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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13639 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 17, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MORAL OF PUNCH.
+
+As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your society, we
+think it right that you should know something of our character and
+intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have misled you into a
+belief that we have no other intention than the amusement of a thoughtless
+crowd, and the collection of pence. We have a higher object. Few of the
+admirers of our prototype, merry Master PUNCH, have looked upon his
+vagaries but as the practical outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth.
+We have considered him as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have,
+therefore, adopted him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant
+instruction. When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley,
+flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in time with
+his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the attention and
+admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver puppetry have passed
+before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their adornments of coloured and
+lustrous gems, have bound the brow of infamy as well as that of honour--a
+mockery to both; as though virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment
+of its own high purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the
+forgetfulness of its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded
+coaches have glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and
+shouts of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often,
+the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy frothiness of
+those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in the market-place, and
+found their reward in the sycophancy of a degraded constituency, or the
+patronage of a venal ministry--no matter of what creed, for party
+_must_ destroy patriotism.
+
+The noble in his robes and coronet--the beadle in his gaudy livery of
+scarlet, and purple, and gold--the dignitary in the fulness of his
+pomp--the demagogue in the triumph of his hollowness--these and other
+visual and oral cheats by which mankind are cajoled, have passed in review
+before us, conjured up by the magic wand of PUNCH.
+
+How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with the bell,
+besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of him! The moment
+that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to forget the existence of
+his annoyance, and, carolling the mellifluous numbers of _Jim Crow_,
+or some other strain of equal beauty, makes the most of the present,
+regardless of the past or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his
+persecutions, PUNCH boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the
+victor. All have a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few,
+the philosophy of PUNCH!
+
+We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies. PUNCH is (and
+we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in principle, and somewhat of
+a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at times harsh and ungentlemanly to
+Mrs. P.
+
+  "Eve of a land that still is Paradise,
+  Italian beauty!"
+
+But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too much to
+expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we repudiate such
+principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own, and a little
+Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties; but we fearlessly aver
+that we never threw him out of window, nor belaboured the lady with a
+stick--even of the size allowed by law.
+
+There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it always
+saddens us--we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is true, sings in
+durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling with the song. We are
+advocates for the _correction_ of offenders; but how many generous
+and kindly beings are there pining within the walls of a prison, whose
+only crimes are poverty and misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and
+appear jocund, but the _heart_ can ever hear the ring of the bars.
+
+We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling out his
+music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but we felt sickened
+with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our thought, the free
+minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into the blue caverns of the
+heavens, with the bird to whom the world was circumscribed. May the time
+soon arrive, when every prison shall be a palace of the mind--when we
+shall seek to instruct and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated
+education by example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has
+almost germinated into reason. Man _has_ reason, why not give him
+intelligence?
+
+We now come to the last great lesson of our motley teacher--the gallows!
+that accursed tree which has its _root_ in injuries. How clearly
+PUNCH exposes the fallacy of that dreadful law which authorises the
+destruction of life! PUNCH sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not?
+Where is the divine injunction against the shedder of man's blood to rest?
+None _can_ answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At other
+times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy the
+principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the good, and the
+gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is now a jest.
+
+We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry and wise--
+
+  "And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,
+  What, after all, are all things but a show!"--_Byron._
+
+As on the stage of PUNCH'S theatre, many characters appear to fill up the
+interstices of the more important story, so our pages will be interspersed
+with trifles that have no other object than the moment's approbation--an
+end which will never be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the
+evanescent smile of a harmless satire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable
+_hard-bake_ houses in the metropolis. The firm had been speculating
+considerably in "Prince Albert's Rock," and this is said to have been the
+rock they have ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest
+sufferers. One of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a
+deposit on some _tom-trot_, which the house had promised to supply on
+the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of other
+transactions of a similar character.
+
+Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece and some
+halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an individual, who, if he
+had only chosen to walk with it into the market, might have produced a
+very alarming effect on some minor description of securities. Cherries
+were taken very freely at twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a
+shade lower than yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of
+tallow all the week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown
+a still further gloom upon rushlights.
+
+The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match market
+into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem destined to undergo
+a still further depression. This state of things was rendered worse
+towards the close of the day, by a large holder of the last-named article
+unexpectedly throwing an immense quantity into the market, which went off
+rapidly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOMETHING WARLIKE.
+
+Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces, the usual
+mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that cannot be
+clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen scroll, on which is
+painted, in large letters, the sentence necessary to be known. It so
+happened that a number of these scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of
+the grand spectacles at Astley's Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other
+lumber in the property-room, until the late destructive fire which
+occurred there. On that night, the wife of one of the stage-assistants--a
+woman of portly dimensions--was aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire,
+and in her confusion, being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid
+hold of one of these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed
+into the street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive
+back view, with the words, "BOMBARD THE CITADEL," inscribed in legible
+characters upon her singular drapery.
+
+
+HUME'S TERMINOLOGY.
+
+Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he will never
+make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives. Indeed, he proposes
+to expunge the term from the English language, and to substitute that
+which is applied to, his own party. In writing to a friend, that "after
+the inflammatory character of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite
+supererogatory for me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory
+measures will be rendered nugatory," he thus expressed himself:--"After
+the inflamma_whig_ character of the ora_whig_ of the nominees of
+the Carlton Club, it is quite supereroga_whig_ for me to state (it
+being no_whig_ous) that all concilia_whig_ measures will be
+rendered nuga_whig_."
+
+
+NATIVE SWALLOWS.
+
+A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that there is an
+almost total absence of swallows this summer in England. Had the writer
+been present at some of the election dinners lately, he must have
+confessed that a greater number of active swallows has rarely been
+observed congregated in any one year.
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE TO "PUNCH."
+
+My dear PUNCH,--Seeing in the "Court Circular" of the Morning Herald an
+account of a General Goblet as one of the guests of her Majesty, I beg to
+state, that till I saw that announcement, I was not aware of any other
+_general gobble it_ than myself at the Palace.
+
+Yours, truly,    MELBOURN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A RAILROAD NOVEL
+
+DEAR PUNCH,--I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat in the
+Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young
+gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his
+travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the
+full regulation size, and with intense interest commence the first volume
+at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away
+started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a
+butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as
+we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as
+we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by
+Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury--I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking
+a pinch of snuff--lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and
+I had scarcely time to say, "God bless us," till I found we had reached
+Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my
+reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid journey,
+and to devise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as
+my fellow-traveller. "Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the
+age of steam? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow
+Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
+auction bill?" Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a
+novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be
+retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of
+speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in
+preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
+names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning
+home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had
+written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady
+or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
+through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train
+running from London to Birmingham.
