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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:14 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:14 -0700 |
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diff --git a/13927-h/13927-h.htm b/13927-h/13927-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7979adc --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/13927-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2987 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 29, 1919.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13927 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 29, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" + id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Peace is only a matter of time, says Mr. HUGHES. The + ex-Kaiser is said to be of the opinion that Mr. HUGHES might + have been more explicit as to who is going to get that + "time."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Meanwhile the ex-Kaiser is growing a beard. He evidently has + no desire to share the fate of "Wilhelmshaven."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>After reading the numerous articles on whether he should be + charged with murder or not, we have come to the conclusion that + the answer now rests solely between "Yes" or "No."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. DE VALERA has been appointed a delegate of the Irish + Republic to the Peace Conference. The fact that he has not + ordered the Peace Conference to come to Brixton prison should + satisfy doubters like <i>The Daily News</i> that Sinn Fein can + be moderate when it wants to.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>People in search of quiet amusement will be glad to know + that there will be an eclipse of the sun on May 29th.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to the overcrowding of Tube trains we understand there + is some talk of men with beards being asked to leave them in + the ticket offices.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that an All-Tube team has applied for + admission to the Rugby Union.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A large number of forged five-pound notes are stated to be + in circulation in London. The proper way to dispose of one is + to slip it between a couple of genuine fivers when paying your + taxi fare.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The ancient office of Town Crier of Driffield, which carries + with it a retaining fee of one pound per annum, is vacant. + Several Army officers anxious to better themselves have applied + for the job.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A large number of "sloping desks," made specially for + Government Departments, are offered for sale by the Board of + Works. The bulk of them, it is understood, slope at 3.30 + P.M.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The mysterious disappearance of sheep from Barnstaple has + led to the report that some Government Department has fixed a + price for sheep.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is not practicable," says the London Electric Railway + Company, "for passengers to enter Tube cars at one door and + leave by the other, because the end cars have only one door." + The idea of reserving these cars for persons getting in or out, + but not both, appears to have been overlooked.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the report that the lodging, fuel and + light allowance of Officers is to be raised from two shillings + and sevenpence to two shillings and sevenpence halfpenny per + day, the cost of living having increased since the Peninsular + War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"What is reported to be the largest sapphira in the world," + says a contemporary, "disappeared when the Bolshevists took + Kieff." We suspect that the largest living Ananias had a hand + in the affair.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is not surprising to learn, following the Police Union + meeting, that the burglars have decided to "down jemmies" + unless the eight-hour night is conceded.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The rumour that there was a vacant house in the Midlands + last week has now been officially denied.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the Market Bosworth woman who, though + perfectly healthy, has remained in bed for three years, until + removed last week by the police, it now appears that she told + the officers that she had no idea it was so late.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"What can be done to make village life more amusing?" asks + <i>The Daily Mirror</i>. We are sorry to find our contemporary + so ignorant of country life. Have they not yet heard of Rural + District Councils?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Oxted butcher having found a wedding ring in one of the + internal organs of a cow, it is supposed that the animal must + have been leading a double life.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"In order to live long," says Dr. EARLE, "live simply." + Another good piece of advice would be: "Simply live."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Streatham man who has been missing from his home since + November, 1913, has just written from Kentucky. This disposes + of the theory that he might have been mislaid in a Tube + rush.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Distrust of lawyers," Mr. Justice ATKIN told the boys of + Friars School recently, "is largely caused by ignorance of the + law." Trust in them, on the other hand, is entirely due to + ignorance of the cost.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Giving evidence at Marylebone against a mysterious foreigner + charged with using a forged identity book, the police said they + did not know the real name and address of the man. The Bench + decided to obviate the difficulty in the matter of the + address.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a Liverpool bankruptcy case last week the debtor stated + that he had lost six hundred pounds in one day rabbit-coursing. + The Receiver pointed out that he could have almost bought a new + set of rabbits for that.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/73.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73.png" + alt="THE PICTURE OF THE YEAR." /></a> + + <h3>THE PICTURE OF THE YEAR.</h3>PROBABLE EFFECT AT THIS + YEAR'S ACADEMY EXHIBITION OF THE ELECTION OF SIR ASTON + WEBB, THE FAMOUS ARCHITECT, TO THE PRESIDENCY. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From a list of wedding presents:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Case of sauce ladies from Mr. W. + ——."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No doubt he was glad to be rid of them.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The —— National Kitchen has had to close + down.... The great majority of the patrons were Army Pap + Corps."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Who presumably required only liquid refreshment.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The German Government has protested to Russia against + the 'criminal interference' of olsheviks in the internal + affairs of Germany."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Much correspondence will now doubtless take place, as it + seems evident that the Bolsheviks have sent their initial + letter in reply.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" + id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> + + <h2>GETTING OUT.</h2> + + <p>"If you belong to any of the following classes," said the + Demobilisation advertisement, "do nothing." So Lieut. William + Smith did nothing.</p> + + <p>After doing nothing for some weeks he met a friend who said, + "Hallo, aren't you out yet?"</p> + + <p>"Not yet," said William, looking at his spurs.</p> + + <p>"Well, you ought to <i>do</i> something."</p> + + <p>So Lieut. William Smith decided to do something. He was a + pivotal-man and a slip-man and a one-man-business and a + twenty-eight-days-in-hospital man and a W.O. letter ZXY/999 + man. Accordingly he wrote to the War Office and told them + so.</p> + + <p>It was, of course, a little confusing for the authorities. + Just as they began to see their way to getting him out as a + pivotal man, somebody would decide that it was quicker to + demobilise him as a one-man-business; and when this was nearly + done, then somebody else would point out that it was really + much neater to reinstate him as a slip-man. Whereupon a + sub-section, just getting to work at W.O. letter ZXY/999, would + beg to be allowed a little practice on William while he was + still available, to the great disgust of the medical + authorities, who had been hoping to study the symptoms of + self-demobilisation in Lieut. Smith as evidenced after + twenty-eight days' in hospital.</p> + + <p>Naturally, then, when another friend met William a month + later and said, "Hallo, aren't you out yet?" William could only + look at his spurs again and say, "Not yet."</p> + + <p>"Better go to the War Office and have a talk with somebody," + said his friend. "Much the quickest."</p> + + <p>So William went to the War Office. First he had a talk with + a policeman, and then he had a talk with a porter, and then he + had a talk with an attendant, and then he had a talk with a + messenger girl, and so finally he came to the end of a long + queue of officers who were waiting to have a talk with + <i>somebody</i>.</p> + + <p>"Not so many here to-day as yesterday," said a friendly + Captain in the Suffolks who was next to him.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" said William. "And we've got an army on the Rhine + too," he murmured to himself, realising for the first time the + extent of England's effort.</p> + + <p>At the end of an hour he calculated that he was within two + or three hundred of the door. He had only lately come out of + hospital and was beginning to feel rather weak.</p> + + <p>"I shall have to give it up," he said.</p> + + <p>The Captain tried to encourage him with tales of gallantry. + There was a Lieutenant in the Manchesters who had worked his + way up on three occasions to within fifty of the door, at which + point he had collapsed each time from exhaustion; whereupon two + kindly policemen had carried him to the end of the queue again + for air.... He was still sticking to it.</p> + + <p>"I suppose there's no chance of being carried to the + <i>front</i> of the queue?" said William hopefully.</p> + + <p>"No," said the Captain firmly; "we should see to that."</p> + + <p>"Then I shall have to go," said William. "See you + to-morrow." And as he left his place the queue behind him + surged forward an inch and took new courage.</p> + + <p>A week later William suddenly remembered Jones. Jones had + been in the War Office a long time. It was said of him that you + could take him to any room in the building and he could find + his way out into Whitehall in less than twenty minutes. But + then he was no mere "temporary civil-servant." He had been the + author of that famous W.O. letter referring to Chevrons for + Cold Shoers which was responsible for the capture of Badajoz; + he had issued the celebrated Army Council Instruction, + "Commanding Officers are requested to replace the pivots," + which had demobilised MARLBOROUGH's army so speedily; and, as + is well known, HENRY V. had often said that without + Jones—well, anyhow, he had been in the War Office a long + time. And William knew him slightly.</p> + + <p>So William sent up his card.</p> + + <p>"I want to talk to somebody," he explained to Jones. "I + can't manage more than of couple of hours a day in the queue + just now, because I'm not very fit. If I could sit down + somewhere and tell somebody all about myself, that's what I + want. Any room in the building where there are no queues + outside and two chairs inside. I'd be very much obliged to + you."</p> + + <p>"I'll give you a note to Briggs," said Jones promptly. "He's + the fellow to get you out."</p> + + <p>"Thanks <i>awfully</i>," said the overjoyed William.</p> + + <p>A messenger girl took him and the note to Captain Briggs. + Briggs listened to the story of William's + qualifications—or rather disqualifications—and + considered for a moment.</p> + + <p>"Yes, we ought to get you out very quickly," he said.</p> + + <p>"Good," said William. "Thanks <i>awfully</i>."</p> + + <p>"Walters will tell you just what to do. He's a pal of mine. + I'll give you a note to him."</p> + + <p>So in another minute the overjoyed William was following a + messenger girl to the room of Lieutenant Walters.