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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13872 ***
+
+[Illustration: THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE
+                  Printed at London 1682
+               Published by the Navarre Society London]
+
+
+
+
+
+                            THE TEN PLEASURES OF
+                                   MARRIAGE
+
+                             AND THE SECOND PART
+
+                            THE CONFESSION OF THE
+                              NEW MARRIED COUPLE
+
+                                 ATTRIBUTED TO
+
+                                   APHRA BEHN
+
+                       _REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION_
+
+                                      BY
+
+                                  JOHN HARVEY
+
+                         AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES
+
+                            AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES
+
+                                  RE-ENGRAVED
+
+                                LONDON: MCMXXII
+
+                _PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED_
+
+
+                          _Printed in Great Britain_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+The Restoration brought back to England something more than a king and
+the theatre. It renewed in English life the robust vitality of humour
+which had been repressed under the Commonwealth--though, in spite of
+repression, there were, even among the Puritan divines, men like the
+author of _Joanereidos_, whose self-expression ran the whole gamut
+from freedom to licentiousness.
+
+It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be
+vividly concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the
+chronicler of _The Ten Pleasures of Marriage_ revives the opprobrious
+term for a tailor--"pricklouse": the whole history of the English
+woollen industry and of the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic
+architecture is in the nickname. Or a single phrase can light up an
+idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is running
+up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests
+itself sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux
+metagrobolized Rabelais into something almost more tumescent and
+overwhelming than the original. In that vein of humour the present
+work frequently runs. The author is as ready to pile up his epithets
+as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he says, "for then you'll have
+an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler,
+less than you had before."
+
+It is, in fact, as an example of English humour--exaggerated, no
+doubt, by the reaction from Puritanism--that _The Ten Pleasures of
+Marriage_ should be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it
+is of uncertain parentage and must own to foreign kin. A well-known
+but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally rare book is Antoine de
+la Salle's _Quinze Joies de Mariage_. It seems possible that this was
+translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which _The Ten
+Pleasures_ was published--1682-1683--the following work was registered
+at Stationers' Hall: _The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts
+of matrimony, being in requital of the late fifteen_ sham _comforts_.
+Moreover, _The Ten Pleasures_ was in all probability printed
+abroad--Hazlitt thinks at The Hague or Amsterdam. The very first page
+in the original edition contains one of several hints of Batavian
+production--"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious allusion to
+the great French poet, Clément Marot, may also suggest a temporary
+foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known
+to English readers in the seventeenth century, the exact reference of
+the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on the
+fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem
+_Colloque de l'abbé et de la femme sçavante_; and Marot certainly
+wrote about women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure
+in English literary allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact
+suggests at least familiarity with the literature of other countries.
+
+But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in
+general and in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as
+it was in the days before our grandfathers decided that the human body
+was an obscene thing and its functions deplorable. It has the
+middle-class love of good food--Colchester oysters (famous then as
+now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges,
+comfits, pancakes--enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid
+English furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians"
+(valences), "daslles" (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush
+chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the fuss of preparation for
+childbirth--the accumulations of wrappings, the obstetric furniture,
+the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic ancestors
+of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig--why, the haste to fetch the
+midwife at the crisis might almost be the foundation upon which
+Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff, Esq., to Kingsgate Street,
+High Holborn.
+
+It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average
+fairly prosperous English life--the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the
+sea-captain's. The author clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew
+that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had to be fully written up for
+scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts. (But the
+pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of
+business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief
+description of his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to
+some extent, has a certain life in it, as if the writer, embittered,
+was recalling his own youthful experience.) He knew, too, what to-day
+we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a merchant's
+business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the
+actual supply of material--"what commodities are arrived or expected,"
+and whether tea is up ½d. or tin ¾d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The
+commercial world changes only its methods of communication and
+expression.
+
+The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary
+interest. From the literary point of view, it is a near
+descendant--collateral, if not direct, and anyhow based on the same
+English empirical humour of life--of Thomas Overbury's _A Wife_
+(1614--only one unique copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's
+_Microcosmographie_ (1628), in prose, and Thomas Bastard's
+_Chrestoleros_* (1598), in verse. It is an early instance of the
+stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material
+previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is
+directly in the succession which in the end produced what is perhaps
+the most enduring and individual phenomenon in our literature--the
+English novel.
+
+  * A copy of the very rare first edition fetched £155 at the
+  Britwell sale in February 1922.
+
+Of course the book says things we do not say now openly--though the
+traditional _corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum_ which almost all men
+and even some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from
+generation to generation, solely by word of mouth, and flickers now
+and again in _The Ten Pleasures_. But they were said openly then, and
+by great writers. There is nothing here so nauseatingly indecent as
+the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev. the Dean
+of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are
+bawdy words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the
+Summoner or Tom Jones might have used--less, on the whole. There is no
+need, to borrow a phrase from the book's sequel, to "make use of the
+gesture of casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls
+will solace their spirits with a little laughter, and never busy their
+brains with the subversion of Church and State government."
+
+Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in
+his pages like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house
+for the Puritans, not even, apparently, in the bringing up of his
+child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth"
+must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no
+_Catechizing of Families_--a discourse published by Richard Baxter in
+this very year 1683; and the only _Compassionate Counsel_--a Baxter
+pamphlet of 1681--he is likely to offer to young men is to take life
+lightly, as his hero does, and above all, not to marry.
+
+For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is
+less well sustained in the sequel, _The Confession of the New Married
+Couple_, and dropped altogether in the bitter _Letter_ at the end of
+_The Ten Pleasures_). It is a savage attack upon women--upon (to quote
+a Rabelaisian sentence) "the quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud,
+opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of the female sex."
+Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots and
+Shoes, etc., for we find both Merchants and money ready always to buy
+those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for one of his
+implications is that women can easily be bought. But he--if it is a
+"he"--is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully--what
+are they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well:
+here are the pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a
+match--and look at all the worry of the settlement, in which, by the
+way, you may often be defrauded. You will get married--a fine
+ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of the
+neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the
+occasion. You get married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your
+wife, who will indulge your wishes or not as suits her mood. Your
+house will be all awry if she has but a slight headache. When the baby
+comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen and
+medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father
+added to the discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your
+wife will know how "to cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay
+lady of Covent Garden. And so on.
+
+Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression
+if not in thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of
+English middle-class life under James II. that the importance of the
+book lies. Here is the domestic side of what the great diarists and
+the great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records,
+those treasuries of private appearances in public, chronicle with the
+severity of judgment. You have the young couple going (alas that the
+river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved farther up its own
+course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and Southwark
+echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at
+Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre
+on Bankside, for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter
+preached. Or they might go into Kent and pick fruit, even as
+"beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for its cider and perry,
+the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only for
+an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the
+streets gay with signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but
+taverns wear to-day--the sign of the _Silkworm_ or the _Sheep_, or
+that fantastic schoolmaster's emblem, the _Troubled Pate_ with a crown
+upon it. And when they stopped for rest at the sign of a bush upon a
+pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef, the
+neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high
+and crops poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom,
+and fruits of war. If the impositions and taxes run high, the country
+farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must
+be given, or else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long
+ago as 1682?
+
+As a _genre_ work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The
+gradual social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop
+into stagnation under the first Georges, caused didactic works, guides
+to manners, housewifery and sport, society handbooks, to proliferate.
+_The Ten Pleasures_ mentions some standard works, which every good
+housewife would probably possess--Nicholas Culpepper's medical
+handbooks, for instance, and _The Complete Cook_, which indeed, as
+part of _The Queen's Closet Opened_, had reappeared in its natal year
+1682-1683. The same year saw the birth of such works as _The Complete
+Courtier_, _The Complete Compting House_, _The Gentleman Jockey_, _The
+Accomplished Ladies' Delight._ Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in
+readiness for the complacent century about to open. It was also being
+explored, not only in such works as _The Ten Pleasures_ and _The
+Woman's Advocate_, but in others (entered as published, but in many
+cases not known to be now extant) like _The Wonders of the Female
+World_, _The Swaggering Damsel_, or _Several New Curtain Lectures_,
+and _Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious
+dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice_--all
+produced in that same _annus mirabilis_ of outspoken domesticity.
+
+_The Ten Pleasures_, apart from its intrinsic interest, is
+exceptionally important from a book-collector's point of view. It is
+of the utmost rarity. There is no copy in the British Museum and none
+in the Cambridge University Library. In fact, there are only two
+copies known of the whole work--one in the Bodleian (wanting one
+plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth
+Collection had a copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies
+contain the second part--_The Confession_--and evidently the two
+parts, though they have separate title pages, and were published at
+different times, were intended to form a complete work.
+
+Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page.
+A. Marsh cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers'
+Registers for the period. It may be that Marsh thought it too
+licentious for registration (an improbable supposition), and so, as
+Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad.
+
+But the initials A.B. at the end of the _Letter_ in the first part may
+be a clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they
+are those of Aphra or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first
+woman to earn her living by her pen. It is true that she was, so to
+speak, a feminist: the preface and epilogue to her _Sir Patient
+Fancy_ speak bitterly of those who would not go to her plays because
+they were by a woman. On the other hand, she had a free pen, to say
+the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch
+associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She
+had herself been on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated
+a Dutch book on oracles. If the book was printed in Holland, she of
+all people could get the work done. And she knew the city of London
+intimately.
+
+There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in _Sir
+Patient Fancy_, which recall touches in _The Ten Pleasures_. She
+introduces a Padua doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her
+plays, a curious interest in medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir
+Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is swelling up like the "pipsy"
+husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping begins to be as
+ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their
+mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of
+mankind." It is not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered
+moment this singular woman threw herself with malicious joy into an
+attack on her own sex.
+
+"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric
+deservedly lives. If she wrote _The Ten Pleasures_, the sort of love
+she describes in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet
+if we want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart
+from the curious interest of its rarity, _The Ten Pleasures_ is a
+sturdy piece of human nature.
+
+JOHN HARVEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+PUBLISHER'S PREFACE
+
+
+"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to
+the Romance of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted
+by the Navarre Society, is surely proof most positive. The original is
+a small thick volume; it bears the imprint "London, Printed in the
+year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that copy lay
+unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's
+shop.
+
+Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the
+manners of the commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague,
+who wondered why he did not know it. After purchasing it he found the
+reason why--the Bodleian Library alone possessed a copy of the work
+(imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only) appeared in the
+last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present
+text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above.
+
+The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book,
+which presents pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play
+which Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have
+written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if
+so, it may well be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to
+England foundered in the North Sea, or was sunk by enemy craft. There
+can be no doubt that such a work would not have escaped the wits of
+the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention would
+have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other
+so likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself.
+
+It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time
+permit, with a Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the
+industrious and sometimes brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which
+the Navarre Society believe to be well grounded. They hope that the
+issue of the book to their subscribers may help to confirm or refute
+that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex.
+Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so
+vividly representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued
+from the obscurity to which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it
+and worthily preserved for scholars and amateurs of the future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                       THE TEN
+
+                      PLEASURES
+
+                          OF
+
+                       MARRIAGE.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TEN
+
+PLEASURES
+
+OF
+
+MARRIAGE,
+
+_Relating_
+
+All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of
+Matrimony.
+
+Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.
+
+LONDON,
+
+Printed in the Year, 1682.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO THE READER.
+
+
+Courteous Reader,
+
+_This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of
+some spare hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small
+time, between whiles, hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring
+down again, still pitching upon the subject of the Ten Pleasures of
+Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find somthing worthy of
+thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as hath
+never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither
+canst thou well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat
+words, as other subjects may be, but only to be clad in plain habit
+most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I perceive that it please
+thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor brain'd in the
+Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will
+incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same_
+Tune, _but I mean to the same_ Purpose, _and apparelled very near the
+same dress: In the mean time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to
+this, and give it a gentle reception, from him who is thine.
+Farewell._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+
+The Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles &
+calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people should
+be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the younger
+sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling
+desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a
+multiplying glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are
+once come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should be
+drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morrice fooles
+caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger
+it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible
+estate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second and
+third time. Truly, if for once any one be through contrary
+imaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, and
+alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, or
+compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second
+and third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from
+speaking, and ty their tongues from complaining, that their miseries
+might not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they truly
+merit.
+
+And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as
+well known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we
+see them run into it with such an earnestness, that they are not to be
+counselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of _Hercules_;
+despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery.
+
+But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth,
+how they decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all
+manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of
+musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages,
+studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst
+Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any
+exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors
+of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of
+more then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a
+damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saint
+upon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty and
+perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed
+all together.
+
+And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so
+much money, and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and
+totally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel.
+They are then hardly arrived at this intitled happiness, but they must
+begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof,
+without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to
+the Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what
+they shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith so
+tosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totally
+laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree,
+but also in persons that have received promotion.
+
+For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly
+stragling about his study, even as his sences do, one among another.
+And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love,
+which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can be
+fitted.
+
+If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own
+sicknes, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of
+them were lying at deaths dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had
+appointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no
+more notice of his Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then
+if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the
+wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is
+incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple,
+or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.
+
+If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to
+begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in
+Marriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment of
+poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then
+being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his
+advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with
+his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed.
+But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little
+enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood
+at the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif and
+Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences,
+the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can
+make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions.
+
+There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say
+otherwise, but _'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready
+against the next meeting_; and are, with grief at heart, forced to
+see as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the
+whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now
+discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health
+of the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants;
+which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may
+boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a
+glass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as
+ever _Nectar_ and _Ambrose_ could be, that the Poets so highly
+commend.
+
+If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what
+can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they
+are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary
+clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning
+the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to
+the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills and
+other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the
+beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between
+friends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and an
+implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent and
+self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and
+Attorneys.
+
+And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of
+this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily
+neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies
+a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what
+Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or
+expected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in few
+daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this
+distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a
+Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and
+who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage.
+
+And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a
+military person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in
+Garison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets,
+flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds;
+though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not
+mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions,
+and a great deal more that belongs to him.
+
+And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with
+him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide
+fields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especially
+by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet
+now he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to
+the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered
+Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady
+Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State
+affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd
+_Jeronimo_.
+
+And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with
+any strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of
+his own Bom, and practises all sorts of waies and means how he shall
+best make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go again
+to his fair one.
+
+And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard,
+when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring
+seas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hath
+to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How often doth he hazard his
+Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an inconstant
+draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath
+drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet
+nevertheless, tho the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his
+head, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering
+_Boreas_, powerfull enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive those
+damps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, having
+driven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh,
+that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, those
+twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things
+would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were
+immediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if,
+unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast,
+oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty weather, and he
+hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger,
+that before was so far preserved.
+
+And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive
+Wilderness, he doth nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon
+his Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressing
+himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach or Pair of Oars
+to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with
+what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with
+waiting upon his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all
+things, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not only
+found without a Master, but the servants without government. And at
+New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any body
+desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he
+can't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where he
+stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd
+to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved,
+and then out of an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes
+receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all his
+business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.
+
+To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner
+touch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast
+the kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns and
+briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he is
+gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his Mistriss,
+and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness;
+immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair;
+being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or
+Tutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; or
+else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another in
+his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well as
+himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a
+pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And
+if the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him to
+fight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting of
+her, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand
+torments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures this
+introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from the
+marriage it self?
+
+Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would
+not but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging
+madness? yet Lovers go forward, and please your selves with this
+imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, you
+obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and
+feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 10. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST PLEASURE.
+
+_The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept._
+
+
+Now, O Lover, till this time you have been indeavouring, slaving,
+turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and begging to get from those
+slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent; you have
+also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors,
+who were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could
+obtain nothing; yet at last that long desired Word, is once descended
+by the Draw-bridge of her lips, like a rich cordial upon your
+languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals. Oh who can
+imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts
+glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials
+are laid aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a
+sudden be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet
+concluded. Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then
+you now possess! For what you will, she will also: and what she
+desires, is all your pleasure. You may now tumble in a bed of Lillies
+and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles, and she
+that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her.
+Yea, those snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch
+with your little finger; you may now, without asking leave, grasp by
+whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full view, consider all this
+rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in the World?
+O unspeakable pleasure!
+
+But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too
+much upon these glistering things: be a little moderate in your
+desired pleasures, if it might happen that there come some
+cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all those
+suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that
+the mouth which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and
+appear'd as if it had been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was
+compared to be the jaws of _Cerberus_. And those breasts, which before
+were the curded _Nacter_-hills, and called the Banket of the Gods, I
+have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and call'd
+worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) somewhat moderate and
+prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this market might
+fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.
+
+Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis
+hop'd there'l be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite,
+that you should go unto all the friends, that must be present at the
+meeting, to hear when their occasions will permit them, and what day
+and hour they will appoint to set upon the business, herewith you have
+work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of
+them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day,
+another to morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by
+this first Pleasure, you have also a little feeling of the first
+trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is to your advantage, because
+you may the better use your self to the following. And of how greater
+State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly
+this trouble generally happens to be more.
+
+But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours,
+troubles and turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together,
+and you doubt not but the match will be closed and agreed upon. But be
+here also a little moderate in your mirth, because oftentimes the
+friends handle this matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony
+bags of each side in a balance, as you may see by the Plate.
+
+In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in
+the next room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and
+keeping of the Wedding; but perhaps, through the discord of the
+friends, it will not be long before you are disturb'd; the differences
+oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters through the
+Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one
+is too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that
+the Parents of the Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and
+the Brides Parents will give too little with their Daughter. Or else
+that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they indeavour to make the
+goods of each side disinheritable, &c. So that it appears among the
+friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter.
+
+And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that
+it is not all hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were
+better for these two to remain unmarried, then to bring each other
+into misery; and can find no grounds or reasons, but rather to
+disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage.
+
+But tho, on each side, they use never such powerfull arguments, to
+the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for there's fire in the flax,
+and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid thinks, if this
+match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we have
+had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am
+ruined for ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so
+constant to him, not hearkning to the advice of her friends, is so
+struck to the heart with such fiery flames of love, that he's resolved
+never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water, or go a
+begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of
+Matrimony for what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and
+Damnation, I am contented, and resolve to sign it: but thinking by
+himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and new made again:
+hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with black
+clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by
+Eclipses.
+
+But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for
+the knot is tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very
+circumstantially write the Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by
+both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen from my heart, and a
+Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for more then
+ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; about
+goes a health, the good success of the marriage, and every one wishing
+them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of prosperity,
+
+    _If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give,
+    How richly this young couple, then might live._
+
+Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose
+nothing by it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it
+produces. Then if there be but one among them who is talkative, and
+that by drinking merrily the good success of the approaching marriage,
+his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at the closing
+of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate;
+and commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at
+first he had the World at will; but then there came this, and then
+that, and a thousand other vexatious things, which continually, or for
+the most part of the time with great grief and trouble had kept him so
+much backward, that it was long before he could get forward in the
+World.
+
+Well, M^{r}. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top,
+and rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you have
+now gotten your legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired
+for Fetters, that nothing but death it self can unloosen them.
+
+And you, M^{rs}. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking
+countenance; be you merry, you are the Bride; yea the Bride that
+occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband
+too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble
+and rumble you, and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation,
+that will comfort the very cockles of your heart. He will (if all
+falls out well) be your comforter, your company-keeper, your
+care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish for, or
+the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your
+palefac'dness, your pains in the reins of your back, and at your
+heart, and all other distempers whatsoever. He will also wipe of all
+your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream of that thing in the
+night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then your
+Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?
+
+But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice;
+pray tell me, when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage,
+what was the reason that you alter'd so mightily, & that your hand
+shook so? Verily, though I am no Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet
+nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best signs; and that one
+might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; the
+events whereof would be more certain then any thing that _Lilly_ or
+any other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a
+short time it will discover it self.
+
+Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and since you have gotten
+your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it would be
+unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business.
+And indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must
+trouble your head with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the
+Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and many other things are yet to be
+bought. Well, who can see an end of all your business! There's one
+piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third looks dull
+and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little
+or nothing bought yet.
+
+And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in
+contriving, ordering and looking upon things, you are every moment
+hindered, & taken off from it, with a continual knocking at the dore
+to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits, another to deliver
+the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &c, a third to be Cook,
+& Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thundering
+so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry
+their message to the Bride.
+
+Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker,
+and Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought &
+ordered for the Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands;
+and handkerchifs; & do but see, the day is at an end again: my brains
+are almost addle, and nothing goes forward: For M^{rs}. Smug said she
+would bring linnen, and M^{rs}. Smooth laces, but neither of them both
+are yet come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and
+comfort your selves, that the Bride will reward you liberally for your
+pains.
+
+Well, M^{rs}. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you
+now do (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled
+pate with a Crown upon it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is
+once over? could you ever have thought that there was so much work to
+be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that for these few
+troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your
+case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running
+up and down like a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may
+be proclaim'd. And now he's a running to and again through the City,
+to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, that are capacitated to
+entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty discourses,
+waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the rest of
+the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some
+good _Canary_, _Rhenish_ & _French_ Wines, that those friends which
+come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with
+a delicate glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie
+about the Brides adornments, may tast the Brides tears.
+
+But really friends, if you come to tast the Brides tears now, 'tis a
+great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and unfeigned
+ones, you must come some months hence.
+
+O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil,
+and run up and down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one
+another; he is doubtless chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her
+some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike her ne'r a whit the worse;
+and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to disswade
+her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care
+for that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings
+over. For now you have as much work as you can turn your self to, in
+getting all your things in a readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and
+Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find that oftentimes two or
+three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the greatest
+slavery imaginable.
+
+Yet, M^{r}. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this
+reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a
+golden Tapistry laid before you, and for your honour the Organs
+playing. The going with a Coach to marry at a Country Town, has not
+half so much grace, and will not at all please the Bride: it is
+therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who
+shall be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens,
+but there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don,
+but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally
+the Guests shall be treated; for they would come off with credit and
+little charge. To this is required the advice of a steward, because it
+is their daily work. And he for favour of the Cook, Pasterer, and
+Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) orders all things
+so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite. And
+the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but
+once the Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another
+consideration to be taken in hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegrooms
+friends shall be plac'd at the Table, the ordering whereof, many times
+causes such great disputes, that if they had known it before, they
+would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and
+the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell
+this marriage nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But
+Bridegroom to drive these damps out of your brain, there's no better
+remedy then to go along with your Bridemen to tast the Wedding wine;
+for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a delicate tast
+and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so
+delicious as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be
+so many curious tasters. Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you
+may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant
+is such a noble blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before
+they have drunk as many Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask
+that they tasted of.
+
+Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing
+but superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers,
+who are constantly talking & prating that the married estate brings
+nothing but care and sorrow with it; here, to the contrary, they may
+see how all minds & intentions are knit together, to consume and pass
+away these daies with the most superabounding pleasures. Away with
+sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct there is
+nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may
+enjoy the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.
+
+But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing,
+and thinks her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first
+Wedding-night will be ended, that she might carry up some water to the
+young couple, and have a feeling of those liberal gifts that she shall
+receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all her attendance,
+running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has
+deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and
+was very diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters;
+but all upon fair promises, having carried her self in the time of
+their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never had
+in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,
+
+    _And now the Bride is in the bed,
+    The former promises are dead._
+
+Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as
+is becoming you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man,
+Coachman, or neighbors servant, may fall in love with you; for many
+times out of one Wedding comes another, and then you might come to be
+a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as well as
+your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night.
+Then you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of
+marriage, and with the Bride expect the second.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of
+the Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others._<
+
+
+Well, young married people, how glad you must needs be, now the
+Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You may now ly and
+sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves
+quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another
+the exercise and handling of Venus Weapons.
+
+Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your
+appetites, & do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo
+_Aretin_, and all her light Companions, in all their several postures.
+Now you may rejoice in the sweet remembrance, how sumptuous that you
+were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other ornaments that my Lady
+_Bride_, and Madam _Spend-all_, first invented and brought in
+practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were
+used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon
+Instruments, singing, leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that
+youth being back'd with Bacchus strength uses either for mirth or
+wantonness.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 30. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+O how merry they were all of 'em! And how deliciously were all the
+dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for the Cook
+and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble,
+and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten
+gallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant
+remembrance.
+
+And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self;
+you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling
+narrow-soul'd Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely,
+without controul, do all what you have a mind to; and receive
+therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best
+beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.
+
+And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how
+willingly doth liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for
+you! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in the
+least comprehend.
+
+Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your
+desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs;
+for after some few daies, it may be hungry care will come and open
+the Curtains of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings
+you are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man,
+Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.
+
+But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear
+your young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with
+her Sister and her Aunt to buy houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush
+and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And then
+she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately Register,
+that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a
+fellouw-feeling of it.
+
+For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses,
+Chiny-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich
+Pictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a
+curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, several Webs for
+Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, and
+a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related:
+For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they
+increase every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudent
+Wives.
+
+And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at
+least the Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good
+carefull labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow,
+that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately
+brought home.
+
+And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant
+and merry; for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be
+without them; and that mony must alwaies be certainly ready, get it
+where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all this, at least, there must
+needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into our house.
+
+You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a
+good Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses,
+Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you
+may go then, with your Hony, twice a year, for the refreshing of your
+spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruits
+of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes you
+with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion,
+indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment.
+If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land,
+and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat some
+new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things;
+in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you.
+
+For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are
+burnt, the Orchards destroied, and the growth of the Fields spoiled!
+therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but
+think, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions
+and Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that
+the War costs mony, and it must be given, or else we should lose all.
+
+At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this
+gallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many
+Orchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags
+don't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that most no
+waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at such trivial
+things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to
+our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in
+ready mony, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger,
+you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might play
+Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies fast, and they will pay
+well, when the War is done.
+
+Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your
+self merry, with the hearing that your friends commend the
+entertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or three
+daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of the
+nearest acquaintance, will come _a la grandissimo_ to give you thanks
+for all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowed
+upon them; which will be done then with such a friendly and
+affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must
+invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make
+an addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness,
+mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friends
+and acquaintance.
+
+'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding
+who were displeased, for not being entertained according to their
+expectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some
+other friends were not seated in their right places; that M^{rs}.
+_Leonora_ had a jole-pate to wait upon her; and M^{r}. _Philip_ an old
+_Beldam_; M^{r}. _Timothy_ was forced to wait upon a young
+snotty-nose; and that Squire _Neefer_ could not sit easily, and
+M^{rs}. _Betty's_ Gorget was rumbled; and that _Mal_, and _Peg
+Stones_, and _Dol Dirty-buttocks_, were almost throng'd in pieces; and
+could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all be
+troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis
+enough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them
+with your Feast.
+
+Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highest
+degree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you
+so much mony; for if you had left them all at home, you could have
+had no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self
+with this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at
+so high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or three
+several times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass of
+Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to
+govern and satisfied.
+
+'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends
+animate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and
+surprize you; with shewing their thankfulness and satisfaction for the
+respect they have received from you; and that they are alwaies
+desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give
+you a visit.
+
+This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and
+Cellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing
+among them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.
+
+And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are)
+your Wives maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and
+unhandsomly; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends,
+beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be an
+incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain your
+friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep a fair
+correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an
+afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and
+Peaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a
+good glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dish
+of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oisters; but none of these
+neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Oh
+quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts,
+such Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?
+
+Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him
+to go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it
+will be extreamly pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid to
+him; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, and
+pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity is
+renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a
+Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be
+extraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more
+agreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental in
+helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a double
+increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompany
+her, and drive fancies out of her head.
+
+If your Wife should fail in her choice of houshold-stuff, and other
+sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudent
+School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and
+advise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be
+neatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art
+of ordring things, that you need not dispute with your Wife about the
+hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for they'l presently
+say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; and
+that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place
+with curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will
+deliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for the
+pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wish
+for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with hammers: give
+it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If
+there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might
+happen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm.
+It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones,
+should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contrive
+and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most
+suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in
+the night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest;
+therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.
+
+And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the
+School to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should
+already begin to grumble and talk how needfull it is to be sparing and
+thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that monies is
+not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must be
+paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent.
+For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you
+might get for an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor
+Bridegroom? This would be sad to hear.
+
+Go therefore to School by _Pythagoras_ to learn silence; and to look
+upon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do
+her own pleasure; and to mix hony with your words. Then you shall
+possess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfull
+steps enter upon the folowing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD PLEASURE.
+
+_The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by
+all their friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country
+for their pleasure._
+
+
+If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young
+married people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest and
+smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to invite
+every one to the Wedding, this sweet _Venus_ must be led abroad, and
+shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World
+must see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree
+together. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up in
+their best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets with
+tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all their
+acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 52. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go
+ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by
+some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and
+prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according
+as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married
+estate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the
+good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman,
+what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a
+maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour
+every one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking
+pleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist,
+receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind
+are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands,
+but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a
+fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve
+therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them
+where ever there is occasion.
+
+And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for
+every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is
+oft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd
+alwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little
+drousie, or that the head akes; the husband knows a present remedy to
+settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to
+see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh our
+selves, or else go and take the air upon the _Thames_ with a Pair of
+Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all _Lambeth_, the
+_Bankside_, and _Southwark_ shakes with it. Oh that _Apollo_ would but
+drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for
+it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the
+Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he
+cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?
+
+To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at
+rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young
+woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures
+in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then
+to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, and
+having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she
+hath a great mind to see _Oxford_ and _Cambridge._
+
+Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see _York_,
+_Glocester_ and _Bristol_, and take our pleasures those waies; for I
+have heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant
+travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to
+relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart
+leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as soon as I am married, I
+will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither;
+because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he would
+sometimes relate of _Herefordshire_ what delicious Syder and Perry is
+made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go
+that way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the
+Fountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week.
+
+It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus
+much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is
+already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding,
+Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he
+cannot disswade her from it.
+
+    _You may as soon retort the wind,
+    As make a woman change her mind._
+
+In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies
+concludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come
+again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my
+Dear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me to
+go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly,
+why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out
+a month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother,
+or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town!
+For the first year will not come again."
+
+Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his
+wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily
+tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that,
+for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for
+a marriage lesson, _Have a care of making the first difference._ If he
+speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would
+occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be
+guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.
+
+Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk
+they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their
+best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all
+their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and
+some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it would
+have no grace.
+
+Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and
+prosperity upon their journy, & so do I.
+
+But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young
+woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the
+World turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she
+shall vomit her very heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take
+her off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he
+knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might
+give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And she
+poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepist
+himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not;
+which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear
+the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning
+to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space
+softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to
+get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her
+distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly
+forwards, to get to the end of their journy.
+
+Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of
+marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me
+thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little
+trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive,
+and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these
+dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your
+stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of
+filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse
+then your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you:
+The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall
+first whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will
+receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her
+imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which will
+the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities
+of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the
+more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much
+joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and
+civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth.
+
+But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to
+speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he
+will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an
+incurable deafness.
+
+They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go
+along with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither
+would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good
+friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the
+dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for
+th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish
+the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further
+attend them upon their journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and
+away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the
+liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the
+flight with his Proserpina through the City.
+
+But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth
+will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an
+eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this
+must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you
+must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your new
+wife.
+
+These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you
+must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from
+home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the
+ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that
+maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts;
+and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep
+open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the
+neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them
+was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted
+and domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how
+they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse
+Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.
+
+Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there
+be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be
+lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices
+to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that
+their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the
+Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number,
+but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in
+that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men
+& maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience
+hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been
+eased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the
+whole World.
+
+These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but
+if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved
+of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of
+what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and
+inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visible
+unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or
+other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will,
+whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects
+his Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation &
+Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all oft-times
+knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so
+inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the
+neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume your
+self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and
+uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married
+Mistris. O miserable pleasure!
+
+But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as
+soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your
+wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home.
+Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up &
+down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is
+impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and
+then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared
+suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to
+be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order
+for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she
+cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about
+her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the
+troublesomness of the journy.
+
+In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and
+laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that
+their Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to
+have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by
+stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he
+had the eyes of _Argolus_ can attrap them; for if by chance you should
+perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude
+you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is
+easily pacified and satisfied for that time.
+
+And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of
+a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well,
+getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally
+see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to
+do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping
+hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set
+in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.
+
+And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a
+Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take
+her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house.
+And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair,
+seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies stragling
+about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds
+a fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistris hath had
+such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was
+beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she
+had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this
+is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have
+been.
+
+Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to
+speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer
+is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things,
+leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no
+understanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman to
+have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now
+and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of
+so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.
+
+Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give
+him full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all
+things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their
+Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a Tom _Peep in the
+pot_, or _Goodman busiebody_. And before dinner is fully done, he must
+hear _Peg_ asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, to
+go by and by and give Mistris _Moody_ a visit, or discourse a little
+with Madam Elenor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need you
+ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North
+Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily.
+Madam _Elenor_ will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that
+she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a
+drift, and away she goes with _Peg_ out of dores. Let it go then as it
+will with the house keeping.
+
+This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies
+agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out
+of Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure
+enough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistris _Moody_, and courteous
+Madam _Elenor_.
+
+Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles
+there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may
+think then what the middle and end must be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 54. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her
+barrenness, and takes Physick for it._
+
+
+Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they
+have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by
+all their acquaintance.
+
+Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of
+what friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the great
+difference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners and
+deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the _Hills_, _Dales_
+and _Meadows_ lie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but most
+particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be
+treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the
+weakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who
+possess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desire
+to be at home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their
+own Tables.
+
+Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man
+hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all
+such idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairs
+and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a
+handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had
+her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of
+pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some
+care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out
+so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man.
+
+But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up,
+without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will
+beleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of your
+marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already got
+footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments:
+Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better
+understanding of further pleasures.
+
+For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to
+complain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life;
+that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a new
+Maid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commanding
+her the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are
+things that she before never used to trouble her self with; and that
+it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in a
+strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that the
+good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these
+foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle
+her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her
+tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't.
+And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end,
+there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendant
+Sunshine.
+
+For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape
+acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which
+increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to
+that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at
+home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with her
+child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres _Breedwell_
+making ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together.
+Yonder Mistris _Maudlen_ complains that she doth not prove with child;
+& then Mistres _Young-at-it_ brags how nearly she could reckon from
+the very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this three
+months, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still
+as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?
+
+This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the
+brain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not
+understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the better
+how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance
+what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly
+relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the
+curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she
+may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he
+doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the
+employ, &c. for the verification whereof the Councel of women bring so
+many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to
+speak of them.
+
+Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their
+advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would
+oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good for
+my self, _viz._ Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones,
+Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-house
+and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from
+Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling
+for the kidneys. And then I would many times my self by dallying with
+him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;
+whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor
+want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess,
+that you had sufficiently done your indeavour.
+
+Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy
+man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws
+at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which
+other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that
+your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you a
+thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to
+express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the
+morning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very
+great pleasures.
+
+But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain
+in the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her
+husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting
+her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a
+good man Do-little, &c.
+
+This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never
+so much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from
+the reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper;
+the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance
+that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still
+complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted.
+
+And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her
+brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that
+she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediately
+she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peoples
+children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably,
+as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth more
+simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have
+done. By which means the children have many times as great an
+affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and
+Mother.
+
+This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her
+husband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means
+knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that
+she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no
+less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest she
+is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is
+freed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a
+child. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of her
+neighbours child, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in
+the World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies so
+long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against
+her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run
+distracted.
+
+But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no
+means or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best
+himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that
+French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and
+women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children:
+Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a
+daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very
+necessary that the good woman her self consult with some experienced
+Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which
+are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken
+away.
+
+To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought
+together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to
+work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith
+(as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they
+make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may
+be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts
+of the body; then to open those that were stopt and caused
+Distempers.
+
+But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable,
+where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her
+husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels.
+
+And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head
+next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon
+all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she
+will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately
+saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only
+pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times
+in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen
+to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no
+wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at
+variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind
+hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a
+child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may
+crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him
+that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing
+that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning
+the tide.
+
+To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife
+is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is
+very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child.
+
+But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to
+hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand
+in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young
+people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the
+satisfaction of the Master.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs._
+
+
+The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I
+find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally
+that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that!
+Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath
+been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made
+for some good effects.
+
+How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor,
+and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull,
+for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman,
+and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance
+is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature
+abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, &
+Thus the women talk.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly;
+continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at
+any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain
+the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must
+suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a
+distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state
+and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and
+preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her
+often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or
+maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass
+it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for
+the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is
+common with big-bellied women to do so.
+
+But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and
+groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid
+it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally
+shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide
+your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good
+sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her.
+For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first
+Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her
+heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house
+must be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold,
+out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self
+herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your
+wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.
+
+Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are
+invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the
+Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or
+have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it,
+are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little
+in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else
+should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good
+woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the
+Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities
+sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd,
+or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.
+
+And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for
+the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom
+knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it
+tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again,
+according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick
+with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately
+another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.
+
+And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous;
+but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure
+her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for
+fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an
+heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end
+an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this
+and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband
+without a wife, and the family without a mistris.
+
+Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is
+generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will
+be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all
+sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year
+affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with
+sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad
+to spend much, and at home neglect more.
+
+If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it,
+that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further.
+Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not,
+or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the
+Country that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.
+
+And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat
+to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to
+humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the
+occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he
+pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it,
+because many women are very fearfull upon the water.
+
+But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found
+to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your
+self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much
+molest and disturb you.
+
+You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to
+be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all
+what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can
+be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time
+what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you
+must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child
+would have some hindrance by it.
+
+Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and
+prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with
+child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the
+providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to
+you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not
+alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or
+cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he
+shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.
+
+It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport
+their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the
+summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest
+Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts,
+and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of:
+And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full
+satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some
+great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and
+dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get
+a blemish by it.
+
+If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to
+sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as
+if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and
+whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If
+she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the
+next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall
+nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no
+help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or
+cost what it will.
+
+And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what
+the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their
+superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a
+thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible
+charges and great expence.
+
+But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us
+some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing
+desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy
+Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for
+Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed
+for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear
+before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real
+longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate
+desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply
+imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and
+t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all,
+is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly
+for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very
+middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young
+Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not
+without paying excessive dear for them.
+
+This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and
+nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how
+often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that
+both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night,
+must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or
+some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
+can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before
+hath an appetite prepared for it?
+
+Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon
+multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a
+griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion
+Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new
+work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what
+he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other
+Physick taken for it.
+
+But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as
+the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the
+Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge
+touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is
+fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her
+good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white
+Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar,
+and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know
+where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found
+in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of
+those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also
+ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or
+Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the
+second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and
+the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a
+glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb,
+and occasions you a good quickness, &c.
+
+Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much
+better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal
+of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the
+back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable
+ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that
+Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good
+an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or
+with an antipathy, by the Patient.
+
+Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a
+higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and
+your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and
+pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes
+you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also
+now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a
+thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties.
+Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six
+months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly
+when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in
+season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then
+that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.
+
+Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not
+these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a
+beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as
+a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart,
+and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience
+thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to
+be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will,
+perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at
+this happiness.
+
+But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and
+Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you
+thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely
+admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected,
+and in a manner too late to repent of.
+
+Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into
+the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this
+unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this
+state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is
+spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all
+to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a
+Midwife and Nurse._
+
+
+In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron
+from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may
+plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one
+acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a
+great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to
+be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to
+provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you
+need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will
+happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff
+unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist
+(as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full
+created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.
+
+And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail,
+that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John
+Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for
+quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because
+you could have no witnesse for your vindication.
+
+You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted
+with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable
+for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.
+
+O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide
+for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the
+months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath
+she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you,
+because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that
+the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger,
+and increaseth the affections.
+
+Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the
+Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the
+disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there
+is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations;
+But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no
+speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her:
+besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone
+till another time.
+
+Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in
+requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her!
+the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full
+of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not
+so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it.
+Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak
+to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so
+imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but
+her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what
+belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her
+acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently
+ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then,
+so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht
+upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers
+were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In
+the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are
+then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word
+is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women
+generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.
+
+But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the
+Maid.
+
+To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the
+Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her
+Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the
+Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom,
+trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells,
+quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to
+school to learn casting of an account.
+
+Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the
+charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to
+market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very
+fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice
+what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it
+might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now
+possess.
+
+Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to
+your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies
+accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all
+things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed
+linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were
+made.
+
+But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice;
+for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go
+and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the
+time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.
+
+Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l
+find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you
+glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of
+importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse,
+because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of
+the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.
+
+Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and
+acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your
+advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you
+may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a
+little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for
+all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst
+the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is
+not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced,
+another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth
+hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short
+there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good
+woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse
+the best.
+
+And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse,
+having already spent above a months time in examining among her
+kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such
+nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few
+to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very
+great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a
+third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much,
+and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid,
+and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a
+one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to
+make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a
+matter of no small weight.
+
+Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you
+may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a
+wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns
+and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very
+cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till
+evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that
+nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how
+mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!
+
+And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments;
+but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that
+she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there
+wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to
+it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with
+the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again
+there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver
+candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought &
+used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not
+fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too &
+again.
+
+Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all
+these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could
+begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom;
+and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the
+rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the
+Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good
+woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring
+eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.
+
+These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly
+the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it
+oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she
+is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she
+happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an
+alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or
+other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor
+husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some
+Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such
+sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal
+keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O
+how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her
+child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which
+makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical
+humours.
+
+But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not
+only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that
+some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and
+withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that
+noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect &
+reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your
+first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither
+will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several
+liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above
+others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.
+
+Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then
+suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges
+to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the
+World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with
+your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine,
+for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the
+Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the
+long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will
+come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much
+joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come
+also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.
+
+Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to
+appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman falls in Labour._
+
+
+Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent
+and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you
+now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or
+unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of
+these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the
+longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very
+unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble,
+grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and
+fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.
+
+But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said
+that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then?
+should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book,
+and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her
+reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the
+Trade goes forwards.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near
+or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress,
+and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of
+them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every
+day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them,
+they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very
+unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time
+to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing
+upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife
+with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions
+for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye;
+neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should
+not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because
+she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.
+
+Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the
+Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the
+maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night,
+whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells
+in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City:
+(for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that
+she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).
+
+Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for
+a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the
+sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not
+find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to
+some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should
+happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this
+Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take
+any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.
+
+But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter,
+vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in
+labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for
+that time.
+
+But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the
+best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto
+you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a
+hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from
+all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the
+grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your
+self did expect you should have been.
+
+Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out
+of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's
+great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love
+your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is
+also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very
+first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &
+do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless
+you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full
+scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:
+For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all
+things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again;
+therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed
+imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar
+good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to
+her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them
+very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities,
+it is taken to be no small affront.
+
+It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards
+would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard,
+that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing
+before her self; little considering how few people the young people
+had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and
+unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a
+method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen
+between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed
+the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.
+
+'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little
+doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble
+School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that
+this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they
+that are well instructed in it.
+
+Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there
+not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor
+Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is
+in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head,
+not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and
+the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected,
+because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up
+before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of
+another, though they be all near relations and friends.
+
+Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself.
+Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good
+Stierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first
+backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath
+the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool
+gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those
+things he most stands in need of.
+
+Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not
+think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are
+not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the
+Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both
+the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris
+_Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out.
+
+Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of
+breath, to desire to borrow them of Mistris _Buy-all_. And she's
+hardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming pan
+is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the
+Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happens
+that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition
+is this!
+
+Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were
+this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all
+the womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each
+other, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great
+alteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so
+desperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or
+perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath
+prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the
+very girdle of Saint _Francis_ can work here no miracle.
+
+Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this
+come by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve
+that it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the
+Child-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if there
+come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able to
+undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.
+
+'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband
+and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women
+beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their
+cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waies
+refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding the
+sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.
+
+But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us
+five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would
+make every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the great
+Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.
+
+Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you
+shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Womans brought to bed._
+
+
+Ha boys! after all the toiling, the happy hour is at last arrived,
+that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well this
+is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; for the
+good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.
+
+Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is
+so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out
+immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance;
+thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry
+at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what
+earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great
+Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness!
+
+[Illustration: Folio 127. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending
+the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other
+Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris
+_Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things
+topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those
+things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think
+that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to
+have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull
+assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any
+where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a
+rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughing
+thrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, taking
+also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little
+at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much
+admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if
+she were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them
+else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of
+their Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing you
+would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well
+imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are
+Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &
+torn, and a third full of mildew.
+
+Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook
+and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the
+great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the
+Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred
+years old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy
+with it, or take it speedily into his bliss._
+
+Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is
+this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat
+in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!
+
+Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical
+possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be
+a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no
+wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer
+then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a
+Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.
+
+Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum
+trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain
+the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet
+tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And
+I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be
+one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag
+that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one
+that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or
+three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise
+and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others.
+And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse
+for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in
+the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak
+before the other.
+
+But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out
+of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill
+that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads,
+Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by
+experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the
+kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it is
+very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and
+I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the
+soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an
+earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost
+gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into
+another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.
+
+Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath
+busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now
+and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as
+long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them
+audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion
+gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning
+the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is
+seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the
+Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.
+
+In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her
+sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a
+back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just
+now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there
+keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.
+
+Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her,
+and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal
+right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires
+her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as
+many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to
+be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to
+be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do
+what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse,
+it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here
+again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her
+Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other
+that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a
+time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for
+want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the
+tipples.
+
+Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters,
+and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven
+away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured.
+Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue much
+longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her
+her life.
+
+Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure
+to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now
+so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in
+deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull
+time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good
+broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid
+Egs.
+
+But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it
+will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come
+to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of
+understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and
+counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced
+in Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more
+then ordinary, they never want for remedies.
+
+Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting,
+hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as
+this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd;
+and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get
+them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_
+relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast,
+when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by
+only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside,
+and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour,
+without any pain, or the least fear of danger.
+
+Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that
+that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to
+be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore
+it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aqua
+vitæ_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of
+Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain
+in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much
+good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make
+use of that, you will never repent it.
+
+But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, and
+found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other
+things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found
+nothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_
+Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.
+
+Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations done
+with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the
+Gentlewoman in Py-yard.
+
+Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a
+secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can
+the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already
+communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it
+who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very
+vigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_
+Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but
+participate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared,
+mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them
+together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the
+Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring
+it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the
+chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it
+doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the
+coming of any more.
+
+Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take a
+little horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for
+that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner.
+
+O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so
+many prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I am
+sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors
+at Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he
+may but once see the back-sides of all these grave and nice
+Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of
+the most accomplished Pleasures.
+
+But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these
+remedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our
+turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a
+swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the
+very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep a
+Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for
+Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever
+chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their
+manner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom
+for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath
+also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and
+who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at
+home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it
+often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now
+and then giving it the sucking bottle.
+
+But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the
+Grandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's
+lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready
+to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaies
+till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so much
+that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to
+_Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a
+good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind
+love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she
+will rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yet
+having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it
+is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at
+quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes
+to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to
+Nurse.
+
+And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new made
+Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and
+mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the
+_East-Indies_, & her child died lately.
+
+This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new
+Father, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now
+all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child;
+the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father
+very well.
+
+Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that
+you may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of
+sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the
+Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with
+nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan
+lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to
+be weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in
+must be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have a
+mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with the
+tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength
+with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laid
+Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for
+you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a more
+strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted
+Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some
+Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young
+Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink two
+or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with the
+finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any
+French wine, for that will too much inflame you.
+
+O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and
+especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink
+again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if
+all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in
+few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her.
+
+This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so
+pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious
+remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at
+these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits
+to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive
+and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife
+may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I
+would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she
+should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she
+might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what
+she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak
+yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what
+is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.
+
+O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and
+carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this!
+And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins
+from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she
+begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of
+coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out
+of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and
+main Pleasure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE NINTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of the Gossips Feast._
+
+
+Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures,
+which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.
+
+But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so
+many joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first
+and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife
+begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her
+grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down
+the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.
+
+But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips
+Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious
+Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult
+who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations
+and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to
+be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can
+ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any
+of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she
+expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them
+that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and
+her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the
+Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women
+understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations
+much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.
+
+O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have
+in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of
+wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be
+your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor
+_Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to
+wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_,
+and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the
+Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near
+relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will
+never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by
+this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a
+Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your
+brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of
+receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap
+it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.
+
+Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no
+sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's
+so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against
+the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think
+on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very
+house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris
+_Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be
+peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it
+forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must
+go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to
+take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the
+Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they
+do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs
+spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good
+colour, equal-size and thickness.
+
+But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these
+incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the
+hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the
+Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father,
+look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty
+darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to
+be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing
+of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and
+all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do
+confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and
+doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the
+Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another,
+that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very
+much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father.
+And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is
+in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have
+drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the
+having very rich laces.
+
+Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed
+woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she
+had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there
+was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every
+one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the
+conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept
+to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with
+Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another
+comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so
+hot.
+
+Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or
+twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you
+other sorts of tales.
+
+In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_
+how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that
+she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished
+room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all
+the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he
+begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets
+some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a
+vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for
+them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other
+savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and
+then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from
+it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer
+then he was before; and what need he care for it then.
+
+Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a
+little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should
+speak of their own Commodities.
+
+O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many
+ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you
+are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and
+discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
+_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to
+keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had
+feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had
+caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.
+
+At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely
+these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish
+there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably
+handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that
+Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with
+his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped
+it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed
+to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris
+_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously
+stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running
+thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her
+Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
+then again to have her stockins soled.
+
+It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to
+a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece
+M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close
+conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last
+there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair.
+
+Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twit
+one another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet
+compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the
+corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other
+watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling
+under her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from some
+obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continue
+so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of
+her distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.
+
+Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard such
+rapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve
+there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented
+their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was
+sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly and
+liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat your
+self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon
+Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to
+him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take
+a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all
+things, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my
+wife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she
+doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve her
+gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good
+body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &
+there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in
+a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at
+the least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her
+Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but
+then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now
+by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill
+about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the
+Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than
+before.
+
+And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but
+yet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls
+so bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss,
+that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead of
+putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, &
+sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of
+it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnen
+bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked body
+only in the blanket alone.
+
+O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and
+entertained all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their
+curious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertaining
+their husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing of
+you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talk
+as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.
+
+Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds
+to the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master _Laugh wel_, that's a Child! who
+ever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have
+such a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alone
+together, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould.
+Stay a little, stay a little, saith _Master Fillup_, it may be you
+would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who
+were Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an
+Alehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of
+them said; Cocksbobs _Jack_ if I had but a Wife, as well as another,
+I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith the
+t'other, it is an easie thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If I
+would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within the
+space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a wager
+between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of
+dores just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets
+length, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an
+errand for her Mistris, and he presently laies her on board. But she
+seemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about her
+business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred by a
+strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he,
+you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may
+certainly beleeve that it is an honest person who speaks to you, and
+only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous good
+condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier,
+and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please
+to admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest
+man, and none of those that go about to ly and deceive any body; and
+indeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothing
+but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time found
+one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms.
+But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to a
+Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort of
+levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldom
+advanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldiers
+life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that
+was under the Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical
+pride did any waies take place by them, but that they, on the
+contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into their
+thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again,
+all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our
+selves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, having
+alwaies something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart,
+doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's
+no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies
+see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards
+and Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c.
+
+In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the
+more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her
+Mistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration. He
+answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we spend time in
+thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any
+thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally
+falls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ah
+my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder
+comes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time,
+till that be past by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for
+otherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldier
+neither woos nor threatens long.
+
+Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by
+the Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box
+for a pledge of marriage; and desired something of her in like manner
+for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted so
+strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge of
+marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto
+his Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the
+Garter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it
+was, what her name was, and where she dwelt, &c. And being told by
+another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well complexion'd Maid,
+By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that I
+could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if
+you will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the
+Maid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l
+hardly know whether it be me or another.
+
+Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine were
+spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged to
+keep it secret.
+
+This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the
+hour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to
+her several passages that were passed between them the day before, and
+shewing her the Garter, made her beleeve that he was the person that
+had contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leaves
+her service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed,
+is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the
+second performed; for just nine months after they were married, she
+was brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived very
+peaceably and quietly together.
+
+Well, I'l vow, saith Master _Crossgrain_, that's a very notable
+relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then
+like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to
+you.
+
+_Barebeard_ and _Mally_, who by a sudden accident, without much
+wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was
+published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that
+they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would
+discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the
+Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes
+themselves, which hapned so.
+
+_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained that
+he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a
+good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish
+Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of
+mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the
+Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired
+his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it
+much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She
+on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the
+streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a
+Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon
+his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think
+that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps
+when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth
+for the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered,
+may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that
+he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness,
+and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your
+Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I
+should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go
+alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.
+
+The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such
+sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said _Barebeard_,
+may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with
+whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes.
+Presently _Barebeard_ thrusting his head out at the dore, calls out
+aloud, _Peg_ do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would
+be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall
+seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in
+this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my _Hal_ to
+have tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me at
+another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most
+shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might
+very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second
+consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But
+_Barebeard_ being now married with _Peg_, they got no children: And
+_Mall_ being married to _Hal_, they had both a Son and a Daughter at
+one birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance _Mall_
+had made with _Barebeard_ before hand, & why she would rather marry
+with Hall then with him.
+
+To this again Mistris _Sweetmouth_ relates, that she had been several
+times invited to Mistris _Braves_ labour; and that she had been twice
+brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last
+encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she
+presented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would
+equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk
+again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she
+calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate
+pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which
+she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the
+wonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir,
+as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just
+cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise
+like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to
+be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high
+doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.
+
+But this Story was hardly told before Mistris _Tittle-tattle_ pursued
+it with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two
+years ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris _Gay_, who was then brought
+to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the
+Labour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the
+stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither
+Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only the
+assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered
+of two gallant Children; but they did not live long.
+
+Upon my word, said Mistris _Bounce-about_, it is an excellent help
+when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It
+hapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat
+late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour,
+said this, Mistris _Bounce-about_, if you would now take a walk to the
+Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor
+weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an
+hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep;
+before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband
+must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the
+Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what they
+could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any
+bodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were
+done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the
+Christning cloath instead of the Blanket.
+
+And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would
+burthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more,
+because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, when
+the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times
+they spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that are
+enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that their
+tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who
+hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is
+high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the
+child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.
+
+Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be
+presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind
+and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that
+you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to
+your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you
+receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their
+wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast,
+to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they
+peep into all nooks and corners.
+
+Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but
+prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such
+another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a
+year?
+
+Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your
+running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by her
+self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But
+Nurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies
+sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among
+the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'l
+go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce:
+because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in
+their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the
+times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little
+mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a
+couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for your
+sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises
+but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made
+your bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nurse
+keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up
+the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to
+have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and
+then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the
+twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of
+the Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in
+to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known
+that the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't do
+it that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to get
+their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again
+think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more
+care they will take for the Child.
+
+Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs
+amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will
+nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be
+sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of your
+self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows
+whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet
+with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed
+woman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you may
+certainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that
+you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider with
+her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so
+that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.
+
+Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist
+and mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a
+mess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that
+you'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess of
+body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body
+that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your
+attendance, unless they want you again.
+
+O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that
+you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the
+Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths._
+
+
+Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that of
+Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verily
+one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it is
+impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to
+display it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst
+Painter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but a
+dead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that is
+found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables but
+it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness
+of one of the nine Parts.
+
+Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so
+short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these
+Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before
+the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 188. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine in
+their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity;
+for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be put
+in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!
+'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.
+
+At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty
+pleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable
+discourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matron
+like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friends
+and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also
+who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and
+pleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass,
+_super naculum_ drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you,
+your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you may
+increase and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; because
+that they then might the better come to the Child-bed Feast.
+
+Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss
+your Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray
+God bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our
+Native Country; all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. And
+when you have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with
+the honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well
+is not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousand
+pounds at lest.
+
+And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other
+Women are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put
+in Cloaths upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved to
+morrow morning to be Church'd, & in the afternoon she'l go to market.
+
+She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in
+the second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and
+in the streets, she hath continually observed severall children, and
+the most part of them dressed up in severall sorts of fashions: Some
+of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether that
+be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makes
+her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand
+very neat and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly
+and very dear; but then again it is very comly and handsom. And then
+again she thinks with her self, as long as I am at Market, I'd as good
+go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is for
+our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person;
+therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, the
+price for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure for
+my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his
+mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.
+
+Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing
+much, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When it
+grows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more mony.
+Don't grudge at this for once, because then you would spoil all your
+mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is not
+only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very
+carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd.
+You your self have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a
+while, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for her
+brains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hours
+time, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and suppose
+you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your answer
+from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all
+her thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, one
+among another continually, to order the dressing up of her child.
+
+I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at
+present run a Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and Trade
+are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reason
+of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce,
+nothing near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort
+your self herewith, that it hath hapned oft-times to others, & will
+yet also happen oftner to you. Yet this is one of the least things;
+but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. This
+seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a
+Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than
+you had before.
+
+You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks
+after the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from
+tossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilest others, on the
+contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their houses; begin first to
+tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that the
+Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto
+both Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman
+is yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of
+the Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping hand
+to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatest
+share in it.
+
+By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of
+the Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then,
+out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that she
+might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her
+breasts for the Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off
+with but rocking the most part of the night; for many times it
+happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father,
+Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of
+their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and
+stratagems, yet all's to no purpose.
+
+And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few
+months are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so
+night & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing
+a thousand thousand times over that they might see day-break; and so
+by the comfortable assistance of day-light receive a little solace for
+all their toiling and tumbling too and again.
+
+Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be
+discomforted at this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have
+learnt somthing in the School of Marriage, to exercise their
+patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves contented with all
+things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past,
+they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them
+thanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with
+a slabbering cocurring. And I beleeve now that they clearly find that
+all things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And
+that the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a
+Cloudy Storm.
+
+You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much
+greater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage,
+neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the child
+in the night.
+
+O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you!
+For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your
+Son; and by that means reap the possession again of all those former
+Pleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are an
+excellent good Artist.
+
+If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your
+wife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her
+miscarry. But you have learnt all these things well enough at the
+first, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance.
+
+Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your
+dearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most
+neatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits,
+to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will have
+it made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totally
+finisht against Sunday next.
+
+O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what a pretty Son you have!
+How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows how
+to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better
+pleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too
+short for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City,
+that she may fullfill her desire of shewing it to every body: never
+was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and the Maid with the
+Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides
+seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to
+day. And most especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse
+turn'd away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that she
+now not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walk
+abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also bound to the Child,
+like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly did,
+to walk abroad with _Giles the Baker_, or _John True the Tailor_; nor
+so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred;
+which occasions no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.
+
+But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs
+also to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented
+because your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather think
+with your self, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her.
+And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find that
+in the house and Kitchin things are not so well taken care for, why
+then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of the
+Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you
+enjoied the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child
+should sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe
+were ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any waies roughly
+handled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger:
+Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit all
+your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things,
+and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no
+small Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little young
+Gosling can so perfectly distinguish the tast of the Wine, from the
+tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder years, perhaps
+they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it.
+But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes
+people quickly gray-headed.
+
+Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at
+an end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels
+or small Pox; and then you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might
+not be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no
+wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and
+measeling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary
+there may then perchance appear so many glimps of marriage Pleasures
+from him, that such small things will not be once lookt at.
+
+For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I
+have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a
+pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she
+goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples;
+which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learnt
+to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making of
+Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.
+
+Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in
+seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil
+deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of _French
+manners and behaviours_; and knows also how to dress up her self so
+finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all the
+neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves
+very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they,
+following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct
+one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the
+difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many
+more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also
+to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the
+opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then
+with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards
+with some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of
+Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if
+the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad.
+Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious
+conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a
+bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very
+pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old
+Proverb,
+
+    _As old Birds did, the young ones sing,
+    Which is a very pleasant thing._
+
+Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your
+selves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to
+the very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; and
+perchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one day
+follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your
+happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can
+happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your
+heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then you
+will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into
+your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous
+through the whole World.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+
+Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married
+people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means,
+indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and
+imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations,
+and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths,
+Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their
+own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy
+snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad and
+lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown
+themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then
+it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and
+sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they
+must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and
+vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures,
+is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any
+of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour,
+as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of
+dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching
+into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the
+quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and
+unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number
+(which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and
+Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise
+themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long
+they can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder
+much, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselves
+never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are
+fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may
+disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen
+that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes,
+&c. for we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those
+commodities.
+
+Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out
+of this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a
+woman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon
+amongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hath
+befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self,
+if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the
+acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles
+and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and
+ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter
+of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon
+your heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the
+glorious Apostle, _It is good for man not to touch a woman._
+
+
+THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A LETTER
+
+From one Friend to another,
+
+_Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry._
+
+
+_SIR,_
+
+I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given
+me some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate
+upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is
+a matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered and
+considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate
+it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very
+same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they
+were affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and
+unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more
+freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly
+to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I
+have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then
+you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my
+meaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the
+disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes
+preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for
+the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as are
+not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof.
+Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there
+will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to
+take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies
+of so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity may
+easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a
+burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he
+would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry
+then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a
+thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a
+thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave.
+You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you
+every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to
+awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some
+mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual
+trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken you
+out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be
+at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many
+insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be
+vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family.
+Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses,
+which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So
+that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his
+daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy
+burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is
+marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities,
+till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch.
+She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour,
+& covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her
+hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her
+bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech
+and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an
+Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive
+with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the
+Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side of
+the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the
+naked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only
+forbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she
+so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is
+repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps
+you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young,
+wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon
+her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love
+her. But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is
+oftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a
+wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent,
+she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted,
+she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of
+her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can
+flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her
+freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you
+will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If she
+love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd,
+she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad
+Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost
+you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one,
+that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters
+with your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all
+your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never
+bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort
+of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if
+you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or
+spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old
+are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the
+innocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and
+women without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. In
+these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them
+that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge
+a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one
+who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the
+middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise
+you to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so much
+discommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it to
+be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it
+bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you
+must then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to
+subject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most
+difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist
+her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of all
+her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Now
+you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may
+then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would
+willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it
+would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and
+vertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, and
+say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and
+needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an
+everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to
+your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that
+they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good
+trees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you have
+seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your
+intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And
+beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of
+marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day,
+then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a
+single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel,
+go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight;
+without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and
+Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for
+their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up,
+concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice,
+then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do
+well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me,
+rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be
+
+            SIR
+
+                _Your very humble servant_
+
+                                      A.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      THE
+
+                   CONFESSION
+
+                    OF THE
+
+               NEW MARRIED COUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CONFESSION OF THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE
+               LONDON,
+               PRINTED in the JEAR 1683.
+               _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+
+                      THE
+
+                   CONFESSION
+
+                     OF THE
+
+               NEW MARRIED COUPLE,
+
+                     Being
+
+  The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+
+                    Relating
+
+   _The further delights and contentments that
+       ly masked under the bands of Wedlock._
+
+
+
+          Written by _A. Marsh._ Typogr.
+
+                 [Illustration]
+
+                    LONDON,
+
+             Printed in the year 1683.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO THE READER.
+
+
+Courteous Reader,
+
+_Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go
+forward with a Second, which I here present thee with; being now
+indifferently confident that it will be no worse used by Thee then the
+Brother of it was: I hope there is never a Part of it, in which thou
+wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for such as
+profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the
+gestur of casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell
+you a notorious ly, I would not have them to study in it, by reason it
+speaks a great deal of truth, and will not be so suitable to their
+humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is scrambled together,
+which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in such_
+holding forth _Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make
+use of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their
+Spirits with a little laughter, and never busie their brains with the
+subversion of State and Church government: And being well received by
+such, it is as much as is expected by him who is thine. Farewell._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+CONFESSION
+
+OF THE
+
+NEW MARRIED COUPLE,
+
+_Being_
+
+The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many
+traverses and tossings too and again, they return quietly home to
+their studies and rememorates all the unexpected pleasure that they
+encountred with upon the one Coast, and the horrible vexations and
+confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning thereof,
+doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and
+conveyeth them through all the Countries, without so much as the least
+moving of a foot. Just so it goes with those that have been under the
+Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed from them: These being then come to
+be solitary, at rest, and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate
+and recogitate what pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings
+and crosses they met with at other times. And the writing down of
+these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the received pleasures;
+but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for them
+to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys
+are still approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know
+not the sweetness of the Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon
+that they may with all earnestness Sail unto it, and possess those
+joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you Ten Pleasant
+Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and
+not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous
+Reader add unto them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married
+people have since confessed, or to be short with you, was formerly
+wink'd at, and passed over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 9 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST PLEASURE.
+
+_The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised
+Portion._
+
+
+Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part
+of your Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal
+delights in it. But what is there in this World that we grow not weary
+of? You have seen that the sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes,
+and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, with al their rich fruits,
+finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of them.
+
+Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it
+is possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst
+the rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this
+appears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it.
+Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you have
+a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriage
+testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your
+apparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate
+how to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more,
+because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped it
+together with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it unto
+you for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, as
+true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it;
+to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find that
+they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily
+this is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could
+but any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly
+the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull an
+intention of you their children.
+
+And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable,
+then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily
+gain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life.
+'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds also
+sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for the
+most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the
+destruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part of
+their lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest.
+If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships at
+sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they will
+assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are
+also so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes
+them very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to be
+feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself
+might come to be lost.
+
+But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for
+every moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who
+buy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and
+trust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is brought
+home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought to
+bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure
+can there be then this?
+
+Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant
+to your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so
+by degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the
+customers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers,
+and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain to
+as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself.
+
+You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in
+this choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally for
+your self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that death
+should bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimes
+setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and set
+forward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to have
+children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in the
+same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from
+them, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and
+over whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children.
+
+And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows
+quick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else
+may be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he will
+alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure and
+advantagious.
+
+It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your
+housekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure
+with your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if
+your husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that a
+Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to the
+Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less to
+new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the
+Trade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both
+and junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; but
+little regard must be taken about that, for the importantest must
+alwaies be taken care of.
+
+And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment,
+begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the former
+pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are
+more noble and becoming, _viz._ in the well governing of your Men and
+Maid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they
+be obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going to
+Market with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress it
+to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatly
+drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of
+Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your
+got a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly
+and finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in the
+standing stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy and
+Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever you
+go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home
+again in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you
+have it) to be by your Baby.
+
+And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends
+and neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in
+Bridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you have
+Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion.
+And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you may
+sing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. So
+that you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, tho
+you be a little tied to a Shop.
+
+This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some
+of the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop,
+and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make
+that you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers.
+
+O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is
+otherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by
+his friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at
+first seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutely
+contented.
+
+O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent
+upon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of
+Wedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very well
+be said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth.
+
+Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too
+monstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be
+found in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible,
+melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vail
+their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Minerals
+as soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others.
+
+Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht
+upon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French
+Manufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much
+better, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied and
+Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, Bon
+Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek
+and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine;
+which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast,
+and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procure
+as many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiar
+acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away much
+mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and
+Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she
+received an honourable visit.
+
+O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife!
+that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit and
+necessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jot
+out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing and
+delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.
+
+Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne
+Wood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And
+you are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and
+Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by the
+hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiously
+together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you
+would swear it is all of one piece.
+
+Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go
+thus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be,
+at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when this
+trouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted,
+gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.
+
+O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be
+when this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one
+Counter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringing
+commodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring and
+weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enough
+with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the
+Customers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass
+that your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and left
+them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as they
+did, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembred
+Sign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run into
+your Neighbors Shops.
+
+I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper,
+first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson,
+but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name,
+of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to the
+generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customed
+Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the
+sign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy
+whose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinction
+between them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, which
+also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only among
+the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among
+Coachmen, Wagoners, and others.
+
+But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our
+new married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the
+earnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and their
+Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, tho
+he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come to
+this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in the
+way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much the
+pleasanter.
+
+For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be
+wanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that must
+be sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also with
+patience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and bad
+paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promised
+Portion.
+
+Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made
+his full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised
+Portion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally ready
+told of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will pay
+my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, when
+there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are better
+furnisht, will then give him the principal.
+
+And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since
+other mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an
+answer, _With young men must be promised, and with daughters must be
+given._ And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as by
+example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound,
+whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give in
+marriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes to
+nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive and
+hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians.
+
+It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are
+discovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come
+to the true pleasure.
+
+But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side,
+you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend your
+principal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate,
+for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more in
+gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estate
+could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues
+thereof received and consumed long before they were due.
+
+'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is
+this approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her
+Guardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in.
+But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition than
+he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in her
+apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there's
+not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to
+be paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides
+apparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinary
+pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many
+hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that
+otherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one
+may easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and that
+Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in search
+of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the
+Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a
+very close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten
+double salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they can
+but help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; and
+afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match.
+But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with,
+is well known to the whole World.
+
+You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim
+to possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting
+voices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon
+the _Scylla_ and _Charibdis_ where the Hellish Furies seem to keep
+their habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, and
+such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards both
+Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.
+
+[Illustration: 27 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now to
+their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy such
+multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of
+kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast
+Estate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate,
+there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together in
+it; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part the
+imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND PLEASURE.
+
+_The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the
+Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions._
+
+
+Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two,
+sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together,
+how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith
+the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew
+and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights.
+
+Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the
+longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their
+affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow
+some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things
+in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall
+alwaies live thus, _Salamander_-like in the fire, without being ever
+indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean
+while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married
+Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall
+brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.
+
+But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other
+pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind
+imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here
+it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the
+young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the
+more frank and jocund.
+
+    _So, that to us, her countenance doth display
+    Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day._
+
+But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self
+insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new
+married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the
+very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon
+Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of
+a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks,
+and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.
+
+And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that
+he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid
+their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But
+his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he
+ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.
+
+But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and
+drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself
+inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that
+by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them
+understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;
+and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from
+your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal,
+or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he,
+if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily.
+
+Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night
+discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has
+walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best
+for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so
+from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family
+duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the
+matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of
+Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink
+Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack.
+
+Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers
+affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he
+resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to
+that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or
+that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby
+commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as
+if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and
+down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it
+himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate
+instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary
+delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a
+huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid
+Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.
+
+But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather
+weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who
+immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty
+or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old
+Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a
+time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent
+for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples
+of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.
+
+But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife;
+therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German
+Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his
+country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr
+zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des
+Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
+Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze
+kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht,
+aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret
+warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal
+tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
+triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und
+Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch
+gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe
+und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel
+gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es
+is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und
+mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich
+zein._
+
+_In English thus._
+
+Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in
+the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree,
+if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of
+sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously
+cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and
+take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use
+of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with
+fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps
+and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and
+Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately
+Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you
+will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
+acceptable to your dearly beloved.
+
+Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter,
+and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of
+words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth,
+for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is
+therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling
+and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him
+take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker
+and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
+for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him,
+that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins
+of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm
+to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him
+that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c.
+Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground
+of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.
+
+O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward,
+it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor,
+who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails
+to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery
+of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to
+account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
+Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the
+tiding of a new Bankrupt.
+
+But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for
+nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new
+remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.
+
+    Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij._
+
+And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and
+Tansies, &c.
+
+Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this
+manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is
+not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
+come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of
+consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken
+such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so
+powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband
+who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly
+sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and
+mollifie it with showers of tears.
+
+But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with
+this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it
+known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you
+before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and
+instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir,
+we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half
+your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your
+wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate
+Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the
+like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives
+lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor
+hath taken so much the better care for it.
+
+Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the
+same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last
+receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.
+
+And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce
+abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast
+up a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be most
+cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to
+hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to
+the further matter of fact.
+
+For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the last
+Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through
+Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'd
+so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truth
+Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were
+troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in
+through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
+you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too
+true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks
+or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing
+a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master
+_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get
+as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running
+behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into
+France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
+together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then
+when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you
+and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good
+advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell
+together, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump,
+that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired
+mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.
+
+At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having
+toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh
+Kan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to be
+familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom
+bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon,
+as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very
+cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads,
+that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy;
+having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.
+
+But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take
+some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
+privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her
+displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise
+of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling,
+answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he
+hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
+know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will
+have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear
+anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.
+
+A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and
+walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of
+Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt,
+Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the
+t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep.
+What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
+answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes
+Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said)
+alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!
+
+There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon a
+new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to
+break of.
+
+But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the
+Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith,
+Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by
+my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel,
+saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not
+without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband
+hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of
+Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.
+
+But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the
+Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as
+it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you
+expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are
+yet other Nuts to be krackt.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD PLEASURE.
+
+_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's
+sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing._
+
+
+It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel
+striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made
+and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying
+in.
+
+[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes
+a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a
+journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers
+in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which
+means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of
+his Shop-keeping.
+
+Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their
+loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young
+woman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume her
+self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer
+this.
+
+Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of
+mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not
+then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible
+and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these
+two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number
+of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are
+used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the
+reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these
+effeminate passions.
+
+Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between
+her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and
+using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart
+merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
+bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she,
+suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with
+me!
+
+But because time and good company help to decline and pass away
+sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit
+opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good
+acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to
+come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
+have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times
+with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that
+she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And
+she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because
+one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her
+Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
+pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for
+trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat
+she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with
+this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty
+Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a
+gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and
+acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.
+
+To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies
+appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer
+themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their
+Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of
+themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done
+and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
+mony as well as her husband.
+
+Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a
+Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake
+Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to
+stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid
+Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and
+_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt
+to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook
+must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must
+run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves,
+Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun,
+and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all
+those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be
+a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of
+Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because
+they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that
+bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
+but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town,
+and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats
+so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day
+following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part
+once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what
+will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this
+three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the
+Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat
+hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and
+in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters,
+and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be
+fetcht ne'r so far.
+
+Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago
+was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly
+there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then
+womens tears!
+
+But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently,
+therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover
+there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
+Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their
+Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the
+sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to
+be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the
+Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had
+not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the
+pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there
+was no looking for them.
+
+Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in
+sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have
+been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but
+now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber,
+Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest
+Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
+their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked.
+They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that
+in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf,
+Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one
+of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to
+act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to
+discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as
+these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never
+seen that they practised this lesson themselves.
+
+But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing
+of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School,
+and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants,
+who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in,
+and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses
+footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
+together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that
+we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures
+of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.
+
+Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease,
+will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal
+should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby
+will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in
+private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a
+publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort
+of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
+gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry
+roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.
+
+But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered
+with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or
+another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences,
+serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very
+indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do
+arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner
+
+    _Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
+    Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._
+
+Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the
+delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be
+in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies:
+For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in
+their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses
+dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
+done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they
+do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be
+not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very
+courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and
+complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least
+Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards,
+that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then
+again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the
+night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part
+of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they
+dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.
+
+Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very
+artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers
+as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves
+with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever
+they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a
+good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.
+
+Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how
+to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them
+happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this
+continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at
+first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and
+not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into
+their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions
+very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition
+taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance
+to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor
+be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number
+of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may
+there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises,
+so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other
+things plenty, for little or nothing.
+
+But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations,
+that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our
+kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about
+the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole
+bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible
+amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have
+received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and
+conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its
+cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not
+able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the
+company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be
+at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must,
+with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or
+sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting,
+every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins,
+that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it
+by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and
+wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that
+the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so
+much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
+finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of
+joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions
+are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other
+side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all
+things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.
+
+All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in
+th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an
+cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that
+they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O
+mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into
+this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
+further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is
+preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.
+
+[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._
+
+
+As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner,
+the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the
+greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities
+Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed
+or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry
+white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
+stars.
+
+It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable
+multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure,
+that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of
+Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.
+
+You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you
+have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want
+the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it
+safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free
+dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in
+between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!
+
+Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal
+of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the
+preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and
+taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally
+hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
+coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out
+of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten
+times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither
+for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but
+dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which
+sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall
+have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.
+
+And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very
+subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above
+all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a
+great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And
+then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to
+be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
+should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that
+the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping
+are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is
+impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a
+Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot
+to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it
+is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony,
+to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when
+her husband is gone from home.
+
+And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great
+sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must
+be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with
+every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch
+that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is
+needful for his occasion from his Wife.
+
+Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies
+see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good
+observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for
+Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or
+increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and
+she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and
+understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be
+gotten forward or gone backward in the World.
+
+And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath
+alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to
+all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within
+dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
+hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress,
+&c.
+
+With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel
+know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true
+pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while
+busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and
+self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and
+guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That
+it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is,
+whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but
+added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into
+an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be
+striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
+imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these
+reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept
+as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest
+they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived
+of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name
+but cannot obtain the effect.
+
+In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by
+clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and
+makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of
+the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly
+flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to
+deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with
+abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make
+some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which
+makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to
+give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.
+
+And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth
+so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him
+pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means
+making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge,
+though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if
+she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes
+to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as
+modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases
+her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty
+acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some
+petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and
+tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but
+that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had
+for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that
+perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.
+
+Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins
+to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making
+thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the
+cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and
+finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be
+short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on,
+though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear
+it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like
+other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.
+
+In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can,
+and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times
+there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats,
+Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and
+habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease
+of some friend, &c.
+
+Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband,
+imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it
+all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd
+Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and
+means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to
+the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a
+pain, patience is the best remedy.
+
+But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_,
+have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of
+your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in
+each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality,
+interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies;
+the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife
+wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt
+but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.
+
+And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at
+Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the
+occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and
+therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to
+Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime,
+delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many
+great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that
+they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great
+sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very
+prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner,
+Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully
+after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one
+year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread;
+and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their
+Lords and husbands.
+
+These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the
+Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of
+my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that
+her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.
+
+But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are
+shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like
+manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and
+every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he
+hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half
+finished are weary of it. Therefore
+
+    _To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,
+    For many do repent, untill that they be dead;
+    But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,
+    A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._
+
+[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and
+loss of time is discovered._
+
+
+Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most
+cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind
+and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the
+Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the
+occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and
+Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is
+many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self
+like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the
+Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things
+must run to a total destruction.
+
+Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost
+indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their
+affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are
+earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live
+honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children
+and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a
+laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of
+diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no
+evening too late for them.
+
+But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent
+of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a
+Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and
+about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in
+his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can
+blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far,
+that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his
+whole delight ought to be.
+
+If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study,
+because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see
+what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take
+yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would
+certainly be a dead man, &c.
+
+And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend,
+who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the
+very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong
+liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next
+morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty
+glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then
+to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him,
+it causes the better operation.
+
+Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he
+takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the
+Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for
+it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.
+
+For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to
+visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient
+walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other
+in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!
+
+Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are
+all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another,
+to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily
+concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the
+contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of
+Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal
+worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in
+the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of
+Wine.
+
+Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen,
+accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest
+Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in
+Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do
+in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full
+purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own.
+And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns;
+they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to
+chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this
+part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning,
+they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their
+wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and
+agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment
+received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries
+mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long,
+till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt
+up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner
+leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.
+
+By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves;
+making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other
+Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will,
+or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other
+end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at
+Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then
+they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there
+to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half
+carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that
+they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus
+all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.
+
+The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and
+others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but
+the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some
+Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings,
+or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath
+not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or
+occasion for any such sort of businesses.
+
+And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these
+sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to
+have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to
+obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much
+tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs
+and business to be imploied therein.
+
+Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others,
+oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and
+Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the
+arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and
+Wares, are risen or fallen in price.
+
+Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their
+Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an
+hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the
+Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though
+it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek
+some Pot-Companions.
+
+These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the
+Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the
+Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish
+Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there
+is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable
+of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock
+strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were
+never so late.
+
+There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go
+out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures
+for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with
+selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and
+talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and
+call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water
+Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua
+mirabilis.
+
+And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason
+that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of
+the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their
+afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and
+Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are
+early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the
+Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that
+more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found
+at the Playhouses.
+
+Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures
+in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along
+the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and
+at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their
+Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal
+of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to
+be chatting and chaffering with.
+
+These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and
+Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all
+their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the
+very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of
+their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and
+Counting-houses.
+
+Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts,
+spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and
+all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home
+they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the
+World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a
+gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.
+
+    _No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,
+    Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._
+
+Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the
+forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there,
+and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their
+Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their
+Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon
+the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending
+the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts,
+Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers,
+and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young
+ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run
+to destruction.
+
+But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon
+certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the
+Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three
+hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend
+there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport.
+Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are
+forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops
+either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most
+convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if
+they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great
+valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty
+imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that
+his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John
+Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks
+before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire
+Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.
+
+Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers,
+coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the
+Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to
+fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in
+his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but
+seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of
+Guinneys.
+
+Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep
+alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit;
+never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary
+dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs
+too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his
+reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their
+Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour
+of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each
+Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers,
+half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the
+reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and
+chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to
+be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best
+places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen,
+in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching
+the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations,
+Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or
+heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.
+
+It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a
+Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part
+must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty
+of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went
+away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all
+spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth
+then the mony.
+
+In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with
+the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for
+the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in
+Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the
+Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage
+on the mens side.
+
+But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath
+more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the
+feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good
+Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the
+pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their
+fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the
+more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the
+less.
+
+And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies
+him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about
+the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he
+did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be
+a much more rare and pleasant sight.
+
+There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that
+consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with
+Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with
+Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their
+Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound,
+and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they
+hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and
+there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh
+in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the
+Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go
+themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like
+beasts then men.
+
+This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs
+at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be
+screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers;
+though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away
+they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then
+the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at
+her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the
+belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is
+much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching
+him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with
+little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the
+Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under
+the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and
+roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie
+caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this
+most noble victory.
+
+Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the
+Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns
+him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the
+Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up
+to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small
+joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then
+there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the
+Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being
+furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his
+paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs;
+there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the
+stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no
+mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth
+him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.
+
+But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate
+the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing
+temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes
+do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never
+so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:
+
+    _When Women long, it harms by chance,
+    But mens desire's a worser dance._
+
+And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to
+Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon
+day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of
+Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece,
+and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse,
+and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer
+nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd
+persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate
+their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry,
+Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances.
+Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily
+swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to
+send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.
+
+If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some
+pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein,
+that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily
+satisfie their longing appetites.
+
+Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to
+make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies
+so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the
+consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found
+out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of
+an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have
+intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons
+throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least
+symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are
+like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for
+all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and
+when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if
+they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes
+Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the
+Water be changed in to Wine.
+
+Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to
+know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some
+hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what
+news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels,
+or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must
+buy and read them, let it cost what it will.
+
+Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great
+prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of
+the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations
+know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they
+never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the
+weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of
+the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which
+many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and
+touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the
+governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for
+when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
+person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own
+business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.
+
+'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves,
+observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves
+easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle
+salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of
+their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings
+with eys of pleasure.
+
+Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a
+kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are
+infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times,
+and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in
+looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do
+come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.
+
+But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height,
+that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans
+contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely
+perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives
+go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they
+ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to
+the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away,
+concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.
+
+But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two
+agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in
+taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto
+you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad,
+and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall
+tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all
+things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again
+in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take
+delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
+pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.
+
+If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes
+spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for
+you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and
+every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.
+
+You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the
+Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and
+Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out
+of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very
+good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore
+think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will
+have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they
+are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis
+also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their
+affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great
+_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly
+their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
+greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the
+actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of
+his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
+passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at
+night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.
+
+'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of
+love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if
+he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the
+Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to
+a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the
+Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
+happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these
+smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition
+between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and
+Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where
+there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as
+soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight,
+that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the
+t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine
+that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should
+live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay,
+if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those
+Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though
+_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would
+make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
+immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that
+you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and
+away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming
+in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is
+taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other
+Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he
+tasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far
+delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he
+acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first
+word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the
+same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
+the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good
+Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All
+good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint.
+Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with
+the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and
+this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by
+the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that
+it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they
+every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
+few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally
+squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but
+keeping them late out from their families; and making them like
+incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when
+they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to
+their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl
+or chide with.
+
+To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter,
+Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they
+commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and
+Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a
+large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
+thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very
+subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and
+advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes
+catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that
+they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they
+stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and
+know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have
+made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let
+them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for
+nothing of grumbling and mumbling.
+
+      _Some sorts of men,
+      Are Tyrants when,
+    Their thirsty Souls are fill'd:
+      They scold sore hot
+      Like_ Peep in th' Pot
+    _And never can be still'd.
+      They talk and prate_
+      At such a rate,
+    And think of nought but evil;
+      They fight and brawl,
+      And Wives do mawl,
+    Though all run for the Divel.
+      But at their draugh,
+      They quaff and laugh
+    Amongst their fellow creatures.
+      They swear and tear
+      And never fear
+    Old _Nick_ in his worst features.
+      Who would but say
+      Then, by the way
+    That Woman is distressed,
+      Who must indure
+      An Epicure
+    With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.
+
+In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are
+hot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the bad
+examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there
+are that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they
+were their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort of
+difference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it,
+know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence and
+respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over
+their children.
+
+Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen,
+and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some
+important affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, that
+his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay as
+deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share of
+all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in
+the ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter,
+drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself
+very diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so long
+that going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fell
+into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said,
+Father! are we not now like brothers?
+
+By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples,
+may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sort
+of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of
+excessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent
+Taverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among good
+acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is but
+seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
+he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the
+highest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times in
+the Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon
+which sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made:
+
+    _Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,
+    Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing._
+
+But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs;
+and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market,
+there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready,
+and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you have
+very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glas
+of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up
+stairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for
+greater Pleasure then this!
+
+O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you can
+keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition is
+there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly
+and well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly
+once in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And although
+it did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions,
+which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, or
+somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they were
+all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief
+and horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it
+self. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance a
+hundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood.
+
+But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young
+Gentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that
+doth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; and
+beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the least
+possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with
+some what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel
+in his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his
+companions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certain
+imbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to be
+discovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.
+
+This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for
+marrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider,
+the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the most
+gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us,
+that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree.
+
+And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike
+natured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together,
+there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction;
+unless it happen that the understanding of the one knows
+extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
+letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may
+the prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the
+Haven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrary
+suffer most miserable Shipwrack.
+
+[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel
+for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured._
+
+
+Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it
+is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming
+that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men
+oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl
+and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill
+name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now
+a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for
+farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to
+see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile.
+
+Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect
+these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of
+the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that
+the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be
+possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you
+had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you
+would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
+be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged;
+for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those
+pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the
+better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the
+gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and
+Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of
+fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
+them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this
+wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury.
+Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are
+descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the
+good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved.
+
+But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we
+consider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not
+in the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part of
+the masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silent
+in Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthing
+to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly,
+that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be
+going hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to
+smoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if
+then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers
+in the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should
+not in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, and
+that she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of his
+Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order,
+and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as
+mention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so
+excessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to get
+notable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselves
+would have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be found
+in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.
+
+O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand,
+to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and
+houskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you,
+as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who would
+not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront
+or bespatter you?
+
+I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that
+will be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken
+Nabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and
+how little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave a
+Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds
+or provocatives they have given her for so doing.
+
+Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad
+natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands,
+had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was
+Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to
+scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and
+to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or
+that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to
+govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no
+means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up
+their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these
+hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands,
+as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would
+be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.
+
+Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and
+all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no
+difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is
+alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your
+husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the
+sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the
+Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you
+could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily
+and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many
+times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and
+grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and
+if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little
+more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of
+fate.
+
+So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first
+and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature,
+thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to
+her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more
+increase in matters of the housekeeping.
+
+But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having
+bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be
+his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and
+mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome
+he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove
+this, which was in some measure done.
+
+But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a
+couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but
+the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of
+them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back
+again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the
+cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made
+ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and
+dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he
+came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and
+must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary
+persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the
+ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife,
+frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the
+breeches solely to his wife.
+
+Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent
+handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured
+Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a
+Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and
+chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet
+expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage;
+yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings.
+But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and
+that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and
+catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence,
+that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the
+remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father
+and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured
+obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the
+intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce
+concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again
+her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay
+his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they
+are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.
+
+Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good
+mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her
+authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that
+in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt,
+and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The
+incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this
+martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to
+cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of
+him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her
+three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew
+Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she
+on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and
+fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the
+head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who
+can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to
+feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the
+more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily
+replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women,
+who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks,
+and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will
+be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being
+married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their
+masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their
+husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that
+there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon
+the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind
+compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand
+wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and
+ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it
+were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.
+
+O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your
+hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what
+means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind
+actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the
+main Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through this
+short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life,
+what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned
+upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?
+
+Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves
+to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or
+strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace
+their kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty.
+
+But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of
+so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will,
+contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a
+pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a
+proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a
+mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues.
+
+This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when
+he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with
+their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an
+inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage
+by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious
+remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and
+cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues
+might in brightness and splendor surpass others.
+
+Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts
+of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is
+beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know
+her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in
+marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring
+Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of
+marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast
+your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the
+Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable
+in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered
+brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune and
+tranquility.
+
+Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the
+Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.
+
+Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and
+imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to
+obey.
+
+Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one
+finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and
+self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner
+than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.
+
+Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own
+Master.
+
+Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently
+considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.
+
+Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in
+love, was not given to the Gods themselves.
