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diff --git a/old/13639-8.txt b/old/13639-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9cd277 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13639-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2434 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1, +July 17, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1, July 17, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: October 5, 2004 [EBook #13639] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 17, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE MORAL OF PUNCH. + +As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your society, we +think it right that you should know something of our character and +intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have misled you into a +belief that we have no other intention than the amusement of a thoughtless +crowd, and the collection of pence. We have a higher object. Few of the +admirers of our prototype, merry Master PUNCH, have looked upon his +vagaries but as the practical outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth. +We have considered him as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have, +therefore, adopted him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant +instruction. When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley, +flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in time with +his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the attention and +admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver puppetry have passed +before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their adornments of coloured and +lustrous gems, have bound the brow of infamy as well as that of honour--a +mockery to both; as though virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment +of its own high purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the +forgetfulness of its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded +coaches have glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and +shouts of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often, +the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy frothiness of +those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in the market-place, and +found their reward in the sycophancy of a degraded constituency, or the +patronage of a venal ministry--no matter of what creed, for party +_must_ destroy patriotism. + +The noble in his robes and coronet--the beadle in his gaudy livery of +scarlet, and purple, and gold--the dignitary in the fulness of his +pomp--the demagogue in the triumph of his hollowness--these and other +visual and oral cheats by which mankind are cajoled, have passed in review +before us, conjured up by the magic wand of PUNCH. + +How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with the bell, +besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of him! The moment +that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to forget the existence of +his annoyance, and, carolling the mellifluous numbers of _Jim Crow_, +or some other strain of equal beauty, makes the most of the present, +regardless of the past or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his +persecutions, PUNCH boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the +victor. All have a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few, +the philosophy of PUNCH! + +We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies. PUNCH is (and +we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in principle, and somewhat of +a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at times harsh and ungentlemanly to +Mrs. P. + + "Eve of a land that still is Paradise, + Italian beauty!" + +But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too much to +expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we repudiate such +principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own, and a little +Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties; but we fearlessly aver +that we never threw him out of window, nor belaboured the lady with a +stick--even of the size allowed by law. + +There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it always +saddens us--we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is true, sings in +durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling with the song. We are +advocates for the _correction_ of offenders; but how many generous +and kindly beings are there pining within the walls of a prison, whose +only crimes are poverty and misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and +appear jocund, but the _heart_ can ever hear the ring of the bars. + +We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling out his +music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but we felt sickened +with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our thought, the free +minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into the blue caverns of the +heavens, with the bird to whom the world was circumscribed. May the time +soon arrive, when every prison shall be a palace of the mind--when we +shall seek to instruct and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated +education by example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has +almost germinated into reason. Man _has_ reason, why not give him +intelligence? + +We now come to the last great lesson of our motley teacher--the gallows! +that accursed tree which has its _root_ in injuries. How clearly +PUNCH exposes the fallacy of that dreadful law which authorises the +destruction of life! PUNCH sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not? +Where is the divine injunction against the shedder of man's blood to rest? +None _can_ answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At other +times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy the +principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the good, and the +gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is now a jest. + +We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry and wise-- + + "And laugh at all things, for we wish to know, + What, after all, are all things but a show!"--_Byron._ + +As on the stage of PUNCH'S theatre, many characters appear to fill up the +interstices of the more important story, so our pages will be interspersed +with trifles that have no other object than the moment's approbation--an +end which will never be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the +evanescent smile of a harmless satire. + + * * * * * + + +COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE. + +There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable +_hard-bake_ houses in the metropolis. The firm had been speculating +considerably in "Prince Albert's Rock," and this is said to have been the +rock they have ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest +sufferers. One of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a +deposit on some _tom-trot_, which the house had promised to supply on +the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of other +transactions of a similar character. + +Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece and some +halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an individual, who, if he +had only chosen to walk with it into the market, might have produced a +very alarming effect on some minor description of securities. Cherries +were taken very freely at twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a +shade lower than yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of +tallow all the week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown +a still further gloom upon rushlights. + +The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match market +into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem destined to undergo +a still further depression. This state of things was rendered worse +towards the close of the day, by a large holder of the last-named article +unexpectedly throwing an immense quantity into the market, which went off +rapidly. + + * * * * * + + +SOMETHING WARLIKE. + +Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces, the usual +mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that cannot be +clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen scroll, on which is +painted, in large letters, the sentence necessary to be known. It so +happened that a number of these scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of +the grand spectacles at Astley's Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other +lumber in the property-room, until the late destructive fire which +occurred there. On that night, the wife of one of the stage-assistants--a +woman of portly dimensions--was aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire, +and in her confusion, being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid +hold of one of these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed +into the street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive +back view, with the words, "BOMBARD THE CITADEL," inscribed in legible +characters upon her singular drapery. + + +HUME'S TERMINOLOGY. + +Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he will never +make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives. Indeed, he proposes +to expunge the term from the English language, and to substitute that +which is applied to, his own party. In writing to a friend, that "after +the inflammatory character of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite +supererogatory for me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory +measures will be rendered nugatory," he thus expressed himself:--"After +the inflamma_whig_ character of the ora_whig_ of the nominees of +the Carlton Club, it is quite supereroga_whig_ for me to state (it +being no_whig_ous) that all concilia_whig_ measures will be +rendered nuga_whig_." + + +NATIVE SWALLOWS. + +A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that there is an +almost total absence of swallows this summer in England. Had the writer +been present at some of the election dinners lately, he must have +confessed that a greater number of active swallows has rarely been +observed congregated in any one year. + + +LORD MELBOURNE TO "PUNCH." + +My dear PUNCH,--Seeing in the "Court Circular" of the Morning Herald an +account of a General Goblet as one of the guests of her Majesty, I beg to +state, that till I saw that announcement, I was not aware of any other +_general gobble it_ than myself at the Palace. + +Yours, truly, MELBOURN + + * * * * * + + +A RAILROAD NOVEL + +DEAR PUNCH,--I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat in the +Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young +gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his +travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the +full regulation size, and with intense interest commence the first volume +at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away +started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a +butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as +we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as +we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by +Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury--I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking +a pinch of snuff--lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and +I had scarcely time to say, "God bless us," till I found we had reached +Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my +reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid journey, +and to devise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as +my fellow-traveller. "Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the +age of steam? