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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13639 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 17, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MORAL OF PUNCH.
+
+As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your society, we
+think it right that you should know something of our character and
+intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have misled you into a
+belief that we have no other intention than the amusement of a thoughtless
+crowd, and the collection of pence. We have a higher object. Few of the
+admirers of our prototype, merry Master PUNCH, have looked upon his
+vagaries but as the practical outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth.
+We have considered him as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have,
+therefore, adopted him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant
+instruction. When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley,
+flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in time with
+his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the attention and
+admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver puppetry have passed
+before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their adornments of coloured and
+lustrous gems, have bound the brow of infamy as well as that of honour--a
+mockery to both; as though virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment
+of its own high purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the
+forgetfulness of its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded
+coaches have glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and
+shouts of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often,
+the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy frothiness of
+those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in the market-place, and
+found their reward in the sycophancy of a degraded constituency, or the
+patronage of a venal ministry--no matter of what creed, for party
+_must_ destroy patriotism.
+
+The noble in his robes and coronet--the beadle in his gaudy livery of
+scarlet, and purple, and gold--the dignitary in the fulness of his
+pomp--the demagogue in the triumph of his hollowness--these and other
+visual and oral cheats by which mankind are cajoled, have passed in review
+before us, conjured up by the magic wand of PUNCH.
+
+How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with the bell,
+besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of him! The moment
+that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to forget the existence of
+his annoyance, and, carolling the mellifluous numbers of _Jim Crow_,
+or some other strain of equal beauty, makes the most of the present,
+regardless of the past or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his
+persecutions, PUNCH boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the
+victor. All have a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few,
+the philosophy of PUNCH!
+
+We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies. PUNCH is (and
+we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in principle, and somewhat of
+a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at times harsh and ungentlemanly to
+Mrs. P.
+
+  "Eve of a land that still is Paradise,
+  Italian beauty!"
+
+But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too much to
+expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we repudiate such
+principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own, and a little
+Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties; but we fearlessly aver
+that we never threw him out of window, nor belaboured the lady with a
+stick--even of the size allowed by law.
+
+There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it always
+saddens us--we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is true, sings in
+durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling with the song. We are
+advocates for the _correction_ of offenders; but how many generous
+and kindly beings are there pining within the walls of a prison, whose
+only crimes are poverty and misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and
+appear jocund, but the _heart_ can ever hear the ring of the bars.
+
+We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling out his
+music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but we felt sickened
+with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our thought, the free
+minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into the blue caverns of the
+heavens, with the bird to whom the world was circumscribed. May the time
+soon arrive, when every prison shall be a palace of the mind--when we
+shall seek to instruct and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated
+education by example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has
+almost germinated into reason. Man _has_ reason, why not give him
+intelligence?
+
+We now come to the last great lesson of our motley teacher--the gallows!
+that accursed tree which has its _root_ in injuries. How clearly
+PUNCH exposes the fallacy of that dreadful law which authorises the
+destruction of life! PUNCH sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not?
+Where is the divine injunction against the shedder of man's blood to rest?
+None _can_ answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At other
+times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy the
+principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the good, and the
+gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is now a jest.
+
+We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry and wise--
+
+  "And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,
+  What, after all, are all things but a show!"--_Byron._
+
+As on the stage of PUNCH'S theatre, many characters appear to fill up the
+interstices of the more important story, so our pages will be interspersed
+with trifles that have no other object than the moment's approbation--an
+end which will never be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the
+evanescent smile of a harmless satire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable
+_hard-bake_ houses in the metropolis. The firm had been speculating
+considerably in "Prince Albert's Rock," and this is said to have been the
+rock they have ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest
+sufferers. One of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a
+deposit on some _tom-trot_, which the house had promised to supply on
+the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of other
+transactions of a similar character.
+
+Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece and some
+halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an individual, who, if he
+had only chosen to walk with it into the market, might have produced a
+very alarming effect on some minor description of securities. Cherries
+were taken very freely at twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a
+shade lower than yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of
+tallow all the week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown
+a still further gloom upon rushlights.
+
+The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match market
+into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem destined to undergo
+a still further depression. This state of things was rendered worse
+towards the close of the day, by a large holder of the last-named article
+unexpectedly throwing an immense quantity into the market, which went off
+rapidly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOMETHING WARLIKE.
