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diff --git a/old/13647.txt b/old/13647.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ddc8ea --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13647.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3196 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Nonsense Song, by Edward Lear + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Nonsense Song + +Author: Edward Lear + +Release Date: October 8, 2004 [eBook #13647] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NONSENSE SONG*** + + +E-text prepared by Dave Newman, Ben Courtney, and Project +Gutenberg Distributed Proofreaders + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 13647-h.htm or 13647-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/4/13647/13647-h/13647-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/4/13647/13647-h.zip) + + + + + +NONSENSE SONG + +Stories, Botany, and Alphabets + +by + +EDWARD LEAR + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + + +CONTENTS + + NONSENSE SONGS. + THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT + THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO + THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY + THE JUMBLIES + THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS + CALICO PIE + MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW + THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS THE TABLE AND THE + CHAIR + + NONSENSE STORIES. + THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD + THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE + + NONSENSE COOKERY + + NONSENSE BOTANY + + NONSENSE ALPHABET, No. 1 + " " No. 2 + " " No. 3 + + + + + +NONSENSE SONGS. + + +THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea + In a beautiful pea-green boat: + They took some honey, and plenty of money + Wrapped up in a five-pound note. + The Owl looked up to the stars above, + And sang to a small guitar, + "O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love, + What a beautiful Pussy you are, + You are, + You are! + What a beautiful Pussy you are!" + + + II. + + Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl, + How charmingly sweet you sing! + Oh! let us be married; too long we have tarried: + But what shall we do for a ring?" + They sailed away, for a year and a day, + To the land where the bong-tree grows; + And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood, + With a ring at the end of his nose, + His nose, + His nose, + With a ring at the end of his nose. + + + III. + + "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling + Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." + So they took it away, and were married next day + By the Turkey who lives on the hill. + They dined on mince and slices of quince, + Which they ate with a runcible spoon; + And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, + They danced by the light of the moon, + The moon, + The moon, + They danced by the light of the moon. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, + "Good gracious! how you hop + Over the fields, and the water too, + As if you never would stop! + My life is a bore in this nasty pond; + And I long to go out in the world beyond: + I wish I could hop like you," + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. + + + II. + + "Please give me a ride on your back," + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo: + "I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack' + The whole of the long day through; + And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, + Over the land, and over the sea: + Please take me a ride! oh, do!" + Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. + + [Illustration] + + + III. + + Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, + "This requires some little reflection. + Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck; + And there seems but one objection; + Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, + Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, + And would probably give me the roo- + Matiz," said the Kangaroo. + + [Illustration] + + + IV. + + Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, + I have thought over that completely; + And I bought four pairs of worsted socks, + Which fit my web-feet neatly; + And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak; + And every day a cigar I'll smoke; + All to follow my own dear true + Love of a Kangaroo." + + + V. + + Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready, + All in the moonlight pale; + But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady, + And quite at the end of my tail." + So away they went with a hop and a bound; + And they hopped the whole world three times round. + And who so happy, oh! who, + As the Duck and the Kangaroo? + + [Illustration] + + + + +THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs, + Dressed in brown and gray, + Walked about upon the sands + Upon a summer's day: + And there among the pebbles, + When the wind was rather cold, + He met with Mr. Floppy Fly, + All dressed in blue and gold; + And, as it was too soon to dine, + They drank some periwinkle-wine, + And played an hour or two, or more, + At battlecock and shuttledore. + + + II. + + Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs + To Mr. Floppy Fly, + "Why do you never come to court? + I wish you 'd tell me why. + All gold and shine, in dress so fine, + You'd quite delight the court. + Why do you never go at all? + I really think you _ought_. + And, if you went, you'd see such sights! + Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights! + And, more than all, the king and queen,-- + One in red, and one in green." + + + III. + + "O Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" + Said Mr. Floppy Fly, + "It's true I never go to court; + And I will tell you why. + If I had six long legs like yours, + At once I'd go to court; + But, oh! I can't, because _my_ legs + Are so extremely short. + And I'm afraid the king and queen + (One in red, and one in green) + Would say aloud, 'You are not fit, + You Fly, to come to court a bit!'" + + + IV. + + "Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" + Said Mr. Floppy Fly, + "I wish you 'd sing one little song, + One mumbian melody. + You used to sing so awful well + In former days gone by; + But now you never sing at all: + I wish you'd tell me why: + For, if you would, the silvery sound + Would please the shrimps and cockles round, + And all the crabs would gladly come + To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum!'" + + + V. + + Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs, + "I can never sing again; + And, if you wish, I'll tell you why, + Although it gives me pain. + For years I cannot hum a bit, + Or sing the smallest song; + And this the dreadful reason is,-- + My legs are grown too long! + My six long legs, all here and there, + Oppress my bosom with despair; + And, if I stand or lie or sit, + I cannot sing one single bit!" + + + VI. + + So Mr. Daddy Long-legs + And Mr. Floppy Fly + Sat down in silence by the sea, + And gazed upon the sky. + They said, "This is a dreadful thing! + The world has all gone wrong, + Since one has legs too short by half, + The other much too long. + One never more can go to court, + Because his legs have grown too short; + The other cannot sing a song, + Because his legs have grown too long!" + + + VII. + + Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs + And Mr. Floppy Fly + Rushed downward to the foamy sea + With one sponge-taneous cry: + And there they found a little boat, + Whose sails were pink and gray; + And off they sailed among the waves, + Far and far away: + They sailed across the silent main, + And reached the great Gromboolian Plain; + And there they play forevermore + At battlecock and shuttledore. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE JUMBLIES. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + They went to sea in a sieve, they did; + In a sieve they went to sea: + In spite of all their friends could say, + On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, + In a sieve they went to sea. + And when the sieve turned round and round, + And every one cried, "You'll all be drowned!" + They called aloud, "Our sieve ain't big; + But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig: + In a sieve we'll go to sea!" + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + II. + + They sailed away in a sieve, they did, + In a sieve they sailed so fast, + With only a beautiful pea-green veil + Tied with a ribbon, by way of a sail, + To a small tobacco-pipe mast. + And every one said who saw them go, + "Oh! won't they be soon upset, you know? + For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long; + And, happen what may, it's extremely wrong + In a sieve to sail so fast." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + III. + + The water it soon came in, it did; + The water it soon came in: + So, to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet + In a pinky paper all folded neat; + And they fastened it down with a pin. + And they passed the night in a crockery-jar; + And each of them said, "How wise we are! + Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, + Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong, + While round in our sieve we spin." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + IV. + + And all night long they sailed away; + And when the sun went down, + They whistled and warbled a moony song + To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, + In the shade of the mountains brown. + "O Timballoo! How happy we are + When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! + And all night long, in the moonlight pale, + We sail away with a pea-green sail + In the shade of the mountains brown." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + V. + + They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,-- + To a land all covered with trees: + And they bought an owl, and a useful cart, + And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, + And a hive of silvery bees; + And they bought a pig, and some green jackdaws, + And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, + And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, + And no end of Stilton cheese. + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + VI. + + And in twenty years they all came back,-- + In twenty years or more; + And every one said, "How tall they've grown! + For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone, + And the hills of the Chankly Bore." + And they drank their health, and gave them a feast + Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; + And every one said, "If we only live, + We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, + To the hills of the Chankly Bore." + Far and few, far and few, + Are the lands where the Jumblies live: + Their heads are green, and their hands are blue; + And they went to sea in a sieve. + + + + +THE NUTCRACKERS AND THE SUGAR-TONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table; + The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side; + And the Nutcrackers said, "Don't you wish we were able + Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride? + Must we drag on this stupid existence forever, + So idle and weary, so full of remorse, + While every one else takes his pleasure, and never + Seems happy unless he is riding a horse? + + + II. + + "Don't you think we could ride without being instructed, + Without any saddle or bridle or spur? + Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed, + I'm sure that an accident could not occur. + Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table, + And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse! + Shall we try? Shall we go? Do you think we are able?" + The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly, "Of course!" + + + III. + + So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute; + The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said "Crack!" + The stable was open; the horses were in it: + Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back. + The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway; + The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay; + The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway, + Screamed out, "They are taking the horses away!" + + + IV. + + The whole of the household was filled with amazement: + The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about; + The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement; + The Salt-cellar stood on his head with a shout; + The Spoons, with a clatter, looked out of the lattice; + The Mustard-pot climbed up the gooseberry-pies; + The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of veal-patties, + And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise. + + + V. + + The Frying-pan said, "It's an awful delusion!" + The Tea-kettle hissed, and grew black in the face; + And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion + To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race. + And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter + (Their ponies were cream-colored, speckled with brown), + The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after; + Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town. + + + VI. + + They rode through the street, and they rode by the station; + They galloped away to the beautiful shore; + In silence they rode, and "made no observation," + Save this: "We will never go back any more!" + And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing, + The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say "Crack!" + Till, far in the distance their forms disappearing, + They faded away; and they never came back! + + + + +CALICO PIE. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Calico pie, + The little birds fly + Down to the calico-tree: + Their wings were blue, + And they sang "Tilly-loo!" + Till away they flew; + And they never came back to me! + They never came back, + They never came back, + They never came back to me! + + + II. + + Calico jam, + The little Fish swam + Over the Syllabub Sea. + He took off his hat + To the Sole and the Sprat, + And the Willeby-wat: + But he never came back to me; + He never came back, + He never came back, + He never came back to me. + + [Illustration] + + + III. + + Calico ban, + The little Mice ran + To be ready in time for tea; + Flippity flup, + They drank it all up, + And danced in the cup: + But they never came back to me; + They never came back, + They never came back, + They never came back to me. + + [Illustration] + + + IV. + + Calico drum, + The Grasshoppers come, + The Butterfly, Beetle, and Bee, + Over the ground, + Around and round, + With a hop and a bound; + But they never came back, + They never came back, + They never came back. + They never came back to me. + + [Illustration] + + + + +MR. AND MRS. SPIKKY SPARROW. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + On a little piece of wood + Mr. Spikky Sparrow stood: + Mrs. Sparrow sate close by, + A-making of an insect-pie + For her little children five, + In the nest and all alive; + Singing with a cheerful smile, + To amuse them all the while, + "Twikky wikky wikky wee, + Wikky bikky twikky tee, + Spikky bikky bee!" + + + II. + + Mrs. Spikky Sparrow said, + "Spikky, darling! in my head + Many thoughts of trouble come, + Like to flies upon a plum. + All last night, among the trees, + I heard you cough, I heard you sneeze; + And thought I, 'It's come to that + Because he does not wear a hat!' + Chippy wippy sikky tee, + Bikky wikky tikky mee, + Spikky chippy wee! + + + III. + + "Not that you are growing old; + But the nights are growing cold. + No one stays out all night long + Without a hat: I'm sure it's wrong!" + Mr. Spikky said, "How kind, + Dear, you are, to speak your mind! + All your life I wish you luck! + You are, you are, a lovely duck! + Witchy witchy witchy wee, + Twitchy witchy witchy bee, + Tikky tikky tee! + + + IV. + + "I was also sad, and thinking, + When one day I saw you winking, + And I heard you sniffle-snuffle, + And I saw your feathers ruffle: + To myself I sadly said, + 'She's neuralgia in her head! + That dear head has nothing on it! + Ought she not