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow +Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an +auction bill?" Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a +novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be +retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of +speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in +preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose +names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning +home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had +written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady +or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get +through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train +running from London to Birmingham. + +I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing +possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads, +tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at +the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my +invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I +shall instantly apply for a patent. + + +SPECIMEN. + + +CLARE GREY: + +A NOVEL. + + +"Brief let me be." + +LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author. + +1841. + + +VOL. I. + +Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, +&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom +ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom, +and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's +schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas, +crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper), +slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom +serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from +garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love +is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the +calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom +caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty +mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--Seven pages of +sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart--Pshaw!--Never mind-- + +[Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"] + + +VOL. II. + +"Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death or +glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy, eternal +truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes her eyes in +cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel +fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash, +dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot +work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say +die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one +eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love, hope, and +Clare Grey-- + +[Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.] + + +VOL. III. + +"Here we are!"--At home once more--Old friends and old faces--Must be +changed--Nobody knows him--Church bells ringing--Inquire +cause--(?)--Wedding--Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker--Brain +whirls--Eyes start from sockets--Devils and hell--Clare Grey, the fond, +constant, Clare, a jilt?--Can't be--No go--Stump up to church--Too +true--Clare just made Mrs. Snooks--Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!--Tom's +crutch at work--Snooks floored--Bridesman settled--Parson bolts--Clerk +mizzles--Salts and shrieks--Clare in a swoon--Pa' in a funk--Tragedy +speech--Love! vengeance! and damnation!--Half an ounce of laudanum--Quick +speech--Tom unshackles his wooden pin--Dies like a hero--Clare pines in +secret--Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin--Poor Tom and +Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath + +[Illustration: "A WEEPING WILL-OH!"] + + * * * * * + + +LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP. + +We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which +we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:-- + +MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP, + +Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for +the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure +Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short +and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin +two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe. + +COPY. + +"The following is a specimen of my punning _before_ taking six +lessons of Mr. T. Hood:-- + +"Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain _cold_ with which +children are affected? + +"A. Because it's _a new pink off_ (an hooping-cough). + +"This is a specimen of my punning _after_ taking six lessons of Mr. +T. Hood:-- + +"Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an +injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man? + +"A. Because the one is _for-getting_ and the other +_for-giving_." + +N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will +find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service. + +Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be +suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has +also a few second-hand _bon mots_ which he can offer a bargain. + +*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED. + + * * * * * + + +A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF "CANT." + +There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it +being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is +necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be +brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what +are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this +means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the +different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most +advantageously place himself. + +It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in +this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to +bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain +sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public +education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical +though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious +Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its +turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself +so ancient and beautiful a practice. + +VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS + +1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered, + 1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into + 1. He that voteth for dead men. + 2. He that voteth for empty tenements. + 3. He that voteth for many men. + 4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like. + 2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into + 1. Because he hath a bet that he will vote. + 2. Because he loveth a lark. + 3. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY. + [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects + BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.] + +2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into + 1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into + 1. He who is upset by a bribed coachman. + 2. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put + into the cage. + 3. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way. + 4. He who is hocussed. + 5. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like. + 2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into + 1. He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country. + 2. He who has not been solicited. + 3. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll. + 4. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll. + 5. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken. + 6. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late, + and the like. + +3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into + 1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into + 1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into + 1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into + 1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into + 1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as + 1. He that pretendeth the money is due to him. + 2. He that pretendeth it is lent. + 3. He who receiveth it as alms. + 4. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated + tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like. + 2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as + 1. He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in + Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like. + 2. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter, + curate, and the like. + 3. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary + to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey, + chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like. + 3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as + 1. He that voteth for Walker's Gooseberry, or Elector's + Sparkling Champagne. + 2. For sloe-juice, or Elector's fine old crusted Port. + 3. He who voteth for Brett's British Brandy, or Elector's + real French Cognac. + 4. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, _coculus + Indicus_, Spanish juice, or Elector's Extra Double Stout. + 2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as + 1. He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers, + or the like. + 2. He who getteth a contract, for paupers' clothing, building + unions, and the like. + 3. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent + 40s. freeholders. + 4. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes, + haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork, + pine-apples, early peas, and the like. + 2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as + 1. By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice + to quit. + 2. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot + be trusted. + 3. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite + opinion in his employ. + 4. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics. + 5. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and + Gretna Green. + 6. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth + him be d--d. + 3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as + 1. He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him + a place. + 2. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy. + 3. He who voteth to get into genteel society. + 4. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds. + 5. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a + large family. + 6. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot. + 2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into + 1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible into + 1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into + 1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as + 1. He who believeth taxes will be taken off. + 2. He who believeth wages will be raised. + 3. He who thinketh trade will be increased. + 4. He who studieth political economy. + 5. He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and + listeneth to lectures, and the like. + 2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as + 1. He who voteth to support "the glorious Constitution," and + maintain "the envy of surrounding nations." + 2. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the + revenue. + 3. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings, + and the like. + 2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as + 1. He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in + together. + 2. He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots. + 3. That the Tories love the poor. + 4. That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his + country. + 5. That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the like. + 3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as + 1. He who voteth because the candidate's ribbons suit his wife's + complexion. + 2. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the + canvasser. + 3. Because his wife had the candidate's carriage to make calls + in, and the like. + 4. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince + Albert Quadrilles. + 5. Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last + infant, and the like. + 2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into + 1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as + 1. He who voteth on one side because his father always voted + on the same. + 2. Because the "Wrong-heads" and the like had always sat for + the county. + 3. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such + as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must + maintain his principle. + 4. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and + the like. + 2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as + 1. He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds. + 2. Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name + as the opposite candidate. + 3. Because the candidate is of a noble family. + 4. Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel, + and the like. + 5. Because he knoweth the candidate's cousin. + 6. Because the candidate directed to him--"Esq." + 3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be + considered as + 1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as + 1. He that voteth on both sides. + 2. Because he tossed up with himself. + 3. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who + hath most votes. + 4. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the + other, to show that he is not influenced. + 5. Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the + popular candidate. + 2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as + 1. He who cannot be trusted. + 2. He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the other. + 3. He who is not worth bribing. + 4. He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter + was not answered. + 5. He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived, + and the like. + 2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into + 1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be + considered as + 1. He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe. + 2. He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray. + 3. He who is confused and giveth the wrong name. + 4. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested. + 5. He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates, + and the like. + 2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be + considered as + 1. He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so + incensed into voting the opposite way. + 2. He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so + outraged into honesty. + 3. He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and + so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate. + 4. He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being + enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction. + 5. He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who + keepeth a carriage and the like. + + * * * * * + + +THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER + + +Have any of PUNCH'S readers ever met one of the above _genus_--or +rather, have they not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most +persevering _hic et ubique_ powers. Like the old mole, these +Truepennies "work i' th' dark:" at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole, +the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian, +Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological +Saloons, they "most do congregate." Once set your eyes upon them, once +become acquainted with their habits and manners, and then mistake them if +you can. They are themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket +jockeys, the peripatetic venders, or buyers of "old clo'," or the Albert +continuations at _one pound one_, they appear to be _made to +measure for the same_. We must now describe them (to speak +theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new +dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer, +i.e. neither one nor the other ever _were entirely new_, and never +will be allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these +worthies is generally _very_ blue or _very_ brown; the cut +whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at what +precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on the +probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that alone could +to long have kept them from Time's remorseless maw. The collars are always +velvet, and always greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the +seams, the stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to +believe they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose +labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The +buttons!--oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They, +indeed, are the aristocracy--the yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars +of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coat--they are +_on it_, and that's all--they have no further communion--they decline +the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their living--they +announce themselves as "the last new fashion"--they sparkle for a week, +retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years +after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine +splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own +accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a +material known only to themselves--a sort of nightmare illusion of velvet, +covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously picked out and +guarded with a nondescript collection of the very greenest green pellets +of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment) +describe the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two +rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent), commencing, +to all appearance, at the _small of the back_, and reaching down even +to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a double-breasted one, made +upon the good old dining-out principle of leaving plenty of room in the +victualling department. To complete the catalogue of raiment, the +untalkaboutables have so little right to the name of drab, that it would +cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more +exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the +portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes +of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that description +of mud-markers known in the purlieus of Liecester-square, and at +all denominations of "boots"--great, little, red, and yellow--as +eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are strapped +down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in extreme doubt +whether the Prussian hero of that name is their legitimate sponsor, or the +glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured +that (as there never was a _pair_ of either of the illustrious +heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency, invariably +perambulate in _one of each_. We scarcely know whether it be so or +not--we merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the _two +Bluchers_, _because_ of the _eight-and-six_. The only +additional expense likely to add any emolument to the _tanner's_ +interest (we mean no pun) is the immense extent of sixpenny straps +generally worn. These are described by a friend of ours as belonging to +the great class of _coaxers_; and their exertions in bringing (as a +nautical man would say) the trowsers _to bear_ at all, is worthy of +notice. There is a legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from +one of the fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty's +theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of +the affair being the close approximation of some of his principal foreign +words to "Tol de rol," and "Fal the ral ra"), in which it was asserted, +that from a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the +body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity. +In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully +nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish +to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the _genus_ in +_black_ and _white_, we may as well state at once, _those_ +are the colours generally casing the throats from whence their sweet +sounds issue; these _ties_ are garnished with union pins, whose +strong _mosaic tendency_ would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had +they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of the +Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing world, +amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an _auto-da-fe_. + +It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his +head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying +pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands, +though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of +French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about +as much in proportion to _the box_ as _eighteen insides_ are to +a small tax-cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved +inscription purports) given by "several gentlemen" (who are, +unfortunately, in these instances, always anonymous--which circumstance, +as they are invariably described as "admirers of talent," is much to be +regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the +immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at four o'clock of the +morning, with a bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is, +they are universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of +obesity. + +The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased, and +the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no professional +singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and found a failure. +Its uses are remarkable and various: like the "death's-head and +cross-bones" of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of the +conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our mind's eye +one of the species even now--we see him coquetting with the fork, +compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be +called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the +proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional +performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the +right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet +double-breaster--we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they +fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the +smoke-embued apartment--we perceive the extension of the dexter hand +employed in innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of +an orange, whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a +watch-guard, _if_ the professional singer _had a watch_. We hear +the three distinct hems--oblivion for a moment seizes us--the glasses +jingle--two auctioneers' hammers astonish the mahogany--several dirty +hands are brought in violent and noisy contact--we are near a friend of +the vocalist--our glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties +itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic +performances of the said zealous friend--and with an exclamation that, +were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional +singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half +lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the "creature comfort" +with infinite satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +--There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that fat +man). "A glee, gents!