+
+Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces, the usual
+mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that cannot be
+clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen scroll, on which is
+painted, in large letters, the sentence necessary to be known. It so
+happened that a number of these scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of
+the grand spectacles at Astley's Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other
+lumber in the property-room, until the late destructive fire which
+occurred there. On that night, the wife of one of the stage-assistants--a
+woman of portly dimensions--was aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire,
+and in her confusion, being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid
+hold of one of these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed
+into the street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive
+back view, with the words, "BOMBARD THE CITADEL," inscribed in legible
+characters upon her singular drapery.
+
+
+HUME'S TERMINOLOGY.
+
+Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he will never
+make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives. Indeed, he proposes
+to expunge the term from the English language, and to substitute that
+which is applied to, his own party. In writing to a friend, that "after
+the inflammatory character of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite
+supererogatory for me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory
+measures will be rendered nugatory," he thus expressed himself:--"After
+the inflamma_whig_ character of the ora_whig_ of the nominees of
+the Carlton Club, it is quite supereroga_whig_ for me to state (it
+being no_whig_ous) that all concilia_whig_ measures will be
+rendered nuga_whig_."
+
+
+NATIVE SWALLOWS.
+
+A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that there is an
+almost total absence of swallows this summer in England. Had the writer
+been present at some of the election dinners lately, he must have
+confessed that a greater number of active swallows has rarely been
+observed congregated in any one year.
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE TO "PUNCH."
+
+My dear PUNCH,--Seeing in the "Court Circular" of the Morning Herald an
+account of a General Goblet as one of the guests of her Majesty, I beg to
+state, that till I saw that announcement, I was not aware of any other
+_general gobble it_ than myself at the Palace.
+
+Yours, truly,    MELBOURN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A RAILROAD NOVEL
+
+DEAR PUNCH,--I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat in the
+Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young
+gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his
+travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the
+full regulation size, and with intense interest commence the first volume
+at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away
+started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a
+butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as
+we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as
+we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by
+Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury--I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking
+a pinch of snuff--lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and
+I had scarcely time to say, "God bless us," till I found we had reached
+Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my
+reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid journey,
+and to devise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as
+my fellow-traveller. "Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the
+age of steam? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow
+Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
+auction bill?" Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a
+novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be
+retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of
+speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in
+preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
+names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning
+home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had
+written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady
+or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
+through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train
+running from London to Birmingham.
+
+I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing
+possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads,
+tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at
+the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my
+invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I
+shall instantly apply for a patent.
+
+
+SPECIMEN.
+
+
+CLARE GREY:
+
+A NOVEL.
+
+
+"Brief let me be."
+
+LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.
+
+1841.
+
+
+VOL. I.
+
+Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops,
+&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom
+ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom,
+and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's
+schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas,
+crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper),
+slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom
+serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from
+garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love
+is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the
+calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom
+caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty
+mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--Seven pages of
+sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart--Pshaw!--Never mind--
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"]
+
+
+VOL. II.
+
+"Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death or
+glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy, eternal
+truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes her eyes in
+cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel
+fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash,
+dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot
+work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say
+die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one
+eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love, hope, and
+Clare Grey--
+
+[Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.]
+
+
+VOL. III.
+
+"Here we are!"--At home once more--Old friends and old faces--Must be
+changed--Nobody knows him--Church bells ringing--Inquire
+cause--(?)--Wedding--Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker--Brain
+whirls--Eyes start from sockets--Devils and hell--Clare Grey, the fond,
+constant, Clare, a jilt?--Can't be--No go--Stump up to church--Too
+true--Clare just made Mrs. Snooks--Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!--Tom's
+crutch at work--Snooks floored--Bridesman settled--Parson bolts--Clerk
+mizzles--Salts and shrieks--Clare in a swoon--Pa' in a funk--Tragedy
+speech--Love! vengeance! and damnation!--Half an ounce of laudanum--Quick
+speech--Tom unshackles his wooden pin--Dies like a hero--Clare pines in
+secret--Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin--Poor Tom and
+Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath
+
+[Illustration:  "A WEEPING WILL-OH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.
