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diff --git a/13872-h/13872-h.htm b/13872-h/13872-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..274f2f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13872-h/13872-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5438 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta name="generator" + content="HTML Tidy for Linux/x86 (vers 1st November 2002), see www.w3.org" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage by A. + Marsh.</title> + <style type="text/css" id="internalstyle"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + } + hr {width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; 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margin-left: 4em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13872 ***</div> + + <h1>THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE</h1> + <h4>AND THE SECOND PART</h4> + <h1>THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE</h1> + <h2>Contents</h2> + <div class="ctr"> + <table summary="TOC" border="0"> + <colgroup span="2"> + <col align="left" /> + <col align="right" /> + </colgroup> + <tr> + <th colspan="2" align="center">THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE</th> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>INTRODUCTION</td> + <td><a href="#Page_v">v</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Publisher's Preface</td> + <td><a href="#Page_xvii">xvii</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>To the READER</td> + <td><a href="#Page_xx">xx</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE TEN PLEASURES</td> + <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE FIRST PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE SECOND PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_24">24</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE THIRD PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_34">34</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE FOURTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE FIFTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_56">56</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE SIXTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE SEVENTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE EIGHTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE NINTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_97">97</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>THE TENTH PLEASURE</td> + <td><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>A LETTER</td> + <td><a href="#Page_132">132</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <th colspan="2">THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE</th> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>To the READER</td> + <td><a href="#Page_143">143</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>INTRODUCTION</td> + <td><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The First Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_147">147</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Second Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Third Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_170">170</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Fourth Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_181">181</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Fifth Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_189">189</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Sixth Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_215">215</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Seventh Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_228">228</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Eighth Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Ninth Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_259">259</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>The Tenth Pleasure</td> + <td><a href="#Page_270">270</a></td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <p><em>Transcriber's Note : Title and Contents above were not part of the original + book, but are provided for the convenience of the reader.</em></p> + <hr class="full" /> + <hr class="full" /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/title1.png"><img src="images/title1_th.jpg" + alt="THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE" title="" /></a><br /> + THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE<br /> + Printed at London 1682.<br /> + <i>Published by The Navarre Society, London.</i></p> + <hr class="full" /> + <h1>THE TEN PLEASURES OF<br /> + MARRIAGE</h1> + <h4>AND THE SECOND PART</h4> + <h1>THE CONFESSION OF THE<br /> + NEW MARRIED COUPLE</h1> + <h4>ATTRIBUTED TO</h4> + <h3>APHRA BEHN</h3> + <h4><i>REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION</i></h4> + <h4>BY</h4> + <h3>JOHN HARVEY</h3> + <h4>AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES</h4> + <h4>AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES</h4> + <h4>RE-ENGRAVED</h4> + <h4>LONDON: MCMXXII</h4> + <h4><i>PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED</i></h4> + <h5><i>Printed in Great Britain</i></h5> + <hr class="full" /> + <h2><a id="Page_v" name="Page_v"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2> + <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he Restoration brought back to + England something more than a king and the theatre. It renewed in English life the + robust vitality of humour which had been repressed under the + Commonwealth—though, in spite of repression, there were, even among the Puritan + divines, men like the author of <i>Joanereidos</i>, whose self-expression ran the + whole gamut from freedom to licentiousness.</p> + <p>It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be vividly + concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the chronicler of <i>The Ten + Pleasures of Marriage</i> revives the opprobrious term for a + tailor—"pricklouse": the whole history of the English woollen industry and of + the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic architecture is in the nickname. Or a single + phrase can light up an idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is + running up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests itself + sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux metagrobolized Rabelais into + something almost more tumescent and overwhelming than the original. In that<a + id="Page_vi" name="Page_vi"></a> vein of humour the present work frequently runs. The + author is as ready to pile up his epithets as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he + says, "for then you'll have an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and + Prittle-pratler, less than you had before."</p> + <p>It is, in fact, as an example of English humour—exaggerated, no doubt, by + the reaction from Puritanism—that <i>The Ten Pleasures of Marriage</i> should + be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it is of uncertain parentage and + must own to foreign kin. A well-known but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally + rare book is Antoine de la Salle's <i>Quinze Joies de Mariage</i>. It seems possible + that this was translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which <i>The Ten + Pleasures</i> was published—1682-1683—the following work was registered + at Stationers' Hall: <i>The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts of matrimony, + being in requital of the late fifteen</i> sham <i>comforts</i>. Moreover, <i>The Ten + Pleasures</i> was in all probability printed abroad—Hazlitt thinks at The Hague + or Amsterdam. The very first page in the original edition contains one of several + hints of Batavian production—"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious + allusion to the great French poet, Clément Marot, may also suggest a temporary + foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known to<a + id="Page_vii" name="Page_vii"></a> English readers in the seventeenth century, the + exact reference of the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on + the fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem <i>Colloque de + l'abbé et de la femme sçavante</i>; and Marot certainly wrote about + women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure in English literary + allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact suggests at least familiarity with + the literature of other countries.</p> + <p>But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in general and + in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as it was in the days before + our grandfathers decided that the human body was an obscene thing and its functions + deplorable. It has the middle-class love of good food—Colchester oysters + (famous then as now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges, + comfits, pancakes—enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid English + furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians" (valences), "daslles" + (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the + fuss of preparation for childbirth—the accumulations of wrappings, the + obstetric furniture, the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic + ancestors of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig—why, the haste to fetch the + midwife at the crisis might almost be the <a id="Page_viii" + name="Page_viii"></a>foundation upon which Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff, + Esq., to Kingsgate Street, High Holborn.</p> + <p>It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average fairly prosperous + English life—the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the sea-captain's. The author + clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had + to be fully written up for scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts. + (But the pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of + business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief description of + his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to some extent, has a certain life + in it, as if the writer, embittered, was recalling his own youthful experience.) He + knew, too, what to-day we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a + merchant's business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the actual + supply of material—"what commodities are arrived or expected," and whether tea + is up ½d. or tin ¾d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The commercial world + changes only its methods of communication and expression.</p> + <p>The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary interest. From + the literary point of view, it is a near descendant—collateral, if not direct, + and anyhow based <a id="Page_ix" name="Page_ix"></a>on the same English empirical + humour of life—of Thomas Overbury's <i>A Wife</i> (1614—only one unique + copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's <i>Microcosmographie</i> (1628), in + prose, and Thomas Bastard's <i>Chrestoleros</i>* (1598), in verse. It is an early + instance of the stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material + previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is directly in the + succession which in the end produced what is perhaps the most enduring and individual + phenomenon in our literature—the English novel.</p> + <div class="blkquot"> + <p>* A copy of the very rare first edition fetched £155 at the Britwell sale + in February 1922.</p> + </div> + <p>Of course the book says things we do not say now openly—though the + traditional <i>corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum</i> which almost all men and even + some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from generation to generation, + solely by word of mouth, and flickers now and again in <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>. But + they were said openly then, and by great writers. There is nothing here so + nauseatingly indecent as the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev. + the Dean of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are bawdy + words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the Summoner or Tom Jones + might have used—less, on the whole. There is no need, to borrow a phrase from + <a id="Page_x" name="Page_x"></a>the book's sequel, to "make use of the gesture of + casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls will solace their spirits + with a little laughter, and never busy their brains with the subversion of Church and + State government."</p> + <p>Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in his pages + like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house for the Puritans, not + even, apparently, in the bringing up of his child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's + Puritanical Holding-forth" must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no + <i>Catechizing of Families</i>—a discourse published by Richard Baxter in this + very year 1683; and the only <i>Compassionate Counsel</i>—a Baxter pamphlet of + 1681—he is likely to offer to young men is to take life lightly, as his hero + does, and above all, not to marry.</p> + <p>For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is less well + sustained in the sequel, <i>The Confession of the New Married Couple</i>, and dropped + altogether in the bitter <i>Letter</i> at the end of <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>). It is + a savage attack upon women—upon (to quote a Rabelaisian sentence) "the + quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of + the female sex." Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots + and Shoes, etc., for we find both<a id="Page_xi" name="Page_xi"></a> Merchants and + money ready always to buy those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for + one of his implications is that women can easily be bought. But he—if it is a + "he"—is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully—what are + they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well: here are the + pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a match—and look at all the + worry of the settlement, in which, by the way, you may often be defrauded. You will + get married—a fine ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of + the neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the occasion. You get + married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your wife, who will indulge your + wishes or not as suits her mood. Your house will be all awry if she has but a slight + headache. When the baby comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen + and medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father added to the + discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your wife will know how "to + cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay lady of Covent Garden. And so on.</p> + <p>Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression if not in + thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of English middle-class + life under James II. that the importance of the book lies. Here is the <a + id="Page_xii" name="Page_xii"></a>domestic side of what the great diarists and the + great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records, those treasuries of + private appearances in public, chronicle with the severity of judgment. You have the + young couple going (alas that the river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved + farther up its own course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and + Southwark echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at + Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre on Bankside, + for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter preached. Or they might go + into Kent and pick fruit, even as "beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for + its cider and perry, the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only + for an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the streets gay with + signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but taverns wear to-day—the + sign of the <i>Silkworm</i> or the <i>Sheep</i>, or that fantastic schoolmaster's + emblem, the <i>Troubled Pate</i> with a crown upon it. And when they stopped for rest + at the sign of a bush upon a pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef, + the neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high and crops + poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom, and fruits of war. If the + impositions <a id="Page_xiii" name="Page_xiii"></a>and taxes run high, the country + farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must be given, or + else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long ago as 1682?</p> + <p>As a <i>genre</i> work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The gradual + social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop into stagnation under the + first Georges, caused didactic works, guides to manners, housewifery and sport, + society handbooks, to proliferate. <i>The Ten Pleasures</i> mentions some standard + works, which every good housewife would probably possess—Nicholas Culpepper's + medical handbooks, for instance, and <i>The Complete Cook</i>, which indeed, as part + of <i>The Queen's Closet Opened</i>, had reappeared in its natal year 1682-1683. The + same year saw the birth of such works as <i>The Complete Courtier</i>, <i>The + Complete Compting House</i>, <i>The Gentleman Jockey</i>, <i>The Accomplished Ladies' + Delight.</i> Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in readiness for the complacent + century about to open. It was also being explored, not only in such works as <i>The + Ten Pleasures</i> and <i>The Woman's Advocate</i>, but in others (entered as + published, but in many cases not known to be now extant) like <i>The Wonders of the + Female World</i>, <i>The Swaggering Damsel</i>, or <i>Several New Curtain + Lectures</i>, and <i>Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious + dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice</i>—all produced <a + id="Page_xiv" name="Page_xiv"></a>in that same <i>annus mirabilis</i> of outspoken + domesticity.</p> + <p><i>The Ten Pleasures</i>, apart from its intrinsic interest, is exceptionally + important from a book-collector's point of view. It is of the utmost rarity. There is + no copy in the British Museum and none in the Cambridge University Library. In fact, + there are only two copies known of the whole work—one in the Bodleian (wanting + one plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth Collection had a + copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies contain the second + part—<i>The Confession</i>—and evidently the two parts, though they have + separate title pages, and were published at different times, were intended to form a + complete work.</p> + <p>Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page. A. Marsh + cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers' Registers for the + period. It may be that Marsh thought it too licentious for registration (an + improbable supposition), and so, as Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad.</p> + <p>But the initials A.B. at the end of the <i>Letter</i> in the first part may be a + clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they are those of Aphra + or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first woman to earn her living by her + pen. It is true that she was, so to speak, <a id="Page_xv" name="Page_xv"></a>a + feminist: the preface and epilogue to her <i>Sir Patient Fancy</i> speak bitterly of + those who would not go to her plays because they were by a woman. On the other hand, + she had a free pen, to say the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch + associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She had herself been + on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated a Dutch book on oracles. If the + book was printed in Holland, she of all people could get the work done. And she knew + the city of London intimately.</p> + <p>There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in <i>Sir Patient + Fancy</i>, which recall touches in <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>. She introduces a Padua + doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her plays, a curious interest in + medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is + swelling up like the "pipsy" husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping + begins to be as ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their + mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of mankind." It is + not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered moment this singular woman threw + herself with malicious joy into an attack on her own sex.</p> + <p>"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric deservedly lives. If + she wrote <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>, the sort of love she describes <a id="Page_xvi" + name="Page_xvi"></a>in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet if we + want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart from the curious + interest of its rarity, <i>The Ten Pleasures</i> is a sturdy piece of human + nature.</p> + <h4>JOHN HARVEY.</h4> + <hr /> + <h2><a id="Page_xvii" name="Page_xvii"></a>Publisher's Preface</h2> + <p>"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to the Romance + of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted by the Navarre Society, is + surely proof most positive. The original is a small thick volume; it bears the + imprint "London, Printed in the year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that + copy lay unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's + shop.</p> + <p>Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the manners of the + commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague, who wondered why he did not + know it. After purchasing it he found the reason why—the Bodleian Library alone + possessed a copy of the work (imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only) + appeared in the last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present + text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above.</p> + <p>The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book, which presents + pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play which<a id="Page_xviii" + name="Page_xviii"></a> Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have + written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if so, it may well + be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to England foundered in the North Sea, + or was sunk by enemy craft. There can be no doubt that such a work would not have + escaped the wits of the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention + would have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other so + likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself.</p> + <p>It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time permit, with a + Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the industrious and sometimes + brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which the Navarre Society believe to be well + grounded. They hope that the issue of the book to their subscribers may help to + confirm or refute that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex. + Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so vividly + representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued from the obscurity to + which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it and worthily preserved for scholars + and amateurs of the future.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + <h1>THE TEN</h1> + <h1>PLEASURES</h1> + <h1>OF</h1> + <h1>MARRIAGE,</h1> + <h3><i>Relating</i></h3> + <h3>All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of + Matrimony.</h3> + <h4>Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.</h4> + <h4>LONDON,</h4> + <h4>Printed in the Year, 1682.</h4> + <hr class="full" /> + <h3><a id="Page_xx" name="Page_xx"></a>To the READER.</h3> + <p>Courteous Reader,</p> + <p><i>This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of some spare + hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small time, between whiles, + hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring down again, still pitching upon the + subject of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find + somthing worthy of thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as + hath never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither canst thou + well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat words, as other subjects + may be, but only to be clad in plain habit most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I + perceive that it please thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor + brain'd in the Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will + incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same</i> Tune, <i>but I + mean to the same</i> Purpose, <i>and apparelled very near the same dress: In the mean + time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to this, and give it a gentle reception, from + him who is thine. Farewell.</i></p> + <hr class="full" /> + <h1><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1"></a> The Ten<br /> + PLEASURES<br /> + Of<br /> + MARRIAGE.</h1> + <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he Nuptial estate trailing + along with it so many cares, troubles & calamities, it is one of the greatest + admirations, that people should be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into + it. In the younger sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling + desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a multiplying glass, + it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are once come to the years of knowledge + and true understanding should be drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and + morrice fooles caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger + it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible estate, do, by a + decease, cast themselves in again to a second and third time. Truly, if for once any + one be through contrary <a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a>imaginations misled, he may + expect some hopes of compassion, and alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what + comfort, or compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second and + third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from speaking, and ty + their tongues from complaining, that their miseries might not be more and more + burdened with scoffings which they truly merit.</p> + <p>And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as well known to + every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we see them run into it with + such an earnestness, that they are not to be counselled, or kept back from it, with + the strength of <i>Hercules</i>; despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid + slavery.</p> + <p>But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, how they + decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all manner of noble exercises, as + in keeping time all dancing, singing of musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of + several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the + learnedst Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any + exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors of young + Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of more then ordinary + beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she + is immediately ador'd like a Saint upon an<a name="Page_3" id="Page_3"></a> Altar: + And in an instant there is as much beauty and perfection to be seen in her, as ever + Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed all together.</p> + <p>And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so much money, + and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and totally abandoned that they may + keep company with a painted Jezebel. They are then hardly arrived at this intitled + happiness, but they must begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel + whereof, without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to the + Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what they shall do to + please the Sweet object. Being therewith so tosticated, that all their other business + is dispersed, and totally laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the + first degree, but also in persons that have received promotion.</p> + <p>For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly stragling about + his study, even as his sences do, one among another. And if you hear him preach, his + whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, which he then turns & winds to Divinity as + far as possible it can be fitted.</p> + <p>If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own sicknes, that + he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of them were lying at deaths + dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had appointed certainly <a name="Page_4" + id="Page_4"></a>to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no more notice of his + Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then if it did not concern him. But if + at last he doth come, it is when the wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that + the body is incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, or + Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.</p> + <p>If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to begin and pursue + the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in Marriage; that all other suits tho they + be to the great detriment of poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly + rejected. Then being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his + advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with his Mistress, + that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. But coming at last, one half + of the time that can be spent, is little enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in + what state the cause stood at the last meeting. And then having heard what the + Plaintif and Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the + accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can make any decision + of this cause to both your satisfactions.</p> + <p>There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say otherwise, but + <i>'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready against <a name="Page_5" + id="Page_5"></a>the next meeting</i>; and are, with grief at heart, forced to see as + much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the whole concern of their + debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now discourse of matters of state, and + drink a glass about to the health of the King & the prosperity of our Country and + all the inhabitants; which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, + he may boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a glass, + & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as ever <i>Nectar</i> + and <i>Ambrose</i> could be, that the Poets so highly commend.</p> + <p>If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what can the + unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they are writing, scribble up + a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary clauses, and make long periods; not so + much as touching or mentioning the principal business; and if he does, writes it + clear contrary to the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills + and other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the beginning, nor the + middle with either. Which occasions between friends, near relations, and neighbors, + great differences, and an implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent + and self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and Attorneys.</p> + <p><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6"></a>And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has + gotten the least smatch of this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he + daily neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies a Post + or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what Merchandises rise or + fall, or what commodities are arrived or expected. And by this means buies in Wares, + at such rates, that in few daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. + Nay, this distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a + Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and who hardly + thrice in ten times make a good voyage.</p> + <p>And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a military person + happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in Garison, he doth nothing but trick + up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge + and Warlike deeds; though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will + not mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a + great deal more that belongs to him.</p> + <p>And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with him; and runs + so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide fields are too narrow for him. + Yea and tho he formerly had (especially by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself + like a second<a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a> Mars; yet now he'l play the + sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to the end he may, having put on his + fine knotted Scarf, and powdered Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable + Babe, his Lady Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State + affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd <i>Jeronimo</i>.</p> + <p>And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with any strong + City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of his own Bom, and practises + all sorts of waies and means how he shall best make a capitulation, that so leaving + the place, he may go again to his fair one.</p> + <p>And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, when they are + sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring seas doth he not undergo, + through an intemperate desire that he hath to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How + often doth he hazard his Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an + inconstant draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath + drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet nevertheless, tho the + raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his head, he withstands it all. Nor is + the main Ocean, or blustering <i>Boreas</i>, powerfull enough, to cool his raging + fire, and drive those damps out of his brain.<a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a> The + tempestuousness of the weather, having driven him far out of his course; his only + wishes and prayer is, oh, that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his + Beacon, those twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things + would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were immediately Shipwrackt, + and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he + happens to see the Coast, oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty + weather, and he hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger, + that before was so far preserved.</p> + <p>And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive Wilderness, he doth + nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon his Customers. Spending most part + of his time in finical dressing himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach + or Pair of Oars to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with + what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with waiting upon + his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all things, how miserably he + neglects it, by which means, shop's not only found without a Master, but the servants + without government. And at New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if + any body desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he can't + spare half an hour to write it out: For <a name="Page_9" id="Page_9"></a>where he + goes, where he stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd + to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, and then out of + an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away + all his time, and all his business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.</p> + <p>To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner touch the shell + of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast the kernel they look for; they + feel nothing else then thorns and briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one + that thinks he is gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his + Mistriss, and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness; + immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair; being presently + molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or Tutor will not like his person, + or that he has not means enough; or else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make + choice of another in his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as + well as himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a + pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And if the other get + any advantage of him; then he challenges him to fight; hazarding in that manner his + precious life, for the getting of her, who when he had <a name="Page_10" + id="Page_10"></a>her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand torments of death and + misery. Pray observe what pleasures this introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may + we then expect from the marriage it self?</p> + <p>Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would not but curse + the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging madness? yet Lovers go forward, and + please your selves with this imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your + hope, you obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and + feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate01.png"><img src="images/plate01_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 1" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 10.<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a>THE FIRST PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept</i>.</h3> + <p><img src="./images/n.png" alt="N" class="figleft" />ow, O Lover, till this time + you have been indeavouring, slaving, turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and + begging to get from those slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent; + you have also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors, who + were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could obtain nothing; yet + at last that long desired Word, is once descended by the Draw-bridge of her lips, + like a rich cordial upon your languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals. + Oh who can imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts + glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials are laid + aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a sudden <a name="Page_12" + id="Page_12"></a>be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet concluded. + Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then you now possess! For what + you will, she will also: and what she desires, is all your pleasure. You may now + tumble in a bed of Lillies and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles, + and she that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her. Yea, those + snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch with your little finger; you + may now, without asking leave, grasp by whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full + view, consider all this rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in + the World? O unspeakable pleasure!</p> + <p>But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too much upon these + glistering things: be a little moderate in your desired pleasures, if it might happen + that there come some cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all + those suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that the mouth + which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and appear'd as if it had + been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was compared to be the jaws of <i>Cerberus</i>. + And those breasts, which before were the curded <i>Nacter</i>-hills, and called the + Banket of the Gods, I have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and + call'd <a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a>worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) + somewhat moderate and prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this + market might fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.</p> + <p>Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis hop'd there'l + be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite, that you should go unto all + the friends, that must be present at the meeting, to hear when their occasions will + permit them, and what day and hour they will appoint to set upon the business, + herewith you have work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of + them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day, another to + morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by this first Pleasure, you + have also a little feeling of the first trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is + to your advantage, because you may the better use your self to the following. And of + how greater State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly this + trouble generally happens to be more.</p> + <p>But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours, troubles and + turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together, and you doubt not but the + match will be closed and agreed upon. But be here also a little moderate in your + mirth, because oftentimes <a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a>the friends handle this + matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony bags of each side in a balance, as + you may see by the Plate.</p> + <p>In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in the next + room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and keeping of the Wedding; + but perhaps, through the discord of the friends, it will not be long before you are + disturb'd; the differences oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters + through the Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one is + too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that the Parents of the + Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and the Brides Parents will give too + little with their Daughter. Or else that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they + indeavour to make the goods of each side disinheritable, &c. So that it appears + among the friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter.</p> + <p>And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that it is not all + hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were better for these two to + remain unmarried, then to bring each other into misery; and can find no grounds or + reasons, but rather to disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage.</p> + <p>But tho, on each side, they use never such <a name="Page_15" + id="Page_15"></a>powerfull arguments, to the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for + there's fire in the flax, and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid + thinks, if this match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we + have had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am ruined for + ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so constant to him, not hearkning + to the advice of her friends, is so struck to the heart with such fiery flames of + love, that he's resolved never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water, + or go a begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of Matrimony for + what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and Damnation, I am contented, and + resolve to sign it: but thinking by himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and + new made again: hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with + black clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by + Eclipses.</p> + <p>But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for the knot is + tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very circumstantially write the + Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen + from my heart, and a Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for + more then ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; <a + name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a>about goes a health, the good success of the + marriage, and every one wishing them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of + prosperity,</p> + <p class="poem"><i>If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give,<br /> + How richly this young couple, then might live.</i></p> + <p>Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose nothing by + it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it produces. Then if there be + but one among them who is talkative, and that by drinking merrily the good success of + the approaching marriage, his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at + the closing of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate; and + commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at first he had the + World at will; but then there came this, and then that, and a thousand other + vexatious things, which continually, or for the most part of the time with great + grief and trouble had kept him so much backward, that it was long before he could get + forward in the World.</p> + <p>Well, M<sup>r</sup>. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top, and + rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you have now gotten your + legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired for Fetters, that nothing but + death it self can unloosen them.</p> + <p>And you, M<sup>rs</sup>. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking + countenance; be you <a name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></a>merry, you are the Bride; yea + the Bride that occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband + too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble and rumble you, + and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation, that will comfort the very + cockles of your heart. He will (if all falls out well) be your comforter, your + company-keeper, your care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish + for, or the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your palefac'dness, + your pains in the reins of your back, and at your heart, and all other distempers + whatsoever. He will also wipe of all your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream + of that thing in the night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then + your Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?</p> + <p>But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice; pray tell me, + when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage, what was the reason that you + alter'd so mightily, & that your hand shook so? Verily, though I am no + Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best + signs; and that one might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; + the events whereof would be more certain then any thing that <i>Lilly</i> or any + other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a short time it will + discover it self.</p> + <p><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></a>Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and + since you have gotten your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it + would be unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business. And + indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must trouble your head + with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and + many other things are yet to be bought. Well, who can see an end of all your + business! There's one piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third + looks dull and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little or + nothing bought yet.