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diff --git a/13903-0.txt b/13903-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b49e1a --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1637 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +January 3, 1917. + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. Clii.] + + * * * * * + +MORE DISCIPLINE. + +"Yes, Sir," said Sergeant Wally, accepting one of my cigarettes and +readjusting his wounded leg,--"yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. +It's only when a man moves on the word o' command, without waiting to +think, that he becomes a really reliable soldier. I remember, when +I was a recruit, how they put us through it. I'd been on the square +about a week. I was a fairly smart youngster, and I thought I was +jumping to it just like an old soldier, when the drill sergeant called +me out of the ranks. Look 'ere,' he said, 'if you think you're going +to make a fool o' me, standing about there till you choose to obey +the word o' command, you've made a big mistake.' I could 'a' cried at +the time, but I've been glad often enough since for what the sergeant +said that day. I've found that little bit of gag useful myself many a +time." + +I was meditating with sympathy upon the many victims of Sergeant +Wally's borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again. + +"When I first came up to London from the depôt," he said, "I'd a +brother, a corporal in the same battalion. You know as well as I do, +Sir, that as a matter o' discipline a corporal doesn't have any truck +with a private soldier, excepting in the way of duties, and my brother +didn't speak to me for the first week. Then one day he called me up +and said, 'It ain't the thing for me to be going about with you, but +as you're my brother I'll go out with you to-night. Have yourself +cleaned by six o'clock.' + +"Well, I took all the money I'd got--about twelve bob--and off we +went. + +"We had a bit o' supper first at a place my brother knew of, and a +very good supper it was. My brother ordered it, but I paid. Then we +got a couple of cigars--at least, I did. Then we went to a music-hall, +me paying, of course. We had a drink during the evening, and when we +came out my brother said, 'We'd better come in here and have a snack.' + +"'Well, I ain't got any money left,' I sez. My brother looked at me +a minute, and then he said, 'I don't know what I've been thinking of, +going about with you, you a private and me a corporal. Be off 'ome !' +And he stalks away. + +"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. Thank you, I'll have another +cigarette." + + * * * * * + +SIMPLER FASHIONS IN INDIA. + + "The bride, who was given away by her father, looked happy and + handsome in a beautiful red fern dress."--_Allahabad Pioneer_. + + * * * * * + +TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR. + + Now with the New-born Year, when people issue + Greetings appropriate to all concerned, + Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you + Whatever peace of mind you may have earned; + It doesn't sound too fat, + But you will have to be content with that. + + For you will get no other, though you ask it; + No peace on diplomatic folios writ, + Like what you chucked in your waste-treaty-basket, + Torn into fragments, bit by little bit; + In these rude times we shrink + From vain expenditure of pulp and ink. + + You hoped to start a further scrap of paper + And stretched a flattering paw in soft appeal, + Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr + With velvet padding round your claws of steel; + A pretty piece of acting, + But, ere we treat, those claws'll want extracting. + + You thought that you had just to moot the question + And say you felt the closing hour had come + And we should simply jump at your suggestion + And all the Hague with overtures would hum; + You'd but to call her up, + And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup. + + But Peace and War are twain (see _Chadband's_ platitude); + War you could summon by your single self, + But Peace--for she adopts a stickier attitude-- + Takes two to mobilise her off the shelf; + Unless one side's so weak + That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak. + + When things are thus and you have had your beating, + We'll talk and you can listen. Better cheer + I've none to offer you by way of greeting, + But this should help you through the glad New Year; + It lacks for grace, I own, + But let its true sincerity atone! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +AN EXTRA SPECIAL. + +A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in moderation. +I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I expect to be moderately +bored. In fact a partner who flashed through all the four hours might +attract Zeppelins. But Granby! In human endurance there is a point +known as the limit. That is Granby. + +Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity made Granby +a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense their wisdom into +sentences. Granby beats out his limited store into orations. + +It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other night +and to find that the other specials had craftily left Granby to be my +partner. The results of unpunctuality are sometimes hideous. + +Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I may +describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the court the +other day a very curious case came before me." He was off. If Granby +delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches he recites to me the +Government ought to intervene. No man however guilty ought to have a +sentence _and_ one of Granby's orations. He might be given the option. +Personally, for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to +serve the sentence. + +Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable treble voice +down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires Burning." "Sounds +like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to investigate this." Had it +been a couple of armed burglars I should have welcomed their advent if +it stopped Granby. + +We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the pavement warbling +Songs Without Melody. + +"Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was turned on her. + +"A distinct case of intoxication _plus_ incapability," observed +Granby. "We must take her to the station. You can charge her. I have +so many important engagements this week that I can't spare time to be +a witness." + +I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to be thrust on +me. + +"I also have many important engagements this week," I replied. + +"This duty is to be taken seriously--" began Granby. + +"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see her home. She +can't stay here rousing the street." + +"That was what I was about to suggest as the proper course for +you when you interrupted me," said Granby. "Where do you live?" he +demanded. + +"Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore Uncle Sam's +been dead eleven years." + +"Come on," I said. "Get up and we'll see you home." + +The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and said +affectionately, "'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim in 'is best days +afore 'e got jugged!" + +Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think he knew that I +was smiling in the darkness. + +"Jus' like ole times, when we was courtin' together," continued the +lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze-topped barmaid comin' between +us, what might 'ave been! ah, what might 'ave been!" + +This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing, "Come to me, sweet +Marie," with incidental attempts at a step-dance. The _finale_ brought +us to Benbow Avenue. + +"I shall speak to her husband and caution him severely about his +wife's conduct," said Granby to me. + +I shrank into the background ready to move off directly the oration +began. + +Granby knocked at the door and it opened. + +"I have brought your wife home in a state--" he began. + +"Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk while you've been +sitting guzzling by the fire?" + +"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the indignant husband. + +"I am a magistrate and a special constable--" began Granby. + +"More shame to you. It's the likes of you 'oo disgraces the upper +clarses." + +"Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. "Don't lower yourself by talking +to 'im. I never could abide a man as smelt o' gin meself." + +The door slammed and Granby strode towards me. + +"The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I am tempted to +despair of the State when I think of it. The only way is to let these +occurrences pass into oblivion, to set oneself resolutely to forget +them as if they had never been." + +I agreed; but since then Granby has always eyed me curiously. I think +he suspects that I am not forgetting resolutely enough. + + * * * * * + +A Field Officer writes: "Yesterday I was saluted by an Australian +private. It was a great day for me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY. + +UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiast_. "AS A PATRIOT, MADAM, WILL YOU SIGN THE +ROLL OF HONOUR OF 'THE NO-SUPERFLUOUS-TRAVEL-BUT-GIVE-UP-YOUR-SEATS- +TO-SOLDIERS-AND-SAILORS-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE LEAGUE'?"