+
+We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which
+we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:--
+
+MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
+
+Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for
+the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure
+Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short
+and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin
+two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
+
+COPY.
+
+"The following is a specimen of my punning _before_ taking six
+lessons of Mr. T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain _cold_ with which
+children are affected?
+
+"A. Because it's _a new pink off_ (an hooping-cough).
+
+"This is a specimen of my punning _after_ taking six lessons of Mr.
+T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an
+injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
+
+"A. Because the one is _for-getting_ and the other
+_for-giving_."
+
+N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will
+find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service.
+
+Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be
+suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
+also a few second-hand _bon mots_ which he can offer a bargain.
+
+*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF "CANT."
+
+There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it
+being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is
+necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be
+brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what
+are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this
+means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the
+different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most
+advantageously place himself.
+
+It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in
+this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to
+bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain
+sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public
+education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical
+though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious
+Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its
+turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself
+so ancient and beautiful a practice.
+
+VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS
+
+1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered,
+  1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
+    1. He that voteth for dead men.
+    2. He that voteth for empty tenements.
+    3. He that voteth for many men.
+    4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.
+  2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
+    1. Because he hath a bet that he will vote.
+    2. Because he loveth a lark.
+    3. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
+       [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
+        BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]
+
+2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is upset by a bribed coachman.
+    2. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put
+        into the cage.
+    3. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way.
+    4. He who is hocussed.
+    5. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like.
+  2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.
+    2. He who has not been solicited.
+    3. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.
+    4. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.
+    5. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.
+    6. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late,
+        and the like.
+
+3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
+          1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
+            1. He that pretendeth the money is due to him.
+            2. He that pretendeth it is lent.
+            3. He who receiveth it as alms.
+            4. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated
+                tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like.
+          2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
+            1. He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in
+                Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.
+            2. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter,
+                curate, and the like.
+            3. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary
+                to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey,
+                chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like.
+          3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
+            1. He that voteth for Walker's Gooseberry, or Elector's
+                Sparkling Champagne.
+            2. For sloe-juice, or Elector's fine old crusted Port.
+            3. He who voteth for Brett's British Brandy, or Elector's
+                real French Cognac.
+            4. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, _coculus
+                Indicus_, Spanish juice, or Elector's Extra Double Stout.
+        2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
+          1. He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers,
+              or the like.
+          2. He who getteth a contract, for paupers' clothing, building
+              unions, and the like.
+          3. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent
+              40s. freeholders.
+          4. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes,
+              haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork,
+              pine-apples, early peas, and the like.
+      2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
+        1. By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice
+            to quit.
+        2. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot
+            be trusted.
+        3. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite
+            opinion in his employ.
+        4. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.
+        5. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and
+            Gretna Green.
+        6. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth
+            him be d--d.
+      3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
+        1. He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him
+            a place.
+        2. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.
+        3. He who voteth to get into genteel society.
+        4. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.
+        5. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a
+            large family.
+        6. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.
+    2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into
+          1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as
+            1. He who believeth taxes will be taken off.
+            2. He who believeth wages will be raised.
+            3. He who thinketh trade will be increased.
+            4. He who studieth political economy.
+            5. He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and
+                listeneth to lectures, and the like.
+          2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as
+            1. He who voteth to support "the glorious Constitution," and
+                maintain "the envy of surrounding nations."
+            2. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
+                revenue.
+            3. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings,
+                and the like.
+        2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in
+              together.
+          2. He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots.
+          3. That the Tories love the poor.
+          4. That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his
+              country.
+          5. That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the like.
+        3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate's ribbons suit his wife's
+              complexion.
+          2. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
+              canvasser.
+          3. Because his wife had the candidate's carriage to make calls
+              in, and the like.
+          4. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince
+              Albert Quadrilles.
+          5. Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last
+              infant, and the like.
+      2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into
+        1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as
+          1. He who voteth on one side because his father always voted
+              on the same.
+          2. Because the "Wrong-heads" and the like had always sat for
+              the county.
+          3. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such
+              as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must
+              maintain his principle.
+          4. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
+              the like.
+        2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds.
+          2. Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name
+              as the opposite candidate.
+          3. Because the candidate is of a noble family.