</p> + <p>And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in contriving, ordering + and looking upon things, you are every moment hindered, & taken off from it, with + a continual knocking at the dore to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits, + another to deliver the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &c, a third to + be Cook, & Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thundering + so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry their message to + the Bride.</p> + <p>Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker, and + Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought & ordered for the + Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands; and handkerchifs; & do but + see, the day is at an end again: my brains are almost addle, and nothing goes + forward: For M<sup>rs</sup>. Smug<a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a> said she would + bring linnen, and M<sup>rs</sup>. Smooth laces, but neither of them both are yet + come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and comfort your selves, + that the Bride will reward you liberally for your pains.</p> + <p>Well, M<sup>rs</sup>. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you now do + (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled pate with a Crown upon + it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is once over? could you ever have thought + that there was so much work to be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that + for these few troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your + case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running up and down like + a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may be proclaim'd. And now he's a + running to and again through the City, to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, + that are capacitated to entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty + discourses, waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the + rest of the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some good + <i>Canary</i>, <i>Rhenish</i> & <i>French</i> Wines, that those friends which + come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with a delicate + glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie about the Brides adornments, + may tast the Brides tears.</p> + <p><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a>But really friends, if you come to tast the + Brides tears now, 'tis a great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and + unfeigned ones, you must come some months hence.</p> + <p>O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil, and run up and + down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one another; he is doubtless + chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike + her ne'r a whit the worse; and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to + disswade her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care for + that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings over. For now you + have as much work as you can turn your self to, in getting all your things in a + readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find + that oftentimes two or three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the + greatest slavery imaginable.</p> + <p>Yet, M<sup>r</sup>. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this + reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a golden Tapistry + laid before you, and for your honour the Organs playing. The going with a Coach to + marry at a Country Town, has not half so much grace, and will not at all please the + Bride: it is therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who shall + be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens, but <a name="Page_21" + id="Page_21"></a>there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don, + but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally the Guests shall + be treated; for they would come off with credit and little charge. To this is + required the advice of a steward, because it is their daily work. And he for favour + of the Cook, Pasterer, and Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) + orders all things so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite. + And the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but once the + Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another consideration to be taken in + hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegrooms friends shall be plac'd at the Table, + the ordering whereof, many times causes such great disputes, that if they had known + it before, they would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and + the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell this marriage + nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But Bridegroom to drive these + damps out of your brain, there's no better remedy then to go along with your Bridemen + to tast the Wedding wine; for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a + delicate tast and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so delicious + as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be so many curious tasters. + Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and<a + name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a> Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant is such a noble + blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before they have drunk as many + Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask that they tasted of.</p> + <p>Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing but + superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers, who are constantly + talking & prating that the married estate brings nothing but care and sorrow with + it; here, to the contrary, they may see how all minds & intentions are knit + together, to consume and pass away these daies with the most superabounding + pleasures. Away with sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct + there is nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may enjoy + the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.</p> + <p>But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing, and thinks + her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first Wedding-night will be + ended, that she might carry up some water to the young couple, and have a feeling of + those liberal gifts that she shall receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all + her attendance, running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has + deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and was very + diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters; but all upon fair + promises, having carried her self in the time of <a name="Page_23" + id="Page_23"></a>their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never + had in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,</p> + <p class="poem"><i>And now the Bride is in the bed,<br /> + The former promises are dead.</i></p> + <p>Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as is becoming + you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man, Coachman, or neighbors servant, + may fall in love with you; for many times out of one Wedding comes another, and then + you might come to be a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as + well as your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night. Then + you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of marriage, and with the + Bride expect the second.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></a>THE SECOND PLEASURE.</h2> + <p><i>The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of the + Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others.</i></p> + <p><img src="./images/w.png" alt="W" class="figleft" />ell, young married people, how + glad you must needs be, now the Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You + may now ly and sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves + quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another the exercise and + handling of Venus Weapons.</p> + <p>Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your appetites, & + do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo <i>Aretin</i>, and all her + light Companions, in all their several postures. Now you may rejoice in the sweet + remembrance, how sumptuous that you were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other + ornaments that my Lady <i>Bride</i>, and Madam <i>Spend-all</i>, first invented and + brought in practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were + used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon Instruments, singing, + leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that youth being back'd with Bacchus strength + uses either for mirth or wantonness.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate02.png"><img src="images/plate02_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 2" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 30.<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></a>O how merry they were all of 'em! And how + deliciously were all the dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for + the Cook and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble, and + the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten gallantly, & drunk + deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant remembrance.</p> + <p>And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self; you are now + wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling narrow-soul'd Tutors (those + hellish Curmugions) now you may freely, without controul, do all what you have a mind + to; and receive therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best + beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.</p> + <p>And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how willingly doth + liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for you! Oh you have a pleasure, + that those which never tried, can in the least comprehend.</p> + <p>Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your desires, in the + pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs; for after some few daies, it + may be hungry care <a name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></a>will come and open the Curtains + of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings you are to expect from the + Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man, Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.</p> + <p>But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear your young Wife + every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with her Sister and her Aunt to buy + houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings + must be bought: And then she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately + Register, that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a + fellouw-feeling of it.</p> + <p>For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses, Chiny-ware, Plush + Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich Pictures, a Service of Plate, a + Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, + several Webs for Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, + and a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related: For other + things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they increase every day fresh + in the brains of these loving and prudent Wives.</p> + <p>And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at least the + Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good carefull labourer, must + follow them softly <a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a>with his wheel-barrow, that the + things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately brought home.</p> + <p>And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant and merry; + for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be without them; and that mony + must alwaies be certainly ready, get it where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all + this, at least, there must needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into + our house.</p> + <p>You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a good Portion, + though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses, Orchards, and Lands that be + oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you may go then, with your Hony, twice a year, + for the refreshing of your spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the + House-rents, fruits of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one + salutes you with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion, + indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment. If, with their + Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land, and to be a participator of + those sort of pleasures; or to eat some new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe + Fruits, all these things; in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to + you.</p> + <p>For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are burnt, the + Orchards <a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a>destroied, and the growth of the Fields + spoiled! therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but think, + this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions and Taxes run high, + the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that the War costs mony, and it must be + given, or else we should lose all.</p> + <p>At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this gallant + marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many Orchards, and of so many + dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags don't much increase by it at present, but + rather lessen, that most no waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at + such trivial things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to + our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in ready mony, you'd + have been at a stand again, where, without danger, you should have put it out at + interest; fearing that they might play Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies + fast, and they will pay well, when the War is done.</p> + <p>Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your self merry, + with the hearing that your friends commend the entertainment they have had to the + highest; and that two or three daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with + some of the nearest acquaintance, will come <i>a la grandissimo</i> to give you + thanks for all the respect & civilities <a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a>that + you have so liberally bestowed upon them; which will be done then with such a + friendly and affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must + invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make an addition to + the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness, mirth, and friendship, is planted + and advanced among all the friends and acquaintance.</p> + <p>'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding who were + displeased, for not being entertained according to their expectations; and because + their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some other friends were not seated in their + right places; that M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Leonora</i> had a jole-pate to wait upon her; + and M<sup>r</sup>. <i>Philip</i> an old <i>Beldam</i>; M<sup>r</sup>. <i>Timothy</i> + was forced to wait upon a young snotty-nose; and that Squire <i>Neefer</i> could not + sit easily, and M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Betty's</i> Gorget was rumbled; and that + <i>Mal</i>, and <i>Peg Stones</i>, and <i>Dol Dirty-buttocks</i>, were almost + throng'd in pieces; and could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at + all be troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis enough + that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them with your Feast.</p> + <p>Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highest degree; + and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you so much mony; for if + you had left them <a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a>all at home, you could have had + no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self with this, that when + it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at so high a rate. 'Tis much better to + invite them at two or three several times before hand, and entertain them with a + merry glass of Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to + govern and satisfied.</p> + <p>'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends animate one + another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and surprize you; with shewing their + thankfulness and satisfaction for the respect they have received from you; and that + they are alwaies desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give + you a visit.</p> + <p>This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and Cellar for + them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing among them. Yes, and it + will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.</p> + <p>And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are) your Wives + maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and unhandsomly; but, for + this, you shall be both by her, and her friends, beloved and commended in the highest + degree: Yea it will be an incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain + your friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep <a name="Page_31" + id="Page_31"></a>a fair correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an + afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and Peaches prepared for + you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a good glass of Wine. And in the + Winter, to please your appetite, a dish of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of + Oisters; but none of these neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of + Wine. Oh quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts, such + Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?</p> + <p>Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him to go home + with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it will be extreamly pleasing to + your Wife, and a double respect paid to him; because you bring him to a collation + among other Cousins, and pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and + familiarity is renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a + Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be extraordinarily + pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more agreeable to the female sex, then + that they may be instrumental in helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you + will see a double increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to + accompany her, and drive fancies out of her head.</p> + <p><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a>If your Wife should fail in her choice of + houshold-stuff, and other sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be + prudent School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and advise her + to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be neatest, and where to be + bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art of ordring things, that you need not + dispute with your Wife about the hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for + they'l presently say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; + and that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place with curious + Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will deliver themselves, like a + Court full of wise Counsellors, for the pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. + Well, what could you wish for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with + hammers: give it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If + there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might happen to disturb + your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm. It is not the fashion that + Women, especially young married ones, should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for + her, if she contrive and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most + suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in the night, but + she thinks on't; yea it costs <a name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></a>her many an hours + rest; therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.</p> + <p>And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the School to + exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should already begin to grumble and + talk how needfull it is to be sparing and thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is + mighty dead; that monies is not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and + bills must be paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent. + For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you might get for + an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor Bridegroom? This would be sad to + hear.</p> + <p>Go therefore to School by <i>Pythagoras</i> to learn silence; and to look upon all + things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do her own pleasure; and to + mix hony with your words. Then you shall possess the quintessence of this Pleasure + fully, and with joyfull steps enter upon the folowing.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a>THE THIRD PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by all their + friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country for their + pleasure.</i></h3> + <p><img src="./images/i.png" alt="I" class="figleft" />f it be true that there is a + Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young married people to ascend unto, these are + certainly the finest and smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible + to invite every one to the Wedding, this sweet <i>Venus</i> must be led abroad, and + shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World must see + what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree together. To which end + they trick and prick themselves daily up in their best apparel; garnishing both the + whole city and streets with tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of + all their acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate03.png"><img src="images/plate03_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 3" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 52.<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a>Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! + for they hardly can go ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are + saluted by some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and + prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according as occasion + presents, wishing them also much joy in their married estate; Yea the great Bowl is + rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the good prosperity of the young couple. Well, + thinks the young woman, what a vast difference there is between being a married woman + & a maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour every + one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking pleasure! And how every + where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist, receiving all manner of friendship! It + is no wonder that all womankind are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their + first husbands, but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a + fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve therefore to + think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them where ever there is + occasion.</p> + <p>And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for every foot + you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is oft-times as noble and + as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd alwaies at the upper end of the Table. + If next day you be but a little drousie, or that the head akes; the husband <a + name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a>knows a present remedy to settle the brain; and the + first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk + out of Town to refresh our selves, or else go and take the air upon the <i>Thames</i> + with a Pair of Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all <i>Lambeth</i>, the + <i>Bankside</i>, and <i>Southwark</i> shakes with it. Oh that <i>Apollo</i> would but + drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for it is too soon + to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the Watch. So that its every day + Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he cannot see the abundant pleasures of + marriage?</p> + <p>To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at rest, and + begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young woman talks of going out of + Town together, and to take their pleasures in other Towns and Cities, first in the + next adjacent places, and then to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was + there, and having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she hath a + great mind to see <i>Oxford</i> and <i>Cambridge</i>.</p> + <p>Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see <i>York</i>, + <i>Glocester</i> and <i>Bristol</i>, and take our pleasures those waies; for I have + heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant travelling thither, + and all things very cheap. And when he began to relate any thing of Kent, and its + multiplicity of fruit, my very heart leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as <a + name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a>soon as I am married, I will immediately be pressing + my husband that we may go thither; because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And + then again he would sometimes relate of <i>Herefordshire</i> what delicious Syder and + Perry is made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go that + way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the Fountain-head. Ah, + my dearest, let us go thither next week.</p> + <p>It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus much longer + out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is already so much behind + hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, Feasting and taking pleasure; but + alas, let him say what he will, he cannot disswade her from it.</p> + <p class="poem"><i>You may as soon retort the wind,<br /> + As make a woman change her mind.</i></p> + <p>In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies concludes + this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come again. If we don't take some + pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my Dear, a year hence we may have a child, + then its impossible for me to go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a + chain: And truly, why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they + were out a month or two, and took their pleasures to the <a name="Page_38" + id="Page_38"></a>purpose? my Mother, or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us + go also out of Town! For the first year will not come again."</p> + <p>Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his wife, he must + let her have her will, or else she will be daily tormenting of him. And to give her + harsh language, he can't do that, for he loves her too well. His father also taught + him this saying, for a marriage lesson, <i>Have a care of making the first + difference.</i> If he speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that + would occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be guilty + of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.</p> + <p>Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk they send + the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their best apparel with them, that + their friends in the Country, may see all their bravery. And besides all this, there + must be a riding Gown, and some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else + it would have no grace.</p> + <p>Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and prosperity upon + their journy, & so do I.</p> + <p>But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young woman + begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the World turns + topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she shall vomit her very <a + name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a>heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take her + off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he knows not which + way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might give all that he's worth in the + World to be at a good Inn. And she poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look + as if he had bepist himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears + him not; which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear the + hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning to decline, she + recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space softly forwards; the good man + thinking with himself how he shall do to get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she + may there rest her distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very + softly forwards, to get to the end of their journy.</p> + <p>Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of marriage, this is + but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me thinks I see the Steeple, we shall + be there presently; the little trouble and grief you have had, will make the + salutations you receive, and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. + And these dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your + stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of filthy and + slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse then your <a name="Page_40" + id="Page_40"></a>appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you: The good + Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall first whet his knife, and + where he thinks his poor wearied wife will receive the best entertainment and + caresses, to drive out of her imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her + journy; which will the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the + rarities of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the more, + because every one will be wishing the new married couple much joy, receiving them + kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and civilities: which I assure you is + no small matter of mirth.</p> + <p>But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to speak of + removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he will of travelling by + horseback, she is struck on that ear with an incurable deafness.</p> + <p>They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go along with them, + or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither would it be respect enough for + them in the presence of so many good friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come + to take them up at the dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks + for th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish the young + couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further attend them upon their <a + name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a>journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and + away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the liveless + stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the flight with his Proserpina + through the City.</p> + <p>But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth will stand + you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an eye in his head, but must + needs see, that if he tarry out long, this must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet + nevertheless I confess you must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness + with your new wife.</p> + <p>These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you must not so + much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from home, though in the mean + while all things there is going also the ready way to destruction; for it is the + fashion, at such times, that maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act + their own parts; and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep + open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the neighbours + when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them was no thought of care or + sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted and domineer'd so that the whole + neighbourhood rung with it; and how they have played their parts either with some + dried Baker, pricklouse Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.</p> + <p><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></a>Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan + prepared; and if there be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the + Cellar be lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices to + juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that their inventions + surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the Author of the English Rogue; of + which I could insert a vast number, but fear that it would occasion an ill example to + the unlearned in that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both + men & maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience hereof + sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been eased of that heavy + burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the whole World.</p> + <p>These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but if they were + of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved of to be curable, or a + remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of what state and condition they will, + every one feels the damage and inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is + outwardly visible unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or + other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, whether Counsellor, + Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects his Clients Suit, the other his + Patients, the third his Negotiation & Trade, and the fourth his<a name="Page_43" + id="Page_43"></a> Customers; none of them all oft-times knowing from whence it arises + that their first years gain is so inconsiderable. For above the continual running on + of house-rent, the neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume + your self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and uneasiness + that you suffer to please and complaite your new married Mistris. O miserable + pleasure!</p> + <p>But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as soon as you + return home again; if you only observe the motions of your wife, for whose pleasure + and felicity you have been so long from home. Alas she is so wearied and tired with + tumbling and travelling up & down, that she complains as if her back were broke, + and it is impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and then + neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared suitable to her + appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to be prepared and made ready, the + husband must take care and give order for the doing of it; the good woman being yet + so weary, that she cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk + about her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the + troublesomness of the journy.</p> + <p>In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and laughing at one + another, doing just what they list, and wishing that their<a name="Page_44" + id="Page_44"></a> Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to + have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by stealth, they make as + bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he had the eyes of <i>Argolus</i> can + attrap them; for if by chance you should perceive any thing, they will find one + excuse or another to delude you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the + good man is easily pacified and satisfied for that time.</p> + <p>And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of a Maid, + that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, getting her by that means + upon her side: in such cases you'l generally see two maids where one might serve, or + else a Chair-woman; the one to do all the course work, the other to run of errands + and lend a helping hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be + set in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.</p> + <p>And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a Jack in + a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take her rest the better; for + she hath caretakers enough about the house. And if the husband, coming from the + Change or other important affair, seems to be any waies discontented, that all things + lies stragling about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy + finds a fit expedient for it with complaining that her<a name="Page_45" + id="Page_45"></a> Mistris hath had such an insufferable pain in her head and in her + belly, that it was beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, + unless she had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this is + the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have been.</p> + <p>Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to speak with his + wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer is, prithee Sweetheart, don't + you trouble your self with those things, leave that to me, I'l manage that to the + best advantage; men have no understanding about house-keeping; & it is most + proper for a woman to have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there + be now and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of so + small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.</p> + <p>Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give him full + satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all things at a distance; yet + the maids behind his back, that their Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call + him, a Tom <i>Peep in the pot</i>, or <i>Goodman busiebody</i>. And before dinner is + fully done, he must hear <i>Peg</i> asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please + forsooth, to go by and by and give Mistris <i>Moody</i> a visit, or discourse a + little with Madam Elenor? As long as you <a name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></a>have + nothing to do, what need you ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that + the North Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily. Madam + <i>Elenor</i> will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that she will relate + unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a drift, and away she goes with + <i>Peg</i> out of dores. Let it go then as it will with the house keeping.</p> + <p>This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies agree so + lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out of Town to please his + wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure enough by her old acquaintance sweet + Mistris <i>Moody</i>, and courteous Madam <i>Elenor</i>.</p> + <p>Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles there are in + the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may think then what the middle and + end must be.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate04.png"><img src="images/plate04_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 4" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 52.<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a>THE FOURTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her barrenness, and + takes Physick for it</i>.</h3> + <p><img src="./images/v.png" alt="V" class="figleft" />erily it is a great pleasure + for the new married couple, that they have been up and down taking their pleasure, + and have been feasted by all their acquaintance.</p> + <p>Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of what friends + and relations each other hath; and seen also the great difference there is in the + ornaments, neatness, manners and deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the + <i>Hills</i>, <i>Dales</i> and <i>Meadows</i> lie, with their silver streaming + Brooks; but most particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be + treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the weakness and + vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who possess it, at last conclude + it burthensom, and have a longing desire to be at <a name="Page_48" + id="Page_48"></a>home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their own + Tables.</p> + <p>Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man hath been + long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all such idle expences, and + be again carefully looking after his affairs and vocation. Now he begins to hope that + all things will come into a handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife + will, having had her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of + pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some care for the + concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out so, to the great joy, + profit, and tranquility of the good man.</p> + <p>But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, without + some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will beleeve that, then you + may well think the whole state and term of your marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; + and that you have already got footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures + and contentments: Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better + understanding of further pleasures.</p> + <p>For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to complain, + that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life; that it appears very + strange and odly to her to converse with a new Maid, by reason she must <a + name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a>be telling her this thing, and commanding her the + t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are things that she before + never used to trouble her self with; and that it is such a trouble to her to be out + of her Parents house, in a strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so + high, that the good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these + foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle her frivolous + humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her tears with no small number of + kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't. And if this all falls out well, before six + weeks are at an end, there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this + splendant Sunshine.</p> + <p>For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape acquaintance, + and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which increaseth from day to day more + and more; nay oftentimes it comes to that height, she's better to be found among her + neighbours, then at home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with + her child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres <i>Breedwell</i> making + ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together. Yonder Mistris + <i>Maudlen</i> complains that she doth not prove with child; & then Mistres + <i>Young-at-it</i> brags how nearly she could reckon from the very bed-side. Oh then + she thinks I have been married this three <a name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></a>months, + and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still as if I were yet a maid: + What certainly should be the reason thereof?</p> + <p>This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the brain-pan and + imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not understand his Py-work well! + Then to the end she may hear the better how things goes; she inquires very earnestly + amongst her acquaintance what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most + shamlesly relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the curtains, + or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she may hear whether her + husband understands his work well, and whether he doth it well, and oft enough; and + also whether he be fully fit for the employ, &c. for the verification whereof the + Councel of women bring so many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much + more to speak of them.</p> + <p>Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their advice: And + the best sort will at the least say to her, I would oftentimes treat my husband with + such sort of spices as were good for my self, <i>viz.</i> Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, + sweet breads, Lam-stones, Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the + Coffe-house and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist + from Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling for the + kidneys. And then<a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a> I would many times my self by + dallying with him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it; + whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor want of desire + that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess, that you had sufficiently + done your indeavour.</p> + <p>Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy man, who art + now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws at your Table; and have free + leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which other women grumble and mumble at. And + besides all this, you find that your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, + and shews you a thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to + express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the morning, pray + Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very great pleasures.</p> + <p>But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain in the old + posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her husband; vaunting much of her own + fitness, and not a little suspecting her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, + a dry-boots, and a good man Do-little, &c.</p> + <p>This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never so much + indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from the reasons and + examples given by several <a name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></a>learned Doctors; + Culpepper; the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance that + he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still complains, I must have a + Child, or else I shall run distracted.</p> + <p>And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her brains, that + the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that she's no sooner risen from + her bed or from the Table, but immediately she goeth a gadding amongst the + neighbours; and takes other peoples children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of + them so unmeasurably, as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth + more simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have done. By which + means the children have many times as great an affection for their neighbour, as they + have for their own Father and Mother.</p> + <p>This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her husband: But when + he begins to consider, that his wife by this means knows how to handle, and make much + of children; and then again, that she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must + of necessity be no less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest + she is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is freed from the + curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a child. For she's no sooner within + the dores, but she talks of her neighbours <a name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></a>child, + and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in the World that she had such a one + too; which continues alwaies so long, that finally she bursts out into the like + former frenzy against her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I + shall run distracted.