--a glee!"--Ah! there they are--three coats--three +collars--Heaven knows how many buttons!--three bald heads, three stout +stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and +conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux."--What is +the subject? + + "_Hail_ smi_lig_ _b_orn." + +That's a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing +_ensemble_ is totally exploded by these gentry--each professional +singer, as a professional singer, sings his very loudest, in _justice to +himself_; if his brethren want physical power, that's no fault of +_his_, _he don't_. Professional singers indulge in small +portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements is, "Non +nobis," &c. &c.; that is, they consider they ought to know the airs. The +words are generally delivered as follows:--_Don--dobis--do--by--de_. +A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this line. + +In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention, +they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more +Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the same--sit anywhere, +just to accommodate--eat everything, to prove they have no squeamish +partialities--know to a toothful what a bottom of brandy _should +be_--the exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most +likely victim to _drop upon_ for any further nourishment they may +require. Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by +the important information that "Harry Phillips knows what he's +about"--"Weber was up to a thing or two." A _baritone_ ain't the sort +of thing for tenor music: and when _they_ sung with some man (nobody +ever heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn't mind--"A +cigar?" "Thank you, sir!--seldom smoke--put it in my +pocket--(_aside_) that makes a dozen! Your good health, sir!--don't +dislike cold, though I generally take it warm--didn't mean that as a hint, +but, since you _have ordered it_, I'll give you a toast--Here's--THE +PROFESSIONAL SINGER!" + +FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC. + + [Greek: EIS TO LEIN PINEIN.] + + Bards of old have sung the vine + Such a theme shall ne'er be mine; + Weaker strains to me belong, + Pæans sung to thee, Souchong! + What though I may never sip + Rubies from my tea-cup's lip; + Do not milky pearls combine + In this steaming cup of mine? + What though round my youthful brow + I ne'er twine the myrtle's bough? + For such wreaths my soul ne'er grieves. + Whilst I own my Twankay's leaves. + Though for me no altar burns, + Kettles boil and bubble--urns + In each fane, where I adore-- + What should mortal ask for more! + I for Pidding, Bacchus fly, + Howqua shall my cup supply; + I'll ne'er ask for amphoræ, + Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea. + Then, perchance, above my grave, + Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave; + And some stately sugar-cane, + There may spring to life again: + Bright-eyed maidens then may meet, + To quaff the herb and suck the sweet. + + * * * * * + + +A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES. + +KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG "TOBY." + +DEAR SIR,--I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel, +thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master, +for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my +paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog in a nobleman's family. Lawk, sir! +what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn +author? + +I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with _dialect_--what a +face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as +hollow as the big drum, but warn't half so round and noisy. You can't have +dwindled down to that, sure_ly_! I couldn't bear to see your hump and +_pars pendula_ (that's dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and +titivated out in msty-fusty toggery--I'm sure I couldn't! The very thought +of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail. + +I whined like any thing, calling to my missus--for you must know that I've +married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. "Vixen," says I, +"here's the poor old governor up at last--I knew that Police Act would +drive him to something desperate." + +"Why he hasn't hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest!" +exclaimed Mrs. T. + +"Worse nor that," says I; "he's turned author, and in course is stewed up +in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year, +when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the +police don't want nothing to do to warm 'em, and consequentially sees no +harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It's very hawful." + +Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I know'd she'd +something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her. +"Toby," says she, "go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort +him to larrup you a little." + +"Very well," says I, "I'll be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for +supper, should any come out while I'm gone; and if you can get the puppies +to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you." Saying +which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the +coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a +waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestra--he as could +only play "Jim Crow" and the "Soldier Tired." Thinks I, I may as well pass +the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach he +was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was +about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-horse. Whilst I +was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the +wehicle make the following remark:-- + +OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_twisting his tail about like anything_)--Curse the +flies! + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--You may say that. I've had one fellow tickling me this +half-hour. + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually +penetrates my vertebra. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Werterbee! What's that? + +OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_impatiently_).--The spine, my friend (_whish! +whish!_) + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it is a shameful thing to _dock_ us as they +does. If the marrow in one's backbone should melt, it would be sartin to +run out at the tip of one's tail. I say, how's your _feed?_ + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Very indifferent--the chaff predominates--(_munch_) +not _bene_ by any means. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied +if they'd only make it _oaty_ now and then. How long have you been in +the hackney line? + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I have occupied my present degraded position about two +years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever +come to this. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it ain't very respectable, is it?--especially since +the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?--you +look as if you had been well brought up. + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--My mama was own sister to _Lottery_, but +unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the +produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign +Dashard. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Bless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve +in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out I'd a splint, and +wouldn't have me! I say, ain't that stout woman with a fat family looking +at us? + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I'm afraid she is. People of her grade in society are +always partial to a dilatory shillingworth. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or +Mutton-hill, or a _hill_ somewhere. + +WOMAN.--Coach! + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--She's ahailing us! I wonder whether she's narvous? I'll +let out with my hind leg a bit--(_kick_)--O Lord! the rheumatiz! + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pray don't. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a +thoroughbred. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven't you just acknowledged +that you were a cocktail? Thank God! she's moving on. Hallo! there's old +Readypenny!--a willanous Tory. + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I beg to remark that mine isn't. I sarved Readypenny +out at Westminster 'lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to +the poll, and I wouldn't draw an inch. I warn't agoing to take up a +plumper for Rous. + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I declare the obese female returns. + +WOMAN.--Coach! Hallo! Coach! + +WATERMAN.--Here you is, ma'am. Kuck! kuck! kuck!--Come along!--(_Pulling +the coach and horses_). + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will +pull my head off. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase. + +WATERMAN--Come up, you old brute! + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Old brute! What evidence of a low mind!--[_The stout +woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach_]. + +COACH.--O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!--O law! Week! week! + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Do you hear how the poor old thing's a sufferin'?--She +must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay +for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of +Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch don't break--she has been crazy a long +time. + +WATERMAN.--Snow-hill--opposite the Saracen's Head. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--I know'd it! + +COACHMAN.--Kuck! kuck! + +WHIP.--Whack! whack! + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may +save us from flagellation. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, I'm pulling, ain't I? + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I don't like to dispute your word; +but--(_whack_)--Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--A _raw_ you mean. Who's not pulling now, I should +like to know! + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I couldn't help hopping then; you know what a +_grease_ I have in my hind leg. + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, haven't I a splint and a corn, and ain't one of my +fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt? + +WOMAN.