to wear a bonnet?' + Witchy kitchy kitchy wee, + Spikky wikky mikky bee, + Chippy wippy chee! + + + V. + + "Let us both fly up to town: + There I'll buy you such a gown! + Which, completely in the fashion, + You shall tie a sky-blue sash on; + And a pair of slippers neat + To fit your darling little feet, + So that you will look and feel + Quite galloobious and genteel. + Jikky wikky bikky see, + Chicky bikky wikky bee, + Twicky witchy wee!" + + + VI. + + So they both to London went, + Alighting on the Monument; + Whence they flew down swiftly--pop! + Into Moses' wholesale shop: + There they bought a hat and bonnet, + And a gown with spots upon it, + A satin sash of Cloxam blue, + And a pair of slippers too. + Zikky wikky mikky bee, + Witchy witchy mitchy kee, + Sikky tikky wee! + + + VII. + + Then, when so completely dressed, + Back they flew, and reached their nest. + Their children cried, "O ma and pa! + How truly beautiful you are!" + Said they, "We trust that cold or pain + We shall never feel again; + While, perched on tree or house or steeple, + We now shall look like other people. + Witchy witchy witchy wee, + Twikky mikky bikky bee, + Zikky sikky tee!" + + [Illustration] + + + + +THE BROOM, THE SHOVEL, THE POKER, AND THE TONGS. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + The Broom and the Shovel, the Poker and Tongs, + They all took a drive in the Park; + And they each sang a song, ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + Before they went back in the dark. + Mr. Poker he sate quite upright in the coach; + Mr. Tongs made a clatter and clash; + Miss Shovel was dressed all in black (with a brooch); + Mrs. Broom was in blue (with a sash). + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + And they all sang a song. + + + II. + + "O Shovely so lovely!" the Poker he sang, + "You have perfectly conquered my heart. + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! If you're pleased with my song, + I will feed you with cold apple-tart. + When you scrape up the coals with a delicate sound, + You enrapture my life with delight, + Your nose is so shiny, your head is so round, + And your shape is so slender and bright! + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + Ain't you pleased with my song?" + + + III. + + "Alas! Mrs. Broom," sighed the Tongs in his song, + "Oh! is it because I'm so thin, + And my legs are so long,--ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong!-- + That you don't care about me a pin? + Ah! fairest of creatures, when sweeping the room, + Ah! why don't you heed my complaint? + Must you needs be so cruel, you beautiful Broom, + Because you are covered with paint? + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + You are certainly wrong." + + + IV. + + Mrs. Broom and Miss Shovel together they sang, + "What nonsense you're singing to-day!" + Said the Shovel, "I'll certainly hit you a bang!" + Said the Broom, "And I'll sweep you away!" + So the coachman drove homeward as fast as he could, + Perceiving their anger with pain; + But they put on the kettle, and little by little + They all became happy again. + Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong! + There's an end of my song. + + + + +THE TABLE AND THE CHAIR. + +[Illustration] + + I. + + Said the Table to the Chair, + "You can hardly be aware + How I suffer from the heat + And from chilblains on my feet. + If we took a little walk, + We might have a little talk; + Pray let us take the air," + Said the Table to the Chair. + + + II. + + Said the Chair unto the Table, + "Now, you _know_ we are not able: + How foolishly you talk, + When you know we _cannot_ walk!" + Said the Table with a sigh, + "It can do no harm to try. + I've as many legs as you: + Why can't we walk on two?" + + + III. + + So they both went slowly down, + And walked about the town + With a cheerful bumpy sound + As they toddled round and round; + And everybody cried, + As they hastened to their side, + "See! the Table and the Chair + Have come out to take the air!" + + + IV. + + But in going down an alley, + To a castle in a valley, + They completely lost their way, + And wandered all the day; + Till, to see them safely back, + They paid a Ducky-quack, + And a Beetle, and a Mouse, + Who took them to their house. + + [Illustration] + + + V. + + Then they whispered to each other, + "O delightful little brother, + What a lovely walk we've taken! + Let us dine on beans and bacon." + So the Ducky and the leetle + Browny-Mousy and the Beetle + Dined, and danced upon their heads + Till they toddled to their beds. + + [Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE STORIES. + + +THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD. + +Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose +names were + +[Illustration] + +VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL; +and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a +large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come +back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots, +and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only +took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly +Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which +purposes they took a large kettle. + +[Illustration] + +For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat, +as there were lots of fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea +with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle instantly cooked them; and the +Pussy-Cat was fed with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased, +on the whole: so that all the party were very happy. + +During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt water +into a churn; while her three brothers churned it violently, in the hope +that it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did; and in the +evening they all retired into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to +sleep very comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle managed the +boat. + +[Illustration] + +After a time, they saw some land at a distance; and, when they came to it, +they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth. +Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses, with a great +gulf-stream running about all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful, +and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high. + +When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to their great +surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets and +chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up the single high +tree to discover, if possible, if there were any people; but having +remained on the top of the tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they +naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when +they came down, they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a +million of chocolate-drops; and these afforded them sustenance for more +than a month, during which time they pursued their voyage with the utmost +delight and apathy. + +[Illustration] + +After this they came to a shore where there were no less than sixty-five +great red parrots with blue tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all +fast asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat and the +Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off the tail-feathers of all the +sixty-five parrots; for which Violet reproved them both severely. + +[Illustration] + +Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all the feathers--two +hundred and sixty in number--in her bonnet; thereby causing it to have a +lovely and glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and efficacious. + +[Illustration] + +The next thing that happened to them was in a narrow part of the sea, which +was so entirely full of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so +they remained there about six weeks, till they had eaten nearly all the +fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, and covered with +shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble whatever. And as the few fishes +who remained uneaten complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty +they had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made by the +arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented the neighborhood +in great numbers, Violet most amiably knitted a small woollen frock for +several of the fishes, and Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them; +through which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly. + +[Illustration] + +Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immense +orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed, +taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges, +and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a most +dreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers +from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamity +of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, which +thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that they +were obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that the +sound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and +amazing nature. + +[Illustration] + +Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed and +hurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he had +to sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week. + +[Illustration] + +This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps they +might never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthy +devotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to +them in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party so +extremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that +whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonial +to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest +token of their sincere and grateful infection. + +[Illustration] + +After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to another +country, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countless +multitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle, +slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and polite +demeanor. + +[Illustration] + +And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eating +nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council as +to the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humble +and affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise than +gratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice, +which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shell +only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, who +said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you might +have spared a somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he finished +speaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an +appalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more +scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneous +sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to the +boat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by +which means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner. + +[Illustration] + +By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses, +but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, +and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue +bottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live +continually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps in +many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found. +Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with this +singular and instructive settlement; and, having previously asked +permission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted), +the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front +of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed some +pebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it +on an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of the +very best quality. + +The four children then entered into conversation with the +Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, though +with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they each +held a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioned +a fizzy, extraneous utterance. + +"Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles; +and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed, +in yellow bottles?" + +To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found the +bottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great- +great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when the +winter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely +feel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be the +case with bottles of any other color than blue." + +"Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the liberty +of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist?" + +"Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are +scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly." + +"How delicious!" said Guy. + +To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!" + +At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song to +be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to +buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious and +mucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across the +tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant +mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the truly +virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky, +while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of +the Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while all +Nature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances. + +In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to that +evening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already past +midnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by the +Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respective +positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each took +a last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down +in a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark. + +[Illustration] + +As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite down +to the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into +the back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while +Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing, +respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they left +that happy shore forever. + +Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumped +into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for +many hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs, +and of a vague multitude of living creatures using their +pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly +along the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from +the Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies. + +Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that, +as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an +unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs and +Crawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, and +endeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they +moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water and +white-wine negus. + +"Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies?" said the four +children. + +"Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to make +some worsted mittens, but do not know how." + +On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art of +mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are they +fixtures?" + +"They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith they +deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violet +uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittens +with it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed on +their claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly +on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key. + +After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vast +and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever could +be discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, there +appeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nearer +approach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody +in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and +oyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violet +doubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till the +Quangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softly +in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower!" + +[Illustration] + +And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for +an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had +no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and +graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which +naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes. + +Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with +mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat +plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps +supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number +of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a +row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a +crystal cloud of sudorific sand. + +[Illustration] + +So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply; +and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of +undeveloped asthma and a great appetite. + +Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some +high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious +little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate +upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was +instantly upset. + +[Illustration] + +But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to +swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the +moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered +the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense +force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in +rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of +lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits; +whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became +unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were +turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off. + +Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place, +where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of +mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who +abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food +in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve +it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of +the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was +fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were +so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they +merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their +boat without delay. + +What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the +tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and +ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in +those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into +fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became +quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer +preliminate their voyage by sea. + +The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their +wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at +that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four +mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding +on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they +set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes +to last through their whole journey. + +[Illustration] + +They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and +other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the +purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew +there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and +satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the +Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied +them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never +at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse +and triumphant procession. + +Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where +they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with +contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their +travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity. + +As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him +killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their +father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF +THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE. + + +CHAPTER I. + +INTRODUCTORY. + +In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land +of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake +Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and +on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite +dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have +probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to +find out all about them. + +Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake +Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE SEVEN FAMILIES. + +There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs. + +[Illustration] + +There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats. + +[Illustration] + +And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES. + +The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to +behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes, +and striped beetles. + +The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for +breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length +of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about +continually. + +The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which +they ate for dinner. + +The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into +sago-puddings. + +The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire +cheese. + +The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits. + +The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles. + +And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY. + +One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families +agreed that they would send their children out to see the world. + +So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and +some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco +pocket-book to set down their expenses in. + +They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents +sent off their children with a parting injunction. + +"If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who +should have it." + +"And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into +seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it." + +And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure +you do not touch a plum-pudding flea." + +And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices, +and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling." + +And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces, +should you find any, not greedily, but calmly." + +And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a +clangle-wangle if you should see one." + +And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss; +for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes." + +So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in +all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world. + + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS. + +The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a +single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the +other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the +seven began to fight; and they +scuffled, + and huffled, + and ruffled, + and shuffled, + and puffled, + and muffled, + and buffled, + and duffled, + and fluffled, + and guffled, + and