+
+I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing
+possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads,
+tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at
+the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my
+invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I
+shall instantly apply for a patent.
+
+
+SPECIMEN.
+
+
+CLARE GREY:
+
+A NOVEL.
+
+
+"Brief let me be."
+
+LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.
+
+1841.
+
+
+VOL. I.
+
+Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops,
+&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom
+ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom,
+and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's
+schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas,
+crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper),
+slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom
+serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from
+garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love
+is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the
+calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom
+caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty
+mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--Seven pages of
+sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart--Pshaw!--Never mind--
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"]
+
+
+VOL. II.
+
+"Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death or
+glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy, eternal
+truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes her eyes in
+cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel
+fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash,
+dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot
+work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say
+die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one
+eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love, hope, and
+Clare Grey--
+
+[Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.]
+
+
+VOL. III.
+
+"Here we are!"--At home once more--Old friends and old faces--Must be
+changed--Nobody knows him--Church bells ringing--Inquire
+cause--(?)--Wedding--Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker--Brain
+whirls--Eyes start from sockets--Devils and hell--Clare Grey, the fond,
+constant, Clare, a jilt?--Can't be--No go--Stump up to church--Too
+true--Clare just made Mrs. Snooks--Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!--Tom's
+crutch at work--Snooks floored--Bridesman settled--Parson bolts--Clerk
+mizzles--Salts and shrieks--Clare in a swoon--Pa' in a funk--Tragedy
+speech--Love! vengeance! and damnation!--Half an ounce of laudanum--Quick
+speech--Tom unshackles his wooden pin--Dies like a hero--Clare pines in
+secret--Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin--Poor Tom and
+Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath
+
+[Illustration:  "A WEEPING WILL-OH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.
+
+We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which
+we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:--
+
+MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
+
+Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for
+the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure
+Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short
+and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin
+two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
+
+COPY.
+
+"The following is a specimen of my punning _before_ taking six
+lessons of Mr. T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain _cold_ with which
+children are affected?
+
+"A. Because it's _a new pink off_ (an hooping-cough).
+
+"This is a specimen of my punning _after_ taking six lessons of Mr.
+T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an
+injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
+
+"A. Because the one is _for-getting_ and the other
+_for-giving_."
+
+N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will
+find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service.
+
+Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be
+suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
+also a few second-hand _bon mots_ which he can offer a bargain.
+
+*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF "CANT."
+
+There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it
+being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is
+necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be
+brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what
+are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this
+means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the
+different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most
+advantageously place himself.
+
+It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in
+this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to
+bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain
+sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public
+education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical
+though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious
+Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its
+turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself
+so ancient and beautiful a practice.
+
+VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS
+
+1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered,
+  1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
+    1. He that voteth for dead men.
+    2. He that voteth for empty tenements.
+    3. He that voteth for many men.
+    4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.
+  2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
+    1. Because he hath a bet that he will vote.
+    2. Because he loveth a lark.
+    3. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
+       [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
+        BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]
+
+2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is upset by a bribed coachman.
+    2. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put
+        into the cage.
+    3. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way.
+    4. He who is hocussed.
+    5. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like.
+  2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.
+    2. He who has not been solicited.
+    3. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.
+    4. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.
+    5. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.
+    6. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late,
+        and the like.
+
+3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
+          1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
+            1. He that pretendeth the money is due to him.
+            2. He that pretendeth it is lent.
+            3. He who receiveth it as alms.
+            4. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated
+                tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like.
+          2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
+            1. He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in
+                Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.
+            2. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter,
+                curate, and the like.
+            3. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary
+                to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey,
+                chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like.
+          3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
+            1. He that voteth for Walker's Gooseberry, or Elector's
+                Sparkling Champagne.
+            2. For sloe-juice, or Elector's fine old crusted Port.
+            3. He who voteth for Brett's British Brandy, or Elector's
+                real French Cognac.
+            4. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, _coculus
+                Indicus_, Spanish juice, or Elector's Extra Double Stout.
+        2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
+          1. He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers,
+              or the like.
+          2. He who getteth a contract, for paupers' clothing, building
+              unions, and the like.
+          3. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent
+              40s. freeholders.
+          4. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes,
+              haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork,
+              pine-apples, early peas, and the like.
+      2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
+        1. By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice
+            to quit.
+        2. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot
+            be trusted.
+        3. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite
+            opinion in his employ.
+        4. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.
+        5. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and
+            Gretna Green.
+        6. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth
+            him be d--d.
+      3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
+        1. He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him
+            a place.
+        2. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.
+        3. He who voteth to get into genteel society.
+        4. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.
+        5. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a
+            large family.
+        6. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.
+    2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into
+          1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as
+            1. He who believeth taxes will be taken off.
+            2. He who believeth wages will be raised.
+            3. He who thinketh trade will be increased.
+            4. He who studieth political economy.
+            5. He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and
+                listeneth to lectures, and the like.
+          2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as
+            1. He who voteth to support "the glorious Constitution," and
+                maintain "the envy of surrounding nations."
+            2. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
+                revenue.
+            3. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings,
+                and the like.
+        2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in
+              together.
+          2. He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots.
+          3. That the Tories love the poor.
+          4. That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his
+              country.
+          5. That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the like.
+        3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate's ribbons suit his wife's
+              complexion.
+          2. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
+              canvasser.
+          3. Because his wife had the candidate's carriage to make calls
+              in, and the like.
+          4. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince
+              Albert Quadrilles.
+          5. Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last
+              infant, and the like.
+      2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into
+        1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as
+          1. He who voteth on one side because his father always voted
+              on the same.
+          2. Because the "Wrong-heads" and the like had always sat for
+              the county.
+          3. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such
+              as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must
+              maintain his principle.
+          4. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
+              the like.
+        2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds.
+          2. Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name
+              as the opposite candidate.
+          3. Because the candidate is of a noble family.
+          4. Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel,
+              and the like.
+          5. Because he knoweth the candidate's cousin.
+          6. Because the candidate directed to him--"Esq."
+        3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be
+              considered as
+          1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as
+            1. He that voteth on both sides.
+            2. Because he tossed up with himself.
