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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13903-0.txt b/13903-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b49e1a --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1637 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +January 3, 1917. + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. Clii.] + + * * * * * + +MORE DISCIPLINE. + +"Yes, Sir," said Sergeant Wally, accepting one of my cigarettes and +readjusting his wounded leg,--"yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. +It's only when a man moves on the word o' command, without waiting to +think, that he becomes a really reliable soldier. I remember, when +I was a recruit, how they put us through it. I'd been on the square +about a week. I was a fairly smart youngster, and I thought I was +jumping to it just like an old soldier, when the drill sergeant called +me out of the ranks. Look 'ere,' he said, 'if you think you're going +to make a fool o' me, standing about there till you choose to obey +the word o' command, you've made a big mistake.' I could 'a' cried at +the time, but I've been glad often enough since for what the sergeant +said that day. I've found that little bit of gag useful myself many a +time." + +I was meditating with sympathy upon the many victims of Sergeant +Wally's borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again. + +"When I first came up to London from the depôt," he said, "I'd a +brother, a corporal in the same battalion. You know as well as I do, +Sir, that as a matter o' discipline a corporal doesn't have any truck +with a private soldier, excepting in the way of duties, and my brother +didn't speak to me for the first week. Then one day he called me up +and said, 'It ain't the thing for me to be going about with you, but +as you're my brother I'll go out with you to-night. Have yourself +cleaned by six o'clock.' + +"Well, I took all the money I'd got--about twelve bob--and off we +went. + +"We had a bit o' supper first at a place my brother knew of, and a +very good supper it was. My brother ordered it, but I paid. Then we +got a couple of cigars--at least, I did. Then we went to a music-hall, +me paying, of course. We had a drink during the evening, and when we +came out my brother said, 'We'd better come in here and have a snack.' + +"'Well, I ain't got any money left,' I sez. My brother looked at me +a minute, and then he said, 'I don't know what I've been thinking of, +going about with you, you a private and me a corporal. Be off 'ome !' +And he stalks away. + +"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. Thank you, I'll have another +cigarette." + + * * * * * + +SIMPLER FASHIONS IN INDIA. + + "The bride, who was given away by her father, looked happy and + handsome in a beautiful red fern dress."--_Allahabad Pioneer_. + + * * * * * + +TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR. + + Now with the New-born Year, when people issue + Greetings appropriate to all concerned, + Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you + Whatever peace of mind you may have earned; + It doesn't sound too fat, + But you will have to be content with that. + + For you will get no other, though you ask it; + No peace on diplomatic folios writ, + Like what you chucked in your waste-treaty-basket, + Torn into fragments, bit by little bit; + In these rude times we shrink + From vain expenditure of pulp and ink. + + You hoped to start a further scrap of paper + And stretched a flattering paw in soft appeal, + Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr + With velvet padding round your claws of steel; + A pretty piece of acting, + But, ere we treat, those claws'll want extracting. + + You thought that you had just to moot the question + And say you felt the closing hour had come + And we should simply jump at your suggestion + And all the Hague with overtures would hum; + You'd but to call her up, + And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup. + + But Peace and War are twain (see _Chadband's_ platitude); + War you could summon by your single self, + But Peace--for she adopts a stickier attitude-- + Takes two to mobilise her off the shelf; + Unless one side's so weak + That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak. + + When things are thus and you have had your beating, + We'll talk and you can listen. Better cheer + I've none to offer you by way of greeting, + But this should help you through the glad New Year; + It lacks for grace, I own, + But let its true sincerity atone! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +AN EXTRA SPECIAL. + +A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in moderation. +I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I expect to be moderately +bored. In fact a partner who flashed through all the four hours might +attract Zeppelins. But Granby! In human endurance there is a point +known as the limit. That is Granby. + +Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity made Granby +a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense their wisdom into +sentences. Granby beats out his limited store into orations. + +It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other night +and to find that the other specials had craftily left Granby to be my +partner. The results of unpunctuality are sometimes hideous. + +Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I may +describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the court the +other day a very curious case came before me." He was off. If Granby +delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches he recites to me the +Government ought to intervene. No man however guilty ought to have a +sentence _and_ one of Granby's orations. He might be given the option. +Personally, for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to +serve the sentence. + +Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable treble voice +down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires Burning." "Sounds +like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to investigate this." Had it +been a couple of armed burglars I should have welcomed their advent if +it stopped Granby. + +We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the pavement warbling +Songs Without Melody. + +"Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was turned on her. + +"A distinct case of intoxication _plus_ incapability," observed +Granby. "We must take her to the station. You can charge her. I have +so many important engagements this week that I can't spare time to be +a witness." + +I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to be thrust on +me. + +"I also have many important engagements this week," I replied. + +"This duty is to be taken seriously--" began Granby. + +"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see her home. She +can't stay here rousing the street." + +"That was what I was about to suggest as the proper course for +you when you interrupted me," said Granby. "Where do you live?" he +demanded. + +"Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore Uncle Sam's +been dead eleven years." + +"Come on," I said. "Get up and we'll see you home." + +The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and said +affectionately, "'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim in 'is best days +afore 'e got jugged!" + +Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think he knew that I +was smiling in the darkness. + +"Jus' like ole times, when we was courtin' together," continued the +lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze-topped barmaid comin' between +us, what might 'ave been! ah, what might 'ave been!" + +This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing, "Come to me, sweet +Marie," with incidental attempts at a step-dance. The _finale_ brought +us to Benbow Avenue. + +"I shall speak to her husband and caution him severely about his +wife's conduct," said Granby to me. + +I shrank into the background ready to move off directly the oration +began. + +Granby knocked at the door and it opened. + +"I have brought your wife home in a state--" he began. + +"Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk while you've been +sitting guzzling by the fire?" + +"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the indignant husband. + +"I am a magistrate and a special constable--" began Granby. + +"More shame to you. It's the likes of you 'oo disgraces the upper +clarses." + +"Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. "Don't lower yourself by talking +to 'im. I never could abide a man as smelt o' gin meself." + +The door slammed and Granby strode towards me. + +"The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I am tempted to +despair of the State when I think of it. The only way is to let these +occurrences pass into oblivion, to set oneself resolutely to forget +them as if they had never been." + +I agreed; but since then Granby has always eyed me curiously. I think +he suspects that I am not forgetting resolutely enough. + + * * * * * + +A Field Officer writes: "Yesterday I was saluted by an Australian +private. It was a great day for me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY. + +UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiast_. "AS A PATRIOT, MADAM, WILL YOU SIGN THE +ROLL OF HONOUR OF 'THE NO-SUPERFLUOUS-TRAVEL-BUT-GIVE-UP-YOUR-SEATS- +TO-SOLDIERS-AND-SAILORS-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE LEAGUE'?"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LIV. + +My Dear Charles,--What about this Peace? I suppose that, what with +your nice new Governments and all, this is the very last thing you +are thinking of making at the moment. I wouldn't believe that the old +War was ever going to end at all if it wasn't for the last expert and +authoritative opinion I hear has been expressed by our elderly barber +in Fleet Street. At the end of July, 1914, he told me confidentially, +as he snipped the short hairs at the back of my head, that there was +going to be no war; the whole thing was just going to fizzle out. Now +he says it is going to be a very, very long business, as he always +thought it would. + +I find it difficult to maintain consistently either the detached point +of view, in which one discusses it as if it was a European hand of +bridge, or the purely interested point of view, in which one regards +it only as a matter affecting one's individual comfort. I know a Mess, +well up in the Front where they measure the mud by feet, in which +they were discussing the War raging at their front door as if it had +nothing to do with them beyond being a convenient thing to criticise. +Men who were then likely to be personally removed at any moment by +it saw nothing in the progress of it to be depressed about. As the +evening wore on and they all came to find that they knew much more +about the subject than they supposed, they were prepared to increase +the allowance of casualties in pressing the merits of their own pet +schemes. No gloom arose from the possibility that this generous offer +might well include their own health and limbs. There was no gloom; +there was even no desire to change the subject. Indeed, the better to +continue it they called for something to drink. There was nothing to +drink, announced the Mess Orderly. Why was there nothing to drink? +asked the Mess President, advocate of enormous offensives on a wide +front for an indefinite period of years, if need be. The Mess Orderly +explained that more drink was on order, it had not arrived because +of difficulties of carriage. Why were there difficulties of carriage? +Because of the War. "Confound the War," said the Mess President. "It +really is the most infernal nuisance." + +I know a Captain Jones, resident a cottage on the road to the +trenches (he calls this cottage his "Battle Box"), whose mind was very +violently moved from the impersonal to the personal point of view by a +quite trifling incident. He has one upstairs room for office, bedroom, +sitting, reception and dining room. His meals are brought over to +him by his servant from an estaminet across the road over which his +window looks. The other morning he was standing at this window waiting +for his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine frosty day, made all the +brighter by the sound of approaching bagpipes. Troops were about to +march past, suggesting great national thoughts to Jones and reminding +him of the familiar details of his own more active days. Jones +prepared to enjoy himself. + +Colonels on horses, thought Jones as he contemplated, are much of a +muchness--always the look of the sahib about them, the slightly +proud, the slightly stuffy, the slightly weather-beaten, the slightly +affluent sahib. Company Commanders, also on horses, but somehow or +other not quite so much on horses as the Colonels, are the same +all the army through--very confident of themselves, but hoping +against hope that there is nothing about their companies to catch +the Adjutant's eye. The Subaltern walks as he has always done, +lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that all is as it should be, but +feeling that if it isn't that is some one else's trouble. Sergeants, +Corporals, Lance-corporals and men have not altered. The Sergeants +relax on the march into something almost bordering on friendliness +towards their victims; the Corporals thank Heaven that for the moment +they are but men; the Lance-corporals thank Heaven that always they +are something more than men, and the men have the look of having +decided that this is the last kilometre they'll ever footslog for +anybody, but while they are doing it they might as well be cheerful +about it. The regimental transport makes a change from the regularity +of column of route, and the comic relief is provided, as it has always +been and always will be provided whatever the disciplinary martinets +may say or do, by the company cooks. + +This was a sight, thought Jones, he could watch for ever. He was sorry +when the battalion came at last to an end; he was glad when another +almost immediately began. He was in luck; doubtless this was a brigade +on the move. He proposed to have his breakfast at the window, when +it came as come it soon must, thus refreshing his hungry body and +his contemplative mind at the same time. The second battalion, as the +first, were fine fellows all, suggesting the might of the Allies and +the futility of the enemy's protracted resistance. Again the comic +relief was provided by the travelling cuisine, reminding Jones of the +oddity of human affairs and the need of his own meal, now sufficiently +deferred. + +The progress of the Brigade was interrupted by the intervention of +a train of motor transport. Jones spent the time of its passing in +consulting his watch, wondering where the devil was his breakfast and +ascertaining that his servant had indeed gone across the road for it +at least forty minutes ago. + +It was not until there came a break, after the first company of the +third battalion, that the reason of this delay became apparent. +There was his servant on the far side of the road, and there was his +breakfast in the servant's hand, all standing to attention, as they +should do when a column of troops was passing.... + +The remainder of that Brigade suggested no agreeable thoughts to +Captain Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in the whole and nothing +attractive in any detail of it. It was in fact just a long and +tiresome sequence of monotonous and sheeplike individuals who really +might have chosen some other time and place for their silly walks +abroad. And as for the spirit of discipline exemplified in the +servant, who scrupled to defy red tape and slip through at a +convenient interval, this was nothing else but the maddening +ineptitude of all human conceits. + +A wonderful servant is that servant of Captain Jones; but then they +all are. Valet, cook, porter, boots, chambermaid, ostler, carpenter, +upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, needlewoman, coal-heaver, diplomat, +barber, linguist (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete +pantechnicon and infallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very +old soldier, and a man of the most human kind. Jones came across him +in the earlier stages of the War, not in England and not in France. +The selection wasn't after the usual manner or upon the usual +references. He recommended himself to Jones by the following +incident:-- + +A new regiment had come to the station; between them and the old +regiment, later to become the firmest friends, some little difference +of opinion had arisen and, upon the first meeting of representative +elements in the neighbouring town, there had been words. Reports, +as they reached Jones at the barracks some four miles from the town, +hinted at something more than words still continuing. Jones, having +reason to anticipate sequels on the morrow, took the precaution of +going round his company quarters then, and there, to find which of his +men, if any, were not involved. "There's a fair scrap up in town," he +heard a man saying. As he entered, a second man was sitting up in bed +and asking, "Dost thou think it will be going on yet?" Hoping for the +best, he was for rising, dressing, walking four miles and joining in. + +Jones stopped his enterprise that night, but engaged him for servant +next day. I don't know why, nor does he; but he was right all the +same. Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _M.O._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MY MAN?" + +_Private_. "VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HEART, SIR." + +_M.O._ "MY WORD! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?" + +_Private_. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, SIR."] + + * * * * * + + "Will anyone knowing where to obtain the game of 'Bounce' + kindly inform A.T.?"--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +"A.T." should address himself to the Imperial Palace at Potsdam. + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS. + +(_SUGGESTED BY AN OFFICIAL NOTICE OF THE L. & N.W.R._) + + The whole vicinity of Hooley Hill + Is smitten with a devastating chill, + And the once cheerful neighbourhood of Pleck + Has got the hump and got it in the neck. + The residential gentry of Pont Rug + No longer seem self-satisfied or smug, + And the distressed inhabitants of Nantlle + Are wrapped in discontent as in a mantle. + Good folk who Halted once at Apsley Guise + Are now afflicted with a sad surprise, + While Oddington, another famous Halt, + Is silent as a sad funereal vault; + And the dejected denizens of Cheadle + Look one and all as if they'd got the needle. + + * * * * * + +AN UNFORTUNATE JUXTAPOSITION. + + "Dr. ---- has RESUMED PRACTICE. + + ---- AND ----, UNDERTAKERS." + +_West Australian_. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to President WILSON Germany also claims to be fighting for +the freedom of the smaller nations. Her known anxiety to free the +small nations of South America from the fetters of the Monroe Doctrine +has impressed the PRESIDENT with the correctness of this claim. + + *** + +Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has gone and given away the secret that +Germany does not care a rap for the rights of the little nations. It +is this kind of blundering that sours your transatlantic diplomatist. + + *** + +General JOFFRE has been made a Marshal of France. While falling short +of the absolute omnipotence of London's Provost-Marshal the position +is not without a certain dignity. + + *** + +The announcement that the Queen of HUNGARY's coronation robe is to +cost over £2,000 has had a distinctly unpleasant effect upon the +German people, who are wondering indignantly how Belgium is to be +indemnified if such extravagance is permitted to continue. + + *** + +It is stated that as the result of the drastic changes in our railway +service the publication of _Bradshaw's Guide_ may be delayed. At a +time when it is of vital importance to keep up the spirits of the +nation the absence of one of our best known humorous publications will +be sorely felt. + + *** + +The failure of King CONSTANTINE to join with other neutrals in urging +peace on the belligerents must not be taken as indicating that he is +out of sympathy with the German effort. + + *** + +The County Council has after mature deliberation decided to set aside +ten acres of waste land for cultivation by allotment holders. It is +this ability to think in huge figures that distinguishes the municipal +from the purely individual patriot. + + *** + +In anticipation of a Peace Conference German agents at the Hague have +been making discreet inquiries after lodgings for German delegates. +The latter have expressed a strong preference for getting in on the +ground floor. + + *** + +The weighing of a recruit could not be completed at Mill Hill, as the +scales did not go beyond seventeen stone, and indignation has been +expressed in some quarters at the failure of the official mind to +adopt the simple expedient of weighing as much as they could of him +and then weighing the rest at a second or, if necessary, a third +attempt. + + *** + +It is rumoured that tradesmen's weekly books are to be abolished. We +have long felt that the absurd practice of paying the fellows is a +relic of the dark ages. + + *** + +The statement of a writer in a morning paper that Wednesday night's +fog "tasted like Stilton cheese" has attracted the attention of the +Food Controller, who is having an analysis made with the view of +determining its suitability for civilian rations. We assume that it +would rank as cheese and not count in the calculation of courses. + + *** + +Austria has forbidden the importation of champagne, caviare and +oysters, and now that the horrors of war have thus been thoroughly +brought home to the populace it is expected that public opinion in the +Dual Monarchy will shortly force the EMPEROR to make overtures to the +Allies for a separate peace. + + *** + +As a protest against being fined, a Tottenham man has stopped his +War Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after a series of prolonged +discussions with Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. BONAR LAW has decided +that the War can go on, subject to the early introduction of certain +economies. + + *** + +The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given permission to his tenants to trap +rabbits on the ducal estates. It is hoped that a taste of real sport +will cause many of the local residents, though above military age, to +volunteer for similar work on the West Front. + + *** + +The prisons in Berlin are said to be full of women who have offended +against the Food Laws, and in consequence of this many deserving +criminals are homeless. + + *** + +A party of American literary and scientific gentlemen have obtained +permission to visit Egypt on a mission of research. In view of the +American craze for souvenir-hunting it is anticipated that a special +guard will be mounted over the Pyramids. + + * * * * * + + "'I am being overwhelmed with letters offering services from + all and sundry,' Mr. Chamberlain said yesterday. + + 'As I haven't even appointed a private secretary at present,' + he added, 'it is obviously impossible for me even to open + them.'"--_Daily Sketch_. + + +We suppose the Censor must have told him what they were about. + + * * * * * + +MUSCAT. + + An ancient castle crowns the hill + That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay, + Where, in the spacious days of old, + Stout ALBUQUERQUE set his hold + Dealing in slaves and silks and gold + From Hormuz to Cathay. + + The Dom has passed, the Arab rules; + Yet still there fronts the morning light + Erect upon the crumbling wall + The mast of some great Amiral, + A trophy of the Portingall + In some forgotten fight. + + The wind blows damp, the sun shines hot, + And ever on the Eastern shore, + Faint envoys from the far monsoon, + There in the gap the breakers croon + Their old unchanging rhythmic rune + (The noise is such a bore). + + And week by week to climb that hill + The SULTAN sends some sweating knave + To scan the misty deep and hail + With hoisted nag the smoky trail + That means (hurrah!) the English mail, + So we still rule the wave! + + Hurrah!--and yet what tales of woe! + My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks, + The long-drawn agony of strife, + The daily toll of precious life, + And a sad screed from my poor wife + Of babes with chicken-pox. + + All this it brings--yet brings therewith + That which may help us bear and grin. + "Boy, when you hear the boat's keel scrunch, + Ask the mail officer to lunch; + But give me time to peep at _Punch_ + Before you let him in." + + * * * * * + +LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS. + +THE TAXI-MEN. + +What (writes a returned traveller) has happened to London's +taxi-drivers? When I went away, not more than three months ago, they +occasionally stopped when they were hailed and were not invariably +unwilling to convey one hither and there. But now ... With flags +defiantly up, they move disdainfully along, and no one can lure them +aside. Where on these occasions are they going? How do they make a +living if the flag never comes down? Are they always on their way +to lunch, even late at night? Are they always out of petrol? I can +understand and admire the independence that follows upon overwork; +but when was their overwork done? The only tenable theory that I have +evolved is that Lord NORTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise to absolutism +is another phenomenon of my absence) has engaged them all to patrol +the streets in his service. + +Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver, breaking free from this bondage, +answers a hail; but even then all is not necessarily easy. This is the +kind of thing:-- + +_You_. I want to go to Bedford Gardens. + +_The Sunbeam_ (_indignantly_). Where's that? + +_You_. In Kensington. + +_The Sunbeam_. That's too far. I've got another job at half-past four +(_or_ My petrol's run out). + +_You_. If I gave you an extra shilling could you just manage it? + +_The Sunbeam_ (_scowling_). All right. Jump in. + +This that follows also happens so frequently as to be practically the +rule and not the exception:-- + +_You_. 12, Lexham Gardens. + +_The Sunbeam_. 12, Leicester Gardens. + +_You_. No; LEXHAM. + +_The Sunbeam_. 12, Lexham Road? + +_You_ (_shouting_). No; Lexham GARDENS! + +_The Sunbeam_. What number? + +_You_. TWELVE! + +To illustrate the power that the taxi-driver has been wielding over +London during the past week or so of mitigated festivity, let me tell +a true story. I was in a cab with my old friend Mark, one of the most +ferocious sticklers for efficiency in underlings who ever sent for the +manager. His maledictions on bad waiters have led to the compulsory +re-decorating of half the restaurants of London months before their +time, simply by discolouring the walls with their intensity. Well, +after immense difficulty, Mark and I, bound for the West, induced a +driver to accept us as his fare, and took our places inside. + +"He looks a decent capable fellow," said Mark, who prides himself on +his skill in physiognomy. "We ought to be there in a quarter of an +hour." + +But we did not start. First the engine was cold. Then, that having +consented and the flag being lowered, a fellow-driver asked our man to +help him with his tail-light. He did so with the utmost friendliness +and deliberation. Then they both went to the back of our cab to see +how our tail-light was doing, and talked about tail-lights together, +and how easy it was to jolt them out, and how difficult it was to know +whether they had been jolted out or not, and how jolly careful one had +to be nowadays with so many blooming regulations and restrictions and +things. + +Meanwhile Mark was becoming purple with suppressed rage, for the clock +was ticking and all this wasted time should, in a decently-managed +world, have belonged to us. But he dared not let himself go. It was +a pitiful sight--this strong man repressing impulse. At any moment +I expected to see him dash his arm through the window and tell the +driver what he thought of him; but he did not. He did nothing; but I +could hear his blood boil. + +Then at last our man mounted the box, and just at that moment (this is +an absolutely true story) it chanced that an errand-boy asked him the +way to Panton Street, and he got down from the box and walked quite a +little way with the boy to show him. And while he was away the engine +stopped. It was then that poor Mark performed one of the most heroic +feats of his life. He still sat still; but I seemed to see his hat +rising and falling, as did the lid of WATT's kettle on that historic +evening which led to so much railway trouble, from strikes and +sandwiches to _Bradshaw_. Still he said nothing. Nor did he speak +until the engine had been started again and we were really on our way +and thoroughly late. "If it had only been in normal times," he said +grimly, "how I should have let that man have it. But one simply +mustn't. It's terrible, but they've got us by the short hairs!" + +No doubt of that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_to maid who has asked for a rise_). "WHY, +MARY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH AS THAT." + +_Mary_. "WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK OUT WITH HAS JUST +GOT A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I SHALL BE OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO +HIM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gretchen_. "WILL IT NEVER END? THINK OF OUR AWFUL +RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY." + +_Hans_. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY MEAL."] + + * * * * * + +WARS OF THE PAST. + +(_AS RECORDED IN THE PRESS OF THE PERIOD._) + +V. + +_FROM "THE PIRÆUS PICTORIAL."_ + +GET A MOVE ON. + +_BY MR. DEMOSTHENES._ + + [_The brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who has been aptly + styled "the leading light of the democracy," contributes what + is perhaps the most wonderful and powerful article which we + have had the pleasure of publishing from his trenchant pen._] + +Words won't do it, my friends. We don't want speeches. We want +_action_. I ask you to give the Buskers socks. Kick this Chorus of +Five Hundred out of the orchestra. Ostrichise the Government! Give +them the bird! + +If I read my countrymen aright (and who does if I don't?), what they +are saying now is, "We must have a definite plan of strong action. +We are not going to fight any longer with speeches and despatches." +That's the way, Athenians! Good luck to you! Zeus bless you. And the +same to you, Tommy Hoplites and Jack Nautes, and many of them! _You_ +don't mean PHILIP to be Tyrant of Athens, do you? _You_'re not going +to have him turning our beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry stable? +_You_'re not going to see the Barbarians hanging up their shields +on the dear old statue of Athene. Of course you're not. When I walk +through the city and see, as I pass the houses of my humbler brethren, +the neat respectable little altars and the good old well-used +wine-presses (which I never do without breathing a little prayer, +uncantingly, straight from the heart), I say, "It's a foul calumny to +pretend that the people are not all right. They are, Zeus bless 'em! +All they are waiting for is a lead. And action!" + +We've got to have a strong policy, my friends, and my tip to you +is--"Trust the Army! Curse the politicians!" It's no use sitting +still while ÆSCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You and I, my brothers and +sisters, as I'm proud to call you, _we_ don't spout, do we? We mean +business! _And PHILIP means business too_! At any moment he may come +down on us and devastate our quiet picturesque little demes which we +all love so well and get disgustingly drunk on _our_ wine. So give +us the word, ÆSCHINES AND Co.--not many words, please, but just _one_ +word--and we'll tackle him as he ought to be tackled and put a pinch +of Attic salt on his tail. We don't want _this_ PHILIP, but we _do_ +want a fillip of our own. Meanwhile, are we downhearted? I _don't_ +think. + +(_Another powerful philippic by Mr. Demosthenes next week._) + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO DO WITH OUR PRISONERS. + + "Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 Germans; + limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds military + hospital."--_Bazaar_. + + * * * * * + + "The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer _Spyros_ lacks + confirmation."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We always had our doubts about the report. + + * * * * * + + "Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with the + goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely recognized + that it was bad policy to kill him."--_G.B. Shaw in "The + Times_." + +Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away from the +sex-problem. + + * * * * * + +FREMDENBLATT.--Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day that the +Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they rejected Germany's +terms."--_Daily Paper_. + +But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a sling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK. + +BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE.] + + * * * * * + +HIS MASTER'S VOICE. + +FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION. + + I am the White House typewriter! + I am the Voice of the People + And then some! + I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends, + All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN, + Who has a megaphone of his own. + I am the soul of a great free people! + Hence the _vers libre_ + Which breathes the spirit of Democracy + Because anybody can do it. + + Who secured a second term of office for my master, President WILSON? + Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General HARRISON GRAY OTIS? + It was not. + It was I! + Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS. + + I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel HOUSE and nearly as + useless as Senator WORKS, + But as my master only works me with one thumb + (For fear of saying something that might have to be explained away) + I do very nicely. + And when it comes to throwing the bull + I am the real Peruvian doughnuts. + + I was new once, but obscure, + Wasting my freshness on a _Life of Jefferson_ (extinct) + And a _History of the United States_, + Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and the MCCLURE Syndicate + Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back page of provincial + newspapers + Along with _Dainty Diapers_ and _Why I Love the Movies_, by MARY + PICKFORD. + + I am the Defender of Liberties! + Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it again; + Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms when the British + Navy threatened to interfere with business. + Next to Mr. LANSING, + Who is said to use a Blickensderfer, + I am the hottest little protester in Protestville, + And in consequence nobody loves me, + Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM RANDOLPH + HEARST; + Nor even _The Spectator_, + Which never did like Democrats, anyway. + + But now I am the Harbinger of Peace + By special request. + Imperial Germany, + Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled potatoes, + Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter annihilation, + And the prayer is echoed + By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals. + So my keys tap out the glad message + Of friendship for all and trouble for none. + + I ask them what they are fighting about, + And if it is really true that Belgium has been invaded, + And propose that we should all get together and talk it over + Nice and quietly over tea and muffins + And away from all the nasty blood and noise. + + Thus I address them, + And humane Germany + Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply with my request; + But the stiff-necked Entente, + With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the LINCOLN person at his + worst, + Merely utter joint and several sentiments + The substance and effect of which appear to be + "Nix!" + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bill_ (_coming to after a shell has hit his dug-out_). +"HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?" + +_William_. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL." + +_Bill_. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' WILLIAM?" + +_William_. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL." + +_Bill_. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT SNOW OR DAISIES?"] + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY REGRET. + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +Once upon a time a man lay dying. + +He was dying very much at his ease, for he had had enough of it all. + +None the less they brought a priest, who stretched his face a yard +long and spoke from his elastic-sided boots. + +"This is a solemn moment," said the priest. "But sooner or later it +comes to us all. You are fortunate in having all your faculties." + +The dying man smiled grimly. + +"Is there any wrong that you have done that you wish redressed?" the +priest asked. + +"None that I can remember," said the dying man. + +"But you are sorry for such wrong as you have done?" + +"I don't know that I am," said the dying man. "I was a very poor hand +at doing wrong. But there are some so-called good deeds that I could +wish undone which are still bearing evil fruit." + +The priest looked pained. "But you would not hold that you have not +been wicked?" he said. + +"Not conspicuously enough to worry about," replied the other. "Most of +my excursions into what you would call wickedness were merely attempts +to learn more about this wonderful world into which we are projected. +It's largely a matter of temperament, and I've been more attracted by +the gentle things than the desperate. Strange as you may think it, I +die without fear." + +"But surely there are matters for regret in your life?" the priest, +who was a conscientious man, inquired earnestly. + +"Ah!" said the dying man. "Regret? That's another matter. Have I no +occasion for regret? Have I not? Have I not?" + +The priest cheered up. "For opportunities lost," he said. "The lost +opportunities--how sad a theme, how melancholy a retrospect! Tell me +of them." + +"I said nothing about lost opportunities," the dying man replied; "I +said that there was much to regret, and there is; but there were no +opportunities that in this particular I neglected. They simply did not +present themselves often enough." + +"Tell me of this sorrow," said the priest. "Perhaps I may be able to +comfort you." + +The dying man again smiled his grim smile. "My greatest regret," he +said, "and one, unhappily, that could never be remedied, even if I +lived to be a thousand, is--" + +"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning nearer. + +"Is," said the dying man, "that I have known so few children." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_for the second time, after officer has +answered "Friend," and come up close_). "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Officer._ "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?" + +_Sentry._ "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIR, I'M SURE. I'M A STRANGER HERE +MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +"ABSENTEE ARRESTED. + + Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shann on a lighter in the + Old Harbour. He failed to produce his registration card and + could offer no reason why he had not reported for service. + Subsequently he said he was 422 years of age."--_Hull Daily + News_. + +Passed for centenarian duty. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk cart; to live + in."--_Provincial Paper_. + +He will at least have the advantage of living close to his work. + + * * * * * + + "THE BHAKTHI MARGA PRASANGA SABHA.--At Nagappa Chetty Pillayar + Vasantha Mantapam, 322 Thumbu Chetty Street, Georgetown, + to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi Chidambara Bhagavathar will + give a harikatha on 'Pittukkumansuman tha Thiruvilayadal.'" + --_Madras Paper_. + +We like the words and should be glad to hear the tune. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +(SECOND SERIES.) + +XII. + +CHERRY GARDENS. + + Where d'ye buy your earrings, + Your pretty bobbing earrings, + Where d'ye buy your earrings, + Moll and Sue and Nan? + In the Cherry Gardens + They sell 'em eight a penny, + And let you eat as many + As ever you can. + + Moll's are ruddy coral, + Sue's are glossy jet, + Nan's are yellow ivory, + Swinging on their stems. + O you lucky damsels + To get in Cherry Gardens + Earrings for your fardens + Comelier than gems! + + +XIII. + +NEWINGTON BUTTS. + + The bung is lost from Newington Butts! + The beer is running in all the ruts, + The gutters are swimming, the Butts are dry, + Lackadaisy! and so am I. + Who was the thief that stole the bung? + I shall go hopping the day he's hung! + + +XIV. + +NINE ELMS. + + Nine Elms in a ring: + In One I saw a Robin swing, + In Two a Peacock spread his tail, + In Three I heard the Nightingale, + In Four a White Owl hid with craft, + In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed, + In Six a Wood-dove croodled low, + In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow, + In Eight a million Starlings flew, + In Nine a Cuckoo said, "Cuckoo!" + + * * * * * + + "On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers + wanted."--_Manchester Evening News_. + +Are these the first-fruits of the new Food Control? + + * * * * * + +From battalion orders:-- + + "Men transferred from Command Depôt will be fed up to the day + of departure." + +Even commanding officers occasionally have a glimpse of the obvious. + + * * * * * + + "In expressing regret that we had dropped the word 'culture' + out of our vocabulary because of Germany, the Archdeacon of + Middlesex gave the following definitions:-- + + 'Kultur'--Had for 'Culture.'--A word its god the State, + and which describes a was practically spirit of sympathy + materialism, the result with all that is beaubeing + simply mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, and + pure."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Even now it is not very clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jan_ (_repeating the Question for the tenth time in +two hours_). "'AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, JARGE?" + +_Jarge_ (_answering the question for the tenth time in two hours_). +"NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR SOIDE?" + +_Jan_. "NOA. DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?" + +_Jarge_. "NOA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT SOIDE?" + +_Jan_. "NOA." + +_Jarge_. "THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."] + + * * * * * + +CHOKING THEM OFF. + +It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by the +railway companies with a view to "discourage unnecessary travelling" +prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more stringent character, +may be resorted to. By the courtesy of an official we are able to give +details of some further innovations that have been suggested. + +(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be specially +trained to answer all enquiries from civilian passengers in an +ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner. + +Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the correct form +of reply to such questions as, "Can I take this train to Rugby?" The +answer in this case will convey a jocular suggestion that the task is +best left to the engine-driver; and others in the same style. + +In all cases of urgency the formula "Wait and see" to be freely +employed for purposes of discouragement. + +(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as those to +Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to be struck off, +which will be disposed of by public auction to the highest bidder. + +(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) take place +between stations, preference to be given to the interior of tunnels. +All artificial light will then be cut off, and the officials of the +train will run up and down the corridors howling like wolves. + +(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller (as +"Margate") it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to reply, "I +double Margate"; when his opponent, the public, must either pay twice +the already increased fare or forfeit the journey. + +(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the station +refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised. A return to be made +to the more "discouraging" models of fifty years ago, which will +be specially manufactured under the supervision of the Ministry of +Munitions. + +(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places on +the company's service at present exhibited in the compartments to +be removed, and in place of them the frames to be filled with such +chastening subjects as "Marine Drive at Slushboro' on a Wet Evening," +"No Bathing To-day" (Bude), or "Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill +at the Hotel Superb, Shrimpville." It is felt that if this last item +does not cause people to stop at home nothing will. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE ZOO. + + Lieutenant-General Sir W.R. Robertson, Chief of the Imperial + General Staff, was unanimously elected an hon. member of + the Zoological Society of London at the December general + meeting."--_The Times_. + + * * * * * + + "By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be raised in the + courtyards of houses in Rome."--_Daily Express_. + +And we are now confidently expecting some "Lays of Modern Rome." + + * * * * * + + "£5 REWARD,--Lost, on November 28th, in Kensington, BLACK + ABERDEEN TERRIER, name 'Cinders' on collar, also Lt.-Col. + ---- and badge of S.W.B. Regiment.--Kindly return to Mrs. + ----."--_The Times_. + +Let us hope the Colonel at least has found his way home. + + * * * * * + +ULTIMUS. + + His shape was domed and his colour brown, + And I took him up and I get him down + In the lamp's full light, in the very front of it, + Ready and glad to bear the brunt of it; + And then, having raised my hand and blessed him, + I thus in appropriate words addressed him:-- + "Oh, soon to be numbered with the dead, + Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I said, + "Prepare to vanish this very day + And go to your doom the silent way. + For DEVONPORT's Lord will soon decree, + With his eye on you and his eye on me, + That you're only a useless luxury; + And, since the War on the whole continues, + We must tighten our belts and brace our sinews, + And give up the things we liked before, + And never, like _Oliver_, ask for more. + Since this is so and the War endures, + I am bound to abandon you and yours, + And wherever I meet you I must frown + On your sweet white core and your coat of brown. + But no, since you are the only one, + The last of a line that is spent and done, + I shall give myself pleasure once again + And set you free from a life of pain. + Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch you, + My lonely friend, and to crunch and munch you." + + So saying I smiled in a sort of dream + On my absolute ultimate chocolate-cream; + Then swiftly I reached my hand to get him + And popped him into my mouth and ate him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Burglar_. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT +THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS AT ALL FOR I +NEVER COULD SEE." + +_Second Burglar_. "COMB 'EM OUT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. COMB 'EM OUT."] + + * * * * * + +TACTICS. + +"Maman! à quel saint prie-t-on--" began Jeanne. Ah! but no, a +recollection flashed across her mind and was reinforced by other +memories. "J'en ai fini avec les saints," she mused, proceeding to +the other end of the room where, full of intention, she busied herself +among some books. Yes, she was now quite disillusioned; that latest +blow, on her recent tenth birthday, had confirmed finally her +long-growing suspicion--prayer to the saints was unavailing. + +After a time; "Maman, pour que Papa vienne en permission à qui faut-il +que l'on s'adresse?" + +"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais, ma fi-fille, tu sais...!" + +Jeanne, with an air of having something to decide for herself, paid +no heed, but resumed the study of her picture-book description of the +French Army, murmuring: "Un colonel--est-ce que c'est comme un saint, +ou bien est-ce que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-même?" + +Some moments of deep silence spent in intense study ended with a +triumphant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was exactly what she had wished +to discover, the very source of power. "'Les officiers attachés à un +général pour l'exécution et la transmission de ses ordres,'" re-read +Jeanne, and commented, "Et tout cela s'appelle l'_é-tat ma-jor_ du +général. Bon! c'est bien comme je le pensais; c'est le général qui est +à la tête de tout." + +Her course was now quite clear. She urged and encouraged herself: "Il +faut absolument que Papa vienne en permission. _Je--le--veux!_" And, +that her intentions might not be thwarted, absolute secrecy must +be maintained, at least in so far as the chapter relating to her +terrestrial tactics was concerned; no one would oppose intercession +_auprès du bon Dieu_. + +"Il faut m'adresser à tous les deux en même temps," pronounced Jeanne, +taking a sheet of note-paper. "J'écris directement au général" (since +time and space have to be allowed for in earthly negotiations, the +order must be thus)--"et je prie le bon Dieu en personne." That both +positions should be assailed simultaneously, operations must be +begun in this quarter in the morning, at the hour of the first postal +delivery. + +"Point de saints, ni de colonels--maintenant je +comprends--l'_é-tat-ma-jor_ dans l'Armée et les saints au Paradis, +c'est tout comme!" + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"PUSS IN NEW BOOTS." + +Five hours is a great space out of a man's life, but that was +precisely the time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to present his _Puss in +New Boots_, so that I had leisure to study the book of the words, sold +shamelessly to the unsuspecting (of whom I was not one), and compare +the rough sketches of our three standard authors of the Lane, Messrs. +COLLINS, SIMS and DIX with the version, by no manner of means final, +of the comedians. A pantomime book is on the whole rather a mournfully +unsubtle document. The thing is frankly not meant to be read when the +blood is cool. It is the Action, Action and again Action of such hefty +knock-abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE and STANLEY LUPINO that makes +the dry bones live and the old squibs crackle. And it is good fun to +watch the audience at their share of authorship, setting the seal of +their approval upon the happy wheeze, the well-contrived business, +and blue-pencilling with their silence the wash-out or the too obscure +allusion. + +[Illustration: DIANA OF THE LANE. + +_The Baroness_ ... Mr. ROBERT HALE.] + +The show is substantially new throughout--new songs, new scenery, new +japes, new acrobatics. A new Puss, too, as well as new boots; and, +without any reflection on little Miss LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an +adequate Puss of pantomime, we may regret Miss RENÉE MAYER. + +Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still delights the curious with her Swedish +exercises in alt, and makes a very pretty lady of high degree for a +pantomime marquis, who is no other than Miss MADGE TITHERADGE stepping +down from the "legitimate" and bringing an air and an elocution +unusual and admirable. She made her excellent speaking voice do duty +in recitative for song, and the innovation is not unpleasing. If it +be fair in frivolous public places to dig down to those thoughts that +better lie too deep for tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' _A Song of England_, +clear spoken by her with tenderness and spirit, is a better instrument +than most. + +Mr. HALE's _Baroness_ challenges comparison with Mr. GEORGE GRAVES's. +She is perhaps more womanly ("no ordinary" type), less grotesquely +irrelevant and profane--though she does her bit. On the other hand, +she is more active and less repetitive. When, the good fairy endowing +her with beauty, she appeared as DORIS KEANE in _Romance_, that was an +applauded stroke. And when she lied beneath the tree of truth and the +chestnuts fell each time truth was mishandled, thickest of all when +it was asserted that a certain Scotch comedian had refused his salary, +this was also very well received. On the whole, then, a satisfactory +Baroness. + +Mr. LUPINO (the miller's second son) is really an exquisite droll, +and I don't remember to have seen him in better form. He has some of +the authentic ingredients of the old circus clown--a very valuable +inheritance. + +Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to watch, always has that air of +enjoying himself immensely that is the readiest way to favour. He +seemed at times to be, as it were, looking wistfully for his old pal, +GRAVES; missed probably that companionable nose and those reliable +_da capos_ which give such opportunity for the manufacture of gags; +whereas Mr. HALE is a "thruster." But cooking the _recherché_ dinner +in the gas cooker that becomes a tank, and putting up the blind and +laying the carpet--here was the WILL EVANS that the children of all +ages applaud. + +I always find the Lane big scenes and ballets more full of competing +colour and restless movement than of controlled design. But the Hall +of Fantasy, with its spiral staircases reaching to the flies, was an +ambitious effort crowned with success. The dance of the eight tiny +zanies was the best of the ballet. The Shakspearean pageant at the end +might be (1) shortened, and (2) brightened by the characters throwing +a little more conviction into their respective aspects--notably the +ghost of _Hamlet's_ father. However, as a popular tercentenary tribute +to "our Shakspeare" the scheme is to be commended and was as such +approved. + +T. + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN. + + [The Executive of the German Sporting Clubs and Athletic + Associations have issued a manifesto expressing satisfaction + at the substitution of German for English words and phrases. + "German sport," it declares, "in future places itself + unreservedly on the side of those who would further German + Kultur. German Song and German Art will in future find a + home in German sport." This new patriotic programme has been + greatly applauded in the Press, the _Berliner Tageblatt_ + observing that the culture of soul and body must proceed + _pari passu_, with the result that "not only will the German + sportsman become a beautiful body, but a beautiful soul + as well. Every club must have its library, not filled with + sensational novels, but with works of art. And before all else + the club-house must be architecturally beautiful--an object + from which he may obtain spiritual edification."] + + The German is seldom amusing, + Since humour is hardly his forte, + But I've frequently smiled in perusing + His latest pronouncement on sport; + For it seems that he thinks it the duty + Of sportsmen to aim at the goal + Of adding to bodily beauty + A beauty of soul. + + They've made a good start by proscribing + All English and Anglicised terms, + To counter the risk of imbibing + Debased philological germs; + And they've coined a new wonderful lingo, + Which only a Teuton can talk, + Resembling the yelp of a dingo, + A cormorant's squawk. + + But in spite of his prowess Titanic, + His marvellous physical gift, + The soul of the athlete Germanic + Still clamours for moral uplift; + So we learn without any emotion + That, his ultimate aim to secure, + He must bathe in the bountiful ocean + Of German _Kultur_. + + In the process of character-building + Hun Art (_Simplicissimus_ brand), + With its _rococo_ carving and gilding, + Must ever advance hand in hand + With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring + And exquisite engine of Hate, + Whose efforts we've all been admiring + So largely of late. + + Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly, + The sportsman whom Germany needs + Will help to exterminate quickly + All weak and effeminate breeds; + And, trained in the gospel of BISSING, + Will cleave to the Hun decalogue + Which rivets the link, rarely missing, + 'Twixt him and the hog. + + * * * * * + + "Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex; under parlourmaid kept; Roman + Catholic and spectacles objected to." + +Our own preference is for a Plymouth Sister with _pince-nez_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook_ (_who, after interview with prospective +mistress, is going to think it over_). "'ULLO! PRAMBILATOR! IF YOU'D +TOLD ME YOU 'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME." + +_The Prospective Mistress_. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK THE PLACE WOULD +OTHERWISE SUIT YOU I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD THE CHILDREN OUT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our optimist +conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the creation of charming +people and her rare talent for making them alive. But I wonder if she +is not refining her brilliant technique to the point of occasional +obscurity of intention. At least I know I had to re-read a good +many passages to be quite sure what was in fact intended. An implied +compliment, no doubt; but are all readers so virtuous? ("or so dull?" +quoth she). _Hatchways_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is one of those happily +comfortable, just right houses with a hostess, _Ernestine_, whom +everybody loves and nobody (save her husband, and he not in this +book) makes love to. Holmer, on the other hand, is the adjoining ducal +mansion with a distinctly uncomfortable dowager still in command who +can't even arrange her dinner-parties and fails to marry her sons to +the right people. Perpetually Hatchways is wiping the eye of Holmer, +and this touches the nerve of the great lady. Her sons, _Wickford_, +the authentic but hardly reigning duke, and _Lord Iveagh Suir_, the +queer impressionable (on whom the author has spent much pains to +excellent effect), both take their troubles to _Ernestine_. And a +young French aviator (this is a pre-War story), guest at Hatchways, +analyses and discusses situations and characters from his coign of +privilege--a device adroitly handled by the discreet author, who adds +two charming girls, coquette _Lise_, _Iveagh's_ first love, and +wise, loyal, perceptive _Bess_, whom he found at last. To those who +appreciate subtle portraiture let me commend this study.... I feel +just as if I had been for a long week-end at Hatchways, anxiously +wondering, as I write my "roofer," if I shall be so lucky as to be +asked again. + + * * * * * + +I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me in calling +_The Flaming Sword_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) as noble and absorbing +a story of fine work finely done as any that the War has produced. +It is the history, told by herself, of Mrs. ST. CLAIR STOBART's Red +Cross Mission "in Serbia and Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEORGE +HANKIN's moving picture of _The Lady of the Black Horse_ (a name +always to be honoured among our Allies), catches the spirit of the +heroic tale and prepares you for what the _Lady_ herself has to tell. +Mrs. STOBART is no sentimentalist; fighting and the overcoming of +obstacles are, one would say, congenial to her mettle; time and again, +even in the midst of her story of the terrible retreat, with the +German guns ever thundering nearer, she can yet spare a moment to +strike shrewdly and hard for her own side in the other struggle +towards feminine emancipation which is always obviously close to +her heart. Certainly she has well earned the right to be heard with +respect. Read this high-spirited account of the difficulties--mud, +disease, prejudice, famine--through which the writer brought her +charge triumphantly to safety, and you will be inclined, with me, to +throw your critical cap into the air and thank Heaven for such women +of our race, which would be to invite, not unsuccessfully, some +withering snub from the very lady you were endeavouring to praise. +But that can't be helped. Meantime of her exploit and the book that +recounts it I can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian that I have +gleaned from its pages--_Dobro, Dobro!_ For a translation of which you +know where to apply. + + * * * * * + +So many battle books have been pouring from the press lately that +it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder still to find +something fresh to say of each; but _quot homines tot_ points of +individual interest, and for those whose concern lies more especially +with the New Zealand Forces and their campaigns I can very safely +recommend a volume which the official war correspondent to that +contingent and his son have jointly published under the title of +_Light and Shade in War_ (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM ROSS who +supplies the light, and Mr. NOEL ROSS the shade, or _vice versa_, we +are given no means of ascertaining. Between them they have certainly +put together an agreeable patchwork of small and easily read pieces, +most of which have already appeared in journalistic form. It is +perhaps parental prejudice that makes Mr. Punch consider the best of +the bunch to be "Abdul," one of three slight sketches that originally +saw the light in his own pages. _Abdul_ is a joy, also a thief, a +society entertainer, and a Cairo hospital orderly. I can only hope +that the story of how he displayed his patient's sun-browned knees as +a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, who were visiting the +hospital, is at least founded on fact. The publishers are entirely +justified in saying that these impressions, made often under actual +fire, have both colour and intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the +campaign for popular favour. + + * * * * * + +_François Villon, His Life and Times_ (HUTCHINSON) is one of those +fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long vacant corner. So far +as I know, with the exception perhaps of STEVENSON's study, there has +been no means by which the casual reader, as apart from the student, +could correct his probably very vague ideas about the Father of +Realism. Mr. H. DE VERE STACPOOLE, approaching the subject not for +the first time, here essays a brief life and appreciation of the poet, +told in picturesque but simple style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity +is apt to appear overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that the +story is being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. Apart +from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. STACPOOLE's vivid +reconstruction of mediæval France, and the Paris that sheltered VILLON +himself, TABARY, MONTIGNY and the others--that group of shadows whom +we see only by the lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries +pass before us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. Occasionally +indeed Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round the tapestry, even (one +might say) tears a hole in it and pushes his head through, with a +startling effect. But as he has always the good excuse of sympathy +with his subject one easily forgives him these generous impulses. As I +said before, a book that has had its place long reserved. + + * * * * * + +If you happen to remember that most excellent book, _Brother-in-Law +to Potts_, you may recall that the principal motive in it is the +spiritualising influence of a certain Lady Beautiful, very lightly +and even intangibly presented, on the lives of some other persons of +a more material clay. In _Obstacles_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. "PARRY +TRUSCOTT" has returned to her previous subject, but with the notable +difference that she now traces the influence brought in turn to bear +upon the lady herself, who emerges from her semi-divine obscurity to +become the heroine of the story. If in her background sketch of the +munitions factory where _Susannah_ elects to work the writer does not +trouble much about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any +particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or shell bodies, +yet she does convey, with striking simplicity and naturalness, the +impression of a world at war, and for the rest she is content to bring +her heroine in contact with the lives that are to affect her and the +environment of comparative poverty that is to help her to a decision. +What that decision was, and how unnecessary too, is sufficiently +indicated if I say that she was blessed with most understanding +parents, who positively preferred that her suitor should be a poor +man. And so the happy future that surely no authoress and most +certainly no male reader could have the heart to refuse to so +delightful a _Susannah_ is available to complete a picture touched +throughout with singular grace and charm. In particular the little +snap-shots of two ideal family households, the one that includes the +heroine, and another, much humbler, which she enters as an honoured +guest, go to make this volume, all too short though it is, one that I +can recommend with quite unusual pleasure and confidence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waitress_. "NO, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT 'AS NO REASON +TO THINK THAT LORD DEVONPORT REGARDS BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS _TWO_ +COURSES."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITIZEN SOLDIERS. + + "Lord George H. Cholmondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse + Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor in + that Territorial Corps."--_Cheshire Observer_. + +We congratulate His Worship and also the Hotts. + + * * * * * + + "The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (as well + as the choir) are invited to sit on the orchestra."--_Western + Morning News_. + +We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best. + + * * * * * + + "WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large stock. + Please state size required, and we will quote best cash + terms."--_Irish Paper_. + +An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman whose +speciality is "Families Supplied." + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, January 3, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 *** diff --git a/13903-h/13903-h.htm b/13903-h/13903-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..43e281d --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/13903-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2244 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 3, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 3, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="Vol. CLii." /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MORE DISCIPLINE.</h2> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said Sergeant Wally, accepting one of my + cigarettes and readjusting his wounded leg,—"yes, Sir, + discipline's the thing. It's only when a man moves on the word + o' command, without waiting to think, that he becomes a really + reliable soldier. I remember, when I was a recruit, how they + put us through it. I'd been on the square about a week. I was a + fairly smart youngster, and I thought I was jumping to it just + like an old soldier, when the drill sergeant called me out of + the ranks. Look 'ere,' he said, 'if you think you're going to + make a fool o' me, standing about there till you choose to obey + the word o' command, you've made a big mistake.' I could 'a' + cried at the time, but I've been glad often enough since for + what the sergeant said that day. I've found that little bit of + gag useful myself many a time."</p> + + <p>I was meditating with sympathy upon the many victims of + Sergeant Wally's borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again.</p> + + <p>"When I first came up to London from the depôt," he said, + "I'd a brother, a corporal in the same battalion. You know as + well as I do, Sir, that as a matter o' discipline a corporal + doesn't have any truck with a private soldier, excepting in the + way of duties, and my brother didn't speak to me for the first + week. Then one day he called me up and said, 'It ain't the + thing for me to be going about with you, but as you're my + brother I'll go out with you to-night. Have yourself cleaned by + six o'clock.'</p> + + <p>"Well, I took all the money I'd got—about twelve + bob—and off we went.</p> + + <p>"We had a bit o' supper first at a place my brother knew of, + and a very good supper it was. My brother ordered it, but I + paid. Then we got a couple of cigars—at least, I did. + Then we went to a music-hall, me paying, of course. We had a + drink during the evening, and when we came out my brother said, + 'We'd better come in here and have a snack.'</p> + + <p>"'Well, I ain't got any money left,' I sez. My brother + looked at me a minute, and then he said, 'I don't know what + I've been thinking of, going about with you, you a private and + me a corporal. Be off 'ome !' And he stalks away.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. Thank you, I'll have + another cigarette."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Simpler Fashions in India.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride, who was given away by her father, looked + happy and handsome in a beautiful red fern + dress."—<i>Allahabad Pioneer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <h2>TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now with the New-born Year, when people issue</p> + + <p class="i2">Greetings appropriate to all + concerned,</p> + + <p>Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you</p> + + <p class="i2">Whatever peace of mind you may have + earned;</p> + + <p class="i6">It doesn't sound too fat,</p> + + <p>But you will have to be content with that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For you will get no other, though you ask it;</p> + + <p class="i2">No peace on diplomatic folios writ,</p> + + <p>Like what you chucked in your + waste-treaty-basket,</p> + + <p class="i2">Torn into fragments, bit by little + bit;</p> + + <p class="i6">In these rude times we shrink</p> + + <p>From vain expenditure of pulp and ink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You hoped to start a further scrap of paper</p> + + <p class="i2">And stretched a flattering paw in soft + appeal,</p> + + <p>Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr</p> + + <p class="i2">With velvet padding round your claws of + steel;</p> + + <p class="i6">A pretty piece of acting,</p> + + <p>But, ere we treat, those claws'll want + extracting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You thought that you had just to moot the + question</p> + + <p class="i2">And say you felt the closing hour had + come</p> + + <p>And we should simply jump at your suggestion</p> + + <p class="i2">And all the Hague with overtures would + hum;</p> + + <p class="i6">You'd but to call her up,</p> + + <p>And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Peace and War are twain (see <i>Chadband's</i> + platitude);</p> + + <p class="i2">War you could summon by your single + self,</p> + + <p>But Peace—for she adopts a stickier + attitude—</p> + + <p class="i2">Takes two to mobilise her off the + shelf;</p> + + <p class="i6">Unless one side's so weak</p> + + <p>That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When things are thus and you have had your + beating,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll talk and you can listen. Better + cheer</p> + + <p>I've none to offer you by way of greeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this should help you through the glad + New Year;</p> + + <p class="i6">It lacks for grace, I own,</p> + + <p>But let its true sincerity atone!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN EXTRA SPECIAL.