+
+Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before
+she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn
+to make a cursie.
+
+If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke
+of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all
+the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.
+
+If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they
+will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a
+slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this
+time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to
+hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or
+expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he
+said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they
+be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be
+unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if
+they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be
+perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very
+vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a
+price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.
+
+And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there
+be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd
+against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as
+they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you
+have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times,
+never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who
+will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken
+of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.
+
+Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.
+
+Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of
+a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation
+will tumble.
+
+Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction.
+For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.
+
+Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of
+such as are of an evill reput.
+
+    _To be a lover of such houses,
+    Makes him to think of other Spouses._
+
+If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.
+
+Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay
+their very gain is loss.
+
+Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are
+fit for nothing.
+
+If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband.
+Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and
+nature is given unto him.
+
+In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the
+expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is
+subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in
+the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were
+a Looking-glass.
+
+
+
+
+THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave
+housekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their
+Children._
+
+
+It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing
+flourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a
+whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house;
+and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort
+it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems
+that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our
+dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our
+Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough
+to complain.
+
+And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already,
+in that short time that you have been married, experience that things
+do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true
+you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest
+of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with
+those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so
+much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.
+
+[Illustration: 135 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they
+were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality,
+to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet
+there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul
+because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is
+esteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight in
+it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they may
+keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children
+indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are
+imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are
+worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered
+much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then
+the others before was.
+
+O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess
+now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their
+plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then
+theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by
+consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the
+easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many
+knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats.
+
+Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you
+can hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort your
+selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your
+marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as
+diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and
+good Trading.
+
+But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then
+increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad
+paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at
+home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is
+Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their
+Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the
+Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration
+of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies
+in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the
+Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look
+upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.
+
+Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of
+Exchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea,
+and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the
+Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, and
+provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several
+other sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting.
+Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding
+the year in Pleasure.
+
+But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you
+live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these
+affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures.
+
+Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and
+have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things
+were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle
+fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding,
+and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your
+Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about your
+Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you
+are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And
+great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you.
+
+Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but
+observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect
+and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with
+honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father
+you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if
+your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this
+your advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage.
+For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with
+them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to
+the World.
+
+Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid
+great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to
+consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less
+price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or
+two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet
+with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in
+besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to
+Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work
+accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your
+house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate
+some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable
+and delightfull to be heard.
+
+Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath
+not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased
+her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good
+company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in
+Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may
+learn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are
+accompanied with?
+
+But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such
+guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general
+imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is
+pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide
+such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never
+so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but
+they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and
+that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all
+what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and
+nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more,
+you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It
+happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners
+after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more
+work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides.
+
+This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any
+thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in
+the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns;
+where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest
+people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that sees
+them either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able
+to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights;
+and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to
+debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private
+chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.
+
+But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the
+mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is
+alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because
+the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of
+housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent
+mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.
+
+Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and
+behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is
+advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you will
+find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a
+transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of
+your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of
+large Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and
+Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever
+else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her
+sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare
+all things, and to take care that there may not so much as a match
+negligently be thrown away.
+
+Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of
+knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the
+streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget
+and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time,
+before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be put
+to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of
+walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now
+on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things,
+and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much
+as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never
+thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her
+delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and
+servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and
+setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with
+this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough
+ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the
+service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before
+she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave
+houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough
+stoutly.
+
+O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so
+many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in
+that most illustrious School!
+
+'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will
+say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of
+when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so
+costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat!
+alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this
+the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make
+a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and
+her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily
+and sluttishly at her house.
+
+'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse
+the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O
+well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten
+such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple
+Clouds.
+
+But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow
+comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and
+suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling
+with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice of
+every dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no
+understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies
+standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all
+covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows
+are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them.
+Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by
+reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their
+houskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger of
+breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these
+ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no
+body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are
+seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the
+occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and
+sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins
+out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and
+seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the
+sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that
+all is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to their
+Creditors.
+
+Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the
+unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others:
+And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like a
+prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and
+delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution,
+diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting
+up of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will so
+root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and
+grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the
+good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your
+children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your
+footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough,
+thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if
+it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst
+Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.
+
+[Illustration: 151 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he
+hath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a
+Scholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a
+Schollerlike life is._
+
+
+Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is
+none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up
+healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon
+open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish,
+as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the
+clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion;
+insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their
+teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow
+up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs
+have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little
+bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son
+to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her
+caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin.
+
+Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to
+another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and
+courteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example!
+But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases,
+that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.
+
+Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son;
+for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or
+Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors
+sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which
+purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out
+of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such
+a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the
+night for it.
+
+What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the
+necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it,
+and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps
+it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a
+mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune
+consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away
+he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk
+furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and
+sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot.
+
+Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he
+wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent,
+sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do
+but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and
+pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew
+him their great love and affection.
+
+But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no
+small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to
+so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never
+at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust
+by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her
+needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such
+sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain,
+when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop.
+
+This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home,
+gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks
+such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but
+to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is
+but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of
+Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein
+yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means
+resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up
+in the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of her
+husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is
+yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what
+a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of
+his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a
+month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the
+City must have one or other penalty paid them.
+
+Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less
+melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he
+can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all
+diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the
+Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the
+evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a
+pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have
+experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their
+son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with
+severall natural and kind reproofs.
+
+'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink.
+What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.
+
+    _The son his mind to study is full bent,
+    Or else will live upon his yearly rent._
+
+Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience.
+Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be
+conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the
+ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is
+worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how
+to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So
+that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.
+
+    _The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,
+    Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._
+
+Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will,
+the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and
+there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of
+the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so
+nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull
+Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And
+moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately
+he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch,
+was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary
+intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him
+go out again.
+
+A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning
+letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the
+Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he
+wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an
+extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without
+suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.
+
+For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies
+they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies,
+Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to,
+unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very
+learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at
+Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his
+promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired
+more.
+
+But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so
+perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother
+merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance,
+that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes
+of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth;
+and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry
+together.
+
+Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to
+sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very
+neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that
+will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink,
+smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do,
+touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable
+statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written
+thus before my Chamber of Books:
+
+    _Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,
+    One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._
+
+The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good
+hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be
+expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary
+and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their
+son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the
+more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of
+mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some
+antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and
+their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad
+accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the
+Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage,
+and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist
+because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated
+by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.
+
+This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if
+there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to
+see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible
+augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and
+wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by
+all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.
+
+As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they
+come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only
+concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places
+also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps
+may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is
+therefore at present clapt up.
+
+Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four
+Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor,
+and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their
+absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly
+weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to
+expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And
+he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be
+neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they
+took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it
+looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the
+Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but
+said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little
+mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted
+my delicately painted house.
+
+But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies
+abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students
+generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst
+other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the
+covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of
+them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor
+made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the
+Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man.
+Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very
+cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.
+
+Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of
+mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example,
+for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this
+trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged,
+and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets
+hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the
+malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean
+while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if
+they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of
+them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that
+there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run
+forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators
+increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding
+it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets,
+cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived,
+till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I
+know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a
+Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities
+that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for
+them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the
+throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not
+trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his
+doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take
+them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat;
+in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth,
+buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay,
+saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown
+pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body
+else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by
+the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces
+which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he
+began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the
+Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The
+Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my
+own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the
+Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably
+beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.
+
+By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is
+true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom
+Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to
+be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother,
+whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off;
+write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his
+Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him;
+therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all
+possible speed immediately come thither, &c.
+
+Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter
+delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least
+distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while,
+these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the
+Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber,
+away they went without paying.
+
+To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far
+from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and
+bound her to a Post.
+
+'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since
+they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these
+Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there
+came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad
+to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors
+Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off
+these planks, tear up this Post, &c.
+
+In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon;
+begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him
+those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so
+poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting
+him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.
+
+Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in
+what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and
+understands that they were Students which had taken their march
+towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man
+with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away
+runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order
+to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be
+examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with
+two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white
+Letters.
+
+    _Garden-Theef._
+
+These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till
+they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer
+such shame and punishment for his winter firing.
+
+Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had
+taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but
+hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it
+before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of
+them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night
+Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the
+Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in
+peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.
+
+Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live
+in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are
+Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from
+these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that
+all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and
+disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked
+pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal
+Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of
+Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such
+multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it
+all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they
+can eat or carry away.
+
+And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in
+Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to
+commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they
+can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at,
+and esteemed to be an heroick act.
+
+It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little
+boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite,
+which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The
+Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy,
+then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of
+the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his
+middle in a great many knots, then went their way.
+
+Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the
+Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold
+back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious
+blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let
+fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was
+unhappily drowned.
+
+It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the
+petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents,
+each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one
+acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness,
+lavishness, and troublesomness.
+
+Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the
+World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and
+Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is
+an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from
+their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And
+though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or
+other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than
+ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long
+till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it
+apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life,
+or else flies his Country, to save it.
+
+Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole
+nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away
+Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close
+with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then
+senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling
+and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a
+Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his
+voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become
+learned Doctors.
+
+Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential
+Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths,
+books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to
+their Parents soundly peppered.
+
+Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their
+Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without
+the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
+promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a
+daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which
+knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and
+mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda
+is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well
+how to empty the Students Pockets.
+
+Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are
+indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that
+their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in
+his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because
+they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a
+very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of
+those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.
+
+But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their
+wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long
+time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court
+Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other
+vocation, be cast in their teeth.
+
+Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave
+themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that
+it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves.
+But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
+commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but
+fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some
+considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours,
+perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a
+rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage
+or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means
+will hardly maintain them.
+
+If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs
+away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he
+hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his
+Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first
+Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if
+their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been
+obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!
+
+But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents;
+yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason
+that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their
+Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in
+the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.
+
+These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the
+full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and
+have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while,
+all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness,
+cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To
+that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
+curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece
+of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over
+shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the
+beholders.
+
+These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City
+Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener
+Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men,
+then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.
+
+This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination
+towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and
+indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make
+use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come
+to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage
+this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.
+Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with
+his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the
+Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means
+marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the
+Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than
+Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at
+home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and
+tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected,
+occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings
+up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that
+it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the
+Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a
+horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well
+married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.
+
+You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks
+and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a
+liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not
+brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he
+is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will,
+when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
+him to be a great man.
+
+[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest
+and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be
+noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we
+could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the
+revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.
+
+Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession
+of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the
+contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your
+Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed.
+For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own
+spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities;
+because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
+Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+THE NINTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._
+
+
+'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children
+take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils;
+the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and
+the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they
+appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we
+perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and
+that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant
+Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest
+Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.
+
+So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and
+airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or
+rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow
+to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are
+natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your
+expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a
+Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush
+Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several
+examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to
+be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large
+prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do
+herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.
+
+But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which
+house-keeping people have not only from children, but from
+base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done
+unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and
+stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base
+Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the
+Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm
+all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
+it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due
+obedience.
+
+Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have
+gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss;
+immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over
+her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she
+knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to
+order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them,
+and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and
+that so_.
+
+And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this
+some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again
+as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing
+Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if
+their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases
+them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with
+the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.
+
+But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a
+service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks
+sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's
+damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will
+not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her
+hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as I
+command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your
+Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must
+hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c._
+
+How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no
+sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out
+servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses
+insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by
+some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the
+ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves
+Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her
+Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.
+
+Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means
+to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service,
+and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to
+turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then
+to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient
+for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be
+near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.
+
+Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a
+Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own
+mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess.
+Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and
+watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and
+neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good
+humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves
+Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To
+which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and
+again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes
+to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side
+with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with
+the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with
+a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master,
+to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to
+rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of
+inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master
+have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare
+him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some
+indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty
+merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there,
+Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this
+bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it._ Whereupon the Maid
+answered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I
+must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it._ The
+answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms,
+throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite
+of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married,
+then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she
+had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.
+
+But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view
+what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with
+her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very
+honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security
+for her fidelity.
+
+Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss
+perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the
+better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a
+glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back,
+but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before
+she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over
+the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that
+soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as
+she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the
+Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was
+impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can
+abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep
+come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three
+daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more
+mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup
+to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody
+Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she
+is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an
+Angel a year the more wages for it.
+
+But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other
+causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to
+go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in
+the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the
+children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither
+is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other
+may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on
+Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I
+should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good
+opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.
+
+She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that
+she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to
+retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had
+been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but
+the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her
+physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs,
+that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would
+not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same
+time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner
+prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire,
+that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that
+her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least
+fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and
+Fairing.
+
+Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and
+Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould;
+for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the
+t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both
+of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter,
+to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry
+themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew
+themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire
+in one hand and water in the t'other.
+
+These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses,
+with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries;
+keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which
+know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and
+brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and
+basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to
+recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own
+houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as
+precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.
+
+This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they
+cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they
+do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some
+that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain
+that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary
+devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins,
+to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or
+such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their
+fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and
+wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their
+husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what
+delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd
+Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.
+
+These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long
+aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their
+fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the
+Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable
+poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable
+people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable
+and terrible to be related.
+
+By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of
+people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and
+actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast
+quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are
+damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants,
+salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds,
+lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over
+Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish
+Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must,
+therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so
+especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many
+times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of
+the adversities that may befall it.
+
+This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after
+t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in
+again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a
+new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve
+the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a
+tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times
+observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
+
+O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a
+conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth
+and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in
+their own Family.
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous.
+And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be
+divorced._
+
+
+As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people;
+and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on
+the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad
+Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions
+and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets
+their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying
+fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of
+Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the
+emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too
+much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain,
+that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations
+annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this
+it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a
+wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble
+and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship:
+for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat
+to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is
+no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind
+of imperficiency.
+
+[Illustration: 197 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company,
+be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the
+woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling
+and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless
+when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the
+Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else
+credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of
+prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other.
+
+The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And
+for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But
+because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their
+business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out
+their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some
+movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great
+trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the
+commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen
+to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our
+self-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenter
+of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife
+are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading
+in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied;
+and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such
+like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks
+but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do
+contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to
+have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse
+with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl,
+chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars
+then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is
+such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued.
+
+Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know
+how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible
+words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and
+rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove
+their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent
+Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish
+their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.
+
+But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their
+brains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest,
+the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly.
+For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his
+servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife
+lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so
+bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest
+people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut
+many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds
+thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity,
+which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he
+is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would
+be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl,
+scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon
+his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of
+them knowing the least reason in the World for it.
+
+In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his
+wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so
+divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also
+never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his
+nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason
+for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation
+of implacable hatred.
+
+Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is
+a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every
+way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a
+jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth,
+then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in
+his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his
+presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have
+had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where
+this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.
+
+'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such
+Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill
+doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now
+begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband
+is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured;
+and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides,
+that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much
+from those of former times, and especially from them of the first
+year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the
+occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine
+Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away
+by some or other charming Punk.
+
+And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that
+somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had
+just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before
+came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had
+taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he
+related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening,
+with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy
+houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom
+there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to
+suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers.
+
+And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way,
+imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay,
+the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his
+coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest,
+seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is
+so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun,
+and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear
+again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice,
+that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the
+Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a
+shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane,
+or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is
+not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue.
+
+Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in
+these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with
+jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or
+who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the
+dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look
+sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it
+be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab,
+poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the
+love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that
+through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married
+Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together,
+because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth
+such evill fruits.
+
+Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the
+Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united
+and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of
+superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people;
+whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and
+to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each
+other. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding
+married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in
+better tranquility.
+
+But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all
+the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then
+reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and
+Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by
+each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest
+reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples,
+wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble;
+especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and
+reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this
+jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people
+of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some
+which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and
+suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is
+impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in
+the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who
+dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this
+unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to
+be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read
+all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by
+the example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a
+Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net,
+where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these
+following Verses, which she hath sung so many times:
+
+    _You may in sea lanch when you will,
+      To see the boistrous Main,
+    Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,
+      Fore you return again.
+    The married state, is much like this,
+      O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,
+    Yet must be born, see how it is,
+      With tauntings, toils, and losses._
+
+But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors,
+just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses;
+for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designs
+and indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed and
+Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done by
+death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for
+a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it
+might lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of
+his jealousie.
+
+And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between
+him and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that
+those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by
+death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation,
+have just remained alive.
+
+Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent
+Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an
+operation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And
+that they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, that
+they might the better excuse those of their Adversary.
+
+O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a
+Looking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure and
+tranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out of
+their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live long
+together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might
+inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their
+second-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree to
+the whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise the
+folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they have
+more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever
+had; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the
+married estate to be the best and commendablest though some of them
+were married to women, who notably bore the sway.
+
+We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus that
+pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give
+himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief,
+trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary,
+that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understanding
+appears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened by
+marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-married
+Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought
+to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a
+second-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for the
+exhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude with
+that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and Philosopher
+Marcus Aurelius: saying, _Because the life of Man cannot remain
+without Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise,
+and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as much
+as the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in the
+World, have not so much poison spread or contained in their whole
+bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue._
+
+
+THE END OF THE SECOND PART OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The
+Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13872 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13872 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE</h1>
+    <h4>AND THE SECOND PART</h4>
+    <h1>THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE</h1>
+    <h2>Contents</h2>
+    <div class="ctr">
+      <table summary="TOC" border="0">
+        <colgroup span="2">
+          <col align="left" />
+          <col align="right" />
+        </colgroup>
+        <tr>
+          <th colspan="2" align="center">THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE</th>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>INTRODUCTION</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_v">v</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>Publisher's Preface</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_xvii">xvii</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>To the READER</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_xx">xx</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE TEN PLEASURES</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE FIRST PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE SECOND PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_24">24</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE THIRD PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_34">34</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE FOURTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE FIFTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_56">56</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE SIXTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE SEVENTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE EIGHTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE NINTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_97">97</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE TENTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>&nbsp;</td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>A LETTER</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_132">132</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>&nbsp;</td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <th colspan="2">THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE</th>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>To the READER</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_143">143</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>INTRODUCTION</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The First Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_147">147</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Second Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Third Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_170">170</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Fourth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_181">181</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Fifth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_189">189</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Sixth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_215">215</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Seventh Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_228">228</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Eighth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Ninth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_259">259</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Tenth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_270">270</a></td>
+        </tr>
+      </table>
+    </div>
+    <p><em>Transcriber's Note : Title and Contents above were not part of the original
+    book, but are provided for the convenience of the reader.</em></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/title1.png"><img src="images/title1_th.jpg"
+    alt="THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE" title="" /></a><br />
+    THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE<br />
+    Printed at London 1682.<br />
+    <i>Published by The Navarre Society, London.</i></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1>THE TEN PLEASURES OF<br />
+    MARRIAGE</h1>
+    <h4>AND THE SECOND PART</h4>
+    <h1>THE CONFESSION OF THE<br />
+    NEW MARRIED COUPLE</h1>
+    <h4>ATTRIBUTED TO</h4>
+    <h3>APHRA BEHN</h3>
+    <h4><i>REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION</i></h4>
+    <h4>BY</h4>
+    <h3>JOHN HARVEY</h3>
+    <h4>AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES</h4>
+    <h4>AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES</h4>
+    <h4>RE-ENGRAVED</h4>
+    <h4>LONDON: MCMXXII</h4>
+    <h4><i>PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED</i></h4>
+    <h5><i>Printed in Great Britain</i></h5>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h2><a id="Page_v" name="Page_v"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+    <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he Restoration brought back to
+    England something more than a king and the theatre. It renewed in English life the
+    robust vitality of humour which had been repressed under the
+    Commonwealth&mdash;though, in spite of repression, there were, even among the Puritan
+    divines, men like the author of <i>Joanereidos</i>, whose self-expression ran the
+    whole gamut from freedom to licentiousness.</p>
+    <p>It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be vividly
+    concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the chronicler of <i>The Ten
+    Pleasures of Marriage</i> revives the opprobrious term for a
+    tailor&mdash;"pricklouse": the whole history of the English woollen industry and of
+    the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic architecture is in the nickname. Or a single
+    phrase can light up an idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is
+    running up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests itself
+    sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux metagrobolized Rabelais into
+    something almost more tumescent and overwhelming than the original. In that<a
+    id="Page_vi" name="Page_vi"></a> vein of humour the present work frequently runs. The
+    author is as ready to pile up his epithets as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he
+    says, "for then you'll have an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and
+    Prittle-pratler, less than you had before."</p>
+    <p>It is, in fact, as an example of English humour&mdash;exaggerated, no doubt, by
+    the reaction from Puritanism&mdash;that <i>The Ten Pleasures of Marriage</i> should
+    be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it is of uncertain parentage and
+    must own to foreign kin. A well-known but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally
+    rare book is Antoine de la Salle's <i>Quinze Joies de Mariage</i>. It seems possible
+    that this was translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which <i>The Ten
+    Pleasures</i> was published&mdash;1682-1683&mdash;the following work was registered
+    at Stationers' Hall: <i>The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts of matrimony,
+    being in requital of the late fifteen</i> sham <i>comforts</i>. Moreover, <i>The Ten
+    Pleasures</i> was in all probability printed abroad&mdash;Hazlitt thinks at The Hague
+    or Amsterdam. The very first page in the original edition contains one of several
+    hints of Batavian production&mdash;"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious
+    allusion to the great French poet, Cl&eacute;ment Marot, may also suggest a temporary
+    foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known to<a
+    id="Page_vii" name="Page_vii"></a> English readers in the seventeenth century, the
+    exact reference of the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on
+    the fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem <i>Colloque de
+    l'abb&eacute; et de la femme s&ccedil;avante</i>; and Marot certainly wrote about
+    women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure in English literary
+    allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact suggests at least familiarity with
+    the literature of other countries.</p>
+    <p>But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in general and
+    in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as it was in the days before
+    our grandfathers decided that the human body was an obscene thing and its functions
+    deplorable. It has the middle-class love of good food&mdash;Colchester oysters
+    (famous then as now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges,
+    comfits, pancakes&mdash;enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid English
+    furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians" (valences), "daslles"
+    (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the
+    fuss of preparation for childbirth&mdash;the accumulations of wrappings, the
+    obstetric furniture, the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic
+    ancestors of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig&mdash;why, the haste to fetch the
+    midwife at the crisis might almost be the <a id="Page_viii"
+    name="Page_viii"></a>foundation upon which Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff,
+    Esq., to Kingsgate Street, High Holborn.</p>
+    <p>It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average fairly prosperous
+    English life&mdash;the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the sea-captain's. The author
+    clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had
+    to be fully written up for scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts.
+    (But the pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of
+    business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief description of
+    his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to some extent, has a certain life
+    in it, as if the writer, embittered, was recalling his own youthful experience.) He
+    knew, too, what to-day we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a
+    merchant's business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the actual
+    supply of material&mdash;"what commodities are arrived or expected," and whether tea
+    is up &frac12;d. or tin &frac34;d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The commercial world
+    changes only its methods of communication and expression.</p>
+    <p>The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary interest. From
+    the literary point of view, it is a near descendant&mdash;collateral, if not direct,
+    and anyhow based <a id="Page_ix" name="Page_ix"></a>on the same English empirical
+    humour of life&mdash;of Thomas Overbury's <i>A Wife</i> (1614&mdash;only one unique
+    copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's <i>Microcosmographie</i> (1628), in
+    prose, and Thomas Bastard's <i>Chrestoleros</i>* (1598), in verse. It is an early
+    instance of the stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material
+    previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is directly in the
+    succession which in the end produced what is perhaps the most enduring and individual
+    phenomenon in our literature&mdash;the English novel.</p>
+    <div class="blkquot">
+      <p>* A copy of the very rare first edition fetched &pound;155 at the Britwell sale
+      in February 1922.</p>
+    </div>
+    <p>Of course the book says things we do not say now openly&mdash;though the
+    traditional <i>corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum</i> which almost all men and even
+    some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from generation to generation,
+    solely by word of mouth, and flickers now and again in <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>. But
+    they were said openly then, and by great writers. There is nothing here so
+    nauseatingly indecent as the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev.
+    the Dean of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are bawdy
+    words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the Summoner or Tom Jones
+    might have used&mdash;less, on the whole. There is no need, to borrow a phrase from
+    <a id="Page_x" name="Page_x"></a>the book's sequel, to "make use of the gesture of
+    casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls will solace their spirits
+    with a little laughter, and never busy their brains with the subversion of Church and
+    State government."</p>
+    <p>Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in his pages
+    like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house for the Puritans, not
+    even, apparently, in the bringing up of his child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's
+    Puritanical Holding-forth" must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no
+    <i>Catechizing of Families</i>&mdash;a discourse published by Richard Baxter in this
+    very year 1683; and the only <i>Compassionate Counsel</i>&mdash;a Baxter pamphlet of
+    1681&mdash;he is likely to offer to young men is to take life lightly, as his hero
+    does, and above all, not to marry.</p>
+    <p>For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is less well
+    sustained in the sequel, <i>The Confession of the New Married Couple</i>, and dropped
+    altogether in the bitter <i>Letter</i> at the end of <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>). It is
+    a savage attack upon women&mdash;upon (to quote a Rabelaisian sentence) "the
+    quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of
+    the female sex." Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots
+    and Shoes, etc., for we find both<a id="Page_xi" name="Page_xi"></a> Merchants and
+    money ready always to buy those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for
+    one of his implications is that women can easily be bought. But he&mdash;if it is a
+    "he"&mdash;is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully&mdash;what are
+    they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well: here are the
+    pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a match&mdash;and look at all the
+    worry of the settlement, in which, by the way, you may often be defrauded. You will
+    get married&mdash;a fine ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of
+    the neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the occasion. You get
+    married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your wife, who will indulge your
+    wishes or not as suits her mood. Your house will be all awry if she has but a slight
+    headache. When the baby comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen
+    and medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father added to the
+    discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your wife will know how "to
+    cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay lady of Covent Garden. And so on.</p>
+    <p>Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression if not in
+    thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of English middle-class
+    life under James II. that the importance of the book lies. Here is the <a
+    id="Page_xii" name="Page_xii"></a>domestic side of what the great diarists and the
+    great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records, those treasuries of
+    private appearances in public, chronicle with the severity of judgment. You have the
+    young couple going (alas that the river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved
+    farther up its own course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and
+    Southwark echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at
+    Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre on Bankside,
+    for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter preached. Or they might go
+    into Kent and pick fruit, even as "beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for
+    its cider and perry, the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only
+    for an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the streets gay with
+    signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but taverns wear to-day&mdash;the
+    sign of the <i>Silkworm</i> or the <i>Sheep</i>, or that fantastic schoolmaster's
+    emblem, the <i>Troubled Pate</i> with a crown upon it. And when they stopped for rest
+    at the sign of a bush upon a pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef,
+    the neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high and crops
+    poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom, and fruits of war. If the
+    impositions <a id="Page_xiii" name="Page_xiii"></a>and taxes run high, the country
+    farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must be given, or
+    else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long ago as 1682?</p>
+    <p>As a <i>genre</i> work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The gradual
+    social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop into stagnation under the
+    first Georges, caused didactic works, guides to manners, housewifery and sport,
+    society handbooks, to proliferate. <i>The Ten Pleasures</i> mentions some standard
+    works, which every good housewife would probably possess&mdash;Nicholas Culpepper's
+    medical handbooks, for instance, and <i>The Complete Cook</i>, which indeed, as part
+    of <i>The Queen's Closet Opened</i>, had reappeared in its natal year 1682-1683. The
+    same year saw the birth of such works as <i>The Complete Courtier</i>, <i>The
+    Complete Compting House</i>, <i>The Gentleman Jockey</i>, <i>The Accomplished Ladies'
+    Delight.</i> Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in readiness for the complacent
+    century about to open. It was also being explored, not only in such works as <i>The
+    Ten Pleasures</i> and <i>The Woman's Advocate</i>, but in others (entered as
+    published, but in many cases not known to be now extant) like <i>The Wonders of the
+    Female World</i>, <i>The Swaggering Damsel</i>, or <i>Several New Curtain
+    Lectures</i>, and <i>Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious
+    dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice</i>&mdash;all produced <a
+    id="Page_xiv" name="Page_xiv"></a>in that same <i>annus mirabilis</i> of outspoken
+    domesticity.</p>
+    <p><i>The Ten Pleasures</i>, apart from its intrinsic interest, is exceptionally
+    important from a book-collector's point of view. It is of the utmost rarity. There is
+    no copy in the British Museum and none in the Cambridge University Library. In fact,
+    there are only two copies known of the whole work&mdash;one in the Bodleian (wanting
+    one plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth Collection had a
+    copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies contain the second
+    part&mdash;<i>The Confession</i>&mdash;and evidently the two parts, though they have
+    separate title pages, and were published at different times, were intended to form a
+    complete work.</p>
+    <p>Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page. A. Marsh
+    cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers' Registers for the
+    period. It may be that Marsh thought it too licentious for registration (an
+    improbable supposition), and so, as Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad.</p>
+    <p>But the initials A.B. at the end of the <i>Letter</i> in the first part may be a
+    clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they are those of Aphra
+    or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first woman to earn her living by her
+    pen. It is true that she was, so to speak, <a id="Page_xv" name="Page_xv"></a>a
+    feminist: the preface and epilogue to her <i>Sir Patient Fancy</i> speak bitterly of
+    those who would not go to her plays because they were by a woman. On the other hand,
+    she had a free pen, to say the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch
+    associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She had herself been
+    on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated a Dutch book on oracles. If the
+    book was printed in Holland, she of all people could get the work done. And she knew
+    the city of London intimately.</p>
+    <p>There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in <i>Sir Patient
+    Fancy</i>, which recall touches in <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>. She introduces a Padua
+    doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her plays, a curious interest in
+    medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is
+    swelling up like the "pipsy" husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping
+    begins to be as ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their
+    mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of mankind." It is
+    not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered moment this singular woman threw
+    herself with malicious joy into an attack on her own sex.</p>
+    <p>"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric deservedly lives. If
+    she wrote <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>, the sort of love she describes <a id="Page_xvi"
+    name="Page_xvi"></a>in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet if we
+    want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart from the curious
+    interest of its rarity, <i>The Ten Pleasures</i> is a sturdy piece of human
+    nature.</p>
+    <h4>JOHN HARVEY.</h4>
+    <hr />
+    <h2><a id="Page_xvii" name="Page_xvii"></a>Publisher's Preface</h2>
+    <p>"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to the Romance
+    of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted by the Navarre Society, is
+    surely proof most positive. The original is a small thick volume; it bears the
+    imprint "London, Printed in the year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that
+    copy lay unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's
+    shop.</p>
+    <p>Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the manners of the
+    commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague, who wondered why he did not
+    know it. After purchasing it he found the reason why&mdash;the Bodleian Library alone
+    possessed a copy of the work (imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only)
+    appeared in the last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present
+    text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above.</p>
+    <p>The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book, which presents
+    pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play which<a id="Page_xviii"
+    name="Page_xviii"></a> Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have
+    written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if so, it may well
+    be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to England foundered in the North Sea,
+    or was sunk by enemy craft. There can be no doubt that such a work would not have
+    escaped the wits of the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention
+    would have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other so
+    likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself.</p>
+    <p>It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time permit, with a
+    Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the industrious and sometimes
+    brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which the Navarre Society believe to be well
+    grounded. They hope that the issue of the book to their subscribers may help to
+    confirm or refute that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex.
+    Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so vividly
+    representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued from the obscurity to
+    which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it and worthily preserved for scholars
+    and amateurs of the future.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1>THE TEN</h1>
+    <h1>PLEASURES</h1>
+    <h1>OF</h1>
+    <h1>MARRIAGE,</h1>
+    <h3><i>Relating</i></h3>
+    <h3>All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of
+    Matrimony.</h3>
+    <h4>Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.</h4>
+    <h4>LONDON,</h4>
+    <h4>Printed in the Year, 1682.</h4>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h3><a id="Page_xx" name="Page_xx"></a>To the READER.</h3>
+    <p>Courteous Reader,</p>
+    <p><i>This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of some spare
+    hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small time, between whiles,
+    hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring down again, still pitching upon the
+    subject of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find
+    somthing worthy of thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as
+    hath never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither canst thou
+    well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat words, as other subjects
+    may be, but only to be clad in plain habit most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I
+    perceive that it please thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor
+    brain'd in the Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will
+    incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same</i> Tune, <i>but I
+    mean to the same</i> Purpose, <i>and apparelled very near the same dress: In the mean
+    time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to this, and give it a gentle reception, from
+    him who is thine. Farewell.</i></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1"></a> The Ten<br />
+    PLEASURES<br />
+    Of<br />
+    MARRIAGE.</h1>
+    <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he Nuptial estate trailing
+    along with it so many cares, troubles &amp; calamities, it is one of the greatest
+    admirations, that people should be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into
+    it. In the younger sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling
+    desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a multiplying glass,
+    it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are once come to the years of knowledge
+    and true understanding should be drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and
+    morrice fooles caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger
+    it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible estate, do, by a
+    decease, cast themselves in again to a second and third time. Truly, if for once any
+    one be through contrary <a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a>imaginations misled, he may
+    expect some hopes of compassion, and alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what
+    comfort, or compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second and
+    third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from speaking, and ty
+    their tongues from complaining, that their miseries might not be more and more
+    burdened with scoffings which they truly merit.</p>
+    <p>And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as well known to
+    every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we see them run into it with
+    such an earnestness, that they are not to be counselled, or kept back from it, with
+    the strength of <i>Hercules</i>; despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid
+    slavery.</p>
+    <p>But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, how they
+    decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all manner of noble exercises, as
+    in keeping time all dancing, singing of musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of
+    several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the
+    learnedst Doctors, &amp;c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any
+    exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors of young
+    Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of more then ordinary
+    beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she
+    is immediately ador'd like a Saint upon an<a name="Page_3" id="Page_3"></a> Altar:
+    And in an instant there is as much beauty and perfection to be seen in her, as ever
+    Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed all together.</p>
+    <p>And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so much money,
+    and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and totally abandoned that they may
+    keep company with a painted Jezebel. They are then hardly arrived at this intitled
+    happiness, but they must begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel
+    whereof, without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to the
+    Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what they shall do to
+    please the Sweet object. Being therewith so tosticated, that all their other business
+    is dispersed, and totally laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the
+    first degree, but also in persons that have received promotion.</p>
+    <p>For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly stragling about
+    his study, even as his sences do, one among another. And if you hear him preach, his
+    whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, which he then turns &amp; winds to Divinity as
+    far as possible it can be fitted.</p>
+    <p>If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own sicknes, that
+    he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of them were lying at deaths
+    dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had appointed certainly <a name="Page_4"
+    id="Page_4"></a>to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no more notice of his
+    Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then if it did not concern him. But if
+    at last he doth come, it is when the wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that
+    the body is incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, or
+    Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.</p>
+    <p>If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to begin and pursue
+    the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in Marriage; that all other suits tho they
+    be to the great detriment of poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly
+    rejected. Then being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his
+    advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with his Mistress,
+    that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. But coming at last, one half
+    of the time that can be spent, is little enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in
+    what state the cause stood at the last meeting. And then having heard what the
+    Plaintif and Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the
+    accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can make any decision
+    of this cause to both your satisfactions.</p>
+    <p>There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say otherwise, but
+    <i>'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready against <a name="Page_5"
+    id="Page_5"></a>the next meeting</i>; and are, with grief at heart, forced to see as
+    much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the whole concern of their
+    debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now discourse of matters of state, and
+    drink a glass about to the health of the King &amp; the prosperity of our Country and
+    all the inhabitants; which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress,
+    he may boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a glass,
+    &amp; I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as ever <i>Nectar</i>
+    and <i>Ambrose</i> could be, that the Poets so highly commend.</p>
+    <p>If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what can the
+    unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they are writing, scribble up
+    a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary clauses, and make long periods; not so
+    much as touching or mentioning the principal business; and if he does, writes it
+    clear contrary to the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills
+    and other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the beginning, nor the
+    middle with either. Which occasions between friends, near relations, and neighbors,
+    great differences, and an implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent
+    and self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and Attorneys.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6"></a>And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has
+    gotten the least smatch of this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he
+    daily neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies a Post
+    or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what Merchandises rise or
+    fall, or what commodities are arrived or expected. And by this means buies in Wares,
+    at such rates, that in few daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them.
+    Nay, this distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a
+    Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and who hardly
+    thrice in ten times make a good voyage.</p>
+    <p>And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a military person
+    happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in Garison, he doth nothing but trick
+    up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge
+    and Warlike deeds; though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will
+    not mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a
+    great deal more that belongs to him.</p>
+    <p>And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with him; and runs
+    so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide fields are too narrow for him.
+    Yea and tho he formerly had (especially by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself
+    like a second<a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a> Mars; yet now he'l play the
+    sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to the end he may, having put on his
+    fine knotted Scarf, and powdered Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable
+    Babe, his Lady Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State
+    affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd <i>Jeronimo</i>.</p>
+    <p>And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with any strong
+    City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of his own Bom, and practises
+    all sorts of waies and means how he shall best make a capitulation, that so leaving
+    the place, he may go again to his fair one.</p>
+    <p>And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, when they are
+    sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring seas doth he not undergo,
+    through an intemperate desire that he hath to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How
+    often doth he hazard his Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an
+    inconstant draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath
+    drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet nevertheless, tho the
+    raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his head, he withstands it all. Nor is
+    the main Ocean, or blustering <i>Boreas</i>, powerfull enough, to cool his raging
+    fire, and drive those damps out of his brain.<a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a> The
+    tempestuousness of the weather, having driven him far out of his course; his only
+    wishes and prayer is, oh, that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his
+    Beacon, those twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things
+    would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were immediately Shipwrackt,
+    and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he
+    happens to see the Coast, oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty
+    weather, and he hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger,
+    that before was so far preserved.</p>
+    <p>And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive Wilderness, he doth
+    nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon his Customers. Spending most part
+    of his time in finical dressing himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach
+    or Pair of Oars to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with
+    what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with waiting upon
+    his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all things, how miserably he
+    neglects it, by which means, shop's not only found without a Master, but the servants
+    without government. And at New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if
+    any body desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he can't
+    spare half an hour to write it out: For <a name="Page_9" id="Page_9"></a>where he
+    goes, where he stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd
+    to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, and then out of
+    an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away
+    all his time, and all his business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.</p>
+    <p>To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner touch the shell
+    of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast the kernel they look for; they
+    feel nothing else then thorns and briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one
+    that thinks he is gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his
+    Mistriss, and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness;
+    immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair; being presently
+    molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or Tutor will not like his person,
+    or that he has not means enough; or else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make
+    choice of another in his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as
+    well as himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a
+    pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And if the other get
+    any advantage of him; then he challenges him to fight; hazarding in that manner his
+    precious life, for the getting of her, who when he had <a name="Page_10"
+    id="Page_10"></a>her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand torments of death and
+    misery. Pray observe what pleasures this introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may
+    we then expect from the marriage it self?</p>
+    <p>Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would not but curse
+    the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging madness? yet Lovers go forward, and
+    please your selves with this imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your
+    hope, you obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and
+    feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate01.png"><img src="images/plate01_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 1" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 10.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a>THE FIRST PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/n.png" alt="N" class="figleft" />ow, O Lover, till this time
+    you have been indeavouring, slaving, turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and
+    begging to get from those slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent;
+    you have also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors, who
+    were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could obtain nothing; yet
+    at last that long desired Word, is once descended by the Draw-bridge of her lips,
+    like a rich cordial upon your languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals.
+    Oh who can imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts
+    glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials are laid
+    aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a sudden <a name="Page_12"
+    id="Page_12"></a>be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet concluded.
+    Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then you now possess! For what
+    you will, she will also: and what she desires, is all your pleasure. You may now
+    tumble in a bed of Lillies and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles,
+    and she that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her. Yea, those
+    snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch with your little finger; you
+    may now, without asking leave, grasp by whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full
+    view, consider all this rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in
+    the World? O unspeakable pleasure!</p>
+    <p>But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too much upon these
+    glistering things: be a little moderate in your desired pleasures, if it might happen
+    that there come some cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all
+    those suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that the mouth
+    which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and appear'd as if it had
+    been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was compared to be the jaws of <i>Cerberus</i>.
+    And those breasts, which before were the curded <i>Nacter</i>-hills, and called the
+    Banket of the Gods, I have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and
+    call'd <a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a>worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say)
+    somewhat moderate and prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this
+    market might fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis hop'd there'l
+    be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite, that you should go unto all
+    the friends, that must be present at the meeting, to hear when their occasions will
+    permit them, and what day and hour they will appoint to set upon the business,
+    herewith you have work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of
+    them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day, another to
+    morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by this first Pleasure, you
+    have also a little feeling of the first trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is
+    to your advantage, because you may the better use your self to the following. And of
+    how greater State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly this
+    trouble generally happens to be more.</p>
+    <p>But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours, troubles and
+    turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together, and you doubt not but the
+    match will be closed and agreed upon. But be here also a little moderate in your
+    mirth, because oftentimes <a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a>the friends handle this
+    matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony bags of each side in a balance, as
+    you may see by the Plate.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in the next
+    room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and keeping of the Wedding;
+    but perhaps, through the discord of the friends, it will not be long before you are
+    disturb'd; the differences oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters
+    through the Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one is
+    too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that the Parents of the
+    Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and the Brides Parents will give too
+    little with their Daughter. Or else that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they
+    indeavour to make the goods of each side disinheritable, &amp;c. So that it appears
+    among the friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter.</p>
+    <p>And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that it is not all
+    hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were better for these two to
+    remain unmarried, then to bring each other into misery; and can find no grounds or
+    reasons, but rather to disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage.</p>
+    <p>But tho, on each side, they use never such <a name="Page_15"
+    id="Page_15"></a>powerfull arguments, to the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for
+    there's fire in the flax, and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid
+    thinks, if this match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we
+    have had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am ruined for
+    ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so constant to him, not hearkning
+    to the advice of her friends, is so struck to the heart with such fiery flames of
+    love, that he's resolved never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water,
+    or go a begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of Matrimony for
+    what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and Damnation, I am contented, and
+    resolve to sign it: but thinking by himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and
+    new made again: hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with
+    black clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by
+    Eclipses.</p>
+    <p>But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for the knot is
+    tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very circumstantially write the
+    Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen
+    from my heart, and a Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for
+    more then ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; <a
+    name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a>about goes a health, the good success of the
+    marriage, and every one wishing them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of
+    prosperity,</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give,<br />
+    How richly this young couple, then might live.</i></p>
+    <p>Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose nothing by
+    it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it produces. Then if there be
+    but one among them who is talkative, and that by drinking merrily the good success of
+    the approaching marriage, his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at
+    the closing of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate; and
+    commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at first he had the
+    World at will; but then there came this, and then that, and a thousand other
+    vexatious things, which continually, or for the most part of the time with great
+    grief and trouble had kept him so much backward, that it was long before he could get
+    forward in the World.</p>
+    <p>Well, M<sup>r</sup>. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top, and
+    rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; &amp; you have now gotten your
+    legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired for Fetters, that nothing but
+    death it self can unloosen them.</p>
+    <p>And you, M<sup>rs</sup>. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking
+    countenance; be you <a name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></a>merry, you are the Bride; yea
+    the Bride that occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband
+    too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble and rumble you,
+    and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation, that will comfort the very
+    cockles of your heart. He will (if all falls out well) be your comforter, your
+    company-keeper, your care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish
+    for, or the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your palefac'dness,
+    your pains in the reins of your back, and at your heart, and all other distempers
+    whatsoever. He will also wipe of all your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream
+    of that thing in the night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then
+    your Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?</p>
+    <p>But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice; pray tell me,
+    when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage, what was the reason that you
+    alter'd so mightily, &amp; that your hand shook so? Verily, though I am no
+    Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best
+    signs; and that one might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it;
+    the events whereof would be more certain then any thing that <i>Lilly</i> or any
+    other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a short time it will
+    discover it self.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></a>Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and
+    since you have gotten your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it
+    would be unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business. And
+    indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must trouble your head
+    with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and
+    many other things are yet to be bought. Well, who can see an end of all your
+    business! There's one piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third
+    looks dull and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little or
+    nothing bought yet.</p>
+    <p>And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in contriving, ordering
+    and looking upon things, you are every moment hindered, &amp; taken off from it, with
+    a continual knocking at the dore to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits,
+    another to deliver the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &amp;c, a third to
+    be Cook, &amp; Pastryman, &amp; so many more, which come one after another thundering
+    so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry their message to
+    the Bride.</p>
+    <p>Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker, and
+    Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought &amp; ordered for the
+    Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands; and handkerchifs; &amp; do but
+    see, the day is at an end again: my brains are almost addle, and nothing goes
+    forward: For M<sup>rs</sup>. Smug<a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a> said she would
+    bring linnen, and M<sup>rs</sup>. Smooth laces, but neither of them both are yet
+    come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and comfort your selves,
+    that the Bride will reward you liberally for your pains.</p>
+    <p>Well, M<sup>rs</sup>. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you now do
+    (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled pate with a Crown upon
+    it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is once over? could you ever have thought
+    that there was so much work to be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that
+    for these few troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your
+    case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running up and down like
+    a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may be proclaim'd. And now he's a
+    running to and again through the City, to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind,
+    that are capacitated to entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty
+    discourses, waiting upon them, &amp; to make mirth &amp; pleasure for them and the
+    rest of the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some good
+    <i>Canary</i>, <i>Rhenish</i> &amp; <i>French</i> Wines, that those friends which
+    come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with a delicate
+    glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie about the Brides adornments,
+    may tast the Brides tears.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a>But really friends, if you come to tast the
+    Brides tears now, 'tis a great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and
+    unfeigned ones, you must come some months hence.</p>
+    <p>O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil, and run up and
+    down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one another; he is doubtless
+    chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike
+    her ne'r a whit the worse; and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to
+    disswade her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care for
+    that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings over. For now you
+    have as much work as you can turn your self to, in getting all your things in a
+    readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find
+    that oftentimes two or three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the
+    greatest slavery imaginable.</p>
+    <p>Yet, M<sup>r</sup>. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this
+    reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a golden Tapistry
+    laid before you, and for your honour the Organs playing. The going with a Coach to
+    marry at a Country Town, has not half so much grace, and will not at all please the
+    Bride: it is therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who shall
+    be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens, but <a name="Page_21"
+    id="Page_21"></a>there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don,
+    but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally the Guests shall
+    be treated; for they would come off with credit and little charge. To this is
+    required the advice of a steward, because it is their daily work. And he for favour
+    of the Cook, Pasterer, and Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it)
+    orders all things so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite.
+    And the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but once the
+    Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another consideration to be taken in
+    hand, to know how the Bride &amp; Bridegrooms friends shall be plac'd at the Table,
+    the ordering whereof, many times causes such great disputes, that if they had known
+    it before, they would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and
+    the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell this marriage
+    nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But Bridegroom to drive these
+    damps out of your brain, there's no better remedy then to go along with your Bridemen
+    to tast the Wedding wine; for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a
+    delicate tast and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so delicious
+    as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be so many curious tasters.
+    Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and<a
+    name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a> Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant is such a noble
+    blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before they have drunk as many
+    Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask that they tasted of.</p>
+    <p>Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing but
+    superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers, who are constantly
+    talking &amp; prating that the married estate brings nothing but care and sorrow with
+    it; here, to the contrary, they may see how all minds &amp; intentions are knit
+    together, to consume and pass away these daies with the most superabounding
+    pleasures. Away with sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct
+    there is nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may enjoy
+    the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.</p>
+    <p>But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing, and thinks
+    her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first Wedding-night will be
+    ended, that she might carry up some water to the young couple, and have a feeling of
+    those liberal gifts that she shall receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all
+    her attendance, running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has
+    deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and was very
+    diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters; but all upon fair
+    promises, having carried her self in the time of <a name="Page_23"
+    id="Page_23"></a>their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never
+    had in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>And now the Bride is in the bed,<br />
+    The former promises are dead.</i></p>
+    <p>Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as is becoming
+    you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man, Coachman, or neighbors servant,
+    may fall in love with you; for many times out of one Wedding comes another, and then
+    you might come to be a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as
+    well as your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night. Then
+    you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of marriage, and with the
+    Bride expect the second.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></a>THE SECOND PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <p><i>The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of the
+    Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others.</i></p>
+    <p><img src="./images/w.png" alt="W" class="figleft" />ell, young married people, how
+    glad you must needs be, now the Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You
+    may now ly and sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves
+    quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another the exercise and
+    handling of Venus Weapons.</p>
+    <p>Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your appetites, &amp;
+    do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo <i>Aretin</i>, and all her
+    light Companions, in all their several postures. Now you may rejoice in the sweet
+    remembrance, how sumptuous that you were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other
+    ornaments that my Lady <i>Bride</i>, and Madam <i>Spend-all</i>, first invented and
+    brought in practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were
+    used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon Instruments, singing,
+    leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that youth being back'd with Bacchus strength
+    uses either for mirth or wantonness.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate02.png"><img src="images/plate02_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 2" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 30.<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></a>O how merry they were all of 'em! And how
+    deliciously were all the dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for
+    the Cook and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble, and
+    the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten gallantly, &amp; drunk
+    deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant remembrance.</p>
+    <p>And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self; you are now
+    wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling narrow-soul'd Tutors (those
+    hellish Curmugions) now you may freely, without controul, do all what you have a mind
+    to; and receive therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best
+    beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.</p>
+    <p>And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how willingly doth
+    liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for you! Oh you have a pleasure,
+    that those which never tried, can in the least comprehend.</p>
+    <p>Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your desires, in the
+    pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs; for after some few daies, it
+    may be hungry care <a name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></a>will come and open the Curtains
+    of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings you are to expect from the
+    Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man, Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.</p>
+    <p>But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear your young Wife
+    every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with her Sister and her Aunt to buy
+    houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings
+    must be bought: And then she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately
+    Register, that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a
+    fellouw-feeling of it.</p>
+    <p>For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses, Chiny-ware, Plush
+    Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich Pictures, a Service of Plate, a
+    Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard,
+    several Webs for Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces,
+    and a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related: For other
+    things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they increase every day fresh
+    in the brains of these loving and prudent Wives.</p>
+    <p>And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at least the
+    Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good carefull labourer, must
+    follow them softly <a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a>with his wheel-barrow, that the
+    things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately brought home.</p>
+    <p>And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant and merry;
+    for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be without them; and that mony
+    must alwaies be certainly ready, get it where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all
+    this, at least, there must needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into
+    our house.</p>
+    <p>You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a good Portion,
+    though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses, Orchards, and Lands that be
+    oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you may go then, with your Hony, twice a year,
+    for the refreshing of your spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the
+    House-rents, fruits of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one
+    salutes you with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion,
+    indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment. If, with their
+    Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land, and to be a participator of
+    those sort of pleasures; or to eat some new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe
+    Fruits, all these things; in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to
+    you.</p>
+    <p>For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are burnt, the
+    Orchards <a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a>destroied, and the growth of the Fields
+    spoiled! therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but think,
+    this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions and Taxes run high,
+    the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that the War costs mony, and it must be
+    given, or else we should lose all.</p>
+    <p>At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this gallant
+    marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many Orchards, and of so many
+    dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags don't much increase by it at present, but
+    rather lessen, that most no waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at
+    such trivial things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to
+    our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in ready mony, you'd
+    have been at a stand again, where, without danger, you should have put it out at
+    interest; fearing that they might play Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies
+    fast, and they will pay well, when the War is done.</p>
+    <p>Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your self merry,
+    with the hearing that your friends commend the entertainment they have had to the
+    highest; and that two or three daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with
+    some of the nearest acquaintance, will come <i>a la grandissimo</i> to give you
+    thanks for all the respect &amp; civilities <a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a>that
+    you have so liberally bestowed upon them; which will be done then with such a
+    friendly and affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must
+    invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make an addition to
+    the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness, mirth, and friendship, is planted
+    and advanced among all the friends and acquaintance.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding who were
+    displeased, for not being entertained according to their expectations; and because
+    their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some other friends were not seated in their
+    right places; that M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Leonora</i> had a jole-pate to wait upon her;
+    and M<sup>r</sup>. <i>Philip</i> an old <i>Beldam</i>; M<sup>r</sup>. <i>Timothy</i>
+    was forced to wait upon a young snotty-nose; and that Squire <i>Neefer</i> could not
+    sit easily, and M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Betty's</i> Gorget was rumbled; and that
+    <i>Mal</i>, and <i>Peg Stones</i>, and <i>Dol Dirty-buttocks</i>, were almost
+    throng'd in pieces; and could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at
+    all be troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis enough
+    that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them with your Feast.</p>
+    <p>Truly, they ought to have been contented &amp; thankfull to the highest degree;
+    and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you so much mony; for if
+    you had left them <a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a>all at home, you could have had
+    no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self with this, that when
+    it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at so high a rate. 'Tis much better to
+    invite them at two or three several times before hand, and entertain them with a
+    merry glass of Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to
+    govern and satisfied.</p>
+    <p>'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends animate one
+    another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and surprize you; with shewing their
+    thankfulness and satisfaction for the respect they have received from you; and that
+    they are alwaies desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give
+    you a visit.</p>
+    <p>This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and Cellar for
+    them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing among them. Yes, and it
+    will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.</p>
+    <p>And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are) your Wives
+    maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and unhandsomly; but, for
+    this, you shall be both by her, and her friends, beloved and commended in the highest
+    degree: Yea it will be an incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain
+    your friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep <a name="Page_31"
+    id="Page_31"></a>a fair correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an
+    afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and Peaches prepared for
+    you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a good glass of Wine. And in the
+    Winter, to please your appetite, a dish of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of
+    Oisters; but none of these neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of
+    Wine. Oh quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts, such
+    Cousins, &amp; such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?</p>
+    <p>Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him to go home
+    with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it will be extreamly pleasing to
+    your Wife, and a double respect paid to him; because you bring him to a collation
+    among other Cousins, and pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and
+    familiarity is renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a
+    Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be extraordinarily
+    pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more agreeable to the female sex, then
+    that they may be instrumental in helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you
+    will see a double increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to
+    accompany her, and drive fancies out of her head.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a>If your Wife should fail in her choice of
+    houshold-stuff, and other sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be
+    prudent School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and advise her
+    to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be neatest, and where to be
+    bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art of ordring things, that you need not
+    dispute with your Wife about the hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for
+    they'l presently say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes;
+    and that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place with curious
+    Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will deliver themselves, like a
+    Court full of wise Counsellors, for the pleasure and instruction of your Beloved.
+    Well, what could you wish for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with
+    hammers: give it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If
+    there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might happen to disturb
+    your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm. It is not the fashion that
+    Women, especially young married ones, should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for
+    her, if she contrive and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most
+    suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in the night, but
+    she thinks on't; yea it costs <a name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></a>her many an hours
+    rest; therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.</p>
+    <p>And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the School to
+    exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should already begin to grumble and
+    talk how needfull it is to be sparing and thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is
+    mighty dead; that monies is not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and
+    bills must be paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent.
+    For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you might get for
+    an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor Bridegroom? This would be sad to
+    hear.</p>
+    <p>Go therefore to School by <i>Pythagoras</i> to learn silence; and to look upon all
+    things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do her own pleasure; and to
+    mix hony with your words. Then you shall possess the quintessence of this Pleasure
+    fully, and with joyfull steps enter upon the folowing.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a>THE THIRD PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by all their
+    friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country for their
+    pleasure.</i></h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/i.png" alt="I" class="figleft" />f it be true that there is a
+    Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young married people to ascend unto, these are
+    certainly the finest and smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible
+    to invite every one to the Wedding, this sweet <i>Venus</i> must be led abroad, and
+    shewed to all her husbands friends &amp; acquaintance: yea, all the World must see
+    what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree together. To which end
+    they trick and prick themselves daily up in their best apparel; garnishing both the
+    whole city and streets with tatling and pratling; &amp; staring into the houses of
+    all their acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate03.png"><img src="images/plate03_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 3" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 52.<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a>Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth!
+    for they hardly can go ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are
+    saluted by some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and
+    prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according as occasion
+    presents, wishing them also much joy in their married estate; Yea the great Bowl is
+    rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the good prosperity of the young couple. Well,
+    thinks the young woman, what a vast difference there is between being a married woman
+    &amp; a maid! How every one receives &amp; treats you! What respect and honour every
+    one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking pleasure! And how every
+    where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist, receiving all manner of friendship! It
+    is no wonder that all womankind are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their
+    first husbands, but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a
+    fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve therefore to
+    think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them where ever there is
+    occasion.</p>
+    <p>And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for every foot
+    you are invited out here &amp; there to a new treat, that is oft-times as noble and
+    as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd alwaies at the upper end of the Table.
+    If next day you be but a little drousie, or that the head akes; the husband <a
+    name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a>knows a present remedy to settle the brain; and the
+    first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk
+    out of Town to refresh our selves, or else go and take the air upon the <i>Thames</i>
+    with a Pair of Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all <i>Lambeth</i>, the
+    <i>Bankside</i>, and <i>Southwark</i> shakes with it. Oh that <i>Apollo</i> would but
+    drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for it is too soon
+    to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the Watch. So that its every day
+    Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he cannot see the abundant pleasures of
+    marriage?</p>
+    <p>To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at rest, and
+    begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young woman talks of going out of
+    Town together, and to take their pleasures in other Towns and Cities, first in the
+    next adjacent places, and then to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was
+    there, and having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she hath a
+    great mind to see <i>Oxford</i> and <i>Cambridge</i>.</p>
+    <p>Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see <i>York</i>,
+    <i>Glocester</i> and <i>Bristol</i>, and take our pleasures those waies; for I have
+    heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant travelling thither,
+    and all things very cheap. And when he began to relate any thing of Kent, and its
+    multiplicity of fruit, my very heart leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as <a
+    name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a>soon as I am married, I will immediately be pressing
+    my husband that we may go thither; because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And
+    then again he would sometimes relate of <i>Herefordshire</i> what delicious Syder and
+    Perry is made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go that
+    way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the Fountain-head. Ah,
+    my dearest, let us go thither next week.</p>
+    <p>It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus much longer
+    out of his house, &amp; from his vocation; by reason he is already so much behind
+    hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, Feasting and taking pleasure; but
+    alas, let him say what he will, he cannot disswade her from it.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>You may as soon retort the wind,<br />
+    As make a woman change her mind.</i></p>
+    <p>In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies concludes
+    this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come again. If we don't take some
+    pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my Dear, a year hence we may have a child,
+    then its impossible for me to go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a
+    chain: And truly, why should not we do it as well as they &amp; they did; for they
+    were out a month or two, and took their pleasures to the <a name="Page_38"
+    id="Page_38"></a>purpose? my Mother, or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us
+    go also out of Town! For the first year will not come again."</p>
+    <p>Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his wife, he must
+    let her have her will, or else she will be daily tormenting of him. And to give her
+    harsh language, he can't do that, for he loves her too well. His father also taught
+    him this saying, for a marriage lesson, <i>Have a care of making the first
+    difference.</i> If he speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that
+    would occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be guilty
+    of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.</p>
+    <p>Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk they send
+    the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their best apparel with them, that
+    their friends in the Country, may see all their bravery. And besides all this, there
+    must be a riding Gown, and some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else
+    it would have no grace.</p>
+    <p>Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and prosperity upon
+    their journy, &amp; so do I.</p>
+    <p>But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young woman
+    begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the World turns
+    topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she shall vomit her very <a
+    name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a>heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take her
+    off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he knows not which
+    way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might give all that he's worth in the
+    World to be at a good Inn. And she poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look
+    as if he had bepist himself, &amp; though he sighs and laments excessively she hears
+    him not; which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear the
+    hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning to decline, she
+    recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space softly forwards; the good man
+    thinking with himself how he shall do to get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she
+    may there rest her distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very
+    softly forwards, to get to the end of their journy.</p>
+    <p>Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of marriage, this is
+    but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me thinks I see the Steeple, we shall
+    be there presently; the little trouble and grief you have had, will make the
+    salutations you receive, and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter.
+    And these dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your
+    stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of filthy and
+    slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse then your <a name="Page_40"
+    id="Page_40"></a>appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you: The good
+    Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall first whet his knife, and
+    where he thinks his poor wearied wife will receive the best entertainment and
+    caresses, to drive out of her imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her
+    journy; which will the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the
+    rarities of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the more,
+    because every one will be wishing the new married couple much joy, receiving them
+    kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and civilities: which I assure you is
+    no small matter of mirth.</p>
+    <p>But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to speak of
+    removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he will of travelling by
+    horseback, she is struck on that ear with an incurable deafness.</p>
+    <p>They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go along with them,
+    or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither would it be respect enough for
+    them in the presence of so many good friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come
+    to take them up at the dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks
+    for th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish the young
+    couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further attend them upon their <a
+    name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a>journy, &amp;c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and
+    away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the liveless
+    stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the flight with his Proserpina
+    through the City.</p>
+    <p>But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth will stand
+    you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an eye in his head, but must
+    needs see, that if he tarry out long, this must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet
+    nevertheless I confess you must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness
+    with your new wife.</p>
+    <p>These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you must not so
+    much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from home, though in the mean
+    while all things there is going also the ready way to destruction; for it is the
+    fashion, at such times, that maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act
+    their own parts; and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep
+    open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the neighbours
+    when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them was no thought of care or
+    sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted and domineer'd so that the whole
+    neighbourhood rung with it; and how they have played their parts either with some
+    dried Baker, pricklouse Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></a>Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan
+    prepared; and if there be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the
+    Cellar be lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices to
+    juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that their inventions
+    surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the Author of the English Rogue; of
+    which I could insert a vast number, but fear that it would occasion an ill example to
+    the unlearned in that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both
+    men &amp; maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience hereof
+    sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been eased of that heavy
+    burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the whole World.</p>
+    <p>These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but if they were
+    of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved of to be curable, or a
+    remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of what state and condition they will,
+    every one feels the damage and inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is
+    outwardly visible unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or
+    other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, whether Counsellor,
+    Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects his Clients Suit, the other his
+    Patients, the third his Negotiation &amp; Trade, and the fourth his<a name="Page_43"
+    id="Page_43"></a> Customers; none of them all oft-times knowing from whence it arises
+    that their first years gain is so inconsiderable. For above the continual running on
+    of house-rent, the neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume
+    your self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and uneasiness
+    that you suffer to please and complaite your new married Mistris. O miserable
+    pleasure!</p>
+    <p>But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as soon as you
+    return home again; if you only observe the motions of your wife, for whose pleasure
+    and felicity you have been so long from home. Alas she is so wearied and tired with
+    tumbling and travelling up &amp; down, that she complains as if her back were broke,
+    and it is impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and then
+    neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared suitable to her
+    appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to be prepared and made ready, the
+    husband must take care and give order for the doing of it; the good woman being yet
+    so weary, that she cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk
+    about her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the
+    troublesomness of the journy.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and laughing at one
+    another, doing just what they list, and wishing that their<a name="Page_44"
+    id="Page_44"></a> Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to
+    have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by stealth, they make as
+    bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he had the eyes of <i>Argolus</i> can
+    attrap them; for if by chance you should perceive any thing, they will find one
+    excuse or another to delude you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the
+    good man is easily pacified and satisfied for that time.</p>
+    <p>And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of a Maid,
+    that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, getting her by that means
+    upon her side: in such cases you'l generally see two maids where one might serve, or
+    else a Chair-woman; the one to do all the course work, the other to run of errands
+    and lend a helping hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be
+    set in order; &amp; she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.</p>
+    <p>And because Peggy &amp; her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a Jack in
+    a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take her rest the better; for
+    she hath caretakers enough about the house. And if the husband, coming from the
+    Change or other important affair, seems to be any waies discontented, that all things
+    lies stragling about the house, &amp; are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy
+    finds a fit expedient for it with complaining that her<a name="Page_45"
+    id="Page_45"></a> Mistris hath had such an insufferable pain in her head and in her
+    belly, that it was beyond imagination; &amp; also she could get no ease for her,
+    unless she had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this is
+    the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have been.</p>
+    <p>Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to speak with his
+    wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer is, prithee Sweetheart, don't
+    you trouble your self with those things, leave that to me, I'l manage that to the
+    best advantage; men have no understanding about house-keeping; &amp; it is most
+    proper for a woman to have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there
+    be now and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of so
+    small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.</p>
+    <p>Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give him full
+    satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all things at a distance; yet
+    the maids behind his back, that their Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call
+    him, a Tom <i>Peep in the pot</i>, or <i>Goodman busiebody</i>. And before dinner is
+    fully done, he must hear <i>Peg</i> asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please
+    forsooth, to go by and by and give Mistris <i>Moody</i> a visit, or discourse a
+    little with Madam Elenor? As long as you <a name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></a>have
+    nothing to do, what need you ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that
+    the North Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily. Madam
+    <i>Elenor</i> will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that she will relate
+    unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a drift, and away she goes with
+    <i>Peg</i> out of dores. Let it go then as it will with the house keeping.</p>
+    <p>This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies agree so
+    lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out of Town to please his
+    wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure enough by her old acquaintance sweet
+    Mistris <i>Moody</i>, and courteous Madam <i>Elenor</i>.</p>
+    <p>Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles there are in
+    the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may think then what the middle and
+    end must be.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate04.png"><img src="images/plate04_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 4" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 52.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a>THE FOURTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her barrenness, and
+    takes Physick for it</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/v.png" alt="V" class="figleft" />erily it is a great pleasure
+    for the new married couple, that they have been up and down taking their pleasure,
+    and have been feasted by all their acquaintance.</p>
+    <p>Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of what friends
+    and relations each other hath; and seen also the great difference there is in the
+    ornaments, neatness, manners and deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the
+    <i>Hills</i>, <i>Dales</i> and <i>Meadows</i> lie, with their silver streaming
+    Brooks; but most particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be
+    treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the weakness and
+    vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who possess it, at last conclude
+    it burthensom, and have a longing desire to be at <a name="Page_48"
+    id="Page_48"></a>home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their own
+    Tables.</p>
+    <p>Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man hath been
+    long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all such idle expences, and
+    be again carefully looking after his affairs and vocation. Now he begins to hope that
+    all things will come into a handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife
+    will, having had her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of
+    pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some care for the
+    concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out so, to the great joy,
+    profit, and tranquility of the good man.</p>
+    <p>But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, without
+    some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will beleeve that, then you
+    may well think the whole state and term of your marriage to be a Paradice upon earth;
+    and that you have already got footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures
+    and contentments: Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better
+    understanding of further pleasures.</p>
+    <p>For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to complain,
+    that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life; that it appears very
+    strange and odly to her to converse with a new Maid, by reason she must <a
+    name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a>be telling her this thing, and commanding her the
+    t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are things that she before
+    never used to trouble her self with; and that it is such a trouble to her to be out
+    of her Parents house, in a strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so
+    high, that the good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these
+    foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle her frivolous
+    humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her tears with no small number of
+    kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't. And if this all falls out well, before six
+    weeks are at an end, there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this
+    splendant Sunshine.</p>
+    <p>For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape acquaintance,
+    and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which increaseth from day to day more
+    and more; nay oftentimes it comes to that height, she's better to be found among her
+    neighbours, then at home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with
+    her child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres <i>Breedwell</i> making
+    ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together. Yonder Mistris
+    <i>Maudlen</i> complains that she doth not prove with child; &amp; then Mistres
+    <i>Young-at-it</i> brags how nearly she could reckon from the very bed-side. Oh then
+    she thinks I have been married this three <a name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></a>months,
+    and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still as if I were yet a maid:
+    What certainly should be the reason thereof?</p>
+    <p>This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the brain-pan and
+    imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not understand his Py-work well!
+    Then to the end she may hear the better how things goes; she inquires very earnestly
+    amongst her acquaintance what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most
+    shamlesly relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the curtains,
+    or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she may hear whether her
+    husband understands his work well, and whether he doth it well, and oft enough; and
+    also whether he be fully fit for the employ, &amp;c. for the verification whereof the
+    Councel of women bring so many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much
+    more to speak of them.</p>
+    <p>Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their advice: And
+    the best sort will at the least say to her, I would oftentimes treat my husband with
+    such sort of spices as were good for my self, <i>viz.</i> Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs,
+    sweet breads, Lam-stones, Caveer, &amp;c. and counsell him every morning to go to the
+    Coffe-house and drink some Chocolate; &amp; above all things advise him to desist
+    from Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling for the
+    kidneys. And then<a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a> I would many times my self by
+    dallying with him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;
+    whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor want of desire
+    that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess, that you had sufficiently
+    done your indeavour.</p>
+    <p>Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy man, who art
+    now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws at your Table; and have free
+    leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which other women grumble and mumble at. And
+    besides all this, you find that your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel,
+    and shews you a thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to
+    express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the morning, pray
+    Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very great pleasures.</p>
+    <p>But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain in the old
+    posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her husband; vaunting much of her own
+    fitness, and not a little suspecting her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler,
+    a dry-boots, and a good man Do-little, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never so much
+    indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from the reasons and
+    examples given by several <a name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></a>learned Doctors;
+    Culpepper; the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance that
+    he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still complains, I must have a
+    Child, or else I shall run distracted.</p>
+    <p>And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her brains, that
+    the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that she's no sooner risen from
+    her bed or from the Table, but immediately she goeth a gadding amongst the
+    neighbours; and takes other peoples children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of
+    them so unmeasurably, as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth
+    more simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have done. By which
+    means the children have many times as great an affection for their neighbour, as they
+    have for their own Father and Mother.</p>
+    <p>This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her husband: But when
+    he begins to consider, that his wife by this means knows how to handle, and make much
+    of children; and then again, that she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must
+    of necessity be no less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest
+    she is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is freed from the
+    curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a child. For she's no sooner within
+    the dores, but she talks of her neighbours <a name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></a>child,
+    and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in the World that she had such a one
+    too; which continues alwaies so long, that finally she bursts out into the like
+    former frenzy against her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I
+    shall run distracted.</p>
+    <p>But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no means or way how
+    to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best himself to take th'advice of
+    Doctor, and most especially with that French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill
+    of making many men and women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive
+    children: Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a
+    daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very necessary that the good
+    woman her self consult with some experienced Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the
+    end, that those distempers which are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better
+    removed and taken away.</p>
+    <p>To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought together, as
+    would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to work they go with smearing,
+    anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith (as they term it) the good woman is to be
+    made fresh and fit; but they make the bed and whole house so full of stink and
+    vapours, that it may be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other
+    parts of <a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a>the body; then to open those that were
+    stopt and caused Distempers.</p>
+    <p>But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the
+    good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her husband doth out of the
+    Oister and Eg-shels.</p>
+    <p>And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head next? What
+    shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon all the ways and means
+    possible to entertain her to content. If she will have costly things, he will buy
+    them for her; and dissimulately saith that all what she practiseth for her content,
+    is his only pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times in
+    several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen to be very suitable
+    with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no wise contradict her, for he fears
+    that she will presently be at variance with him again: And thinks in the interim,
+    whilest her mind hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a
+    child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may crown his earnest
+    desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him that he dares not anger her or
+    give her a sour countenance; fearing that if she might have conceived, that would be
+    the means of turning the tide.</p>
+    <p>To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife is well
+    satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is very hard <a
+    name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a>to be practised, so long as she is not with
+    child.</p>
+    <p>But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to hit that mark!
+    How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand in his Almanack, as if it were
+    printed with a red Letter! Well young people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at
+    last to the satisfaction of the Master.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a>THE FIFTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The young Woman proves with Child, and longs.</i></h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he old Proverb tels us, that
+    after the sour comes the sweet; and I find, jolly couple, that it is so with you
+    also; for I hear finally that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is
+    that! Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath been to some
+    purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made for some good effects.</p>
+    <p>How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an
+    experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, for fear the least
+    accident might turn the tide with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or
+    some other sad mishap; and a mischance is worse for her than a true Child-bearing;
+    for that weakens nature abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad
+    consequences, &amp; Thus the women talk.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate05.png"><img src="images/plate05_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 5" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 85.<br />
+     Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a> But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved
+    your self so gallantly; continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour.
+    Look not at any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain the
+    principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must suffer much, and see
+    through a perspective glass all things at a distance; because you never before saw
+    your wife in so gallant a state and condition as she now is in; and therefore you
+    must cherish and preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her
+    often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maid-servants; nay,
+    though it were with your own self, you must pass it by, not concerning your self at
+    it; and imagine that you do it for the respect you bear your wife, but not by
+    constraint; for it is common with big-bellied women to do so.</p>
+    <p>But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and groaning happen
+    only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid it, or divertise your self with
+    other company. Yet by night generally shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore
+    be sure to provide your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good
+    sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often
+    happen that when you are in your best and first Sleep, that your dearest wil waken
+    you and complain of pain at her heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all
+    what is in the house must be <a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a>stirring, and you
+    your self also, though it be never so cold, out of the bed you must with all the
+    speed possible. Comfort your self herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which
+    you got with your wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.</p>
+    <p>Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are invited with
+    her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the Table shall be presented to
+    the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or have a desire to any thing; immediately
+    every one that observes it, are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were
+    never so little in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else
+    should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good woman is so ill
+    and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the Table, and falls from one
+    faintness into another; which for civilities sake, is then baptized, that she hath
+    sat too high or been throng'd, or that the room being so full, the breath of the
+    people offended her.</p>
+    <p>And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for the most
+    part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom knows her self what she
+    will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it tends to some thing or other that is
+    delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in
+    till she is sick with it; and if any one looks <a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a>but
+    very wishly at her; immediately another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay
+    perhaps for three.</p>
+    <p>And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; but is
+    thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure her sowing cushion upon
+    her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for fear the child thereby might receive
+    some hindrance and an heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to
+    that end an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this and
+    then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband without a wife, and the
+    family without a mistris.</p>
+    <p>Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is generally with all
+    things that are too frequently used) then she will be for spurring you up to walk
+    abroad with her, that she may get all sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the
+    season of the year affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with
+    sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad to spend much,
+    and at home neglect more.</p>
+    <p>If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her
+    life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man
+    absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and
+    they are so deep in the Country <a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a>that there is
+    somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.</p>
+    <p>And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat to be had;
+    but if there should be one, then you must be subject to humour the churlish Ferry
+    man, who seeing the necessity of the occasion, and that you are able to pay for it,
+    will have what price he pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to
+    hazard it, because many women are very fearfull upon the water.</p>
+    <p>But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found to please
+    your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your self jocund herewith, to
+    the end that other troubles may not so much molest and disturb you.</p>
+    <p>You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to be a little
+    big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all what she hath a mind to
+    &amp; that is called Longing. And what husband can be so stern or barbarous that he
+    will deny his wife at such a time what she longs for? especially if it be a true love
+    of a woman, you must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child
+    would have some hindrance by it.</p>
+    <p>Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and prevent this,
+    you must observe, that all women when they are with child, do fall commonly from one
+    longing to <a name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></a>another: And then the providing and
+    buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to you as it is to them in the
+    receiving and use of it; and that not alone for theirs, but your childs sake also.
+    And truly he that will or cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy,
+    because he shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.</p>
+    <p>It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their
+    imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, then they
+    long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine
+    and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must
+    have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full
+    satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some great Peaches and
+    Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose
+    her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.</p>
+    <p>If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again;
+    for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague
+    in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her
+    a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or
+    Russetings, the next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall
+    nuts and<a name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></a> Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what
+    you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will,
+    or cost what it will.</p>
+    <p>And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness
+    of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superfluities pour down
+    upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once
+    be rid of these terrible charges and great expence.</p>
+    <p>But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other
+    new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing desire to. And if it be in the
+    Winter, then they long for juicy Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts;
+    then for Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a
+    thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing
+    imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable,
+    but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who
+    simply imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and t'other
+    dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and
+    those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and
+    hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a
+    Greengoose or young Chickens; which in some places are <a name="Page_63"
+    id="Page_63"></a>very hard to be got, and not without paying excessive dear for
+    them.</p>
+    <p>This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will
+    serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it
+    rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so
+    dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears,
+    Gingerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
+    can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an
+    appetite prepared for it?</p>
+    <p>Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of
+    sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and
+    overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, &amp; manytimes other
+    lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently
+    fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or
+    some other Physick taken for it.</p>
+    <p>But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing
+    liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she
+    hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the
+    Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives
+    her <a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a>good comfort; and orders her to take only some
+    of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with
+    sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with
+    this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or
+    Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly
+    lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with
+    either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the
+    second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be
+    sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that
+    strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then
+    that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the
+    suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such
+    pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to
+    remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an
+    operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an
+    antipathy, by the Patient.</p>
+    <p>Thus you may see, approaching Father, how <a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a>you
+    are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name
+    renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and
+    pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the
+    most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all
+    sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, &amp; a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most
+    acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six
+    months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when
+    Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts &amp; Grapes, are in season. And there is
+    no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of
+    them as she her self doth.</p>
+    <p>Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great
+    Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes
+    at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and
+    will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that
+    the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to
+    be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a
+    lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></a>But comfort your self herewith; that the
+    medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation,
+    that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely
+    admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner
+    too late to repent of.</p>
+    <p>Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right
+    road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and
+    beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not
+    only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable.
+    And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate06.png"><img src="images/plate06_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 6" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 102.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a>THE SIXTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife
+    and Nurse.</i></h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/i.png" alt="I" class="figleft" />n good truth it is very
+    pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it
+    rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and
+    every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great
+    pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her
+    reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the
+    Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that
+    a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff
+    unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it
+    oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no
+    collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a>And the greatest joy is, that you have now so
+    hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a <i>Dry-boots</i>, or
+    a <i>John Cannot</i>; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for
+    quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have
+    no witnesse for your vindication.</p>
+    <p>You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name
+    of <i>Dad</i> &amp; <i>Pappa</i>; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as
+    the name of <i>Bridegroom</i> was before.</p>
+    <p>O how happy you are! &amp; what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you!
+    how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very
+    weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what
+    imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well!
+    Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much
+    stronger, and increaseth the affections.</p>
+    <p>Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that
+    you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of
+    marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to
+    her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that
+    there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides
+    <a name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></a>her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must
+    let it alone till another time.</p>
+    <p>Do you your self but observe, &amp; you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so
+    much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone,
+    is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts
+    of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are
+    dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to
+    speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon
+    that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but
+    deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither
+    for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they
+    presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so
+    full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before
+    any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies
+    such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the
+    maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first
+    word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally
+    preach out of, and make longest sermons in.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a>But methinks, I should happen to fall here from
+    the Mistris upon the Maid.</p>
+    <p>To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with <i>Jane</i> the
+    Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen
+    as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts,
+    shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the
+    ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to
+    school to learn casting of an account.</p>
+    <p>Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof
+    will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three
+    pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And
+    you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for,
+    by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now
+    possess.</p>
+    <p>Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind;
+    who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes.
+    O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be
+    for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she
+    wishes that it were made.</p>
+    <p>But this requires some time: and then you'l <a name="Page_71"
+    id="Page_71"></a>have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the
+    semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories,
+    till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.</p>
+    <p>Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her
+    very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once
+    obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a
+    Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life
+    of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.</p>
+    <p>Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if
+    she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she
+    shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull
+    wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she
+    hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the
+    number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases
+    her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third
+    is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine.
+    To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman
+    <a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a>hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help
+    her to chuse the best.</p>
+    <p>And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having
+    already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and
+    other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; &amp; she
+    is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other,
+    and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a
+    third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another
+    drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner
+    with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very
+    handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good
+    woman, which is a matter of no small weight.</p>
+    <p>Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very
+    well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day
+    is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily,
+    although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day
+    from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that
+    nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is <a
+    name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a>concerned for this above all other things
+    whatsoever!</p>
+    <p>And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds
+    her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do
+    or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle,
+    with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long
+    neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again
+    there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a
+    Caudle-cup, &amp;c. that of necessity must be bought &amp; used at the lying-in,
+    &amp; Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow
+    mouldy for want of being turned too &amp; again.</p>
+    <p>Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these
+    ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for
+    the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains,
+    Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of
+    the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in,
+    then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every
+    hole and corner.</p>
+    <p>These things do so excessively trouble her <a name="Page_74"
+    id="Page_74"></a>brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else,
+    yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest
+    insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she
+    happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her
+    very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so
+    vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed
+    to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such
+    sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick
+    that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man,
+    that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with
+    so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these
+    finical humours.</p>
+    <p>But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great
+    commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest
+    relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that
+    y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with
+    great respect &amp; reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your
+    first-born childs God-fathers, and <a name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></a>others to be
+    God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with
+    several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above
+    others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.</p>
+    <p>Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the
+    trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you
+    have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as
+    you did before with your Bridemen) &amp; chuse &amp; taste out some of the most
+    delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the
+    Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for
+    Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a
+    visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing
+    of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.</p>
+    <p>Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a>THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Woman falls in Labour</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/b.png" alt="B" class="figleft" />ehold, young couple, hitherto
+    a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and
+    Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or
+    unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six
+    Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth
+    Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to
+    look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the
+    Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.</p>
+    <p>But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she
+    was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon
+    it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being
+    the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as
+    the Trade goes forwards.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate07.png"><img src="images/plate07_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 7" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 116.<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a>There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is
+    there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the
+    Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of
+    them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the
+    house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found?
+    Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked,
+    having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing
+    upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all
+    possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she
+    cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids
+    fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it
+    her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.</p>
+    <p>Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for
+    who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a
+    question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid
+    alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at the <a name="Page_78"
+    id="Page_78"></a>t'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good
+    woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced
+    Midwife).</p>
+    <p>Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of
+    some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the
+    hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps
+    she might be fetcht out to some other place, from whence she could not come. And if
+    it should happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this Midwife, or
+    else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take any of the other, for the
+    reasons afore mentioned.</p>
+    <p>But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, vex, and fret
+    her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in labour, turns against her
+    stomack, and there is no hopes further for that time.</p>
+    <p>But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the best; rather
+    think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto you, if your wife, thus
+    soon, come to be safely delivered of a hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place,
+    you will be freed from all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing
+    of the grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your self did
+    expect you should have been.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a>Be not discomforted although she doth thus
+    unexpectedly force you out of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see
+    there's great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love your
+    wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is also commonly the
+    worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very first you happen to meet with this
+    prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &amp; do bring her to your longing-for dearly
+    beloved Wife; yet nevertheless you may assure your self, that before you can arrive
+    to have the full scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:
+    For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all things that must be
+    fetcht, brought and carried to and again; therefore of necessity the friends must be
+    fetcht with all the speed imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and
+    several familiar good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come
+    to her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them very
+    ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be
+    no small affront.</p>
+    <p>It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards would not come
+    to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brothers wife had
+    notice given her of the Child-bearing before her self; little considering how few
+    people the young people had in the <a name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></a>night to assist
+    them; or that the confusion and unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not
+    think of such a method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen
+    between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed the
+    intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little doth the good
+    man know that he is now first come into that noble School &amp; herein his patience
+    shall be effectually exercised or that this is but the first year of trying the same!
+    O how happy are they that are well instructed in it.</p>
+    <p>Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there not yet
+    wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor Drone, how he moves too
+    &amp; fro! see what a loss and tostication he is in! he tramples his hat under his
+    feet, pulls the hair off his head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help
+    his dear Wife; and the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he
+    expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up
+    before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of another, though they
+    be all near relations and friends.</p>
+    <p>Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. Womens assistance
+    is at this present most requisite, and a good Stierman <a name="Page_81"
+    id="Page_81"></a>at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first backwards
+    then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath the keys of all the
+    Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool gathering, that, let him do what he
+    will, he can find no sort of those things he most stands in need of.</p>
+    <p>Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not think to
+    come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are not here wanting that are
+    most useful at this occasion; and the Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's
+    hoarse again! here's both the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And
+    Mistris <i>Perfect</i> hath them both, but they are lent out.</p>
+    <p>Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of breath, to
+    desire to borrow them of Mistris <i>Buy-all</i>. And she's hardly gotten out of
+    dores, before they perceive that the warming pan is yet to be bought; and that that's
+    worst of all, is, that all the Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd;
+    oftentimes it happens that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable
+    condition is this!</p>
+    <p>Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were this the
+    greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all the womens countenances
+    looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each other, one <a name="Page_82"
+    id="Page_82"></a>beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great alteration
+    in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so desperate, that the fear is,
+    either the mother or the child, or perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever
+    the Doctor hath prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the
+    very girdle of Saint <i>Francis</i> can work here no miracle.</p>
+    <p>Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this come by
+    marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve that it is very
+    pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the Child-bearing hath no delight at all in
+    it. Oh I am affraid, if there come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not
+    be able to undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.</p>
+    <p>'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband and the
+    wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women beside; for they all cry that
+    the tears run streaming down their cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt
+    wine, can any waies refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding
+    the sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.</p>
+    <p>But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us five pounds
+    worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would make every one of our hearts
+    a hundred <a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a>pound lighter, and the great Caudle
+    Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.</p>
+    <p>Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you shall be
+    presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a>THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Womans brought to bed</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/h.png" alt="H" class="figleft" />a boys! after all the toiling,
+    the happy hour is at last arrived, that the good Woman, finally is delivered &amp;
+    brought to bed: well this is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other;
+    for the good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.</p>
+    <p>Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is so overjoyed
+    that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out immediately to give notice of it to
+    all the friends and acquaintance; thinking to himself that every body else will be as
+    jocund and merry at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what
+    earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great Caudle Skillet
+    may be in a readiness!</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate08.png"><img src="images/plate08_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 8" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 127<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a>What a pleasure is it for him that he sees
+    Mistris <i>Do-all</i> attending the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds
+    and other Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris
+    <i>Swift-hand</i> &amp; Mistris <i>Fair-arse</i> are tumbling all things topsie-turvy
+    forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those things that are most necessary
+    for the Child; but little doth he think that they do it more to be peeping into every
+    hole and corner, and to have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of
+    needfull assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any where
+    a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a rent in it: for one
+    or another of them will with grinning and laughing thrust her finger through it, and
+    then shew it to the rest, taking also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when
+    they are a little at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much
+    admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if she were a
+    greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them else when to the contrary, if
+    you should by accident come into any of their Garrets, when the linnen is just come
+    home from washing you would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might
+    very well imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are
+    Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &amp; torn, and a
+    third full of mildew.</p>
+    <p>Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook and corner,
+    they <a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a>finally get the Child swathled: And then to
+    the great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the Midwife, with
+    this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred years old, <i>Father, see
+    there is your Child, God give you much joy with it, or take it speedily into his
+    bliss.</i></p>
+    <p>Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is this again! see
+    him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat in his arms. O what a delicate
+    pretty condition he's now in!</p>
+    <p>Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical possession of
+    his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be a good present for you, when
+    he gives it you back again. 'Tis no wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a
+    thousand pound richer then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l
+    find a Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.</p>
+    <p>Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum trankums are
+    laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain the friends, who not alone
+    for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see
+    what is prepared for them. And I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it,
+    yet there will be one or another of them that will be discommending something, and
+    brag that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one that seems
+    not fully to <a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a>beleeve her, immediately she cites
+    two or three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise and
+    commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have
+    better judgement than they? This is then a discourse for at least three hours, for
+    they are all of them so well verst in the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to
+    get a turn to speak before the other.</p>
+    <p>But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out of all their
+    prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill that hath received all the
+    Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, Lam-stones, and many other such like
+    things, for they have found by experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very
+    much the kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M<sup>rs</sup>.
+    <i>Luxury</i> it is very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither,
+    and I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the soucing out.
