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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:11 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:11 -0700 |
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diff --git a/13903-h/13903-h.htm b/13903-h/13903-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..43e281d --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/13903-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2244 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 3, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 3, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="Vol. CLii." /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MORE DISCIPLINE.</h2> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said Sergeant Wally, accepting one of my + cigarettes and readjusting his wounded leg,—"yes, Sir, + discipline's the thing. It's only when a man moves on the word + o' command, without waiting to think, that he becomes a really + reliable soldier. I remember, when I was a recruit, how they + put us through it. I'd been on the square about a week. I was a + fairly smart youngster, and I thought I was jumping to it just + like an old soldier, when the drill sergeant called me out of + the ranks. Look 'ere,' he said, 'if you think you're going to + make a fool o' me, standing about there till you choose to obey + the word o' command, you've made a big mistake.' I could 'a' + cried at the time, but I've been glad often enough since for + what the sergeant said that day. I've found that little bit of + gag useful myself many a time."</p> + + <p>I was meditating with sympathy upon the many victims of + Sergeant Wally's borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again.</p> + + <p>"When I first came up to London from the depôt," he said, + "I'd a brother, a corporal in the same battalion. You know as + well as I do, Sir, that as a matter o' discipline a corporal + doesn't have any truck with a private soldier, excepting in the + way of duties, and my brother didn't speak to me for the first + week. Then one day he called me up and said, 'It ain't the + thing for me to be going about with you, but as you're my + brother I'll go out with you to-night. Have yourself cleaned by + six o'clock.'</p> + + <p>"Well, I took all the money I'd got—about twelve + bob—and off we went.</p> + + <p>"We had a bit o' supper first at a place my brother knew of, + and a very good supper it was. My brother ordered it, but I + paid. Then we got a couple of cigars—at least, I did. + Then we went to a music-hall, me paying, of course. We had a + drink during the evening, and when we came out my brother said, + 'We'd better come in here and have a snack.'</p> + + <p>"'Well, I ain't got any money left,' I sez. My brother + looked at me a minute, and then he said, 'I don't know what + I've been thinking of, going about with you, you a private and + me a corporal. Be off 'ome !' And he stalks away.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing. Thank you, I'll have + another cigarette."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Simpler Fashions in India.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride, who was given away by her father, looked + happy and handsome in a beautiful red fern + dress."—<i>Allahabad Pioneer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <h2>TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now with the New-born Year, when people issue</p> + + <p class="i2">Greetings appropriate to all + concerned,</p> + + <p>Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you</p> + + <p class="i2">Whatever peace of mind you may have + earned;</p> + + <p class="i6">It doesn't sound too fat,</p> + + <p>But you will have to be content with that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For you will get no other, though you ask it;</p> + + <p class="i2">No peace on diplomatic folios writ,</p> + + <p>Like what you chucked in your + waste-treaty-basket,</p> + + <p class="i2">Torn into fragments, bit by little + bit;</p> + + <p class="i6">In these rude times we shrink</p> + + <p>From vain expenditure of pulp and ink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You hoped to start a further scrap of paper</p> + + <p class="i2">And stretched a flattering paw in soft + appeal,</p> + + <p>Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr</p> + + <p class="i2">With velvet padding round your claws of + steel;</p> + + <p class="i6">A pretty piece of acting,</p> + + <p>But, ere we treat, those claws'll want + extracting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You thought that you had just to moot the + question</p> + + <p class="i2">And say you felt the closing hour had + come</p> + + <p>And we should simply jump at your suggestion</p> + + <p class="i2">And all the Hague with overtures would + hum;</p> + + <p class="i6">You'd but to call her up,</p> + + <p>And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Peace and War are twain (see <i>Chadband's</i> + platitude);</p> + + <p class="i2">War you could summon by your single + self,</p> + + <p>But Peace—for she adopts a stickier + attitude—</p> + + <p class="i2">Takes two to mobilise her off the + shelf;</p> + + <p class="i6">Unless one side's so weak</p> + + <p>That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When things are thus and you have had your + beating,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll talk and you can listen. Better + cheer</p> + + <p>I've none to offer you by way of greeting,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this should help you through the glad + New Year;</p> + + <p class="i6">It lacks for grace, I own,</p> + + <p>But let its true sincerity atone!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN EXTRA SPECIAL.</h2> + + <p>A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in + moderation. I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I + expect to be moderately bored. In fact a partner who flashed + through all the four hours might attract Zeppelins. But Granby! + In human endurance there is a point known as the limit. That is + Granby.</p> + + <p>Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity + made Granby a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense + their wisdom into sentences. Granby beats out his limited store + into orations.</p> + + <p>It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other + night and to find that the other specials had craftily left + Granby to be my partner. The results of unpunctuality are + sometimes hideous.</p> + + <p>Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I + may describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the + court the other day a very curious case came before me." He was + off. If Granby delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches + he recites to me the Government ought to intervene. No man + however guilty ought to have a sentence <i>and</i> one of + Granby's orations. He might be given the option. Personally, + for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to serve + the sentence.</p> + + <p>Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable + treble voice down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires + Burning." "Sounds like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to + investigate this." Had it been a couple of armed burglars I + should have welcomed their advent if it stopped Granby.</p> + + <p>We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the pavement + warbling Songs Without Melody.</p> + + <p>"Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was turned + on her.</p> + + <p>"A distinct case of intoxication <i>plus</i> incapability," + observed Granby. "We must take her to the station. You can + charge her. I have so many important engagements this week that + I can't spare time to be a witness."</p> + + <p>I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to be + thrust on me.</p> + + <p>"I also have many important engagements this week," I + replied.</p> + + <p>"This duty is to be taken seriously—" began + Granby.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see her + home. She can't stay here rousing the street."</p> + + <p>"That was what I was about to suggest as the proper course + for you when you interrupted me," said Granby. "Where do you + live?" he demanded.</p> + + <p>"Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore Uncle + Sam's been dead eleven years."</p> + + <p>"Come on," I said. "Get up and we'll see you home."</p> + + <p>The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and said + affectionately, "'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim in 'is best + days afore 'e got jugged!"</p> + + <p>Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think he + knew that I was smiling in the darkness.</p> + + <p>"Jus' like ole times, when we was courtin' together," + continued the lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze-topped + barmaid comin' between us, what might 'ave been! ah, what might + 'ave been!"</p> + + <p>This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing, "Come to + me, sweet Marie," with incidental attempts at a step-dance. The + <i>finale</i> brought us to Benbow Avenue.</p> + + <p>"I shall speak to her husband and caution him severely about + his wife's conduct," said Granby to me.</p> + + <p>I shrank into the background ready to move off directly the + oration began.</p> + + <p>Granby knocked at the door and it opened.</p> + + <p>"I have brought your wife home in a state—" he + began.</p> + + <p>"Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk while + you've been sitting guzzling by the fire?"</p> + + <p>"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the indignant + husband.</p> + + <p>"I am a magistrate and a special constable—" began + Granby.</p> + + <p>"More shame to you. It's the likes of you 'oo disgraces the + upper clarses."</p> + + <p>"Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. "Don't lower yourself + by talking to 'im. I never could abide a man as smelt o' gin + meself."