</h2> + + <p>A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in + moderation. I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I + expect to be moderately bored. In fact a partner who flashed + through all the four hours might attract Zeppelins. But Granby! + In human endurance there is a point known as the limit. That is + Granby.</p> + + <p>Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity + made Granby a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense + their wisdom into sentences. Granby beats out his limited store + into orations.</p> + + <p>It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other + night and to find that the other specials had craftily left + Granby to be my partner. The results of unpunctuality are + sometimes hideous.</p> + + <p>Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I + may describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the + court the other day a very curious case came before me." He was + off. If Granby delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches + he recites to me the Government ought to intervene. No man + however guilty ought to have a sentence <i>and</i> one of + Granby's orations. He might be given the option. Personally, + for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to serve + the sentence.</p> + + <p>Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable + treble voice down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires + Burning." "Sounds like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to + investigate this." Had it been a couple of armed burglars I + should have welcomed their advent if it stopped Granby.</p> + + <p>We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the pavement + warbling Songs Without Melody.</p> + + <p>"Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was turned + on her.</p> + + <p>"A distinct case of intoxication <i>plus</i> incapability," + observed Granby. "We must take her to the station. You can + charge her. I have so many important engagements this week that + I can't spare time to be a witness."</p> + + <p>I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to be + thrust on me.</p> + + <p>"I also have many important engagements this week," I + replied.</p> + + <p>"This duty is to be taken seriously—" began + Granby.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see her + home. She can't stay here rousing the street."</p> + + <p>"That was what I was about to suggest as the proper course + for you when you interrupted me," said Granby. "Where do you + live?" he demanded.</p> + + <p>"Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore Uncle + Sam's been dead eleven years."</p> + + <p>"Come on," I said. "Get up and we'll see you home."</p> + + <p>The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and said + affectionately, "'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim in 'is best + days afore 'e got jugged!"</p> + + <p>Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think he + knew that I was smiling in the darkness.</p> + + <p>"Jus' like ole times, when we was courtin' together," + continued the lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze-topped + barmaid comin' between us, what might 'ave been! ah, what might + 'ave been!"</p> + + <p>This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing, "Come to + me, sweet Marie," with incidental attempts at a step-dance. The + <i>finale</i> brought us to Benbow Avenue.</p> + + <p>"I shall speak to her husband and caution him severely about + his wife's conduct," said Granby to me.</p> + + <p>I shrank into the background ready to move off directly the + oration began.</p> + + <p>Granby knocked at the door and it opened.</p> + + <p>"I have brought your wife home in a state—" he + began.</p> + + <p>"Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk while + you've been sitting guzzling by the fire?"</p> + + <p>"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the indignant + husband.</p> + + <p>"I am a magistrate and a special constable—" began + Granby.</p> + + <p>"More shame to you. It's the likes of you 'oo disgraces the + upper clarses."</p> + + <p>"Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. "Don't lower yourself + by talking to 'im. I never could abide a man as smelt o' gin + meself."</p> + + <p>The door slammed and Granby strode towards me.</p> + + <p>"The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I am + tempted to despair of the State when I think of it. The only + way is to let these occurrences pass into oblivion, to set + oneself resolutely to forget them as if they had never + been."</p> + + <p>I agreed; but since then Granby has always eyed me + curiously. I think he suspects that I am not forgetting + resolutely enough.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Field Officer writes: "Yesterday I was saluted by an + Australian private. It was a great day for me."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY." /></a> + + <h3>THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY.</h3>UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, + SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Enthusiast</i>. "AS A PATRIOT, MADAM, WILL YOU SIGN + THE ROLL OF HONOUR OF 'THE + NO-SUPERFLUOUS-TRAVEL-BUT-GIVE-UP-YOUR-SEATS-TO-SOLDIERS-AND-SAILORS-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE + LEAGUE'?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LIV.</h3> + + <p>My Dear Charles,—What about this Peace? I suppose + that, what with your nice new Governments and all, this is the + very last thing you are thinking of making at the moment. I + wouldn't believe that the old War was ever going to end at all + if it wasn't for the last expert and authoritative opinion I + hear has been expressed by our elderly barber in Fleet Street. + At the end of July, 1914, he told me confidentially, as he + snipped the short hairs at the back of my head, that there was + going to be no war; the whole thing was just going to fizzle + out. Now he says it is going to be a very, very long business, + as he always thought it would.</p> + + <p>I find it difficult to maintain consistently either the + detached point of view, in which one discusses it as if it was + a European hand of bridge, or the purely interested point of + view, in which one regards it only as a matter affecting one's + individual comfort. I know a Mess, well up in the Front where + they measure the mud by feet, in which they were discussing the + War raging at their front door as if it had nothing to do with + them beyond being a convenient thing to criticise. Men who were + then likely to be personally removed at any moment by it saw + nothing in the progress of it to be depressed about. As the + evening wore on and they all came to find that they knew much + more about the subject than they supposed, they were prepared + to increase the allowance of casualties in pressing the merits + of their own pet schemes. No gloom arose from the possibility + that this generous offer might well include their own health + and limbs. There was no gloom; there was even no desire to + change the subject. Indeed, the better to continue it they + called for something to drink. There was nothing to drink, + announced the Mess Orderly. Why was there nothing to drink? + asked the Mess President, advocate of enormous offensives on a + wide front for an indefinite period of years, if need be. The + Mess Orderly explained that more drink was on order, it had not + arrived because of difficulties of carriage. Why were there + difficulties of carriage? Because of the War. "Confound the + War," said the Mess President. "It really is the most infernal + nuisance."</p> + + <p>I know a Captain Jones, resident a cottage on the road to + the trenches (he calls this cottage his "Battle Box"), whose + mind was very violently moved from the impersonal to the + personal point of view by a quite trifling incident. He has one + upstairs room for office, bedroom, sitting, reception and + dining room. His meals are brought over to him by his servant + from an estaminet across the road over which his window looks. + The other morning he was standing at this window waiting for + his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine frosty day, made all the + brighter by the sound of approaching bagpipes. Troops were + about to march past, suggesting great national thoughts to + Jones and reminding him of the familiar details of his own more + active days. Jones prepared to enjoy himself.</p> + + <p>Colonels on horses, thought Jones as he contemplated, are + much of a muchness—always the look of the sahib about + them, the slightly proud, the slightly stuffy, the slightly + weather-beaten, the slightly affluent sahib. Company + Commanders, also on horses, but somehow or other not quite so + much on horses as the Colonels, are the same all the army + through—very confident of themselves, but hoping against + hope that there is nothing about their companies to catch the + Adjutant's eye. The Subaltern walks as he has always done, + lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that all is as it should + be, but feeling that if it isn't that is some one else's + trouble. Sergeants, Corporals, Lance-corporals and men have not + altered. The Sergeants relax on the march into something almost + bordering on friendliness towards their victims; the Corporals + thank Heaven that for the moment they are but men; the + Lance-corporals thank Heaven that always they are something + more than men, and the men have the look of having decided that + this is the last kilometre they'll ever footslog for anybody, + but while they are doing it they might as well be cheerful + about it. The regimental transport makes a change from the + regularity of column of route, and the comic relief is + provided, as it has always been and always will be provided + whatever the disciplinary martinets may say or do, by the + company cooks.</p> + + <p>This was a sight, thought Jones, he could watch for ever. He + was sorry when the battalion came at last to an end; he was + glad when another almost immediately began. He was in luck; + doubtless this was a brigade on the move. He proposed to have + his breakfast at the window, when it came as come it soon must, + thus refreshing his hungry body and his contemplative mind at + the same time. The second battalion, as the first, were fine + fellows all, suggesting the might of the Allies and the + futility of the enemy's protracted resistance. Again the comic + relief was provided by the travelling cuisine, reminding Jones + of the oddity of human affairs and the need of his own meal, + now sufficiently deferred.</p> + + <p>The progress of the Brigade was interrupted by the + intervention of a train of motor transport. Jones spent the + time of its passing in consulting his watch, wondering where + the devil was his breakfast and ascertaining that his servant + had indeed gone across the road for it at least forty minutes + ago.</p> + + <p>It was not until there came a break, after the first company + of the third battalion, that the reason of this delay became + apparent. There was his servant on the far side of the road, + and there was his breakfast in the servant's hand, all standing + to attention, as they should do when a column of troops was + passing....</p> + + <p>The remainder of that Brigade suggested no agreeable + thoughts to Captain Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in the + whole and nothing attractive in any detail of it. It was in + fact just a long and tiresome sequence of monotonous and + sheeplike individuals who really might have chosen some other + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> time and place for their silly + walks abroad. And as for the spirit of discipline + exemplified in the servant, who scrupled to defy red tape + and slip through at a convenient interval, this was nothing + else but the maddening ineptitude of all human conceits.</p> + + <p>A wonderful servant is that servant of Captain Jones; but + then they all are. Valet, cook, porter, boots, chambermaid, + ostler, carpenter, upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, + needlewoman, coal-heaver, diplomat, barber, linguist + (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete pantechnicon + and infallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very old + soldier, and a man of the most human kind. Jones came across + him in the earlier stages of the War, not in England and not in + France. The selection wasn't after the usual manner or upon the + usual references. He recommended himself to Jones by the + following incident:—</p> + + <p>A new regiment had come to the station; between them and the + old regiment, later to become the firmest friends, some little + difference of opinion had arisen and, upon the first meeting of + representative elements in the neighbouring town, there had + been words. Reports, as they reached Jones at the barracks some + four miles from the town, hinted at something more than words + still continuing. Jones, having reason to anticipate sequels on + the morrow, took the precaution of going round his company + quarters then, and there, to find which of his men, if any, + were not involved. "There's a fair scrap up in town," he heard + a man saying. As he entered, a second man was sitting up in bed + and asking, "Dost thou think it will be going on yet?" Hoping + for the best, he was for rising, dressing, walking four miles + and joining in.</p> + + <p>Jones stopped his enterprise that night, but engaged him for + servant next day. I don't know why, nor does he; but he was + right all the same. Yours ever, HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MY MAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HEART, + SIR."</p> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> "MY WORD! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, + SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will anyone knowing where to obtain the game of + 'Bounce' kindly inform A.T.?"—<i>Advt. in "The + Times."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"A.T." should address himself to the Imperial Palace at + Potsdam.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Suggested by an official notice of the L. & + N.W.R.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The whole vicinity of Hooley Hill</p> + + <p>Is smitten with a devastating chill,</p> + + <p>And the once cheerful neighbourhood of Pleck</p> + + <p>Has got the hump and got it in the neck.</p> + + <p>The residential gentry of Pont Rug</p> + + <p>No longer seem self-satisfied or smug,</p> + + <p>And the distressed inhabitants of Nantlle</p> + + <p>Are wrapped in discontent as in a mantle.</p> + + <p>Good folk who Halted once at Apsley Guise</p> + + <p>Are now afflicted with a sad surprise,</p> + + <p>While Oddington, another famous Halt,</p> + + <p>Is silent as a sad funereal vault;</p> + + <p>And the dejected denizens of Cheadle</p> + + <p>Look one and all as if they'd got the needle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Unfortunate Juxtaposition.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Dr. —— has RESUMED PRACTICE.</p> + + <p>—— AND ——, UNDERTAKERS."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="author"><i>West Australian</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>According to President WILSON Germany also claims to be + fighting for the freedom of the smaller nations. Her known + anxiety to free the small nations of South America from the + fetters of the Monroe Doctrine has impressed the PRESIDENT with + the correctness of this claim.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has gone and given away the + secret that Germany does not care a rap for the rights of the + little nations. It is this kind of blundering that sours your + transatlantic diplomatist.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>General JOFFRE has been made a Marshal of France. While + falling short of the absolute omnipotence of London's + Provost-Marshal the position is not without a certain + dignity.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The announcement that the Queen of HUNGARY's coronation robe + is to cost over £2,000 has had a distinctly unpleasant effect + upon the German people, who are wondering indignantly how + Belgium is to be indemnified if such extravagance is permitted + to continue.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that as the result of the drastic changes in + our railway service the publication of <i>Bradshaw's Guide</i> + may be delayed. At a time when it is of vital importance to + keep up the spirits of the nation the absence of one of our + best known humorous publications will be sorely felt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The failure of King CONSTANTINE to join with other neutrals + in urging peace on the belligerents must not be taken as + indicating that he is out of sympathy with the German + effort.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The County Council has after mature deliberation decided to + set aside ten acres of waste land for cultivation by allotment + holders. It is this ability to think in huge figures that + distinguishes the municipal from the purely individual + patriot.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In anticipation of a Peace Conference German agents at the + Hague have been making discreet inquiries after lodgings for + German delegates. The latter have expressed a strong preference + for getting in on the ground floor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The weighing of a recruit could not be completed at Mill + Hill, as the scales did not go beyond seventeen stone, and + indignation has been expressed in some quarters at the failure + of the official mind to adopt the simple expedient of weighing + as much as they could of him and then weighing the rest at a + second or, if necessary, a third attempt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that tradesmen's weekly books are to be + abolished. We have long felt that the absurd practice of paying + the fellows is a relic of the dark ages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The statement of a writer in a morning paper that Wednesday + night's fog "tasted like Stilton cheese" has attracted the + attention of the Food Controller, who is having an analysis + made with the view of determining its suitability for civilian + rations. We assume that it would rank as cheese and not count + in the calculation of courses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Austria has forbidden the importation of champagne, caviare + and oysters, and now that the horrors of war have thus been + thoroughly brought home to the populace it is expected that + public opinion in the Dual Monarchy will shortly force the + EMPEROR to make overtures to the Allies for a separate + peace.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a protest against being fined, a Tottenham man has + stopped his War Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after a + series of prolonged discussions with Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. + BONAR LAW has decided that the War can go on, subject to the + early introduction of certain economies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given permission to his tenants to + trap rabbits on the ducal estates. It is hoped that a taste of + real sport will cause many of the local residents, though above + military age, to volunteer for similar work on the West + Front.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The prisons in Berlin are said to be full of women who have + offended against the Food Laws, and in consequence of this many + deserving criminals are homeless.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A party of American literary and scientific gentlemen have + obtained permission to visit Egypt on a mission of research. In + view of the American craze for souvenir-hunting it is + anticipated that a special guard will be mounted over the + Pyramids.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'I am being overwhelmed with letters offering services + from all and sundry,' Mr. Chamberlain said yesterday.</p> + + <p>'As I haven't even appointed a private secretary at + present,' he added, 'it is obviously impossible for me even + to open them.'"—<i>Daily Sketch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We suppose the Censor must have told him what they were + about.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MUSCAT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An ancient castle crowns the hill</p> + + <p class="i2">That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay,</p> + + <p>Where, in the spacious days of old,</p> + + <p>Stout ALBUQUERQUE set his hold</p> + + <p>Dealing in slaves and silks and gold</p> + + <p class="i2">From Hormuz to Cathay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Dom has passed, the Arab rules;</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet still there fronts the morning + light</p> + + <p>Erect upon the crumbling wall</p> + + <p>The mast of some great Amiral,</p> + + <p>A trophy of the Portingall</p> + + <p class="i2">In some forgotten fight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wind blows damp, the sun shines hot,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ever on the Eastern shore,</p> + + <p>Faint envoys from the far monsoon,</p> + + <p>There in the gap the breakers croon</p> + + <p>Their old unchanging rhythmic rune</p> + + <p class="i2">(The noise is such a bore).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And week by week to climb that hill</p> + + <p class="i2">The SULTAN sends some sweating knave</p> + + <p>To scan the misty deep and hail</p> + + <p>With hoisted nag the smoky trail</p> + + <p>That means (hurrah!) the English mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">So we still rule the wave!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hurrah!—and yet what tales of woe!</p> + + <p class="i2">My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks,</p> + + <p>The long-drawn agony of strife,</p> + + <p>The daily toll of precious life,</p> + + <p>And a sad screed from my poor wife</p> + + <p class="i2">Of babes with chicken-pox.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All this it brings—yet brings therewith</p> + + <p class="i2">That which may help us bear and grin.</p> + + <p>"Boy, when you hear the boat's keel scrunch,</p> + + <p>Ask the mail officer to lunch;</p> + + <p>But give me time to peep at <i>Punch</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Before you let him in."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS.</h2> + + <h4>THE TAXI-MEN.</h4> + + <p>What (writes a returned traveller) has happened to London's + taxi-drivers? When I went away, not more than three months ago, + they occasionally stopped when they were hailed and were not + invariably unwilling to convey one hither and there. But now + ... With flags defiantly up, they move disdainfully along, and + no one can lure them aside. Where on these occasions are they + going? How do they make a living if the flag never comes down? + Are they always on their way to lunch, even late at night? Are + they always out of petrol? I can understand and admire the + independence that follows upon overwork; but when was their + overwork done? The only tenable theory that I have evolved is + that Lord NORTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> to absolutism is another + phenomenon of my absence) has engaged them all to patrol the + streets in his service.</p> + + <p>Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver, breaking free from this + bondage, answers a hail; but even then all is not necessarily + easy. This is the kind of thing:—</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. I want to go to Bedford Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). Where's that?</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. In Kensington.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. That's too far. I've got another job at + half-past four (<i>or</i> My petrol's run out).</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. If I gave you an extra shilling could you just + manage it?</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i> (<i>scowling</i>). All right. Jump + in.</p> + + <p>This that follows also happens so frequently as to be + practically the rule and not the exception:—</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. 12, Lexham Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. 12, Leicester Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. No; LEXHAM.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. 12, Lexham Road?</p> + + <p><i>You</i> (<i>shouting</i>). No; Lexham GARDENS!</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. What number?</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. TWELVE!</p> + + <p>To illustrate the power that the taxi-driver has been + wielding over London during the past week or so of mitigated + festivity, let me tell a true story. I was in a cab with my old + friend Mark, one of the most ferocious sticklers for efficiency + in underlings who ever sent for the manager. His maledictions + on bad waiters have led to the compulsory re-decorating of half + the restaurants of London months before their time, simply by + discolouring the walls with their intensity. Well, after + immense difficulty, Mark and I, bound for the West, induced a + driver to accept us as his fare, and took our places + inside.</p> + + <p>"He looks a decent capable fellow," said Mark, who prides + himself on his skill in physiognomy. "We ought to be there in a + quarter of an hour."</p> + + <p>But we did not start. First the engine was cold. Then, that + having consented and the flag being lowered, a fellow-driver + asked our man to help him with his tail-light. He did so with + the utmost friendliness and deliberation. Then they both went + to the back of our cab to see how our tail-light was doing, and + talked about tail-lights together, and how easy it was to jolt + them out, and how difficult it was to know whether they had + been jolted out or not, and how jolly careful one had to be + nowadays with so many blooming regulations and restrictions and + things.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Mark was becoming purple with suppressed rage, for + the clock was ticking and all this wasted time should, in a + decently-managed world, have belonged to us. But he dared not + let himself go. It was a pitiful sight—this strong man + repressing impulse. At any moment I expected to see him dash + his arm through the window and tell the driver what he thought + of him; but he did not. He did nothing; but I could hear his + blood boil.</p> + + <p>Then at last our man mounted the box, and just at that + moment (this is an absolutely true story) it chanced that an + errand-boy asked him the way to Panton Street, and he got down + from the box and walked quite a little way with the boy to show + him. And while he was away the engine stopped. It was then that + poor Mark performed one of the most heroic feats of his life. + He still sat still; but I seemed to see his hat rising and + falling, as did the lid of WATT's kettle on that historic + evening which led to so much railway trouble, from strikes and + sandwiches to <i>Bradshaw</i>. Still he said nothing. Nor did + he speak until the engine had been started again and we were + really on our way and thoroughly late. "If it had only been in + normal times," he said grimly, "how I should have let that man + have it. But one simply mustn't. It's terrible, but they've got + us by the short hairs!"</p> + + <p>No doubt of that.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>to maid who has asked for a + rise</i>). "WHY, MARY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH + AS THAT."</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. "WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK + OUT WITH HAS JUST GOT A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I + SHALL BE OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO HIM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" + id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/8.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/8.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Gretchen</i>. "WILL IT NEVER END? THINK OF OUR AWFUL + RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY."</p> + + <p><i>Hans</i>. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY + MEAL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>V.</h4> + + <h4><i>From "The Piræus Pictorial."</i></h4> + + <h4>GET A MOVE ON.</h4> + + <h4><i>By Mr. Demosthenes.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>The brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who has been + aptly styled "the leading light of the democracy," + contributes what is perhaps the most wonderful and powerful + article which we have had the pleasure of publishing from + his trenchant pen.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Words won't do it, my friends. We don't want speeches. We + want <i>action</i>. I ask you to give the Buskers socks. Kick + this Chorus of Five Hundred out of the orchestra. Ostrichise + the Government! Give them the bird!</p> + + <p>If I read my countrymen aright (and who does if I don't?), + what they are saying now is, "We must have a definite plan of + strong action. We are not going to fight any longer with + speeches and despatches." That's the way, Athenians! Good luck + to you! Zeus bless you. And the same to you, Tommy Hoplites and + Jack Nautes, and many of them! <i>You</i> don't mean PHILIP to + be Tyrant of Athens, do you? <i>You</i>'re not going to have + him turning our beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry stable? + <i>You</i>'re not going to see the Barbarians hanging up their + shields on the dear old statue of Athene. Of course you're not. + When I walk through the city and see, as I pass the houses of + my humbler brethren, the neat respectable little altars and the + good old well-used wine-presses (which I never do without + breathing a little prayer, uncantingly, straight from the + heart), I say, "It's a foul calumny to pretend that the people + are not all right. They are, Zeus bless 'em! All they are + waiting for is a lead. And action!"</p> + + <p>We've got to have a strong policy, my friends, and my tip to + you is—"Trust the Army! Curse the politicians!" It's no + use sitting still while ÆSCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You and + I, my brothers and sisters, as I'm proud to call you, <i>we</i> + don't spout, do we? We mean business! <i>And PHILIP means + business too</i>! At any moment he may come down on us and + devastate our quiet picturesque little demes which we all love + so well and get disgustingly drunk on <i>our</i> wine. So give + us the word, ÆSCHINES AND Co.—not many words, please, but + just <i>one</i> word—and we'll tackle him as he ought to + be tackled and put a pinch of Attic salt on his tail. We don't + want <i>this</i> PHILIP, but we <i>do</i> want a fillip of our + own. Meanwhile, are we downhearted? I <i>don't</i> think.</p> + + <p>(<i>Another powerful philippic by Mr. Demosthenes next + week.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>What to do with our Prisoners.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 + Germans; limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds + military hospital."—<i>Bazaar</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer <i>Spyros</i> + lacks confirmation."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always had our doubts about the report.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with + the goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely + recognized that it was bad policy to kill + him."—<i>G.B. Shaw in "The Times</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away + from the sex-problem.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FREMDENBLATT.—Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day + that the Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they + rejected Germany's terms."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + <p>But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a + sling.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK." /></a> + + <h3>AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK.</h3>BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR + CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <h2>HIS MASTER'S VOICE.</h2> + + <h4>FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am the White House typewriter!</p> + + <p>I am the Voice of the People</p> + + <p>And then some!</p> + + <p>I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends,</p> + + <p>All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN,</p> + + <p>Who has a megaphone of his own.</p> + + <p>I am the soul of a great free people!</p> + + <p>Hence the <i>vers libre</i></p> + + <p>Which breathes the spirit of Democracy</p> + + <p>Because anybody can do it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who secured a second term of office for my master, + President WILSON?</p> + + <p>Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General + HARRISON GRAY OTIS?</p> + + <p>It was not.</p> + + <p>It was I!</p> + + <p>Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel + HOUSE and nearly as useless as Senator WORKS,</p> + + <p>But as my master only works me with one thumb</p> + + <p>(For fear of saying something that might have to be + explained away)</p> + + <p>I do very nicely.</p> + + <p>And when it comes to throwing the bull</p> + + <p>I am the real Peruvian doughnuts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I was new once, but obscure,</p> + + <p>Wasting my freshness on a <i>Life of Jefferson</i> + (extinct)</p> + + <p>And a <i>History of the United States</i>,</p> + + <p>Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and + the MCCLURE Syndicate</p> + + <p>Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back + page of provincial newspapers</p> + + <p>Along with <i>Dainty Diapers</i> and <i>Why I Love + the Movies</i>, by MARY PICKFORD.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am the Defender of Liberties!</p> + + <p>Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it + again;</p> + + <p>Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms + when the British Navy threatened to interfere with + business.</p> + + <p>Next to Mr. LANSING,</p> + + <p>Who is said to use a Blickensderfer,</p> + + <p>I am the hottest little protester in + Protestville,</p> + + <p>And in consequence nobody loves me,</p> + + <p>Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor + WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST;</p> + + <p>Nor even <i>The Spectator</i>,</p> + + <p>Which never did like Democrats, anyway.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now I am the Harbinger of Peace</p> + + <p>By special request.</p> + + <p>Imperial Germany,</p> + + <p>Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled + potatoes,</p> + + <p>Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter + annihilation,</p> + + <p>And the prayer is echoed</p> + + <p>By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals.</p> + + <p>So my keys tap out the glad message</p> + + <p>Of friendship for all and trouble for none.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I ask them what they are fighting about,</p> + + <p>And if it is really true that Belgium has been + invaded,</p> + + <p>And propose that we should all get together and talk + it over</p> + + <p>Nice and quietly over tea and muffins</p> + + <p>And away from all the nasty blood and noise.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus I address them,</p> + + <p>And humane Germany</p> + + <p>Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply + with my request;</p> + + <p>But the stiff-necked Entente,</p> + + <p>With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the + LINCOLN person at his worst,</p> + + <p>Merely utter joint and several sentiments</p> + + <p>The substance and effect of which appear to be</p> + + <p>"Nix!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">ALGOL.