+    And this discourse then is held up with such an earnestness, and continues so long,
+    that the Child-bed woman almost gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one
+    swooning into another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon
+    her.</p>
+    <p>Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath busied
+    himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now and then admitted to
+    cast in his verdict; <a name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></a>otherwise, let them talk as
+    long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them audience. But it is
+    much better for him, if, according as the occasion gives opportunity, there be now
+    and then spoken something concerning the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the
+    sheets, which is seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the
+    Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her sences, to
+    hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a back-Chamber, or in an Ally,
+    or some other by-place; and she is just now no where else to be found but at t'other
+    end of the City, there keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.</p>
+    <p>Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other
+    must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal right to her. And the Nurse,
+    finding that each of them so much desires her, thinks no small matter of her self,
+    but that she is as wise as many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow
+    is hardly to be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to
+    be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do what they will
+    or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable
+    Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here again, the Nurse is so <a name="Page_89"
+    id="Page_89"></a>quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her Mistres, therefore care
+    must be taken to find out some body or other that will come and suck the young womans
+    breasts for twelve pence a time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and
+    fester for want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the
+    tipples.</p>
+    <p>Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, and bring
+    Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven away; and most
+    especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good
+    M<sup>r</sup>. Doctor, for if this continue much longer, the young woman perhaps gets
+    an Ague that may then cost her her life.</p>
+    <p>Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure to be
+    found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now so liquorish and
+    sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in deed is very good at all times,
+    but most especially in this pittifull time for there's now nothing fitter for her to
+    eat then a little good broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or
+    new laid Egs.</p>
+    <p>But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it will not be
+    long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come to give you a visit, who
+    will then also out of their Closets of understanding be very much <a name="Page_90"
+    id="Page_90"></a>assistant to you with their advice and counsel for there are very
+    few of them that are not deeply experienced in Sir <i>Thomas Browns</i> Mid-wivery,
+    and if any thing do happen more then ordinary, they never want for remedies.</p>
+    <p>Now there is Doctor <i>Needhams</i> wife, who by her own experimenting, hath
+    knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as this, there is
+    nothing better then that the child must be glister'd; and for the lumps you must
+    indevour through a continual chafing to get them out of the young womans breasts. But
+    Mistris <i>Rattle-pate</i> relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in
+    her breast, when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by only
+    taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a
+    hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least
+    fear of danger.</p>
+    <p>Yes truly, saith Mrs <i>Talk-enough</i>, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that that is
+    very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to be chop'd; and there
+    must be a special care taken for that; therefore it will not be amiss to strengthen
+    the nipples with a little <i>Aqua vit&aelig;</i>, and then wash them with some
+    Rosewater that hath kernels of Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or
+    better, I have lain in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so
+    much good, or gave me half the ease.<a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a> Pray, dear
+    Mistris, be sure to make use of that, you will never repent it.</p>
+    <p>But Mistris <i>Know-all</i> saith, that she hath made use of this also, and found
+    some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other things, that were
+    approved to be good; yet of all things never found nothing under the Sun that was
+    more noble then <i>Salvator Winter's</i> Salve, for that cures immediately: And you
+    can have nothing better.</p>
+    <p>Yet Mistris <i>Stand to't</i>, begins to relate wonderfull operations done with
+    oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the Gentlewoman in Py-yard.</p>
+    <p>Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a secret from a
+    prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can the vertue thereof be too
+    much commended. And she hath already communicated it unto several persons; but there
+    are none that tried it who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath
+    been very vigilant to note it down in S. <i>John Pain</i>, and <i>Nic-Culpeppers</i>
+    Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but participate it
+    to others: This is, <i>Lapis Calaminaris</i> prepared, mingled with a small quantity
+    of May-butter, and then temper them together with the point of a knife upon an
+    earthen plate, just as the Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which
+    will bring it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft <a name="Page_92"
+    id="Page_92"></a>and supple for the chops of the tipples; nay, though the child
+    should suck it in, yet it doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but
+    prevents the coming of any more.</p>
+    <p>Yes, saith Mistris <i>Consent to all</i>, and my advice is then to take a little
+    horn, with a sheeps udder, &amp; lay that upon the Tipples, for that defends them,
+    and occasions their curing much better and sooner.</p>
+    <p>O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so many prudent
+    Doctresses! If <i>Clement Marot</i> might but revive, I am sure he would find here as
+    many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors at Paris. But O how happy will this
+    fortunate new Father be, when he may but once see the back-sides of all these grave
+    and nice Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of the
+    most accomplished Pleasures.</p>
+    <p>But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these remedies may be
+    good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our turns; for alas a day, the very
+    smell of salve makes her fall into a swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion
+    of sucking, for the very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to
+    keep a Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for Wet-Nurses are
+    generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever chatting and chawing something
+    or other with the Maids; and in their <a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a>manner they
+    baptize it, with saying it is very necessary &amp; wholesom for the Child. And then
+    again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath also several considerations; first it
+    estrangeth much from you, and who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is
+    best to keep it at home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding
+    it often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now and then
+    giving it the sucking bottle.</p>
+    <p>But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the Grandmother, Nurse,
+    and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's lost. And the Child is so froward
+    and peevish, that the Nurse is ready to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and
+    play with it alwaies till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so
+    much that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to <i>Limbo</i>. For
+    this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a good one hath its
+    consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind love that the Mother hath for her
+    Child can no way suffer this, she will rather suck it her self though the pain be
+    never so great. Yet having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that
+    it is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at quiet till
+    there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes to the very heart of both
+    Father and Mother to put the Child out to Nurse.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></a>And do but see after much seeking and diligent
+    inquiring, the new made Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat
+    cleanly and mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the
+    <i>East-Indies</i>, &amp; her child died lately.</p>
+    <p>This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new Father, and
+    Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now all things will go well;
+    for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child; the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, &amp;
+    all this pleases the good Father very well.</p>
+    <p>Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that you may
+    recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of sucking, or disturbed of
+    your natural rest: now you must let the Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look
+    after or meddle with nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and
+    groan lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to be weak
+    and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in must be kept full out.
+    Do but think now by your self what you have a mind either to eat, or drink; the first
+    and worst daies are with the tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you
+    recover any strength with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new
+    laid Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a <a name="Page_95"
+    id="Page_95"></a>diet for you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have
+    a more strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted Pullet,
+    half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a
+    piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young Turky, &amp;c. And whilest you are eating,
+    you must be sure to drink two or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well
+    sweetned with the finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any
+    French wine, for that will too much inflame you.</p>
+    <p>O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and especially,
+    because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink again with your Child-bed
+    wife; and you begin also to perceive that if all things advance as they hitherto have
+    done, you may then again in few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing
+    her.</p>
+    <p>This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so pleasantly of;
+    because it learns them alwaies such a curious remembrance. And really it is almost
+    impossible that the husband at these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well
+    as his wife sits to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive
+    and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife may eat with a
+    better appetite, and recover new strength again. I would therefore advise the
+    carefull Nurse as a friend, that <a name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></a>she should be
+    sure to provide her self with the <i>Compleat Cook</i>, that she might be the more
+    ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what she hath a mind to have made
+    ready, for her brains are but very weak yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily
+    remember at first what is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.</p>
+    <p>O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and carefull
+    Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this! And behold, by this
+    delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins from day to day to grow stronger
+    and stronger; insomuch that she begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to
+    be desirous of coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out
+    of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and main Pleasure.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate09.png"><img src="images/plate09_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 9" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 141.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></a>THE NINTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Of the Gossips Feast</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/n.png" alt="N" class="figleft" />ow, O new Father, you have had
+    the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some
+    purpose.</p>
+    <p>But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so many joyfull
+    delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first and most famous hath been; for
+    it seems as if your Child-bed wife begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life,
+    and to leave off her grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up
+    and down the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.</p>
+    <p>But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips Feast kept.
+    To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious Counsel held, as if the
+    Parliament of women were assembled, to consult who shall be invited, and who not. 's
+    Wounds, what a list of relations and strange acquaintance are here sum'd <a
+    name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a>up in a company together, to be invited to the
+    Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can ever do this all in one day; because
+    she would not willingly miss any of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the
+    Presents she expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them
+    that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and her Child. I
+    wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the Office of an Inviter to all
+    such sort of Gossippings, but the women understand these affairs and the ordering of
+    such sort of invitations much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not
+    necessary.</p>
+    <p>O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing
+    this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity
+    have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I assure you I would order
+    the Nurse to desire Doctor <i>Toss-bowl</i>, my Lord <i>Drinkfirst</i> and then the
+    other Gentlemen, to wit, Masters <i>Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up,
+    Seldom-sober</i>, and <i>Shift-gut</i>, to fetch home their Wives in good time from
+    the Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near relations, that
+    you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going
+    home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with
+    a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a<a name="Page_99"
+    id="Page_99"></a> Child-bed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once
+    arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may
+    e'en clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.</p>
+    <p>Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no sooner have
+    made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and
+    pricking of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted
+    guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and
+    corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for
+    Mistris <i>Foul-arse</i>, Gossip <i>Order-all</i>, and Goody <i>Dirty-buttocks</i>,
+    will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth,
+    according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary
+    Chamber, with a Letter to <i>Gravesend</i>, only to take an inspection whether it be
+    as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And
+    'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders
+    webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good colour,
+    equal-size and thickness.</p>
+    <p>But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these incumbrances, the time
+    will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprized by our
+    Guests. Uds life, how busie the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with <a name="Page_100"
+    id="Page_100"></a>dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O
+    pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what
+    would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt
+    any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and all the
+    friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do confirm it: For behold,
+    every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness.
+    One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like
+    another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline
+    very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who
+    forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me,
+    what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have drest it up most curiously! And truly
+    there's no cost spar'd for the having very rich laces.</p>
+    <p>Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed woman begins to
+    enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she had to fetch this Child out of
+    the Parsly-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her
+    acquaintance, &amp;c. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a
+    long-winded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the
+    good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a <a name="Page_101"
+    id="Page_101"></a>one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her
+    churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband
+    was not half so hot.</p>
+    <p>Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more
+    about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor <i>Nicholas None-eys</i> how he
+    rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly
+    trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bed-side! O what a
+    pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack
+    and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality,
+    sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast
+    expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for them of his
+    Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their
+    mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they
+    resolve not to flinch from it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole
+    estate richer then he was before; and what need he care for it then.</p>
+    <p>Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm;
+    and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own
+    Commodities.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a>O how happy would you be, O Goodman
+    <i>Cully</i>, if you had but as many ears as <i>Argus</i> had eys, that you might
+    hear every where, whilest you are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet
+    stories and discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
+    <i>Sharp-set</i> relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to keep
+    School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had feasted their carkasses
+    well: but that conning of her lesson had caused her severall times to make a journy
+    to the Parsly-bed.</p>
+    <p>At this Mistris <i>Sincere</i> wonders extreamly; saying how strangely these
+    things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish there is a married woman
+    brought to bed, but she was so miserably handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can
+    express it. Insomuch that Master <i>Peepin</i> the Man Midwife, was fain to be
+    fetcht, to assist with his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever
+    escaped it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed to be
+    placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.</p>
+    <p>In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris <i>Fairtail</i>
+    relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously stitcht up by their Tailor;
+    and how she was every foot running thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she
+    had torn in her Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
+    then again to have her stockins soled.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a>It is no wonder, (saith Mistres
+    <i>Paleface</i>) that this should happen to a poor innocent servant Maid; there was
+    my husbands first wives niece M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Young-rose</i> that modest Virgin,
+    she kept such a close conversation &amp; daily communication with Master
+    <i>Scure</i>, that at last there appeared a little <i>Cupid</i> with little ears, and
+    short hair.</p>
+    <p>Nay then (saith Mistris <i>Lookabout</i>) those two sisters need not twit one
+    another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet compliance and
+    converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the corner-house, where she did eat so
+    many China Oranges, and other watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an
+    extraordinary swelling under her stomack; which Doctor <i>Stultus</i> judged to
+    proceed from some obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not
+    continue so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of her
+    distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.</p>
+    <p>Mistris <i>Lookabout</i> was going to begin again; but they heard such rapping and
+    knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve there are our husbands; and
+    indeed she guest very well. This augmented their mirth mightily. And especially of
+    the Nurse; for now she was sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his
+    Gossips nobly and liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat
+    your self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon Companion,
+    who being <a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a>at a Gossipping Feast, called the
+    Nurse alone to him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take
+    a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all things, and also
+    filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my wife is a little covetous, and
+    oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she doth not keep her credit where she ought to do,
+    so that I beleeve her gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a
+    good body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &amp;
+    there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in a paper, into
+    her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at the least a Crown piece, thanks
+    him very demurely, and puts it in her Pocket; never opening it till they were every
+    one of them gone, but then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are
+    warned now by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill
+    about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the Wine begins to
+    surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than before.</p>
+    <p>And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but yet not so as
+    the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls so bravely upon the good
+    health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss, that when she was going to swathe and
+    feed the Child, instead of putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it <a
+    name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></a>under the chin, &amp; sometimes against the breast;
+    and then when she was about swathing of it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a
+    wollen blanket and linnen bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little
+    naked body only in the blanket alone.</p>
+    <p>O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and entertained
+    all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their curious relations! Now you
+    will have the honour also of entertaining their husbands your He-Gossips, who will
+    not be backward in doing of you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before
+    them, and talk as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.</p>
+    <p>Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds to the
+    highest? Ha, ha, saith Master <i>Laugh wel</i>, that's a Child! who ever saw a
+    braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have such a delight in this
+    Child, that if we were but a little alone together, I'd cast you such another as if
+    it were of the same mould. Stay a little, stay a little, saith <i>Master Fillup</i>,
+    it may be you would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who were
+    Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an Alehouse, and talking
+    lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of them said; Cocksbobs <i>Jack</i> if I
+    had but a Wife, as well as another, I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy.
+    Ho, ho, saith the <a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a>t'other, it is an easie thing
+    to get a Wife if one seek it. If I would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the
+    Bridegroom within the space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a
+    wager between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of dores just
+    upon the striking of the clock; &amp; hardly was gone a streets length, before he met
+    with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an errand for her Mistris, and he
+    presently laies her on board. But she seemed to be very much offended, that an honest
+    Maid going about her business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred
+    by a strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he, you have
+    a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may certainly beleeve that it is
+    an honest person who speaks to you, and only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with
+    a virtuous good condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier,
+    and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please to admit me
+    this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest man, and none of those that go
+    about to ly and deceive any body; and indeed my intention &amp; desire is to marry,
+    to that end seeking nothing but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at
+    this time found one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of
+    terms. But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had <a name="Page_107"
+    id="Page_107"></a>no mind at-all to a Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and
+    miserablest sort of levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were
+    seldom advanced, &amp;c. He on the other side commending &amp; approving a Souldiers
+    life to be the merriest, resolutest, &amp; absolute easiest of any that was under the
+    Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical pride did any waies take place by
+    them, but that they, on the contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into
+    their thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again, all what
+    the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our selves, we get from them:
+    we never take care for to morrow, having alwaies something fresh, &amp; every day new
+    mirth. Riches, Sweetheart, doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content;
+    &amp; there's no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies
+    see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards and
+    Whore-masters fall away miserably, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the more, because
+    that very morning she had a falling out with her Mistris) and told him, she would
+    take it into consideration. He answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we
+    spend time in thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any
+    thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally falls out well
+    <a name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></a>with him. But she drawing back a little, he
+    saith, ah my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder comes a
+    Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time, till that be past by;
+    therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for otherwise I must go &amp; seek my fortune
+    by another. For a Soldier neither woos nor threatens long.</p>
+    <p>Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by the Moon, she
+    gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box for a pledge of marriage; and
+    desired something of her in like manner for a pledge; but she said she had nothing:
+    howsoever he persisted so strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a
+    pledge of marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto his
+    Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the Garter. Whereupon he
+    that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it was, what her name was, and where she
+    dwelt, &amp;c. And being told by another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well
+    complexion'd Maid, By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that
+    I could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if you will give
+    four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter &amp; the Maid too into the
+    bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l hardly know whether it be me or
+    another.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></a>Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two
+    first Cans of Wine were spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one
+    charged to keep it secret.</p>
+    <p>This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the hour and
+    place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to her several passages
+    that were passed between them the day before, and shewing her the Garter, made her
+    beleeve that he was the person that had contracted with her the day before. To be
+    short, the Maid leaves her service and marries him. And that which is most to be
+    observed, is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the second
+    performed; for just nine months after they were married, she was brought to bed of a
+    gallant young boy, and they lived very peaceably and quietly together.</p>
+    <p>Well, I'l vow, saith Master <i>Crossgrain</i>, that's a very notable relation; it
+    is better a great deal that the business happen so, then like another, which is just
+    contrary, that I shall make mention of to you.</p>
+    <p><i>Barebeard</i> and <i>Mally</i>, who by a sudden accident, without much wooing,
+    were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was published; but falling
+    out, they called one another all the names that they could reap together; nay it run
+    so high, that they would discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go
+    to the Bishop &amp; crave that they <a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a>might have
+    liberty to forbid the Banes themselves, which hapned so.</p>
+    <p><i>Barebeard</i> coming then with <i>Mall</i> before his Grace, complained that he
+    did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a good event, because
+    he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding,
+    bawling Carrion, &amp; a restless peece of mortality. Therefore it might go as it
+    would, he did not care for the Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those
+    reasons, he desired his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking
+    it much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She on the
+    t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the streets at all hours of
+    the night, a private drunken beast, a Spend-thrift, &amp;c. so that she did not care
+    for him neither. Whereupon his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do
+    you think that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps when
+    you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth for the most part
+    change the ten sences into five. But she answered, may it please your Grace, he is no
+    such man to do that, for all that he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like
+    stiff-neckedness, and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please
+    your Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I should be
+    then fast enough bound to <a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></a>her; neither would I
+    willingly go alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.</p>
+    <p>The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such sort of Flax,
+    caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said <i>Barebeard</i>, may it please your
+    Grace, am I not a freeman, &amp; may I not marry with whom I please, or have a mind
+    to? to which his Grace answered, yes. Presently <i>Barebeard</i> thrusting his head
+    out at the dore, calls out aloud, <i>Peg</i> do you come hither now; and begged that
+    his Grace would be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall
+    seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in this; if I had
+    the least thoughts on't, I would have had my <i>Hal</i> to have tarried for me at
+    this dore, instead of tarrying for me at another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in
+    great ire, chid them most shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first
+    it might very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second consent;
+    yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But <i>Barebeard</i> being now
+    married with <i>Peg</i>, they got no children: And <i>Mall</i> being married to
+    <i>Hal</i>, they had both a Son and a Daughter at one birth. By which its easie to be
+    observed what acquaintance <i>Mall</i> had made with <i>Barebeard</i> before hand,
+    &amp; why she would rather marry with Hall then with him.</p>
+    <p>To this again Mistris <i>Sweetmouth</i> relates, that <a name="Page_112"
+    id="Page_112"></a>she had been several times invited to Mistris <i>Braves</i> labour;
+    and that she had been twice brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in
+    the last encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she presented
+    him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would equally balance his great
+    bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk again for another, and finding in what
+    condition things stood, she calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a
+    most delicate pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which
+    she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the wonderfull
+    works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, as if it had been in its
+    Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just cut open with a small hole, it begun
+    presently to make a little noise like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very
+    rare &amp; pleasant to be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such
+    high doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.</p>
+    <p>But this Story was hardly told before Mistris <i>Tittle-tattle</i> pursued it with
+    another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two years ago I was at a
+    Gossipping by Mistris <i>Gay</i>, who was then brought to bed both of a Son and a
+    Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the Labour came so violently upon her, that
+    as she was standing upon the stairs, not being able to <a name="Page_113"
+    id="Page_113"></a>set one foot further; and having neither Midwife, nor any other
+    women of her neighbors and friends, only the assistance of her husband and the Maid;
+    she was immediately delivered of two gallant Children; but they did not live
+    long.</p>
+    <p>Upon my word, said Mistris <i>Bounce-about</i>, it is an excellent help when men
+    understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It hapned to me once that some
+    Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat late in the evening; and because I had had
+    several Symptoms of Labour, said this, Mistris <i>Bounce-about</i>, if you would now
+    take a walk to the Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor
+    weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an hour, and
+    being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep; before there begun such an
+    alteration of the weather; that my husband must up with all speed, who wakened the
+    Maid, and sent her for the Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all
+    what they could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any bodies
+    help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were done with such a
+    confusion; that he received the child in the Christning cloath instead of the
+    Blanket.</p>
+    <p>And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would burthen the
+    strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, because it is impossible to
+    distinguish one from <a name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></a>the t'other, when the men
+    and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times they spin such course
+    threads of bawdery in their talk, that are enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And
+    who can tell but that their tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one
+    of them who hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is high
+    time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the child, they begin to
+    break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.</p>
+    <p>Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be presented to
+    you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind and cordial entertainment,
+    and not one of them forgets to wish that you may the next year either have a Daughter
+    to your Son, or a Son to your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when
+    you receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their wishes aim
+    at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, to toss up the
+    Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they peep into all nooks and
+    corners.</p>
+    <p>Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but prithee tell
+    me, would not a body wish for the getting of such another, that his Wife might make a
+    journy to the Parsly-bed twice a year?</p>
+    <p>Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your running and going
+    early &amp;<a name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></a> late to invite them. Oh thinks she
+    by her self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But Nurse
+    you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies sickness, for there's no
+    drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among the Beggars that can cure you of it. And
+    I dare say Nurse, that you'l go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony
+    mighty scarce: because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in
+    their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the times are now so
+    strangely altered, that they keep little mild-shillings only for that use, nay some
+    of them rub it off with a couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope
+    for your sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises but no
+    performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made your bargain to have
+    had a peece more at the least for your Nurse keeping; or otherwise you must have had
+    the full liberty to toss up the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls,
+    or else to have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and then
+    after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the twinkling of an eye,
+    swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of the Father, Child-bed mother and the
+    Child; for the Wine was laid in to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is
+    commonly known that the Nurses are not so <a name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></a>mealy
+    mouth'd; for although they don't do it that every one should see it, they'l be sure
+    with the Maid to get their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again
+    think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more care they will
+    take for the Child.</p>
+    <p>Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs amongst other
+    things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will nevertheless be turning about to
+    another mirth, and then you may be sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore
+    make much of your self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows
+    whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet with such a good
+    Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed woman, &amp; a plentifull
+    housekeeping, is not every where. And you may certainly beleeve, that the month will
+    be no sooner ended, then that you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin
+    to consider with her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so
+    that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.</p>
+    <p>Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist and
+    mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a mess of milk and
+    brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that you'l have time enough to wast
+    away that fulsomness and fogginess of body, that you have gotten in your
+    Nurse-keeping.<a name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></a> For there's no body that will
+    give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your attendance, unless they want you
+    again.</p>
+    <p>O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that you may have a
+    renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the Nurse-taking its leave, and
+    will conduct you to a following.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a id="Page_118" name="Page_118"></a>THE TENTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/o.png" alt="O" class="figleft" />h how pleasant is th'estate of
+    married people, above that of Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and
+    Pleasures! Verily one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it
+    is impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to display it
+    with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst Painter might have drawn it
+    very near the life, yet it would be but a dead draught, in comparison of the reality
+    and experience that is found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or
+    Tables but it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness of
+    one of the nine Parts.</p>
+    <p>Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so short a time
+    arisen to the height of being possessors of all these Pleasures: And so much the
+    more, the ninth being hardly past, before the tenth follows, as it were treading upon
+    the heels of the t'other.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate10.png"><img src="images/plate10_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 10" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 188.<br />
+     Published by The Navarre Society, London</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a>They have scarce wiped their mouths or
+    digested the Child-bed Wine in their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of
+    mirth &amp; jollity; for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept &amp; the child
+    must be put in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!
+    'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.</p>
+    <p>At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty pleasing
+    Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable discourses. But now you shall be
+    honoured with treating the Matron like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your
+    kindest friends and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also
+    who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and pleasant
+    countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, <i>super naculum</i>
+    drink it out, upon the health &amp; prosperity of you, your Bedfellow and young Son;
+    and very heartily wish that you may increase and multiply, at least every year with
+    one new Babe; because that they then might the better come to the Child-bed
+    Feast.</p>
+    <p>Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss your Cups
+    and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray God bless his Majesty and
+    all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our Native Country; <a name="Page_120"
+    id="Page_120"></a>all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &amp;c. And when you
+    have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with the honour and name, in
+    a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well is not that a noble title; such a
+    Pleasure alone is worth a thousand pounds at lest.</p>
+    <p>And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other Women are
+    contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put in Cloaths upon the best
+    and modishest manner: For she is resolved to morrow morning to be Church'd, &amp; in
+    the afternoon she'l go to market.</p>
+    <p>She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in the second
+    part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and in the streets, she hath
+    continually observed severall children, and the most part of them dressed up in
+    severall sorts of fashions: Some of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she
+    doubts whether that be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which
+    makes her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand very neat
+    and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly and very dear; but then
+    again it is very comly and handsom. And then again she thinks with her self, as long
+    as I am at Market, I'd as good go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for
+    all; it is for our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person;
+    therefore it <a name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></a>is better to take that which is
+    curious and neat, the price for making is all one; besides it will be a great
+    Pleasure for my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his
+    mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.</p>
+    <p>Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing much, you have
+    need but of little; and it is for your first. When it grows bigger, or that you get
+    more, you must part with much more mony. Don't grudge at this for once, because then
+    you would spoil all your mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife,
+    who is not only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very
+    carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd. You your self
+    have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a while, for women must have
+    their wills; say but little to her, for her brains are too much busied already; and
+    it may be that in three hours time, you would hardly get three words of answer from
+    her; and suppose you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your
+    answer from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all her
+    thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to &amp; again, one among another
+    continually, to order the dressing up of her child.</p>
+    <p>I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at present run a
+    Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and<a name="Page_122"
+    id="Page_122"></a> Trade are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and
+    by reason of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce, nothing
+    near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort your self herewith, that
+    it hath hapned oft-times to others, &amp; will yet also happen oftner to you. Yet
+    this is one of the least things; but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse
+    goes away. This seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a
+    Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than you had
+    before.</p>
+    <p>You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks after the
+    Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from tossing and tumbling with
+    it in the night: whilest others, on the contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their
+    houses; begin first to tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that
+    the Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto both Father
+    &amp; Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman is yet so weak, she can
+    neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of the Cradle; insomuch that the Father
+    here must put a helping hand to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath
+    the greatest share in it.</p>
+    <p>By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of the Kernel
+    of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, <a name="Page_123"
+    id="Page_123"></a>out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that
+    she might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her breasts for the
+    Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off with but rocking the most part
+    of the night; for many times it happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet,
+    that Father, Mother, &amp; Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of
+    their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and stratagems, yet
+    all's to no purpose.</p>
+    <p>And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few months are
+    past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so night &amp; day, that
+    they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing a thousand thousand times over
+    that they might see day-break; and so by the comfortable assistance of day-light
+    receive a little solace for all their toiling and tumbling too and again.</p>
+    <p>Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be discomforted at
+    this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have learnt somthing in the School of
+    Marriage, to exercise their patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves
+    contented with all things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is
+    past, they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them thanks with
+    its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with a slabbering cocurring. And
+    I beleeve now that <a name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></a>they clearly find that all
+    things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And that the fairest
+    Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a Cloudy Storm.</p>
+    <p>You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much greater
+    advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, neither need you to be
+    troubled with tossing &amp; dandling of the child in the night.</p>
+    <p>O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you! For now you
+    may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your Son; and by that means reap
+    the possession again of all those former Pleasures; &amp; by every one be saluted
+    with the Title that you are an excellent good Artist.</p>
+    <p>If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your wife too much
+    on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her miscarry. But you have learnt
+    all these things well enough at the first, and without doubt have kept them well in
+    remembrance.</p>
+    <p>Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your dearly
+    Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most neatest dresses. What a
+    World of pains she takes &amp; spends her spirits, to make the Tailor understand,
+    according to what fashion she will have it made; &amp; to hasten him that all things
+    may be ready and totally finisht against Sunday next.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></a>O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what
+    a pretty Son you have! How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that
+    knows how to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better pleased!
+    Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too short for her to gad up
+    and down traversing the streets of the City, that she may fullfill her desire of
+    shewing it to every body: never was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and
+    the Maid with the Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides
+    seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up &amp; down from day to day. And most
+    especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse turn'd away, the Maid cannot
+    let it penetrate into her brain; that she now not only the whole week must rock,
+    sing, dandle, dress, and walk abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also
+    bound to the Child, like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly
+    did, to walk abroad with <i>Giles the Baker</i>, or <i>John True the Tailor</i>; nor
+    so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred; which occasions
+    no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.</p>
+    <p>But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs also to the
+    Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented because your Dearest walks abroad
+    thus every day; but rather think with your self, she takes her <a name="Page_126"
+    id="Page_126"></a>spinning Wheel and reel along with her. And if in her absence, you
+    have not that due attendance, nor find that in the house and Kitchin things are not
+    so well taken care for, why then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance
+    of the Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you enjoied
+    the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child should sit much, it
+    might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe were ruined for ever. It is also too
+    weak yet to be any waies roughly handled; but it begins from day to day to grow
+    stronger and stronger: Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit
+    all your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, and drinks
+    not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no small Pleasure for the
+    Father and Mother to see that this little young Gosling can so perfectly distinguish
+    the tast of the Wine, from the tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder
+    years, perhaps they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it.
+    But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes people quickly
+    gray-headed.</p>
+    <p>Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at an end; you
+    will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels or small Pox; and then
+    you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might not be <a name="Page_127"
+    id="Page_127"></a>disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no
+    wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and measeling when he is
+    five &amp; twenty years of age? But on the contrary there may then perchance appear
+    so many glimps of marriage Pleasures from him, that such small things will not be
+    once lookt at.</p>
+    <p>For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I have told
+    you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a pretty sweet Gentlewoman
+    she'l grow to be; how modestly &amp; orderly she goes to learn to write and read; but
+    most especially to prick samples; which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before
+    she hath half learnt to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making
+    of Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.</p>
+    <p>Otherwise both you &amp; her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in seeing
+    your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil deportments; and that she
+    begins to study in the book of <i>French manners and behaviours</i>; and knows also
+    how to dress up her self so finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all
+    the neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves very much
+    honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of
+    their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct one another in the newest fashions,
+    finest Flanders Laces, the difference and richness of Stuffs, the <a name="Page_128"
+    id="Page_128"></a>neatest cut Gorgets, and many more such Jincombobs as these. Nay,
+    and what's more, they begin also to invite and treat each other like grave persons,
+    according as the opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums;
+    then with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts &amp; Figs; and afterwards with
+    some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of Tee, or else to eat
+    some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if the Coast be clear to their minds to
+    a good joint of meat &amp; a Sallad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these
+    delicious conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a
+    bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very pleasing to see
+    that they do so observe the making good of the old Proverb,</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>As old Birds did, the young ones sing, Which is a very pleasant
+    thing.</i></p>
+    <p>Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your selves of so
+    many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to the very entrance to
+    repossess your selves of them over again; and perchance they'l never depart from you
+    as long as you see the one day follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in
+    relating your happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can
+    happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your heart, and abhor
+    everlastingly <a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a>the thoughts of relating it; then
+    you will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into your Company,
+    &amp; then also will your estate and condition be famous through the whole World.</p>
+    <h2>Conclusion.</h2>
+    <p>Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married people, who are
+    but indifferently gifted with temporal means, indeavour to puff up each other with
+    vain and airy hopes and imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles,
+    vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights
+    and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their own miserable condition,
+    or else to draw others into the same unhappy snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But
+    it is most sad and lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown
+    themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then it was before:
+    For they, who at first could but very soberly and sparingly help themselves, do find
+    when they are married, that they must go through not only ten, but at least a
+    thousand cares and vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten
+    Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any of
+    those, which many times are so different <a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a>and
+    contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of
+    dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting &amp; scratching into the
+    bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish,
+    proud, opinionated, domineering, and unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides
+    there are a great number (which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please
+    others, and Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise themselves
+    so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long they can hardly close their
+    Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder much, if you see the greatest part of women
+    (tho they trick themselves never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their
+    Parents are fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may
+    disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen that they are in
+    effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, &amp;c. for we find both
+    Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those commodities.</p>
+    <p>Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out of this
+    dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a woman much more than a
+    Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon amongst all women kind could not find one
+    good. Observe by what hath befallen those that went before you, what is approaching
+    to your self, if you follow their <a name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></a>footsteps. And
+    be most certainly assured that the acutest pens are not able to expound the light
+    &amp; feasiblest troubles and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most
+    difficile and ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter of
+    a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon your heart; and
+    lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the glorious Apostle, <i>It is good for
+    man not to touch a woman</i>.</p>
+    <h4>The End of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h4>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></a>A LETTER</h2>
+    <h3>From one Friend to another,</h3>
+    <h3><i>Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry.</i></h3>
+    <p><i>SIR,</i></p>
+    <p>I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given me some
+    incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate upon the question you
+    propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is a matter of great importance, that
+    ought to be well pondered and considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize
+    &amp; celebrate it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very
+    same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they were affected;
+    but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and unboundedly with you, by reason I dare
+    speak unto you with more freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me
+    strictly to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I have of
+    this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then you <a name="Page_133"
+    id="Page_133"></a>may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my meaning
+    for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the disasters we are subject to
+    in our life time, that of Marriage takes preference from all the rest: But for as
+    much as it is necessary for the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by
+    such as are not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof.
+    Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there will happen to
+    him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to take a Wife. Those troubles
+    that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies of so small a strength! that he who hath
+    but the least magnanimity may easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are
+    such a burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he would, which
+    it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry then, you shall have a
+    thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand
+    plagues; and in a word, a thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to
+    your Grave. You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you every
+    day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to awake and disturb you in
+    the middle of your rest! and the fear of some mischance or other will feed your very
+    spirit with a continual trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to
+    awaken you out of sleep. Their <a name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></a>lives shall
+    hasten your death. You shall never be at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will
+    be pining at many insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be
+    vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your
+    very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which alwaies accompany this
+    evil, in the very happiest marriages. So that a Man ought in reality to confess, that
+    he who can pass away his daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is
+    a heavy burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is marriageable, will
+    do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to
+    either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections;
+    changes her behaviour, &amp; covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She
+    dissembleth her hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her
+    bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech and face; and to
+    say all in one word, she puts on the face of an Angel, till she hath found one or
+    other whom she thinks fit to deceive with her base tricks and actions. But having
+    caught him under the Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other
+    side of the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the naked
+    truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only forbad her to reveal: By
+    degrees <a name="Page_135" id="Page_135"></a>then vomiting up the venom that she so
+    long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is repenting, or the greatest
+    understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss,
+    who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a
+    Queen upon her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love her.
+    But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is oftentimes tempted; a
+    young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of
+    folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and
+    light hearted, she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of
+    her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can flatter you so
+    well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her freedom of spirit will appear
+    hypocritical to you: her airiness you will judge to be tricks that will be very
+    troublesom to you. If she love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and
+    sweet-tooth'd, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad
+    Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost you so much care
+    and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her
+    apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters with your mony. And in this manner her
+    lavishness, shall destroy all your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she
+    shall never <a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a>bring you much profit. In good
+    troth, I esteem very little those sort of things, which you imagine to have a great
+    delight in. 'Tis true, if you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without
+    either air or spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old
+    are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the innocent laught
+    at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and women without airiness, have
+    generally but small sence of love. In these last some body might say to you, that one
+    ought to take of them that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will
+    surge a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one who
+    fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the middle, to be the
+    higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise you to marry. Yet I would not
+    have you to beleeve, tho I so much discommend it, that it is no waies usefully
+    profitable. I esteem it to be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which
+    makes it bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you must then
+    conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to subject your self to the
+    toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most difficult to be born with; to pass by all
+    her deficiences; to assist her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to
+    approve of all her pleasures, &amp; whatsoever she also will you must condescend <a
+    name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a>to. Now you have heard and understood all my
+    reasons and arguments, you may then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that
+    you would willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it would
+    be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and vertues survive in your
+    children. But as to that I'l answer you, and say, that your reward shall be greater
+    in relieving the poor and needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and
+    procure you an everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to
+    your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that they are both
+    Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good trees do not alwaies bring
+    forth good fruit. If, when you have seriously perused this my Letter, you are not
+    affrighted at your intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And
+    beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles &amp; vexations of marriage, is
+    much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, then another in the whole
+    scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a single man may freely and resolutely
+    undertake all things, to Travel, go to battell, be solitary, &amp; live according to
+    his own delight; without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and
+    Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for their friends will
+    never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning <a name="Page_138"
+    id="Page_138"></a>your intention; and further I give you no other advice, then what
+    by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do well: but not marrying,
+    you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather then to marry, you shall alwaies
+    find me to be</p>
+    <p class="poem">SIR<br />
+    <span class="i4"><i>Your very humble servant</i></span></p>
+    <p class="signature">A.B.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a>The</h1>
+    <h1>CONFESSION</h1>
+    <h1>Of the</h1>
+    <h1>New Married Couple.</h1>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/title2.png"><img src="images/title2_th.jpg"
+    alt="THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE" title="" /></a><br />
+    THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE<br />
+    LONDON,<br />
+    PRINTED in the JEAR 1683.<br />
+    <i>Published by The Navarre Society, London.</i></p>
+    <h1><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a>The</h1>
+    <h1>CONFESSION</h1>
+    <h1>Of the</h1>
+    <h1>New Married Couple,</h1>
+    <h2>Being</h2>
+    <h2>The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h2>
+    <h3>Relating</h3>
+    <h3><i>The further delights and contentments that ly masked under the bands of
+    Wedlock.</i></h3>
+    <h4>Written by <i>A. Marsh.</i> Typogr.</h4>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="./images/title-design.png" alt="" title="" /></p>
+    <h4>LONDON,</h4>
+    <h5>Printed in the year 1683.</h5>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h3><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143"></a>To the READER.</h3>
+    <p>Courteous Reader,</p>
+    <p><i>Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go forward with a
+    Second, which I here present thee with; being now indifferently confident that it
+    will be no worse used by Thee then the Brother of it was: I hope there is never a
+    Part of it, in which thou wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for
+    such as profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the gestur of
+    casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell you a notorious ly, I
+    would not have them to study in it, by reason it speaks a great deal of truth, and
+    will not be so suitable to their humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is
+    scrambled together, which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in
+    such</i> holding forth <i>Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make use
+    of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their Spirits with a little
+    laughter, and never busie their brains with the subversion of State and Church
+    government: And being well received by such, it is as much as is expected by him who
+    is thine. Farewell</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a>The</h1>
+    <h1>CONFESSION</h1>
+    <h1>Of the</h1>
+    <h1>New Married Couple,</h1>
+    <h3>Being</h3>
+    <h2>The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h2>
+    <hr />
+    <h2>INTRODUCTION.</h2>
+    <p>It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many traverses and
+    tossings too and again, they return quietly home to their studies and rememorates all
+    the unexpected pleasure that they encountred with upon the one Coast, and the
+    horrible vexations and confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning
+    thereof, doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and conveyeth
+    them through all the Countries, without so much as the least moving of a foot. Just
+    so it goes with those that have been under the Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed
+    from them: These being then come to be solitary, at rest, <a name="Page_146"
+    id="Page_146"></a>and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate and recogitate what
+    pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings and crosses they met with at other
+    times. And the writing down of these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the
+    received pleasures; but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for
+    them to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys are still
+    approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know not the sweetness of the
+    Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon that they may with all earnestness Sail
+    unto it, and possess those joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you
+    Ten Pleasant Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and
+    not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous Reader add unto
+    them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married people have since confessed,
+    or to be short with you, was formerly wink'd at, and passed over.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate11.png"><img src="images/plate11_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 11" title="" /></a><br />
+    9<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a>The First Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised
+    Portion</i>.</h3>
+    <p>Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part of your
+    Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal delights in it. But
+    what is there in this World that we grow not weary of? You have seen that the
+    sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes, and the pleasurablest Country Scituations,
+    with al their rich fruits, finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of
+    them.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it is
+    possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst the rest the gain of
+    mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this appears to be the least burthensom,
+    tho it have much trouble in it. Therefore is it very much commendable, O young
+    Couple, though you have a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of
+    Marriage testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your apparel,
+    and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate how to make the best
+    benefit of your stock; and so much the more, because your Predecessors got it with a
+    slavish diligence, reaped it together with sobriety, kept it with <a name="Page_148"
+    id="Page_148"></a>care, and finally left it unto you for your great pleasure. It is
+    then also not strange, if you, as true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the
+    best profit of it; to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find
+    that they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily this is one
+    of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could but any waies make the dead
+    sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice
+    at so happy and carefull an intention of you their children.</p>
+    <p>And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable, then to begin
+    with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily gain, yeelds every day new
+    pleasures, and by consequence a merry life. 'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater
+    respect, and yeelds also sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it
+    is for the most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the destruction of
+    young people, and so intangles the merriest part of their lives, that fears and cares
+    deprives them of their night rest. If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a
+    fear that the Ships at sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If
+    they will assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are also
+    so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes them very slow and
+    circumspect; or if they be not <a name="Page_149" id="Page_149"></a>so, it is to be
+    feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself might come to be
+    lost.</p>
+    <p>But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for every moment you
+    get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who buy continually with ready
+    mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and trust the new. Yea all the news that goes
+    about the City, is brought home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman
+    brought to bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure can
+    there be then this?</p>
+    <p>Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant to your
+    husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so by degrees learn to
+    understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the customers; whereby you can in his
+    absence, also help the customers, and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you
+    oftentimes attain to as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband
+    himself.</p>
+    <p>You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in this choice,
+    and that not only for your husband, but principally for your self. For if that
+    mischance might happen to you, that death should bereave you of your husband, you
+    find your self oftentimes setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self,
+    and set forward with <a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a>reputation. Nay though you
+    might happen to have children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in
+    the same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from them, which
+    will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and over whom there is seldom so
+    much command, as over ones own children.</p>
+    <p>And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows quick, he
+    perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else may be taken by the hand
+    that is also profitable, and then he will alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise
+    that is secure and advantagious.</p>
+    <p>It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your housekeeping,
+    and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure with your Gossips as you
+    formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if your husband had taken any sort of
+    Merchandice in hand; because that a Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it
+    were also wedded to the Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much
+    less to new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the Trade,
+    and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both and junket together;
+    which makes no small confusion in the family; but little regard must be taken about
+    that, for the importantest must alwaies be taken care of.</p>
+    <p>And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment, begin once
+    to take <a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a>possession of you, the thoughts of all
+    the former pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are more
+    noble and becoming, <i>viz.</i> in the well governing of your Men and Maid-servants
+    in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they be obedient unto you; the
+    Family must be wel taken care of; going to Market with the Maid to buy that which is
+    good, and let her dress it to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the
+    Maid neatly drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of
+    Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your got a little
+    farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly and finically drest up; and in
+    hearing of it, whilest it is in the standing stool, calling in its own language so
+    prettily Daddy and Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever
+    you go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home again in your
+    Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you have it) to be by your
+    Baby.</p>
+    <p>And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends and
+    neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in Bridewell, nor the Bow
+    ever stiff bent) why then you have Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for
+    pleasure as devotion. And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then
+    you may sing tantarroraara three daies <a name="Page_152" id="Page_152"></a>together,
+    and get your fill of it. So that you may find time enough to take your delight and
+    pleasure, tho you be a little tied to a Shop.</p>
+    <p>This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some of the
+    nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop, and to furnish it
+    with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make that you may alwaies say Yea and
+    never No to the Customers.</p>
+    <p>O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is otherwise
+    somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by his friends! and how
+    joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at first seemed to be high-spirited, is now
+    herewith so absolutely contented.</p>
+    <p>O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent upon one
+    subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of Wedlock and love together!
+    Certainly to be of one mind, may very well be said to be happily married, and called
+    a Heaven upon Earth.</p>
+    <p>Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too monstrously, as
+    if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be found in it. Now they would see
+    how that Love in her curious Crusible, melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To
+    this all Chymists vail their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the <a
+    name="Page_153" id="Page_153"></a>hardest Minerals as soft as Milk and Butter. This
+    Art surpasseth all others.</p>
+    <p>Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht upon. The man
+    hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French Manufactures and Galantries,
+    &amp;c. But the Woman thinks it would be much better, if they handled by the gross in
+    Italian Confits, Candied and Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds,
+    Pistaches, Bon Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek
+    and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine; which is a
+    Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast, and beloved by all the
+    World. And by this she thinks she shall procure as many Customers as her husband,
+    because she hath familiar acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw
+    away much mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and
+    Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she received an
+    honourable visit.</p>
+    <p>O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife! that takes care
+    and considers with her self for the doing all fit and necessary things to the best
+    advantage. And really she is not one jot out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize
+    is both relishing and delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.<a
+    name="Page_154" id="Page_154"></a></p>
+    <p>Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne Wood, and
+    to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And you are happy, that Master
+    Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good
+    acquaintance, and so near by the hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most
+    curiously together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you
+    would swear it is all of one piece.</p>
+    <p>Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go thus
+    forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be, at the least, a span
+    too little. O how glad you'l be, when this trouble is but once over! and that the
+    Shop is neatly built, painted, gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.</p>
+    <p>O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be when this new
+    Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one Counter commending, praising
+    and selling, and one servant bringing commodities to him, and another hath his hands
+    full with measuring and weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment
+    enough with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the Customers. Then
+    it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass that your Predecessors got such
+    fine sums of mony together, and left them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you
+    ought also, even as they did, to provide <a name="Page_155" id="Page_155"></a>your
+    selves with a curious and easie to be remembred Sign, because your Customers by
+    mistake might not come to run into your Neighbors Shops.</p>
+    <p>I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper, first hung
+    out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson, but by reason of his great
+    custom, they called him, by the nick name, of James in the Sheep; which remains still
+    as a name to the generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well
+    customed Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the sign
+    of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy whose name was also
+    William Jackson, for the making a distinction between them, they gave him the name of
+    William the Silkworm, which also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common
+    only among the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among Coachmen,
+    Wagoners, and others.</p>
+    <p>But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our new married
+    Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the earnest desire they have to see
+    all things accomplished, and their Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got
+    on his doublet, tho he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you
+    come to this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in <a
+    name="Page_156" id="Page_156"></a>the way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it
+    will be much the pleasanter.</p>
+    <p>For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be wanting to
+    fill all the corners and places with commodities that must be sold by length of time,
+    and to stand out the trust; and also with patience and meekness expect the coming of
+    mony from slow and bad paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the
+    promised Portion.</p>
+    <p>Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made his full
+    account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised Portion; not doubting
+    but that the young womans lay all totally ready told of in bags; and thought to take
+    it in the best sence, I will pay my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in
+    peaceable times, when there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are
+    better furnisht, will then give him the principal.</p>
+    <p>And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since other mens
+    fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an answer, <i>With young men
+    must be promised, and with daughters must be given.</i> And others make their sons
+    give them a bond, wherein he, as by example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his
+    father six hundred pound, whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to
+    give in marriage with his son six hundred pound: which <a name="Page_157"
+    id="Page_157"></a>at last comes to nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect
+    cheat to deceive and hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her
+    Guardians.</p>
+    <p>It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are discovered,
+    there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come to the true pleasure.</p>
+    <p>But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side, you can get
+    provisionally your interest, and when times mend your principal. Perhaps it will not
+    be half so well with your wives estate, for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath
+    spent and run out more in gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her
+    estate could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues thereof
+    received and consumed long before they were due.</p>
+    <p>'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is this
+    approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her Guardians, to see if
+    they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in. But to his good fortune, he finds it
+    in a much better condition than he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent
+    much less in her apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that
+    there's not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to be paid
+    unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides apparel <a
+    name="Page_158" id="Page_158"></a>and the other accoutrements. Well this is an
+    extraordinary pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many
+    hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that otherwise would
+    not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one may easily perceive that mony
+    increaseth love very much; and that Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and
+    so diligent in search of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the
+    Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a very close
+    intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten double salaries (and that
+    ofttimes too from both sides) if they can but help anyone to a good bargain, and that
+    he obtains access; and afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a
+    match. But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with, is well
+    known to the whole World.</p>
+    <p>You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim to possess
+    the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting voices of these crafty
+    Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon the <i>Scylla</i> and <i>Charibdis</i>
+    where the Hellish Furies seem to keep their habitation. These are the only
+    Occasioners of bad Matches, and such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once
+    affoards both Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159"></a>But our new married Couple went clear another
+    way to work, who now to their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks,
+    injoy such multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of
+    kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast Estate to be gained
+    thereby: So that they find, that in that estate, there are not only Ten, but a
+    thousand Pleasures cemented together in it; whereof in the following shall be
+    demonstrated in some part the imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished
+    Portrait.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate12.png"><img src="images/plate12_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 12" title="" /></a><br />
+    27<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2>The Second Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the Doctors
+    advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions.</i></h3>
+    <p>Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, sympathetically
+    minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, how to breathe into each other
+    their burning hearts-desire, wherewith the one doth as it were kindle the other, and
+    do every moment renew and blow on again their even just now extinguished
+    delights.</p>
+    <p>Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the longest Summer
+    daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their affections; they hardly know
+    how to find out time that they may bestow some few hours <a name="Page_160"
+    id="Page_160"></a>in taking care for the ordring and setting all things in a decent
+    posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall alwaies live thus,
+    <i>Salamander</i>-like in the fire, without being ever indamaged by it. But time will
+    teach them this better. In the mean while we will make our selves merry with the
+    pleasure of this married Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with
+    severall brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.</p>
+    <p>But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other pastime then
+    to entertain each other in all manner of kind imbracements, and to chear up their
+    hearts therein to the utmost. Here it may be plainly seen how pleasant and
+    delightfull it is for the young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the
+    longer the more frank and jocund.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>So, that to us, her countenance doth display<br />
+    Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day.</i></p>
+    <p>But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self insensible, yet
+    maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new married Man, before few months
+    are expired, find that he becomes the very subject of flouting at and laughter, among
+    his former boon Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of
+    a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, and thinness of
+    his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.<a name="Page_161" id="Page_161"></a></p>
+    <p>And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that he himself
+    beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid their mockeries, casts it
+    of from him as far as possible may be. But his own opinion doth so clearly convince
+    him, that in himself he ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.</p>
+    <p>But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and drinks, he thinks
+    that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself inwardly weaker of body rallies
+    with his own distemper, in hopes that by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he
+    may from them understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;
+    and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from your wife and
+    Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, or else you'l become like one
+    of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, if that be true, I have spent my reckoning
+    this evening very happily.</p>
+    <p>Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night discontented
+    in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has walkt in a dump from Towerhill
+    to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best for him to do, and how to compass the matter
+    neatly. For to remain so from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the
+    usual family duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the matter
+    is, is yet worse. To leave of<a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a> Tobacco, and eat
+    knuckles of Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink Chocolate,
+    that sticks against the stomack.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers affection.
+    Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he resolves to deny his
+    dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to that purpose will somtimes in an
+    evening feign to have the headake, or that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no
+    absolutely;) and thereby commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the
+    morning, as if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &amp;c. and hunts up and
+    down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it himself in
+    milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate instead of Tobacco; and he
+    feigning that he hath an extraordinary delight in it; and on the other side, perswade
+    his wife that he has a huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and
+    new-laid Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.</p>
+    <p>But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather weaker then
+    stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who immediately prescribes a
+    small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty or more several sorts of herbs, to be
+    infused in a pottle of old Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern
+    thereof at a time: Item a Plaister to <a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a>be applied
+    to his Stomack; and an unguent for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to
+    chafe the Temples of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet,
+    &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife; therefore must be
+    laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German Doctor, who without stop or stand,
+    according to the nature of his country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as
+    followeth: <i>Ach Herr, ihr zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr
+    habt in des Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
+    Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze kranckheyt haben,
+    wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt,
+    ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier
+    andermaal tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
+    triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und Enteneyeren, die
+    wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket,
+    Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und
+    Taubengehirn viel gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken;
+    es is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und mechtich
+    werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich zein</i>.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164"></a><i>In English thus</i>.</p>
+    <p>Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in the
+    mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, if you make not use
+    of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of sickness; but if you do take it,
+    you'l be very quickly and dextrously cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour
+    you may both storm and take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make
+    often use of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with fat
+    meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps and Goats milk boild
+    with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in
+    them; and drink temperately Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing
+    of this, you will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
+    acceptable to your dearly beloved.</p>
+    <p>Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives
+    that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of words but few effects for his
+    mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before
+    made use of; and is therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that
+    boiling and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him take a <a
+    name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a>resolution to let it take its course. But still
+    growing weaker and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
+    for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is
+    troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins of his back, a lameness in
+    his joints that he can hardly lift his arm to his head; together with a foulness of
+    his stomack, which makes him that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all
+    up again, &amp;c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the
+    ground of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.</p>
+    <p>O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will
+    come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers
+    at the playing of his own part, and never fails to note down his Visits; but most
+    especially if he have the delivery of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them
+    then so largely to account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
+    Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the tiding of a new
+    Bankrupt.</p>
+    <p>But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for nothing; and
+    it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new remedies; especially when we
+    see that you constantly write.</p>
+    <p class="ctr">Rx <i>Vini Rhenani vetustissimi &amp; generostssimi M ij</i>.</p>
+    <p>And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and Tansies,
+    &amp;c.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a>Though since the Patient, like making a
+    Martyr of himself, is in this manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly
+    beloved Wife is not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
+    come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of consolation to the good
+    woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken such deep root in her heart, that no
+    crums of comfort, though ever so powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the
+    seeing of a husband who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine,
+    to ly sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and mollifie it
+    with showers of tears.</p>
+    <p>But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with this
+    sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it known to good
+    acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you before) are very ready to appear
+    with their flouts and gibes, and instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the
+    Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then
+    half your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your wives; and we
+    alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate Wedding-wine for you, that
+    you would have desired us to have taken the like care for to have such at yours, and
+    afterwards at your Wives lying-in. Yet since <a name="Page_167" id="Page_167"></a>it
+    hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor hath taken so much the better care for
+    it.</p>
+    <p>Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the same time,
+    as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last receipt had ordered Rhenish
+    Wine.</p>
+    <p>And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce abundance
+    of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast up a hundred Receits
+    which makes <i>Peggy</i> the maid blush and be most cruelly ashamed at; but behind
+    the Window she listens most sharply to hear what's told and confessed by those that
+    be in the Chamber, as to the further matter of fact.</p>
+    <p>For Master <i>Barebreech</i> relates, that as he was travelling the last Summer
+    into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through Edenburgh, met there
+    with his cousin Master <i>Coldenough</i>, who look'd so lean and pale-fac'd; that
+    Master <i>Barebreech</i> told him, in truth Cousin, I should hardly have known you;
+    verily you look as if you were troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a
+    first lying-in through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
+    you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too true. I went from
+    home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks or a month, that I might store my
+    self with fresh provisions, and sing a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho,
+    Ho, saith Master<a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a> <i>Barebreech</i>, flatter not
+    your self with such a fancy, that you'l get as much up again in three weeks or a
+    month, as you have been running behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a
+    frolick go into France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
+    together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then when we come home
+    again, you'l find your self so well, and both you and your wife will be thankfull to
+    me as long as you live for my good advice of taking this journy. To be short, the
+    Cousins travell together, and Master <i>Coldenough</i> came home so lusty, fat and
+    plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired mightily
+    that he was so fat and corpulent.</p>
+    <p>At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having toss'd up their
+    cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh Kan, and Master <i>Winetast</i>
+    begins to relate how that he used to be familiarly acquainted with a certain brave
+    Judge, who had a bucksom bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which
+    at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very cleaverly by
+    his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately,
+    without further delay, go upon a journy; having read that, prepares himself with his
+    man forthwith to be going.</p>
+    <p>But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take some important
+    <a name="Page_169" id="Page_169"></a>writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
+    privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her displeasure to tell her,
+    who delivered him that Letter; with a promise of her favour if he spoke the truth.
+    Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the
+    Judge; but he hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
+    know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will have the
+    greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear anything, said her
+    Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.</p>
+    <p>A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and walking with
+    his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of Sheep, having but one Ram
+    amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one
+    Sheep hath such horns, and the t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the
+    Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
+    answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes Hony, saies the
+    Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) alas poor Creature, how must you
+    long then to walk some other Road!</p>
+    <p>There had been more related; for Master <i>Carouser</i> was entred upon a new
+    subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to break of.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a>But <i>Ellen</i> the starchster, being busie
+    in the Kitchin with the Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in;
+    saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by my truly
+    Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this
+    is clear another thing, this sickness is not without great danger; and it would be no
+    such wonder, if my husband hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the
+    Pleasures of Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.</p>
+    <p>But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the Pleasures
+    so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as it were for the present
+    hid behind the Curtains; neither must you expect to sail alwaies before wind and
+    tide; and beleeve me there are yet other Nuts to be krackt.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <h2>The Third Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's sake.
+    The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing.</i></h3>
+    <p>It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel striving against
+    the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made and furnisht, then the good Man
+    falls sick, and keeps the first Lying in.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate13.png"><img src="images/plate13_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 13" title="" /></a><br />
+    50<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a>But Experience having taught him, that with
+    relishing and solid dishes a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable,
+    to take a journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers in
+    other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which means he may as
+    well take as good care for his health, as he doth of his Shop-keeping.</p>
+    <p>Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their loves so
+    tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young woman thinks she shall
+    do, as formerly <i>Cyana</i> did, either consume her self in tears, or drown'd her
+    self in a River, if she must suffer this.</p>
+    <p>Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of mankind, if
+    her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not then but beleeve that the
+    married estate is full of incomprehensible and inexhaustible pleasures and
+    sweetnesses? Do but behold how these two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray
+    observe what a number of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch
+    actions are used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the reason
+    of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these effeminate
+    passions.</p>
+    <p>Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between her Sister and
+    her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; <a name="Page_172"
+    id="Page_172"></a>and using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull
+    heart merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
+    bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, suppose ye did
+    all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with me!</p>
+    <p>But because time and good company help to decline and pass away sorrow; she very
+    happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit opportunity, to invite her Neeces
+    and Bridemaids and other good acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty
+    familiar, to come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
+    have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times with Tarts,
+    Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that she is as yet ashamed for
+    not having made them some recompence. And she never could find an occasion that was
+    convenient before, because one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another
+    time with her Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
+    pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for trivial
+    expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat she received, was for
+    the most part done, to bring her acquainted with this or that Gentlewomans Brother,
+    or Cousin, or some other pretty Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might
+    <a name="Page_173" id="Page_173"></a>happen to make a gallant Match; and indeed the
+    first original of the wooing, and acquaintance with her beloved, had there its
+    foundation.</p>
+    <p>To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies appear so
+    well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer themselves to be conducted
+    to the place by one or other of their Gallants; who then either very easily are
+    persuaded, or it may be of themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this
+    must be done and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
+    mony as well as her husband.</p>
+    <p>Here now must <i>Doll</i> run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a Rowling-pin, and
+    some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest
+    <i>Mage</i> is also hardly able to stand longer upon her legs, with running up and
+    down to fetch new-laid Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &amp;c. The
+    Mistriss and <i>Doll</i> are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both
+    helpt to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook must be
+    spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and <i>Mage</i> must run to the
+    Confit-makers in <i>Black-Fryers</i>, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all
+    other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients,
+    &amp;c. for she knows best where all those things are to be had. And for a principal
+    dish there ought to be a Pot <a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a>of Venison, a
+    couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and
+    Olives for the Gentlemen, because they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And
+    truly they that bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
+    but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not,
+    neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats so many of his friends and
+    acquaintance, and then again next day following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may
+    very well play my part once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't
+    what will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this three years.
+    And against next morning, very privately, she invites the Gentlewomen alone, to come
+    about nine a clock in the morning, to eat hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come
+    precisely out of the Oven; and in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit,
+    Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or
+    be fetcht ne'r so far.</p>
+    <p>Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago was so
+    sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly there's nothing comes
+    out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then womens tears!</p>
+    <p>But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all
+    things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover there <a name="Page_175"
+    id="Page_175"></a>there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
+    Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their Patron, hang like
+    Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the sorrowfull, and to rejoice with
+    the joifull. But it is now a time to be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for
+    all is done under the Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman
+    had not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the pleasures of
+    marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there was no looking for them.</p>
+    <p>Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in sight;
+    which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have been seen in a house;
+    nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but now every one knows how to play
+    artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games
+    that the expertest Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
+    their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to
+    play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that in a short time they can and
+    also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies
+    find, that every one of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School,
+    and to act the part of a Mistriss.<a name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></a> And most
+    especially they learn to discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof;
+    just as these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never seen that
+    they practised this lesson themselves.</p>
+    <p>But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing of these
+    tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing,
+    for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what
+    paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their
+    Mistresses footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
+    together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that we thought it
+    necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures of Marriage, also to be set
+    down in the Third Table of the First Part.</p>
+    <p>Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be
+    grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their
+    innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they,
+    and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to
+    Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore
+    this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
+    gotten a <a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a>delicate bit by the by, cannot fare
+    well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for
+    it.</p>
+    <p>But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this
+    evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning
+    women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand
+    witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser
+    Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:<br />
+    Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best.</i></p>
+    <p>Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate
+    stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending
+    themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that
+    walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether
+    our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
+    done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be
+    very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom
+    Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing
+    themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors
+    <a name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></a>or at the least Widowers; then casting out a
+    discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the
+    Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must
+    stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a
+    Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell
+    their Wives, or their father Confessors of.</p>
+    <p>Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before
+    hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour;
+    to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish
+    Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where
+    there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.</p>
+    <p>Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out
+    the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not
+    possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure,
+    to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd
+    upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their
+    considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and
+    pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition <a name="Page_179"
+    id="Page_179"></a>taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might
+    chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be
+    subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends
+    and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with
+    the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and
+    severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.</p>
+    <p>But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly
+    astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with
+    her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to
+    shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an
+    inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received;
+    and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to
+    be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and
+    faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been
+    to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at
+    quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors
+    Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and
+    telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, <a
+    name="Page_180" id="Page_180"></a>some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by <i>leger
+    de main</i>: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible
+    quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in
+    order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again
+    alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
+    finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her
+    husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating
+    her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in
+    good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.</p>
+    <p>All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of
+    the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so
+    much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again
+    with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited
+    to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
+    further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as
+    matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate14.png"><img src="images/plate14_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 14" title="" /></a><br />
+    65<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a>The Fourth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest.</i></h3>
+    <p>As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less
+    admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the
+    World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house
+    keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily,
+    those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
+    stars.</p>
+    <p>It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable multitude of
+    glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple
+    receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they
+    Lording over it.</p>
+    <p>You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to
+    your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron
+    Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out
+    to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble
+    Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an
+    object!<a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a></p>
+    <p>Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence
+    be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times
+    it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places
+    were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
+    coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country
+    and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the
+    other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any
+    sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a
+    Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both
+    shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.</p>
+    <p>And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first
+    to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the
+    command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony
+    which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is
+    appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
+    should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid
+    out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are
+    without end, name or number, and <a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a>it is
+    impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise
+    the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new
+    things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to
+    have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her
+    Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.</p>
+    <p>And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums,
+    according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and
+    an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that
+    belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility,
+    demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.</p>
+    <p>Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what
+    condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her
+    husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive
+    whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might
+    come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see
+    and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward
+    or gone backward in the World.</p>
+    <p>And what's more yet, it would be a great <a name="Page_184"
+    id="Page_184"></a>shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her
+    husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she
+    should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
+    hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to
+    puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And
+    on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband
+    to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the
+    Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is
+    most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is
+    so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if
+    he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that
+    she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
+    imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they
+    ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth,
+    the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the
+    Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and <a name="Page_185"
+    id="Page_185"></a>like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the
+    effect.</p>
+    <p>In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight,
+    in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a
+    difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get
+    Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife
+    seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable
+    suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or
+    other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the
+    stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own
+    pleasure.</p>
+    <p>And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so
+    circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for
+    all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the
+    Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in
+    his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she
+    goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as
+    possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it
+    is brought home by one or other of her trusty <a name="Page_186"
+    id="Page_186"></a>acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like
+    some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her
+    a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was
+    making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such
+    a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years,
+    &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon
+    how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to
+    cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire
+    her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her.
+    To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though
+    it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker
+    is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let
+    them see it.</p>
+    <p>In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and
+    hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be
+    sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of
+    necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left
+    to, by the decease of some friend, &amp;c.<a name="Page_187" id="Page_187"></a></p>
+    <p>Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away
+    and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole
+    pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;)
+    although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this
+    belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a
+    pain, patience is the best remedy.</p>
+    <p>But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young <i>Toby</i>, have
+    found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living
+    in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority;
+    but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom
+    of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife
+    wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your
+    family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.</p>
+    <p>And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the
+    Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the
+    consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that
+    to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and
+    pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, <a
+    name="Page_188" id="Page_188"></a>who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing,
+    that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet
+    know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the
+    mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably
+    and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one
+    year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they
+    do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.</p>
+    <p>These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because
+    this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing
+    to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift
+    of the Cash.</p>
+    <p>But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and
+    pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such
+    casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too
+    late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before
+    its half finished are weary of it. Therefore</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><i>To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,<br />
+    For many do repent, untill that they be dead;<br />
+    But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,<br />
+    A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate15.png"><img src="images/plate15_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 15" title="" /></a><br />
+    60<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189"></a>The Fifth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of
+    time is discovered</i>.</h3>
+    <p>Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht,
+    when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom
+    is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the
+    Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes
+    and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so
+    great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent
+    <i>Abigail</i>, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and
+    to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.</p>
+    <p>Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and
+    take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their
+    bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it.
+    Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to
+    their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a
+    laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no
+    labour <a name="Page_190" id="Page_190"></a>irksom, no morning too early, nor no
+    evening too late for them.</p>
+    <p>But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their
+    vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies
+    in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there
+    must, by every one in his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they
+    can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she
+    perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to
+    be.</p>
+    <p>If it be <i>Doctor of Physick</i>, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he
+    must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the
+    Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else
+    should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who
+    yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before
+    he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat
+    so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one
+    draught, to whip off a lusty glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the
+    Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him,
+    it causes the better operation.<a name="Page_191" id="Page_191"></a></p>
+    <p>Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't,
+    what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a
+    guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his
+    Art so perfect in his Pate.</p>
+    <p>For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a
+    Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him
+    for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both
+    so Silver clean!</p>
+    <p>Turn you about now to the <i>Counsellors</i>, and see how their Studies are all on
+    Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth,
+    this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their
+    measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to
+    sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal
+    worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they
+    may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.</p>
+    <p>Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with
+    Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes,
+    in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient
+    Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command <a name="Page_192"
+    id="Page_192"></a>freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the
+    Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their
+    concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase
+    a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this part may have the better
+    gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony,
+    which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some
+    body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment
+    received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only
+    taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by
+    the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing
+    Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.</p>
+    <p>By these the Foolwise <i>Notary's</i> for the most part join themselves; making
+    their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern,
+    about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of
+    Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge
+    who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence
+    then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a
+    Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two <a name="Page_193"
+    id="Page_193"></a>witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses;
+    bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain.
+    Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.</p>
+    <p>The like knowledge have also the <i>Merchants</i>, <i>Shop-keepers,</i> and others
+    who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable,
+    give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships,
+    Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then
+    a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or
+    occasion for any such sort of businesses.</p>
+    <p>And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of
+    people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of <i>brave
+    Negotiants</i>, their principallest aim is to obtain the name of <i>great
+    News-mongers,</i> and that hath so much tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a
+    person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.</p>
+    <p>Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring
+    what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know
+    what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what
+    Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling <a name="Page_194"
+    id="Page_194"></a>and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made
+    ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of
+    all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only
+    tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.</p>
+    <p>These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time
+    by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the
+    taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate,
+    or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most
+    remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike,
+    nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.</p>
+    <p>There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only
+    about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours
+    together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are
+    a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest
+    themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water
+    Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.</p>
+    <p>And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason that some
+    men, <a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a>in the Summer time, take their pleasure
+    most part of the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their
+    afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and Spaw-water. And
+    when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are early at the Strong-water
+    Shop; and in the evening late in the Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week
+    precisely, and that more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be
+    found at the Playhouses.</p>
+    <p>Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures in a Coach,
+    or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along the high ways, from one
+    Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and at every place where they see but a
+    conveniency to stable their Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an
+    infinite deal of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to
+    be chatting and chaffering with.</p>
+    <p>These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and Barges, who
+    with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all their occupations; nay,
+    although they were never so important, yet the very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows
+    not only all business out of their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops
+    and Counting-houses.</p>
+    <p>Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading
+    of their<a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a> Sails, hailing up their Spreet and
+    Leeboards, and all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home
+    they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the World, nay can
+    hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a gallant and pleasant day of weather,
+    would be a crime unpardonable.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,<br />
+    Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't.</i></p>
+    <p>Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the forenoon
+    precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the
+    week both morning and afternoon at their Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite
+    pleasure, hushing up their Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take;
+    looking upon the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending
+    the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light
+    Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and
+    making so much provision for their young ones, that they let both their own young,
+    and the house-keeping, run to destruction.</p>
+    <p>But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon certain
+    penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the Cock-pit; and there, before
+    the Battel begins, consume two or three hours at Tables, and in<a name="Page_197"
+    id="Page_197"></a> Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend there the coming of
+    their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. Here then a view must be taken of
+    each others Cocks, which are forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart
+    in their Coops either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most
+    convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if they were
+    persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great valour. Not a word must be
+    spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting.
+    Here Master Capon vaunts that his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag
+    of Sir John Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks
+    before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire Owls-eg, and claw'd
+    him off severely.</p>
+    <p>Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from
+    several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the Battel; hanging them up there in
+    ample form till it be their turns to fight. And there also you may behold Lord
+    Spendall brought thither in his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less
+    state; but seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of
+    Guinneys.</p>
+    <p>Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep alwaies six
+    and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of <a name="Page_198"
+    id="Page_198"></a>the Pit; never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his
+    ordinary dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs too, half
+    a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his reckoning in his pocket. But
+    if they both begin to appear with their Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear
+    Gentlemen, here comes the honour of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have
+    out of each Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a
+    Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the reckoning half a Crown
+    <i>extra</i> for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and chafing it by the fire, &amp;c.
+    But for this, they have the honour also to be in the Chamber with the principallest
+    Gentlemen, to sit in the best places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like
+    prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements
+    touching the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations,
+    Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or heard of in the
+    principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.</p>
+    <p>It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a Niggard, should
+    carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part must be given and generously
+    spent with the company. This is the duty of every one, whose Cock hath beaten
+    anothers out of the Pit, and went away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter
+    <a name="Page_199" id="Page_199"></a>if it were all spent, its no such great peece of
+    business; the honours more worth then the mony.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with the Table
+    covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for the coming home of him,
+    who seems to find and take more pleasure in Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock
+    himself to enter into the Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure
+    of marriage on the mens side.</p>
+    <p>But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath more pleasure
+    then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the feeding, clipping, salving,
+    and anointing of them, &amp;c. then ten good Nurses, and put them all together. And
+    moreover he hath all the pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and
+    tickle their fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the
+    more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the less.</p>
+    <p>And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies him down very
+    orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about the Curtains and Vallians
+    with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he did, for the same purpose, suck out all the
+    Cocks-Egshels, it would be a much more rare and pleasant sight.</p>
+    <p>There is yet another sort of men, which we <a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a>in
+    like manner find, that consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their
+    mony with Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with
+    Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their Dogs together,
+    and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony
+    must be set or stak'd down, though they hardly know how to find as much more again in
+    the whole World, and there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and
+    flesh in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the Wager be,
+    in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go themselves, and thump and
+    knock one another till they look more like beasts then men.</p>
+    <p>This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs at the Bear
+    Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be screw'd up to the highest, how
+    to get mony to make good their wagers; though Wife, House and Family should sink in
+    the mean while: Then away they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden,
+    and then the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at her,
+    and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the belly with her horns,
+    and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is much laught at; but his Master, very
+    earnestly and tenderly, catching him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he
+    comes off <a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a>with little better success: Then his
+    Adversary lets loose his Dog at the Bull, who running close with his belly to the
+    ground, fastens under the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking
+    and roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie caps and
+    hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this most noble victory.</p>
+    <p>Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the Bearard having
+    brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns him about, so that he may see
+    the Dog, that's to play at him; the Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel
+    strong Cur rises up to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no
+    small joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then there's
+    pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the Adversary let's fly his
+    Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being furious and angry that he was so plagu'd
+    with the first Dog, claps his paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he
+    howls and runs; there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see
+    the stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no mony at
+    home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth him worst of all, is,
+    that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.</p>
+    <p>But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate the
+    Confession of <a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a>another sort of Men; who are
+    generally of a longing temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay,
+    sometimes do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never so
+    damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>When Women long, it harms by chance,<br />
+    But mens desire's a worser dance.</i></p>
+    <p>And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to Women-kind; in so
+    much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon day, say to their
+    Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun,
+    half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a
+    multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted
+    neither beer nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd
+    persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate their longing
+    appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring
+    Caviart, with all their appurtenances. Much more their liquorishness at Oisters,
+    where they stand greedily swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves
+    time to send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.</p>
+    <p>If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some pleasure of
+    it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, <a name="Page_203"
+    id="Page_203"></a>that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily
+    satisfie their longing appetites.</p>
+    <p>Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to make use of
+    it in the company of women; although there be now a daies so much formality used with
+    it, and so much time idly spent in the consumption of it, that it seems almost as if
+    this herb were found out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the
+    occasion of an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have
+    intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons throughout the
+    whole City. And wo be to them that have the least symptom of a meazle upon their
+    tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are
+    the best News-Mongers for all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all
+    Kingdoms; and when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if they
+    had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes Courts; but
+    especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the Water be changed in to
+    Wine.</p>
+    <p>Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to know what
+    passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some hours, stand prating in
+    the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what news is there, what Pamphlets, what
+    Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; <a
+    name="Page_204" id="Page_204"></a>and then they must buy and read them, let it cost
+    what it will.</p>
+    <p>Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great prudence,
+    discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of the supreamest persons in
+    authority; and in their own imaginations know more then both the Houses of Lords and
+    Commons. Although they never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know
+    to the weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of the
+    three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which many times takes
+    such a deep root and impression upon them, and touches them so to the very heart,
+    that they absolutely forget the governing of their needfull affairs which they went
+    out about; for when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
+    person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own business, that he
+    can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, observe not
+    these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves easily to be fopt off by
+    their husbands; or else by a gentle salutation are appeased; but others who are
+    cunninger in the cares of their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these
+    doings with eys of pleasure.</p>
+    <p>Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and <a name="Page_205"
+    id="Page_205"></a>is naught else but a kind of a scabbiness that the most
+    accomplishedst marriages are infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus
+    neglect their times, and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are
+    diligent in looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do come
+    home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.</p>
+    <p>But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, that it
+    seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans contradiction, thinking,
+    that all what ever they do, is absolutely perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the
+    contrary, when their Wives go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what
+    time they ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to the
+    nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, concerning Laces,
+    Cookery, and other houshold occasions.</p>
+    <p>But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two agree so
+    well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in taking care of their
+    charge. That your husband many times saith unto you his houswife, my Dear, it is a
+    curious fair day, go walk abroad, and give a visit to some or other of your good
+    acquaintance; I shall tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of
+    all things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &amp;c. And you again in like
+    manner, <a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a>upon a good occasion, releeve your
+    husband, and take delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
+    pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.</p>
+    <p>If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes spend a
+    penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for you, because you know
+    that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and every fool must have one or t'other
+    bawble to play with.</p>
+    <p>You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the Tavern or
+    with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and Pembrooks Arcadia, did so
+    inchant you, that they forc't the mony out of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in
+    your Maiden estate with very good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may
+    therefore think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will have
+    somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they are busie with
+    that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis also undeniable, that men
+    cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their affairs; for verily if they be so, they are
+    for the most part great <i>Peep in the Pots</i> and directers of their Wives, who
+    have certainly their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
+    greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the actions of her
+    husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of <a name="Page_207"
+    id="Page_207"></a>his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
+    passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at night be so
+    earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.</p>
+    <p>'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of love, that a
+    woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if he keep no correspondence
+    with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and
+    waited upon, forsooth, to a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife
+    brings in the Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
+    happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these smaller sort
+    of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition between man and wife, and
+    continually talk of new Taverns and Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they
+    alwaies know where there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak,
+    as soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight, that we saw
+    you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the t'other, 'twas at the <i>Blew
+    Boar</i>, where I drunk the delicatest Wine that ever my lips tasted. You never
+    tasted the like on't. If I should live a thousand year, the tast would never be out
+    of my thoughts. Nay, if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of
+    those Grapes. Words cannot possibly<a name="Page_208" id="Page_208"></a> Decipher or
+    express the tast, though <i>Tully</i> himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk
+    of it, would make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
+    immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that you will, as well
+    as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and away they go: But it is not long
+    before you see those roses blossoming in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and
+    colour a neat draught is taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the
+    t'other Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he tasted a
+    Glass in Master <i>Empty Vessels</i> Cellar that was far delicater, and that he would
+    far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he acknowledges this to be very good. But the
+    pint being out, the first word is, <i>Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other
+    pint of the same Wine.</i> And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
+    the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good Wine. And this
+    pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, <i>All good things consist in
+    three:</i> so that we must have the t'other pint. Where upon the second saith, As
+    soon as this is out, we will go with the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean
+    Pints, to tast his and this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and
+    thus by the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that it is
+    impossible for them to depart from one <a name="Page_209" id="Page_209"></a>another,
+    because they every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
+    few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally squencht; not only
+    drawing men mightily out of their business, but keeping them late out from their
+    families; and making them like incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence
+    proceeds, that when they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well
+    to their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl or chide
+    with.</p>
+    <p>To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter, Kings Arms,
+    and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they commonly make their bargains
+    for buying and selling of Goods and Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before
+    they have spent a large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
+    thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very subtlely upon
+    the catch to overreach another in a good and advantagious bargain; by which means
+    they themselves are somtimes catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown
+    commodity, that they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there
+    they stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and know not
+    which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have made; in this manner,
+    bringing their<a name="Page_210" id="Page_210"></a> Wives and Children (if they let
+    them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for nothing of
+    grumbling and mumbling.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><span class="i2"><i>Some sorts of men,</i></span> <span
+    class="i2"><i>Are Tyrants when,</i></span> <i>Their thirsty Souls are
+    fill'd:</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They scold sore hot</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>Like</i> Peep
+    in th' Pot</span> <i>And never can be still'd.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They talk and prate</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>At such a
+    rate,</i></span> <i>And think of nought but evil;</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They fight and brawl,</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>And Wives do
+    mawl,</i></span> <i>Though all run for the Divel.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>But at their draugh,</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>They quaff
+    and laugh</i></span> <i>Amongst their fellow creatures.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They swear and tear</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>And never
+    fear</i></span> <i>Old</i> Nick <i>in his worst features.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>Who would but say</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>Then, by the
+    way</i></span> <i>That Woman is distressed,</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>Who must indure</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>An
+    Epicure</i></span> <i>With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.</i></p>
+    <p>In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are hot-headed with
+    <a name="Page_211" id="Page_211"></a>multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the
+    bad examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there are that will
+    in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they were their companions, into a
+    Tavern without making any sort of difference; and also, when there is a necessity or
+    occasion for it, know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence
+    and respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over their
+    children.</p>
+    <p>Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen, and his
+    son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some important affairs; but seeing
+    that at every Inn where they came, that his fellow-travellers were resolute blades,
+    and that he must pay as deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full
+    share of all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in the
+    ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter, drink; And as he
+    recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself very diligently lost no time to
+    get his share; which continued so long that going out of the chamber for their
+    necessities, they both fell into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms,
+    the son said, Father! are we not now like brothers?</p>
+    <p>By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples, may do. But
+    <a name="Page_212" id="Page_212"></a>you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear
+    this sort of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of excessive
+    drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent Taverns and Ale-houses;
+    and if he doth go once among good acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary,
+    which is but seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
+    he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the highest, or
+    those that make it their business, or spend their times in the Summer with going a
+    Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon which sort of Gentlemen this old rime
+    was made:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,<br />
+    Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing.</i></p>
+    <p>But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs; and for the
+    pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market, there buies a good joint of
+    meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready, and sits down and eats it with his beloved:
+    Then when he and you have very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or
+    three glas of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up stairs
+    into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for greater Pleasure then
+    this!</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213"></a>O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well
+    as your husband you can keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or
+    condition is there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly and
+    well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly once in a thousand
+    times that a match falls out so well. And although it did, yet it is not free from a
+    thousand crosses and dissatisfactions, which are done unto you either by children,
+    wicked friends, or somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they
+    were all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief and horror
+    in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it self. But one pound of the
+    hony of sweet love, can easily balance a hundred weight of that terrible and bitter
+    Wormwood.</p>
+    <p>But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young Gentlewomen, who
+    being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that doth not start back with a thousand
+    troublesom cogitations; and beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at
+    the least possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with some
+    what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel in his sences,
+    jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his companions; and that is more
+    then all these, keeps hid a certain imbecility <a name="Page_214"
+    id="Page_214"></a>in his defective nature; which is no waies to be discovered till
+    the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.</p>
+    <p>This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for marrying.
+    But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider, the weaknesses, strange
+    humors, and deficiences, that the most gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to;
+    experience will teach us, that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one
+    Tree.</p>
+    <p>And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike natured meet
+    together; but if two of contrary humors happen together, there is nothing to be
+    expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction; unless it happen that the understanding
+    of the one knows extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
+    letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may the prudentlier
+    sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the Haven of the Pleasures of
+    Marriage, whereas others on the contrary suffer most miserable Shipwrack.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate16.png"><img src="images/plate16_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 16" title="" /></a><br />
+    116<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215"></a>The Sixth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel for the
+    unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured.</i></h3>
+    <p>Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it is none of
+    the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming that she will act the part
+    of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of
+    jesting, and presently bawl and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some
+    other ill name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now a
+    daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for farthings a peece,
+    there would be less spectators, then there was to see the Sheep with five legs, or
+    the great Crocodile.</p>
+    <p>Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect these
+    Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of the breeches, must be
+    understood that they are over Lorded, and that the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O
+    miserable man, if your head be possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be
+    removed! Verily, if you had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the
+    Breeches, you would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
+    be <a name="Page_216" id="Page_216"></a>rid of them, if he could but get the lining
+    untorn or indamaged; for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of
+    those pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the better sort
+    of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the gaining of the Breeches,
+    wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were
+    all beaten out of fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
+    them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this wonderfull and
+    destructive War would never have risen to that fury. Therefore it is no small
+    prudence of the Women in these daies, who are descended from that family, to take
+    care, at the very first, for the good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be
+    well preserved.</p>
+    <p>But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we consider the
+    husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not in the highest degree
+    necessary, that she should have also a part of the masculine knowledge and authority?
+    Besides, women must be silent in Politick and Church-government, why should not they
+    have somthing to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly, that
+    the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be going hither or thither
+    to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to smoke <a name="Page_217"
+    id="Page_217"></a>a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if
+    then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers in the Shop,
+    or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should not in some measure shew
+    that she had in part the Breeches on, and that she could in the absence of her
+    Captain, take care of his Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept
+    in order, and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as mention
+    that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so excessive careless, that
+    if they had not had the good fortunes to get notable sharp-witted young women to
+    their Wives; they of themselves would have been quickly out of breath, and might now
+    perhaps be found in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.</p>
+    <p>O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand, to defend and
+    protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and houskeeping; why should not you have as
+    great commendations given you, as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times?
+    and who would not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront or
+    bespatter you?</p>
+    <p>I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that will be
+    relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken Nabal, he was well
+    instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and how little that he would <a
+    name="Page_218" id="Page_218"></a>obey or listen to the commands of so brave a
+    Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds or
+    provocatives they have given her for so doing.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad natured women,
+    as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, had alwaies a Lawfull excuse
+    or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was Socrates's wife, think that she had reason
+    enough on her side to scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured
+    Philosopher, and to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss.
+    Or that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to govern that sage
+    and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no means, for then that hot-spirited,
+    and high minded sex would prick up their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy
+    would all these hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands,
+    as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would be cropt in
+    the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.</p>
+    <p>Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and all your
+    delight is to please each others fancy: you have no difference about the Supremacy;
+    for the Authority of the one is alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more
+    because your husband never commands you as if you were <a name="Page_219"
+    id="Page_219"></a>a Maid; but with the sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my
+    Dearest, will you bid the Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that,
+    &amp;c. Oh if you could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how
+    happily and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many times, that
+    the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and grow to be so free, that
+    they will be solely and totally Master; and if their husbands through
+    kind-heartedness have given them a little more then ordinary liberty, they will have
+    the last word in spight of fate.</p>
+    <p>So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first and
+    Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, thought her self wise
+    enough to govern all things, and to bring him to her Bow; which, by degrees, to his
+    great discontent, did more and more increase in matters of the housekeeping.</p>
+    <p>But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having bought a
+    delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be his guest; and going home
+    with it, his wife powts, maunders and mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw
+    well enough how welcome he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to
+    remove this, which was in some measure done.</p>
+    <p>But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a couple of
+    delicate Pullets, <a name="Page_220" id="Page_220"></a>and sends them home with a
+    Porter; but the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of
+    them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back again: The good
+    man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the cross-grainedness of his wife, sends
+    them to a Tavern to be made ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to
+    dispatch them, and dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when
+    he came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and must serve
+    her for a future example. And she on the contrary persisting in her stif-necked ill
+    nature, made a path-road for the ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards,
+    to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the
+    breeches solely to his wife.</p>
+    <p>Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent handsom
+    Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured Gentleman; but the
+    Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a Doctor, acted the part of a
+    Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch
+    that all his sweet expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her
+    rage; yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. But he
+    seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and that she grew the longer
+    the more furious, <a name="Page_221" id="Page_221"></a>locks the dore to, and catches
+    her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open
+    a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the remaining part of that dance. Away she
+    flies immediately to her Father and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her
+    ill-natured obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the
+    intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce concluded on, which
+    did not long continue so. For she, beginning again her former wicked actions, made
+    him run to the Tavern there to allay his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the
+    Breeches. But now they are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.</p>
+    <p>Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good mild-natured
+    husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her authority and wickedness so
+    much the more over him; yea so far, that in the presence of several neighbors she
+    oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every
+    one <i>The incarnate Divel</i>. But he, after some years of suffering this martyrdom,
+    hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to cast himself away upon this
+    Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of him, being a just punishment, such a beloved,
+    that he thunderd her three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then
+    flew Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and <a name="Page_222"
+    id="Page_222"></a>gingling along the flore, and she on the top of them, well and warm
+    covered with good thumps and fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the
+    hair of the head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who can
+    but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to feel the least
+    motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the more, because that we see that
+    this present World is so mightily replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked
+    and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered
+    locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will be
+    agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being married, they abandon
+    all rationality, make their own passions their masters, and cannot understand by any
+    means the pleasures of their husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily
+    experience, that there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon
+    the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind compliance of their
+    Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand wonders and is as yet the most
+    powerfull to drive all stuborn and ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and
+    can lead them, as it were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and
+    Love.</p>
+    <p>O happy Women, who, in this manner have <a name="Page_223" id="Page_223"></a>the
+    hearts of men in your hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will;
+    what means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind actions to gain
+    the same on your side! you certainly know, that the main Butt which is aim'd at by
+    all mankind, is to pass through this short life of ours with pleasure and quietness:
+    But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath
+    hapned upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?</p>
+    <p>Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves to be led
+    away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or strangle themselves in
+    the curled locks of women; but would imbrace their kind naturedness to be the
+    surpassingest beauty.</p>
+    <p>But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of so many,
+    that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all
+    exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a pit of infinite horrors and
+    vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two
+    thousand pound, then a mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand
+    Vertues.</p>
+    <p>This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when he gave out
+    his commands that no Parents should give any portions with their Daughters in
+    marriage, or might leave them any thing for an inheritance; <a name="Page_224"
+    id="Page_224"></a>because he would not have them to be desired in marriage by any,
+    but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious remained, just as now
+    doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and cast aside, and every Maid was hereby
+    spur'd up, that her Vertues might in brightness and splendor surpass others.</p>
+    <p>Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts of Lycurgus,
+    have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is beautifull, rich, good
+    natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know her well, that you might the better
+    woe her, and so be happy in marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and
+    wandring Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of
+    marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast your selves upon
+    an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the Breeches already on, and will
+    vex you with all the torments imaginable in the World. Do but use these few remedies
+    for your squandered brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune
+    and tranquility.</p>
+    <div class="blkquot">
+      <p>Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are
+      insulting, self-conceited, and proud.</p>
+      <p>Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine
+      themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.</p>
+      <p><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225"></a>Shun those who are much lesser then your
+      self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much
+      prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than
+      another indeavour to domineer over her husband.</p>
+      <p>Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.</p>
+      <p>Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently
+      considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.</p>
+      <p>Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not
+      given to the Gods themselves.</p>
+      <p>Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know
+      how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.</p>
+      <p>If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage
+      upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles
+      that that estate is subject to.</p>
+    </div>
+    <p>If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much
+    assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the
+    Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill
+    condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as
+    thought of, or expected from her.<a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a> Cornelius
+    Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives,
+    e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they
+    be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if they be
+    dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the
+    wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell
+    not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea
+    of repentances.</p>
+    <p>And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no
+    remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid
+    natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious
+    Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish
+    fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will
+    expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of
+    him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.</p>
+    <div class="blkquot">
+      <p>Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.</p>
+      <p>Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family.
+      For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.<a
+      name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a></p>
+      <p>Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue
+      is the greatest Gentility.</p>
+      <p>Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are
+      of an evill reput.</p>
+      <p class="poem"><i>To be a lover of such houses,<br />
+      Makes him to think of other Spouses</i>.</p>
+      <p>If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.</p>
+      <p>Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very
+      gain is loss.</p>
+      <p>Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for
+      nothing.</p>
+      <p>If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not
+      to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.</p>
+    </div>
+    <p>In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of
+    a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental
+    corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures,
+    even as if they were a Looking-glass.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <h2><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228"></a>The Seventh Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave housekeepers.
+    They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their Children.</i></h3>
+    <p>It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing flourished so
+    nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a whole drawer full of mony out
+    of the Counter in to the Counting-house; and then the good woman had alwaies two or
+    three hours work to sort it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but
+    it seems that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our dissatisfied
+    Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our Nativity, that there are very few
+    who have not now just causes enough to complain.</p>
+    <p>And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that
+    short time that you have been married, experience that things do not alwaies run upon
+    wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true you possess the Pleasure of an
+    indifferent Trade, as well as the rest of your Neighbours; but it is not in any
+    measure to be compared with those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they
+    could lay up so much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate17.png"><img src="images/plate17_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 17" title="" /></a><br />
+    135<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a>Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks
+    you are happier then they were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous
+    frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet there
+    was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul because it alwaies
+    yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is esteemed to be very nobly done, and
+    people take an absolute delight in it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much
+    together, that they may keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children
+    indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are imposed upon them.