</p> + + <p>The door slammed and Granby strode towards me.</p> + + <p>"The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I am + tempted to despair of the State when I think of it. The only + way is to let these occurrences pass into oblivion, to set + oneself resolutely to forget them as if they had never + been."</p> + + <p>I agreed; but since then Granby has always eyed me + curiously. I think he suspects that I am not forgetting + resolutely enough.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Field Officer writes: "Yesterday I was saluted by an + Australian private. It was a great day for me."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/3.png" + alt="THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY." /></a> + + <h3>THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTERY.</h3>UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, + SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/4.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Enthusiast</i>. "AS A PATRIOT, MADAM, WILL YOU SIGN + THE ROLL OF HONOUR OF 'THE + NO-SUPERFLUOUS-TRAVEL-BUT-GIVE-UP-YOUR-SEATS-TO-SOLDIERS-AND-SAILORS-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE + LEAGUE'?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LIV.</h3> + + <p>My Dear Charles,—What about this Peace? I suppose + that, what with your nice new Governments and all, this is the + very last thing you are thinking of making at the moment. I + wouldn't believe that the old War was ever going to end at all + if it wasn't for the last expert and authoritative opinion I + hear has been expressed by our elderly barber in Fleet Street. + At the end of July, 1914, he told me confidentially, as he + snipped the short hairs at the back of my head, that there was + going to be no war; the whole thing was just going to fizzle + out. Now he says it is going to be a very, very long business, + as he always thought it would.</p> + + <p>I find it difficult to maintain consistently either the + detached point of view, in which one discusses it as if it was + a European hand of bridge, or the purely interested point of + view, in which one regards it only as a matter affecting one's + individual comfort. I know a Mess, well up in the Front where + they measure the mud by feet, in which they were discussing the + War raging at their front door as if it had nothing to do with + them beyond being a convenient thing to criticise. Men who were + then likely to be personally removed at any moment by it saw + nothing in the progress of it to be depressed about. As the + evening wore on and they all came to find that they knew much + more about the subject than they supposed, they were prepared + to increase the allowance of casualties in pressing the merits + of their own pet schemes. No gloom arose from the possibility + that this generous offer might well include their own health + and limbs. There was no gloom; there was even no desire to + change the subject. Indeed, the better to continue it they + called for something to drink. There was nothing to drink, + announced the Mess Orderly. Why was there nothing to drink? + asked the Mess President, advocate of enormous offensives on a + wide front for an indefinite period of years, if need be. The + Mess Orderly explained that more drink was on order, it had not + arrived because of difficulties of carriage. Why were there + difficulties of carriage? Because of the War. "Confound the + War," said the Mess President. "It really is the most infernal + nuisance."</p> + + <p>I know a Captain Jones, resident a cottage on the road to + the trenches (he calls this cottage his "Battle Box"), whose + mind was very violently moved from the impersonal to the + personal point of view by a quite trifling incident. He has one + upstairs room for office, bedroom, sitting, reception and + dining room. His meals are brought over to him by his servant + from an estaminet across the road over which his window looks. + The other morning he was standing at this window waiting for + his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine frosty day, made all the + brighter by the sound of approaching bagpipes. Troops were + about to march past, suggesting great national thoughts to + Jones and reminding him of the familiar details of his own more + active days. Jones prepared to enjoy himself.</p> + + <p>Colonels on horses, thought Jones as he contemplated, are + much of a muchness—always the look of the sahib about + them, the slightly proud, the slightly stuffy, the slightly + weather-beaten, the slightly affluent sahib. Company + Commanders, also on horses, but somehow or other not quite so + much on horses as the Colonels, are the same all the army + through—very confident of themselves, but hoping against + hope that there is nothing about their companies to catch the + Adjutant's eye. The Subaltern walks as he has always done, + lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that all is as it should + be, but feeling that if it isn't that is some one else's + trouble. Sergeants, Corporals, Lance-corporals and men have not + altered. The Sergeants relax on the march into something almost + bordering on friendliness towards their victims; the Corporals + thank Heaven that for the moment they are but men; the + Lance-corporals thank Heaven that always they are something + more than men, and the men have the look of having decided that + this is the last kilometre they'll ever footslog for anybody, + but while they are doing it they might as well be cheerful + about it. The regimental transport makes a change from the + regularity of column of route, and the comic relief is + provided, as it has always been and always will be provided + whatever the disciplinary martinets may say or do, by the + company cooks.</p> + + <p>This was a sight, thought Jones, he could watch for ever. He + was sorry when the battalion came at last to an end; he was + glad when another almost immediately began. He was in luck; + doubtless this was a brigade on the move. He proposed to have + his breakfast at the window, when it came as come it soon must, + thus refreshing his hungry body and his contemplative mind at + the same time. The second battalion, as the first, were fine + fellows all, suggesting the might of the Allies and the + futility of the enemy's protracted resistance. Again the comic + relief was provided by the travelling cuisine, reminding Jones + of the oddity of human affairs and the need of his own meal, + now sufficiently deferred.</p> + + <p>The progress of the Brigade was interrupted by the + intervention of a train of motor transport. Jones spent the + time of its passing in consulting his watch, wondering where + the devil was his breakfast and ascertaining that his servant + had indeed gone across the road for it at least forty minutes + ago.</p> + + <p>It was not until there came a break, after the first company + of the third battalion, that the reason of this delay became + apparent. There was his servant on the far side of the road, + and there was his breakfast in the servant's hand, all standing + to attention, as they should do when a column of troops was + passing....</p> + + <p>The remainder of that Brigade suggested no agreeable + thoughts to Captain Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in the + whole and nothing attractive in any detail of it. It was in + fact just a long and tiresome sequence of monotonous and + sheeplike individuals who really might have chosen some other + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> time and place for their silly + walks abroad. And as for the spirit of discipline + exemplified in the servant, who scrupled to defy red tape + and slip through at a convenient interval, this was nothing + else but the maddening ineptitude of all human conceits.</p> + + <p>A wonderful servant is that servant of Captain Jones; but + then they all are. Valet, cook, porter, boots, chambermaid, + ostler, carpenter, upholsterer, mechanic, inventor, + needlewoman, coal-heaver, diplomat, barber, linguist + (home-made), clerk, universal provider, complete pantechnicon + and infallible bodyguard, he is also a soldier, if a very old + soldier, and a man of the most human kind. Jones came across + him in the earlier stages of the War, not in England and not in + France. The selection wasn't after the usual manner or upon the + usual references. He recommended himself to Jones by the + following incident:—</p> + + <p>A new regiment had come to the station; between them and the + old regiment, later to become the firmest friends, some little + difference of opinion had arisen and, upon the first meeting of + representative elements in the neighbouring town, there had + been words. Reports, as they reached Jones at the barracks some + four miles from the town, hinted at something more than words + still continuing. Jones, having reason to anticipate sequels on + the morrow, took the precaution of going round his company + quarters then, and there, to find which of his men, if any, + were not involved. "There's a fair scrap up in town," he heard + a man saying. As he entered, a second man was sitting up in bed + and asking, "Dost thou think it will be going on yet?" Hoping + for the best, he was for rising, dressing, walking four miles + and joining in.</p> + + <p>Jones stopped his enterprise that night, but engaged him for + servant next day. I don't know why, nor does he; but he was + right all the same. Yours ever, HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/5.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MY MAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HEART, + SIR."</p> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> "MY WORD! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, + SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will anyone knowing where to obtain the game of + 'Bounce' kindly inform A.T.?"—<i>Advt. in "The + Times."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"A.T." should address himself to the Imperial Palace at + Potsdam.