+            3. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who
+                hath most votes.
+            4. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the
+                other, to show that he is not influenced.
+            5. Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the
+                popular candidate.
+          2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as
+            1. He who cannot be trusted.
+            2. He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the other.
+            3. He who is not worth bribing.
+            4. He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter
+                was not answered.
+            5. He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived,
+                and the like.
+  2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe.
+      2. He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray.
+      3. He who is confused and giveth the wrong name.
+      4. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested.
+      5. He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates,
+          and the like.
+    2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so
+          incensed into voting the opposite way.
+      2. He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so
+          outraged into honesty.
+      3. He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and
+          so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate.
+      4. He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being
+          enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.
+      5. He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who
+          keepeth a carriage and the like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER
+
+
+Have any of PUNCH'S readers ever met one of the above _genus_--or
+rather, have they not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most
+persevering _hic et ubique_ powers. Like the old mole, these
+Truepennies "work i' th' dark:" at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole,
+the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian,
+Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological
+Saloons, they "most do congregate." Once set your eyes upon them, once
+become acquainted with their habits and manners, and then mistake them if
+you can. They are themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket
+jockeys, the peripatetic venders, or buyers of "old clo'," or the Albert
+continuations at _one pound one_, they appear to be _made to
+measure for the same_. We must now describe them (to speak
+theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new
+dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer,
+i.e. neither one nor the other ever _were entirely new_, and never
+will be allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these
+worthies is generally _very_ blue or _very_ brown; the cut
+whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at what
+precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on the
+probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that alone could
+to long have kept them from Time's remorseless maw. The collars are always
+velvet, and always greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the
+seams, the stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to
+believe they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose
+labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
+buttons!--oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They,
+indeed, are the aristocracy--the yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars
+of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coat--they are
+_on it_, and that's all--they have no further communion--they decline
+the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their living--they
+announce themselves as "the last new fashion"--they sparkle for a week,
+retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years
+after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine
+splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
+accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a
+material known only to themselves--a sort of nightmare illusion of velvet,
+covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously picked out and
+guarded with a nondescript collection of the very greenest green pellets
+of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment)
+describe the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two
+rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent), commencing,
+to all appearance, at the _small of the back_, and reaching down even
+to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a double-breasted one, made
+upon the good old dining-out principle of leaving plenty of room in the
+victualling department. To complete the catalogue of raiment, the
+untalkaboutables have so little right to the name of drab, that it would
+cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more
+exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the
+portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes
+of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that description
+of mud-markers known in the purlieus of Liecester-square, and at
+all denominations of "boots"--great, little, red, and yellow--as
+eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are strapped
+down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in extreme doubt
+whether the Prussian hero of that name is their legitimate sponsor, or the
+glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured
+that (as there never was a _pair_ of either of the illustrious
+heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency, invariably
+perambulate in _one of each_. We scarcely know whether it be so or
+not--we merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the _two
+Bluchers_, _because_ of the _eight-and-six_. The only
+additional expense likely to add any emolument to the _tanner's_
+interest (we mean no pun) is the immense extent of sixpenny straps
+generally worn. These are described by a friend of ours as belonging to
+the great class of _coaxers_; and their exertions in bringing (as a
+nautical man would say) the trowsers _to bear_ at all, is worthy of
+notice. There is a legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from
+one of the fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty's
+theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of
+the affair being the close approximation of some of his principal foreign
+words to "Tol de rol," and "Fal the ral ra"), in which it was asserted,
+that from a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the
+body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity.
+In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully
+nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish
+to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the _genus_ in
+_black_ and _white_, we may as well state at once, _those_
+are the colours generally casing the throats from whence their sweet
+sounds issue; these _ties_ are garnished with union pins, whose
+strong _mosaic tendency_ would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had
+they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of the
+Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing world,
+amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an _auto-da-fe_.
+
+It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his
+head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying
+pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands,
+though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of
+French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about
+as much in proportion to _the box_ as _eighteen insides_ are to
+a small tax-cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved
+inscription purports) given by "several gentlemen" (who are,
+unfortunately, in these instances, always anonymous--which circumstance,
+as they are invariably described as "admirers of talent," is much to be
+regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the
+immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at four o'clock of the
+morning, with a bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is,
+they are universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of
+obesity.
+
+The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased, and
+the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no professional
+singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and found a failure.
+Its uses are remarkable and various: like the "death's-head and
+cross-bones" of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of the
+conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our mind's eye
+one of the species even now--we see him coquetting with the fork,
+compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be
+called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the
+proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
+performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the
+right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet
+double-breaster--we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they
+fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the
+smoke-embued apartment--we perceive the extension of the dexter hand
+employed in innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of
+an orange, whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a
+watch-guard, _if_ the professional singer _had a watch_. We hear
+the three distinct hems--oblivion for a moment seizes us--the glasses
+jingle--two auctioneers' hammers astonish the mahogany--several dirty
+hands are brought in violent and noisy contact--we are near a friend of
+the vocalist--our glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties
+itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic
+performances of the said zealous friend--and with an exclamation that,
+were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
+singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half
+lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the "creature comfort"
+with infinite satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that fat
+man). "A glee, gents!--a glee!"--Ah! there they are--three coats--three
+collars--Heaven knows how many buttons!--three bald heads, three stout
+stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and
+conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux."--What is
+the subject?
+
+  "_Hail_ smi_lig_ _b_orn."
+
+That's a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing
+_ensemble_ is totally exploded by these gentry--each professional
+singer, as a professional singer, sings his very loudest, in _justice to
+himself_; if his brethren want physical power, that's no fault of
+_his_, _he don't_. Professional singers indulge in small
+portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements is, "Non
+nobis," &c. &c.; that is, they consider they ought to know the airs. The
+words are generally delivered as follows:--_Don--dobis--do--by--de_.
+A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this line.
+
+In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention,
+they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more
+Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the same--sit anywhere,
+just to accommodate--eat everything, to prove they have no squeamish
+partialities--know to a toothful what a bottom of brandy _should
+be_--the exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most
+likely victim to _drop upon_ for any further nourishment they may
+require. Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by
+the important information that "Harry Phillips knows what he's
+about"--"Weber was up to a thing or two." A _baritone_ ain't the sort
+of thing for tenor music: and when _they_ sung with some man (nobody
+ever heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn't mind--"A
+cigar?" "Thank you, sir!--seldom smoke--put it in my
+pocket--(_aside_) that makes a dozen! Your good health, sir!--don't
+dislike cold, though I generally take it warm--didn't mean that as a hint,
+but, since you _have ordered it_, I'll give you a toast--Here's--THE
+PROFESSIONAL SINGER!"