</p> + + <p>Walters was very cheerful. The thing to do, he said, was to + go to Sanders. Sanders would get him out in half-an-hour. He'd + give William a note, and then Sanders would do his best. The + overjoyed William followed the messenger girl to Sanders.</p> + + <p>"That's all right," said Sanders a few minutes later. "We + can get you out at once on this. Do you know Briggs?"</p> + + <p>"Briggs," said William, with a sudden sinking feeling.</p> + + <p>"I'll give you a note to him. He knows all about it. He'll + get you out at once."</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said William faintly.</p> + + <p>He put the note in his pocket and strode briskly out in + search of the dear old queue.</p> + + <p>"It will be quicker after all," he told himself, as he took + his place at the end of the queue next to a Lieutenant in the + Manchesters. ("Don't crowd him," said a policeman to William; + "he wants air.")</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>And you think perhaps that the story ends here, with William + in the queue again? Oh, no. William is a man of resource. The + very next day he met another friend, who said, "Hallo, aren't + you out yet?"</p> + + <p>"Not yet," said William.</p> + + <p>"My boy got out a month ago."</p> + + <p>"H-h-h-how?" said William.</p> + + <p>"Ah well, you see, he's going up to Cambridge. Complete his + education and all the rest of it. They let 'em out at once on + that."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said William thoughtfully.</p> + + <p>William is thirty-eight, but he has taken the great + decision. He is going up to Cambridge next term. He thinks it + will be quicker. He no longer stands in the queue for two hours + every day; he spends the time instead studying for his Little + Go.</p> + + <p class="author">A.A.M.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TREES AND FAIRIES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The larch-tree gives them needles</p> + + <p class="i2">To stitch their gossamer things;</p> + + <p>Carefully, cunningly toils the oak</p> + + <p>To shape the cups of the fairy folk;</p> + + <p class="i2">The sycamore gives them wings.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The lordly fir-tree rocks them</p> + + <p class="i2">High on his swinging sails;</p> + + <p>The hawthorn fashions their tiny spears,</p> + + <p>The whispering alder charms their ears</p> + + <p class="i2">With soft mysterious tales.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The chestnut decks their ball-room</p> + + <p class="i2">With candles red and white,</p> + + <p>While all the trees stand round about</p> + + <p>With kind protecting arms held out</p> + + <p class="i2">To guard them through the night.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">R.F.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" + id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/75.png" + alt="THE LOST ALLY." /></a> + + <h3>THE LOST ALLY.</h3>PEACE. "I HOPED HE WOULD MAKE MY + PATH EASIER FOR ME—NOT MORE DIFFICULT." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" + id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> + + <h2>THE MINISTERIAL TREADMILL.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Being a free résumé of Lord CURZON's speech at the + Eccentric Club on Wednesday the 22nd.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lord CURZON rises with the lark—</p> + + <p>That is (at present) when it's dark—</p> + + <p>Breakfasts in haste on tea and toast,</p> + + <p>Then grapples with the early post,</p> + + <p>And reads the newspapers, which shed</p> + + <p>Denunciation on his head.</p> + + <p>Having digested their vagaries</p> + + <p>He calls his faithful secretaries</p> + + <p>And keeps them writing, sheet on sheet,</p> + + <p>Until he's due in Downing Street.</p> + + <p>The Cabinet is seldom through</p> + + <p>Until the clock is striking two,</p> + + <p>When Ministers, dispersing, munch</p> + + <p>Their frugal sandwiches for lunch.</p> + + <p>Then back into affairs of State</p> + + <p>Again they plunge from three till eight,</p> + + <p>Presiding, guiding, interviewing,</p> + + <p>Tea conscientiously eschewing,</p> + + <p>Until exhausted nature cries</p> + + <p>At half-past eight for more supplies.</p> + + <p>Another hasty meal is snatched</p> + + <p>And, when the viands are despatched,</p> + + <p>Once more our admirable Crichton,</p> + + <p>Though feeling like a weary Titan,</p> + + <p>Resumes the toil of brain and pen</p> + + <p>Till two is sounded by Big Ben.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The life of those whom duty spurs on</p> + + <p>To lead laborious days, like CURZON,</p> + + <p>Is not the life of BILLY MERSON</p> + + <p>Or any gay inferior person.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3><i>RUS IN URBE.</i></h3> + + <p>The Selborne Society, which used to be a purely rural + expeditionary force, has lately taken to exploring London, and + personally-conducted tours have been arranged to University + College in darkest Gower Street, where Sir PHILIP MAGNUS and + Sir GREGORY FOSTER will act as guides, and to the Royal Courts + of Justice, where Sir EDWARD MARSHALL HALL, K.C., "will + describe the methods of conducting civil actions." What GILBERT + WHITE would say to all this brick-and-mortar sophistication we + do not dare to guess. All that we venture to do is to suggest + one or two more urbane adventures.</p> + + <p>Why, for example, should not a visit be paid to the House of + Lords, under the direction of the new LORD CHANCELLOR? Five + minutes spent on the Woolsack in such company not only would be + a treasured memory, but a liberal (or, at any rate, a + coalition) education. After such an experience all the + Selbornians should come away better fitted to climb the ascents + which life offers.</p> + + <p>Again, if Sir HORACE MARSHALL, the Lord Mayor, invited the + Society to the Mansion House they might be enormously + benefited. Of turtle doves they naturally know all; GILBERT + WHITE would have seen to that; but what do they know of turtle + soup? Well, the LORD MAYOR would instruct them. He would show + them the pools under the Mansion House where these creatures + luxuriate while awaiting their doom; he would indicate the + areas beneath the shell from some of which is extracted the + calipash and from some the calipee; he might even induce the + Most Worshipful Keeper of the Turtles, O.B.E., to discourse on + the subject.</p> + + <p>Then there is New Scotland Yard. It would be a scandal for + the members of the Selborne Society not to visit that home of + amity and see all the New Scots at work in tracking down the + breakers of the laws that are made in the picturesque building + with the clock tower so close by. And not very distant is the + War Office, where mobilisation-while-you-wait may be studied at + first hand, we don't think. Indeed, London offers such + opportunities that we shall be surprised if the Selborne + Society ever looks at a mole or a starling again.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ROAD TO THE RHINE.</h2> + + <h3>BUSINESS LEAVE.</h3> + + <p>Of course we <i>know</i> demobilisation is proceeding apace. + We <i>know</i> that pivotal men are simply pirouetting to + England in countless droves. We know it because we see it in + the papers (when they come), and it is a great source of + comfort to us. But since it is six days' train journey and four + days' lorry-hopping from where we sit guarding the wrong side + of the river to the necessary seaport, perhaps they have + forgotten us, or they are keeping all the pivots in this area + for one final orgy of demobilisation at some future date, which + for the moment I am not at liberty to disclose.</p> + + <p>At present my poor friend Cook is sitting in the Company + Mess with his thoughts all of the inside of Army prisons, + instead of the glowing pictures he used to have of himself + exchanging his battle-bowler for the headgear of civilisation. + He says I'm responsible for his state of mind, because I first + put the idea into his head. Well, I did; but I don't see how + you can blame the fellow who filled the shell if some silly ass + hits it on the nose-cap with a hammer.</p> + + <p>It started like this. After the Demobilisation General Post + had sounded Cook spent his time writing to everybody who did + not know him well enough to down his chances, filled up all the + forms in triplicate and packed his valise ready to start off + any time of the day or night for England, home and wholesale + hardware, which is his particular pivot. I may say here that + nominally this business is run by him and his brother, and the + fact that they are now both in the Army is probably the chief + reason why the manager in charge is able to make the business + pay. However, you know what people are; if they draw receipts + from a business nothing will persuade them but that they must + be there, "on the spot you know," to "look after it." So, + seeing his face grow longer and longer as the days went by + without the Quarter-Master coming round and handing him his + ration trilby hat, civvy suit and the swagger cane he hopes + for, I said, "Why don't you put in for two months' business + leave?"</p> + + <p>The air was at once rent with a fearful rush of leaves of + his A.B. 153, and he ceased to take any interest in his platoon + from that moment. In vain I urged upon him the consummate folly + of neglecting to inquire more closely into the case of a + reprobate in No. 11 Platoon who had so far forgotten all sense + of discipline as to set out his kit with haversack on the left + instead of the right (or <i>vice-versâ</i>, I forget which, but + the Sergeant-Major spotted it.). He even went the length of + saying he didn't care a cuss; and when I asked him + sarcastically if he had forgotten the Platoon Commander's + pamphlet-bible, "Am I offensive enough?" he said he thought he + was, and I agreed with him.</p> + + <p>When the whole mess-room was simply a-flutter with torn-out + leaves from his A.B. 153, representing his abortive attempts to + put down his application succinctly and plausibly, we all began + to take an interest in his case. We crowded round and offered + him most valuable hints. Together we got through two very + pleasant evenings and three or four A.B.'s 153, and still the + application remained in a tentative state. We got on all right + to start with, but it was after the "I have the honour to + submit for the approval and recommendation of the Commanding + Officer this my application for two months' business leave" + that we got stuck.</p> + + <p>Of course <i>I</i> know it was no use, anyway. I have seen + these things go forward before. They have no chance.</p> + + <p>It was then that a stroke of genius (unfortunate, as it + turned out, but a stroke of genius nevertheless) occurred to + me. "Why not say that your manager is a complete fool and in + his hands the business is going to rack and ruin?" I said. He + bit at it like a tiger, and only the law of libel prevented him + putting it into execution there and then; + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" + id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> but all the same we had a + jolly fine argument (six of us) about it for some three + hours, and nobody got put out of the room for introducing + acrimony into the discussion.</p> + + <p>Finally, he said that he was sure his brother wouldn't mind + his saying it about <i>him</i>, and the application went in as + follows:—</p> + + <p><i>To Adjutant, First Crackshire Regt.</i></p> + + <p>Sir,—I have the honour to submit for the approval and + recommendation of the Commanding Officer this my application + for two months' business leave in the following special + circumstances:—</p> + + <p>The necessity of my presence in the business (wholesale + hardware) has become more and more urgent of late. It is + imperative that I should get home at once owing to the total + incapability of my partner to carry out simple directions which + are dictated by letters, and it is no exaggeration to say that + the business, which has been built up almost entirely by my + efforts, must inevitably collapse unless it receives my + personal attention at once.</p> + + <p>My address would be, etc., etc., London.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am, Sir,</p> + + <p>Your obedient Servant, etc., etc.