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Suggested by an official notice of the L. & + N.W.R.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The whole vicinity of Hooley Hill</p> + + <p>Is smitten with a devastating chill,</p> + + <p>And the once cheerful neighbourhood of Pleck</p> + + <p>Has got the hump and got it in the neck.</p> + + <p>The residential gentry of Pont Rug</p> + + <p>No longer seem self-satisfied or smug,</p> + + <p>And the distressed inhabitants of Nantlle</p> + + <p>Are wrapped in discontent as in a mantle.</p> + + <p>Good folk who Halted once at Apsley Guise</p> + + <p>Are now afflicted with a sad surprise,</p> + + <p>While Oddington, another famous Halt,</p> + + <p>Is silent as a sad funereal vault;</p> + + <p>And the dejected denizens of Cheadle</p> + + <p>Look one and all as if they'd got the needle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Unfortunate Juxtaposition.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Dr. —— has RESUMED PRACTICE.</p> + + <p>—— AND ——, UNDERTAKERS."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="author"><i>West Australian</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>According to President WILSON Germany also claims to be + fighting for the freedom of the smaller nations. Her known + anxiety to free the small nations of South America from the + fetters of the Monroe Doctrine has impressed the PRESIDENT with + the correctness of this claim.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has gone and given away the + secret that Germany does not care a rap for the rights of the + little nations. It is this kind of blundering that sours your + transatlantic diplomatist.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>General JOFFRE has been made a Marshal of France. While + falling short of the absolute omnipotence of London's + Provost-Marshal the position is not without a certain + dignity.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The announcement that the Queen of HUNGARY's coronation robe + is to cost over £2,000 has had a distinctly unpleasant effect + upon the German people, who are wondering indignantly how + Belgium is to be indemnified if such extravagance is permitted + to continue.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that as the result of the drastic changes in + our railway service the publication of <i>Bradshaw's Guide</i> + may be delayed. At a time when it is of vital importance to + keep up the spirits of the nation the absence of one of our + best known humorous publications will be sorely felt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The failure of King CONSTANTINE to join with other neutrals + in urging peace on the belligerents must not be taken as + indicating that he is out of sympathy with the German + effort.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The County Council has after mature deliberation decided to + set aside ten acres of waste land for cultivation by allotment + holders. It is this ability to think in huge figures that + distinguishes the municipal from the purely individual + patriot.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In anticipation of a Peace Conference German agents at the + Hague have been making discreet inquiries after lodgings for + German delegates. The latter have expressed a strong preference + for getting in on the ground floor.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The weighing of a recruit could not be completed at Mill + Hill, as the scales did not go beyond seventeen stone, and + indignation has been expressed in some quarters at the failure + of the official mind to adopt the simple expedient of weighing + as much as they could of him and then weighing the rest at a + second or, if necessary, a third attempt.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that tradesmen's weekly books are to be + abolished. We have long felt that the absurd practice of paying + the fellows is a relic of the dark ages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The statement of a writer in a morning paper that Wednesday + night's fog "tasted like Stilton cheese" has attracted the + attention of the Food Controller, who is having an analysis + made with the view of determining its suitability for civilian + rations. We assume that it would rank as cheese and not count + in the calculation of courses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Austria has forbidden the importation of champagne, caviare + and oysters, and now that the horrors of war have thus been + thoroughly brought home to the populace it is expected that + public opinion in the Dual Monarchy will shortly force the + EMPEROR to make overtures to the Allies for a separate + peace.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a protest against being fined, a Tottenham man has + stopped his War Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after a + series of prolonged discussions with Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. + BONAR LAW has decided that the War can go on, subject to the + early introduction of certain economies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given permission to his tenants to + trap rabbits on the ducal estates. It is hoped that a taste of + real sport will cause many of the local residents, though above + military age, to volunteer for similar work on the West + Front.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The prisons in Berlin are said to be full of women who have + offended against the Food Laws, and in consequence of this many + deserving criminals are homeless.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A party of American literary and scientific gentlemen have + obtained permission to visit Egypt on a mission of research. In + view of the American craze for souvenir-hunting it is + anticipated that a special guard will be mounted over the + Pyramids.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'I am being overwhelmed with letters offering services + from all and sundry,' Mr. Chamberlain said yesterday.</p> + + <p>'As I haven't even appointed a private secretary at + present,' he added, 'it is obviously impossible for me even + to open them.'"—<i>Daily Sketch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We suppose the Censor must have told him what they were + about.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MUSCAT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An ancient castle crowns the hill</p> + + <p class="i2">That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay,</p> + + <p>Where, in the spacious days of old,</p> + + <p>Stout ALBUQUERQUE set his hold</p> + + <p>Dealing in slaves and silks and gold</p> + + <p class="i2">From Hormuz to Cathay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Dom has passed, the Arab rules;</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet still there fronts the morning + light</p> + + <p>Erect upon the crumbling wall</p> + + <p>The mast of some great Amiral,</p> + + <p>A trophy of the Portingall</p> + + <p class="i2">In some forgotten fight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wind blows damp, the sun shines hot,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ever on the Eastern shore,</p> + + <p>Faint envoys from the far monsoon,</p> + + <p>There in the gap the breakers croon</p> + + <p>Their old unchanging rhythmic rune</p> + + <p class="i2">(The noise is such a bore).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And week by week to climb that hill</p> + + <p class="i2">The SULTAN sends some sweating knave</p> + + <p>To scan the misty deep and hail</p> + + <p>With hoisted nag the smoky trail</p> + + <p>That means (hurrah!) the English mail,</p> + + <p class="i2">So we still rule the wave!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hurrah!—and yet what tales of woe!</p> + + <p class="i2">My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks,</p> + + <p>The long-drawn agony of strife,</p> + + <p>The daily toll of precious life,</p> + + <p>And a sad screed from my poor wife</p> + + <p class="i2">Of babes with chicken-pox.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All this it brings—yet brings therewith</p> + + <p class="i2">That which may help us bear and grin.</p> + + <p>"Boy, when you hear the boat's keel scrunch,</p> + + <p>Ask the mail officer to lunch;</p> + + <p>But give me time to peep at <i>Punch</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Before you let him in."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS.</h2> + + <h4>THE TAXI-MEN.</h4> + + <p>What (writes a returned traveller) has happened to London's + taxi-drivers? When I went away, not more than three months ago, + they occasionally stopped when they were hailed and were not + invariably unwilling to convey one hither and there. But now + ... With flags defiantly up, they move disdainfully along, and + no one can lure them aside. Where on these occasions are they + going? How do they make a living if the flag never comes down? + Are they always on their way to lunch, even late at night? Are + they always out of petrol? I can understand and admire the + independence that follows upon overwork; but when was their + overwork done? The only tenable theory that I have evolved is + that Lord NORTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> to absolutism is another + phenomenon of my absence) has engaged them all to patrol the + streets in his service.</p> + + <p>Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver, breaking free from this + bondage, answers a hail; but even then all is not necessarily + easy. This is the kind of thing:—</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. I want to go to Bedford Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). Where's that?</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. In Kensington.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. That's too far. I've got another job at + half-past four (<i>or</i> My petrol's run out).</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. If I gave you an extra shilling could you just + manage it?