+    In good truth, they that can do this now, are worthy of as much credit and
+    reputation, as those were that prospered much in former daies; and their Pleasure
+    ought not to be lesser then the others before was.</p>
+    <p>O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess now as
+    great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their plentifull daies. Verily,
+    your gain is comparatively better then theirs, because you are satisfied with so much
+    less; and by consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the
+    easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many knives behind
+    you that may cut your childrens throats.</p>
+    <p>Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you can hardly
+    tell <a name="Page_230" id="Page_230"></a>how to keep both ends together; then
+    comfort your selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your
+    marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as diligently search
+    after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and good Trading.</p>
+    <p>But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then increases;
+    because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad paiment; and where ever you
+    run or go to dun, you find no body at home, but return back to your house with empty
+    pockets. For there is Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in
+    their Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the Goods, which
+    they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration of a full year, are not yet
+    paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in
+    his Counting-house or at the Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so
+    much as to look upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of Exchange, and that
+    Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood
+    and Coals must be bought, the Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of
+    Butter, and provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several
+    other sorts of necessaries for the<a name="Page_231" id="Page_231"></a> Family that
+    will be wanting. Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of
+    concluding the year in Pleasure.</p>
+    <p>But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you live, you would
+    not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these affairs very joifully for
+    extraordinary Pleasures.</p>
+    <p>Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and have meant
+    with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things were to be done with
+    kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle fadles; but now you are come to a more
+    sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent
+    conduct that your Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about
+    your Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you are grown to
+    be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And great Juno laught, that Venus
+    hath so long hoodwink'd you.</p>
+    <p>Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but observe how
+    prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect and diligent you begin to be
+    that you may get through the World with honour, commendations, and good respect; how
+    like a care taking Father you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole
+    Family. Oh if your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this
+    your advancement; <a name="Page_232" id="Page_232"></a>which are indeed the upright
+    Pleasures of Marriage. For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along
+    with them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to the
+    World.</p>
+    <p>Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid great rent,
+    only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to consider with
+    understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less price would not serve as well,
+    in which you might have a Chamber or two that you could let out to some civil
+    Gentlemen, who might diet with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some
+    profit in besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to
+    Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work accordingly. And
+    moreover, you have good company of them in your house, and alwaies either one or
+    another at dinner begins to relate some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually
+    very pleasurable and delightfull to be heard.</p>
+    <p>Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath not been
+    these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased her fancy better: for now
+    her husband will have some pastime, and good company at home, so that he needs not go
+    to seek it in the evening in Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here
+    how one may learn <a name="Page_233" id="Page_233"></a>through honest Time and
+    Experience, what Pleasures they are accompanied with?</p>
+    <p>But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such guests, you'l see
+    how they will plague you; for the general imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that
+    all the monies they spend, is pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies
+    ought to provide such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be
+    never so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but they will
+    be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and that too much salt,
+    &amp;c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all what's in the house, must be at
+    their commands; nay be readier and nimbler to serve them then their Master and
+    Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and
+    table. It happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners after
+    them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more work with them alone,
+    then the whole house-keeping besides.</p>
+    <p>This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any thing of a
+    worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in the mornings to
+    Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; where they so disguise
+    themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest people who are in the Shop, or
+    standing upon the flore, that sees <a name="Page_234" id="Page_234"></a>them either
+    come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able to stand; besides they value
+    not if they tarry out late at nights; and, if it be possible, they will intice the
+    good man of the house to debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from
+    private chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.</p>
+    <p>But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the mother of all
+    things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is alwaies pleasure and delight
+    to be expected for the good man, because the good woman by this means increaseth to
+    more knowledge of housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent
+    mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.</p>
+    <p>Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and behold with
+    clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is advanced in understanding
+    and knowledge; I do assure you, you will find your self as ravisht with joy; because
+    this is as great a transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning
+    of your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of large Venetian
+    Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich
+    Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever else was needfull for neatness and gallantry;
+    we see now, that all her sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save
+    and spare all things, and to take <a name="Page_235" id="Page_235"></a>care that
+    there may not so much as a match negligently be thrown away.</p>
+    <p>Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of knowledge, to
+    walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the streets, finically trickt up with
+    powdered locks, and a laced Gorget and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least,
+    three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be
+    put to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of walking or
+    riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now on the contrary, seeing
+    the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage
+    for the family; without so much as setting one foot out of her House or Counter
+    unnecessarily. Never thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all
+    her delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and servants.
+    Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and setting her a spinning, to
+    keep the sleep out of her eys; and with this intent also that she may have the
+    delight to get yarn enough ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be
+    woven for the service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before
+    she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave houswife. And
+    that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough stoutly.<a name="Page_236"
+    id="Page_236"></a></p>
+    <p>O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so many Pleasures
+    of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in that most illustrious
+    School!</p>
+    <p>'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will say, is this
+    that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married! Is
+    this the Gentlewoman that used to go so costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now
+    with a plain wastcoat! alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well,
+    is this the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make a shift
+    with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and her diet with doing the
+    house work? it must certainly ly very nastily and sluttishly at her house.</p>
+    <p>'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse the Sun of
+    your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O well matcht Couple,
+    through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten such prudent eys that you can
+    easily see through such vain and simple Clouds.</p>
+    <p>But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow comes out of
+    the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and suffer themselves daily to be
+    durrid; who are continually pratling with the Neighbors, and gadding along the
+    streets; they take notice of <a name="Page_237" id="Page_237"></a>every dore that
+    opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no understanding to govern it; the
+    dishes, pots and pans are alwaies standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches
+    and Stools are all covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the
+    Windows are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. Whose
+    first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by reason of these sad
+    times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their houskeeping. If we wash the glass
+    windows, they are in danger of breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any
+    losses. And these ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and
+    no body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are seldom to be
+    found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the occasion that their houses,
+    children and Maids stink of filth and sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the
+    elbous, and their stockins out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the
+    Alehouses, and seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the
+    sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that all is consumed,
+    and they both fly damnably in debt to their Creditors.</p>
+    <p>Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the unhappy state and
+    condition of these venomous controulers of others: And on the contrary, you may
+    perceive how <a name="Page_238" id="Page_238"></a>happy the bad times, like a prudent
+    Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and delight it imparts unto
+    you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys,
+    indeavor the maintenance and setting up of your Family. Be assured, that this care
+    and frugality will so root it self in your very bones, that although the times
+    changed and grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the
+    good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your children such riches
+    and good examples, that they will follow your footsteps of carefulness with delight,
+    and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good
+    extraction: which if it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst
+    Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate18.png"><img src="images/plate18_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 18" title="" /></a><br />
+    251<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239"></a>The Eighth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he hath no
+    mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a Scholler, commits much
+    mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a Schollerlike life is.</i></h3>
+    <p>Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is none of the
+    least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up healthfully and merrily;
+    and their stomacks in a morning are as soon open as their eys; then at noons they can
+    claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about
+    four of the clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion;
+    insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their teeth bleed. O it
+    is such a delight to see that they continually grow up so slovenly and wastfully in
+    their cloaths, that they must needs have every half year almost a new suit, and that
+    alwaies a little bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a
+    son to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her caretakester and
+    controulster of the Kitchin.</p>
+    <p>Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to another. O how
+    happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and courteous, and grow up in
+    obedience, and <a name="Page_240" id="Page_240"></a>according to your example! But we
+    see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own
+    wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.</p>
+    <p>Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; for having
+    been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or Merchant Tailors School; he is
+    then inveagled by some of the neighbors sons to go with them to learn the Italian or
+    French language; to which purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a
+    little way out of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such
+    a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the night for
+    it.</p>
+    <p>What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the necessity you have
+    for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient
+    occasions in the City; but what helps it, the fear of drawing the child from that
+    which he has so much a mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune
+    consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away he's sent
+    then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk furnisht, with all manner of
+    linnen and cloaths, with other toys and sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to
+    boot.</p>
+    <p>Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he wants. Which
+    is, with recommendations of being saving and <a name="Page_241"
+    id="Page_241"></a>diligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the
+    Parents, if they do but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight
+    and pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew him their
+    great love and affection.</p>
+    <p>But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no small
+    matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to so much charge, gets
+    what he pleases, and that their minds are never at rest about him. When she, on the
+    contrary, being at home, is thrust by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or
+    kept close to her needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some
+    such sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your
+    brother comes home he shall keep the shop.</p>
+    <p>This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great
+    Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks such good Latin and Italian,
+    and is so gentile in his behaviour: but to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say
+    what they will, talk is but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University
+    either of Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein yeelds
+    and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means resolve to it; for her
+    main aim was, that her son should be brought up in the shop; because that in the <a
+    name="Page_242" id="Page_242"></a>absence, or by decease of her husband, he might
+    then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is yet fresh in her memory, that
+    when her Brother studied at Oxford, what a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what
+    complaints there come of his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was
+    hardly a month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the City
+    must have one or other penalty paid them.</p>
+    <p>Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less melody then
+    the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he can meet with to get out of
+    the shop; and shew himself, with all diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the
+    Tennis Court, or at the Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in
+    the evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a pleasure this
+    vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have experience know best.
+    Especially when they in the morning call their son to confession, and between Anger
+    and Love catechize him with severall natural and kind reproofs.</p>
+    <p>'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. What remedy?
+    turn it, and wind it so as you will.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>The son his mind to study is full bent,<br />
+    Or else will live upon his yearly rent.</i></p>
+    <p>Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. Here also the
+    <a name="Page_243" id="Page_243"></a>imaginations of incapableness or want of monies
+    must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready
+    way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running
+    after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools
+    are too damn'd costly. So that now the Parents have true experience of the old
+    Proverb.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,<br />
+    Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart.</i></p>
+    <p>Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of
+    him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and there to let him study Theology
+    being the modestest Faculty, by one of the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And
+    verily, he goes forward so nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the
+    needfull Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And moreover, the
+    Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately he was acting the domineering
+    student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but
+    through the extraordinary intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they
+    privately let him go out again.</p>
+    <p>A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning letters; his
+    quarter of <a name="Page_244" id="Page_244"></a>the years out, his Pockets empty, and
+    the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both
+    of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially,
+    if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for
+    those necessaries.</p>
+    <p>For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in
+    mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and
+    all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at
+    Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his
+    Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for
+    his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.</p>
+    <p>But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your
+    son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard,
+    he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who
+    sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are
+    worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry
+    together.</p>
+    <p>Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his
+    best Authors; and sets in place of them some<a name="Page_245" id="Page_245"></a>
+    Blocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that
+    will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry
+    to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a
+    Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose,
+    stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,<br />
+    One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book.</i></p>
+    <p>The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it
+    is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility
+    of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when
+    they see that their son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the
+    more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that
+    there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and
+    amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this
+    very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the
+    Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there
+    will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things as <a
+    name="Page_246" id="Page_246"></a>those are generally moderated and assopiated by the
+    means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.</p>
+    <p>This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly
+    loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use
+    of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let
+    them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek
+    by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.</p>
+    <p>As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how
+    debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was
+    lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small
+    fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser
+    misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.</p>
+    <p>Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who
+    for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting
+    up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their
+    purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to
+    expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built
+    a new house, caused it, by a curious<a name="Page_247" id="Page_247"></a> Workman, to
+    be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good
+    quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had
+    been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to
+    be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have
+    taken too little mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus
+    bepainted my delicately painted house.</p>
+    <p>But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into
+    those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who
+    were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled
+    their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &amp;c.
+    Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the
+    Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner,
+    Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four
+    apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as
+    moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades
+    wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick, <i>viz.</i><a name="Page_248"
+    id="Page_248"></a> Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of
+    them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where
+    he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and
+    then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from
+    each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of
+    them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that there was the
+    spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in
+    somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one
+    was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of
+    their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived,
+    till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master
+    Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man,
+    having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six
+    Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the
+    throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in
+    his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his
+    mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths,
+    there <a name="Page_249" id="Page_249"></a>cheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of
+    these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling
+    mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I
+    had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body
+    else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders;
+    saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so
+    amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth;
+    whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The
+    Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received
+    them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was
+    not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to
+    the Student.</p>
+    <p>By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true,
+    <i>Poverty is subtle</i>. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who
+    had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and
+    knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about
+    five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him
+    that his Brother was very desperately <a name="Page_250" id="Page_250"></a>sick,
+    oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he
+    must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into
+    the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he
+    rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and
+    wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a
+    Chamber, away they went without paying.</p>
+    <p>To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house,
+    two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.</p>
+    <p>'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit
+    such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended.
+    When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that
+    were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my
+    neighbors Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off these
+    planks, tear up this Post, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this
+    commander, that he would be pleased to <a name="Page_251" id="Page_251"></a>bestow
+    upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor,
+    that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a
+    lusty load upon his Wagon.</p>
+    <p>Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a
+    lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they
+    were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns,
+    but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City,
+    &amp;c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to
+    arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his
+    triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon
+    which must be written in great white Letters.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><i>Garden-Theef.</i></p>
+    <p>These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split,
+    to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for
+    his winter firing.</p>
+    <p>Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy
+    rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or
+    Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore, <a
+    name="Page_252" id="Page_252"></a>where there was none; and leaning all of them over
+    the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the
+    Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to
+    breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.</p>
+    <p>Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country
+    Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or
+    another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in
+    themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and
+    disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they
+    go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and
+    then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease,
+    &amp;c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should
+    relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat
+    or carry away.</p>
+    <p>And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or
+    Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the
+    Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the
+    Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253"></a>It hapned lately, that some Students walking
+    out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an
+    indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The
+    Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will
+    not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord
+    from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their
+    way.</p>
+    <p>Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew
+    high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his
+    strength failing him, he was with a furious blast snatcht up by the Kite from the
+    ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor
+    innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.</p>
+    <p>It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and
+    wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular,
+    are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether
+    unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.</p>
+    <p>Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, nobly
+    to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then
+    again to be treated by them: where there is an absolute <a name="Page_254"
+    id="Page_254"></a>agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their
+    Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they
+    generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords
+    drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were.
+    Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he
+    that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or
+    else flies his Country, to save it.</p>
+    <p>Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with
+    their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and
+    Swords, &amp;c. and then ply one another so close with whole bumpers of Sack and old
+    Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very
+    Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to
+    be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity
+    of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.</p>
+    <p>Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses;
+    of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of
+    body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255"></a>Some there are that oftentimes so deeply
+    ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her
+    examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
+    promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own,
+    there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so
+    neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their
+    house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know
+    infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.</p>
+    <p>Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to
+    gather and scrape all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the
+    onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty.
+    And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor
+    saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those
+    natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.</p>
+    <p>But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their wills. Which
+    oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long time in Divinity, they
+    finally turn to be some Inns of Court Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students
+    life, might in any other vocation, be cast in their teeth.</p>
+    <p>Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the <a name="Page_256"
+    id="Page_256"></a>very first they behave themselves modestly, and advance so
+    gallantly in their Studies, that it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit
+    for themselves. But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
+    commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but fastidious, unless
+    their Parents can leave or give them some considerable means; or that they through
+    their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in
+    to a rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage or
+    Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means will hardly
+    maintain them.</p>
+    <p>If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs away before
+    he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he hath not the good fortune to
+    get the two or three first causes for his Clients; and in the other, not to make
+    satisfactory cures of his first Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been
+    for the Parents if their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and
+    been obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!</p>
+    <p>But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; yet we
+    perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason that the children
+    through a contrary drift, many times disturb their Parents night rest; especially
+    when there are such kind of<a name="Page_257" id="Page_257"></a> Maids in the house,
+    that will listen to their humors and fancies.</p>
+    <p>These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the full; and
+    do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and have no occasion to look
+    out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice
+    the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on
+    their side. To that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
+    curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece of fine Lawn, or
+    Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over shadowed then covered, and may
+    the better allure the weak eys of the beholders.</p>
+    <p>These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City Maid, as well
+    as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener Swords, or stronger steels to
+    penetrate through the hearts of men, then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind
+    behaviour of women.</p>
+    <p>This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination towards her,
+    then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and indifferent fortune; nay it
+    transports him so, that they finally make use of one bed; and the son (much
+    unexpected by the Parents) is come to be Father himself. But what an inestimable
+    Pleasure of Marriage this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may
+    judge.<a name="Page_258" id="Page_258"></a> Especially, if it happens, as I saw once,
+    that the Prentice lay with his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench;
+    and the Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means marry
+    with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the Parents, that it might
+    be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than Pleasures of Marriage. So that we
+    see, although the Children be at home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain
+    under their view and tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be
+    expected, occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings up
+    children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that it would be
+    infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the Confessions. Therefore we
+    will pass by these (as if we were running a horse-race), and to shorten our journy,
+    return again to our well married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.</p>
+    <p>You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks and actions
+    that children will play. If yours act then the part of a liberal Son, or wanton
+    Student, rejoice therein that you have not brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but
+    since his Doctor saith that he is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but
+    that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
+    him to be a great man.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259"></a>For it hath many times hapned, that those who
+    have been the maddest and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to
+    be noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we could relate
+    unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the revealing of that Confession
+    would not be ill taken.</p>
+    <p>Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession of the
+    Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the contention of a
+    cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your Children, nor with their
+    fore-children, or Children of the second bed. For whatsoever happens to you now,
+    comes from a Web of your own spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all
+    infirmities; because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
+    Pleasures of Marriage.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate19.png"><img src="images/plate19_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 19" title="" /></a><br />
+    181<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2>The Ninth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Of base conditioned Maid-servants.</i></h3>
+    <p>'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children take such
+    lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; the sons acting the parts
+    of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and the Daughters of light Punks; as long as
+    these things remain so, they appear to be but very sober Pleasures <a name="Page_260"
+    id="Page_260"></a>of Marriage. But when we perceive, that these thorns being past,
+    the pleasant roses appear, and that these light hearted Students finally come to be
+    gallant Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest Pleasure
+    of Marriage that ever could be expected.</p>
+    <p>So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and airy; that
+    somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or rather be merry of an
+    evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow to be altogether mannish minded; you
+    must then conclude these are natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to
+    your expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a Prentice,
+    whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush Jacketted or gilt Midas;
+    then make your selves joyfull in the several examples that you have of others, who
+    being so married, have proved to be the best Matches; of which examples
+    multiplicities are at large prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that
+    you do herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.</p>
+    <p>But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which house-keeping
+    people have not only from children, but from base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish,
+    and ill-tongued servants; done unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the
+    foolish and stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his<a
+    name="Page_261" id="Page_261"></a> Base Viol and singing of musick, and their
+    Mistriss the playing upon the Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and
+    Orfeus to charm all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
+    it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due obedience.</p>
+    <p>Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have gotten a kind
+    natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; immediately practice, by all means
+    possible, to rule and domineer over her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders
+    or commands, she knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to
+    order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say,
+    <i>Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and that so</i>.</p>
+    <p>And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this some times;
+    they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again as their Mistriss; and
+    dare, when they come among their tailing Gossips, brag that they can bend their
+    Mistriss to their Bow; and if their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when
+    it pleases them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with the
+    simples, a Sugar-sop, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a service
+    where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks <a name="Page_262"
+    id="Page_262"></a>sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then
+    she's damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will not
+    understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her hair-brain'd manner,
+    and gets this to an answer, <i>Jane, do it as I command you, then it is well, though
+    it were ill done. Let your Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next
+    time you must hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &amp;c.</i></p>
+    <p>How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no sooner gets out,
+    but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out servants; where she makes no smal
+    complaint of her Mistresses insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a
+    hire for her by some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the
+    ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves Children, &amp;c.
+    Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her Aunt was very sick and lay a
+    dying, and that she must go thither, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means to earn
+    double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with
+    another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to turn and wind it about every way to
+    rid her self of the one, and then to recommend another in the place. Though it be
+    mighty inconvenient for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may <a
+    name="Page_263" id="Page_263"></a>be near her lying-in, or some other pressing
+    necessity, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a Widower, and can
+    order and govern all things now according to her own mind; where she hath not the
+    name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all
+    her ill conditions, and watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very
+    cleanly and neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good humour,
+    and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves Children so well that
+    she would be helping to get one her self. To which purpose she useth all inventions
+    imaginable, running too and again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised
+    up; or comes to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side
+    with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with the key in his
+    Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with a short Coat on, stoops down
+    very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore;
+    or climbs up a ladder to rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner
+    of inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master have any
+    flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare him. For this hapned to
+    her fellow Creature who having dwelt some indifferent time with <a name="Page_264"
+    id="Page_264"></a>a Widower, he came home one evening pretty merry, and jestingly
+    talked to her about her sweetheart; <i>See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you
+    come to marry, I will give you this bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to
+    it.</i> Whereupon the Maid answered, <i>Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly
+    belongs to it, I must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it.</i> The
+    answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon
+    the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite of all his relations, he made
+    his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked,
+    cross-graind humors, that she had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of
+    both their ruines.</p>
+    <p>But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view what kind of
+    a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with her new Maid; for Goody
+    Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very honest, vertuous Maid, of a good
+    family, and gave her self security for her fidelity.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss perceives that
+    she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the better certainty, the
+    Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a glass that was very clean rinsed; which
+    she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at
+    it; yet before she sent her the <a name="Page_265" id="Page_265"></a>second time, she
+    takes a trencher and holds it over the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her
+    finger rubs that soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her,
+    as she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the Mistriss then
+    perceived that the round circle of the glass was impressed upon both sides of her
+    mouth and upon her forehead. Who can abstain themselves from laughter, when they see
+    such a marked sheep come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in
+    three daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more mirth
+    will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup to be jolly! You
+    have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody Busie-body vaunted of. For the future
+    she may very well say, that she is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows
+    but she may get an Angel a year the more wages for it.</p>
+    <p>But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other causes her to
+    enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to go to Church in th'afternoon,
+    tarries out till seven of the clock in the evening, tho she knows there are friends
+    invited to supper, the children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order;
+    neither is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other may
+    attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should <a name="Page_266"
+    id="Page_266"></a>go on Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after
+    Sermon I should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good
+    opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that she has a
+    great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to retort ten cross words for
+    one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had been talking with Mistriss Sayall the
+    Cupster, who had Cupt her but the Sunday before, and then told her that she could
+    observe out of her physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible
+    signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would not be
+    above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same time Dorothy and Margery,
+    whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner prognosticated what was befallen them. These
+    did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small
+    wages, and that her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least
+    fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and Fairing.</p>
+    <p>Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody,
+    seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow
+    the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them
+    cross-grain'd; and keep <a name="Page_267" id="Page_267"></a>both of them a school
+    for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in;
+    yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but
+    do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies
+    fire in one hand and water in the t'other.</p>
+    <p>These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, with meat
+    and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries; keeping alwaies a fair
+    correspondence with the theevish Maids, which know many tricks and waies how to
+    convey it unto them; and scold and brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink
+    they thus idly and basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to
+    recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own houses serve as an
+    Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as precise at their hours, as a
+    Merchant doth at Change-time.</p>
+    <p>This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they cannot get
+    leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they do not bargain for it when
+    they hire themselves: though there are some that are not ashamed, (who dare not so
+    openly confess this) to bargain that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they
+    were extraordinary devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their
+    gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker,<a name="Page_268" id="Page_268"></a> Shoomaker,
+    Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to
+    satisfie their fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and
+    wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their husbands, beaten like
+    Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what delight they have, in being curried
+    with this sort of five-tooth'd Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs
+    they sing.</p>
+    <p>These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long aimed, and
+    so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their fingers at that which they
+    have many times thrown away upon the Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times
+    into deplorable poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable
+    people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable and terrible to
+    be related.</p>
+    <p>By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of people have
+    upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and actions of such Rubbish, were to
+    no other purpose then to foul a vast quantity of paper with a deal of trash and
+    trumpery. For many are damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy
+    Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds,
+    lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, Stinking<a
+    name="Page_269" id="Page_269"></a> Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish
+    Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have
+    come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the
+    disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a
+    Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.</p>
+    <p>This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after t'other out
+    of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in again. And is also ashamed
+    that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil
+    nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them
+    by a tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times observe how
+    wickedly they are plagued with their own.</p>
+    <p>O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a conclusion, if we
+    should set all things down according to their worth and value! Certainly every one
+    would, to that purpose, want a Clark in their own Family.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <h2><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270"></a>The Tenth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous. And the
+    Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be divorced.</i></h3>
+    <p>As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people; and
+    congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on the contrary, we
+    many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable
+    housekeeping and Children, it occasions and raises a coolness in the affections;
+    insomuch that it disquiets their rest, and they consume the whole night many times
+    with flying fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of
+    Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &amp;c. because the emptness of
+    their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too much impedes them. And their
+    yearly rents are so small and uncertain, that there runs away many times more in
+    reparations and taxations annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions
+    disquiet. From this it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a
+    wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble and mumble,
+    then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship: for an empty purse, makes a
+    sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they
+    begin to observe that there is no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it
+    hath some kind of imperficiency.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate20.png"><img src="images/plate20_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 20" title="" /></a><br />
+    197<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271"></a>This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a
+    Tavern, with good company, be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be
+    supplied: And the woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling
+    and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless when John the
+    cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the Bookkeeper with the
+    Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else credit and respect ly at the stake.
+    This requires a great deal of prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the
+    other.</p>
+    <p>The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And for that
+    reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But because this can be of
+    no long continuance, some do measure their business smaller out at first, and dwell
+    at a lesser rent, hire out their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of
+    some movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great trust; nay
+    sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the commodities whereof are of a
+    quicker consumption. And if this happen to people that are not so perfectly well
+    match'd, as our self-same-minded couple, and that the husband <a name="Page_272"
+    id="Page_272"></a>hath been a frequenter of company, you shall then seldom see that
+    the husband and the Wife are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be
+    for trading in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied; and
+    the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such like Wares as she
+    knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks but sadly (although it
+    oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do contend about this. Nevertheless some
+    men, because they imagine to have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way
+    of discourse with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, chide
+    and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars then mends the
+    matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is such a costly Jewell, that it
+    seldom can be valued.</p>
+    <p>Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know how, with
+    affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible words can admonish them
+    what is best and fittest to be done; and rather to extoll those graces which are
+    found in them, than to reprove their deficiencies: According to the instructions of
+    the prudent Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish their
+    wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.</p>
+    <p>But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their brains, seek it
+    in a contrary <a name="Page_273" id="Page_273"></a>place, and where the Bank is
+    lowest, the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. For if he
+    be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his servants and other people to
+    check, curb, and controul his wife lustily; and when they are in private together,
+    reprehends her so bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of
+    honest people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut many
+    times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds thereupon a foundation
+    of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, which he privately twits her in the teeth
+    with; though in publick he is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because
+    then he would be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl,
+    scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon his Wife and all
+    the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of them knowing the least reason in
+    the World for it.</p>
+    <p>In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his wife; for to
+    see that which he never will see; and at which he is so divellishly possessed to have
+    a wicked revenge; nay which he also never can see though he had a whole boxfull of
+    spectacles upon his nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least
+    reason for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation of
+    implacable hatred.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274"></a>Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted
+    and merry humoured, it is a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice,
+    and every way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a
+    jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, then for an
+    honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in his absence she dare not in
+    the least speak to any one, and in his presence hardly look upon any body. This is
+    known to those, who have had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family
+    where this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such Loggerheads many
+    times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill doings, that the Woman, who
+    before never thought of jealousie, now begins to grow jealous her self. For she,
+    considering that her husband is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and
+    ill-natured; and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides,
+    that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much from those of
+    former times, and especially from them of the first year; cannot imagine that the
+    small gain and the bad times are the occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there
+    is some other fine Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led
+    away by some or other charming Punk.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275"></a>And it is no wonder, because coming home
+    lately he said, that somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he
+    had just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before came home
+    without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had taken it from him in the
+    streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he related not long since, that he had been,
+    out of jest, one evening, with three or four others, in six of the most vile and
+    wickedest Bawdy houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom
+    there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to suspect his evil
+    doings, then he hath of hers.</p>
+    <p>And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, imagineth that
+    she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, the daily grumbling and
+    mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his coming home late at nights, his cool
+    kindness, besides all the rest, seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the
+    Pleasure of Marriage is so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of
+    the Sun, and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear
+    again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, that it is
+    generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the Wife, to vindicate her
+    innocency, lets fly at him again with such a shrill note, as if she had gone to
+    school to learn it in Drury<a name="Page_276" id="Page_276"></a> Lane, or Turnball
+    street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is not sent for to cure this
+    Woman of her bad tongue.</p>
+    <p>Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in these two
+    darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with jealousie, if you see that
+    another obtains access to your Mistriss; or who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once
+    kiss the knocker of the dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber
+    Window: Look sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it
+    be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd
+    your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the love you had for her; and on your
+    Grave, bear this Epitaph, that through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self.
+    These married Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together,
+    because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth such evill
+    fruits.</p>
+    <p>Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the Athenians, prudent
+    Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united and pacified! For the Athenians
+    had constituted a certain sort of superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the
+    married people; whose Power was to appease all differences between married people;
+    and to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each other. In <a
+    name="Page_277" id="Page_277"></a>like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where
+    scolding married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in better
+    tranquility.</p>
+    <p>But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all the means
+    and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then reunited; to that end
+    solliciting both the Majestical and Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a
+    thousand sad reasons by each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the
+    greatest reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples,
+    wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble; especially, if
+    they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and reputation, who have procreated
+    severall children together. For this jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers
+    as well among people of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be
+    some which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and suffer it not
+    to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is impossible to hide this unkindness
+    from the eys of them that are in the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the
+    sister who dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this
+    unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to be set down in
+    the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read all the twenty Pleasures of
+    Marriage through and through, and finds by the example of her<a name="Page_278"
+    id="Page_278"></a> Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a Fish, never at
+    rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, where she knows that she never can
+    get out again: According to these following Verses, which she hath sung so many
+    times:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>You may in sea lanch when you will,</i> <span class="i2"><i>To see
+    the boistrous Main,</i></span> <i>Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,</i>
+    <span class="i2"><i>Fore you return again.</i></span> <i>The married state, is much
+    like this,</i> <span class="i2"><i>O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,</i></span> <i>Yet
+    must be born, see how it is,</i> <span class="i2"><i>With tauntings, toils, and
+    losses.</i></span></p>
+    <p>But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors, just as her
+    Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses; for since the flesh is
+    almost come to the very bone, all his designs and indeavours seem to bend now to the
+    being separated from Bed and Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather
+    see it done by death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for
+    a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it might lightly
+    happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of his jealousie.</p>
+    <p>And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between him and his
+    Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that <a name="Page_279"
+    id="Page_279"></a>those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by
+    death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation, have just
+    remained alive.</p>
+    <p>Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent
+    Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an operation of
+    all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And that they first learnt to
+    know their own deficiences perfectly, that they might the better excuse those of
+    their Adversary.</p>
+    <p>O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a Looking-glass for all
+    others, live together in love, pleasure and tranquility, and have banished that
+    monstrous beast jealousie out of their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to
+    live long together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might
+    inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their second-selves. These do
+    recommend marriage in the highest degree to the whole World, as the noblest state and
+    condition; and despise the folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that
+    they have more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever had;
+    who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the married estate to be the
+    best and commendablest though some of them were married to women, who notably bore
+    the sway.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280"></a>We may very well then contemn the chattering
+    of Epicurus that pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give
+    himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief, trouble, and
+    misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary, that the Wise men long to be in
+    it, and that the Sun of understanding appears more gloriously in them, when it is
+    nourisht and inlivened by marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our
+    well-married Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought
+    to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a second-self, that they
+    would never desire to part with. And for the exhortation of every one to this, I will
+    break off and conclude with that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and
+    Philosopher Marcus Aurelius: saying, <i>Because the life of Man cannot remain without
+    Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise, and teach the simple,
+    that they should shun ill-natured Women as much as the Plague: for I say, that all
+    the venemous Creatures in the World, have not so much poison spread or contained in
+    their whole bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue</i>.</p>
+    <h4>The End of the Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h4>
+
+  <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13872 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #13872 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13872)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The
+Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New-married Couple (1682)
+
+Author: A. Marsh
+
+Release Date: October 26, 2004 [EBook #13872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TEN PLEASURES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Victoria Woosley and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE
+                  Printed at London 1682
+               Published by the Navarre Society London]
+
+
+
+
+
+                            THE TEN PLEASURES OF
+                                   MARRIAGE
+
+                             AND THE SECOND PART
+
+                            THE CONFESSION OF THE
+                              NEW MARRIED COUPLE
+
+                                 ATTRIBUTED TO
+
+                                   APHRA BEHN
+
+                       _REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION_
+
+                                      BY
+
+                                  JOHN HARVEY
+
+                         AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES
+
+                            AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES
+
+                                  RE-ENGRAVED
+
+                                LONDON: MCMXXII
+
+                _PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED_
+
+
+                          _Printed in Great Britain_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+The Restoration brought back to England something more than a king and
+the theatre. It renewed in English life the robust vitality of humour
+which had been repressed under the Commonwealth--though, in spite of
+repression, there were, even among the Puritan divines, men like the
+author of _Joanereidos_, whose self-expression ran the whole gamut
+from freedom to licentiousness.
+
+It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be
+vividly concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the
+chronicler of _The Ten Pleasures of Marriage_ revives the opprobrious
+term for a tailor--"pricklouse": the whole history of the English
+woollen industry and of the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic
+architecture is in the nickname. Or a single phrase can light up an
+idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is running
+up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests
+itself sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux
+metagrobolized Rabelais into something almost more tumescent and
+overwhelming than the original. In that vein of humour the present
+work frequently runs. The author is as ready to pile up his epithets
+as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he says, "for then you'll have
+an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler,
+less than you had before."
+
+It is, in fact, as an example of English humour--exaggerated, no
+doubt, by the reaction from Puritanism--that _The Ten Pleasures of
+Marriage_ should be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it
+is of uncertain parentage and must own to foreign kin. A well-known
+but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally rare book is Antoine de
+la Salle's _Quinze Joies de Mariage_. It seems possible that this was
+translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which _The Ten
+Pleasures_ was published--1682-1683--the following work was registered
+at Stationers' Hall: _The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts
+of matrimony, being in requital of the late fifteen_ sham _comforts_.
+Moreover, _The Ten Pleasures_ was in all probability printed
+abroad--Hazlitt thinks at The Hague or Amsterdam. The very first page
+in the original edition contains one of several hints of Batavian
+production--"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious allusion to
+the great French poet, Clément Marot, may also suggest a temporary
+foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known
+to English readers in the seventeenth century, the exact reference of
+the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on the
+fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem
+_Colloque de l'abbé et de la femme sçavante_; and Marot certainly
+wrote about women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure
+in English literary allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact
+suggests at least familiarity with the literature of other countries.
+
+But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in
+general and in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as
+it was in the days before our grandfathers decided that the human body
+was an obscene thing and its functions deplorable. It has the
+middle-class love of good food--Colchester oysters (famous then as
+now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges,
+comfits, pancakes--enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid
+English furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians"
+(valences), "daslles" (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush
+chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the fuss of preparation for
+childbirth--the accumulations of wrappings, the obstetric furniture,
+the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic ancestors
+of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig--why, the haste to fetch the
+midwife at the crisis might almost be the foundation upon which
+Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff, Esq., to Kingsgate Street,
+High Holborn.
+
+It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average
+fairly prosperous English life--the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the
+sea-captain's. The author clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew
+that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had to be fully written up for
+scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts. (But the
+pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of
+business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief
+description of his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to
+some extent, has a certain life in it, as if the writer, embittered,
+was recalling his own youthful experience.) He knew, too, what to-day
+we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a merchant's
+business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the
+actual supply of material--"what commodities are arrived or expected,"
+and whether tea is up ½d. or tin ¾d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The
+commercial world changes only its methods of communication and
+expression.
+
+The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary
+interest. From the literary point of view, it is a near
+descendant--collateral, if not direct, and anyhow based on the same
+English empirical humour of life--of Thomas Overbury's _A Wife_
+(1614--only one unique copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's
+_Microcosmographie_ (1628), in prose, and Thomas Bastard's
+_Chrestoleros_* (1598), in verse. It is an early instance of the
+stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material
+previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is
+directly in the succession which in the end produced what is perhaps
+the most enduring and individual phenomenon in our literature--the
+English novel.
+
+  * A copy of the very rare first edition fetched £155 at the
+  Britwell sale in February 1922.
+
+Of course the book says things we do not say now openly--though the
+traditional _corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum_ which almost all men
+and even some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from
+generation to generation, solely by word of mouth, and flickers now
+and again in _The Ten Pleasures_. But they were said openly then, and
+by great writers. There is nothing here so nauseatingly indecent as
+the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev. the Dean
+of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are
+bawdy words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the
+Summoner or Tom Jones might have used--less, on the whole. There is no
+need, to borrow a phrase from the book's sequel, to "make use of the
+gesture of casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls
+will solace their spirits with a little laughter, and never busy their
+brains with the subversion of Church and State government."
+
+Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in
+his pages like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house
+for the Puritans, not even, apparently, in the bringing up of his
+child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth"
+must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no
+_Catechizing of Families_--a discourse published by Richard Baxter in
+this very year 1683; and the only _Compassionate Counsel_--a Baxter
+pamphlet of 1681--he is likely to offer to young men is to take life
+lightly, as his hero does, and above all, not to marry.
+
+For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is
+less well sustained in the sequel, _The Confession of the New Married
+Couple_, and dropped altogether in the bitter _Letter_ at the end of
+_The Ten Pleasures_). It is a savage attack upon women--upon (to quote
+a Rabelaisian sentence) "the quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud,
+opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of the female sex."
+Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots and
+Shoes, etc., for we find both Merchants and money ready always to buy
+those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for one of his
+implications is that women can easily be bought. But he--if it is a
+"he"--is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully--what
+are they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well:
+here are the pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a
+match--and look at all the worry of the settlement, in which, by the
+way, you may often be defrauded. You will get married--a fine
+ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of the
+neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the
+occasion. You get married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your
+wife, who will indulge your wishes or not as suits her mood. Your
+house will be all awry if she has but a slight headache. When the baby
+comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen and
+medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father
+added to the discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your
+wife will know how "to cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay
+lady of Covent Garden. And so on.
+
+Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression
+if not in thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of
+English middle-class life under James II. that the importance of the
+book lies. Here is the domestic side of what the great diarists and
+the great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records,
+those treasuries of private appearances in public, chronicle with the
+severity of judgment. You have the young couple going (alas that the
+river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved farther up its own
+course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and Southwark
+echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at
+Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre
+on Bankside, for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter
+preached. Or they might go into Kent and pick fruit, even as
+"beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for its cider and perry,
+the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only for
+an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the
+streets gay with signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but
+taverns wear to-day--the sign of the _Silkworm_ or the _Sheep_, or
+that fantastic schoolmaster's emblem, the _Troubled Pate_ with a crown
+upon it. And when they stopped for rest at the sign of a bush upon a
+pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef, the
+neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high
+and crops poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom,
+and fruits of war. If the impositions and taxes run high, the country
+farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must
+be given, or else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long
+ago as 1682?
+
+As a _genre_ work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The
+gradual social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop
+into stagnation under the first Georges, caused didactic works, guides
+to manners, housewifery and sport, society handbooks, to proliferate.
+_The Ten Pleasures_ mentions some standard works, which every good
+housewife would probably possess--Nicholas Culpepper's medical
+handbooks, for instance, and _The Complete Cook_, which indeed, as
+part of _The Queen's Closet Opened_, had reappeared in its natal year
+1682-1683. The same year saw the birth of such works as _The Complete
+Courtier_, _The Complete Compting House_, _The Gentleman Jockey_, _The
+Accomplished Ladies' Delight._ Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in
+readiness for the complacent century about to open. It was also being
+explored, not only in such works as _The Ten Pleasures_ and _The
+Woman's Advocate_, but in others (entered as published, but in many
+cases not known to be now extant) like _The Wonders of the Female
+World_, _The Swaggering Damsel_, or _Several New Curtain Lectures_,
+and _Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious
+dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice_--all
+produced in that same _annus mirabilis_ of outspoken domesticity.
+
+_The Ten Pleasures_, apart from its intrinsic interest, is
+exceptionally important from a book-collector's point of view. It is
+of the utmost rarity. There is no copy in the British Museum and none
+in the Cambridge University Library. In fact, there are only two
+copies known of the whole work--one in the Bodleian (wanting one
+plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth
+Collection had a copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies
+contain the second part--_The Confession_--and evidently the two
+parts, though they have separate title pages, and were published at
+different times, were intended to form a complete work.
+
+Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page.
+A. Marsh cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers'
+Registers for the period. It may be that Marsh thought it too
+licentious for registration (an improbable supposition), and so, as
+Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad.
+
+But the initials A.B. at the end of the _Letter_ in the first part may
+be a clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they
+are those of Aphra or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first
+woman to earn her living by her pen. It is true that she was, so to
+speak, a feminist: the preface and epilogue to her _Sir Patient
+Fancy_ speak bitterly of those who would not go to her plays because
+they were by a woman. On the other hand, she had a free pen, to say
+the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch
+associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She
+had herself been on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated
+a Dutch book on oracles. If the book was printed in Holland, she of
+all people could get the work done. And she knew the city of London
+intimately.
+
+There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in _Sir
+Patient Fancy_, which recall touches in _The Ten Pleasures_. She
+introduces a Padua doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her
+plays, a curious interest in medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir
+Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is swelling up like the "pipsy"
+husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping begins to be as
+ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their
+mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of
+mankind." It is not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered
+moment this singular woman threw herself with malicious joy into an
+attack on her own sex.
+
+"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric
+deservedly lives. If she wrote _The Ten Pleasures_, the sort of love
+she describes in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet
+if we want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart
+from the curious interest of its rarity, _The Ten Pleasures_ is a
+sturdy piece of human nature.
+
+JOHN HARVEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+PUBLISHER'S PREFACE
+
+
+"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to
+the Romance of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted
+by the Navarre Society, is surely proof most positive. The original is
+a small thick volume; it bears the imprint "London, Printed in the
+year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that copy lay
+unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's
+shop.
+
+Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the
+manners of the commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague,
+who wondered why he did not know it. After purchasing it he found the
+reason why--the Bodleian Library alone possessed a copy of the work
+(imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only) appeared in the
+last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present
+text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above.
+
+The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book,
+which presents pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play
+which Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have
+written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if
+so, it may well be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to
+England foundered in the North Sea, or was sunk by enemy craft. There
+can be no doubt that such a work would not have escaped the wits of
+the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention would
+have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other
+so likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself.
+
+It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time
+permit, with a Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the
+industrious and sometimes brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which
+the Navarre Society believe to be well grounded. They hope that the
+issue of the book to their subscribers may help to confirm or refute
+that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex.
+Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so
+vividly representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued
+from the obscurity to which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it
+and worthily preserved for scholars and amateurs of the future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                       THE TEN
+
+                      PLEASURES
+
+                          OF
+
+                       MARRIAGE.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TEN
+
+PLEASURES
+
+OF
+
+MARRIAGE,
+
+_Relating_
+
+All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of
+Matrimony.
+
+Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.
+
+LONDON,
+
+Printed in the Year, 1682.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO THE READER.
+
+
+Courteous Reader,
+
+_This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of
+some spare hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small
+time, between whiles, hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring
+down again, still pitching upon the subject of the Ten Pleasures of
+Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find somthing worthy of
+thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as hath
+never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither
+canst thou well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat
+words, as other subjects may be, but only to be clad in plain habit
+most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I perceive that it please
+thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor brain'd in the
+Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will
+incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same_
+Tune, _but I mean to the same_ Purpose, _and apparelled very near the
+same dress: In the mean time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to
+this, and give it a gentle reception, from him who is thine.
+Farewell._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+
+The Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles &
+calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people should
+be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the younger
+sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling
+desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a
+multiplying glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are
+once come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should be
+drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morrice fooles
+caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger
+it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible
+estate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second and
+third time. Truly, if for once any one be through contrary
+imaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, and
+alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, or
+compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second
+and third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from
+speaking, and ty their tongues from complaining, that their miseries
+might not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they truly
+merit.
+
+And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as
+well known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we
+see them run into it with such an earnestness, that they are not to be
+counselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of _Hercules_;
+despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery.
+
+But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth,
+how they decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all
+manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of
+musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages,
+studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst
+Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any
+exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors
+of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of
+more then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a
+damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saint
+upon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty and
+perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed
+all together.
+
+And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so
+much money, and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and
+totally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel.
+They are then hardly arrived at this intitled happiness, but they must
+begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof,
+without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to
+the Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what
+they shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith so
+tosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totally
+laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree,
+but also in persons that have received promotion.
+
+For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly
+stragling about his study, even as his sences do, one among another.
+And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love,
+which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can be
+fitted.
+
+If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own
+sicknes, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of
+them were lying at deaths dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had
+appointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no
+more notice of his Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then
+if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the
+wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is
+incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple,
+or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.
+
+If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to
+begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in
+Marriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment of
+poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then
+being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his
+advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with
+his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed.
+But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little
+enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood
+at the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif and
+Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences,
+the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can
+make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions.
+
+There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say
+otherwise, but _'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready
+against the next meeting_; and are, with grief at heart, forced to
+see as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the
+whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now
+discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health
+of the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants;
+which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may
+boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a
+glass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as
+ever _Nectar_ and _Ambrose_ could be, that the Poets so highly
+commend.
+
+If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what
+can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they
+are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary
+clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning
+the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to
+the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills and
+other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the
+beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between
+friends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and an
+implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent and
+self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and
+Attorneys.
+
+And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of
+this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily
+neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies
+a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what
+Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or
+expected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in few
+daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this
+distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a
+Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and
+who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage.
+
+And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a
+military person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in
+Garison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets,
+flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds;
+though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not
+mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions,
+and a great deal more that belongs to him.
+
+And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with
+him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide
+fields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especially
+by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet
+now he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to
+the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered
+Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady
+Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State
+affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd
+_Jeronimo_.
+
+And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with
+any strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of
+his own Bom, and practises all sorts of waies and means how he shall
+best make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go again
+to his fair one.
+
+And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard,
+when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring
+seas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hath
+to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How often doth he hazard his
+Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an inconstant
+draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath
+drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet
+nevertheless, tho the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his
+head, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering
+_Boreas_, powerfull enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive those
+damps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, having
+driven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh,
+that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, those
+twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things
+would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were
+immediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if,
+unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast,
+oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty weather, and he
+hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger,
+that before was so far preserved.
+
+And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive
+Wilderness, he doth nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon
+his Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressing
+himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach or Pair of Oars
+to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with
+what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with
+waiting upon his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all
+things, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not only
+found without a Master, but the servants without government. And at
+New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any body
+desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he
+can't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where he
+stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd
+to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved,
+and then out of an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes
+receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all his
+business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.
+
+To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner
+touch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast
+the kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns and
+briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he is
+gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his Mistriss,
+and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness;
+immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair;
+being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or
+Tutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; or
+else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another in
+his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well as
+himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a
+pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And
+if the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him to
+fight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting of
+her, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand
+torments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures this
+introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from the
+marriage it self?
+
+Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would
+not but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging
+madness? yet Lovers go forward, and please your selves with this
+imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, you
+obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and
+feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 10. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST PLEASURE.
+
+_The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept._
+
+
+Now, O Lover, till this time you have been indeavouring, slaving,
+turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and begging to get from those
+slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent; you have
+also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors,
+who were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could
+obtain nothing; yet at last that long desired Word, is once descended
+by the Draw-bridge of her lips, like a rich cordial upon your
+languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals. Oh who can
+imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts
+glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials
+are laid aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a
+sudden be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet
+concluded. Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then
+you now possess! For what you will, she will also: and what she
+desires, is all your pleasure. You may now tumble in a bed of Lillies
+and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles, and she
+that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her.
+Yea, those snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch
+with your little finger; you may now, without asking leave, grasp by
+whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full view, consider all this
+rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in the World?
+O unspeakable pleasure!
+
+But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too
+much upon these glistering things: be a little moderate in your
+desired pleasures, if it might happen that there come some
+cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all those
+suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that
+the mouth which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and
+appear'd as if it had been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was
+compared to be the jaws of _Cerberus_. And those breasts, which before
+were the curded _Nacter_-hills, and called the Banket of the Gods, I
+have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and call'd
+worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) somewhat moderate and
+prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this market might
+fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.
+
+Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis
+hop'd there'l be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite,
+that you should go unto all the friends, that must be present at the
+meeting, to hear when their occasions will permit them, and what day
+and hour they will appoint to set upon the business, herewith you have
+work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of
+them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day,
+another to morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by
+this first Pleasure, you have also a little feeling of the first
+trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is to your advantage, because
+you may the better use your self to the following. And of how greater
+State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly
+this trouble generally happens to be more.
+
+But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours,
+troubles and turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together,
+and you doubt not but the match will be closed and agreed upon. But be
+here also a little moderate in your mirth, because oftentimes the
+friends handle this matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony
+bags of each side in a balance, as you may see by the Plate.
+
+In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in
+the next room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and
+keeping of the Wedding; but perhaps, through the discord of the
+friends, it will not be long before you are disturb'd; the differences
+oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters through the
+Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one
+is too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that
+the Parents of the Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and
+the Brides Parents will give too little with their Daughter. Or else
+that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they indeavour to make the
+goods of each side disinheritable, &c. So that it appears among the
+friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter.
+
+And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that
+it is not all hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were
+better for these two to remain unmarried, then to bring each other
+into misery; and can find no grounds or reasons, but rather to
+disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage.
+
+But tho, on each side, they use never such powerfull arguments, to
+the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for there's fire in the flax,
+and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid thinks, if this
+match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we have
+had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am
+ruined for ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so
+constant to him, not hearkning to the advice of her friends, is so
+struck to the heart with such fiery flames of love, that he's resolved
+never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water, or go a
+begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of
+Matrimony for what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and
+Damnation, I am contented, and resolve to sign it: but thinking by
+himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and new made again:
+hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with black
+clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by
+Eclipses.
+
+But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for
+the knot is tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very
+circumstantially write the Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by
+both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen from my heart, and a
+Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for more then
+ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; about
+goes a health, the good success of the marriage, and every one wishing
+them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of prosperity,
+
+    _If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give,
+    How richly this young couple, then might live._
+
+Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose
+nothing by it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it
+produces. Then if there be but one among them who is talkative, and
+that by drinking merrily the good success of the approaching marriage,
+his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at the closing
+of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate;
+and commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at
+first he had the World at will; but then there came this, and then
+that, and a thousand other vexatious things, which continually, or for
+the most part of the time with great grief and trouble had kept him so
+much backward, that it was long before he could get forward in the
+World.
+
+Well, M^{r}. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top,
+and rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you have
+now gotten your legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired
+for Fetters, that nothing but death it self can unloosen them.
+
+And you, M^{rs}. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking
+countenance; be you merry, you are the Bride; yea the Bride that
+occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband
+too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble
+and rumble you, and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation,
+that will comfort the very cockles of your heart. He will (if all
+falls out well) be your comforter, your company-keeper, your
+care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish for, or
+the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your
+palefac'dness, your pains in the reins of your back, and at your
+heart, and all other distempers whatsoever. He will also wipe of all
+your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream of that thing in the
+night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then your
+Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?
+
+But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice;
+pray tell me, when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage,
+what was the reason that you alter'd so mightily, & that your hand
+shook so? Verily, though I am no Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet
+nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best signs; and that one
+might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; the
+events whereof would be more certain then any thing that _Lilly_ or
+any other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a
+short time it will discover it self.
+
+Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and since you have gotten
+your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it would be
+unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business.
+And indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must
+trouble your head with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the
+Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and many other things are yet to be
+bought. Well, who can see an end of all your business! There's one
+piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third looks dull
+and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little
+or nothing bought yet.
+
+And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in
+contriving, ordering and looking upon things, you are every moment
+hindered, & taken off from it, with a continual knocking at the dore
+to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits, another to deliver
+the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &c, a third to be Cook,
+& Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thundering
+so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry
+their message to the Bride.
+
+Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker,
+and Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought &
+ordered for the Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands;
+and handkerchifs; & do but see, the day is at an end again: my brains
+are almost addle, and nothing goes forward: For M^{rs}. Smug said she
+would bring linnen, and M^{rs}. Smooth laces, but neither of them both
+are yet come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and
+comfort your selves, that the Bride will reward you liberally for your
+pains.
+
+Well, M^{rs}. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you
+now do (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled
+pate with a Crown upon it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is
+once over? could you ever have thought that there was so much work to
+be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that for these few
+troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your
+case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running
+up and down like a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may
+be proclaim'd. And now he's a running to and again through the City,
+to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, that are capacitated to
+entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty discourses,
+waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the rest of
+the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some
+good _Canary_, _Rhenish_ & _French_ Wines, that those friends which
+come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with
+a delicate glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie
+about the Brides adornments, may tast the Brides tears.
+
+But really friends, if you come to tast the Brides tears now, 'tis a
+great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and unfeigned
+ones, you must come some months hence.
+
+O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil,
+and run up and down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one
+another; he is doubtless chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her
+some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike her ne'r a whit the worse;
+and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to disswade
+her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care
+for that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings
+over. For now you have as much work as you can turn your self to, in
+getting all your things in a readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and
+Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find that oftentimes two or
+three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the greatest
+slavery imaginable.
+
+Yet, M^{r}. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this
+reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a
+golden Tapistry laid before you, and for your honour the Organs
+playing. The going with a Coach to marry at a Country Town, has not
+half so much grace, and will not at all please the Bride: it is
+therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who
+shall be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens,
+but there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don,
+but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally
+the Guests shall be treated; for they would come off with credit and
+little charge. To this is required the advice of a steward, because it
+is their daily work. And he for favour of the Cook, Pasterer, and
+Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) orders all things
+so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite. And
+the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but
+once the Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another
+consideration to be taken in hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegrooms
+friends shall be plac'd at the Table, the ordering whereof, many times
+causes such great disputes, that if they had known it before, they
+would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and
+the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell
+this marriage nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But
+Bridegroom to drive these damps out of your brain, there's no better
+remedy then to go along with your Bridemen to tast the Wedding wine;
+for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a delicate tast
+and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so
+delicious as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be
+so many curious tasters. Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you
+may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant
+is such a noble blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before
+they have drunk as many Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask
+that they tasted of.
+
+Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing
+but superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers,
+who are constantly talking & prating that the married estate brings
+nothing but care and sorrow with it; here, to the contrary, they may
+see how all minds & intentions are knit together, to consume and pass
+away these daies with the most superabounding pleasures. Away with
+sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct there is
+nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may
+enjoy the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.
+
+But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing,
+and thinks her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first
+Wedding-night will be ended, that she might carry up some water to the
+young couple, and have a feeling of those liberal gifts that she shall
+receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all her attendance,
+running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has
+deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and
+was very diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters;
+but all upon fair promises, having carried her self in the time of
+their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never had
+in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,
+
+    _And now the Bride is in the bed,
+    The former promises are dead._
+
+Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as
+is becoming you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man,
+Coachman, or neighbors servant, may fall in love with you; for many
+times out of one Wedding comes another, and then you might come to be
+a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as well as
+your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night.
+Then you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of
+marriage, and with the Bride expect the second.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of
+the Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others._<
+
+
+Well, young married people, how glad you must needs be, now the
+Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You may now ly and
+sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves
+quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another
+the exercise and handling of Venus Weapons.
+
+Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your
+appetites, & do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo
+_Aretin_, and all her light Companions, in all their several postures.
+Now you may rejoice in the sweet remembrance, how sumptuous that you
+were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other ornaments that my Lady
+_Bride_, and Madam _Spend-all_, first invented and brought in
+practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were
+used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon
+Instruments, singing, leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that
+youth being back'd with Bacchus strength uses either for mirth or
+wantonness.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 30. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+O how merry they were all of 'em! And how deliciously were all the
+dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for the Cook
+and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble,
+and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten
+gallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant
+remembrance.
+
+And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self;
+you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling
+narrow-soul'd Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely,
+without controul, do all what you have a mind to; and receive
+therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best
+beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.
+
+And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how
+willingly doth liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for
+you! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in the
+least comprehend.
+
+Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your
+desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs;
+for after some few daies, it may be hungry care will come and open
+the Curtains of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings
+you are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man,
+Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.
+
+But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear
+your young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with
+her Sister and her Aunt to buy houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush
+and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And then
+she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately Register,
+that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a
+fellouw-feeling of it.
+
+For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses,
+Chiny-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich
+Pictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a
+curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, several Webs for
+Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, and
+a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related:
+For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they
+increase every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudent
+Wives.
+
+And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at
+least the Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good
+carefull labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow,
+that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately
+brought home.
+
+And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant
+and merry; for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be
+without them; and that mony must alwaies be certainly ready, get it
+where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all this, at least, there must
+needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into our house.
+
+You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a
+good Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses,
+Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you
+may go then, with your Hony, twice a year, for the refreshing of your
+spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruits
+of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes you
+with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion,
+indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment.
+If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land,
+and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat some
+new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things;
+in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you.
+
+For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are
+burnt, the Orchards destroied, and the growth of the Fields spoiled!
+therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but
+think, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions
+and Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that
+the War costs mony, and it must be given, or else we should lose all.
+
+At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this
+gallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many
+Orchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags
+don't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that most no
+waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at such trivial
+things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to
+our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in
+ready mony, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger,
+you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might play
+Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies fast, and they will pay
+well, when the War is done.
+
+Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your
+self merry, with the hearing that your friends commend the
+entertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or three
+daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of the
+nearest acquaintance, will come _a la grandissimo_ to give you thanks
+for all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowed
+upon them; which will be done then with such a friendly and
+affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must
+invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make
+an addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness,
+mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friends
+and acquaintance.
+
+'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding
+who were displeased, for not being entertained according to their
+expectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some
+other friends were not seated in their right places; that M^{rs}.
+_Leonora_ had a jole-pate to wait upon her; and M^{r}. _Philip_ an old
+_Beldam_; M^{r}. _Timothy_ was forced to wait upon a young
+snotty-nose; and that Squire _Neefer_ could not sit easily, and
+M^{rs}. _Betty's_ Gorget was rumbled; and that _Mal_, and _Peg
+Stones_, and _Dol Dirty-buttocks_, were almost throng'd in pieces; and
+could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all be
+troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis
+enough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them
+with your Feast.
+
+Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highest
+degree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you
+so much mony; for if you had left them all at home, you could have
+had no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self
+with this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at
+so high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or three
+several times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass of
+Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to
+govern and satisfied.
+
+'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends
+animate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and
+surprize you; with shewing their thankfulness and satisfaction for the
+respect they have received from you; and that they are alwaies
+desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give
+you a visit.
+
+This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and
+Cellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing
+among them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.
+
+And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are)
+your Wives maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and
+unhandsomly; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends,
+beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be an
+incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain your
+friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep a fair
+correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an
+afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and
+Peaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a
+good glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dish
+of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oisters; but none of these
+neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Oh
+quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts,
+such Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?
+
+Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him
+to go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it
+will be extreamly pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid to
+him; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, and
+pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity is
+renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a
+Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be
+extraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more
+agreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental in
+helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a double
+increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompany
+her, and drive fancies out of her head.
+
+If your Wife should fail in her choice of houshold-stuff, and other
+sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudent
+School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and
+advise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be
+neatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art
+of ordring things, that you need not dispute with your Wife about the
+hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for they'l presently
+say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; and
+that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place
+with curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will
+deliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for the
+pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wish
+for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with hammers: give
+it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If
+there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might
+happen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm.
+It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones,
+should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contrive
+and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most
+suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in
+the night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest;
+therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.
+
+And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the
+School to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should
+already begin to grumble and talk how needfull it is to be sparing and
+thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that monies is
+not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must be
+paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent.
+For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you
+might get for an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor
+Bridegroom? This would be sad to hear.
+
+Go therefore to School by _Pythagoras_ to learn silence; and to look
+upon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do
+her own pleasure; and to mix hony with your words. Then you shall
+possess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfull
+steps enter upon the folowing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD PLEASURE.
+
+_The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by
+all their friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country
+for their pleasure._
+
+
+If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young
+married people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest and
+smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to invite
+every one to the Wedding, this sweet _Venus_ must be led abroad, and
+shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World
+must see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree
+together. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up in
+their best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets with
+tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all their
+acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 52. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go
+ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by
+some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and
+prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according
+as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married
+estate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the
+good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman,
+what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a
+maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour
+every one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking
+pleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist,
+receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind
+are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands,
+but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a
+fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve
+therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them
+where ever there is occasion.
+
+And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for
+every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is
+oft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd
+alwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little
+drousie, or that the head akes; the husband knows a present remedy to
+settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to
+see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh our
+selves, or else go and take the air upon the _Thames_ with a Pair of
+Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all _Lambeth_, the
+_Bankside_, and _Southwark_ shakes with it. Oh that _Apollo_ would but
+drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for
+it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the
+Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he
+cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?
+
+To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at
+rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young
+woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures
+in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then
+to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, and
+having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she
+hath a great mind to see _Oxford_ and _Cambridge._
+
+Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see _York_,
+_Glocester_ and _Bristol_, and take our pleasures those waies; for I
+have heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant
+travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to
+relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart
+leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as soon as I am married, I
+will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither;
+because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he would
+sometimes relate of _Herefordshire_ what delicious Syder and Perry is
+made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go
+that way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the
+Fountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week.
+
+It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus
+much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is
+already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding,
+Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he
+cannot disswade her from it.
+
+    _You may as soon retort the wind,
+    As make a woman change her mind._
+
+In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies
+concludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come
+again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my
+Dear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me to
+go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly,
+why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out
+a month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother,
+or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town!
+For the first year will not come again."
+
+Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his
+wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily
+tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that,
+for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for
+a marriage lesson, _Have a care of making the first difference._ If he
+speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would
+occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be
+guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.
+
+Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk
+they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their
+best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all
+their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and
+some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it would
+have no grace.
+
+Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and
+prosperity upon their journy, & so do I.
+
+But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young
+woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the
+World turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she
+shall vomit her very heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take
+her off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he
+knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might
+give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And she
+poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepist
+himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not;
+which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear
+the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning
+to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space
+softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to
+get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her
+distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly
+forwards, to get to the end of their journy.
+
+Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of
+marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me
+thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little
+trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive,
+and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these
+dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your
+stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of
+filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse
+then your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you:
+The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall
+first whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will
+receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her
+imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which will
+the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities
+of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the
+more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much
+joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and
+civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth.
+
+But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to
+speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he
+will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an
+incurable deafness.
+
+They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go
+along with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither
+would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good
+friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the
+dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for
+th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish
+the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further
+attend them upon their journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and
+away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the
+liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the
+flight with his Proserpina through the City.
+
+But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth
+will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an
+eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this
+must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you
+must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your new
+wife.
+
+These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you
+must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from
+home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the
+ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that
+maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts;
+and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep
+open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the
+neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them
+was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted
+and domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how
+they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse
+Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.
+
+Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there
+be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be
+lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices
+to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that
+their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the
+Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number,
+but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in
+that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men
+& maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience
+hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been
+eased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the
+whole World.
+
+These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but
+if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved
+of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of
+what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and
+inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visible
+unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or
+other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will,
+whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects
+his Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation &
+Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all oft-times
+knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so
+inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the
+neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume your
+self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and
+uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married
+Mistris. O miserable pleasure!
+
+But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as
+soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your
+wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home.
+Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up &
+down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is
+impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and
+then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared
+suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to
+be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order
+for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she
+cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about
+her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the
+troublesomness of the journy.
+
+In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and
+laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that
+their Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to
+have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by
+stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he
+had the eyes of _Argolus_ can attrap them; for if by chance you should
+perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude
+you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is
+easily pacified and satisfied for that time.
+
+And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of
+a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well,
+getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally
+see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to
+do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping
+hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set
+in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.
+
+And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a
+Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take
+her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house.
+And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair,
+seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies stragling
+about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds
+a fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistris hath had
+such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was
+beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she
+had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this
+is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have
+been.
+
+Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to
+speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer
+is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things,
+leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no
+understanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman to
+have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now
+and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of
+so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.
+
+Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give
+him full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all
+things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their
+Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a Tom _Peep in the
+pot_, or _Goodman busiebody_. And before dinner is fully done, he must
+hear _Peg_ asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, to
+go by and by and give Mistris _Moody_ a visit, or discourse a little
+with Madam Elenor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need you
+ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North
+Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily.
+Madam _Elenor_ will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that
+she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a
+drift, and away she goes with _Peg_ out of dores. Let it go then as it
+will with the house keeping.
+
+This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies
+agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out
+of Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure
+enough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistris _Moody_, and courteous
+Madam _Elenor_.
+
+Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles
+there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may
+think then what the middle and end must be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 54. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her
+barrenness, and takes Physick for it._
+
+
+Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they
+have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by
+all their acquaintance.
+
+Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of
+what friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the great
+difference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners and
+deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the _Hills_, _Dales_
+and _Meadows_ lie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but most
+particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be
+treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the
+weakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who
+possess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desire
+to be at home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their
+own Tables.
+
+Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man
+hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all
+such idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairs
+and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a
+handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had
+her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of
+pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some
+care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out
+so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man.
+
+But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up,
+without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will
+beleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of your
+marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already got
+footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments:
+Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better
+understanding of further pleasures.
+
+For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to
+complain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life;
+that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a new
+Maid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commanding
+her the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are
+things that she before never used to trouble her self with; and that
+it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in a
+strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that the
+good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these
+foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle
+her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her
+tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't.
+And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end,
+there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendant
+Sunshine.
+
+For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape
+acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which
+increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to
+that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at
+home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with her
+child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres _Breedwell_
+making ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together.
+Yonder Mistris _Maudlen_ complains that she doth not prove with child;
+& then Mistres _Young-at-it_ brags how nearly she could reckon from
+the very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this three
+months, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still
+as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?
+
+This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the
+brain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not
+understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the better
+how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance
+what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly
+relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the
+curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she
+may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he
+doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the
+employ, &c. for the verification whereof the Councel of women bring so
+many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to
+speak of them.
+
+Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their
+advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would
+oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good for
+my self, _viz._ Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones,
+Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-house
+and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from
+Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling
+for the kidneys. And then I would many times my self by dallying with
+him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;
+whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor
+want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess,
+that you had sufficiently done your indeavour.
+
+Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy
+man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws
+at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which
+other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that
+your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you a
+thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to
+express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the
+morning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very
+great pleasures.
+
+But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain
+in the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her
+husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting
+her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a
+good man Do-little, &c.
+
+This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never
+so much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from
+the reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper;
+the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance
+that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still
+complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted.
+
+And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her
+brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that
+she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediately
+she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peoples
+children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably,
+as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth more
+simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have
+done. By which means the children have many times as great an
+affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and
+Mother.
+
+This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her
+husband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means
+knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that
+she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no
+less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest she
+is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is
+freed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a
+child. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of her
+neighbours child, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in
+the World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies so
+long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against
+her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run
+distracted.
+
+But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no
+means or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best
+himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that
+French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and
+women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children:
+Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a
+daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very
+necessary that the good woman her self consult with some experienced
+Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which
+are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken
+away.
+
+To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought
+together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to
+work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith
+(as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they
+make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may
+be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts
+of the body; then to open those that were stopt and caused
+Distempers.
+
+But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable,
+where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her
+husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels.
+
+And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head
+next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon
+all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she
+will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately
+saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only
+pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times
+in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen
+to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no
+wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at
+variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind
+hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a
+child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may
+crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him
+that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing
+that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning
+the tide.
+
+To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife
+is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is
+very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child.
+
+But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to
+hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand
+in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young
+people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the
+satisfaction of the Master.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs._
+
+
+The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I
+find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally
+that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that!
+Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath
+been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made
+for some good effects.
+
+How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor,
+and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull,
+for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman,
+and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance
+is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature
+abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, &
+Thus the women talk.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly;
+continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at
+any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain
+the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must
+suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a
+distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state
+and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and
+preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her
+often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or
+maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass
+it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for
+the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is
+common with big-bellied women to do so.
+
+But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and
+groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid
+it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally
+shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide
+your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good
+sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her.
+For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first
+Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her
+heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house
+must be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold,
+out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self
+herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your
+wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.
+
+Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are
+invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the
+Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or
+have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it,
+are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little
+in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else
+should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good
+woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the
+Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities
+sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd,
+or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.
+
+And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for
+the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom
+knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it
+tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again,
+according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick
+with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately
+another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.
+
+And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous;
+but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure
+her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for
+fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an
+heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end
+an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this
+and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband
+without a wife, and the family without a mistris.
+
+Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is
+generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will
+be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all
+sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year
+affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with
+sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad
+to spend much, and at home neglect more.
+
+If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it,
+that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further.
+Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not,
+or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the
+Country that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.
+
+And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat
+to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to
+humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the
+occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he
+pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it,
+because many women are very fearfull upon the water.
+
+But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found
+to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your
+self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much
+molest and disturb you.
+
+You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to
+be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all
+what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can
+be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time
+what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you
+must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child
+would have some hindrance by it.
+
+Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and
+prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with
+child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the
+providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to
+you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not
+alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or
+cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he
+shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.
+
+It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport
+their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the
+summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest
+Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts,
+and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of:
+And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full
+satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some
+great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and
+dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get
+a blemish by it.
+
+If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to
+sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as
+if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and
+whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If
+she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the
+next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall
+nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no
+help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or
+cost what it will.
+
+And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what
+the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their
+superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a
+thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible
+charges and great expence.
+
+But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us
+some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing
+desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy
+Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for
+Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed
+for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear
+before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real
+longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate
+desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply
+imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and
+t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all,
+is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly
+for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very
+middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young
+Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not
+without paying excessive dear for them.
+
+This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and
+nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how
+often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that
+both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night,
+must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or
+some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
+can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before
+hath an appetite prepared for it?
+
+Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon
+multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a
+griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion
+Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new
+work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what
+he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other
+Physick taken for it.
+
+But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as
+the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the
+Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge
+touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is
+fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her
+good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white
+Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar,
+and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know
+where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found
+in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of
+those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also
+ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or
+Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the
+second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and
+the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a
+glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb,
+and occasions you a good quickness, &c.
+
+Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much
+better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal
+of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the
+back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable
+ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that
+Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good
+an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or
+with an antipathy, by the Patient.
+
+Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a
+higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and
+your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and
+pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes
+you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also
+now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a
+thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties.
+Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six
+months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly
+when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in
+season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then
+that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.
+
+Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not
+these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a
+beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as
+a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart,
+and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience
+thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to
+be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will,
+perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at
+this happiness.
+
+But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and
+Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you
+thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely
+admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected,
+and in a manner too late to repent of.
+
+Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into
+the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this
+unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this
+state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is
+spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all
+to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a
+Midwife and Nurse._
+
+
+In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron
+from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may
+plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one
+acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a
+great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to
+be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to
+provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you
+need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will
+happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff
+unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist
+(as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full
+created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.
+
+And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail,
+that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John
+Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for
+quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because
+you could have no witnesse for your vindication.
+
+You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted
+with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable
+for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.
+
+O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide
+for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the
+months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath
+she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you,
+because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that
+the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger,
+and increaseth the affections.
+
+Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the
+Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the
+disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there
+is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations;
+But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no
+speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her:
+besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone
+till another time.
+
+Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in
+requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her!
+the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full
+of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not
+so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it.
+Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak
+to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so
+imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but
+her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what
+belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her
+acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently
+ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then,
+so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht
+upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers
+were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In
+the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are
+then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word
+is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women
+generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.
+
+But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the
+Maid.
+
+To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the
+Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her
+Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the
+Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom,
+trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells,
+quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to
+school to learn casting of an account.
+
+Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the
+charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to
+market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very
+fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice
+what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it
+might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now
+possess.
+
+Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to
+your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies
+accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all
+things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed
+linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were
+made.
+
+But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice;
+for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go
+and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the
+time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.
+
+Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l
+find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you
+glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of
+importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse,
+because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of
+the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.
+
+Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and
+acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your
+advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you
+may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a
+little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for
+all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst
+the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is
+not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced,
+another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth
+hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short
+there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good
+woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse
+the best.
+
+And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse,
+having already spent above a months time in examining among her
+kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such
+nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few
+to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very
+great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a
+third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much,
+and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid,
+and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a
+one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to
+make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a
+matter of no small weight.
+
+Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you
+may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a
+wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns
+and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very
+cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till
+evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that
+nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how
+mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!
+
+And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments;
+but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that
+she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there
+wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to
+it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with
+the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again
+there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver
+candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought &
+used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not
+fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too &
+again.
+
+Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all
+these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could
+begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom;
+and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the
+rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the
+Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good
+woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring
+eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.
+
+These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly
+the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it
+oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she
+is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she
+happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an
+alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or
+other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor
+husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some
+Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such
+sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal
+keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O
+how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her
+child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which
+makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical
+humours.
+
+But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not
+only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that
+some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and
+withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that
+noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect &
+reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your
+first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither
+will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several
+liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above
+others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.
+
+Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then
+suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges
+to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the
+World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with
+your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine,
+for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the
+Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the
+long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will
+come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much
+joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come
+also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.
+
+Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to
+appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman falls in Labour._
+
+
+Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent
+and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you
+now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or
+unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of
+these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the
+longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very
+unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble,
+grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and
+fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.
+
+But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said
+that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then?
+should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book,
+and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her
+reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the
+Trade goes forwards.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near
+or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress,
+and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of
+them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every
+day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them,
+they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very
+unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time
+to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing
+upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife
+with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions
+for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye;
+neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should
+not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because
+she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.
+
+Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the
+Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the
+maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night,
+whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells
+in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City:
+(for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that
+she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).
+
+Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for
+a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the
+sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not
+find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to
+some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should
+happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this
+Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take
+any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.
+
+But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter,
+vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in
+labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for
+that time.
+
+But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the
+best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto
+you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a
+hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from
+all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the
+grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your
+self did expect you should have been.
+
+Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out
+of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's
+great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love
+your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is
+also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very
+first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &
+do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless
+you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full
+scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:
+For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all
+things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again;
+therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed
+imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar
+good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to
+her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them
+very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities,
+it is taken to be no small affront.
+
+It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards
+would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard,
+that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing
+before her self; little considering how few people the young people
+had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and
+unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a
+method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen
+between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed
+the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.
+
+'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little
+doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble
+School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that
+this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they
+that are well instructed in it.
+
+Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there
+not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor
+Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is
+in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head,
+not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and
+the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected,
+because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up
+before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of
+another, though they be all near relations and friends.
+
+Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself.
+Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good
+Stierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first
+backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath
+the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool
+gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those
+things he most stands in need of.
+
+Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not
+think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are
+not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the
+Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both
+the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris
+_Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out.
+
+Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of
+breath, to desire to borrow them of Mistris _Buy-all_. And she's
+hardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming pan
+is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the
+Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happens
+that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition
+is this!
+
+Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were
+this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all
+the womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each
+other, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great
+alteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so
+desperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or
+perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath
+prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the
+very girdle of Saint _Francis_ can work here no miracle.
+
+Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this
+come by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve
+that it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the
+Child-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if there
+come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able to
+undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.
+
+'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband
+and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women
+beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their
+cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waies
+refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding the
+sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.
+
+But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us
+five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would
+make every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the great
+Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.
+
+Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you
+shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Womans brought to bed._
+
+
+Ha boys! after all the toiling, the happy hour is at last arrived,
+that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well this
+is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; for the
+good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.
+
+Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is
+so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out
+immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance;
+thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry
+at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what
+earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great
+Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness!
+
+[Illustration: Folio 127. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending
+the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other
+Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris
+_Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things
+topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those
+things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think
+that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to
+have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull
+assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any
+where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a
+rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughing
+thrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, taking
+also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little
+at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much
+admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if
+she were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them
+else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of
+their Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing you
+would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well
+imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are
+Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &
+torn, and a third full of mildew.
+
+Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook
+and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the
+great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the
+Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred
+years old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy
+with it, or take it speedily into his bliss._
+
+Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is
+this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat
+in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!
+
+Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical
+possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be
+a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no
+wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer
+then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a
+Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.
+
+Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum
+trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain
+the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet
+tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And
+I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be
+one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag
+that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one
+that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or
+three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise
+and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others.
+And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse
+for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in
+the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak
+before the other.
+
+But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out
+of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill
+that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads,
+Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by
+experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the
+kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it is
+very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and
+I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the
+soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an
+earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost
+gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into
+another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.
+
+Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath
+busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now
+and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as
+long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them
+audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion
+gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning
+the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is
+seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the
+Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.
+
+In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her
+sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a
+back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just
+now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there
+keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.
+
+Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her,
+and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal
+right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires
+her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as
+many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to
+be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to
+be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do
+what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse,
+it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here
+again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her
+Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other
+that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a
+time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for
+want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the
+tipples.
+
+Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters,
+and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven
+away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured.
+Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue much
+longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her
+her life.
+
+Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure
+to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now
+so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in
+deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull
+time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good
+broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid
+Egs.
+
+But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it
+will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come
+to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of
+understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and
+counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced
+in Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more
+then ordinary, they never want for remedies.
+
+Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting,
+hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as
+this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd;
+and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get
+them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_
+relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast,
+when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by
+only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside,
+and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour,
+without any pain, or the least fear of danger.
+
+Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that
+that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to
+be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore
+it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aqua
+vitæ_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of
+Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain
+in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much
+good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make
+use of that, you will never repent it.
+
+But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, and
+found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other
+things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found
+nothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_
+Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.
+
+Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations done
+with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the
+Gentlewoman in Py-yard.
+
+Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a
+secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can
+the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already
+communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it
+who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very
+vigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_
+Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but
+participate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared,
+mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them
+together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the
+Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring
+it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the
+chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it
+doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the
+coming of any more.
+
+Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take a
+little horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for
+that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner.
+
+O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so
+many prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I am
+sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors
+at Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he
+may but once see the back-sides of all these grave and nice
+Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of
+the most accomplished Pleasures.
+
+But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these
+remedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our
+turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a
+swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the
+very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep a
+Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for
+Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever
+chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their
+manner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom
+for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath
+also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and
+who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at
+home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it
+often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now
+and then giving it the sucking bottle.
+
+But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the
+Grandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's
+lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready
+to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaies
+till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so much
+that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to
+_Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a
+good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind
+love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she
+will rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yet
+having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it
+is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at
+quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes
+to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to
+Nurse.
+
+And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new made
+Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and
+mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the
+_East-Indies_, & her child died lately.
+
+This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new
+Father, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now
+all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child;
+the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father
+very well.
+
+Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that
+you may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of
+sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the
+Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with
+nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan
+lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to
+be weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in
+must be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have a
+mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with the
+tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength
+with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laid
+Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for
+you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a more
+strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted
+Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some
+Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young
+Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink two
+or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with the
+finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any
+French wine, for that will too much inflame you.
+
+O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and
+especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink
+again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if
+all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in
+few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her.
+
+This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so
+pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious
+remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at
+these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits
+to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive
+and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife
+may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I
+would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she
+should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she
+might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what
+she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak
+yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what
+is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.
+
+O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and
+carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this!
+And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins
+from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she
+begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of
+coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out
+of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and
+main Pleasure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE NINTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of the Gossips Feast._
+
+
+Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures,
+which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.
+
+But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so
+many joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first
+and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife
+begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her
+grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down
+the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.
+
+But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips
+Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious
+Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult
+who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations
+and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to
+be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can
+ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any
+of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she
+expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them
+that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and
+her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the
+Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women
+understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations
+much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.
+
+O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have
+in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of
+wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be
+your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor
+_Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to
+wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_,
+and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the
+Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near
+relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will
+never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by
+this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a
+Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your
+brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of
+receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap
+it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.
+
+Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no
+sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's
+so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against
+the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think
+on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very
+house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris
+_Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be
+peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it
+forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must
+go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to
+take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the
+Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they
+do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs
+spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good
+colour, equal-size and thickness.
+
+But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these
+incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the
+hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the
+Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father,
+look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty
+darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to
+be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing
+of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and
+all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do
+confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and
+doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the
+Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another,
+that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very
+much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father.
+And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is
+in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have
+drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the
+having very rich laces.
+
+Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed
+woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she
+had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there
+was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every
+one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the
+conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept
+to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with
+Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another
+comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so
+hot.
+
+Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or
+twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you
+other sorts of tales.
+
+In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_
+how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that
+she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished
+room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all
+the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he
+begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets
+some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a
+vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for
+them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other
+savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and
+then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from
+it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer
+then he was before; and what need he care for it then.
+
+Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a
+little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should
+speak of their own Commodities.
+
+O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many
+ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you
+are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and
+discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
+_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to
+keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had
+feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had
+caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.
+
+At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely
+these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish
+there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably
+handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that
+Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with
+his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped
+it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed
+to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris
+_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously
+stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running
+thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her
+Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
+then again to have her stockins soled.
+
+It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to
+a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece
+M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close
+conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last
+there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair.
+
+Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twit
+one another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet
+compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the
+corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other
+watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling
+under her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from some
+obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continue
+so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of
+her distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.
+
+Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard such
+rapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve
+there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented
+their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was
+sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly and
+liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat your
+self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon
+Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to
+him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take
+a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all
+things, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my
+wife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she
+doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve her
+gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good
+body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &
+there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in
+a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at
+the least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her
+Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but
+then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now
+by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill
+about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the
+Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than
+before.
+
+And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but
+yet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls
+so bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss,
+that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead of
+putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, &
+sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of
+it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnen
+bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked body
+only in the blanket alone.
+
+O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and
+entertained all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their
+curious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertaining
+their husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing of
+you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talk
+as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.
+
+Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds
+to the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master _Laugh wel_, that's a Child! who
+ever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have
+such a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alone
+together, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould.
+Stay a little, stay a little, saith _Master Fillup_, it may be you
+would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who
+were Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an
+Alehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of
+them said; Cocksbobs _Jack_ if I had but a Wife, as well as another,
+I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith the
+t'other, it is an easie thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If I
+would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within the
+space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a wager
+between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of
+dores just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets
+length, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an
+errand for her Mistris, and he presently laies her on board. But she
+seemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about her
+business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred by a
+strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he,
+you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may
+certainly beleeve that it is an honest person who speaks to you, and
+only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous good
+condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier,
+and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please
+to admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest
+man, and none of those that go about to ly and deceive any body; and
+indeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothing
+but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time found
+one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms.
+But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to a
+Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort of
+levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldom
+advanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldiers
+life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that
+was under the Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical
+pride did any waies take place by them, but that they, on the
+contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into their
+thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again,
+all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our
+selves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, having
+alwaies something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart,
+doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's
+no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies
+see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards
+and Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c.
+
+In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the
+more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her
+Mistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration. He
+answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we spend time in
+thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any
+thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally
+falls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ah
+my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder
+comes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time,
+till that be past by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for
+otherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldier
+neither woos nor threatens long.
+
+Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by
+the Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box
+for a pledge of marriage; and desired something of her in like manner
+for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted so
+strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge of
+marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto
+his Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the
+Garter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it
+was, what her name was, and where she dwelt, &c. And being told by
+another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well complexion'd Maid,
+By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that I
+could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if
+you will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the
+Maid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l
+hardly know whether it be me or another.
+
+Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine were
+spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged to
+keep it secret.
+
+This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the
+hour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to
+her several passages that were passed between them the day before, and
+shewing her the Garter, made her beleeve that he was the person that
+had contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leaves
+her service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed,
+is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the
+second performed; for just nine months after they were married, she
+was brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived very
+peaceably and quietly together.
+
+Well, I'l vow, saith Master _Crossgrain_, that's a very notable
+relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then
+like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to
+you.
+
+_Barebeard_ and _Mally_, who by a sudden accident, without much
+wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was
+published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that
+they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would
+discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the
+Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes
+themselves, which hapned so.
+
+_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained that
+he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a
+good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish
+Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of
+mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the
+Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired
+his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it
+much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She
+on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the
+streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a
+Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon
+his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think
+that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps
+when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth
+for the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered,
+may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that
+he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness,
+and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your
+Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I
+should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go
+alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.
+
+The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such
+sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said _Barebeard_,
+may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with
+whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes.
+Presently _Barebeard_ thrusting his head out at the dore, calls out
+aloud, _Peg_ do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would
+be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall
+seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in
+this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my _Hal_ to
+have tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me at
+another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most
+shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might
+very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second
+consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But
+_Barebeard_ being now married with _Peg_, they got no children: And
+_Mall_ being married to _Hal_, they had both a Son and a Daughter at
+one birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance _Mall_
+had made with _Barebeard_ before hand, & why she would rather marry
+with Hall then with him.
+
+To this again Mistris _Sweetmouth_ relates, that she had been several
+times invited to Mistris _Braves_ labour; and that she had been twice
+brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last
+encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she
+presented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would
+equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk
+again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she
+calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate
+pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which
+she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the
+wonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir,
+as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just
+cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise
+like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to
+be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high
+doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.
+
+But this Story was hardly told before Mistris _Tittle-tattle_ pursued
+it with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two
+years ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris _Gay_, who was then brought
+to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the
+Labour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the
+stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither
+Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only the
+assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered
+of two gallant Children; but they did not live long.
+
+Upon my word, said Mistris _Bounce-about_, it is an excellent help
+when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It
+hapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat
+late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour,
+said this, Mistris _Bounce-about_, if you would now take a walk to the
+Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor
+weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an
+hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep;
+before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband
+must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the
+Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what they
+could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any
+bodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were
+done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the
+Christning cloath instead of the Blanket.
+
+And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would
+burthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more,
+because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, when
+the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times
+they spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that are
+enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that their
+tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who
+hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is
+high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the
+child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.
+
+Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be
+presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind
+and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that
+you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to
+your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you
+receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their
+wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast,
+to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they
+peep into all nooks and corners.
+
+Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but
+prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such
+another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a
+year?
+
+Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your
+running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by her
+self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But
+Nurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies
+sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among
+the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'l
+go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce:
+because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in
+their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the
+times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little
+mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a
+couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for your
+sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises
+but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made
+your bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nurse
+keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up
+the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to
+have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and
+then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the
+twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of
+the Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in
+to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known
+that the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't do
+it that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to get
+their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again
+think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more
+care they will take for the Child.
+
+Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs
+amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will
+nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be
+sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of your
+self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows
+whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet
+with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed
+woman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you may
+certainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that
+you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider with
+her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so
+that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.
+
+Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist
+and mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a
+mess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that
+you'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess of
+body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body
+that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your
+attendance, unless they want you again.
+
+O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that
+you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the
+Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths._
+
+
+Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that of
+Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verily
+one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it is
+impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to
+display it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst
+Painter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but a
+dead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that is
+found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables but
+it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness
+of one of the nine Parts.
+
+Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so
+short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these
+Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before
+the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 188. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine in
+their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity;
+for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be put
+in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!
+'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.
+
+At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty
+pleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable
+discourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matron
+like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friends
+and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also
+who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and
+pleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass,
+_super naculum_ drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you,
+your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you may
+increase and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; because
+that they then might the better come to the Child-bed Feast.
+
+Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss
+your Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray
+God bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our
+Native Country; all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. And
+when you have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with
+the honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well
+is not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousand
+pounds at lest.
+
+And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other
+Women are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put
+in Cloaths upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved to
+morrow morning to be Church'd, & in the afternoon she'l go to market.
+
+She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in
+the second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and
+in the streets, she hath continually observed severall children, and
+the most part of them dressed up in severall sorts of fashions: Some
+of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether that
+be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makes
+her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand
+very neat and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly
+and very dear; but then again it is very comly and handsom. And then
+again she thinks with her self, as long as I am at Market, I'd as good
+go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is for
+our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person;
+therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, the
+price for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure for
+my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his
+mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.
+
+Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing
+much, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When it
+grows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more mony.
+Don't grudge at this for once, because then you would spoil all your
+mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is not
+only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very
+carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd.
+You your self have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a
+while, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for her
+brains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hours
+time, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and suppose
+you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your answer
+from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all
+her thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, one
+among another continually, to order the dressing up of her child.
+
+I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at
+present run a Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and Trade
+are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reason
+of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce,
+nothing near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort
+your self herewith, that it hath hapned oft-times to others, & will
+yet also happen oftner to you. Yet this is one of the least things;
+but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. This
+seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a
+Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than
+you had before.
+
+You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks
+after the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from
+tossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilest others, on the
+contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their houses; begin first to
+tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that the
+Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto
+both Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman
+is yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of
+the Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping hand
+to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatest
+share in it.
+
+By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of
+the Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then,
+out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that she
+might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her
+breasts for the Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off
+with but rocking the most part of the night; for many times it
+happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father,
+Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of
+their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and
+stratagems, yet all's to no purpose.
+
+And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few
+months are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so
+night & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing
+a thousand thousand times over that they might see day-break; and so
+by the comfortable assistance of day-light receive a little solace for
+all their toiling and tumbling too and again.
+
+Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be
+discomforted at this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have
+learnt somthing in the School of Marriage, to exercise their
+patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves contented with all
+things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past,
+they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them
+thanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with
+a slabbering cocurring. And I beleeve now that they clearly find that
+all things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And
+that the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a
+Cloudy Storm.