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LIV. + +My Dear Charles,--What about this Peace? I suppose that, what with +your nice new Governments and all, this is the very last thing you +are thinking of making at the moment. I wouldn't believe that the old +War was ever going to end at all if it wasn't for the last expert and +authoritative opinion I hear has been expressed by our elderly barber +in Fleet Street. At the end of July, 1914, he told me confidentially, +as he snipped the short hairs at the back of my head, that there was +going to be no war; the whole thing was just going to fizzle out. Now +he says it is going to be a very, very long business, as he always +thought it would. + +I find it difficult to maintain consistently either the detached point +of view, in which one discusses it as if it was a European hand of +bridge, or the purely interested point of view, in which one regards +it only as a matter affecting one's individual comfort. I know a Mess, +well up in the Front where they measure the mud by feet, in which +they were discussing the War raging at their front door as if it had +nothing to do with them beyond being a convenient thing to criticise. +Men who were then likely to be personally removed at any moment by +it saw nothing in the progress of it to be depressed about. As the +evening wore on and they all came to find that they knew much more +about the subject than they supposed, they were prepared to increase +the allowance of casualties in pressing the merits of their own pet +schemes. No gloom arose from the possibility that this generous offer +might well include their own health and limbs. There was no gloom; +there was even no desire to change the subject. Indeed, the better to +continue it they called for something to drink. There was nothing to +drink, announced the Mess Orderly. Why was there nothing to drink? +asked the Mess President, advocate of enormous offensives on a wide +front for an indefinite period of years, if need be. The Mess Orderly +explained that more drink was on order, it had not arrived because +of difficulties of carriage. Why were there difficulties of carriage? +Because of the War. "Confound the War," said the Mess President. "It +really is the most infernal nuisance." + +I know a Captain Jones, resident a cottage on the road to the +trenches (he calls this cottage his "Battle Box"), whose mind was very +violently moved from the impersonal to the personal point of view by a +quite trifling incident. He has one upstairs room for office, bedroom, +sitting, reception and dining room. His meals are brought over to +him by his servant from an estaminet across the road over which his +window looks. The other morning he was standing at this window waiting +for his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine frosty day, made all the +brighter by the sound of approaching bagpipes. Troops were about to +march past, suggesting great national thoughts to Jones and reminding +him of the familiar details of his own more active days. Jones +prepared to enjoy himself. + +Colonels on horses, thought Jones as he contemplated, are much of a +muchness--always the look of the sahib about them, the slightly +proud, the slightly stuffy, the slightly weather-beaten, the slightly +affluent sahib. Company Commanders, also on horses, but somehow or +other not quite so much on horses as the Colonels, are the same +all the army through--very confident of themselves, but hoping +against hope that there is nothing about their companies to catch +the Adjutant's eye. The Subaltern walks as he has always done, +lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that all is as it should be, but +feeling that if it isn't that is some one else's trouble. Sergeants, +Corporals, Lance-corporals and men have not altered. The Sergeants +relax on the march into something almost bordering on friendliness +towards their victims; the Corporals thank Heaven that for the moment +they are but men; the Lance-corporals thank Heaven that always they +are something more than men, and the men have the look of having +decided that this is the last kilometre they'll ever footslog for +anybody, but while they are doing it they might as well be cheerful +about it. The regimental transport makes a change from the regularity +of column of route, and the comic relief is provided, as it has always +been and always will be provided whatever the disciplinary martinets +may say or do, by the company cooks. + +This was a sight, thought Jones, he could watch for ever. He was sorry +when the battalion came at last to an end; he was glad when another +almost immediately began. He was in luck; doubtless this was a brigade +on the move. He proposed to have his breakfast at the window, when +it came as come it soon must, thus refreshing his hungry body and +his contemplative mind at the same time. The second battalion, as the +first, were fine fellows all, suggesting the might of the Allies and +the futility of the enemy's protracted resistance. Again the comic +relief was provided by the travelling cuisine, reminding Jones of the +oddity of human affairs and the need of his own meal, now sufficiently +deferred. + +The progress of the Brigade was interrupted by the intervention of +a train of motor transport. Jones spent the time of its passing in +consulting his watch, wondering where the devil was his breakfast and +ascertaining that his servant had indeed gone across the road for it +at least forty minutes ago. + +It was not until there came a break, after the first company of the +third battalion, that the reason of this delay became apparent. +There was his servant on the far side of the road, and there was his +breakfast in the servant's hand, all standing to attention, as they +should do when a column of troops was passing.... + +The remainder of that Brigade suggested no agreeable thoughts to +Captain Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in the whole and nothing +attractive in any detail of it. It was in fact just a long and +tiresome sequence of monotonous and sheeplike individuals who really +might have chosen some other time and place for their silly walks +abroad. And as for the spirit of discipline exemplified in the +servant, who scrupled to defy red tape and slip through at a +convenient interval, this was nothing else but the maddening +ineptitude of all human conceits. + +A wonderful servant is that servant of Captain Jones; but then they +all are. Valet, cook, porter, boots, chambermaid, ostler, carpenter, +upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, needlewoman, coal-heaver, diplomat, +barber, linguist (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete +pantechnicon and infallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very +old soldier, and a man of the most human kind. Jones came across him +in the earlier stages of the War, not in England and not in France. +The selection wasn't after the usual manner or upon the usual +references. He recommended himself to Jones by the following +incident:-- + +A new regiment had come to the station; between them and the old +regiment, later to become the firmest friends, some little difference +of opinion had arisen and, upon the first meeting of representative +elements in the neighbouring town, there had been words. Reports, +as they reached Jones at the barracks some four miles from the town, +hinted at something more than words still continuing. Jones, having +reason to anticipate sequels on the morrow, took the precaution of +going round his company quarters then, and there, to find which of his +men, if any, were not involved. "There's a fair scrap up in town," he +heard a man saying. As he entered, a second man was sitting up in bed +and asking, "Dost thou think it will be going on yet?" Hoping for the +best, he was for rising, dressing, walking four miles and joining in. + +Jones stopped his enterprise that night, but engaged him for servant +next day. I don't know why, nor does he; but he was right all the +same. Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _M.O._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MY MAN?" + +_Private_. "VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HEART, SIR." + +_M.O._ "MY WORD! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?" + +_Private_. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, SIR."] + + * * * * * + + "Will anyone knowing where to obtain the game of 'Bounce' + kindly inform A.T.?"--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +"A.T." should address himself to the Imperial Palace at Potsdam. + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS. + +(_SUGGESTED BY AN OFFICIAL NOTICE OF THE L. & N.W.R._) + + The whole vicinity of Hooley Hill + Is smitten with a devastating chill, + And the once cheerful neighbourhood of Pleck + Has got the hump and got it in the neck. + The residential gentry of Pont Rug + No longer seem self-satisfied or smug, + And the distressed inhabitants of Nantlle + Are wrapped in discontent as in a mantle. + Good folk who Halted once at Apsley Guise + Are now afflicted with a sad surprise, + While Oddington, another famous Halt, + Is silent as a sad funereal vault; + And the dejected denizens of Cheadle + Look one and all as if they'd got the needle. + + * * * * * + +AN UNFORTUNATE JUXTAPOSITION. + + "Dr. ---- has RESUMED PRACTICE. + + ---- AND ----, UNDERTAKERS." + +_West Australian_. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to President WILSON Germany also claims to be fighting for +the freedom of the smaller nations. Her known anxiety to free the +small nations of South America from the fetters of the Monroe Doctrine +has impressed the PRESIDENT with the correctness of this claim. + + *** + +Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has gone and given away the secret that +Germany does not care a rap for the rights of the little nations. It +is this kind of blundering that sours your transatlantic diplomatist. + + *** + +General JOFFRE has been made a Marshal of France. While falling short +of the absolute omnipotence of London's Provost-Marshal the position +is not without a certain dignity. + + *** + +The announcement that the Queen of HUNGARY's coronation robe is to +cost over £2,000 has had a distinctly unpleasant effect upon the +German people, who are wondering indignantly how Belgium is to be +indemnified if such extravagance is permitted to continue. + + *** + +It is stated that as the result of the drastic changes in our railway +service the publication of _Bradshaw's Guide_ may be delayed. At a +time when it is of vital importance to keep up the spirits of the +nation the absence of one of our best known humorous publications will +be sorely felt. + + *** + +The failure of King CONSTANTINE to join with other neutrals in urging +peace on the belligerents must not be taken as indicating that he is +out of sympathy with the German effort. + + *** + +The County Council has after mature deliberation decided to set aside +ten acres of waste land for cultivation by allotment holders. It is +this ability to think in huge figures that distinguishes the municipal +from the purely individual patriot. + + *** + +In anticipation of a Peace Conference German agents at the Hague have +been making discreet inquiries after lodgings for German delegates. +The latter have expressed a strong preference for getting in on the +ground floor. + + *** + +The weighing of a recruit could not be completed at Mill Hill, as the +scales did not go beyond seventeen stone, and indignation has been +expressed in some quarters at the failure of the official mind to +adopt the simple expedient of weighing as much as they could of him +and then weighing the rest at a second or, if necessary, a third +attempt. + + *** + +It is rumoured that tradesmen's weekly books are to be abolished. We +have long felt that the absurd practice of paying the fellows is a +relic of the dark ages. + + *** + +The statement of a writer in a morning paper that Wednesday night's +fog "tasted like Stilton cheese" has attracted the attention of the +Food Controller, who is having an analysis made with the view of +determining its suitability for civilian rations. We assume that it +would rank as cheese and not count in the calculation of courses. + + *** + +Austria has forbidden the importation of champagne, caviare and +oysters, and now that the horrors of war have thus been thoroughly +brought home to the populace it is expected that public opinion in the +Dual Monarchy will shortly force the EMPEROR to make overtures to the +Allies for a separate peace. + + *** + +As a protest against being fined, a Tottenham man has stopped his +War Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after a series of prolonged +discussions with Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. BONAR LAW has decided +that the War can go on, subject to the early introduction of certain +economies. + + *** + +The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given permission to his tenants to trap +rabbits on the ducal estates. It is hoped that a taste of real sport +will cause many of the local residents, though above military age, to +volunteer for similar work on the West Front. + + *** + +The prisons in Berlin are said to be full of women who have offended +against the Food Laws, and in consequence of this many deserving +criminals are homeless. + + *** + +A party of American literary and scientific gentlemen have obtained +permission to visit Egypt on a mission of research. In view of the +American craze for souvenir-hunting it is anticipated that a special +guard will be mounted over the Pyramids. + + * * * * * + + "'I am being overwhelmed with letters offering services from + all and sundry,' Mr. Chamberlain said yesterday. + + 'As I haven't even appointed a private secretary at present,' + he added, 'it is obviously impossible for me even to open + them.'"--_Daily Sketch_. + + +We suppose the Censor must have told him what they were about. + + * * * * * + +MUSCAT. + + An ancient castle crowns the hill + That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay, + Where, in the spacious days of old, + Stout ALBUQUERQUE set his hold + Dealing in slaves and silks and gold + From Hormuz to Cathay. + + The Dom has passed, the Arab rules; + Yet still there fronts the morning light + Erect upon the crumbling wall + The mast of some great Amiral, + A trophy of the Portingall + In some forgotten fight. + + The wind blows damp, the sun shines hot, + And ever on the Eastern shore, + Faint envoys from the far monsoon, + There in the gap the breakers croon + Their old unchanging rhythmic rune + (The noise is such a bore). + + And week by week to climb that hill + The SULTAN sends some sweating knave + To scan the misty deep and hail + With hoisted nag the smoky trail + That means (hurrah!) the English mail, + So we still rule the wave! + + Hurrah!