</p> + <p>But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no means or way how + to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best himself to take th'advice of + Doctor, and most especially with that French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill + of making many men and women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive + children: Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a + daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very necessary that the good + woman her self consult with some experienced Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the + end, that those distempers which are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better + removed and taken away.</p> + <p>To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought together, as + would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to work they go with smearing, + anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith (as they term it) the good woman is to be + made fresh and fit; but they make the bed and whole house so full of stink and + vapours, that it may be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other + parts of <a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a>the body; then to open those that were + stopt and caused Distempers.</p> + <p>But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the + good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her husband doth out of the + Oister and Eg-shels.</p> + <p>And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head next? What + shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon all the ways and means + possible to entertain her to content. If she will have costly things, he will buy + them for her; and dissimulately saith that all what she practiseth for her content, + is his only pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times in + several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen to be very suitable + with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no wise contradict her, for he fears + that she will presently be at variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, + whilest her mind hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a + child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may crown his earnest + desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him that he dares not anger her or + give her a sour countenance; fearing that if she might have conceived, that would be + the means of turning the tide.</p> + <p>To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife is well + satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is very hard <a + name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a>to be practised, so long as she is not with + child.</p> + <p>But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to hit that mark! + How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand in his Almanack, as if it were + printed with a red Letter! Well young people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at + last to the satisfaction of the Master.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a>THE FIFTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>The young Woman proves with Child, and longs.</i></h3> + <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he old Proverb tels us, that + after the sour comes the sweet; and I find, jolly couple, that it is so with you + also; for I hear finally that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is + that! Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath been to some + purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made for some good effects.</p> + <p>How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an + experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, for fear the least + accident might turn the tide with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or + some other sad mishap; and a mischance is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; + for that weakens nature abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad + consequences, & Thus the women talk.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate05.png"><img src="images/plate05_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 5" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 85.<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a> But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved + your self so gallantly; continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. + Look not at any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain the + principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must suffer much, and see + through a perspective glass all things at a distance; because you never before saw + your wife in so gallant a state and condition as she now is in; and therefore you + must cherish and preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her + often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maid-servants; nay, + though it were with your own self, you must pass it by, not concerning your self at + it; and imagine that you do it for the respect you bear your wife, but not by + constraint; for it is common with big-bellied women to do so.</p> + <p>But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and groaning happen + only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid it, or divertise your self with + other company. Yet by night generally shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore + be sure to provide your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good + sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often + happen that when you are in your best and first Sleep, that your dearest wil waken + you and complain of pain at her heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all + what is in the house must be <a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a>stirring, and you + your self also, though it be never so cold, out of the bed you must with all the + speed possible. Comfort your self herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which + you got with your wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.</p> + <p>Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are invited with + her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the Table shall be presented to + the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or have a desire to any thing; immediately + every one that observes it, are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were + never so little in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else + should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good woman is so ill + and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the Table, and falls from one + faintness into another; which for civilities sake, is then baptized, that she hath + sat too high or been throng'd, or that the room being so full, the breath of the + people offended her.</p> + <p>And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for the most + part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom knows her self what she + will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it tends to some thing or other that is + delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in + till she is sick with it; and if any one looks <a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a>but + very wishly at her; immediately another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay + perhaps for three.</p> + <p>And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; but is + thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure her sowing cushion upon + her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for fear the child thereby might receive + some hindrance and an heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to + that end an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this and + then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband without a wife, and the + family without a mistris.</p> + <p>Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is generally with all + things that are too frequently used) then she will be for spurring you up to walk + abroad with her, that she may get all sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the + season of the year affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with + sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad to spend much, + and at home neglect more.</p> + <p>If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her + life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man + absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and + they are so deep in the Country <a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a>that there is + somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.</p> + <p>And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat to be had; + but if there should be one, then you must be subject to humour the churlish Ferry + man, who seeing the necessity of the occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, + will have what price he pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to + hazard it, because many women are very fearfull upon the water.</p> + <p>But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found to please + your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your self jocund herewith, to + the end that other troubles may not so much molest and disturb you.</p> + <p>You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to be a little + big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all what she hath a mind to + & that is called Longing. And what husband can be so stern or barbarous that he + will deny his wife at such a time what she longs for? especially if it be a true love + of a woman, you must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child + would have some hindrance by it.</p> + <p>Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and prevent this, + you must observe, that all women when they are with child, do fall commonly from one + longing to <a name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></a>another: And then the providing and + buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to you as it is to them in the + receiving and use of it; and that not alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. + And truly he that will or cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, + because he shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.</p> + <p>It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their + imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, then they + long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine + and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must + have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full + satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some great Peaches and + Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose + her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.</p> + <p>If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again; + for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague + in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her + a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or + Russetings, the next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall + nuts and<a name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></a> Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what + you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, + or cost what it will.</p> + <p>And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness + of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superfluities pour down + upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once + be rid of these terrible charges and great expence.</p> + <p>But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other + new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing desire to. And if it be in the + Winter, then they long for juicy Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; + then for Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a + thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing + imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable, + but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who + simply imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and t'other + dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and + those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and + hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a + Greengoose or young Chickens; which in some places are <a name="Page_63" + id="Page_63"></a>very hard to be got, and not without paying excessive dear for + them.</p> + <p>This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will + serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it + rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so + dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, + Gingerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that + can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an + appetite prepared for it?</p> + <p>Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of + sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and + overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, & manytimes other + lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently + fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or + some other Physick taken for it.</p> + <p>But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing + liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she + hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the + Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives + her <a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a>good comfort; and orders her to take only some + of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with + sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with + this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or + Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly + lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with + either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the + second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be + sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that + strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &c.</p> + <p>Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then + that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the + suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such + pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to + remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an + operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an + antipathy, by the Patient.</p> + <p>Thus you may see, approaching Father, how <a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a>you + are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name + renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and + pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the + most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all + sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most + acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six + months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when + Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in season. And there is + no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of + them as she her self doth.</p> + <p>Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great + Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes + at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and + will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that + the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to + be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a + lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.</p> + <p><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></a>But comfort your self herewith; that the + medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, + that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely + admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner + too late to repent of.</p> + <p>Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right + road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and + beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not + only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. + And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate06.png"><img src="images/plate06_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 6" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 102.<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a>THE SIXTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife + and Nurse.</i></h3> + <p><img src="./images/i.png" alt="I" class="figleft" />n good truth it is very + pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it + rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and + every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great + pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her + reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the + Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that + a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff + unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it + oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no + collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.</p> + <p><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a>And the greatest joy is, that you have now so + hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a <i>Dry-boots</i>, or + a <i>John Cannot</i>; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for + quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have + no witnesse for your vindication.</p> + <p>You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name + of <i>Dad</i> & <i>Pappa</i>; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as + the name of <i>Bridegroom</i> was before.</p> + <p>O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! + how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very + weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what + imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! + Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much + stronger, and increaseth the affections.</p> + <p>Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that + you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of + marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to + her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that + there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides + <a name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></a>her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must + let it alone till another time.</p> + <p>Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so + much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone, + is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts + of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are + dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to + speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon + that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but + deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither + for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they + presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so + full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before + any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies + such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the + maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first + word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally + preach out of, and make longest sermons in.</p> + <p><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a>But methinks, I should happen to fall here from + the Mistris upon the Maid.</p> + <p>To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with <i>Jane</i> the + Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen + as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, + shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the + ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to + school to learn casting of an account.</p> + <p>Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof + will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three + pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And + you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, + by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now + possess.</p> + <p>Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; + who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes. + O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be + for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she + wishes that it were made.</p> + <p>But this requires some time: and then you'l <a name="Page_71" + id="Page_71"></a>have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the + semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, + till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.</p> + <p>Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her + very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once + obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a + Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life + of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.</p> + <p>Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if + she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she + shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull + wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she + hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the + number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases + her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third + is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. + To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman + <a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a>hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help + her to chuse the best.</p> + <p>And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having + already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and + other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she + is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, + and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a + third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another + drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner + with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very + handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good + woman, which is a matter of no small weight.</p> + <p>Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very + well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day + is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, + although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day + from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that + nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is <a + name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a>concerned for this above all other things + whatsoever!</p> + <p>And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds + her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do + or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, + with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long + neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again + there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a + Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, + & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow + mouldy for want of being turned too & again.</p> + <p>Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these + ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for + the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, + Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of + the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, + then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every + hole and corner.</p> + <p>These things do so excessively trouble her <a name="Page_74" + id="Page_74"></a>brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, + yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest + insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she + happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her + very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so + vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed + to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such + sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick + that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man, + that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with + so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these + finical humours.</p> + <p>But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great + commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest + relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that + y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with + great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your + first-born childs God-fathers, and <a name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></a>others to be + God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with + several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above + others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.</p> + <p>Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the + trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you + have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as + you did before with your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most + delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the + Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for + Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a + visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing + of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.</p> + <p>Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a>THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>The Woman falls in Labour</i>.</h3> + <p><img src="./images/b.png" alt="B" class="figleft" />ehold, young couple, hitherto + a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and + Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or + unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six + Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth + Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to + look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the + Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.</p> + <p>But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she + was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon + it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being + the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as + the Trade goes forwards.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate07.png"><img src="images/plate07_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 7" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 116.<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a>There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is + there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the + Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of + them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the + house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? + Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, + having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing + upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all + possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she + cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids + fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it + her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.</p> + <p>Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for + who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a + question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid + alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at the <a name="Page_78" + id="Page_78"></a>t'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good + woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced + Midwife).</p> + <p>Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of + some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the + hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps + she might be fetcht out to some other place, from whence she could not come. And if + it should happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this Midwife, or + else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take any of the other, for the + reasons afore mentioned.</p> + <p>But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, vex, and fret + her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in labour, turns against her + stomack, and there is no hopes further for that time.</p> + <p>But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the best; rather + think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto you, if your wife, thus + soon, come to be safely delivered of a hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, + you will be freed from all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing + of the grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your self did + expect you should have been.</p> + <p><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a>Be not discomforted although she doth thus + unexpectedly force you out of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see + there's great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love your + wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is also commonly the + worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very first you happen to meet with this + prudent and grave Matron Midwife, & do bring her to your longing-for dearly + beloved Wife; yet nevertheless you may assure your self, that before you can arrive + to have the full scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do: + For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all things that must be + fetcht, brought and carried to and again; therefore of necessity the friends must be + fetcht with all the speed imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and + several familiar good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come + to her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them very + ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be + no small affront.</p> + <p>It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards would not come + to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brothers wife had + notice given her of the Child-bearing before her self; little considering how few + people the young people had in the <a name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></a>night to assist + them; or that the confusion and unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not + think of such a method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen + between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed the + intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.</p> + <p>'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little doth the good + man know that he is now first come into that noble School & herein his patience + shall be effectually exercised or that this is but the first year of trying the same! + O how happy are they that are well instructed in it.</p> + <p>Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there not yet + wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor Drone, how he moves too + & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is in! he tramples his hat under his + feet, pulls the hair off his head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help + his dear Wife; and the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he + expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up + before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of another, though they + be all near relations and friends.</p> + <p>Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. Womens assistance + is at this present most requisite, and a good Stierman <a name="Page_81" + id="Page_81"></a>at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first backwards + then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath the keys of all the + Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool gathering, that, let him do what he + will, he can find no sort of those things he most stands in need of.</p> + <p>Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not think to + come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are not here wanting that are + most useful at this occasion; and the Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's + hoarse again! here's both the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And + Mistris <i>Perfect</i> hath them both, but they are lent out.</p> + <p>Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of breath, to + desire to borrow them of Mistris <i>Buy-all</i>. And she's hardly gotten out of + dores, before they perceive that the warming pan is yet to be bought; and that that's + worst of all, is, that all the Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; + oftentimes it happens that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable + condition is this!</p> + <p>Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were this the + greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all the womens countenances + looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each other, one <a name="Page_82" + id="Page_82"></a>beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great alteration + in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so desperate, that the fear is, + either the mother or the child, or perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever + the Doctor hath prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the + very girdle of Saint <i>Francis</i> can work here no miracle.</p> + <p>Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this come by + marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve that it is very + pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the Child-bearing hath no delight at all in + it. Oh I am affraid, if there come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not + be able to undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.</p> + <p>'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband and the + wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women beside; for they all cry that + the tears run streaming down their cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt + wine, can any waies refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding + the sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.</p> + <p>But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us five pounds + worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would make every one of our hearts + a hundred <a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a>pound lighter, and the great Caudle + Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.</p> + <p>Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you shall be + presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a>THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>The Womans brought to bed</i>.</h3> + <p><img src="./images/h.png" alt="H" class="figleft" />a boys! after all the toiling, + the happy hour is at last arrived, that the good Woman, finally is delivered & + brought to bed: well this is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; + for the good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.</p> + <p>Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is so overjoyed + that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out immediately to give notice of it to + all the friends and acquaintance; thinking to himself that every body else will be as + jocund and merry at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what + earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great Caudle Skillet + may be in a readiness!</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate08.png"><img src="images/plate08_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 8" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 127<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a>What a pleasure is it for him that he sees + Mistris <i>Do-all</i> attending the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds + and other Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris + <i>Swift-hand</i> & Mistris <i>Fair-arse</i> are tumbling all things topsie-turvy + forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those things that are most necessary + for the Child; but little doth he think that they do it more to be peeping into every + hole and corner, and to have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of + needfull assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any where + a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a rent in it: for one + or another of them will with grinning and laughing thrust her finger through it, and + then shew it to the rest, taking also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when + they are a little at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much + admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if she were a + greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them else when to the contrary, if + you should by accident come into any of their Garrets, when the linnen is just come + home from washing you would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might + very well imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are + Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd & torn, and a + third full of mildew.</p> + <p>Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook and corner, + they <a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a>finally get the Child swathled: And then to + the great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the Midwife, with + this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred years old, <i>Father, see + there is your Child, God give you much joy with it, or take it speedily into his + bliss.</i></p> + <p>Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is this again! see + him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat in his arms. O what a delicate + pretty condition he's now in!</p> + <p>Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical possession of + his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be a good present for you, when + he gives it you back again. 'Tis no wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a + thousand pound richer then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l + find a Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.</p> + <p>Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum trankums are + laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain the friends, who not alone + for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see + what is prepared for them. And I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, + yet there will be one or another of them that will be discommending something, and + brag that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one that seems + not fully to <a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a>beleeve her, immediately she cites + two or three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise and + commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have + better judgement than they? This is then a discourse for at least three hours, for + they are all of them so well verst in the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to + get a turn to speak before the other.</p> + <p>But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out of all their + prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill that hath received all the + Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, Lam-stones, and many other such like + things, for they have found by experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very + much the kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M<sup>rs</sup>. + <i>Luxury</i> it is very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, + and I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the soucing out. + And this discourse then is held up with such an earnestness, and continues so long, + that the Child-bed woman almost gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one + swooning into another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon + her.</p> + <p>Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath busied + himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now and then admitted to + cast in his verdict; <a name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></a>otherwise, let them talk as + long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them audience. But it is + much better for him, if, according as the occasion gives opportunity, there be now + and then spoken something concerning the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the + sheets, which is seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the + Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.</p> + <p>In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her sences, to + hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a back-Chamber, or in an Ally, + or some other by-place; and she is just now no where else to be found but at t'other + end of the City, there keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.</p> + <p>Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other + must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal right to her. And the Nurse, + finding that each of them so much desires her, thinks no small matter of her self, + but that she is as wise as many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow + is hardly to be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to + be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do what they will + or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable + Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here again, the Nurse is so <a name="Page_89" + id="Page_89"></a>quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her Mistres, therefore care + must be taken to find out some body or other that will come and suck the young womans + breasts for twelve pence a time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and + fester for want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the + tipples.</p> + <p>Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, and bring + Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven away; and most + especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good + M<sup>r</sup>. Doctor, for if this continue much longer, the young woman perhaps gets + an Ague that may then cost her her life.</p> + <p>Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure to be + found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now so liquorish and + sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in deed is very good at all times, + but most especially in this pittifull time for there's now nothing fitter for her to + eat then a little good broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or + new laid Egs.</p> + <p>But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it will not be + long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come to give you a visit, who + will then also out of their Closets of understanding be very much <a name="Page_90" + id="Page_90"></a>assistant to you with their advice and counsel for there are very + few of them that are not deeply experienced in Sir <i>Thomas Browns</i> Mid-wivery, + and if any thing do happen more then ordinary, they never want for remedies.</p> + <p>Now there is Doctor <i>Needhams</i> wife, who by her own experimenting, hath + knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as this, there is + nothing better then that the child must be glister'd; and for the lumps you must + indevour through a continual chafing to get them out of the young womans breasts. But + Mistris <i>Rattle-pate</i> relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in + her breast, when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by only + taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a + hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least + fear of danger.</p> + <p>Yes truly, saith Mrs <i>Talk-enough</i>, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that that is + very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to be chop'd; and there + must be a special care taken for that; therefore it will not be amiss to strengthen + the nipples with a little <i>Aqua vitæ</i>, and then wash them with some + Rosewater that hath kernels of Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or + better, I have lain in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so + much good, or gave me half the ease.<a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a> Pray, dear + Mistris, be sure to make use of that, you will never repent it.</p> + <p>But Mistris <i>Know-all</i> saith, that she hath made use of this also, and found + some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other things, that were + approved to be good; yet of all things never found nothing under the Sun that was + more noble then <i>Salvator Winter's</i> Salve, for that cures immediately: And you + can have nothing better.</p> + <p>Yet Mistris <i>Stand to't</i>, begins to relate wonderfull operations done with + oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the Gentlewoman in Py-yard.</p> + <p>Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a secret from a + prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can the vertue thereof be too + much commended. And she hath already communicated it unto several persons; but there + are none that tried it who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath + been very vigilant to note it down in S. <i>John Pain</i>, and <i>Nic-Culpeppers</i> + Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but participate it + to others: This is, <i>Lapis Calaminaris</i> prepared, mingled with a small quantity + of May-butter, and then temper them together with the point of a knife upon an + earthen plate, just as the Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which + will bring it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft <a name="Page_92" + id="Page_92"></a>and supple for the chops of the tipples; nay, though the child + should suck it in, yet it doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but + prevents the coming of any more.</p> + <p>Yes, saith Mistris <i>Consent to all</i>, and my advice is then to take a little + horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for that defends them, + and occasions their curing much better and sooner.</p> + <p>O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so many prudent + Doctresses! If <i>Clement Marot</i> might but revive, I am sure he would find here as + many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors at Paris. But O how happy will this + fortunate new Father be, when he may but once see the back-sides of all these grave + and nice Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of the + most accomplished Pleasures.</p> + <p>But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these remedies may be + good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our turns; for alas a day, the very + smell of salve makes her fall into a swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion + of sucking, for the very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to + keep a Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for Wet-Nurses are + generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever chatting and chawing something + or other with the Maids; and in their <a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a>manner they + baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom for the Child. And then + again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath also several considerations; first it + estrangeth much from you, and who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is + best to keep it at home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding + it often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now and then + giving it the sucking bottle.</p> + <p>But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the Grandmother, Nurse, + and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's lost. And the Child is so froward + and peevish, that the Nurse is ready to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and + play with it alwaies till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so + much that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to <i>Limbo</i>. For + this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a good one hath its + consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind love that the Mother hath for her + Child can no way suffer this, she will rather suck it her self though the pain be + never so great. Yet having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that + it is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at quiet till + there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes to the very heart of both + Father and Mother to put the Child out to Nurse.