+
+You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much
+greater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage,
+neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the child
+in the night.
+
+O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you!
+For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your
+Son; and by that means reap the possession again of all those former
+Pleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are an
+excellent good Artist.
+
+If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your
+wife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her
+miscarry. But you have learnt all these things well enough at the
+first, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance.
+
+Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your
+dearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most
+neatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits,
+to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will have
+it made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totally
+finisht against Sunday next.
+
+O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what a pretty Son you have!
+How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows how
+to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better
+pleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too
+short for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City,
+that she may fullfill her desire of shewing it to every body: never
+was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and the Maid with the
+Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides
+seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to
+day. And most especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse
+turn'd away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that she
+now not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walk
+abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also bound to the Child,
+like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly did,
+to walk abroad with _Giles the Baker_, or _John True the Tailor_; nor
+so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred;
+which occasions no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.
+
+But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs
+also to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented
+because your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather think
+with your self, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her.
+And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find that
+in the house and Kitchin things are not so well taken care for, why
+then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of the
+Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you
+enjoied the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child
+should sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe
+were ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any waies roughly
+handled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger:
+Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit all
+your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things,
+and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no
+small Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little young
+Gosling can so perfectly distinguish the tast of the Wine, from the
+tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder years, perhaps
+they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it.
+But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes
+people quickly gray-headed.
+
+Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at
+an end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels
+or small Pox; and then you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might
+not be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no
+wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and
+measeling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary
+there may then perchance appear so many glimps of marriage Pleasures
+from him, that such small things will not be once lookt at.
+
+For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I
+have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a
+pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she
+goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples;
+which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learnt
+to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making of
+Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.
+
+Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in
+seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil
+deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of _French
+manners and behaviours_; and knows also how to dress up her self so
+finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all the
+neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves
+very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they,
+following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct
+one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the
+difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many
+more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also
+to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the
+opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then
+with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards
+with some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of
+Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if
+the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad.
+Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious
+conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a
+bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very
+pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old
+Proverb,
+
+    _As old Birds did, the young ones sing,
+    Which is a very pleasant thing._
+
+Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your
+selves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to
+the very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; and
+perchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one day
+follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your
+happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can
+happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your
+heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then you
+will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into
+your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous
+through the whole World.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+
+Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married
+people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means,
+indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and
+imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations,
+and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths,
+Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their
+own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy
+snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad and
+lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown
+themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then
+it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and
+sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they
+must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and
+vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures,
+is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any
+of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour,
+as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of
+dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching
+into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the
+quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and
+unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number
+(which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and
+Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise
+themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long
+they can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder
+much, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselves
+never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are
+fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may
+disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen
+that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes,
+&c. for we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those
+commodities.
+
+Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out
+of this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a
+woman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon
+amongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hath
+befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self,
+if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the
+acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles
+and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and
+ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter
+of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon
+your heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the
+glorious Apostle, _It is good for man not to touch a woman._
+
+
+THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A LETTER
+
+From one Friend to another,
+
+_Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry._
+
+
+_SIR,_
+
+I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given
+me some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate
+upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is
+a matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered and
+considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate
+it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very
+same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they
+were affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and
+unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more
+freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly
+to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I
+have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then
+you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my
+meaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the
+disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes
+preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for
+the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as are
+not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof.
+Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there
+will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to
+take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies
+of so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity may
+easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a
+burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he
+would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry
+then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a
+thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a
+thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave.
+You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you
+every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to
+awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some
+mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual
+trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken you
+out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be
+at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many
+insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be
+vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family.
+Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses,
+which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So
+that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his
+daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy
+burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is
+marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities,
+till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch.
+She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour,
+& covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her
+hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her
+bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech
+and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an
+Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive
+with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the
+Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side of
+the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the
+naked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only
+forbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she
+so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is
+repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps
+you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young,
+wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon
+her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love
+her. But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is
+oftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a
+wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent,
+she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted,
+she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of
+her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can
+flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her
+freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you
+will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If she
+love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd,
+she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad
+Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost
+you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one,
+that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters
+with your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all
+your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never
+bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort
+of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if
+you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or
+spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old
+are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the
+innocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and
+women without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. In
+these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them
+that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge
+a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one
+who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the
+middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise
+you to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so much
+discommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it to
+be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it
+bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you
+must then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to
+subject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most
+difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist
+her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of all
+her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Now
+you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may
+then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would
+willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it
+would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and
+vertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, and
+say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and
+needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an
+everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to
+your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that
+they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good
+trees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you have
+seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your
+intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And
+beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of
+marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day,
+then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a
+single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel,
+go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight;
+without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and
+Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for
+their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up,
+concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice,
+then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do
+well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me,
+rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be
+
+            SIR
+
+                _Your very humble servant_
+
+                                      A.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      THE
+
+                   CONFESSION
+
+                    OF THE
+
+               NEW MARRIED COUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CONFESSION OF THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE
+               LONDON,
+               PRINTED in the JEAR 1683.
+               _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+
+                      THE
+
+                   CONFESSION
+
+                     OF THE
+
+               NEW MARRIED COUPLE,
+
+                     Being
+
+  The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+
+                    Relating
+
+   _The further delights and contentments that
+       ly masked under the bands of Wedlock._
+
+
+
+          Written by _A. Marsh._ Typogr.
+
+                 [Illustration]
+
+                    LONDON,
+
+             Printed in the year 1683.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO THE READER.
+
+
+Courteous Reader,
+
+_Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go
+forward with a Second, which I here present thee with; being now
+indifferently confident that it will be no worse used by Thee then the
+Brother of it was: I hope there is never a Part of it, in which thou
+wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for such as
+profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the
+gestur of casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell
+you a notorious ly, I would not have them to study in it, by reason it
+speaks a great deal of truth, and will not be so suitable to their
+humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is scrambled together,
+which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in such_
+holding forth _Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make
+use of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their
+Spirits with a little laughter, and never busie their brains with the
+subversion of State and Church government: And being well received by
+such, it is as much as is expected by him who is thine. Farewell._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+CONFESSION
+
+OF THE
+
+NEW MARRIED COUPLE,
+
+_Being_
+
+The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many
+traverses and tossings too and again, they return quietly home to
+their studies and rememorates all the unexpected pleasure that they
+encountred with upon the one Coast, and the horrible vexations and
+confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning thereof,
+doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and
+conveyeth them through all the Countries, without so much as the least
+moving of a foot. Just so it goes with those that have been under the
+Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed from them: These being then come to
+be solitary, at rest, and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate
+and recogitate what pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings
+and crosses they met with at other times. And the writing down of
+these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the received pleasures;
+but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for them
+to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys
+are still approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know
+not the sweetness of the Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon
+that they may with all earnestness Sail unto it, and possess those
+joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you Ten Pleasant
+Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and
+not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous
+Reader add unto them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married
+people have since confessed, or to be short with you, was formerly
+wink'd at, and passed over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 9 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST PLEASURE.
+
+_The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised
+Portion._
+
+
+Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part
+of your Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal
+delights in it. But what is there in this World that we grow not weary
+of? You have seen that the sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes,
+and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, with al their rich fruits,
+finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of them.
+
+Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it
+is possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst
+the rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this
+appears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it.
+Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you have
+a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriage
+testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your
+apparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate
+how to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more,
+because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped it
+together with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it unto
+you for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, as
+true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it;
+to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find that
+they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily
+this is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could
+but any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly
+the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull an
+intention of you their children.
+
+And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable,
+then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily
+gain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life.
+'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds also
+sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for the
+most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the
+destruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part of
+their lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest.
+If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships at
+sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they will
+assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are
+also so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes
+them very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to be
+feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself
+might come to be lost.
+
+But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for
+every moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who
+buy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and
+trust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is brought
+home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought to
+bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure
+can there be then this?
+
+Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant
+to your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so
+by degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the
+customers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers,
+and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain to
+as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself.
+
+You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in
+this choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally for
+your self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that death
+should bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimes
+setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and set
+forward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to have
+children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in the
+same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from
+them, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and
+over whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children.
+
+And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows
+quick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else
+may be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he will
+alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure and
+advantagious.
+
+It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your
+housekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure
+with your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if
+your husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that a
+Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to the
+Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less to
+new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the
+Trade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both
+and junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; but
+little regard must be taken about that, for the importantest must
+alwaies be taken care of.
+
+And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment,
+begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the former
+pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are
+more noble and becoming, _viz._ in the well governing of your Men and
+Maid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they
+be obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going to
+Market with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress it
+to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatly
+drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of
+Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your
+got a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly
+and finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in the
+standing stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy and
+Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever you
+go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home
+again in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you
+have it) to be by your Baby.
+
+And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends
+and neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in
+Bridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you have
+Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion.
+And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you may
+sing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. So
+that you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, tho
+you be a little tied to a Shop.
+
+This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some
+of the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop,
+and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make
+that you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers.
+
+O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is
+otherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by
+his friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at
+first seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutely
+contented.
+
+O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent
+upon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of
+Wedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very well
+be said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth.
+
+Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too
+monstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be
+found in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible,
+melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vail
+their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Minerals
+as soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others.
+
+Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht
+upon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French
+Manufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much
+better, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied and
+Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, Bon
+Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek
+and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine;
+which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast,
+and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procure
+as many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiar
+acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away much
+mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and
+Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she
+received an honourable visit.
+
+O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife!
+that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit and
+necessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jot
+out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing and
+delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.
+
+Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne
+Wood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And
+you are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and
+Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by the
+hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiously
+together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you
+would swear it is all of one piece.
+
+Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go
+thus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be,
+at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when this
+trouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted,
+gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.
+
+O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be
+when this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one
+Counter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringing
+commodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring and
+weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enough
+with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the
+Customers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass
+that your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and left
+them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as they
+did, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembred
+Sign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run into
+your Neighbors Shops.
+
+I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper,
+first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson,
+but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name,
+of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to the
+generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customed
+Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the
+sign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy
+whose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinction
+between them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, which
+also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only among
+the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among
+Coachmen, Wagoners, and others.
+
+But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our
+new married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the
+earnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and their
+Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, tho
+he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come to
+this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in the
+way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much the
+pleasanter.
+
+For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be
+wanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that must
+be sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also with
+patience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and bad
+paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promised
+Portion.
+
+Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made
+his full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised
+Portion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally ready
+told of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will pay
+my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, when
+there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are better
+furnisht, will then give him the principal.
+
+And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since
+other mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an
+answer, _With young men must be promised, and with daughters must be
+given._ And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as by
+example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound,
+whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give in
+marriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes to
+nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive and
+hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians.
+
+It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are
+discovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come
+to the true pleasure.
+
+But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side,
+you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend your
+principal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate,
+for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more in
+gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estate
+could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues
+thereof received and consumed long before they were due.
+
+'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is
+this approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her
+Guardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in.
+But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition than
+he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in her
+apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there's
+not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to
+be paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides
+apparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinary
+pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many
+hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that
+otherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one
+may easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and that
+Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in search
+of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the
+Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a
+very close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten
+double salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they can
+but help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; and
+afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match.
+But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with,
+is well known to the whole World.
+
+You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim
+to possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting
+voices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon
+the _Scylla_ and _Charibdis_ where the Hellish Furies seem to keep
+their habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, and
+such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards both
+Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.
+
+[Illustration: 27 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now to
+their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy such
+multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of
+kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast
+Estate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate,
+there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together in
+it; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part the
+imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND PLEASURE.
+
+_The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the
+Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions._
+
+
+Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two,
+sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together,
+how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith
+the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew
+and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights.
+
+Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the
+longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their
+affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow
+some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things
+in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall
+alwaies live thus, _Salamander_-like in the fire, without being ever
+indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean
+while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married
+Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall
+brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.
+
+But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other
+pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind
+imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here
+it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the
+young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the
+more frank and jocund.
+
+    _So, that to us, her countenance doth display
+    Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day._
+
+But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self
+insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new
+married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the
+very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon
+Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of
+a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks,
+and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.
+
+And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that
+he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid
+their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But
+his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he
+ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.
+
+But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and
+drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself
+inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that
+by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them
+understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;
+and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from
+your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal,
+or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he,
+if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily.
+
+Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night
+discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has
+walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best
+for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so
+from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family
+duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the
+matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of
+Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink
+Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack.
+
+Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers
+affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he
+resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to
+that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or
+that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby
+commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as
+if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and
+down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it
+himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate
+instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary
+delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a
+huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid
+Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.
+
+But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather
+weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who
+immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty
+or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old
+Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a
+time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent
+for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples
+of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.
+
+But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife;
+therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German
+Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his
+country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr
+zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des
+Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
+Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze
+kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht,
+aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret
+warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal
+tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
+triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und
+Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch
+gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe
+und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel
+gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es
+is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und
+mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich
+zein._
+
+_In English thus._
+
+Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in
+the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree,
+if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of
+sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously
+cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and
+take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use
+of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with
+fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps
+and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and
+Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately
+Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you
+will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
+acceptable to your dearly beloved.
+
+Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter,
+and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of
+words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth,
+for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is
+therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling
+and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him
+take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker
+and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
+for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him,
+that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins
+of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm
+to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him
+that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c.
+Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground
+of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.
+
+O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward,
+it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor,
+who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails
+to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery
+of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to
+account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
+Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the
+tiding of a new Bankrupt.
+
+But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for
+nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new
+remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.
+
+    Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij._
+
+And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and
+Tansies, &c.
+
+Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this
+manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is
+not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
+come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of
+consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken
+such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so
+powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband
+who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly
+sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and
+mollifie it with showers of tears.
+
+But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with
+this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it
+known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you
+before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and
+instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir,
+we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half
+your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your
+wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate
+Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the
+like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives
+lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor
+hath taken so much the better care for it.
+
+Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the
+same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last
+receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.
+
+And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce
+abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast
+up a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be most
+cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to
+hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to
+the further matter of fact.
+
+For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the last
+Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through
+Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'd
+so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truth
+Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were
+troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in
+through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
+you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too
+true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks
+or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing
+a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master
+_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get
+as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running
+behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into
+France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
+together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then
+when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you
+and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good
+advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell
+together, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump,
+that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired
+mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.
+
+At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having
+toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh
+Kan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to be
+familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom
+bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon,
+as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very
+cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads,
+that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy;
+having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.
+
+But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take
+some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
+privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her
+displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise
+of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling,
+answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he
+hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
+know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will
+have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear
+anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.
+
+A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and
+walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of
+Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt,
+Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the
+t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep.
+What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
+answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes
+Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said)
+alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!
+
+There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon a
+new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to
+break of.
+
+But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the
+Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith,
+Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by
+my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel,
+saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not
+without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband
+hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of
+Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.
+
+But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the
+Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as
+it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you
+expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are
+yet other Nuts to be krackt.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD PLEASURE.
+
+_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's
+sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing._
+
+
+It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel
+striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made
+and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying
+in.
+
+[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes
+a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a
+journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers
+in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which
+means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of
+his Shop-keeping.
+
+Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their
+loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young
+woman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume her
+self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer
+this.
+
+Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of
+mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not
+then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible
+and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these
+two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number
+of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are
+used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the
+reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these
+effeminate passions.
+
+Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between
+her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and
+using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart
+merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
+bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she,
+suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with
+me!
+
+But because time and good company help to decline and pass away
+sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit
+opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good
+acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to
+come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
+have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times
+with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that
+she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And
+she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because
+one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her
+Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
+pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for
+trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat
+she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with
+this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty
+Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a
+gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and
+acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.
+
+To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies
+appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer
+themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their
+Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of
+themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done
+and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
+mony as well as her husband.
+
+Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a
+Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake
+Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to
+stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid
+Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and
+_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt
+to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook
+must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must
+run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves,
+Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun,
+and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all
+those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be
+a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of
+Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because
+they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that
+bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
+but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town,
+and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats
+so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day
+following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part
+once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what
+will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this
+three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the
+Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat
+hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and
+in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters,
+and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be
+fetcht ne'r so far.
+
+Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago
+was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly
+there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then
+womens tears!
+
+But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently,
+therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover
+there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
+Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their
+Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the
+sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to
+be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the
+Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had
+not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the
+pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there
+was no looking for them.
+
+Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in
+sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have
+been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but
+now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber,
+Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest
+Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
+their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked.
+They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that
+in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf,
+Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one
+of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to
+act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to
+discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as
+these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never
+seen that they practised this lesson themselves.
+
+But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing
+of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School,
+and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants,
+who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in,
+and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses
+footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
+together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that
+we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures
+of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.
+
+Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease,
+will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal
+should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby
+will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in
+private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a
+publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort
+of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
+gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry
+roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.
+
+But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered
+with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or
+another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences,
+serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very
+indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do
+arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner
+
+    _Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
+    Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._
+
+Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the
+delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be
+in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies:
+For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in
+their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses
+dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
+done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they
+do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be
+not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very
+courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and
+complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least
+Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards,
+that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then
+again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the
+night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part
+of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they
+dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.
+
+Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very
+artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers
+as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves
+with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever
+they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a
+good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.
+
+Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how
+to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them
+happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this
+continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at
+first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and
+not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into
+their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions
+very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition
+taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance
+to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor
+be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number
+of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may
+there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises,
+so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other
+things plenty, for little or nothing.
+
+But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations,
+that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our
+kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about
+the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole
+bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible
+amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have
+received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and
+conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its
+cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not
+able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the
+company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be
+at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must,
+with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or
+sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting,
+every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins,
+that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it
+by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and
+wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that
+the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so
+much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
+finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of
+joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions
+are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other
+side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all
+things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.
+
+All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in
+th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an
+cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that
+they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O
+mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into
+this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
+further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is
+preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.
+
+[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._
+
+
+As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner,
+the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the
+greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities
+Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed
+or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry
+white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
+stars.
+
+It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable
+multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure,
+that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of
+Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.
+
+You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you
+have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want
+the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it
+safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free
+dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in
+between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!
+
+Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal
+of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the
+preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and
+taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally
+hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
+coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out
+of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten
+times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither
+for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but
+dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which
+sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall
+have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.
+
+And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very
+subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above
+all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a
+great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And
+then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to
+be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
+should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that
+the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping
+are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is
+impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a
+Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot
+to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it
+is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony,
+to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when
+her husband is gone from home.
+
+And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great
+sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must
+be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with
+every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch
+that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is
+needful for his occasion from his Wife.
+
+Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies
+see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good
+observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for
+Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or
+increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and
+she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and
+understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be
+gotten forward or gone backward in the World.
+
+And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath
+alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to
+all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within
+dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
+hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress,
+&c.
+
+With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel
+know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true
+pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while
+busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and
+self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and
+guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That
+it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is,
+whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but
+added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into
+an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be
+striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
+imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these
+reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept
+as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest
+they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived
+of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name
+but cannot obtain the effect.
+
+In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by
+clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and
+makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of
+the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly
+flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to
+deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with
+abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make
+some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which
+makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to
+give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.
+
+And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth
+so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him
+pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means
+making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge,
+though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if
+she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes
+to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as
+modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases
+her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty
+acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some
+petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and
+tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but
+that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had
+for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that
+perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.
+
+Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins
+to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making
+thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the
+cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and
+finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be
+short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on,
+though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear
+it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like
+other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.
+
+In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can,
+and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times
+there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats,
+Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and
+habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease
+of some friend, &c.
+
+Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband,
+imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it
+all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd
+Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and
+means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to
+the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a
+pain, patience is the best remedy.
+
+But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_,
+have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of
+your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in
+each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality,
+interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies;
+the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife
+wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt
+but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.
+
+And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at
+Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the
+occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and
+therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to
+Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime,
+delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many
+great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that
+they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great
+sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very
+prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner,
+Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully
+after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one
+year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread;
+and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their
+Lords and husbands.
+
+These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the
+Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of
+my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that
+her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.
+
+But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are
+shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like
+manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and
+every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he
+hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half
+finished are weary of it. Therefore
+
+    _To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,
+    For many do repent, untill that they be dead;
+    But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,
+    A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._
+
+[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and
+loss of time is discovered._
+
+
+Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most
+cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind
+and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the
+Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the
+occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and
+Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is
+many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self
+like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the
+Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things
+must run to a total destruction.
+
+Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost
+indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their
+affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are
+earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live
+honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children
+and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a
+laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of
+diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no
+evening too late for them.
+
+But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent
+of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a
+Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and
+about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in
+his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can
+blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far,
+that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his
+whole delight ought to be.
+
+If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study,
+because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see
+what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take
+yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would
+certainly be a dead man, &c.
+
+And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend,
+who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the
+very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong
+liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next
+morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty
+glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then
+to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him,
+it causes the better operation.
+
+Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he
+takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the
+Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for
+it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.
+
+For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to
+visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient
+walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other
+in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!
+
+Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are
+all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another,
+to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily
+concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the
+contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of
+Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal
+worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in
+the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of
+Wine.
+
+Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen,
+accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest
+Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in
+Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do
+in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full
+purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own.
+And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns;
+they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to
+chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this
+part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning,
+they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their
+wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and
+agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment
+received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries
+mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long,
+till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt
+up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner
+leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.
+
+By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves;
+making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other
+Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will,
+or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other
+end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at
+Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then
+they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there
+to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half
+carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that
+they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus
+all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.
+
+The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and
+others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but
+the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some
+Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings,
+or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath
+not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or
+occasion for any such sort of businesses.
+
+And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these
+sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to
+have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to
+obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much
+tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs
+and business to be imploied therein.
+
+Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others,
+oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and
+Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the
+arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and
+Wares, are risen or fallen in price.
+
+Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their
+Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an
+hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the
+Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though
+it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek
+some Pot-Companions.
+
+These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the
+Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the
+Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish
+Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there
+is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable
+of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock
+strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were
+never so late.
+
+There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go
+out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures
+for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with
+selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and
+talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and
+call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water
+Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua
+mirabilis.
+
+And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason
+that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of
+the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their
+afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and
+Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are
+early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the
+Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that
+more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found
+at the Playhouses.
+
+Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures
+in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along
+the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and
+at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their
+Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal
+of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to
+be chatting and chaffering with.
+
+These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and
+Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all
+their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the
+very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of
+their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and
+Counting-houses.
+
+Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts,
+spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and
+all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home
+they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the
+World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a
+gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.
+
+    _No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,
+    Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._
+
+Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the
+forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there,
+and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their
+Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their
+Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon
+the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending
+the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts,
+Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers,
+and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young
+ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run
+to destruction.
+
+But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon
+certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the
+Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three
+hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend
+there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport.
+Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are
+forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops
+either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most
+convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if
+they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great
+valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty
+imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that
+his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John
+Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks
+before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire
+Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.
+
+Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers,
+coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the
+Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to
+fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in
+his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but
+seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of
+Guinneys.
+
+Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep
+alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit;
+never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary
+dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs
+too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his
+reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their
+Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour
+of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each
+Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers,
+half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the
+reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and
+chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to
+be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best
+places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen,
+in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching
+the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations,
+Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or
+heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.
+
+It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a
+Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part
+must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty
+of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went
+away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all
+spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth
+then the mony.
+
+In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with
+the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for
+the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in
+Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the
+Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage
+on the mens side.
+
+But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath
+more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the
+feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good
+Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the
+pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their
+fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the
+more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the
+less.
+
+And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies
+him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about
+the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he
+did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be
+a much more rare and pleasant sight.
+
+There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that
+consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with
+Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with
+Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their
+Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound,
+and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they
+hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and
+there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh
+in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the
+Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go
+themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like
+beasts then men.
+
+This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs
+at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be
+screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers;
+though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away
+they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then
+the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at
+her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the
+belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is
+much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching
+him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with
+little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the
+Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under
+the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and
+roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie
+caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this
+most noble victory.
+
+Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the
+Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns
+him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the
+Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up
+to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small
+joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then
+there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the
+Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being
+furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his
+paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs;
+there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the
+stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no
+mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth
+him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.
+
+But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate
+the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing
+temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes
+do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never
+so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:
+
+    _When Women long, it harms by chance,
+    But mens desire's a worser dance._
+
+And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to
+Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon
+day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of
+Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece,
+and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse,
+and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer
+nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd
+persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate
+their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry,
+Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances.
+Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily
+swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to
+send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.
+
+If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some
+pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein,
+that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily
+satisfie their longing appetites.
+
+Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to
+make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies
+so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the
+consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found
+out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of
+an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have
+intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons
+throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least
+symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are
+like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for
+all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and
+when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if
+they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes
+Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the
+Water be changed in to Wine.
+
+Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to
+know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some
+hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what
+news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels,
+or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must
+buy and read them, let it cost what it will.
+
+Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great
+prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of
+the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations
+know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they
+never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the
+weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of
+the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which
+many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and
+touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the
+governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for
+when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
+person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own
+business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.
+
+'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves,
+observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves
+easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle
+salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of
+their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings
+with eys of pleasure.
+
+Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a
+kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are
+infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times,
+and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in
+looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do
+come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.
+
+But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height,
+that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans
+contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely
+perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives
+go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they
+ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to
+the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away,
+concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.
+
+But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two
+agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in
+taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto
+you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad,
+and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall
+tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all
+things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again
+in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take
+delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
+pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.
+
+If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes
+spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for
+you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and
+every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.
+
+You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the
+Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and
+Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out
+of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very
+good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore
+think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will
+have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they
+are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis
+also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their
+affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great
+_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly
+their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
+greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the
+actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of
+his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
+passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at
+night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.
+
+'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of
+love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if
+he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the
+Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to
+a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the
+Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
+happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these
+smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition
+between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and
+Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where
+there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as
+soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight,
+that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the
+t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine
+that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should
+live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay,
+if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those
+Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though
+_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would
+make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
+immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that
+you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and
+away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming
+in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is
+taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other
+Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he
+tasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far
+delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he
+acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first
+word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the
+same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
+the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good
+Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All
+good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint.
+Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with
+the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and
+this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by
+the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that
+it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they
+every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
+few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally
+squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but
+keeping them late out from their families; and making them like
+incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when
+they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to
+their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl
+or chide with.
+
+To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter,
+Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they
+commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and
+Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a
+large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
+thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very
+subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and
+advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes
+catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that
+they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they
+stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and
+know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have
+made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let
+them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for
+nothing of grumbling and mumbling.
+
+      _Some sorts of men,
+      Are Tyrants when,
+    Their thirsty Souls are fill'd:
+      They scold sore hot
+      Like_ Peep in th' Pot
+    _And never can be still'd.
+      They talk and prate_
+      At such a rate,
+    And think of nought but evil;
+      They fight and brawl,
+      And Wives do mawl,
+    Though all run for the Divel.
+      But at their draugh,
+      They quaff and laugh
+    Amongst their fellow creatures.
+      They swear and tear
+      And never fear
+    Old _Nick_ in his worst features.
+      Who would but say
+      Then, by the way
+    That Woman is distressed,
+      Who must indure
+      An Epicure
+    With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.
+
+In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are
+hot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the bad
+examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there
+are that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they
+were their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort of
+difference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it,
+know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence and
+respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over
+their children.
+
+Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen,
+and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some
+important affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, that
+his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay as
+deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share of
+all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in
+the ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter,
+drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself
+very diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so long
+that going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fell
+into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said,
+Father! are we not now like brothers?
+
+By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples,
+may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sort
+of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of
+excessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent
+Taverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among good
+acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is but
+seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
+he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the
+highest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times in
+the Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon
+which sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made:
+
+    _Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,
+    Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing._
+
+But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs;
+and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market,
+there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready,
+and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you have
+very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glas
+of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up
+stairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for
+greater Pleasure then this!
+
+O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you can
+keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition is
+there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly
+and well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly
+once in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And although
+it did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions,
+which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, or
+somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they were
+all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief
+and horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it
+self. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance a
+hundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood.
+
+But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young
+Gentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that
+doth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; and
+beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the least
+possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with
+some what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel
+in his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his
+companions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certain
+imbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to be
+discovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.
+
+This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for
+marrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider,
+the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the most
+gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us,
+that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree.
+
+And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike
+natured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together,
+there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction;
+unless it happen that the understanding of the one knows
+extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
+letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may
+the prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the
+Haven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrary
+suffer most miserable Shipwrack.
+
+[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel
+for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured._
+
+
+Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it
+is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming
+that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men
+oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl
+and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill
+name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now
+a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for
+farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to
+see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile.
+
+Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect
+these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of
+the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that
+the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be
+possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you
+had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you
+would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
+be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged;
+for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those
+pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the
+better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the
+gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and
+Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of
+fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
+them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this
+wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury.
+Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are
+descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the
+good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved.
+
+But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we
+consider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not
+in the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part of
+the masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silent
+in Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthing
+to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly,
+that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be
+going hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to
+smoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if
+then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers
+in the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should
+not in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, and
+that she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of his
+Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order,
+and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as
+mention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so
+excessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to get
+notable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselves
+would have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be found
+in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.
+
+O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand,
+to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and
+houskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you,
+as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who would
+not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront
+or bespatter you?
+
+I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that
+will be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken
+Nabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and
+how little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave a
+Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds
+or provocatives they have given her for so doing.
+
+Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad
+natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands,
+had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was
+Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to
+scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and
+to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or
+that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to
+govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no
+means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up
+their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these
+hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands,
+as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would
+be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.
+
+Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and
+all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no
+difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is
+alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your
+husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the
+sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the
+Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you
+could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily
+and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many
+times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and
+grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and
+if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little
+more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of
+fate.
+
+So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first
+and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature,
+thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to
+her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more
+increase in matters of the housekeeping.
+
+But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having
+bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be
+his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and
+mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome
+he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove
+this, which was in some measure done.
+
+But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a
+couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but
+the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of
+them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back
+again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the
+cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made
+ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and
+dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he
+came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and
+must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary
+persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the
+ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife,
+frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the
+breeches solely to his wife.
+
+Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent
+handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured
+Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a
+Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and
+chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet
+expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage;
+yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings.
+But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and
+that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and
+catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence,
+that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the
+remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father
+and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured
+obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the
+intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce
+concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again
+her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay
+his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they
+are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.
+
+Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good
+mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her
+authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that
+in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt,
+and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The
+incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this
+martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to
+cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of
+him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her
+three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew
+Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she
+on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and
+fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the
+head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who
+can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to
+feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the
+more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily
+replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women,
+who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks,
+and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will
+be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being
+married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their
+masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their
+husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that
+there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon
+the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind
+compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand
+wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and
+ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it
+were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.
+
+O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your
+hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what
+means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind
+actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the
+main Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through this
+short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life,
+what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned
+upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?
+
+Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves
+to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or
+strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace
+their kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty.
+
+But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of
+so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will,
+contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a
+pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a
+proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a
+mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues.
+
+This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when
+he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with
+their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an
+inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage
+by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious
+remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and
+cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues
+might in brightness and splendor surpass others.
+
+Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts
+of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is
+beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know
+her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in
+marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring
+Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of
+marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast
+your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the
+Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable
+in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered
+brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune and
+tranquility.
+
+Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the
+Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.
+
+Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and
+imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to
+obey.
+
+Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one
+finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and
+self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner
+than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.
+
+Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own
+Master.
+
+Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently
+considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.
+
+Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in
+love, was not given to the Gods themselves.
+
+Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before
+she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn
+to make a cursie.
+
+If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke
+of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all
+the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.
+
+If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they
+will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a
+slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this
+time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to
+hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or
+expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he
+said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they
+be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be
+unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if
+they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be
+perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very
+vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a
+price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.
+
+And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there
+be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd
+against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as
+they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you
+have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times,
+never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who
+will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken
+of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.
+
+Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.
+
+Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of
+a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation
+will tumble.
+
+Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction.
+For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.
+
+Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of
+such as are of an evill reput.
+
+    _To be a lover of such houses,
+    Makes him to think of other Spouses._
+
+If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.
+
+Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay
+their very gain is loss.
+
+Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are
+fit for nothing.
+
+If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband.
+Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and
+nature is given unto him.
+
+In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the
+expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is
+subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in
+the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were
+a Looking-glass.
+
+
+
+
+THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave
+housekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their
+Children._
+
+
+It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing
+flourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a
+whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house;
+and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort
+it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems
+that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our
+dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our
+Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough
+to complain.
+
+And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already,
+in that short time that you have been married, experience that things
+do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true
+you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest
+of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with
+those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so
+much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.
+
+[Illustration: 135 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they
+were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality,
+to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet
+there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul
+because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is
+esteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight in
+it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they may
+keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children
+indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are
+imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are
+worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered
+much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then
+the others before was.
+
+O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess
+now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their
+plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then
+theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by
+consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the
+easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many
+knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats.
+
+Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you
+can hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort your
+selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your
+marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as
+diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and
+good Trading.
+
+But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then
+increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad
+paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at
+home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is
+Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their
+Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the
+Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration
+of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies
+in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the
+Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look
+upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.
+
+Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of
+Exchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea,
+and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the
+Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, and
+provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several
+other sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting.
+Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding
+the year in Pleasure.
+
+But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you
+live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these
+affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures.
+
+Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and
+have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things
+were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle
+fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding,
+and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your
+Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about your
+Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you
+are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And
+great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you.
+
+Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but
+observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect
+and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with
+honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father
+you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if
+your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this
+your advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage.
+For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with
+them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to
+the World.
+
+Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid
+great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to
+consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less
+price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or
+two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet
+with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in
+besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to
+Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work
+accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your
+house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate
+some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable
+and delightfull to be heard.
+
+Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath
+not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased
+her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good
+company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in
+Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may
+learn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are
+accompanied with?
+
+But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such
+guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general
+imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is
+pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide
+such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never
+so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but
+they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and
+that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all
+what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and
+nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more,
+you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It
+happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners
+after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more
+work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides.
+
+This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any
+thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in
+the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns;
+where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest
+people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that sees
+them either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able
+to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights;
+and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to
+debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private
+chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.
+
+But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the
+mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is
+alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because
+the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of
+housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent
+mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.
+
+Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and
+behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is
+advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you will
+find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a
+transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of
+your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of
+large Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and
+Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever
+else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her
+sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare
+all things, and to take care that there may not so much as a match
+negligently be thrown away.
+
+Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of
+knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the
+streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget
+and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time,
+before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be put
+to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of
+walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now
+on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things,
+and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much
+as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never
+thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her
+delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and
+servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and
+setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with
+this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough
+ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the
+service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before
+she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave
+houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough
+stoutly.
+
+O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so
+many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in
+that most illustrious School!
+
+'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will
+say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of
+when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so
+costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat!
+alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this
+the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make
+a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and
+her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily
+and sluttishly at her house.
+
+'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse
+the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O
+well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten
+such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple
+Clouds.
+
+But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow
+comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and
+suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling
+with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice of
+every dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no
+understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies
+standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all
+covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows
+are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them.
+Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by
+reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their
+houskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger of
+breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these
+ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no
+body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are
+seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the
+occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and
+sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins
+out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and
+seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the
+sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that
+all is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to their
+Creditors.
+
+Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the
+unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others:
+And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like a
+prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and
+delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution,
+diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting
+up of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will so
+root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and
+grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the
+good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your
+children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your
+footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough,
+thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if
+it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst
+Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.
+
+[Illustration: 151 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he
+hath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a
+Scholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a
+Schollerlike life is._
+
+
+Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is
+none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up
+healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon
+open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish,
+as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the
+clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion;
+insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their
+teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow
+up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs
+have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little
+bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son
+to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her
+caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin.
+
+Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to
+another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and
+courteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example!
+But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases,
+that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.
+
+Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son;
+for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or
+Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors
+sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which
+purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out
+of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such
+a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the
+night for it.
+
+What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the
+necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it,
+and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps
+it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a
+mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune
+consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away
+he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk
+furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and
+sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot.
+
+Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he
+wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent,
+sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do
+but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and
+pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew
+him their great love and affection.
+
+But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no
+small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to
+so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never
+at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust
+by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her
+needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such
+sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain,
+when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop.
+
+This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home,
+gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks
+such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but
+to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is
+but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of
+Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein
+yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means
+resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up
+in the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of her
+husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is
+yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what
+a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of
+his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a
+month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the
+City must have one or other penalty paid them.
+
+Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less
+melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he
+can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all
+diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the
+Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the
+evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a
+pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have
+experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their
+son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with
+severall natural and kind reproofs.
+
+'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink.
+What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.
+
+    _The son his mind to study is full bent,
+    Or else will live upon his yearly rent._
+
+Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience.
+Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be
+conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the
+ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is
+worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how
+to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So
+that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.
+
+    _The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,
+    Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._
+
+Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will,
+the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and
+there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of
+the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so
+nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull
+Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And
+moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately
+he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch,
+was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary
+intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him
+go out again.
+
+A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning
+letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the
+Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he
+wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an
+extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without
+suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.
+
+For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies
+they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies,
+Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to,
+unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very
+learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at
+Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his
+promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired
+more.
+
+But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so
+perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother
+merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance,
+that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes
+of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth;
+and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry
+together.
+
+Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to
+sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very
+neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that
+will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink,
+smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do,
+touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable
+statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written
+thus before my Chamber of Books:
+
+    _Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,
+    One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._
+
+The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good
+hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be
+expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary
+and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their
+son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the
+more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of
+mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some
+antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and
+their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad
+accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the
+Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage,
+and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist
+because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated
+by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.
+
+This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if
+there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to
+see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible
+augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and
+wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by
+all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.
+
+As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they
+come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only
+concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places
+also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps
+may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is
+therefore at present clapt up.
+
+Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four
+Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor,
+and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their
+absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly
+weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to
+expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And
+he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be
+neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they
+took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it
+looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the
+Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but
+said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little
+mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted
+my delicately painted house.
+
+But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies
+abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students
+generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst
+other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the
+covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of
+them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor
+made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the
+Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man.
+Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very
+cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.
+
+Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of
+mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example,
+for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this
+trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged,
+and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets
+hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the
+malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean
+while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if
+they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of
+them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that
+there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run
+forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators
+increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding
+it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets,
+cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived,
+till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I
+know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a
+Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities
+that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for
+them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the
+throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not
+trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his
+doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take
+them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat;
+in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth,
+buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay,
+saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown
+pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body
+else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by
+the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces
+which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he
+began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the
+Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The
+Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my
+own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the
+Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably
+beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.
+
+By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is
+true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom
+Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to
+be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother,
+whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off;
+write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his
+Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him;
+therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all
+possible speed immediately come thither, &c.
+
+Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter
+delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least
+distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while,
+these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the
+Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber,
+away they went without paying.
+
+To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far
+from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and
+bound her to a Post.
+
+'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since
+they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these
+Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there
+came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad
+to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors
+Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off
+these planks, tear up this Post, &c.
+
+In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon;
+begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him
+those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so
+poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting
+him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.
+
+Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in
+what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and
+understands that they were Students which had taken their march
+towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man
+with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away
+runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order
+to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be
+examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with
+two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white
+Letters.
+
+    _Garden-Theef._
+
+These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till
+they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer
+such shame and punishment for his winter firing.
+
+Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had
+taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but
+hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it
+before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of
+them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night
+Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the
+Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in
+peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.
+
+Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live
+in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are
+Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from
+these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that
+all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and
+disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked
+pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal
+Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of
+Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such
+multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it
+all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they
+can eat or carry away.
+
+And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in
+Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to
+commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they
+can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at,
+and esteemed to be an heroick act.
+
+It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little
+boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite,
+which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The
+Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy,
+then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of
+the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his
+middle in a great many knots, then went their way.
+
+Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the
+Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold
+back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious
+blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let
+fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was
+unhappily drowned.
+
+It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the
+petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents,
+each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one
+acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness,
+lavishness, and troublesomness.
+
+Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the
+World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and
+Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is
+an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from
+their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And
+though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or
+other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than
+ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long
+till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it
+apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life,
+or else flies his Country, to save it.
+
+Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole
+nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away
+Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close
+with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then
+senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling
+and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a
+Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his
+voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become
+learned Doctors.
+
+Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential
+Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths,
+books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to
+their Parents soundly peppered.
+
+Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their
+Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without
+the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
+promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a
+daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which
+knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and
+mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda
+is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well
+how to empty the Students Pockets.
+
+Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are
+indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that
+their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in
+his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because
+they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a
+very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of
+those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.
+
+But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their
+wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long
+time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court
+Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other
+vocation, be cast in their teeth.
+
+Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave
+themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that
+it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves.
+But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
+commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but
+fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some
+considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours,
+perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a
+rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage
+or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means
+will hardly maintain them.
+
+If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs
+away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he
+hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his
+Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first
+Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if
+their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been
+obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!
+
+But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents;
+yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason
+that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their
+Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in
+the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.
+
+These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the
+full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and
+have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while,
+all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness,
+cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To
+that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
+curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece
+of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over
+shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the
+beholders.
+
+These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City
+Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener
+Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men,
+then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.
+
+This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination
+towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and
+indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make
+use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come
+to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage
+this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.
+Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with
+his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the
+Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means
+marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the
+Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than
+Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at
+home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and
+tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected,
+occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings
+up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that
+it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the
+Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a
+horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well
+married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.
+
+You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks
+and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a
+liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not
+brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he
+is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will,
+when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
+him to be a great man.
+
+[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest
+and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be
+noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we
+could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the
+revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.
+
+Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession
+of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the
+contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your
+Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed.
+For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own
+spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities;
+because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
+Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+THE NINTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._
+
+
+'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children
+take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils;
+the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and
+the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they
+appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we
+perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and
+that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant
+Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest
+Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.
+
+So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and
+airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or
+rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow
+to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are
+natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your
+expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a
+Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush
+Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several
+examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to
+be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large
+prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do
+herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.
+
+But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which
+house-keeping people have not only from children, but from
+base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done
+unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and
+stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base
+Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the
+Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm
+all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
+it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due
+obedience.
+
+Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have
+gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss;
+immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over
+her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she
+knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to
+order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them,
+and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and
+that so_.
+
+And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this
+some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again
+as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing
+Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if
+their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases
+them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with
+the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.
+
+But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a
+service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks
+sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's
+damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will
+not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her
+hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as I
+command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your
+Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must
+hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c._
+
+How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no
+sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out
+servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses
+insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by
+some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the
+ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves
+Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her
+Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.
+
+Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means
+to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service,
+and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to
+turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then
+to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient
+for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be
+near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.
+
+Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a
+Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own
+mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess.
+Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and
+watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and
+neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good
+humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves
+Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To
+which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and
+again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes
+to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side
+with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with
+the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with
+a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master,
+to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to
+rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of
+inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master
+have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare
+him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some
+indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty
+merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there,
+Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this
+bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it._ Whereupon the Maid
+answered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I
+must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it._ The
+answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms,
+throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite
+of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married,
+then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she
+had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.
+
+But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view
+what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with
+her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very
+honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security
+for her fidelity.
+
+Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss
+perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the
+better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a
+glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back,
+but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before
+she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over
+the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that
+soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as
+she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the
+Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was
+impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can
+abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep
+come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three
+daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more
+mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup
+to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody
+Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she
+is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an
+Angel a year the more wages for it.
+
+But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other
+causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to
+go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in
+the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the
+children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither
+is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other
+may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on
+Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I
+should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good
+opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.
+
+She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that
+she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to
+retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had
+been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but
+the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her
+physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs,
+that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would
+not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same
+time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner
+prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire,
+that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that
+her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least
+fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and
+Fairing.
+
+Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and
+Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould;
+for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the
+t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both
+of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter,
+to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry
+themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew
+themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire
+in one hand and water in the t'other.
+
+These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses,
+with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries;
+keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which
+know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and
+brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and
+basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to
+recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own
+houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as
+precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.
+
+This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they
+cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they
+do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some
+that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain
+that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary
+devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins,
+to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or
+such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their
+fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and
+wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their
+husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what
+delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd
+Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.
+
+These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long
+aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their
+fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the
+Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable
+poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable
+people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable
+and terrible to be related.
+
+By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of
+people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and
+actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast
+quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are
+damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants,
+salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds,
+lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over
+Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish
+Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must,
+therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so
+especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many
+times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of
+the adversities that may befall it.
+
+This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after
+t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in
+again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a
+new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve
+the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a
+tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times
+observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
+
+O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a
+conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth
+and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in
+their own Family.
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous.
+And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be
+divorced._
+
+
+As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people;
+and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on
+the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad
+Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions
+and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets
+their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying
+fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of
+Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the
+emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too
+much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain,
+that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations
+annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this
+it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a
+wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble
+and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship:
+for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat
+to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is
+no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind
+of imperficiency.
+
+[Illustration: 197 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company,
+be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the
+woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling
+and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless
+when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the
+Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else
+credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of
+prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other.
+
+The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And
+for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But
+because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their
+business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out
+their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some
+movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great
+trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the
+commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen
+to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our
+self-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenter
+of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife
+are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading
+in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied;
+and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such
+like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks
+but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do
+contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to
+have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse
+with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl,
+chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars
+then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is
+such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued.
+
+Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know
+how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible
+words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and
+rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove
+their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent
+Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish
+their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.
+
+But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their
+brains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest,
+the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly.
+For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his
+servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife
+lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so
+bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest
+people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut
+many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds
+thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity,
+which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he
+is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would
+be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl,
+scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon
+his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of
+them knowing the least reason in the World for it.
+
+In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his
+wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so
+divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also
+never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his
+nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason
+for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation
+of implacable hatred.
+
+Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is
+a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every
+way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a
+jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth,
+then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in
+his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his
+presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have
+had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where
+this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.
+
+'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such
+Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill
+doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now
+begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband
+is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured;
+and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides,
+that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much
+from those of former times, and especially from them of the first
+year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the
+occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine
+Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away
+by some or other charming Punk.
+
+And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that
+somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had
+just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before
+came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had
+taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he
+related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening,
+with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy
+houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom
+there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to
+suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers.
+
+And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way,
+imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay,
+the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his
+coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest,
+seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is
+so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun,
+and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear
+again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice,
+that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the
+Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a
+shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane,
+or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is
+not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue.
+
+Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in
+these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with
+jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or
+who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the
+dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look
+sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it
+be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab,
+poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the
+love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that
+through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married
+Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together,
+because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth
+such evill fruits.
+
+Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the
+Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united
+and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of
+superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people;
+whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and
+to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each
+other. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding
+married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in
+better tranquility.
+
+But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all
+the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then
+reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and
+Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by
+each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest
+reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples,
+wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble;
+especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and
+reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this
+jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people
+of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some
+which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and
+suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is
+impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in
+the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who
+dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this
+unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to
+be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read
+all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by
+the example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a
+Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net,
+where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these
+following Verses, which she hath sung so many times:
+
+    _You may in sea lanch when you will,
+      To see the boistrous Main,
+    Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,
+      Fore you return again.
+    The married state, is much like this,
+      O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,
+    Yet must be born, see how it is,
+      With tauntings, toils, and losses._
+
+But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors,
+just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses;
+for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designs
+and indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed and
+Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done by
+death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for
+a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it
+might lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of
+his jealousie.
+
+And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between
+him and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that
+those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by
+death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation,
+have just remained alive.
+
+Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent
+Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an
+operation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And
+that they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, that
+they might the better excuse those of their Adversary.
+
+O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a
+Looking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure and
+tranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out of
+their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live long
+together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might
+inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their
+second-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree to
+the whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise the
+folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they have
+more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever
+had; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the
+married estate to be the best and commendablest though some of them
+were married to women, who notably bore the sway.
+
+We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus that
+pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give
+himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief,
+trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary,
+that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understanding
+appears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened by
+marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-married
+Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought
+to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a
+second-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for the
+exhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude with
+that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and Philosopher
+Marcus Aurelius: saying, _Because the life of Man cannot remain
+without Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise,
+and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as much
+as the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in the
+World, have not so much poison spread or contained in their whole
+bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue._
+
+
+THE END OF THE SECOND PART OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The
+Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh
+
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+    <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage by A.
+    Marsh.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The
+Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New-married Couple (1682)
+
+Author: A. Marsh
+
+Release Date: October 26, 2004 [EBook #13872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TEN PLEASURES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Victoria Woosley and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE</h1>
+    <h4>AND THE SECOND PART</h4>
+    <h1>THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE</h1>
+    <h2>Contents</h2>
+    <div class="ctr">
+      <table summary="TOC" border="0">
+        <colgroup span="2">
+          <col align="left" />
+          <col align="right" />
+        </colgroup>
+        <tr>
+          <th colspan="2" align="center">THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE</th>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>INTRODUCTION</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_v">v</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>Publisher's Preface</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_xvii">xvii</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>To the READER</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_xx">xx</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE TEN PLEASURES</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE FIRST PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE SECOND PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_24">24</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE THIRD PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_34">34</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE FOURTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE FIFTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_56">56</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE SIXTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE SEVENTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE EIGHTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE NINTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_97">97</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>THE TENTH PLEASURE</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>&nbsp;</td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>A LETTER</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_132">132</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>&nbsp;</td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <th colspan="2">THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE</th>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>To the READER</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_143">143</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>INTRODUCTION</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The First Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_147">147</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Second Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Third Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_170">170</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Fourth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_181">181</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Fifth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_189">189</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Sixth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_215">215</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Seventh Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_228">228</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Eighth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Ninth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_259">259</a></td>
+        </tr>
+        <tr>
+          <td>The Tenth Pleasure</td>
+          <td><a href="#Page_270">270</a></td>
+        </tr>
+      </table>
+    </div>
+    <p><em>Transcriber's Note : Title and Contents above were not part of the original
+    book, but are provided for the convenience of the reader.</em></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/title1.png"><img src="images/title1_th.jpg"
+    alt="THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE" title="" /></a><br />
+    THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE<br />
+    Printed at London 1682.<br />
+    <i>Published by The Navarre Society, London.</i></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1>THE TEN PLEASURES OF<br />
+    MARRIAGE</h1>
+    <h4>AND THE SECOND PART</h4>
+    <h1>THE CONFESSION OF THE<br />
+    NEW MARRIED COUPLE</h1>
+    <h4>ATTRIBUTED TO</h4>
+    <h3>APHRA BEHN</h3>
+    <h4><i>REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION</i></h4>
+    <h4>BY</h4>
+    <h3>JOHN HARVEY</h3>
+    <h4>AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES</h4>
+    <h4>AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES</h4>
+    <h4>RE-ENGRAVED</h4>
+    <h4>LONDON: MCMXXII</h4>
+    <h4><i>PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED</i></h4>
+    <h5><i>Printed in Great Britain</i></h5>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h2><a id="Page_v" name="Page_v"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+    <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he Restoration brought back to
+    England something more than a king and the theatre. It renewed in English life the
+    robust vitality of humour which had been repressed under the
+    Commonwealth&mdash;though, in spite of repression, there were, even among the Puritan
+    divines, men like the author of <i>Joanereidos</i>, whose self-expression ran the
+    whole gamut from freedom to licentiousness.</p>
+    <p>It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be vividly
+    concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the chronicler of <i>The Ten
+    Pleasures of Marriage</i> revives the opprobrious term for a
+    tailor&mdash;"pricklouse": the whole history of the English woollen industry and of
+    the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic architecture is in the nickname. Or a single
+    phrase can light up an idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is
+    running up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests itself
+    sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux metagrobolized Rabelais into
+    something almost more tumescent and overwhelming than the original. In that<a
+    id="Page_vi" name="Page_vi"></a> vein of humour the present work frequently runs. The
+    author is as ready to pile up his epithets as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he
+    says, "for then you'll have an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and
+    Prittle-pratler, less than you had before."</p>
+    <p>It is, in fact, as an example of English humour&mdash;exaggerated, no doubt, by
+    the reaction from Puritanism&mdash;that <i>The Ten Pleasures of Marriage</i> should
+    be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it is of uncertain parentage and
+    must own to foreign kin. A well-known but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally
+    rare book is Antoine de la Salle's <i>Quinze Joies de Mariage</i>. It seems possible
+    that this was translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which <i>The Ten
+    Pleasures</i> was published&mdash;1682-1683&mdash;the following work was registered
+    at Stationers' Hall: <i>The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts of matrimony,
+    being in requital of the late fifteen</i> sham <i>comforts</i>. Moreover, <i>The Ten
+    Pleasures</i> was in all probability printed abroad&mdash;Hazlitt thinks at The Hague
+    or Amsterdam. The very first page in the original edition contains one of several
+    hints of Batavian production&mdash;"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious
+    allusion to the great French poet, Cl&eacute;ment Marot, may also suggest a temporary
+    foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known to<a
+    id="Page_vii" name="Page_vii"></a> English readers in the seventeenth century, the
+    exact reference of the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on
+    the fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem <i>Colloque de
+    l'abb&eacute; et de la femme s&ccedil;avante</i>; and Marot certainly wrote about
+    women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure in English literary
+    allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact suggests at least familiarity with
+    the literature of other countries.</p>
+    <p>But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in general and
+    in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as it was in the days before
+    our grandfathers decided that the human body was an obscene thing and its functions
+    deplorable. It has the middle-class love of good food&mdash;Colchester oysters
+    (famous then as now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges,
+    comfits, pancakes&mdash;enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid English
+    furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians" (valences), "daslles"
+    (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the
+    fuss of preparation for childbirth&mdash;the accumulations of wrappings, the
+    obstetric furniture, the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic
+    ancestors of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig&mdash;why, the haste to fetch the
+    midwife at the crisis might almost be the <a id="Page_viii"
+    name="Page_viii"></a>foundation upon which Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff,
+    Esq., to Kingsgate Street, High Holborn.</p>
+    <p>It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average fairly prosperous
+    English life&mdash;the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the sea-captain's. The author
+    clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had
+    to be fully written up for scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts.
+    (But the pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of
+    business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief description of
+    his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to some extent, has a certain life
+    in it, as if the writer, embittered, was recalling his own youthful experience.) He
+    knew, too, what to-day we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a
+    merchant's business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the actual
+    supply of material&mdash;"what commodities are arrived or expected," and whether tea
+    is up &frac12;d. or tin &frac34;d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The commercial world
+    changes only its methods of communication and expression.</p>
+    <p>The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary interest. From
+    the literary point of view, it is a near descendant&mdash;collateral, if not direct,
+    and anyhow based <a id="Page_ix" name="Page_ix"></a>on the same English empirical
+    humour of life&mdash;of Thomas Overbury's <i>A Wife</i> (1614&mdash;only one unique
+    copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's <i>Microcosmographie</i> (1628), in
+    prose, and Thomas Bastard's <i>Chrestoleros</i>* (1598), in verse. It is an early
+    instance of the stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material
+    previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is directly in the
+    succession which in the end produced what is perhaps the most enduring and individual
+    phenomenon in our literature&mdash;the English novel.</p>
+    <div class="blkquot">
+      <p>* A copy of the very rare first edition fetched &pound;155 at the Britwell sale
+      in February 1922.</p>
+    </div>
+    <p>Of course the book says things we do not say now openly&mdash;though the
+    traditional <i>corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum</i> which almost all men and even
+    some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from generation to generation,
+    solely by word of mouth, and flickers now and again in <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>. But
+    they were said openly then, and by great writers. There is nothing here so
+    nauseatingly indecent as the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev.
+    the Dean of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are bawdy
+    words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the Summoner or Tom Jones
+    might have used&mdash;less, on the whole. There is no need, to borrow a phrase from
+    <a id="Page_x" name="Page_x"></a>the book's sequel, to "make use of the gesture of
+    casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls will solace their spirits
+    with a little laughter, and never busy their brains with the subversion of Church and
+    State government."</p>
+    <p>Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in his pages
+    like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house for the Puritans, not
+    even, apparently, in the bringing up of his child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's
+    Puritanical Holding-forth" must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no
+    <i>Catechizing of Families</i>&mdash;a discourse published by Richard Baxter in this
+    very year 1683; and the only <i>Compassionate Counsel</i>&mdash;a Baxter pamphlet of
+    1681&mdash;he is likely to offer to young men is to take life lightly, as his hero
+    does, and above all, not to marry.</p>
+    <p>For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is less well
+    sustained in the sequel, <i>The Confession of the New Married Couple</i>, and dropped
+    altogether in the bitter <i>Letter</i> at the end of <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>). It is
+    a savage attack upon women&mdash;upon (to quote a Rabelaisian sentence) "the
+    quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of
+    the female sex." Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots
+    and Shoes, etc., for we find both<a id="Page_xi" name="Page_xi"></a> Merchants and
+    money ready always to buy those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for
+    one of his implications is that women can easily be bought. But he&mdash;if it is a
+    "he"&mdash;is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully&mdash;what are
+    they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well: here are the
+    pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a match&mdash;and look at all the
+    worry of the settlement, in which, by the way, you may often be defrauded. You will
+    get married&mdash;a fine ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of
+    the neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the occasion. You get
+    married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your wife, who will indulge your
+    wishes or not as suits her mood. Your house will be all awry if she has but a slight
+    headache. When the baby comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen
+    and medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father added to the
+    discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your wife will know how "to
+    cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay lady of Covent Garden. And so on.</p>
+    <p>Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression if not in
+    thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of English middle-class
+    life under James II. that the importance of the book lies. Here is the <a
+    id="Page_xii" name="Page_xii"></a>domestic side of what the great diarists and the
+    great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records, those treasuries of
+    private appearances in public, chronicle with the severity of judgment. You have the
+    young couple going (alas that the river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved
+    farther up its own course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and
+    Southwark echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at
+    Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre on Bankside,
+    for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter preached. Or they might go
+    into Kent and pick fruit, even as "beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for
+    its cider and perry, the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only
+    for an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the streets gay with
+    signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but taverns wear to-day&mdash;the
+    sign of the <i>Silkworm</i> or the <i>Sheep</i>, or that fantastic schoolmaster's
+    emblem, the <i>Troubled Pate</i> with a crown upon it. And when they stopped for rest
+    at the sign of a bush upon a pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef,
+    the neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high and crops
+    poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom, and fruits of war. If the
+    impositions <a id="Page_xiii" name="Page_xiii"></a>and taxes run high, the country
+    farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must be given, or
+    else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long ago as 1682?</p>
+    <p>As a <i>genre</i> work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The gradual
+    social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop into stagnation under the
+    first Georges, caused didactic works, guides to manners, housewifery and sport,
+    society handbooks, to proliferate. <i>The Ten Pleasures</i> mentions some standard
+    works, which every good housewife would probably possess&mdash;Nicholas Culpepper's
+    medical handbooks, for instance, and <i>The Complete Cook</i>, which indeed, as part
+    of <i>The Queen's Closet Opened</i>, had reappeared in its natal year 1682-1683. The
+    same year saw the birth of such works as <i>The Complete Courtier</i>, <i>The
+    Complete Compting House</i>, <i>The Gentleman Jockey</i>, <i>The Accomplished Ladies'
+    Delight.</i> Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in readiness for the complacent
+    century about to open. It was also being explored, not only in such works as <i>The
+    Ten Pleasures</i> and <i>The Woman's Advocate</i>, but in others (entered as
+    published, but in many cases not known to be now extant) like <i>The Wonders of the
+    Female World</i>, <i>The Swaggering Damsel</i>, or <i>Several New Curtain
+    Lectures</i>, and <i>Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious
+    dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice</i>&mdash;all produced <a
+    id="Page_xiv" name="Page_xiv"></a>in that same <i>annus mirabilis</i> of outspoken
+    domesticity.</p>
+    <p><i>The Ten Pleasures</i>, apart from its intrinsic interest, is exceptionally
+    important from a book-collector's point of view. It is of the utmost rarity. There is
+    no copy in the British Museum and none in the Cambridge University Library. In fact,
+    there are only two copies known of the whole work&mdash;one in the Bodleian (wanting
+    one plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth Collection had a
+    copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies contain the second
+    part&mdash;<i>The Confession</i>&mdash;and evidently the two parts, though they have
+    separate title pages, and were published at different times, were intended to form a
+    complete work.</p>
+    <p>Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page. A. Marsh
+    cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers' Registers for the
+    period. It may be that Marsh thought it too licentious for registration (an
+    improbable supposition), and so, as Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad.</p>
+    <p>But the initials A.B. at the end of the <i>Letter</i> in the first part may be a
+    clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they are those of Aphra
+    or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first woman to earn her living by her
+    pen. It is true that she was, so to speak, <a id="Page_xv" name="Page_xv"></a>a
+    feminist: the preface and epilogue to her <i>Sir Patient Fancy</i> speak bitterly of
+    those who would not go to her plays because they were by a woman. On the other hand,
+    she had a free pen, to say the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch
+    associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She had herself been
+    on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated a Dutch book on oracles. If the
+    book was printed in Holland, she of all people could get the work done. And she knew
+    the city of London intimately.</p>
+    <p>There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in <i>Sir Patient
+    Fancy</i>, which recall touches in <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>. She introduces a Padua
+    doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her plays, a curious interest in
+    medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is
+    swelling up like the "pipsy" husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping
+    begins to be as ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their
+    mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of mankind." It is
+    not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered moment this singular woman threw
+    herself with malicious joy into an attack on her own sex.</p>
+    <p>"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric deservedly lives. If
+    she wrote <i>The Ten Pleasures</i>, the sort of love she describes <a id="Page_xvi"
+    name="Page_xvi"></a>in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet if we
+    want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart from the curious
+    interest of its rarity, <i>The Ten Pleasures</i> is a sturdy piece of human
+    nature.</p>
+    <h4>JOHN HARVEY.</h4>
+    <hr />
+    <h2><a id="Page_xvii" name="Page_xvii"></a>Publisher's Preface</h2>
+    <p>"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to the Romance
+    of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted by the Navarre Society, is
+    surely proof most positive. The original is a small thick volume; it bears the
+    imprint "London, Printed in the year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that
+    copy lay unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's
+    shop.</p>
+    <p>Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the manners of the
+    commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague, who wondered why he did not
+    know it. After purchasing it he found the reason why&mdash;the Bodleian Library alone
+    possessed a copy of the work (imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only)
+    appeared in the last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present
+    text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above.</p>
+    <p>The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book, which presents
+    pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play which<a id="Page_xviii"
+    name="Page_xviii"></a> Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have
+    written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if so, it may well
+    be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to England foundered in the North Sea,
+    or was sunk by enemy craft. There can be no doubt that such a work would not have
+    escaped the wits of the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention
+    would have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other so
+    likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself.</p>
+    <p>It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time permit, with a
+    Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the industrious and sometimes
+    brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which the Navarre Society believe to be well
+    grounded. They hope that the issue of the book to their subscribers may help to
+    confirm or refute that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex.
+    Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so vividly
+    representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued from the obscurity to
+    which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it and worthily preserved for scholars
+    and amateurs of the future.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1>THE TEN</h1>
+    <h1>PLEASURES</h1>
+    <h1>OF</h1>
+    <h1>MARRIAGE,</h1>
+    <h3><i>Relating</i></h3>
+    <h3>All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of
+    Matrimony.</h3>
+    <h4>Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.</h4>
+    <h4>LONDON,</h4>
+    <h4>Printed in the Year, 1682.</h4>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h3><a id="Page_xx" name="Page_xx"></a>To the READER.</h3>
+    <p>Courteous Reader,</p>
+    <p><i>This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of some spare
+    hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small time, between whiles,
+    hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring down again, still pitching upon the
+    subject of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find
+    somthing worthy of thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as
+    hath never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither canst thou
+    well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat words, as other subjects
+    may be, but only to be clad in plain habit most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I
+    perceive that it please thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor
+    brain'd in the Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will
+    incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same</i> Tune, <i>but I
+    mean to the same</i> Purpose, <i>and apparelled very near the same dress: In the mean
+    time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to this, and give it a gentle reception, from
+    him who is thine. Farewell.</i></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1"></a> The Ten<br />
+    PLEASURES<br />
+    Of<br />
+    MARRIAGE.</h1>
+    <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he Nuptial estate trailing
+    along with it so many cares, troubles &amp; calamities, it is one of the greatest
+    admirations, that people should be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into
+    it. In the younger sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling
+    desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a multiplying glass,
+    it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are once come to the years of knowledge
+    and true understanding should be drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and
+    morrice fooles caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger
+    it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible estate, do, by a
+    decease, cast themselves in again to a second and third time. Truly, if for once any
+    one be through contrary <a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a>imaginations misled, he may
+    expect some hopes of compassion, and alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what
+    comfort, or compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second and
+    third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from speaking, and ty
+    their tongues from complaining, that their miseries might not be more and more
+    burdened with scoffings which they truly merit.</p>
+    <p>And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as well known to
+    every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we see them run into it with
+    such an earnestness, that they are not to be counselled, or kept back from it, with
+    the strength of <i>Hercules</i>; despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid
+    slavery.</p>
+    <p>But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, how they
+    decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all manner of noble exercises, as
+    in keeping time all dancing, singing of musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of
+    several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the
+    learnedst Doctors, &amp;c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any
+    exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors of young
+    Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of more then ordinary
+    beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she
+    is immediately ador'd like a Saint upon an<a name="Page_3" id="Page_3"></a> Altar:
+    And in an instant there is as much beauty and perfection to be seen in her, as ever
+    Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed all together.</p>
+    <p>And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so much money,
+    and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and totally abandoned that they may
+    keep company with a painted Jezebel. They are then hardly arrived at this intitled
+    happiness, but they must begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel
+    whereof, without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to the
+    Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what they shall do to
+    please the Sweet object. Being therewith so tosticated, that all their other business
+    is dispersed, and totally laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the
+    first degree, but also in persons that have received promotion.</p>
+    <p>For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly stragling about
+    his study, even as his sences do, one among another. And if you hear him preach, his
+    whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, which he then turns &amp; winds to Divinity as
+    far as possible it can be fitted.</p>
+    <p>If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own sicknes, that
+    he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of them were lying at deaths
+    dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had appointed certainly <a name="Page_4"
+    id="Page_4"></a>to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no more notice of his
+    Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then if it did not concern him. But if
+    at last he doth come, it is when the wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that
+    the body is incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, or
+    Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.</p>
+    <p>If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to begin and pursue
+    the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in Marriage; that all other suits tho they
+    be to the great detriment of poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly
+    rejected. Then being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his
+    advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with his Mistress,
+    that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. But coming at last, one half
+    of the time that can be spent, is little enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in
+    what state the cause stood at the last meeting. And then having heard what the
+    Plaintif and Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the
+    accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can make any decision
+    of this cause to both your satisfactions.</p>
+    <p>There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say otherwise, but
+    <i>'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready against <a name="Page_5"
+    id="Page_5"></a>the next meeting</i>; and are, with grief at heart, forced to see as
+    much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the whole concern of their
+    debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now discourse of matters of state, and
+    drink a glass about to the health of the King &amp; the prosperity of our Country and
+    all the inhabitants; which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress,
+    he may boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a glass,
+    &amp; I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as ever <i>Nectar</i>
+    and <i>Ambrose</i> could be, that the Poets so highly commend.</p>
+    <p>If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what can the
+    unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they are writing, scribble up
+    a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary clauses, and make long periods; not so
+    much as touching or mentioning the principal business; and if he does, writes it
+    clear contrary to the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills
+    and other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the beginning, nor the
+    middle with either. Which occasions between friends, near relations, and neighbors,
+    great differences, and an implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent
+    and self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and Attorneys.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6"></a>And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has
+    gotten the least smatch of this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he
+    daily neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies a Post
+    or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what Merchandises rise or
+    fall, or what commodities are arrived or expected. And by this means buies in Wares,
+    at such rates, that in few daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them.
+    Nay, this distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a
+    Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and who hardly
+    thrice in ten times make a good voyage.</p>
+    <p>And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a military person
+    happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in Garison, he doth nothing but trick
+    up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge
+    and Warlike deeds; though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will
+    not mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a
+    great deal more that belongs to him.</p>
+    <p>And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with him; and runs
+    so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide fields are too narrow for him.
+    Yea and tho he formerly had (especially by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself
+    like a second<a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a> Mars; yet now he'l play the
+    sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to the end he may, having put on his
+    fine knotted Scarf, and powdered Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable
+    Babe, his Lady Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State
+    affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd <i>Jeronimo</i>.</p>
+    <p>And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with any strong
+    City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of his own Bom, and practises
+    all sorts of waies and means how he shall best make a capitulation, that so leaving
+    the place, he may go again to his fair one.</p>
+    <p>And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, when they are
+    sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring seas doth he not undergo,
+    through an intemperate desire that he hath to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How
+    often doth he hazard his Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an
+    inconstant draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath
+    drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet nevertheless, tho the
+    raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his head, he withstands it all. Nor is
+    the main Ocean, or blustering <i>Boreas</i>, powerfull enough, to cool his raging
+    fire, and drive those damps out of his brain.<a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a> The
+    tempestuousness of the weather, having driven him far out of his course; his only
+    wishes and prayer is, oh, that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his
+    Beacon, those twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things
+    would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were immediately Shipwrackt,
+    and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he
+    happens to see the Coast, oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty
+    weather, and he hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger,
+    that before was so far preserved.</p>
+    <p>And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive Wilderness, he doth
+    nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon his Customers. Spending most part
+    of his time in finical dressing himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach
+    or Pair of Oars to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with
+    what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with waiting upon
+    his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all things, how miserably he
+    neglects it, by which means, shop's not only found without a Master, but the servants
+    without government. And at New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if
+    any body desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he can't
+    spare half an hour to write it out: For <a name="Page_9" id="Page_9"></a>where he
+    goes, where he stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd
+    to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, and then out of
+    an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away
+    all his time, and all his business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.</p>
+    <p>To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner touch the shell
+    of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast the kernel they look for; they
+    feel nothing else then thorns and briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one
+    that thinks he is gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his
+    Mistriss, and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness;
+    immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair; being presently
+    molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or Tutor will not like his person,
+    or that he has not means enough; or else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make
+    choice of another in his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as
+    well as himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a
+    pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And if the other get
+    any advantage of him; then he challenges him to fight; hazarding in that manner his
+    precious life, for the getting of her, who when he had <a name="Page_10"
+    id="Page_10"></a>her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand torments of death and
+    misery. Pray observe what pleasures this introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may
+    we then expect from the marriage it self?</p>
+    <p>Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would not but curse
+    the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging madness? yet Lovers go forward, and
+    please your selves with this imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your
+    hope, you obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and
+    feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate01.png"><img src="images/plate01_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 1" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 10.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a>THE FIRST PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/n.png" alt="N" class="figleft" />ow, O Lover, till this time
+    you have been indeavouring, slaving, turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and
+    begging to get from those slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent;
+    you have also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors, who
+    were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could obtain nothing; yet
+    at last that long desired Word, is once descended by the Draw-bridge of her lips,
+    like a rich cordial upon your languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals.
+    Oh who can imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts
+    glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials are laid
+    aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a sudden <a name="Page_12"
+    id="Page_12"></a>be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet concluded.
+    Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then you now possess! For what
+    you will, she will also: and what she desires, is all your pleasure. You may now
+    tumble in a bed of Lillies and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles,
+    and she that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her. Yea, those
+    snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch with your little finger; you
+    may now, without asking leave, grasp by whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full
+    view, consider all this rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in
+    the World? O unspeakable pleasure!</p>
+    <p>But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too much upon these
+    glistering things: be a little moderate in your desired pleasures, if it might happen
+    that there come some cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all
+    those suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that the mouth
+    which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and appear'd as if it had
+    been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was compared to be the jaws of <i>Cerberus</i>.
+    And those breasts, which before were the curded <i>Nacter</i>-hills, and called the
+    Banket of the Gods, I have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and
+    call'd <a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a>worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say)
+    somewhat moderate and prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this
+    market might fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis hop'd there'l
+    be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite, that you should go unto all
+    the friends, that must be present at the meeting, to hear when their occasions will
+    permit them, and what day and hour they will appoint to set upon the business,
+    herewith you have work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of
+    them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day, another to
+    morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by this first Pleasure, you
+    have also a little feeling of the first trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is
+    to your advantage, because you may the better use your self to the following. And of
+    how greater State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly this
+    trouble generally happens to be more.</p>
+    <p>But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours, troubles and
+    turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together, and you doubt not but the
+    match will be closed and agreed upon. But be here also a little moderate in your
+    mirth, because oftentimes <a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a>the friends handle this
+    matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony bags of each side in a balance, as
+    you may see by the Plate.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in the next
+    room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and keeping of the Wedding;
+    but perhaps, through the discord of the friends, it will not be long before you are
+    disturb'd; the differences oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters
+    through the Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one is
+    too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that the Parents of the
+    Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and the Brides Parents will give too
+    little with their Daughter. Or else that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they
+    indeavour to make the goods of each side disinheritable, &amp;c. So that it appears
+    among the friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter.</p>
+    <p>And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that it is not all
+    hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were better for these two to
+    remain unmarried, then to bring each other into misery; and can find no grounds or
+    reasons, but rather to disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage.</p>
+    <p>But tho, on each side, they use never such <a name="Page_15"
+    id="Page_15"></a>powerfull arguments, to the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for
+    there's fire in the flax, and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid
+    thinks, if this match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we
+    have had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am ruined for
+    ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so constant to him, not hearkning
+    to the advice of her friends, is so struck to the heart with such fiery flames of
+    love, that he's resolved never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water,
+    or go a begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of Matrimony for
+    what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and Damnation, I am contented, and
+    resolve to sign it: but thinking by himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and
+    new made again: hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with
+    black clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by
+    Eclipses.</p>
+    <p>But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for the knot is
+    tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very circumstantially write the
+    Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen
+    from my heart, and a Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for
+    more then ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; <a
+    name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a>about goes a health, the good success of the
+    marriage, and every one wishing them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of
+    prosperity,</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give,<br />
+    How richly this young couple, then might live.</i></p>
+    <p>Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose nothing by
+    it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it produces. Then if there be
+    but one among them who is talkative, and that by drinking merrily the good success of
+    the approaching marriage, his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at
+    the closing of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate; and
+    commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at first he had the
+    World at will; but then there came this, and then that, and a thousand other
+    vexatious things, which continually, or for the most part of the time with great
+    grief and trouble had kept him so much backward, that it was long before he could get
+    forward in the World.</p>
+    <p>Well, M<sup>r</sup>. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top, and
+    rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; &amp; you have now gotten your
+    legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired for Fetters, that nothing but
+    death it self can unloosen them.</p>
+    <p>And you, M<sup>rs</sup>. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking
+    countenance; be you <a name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></a>merry, you are the Bride; yea
+    the Bride that occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband
+    too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble and rumble you,
+    and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation, that will comfort the very
+    cockles of your heart. He will (if all falls out well) be your comforter, your
+    company-keeper, your care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish
+    for, or the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your palefac'dness,
+    your pains in the reins of your back, and at your heart, and all other distempers
+    whatsoever. He will also wipe of all your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream
+    of that thing in the night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then
+    your Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?</p>
+    <p>But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice; pray tell me,
+    when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage, what was the reason that you
+    alter'd so mightily, &amp; that your hand shook so? Verily, though I am no
+    Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best
+    signs; and that one might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it;
+    the events whereof would be more certain then any thing that <i>Lilly</i> or any
+    other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a short time it will
+    discover it self.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18"></a>Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and
+    since you have gotten your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it
+    would be unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business. And
+    indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must trouble your head
+    with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and
+    many other things are yet to be bought. Well, who can see an end of all your
+    business! There's one piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third
+    looks dull and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little or
+    nothing bought yet.</p>
+    <p>And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in contriving, ordering
+    and looking upon things, you are every moment hindered, &amp; taken off from it, with
+    a continual knocking at the dore to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits,
+    another to deliver the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &amp;c, a third to
+    be Cook, &amp; Pastryman, &amp; so many more, which come one after another thundering
+    so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry their message to
+    the Bride.</p>
+    <p>Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker, and
+    Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought &amp; ordered for the
+    Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands; and handkerchifs; &amp; do but
+    see, the day is at an end again: my brains are almost addle, and nothing goes
+    forward: For M<sup>rs</sup>. Smug<a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a> said she would
+    bring linnen, and M<sup>rs</sup>. Smooth laces, but neither of them both are yet
+    come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and comfort your selves,
+    that the Bride will reward you liberally for your pains.</p>
+    <p>Well, M<sup>rs</sup>. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you now do
+    (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled pate with a Crown upon
+    it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is once over? could you ever have thought
+    that there was so much work to be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that
+    for these few troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your
+    case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running up and down like
+    a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may be proclaim'd. And now he's a
+    running to and again through the City, to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind,
+    that are capacitated to entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty
+    discourses, waiting upon them, &amp; to make mirth &amp; pleasure for them and the
+    rest of the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some good
+    <i>Canary</i>, <i>Rhenish</i> &amp; <i>French</i> Wines, that those friends which
+    come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with a delicate
+    glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie about the Brides adornments,
+    may tast the Brides tears.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a>But really friends, if you come to tast the
+    Brides tears now, 'tis a great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and
+    unfeigned ones, you must come some months hence.</p>
+    <p>O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil, and run up and
+    down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one another; he is doubtless
+    chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike
+    her ne'r a whit the worse; and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to
+    disswade her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care for
+    that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings over. For now you
+    have as much work as you can turn your self to, in getting all your things in a
+    readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find
+    that oftentimes two or three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the
+    greatest slavery imaginable.</p>
+    <p>Yet, M<sup>r</sup>. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this
+    reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a golden Tapistry
+    laid before you, and for your honour the Organs playing. The going with a Coach to
+    marry at a Country Town, has not half so much grace, and will not at all please the
+    Bride: it is therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who shall
+    be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens, but <a name="Page_21"
+    id="Page_21"></a>there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don,
+    but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally the Guests shall
+    be treated; for they would come off with credit and little charge. To this is
+    required the advice of a steward, because it is their daily work. And he for favour
+    of the Cook, Pasterer, and Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it)
+    orders all things so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite.
+    And the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but once the
+    Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another consideration to be taken in
+    hand, to know how the Bride &amp; Bridegrooms friends shall be plac'd at the Table,
+    the ordering whereof, many times causes such great disputes, that if they had known
+    it before, they would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and
+    the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell this marriage
+    nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But Bridegroom to drive these
+    damps out of your brain, there's no better remedy then to go along with your Bridemen
+    to tast the Wedding wine; for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a
+    delicate tast and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so delicious
+    as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be so many curious tasters.
+    Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and<a
+    name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a> Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant is such a noble
+    blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before they have drunk as many
+    Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask that they tasted of.</p>
+    <p>Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing but
+    superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers, who are constantly
+    talking &amp; prating that the married estate brings nothing but care and sorrow with
+    it; here, to the contrary, they may see how all minds &amp; intentions are knit
+    together, to consume and pass away these daies with the most superabounding
+    pleasures. Away with sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct
+    there is nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may enjoy
+    the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.</p>
+    <p>But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing, and thinks
+    her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first Wedding-night will be
+    ended, that she might carry up some water to the young couple, and have a feeling of
+    those liberal gifts that she shall receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all
+    her attendance, running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has
+    deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and was very
+    diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters; but all upon fair
+    promises, having carried her self in the time of <a name="Page_23"
+    id="Page_23"></a>their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never
+    had in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>And now the Bride is in the bed,<br />
+    The former promises are dead.</i></p>
+    <p>Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as is becoming
+    you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man, Coachman, or neighbors servant,
+    may fall in love with you; for many times out of one Wedding comes another, and then
+    you might come to be a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as
+    well as your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night. Then
+    you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of marriage, and with the
+    Bride expect the second.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24"></a>THE SECOND PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <p><i>The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of the
+    Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others.</i></p>
+    <p><img src="./images/w.png" alt="W" class="figleft" />ell, young married people, how
+    glad you must needs be, now the Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You
+    may now ly and sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves
+    quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another the exercise and
+    handling of Venus Weapons.</p>
+    <p>Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your appetites, &amp;
+    do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo <i>Aretin</i>, and all her
+    light Companions, in all their several postures. Now you may rejoice in the sweet
+    remembrance, how sumptuous that you were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other
+    ornaments that my Lady <i>Bride</i>, and Madam <i>Spend-all</i>, first invented and
+    brought in practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were
+    used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon Instruments, singing,
+    leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that youth being back'd with Bacchus strength
+    uses either for mirth or wantonness.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate02.png"><img src="images/plate02_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 2" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 30.<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></a>O how merry they were all of 'em! And how
+    deliciously were all the dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for
+    the Cook and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble, and
+    the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten gallantly, &amp; drunk
+    deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant remembrance.</p>
+    <p>And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self; you are now
+    wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling narrow-soul'd Tutors (those
+    hellish Curmugions) now you may freely, without controul, do all what you have a mind
+    to; and receive therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best
+    beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.</p>
+    <p>And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how willingly doth
+    liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for you! Oh you have a pleasure,
+    that those which never tried, can in the least comprehend.</p>
+    <p>Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your desires, in the
+    pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs; for after some few daies, it
+    may be hungry care <a name="Page_26" id="Page_26"></a>will come and open the Curtains
+    of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings you are to expect from the
+    Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man, Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.</p>
+    <p>But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear your young Wife
+    every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with her Sister and her Aunt to buy
+    houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings
+    must be bought: And then she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately
+    Register, that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a
+    fellouw-feeling of it.</p>
+    <p>For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses, Chiny-ware, Plush
+    Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich Pictures, a Service of Plate, a
+    Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard,
+    several Webs for Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces,
+    and a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related: For other
+    things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they increase every day fresh
+    in the brains of these loving and prudent Wives.</p>
+    <p>And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at least the
+    Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good carefull labourer, must
+    follow them softly <a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a>with his wheel-barrow, that the
+    things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately brought home.</p>
+    <p>And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant and merry;
+    for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be without them; and that mony
+    must alwaies be certainly ready, get it where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all
+    this, at least, there must needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into
+    our house.</p>
+    <p>You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a good Portion,
+    though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses, Orchards, and Lands that be
+    oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you may go then, with your Hony, twice a year,
+    for the refreshing of your spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the
+    House-rents, fruits of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one
+    salutes you with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion,
+    indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment. If, with their
+    Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land, and to be a participator of
+    those sort of pleasures; or to eat some new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe
+    Fruits, all these things; in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to
+    you.</p>
+    <p>For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are burnt, the
+    Orchards <a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a>destroied, and the growth of the Fields
+    spoiled! therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but think,
+    this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions and Taxes run high,
+    the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that the War costs mony, and it must be
+    given, or else we should lose all.</p>
+    <p>At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this gallant
+    marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many Orchards, and of so many
+    dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags don't much increase by it at present, but
+    rather lessen, that most no waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at
+    such trivial things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to
+    our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in ready mony, you'd
+    have been at a stand again, where, without danger, you should have put it out at
+    interest; fearing that they might play Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies
+    fast, and they will pay well, when the War is done.</p>
+    <p>Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your self merry,
+    with the hearing that your friends commend the entertainment they have had to the
+    highest; and that two or three daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with
+    some of the nearest acquaintance, will come <i>a la grandissimo</i> to give you
+    thanks for all the respect &amp; civilities <a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a>that
+    you have so liberally bestowed upon them; which will be done then with such a
+    friendly and affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must
+    invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make an addition to
+    the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness, mirth, and friendship, is planted
+    and advanced among all the friends and acquaintance.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding who were
+    displeased, for not being entertained according to their expectations; and because
+    their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some other friends were not seated in their
+    right places; that M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Leonora</i> had a jole-pate to wait upon her;
+    and M<sup>r</sup>. <i>Philip</i> an old <i>Beldam</i>; M<sup>r</sup>. <i>Timothy</i>
+    was forced to wait upon a young snotty-nose; and that Squire <i>Neefer</i> could not
+    sit easily, and M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Betty's</i> Gorget was rumbled; and that
+    <i>Mal</i>, and <i>Peg Stones</i>, and <i>Dol Dirty-buttocks</i>, were almost
+    throng'd in pieces; and could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at
+    all be troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis enough
+    that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them with your Feast.</p>
+    <p>Truly, they ought to have been contented &amp; thankfull to the highest degree;
+    and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you so much mony; for if
+    you had left them <a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a>all at home, you could have had
+    no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self with this, that when
+    it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at so high a rate. 'Tis much better to
+    invite them at two or three several times before hand, and entertain them with a
+    merry glass of Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to
+    govern and satisfied.</p>
+    <p>'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends animate one
+    another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and surprize you; with shewing their
+    thankfulness and satisfaction for the respect they have received from you; and that
+    they are alwaies desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give
+    you a visit.</p>
+    <p>This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and Cellar for
+    them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing among them. Yes, and it
+    will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.</p>
+    <p>And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are) your Wives
+    maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and unhandsomly; but, for
+    this, you shall be both by her, and her friends, beloved and commended in the highest
+    degree: Yea it will be an incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain
+    your friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep <a name="Page_31"
+    id="Page_31"></a>a fair correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an
+    afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and Peaches prepared for
+    you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a good glass of Wine. And in the
+    Winter, to please your appetite, a dish of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of
+    Oisters; but none of these neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of
+    Wine. Oh quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts, such
+    Cousins, &amp; such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?</p>
+    <p>Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him to go home
+    with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it will be extreamly pleasing to
+    your Wife, and a double respect paid to him; because you bring him to a collation
+    among other Cousins, and pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and
+    familiarity is renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a
+    Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be extraordinarily
+    pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more agreeable to the female sex, then
+    that they may be instrumental in helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you
+    will see a double increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to
+    accompany her, and drive fancies out of her head.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a>If your Wife should fail in her choice of
+    houshold-stuff, and other sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be
+    prudent School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and advise her
+    to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be neatest, and where to be
+    bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art of ordring things, that you need not
+    dispute with your Wife about the hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for
+    they'l presently say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes;
+    and that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place with curious
+    Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will deliver themselves, like a
+    Court full of wise Counsellors, for the pleasure and instruction of your Beloved.
+    Well, what could you wish for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with
+    hammers: give it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If
+    there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might happen to disturb
+    your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm. It is not the fashion that
+    Women, especially young married ones, should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for
+    her, if she contrive and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most
+    suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in the night, but
+    she thinks on't; yea it costs <a name="Page_33" id="Page_33"></a>her many an hours
+    rest; therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.</p>
+    <p>And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the School to
+    exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should already begin to grumble and
+    talk how needfull it is to be sparing and thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is
+    mighty dead; that monies is not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and
+    bills must be paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent.
+    For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you might get for
+    an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor Bridegroom? This would be sad to
+    hear.</p>
+    <p>Go therefore to School by <i>Pythagoras</i> to learn silence; and to look upon all
+    things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do her own pleasure; and to
+    mix hony with your words. Then you shall possess the quintessence of this Pleasure
+    fully, and with joyfull steps enter upon the folowing.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a>THE THIRD PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by all their
+    friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country for their
+    pleasure.</i></h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/i.png" alt="I" class="figleft" />f it be true that there is a
+    Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young married people to ascend unto, these are
+    certainly the finest and smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible
+    to invite every one to the Wedding, this sweet <i>Venus</i> must be led abroad, and
+    shewed to all her husbands friends &amp; acquaintance: yea, all the World must see
+    what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree together. To which end
+    they trick and prick themselves daily up in their best apparel; garnishing both the
+    whole city and streets with tatling and pratling; &amp; staring into the houses of
+    all their acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate03.png"><img src="images/plate03_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 3" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 52.<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a>Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth!
+    for they hardly can go ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are
+    saluted by some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and
+    prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according as occasion
+    presents, wishing them also much joy in their married estate; Yea the great Bowl is
+    rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the good prosperity of the young couple. Well,
+    thinks the young woman, what a vast difference there is between being a married woman
+    &amp; a maid! How every one receives &amp; treats you! What respect and honour every
+    one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking pleasure! And how every
+    where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist, receiving all manner of friendship! It
+    is no wonder that all womankind are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their
+    first husbands, but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a
+    fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve therefore to
+    think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them where ever there is
+    occasion.</p>
+    <p>And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for every foot
+    you are invited out here &amp; there to a new treat, that is oft-times as noble and
+    as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd alwaies at the upper end of the Table.