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bill</i> (<i>coming to after a shell has hit his + dug-out</i>). "HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?"</p> + + <p><i>William</i>. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL."</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' + WILLIAM?"</p> + + <p><i>William</i>. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL."</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT + SNOW OR DAISIES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ONLY REGRET.</h2> + + <h4>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h4> + + <p>Once upon a time a man lay dying.</p> + + <p>He was dying very much at his ease, for he had had enough of + it all.</p> + + <p>None the less they brought a priest, who stretched his face + a yard long and spoke from his elastic-sided boots.</p> + + <p>"This is a solemn moment," said the priest. "But sooner or + later it comes to us all. You are fortunate in having all your + faculties."</p> + + <p>The dying man smiled grimly.</p> + + <p>"Is there any wrong that you have done that you wish + redressed?" the priest asked.</p> + + <p>"None that I can remember," said the dying man.</p> + + <p>"But you are sorry for such wrong as you have done?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know that I am," said the dying man. "I was a very + poor hand at doing wrong. But there are some so-called good + deeds that I could wish undone which are still bearing evil + fruit."</p> + + <p>The priest looked pained. "But you would not hold that you + have not been wicked?" he said.</p> + + <p>"Not conspicuously enough to worry about," replied the + other. "Most of my excursions into what you would call + wickedness were merely attempts to learn more about this + wonderful world into which we are projected. It's largely a + matter of temperament, and I've been more attracted by the + gentle things than the desperate. Strange as you may think it, + I die without fear."</p> + + <p>"But surely there are matters for regret in your life?" the + priest, who was a conscientious man, inquired earnestly.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said the dying man. "Regret? That's another matter. + Have I no occasion for regret? Have I not? Have I not?"</p> + + <p>The priest cheered up. "For opportunities lost," he said. + "The lost opportunities—how sad a theme, how melancholy a + retrospect! Tell me of them."</p> + + <p>"I said nothing about lost opportunities," the dying man + replied; "I said that there was much to regret, and there is; + but there were no opportunities that in this particular I + neglected. They simply did not present themselves often + enough."</p> + + <p>"Tell me of this sorrow," said the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> priest. "Perhaps I may be + able to comfort you."</p> + + <p>The dying man again smiled his grim smile. "My greatest + regret," he said, "and one, unhappily, that could never be + remedied, even if I lived to be a thousand, is—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning nearer.</p> + + <p>"Is," said the dying man, "that I have known so few + children."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Sentry</i> (<i>for the second time, after officer has + answered "Friend," and come up close</i>). "HALT! WHO GOES + THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Officer.</i> "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?"</p> + + <p><i>Sentry.</i> "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIR, I'M SURE. I'M + A STRANGER HERE MYSELF."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"ABSENTEE ARRESTED.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shann on a lighter in + the Old Harbour. He failed to produce his registration card + and could offer no reason why he had not reported for + service. Subsequently he said he was 422 years of + age."—<i>Hull Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Passed for centenarian duty.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk cart; to live + in."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He will at least have the advantage of living close to his + work.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"THE BHAKTHI MARGA PRASANGA SABHA.—At Nagappa + Chetty Pillayar Vasantha Mantapam, 322 Thumbu Chetty + Street, Georgetown, to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi + Chidambara Bhagavathar will give a harikatha on + 'Pittukkumansuman tha Thiruvilayadal.'" <i>Madras + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We like the words and should be glad to hear the tune.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2> + + <h3>(SECOND SERIES.)</h3> + + <h4>XII.</h4> + + <h4>CHERRY GARDENS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where d'ye buy your earrings,</p> + + <p>Your pretty bobbing earrings,</p> + + <p>Where d'ye buy your earrings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Moll and Sue and Nan?</p> + + <p>In the Cherry Gardens</p> + + <p>They sell 'em eight a penny,</p> + + <p>And let you eat as many</p> + + <p class="i2">As ever you can.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Moll's are ruddy coral,</p> + + <p>Sue's are glossy jet,</p> + + <p>Nan's are yellow ivory,</p> + + <p class="i2">Swinging on their stems.</p> + + <p>O you lucky damsels</p> + + <p>To get in Cherry Gardens</p> + + <p>Earrings for your fardens</p> + + <p class="i2">Comelier than gems!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>XIII.</h4> + + <h4>NEWINGTON BUTTS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bung is lost from Newington Butts!</p> + + <p>The beer is running in all the ruts,</p> + + <p>The gutters are swimming, the Butts are dry,</p> + + <p>Lackadaisy! and so am I.</p> + + <p>Who was the thief that stole the bung?</p> + + <p>I shall go hopping the day he's hung!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>XIV.</h4> + + <h4>NINE ELMS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nine Elms in a ring:</p> + + <p>In One I saw a Robin swing,</p> + + <p>In Two a Peacock spread his tail,</p> + + <p>In Three I heard the Nightingale,</p> + + <p>In Four a White Owl hid with craft,</p> + + <p>In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed,</p> + + <p>In Six a Wood-dove croodled low,</p> + + <p>In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow,</p> + + <p>In Eight a million Starlings flew,</p> + + <p>In Nine a Cuckoo said, "Cuckoo!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers + wanted."—<i>Manchester Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Are these the first-fruits of the new Food Control?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From battalion orders:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Men transferred from Command Depôt will be fed up to + the day of departure."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even commanding officers occasionally have a glimpse of the + obvious.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In expressing regret that we had dropped the word + 'culture' out of our vocabulary because of Germany, the + Archdeacon of Middlesex gave the following + definitions:—</p> + + <p>'Kultur'—Had for 'Culture.'—A word its god + the State, and which describes a was practically spirit of + sympathy materialism, the result with all that is beaubeing + simply mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, and + pure."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even now it is not very clear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/12.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12.png" + alt="Jan and Jarge" /></a> + + <p><i>Jan</i> (<i>repeating the Question for the tenth time + in two hours</i>). "'AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, + JARGE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i> (<i>answering the question for the tenth + time in two hours</i>). "NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR + SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jan</i>. "NOA. DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i>. "NOA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT + SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jan</i>. "NOA."</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i>. "THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHOKING THEM OFF.</h2> + + <p>It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by + the railway companies with a view to "discourage unnecessary + travelling" prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more + stringent character, may be resorted to. By the courtesy of an + official we are able to give details of some further + innovations that have been suggested.</p> + + <p>(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be + specially trained to answer all enquiries from civilian + passengers in an ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner.</p> + + <p>Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the + correct form of reply to such questions as, "Can I take this + train to Rugby?" The answer in this case will convey a jocular + suggestion that the task is best left to the engine-driver; and + others in the same style.</p> + + <p>In all cases of urgency the formula "Wait and see" to be + freely employed for purposes of discouragement.</p> + + <p>(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as + those to Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to + be struck off, which will be disposed of by public auction to + the highest bidder.</p> + + <p>(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) + take place between stations, preference to be given to the + interior of tunnels. All artificial light will then be cut off, + and the officials of the train will run up and down the + corridors howling like wolves.</p> + + <p>(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller + (as "Margate") it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to + reply, "I double Margate"; when his opponent, the public, must + either pay twice the already increased fare or forfeit the + journey.</p> + + <p>(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the + station refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised. A return + to be made to the more "discouraging" models of fifty years + ago, which will be specially manufactured under the supervision + of the Ministry of Munitions.</p> + + <p>(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places + on the company's service at present exhibited in the + compartments to be removed, and in place of them the frames to + be filled with such chastening subjects as "Marine Drive at + Slushboro' on a Wet Evening," "No Bathing To-day" (Bude), or + "Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill at the Hotel Superb, + Shrimpville." It is felt that if this last item does not cause + people to stop at home nothing will.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <h4>"GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE ZOO.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Lieutenant-General Sir W.R. Robertson, Chief of the + Imperial General Staff, was unanimously elected an hon. + member of the Zoological Society of London at the December + general meeting."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be raised in the + courtyards of houses in Rome."—<i>Daily + Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And we are now confidently expecting some "Lays of Modern + Rome."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"£5 REWARD,—Lost, on November 28th, in Kensington, + BLACK ABERDEEN TERRIER, name 'Cinders' on collar, also + Lt.-Col. —— and badge of S.W.B. + Regiment.—Kindly return to Mrs. + ——."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Let us hope the Colonel at least has found his way home.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>ULTIMUS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His shape was domed and his colour brown,</p> + + <p>And I took him up and I get him down</p> + + <p>In the lamp's full light, in the very front of + it,</p> + + <p>Ready and glad to bear the brunt of it;</p> + + <p>And then, having raised my hand and blessed him,</p> + + <p>I thus in appropriate words addressed + him:—</p> + + <p>"Oh, soon to be numbered with the dead,</p> + + <p>Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I said,</p> + + <p>"Prepare to vanish this very day</p> + + <p>And go to your doom the silent way.</p> + + <p>For DEVONPORT's Lord will soon decree,</p> + + <p>With his eye on you and his eye on me,</p> + + <p>That you're only a useless luxury;</p> + + <p>And, since the War on the whole continues,</p> + + <p>We must tighten our belts and brace our sinews,</p> + + <p>And give up the things we liked before,</p> + + <p>And never, like <i>Oliver</i>, ask for more.</p> + + <p>Since this is so and the War endures,</p> + + <p>I am bound to abandon you and yours,</p> + + <p>And wherever I meet you I must frown</p> + + <p>On your sweet white core and your coat of brown.</p> + + <p>But no, since you are the only one,</p> + + <p>The last of a line that is spent and done,</p> + + <p>I shall give myself pleasure once again</p> + + <p>And set you free from a life of pain.</p> + + <p>Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch you,</p> + + <p>My lonely friend, and to crunch and munch you."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So saying I smiled in a sort of dream</p> + + <p>On my absolute ultimate chocolate-cream;</p> + + <p>Then swiftly I reached my hand to get him</p> + + <p>And popped him into my mouth and ate him.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13.png" + alt="Two Burglars." /></a> + + <p><i>First Burglar</i>. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT + THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS + AT ALL FOR I NEVER COULD SEE."</p> + + <p><i>Second Burglar</i>. "COMB 'EM OUT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. + COMB 'EM OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TACTICS.</h2> + + <p>"Maman! à quel saint prie-t-on—" began Jeanne. Ah! but + no, a recollection flashed across her mind and was reinforced + by other memories. "J'en ai fini avec les saints," she mused, + proceeding to the other end of the room where, full of + intention, she busied herself among some books. Yes, she was + now quite disillusioned; that latest blow, on her recent tenth + birthday, had confirmed finally her long-growing + suspicion—prayer to the saints was unavailing.</p> + + <p>After a time; "Maman, pour que Papa vienne en permission à + qui faut-il que l'on s'adresse?"</p> + + <p>"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais, ma fi-fille, tu + sais...!"</p> + + <p>Jeanne, with an air of having something to decide for + herself, paid no heed, but resumed the study of her + picture-book description of the French Army, murmuring: "Un + colonel—est-ce que c'est comme un saint, ou bien est-ce + que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-même?"</p> + + <p>Some moments of deep silence spent in intense study ended + with a triumphant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was exactly what she + had wished to discover, the very source of power. "'Les + officiers attachés à un général pour l'exécution et la + transmission de ses ordres,'" re-read Jeanne, and commented, + "Et tout cela s'appelle l'<i>é-tat ma-jor</i> du général. Bon! + c'est bien comme je le pensais; c'est le général qui est à la + tête de tout."</p> + + <p>Her course was now quite clear. She urged and encouraged + herself: "Il faut absolument que Papa vienne en permission. + <i>Je—le—veux!</i>" And, that her intentions might + not be thwarted, absolute secrecy must be maintained, at least + in so far as the chapter relating to her terrestrial tactics + was concerned; no one would oppose intercession <i>auprès du + bon Dieu</i>.</p> + + <p>"Il faut m'adresser à tous les deux en même temps," + pronounced Jeanne, taking a sheet of note-paper. "J'écris + directement au général" (since time and space have to be + allowed for in earthly negotiations, the order must be + thus)—"et je prie le bon Dieu en personne." That both + positions should be assailed simultaneously, operations must be + begun in this quarter in the morning, at the hour of the first + postal delivery.</p> + + <p>"Point de saints, ni de colonels—maintenant je + comprends—l'<i>é-tat-ma-jor</i> dans l'Armée et les + saints au Paradis, c'est tout comme!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h4>"PUSS IN NEW BOOTS."</h4> + + <p>Five hours is a great space out of a man's life, but that + was precisely the time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to present + his <i>Puss in New Boots</i>, so that I had leisure to study + the book of the words, sold shamelessly to the unsuspecting (of + whom I was not one), and compare the rough sketches of our + three standard authors of the Lane, Messrs. COLLINS, SIMS and + DIX with the version, by no manner of means final, of the + comedians. A pantomime book is on the whole rather a mournfully + unsubtle document. The thing is frankly not meant to be read + when the blood is cool. It is the Action, Action and again + Action of such hefty knock-abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE + and STANLEY LUPINO that makes the dry bones live and the old + squibs crackle. And it is good fun to watch the audience at + their share of authorship, setting the seal of their approval + upon the happy wheeze, the well-contrived business, and + blue-pencilling with their silence the wash-out or the too + obscure allusion.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="DIANA OF THE LANE." /></a> + + <h4>DIANA OF THE LANE.</h4><i>The Baroness</i> ... Mr. + ROBERT HALE. + </div> + + <p>The show is substantially new throughout—new songs, + new scenery, new japes, new acrobatics. A new Puss, too, as + well as new boots; and, without any reflection on little Miss + LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an adequate Puss of pantomime, we + may regret Miss RENÉE MAYER.</p> + + <p>Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still delights the curious with her + Swedish exercises in alt, and makes a very pretty lady of high + degree for a pantomime marquis, who is no other than Miss MADGE + TITHERADGE stepping down from the "legitimate" and bringing an + air and an elocution unusual and admirable. She made her + excellent speaking voice do duty in recitative for song, and + the innovation is not unpleasing. If it be fair in frivolous + public places to dig down to those thoughts that better lie too + deep for tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' <i>A Song of England</i>, + clear spoken by her with tenderness and spirit, is a better + instrument than most.</p> + + <p>Mr. HALE's <i>Baroness</i> challenges comparison with Mr. + GEORGE GRAVES's. She is perhaps more womanly ("no ordinary" + type), less grotesquely irrelevant and profane—though she + does her bit. On the other hand, she is more active and less + repetitive. When, the good fairy endowing her with beauty, she + appeared as DORIS KEANE in <i>Romance</i>, that was an + applauded stroke. And when she lied beneath the tree of truth + and the chestnuts fell each time truth was mishandled, thickest + of all when it was asserted that a certain Scotch comedian had + refused his salary, this was also very well received. On the + whole, then, a satisfactory Baroness.</p> + + <p>Mr. LUPINO (the miller's second son) is really an exquisite + droll, and I don't remember to have seen him in better form. He + has some of the authentic ingredients of the old circus + clown—a very valuable inheritance.</p> + + <p>Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to watch, always has that air + of enjoying himself immensely that is the readiest way to + favour. He seemed at times to be, as it were, looking wistfully + for his old pal, GRAVES; missed probably that companionable + nose and those reliable <i>da capos</i> which give such + opportunity for the manufacture of gags; whereas Mr. HALE is a + "thruster." But cooking the <i>recherché</i> dinner in the gas + cooker that becomes a tank, and putting up the blind and laying + the carpet—here was the WILL EVANS that the children of + all ages applaud.</p> + + <p>I always find the Lane big scenes and ballets more full of + competing colour and restless movement than of controlled + design. But the Hall of Fantasy, with its spiral staircases + reaching to the flies, was an ambitious effort crowned with + success. The dance of the eight tiny zanies was the best of the + ballet. The Shakspearean pageant at the end might be (1) + shortened, and (2) brightened by the characters throwing a + little more conviction into their respective + aspects—notably the ghost of <i>Hamlet's</i> father. + However, as a popular tercentenary tribute to "our Shakspeare" + the scheme is to be commended and was as such approved.</p> + + <p class="author">T.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The Executive of the German Sporting Clubs and Athletic + Associations have issued a manifesto expressing + satisfaction at the substitution of German for English + words and phrases. "German sport," it declares, "in future + places itself unreservedly on the side of those who would + further German Kultur. German Song and German Art will in + future find a home in German sport." This new patriotic + programme has been greatly applauded in the Press, the + <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> observing that the culture of + soul and body must proceed <i>pari passu</i>, with the + result that "not only will the German sportsman become a + beautiful body, but a beautiful soul as well. Every club + must have its library, not filled with sensational novels, + but with works of art. And before all else the club-house + must be architecturally beautiful—an object from + which he may obtain spiritual edification."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The German is seldom amusing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Since humour is hardly his forte,</p> + + <p>But I've frequently smiled in perusing</p> + + <p class="i2">His latest pronouncement on sport;</p> + + <p>For it seems that he thinks it the duty</p> + + <p class="i2">Of sportsmen to aim at the goal</p> + + <p>Of adding to bodily beauty</p> + + <p class="i2">A beauty of soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They've made a good start by proscribing</p> + + <p class="i2">All English and Anglicised terms,</p> + + <p>To counter the risk of imbibing</p> + + <p class="i2">Debased philological germs;</p> + + <p>And they've coined a new wonderful lingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which only a Teuton can talk,</p> + + <p>Resembling the yelp of a dingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">A cormorant's squawk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But in spite of his prowess Titanic,</p> + + <p class="i2">His marvellous physical gift,</p> + + <p>The soul of the athlete Germanic</p> + + <p class="i2">Still clamours for moral uplift;</p> + + <p>So we learn without any emotion</p> + + <p class="i2">That, his ultimate aim to secure,</p> + + <p>He must bathe in the bountiful ocean</p> + + <p class="i2">Of German <i>Kultur</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the process of character-building</p> + + <p class="i2">Hun Art (<i>Simplicissimus</i> + brand),</p> + + <p>With its <i>rococo</i> carving and gilding,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must ever advance hand in hand</p> + + <p>With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring</p> + + <p class="i2">And exquisite engine of Hate,</p> + + <p>Whose efforts we've all been admiring</p> + + <p class="i2">So largely of late.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly,</p> + + <p class="i2">The sportsman whom Germany needs</p> + + <p>Will help to exterminate quickly</p> + + <p class="i2">All weak and effeminate breeds;</p> + + <p>And, trained in the gospel of BISSING,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will cleave to the Hun decalogue</p> + + <p>Which rivets the link, rarely missing,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twixt him and the hog.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex; under parlourmaid kept; + Roman Catholic and spectacles objected to."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our own preference is for a Plymouth Sister with + <i>pince-nez</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Cook</i> (<i>who, after interview with prospective + mistress, is going to think it over</i>). "'ULLO! + PRAMBILATOR! IF YOU'D TOLD ME YOU 'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T + HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME."</p> + + <p><i>The Prospective Mistress</i>. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK + THE PLACE WOULD OTHERWISE SUIT YOU I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD + THE CHILDREN OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our optimist + conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the creation of + charming people and her rare talent for making them alive. But + I wonder if she is not refining her brilliant technique to the + point of occasional obscurity of intention. At least I know I + had to re-read a good many passages to be quite sure what was + in fact intended. An implied compliment, no doubt; but are all + readers so virtuous? ("or so dull?" quoth she). + <i>Hatchways</i> (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is one of those happily + comfortable, just right houses with a hostess, + <i>Ernestine</i>, whom everybody loves and nobody (save her + husband, and he not in this book) makes love to. Holmer, on the + other hand, is the adjoining ducal mansion with a distinctly + uncomfortable dowager still in command who can't even arrange + her dinner-parties and fails to marry her sons to the right + people. Perpetually Hatchways is wiping the eye of Holmer, and + this touches the nerve of the great lady. Her sons, + <i>Wickford</i>, the authentic but hardly reigning duke, and + <i>Lord Iveagh Suir</i>, the queer impressionable (on whom the + author has spent much pains to excellent effect), both take + their troubles to <i>Ernestine</i>. And a young French aviator + (this is a pre-War story), guest at Hatchways, analyses and + discusses situations and characters from his coign of + privilege—a device adroitly handled by the discreet + author, who adds two charming girls, coquette <i>Lise</i>, + <i>Iveagh's</i> first love, and wise, loyal, perceptive + <i>Bess</i>, whom he found at last. To those who appreciate + subtle portraiture let me commend this study.... I feel just as + if I had been for a long week-end at Hatchways, anxiously + wondering, as I write my "roofer," if I shall be so lucky as to + be asked again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me in + calling <i>The Flaming Sword</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) as + noble and absorbing a story of fine work finely done as any + that the War has produced. It is the history, told by herself, + of Mrs. ST. CLAIR STOBART's Red Cross Mission "in Serbia and + Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEORGE HANKIN's moving + picture of <i>The Lady of the Black Horse</i> (a name always to + be honoured among our Allies), catches the spirit of the heroic + tale and prepares you for what the <i>Lady</i> herself has to + tell. Mrs. STOBART is no sentimentalist; fighting and the + overcoming of obstacles are, one would say, congenial to her + mettle; time and again, even in the midst of her story of the + terrible retreat, with the German guns ever thundering nearer, + she can yet spare a moment to strike shrewdly and hard for her + own side in the other struggle towards feminine emancipation + which is always obviously close to her heart. Certainly she has + well earned the right to be heard with respect. Read this + high-spirited account of the difficulties—mud, disease, + prejudice, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> famine—through which + the writer brought her charge triumphantly to safety, and + you will be inclined, with me, to throw your critical cap + into the air and thank Heaven for such women of our race, + which would be to invite, not unsuccessfully, some withering + snub from the very lady you were endeavouring to praise. But + that can't be helped. Meantime of her exploit and the book + that recounts it I can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian + that I have gleaned from its pages—<i>Dobro, + Dobro!</i> For a translation of which you know where to + apply.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>So many battle books have been pouring from the press lately + that it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder still + to find something fresh to say of each; but <i>quot homines + tot</i> points of individual interest, and for those whose + concern lies more especially with the New Zealand Forces and + their campaigns I can very safely recommend a volume which the + official war correspondent to that contingent and his son have + jointly published under the title of <i>Light and Shade in + War</i> (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM ROSS who supplies + the light, and Mr. NOEL ROSS the shade, or <i>vice versa</i>, + we are given no means of ascertaining. Between them they have + certainly put together an agreeable patchwork of small and + easily read pieces, most of which have already appeared in + journalistic form. It is perhaps parental prejudice that makes + Mr. Punch consider the best of the bunch to be "Abdul," one of + three slight sketches that originally saw the light in his own + pages. <i>Abdul</i> is a joy, also a thief, a society + entertainer, and a Cairo hospital orderly. I can only hope that + the story of how he displayed his patient's sun-browned knees + as a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, who were + visiting the hospital, is at least founded on fact. The + publishers are entirely justified in saying that these + impressions, made often under actual fire, have both colour and + intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the campaign for popular + favour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>François Villon, His Life and Times</i> (HUTCHINSON) is + one of those fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long + vacant corner. So far as I know, with the exception perhaps of + STEVENSON's study, there has been no means by which the casual + reader, as apart from the student, could correct his probably + very vague ideas about the Father of Realism. Mr. H. DE VERE + STACPOOLE, approaching the subject not for the first time, here + essays a brief life and appreciation of the poet, told in + picturesque but simple style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity + is apt to appear overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that + the story is being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. + Apart from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. + STACPOOLE's vivid reconstruction of mediæval France, and the + Paris that sheltered VILLON himself, TABARY, MONTIGNY and the + others—that group of shadows whom we see only by the + lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries pass before + us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. Occasionally indeed + Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round the tapestry, even (one + might say) tears a hole in it and pushes his head through, with + a startling effect. But as he has always the good excuse of + sympathy with his subject one easily forgives him these + generous impulses. As I said before, a book that has had its + place long reserved.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If you happen to remember that most excellent book, + <i>Brother-in-Law to Potts</i>, you may recall that the + principal motive in it is the spiritualising influence of a + certain Lady Beautiful, very lightly and even intangibly + presented, on the lives of some other persons of a more + material clay. In <i>Obstacles</i> (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. + "PARRY TRUSCOTT" has returned to her previous subject, but with + the notable difference that she now traces the influence + brought in turn to bear upon the lady herself, who emerges from + her semi-divine obscurity to become the heroine of the story. + If in her background sketch of the munitions factory where + <i>Susannah</i> elects to work the writer does not trouble much + about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any + particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or shell + bodies, yet she does convey, with striking simplicity and + naturalness, the impression of a world at war, and for the rest + she is content to bring her heroine in contact with the lives + that are to affect her and the environment of comparative + poverty that is to help her to a decision. What that decision + was, and how unnecessary too, is sufficiently indicated if I + say that she was blessed with most understanding parents, who + positively preferred that her suitor should be a poor man. And + so the happy future that surely no authoress and most certainly + no male reader could have the heart to refuse to so delightful + a <i>Susannah</i> is available to complete a picture touched + throughout with singular grace and charm. In particular the + little snap-shots of two ideal family households, the one that + includes the heroine, and another, much humbler, which she + enters as an honoured guest, go to make this volume, all too + short though it is, one that I can recommend with quite unusual + pleasure and confidence.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/16.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Waitress</i>. "NO, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT + 'AS NO REASON TO THINK THAT LORD DEVONPORT REGARDS + BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS <i>TWO</i> COURSES." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Our Citizen Soldiers.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lord George H. Cholmondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse + Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor + in that Territorial Corps."—<i>Cheshire + Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate His Worship and also the Hotts.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (as + well as the choir) are invited to sit on the + orchestra."—<i>Western Morning News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large + stock. Please state size required, and we will quote best + cash terms."—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman + whose speciality is "Families Supplied."</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13903-h/images/1.png b/13903-h/images/1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..55c8ccf --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/1.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/10.png b/13903-h/images/10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25a53b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/10.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/11.png b/13903-h/images/11.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca4cf14 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/11.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/12.png b/13903-h/images/12.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7584fdb --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/12.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/13.png b/13903-h/images/13.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c6c80e --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/13.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/14.png b/13903-h/images/14.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fbd0e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/14.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/15.png b/13903-h/images/15.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..79284b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/15.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/16.png b/13903-h/images/16.