</p> + <p><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></a>And do but see after much seeking and diligent + inquiring, the new made Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat + cleanly and mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the + <i>East-Indies</i>, & her child died lately.</p> + <p>This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new Father, and + Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now all things will go well; + for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child; the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & + all this pleases the good Father very well.</p> + <p>Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that you may + recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of sucking, or disturbed of + your natural rest: now you must let the Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look + after or meddle with nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and + groan lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to be weak + and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in must be kept full out. + Do but think now by your self what you have a mind either to eat, or drink; the first + and worst daies are with the tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you + recover any strength with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new + laid Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a <a name="Page_95" + id="Page_95"></a>diet for you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have + a more strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted Pullet, + half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a + piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, + you must be sure to drink two or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well + sweetned with the finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any + French wine, for that will too much inflame you.</p> + <p>O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and especially, + because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink again with your Child-bed + wife; and you begin also to perceive that if all things advance as they hitherto have + done, you may then again in few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing + her.</p> + <p>This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so pleasantly of; + because it learns them alwaies such a curious remembrance. And really it is almost + impossible that the husband at these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well + as his wife sits to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive + and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife may eat with a + better appetite, and recover new strength again. I would therefore advise the + carefull Nurse as a friend, that <a name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></a>she should be + sure to provide her self with the <i>Compleat Cook</i>, that she might be the more + ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what she hath a mind to have made + ready, for her brains are but very weak yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily + remember at first what is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.</p> + <p>O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and carefull + Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this! And behold, by this + delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins from day to day to grow stronger + and stronger; insomuch that she begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to + be desirous of coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out + of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and main Pleasure.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate09.png"><img src="images/plate09_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 9" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 141.<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></a>THE NINTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>Of the Gossips Feast</i>.</h3> + <p><img src="./images/n.png" alt="N" class="figleft" />ow, O new Father, you have had + the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some + purpose.</p> + <p>But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so many joyfull + delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first and most famous hath been; for + it seems as if your Child-bed wife begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, + and to leave off her grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up + and down the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.</p> + <p>But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips Feast kept. + To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious Counsel held, as if the + Parliament of women were assembled, to consult who shall be invited, and who not. 's + Wounds, what a list of relations and strange acquaintance are here sum'd <a + name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a>up in a company together, to be invited to the + Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can ever do this all in one day; because + she would not willingly miss any of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the + Presents she expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them + that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and her Child. I + wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the Office of an Inviter to all + such sort of Gossippings, but the women understand these affairs and the ordering of + such sort of invitations much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not + necessary.</p> + <p>O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing + this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity + have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I assure you I would order + the Nurse to desire Doctor <i>Toss-bowl</i>, my Lord <i>Drinkfirst</i> and then the + other Gentlemen, to wit, Masters <i>Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, + Seldom-sober</i>, and <i>Shift-gut</i>, to fetch home their Wives in good time from + the Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near relations, that + you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going + home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with + a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a<a name="Page_99" + id="Page_99"></a> Child-bed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once + arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may + e'en clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.</p> + <p>Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no sooner have + made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and + pricking of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted + guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and + corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for + Mistris <i>Foul-arse</i>, Gossip <i>Order-all</i>, and Goody <i>Dirty-buttocks</i>, + will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth, + according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary + Chamber, with a Letter to <i>Gravesend</i>, only to take an inspection whether it be + as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And + 'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders + webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good colour, + equal-size and thickness.</p> + <p>But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these incumbrances, the time + will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprized by our + Guests. Uds life, how busie the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with <a name="Page_100" + id="Page_100"></a>dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O + pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what + would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt + any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and all the + friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do confirm it: For behold, + every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness. + One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like + another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline + very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who + forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me, + what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have drest it up most curiously! And truly + there's no cost spar'd for the having very rich laces.</p> + <p>Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed woman begins to + enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she had to fetch this Child out of + the Parsly-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her + acquaintance, &c. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a + long-winded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the + good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a <a name="Page_101" + id="Page_101"></a>one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her + churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband + was not half so hot.</p> + <p>Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more + about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.</p> + <p>In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor <i>Nicholas None-eys</i> how he + rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly + trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bed-side! O what a + pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack + and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, + sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast + expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for them of his + Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their + mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they + resolve not to flinch from it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole + estate richer then he was before; and what need he care for it then.</p> + <p>Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm; + and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own + Commodities.</p> + <p><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a>O how happy would you be, O Goodman + <i>Cully</i>, if you had but as many ears as <i>Argus</i> had eys, that you might + hear every where, whilest you are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet + stories and discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris + <i>Sharp-set</i> relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to keep + School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had feasted their carkasses + well: but that conning of her lesson had caused her severall times to make a journy + to the Parsly-bed.</p> + <p>At this Mistris <i>Sincere</i> wonders extreamly; saying how strangely these + things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish there is a married woman + brought to bed, but she was so miserably handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can + express it. Insomuch that Master <i>Peepin</i> the Man Midwife, was fain to be + fetcht, to assist with his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever + escaped it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed to be + placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.</p> + <p>In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris <i>Fairtail</i> + relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously stitcht up by their Tailor; + and how she was every foot running thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she + had torn in her Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and + then again to have her stockins soled.</p> + <p><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a>It is no wonder, (saith Mistres + <i>Paleface</i>) that this should happen to a poor innocent servant Maid; there was + my husbands first wives niece M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Young-rose</i> that modest Virgin, + she kept such a close conversation & daily communication with Master + <i>Scure</i>, that at last there appeared a little <i>Cupid</i> with little ears, and + short hair.</p> + <p>Nay then (saith Mistris <i>Lookabout</i>) those two sisters need not twit one + another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet compliance and + converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the corner-house, where she did eat so + many China Oranges, and other watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an + extraordinary swelling under her stomack; which Doctor <i>Stultus</i> judged to + proceed from some obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not + continue so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of her + distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.</p> + <p>Mistris <i>Lookabout</i> was going to begin again; but they heard such rapping and + knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve there are our husbands; and + indeed she guest very well. This augmented their mirth mightily. And especially of + the Nurse; for now she was sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his + Gossips nobly and liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat + your self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon Companion, + who being <a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a>at a Gossipping Feast, called the + Nurse alone to him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take + a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all things, and also + filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my wife is a little covetous, and + oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, + so that I beleeve her gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a + good body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; & + there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in a paper, into + her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at the least a Crown piece, thanks + him very demurely, and puts it in her Pocket; never opening it till they were every + one of them gone, but then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are + warned now by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill + about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the Wine begins to + surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than before.</p> + <p>And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but yet not so as + the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls so bravely upon the good + health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss, that when she was going to swathe and + feed the Child, instead of putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it <a + name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></a>under the chin, & sometimes against the breast; + and then when she was about swathing of it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a + wollen blanket and linnen bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little + naked body only in the blanket alone.</p> + <p>O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and entertained + all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their curious relations! Now you + will have the honour also of entertaining their husbands your He-Gossips, who will + not be backward in doing of you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before + them, and talk as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.</p> + <p>Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds to the + highest? Ha, ha, saith Master <i>Laugh wel</i>, that's a Child! who ever saw a + braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have such a delight in this + Child, that if we were but a little alone together, I'd cast you such another as if + it were of the same mould. Stay a little, stay a little, saith <i>Master Fillup</i>, + it may be you would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who were + Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an Alehouse, and talking + lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of them said; Cocksbobs <i>Jack</i> if I + had but a Wife, as well as another, I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. + Ho, ho, saith the <a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a>t'other, it is an easie thing + to get a Wife if one seek it. If I would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the + Bridegroom within the space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a + wager between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of dores just + upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets length, before he met + with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an errand for her Mistris, and he + presently laies her on board. But she seemed to be very much offended, that an honest + Maid going about her business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred + by a strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he, you have + a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may certainly beleeve that it is + an honest person who speaks to you, and only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with + a virtuous good condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier, + and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please to admit me + this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest man, and none of those that go + about to ly and deceive any body; and indeed my intention & desire is to marry, + to that end seeking nothing but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at + this time found one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of + terms. But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had <a name="Page_107" + id="Page_107"></a>no mind at-all to a Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and + miserablest sort of levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were + seldom advanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldiers + life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that was under the + Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical pride did any waies take place by + them, but that they, on the contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into + their thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again, all what + the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our selves, we get from them: + we never take care for to morrow, having alwaies something fresh, & every day new + mirth. Riches, Sweetheart, doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; + & there's no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies + see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards and + Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c.</p> + <p>In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the more, because + that very morning she had a falling out with her Mistris) and told him, she would + take it into consideration. He answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we + spend time in thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any + thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally falls out well + <a name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></a>with him. But she drawing back a little, he + saith, ah my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder comes a + Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time, till that be past by; + therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for otherwise I must go & seek my fortune + by another. For a Soldier neither woos nor threatens long.</p> + <p>Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by the Moon, she + gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box for a pledge of marriage; and + desired something of her in like manner for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: + howsoever he persisted so strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a + pledge of marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto his + Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the Garter. Whereupon he + that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it was, what her name was, and where she + dwelt, &c. And being told by another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well + complexion'd Maid, By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that + I could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if you will give + four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the Maid too into the + bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l hardly know whether it be me or + another.</p> + <p><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></a>Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two + first Cans of Wine were spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one + charged to keep it secret.</p> + <p>This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the hour and + place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to her several passages + that were passed between them the day before, and shewing her the Garter, made her + beleeve that he was the person that had contracted with her the day before. To be + short, the Maid leaves her service and marries him. And that which is most to be + observed, is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the second + performed; for just nine months after they were married, she was brought to bed of a + gallant young boy, and they lived very peaceably and quietly together.</p> + <p>Well, I'l vow, saith Master <i>Crossgrain</i>, that's a very notable relation; it + is better a great deal that the business happen so, then like another, which is just + contrary, that I shall make mention of to you.</p> + <p><i>Barebeard</i> and <i>Mally</i>, who by a sudden accident, without much wooing, + were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was published; but falling + out, they called one another all the names that they could reap together; nay it run + so high, that they would discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go + to the Bishop & crave that they <a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a>might have + liberty to forbid the Banes themselves, which hapned so.</p> + <p><i>Barebeard</i> coming then with <i>Mall</i> before his Grace, complained that he + did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a good event, because + he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, + bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of mortality. Therefore it might go as it + would, he did not care for the Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those + reasons, he desired his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking + it much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She on the + t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the streets at all hours of + the night, a private drunken beast, a Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care + for him neither. Whereupon his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do + you think that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps when + you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth for the most part + change the ten sences into five. But she answered, may it please your Grace, he is no + such man to do that, for all that he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like + stiff-neckedness, and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please + your Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I should be + then fast enough bound to <a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></a>her; neither would I + willingly go alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.</p> + <p>The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such sort of Flax, + caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said <i>Barebeard</i>, may it please your + Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with whom I please, or have a mind + to? to which his Grace answered, yes. Presently <i>Barebeard</i> thrusting his head + out at the dore, calls out aloud, <i>Peg</i> do you come hither now; and begged that + his Grace would be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall + seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in this; if I had + the least thoughts on't, I would have had my <i>Hal</i> to have tarried for me at + this dore, instead of tarrying for me at another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in + great ire, chid them most shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first + it might very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second consent; + yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But <i>Barebeard</i> being now + married with <i>Peg</i>, they got no children: And <i>Mall</i> being married to + <i>Hal</i>, they had both a Son and a Daughter at one birth. By which its easie to be + observed what acquaintance <i>Mall</i> had made with <i>Barebeard</i> before hand, + & why she would rather marry with Hall then with him.</p> + <p>To this again Mistris <i>Sweetmouth</i> relates, that <a name="Page_112" + id="Page_112"></a>she had been several times invited to Mistris <i>Braves</i> labour; + and that she had been twice brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in + the last encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she presented + him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would equally balance his great + bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk again for another, and finding in what + condition things stood, she calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a + most delicate pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which + she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the wonderfull + works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, as if it had been in its + Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just cut open with a small hole, it begun + presently to make a little noise like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very + rare & pleasant to be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such + high doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.</p> + <p>But this Story was hardly told before Mistris <i>Tittle-tattle</i> pursued it with + another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two years ago I was at a + Gossipping by Mistris <i>Gay</i>, who was then brought to bed both of a Son and a + Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the Labour came so violently upon her, that + as she was standing upon the stairs, not being able to <a name="Page_113" + id="Page_113"></a>set one foot further; and having neither Midwife, nor any other + women of her neighbors and friends, only the assistance of her husband and the Maid; + she was immediately delivered of two gallant Children; but they did not live + long.</p> + <p>Upon my word, said Mistris <i>Bounce-about</i>, it is an excellent help when men + understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It hapned to me once that some + Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat late in the evening; and because I had had + several Symptoms of Labour, said this, Mistris <i>Bounce-about</i>, if you would now + take a walk to the Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor + weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an hour, and + being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep; before there begun such an + alteration of the weather; that my husband must up with all speed, who wakened the + Maid, and sent her for the Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all + what they could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any bodies + help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were done with such a + confusion; that he received the child in the Christning cloath instead of the + Blanket.</p> + <p>And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would burthen the + strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, because it is impossible to + distinguish one from <a name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></a>the t'other, when the men + and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times they spin such course + threads of bawdery in their talk, that are enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And + who can tell but that their tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one + of them who hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is high + time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the child, they begin to + break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.</p> + <p>Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be presented to + you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind and cordial entertainment, + and not one of them forgets to wish that you may the next year either have a Daughter + to your Son, or a Son to your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when + you receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their wishes aim + at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, to toss up the + Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they peep into all nooks and + corners.</p> + <p>Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but prithee tell + me, would not a body wish for the getting of such another, that his Wife might make a + journy to the Parsly-bed twice a year?</p> + <p>Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your running and going + early &<a name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></a> late to invite them. Oh thinks she + by her self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But Nurse + you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies sickness, for there's no + drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among the Beggars that can cure you of it. And + I dare say Nurse, that you'l go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony + mighty scarce: because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in + their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the times are now so + strangely altered, that they keep little mild-shillings only for that use, nay some + of them rub it off with a couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope + for your sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises but no + performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made your bargain to have + had a peece more at the least for your Nurse keeping; or otherwise you must have had + the full liberty to toss up the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, + or else to have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and then + after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the twinkling of an eye, + swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of the Father, Child-bed mother and the + Child; for the Wine was laid in to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is + commonly known that the Nurses are not so <a name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></a>mealy + mouth'd; for although they don't do it that every one should see it, they'l be sure + with the Maid to get their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again + think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more care they will + take for the Child.</p> + <p>Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs amongst other + things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will nevertheless be turning about to + another mirth, and then you may be sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore + make much of your self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows + whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet with such a good + Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed woman, & a plentifull + housekeeping, is not every where. And you may certainly beleeve, that the month will + be no sooner ended, then that you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin + to consider with her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so + that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.</p> + <p>Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist and + mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a mess of milk and + brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that you'l have time enough to wast + away that fulsomness and fogginess of body, that you have gotten in your + Nurse-keeping.<a name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></a> For there's no body that will + give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your attendance, unless they want you + again.</p> + <p>O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that you may have a + renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the Nurse-taking its leave, and + will conduct you to a following.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a id="Page_118" name="Page_118"></a>THE TENTH PLEASURE.</h2> + <h3><i>A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths</i>.</h3> + <p><img src="./images/o.png" alt="O" class="figleft" />h how pleasant is th'estate of + married people, above that of Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and + Pleasures! Verily one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it + is impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to display it + with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst Painter might have drawn it + very near the life, yet it would be but a dead draught, in comparison of the reality + and experience that is found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or + Tables but it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness of + one of the nine Parts.</p> + <p>Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so short a time + arisen to the height of being possessors of all these Pleasures: And so much the + more, the ninth being hardly past, before the tenth follows, as it were treading upon + the heels of the t'other.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate10.png"><img src="images/plate10_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 10" title="" /></a><br /> + Folio 188.<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London</p> + <p><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a>They have scarce wiped their mouths or + digested the Child-bed Wine in their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of + mirth & jollity; for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child + must be put in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father! + 'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.</p> + <p>At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty pleasing + Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable discourses. But now you shall be + honoured with treating the Matron like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your + kindest friends and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also + who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and pleasant + countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, <i>super naculum</i> + drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you, your Bedfellow and young Son; + and very heartily wish that you may increase and multiply, at least every year with + one new Babe; because that they then might the better come to the Child-bed + Feast.</p> + <p>Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss your Cups + and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray God bless his Majesty and + all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our Native Country; <a name="Page_120" + id="Page_120"></a>all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. And when you + have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with the honour and name, in + a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well is not that a noble title; such a + Pleasure alone is worth a thousand pounds at lest.</p> + <p>And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other Women are + contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put in Cloaths upon the best + and modishest manner: For she is resolved to morrow morning to be Church'd, & in + the afternoon she'l go to market.</p> + <p>She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in the second + part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and in the streets, she hath + continually observed severall children, and the most part of them dressed up in + severall sorts of fashions: Some of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she + doubts whether that be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which + makes her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand very neat + and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly and very dear; but then + again it is very comly and handsom. And then again she thinks with her self, as long + as I am at Market, I'd as good go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for + all; it is for our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person; + therefore it <a name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></a>is better to take that which is + curious and neat, the price for making is all one; besides it will be a great + Pleasure for my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his + mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.</p> + <p>Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing much, you have + need but of little; and it is for your first. When it grows bigger, or that you get + more, you must part with much more mony. Don't grudge at this for once, because then + you would spoil all your mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, + who is not only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very + carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd. You your self + have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a while, for women must have + their wills; say but little to her, for her brains are too much busied already; and + it may be that in three hours time, you would hardly get three words of answer from + her; and suppose you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your + answer from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all her + thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, one among another + continually, to order the dressing up of her child.</p> + <p>I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at present run a + Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and<a name="Page_122" + id="Page_122"></a> Trade are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and + by reason of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce, nothing + near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort your self herewith, that + it hath hapned oft-times to others, & will yet also happen oftner to you. Yet + this is one of the least things; but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse + goes away. This seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a + Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than you had + before.</p> + <p>You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks after the + Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from tossing and tumbling with + it in the night: whilest others, on the contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their + houses; begin first to tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that + the Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto both Father + & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman is yet so weak, she can + neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of the Cradle; insomuch that the Father + here must put a helping hand to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath + the greatest share in it.</p> + <p>By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of the Kernel + of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, <a name="Page_123" + id="Page_123"></a>out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that + she might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her breasts for the + Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off with but rocking the most part + of the night; for many times it happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, + that Father, Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of + their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and stratagems, yet + all's to no purpose.</p> + <p>And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few months are + past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so night & day, that + they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing a thousand thousand times over + that they might see day-break; and so by the comfortable assistance of day-light + receive a little solace for all their toiling and tumbling too and again.</p> + <p>Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be discomforted at + this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have learnt somthing in the School of + Marriage, to exercise their patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves + contented with all things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is + past, they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them thanks with + its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with a slabbering cocurring. And + I beleeve now that <a name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></a>they clearly find that all + things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And that the fairest + Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a Cloudy Storm.</p> + <p>You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much greater + advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, neither need you to be + troubled with tossing & dandling of the child in the night.</p> + <p>O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you! For now you + may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your Son; and by that means reap + the possession again of all those former Pleasures; & by every one be saluted + with the Title that you are an excellent good Artist.</p> + <p>If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your wife too much + on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her miscarry. But you have learnt + all these things well enough at the first, and without doubt have kept them well in + remembrance.</p> + <p>Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your dearly + Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most neatest dresses. What a + World of pains she takes & spends her spirits, to make the Tailor understand, + according to what fashion she will have it made; & to hasten him that all things + may be ready and totally finisht against Sunday next.</p> + <p><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></a>O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what + a pretty Son you have! How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that + knows how to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better pleased! + Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too short for her to gad up + and down traversing the streets of the City, that she may fullfill her desire of + shewing it to every body: never was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and + the Maid with the Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides + seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to day. And most + especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse turn'd away, the Maid cannot + let it penetrate into her brain; that she now not only the whole week must rock, + sing, dandle, dress, and walk abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also + bound to the Child, like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly + did, to walk abroad with <i>Giles the Baker</i>, or <i>John True the Tailor</i>; nor + so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred; which occasions + no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.</p> + <p>But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs also to the + Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented because your Dearest walks abroad + thus every day; but rather think with your self, she takes her <a name="Page_126" + id="Page_126"></a>spinning Wheel and reel along with her. And if in her absence, you + have not that due attendance, nor find that in the house and Kitchin things are not + so well taken care for, why then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance + of the Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you enjoied + the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child should sit much, it + might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe were ruined for ever. It is also too + weak yet to be any waies roughly handled; but it begins from day to day to grow + stronger and stronger: Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit + all your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, and drinks + not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no small Pleasure for the + Father and Mother to see that this little young Gosling can so perfectly distinguish + the tast of the Wine, from the tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder + years, perhaps they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it. + But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes people quickly + gray-headed.</p> + <p>Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at an end; you + will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels or small Pox; and then + you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might not be <a name="Page_127" + id="Page_127"></a>disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no + wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and measeling when he is + five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary there may then perchance appear + so many glimps of marriage Pleasures from him, that such small things will not be + once lookt at.</p> + <p>For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I have told + you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a pretty sweet Gentlewoman + she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she goes to learn to write and read; but + most especially to prick samples; which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before + she hath half learnt to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making + of Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.</p> + <p>Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in seeing + your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil deportments; and that she + begins to study in the book of <i>French manners and behaviours</i>; and knows also + how to dress up her self so finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all + the neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves very much + honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of + their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct one another in the newest fashions, + finest Flanders Laces, the difference and richness of Stuffs, the <a name="Page_128" + id="Page_128"></a>neatest cut Gorgets, and many more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, + and what's more, they begin also to invite and treat each other like grave persons, + according as the opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; + then with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards with + some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of Tee, or else to eat + some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if the Coast be clear to their minds to + a good joint of meat & a Sallad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these + delicious conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a + bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very pleasing to see + that they do so observe the making good of the old Proverb,</p> + <p class="poem"><i>As old Birds did, the young ones sing, Which is a very pleasant + thing.