+    If next day you be but a little drousie, or that the head akes; the husband <a
+    name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a>knows a present remedy to settle the brain; and the
+    first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk
+    out of Town to refresh our selves, or else go and take the air upon the <i>Thames</i>
+    with a Pair of Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all <i>Lambeth</i>, the
+    <i>Bankside</i>, and <i>Southwark</i> shakes with it. Oh that <i>Apollo</i> would but
+    drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for it is too soon
+    to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the Watch. So that its every day
+    Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he cannot see the abundant pleasures of
+    marriage?</p>
+    <p>To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at rest, and
+    begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young woman talks of going out of
+    Town together, and to take their pleasures in other Towns and Cities, first in the
+    next adjacent places, and then to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was
+    there, and having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she hath a
+    great mind to see <i>Oxford</i> and <i>Cambridge</i>.</p>
+    <p>Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see <i>York</i>,
+    <i>Glocester</i> and <i>Bristol</i>, and take our pleasures those waies; for I have
+    heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant travelling thither,
+    and all things very cheap. And when he began to relate any thing of Kent, and its
+    multiplicity of fruit, my very heart leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as <a
+    name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a>soon as I am married, I will immediately be pressing
+    my husband that we may go thither; because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And
+    then again he would sometimes relate of <i>Herefordshire</i> what delicious Syder and
+    Perry is made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go that
+    way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the Fountain-head. Ah,
+    my dearest, let us go thither next week.</p>
+    <p>It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus much longer
+    out of his house, &amp; from his vocation; by reason he is already so much behind
+    hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, Feasting and taking pleasure; but
+    alas, let him say what he will, he cannot disswade her from it.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>You may as soon retort the wind,<br />
+    As make a woman change her mind.</i></p>
+    <p>In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies concludes
+    this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come again. If we don't take some
+    pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my Dear, a year hence we may have a child,
+    then its impossible for me to go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a
+    chain: And truly, why should not we do it as well as they &amp; they did; for they
+    were out a month or two, and took their pleasures to the <a name="Page_38"
+    id="Page_38"></a>purpose? my Mother, or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us
+    go also out of Town! For the first year will not come again."</p>
+    <p>Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his wife, he must
+    let her have her will, or else she will be daily tormenting of him. And to give her
+    harsh language, he can't do that, for he loves her too well. His father also taught
+    him this saying, for a marriage lesson, <i>Have a care of making the first
+    difference.</i> If he speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that
+    would occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be guilty
+    of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.</p>
+    <p>Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk they send
+    the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their best apparel with them, that
+    their friends in the Country, may see all their bravery. And besides all this, there
+    must be a riding Gown, and some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else
+    it would have no grace.</p>
+    <p>Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and prosperity upon
+    their journy, &amp; so do I.</p>
+    <p>But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young woman
+    begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the World turns
+    topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she shall vomit her very <a
+    name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a>heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take her
+    off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he knows not which
+    way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might give all that he's worth in the
+    World to be at a good Inn. And she poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look
+    as if he had bepist himself, &amp; though he sighs and laments excessively she hears
+    him not; which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear the
+    hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning to decline, she
+    recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space softly forwards; the good man
+    thinking with himself how he shall do to get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she
+    may there rest her distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very
+    softly forwards, to get to the end of their journy.</p>
+    <p>Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of marriage, this is
+    but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me thinks I see the Steeple, we shall
+    be there presently; the little trouble and grief you have had, will make the
+    salutations you receive, and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter.
+    And these dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your
+    stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of filthy and
+    slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse then your <a name="Page_40"
+    id="Page_40"></a>appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you: The good
+    Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall first whet his knife, and
+    where he thinks his poor wearied wife will receive the best entertainment and
+    caresses, to drive out of her imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her
+    journy; which will the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the
+    rarities of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the more,
+    because every one will be wishing the new married couple much joy, receiving them
+    kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and civilities: which I assure you is
+    no small matter of mirth.</p>
+    <p>But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to speak of
+    removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he will of travelling by
+    horseback, she is struck on that ear with an incurable deafness.</p>
+    <p>They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go along with them,
+    or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither would it be respect enough for
+    them in the presence of so many good friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come
+    to take them up at the dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks
+    for th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish the young
+    couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further attend them upon their <a
+    name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a>journy, &amp;c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and
+    away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the liveless
+    stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the flight with his Proserpina
+    through the City.</p>
+    <p>But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth will stand
+    you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an eye in his head, but must
+    needs see, that if he tarry out long, this must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet
+    nevertheless I confess you must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness
+    with your new wife.</p>
+    <p>These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you must not so
+    much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from home, though in the mean
+    while all things there is going also the ready way to destruction; for it is the
+    fashion, at such times, that maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act
+    their own parts; and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep
+    open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the neighbours
+    when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them was no thought of care or
+    sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted and domineer'd so that the whole
+    neighbourhood rung with it; and how they have played their parts either with some
+    dried Baker, pricklouse Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42"></a>Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan
+    prepared; and if there be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the
+    Cellar be lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices to
+    juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that their inventions
+    surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the Author of the English Rogue; of
+    which I could insert a vast number, but fear that it would occasion an ill example to
+    the unlearned in that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both
+    men &amp; maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience hereof
+    sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been eased of that heavy
+    burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the whole World.</p>
+    <p>These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but if they were
+    of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved of to be curable, or a
+    remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of what state and condition they will,
+    every one feels the damage and inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is
+    outwardly visible unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or
+    other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, whether Counsellor,
+    Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects his Clients Suit, the other his
+    Patients, the third his Negotiation &amp; Trade, and the fourth his<a name="Page_43"
+    id="Page_43"></a> Customers; none of them all oft-times knowing from whence it arises
+    that their first years gain is so inconsiderable. For above the continual running on
+    of house-rent, the neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume
+    your self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and uneasiness
+    that you suffer to please and complaite your new married Mistris. O miserable
+    pleasure!</p>
+    <p>But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as soon as you
+    return home again; if you only observe the motions of your wife, for whose pleasure
+    and felicity you have been so long from home. Alas she is so wearied and tired with
+    tumbling and travelling up &amp; down, that she complains as if her back were broke,
+    and it is impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and then
+    neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared suitable to her
+    appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to be prepared and made ready, the
+    husband must take care and give order for the doing of it; the good woman being yet
+    so weary, that she cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk
+    about her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the
+    troublesomness of the journy.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and laughing at one
+    another, doing just what they list, and wishing that their<a name="Page_44"
+    id="Page_44"></a> Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to
+    have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by stealth, they make as
+    bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he had the eyes of <i>Argolus</i> can
+    attrap them; for if by chance you should perceive any thing, they will find one
+    excuse or another to delude you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the
+    good man is easily pacified and satisfied for that time.</p>
+    <p>And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of a Maid,
+    that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, getting her by that means
+    upon her side: in such cases you'l generally see two maids where one might serve, or
+    else a Chair-woman; the one to do all the course work, the other to run of errands
+    and lend a helping hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be
+    set in order; &amp; she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.</p>
+    <p>And because Peggy &amp; her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a Jack in
+    a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take her rest the better; for
+    she hath caretakers enough about the house. And if the husband, coming from the
+    Change or other important affair, seems to be any waies discontented, that all things
+    lies stragling about the house, &amp; are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy
+    finds a fit expedient for it with complaining that her<a name="Page_45"
+    id="Page_45"></a> Mistris hath had such an insufferable pain in her head and in her
+    belly, that it was beyond imagination; &amp; also she could get no ease for her,
+    unless she had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this is
+    the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have been.</p>
+    <p>Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to speak with his
+    wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer is, prithee Sweetheart, don't
+    you trouble your self with those things, leave that to me, I'l manage that to the
+    best advantage; men have no understanding about house-keeping; &amp; it is most
+    proper for a woman to have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there
+    be now and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of so
+    small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.</p>
+    <p>Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give him full
+    satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all things at a distance; yet
+    the maids behind his back, that their Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call
+    him, a Tom <i>Peep in the pot</i>, or <i>Goodman busiebody</i>. And before dinner is
+    fully done, he must hear <i>Peg</i> asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please
+    forsooth, to go by and by and give Mistris <i>Moody</i> a visit, or discourse a
+    little with Madam Elenor? As long as you <a name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></a>have
+    nothing to do, what need you ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that
+    the North Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily. Madam
+    <i>Elenor</i> will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that she will relate
+    unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a drift, and away she goes with
+    <i>Peg</i> out of dores. Let it go then as it will with the house keeping.</p>
+    <p>This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies agree so
+    lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out of Town to please his
+    wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure enough by her old acquaintance sweet
+    Mistris <i>Moody</i>, and courteous Madam <i>Elenor</i>.</p>
+    <p>Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles there are in
+    the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may think then what the middle and
+    end must be.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate04.png"><img src="images/plate04_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 4" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 52.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a>THE FOURTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her barrenness, and
+    takes Physick for it</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/v.png" alt="V" class="figleft" />erily it is a great pleasure
+    for the new married couple, that they have been up and down taking their pleasure,
+    and have been feasted by all their acquaintance.</p>
+    <p>Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of what friends
+    and relations each other hath; and seen also the great difference there is in the
+    ornaments, neatness, manners and deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the
+    <i>Hills</i>, <i>Dales</i> and <i>Meadows</i> lie, with their silver streaming
+    Brooks; but most particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be
+    treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the weakness and
+    vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who possess it, at last conclude
+    it burthensom, and have a longing desire to be at <a name="Page_48"
+    id="Page_48"></a>home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their own
+    Tables.</p>
+    <p>Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man hath been
+    long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all such idle expences, and
+    be again carefully looking after his affairs and vocation. Now he begins to hope that
+    all things will come into a handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife
+    will, having had her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of
+    pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some care for the
+    concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out so, to the great joy,
+    profit, and tranquility of the good man.</p>
+    <p>But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, without
+    some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will beleeve that, then you
+    may well think the whole state and term of your marriage to be a Paradice upon earth;
+    and that you have already got footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures
+    and contentments: Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better
+    understanding of further pleasures.</p>
+    <p>For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to complain,
+    that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life; that it appears very
+    strange and odly to her to converse with a new Maid, by reason she must <a
+    name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a>be telling her this thing, and commanding her the
+    t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are things that she before
+    never used to trouble her self with; and that it is such a trouble to her to be out
+    of her Parents house, in a strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so
+    high, that the good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these
+    foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle her frivolous
+    humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her tears with no small number of
+    kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't. And if this all falls out well, before six
+    weeks are at an end, there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this
+    splendant Sunshine.</p>
+    <p>For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape acquaintance,
+    and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which increaseth from day to day more
+    and more; nay oftentimes it comes to that height, she's better to be found among her
+    neighbours, then at home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with
+    her child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres <i>Breedwell</i> making
+    ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together. Yonder Mistris
+    <i>Maudlen</i> complains that she doth not prove with child; &amp; then Mistres
+    <i>Young-at-it</i> brags how nearly she could reckon from the very bed-side. Oh then
+    she thinks I have been married this three <a name="Page_50" id="Page_50"></a>months,
+    and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still as if I were yet a maid:
+    What certainly should be the reason thereof?</p>
+    <p>This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the brain-pan and
+    imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not understand his Py-work well!
+    Then to the end she may hear the better how things goes; she inquires very earnestly
+    amongst her acquaintance what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most
+    shamlesly relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the curtains,
+    or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she may hear whether her
+    husband understands his work well, and whether he doth it well, and oft enough; and
+    also whether he be fully fit for the employ, &amp;c. for the verification whereof the
+    Councel of women bring so many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much
+    more to speak of them.</p>
+    <p>Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their advice: And
+    the best sort will at the least say to her, I would oftentimes treat my husband with
+    such sort of spices as were good for my self, <i>viz.</i> Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs,
+    sweet breads, Lam-stones, Caveer, &amp;c. and counsell him every morning to go to the
+    Coffe-house and drink some Chocolate; &amp; above all things advise him to desist
+    from Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling for the
+    kidneys. And then<a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a> I would many times my self by
+    dallying with him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;
+    whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor want of desire
+    that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess, that you had sufficiently
+    done your indeavour.</p>
+    <p>Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy man, who art
+    now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws at your Table; and have free
+    leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which other women grumble and mumble at. And
+    besides all this, you find that your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel,
+    and shews you a thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to
+    express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the morning, pray
+    Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very great pleasures.</p>
+    <p>But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain in the old
+    posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her husband; vaunting much of her own
+    fitness, and not a little suspecting her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler,
+    a dry-boots, and a good man Do-little, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never so much
+    indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from the reasons and
+    examples given by several <a name="Page_52" id="Page_52"></a>learned Doctors;
+    Culpepper; the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance that
+    he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still complains, I must have a
+    Child, or else I shall run distracted.</p>
+    <p>And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her brains, that
+    the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that she's no sooner risen from
+    her bed or from the Table, but immediately she goeth a gadding amongst the
+    neighbours; and takes other peoples children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of
+    them so unmeasurably, as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth
+    more simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have done. By which
+    means the children have many times as great an affection for their neighbour, as they
+    have for their own Father and Mother.</p>
+    <p>This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her husband: But when
+    he begins to consider, that his wife by this means knows how to handle, and make much
+    of children; and then again, that she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must
+    of necessity be no less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest
+    she is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is freed from the
+    curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a child. For she's no sooner within
+    the dores, but she talks of her neighbours <a name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></a>child,
+    and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in the World that she had such a one
+    too; which continues alwaies so long, that finally she bursts out into the like
+    former frenzy against her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I
+    shall run distracted.</p>
+    <p>But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no means or way how
+    to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best himself to take th'advice of
+    Doctor, and most especially with that French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill
+    of making many men and women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive
+    children: Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a
+    daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very necessary that the good
+    woman her self consult with some experienced Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the
+    end, that those distempers which are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better
+    removed and taken away.</p>
+    <p>To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought together, as
+    would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to work they go with smearing,
+    anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith (as they term it) the good woman is to be
+    made fresh and fit; but they make the bed and whole house so full of stink and
+    vapours, that it may be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other
+    parts of <a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a>the body; then to open those that were
+    stopt and caused Distempers.</p>
+    <p>But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the
+    good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her husband doth out of the
+    Oister and Eg-shels.</p>
+    <p>And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head next? What
+    shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon all the ways and means
+    possible to entertain her to content. If she will have costly things, he will buy
+    them for her; and dissimulately saith that all what she practiseth for her content,
+    is his only pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times in
+    several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen to be very suitable
+    with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no wise contradict her, for he fears
+    that she will presently be at variance with him again: And thinks in the interim,
+    whilest her mind hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a
+    child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may crown his earnest
+    desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him that he dares not anger her or
+    give her a sour countenance; fearing that if she might have conceived, that would be
+    the means of turning the tide.</p>
+    <p>To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife is well
+    satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is very hard <a
+    name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a>to be practised, so long as she is not with
+    child.</p>
+    <p>But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to hit that mark!
+    How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand in his Almanack, as if it were
+    printed with a red Letter! Well young people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at
+    last to the satisfaction of the Master.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a>THE FIFTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The young Woman proves with Child, and longs.</i></h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/t.png" alt="T" class="figleft" />he old Proverb tels us, that
+    after the sour comes the sweet; and I find, jolly couple, that it is so with you
+    also; for I hear finally that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is
+    that! Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath been to some
+    purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made for some good effects.</p>
+    <p>How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an
+    experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, for fear the least
+    accident might turn the tide with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or
+    some other sad mishap; and a mischance is worse for her than a true Child-bearing;
+    for that weakens nature abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad
+    consequences, &amp; Thus the women talk.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate05.png"><img src="images/plate05_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 5" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 85.<br />
+     Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a> But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved
+    your self so gallantly; continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour.
+    Look not at any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain the
+    principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must suffer much, and see
+    through a perspective glass all things at a distance; because you never before saw
+    your wife in so gallant a state and condition as she now is in; and therefore you
+    must cherish and preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her
+    often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maid-servants; nay,
+    though it were with your own self, you must pass it by, not concerning your self at
+    it; and imagine that you do it for the respect you bear your wife, but not by
+    constraint; for it is common with big-bellied women to do so.</p>
+    <p>But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and groaning happen
+    only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid it, or divertise your self with
+    other company. Yet by night generally shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore
+    be sure to provide your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good
+    sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often
+    happen that when you are in your best and first Sleep, that your dearest wil waken
+    you and complain of pain at her heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all
+    what is in the house must be <a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a>stirring, and you
+    your self also, though it be never so cold, out of the bed you must with all the
+    speed possible. Comfort your self herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which
+    you got with your wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.</p>
+    <p>Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are invited with
+    her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the Table shall be presented to
+    the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or have a desire to any thing; immediately
+    every one that observes it, are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were
+    never so little in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else
+    should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good woman is so ill
+    and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the Table, and falls from one
+    faintness into another; which for civilities sake, is then baptized, that she hath
+    sat too high or been throng'd, or that the room being so full, the breath of the
+    people offended her.</p>
+    <p>And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for the most
+    part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom knows her self what she
+    will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it tends to some thing or other that is
+    delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in
+    till she is sick with it; and if any one looks <a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a>but
+    very wishly at her; immediately another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay
+    perhaps for three.</p>
+    <p>And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; but is
+    thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure her sowing cushion upon
+    her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for fear the child thereby might receive
+    some hindrance and an heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to
+    that end an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this and
+    then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband without a wife, and the
+    family without a mistris.</p>
+    <p>Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is generally with all
+    things that are too frequently used) then she will be for spurring you up to walk
+    abroad with her, that she may get all sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the
+    season of the year affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with
+    sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad to spend much,
+    and at home neglect more.</p>
+    <p>If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her
+    life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man
+    absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and
+    they are so deep in the Country <a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a>that there is
+    somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.</p>
+    <p>And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat to be had;
+    but if there should be one, then you must be subject to humour the churlish Ferry
+    man, who seeing the necessity of the occasion, and that you are able to pay for it,
+    will have what price he pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to
+    hazard it, because many women are very fearfull upon the water.</p>
+    <p>But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found to please
+    your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your self jocund herewith, to
+    the end that other troubles may not so much molest and disturb you.</p>
+    <p>You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to be a little
+    big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all what she hath a mind to
+    &amp; that is called Longing. And what husband can be so stern or barbarous that he
+    will deny his wife at such a time what she longs for? especially if it be a true love
+    of a woman, you must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child
+    would have some hindrance by it.</p>
+    <p>Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and prevent this,
+    you must observe, that all women when they are with child, do fall commonly from one
+    longing to <a name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></a>another: And then the providing and
+    buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to you as it is to them in the
+    receiving and use of it; and that not alone for theirs, but your childs sake also.
+    And truly he that will or cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy,
+    because he shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.</p>
+    <p>It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their
+    imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, then they
+    long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine
+    and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must
+    have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full
+    satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some great Peaches and
+    Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose
+    her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.</p>
+    <p>If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again;
+    for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague
+    in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her
+    a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or
+    Russetings, the next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall
+    nuts and<a name="Page_62" id="Page_62"></a> Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what
+    you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will,
+    or cost what it will.</p>
+    <p>And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness
+    of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superfluities pour down
+    upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once
+    be rid of these terrible charges and great expence.</p>
+    <p>But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other
+    new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing desire to. And if it be in the
+    Winter, then they long for juicy Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts;
+    then for Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a
+    thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing
+    imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable,
+    but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who
+    simply imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and t'other
+    dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and
+    those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and
+    hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a
+    Greengoose or young Chickens; which in some places are <a name="Page_63"
+    id="Page_63"></a>very hard to be got, and not without paying excessive dear for
+    them.</p>
+    <p>This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will
+    serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it
+    rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so
+    dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears,
+    Gingerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
+    can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an
+    appetite prepared for it?</p>
+    <p>Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of
+    sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and
+    overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, &amp; manytimes other
+    lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently
+    fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or
+    some other Physick taken for it.</p>
+    <p>But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing
+    liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she
+    hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the
+    Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives
+    her <a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a>good comfort; and orders her to take only some
+    of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with
+    sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with
+    this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or
+    Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly
+    lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with
+    either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the
+    second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be
+    sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that
+    strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then
+    that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the
+    suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such
+    pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to
+    remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an
+    operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an
+    antipathy, by the Patient.</p>
+    <p>Thus you may see, approaching Father, how <a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a>you
+    are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name
+    renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and
+    pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the
+    most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all
+    sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, &amp; a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most
+    acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six
+    months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when
+    Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts &amp; Grapes, are in season. And there is
+    no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of
+    them as she her self doth.</p>
+    <p>Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great
+    Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes
+    at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and
+    will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that
+    the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to
+    be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a
+    lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></a>But comfort your self herewith; that the
+    medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation,
+    that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely
+    admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner
+    too late to repent of.</p>
+    <p>Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right
+    road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and
+    beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not
+    only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable.
+    And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate06.png"><img src="images/plate06_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 6" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 102.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a>THE SIXTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife
+    and Nurse.</i></h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/i.png" alt="I" class="figleft" />n good truth it is very
+    pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it
+    rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and
+    every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great
+    pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her
+    reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the
+    Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that
+    a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff
+    unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it
+    oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no
+    collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a>And the greatest joy is, that you have now so
+    hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a <i>Dry-boots</i>, or
+    a <i>John Cannot</i>; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for
+    quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have
+    no witnesse for your vindication.</p>
+    <p>You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name
+    of <i>Dad</i> &amp; <i>Pappa</i>; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as
+    the name of <i>Bridegroom</i> was before.</p>
+    <p>O how happy you are! &amp; what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you!
+    how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very
+    weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what
+    imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well!
+    Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much
+    stronger, and increaseth the affections.</p>
+    <p>Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that
+    you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of
+    marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to
+    her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that
+    there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides
+    <a name="Page_69" id="Page_69"></a>her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must
+    let it alone till another time.</p>
+    <p>Do you your self but observe, &amp; you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so
+    much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone,
+    is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts
+    of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are
+    dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to
+    speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon
+    that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but
+    deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither
+    for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they
+    presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so
+    full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before
+    any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies
+    such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the
+    maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first
+    word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally
+    preach out of, and make longest sermons in.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a>But methinks, I should happen to fall here from
+    the Mistris upon the Maid.</p>
+    <p>To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with <i>Jane</i> the
+    Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen
+    as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts,
+    shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the
+    ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to
+    school to learn casting of an account.</p>
+    <p>Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof
+    will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three
+    pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And
+    you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for,
+    by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now
+    possess.</p>
+    <p>Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind;
+    who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes.
+    O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be
+    for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she
+    wishes that it were made.</p>
+    <p>But this requires some time: and then you'l <a name="Page_71"
+    id="Page_71"></a>have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the
+    semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories,
+    till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.</p>
+    <p>Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her
+    very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once
+    obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a
+    Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life
+    of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.</p>
+    <p>Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if
+    she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she
+    shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull
+    wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she
+    hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the
+    number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases
+    her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third
+    is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine.
+    To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman
+    <a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a>hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help
+    her to chuse the best.</p>
+    <p>And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having
+    already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and
+    other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; &amp; she
+    is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other,
+    and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a
+    third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another
+    drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner
+    with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very
+    handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good
+    woman, which is a matter of no small weight.</p>
+    <p>Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very
+    well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day
+    is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily,
+    although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day
+    from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that
+    nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is <a
+    name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a>concerned for this above all other things
+    whatsoever!</p>
+    <p>And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds
+    her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do
+    or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle,
+    with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long
+    neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again
+    there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a
+    Caudle-cup, &amp;c. that of necessity must be bought &amp; used at the lying-in,
+    &amp; Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow
+    mouldy for want of being turned too &amp; again.</p>
+    <p>Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these
+    ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for
+    the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains,
+    Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of
+    the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in,
+    then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every
+    hole and corner.</p>
+    <p>These things do so excessively trouble her <a name="Page_74"
+    id="Page_74"></a>brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else,
+    yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest
+    insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she
+    happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her
+    very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so
+    vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed
+    to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such
+    sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick
+    that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man,
+    that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with
+    so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these
+    finical humours.</p>
+    <p>But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great
+    commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest
+    relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that
+    y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with
+    great respect &amp; reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your
+    first-born childs God-fathers, and <a name="Page_75" id="Page_75"></a>others to be
+    God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with
+    several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above
+    others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.</p>
+    <p>Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the
+    trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you
+    have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as
+    you did before with your Bridemen) &amp; chuse &amp; taste out some of the most
+    delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the
+    Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for
+    Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a
+    visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing
+    of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.</p>
+    <p>Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a>THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Woman falls in Labour</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/b.png" alt="B" class="figleft" />ehold, young couple, hitherto
+    a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and
+    Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or
+    unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six
+    Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth
+    Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to
+    look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the
+    Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.</p>
+    <p>But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she
+    was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon
+    it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being
+    the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as
+    the Trade goes forwards.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate07.png"><img src="images/plate07_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 7" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 116.<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a>There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is
+    there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the
+    Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of
+    them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the
+    house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found?
+    Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked,
+    having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing
+    upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all
+    possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she
+    cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids
+    fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it
+    her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.</p>
+    <p>Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for
+    who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a
+    question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid
+    alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at the <a name="Page_78"
+    id="Page_78"></a>t'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good
+    woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced
+    Midwife).</p>
+    <p>Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of
+    some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the
+    hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps
+    she might be fetcht out to some other place, from whence she could not come. And if
+    it should happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this Midwife, or
+    else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take any of the other, for the
+    reasons afore mentioned.</p>
+    <p>But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, vex, and fret
+    her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in labour, turns against her
+    stomack, and there is no hopes further for that time.</p>
+    <p>But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the best; rather
+    think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto you, if your wife, thus
+    soon, come to be safely delivered of a hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place,
+    you will be freed from all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing
+    of the grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your self did
+    expect you should have been.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a>Be not discomforted although she doth thus
+    unexpectedly force you out of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see
+    there's great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love your
+    wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is also commonly the
+    worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very first you happen to meet with this
+    prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &amp; do bring her to your longing-for dearly
+    beloved Wife; yet nevertheless you may assure your self, that before you can arrive
+    to have the full scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:
+    For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all things that must be
+    fetcht, brought and carried to and again; therefore of necessity the friends must be
+    fetcht with all the speed imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and
+    several familiar good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come
+    to her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them very
+    ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be
+    no small affront.</p>
+    <p>It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards would not come
+    to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brothers wife had
+    notice given her of the Child-bearing before her self; little considering how few
+    people the young people had in the <a name="Page_80" id="Page_80"></a>night to assist
+    them; or that the confusion and unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not
+    think of such a method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen
+    between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed the
+    intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little doth the good
+    man know that he is now first come into that noble School &amp; herein his patience
+    shall be effectually exercised or that this is but the first year of trying the same!
+    O how happy are they that are well instructed in it.</p>
+    <p>Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there not yet
+    wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor Drone, how he moves too
+    &amp; fro! see what a loss and tostication he is in! he tramples his hat under his
+    feet, pulls the hair off his head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help
+    his dear Wife; and the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he
+    expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up
+    before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of another, though they
+    be all near relations and friends.</p>
+    <p>Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. Womens assistance
+    is at this present most requisite, and a good Stierman <a name="Page_81"
+    id="Page_81"></a>at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first backwards
+    then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath the keys of all the
+    Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool gathering, that, let him do what he
+    will, he can find no sort of those things he most stands in need of.</p>
+    <p>Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not think to
+    come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are not here wanting that are
+    most useful at this occasion; and the Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's
+    hoarse again! here's both the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And
+    Mistris <i>Perfect</i> hath them both, but they are lent out.</p>
+    <p>Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of breath, to
+    desire to borrow them of Mistris <i>Buy-all</i>. And she's hardly gotten out of
+    dores, before they perceive that the warming pan is yet to be bought; and that that's
+    worst of all, is, that all the Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd;
+    oftentimes it happens that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable
+    condition is this!</p>
+    <p>Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were this the
+    greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all the womens countenances
+    looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each other, one <a name="Page_82"
+    id="Page_82"></a>beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great alteration
+    in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so desperate, that the fear is,
+    either the mother or the child, or perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever
+    the Doctor hath prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the
+    very girdle of Saint <i>Francis</i> can work here no miracle.</p>
+    <p>Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this come by
+    marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve that it is very
+    pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the Child-bearing hath no delight at all in
+    it. Oh I am affraid, if there come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not
+    be able to undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.</p>
+    <p>'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband and the
+    wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women beside; for they all cry that
+    the tears run streaming down their cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt
+    wine, can any waies refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding
+    the sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.</p>
+    <p>But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us five pounds
+    worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would make every one of our hearts
+    a hundred <a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a>pound lighter, and the great Caudle
+    Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.</p>
+    <p>Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you shall be
+    presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a>THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Womans brought to bed</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/h.png" alt="H" class="figleft" />a boys! after all the toiling,
+    the happy hour is at last arrived, that the good Woman, finally is delivered &amp;
+    brought to bed: well this is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other;
+    for the good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.</p>
+    <p>Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is so overjoyed
+    that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out immediately to give notice of it to
+    all the friends and acquaintance; thinking to himself that every body else will be as
+    jocund and merry at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what
+    earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great Caudle Skillet
+    may be in a readiness!</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate08.png"><img src="images/plate08_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 8" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 127<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a>What a pleasure is it for him that he sees
+    Mistris <i>Do-all</i> attending the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds
+    and other Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris
+    <i>Swift-hand</i> &amp; Mistris <i>Fair-arse</i> are tumbling all things topsie-turvy
+    forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those things that are most necessary
+    for the Child; but little doth he think that they do it more to be peeping into every
+    hole and corner, and to have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of
+    needfull assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any where
+    a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a rent in it: for one
+    or another of them will with grinning and laughing thrust her finger through it, and
+    then shew it to the rest, taking also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when
+    they are a little at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much
+    admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if she were a
+    greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them else when to the contrary, if
+    you should by accident come into any of their Garrets, when the linnen is just come
+    home from washing you would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might
+    very well imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are
+    Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &amp; torn, and a
+    third full of mildew.</p>
+    <p>Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook and corner,
+    they <a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a>finally get the Child swathled: And then to
+    the great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the Midwife, with
+    this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred years old, <i>Father, see
+    there is your Child, God give you much joy with it, or take it speedily into his
+    bliss.</i></p>
+    <p>Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is this again! see
+    him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat in his arms. O what a delicate
+    pretty condition he's now in!</p>
+    <p>Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical possession of
+    his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be a good present for you, when
+    he gives it you back again. 'Tis no wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a
+    thousand pound richer then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l
+    find a Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.</p>
+    <p>Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum trankums are
+    laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain the friends, who not alone
+    for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see
+    what is prepared for them. And I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it,
+    yet there will be one or another of them that will be discommending something, and
+    brag that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one that seems
+    not fully to <a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a>beleeve her, immediately she cites
+    two or three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise and
+    commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have
+    better judgement than they? This is then a discourse for at least three hours, for
+    they are all of them so well verst in the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to
+    get a turn to speak before the other.</p>
+    <p>But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out of all their
+    prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill that hath received all the
+    Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, Lam-stones, and many other such like
+    things, for they have found by experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very
+    much the kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M<sup>rs</sup>.
+    <i>Luxury</i> it is very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither,
+    and I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the soucing out.
+    And this discourse then is held up with such an earnestness, and continues so long,
+    that the Child-bed woman almost gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one
+    swooning into another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon
+    her.</p>
+    <p>Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath busied
+    himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now and then admitted to
+    cast in his verdict; <a name="Page_88" id="Page_88"></a>otherwise, let them talk as
+    long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them audience. But it is
+    much better for him, if, according as the occasion gives opportunity, there be now
+    and then spoken something concerning the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the
+    sheets, which is seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the
+    Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her sences, to
+    hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a back-Chamber, or in an Ally,
+    or some other by-place; and she is just now no where else to be found but at t'other
+    end of the City, there keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.</p>
+    <p>Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other
+    must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal right to her. And the Nurse,
+    finding that each of them so much desires her, thinks no small matter of her self,
+    but that she is as wise as many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow
+    is hardly to be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to
+    be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do what they will
+    or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable
+    Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here again, the Nurse is so <a name="Page_89"
+    id="Page_89"></a>quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her Mistres, therefore care
+    must be taken to find out some body or other that will come and suck the young womans
+    breasts for twelve pence a time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and
+    fester for want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the
+    tipples.</p>
+    <p>Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, and bring
+    Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven away; and most
+    especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good
+    M<sup>r</sup>. Doctor, for if this continue much longer, the young woman perhaps gets
+    an Ague that may then cost her her life.</p>
+    <p>Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure to be
+    found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now so liquorish and
+    sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in deed is very good at all times,
+    but most especially in this pittifull time for there's now nothing fitter for her to
+    eat then a little good broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or
+    new laid Egs.</p>
+    <p>But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it will not be
+    long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come to give you a visit, who
+    will then also out of their Closets of understanding be very much <a name="Page_90"
+    id="Page_90"></a>assistant to you with their advice and counsel for there are very
+    few of them that are not deeply experienced in Sir <i>Thomas Browns</i> Mid-wivery,
+    and if any thing do happen more then ordinary, they never want for remedies.</p>
+    <p>Now there is Doctor <i>Needhams</i> wife, who by her own experimenting, hath
+    knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as this, there is
+    nothing better then that the child must be glister'd; and for the lumps you must
+    indevour through a continual chafing to get them out of the young womans breasts. But
+    Mistris <i>Rattle-pate</i> relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in
+    her breast, when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by only
+    taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a
+    hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least
+    fear of danger.</p>
+    <p>Yes truly, saith Mrs <i>Talk-enough</i>, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that that is
+    very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to be chop'd; and there
+    must be a special care taken for that; therefore it will not be amiss to strengthen
+    the nipples with a little <i>Aqua vit&aelig;</i>, and then wash them with some
+    Rosewater that hath kernels of Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or
+    better, I have lain in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so
+    much good, or gave me half the ease.<a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a> Pray, dear
+    Mistris, be sure to make use of that, you will never repent it.</p>
+    <p>But Mistris <i>Know-all</i> saith, that she hath made use of this also, and found
+    some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other things, that were
+    approved to be good; yet of all things never found nothing under the Sun that was
+    more noble then <i>Salvator Winter's</i> Salve, for that cures immediately: And you
+    can have nothing better.</p>
+    <p>Yet Mistris <i>Stand to't</i>, begins to relate wonderfull operations done with
+    oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the Gentlewoman in Py-yard.</p>
+    <p>Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a secret from a
+    prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can the vertue thereof be too
+    much commended. And she hath already communicated it unto several persons; but there
+    are none that tried it who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath
+    been very vigilant to note it down in S. <i>John Pain</i>, and <i>Nic-Culpeppers</i>
+    Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but participate it
+    to others: This is, <i>Lapis Calaminaris</i> prepared, mingled with a small quantity
+    of May-butter, and then temper them together with the point of a knife upon an
+    earthen plate, just as the Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which
+    will bring it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft <a name="Page_92"
+    id="Page_92"></a>and supple for the chops of the tipples; nay, though the child
+    should suck it in, yet it doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but
+    prevents the coming of any more.</p>
+    <p>Yes, saith Mistris <i>Consent to all</i>, and my advice is then to take a little
+    horn, with a sheeps udder, &amp; lay that upon the Tipples, for that defends them,
+    and occasions their curing much better and sooner.</p>
+    <p>O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so many prudent
+    Doctresses! If <i>Clement Marot</i> might but revive, I am sure he would find here as
+    many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors at Paris. But O how happy will this
+    fortunate new Father be, when he may but once see the back-sides of all these grave
+    and nice Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of the
+    most accomplished Pleasures.</p>
+    <p>But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these remedies may be
+    good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our turns; for alas a day, the very
+    smell of salve makes her fall into a swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion
+    of sucking, for the very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to
+    keep a Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for Wet-Nurses are
+    generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever chatting and chawing something
+    or other with the Maids; and in their <a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a>manner they
+    baptize it, with saying it is very necessary &amp; wholesom for the Child. And then
+    again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath also several considerations; first it
+    estrangeth much from you, and who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is
+    best to keep it at home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding
+    it often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now and then
+    giving it the sucking bottle.</p>
+    <p>But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the Grandmother, Nurse,
+    and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's lost. And the Child is so froward
+    and peevish, that the Nurse is ready to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and
+    play with it alwaies till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so
+    much that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to <i>Limbo</i>. For
+    this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a good one hath its
+    consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind love that the Mother hath for her
+    Child can no way suffer this, she will rather suck it her self though the pain be
+    never so great. Yet having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that
+    it is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at quiet till
+    there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes to the very heart of both
+    Father and Mother to put the Child out to Nurse.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></a>And do but see after much seeking and diligent
+    inquiring, the new made Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat
+    cleanly and mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the
+    <i>East-Indies</i>, &amp; her child died lately.</p>
+    <p>This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new Father, and
+    Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now all things will go well;
+    for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child; the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, &amp;
+    all this pleases the good Father very well.</p>
+    <p>Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that you may
+    recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of sucking, or disturbed of
+    your natural rest: now you must let the Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look
+    after or meddle with nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and
+    groan lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to be weak
+    and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in must be kept full out.
+    Do but think now by your self what you have a mind either to eat, or drink; the first
+    and worst daies are with the tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you
+    recover any strength with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new
+    laid Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a <a name="Page_95"
+    id="Page_95"></a>diet for you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have
+    a more strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted Pullet,
+    half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a
+    piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young Turky, &amp;c. And whilest you are eating,
+    you must be sure to drink two or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well
+    sweetned with the finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any
+    French wine, for that will too much inflame you.</p>
+    <p>O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and especially,
+    because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink again with your Child-bed
+    wife; and you begin also to perceive that if all things advance as they hitherto have
+    done, you may then again in few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing
+    her.</p>
+    <p>This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so pleasantly of;
+    because it learns them alwaies such a curious remembrance. And really it is almost
+    impossible that the husband at these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well
+    as his wife sits to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive
+    and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife may eat with a
+    better appetite, and recover new strength again. I would therefore advise the
+    carefull Nurse as a friend, that <a name="Page_96" id="Page_96"></a>she should be
+    sure to provide her self with the <i>Compleat Cook</i>, that she might be the more
+    ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what she hath a mind to have made
+    ready, for her brains are but very weak yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily
+    remember at first what is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.</p>
+    <p>O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and carefull
+    Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this! And behold, by this
+    delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins from day to day to grow stronger
+    and stronger; insomuch that she begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to
+    be desirous of coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out
+    of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and main Pleasure.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate09.png"><img src="images/plate09_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 9" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 141.<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></a>THE NINTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Of the Gossips Feast</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/n.png" alt="N" class="figleft" />ow, O new Father, you have had
+    the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some
+    purpose.</p>
+    <p>But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so many joyfull
+    delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first and most famous hath been; for
+    it seems as if your Child-bed wife begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life,
+    and to leave off her grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up
+    and down the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.</p>
+    <p>But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips Feast kept.
+    To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious Counsel held, as if the
+    Parliament of women were assembled, to consult who shall be invited, and who not. 's
+    Wounds, what a list of relations and strange acquaintance are here sum'd <a
+    name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a>up in a company together, to be invited to the
+    Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can ever do this all in one day; because
+    she would not willingly miss any of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the
+    Presents she expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them
+    that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and her Child. I
+    wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the Office of an Inviter to all
+    such sort of Gossippings, but the women understand these affairs and the ordering of
+    such sort of invitations much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not
+    necessary.</p>
+    <p>O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing
+    this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity
+    have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I assure you I would order
+    the Nurse to desire Doctor <i>Toss-bowl</i>, my Lord <i>Drinkfirst</i> and then the
+    other Gentlemen, to wit, Masters <i>Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up,
+    Seldom-sober</i>, and <i>Shift-gut</i>, to fetch home their Wives in good time from
+    the Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near relations, that
+    you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going
+    home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with
+    a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a<a name="Page_99"
+    id="Page_99"></a> Child-bed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once
+    arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may
+    e'en clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.</p>
+    <p>Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no sooner have
+    made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and
+    pricking of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted
+    guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and
+    corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for
+    Mistris <i>Foul-arse</i>, Gossip <i>Order-all</i>, and Goody <i>Dirty-buttocks</i>,
+    will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth,
+    according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary
+    Chamber, with a Letter to <i>Gravesend</i>, only to take an inspection whether it be
+    as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And
+    'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders
+    webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good colour,
+    equal-size and thickness.</p>
+    <p>But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these incumbrances, the time
+    will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprized by our
+    Guests. Uds life, how busie the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with <a name="Page_100"
+    id="Page_100"></a>dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O
+    pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what
+    would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt
+    any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and all the
+    friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do confirm it: For behold,
+    every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness.
+    One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like
+    another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline
+    very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who
+    forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me,
+    what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have drest it up most curiously! And truly
+    there's no cost spar'd for the having very rich laces.</p>
+    <p>Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed woman begins to
+    enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she had to fetch this Child out of
+    the Parsly-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her
+    acquaintance, &amp;c. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a
+    long-winded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the
+    good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a <a name="Page_101"
+    id="Page_101"></a>one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her
+    churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband
+    was not half so hot.</p>
+    <p>Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more
+    about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor <i>Nicholas None-eys</i> how he
+    rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly
+    trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bed-side! O what a
+    pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack
+    and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality,
+    sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast
+    expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for them of his
+    Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their
+    mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they
+    resolve not to flinch from it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole
+    estate richer then he was before; and what need he care for it then.</p>
+    <p>Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm;
+    and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own
+    Commodities.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a>O how happy would you be, O Goodman
+    <i>Cully</i>, if you had but as many ears as <i>Argus</i> had eys, that you might
+    hear every where, whilest you are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet
+    stories and discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
+    <i>Sharp-set</i> relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to keep
+    School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had feasted their carkasses
+    well: but that conning of her lesson had caused her severall times to make a journy
+    to the Parsly-bed.</p>
+    <p>At this Mistris <i>Sincere</i> wonders extreamly; saying how strangely these
+    things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish there is a married woman
+    brought to bed, but she was so miserably handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can
+    express it. Insomuch that Master <i>Peepin</i> the Man Midwife, was fain to be
+    fetcht, to assist with his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever
+    escaped it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed to be
+    placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.</p>
+    <p>In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris <i>Fairtail</i>
+    relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously stitcht up by their Tailor;
+    and how she was every foot running thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she
+    had torn in her Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
+    then again to have her stockins soled.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a>It is no wonder, (saith Mistres
+    <i>Paleface</i>) that this should happen to a poor innocent servant Maid; there was
+    my husbands first wives niece M<sup>rs</sup>. <i>Young-rose</i> that modest Virgin,
+    she kept such a close conversation &amp; daily communication with Master
+    <i>Scure</i>, that at last there appeared a little <i>Cupid</i> with little ears, and
+    short hair.</p>
+    <p>Nay then (saith Mistris <i>Lookabout</i>) those two sisters need not twit one
+    another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet compliance and
+    converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the corner-house, where she did eat so
+    many China Oranges, and other watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an
+    extraordinary swelling under her stomack; which Doctor <i>Stultus</i> judged to
+    proceed from some obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not
+    continue so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of her
+    distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.</p>
+    <p>Mistris <i>Lookabout</i> was going to begin again; but they heard such rapping and
+    knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve there are our husbands; and
+    indeed she guest very well. This augmented their mirth mightily. And especially of
+    the Nurse; for now she was sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his
+    Gossips nobly and liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat
+    your self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon Companion,
+    who being <a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a>at a Gossipping Feast, called the
+    Nurse alone to him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take
+    a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all things, and also
+    filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my wife is a little covetous, and
+    oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she doth not keep her credit where she ought to do,
+    so that I beleeve her gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a
+    good body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &amp;
+    there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in a paper, into
+    her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at the least a Crown piece, thanks
+    him very demurely, and puts it in her Pocket; never opening it till they were every
+    one of them gone, but then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are
+    warned now by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill
+    about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the Wine begins to
+    surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than before.</p>
+    <p>And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but yet not so as
+    the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls so bravely upon the good
+    health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss, that when she was going to swathe and
+    feed the Child, instead of putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it <a
+    name="Page_105" id="Page_105"></a>under the chin, &amp; sometimes against the breast;
+    and then when she was about swathing of it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a
+    wollen blanket and linnen bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little
+    naked body only in the blanket alone.</p>
+    <p>O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and entertained
+    all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their curious relations! Now you
+    will have the honour also of entertaining their husbands your He-Gossips, who will
+    not be backward in doing of you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before
+    them, and talk as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.</p>
+    <p>Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds to the
+    highest? Ha, ha, saith Master <i>Laugh wel</i>, that's a Child! who ever saw a
+    braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have such a delight in this
+    Child, that if we were but a little alone together, I'd cast you such another as if
+    it were of the same mould. Stay a little, stay a little, saith <i>Master Fillup</i>,
+    it may be you would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who were
+    Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an Alehouse, and talking
+    lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of them said; Cocksbobs <i>Jack</i> if I
+    had but a Wife, as well as another, I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy.
+    Ho, ho, saith the <a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a>t'other, it is an easie thing
+    to get a Wife if one seek it. If I would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the
+    Bridegroom within the space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a
+    wager between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of dores just
+    upon the striking of the clock; &amp; hardly was gone a streets length, before he met
+    with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an errand for her Mistris, and he
+    presently laies her on board. But she seemed to be very much offended, that an honest
+    Maid going about her business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred
+    by a strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he, you have
+    a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may certainly beleeve that it is
+    an honest person who speaks to you, and only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with
+    a virtuous good condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier,
+    and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please to admit me
+    this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest man, and none of those that go
+    about to ly and deceive any body; and indeed my intention &amp; desire is to marry,
+    to that end seeking nothing but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at
+    this time found one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of
+    terms. But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had <a name="Page_107"
+    id="Page_107"></a>no mind at-all to a Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and
+    miserablest sort of levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were
+    seldom advanced, &amp;c. He on the other side commending &amp; approving a Souldiers
+    life to be the merriest, resolutest, &amp; absolute easiest of any that was under the
+    Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical pride did any waies take place by
+    them, but that they, on the contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into
+    their thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again, all what
+    the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our selves, we get from them:
+    we never take care for to morrow, having alwaies something fresh, &amp; every day new
+    mirth. Riches, Sweetheart, doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content;
+    &amp; there's no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies
+    see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards and
+    Whore-masters fall away miserably, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the more, because
+    that very morning she had a falling out with her Mistris) and told him, she would
+    take it into consideration. He answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we
+    spend time in thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any
+    thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally falls out well
+    <a name="Page_108" id="Page_108"></a>with him. But she drawing back a little, he
+    saith, ah my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder comes a
+    Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time, till that be past by;
+    therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for otherwise I must go &amp; seek my fortune
+    by another. For a Soldier neither woos nor threatens long.</p>
+    <p>Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by the Moon, she
+    gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box for a pledge of marriage; and
+    desired something of her in like manner for a pledge; but she said she had nothing:
+    howsoever he persisted so strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a
+    pledge of marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto his
+    Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the Garter. Whereupon he
+    that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it was, what her name was, and where she
+    dwelt, &amp;c. And being told by another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well
+    complexion'd Maid, By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that
+    I could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if you will give
+    four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter &amp; the Maid too into the
+    bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l hardly know whether it be me or
+    another.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></a>Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two
+    first Cans of Wine were spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one
+    charged to keep it secret.</p>
+    <p>This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the hour and
+    place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to her several passages
+    that were passed between them the day before, and shewing her the Garter, made her
+    beleeve that he was the person that had contracted with her the day before. To be
+    short, the Maid leaves her service and marries him. And that which is most to be
+    observed, is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the second
+    performed; for just nine months after they were married, she was brought to bed of a
+    gallant young boy, and they lived very peaceably and quietly together.</p>
+    <p>Well, I'l vow, saith Master <i>Crossgrain</i>, that's a very notable relation; it
+    is better a great deal that the business happen so, then like another, which is just
+    contrary, that I shall make mention of to you.</p>
+    <p><i>Barebeard</i> and <i>Mally</i>, who by a sudden accident, without much wooing,
+    were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was published; but falling
+    out, they called one another all the names that they could reap together; nay it run
+    so high, that they would discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go
+    to the Bishop &amp; crave that they <a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a>might have
+    liberty to forbid the Banes themselves, which hapned so.</p>
+    <p><i>Barebeard</i> coming then with <i>Mall</i> before his Grace, complained that he
+    did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a good event, because
+    he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding,
+    bawling Carrion, &amp; a restless peece of mortality. Therefore it might go as it
+    would, he did not care for the Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those
+    reasons, he desired his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking
+    it much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She on the
+    t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the streets at all hours of
+    the night, a private drunken beast, a Spend-thrift, &amp;c. so that she did not care
+    for him neither. Whereupon his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do
+    you think that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps when
+    you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth for the most part
+    change the ten sences into five. But she answered, may it please your Grace, he is no
+    such man to do that, for all that he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like
+    stiff-neckedness, and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please
+    your Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I should be
+    then fast enough bound to <a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></a>her; neither would I
+    willingly go alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.</p>
+    <p>The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such sort of Flax,
+    caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said <i>Barebeard</i>, may it please your
+    Grace, am I not a freeman, &amp; may I not marry with whom I please, or have a mind
+    to? to which his Grace answered, yes. Presently <i>Barebeard</i> thrusting his head
+    out at the dore, calls out aloud, <i>Peg</i> do you come hither now; and begged that
+    his Grace would be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall
+    seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in this; if I had
+    the least thoughts on't, I would have had my <i>Hal</i> to have tarried for me at
+    this dore, instead of tarrying for me at another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in
+    great ire, chid them most shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first
+    it might very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second consent;
+    yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But <i>Barebeard</i> being now
+    married with <i>Peg</i>, they got no children: And <i>Mall</i> being married to
+    <i>Hal</i>, they had both a Son and a Daughter at one birth. By which its easie to be
+    observed what acquaintance <i>Mall</i> had made with <i>Barebeard</i> before hand,
+    &amp; why she would rather marry with Hall then with him.</p>
+    <p>To this again Mistris <i>Sweetmouth</i> relates, that <a name="Page_112"
+    id="Page_112"></a>she had been several times invited to Mistris <i>Braves</i> labour;
+    and that she had been twice brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in
+    the last encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she presented
+    him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would equally balance his great
+    bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk again for another, and finding in what
+    condition things stood, she calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a
+    most delicate pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which
+    she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the wonderfull
+    works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, as if it had been in its
+    Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just cut open with a small hole, it begun
+    presently to make a little noise like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very
+    rare &amp; pleasant to be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such
+    high doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.</p>
+    <p>But this Story was hardly told before Mistris <i>Tittle-tattle</i> pursued it with
+    another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two years ago I was at a
+    Gossipping by Mistris <i>Gay</i>, who was then brought to bed both of a Son and a
+    Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the Labour came so violently upon her, that
+    as she was standing upon the stairs, not being able to <a name="Page_113"
+    id="Page_113"></a>set one foot further; and having neither Midwife, nor any other
+    women of her neighbors and friends, only the assistance of her husband and the Maid;
+    she was immediately delivered of two gallant Children; but they did not live
+    long.</p>
+    <p>Upon my word, said Mistris <i>Bounce-about</i>, it is an excellent help when men
+    understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It hapned to me once that some
+    Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat late in the evening; and because I had had
+    several Symptoms of Labour, said this, Mistris <i>Bounce-about</i>, if you would now
+    take a walk to the Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor
+    weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an hour, and
+    being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep; before there begun such an
+    alteration of the weather; that my husband must up with all speed, who wakened the
+    Maid, and sent her for the Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all
+    what they could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any bodies
+    help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were done with such a
+    confusion; that he received the child in the Christning cloath instead of the
+    Blanket.</p>
+    <p>And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would burthen the
+    strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, because it is impossible to
+    distinguish one from <a name="Page_114" id="Page_114"></a>the t'other, when the men
+    and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times they spin such course
+    threads of bawdery in their talk, that are enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And
+    who can tell but that their tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one
+    of them who hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is high
+    time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the child, they begin to
+    break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.</p>
+    <p>Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be presented to
+    you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind and cordial entertainment,
+    and not one of them forgets to wish that you may the next year either have a Daughter
+    to your Son, or a Son to your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when
+    you receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their wishes aim
+    at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, to toss up the
+    Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they peep into all nooks and
+    corners.</p>
+    <p>Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but prithee tell
+    me, would not a body wish for the getting of such another, that his Wife might make a
+    journy to the Parsly-bed twice a year?</p>
+    <p>Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your running and going
+    early &amp;<a name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></a> late to invite them. Oh thinks she
+    by her self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But Nurse
+    you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies sickness, for there's no
+    drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among the Beggars that can cure you of it. And
+    I dare say Nurse, that you'l go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony
+    mighty scarce: because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in
+    their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the times are now so
+    strangely altered, that they keep little mild-shillings only for that use, nay some
+    of them rub it off with a couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope
+    for your sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises but no
+    performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made your bargain to have
+    had a peece more at the least for your Nurse keeping; or otherwise you must have had
+    the full liberty to toss up the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls,
+    or else to have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and then
+    after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the twinkling of an eye,
+    swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of the Father, Child-bed mother and the
+    Child; for the Wine was laid in to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is
+    commonly known that the Nurses are not so <a name="Page_116" id="Page_116"></a>mealy
+    mouth'd; for although they don't do it that every one should see it, they'l be sure
+    with the Maid to get their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again
+    think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more care they will
+    take for the Child.</p>
+    <p>Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs amongst other
+    things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will nevertheless be turning about to
+    another mirth, and then you may be sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore
+    make much of your self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows
+    whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet with such a good
+    Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed woman, &amp; a plentifull
+    housekeeping, is not every where. And you may certainly beleeve, that the month will
+    be no sooner ended, then that you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin
+    to consider with her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so
+    that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.</p>
+    <p>Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist and
+    mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a mess of milk and
+    brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that you'l have time enough to wast
+    away that fulsomness and fogginess of body, that you have gotten in your
+    Nurse-keeping.<a name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></a> For there's no body that will
+    give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your attendance, unless they want you
+    again.</p>
+    <p>O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that you may have a
+    renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the Nurse-taking its leave, and
+    will conduct you to a following.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a id="Page_118" name="Page_118"></a>THE TENTH PLEASURE.</h2>
+    <h3><i>A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths</i>.</h3>
+    <p><img src="./images/o.png" alt="O" class="figleft" />h how pleasant is th'estate of
+    married people, above that of Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and
+    Pleasures! Verily one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it
+    is impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to display it
+    with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst Painter might have drawn it
+    very near the life, yet it would be but a dead draught, in comparison of the reality
+    and experience that is found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or
+    Tables but it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness of
+    one of the nine Parts.</p>
+    <p>Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so short a time
+    arisen to the height of being possessors of all these Pleasures: And so much the
+    more, the ninth being hardly past, before the tenth follows, as it were treading upon
+    the heels of the t'other.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate10.png"><img src="images/plate10_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 10" title="" /></a><br />
+    Folio 188.<br />
+     Published by The Navarre Society, London</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a>They have scarce wiped their mouths or
+    digested the Child-bed Wine in their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of
+    mirth &amp; jollity; for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept &amp; the child
+    must be put in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!
+    'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.</p>
+    <p>At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty pleasing
+    Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable discourses. But now you shall be
+    honoured with treating the Matron like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your
+    kindest friends and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also
+    who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and pleasant
+    countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, <i>super naculum</i>
+    drink it out, upon the health &amp; prosperity of you, your Bedfellow and young Son;
+    and very heartily wish that you may increase and multiply, at least every year with
+    one new Babe; because that they then might the better come to the Child-bed
+    Feast.</p>
+    <p>Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss your Cups
+    and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray God bless his Majesty and
+    all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our Native Country; <a name="Page_120"
+    id="Page_120"></a>all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &amp;c. And when you
+    have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with the honour and name, in
+    a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well is not that a noble title; such a
+    Pleasure alone is worth a thousand pounds at lest.</p>
+    <p>And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other Women are
+    contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put in Cloaths upon the best
+    and modishest manner: For she is resolved to morrow morning to be Church'd, &amp; in
+    the afternoon she'l go to market.</p>
+    <p>She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in the second
+    part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and in the streets, she hath
+    continually observed severall children, and the most part of them dressed up in
+    severall sorts of fashions: Some of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she
+    doubts whether that be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which
+    makes her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand very neat
+    and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly and very dear; but then
+    again it is very comly and handsom. And then again she thinks with her self, as long
+    as I am at Market, I'd as good go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for
+    all; it is for our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person;
+    therefore it <a name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></a>is better to take that which is
+    curious and neat, the price for making is all one; besides it will be a great
+    Pleasure for my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his
+    mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.</p>
+    <p>Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing much, you have
+    need but of little; and it is for your first. When it grows bigger, or that you get
+    more, you must part with much more mony. Don't grudge at this for once, because then
+    you would spoil all your mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife,
+    who is not only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very
+    carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd. You your self
+    have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a while, for women must have
+    their wills; say but little to her, for her brains are too much busied already; and
+    it may be that in three hours time, you would hardly get three words of answer from
+    her; and suppose you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your
+    answer from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all her
+    thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to &amp; again, one among another
+    continually, to order the dressing up of her child.</p>
+    <p>I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at present run a
+    Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and<a name="Page_122"
+    id="Page_122"></a> Trade are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and
+    by reason of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce, nothing
+    near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort your self herewith, that
+    it hath hapned oft-times to others, &amp; will yet also happen oftner to you. Yet
+    this is one of the least things; but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse
+    goes away. This seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a
+    Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than you had
+    before.</p>
+    <p>You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks after the
+    Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from tossing and tumbling with
+    it in the night: whilest others, on the contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their
+    houses; begin first to tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that
+    the Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto both Father
+    &amp; Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman is yet so weak, she can
+    neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of the Cradle; insomuch that the Father
+    here must put a helping hand to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath
+    the greatest share in it.</p>
+    <p>By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of the Kernel
+    of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, <a name="Page_123"
+    id="Page_123"></a>out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that
+    she might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her breasts for the
+    Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off with but rocking the most part
+    of the night; for many times it happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet,
+    that Father, Mother, &amp; Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of
+    their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and stratagems, yet
+    all's to no purpose.</p>
+    <p>And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few months are
+    past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so night &amp; day, that
+    they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing a thousand thousand times over
+    that they might see day-break; and so by the comfortable assistance of day-light
+    receive a little solace for all their toiling and tumbling too and again.</p>
+    <p>Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be discomforted at
+    this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have learnt somthing in the School of
+    Marriage, to exercise their patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves
+    contented with all things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is
+    past, they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them thanks with
+    its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with a slabbering cocurring. And
+    I beleeve now that <a name="Page_124" id="Page_124"></a>they clearly find that all
+    things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And that the fairest
+    Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a Cloudy Storm.</p>
+    <p>You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much greater
+    advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, neither need you to be
+    troubled with tossing &amp; dandling of the child in the night.</p>
+    <p>O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you! For now you
+    may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your Son; and by that means reap
+    the possession again of all those former Pleasures; &amp; by every one be saluted
+    with the Title that you are an excellent good Artist.</p>
+    <p>If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your wife too much
+    on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her miscarry. But you have learnt
+    all these things well enough at the first, and without doubt have kept them well in
+    remembrance.</p>
+    <p>Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your dearly
+    Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most neatest dresses. What a
+    World of pains she takes &amp; spends her spirits, to make the Tailor understand,
+    according to what fashion she will have it made; &amp; to hasten him that all things
+    may be ready and totally finisht against Sunday next.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125"></a>O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what
+    a pretty Son you have! How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that
+    knows how to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better pleased!
+    Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too short for her to gad up
+    and down traversing the streets of the City, that she may fullfill her desire of
+    shewing it to every body: never was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and
+    the Maid with the Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides
+    seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up &amp; down from day to day. And most
+    especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse turn'd away, the Maid cannot
+    let it penetrate into her brain; that she now not only the whole week must rock,
+    sing, dandle, dress, and walk abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also
+    bound to the Child, like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly
+    did, to walk abroad with <i>Giles the Baker</i>, or <i>John True the Tailor</i>; nor
+    so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred; which occasions
+    no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.</p>
+    <p>But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs also to the
+    Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented because your Dearest walks abroad
+    thus every day; but rather think with your self, she takes her <a name="Page_126"
+    id="Page_126"></a>spinning Wheel and reel along with her. And if in her absence, you
+    have not that due attendance, nor find that in the house and Kitchin things are not
+    so well taken care for, why then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance
+    of the Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you enjoied
+    the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child should sit much, it
+    might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe were ruined for ever. It is also too
+    weak yet to be any waies roughly handled; but it begins from day to day to grow
+    stronger and stronger: Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit
+    all your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, and drinks
+    not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no small Pleasure for the
+    Father and Mother to see that this little young Gosling can so perfectly distinguish
+    the tast of the Wine, from the tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder
+    years, perhaps they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it.
+    But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes people quickly
+    gray-headed.</p>
+    <p>Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at an end; you
+    will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels or small Pox; and then
+    you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might not be <a name="Page_127"
+    id="Page_127"></a>disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no
+    wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and measeling when he is
+    five &amp; twenty years of age? But on the contrary there may then perchance appear
+    so many glimps of marriage Pleasures from him, that such small things will not be
+    once lookt at.</p>
+    <p>For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I have told
+    you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a pretty sweet Gentlewoman
+    she'l grow to be; how modestly &amp; orderly she goes to learn to write and read; but
+    most especially to prick samples; which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before
+    she hath half learnt to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making
+    of Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.</p>
+    <p>Otherwise both you &amp; her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in seeing
+    your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil deportments; and that she
+    begins to study in the book of <i>French manners and behaviours</i>; and knows also
+    how to dress up her self so finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all
+    the neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves very much
+    honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of
+    their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct one another in the newest fashions,
+    finest Flanders Laces, the difference and richness of Stuffs, the <a name="Page_128"
+    id="Page_128"></a>neatest cut Gorgets, and many more such Jincombobs as these. Nay,
+    and what's more, they begin also to invite and treat each other like grave persons,
+    according as the opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums;
+    then with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts &amp; Figs; and afterwards with
+    some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of Tee, or else to eat
+    some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if the Coast be clear to their minds to
+    a good joint of meat &amp; a Sallad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these
+    delicious conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a
+    bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very pleasing to see
+    that they do so observe the making good of the old Proverb,</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>As old Birds did, the young ones sing, Which is a very pleasant
+    thing.</i></p>
+    <p>Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your selves of so
+    many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to the very entrance to
+    repossess your selves of them over again; and perchance they'l never depart from you
+    as long as you see the one day follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in
+    relating your happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can
+    happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your heart, and abhor
+    everlastingly <a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a>the thoughts of relating it; then
+    you will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into your Company,
+    &amp; then also will your estate and condition be famous through the whole World.</p>
+    <h2>Conclusion.</h2>
+    <p>Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married people, who are
+    but indifferently gifted with temporal means, indeavour to puff up each other with
+    vain and airy hopes and imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles,
+    vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights
+    and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their own miserable condition,
+    or else to draw others into the same unhappy snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But
+    it is most sad and lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown
+    themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then it was before:
+    For they, who at first could but very soberly and sparingly help themselves, do find
+    when they are married, that they must go through not only ten, but at least a
+    thousand cares and vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten
+    Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any of
+    those, which many times are so different <a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a>and
+    contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of
+    dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting &amp; scratching into the
+    bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish,
+    proud, opinionated, domineering, and unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides
+    there are a great number (which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please
+    others, and Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise themselves
+    so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long they can hardly close their
+    Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder much, if you see the greatest part of women
+    (tho they trick themselves never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their
+    Parents are fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may
+    disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen that they are in
+    effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, &amp;c. for we find both
+    Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those commodities.</p>
+    <p>Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out of this
+    dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a woman much more than a
+    Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon amongst all women kind could not find one
+    good. Observe by what hath befallen those that went before you, what is approaching
+    to your self, if you follow their <a name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></a>footsteps. And
+    be most certainly assured that the acutest pens are not able to expound the light
+    &amp; feasiblest troubles and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most
+    difficile and ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter of
+    a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon your heart; and
+    lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the glorious Apostle, <i>It is good for
+    man not to touch a woman</i>.</p>
+    <h4>The End of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h4>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></a>A LETTER</h2>
+    <h3>From one Friend to another,</h3>
+    <h3><i>Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry.</i></h3>
+    <p><i>SIR,</i></p>
+    <p>I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given me some
+    incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate upon the question you
+    propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is a matter of great importance, that
+    ought to be well pondered and considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize
+    &amp; celebrate it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very
+    same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they were affected;
+    but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and unboundedly with you, by reason I dare
+    speak unto you with more freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me
+    strictly to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I have of
+    this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then you <a name="Page_133"
+    id="Page_133"></a>may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my meaning
+    for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the disasters we are subject to
+    in our life time, that of Marriage takes preference from all the rest: But for as
+    much as it is necessary for the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by
+    such as are not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof.
+    Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there will happen to
+    him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to take a Wife. Those troubles
+    that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies of so small a strength! that he who hath
+    but the least magnanimity may easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are
+    such a burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he would, which
+    it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry then, you shall have a
+    thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand
+    plagues; and in a word, a thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to
+    your Grave. You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you every
+    day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to awake and disturb you in
+    the middle of your rest! and the fear of some mischance or other will feed your very
+    spirit with a continual trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to
+    awaken you out of sleep. Their <a name="Page_134" id="Page_134"></a>lives shall
+    hasten your death. You shall never be at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will
+    be pining at many insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be
+    vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your
+    very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which alwaies accompany this
+    evil, in the very happiest marriages. So that a Man ought in reality to confess, that
+    he who can pass away his daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is
+    a heavy burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is marriageable, will
+    do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to
+    either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections;
+    changes her behaviour, &amp; covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She
+    dissembleth her hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her
+    bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech and face; and to
+    say all in one word, she puts on the face of an Angel, till she hath found one or
+    other whom she thinks fit to deceive with her base tricks and actions. But having
+    caught him under the Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other
+    side of the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the naked
+    truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only forbad her to reveal: By
+    degrees <a name="Page_135" id="Page_135"></a>then vomiting up the venom that she so
+    long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is repenting, or the greatest
+    understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss,
+    who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a
+    Queen upon her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love her.
+    But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is oftentimes tempted; a
+    young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of
+    folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and
+    light hearted, she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of
+    her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can flatter you so
+    well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her freedom of spirit will appear
+    hypocritical to you: her airiness you will judge to be tricks that will be very
+    troublesom to you. If she love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and
+    sweet-tooth'd, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad
+    Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost you so much care
+    and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her
+    apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters with your mony. And in this manner her
+    lavishness, shall destroy all your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she
+    shall never <a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a>bring you much profit. In good
+    troth, I esteem very little those sort of things, which you imagine to have a great
+    delight in. 'Tis true, if you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without
+    either air or spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old
+    are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the innocent laught
+    at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and women without airiness, have
+    generally but small sence of love. In these last some body might say to you, that one
+    ought to take of them that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will
+    surge a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one who
+    fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the middle, to be the
+    higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise you to marry. Yet I would not
+    have you to beleeve, tho I so much discommend it, that it is no waies usefully
+    profitable. I esteem it to be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which
+    makes it bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you must then
+    conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to subject your self to the
+    toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most difficult to be born with; to pass by all
+    her deficiences; to assist her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to
+    approve of all her pleasures, &amp; whatsoever she also will you must condescend <a
+    name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a>to. Now you have heard and understood all my
+    reasons and arguments, you may then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that
+    you would willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it would
+    be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and vertues survive in your
+    children. But as to that I'l answer you, and say, that your reward shall be greater
+    in relieving the poor and needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and
+    procure you an everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to
+    your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that they are both
+    Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good trees do not alwaies bring
+    forth good fruit. If, when you have seriously perused this my Letter, you are not
+    affrighted at your intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And
+    beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles &amp; vexations of marriage, is
+    much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, then another in the whole
+    scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a single man may freely and resolutely
+    undertake all things, to Travel, go to battell, be solitary, &amp; live according to
+    his own delight; without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and
+    Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for their friends will
+    never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning <a name="Page_138"
+    id="Page_138"></a>your intention; and further I give you no other advice, then what
+    by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do well: but not marrying,
+    you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather then to marry, you shall alwaies
+    find me to be</p>
+    <p class="poem">SIR<br />
+    <span class="i4"><i>Your very humble servant</i></span></p>
+    <p class="signature">A.B.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="images/chap-end.png" alt="Chapter Separator" title="" /></p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a>The</h1>
+    <h1>CONFESSION</h1>
+    <h1>Of the</h1>
+    <h1>New Married Couple.</h1>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/title2.png"><img src="images/title2_th.jpg"
+    alt="THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE" title="" /></a><br />
+    THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE<br />
+    LONDON,<br />
+    PRINTED in the JEAR 1683.<br />
+    <i>Published by The Navarre Society, London.</i></p>
+    <h1><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a>The</h1>
+    <h1>CONFESSION</h1>
+    <h1>Of the</h1>
+    <h1>New Married Couple,</h1>
+    <h2>Being</h2>
+    <h2>The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h2>
+    <h3>Relating</h3>
+    <h3><i>The further delights and contentments that ly masked under the bands of
+    Wedlock.</i></h3>
+    <h4>Written by <i>A. Marsh.</i> Typogr.</h4>
+    <p class="ctr"><img src="./images/title-design.png" alt="" title="" /></p>
+    <h4>LONDON,</h4>
+    <h5>Printed in the year 1683.</h5>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h3><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143"></a>To the READER.</h3>
+    <p>Courteous Reader,</p>
+    <p><i>Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go forward with a
+    Second, which I here present thee with; being now indifferently confident that it
+    will be no worse used by Thee then the Brother of it was: I hope there is never a
+    Part of it, in which thou wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for
+    such as profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the gestur of
+    casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell you a notorious ly, I
+    would not have them to study in it, by reason it speaks a great deal of truth, and
+    will not be so suitable to their humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is
+    scrambled together, which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in
+    such</i> holding forth <i>Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make use
+    of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their Spirits with a little
+    laughter, and never busie their brains with the subversion of State and Church
+    government: And being well received by such, it is as much as is expected by him who
+    is thine. Farewell</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <h1><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a>The</h1>
+    <h1>CONFESSION</h1>
+    <h1>Of the</h1>
+    <h1>New Married Couple,</h1>
+    <h3>Being</h3>
+    <h2>The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h2>
+    <hr />
+    <h2>INTRODUCTION.</h2>
+    <p>It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many traverses and
+    tossings too and again, they return quietly home to their studies and rememorates all
+    the unexpected pleasure that they encountred with upon the one Coast, and the
+    horrible vexations and confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning
+    thereof, doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and conveyeth
+    them through all the Countries, without so much as the least moving of a foot. Just
+    so it goes with those that have been under the Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed
+    from them: These being then come to be solitary, at rest, <a name="Page_146"
+    id="Page_146"></a>and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate and recogitate what
+    pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings and crosses they met with at other
+    times. And the writing down of these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the
+    received pleasures; but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for
+    them to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys are still
+    approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know not the sweetness of the
+    Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon that they may with all earnestness Sail
+    unto it, and possess those joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you
+    Ten Pleasant Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and
+    not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous Reader add unto
+    them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married people have since confessed,
+    or to be short with you, was formerly wink'd at, and passed over.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate11.png"><img src="images/plate11_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 11" title="" /></a><br />
+    9<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a>The First Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised
+    Portion</i>.</h3>
+    <p>Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part of your
+    Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal delights in it. But
+    what is there in this World that we grow not weary of? You have seen that the
+    sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes, and the pleasurablest Country Scituations,
+    with al their rich fruits, finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of
+    them.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it is
+    possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst the rest the gain of
+    mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this appears to be the least burthensom,
+    tho it have much trouble in it. Therefore is it very much commendable, O young
+    Couple, though you have a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of
+    Marriage testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your apparel,
+    and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate how to make the best
+    benefit of your stock; and so much the more, because your Predecessors got it with a
+    slavish diligence, reaped it together with sobriety, kept it with <a name="Page_148"
+    id="Page_148"></a>care, and finally left it unto you for your great pleasure. It is
+    then also not strange, if you, as true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the
+    best profit of it; to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find
+    that they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily this is one
+    of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could but any waies make the dead
+    sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice
+    at so happy and carefull an intention of you their children.</p>
+    <p>And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable, then to begin
+    with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily gain, yeelds every day new
+    pleasures, and by consequence a merry life. 'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater
+    respect, and yeelds also sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it
+    is for the most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the destruction of
+    young people, and so intangles the merriest part of their lives, that fears and cares
+    deprives them of their night rest. If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a
+    fear that the Ships at sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If
+    they will assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are also
+    so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes them very slow and
+    circumspect; or if they be not <a name="Page_149" id="Page_149"></a>so, it is to be
+    feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself might come to be
+    lost.</p>
+    <p>But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for every moment you
+    get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who buy continually with ready
+    mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and trust the new. Yea all the news that goes
+    about the City, is brought home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman
+    brought to bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure can
+    there be then this?</p>
+    <p>Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant to your
+    husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so by degrees learn to
+    understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the customers; whereby you can in his
+    absence, also help the customers, and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you
+    oftentimes attain to as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband
+    himself.</p>
+    <p>You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in this choice,
+    and that not only for your husband, but principally for your self. For if that
+    mischance might happen to you, that death should bereave you of your husband, you
+    find your self oftentimes setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self,
+    and set forward with <a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a>reputation. Nay though you
+    might happen to have children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in
+    the same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from them, which
+    will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and over whom there is seldom so
+    much command, as over ones own children.</p>
+    <p>And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows quick, he
+    perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else may be taken by the hand
+    that is also profitable, and then he will alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise
+    that is secure and advantagious.</p>
+    <p>It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your housekeeping,
+    and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure with your Gossips as you
+    formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if your husband had taken any sort of
+    Merchandice in hand; because that a Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it
+    were also wedded to the Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much
+    less to new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the Trade,
+    and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both and junket together;
+    which makes no small confusion in the family; but little regard must be taken about
+    that, for the importantest must alwaies be taken care of.</p>
+    <p>And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment, begin once
+    to take <a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a>possession of you, the thoughts of all
+    the former pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are more
+    noble and becoming, <i>viz.</i> in the well governing of your Men and Maid-servants
+    in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they be obedient unto you; the
+    Family must be wel taken care of; going to Market with the Maid to buy that which is
+    good, and let her dress it to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the
+    Maid neatly drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of
+    Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your got a little
+    farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly and finically drest up; and in
+    hearing of it, whilest it is in the standing stool, calling in its own language so
+    prettily Daddy and Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever
+    you go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home again in your
+    Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you have it) to be by your
+    Baby.</p>
+    <p>And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends and
+    neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in Bridewell, nor the Bow
+    ever stiff bent) why then you have Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for
+    pleasure as devotion. And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then
+    you may sing tantarroraara three daies <a name="Page_152" id="Page_152"></a>together,
+    and get your fill of it. So that you may find time enough to take your delight and
+    pleasure, tho you be a little tied to a Shop.</p>
+    <p>This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some of the
+    nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop, and to furnish it
+    with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make that you may alwaies say Yea and
+    never No to the Customers.</p>
+    <p>O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is otherwise
+    somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by his friends! and how
+    joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at first seemed to be high-spirited, is now
+    herewith so absolutely contented.</p>
+    <p>O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent upon one
+    subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of Wedlock and love together!
+    Certainly to be of one mind, may very well be said to be happily married, and called
+    a Heaven upon Earth.</p>
+    <p>Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too monstrously, as
+    if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be found in it. Now they would see
+    how that Love in her curious Crusible, melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To
+    this all Chymists vail their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the <a
+    name="Page_153" id="Page_153"></a>hardest Minerals as soft as Milk and Butter. This
+    Art surpasseth all others.</p>
+    <p>Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht upon. The man
+    hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French Manufactures and Galantries,
+    &amp;c. But the Woman thinks it would be much better, if they handled by the gross in
+    Italian Confits, Candied and Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds,
+    Pistaches, Bon Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek
+    and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine; which is a
+    Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast, and beloved by all the
+    World. And by this she thinks she shall procure as many Customers as her husband,
+    because she hath familiar acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw
+    away much mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and
+    Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she received an
+    honourable visit.</p>
+    <p>O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife! that takes care
+    and considers with her self for the doing all fit and necessary things to the best
+    advantage. And really she is not one jot out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize
+    is both relishing and delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.<a
+    name="Page_154" id="Page_154"></a></p>
+    <p>Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne Wood, and
+    to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And you are happy, that Master
+    Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good
+    acquaintance, and so near by the hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most
+    curiously together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you
+    would swear it is all of one piece.</p>
+    <p>Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go thus
+    forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be, at the least, a span
+    too little. O how glad you'l be, when this trouble is but once over! and that the
+    Shop is neatly built, painted, gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.</p>
+    <p>O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be when this new
+    Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one Counter commending, praising
+    and selling, and one servant bringing commodities to him, and another hath his hands
+    full with measuring and weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment
+    enough with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the Customers. Then
+    it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass that your Predecessors got such
+    fine sums of mony together, and left them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you
+    ought also, even as they did, to provide <a name="Page_155" id="Page_155"></a>your
+    selves with a curious and easie to be remembred Sign, because your Customers by
+    mistake might not come to run into your Neighbors Shops.</p>
+    <p>I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper, first hung
+    out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson, but by reason of his great
+    custom, they called him, by the nick name, of James in the Sheep; which remains still
+    as a name to the generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well
+    customed Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the sign
+    of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy whose name was also
+    William Jackson, for the making a distinction between them, they gave him the name of
+    William the Silkworm, which also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common
+    only among the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among Coachmen,
+    Wagoners, and others.</p>
+    <p>But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our new married
+    Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the earnest desire they have to see
+    all things accomplished, and their Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got
+    on his doublet, tho he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you
+    come to this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in <a
+    name="Page_156" id="Page_156"></a>the way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it
+    will be much the pleasanter.</p>
+    <p>For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be wanting to
+    fill all the corners and places with commodities that must be sold by length of time,
+    and to stand out the trust; and also with patience and meekness expect the coming of
+    mony from slow and bad paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the
+    promised Portion.</p>
+    <p>Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made his full
+    account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised Portion; not doubting
+    but that the young womans lay all totally ready told of in bags; and thought to take
+    it in the best sence, I will pay my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in
+    peaceable times, when there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are
+    better furnisht, will then give him the principal.</p>
+    <p>And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since other mens
+    fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an answer, <i>With young men
+    must be promised, and with daughters must be given.</i> And others make their sons
+    give them a bond, wherein he, as by example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his
+    father six hundred pound, whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to
+    give in marriage with his son six hundred pound: which <a name="Page_157"
+    id="Page_157"></a>at last comes to nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect
+    cheat to deceive and hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her
+    Guardians.</p>
+    <p>It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are discovered,
+    there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come to the true pleasure.</p>
+    <p>But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side, you can get
+    provisionally your interest, and when times mend your principal. Perhaps it will not
+    be half so well with your wives estate, for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath
+    spent and run out more in gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her
+    estate could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues thereof
+    received and consumed long before they were due.</p>
+    <p>'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is this
+    approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her Guardians, to see if
+    they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in. But to his good fortune, he finds it
+    in a much better condition than he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent
+    much less in her apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that
+    there's not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to be paid
+    unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides apparel <a
+    name="Page_158" id="Page_158"></a>and the other accoutrements. Well this is an
+    extraordinary pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many
+    hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that otherwise would
+    not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one may easily perceive that mony
+    increaseth love very much; and that Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and
+    so diligent in search of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the
+    Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a very close
+    intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten double salaries (and that
+    ofttimes too from both sides) if they can but help anyone to a good bargain, and that
+    he obtains access; and afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a
+    match. But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with, is well
+    known to the whole World.</p>
+    <p>You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim to possess
+    the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting voices of these crafty
+    Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon the <i>Scylla</i> and <i>Charibdis</i>
+    where the Hellish Furies seem to keep their habitation. These are the only
+    Occasioners of bad Matches, and such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once
+    affoards both Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159"></a>But our new married Couple went clear another
+    way to work, who now to their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks,
+    injoy such multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of
+    kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast Estate to be gained
+    thereby: So that they find, that in that estate, there are not only Ten, but a
+    thousand Pleasures cemented together in it; whereof in the following shall be
+    demonstrated in some part the imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished
+    Portrait.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate12.png"><img src="images/plate12_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 12" title="" /></a><br />
+    27<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2>The Second Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the Doctors
+    advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions.</i></h3>
+    <p>Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, sympathetically
+    minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, how to breathe into each other
+    their burning hearts-desire, wherewith the one doth as it were kindle the other, and
+    do every moment renew and blow on again their even just now extinguished
+    delights.</p>
+    <p>Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the longest Summer
+    daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their affections; they hardly know
+    how to find out time that they may bestow some few hours <a name="Page_160"
+    id="Page_160"></a>in taking care for the ordring and setting all things in a decent
+    posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall alwaies live thus,
+    <i>Salamander</i>-like in the fire, without being ever indamaged by it. But time will
+    teach them this better. In the mean while we will make our selves merry with the
+    pleasure of this married Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with
+    severall brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.</p>
+    <p>But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other pastime then
+    to entertain each other in all manner of kind imbracements, and to chear up their
+    hearts therein to the utmost. Here it may be plainly seen how pleasant and
+    delightfull it is for the young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the
+    longer the more frank and jocund.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>So, that to us, her countenance doth display<br />
+    Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day.</i></p>
+    <p>But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self insensible, yet
+    maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new married Man, before few months
+    are expired, find that he becomes the very subject of flouting at and laughter, among
+    his former boon Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of
+    a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, and thinness of
+    his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.<a name="Page_161" id="Page_161"></a></p>
+    <p>And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that he himself
+    beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid their mockeries, casts it
+    of from him as far as possible may be. But his own opinion doth so clearly convince
+    him, that in himself he ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.</p>
+    <p>But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and drinks, he thinks
+    that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself inwardly weaker of body rallies
+    with his own distemper, in hopes that by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he
+    may from them understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;
+    and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from your wife and
+    Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, or else you'l become like one
+    of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, if that be true, I have spent my reckoning
+    this evening very happily.</p>
+    <p>Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night discontented
+    in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has walkt in a dump from Towerhill
+    to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best for him to do, and how to compass the matter
+    neatly. For to remain so from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the
+    usual family duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the matter
+    is, is yet worse. To leave of<a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a> Tobacco, and eat
+    knuckles of Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink Chocolate,
+    that sticks against the stomack.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers affection.
+    Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he resolves to deny his
+    dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to that purpose will somtimes in an
+    evening feign to have the headake, or that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no
+    absolutely;) and thereby commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the
+    morning, as if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &amp;c. and hunts up and
+    down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it himself in
+    milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate instead of Tobacco; and he
+    feigning that he hath an extraordinary delight in it; and on the other side, perswade
+    his wife that he has a huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and
+    new-laid Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.</p>
+    <p>But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather weaker then
+    stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who immediately prescribes a
+    small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty or more several sorts of herbs, to be
+    infused in a pottle of old Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern
+    thereof at a time: Item a Plaister to <a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a>be applied
+    to his Stomack; and an unguent for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to
+    chafe the Temples of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet,
+    &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife; therefore must be
+    laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German Doctor, who without stop or stand,
+    according to the nature of his country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as
+    followeth: <i>Ach Herr, ihr zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr
+    habt in des Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
+    Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze kranckheyt haben,
+    wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt,
+    ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier
+    andermaal tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
+    triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und Enteneyeren, die
+    wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket,
+    Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und
+    Taubengehirn viel gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken;
+    es is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und mechtich
+    werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich zein</i>.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164"></a><i>In English thus</i>.</p>
+    <p>Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in the
+    mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, if you make not use
+    of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of sickness; but if you do take it,
+    you'l be very quickly and dextrously cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour
+    you may both storm and take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make
+    often use of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with fat
+    meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps and Goats milk boild
+    with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in
+    them; and drink temperately Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing
+    of this, you will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
+    acceptable to your dearly beloved.</p>
+    <p>Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives
+    that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of words but few effects for his
+    mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before
+    made use of; and is therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that
+    boiling and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him take a <a
+    name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a>resolution to let it take its course. But still
+    growing weaker and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
+    for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is
+    troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins of his back, a lameness in
+    his joints that he can hardly lift his arm to his head; together with a foulness of
+    his stomack, which makes him that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all
+    up again, &amp;c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the
+    ground of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.</p>
+    <p>O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will
+    come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers
+    at the playing of his own part, and never fails to note down his Visits; but most
+    especially if he have the delivery of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them
+    then so largely to account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
+    Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the tiding of a new
+    Bankrupt.</p>
+    <p>But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for nothing; and
+    it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new remedies; especially when we
+    see that you constantly write.</p>
+    <p class="ctr">Rx <i>Vini Rhenani vetustissimi &amp; generostssimi M ij</i>.</p>
+    <p>And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and Tansies,
+    &amp;c.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a>Though since the Patient, like making a
+    Martyr of himself, is in this manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly
+    beloved Wife is not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
+    come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of consolation to the good
+    woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken such deep root in her heart, that no
+    crums of comfort, though ever so powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the
+    seeing of a husband who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine,
+    to ly sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and mollifie it
+    with showers of tears.</p>
+    <p>But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with this
+    sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it known to good
+    acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you before) are very ready to appear
+    with their flouts and gibes, and instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the
+    Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then
+    half your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your wives; and we
+    alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate Wedding-wine for you, that
+    you would have desired us to have taken the like care for to have such at yours, and
+    afterwards at your Wives lying-in. Yet since <a name="Page_167" id="Page_167"></a>it
+    hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor hath taken so much the better care for
+    it.</p>
+    <p>Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the same time,
+    as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last receipt had ordered Rhenish
+    Wine.</p>
+    <p>And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce abundance
+    of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast up a hundred Receits
+    which makes <i>Peggy</i> the maid blush and be most cruelly ashamed at; but behind
+    the Window she listens most sharply to hear what's told and confessed by those that
+    be in the Chamber, as to the further matter of fact.</p>
+    <p>For Master <i>Barebreech</i> relates, that as he was travelling the last Summer
+    into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through Edenburgh, met there
+    with his cousin Master <i>Coldenough</i>, who look'd so lean and pale-fac'd; that
+    Master <i>Barebreech</i> told him, in truth Cousin, I should hardly have known you;
+    verily you look as if you were troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a
+    first lying-in through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
+    you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too true. I went from
+    home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks or a month, that I might store my
+    self with fresh provisions, and sing a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho,
+    Ho, saith Master<a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a> <i>Barebreech</i>, flatter not
+    your self with such a fancy, that you'l get as much up again in three weeks or a
+    month, as you have been running behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a
+    frolick go into France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
+    together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then when we come home
+    again, you'l find your self so well, and both you and your wife will be thankfull to
+    me as long as you live for my good advice of taking this journy. To be short, the
+    Cousins travell together, and Master <i>Coldenough</i> came home so lusty, fat and
+    plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired mightily
+    that he was so fat and corpulent.</p>
+    <p>At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having toss'd up their
+    cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh Kan, and Master <i>Winetast</i>
+    begins to relate how that he used to be familiarly acquainted with a certain brave
+    Judge, who had a bucksom bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which
+    at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very cleaverly by
+    his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately,
+    without further delay, go upon a journy; having read that, prepares himself with his
+    man forthwith to be going.</p>
+    <p>But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take some important
+    <a name="Page_169" id="Page_169"></a>writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
+    privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her displeasure to tell her,
+    who delivered him that Letter; with a promise of her favour if he spoke the truth.
+    Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the
+    Judge; but he hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
+    know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will have the
+    greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear anything, said her
+    Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.</p>
+    <p>A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and walking with
+    his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of Sheep, having but one Ram
+    amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one
+    Sheep hath such horns, and the t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the
+    Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
+    answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes Hony, saies the
+    Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) alas poor Creature, how must you
+    long then to walk some other Road!</p>
+    <p>There had been more related; for Master <i>Carouser</i> was entred upon a new
+    subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to break of.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a>But <i>Ellen</i> the starchster, being busie
+    in the Kitchin with the Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in;
+    saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by my truly
+    Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this
+    is clear another thing, this sickness is not without great danger; and it would be no
+    such wonder, if my husband hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the
+    Pleasures of Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.</p>
+    <p>But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the Pleasures
+    so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as it were for the present
+    hid behind the Curtains; neither must you expect to sail alwaies before wind and
+    tide; and beleeve me there are yet other Nuts to be krackt.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <h2>The Third Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's sake.
+    The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing.</i></h3>
+    <p>It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel striving against
+    the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made and furnisht, then the good Man
+    falls sick, and keeps the first Lying in.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate13.png"><img src="images/plate13_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 13" title="" /></a><br />
+    50<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a>But Experience having taught him, that with
+    relishing and solid dishes a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable,
+    to take a journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers in
+    other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which means he may as
+    well take as good care for his health, as he doth of his Shop-keeping.</p>
+    <p>Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their loves so
+    tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young woman thinks she shall
+    do, as formerly <i>Cyana</i> did, either consume her self in tears, or drown'd her
+    self in a River, if she must suffer this.</p>
+    <p>Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of mankind, if
+    her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not then but beleeve that the
+    married estate is full of incomprehensible and inexhaustible pleasures and
+    sweetnesses? Do but behold how these two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray
+    observe what a number of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch
+    actions are used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the reason
+    of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these effeminate
+    passions.</p>
+    <p>Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between her Sister and
+    her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; <a name="Page_172"
+    id="Page_172"></a>and using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull
+    heart merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
+    bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, suppose ye did
+    all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with me!</p>
+    <p>But because time and good company help to decline and pass away sorrow; she very
+    happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit opportunity, to invite her Neeces
+    and Bridemaids and other good acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty
+    familiar, to come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
+    have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times with Tarts,
+    Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that she is as yet ashamed for
+    not having made them some recompence. And she never could find an occasion that was
+    convenient before, because one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another
+    time with her Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
+    pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for trivial
+    expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat she received, was for
+    the most part done, to bring her acquainted with this or that Gentlewomans Brother,
+    or Cousin, or some other pretty Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might
+    <a name="Page_173" id="Page_173"></a>happen to make a gallant Match; and indeed the
+    first original of the wooing, and acquaintance with her beloved, had there its
+    foundation.</p>
+    <p>To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies appear so
+    well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer themselves to be conducted
+    to the place by one or other of their Gallants; who then either very easily are
+    persuaded, or it may be of themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this
+    must be done and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
+    mony as well as her husband.</p>
+    <p>Here now must <i>Doll</i> run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a Rowling-pin, and
+    some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest
+    <i>Mage</i> is also hardly able to stand longer upon her legs, with running up and
+    down to fetch new-laid Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &amp;c. The
+    Mistriss and <i>Doll</i> are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both
+    helpt to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook must be
+    spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and <i>Mage</i> must run to the
+    Confit-makers in <i>Black-Fryers</i>, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all
+    other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients,
+    &amp;c. for she knows best where all those things are to be had. And for a principal
+    dish there ought to be a Pot <a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a>of Venison, a
+    couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and
+    Olives for the Gentlemen, because they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And
+    truly they that bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
+    but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not,
+    neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats so many of his friends and
+    acquaintance, and then again next day following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may
+    very well play my part once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't
+    what will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this three years.
