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diff --git a/old/13649.txt b/old/13649.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b78d00e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13649.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1686 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Laughable Lyrics, by Edward Lear + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Laughable Lyrics + +Author: Edward Lear + +Release Date: October 8, 2004 [eBook #13649] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAUGHABLE LYRICS*** + + +E-text prepared by Dave Newman, Ben Courtney, A. Deubelbeiss, Stan +Goodman, and Project Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which + includes the original illustrations and music clips as well as + midi, pdf, and lilypond files. + See 13649-h.htm or 13649-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/4/13649/13649-h/13649-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/4/13649/13649-h.zip) + + + + + +LAUGHABLE LYRICS + +A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc. + +by + +EDWARD LEAR + +Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_, +_Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc., etc. + +With all the Original Illustrations + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONTENTS + + LAUGHABLE LYRICS + THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE + THE TWO OLD BACHELORS + THE PELICAN CHORUS + THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bo + THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES + THE NEW VESTMENTS + MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS + THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT + THE CUMMERBUND + THE AKOND OF SWAT + + NONSENSE BOTANY + + " ALPHABET, No. 5 + " " No. 6 + + + + + +LAUGHABLE LYRICS. + + +THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE. + +[Illustration] + + When awful darkness and silence reign + Over the great Gromboolian plain, + Through the long, long wintry nights; + When the angry breakers roar + As they beat on the rocky shore; + When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights + Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,-- + + Then, through the vast and gloomy dark + There moves what seems a fiery spark,-- + A lonely spark with silvery rays + Piercing the coal-black night,-- + A Meteor strange and bright: + Hither and thither the vision strays, + A single lurid light. + + Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,-- + Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; + And ever as onward it gleaming goes + A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. + And those who watch at that midnight hour + From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, + Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- + "The Dong! the Dong! + The wandering Dong through the forest goes! + The Dong! the Dong! + The Dong with a luminous Nose!" + + Long years ago + The Dong was happy and gay, + Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl + Who came to those shores one day. + For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,-- + Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd + Where the Oblong Oysters grow, + And the rocks are smooth and gray. + And all the woods and the valleys rang + With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- + "_Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live; + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, + And they went to sea in a sieve._" + + Happily, happily passed those days! + While the cheerful Jumblies staid; + They danced in circlets all night long, + To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, + In moonlight, shine, or shade. + For day and night he was always there + By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, + With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; + Till the morning came of that hateful day + When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, + And the Dong was left on the cruel shore + Gazing, gazing for evermore,-- + Ever keeping his weary eyes on + That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- + Singing the Jumbly Chorus still + As he sate all day on the grassy hill,-- + "_Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live; + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, + And they went to sea in a sieve_." + + But when the sun was low in the West, + The Dong arose and said,-- + "What little sense I once possessed + Has quite gone out of my head!" + And since that day he wanders still + By lake and forest, marsh and hill, + Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, + Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! + For ever I'll seek by lake and shore + Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!" + + Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, + Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; + And because by night he could not see, + He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree + On the flowery plain that grows. + And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- + A Nose as strange as a Nose could be! + + Of vast proportions and painted red, + And tied with cords to the back of his head. + In a hollow rounded space it ended + With a luminous Lamp within suspended, + All fenced about + With a bandage stout + To prevent the wind from blowing it out; + And with holes all round to send the light + In gleaming rays on the dismal night + + And now each night, and all night long, + Over those plains still roams the Dong; + And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe + You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, + While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, + To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; + Lonely and wild, all night he goes,-- + The Dong with a luminous Nose! + And all who watch at the midnight hour, + From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, + Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, + Moving