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.
+
+  [Greek: EIS TO LEIN PINEIN.]
+
+  Bards of old have sung the vine
+  Such a theme shall ne'er be mine;
+  Weaker strains to me belong,
+  Pæans sung to thee, Souchong!
+  What though I may never sip
+  Rubies from my tea-cup's lip;
+  Do not milky pearls combine
+  In this steaming cup of mine?
+  What though round my youthful brow
+  I ne'er twine the myrtle's bough?
+  For such wreaths my soul ne'er grieves.
+  Whilst I own my Twankay's leaves.
+  Though for me no altar burns,
+  Kettles boil and bubble--urns
+  In each fane, where I adore--
+  What should mortal ask for more!
+  I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,
+  Howqua shall my cup supply;
+  I'll ne'er ask for amphoræ,
+  Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.
+  Then, perchance, above my grave,
+  Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;
+  And some stately sugar-cane,
+  There may spring to life again:
+  Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,
+  To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES.
+
+KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG "TOBY."
+
+DEAR SIR,--I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel,
+thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master,
+for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my
+paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog in a nobleman's family. Lawk, sir!
+what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn
+author?
+
+I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with _dialect_--what a
+face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as
+hollow as the big drum, but warn't half so round and noisy. You can't have
+dwindled down to that, sure_ly_! I couldn't bear to see your hump and
+_pars pendula_ (that's dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and
+titivated out in msty-fusty toggery--I'm sure I couldn't! The very thought
+of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.
+
+I whined like any thing, calling to my missus--for you must know that I've
+married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. "Vixen," says I,
+"here's the poor old governor up at last--I knew that Police Act would
+drive him to something desperate."
+
+"Why he hasn't hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest!"
+exclaimed Mrs. T.
+
+"Worse nor that," says I; "he's turned author, and in course is stewed up
+in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year,
+when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the
+police don't want nothing to do to warm 'em, and consequentially sees no
+harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It's very hawful."
+
+Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I know'd she'd
+something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her.
+"Toby," says she, "go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort
+him to larrup you a little."
+
+"Very well," says I, "I'll be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for
+supper, should any come out while I'm gone; and if you can get the puppies
+to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you." Saying
+which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
+coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a
+waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestra--he as could
+only play "Jim Crow" and the "Soldier Tired." Thinks I, I may as well pass
+the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach he
+was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was
+about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-horse. Whilst I
+was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the
+wehicle make the following remark:--
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_twisting his tail about like anything_)--Curse the
+flies!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--You may say that. I've had one fellow tickling me this
+half-hour.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually
+penetrates my vertebra.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Werterbee! What's that?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_impatiently_).--The spine, my friend (_whish!
+whish!_)
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it is a shameful thing to _dock_ us as they
+does. If the marrow in one's backbone should melt, it would be sartin to
+run out at the tip of one's tail. I say, how's your _feed?_
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Very indifferent--the chaff predominates--(_munch_)
+not _bene_ by any means.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied
+if they'd only make it _oaty_ now and then. How long have you been in
+the hackney line?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I have occupied my present degraded position about two
+years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever
+come to this.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it ain't very respectable, is it?--especially since
+the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?--you
+look as if you had been well brought up.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--My mama was own sister to _Lottery_, but
+unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the
+produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign
+Dashard.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Bless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve
+in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out I'd a splint, and
+wouldn't have me! I say, ain't that stout woman with a fat family looking
+at us?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I'm afraid she is. People of her grade in society are
+always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or
+Mutton-hill, or a _hill_ somewhere.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--She's ahailing us! I wonder whether she's narvous? I'll
+let out with my hind leg a bit--(_kick_)--O Lord! the rheumatiz!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pray don't. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a
+thoroughbred.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven't you just acknowledged
+that you were a cocktail? Thank God! she's moving on. Hallo! there's old
+Readypenny!--a willanous Tory.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I beg to remark that mine isn't. I sarved Readypenny
+out at Westminster 'lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to
+the poll, and I wouldn't draw an inch. I warn't agoing to take up a
+plumper for Rous.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I declare the obese female returns.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach! Hallo! Coach!
+
+WATERMAN.--Here you is, ma'am. Kuck! kuck! kuck!--Come along!--(_Pulling
+the coach and horses_).
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will
+pull my head off.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.
+
+WATERMAN--Come up, you old brute!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Old brute! What evidence of a low mind!--[_The stout
+woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach_].
+
+COACH.--O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!--O law! Week! week!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Do you hear how the poor old thing's a sufferin'?--She
+must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay
+for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of
+Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch don't break--she has been crazy a long
+time.
+
+WATERMAN.--Snow-hill--opposite the Saracen's Head.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--I know'd it!
+
+COACHMAN.--Kuck! kuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may
+save us from flagellation.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, I'm pulling, ain't I?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I don't like to dispute your word;
+but--(_whack_)--Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--A _raw_ you mean. Who's not pulling now, I should
+like to know!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I couldn't help hopping then; you know what a
+_grease_ I have in my hind leg.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, haven't I a splint and a corn, and ain't one of my
+fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?
+
+WOMAN.--Stop! stop!
+
+COACHMAN.--Whoo up!--d--n you!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--There goes my last masticator!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I'm blow'd if he hasn't jerked my head so that he's
+given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we
+shall save the hill.
+
+WOMAN.--Three doors higher up.
+
+COACHMAN.--Chuck! chuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+COACHMAN.--Come up, you varmint!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O
+Pegasus! what shall I come to next!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was
+obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking
+me by the scruff of my neck if I ain't pretty regular in my hours.
+
+Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose services
+we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the enlightened manager
+of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to advance the interest of the
+drama is only equalled by his ignorance of the means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself
+entirely to _stews_.
+
+Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two
+Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which
+delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next.
+
+Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
+consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the
+_premiership_?
+
+Mr. Moreton Dyer, "_the amateur turner_," has been a frequent visitor
+at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving
+lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always
+considered his lordship a Talleyrand in _turning_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION.
+
+(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A "NOTED" TAILOR'S BILL.)