+    And against next morning, very privately, she invites the Gentlewomen alone, to come
+    about nine a clock in the morning, to eat hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come
+    precisely out of the Oven; and in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit,
+    Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or
+    be fetcht ne'r so far.</p>
+    <p>Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago was so
+    sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly there's nothing comes
+    out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then womens tears!</p>
+    <p>But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all
+    things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover there <a name="Page_175"
+    id="Page_175"></a>there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
+    Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their Patron, hang like
+    Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the sorrowfull, and to rejoice with
+    the joifull. But it is now a time to be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for
+    all is done under the Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman
+    had not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the pleasures of
+    marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there was no looking for them.</p>
+    <p>Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in sight;
+    which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have been seen in a house;
+    nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but now every one knows how to play
+    artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games
+    that the expertest Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
+    their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to
+    play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that in a short time they can and
+    also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies
+    find, that every one of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School,
+    and to act the part of a Mistriss.<a name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></a> And most
+    especially they learn to discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof;
+    just as these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never seen that
+    they practised this lesson themselves.</p>
+    <p>But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing of these
+    tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing,
+    for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what
+    paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their
+    Mistresses footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
+    together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that we thought it
+    necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures of Marriage, also to be set
+    down in the Third Table of the First Part.</p>
+    <p>Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be
+    grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their
+    innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they,
+    and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to
+    Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore
+    this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
+    gotten a <a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a>delicate bit by the by, cannot fare
+    well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for
+    it.</p>
+    <p>But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this
+    evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning
+    women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand
+    witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser
+    Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:<br />
+    Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best.</i></p>
+    <p>Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate
+    stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending
+    themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that
+    walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether
+    our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
+    done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be
+    very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom
+    Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing
+    themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors
+    <a name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></a>or at the least Widowers; then casting out a
+    discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the
+    Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must
+    stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a
+    Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell
+    their Wives, or their father Confessors of.</p>
+    <p>Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before
+    hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour;
+    to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish
+    Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where
+    there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.</p>
+    <p>Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out
+    the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not
+    possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure,
+    to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd
+    upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their
+    considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and
+    pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition <a name="Page_179"
+    id="Page_179"></a>taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might
+    chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be
+    subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends
+    and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with
+    the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and
+    severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.</p>
+    <p>But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly
+    astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with
+    her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to
+    shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an
+    inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received;
+    and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to
+    be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and
+    faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been
+    to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at
+    quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors
+    Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and
+    telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, <a
+    name="Page_180" id="Page_180"></a>some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by <i>leger
+    de main</i>: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible
+    quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in
+    order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again
+    alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
+    finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her
+    husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating
+    her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in
+    good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.</p>
+    <p>All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of
+    the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so
+    much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again
+    with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited
+    to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
+    further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as
+    matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate14.png"><img src="images/plate14_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 14" title="" /></a><br />
+    65<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a>The Fourth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest.</i></h3>
+    <p>As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less
+    admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the
+    World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house
+    keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily,
+    those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
+    stars.</p>
+    <p>It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable multitude of
+    glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple
+    receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they
+    Lording over it.</p>
+    <p>You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to
+    your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron
+    Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out
+    to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble
+    Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an
+    object!<a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a></p>
+    <p>Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence
+    be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times
+    it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places
+    were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
+    coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country
+    and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the
+    other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any
+    sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a
+    Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both
+    shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.</p>
+    <p>And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first
+    to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the
+    command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony
+    which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is
+    appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
+    should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid
+    out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are
+    without end, name or number, and <a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a>it is
+    impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise
+    the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new
+    things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to
+    have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her
+    Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.</p>
+    <p>And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums,
+    according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and
+    an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that
+    belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility,
+    demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.</p>
+    <p>Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what
+    condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her
+    husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive
+    whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might
+    come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see
+    and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward
+    or gone backward in the World.</p>
+    <p>And what's more yet, it would be a great <a name="Page_184"
+    id="Page_184"></a>shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her
+    husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she
+    should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
+    hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to
+    puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And
+    on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband
+    to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the
+    Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is
+    most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is
+    so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if
+    he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that
+    she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
+    imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they
+    ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth,
+    the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the
+    Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and <a name="Page_185"
+    id="Page_185"></a>like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the
+    effect.</p>
+    <p>In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight,
+    in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a
+    difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get
+    Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife
+    seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable
+    suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or
+    other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the
+    stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own
+    pleasure.</p>
+    <p>And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so
+    circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for
+    all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the
+    Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in
+    his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she
+    goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as
+    possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it
+    is brought home by one or other of her trusty <a name="Page_186"
+    id="Page_186"></a>acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like
+    some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her
+    a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was
+    making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such
+    a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years,
+    &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon
+    how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to
+    cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire
+    her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her.
+    To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though
+    it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker
+    is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let
+    them see it.</p>
+    <p>In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and
+    hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be
+    sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of
+    necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left
+    to, by the decease of some friend, &amp;c.<a name="Page_187" id="Page_187"></a></p>
+    <p>Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away
+    and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole
+    pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;)
+    although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this
+    belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a
+    pain, patience is the best remedy.</p>
+    <p>But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young <i>Toby</i>, have
+    found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living
+    in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority;
+    but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom
+    of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife
+    wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your
+    family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.</p>
+    <p>And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the
+    Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the
+    consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that
+    to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and
+    pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, <a
+    name="Page_188" id="Page_188"></a>who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing,
+    that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet
+    know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the
+    mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably
+    and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one
+    year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they
+    do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.</p>
+    <p>These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because
+    this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing
+    to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift
+    of the Cash.</p>
+    <p>But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and
+    pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such
+    casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too
+    late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before
+    its half finished are weary of it. Therefore</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><i>To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,<br />
+    For many do repent, untill that they be dead;<br />
+    But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,<br />
+    A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate15.png"><img src="images/plate15_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 15" title="" /></a><br />
+    60<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189"></a>The Fifth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of
+    time is discovered</i>.</h3>
+    <p>Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht,
+    when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom
+    is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the
+    Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes
+    and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so
+    great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent
+    <i>Abigail</i>, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and
+    to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.</p>
+    <p>Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and
+    take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their
+    bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it.
+    Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to
+    their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a
+    laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no
+    labour <a name="Page_190" id="Page_190"></a>irksom, no morning too early, nor no
+    evening too late for them.</p>
+    <p>But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their
+    vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies
+    in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there
+    must, by every one in his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they
+    can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she
+    perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to
+    be.</p>
+    <p>If it be <i>Doctor of Physick</i>, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he
+    must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the
+    Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else
+    should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who
+    yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before
+    he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat
+    so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one
+    draught, to whip off a lusty glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the
+    Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him,
+    it causes the better operation.<a name="Page_191" id="Page_191"></a></p>
+    <p>Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't,
+    what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a
+    guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his
+    Art so perfect in his Pate.</p>
+    <p>For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a
+    Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him
+    for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both
+    so Silver clean!</p>
+    <p>Turn you about now to the <i>Counsellors</i>, and see how their Studies are all on
+    Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth,
+    this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their
+    measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to
+    sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal
+    worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they
+    may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.</p>
+    <p>Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with
+    Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes,
+    in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient
+    Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command <a name="Page_192"
+    id="Page_192"></a>freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the
+    Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their
+    concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase
+    a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this part may have the better
+    gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony,
+    which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some
+    body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment
+    received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only
+    taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by
+    the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing
+    Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.</p>
+    <p>By these the Foolwise <i>Notary's</i> for the most part join themselves; making
+    their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern,
+    about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of
+    Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge
+    who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence
+    then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a
+    Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two <a name="Page_193"
+    id="Page_193"></a>witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses;
+    bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain.
+    Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.</p>
+    <p>The like knowledge have also the <i>Merchants</i>, <i>Shop-keepers,</i> and others
+    who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable,
+    give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships,
+    Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then
+    a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or
+    occasion for any such sort of businesses.</p>
+    <p>And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of
+    people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of <i>brave
+    Negotiants</i>, their principallest aim is to obtain the name of <i>great
+    News-mongers,</i> and that hath so much tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a
+    person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.</p>
+    <p>Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring
+    what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know
+    what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what
+    Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling <a name="Page_194"
+    id="Page_194"></a>and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made
+    ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of
+    all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only
+    tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.</p>
+    <p>These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time
+    by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the
+    taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate,
+    or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most
+    remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike,
+    nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.</p>
+    <p>There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only
+    about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours
+    together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are
+    a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest
+    themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water
+    Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.</p>
+    <p>And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason that some
+    men, <a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a>in the Summer time, take their pleasure
+    most part of the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their
+    afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and Spaw-water. And
+    when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are early at the Strong-water
+    Shop; and in the evening late in the Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week
+    precisely, and that more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be
+    found at the Playhouses.</p>
+    <p>Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures in a Coach,
+    or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along the high ways, from one
+    Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and at every place where they see but a
+    conveniency to stable their Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an
+    infinite deal of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to
+    be chatting and chaffering with.</p>
+    <p>These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and Barges, who
+    with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all their occupations; nay,
+    although they were never so important, yet the very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows
+    not only all business out of their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops
+    and Counting-houses.</p>
+    <p>Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading
+    of their<a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a> Sails, hailing up their Spreet and
+    Leeboards, and all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home
+    they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the World, nay can
+    hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a gallant and pleasant day of weather,
+    would be a crime unpardonable.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,<br />
+    Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't.</i></p>
+    <p>Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the forenoon
+    precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the
+    week both morning and afternoon at their Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite
+    pleasure, hushing up their Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take;
+    looking upon the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending
+    the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light
+    Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and
+    making so much provision for their young ones, that they let both their own young,
+    and the house-keeping, run to destruction.</p>
+    <p>But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon certain
+    penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the Cock-pit; and there, before
+    the Battel begins, consume two or three hours at Tables, and in<a name="Page_197"
+    id="Page_197"></a> Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend there the coming of
+    their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. Here then a view must be taken of
+    each others Cocks, which are forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart
+    in their Coops either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most
+    convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if they were
+    persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great valour. Not a word must be
+    spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting.
+    Here Master Capon vaunts that his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag
+    of Sir John Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks
+    before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire Owls-eg, and claw'd
+    him off severely.</p>
+    <p>Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from
+    several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the Battel; hanging them up there in
+    ample form till it be their turns to fight. And there also you may behold Lord
+    Spendall brought thither in his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less
+    state; but seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of
+    Guinneys.</p>
+    <p>Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep alwaies six
+    and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of <a name="Page_198"
+    id="Page_198"></a>the Pit; never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his
+    ordinary dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs too, half
+    a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his reckoning in his pocket. But
+    if they both begin to appear with their Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear
+    Gentlemen, here comes the honour of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have
+    out of each Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a
+    Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the reckoning half a Crown
+    <i>extra</i> for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and chafing it by the fire, &amp;c.
+    But for this, they have the honour also to be in the Chamber with the principallest
+    Gentlemen, to sit in the best places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like
+    prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements
+    touching the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations,
+    Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or heard of in the
+    principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.</p>
+    <p>It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a Niggard, should
+    carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part must be given and generously
+    spent with the company. This is the duty of every one, whose Cock hath beaten
+    anothers out of the Pit, and went away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter
+    <a name="Page_199" id="Page_199"></a>if it were all spent, its no such great peece of
+    business; the honours more worth then the mony.</p>
+    <p>In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with the Table
+    covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for the coming home of him,
+    who seems to find and take more pleasure in Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock
+    himself to enter into the Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure
+    of marriage on the mens side.</p>
+    <p>But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath more pleasure
+    then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the feeding, clipping, salving,
+    and anointing of them, &amp;c. then ten good Nurses, and put them all together. And
+    moreover he hath all the pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and
+    tickle their fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the
+    more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the less.</p>
+    <p>And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies him down very
+    orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about the Curtains and Vallians
+    with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he did, for the same purpose, suck out all the
+    Cocks-Egshels, it would be a much more rare and pleasant sight.</p>
+    <p>There is yet another sort of men, which we <a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a>in
+    like manner find, that consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their
+    mony with Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with
+    Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their Dogs together,
+    and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony
+    must be set or stak'd down, though they hardly know how to find as much more again in
+    the whole World, and there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and
+    flesh in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the Wager be,
+    in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go themselves, and thump and
+    knock one another till they look more like beasts then men.</p>
+    <p>This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs at the Bear
+    Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be screw'd up to the highest, how
+    to get mony to make good their wagers; though Wife, House and Family should sink in
+    the mean while: Then away they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden,
+    and then the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at her,
+    and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the belly with her horns,
+    and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is much laught at; but his Master, very
+    earnestly and tenderly, catching him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he
+    comes off <a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a>with little better success: Then his
+    Adversary lets loose his Dog at the Bull, who running close with his belly to the
+    ground, fastens under the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking
+    and roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie caps and
+    hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this most noble victory.</p>
+    <p>Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the Bearard having
+    brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns him about, so that he may see
+    the Dog, that's to play at him; the Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel
+    strong Cur rises up to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no
+    small joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then there's
+    pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the Adversary let's fly his
+    Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being furious and angry that he was so plagu'd
+    with the first Dog, claps his paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he
+    howls and runs; there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see
+    the stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no mony at
+    home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth him worst of all, is,
+    that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.</p>
+    <p>But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate the
+    Confession of <a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a>another sort of Men; who are
+    generally of a longing temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay,
+    sometimes do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never so
+    damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>When Women long, it harms by chance,<br />
+    But mens desire's a worser dance.</i></p>
+    <p>And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to Women-kind; in so
+    much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon day, say to their
+    Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun,
+    half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a
+    multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted
+    neither beer nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd
+    persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate their longing
+    appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring
+    Caviart, with all their appurtenances. Much more their liquorishness at Oisters,
+    where they stand greedily swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves
+    time to send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.</p>
+    <p>If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some pleasure of
+    it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, <a name="Page_203"
+    id="Page_203"></a>that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily
+    satisfie their longing appetites.</p>
+    <p>Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to make use of
+    it in the company of women; although there be now a daies so much formality used with
+    it, and so much time idly spent in the consumption of it, that it seems almost as if
+    this herb were found out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the
+    occasion of an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have
+    intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons throughout the
+    whole City. And wo be to them that have the least symptom of a meazle upon their
+    tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are
+    the best News-Mongers for all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all
+    Kingdoms; and when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if they
+    had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes Courts; but
+    especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the Water be changed in to
+    Wine.</p>
+    <p>Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to know what
+    passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some hours, stand prating in
+    the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what news is there, what Pamphlets, what
+    Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; <a
+    name="Page_204" id="Page_204"></a>and then they must buy and read them, let it cost
+    what it will.</p>
+    <p>Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great prudence,
+    discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of the supreamest persons in
+    authority; and in their own imaginations know more then both the Houses of Lords and
+    Commons. Although they never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know
+    to the weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of the
+    three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which many times takes
+    such a deep root and impression upon them, and touches them so to the very heart,
+    that they absolutely forget the governing of their needfull affairs which they went
+    out about; for when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
+    person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own business, that he
+    can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, observe not
+    these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves easily to be fopt off by
+    their husbands; or else by a gentle salutation are appeased; but others who are
+    cunninger in the cares of their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these
+    doings with eys of pleasure.</p>
+    <p>Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and <a name="Page_205"
+    id="Page_205"></a>is naught else but a kind of a scabbiness that the most
+    accomplishedst marriages are infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus
+    neglect their times, and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are
+    diligent in looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do come
+    home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.</p>
+    <p>But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, that it
+    seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans contradiction, thinking,
+    that all what ever they do, is absolutely perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the
+    contrary, when their Wives go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what
+    time they ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to the
+    nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, concerning Laces,
+    Cookery, and other houshold occasions.</p>
+    <p>But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two agree so
+    well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in taking care of their
+    charge. That your husband many times saith unto you his houswife, my Dear, it is a
+    curious fair day, go walk abroad, and give a visit to some or other of your good
+    acquaintance; I shall tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of
+    all things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &amp;c. And you again in like
+    manner, <a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a>upon a good occasion, releeve your
+    husband, and take delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
+    pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.</p>
+    <p>If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes spend a
+    penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for you, because you know
+    that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and every fool must have one or t'other
+    bawble to play with.</p>
+    <p>You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the Tavern or
+    with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and Pembrooks Arcadia, did so
+    inchant you, that they forc't the mony out of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in
+    your Maiden estate with very good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may
+    therefore think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will have
+    somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they are busie with
+    that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis also undeniable, that men
+    cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their affairs; for verily if they be so, they are
+    for the most part great <i>Peep in the Pots</i> and directers of their Wives, who
+    have certainly their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
+    greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the actions of her
+    husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of <a name="Page_207"
+    id="Page_207"></a>his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
+    passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at night be so
+    earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.</p>
+    <p>'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of love, that a
+    woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if he keep no correspondence
+    with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and
+    waited upon, forsooth, to a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife
+    brings in the Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
+    happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these smaller sort
+    of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition between man and wife, and
+    continually talk of new Taverns and Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they
+    alwaies know where there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak,
+    as soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight, that we saw
+    you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the t'other, 'twas at the <i>Blew
+    Boar</i>, where I drunk the delicatest Wine that ever my lips tasted. You never
+    tasted the like on't. If I should live a thousand year, the tast would never be out
+    of my thoughts. Nay, if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of
+    those Grapes. Words cannot possibly<a name="Page_208" id="Page_208"></a> Decipher or
+    express the tast, though <i>Tully</i> himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk
+    of it, would make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
+    immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that you will, as well
+    as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and away they go: But it is not long
+    before you see those roses blossoming in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and
+    colour a neat draught is taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the
+    t'other Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he tasted a
+    Glass in Master <i>Empty Vessels</i> Cellar that was far delicater, and that he would
+    far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he acknowledges this to be very good. But the
+    pint being out, the first word is, <i>Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other
+    pint of the same Wine.</i> And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
+    the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good Wine. And this
+    pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, <i>All good things consist in
+    three:</i> so that we must have the t'other pint. Where upon the second saith, As
+    soon as this is out, we will go with the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean
+    Pints, to tast his and this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and
+    thus by the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that it is
+    impossible for them to depart from one <a name="Page_209" id="Page_209"></a>another,
+    because they every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
+    few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally squencht; not only
+    drawing men mightily out of their business, but keeping them late out from their
+    families; and making them like incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence
+    proceeds, that when they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well
+    to their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl or chide
+    with.</p>
+    <p>To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter, Kings Arms,
+    and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they commonly make their bargains
+    for buying and selling of Goods and Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before
+    they have spent a large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
+    thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very subtlely upon
+    the catch to overreach another in a good and advantagious bargain; by which means
+    they themselves are somtimes catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown
+    commodity, that they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there
+    they stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and know not
+    which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have made; in this manner,
+    bringing their<a name="Page_210" id="Page_210"></a> Wives and Children (if they let
+    them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for nothing of
+    grumbling and mumbling.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><span class="i2"><i>Some sorts of men,</i></span> <span
+    class="i2"><i>Are Tyrants when,</i></span> <i>Their thirsty Souls are
+    fill'd:</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They scold sore hot</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>Like</i> Peep
+    in th' Pot</span> <i>And never can be still'd.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They talk and prate</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>At such a
+    rate,</i></span> <i>And think of nought but evil;</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They fight and brawl,</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>And Wives do
+    mawl,</i></span> <i>Though all run for the Divel.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>But at their draugh,</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>They quaff
+    and laugh</i></span> <i>Amongst their fellow creatures.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>They swear and tear</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>And never
+    fear</i></span> <i>Old</i> Nick <i>in his worst features.</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>Who would but say</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>Then, by the
+    way</i></span> <i>That Woman is distressed,</i><br />
+    <span class="i2"><i>Who must indure</i></span> <span class="i2"><i>An
+    Epicure</i></span> <i>With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.</i></p>
+    <p>In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are hot-headed with
+    <a name="Page_211" id="Page_211"></a>multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the
+    bad examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there are that will
+    in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they were their companions, into a
+    Tavern without making any sort of difference; and also, when there is a necessity or
+    occasion for it, know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence
+    and respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over their
+    children.</p>
+    <p>Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen, and his
+    son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some important affairs; but seeing
+    that at every Inn where they came, that his fellow-travellers were resolute blades,
+    and that he must pay as deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full
+    share of all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in the
+    ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter, drink; And as he
+    recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself very diligently lost no time to
+    get his share; which continued so long that going out of the chamber for their
+    necessities, they both fell into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms,
+    the son said, Father! are we not now like brothers?</p>
+    <p>By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples, may do. But
+    <a name="Page_212" id="Page_212"></a>you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear
+    this sort of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of excessive
+    drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent Taverns and Ale-houses;
+    and if he doth go once among good acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary,
+    which is but seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
+    he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the highest, or
+    those that make it their business, or spend their times in the Summer with going a
+    Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon which sort of Gentlemen this old rime
+    was made:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,<br />
+    Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing.</i></p>
+    <p>But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs; and for the
+    pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market, there buies a good joint of
+    meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready, and sits down and eats it with his beloved:
+    Then when he and you have very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or
+    three glas of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up stairs
+    into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for greater Pleasure then
+    this!</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213"></a>O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well
+    as your husband you can keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or
+    condition is there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly and
+    well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly once in a thousand
+    times that a match falls out so well. And although it did, yet it is not free from a
+    thousand crosses and dissatisfactions, which are done unto you either by children,
+    wicked friends, or somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they
+    were all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief and horror
+    in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it self. But one pound of the
+    hony of sweet love, can easily balance a hundred weight of that terrible and bitter
+    Wormwood.</p>
+    <p>But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young Gentlewomen, who
+    being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that doth not start back with a thousand
+    troublesom cogitations; and beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at
+    the least possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with some
+    what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel in his sences,
+    jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his companions; and that is more
+    then all these, keeps hid a certain imbecility <a name="Page_214"
+    id="Page_214"></a>in his defective nature; which is no waies to be discovered till
+    the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.</p>
+    <p>This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for marrying.
+    But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider, the weaknesses, strange
+    humors, and deficiences, that the most gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to;
+    experience will teach us, that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one
+    Tree.</p>
+    <p>And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike natured meet
+    together; but if two of contrary humors happen together, there is nothing to be
+    expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction; unless it happen that the understanding
+    of the one knows extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
+    letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may the prudentlier
+    sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the Haven of the Pleasures of
+    Marriage, whereas others on the contrary suffer most miserable Shipwrack.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate16.png"><img src="images/plate16_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 16" title="" /></a><br />
+    116<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215"></a>The Sixth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel for the
+    unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured.</i></h3>
+    <p>Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it is none of
+    the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming that she will act the part
+    of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of
+    jesting, and presently bawl and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some
+    other ill name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now a
+    daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for farthings a peece,
+    there would be less spectators, then there was to see the Sheep with five legs, or
+    the great Crocodile.</p>
+    <p>Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect these
+    Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of the breeches, must be
+    understood that they are over Lorded, and that the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O
+    miserable man, if your head be possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be
+    removed! Verily, if you had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the
+    Breeches, you would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
+    be <a name="Page_216" id="Page_216"></a>rid of them, if he could but get the lining
+    untorn or indamaged; for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of
+    those pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the better sort
+    of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the gaining of the Breeches,
+    wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were
+    all beaten out of fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
+    them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this wonderfull and
+    destructive War would never have risen to that fury. Therefore it is no small
+    prudence of the Women in these daies, who are descended from that family, to take
+    care, at the very first, for the good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be
+    well preserved.</p>
+    <p>But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we consider the
+    husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not in the highest degree
+    necessary, that she should have also a part of the masculine knowledge and authority?
+    Besides, women must be silent in Politick and Church-government, why should not they
+    have somthing to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly, that
+    the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be going hither or thither
+    to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to smoke <a name="Page_217"
+    id="Page_217"></a>a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if
+    then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers in the Shop,
+    or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should not in some measure shew
+    that she had in part the Breeches on, and that she could in the absence of her
+    Captain, take care of his Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept
+    in order, and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as mention
+    that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so excessive careless, that
+    if they had not had the good fortunes to get notable sharp-witted young women to
+    their Wives; they of themselves would have been quickly out of breath, and might now
+    perhaps be found in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.</p>
+    <p>O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand, to defend and
+    protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and houskeeping; why should not you have as
+    great commendations given you, as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times?
+    and who would not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront or
+    bespatter you?</p>
+    <p>I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that will be
+    relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken Nabal, he was well
+    instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and how little that he would <a
+    name="Page_218" id="Page_218"></a>obey or listen to the commands of so brave a
+    Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds or
+    provocatives they have given her for so doing.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad natured women,
+    as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, had alwaies a Lawfull excuse
+    or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was Socrates's wife, think that she had reason
+    enough on her side to scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured
+    Philosopher, and to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss.
+    Or that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to govern that sage
+    and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no means, for then that hot-spirited,
+    and high minded sex would prick up their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy
+    would all these hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands,
+    as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would be cropt in
+    the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.</p>
+    <p>Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and all your
+    delight is to please each others fancy: you have no difference about the Supremacy;
+    for the Authority of the one is alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more
+    because your husband never commands you as if you were <a name="Page_219"
+    id="Page_219"></a>a Maid; but with the sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my
+    Dearest, will you bid the Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that,
+    &amp;c. Oh if you could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how
+    happily and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many times, that
+    the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and grow to be so free, that
+    they will be solely and totally Master; and if their husbands through
+    kind-heartedness have given them a little more then ordinary liberty, they will have
+    the last word in spight of fate.</p>
+    <p>So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first and
+    Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, thought her self wise
+    enough to govern all things, and to bring him to her Bow; which, by degrees, to his
+    great discontent, did more and more increase in matters of the housekeeping.</p>
+    <p>But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having bought a
+    delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be his guest; and going home
+    with it, his wife powts, maunders and mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw
+    well enough how welcome he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to
+    remove this, which was in some measure done.</p>
+    <p>But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a couple of
+    delicate Pullets, <a name="Page_220" id="Page_220"></a>and sends them home with a
+    Porter; but the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of
+    them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back again: The good
+    man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the cross-grainedness of his wife, sends
+    them to a Tavern to be made ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to
+    dispatch them, and dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when
+    he came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and must serve
+    her for a future example. And she on the contrary persisting in her stif-necked ill
+    nature, made a path-road for the ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards,
+    to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the
+    breeches solely to his wife.</p>
+    <p>Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent handsom
+    Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured Gentleman; but the
+    Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a Doctor, acted the part of a
+    Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch
+    that all his sweet expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her
+    rage; yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. But he
+    seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and that she grew the longer
+    the more furious, <a name="Page_221" id="Page_221"></a>locks the dore to, and catches
+    her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open
+    a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the remaining part of that dance. Away she
+    flies immediately to her Father and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her
+    ill-natured obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the
+    intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce concluded on, which
+    did not long continue so. For she, beginning again her former wicked actions, made
+    him run to the Tavern there to allay his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the
+    Breeches. But now they are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.</p>
+    <p>Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good mild-natured
+    husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her authority and wickedness so
+    much the more over him; yea so far, that in the presence of several neighbors she
+    oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every
+    one <i>The incarnate Divel</i>. But he, after some years of suffering this martyrdom,
+    hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to cast himself away upon this
+    Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of him, being a just punishment, such a beloved,
+    that he thunderd her three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then
+    flew Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and <a name="Page_222"
+    id="Page_222"></a>gingling along the flore, and she on the top of them, well and warm
+    covered with good thumps and fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the
+    hair of the head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who can
+    but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to feel the least
+    motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the more, because that we see that
+    this present World is so mightily replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked
+    and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered
+    locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will be
+    agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being married, they abandon
+    all rationality, make their own passions their masters, and cannot understand by any
+    means the pleasures of their husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily
+    experience, that there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon
+    the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind compliance of their
+    Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand wonders and is as yet the most
+    powerfull to drive all stuborn and ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and
+    can lead them, as it were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and
+    Love.</p>
+    <p>O happy Women, who, in this manner have <a name="Page_223" id="Page_223"></a>the
+    hearts of men in your hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will;
+    what means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind actions to gain
+    the same on your side! you certainly know, that the main Butt which is aim'd at by
+    all mankind, is to pass through this short life of ours with pleasure and quietness:
+    But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath
+    hapned upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?</p>
+    <p>Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves to be led
+    away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or strangle themselves in
+    the curled locks of women; but would imbrace their kind naturedness to be the
+    surpassingest beauty.</p>
+    <p>But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of so many,
+    that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all
+    exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a pit of infinite horrors and
+    vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two
+    thousand pound, then a mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand
+    Vertues.</p>
+    <p>This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when he gave out
+    his commands that no Parents should give any portions with their Daughters in
+    marriage, or might leave them any thing for an inheritance; <a name="Page_224"
+    id="Page_224"></a>because he would not have them to be desired in marriage by any,
+    but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious remained, just as now
+    doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and cast aside, and every Maid was hereby
+    spur'd up, that her Vertues might in brightness and splendor surpass others.</p>
+    <p>Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts of Lycurgus,
+    have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is beautifull, rich, good
+    natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know her well, that you might the better
+    woe her, and so be happy in marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and
+    wandring Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of
+    marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast your selves upon
+    an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the Breeches already on, and will
+    vex you with all the torments imaginable in the World. Do but use these few remedies
+    for your squandered brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune
+    and tranquility.</p>
+    <div class="blkquot">
+      <p>Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are
+      insulting, self-conceited, and proud.</p>
+      <p>Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine
+      themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.</p>
+      <p><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225"></a>Shun those who are much lesser then your
+      self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much
+      prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than
+      another indeavour to domineer over her husband.</p>
+      <p>Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.</p>
+      <p>Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently
+      considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.</p>
+      <p>Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not
+      given to the Gods themselves.</p>
+      <p>Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know
+      how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.</p>
+      <p>If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage
+      upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles
+      that that estate is subject to.</p>
+    </div>
+    <p>If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much
+    assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the
+    Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill
+    condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as
+    thought of, or expected from her.<a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a> Cornelius
+    Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives,
+    e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they
+    be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if they be
+    dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the
+    wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell
+    not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea
+    of repentances.</p>
+    <p>And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no
+    remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid
+    natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious
+    Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish
+    fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will
+    expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of
+    him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.</p>
+    <div class="blkquot">
+      <p>Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.</p>
+      <p>Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family.
+      For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.<a
+      name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a></p>
+      <p>Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue
+      is the greatest Gentility.</p>
+      <p>Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are
+      of an evill reput.</p>
+      <p class="poem"><i>To be a lover of such houses,<br />
+      Makes him to think of other Spouses</i>.</p>
+      <p>If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.</p>
+      <p>Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very
+      gain is loss.</p>
+      <p>Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for
+      nothing.</p>
+      <p>If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not
+      to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.</p>
+    </div>
+    <p>In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of
+    a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental
+    corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures,
+    even as if they were a Looking-glass.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <h2><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228"></a>The Seventh Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave housekeepers.
+    They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their Children.</i></h3>
+    <p>It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing flourished so
+    nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a whole drawer full of mony out
+    of the Counter in to the Counting-house; and then the good woman had alwaies two or
+    three hours work to sort it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but
+    it seems that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our dissatisfied
+    Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our Nativity, that there are very few
+    who have not now just causes enough to complain.</p>
+    <p>And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that
+    short time that you have been married, experience that things do not alwaies run upon
+    wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true you possess the Pleasure of an
+    indifferent Trade, as well as the rest of your Neighbours; but it is not in any
+    measure to be compared with those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they
+    could lay up so much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate17.png"><img src="images/plate17_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 17" title="" /></a><br />
+    135<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a>Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks
+    you are happier then they were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous
+    frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet there
+    was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul because it alwaies
+    yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is esteemed to be very nobly done, and
+    people take an absolute delight in it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much
+    together, that they may keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children
+    indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are imposed upon them.
+    In good truth, they that can do this now, are worthy of as much credit and
+    reputation, as those were that prospered much in former daies; and their Pleasure
+    ought not to be lesser then the others before was.</p>
+    <p>O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess now as
+    great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their plentifull daies. Verily,
+    your gain is comparatively better then theirs, because you are satisfied with so much
+    less; and by consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the
+    easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many knives behind
+    you that may cut your childrens throats.</p>
+    <p>Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you can hardly
+    tell <a name="Page_230" id="Page_230"></a>how to keep both ends together; then
+    comfort your selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your
+    marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as diligently search
+    after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and good Trading.</p>
+    <p>But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then increases;
+    because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad paiment; and where ever you
+    run or go to dun, you find no body at home, but return back to your house with empty
+    pockets. For there is Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in
+    their Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the Goods, which
+    they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration of a full year, are not yet
+    paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in
+    his Counting-house or at the Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so
+    much as to look upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of Exchange, and that
+    Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood
+    and Coals must be bought, the Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of
+    Butter, and provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several
+    other sorts of necessaries for the<a name="Page_231" id="Page_231"></a> Family that
+    will be wanting. Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of
+    concluding the year in Pleasure.</p>
+    <p>But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you live, you would
+    not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these affairs very joifully for
+    extraordinary Pleasures.</p>
+    <p>Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and have meant
+    with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things were to be done with
+    kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle fadles; but now you are come to a more
+    sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent
+    conduct that your Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about
+    your Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you are grown to
+    be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And great Juno laught, that Venus
+    hath so long hoodwink'd you.</p>
+    <p>Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but observe how
+    prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect and diligent you begin to be
+    that you may get through the World with honour, commendations, and good respect; how
+    like a care taking Father you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole
+    Family. Oh if your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this
+    your advancement; <a name="Page_232" id="Page_232"></a>which are indeed the upright
+    Pleasures of Marriage. For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along
+    with them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to the
+    World.</p>
+    <p>Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid great rent,
+    only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to consider with
+    understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less price would not serve as well,
+    in which you might have a Chamber or two that you could let out to some civil
+    Gentlemen, who might diet with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some
+    profit in besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to
+    Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work accordingly. And
+    moreover, you have good company of them in your house, and alwaies either one or
+    another at dinner begins to relate some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually
+    very pleasurable and delightfull to be heard.</p>
+    <p>Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath not been
+    these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased her fancy better: for now
+    her husband will have some pastime, and good company at home, so that he needs not go
+    to seek it in the evening in Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here
+    how one may learn <a name="Page_233" id="Page_233"></a>through honest Time and
+    Experience, what Pleasures they are accompanied with?</p>
+    <p>But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such guests, you'l see
+    how they will plague you; for the general imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that
+    all the monies they spend, is pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies
+    ought to provide such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be
+    never so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but they will
+    be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and that too much salt,
+    &amp;c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all what's in the house, must be at
+    their commands; nay be readier and nimbler to serve them then their Master and
+    Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and
+    table. It happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners after
+    them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more work with them alone,
+    then the whole house-keeping besides.</p>
+    <p>This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any thing of a
+    worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in the mornings to
+    Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; where they so disguise
+    themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest people who are in the Shop, or
+    standing upon the flore, that sees <a name="Page_234" id="Page_234"></a>them either
+    come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able to stand; besides they value
+    not if they tarry out late at nights; and, if it be possible, they will intice the
+    good man of the house to debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from
+    private chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.</p>
+    <p>But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the mother of all
+    things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is alwaies pleasure and delight
+    to be expected for the good man, because the good woman by this means increaseth to
+    more knowledge of housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent
+    mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.</p>
+    <p>Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and behold with
+    clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is advanced in understanding
+    and knowledge; I do assure you, you will find your self as ravisht with joy; because
+    this is as great a transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning
+    of your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of large Venetian
+    Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich
+    Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever else was needfull for neatness and gallantry;
+    we see now, that all her sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save
+    and spare all things, and to take <a name="Page_235" id="Page_235"></a>care that
+    there may not so much as a match negligently be thrown away.</p>
+    <p>Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of knowledge, to
+    walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the streets, finically trickt up with
+    powdered locks, and a laced Gorget and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least,
+    three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be
+    put to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of walking or
+    riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now on the contrary, seeing
+    the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage
+    for the family; without so much as setting one foot out of her House or Counter
+    unnecessarily. Never thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all
+    her delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and servants.
+    Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and setting her a spinning, to
+    keep the sleep out of her eys; and with this intent also that she may have the
+    delight to get yarn enough ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be
+    woven for the service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before
+    she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave houswife. And
+    that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough stoutly.<a name="Page_236"
+    id="Page_236"></a></p>
+    <p>O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so many Pleasures
+    of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in that most illustrious
+    School!</p>
+    <p>'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will say, is this
+    that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married! Is
+    this the Gentlewoman that used to go so costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now
+    with a plain wastcoat! alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well,
+    is this the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make a shift
+    with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and her diet with doing the
+    house work? it must certainly ly very nastily and sluttishly at her house.</p>
+    <p>'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse the Sun of
+    your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O well matcht Couple,
+    through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten such prudent eys that you can
+    easily see through such vain and simple Clouds.</p>
+    <p>But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow comes out of
+    the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and suffer themselves daily to be
+    durrid; who are continually pratling with the Neighbors, and gadding along the
+    streets; they take notice of <a name="Page_237" id="Page_237"></a>every dore that
+    opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no understanding to govern it; the
+    dishes, pots and pans are alwaies standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches
+    and Stools are all covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the
+    Windows are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. Whose
+    first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by reason of these sad
+    times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their houskeeping. If we wash the glass
+    windows, they are in danger of breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any
+    losses. And these ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and
+    no body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are seldom to be
+    found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the occasion that their houses,
+    children and Maids stink of filth and sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the
+    elbous, and their stockins out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the
+    Alehouses, and seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the
+    sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that all is consumed,
+    and they both fly damnably in debt to their Creditors.</p>
+    <p>Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the unhappy state and
+    condition of these venomous controulers of others: And on the contrary, you may
+    perceive how <a name="Page_238" id="Page_238"></a>happy the bad times, like a prudent
+    Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and delight it imparts unto
+    you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys,
+    indeavor the maintenance and setting up of your Family. Be assured, that this care
+    and frugality will so root it self in your very bones, that although the times
+    changed and grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the
+    good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your children such riches
+    and good examples, that they will follow your footsteps of carefulness with delight,
+    and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good
+    extraction: which if it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst
+    Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate18.png"><img src="images/plate18_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 18" title="" /></a><br />
+    251<br />
+    Published by The Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239"></a>The Eighth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he hath no
+    mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a Scholler, commits much
+    mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a Schollerlike life is.</i></h3>
+    <p>Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is none of the
+    least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up healthfully and merrily;
+    and their stomacks in a morning are as soon open as their eys; then at noons they can
+    claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about
+    four of the clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion;
+    insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their teeth bleed. O it
+    is such a delight to see that they continually grow up so slovenly and wastfully in
+    their cloaths, that they must needs have every half year almost a new suit, and that
+    alwaies a little bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a
+    son to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her caretakester and
+    controulster of the Kitchin.</p>
+    <p>Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to another. O how
+    happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and courteous, and grow up in
+    obedience, and <a name="Page_240" id="Page_240"></a>according to your example! But we
+    see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own
+    wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.</p>
+    <p>Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; for having
+    been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or Merchant Tailors School; he is
+    then inveagled by some of the neighbors sons to go with them to learn the Italian or
+    French language; to which purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a
+    little way out of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such
+    a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the night for
+    it.</p>
+    <p>What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the necessity you have
+    for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient
+    occasions in the City; but what helps it, the fear of drawing the child from that
+    which he has so much a mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune
+    consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away he's sent
+    then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk furnisht, with all manner of
+    linnen and cloaths, with other toys and sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to
+    boot.</p>
+    <p>Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he wants. Which
+    is, with recommendations of being saving and <a name="Page_241"
+    id="Page_241"></a>diligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the
+    Parents, if they do but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight
+    and pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew him their
+    great love and affection.</p>
+    <p>But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no small
+    matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to so much charge, gets
+    what he pleases, and that their minds are never at rest about him. When she, on the
+    contrary, being at home, is thrust by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or
+    kept close to her needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some
+    such sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your
+    brother comes home he shall keep the shop.</p>
+    <p>This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great
+    Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks such good Latin and Italian,
+    and is so gentile in his behaviour: but to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say
+    what they will, talk is but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University
+    either of Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein yeelds
+    and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means resolve to it; for her
+    main aim was, that her son should be brought up in the shop; because that in the <a
+    name="Page_242" id="Page_242"></a>absence, or by decease of her husband, he might
+    then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is yet fresh in her memory, that
+    when her Brother studied at Oxford, what a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what
+    complaints there come of his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was
+    hardly a month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the City
+    must have one or other penalty paid them.</p>
+    <p>Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less melody then
+    the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he can meet with to get out of
+    the shop; and shew himself, with all diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the
+    Tennis Court, or at the Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in
+    the evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a pleasure this
+    vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have experience know best.
+    Especially when they in the morning call their son to confession, and between Anger
+    and Love catechize him with severall natural and kind reproofs.</p>
+    <p>'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. What remedy?
+    turn it, and wind it so as you will.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>The son his mind to study is full bent,<br />
+    Or else will live upon his yearly rent.</i></p>
+    <p>Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. Here also the
+    <a name="Page_243" id="Page_243"></a>imaginations of incapableness or want of monies
+    must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready
+    way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running
+    after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools
+    are too damn'd costly. So that now the Parents have true experience of the old
+    Proverb.</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,<br />
+    Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart.</i></p>
+    <p>Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of
+    him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and there to let him study Theology
+    being the modestest Faculty, by one of the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And
+    verily, he goes forward so nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the
+    needfull Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And moreover, the
+    Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately he was acting the domineering
+    student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but
+    through the extraordinary intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they
+    privately let him go out again.</p>
+    <p>A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning letters; his
+    quarter of <a name="Page_244" id="Page_244"></a>the years out, his Pockets empty, and
+    the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both
+    of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially,
+    if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for
+    those necessaries.</p>
+    <p>For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in
+    mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and
+    all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at
+    Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his
+    Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for
+    his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.</p>
+    <p>But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your
+    son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard,
+    he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who
+    sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are
+    worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry
+    together.</p>
+    <p>Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his
+    best Authors; and sets in place of them some<a name="Page_245" id="Page_245"></a>
+    Blocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that
+    will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry
+    to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a
+    Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose,
+    stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,<br />
+    One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book.</i></p>
+    <p>The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it
+    is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility
+    of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when
+    they see that their son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the
+    more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that
+    there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and
+    amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this
+    very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the
+    Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there
+    will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things as <a
+    name="Page_246" id="Page_246"></a>those are generally moderated and assopiated by the
+    means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.</p>
+    <p>This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly
+    loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use
+    of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let
+    them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek
+    by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.</p>
+    <p>As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how
+    debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was
+    lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small
+    fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser
+    misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.</p>
+    <p>Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who
+    for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting
+    up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their
+    purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to
+    expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built
+    a new house, caused it, by a curious<a name="Page_247" id="Page_247"></a> Workman, to
+    be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good
+    quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had
+    been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to
+    be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have
+    taken too little mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus
+    bepainted my delicately painted house.</p>
+    <p>But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into
+    those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who
+    were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled
+    their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &amp;c.
+    Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the
+    Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner,
+    Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four
+    apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as
+    moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades
+    wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick, <i>viz.</i><a name="Page_248"
+    id="Page_248"></a> Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of
+    them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where
+    he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and
+    then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from
+    each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of
+    them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that there was the
+    spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in
+    somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one
+    was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of
+    their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived,
+    till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master
+    Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man,
+    having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six
+    Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the
+    throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in
+    his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his
+    mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths,
+    there <a name="Page_249" id="Page_249"></a>cheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of
+    these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling
+    mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I
+    had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body
+    else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders;
+    saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so
+    amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth;
+    whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The
+    Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received
+    them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was
+    not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to
+    the Student.</p>
+    <p>By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true,
+    <i>Poverty is subtle</i>. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who
+    had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and
+    knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about
+    five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him
+    that his Brother was very desperately <a name="Page_250" id="Page_250"></a>sick,
+    oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he
+    must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into
+    the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he
+    rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and
+    wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a
+    Chamber, away they went without paying.</p>
+    <p>To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house,
+    two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.</p>
+    <p>'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit
+    such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended.
+    When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that
+    were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my
+    neighbors Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off these
+    planks, tear up this Post, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this
+    commander, that he would be pleased to <a name="Page_251" id="Page_251"></a>bestow
+    upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor,
+    that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a
+    lusty load upon his Wagon.</p>
+    <p>Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a
+    lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they
+    were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns,
+    but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City,
+    &amp;c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to
+    arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his
+    triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon
+    which must be written in great white Letters.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><i>Garden-Theef.</i></p>
+    <p>These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split,
+    to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for
+    his winter firing.</p>
+    <p>Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy
+    rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or
+    Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore, <a
+    name="Page_252" id="Page_252"></a>where there was none; and leaning all of them over
+    the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the
+    Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to
+    breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.</p>
+    <p>Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country
+    Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or
+    another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in
+    themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and
+    disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they
+    go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and
+    then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease,
+    &amp;c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should
+    relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat
+    or carry away.</p>
+    <p>And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or
+    Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the
+    Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the
+    Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253"></a>It hapned lately, that some Students walking
+    out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an
+    indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The
+    Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will
+    not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord
+    from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their
+    way.</p>
+    <p>Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew
+    high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his
+    strength failing him, he was with a furious blast snatcht up by the Kite from the
+    ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor
+    innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.</p>
+    <p>It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and
+    wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular,
+    are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether
+    unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.</p>
+    <p>Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, nobly
+    to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then
+    again to be treated by them: where there is an absolute <a name="Page_254"
+    id="Page_254"></a>agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their
+    Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they
+    generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords
+    drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were.
+    Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he
+    that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or
+    else flies his Country, to save it.</p>
+    <p>Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with
+    their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and
+    Swords, &amp;c. and then ply one another so close with whole bumpers of Sack and old
+    Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very
+    Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to
+    be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity
+    of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.</p>
+    <p>Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses;
+    of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of
+    body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255"></a>Some there are that oftentimes so deeply
+    ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her
+    examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
+    promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own,
+    there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so
+    neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their
+    house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know
+    infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.</p>
+    <p>Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to
+    gather and scrape all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the
+    onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty.
+    And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor
+    saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those
+    natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.</p>
+    <p>But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their wills. Which
+    oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long time in Divinity, they
+    finally turn to be some Inns of Court Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students
+    life, might in any other vocation, be cast in their teeth.</p>
+    <p>Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the <a name="Page_256"
+    id="Page_256"></a>very first they behave themselves modestly, and advance so
+    gallantly in their Studies, that it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit
+    for themselves. But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
+    commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but fastidious, unless
+    their Parents can leave or give them some considerable means; or that they through
+    their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in
+    to a rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage or
+    Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means will hardly
+    maintain them.</p>
+    <p>If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs away before
+    he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he hath not the good fortune to
+    get the two or three first causes for his Clients; and in the other, not to make
+    satisfactory cures of his first Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been
+    for the Parents if their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and
+    been obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!</p>
+    <p>But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; yet we
+    perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason that the children
+    through a contrary drift, many times disturb their Parents night rest; especially
+    when there are such kind of<a name="Page_257" id="Page_257"></a> Maids in the house,
+    that will listen to their humors and fancies.</p>
+    <p>These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the full; and
+    do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and have no occasion to look
+    out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice
+    the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on
+    their side. To that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
+    curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece of fine Lawn, or
+    Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over shadowed then covered, and may
+    the better allure the weak eys of the beholders.</p>
+    <p>These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City Maid, as well
+    as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener Swords, or stronger steels to
+    penetrate through the hearts of men, then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind
+    behaviour of women.</p>
+    <p>This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination towards her,
+    then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and indifferent fortune; nay it
+    transports him so, that they finally make use of one bed; and the son (much
+    unexpected by the Parents) is come to be Father himself. But what an inestimable
+    Pleasure of Marriage this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may
+    judge.<a name="Page_258" id="Page_258"></a> Especially, if it happens, as I saw once,
+    that the Prentice lay with his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench;
+    and the Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means marry
+    with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the Parents, that it might
+    be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than Pleasures of Marriage. So that we
+    see, although the Children be at home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain
+    under their view and tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be
+    expected, occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings up
+    children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that it would be
+    infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the Confessions. Therefore we
+    will pass by these (as if we were running a horse-race), and to shorten our journy,
+    return again to our well married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.</p>
+    <p>You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks and actions
+    that children will play. If yours act then the part of a liberal Son, or wanton
+    Student, rejoice therein that you have not brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but
+    since his Doctor saith that he is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but
+    that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
+    him to be a great man.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259"></a>For it hath many times hapned, that those who
+    have been the maddest and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to
+    be noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we could relate
+    unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the revealing of that Confession
+    would not be ill taken.</p>
+    <p>Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession of the
+    Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the contention of a
+    cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your Children, nor with their
+    fore-children, or Children of the second bed. For whatsoever happens to you now,
+    comes from a Web of your own spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all
+    infirmities; because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
+    Pleasures of Marriage.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate19.png"><img src="images/plate19_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 19" title="" /></a><br />
+    181<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <h2>The Ninth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>Of base conditioned Maid-servants.</i></h3>
+    <p>'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children take such
+    lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils; the sons acting the parts
+    of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and the Daughters of light Punks; as long as
+    these things remain so, they appear to be but very sober Pleasures <a name="Page_260"
+    id="Page_260"></a>of Marriage. But when we perceive, that these thorns being past,
+    the pleasant roses appear, and that these light hearted Students finally come to be
+    gallant Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest Pleasure
+    of Marriage that ever could be expected.</p>
+    <p>So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and airy; that
+    somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or rather be merry of an
+    evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow to be altogether mannish minded; you
+    must then conclude these are natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to
+    your expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a Prentice,
+    whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush Jacketted or gilt Midas;
+    then make your selves joyfull in the several examples that you have of others, who
+    being so married, have proved to be the best Matches; of which examples
+    multiplicities are at large prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that
+    you do herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.</p>
+    <p>But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which house-keeping
+    people have not only from children, but from base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish,
+    and ill-tongued servants; done unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the
+    foolish and stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his<a
+    name="Page_261" id="Page_261"></a> Base Viol and singing of musick, and their
+    Mistriss the playing upon the Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and
+    Orfeus to charm all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
+    it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due obedience.</p>
+    <p>Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have gotten a kind
+    natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss; immediately practice, by all means
+    possible, to rule and domineer over her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders
+    or commands, she knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to
+    order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say,
+    <i>Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and that so</i>.</p>
+    <p>And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this some times;
+    they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again as their Mistriss; and
+    dare, when they come among their tailing Gossips, brag that they can bend their
+    Mistriss to their Bow; and if their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when
+    it pleases them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with the
+    simples, a Sugar-sop, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a service
+    where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks <a name="Page_262"
+    id="Page_262"></a>sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then
+    she's damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will not
+    understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her hair-brain'd manner,
+    and gets this to an answer, <i>Jane, do it as I command you, then it is well, though
+    it were ill done. Let your Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next
+    time you must hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &amp;c.</i></p>
+    <p>How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no sooner gets out,
+    but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out servants; where she makes no smal
+    complaint of her Mistresses insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a
+    hire for her by some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the
+    ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves Children, &amp;c.
+    Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her Aunt was very sick and lay a
+    dying, and that she must go thither, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means to earn
+    double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with
+    another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to turn and wind it about every way to
+    rid her self of the one, and then to recommend another in the place. Though it be
+    mighty inconvenient for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may <a
+    name="Page_263" id="Page_263"></a>be near her lying-in, or some other pressing
+    necessity, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a Widower, and can
+    order and govern all things now according to her own mind; where she hath not the
+    name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all
+    her ill conditions, and watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very
+    cleanly and neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good humour,
+    and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves Children so well that
+    she would be helping to get one her self. To which purpose she useth all inventions
+    imaginable, running too and again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised
+    up; or comes to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side
+    with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with the key in his
+    Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with a short Coat on, stoops down
+    very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore;
+    or climbs up a ladder to rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner
+    of inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master have any
+    flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare him. For this hapned to
+    her fellow Creature who having dwelt some indifferent time with <a name="Page_264"
+    id="Page_264"></a>a Widower, he came home one evening pretty merry, and jestingly
+    talked to her about her sweetheart; <i>See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you
+    come to marry, I will give you this bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to
+    it.</i> Whereupon the Maid answered, <i>Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly
+    belongs to it, I must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it.</i> The
+    answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon
+    the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite of all his relations, he made
+    his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked,
+    cross-graind humors, that she had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of
+    both their ruines.</p>
+    <p>But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view what kind of
+    a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with her new Maid; for Goody
+    Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very honest, vertuous Maid, of a good
+    family, and gave her self security for her fidelity.</p>
+    <p>Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss perceives that
+    she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the better certainty, the
+    Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a glass that was very clean rinsed; which
+    she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at
+    it; yet before she sent her the <a name="Page_265" id="Page_265"></a>second time, she
+    takes a trencher and holds it over the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her
+    finger rubs that soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her,
+    as she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the Mistriss then
+    perceived that the round circle of the glass was impressed upon both sides of her
+    mouth and upon her forehead. Who can abstain themselves from laughter, when they see
+    such a marked sheep come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in
+    three daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more mirth
+    will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup to be jolly! You
+    have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody Busie-body vaunted of. For the future
+    she may very well say, that she is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows
+    but she may get an Angel a year the more wages for it.</p>
+    <p>But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other causes her to
+    enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to go to Church in th'afternoon,
+    tarries out till seven of the clock in the evening, tho she knows there are friends
+    invited to supper, the children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order;
+    neither is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other may
+    attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should <a name="Page_266"
+    id="Page_266"></a>go on Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after
+    Sermon I should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good
+    opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &amp;c.</p>
+    <p>She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that she has a
+    great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to retort ten cross words for
+    one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had been talking with Mistriss Sayall the
+    Cupster, who had Cupt her but the Sunday before, and then told her that she could
+    observe out of her physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible
+    signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would not be
+    above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same time Dorothy and Margery,
+    whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner prognosticated what was befallen them. These
+    did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small
+    wages, and that her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least
+    fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and Fairing.</p>
+    <p>Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody,
+    seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow
+    the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them
+    cross-grain'd; and keep <a name="Page_267" id="Page_267"></a>both of them a school
+    for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in;
+    yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but
+    do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies
+    fire in one hand and water in the t'other.</p>
+    <p>These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, with meat
+    and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries; keeping alwaies a fair
+    correspondence with the theevish Maids, which know many tricks and waies how to
+    convey it unto them; and scold and brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink
+    they thus idly and basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to
+    recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own houses serve as an
+    Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as precise at their hours, as a
+    Merchant doth at Change-time.</p>
+    <p>This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they cannot get
+    leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they do not bargain for it when
+    they hire themselves: though there are some that are not ashamed, (who dare not so
+    openly confess this) to bargain that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they
+    were extraordinary devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their
+    gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker,<a name="Page_268" id="Page_268"></a> Shoomaker,
+    Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to
+    satisfie their fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and
+    wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their husbands, beaten like
+    Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what delight they have, in being curried
+    with this sort of five-tooth'd Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs
+    they sing.</p>
+    <p>These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long aimed, and
+    so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their fingers at that which they
+    have many times thrown away upon the Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times
+    into deplorable poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable
+    people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable and terrible to
+    be related.</p>
+    <p>By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of people have
+    upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and actions of such Rubbish, were to
+    no other purpose then to foul a vast quantity of paper with a deal of trash and
+    trumpery. For many are damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy
+    Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds,
+    lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, Stinking<a
+    name="Page_269" id="Page_269"></a> Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish
+    Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have
+    come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the
+    disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a
+    Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.</p>
+    <p>This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after t'other out
+    of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in again. And is also ashamed
+    that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil
+    nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them
+    by a tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times observe how
+    wickedly they are plagued with their own.</p>
+    <p>O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a conclusion, if we
+    should set all things down according to their worth and value! Certainly every one
+    would, to that purpose, want a Clark in their own Family.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <h2><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270"></a>The Tenth Pleasure.</h2>
+    <h3><i>An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous. And the
+    Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be divorced.</i></h3>
+    <p>As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people; and
+    congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on the contrary, we
+    many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable
+    housekeeping and Children, it occasions and raises a coolness in the affections;
+    insomuch that it disquiets their rest, and they consume the whole night many times
+    with flying fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of
+    Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &amp;c. because the emptness of
+    their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too much impedes them. And their
+    yearly rents are so small and uncertain, that there runs away many times more in
+    reparations and taxations annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions
+    disquiet. From this it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a
+    wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble and mumble,
+    then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship: for an empty purse, makes a
+    sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they
+    begin to observe that there is no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it
+    hath some kind of imperficiency.</p>
+    <p class="ctr"><a href="./images/plate20.png"><img src="images/plate20_th.jpg"
+    alt="Plate 20" title="" /></a><br />
+    197<br />
+    Published by the Navarre Society, London.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271"></a>This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a
+    Tavern, with good company, be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be
+    supplied: And the woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling
+    and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless when John the
+    cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the Bookkeeper with the
+    Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else credit and respect ly at the stake.
+    This requires a great deal of prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the
+    other.</p>
+    <p>The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And for that
+    reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But because this can be of
+    no long continuance, some do measure their business smaller out at first, and dwell
+    at a lesser rent, hire out their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of
+    some movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great trust; nay
+    sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the commodities whereof are of a
+    quicker consumption. And if this happen to people that are not so perfectly well
+    match'd, as our self-same-minded couple, and that the husband <a name="Page_272"
+    id="Page_272"></a>hath been a frequenter of company, you shall then seldom see that
+    the husband and the Wife are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be
+    for trading in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied; and
+    the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such like Wares as she
+    knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks but sadly (although it
+    oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do contend about this. Nevertheless some
+    men, because they imagine to have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way
+    of discourse with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, chide
+    and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars then mends the
+    matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is such a costly Jewell, that it
+    seldom can be valued.</p>
+    <p>Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know how, with
+    affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible words can admonish them
+    what is best and fittest to be done; and rather to extoll those graces which are
+    found in them, than to reprove their deficiencies: According to the instructions of
+    the prudent Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish their
+    wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.</p>
+    <p>But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their brains, seek it
+    in a contrary <a name="Page_273" id="Page_273"></a>place, and where the Bank is
+    lowest, the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. For if he
+    be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his servants and other people to
+    check, curb, and controul his wife lustily; and when they are in private together,
+    reprehends her so bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of
+    honest people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut many
+    times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds thereupon a foundation
+    of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, which he privately twits her in the teeth
+    with; though in publick he is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because
+    then he would be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl,
+    scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon his Wife and all
+    the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of them knowing the least reason in
+    the World for it.</p>
+    <p>In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his wife; for to
+    see that which he never will see; and at which he is so divellishly possessed to have
+    a wicked revenge; nay which he also never can see though he had a whole boxfull of
+    spectacles upon his nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least
+    reason for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation of
+    implacable hatred.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274"></a>Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted
+    and merry humoured, it is a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice,
+    and every way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a
+    jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, then for an
+    honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in his absence she dare not in
+    the least speak to any one, and in his presence hardly look upon any body. This is
+    known to those, who have had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family
+    where this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.</p>
+    <p>'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such Loggerheads many
+    times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill doings, that the Woman, who
+    before never thought of jealousie, now begins to grow jealous her self. For she,
+    considering that her husband is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and
+    ill-natured; and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides,
+    that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much from those of
+    former times, and especially from them of the first year; cannot imagine that the
+    small gain and the bad times are the occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there
+    is some other fine Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led
+    away by some or other charming Punk.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275"></a>And it is no wonder, because coming home
+    lately he said, that somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he
+    had just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before came home
+    without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had taken it from him in the
+    streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he related not long since, that he had been,
+    out of jest, one evening, with three or four others, in six of the most vile and
+    wickedest Bawdy houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom
+    there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to suspect his evil
+    doings, then he hath of hers.</p>
+    <p>And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, imagineth that
+    she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, the daily grumbling and
+    mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his coming home late at nights, his cool
+    kindness, besides all the rest, seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the
+    Pleasure of Marriage is so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of
+    the Sun, and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear
+    again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, that it is
+    generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the Wife, to vindicate her
+    innocency, lets fly at him again with such a shrill note, as if she had gone to
+    school to learn it in Drury<a name="Page_276" id="Page_276"></a> Lane, or Turnball
+    street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is not sent for to cure this
+    Woman of her bad tongue.</p>
+    <p>Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in these two
+    darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with jealousie, if you see that
+    another obtains access to your Mistriss; or who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once
+    kiss the knocker of the dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber
+    Window: Look sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it
+    be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd
+    your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the love you had for her; and on your
+    Grave, bear this Epitaph, that through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self.
+    These married Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together,
+    because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth such evill
+    fruits.</p>
+    <p>Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the Athenians, prudent
+    Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united and pacified! For the Athenians
+    had constituted a certain sort of superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the
+    married people; whose Power was to appease all differences between married people;
+    and to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each other. In <a
+    name="Page_277" id="Page_277"></a>like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where
+    scolding married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in better
+    tranquility.</p>
+    <p>But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all the means
+    and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then reunited; to that end
+    solliciting both the Majestical and Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a
+    thousand sad reasons by each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the
+    greatest reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples,
+    wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble; especially, if
+    they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and reputation, who have procreated
+    severall children together. For this jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers
+    as well among people of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be
+    some which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and suffer it not
+    to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is impossible to hide this unkindness
+    from the eys of them that are in the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the
+    sister who dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this
+    unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to be set down in
+    the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read all the twenty Pleasures of
+    Marriage through and through, and finds by the example of her<a name="Page_278"
+    id="Page_278"></a> Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a Fish, never at
+    rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, where she knows that she never can
+    get out again: According to these following Verses, which she hath sung so many
+    times:</p>
+    <p class="poem"><i>You may in sea lanch when you will,</i> <span class="i2"><i>To see
+    the boistrous Main,</i></span> <i>Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,</i>
+    <span class="i2"><i>Fore you return again.</i></span> <i>The married state, is much
+    like this,</i> <span class="i2"><i>O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,</i></span> <i>Yet
+    must be born, see how it is,</i> <span class="i2"><i>With tauntings, toils, and
+    losses.</i></span></p>
+    <p>But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors, just as her
+    Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses; for since the flesh is
+    almost come to the very bone, all his designs and indeavours seem to bend now to the
+    being separated from Bed and Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather
+    see it done by death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for
+    a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it might lightly
+    happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of his jealousie.</p>
+    <p>And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between him and his
+    Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that <a name="Page_279"
+    id="Page_279"></a>those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by
+    death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation, have just
+    remained alive.</p>
+    <p>Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent
+    Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an operation of
+    all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And that they first learnt to
+    know their own deficiences perfectly, that they might the better excuse those of
+    their Adversary.</p>
+    <p>O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a Looking-glass for all
+    others, live together in love, pleasure and tranquility, and have banished that
+    monstrous beast jealousie out of their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to
+    live long together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might
+    inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their second-selves. These do
+    recommend marriage in the highest degree to the whole World, as the noblest state and
+    condition; and despise the folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that
+    they have more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever had;
+    who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the married estate to be the
+    best and commendablest though some of them were married to women, who notably bore
+    the sway.</p>
+    <p><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280"></a>We may very well then contemn the chattering
+    of Epicurus that pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give
+    himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief, trouble, and
+    misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary, that the Wise men long to be in
+    it, and that the Sun of understanding appears more gloriously in them, when it is
+    nourisht and inlivened by marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our
+    well-married Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought
+    to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a second-self, that they
+    would never desire to part with. And for the exhortation of every one to this, I will
+    break off and conclude with that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and
+    Philosopher Marcus Aurelius: saying, <i>Because the life of Man cannot remain without
+    Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise, and teach the simple,
+    that they should shun ill-natured Women as much as the Plague: for I say, that all
+    the venemous Creatures in the World, have not so much poison spread or contained in
+    their whole bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue</i>.</p>
+    <h4>The End of the Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.</h4>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
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+</pre>
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+  </body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The
+Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New-married Couple (1682)
+
+Author: A. Marsh
+
+Release Date: October 26, 2004 [EBook #13872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TEN PLEASURES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Victoria Woosley and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE
+                  Printed at London 1682
+               Published by the Navarre Society London]
+
+
+
+
+
+                            THE TEN PLEASURES OF
+                                   MARRIAGE
+
+                             AND THE SECOND PART
+
+                            THE CONFESSION OF THE
+                              NEW MARRIED COUPLE
+
+                                 ATTRIBUTED TO
+
+                                   APHRA BEHN
+
+                       _REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION_
+
+                                      BY
+
+                                  JOHN HARVEY
+
+                         AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES
+
+                            AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES
+
+                                  RE-ENGRAVED
+
+                                LONDON: MCMXXII
+
+                _PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED_
+
+
+                          _Printed in Great Britain_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+The Restoration brought back to England something more than a king and
+the theatre. It renewed in English life the robust vitality of humour
+which had been repressed under the Commonwealth--though, in spite of
+repression, there were, even among the Puritan divines, men like the
+author of _Joanereidos_, whose self-expression ran the whole gamut
+from freedom to licentiousness.
+
+It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can be
+vividly concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, the
+chronicler of _The Ten Pleasures of Marriage_ revives the opprobrious
+term for a tailor--"pricklouse": the whole history of the English
+woollen industry and of the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domestic
+architecture is in the nickname. Or a single phrase can light up an
+idea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is running
+up and down like a dog." But, on the other hand, the spirit manifests
+itself sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteux
+metagrobolized Rabelais into something almost more tumescent and
+overwhelming than the original. In that vein of humour the present
+work frequently runs. The author is as ready to pile up his epithets
+as Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he says, "for then you'll have
+an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler,
+less than you had before."
+
+It is, in fact, as an example of English humour--exaggerated, no
+doubt, by the reaction from Puritanism--that _The Ten Pleasures of
+Marriage_ should be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that it
+is of uncertain parentage and must own to foreign kin. A well-known
+but (by a strange coincidence) almost equally rare book is Antoine de
+la Salle's _Quinze Joies de Mariage_. It seems possible that this was
+translated into English. At any rate, in the year in which _The Ten
+Pleasures_ was published--1682-1683--the following work was registered
+at Stationers' Hall: _The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comforts
+of matrimony, being in requital of the late fifteen_ sham _comforts_.
+Moreover, _The Ten Pleasures_ was in all probability printed
+abroad--Hazlitt thinks at The Hague or Amsterdam. The very first page
+in the original edition contains one of several hints of Batavian
+production--"younger" is printed "jounger." The curious allusion to
+the great French poet, Clement Marot, may also suggest a temporary
+foreign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless known
+to English readers in the seventeenth century, the exact reference of
+the allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on the
+fact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem
+_Colloque de l'abbe et de la femme scavante_; and Marot certainly
+wrote about women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figure
+in English literary allusion, either learned or popular, and the fact
+suggests at least familiarity with the literature of other countries.
+
+But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both in
+general and in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life as
+it was in the days before our grandfathers decided that the human body
+was an obscene thing and its functions deplorable. It has the
+middle-class love of good food--Colchester oysters (famous then as
+now), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges,
+comfits, pancakes--enough to make the mouth water. It has the solid
+English furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians"
+(valences), "daslles" (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plush
+chairs, linen cupboards. It has all the fuss of preparation for
+childbirth--the accumulations of wrappings, the obstetric furniture,
+the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic ancestors
+of Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig--why, the haste to fetch the
+midwife at the crisis might almost be the foundation upon which
+Dickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff, Esq., to Kingsgate Street,
+High Holborn.
+
+It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the average
+fairly prosperous English life--the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, the
+sea-captain's. The author clearly knew the routine of trade. He knew
+that at New Year's Day the "day-book" had to be fully written up for
+scrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts. (But the
+pleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full of
+business that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out." The brief
+description of his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, to
+some extent, has a certain life in it, as if the writer, embittered,
+was recalling his own youthful experience.) He knew, too, what to-day
+we only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a merchant's
+business depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon the
+actual supply of material--"what commodities are arrived or expected,"
+and whether tea is up 1/2d. or tin 3/4d. down, or if hogs closed firm. The
+commercial world changes only its methods of communication and
+expression.
+
+The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literary
+interest. From the literary point of view, it is a near
+descendant--collateral, if not direct, and anyhow based on the same
+English empirical humour of life--of Thomas Overbury's _A Wife_
+(1614--only one unique copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's
+_Microcosmographie_ (1628), in prose, and Thomas Bastard's
+_Chrestoleros_* (1598), in verse. It is an early instance of the
+stringing together, in a connected narrative, of the material
+previously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it is
+directly in the succession which in the end produced what is perhaps
+the most enduring and individual phenomenon in our literature--the
+English novel.
+
+  * A copy of the very rare first edition fetched L155 at the
+  Britwell sale in February 1922.
+
+Of course the book says things we do not say now openly--though the
+traditional _corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum_ which almost all men
+and even some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, from
+generation to generation, solely by word of mouth, and flickers now
+and again in _The Ten Pleasures_. But they were said openly then, and
+by great writers. There is nothing here so nauseatingly indecent as
+the viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev. the Dean
+of Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D.D. There are salacious hints, there are
+bawdy words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or the
+Summoner or Tom Jones might have used--less, on the whole. There is no
+need, to borrow a phrase from the book's sequel, to "make use of the
+gesture of casting up the whites of the eyes." "True-hearted souls
+will solace their spirits with a little laughter, and never busy their
+brains with the subversion of Church and State government."
+
+Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow in
+his pages like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his house
+for the Puritans, not even, apparently, in the bringing up of his
+child. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth"
+must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no
+_Catechizing of Families_--a discourse published by Richard Baxter in
+this very year 1683; and the only _Compassionate Counsel_--a Baxter
+pamphlet of 1681--he is likely to offer to young men is to take life
+lightly, as his hero does, and above all, not to marry.
+
+For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony is
+less well sustained in the sequel, _The Confession of the New Married
+Couple_, and dropped altogether in the bitter _Letter_ at the end of
+_The Ten Pleasures_). It is a savage attack upon women--upon (to quote
+a Rabelaisian sentence) "the quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud,
+opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of the female sex."
+Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots and
+Shoes, etc., for we find both Merchants and money ready always to buy
+those commodities." The analogy is an unfortunate one, for one of his
+implications is that women can easily be bought. But he--if it is a
+"he"--is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully--what
+are they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well:
+here are the pleasures of them. You will be in love and make a
+match--and look at all the worry of the settlement, in which, by the
+way, you may often be defrauded. You will get married--a fine
+ceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of the
+neighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven the
+occasion. You get married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of your
+wife, who will indulge your wishes or not as suits her mood. Your
+house will be all awry if she has but a slight headache. When the baby
+comes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen and
+medical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a father
+added to the discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, your
+wife will know how "to cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gay
+lady of Covent Garden. And so on.
+
+Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expression
+if not in thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture of
+English middle-class life under James II. that the importance of the
+book lies. Here is the domestic side of what the great diarists and
+the great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records,
+those treasuries of private appearances in public, chronicle with the
+severity of judgment. You have the young couple going (alas that the
+river for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved farther up its own
+course!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and Southwark
+echoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens at
+Vauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatre
+on Bankside, for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxter
+preached. Or they might go into Kent and pick fruit, even as
+"beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for its cider and perry,
+the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only for
+an outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see the
+streets gay with signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses but
+taverns wear to-day--the sign of the _Silkworm_ or the _Sheep_, or
+that fantastic schoolmaster's emblem, the _Troubled Pate_ with a crown
+upon it. And when they stopped for rest at the sign of a bush upon a
+pole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef, the
+neats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices high
+and crops poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom,
+and fruits of war. If the impositions and taxes run high, the country
+farmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it must
+be given, or else we should lose all." Had they learnt that as long
+ago as 1682?
+
+As a _genre_ work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. The
+gradual social settlement after the Civil War, destined to develop
+into stagnation under the first Georges, caused didactic works, guides
+to manners, housewifery and sport, society handbooks, to proliferate.
+_The Ten Pleasures_ mentions some standard works, which every good
+housewife would probably possess--Nicholas Culpepper's medical
+handbooks, for instance, and _The Complete Cook_, which indeed, as
+part of _The Queen's Closet Opened_, had reappeared in its natal year
+1682-1683. The same year saw the birth of such works as _The Complete
+Courtier_, _The Complete Compting House_, _The Gentleman Jockey_, _The
+Accomplished Ladies' Delight._ Life was being scheduled, tabulated, in
+readiness for the complacent century about to open. It was also being
+explored, not only in such works as _The Ten Pleasures_ and _The
+Woman's Advocate_, but in others (entered as published, but in many
+cases not known to be now extant) like _The Wonders of the Female
+World_, _The Swaggering Damsel_, or _Several New Curtain Lectures_,
+and _Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curious
+dialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice_--all
+produced in that same _annus mirabilis_ of outspoken domesticity.
+
+_The Ten Pleasures_, apart from its intrinsic interest, is
+exceptionally important from a book-collector's point of view. It is
+of the utmost rarity. There is no copy in the British Museum and none
+in the Cambridge University Library. In fact, there are only two
+copies known of the whole work--one in the Bodleian (wanting one
+plate), and that from which the present text is taken. The Huth
+Collection had a copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copies
+contain the second part--_The Confession_--and evidently the two
+parts, though they have separate title pages, and were published at
+different times, were intended to form a complete work.
+
+Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher]," says the title page.
+A. Marsh cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers'
+Registers for the period. It may be that Marsh thought it too
+licentious for registration (an improbable supposition), and so, as
+Hazlitt suggests, printed it abroad.
+
+But the initials A.B. at the end of the _Letter_ in the first part may
+be a clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that they
+are those of Aphra or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the first
+woman to earn her living by her pen. It is true that she was, so to
+speak, a feminist: the preface and epilogue to her _Sir Patient
+Fancy_ speak bitterly of those who would not go to her plays because
+they were by a woman. On the other hand, she had a free pen, to say
+the least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutch
+associations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. She
+had herself been on secret service in the Netherlands. She translated
+a Dutch book on oracles. If the book was printed in Holland, she of
+all people could get the work done. And she knew the city of London
+intimately.
+
+There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in _Sir
+Patient Fancy_, which recall touches in _The Ten Pleasures_. She
+introduces a Padua doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of her
+plays, a curious interest in medicine, especially quack medicine. Sir
+Patient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is swelling up like the "pipsy"
+husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping begins to be as
+ridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of their
+mistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part of
+mankind." It is not inconceivable that in a freakish or embittered
+moment this singular woman threw herself with malicious joy into an
+attack on her own sex.
+
+"Love in fantastic triumph sat...." Aphra Behn's great lyric
+deservedly lives. If she wrote _The Ten Pleasures_, the sort of love
+she describes in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yet
+if we want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apart
+from the curious interest of its rarity, _The Ten Pleasures_ is a
+sturdy piece of human nature.
+
+JOHN HARVEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+PUBLISHER'S PREFACE
+
+
+"Of the making of many books there is no end," nor is there an end to
+the Romance of books, as the little volume here, privately reprinted
+by the Navarre Society, is surely proof most positive. The original is
+a small thick volume; it bears the imprint "London, Printed in the
+year 1683," and but one perfect copy is known; that copy lay
+unappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller's
+shop.
+
+Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of the
+manners of the commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague,
+who wondered why he did not know it. After purchasing it he found the
+reason why--the Bodleian Library alone possessed a copy of the work
+(imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only) appeared in the
+last portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The present
+text is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above.
+
+The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book,
+which presents pictures of the cit and his wife at work and play
+which Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might have
+written. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and if
+so, it may well be that the ship carrying the printed sheets to
+England foundered in the North Sea, or was sunk by enemy craft. There
+can be no doubt that such a work would not have escaped the wits of
+the time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention would
+have been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No other
+so likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself.
+
+It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our time
+permit, with a Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to the
+industrious and sometimes brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery which
+the Navarre Society believe to be well grounded. They hope that the
+issue of the book to their subscribers may help to confirm or refute
+that lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex.
+Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work so
+vividly representative of Restoration life and literature is rescued
+from the obscurity to which its scarceness has hitherto condemned it
+and worthily preserved for scholars and amateurs of the future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                       THE TEN
+
+                      PLEASURES
+
+                          OF
+
+                       MARRIAGE.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TEN
+
+PLEASURES
+
+OF
+
+MARRIAGE,
+
+_Relating_
+
+All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands of
+Matrimony.
+
+Written by A. MARSH, Typogr.
+
+LONDON,
+
+Printed in the Year, 1682.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO THE READER.
+
+
+Courteous Reader,
+
+_This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit of
+some spare hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a small
+time, between whiles, hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttring
+down again, still pitching upon the subject of the Ten Pleasures of
+Marriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find somthing worthy of
+thy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as hath
+never before been extant, and especially in such a method; neither
+canst thou well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neat
+words, as other subjects may be, but only to be clad in plain habit
+most fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I perceive that it please
+thee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor brain'd in the
+Nativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it will
+incourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same_
+Tune, _but I mean to the same_ Purpose, _and apparelled very near the
+same dress: In the mean time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind to
+this, and give it a gentle reception, from him who is thine.
+Farewell._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+
+The Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles &
+calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people should
+be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the younger
+sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling
+desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a
+multiplying glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are
+once come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should be
+drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morrice fooles
+caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger
+it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible
+estate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second and
+third time. Truly, if for once any one be through contrary
+imaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, and
+alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, or
+compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second
+and third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from
+speaking, and ty their tongues from complaining, that their miseries
+might not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they truly
+merit.
+
+And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as
+well known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we
+see them run into it with such an earnestness, that they are not to be
+counselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of _Hercules_;
+despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery.
+
+But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth,
+how they decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all
+manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of
+musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages,
+studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst
+Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any
+exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors
+of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of
+more then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a
+damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saint
+upon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty and
+perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed
+all together.
+
+And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so
+much money, and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and
+totally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel.
+They are then hardly arrived at this intitled happiness, but they must
+begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof,
+without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to
+the Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what
+they shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith so
+tosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totally
+laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree,
+but also in persons that have received promotion.
+
+For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly
+stragling about his study, even as his sences do, one among another.
+And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love,
+which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can be
+fitted.
+
+If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own
+sicknes, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of
+them were lying at deaths dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had
+appointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no
+more notice of his Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then
+if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the
+wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is
+incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple,
+or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.
+
+If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to
+begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in
+Marriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment of
+poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then
+being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his
+advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with
+his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed.
+But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little
+enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood
+at the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif and
+Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences,
+the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can
+make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions.
+
+There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say
+otherwise, but _'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready
+against the next meeting_; and are, with grief at heart, forced to
+see as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the
+whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now
+discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health
+of the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants;
+which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may
+boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a
+glass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as
+ever _Nectar_ and _Ambrose_ could be, that the Poets so highly
+commend.
+
+If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what
+can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they
+are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary
+clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning
+the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to
+the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills and
+other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the
+beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between
+friends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and an
+implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent and
+self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and
+Attorneys.
+
+And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of
+this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily
+neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies
+a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what
+Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or
+expected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in few
+daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this
+distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a
+Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and
+who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage.
+
+And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a
+military person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in
+Garison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets,
+flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds;
+though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not
+mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions,
+and a great deal more that belongs to him.
+
+And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with
+him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide
+fields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especially
+by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet
+now he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to
+the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered
+Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady
+Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State
+affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd
+_Jeronimo_.
+
+And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with
+any strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of
+his own Bom, and practises all sorts of waies and means how he shall
+best make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go again
+to his fair one.
+
+And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard,
+when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring
+seas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hath
+to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How often doth he hazard his
+Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an inconstant
+draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath
+drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet
+nevertheless, tho the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his
+head, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering
+_Boreas_, powerfull enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive those
+damps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, having
+driven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh,
+that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, those
+twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things
+would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were
+immediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if,
+unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast,
+oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty weather, and he
+hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger,
+that before was so far preserved.
+
+And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive
+Wilderness, he doth nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon
+his Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressing
+himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach or Pair of Oars
+to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with
+what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with
+waiting upon his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all
+things, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not only
+found without a Master, but the servants without government. And at
+New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any body
+desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he
+can't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where he
+stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd
+to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved,
+and then out of an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes
+receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all his
+business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.
+
+To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner
+touch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast
+the kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns and
+briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he is
+gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his Mistriss,
+and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness;
+immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair;
+being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or
+Tutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; or
+else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another in
+his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well as
+himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a
+pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And
+if the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him to
+fight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting of
+her, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand
+torments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures this
+introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from the
+marriage it self?
+
+Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would
+not but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging
+madness? yet Lovers go forward, and please your selves with this
+imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, you
+obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and
+feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 10. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST PLEASURE.
+
+_The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept._
+
+
+Now, O Lover, till this time you have been indeavouring, slaving,
+turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and begging to get from those
+slow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent; you have
+also sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors,
+who were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but could
+obtain nothing; yet at last that long desired Word, is once descended
+by the Draw-bridge of her lips, like a rich cordial upon your
+languishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals. Oh who can
+imagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughts
+glance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denials
+are laid aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of a
+sudden be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yet
+concluded. Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness then
+you now possess! For what you will, she will also: and what she
+desires, is all your pleasure. You may now tumble in a bed of Lillies
+and Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles, and she
+that used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her.
+Yea, those snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touch
+with your little finger; you may now, without asking leave, grasp by
+whole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full view, consider all this
+rightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in the World?
+O unspeakable pleasure!
+
+But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run too
+much upon these glistering things: be a little moderate in your
+desired pleasures, if it might happen that there come some
+cross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all those
+suspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch that
+the mouth which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, and
+appear'd as if it had been cover'd with the dew of heaven; was
+compared to be the jaws of _Cerberus_. And those breasts, which before
+were the curded _Nacter_-hills, and called the Banket of the Gods, I
+have seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and call'd
+worse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) somewhat moderate and
+prudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this market might
+fall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly.
+
+Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tis
+hop'd there'l be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite,
+that you should go unto all the friends, that must be present at the
+meeting, to hear when their occasions will permit them, and what day
+and hour they will appoint to set upon the business, herewith you have
+work to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half of
+them at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day,
+another to morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that by
+this first Pleasure, you have also a little feeling of the first
+trouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is to your advantage, because
+you may the better use your self to the following. And of how greater
+State and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordingly
+this trouble generally happens to be more.
+
+But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours,
+troubles and turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together,
+and you doubt not but the match will be closed and agreed upon. But be
+here also a little moderate in your mirth, because oftentimes the
+friends handle this matter like a bargaining; and will lay the mony
+bags of each side in a balance, as you may see by the Plate.
+
+In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris in
+the next room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, and
+keeping of the Wedding; but perhaps, through the discord of the
+friends, it will not be long before you are disturb'd; the differences
+oft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters through the
+Walls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of one
+is too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or that
+the Parents of the Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; and
+the Brides Parents will give too little with their Daughter. Or else
+that by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they indeavour to make the
+goods of each side disinheritable, &c. So that it appears among the
+friends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter.
+
+And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well that
+it is not all hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it were
+better for these two to remain unmarried, then to bring each other
+into misery; and can find no grounds or reasons, but rather to
+disswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage.
+
+But tho, on each side, they use never such powerfull arguments, to
+the young people, 'tis to no purpose; for there's fire in the flax,
+and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid thinks, if this
+match should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we have
+had with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I am
+ruined for ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is so
+constant to him, not hearkning to the advice of her friends, is so
+struck to the heart with such fiery flames of love, that he's resolved
+never to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water, or go a
+begging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract of
+Matrimony for what you will, nay tho you would write Hell and
+Damnation, I am contented, and resolve to sign it: but thinking by
+himself, with a Will all this may be broken, and new made again:
+hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with black
+clouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed by
+Eclipses.
+
+But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; for
+the knot is tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and very
+circumstantially write the Contract of Matrimony, which is signed by
+both parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen from my heart, and a
+Milstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for more then
+ordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; about
+goes a health, the good success of the marriage, and every one wishing
+them tubs full of blessings, and houses full of prosperity,
+
+    _If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give,
+    How richly this young couple, then might live._
+
+Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they lose
+nothing by it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what it
+produces. Then if there be but one among them who is talkative, and
+that by drinking merrily the good success of the approaching marriage,
+his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at the closing
+of his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate;
+and commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought at
+first he had the World at will; but then there came this, and then
+that, and a thousand other vexatious things, which continually, or for
+the most part of the time with great grief and trouble had kept him so
+much backward, that it was long before he could get forward in the
+World.
+
+Well, M^{r}. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top,
+and rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you have
+now gotten your legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desired
+for Fetters, that nothing but death it self can unloosen them.
+
+And you, M^{rs}. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirking
+countenance; be you merry, you are the Bride; yea the Bride that
+occasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husband
+too, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumble
+and rumble you, and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation,
+that will comfort the very cockles of your heart. He will (if all
+falls out well) be your comforter, your company-keeper, your
+care-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish for, or
+the Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure your
+palefac'dness, your pains in the reins of your back, and at your
+heart, and all other distempers whatsoever. He will also wipe of all
+your tears with kisses; and you shall not dream of that thing in the
+night, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then your
+Bride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?
+
+But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice;
+pray tell me, when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage,
+what was the reason that you alter'd so mightily, & that your hand
+shook so? Verily, though I am no Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yet
+nevertheless me-thought it was none of the best signs; and that one
+might already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; the
+events whereof would be more certain then any thing that _Lilly_ or
+any other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in a
+short time it will discover it self.
+
+Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and since you have gotten
+your desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it would be
+unreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business.
+And indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you must
+trouble your head with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and the
+Stufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and many other things are yet to be
+bought. Well, who can see an end of all your business! There's one
+piece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third looks dull
+and hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and little
+or nothing bought yet.
+
+And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie in
+contriving, ordering and looking upon things, you are every moment
+hindered, & taken off from it, with a continual knocking at the dore
+to sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits, another to deliver
+the ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &c, a third to be Cook,
+& Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thundering
+so at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carry
+their message to the Bride.
+
+Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker,
+and Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought &
+ordered for the Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands;
+and handkerchifs; & do but see, the day is at an end again: my brains
+are almost addle, and nothing goes forward: For M^{rs}. Smug said she
+would bring linnen, and M^{rs}. Smooth laces, but neither of them both
+are yet come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; and
+comfort your selves, that the Bride will reward you liberally for your
+pains.
+
+Well, M^{rs}. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not you
+now do (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubled
+pate with a Crown upon it? How glad you'l be when this confusion is
+once over? could you ever have thought that there was so much work to
+be found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that for these few
+troublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not your
+case alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is running
+up and down like a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony may
+be proclaim'd. And now he's a running to and again through the City,
+to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, that are capacitated to
+entertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty discourses,
+waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the rest of
+the Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of some
+good _Canary_, _Rhenish_ & _French_ Wines, that those friends which
+come to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented with
+a delicate glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busie
+about the Brides adornments, may tast the Brides tears.
+
+But really friends, if you come to tast the Brides tears now, 'tis a
+great while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and unfeigned
+ones, you must come some months hence.
+
+O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil,
+and run up and down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist one
+another; he is doubtless chatting with the Bride, and shewing of her
+some costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike her ne'r a whit the worse;
+and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to disswade
+her from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take care
+for that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddings
+over. For now you have as much work as you can turn your self to, in
+getting all your things in a readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, and
+Haberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find that oftentimes two or
+three weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the greatest
+slavery imaginable.
+
+Yet, M^{r}. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect this
+reward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with a
+golden Tapistry laid before you, and for your honour the Organs
+playing. The going with a Coach to marry at a Country Town, has not
+half so much grace, and will not at all please the Bride: it is
+therefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, who
+shall be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens,
+but there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don,
+but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugally
+the Guests shall be treated; for they would come off with credit and
+little charge. To this is required the advice of a steward, because it
+is their daily work. And he for favour of the Cook, Pasterer, and
+Poulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) orders all things
+so liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite. And
+the Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am but
+once the Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's another
+consideration to be taken in hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegrooms
+friends shall be plac'd at the Table, the ordering whereof, many times
+causes such great disputes, that if they had known it before, they
+would rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom and
+the Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shell
+this marriage nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. But
+Bridegroom to drive these damps out of your brain, there's no better
+remedy then to go along with your Bridemen to tast the Wedding wine;
+for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a delicate tast
+and relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not so
+delicious as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will be
+so many curious tasters. Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, you
+may now expect a jolly Bridegroom and Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchant
+is such a noble blade, that none of them all shall escape him, before
+they have drunk as many Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-cask
+that they tasted of.