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The Adjutant looked serious when he read it. So did Cook, + for he thought the Adjutant had noted the London address and + had remembered the business was in Bristol. But it was all + right. It wasn't that at all really. Pencil and squared paper + are poor means of conveying information at any time, and when + the Adjutant had been assured that the business was really + "wholesale hardware," and not "wholesale hardbake," as he had + first read it, everything went swimmingly. The C.O. signed it + and off it went on its momentous journey. Cook began to take a + renewed interest in his platoon, and, having discovered the + recalcitrant one of No. 11 actually coming on parade with only + the front of the tip of his bayonet-scabbard polished, he took + a fiendish delight in seeing the criminal writhing under the + brutal and savage sentence of three days' C.B.</p> + + <p>A week later he got a great surprise. His brother-partner + turned up with a draft of men and found himself posted to the + battalion. The brothers met, as only brothers can, with the + words, "What the deuce are you doing here?" Highly elated, Cook + told him about the application for business leave and gloated + over his chances of being home first, and on full pay too. His + brother was intensely amused, and they both laughed heartily, + when he told us that he himself, while waiting at the + reception-camp with the draft, had put in much the same kind of + application, saying the same kind of things about Cook.</p> + + <p>But when they realised that both applications would be + forwarded to the same Divisional Headquarters for consideration + the joke lost some of its savour. And when the Adjutant called + them up and handed the two returned applications <i>pinned + together</i> both brothers needed all their qualities of + toughness and rigidity which, as I understand, are acquired in + the wholesale hardware business.</p> + + <p class="author">L.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/77.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/77.png" + alt="Shortsighted Traveller and Naval Officer." /></a> + + <p><i>Shortsighted Traveller</i>. "IS THERE SOME DELAY ON + THE LINE, MY GOOD MAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Naval Officer</i>. "WHO THE —— DO YOU + THINK I AM, SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Traveller</i>. "ER—N-NOT THE VICAR, + ANYWAY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Homes Furnished Complete."</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Oak bedstead, 3 ft. 6 in., with wife and Wool Mattress, + new condition, £5 10<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i> + lot."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>,</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>"One Parsel Furnishing goods curtains, cushion covers, + etc., Rs. 26; one bundle babies, Rs. 5.—Apply Mrs. + ——."—<i>Ceylon Independent</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Temporary Cook wants Hampshire."—<i>Morning + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Really quite moderate. Some cooks nowadays seem to want the + whole earth.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" + id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/78.png" + alt="POST-WAR PROBLEMS." /></a> + + <h3>POST-WAR PROBLEMS.</h3> + + <p><i>Adjutant</i> (<i>who has been interrupted in his real + work by a summons from Colonel</i>). "YES, SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Temporary Colonel</i>. "I + SAY—ER—SMITH—IT'S SO UNCERTAIN HOW LONG + WE SHALL BE OUT HERE—DEMOBILISATION, YOU KNOW. + ER—FACT IS—<i>DO</i> YOU THINK IT WORTH MY + WHILE GETTING ANOTHER PAIR OF BREECHES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE VISITOR.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When yesterday I went to see my friends—</p> + + <p class="i2">(Watching their patient faces in a + row,</p> + + <p class="i2">I want to give each boy a + D.S.O.)—</p> + + <p>When yesterday I went to see my friends,</p> + + <p>With cigarettes and foolish odds and ends</p> + + <p class="i2">(Knowing they understand how well I + know</p> + + <p>That nothing I may do can make amends,</p> + + <p class="i2">But that I must not grieve or tell them + so),</p> + + <p>A pale-faced Inniskilling, tall and slim,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd fought two years and now was just + eighteen,</p> + + <p>Smiled up and showed, with eyes a little dim,</p> + + <p class="i2">How someone left him, where his leg had + been,</p> + + <p>On the humped bandage that replaced the limb,</p> + + <p class="i2">A tiny green glass pig to comfort + him.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These are the men who've learned to laugh at + pain,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if their lips have quivered when they + spoke</p> + + <p class="i2">They've said brave things or tried to + make a joke;</p> + + <p>Said it's not worse than trenches in the rain,</p> + + <p>Or pools of water on a chalky plain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or bitter cold from which you stiffly + woke,</p> + + <p>Or deep wet mud that left you hardly sane,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or the tense wait for "Fritz's master + stroke."</p> + + <p>You seldom hear them talk of their "bad luck,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And suffering has not spoiled their ready + wit,</p> + + <p>And oh! you'd hardly doubt their fighting pluck,</p> + + <p class="i2">When each new operation shows their + grit;</p> + + <p>Who never brag of blows for England struck,</p> + + <p class="i2">But only yearn to "get about a bit."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Allies had threatened to destroy the Dardanelles if + the Medina garrison did not surrender."—<i>Birmingham + Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>So, being reduced to its last Straits, the garrison + surrendered.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"MATRIMONY—Young Lady (21), good prospects, wishes + to correspond with young man, similar age, with a view to + above; no rebels need apply."—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But we guess there will be one Home Ruler in the family.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Replying to a query concerning the rumour that Messrs. + Guinness were in treaty for the purchase of the National + hell Factory, Parkgate Street, a representative of that + firm said this afternoon: 'We have no statement to make at + all.'"—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We gather that the printer is a Prohibitionist.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Doncaster on Saturday, Messrs. —— sold + for £7,100 the fully licensed house at Armthorpe known as + the Plough Inn to the Markham Main Colliery Company, the + proprietors of the colliery being sunk in the + parish."—<i>Yorkshire Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not <i>spurlos versenkt</i>, we trust. Perhaps it is hoped + that the Plough will unearth them.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" + id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span> + + <h2>TEACHING TOMMY.</h2> + + <p>Here is a simple method of aiding the admirable efforts of + educational Staff-Officers in the army.</p> + + <p>Let all Regimental Orders be interspersed with items of + information likely to be of use in civilian life. + Thus:—</p> + + <p>53. ... will be rendered to this office, in triplicate, by + noon to-morrow.</p> + + <p>53A. <i>Etiquette, Points of</i>. It is not considered + correct to address an Archbishop as "Archie" unless one is on + terms of considerable intimacy with him. In writing to a + Duchess never commit the vulgar error of putting a stamp on the + envelope; the sixth footman in a ducal household is always + provided with a fund in respect of unpaid postage on incoming + correspondence.</p> + + <p>54. ... is placed out of bounds to all troops on account of + an outbreak of mumps.</p> + + <p>54A. <i>Data, Geographical</i>.—Of all fish those of + the Bay of Biscay are perhaps the best nourished. An isthmus is + a piece of land which saves another piece of land from being an + island. The principal exports of Germany are prisoners of + war.</p> + + <p>55. ... to be read on three consecutive parades.</p> + + <p>55A. <i>Theory</i>, <i>Untenable</i>, + <i>Literary</i>.—The The theory that BACON was a + pork-butcher and derived inspiration for <i>Hamlet</i> by + gazing at the viands in his shop has now been disproved.</p> + + <p>56. ... and a sum of twopence per haircut will be chargeable + against public funds.</p> + + <p>56A. <i>Courts, Foreign</i>.—The Sultan of Socotra is + entitled to a salute of fourteen popguns and one catapult. + Before approaching the throne of the Duke of the Djibouti one + is required to take lessons from the Court Contortionist.</p> + + <p>57. ... and Company Commanders are reminded of their + responsibility in this matter.</p> + + <p>57A. <i>World, the Animal</i>.—It is interesting to + know that the inventor of the Tank first planned that engine of + warfare while watching the peregrinations of the armadillo at a + travelling menagerie. The efficacy of our blockade was such + that large consignments of armadillo-fodder were prevented from + reaching Germany, the consequent demise of all German-kept + armadilloes thus robbing our enemy of the opportunity of + devising a similar instrument.</p> + + <p>58. ... will parade in full marching order at Reveille.</p> + + <p>58A. <i>Facts, Historical</i>.—There once was a king + who never smiled again, but history might have recorded a + different verdict had His Majesty witnessed the spectacle of + the Second-in-Command, on a frisky horse, trying to drill the + Battalion.</p> + + <p>59. ... will therefore immediately submit rolls of all + skilled organ-blowers of Category B ii.</p> + + <p>59A. <i>Information, General</i>.—If all the Treasury + Notes circulated in the United Kingdom since 1914 were placed + end to end they might reach from Bristol to Yokohama and back, + but they would not constitute a sufficient inducement to a + London taxi-driver.</p> + + <p>60. ... and this practice must cease forthwith.</p> + + <p>60A. <i>Query, Our Daily</i>.—What is Popocatapetl? Is + it an indoor game, a cannibal tribe, a curative herb, or + neither? Solutions are invited.</p> + + <p>There are two very advantageous points about this scheme: + (1) The ingenious system of numbering would avoid interference + with army routine, which must go on: and (2) men might be + encouraged to read Regimental Orders.</p> + + <p>This suggestion is made without hope of fee or reward. Its + author does not even ask for extra duty pay.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/79.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/79.png" + alt="HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE." /></a> + + <h3>HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE.</h3> + + <p><i>Tramp</i>. "CAN YOU SPARE A PORE OLD GENTLEMAN THE + PRICE OF A CUP OF KORFEE. SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>in high spirits</i>). "RIGHT-O. ALL THE + COFFEE YOU WANT AND THE PRICE OF A SHAVE AND A HAIR-CUT AS + WELL."</p> + + <p><i>Tramp</i>. "WILL YER? THEN WHO'S A-GOIN' TO KEEP ME + WHILE MY 'AIR AN' BEARD GROWS AGAIN?".</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" + id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span> + + <h2>A FINE EAR FOR THE HASPIRATE.</h2> + + <p>"I wish 'as 'ow I warn't married."</p> + + <p>Mr. Punt crooned out the impious aspiration as he sorted a + judicious modicum of hemp into the canary seed. He spoke in + semi-soliloquy, yet quite loud enough to reach the vigilant ear + of Mrs. Punt, who was dusting the cages at the other end of the + live-stock store. She said nothing in reply, but her eye fixed + itself upon him with a glint eloquent of what she might say + later.</p> + + <p>"Why is that, Mr. Punt?" I asked encouragingly.</p> + + <p>"Why, it's on'y to-day, Sir, as I met a lidy, a widder lidy, + friend o' Uncle George's down Putney way, as 'as one leg, a + nice little bit o' 'ouse property and two great hauk's + eggs."</p> + + <p>It did seem a rare combination of marriageable qualities. I + asked the value of a great auk's egg, and was surprised to + learn that a specimen had recently been sold at auction for + something like three hundred pounds. I inquired whether all the + great auks' eggs that came on the market were genuine, or + whether "faked" specimens were to be met with. I had heard, I + thought, of "faked" eagles' eggs.</p> + + <p>"Different kind o' bird altogether, Sir, and different kind + o' egg. Can't very well be imitated. You didn't think as I said + great 'awk, Sir?" he asked very anxiously.