along through the dreary night,-- + "This is the hour when forth he goes, + The Dong with a luminous Nose! + Yonder, over the plain he goes,-- + He goes! + He goes,-- + The Dong with a luminous Nose!" + + + + +THE TWO OLD BACHELORS. + +[Illustration] + +Two old Bachelors were living in one house; +One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. +Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,-- +"This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, +Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, +And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money? +And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, +But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?" + +Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,-- +"We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'! +If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; +But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!" + +Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town +And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down; +They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found +In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round. + +But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, +And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; +And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-- +An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. +Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,-- +And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits! +Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),-- +When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps." + +Those two old Bachelors without loss of time +The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; +And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, +They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book. + +"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in! +We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!" + +But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, +At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; +And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-- +At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; +And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want + of Stuffin'), +The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin. + +They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; +And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more. + + +[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Pelicans] + +[Illustration] + +THE PELICAN CHORUS. + + King and Queen of the Pelicans we; + No other Birds so grand we see! + None but we have feet like fins! + With lovely leathery throats and chins! + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still + + We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. + By night we sleep on the cliffs above; + By day we fish, and at eve we stand + On long bare islands of yellow sand. + And when the sun sinks slowly down, + And the great rock walls grow dark and brown, + + Where the purple river rolls fast and dim + And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, + Wing to wing we dance around, + Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, + Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; + And this is the song we nightly snort,-- + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + Last year came out our Daughter Dell, + And all the Birds received her well. + To do her honor a feast we made + For every bird that can swim or wade,-- + Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, + Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, + Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, + Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds: + Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! + They ate and drank and danced all night, + And echoing back from the rocks you heard + Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,-- + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + Yes, they came; and among the rest + The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. + Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float + Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; + With pea-green trowsers all so neat, + And a delicate frill to hide his feet + (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows + He has got no webs between his toes). + + As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, + In violent love that Crane King fell,-- + On seeing her waddling form so fair, + With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. + And before the end of the next long day + Our Dell had given her heart away; + For the King of the Cranes had won that heart + With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. + She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, + Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; + And away they flew in a gathering crowd + Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + And far away in the twilight sky + We heard them singing a lessening cry,-- + Farther and farther, till out of sight, + And we stood alone in the silent night! + Often since, in the nights of June, + We sit on the sand and watch the moon,-- + + She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain, + And we probably never shall meet again! + Oft, in the long still nights of June, + We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,-- + She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. + And we probably never shall see her more. + Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! + We think no Birds so happy as we! + Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! + We think so then, and we thought so still! + + +[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Yonghy Bonghy Bo] + +THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + On the Coast of Coromandel + Where the early pumpkins blow, + In the middle of the woods + Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + Two old chairs, and half a candle, + One old jug without a handle,-- + These were all his worldly goods: + In the middle of the woods, + These were all the worldly goods + Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bo. + + + II. + + Once, among the Bong-trees walking + Where the early pumpkins blow, + To a little heap of stones + Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + There he heard a Lady talking, + To some milk-white Hens of Dorking,-- + "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! + On that little heap of stones + Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + III. + + "Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! + Sitting where the pumpkins blow, + Will you come and be my wife?" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + "I am tired of living singly-- + On this coast so wild and shingly,-- + I'm a-weary of my life; + If you'll come and be my wife, + Quite serene would be my life!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + IV. + + "On this Coast of Coromandel + Shrimps and watercresses grow, + Prawns are plentiful and cheap," + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + "You shall have my chairs and candle, + And my jug without a handle! + Gaze upon the rolling deep + (Fish is plentiful and cheap); + As the sea, my love is deep!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + V. + + Lady Jingly answered sadly, + And her tears began to flow,-- + "Your proposal comes too late, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + I would be your wife most gladly!" + (Here she twirled her fingers madly,) + "But in England I've a mate! + Yes! you've asked me far too late, + For in England I've a mate, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + + + VI. + + "Mr. Jones (his name is Handel,-- + Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) + Dorking fowls delights to send, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, + And your jug without a handle,-- + I can merely be your friend! + Should my Jones more Dorkings send, + I will give you three, my friend! + Mr. Yonghy-Bongy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + + + VII. + + "Though you've such a tiny body, + And your head so large doth grow,-- + Though your hat may blow away, + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! + Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, + Yet I wish that I could modi- + fy the words I needs must say! + Will you please to go away? + That is all I have to say, + Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bo! + Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!" + + + VIII. + + Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, + Where the early pumpkins blow, + To the calm and silent sea + Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, + Lay a large and lively Turtle. + "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; + On your back beyond the sea, + Turtle, you shall carry me!" + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + [Illustration] + + + IX. + + Through the silent-roaring ocean + Did the Turtle swiftly go; + Holding fast upon his shell + Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + With a sad primaeval motion + Towards the sunset isles of Boshen + Still the Turtle bore him well. + Holding fast upon his shell, + "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" + Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + X. + + From the Coast of Coromandel + Did that Lady never go; + On that heap of stones she mourns + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + On that Coast of Coromandel, + In his jug without a handle + Still she weeps, and daily moans; + On that little heap of stones + To her Dorking Hens she moans, + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, + For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. + + + + +THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Pobble who has no toes + Had once as many as we; + When they said, "Some day you may lose them all;" + He replied, "Fish fiddle de-dee!" + And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink + Lavender water tinged with pink; + For she said, "The World in general knows + There's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes!" + + + II. + + The Pobble who has no toes, + Swam across the Bristol Channel; + But before he set out he wrapped his nose + In a piece of scarlet flannel. + For his Aunt Jobiska said, "No harm + Can come to his toes if his nose is warm; + And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes + Are safe--provided he minds his nose." + + + III. + + The Pobble swam fast and well, + And when boats or ships came near him, + He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell + So that all the world could hear him. + And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, + When they saw him nearing the further side,-- + "He has gone to fish, for his Aunt Jobiska's + Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!" + + + IV. + + But before he touched the shore,-- + The shore of the Bristol Channel, + A sea-green Porpoise carried away + His wrapper of scarlet flannel. + And when he came to observe his feet, + Formerly garnished with toes so neat, + His face at once became forlorn + On perceiving that all his toes were gone! + + + V. + + And nobody ever knew, + From that dark day to the present, + Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, + In a manner so far from pleasant. + Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, + Or crafty Mermaids stole them away, + Nobody knew; and nobody knows + How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes! + + + VI. + + The Pobble who has no toes + Was placed in a friendly Bark, + And they rowed him back, and carried him up + To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. + And she made him