+          4. Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel,
+              and the like.
+          5. Because he knoweth the candidate's cousin.
+          6. Because the candidate directed to him--"Esq."
+        3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be
+              considered as
+          1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as
+            1. He that voteth on both sides.
+            2. Because he tossed up with himself.
+            3. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who
+                hath most votes.
+            4. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the
+                other, to show that he is not influenced.
+            5. Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the
+                popular candidate.
+          2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as
+            1. He who cannot be trusted.
+            2. He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the other.
+            3. He who is not worth bribing.
+            4. He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter
+                was not answered.
+            5. He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived,
+                and the like.
+  2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe.
+      2. He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray.
+      3. He who is confused and giveth the wrong name.
+      4. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested.
+      5. He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates,
+          and the like.
+    2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so
+          incensed into voting the opposite way.
+      2. He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so
+          outraged into honesty.
+      3. He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and
+          so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate.
+      4. He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being
+          enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.
+      5. He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who
+          keepeth a carriage and the like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER
+
+
+Have any of PUNCH'S readers ever met one of the above _genus_--or
+rather, have they not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most
+persevering _hic et ubique_ powers. Like the old mole, these
+Truepennies "work i' th' dark:" at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole,
+the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian,
+Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological
+Saloons, they "most do congregate." Once set your eyes upon them, once
+become acquainted with their habits and manners, and then mistake them if
+you can. They are themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket
+jockeys, the peripatetic venders, or buyers of "old clo'," or the Albert
+continuations at _one pound one_, they appear to be _made to
+measure for the same_. We must now describe them (to speak
+theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new
+dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer,
+i.e. neither one nor the other ever _were entirely new_, and never
+will be allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these
+worthies is generally _very_ blue or _very_ brown; the cut
+whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at what
+precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on the
+probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that alone could
+to long have kept them from Time's remorseless maw. The collars are always
+velvet, and always greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the
+seams, the stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to
+believe they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose
+labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
+buttons!--oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They,
+indeed, are the aristocracy--the yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars
+of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coat--they are
+_on it_, and that's all--they have no further communion--they decline
+the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their living--they
+announce themselves as "the last new fashion"--they sparkle for a week,
+retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years
+after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine
+splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
+accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a
+material known only to themselves--a sort of nightmare illusion of velvet,
+covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously picked out and
+guarded with a nondescript collection of the very greenest green pellets
+of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment)
+describe the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two
+rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent), commencing,
+to all appearance, at the _small of the back_, and reaching down even
+to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a double-breasted one, made
+upon the good old dining-out principle of leaving plenty of room in the
+victualling department. To complete the catalogue of raiment, the
+untalkaboutables have so little right to the name of drab, that it would
+cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more
+exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the
+portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes
+of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that description
+of mud-markers known in the purlieus of Liecester-square, and at
+all denominations of "boots"--great, little, red, and yellow--as
+eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are strapped
+down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in extreme doubt
+whether the Prussian hero of that name is their legitimate sponsor, or the
+glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured
+that (as there never was a _pair_ of either of the illustrious
+heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency, invariably
+perambulate in _one of each_. We scarcely know whether it be so or
+not--we merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the _two
+Bluchers_, _because_ of the _eight-and-six_. The only
+additional expense likely to add any emolument to the _tanner's_
+interest (we mean no pun) is the immense extent of sixpenny straps
+generally worn. These are described by a friend of ours as belonging to
+the great class of _coaxers_; and their exertions in bringing (as a
+nautical man would say) the trowsers _to bear_ at all, is worthy of
+notice. There is a legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from
+one of the fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty's
+theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of
+the affair being the close approximation of some of his principal foreign
+words to "Tol de rol," and "Fal the ral ra"), in which it was asserted,
+that from a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the
+body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity.
+In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully
+nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish
+to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the _genus_ in
+_black_ and _white_, we may as well state at once, _those_
+are the colours generally casing the throats from whence their sweet
+sounds issue; these _ties_ are garnished with union pins, whose
+strong _mosaic tendency_ would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had
+they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of the
+Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing world,
+amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an _auto-da-fe_.