+
+  By winter's chill the fragrant flower is nipp'd,
+    To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;
+  The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp'd,
+    A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;
+
+  The aërial songster moults his plumerie,
+    To vie in sleekness with each feather'd brother:
+  A twelvemonth's wear hath ta'en thy nap from thee,
+    My seedy coat!--When shall I get another?
+
+NOTE.--Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid,
+to PUNCH'S office.
+
+P.S.--None need apply who _refuse_ three years' acceptances. If the
+bills be made _renewable_, by agreement, "continuations" will be
+taken in any quantity.--FITZROY FIPS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STREET POLITICS.
+
+A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER.
+
+
+(_Enter_ PUNCH.)
+
+PUNCH.--R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?
+
+(_Sings._)
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time I turn about,
+    I jump Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.
+
+PUNCH.--Yes, yes; I've been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to
+the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have
+done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. I'm
+an M.P. now.
+
+MANAGER.--An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Fact, upon my honour. I'm at this moment an unit in the collective
+stupidity of the nation.
+
+DOG TOBY.--R-r-r-r-r-r--wough--wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a
+legislator before, that he barks at me so?
+
+MANAGER.--A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho!
+ho! ho!
+
+PUNCH.--My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally
+used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more
+blockheads than mine in St. Stephen's, I can tell you. And as for oratory,
+why I flatter my whiskers I'll astonish them in that line.
+
+MANAGER.--But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--I'd have you know, sir, I'm above having any principles but those
+that put money in my pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--I mean on what interest did you start?
+
+PUNCH.--On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble
+feeling that a public man can entertain.
+
+MANAGER.--Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as
+a Whig or a Tory?
+
+PUNCH.--As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry,
+beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were
+always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.
+
+PUNCH.--So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported
+themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I
+turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the
+opposition 'bus.
+
+MANAGER.---But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--Where every politician's is, sir--in my breeches' pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--And your consistency, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--What a green chap you are, after all. A public man's consistency!
+It's only a popular delusion, sir. I'll tell you what's consistency, sir.
+When one gentleman's _in_ and won't come _out_, and when another
+gentleman's _out_ and can't get _in_, and when both gentlemen
+persevere in their determination--that's consistency.
+
+MANAGER.--I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public
+man to----
+
+PUNCH.--(_sings_)--
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time he turn about,
+    He jumps Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not
+very flattering?
+
+PUNCH.--'Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green
+and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they haven't a chance. The
+election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts
+them--Ireland fails them--Scotland alone sticks with national attachment
+to their backs, like a--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Of course, then, the Tories will take office--?
+
+PUNCH.--I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their
+chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs
+were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not
+growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they
+were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the
+decay of our ancient and venerable constitution--? And have they not
+promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would--Send
+round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories
+mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?
+
+PUNCH.--No, but they'll give them cheap drink. They'll throw open the
+Thames for the use of the temperance societies.
+
+MANAGER.--But if we don't have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed,
+our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.
+
+PUNCH.--There you're wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and,
+though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full.
+
+MANAGER.--That's all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a
+_leetle_ if you starve them.
+
+PUNCH.--Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being
+grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!--I've studied political
+economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. They've got a fine plan
+in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
+homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
+infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs
+that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany.
+Oh! 'tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mind--Send round the
+hat.
+
+MANAGER.--What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--It means--when a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide
+his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he
+may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same
+difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into
+his supper.
+
+MANAGER.--But if the man has got no supper?
+
+PUNCH.--Then let him wish he may get it.
+
+MANAGER.--Oh! that's your sliding scale?
+
+PUNCH.--Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of
+victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable
+to free trade?
+
+PUNCH.--Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions
+that mean nothing but free plunder. I'll illustrate my position. I'm a boy
+in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my
+form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling
+in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a
+bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of
+course, knocks up my trade.
+
+MANAGER.--But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.
+
+PUNCH.--D--n the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. I'm
+for centralization--and individualization--every man for himself, and
+PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my
+form, and see how I'll cobb him. So now--send round the hat--and three
+cheers for
+
+PUNCH'S POLITICS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.
+
+No. 1.
+
+
+  O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger,
+    Why this lonely path you seek;
+  Every step is fraught with danger
+    Unto one so fair and meek.
+  Where are they that _should_ protect thee
+    In this darkling hour of doubt?
+  Love _could_ never thus neglect thee!--
+    _Does your mother know you're out?_
+
+  Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?
+    Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!
+  Sure thine heart is overladen,
+    When each breath is fraught with sighs.
+  Say, hath care life's heaven clouded,
+    Which hope's stars were wont to spangle?
+  What hath all thy gladness shrouded?--
+    _Has your mother sold her mangle?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE.
+
+We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W----, that, for the
+convenience of the public, he has put down one of his carriages, and given
+orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the construction of an easy and elegant
+_stretcher._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    CANVASSING. What a love of a child
+    THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy
+    THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals
+    THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg
+    THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists in general,
+that should the violent cold with which he has been from time immemorial
+afflicted, and which, although it has caused his voice to appear like an
+infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and thistles, yet has not
+very materially affected him otherwise--should it not deprive him of
+existence--please Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every
+exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further,
+that he will most unequivocally be down with his _coup de baton_ upon
+every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.
+
+That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters are
+generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance: should
+the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCH'S portrait
+in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the purest
+production of the general mourning school--and all performed by
+scissars--to the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal
+Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real
+carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH
+would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
+landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for PUNCH--none
+of your insinuating cabinet gems--no Art-_ful_ Union system of doing
+things--Hopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for
+another--and as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen
+corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to
+screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little
+affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in front of
+his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to prove that
+PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism, he has
+prepared the following description of the private view of either the Royal
+Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British Institution, for
+1842, for the lovers of this very light style of reading; and to make it
+as truly applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection
+or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner
+practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be
+exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what strict
+attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an intimate
+knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to displays, and with
+what consummate skill he blends those peculiarities, the reader will have
+the kindness to attach the criticism to either of the works (hereunder
+catalogued) most agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that
+this is a thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft
+anointment.
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY:
+
+  Portrait of the miscreant who          \
+  attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath.  |
+                    VALENTINE VERMILION.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of His Majesty the             | The head is extremely
+  King of Hanover.                        | well painted, and the light
+                            BY THE SAME.  | and shade distributed with
+                                          | the artist's usual judgement.