</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i> (<i>scowling</i>). All right. Jump + in.</p> + + <p>This that follows also happens so frequently as to be + practically the rule and not the exception:—</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. 12, Lexham Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. 12, Leicester Gardens.</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. No; LEXHAM.</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. 12, Lexham Road?</p> + + <p><i>You</i> (<i>shouting</i>). No; Lexham GARDENS!</p> + + <p><i>The Sunbeam</i>. What number?</p> + + <p><i>You</i>. TWELVE!</p> + + <p>To illustrate the power that the taxi-driver has been + wielding over London during the past week or so of mitigated + festivity, let me tell a true story. I was in a cab with my old + friend Mark, one of the most ferocious sticklers for efficiency + in underlings who ever sent for the manager. His maledictions + on bad waiters have led to the compulsory re-decorating of half + the restaurants of London months before their time, simply by + discolouring the walls with their intensity. Well, after + immense difficulty, Mark and I, bound for the West, induced a + driver to accept us as his fare, and took our places + inside.</p> + + <p>"He looks a decent capable fellow," said Mark, who prides + himself on his skill in physiognomy. "We ought to be there in a + quarter of an hour."</p> + + <p>But we did not start. First the engine was cold. Then, that + having consented and the flag being lowered, a fellow-driver + asked our man to help him with his tail-light. He did so with + the utmost friendliness and deliberation. Then they both went + to the back of our cab to see how our tail-light was doing, and + talked about tail-lights together, and how easy it was to jolt + them out, and how difficult it was to know whether they had + been jolted out or not, and how jolly careful one had to be + nowadays with so many blooming regulations and restrictions and + things.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile Mark was becoming purple with suppressed rage, for + the clock was ticking and all this wasted time should, in a + decently-managed world, have belonged to us. But he dared not + let himself go. It was a pitiful sight—this strong man + repressing impulse. At any moment I expected to see him dash + his arm through the window and tell the driver what he thought + of him; but he did not. He did nothing; but I could hear his + blood boil.</p> + + <p>Then at last our man mounted the box, and just at that + moment (this is an absolutely true story) it chanced that an + errand-boy asked him the way to Panton Street, and he got down + from the box and walked quite a little way with the boy to show + him. And while he was away the engine stopped. It was then that + poor Mark performed one of the most heroic feats of his life. + He still sat still; but I seemed to see his hat rising and + falling, as did the lid of WATT's kettle on that historic + evening which led to so much railway trouble, from strikes and + sandwiches to <i>Bradshaw</i>. Still he said nothing. Nor did + he speak until the engine had been started again and we were + really on our way and thoroughly late. "If it had only been in + normal times," he said grimly, "how I should have let that man + have it. But one simply mustn't. It's terrible, but they've got + us by the short hairs!"</p> + + <p>No doubt of that.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/7.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>to maid who has asked for a + rise</i>). "WHY, MARY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH + AS THAT."</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. "WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK + OUT WITH HAS JUST GOT A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I + SHALL BE OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO HIM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" + id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/8.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/8.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Gretchen</i>. "WILL IT NEVER END? THINK OF OUR AWFUL + RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY."</p> + + <p><i>Hans</i>. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY + MEAL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WARS OF THE PAST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded in the Press of the period.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>V.</h4> + + <h4><i>From "The Piræus Pictorial."</i></h4> + + <h4>GET A MOVE ON.</h4> + + <h4><i>By Mr. Demosthenes.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>The brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who has been + aptly styled "the leading light of the democracy," + contributes what is perhaps the most wonderful and powerful + article which we have had the pleasure of publishing from + his trenchant pen.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Words won't do it, my friends. We don't want speeches. We + want <i>action</i>. I ask you to give the Buskers socks. Kick + this Chorus of Five Hundred out of the orchestra. Ostrichise + the Government! Give them the bird!</p> + + <p>If I read my countrymen aright (and who does if I don't?), + what they are saying now is, "We must have a definite plan of + strong action. We are not going to fight any longer with + speeches and despatches." That's the way, Athenians! Good luck + to you! Zeus bless you. And the same to you, Tommy Hoplites and + Jack Nautes, and many of them! <i>You</i> don't mean PHILIP to + be Tyrant of Athens, do you? <i>You</i>'re not going to have + him turning our beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry stable? + <i>You</i>'re not going to see the Barbarians hanging up their + shields on the dear old statue of Athene. Of course you're not. + When I walk through the city and see, as I pass the houses of + my humbler brethren, the neat respectable little altars and the + good old well-used wine-presses (which I never do without + breathing a little prayer, uncantingly, straight from the + heart), I say, "It's a foul calumny to pretend that the people + are not all right. They are, Zeus bless 'em! All they are + waiting for is a lead. And action!"</p> + + <p>We've got to have a strong policy, my friends, and my tip to + you is—"Trust the Army! Curse the politicians!" It's no + use sitting still while ÆSCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You and + I, my brothers and sisters, as I'm proud to call you, <i>we</i> + don't spout, do we? We mean business! <i>And PHILIP means + business too</i>! At any moment he may come down on us and + devastate our quiet picturesque little demes which we all love + so well and get disgustingly drunk on <i>our</i> wine. So give + us the word, ÆSCHINES AND Co.—not many words, please, but + just <i>one</i> word—and we'll tackle him as he ought to + be tackled and put a pinch of Attic salt on his tail. We don't + want <i>this</i> PHILIP, but we <i>do</i> want a fillip of our + own. Meanwhile, are we downhearted? I <i>don't</i> think.</p> + + <p>(<i>Another powerful philippic by Mr. Demosthenes next + week.</i>)</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>What to do with our Prisoners.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Private Jones, V.C., single handed captured 102 + Germans; limited number for sale, best offers; proceeds + military hospital."—<i>Bazaar</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The towing to Madrid of the Greek steamer <i>Spyros</i> + lacks confirmation."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always had our doubts about the report.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Nevertheless, though nobody has ever sympathised with + the goose that laid the golden eggs, it is now widely + recognized that it was bad policy to kill + him."—<i>G.B. Shaw in "The Times</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even in War-time, you will notice, "G.B.S." cannot get away + from the sex-problem.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FREMDENBLATT.—Mr. Lloyd George will recognise one day + that the Allies put their heads in a sling on the day they + rejected Germany's terms."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + <p>But we may trust little DAVID to know what to do with a + sling.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/9.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/9.png" + alt="AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK." /></a> + + <h3>AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK.</h3>BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR + CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <h2>HIS MASTER'S VOICE.</h2> + + <h4>FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am the White House typewriter!</p> + + <p>I am the Voice of the People</p> + + <p>And then some!</p> + + <p>I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends,</p> + + <p>All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN,</p> + + <p>Who has a megaphone of his own.</p> + + <p>I am the soul of a great free people!</p> + + <p>Hence the <i>vers libre</i></p> + + <p>Which breathes the spirit of Democracy</p> + + <p>Because anybody can do it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who secured a second term of office for my master, + President WILSON?</p> + + <p>Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General + HARRISON GRAY OTIS?</p> + + <p>It was not.</p> + + <p>It was I!</p> + + <p>Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel + HOUSE and nearly as useless as Senator WORKS,</p> + + <p>But as my master only works me with one thumb</p> + + <p>(For fear of saying something that might have to be + explained away)</p> + + <p>I do very nicely.