--and yet what tales of woe! + My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks, + The long-drawn agony of strife, + The daily toll of precious life, + And a sad screed from my poor wife + Of babes with chicken-pox. + + All this it brings--yet brings therewith + That which may help us bear and grin. + "Boy, when you hear the boat's keel scrunch, + Ask the mail officer to lunch; + But give me time to peep at _Punch_ + Before you let him in." + + * * * * * + +LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS. + +THE TAXI-MEN. + +What (writes a returned traveller) has happened to London's +taxi-drivers? When I went away, not more than three months ago, they +occasionally stopped when they were hailed and were not invariably +unwilling to convey one hither and there. But now ... With flags +defiantly up, they move disdainfully along, and no one can lure them +aside. Where on these occasions are they going? How do they make a +living if the flag never comes down? Are they always on their way +to lunch, even late at night? Are they always out of petrol? I can +understand and admire the independence that follows upon overwork; +but when was their overwork done? The only tenable theory that I have +evolved is that Lord NORTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise to absolutism +is another phenomenon of my absence) has engaged them all to patrol +the streets in his service. + +Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver, breaking free from this bondage, +answers a hail; but even then all is not necessarily easy. This is the +kind of thing:-- + +_You_. I want to go to Bedford Gardens. + +_The Sunbeam_ (_indignantly_). Where's that? + +_You_. In Kensington. + +_The Sunbeam_. That's too far. I've got another job at half-past four +(_or_ My petrol's run out). + +_You_. If I gave you an extra shilling could you just manage it? + +_The Sunbeam_ (_scowling_). All right. Jump in. + +This that follows also happens so frequently as to be practically the +rule and not the exception:-- + +_You_. 12, Lexham Gardens. + +_The Sunbeam_. 12, Leicester Gardens. + +_You_. No; LEXHAM. + +_The Sunbeam_. 12, Lexham Road? + +_You_ (_shouting_). No; Lexham GARDENS! + +_The Sunbeam_. What number? + +_You_. TWELVE! + +To illustrate the power that the taxi-driver has been wielding over +London during the past week or so of mitigated festivity, let me tell +a true story. I was in a cab with my old friend Mark, one of the most +ferocious sticklers for efficiency in underlings who ever sent for the +manager. His maledictions on bad waiters have led to the compulsory +re-decorating of half the restaurants of London months before their +time, simply by discolouring the walls with their intensity. Well, +after immense difficulty, Mark and I, bound for the West, induced a +driver to accept us as his fare, and took our places inside. + +"He looks a decent capable fellow," said Mark, who prides himself on +his skill in physiognomy. "We ought to be there in a quarter of an +hour." + +But we did not start. First the engine was cold. Then, that having +consented and the flag being lowered, a fellow-driver asked our man to +help him with his tail-light. He did so with the utmost friendliness +and deliberation. Then they both went to the back of our cab to see +how our tail-light was doing, and talked about tail-lights together, +and how easy it was to jolt them out, and how difficult it was to know +whether they had been jolted out or not, and how jolly careful one had +to be nowadays with so many blooming regulations and restrictions and +things. + +Meanwhile Mark was becoming purple with suppressed rage, for the clock +was ticking and all this wasted time should, in a decently-managed +world, have belonged to us. But he dared not let himself go. It was +a pitiful sight--this strong man repressing impulse. At any moment +I expected to see him dash his arm through the window and tell the +driver what he thought of him; but he did not. He did nothing; but I +could hear his blood boil. + +Then at last our man mounted the box, and just at that moment (this is +an absolutely true story) it chanced that an errand-boy asked him the +way to Panton Street, and he got down from the box and walked quite a +little way with the boy to show him. And while he was away the engine +stopped. It was then that poor Mark performed one of the most heroic +feats of his life. He still sat still; but I seemed to see his hat +rising and falling, as did the lid of WATT's kettle on that historic +evening which led to so much railway trouble, from strikes and +sandwiches to _Bradshaw_. Still he said nothing. Nor did he speak +until the engine had been started again and we were really on our way +and thoroughly late. "If it had only been in normal times," he said +grimly, "how I should have let that man have it. But one simply +mustn't. It's terrible, but they've got us by the short hairs!" + +No doubt of that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_to maid who has asked for a rise_). "WHY, +MARY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH AS THAT." + +_Mary_. "WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK OUT WITH HAS JUST +GOT A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I SHALL BE OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO +HIM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gretchen_. "WILL IT NEVER END? THINK OF OUR AWFUL +RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY." + +_Hans_. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY MEAL."] + + * * * * * + +WARS OF THE PAST. + +(_AS RECORDED IN THE PRESS OF THE PERIOD._) + +V. + +_FROM "THE PIRÆUS PICTORIAL."_ + +GET A MOVE ON. + +_BY MR. DEMOSTHENES._ + + [_The brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who has been aptly + styled "the leading light of the democracy," contributes what + is perhaps the most wonderful and powerful article which we + have had the pleasure of publishing from his trenchant pen._] + +Words won't do it, my friends. We don't want speeches. We want +_action_. I ask you to give the Buskers socks. Kick this Chorus of +Five Hundred out of the orchestra. Ostrichise the Government! Give +them the bird! + +If I read my countrymen aright (and who does if I don't?), what they +are saying now is, "We must have a definite plan of strong action. +We are not going to fight any longer with speeches and despatches." +That's the way, Athenians! Good luck to you! Zeus bless you. And the +same to you, Tommy Hoplites and Jack Nautes, and many of them! _You_ +don't mean PHILIP to be Tyrant of Athens, do you? _You_'re not going +to have him turning our beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry stable? +_You_'re not going to see the Barbarians hanging up their shields +on the dear old statue of Athene. Of course you're not. When I walk +through the city and see, as I pass the houses of my humbler brethren, +the neat respectable little altars and the good old well-used +wine-presses (which I never do without breathing a little prayer, +uncantingly, straight from the heart), I say, "It's a foul calumny to +pretend that the people are not all right. They are, Zeus bless 'em! +All they are waiting for is a lead. And action!" + +We've got to have a strong policy, my friends, and my tip to you +is--"Trust the Army! Curse the politicians!" It's no use sitting +still while ÆSCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You and I, my brothers and +sisters, as I'm proud to call you, _we_ don't spout, do we? We mean +business! _And PHILIP means business too_! At any moment he may come +down on us and devastate our quiet picturesque little demes which we +all love so well and get disgustingly drunk on _our_ wine. So give +us the word, ÆSCHINES AND Co.--not many words, please, but just _one_ +word--and we'll tackle him as he ought to be tackled and put a pinch +of Attic salt on his tail. We don't want _this_ PHILIP, but we _do_ +want a fillip of our own. Meanwhile, are we downhearted? I _don't_ +think. + +(_Another powerful philippic by Mr. Demosthenes next week._) + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO DO WITH OUR PRISONERS. + + "Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 Germans; + limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds military + hospital."--_Bazaar_. + + * * * * * + + "The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer _Spyros_ lacks + confirmation."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We always had our doubts about the report. + + * * * * * + + "Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with the + goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely recognized + that it was bad policy to kill him."--_G.B. Shaw in "The + Times_." + +Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away from the +sex-problem. + + * * * * * + +FREMDENBLATT.--Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day that the +Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they rejected Germany's +terms."