--Stop! stop! + +COACHMAN.--Whoo up!--d--n you! + +OFF-SIDE HORSE.--There goes my last masticator! + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I'm blow'd if he hasn't jerked my head so that he's +given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we +shall save the hill. + +WOMAN.--Three doors higher up. + +COACHMAN.--Chuck! chuck! + +WHIP.--Whack! whack! + +COACHMAN.--Come up, you varmint! + +OFF-SIDE HORSE--Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O +Pegasus! what shall I come to next! + +NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages! + + * * * * * + +The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was +obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking +me by the scruff of my neck if I ain't pretty regular in my hours. + +Yours, werry obediently, TOBY. + + * * * * * + + +COURT CIRCULAR. + +Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose services +we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the enlightened manager +of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to advance the interest of the +drama is only equalled by his ignorance of the means. + + * * * * * + +Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself +entirely to _stews_. + +Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two +Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which +delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next. + +Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close +consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the +_premiership_? + +Mr. Moreton Dyer, "_the amateur turner_," has been a frequent visitor +at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving +lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always +considered his lordship a Talleyrand in _turning_. + + * * * * * + + +A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION. + +(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A "NOTED" TAILOR'S BILL.) + + By winter's chill the fragrant flower is nipp'd, + To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring; + The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp'd, + A fresher foliage on each branch to bring; + + The aërial songster moults his plumerie, + To vie in sleekness with each feather'd brother: + A twelvemonth's wear hath ta'en thy nap from thee, + My seedy coat!--When shall I get another? + +NOTE.--Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid, +to PUNCH'S office. + +P.S.--None need apply who _refuse_ three years' acceptances. If the +bills be made _renewable_, by agreement, "continuations" will be +taken in any quantity.--FITZROY FIPS. + + * * * * * + + +STREET POLITICS. + +A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER. + + +(_Enter_ PUNCH.) + +PUNCH.--R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit? + +(_Sings._) + + "Wheel about and turn about, + And do jes so; + Ebery time I turn about, + I jump Jim Crow." + +MANAGER.--Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day. + +PUNCH.--Yes, yes; I've been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to +the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have +done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. I'm +an M.P. now. + +MANAGER.--An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch. + +THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough! + +PUNCH.--Fact, upon my honour. I'm at this moment an unit in the collective +stupidity of the nation. + +DOG TOBY.--R-r-r-r-r-r--wough--wough! + +PUNCH.--Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a +legislator before, that he barks at me so? + +MANAGER.--A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho! +ho! ho! + +PUNCH.--My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally +used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more +blockheads than mine in St. Stephen's, I can tell you. And as for oratory, +why I flatter my whiskers I'll astonish them in that line. + +MANAGER.--But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch? + +PUNCH.--I'd have you know, sir, I'm above having any principles but those +that put money in my pocket. + +MANAGER.--I mean on what interest did you start? + +PUNCH.--On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble +feeling that a public man can entertain. + +MANAGER.--Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as +a Whig or a Tory? + +PUNCH.--As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry, +beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and-- + +THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wough, wough! + +MANAGER.--Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were +always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government. + +PUNCH.--So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported +themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I +turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the +opposition 'bus. + +MANAGER.---But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch? + +PUNCH.--Where every politician's is, sir--in my breeches' pocket. + +MANAGER.--And your consistency, Mr. Punch? + +PUNCH.--What a green chap you are, after all. A public man's consistency! +It's only a popular delusion, sir. I'll tell you what's consistency, sir. +When one gentleman's _in_ and won't come _out_, and when another +gentleman's _out_ and can't get _in_, and when both gentlemen +persevere in their determination--that's consistency. + +MANAGER.--I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public +man to---- + +PUNCH.--(_sings_)-- + + "Wheel about and turn about, + And do jes so; + Ebery time he turn about, + He jumps Jim Crow." + +MANAGER.--Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not +very flattering? + +PUNCH.--'Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green +and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they haven't a chance. The +election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts +them--Ireland fails them--Scotland alone sticks with national attachment +to their backs, like a-- + +THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough! + +MANAGER.--Of course, then, the Tories will take office--? + +PUNCH.--I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their +chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs +were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not +growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they +were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the +decay of our ancient and venerable constitution--? And have they not +promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would--Send +round the hat. + +MANAGER.--Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories +mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food? + +PUNCH.--No, but they'll give them cheap drink. They'll throw open the +Thames for the use of the temperance societies. + +MANAGER.--But if we don't have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed, +our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle. + +PUNCH.--There you're wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and, +though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full. + +MANAGER.--That's all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a +_leetle_ if you starve them. + +PUNCH.--Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being +grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!--I've studied political +economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. They've got a fine plan +in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the +homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in +infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs +that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany. +Oh! 'tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mind--Send round the +hat. + +MANAGER.--What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch? + +PUNCH.--It means--when a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide +his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he +may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same +difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into +his supper. + +MANAGER.--But if the man has got no supper? + +PUNCH.--Then let him wish he may get it. + +MANAGER.--Oh! that's your sliding scale? + +PUNCH.--Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of +victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat. + +MANAGER.--At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable +to free trade? + +PUNCH.--Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions +that mean nothing but free plunder. I'll illustrate my position. I'm a boy +in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my +form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling +in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a +bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of +course, knocks up my trade. + +MANAGER.--But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch. + +PUNCH.--D--n the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. I'm +for centralization--and individualization--every man for himself, and +PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my +form, and see how I'll cobb him. So now--send round the hat--and three +cheers for + +PUNCH'S POLITICS. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. + +No. 1. + + + O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger, + Why this lonely path you seek; + Every step is fraught with danger + Unto one so fair and meek. + Where are they that _should_ protect thee + In this darkling hour of doubt? + Love _could_ never thus neglect thee!-- + _Does your mother know you're out?_ + + Why so pensive, Peri-maiden? + Pearly tears bedim thine eyes! + Sure thine heart is overladen, + When each breath is fraught with sighs. + Say, hath care life's heaven clouded, + Which hope's stars were wont to spangle? + What hath all thy gladness shrouded?-- + _Has your mother sold her mangle?