a feast, at his earnest wish, + Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish; + And she said, "It's a fact the whole world knows, + That Pobbles are happier without their toes." + + + + +THE NEW VESTMENTS. + + There lived an old man in the Kingdom of Tess, + Who invented a purely original dress; + And when it was perfectly made and complete, + He opened the door and walked into the street. + + By way of a hat he'd a loaf of Brown Bread, + In the middle of which he inserted his head; + His Shirt was made up of no end of dead Mice, + The warmth of whose skins was quite fluffy and nice; + His Drawers were of Rabbit-skins, so were his Shoes; + His Stockings were skins, but it is not known whose; + His Waistcoat and Trowsers were made of Pork Chops; + His Buttons were Jujubes and Chocolate Drops; + His Coat was all Pancakes, with Jam for a border, + And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order; + And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, + A Cloak of green Cabbage-leaves stitched all together. + + He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise, + Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings, and Boys; + And from every long street and dark lane in the town + Beasts, Birdies, and Boys in a tumult rushed down. + Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage-leaf Cloak; + Four Apes seized his Girdle, which vanished like smoke; + Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, + And the tails were devour'd by an ancient He Goat; + An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his + Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies; + And while they were growling, and mumbling the Chops, + Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops. + He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, + For scores of fat Pigs came again and again: + They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors; + They tore off his stockings, his shoes, and his drawers; + And now from the housetops with screechings descend + Striped, spotted, white, black, and gray Cats without end: + They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, + When Crows, Ducks, and Hens made a mincemeat of that; + They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice, + And utterly tore up his Shirt of dead Mice; + They swallowed the last of his Shirt with a squall,-- + Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all. + + And he said to himself, as he bolted the door, + "I will not wear a similar dress any more, + Any more, any more, any more, never more!" + + + + +MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS. + + I. + + Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos + Climbed to the top of a wall. + And they sate to watch the sunset sky, + And to hear the Nupiter Piffkin cry, + And the Biscuit Buffalo call. + They took up a roll and some Camomile tea, + And both were as happy as happy could be, + Till Mrs. Discobbolos said,-- + "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + It has just come into my head, + Suppose we should happen to fall!!!!! + Darling Mr. Discobbolos! + + + II. + + "Suppose we should fall down flumpetty, + Just like pieces of stone, + On to the thorns, or into the moat, + What would become of your new green coat? + And might you not break a bone? + It never occurred to me before, + That perhaps we shall never go down any more!" + And Mrs. Discobbolos said, + "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + What put it into your head + To climb up this wall, my own + Darling Mr. Discobbolos?" + + + III. + + Mr. Discobbolos answered, + "At first it gave me pain, + And I felt my ears turn perfectly pink + When your exclamation made me think + We might never get down again! + But now I believe it is wiser far + To remain for ever just where we are." + And Mr. Discobbolos said, + "Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + It has just come into my head + We shall never go down again, + Dearest Mrs. Discobbolos!" + + + IV. + + So Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos + Stood up and began to sing,-- + "Far away from hurry and strife + Here we will pass the rest of life, + Ding a dong, ding dong, ding! + We want no knives nor forks nor chairs, + No tables nor carpets nor household cares; + From worry of life we've fled; + Oh! W! X! Y! Z! + There is no more trouble ahead, + Sorrow or any such thing, + For Mr. and Mrs. Discobbolos!" + + + + +THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + On the top of the Crumpetty Tree + The Quangle Wangle sat, + But his face you could not see, + On account of his Beaver Hat. + For his Hat was a hundred and two feet wide, + With ribbons and bibbons on every side, + And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace, + So that nobody ever could see the face + Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + + II. + + The Quangle Wangle said + To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, + "Jam, and jelly, and bread + Are the best of food for me! + But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree + The plainer than ever it seems to me + That very few people come this way + And that life on the whole is far from gay!" + Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + + III. + + But there came to the Crumpetty Tree + Mr. and Mrs. Canary; + And they said, "Did ever you see + Any spot so charmingly airy? + May we build a nest on your lovely Hat? + Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! + O please let us come and build a nest + Of whatever material suits you best, + Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" + + + IV. + + And besides, to the Crumpetty Tree + Came the Stork, the Duck, and the Owl; + The Snail and the Bumble-Bee, + The Frog and the Fimble Fowl + (The Fimble Fowl, with a Corkscrew leg); + And all of them said, "We humbly beg + We may build our homes on your lovely Hat,-- + Mr. Quangle Wangle, grant us that! + Mr. Quangle Wangle Quee!" + + + V. + + And the