--_Daily Paper_. + +But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a sling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK. + +BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE.] + + * * * * * + +HIS MASTER'S VOICE. + +FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION. + + I am the White House typewriter! + I am the Voice of the People + And then some! + I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends, + All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN, + Who has a megaphone of his own. + I am the soul of a great free people! + Hence the _vers libre_ + Which breathes the spirit of Democracy + Because anybody can do it. + + Who secured a second term of office for my master, President WILSON? + Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General HARRISON GRAY OTIS? + It was not. + It was I! + Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS. + + I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel HOUSE and nearly as + useless as Senator WORKS, + But as my master only works me with one thumb + (For fear of saying something that might have to be explained away) + I do very nicely. + And when it comes to throwing the bull + I am the real Peruvian doughnuts. + + I was new once, but obscure, + Wasting my freshness on a _Life of Jefferson_ (extinct) + And a _History of the United States_, + Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and the MCCLURE Syndicate + Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back page of provincial + newspapers + Along with _Dainty Diapers_ and _Why I Love the Movies_, by MARY + PICKFORD. + + I am the Defender of Liberties! + Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it again; + Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms when the British + Navy threatened to interfere with business. + Next to Mr. LANSING, + Who is said to use a Blickensderfer, + I am the hottest little protester in Protestville, + And in consequence nobody loves me, + Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM RANDOLPH + HEARST; + Nor even _The Spectator_, + Which never did like Democrats, anyway. + + But now I am the Harbinger of Peace + By special request. + Imperial Germany, + Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled potatoes, + Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter annihilation, + And the prayer is echoed + By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals. + So my keys tap out the glad message + Of friendship for all and trouble for none. + + I ask them what they are fighting about, + And if it is really true that Belgium has been invaded, + And propose that we should all get together and talk it over + Nice and quietly over tea and muffins + And away from all the nasty blood and noise. + + Thus I address them, + And humane Germany + Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply with my request; + But the stiff-necked Entente, + With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the LINCOLN person at his + worst, + Merely utter joint and several sentiments + The substance and effect of which appear to be + "Nix!" + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bill_ (_coming to after a shell has hit his dug-out_). +"HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?" + +_William_. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL." + +_Bill_. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' WILLIAM?" + +_William_. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL." + +_Bill_. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT SNOW OR DAISIES?"] + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY REGRET. + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +Once upon a time a man lay dying. + +He was dying very much at his ease, for he had had enough of it all. + +None the less they brought a priest, who stretched his face a yard +long and spoke from his elastic-sided boots. + +"This is a solemn moment," said the priest. "But sooner or later it +comes to us all. You are fortunate in having all your faculties." + +The dying man smiled grimly. + +"Is there any wrong that you have done that you wish redressed?" the +priest asked. + +"None that I can remember," said the dying man. + +"But you are sorry for such wrong as you have done?" + +"I don't know that I am," said the dying man. "I was a very poor hand +at doing wrong. But there are some so-called good deeds that I could +wish undone which are still bearing evil fruit." + +The priest looked pained. "But you would not hold that you have not +been wicked?" he said. + +"Not conspicuously enough to worry about," replied the other. "Most of +my excursions into what you would call wickedness were merely attempts +to learn more about this wonderful world into which we are projected. +It's largely a matter of temperament, and I've been more attracted by +the gentle things than the desperate. Strange as you may think it, I +die without fear." + +"But surely there are matters for regret in your life?" the priest, +who was a conscientious man, inquired earnestly. + +"Ah!" said the dying man. "Regret? That's another matter. Have I no +occasion for regret? Have I not? Have I not?" + +The priest cheered up. "For opportunities lost," he said. "The lost +opportunities--how sad a theme, how melancholy a retrospect! Tell me +of them." + +"I said nothing about lost opportunities," the dying man replied; "I +said that there was much to regret, and there is; but there were no +opportunities that in this particular I neglected. They simply did not +present themselves often enough." + +"Tell me of this sorrow," said the priest. "Perhaps I may be able to +comfort you." + +The dying man again smiled his grim smile. "My greatest regret," he +said, "and one, unhappily, that could never be remedied, even if I +lived to be a thousand, is--" + +"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning nearer. + +"Is," said the dying man, "that I have known so few children." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_for the second time, after officer has +answered "Friend," and come up close_). "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Officer._ "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?" + +_Sentry._ "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIR, I'M SURE. I'M A STRANGER HERE +MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +"ABSENTEE ARRESTED. + + Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shann on a lighter in the + Old Harbour. He failed to produce his registration card and + could offer no reason why he had not reported for service. + Subsequently he said he was 422 years of age."--_Hull Daily + News_. + +Passed for centenarian duty. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk cart; to live + in."--_Provincial Paper_. + +He will at least have the advantage of living close to his work. + + * * * * * + + "THE BHAKTHI MARGA PRASANGA SABHA.--At Nagappa Chetty Pillayar + Vasantha Mantapam, 322 Thumbu Chetty Street, Georgetown, + to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi Chidambara Bhagavathar will + give a harikatha on 'Pittukkumansuman tha Thiruvilayadal.'" + --_Madras Paper_. + +We like the words and should be glad to hear the tune. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +(SECOND SERIES.) + +XII. + +CHERRY GARDENS. + + Where d'ye buy your earrings, + Your pretty bobbing earrings, + Where d'ye buy your earrings, + Moll and Sue and Nan? + In the Cherry Gardens + They sell 'em eight a penny, + And let you eat as many + As ever you can. + + Moll's are ruddy coral, + Sue's are glossy jet, + Nan's are yellow ivory, + Swinging on their stems. + O you lucky damsels + To get in Cherry Gardens + Earrings for your fardens + Comelier than gems! + + +XIII. + +NEWINGTON BUTTS. + + The bung is lost from Newington Butts! + The beer is running in all the ruts, + The gutters are swimming, the Butts are dry, + Lackadaisy! and so am I. + Who was the thief that stole the bung? + I shall go hopping the day he's hung! + + +XIV. + +NINE ELMS. + + Nine Elms in a ring: + In One I saw a Robin swing, + In Two a Peacock spread his tail, + In Three I heard the Nightingale, + In Four a White Owl hid with craft, + In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed, + In Six a Wood-dove croodled low, + In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow, + In Eight a million Starlings flew, + In Nine a Cuckoo said, "Cuckoo!" + + * * * * * + + "On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers + wanted."--_Manchester Evening News_. + +Are these the first-fruits of the new Food Control? + + * * * * * + +From battalion orders:-- + + "Men transferred from Command Depôt will be fed up to the day + of departure." + +Even commanding officers occasionally have a glimpse of the obvious. + + * * * * * + + "In expressing regret that we had dropped the word 'culture' + out of our vocabulary because of Germany, the Archdeacon of + Middlesex gave the following definitions:-- + + 'Kultur'--Had for 'Culture.'