</i></p> + <p>Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your selves of so + many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to the very entrance to + repossess your selves of them over again; and perchance they'l never depart from you + as long as you see the one day follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in + relating your happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can + happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your heart, and abhor + everlastingly <a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a>the thoughts of relating it; then + you will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into your Company, + & then also will your estate and condition be famous through the whole World.</p> + <h2>Conclusion.</h2> + <p>Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married people, who are + but indifferently gifted with temporal means, indeavour to puff up each other with + vain and airy hopes and imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, + vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights + and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their own miserable condition, + or else to draw others into the same unhappy snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But + it is most sad and lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown + themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then it was before: + For they, who at first could but very soberly and sparingly help themselves, do find + when they are married, that they must go through not only ten, but at least a + thousand cares and vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten + Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any of + those, which many times are so different <a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a>and + contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of + dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching into the + bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, + proud, opinionated, domineering, and unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides + there are a great number (which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please + others, and Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise themselves + so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long they can hardly close their + Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder much, if you see the greatest part of women + (tho they trick themselves never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their + Parents are fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may + disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen that they are in + effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, &c. for we find both + Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those commodities.</p> + <p>Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out of this + dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a woman much more than a + Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon amongst all women kind could not find one + good. Observe by what hath befallen those that went before you, what is approaching + to your self, if you follow their <a name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></a>footsteps. And + be most certainly assured that the acutest pens are not able to expound the light + & feasiblest troubles and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most + difficile and ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter of + a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon your heart; and + lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the glorious Apostle, <i>It is good for + man not to touch a woman</i>.</p> + <h4>The End of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h4> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <h2><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></a>A LETTER</h2> + <h3>From one Friend to another,</h3> + <h3><i>Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry.</i></h3> + <p><i>SIR,</i></p> + <p>I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given me some + incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate upon the question you + propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is a matter of great importance, that + ought to be well pondered and considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize + & celebrate it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very + same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they were affected; + but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and unboundedly with you, by reason I dare + speak unto you with more freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me + strictly to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I have of + this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then you <a name="Page_133" + id="Page_133"></a>may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my meaning + for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the disasters we are subject to + in our life time, that of Marriage takes preference from all the rest: But for as + much as it is necessary for the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by + such as are not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof. + Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there will happen to + him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to take a Wife. Those troubles + that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies of so small a strength! that he who hath + but the least magnanimity may easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are + such a burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he would, which + it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry then, you shall have a + thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand + plagues; and in a word, a thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to + your Grave. You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you every + day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to awake and disturb you in + the middle of your rest! and the fear of some mischance or other will feed your very + spirit with a continual trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to + awaken you out of sleep. Their <a name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></a>lives shall + hasten your death. You shall never be at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will + be pining at many insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be + vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your + very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which alwaies accompany this + evil, in the very happiest marriages. So that a Man ought in reality to confess, that + he who can pass away his daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is + a heavy burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is marriageable, will + do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to + either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections; + changes her behaviour, & covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She + dissembleth her hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her + bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech and face; and to + say all in one word, she puts on the face of an Angel, till she hath found one or + other whom she thinks fit to deceive with her base tricks and actions. But having + caught him under the Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other + side of the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the naked + truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only forbad her to reveal: By + degrees <a name="Page_135" id="Page_135"></a>then vomiting up the venom that she so + long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is repenting, or the greatest + understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, + who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a + Queen upon her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love her. + But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is oftentimes tempted; a + young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of + folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and + light hearted, she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of + her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can flatter you so + well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her freedom of spirit will appear + hypocritical to you: her airiness you will judge to be tricks that will be very + troublesom to you. If she love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and + sweet-tooth'd, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad + Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost you so much care + and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her + apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters with your mony. And in this manner her + lavishness, shall destroy all your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she + shall never <a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a>bring you much profit. In good + troth, I esteem very little those sort of things, which you imagine to have a great + delight in. 'Tis true, if you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without + either air or spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old + are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the innocent laught + at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and women without airiness, have + generally but small sence of love. In these last some body might say to you, that one + ought to take of them that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will + surge a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one who + fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the middle, to be the + higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise you to marry. Yet I would not + have you to beleeve, tho I so much discommend it, that it is no waies usefully + profitable. I esteem it to be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which + makes it bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you must then + conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to subject your self to the + toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most difficult to be born with; to pass by all + her deficiences; to assist her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to + approve of all her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend <a + name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a>to. Now you have heard and understood all my + reasons and arguments, you may then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that + you would willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it would + be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and vertues survive in your + children. But as to that I'l answer you, and say, that your reward shall be greater + in relieving the poor and needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and + procure you an everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to + your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that they are both + Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good trees do not alwaies bring + forth good fruit. If, when you have seriously perused this my Letter, you are not + affrighted at your intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And + beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of marriage, is + much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, then another in the whole + scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a single man may freely and resolutely + undertake all things, to Travel, go to battell, be solitary, & live according to + his own delight; without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and + Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for their friends will + never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning <a name="Page_138" + id="Page_138"></a>your intention; and further I give you no other advice, then what + by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do well: but not marrying, + you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather then to marry, you shall alwaies + find me to be</p> + <p class="poem">SIR<br /> + <span class="i4"><i>Your very humble servant</i></span></p> + <p class="signature">A.B.</p> + <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p> + <hr class="full" /> + <h1><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a>The</h1> + <h1>CONFESSION</h1> + <h1>Of the</h1> + <h1>New Married Couple.</h1> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/title2.png"><img src="images/title2_th.jpg" + alt="THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE" title="" /></a><br /> + THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE<br /> + LONDON,<br /> + PRINTED in the JEAR 1683.<br /> + <i>Published by The Navarre Society, London.</i></p> + <h1><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a>The</h1> + <h1>CONFESSION</h1> + <h1>Of the</h1> + <h1>New Married Couple,</h1> + <h2>Being</h2> + <h2>The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h2> + <h3>Relating</h3> + <h3><i>The further delights and contentments that ly masked under the bands of + Wedlock.</i></h3> + <h4>Written by <i>A. Marsh.</i> Typogr.</h4> + <p class="ctr"><img src="./images/title-design.png" alt="" title="" /></p> + <h4>LONDON,</h4> + <h5>Printed in the year 1683.</h5> + <hr class="full" /> + <h3><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143"></a>To the READER.</h3> + <p>Courteous Reader,</p> + <p><i>Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go forward with a + Second, which I here present thee with; being now indifferently confident that it + will be no worse used by Thee then the Brother of it was: I hope there is never a + Part of it, in which thou wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for + such as profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the gestur of + casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell you a notorious ly, I + would not have them to study in it, by reason it speaks a great deal of truth, and + will not be so suitable to their humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is + scrambled together, which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in + such</i> holding forth <i>Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make use + of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their Spirits with a little + laughter, and never busie their brains with the subversion of State and Church + government: And being well received by such, it is as much as is expected by him who + is thine. Farewell</i>.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + <h1><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a>The</h1> + <h1>CONFESSION</h1> + <h1>Of the</h1> + <h1>New Married Couple,</h1> + <h3>Being</h3> + <h2>The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h2> + <hr /> + <h2>INTRODUCTION.</h2> + <p>It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many traverses and + tossings too and again, they return quietly home to their studies and rememorates all + the unexpected pleasure that they encountred with upon the one Coast, and the + horrible vexations and confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning + thereof, doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and conveyeth + them through all the Countries, without so much as the least moving of a foot. Just + so it goes with those that have been under the Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed + from them: These being then come to be solitary, at rest, <a name="Page_146" + id="Page_146"></a>and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate and recogitate what + pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings and crosses they met with at other + times. And the writing down of these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the + received pleasures; but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for + them to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys are still + approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know not the sweetness of the + Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon that they may with all earnestness Sail + unto it, and possess those joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you + Ten Pleasant Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and + not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous Reader add unto + them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married people have since confessed, + or to be short with you, was formerly wink'd at, and passed over.</p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate11.png"><img src="images/plate11_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 11" title="" /></a><br /> + 9<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a>The First Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised + Portion</i>.</h3> + <p>Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part of your + Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal delights in it. But + what is there in this World that we grow not weary of? You have seen that the + sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes, and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, + with al their rich fruits, finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of + them.</p> + <p>Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it is + possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst the rest the gain of + mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this appears to be the least burthensom, + tho it have much trouble in it. Therefore is it very much commendable, O young + Couple, though you have a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of + Marriage testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your apparel, + and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate how to make the best + benefit of your stock; and so much the more, because your Predecessors got it with a + slavish diligence, reaped it together with sobriety, kept it with <a name="Page_148" + id="Page_148"></a>care, and finally left it unto you for your great pleasure. It is + then also not strange, if you, as true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the + best profit of it; to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find + that they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily this is one + of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could but any waies make the dead + sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice + at so happy and carefull an intention of you their children.</p> + <p>And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable, then to begin + with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily gain, yeelds every day new + pleasures, and by consequence a merry life. 'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater + respect, and yeelds also sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it + is for the most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the destruction of + young people, and so intangles the merriest part of their lives, that fears and cares + deprives them of their night rest. If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a + fear that the Ships at sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If + they will assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are also + so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes them very slow and + circumspect; or if they be not <a name="Page_149" id="Page_149"></a>so, it is to be + feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself might come to be + lost.</p> + <p>But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for every moment you + get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who buy continually with ready + mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and trust the new. Yea all the news that goes + about the City, is brought home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman + brought to bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure can + there be then this?</p> + <p>Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant to your + husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so by degrees learn to + understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the customers; whereby you can in his + absence, also help the customers, and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you + oftentimes attain to as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband + himself.</p> + <p>You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in this choice, + and that not only for your husband, but principally for your self. For if that + mischance might happen to you, that death should bereave you of your husband, you + find your self oftentimes setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, + and set forward with <a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a>reputation. Nay though you + might happen to have children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in + the same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from them, which + will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and over whom there is seldom so + much command, as over ones own children.</p> + <p>And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows quick, he + perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else may be taken by the hand + that is also profitable, and then he will alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise + that is secure and advantagious.</p> + <p>It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your housekeeping, + and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure with your Gossips as you + formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if your husband had taken any sort of + Merchandice in hand; because that a Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it + were also wedded to the Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much + less to new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the Trade, + and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both and junket together; + which makes no small confusion in the family; but little regard must be taken about + that, for the importantest must alwaies be taken care of.</p> + <p>And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment, begin once + to take <a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a>possession of you, the thoughts of all + the former pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are more + noble and becoming, <i>viz.</i> in the well governing of your Men and Maid-servants + in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they be obedient unto you; the + Family must be wel taken care of; going to Market with the Maid to buy that which is + good, and let her dress it to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the + Maid neatly drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of + Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your got a little + farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly and finically drest up; and in + hearing of it, whilest it is in the standing stool, calling in its own language so + prettily Daddy and Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever + you go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home again in your + Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you have it) to be by your + Baby.</p> + <p>And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends and + neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in Bridewell, nor the Bow + ever stiff bent) why then you have Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for + pleasure as devotion. And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then + you may sing tantarroraara three daies <a name="Page_152" id="Page_152"></a>together, + and get your fill of it. So that you may find time enough to take your delight and + pleasure, tho you be a little tied to a Shop.</p> + <p>This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some of the + nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop, and to furnish it + with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make that you may alwaies say Yea and + never No to the Customers.</p> + <p>O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is otherwise + somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by his friends! and how + joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at first seemed to be high-spirited, is now + herewith so absolutely contented.</p> + <p>O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent upon one + subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of Wedlock and love together! + Certainly to be of one mind, may very well be said to be happily married, and called + a Heaven upon Earth.</p> + <p>Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too monstrously, as + if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be found in it. Now they would see + how that Love in her curious Crusible, melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To + this all Chymists vail their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the <a + name="Page_153" id="Page_153"></a>hardest Minerals as soft as Milk and Butter. This + Art surpasseth all others.</p> + <p>Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht upon. The man + hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French Manufactures and Galantries, + &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much better, if they handled by the gross in + Italian Confits, Candied and Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, + Pistaches, Bon Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek + and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine; which is a + Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast, and beloved by all the + World. And by this she thinks she shall procure as many Customers as her husband, + because she hath familiar acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw + away much mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and + Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she received an + honourable visit.</p> + <p>O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife! that takes care + and considers with her self for the doing all fit and necessary things to the best + advantage. And really she is not one jot out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize + is both relishing and delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.<a + name="Page_154" id="Page_154"></a></p> + <p>Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne Wood, and + to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And you are happy, that Master + Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good + acquaintance, and so near by the hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most + curiously together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you + would swear it is all of one piece.</p> + <p>Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go thus + forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be, at the least, a span + too little. O how glad you'l be, when this trouble is but once over! and that the + Shop is neatly built, painted, gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.</p> + <p>O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be when this new + Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one Counter commending, praising + and selling, and one servant bringing commodities to him, and another hath his hands + full with measuring and weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment + enough with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the Customers. Then + it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass that your Predecessors got such + fine sums of mony together, and left them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you + ought also, even as they did, to provide <a name="Page_155" id="Page_155"></a>your + selves with a curious and easie to be remembred Sign, because your Customers by + mistake might not come to run into your Neighbors Shops.</p> + <p>I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper, first hung + out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson, but by reason of his great + custom, they called him, by the nick name, of James in the Sheep; which remains still + as a name to the generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well + customed Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the sign + of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy whose name was also + William Jackson, for the making a distinction between them, they gave him the name of + William the Silkworm, which also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common + only among the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among Coachmen, + Wagoners, and others.</p> + <p>But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our new married + Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the earnest desire they have to see + all things accomplished, and their Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got + on his doublet, tho he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you + come to this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in <a + name="Page_156" id="Page_156"></a>the way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it + will be much the pleasanter.</p> + <p>For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be wanting to + fill all the corners and places with commodities that must be sold by length of time, + and to stand out the trust; and also with patience and meekness expect the coming of + mony from slow and bad paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the + promised Portion.</p> + <p>Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made his full + account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised Portion; not doubting + but that the young womans lay all totally ready told of in bags; and thought to take + it in the best sence, I will pay my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in + peaceable times, when there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are + better furnisht, will then give him the principal.</p> + <p>And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since other mens + fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an answer, <i>With young men + must be promised, and with daughters must be given.</i> And others make their sons + give them a bond, wherein he, as by example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his + father six hundred pound, whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to + give in marriage with his son six hundred pound: which <a name="Page_157" + id="Page_157"></a>at last comes to nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect + cheat to deceive and hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her + Guardians.</p> + <p>It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are discovered, + there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come to the true pleasure.</p> + <p>But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side, you can get + provisionally your interest, and when times mend your principal. Perhaps it will not + be half so well with your wives estate, for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath + spent and run out more in gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her + estate could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues thereof + received and consumed long before they were due.</p> + <p>'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is this + approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her Guardians, to see if + they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in. But to his good fortune, he finds it + in a much better condition than he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent + much less in her apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that + there's not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to be paid + unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides apparel <a + name="Page_158" id="Page_158"></a>and the other accoutrements. Well this is an + extraordinary pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many + hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that otherwise would + not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one may easily perceive that mony + increaseth love very much; and that Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and + so diligent in search of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the + Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a very close + intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten double salaries (and that + ofttimes too from both sides) if they can but help anyone to a good bargain, and that + he obtains access; and afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a + match. But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with, is well + known to the whole World.</p> + <p>You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim to possess + the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting voices of these crafty + Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon the <i>Scylla</i> and <i>Charibdis</i> + where the Hellish Furies seem to keep their habitation. These are the only + Occasioners of bad Matches, and such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once + affoards both Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.</p> + <p><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159"></a>But our new married Couple went clear another + way to work, who now to their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, + injoy such multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of + kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast Estate to be gained + thereby: So that they find, that in that estate, there are not only Ten, but a + thousand Pleasures cemented together in it; whereof in the following shall be + demonstrated in some part the imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished + Portrait.</p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate12.png"><img src="images/plate12_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 12" title="" /></a><br /> + 27<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2>The Second Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the Doctors + advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions.</i></h3> + <p>Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, sympathetically + minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, how to breathe into each other + their burning hearts-desire, wherewith the one doth as it were kindle the other, and + do every moment renew and blow on again their even just now extinguished + delights.</p> + <p>Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the longest Summer + daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their affections; they hardly know + how to find out time that they may bestow some few hours <a name="Page_160" + id="Page_160"></a>in taking care for the ordring and setting all things in a decent + posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall alwaies live thus, + <i>Salamander</i>-like in the fire, without being ever indamaged by it. But time will + teach them this better. In the mean while we will make our selves merry with the + pleasure of this married Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with + severall brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.</p> + <p>But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other pastime then + to entertain each other in all manner of kind imbracements, and to chear up their + hearts therein to the utmost. Here it may be plainly seen how pleasant and + delightfull it is for the young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the + longer the more frank and jocund.</p> + <p class="poem"><i>So, that to us, her countenance doth display<br /> + Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day.</i></p> + <p>But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self insensible, yet + maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new married Man, before few months + are expired, find that he becomes the very subject of flouting at and laughter, among + his former boon Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of + a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, and thinness of + his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.<a name="Page_161" id="Page_161"></a></p> + <p>And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that he himself + beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid their mockeries, casts it + of from him as far as possible may be. But his own opinion doth so clearly convince + him, that in himself he ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.</p> + <p>But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and drinks, he thinks + that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself inwardly weaker of body rallies + with his own distemper, in hopes that by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he + may from them understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided; + and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from your wife and + Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, or else you'l become like one + of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, if that be true, I have spent my reckoning + this evening very happily.</p> + <p>Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night discontented + in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has walkt in a dump from Towerhill + to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best for him to do, and how to compass the matter + neatly. For to remain so from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the + usual family duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the matter + is, is yet worse. To leave of<a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a> Tobacco, and eat + knuckles of Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink Chocolate, + that sticks against the stomack.</p> + <p>Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers affection. + Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he resolves to deny his + dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to that purpose will somtimes in an + evening feign to have the headake, or that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no + absolutely;) and thereby commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the + morning, as if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and + down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it himself in + milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate instead of Tobacco; and he + feigning that he hath an extraordinary delight in it; and on the other side, perswade + his wife that he has a huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and + new-laid Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.</p> + <p>But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather weaker then + stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who immediately prescribes a + small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty or more several sorts of herbs, to be + infused in a pottle of old Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern + thereof at a time: Item a Plaister to <a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a>be applied + to his Stomack; and an unguent for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to + chafe the Temples of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, + &c.</p> + <p>But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife; therefore must be + laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German Doctor, who without stop or stand, + according to the nature of his country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as + followeth: <i>Ach Herr, ihr zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr + habt in des Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das + Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze kranckheyt haben, + wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, + ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier + andermaal tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber + triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und Enteneyeren, die + wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, + Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und + Taubengehirn viel gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; + es is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und mechtich + werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich zein</i>.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164"></a><i>In English thus</i>.</p> + <p>Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in the + mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, if you make not use + of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of sickness; but if you do take it, + you'l be very quickly and dextrously cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour + you may both storm and take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make + often use of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with fat + meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps and Goats milk boild + with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in + them; and drink temperately Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing + of this, you will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very + acceptable to your dearly beloved.</p> + <p>Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives + that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of words but few effects for his + mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before + made use of; and is therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that + boiling and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him take a <a + name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a>resolution to let it take its course. But still + growing weaker and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send + for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is + troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins of his back, a lameness in + his joints that he can hardly lift his arm to his head; together with a foulness of + his stomack, which makes him that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all + up again, &c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the + ground of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.</p> + <p>O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will + come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers + at the playing of his own part, and never fails to note down his Visits; but most + especially if he have the delivery of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them + then so largely to account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the + Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the tiding of a new + Bankrupt.</p> + <p>But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for nothing; and + it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new remedies; especially when we + see that you constantly write.</p> + <p class="ctr">Rx <i>Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij</i>.</p> + <p>And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and Tansies, + &c.</p> + <p><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a>Though since the Patient, like making a + Martyr of himself, is in this manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly + beloved Wife is not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately + come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of consolation to the good + woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken such deep root in her heart, that no + crums of comfort, though ever so powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the + seeing of a husband who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, + to ly sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and mollifie it + with showers of tears.</p> + <p>But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with this + sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it known to good + acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you before) are very ready to appear + with their flouts and gibes, and instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the + Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then + half your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your wives; and we + alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate Wedding-wine for you, that + you would have desired us to have taken the like care for to have such at yours, and + afterwards at your Wives lying-in. Yet since <a name="Page_167" id="Page_167"></a>it + hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor hath taken so much the better care for + it.</p> + <p>Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the same time, + as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last receipt had ordered Rhenish + Wine.</p> + <p>And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce abundance + of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast up a hundred Receits + which makes <i>Peggy</i> the maid blush and be most cruelly ashamed at; but behind + the Window she listens most sharply to hear what's told and confessed by those that + be in the Chamber, as to the further matter of fact.</p> + <p>For Master <i>Barebreech</i> relates, that as he was travelling the last Summer + into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through Edenburgh, met there + with his cousin Master <i>Coldenough</i>, who look'd so lean and pale-fac'd; that + Master <i>Barebreech</i> told him, in truth Cousin, I should hardly have known you; + verily you look as if you were troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a + first lying-in through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that + you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too true. I went from + home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks or a month, that I might store my + self with fresh provisions, and sing a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, + Ho, saith Master<a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a> <i>Barebreech</i>, flatter not + your self with such a fancy, that you'l get as much up again in three weeks or a + month, as you have been running behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a + frolick go into France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company + together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then when we come home + again, you'l find your self so well, and both you and your wife will be thankfull to + me as long as you live for my good advice of taking this journy. To be short, the + Cousins travell together, and Master <i>Coldenough</i> came home so lusty, fat and + plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired mightily + that he was so fat and corpulent.</p> + <p>At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having toss'd up their + cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh Kan, and Master <i>Winetast</i> + begins to relate how that he used to be familiarly acquainted with a certain brave + Judge, who had a bucksom bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which + at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very cleaverly by + his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately, + without further delay, go upon a journy; having read that, prepares himself with his + man forthwith to be going.</p> + <p>But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take some important + <a name="Page_169" id="Page_169"></a>writings along with him; the Lady calls his man + privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her displeasure to tell her, + who delivered him that Letter; with a promise of her favour if he spoke the truth. + Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the + Judge; but he hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to + know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will have the + greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear anything, said her + Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.