+
+It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his
+head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying
+pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands,
+though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of
+French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about
+as much in proportion to _the box_ as _eighteen insides_ are to
+a small tax-cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved
+inscription purports) given by "several gentlemen" (who are,
+unfortunately, in these instances, always anonymous--which circumstance,
+as they are invariably described as "admirers of talent," is much to be
+regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the
+immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at four o'clock of the
+morning, with a bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is,
+they are universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of
+obesity.
+
+The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased, and
+the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no professional
+singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and found a failure.
+Its uses are remarkable and various: like the "death's-head and
+cross-bones" of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of the
+conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our mind's eye
+one of the species even now--we see him coquetting with the fork,
+compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be
+called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the
+proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
+performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the
+right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet
+double-breaster--we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they
+fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the
+smoke-embued apartment--we perceive the extension of the dexter hand
+employed in innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of
+an orange, whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a
+watch-guard, _if_ the professional singer _had a watch_. We hear
+the three distinct hems--oblivion for a moment seizes us--the glasses
+jingle--two auctioneers' hammers astonish the mahogany--several dirty
+hands are brought in violent and noisy contact--we are near a friend of
+the vocalist--our glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties
+itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic
+performances of the said zealous friend--and with an exclamation that,
+were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
+singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half
+lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the "creature comfort"
+with infinite satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that fat
+man). "A glee, gents!--a glee!"--Ah! there they are--three coats--three
+collars--Heaven knows how many buttons!--three bald heads, three stout
+stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and
+conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux."--What is
+the subject?
+
+  "_Hail_ smi_lig_ _b_orn."
+
+That's a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing
+_ensemble_ is totally exploded by these gentry--each professional
+singer, as a professional singer, sings his very loudest, in _justice to
+himself_; if his brethren want physical power, that's no fault of
+_his_, _he don't_. Professional singers indulge in small
+portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements is, "Non
+nobis," &c. &c.; that is, they consider they ought to know the airs. The
+words are generally delivered as follows:--_Don--dobis--do--by--de_.
+A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this line.
+
+In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention,
+they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more
+Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the same--sit anywhere,
+just to accommodate--eat everything, to prove they have no squeamish
+partialities--know to a toothful what a bottom of brandy _should
+be_--the exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most
+likely victim to _drop upon_ for any further nourishment they may
+require. Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by
+the important information that "Harry Phillips knows what he's
+about"--"Weber was up to a thing or two." A _baritone_ ain't the sort
+of thing for tenor music: and when _they_ sung with some man (nobody
+ever heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn't mind--"A
+cigar?" "Thank you, sir!--seldom smoke--put it in my
+pocket--(_aside_) that makes a dozen! Your good health, sir!--don't
+dislike cold, though I generally take it warm--didn't mean that as a hint,
+but, since you _have ordered it_, I'll give you a toast--Here's--THE
+PROFESSIONAL SINGER!"
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.
+
+  [Greek: EIS TO LEIN PINEIN.]
+
+  Bards of old have sung the vine
+  Such a theme shall ne'er be mine;
+  Weaker strains to me belong,
+  Pæans sung to thee, Souchong!
+  What though I may never sip
+  Rubies from my tea-cup's lip;
+  Do not milky pearls combine
+  In this steaming cup of mine?
+  What though round my youthful brow
+  I ne'er twine the myrtle's bough?
+  For such wreaths my soul ne'er grieves.
+  Whilst I own my Twankay's leaves.
+  Though for me no altar burns,
+  Kettles boil and bubble--urns
+  In each fane, where I adore--
+  What should mortal ask for more!
+  I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,
+  Howqua shall my cup supply;
+  I'll ne'er ask for amphoræ,
+  Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.
+  Then, perchance, above my grave,
+  Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;
+  And some stately sugar-cane,
+  There may spring to life again:
+  Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,
+  To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES.
+
+KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG "TOBY."
+
+DEAR SIR,--I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel,
+thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master,
+for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my
+paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog in a nobleman's family. Lawk, sir!
+what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn
+author?
+
+I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with _dialect_--what a
+face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as
+hollow as the big drum, but warn't half so round and noisy. You can't have
+dwindled down to that, sure_ly_! I couldn't bear to see your hump and
+_pars pendula_ (that's dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and
+titivated out in msty-fusty toggery--I'm sure I couldn't! The very thought
+of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.