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9f489c --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/16.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/3.png b/13903-h/images/3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcd0822 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/3.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/4.png b/13903-h/images/4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9352c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/4.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/5.png b/13903-h/images/5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..96a3a2c --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/5.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/7.png b/13903-h/images/7.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc1abdb --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/7.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/8.png b/13903-h/images/8.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de04151 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/8.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/9.png b/13903-h/images/9.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5e2997 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/9.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 3, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: October 31, 2004 [EBook #13903] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 3, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="Vol. CLii." /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MORE DISCIPLINE.</h2> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said Sergeant Wally, accepting one of my + cigarettes and readjusting his wounded leg,—"yes, Sir, + discipline's the thing. It's only when a man moves on the word + o' command, without waiting to think, that he becomes a really + reliable soldier. I remember, when I was a recruit, how they + put us through it. I'd been on the square about a week. I was a + fairly smart youngster, and I thought I was jumping to it just + like an old soldier, when the drill sergeant called me out of + the ranks. Look 'ere,' he said, 'if you think you're going to + make a fool o' me, standing about there till you choose to obey + the word o' command, you've made a big mistake.' I could 'a' + cried at the time, but I've been glad often enough since for + what the sergeant said that day. I've found that little bit of + gag useful myself many a time."</p> + + <p>I was meditating with sympathy upon the many victims of + Sergeant Wally's borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again.</p> + + <p>"When I first came up to London from the depôt," he said, + "I'd a brother, a corporal in the same battalion. You know as + well as I do, Sir, that as a matter o' discipline a corporal + doesn't have any truck with a private soldier, excepting in the + way of duties, and my brother didn't speak to me for the first + week. Then one day he called me up and said, 'It ain't the + thing for me to be going about with you, but as you're my + brother I'll go out with you to-night. Have yourself cleaned by + six o'clock.'</p> + + <p>"Well, I took all the money I'd got—about twelve + bob—and off we went.</p> + + <p>"We had a bit o' supper first at a place my brother knew of, + and a very good supper it was. My brother ordered it, but I + paid. Then we got a couple of cigars—at least, I did. + Then we went to a music-hall, me paying, of course. We had a + drink during the evening, and when we came out my brother said, + 'We'd better come in here and have a snack.'</p> + + <p>"'Well, I ain't got any money left,' I sez. My brother + looked at me a minute, and then he said, 'I don't know what + I've been thinking of, going about with you, you a private and + me a corporal. Be off 'ome !' And he stalks away.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. Thank you, I'll have + another cigarette."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Simpler Fashions in India.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride, who was given away by her father, looked + happy and handsome in a beautiful red fern + dress."—<i>Allahabad Pioneer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <h2>TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now with the New-born Year, when people issue</p> + + <p class="i2">Greetings appropriate to all + concerned,</p> + + <p>Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you</p> + + <p class="i2">Whatever peace of mind you may have + earned;</p> + + <p class="i6">It doesn't sound too fat,</p> + + <p>But you will have to be content with that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For you will get no other, though you ask it;</p> + + <p class="i2">No peace on diplomatic folios writ,</p> + + <p>Like what you chucked in your + waste-treaty-basket,</p> + + <p class="i2">Torn into fragments, bit by little + bit;</p> + + <p class="i6">In these rude times we shrink</p> + + <p>From vain expenditure of pulp and ink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You hoped to start a further scrap of paper</p> + + <p class="i2">And stretched a flattering paw in soft + appeal,</p> + + <p>Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr</p> + + <p class="i2">With velvet padding round your claws of + steel;</p> + + <p class="i6">A pretty piece of acting,</p> + + <p>But, ere we treat, those claws'll want + extracting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You thought that you had just to moot the + question</p> + + <p class="i2">And say you felt the closing hour had + come</p> + + <p>And we should simply jump at your suggestion</p> + + <p class="i2">And all the Hague with overtures would + hum;</p> + + <p class="i6">You'd but to call her up,</p> + + <p>And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Peace and War are twain (see <i>Chadband's</i> + platitude);</p> + + <p class="i2">War you could summon by your single + self,</p> + + <p>But Peace—for she adopts a stickier + attitude—</p> + + <p class="i2">Takes two to mobilise her off the + shelf;</p> + + <p class="i6">Unless one side's so weak</p> + + <p>That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When things are thus and you have had your + beating,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll talk and you can listen. Better + cheer</p> + + <p>I've none to offer you by way of greeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this should help you through the glad + New Year;</p> + + <p class="i6">It lacks for grace, I own,</p> + + <p>But let its true sincerity atone!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN EXTRA SPECIAL.</h2> + + <p>A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in + moderation. I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I + expect to be moderately bored. In fact a partner who flashed + through all the four hours might attract Zeppelins. But Granby! + In human endurance there is a point known as the limit. That is + Granby.</p> + + <p>Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity + made Granby a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense + their wisdom into sentences. Granby beats out his limited store + into orations.</p> + + <p>It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other + night and to find that the other specials had craftily left + Granby to be my partner. The results of unpunctuality are + sometimes hideous.</p> + + <p>Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I + may describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the + court the other day a very curious case came before me." He was + off. If Granby delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches + he recites to me the Government ought to intervene. No man + however guilty ought to have a sentence <i>and</i> one of + Granby's orations. He might be given the option. Personally, + for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to serve + the sentence.</p> + + <p>Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable + treble voice down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires + Burning." "Sounds like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to + investigate this." Had it been a couple of armed burglars I + should have welcomed their advent if it stopped Granby.</p> + + <p>We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the pavement + warbling Songs Without Melody.</p> + + <p>"Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was turned + on her.</p> + + <p>"A distinct case of intoxication <i>plus</i> incapability," + observed Granby. "We must take her to the station. You can + charge her. I have so many important engagements this week that + I can't spare time to be a witness."</p> + + <p>I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to be + thrust on me.</p> + + <p>"I also have many important engagements this week," I + replied.</p> + + <p>"This duty is to be taken seriously—" began + Granby.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see her + home. She can't stay here rousing the street."</p> + + <p>"That was what I was about to suggest as the proper course + for you when you interrupted me," said Granby. "Where do you + live?" he demanded.</p> + + <p>"Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore Uncle + Sam's been dead eleven years."</p> + + <p>"Come on," I said. "Get up and we'll see you home."</p> + + <p>The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and said + affectionately, "'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim in 'is best + days afore 'e got jugged!"</p> + + <p>Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think he + knew that I was smiling in the darkness.</p> + + <p>"Jus' like ole times, when we was courtin' together," + continued the lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze-topped + barmaid comin' between us, what might 'ave been! ah, what might + 'ave been!"</p> + + <p>This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing, "Come to + me, sweet Marie," with incidental attempts at a step-dance. The + <i>finale</i> brought us to Benbow Avenue.</p> + + <p>"I shall speak to her husband and caution him severely about + his wife's conduct," said Granby to me.</p> + + <p>I shrank into the background ready to move off directly the + oration began.</p> + + <p>Granby knocked at the door and it opened.</p> + + <p>"I have brought your wife home in a state—" he + began.</p> + + <p>"Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk while + you've been sitting guzzling by the fire?"</p> + + <p>"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the indignant + husband.</p> + + <p>"I am a magistrate and a special constable—" began + Granby.</p> + + <p>"More shame to you. It's the likes of you 'oo disgraces the + upper clarses."</p> + + <p>"Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. "Don't lower yourself + by talking to 'im. I never could abide a man as smelt o' gin + meself."</p> + + <p>The door slammed and Granby strode towards me.</p> + + <p>"The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I am + tempted to despair of the State when I think of it. The only + way is to let these occurrences pass into oblivion, to set + oneself resolutely to forget them as if they had never + been."</p> + + <p>I agreed; but since then Granby has always eyed me + curiously. I think he suspects that I am not forgetting + resolutely enough.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Field Officer writes: "Yesterday I was saluted by an + Australian private. It was a great day for me."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY." /></a> + + <h3>THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY.</h3>UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, + SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Enthusiast</i>. "AS A PATRIOT, MADAM, WILL YOU SIGN + THE ROLL OF HONOUR OF 'THE + NO-SUPERFLUOUS-TRAVEL-BUT-GIVE-UP-YOUR-SEATS-TO-SOLDIERS-AND-SAILORS-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE + LEAGUE'?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LIV.</h3> + + <p>My Dear Charles,—What about this Peace? I suppose + that, what with your nice new Governments and all, this is the + very last thing you are thinking of making at the moment. I + wouldn't believe that the old War was ever going to end at all + if it wasn't for the last expert and authoritative opinion I + hear has been expressed by our elderly barber in Fleet Street. + At the end of July, 1914, he told me confidentially, as he + snipped the short hairs at the back of my head, that there was + going to be no war; the whole thing was just going to fizzle + out. Now he says it is going to be a very, very long business, + as he always thought it would.</p> + + <p>I find it difficult to maintain consistently either the + detached point of view, in which one discusses it as if it was + a European hand of bridge, or the purely interested point of + view, in which one regards it only as a matter affecting one's + individual comfort. I know a Mess, well up in the Front where + they measure the mud by feet, in which they were discussing the + War raging at their front door as if it had nothing to do with + them beyond being a convenient thing to criticise. Men who were + then likely to be personally removed at any moment by it saw + nothing in the progress of it to be depressed about. As the + evening wore on and they all came to find that they knew much + more about the subject than they supposed, they were prepared + to increase the allowance of casualties in pressing the merits + of their own pet schemes. No gloom arose from the possibility + that this generous offer might well include their own health + and limbs. There was no gloom; there was even no desire to + change the subject. Indeed, the better to continue it they + called for something to drink. There was nothing to drink, + announced the Mess Orderly. Why was there nothing to drink? + asked the Mess President, advocate of enormous offensives on a + wide front for an indefinite period of years, if need be. The + Mess Orderly explained that more drink was on order, it had not + arrived because of difficulties of carriage. Why were there + difficulties of carriage? Because of the War. "Confound the + War," said the Mess President. "It really is the most infernal + nuisance."</p> + + <p>I know a Captain Jones, resident a cottage on the road to + the trenches (he calls this cottage his "Battle Box"), whose + mind was very violently moved from the impersonal to the + personal point of view by a quite trifling incident. He has one + upstairs room for office, bedroom, sitting, reception and + dining room. His meals are brought over to him by his servant + from an estaminet across the road over which his window looks. + The other morning he was standing at this window waiting for + his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine frosty day, made all the + brighter by the sound of approaching bagpipes. Troops were + about to march past, suggesting great national thoughts to + Jones and reminding him of the familiar details of his own more + active days. Jones prepared to enjoy himself.</p> + + <p>Colonels on horses, thought Jones as he contemplated, are + much of a muchness—always the look of the sahib about + them, the slightly proud, the slightly stuffy, the slightly + weather-beaten, the slightly affluent sahib. Company + Commanders, also on horses, but somehow or other not quite so + much on horses as the Colonels, are the same all the army + through—very confident of themselves, but hoping against + hope that there is nothing about their companies to catch the + Adjutant's eye. The Subaltern walks as he has always done, + lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that all is as it should + be, but feeling that if it isn't that is some one else's + trouble. Sergeants, Corporals, Lance-corporals and men have not + altered. The Sergeants relax on the march into something almost + bordering on friendliness towards their victims; the Corporals + thank Heaven that for the moment they are but men; the + Lance-corporals thank Heaven that always they are something + more than men, and the men have the look of having decided that + this is the last kilometre they'll ever footslog for anybody, + but while they are doing it they might as well be cheerful + about it. The regimental transport makes a change from the + regularity of column of route, and the comic relief is + provided, as it has always been and always will be provided + whatever the disciplinary martinets may say or do, by the + company cooks.</p> + + <p>This was a sight, thought Jones, he could watch for ever. He + was sorry when the battalion came at last to an end; he was + glad when another almost immediately began. He was in luck; + doubtless this was a brigade on the move. He proposed to have + his breakfast at the window, when it came as come it soon must, + thus refreshing his hungry body and his contemplative mind at + the same time. The second battalion, as the first, were fine + fellows all, suggesting the might of the Allies and the + futility of the enemy's protracted resistance. Again the comic + relief was provided by the travelling cuisine, reminding Jones + of the oddity of human affairs and the need of his own meal, + now sufficiently deferred.</p> + + <p>The progress of the Brigade was interrupted by the + intervention of a train of motor transport. Jones spent the + time of its passing in consulting his watch, wondering where + the devil was his breakfast and ascertaining that his servant + had indeed gone across the road for it at least forty minutes + ago.</p> + + <p>It was not until there came a break, after the first company + of the third battalion, that the reason of this delay became + apparent. There was his servant on the far side of the road, + and there was his breakfast in the servant's hand, all standing + to attention, as they should do when a column of troops was + passing....</p> + + <p>The remainder of that Brigade suggested no agreeable + thoughts to Captain Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in the + whole and nothing attractive in any detail of it. It was in + fact just a long and tiresome sequence of monotonous and + sheeplike individuals who really might have chosen some other + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> time and place for their silly + walks abroad. And as for the spirit of discipline + exemplified in the servant, who scrupled to defy red tape + and slip through at a convenient interval, this was nothing + else but the maddening ineptitude of all human conceits.</p> + + <p>A wonderful servant is that servant of Captain Jones; but + then they all are. Valet, cook, porter, boots, chambermaid, + ostler, carpenter, upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, + needlewoman, coal-heaver, diplomat, barber, linguist + (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete pantechnicon + and infallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very old + soldier, and a man of the most human kind. Jones came across + him in the earlier stages of the War, not in England and not in + France. The selection wasn't after the usual manner or upon the + usual references. He recommended himself to Jones by the + following incident:—</p> + + <p>A new regiment had come to the station; between them and the + old regiment, later to become the firmest friends, some little + difference of opinion had arisen and, upon the first meeting of + representative elements in the neighbouring town, there had + been words. Reports, as they reached Jones at the barracks some + four miles from the town, hinted at something more than words + still continuing. Jones, having reason to anticipate sequels on + the morrow, took the precaution of going round his company + quarters then, and there, to find which of his men, if any, + were not involved. "There's a fair scrap up in town," he heard + a man saying. As he entered, a second man was sitting up in bed + and asking, "Dost thou think it will be going on yet?" Hoping + for the best, he was for rising, dressing, walking four miles + and joining in.</p> + + <p>Jones stopped his enterprise that night, but engaged him for + servant next day. I don't know why, nor does he; but he was + right all the same. Yours ever, HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MY MAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HEART, + SIR."</p> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> "MY WORD! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, + SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will anyone knowing where to obtain the game of + 'Bounce' kindly inform A.T.?"—<i>Advt. in "The + Times."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"A.T." should address himself to the Imperial Palace at + Potsdam.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Suggested by an official notice of the L. & + N.W.R.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The whole vicinity of Hooley Hill</p> + + <p>Is smitten with a devastating chill,</p> + + <p>And the once cheerful neighbourhood of Pleck</p> + + <p>Has got the hump and got it in the neck.</p> + + <p>The residential gentry of Pont Rug</p> + + <p>No longer seem self-satisfied or smug,</p> + + <p>And the distressed inhabitants of Nantlle</p> + + <p>Are wrapped in discontent as in a mantle.</p> + + <p>Good folk who Halted once at Apsley Guise</p> + + <p>Are now afflicted with a sad surprise,</p> + + <p>While Oddington, another famous Halt,</p> + + <p>Is silent as a sad funereal vault;</p> + + <p>And the dejected denizens of Cheadle</p> + + <p>Look one and all as if they'd got the needle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Unfortunate Juxtaposition.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Dr. —— has RESUMED PRACTICE.</p> + + <p>—— AND ——, UNDERTAKERS."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="author"><i>West Australian</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>According to President WILSON Germany also claims to be + fighting for the freedom of the smaller nations. Her known + anxiety to free the small nations of South America from the + fetters of the Monroe Doctrine has impressed the PRESIDENT with + the correctness of this claim.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has gone and given away the + secret that Germany does not care a rap for the rights of the + little nations. It is this kind of blundering that sours your + transatlantic diplomatist.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>General JOFFRE has been made a Marshal of France. While + falling short of the absolute omnipotence of London's + Provost-Marshal the position is not without a certain + dignity.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The announcement that the Queen of HUNGARY's coronation robe + is to cost over £2,000 has had a distinctly unpleasant effect + upon the German people, who are wondering indignantly how + Belgium is to be indemnified if such extravagance is permitted + to continue.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that as the result of the drastic changes in + our railway service the publication of <i>Bradshaw's Guide</i> + may be delayed. At a time when it is of vital importance to + keep up the spirits of the nation the absence of one of our + best known humorous publications will be sorely felt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The failure of King CONSTANTINE to join with other neutrals + in urging peace on the belligerents must not be taken as + indicating that he is out of sympathy with the German + effort.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The County Council has after mature deliberation decided to + set aside ten acres of waste land for cultivation by allotment + holders. It is this ability to think in huge figures that + distinguishes the municipal from the purely individual + patriot.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In anticipation of a Peace Conference German agents at the + Hague have been making discreet inquiries after lodgings for + German delegates. The latter have expressed a strong preference + for getting in on the ground floor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The weighing of a recruit could not be completed at Mill + Hill, as the scales did not go beyond seventeen stone, and + indignation has been expressed in some quarters at the failure + of the official mind to adopt the simple expedient of weighing + as much as they could of him and then weighing the rest at a + second or, if necessary, a third attempt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that tradesmen's weekly books are to be + abolished. We have long felt that the absurd practice of paying + the fellows is a relic of the dark ages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The statement of a writer in a morning paper that Wednesday + night's fog "tasted like Stilton cheese" has attracted the + attention of the Food Controller, who is having an analysis + made with the view of determining its suitability for civilian + rations. We assume that it would rank as cheese and not count + in the calculation of courses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Austria has forbidden the importation of champagne, caviare + and oysters, and now that the horrors of war have thus been + thoroughly brought home to the populace it is expected that + public opinion in the Dual Monarchy will shortly force the + EMPEROR to make overtures to the Allies for a separate + peace.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a protest against being fined, a Tottenham man has + stopped his War Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after a + series of prolonged discussions with Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. + BONAR LAW has decided that the War can go on, subject to the + early introduction of certain economies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given permission to his tenants to + trap rabbits on the ducal estates. It is hoped that a taste of + real sport will cause many of the local residents, though above + military age, to volunteer for similar work on the West + Front.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The prisons in Berlin are said to be full of women who have + offended against the Food Laws, and in consequence of this many + deserving criminals are homeless.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A party of American literary and scientific gentlemen have + obtained permission to visit Egypt on a mission of research. In + view of the American craze for souvenir-hunting it is + anticipated that a special guard will be mounted over the + Pyramids.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'I am being overwhelmed with letters offering services + from all and sundry,' Mr. Chamberlain said yesterday.</p> + + <p>'As I haven't even appointed a private secretary at + present,' he added, 'it is obviously impossible for me even + to open them.'"—<i>Daily Sketch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We suppose the Censor must have told him what they were + about.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MUSCAT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An ancient castle crowns the hill</p> + + <p class="i2">That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay,</p> + + <p>Where, in the spacious days of old,</p> + + <p>Stout ALBUQUERQUE set his hold</p> + + <p>Dealing in slaves and silks and gold</p> + + <p class="i2">From Hormuz to Cathay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Dom has passed, the Arab rules;</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet still there fronts the morning + light</p> + + <p>Erect upon the crumbling wall</p> + + <p>The mast of some great Amiral,</p> + + <p>A trophy of the Portingall</p> + + <p class="i2">In some forgotten fight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wind blows damp, the sun shines hot,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ever on the Eastern shore,</p> + + <p>Faint envoys from the far monsoon,</p> + + <p>There in the gap the breakers croon</p> + + <p>Their old unchanging rhythmic rune</p> + + <p class="i2">(The noise is such a bore).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And week by week to climb that hill</p> + + <p class="i2">The SULTAN sends some sweating knave</p> + + <p>To scan the misty deep and hail</p> + + <p>With hoisted nag the smoky trail</p> + + <p>That means (hurrah!) the English mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">So we still rule the wave!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hurrah!—and yet what tales of woe!</p> + + <p class="i2">My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks,</p> + + <p>The long-drawn agony of strife,</p> + + <p>The daily toll of precious life,</p> + + <p>And a sad screed from my poor wife</p> + + <p class="i2">Of babes with chicken-pox.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All this it brings—yet brings therewith</p> + + <p class="i2">That which may help us bear and grin.</p> + + <p>"Boy, when you hear the boat's keel scrunch,</p> + + <p>Ask the mail officer to lunch;</p> + + <p>But give me time to peep at <i>Punch</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Before you let him in."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS.</h2> + + <h4>THE TAXI-MEN.</h4> + + <p>What (writes a returned traveller) has happened to London's + taxi-drivers? When I went away, not more than three months ago, + they occasionally stopped when they were hailed and were not + invariably unwilling to convey one hither and there. But now + ... With flags defiantly up, they move disdainfully along, and + no one can lure them aside. Where on these occasions are they + going? How do they make a living if the flag never comes down? + Are they always on their way to lunch, even late at night? Are + they always out of petrol? I can understand and admire the + independence that follows upon overwork; but when was their + overwork done? The only tenable theory that I have evolved is + that Lord NORTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> to absolutism is another + phenomenon of my absence) has engaged them all to patrol the + streets in his service.</p> + + <p>Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver, breaking free from this + bondage, answers a hail; but even then all is not necessarily + easy. This is the kind of thing:—</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. I want to go to Bedford Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). Where's that?</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. In Kensington.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. That's too far. I've got another job at + half-past four (<i>or</i> My petrol's run out).</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. If I gave you an extra shilling could you just + manage it?</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i> (<i>scowling</i>). All right. Jump + in.</p> + + <p>This that follows also happens so frequently as to be + practically the rule and not the exception:—</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. 12, Lexham Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. 12, Leicester Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. No; LEXHAM.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. 12, Lexham Road?</p> + + <p><i>You</i> (<i>shouting</i>). No; Lexham GARDENS!</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. What number?</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. TWELVE!</p> + + <p>To illustrate the power that the taxi-driver has been + wielding over London during the past week or so of mitigated + festivity, let me tell a true story. I was in a cab with my old + friend Mark, one of the most ferocious sticklers for efficiency + in underlings who ever sent for the manager. His maledictions + on bad waiters have led to the compulsory re-decorating of half + the restaurants of London months before their time, simply by + discolouring the walls with their intensity. Well, after + immense difficulty, Mark and I, bound for the West, induced a + driver to accept us as his fare, and took our places + inside.</p> + + <p>"He looks a decent capable fellow," said Mark, who prides + himself on his skill in physiognomy. "We ought to be there in a + quarter of an hour."</p> + + <p>But we did not start. First the engine was cold. Then, that + having consented and the flag being lowered, a fellow-driver + asked our man to help him with his tail-light. He did so with + the utmost friendliness and deliberation. Then they both went + to the back of our cab to see how our tail-light was doing, and + talked about tail-lights together, and how easy it was to jolt + them out, and how difficult it was to know whether they had + been jolted out or not, and how jolly careful one had to be + nowadays with so many blooming regulations and restrictions and + things.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Mark was becoming purple with suppressed rage, for + the clock was ticking and all this wasted time should, in a + decently-managed world, have belonged to us. But he dared not + let himself go. It was a pitiful sight—this strong man + repressing impulse. At any moment I expected to see him dash + his arm through the window and tell the driver what he thought + of him; but he did not. He did nothing; but I could hear his + blood boil.</p> + + <p>Then at last our man mounted the box, and just at that + moment (this is an absolutely true story) it chanced that an + errand-boy asked him the way to Panton Street, and he got down + from the box and walked quite a little way with the boy to show + him. And while he was away the engine stopped. It was then that + poor Mark performed one of the most heroic feats of his life. + He still sat still; but I seemed to see his hat rising and + falling, as did the lid of WATT's kettle on that historic + evening which led to so much railway trouble, from strikes and + sandwiches to <i>Bradshaw</i>. Still he said nothing. Nor did + he speak until the engine had been started again and we were + really on our way and thoroughly late. "If it had only been in + normal times," he said grimly, "how I should have let that man + have it. But one simply mustn't. It's terrible, but they've got + us by the short hairs!"</p> + + <p>No doubt of that.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>to maid who has asked for a + rise</i>). "WHY, MARY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH + AS THAT."</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. "WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK + OUT WITH HAS JUST GOT A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I + SHALL BE OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO HIM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" + id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/8.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/8.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Gretchen</i>. "WILL IT NEVER END? THINK OF OUR AWFUL + RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY."</p> + + <p><i>Hans</i>. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY + MEAL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>V.</h4> + + <h4><i>From "The Piræus Pictorial."</i></h4> + + <h4>GET A MOVE ON.</h4> + + <h4><i>By Mr. Demosthenes.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>The brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who has been + aptly styled "the leading light of the democracy," + contributes what is perhaps the most wonderful and powerful + article which we have had the pleasure of publishing from + his trenchant pen.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Words won't do it, my friends. We don't want speeches. We + want <i>action</i>. I ask you to give the Buskers socks. Kick + this Chorus of Five Hundred out of the orchestra. Ostrichise + the Government! Give them the bird!