</p> + + <p>"No, no; I understand," I hastened to assure him.</p> + + <p>"The 'awk, Sir, is a bird o' the heagle kind; the hauk's a + different kind altogether—web-footed, aquatic—was, + I should rather say, seeing as 'ow 'e's un appily extinct. Hauk + and 'awk, Sir—you take the difference?"</p> + + <p>I said that I thought the distinction was perceptible to a + fine ear for the aspirate.</p> + + <p>The phrase took the little man's fancy wonderfully. "That's + it, Sir," he exclaimed, beaming up delightedly at me. "You've + 'it it! Done it in one, you 'ave. 'Fine ear for the + haspirate'—that's what my darter Maria 'ave and what I, + for one, 'ave not. I'm not above confessing of it; 'tain't + given to all of us to 'ave everything, as the ant said to the + helephant when 'e was boasting about 'is trunk. Some there is + as ain't got no ear for music—same as Joe Mangles, the + grocer down the street, as 'as caught a heavy cold in 'is 'ead + with taking 'is 'at off every time as 'e 'ears 'It's a long + long way to Tipperary.' Why, I've knowed men," said Mr. Punt, + in the manner of one who works himself up to an almost + incredible climax—"I've knowed men as couldn't tell the + difference between a linnet's note and a goldfinch."</p> + + <p>"Astonishing," I said.</p> + + <p>One of the canaries suddenly broke into a rich trill of + song, as if to add his personal expression of surprise.</p> + + <p>"Now there!" Mr. Punt exclaimed, shaking a podgy forefinger + at him. "There's the bird as give all the trouble and cause + words 'tween me and Maria, 'e did. 'Artz Mountain roller, that + bird is. Beeutiful 'is note, ain't it, Sir?"</p> + + <p>There really was a deep full tone, distantly suggestive of a + nightingale's, that favourably distinguished the bird's song + from the canary's usual acute treble.</p> + + <p>"'I'm doubting, Maria,' I say to 'er," Mr. Punt resumed. "No + longer ago than this very morning I say it—'I'm doubting + whether I did ought to call that 'ere bird a 'Artz Mountain + roller,' I say to 'er—me meaning, o' course, as the 'Artz + Mountains being, as some thinks, in Germany, that pussons + wouldn't so much as go to look at a canary as called 'isself a + 'Artz Mountain bird, as it might be a German bird, for all as + 'e'd never a-bin no nearer Germany than the Royal Road, + Chelsea, not never since 'e chip 'is little shell, 'e + 'aven't.</p> + + <p>"So I ask 'er the question, doubting like, and she up and + say, all saucy as a jay-bird, 'Why, certainly you didn't ought + to call 'im so,' she say.</p> + + <p>"'Question is, Maria,' I says, 'in that case what did I + ought to call 'im?'</p> + + <p>"'And I can tell yer that too, Dad,' she say—Maria + did. 'You didn't ought to call 'im 'Artz Mountain roller, but + ha-Hartz Mountain roller. That's the way to call 'im,' she + says—impident little 'ussy! But there—what's in a + name, as the white blackbird said when 'e sat on a wooden + milestone eating a red blackberry? Still, 'e weren't running a + live-stock emporium, I expect, when 'e ask such a question as + that 'ere. There's a good deal in 'ow you call a bird, or a + dawg or a guinea-pig neither, if you want to pass 'im on to a + customer in a honest way o' trade."</p> + + <p>I assured Mr. Punt I had not a doubt of it.</p> + + <p>"But I shall be a-practisin' my haitches, Sir," he promised + me, as I went out with the canary seed which I had called to + purchase—"practise 'em 'ard, I shall. It's what I ain't + a-got at the present moment—'a fine ear for the + haspirate.' Beeutiful expression that, Sir, if you'll excuse me + sayin' so. But I don't see no reason as a man mightn't 'ope to + acquire it, 'im practising constant and careful—same as a + pusson can learn a bullfinch to pipe ''Ome, sweet 'Ome.' That + haitch is a funny letter, but it's a letter as I shall + practise. Still, haitches or no haitches," he concluded, with a + profound sigh, "I wish as I knowed 'ow I could set about coming + it over that 'ere one-legged widder lidy at Putney what 'ave + the two great hauk's eggs."</p> + + <p>Out of the dusty twilight in the far end of the shop Mrs. + Punt's eye gleamed balefully.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BLIGHTY IMPRESSIONS.</h2> + + <h3>THE BARBER.</h3> + + <p>I went into a tobacco-shop, tendered a pound note and asked + for a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. With much + regret and a smiling face, she informed me she had the goods + but no change.</p> + + <p>What a dilemma! A shop with cigarettes and matches, but I + couldn't spare a pound note for them.</p> + + <p>An inspiration!—I would go into the hairdressing + establishment behind the shop, have a shave—which I + really didn't need—obtain change and make my purchase. + Besides, with so many barbers closed owing to the strike, it + was an opportunity.</p> + + <p>This is what happened.</p> + + <p>"Good morning, Sir. Your turn next but six."</p> + + <p>A long, long interval.</p> + + <p>"Shave, Sir? Lovely weather we're having. Razor all right, + Sir?"</p> + + <p>I said as little as possible; it is the only safe thing.</p> + + <p>"Face massage, Sir?"</p> + + <p>"No, thanks," I mumbled.</p> + + <p>"Wonderful thing for the face, Sir; make a new man of you. + Invigorates the circulation, improves the + complexion—"</p> + + <p>"Oh, all right," I gasped.</p> + + <p>And then for about twenty minutes snatches of conversation + floated to me through bundles of wet towels. My head was having + a Turkish bath. My face was covered with ointments and creams. + Currents of electricity played about my brow.</p> + + <p>"Just trim your hair, Sir?"</p> + + <p>I swear I said "No," but before I knew what was happening + the scissors were running merrily over my head.</p> + + <p>"Singeing, Sir?"</p> + + <p>"Er—no. I—"</p> + + <p>"Finest thing in the world, Sir. It's a treat to see hair + like this. Just a bit 'endy,' but singeing will soon put that + right."</p> + + <p>Even had I been blind I should have discovered that I was + undergoing the process.</p> + + <p>"What would you like for the shampoo, Sir? Eau de + Quinine—Violet—"</p> + + <p>"I don't think—"</p> + + <p>My feeble protest was cut + short.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" + id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> + + <p>"I always recommend Violet," he said, sprinkling my head + profusely.</p> + + <p>More rubbing, more towels, more electricity and finally a + brush and comb.</p> + + <p>"I've a hair-lotion here, Sir—"</p> + + <p>"No, thank you."</p> + + <p>I meant it.</p> + + <p>He helped me on with my coat, brushed off a deal of + imaginary dust, said something about skin softeners and bath + requisites, but I'd had enough for one morning, and I was + yearning to get those cigarettes and have a smoke.</p> + + <p>I tendered my pound note.</p> + + <p>He took it, and with his best smile said—</p> + + <p>"Another sixpence, Sir, please."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/81.png" + alt="'MOTHER, I <i>HAVE</i> BEEN GOOD TO-DAY—SO PATIENT WITH NURSE.'" /> + </a>"MOTHER, I <i>HAVE</i> BEEN GOOD TO-DAY—SO + PATIENT WITH NURSE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BLIMP!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are many things Dora kept dark</p> + + <p class="i2">That she's now letting into the + light,</p> + + <p>And to-day an astounding aerial barque</p> + + <p class="i2">Has suddenly sailed into sight;</p> + + <p>But its past makes no sympathies burn,</p> + + <p class="i2">And its future leaves interest limp,</p> + + <p>Compared with the rapture I feel when I learn</p> + + <p class="i4">That its name is the Blimp.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who gave it its title, and why?</p> + + <p class="i2">Was it old EDWARD LEAR from the + grave?</p> + + <p>Since Jumblies in Blimps would be certain to fly</p> + + <p class="i2">When for air they abandon the wave.</p> + + <p>Was it dear LEWIS CARROLL, perhaps</p> + + <p class="i2">Sent his phantom to christen the + barque,</p> + + <p>Since a Blimp is the obvious vessel for chaps</p> + + <p class="i4">When hunting a snark?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And to-day, in the first-fruits of joy,</p> + + <p class="i2">I scarcely believe it is true</p> + + <p>That Blimp is a word we shall one day employ</p> + + <p class="i2">As lightly as now Bakerloo;</p> + + <p>And my reason refuses to jump</p> + + <p class="i2">To the fact that a man, not an imp,</p> + + <p>Can flash through the other and land with a bump</p> + + <p class="i4">From a trip in a Blimp.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It needs no very profound knowledge of the politics of + South-Western Europe to surmise that neither Rumania nor + Greece would lend military assistance of this kind without + being promised something in return.—<i>Manchester + Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But a rather more profound knowledge of the geography might + be useful.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE OLD INVINCIBLE.</h3> + + <p>It is late in the day to draw attention to Mr. Punch as a + prophet. Everyone knows that his eyes have always discerned the + farthest horizon. None the less it is pleasant now and again to + succumb to the temptation of saying "I told you so," and + especially when it is the finger of a friendly reader that + points the way to the Sage's triumph. Were we in the habit of + quoting from past numbers, as many of our contemporaries do, we + should print the following paragraph from the issue of + September 2nd, 1871:—</p> + + <h4>"A REAL DANGER.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'According to <i>Le Havre</i>, about forty Prussian + officers in mufti leave Dieppe every morning for England, + their object being to visit the military establishments of + Great Britain.'</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Here at last is an actual invasion! Prussian officers + landing on our defenceless shores, on the transparently flimsy + pretext of making themselves acquainted with our military + establishments, at the rate (excluding Sundays) of 240 a week, + or in this present September, of 1,080 a month, or, amazing and + terrifying total, of 12,520 a year! We commend this startling + announcement to the attention of the Cabinet (Parliament, + unfortunately, is not sitting), the Commander-in-Chief, the War + Office, the Commanders of all Volunteer Corps, the Author of + 'The Battle of Dorking,' <i>Sergeant Blower</i>, and <i>Cheeks + the Marine</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" + id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/82.png" + alt="Tommy, homeward bound." /></a><i>Tommy</i> + (<i>homeward bound, and determined not to + disappoint</i>). "WHY, MISSY, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE + ARMISTICE THE AIR WAS THAT THICK WITH AEROPLANES THE + BIRDS HAD TO GET DOWN AND WALK." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SAUSAGE ROLL.</h2> + + <h3>THE VERY LATEST DANCE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[To any English composer who has not yet contributed to + the wave of music and dance which is now sweeping the + country the writer offers the following as the basis of an + entirely new and original dance, strictly national in + character and full of that quaint old rustic, not to say + aboriginal, grace which distinguishes modern + dance-music.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh say, won't you stay down-away at the Sausage + Farm?</p> + + <p>It's a scream, it wouldn't seem you could dream such + perfect ch-e-arm;</p> + + <p class="i2">You can bet that Jazz'll be beat to a + frazzle,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the old Fox Trot'll be a pale green + mottle,</p> + + <p>When they gauge what's the rage of the age at the + Sausage Farm.</p> + + <p class="i8">(CRASH! BANG! TINKLE!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Come along, you'll be wrong if you miss that + Sausage Roll.</i></p> + + <p><i>Every pig does the jig, for he's in this heart + and so-ul:</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>See the old sow shout, "What about my + litter?"</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>But she dries those tears when she + hears, poor crittur,</i></p> + + <p><i>That they're all at the Ball in the + Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll.</i></p> + + <p class="i8">(TZING! BOOM! The lights go out.