</p> + + <p>And when it comes to throwing the bull</p> + + <p>I am the real Peruvian doughnuts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I was new once, but obscure,</p> + + <p>Wasting my freshness on a <i>Life of Jefferson</i> + (extinct)</p> + + <p>And a <i>History of the United States</i>,</p> + + <p>Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and + the MCCLURE Syndicate</p> + + <p>Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back + page of provincial newspapers</p> + + <p>Along with <i>Dainty Diapers</i> and <i>Why I Love + the Movies</i>, by MARY PICKFORD.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am the Defender of Liberties!</p> + + <p>Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it + again;</p> + + <p>Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms + when the British Navy threatened to interfere with + business.</p> + + <p>Next to Mr. LANSING,</p> + + <p>Who is said to use a Blickensderfer,</p> + + <p>I am the hottest little protester in + Protestville,</p> + + <p>And in consequence nobody loves me,</p> + + <p>Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor + WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST;</p> + + <p>Nor even <i>The Spectator</i>,</p> + + <p>Which never did like Democrats, anyway.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now I am the Harbinger of Peace</p> + + <p>By special request.</p> + + <p>Imperial Germany,</p> + + <p>Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled + potatoes,</p> + + <p>Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter + annihilation,</p> + + <p>And the prayer is echoed</p> + + <p>By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals.</p> + + <p>So my keys tap out the glad message</p> + + <p>Of friendship for all and trouble for none.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I ask them what they are fighting about,</p> + + <p>And if it is really true that Belgium has been + invaded,</p> + + <p>And propose that we should all get together and talk + it over</p> + + <p>Nice and quietly over tea and muffins</p> + + <p>And away from all the nasty blood and noise.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus I address them,</p> + + <p>And humane Germany</p> + + <p>Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply + with my request;</p> + + <p>But the stiff-necked Entente,</p> + + <p>With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the + LINCOLN person at his worst,</p> + + <p>Merely utter joint and several sentiments</p> + + <p>The substance and effect of which appear to be</p> + + <p>"Nix!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">ALGOL.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bill</i> (<i>coming to after a shell has hit his + dug-out</i>). "HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?"</p> + + <p><i>William</i>. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL."</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' + WILLIAM?"</p> + + <p><i>William</i>. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL."</p> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT + SNOW OR DAISIES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ONLY REGRET.</h2> + + <h4>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h4> + + <p>Once upon a time a man lay dying.</p> + + <p>He was dying very much at his ease, for he had had enough of + it all.</p> + + <p>None the less they brought a priest, who stretched his face + a yard long and spoke from his elastic-sided boots.</p> + + <p>"This is a solemn moment," said the priest. "But sooner or + later it comes to us all. You are fortunate in having all your + faculties."</p> + + <p>The dying man smiled grimly.</p> + + <p>"Is there any wrong that you have done that you wish + redressed?" the priest asked.</p> + + <p>"None that I can remember," said the dying man.</p> + + <p>"But you are sorry for such wrong as you have done?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know that I am," said the dying man. "I was a very + poor hand at doing wrong. But there are some so-called good + deeds that I could wish undone which are still bearing evil + fruit."</p> + + <p>The priest looked pained. "But you would not hold that you + have not been wicked?" he said.</p> + + <p>"Not conspicuously enough to worry about," replied the + other. "Most of my excursions into what you would call + wickedness were merely attempts to learn more about this + wonderful world into which we are projected. It's largely a + matter of temperament, and I've been more attracted by the + gentle things than the desperate. Strange as you may think it, + I die without fear."</p> + + <p>"But surely there are matters for regret in your life?" the + priest, who was a conscientious man, inquired earnestly.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said the dying man. "Regret? That's another matter. + Have I no occasion for regret? Have I not? Have I not?"</p> + + <p>The priest cheered up. "For opportunities lost," he said. + "The lost opportunities—how sad a theme, how melancholy a + retrospect! Tell me of them."</p> + + <p>"I said nothing about lost opportunities," the dying man + replied; "I said that there was much to regret, and there is; + but there were no opportunities that in this particular I + neglected. They simply did not present themselves often + enough."</p> + + <p>"Tell me of this sorrow," said the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> priest. "Perhaps I may be + able to comfort you."</p> + + <p>The dying man again smiled his grim smile. "My greatest + regret," he said, "and one, unhappily, that could never be + remedied, even if I lived to be a thousand, is—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning nearer.</p> + + <p>"Is," said the dying man, "that I have known so few + children."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/11.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/11.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Sentry</i> (<i>for the second time, after officer has + answered "Friend," and come up close</i>). "HALT! WHO GOES + THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Officer.</i> "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?"</p> + + <p><i>Sentry.</i> "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIR, I'M SURE. I'M + A STRANGER HERE MYSELF."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"ABSENTEE ARRESTED.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shann on a lighter in + the Old Harbour. He failed to produce his registration card + and could offer no reason why he had not reported for + service. Subsequently he said he was 422 years of + age."—<i>Hull Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Passed for centenarian duty.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk cart; to live + in."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He will at least have the advantage of living close to his + work.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"THE BHAKTHI MARGA PRASANGA SABHA.—At Nagappa + Chetty Pillayar Vasantha Mantapam, 322 Thumbu Chetty + Street, Georgetown, to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi + Chidambara Bhagavathar will give a harikatha on + 'Pittukkumansuman tha Thiruvilayadal.'" <i>Madras + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We like the words and should be glad to hear the tune.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2> + + <h3>(SECOND SERIES.)</h3> + + <h4>XII.</h4> + + <h4>CHERRY GARDENS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where d'ye buy your earrings,</p> + + <p>Your pretty bobbing earrings,</p> + + <p>Where d'ye buy your earrings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Moll and Sue and Nan?</p> + + <p>In the Cherry Gardens</p> + + <p>They sell 'em eight a penny,</p> + + <p>And let you eat as many</p> + + <p class="i2">As ever you can.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Moll's are ruddy coral,</p> + + <p>Sue's are glossy jet,</p> + + <p>Nan's are yellow ivory,</p> + + <p class="i2">Swinging on their stems.</p> + + <p>O you lucky damsels</p> + + <p>To get in Cherry Gardens</p> + + <p>Earrings for your fardens</p> + + <p class="i2">Comelier than gems!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>XIII.</h4> + + <h4>NEWINGTON BUTTS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bung is lost from Newington Butts!</p> + + <p>The beer is running in all the ruts,</p> + + <p>The gutters are swimming, the Butts are dry,</p> + + <p>Lackadaisy! and so am I.</p> + + <p>Who was the thief that stole the bung?</p> + + <p>I shall go hopping the day he's hung!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>XIV.</h4> + + <h4>NINE ELMS.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nine Elms in a ring:</p> + + <p>In One I saw a Robin swing,</p> + + <p>In Two a Peacock spread his tail,</p> + + <p>In Three I heard the Nightingale,</p> + + <p>In Four a White Owl hid with craft,</p> + + <p>In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed,</p> + + <p>In Six a Wood-dove croodled low,</p> + + <p>In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow,</p> + + <p>In Eight a million Starlings flew,</p> + + <p>In Nine a Cuckoo said, "Cuckoo!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers + wanted."—<i>Manchester Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Are these the first-fruits of the new Food Control?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From battalion orders:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Men transferred from Command Depôt will be fed up to + the day of departure."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even commanding officers occasionally have a glimpse of the + obvious.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In expressing regret that we had dropped the word + 'culture' out of our vocabulary because of Germany, the + Archdeacon of Middlesex gave the following + definitions:—</p> + + <p>'Kultur'—Had for 'Culture.'—A word its god + the State, and which describes a was practically spirit of + sympathy materialism, the result with all that is beaubeing + simply mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, and + pure."