_ + + * * * * * + + +A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE. + +We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W----, that, for the +convenience of the public, he has put down one of his carriages, and given +orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the construction of an easy and elegant +_stretcher._ + + * * * * * + + +CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES + +[Illustration: + + CANVASSING. What a love of a child + THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy + THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals + THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg + THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life] + + * * * * * + + +FINE ARTS. + +PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists in general, +that should the violent cold with which he has been from time immemorial +afflicted, and which, although it has caused his voice to appear like an +infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and thistles, yet has not +very materially affected him otherwise--should it not deprive him of +existence--please Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every +exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further, +that he will most unequivocally be down with his _coup de baton_ upon +every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention. + +That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters are +generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance: should +the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCH'S portrait +in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the purest +production of the general mourning school--and all performed by +scissars--to the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal +Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real +carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH +would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the +landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for PUNCH--none +of your insinuating cabinet gems--no Art-_ful_ Union system of doing +things--Hopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for +another--and as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen +corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to +screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little +affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in front of +his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to prove that +PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism, he has +prepared the following description of the private view of either the Royal +Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British Institution, for +1842, for the lovers of this very light style of reading; and to make it +as truly applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection +or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner +practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be +exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what strict +attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an intimate +knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to displays, and with +what consummate skill he blends those peculiarities, the reader will have +the kindness to attach the criticism to either of the works (hereunder +catalogued) most agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that +this is a thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft +anointment. + + THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY: + + Portrait of the miscreant who \ + attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath. | + VALENTINE VERMILION. | + | + Portrait of His Majesty the | The head is extremely + King of Hanover. | well painted, and the light + BY THE SAME. | and shade distributed with + | the artist's usual judgement. + Portrait of the boy who got into | + Buckingham Palace. | + GEOFFERY GLAZEM. | OR THUS: + | + Portrait of Lord John Russell. | + BY THE SAME. | An admirable likeness of + \ the original, and executed + Portrait of W. Grumbletone, Esq., / with that breadth and clearness + in the character of Joseph Surface. | so apparent in this clever + PETER PALETTE. | painter's works. + | + Portrait of Sir Robert Peel. | + BY THE SAME. | OR THUS: + | + Portrait of the Empress of Russia. | + VANDYKE BROWN. | A well-drawn and brilliantly + | painted portrait, calculated + Portrait of the infant Princess. | to sustain the fame already + BY THE SAME. | gained by this our favourite + | painter. + Portrait of Mary Mumblegums, | + aged 170 years. | + BY THE SAME. / + + + THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT: + + The Death of Abel. \ + MICHAEL McGUELP. | + | + Dead Game. | + THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL. | + | + Vesuvius in Eruption. | This picture is well arranged, + CHARLES CARMINE, R.A. | and coloured with much truth + | to nature; the chiaro-scuro + Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child. | is admirably managed. + R.W. BUSS. | + | + Cattle returning from the Watering | OR THUS: + Place. \ + R. BOLLOCK. / + | This is one of the cleverest + "We won't go home till Morning." | productions in the Exhibition; + M. WATERFORD, R.H.S. | there is a transparency in the + | shadows equal to Rembrandt. + The infant Cupid sleeping. | + R. DADD. | + | + Portrait of Lord Palmerston. | + A.L.L. UPTON. | + | + Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look | + out. | + H. PARKER. | + | + Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P. | + J. WOOD. | + / + +Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a little too +oily, they can easily add such a tag as the following:--"In our humble +judgment, a little more delicacy of handling would not be altogether out +of place;" or, "Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we +recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing +previous productions by the same." + + +FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED: + +This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see the vigour +of handling and smartness of conception formerly apparent in his works: +or, "A little stricter attention to drawing, as well as composition, would +render this artist's works more recommendatory." + + +THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED: + +Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately: "A perfect daub, +possessing not one single quality necessary to create even the slightest +interest--a disgrace to the Exhibition--who allowed such a wretched +production to disgrace these walls?--woefully out of drawing, and as badly +coloured," and such like. + + * * * * * + + +A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS. + +BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE. + + Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer, + For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost everywhere; + And the blazing red of my beadle's coat is turning to pink through fear, + Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the + end of the year. + I've done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico + Of Somerset House, that I don't know what I should do if I was for to go! + What the electors are at, I can't make out, upon my soul, + For it's a law of natur' that the _whig_ should be atop of + the _poll_. + I've had a snug berth of it here for some time, and don't want to cut + the connexion; + But they _do_ say the Whigs must go out, because they've NO OTHER + ELECTION; + What they mean by that, I _don't_ know, for ain't they been + electioneering-- + That is, they've been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and + ginning, and beering. + Hasn't Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John + Russell, + For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming + _bussel_? + Ain't the two _first_ retired into private life--(that's the genteel + for being rejected)? + And what's more, the _last_ four, strange to say, have all been elected. + Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his + coat collar, + Hav'n't they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them + _Hollar_? + Then at Lambeth, ain't Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on 'em + bottled + By Mr. D'Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled! + And hasn't Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier, + Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap queer? + Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a _Cleave_-r for Marrowbone + looks cranky, + Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out "_No Sankee?_" + Then South'ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood, + Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his duty--he + would! + Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find + that they're in the wrong box, + For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed + the Fox; + Whilst Westminster's chosen Rous--not Rouse of the Eagle--tho' I once + seed a + Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a _goose_, along + with a Leda. + And hasn't Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A'Court been down to Tamworth to be + reseated? + They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for + its always--ditto repeated. + Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a + considerable fume, + Who finds it no go, though he's added up the poll-books several times + with the calculating boy, Joe Hume. + So if there's been _no other election_, I should like to find out + What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding, + losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other _et + cetera_, has been about! + + * * * * * + + +TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE. + + Black bottles at Brighton, + To darken your fame; + Black Sundays at Hounslow, + To add to your shame. + Black balls at the club, + Show Lord Hill's growing duller: + He should change your command + To the _guards_ of that colour. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. + +[Illustration] + +English--it has been remarked a thousand and odd times--is one of the few +languages which is unaccompanied with gesticulation. Your veritable +Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary as your genuine Frenchman is +prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an oracle, the other like a +telegraph. + +Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his +hands fast locked in his breeches' pocket, and his features as calm as a +horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the _debut_ of the new _danseuse_, with +several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left +side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two +shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea. + +The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency +of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which +is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps, +objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and +consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a wicked +waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of +Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in +pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much money +in the dirt--a crime which he regards as second in depravity only to that +of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we were a nation +of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather than diminished, +our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole standard of +excellence. We measure a man's respectability by his banker's account, and +mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very nobility +is a nobility of the breeches' pocket; and the highest personage in the +realm--her most gracious Majesty--the most gracious Majesty of +500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial +people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage +should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like +ourselves, it is equally natural that a man's worthiness should be +computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this commercial spirit, which, +for the reason before assigned, is opposed to the introduction of +pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this spirit that we would +appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency which we cannot but look +upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a +cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all +our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for +the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is +coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their appearance +amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly confined to that +class upon whose manners politeness places little or no +restraint--barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as the book of +etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very reason, such a change +would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet do we trust, by pointing +out to the more refined portion of the "British public," the advantage +that must necessarily accrue from the general cultivation of the art of +pantomime, by proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively +tedious operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a +far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of time, and +that with a saving of one-half the muscular exertion--a point so perfectly +consonant with the present prevailing desire for cheap and rapid +communication--that we say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher +classes to look upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of +expression, but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the +most polite and useful of all accomplishments. + +[Illustration] + +But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all their +comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in the first +place, say a few words on language in general. + +It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among +men--the written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature +of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of +conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses or +modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses +and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the +gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and +literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language, may be +cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince's Mixture to a stranger, or a +bottle of "Bouquet du Roi" to a fair acquaintance; both of which are but +forms of expressing to them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an +organ but little cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it +is, therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that +which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to be +imbibed with our mother's milk. What words can speak affection to the +child like elecampane--what language assures us of the remembrance of an +absent friend like a brace of wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the +eloquence of dinners? A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these +to all guests the very emblems of esteem--and turtle, venison, and +champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a +particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration of the +genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as +in a public dinner? or if a candidate be anxious to convince the "free and +independent electors" of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for +the commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the +general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and +last species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All +understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caresses--between +being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who, +however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what fair +maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to +construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender +pressure of her toe under the dinner table? + +Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man. +There is, however, one other--that which forms the subject of the present +article--Pantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of the +visible language--literature being taken as the artificial. This is the +most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the earliest, +as it is the most intuitive--the smiles and frowns of the mother being the +first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we consider for a moment +that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin, +changing to-day into yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age, +and life into death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets +of the scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art +which constitutes the very essence of existence itself. "Speech," says +Talleyrand, that profound political pantomimist, "was given to +_conceal_ our thoughts;" and truly this is the chief use to which it +is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words. Let +but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand desideratum must +be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates, instead of being able, as +now, to become legislators by simply professing to be patriots, will be +placed in the awkward predicament of having first to _act_ as such; +and that the clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the +mere preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a +portion to charitable purposes, and _practise_ it. + +Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages of +this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of becoming +the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of ultimately +finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the beautiful Miss B., by +gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that +doubt and incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of "Love's +young dream," by a gentle indication with the dexter hand over the +sinister shoulder. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + +AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN. + +An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen's Bench against Mr. +Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a person named Clark, in +wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other refreshments, during a contest for +the representation of the borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who +it appears was chairman of Mr. Walter's committee, swore that _every +thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him._ By a +remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this tippling +case was _Mr. Lush._ + + * * * * * + + +AN ODE. + +PICKED UP IN KILLPACK'S DIVAN. + +Cum notis variorum. + +"Excise Court.--An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling +spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that +there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was +treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members, and +that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined £5 in +each case."--_Observer_ + +[ILLUSTRATION: Best British Brandy not Permitted] + + INVOCATION. + + Assist, ye jocal nine[1], inspire my soul! + (Waiter! a go of Brett's best alcohol, + A light, and one of Killpack's mild Havannahs). + Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas + I sing of what we were--of what we _now_ are. + Wildly let me rave, + To imprecate the knave + Whose curious _information_ turned our porter sour, + Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!) + Brown, + Down + Knocking our snug, unlicensed club; + Changing, despite our _belle esprit_, at one fell _swop_, + Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop! + + ODE. + + Then little Bob arose, + And doff'd his clothes, + Exclaiming, "Momus! Stuff! + I've played him long enough," + And, as the public seems inclined to sack us, + Behold me ready _dressed_ to play young Bacchus. + He said[2] his legs the barrel span, + And thus the Covent Garden god began;-- + "GENTLEMEN,--I am--ahem--!--I beg your pardon, + But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden-- + No, I don't mean that, I mean to say, + That if we were--ahem!--to pay + So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of 'Hear!'] + Import our own champagne and ginger-beer; + In short, _small_ duty pay on all we sup-- + Ahem!--you understand--I give it up." + The speech was ended, + And Bob descended. + The club was formed. A spicy club it was-- + Especially on Saturdays; because + They dined extr'ordinary cheap at five o'clock: + When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc. + Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers-- + Odd fellows all--_odder_ than all their club compeers. + Some were sub-editors, others reporters, + And more _illuminati_, joke-importers. + The club was heterogen'ous + By strangers seen as + A refuge for destitute _bons mots_-- + _Dépôt_ for leaden jokes and pewter pots; + Repertory for gin and _jeux d'esprit_, + Literary pound for vagrant rapartee; + Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms; + Gall'ry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;[3] + Foundling hospital for every bastard pun; + In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun! + * * * * + Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit, + Hear me while I say + "_Donnez-moi du frenzy, s'il vous plait!_"[4] + Give me a most tremendous fit + Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition, + Or deep anathema, + Fatal as J--d's bah! + To hurl excisemen downward to perdition. + May genial gin no more delight _their_ throttles-- + _Their_ casks grow leaky, bottomless _their_ bottles; + May smugglers _run_, and they ne'er make a seizure; + May _they_--I'll curse them further at my leisure. + But for our club, + "Ay, there's the rub." + "We mourn it dead in its father's halls:"[5]-- + The sporting prints are cut down from the walls; + No stuffing there, + Not even in a chair; + The spirits are all _ex_(or)_cised_, + The coffee-cups capsized, + The coffee _fine_-d, the snuff all taken, + The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken: + The utter ruin of the club's achieven-- + Our very chess-boards are ex-_chequered_ even. + "Where is our club?" X--sighs,[6] and with a stare + Like to another echo, answers "Where?" + + [1] "Ye jocal nine," a happy modification of "Ye vocal nine." + The nine here so classically invocated are manifestly nine + of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1. Mr. D--s + J--d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer and + store-keeper. 3. Mr. G--e S--h, sub-ed. J---- B----. 4. Mr. + B--d, Mem. Dram. Author's Society. 5. C--s S--y, ditto. 6. + Mr. C--e. 7. Mr. C--s, T--s, late of the firm of T--s and + P--t. 8. Mr. J--e A--n, Mem. Soc. British Artists. 9, and + lastly, "though not least," the author of "You loved me not + in happier days." + + [2] "He said."--Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished + of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some + passages an imitation of it which might be considered + pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The + literal rendering of the '_dixit_' of the ancient epicists, + strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.--PUNCH. + + [3] A play-bill reminiscence, viz. "The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins + and Pitt."--THE AUTHORS OF "BUT, HOWEVER." + + [4] "Donnez-moi," &c.--The classics of all countries are aptly + drawn upon by the universal erudition of our bard. A fine + parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel's starving + author: "La Gloire--donnez-moi do pain!"