bruffled, + and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed, +and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped, +and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little +bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident +except the cherry and seven small green feathers. + +And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS. + +When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks +in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that +they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after +that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery +noise with their bills. + +About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and +with a sky-blue stripe under each ear. + +So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide +him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs +should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while +they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he +was gone, they began to + chatter-clatter, + blatter-platter, + patter-blatter, + matter-clatter, + flatter-quatter, +more violently than ever; and after they +had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that +at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills. + +And that was the end of the seven young Storks. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE. + +When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain, +on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one. + +So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the +other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six +lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery. + +Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting +and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a +boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers +growing out of his head, and only one leg. + +So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all +doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!" + +On which they incautiously began to sing aloud, + + "Plum-pudding Flea, + Plum-pudding Flea, + Wherever you be, + Oh! come to our tree, + And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!" + +And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to +hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came +straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant +and voluminous manner. + +On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a +tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him +with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the +Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and +higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and +indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and +terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees +every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead. + +So that was the end of the seven young Geese. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS. + +When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the +branches of old trees, and never went far at one time. + +And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse; +but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him. + +So they called out, "Is that a mouse?" + +On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!" + +And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning +to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large +well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one +of them drowned in less than half a minute. + +So that was the end of the seven young Owls. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS. + +The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes +and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke, +they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had +been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which +they all exclaimed,-- + + "Lettuce! O lettuce + Let us, O let us, + O lettuce-leaves, + O let us leave this tree, and eat + Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!" + +And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force +against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its +stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional +inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and +worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven. + +And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER X. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS. + +The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and +rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a +long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, +Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran +straight up to it. + +(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no +means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land, +using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is +extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their +general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may +sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, +and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables, +excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or +saltpetre.) + +The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran +away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they +continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of +fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered. + +And this was the end of the seven young Cats. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER XI. + +THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES. + +The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the +river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the +fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam +after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a + perpendicular, + spicular, + orbicular, + quadrangular, + circular depth of soft mud; +where, in fact, his house was. + +And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity, +plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being +accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period. + +And that was the end of the seven young Fishes. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER XII. + +OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY. + +After it was known that the + + seven young Parrots, + and the seven young Storks, + and the seven young Geese, + and the seven young Owls, + and the seven young Guinea Pigs, + and the seven young Cats, + and the seven young Fishes, + +were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and +the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice +over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven +young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the +lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and +the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a +hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which +they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and +then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, +satisfaction, and disgust. + +[Illustration] + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN. + +BUT when the two old Parrots, + and the two old Storks, + and the two old Geese, + and the two old Owls, + and the two old Guinea Pigs, + and the two old Cats, + and the two old Fishes, + +became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of +the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, +sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne +pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense +glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a +light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an +affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was +very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous. + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +CONCLUSION. + +And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, +and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, +they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; +having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent +lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the +stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue +sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, +should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be +labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be +placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection +and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous +public. + +And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in +the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four +hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing +of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, +you certainly will not see them. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + + + NONSENSE COOKERY. + +Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870. + +"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our +valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of +culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The +first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of +every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and +we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our +readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are +found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the +summit of the Hill Orfeltugg." + + + +THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY. + + +TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE. + +Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a +small pipkin. + +Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which +add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more. + +When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them +out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well +previously. + +Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered +gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper. + +Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back +again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan +violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color. + +Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the +same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number +of oysters. + +Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from +time to time. + +Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as +possible. + + +TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS. + +Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest +possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps +nine times. + +When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new +clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon +or a soup-ladle. + +Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the +roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it +there for about a week. + +At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a +few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified +Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use. + +Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean +table-cloth or dinner-napkin. + + +TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES. + +Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a +post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast +chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats +these, constantly provide him with more. + +Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of +foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, +and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen. + +When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig +violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again. + +Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain +if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky +Patties. + +If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let +loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished. + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE BOTANY. + + +[Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis.] + +[Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.] + +[Illustration: Cockatooca Superba.] + +[Illustration: Fishia Marina.] + +[Illustration: Guittara Pensilis.] + +[Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia.] + +[Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda.] + +[Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.] + +[Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.] + +[Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis.] + + * * * * * + + + + +NONSENSE ALPHABETS. + + + A + + [Illustration] + + A was an ant + Who seldom stood still, + And who made a nice house + In the side of a hill. + + a! + Nice little ant! + + + B + + [Illustration] + + B was a book + With a binding of blue, + And pictures and stories + For me and for you. + + b! + Nice little book! + + + C + + [Illustration] + + C was a cat + Who ran after a rat; + But his courage did fail + When she seized on his tail. + + c! + Crafty old cat! + + + D + + [Illustration] + + D was a duck + With spots on his back, + Who lived in the water, + And always said "Quack!" + + d! + Dear little duck! + + + E + + [Illustration] + + E was an elephant, + Stately and wise: + He had tusks and a trunk, + And two queer little eyes. + + e! + Oh, what funny small eyes! + + + F + + [Illustration] + + + F was a fish + Who was caught in a net; + But he got out again, + And is quite alive yet. + + f! + Lively young fish! + + + G + + [Illustration] + + G was a goat + Who was spotted with brown: + When he did not lie still + He walked up and down. + + g! + Good little goat! + + + H + + [Illustration] + + H was a hat + Which was all on one side; + Its crown was too high, + And its brim was too wide. + + h! + Oh, what a hat! + + + I + + [Illustration] + + I was some ice + So white and so nice, + But which nobody tasted; + And so it was wasted. + + i! + All that good ice! + + + J + + [Illustration] + + + J was a jackdaw + Who hopped up and down + In the principal street + Of a neighboring town. + + j! + All through the town! + + + K + + [Illustration] + + K was a kite + Which flew out of sight, + Above houses so high, + Quite into the sky. + + k + Fly away, kite! + + + L + + [Illustration] + + L was a light + Which burned all the night, + And lighted the gloom + Of a very dark room. + + l! + Useful nice light! + + + M + + [Illustration] + + M was a mill + Which stood on a hill, + And turned round and round + With a loud hummy sound. + + m! + Useful old mill! + + + N + + [Illustration] + + N was a net + Which was thrown in the sea + To catch fish for dinner + For you and for me. + + n! + Nice little net! + + + O + + [Illustration] + + O was an orange + So yellow and round: + When it fell off the tree, + It fell down to the ground. + + o! + Down to the ground! + + + P + + [Illustration] + + P was a pig, + Who was not very big; + But his tail was too curly, + And that made him surly. + + p! + Cross little pig! + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + Q was a quail + With a very short tail; + And he fed upon corn + In the evening and morn. + + q! + Quaint little quail! + + + R + + [Illustration] + + R was a rabbit, + Who had a bad habit + Of eating the flowers + In gardens and bowers. + + r! + Naughty fat rabbit! + + + S + + [Illustration] + + S was the sugar-tongs, + Nippity-nee, + To take up the sugar + To put in our tea. + + s! + Nippity-nee! + + + T + + [Illustration] + + T was a tortoise, + All yellow and black: + He walked slowly away, + And he never came back. + + t! + Torty never came back! + + + U + + [Illustration] + + U was an urn + All polished and bright, + And full of hot water + At noon and at night. + + u! + Useful old urn! + + + V + + [Illustration] + + V was a villa + Which stood on a hill, + By the side of a river, + And close to a mill. + + v! + Nice little villa! + + + W + + [Illustration] + + W was a whale + With a very long tail, + Whose movements were frantic + Across the Atlantic. + + w! + Monstrous old whale! + + + X + + [Illustration] + + X was King Xerxes, + Who, more than all Turks, is + Renowned for his fashion + Of fury and passion. + + x! + Angry old Xerxes! + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + Y was a yew, + Which flourished and grew + By a quiet abode + Near the side of a road. + + y! + Dark little yew! + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + Z was some zinc, + So shiny and bright, + Which caused you to wink + In the sun's merry light. + + z! + Beautiful zinc! + + + + + A + + [Illustration] + + a + + A was once an apple-pie, + Pidy, + Widy, + Tidy, + Pidy, + Nice insidy, + Apple-pie! + + + B + + [Illustration] + + b + + B was once a little bear, + Beary, + Wary, + Hairy, + Beary, + Taky cary, + Little bear! + + + C + + [Illustration] + + c + + C was once a little cake, + Caky, + Baky, + Maky, + Caky, + Taky caky, + Little cake! + + + D + + [Illustration] + + d + + D was once a little doll, + Dolly, + Molly, + Polly, + Nolly, + Nursy dolly, + Little doll! + + + E + + [Illustration] + + e + + E was once a little eel, + Eely, + Weely, + Peely, + Eely, + Twirly, tweely, + Little eel! + + + + F + + [Illustration] + + f + + F was once a little fish, + Fishy, + Wishy, + Squishy, + Fishy, + In a dishy, + Little fish! + + + G + + [Illustration] + + g + + G was once a little goose, + Goosy, + Moosy, + Boosey, + Goosey, + Waddly-woosy, + Little goose! + + + H + + [Illustration] + + h + + H was once a little hen, + Henny, + Chenny, + Tenny, + Henny. + Eggsy-any, + Little hen? + + + I + + [Illustration] + + i + + I was once a bottle of ink + Inky, + Dinky, + Thinky, + Inky, + Blacky minky, + Bottle of ink! + + + J + + [Illustration] + + j + + J was once a jar of jam, + Jammy, + Mammy, + Clammy, + Jammy, + Sweety, swammy, + Jar of jam! + + + K + + [Illustration] + + k + + K was once a little kite, + Kity, + Whity, + Flighty, + Kity, + Out of sighty, + Little kite! + + + L + + [Illustration] + + l + + L was once a little lark, + Larky, + Marky, + Harky, + Larky, + In the parky, + Little lark! + + + M + + [Illustration] + + m + + M was once a little mouse, + Mousy, + Bousy, + Sousy, + Mousy, + In the housy, + Little mouse! + + + N + + [Illustration] + + n + + N was once a little needle, + Needly, + Tweedly, + Threedly, + Needly, + Wisky, wheedly, + Little needle! + + + O + + [Illustration] + + o + + O was once a little owl, + Owly, + Prowly, + Howly, + Owly, + Browny fowly, + Little owl! + + + P + + [Illustration] + + p + + P was once a little pump, + Pumpy, + Slumpy, + Flumpy, + Pumpy, + Dumpy, thumpy, + Little pump! + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + q + + Q was once a little quail, + Quaily, + Faily, + Daily, + Quaily, + Stumpy-taily, + Little quail! + + + R + + [Illustration] + + r + + R was once a little rose, + Rosy, + Posy, + Nosy, + Rosy, + Blows-y, grows-y, + Little rose! + + + S + + [Illustration] + + s + + S was once a little shrimp, + Shrimpy, + Nimpy, + Flimpy, + Shrimpy. + Jumpy, jimpy, + Little shrimp! + + + T + + [Illustration] + + t + + T was once a little thrush, + Thrushy, + Hushy, + Bushy, + Thrushy, + Flitty, flushy, + Little thrush! + + + U + + [Illustration] + + u + + U was once a little urn, + Urny, + Burny, + Turny, + Urny, + Bubbly, burny, + Little urn! + + + V + + [Illustration] + + v + + V was once a little vine, + Viny, + Winy, + Twiny, + Viny, + Twisty-twiny, + Little vine! + + + W + + [Illustration] + + w + + W was once a whale, + Whaly, + Scaly, + Shaly, + Whaly, + Tumbly-taily, + Mighty whale! + + + X + + [Illustration] + + x + + X was once a great king Xerxes, + Xerxy, + Perxy, + Turxy, + Xerxy, + Linxy, lurxy, + Great King Xerxes! + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + y + + Y was once a little yew, + Yewdy, + Fewdy, + Crudy, + Yewdy, + Growdy, grewdy, + Little yew! + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + z + + Z was once a piece of zinc, + Tinky, + Winky, + Blinky, + Tinky, + Tinkly minky, + Piece of zinc! + + + + + A + + [Illustration] + + A was an ape, + Who stole some white tape, + And tied up his toes + In four beautiful bows. + + a! + + Funny old ape! + + + B + + [Illustration] + + B was a bat, + Who slept all the day, + And fluttered about + When the sun went away. + + b! + + Brown little bat! + + + C + + [Illustration] + + C was a camel: + You rode on his hump; + And if you fell off, + You came down such a bump! + + + c! + + What a high camel! + + + D + + [Illustration] + + D was a dove, + Who lived in a wood, + With such pretty soft wings, + And so gentle and good! + + d! + + Dear little dove! + + + E + + [Illustration] + + E was an eagle, + Who sat on the rocks, + And looked down on the fields + And the-far-away flocks. + + e! + + Beautiful eagle! + + + F + + [Illustration] + + F was a fan + Made of beautiful stuff; + And when it was used, + It went puffy-puff-puff! + + f! + + Nice little fan! + + + G + + [Illustration] + + G was a gooseberry, + Perfectly red; + To be made into jam, + And eaten with bread. + + g! + + Gooseberry red! + + + H + + [Illustration] + + H was a heron, + Who stood in a stream: + The length of his neck + And his legs was extreme. + + h! + + Long-legged heron! + + + I + + [Illustration] + + I was an inkstand, + Which stood on a table, + With a nice pen to write with + When we are able. + + i! + + Neat little inkstand! + + + J + + [Illustration] + + J was a jug, + So pretty and white, + With fresh water in it + At morning and night. + + j! + + Nice little jug! + + + K + + [Illustration] + + K was a kingfisher: + Quickly he flew, + So bright and so pretty!-- + Green, purple, and blue. + + k! + + Kingfisher blue! + + L + + [Illustration] + + L was a lily, + So white and so sweet! + To see it and smell it + Was quite a nice treat. + + l! + + Beautiful lily! + + + M + + [Illustration] + + M was a man, + Who walked round and round; + And he wore a long coat + That came down to the ground. + + m! + + Funny old man! + + + N + + [Illustration] + + N was a nut + So smooth and so brown! + And when it was ripe, + It fell tumble-dum-down. + + n! + + Nice little nut! + + + O + + [Illustration] + + O was an oyster, + Who lived in his shell: + If you let him alone, + He felt perfectly well. + + o! + + Open-mouthed oyster! + + + P + + [Illustration] + + P was a polly, + All red, blue, and green,-- + The most beautiful polly + That ever was seen. + + p! + + Poor little polly! + + + Q + + [Illustration] + + Q was a quill + Made into a pen; + But I do not know where, + And I cannot say when. + + q! + + Nice little quill! + + + R + + [Illustration] + + R was a rattlesnake, + Rolled up so tight, + Those who saw him ran quickly, + For fear he should bite. + + r! + + Rattlesnake bite! + + + S + + [Illustration] + + S was a screw + To screw down a box; + And then it was fastened + Without any locks. + + s! + + Valuable screw! + + + T + + [Illustration] + + T was a thimble, + Of silver so bright! + When placed on the finger, + It fitted so tight! + + t! + + Nice little thimble! + + + U + + [Illustration] + + U was an upper-coat, + Woolly and warm, + To wear over all + In the snow or the storm. + + u! + + What a nice upper-coat! + + + V + + [Illustration] + + V was a veil + With a border upon it, + And a ribbon to tie it + All round a pink bonnet. + + v! + + Pretty green veil! + + + W + + [Illustration] + + W was a watch, + Where, in letters of gold, + The hour of the day + You might always behold. + + w! + + Beautiful watch! + + + X + + [Illustration] + + X was King Xerxes, + Who wore on his head + A mighty large turban, + Green, yellow, and red. + + x! + + Look at King Xerxes! + + + Y + + [Illustration] + + Y was a yak, + From the land of Thibet: + Except his white tail, + He was all black as jet. + + y! + + Look at the yak! + + + Z + + [Illustration] + + Z was a zebra, + All striped white and black; + And if he were tame, + You might ride on his back. + + z! + + Pretty striped zebra! + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NONSENSE SONG*** + + +******* This file should be named 13647.txt or 13647.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/3/6/4/13647 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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