Golden Grouse came there, + And the Pobble who has no toes, + And the small Olympian bear, + And the Dong with a luminous nose. + And the Blue Baboon who played the flute, + And the Orient Calf from the Land of Tute, + And the Attery Squash, and the Bisky Bat,-- + All came and built on the lovely Hat + Of the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + VI. + + And the Quangle Wangle said + To himself on the Crumpetty Tree, + "When all these creatures move + What a wonderful noise there'll be!" + And at night by the light of the Mulberry moon + They danced to the Flute of the Blue Baboon, + On the broad green leaves of the Crumpetty Tree, + And all were as happy as happy could be, + With the Quangle Wangle Quee. + + + + +THE CUMMERBUND. +An Indian Poem. + + I. + +She sate upon her Dobie, + To watch the Evening Star, +And all the Punkahs, as they passed, + Cried, "My! how fair you are!" +Around her bower, with quivering leaves, + The tall Kamsamahs grew, +And Kitmutgars in wild festoons + Hung down from Tchokis blue. + + + II. + +Below her home the river rolled + With soft meloobious sound, +Where golden-finned Chuprassies swam, + In myriads circling round. +Above, on tallest trees remote + Green Ayahs perched alone, +And all night long the Mussak moan'd + Its melancholy tone. + + + III. + +And where the purple Nullahs threw + Their branches far and wide, +And silvery Goreewallahs flew + In silence, side by side, +The little Bheesties' twittering cry + Rose on the flagrant air, +And oft the angry Jampan howled + Deep in his hateful lair. + + + IV. + +She sate upon her Dobie, + She heard the Nimmak hum, +When all at once a cry arose, + "The Cummerbund is come!" +In vain she fled: with open jaws + The angry monster followed, +And so (before assistance came) + That Lady Fair was swollowed. + + + V. + +They sought in vain for even a bone + Respectfully to bury; +They said, "Hers was a dreadful fate!" + (And Echo answered, "Very.") +They nailed her Dobie to the wall, + Where last her form was seen, +And underneath they wrote these words, + In yellow, blue, and green: +"Beware, ye Fair! Ye Fair, beware! + Nor sit out late at night, +Lest horrid Cummerbunds should come, + And swollow you outright." + + +NOTE.--First published in _Times of India_, Bombay, July, 1874. + + + + +THE AKOND OF SWAT. + + + Who, or why, or which, or _what_, Is the Akond of SWAT? + Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? + Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair, or SQUAT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Is he wise or foolish, young or old? + Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or HOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, + And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk, or TROT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? + Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, or a COT, + The Akond of Swat? + + When he writes a copy in round-hand size, + Does he cross his T's and finish his I's with a DOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Can he write a letter concisely clear + Without a speck or a smudge or smear or BLOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Do his people like him extremely well? + Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or PLOT, + At the Akond of Swat? + + If he catches them then, either old or young, + Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, or _shot_, + The Akond of Swat? + + Do his people prig in the lanes or park? + Or even at times, when days are dark, GAROTTE? + O the Akond of Swat! + + Does he study the wants of his own dominion? + Or doesn't he care for public opinion a JOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + To amuse his mind do his people show him + Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or WHAT, + For the Akond of Swat? + + At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, + Do they bring him only a few small cakes, or a LOT, + For the Akond of Swat? + + Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? + Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, or a DOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he like to lie on his back in a boat + Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, SHALLOTT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? + Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ, or a SCOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave? + Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, or a GROTT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? + Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a POT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, + When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, or ROT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, + And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a KNOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? + When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, or NOT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? + Does he sail about on an inland lake, in a YACHT, + The Akond of Swat? + + Some one, or nobody, knows I wot + Who or which or why or what + Is the Akond of Swat! + + +NOTE.