--FENWICK DE + PORQUET. + + [5] "They mourn it dead," &c.--A pretty, but perhaps too literal + allusion to a popular song--J. RODWELL. + + [6] "X--sighs."--Who "X" may happen to be we have not the remotest + idea. But who would not forgive a little mystification for + so brilliant a pun?--THE GHOST OF PUNCH'S THEATRE. + + * * * * * + + +MR. HUME. + +We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from his +parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the neighbourhood +of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members only, in the +principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some measure his +own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged in preparing a +Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him success. + + * * * * * + +"PRIVATE." + +"In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended to confer +the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It would be +difficult to select an individual more _peculiarly_ fitted for the +situation than his lordship, whose _love of letters_ is notorious in +the Carlton Club."--_Extract from an Intercepted Letter._ + + * * * * * + + +"AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?" + +It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party +should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the +Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former opponents. We have no +doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel +grateful for support from any quarter; but we much doubt the +practicability of the measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see +Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition +engines, with their followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House +of Commons. In our opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the +result of these + +[ILLUSTRATION: GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.] + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +The "star system" has added another victim to the many already sacrificed +to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an actor whose personation of +_Macduff_, the _Hunchback, Jaques_, &c., would have procured for +him in former times no mean position, has been compelled to secede from +the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the +continual sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one +to whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The part +assigned to Mr. Phelps (_Friar Lawrence_) requires an actor of +considerable powers, and under the old _régime_ would have +deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps' position; but we can understand the +motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the +practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr. +Phelps' opposition to this ruinous system of "starring" as commendable and +manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the upholding of this +system. The "stars" are paid so enormously, and cost so much to maintain +them in their false position, that the manager cannot afford (supposing +the disposition to exist) to pay the working portion of his company +salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or compatible with the +appearance they are expected to maintain out of the theatre; whilst +opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of improving any +favourable impression they may have made upon the public, is denied to +them, from the fear that the influence of the greater, because more +fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are now so well +known, that men of education are deterred from making the stage a +profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to +this cause. + +The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable to +this absurd and destructive system. The "star" must be considered alone in +the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to +measure, the actor, _par excellence_, must be the arbiter of the +author's creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in +the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of +this individual display, its rejection by the "star" would render the +labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of +fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying +labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the +pecuniary monopoly of the "star." + +It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the +stage. The public had formerly _many_ favourites, because all had an +opportunity of contending for their favour--now they have only Mr. A. or +Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it +may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually +sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the +charm of the melody. + +We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We +quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious to +an art which we reverence. + + * * * * * + + +VAUXHALL.--Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!--Elysium +of illumination lamps!--Paradise of Simpson!--we have been permitted once +again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast +of impalpable ham and invisible chicken--to join in the eruption of +exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories--to swallow thy mysterious arrack +and + +[Illustration: PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.] + +We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his +six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head--we have roved again amid +those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago, + + "We met the daylight after seven hours' sitting." + +But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not +Vauxhall: the G R's were V R's--the cocked hats were round hats--the +fiddlers were foreigners--the Rotunda was Astley's--the night was +moon-shiny--and there was not--our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful +fact--there was not "Simpson" to exclaim, "Welcome to the royal property!" +Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou +doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge +of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name +immortal--Peace to thy manes! + +STRAND.--The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have +produced another mythological drama, called "The Frolics of the Fairies; +or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle," from the pen of Leman Rede, who is, +without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of +Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this +piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it +arose from the _indisposition_ of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same +hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and "a gem of the +first water" she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be +useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends +more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success. +It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest of--dare we call her +mere woman?--little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle +of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage +reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can +labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the +production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve +the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little +Temple of Momus. + + * * * * * + + +The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord +Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrow's +late establishment; but whether the _peds_ are _bi_ or _quadru_, +rumour sayeth not. + + +A CARD. + +MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in +general, that they supply _dénouements_ to unfinished stories, on the +most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of +catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention. + + +FOR MELO-DRAMA. + +Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused. + +Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim. + +Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of +virtue. + + +FOR FARCES. + +Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c. + + +FOR COMEDIES. + +Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune. + +Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends. + +Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter. + +Ditto, ditto, very fine, "with convenient cordial," and true gentlemen, +illustrated by an old _debauchee_. + +N.B.--On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides, +strongly recommended for Surrey use. + + * * * * * + + +WHY AND BECAUSE. + + + Young Kean's a bad cigar--because + The more he's puff'd, the worse he draws. + +A new farce, entitled "My Friend the Captain," is to be produced tonight, +at the Haymarket Theatre. + +MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday +next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actor's professional +brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has +always been ready to afford to others. + +TO MRS. H. + + Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee, + No wonder men run after thee; + There's something in a name, perhaps, + For _Honey's_ often good for _chaps_. + +A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very +chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of +Mr. Davidge's patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss +Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that "music +hath charms." + +We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous +who was lately returned for Westminster. + + +THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA. + +_Berthelda_.--Sanguine, you have killed your _mother_!!! + +_Fruitwoman_.--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer! + +(_Curtain falls_.) + + * * * * * + + +QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P. + +We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament +for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very +liberally distributed by Captain Rons's party, during the late contest:-- + +1st. Because "he is _brother to the Earl_ of Stradbroke." + +2nd. Because "his _family_ have always been hearty Conservatives." + +3rd. Because "they have been established in _Suffolk_ from the time +of the _Heptarchy_." + +4th. Because "he entered the navy in 1808." + +5th. Because "he _brought home Lord Aylmer_ in the Pique, in 1835." + +6th. Because "he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle." + +7th. Because "after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again." + +8th. Because "he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot, +lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!" +ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.--Q.E.D. + + +THE ENTIRE ANIMAL. + +LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant +member to "go the whole hog." This is natural advice from a _thorough +bore_ like his lordship. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +1, July 17, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13639-8.txt or 13639-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/6/3/13639/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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