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, haste, life's a waste till you're based at the + Sausage Farm,</p> + + <p>Where the dog and the hog and the frog go + arm-in-arm;</p> + + <p class="i2">And the farm-yard bosses can all do + Sosses;</p> + + <p class="i2">The old man's crazy, and his poor Aunt + Maisie,</p> + + <p>Over this hit of bliss (have a kiss) at Sausage + Farm.</p> + + <p class="i8">(CLATTER! BUMP! The walls begin to + crack.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Come a-quick, you'll be sick if you miss that + Sausage Roll,</i></p> + + <p><i>For the cow does it now and the cat we can't + contro-ol,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>And I heard as she purred, "Oh, I've + found my kittens,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You could bet they'd get with the + best-born Britons,</i></p> + + <p><i>For they're all at the Ball in the + Soss-Soss-Sausage Roll."</i></p> + + <p class="i8">(CRASH! BANG! The roof falls in.)</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Tall Order.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"SHANGHAI MUNICIPAL COUNCIL POLICE FORCE.—Police + recruits are now required. Applicants must be unmarried, of + good physique, with sound teeth, about 20 to 25 years of + age, not less than 57 ft. 10 in. in + height."—<i>Weekly Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lloyd's agent at Chriseiansund telegraphs that wreckage + marked 'Wilson Line' drifted ashore near + Switzerland."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Following the WILSON line the seas appear to be already + behaving with unusual freedom.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'George Eliot' (Mary Ann Evans), the gifted + Warwickshire authoress, who wrote 'Adam Bede' and several + other popular works."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We have noticed the name from time to time, and we are glad + to know who "GEORGE ELIOT" was.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From a "multiple shop" catalogue:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"SMOKING ROOM.—The decorations are well worth a + special note, and are quite unique of their kind, being + without a match anywhere."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Surely not "unique." We know a lot of smoking-rooms equally + matchless.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" + id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/83.png" + alt="THE FIRST GERMAN VICTORY." /></a> + + <h3>THE FIRST GERMAN VICTORY.</h3>[The German Elections + have resulted in a signal defeat for the Extremists.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" + id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/85.png" + alt="Hostess and small guest." /></a> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>to small guest, who is casting + lingering glances at the cakes</i>). "I DON'T THINK YOU CAN + EAT ANY MORE OF THOSE CAKES, CAN YOU, JOHN?"</p> + + <p><i>John</i>. "NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN. BUT MAY I STROKE + THEM?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A NEW SCHOOL.</h2> + + <p>An evening newspaper informs its readers that arrangements + are being made for "a school for M.P.'s"—"a weekly + meeting of Unionist M.P.'s new to Parliamentary life, who will + receive instruction in the forms of the House. They will be + taught how to address the SPEAKER, how to frame a question," + and so forth.</p> + + <p>This intelligence is of particular interest in that it + conveys an admission that our new M.P.'s do not know + everything.</p> + + <p>Interviewed by a correspondent, Mr. Raleigh Quawe, the able + young educationist, who, it is understood, is watching the + experiment with some concern, said, "While I do not wish to + seem to be giving away too much to the gloom of youth, I cannot + help feeling that the school may be run on wrong lines unless + the greatest care is exercised. Will the opportunity be taken + for testing methods which have been so disastrously absent + hitherto from our public school system? I would urge those in + authority to put away the old formulæ, and to ensure the + introduction of a right spirit in the school by the appointment + of young masters endowed with vision and enthusiasm.</p> + + <p>"I hope that the worship of sport will not be encouraged. I + was never one who believed that our battles have been won on + the playing-fields of Westminster. I am confident that I am not + alone in the hope that the old games at Westminster will be + abandoned.</p> + + <p>"It is most important that there should be no suppression of + the emotional nature. Rob politics of emotion and the + newspapers are not worth reading; and it must not be forgotten + that what Westminster does to-day is read of by the British + Empire to-morrow. No effort should be spared to awaken the + artistic sense of the pupils. If the pictures and sculptures in + and about the corridors of the Houses of Parliament are not + enough, let others be prepared. No expense should be spared. + For my part I see no reason why a little music should not be + introduced occasionally.</p> + + <p>"Freedom of opinion should also be encouraged. One fault of + our educational system has been its tendency to produce + mass-thinking. This will never do among our Unionist Members of + Parliament. Yes, I would even advocate that some of the seniors + should be allowed to read <i>The Herald</i> if they wished to + do so, and I question whether <i>The Nation</i> would do any of + them any harm."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <p>Notice in a watchmaker's window:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"No repairs except to watches recently purchased."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Advertisement in Provincial Paper:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WALK IN,</p> + + <p>But you will be happier when you go out."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"An extraordinary plague of rats prevails on the + Sheffield Corporation rubbish tips at Killamarsh. The + rodents have constructed beaten tracks eight inches wide, + extending to corn stacks on a local farm, where they have + wrought munch havoc."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Quite the right epithet, we feel sure.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"We make a speciality of gorillas and chimpanzees. They + are wonderfully intelligent and can be trained right up to + the human standard in all except speech. One of our + directors, Mr. ——, and his wife are both able + to only be tamed to live in captivity."—<i>Irish + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A perusal of the above paragraph is said to have stimulated + Mr. ——'s gift of speech in a startling degree.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" + id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/86.png" + alt="IF THE POETS STRUCK WOULD THE MILITARY BE CALLED IN TO DO THEIR WORK?" /> + </a>IF THE POETS STRUCK WOULD THE MILITARY BE CALLED IN TO + DO THEIR WORK? + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FATHER THAMES TALKS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One day last week, it might be Wed-</p> + + <p class="i2">nesday, or even Friday,</p> + + <p>A day not yet entirely dead,</p> + + <p class="i2">A shortly-doomed-to-die day,</p> + + <p>The Naiad who lay stretched in dream</p> + + <p class="i2">Awoke and gave a shiver—</p> + + <p>The Naiad who has charge of stream</p> + + <p class="i2">And rivulet and river.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>I had intended to write the whole of this article in verse, + of which the above is a shocking sample, but, on the whole, I + think I will go on in prose. When you have committed yourself + to double rhymes, prose is the easier medium. In verse it is + more difficult to stick to your subject, and as the subject in + this case is a very important one and deserves to be stuck to, + I shall do the rest in prose.</p> + + <p>Anyhow, the fact is that I have read a paragraph in one of + the papers about a proposed revival of rowing. Rowing, like + other sports, has, it seems, lain dormant for the past four + years and a half. From the moment in 1914 when war was declared + it suffered a land-change; shorts and zephyr and blazer and + sweater were abandoned at once, and, for the oarsman as for + everybody else, khaki became the only wear. Already trained by + long discipline to obey, our oarsmen trooped to the colours, + and wherever hard fighting was to be done their shining names + are to be found on the muster-roll of fame. Some will return to + us, but for others there waited the <i>eternum exitium + cymbæ</i>—a very different craft from those to which they + were accustomed, but they accepted it with pride and without a + murmur.</p> + + <p>Bearing these things in mind, I went to Henley last week to + interview Father Thames. I found the veteran totally unchanged + in his quarters on the Temple Island, and immediately began the + interview.</p> + + <p>"Dull?" he said. "I believe you, my boy. But they tell me + there's talk of reviving the regatta. You tell them with my + compliments not to be in too great a hurry about it. Think of + what Henley meant to the lads who rowed. They hadn't learnt + their skill in a day—no, nor in as many days as go to a + year."</p> + + <p>"Do you then," I said, "consider the regatta only from the + oarsman's point of view?"</p> + + <p>"Really," said the old gentleman, "there's no other. Not but + what," he added with a chuckle, "it gave them more pleasure to + row their races with lots of pretty faces to look on. Lor' + bless you, I don't object to 'em. It's the prettiest scene in + the world when the sun shines as it sometimes does. And that's + enough talking for one afternoon." With that he plunged, and + nothing I did could bring him to the surface again.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>EARLY ONE MORNING.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bound South from Japan to the port of Hong Kong</p> + + <p>We fell in with a little junk blowing along;</p> + + <p>We met her all bright at the breaking of day,</p> + + <p>And we gave her good-morning and passed on our + way.</p> + + <p>She had stretched her red sails like the wings of a + bat,</p> + + <p>And light, like a gull, on the water she sat;</p> + + <p>She had two big bright eyes for to keep a + look-out;</p> + + <p>On her stern there were dragons cavorting about.</p> + + <p>And Mrs. Ah Fit by the kitchen did sit</p> + + <p>Preparing some breakfast for Mr. Ah Fit,</p> + + <p>The gentleman who, as we saw when we neared her,</p> + + <p>By waggling the tickle-stick skilfully, steered + her.</p> + + <p>The little Fit men and the little Fit maids</p> + + <p>Were playing at tig round the brass carronades,</p> + + <p>And with all the delight of a juvenile Briton</p> + + <p>The littlest Ah Fitlet was plucking the kitten.</p> + + <p>With a "How do you do, Sir?" and "Hip, hip, + hooray!"</p> + + <p>'Twas so they blew by at the breaking of day.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" + id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/87.png" + alt="Comedian." /></a><i>Comedian</i> (<i>who has been + instructed to modify his humour to suit the taste of a + select audience at a charity performance at the local + theatre</i>). "THERE YOU ARE! NOT A LAUGH! THIS IS WOT + COMES OF YOUR 'FUNNY WITHOUT BEIN' VULGAR'!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BIVVIE.</h2> + + <p>"Not a bad possie," said George, looking round the village. + "Let's rustle a bivvie before the crowd comes along."</p> + + <p>All George's performances in the art of rustling bivvies + rank as star. He permits no coarse and obvious gathering of an + expectant horde about the opening door; no slacking of straps + and bootlaces until the final "I will" is said on either side. + He debouches in extended order on the doomed house; gets his + range and has the barrage well in hand (the quantity and + quality of Madame's gesticulations furnish the key to this) + before Colin drifts off the horizon and shows a peaked face + with haunting eyes over George's shoulder. Colin does not + speak. That is not his <i>métier</i>. He is the star shell + illuminating the position; and usually in about six minutes' + time it is safe for John to put in an appearance with the + kit.</p> + + <p>This is the recognised procedure, and it has served us + indifferently well up and down three years of war and a good + deal of France and Flanders. Therefore John was not to blame + when, after waiting the scheduled six minutes, he arrived to + find the other two still in the thick of it. Either Colin was + not haunting up to form (which was likely, as he had been + over-fed lately) or George's French (which was never made in + the place where they make marriages) had scandalised + Madame.