+
+Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thing
+but superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers,
+who are constantly talking & prating that the married estate brings
+nothing but care and sorrow with it; here, to the contrary, they may
+see how all minds & intentions are knit together, to consume and pass
+away these daies with the most superabounding pleasures. Away with
+sorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct there is
+nothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they may
+enjoy the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage.
+
+But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing,
+and thinks her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the first
+Wedding-night will be ended, that she might carry up some water to the
+young couple, and have a feeling of those liberal gifts that she shall
+receive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all her attendance,
+running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body has
+deserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, and
+was very diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters;
+but all upon fair promises, having carried her self in the time of
+their wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never had
+in all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom,
+
+    _And now the Bride is in the bed,
+    The former promises are dead._
+
+Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far as
+is becoming you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man,
+Coachman, or neighbors servant, may fall in love with you; for many
+times out of one Wedding comes another, and then you might come to be
+a woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as well as
+your Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night.
+Then you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure of
+marriage, and with the Bride expect the second.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some of
+the Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others._<
+
+
+Well, young married people, how glad you must needs be, now the
+Wedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You may now ly and
+sleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selves
+quietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one another
+the exercise and handling of Venus Weapons.
+
+Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please your
+appetites, & do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo
+_Aretin_, and all her light Companions, in all their several postures.
+Now you may rejoice in the sweet remembrance, how sumptuous that you
+were, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other ornaments that my Lady
+_Bride_, and Madam _Spend-all_, first invented and brought in
+practice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that were
+used there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing upon
+Instruments, singing, leaping, and all other sort of gambals, that
+youth being back'd with Bacchus strength uses either for mirth or
+wantonness.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 30. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+O how merry they were all of 'em! And how deliciously were all the
+dishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for the Cook
+and Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble,
+and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eaten
+gallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasant
+remembrance.
+
+And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self;
+you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarling
+narrow-soul'd Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely,
+without controul, do all what you have a mind to; and receive
+therewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your best
+beloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth.
+
+And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! how
+willingly doth liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard for
+you! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in the
+least comprehend.
+
+Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your
+desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs;
+for after some few daies, it may be hungry care will come and open
+the Curtains of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckonings
+you are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man,
+Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.
+
+But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hear
+your young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go with
+her Sister and her Aunt to buy houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plush
+and quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And then
+she will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately Register,
+that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have a
+fellouw-feeling of it.
+
+For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses,
+Chiny-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, rich
+Pictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, a
+curious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, several Webs for
+Napkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, and
+a thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related:
+For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, they
+increase every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudent
+Wives.
+
+And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or at
+least the Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that good
+carefull labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow,
+that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediately
+brought home.
+
+And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasant
+and merry; for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot be
+without them; and that mony must alwaies be certainly ready, get it
+where you will. Then, saies the Wife, all this, at least, there must
+needs be, if we will have any people of fashion come into our house.
+
+You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you a
+good Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses,
+Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither you
+may go then, with your Hony, twice a year, for the refreshing of your
+spirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruits
+of the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes you
+with the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion,
+indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment.
+If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land,
+and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat some
+new Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things;
+in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you.
+
+For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses are
+burnt, the Orchards destroied, and the growth of the Fields spoiled!
+therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, but
+think, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositions
+and Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know that
+the War costs mony, and it must be given, or else we should lose all.
+
+At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through this
+gallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so many
+Orchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bags
+don't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that most no
+waies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at such trivial
+things, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so to
+our minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down in
+ready mony, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger,
+you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might play
+Bankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies fast, and they will pay
+well, when the War is done.
+
+Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make your
+self merry, with the hearing that your friends commend the
+entertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or three
+daies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of the
+nearest acquaintance, will come _a la grandissimo_ to give you thanks
+for all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowed
+upon them; which will be done then with such a friendly and
+affectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you must
+invite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so make
+an addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness,
+mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friends
+and acquaintance.
+
+'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Wedding
+who were displeased, for not being entertained according to their
+expectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece, and some
+other friends were not seated in their right places; that M^{rs}.
+_Leonora_ had a jole-pate to wait upon her; and M^{r}. _Philip_ an old
+_Beldam_; M^{r}. _Timothy_ was forced to wait upon a young
+snotty-nose; and that Squire _Neefer_ could not sit easily, and
+M^{rs}. _Betty's_ Gorget was rumbled; and that _Mal_, and _Peg
+Stones_, and _Dol Dirty-buttocks_, were almost throng'd in pieces; and
+could hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all be
+troubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tis
+enough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented them
+with your Feast.
+
+Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highest
+degree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost you
+so much mony; for if you had left them all at home, you could have
+had no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your self
+with this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude at
+so high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or three
+several times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass of
+Wine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better to
+govern and satisfied.
+
+'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friends
+animate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, and
+surprize you; with shewing their thankfulness and satisfaction for the
+respect they have received from you; and that they are alwaies
+desirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to give
+you a visit.
+
+This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table and
+Cellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growing
+among them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well.
+
+And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are)
+your Wives maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily and
+unhandsomly; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends,
+beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be an
+incouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain your
+friends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep a fair
+correspondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for an
+afternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, and
+Peaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with a
+good glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dish
+of Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oisters; but none of these
+neither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Oh
+quintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts,
+such Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?
+
+Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press him
+to go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O it
+will be extreamly pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid to
+him; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, and
+pretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity is
+renewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in a
+Batchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would be
+extraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing more
+agreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental in
+helping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a double
+increase of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompany
+her, and drive fancies out of her head.
+
+If your Wife should fail in her choice of houshold-stuff, and other
+sort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudent
+School-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel and
+advise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will be
+neatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the art
+of ordring things, that you need not dispute with your Wife about the
+hanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for they'l presently
+say, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; and
+that Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the place
+with curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they will
+deliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for the
+pleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wish
+for more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with hammers: give
+it liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. If
+there be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it might
+happen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm.
+It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones,
+should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contrive
+and consider what must be bought, and what things will be most
+suitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens in
+the night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest;
+therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed.
+
+And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of the
+School to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you should
+already begin to grumble and talk how needfull it is to be sparing and
+thrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that monies is
+not to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must be
+paid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent.
+For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and you
+might get for an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poor
+Bridegroom? This would be sad to hear.
+
+Go therefore to School by _Pythagoras_ to learn silence; and to look
+upon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife do
+her own pleasure; and to mix hony with your words. Then you shall
+possess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfull
+steps enter upon the folowing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD PLEASURE.
+
+_The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated by
+all their friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Country
+for their pleasure._
+
+
+If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for young
+married people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest and
+smoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to invite
+every one to the Wedding, this sweet _Venus_ must be led abroad, and
+shewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the World
+must see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agree
+together. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up in
+their best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets with
+tatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all their
+acquaintance to see whether they are looked at.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 52. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can go
+ten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted by
+some of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness and
+prosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated according
+as occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their married
+estate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to the
+good prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman,
+what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & a
+maid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honour
+every one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry taking
+pleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist,
+receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankind
+are so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands,
+but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what a
+fulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolve
+therefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend them
+where ever there is occasion.
+
+And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! for
+every foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that is
+oft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'd
+alwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a little
+drousie, or that the head akes; the husband knows a present remedy to
+settle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go to
+see Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh our
+selves, or else go and take the air upon the _Thames_ with a Pair of
+Oars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all _Lambeth_, the
+_Bankside_, and _Southwark_ shakes with it. Oh that _Apollo_ would but
+drive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; for
+it is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of the
+Watch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that he
+cannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?
+
+To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies at
+rest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the young
+woman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasures
+in other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and then
+to others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, and
+having heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, she
+hath a great mind to see _Oxford_ and _Cambridge._
+
+Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see _York_,
+_Glocester_ and _Bristol_, and take our pleasures those waies; for I
+have heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasant
+travelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began to
+relate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heart
+leapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as soon as I am married, I
+will immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither;
+because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he would
+sometimes relate of _Herefordshire_ what delicious Syder and Perry is
+made there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs go
+that way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at the
+Fountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week.
+
+It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thus
+much longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he is
+already so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding,
+Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, he
+cannot disswade her from it.
+
+    _You may as soon retort the wind,
+    As make a woman change her mind._
+
+In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaies
+concludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't come
+again. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, my
+Dear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me to
+go any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly,
+why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were out
+a month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother,
+or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town!
+For the first year will not come again."
+
+Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with his
+wife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be daily
+tormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that,
+for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, for
+a marriage lesson, _Have a care of making the first difference._ If he
+speak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that would
+occasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would be
+guilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing.
+
+Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunk
+they send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all their
+best apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see all
+their bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, and
+some other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it would
+have no grace.
+
+Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health and
+prosperity upon their journy, & so do I.
+
+But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the young
+woman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks the
+World turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears she
+shall vomit her very heart up. Then down lights her husband, to take
+her off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that he
+knows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he might
+give all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And she
+poor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepist
+himself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not;
+which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tear
+the hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginning
+to decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little space
+softly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do to
+get his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest her
+distempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softly
+forwards, to get to the end of their journy.
+
+Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures of
+marriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder me
+thinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the little
+trouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive,
+and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And these
+dainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find your
+stomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts of
+filthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horse
+then your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you:
+The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shall
+first whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife will
+receive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of her
+imaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which will
+the easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the rarities
+of the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much the
+more, because every one will be wishing the new married couple much
+joy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures and
+civilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth.
+
+But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet to
+speak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what he
+will of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with an
+incurable deafness.
+
+They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must go
+along with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neither
+would it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many good
+friends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at the
+dore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks for
+th'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wish
+the young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may further
+attend them upon their journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, and
+away fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of the
+liveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon the
+flight with his Proserpina through the City.
+
+But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirth
+will stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever an
+eye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, this
+must be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess you
+must do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your new
+wife.
+
+These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore you
+must not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long from
+home, though in the mean while all things there is going also the
+ready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, that
+maid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts;
+and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keep
+open Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask the
+neighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by them
+was no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, ranted
+and domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and how
+they have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouse
+Tailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best.
+
+Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if there
+be either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar be
+lockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devices
+to juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; that
+their inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by the
+Author of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number,
+but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned in
+that study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men
+& maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experience
+hereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have been
+eased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to the
+whole World.
+
+These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; but
+if they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approved
+of to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be of
+what state and condition they will, every one feels the damage and
+inconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visible
+unto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one or
+other means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will,
+whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglects
+his Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation &
+Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all oft-times
+knowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is so
+inconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, the
+neglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume your
+self also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril and
+uneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new married
+Mistris. O miserable pleasure!
+
+But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, as
+soon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of your
+wife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home.
+Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up &
+down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it is
+impossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay and
+then neither hardly unless she hear that there is something prepared
+suitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is to
+be prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give order
+for the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that she
+cannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk about
+her chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with the
+troublesomness of the journy.
+
+In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, and
+laughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing that
+their Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure to
+have the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done by
+stealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho he
+had the eyes of _Argolus_ can attrap them; for if by chance you should
+perceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to delude
+you, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man is
+easily pacified and satisfied for that time.
+
+And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of
+a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well,
+getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally
+see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to
+do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping
+hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set
+in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.
+
+And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like a
+Jack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may take
+her rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house.
+And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair,
+seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies stragling
+about the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy finds
+a fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistris hath had
+such an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it was
+beyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless she
+had prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and this
+is the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to have
+been.
+
+Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards to
+speak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answer
+is, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things,
+leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have no
+understanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman to
+have the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be now
+and then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things of
+so small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of.
+
+Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must give
+him full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing all
+things at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that their
+Mistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a Tom _Peep in the
+pot_, or _Goodman busiebody_. And before dinner is fully done, he must
+hear _Peg_ asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, to
+go by and by and give Mistris _Moody_ a visit, or discourse a little
+with Madam Elenor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need you
+ty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the North
+Country Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily.
+Madam _Elenor_ will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something that
+she will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get a
+drift, and away she goes with _Peg_ out of dores. Let it go then as it
+will with the house keeping.
+
+This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaies
+agree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more out
+of Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasure
+enough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistris _Moody_, and courteous
+Madam _Elenor_.
+
+Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistles
+there are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you may
+think then what the middle and end must be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 54. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of her
+barrenness, and takes Physick for it._
+
+
+Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that they
+have been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted by
+all their acquaintance.
+
+Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view of
+what friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the great
+difference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners and
+deportments of each place, and also how pleasant the _Hills_, _Dales_
+and _Meadows_ lie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but most
+particularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, be
+treated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of the
+weakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those who
+possess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desire
+to be at home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at their
+own Tables.
+
+Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married man
+hath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from all
+such idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairs
+and vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into a
+handsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having had
+her full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts of
+pleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take some
+care for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls out
+so, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man.
+
+But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up,
+without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you will
+beleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of your
+marriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already got
+footing in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments:
+Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a better
+understanding of further pleasures.
+
+For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins to
+complain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life;
+that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a new
+Maid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commanding
+her the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which are
+things that she before never used to trouble her self with; and that
+it is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in a
+strange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that the
+good man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk these
+foolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridle
+her frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up her
+tears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't.
+And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end,
+there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendant
+Sunshine.
+
+For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrape
+acquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, which
+increaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes to
+that height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then at
+home in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with her
+child that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres _Breedwell_
+making ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together.
+Yonder Mistris _Maudlen_ complains that she doth not prove with child;
+& then Mistres _Young-at-it_ brags how nearly she could reckon from
+the very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this three
+months, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me still
+as if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?
+
+This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in the
+brain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth not
+understand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the better
+how things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintance
+what caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamlesly
+relates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt the
+curtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that she
+may hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether he
+doth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for the
+employ, &c. for the verification whereof the Councel of women bring so
+many compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more to
+speak of them.
+
+Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her their
+advice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I would
+oftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good for
+my self, _viz._ Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones,
+Caveer, &c. and counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-house
+and drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist from
+Tabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too cooling
+for the kidneys. And then I would many times my self by dallying with
+him, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;
+whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, nor
+want of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess,
+that you had sufficiently done your indeavour.
+
+Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happy
+man, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshaws
+at your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, which
+other women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find that
+your dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you a
+thousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination to
+express: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in the
+morning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly very
+great pleasures.
+
+But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remain
+in the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at her
+husband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspecting
+her husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and a
+good man Do-little, &c.
+
+This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he never
+so much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her from
+the reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper;
+the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintance
+that he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She still
+complains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted.
+
+And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into her
+brains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch that
+she's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediately
+she goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peoples
+children in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably,
+as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth more
+simple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers have
+done. By which means the children have many times as great an
+affection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father and
+Mother.
+
+This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble her
+husband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this means
+knows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, that
+she thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be no
+less then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest she
+is pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he is
+freed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have a
+child. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of her
+neighbours child, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth in
+the World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies so
+long, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy against
+her husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall run
+distracted.
+
+But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds no
+means or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it best
+himself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with that
+French Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men and
+women that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children:
+Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or a
+daughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also very
+necessary that the good woman her self consult with some experienced
+Midwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers which
+are the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and taken
+away.
+
+To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought
+together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to
+work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith
+(as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they
+make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may
+be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts
+of the body; then to open those that were stopt and caused
+Distempers.
+
+But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable,
+where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her
+husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels.
+
+And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head
+next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon
+all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she
+will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately
+saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only
+pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times
+in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen
+to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no
+wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at
+variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind
+hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a
+child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may
+crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him
+that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing
+that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning
+the tide.
+
+To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife
+is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is
+very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child.
+
+But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to
+hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand
+in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young
+people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the
+satisfaction of the Master.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs._
+
+
+The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I
+find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally
+that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that!
+Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath
+been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made
+for some good effects.
+
+How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor,
+and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull,
+for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman,
+and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance
+is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature
+abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, &
+Thus the women talk.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly;
+continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at
+any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain
+the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must
+suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a
+distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state
+and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and
+preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her
+often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or
+maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass
+it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for
+the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is
+common with big-bellied women to do so.
+
+But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and
+groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid
+it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally
+shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide
+your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good
+sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her.
+For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first
+Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her
+heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house
+must be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold,
+out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self
+herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your
+wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.
+
+Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are
+invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the
+Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or
+have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it,
+are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little
+in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else
+should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good
+woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the
+Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities
+sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd,
+or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.
+
+And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for
+the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom
+knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it
+tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again,
+according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick
+with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately
+another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.
+
+And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous;
+but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure
+her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for
+fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an
+heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end
+an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this
+and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband
+without a wife, and the family without a mistris.
+
+Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is
+generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will
+be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all
+sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year
+affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with
+sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad
+to spend much, and at home neglect more.
+
+If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it,
+that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further.
+Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not,
+or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the
+Country that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.
+
+And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat
+to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to
+humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the
+occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he
+pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it,
+because many women are very fearfull upon the water.
+
+But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found
+to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your
+self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much
+molest and disturb you.
+
+You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to
+be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all
+what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can
+be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time
+what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you
+must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child
+would have some hindrance by it.
+
+Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and
+prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with
+child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the
+providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to
+you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not
+alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or
+cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he
+shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.
+
+It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport
+their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the
+summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest
+Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts,
+and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of:
+And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full
+satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some
+great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and
+dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get
+a blemish by it.
+
+If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to
+sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as
+if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and
+whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If
+she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the
+next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall
+nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no
+help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or
+cost what it will.
+
+And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what
+the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their
+superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a
+thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible
+charges and great expence.
+
+But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us
+some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing
+desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy
+Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for
+Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed
+for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear
+before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real
+longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate
+desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply
+imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and
+t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all,
+is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly
+for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very
+middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young
+Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not
+without paying excessive dear for them.
+
+This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and
+nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how
+often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that
+both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night,
+must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or
+some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that
+can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before
+hath an appetite prepared for it?
+
+Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon
+multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a
+griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion
+Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new
+work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what
+he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other
+Physick taken for it.
+
+But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as
+the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the
+Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge
+touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is
+fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her
+good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white
+Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar,
+and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know
+where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found
+in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of
+those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also
+ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or
+Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the
+second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and
+the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a
+glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb,
+and occasions you a good quickness, &c.
+
+Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much
+better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal
+of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the
+back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable
+ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that
+Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good
+an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or
+with an antipathy, by the Patient.
+
+Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a
+higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and
+your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and
+pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes
+you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also
+now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a
+thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties.
+Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six
+months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly
+when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in
+season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then
+that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.
+
+Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not
+these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a
+beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as
+a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart,
+and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience
+thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to
+be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will,
+perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at
+this happiness.
+
+But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and
+Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you
+thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely
+admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected,
+and in a manner too late to repent of.
+
+Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into
+the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this
+unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this
+state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is
+spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all
+to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a
+Midwife and Nurse._
+
+
+In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron
+from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may
+plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one
+acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a
+great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to
+be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to
+provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you
+need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will
+happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff
+unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist
+(as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full
+created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.
+
+And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail,
+that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John
+Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for
+quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because
+you could have no witnesse for your vindication.
+
+You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted
+with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable
+for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.
+
+O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide
+for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the
+months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath
+she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you,
+because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that
+the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger,
+and increaseth the affections.
+
+Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the
+Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the
+disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there
+is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations;
+But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no
+speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her:
+besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone
+till another time.
+
+Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in
+requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her!
+the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full
+of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not
+so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it.
+Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak
+to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so
+imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but
+her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what
+belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her
+acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently
+ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then,
+so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht
+upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers
+were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In
+the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are
+then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word
+is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women
+generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.
+
+But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the
+Maid.
+
+To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the
+Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her
+Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the
+Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom,
+trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells,
+quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to
+school to learn casting of an account.
+
+Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the
+charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to
+market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very
+fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice
+what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it
+might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now
+possess.
+
+Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to
+your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies
+accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all
+things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed
+linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were
+made.
+
+But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice;
+for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go
+and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the
+time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.
+
+Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l
+find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you
+glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of
+importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse,
+because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of
+the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.
+
+Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and
+acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your
+advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you
+may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a
+little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for
+all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst
+the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is
+not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced,
+another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth
+hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short
+there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good
+woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse
+the best.
+
+And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse,
+having already spent above a months time in examining among her
+kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such
+nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few
+to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very
+great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a
+third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much,
+and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid,
+and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a
+one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to
+make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a
+matter of no small weight.
+
+Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you
+may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a
+wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns
+and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very
+cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till
+evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that
+nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how
+mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!
+
+And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments;
+but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that
+she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there
+wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to
+it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with
+the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again
+there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver
+candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought &
+used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not
+fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too &
+again.
+
+Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all
+these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could
+begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom;
+and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the
+rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the
+Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good
+woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring
+eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.
+
+These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly
+the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it
+oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she
+is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she
+happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an
+alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or
+other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor
+husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some
+Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such
+sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal
+keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O
+how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her
+child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which
+makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical
+humours.
+
+But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not
+only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that
+some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and
+withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that
+noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect &
+reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your
+first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither
+will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several
+liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above
+others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.
+
+Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then
+suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges
+to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the
+World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with
+your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine,
+for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the
+Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the
+long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will
+come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much
+joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come
+also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.
+
+Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to
+appear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman falls in Labour._
+
+
+Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent
+and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you
+now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or
+unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of
+these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the
+longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very
+unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble,
+grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and
+fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.
+
+But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said
+that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then?
+should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book,
+and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her
+reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the
+Trade goes forwards.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near
+or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress,
+and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of
+them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every
+day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them,
+they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very
+unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time
+to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing
+upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife
+with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions
+for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye;
+neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should
+not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because
+she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.
+
+Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the
+Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the
+maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night,
+whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells
+in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City:
+(for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that
+she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).
+
+Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for
+a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the
+sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not
+find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to
+some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should
+happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this
+Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take
+any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.
+
+But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter,
+vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in
+labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for
+that time.
+
+But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the
+best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto
+you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a
+hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from
+all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the
+grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your
+self did expect you should have been.
+
+Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out
+of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's
+great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love
+your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is
+also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very
+first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &
+do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless
+you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full
+scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:
+For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all
+things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again;
+therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed
+imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar
+good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to
+her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them
+very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities,
+it is taken to be no small affront.
+
+It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards
+would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard,
+that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing
+before her self; little considering how few people the young people
+had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and
+unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a
+method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen
+between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed
+the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.
+
+'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little
+doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble
+School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that
+this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they
+that are well instructed in it.
+
+Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there
+not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor
+Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is
+in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head,
+not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and
+the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected,
+because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up
+before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of
+another, though they be all near relations and friends.
+
+Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself.
+Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good
+Stierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first
+backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath
+the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool
+gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those
+things he most stands in need of.
+
+Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not
+think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are
+not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the
+Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both
+the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris
+_Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out.
+
+Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of
+breath, to desire to borrow them of Mistris _Buy-all_. And she's
+hardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming pan
+is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the
+Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happens
+that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition
+is this!
+
+Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were
+this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all
+the womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each
+other, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great
+alteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so
+desperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or
+perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath
+prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the
+very girdle of Saint _Francis_ can work here no miracle.
+
+Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this
+come by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve
+that it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the
+Child-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if there
+come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able to
+undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.
+
+'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband
+and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women
+beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their
+cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waies
+refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding the
+sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.
+
+But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us
+five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would
+make every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the great
+Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.
+
+Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you
+shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Womans brought to bed._
+
+
+Ha boys! after all the toiling, the happy hour is at last arrived,
+that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well this
+is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; for the
+good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.
+
+Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is
+so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out
+immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance;
+thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry
+at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what
+earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great
+Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness!
+
+[Illustration: Folio 127. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending
+the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other
+Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris
+_Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things
+topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those
+things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think
+that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to
+have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull
+assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any
+where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a
+rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughing
+thrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, taking
+also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little
+at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much
+admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if
+she were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them
+else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of
+their Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing you
+would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well
+imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are
+Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &
+torn, and a third full of mildew.
+
+Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook
+and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the
+great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the
+Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred
+years old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy
+with it, or take it speedily into his bliss._
+
+Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is
+this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat
+in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!
+
+Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical
+possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be
+a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no
+wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer
+then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a
+Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.
+
+Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum
+trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain
+the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet
+tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And
+I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be
+one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag
+that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one
+that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or
+three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise
+and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others.
+And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse
+for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in
+the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak
+before the other.
+
+But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out
+of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill
+that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads,
+Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by
+experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the
+kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it is
+very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and
+I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the
+soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an
+earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost
+gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into
+another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.
+
+Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath
+busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now
+and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as
+long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them
+audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion
+gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning
+the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is
+seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the
+Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.
+
+In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her
+sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a
+back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just
+now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there
+keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.
+
+Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her,
+and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal
+right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires
+her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as
+many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to
+be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to
+be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do
+what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse,
+it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here
+again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her
+Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other
+that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a
+time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for
+want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the
+tipples.
+
+Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters,
+and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven
+away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured.
+Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue much
+longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her
+her life.
+
+Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure
+to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now
+so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in
+deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull
+time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good
+broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid
+Egs.
+
+But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it
+will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come
+to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of
+understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and
+counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced
+in Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more
+then ordinary, they never want for remedies.
+
+Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting,
+hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as
+this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd;
+and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get
+them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_
+relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast,
+when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by
+only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside,
+and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour,
+without any pain, or the least fear of danger.
+
+Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that
+that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to
+be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore
+it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aqua
+vitae_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of
+Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain
+in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much
+good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make
+use of that, you will never repent it.
+
+But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, and
+found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other
+things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found
+nothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_
+Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.
+
+Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations done
+with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the
+Gentlewoman in Py-yard.
+
+Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a
+secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can
+the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already
+communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it
+who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very
+vigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_
+Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but
+participate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared,
+mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them
+together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the
+Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring
+it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the
+chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it
+doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the
+coming of any more.
+
+Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take a
+little horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for
+that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner.
+
+O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so
+many prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I am
+sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors
+at Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he
+may but once see the back-sides of all these grave and nice
+Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of
+the most accomplished Pleasures.
+
+But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these
+remedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our
+turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a
+swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the
+very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep a
+Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for
+Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever
+chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their
+manner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom
+for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath
+also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and
+who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at
+home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it
+often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now
+and then giving it the sucking bottle.
+
+But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the
+Grandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's
+lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready
+to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaies
+till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so much
+that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to
+_Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a
+good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind
+love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she
+will rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yet
+having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it
+is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at
+quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes
+to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to
+Nurse.
+
+And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new made
+Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and
+mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the
+_East-Indies_, & her child died lately.
+
+This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new
+Father, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now
+all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child;
+the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father
+very well.
+
+Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that
+you may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of
+sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the
+Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with
+nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan
+lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to
+be weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in
+must be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have a
+mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with the
+tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength
+with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laid
+Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for
+you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a more
+strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted
+Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some
+Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young
+Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink two
+or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with the
+finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any
+French wine, for that will too much inflame you.
+
+O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and
+especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink
+again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if
+all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in
+few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her.
+
+This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so
+pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious
+remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at
+these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits
+to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive
+and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife
+may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I
+would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she
+should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she
+might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what
+she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak
+yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what
+is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.
+
+O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and
+carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this!
+And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins
+from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she
+begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of
+coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out
+of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and
+main Pleasure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE NINTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of the Gossips Feast._
+
+
+Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures,
+which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.
+
+But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so
+many joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first
+and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife
+begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her
+grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down
+the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.
+
+But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips
+Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious
+Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult
+who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations
+and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to
+be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can
+ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any
+of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she
+expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them
+that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and
+her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the
+Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women
+understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations
+much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.
+
+O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have
+in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of
+wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be
+your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor
+_Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to
+wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_,
+and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the
+Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near
+relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will
+never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by
+this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a
+Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your
+brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of
+receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap
+it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.
+
+Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no
+sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's
+so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against
+the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think
+on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very
+house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris
+_Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be
+peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it
+forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must
+go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to
+take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the
+Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they
+do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs
+spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good
+colour, equal-size and thickness.
+
+But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these
+incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the
+hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the
+Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father,
+look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty
+darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to
+be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing
+of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and
+all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do
+confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and
+doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the
+Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another,
+that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very
+much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father.
+And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is
+in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have
+drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the
+having very rich laces.
+
+Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed
+woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she
+had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there
+was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every
+one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the
+conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept
+to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with
+Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another
+comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so
+hot.
+
+Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or
+twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you
+other sorts of tales.
+
+In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_
+how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that
+she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished
+room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all
+the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he
+begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets
+some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a
+vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for
+them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other
+savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and
+then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from
+it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer
+then he was before; and what need he care for it then.
+
+Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a
+little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should
+speak of their own Commodities.
+
+O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many
+ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you
+are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and
+discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris
+_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to
+keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had
+feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had
+caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.
+
+At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely
+these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish
+there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably
+handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that
+Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with
+his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped
+it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed
+to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris
+_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously
+stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running
+thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her
+Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and
+then again to have her stockins soled.
+
+It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to
+a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece
+M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close
+conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last
+there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair.
+
+Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twit
+one another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet
+compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the
+corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other
+watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling
+under her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from some
+obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continue
+so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of
+her distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.
+
+Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard such
+rapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve
+there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented
+their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was
+sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly and
+liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat your
+self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon
+Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to
+him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take
+a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all
+things, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, my
+wife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she
+doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve her
+gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good
+body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &
+there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up in
+a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at
+the least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her
+Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but
+then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now
+by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill
+about lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the
+Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than
+before.
+
+And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but
+yet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls
+so bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss,
+that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead of
+putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, &
+sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of
+it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnen
+bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked body
+only in the blanket alone.
+
+O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated and
+entertained all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all their
+curious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertaining
+their husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing of
+you reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talk
+as freely of a Py-corner merchandize.
+
+Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deeds
+to the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master _Laugh wel_, that's a Child! who
+ever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I have
+such a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alone
+together, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould.
+Stay a little, stay a little, saith _Master Fillup_, it may be you
+would not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers who
+were Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in an
+Alehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one of
+them said; Cocksbobs _Jack_ if I had but a Wife, as well as another,
+I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith the
+t'other, it is an easie thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If I
+would, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within the
+space of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a wager
+between them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out of
+dores just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streets
+length, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of an
+errand for her Mistris, and he presently laies her on board. But she
+seemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about her
+business in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred by a
+strange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he,
+you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you may
+certainly beleeve that it is an honest person who speaks to you, and
+only seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous good
+condition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier,
+and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you please
+to admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honest
+man, and none of those that go about to ly and deceive any body; and
+indeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothing
+but an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time found
+one to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms.
+But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to a
+Souldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort of
+levelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldom
+advanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldiers
+life to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any that
+was under the Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finical
+pride did any waies take place by them, but that they, on the
+contrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into their
+thoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again,
+all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want our
+selves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, having
+alwaies something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart,
+doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's
+no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies
+see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards
+and Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c.
+
+In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the
+more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her
+Mistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration. He
+answered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we spend time in
+thinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon any
+thing, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generally
+falls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ah
+my dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yonder
+comes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time,
+till that be past by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, for
+otherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldier
+neither woos nor threatens long.
+
+Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past by
+the Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-box
+for a pledge of marriage; and desired something of her in like manner
+for a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted so
+strongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge of
+marriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went unto
+his Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them the
+Garter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, askt, who it
+was, what her name was, and where she dwelt, &c. And being told by
+another, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well complexion'd Maid,
+By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that I
+could light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, if
+you will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & the
+Maid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'l
+hardly know whether it be me or another.
+
+Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine were
+spent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged to
+keep it secret.
+
+This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at the
+hour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating to
+her several passages that were passed between them the day before, and
+shewing her the Garter, made her beleeve that he was the person that
+had contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leaves
+her service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed,
+is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, the
+second performed; for just nine months after they were married, she
+was brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived very
+peaceably and quietly together.
+
+Well, I'l vow, saith Master _Crossgrain_, that's a very notable
+relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then
+like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to
+you.
+
+_Barebeard_ and _Mally_, who by a sudden accident, without much
+wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was
+published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that
+they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would
+discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the
+Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes
+themselves, which hapned so.
+
+_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained that
+he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a
+good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish
+Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of
+mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the
+Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired
+his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it
+much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She
+on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the
+streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a
+Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon
+his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think
+that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps
+when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth
+for the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered,
+may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that
+he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness,
+and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your
+Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I
+should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go
+alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.
+
+The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such
+sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said _Barebeard_,
+may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with
+whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes.
+Presently _Barebeard_ thrusting his head out at the dore, calls out
+aloud, _Peg_ do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would
+be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall
+seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in
+this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my _Hal_ to
+have tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me at
+another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most
+shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might
+very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second
+consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But
+_Barebeard_ being now married with _Peg_, they got no children: And
+_Mall_ being married to _Hal_, they had both a Son and a Daughter at
+one birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance _Mall_
+had made with _Barebeard_ before hand, & why she would rather marry
+with Hall then with him.
+
+To this again Mistris _Sweetmouth_ relates, that she had been several
+times invited to Mistris _Braves_ labour; and that she had been twice
+brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last
+encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she
+presented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would
+equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk
+again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she
+calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate
+pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which
+she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the
+wonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir,
+as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just
+cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise
+like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to
+be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high
+doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.
+
+But this Story was hardly told before Mistris _Tittle-tattle_ pursued
+it with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two
+years ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris _Gay_, who was then brought
+to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the
+Labour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the
+stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither
+Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only the
+assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered
+of two gallant Children; but they did not live long.
+
+Upon my word, said Mistris _Bounce-about_, it is an excellent help
+when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It
+hapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat
+late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour,
+said this, Mistris _Bounce-about_, if you would now take a walk to the
+Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor
+weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an
+hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep;
+before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband
+must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the
+Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what they
+could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any
+bodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were
+done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the
+Christning cloath instead of the Blanket.
+
+And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would
+burthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more,
+because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, when
+the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times
+they spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that are
+enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that their
+tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who
+hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is
+high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the
+child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.
+
+Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be
+presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind
+and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that
+you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to
+your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you
+receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their
+wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast,
+to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they
+peep into all nooks and corners.
+
+Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but
+prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such
+another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a
+year?
+
+Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your
+running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by her
+self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But
+Nurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies
+sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among
+the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'l
+go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce:
+because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in
+their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the
+times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little
+mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a
+couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for your
+sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises
+but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made
+your bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nurse
+keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up
+the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to
+have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and
+then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the
+twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of
+the Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in
+to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known
+that the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't do
+it that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to get
+their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again
+think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more
+care they will take for the Child.
+
+Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs
+amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will
+nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be
+sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of your
+self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows
+whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet
+with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed
+woman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you may
+certainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that
+you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider with
+her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so
+that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.
+
+Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist
+and mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a
+mess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that
+you'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess of
+body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body
+that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your
+attendance, unless they want you again.
+
+O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that
+you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the
+Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths._
+
+
+Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that of
+Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verily
+one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it is
+impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to
+display it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst
+Painter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but a
+dead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that is
+found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables but
+it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness
+of one of the nine Parts.
+
+Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so
+short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these
+Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before
+the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other.
+
+[Illustration: Folio 188. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine in
+their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity;
+for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be put
+in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!
+'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.
+
+At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty
+pleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable
+discourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matron
+like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friends
+and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also
+who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and
+pleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass,
+_super naculum_ drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you,
+your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you may
+increase and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; because
+that they then might the better come to the Child-bed Feast.
+
+Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss
+your Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray
+God bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our
+Native Country; all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. And
+when you have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with
+the honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well
+is not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousand
+pounds at lest.
+
+And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other
+Women are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put
+in Cloaths upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved to
+morrow morning to be Church'd, & in the afternoon she'l go to market.
+
+She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in
+the second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and
+in the streets, she hath continually observed severall children, and
+the most part of them dressed up in severall sorts of fashions: Some
+of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether that
+be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makes
+her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand
+very neat and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly
+and very dear; but then again it is very comly and handsom. And then
+again she thinks with her self, as long as I am at Market, I'd as good
+go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is for
+our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person;
+therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, the
+price for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure for
+my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his
+mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.
+
+Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing
+much, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When it
+grows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more mony.
+Don't grudge at this for once, because then you would spoil all your
+mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is not
+only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very
+carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd.
+You your self have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a
+while, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for her
+brains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hours
+time, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and suppose
+you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your answer
+from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all
+her thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, one
+among another continually, to order the dressing up of her child.
+
+I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at
+present run a Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and Trade
+are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reason
+of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce,
+nothing near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort
+your self herewith, that it hath hapned oft-times to others, & will
+yet also happen oftner to you. Yet this is one of the least things;
+but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. This
+seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a
+Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than
+you had before.
+
+You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks
+after the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from
+tossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilest others, on the
+contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their houses; begin first to
+tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that the
+Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto
+both Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman
+is yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of
+the Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping hand
+to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatest
+share in it.
+
+By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of
+the Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then,
+out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that she
+might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her
+breasts for the Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off
+with but rocking the most part of the night; for many times it
+happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father,
+Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of
+their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and
+stratagems, yet all's to no purpose.
+
+And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few
+months are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so
+night & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing
+a thousand thousand times over that they might see day-break; and so
+by the comfortable assistance of day-light receive a little solace for
+all their toiling and tumbling too and again.
+
+Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be
+discomforted at this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have
+learnt somthing in the School of Marriage, to exercise their
+patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves contented with all
+things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past,
+they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them
+thanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with
+a slabbering cocurring. And I beleeve now that they clearly find that
+all things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And
+that the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a
+Cloudy Storm.
+
+You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much
+greater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage,
+neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the child
+in the night.
+
+O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you!
+For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your
+Son; and by that means reap the possession again of all those former
+Pleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are an
+excellent good Artist.
+
+If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your
+wife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her
+miscarry. But you have learnt all these things well enough at the
+first, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance.
+
+Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your
+dearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most
+neatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits,
+to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will have
+it made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totally
+finisht against Sunday next.
+
+O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what a pretty Son you have!
+How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows how
+to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better
+pleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too
+short for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City,
+that she may fullfill her desire of shewing it to every body: never
+was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and the Maid with the
+Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides
+seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to
+day. And most especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse
+turn'd away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that she
+now not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walk
+abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also bound to the Child,
+like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly did,
+to walk abroad with _Giles the Baker_, or _John True the Tailor_; nor
+so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred;
+which occasions no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.
+
+But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs
+also to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented
+because your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather think
+with your self, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her.
+And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find that
+in the house and Kitchin things are not so well taken care for, why
+then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of the
+Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you
+enjoied the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child
+should sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe
+were ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any waies roughly
+handled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger:
+Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit all
+your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things,
+and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no
+small Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little young
+Gosling can so perfectly distinguish the tast of the Wine, from the
+tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder years, perhaps
+they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it.
+But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes
+people quickly gray-headed.
+
+Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at
+an end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels
+or small Pox; and then you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might
+not be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no
+wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and
+measeling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary
+there may then perchance appear so many glimps of marriage Pleasures
+from him, that such small things will not be once lookt at.
+
+For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I
+have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a
+pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she
+goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples;
+which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learnt
+to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making of
+Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.
+
+Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in
+seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil
+deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of _French
+manners and behaviours_; and knows also how to dress up her self so
+finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all the
+neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves
+very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they,
+following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct
+one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the
+difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many
+more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also
+to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the
+opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then
+with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards
+with some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of
+Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if
+the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad.
+Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious
+conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a
+bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very
+pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old
+Proverb,
+
+    _As old Birds did, the young ones sing,
+    Which is a very pleasant thing._
+
+Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your
+selves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to
+the very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; and
+perchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one day
+follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your
+happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can
+happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your
+heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then you
+will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into
+your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous
+through the whole World.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+
+Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married
+people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means,
+indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and
+imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations,
+and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths,
+Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their
+own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy
+snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad and
+lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown
+themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then
+it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and
+sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they
+must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and
+vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures,
+is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any
+of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour,
+as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of
+dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching
+into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the
+quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and
+unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number
+(which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and
+Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise
+themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long
+they can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder
+much, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselves
+never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are
+fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may
+disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen
+that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes,
+&c. for we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those
+commodities.
+
+Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out
+of this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a
+woman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon
+amongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hath
+befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self,
+if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the
+acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles
+and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and
+ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter
+of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon
+your heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the
+glorious Apostle, _It is good for man not to touch a woman._
+
+
+THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A LETTER
+
+From one Friend to another,
+
+_Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry._
+
+
+_SIR,_
+
+I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given
+me some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate
+upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is
+a matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered and
+considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate
+it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very
+same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they
+were affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and
+unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more
+freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly
+to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I
+have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then
+you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my
+meaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the
+disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes
+preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for
+the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as are
+not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof.
+Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there
+will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to
+take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies
+of so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity may
+easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a
+burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he
+would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry
+then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a
+thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a
+thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave.
+You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you
+every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to
+awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some
+mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual
+trouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken you
+out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be
+at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many
+insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be
+vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family.
+Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses,
+which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So
+that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his
+daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy
+burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is
+marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities,
+till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch.
+She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour,
+& covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her
+hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her
+bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech
+and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an
+Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive
+with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the
+Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side of
+the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the
+naked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only
+forbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she
+so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is
+repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps
+you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young,
+wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon
+her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love
+her. But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is
+oftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a
+wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent,
+she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted,
+she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of
+her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can
+flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her
+freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you
+will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If she
+love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd,
+she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad
+Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost
+you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one,
+that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters
+with your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all
+your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never
+bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort
+of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if
+you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or
+spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old
+are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the
+innocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and
+women without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. In
+these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them
+that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge
+a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one
+who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the
+middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise
+you to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so much
+discommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it to
+be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it
+bad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, you
+must then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to
+subject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most
+difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist
+her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of all
+her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Now
+you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may
+then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would
+willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it
+would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and
+vertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, and
+say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and
+needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an
+everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to
+your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that
+they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good
+trees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you have
+seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your
+intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And
+beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of
+marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day,
+then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a
+single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel,
+go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight;
+without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and
+Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for
+their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up,
+concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice,
+then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do
+well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me,
+rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be
+
+            SIR
+
+                _Your very humble servant_
+
+                                      A.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      THE
+
+                   CONFESSION
+
+                    OF THE
+
+               NEW MARRIED COUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CONFESSION OF THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE
+               LONDON,
+               PRINTED in the JEAR 1683.
+               _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+
+                      THE
+
+                   CONFESSION
+
+                     OF THE
+
+               NEW MARRIED COUPLE,
+
+                     Being
+
+  The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+
+                    Relating
+
+   _The further delights and contentments that
+       ly masked under the bands of Wedlock._
+
+
+
+          Written by _A. Marsh._ Typogr.
+
+                 [Illustration]
+
+                    LONDON,
+
+             Printed in the year 1683.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO THE READER.
+
+
+Courteous Reader,
+
+_Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to go
+forward with a Second, which I here present thee with; being now
+indifferently confident that it will be no worse used by Thee then the
+Brother of it was: I hope there is never a Part of it, in which thou
+wilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for such as
+profess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of the
+gestur of casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tell
+you a notorious ly, I would not have them to study in it, by reason it
+speaks a great deal of truth, and will not be so suitable to their
+humors; because it is a bundle of matter that is scrambled together,
+which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in such_
+holding forth _Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally make
+use of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace their
+Spirits with a little laughter, and never busie their brains with the
+subversion of State and Church government: And being well received by
+such, it is as much as is expected by him who is thine. Farewell._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+CONFESSION
+
+OF THE
+
+NEW MARRIED COUPLE,
+
+_Being_
+
+The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after many
+traverses and tossings too and again, they return quietly home to
+their studies and rememorates all the unexpected pleasure that they
+encountred with upon the one Coast, and the horrible vexations and
+confusions that they had upon another. And the very penning thereof,
+doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, and
+conveyeth them through all the Countries, without so much as the least
+moving of a foot. Just so it goes with those that have been under the
+Bands of Matrimony, and are loosed from them: These being then come to
+be solitary, at rest, and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorate
+and recogitate what pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartings
+and crosses they met with at other times. And the writing down of
+these, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the received pleasures;
+but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for them
+to recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joys
+are still approaching towards them. And for those which as yet know
+not the sweetness of the Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beacon
+that they may with all earnestness Sail unto it, and possess those
+joys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you Ten Pleasant
+Tables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, and
+not fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the Courteous
+Reader add unto them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Married
+people have since confessed, or to be short with you, was formerly
+wink'd at, and passed over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 9 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIRST PLEASURE.
+
+_The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promised
+Portion._
+
+
+Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First part
+of your Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smal
+delights in it. But what is there in this World that we grow not weary
+of? You have seen that the sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes,
+and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, with al their rich fruits,
+finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of them.
+
+Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as it
+is possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongst
+the rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and this
+appears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it.
+Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you have
+a pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriage
+testifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, your
+apparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditate
+how to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more,
+because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped it
+together with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it unto
+you for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, as
+true bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it;
+to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find that
+they have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verily
+this is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we could
+but any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedly
+the Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull an
+intention of you their children.
+
+And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable,
+then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the daily
+gain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life.
+'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds also
+sometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for the
+most part subject to great and weighty losses, which is the
+destruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part of
+their lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest.
+If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships at
+sea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they will
+assure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they are
+also so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makes
+them very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to be
+feared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himself
+might come to be lost.
+
+But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; for
+every moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, who
+buy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, and
+trust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is brought
+home and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought to
+bed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasure
+can there be then this?
+
+Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistant
+to your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and so
+by degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with the
+customers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers,
+and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain to
+as perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself.
+
+You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman in
+this choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally for
+your self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that death
+should bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimes
+setled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and set
+forward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to have
+children, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in the
+same way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance from
+them, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, and
+over whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children.
+
+And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading grows
+quick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something else
+may be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he will
+alwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure and
+advantagious.
+
+It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to your
+housekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasure
+with your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as if
+your husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that a
+Woman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to the
+Counter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less to
+new men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand the
+Trade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for both
+and junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; but
+little regard must be taken about that, for the importantest must
+alwaies be taken care of.
+
+And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment,
+begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the former
+pleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that are
+more noble and becoming, _viz._ in the well governing of your Men and
+Maid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that they
+be obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going to
+Market with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress it
+to your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatly
+drest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view of
+Newgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when your
+got a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatly
+and finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in the
+standing stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy and
+Mammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever you
+go, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at home
+again in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when you
+have it) to be by your Baby.
+
+And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friends
+and neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were in
+Bridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you have
+Ascen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion.
+And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you may
+sing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. So
+that you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, tho
+you be a little tied to a Shop.
+
+This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by some
+of the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop,
+and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means make
+that you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers.
+
+O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who is
+otherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, by
+his friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who at
+first seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutely
+contented.
+
+O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bent
+upon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands of
+Wedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very well
+be said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth.
+
+Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate too
+monstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to be
+found in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible,
+melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vail
+their Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Minerals
+as soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others.
+
+Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitcht
+upon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, French
+Manufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be much
+better, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied and
+Musk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, Bon
+Christian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greek
+and Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine;
+which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast,
+and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procure
+as many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiar
+acquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away much
+mony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats and
+Feastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when she
+received an honourable visit.
+
+O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife!
+that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit and
+necessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jot
+out of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing and
+delightfull, and must be every foot bought again.
+
+Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and Sackerdijne
+Wood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. And
+you are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner and
+Cabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by the
+hand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiously
+together, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that you
+would swear it is all of one piece.
+
+Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things go
+thus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be,
+at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when this
+trouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted,
+gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture.
+
+O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will be
+when this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at one
+Counter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringing
+commodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring and
+weighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enough
+with telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with the
+Customers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to pass
+that your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and left
+them unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as they
+did, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembred
+Sign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run into
+your Neighbors Shops.
+
+I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper,
+first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson,
+but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name,
+of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to the
+generation. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customed
+Shopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out the
+sign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boy
+whose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinction
+between them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, which
+also remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only among
+the Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also among
+Coachmen, Wagoners, and others.
+
+But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to our
+new married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for the
+earnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and their
+Trading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, tho
+he was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come to
+this great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in the
+way, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much the
+pleasanter.
+
+For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will be
+wanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that must
+be sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also with
+patience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and bad
+paymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promised
+Portion.
+
+Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had made
+his full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promised
+Portion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally ready
+told of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will pay
+my son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, when
+there's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are better
+furnisht, will then give him the principal.
+
+And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, since
+other mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for an
+answer, _With young men must be promised, and with daughters must be
+given._ And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as by
+example, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound,
+whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give in
+marriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes to
+nothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive and
+hood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians.
+
+It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things are
+discovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can come
+to the true pleasure.
+
+But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side,
+you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend your
+principal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate,
+for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more in
+gaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estate
+could bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenues
+thereof received and consumed long before they were due.
+
+'s Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, is
+this approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to her
+Guardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in.
+But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition than
+he thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in her
+apparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there's
+not only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet to
+be paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Brides
+apparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinary
+pleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how many
+hundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, that
+otherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore one
+may easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and that
+Lovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in search
+of it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of the
+Guardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with a
+very close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw ten
+double salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they can
+but help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; and
+afterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match.
+But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with,
+is well known to the whole World.
+
+You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aim
+to possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchanting
+voices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you upon
+the _Scylla_ and _Charibdis_ where the Hellish Furies seem to keep
+their habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, and
+such as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards both
+Pleasure, Mirth and Joy.
+
+[Illustration: 27 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now to
+their full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy such
+multiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities of
+kisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vast
+Estate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate,
+there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together in
+it; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part the
+imperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait.
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND PLEASURE.
+
+_The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the
+Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions._
+
+
+Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two,
+sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together,
+how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith
+the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew
+and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights.
+
+Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the
+longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their
+affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow
+some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things
+in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall
+alwaies live thus, _Salamander_-like in the fire, without being ever
+indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean
+while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married
+Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall
+brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.
+
+But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other
+pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind
+imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here
+it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the
+young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the
+more frank and jocund.
+
+    _So, that to us, her countenance doth display
+    Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day._
+
+But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self
+insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new
+married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the
+very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon
+Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of
+a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks,
+and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.
+
+And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that
+he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid
+their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But
+his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he
+ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.
+
+But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and
+drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself
+inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that
+by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them
+understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;
+and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from
+your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal,
+or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he,
+if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily.
+
+Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night
+discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has
+walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best
+for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so
+from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family
+duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the
+matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of
+Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink
+Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack.
+
+Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers
+affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he
+resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to
+that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or
+that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby
+commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as
+if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and
+down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it
+himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate
+instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary
+delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a
+huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid
+Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.
+
+But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather
+weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who
+immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty
+or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old
+Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a
+time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent
+for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples
+of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.
+
+But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife;
+therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German
+Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his
+country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr
+zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des
+Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das
+Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze
+kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht,
+aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret
+warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal
+tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber
+triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und
+Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch
+gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe
+und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel
+gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es
+is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und
+mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich
+zein._
+
+_In English thus._
+
+Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in
+the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree,
+if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of
+sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously
+cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and
+take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use
+of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with
+fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps
+and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and
+Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately
+Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you
+will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very
+acceptable to your dearly beloved.
+
+Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter,
+and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of
+words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth,
+for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is
+therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling
+and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him
+take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker
+and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send
+for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him,
+that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins
+of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm
+to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him
+that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c.
+Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground
+of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.
+
+O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward,
+it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor,
+who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails
+to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery
+of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to
+account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the
+Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the
+tiding of a new Bankrupt.
+
+But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for
+nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new
+remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.
+
+    Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij._
+
+And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and
+Tansies, &c.
+
+Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this
+manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is
+not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately
+come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of
+consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken
+such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so
+powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband
+who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly
+sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and
+mollifie it with showers of tears.
+
+But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with
+this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it
+known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you
+before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and
+instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir,
+we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half
+your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your
+wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate
+Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the
+like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives
+lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor
+hath taken so much the better care for it.
+
+Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the
+same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last
+receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.
+
+And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce
+abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast
+up a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be most
+cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to
+hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to
+the further matter of fact.
+
+For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the last
+Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through
+Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'd
+so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truth
+Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were
+troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in
+through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that
+you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too
+true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks
+or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing
+a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master
+_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get
+as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running
+behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into
+France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company
+together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then
+when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you
+and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good
+advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell
+together, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump,
+that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired
+mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.
+
+At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having
+toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh
+Kan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to be
+familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom
+bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon,
+as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very
+cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads,
+that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy;
+having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.
+
+But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take
+some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man
+privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her
+displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise
+of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling,
+answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he
+hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to
+know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will
+have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear
+anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.
+
+A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and
+walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of
+Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt,
+Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the
+t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep.
+What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love,
+answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes
+Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said)
+alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!
+
+There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon a
+new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to
+break of.
+
+But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the
+Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith,
+Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by
+my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel,
+saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not
+without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband
+hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of
+Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.
+
+But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the
+Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as
+it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you
+expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are
+yet other Nuts to be krackt.
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD PLEASURE.
+
+_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's
+sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing._
+
+
+It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel
+striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made
+and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying
+in.
+
+[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes
+a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a
+journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers
+in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which
+means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of
+his Shop-keeping.
+
+Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their
+loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young
+woman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume her
+self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer
+this.
+
+Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of
+mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not
+then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible
+and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these
+two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number
+of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are
+used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the
+reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these
+effeminate passions.
+
+Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between
+her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and
+using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart
+merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her
+bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she,
+suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with
+me!
+
+But because time and good company help to decline and pass away
+sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit
+opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good
+acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to
+come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they
+have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times
+with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that
+she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And
+she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because
+one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her
+Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her
+pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for
+trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat
+she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with
+this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty
+Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a
+gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and
+acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.
+
+To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies
+appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer
+themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their
+Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of
+themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done
+and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the
+mony as well as her husband.
+
+Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a
+Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake
+Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to
+stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid
+Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and
+_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt
+to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook
+must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must
+run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves,
+Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun,
+and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all
+those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be
+a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of
+Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because
+they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that
+bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also
+but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town,
+and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats
+so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day
+following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part
+once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what
+will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this
+three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the
+Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat
+hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and
+in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters,
+and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be
+fetcht ne'r so far.
+
+Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago
+was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly
+there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then
+womens tears!
+
+But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently,
+therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover
+there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical
+Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their
+Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the
+sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to
+be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the
+Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had
+not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the
+pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there
+was no looking for them.
+
+Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in
+sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have
+been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but
+now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber,
+Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest
+Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in
+their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked.
+They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that
+in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf,
+Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one
+of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to
+act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to
+discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as
+these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never
+seen that they practised this lesson themselves.
+
+But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing
+of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School,
+and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants,
+who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in,
+and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses
+footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad
+together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that
+we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures
+of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.
+
+Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease,
+will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal
+should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby
+will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in
+private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a
+publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort
+of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have
+gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry
+roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.
+
+But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered
+with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or
+another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences,
+serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very
+indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do
+arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner
+
+    _Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
+    Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._
+
+Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the
+delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be
+in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies:
+For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in
+their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses
+dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have
+done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they
+do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be
+not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very
+courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and
+complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least
+Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards,
+that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then
+again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the
+night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part
+of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they
+dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.
+
+Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very
+artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers
+as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves
+with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever
+they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a
+good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.
+
+Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how
+to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them
+happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this
+continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at
+first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and
+not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into
+their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions
+very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition
+taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance
+to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor
+be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number
+of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may
+there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises,
+so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other
+things plenty, for little or nothing.
+
+But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations,
+that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our
+kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about
+the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole
+bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible
+amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have
+received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and
+conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its
+cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not
+able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the
+company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be
+at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must,
+with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or
+sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting,
+every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins,
+that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it
+by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and
+wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that
+the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so
+much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then
+finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of
+joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions
+are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other
+side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all
+things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.
+
+All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in
+th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an
+cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that
+they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O
+mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into
+this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the
+further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is
+preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.
+
+[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._
+
+
+As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner,
+the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the
+greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities
+Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed
+or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry
+white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling
+stars.
+
+It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable
+multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure,
+that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of
+Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.
+
+You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you
+have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want
+the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it
+safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free
+dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in
+between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!
+
+Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal
+of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the
+preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and
+taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally
+hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there,
+coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out
+of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten
+times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither
+for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but
+dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which
+sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall
+have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.
+
+And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very
+subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above
+all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a
+great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And
+then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to
+be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant,
+should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that
+the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping
+are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is
+impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a
+Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot
+to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it
+is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony,
+to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when
+her husband is gone from home.
+
+And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great
+sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must
+be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with
+every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch
+that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is
+needful for his occasion from his Wife.
+
+Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies
+see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good
+observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for
+Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or
+increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and
+she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and
+understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be
+gotten forward or gone backward in the World.
+
+And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath
+alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to
+all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within
+dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands
+hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress,
+&c.
+
+With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel
+know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true
+pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while
+busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and
+self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and
+guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That
+it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is,
+whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but
+added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into
+an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be
+striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse
+imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these
+reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept
+as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest
+they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived
+of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name
+but cannot obtain the effect.
+
+In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by
+clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and
+makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of
+the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly
+flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to
+deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with
+abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make
+some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which
+makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to
+give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.
+
+And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth
+so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him
+pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means
+making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge,
+though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if
+she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes
+to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as
+modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases
+her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty
+acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some
+petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and
+tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but
+that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had
+for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that
+perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.
+
+Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins
+to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making
+thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the
+cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and
+finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be
+short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on,
+though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear
+it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like
+other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.
+
+In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can,
+and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times
+there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats,
+Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and
+habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease
+of some friend, &c.
+
+Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband,
+imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it
+all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd
+Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and
+means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to
+the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a
+pain, patience is the best remedy.
+
+But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_,
+have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of
+your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in
+each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality,
+interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies;
+the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife
+wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt
+but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.
+
+And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at
+Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the
+occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and
+therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to
+Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime,
+delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many
+great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that
+they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great
+sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very
+prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner,
+Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully
+after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one
+year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread;
+and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their
+Lords and husbands.
+
+These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the
+Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of
+my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that
+her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.
+
+But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are
+shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like
+manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and
+every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he
+hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half
+finished are weary of it. Therefore
+
+    _To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed,
+    For many do repent, untill that they be dead;
+    But if avoided then, by you it cannot be,
+    A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._
+
+[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and
+loss of time is discovered._
+
+
+Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most
+cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind
+and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the
+Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the
+occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and
+Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is
+many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self
+like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the
+Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things
+must run to a total destruction.
+
+Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost
+indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their
+affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are
+earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live
+honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children
+and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a
+laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of
+diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no
+evening too late for them.
+
+But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent
+of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a
+Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and
+about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in
+his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can
+blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far,
+that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his
+whole delight ought to be.
+
+If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study,
+because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see
+what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take
+yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would
+certainly be a dead man, &c.
+
+And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend,
+who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the
+very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong
+liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next
+morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty
+glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then
+to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him,
+it causes the better operation.
+
+Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he
+takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the
+Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for
+it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.
+
+For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to
+visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient
+walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other
+in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!
+
+Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are
+all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another,
+to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily
+concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the
+contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of
+Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal
+worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in
+the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of
+Wine.
+
+Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen,
+accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest
+Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in
+Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do
+in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full
+purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own.
+And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns;
+they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to
+chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this
+part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning,
+they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their
+wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and
+agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment
+received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries
+mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long,
+till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt
+up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner
+leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.
+
+By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves;
+making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other
+Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will,
+or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other
+end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at
+Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then
+they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there
+to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half
+carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that
+they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus
+all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.
+
+The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and
+others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but
+the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some
+Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings,
+or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath
+not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or
+occasion for any such sort of businesses.
+
+And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these
+sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to
+have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to
+obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much
+tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs
+and business to be imploied therein.
+
+Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others,
+oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and
+Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the
+arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and
+Wares, are risen or fallen in price.
+
+Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their
+Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an
+hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the
+Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though
+it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek
+some Pot-Companions.
+
+These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the
+Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the
+Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish
+Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there
+is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable
+of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock
+strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were
+never so late.
+
+There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go
+out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures
+for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with
+selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and
+talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and
+call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water
+Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua
+mirabilis.
+
+And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason
+that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of
+the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their
+afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and
+Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are
+early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the
+Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that
+more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found
+at the Playhouses.
+
+Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures
+in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along
+the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and
+at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their
+Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal
+of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to
+be chatting and chaffering with.
+
+These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and
+Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all
+their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the
+very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of
+their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and
+Counting-houses.
+
+Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts,
+spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and
+all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home
+they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the
+World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a
+gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.
+
+    _No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port,
+    Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._
+
+Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the
+forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there,
+and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their
+Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their
+Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon
+the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending
+the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts,
+Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers,
+and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young
+ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run
+to destruction.
+
+But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon
+certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the
+Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three
+hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend
+there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport.
+Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are
+forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops
+either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most
+convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if
+they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great
+valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty
+imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that
+his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John
+Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks
+before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire
+Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.
+
+Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers,
+coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the
+Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to
+fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in
+his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but
+seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of
+Guinneys.
+
+Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep
+alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit;
+never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary
+dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs
+too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his
+reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their
+Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour
+of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each
+Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers,
+half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the
+reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and
+chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to
+be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best
+places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen,
+in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching
+the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations,
+Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or
+heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.
+
+It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a
+Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part
+must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty
+of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went
+away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all
+spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth
+then the mony.
+
+In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with
+the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for
+the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in
+Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the
+Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage
+on the mens side.
+
+But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath
+more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the
+feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good
+Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the
+pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their
+fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the
+more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the
+less.
+
+And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies
+him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about
+the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he
+did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be
+a much more rare and pleasant sight.
+
+There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that
+consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with
+Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with
+Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their
+Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound,
+and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they
+hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and
+there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh
+in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the
+Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go
+themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like
+beasts then men.
+
+This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs
+at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be
+screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers;
+though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away
+they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then
+the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at
+her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the
+belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is
+much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching
+him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with
+little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the
+Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under
+the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and
+roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie
+caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this
+most noble victory.
+
+Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the
+Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns
+him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the
+Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up
+to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small
+joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then
+there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the
+Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being
+furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his
+paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs;
+there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the
+stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no
+mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth
+him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.
+
+But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate
+the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing
+temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes
+do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never
+so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:
+
+    _When Women long, it harms by chance,
+    But mens desire's a worser dance._
+
+And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to
+Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon
+day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of
+Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece,
+and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse,
+and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer
+nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd
+persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate
+their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry,
+Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances.
+Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily
+swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to
+send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.
+
+If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some
+pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein,
+that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily
+satisfie their longing appetites.
+
+Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to
+make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies
+so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the
+consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found
+out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of
+an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have
+intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons
+throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least
+symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are
+like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for
+all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and
+when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if
+they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes
+Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the
+Water be changed in to Wine.
+
+Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to
+know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some
+hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what
+news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels,
+or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must
+buy and read them, let it cost what it will.
+
+Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great
+prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of
+the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations
+know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they
+never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the
+weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of
+the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which
+many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and
+touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the
+governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for
+when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the
+person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own
+business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.
+
+'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves,
+observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves
+easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle
+salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of
+their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings
+with eys of pleasure.
+
+Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a
+kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are
+infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times,
+and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in
+looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do
+come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.
+
+But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height,
+that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans
+contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely
+perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives
+go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they
+ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to
+the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away,
+concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.
+
+But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two
+agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in
+taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto
+you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad,
+and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall
+tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all
+things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again
+in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take
+delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his
+pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.
+
+If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes
+spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for
+you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and
+every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.
+
+You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the
+Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and
+Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out
+of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very
+good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore
+think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will
+have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they
+are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis
+also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their
+affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great
+_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly
+their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and
+greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the
+actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of
+his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in
+passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at
+night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.
+
+'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of
+love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if
+he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the
+Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to
+a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the
+Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes
+happens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For these
+smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition
+between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and
+Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where
+there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as
+soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight,
+that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the
+t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine
+that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should
+live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay,
+if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those
+Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though
+_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would
+make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither
+immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that
+you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and
+away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming
+in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is
+taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other
+Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that he
+tasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far
+delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he
+acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first
+word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the
+same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink,
+the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good
+Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All
+good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint.
+Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with
+the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and
+this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by
+the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that
+it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they
+every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a
+few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally
+squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but
+keeping them late out from their families; and making them like
+incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when
+they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to
+their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl
+or chide with.
+
+To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter,
+Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they
+commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and
+Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a
+large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;
+thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very
+subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and
+advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes
+catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that
+they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they
+stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and
+know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have
+made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let
+them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for
+nothing of grumbling and mumbling.
+
+      _Some sorts of men,
+      Are Tyrants when,
+    Their thirsty Souls are fill'd:
+      They scold sore hot
+      Like_ Peep in th' Pot
+    _And never can be still'd.
+      They talk and prate_
+      At such a rate,
+    And think of nought but evil;
+      They fight and brawl,
+      And Wives do mawl,
+    Though all run for the Divel.
+      But at their draugh,
+      They quaff and laugh
+    Amongst their fellow creatures.
+      They swear and tear
+      And never fear
+    Old _Nick_ in his worst features.
+      Who would but say
+      Then, by the way
+    That Woman is distressed,
+      Who must indure
+      An Epicure
+    With whom she'll ne'r be blessed.
+
+In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they are
+hot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the bad
+examples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some there
+are that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if they
+were their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort of
+difference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it,
+know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence and
+respect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government over
+their children.
+
+Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen,
+and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of some
+important affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, that
+his fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay as
+deep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share of
+all things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him in
+the ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter,
+drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himself
+very diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so long
+that going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fell
+into a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said,
+Father! are we not now like brothers?
+
+By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples,
+may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sort
+of president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater of
+excessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequent
+Taverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among good
+acquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is but
+seldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; but
+he's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to the
+highest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times in
+the Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; upon
+which sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made:
+
+    _Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing,
+    Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing._
+
+But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs;
+and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market,
+there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready,
+and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you have
+very relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glas
+of wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk up
+stairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish for
+greater Pleasure then this!
+
+O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you can
+keep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition is
+there in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendly
+and well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardly
+once in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And although
+it did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions,
+which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, or
+somtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they were
+all drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more grief
+and horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell it
+self. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance a
+hundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood.
+
+But where is there one among all the whole number of tender young
+Gentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, that
+doth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; and
+beleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the least
+possessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps with
+some what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not wel
+in his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are his
+companions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certain
+imbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to be
+discovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated.
+
+This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance for
+marrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider,
+the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the most
+gaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us,
+that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree.
+
+And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alike
+natured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together,
+there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction;
+unless it happen that the understanding of the one knows
+extraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimes
+letting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they may
+the prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in the
+Haven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrary
+suffer most miserable Shipwrack.
+
+[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIXTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel
+for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured._
+
+
+Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it
+is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming
+that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men
+oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl
+and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill
+name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now
+a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for
+farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to
+see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile.
+
+Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect
+these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of
+the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that
+the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be
+possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you
+had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you
+would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to
+be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged;
+for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those
+pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the
+better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the
+gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and
+Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of
+fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put
+them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this
+wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury.
+Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are
+descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the
+good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved.
+
+But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we
+consider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not
+in the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part of
+the masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silent
+in Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthing
+to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly,
+that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be
+going hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to
+smoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if
+then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers
+in the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should
+not in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, and
+that she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of his
+Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order,
+and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as
+mention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so
+excessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to get
+notable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselves
+would have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be found
+in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.
+
+O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand,
+to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and
+houskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you,
+as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who would
+not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront
+or bespatter you?
+
+I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that
+will be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken
+Nabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and
+how little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave a
+Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds
+or provocatives they have given her for so doing.
+
+Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad
+natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands,
+had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was
+Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to
+scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and
+to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or
+that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to
+govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no
+means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up
+their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these
+hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands,
+as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would
+be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.
+
+Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and
+all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no
+difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is
+alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your
+husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the
+sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the
+Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you
+could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily
+and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many
+times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and
+grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and
+if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little
+more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of
+fate.
+
+So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first
+and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature,
+thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to
+her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more
+increase in matters of the housekeeping.
+
+But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having
+bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be
+his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and
+mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome
+he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove
+this, which was in some measure done.
+
+But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a
+couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but
+the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of
+them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back
+again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the
+cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made
+ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and
+dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he
+came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and
+must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary
+persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the
+ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife,
+frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the
+breeches solely to his wife.
+
+Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent
+handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured
+Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a
+Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and
+chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet
+expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage;
+yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings.
+But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and
+that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and
+catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence,
+that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the
+remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father
+and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured
+obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the
+intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce
+concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again
+her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay
+his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they
+are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.
+
+Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good
+mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her
+authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that
+in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt,
+and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The
+incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this
+martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to
+cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of
+him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her
+three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew
+Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she
+on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and
+fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the
+head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who
+can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to
+feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the
+more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily
+replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women,
+who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks,
+and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will
+be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being
+married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their
+masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their
+husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that
+there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon
+the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind
+compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand
+wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and
+ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it
+were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.
+
+O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your
+hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what
+means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind
+actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the
+main Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through this
+short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life,
+what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned
+upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?
+
+Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves
+to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or
+strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace
+their kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty.
+
+But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of
+so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will,
+contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a
+pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a
+proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a
+mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues.
+
+This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when
+he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with
+their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an
+inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage
+by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious
+remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and
+cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues
+might in brightness and splendor surpass others.
+
+Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts
+of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is
+beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know
+her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in
+marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring
+Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of
+marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast
+your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the
+Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable
+in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered
+brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune and
+tranquility.
+
+Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the
+Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.
+
+Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and
+imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to
+obey.
+
+Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one
+finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and
+self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner
+than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.
+
+Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own
+Master.
+
+Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently
+considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.
+
+Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in
+love, was not given to the Gods themselves.
+
+Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before
+she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn
+to make a cursie.
+
+If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke
+of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all
+the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.
+
+If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they
+will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a
+slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this
+time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to
+hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or
+expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he
+said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they
+be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be
+unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if
+they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be
+perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very
+vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a
+price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.
+
+And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there
+be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd
+against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as
+they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you
+have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times,
+never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who
+will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken
+of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.
+
+Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.
+
+Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of
+a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation
+will tumble.
+
+Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction.
+For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.
+
+Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of
+such as are of an evill reput.
+
+    _To be a lover of such houses,
+    Makes him to think of other Spouses._
+
+If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.
+
+Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay
+their very gain is loss.
+
+Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are
+fit for nothing.
+
+If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband.
+Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and
+nature is given unto him.
+
+In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the
+expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is
+subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in
+the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were
+a Looking-glass.
+
+
+
+
+THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave
+housekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their
+Children._
+
+
+It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing
+flourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a
+whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house;
+and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort
+it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems
+that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our
+dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our
+Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough
+to complain.
+
+And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already,
+in that short time that you have been married, experience that things
+do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true
+you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest
+of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with
+those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so
+much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.
+
+[Illustration: 135 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they
+were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality,
+to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet
+there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul
+because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is
+esteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight in
+it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they may
+keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children
+indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are
+imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are
+worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered
+much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then
+the others before was.
+
+O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess
+now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their
+plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then
+theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by
+consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the
+easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many
+knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats.
+
+Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you
+can hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort your
+selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your
+marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as
+diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and
+good Trading.
+
+But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then
+increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad
+paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at
+home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is
+Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their
+Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the
+Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration
+of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies
+in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the
+Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look
+upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.
+
+Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of
+Exchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea,
+and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the
+Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, and
+provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several
+other sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting.
+Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding
+the year in Pleasure.
+
+But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you
+live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these
+affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures.
+
+Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and
+have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things
+were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle
+fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding,
+and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your
+Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about your
+Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you
+are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And
+great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you.
+
+Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but
+observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect
+and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with
+honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father
+you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if
+your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this
+your advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage.
+For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with
+them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to
+the World.
+
+Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid
+great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to
+consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less
+price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or
+two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet
+with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in
+besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to
+Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work
+accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your
+house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate
+some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable
+and delightfull to be heard.
+
+Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath
+not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased
+her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good
+company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in
+Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may
+learn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are
+accompanied with?
+
+But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such
+guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general
+imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is
+pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide
+such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never
+so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but
+they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and
+that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all
+what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and
+nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more,
+you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It
+happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners
+after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more
+work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides.
+
+This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any
+thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in
+the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns;
+where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest
+people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that sees
+them either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able
+to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights;
+and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to
+debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private
+chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.
+
+But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the
+mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is
+alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because
+the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of
+housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent
+mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.
+
+Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and
+behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is
+advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you will
+find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a
+transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of
+your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of
+large Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and
+Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever
+else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her
+sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare
+all things, and to take care that there may not so much as a match
+negligently be thrown away.
+
+Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of
+knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the
+streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget
+and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time,
+before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be put
+to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of
+walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now
+on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things,
+and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much
+as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never
+thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her
+delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and
+servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and
+setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with
+this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough
+ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the
+service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before
+she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave
+houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough
+stoutly.
+
+O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so
+many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in
+that most illustrious School!
+
+'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will
+say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of
+when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so
+costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat!
+alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this
+the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make
+a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and
+her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily
+and sluttishly at her house.
+
+'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse
+the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O
+well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten
+such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple
+Clouds.
+
+But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow
+comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and
+suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling
+with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice of
+every dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no
+understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies
+standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all
+covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows
+are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them.
+Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by
+reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their
+houskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger of
+breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these
+ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no
+body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are
+seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the
+occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and
+sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins
+out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and
+seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the
+sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that
+all is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to their
+Creditors.
+
+Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the
+unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others:
+And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like a
+prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and
+delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution,
+diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting
+up of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will so
+root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and
+grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the
+good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your
+children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your
+footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough,
+thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if
+it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst
+Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.
+
+[Illustration: 151 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.
+
+_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he
+hath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a
+Scholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a
+Schollerlike life is._
+
+
+Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is
+none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up
+healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon
+open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish,
+as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the
+clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion;
+insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their
+teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow
+up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs
+have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little
+bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son
+to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her
+caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin.
+
+Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to
+another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and
+courteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example!
+But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases,
+that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.
+
+Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son;
+for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or
+Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors
+sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which
+purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out
+of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such
+a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the
+night for it.
+
+What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the
+necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it,
+and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps
+it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a
+mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune
+consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away
+he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk
+furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and
+sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot.
+
+Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he
+wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent,
+sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do
+but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and
+pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew
+him their great love and affection.
+
+But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no
+small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to
+so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never
+at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust
+by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her
+needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such
+sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain,
+when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop.
+
+This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home,
+gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks
+such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but
+to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is
+but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of
+Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein
+yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means
+resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up
+in the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of her
+husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is
+yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what
+a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of
+his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a
+month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the
+City must have one or other penalty paid them.
+
+Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less
+melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he
+can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all
+diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the
+Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the
+evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a
+pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have
+experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their
+son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with
+severall natural and kind reproofs.
+
+'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink.
+What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.
+
+    _The son his mind to study is full bent,
+    Or else will live upon his yearly rent._
+
+Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience.
+Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be
+conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the
+ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is
+worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how
+to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So
+that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.
+
+    _The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,
+    Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._
+
+Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will,
+the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and
+there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of
+the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so
+nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull
+Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And
+moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately
+he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch,
+was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary
+intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him
+go out again.
+
+A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning
+letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the
+Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he
+wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an
+extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without
+suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.
+
+For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies
+they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies,
+Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to,
+unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very
+learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at
+Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his
+promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired
+more.
+
+But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so
+perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother
+merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance,
+that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes
+of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth;
+and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry
+together.
+
+Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to
+sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very
+neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that
+will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink,
+smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do,
+touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable
+statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written
+thus before my Chamber of Books:
+
+    _Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,
+    One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._
+
+The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good
+hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be
+expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary
+and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their
+son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the
+more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of
+mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some
+antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and
+their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad
+accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the
+Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage,
+and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist
+because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated
+by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.
+
+This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if
+there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to
+see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible
+augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and
+wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by
+all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.
+
+As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they
+come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only
+concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places
+also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps
+may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is
+therefore at present clapt up.
+
+Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four
+Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor,
+and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their
+absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly
+weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to
+expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And
+he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be
+neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they
+took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it
+looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the
+Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but
+said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little
+mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted
+my delicately painted house.
+
+But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies
+abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students
+generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst
+other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the
+covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of
+them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor
+made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the
+Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man.
+Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very
+cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.
+
+Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of
+mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example,
+for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this
+trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged,
+and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets
+hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the
+malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean
+while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if
+they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of
+them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that
+there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run
+forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators
+increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding
+it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets,
+cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived,
+till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I
+know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a
+Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities
+that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for
+them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the
+throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not
+trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his
+doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take
+them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat;
+in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth,
+buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay,
+saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown
+pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body
+else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by
+the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces
+which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he
+began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the
+Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The
+Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my
+own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the
+Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably
+beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.
+
+By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is
+true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom
+Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to
+be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother,
+whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off;
+write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his
+Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him;
+therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all
+possible speed immediately come thither, &c.
+
+Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter
+delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least
+distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while,
+these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the
+Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber,
+away they went without paying.
+
+To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far
+from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and
+bound her to a Post.
+
+'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since
+they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these
+Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there
+came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad
+to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors
+Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off
+these planks, tear up this Post, &c.
+
+In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon;
+begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him
+those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so
+poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting
+him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.
+
+Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in
+what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and
+understands that they were Students which had taken their march
+towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man
+with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away
+runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order
+to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be
+examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with
+two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white
+Letters.
+
+    _Garden-Theef._
+
+These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till
+they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer
+such shame and punishment for his winter firing.
+
+Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had
+taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but
+hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it
+before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of
+them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night
+Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the
+Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in
+peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.
+
+Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live
+in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are
+Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from
+these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that
+all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and
+disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked
+pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal
+Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of
+Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such
+multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it
+all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they
+can eat or carry away.
+
+And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in
+Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to
+commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they
+can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at,
+and esteemed to be an heroick act.
+
+It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little
+boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite,
+which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The
+Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy,
+then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of
+the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his
+middle in a great many knots, then went their way.
+
+Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the
+Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold
+back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious
+blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let
+fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was
+unhappily drowned.
+
+It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the
+petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents,
+each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one
+acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness,
+lavishness, and troublesomness.
+
+Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the
+World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and
+Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is
+an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from
+their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And
+though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or
+other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than
+ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long
+till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it
+apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life,
+or else flies his Country, to save it.
+
+Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole
+nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away
+Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close
+with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then
+senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling
+and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a
+Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his
+voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become
+learned Doctors.
+
+Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential
+Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths,
+books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to
+their Parents soundly peppered.
+
+Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their
+Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without
+the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for
+promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a
+daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which
+knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and
+mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda
+is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well
+how to empty the Students Pockets.
+
+Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are
+indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that
+their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in
+his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because
+they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a
+very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of
+those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.
+
+But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their
+wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long
+time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court
+Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other
+vocation, be cast in their teeth.
+
+Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave
+themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that
+it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves.
+But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with
+commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but
+fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some
+considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours,
+perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a
+rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage
+or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means
+will hardly maintain them.
+
+If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs
+away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he
+hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his
+Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first
+Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if
+their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been
+obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!
+
+But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents;
+yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason
+that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their
+Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in
+the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.
+
+These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the
+full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and
+have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while,
+all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness,
+cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To
+that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves,
+curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece
+of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over
+shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the
+beholders.
+
+These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a City
+Maid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keener
+Swords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men,
+then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women.
+
+This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclination
+towards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family and
+indifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally make
+use of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is come
+to be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriage
+this is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge.
+Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay with
+his Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and the
+Prentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all means
+marry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for the
+Parents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors than
+Pleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be at
+home by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view and
+tuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected,
+occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that brings
+up children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, that
+it would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all the
+Confessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running a
+horse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our well
+married Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied.
+
+You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricks
+and actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of a
+liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not
+brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he
+is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will,
+when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see
+him to be a great man.
+
+[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddest
+and wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to be
+noble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom we
+could relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that the
+revealing of that Confession would not be ill taken.
+
+Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possession
+of the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with the
+contention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over your
+Children, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed.
+For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your own
+spinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities;
+because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of the
+Pleasures of Marriage.
+
+
+
+
+THE NINTH PLEASURE.
+
+_Of base conditioned Maid-servants._
+
+
+'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the children
+take such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils;
+the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, and
+the Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, they
+appear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when we
+perceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, and
+that these light hearted Students finally come to be gallant
+Practitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largest
+Pleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected.
+
+So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active and
+airy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; or
+rather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and grow
+to be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these are
+natural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to your
+expectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's a
+Prentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a Plush
+Jacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the several
+examples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved to
+be the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at large
+prostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you do
+herein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage.
+
+But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations which
+house-keeping people have not only from children, but from
+base-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; done
+unto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish and
+stifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his Base
+Viol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon the
+Virginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charm
+all the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; then
+it is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a due
+obedience.
+
+Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they have
+gotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss;
+immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer over
+her; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, she
+knows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, to
+order and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them,
+and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, and
+that so_.
+
+And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by this
+some times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise again
+as their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailing
+Gossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and if
+their Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleases
+them, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled with
+the simples, a Sugar-sop, &c.
+
+But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into a
+service where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that looks
+sharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she's
+damnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss will
+not understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to her
+hair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as I
+command you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let your
+Mistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you must
+hire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c._
+
+How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she no
+sooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires out
+servants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistresses
+insulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her by
+some houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands the
+ordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and loves
+Children, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that her
+Aunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c.
+
+Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a means
+to earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service,
+and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, to
+turn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and then
+to recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenient
+for the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may be
+near her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c.
+
+Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by a
+Widower, and can order and govern all things now according to her own
+mind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess.
+Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, and
+watches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly and
+neat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a good
+humour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she loves
+Children so well that she would be helping to get one her self. To
+which purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too and
+again about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comes
+to his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire side
+with her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, with
+the key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or with
+a short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master,
+to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder to
+rub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner of
+inticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Master
+have any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnare
+him. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt some
+indifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening pretty
+merry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there,
+Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you this
+bed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it._ Whereupon the Maid
+answered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, I
+must have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it._ The
+answer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms,
+throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spite
+of all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married,
+then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that she
+had so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines.
+
+But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a view
+what kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth with
+her new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a very
+honest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self security
+for her fidelity.
+
+Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistriss
+perceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for the
+better certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in a
+glass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back,
+but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet before
+she sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it over
+the smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs that
+soot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, as
+she did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, the
+Mistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass was
+impressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who can
+abstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheep
+come out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in three
+daies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much more
+mirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cup
+to be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that Goody
+Busie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that she
+is mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get an
+Angel a year the more wages for it.
+
+But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'other
+causes her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave to
+go to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock in
+the evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, the
+children must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neither
+is it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'other
+may attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go on
+Sundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon I
+should walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very good
+opportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c.
+
+She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks that
+she has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed to
+retort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she had
+been talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her but
+the Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of her
+physiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs,
+that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she would
+not be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the same
+time Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like manner
+prognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire,
+that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and that
+her Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the least
+fifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, and
+Fairing.
+
+Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, and
+Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould;
+for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the
+t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both
+of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter,
+to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry
+themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew
+themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire
+in one hand and water in the t'other.
+
+These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses,
+with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries;
+keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, which
+know many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold and
+brawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly and
+basely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours to
+recommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their own
+houses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear as
+precise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time.
+
+This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when they
+cannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder they
+do not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are some
+that are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargain
+that they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinary
+devout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins,
+to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, or
+such like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie their
+fleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor and
+wretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by their
+husbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But what
+delight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'd
+Comb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing.
+
+These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so long
+aimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick their
+fingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon the
+Dunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorable
+poverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitable
+people; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentable
+and terrible to be related.
+
+By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort of
+people have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature and
+actions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vast
+quantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many are
+damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants,
+salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds,
+lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over
+Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish
+Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must,
+therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so
+especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many
+times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of
+the adversities that may befall it.
+
+This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one after
+t'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come in
+again. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a
+new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve
+the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a
+tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times
+observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
+
+O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make a
+conclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worth
+and value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark in
+their own Family.
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTH PLEASURE.
+
+_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous.
+And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to be
+divorced._
+
+
+As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people;
+and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, on
+the contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with bad
+Trading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasions
+and raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquiets
+their rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flying
+fancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill of
+Exchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. because the
+emptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors too
+much impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain,
+that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxations
+annually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From this
+it proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run a
+wool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumble
+and mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship:
+for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeat
+to the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there is
+no state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kind
+of imperficiency.
+
+[Illustration: 197 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
+
+This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company,
+be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And the
+woman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controuling
+and commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet nevertheless
+when John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William the
+Bookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or else
+credit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal of
+prudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other.
+
+The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: And
+for that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. But
+because this can be of no long continuance, some do measure their
+business smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire out
+their Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of some
+movables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and great
+trust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, the
+commodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happen
+to people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as our
+self-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenter
+of company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wife
+are concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for trading
+in Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied;
+and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or such
+like Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looks
+but sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife do
+contend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine to
+have the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discourse
+with their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl,
+chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather mars
+then mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family is
+such a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued.
+
+Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they know
+how, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausible
+words can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; and
+rather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprove
+their deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudent
+Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonish
+their wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them.
+
+But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in their
+brains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest,
+the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly.
+For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before his
+servants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wife
+lustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her so
+bitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honest
+people: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cut
+many times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bilds
+thereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity,
+which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick he
+is ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he would
+be laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl,
+scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks upon
+his Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none of
+them knowing the least reason in the World for it.
+
+In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap his
+wife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is so
+divellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he also
+never can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon his
+nose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reason
+for it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundation
+of implacable hatred.
+
+Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it is
+a great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and every
+way to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such a
+jealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth,
+then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because in
+his absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in his
+presence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who have
+had experience of it, and it never went well with any Family where
+this damned house-divel ever got an entrance.
+
+'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But such
+Loggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evill
+doings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, now
+begins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husband
+is so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured;
+and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides,
+that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so much
+from those of former times, and especially from them of the first
+year; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are the
+occasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fine
+Gipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led away
+by some or other charming Punk.
+
+And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, that
+somewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he had
+just as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks before
+came home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals had
+taken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how he
+related not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening,
+with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdy
+houses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsom
+there, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason to
+suspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers.
+
+And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way,
+imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay,
+the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, his
+coming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest,
+seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage is
+so monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun,
+and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appear
+again. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice,
+that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and the
+Wife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such a
+shrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane,
+or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian is
+not sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue.
+
+Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in
+these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with
+jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or
+who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the
+dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look
+sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it
+be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab,
+poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the
+love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that
+through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These married
+Couple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together,
+because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forth
+such evill fruits.
+
+Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like the
+Athenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be united
+and pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort of
+superiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people;
+whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; and
+to constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with each
+other. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scolding
+married people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live in
+better tranquility.
+
+But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use all
+the means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, then
+reunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical and
+Ecclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons by
+each party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatest
+reason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples,
+wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble;
+especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit and
+reputation, who have procreated severall children together. For this
+jealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among people
+of great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be some
+which so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, and
+suffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it is
+impossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are in
+the Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister who
+dwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all this
+unkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire to
+be set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had read
+all the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds by
+the example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like a
+Fish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net,
+where she knows that she never can get out again: According to these
+following Verses, which she hath sung so many times:
+
+    _You may in sea lanch when you will,
+      To see the boistrous Main,
+    Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill,
+      Fore you return again.
+    The married state, is much like this,
+      O'rewhelm'd with many crosses,
+    Yet must be born, see how it is,
+      With tauntings, toils, and losses._
+
+But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors,
+just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses;
+for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designs
+and indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed and
+Table: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done by
+death, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again for
+a new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though it
+might lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward of
+his jealousie.
+
+And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, between
+him and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, that
+those who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted by
+death; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation,
+have just remained alive.
+
+Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudent
+Chyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made an
+operation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: And
+that they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, that
+they might the better excuse those of their Adversary.
+
+O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like a
+Looking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure and
+tranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out of
+their hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live long
+together, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both might
+inherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing their
+second-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree to
+the whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise the
+folly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they have
+more knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece ever
+had; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed the
+married estate to be the best and commendablest though some of them
+were married to women, who notably bore the sway.
+
+We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus that
+pleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever give
+himself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief,
+trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary,
+that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understanding
+appears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened by
+marriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-married
+Couple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, ought
+to look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such a
+second-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for the
+exhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude with
+that faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and Philosopher
+Marcus Aurelius: saying, _Because the life of Man cannot remain
+without Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise,
+and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as much
+as the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in the
+World, have not so much poison spread or contained in their whole
+bodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue._
+
+
+THE END OF THE SECOND PART OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The
+Confession of the New-married Couple (1682), by A. Marsh
+
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