</p> + + <p>If I read my countrymen aright (and who does if I don't?), + what they are saying now is, "We must have a definite plan of + strong action. We are not going to fight any longer with + speeches and despatches." That's the way, Athenians! Good luck + to you! Zeus bless you. And the same to you, Tommy Hoplites and + Jack Nautes, and many of them! <i>You</i> don't mean PHILIP to + be Tyrant of Athens, do you? <i>You</i>'re not going to have + him turning our beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry stable? + <i>You</i>'re not going to see the Barbarians hanging up their + shields on the dear old statue of Athene. Of course you're not. + When I walk through the city and see, as I pass the houses of + my humbler brethren, the neat respectable little altars and the + good old well-used wine-presses (which I never do without + breathing a little prayer, uncantingly, straight from the + heart), I say, "It's a foul calumny to pretend that the people + are not all right. They are, Zeus bless 'em! All they are + waiting for is a lead. And action!"</p> + + <p>We've got to have a strong policy, my friends, and my tip to + you is—"Trust the Army! Curse the politicians!" It's no + use sitting still while ÆSCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You and + I, my brothers and sisters, as I'm proud to call you, <i>we</i> + don't spout, do we? We mean business! <i>And PHILIP means + business too</i>! At any moment he may come down on us and + devastate our quiet picturesque little demes which we all love + so well and get disgustingly drunk on <i>our</i> wine. So give + us the word, ÆSCHINES AND Co.—not many words, please, but + just <i>one</i> word—and we'll tackle him as he ought to + be tackled and put a pinch of Attic salt on his tail. We don't + want <i>this</i> PHILIP, but we <i>do</i> want a fillip of our + own. Meanwhile, are we downhearted? I <i>don't</i> think.</p> + + <p>(<i>Another powerful philippic by Mr. Demosthenes next + week.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>What to do with our Prisoners.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 + Germans; limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds + military hospital."—<i>Bazaar</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer <i>Spyros</i> + lacks confirmation."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always had our doubts about the report.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with + the goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely + recognized that it was bad policy to kill + him."—<i>G.B. Shaw in "The Times</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away + from the sex-problem.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FREMDENBLATT.—Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day + that the Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they + rejected Germany's terms."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + <p>But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a + sling.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK." /></a> + + <h3>AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK.</h3>BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR + CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <h2>HIS MASTER'S VOICE.</h2> + + <h4>FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am the White House typewriter!</p> + + <p>I am the Voice of the People</p> + + <p>And then some!</p> + + <p>I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends,</p> + + <p>All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN,</p> + + <p>Who has a megaphone of his own.</p> + + <p>I am the soul of a great free people!</p> + + <p>Hence the <i>vers libre</i></p> + + <p>Which breathes the spirit of Democracy</p> + + <p>Because anybody can do it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who secured a second term of office for my master, + President WILSON?</p> + + <p>Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General + HARRISON GRAY OTIS?</p> + + <p>It was not.</p> + + <p>It was I!</p> + + <p>Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel + HOUSE and nearly as useless as Senator WORKS,</p> + + <p>But as my master only works me with one thumb</p> + + <p>(For fear of saying something that might have to be + explained away)</p> + + <p>I do very nicely.</p> + + <p>And when it comes to throwing the bull</p> + + <p>I am the real Peruvian doughnuts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I was new once, but obscure,</p> + + <p>Wasting my freshness on a <i>Life of Jefferson</i> + (extinct)</p> + + <p>And a <i>History of the United States</i>,</p> + + <p>Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and + the MCCLURE Syndicate</p> + + <p>Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back + page of provincial newspapers</p> + + <p>Along with <i>Dainty Diapers</i> and <i>Why I Love + the Movies</i>, by MARY PICKFORD.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am the Defender of Liberties!</p> + + <p>Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it + again;</p> + + <p>Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms + when the British Navy threatened to interfere with + business.</p> + + <p>Next to Mr. LANSING,</p> + + <p>Who is said to use a Blickensderfer,</p> + + <p>I am the hottest little protester in + Protestville,</p> + + <p>And in consequence nobody loves me,</p> + + <p>Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor + WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST;</p> + + <p>Nor even <i>The Spectator</i>,</p> + + <p>Which never did like Democrats, anyway.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now I am the Harbinger of Peace</p> + + <p>By special request.</p> + + <p>Imperial Germany,</p> + + <p>Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled + potatoes,</p> + + <p>Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter + annihilation,</p> + + <p>And the prayer is echoed</p> + + <p>By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals.</p> + + <p>So my keys tap out the glad message</p> + + <p>Of friendship for all and trouble for none.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I ask them what they are fighting about,</p> + + <p>And if it is really true that Belgium has been + invaded,</p> + + <p>And propose that we should all get together and talk + it over</p> + + <p>Nice and quietly over tea and muffins</p> + + <p>And away from all the nasty blood and noise.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus I address them,</p> + + <p>And humane Germany</p> + + <p>Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply + with my request;</p> + + <p>But the stiff-necked Entente,</p> + + <p>With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the + LINCOLN person at his worst,</p> + + <p>Merely utter joint and several sentiments</p> + + <p>The substance and effect of which appear to be</p> + + <p>"Nix!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">ALGOL.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bill</i> (<i>coming to after a shell has hit his + dug-out</i>). "HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?"</p> + + <p><i>William</i>. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL."</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' + WILLIAM?"</p> + + <p><i>William</i>. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL."</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT + SNOW OR DAISIES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ONLY REGRET.</h2> + + <h4>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h4> + + <p>Once upon a time a man lay dying.</p> + + <p>He was dying very much at his ease, for he had had enough of + it all.</p> + + <p>None the less they brought a priest, who stretched his face + a yard long and spoke from his elastic-sided boots.</p> + + <p>"This is a solemn moment," said the priest. "But sooner or + later it comes to us all. You are fortunate in having all your + faculties."</p> + + <p>The dying man smiled grimly.</p> + + <p>"Is there any wrong that you have done that you wish + redressed?" the priest asked.</p> + + <p>"None that I can remember," said the dying man.</p> + + <p>"But you are sorry for such wrong as you have done?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know that I am," said the dying man. "I was a very + poor hand at doing wrong. But there are some so-called good + deeds that I could wish undone which are still bearing evil + fruit."</p> + + <p>The priest looked pained. "But you would not hold that you + have not been wicked?" he said.</p> + + <p>"Not conspicuously enough to worry about," replied the + other. "Most of my excursions into what you would call + wickedness were merely attempts to learn more about this + wonderful world into which we are projected. It's largely a + matter of temperament, and I've been more attracted by the + gentle things than the desperate. Strange as you may think it, + I die without fear."</p> + + <p>"But surely there are matters for regret in your life?" the + priest, who was a conscientious man, inquired earnestly.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said the dying man. "Regret? That's another matter. + Have I no occasion for regret? Have I not? Have I not?"</p> + + <p>The priest cheered up. "For opportunities lost," he said. + "The lost opportunities—how sad a theme, how melancholy a + retrospect! Tell me of them."</p> + + <p>"I said nothing about lost opportunities," the dying man + replied; "I said that there was much to regret, and there is; + but there were no opportunities that in this particular I + neglected. They simply did not present themselves often + enough."</p> + + <p>"Tell me of this sorrow," said the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> priest. "Perhaps I may be + able to comfort you."</p> + + <p>The dying man again smiled his grim smile. "My greatest + regret," he said, "and one, unhappily, that could never be + remedied, even if I lived to be a thousand, is—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning nearer.</p> + + <p>"Is," said the dying man, "that I have known so few + children."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Sentry</i> (<i>for the second time, after officer has + answered "Friend," and come up close</i>). "HALT! WHO GOES + THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Officer.</i> "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?"</p> + + <p><i>Sentry.</i> "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIR, I'M SURE. I'M + A STRANGER HERE MYSELF."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"ABSENTEE ARRESTED.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shann on a lighter in + the Old Harbour. He failed to produce his registration card + and could offer no reason why he had not reported for + service. Subsequently he said he was 422 years of + age."—<i>Hull Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Passed for centenarian duty.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk cart; to live + in."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He will at least have the advantage of living close to his + work.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"THE BHAKTHI MARGA PRASANGA SABHA.—At Nagappa + Chetty Pillayar Vasantha Mantapam, 322 Thumbu Chetty + Street, Georgetown, to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi + Chidambara Bhagavathar will give a harikatha on + 'Pittukkumansuman tha Thiruvilayadal.'" <i>Madras + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We like the words and should be glad to hear the tune.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2> + + <h3>(SECOND SERIES.)</h3> + + <h4>XII.</h4> + + <h4>CHERRY GARDENS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where d'ye buy your earrings,</p> + + <p>Your pretty bobbing earrings,</p> + + <p>Where d'ye buy your earrings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Moll and Sue and Nan?</p> + + <p>In the Cherry Gardens</p> + + <p>They sell 'em eight a penny,</p> + + <p>And let you eat as many</p> + + <p class="i2">As ever you can.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Moll's are ruddy coral,</p> + + <p>Sue's are glossy jet,</p> + + <p>Nan's are yellow ivory,</p> + + <p class="i2">Swinging on their stems.</p> + + <p>O you lucky damsels</p> + + <p>To get in Cherry Gardens</p> + + <p>Earrings for your fardens</p> + + <p class="i2">Comelier than gems!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>XIII.</h4> + + <h4>NEWINGTON BUTTS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bung is lost from Newington Butts!</p> + + <p>The beer is running in all the ruts,</p> + + <p>The gutters are swimming, the Butts are dry,</p> + + <p>Lackadaisy! and so am I.</p> + + <p>Who was the thief that stole the bung?</p> + + <p>I shall go hopping the day he's hung!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>XIV.</h4> + + <h4>NINE ELMS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nine Elms in a ring:</p> + + <p>In One I saw a Robin swing,</p> + + <p>In Two a Peacock spread his tail,</p> + + <p>In Three I heard the Nightingale,</p> + + <p>In Four a White Owl hid with craft,</p> + + <p>In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed,</p> + + <p>In Six a Wood-dove croodled low,</p> + + <p>In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow,</p> + + <p>In Eight a million Starlings flew,</p> + + <p>In Nine a Cuckoo said, "Cuckoo!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers + wanted."—<i>Manchester Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Are these the first-fruits of the new Food Control?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From battalion orders:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Men transferred from Command Depôt will be fed up to + the day of departure."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even commanding officers occasionally have a glimpse of the + obvious.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In expressing regret that we had dropped the word + 'culture' out of our vocabulary because of Germany, the + Archdeacon of Middlesex gave the following + definitions:—</p> + + <p>'Kultur'—Had for 'Culture.'—A word its god + the State, and which describes a was practically spirit of + sympathy materialism, the result with all that is beaubeing + simply mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, and + pure."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even now it is not very clear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/12.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12.png" + alt="Jan and Jarge" /></a> + + <p><i>Jan</i> (<i>repeating the Question for the tenth time + in two hours</i>). "'AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, + JARGE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i> (<i>answering the question for the tenth + time in two hours</i>). "NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR + SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jan</i>. "NOA. DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i>. "NOA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT + SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jan</i>. "NOA."</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i>. "THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHOKING THEM OFF.</h2> + + <p>It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by + the railway companies with a view to "discourage unnecessary + travelling" prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more + stringent character, may be resorted to. By the courtesy of an + official we are able to give details of some further + innovations that have been suggested.</p> + + <p>(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be + specially trained to answer all enquiries from civilian + passengers in an ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner.</p> + + <p>Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the + correct form of reply to such questions as, "Can I take this + train to Rugby?" The answer in this case will convey a jocular + suggestion that the task is best left to the engine-driver; and + others in the same style.</p> + + <p>In all cases of urgency the formula "Wait and see" to be + freely employed for purposes of discouragement.</p> + + <p>(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as + those to Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to + be struck off, which will be disposed of by public auction to + the highest bidder.</p> + + <p>(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) + take place between stations, preference to be given to the + interior of tunnels. All artificial light will then be cut off, + and the officials of the train will run up and down the + corridors howling like wolves.</p> + + <p>(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller + (as "Margate") it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to + reply, "I double Margate"; when his opponent, the public, must + either pay twice the already increased fare or forfeit the + journey.</p> + + <p>(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the + station refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised. A return + to be made to the more "discouraging" models of fifty years + ago, which will be specially manufactured under the supervision + of the Ministry of Munitions.</p> + + <p>(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places + on the company's service at present exhibited in the + compartments to be removed, and in place of them the frames to + be filled with such chastening subjects as "Marine Drive at + Slushboro' on a Wet Evening," "No Bathing To-day" (Bude), or + "Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill at the Hotel Superb, + Shrimpville." It is felt that if this last item does not cause + people to stop at home nothing will.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <h4>"GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE ZOO.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Lieutenant-General Sir W.R. Robertson, Chief of the + Imperial General Staff, was unanimously elected an hon. + member of the Zoological Society of London at the December + general meeting."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be raised in the + courtyards of houses in Rome."—<i>Daily + Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And we are now confidently expecting some "Lays of Modern + Rome."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"£5 REWARD,—Lost, on November 28th, in Kensington, + BLACK ABERDEEN TERRIER, name 'Cinders' on collar, also + Lt.-Col. —— and badge of S.W.B. + Regiment.—Kindly return to Mrs. + ——."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Let us hope the Colonel at least has found his way home.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>ULTIMUS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His shape was domed and his colour brown,</p> + + <p>And I took him up and I get him down</p> + + <p>In the lamp's full light, in the very front of + it,</p> + + <p>Ready and glad to bear the brunt of it;</p> + + <p>And then, having raised my hand and blessed him,</p> + + <p>I thus in appropriate words addressed + him:—</p> + + <p>"Oh, soon to be numbered with the dead,</p> + + <p>Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I said,</p> + + <p>"Prepare to vanish this very day</p> + + <p>And go to your doom the silent way.</p> + + <p>For DEVONPORT's Lord will soon decree,</p> + + <p>With his eye on you and his eye on me,</p> + + <p>That you're only a useless luxury;</p> + + <p>And, since the War on the whole continues,</p> + + <p>We must tighten our belts and brace our sinews,</p> + + <p>And give up the things we liked before,</p> + + <p>And never, like <i>Oliver</i>, ask for more.</p> + + <p>Since this is so and the War endures,</p> + + <p>I am bound to abandon you and yours,</p> + + <p>And wherever I meet you I must frown</p> + + <p>On your sweet white core and your coat of brown.</p> + + <p>But no, since you are the only one,</p> + + <p>The last of a line that is spent and done,</p> + + <p>I shall give myself pleasure once again</p> + + <p>And set you free from a life of pain.</p> + + <p>Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch you,</p> + + <p>My lonely friend, and to crunch and munch you."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So saying I smiled in a sort of dream</p> + + <p>On my absolute ultimate chocolate-cream;</p> + + <p>Then swiftly I reached my hand to get him</p> + + <p>And popped him into my mouth and ate him.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13.png" + alt="Two Burglars." /></a> + + <p><i>First Burglar</i>. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT + THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS + AT ALL FOR I NEVER COULD SEE."</p> + + <p><i>Second Burglar</i>. "COMB 'EM OUT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. + COMB 'EM OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TACTICS.</h2> + + <p>"Maman! à quel saint prie-t-on—" began Jeanne. Ah! but + no, a recollection flashed across her mind and was reinforced + by other memories. "J'en ai fini avec les saints," she mused, + proceeding to the other end of the room where, full of + intention, she busied herself among some books. Yes, she was + now quite disillusioned; that latest blow, on her recent tenth + birthday, had confirmed finally her long-growing + suspicion—prayer to the saints was unavailing.</p> + + <p>After a time; "Maman, pour que Papa vienne en permission à + qui faut-il que l'on s'adresse?"</p> + + <p>"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais, ma fi-fille, tu + sais...!"</p> + + <p>Jeanne, with an air of having something to decide for + herself, paid no heed, but resumed the study of her + picture-book description of the French Army, murmuring: "Un + colonel—est-ce que c'est comme un saint, ou bien est-ce + que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-même?"</p> + + <p>Some moments of deep silence spent in intense study ended + with a triumphant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was exactly what she + had wished to discover, the very source of power. "'Les + officiers attachés à un général pour l'exécution et la + transmission de ses ordres,'" re-read Jeanne, and commented, + "Et tout cela s'appelle l'<i>é-tat ma-jor</i> du général. Bon! + c'est bien comme je le pensais; c'est le général qui est à la + tête de tout."</p> + + <p>Her course was now quite clear. She urged and encouraged + herself: "Il faut absolument que Papa vienne en permission. + <i>Je—le—veux!</i>" And, that her intentions might + not be thwarted, absolute secrecy must be maintained, at least + in so far as the chapter relating to her terrestrial tactics + was concerned; no one would oppose intercession <i>auprès du + bon Dieu</i>.</p> + + <p>"Il faut m'adresser à tous les deux en même temps," + pronounced Jeanne, taking a sheet of note-paper. "J'écris + directement au général" (since time and space have to be + allowed for in earthly negotiations, the order must be + thus)—"et je prie le bon Dieu en personne." That both + positions should be assailed simultaneously, operations must be + begun in this quarter in the morning, at the hour of the first + postal delivery.</p> + + <p>"Point de saints, ni de colonels—maintenant je + comprends—l'<i>é-tat-ma-jor</i> dans l'Armée et les + saints au Paradis, c'est tout comme!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h4>"PUSS IN NEW BOOTS."</h4> + + <p>Five hours is a great space out of a man's life, but that + was precisely the time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to present + his <i>Puss in New Boots</i>, so that I had leisure to study + the book of the words, sold shamelessly to the unsuspecting (of + whom I was not one), and compare the rough sketches of our + three standard authors of the Lane, Messrs. COLLINS, SIMS and + DIX with the version, by no manner of means final, of the + comedians. A pantomime book is on the whole rather a mournfully + unsubtle document. The thing is frankly not meant to be read + when the blood is cool. It is the Action, Action and again + Action of such hefty knock-abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE + and STANLEY LUPINO that makes the dry bones live and the old + squibs crackle. And it is good fun to watch the audience at + their share of authorship, setting the seal of their approval + upon the happy wheeze, the well-contrived business, and + blue-pencilling with their silence the wash-out or the too + obscure allusion.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="DIANA OF THE LANE." /></a> + + <h4>DIANA OF THE LANE.</h4><i>The Baroness</i> ... Mr. + ROBERT HALE. + </div> + + <p>The show is substantially new throughout—new songs, + new scenery, new japes, new acrobatics. A new Puss, too, as + well as new boots; and, without any reflection on little Miss + LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an adequate Puss of pantomime, we + may regret Miss RENÉE MAYER.</p> + + <p>Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still delights the curious with her + Swedish exercises in alt, and makes a very pretty lady of high + degree for a pantomime marquis, who is no other than Miss MADGE + TITHERADGE stepping down from the "legitimate" and bringing an + air and an elocution unusual and admirable. She made her + excellent speaking voice do duty in recitative for song, and + the innovation is not unpleasing. If it be fair in frivolous + public places to dig down to those thoughts that better lie too + deep for tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' <i>A Song of England</i>, + clear spoken by her with tenderness and spirit, is a better + instrument than most.</p> + + <p>Mr. HALE's <i>Baroness</i> challenges comparison with Mr. + GEORGE GRAVES's. She is perhaps more womanly ("no ordinary" + type), less grotesquely irrelevant and profane—though she + does her bit. On the other hand, she is more active and less + repetitive. When, the good fairy endowing her with beauty, she + appeared as DORIS KEANE in <i>Romance</i>, that was an + applauded stroke. And when she lied beneath the tree of truth + and the chestnuts fell each time truth was mishandled, thickest + of all when it was asserted that a certain Scotch comedian had + refused his salary, this was also very well received. On the + whole, then, a satisfactory Baroness.</p> + + <p>Mr. LUPINO (the miller's second son) is really an exquisite + droll, and I don't remember to have seen him in better form. He + has some of the authentic ingredients of the old circus + clown—a very valuable inheritance.</p> + + <p>Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to watch, always has that air + of enjoying himself immensely that is the readiest way to + favour. He seemed at times to be, as it were, looking wistfully + for his old pal, GRAVES; missed probably that companionable + nose and those reliable <i>da capos</i> which give such + opportunity for the manufacture of gags; whereas Mr. HALE is a + "thruster." But cooking the <i>recherché</i> dinner in the gas + cooker that becomes a tank, and putting up the blind and laying + the carpet—here was the WILL EVANS that the children of + all ages applaud.</p> + + <p>I always find the Lane big scenes and ballets more full of + competing colour and restless movement than of controlled + design. But the Hall of Fantasy, with its spiral staircases + reaching to the flies, was an ambitious effort crowned with + success. The dance of the eight tiny zanies was the best of the + ballet. The Shakspearean pageant at the end might be (1) + shortened, and (2) brightened by the characters throwing a + little more conviction into their respective + aspects—notably the ghost of <i>Hamlet's</i> father. + However, as a popular tercentenary tribute to "our Shakspeare" + the scheme is to be commended and was as such approved.</p> + + <p class="author">T.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The Executive of the German Sporting Clubs and Athletic + Associations have issued a manifesto expressing + satisfaction at the substitution of German for English + words and phrases. "German sport," it declares, "in future + places itself unreservedly on the side of those who would + further German Kultur. German Song and German Art will in + future find a home in German sport." This new patriotic + programme has been greatly applauded in the Press, the + <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> observing that the culture of + soul and body must proceed <i>pari passu</i>, with the + result that "not only will the German sportsman become a + beautiful body, but a beautiful soul as well. Every club + must have its library, not filled with sensational novels, + but with works of art. And before all else the club-house + must be architecturally beautiful—an object from + which he may obtain spiritual edification."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The German is seldom amusing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Since humour is hardly his forte,</p> + + <p>But I've frequently smiled in perusing</p> + + <p class="i2">His latest pronouncement on sport;</p> + + <p>For it seems that he thinks it the duty</p> + + <p class="i2">Of sportsmen to aim at the goal</p> + + <p>Of adding to bodily beauty</p> + + <p class="i2">A beauty of soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They've made a good start by proscribing</p> + + <p class="i2">All English and Anglicised terms,</p> + + <p>To counter the risk of imbibing</p> + + <p class="i2">Debased philological germs;</p> + + <p>And they've coined a new wonderful lingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which only a Teuton can talk,</p> + + <p>Resembling the yelp of a dingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">A cormorant's squawk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But in spite of his prowess Titanic,</p> + + <p class="i2">His marvellous physical gift,</p> + + <p>The soul of the athlete Germanic</p> + + <p class="i2">Still clamours for moral uplift;</p> + + <p>So we learn without any emotion</p> + + <p class="i2">That, his ultimate aim to secure,</p> + + <p>He must bathe in the bountiful ocean</p> + + <p class="i2">Of German <i>Kultur</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the process of character-building</p> + + <p class="i2">Hun Art (<i>Simplicissimus</i> + brand),</p> + + <p>With its <i>rococo</i> carving and gilding,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must ever advance hand in hand</p> + + <p>With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring</p> + + <p class="i2">And exquisite engine of Hate,</p> + + <p>Whose efforts we've all been admiring</p> + + <p class="i2">So largely of late.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly,</p> + + <p class="i2">The sportsman whom Germany needs</p> + + <p>Will help to exterminate quickly</p> + + <p class="i2">All weak and effeminate breeds;</p> + + <p>And, trained in the gospel of BISSING,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will cleave to the Hun decalogue</p> + + <p>Which rivets the link, rarely missing,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twixt him and the hog.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex; under parlourmaid kept; + Roman Catholic and spectacles objected to."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our own preference is for a Plymouth Sister with + <i>pince-nez</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Cook</i> (<i>who, after interview with prospective + mistress, is going to think it over</i>). "'ULLO! + PRAMBILATOR! IF YOU'D TOLD ME YOU 'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T + HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME."</p> + + <p><i>The Prospective Mistress</i>. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK + THE PLACE WOULD OTHERWISE SUIT YOU I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD + THE CHILDREN OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our optimist + conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the creation of + charming people and her rare talent for making them alive. But + I wonder if she is not refining her brilliant technique to the + point of occasional obscurity of intention. At least I know I + had to re-read a good many passages to be quite sure what was + in fact intended. An implied compliment, no doubt; but are all + readers so virtuous? ("or so dull?" quoth she). + <i>Hatchways</i> (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is one of those happily + comfortable, just right houses with a hostess, + <i>Ernestine</i>, whom everybody loves and nobody (save her + husband, and he not in this book) makes love to. Holmer, on the + other hand, is the adjoining ducal mansion with a distinctly + uncomfortable dowager still in command who can't even arrange + her dinner-parties and fails to marry her sons to the right + people. Perpetually Hatchways is wiping the eye of Holmer, and + this touches the nerve of the great lady. Her sons, + <i>Wickford</i>, the authentic but hardly reigning duke, and + <i>Lord Iveagh Suir</i>, the queer impressionable (on whom the + author has spent much pains to excellent effect), both take + their troubles to <i>Ernestine</i>. And a young French aviator + (this is a pre-War story), guest at Hatchways, analyses and + discusses situations and characters from his coign of + privilege—a device adroitly handled by the discreet + author, who adds two charming girls, coquette <i>Lise</i>, + <i>Iveagh's</i> first love, and wise, loyal, perceptive + <i>Bess</i>, whom he found at last. To those who appreciate + subtle portraiture let me commend this study.... I feel just as + if I had been for a long week-end at Hatchways, anxiously + wondering, as I write my "roofer," if I shall be so lucky as to + be asked again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me in + calling <i>The Flaming Sword</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) as + noble and absorbing a story of fine work finely done as any + that the War has produced. It is the history, told by herself, + of Mrs. ST. CLAIR STOBART's Red Cross Mission "in Serbia and + Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEORGE HANKIN's moving + picture of <i>The Lady of the Black Horse</i> (a name always to + be honoured among our Allies), catches the spirit of the heroic + tale and prepares you for what the <i>Lady</i> herself has to + tell. Mrs. STOBART is no sentimentalist; fighting and the + overcoming of obstacles are, one would say, congenial to her + mettle; time and again, even in the midst of her story of the + terrible retreat, with the German guns ever thundering nearer, + she can yet spare a moment to strike shrewdly and hard for her + own side in the other struggle towards feminine emancipation + which is always obviously close to her heart. Certainly she has + well earned the right to be heard with respect. Read this + high-spirited account of the difficulties—mud, disease, + prejudice, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> famine—through which + the writer brought her charge triumphantly to safety, and + you will be inclined, with me, to throw your critical cap + into the air and thank Heaven for such women of our race, + which would be to invite, not unsuccessfully, some withering + snub from the very lady you were endeavouring to praise. But + that can't be helped. Meantime of her exploit and the book + that recounts it I can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian + that I have gleaned from its pages—<i>Dobro, + Dobro!</i> For a translation of which you know where to + apply.