</p> + + <p>She stood in the door like some historical personage, + probably the Sphinx, and repeated a guttural kind of + incantation while George stretched his ears until they stood + out more than usual in a struggle to understand.</p> + + <p>"Rotten patois some of these people speak," he said. "I + believe she has a room, though something's biting her. Likely + enough Fritz went off with all her furniture; but I've already + explained twenty times that that doesn't matter. <i>Écoutez, + Madame.</i> We only want a room. <i>Chambre-à-coucher.</i> We + can furnish it. We have three beds. <i>Trois lits.</i> + <i>Trois</i> stretcher-beds sent over from <i>Angleterre</i>. + <i>À la gare.</i> We've just seen them. <i>Trois lits nous + avons.</i> Three beds."</p> + + <p>"Beds!" Madame pounced on the word. "<i>C'est cela!</i> No + beds, <i>Monsieur</i>. <i>Je n'en ai pas.</i>"</p> + + <p>"Ah, now we know where we are." George looked round + triumphantly. "<i>Écoutez, Madame.</i> We don't want beds. + <i>Nous les desirons jamais.</i> We have them. <i>Trois + lits.</i> We don't want them. We have beds. + <i>Comprenez?</i>"</p> + + <p>"No beds," explained Madame firmly.</p> + + <p>"But I've just told you—" George plunged again into + the maelstrom, and a pretty girl appeared from the firelit room + behind to stir him to his highest flights of eloquence. A smell + of savoury cooking came also, and out in the street night shut + down dark and chill and sinister, as it does in all the best + novels. John let part of the kit down on the door-sill. It was + his way of explaining that at the present moment there was a + deeper, more intimate call than the Call of the Wild. Colin + moved up a step and turned the haunting-stop full on. George + redoubled his efforts, making them very clear indeed. We could + understand almost every word he said.</p> + + <p>Then Madame answered, and we could understand that + too.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" + id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span> + + <p>"No beds," she said.</p> + + <p>The pretty girl smiled in a troubled way and murmured + something in a soft voice.</p> + + <p>"She says they haven't got any beds in the rooms. Fritz took + them all," interpreted George. "<i>Écoutez, Mademoiselle</i>. + We have beds. <i>Trois lits. Nous les avons. Tous les trois. + Oui. À la gare. Absolument</i>."</p> + + <p>Mademoiselle looked at Madame with a kink of her pretty + brows. Madame rose like a balloon to the need.</p> + + <p>"No beds," she said very distinctly, with a rounding of eyes + and mouth. "No beds, Messieurs. No-o-o—<i>beds</i>."</p> + + <p>Before George could recover John interfered. He makes a + hobby of cutting Gordian knots.</p> + + <p>"Oh, what's the earthly use of telling 'em we have beds when + they can see for themselves that we haven't? They just think we + can't understand. Let's go up and take the rooms if they're + decent. Then we'll get the stretchers and put 'em up. That's + the only sort of argument we can handle."</p> + + <p>Manfully George went to work again. And reluctant, and yet + obviously fascinated by his French, like a bird by a snake, + Mademoiselle led up the narrow stairs and into a sizeable room, + clean as a pin and as naked. On the threshold Madame washed her + hands of hope.</p> + + <p>"<i>Regardez!</i> No beds. <i>C'est affreux!</i>"</p> + + <p>George began again. He had courage. Whatever else Nature and + luck denied him there was no question of that. For a little it + looked as though he were in sight of the goal. Then + Mademoiselle explained. They were <i>désolées</i>, but the + <i>sales Boches</i> had stolen all the beds, and Madame would + not let the bare rooms to <i>Messieurs les Anglais</i>. It + would not be <i>convenable</i> when they had no beds.</p> + + <p>"No beds!" Madame appealed to the skylight as witness, and + we looked at each other. It was getting late and the others + would have rustled all the best bivvies by now. John had + another brain-wave.</p> + + <p>"Let's pantomime it. They always understand pantomime. + There's no use <i>saying</i> we've got beds—not when + George has to say it. We'll show them."</p> + + <p>Earnestly we pantomimed stretcher beds—our own + stretcher beds—and reposeful slumber thereon. "<i>Mon + Dieu!</i>" cried Mademoiselle, retreating in haste. "No beds," + repeated Madame, unconvinced and unafraid.</p> + + <p>"She means that she doesn't want to have us," said John in + cold despair.</p> + + <p>"She'd be a fool if she did now," answered Colin grimly. + "Let's get out of this."</p> + + <p>And then John had a third brain-wave. He ordered George on + guard, and descended with Colin in search of the concrete proof + of our sanity. And Madame's voice, faint yet pursuing, followed + us down.</p> + + <p>"No beds," it said.</p> + + <p>In ten minutes we were back triumphant with the three + stretchers. It was a full six months since we had written to + England for them, and they had come at last. Visions of rest + went upstairs with us, and under the big eyes of Madame and + Mademoiselle and several more Madames who had collected as + unobtrusively as a silk hat collects dust we slashed at the + coverings, ripped them off and disclosed—three + deck-chairs.</p> + + <p>We did not attempt to meet the situation. We left it to the + devil—or Madame. And she, with the lofty serenity of one + who through long and grievous misunderstanding has won home at + last, was completely adequate.</p> + + <p>"No beds," she said.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/88.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/88.png" + alt="Grieved Wife." /></a><i>Grieved Wife</i>. "OH, + SIMON, ALL OVER YOUR NOO CONTROLLED TROUSERS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"ADOPTION.—Fine healthy boy, 3½ years; entire + surrender to good home. reception. 5 bedrooms; + £1,100."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>What an exacting young rascal!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Liebknecht was the son of a father who opposed tyranny + in earlier days, who sounded the toxin for + liberty."—<i>Express and Star</i> + (<i>Wolverhampton</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But, to do old LIEBKNECHT justice, it was the son, not the + father, who spelt it that way.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WAR-DOG'S PARTY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Continued.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I expected, of course, when I declared the resolution, "Dogs + not Doormats," open for general discussion that there would be + some pretty plain barking, but nothing calling for the + intervention of the Chair. Britain's dogs are sound at heart, + even if they do talk a bit wildly about the Tyranny of Man and + Rabbitism and Abolishing the Biscuiteer. I don't agree with a + lot of it myself—we Airedales have always been + conservatively inclined; but I am bound to say that three years + in the Army open one's eyes to a lot of things.</p> + + <p>Nothing of a really seditious character was said until the + Borzoi commenced to address the meeting. I had always disliked + the fellow and half suspected him of being an Anarchist or the + president of some brotherhood or other. (It's funny how these + rascals, whose one idea is to get something which belongs to + somebody else without working for it, always call themselves a + brotherhood.) But those Russian dogs have such a shifty + slinking way with them that you can't always tell what they are + driving at. This Borzoi chap had tried once or twice to + interest me in what he called the Community of Bones doctrine, + but I soon found out that his master was a conscientious + objector and a vegetarian and that the doctrine really meant + that he would do the communing and I would provide the + bones.</p> + + <p>The rogue began with some fulsome ingratiating remarks about + how pleased he was to see so many fine representatives of the + canine race prepared to maintain intact their sovereign doghood + whatever the sacrifice might entail. This brought loud applause + from the young hotheads; but I noticed traces of disgust along + the backs of the older dogs. The time had passed, he continued, + for speeches and resolutions and votes of censure. Dogs must + act if Man, the enemy, was to be finally crushed. I intervened + at this point and told the Borzoi he must moderate his + language, upon which he began to bluster, shouting that he + would not be put down by an arrogant hireling of effete + Militarism. One learns to practise self-control in the + trenches, so I was able to repress an inclination to + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" + id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> assert my authority then and + there. It was no use striking at man himself, he went on, + for he had guns and whips and stones at his command. We must + strike at him through his children.</p> + + <p>Cries of dissent greeted this statement, and I really think + the matter would have ended then and there only it so happened + that none of those present were personally interested in + children, except old Betty the bulldog, who belongs to four + little girls who treat her sovereign doghood in a most + disrespectful way. But old Betty had gone to sleep, and, + anyway, she is rather deaf and has no teeth, so it's likely she + would have confined herself to a formal snuffle of protest. + "Yes," shouted the Borzoi, now thoroughly worked up, "let every + dog take a solemn oath to bite every child on every possible + occasion—at least when no one is looking—and Man, + the oppressor, will soon come begging for mercy and make peace + with us on our own terms. No false loyalty or ridiculous sense + of chivalry must withhold us," he continued. "The baby in the + pram to-day is the man with the whip of to-morrow and must be + bitten with all the righteous fury of outraged doghood." Cries + of "Shame!" greeted this remark. I decided that it was time to + interpose. With all the severity at my command I bade the + wretch be silent.</p> + + <p>"Fellow dogs," I said, "it is clear that we must choose here + and now, once and for all, between Britishism and Bolshevism. + Tails up those who wish to remain British!" And of course every + tail went up. "Tails up, the Bolshevists!" But the Borzoi's was + down beyond recall and shivering between his legs. "That being + your decision, ladies and gentlemen," I continued, "the meeting + will constitute itself a Committee of Safety. Remarks have been + passed about your Chairman and the canine forces of His Majesty + that cannot be allowed to go unchallenged. All I ask is plenty + of room and no favour."</p> + + <p>All this time the Borzoi had been edging towards the door, + and I really think he would have tried to make a dash for it, + only at the last minute he caught the eye of the Irish + wolfhound. It's no good running away from a dog like that, so + Bolshy decided to stay and face the music. Well, as I said + before, we war dogs are supposed to be as modest as we are + brave, so I will confine myself to saying that down our way + Bolshevism hasn't a leg to stand on. Of course Master, when he + saw my ear, pretended to be angry, but he knows a war dog + doesn't fight except for his country, and when the Borzoi's + owner came round next day to complain Master told him he was a + miserable Pacifist and had no <i>locus standi</i>. I told + Master afterwards that the Borzoi had no <i>loci standi</i> + either, because I'd jolly well nearly chewed them off; and he + laughed and gave me a whole cutlet with a lot of delicious meat + on it, saying he wasn't hungry himself.</p> + + <p>Of course we dogs met again and adopted the rest of our + platform; and I don't mind saying I kept a pretty tight grip on + the proceedings. In fact, several resolutions, such as those + dealing with "Municipal Dog's-meat," "Rabbits in Regent's + Park," "The Prosecution of Untruthful Parlourmaids," "Shorter + Fur and Longer Legs," were carried without discussion. + Naturally the meetings concluded with a vote of thanks to the + Chair, to which I replied (they tell me) felicitously.</p> + + <p>That is how the War Dogs' Party came into being; and + to-morrow I shall tell that little terrier fellow from No. 10, + Downing Street, that as long as his master remains faithful to + the Dog-in-the-Street the War Dogs' Party will remain faithful + to him.</p> + + <p class="author">ALGOL.