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Even now it is not very clear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/12.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/12.png" + alt="Jan and Jarge" /></a> + + <p><i>Jan</i> (<i>repeating the Question for the tenth time + in two hours</i>). "'AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, + JARGE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i> (<i>answering the question for the tenth + time in two hours</i>). "NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR + SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jan</i>. "NOA. DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i>. "NOA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT + SOIDE?"</p> + + <p><i>Jan</i>. "NOA."</p> + + <p><i>Jarge</i>. "THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHOKING THEM OFF.</h2> + + <p>It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by + the railway companies with a view to "discourage unnecessary + travelling" prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more + stringent character, may be resorted to. By the courtesy of an + official we are able to give details of some further + innovations that have been suggested.</p> + + <p>(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be + specially trained to answer all enquiries from civilian + passengers in an ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner.</p> + + <p>Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the + correct form of reply to such questions as, "Can I take this + train to Rugby?" The answer in this case will convey a jocular + suggestion that the task is best left to the engine-driver; and + others in the same style.</p> + + <p>In all cases of urgency the formula "Wait and see" to be + freely employed for purposes of discouragement.</p> + + <p>(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as + those to Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to + be struck off, which will be disposed of by public auction to + the highest bidder.</p> + + <p>(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) + take place between stations, preference to be given to the + interior of tunnels. All artificial light will then be cut off, + and the officials of the train will run up and down the + corridors howling like wolves.</p> + + <p>(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller + (as "Margate") it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to + reply, "I double Margate"; when his opponent, the public, must + either pay twice the already increased fare or forfeit the + journey.</p> + + <p>(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the + station refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised. A return + to be made to the more "discouraging" models of fifty years + ago, which will be specially manufactured under the supervision + of the Ministry of Munitions.</p> + + <p>(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places + on the company's service at present exhibited in the + compartments to be removed, and in place of them the frames to + be filled with such chastening subjects as "Marine Drive at + Slushboro' on a Wet Evening," "No Bathing To-day" (Bude), or + "Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill at the Hotel Superb, + Shrimpville." It is felt that if this last item does not cause + people to stop at home nothing will.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <h4>"GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE ZOO.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>Lieutenant-General Sir W.R. Robertson, Chief of the + Imperial General Staff, was unanimously elected an hon. + member of the Zoological Society of London at the December + general meeting."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be raised in the + courtyards of houses in Rome."—<i>Daily + Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And we are now confidently expecting some "Lays of Modern + Rome."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"£5 REWARD,—Lost, on November 28th, in Kensington, + BLACK ABERDEEN TERRIER, name 'Cinders' on collar, also + Lt.-Col. —— and badge of S.W.B. + Regiment.—Kindly return to Mrs. + ——."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Let us hope the Colonel at least has found his way home.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>ULTIMUS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His shape was domed and his colour brown,</p> + + <p>And I took him up and I get him down</p> + + <p>In the lamp's full light, in the very front of + it,</p> + + <p>Ready and glad to bear the brunt of it;</p> + + <p>And then, having raised my hand and blessed him,</p> + + <p>I thus in appropriate words addressed + him:—</p> + + <p>"Oh, soon to be numbered with the dead,</p> + + <p>Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I said,</p> + + <p>"Prepare to vanish this very day</p> + + <p>And go to your doom the silent way.</p> + + <p>For DEVONPORT's Lord will soon decree,</p> + + <p>With his eye on you and his eye on me,</p> + + <p>That you're only a useless luxury;</p> + + <p>And, since the War on the whole continues,</p> + + <p>We must tighten our belts and brace our sinews,</p> + + <p>And give up the things we liked before,</p> + + <p>And never, like <i>Oliver</i>, ask for more.</p> + + <p>Since this is so and the War endures,</p> + + <p>I am bound to abandon you and yours,</p> + + <p>And wherever I meet you I must frown</p> + + <p>On your sweet white core and your coat of brown.</p> + + <p>But no, since you are the only one,</p> + + <p>The last of a line that is spent and done,</p> + + <p>I shall give myself pleasure once again</p> + + <p>And set you free from a life of pain.</p> + + <p>Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch you,</p> + + <p>My lonely friend, and to crunch and munch you."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So saying I smiled in a sort of dream</p> + + <p>On my absolute ultimate chocolate-cream;</p> + + <p>Then swiftly I reached my hand to get him</p> + + <p>And popped him into my mouth and ate him.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13.png" + alt="Two Burglars." /></a> + + <p><i>First Burglar</i>. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT + THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS + AT ALL FOR I NEVER COULD SEE."</p> + + <p><i>Second Burglar</i>. "COMB 'EM OUT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. + COMB 'EM OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TACTICS.</h2> + + <p>"Maman! à quel saint prie-t-on—" began Jeanne. Ah! but + no, a recollection flashed across her mind and was reinforced + by other memories. "J'en ai fini avec les saints," she mused, + proceeding to the other end of the room where, full of + intention, she busied herself among some books. Yes, she was + now quite disillusioned; that latest blow, on her recent tenth + birthday, had confirmed finally her long-growing + suspicion—prayer to the saints was unavailing.</p> + + <p>After a time; "Maman, pour que Papa vienne en permission à + qui faut-il que l'on s'adresse?"</p> + + <p>"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais, ma fi-fille, tu + sais...!"</p> + + <p>Jeanne, with an air of having something to decide for + herself, paid no heed, but resumed the study of her + picture-book description of the French Army, murmuring: "Un + colonel—est-ce que c'est comme un saint, ou bien est-ce + que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-même?"</p> + + <p>Some moments of deep silence spent in intense study ended + with a triumphant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was exactly what she + had wished to discover, the very source of power. "'Les + officiers attachés à un général pour l'exécution et la + transmission de ses ordres,'" re-read Jeanne, and commented, + "Et tout cela s'appelle l'<i>é-tat ma-jor</i> du général. Bon! + c'est bien comme je le pensais; c'est le général qui est à la + tête de tout."</p> + + <p>Her course was now quite clear. She urged and encouraged + herself: "Il faut absolument que Papa vienne en permission. + <i>Je—le—veux!</i>" And, that her intentions might + not be thwarted, absolute secrecy must be maintained, at least + in so far as the chapter relating to her terrestrial tactics + was concerned; no one would oppose intercession <i>auprès du + bon Dieu</i>.</p> + + <p>"Il faut m'adresser à tous les deux en même temps," + pronounced Jeanne, taking a sheet of note-paper. "J'écris + directement au général" (since time and space have to be + allowed for in earthly negotiations, the order must be + thus)—"et je prie le bon Dieu en personne." That both + positions should be assailed simultaneously, operations must be + begun in this quarter in the morning, at the hour of the first + postal delivery.</p> + + <p>"Point de saints, ni de colonels—maintenant je + comprends—l'<i>é-tat-ma-jor</i> dans l'Armée et les + saints au Paradis, c'est tout comme!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h4>"PUSS IN NEW BOOTS."</h4> + + <p>Five hours is a great space out of a man's life, but that + was precisely the time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to present + his <i>Puss in New Boots</i>, so that I had leisure to study + the book of the words, sold shamelessly to the unsuspecting (of + whom I was not one), and compare the rough sketches of our + three standard authors of the Lane, Messrs. COLLINS, SIMS and + DIX with the version, by no manner of means final, of the + comedians. A pantomime book is on the whole rather a mournfully + unsubtle document. The thing is frankly not meant to be read + when the blood is cool. It is the Action, Action and again + Action of such hefty knock-abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE + and STANLEY LUPINO that makes the dry bones live and the old + squibs crackle. And it is good fun to watch the audience at + their share of authorship, setting the seal of their approval + upon the happy wheeze, the well-contrived business, and + blue-pencilling with their silence the wash-out or the too + obscure allusion.