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>So many battle books have been pouring from the press lately + that it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder still + to find something fresh to say of each; but <i>quot homines + tot</i> points of individual interest, and for those whose + concern lies more especially with the New Zealand Forces and + their campaigns I can very safely recommend a volume which the + official war correspondent to that contingent and his son have + jointly published under the title of <i>Light and Shade in + War</i> (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM ROSS who supplies + the light, and Mr. NOEL ROSS the shade, or <i>vice versa</i>, + we are given no means of ascertaining. Between them they have + certainly put together an agreeable patchwork of small and + easily read pieces, most of which have already appeared in + journalistic form. It is perhaps parental prejudice that makes + Mr. Punch consider the best of the bunch to be "Abdul," one of + three slight sketches that originally saw the light in his own + pages. <i>Abdul</i> is a joy, also a thief, a society + entertainer, and a Cairo hospital orderly. I can only hope that + the story of how he displayed his patient's sun-browned knees + as a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, who were + visiting the hospital, is at least founded on fact. The + publishers are entirely justified in saying that these + impressions, made often under actual fire, have both colour and + intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the campaign for popular + favour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>François Villon, His Life and Times</i> (HUTCHINSON) is + one of those fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long + vacant corner. So far as I know, with the exception perhaps of + STEVENSON's study, there has been no means by which the casual + reader, as apart from the student, could correct his probably + very vague ideas about the Father of Realism. Mr. H. DE VERE + STACPOOLE, approaching the subject not for the first time, here + essays a brief life and appreciation of the poet, told in + picturesque but simple style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity + is apt to appear overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that + the story is being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. + Apart from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. + STACPOOLE's vivid reconstruction of mediæval France, and the + Paris that sheltered VILLON himself, TABARY, MONTIGNY and the + others—that group of shadows whom we see only by the + lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries pass before + us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. Occasionally indeed + Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round the tapestry, even (one + might say) tears a hole in it and pushes his head through, with + a startling effect. But as he has always the good excuse of + sympathy with his subject one easily forgives him these + generous impulses. As I said before, a book that has had its + place long reserved.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If you happen to remember that most excellent book, + <i>Brother-in-Law to Potts</i>, you may recall that the + principal motive in it is the spiritualising influence of a + certain Lady Beautiful, very lightly and even intangibly + presented, on the lives of some other persons of a more + material clay. In <i>Obstacles</i> (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. + "PARRY TRUSCOTT" has returned to her previous subject, but with + the notable difference that she now traces the influence + brought in turn to bear upon the lady herself, who emerges from + her semi-divine obscurity to become the heroine of the story. + If in her background sketch of the munitions factory where + <i>Susannah</i> elects to work the writer does not trouble much + about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any + particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or shell + bodies, yet she does convey, with striking simplicity and + naturalness, the impression of a world at war, and for the rest + she is content to bring her heroine in contact with the lives + that are to affect her and the environment of comparative + poverty that is to help her to a decision. What that decision + was, and how unnecessary too, is sufficiently indicated if I + say that she was blessed with most understanding parents, who + positively preferred that her suitor should be a poor man. And + so the happy future that surely no authoress and most certainly + no male reader could have the heart to refuse to so delightful + a <i>Susannah</i> is available to complete a picture touched + throughout with singular grace and charm. In particular the + little snap-shots of two ideal family households, the one that + includes the heroine, and another, much humbler, which she + enters as an honoured guest, go to make this volume, all too + short though it is, one that I can recommend with quite unusual + pleasure and confidence.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/16.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Waitress</i>. "NO, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT + 'AS NO REASON TO THINK THAT LORD DEVONPORT REGARDS + BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS <i>TWO</i> COURSES." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Our Citizen Soldiers.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lord George H. Cholmondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse + Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor + in that Territorial Corps."—<i>Cheshire + Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate His Worship and also the Hotts.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (as + well as the choir) are invited to sit on the + orchestra."—<i>Western Morning News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large + stock. Please state size required, and we will quote best + cash terms."—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman + whose speciality is "Families Supplied."</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, January 3, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13903-h.htm or 13903-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/9/0/13903/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, January 3, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: October 31, 2004 [EBook #13903] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +January 3, 1917. + + + + + +[Illustration: Vol. Clii.] + + * * * * * + +MORE DISCIPLINE. + +"Yes, Sir," said Sergeant Wally, accepting one of my cigarettes and +readjusting his wounded leg,--"yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. +It's only when a man moves on the word o' command, without waiting to +think, that he becomes a really reliable soldier. I remember, when +I was a recruit, how they put us through it. I'd been on the square +about a week. I was a fairly smart youngster, and I thought I was +jumping to it just like an old soldier, when the drill sergeant called +me out of the ranks. Look 'ere,' he said, 'if you think you're going +to make a fool o' me, standing about there till you choose to obey +the word o' command, you've made a big mistake.' I could 'a' cried at +the time, but I've been glad often enough since for what the sergeant +said that day. I've found that little bit of gag useful myself many a +time." + +I was meditating with sympathy upon the many victims of Sergeant +Wally's borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again. + +"When I first came up to London from the depôt," he said, "I'd a +brother, a corporal in the same battalion. You know as well as I do, +Sir, that as a matter o' discipline a corporal doesn't have any truck +with a private soldier, excepting in the way of duties, and my brother +didn't speak to me for the first week. Then one day he called me up +and said, 'It ain't the thing for me to be going about with you, but +as you're my brother I'll go out with you to-night. Have yourself +cleaned by six o'clock.' + +"Well, I took all the money I'd got--about twelve bob--and off we +went. + +"We had a bit o' supper first at a place my brother knew of, and a +very good supper it was. My brother ordered it, but I paid. Then we +got a couple of cigars--at least, I did. Then we went to a music-hall, +me paying, of course. We had a drink during the evening, and when we +came out my brother said, 'We'd better come in here and have a snack.' + +"'Well, I ain't got any money left,' I sez. My brother looked at me +a minute, and then he said, 'I don't know what I've been thinking of, +going about with you, you a private and me a corporal. Be off 'ome !' +And he stalks away. + +"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. Thank you, I'll have another +cigarette." + + * * * * * + +SIMPLER FASHIONS IN INDIA. + + "The bride, who was given away by her father, looked happy and + handsome in a beautiful red fern dress."--_Allahabad Pioneer_. + + * * * * * + +TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR. + + Now with the New-born Year, when people issue + Greetings appropriate to all concerned, + Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you + Whatever peace of mind you may have earned; + It doesn't sound too fat, + But you will have to be content with that. + + For you will get no other, though you ask it; + No peace on diplomatic folios writ, + Like what you chucked in your waste-treaty-basket, + Torn into fragments, bit by little bit; + In these rude times we shrink + From vain expenditure of pulp and ink. + + You hoped to start a further scrap of paper + And stretched a flattering paw in soft appeal, + Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr + With velvet padding round your claws of steel; + A pretty piece of acting, + But, ere we treat, those claws'll want extracting. + + You thought that you had just to moot the question + And say you felt the closing hour had come + And we should simply jump at your suggestion + And all the Hague with overtures would hum; + You'd but to call her up, + And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup. + + But Peace and War are twain (see _Chadband's_ platitude); + War you could summon by your single self, + But Peace--for she adopts a stickier attitude-- + Takes two to mobilise her off the shelf; + Unless one side's so weak + That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak. + + When things are thus and you have had your beating, + We'll talk and you can listen. Better cheer + I've none to offer you by way of greeting, + But this should help you through the glad New Year; + It lacks for grace, I own, + But let its true sincerity atone! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +AN EXTRA SPECIAL. + +A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in moderation. +I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I expect to be moderately +bored. In fact a partner who flashed through all the four hours might +attract Zeppelins. But Granby! In human endurance there is a point +known as the limit. That is Granby. + +Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity made Granby +a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense their wisdom into +sentences. Granby beats out his limited store into orations. + +It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other night +and to find that the other specials had craftily left Granby to be my +partner. The results of unpunctuality are sometimes hideous. + +Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I may +describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the court the +other day a very curious case came before me." He was off. If Granby +delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches he recites to me the +Government ought to intervene. No man however guilty ought to have a +sentence _and_ one of Granby's orations. He might be given the option. +Personally, for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to +serve the sentence. + +Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable treble voice +down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires Burning." "Sounds +like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to investigate this." Had it +been a couple of armed burglars I should have welcomed their advent if +it stopped Granby. + +We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the pavement warbling +Songs Without Melody. + +"Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was turned on her. + +"A distinct case of intoxication _plus_ incapability," observed +Granby. "We must take her to the station. You can charge her. I have +so many important engagements this week that I can't spare time to be +a witness." + +I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to be thrust on +me. + +"I also have many important engagements this week," I replied. + +"This duty is to be taken seriously--" began Granby. + +"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see her home. She +can't stay here rousing the street." + +"That was what I was about to suggest as the proper course for +you when you interrupted me," said Granby. "Where do you live?" he +demanded. + +"Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore Uncle Sam's +been dead eleven years." + +"Come on," I said. "Get up and we'll see you home." + +The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and said +affectionately, "'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim in 'is best days +afore 'e got jugged!" + +Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think he knew that I +was smiling in the darkness. + +"Jus' like ole times, when we was courtin' together," continued the +lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze-topped barmaid comin' between +us, what might 'ave been! ah, what might 'ave been!" + +This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing, "Come to me, sweet +Marie," with incidental attempts at a step-dance. The _finale_ brought +us to Benbow Avenue. + +"I shall speak to her husband and caution him severely about his +wife's conduct," said Granby to me. + +I shrank into the background ready to move off directly the oration +began. + +Granby knocked at the door and it opened. + +"I have brought your wife home in a state--" he began. + +"Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk while you've been +sitting guzzling by the fire?" + +"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the indignant husband. + +"I am a magistrate and a special constable--" began Granby. + +"More shame to you. It's the likes of you 'oo disgraces the upper +clarses." + +"Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. "Don't lower yourself by talking +to 'im. I never could abide a man as smelt o' gin meself." + +The door slammed and Granby strode towards me. + +"The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I am tempted to +despair of the State when I think of it. The only way is to let these +occurrences pass into oblivion, to set oneself resolutely to forget +them as if they had never been." + +I agreed; but since then Granby has always eyed me curiously. I think +he suspects that I am not forgetting resolutely enough. + + * * * * * + +A Field Officer writes: "Yesterday I was saluted by an Australian +private. It was a great day for me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY. + +UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiast_. "AS A PATRIOT, MADAM, WILL YOU SIGN THE +ROLL OF HONOUR OF 'THE NO-SUPERFLUOUS-TRAVEL-BUT-GIVE-UP-YOUR-SEATS- +TO-SOLDIERS-AND-SAILORS-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE LEAGUE'?"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LIV. + +My Dear Charles,--What about this Peace? I suppose that, what with +your nice new Governments and all, this is the very last thing you +are thinking of making at the moment. I wouldn't believe that the old +War was ever going to end at all if it wasn't for the last expert and +authoritative opinion I hear has been expressed by our elderly barber +in Fleet Street. At the end of July, 1914, he told me confidentially, +as he snipped the short hairs at the back of my head, that there was +going to be no war; the whole thing was just going to fizzle out. Now +he says it is going to be a very, very long business, as he always +thought it would. + +I find it difficult to maintain consistently either the detached point +of view, in which one discusses it as if it was a European hand of +bridge, or the purely interested point of view, in which one regards +it only as a matter affecting one's individual comfort. I know a Mess, +well up in the Front where they measure the mud by feet, in which +they were discussing the War raging at their front door as if it had +nothing to do with them beyond being a convenient thing to criticise. +Men who were then likely to be personally removed at any moment by +it saw nothing in the progress of it to be depressed about. As the +evening wore on and they all came to find that they knew much more +about the subject than they supposed, they were prepared to increase +the allowance of casualties in pressing the merits of their own pet +schemes. No gloom arose from the possibility that this generous offer +might well include their own health and limbs. There was no gloom; +there was even no desire to change the subject. Indeed, the better to +continue it they called for something to drink. There was nothing to +drink, announced the Mess Orderly. Why was there nothing to drink? +asked the Mess President, advocate of enormous offensives on a wide +front for an indefinite period of years, if need be. The Mess Orderly +explained that more drink was on order, it had not arrived because +of difficulties of carriage. Why were there difficulties of carriage? +Because of the War. "Confound the War," said the Mess President. "It +really is the most infernal nuisance." + +I know a Captain Jones, resident a cottage on the road to the +trenches (he calls this cottage his "Battle Box"), whose mind was very +violently moved from the impersonal to the personal point of view by a +quite trifling incident. He has one upstairs room for office, bedroom, +sitting, reception and dining room. His meals are brought over to +him by his servant from an estaminet across the road over which his +window looks. The other morning he was standing at this window waiting +for his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine frosty day, made all the +brighter by the sound of approaching bagpipes. Troops were about to +march past, suggesting great national thoughts to Jones and reminding +him of the familiar details of his own more active days. Jones +prepared to enjoy himself. + +Colonels on horses, thought Jones as he contemplated, are much of a +muchness--always the look of the sahib about them, the slightly +proud, the slightly stuffy, the slightly weather-beaten, the slightly +affluent sahib. Company Commanders, also on horses, but somehow or +other not quite so much on horses as the Colonels, are the same +all the army through--very confident of themselves, but hoping +against hope that there is nothing about their companies to catch +the Adjutant's eye. The Subaltern walks as he has always done, +lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that all is as it should be, but +feeling that if it isn't that is some one else's trouble. Sergeants, +Corporals, Lance-corporals and men have not altered. The Sergeants +relax on the march into something almost bordering on friendliness +towards their victims; the Corporals thank Heaven that for the moment +they are but men; the Lance-corporals thank Heaven that always they +are something more than men, and the men have the look of having +decided that this is the last kilometre they'll ever footslog for +anybody, but while they are doing it they might as well be cheerful +about it. The regimental transport makes a change from the regularity +of column of route, and the comic relief is provided, as it has always +been and always will be provided whatever the disciplinary martinets +may say or do, by the company cooks. + +This was a sight, thought Jones, he could watch for ever. He was sorry +when the battalion came at last to an end; he was glad when another +almost immediately began. He was in luck; doubtless this was a brigade +on the move. He proposed to have his breakfast at the window, when +it came as come it soon must, thus refreshing his hungry body and +his contemplative mind at the same time. The second battalion, as the +first, were fine fellows all, suggesting the might of the Allies and +the futility of the enemy's protracted resistance. Again the comic +relief was provided by the travelling cuisine, reminding Jones of the +oddity of human affairs and the need of his own meal, now sufficiently +deferred. + +The progress of the Brigade was interrupted by the intervention of +a train of motor transport. Jones spent the time of its passing in +consulting his watch, wondering where the devil was his breakfast and +ascertaining that his servant had indeed gone across the road for it +at least forty minutes ago. + +It was not until there came a break, after the first company of the +third battalion, that the reason of this delay became apparent. +There was his servant on the far side of the road, and there was his +breakfast in the servant's hand, all standing to attention, as they +should do when a column of troops was passing.... + +The remainder of that Brigade suggested no agreeable thoughts to +Captain Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in the whole and nothing +attractive in any detail of it. It was in fact just a long and +tiresome sequence of monotonous and sheeplike individuals who really +might have chosen some other time and place for their silly walks +abroad. And as for the spirit of discipline exemplified in the +servant, who scrupled to defy red tape and slip through at a +convenient interval, this was nothing else but the maddening +ineptitude of all human conceits. + +A wonderful servant is that servant of Captain Jones; but then they +all are. Valet, cook, porter, boots, chambermaid, ostler, carpenter, +upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, needlewoman, coal-heaver, diplomat, +barber, linguist (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete +pantechnicon and infallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very +old soldier, and a man of the most human kind. Jones came across him +in the earlier stages of the War, not in England and not in France. +The selection wasn't after the usual manner or upon the usual +references. He recommended himself to Jones by the following +incident:-- + +A new regiment had come to the station; between them and the old +regiment, later to become the firmest friends, some little difference +of opinion had arisen and, upon the first meeting of representative +elements in the neighbouring town, there had been words. Reports, +as they reached Jones at the barracks some four miles from the town, +hinted at something more than words still continuing. Jones, having +reason to anticipate sequels on the morrow, took the precaution of +going round his company quarters then, and there, to find which of his +men, if any, were not involved. "There's a fair scrap up in town," he +heard a man saying. As he entered, a second man was sitting up in bed +and asking, "Dost thou think it will be going on yet?" Hoping for the +best, he was for rising, dressing, walking four miles and joining in. + +Jones stopped his enterprise that night, but engaged him for servant +next day. I don't know why, nor does he; but he was right all the +same. Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _M.O._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MY MAN?" + +_Private_. "VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HEART, SIR." + +_M.O._ "MY WORD! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?" + +_Private_. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, SIR."] + + * * * * * + + "Will anyone knowing where to obtain the game of 'Bounce' + kindly inform A.T.?"--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +"A.T." should address himself to the Imperial Palace at Potsdam. + + * * * * * + +AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS. + +(_SUGGESTED BY AN OFFICIAL NOTICE OF THE L. & N.W.R._) + + The whole vicinity of Hooley Hill + Is smitten with a devastating chill, + And the once cheerful neighbourhood of Pleck + Has got the hump and got it in the neck. + The residential gentry of Pont Rug + No longer seem self-satisfied or smug, + And the distressed inhabitants of Nantlle + Are wrapped in discontent as in a mantle. + Good folk who Halted once at Apsley Guise + Are now afflicted with a sad surprise, + While Oddington, another famous Halt, + Is silent as a sad funereal vault; + And the dejected denizens of Cheadle + Look one and all as if they'd got the needle. + + * * * * * + +AN UNFORTUNATE JUXTAPOSITION. + + "Dr. ---- has RESUMED PRACTICE. + + ---- AND ----, UNDERTAKERS." + +_West Australian_. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +According to President WILSON Germany also claims to be fighting for +the freedom of the smaller nations. Her known anxiety to free the +small nations of South America from the fetters of the Monroe Doctrine +has impressed the PRESIDENT with the correctness of this claim. + + *** + +Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has gone and given away the secret that +Germany does not care a rap for the rights of the little nations. It +is this kind of blundering that sours your transatlantic diplomatist. + + *** + +General JOFFRE has been made a Marshal of France. While falling short +of the absolute omnipotence of London's Provost-Marshal the position +is not without a certain dignity. + + *** + +The announcement that the Queen of HUNGARY's coronation robe is to +cost over £2,000 has had a distinctly unpleasant effect upon the +German people, who are wondering indignantly how Belgium is to be +indemnified if such extravagance is permitted to continue. + + *** + +It is stated that as the result of the drastic changes in our railway +service the publication of _Bradshaw's Guide_ may be delayed. At a +time when it is of vital importance to keep up the spirits of the +nation the absence of one of our best known humorous publications will +be sorely felt. + + *** + +The failure of King CONSTANTINE to join with other neutrals in urging +peace on the belligerents must not be taken as indicating that he is +out of sympathy with the German effort. + + *** + +The County Council has after mature deliberation decided to set aside +ten acres of waste land for cultivation by allotment holders. It is +this ability to think in huge figures that distinguishes the municipal +from the purely individual patriot. + + *** + +In anticipation of a Peace Conference German agents at the Hague have +been making discreet inquiries after lodgings for German delegates. +The latter have expressed a strong preference for getting in on the +ground floor. + + *** + +The weighing of a recruit could not be completed at Mill Hill, as the +scales did not go beyond seventeen stone, and indignation has been +expressed in some quarters at the failure of the official mind to +adopt the simple expedient of weighing as much as they could of him +and then weighing the rest at a second or, if necessary, a third +attempt. + + *** + +It is rumoured that tradesmen's weekly books are to be abolished. We +have long felt that the absurd practice of paying the fellows is a +relic of the dark ages. + + *** + +The statement of a writer in a morning paper that Wednesday night's +fog "tasted like Stilton cheese" has attracted the attention of the +Food Controller, who is having an analysis made with the view of +determining its suitability for civilian rations. We assume that it +would rank as cheese and not count in the calculation of courses. + + *** + +Austria has forbidden the importation of champagne, caviare and +oysters, and now that the horrors of war have thus been thoroughly +brought home to the populace it is expected that public opinion in the +Dual Monarchy will shortly force the EMPEROR to make overtures to the +Allies for a separate peace. + + *** + +As a protest against being fined, a Tottenham man has stopped his +War Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after a series of prolonged +discussions with Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. BONAR LAW has decided +that the War can go on, subject to the early introduction of certain +economies. + + *** + +The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given permission to his tenants to trap +rabbits on the ducal estates. It is hoped that a taste of real sport +will cause many of the local residents, though above military age, to +volunteer for similar work on the West Front. + + *** + +The prisons in Berlin are said to be full of women who have offended +against the Food Laws, and in consequence of this many deserving +criminals are homeless. + + *** + +A party of American literary and scientific gentlemen have obtained +permission to visit Egypt on a mission of research. In view of the +American craze for souvenir-hunting it is anticipated that a special +guard will be mounted over the Pyramids. + + * * * * * + + "'I am being overwhelmed with letters offering services from + all and sundry,' Mr. Chamberlain said yesterday. + + 'As I haven't even appointed a private secretary at present,' + he added, 'it is obviously impossible for me even to open + them.'"--_Daily Sketch_. + + +We suppose the Censor must have told him what they were about. + + * * * * * + +MUSCAT. + + An ancient castle crowns the hill + That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay, + Where, in the spacious days of old, + Stout ALBUQUERQUE set his hold + Dealing in slaves and silks and gold + From Hormuz to Cathay. + + The Dom has passed, the Arab rules; + Yet still there fronts the morning light + Erect upon the crumbling wall + The mast of some great Amiral, + A trophy of the Portingall + In some forgotten fight. + + The wind blows damp, the sun shines hot, + And ever on the Eastern shore, + Faint envoys from the far monsoon, + There in the gap the breakers croon + Their old unchanging rhythmic rune + (The noise is such a bore). + + And week by week to climb that hill + The SULTAN sends some sweating knave + To scan the misty deep and hail + With hoisted nag the smoky trail + That means (hurrah!) the English mail, + So we still rule the wave! + + Hurrah!--and yet what tales of woe! + My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks, + The long-drawn agony of strife, + The daily toll of precious life, + And a sad screed from my poor wife + Of babes with chicken-pox. + + All this it brings--yet brings therewith + That which may help us bear and grin. + "Boy, when you hear the boat's keel scrunch, + Ask the mail officer to lunch; + But give me time to peep at _Punch_ + Before you let him in." + + * * * * * + +LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS. + +THE TAXI-MEN. + +What (writes a returned traveller) has happened to London's +taxi-drivers? When I went away, not more than three months ago, they +occasionally stopped when they were hailed and were not invariably +unwilling to convey one hither and there. But now ... With flags +defiantly up, they move disdainfully along, and no one can lure them +aside. Where on these occasions are they going? How do they make a +living if the flag never comes down? Are they always on their way +to lunch, even late at night? Are they always out of petrol? I can +understand and admire the independence that follows upon overwork; +but when was their overwork done? The only tenable theory that I have +evolved is that Lord NORTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise to absolutism +is another phenomenon of my absence) has engaged them all to patrol +the streets in his service. + +Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver, breaking free from this bondage, +answers a hail; but even then all is not necessarily easy. This is the +kind of thing:-- + +_You_. I want to go to Bedford Gardens. + +_The Sunbeam_ (_indignantly_). Where's that? + +_You_. In Kensington. + +_The Sunbeam_. That's too far. I've got another job at half-past four +(_or_ My petrol's run out). + +_You_. If I gave you an extra shilling could you just manage it? + +_The Sunbeam_ (_scowling_). All right. Jump in. + +This that follows also happens so frequently as to be practically the +rule and not the exception:-- + +_You_. 12, Lexham Gardens. + +_The Sunbeam_. 12, Leicester Gardens. + +_You_. No; LEXHAM. + +_The Sunbeam_. 12, Lexham Road? + +_You_ (_shouting_). No; Lexham GARDENS! + +_The Sunbeam_. What number? + +_You_. TWELVE! + +To illustrate the power that the taxi-driver has been wielding over +London during the past week or so of mitigated festivity, let me tell +a true story. I was in a cab with my old friend Mark, one of the most +ferocious sticklers for efficiency in underlings who ever sent for the +manager. His maledictions on bad waiters have led to the compulsory +re-decorating of half the restaurants of London months before their +time, simply by discolouring the walls with their intensity. Well, +after immense difficulty, Mark and I, bound for the West, induced a +driver to accept us as his fare, and took our places inside. + +"He looks a decent capable fellow," said Mark, who prides himself on +his skill in physiognomy. "We ought to be there in a quarter of an +hour." + +But we did not start. First the engine was cold. Then, that having +consented and the flag being lowered, a fellow-driver asked our man to +help him with his tail-light. He did so with the utmost friendliness +and deliberation. Then they both went to the back of our cab to see +how our tail-light was doing, and talked about tail-lights together, +and how easy it was to jolt them out, and how difficult it was to know +whether they had been jolted out or not, and how jolly careful one had +to be nowadays with so many blooming regulations and restrictions and +things. + +Meanwhile Mark was becoming purple with suppressed rage, for the clock +was ticking and all this wasted time should, in a decently-managed +world, have belonged to us. But he dared not let himself go. It was +a pitiful sight--this strong man repressing impulse. At any moment +I expected to see him dash his arm through the window and tell the +driver what he thought of him; but he did not. He did nothing; but I +could hear his blood boil. + +Then at last our man mounted the box, and just at that moment (this is +an absolutely true story) it chanced that an errand-boy asked him the +way to Panton Street, and he got down from the box and walked quite a +little way with the boy to show him. And while he was away the engine +stopped. It was then that poor Mark performed one of the most heroic +feats of his life. He still sat still; but I seemed to see his hat +rising and falling, as did the lid of WATT's kettle on that historic +evening which led to so much railway trouble, from strikes and +sandwiches to _Bradshaw_. Still he said nothing. Nor did he speak +until the engine had been started again and we were really on our way +and thoroughly late. "If it had only been in normal times," he said +grimly, "how I should have let that man have it. But one simply +mustn't. It's terrible, but they've got us by the short hairs!" + +No doubt of that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_ (_to maid who has asked for a rise_). "WHY, +MARY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH AS THAT." + +_Mary_. "WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK OUT WITH HAS JUST +GOT A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I SHALL BE OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO +HIM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gretchen_. "WILL IT NEVER END? THINK OF OUR AWFUL +RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY." + +_Hans_. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY MEAL."] + + * * * * * + +WARS OF THE PAST. + +(_AS RECORDED IN THE PRESS OF THE PERIOD._) + +V. + +_FROM "THE PIRÆUS PICTORIAL."