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diff --git a/old/13872.txt b/old/13872.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7174b7f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13872.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7247 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The +Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New-married Couple (1682) + +Author: A. Marsh + +Release Date: October 26, 2004 [EBook #13872] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TEN PLEASURES *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Victoria Woosley and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +[Illustration: THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE + Printed at London 1682 + Published by the Navarre Society London] + + + + + + THE TEN PLEASURES OF + MARRIAGE + + AND THE SECOND PART + + THE CONFESSION OF THE + NEW MARRIED COUPLE + + ATTRIBUTED TO + + APHRA BEHN + + _REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION_ + + BY + + JOHN HARVEY + + AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES + + AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES + + RE-ENGRAVED + + LONDON: MCMXXII + + _PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED_ + + + _Printed in Great Britain_ + + * * * * * + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +The Restoration brought back to England something more than a king and +the theatre. It renewed in English life the robust vitality of humour +which had been repressed under the Commonwealth--though, in spite of +repression, there were, even among the Puritan divines, men like the +author of _Joanereidos_, whose self-expression ran the whole gamut +from freedom to licentiousness. + +It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be +vividly concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the +chronicler of _The Ten Pleasures of Marriage_ revives the opprobrious +term for a tailor--"pricklouse": the whole history of the English +woollen industry and of the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic +architecture is in the nickname. Or a single phrase can light up an +idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is running +up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests +itself sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux +metagrobolized Rabelais into something almost more tumescent and +overwhelming than the original. In that vein of humour the present +work frequently runs. The author is as ready to pile up his epithets +as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he says, "for then you'll have +an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, +less than you had before." + +It is, in fact, as an example of English humour--exaggerated, no +doubt, by the reaction from Puritanism--that _The Ten Pleasures of +Marriage_ should be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it +is of uncertain parentage and must own to foreign kin. A well-known +but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally rare book is Antoine de +la Salle's _Quinze Joies de Mariage_. It seems possible that this was +translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which _The Ten +Pleasures_ was published--1682-1683--the following work was registered +at Stationers' Hall: _The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts +of matrimony, being in requital of the late fifteen_ sham _comforts_. +Moreover, _The Ten Pleasures_ was in all probability printed +abroad--Hazlitt thinks at The Hague or Amsterdam. The very first page +in the original edition contains one of several hints of Batavian +production--"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious allusion to +the great French poet, Clement Marot, may also suggest a temporary +foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known +to English readers in the seventeenth century, the exact reference of +the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on the +fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem +_Colloque de l'abbe et de la femme scavante_; and Marot certainly +wrote about women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure +in English literary allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact +suggests at least familiarity with the literature of other countries. + +But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in +general and in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as +it was in the days before our grandfathers decided that the human body +was an obscene thing and its functions deplorable. It has the +middle-class love of good food--Colchester oysters (famous then as +now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges, +comfits, pancakes--enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid +English furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians" +(valences), "daslles" (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush +chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the fuss of preparation for +childbirth--the accumulations of wrappings, the obstetric furniture, +the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic ancestors +of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig--why, the haste to fetch the +midwife at the crisis might almost be the foundation upon which +Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff, Esq., to Kingsgate Street, +High Holborn. + +It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average +fairly prosperous English life--the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the +sea-captain's. The author clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew +that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had to be fully written up for +scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts. (But the +pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of +business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief +description of his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to +some extent, has a certain life in it, as if the writer, embittered, +was recalling his own youthful experience.) He knew, too, what to-day +we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a merchant's +business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the +actual supply of material--"what commodities are arrived or expected," +and whether tea is up 1/2d. or tin 3/4d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The +commercial world changes only its methods of communication and +expression. + +The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary +interest. From the literary point of view, it is a near +descendant--collateral, if not direct, and anyhow based on the same +English empirical humour of life--of Thomas Overbury's _A Wife_ +(1614--only one unique copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's +_Microcosmographie_ (1628), in prose, and Thomas Bastard's +_Chrestoleros_* (1598), in verse. It is an early instance of the +stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material +previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is +directly in the succession which in the end produced what is perhaps +the most enduring and individual phenomenon in our literature--the +English novel. + + * A copy of the very rare first edition fetched L155 at the + Britwell sale in February 1922. + +Of course the book says things we do not say now openly--though the +traditional _corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum_ which almost all men +and even some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from +generation to generation, solely by word of mouth, and flickers now +and again in _The Ten Pleasures_. But they were said openly then, and +by great writers. There is nothing here so nauseatingly indecent as +the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev. the Dean +of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are +bawdy words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the +Summoner or Tom Jones might have used--less, on the whole. There is no +need, to borrow a phrase from the book's sequel, to "make use of the +gesture of casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls +will solace their spirits with a little laughter, and never busy their +brains with the subversion of Church and State government." + +Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in +his pages like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house +for the Puritans, not even, apparently, in the bringing up of his +child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth" +must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no +_Catechizing of Families_--a discourse published by Richard Baxter in +this very year 1683; and the only _Compassionate Counsel_--a Baxter +pamphlet of 1681--he is likely to offer to young men is to take life +lightly, as his hero does, and above all, not to marry. + +For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is +less well sustained in the sequel, _The Confession of the New Married +Couple_, and dropped altogether in the bitter _Letter_ at the end of +_The Ten Pleasures_). It is a savage attack upon women--upon (to quote +a Rabelaisian sentence) "the quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud, +opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of the female sex." +Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots and +Shoes, etc., for we find both Merchants and money ready always to buy +those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for one of his +implications is that women can easily be bought. But he--if it is a +"he"--is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully--what +are they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well: +here are the pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a +match--and look at all the worry of the settlement, in which, by the +way, you may often be defrauded. You will get married--a fine +ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of the +neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the +occasion. You get married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your +wife, who will indulge your wishes or not as suits her mood. Your +house will be all awry if she has but a slight headache. When the baby +comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen and +medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father +added to the discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your +wife will know how "to cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay +lady of Covent Garden. And so on. + +Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression +if not in thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of +English middle-class life under James II. that the importance of the +book lies. Here is the domestic side of what the great diarists and +the great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records, +those treasuries of private appearances in public, chronicle with the +severity of judgment. You have the young couple going (alas that the +river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved farther up its own +course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and Southwark +echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at +Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre +on Bankside, for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter +preached. Or they might go into Kent and pick fruit, even as +"beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for its cider and perry, +the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only for +an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the +streets gay with signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but +taverns wear to-day--the sign of the _Silkworm_ or the _Sheep_, or +that fantastic schoolmaster's emblem, the _Troubled Pate_ with a crown +upon it. And when they stopped for rest at the sign of a bush upon a +pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef, the +neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high +and crops poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom, +and fruits of war. If the impositions and taxes run high, the country +farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must +be given, or else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long +ago as 1682? + +As a _genre_ work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The +gradual social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop +into stagnation under the first Georges, caused didactic works, guides +to manners, housewifery and sport, society handbooks, to proliferate. +_The Ten Pleasures_ mentions some standard works, which every good +housewife would probably possess--Nicholas Culpepper's medical +handbooks, for instance, and _The Complete Cook_, which indeed, as +part of _The Queen's Closet Opened_, had reappeared in its natal year +1682-1683. The same year saw the birth of such works as _The Complete +Courtier_, _The Complete Compting House_, _The Gentleman Jockey_, _The +Accomplished Ladies' Delight._ Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in +readiness for the complacent century about to open. It was also being +explored, not only in such works as _The Ten Pleasures_ and _The +Woman's Advocate_, but in others (entered as published, but in many +cases not known to be now extant) like _The Wonders of the Female +World_, _The Swaggering Damsel_, or _Several New Curtain Lectures_, +and _Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious +dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice_--all +produced in that same _annus mirabilis_ of outspoken domesticity. + +_The Ten Pleasures_, apart from its intrinsic interest, is +exceptionally important from a book-collector's point of view. It is +of the utmost rarity. There is no copy in the British Museum and none +in the Cambridge University Library. In fact, there are only two +copies known of the whole work--one in the Bodleian (wanting one +plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth +Collection had a copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies +contain the second part--_The Confession_--and evidently the two +parts, though they have separate title pages, and were published at +different times, were intended to form a complete work. + +Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page. +A. Marsh cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers' +Registers for the period. It may be that Marsh thought it too +licentious for registration (an improbable supposition), and so, as +Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad. + +But the initials A.B. at the end of the _Letter_ in the first part may +be a clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they +are those of Aphra or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first +woman to earn her living by her pen. It is true that she was, so to +speak, a feminist: the preface and epilogue to her _Sir Patient +Fancy_ speak bitterly of those who would not go to her plays because +they were by a woman. On the other hand, she had a free pen, to say +the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch +associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She +had herself been on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated +a Dutch book on oracles. If the book was printed in Holland, she of +all people could get the work done. And she knew the city of London +intimately. + +There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in _Sir +Patient Fancy_, which recall touches in _The Ten Pleasures_. She +introduces a Padua doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her +plays, a curious interest in medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir +Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is swelling up like the "pipsy" +husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping begins to be as +ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their +mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of +mankind." It is not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered +moment this singular woman threw herself with malicious joy into an +attack on her own sex. + +"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric +deservedly lives. If she wrote _The Ten Pleasures_, the sort of love +she describes in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet +if we want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart +from the curious interest of its rarity, _The Ten Pleasures_ is a +sturdy piece of human nature. + +JOHN HARVEY. + + * * * * * + + + + +PUBLISHER'S PREFACE + + +"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to +the Romance of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted +by the Navarre Society, is surely proof most positive. The original is +a small thick volume; it bears the imprint "London, Printed in the +year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that copy lay +unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's +shop. + +Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the +manners of the commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague, +who wondered why he did not know it. After purchasing it he found the +reason why--the Bodleian Library alone possessed a copy of the work +(imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only) appeared in the +last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present +text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above. + +The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book, +which presents pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play +which Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have +written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if +so, it may well be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to +England foundered in the North Sea, or was sunk by enemy craft. There +can be no doubt that such a work would not have escaped the wits of +the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention would +have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other +so likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself. + +It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time +permit, with a Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the +industrious and sometimes brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which +the Navarre Society believe to be well grounded. They hope that the +issue of the book to their subscribers may help to confirm or refute +that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex. +Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so +vividly representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued +from the obscurity to which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it +and worthily preserved for scholars and amateurs of the future. + + * * * * * + + + + + THE TEN + + PLEASURES + + OF + + MARRIAGE. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +THE TEN + +PLEASURES + +OF + +MARRIAGE, + +_Relating_ + +All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of +Matrimony. + +Written by A. MARSH, Typogr. + +LONDON, + +Printed in the Year, 1682. + + * * * * * + + + + +TO THE READER. + + +Courteous Reader, + +_This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of +some spare hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small +time, between whiles, hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring +down again, still pitching upon the subject of the Ten Pleasures of +Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find somthing worthy of +thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as hath +never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither +canst thou well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat +words, as other subjects may be, but only to be clad in plain habit +most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I perceive that it please +thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor brain'd in the +Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will +incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same_ +Tune, _but I mean to the same_ Purpose, _and apparelled very near the +same dress: In the mean time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to +this, and give it a gentle reception, from him who is thine. +Farewell._ + + * * * * * + + + + +THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE. + + +The Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles & +calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people should +be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the younger +sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling +desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a +multiplying glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are +once come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should be +drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morrice fooles +caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger +it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible +estate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second and +third time. Truly, if for once any one be through contrary +imaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, and +alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, or +compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second +and third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from +speaking, and ty their tongues from complaining, that their miseries +might not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they truly +merit. + +And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as +well known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we +see them run into it with such an earnestness, that they are not to be +counselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of _Hercules_; +despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery. + +But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, +how they decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all +manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of +musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages, +studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst +Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any +exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors +of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of +more then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a +damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saint +upon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty and +perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed +all together. + +And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so +much money, and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and +totally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel. +They are then hardly arrived at this intitled happiness, but they must +begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof, +without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to +the Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what +they shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith so +tosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totally +laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree, +but also in persons that have received promotion. + +For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly +stragling about his study, even as his sences do, one among another. +And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, +which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can be +fitted. + +If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own +sicknes, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of +them were lying at deaths dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had +appointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no +more notice of his Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then +if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the +wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is +incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, +or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper. + +If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to +begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in +Marriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment of +poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then +being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his +advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with +his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. +But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little +enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood +at the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif and +Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, +the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can +make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions. + +There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say +otherwise, but _'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready +against the next meeting_; and are, with grief at heart, forced to +see as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the +whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now +discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health +of the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants; +which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may +boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a +glass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as +ever _Nectar_ and _Ambrose_ could be, that the Poets so highly +commend. + +If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what +can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they +are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary +clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning +the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to +the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills and +other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the +beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between +friends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and an +implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent and +self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and +Attorneys. + +And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of +this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily +neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies +a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what +Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or +expected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in few +daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this +distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a +Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and +who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage. + +And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a +military person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in +Garison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets, +flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds; +though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not +mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, +and a great deal more that belongs to him. + +And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with +him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide +fields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especially +by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet +now he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to +the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered +Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady +Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State +affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd +_Jeronimo_. + +And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with +any strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of +his own Bom, and practises all sorts of waies and means how he shall +best make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go again +to his fair one. + +And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, +when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring +seas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hath +to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How often doth he hazard his +Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an inconstant +draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath +drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet +nevertheless, tho the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his +head, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering +_Boreas_, powerfull enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive those +damps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, having +driven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh, +that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, those +twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things +would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were +immediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, +unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast, +oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty weather, and he +hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger, +that before was so far preserved. + +And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive +Wilderness, he doth nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon +his Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressing +himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach or Pair of Oars +to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with +what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with +waiting upon his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all +things, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not only +found without a Master, but the servants without government. And at +New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any body +desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he +can't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where he +stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd +to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, +and then out of an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes +receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all his +business with his sences runs a wool-gathering. + +To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner +touch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast +the kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns and +briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he is +gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his Mistriss, +and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness; +immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair; +being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or +Tutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; or +else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another in +his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well as +himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a +pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And +if the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him to +fight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting of +her, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand +torments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures this +introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from the +marriage it self? + +Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would +not but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging +madness? yet Lovers go forward, and please your selves with this +imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, you +obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and +feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Folio 10. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE FIRST PLEASURE. + +_The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept._ + + +Now, O Lover, till this time you have been indeavouring, slaving, +turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and begging to get from those +slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent; you have +also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors, +who were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could +obtain nothing; yet at last that long desired Word, is once descended +by the Draw-bridge of her lips, like a rich cordial upon your +languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals. Oh who can +imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts +glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials +are laid aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a +sudden be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet +concluded. Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then +you now possess! For what you will, she will also: and what she +desires, is all your pleasure. You may now tumble in a bed of Lillies +and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles, and she +that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her. +Yea, those snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch +with your little finger; you may now, without asking leave, grasp by +whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full view, consider all this +rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in the World? +O unspeakable pleasure! + +But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too +much upon these glistering things: be a little moderate in your +desired pleasures, if it might happen that there come some +cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all those +suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that +the mouth which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and +appear'd as if it had been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was +compared to be the jaws of _Cerberus_. And those breasts, which before +were the curded _Nacter_-hills, and called the Banket of the Gods, I +have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and call'd +worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) somewhat moderate and +prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this market might +fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly. + +Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis +hop'd there'l be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite, +that you should go unto all the friends, that must be present at the +meeting, to hear when their occasions will permit them, and what day +and hour they will appoint to set upon the business, herewith you have +work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of +them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day, +another to morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by +this first Pleasure, you have also a little feeling of the first +trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is to your advantage, because +you may the better use your self to the following. And of how greater +State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly +this trouble generally happens to be more. + +But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours, +troubles and turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together, +and you doubt not but the match will be closed and agreed upon. But be +here also a little moderate in your mirth, because oftentimes the +friends handle this matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony +bags of each side in a balance, as you may see by the Plate. + +In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in +the next room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and +keeping of the Wedding; but perhaps, through the discord of the +friends, it will not be long before you are disturb'd; the differences +oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters through the +Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one +is too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that +the Parents of the Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and +the Brides Parents will give too little with their Daughter. Or else +that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they indeavour to make the +goods of each side disinheritable, &c. So that it appears among the +friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter. + +And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that +it is not all hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were +better for these two to remain unmarried, then to bring each other +into misery; and can find no grounds or reasons, but rather to +disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage. + +But tho, on each side, they use never such powerfull arguments, to +the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for there's fire in the flax, +and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid thinks, if this +match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we have +had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am +ruined for ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so +constant to him, not hearkning to the advice of her friends, is so +struck to the heart with such fiery flames of love, that he's resolved +never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water, or go a +begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of +Matrimony for what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and +Damnation, I am contented, and resolve to sign it: but thinking by +himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and new made again: +hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with black +clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by +Eclipses. + +But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for +the knot is tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very +circumstantially write the Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by +both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen from my heart, and a +Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for more then +ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; about +goes a health, the good success of the marriage, and every one wishing +them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of prosperity, + + _If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give, + How richly this young couple, then might live._ + +Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose +nothing by it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it +produces. Then if there be but one among them who is talkative, and +that by drinking merrily the good success of the approaching marriage, +his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at the closing +of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate; +and commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at +first he had the World at will; but then there came this, and then +that, and a thousand other vexatious things, which continually, or for +the most part of the time with great grief and trouble had kept him so +much backward, that it was long before he could get forward in the +World. + +Well, M^{r}. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top, +and rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you have +now gotten your legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired +for Fetters, that nothing but death it self can unloosen them. + +And you, M^{rs}. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking +countenance; be you merry, you are the Bride; yea the Bride that +occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband +too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble +and rumble you, and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation, +that will comfort the very cockles of your heart. He will (if all +falls out well) be your comforter, your company-keeper, your +care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish for, or +the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your +palefac'dness, your pains in the reins of your back, and at your +heart, and all other distempers whatsoever. He will also wipe of all +your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream of that thing in the +night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then your +Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry? + +But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice; +pray tell me, when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage, +what was the reason that you alter'd so mightily, & that your hand +shook so? Verily, though I am no Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet +nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best signs; and that one +might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; the +events whereof would be more certain then any thing that _Lilly_ or +any other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a +short time it will discover it self. + +Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and since you have gotten +your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it would be +unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business. +And indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must +trouble your head with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the +Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and many other things are yet to be +bought. Well, who can see an end of all your business! There's one +piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third looks dull +and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little +or nothing bought yet. + +And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in +contriving, ordering and looking upon things, you are every moment +hindered, & taken off from it, with a continual knocking at the dore +to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits, another to deliver +the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &c, a third to be Cook, +& Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thundering +so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry +their message to the Bride. + +Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker, +and Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought & +ordered for the Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands; +and handkerchifs; & do but see, the day is at an end again: my brains +are almost addle, and nothing goes forward: For M^{rs}. Smug said she +would bring linnen, and M^{rs}. Smooth laces, but neither of them both +are yet come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and +comfort your selves, that the Bride will reward you liberally for your +pains. + +Well, M^{rs}. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you +now do (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled +pate with a Crown upon it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is +once over? could you ever have thought that there was so much work to +be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that for these few +troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your +case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running +up and down like a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may +be proclaim'd. And now he's a running to and again through the City, +to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, that are capacitated to +entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty discourses, +waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the rest of +the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some +good _Canary_, _Rhenish_ & _French_ Wines, that those friends which +come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with +a delicate glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie +about the Brides adornments, may tast the Brides tears. + +But really friends, if you come to tast the Brides tears now, 'tis a +great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and unfeigned +ones, you must come some months hence. + +O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil, +and run up and down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one +another; he is doubtless chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her +some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike her ne'r a whit the worse; +and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to disswade +her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care +for that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings +over. For now you have as much work as you can turn your self to, in +getting all your things in a readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and +Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find that oftentimes two or +three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the greatest +slavery imaginable. + +Yet, M^{r}. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this +reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a +golden Tapistry laid before you, and for your honour the Organs +playing. The going with a Coach to marry at a Country Town, has not +half so much grace, and will not at all please the Bride: it is +therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who +shall be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens, +but there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don, +but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally +the Guests shall be treated; for they would come off with credit and +little charge. To this is required the advice of a steward, because it +is their daily work. And he for favour of the Cook, Pasterer, and +Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) orders all things +so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite. And +the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but +once the Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another +consideration to be taken in hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegrooms +friends shall be plac'd at the Table, the ordering whereof, many times +causes such great disputes, that if they had known it before, they +would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and +the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell +this marriage nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But +Bridegroom to drive these damps out of your brain, there's no better +remedy then to go along with your Bridemen to tast the Wedding wine; +for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a delicate tast +and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so +delicious as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be +so many curious tasters. Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you +may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant +is such a noble blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before +they have drunk as many Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask +that they tasted of. + +Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing +but superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers, +who are constantly talking & prating that the married estate brings +nothing but care and sorrow with it; here, to the contrary, they may +see how all minds & intentions are knit together, to consume and pass +away these daies with the most superabounding pleasures. Away with +sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct there is +nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may +enjoy the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage. + +But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing, +and thinks her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first +Wedding-night will be ended, that she might carry up some water to the +young couple, and have a feeling of those liberal gifts that she shall +receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all her attendance, +running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has +deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and +was very diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters; +but all upon fair promises, having carried her self in the time of +their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never had +in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom, + + _And now the Bride is in the bed, + The former promises are dead._ + +Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as +is becoming you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man, +Coachman, or neighbors servant, may fall in love with you; for many +times out of one Wedding comes another, and then you might come to be +a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as well as +your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night. +Then you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of +marriage, and with the Bride expect the second. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE SECOND PLEASURE. + +_The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of +the Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others._< + + +Well, young married people, how glad you must needs be, now the +Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You may now ly and +sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves +quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another +the exercise and handling of Venus Weapons. + +Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your +appetites, & do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo +_Aretin_, and all her light Companions, in all their several postures. +Now you may rejoice in the sweet remembrance, how sumptuous that you +were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other ornaments that my Lady +_Bride_, and Madam _Spend-all_, first invented and brought in +practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were +used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon +Instruments, singing, leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that +youth being back'd with Bacchus strength uses either for mirth or +wantonness. + +[Illustration: Folio 30. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +O how merry they were all of 'em! And how deliciously were all the +dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for the Cook +and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble, +and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten +gallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant +remembrance. + +And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self; +you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling +narrow-soul'd Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely, +without controul, do all what you have a mind to; and receive +therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best +beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth. + +And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how +willingly doth liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for +you! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in the +least comprehend. + +Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your +desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs; +for after some few daies, it may be hungry care will come and open +the Curtains of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings +you are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man, +Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others. + +But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear +your young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with +her Sister and her Aunt to buy houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush +and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And then +she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately Register, +that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a +fellouw-feeling of it. + +For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses, +Chiny-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich +Pictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a +curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, several Webs for +Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, and +a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related: +For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they +increase every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudent +Wives. + +And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at +least the Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good +carefull labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow, +that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately +brought home. + +And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant +and merry; for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be +without them; and that mony must alwaies be certainly ready, get it +where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all this, at least, there must +needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into our house. + +You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a +good Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses, +Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you +may go then, with your Hony, twice a year, for the refreshing of your +spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruits +of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes you +with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion, +indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment. +If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land, +and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat some +new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things; +in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you. + +For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are +burnt, the Orchards destroied, and the growth of the Fields spoiled! +therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but +think, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions +and Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that +the War costs mony, and it must be given, or else we should lose all. + +At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this +gallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many +Orchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags +don't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that most no +waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at such trivial +things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to +our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in +ready mony, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger, +you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might play +Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies fast, and they will pay +well, when the War is done. + +Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your +self merry, with the hearing that your friends commend the +entertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or three +daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of the +nearest acquaintance, will come _a la grandissimo_ to give you thanks +for all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowed +upon them; which will be done then with such a friendly and +affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must +invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make +an addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness, +mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friends +and acquaintance. + +'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding +who were displeased, for not being entertained according to their +expectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some +other friends were not seated in their right places; that M^{rs}. +_Leonora_ had a jole-pate to wait upon her; and M^{r}. _Philip_ an old +_Beldam_; M^{r}. _Timothy_ was forced to wait upon a young +snotty-nose; and that Squire _Neefer_ could not sit easily, and +M^{rs}. _Betty's_ Gorget was rumbled; and that _Mal_, and _Peg +Stones_, and _Dol Dirty-buttocks_, were almost throng'd in pieces; and +could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all be +troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis +enough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them +with your Feast. + +Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highest +degree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you +so much mony; for if you had left them all at home, you could have +had no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self +with this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at +so high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or three +several times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass of +Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to +govern and satisfied. + +'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends +animate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and +surprize you; with shewing their thankfulness and satisfaction for the +respect they have received from you; and that they are alwaies +desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give +you a visit. + +This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and +Cellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing +among them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well. + +And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are) +your Wives maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and +unhandsomly; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends, +beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be an +incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain your +friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep a fair +correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an +afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and +Peaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a +good glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dish +of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oisters; but none of these +neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Oh +quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts, +such Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage? + +Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him +to go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it +will be extreamly pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid to +him; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, and +pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity is +renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a +Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be +extraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more +agreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental in +helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a double +increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompany +her, and drive fancies out of her head. + +If your Wife should fail in her choice of houshold-stuff, and other +sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudent +School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and +advise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be +neatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art +of ordring things, that you need not dispute with your Wife about the +hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for they'l presently +say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; and +that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place +with curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will +deliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for the +pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wish +for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with hammers: give +it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If +there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might +happen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm. +It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones, +should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contrive +and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most +suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in +the night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest; +therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed. + +And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the +School to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should +already begin to grumble and talk how needfull it is to be sparing and +thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that monies is +not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must be +paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent. +For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you +might get for an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor +Bridegroom? This would be sad to hear. + +Go therefore to School by _Pythagoras_ to learn silence; and to look +upon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do +her own pleasure; and to mix hony with your words. Then you shall +possess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfull +steps enter upon the folowing. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE THIRD PLEASURE. + +_The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by +all their friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country +for their pleasure._ + + +If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young +married people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest and +smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to invite +every one to the Wedding, this sweet _Venus_ must be led abroad, and +shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World +must see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree +together. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up in +their best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets with +tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all their +acquaintance to see whether they are looked at. + +[Illustration: Folio 52. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go +ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by +some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and +prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according +as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married +estate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the +good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman, +what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a +maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour +every one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking +pleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist, +receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind +are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands, +but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a +fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve +therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them +where ever there is occasion. + +And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for +every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is +oft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd +alwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little +drousie, or that the head akes; the husband knows a present remedy to +settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to +see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh our +selves, or else go and take the air upon the _Thames_ with a Pair of +Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all _Lambeth_, the +_Bankside_, and _Southwark_ shakes with it. Oh that _Apollo_ would but +drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for +it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the +Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he +cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage? + +To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at +rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young +woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures +in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then +to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, and +having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she +hath a great mind to see _Oxford_ and _Cambridge._ + +Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see _York_, +_Glocester_ and _Bristol_, and take our pleasures those waies; for I +have heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant +travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to +relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart +leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as soon as I am married, I +will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither; +because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he would +sometimes relate of _Herefordshire_ what delicious Syder and Perry is +made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go +that way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the +Fountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week. + +It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus +much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is +already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, +Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he +cannot disswade her from it. + + _You may as soon retort the wind, + As make a woman change her mind._ + +In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies +concludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come +again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my +Dear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me to +go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly, +why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out +a month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother, +or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town! +For the first year will not come again." + +Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his +wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily +tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that, +for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for +a marriage lesson, _Have a care of making the first difference._ If he +speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would +occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be +guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing. + +Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk +they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their +best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all +their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and +some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it would +have no grace. + +Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and +prosperity upon their journy, & so do I. + +But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young +woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the +World turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she +shall vomit her very heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take +her off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he +knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might +give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And she +poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepist +himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not; +which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear +the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning +to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space +softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to +get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her +distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly +forwards, to get to the end of their journy. + +Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of +marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me +thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little +trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive, +and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these +dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your +stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of +filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse +then your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you: +The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall +first whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will +receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her +imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which will +the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities +of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the +more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much +joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and +civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth. + +But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to +speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he +will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an +incurable deafness. + +They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go +along with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither +would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good +friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the +dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for +th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish +the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further +attend them upon their journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and +away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the +liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the +flight with his Proserpina through the City. + +But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth +will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an +eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this +must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you +must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your new +wife. + +These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you +must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from +home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the +ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that +maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts; +and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep +open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the +neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them +was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted +and domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how +they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse +Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best. + +Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there +be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be +lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices +to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that +their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the +Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number, +but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in +that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men +& maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience +hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been +eased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the +whole World. + +These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but +if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved +of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of +what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and +inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visible +unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or +other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, +whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects +his Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation & +Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all oft-times +knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so +inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the +neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume your +self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and +uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married +Mistris. O miserable pleasure! + +But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as +soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your +wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home. +Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up & +down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is +impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and +then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared +suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to +be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order +for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she +cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about +her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the +troublesomness of the journy. + +In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and +laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that +their Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to +have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by +stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he +had the eyes of _Argolus_ can attrap them; for if by chance you should +perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude +you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is +easily pacified and satisfied for that time. + +And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of +a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, +getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally +see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to +do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping +hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set +in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding. + +And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a +Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take +her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house. +And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair, +seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies stragling +about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds +a fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistris hath had +such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was +beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she +had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this +is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have +been. + +Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to +speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer +is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things, +leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no +understanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman to +have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now +and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of +so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of. + +Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give +him full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all +things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their +Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a Tom _Peep in the +pot_, or _Goodman busiebody_. And before dinner is fully done, he must +hear _Peg_ asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, to +go by and by and give Mistris _Moody_ a visit, or discourse a little +with Madam Elenor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need you +ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North +Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily. +Madam _Elenor_ will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that +she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a +drift, and away she goes with _Peg_ out of dores. Let it go then as it +will with the house keeping. + +This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies +agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out +of Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure +enough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistris _Moody_, and courteous +Madam _Elenor_. + +Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles +there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may +think then what the middle and end must be. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Folio 54. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE FOURTH PLEASURE. + +_The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her +barrenness, and takes Physick for it._ + + +Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they +have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by +all their acquaintance. + +Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of +what friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the great +difference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners and +deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the _Hills_, _Dales_ +and _Meadows_ lie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but most +particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be +treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the +weakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who +possess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desire +to be at home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their +own Tables. + +Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man +hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all +such idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairs +and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a +handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had +her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of +pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some +care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out +so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man. + +But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, +without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will +beleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of your +marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already got +footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments: +Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better +understanding of further pleasures. + +For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to +complain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life; +that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a new +Maid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commanding +her the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are +things that she before never used to trouble her self with; and that +it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in a +strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that the +good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these +foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle +her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her +tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't. +And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end, +there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendant +Sunshine. + +For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape +acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which +increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to +that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at +home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with her +child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres _Breedwell_ +making ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together. +Yonder Mistris _Maudlen_ complains that she doth not prove with child; +& then Mistres _Young-at-it_ brags how nearly she could reckon from +the very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this three +months, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still +as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof? + +This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the +brain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not +understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the better +how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance +what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly +relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the +curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she +may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he +doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the +employ, &c. for the verification whereof the Councel of women bring so +many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to +speak of them. + +Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their +advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would +oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good for +my self, _viz._ Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones, +Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-house +and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from +Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling +for the kidneys. And then I would many times my self by dallying with +him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it; +whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor +want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess, +that you had sufficiently done your indeavour. + +Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy +man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws +at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which +other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that +your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you a +thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to +express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the +morning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very +great pleasures. + +But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain +in the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her +husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting +her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a +good man Do-little, &c. + +This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never +so much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from +the reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper; +the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance +that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still +complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted. + +And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her +brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that +she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediately +she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peoples +children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably, +as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth more +simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have +done. By which means the children have many times as great an +affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and +Mother. + +This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her +husband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means +knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that +she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no +less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest she +is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is +freed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a +child. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of her +neighbours child, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in +the World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies so +long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against +her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run +distracted. + +But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no +means or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best +himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that +French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and +women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children: +Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a +daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very +necessary that the good woman her self consult with some experienced +Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which +are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken +away. + +To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought +together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to +work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith +(as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they +make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may +be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts +of the body; then to open those that were stopt and caused +Distempers. + +But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, +where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her +husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels. + +And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head +next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon +all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she +will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately +saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only +pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times +in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen +to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no +wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at +variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind +hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a +child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may +crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him +that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing +that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning +the tide. + +To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife +is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is +very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child. + +But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to +hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand +in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young +people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the +satisfaction of the Master. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE FIFTH PLEASURE. + +_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs._ + + +The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I +find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally +that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that! +Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath +been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made +for some good effects. + +How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, +and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, +for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman, +and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance +is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature +abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, & +Thus the women talk. + +[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly; +continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at +any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain +the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must +suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a +distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state +and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and +preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her +often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or +maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass +it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for +the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is +common with big-bellied women to do so. + +But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and +groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid +it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally +shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide +your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good +sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. +For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first +Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her +heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house +must be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold, +out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self +herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your +wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage. + +Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are +invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the +Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or +have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it, +are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little +in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else +should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good +woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the +Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities +sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd, +or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her. + +And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for +the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom +knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it +tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again, +according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick +with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately +another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three. + +And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; +but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure +her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for +fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an +heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end +an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this +and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband +without a wife, and the family without a mistris. + +Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is +generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will +be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all +sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year +affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with +sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad +to spend much, and at home neglect more. + +If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, +that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. +Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, +or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the +Country that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had. + +And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat +to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to +humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the +occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he +pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it, +because many women are very fearfull upon the water. + +But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found +to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your +self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much +molest and disturb you. + +You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to +be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all +what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can +be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time +what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you +must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child +would have some hindrance by it. + +Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and +prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with +child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the +providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to +you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not +alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or +cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he +shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure. + +It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport +their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the +summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest +Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, +and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of: +And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full +satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some +great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and +dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get +a blemish by it. + +If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to +sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as +if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and +whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If +she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the +next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall +nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no +help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or +cost what it will. + +And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what +the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their +superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a +thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible +charges and great expence. + +But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us +some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing +desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy +Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for +Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed +for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear +before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real +longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate +desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply +imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and +t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, +is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly +for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very +middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young +Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not +without paying excessive dear for them. + +This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and +nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how +often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that +both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night, +must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or +some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that +can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before +hath an appetite prepared for it? + +Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon +multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a +griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion +Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new +work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what +he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other +Physick taken for it. + +But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as +the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the +Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge +touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is +fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her +good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white +Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar, +and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know +where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found +in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of +those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also +ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or +Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the +second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and +the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a +glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, +and occasions you a good quickness, &c. + +Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much +better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal +of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the +back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable +ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that +Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good +an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or +with an antipathy, by the Patient. + +Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a +higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and +your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and +pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes +you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also +now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a +thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties. +Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six +months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly +when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in +season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then +that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth. + +Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not +these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a +beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as +a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, +and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience +thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to +be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, +perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at +this happiness. + +But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and +Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you +thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely +admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, +and in a manner too late to repent of. + +Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into +the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this +unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this +state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is +spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all +to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE SIXTH PLEASURE. + +_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a +Midwife and Nurse._ + + +In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron +from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may +plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one +acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a +great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to +be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to +provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you +need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will +happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff +unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist +(as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full +created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg. + +And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, +that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John +Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for +quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because +you could have no witnesse for your vindication. + +You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted +with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable +for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before. + +O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide +for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the +months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath +she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, +because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that +the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, +and increaseth the affections. + +Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the +Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the +disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there +is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations; +But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no +speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: +besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone +till another time. + +Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in +requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! +the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full +of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not +so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it. +Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak +to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so +imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but +her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what +belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her +acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently +ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, +so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht +upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers +were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In +the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are +then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word +is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women +generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in. + +But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the +Maid. + +To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the +Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her +Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the +Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, +trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, +quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to +school to learn casting of an account. + +Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the +charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to +market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very +fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice +what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it +might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now +possess. + +Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to +your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies +accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all +things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed +linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were +made. + +But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice; +for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go +and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the +time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay. + +Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l +find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you +glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of +importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, +because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of +the Woman; and on the other that of the Child. + +Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and +acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your +advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you +may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a +little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for +all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst +the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is +not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, +another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth +hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short +there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good +woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse +the best. + +And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, +having already spent above a months time in examining among her +kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such +nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few +to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very +great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a +third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, +and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, +and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a +one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to +make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a +matter of no small weight. + +Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you +may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a +wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns +and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very +cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till +evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that +nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how +mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever! + +And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; +but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that +she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there +wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to +it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with +the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again +there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver +candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & +used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not +fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & +again. + +Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all +these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could +begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; +and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the +rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the +Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good +woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring +eyes are peeping into every hole and corner. + +These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly +the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it +oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she +is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she +happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an +alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or +other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor +husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some +Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such +sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal +keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O +how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her +child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which +makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical +humours. + +But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not +only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that +some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and +withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that +noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect & +reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your +first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither +will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several +liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above +others, in being favoured with your Gossipship. + +Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then +suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges +to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the +World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with +your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, +for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the +Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the +long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will +come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much +joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come +also to the Christning and Gossips Feast. + +Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to +appear. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE SEVENTH PLEASURE. + +_The Woman falls in Labour._ + + +Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent +and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you +now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or +unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of +these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the +longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very +unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, +grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and +fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed. + +But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said +that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? +should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, +and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her +reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the +Trade goes forwards. + +[Illustration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near +or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress, +and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of +them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every +day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, +they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very +unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time +to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing +upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife +with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions +for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; +neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should +not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because +she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go. + +Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the +Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the +maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night, +whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells +in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City: +(for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that +she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife). + +Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for +a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the +sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not +find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to +some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should +happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this +Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take +any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned. + +But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, +vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in +labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for +that time. + +But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the +best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto +you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a +hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from +all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the +grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your +self did expect you should have been. + +Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out +of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's +great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love +your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is +also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very +first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, & +do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless +you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full +scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do: +For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all +things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again; +therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed +imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar +good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to +her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them +very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, +it is taken to be no small affront. + +It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards +would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, +that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing +before her self; little considering how few people the young people +had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and +unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a +method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen +between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed +the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex. + +'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little +doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble +School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that +this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they +that are well instructed in it. + +Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there +not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor +Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is +in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head, +not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and +the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected, +because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up +before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of +another, though they be all near relations and friends. + +Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. +Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good +Stierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first +backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath +the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool +gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those +things he most stands in need of. + +Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not +think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are +not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the +Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both +the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris +_Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out. + +Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of +breath, to desire to borrow them of Mistris _Buy-all_. And she's +hardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming pan +is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the +Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happens +that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition +is this! + +Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were +this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all +the womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each +other, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great +alteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so +desperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or +perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath +prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the +very girdle of Saint _Francis_ can work here no miracle. + +Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this +come by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve +that it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the +Child-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if there +come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able to +undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is. + +'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband +and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women +beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their +cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waies +refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding the +sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them. + +But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us +five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would +make every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the great +Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble. + +Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you +shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE EIGHTH PLEASURE. + +_The Womans brought to bed._ + + +Ha boys! after all the toiling, the happy hour is at last arrived, +that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well this +is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; for the +good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before. + +Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is +so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out +immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance; +thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry +at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what +earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great +Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness! + +[Illustration: Folio 127. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + +What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending +the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other +Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris +_Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things +topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those +things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think +that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to +have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull +assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any +where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a +rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughing +thrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, taking +also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little +at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much +admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if +she were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them +else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of +their Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing you +would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well +imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are +Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd & +torn, and a third full of mildew. + +Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook +and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the +great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the +Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred +years old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy +with it, or take it speedily into his bliss._ + +Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is +this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat +in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in! + +Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical +possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be +a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no +wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer +then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a +Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum. + +Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum +trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain +the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet +tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And +I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be +one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag +that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one +that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or +three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise +and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. +And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse +for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in +the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak +before the other. + +But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out +of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill +that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, +Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by +experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the +kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it is +very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and +I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the +soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an +earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost +gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into +another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her. + +Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath +busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now +and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as +long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them +audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion +gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning +the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is +seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the +Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket. + +In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her +sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a +back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just +now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there +keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed. + +Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, +and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal +right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires +her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as +many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to +be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to +be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do +what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, +it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here +again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her +Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other +that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a +time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for +want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the +tipples. + +Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, +and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven +away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. +Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue much +longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her +her life. + +Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure +to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now +so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in +deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull +time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good +broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid +Egs. + +But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it +will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come +to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of +understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and +counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced +in Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more +then ordinary, they never want for remedies. + +Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting, +hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as +this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd; +and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get +them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_ +relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast, +when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by +only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, +and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, +without any pain, or the least fear of danger. + +Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that +that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to +be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore +it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aqua +vitae_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of +Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain +in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much +good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make +use of that, you will never repent it. + +But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, and +found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other +things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found +nothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_ +Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better. + +Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations done +with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the +Gentlewoman in Py-yard. + +Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a +secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can +the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already +communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it +who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very +vigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_ +Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but +participate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared, +mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them +together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the +Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring +it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the +chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it +doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the +coming of any more. + +Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take a +little horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for +that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner. + +O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so +many prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I am +sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors +at Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he +may but once see the back-sides of all these grave and nice +Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of +the most accomplished Pleasures. + +But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these +remedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our +turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a +swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the +very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep a +Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for +Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever +chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their +manner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom +for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath +also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and +who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at +home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it +often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now +and then giving it the sucking bottle. + +But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the +Grandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's +lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready +to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaies +till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so much +that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to +_Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a +good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind +love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she +will rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yet +having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it +is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at +quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes +to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to +Nurse. + +And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new made +Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and +mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the +_East-Indies_, & her child died lately. + +This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new +Father, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now +all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child; +the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father +very well. + +Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that +you may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of +sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the +Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with +nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan +lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to +be weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in +must be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have a +mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with the +tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength +with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laid +Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for +you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a more +strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted +Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some +Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young +Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink two +or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with the +finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any +French wine, for that will too much inflame you. + +O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and +especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink +again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if +all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in +few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her. + +This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so +pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious +remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at +these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits +to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive +and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife +may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I +would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she +should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she +might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what +she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak +yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what +is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten. + +O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and +carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this! +And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins +from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she +begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of +coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out +of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and +main Pleasure. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE NINTH PLEASURE. + +_Of the Gossips Feast._ + + +Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures, +which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose. + +But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so +many joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first +and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife +begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her +grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down +the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms. + +But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips +Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious +Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult +who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations +and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to +be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can +ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any +of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she +expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them +that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and +her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the +Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women +understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations +much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary. + +O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have +in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of +wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be +your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor +_Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to +wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_, +and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the +Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near +relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will +never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by +this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a +Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your +brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of +receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap +it all together upon the account of a Lying-in. + +Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no +sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's +so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against +the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think +on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very +house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris +_Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be +peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it +forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must +go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to +take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the +Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they +do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs +spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good +colour, equal-size and thickness. + +But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these +incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the +hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the +Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, +look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty +darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to +be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing +of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and +all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do +confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and +doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the +Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another, +that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very +much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. +And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is +in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have +drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the +having very rich laces. + +Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed +woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she +had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there +was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every +one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the +conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept +to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with +Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another +comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so +hot. + +Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or +twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you +other sorts of tales. + +In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_ +how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that +she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished +room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all +the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he +begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets +some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a +vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for +them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other +savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and +then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from +it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer +then he was before; and what need he care for it then. + +Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a +little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should +speak of their own Commodities. + +O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many +ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you +are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and +discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris +_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to +keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had +feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had +caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed. + +At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely +these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish +there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably +handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that +Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with +his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped +it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed +to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage. + +In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris +_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously +stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running +thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her +Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and +then again to have her stockins soled. + +It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to +a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece +M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close +conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last +there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair. + +Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twit +one another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet +compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the +corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other +watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling +under her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from some +obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continue +so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of +her distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney. + +Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard such +rapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve +there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented +their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was +sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly and +liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat your +self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon +Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to +him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take +a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all +things, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my +wife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she +doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve her +gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good +body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; & +there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in +a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at +the least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her +Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but +then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now +by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill +about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the +Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than +before. + +And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but +yet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls +so bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss, +that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead of +putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, & +sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of +it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnen +bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked body +only in the blanket alone. + +O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and +entertained all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their +curious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertaining +their husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing of +you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talk +as freely of a Py-corner merchandize. + +Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds +to the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master _Laugh wel_, that's a Child! who +ever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have +such a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alone +together, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould. +Stay a little, stay a little, saith _Master Fillup_, it may be you +would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who +were Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an +Alehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of +them said; Cocksbobs _Jack_ if I had but a Wife, as well as another, +I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith the +t'other, it is an easie thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If I +would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within the +space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a wager +between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of +dores just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets +length, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an +errand for her Mistris, and he presently laies her on board. But she +seemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about her +business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred by a +strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he, +you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may +certainly beleeve that it is an honest person who speaks to you, and +only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous good +condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier, +and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please +to admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest +man, and none of those that go about to ly and deceive any body; and +indeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothing +but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time found +one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms. +But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to a +Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort of +levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldom +advanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldiers +life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that +was under the Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical +pride did any waies take place by them, but that they, on the +contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into their +thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again, +all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our +selves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, having +alwaies something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart, +doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's +no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies +see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards +and Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c. + +In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the +more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her +Mistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration. He +answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we spend time in +thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any +thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally +falls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ah +my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder +comes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time, +till that be past by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for +otherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldier +neither woos nor threatens long. + +Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by +the Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box +for a pledge of marriage; and desired something of her in like manner +for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted so +strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge of +marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto +his Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the +Garter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it +was, what her name was, and where she dwelt, &c. And being told by +another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well complexion'd Maid, +By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that I +could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if +you will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the +Maid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l +hardly know whether it be me or another. + +Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine were +spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged to +keep it secret. + +This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the +hour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to +her several passages that were passed between them the day before, and +shewing her the Garter, made her beleeve that he was the person that +had contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leaves +her service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed, +is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the +second performed; for just nine months after they were married, she +was brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived very +peaceably and quietly together. + +Well, I'l vow, saith Master _Crossgrain_, that's a very notable +relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then +like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to +you. + +_Barebeard_ and _Mally_, who by a sudden accident, without much +wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was +published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that +they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would +discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the +Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes +themselves, which hapned so. + +_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained that +he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a +good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish +Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of +mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the +Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired +his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it +much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She +on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the +streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a +Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon +his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think +that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps +when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth +for the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered, +may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that +he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness, +and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your +Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I +should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go +alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell. + +The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such +sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said _Barebeard_, +may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with +whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes. +Presently _Barebeard_ thrusting his head out at the dore, calls out +aloud, _Peg_ do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would +be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall +seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in +this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my _Hal_ to +have tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me at +another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most +shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might +very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second +consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But +_Barebeard_ being now married with _Peg_, they got no children: And +_Mall_ being married to _Hal_, they had both a Son and a Daughter at +one birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance _Mall_ +had made with _Barebeard_ before hand, & why she would rather marry +with Hall then with him. + +To this again Mistris _Sweetmouth_ relates, that she had been several +times invited to Mistris _Braves_ labour; and that she had been twice +brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last +encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she +presented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would +equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk +again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she +calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate +pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which +she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the +wonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, +as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just +cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise +like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to +be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high +doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave. + +But this Story was hardly told before Mistris _Tittle-tattle_ pursued +it with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two +years ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris _Gay_, who was then brought +to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the +Labour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the +stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither +Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only the +assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered +of two gallant Children; but they did not live long. + +Upon my word, said Mistris _Bounce-about_, it is an excellent help +when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It +hapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat +late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour, +said this, Mistris _Bounce-about_, if you would now take a walk to the +Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor +weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an +hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep; +before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband +must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the +Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what they +could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any +bodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were +done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the +Christning cloath instead of the Blanket. + +And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would +burthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, +because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, when +the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times +they spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that are +enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that their +tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who +hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is +high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the +child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle. + +Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be +presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind +and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that +you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to +your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you +receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their +wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, +to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they +peep into all nooks and corners. + +Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but +prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such +another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a +year? + +Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your +running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by her +self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But +Nurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies +sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among +the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'l +go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce: +because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in +their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the +times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little +mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a +couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for your +sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises +but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made +your bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nurse +keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up +the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to +have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and +then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the +twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of +the Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in +to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known +that the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't do +it that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to get +their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again +think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more +care they will take for the Child. + +Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs +amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will +nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be +sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of your +self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows +whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet +with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed +woman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you may +certainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that +you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider with +her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so +that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass. + +Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist +and mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a +mess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that +you'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess of +body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body +that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your +attendance, unless they want you again. + +O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that +you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the +Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE TENTH PLEASURE. + +_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths._ + + +Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that of +Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verily +one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it is +impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to +display it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst +Painter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but a +dead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that is +found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables but +it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness +of one of the nine Parts. + +Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so +short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these +Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before +the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other. + +[Illustration: Folio 188. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine in +their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity; +for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be put +in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father! +'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of. + +At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty +pleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable +discourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matron +like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friends +and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also +who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and +pleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, +_super naculum_ drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you, +your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you may +increase and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; because +that they then might the better come to the Child-bed Feast. + +Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss +your Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray +God bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our +Native Country; all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. And +when you have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with +the honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well +is not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousand +pounds at lest. + +And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other +Women are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put +in Cloaths upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved to +morrow morning to be Church'd, & in the afternoon she'l go to market. + +She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in +the second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and +in the streets, she hath continually observed severall children, and +the most part of them dressed up in severall sorts of fashions: Some +of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether that +be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makes +her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand +very neat and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly +and very dear; but then again it is very comly and handsom. And then +again she thinks with her self, as long as I am at Market, I'd as good +go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is for +our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person; +therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, the +price for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure for +my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his +mony so extraordinarily well husbanded. + +Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing +much, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When it +grows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more mony. +Don't grudge at this for once, because then you would spoil all your +mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is not +only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very +carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd. +You your self have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a +while, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for her +brains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hours +time, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and suppose +you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your answer +from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all +her thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, one +among another continually, to order the dressing up of her child. + +I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at +present run a Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and Trade +are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reason +of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce, +nothing near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort +your self herewith, that it hath hapned oft-times to others, & will +yet also happen oftner to you. Yet this is one of the least things; +but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. This +seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a +Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than +you had before. + +You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks +after the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from +tossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilest others, on the +contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their houses; begin first to +tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that the +Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto +both Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman +is yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of +the Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping hand +to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatest +share in it. + +By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of +the Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, +out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that she +might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her +breasts for the Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off +with but rocking the most part of the night; for many times it +happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father, +Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of +their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and +stratagems, yet all's to no purpose. + +And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few +months are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so +night & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing +a thousand thousand times over that they might see day-break; and so +by the comfortable assistance of day-light receive a little solace for +all their toiling and tumbling too and again. + +Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be +discomforted at this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have +learnt somthing in the School of Marriage, to exercise their +patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves contented with all +things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past, +they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them +thanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with +a slabbering cocurring. And I beleeve now that they clearly find that +all things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And +that the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a +Cloudy Storm. + +You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much +greater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, +neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the child +in the night. + +O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you! +For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your +Son; and by that means reap the possession again of all those former +Pleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are an +excellent good Artist. + +If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your +wife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her +miscarry. But you have learnt all these things well enough at the +first, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance. + +Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your +dearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most +neatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits, +to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will have +it made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totally +finisht against Sunday next. + +O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what a pretty Son you have! +How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows how +to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better +pleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too +short for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City, +that she may fullfill her desire of shewing it to every body: never +was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and the Maid with the +Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides +seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to +day. And most especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse +turn'd away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that she +now not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walk +abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also bound to the Child, +like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly did, +to walk abroad with _Giles the Baker_, or _John True the Tailor_; nor +so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred; +which occasions no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss. + +But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs +also to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented +because your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather think +with your self, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her. +And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find that +in the house and Kitchin things are not so well taken care for, why +then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of the +Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you +enjoied the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child +should sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe +were ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any waies roughly +handled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger: +Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit all +your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, +and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no +small Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little young +Gosling can so perfectly distinguish the tast of the Wine, from the +tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder years, perhaps +they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it. +But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes +people quickly gray-headed. + +Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at +an end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels +or small Pox; and then you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might +not be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no +wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and +measeling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary +there may then perchance appear so many glimps of marriage Pleasures +from him, that such small things will not be once lookt at. + +For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I +have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a +pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she +goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples; +which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learnt +to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making of +Bone-lace, though she was never taught it. + +Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in +seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil +deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of _French +manners and behaviours_; and knows also how to dress up her self so +finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all the +neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves +very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, +following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct +one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the +difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many +more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also +to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the +opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then +with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards +with some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of +Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if +the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad. +Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious +conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a +bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very +pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old +Proverb, + + _As old Birds did, the young ones sing, + Which is a very pleasant thing._ + +Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your +selves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to +the very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; and +perchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one day +follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your +happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can +happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your +heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then you +will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into +your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous +through the whole World. + + + + +CONCLUSION. + + +Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married +people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means, +indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and +imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations, +and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, +Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their +own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy +snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad and +lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown +themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then +it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and +sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they +must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and +vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures, +is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any +of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour, +as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of +dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching +into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the +quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and +unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number +(which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and +Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise +themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long +they can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder +much, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselves +never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are +fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may +disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen +that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, +&c. for we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those +commodities. + +Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out +of this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a +woman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon +amongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hath +befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self, +if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the +acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles +and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and +ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter +of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon +your heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the +glorious Apostle, _It is good for man not to touch a woman._ + + +THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE. + + * * * * * + + + + +A LETTER + +From one Friend to another, + +_Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry._ + + +_SIR,_ + +I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given +me some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate +upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is +a matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered and +considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate +it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very +same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they +were affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and +unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more +freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly +to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I +have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then +you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my +meaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the +disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes +preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for +the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as are +not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof. +Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there +will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to +take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies +of so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity may +easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a +burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he +would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry +then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a +thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a +thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave. +You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you +every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to +awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some +mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual +trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken you +out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be +at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many +insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be +vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. +Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, +which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So +that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his +daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy +burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is +marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, +till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch. +She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour, +& covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her +hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her +bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech +and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an +Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive +with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the +Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side of +the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the +naked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only +forbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she +so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is +repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps +you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young, +wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon +her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love +her. But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is +oftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a +wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent, +she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted, +she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of +her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can +flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her +freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you +will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If she +love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, +she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad +Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost +you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, +that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters +with your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all +your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never +bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort +of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if +you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or +spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old +are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the +innocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and +women without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. In +these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them +that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge +a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one +who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the +middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise +you to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so much +discommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it to +be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it +bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you +must then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to +subject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most +difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist +her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of all +her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Now +you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may +then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would +willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it +would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and +vertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, and +say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and +needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an +everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to +your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that +they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good +trees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you have +seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your +intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And +beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of +marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, +then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a +single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel, +go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight; +without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and +Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for +their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, +concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice, +then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do +well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me, +rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be + + SIR + + _Your very humble servant_ + + A.B. + + * * * * * + + + + + THE + + CONFESSION + + OF THE + + NEW MARRIED COUPLE. + + + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CONFESSION OF THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE + LONDON, + PRINTED in the JEAR 1683. + _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + + + + + + THE + + CONFESSION + + OF THE + + NEW MARRIED COUPLE, + + Being + + The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage. + + + Relating + + _The further delights and contentments that + ly masked under the bands of Wedlock._ + + + + Written by _A. Marsh._ Typogr. + + [Illustration] + + LONDON, + + Printed in the year 1683. + + * * * * * + + + + +TO THE READER. + + +Courteous Reader, + +_Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go +forward with a Second, which I here present thee with; being now +indifferently confident that it will be no worse used by Thee then the +Brother of it was: I hope there is never a Part of it, in which thou +wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for such as +profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the +gestur of casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell +you a notorious ly, I would not have them to study in it, by reason it +speaks a great deal of truth, and will not be so suitable to their +humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is scrambled together, +which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in such_ +holding forth _Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make +use of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their +Spirits with a little laughter, and never busie their brains with the +subversion of State and Church government: And being well received by +such, it is as much as is expected by him who is thine. Farewell._ + + * * * * * + + + + +THE + +CONFESSION + +OF THE + +NEW MARRIED COUPLE, + +_Being_ + +The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage. + + * * * * * + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many +traverses and tossings too and again, they return quietly home to +their studies and rememorates all the unexpected pleasure that they +encountred with upon the one Coast, and the horrible vexations and +confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning thereof, +doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and +conveyeth them through all the Countries, without so much as the least +moving of a foot. Just so it goes with those that have been under the +Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed from them: These being then come to +be solitary, at rest, and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate +and recogitate what pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings +and crosses they met with at other times. And the writing down of +these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the received pleasures; +but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for them +to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys +are still approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know +not the sweetness of the Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon +that they may with all earnestness Sail unto it, and possess those +joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you Ten Pleasant +Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and +not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous +Reader add unto them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married +people have since confessed, or to be short with you, was formerly +wink'd at, and passed over. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 9 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE FIRST PLEASURE. + +_The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised +Portion._ + + +Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part +of your Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal +delights in it. But what is there in this World that we grow not weary +of? You have seen that the sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes, +and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, with al their rich fruits, +finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of them. + +Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it +is possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst +the rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this +appears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it. +Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you have +a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriage +testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your +apparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate +how to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more, +because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped it +together with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it unto +you for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, as +true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it; +to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find that +they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily +this is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could +but any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly +the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull an +intention of you their children. + +And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable, +then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily +gain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life. +'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds also +sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for the +most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the +destruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part of +their lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest. +If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships at +sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they will +assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are +also so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes +them very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to be +feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself +might come to be lost. + +But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for +every moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who +buy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and +trust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is brought +home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought to +bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure +can there be then this? + +Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant +to your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so +by degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the +customers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers, +and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain to +as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself. + +You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in +this choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally for +your self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that death +should bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimes +setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and set +forward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to have +children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in the +same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from +them, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and +over whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children. + +And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows +quick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else +may be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he will +alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure and +advantagious. + +It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your +housekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure +with your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if +your husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that a +Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to the +Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less to +new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the +Trade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both +and junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; but +little regard must be taken about that, for the importantest must +alwaies be taken care of. + +And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment, +begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the former +pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are +more noble and becoming, _viz._ in the well governing of your Men and +Maid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they +be obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going to +Market with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress it +to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatly +drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of +Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your +got a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly +and finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in the +standing stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy and +Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever you +go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home +again in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you +have it) to be by your Baby. + +And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends +and neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in +Bridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you have +Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion. +And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you may +sing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. So +that you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, tho +you be a little tied to a Shop. + +This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some +of the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop, +and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make +that you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers. + +O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is +otherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by +his friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at +first seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutely +contented. + +O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent +upon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of +Wedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very well +be said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth. + +Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too +monstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be +found in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible, +melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vail +their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Minerals +as soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others. + +Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht +upon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French +Manufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much +better, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied and +Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, Bon +Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek +and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine; +which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast, +and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procure +as many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiar +acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away much +mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and +Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she +received an honourable visit. + +O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife! +that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit and +necessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jot +out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing and +delightfull, and must be every foot bought again. + +Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne +Wood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And +you are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and +Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by the +hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiously +together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you +would swear it is all of one piece. + +Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go +thus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be, +at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when this +trouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted, +gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture. + +O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be +when this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one +Counter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringing +commodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring and +weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enough +with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the +Customers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass +that your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and left +them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as they +did, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembred +Sign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run into +your Neighbors Shops. + +I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper, +first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson, +but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name, +of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to the +generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customed +Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the +sign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy +whose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinction +between them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, which +also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only among +the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among +Coachmen, Wagoners, and others. + +But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our +new married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the +earnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and their +Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, tho +he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come to +this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in the +way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much the +pleasanter. + +For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be +wanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that must +be sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also with +patience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and bad +paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promised +Portion. + +Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made +his full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised +Portion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally ready +told of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will pay +my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, when +there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are better +furnisht, will then give him the principal. + +And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since +other mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an +answer, _With young men must be promised, and with daughters must be +given._ And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as by +example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound, +whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give in +marriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes to +nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive and +hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians. + +It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are +discovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come +to the true pleasure. + +But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side, +you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend your +principal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate, +for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more in +gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estate +could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues +thereof received and consumed long before they were due. + +'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is +this approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her +Guardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in. +But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition than +he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in her +apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there's +not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to +be paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides +apparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinary +pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many +hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that +otherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one +may easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and that +Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in search +of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the +Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a +very close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten +double salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they can +but help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; and +afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match. +But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with, +is well known to the whole World. + +You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim +to possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting +voices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon +the _Scylla_ and _Charibdis_ where the Hellish Furies seem to keep +their habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, and +such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards both +Pleasure, Mirth and Joy. + +[Illustration: 27 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now to +their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy such +multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of +kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast +Estate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate, +there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together in +it; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part the +imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait. + + + + +THE SECOND PLEASURE. + +_The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the +Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions._ + + +Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, +sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, +how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith +the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew +and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights. + +Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the +longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their +affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow +some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things +in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall +alwaies live thus, _Salamander_-like in the fire, without being ever +indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean +while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married +Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall +brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it. + +But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other +pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind +imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here +it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the +young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the +more frank and jocund. + + _So, that to us, her countenance doth display + Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day._ + +But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self +insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new +married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the +very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon +Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of +a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, +and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly. + +And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that +he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid +their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But +his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he +ponders and considers what course is best to be taken. + +But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and +drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself +inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that +by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them +understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided; +and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from +your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, +or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, +if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily. + +Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night +discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has +walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best +for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so +from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family +duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the +matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of +Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink +Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack. + +Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers +affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he +resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to +that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or +that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby +commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as +if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and +down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it +himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate +instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary +delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a +huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid +Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet. + +But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather +weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who +immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty +or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old +Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a +time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent +for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples +of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c. + +But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife; +therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German +Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his +country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr +zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des +Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das +Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze +kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, +aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret +warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal +tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber +triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und +Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch +gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe +und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel +gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es +is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und +mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich +zein._ + +_In English thus._ + +Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in +the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, +if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of +sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously +cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and +take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use +of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with +fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps +and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and +Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately +Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you +will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very +acceptable to your dearly beloved. + +Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, +and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of +words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth, +for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is +therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling +and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him +take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker +and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send +for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, +that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins +of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm +to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him +that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c. +Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground +of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him. + +O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, +it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, +who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails +to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery +of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to +account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the +Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the +tiding of a new Bankrupt. + +But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for +nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new +remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write. + + Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij._ + +And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and +Tansies, &c. + +Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this +manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is +not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately +come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of +consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken +such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so +powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband +who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly +sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and +mollifie it with showers of tears. + +But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with +this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it +known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you +before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and +instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir, +we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half +your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your +wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate +Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the +like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives +lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor +hath taken so much the better care for it. + +Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the +same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last +receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine. + +And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce +abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast +up a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be most +cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to +hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to +the further matter of fact. + +For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the last +Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through +Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'd +so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truth +Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were +troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in +through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that +you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too +true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks +or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing +a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master +_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get +as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running +behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into +France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company +together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then +when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you +and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good +advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell +together, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump, +that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired +mightily that he was so fat and corpulent. + +At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having +toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh +Kan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to be +familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom +bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon, +as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very +cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, +that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy; +having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going. + +But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take +some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man +privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her +displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise +of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling, +answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he +hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to +know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will +have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear +anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do. + +A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and +walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of +Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, +Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the +t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep. +What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love, +answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes +Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) +alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road! + +There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon a +new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to +break of. + +But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the +Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith, +Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by +my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, +saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not +without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband +hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of +Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of. + +But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the +Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as +it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you +expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are +yet other Nuts to be krackt. + + + + +THE THIRD PLEASURE. + +_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's +sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing._ + + +It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel +striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made +and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying +in. + +[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes +a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a +journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers +in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which +means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of +his Shop-keeping. + +Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their +loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young +woman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume her +self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer +this. + +Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of +mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not +then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible +and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these +two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number +of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are +used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the +reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these +effeminate passions. + +Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between +her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and +using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart +merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her +bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, +suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with +me! + +But because time and good company help to decline and pass away +sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit +opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good +acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to +come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they +have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times +with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that +she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And +she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because +one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her +Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her +pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for +trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat +she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with +this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty +Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a +gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and +acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation. + +To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies +appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer +themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their +Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of +themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done +and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the +mony as well as her husband. + +Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a +Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake +Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to +stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid +Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and +_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt +to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook +must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must +run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves, +Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, +and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all +those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be +a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of +Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because +they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that +bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also +but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, +and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats +so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day +following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part +once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what +will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this +three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the +Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat +hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and +in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters, +and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be +fetcht ne'r so far. + +Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago +was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly +there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then +womens tears! + +But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, +therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover +there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical +Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their +Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the +sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to +be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the +Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had +not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the +pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there +was no looking for them. + +Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in +sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have +been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but +now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, +Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest +Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in +their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. +They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that +in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf, +Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one +of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to +act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to +discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as +these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never +seen that they practised this lesson themselves. + +But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing +of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, +and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants, +who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in, +and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses +footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad +together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that +we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures +of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part. + +Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, +will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal +should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby +will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in +private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a +publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort +of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have +gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry +roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it. + +But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered +with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or +another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences, +serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very +indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do +arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner + + _Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest: + Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._ + +Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the +delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be +in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies: +For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in +their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses +dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have +done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they +do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be +not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very +courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and +complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least +Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards, +that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then +again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the +night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part +of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they +dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of. + +Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very +artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers +as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves +with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever +they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a +good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had. + +Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how +to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them +happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this +continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at +first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and +not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into +their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions +very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition +taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance +to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor +be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number +of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may +there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises, +so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other +things plenty, for little or nothing. + +But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, +that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our +kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about +the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole +bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible +amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have +received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and +conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its +cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not +able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the +company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be +at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, +with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or +sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting, +every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins, +that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it +by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and +wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that +the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so +much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then +finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of +joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions +are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other +side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all +things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination. + +All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in +th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an +cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that +they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O +mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into +this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the +further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is +preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure. + +[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London._] + + + + +THE FOURTH PLEASURE. + +_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._ + + +As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, +the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the +greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities +Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed +or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry +white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling +stars. + +It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable +multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, +that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of +Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it. + +You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you +have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want +the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it +safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free +dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in +between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object! + +Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal +of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the +preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and +taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally +hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, +coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out +of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten +times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither +for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but +dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which +sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall +have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box. + +And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very +subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above +all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a +great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And +then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to +be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, +should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that +the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping +are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is +impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a +Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot +to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it +is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony, +to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when +her husband is gone from home. + +And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great +sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must +be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with +every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch +that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is +needful for his occasion from his Wife. + +Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies +see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good +observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for +Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or +increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and +she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and +understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be +gotten forward or gone backward in the World. + +And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath +alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to +all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within +dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands +hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, +&c. + +With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel +know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true +pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while +busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and +self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and +guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That +it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, +whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but +added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into +an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be +striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse +imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these +reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept +as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest +they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived +of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name +but cannot obtain the effect. + +In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by +clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and +makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of +the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly +flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to +deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with +abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make +some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which +makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to +give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure. + +And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth +so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him +pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means +making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, +though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if +she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes +to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as +modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases +her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty +acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some +petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and +tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but +that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had +for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that +perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c. + +Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins +to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making +thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the +cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and +finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be +short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, +though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear +it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like +other good bargain to come again, and let them see it. + +In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, +and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times +there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, +Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and +habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease +of some friend, &c. + +Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, +imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it +all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd +Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and +means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to +the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a +pain, patience is the best remedy. + +But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_, +have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of +your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in +each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, +interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies; +the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife +wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt +but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase. + +And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at +Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the +occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and +therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to +Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, +delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many +great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that +they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great +sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very +prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, +Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully +after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one +year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; +and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their +Lords and husbands. + +These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the +Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of +my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that +her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash. + +But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are +shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like +manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and +every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he +hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half +finished are weary of it. Therefore + + _To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed, + For many do repent, untill that they be dead; + But if avoided then, by you it cannot be, + A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._ + +[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE FIFTH PLEASURE. + +_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and +loss of time is discovered._ + + +Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most +cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind +and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the +Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the +occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and +Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is +many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self +like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the +Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things +must run to a total destruction. + +Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost +indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their +affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are +earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live +honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children +and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a +laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of +diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no +evening too late for them. + +But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent +of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a +Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and +about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in +his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can +blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, +that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his +whole delight ought to be. + +If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study, +because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see +what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take +yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would +certainly be a dead man, &c. + +And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, +who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the +very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong +liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next +morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty +glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then +to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, +it causes the better operation. + +Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he +takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the +Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for +it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate. + +For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to +visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient +walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other +in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean! + +Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are +all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, +to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily +concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the +contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of +Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal +worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in +the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of +Wine. + +Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, +accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest +Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in +Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do +in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full +purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own. +And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns; +they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to +chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this +part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning, +they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their +wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and +agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment +received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries +mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, +till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt +up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner +leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them. + +By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves; +making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other +Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, +or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other +end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at +Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then +they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there +to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half +carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that +they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus +all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business. + +The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and +others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but +the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some +Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, +or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath +not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or +occasion for any such sort of businesses. + +And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these +sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to +have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to +obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much +tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs +and business to be imploied therein. + +Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, +oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and +Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the +arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and +Wares, are risen or fallen in price. + +Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their +Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an +hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the +Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though +it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek +some Pot-Companions. + +These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the +Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the +Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish +Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there +is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable +of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock +strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were +never so late. + +There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go +out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures +for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with +selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and +talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and +call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water +Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua +mirabilis. + +And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason +that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of +the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their +afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and +Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are +early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the +Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that +more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found +at the Playhouses. + +Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures +in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along +the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and +at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their +Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal +of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to +be chatting and chaffering with. + +These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and +Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all +their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the +very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of +their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and +Counting-houses. + +Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, +spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and +all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home +they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the +World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a +gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable. + + _No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port, + Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._ + +Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the +forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, +and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their +Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their +Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon +the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending +the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, +Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, +and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young +ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run +to destruction. + +But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon +certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the +Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three +hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend +there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. +Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are +forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops +either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most +convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if +they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great +valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty +imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that +his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John +Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks +before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire +Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely. + +Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, +coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the +Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to +fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in +his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but +seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of +Guinneys. + +Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep +alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit; +never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary +dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs +too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his +reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their +Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour +of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each +Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, +half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the +reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and +chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to +be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best +places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen, +in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching +the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations, +Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or +heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom. + +It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a +Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part +must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty +of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went +away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all +spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth +then the mony. + +In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with +the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for +the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in +Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the +Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage +on the mens side. + +But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath +more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the +feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good +Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the +pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their +fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the +more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the +less. + +And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies +him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about +the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he +did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be +a much more rare and pleasant sight. + +There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that +consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with +Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with +Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their +Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, +and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they +hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and +there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh +in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the +Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go +themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like +beasts then men. + +This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs +at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be +screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers; +though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away +they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then +the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at +her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the +belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is +much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching +him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with +little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the +Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under +the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and +roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie +caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this +most noble victory. + +Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the +Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns +him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the +Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up +to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small +joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then +there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the +Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being +furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his +paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs; +there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the +stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no +mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth +him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd. + +But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate +the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing +temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes +do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never +so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say: + + _When Women long, it harms by chance, + But mens desire's a worser dance._ + +And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to +Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon +day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of +Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, +and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse, +and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer +nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd +persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate +their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, +Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances. +Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily +swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to +send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently. + +If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some +pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, +that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily +satisfie their longing appetites. + +Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to +make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies +so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the +consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found +out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of +an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have +intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons +throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least +symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are +like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for +all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and +when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if +they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes +Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the +Water be changed in to Wine. + +Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to +know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some +hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what +news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, +or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must +buy and read them, let it cost what it will. + +Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great +prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of +the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations +know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they +never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the +weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of +the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which +many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and +touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the +governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for +when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the +person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own +business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do. + +'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, +observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves +easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle +salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of +their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings +with eys of pleasure. + +Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a +kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are +infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times, +and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in +looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do +come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them. + +But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, +that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans +contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely +perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives +go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they +ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to +the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, +concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions. + +But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two +agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in +taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto +you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad, +and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall +tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all +things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again +in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take +delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his +pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences. + +If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes +spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for +you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and +every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with. + +You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the +Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and +Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out +of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very +good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore +think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will +have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they +are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis +also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their +affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great +_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly +their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and +greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the +actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of +his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in +passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at +night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed. + +'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of +love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if +he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the +Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to +a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the +Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes +happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these +smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition +between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and +Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where +there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as +soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight, +that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the +t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine +that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should +live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay, +if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those +Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though +_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would +make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither +immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that +you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and +away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming +in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is +taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other +Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he +tasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far +delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he +acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first +word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the +same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink, +the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good +Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All +good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint. +Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with +the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and +this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by +the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that +it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they +every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a +few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally +squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but +keeping them late out from their families; and making them like +incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when +they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to +their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl +or chide with. + +To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter, +Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they +commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and +Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a +large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences; +thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very +subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and +advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes +catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that +they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they +stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and +know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have +made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let +them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for +nothing of grumbling and mumbling. + + _Some sorts of men, + Are Tyrants when, + Their thirsty Souls are fill'd: + They scold sore hot + Like_ Peep in th' Pot + _And never can be still'd. + They talk and prate_ + At such a rate, + And think of nought but evil; + They fight and brawl, + And Wives do mawl, + Though all run for the Divel. + But at their draugh, + They quaff and laugh + Amongst their fellow creatures. + They swear and tear + And never fear + Old _Nick_ in his worst features. + Who would but say + Then, by the way + That Woman is distressed, + Who must indure + An Epicure + With whom she'll ne'r be blessed. + +In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are +hot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the bad +examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there +are that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they +were their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort of +difference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it, +know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence and +respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over +their children. + +Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen, +and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some +important affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, that +his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay as +deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share of +all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in +the ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter, +drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself +very diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so long +that going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fell +into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said, +Father! are we not now like brothers? + +By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples, +may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sort +of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of +excessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent +Taverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among good +acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is but +seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but +he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the +highest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times in +the Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon +which sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made: + + _Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing, + Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing._ + +But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs; +and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market, +there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready, +and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you have +very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glas +of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up +stairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for +greater Pleasure then this! + +O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you can +keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition is +there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly +and well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly +once in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And although +it did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions, +which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, or +somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they were +all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief +and horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it +self. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance a +hundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood. + +But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young +Gentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that +doth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; and +beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the least +possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with +some what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel +in his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his +companions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certain +imbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to be +discovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated. + +This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for +marrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider, +the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the most +gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us, +that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree. + +And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike +natured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together, +there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction; +unless it happen that the understanding of the one knows +extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes +letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may +the prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the +Haven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrary +suffer most miserable Shipwrack. + +[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE SIXTH PLEASURE. + +_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel +for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured._ + + +Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it +is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming +that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men +oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl +and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill +name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now +a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for +farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to +see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile. + +Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect +these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of +the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that +the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be +possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you +had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you +would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to +be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged; +for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those +pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the +better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the +gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and +Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of +fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put +them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this +wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury. +Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are +descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the +good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved. + +But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we +consider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not +in the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part of +the masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silent +in Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthing +to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly, +that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be +going hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to +smoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if +then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers +in the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should +not in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, and +that she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of his +Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order, +and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as +mention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so +excessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to get +notable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselves +would have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be found +in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco. + +O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand, +to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and +houskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you, +as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who would +not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront +or bespatter you? + +I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that +will be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken +Nabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and +how little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave a +Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds +or provocatives they have given her for so doing. + +Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad +natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, +had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was +Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to +scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and +to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or +that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to +govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no +means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up +their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these +hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands, +as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would +be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection. + +Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and +all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no +difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is +alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your +husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the +sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the +Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you +could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily +and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many +times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and +grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and +if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little +more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of +fate. + +So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first +and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, +thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to +her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more +increase in matters of the housekeeping. + +But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having +bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be +his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and +mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome +he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove +this, which was in some measure done. + +But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a +couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but +the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of +them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back +again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the +cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made +ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and +dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he +came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and +must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary +persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the +ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife, +frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the +breeches solely to his wife. + +Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent +handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured +Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a +Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and +chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet +expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage; +yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. +But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and +that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and +catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, +that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the +remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father +and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured +obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the +intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce +concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again +her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay +his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they +are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else. + +Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good +mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her +authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that +in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt, +and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The +incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this +martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to +cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of +him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her +three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew +Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she +on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and +fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the +head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who +can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to +feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the +more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily +replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women, +who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks, +and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will +be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being +married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their +masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their +husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that +there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon +the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind +compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand +wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and +ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it +were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love. + +O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your +hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what +means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind +actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the +main Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through this +short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life, +what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned +upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife? + +Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves +to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or +strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace +their kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty. + +But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of +so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, +contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a +pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a +proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a +mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues. + +This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when +he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with +their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an +inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage +by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious +remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and +cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues +might in brightness and splendor surpass others. + +Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts +of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is +beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know +her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in +marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring +Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of +marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast +your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the +Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable +in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered +brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune and +tranquility. + +Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the +Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud. + +Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and +imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to +obey. + +Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one +finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and +self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner +than another indeavour to domineer over her husband. + +Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own +Master. + +Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently +considered of, before a final conclusion can be made. + +Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in +love, was not given to the Gods themselves. + +Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before +she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn +to make a cursie. + +If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke +of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all +the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to. + +If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they +will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a +slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this +time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to +hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or +expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he +said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they +be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be +unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if +they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be +perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very +vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a +price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances. + +And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there +be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd +against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as +they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you +have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times, +never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who +will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken +of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally. + +Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty. + +Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of +a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation +will tumble. + +Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. +For Vertue is the greatest Gentility. + +Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of +such as are of an evill reput. + + _To be a lover of such houses, + Makes him to think of other Spouses._ + +If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues. + +Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay +their very gain is loss. + +Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are +fit for nothing. + +If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. +Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and +nature is given unto him. + +In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the +expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is +subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in +the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were +a Looking-glass. + + + + +THE SEVENTH PLEASURE. + +_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave +housekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their +Children._ + + +It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing +flourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a +whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house; +and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort +it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems +that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our +dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our +Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough +to complain. + +And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, +in that short time that you have been married, experience that things +do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true +you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest +of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with +those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so +much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom. + +[Illustration: 135 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + +Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they +were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality, +to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet +there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul +because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is +esteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight in +it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they may +keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children +indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are +imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are +worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered +much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then +the others before was. + +O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess +now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their +plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then +theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by +consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the +easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many +knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats. + +Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you +can hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort your +selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your +marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as +diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and +good Trading. + +But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then +increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad +paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at +home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is +Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their +Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the +Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration +of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies +in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the +Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look +upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it. + +Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of +Exchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, +and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the +Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, and +provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several +other sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting. +Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding +the year in Pleasure. + +But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you +live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these +affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures. + +Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and +have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things +were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle +fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding, +and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your +Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about your +Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you +are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And +great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you. + +Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but +observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect +and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with +honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father +you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if +your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this +your advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage. +For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with +them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to +the World. + +Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid +great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to +consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less +price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or +two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet +with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in +besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to +Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work +accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your +house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate +some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable +and delightfull to be heard. + +Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath +not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased +her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good +company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in +Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may +learn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are +accompanied with? + +But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such +guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general +imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is +pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide +such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never +so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but +they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and +that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all +what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and +nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more, +you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It +happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners +after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more +work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides. + +This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any +thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in +the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; +where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest +people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that sees +them either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able +to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights; +and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to +debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private +chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants. + +But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the +mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is +alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because +the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of +housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent +mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children. + +Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and +behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is +advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you will +find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a +transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of +your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of +large Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and +Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever +else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her +sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare +all things, and to take care that there may not so much as a match +negligently be thrown away. + +Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of +knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the +streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget +and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time, +before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be put +to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of +walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now +on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things, +and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much +as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never +thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her +delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and +servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and +setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with +this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough +ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the +service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before +she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave +houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough +stoutly. + +O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so +many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in +that most illustrious School! + +'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will +say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of +when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so +costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat! +alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this +the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make +a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and +her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily +and sluttishly at her house. + +'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse +the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O +well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten +such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple +Clouds. + +But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow +comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and +suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling +with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice of +every dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no +understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies +standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all +covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows +are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. +Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by +reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their +houskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger of +breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these +ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no +body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are +seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the +occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and +sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins +out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and +seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the +sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that +all is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to their +Creditors. + +Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the +unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others: +And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like a +prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and +delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, +diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting +up of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will so +root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and +grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the +good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your +children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your +footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough, +thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if +it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst +Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate. + +[Illustration: 151 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._] + + + + +THE EIGHTH PLEASURE. + +_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he +hath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a +Scholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a +Schollerlike life is._ + + +Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is +none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up +healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon +open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish, +as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the +clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion; +insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their +teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow +up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs +have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little +bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son +to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her +caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin. + +Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to +another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and +courteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example! +But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, +that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish. + +Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; +for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or +Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors +sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which +purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out +of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such +a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the +night for it. + +What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the +necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, +and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps +it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a +mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune +consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away +he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk +furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and +sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot. + +Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he +wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent, +sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do +but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and +pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew +him their great love and affection. + +But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no +small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to +so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never +at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust +by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her +needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such +sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, +when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop. + +This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, +gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks +such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but +to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is +but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of +Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein +yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means +resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up +in the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of her +husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is +yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what +a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of +his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a +month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the +City must have one or other penalty paid them. + +Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less +melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he +can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all +diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the +Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the +evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a +pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have +experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their +son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with +severall natural and kind reproofs. + +'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. +What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will. + + _The son his mind to study is full bent, + Or else will live upon his yearly rent._ + +Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. +Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be +conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the +ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is +worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how +to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So +that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb. + + _The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart, + Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._ + +Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, +the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and +there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of +the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so +nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull +Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And +moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately +he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch, +was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary +intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him +go out again. + +A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning +letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the +Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he +wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an +extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without +suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries. + +For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies +they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, +Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to, +unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very +learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at +Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his +promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired +more. + +But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so +perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother +merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance, +that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes +of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth; +and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry +together. + +Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to +sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very +neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that +will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, +smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, +touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable +statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written +thus before my Chamber of Books: + + _Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look, + One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._ + +The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good +hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be +expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary +and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their +son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the +more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of +mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some +antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and +their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad +accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the +Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, +and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist +because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated +by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb. + +This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if +there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to +see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible +augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and +wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by +all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter. + +As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they +come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only +concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places +also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps +may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is +therefore at present clapt up. + +Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four +Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, +and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their +absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly +weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to +expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And +he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be +neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they +took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it +looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the +Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but +said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little +mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted +my delicately painted house. + +But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies +abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students +generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst +other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the +covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of +them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor +made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the +Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. +Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very +cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c. + +Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of +mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, +for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this +trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, +and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets +hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the +malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean +while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if +they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of +them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that +there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run +forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators +increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding +it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets, +cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, +till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I +know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a +Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities +that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for +them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the +throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not +trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his +doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take +them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat; +in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth, +buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay, +saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown +pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body +else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by +the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces +which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he +began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the +Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The +Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my +own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the +Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably +beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student. + +By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is +true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom +Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to +be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother, +whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off; +write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his +Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him; +therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all +possible speed immediately come thither, &c. + +Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter +delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least +distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while, +these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the +Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber, +away they went without paying. + +To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far +from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and +bound her to a Post. + +'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since +they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these +Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there +came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad +to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors +Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off +these planks, tear up this Post, &c. + +In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; +begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him +those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so +poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting +him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon. + +Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in +what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and +understands that they were Students which had taken their march +towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man +with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away +runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order +to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be +examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with +two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white +Letters. + + _Garden-Theef._ + +These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till +they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer +such shame and punishment for his winter firing. + +Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had +taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but +hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it +before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of +them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night +Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the +Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in +peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive. + +Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live +in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are +Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from +these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that +all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and +disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked +pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal +Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of +Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such +multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it +all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they +can eat or carry away. + +And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in +Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to +commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they +can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at, +and esteemed to be an heroick act. + +It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little +boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite, +which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The +Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, +then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of +the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his +middle in a great many knots, then went their way. + +Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the +Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold +back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious +blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let +fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was +unhappily drowned. + +It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the +petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, +each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one +acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness, +lavishness, and troublesomness. + +Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the +World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and +Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is +an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from +their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And +though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or +other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than +ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long +till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it +apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, +or else flies his Country, to save it. + +Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole +nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away +Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close +with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then +senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling +and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a +Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his +voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become +learned Doctors. + +Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential +Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, +books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to +their Parents soundly peppered. + +Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their +Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without +the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for +promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a +daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which +knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and +mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda +is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well +how to empty the Students Pockets. + +Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are +indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that +their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in +his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because +they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a +very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of +those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony. + +But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their +wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long +time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court +Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other +vocation, be cast in their teeth. + +Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave +themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that +it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves. +But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with +commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but +fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some +considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours, +perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a +rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage +or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means +will hardly maintain them. + +If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs +away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he +hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his +Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first +Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if +their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been +obedient to the exhortations of his Parents! + +But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; +yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason +that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their +Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in +the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies. + +These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the +full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and +have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while, +all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness, +cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To +that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves, +curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece +of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over +shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the +beholders. + +These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City +Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener +Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men, +then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women. + +This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination +towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and +indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make +use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come +to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage +this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge. +Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with +his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the +Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means +marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the +Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than +Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at +home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and +tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected, +occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings +up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that +it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the +Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a +horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well +married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied. + +You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks +and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a +liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not +brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he +is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will, +when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see +him to be a great man. + +[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + +For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest +and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be +noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we +could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the +revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken. + +Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession +of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the +contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your +Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed. +For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own +spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities; +because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the +Pleasures of Marriage. + + + + +THE NINTH PLEASURE. + +_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._ + + +'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children +take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; +the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and +the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they +appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we +perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and +that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant +Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest +Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected. + +So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and +airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or +rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow +to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are +natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your +expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a +Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush +Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several +examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to +be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large +prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do +herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage. + +But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which +house-keeping people have not only from children, but from +base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done +unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and +stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base +Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the +Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm +all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then +it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due +obedience. + +Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have +gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; +immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over +her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she +knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to +order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, +and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and +that so_. + +And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this +some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again +as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing +Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if +their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases +them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with +the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c. + +But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a +service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks +sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's +damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will +not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her +hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as I +command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your +Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must +hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c._ + +How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no +sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out +servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses +insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by +some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the +ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves +Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her +Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c. + +Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means +to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, +and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to +turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then +to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient +for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be +near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c. + +Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a +Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own +mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. +Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and +watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and +neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good +humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves +Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To +which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and +again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes +to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side +with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with +the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with +a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master, +to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to +rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of +inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master +have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare +him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some +indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty +merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there, +Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this +bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it._ Whereupon the Maid +answered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I +must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it._ The +answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, +throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite +of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married, +then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she +had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines. + +But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view +what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with +her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very +honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security +for her fidelity. + +Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss +perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the +better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a +glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back, +but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before +she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over +the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that +soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as +she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the +Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was +impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can +abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep +come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three +daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more +mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup +to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody +Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she +is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an +Angel a year the more wages for it. + +But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other +causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to +go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in +the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the +children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither +is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other +may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on +Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I +should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good +opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c. + +She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that +she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to +retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had +been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but +the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her +physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs, +that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would +not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same +time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner +prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire, +that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that +her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least +fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and +Fairing. + +Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and +Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; +for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the +t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both +of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, +to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry +themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew +themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire +in one hand and water in the t'other. + +These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, +with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries; +keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which +know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and +brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and +basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to +recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own +houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as +precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time. + +This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they +cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they +do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some +that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain +that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary +devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins, +to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or +such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their +fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and +wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their +husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what +delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd +Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing. + +These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long +aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their +fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the +Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable +poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable +people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable +and terrible to be related. + +By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of +people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and +actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast +quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are +damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants, +salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, +lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over +Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish +Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, +therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so +especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many +times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of +the adversities that may befall it. + +This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after +t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in +again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a +new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve +the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a +tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times +observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own. + +O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a +conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth +and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in +their own Family. + + + + +THE TENTH PLEASURE. + +_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous. +And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be +divorced._ + + +As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people; +and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on +the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad +Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions +and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets +their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying +fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of +Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the +emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too +much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain, +that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations +annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this +it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a +wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble +and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship: +for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat +to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is +no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind +of imperficiency. + +[Illustration: 197 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._] + +This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company, +be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the +woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling +and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless +when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the +Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else +credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of +prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other. + +The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And +for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But +because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their +business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out +their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some +movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great +trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the +commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen +to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our +self-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenter +of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife +are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading +in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied; +and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such +like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks +but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do +contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to +have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse +with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, +chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars +then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is +such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued. + +Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know +how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible +words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and +rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove +their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent +Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish +their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them. + +But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their +brains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest, +the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. +For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his +servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife +lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so +bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest +people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut +many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds +thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, +which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he +is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would +be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl, +scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon +his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of +them knowing the least reason in the World for it. + +In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his +wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so +divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also +never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his +nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason +for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation +of implacable hatred. + +Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is +a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every +way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a +jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, +then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in +his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his +presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have +had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where +this damned house-divel ever got an entrance. + +'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such +Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill +doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now +begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband +is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured; +and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides, +that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much +from those of former times, and especially from them of the first +year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the +occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine +Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away +by some or other charming Punk. + +And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that +somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had +just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before +came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had +taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he +related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening, +with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy +houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom +there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to +suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers. + +And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, +imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, +the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his +coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest, +seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is +so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun, +and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear +again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, +that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the +Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a +shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane, +or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is +not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue. + +Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in +these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with +jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or +who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the +dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look +sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it +be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, +poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the +love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that +through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married +Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together, +because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth +such evill fruits. + +Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the +Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united +and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of +superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people; +whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and +to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each +other. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding +married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in +better tranquility. + +But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all +the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then +reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and +Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by +each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest +reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples, +wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble; +especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and +reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this +jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people +of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some +which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and +suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is +impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in +the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who +dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this +unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to +be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read +all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by +the example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a +Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, +where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these +following Verses, which she hath sung so many times: + + _You may in sea lanch when you will, + To see the boistrous Main, + Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill, + Fore you return again. + The married state, is much like this, + O'rewhelm'd with many crosses, + Yet must be born, see how it is, + With tauntings, toils, and losses._ + +But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors, +just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses; +for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designs +and indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed and +Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done by +death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for +a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it +might lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of +his jealousie. + +And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between +him and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that +those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by +death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation, +have just remained alive. + +Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent +Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an +operation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And +that they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, that +they might the better excuse those of their Adversary. + +O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a +Looking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure and +tranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out of +their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live long +together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might +inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their +second-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree to +the whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise the +folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they have +more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever +had; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the +married estate to be the best and commendablest though some of them +were married to women, who notably bore the sway. + +We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus that +pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give +himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief, +trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary, +that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understanding +appears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened by +marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-married +Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought +to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a +second-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for the +exhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude with +that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and Philosopher +Marcus Aurelius: saying, _Because the life of Man cannot remain +without Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise, +and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as much +as the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in the +World, have not so much poison spread or contained in their whole +bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue._ + + +THE END OF THE SECOND PART OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The +Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. 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