</p> + <p>A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and walking with + his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of Sheep, having but one Ram + amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one + Sheep hath such horns, and the t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the + Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love, + answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes Hony, saies the + Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) alas poor Creature, how must you + long then to walk some other Road!</p> + <p>There had been more related; for Master <i>Carouser</i> was entred upon a new + subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to break of.</p> + <p><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a>But <i>Ellen</i> the starchster, being busie + in the Kitchin with the Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; + saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by my truly + Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this + is clear another thing, this sickness is not without great danger; and it would be no + such wonder, if my husband hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the + Pleasures of Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.</p> + <p>But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the Pleasures + so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as it were for the present + hid behind the Curtains; neither must you expect to sail alwaies before wind and + tide; and beleeve me there are yet other Nuts to be krackt.</p> + <hr /> + <h2>The Third Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's sake. + The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing.</i></h3> + <p>It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel striving against + the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made and furnisht, then the good Man + falls sick, and keeps the first Lying in.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate13.png"><img src="images/plate13_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 13" title="" /></a><br /> + 50<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a>But Experience having taught him, that with + relishing and solid dishes a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, + to take a journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers in + other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which means he may as + well take as good care for his health, as he doth of his Shop-keeping.</p> + <p>Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their loves so + tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young woman thinks she shall + do, as formerly <i>Cyana</i> did, either consume her self in tears, or drown'd her + self in a River, if she must suffer this.</p> + <p>Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of mankind, if + her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not then but beleeve that the + married estate is full of incomprehensible and inexhaustible pleasures and + sweetnesses? Do but behold how these two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray + observe what a number of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch + actions are used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the reason + of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these effeminate + passions.</p> + <p>Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between her Sister and + her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; <a name="Page_172" + id="Page_172"></a>and using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull + heart merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her + bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, suppose ye did + all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with me!</p> + <p>But because time and good company help to decline and pass away sorrow; she very + happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit opportunity, to invite her Neeces + and Bridemaids and other good acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty + familiar, to come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they + have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times with Tarts, + Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that she is as yet ashamed for + not having made them some recompence. And she never could find an occasion that was + convenient before, because one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another + time with her Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her + pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for trivial + expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat she received, was for + the most part done, to bring her acquainted with this or that Gentlewomans Brother, + or Cousin, or some other pretty Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might + <a name="Page_173" id="Page_173"></a>happen to make a gallant Match; and indeed the + first original of the wooing, and acquaintance with her beloved, had there its + foundation.</p> + <p>To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies appear so + well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer themselves to be conducted + to the place by one or other of their Gallants; who then either very easily are + persuaded, or it may be of themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this + must be done and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the + mony as well as her husband.</p> + <p>Here now must <i>Doll</i> run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a Rowling-pin, and + some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest + <i>Mage</i> is also hardly able to stand longer upon her legs, with running up and + down to fetch new-laid Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The + Mistriss and <i>Doll</i> are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both + helpt to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook must be + spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and <i>Mage</i> must run to the + Confit-makers in <i>Black-Fryers</i>, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all + other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients, + &c. for she knows best where all those things are to be had. And for a principal + dish there ought to be a Pot <a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a>of Venison, a + couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and + Olives for the Gentlemen, because they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And + truly they that bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also + but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not, + neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats so many of his friends and + acquaintance, and then again next day following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may + very well play my part once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't + what will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this three years. + And against next morning, very privately, she invites the Gentlewomen alone, to come + about nine a clock in the morning, to eat hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come + precisely out of the Oven; and in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, + Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or + be fetcht ne'r so far.</p> + <p>Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago was so + sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly there's nothing comes + out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then womens tears!</p> + <p>But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all + things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover there <a name="Page_175" + id="Page_175"></a>there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical + Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their Patron, hang like + Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the sorrowfull, and to rejoice with + the joifull. But it is now a time to be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for + all is done under the Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman + had not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the pleasures of + marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there was no looking for them.</p> + <p>Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in sight; + which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have been seen in a house; + nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but now every one knows how to play + artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games + that the expertest Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in + their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to + play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that in a short time they can and + also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies + find, that every one of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, + and to act the part of a Mistriss.<a name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></a> And most + especially they learn to discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; + just as these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never seen that + they practised this lesson themselves.</p> + <p>But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing of these + tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing, + for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what + paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their + Mistresses footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad + together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that we thought it + necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures of Marriage, also to be set + down in the Third Table of the First Part.</p> + <p>Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be + grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their + innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they, + and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to + Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore + this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have + gotten a <a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a>delicate bit by the by, cannot fare + well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for + it.</p> + <p>But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this + evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning + women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand + witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser + Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner</p> + <p class="poem"><i>Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:<br /> + Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best.</i></p> + <p>Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate + stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending + themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that + walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether + our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have + done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be + very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom + Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing + themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors + <a name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></a>or at the least Widowers; then casting out a + discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the + Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must + stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a + Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell + their Wives, or their father Confessors of.</p> + <p>Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before + hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour; + to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish + Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where + there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.</p> + <p>Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out + the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not + possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, + to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd + upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their + considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and + pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition <a name="Page_179" + id="Page_179"></a>taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might + chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be + subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends + and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with + the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and + severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.</p> + <p>But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly + astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with + her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to + shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an + inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received; + and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to + be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and + faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been + to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at + quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors + Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and + telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, <a + name="Page_180" id="Page_180"></a>some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by <i>leger + de main</i>: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible + quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in + order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again + alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then + finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her + husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating + her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in + good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.</p> + <p>All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of + the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so + much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again + with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited + to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the + further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as + matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.</p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate14.png"><img src="images/plate14_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 14" title="" /></a><br /> + 65<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a>The Fourth Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest.</i></h3> + <p>As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less + admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the + World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house + keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, + those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling + stars.</p> + <p>It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable multitude of + glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple + receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they + Lording over it.</p> + <p>You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to + your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron + Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out + to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble + Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an + object!<a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a></p> + <p>Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence + be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times + it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places + were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, + coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country + and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the + other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any + sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a + Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both + shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.</p> + <p>And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first + to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the + command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony + which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is + appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, + should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid + out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are + without end, name or number, and <a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a>it is + impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise + the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new + things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to + have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her + Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.</p> + <p>And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums, + according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and + an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that + belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility, + demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.</p> + <p>Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what + condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her + husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive + whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might + come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see + and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward + or gone backward in the World.</p> + <p>And what's more yet, it would be a great <a name="Page_184" + id="Page_184"></a>shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her + husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she + should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands + hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &c.</p> + <p>With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to + puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And + on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband + to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the + Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is + most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is + so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if + he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that + she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse + imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they + ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth, + the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the + Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and <a name="Page_185" + id="Page_185"></a>like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the + effect.</p> + <p>In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight, + in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a + difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get + Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife + seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable + suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or + other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the + stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own + pleasure.</p> + <p>And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so + circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for + all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the + Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in + his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she + goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as + possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it + is brought home by one or other of her trusty <a name="Page_186" + id="Page_186"></a>acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like + some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her + a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was + making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such + a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, + &c.</p> + <p>Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon + how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to + cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire + her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. + To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though + it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker + is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let + them see it.</p> + <p>In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and + hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be + sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of + necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left + to, by the decease of some friend, &c.<a name="Page_187" id="Page_187"></a></p> + <p>Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away + and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole + pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) + although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this + belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a + pain, patience is the best remedy.</p> + <p>But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young <i>Toby</i>, have + found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living + in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority; + but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom + of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife + wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your + family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.</p> + <p>And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the + Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the + consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that + to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and + pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, <a + name="Page_188" id="Page_188"></a>who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, + that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet + know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the + mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably + and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one + year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they + do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.</p> + <p>These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because + this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing + to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift + of the Cash.</p> + <p>But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and + pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such + casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too + late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before + its half finished are weary of it. Therefore</p> + <p class="ctr"><i>To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,<br /> + For many do repent, untill that they be dead;<br /> + But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,<br /> + A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee.</i></p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate15.png"><img src="images/plate15_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 15" title="" /></a><br /> + 60<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189"></a>The Fifth Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of + time is discovered</i>.</h3> + <p>Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht, + when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom + is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the + Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes + and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so + great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent + <i>Abigail</i>, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and + to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.</p> + <p>Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and + take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their + bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it. + Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to + their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a + laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no + labour <a name="Page_190" id="Page_190"></a>irksom, no morning too early, nor no + evening too late for them.</p> + <p>But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their + vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies + in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there + must, by every one in his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they + can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she + perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to + be.</p> + <p>If it be <i>Doctor of Physick</i>, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he + must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the + Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else + should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &c.</p> + <p>And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who + yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before + he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat + so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one + draught, to whip off a lusty glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the + Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, + it causes the better operation.<a name="Page_191" id="Page_191"></a></p> + <p>Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't, + what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a + guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his + Art so perfect in his Pate.</p> + <p>For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a + Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him + for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both + so Silver clean!</p> + <p>Turn you about now to the <i>Counsellors</i>, and see how their Studies are all on + Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth, + this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their + measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to + sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal + worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they + may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.</p> + <p>Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with + Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, + in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient + Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command <a name="Page_192" + id="Page_192"></a>freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the + Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their + concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase + a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this part may have the better + gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony, + which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some + body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment + received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only + taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by + the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing + Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.</p> + <p>By these the Foolwise <i>Notary's</i> for the most part join themselves; making + their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern, + about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of + Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge + who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence + then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a + Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two <a name="Page_193" + id="Page_193"></a>witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; + bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. + Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.</p> + <p>The like knowledge have also the <i>Merchants</i>, <i>Shop-keepers,</i> and others + who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable, + give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, + Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then + a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or + occasion for any such sort of businesses.</p> + <p>And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of + people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of <i>brave + Negotiants</i>, their principallest aim is to obtain the name of <i>great + News-mongers,</i> and that hath so much tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a + person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.</p> + <p>Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring + what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know + what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what + Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.</p> + <p>Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling <a name="Page_194" + id="Page_194"></a>and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made + ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of + all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only + tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.</p> + <p>These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time + by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the + taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, + or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most + remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike, + nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.</p> + <p>There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only + about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours + together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are + a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest + themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water + Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.</p> + <p>And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason that some + men, <a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a>in the Summer time, take their pleasure + most part of the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their + afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and Spaw-water. And + when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are early at the Strong-water + Shop; and in the evening late in the Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week + precisely, and that more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be + found at the Playhouses.</p> + <p>Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures in a Coach, + or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along the high ways, from one + Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and at every place where they see but a + conveniency to stable their Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an + infinite deal of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to + be chatting and chaffering with.</p> + <p>These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and Barges, who + with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all their occupations; nay, + although they were never so important, yet the very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows + not only all business out of their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops + and Counting-houses.</p> + <p>Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading + of their<a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a> Sails, hailing up their Spreet and + Leeboards, and all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home + they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the World, nay can + hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a gallant and pleasant day of weather, + would be a crime unpardonable.</p> + <p class="poem"><i>No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,<br /> + Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't.</i></p> + <p>Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the forenoon + precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the + week both morning and afternoon at their Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite + pleasure, hushing up their Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; + looking upon the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending + the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light + Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and + making so much provision for their young ones, that they let both their own young, + and the house-keeping, run to destruction.</p> + <p>But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon certain + penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the Cock-pit; and there, before + the Battel begins, consume two or three hours at Tables, and in<a name="Page_197" + id="Page_197"></a> Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend there the coming of + their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. Here then a view must be taken of + each others Cocks, which are forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart + in their Coops either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most + convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if they were + persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great valour. Not a word must be + spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. + Here Master Capon vaunts that his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag + of Sir John Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks + before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire Owls-eg, and claw'd + him off severely.</p> + <p>Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from + several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the Battel; hanging them up there in + ample form till it be their turns to fight. And there also you may behold Lord + Spendall brought thither in his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less + state; but seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of + Guinneys.</p> + <p>Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep alwaies six + and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of <a name="Page_198" + id="Page_198"></a>the Pit; never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his + ordinary dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs too, half + a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his reckoning in his pocket. But + if they both begin to appear with their Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear + Gentlemen, here comes the honour of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have + out of each Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a + Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the reckoning half a Crown + <i>extra</i> for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and chafing it by the fire, &c. + But for this, they have the honour also to be in the Chamber with the principallest + Gentlemen, to sit in the best places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like + prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements + touching the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations, + Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or heard of in the + principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.</p> + <p>It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a Niggard, should + carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part must be given and generously + spent with the company. This is the duty of every one, whose Cock hath beaten + anothers out of the Pit, and went away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter + <a name="Page_199" id="Page_199"></a>if it were all spent, its no such great peece of + business; the honours more worth then the mony.</p> + <p>In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with the Table + covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for the coming home of him, + who seems to find and take more pleasure in Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock + himself to enter into the Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure + of marriage on the mens side.</p> + <p>But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath more pleasure + then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the feeding, clipping, salving, + and anointing of them, &c. then ten good Nurses, and put them all together. And + moreover he hath all the pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and + tickle their fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the + more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the less.</p> + <p>And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies him down very + orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about the Curtains and Vallians + with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he did, for the same purpose, suck out all the + Cocks-Egshels, it would be a much more rare and pleasant sight.</p> + <p>There is yet another sort of men, which we <a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a>in + like manner find, that consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their + mony with Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with + Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their Dogs together, + and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony + must be set or stak'd down, though they hardly know how to find as much more again in + the whole World, and there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and + flesh in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the Wager be, + in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go themselves, and thump and + knock one another till they look more like beasts then men.</p> + <p>This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs at the Bear + Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be screw'd up to the highest, how + to get mony to make good their wagers; though Wife, House and Family should sink in + the mean while: Then away they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, + and then the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at her, + and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the belly with her horns, + and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is much laught at; but his Master, very + earnestly and tenderly, catching him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he + comes off <a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a>with little better success: Then his + Adversary lets loose his Dog at the Bull, who running close with his belly to the + ground, fastens under the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking + and roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie caps and + hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this most noble victory.</p> + <p>Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the Bearard having + brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns him about, so that he may see + the Dog, that's to play at him; the Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel + strong Cur rises up to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no + small joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then there's + pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the Adversary let's fly his + Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being furious and angry that he was so plagu'd + with the first Dog, claps his paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he + howls and runs; there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see + the stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no mony at + home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth him worst of all, is, + that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.</p> + <p>But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate the + Confession of <a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a>another sort of Men; who are + generally of a longing temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, + sometimes do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never so + damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:</p> + <p class="poem"><i>When Women long, it harms by chance,<br /> + But mens desire's a worser dance.</i></p> + <p>And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to Women-kind; in so + much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon day, say to their + Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, + half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a + multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted + neither beer nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd + persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate their longing + appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring + Caviart, with all their appurtenances. Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, + where they stand greedily swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves + time to send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.</p> + <p>If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some pleasure of + it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, <a name="Page_203" + id="Page_203"></a>that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily + satisfie their longing appetites.</p> + <p>Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to make use of + it in the company of women; although there be now a daies so much formality used with + it, and so much time idly spent in the consumption of it, that it seems almost as if + this herb were found out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the + occasion of an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have + intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons throughout the + whole City. And wo be to them that have the least symptom of a meazle upon their + tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are + the best News-Mongers for all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all + Kingdoms; and when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if they + had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes Courts; but + especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the Water be changed in to + Wine.</p> + <p>Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to know what + passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some hours, stand prating in + the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what news is there, what Pamphlets, what + Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; <a + name="Page_204" id="Page_204"></a>and then they must buy and read them, let it cost + what it will.</p> + <p>Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great prudence, + discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of the supreamest persons in + authority; and in their own imaginations know more then both the Houses of Lords and + Commons. Although they never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know + to the weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of the + three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which many times takes + such a deep root and impression upon them, and touches them so to the very heart, + that they absolutely forget the governing of their needfull affairs which they went + out about; for when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the + person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own business, that he + can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.</p> + <p>'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, observe not + these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves easily to be fopt off by + their husbands; or else by a gentle salutation are appeased; but others who are + cunninger in the cares of their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these + doings with eys of pleasure.</p> + <p>Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and <a name="Page_205" + id="Page_205"></a>is naught else but a kind of a scabbiness that the most + accomplishedst marriages are infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus + neglect their times, and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are + diligent in looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do come + home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.</p> + <p>But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, that it + seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans contradiction, thinking, + that all what ever they do, is absolutely perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the + contrary, when their Wives go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what + time they ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to the + nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, concerning Laces, + Cookery, and other houshold occasions.</p> + <p>But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two agree so + well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in taking care of their + charge. That your husband many times saith unto you his houswife, my Dear, it is a + curious fair day, go walk abroad, and give a visit to some or other of your good + acquaintance; I shall tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of + all things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again in like + manner, <a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a>upon a good occasion, releeve your + husband, and take delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his + pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.</p> + <p>If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes spend a + penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for you, because you know + that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and every fool must have one or t'other + bawble to play with.</p> + <p>You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the Tavern or + with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and Pembrooks Arcadia, did so + inchant you, that they forc't the mony out of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in + your Maiden estate with very good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may + therefore think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will have + somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they are busie with + that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis also undeniable, that men + cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their affairs; for verily if they be so, they are + for the most part great <i>Peep in the Pots</i> and directers of their Wives, who + have certainly their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and + greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the actions of her + husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of <a name="Page_207" + id="Page_207"></a>his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in + passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at night be so + earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.