+  Portrait of the boy who got into        |
+  Buckingham Palace.                      |
+                        GEOFFERY GLAZEM.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord John Russell.          |
+                            BY THE SAME.  | An admirable likeness of
+                                          \ the original, and executed
+  Portrait of W. Grumbletone, Esq.,       / with that breadth and clearness
+  in the character of Joseph Surface.     | so apparent in this clever
+                          PETER PALETTE.  | painter's works.
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Sir Robert Peel.            |
+                            BY THE SAME.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of the Empress of Russia.      |
+                          VANDYKE BROWN.  | A well-drawn and brilliantly
+                                          | painted portrait, calculated
+  Portrait of the infant Princess.        | to sustain the fame already
+                            BY THE SAME.  | gained by this our favourite
+                                          | painter.
+  Portrait of Mary Mumblegums,            |
+  aged 170 years.                         |
+                            BY THE SAME. /
+
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:
+
+  The Death of Abel.                     \
+                        MICHAEL McGUELP.  |
+                                          |
+  Dead Game.                              |
+                    THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL.  |
+                                          |
+  Vesuvius in Eruption.                   | This picture is well arranged,
+                   CHARLES CARMINE, R.A.  | and coloured with much truth
+                                          | to nature; the chiaro-scuro
+  Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child.      | is admirably managed.
+                              R.W. BUSS.  |
+                                          |
+  Cattle returning from the Watering      |       OR THUS:
+  Place.                                  \
+                             R. BOLLOCK.  /
+                                          | This is one of the cleverest
+  "We won't go home till Morning."        | productions in the Exhibition;
+                    M. WATERFORD, R.H.S.  | there is a transparency in the
+                                          | shadows equal to Rembrandt.
+  The infant Cupid sleeping.              |
+                                R. DADD.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord Palmerston.            |
+                           A.L.L. UPTON.  |
+                                          |
+  Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look      |
+  out.                                    |
+                              H. PARKER.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P.          |
+                                J. WOOD.  |
+                                         /
+
+Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a little too
+oily, they can easily add such a tag as the following:--"In our humble
+judgment, a little more delicacy of handling would not be altogether out
+of place;" or, "Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we
+recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing
+previous productions by the same."
+
+
+FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED:
+
+This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see the vigour
+of handling and smartness of conception formerly apparent in his works:
+or, "A little stricter attention to drawing, as well as composition, would
+render this artist's works more recommendatory."
+
+
+THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED:
+
+Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately: "A perfect daub,
+possessing not one single quality necessary to create even the slightest
+interest--a disgrace to the Exhibition--who allowed such a wretched
+production to disgrace these walls?--woefully out of drawing, and as badly
+coloured," and such like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS.
+
+BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE.
+
+  Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,
+  For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost everywhere;
+  And the blazing red of my beadle's coat is turning to pink through fear,
+  Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the
+          end of the year.
+  I've done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico
+  Of Somerset House, that I don't know what I should do if I was for to go!
+  What the electors are at, I can't make out, upon my soul,
+  For it's a law of natur' that the _whig_ should be atop of
+          the _poll_.
+  I've had a snug berth of it here for some time, and don't want to cut
+          the connexion;
+  But they _do_ say the Whigs must go out, because they've NO OTHER
+          ELECTION;
+  What they mean by that, I _don't_ know, for ain't they been
+          electioneering--
+  That is, they've been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and
+          ginning, and beering.
+  Hasn't Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John
+          Russell,
+  For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming
+          _bussel_?
+  Ain't the two _first_ retired into private life--(that's the genteel
+          for being rejected)?
+  And what's more, the _last_ four, strange to say, have all been elected.
+  Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his
+          coat collar,
+  Hav'n't they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them
+          _Hollar_?
+  Then at Lambeth, ain't Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on 'em
+          bottled
+  By Mr. D'Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled!
+  And hasn't Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier,
+  Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap queer?
+  Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a _Cleave_-r for Marrowbone
+          looks cranky,
+  Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out "_No Sankee?_"
+  Then South'ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood,
+  Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his duty--he
+          would!
+  Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find
+          that they're in the wrong box,
+  For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed
+          the Fox;
+  Whilst Westminster's chosen Rous--not Rouse of the Eagle--tho' I once
+          seed a
+  Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a _goose_, along
+          with a Leda.
+  And hasn't Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A'Court been down to Tamworth to be
+          reseated?
+  They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for
+          its always--ditto repeated.
+  Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
+          considerable fume,
+  Who finds it no go, though he's added up the poll-books several times
+          with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.
+  So if there's been _no other election_, I should like to find out
+  What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding,
+          losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other _et
+          cetera_, has been about!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE.
+
+  Black bottles at Brighton,
+    To darken your fame;
+  Black Sundays at Hounslow,
+    To add to your shame.
+  Black balls at the club,
+    Show Lord Hill's growing duller:
+  He should change your command
+    To the _guards_ of that colour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+English--it has been remarked a thousand and odd times--is one of the few
+languages which is unaccompanied with gesticulation. Your veritable
+Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary as your genuine Frenchman is
+prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an oracle, the other like a
+telegraph.
+
+Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his
+hands fast locked in his breeches' pocket, and his features as calm as a
+horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the _debut_ of the new _danseuse_, with
+several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left
+side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two
+shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.
+
+The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency
+of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which
+is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps,
+objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and
+consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a wicked
+waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of
+Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in
+pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much money
+in the dirt--a crime which he regards as second in depravity only to that
+of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we were a nation
+of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather than diminished,
+our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole standard of
+excellence. We measure a man's respectability by his banker's account, and
+mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very nobility
+is a nobility of the breeches' pocket; and the highest personage in the
+realm--her most gracious Majesty--the most gracious Majesty of
+500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial
+people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage
+should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like
+ourselves, it is equally natural that a man's worthiness should be
+computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this commercial spirit, which,
+for the reason before assigned, is opposed to the introduction of
+pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this spirit that we would
+appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency which we cannot but look
+upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a
+cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all
+our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for
+the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is
+coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their appearance
+amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly confined to that
+class upon whose manners politeness places little or no
+restraint--barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as the book of
+etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very reason, such a change
+would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet do we trust, by pointing
+out to the more refined portion of the "British public," the advantage
+that must necessarily accrue from the general cultivation of the art of
+pantomime, by proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively
+tedious operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a
+far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of time, and
+that with a saving of one-half the muscular exertion--a point so perfectly
+consonant with the present prevailing desire for cheap and rapid
+communication--that we say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher
+classes to look upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of
+expression, but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the
+most polite and useful of all accomplishments.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all their
+comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in the first
+place, say a few words on language in general.