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="DIANA OF THE LANE." /></a> + + <h4>DIANA OF THE LANE.</h4><i>The Baroness</i> ... Mr. + ROBERT HALE. + </div> + + <p>The show is substantially new throughout—new songs, + new scenery, new japes, new acrobatics. A new Puss, too, as + well as new boots; and, without any reflection on little Miss + LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an adequate Puss of pantomime, we + may regret Miss RENÉE MAYER.</p> + + <p>Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still delights the curious with her + Swedish exercises in alt, and makes a very pretty lady of high + degree for a pantomime marquis, who is no other than Miss MADGE + TITHERADGE stepping down from the "legitimate" and bringing an + air and an elocution unusual and admirable. She made her + excellent speaking voice do duty in recitative for song, and + the innovation is not unpleasing. If it be fair in frivolous + public places to dig down to those thoughts that better lie too + deep for tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' <i>A Song of England</i>, + clear spoken by her with tenderness and spirit, is a better + instrument than most.</p> + + <p>Mr. HALE's <i>Baroness</i> challenges comparison with Mr. + GEORGE GRAVES's. She is perhaps more womanly ("no ordinary" + type), less grotesquely irrelevant and profane—though she + does her bit. On the other hand, she is more active and less + repetitive. When, the good fairy endowing her with beauty, she + appeared as DORIS KEANE in <i>Romance</i>, that was an + applauded stroke. And when she lied beneath the tree of truth + and the chestnuts fell each time truth was mishandled, thickest + of all when it was asserted that a certain Scotch comedian had + refused his salary, this was also very well received. On the + whole, then, a satisfactory Baroness.</p> + + <p>Mr. LUPINO (the miller's second son) is really an exquisite + droll, and I don't remember to have seen him in better form. He + has some of the authentic ingredients of the old circus + clown—a very valuable inheritance.</p> + + <p>Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to watch, always has that air + of enjoying himself immensely that is the readiest way to + favour. He seemed at times to be, as it were, looking wistfully + for his old pal, GRAVES; missed probably that companionable + nose and those reliable <i>da capos</i> which give such + opportunity for the manufacture of gags; whereas Mr. HALE is a + "thruster." But cooking the <i>recherché</i> dinner in the gas + cooker that becomes a tank, and putting up the blind and laying + the carpet—here was the WILL EVANS that the children of + all ages applaud.</p> + + <p>I always find the Lane big scenes and ballets more full of + competing colour and restless movement than of controlled + design. But the Hall of Fantasy, with its spiral staircases + reaching to the flies, was an ambitious effort crowned with + success. The dance of the eight tiny zanies was the best of the + ballet. The Shakspearean pageant at the end might be (1) + shortened, and (2) brightened by the characters throwing a + little more conviction into their respective + aspects—notably the ghost of <i>Hamlet's</i> father. + However, as a popular tercentenary tribute to "our Shakspeare" + the scheme is to be commended and was as such approved.</p> + + <p class="author">T.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The Executive of the German Sporting Clubs and Athletic + Associations have issued a manifesto expressing + satisfaction at the substitution of German for English + words and phrases. "German sport," it declares, "in future + places itself unreservedly on the side of those who would + further German Kultur. German Song and German Art will in + future find a home in German sport." This new patriotic + programme has been greatly applauded in the Press, the + <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> observing that the culture of + soul and body must proceed <i>pari passu</i>, with the + result that "not only will the German sportsman become a + beautiful body, but a beautiful soul as well. Every club + must have its library, not filled with sensational novels, + but with works of art. And before all else the club-house + must be architecturally beautiful—an object from + which he may obtain spiritual edification."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The German is seldom amusing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Since humour is hardly his forte,</p> + + <p>But I've frequently smiled in perusing</p> + + <p class="i2">His latest pronouncement on sport;</p> + + <p>For it seems that he thinks it the duty</p> + + <p class="i2">Of sportsmen to aim at the goal</p> + + <p>Of adding to bodily beauty</p> + + <p class="i2">A beauty of soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They've made a good start by proscribing</p> + + <p class="i2">All English and Anglicised terms,</p> + + <p>To counter the risk of imbibing</p> + + <p class="i2">Debased philological germs;</p> + + <p>And they've coined a new wonderful lingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which only a Teuton can talk,</p> + + <p>Resembling the yelp of a dingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">A cormorant's squawk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But in spite of his prowess Titanic,</p> + + <p class="i2">His marvellous physical gift,</p> + + <p>The soul of the athlete Germanic</p> + + <p class="i2">Still clamours for moral uplift;</p> + + <p>So we learn without any emotion</p> + + <p class="i2">That, his ultimate aim to secure,</p> + + <p>He must bathe in the bountiful ocean</p> + + <p class="i2">Of German <i>Kultur</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the process of character-building</p> + + <p class="i2">Hun Art (<i>Simplicissimus</i> + brand),</p> + + <p>With its <i>rococo</i> carving and gilding,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must ever advance hand in hand</p> + + <p>With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring</p> + + <p class="i2">And exquisite engine of Hate,</p> + + <p>Whose efforts we've all been admiring</p> + + <p class="i2">So largely of late.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly,</p> + + <p class="i2">The sportsman whom Germany needs</p> + + <p>Will help to exterminate quickly</p> + + <p class="i2">All weak and effeminate breeds;</p> + + <p>And, trained in the gospel of BISSING,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will cleave to the Hun decalogue</p> + + <p>Which rivets the link, rarely missing,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twixt him and the hog.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex; under parlourmaid kept; + Roman Catholic and spectacles objected to."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our own preference is for a Plymouth Sister with + <i>pince-nez</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Cook</i> (<i>who, after interview with prospective + mistress, is going to think it over</i>). "'ULLO! + PRAMBILATOR! IF YOU'D TOLD ME YOU 'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T + HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME."</p> + + <p><i>The Prospective Mistress</i>. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK + THE PLACE WOULD OTHERWISE SUIT YOU I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD + THE CHILDREN OUT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our optimist + conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the creation of + charming people and her rare talent for making them alive. But + I wonder if she is not refining her brilliant technique to the + point of occasional obscurity of intention. At least I know I + had to re-read a good many passages to be quite sure what was + in fact intended. An implied compliment, no doubt; but are all + readers so virtuous? ("or so dull?" quoth she). + <i>Hatchways</i> (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is one of those happily + comfortable, just right houses with a hostess, + <i>Ernestine</i>, whom everybody loves and nobody (save her + husband, and he not in this book) makes love to. Holmer, on the + other hand, is the adjoining ducal mansion with a distinctly + uncomfortable dowager still in command who can't even arrange + her dinner-parties and fails to marry her sons to the right + people. Perpetually Hatchways is wiping the eye of Holmer, and + this touches the nerve of the great lady. Her sons, + <i>Wickford</i>, the authentic but hardly reigning duke, and + <i>Lord Iveagh Suir</i>, the queer impressionable (on whom the + author has spent much pains to excellent effect), both take + their troubles to <i>Ernestine</i>. And a young French aviator + (this is a pre-War story), guest at Hatchways, analyses and + discusses situations and characters from his coign of + privilege—a device adroitly handled by the discreet + author, who adds two charming girls, coquette <i>Lise</i>, + <i>Iveagh's</i> first love, and wise, loyal, perceptive + <i>Bess</i>, whom he found at last. To those who appreciate + subtle portraiture let me commend this study.... I feel just as + if I had been for a long week-end at Hatchways, anxiously + wondering, as I write my "roofer," if I shall be so lucky as to + be asked again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me in + calling <i>The Flaming Sword</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) as + noble and absorbing a story of fine work finely done as any + that the War has produced. It is the history, told by herself, + of Mrs. ST. CLAIR STOBART's Red Cross Mission "in Serbia and + Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEORGE HANKIN's moving + picture of <i>The Lady of the Black Horse</i> (a name always to + be honoured among our Allies), catches the spirit of the heroic + tale and prepares you for what the <i>Lady</i> herself has to + tell. Mrs. STOBART is no sentimentalist; fighting and the + overcoming of obstacles are, one would say, congenial to her + mettle; time and again, even in the midst of her story of the + terrible retreat, with the German guns ever thundering nearer, + she can yet spare a moment to strike shrewdly and hard for her + own side in the other struggle towards feminine emancipation + which is always obviously close to her heart. Certainly she has + well earned the right to be heard with respect. Read this + high-spirited account of the difficulties—mud, disease, + prejudice, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> famine—through which + the writer brought her charge triumphantly to safety, and + you will be inclined, with me, to throw your critical cap + into the air and thank Heaven for such women of our race, + which would be to invite, not unsuccessfully, some withering + snub from the very lady you were endeavouring to praise. But + that can't be helped. Meantime of her exploit and the book + that recounts it I can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian + that I have gleaned from its pages—<i>Dobro, + Dobro!