</p> + <p>'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of love, that a + woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if he keep no correspondence + with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and + waited upon, forsooth, to a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife + brings in the Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes + happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these smaller sort + of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition between man and wife, and + continually talk of new Taverns and Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they + alwaies know where there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, + as soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight, that we saw + you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the t'other, 'twas at the <i>Blew + Boar</i>, where I drunk the delicatest Wine that ever my lips tasted. You never + tasted the like on't. If I should live a thousand year, the tast would never be out + of my thoughts. Nay, if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of + those Grapes. Words cannot possibly<a name="Page_208" id="Page_208"></a> Decipher or + express the tast, though <i>Tully</i> himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk + of it, would make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither + immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that you will, as well + as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and away they go: But it is not long + before you see those roses blossoming in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and + colour a neat draught is taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the + t'other Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he tasted a + Glass in Master <i>Empty Vessels</i> Cellar that was far delicater, and that he would + far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he acknowledges this to be very good. But the + pint being out, the first word is, <i>Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other + pint of the same Wine.</i> And then they begin to find that the longer they drink, + the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good Wine. And this + pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, <i>All good things consist in + three:</i> so that we must have the t'other pint. Where upon the second saith, As + soon as this is out, we will go with the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean + Pints, to tast his and this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and + thus by the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that it is + impossible for them to depart from one <a name="Page_209" id="Page_209"></a>another, + because they every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a + few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally squencht; not only + drawing men mightily out of their business, but keeping them late out from their + families; and making them like incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence + proceeds, that when they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well + to their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl or chide + with.</p> + <p>To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter, Kings Arms, + and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they commonly make their bargains + for buying and selling of Goods and Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before + they have spent a large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences; + thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very subtlely upon + the catch to overreach another in a good and advantagious bargain; by which means + they themselves are somtimes catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown + commodity, that they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there + they stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and know not + which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have made; in this manner, + bringing their<a name="Page_210" id="Page_210"></a> Wives and Children (if they let + them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for nothing of + grumbling and mumbling.</p> + <p class="poem"><span class="i2"><i>Some sorts of men,</i></span> <span + class="i2"><i>Are Tyrants when,</i></span> <i>Their thirsty Souls are + fill'd:</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>They scold sore hot</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>Like</i> Peep + in th' Pot</span> <i>And never can be still'd.</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>They talk and prate</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>At such a + rate,</i></span> <i>And think of nought but evil;</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>They fight and brawl,</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>And Wives do + mawl,</i></span> <i>Though all run for the Divel.</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>But at their draugh,</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>They quaff + and laugh</i></span> <i>Amongst their fellow creatures.</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>They swear and tear</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>And never + fear</i></span> <i>Old</i> Nick <i>in his worst features.</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>Who would but say</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>Then, by the + way</i></span> <i>That Woman is distressed,</i><br /> + <span class="i2"><i>Who must indure</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>An + Epicure</i></span> <i>With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.</i></p> + <p>In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are hot-headed with + <a name="Page_211" id="Page_211"></a>multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the + bad examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there are that will + in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they were their companions, into a + Tavern without making any sort of difference; and also, when there is a necessity or + occasion for it, know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence + and respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over their + children.</p> + <p>Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen, and his + son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some important affairs; but seeing + that at every Inn where they came, that his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, + and that he must pay as deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full + share of all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in the + ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter, drink; And as he + recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself very diligently lost no time to + get his share; which continued so long that going out of the chamber for their + necessities, they both fell into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, + the son said, Father! are we not now like brothers?</p> + <p>By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples, may do. But + <a name="Page_212" id="Page_212"></a>you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear + this sort of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of excessive + drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent Taverns and Ale-houses; + and if he doth go once among good acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, + which is but seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but + he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the highest, or + those that make it their business, or spend their times in the Summer with going a + Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon which sort of Gentlemen this old rime + was made:</p> + <p class="poem"><i>Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,<br /> + Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing.</i></p> + <p>But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs; and for the + pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market, there buies a good joint of + meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready, and sits down and eats it with his beloved: + Then when he and you have very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or + three glas of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up stairs + into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for greater Pleasure then + this!</p> + <p><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213"></a>O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well + as your husband you can keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or + condition is there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly and + well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly once in a thousand + times that a match falls out so well. And although it did, yet it is not free from a + thousand crosses and dissatisfactions, which are done unto you either by children, + wicked friends, or somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they + were all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief and horror + in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it self. But one pound of the + hony of sweet love, can easily balance a hundred weight of that terrible and bitter + Wormwood.</p> + <p>But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young Gentlewomen, who + being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that doth not start back with a thousand + troublesom cogitations; and beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at + the least possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with some + what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel in his sences, + jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his companions; and that is more + then all these, keeps hid a certain imbecility <a name="Page_214" + id="Page_214"></a>in his defective nature; which is no waies to be discovered till + the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.</p> + <p>This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for marrying. + But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider, the weaknesses, strange + humors, and deficiences, that the most gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; + experience will teach us, that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one + Tree.</p> + <p>And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike natured meet + together; but if two of contrary humors happen together, there is nothing to be + expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction; unless it happen that the understanding + of the one knows extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes + letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may the prudentlier + sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the Haven of the Pleasures of + Marriage, whereas others on the contrary suffer most miserable Shipwrack.</p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate16.png"><img src="images/plate16_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 16" title="" /></a><br /> + 116<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215"></a>The Sixth Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel for the + unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured.</i></h3> + <p>Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it is none of + the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming that she will act the part + of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of + jesting, and presently bawl and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some + other ill name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now a + daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for farthings a peece, + there would be less spectators, then there was to see the Sheep with five legs, or + the great Crocodile.</p> + <p>Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect these + Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of the breeches, must be + understood that they are over Lorded, and that the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O + miserable man, if your head be possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be + removed! Verily, if you had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the + Breeches, you would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to + be <a name="Page_216" id="Page_216"></a>rid of them, if he could but get the lining + untorn or indamaged; for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of + those pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the better sort + of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the gaining of the Breeches, + wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were + all beaten out of fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put + them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this wonderfull and + destructive War would never have risen to that fury. Therefore it is no small + prudence of the Women in these daies, who are descended from that family, to take + care, at the very first, for the good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be + well preserved.</p> + <p>But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we consider the + husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not in the highest degree + necessary, that she should have also a part of the masculine knowledge and authority? + Besides, women must be silent in Politick and Church-government, why should not they + have somthing to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly, that + the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be going hither or thither + to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to smoke <a name="Page_217" + id="Page_217"></a>a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if + then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers in the Shop, + or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should not in some measure shew + that she had in part the Breeches on, and that she could in the absence of her + Captain, take care of his Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept + in order, and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as mention + that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so excessive careless, that + if they had not had the good fortunes to get notable sharp-witted young women to + their Wives; they of themselves would have been quickly out of breath, and might now + perhaps be found in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.</p> + <p>O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand, to defend and + protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and houskeeping; why should not you have as + great commendations given you, as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? + and who would not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront or + bespatter you?</p> + <p>I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that will be + relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken Nabal, he was well + instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and how little that he would <a + name="Page_218" id="Page_218"></a>obey or listen to the commands of so brave a + Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds or + provocatives they have given her for so doing.</p> + <p>Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad natured women, + as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, had alwaies a Lawfull excuse + or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was Socrates's wife, think that she had reason + enough on her side to scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured + Philosopher, and to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. + Or that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to govern that sage + and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no means, for then that hot-spirited, + and high minded sex would prick up their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy + would all these hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands, + as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would be cropt in + the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.</p> + <p>Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and all your + delight is to please each others fancy: you have no difference about the Supremacy; + for the Authority of the one is alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more + because your husband never commands you as if you were <a name="Page_219" + id="Page_219"></a>a Maid; but with the sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my + Dearest, will you bid the Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, + &c. Oh if you could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how + happily and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many times, that + the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and grow to be so free, that + they will be solely and totally Master; and if their husbands through + kind-heartedness have given them a little more then ordinary liberty, they will have + the last word in spight of fate.</p> + <p>So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first and + Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, thought her self wise + enough to govern all things, and to bring him to her Bow; which, by degrees, to his + great discontent, did more and more increase in matters of the housekeeping.</p> + <p>But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having bought a + delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be his guest; and going home + with it, his wife powts, maunders and mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw + well enough how welcome he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to + remove this, which was in some measure done.</p> + <p>But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a couple of + delicate Pullets, <a name="Page_220" id="Page_220"></a>and sends them home with a + Porter; but the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of + them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back again: The good + man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the cross-grainedness of his wife, sends + them to a Tavern to be made ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to + dispatch them, and dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when + he came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and must serve + her for a future example. And she on the contrary persisting in her stif-necked ill + nature, made a path-road for the ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, + to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the + breeches solely to his wife.</p> + <p>Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent handsom + Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured Gentleman; but the + Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a Doctor, acted the part of a + Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch + that all his sweet expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her + rage; yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. But he + seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and that she grew the longer + the more furious, <a name="Page_221" id="Page_221"></a>locks the dore to, and catches + her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open + a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the remaining part of that dance. Away she + flies immediately to her Father and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her + ill-natured obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the + intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce concluded on, which + did not long continue so. For she, beginning again her former wicked actions, made + him run to the Tavern there to allay his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the + Breeches. But now they are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.</p> + <p>Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good mild-natured + husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her authority and wickedness so + much the more over him; yea so far, that in the presence of several neighbors she + oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every + one <i>The incarnate Divel</i>. But he, after some years of suffering this martyrdom, + hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to cast himself away upon this + Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, + that he thunderd her three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then + flew Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and <a name="Page_222" + id="Page_222"></a>gingling along the flore, and she on the top of them, well and warm + covered with good thumps and fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the + hair of the head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who can + but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to feel the least + motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the more, because that we see that + this present World is so mightily replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked + and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered + locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will be + agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being married, they abandon + all rationality, make their own passions their masters, and cannot understand by any + means the pleasures of their husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily + experience, that there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon + the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind compliance of their + Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand wonders and is as yet the most + powerfull to drive all stuborn and ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and + can lead them, as it were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and + Love.</p> + <p>O happy Women, who, in this manner have <a name="Page_223" id="Page_223"></a>the + hearts of men in your hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; + what means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind actions to gain + the same on your side! you certainly know, that the main Butt which is aim'd at by + all mankind, is to pass through this short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: + But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath + hapned upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?</p> + <p>Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves to be led + away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or strangle themselves in + the curled locks of women; but would imbrace their kind naturedness to be the + surpassingest beauty.</p> + <p>But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of so many, + that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all + exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a pit of infinite horrors and + vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two + thousand pound, then a mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand + Vertues.</p> + <p>This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when he gave out + his commands that no Parents should give any portions with their Daughters in + marriage, or might leave them any thing for an inheritance; <a name="Page_224" + id="Page_224"></a>because he would not have them to be desired in marriage by any, + but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious remained, just as now + doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and cast aside, and every Maid was hereby + spur'd up, that her Vertues might in brightness and splendor surpass others.</p> + <p>Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts of Lycurgus, + have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is beautifull, rich, good + natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know her well, that you might the better + woe her, and so be happy in marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and + wandring Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of + marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast your selves upon + an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the Breeches already on, and will + vex you with all the torments imaginable in the World. Do but use these few remedies + for your squandered brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune + and tranquility.</p> + <div class="blkquot"> + <p>Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are + insulting, self-conceited, and proud.</p> + <p>Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine + themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.</p> + <p><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225"></a>Shun those who are much lesser then your + self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much + prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than + another indeavour to domineer over her husband.</p> + <p>Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.</p> + <p>Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently + considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.</p> + <p>Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not + given to the Gods themselves.</p> + <p>Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know + how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.</p> + <p>If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage + upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles + that that estate is subject to.</p> + </div> + <p>If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much + assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the + Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill + condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as + thought of, or expected from her.<a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a> Cornelius + Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives, + e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they + be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if they be + dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the + wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell + not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea + of repentances.</p> + <p>And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no + remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid + natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious + Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish + fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will + expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of + him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.</p> + <div class="blkquot"> + <p>Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.</p> + <p>Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family. + For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.<a + name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a></p> + <p>Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue + is the greatest Gentility.</p> + <p>Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are + of an evill reput.</p> + <p class="poem"><i>To be a lover of such houses,<br /> + Makes him to think of other Spouses</i>.</p> + <p>If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.</p> + <p>Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very + gain is loss.</p> + <p>Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for + nothing.</p> + <p>If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not + to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.</p> + </div> + <p>In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of + a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental + corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, + even as if they were a Looking-glass.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228"></a>The Seventh Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave housekeepers. + They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their Children.</i></h3> + <p>It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing flourished so + nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a whole drawer full of mony out + of the Counter in to the Counting-house; and then the good woman had alwaies two or + three hours work to sort it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but + it seems that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our dissatisfied + Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our Nativity, that there are very few + who have not now just causes enough to complain.</p> + <p>And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that + short time that you have been married, experience that things do not alwaies run upon + wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true you possess the Pleasure of an + indifferent Trade, as well as the rest of your Neighbours; but it is not in any + measure to be compared with those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they + could lay up so much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate17.png"><img src="images/plate17_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 17" title="" /></a><br /> + 135<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a>Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks + you are happier then they were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous + frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet there + was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul because it alwaies + yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is esteemed to be very nobly done, and + people take an absolute delight in it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much + together, that they may keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children + indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are imposed upon them. + In good truth, they that can do this now, are worthy of as much credit and + reputation, as those were that prospered much in former daies; and their Pleasure + ought not to be lesser then the others before was.</p> + <p>O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess now as + great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their plentifull daies. Verily, + your gain is comparatively better then theirs, because you are satisfied with so much + less; and by consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the + easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many knives behind + you that may cut your childrens throats.</p> + <p>Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you can hardly + tell <a name="Page_230" id="Page_230"></a>how to keep both ends together; then + comfort your selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your + marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as diligently search + after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and good Trading.</p> + <p>But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then increases; + because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad paiment; and where ever you + run or go to dun, you find no body at home, but return back to your house with empty + pockets. For there is Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in + their Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the Goods, which + they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration of a full year, are not yet + paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in + his Counting-house or at the Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so + much as to look upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.</p> + <p>Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of Exchange, and that + Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood + and Coals must be bought, the Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of + Butter, and provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several + other sorts of necessaries for the<a name="Page_231" id="Page_231"></a> Family that + will be wanting. Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of + concluding the year in Pleasure.</p> + <p>But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you live, you would + not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these affairs very joifully for + extraordinary Pleasures.</p> + <p>Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and have meant + with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things were to be done with + kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle fadles; but now you are come to a more + sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent + conduct that your Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about + your Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you are grown to + be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And great Juno laught, that Venus + hath so long hoodwink'd you.</p> + <p>Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but observe how + prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect and diligent you begin to be + that you may get through the World with honour, commendations, and good respect; how + like a care taking Father you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole + Family. Oh if your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this + your advancement; <a name="Page_232" id="Page_232"></a>which are indeed the upright + Pleasures of Marriage. For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along + with them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to the + World.</p> + <p>Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid great rent, + only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to consider with + understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less price would not serve as well, + in which you might have a Chamber or two that you could let out to some civil + Gentlemen, who might diet with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some + profit in besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to + Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work accordingly. And + moreover, you have good company of them in your house, and alwaies either one or + another at dinner begins to relate some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually + very pleasurable and delightfull to be heard.</p> + <p>Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath not been + these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased her fancy better: for now + her husband will have some pastime, and good company at home, so that he needs not go + to seek it in the evening in Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here + how one may learn <a name="Page_233" id="Page_233"></a>through honest Time and + Experience, what Pleasures they are accompanied with?</p> + <p>But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such guests, you'l see + how they will plague you; for the general imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that + all the monies they spend, is pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies + ought to provide such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be + never so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but they will + be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and that too much salt, + &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all what's in the house, must be at + their commands; nay be readier and nimbler to serve them then their Master and + Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and + table. It happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners after + them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more work with them alone, + then the whole house-keeping besides.</p> + <p>This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any thing of a + worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in the mornings to + Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; where they so disguise + themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest people who are in the Shop, or + standing upon the flore, that sees <a name="Page_234" id="Page_234"></a>them either + come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able to stand; besides they value + not if they tarry out late at nights; and, if it be possible, they will intice the + good man of the house to debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from + private chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.</p> + <p>But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the mother of all + things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is alwaies pleasure and delight + to be expected for the good man, because the good woman by this means increaseth to + more knowledge of housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent + mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.</p> + <p>Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and behold with + clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is advanced in understanding + and knowledge; I do assure you, you will find your self as ravisht with joy; because + this is as great a transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning + of your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of large Venetian + Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich + Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; + we see now, that all her sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save + and spare all things, and to take <a name="Page_235" id="Page_235"></a>care that + there may not so much as a match negligently be thrown away.</p> + <p>Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of knowledge, to + walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the streets, finically trickt up with + powdered locks, and a laced Gorget and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, + three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be + put to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of walking or + riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now on the contrary, seeing + the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage + for the family; without so much as setting one foot out of her House or Counter + unnecessarily. Never thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all + her delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and servants. + Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and setting her a spinning, to + keep the sleep out of her eys; and with this intent also that she may have the + delight to get yarn enough ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be + woven for the service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before + she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave houswife. And + that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough stoutly.<a name="Page_236" + id="Page_236"></a></p> + <p>O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so many Pleasures + of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in that most illustrious + School!</p> + <p>'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will say, is this + that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married! Is + this the Gentlewoman that used to go so costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now + with a plain wastcoat! alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, + is this the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make a shift + with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and her diet with doing the + house work? it must certainly ly very nastily and sluttishly at her house.</p> + <p>'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse the Sun of + your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O well matcht Couple, + through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten such prudent eys that you can + easily see through such vain and simple Clouds.</p> + <p>But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow comes out of + the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and suffer themselves daily to be + durrid; who are continually pratling with the Neighbors, and gadding along the + streets; they take notice of <a name="Page_237" id="Page_237"></a>every dore that + opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no understanding to govern it; the + dishes, pots and pans are alwaies standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches + and Stools are all covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the + Windows are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. Whose + first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by reason of these sad + times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their houskeeping. If we wash the glass + windows, they are in danger of breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any + losses. And these ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and + no body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are seldom to be + found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the occasion that their houses, + children and Maids stink of filth and sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the + elbous, and their stockins out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the + Alehouses, and seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the + sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that all is consumed, + and they both fly damnably in debt to their Creditors.</p> + <p>Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the unhappy state and + condition of these venomous controulers of others: And on the contrary, you may + perceive how <a name="Page_238" id="Page_238"></a>happy the bad times, like a prudent + Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and delight it imparts unto + you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys, + indeavor the maintenance and setting up of your Family. Be assured, that this care + and frugality will so root it self in your very bones, that although the times + changed and grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the + good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your children such riches + and good examples, that they will follow your footsteps of carefulness with delight, + and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good + extraction: which if it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst + Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.</p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate18.png"><img src="images/plate18_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 18" title="" /></a><br /> + 251<br /> + Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239"></a>The Eighth Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he hath no + mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a Scholler, commits much + mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a Schollerlike life is.</i></h3> + <p>Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is none of the + least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up healthfully and merrily; + and their stomacks in a morning are as soon open as their eys; then at noons they can + claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about + four of the clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion; + insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their teeth bleed. O it + is such a delight to see that they continually grow up so slovenly and wastfully in + their cloaths, that they must needs have every half year almost a new suit, and that + alwaies a little bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a + son to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her caretakester and + controulster of the Kitchin.</p> + <p>Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to another. O how + happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and courteous, and grow up in + obedience, and <a name="Page_240" id="Page_240"></a>according to your example! But we + see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own + wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.</p> + <p>Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; for having + been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or Merchant Tailors School; he is + then inveagled by some of the neighbors sons to go with them to learn the Italian or + French language; to which purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a + little way out of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such + a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the night for + it.</p> + <p>What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the necessity you have + for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient + occasions in the City; but what helps it, the fear of drawing the child from that + which he has so much a mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune + consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away he's sent + then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk furnisht, with all manner of + linnen and cloaths, with other toys and sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to + boot.</p> + <p>Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he wants. Which + is, with recommendations of being saving and <a name="Page_241" + id="Page_241"></a>diligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the + Parents, if they do but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight + and pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew him their + great love and affection.</p> + <p>But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no small + matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to so much charge, gets + what he pleases, and that their minds are never at rest about him. When she, on the + contrary, being at home, is thrust by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or + kept close to her needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some + such sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your + brother comes home he shall keep the shop.</p> + <p>This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great + Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks such good Latin and Italian, + and is so gentile in his behaviour: but to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say + what they will, talk is but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University + either of Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein yeelds + and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means resolve to it; for her + main aim was, that her son should be brought up in the shop; because that in the <a + name="Page_242" id="Page_242"></a>absence, or by decease of her husband, he might + then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is yet fresh in her memory, that + when her Brother studied at Oxford, what a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what + complaints there come of his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was + hardly a month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the City + must have one or other penalty paid them.</p> + <p>Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less melody then + the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he can meet with to get out of + the shop; and shew himself, with all diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the + Tennis Court, or at the Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in + the evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a pleasure this + vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have experience know best. + Especially when they in the morning call their son to confession, and between Anger + and Love catechize him with severall natural and kind reproofs.</p> + <p>'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. What remedy? + turn it, and wind it so as you will.</p> + <p class="poem"><i>The son his mind to study is full bent,<br /> + Or else will live upon his yearly rent.</i></p> + <p>Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. Here also the + <a name="Page_243" id="Page_243"></a>imaginations of incapableness or want of monies + must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready + way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running + after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools + are too damn'd costly. So that now the Parents have true experience of the old + Proverb.</p> + <p class="poem"><i>The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,<br /> + Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart.</i></p> + <p>Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of + him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and there to let him study Theology + being the modestest Faculty, by one of the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And + verily, he goes forward so nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the + needfull Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And moreover, the + Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately he was acting the domineering + student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but + through the extraordinary intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they + privately let him go out again.