--For the existence of this potentate see Indian newspapers, _passim_. +The proper way to read the verses is to make an immense emphasis on the +monosyllabic rhymes, which indeed ought to be shouted out by a chorus. + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE BOTANY. + + +[Illustration: Armchairia Comfortabilis.] + +[Illustration: Bassia Palealensis.] + +[Illustration: Bubblia Blowpipia.] + +[Illustration: Bluebottlia Buzztilentia.] + +[Illustration: Crabbia Horrida.] + +[Illustration: Smalltoothcombia Domestica.] + +[Illustration: Knutmigrata Simplice.] + +[Illustration: Tureenia Ladlecum.] + +[Illustration: Puffia Leatherbellowsa.] + +[Illustration: Queeriflora Babyoeides.] + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE ALPHABETS. + + + A + + [Illustration] + + A was an Area Arch + Where washerwomen sat; + They made a lot of lovely starch + To starch Papa's Cravat. + + + B + + [Illustration] + + B was a Bottle blue, + Which was not very small; + Papa he filled it full of beer, + And then he drank it all. + + + C + + [Illustration] + + C was Papa's gray Cat, + Who caught a squeaky Mouse; + She pulled him by his twirly tail + All about the house. + + + D + + [Illustration] + + D was Papa's white Duck, + Who had a curly tail; + One day it ate a great fat frog, + Besides a leetle snail. + + + E + + [Illustration] + + E was a little Egg, + Upon the breakfast table; + Papa came in and ate it up + As fast as he was able. + + + F + + [Illustration] + + F was a little Fish. + Cook in the river took it + Papa said, "Cook! Cook! bring a dish! + And, Cook! be quick and cook it!" + + + G + + [Illustration] + + G was Papa's new Gun; + He put it in a box; + And then he went and bought a bun, + And walked about the Docks. + + + H + + [Illustration] + + H was Papa's new Hat; + He wore it on his head; + Outside it was completely black, + But inside it was red. + + + I + + [Illustration] + + I was an Inkstand new, + Papa he likes to use it; + He keeps it in his pocket now, + For fear that he should lose it. + + + J + + [Illustration] + + J was some Apple Jam, + Of which Papa ate part; + But all the rest he took away + And stuffed into a tart. + + + K + + [Illustration] + + K was a great new Kite; + Papa he saw it fly + Above a thousand chimney pots, + And all about the sky. + + + L + + [Illustration] + + L was a fine new Lamp; + But when the wick was lit, + Papa he said, "This Light ain't good! + I cannot read a bit!" + + + M + + [Illustration] + + M was a dish of mince; + It looked so good to eat! + Papa, he quickly ate it up, + And said, "This is a treat!" + + + N + + [Illustration] + + N was a Nut that grew + High up upon a tree; + Papa, who could not reach it, said, + "That's _much_ too high for me!" + + + O + + [Illustration] + + O was an Owl who flew + All in the dark away, + Papa said, "What an owl you are! + Why don't you fly by day?" + + P + + [Illustration] + + P was a little Pig, + Went out to take a walk; + Papa he said, "If Piggy dead, + He'd all turn into Pork!" + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + Q was a Quince that hung + Upon a garden tree; + Papa he brought it with him home, + And ate it with his tea. + + + R + + [Illustration] + + R was a Railway Rug + Extremely large and warm; + Papa he wrapped it round his head, + In a most dreadful storm. + + + S + + [Illustration] + + S was Papa's new Stick, + Papa's new thumping Stick, + To thump extremely wicked boys, + Because it was so thick. + + + T + + [Illustration] + + T was a tumbler full + Of Punch all hot and good; + Papa he drank it up, when in + The middle of a wood. + + + U + + [Illustration] + + U was a silver urn, + Full of hot scalding water; + Papa said, "If that Urn were mine, + I'd give it to my daughter!" + + + V + + [Illustration] + + V was a Villain; once + He stole a piece of beef. + Papa he said, "Oh, dreadful man! + That Villain is a Thief!" + + + W + + [Illustration] + + W was a Watch of Gold: + It told the time of day, + So that Papa knew when to come, + And when to go away. + + + X + + [Illustration] + + X was King Xerxes, whom + Papa much wished to know; + But this he could not do, because + Xerxes died long ago. + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + Y was a Youth, who kicked + And screamed and cried like mad; + Papa he said, "Your conduct is + Abominably bad!" + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + Z was a Zebra striped + And streaked with lines of black; + Papa said once, he thought he'd like + A ride upon his back. + + + + +ALPHABET, No. 6. + + A tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood, + + B said. "My Boy, oh, do not cry; it cannot do you good!" + + C said, "A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm." + + D said, "A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm." + + E said, "An Egg beat up with milk would quickly make him well." + + F said, "A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell." + + G said, "Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold." + + H said, "His Hat should be kept on, to keep him from the cold." + + I said, "Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon." + + J said, "Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon!" + + K said, "A Kangaroo is here,--this picture let him see." + + L said, "A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea." + + M said, "A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction." + + N said, "Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction." + + O said, "An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink." + + P said, "Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think." + + Q said, "A Quince I recommend,--a Quince, or else a Quail." + + R said, "Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail." + + S said, "A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!" + + T said, "A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half!" + + U said, "An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!" + + V said, "I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!" + + W said, "Some Whisky-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!" + + X said, "Some double XX ale would be the best of all!" + + Y said, "Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect plaster!" + + Z said, "Here is a box of Zinc! Get in, my little master! + We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down! We will, my little + master! + We think we've all heard quite enough of this your sad + disaster!" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAUGHABLE LYRICS*** + + +******* This file should be named 13649.txt or 13649.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/4/13649 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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