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/89.png" + alt="'OO LUMME! THAT MUST BE THE BLOKE WOT WON THE WAR!'" /> + </a>"OO LUMME! THAT MUST BE THE BLOKE WOT WON THE WAR!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'The little lass, and what worlds away,' one says to + oneself on coming out of Mr. Rosing's + recital."—<i>"Times'" Musical Critic</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It's the worst of music that it makes one so love-sick and + sentimental.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" + id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span> + + <h2>AN EXPENSIVE AMUSEMENT.</h2> + + <p>"As," says one of Mr. Punch's many and very welcome + correspondents, "you will probably be writing for the benefit + of your readers a short handbook on how to be demobilised, I + enclose for your guidance my solicitor's bill. He was engaged + from November 12th until I returned home on leave on December + 30th and took a hand in the game myself. The chief work was + tracing the various Government Departments to their hidden + lairs in which they indulge in the pleasing habit of exchanging + minutes.</p> + + <p>"Some day perhaps demobilisation will reach me. The sooner + the better, for I can never settle this account on my Army + pay."</p> + + <p>So much for the preamble. Here, with the alteration only of + certain names, is the document itself. Mr. Jones, it should be + mentioned, is a member of the firm to which the Officer in + question (whom we will call Mr. Lute) wishes to + return:—</p> + + <table summary="solicitor's bill" + align="center" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td align="left">1918.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">£</td> + + <td><i>s.</i></td> + + <td><i>d.</i></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">Nov. 12.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on calling on the + telephone as to Mr. Lute and advising him to make an + application</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">6</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">8</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 27.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Demobilisation Office, + Whitehall Gardens, when the place was too crowded to be + seen to-day. Engaged nearly two hours.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Writing Mr. Lute I was putting through + application.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">6</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" valign="top">" 28.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending New Bridge Street when I + interviewed Official and he handed me pivotal form + after explaining circumstances</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">18</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 29.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on calling when + Mrs. Lute was present, filling in form after discussing + same. Engaged 3 to 3.50.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">10</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Copy to keep</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">1</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 30.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending New Bridge Street, + interviewing Official, and he referred Mr. Lute's case + to Mr. Bedford Smith, 105a, Portman Square, Head Food + Department for your district</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">Dec. 2.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Portman Square, interviewing + Official, when he said I had got the wrong form and + requested me to go to Whitehall Gardens and ask them + about it.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td></td> + + <td></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Attending Demobilisation Office at + Whitehall Gardens, interviewing Official when he wanted + to know how I had got the form as I had no business to + have it as the issue of them had been stopped, and I + said it had been given to me, and he was unable to say + what should be done with it, but in any event another + form ought to be filled up, R.C.V., and he handed me + such form. Engaged 10.30 to 1; 2 to 3.45</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">Dec. 3.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Portman Square office, when + I said that I had been to the office at Whitehall + Gardens and they wanted to know how I had got the + pivotal form, but he took it in and said he would refer + it to the local committee at once, and he gave me the + name of the head man there and suggested we might push + it if we went to him, and he had nothing to do with the + R.C.V. form.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Attending Whitehall Gardens asking + what they wanted done with R.C.V. form and they said if + it was sent in there filled up it would receive + attention in its turn.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">10</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Writing Mr. Jones to get in touch with + Local Authority.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">6</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 5.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on telephone as to + getting into touch with local representative, which he + would do at once</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 6.</td> + + <td align="left">Filling up same and writing them + therewith</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">5</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 11.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones on telephone when + he said Committee had recommended application last + Friday evening</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 12.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Portman Square, interviewing + Official and they had not received recommendation of + local committee</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 13.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Mr. Jones, informing him + thereof on telephone giving me reference No. and he + would send on copy letter to him by local committee + recommending application</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 16.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Portman Square when they had + not heard from local committee, handing them copy of + their letter and they would act on that</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 18.</td> + + <td align="left">Writing Mr. Jones as to further form, + sent in to him to sign</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">6</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 19.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Portman Square when + application had gone forward</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Telephoning to Mrs. Lute to that + effect. Like Mr. Jones.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 20.</td> + + <td align="left">Writing Mr. Lute as to the matter</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">6</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 23.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Portman Square Official when + application was on way to War Office and they said you + would be demobilised shortly</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 31.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Mr. Lute, showing me + correspondence and requesting me to see Demobilisation + Department, Broad Street.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">1919</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">Jan. 2.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Broad Street when they had + removed to Hotel Windsor and obtaining two forms to + fill up to extend your leave while your case went + through if necessary and they knew nothing about your + case</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Attending at your office getting + Secretary to sign form.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">10</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" + valign="top">" 4.</td> + + <td align="left">Attending Windsor Hotel when + department disbanded and had gone to Lancaster + Gate</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">13</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="left">Attending you reporting on + telephone</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">3</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center">" 6.</td> + + <td align="left">Fare and expenses</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">15</td> + + <td align="right" + valign="bottom">0</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">——</td> + + <td align="right">—</td> + + <td align="right">—</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="right">Total</td> + + <td align="right">£14</td> + + <td align="right">5</td> + + <td align="right">0</td> + </tr> + </table> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE DRINK OF THE GODS.</h2> + + <h3>A PROHIBITIONIST'S CANTICLE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let meaner souls make merry</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er cups of ruby wine,</p> + + <p>With claret, port or sherry</p> + + <p class="i2">Their tunes incarnadine;</p> + + <p>Let little boys emphatic</p> + + <p class="i2">Become o'er ginger b.</p> + + <p>Myself I grow ecstatic</p> + + <p class="i2">About a drink called "Tea."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tea elevates one's pecker,</p> + + <p class="i2">Rejuvenates the mind,</p> + + <p>Enriches the exchequer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet never makes men "blind";</p> + + <p>When footsore and effete I'm</p> + + <p class="i2">From every ache set free,</p> + + <p>And not alone at tea-time</p> + + <p class="i2">I thank the Lord for "Tea."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It tells of balmy breezes</p> + + <p class="i2">That blow "o'er Ceylon's isle"</p> + + <p>(While HEBER mostly pleases</p> + + <p class="i2">His accent here is vile)—</p> + + <p>Of some far-flung plantation</p> + + <p class="i2">Where Hindus bend the knee;</p> + + <p>And would my occupation</p> + + <p class="i2">Were prefixed (ah!) by "Tea"!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis told in classic fable</p> + + <p class="i2">The nectar served to Zeus</p> + + <p>At his Olympic table</p> + + <p class="i2">Was just a vinous juice;</p> + + <p>That such is purely fiction</p> + + <p class="i2">I heartily agree,</p> + + <p>Having the sound conviction</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twas nothing less than "Tea."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"PARIS, Saturday.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>The Conference will be held in the imposing Salle de la + Grande Horloge. The 'hall of the great clock' is about + 30in. long by 15in. wide."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Imposing," indeed.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Manchester's £6,000,000 scheme for obtaining water + supplies from Haweswater was approved last night at a + meeting of ratepayers in the Town Hall. The annual + increased consumption of water had been a little over a + million gallons per head per day."—<i>Daily + Dispatch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The new slogan of the temperance enthusiasts—What + Manchester drinks to-day England will drink to-morrow.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" + id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/91.png" + alt="Visitor." /></a> + + <p><i>Visitor</i>. "BUT THOSE ATTACKS OF MALARIA DON'T LAST + LONG, DO THEY?"</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "MINE ISN'T ORDINARY MALARIA. THE DOCTOR + CALLS IT 'MALINGERING MALARIA.