--A word its god the State, + and which describes a was practically spirit of sympathy + materialism, the result with all that is beaubeing + simply mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, and + pure."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Even now it is not very clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jan_ (_repeating the Question for the tenth time in +two hours_). "'AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, JARGE?" + +_Jarge_ (_answering the question for the tenth time in two hours_). +"NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR SOIDE?" + +_Jan_. "NOA. DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?" + +_Jarge_. "NOA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT SOIDE?" + +_Jan_. "NOA." + +_Jarge_. "THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."] + + * * * * * + +CHOKING THEM OFF. + +It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by the +railway companies with a view to "discourage unnecessary travelling" +prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more stringent character, +may be resorted to. By the courtesy of an official we are able to give +details of some further innovations that have been suggested. + +(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be specially +trained to answer all enquiries from civilian passengers in an +ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner. + +Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the correct form +of reply to such questions as, "Can I take this train to Rugby?" The +answer in this case will convey a jocular suggestion that the task is +best left to the engine-driver; and others in the same style. + +In all cases of urgency the formula "Wait and see" to be freely +employed for purposes of discouragement. + +(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as those to +Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to be struck off, +which will be disposed of by public auction to the highest bidder. + +(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) take place +between stations, preference to be given to the interior of tunnels. +All artificial light will then be cut off, and the officials of the +train will run up and down the corridors howling like wolves. + +(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller (as +"Margate") it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to reply, "I +double Margate"; when his opponent, the public, must either pay twice +the already increased fare or forfeit the journey. + +(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the station +refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised. A return to be made +to the more "discouraging" models of fifty years ago, which will +be specially manufactured under the supervision of the Ministry of +Munitions. + +(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places on +the company's service at present exhibited in the compartments to +be removed, and in place of them the frames to be filled with such +chastening subjects as "Marine Drive at Slushboro' on a Wet Evening," +"No Bathing To-day" (Bude), or "Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill +at the Hotel Superb, Shrimpville." It is felt that if this last item +does not cause people to stop at home nothing will. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE ZOO. + + Lieutenant-General Sir W.R. Robertson, Chief of the Imperial + General Staff, was unanimously elected an hon. member of + the Zoological Society of London at the December general + meeting."--_The Times_. + + * * * * * + + "By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be raised in the + courtyards of houses in Rome."--_Daily Express_. + +And we are now confidently expecting some "Lays of Modern Rome." + + * * * * * + + "£5 REWARD,--Lost, on November 28th, in Kensington, BLACK + ABERDEEN TERRIER, name 'Cinders' on collar, also Lt.-Col. + ---- and badge of S.W.B. Regiment.--Kindly return to Mrs. + ----."--_The Times_. + +Let us hope the Colonel at least has found his way home. + + * * * * * + +ULTIMUS. + + His shape was domed and his colour brown, + And I took him up and I get him down + In the lamp's full light, in the very front of it, + Ready and glad to bear the brunt of it; + And then, having raised my hand and blessed him, + I thus in appropriate words addressed him:-- + "Oh, soon to be numbered with the dead, + Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I said, + "Prepare to vanish this very day + And go to your doom the silent way. + For DEVONPORT's Lord will soon decree, + With his eye on you and his eye on me, + That you're only a useless luxury; + And, since the War on the whole continues, + We must tighten our belts and brace our sinews, + And give up the things we liked before, + And never, like _Oliver_, ask for more. + Since this is so and the War endures, + I am bound to abandon you and yours, + And wherever I meet you I must frown + On your sweet white core and your coat of brown. + But no, since you are the only one, + The last of a line that is spent and done, + I shall give myself pleasure once again + And set you free from a life of pain. + Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch you, + My lonely friend, and to crunch and munch you." + + So saying I smiled in a sort of dream + On my absolute ultimate chocolate-cream; + Then swiftly I reached my hand to get him + And popped him into my mouth and ate him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Burglar_. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT +THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS AT ALL FOR I +NEVER COULD SEE." + +_Second Burglar_. "COMB 'EM OUT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. COMB 'EM OUT."] + + * * * * * + +TACTICS. + +"Maman! à quel saint prie-t-on--" began Jeanne. Ah! but no, a +recollection flashed across her mind and was reinforced by other +memories. "J'en ai fini avec les saints," she mused, proceeding to +the other end of the room where, full of intention, she busied herself +among some books. Yes, she was now quite disillusioned; that latest +blow, on her recent tenth birthday, had confirmed finally her +long-growing suspicion--prayer to the saints was unavailing. + +After a time; "Maman, pour que Papa vienne en permission à qui faut-il +que l'on s'adresse?" + +"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais, ma fi-fille, tu sais...!" + +Jeanne, with an air of having something to decide for herself, paid +no heed, but resumed the study of her picture-book description of the +French Army, murmuring: "Un colonel--est-ce que c'est comme un saint, +ou bien est-ce que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-même?" + +Some moments of deep silence spent in intense study ended with a +triumphant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was exactly what she had wished +to discover, the very source of power. "'Les officiers attachés à un +général pour l'exécution et la transmission de ses ordres,'" re-read +Jeanne, and commented, "Et tout cela s'appelle l'_é-tat ma-jor_ du +général. Bon! c'est bien comme je le pensais; c'est le général qui est +à la tête de tout." + +Her course was now quite clear. She urged and encouraged herself: "Il +faut absolument que Papa vienne en permission. _Je--le--veux!