+
+It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among
+men--the written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature
+of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of
+conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses or
+modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses
+and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the
+gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and
+literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language, may be
+cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince's Mixture to a stranger, or a
+bottle of "Bouquet du Roi" to a fair acquaintance; both of which are but
+forms of expressing to them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an
+organ but little cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it
+is, therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that
+which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to be
+imbibed with our mother's milk. What words can speak affection to the
+child like elecampane--what language assures us of the remembrance of an
+absent friend like a brace of wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the
+eloquence of dinners? A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these
+to all guests the very emblems of esteem--and turtle, venison, and
+champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a
+particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration of the
+genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as
+in a public dinner? or if a candidate be anxious to convince the "free and
+independent electors" of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for
+the commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the
+general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and
+last species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All
+understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caresses--between
+being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who,
+however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what fair
+maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to
+construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender
+pressure of her toe under the dinner table?
+
+Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man.
+There is, however, one other--that which forms the subject of the present
+article--Pantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of the
+visible language--literature being taken as the artificial. This is the
+most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the earliest,
+as it is the most intuitive--the smiles and frowns of the mother being the
+first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we consider for a moment
+that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin,
+changing to-day into yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age,
+and life into death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets
+of the scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art
+which constitutes the very essence of existence itself. "Speech," says
+Talleyrand, that profound political pantomimist, "was given to
+_conceal_ our thoughts;" and truly this is the chief use to which it
+is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words. Let
+but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand desideratum must
+be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates, instead of being able, as
+now, to become legislators by simply professing to be patriots, will be
+placed in the awkward predicament of having first to _act_ as such;
+and that the clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the
+mere preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a
+portion to charitable purposes, and _practise_ it.
+
+Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages of
+this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of becoming
+the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of ultimately
+finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the beautiful Miss B., by
+gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that
+doubt and incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of "Love's
+young dream," by a gentle indication with the dexter hand over the
+sinister shoulder.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN.
+
+An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen's Bench against Mr.
+Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a person named Clark, in
+wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other refreshments, during a contest for
+the representation of the borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who
+it appears was chairman of Mr. Walter's committee, swore that _every
+thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him._ By a
+remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this tippling
+case was _Mr. Lush._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ODE.
+
+PICKED UP IN KILLPACK'S DIVAN.
+
+Cum notis variorum.
+
+"Excise Court.--An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling
+spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that
+there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was
+treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members, and
+that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined £5 in
+each case."--_Observer_
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: Best British Brandy not Permitted]
+
+          INVOCATION.
+
+  Assist, ye jocal nine[1], inspire my soul!
+  (Waiter! a go of Brett's best alcohol,
+  A light, and one of Killpack's mild Havannahs).
+  Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas
+  I sing of what we were--of what we _now_ are.
+      Wildly let me rave,
+      To imprecate the knave
+  Whose curious _information_ turned our porter sour,
+  Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)
+        Brown,
+        Down
+  Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;
+  Changing, despite our _belle esprit_, at one fell _swop_,
+  Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!
+
+          ODE.
+
+      Then little Bob arose,
+      And doff'd his clothes,
+  Exclaiming, "Momus! Stuff!
+  I've played him long enough,"
+  And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,
+  Behold me ready _dressed_ to play young Bacchus.
+    He said[2] his legs the barrel span,
+    And thus the Covent Garden god began;--
+  "GENTLEMEN,--I am--ahem--!--I beg your pardon,
+  But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden--
+  No, I don't mean that, I mean to say,
+  That if we were--ahem!--to pay
+  So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of 'Hear!']
+  Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;
+  In short, _small_ duty pay on all we sup--
+  Ahem!--you understand--I give it up."
+      The speech was ended,
+      And Bob descended.
+  The club was formed. A spicy club it was--
+  Especially on Saturdays; because
+  They dined extr'ordinary cheap at five o'clock:
+  When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.
+  Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers--
+  Odd fellows all--_odder_ than all their club compeers.
+  Some were sub-editors, others reporters,
+  And more _illuminati_, joke-importers.
+      The club was heterogen'ous
+      By strangers seen as
+  A refuge for destitute _bons mots_--
+  _Dépôt_ for leaden jokes and pewter pots;
+  Repertory for gin and _jeux d'esprit_,
+  Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;
+  Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;
+  Gall'ry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;[3]
+  Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;
+  In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!
+  *             *             *             *
+  Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,
+      Hear me while I say
+      "_Donnez-moi du frenzy, s'il vous plait!_"[4]
+  Give me a most tremendous fit
+  Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,
+      Or deep anathema,
+      Fatal as J--d's bah!
+  To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.
+  May genial gin no more delight _their_ throttles--
+  _Their_ casks grow leaky, bottomless _their_ bottles;
+  May smugglers _run_, and they ne'er make a seizure;
+  May _they_--I'll curse them further at my leisure.
+      But for our club,
+      "Ay, there's the rub."
+  "We mourn it dead in its father's halls:"[5]--
+  The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;
+      No stuffing there,
+      Not even in a chair;
+  The spirits are all _ex_(or)_cised_,
+  The coffee-cups capsized,
+  The coffee _fine_-d, the snuff all taken,
+  The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:
+  The utter ruin of the club's achieven--
+  Our very chess-boards are ex-_chequered_ even.
+  "Where is our club?" X--sighs,[6] and with a stare
+  Like to another echo, answers "Where?"
+
+    [1] "Ye jocal nine," a happy modification of "Ye vocal nine."
+        The nine here so classically invocated are manifestly nine
+        of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1. Mr. D--s
+        J--d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer and
+        store-keeper. 3. Mr. G--e S--h, sub-ed. J---- B----. 4. Mr.
+        B--d, Mem. Dram. Author's Society. 5. C--s S--y, ditto. 6.
+        Mr. C--e. 7. Mr. C--s, T--s, late of the firm of T--s and
+        P--t. 8. Mr. J--e A--n, Mem. Soc. British Artists. 9, and
+        lastly, "though not least," the author of "You loved me not
+        in happier days."
+
+    [2] "He said."--Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished
+        of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some
+        passages an imitation of it which might be considered
+        pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The
+        literal rendering of the '_dixit_' of the ancient epicists,
+        strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.--PUNCH.