</i> For a translation of which you know where to + apply.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>So many battle books have been pouring from the press lately + that it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder still + to find something fresh to say of each; but <i>quot homines + tot</i> points of individual interest, and for those whose + concern lies more especially with the New Zealand Forces and + their campaigns I can very safely recommend a volume which the + official war correspondent to that contingent and his son have + jointly published under the title of <i>Light and Shade in + War</i> (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM ROSS who supplies + the light, and Mr. NOEL ROSS the shade, or <i>vice versa</i>, + we are given no means of ascertaining. Between them they have + certainly put together an agreeable patchwork of small and + easily read pieces, most of which have already appeared in + journalistic form. It is perhaps parental prejudice that makes + Mr. Punch consider the best of the bunch to be "Abdul," one of + three slight sketches that originally saw the light in his own + pages. <i>Abdul</i> is a joy, also a thief, a society + entertainer, and a Cairo hospital orderly. I can only hope that + the story of how he displayed his patient's sun-browned knees + as a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, who were + visiting the hospital, is at least founded on fact. The + publishers are entirely justified in saying that these + impressions, made often under actual fire, have both colour and + intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the campaign for popular + favour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>François Villon, His Life and Times</i> (HUTCHINSON) is + one of those fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long + vacant corner. So far as I know, with the exception perhaps of + STEVENSON's study, there has been no means by which the casual + reader, as apart from the student, could correct his probably + very vague ideas about the Father of Realism. Mr. H. DE VERE + STACPOOLE, approaching the subject not for the first time, here + essays a brief life and appreciation of the poet, told in + picturesque but simple style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity + is apt to appear overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that + the story is being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. + Apart from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. + STACPOOLE's vivid reconstruction of mediæval France, and the + Paris that sheltered VILLON himself, TABARY, MONTIGNY and the + others—that group of shadows whom we see only by the + lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries pass before + us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. Occasionally indeed + Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round the tapestry, even (one + might say) tears a hole in it and pushes his head through, with + a startling effect. But as he has always the good excuse of + sympathy with his subject one easily forgives him these + generous impulses. As I said before, a book that has had its + place long reserved.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If you happen to remember that most excellent book, + <i>Brother-in-Law to Potts</i>, you may recall that the + principal motive in it is the spiritualising influence of a + certain Lady Beautiful, very lightly and even intangibly + presented, on the lives of some other persons of a more + material clay. In <i>Obstacles</i> (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. + "PARRY TRUSCOTT" has returned to her previous subject, but with + the notable difference that she now traces the influence + brought in turn to bear upon the lady herself, who emerges from + her semi-divine obscurity to become the heroine of the story. + If in her background sketch of the munitions factory where + <i>Susannah</i> elects to work the writer does not trouble much + about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any + particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or shell + bodies, yet she does convey, with striking simplicity and + naturalness, the impression of a world at war, and for the rest + she is content to bring her heroine in contact with the lives + that are to affect her and the environment of comparative + poverty that is to help her to a decision. What that decision + was, and how unnecessary too, is sufficiently indicated if I + say that she was blessed with most understanding parents, who + positively preferred that her suitor should be a poor man. And + so the happy future that surely no authoress and most certainly + no male reader could have the heart to refuse to so delightful + a <i>Susannah</i> is available to complete a picture touched + throughout with singular grace and charm. In particular the + little snap-shots of two ideal family households, the one that + includes the heroine, and another, much humbler, which she + enters as an honoured guest, go to make this volume, all too + short though it is, one that I can recommend with quite unusual + pleasure and confidence.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/16.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Waitress</i>. "NO, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT + 'AS NO REASON TO THINK THAT LORD DEVONPORT REGARDS + BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS <i>TWO</i> COURSES." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Our Citizen Soldiers.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lord George H. Cholmondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse + Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor + in that Territorial Corps."—<i>Cheshire + Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate His Worship and also the Hotts.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (as + well as the choir) are invited to sit on the + orchestra."—<i>Western Morning News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large + stock. Please state size required, and we will quote best + cash terms."—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman + whose speciality is "Families Supplied."</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13903 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13903-h/images/1.png b/13903-h/images/1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..55c8ccf --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/1.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/10.png b/13903-h/images/10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25a53b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/10.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/11.png b/13903-h/images/11.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca4cf14 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/11.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/12.png b/13903-h/images/12.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7584fdb --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/12.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/13.png b/13903-h/images/13.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c6c80e --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/13.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/14.png b/13903-h/images/14.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fbd0e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/14.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/15.png b/13903-h/images/15.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..79284b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/15.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/16.png b/13903-h/images/16.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9f489c --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/16.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/3.png b/13903-h/images/3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcd0822 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/3.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/4.png b/13903-h/images/4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9352c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/4.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/5.png b/13903-h/images/5.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..96a3a2c --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/5.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/7.png b/13903-h/images/7.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc1abdb --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/7.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/8.png b/13903-h/images/8.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de04151 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/8.png diff --git a/13903-h/images/9.png b/13903-h/images/9.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5e2997 --- /dev/null +++ b/13903-h/images/9.png |