_ + +GET A MOVE ON. + +_BY MR. DEMOSTHENES._ + + [_The brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who has been aptly + styled "the leading light of the democracy," contributes what + is perhaps the most wonderful and powerful article which we + have had the pleasure of publishing from his trenchant pen._] + +Words won't do it, my friends. We don't want speeches. We want +_action_. I ask you to give the Buskers socks. Kick this Chorus of +Five Hundred out of the orchestra. Ostrichise the Government! Give +them the bird! + +If I read my countrymen aright (and who does if I don't?), what they +are saying now is, "We must have a definite plan of strong action. +We are not going to fight any longer with speeches and despatches." +That's the way, Athenians! Good luck to you! Zeus bless you. And the +same to you, Tommy Hoplites and Jack Nautes, and many of them! _You_ +don't mean PHILIP to be Tyrant of Athens, do you? _You_'re not going +to have him turning our beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry stable? +_You_'re not going to see the Barbarians hanging up their shields +on the dear old statue of Athene. Of course you're not. When I walk +through the city and see, as I pass the houses of my humbler brethren, +the neat respectable little altars and the good old well-used +wine-presses (which I never do without breathing a little prayer, +uncantingly, straight from the heart), I say, "It's a foul calumny to +pretend that the people are not all right. They are, Zeus bless 'em! +All they are waiting for is a lead. And action!" + +We've got to have a strong policy, my friends, and my tip to you +is--"Trust the Army! Curse the politicians!" It's no use sitting +still while ÆSCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You and I, my brothers and +sisters, as I'm proud to call you, _we_ don't spout, do we? We mean +business! _And PHILIP means business too_! At any moment he may come +down on us and devastate our quiet picturesque little demes which we +all love so well and get disgustingly drunk on _our_ wine. So give +us the word, ÆSCHINES AND Co.--not many words, please, but just _one_ +word--and we'll tackle him as he ought to be tackled and put a pinch +of Attic salt on his tail. We don't want _this_ PHILIP, but we _do_ +want a fillip of our own. Meanwhile, are we downhearted? I _don't_ +think. + +(_Another powerful philippic by Mr. Demosthenes next week._) + + * * * * * + +WHAT TO DO WITH OUR PRISONERS. + + "Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 Germans; + limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds military + hospital."--_Bazaar_. + + * * * * * + + "The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer _Spyros_ lacks + confirmation."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +We always had our doubts about the report. + + * * * * * + + "Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with the + goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely recognized + that it was bad policy to kill him."--_G.B. Shaw in "The + Times_." + +Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away from the +sex-problem. + + * * * * * + +FREMDENBLATT.--Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day that the +Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they rejected Germany's +terms."--_Daily Paper_. + +But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a sling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK. + +BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE.] + + * * * * * + +HIS MASTER'S VOICE. + +FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION. + + I am the White House typewriter! + I am the Voice of the People + And then some! + I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends, + All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN, + Who has a megaphone of his own. + I am the soul of a great free people! + Hence the _vers libre_ + Which breathes the spirit of Democracy + Because anybody can do it. + + Who secured a second term of office for my master, President WILSON? + Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General HARRISON GRAY OTIS? + It was not. + It was I! + Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS. + + I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel HOUSE and nearly as + useless as Senator WORKS, + But as my master only works me with one thumb + (For fear of saying something that might have to be explained away) + I do very nicely. + And when it comes to throwing the bull + I am the real Peruvian doughnuts. + + I was new once, but obscure, + Wasting my freshness on a _Life of Jefferson_ (extinct) + And a _History of the United States_, + Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and the MCCLURE Syndicate + Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back page of provincial + newspapers + Along with _Dainty Diapers_ and _Why I Love the Movies_, by MARY + PICKFORD. + + I am the Defender of Liberties! + Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it again; + Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms when the British + Navy threatened to interfere with business. + Next to Mr. LANSING, + Who is said to use a Blickensderfer, + I am the hottest little protester in Protestville, + And in consequence nobody loves me, + Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM RANDOLPH + HEARST; + Nor even _The Spectator_, + Which never did like Democrats, anyway. + + But now I am the Harbinger of Peace + By special request. + Imperial Germany, + Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled potatoes, + Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter annihilation, + And the prayer is echoed + By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals. + So my keys tap out the glad message + Of friendship for all and trouble for none. + + I ask them what they are fighting about, + And if it is really true that Belgium has been invaded, + And propose that we should all get together and talk it over + Nice and quietly over tea and muffins + And away from all the nasty blood and noise. + + Thus I address them, + And humane Germany + Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply with my request; + But the stiff-necked Entente, + With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the LINCOLN person at his + worst, + Merely utter joint and several sentiments + The substance and effect of which appear to be + "Nix!" + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bill_ (_coming to after a shell has hit his dug-out_). +"HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?" + +_William_. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL." + +_Bill_. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' WILLIAM?" + +_William_. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL." + +_Bill_. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT SNOW OR DAISIES?"] + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY REGRET. + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +Once upon a time a man lay dying. + +He was dying very much at his ease, for he had had enough of it all. + +None the less they brought a priest, who stretched his face a yard +long and spoke from his elastic-sided boots. + +"This is a solemn moment," said the priest. "But sooner or later it +comes to us all. You are fortunate in having all your faculties." + +The dying man smiled grimly. + +"Is there any wrong that you have done that you wish redressed?" the +priest asked. + +"None that I can remember," said the dying man. + +"But you are sorry for such wrong as you have done?" + +"I don't know that I am," said the dying man. "I was a very poor hand +at doing wrong. But there are some so-called good deeds that I could +wish undone which are still bearing evil fruit." + +The priest looked pained. "But you would not hold that you have not +been wicked?" he said. + +"Not conspicuously enough to worry about," replied the other. "Most of +my excursions into what you would call wickedness were merely attempts +to learn more about this wonderful world into which we are projected. +It's largely a matter of temperament, and I've been more attracted by +the gentle things than the desperate. Strange as you may think it, I +die without fear." + +"But surely there are matters for regret in your life?" the priest, +who was a conscientious man, inquired earnestly. + +"Ah!" said the dying man. "Regret? That's another matter. Have I no +occasion for regret? Have I not? Have I not?" + +The priest cheered up. "For opportunities lost," he said. "The lost +opportunities--how sad a theme, how melancholy a retrospect! Tell me +of them." + +"I said nothing about lost opportunities," the dying man replied; "I +said that there was much to regret, and there is; but there were no +opportunities that in this particular I neglected. They simply did not +present themselves often enough." + +"Tell me of this sorrow," said the priest. "Perhaps I may be able to +comfort you." + +The dying man again smiled his grim smile. "My greatest regret," he +said, "and one, unhappily, that could never be remedied, even if I +lived to be a thousand, is--" + +"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning nearer. + +"Is," said the dying man, "that I have known so few children." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_for the second time, after officer has +answered "Friend," and come up close_). "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Officer._ "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?" + +_Sentry._ "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIR, I'M SURE. I'M A STRANGER HERE +MYSELF."] + + * * * * * + +"ABSENTEE ARRESTED. + + Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shann on a lighter in the + Old Harbour. He failed to produce his registration card and + could offer no reason why he had not reported for service. + Subsequently he said he was 422 years of age."--_Hull Daily + News_. + +Passed for centenarian duty. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk cart; to live + in."--_Provincial Paper_. + +He will at least have the advantage of living close to his work. + + * * * * * + + "THE BHAKTHI MARGA PRASANGA SABHA.--At Nagappa Chetty Pillayar + Vasantha Mantapam, 322 Thumbu Chetty Street, Georgetown, + to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi Chidambara Bhagavathar will + give a harikatha on 'Pittukkumansuman tha Thiruvilayadal.'" + --_Madras Paper_. + +We like the words and should be glad to hear the tune. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +(SECOND SERIES.) + +XII. + +CHERRY GARDENS. + + Where d'ye buy your earrings, + Your pretty bobbing earrings, + Where d'ye buy your earrings, + Moll and Sue and Nan? + In the Cherry Gardens + They sell 'em eight a penny, + And let you eat as many + As ever you can. + + Moll's are ruddy coral, + Sue's are glossy jet, + Nan's are yellow ivory, + Swinging on their stems. + O you lucky damsels + To get in Cherry Gardens + Earrings for your fardens + Comelier than gems! + + +XIII. + +NEWINGTON BUTTS. + + The bung is lost from Newington Butts! + The beer is running in all the ruts, + The gutters are swimming, the Butts are dry, + Lackadaisy! and so am I. + Who was the thief that stole the bung? + I shall go hopping the day he's hung! + + +XIV. + +NINE ELMS. + + Nine Elms in a ring: + In One I saw a Robin swing, + In Two a Peacock spread his tail, + In Three I heard the Nightingale, + In Four a White Owl hid with craft, + In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed, + In Six a Wood-dove croodled low, + In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow, + In Eight a million Starlings flew, + In Nine a Cuckoo said, "Cuckoo!" + + * * * * * + + "On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers + wanted."--_Manchester Evening News_. + +Are these the first-fruits of the new Food Control? + + * * * * * + +From battalion orders:-- + + "Men transferred from Command Depôt will be fed up to the day + of departure." + +Even commanding officers occasionally have a glimpse of the obvious. + + * * * * * + + "In expressing regret that we had dropped the word 'culture' + out of our vocabulary because of Germany, the Archdeacon of + Middlesex gave the following definitions:-- + + 'Kultur'--Had for 'Culture.'--A word its god the State, + and which describes a was practically spirit of sympathy + materialism, the result with all that is beaubeing + simply mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, and + pure."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Even now it is not very clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jan_ (_repeating the Question for the tenth time in +two hours_). "'AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, JARGE?" + +_Jarge_ (_answering the question for the tenth time in two hours_). +"NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR SOIDE?" + +_Jan_. "NOA. DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?" + +_Jarge_. "NOA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT SOIDE?" + +_Jan_. "NOA." + +_Jarge_. "THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."] + + * * * * * + +CHOKING THEM OFF. + +It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by the +railway companies with a view to "discourage unnecessary travelling" +prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more stringent character, +may be resorted to. By the courtesy of an official we are able to give +details of some further innovations that have been suggested. + +(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be specially +trained to answer all enquiries from civilian passengers in an +ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner. + +Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the correct form +of reply to such questions as, "Can I take this train to Rugby?" The +answer in this case will convey a jocular suggestion that the task is +best left to the engine-driver; and others in the same style. + +In all cases of urgency the formula "Wait and see" to be freely +employed for purposes of discouragement. + +(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as those to +Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to be struck off, +which will be disposed of by public auction to the highest bidder. + +(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) take place +between stations, preference to be given to the interior of tunnels. +All artificial light will then be cut off, and the officials of the +train will run up and down the corridors howling like wolves. + +(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller (as +"Margate") it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to reply, "I +double Margate"; when his opponent, the public, must either pay twice +the already increased fare or forfeit the journey. + +(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the station +refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised. A return to be made +to the more "discouraging" models of fifty years ago, which will +be specially manufactured under the supervision of the Ministry of +Munitions. + +(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places on +the company's service at present exhibited in the compartments to +be removed, and in place of them the frames to be filled with such +chastening subjects as "Marine Drive at Slushboro' on a Wet Evening," +"No Bathing To-day" (Bude), or "Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill +at the Hotel Superb, Shrimpville." It is felt that if this last item +does not cause people to stop at home nothing will. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE ZOO. + + Lieutenant-General Sir W.R. Robertson, Chief of the Imperial + General Staff, was unanimously elected an hon. member of + the Zoological Society of London at the December general + meeting."--_The Times_. + + * * * * * + + "By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be raised in the + courtyards of houses in Rome."--_Daily Express_. + +And we are now confidently expecting some "Lays of Modern Rome." + + * * * * * + + "£5 REWARD,--Lost, on November 28th, in Kensington, BLACK + ABERDEEN TERRIER, name 'Cinders' on collar, also Lt.-Col. + ---- and badge of S.W.B. Regiment.--Kindly return to Mrs. + ----."--_The Times_. + +Let us hope the Colonel at least has found his way home. + + * * * * * + +ULTIMUS. + + His shape was domed and his colour brown, + And I took him up and I get him down + In the lamp's full light, in the very front of it, + Ready and glad to bear the brunt of it; + And then, having raised my hand and blessed him, + I thus in appropriate words addressed him:-- + "Oh, soon to be numbered with the dead, + Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I said, + "Prepare to vanish this very day + And go to your doom the silent way. + For DEVONPORT's Lord will soon decree, + With his eye on you and his eye on me, + That you're only a useless luxury; + And, since the War on the whole continues, + We must tighten our belts and brace our sinews, + And give up the things we liked before, + And never, like _Oliver_, ask for more. + Since this is so and the War endures, + I am bound to abandon you and yours, + And wherever I meet you I must frown + On your sweet white core and your coat of brown. + But no, since you are the only one, + The last of a line that is spent and done, + I shall give myself pleasure once again + And set you free from a life of pain. + Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch you, + My lonely friend, and to crunch and munch you." + + So saying I smiled in a sort of dream + On my absolute ultimate chocolate-cream; + Then swiftly I reached my hand to get him + And popped him into my mouth and ate him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Burglar_. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT +THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS AT ALL FOR I +NEVER COULD SEE." + +_Second Burglar_. "COMB 'EM OUT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. COMB 'EM OUT."] + + * * * * * + +TACTICS. + +"Maman! à quel saint prie-t-on--" began Jeanne. Ah! but no, a +recollection flashed across her mind and was reinforced by other +memories. "J'en ai fini avec les saints," she mused, proceeding to +the other end of the room where, full of intention, she busied herself +among some books. Yes, she was now quite disillusioned; that latest +blow, on her recent tenth birthday, had confirmed finally her +long-growing suspicion--prayer to the saints was unavailing. + +After a time; "Maman, pour que Papa vienne en permission à qui faut-il +que l'on s'adresse?" + +"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais, ma fi-fille, tu sais...!" + +Jeanne, with an air of having something to decide for herself, paid +no heed, but resumed the study of her picture-book description of the +French Army, murmuring: "Un colonel--est-ce que c'est comme un saint, +ou bien est-ce que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-même?" + +Some moments of deep silence spent in intense study ended with a +triumphant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was exactly what she had wished +to discover, the very source of power. "'Les officiers attachés à un +général pour l'exécution et la transmission de ses ordres,'" re-read +Jeanne, and commented, "Et tout cela s'appelle l'_é-tat ma-jor_ du +général. Bon! c'est bien comme je le pensais; c'est le général qui est +à la tête de tout." + +Her course was now quite clear. She urged and encouraged herself: "Il +faut absolument que Papa vienne en permission. _Je--le--veux!_" And, +that her intentions might not be thwarted, absolute secrecy must +be maintained, at least in so far as the chapter relating to her +terrestrial tactics was concerned; no one would oppose intercession +_auprès du bon Dieu_. + +"Il faut m'adresser à tous les deux en même temps," pronounced Jeanne, +taking a sheet of note-paper. "J'écris directement au général" (since +time and space have to be allowed for in earthly negotiations, the +order must be thus)--"et je prie le bon Dieu en personne." That both +positions should be assailed simultaneously, operations must be +begun in this quarter in the morning, at the hour of the first postal +delivery. + +"Point de saints, ni de colonels--maintenant je +comprends--l'_é-tat-ma-jor_ dans l'Armée et les saints au Paradis, +c'est tout comme!" + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"PUSS IN NEW BOOTS." + +Five hours is a great space out of a man's life, but that was +precisely the time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to present his _Puss in +New Boots_, so that I had leisure to study the book of the words, sold +shamelessly to the unsuspecting (of whom I was not one), and compare +the rough sketches of our three standard authors of the Lane, Messrs. +COLLINS, SIMS and DIX with the version, by no manner of means final, +of the comedians. A pantomime book is on the whole rather a mournfully +unsubtle document. The thing is frankly not meant to be read when the +blood is cool. It is the Action, Action and again Action of such hefty +knock-abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE and STANLEY LUPINO that makes +the dry bones live and the old squibs crackle. And it is good fun to +watch the audience at their share of authorship, setting the seal of +their approval upon the happy wheeze, the well-contrived business, +and blue-pencilling with their silence the wash-out or the too obscure +allusion. + +[Illustration: DIANA OF THE LANE. + +_The Baroness_ ... Mr. ROBERT HALE.] + +The show is substantially new throughout--new songs, new scenery, new +japes, new acrobatics. A new Puss, too, as well as new boots; and, +without any reflection on little Miss LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an +adequate Puss of pantomime, we may regret Miss RENÉE MAYER. + +Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still delights the curious with her Swedish +exercises in alt, and makes a very pretty lady of high degree for a +pantomime marquis, who is no other than Miss MADGE TITHERADGE stepping +down from the "legitimate" and bringing an air and an elocution +unusual and admirable. She made her excellent speaking voice do duty +in recitative for song, and the innovation is not unpleasing. If it +be fair in frivolous public places to dig down to those thoughts that +better lie too deep for tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' _A Song of England_, +clear spoken by her with tenderness and spirit, is a better instrument +than most. + +Mr. HALE's _Baroness_ challenges comparison with Mr. GEORGE GRAVES's. +She is perhaps more womanly ("no ordinary" type), less grotesquely +irrelevant and profane--though she does her bit. On the other hand, +she is more active and less repetitive. When, the good fairy endowing +her with beauty, she appeared as DORIS KEANE in _Romance_, that was an +applauded stroke. And when she lied beneath the tree of truth and the +chestnuts fell each time truth was mishandled, thickest of all when +it was asserted that a certain Scotch comedian had refused his salary, +this was also very well received. On the whole, then, a satisfactory +Baroness. + +Mr. LUPINO (the miller's second son) is really an exquisite droll, +and I don't remember to have seen him in better form. He has some of +the authentic ingredients of the old circus clown--a very valuable +inheritance. + +Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to watch, always has that air of +enjoying himself immensely that is the readiest way to favour. He +seemed at times to be, as it were, looking wistfully for his old pal, +GRAVES; missed probably that companionable nose and those reliable +_da capos_ which give such opportunity for the manufacture of gags; +whereas Mr. HALE is a "thruster." But cooking the _recherché_ dinner +in the gas cooker that becomes a tank, and putting up the blind and +laying the carpet--here was the WILL EVANS that the children of all +ages applaud. + +I always find the Lane big scenes and ballets more full of competing +colour and restless movement than of controlled design. But the Hall +of Fantasy, with its spiral staircases reaching to the flies, was an +ambitious effort crowned with success. The dance of the eight tiny +zanies was the best of the ballet. The Shakspearean pageant at the end +might be (1) shortened, and (2) brightened by the characters throwing +a little more conviction into their respective aspects--notably the +ghost of _Hamlet's_ father. However, as a popular tercentenary tribute +to "our Shakspeare" the scheme is to be commended and was as such +approved. + +T. + + * * * * * + +THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN. + + [The Executive of the German Sporting Clubs and Athletic + Associations have issued a manifesto expressing satisfaction + at the substitution of German for English words and phrases. + "German sport," it declares, "in future places itself + unreservedly on the side of those who would further German + Kultur. German Song and German Art will in future find a + home in German sport." This new patriotic programme has been + greatly applauded in the Press, the _Berliner Tageblatt_ + observing that the culture of soul and body must proceed + _pari passu_, with the result that "not only will the German + sportsman become a beautiful body, but a beautiful soul + as well. Every club must have its library, not filled with + sensational novels, but with works of art. And before all else + the club-house must be architecturally beautiful--an object + from which he may obtain spiritual edification."] + + The German is seldom amusing, + Since humour is hardly his forte, + But I've frequently smiled in perusing + His latest pronouncement on sport; + For it seems that he thinks it the duty + Of sportsmen to aim at the goal + Of adding to bodily beauty + A beauty of soul. + + They've made a good start by proscribing + All English and Anglicised terms, + To counter the risk of imbibing + Debased philological germs; + And they've coined a new wonderful lingo, + Which only a Teuton can talk, + Resembling the yelp of a dingo, + A cormorant's squawk. + + But in spite of his prowess Titanic, + His marvellous physical gift, + The soul of the athlete Germanic + Still clamours for moral uplift; + So we learn without any emotion + That, his ultimate aim to secure, + He must bathe in the bountiful ocean + Of German _Kultur_. + + In the process of character-building + Hun Art (_Simplicissimus_ brand), + With its _rococo_ carving and gilding, + Must ever advance hand in hand + With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring + And exquisite engine of Hate, + Whose efforts we've all been admiring + So largely of late. + + Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly, + The sportsman whom Germany needs + Will help to exterminate quickly + All weak and effeminate breeds; + And, trained in the gospel of BISSING, + Will cleave to the Hun decalogue + Which rivets the link, rarely missing, + 'Twixt him and the hog. + + * * * * * + + "Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex; under parlourmaid kept; Roman + Catholic and spectacles objected to." + +Our own preference is for a Plymouth Sister with _pince-nez_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cook_ (_who, after interview with prospective +mistress, is going to think it over_). "'ULLO! PRAMBILATOR! IF YOU'D +TOLD ME YOU 'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME." + +_The Prospective Mistress_. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK THE PLACE WOULD +OTHERWISE SUIT YOU I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD THE CHILDREN OUT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our optimist +conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the creation of charming +people and her rare talent for making them alive. But I wonder if she +is not refining her brilliant technique to the point of occasional +obscurity of intention. At least I know I had to re-read a good +many passages to be quite sure what was in fact intended. An implied +compliment, no doubt; but are all readers so virtuous? ("or so dull?" +quoth she). _Hatchways_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is one of those happily +comfortable, just right houses with a hostess, _Ernestine_, whom +everybody loves and nobody (save her husband, and he not in this +book) makes love to. Holmer, on the other hand, is the adjoining ducal +mansion with a distinctly uncomfortable dowager still in command who +can't even arrange her dinner-parties and fails to marry her sons to +the right people. Perpetually Hatchways is wiping the eye of Holmer, +and this touches the nerve of the great lady. Her sons, _Wickford_, +the authentic but hardly reigning duke, and _Lord Iveagh Suir_, the +queer impressionable (on whom the author has spent much pains to +excellent effect), both take their troubles to _Ernestine_. And a +young French aviator (this is a pre-War story), guest at Hatchways, +analyses and discusses situations and characters from his coign of +privilege--a device adroitly handled by the discreet author, who adds +two charming girls, coquette _Lise_, _Iveagh's_ first love, and +wise, loyal, perceptive _Bess_, whom he found at last. To those who +appreciate subtle portraiture let me commend this study.... I feel +just as if I had been for a long week-end at Hatchways, anxiously +wondering, as I write my "roofer," if I shall be so lucky as to be +asked again. + + * * * * * + +I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me in calling +_The Flaming Sword_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) as noble and absorbing +a story of fine work finely done as any that the War has produced. +It is the history, told by herself, of Mrs. ST. CLAIR STOBART's Red +Cross Mission "in Serbia and Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEORGE +HANKIN's moving picture of _The Lady of the Black Horse_ (a name +always to be honoured among our Allies), catches the spirit of the +heroic tale and prepares you for what the _Lady_ herself has to tell. +Mrs. STOBART is no sentimentalist; fighting and the overcoming of +obstacles are, one would say, congenial to her mettle; time and again, +even in the midst of her story of the terrible retreat, with the +German guns ever thundering nearer, she can yet spare a moment to +strike shrewdly and hard for her own side in the other struggle +towards feminine emancipation which is always obviously close to +her heart. Certainly she has well earned the right to be heard with +respect. Read this high-spirited account of the difficulties--mud, +disease, prejudice, famine--through which the writer brought her +charge triumphantly to safety, and you will be inclined, with me, to +throw your critical cap into the air and thank Heaven for such women +of our race, which would be to invite, not unsuccessfully, some +withering snub from the very lady you were endeavouring to praise. +But that can't be helped. Meantime of her exploit and the book that +recounts it I can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian that I have +gleaned from its pages--_Dobro, Dobro!_ For a translation of which you +know where to apply. + + * * * * * + +So many battle books have been pouring from the press lately that +it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder still to find +something fresh to say of each; but _quot homines tot_ points of +individual interest, and for those whose concern lies more especially +with the New Zealand Forces and their campaigns I can very safely +recommend a volume which the official war correspondent to that +contingent and his son have jointly published under the title of +_Light and Shade in War_ (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM ROSS who +supplies the light, and Mr. NOEL ROSS the shade, or _vice versa_, we +are given no means of ascertaining. Between them they have certainly +put together an agreeable patchwork of small and easily read pieces, +most of which have already appeared in journalistic form. It is +perhaps parental prejudice that makes Mr. Punch consider the best of +the bunch to be "Abdul," one of three slight sketches that originally +saw the light in his own pages. _Abdul_ is a joy, also a thief, a +society entertainer, and a Cairo hospital orderly. I can only hope +that the story of how he displayed his patient's sun-browned knees as +a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, who were visiting the +hospital, is at least founded on fact. The publishers are entirely +justified in saying that these impressions, made often under actual +fire, have both colour and intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the +campaign for popular favour. + + * * * * * + +_François Villon, His Life and Times_ (HUTCHINSON) is one of those +fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long vacant corner. So far +as I know, with the exception perhaps of STEVENSON's study, there has +been no means by which the casual reader, as apart from the student, +could correct his probably very vague ideas about the Father of +Realism. Mr. H. DE VERE STACPOOLE, approaching the subject not for +the first time, here essays a brief life and appreciation of the poet, +told in picturesque but simple style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity +is apt to appear overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that the +story is being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. Apart +from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. STACPOOLE's vivid +reconstruction of mediæval France, and the Paris that sheltered VILLON +himself, TABARY, MONTIGNY and the others--that group of shadows whom +we see only by the lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries +pass before us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. Occasionally +indeed Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round the tapestry, even (one +might say) tears a hole in it and pushes his head through, with a +startling effect. But as he has always the good excuse of sympathy +with his subject one easily forgives him these generous impulses. As I +said before, a book that has had its place long reserved. + + * * * * * + +If you happen to remember that most excellent book, _Brother-in-Law +to Potts_, you may recall that the principal motive in it is the +spiritualising influence of a certain Lady Beautiful, very lightly +and even intangibly presented, on the lives of some other persons of +a more material clay. In _Obstacles_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. "PARRY +TRUSCOTT" has returned to her previous subject, but with the notable +difference that she now traces the influence brought in turn to bear +upon the lady herself, who emerges from her semi-divine obscurity to +become the heroine of the story. If in her background sketch of the +munitions factory where _Susannah_ elects to work the writer does not +trouble much about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any +particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or shell bodies, +yet she does convey, with striking simplicity and naturalness, the +impression of a world at war, and for the rest she is content to bring +her heroine in contact with the lives that are to affect her and the +environment of comparative poverty that is to help her to a decision. +What that decision was, and how unnecessary too, is sufficiently +indicated if I say that she was blessed with most understanding +parents, who positively preferred that her suitor should be a poor +man. And so the happy future that surely no authoress and most +certainly no male reader could have the heart to refuse to so +delightful a _Susannah_ is available to complete a picture touched +throughout with singular grace and charm. In particular the little +snap-shots of two ideal family households, the one that includes the +heroine, and another, much humbler, which she enters as an honoured +guest, go to make this volume, all too short though it is, one that I +can recommend with quite unusual pleasure and confidence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waitress_. "NO, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT 'AS NO REASON +TO THINK THAT LORD DEVONPORT REGARDS BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS _TWO_ +COURSES."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITIZEN SOLDIERS. + + "Lord George H. Cholmondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse + Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor in + that Territorial Corps."--_Cheshire Observer_. + +We congratulate His Worship and also the Hotts. + + * * * * * + + "The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (as well + as the choir) are invited to sit on the orchestra."--_Western + Morning News_. + +We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best. + + * * * * * + + "WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large stock. + Please state size required, and we will quote best cash + terms."--_Irish Paper_. + +An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman whose +speciality is "Families Supplied." + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, January 3, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13903.txt or 13903.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/9/0/13903/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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