+
+    [3] A play-bill reminiscence, viz. "The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins
+        and Pitt."--THE AUTHORS OF "BUT, HOWEVER."
+
+    [4] "Donnez-moi," &c.--The classics of all countries are aptly
+        drawn upon by the universal erudition of our bard. A fine
+        parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel's starving
+        author: "La Gloire--donnez-moi do pain!"--FENWICK DE
+        PORQUET.
+
+    [5] "They mourn it dead," &c.--A pretty, but perhaps too literal
+        allusion to a popular song--J. RODWELL.
+
+    [6] "X--sighs."--Who "X" may happen to be we have not the remotest
+        idea. But who would not forgive a little mystification for
+        so brilliant a pun?--THE GHOST OF PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. HUME.
+
+We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from his
+parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the neighbourhood
+of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members only, in the
+principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some measure his
+own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged in preparing a
+Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRIVATE."
+
+"In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended to confer
+the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It would be
+difficult to select an individual more _peculiarly_ fitted for the
+situation than his lordship, whose _love of letters_ is notorious in
+the Carlton Club."--_Extract from an Intercepted Letter._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party
+should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the
+Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former opponents. We have no
+doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel
+grateful for support from any quarter; but we much doubt the
+practicability of the measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see
+Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition
+engines, with their followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House
+of Commons. In our opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the
+result of these
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+The "star system" has added another victim to the many already sacrificed
+to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an actor whose personation of
+_Macduff_, the _Hunchback, Jaques_, &c., would have procured for
+him in former times no mean position, has been compelled to secede from
+the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the
+continual sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one
+to whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The part
+assigned to Mr. Phelps (_Friar Lawrence_) requires an actor of
+considerable powers, and under the old _régime_ would have
+deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps' position; but we can understand the
+motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the
+practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr.
+Phelps' opposition to this ruinous system of "starring" as commendable and
+manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the upholding of this
+system. The "stars" are paid so enormously, and cost so much to maintain
+them in their false position, that the manager cannot afford (supposing
+the disposition to exist) to pay the working portion of his company
+salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or compatible with the
+appearance they are expected to maintain out of the theatre; whilst
+opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of improving any
+favourable impression they may have made upon the public, is denied to
+them, from the fear that the influence of the greater, because more
+fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are now so well
+known, that men of education are deterred from making the stage a
+profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to
+this cause.
+
+The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable to
+this absurd and destructive system. The "star" must be considered alone in
+the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to
+measure, the actor, _par excellence_, must be the arbiter of the
+author's creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in
+the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of
+this individual display, its rejection by the "star" would render the
+labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of
+fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying
+labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the
+pecuniary monopoly of the "star."
+
+It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the
+stage. The public had formerly _many_ favourites, because all had an
+opportunity of contending for their favour--now they have only Mr. A. or
+Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it
+may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually
+sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
+charm of the melody.
+
+We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We
+quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious to
+an art which we reverence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VAUXHALL.--Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!--Elysium
+of illumination lamps!--Paradise of Simpson!--we have been permitted once
+again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast
+of impalpable ham and invisible chicken--to join in the eruption of
+exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories--to swallow thy mysterious arrack
+and
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.]
+
+We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his
+six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head--we have roved again amid
+those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago,
+
+  "We met the daylight after seven hours' sitting."
+
+But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not
+Vauxhall: the G R's were V R's--the cocked hats were round hats--the
+fiddlers were foreigners--the Rotunda was Astley's--the night was
+moon-shiny--and there was not--our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
+fact--there was not "Simpson" to exclaim, "Welcome to the royal property!"
+Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou
+doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge
+of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name
+immortal--Peace to thy manes!
+
+STRAND.--The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have
+produced another mythological drama, called "The Frolics of the Fairies;
+or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle," from the pen of Leman Rede, who is,
+without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of
+Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this
+piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it
+arose from the _indisposition_ of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same
+hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and "a gem of the
+first water" she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be
+useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends
+more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success.
+It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest of--dare we call her
+mere woman?--little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle
+of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage
+reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can
+labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the
+production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve
+the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little
+Temple of Momus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord
+Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrow's
+late establishment; but whether the _peds_ are _bi_ or _quadru_,
+rumour sayeth not.
+
+
+A CARD.
+
+MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in
+general, that they supply _dénouements_ to unfinished stories, on the
+most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of
+catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.
+
+
+FOR MELO-DRAMA.
+
+Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.
+
+Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.
+
+Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of
+virtue.
+
+
+FOR FARCES.
+
+Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c.
+
+
+FOR COMEDIES.
+
+Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune.
+
+Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.
+
+Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter.
+
+Ditto, ditto, very fine, "with convenient cordial," and true gentlemen,
+illustrated by an old _debauchee_.
+
+N.B.--On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides,
+strongly recommended for Surrey use.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WHY AND BECAUSE.
+
+
+    Young Kean's a bad cigar--because
+    The more he's puff'd, the worse he draws.
+
+A new farce, entitled "My Friend the Captain," is to be produced tonight,
+at the Haymarket Theatre.
+
+MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday
+next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actor's professional
+brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has
+always been ready to afford to others.
+
+TO MRS. H.
+
+  Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,
+  No wonder men run after thee;
+  There's something in a name, perhaps,
+  For _Honey's_ often good for _chaps_.
+
+A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very
+chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of
+Mr. Davidge's patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss
+Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that "music
+hath charms."
+
+We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous
+who was lately returned for Westminster.
+
+
+THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA.
+
+_Berthelda_.--Sanguine, you have killed your _mother_!!!
+
+_Fruitwoman_.--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
+
+(_Curtain falls_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.
+
+We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament
+for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very
+liberally distributed by Captain Rons's party, during the late contest:--
+
+1st. Because "he is _brother to the Earl_ of Stradbroke."
+
+2nd. Because "his _family_ have always been hearty Conservatives."
+
+3rd. Because "they have been established in _Suffolk_ from the time
+of the _Heptarchy_."
+
+4th. Because "he entered the navy in 1808."
+
+5th. Because "he _brought home Lord Aylmer_ in the Pique, in 1835."
+
+6th. Because "he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle."
+
+7th. Because "after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again."
+
+8th. Because "he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot,
+lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!"
+ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.--Q.E.D.
+
+
+THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.
+
+LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant
+member to "go the whole hog." This is natural advice from a _thorough
+bore_ like his lordship.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+1, July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13639 ***