+
+I whined like any thing, calling to my missus--for you must know that I've
+married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. "Vixen," says I,
+"here's the poor old governor up at last--I knew that Police Act would
+drive him to something desperate."
+
+"Why he hasn't hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest!"
+exclaimed Mrs. T.
+
+"Worse nor that," says I; "he's turned author, and in course is stewed up
+in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year,
+when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the
+police don't want nothing to do to warm 'em, and consequentially sees no
+harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It's very hawful."
+
+Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I know'd she'd
+something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her.
+"Toby," says she, "go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort
+him to larrup you a little."
+
+"Very well," says I, "I'll be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for
+supper, should any come out while I'm gone; and if you can get the puppies
+to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you." Saying
+which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
+coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a
+waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestra--he as could
+only play "Jim Crow" and the "Soldier Tired." Thinks I, I may as well pass
+the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach he
+was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was
+about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-horse. Whilst I
+was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the
+wehicle make the following remark:--
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_twisting his tail about like anything_)--Curse the
+flies!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--You may say that. I've had one fellow tickling me this
+half-hour.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually
+penetrates my vertebra.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Werterbee! What's that?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_impatiently_).--The spine, my friend (_whish!
+whish!_)
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it is a shameful thing to _dock_ us as they
+does. If the marrow in one's backbone should melt, it would be sartin to
+run out at the tip of one's tail. I say, how's your _feed?_
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Very indifferent--the chaff predominates--(_munch_)
+not _bene_ by any means.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied
+if they'd only make it _oaty_ now and then. How long have you been in
+the hackney line?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I have occupied my present degraded position about two
+years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever
+come to this.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it ain't very respectable, is it?--especially since
+the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?--you
+look as if you had been well brought up.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--My mama was own sister to _Lottery_, but
+unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the
+produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign
+Dashard.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Bless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve
+in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out I'd a splint, and
+wouldn't have me! I say, ain't that stout woman with a fat family looking
+at us?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I'm afraid she is. People of her grade in society are
+always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or
+Mutton-hill, or a _hill_ somewhere.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--She's ahailing us! I wonder whether she's narvous? I'll
+let out with my hind leg a bit--(_kick_)--O Lord! the rheumatiz!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pray don't. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a
+thoroughbred.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven't you just acknowledged
+that you were a cocktail? Thank God! she's moving on. Hallo! there's old
+Readypenny!--a willanous Tory.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I beg to remark that mine isn't. I sarved Readypenny
+out at Westminster 'lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to
+the poll, and I wouldn't draw an inch. I warn't agoing to take up a
+plumper for Rous.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I declare the obese female returns.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach! Hallo! Coach!
+
+WATERMAN.--Here you is, ma'am. Kuck! kuck! kuck!--Come along!--(_Pulling
+the coach and horses_).
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will
+pull my head off.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.
+
+WATERMAN--Come up, you old brute!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Old brute! What evidence of a low mind!--[_The stout
+woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach_].
+
+COACH.--O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!--O law! Week! week!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Do you hear how the poor old thing's a sufferin'?--She
+must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay
+for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of
+Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch don't break--she has been crazy a long
+time.
+
+WATERMAN.--Snow-hill--opposite the Saracen's Head.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--I know'd it!
+
+COACHMAN.--Kuck! kuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may
+save us from flagellation.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, I'm pulling, ain't I?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I don't like to dispute your word;
+but--(_whack_)--Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--A _raw_ you mean. Who's not pulling now, I should
+like to know!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I couldn't help hopping then; you know what a
+_grease_ I have in my hind leg.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, haven't I a splint and a corn, and ain't one of my
+fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?
+
+WOMAN.--Stop! stop!
+
+COACHMAN.--Whoo up!--d--n you!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--There goes my last masticator!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I'm blow'd if he hasn't jerked my head so that he's
+given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we
+shall save the hill.
+
+WOMAN.--Three doors higher up.
+
+COACHMAN.--Chuck! chuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+COACHMAN.--Come up, you varmint!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O
+Pegasus! what shall I come to next!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was
+obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking
+me by the scruff of my neck if I ain't pretty regular in my hours.