_" And, +that her intentions might not be thwarted, absolute secrecy must +be maintained, at least in so far as the chapter relating to her +terrestrial tactics was concerned; no one would oppose intercession +_auprès du bon Dieu_. + +"Il faut m'adresser à tous les deux en même temps," pronounced Jeanne, +taking a sheet of note-paper. "J'écris directement au général" (since +time and space have to be allowed for in earthly negotiations, the +order must be thus)--"et je prie le bon Dieu en personne." That both +positions should be assailed simultaneously, operations must be +begun in this quarter in the morning, at the hour of the first postal +delivery. + +"Point de saints, ni de colonels--maintenant je +comprends--l'_é-tat-ma-jor_ dans l'Armée et les saints au Paradis, +c'est tout comme!" + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"PUSS IN NEW BOOTS." + +Five hours is a great space out of a man's life, but that was +precisely the time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to present his _Puss in +New Boots_, so that I had leisure to study the book of the words, sold +shamelessly to the unsuspecting (of whom I was not one), and compare +the rough sketches of our three standard authors of the Lane, Messrs. +COLLINS, SIMS and DIX with the version, by no manner of means final, +of the comedians. A pantomime book is on the whole rather a mournfully +unsubtle document. The thing is frankly not meant to be read when the +blood is cool. It is the Action, Action and again Action of such hefty +knock-abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE and STANLEY LUPINO that makes +the dry bones live and the old squibs crackle. And it is good fun to +watch the audience at their share of authorship, setting the seal of +their approval upon the happy wheeze, the well-contrived business, +and blue-pencilling with their silence the wash-out or the too obscure +allusion. + +[Illustration: DIANA OF THE LANE. + +_The Baroness_ ... Mr. ROBERT HALE.] + +The show is substantially new throughout--new songs, new scenery, new +japes, new acrobatics. A new Puss, too, as well as new boots; and, +without any reflection on little Miss LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an +adequate Puss of pantomime, we may regret Miss RENÉE MAYER. + +Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still delights the curious with her Swedish +exercises in alt, and makes a very pretty lady of high degree for a +pantomime marquis, who is no other than Miss MADGE TITHERADGE stepping +down from the "legitimate" and bringing an air and an elocution +unusual and admirable. She made her excellent speaking voice do duty +in recitative for song, and the innovation is not unpleasing. If it +be fair in frivolous public places to dig down to those thoughts that +better lie too deep for tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' _A Song of England_, +clear spoken by her with tenderness and spirit, is a better instrument +than most. + +Mr. HALE's _Baroness_ challenges comparison with Mr. GEORGE GRAVES's. +She is perhaps more womanly ("no ordinary" type), less grotesquely +irrelevant and profane--though she does her bit. On the other hand, +she is more active and less repetitive. When, the good fairy endowing +her with beauty, she appeared as DORIS KEANE in _Romance_, that was an +applauded stroke. And when she lied beneath the tree of truth and the +chestnuts fell each time truth was mishandled, thickest of all when +it was asserted that a certain Scotch comedian had refused his salary, +this was also very well received. On the whole, then, a satisfactory +Baroness. + +Mr. LUPINO (the miller's second son) is really an exquisite droll, +and I don't remember to have seen him in better form. He has some of +the authentic ingredients of the old circus clown--a very valuable +inheritance. + +Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to watch, always has that air of +enjoying himself immensely that is the readiest way to favour. He +seemed at times to be, as it were, looking wistfully for his old pal, +GRAVES; missed probably that companionable nose and those reliable +_da capos_ which give such opportunity for the manufacture of gags; +whereas Mr. HALE is a "thruster." But cooking the _recherché_ dinner +in the gas cooker that becomes a tank, and putting up the blind and +laying the carpet--here was the WILL EVANS that the children of all +ages applaud. + +I always find the Lane big scenes and ballets more full of competing +colour and restless movement than of controlled design. But the Hall +of Fantasy, with its spiral staircases reaching to the flies, was an +ambitious effort crowned with success. The dance of the eight tiny +zanies was the best of the ballet. The Shakspearean pageant at the end +might be (1) shortened, and (2) brightened by the characters throwing +a little more conviction into their respective aspects--notably the +ghost of _Hamlet's_ father. However, as a popular tercentenary tribute +to "our Shakspeare" the scheme is to be commended and was as such +approved. + +T. + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN. + + [The Executive of the German Sporting Clubs and Athletic + Associations have issued a manifesto expressing satisfaction + at the substitution of German for English words and phrases. + "German sport," it declares, "in future places itself + unreservedly on the side of those who would further German + Kultur. German Song and German Art will in future find a + home in German sport." This new patriotic programme has been + greatly applauded in the Press, the _Berliner Tageblatt_ + observing that the culture of soul and body must proceed + _pari passu_, with the result that "not only will the German + sportsman become a beautiful body, but a beautiful soul + as well. Every club must have its library, not filled with + sensational novels, but with works of art. And before all else + the club-house must be architecturally beautiful--an object + from which he may obtain spiritual edification."] + + The German is seldom amusing, + Since humour is hardly his forte, + But I've frequently smiled in perusing + His latest pronouncement on sport; + For it seems that he thinks it the duty + Of sportsmen to aim at the goal + Of adding to bodily beauty + A beauty of soul. + + They've made a good start by proscribing + All English and Anglicised terms, + To counter the risk of imbibing + Debased philological germs; + And they've coined a new wonderful lingo, + Which only a Teuton can talk, + Resembling the yelp of a dingo, + A cormorant's squawk. + + But in spite of his prowess Titanic, + His marvellous physical gift, + The soul of the athlete Germanic + Still clamours for moral uplift; + So we learn without any emotion + That, his ultimate aim to secure, + He must bathe in the bountiful ocean + Of German _Kultur_. + + In the process of character-building + Hun Art (_Simplicissimus_ brand), + With its _rococo_ carving and gilding, + Must ever advance hand in hand + With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring + And exquisite engine of Hate, + Whose efforts we've all been admiring + So largely of late. + + Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly, + The sportsman whom Germany needs + Will help to exterminate quickly + All weak and effeminate breeds; + And, trained in the gospel of BISSING, + Will cleave to the Hun decalogue + Which rivets the link, rarely missing, + 'Twixt him and the hog. + + * * * * * + + "Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex; under parlourmaid kept; Roman + Catholic and spectacles objected to." + +Our own preference is for a Plymouth Sister with _pince-nez_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook_ (_who, after interview with prospective +mistress, is going to think it over_). "'ULLO! PRAMBILATOR! IF YOU'D +TOLD ME YOU 'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME." + +_The Prospective Mistress_. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK THE PLACE WOULD +OTHERWISE SUIT YOU I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD THE CHILDREN OUT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our optimist +conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the creation of charming +people and her rare talent for making them alive. But I wonder if she +is not refining her brilliant technique to the point of occasional +obscurity of intention. At least I know I had to re-read a good +many passages to be quite sure what was in fact intended. An implied +compliment, no doubt; but are all readers so virtuous? ("or so dull?" +quoth she). _Hatchways_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is one of those happily +comfortable, just right houses with a hostess, _Ernestine_, whom +everybody loves and nobody (save her husband, and he not in this +book) makes love to. Holmer, on the other hand, is the adjoining ducal +mansion with a distinctly uncomfortable dowager still in command who +can't even arrange her dinner-parties and fails to marry her sons to +the right people. Perpetually Hatchways is wiping the eye of Holmer, +and this touches the nerve of the great lady. Her sons, _Wickford_, +the authentic but hardly reigning duke, and _Lord Iveagh Suir_, the +queer impressionable (on whom the author has spent much pains to +excellent effect), both take their troubles to _Ernestine_. And a +young French aviator (this is a pre-War story), guest at Hatchways, +analyses and discusses situations and characters from his coign of +privilege--a device adroitly handled by the discreet author, who adds +two charming girls, coquette _Lise_, _Iveagh's_ first love, and +wise, loyal, perceptive _Bess_, whom he found at last. To those who +appreciate subtle portraiture let me commend this study.... I feel +just as if I had been for a long week-end at Hatchways, anxiously +wondering, as I write my "roofer," if I shall be so lucky as to be +asked again. + + * * * * * + +I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me in calling +_The Flaming Sword_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) as noble and absorbing +a story of fine work finely done as any that the War has produced. +It is the history, told by herself, of Mrs. ST. CLAIR STOBART's Red +Cross Mission "in Serbia and Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEORGE +HANKIN's moving picture of _The Lady of the Black Horse_ (a name +always to be honoured among our Allies), catches the spirit of the +heroic tale and prepares you for what the _Lady_ herself has to tell. +Mrs. STOBART is no sentimentalist; fighting and the overcoming of +obstacles are, one would say, congenial to her mettle; time and again, +even in the midst of her story of the terrible retreat, with the +German guns ever thundering nearer, she can yet spare a moment to +strike shrewdly and hard for her own side in the other struggle +towards feminine emancipation which is always obviously close to +her heart. Certainly she has well earned the right to be heard with +respect. Read this high-spirited account of the difficulties--mud, +disease, prejudice, famine--through which the writer brought her +charge triumphantly to safety, and you will be inclined, with me, to +throw your critical cap into the air and thank Heaven for such women +of our race, which would be to invite, not unsuccessfully, some +withering snub from the very lady you were endeavouring to praise. +But that can't be helped. Meantime of her exploit and the book that +recounts it I can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian that I have +gleaned from its pages--_Dobro, Dobro!_ For a translation of which you +know where to apply. + + * * * * * + +So many battle books have been pouring from the press lately that +it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder still to find +something fresh to say of each; but _quot homines tot_ points of +individual interest, and for those whose concern lies more especially +with the New Zealand Forces and their campaigns I can very safely +recommend a volume which the official war correspondent to that +contingent and his son have jointly published under the title of +_Light and Shade in War_ (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM ROSS who +supplies the light, and Mr. NOEL ROSS the shade, or _vice versa_, we +are given no means of ascertaining. Between them they have certainly +put together an agreeable patchwork of small and easily read pieces, +most of which have already appeared in journalistic form. It is +perhaps parental prejudice that makes Mr. Punch consider the best of +the bunch to be "Abdul," one of three slight sketches that originally +saw the light in his own pages. _Abdul_ is a joy, also a thief, a +society entertainer, and a Cairo hospital orderly. I can only hope +that the story of how he displayed his patient's sun-browned knees as +a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, who were visiting the +hospital, is at least founded on fact. The publishers are entirely +justified in saying that these impressions, made often under actual +fire, have both colour and intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the +campaign for popular favour. + + * * * * * + +_François Villon, His Life and Times_ (HUTCHINSON) is one of those +fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long vacant corner. So far +as I know, with the exception perhaps of STEVENSON's study, there has +been no means by which the casual reader, as apart from the student, +could correct his probably very vague ideas about the Father of +Realism. Mr. H. DE VERE STACPOOLE, approaching the subject not for +the first time, here essays a brief life and appreciation of the poet, +told in picturesque but simple style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity +is apt to appear overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that the +story is being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. Apart +from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. STACPOOLE's vivid +reconstruction of mediæval France, and the Paris that sheltered VILLON +himself, TABARY, MONTIGNY and the others--that group of shadows whom +we see only by the lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries +pass before us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. Occasionally +indeed Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round the tapestry, even (one +might say) tears a hole in it and pushes his head through, with a +startling effect. But as he has always the good excuse of sympathy +with his subject one easily forgives him these generous impulses. As I +said before, a book that has had its place long reserved. + + * * * * * + +If you happen to remember that most excellent book, _Brother-in-Law +to Potts_, you may recall that the principal motive in it is the +spiritualising influence of a certain Lady Beautiful, very lightly +and even intangibly presented, on the lives of some other persons of +a more material clay. In _Obstacles_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. "PARRY +TRUSCOTT" has returned to her previous subject, but with the notable +difference that she now traces the influence brought in turn to bear +upon the lady herself, who emerges from her semi-divine obscurity to +become the heroine of the story. If in her background sketch of the +munitions factory where _Susannah_ elects to work the writer does not +trouble much about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any +particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or shell bodies, +yet she does convey, with striking simplicity and naturalness, the +impression of a world at war, and for the rest she is content to bring +her heroine in contact with the lives that are to affect her and the +environment of comparative poverty that is to help her to a decision. +What that decision was, and how unnecessary too, is sufficiently +indicated if I say that she was blessed with most understanding +parents, who positively preferred that her suitor should be a poor +man. And so the happy future that surely no authoress and most +certainly no male reader could have the heart to refuse to so +delightful a _Susannah_ is available to complete a picture touched +throughout with singular grace and charm. In particular the little +snap-shots of two ideal family households, the one that includes the +heroine, and another, much humbler, which she enters as an honoured +guest, go to make this volume, all too short though it is, one that I +can recommend with quite unusual pleasure and confidence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waitress_. "NO, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT 'AS NO REASON +TO THINK THAT LORD DEVONPORT REGARDS BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS _TWO_ +COURSES."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITIZEN SOLDIERS. + + "Lord George H. Cholmondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse + Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor in + that Territorial Corps."--_Cheshire Observer_. + +We congratulate His Worship and also the Hotts. + + * * * * * + + "The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (as well + as the choir) are invited to sit on the orchestra."--_Western + Morning News_. + +We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best. + + * * * * * + + "WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large stock. + Please state size required, and we will quote best cash + terms."--_Irish Paper_. + +An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman whose +speciality is "Families Supplied." + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, January 3, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 *** |