</p> + <p>A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning letters; his + quarter of <a name="Page_244" id="Page_244"></a>the years out, his Pockets empty, and + the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both + of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially, + if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for + those necessaries.</p> + <p>For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in + mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and + all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at + Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his + Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for + his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.</p> + <p>But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your + son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard, + he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who + sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are + worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry + together.</p> + <p>Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his + best Authors; and sets in place of them some<a name="Page_245" id="Page_245"></a> + Blocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that + will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry + to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a + Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, + stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:</p> + <p class="poem"><i>Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,<br /> + One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book.</i></p> + <p>The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it + is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility + of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when + they see that their son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the + more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that + there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and + amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this + very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the + Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there + will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things as <a + name="Page_246" id="Page_246"></a>those are generally moderated and assopiated by the + means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.</p> + <p>This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly + loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use + of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let + them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek + by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.</p> + <p>As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how + debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was + lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small + fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser + misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.</p> + <p>Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who + for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting + up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their + purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to + expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built + a new house, caused it, by a curious<a name="Page_247" id="Page_247"></a> Workman, to + be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good + quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had + been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to + be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have + taken too little mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus + bepainted my delicately painted house.</p> + <p>But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into + those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who + were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled + their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. + Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the + Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner, + Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four + apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.</p> + <p>Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as + moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades + wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick, <i>viz.</i><a name="Page_248" + id="Page_248"></a> Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of + them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where + he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and + then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from + each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of + them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that there was the + spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in + somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one + was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of + their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, + till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master + Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man, + having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six + Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the + throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in + his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his + mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths, + there <a name="Page_249" id="Page_249"></a>cheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of + these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling + mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I + had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body + else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders; + saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so + amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; + whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The + Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received + them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was + not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to + the Student.</p> + <p>By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true, + <i>Poverty is subtle</i>. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who + had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and + knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about + five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him + that his Brother was very desperately <a name="Page_250" id="Page_250"></a>sick, + oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he + must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &c.</p> + <p>Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into + the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he + rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and + wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a + Chamber, away they went without paying.</p> + <p>To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house, + two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.</p> + <p>'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit + such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended. + When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that + were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my + neighbors Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off these + planks, tear up this Post, &c.</p> + <p>In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this + commander, that he would be pleased to <a name="Page_251" id="Page_251"></a>bestow + upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor, + that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a + lusty load upon his Wagon.</p> + <p>Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a + lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they + were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, + but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, + &c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to + arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his + triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon + which must be written in great white Letters.</p> + <p class="ctr"><i>Garden-Theef.</i></p> + <p>These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split, + to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for + his winter firing.</p> + <p>Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy + rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or + Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore, <a + name="Page_252" id="Page_252"></a>where there was none; and leaning all of them over + the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the + Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to + breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.</p> + <p>Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country + Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or + another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in + themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and + disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they + go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and + then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, + &c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should + relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat + or carry away.</p> + <p>And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or + Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the + Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the + Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.</p> + <p><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253"></a>It hapned lately, that some Students walking + out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an + indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The + Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will + not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord + from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their + way.</p> + <p>Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew + high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his + strength failing him, he was with a furious blast snatcht up by the Kite from the + ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor + innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.</p> + <p>It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and + wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular, + are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether + unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.</p> + <p>Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, nobly + to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then + again to be treated by them: where there is an absolute <a name="Page_254" + id="Page_254"></a>agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their + Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they + generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords + drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. + Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he + that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or + else flies his Country, to save it.</p> + <p>Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with + their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and + Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close with whole bumpers of Sack and old + Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very + Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to + be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity + of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.</p> + <p>Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses; + of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of + body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.</p> + <p><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255"></a>Some there are that oftentimes so deeply + ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her + examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for + promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own, + there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so + neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their + house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know + infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.</p> + <p>Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to + gather and scrape all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the + onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. + And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor + saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those + natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.</p> + <p>But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their wills. Which + oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long time in Divinity, they + finally turn to be some Inns of Court Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students + life, might in any other vocation, be cast in their teeth.</p> + <p>Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the <a name="Page_256" + id="Page_256"></a>very first they behave themselves modestly, and advance so + gallantly in their Studies, that it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit + for themselves. But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with + commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but fastidious, unless + their Parents can leave or give them some considerable means; or that they through + their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in + to a rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage or + Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means will hardly + maintain them.</p> + <p>If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs away before + he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he hath not the good fortune to + get the two or three first causes for his Clients; and in the other, not to make + satisfactory cures of his first Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been + for the Parents if their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and + been obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!</p> + <p>But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; yet we + perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason that the children + through a contrary drift, many times disturb their Parents night rest; especially + when there are such kind of<a name="Page_257" id="Page_257"></a> Maids in the house, + that will listen to their humors and fancies.</p> + <p>These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the full; and + do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and have no occasion to look + out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice + the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on + their side. To that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves, + curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece of fine Lawn, or + Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over shadowed then covered, and may + the better allure the weak eys of the beholders.</p> + <p>These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City Maid, as well + as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener Swords, or stronger steels to + penetrate through the hearts of men, then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind + behaviour of women.</p> + <p>This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination towards her, + then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and indifferent fortune; nay it + transports him so, that they finally make use of one bed; and the son (much + unexpected by the Parents) is come to be Father himself. But what an inestimable + Pleasure of Marriage this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may + judge.<a name="Page_258" id="Page_258"></a> Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, + that the Prentice lay with his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; + and the Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means marry + with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the Parents, that it might + be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than Pleasures of Marriage. So that we + see, although the Children be at home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain + under their view and tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be + expected, occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings up + children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that it would be + infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the Confessions. Therefore we + will pass by these (as if we were running a horse-race), and to shorten our journy, + return again to our well married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.</p> + <p>You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks and actions + that children will play. If yours act then the part of a liberal Son, or wanton + Student, rejoice therein that you have not brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but + since his Doctor saith that he is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but + that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see + him to be a great man.</p> + <p><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259"></a>For it hath many times hapned, that those who + have been the maddest and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to + be noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we could relate + unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the revealing of that Confession + would not be ill taken.</p> + <p>Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession of the + Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the contention of a + cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your Children, nor with their + fore-children, or Children of the second bed. For whatsoever happens to you now, + comes from a Web of your own spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all + infirmities; because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the + Pleasures of Marriage.</p> + <hr /> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate19.png"><img src="images/plate19_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 19" title="" /></a><br /> + 181<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <h2>The Ninth Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>Of base conditioned Maid-servants.</i></h3> + <p>'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children take such + lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; the sons acting the parts + of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and the Daughters of light Punks; as long as + these things remain so, they appear to be but very sober Pleasures <a name="Page_260" + id="Page_260"></a>of Marriage. But when we perceive, that these thorns being past, + the pleasant roses appear, and that these light hearted Students finally come to be + gallant Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest Pleasure + of Marriage that ever could be expected.</p> + <p>So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and airy; that + somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or rather be merry of an + evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow to be altogether mannish minded; you + must then conclude these are natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to + your expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a Prentice, + whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush Jacketted or gilt Midas; + then make your selves joyfull in the several examples that you have of others, who + being so married, have proved to be the best Matches; of which examples + multiplicities are at large prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that + you do herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.</p> + <p>But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which house-keeping + people have not only from children, but from base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, + and ill-tongued servants; done unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the + foolish and stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his<a + name="Page_261" id="Page_261"></a> Base Viol and singing of musick, and their + Mistriss the playing upon the Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and + Orfeus to charm all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then + it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due obedience.</p> + <p>Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have gotten a kind + natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; immediately practice, by all means + possible, to rule and domineer over her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders + or commands, she knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to + order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say, + <i>Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and that so</i>.</p> + <p>And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this some times; + they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again as their Mistriss; and + dare, when they come among their tailing Gossips, brag that they can bend their + Mistriss to their Bow; and if their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when + it pleases them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with the + simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.</p> + <p>But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a service + where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks <a name="Page_262" + id="Page_262"></a>sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then + she's damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will not + understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her hair-brain'd manner, + and gets this to an answer, <i>Jane, do it as I command you, then it is well, though + it were ill done. Let your Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next + time you must hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c.</i></p> + <p>How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no sooner gets out, + but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out servants; where she makes no smal + complaint of her Mistresses insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a + hire for her by some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the + ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves Children, &c. + Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her Aunt was very sick and lay a + dying, and that she must go thither, &c.</p> + <p>Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means to earn + double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with + another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to turn and wind it about every way to + rid her self of the one, and then to recommend another in the place. Though it be + mighty inconvenient for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may <a + name="Page_263" id="Page_263"></a>be near her lying-in, or some other pressing + necessity, &c.</p> + <p>Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a Widower, and can + order and govern all things now according to her own mind; where she hath not the + name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all + her ill conditions, and watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very + cleanly and neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good humour, + and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves Children so well that + she would be helping to get one her self. To which purpose she useth all inventions + imaginable, running too and again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised + up; or comes to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side + with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with the key in his + Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with a short Coat on, stoops down + very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; + or climbs up a ladder to rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner + of inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master have any + flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare him. For this hapned to + her fellow Creature who having dwelt some indifferent time with <a name="Page_264" + id="Page_264"></a>a Widower, he came home one evening pretty merry, and jestingly + talked to her about her sweetheart; <i>See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you + come to marry, I will give you this bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to + it.</i> Whereupon the Maid answered, <i>Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly + belongs to it, I must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it.</i> The + answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon + the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite of all his relations, he made + his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked, + cross-graind humors, that she had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of + both their ruines.</p> + <p>But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view what kind of + a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with her new Maid; for Goody + Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very honest, vertuous Maid, of a good + family, and gave her self security for her fidelity.</p> + <p>Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss perceives that + she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the better certainty, the + Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a glass that was very clean rinsed; which + she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at + it; yet before she sent her the <a name="Page_265" id="Page_265"></a>second time, she + takes a trencher and holds it over the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her + finger rubs that soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, + as she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the Mistriss then + perceived that the round circle of the glass was impressed upon both sides of her + mouth and upon her forehead. Who can abstain themselves from laughter, when they see + such a marked sheep come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in + three daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more mirth + will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup to be jolly! You + have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody Busie-body vaunted of. For the future + she may very well say, that she is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows + but she may get an Angel a year the more wages for it.</p> + <p>But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other causes her to + enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to go to Church in th'afternoon, + tarries out till seven of the clock in the evening, tho she knows there are friends + invited to supper, the children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; + neither is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other may + attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should <a name="Page_266" + id="Page_266"></a>go on Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after + Sermon I should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good + opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.</p> + <p>She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that she has a + great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to retort ten cross words for + one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had been talking with Mistriss Sayall the + Cupster, who had Cupt her but the Sunday before, and then told her that she could + observe out of her physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible + signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would not be + above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same time Dorothy and Margery, + whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner prognosticated what was befallen them. These + did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small + wages, and that her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least + fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and Fairing.</p> + <p>Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody, + seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow + the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them + cross-grain'd; and keep <a name="Page_267" id="Page_267"></a>both of them a school + for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in; + yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but + do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies + fire in one hand and water in the t'other.</p> + <p>These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, with meat + and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries; keeping alwaies a fair + correspondence with the theevish Maids, which know many tricks and waies how to + convey it unto them; and scold and brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink + they thus idly and basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to + recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own houses serve as an + Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as precise at their hours, as a + Merchant doth at Change-time.</p> + <p>This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they cannot get + leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they do not bargain for it when + they hire themselves: though there are some that are not ashamed, (who dare not so + openly confess this) to bargain that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they + were extraordinary devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their + gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker,<a name="Page_268" id="Page_268"></a> Shoomaker, + Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to + satisfie their fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and + wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their husbands, beaten like + Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what delight they have, in being curried + with this sort of five-tooth'd Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs + they sing.</p> + <p>These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long aimed, and + so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their fingers at that which they + have many times thrown away upon the Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times + into deplorable poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable + people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable and terrible to + be related.</p> + <p>By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of people have + upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and actions of such Rubbish, were to + no other purpose then to foul a vast quantity of paper with a deal of trash and + trumpery. For many are damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy + Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, + lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, Stinking<a + name="Page_269" id="Page_269"></a> Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish + Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have + come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the + disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a + Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.</p> + <p>This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after t'other out + of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in again. And is also ashamed + that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil + nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them + by a tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times observe how + wickedly they are plagued with their own.</p> + <p>O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a conclusion, if we + should set all things down according to their worth and value! Certainly every one + would, to that purpose, want a Clark in their own Family.</p> + <hr /> + <h2><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270"></a>The Tenth Pleasure.</h2> + <h3><i>An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous. And the + Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be divorced.</i></h3> + <p>As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people; and + congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on the contrary, we + many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable + housekeeping and Children, it occasions and raises a coolness in the affections; + insomuch that it disquiets their rest, and they consume the whole night many times + with flying fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of + Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the emptness of + their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too much impedes them. And their + yearly rents are so small and uncertain, that there runs away many times more in + reparations and taxations annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions + disquiet. From this it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a + wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble and mumble, + then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship: for an empty purse, makes a + sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they + begin to observe that there is no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it + hath some kind of imperficiency.</p> + <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate20.png"><img src="images/plate20_th.jpg" + alt="Plate 20" title="" /></a><br /> + 197<br /> + Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p> + <p><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271"></a>This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a + Tavern, with good company, be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be + supplied: And the woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling + and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless when John the + cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the Bookkeeper with the + Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else credit and respect ly at the stake. + This requires a great deal of prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the + other.</p> + <p>The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And for that + reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But because this can be of + no long continuance, some do measure their business smaller out at first, and dwell + at a lesser rent, hire out their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of + some movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great trust; nay + sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the commodities whereof are of a + quicker consumption. And if this happen to people that are not so perfectly well + match'd, as our self-same-minded couple, and that the husband <a name="Page_272" + id="Page_272"></a>hath been a frequenter of company, you shall then seldom see that + the husband and the Wife are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be + for trading in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied; and + the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such like Wares as she + knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks but sadly (although it + oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do contend about this. Nevertheless some + men, because they imagine to have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way + of discourse with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, chide + and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars then mends the + matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is such a costly Jewell, that it + seldom can be valued.</p> + <p>Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know how, with + affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible words can admonish them + what is best and fittest to be done; and rather to extoll those graces which are + found in them, than to reprove their deficiencies: According to the instructions of + the prudent Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish their + wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.</p> + <p>But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their brains, seek it + in a contrary <a name="Page_273" id="Page_273"></a>place, and where the Bank is + lowest, the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. For if he + be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his servants and other people to + check, curb, and controul his wife lustily; and when they are in private together, + reprehends her so bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of + honest people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut many + times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds thereupon a foundation + of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, which he privately twits her in the teeth + with; though in publick he is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because + then he would be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl, + scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon his Wife and all + the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of them knowing the least reason in + the World for it.</p> + <p>In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his wife; for to + see that which he never will see; and at which he is so divellishly possessed to have + a wicked revenge; nay which he also never can see though he had a whole boxfull of + spectacles upon his nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least + reason for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation of + implacable hatred.</p> + <p><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274"></a>Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted + and merry humoured, it is a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, + and every way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a + jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, then for an + honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in his absence she dare not in + the least speak to any one, and in his presence hardly look upon any body. This is + known to those, who have had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family + where this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.</p> + <p>'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such Loggerheads many + times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill doings, that the Woman, who + before never thought of jealousie, now begins to grow jealous her self. For she, + considering that her husband is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and + ill-natured; and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides, + that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much from those of + former times, and especially from them of the first year; cannot imagine that the + small gain and the bad times are the occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there + is some other fine Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led + away by some or other charming Punk.</p> + <p><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275"></a>And it is no wonder, because coming home + lately he said, that somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he + had just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before came home + without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had taken it from him in the + streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he related not long since, that he had been, + out of jest, one evening, with three or four others, in six of the most vile and + wickedest Bawdy houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom + there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to suspect his evil + doings, then he hath of hers.</p> + <p>And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, imagineth that + she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, the daily grumbling and + mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his coming home late at nights, his cool + kindness, besides all the rest, seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the + Pleasure of Marriage is so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of + the Sun, and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear + again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, that it is + generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the Wife, to vindicate her + innocency, lets fly at him again with such a shrill note, as if she had gone to + school to learn it in Drury<a name="Page_276" id="Page_276"></a> Lane, or Turnball + street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is not sent for to cure this + Woman of her bad tongue.</p> + <p>Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in these two + darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with jealousie, if you see that + another obtains access to your Mistriss; or who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once + kiss the knocker of the dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber + Window: Look sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it + be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd + your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the love you had for her; and on your + Grave, bear this Epitaph, that through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. + These married Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together, + because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth such evill + fruits.</p> + <p>Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the Athenians, prudent + Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united and pacified! For the Athenians + had constituted a certain sort of superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the + married people; whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; + and to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each other. In <a + name="Page_277" id="Page_277"></a>like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where + scolding married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in better + tranquility.</p> + <p>But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all the means + and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then reunited; to that end + solliciting both the Majestical and Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a + thousand sad reasons by each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the + greatest reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples, + wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble; especially, if + they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and reputation, who have procreated + severall children together. For this jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers + as well among people of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be + some which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and suffer it not + to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is impossible to hide this unkindness + from the eys of them that are in the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the + sister who dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this + unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to be set down in + the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read all the twenty Pleasures of + Marriage through and through, and finds by the example of her<a name="Page_278" + id="Page_278"></a> Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a Fish, never at + rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, where she knows that she never can + get out again: According to these following Verses, which she hath sung so many + times:</p> + <p class="poem"><i>You may in sea lanch when you will,</i> <span class="i2"><i>To see + the boistrous Main,</i></span> <i>Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,</i> + <span class="i2"><i>Fore you return again.</i></span> <i>The married state, is much + like this,</i> <span class="i2"><i>O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,</i></span> <i>Yet + must be born, see how it is,</i> <span class="i2"><i>With tauntings, toils, and + losses.</i></span></p> + <p>But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors, just as her + Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses; for since the flesh is + almost come to the very bone, all his designs and indeavours seem to bend now to the + being separated from Bed and Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather + see it done by death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for + a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it might lightly + happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of his jealousie.</p> + <p>And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between him and his + Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that <a name="Page_279" + id="Page_279"></a>those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by + death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation, have just + remained alive.</p> + <p>Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent + Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an operation of + all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And that they first learnt to + know their own deficiences perfectly, that they might the better excuse those of + their Adversary.</p> + <p>O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a Looking-glass for all + others, live together in love, pleasure and tranquility, and have banished that + monstrous beast jealousie out of their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to + live long together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might + inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their second-selves. These do + recommend marriage in the highest degree to the whole World, as the noblest state and + condition; and despise the folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that + they have more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever had; + who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the married estate to be the + best and commendablest though some of them were married to women, who notably bore + the sway.</p> + <p><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280"></a>We may very well then contemn the chattering + of Epicurus that pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give + himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief, trouble, and + misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary, that the Wise men long to be in + it, and that the Sun of understanding appears more gloriously in them, when it is + nourisht and inlivened by marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our + well-married Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought + to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a second-self, that they + would never desire to part with. And for the exhortation of every one to this, I will + break off and conclude with that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and + Philosopher Marcus Aurelius: saying, <i>Because the life of Man cannot remain without + Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise, and teach the simple, + that they should shun ill-natured Women as much as the Plague: for I say, that all + the venemous Creatures in the World, have not so much poison spread or contained in + their whole bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue</i>.</p> + <h4>The End of the Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h4> + + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13872 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13872-h/images/b.png b/13872-h/images/b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..767495b --- /dev/null +++ b/13872-h/images/b.png diff --git a/13872-h/images/chap-end.png b/13872-h/images/chap-end.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 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