+
+Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose services
+we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the enlightened manager
+of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to advance the interest of the
+drama is only equalled by his ignorance of the means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself
+entirely to _stews_.
+
+Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two
+Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which
+delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next.
+
+Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
+consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the
+_premiership_?
+
+Mr. Moreton Dyer, "_the amateur turner_," has been a frequent visitor
+at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving
+lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always
+considered his lordship a Talleyrand in _turning_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION.
+
+(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A "NOTED" TAILOR'S BILL.)
+
+  By winter's chill the fragrant flower is nipp'd,
+    To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;
+  The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp'd,
+    A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;
+
+  The aërial songster moults his plumerie,
+    To vie in sleekness with each feather'd brother:
+  A twelvemonth's wear hath ta'en thy nap from thee,
+    My seedy coat!--When shall I get another?
+
+NOTE.--Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid,
+to PUNCH'S office.
+
+P.S.--None need apply who _refuse_ three years' acceptances. If the
+bills be made _renewable_, by agreement, "continuations" will be
+taken in any quantity.--FITZROY FIPS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STREET POLITICS.
+
+A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER.
+
+
+(_Enter_ PUNCH.)
+
+PUNCH.--R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?
+
+(_Sings._)
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time I turn about,
+    I jump Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.
+
+PUNCH.--Yes, yes; I've been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to
+the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have
+done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. I'm
+an M.P. now.
+
+MANAGER.--An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Fact, upon my honour. I'm at this moment an unit in the collective
+stupidity of the nation.
+
+DOG TOBY.--R-r-r-r-r-r--wough--wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a
+legislator before, that he barks at me so?
+
+MANAGER.--A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho!
+ho! ho!
+
+PUNCH.--My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally
+used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more
+blockheads than mine in St. Stephen's, I can tell you. And as for oratory,
+why I flatter my whiskers I'll astonish them in that line.
+
+MANAGER.--But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--I'd have you know, sir, I'm above having any principles but those
+that put money in my pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--I mean on what interest did you start?
+
+PUNCH.--On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble
+feeling that a public man can entertain.
+
+MANAGER.--Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as
+a Whig or a Tory?
+
+PUNCH.--As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry,
+beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were
+always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.
+
+PUNCH.--So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported
+themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I
+turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the
+opposition 'bus.
+
+MANAGER.---But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--Where every politician's is, sir--in my breeches' pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--And your consistency, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--What a green chap you are, after all. A public man's consistency!
+It's only a popular delusion, sir. I'll tell you what's consistency, sir.
+When one gentleman's _in_ and won't come _out_, and when another
+gentleman's _out_ and can't get _in_, and when both gentlemen
+persevere in their determination--that's consistency.
+
+MANAGER.--I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public
+man to----
+
+PUNCH.--(_sings_)--
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time he turn about,
+    He jumps Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not
+very flattering?
+
+PUNCH.--'Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green
+and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they haven't a chance. The
+election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts
+them--Ireland fails them--Scotland alone sticks with national attachment
+to their backs, like a--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Of course, then, the Tories will take office--?
+
+PUNCH.--I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their
+chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs
+were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not
+growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they
+were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the
+decay of our ancient and venerable constitution--? And have they not
+promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would--Send
+round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories
+mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?
+
+PUNCH.--No, but they'll give them cheap drink. They'll throw open the
+Thames for the use of the temperance societies.
+
+MANAGER.--But if we don't have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed,
+our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.
+
+PUNCH.--There you're wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and,
+though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full.
+
+MANAGER.--That's all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a
+_leetle_ if you starve them.
+
+PUNCH.--Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being
+grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!--I've studied political
+economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. They've got a fine plan
+in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
+homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
+infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs
+that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany.
+Oh! 'tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mind--Send round the
+hat.
+
+MANAGER.--What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--It means--when a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide
+his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he
+may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same
+difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into
+his supper.
+
+MANAGER.--But if the man has got no supper?
+
+PUNCH.--Then let him wish he may get it.
+
+MANAGER.--Oh! that's your sliding scale?
+
+PUNCH.--Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of
+victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable
+to free trade?
+
+PUNCH.--Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions
+that mean nothing but free plunder. I'll illustrate my position. I'm a boy
+in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my
+form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling
+in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a
+bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of
+course, knocks up my trade.