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I own that to find the publishers, those sometimes too + generous critics, writing upon the wrapper of <i>An English + Family</i> (HUTCHINSON) an appreciation that bracketed it with + <i>The Newcomes</i>, did little to predispose me in its favour. + Later, however, when I had read the book with an increasing + pleasure, I was ready to admit that the comparison was by no + means wholly unjustified. Certainly Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE has + written a very charming story in this history of the + <i>Frothinghams</i> and the growth of their typically English + characters, maturing just in time for the ordeal that has + tested and (one is proud to think) triumphantly approved the + spirit of our country. In fact these memoirs of <i>Hugh + Frothingham</i> are something more than an idle romance; there + is an allegory in them, and some touch of propaganda, cunningly + introduced in the fine character of <i>Torrance</i>, the great + surgeon who married one of the <i>Frothingham</i> girls and was + bombed in the hospital raids. Through the varied activities of + the family, as they develop, passes the cleverly-shown figure + of <i>Hugh</i>, the narrator, who, starting with fairer + prospects than any of the others, is ruined by indolence and an + income, and hardly saved by the War from degenerating into the + torpid existence of a social pussy-cat. <i>Hugh</i> is an + admirable example of the difficult art of seemingly unconscious + self-revelation. Altogether I have found <i>An English + Family</i> greatly to my taste, displaying as it does a dignity + and breadth that recall not unworthily the best traditions of + the English novel. But did we speak of <i>Serbia</i> in 1914? I + only ask.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>High Adventure</i> (CONSTABLE) is in certain ways the + most fascinating account of flying and of fliers which has come + my way. Captain NORMAN HALL, already well known to readers of + <i>Kitchener's Mob</i>, tells us in this later book how he + became a member of the Escadrille Américaine and how he learned + to fly. And, as his modesty is beyond all praise, I feel sure + that he will forgive me for saying that it is not the personal + note which is here so specially attractive. What makes his book + so different from other books on flying is that in it we have a + novice suffering from all sorts of mishaps and mistakes before + he has mastered the difficulties of his art. Whether + consciously or not Captain HALL performs a very great service + in describing the life of a flier while his wings are—so + to speak—only in the sprouting stage. In an introduction + Major GROS tells us of the work done by American pilots before + America entered the War, a delightful preface to a book which + both for its matter and style is good to read.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I confess at once that <i>The Uprooters</i> (STANLEY PAUL) + is a story that I have found hard to understand. There seems an + idea somewhere, but it constantly eluded me. To begin with, + exactly who or what were the Uprooters, and what did they + uproot? At first I thought the answer was going to name + <i>Major</i> and <i>Mrs. Elton</i>, who for no very sufficient + reason would go meddling off to Paris, and transporting thence + the brother and sister <i>Ormsby</i> to Ireland. The + <i>Ormsbys</i> had been happy and (apparently) harmless enough + hitherto, but once uprooted they promptly developed the most + unfortunate passions—reciprocated, moreover—for + their well-wishers. The obvious and laudable moral of + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page92" + id="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span> which is, never remove your + neighbour from his chosen landmarks. Later, however, it + became apparent that Mr. J.A.T. LLOYD had a more subtle + interpretation for his title in the activities of a band of + pacifists, headed by a multi-millionaire, who called himself + an American, though somehow his name, <i>Schwartz</i>, + hardly inspired me with any feelings of real confidence. On + his death-bed, however, this gentleman reveals blood of the + most Prussian blue, confessing that his wealth has actually + been derived from the dividends of Frau BERTHA; and as the + War has by this time resolved the emotional difficulties of + the other characters the story comes to its somewhat + procrastinated finish. My own belief in it had to endure two + tests, of which the less was inflicted by a scene + specifically placed in a "dim <i>second class</i> carriage" + on the L.&N.W.R. in 1916; and the greater by the <i>cri + de coeur</i> of the lady, whose husband surprised her with + her lover: "Edmund, get that murderous look out of your + eyes, the look of that dreadful ancestor in the portrait + gallery!" I ask you, does that carry conviction under the + circumstances?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Really, the delight of the publishers over <i>Cecily and the + Wide World</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) is almost touching. On the + outside of the wrapper they call it "charming," and are at the + further pains to advise me to "read first the turnover of + cover," where I find them letting themselves go in such terms + as "true life," "sincerity," "charm" (again), "courage," and + the like. The natural result of all which was that I approached + the story prepared for the stickiest of American cloy-fiction. + I was most pleasantly disappointed. Miss ELIZABETH F. CORBETT + has chosen a theme inevitably a little sentimental, but her + treatment of it is throughout of a brisk and tonic sanity, + altogether different from—well, you know the sort of + stuff I have in mind. <i>Cecily</i> was the discontented wife + of <i>Avery Fairchild</i>, a young doctor with three children + and a fair practice. After a while her discontent so increased + that she betook herself to the wide, wide world, to live her + own life. And as both she and <i>Avery</i> before long fell + cheerfully in love with other persons I suppose the move could + so far be counted a success. Before, however, the divorce + facilities of the land of freedom could bring the tale to one + happy ending an accident to <i>Cecily's</i> motor and the long + arm that delivered her to her husband's professional care + brought it to another. I am left wondering how this dénouement + would have been affected if <i>Avery</i> had been, say, a + dentist, or of any other calling than the one that so obviously + loaded the dice in his favour. I repeat, however, a distinctly + well-written and human story, almost startlingly topical too in + one place, where <i>Dr. Avery</i> observes, "There's a lot of + grippe in town, and it's a thing that isn't reported to the + Health Department." The obvious inference being that it ought + to be. <i>Avery</i>, you observe, had more practical sense than + the majority of heroes, few of whom would ever have thought of + this, or, at any rate, mentioned it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Baroness ORCZY's romance of old Cambrai, <i>Flower o' the + Lily</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), should not be regarded as in + any way bearing upon the more modern history of that remarkable + city. It has nothing to do with our war; it has a war of its + own, a rapid affair of bows and arrows, scaling ladders and + such desperate situations as can be, and were, saved by the + arrival of the right man, single-handed, in the right place at + the right moment. Familiar as is his type in novels of this + adventurous kind, I think I shall never tire of the consummate + swordsman hero who impersonates, for political and matrimonial + ends, a man of infinitely higher degree but far less real worth + than himself, handling the vicarious business with an + incredible adroitness, but mistakenly carrying by storm the + love of the lady for himself. The lady is so confoundedly + attractive in these circumstances, possibly because there is + about them a tonic which lends additional colour to the + feminine cheek and a new brilliance to the eye. And, however + bitter may be the first moment when the true personalities are + divulged, it all comes right in the end. Here is a story of + intrigue and battle and love, written in the necessary + phraseology of the time and woven round (and, I trust, + consistent with) the historical contest between the Spanish and + French Powers, disputing the terrain of Flanders; in every way + a worthy successor of <i>The Scarlet Pimpernel</i>. It is + inevitable to suggest that this story should also be dramatised + in due course; it would make as a play an instant and + irresistible appeal to that great public which loves the + theatre most when it is most theatrical. And it is doubtless + destined also for the Movies.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/92.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/92.png" + alt="SCENE.—<i>Cologne</i>—<i>Present Day</i>." /> + </a>SCENE.—<i>Cologne</i>—<i>Present + Day</i>.<br /> + "GIE YE CHOCOLATE! <i>GIE YE CHOCOLATE!!</i> D'YE THINK + I'VE BEEN BOBBIN' UP AN' DOON IN FRONT O' YOUR AULD MON FOR + FOUR YEARS JUST TAE COME HERE AN' GIE YE CHOCOLATE?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>More Secrets of the Fleet.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Few people realise the difficulty senior officers in + the Navy who are married and have children have in making + both ends meet. Naval officers who entered over fifteen + years ago did not, as a rule, come from the married + classes."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Whilst waiting to be bathed, an old blind female inmate + of the —— Institution fell to the floor, + breaking her thigh. Her injury has accentuated her death + from bronchitis."—<i>Birmingham Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>With a grave accent, we fear.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The war broke Germany's hold on world's wild animal + trade, the New York Zoological Society chairman states. + Zoos and circuses are now turning to British dealers to + fill their cages."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Provided that the above paragraph has made the British + dealers sufficiently wild.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13927 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13927-h/images/73.png b/13927-h/images/73.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d54de13 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/73.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/75.png b/13927-h/images/75.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..159a6ad --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/75.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/77.png b/13927-h/images/77.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2565a60 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/77.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/78.png b/13927-h/images/78.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b22eb6b --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/78.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/79.png b/13927-h/images/79.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e664b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/79.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/81.png b/13927-h/images/81.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b7029d --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/81.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/82.png b/13927-h/images/82.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e74dc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/82.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/83.png b/13927-h/images/83.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..44953f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/83.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/85.png b/13927-h/images/85.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..64ec614 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/85.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/86.png b/13927-h/images/86.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2aa37fb --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/86.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/87.png b/13927-h/images/87.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..370402f --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/87.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/88.png b/13927-h/images/88.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..64db96a --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/88.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/89.png b/13927-h/images/89.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a57bc0e --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/89.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/91.png b/13927-h/images/91.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd2c842 --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/91.png diff --git a/13927-h/images/92.png b/13927-h/images/92.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..882bc9b --- /dev/null +++ b/13927-h/images/92.png |