+
+MANAGER.--But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.
+
+PUNCH.--D--n the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. I'm
+for centralization--and individualization--every man for himself, and
+PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my
+form, and see how I'll cobb him. So now--send round the hat--and three
+cheers for
+
+PUNCH'S POLITICS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.
+
+No. 1.
+
+
+  O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger,
+    Why this lonely path you seek;
+  Every step is fraught with danger
+    Unto one so fair and meek.
+  Where are they that _should_ protect thee
+    In this darkling hour of doubt?
+  Love _could_ never thus neglect thee!--
+    _Does your mother know you're out?_
+
+  Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?
+    Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!
+  Sure thine heart is overladen,
+    When each breath is fraught with sighs.
+  Say, hath care life's heaven clouded,
+    Which hope's stars were wont to spangle?
+  What hath all thy gladness shrouded?--
+    _Has your mother sold her mangle?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE.
+
+We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W----, that, for the
+convenience of the public, he has put down one of his carriages, and given
+orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the construction of an easy and elegant
+_stretcher._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    CANVASSING. What a love of a child
+    THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy
+    THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals
+    THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg
+    THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists in general,
+that should the violent cold with which he has been from time immemorial
+afflicted, and which, although it has caused his voice to appear like an
+infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and thistles, yet has not
+very materially affected him otherwise--should it not deprive him of
+existence--please Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every
+exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further,
+that he will most unequivocally be down with his _coup de baton_ upon
+every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.
+
+That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters are
+generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance: should
+the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCH'S portrait
+in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the purest
+production of the general mourning school--and all performed by
+scissars--to the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal
+Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real
+carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH
+would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
+landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for PUNCH--none
+of your insinuating cabinet gems--no Art-_ful_ Union system of doing
+things--Hopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for
+another--and as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen
+corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to
+screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little
+affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in front of
+his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to prove that
+PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism, he has
+prepared the following description of the private view of either the Royal
+Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British Institution, for
+1842, for the lovers of this very light style of reading; and to make it
+as truly applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection
+or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner
+practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be
+exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what strict
+attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an intimate
+knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to displays, and with
+what consummate skill he blends those peculiarities, the reader will have
+the kindness to attach the criticism to either of the works (hereunder
+catalogued) most agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that
+this is a thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft
+anointment.
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY:
+
+  Portrait of the miscreant who          \
+  attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath.  |
+                    VALENTINE VERMILION.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of His Majesty the             | The head is extremely
+  King of Hanover.                        | well painted, and the light
+                            BY THE SAME.  | and shade distributed with
+                                          | the artist's usual judgement.
+  Portrait of the boy who got into        |
+  Buckingham Palace.                      |
+                        GEOFFERY GLAZEM.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord John Russell.          |
+                            BY THE SAME.  | An admirable likeness of
+                                          \ the original, and executed
+  Portrait of W. Grumbletone, Esq.,       / with that breadth and clearness
+  in the character of Joseph Surface.     | so apparent in this clever
+                          PETER PALETTE.  | painter's works.
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Sir Robert Peel.            |
+                            BY THE SAME.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of the Empress of Russia.      |
+                          VANDYKE BROWN.  | A well-drawn and brilliantly
+                                          | painted portrait, calculated
+  Portrait of the infant Princess.        | to sustain the fame already
+                            BY THE SAME.  | gained by this our favourite
+                                          | painter.
+  Portrait of Mary Mumblegums,            |
+  aged 170 years.                         |
+                            BY THE SAME. /
+
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:
+
+  The Death of Abel.                     \
+                        MICHAEL McGUELP.  |
+                                          |
+  Dead Game.                              |
+                    THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL.  |
+                                          |
+  Vesuvius in Eruption.                   | This picture is well arranged,
+                   CHARLES CARMINE, R.A.  | and coloured with much truth
+                                          | to nature; the chiaro-scuro
+  Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child.      | is admirably managed.
+                              R.W. BUSS.  |
+                                          |
+  Cattle returning from the Watering      |       OR THUS:
+  Place.                                  \
+                             R. BOLLOCK.  /
+                                          | This is one of the cleverest
+  "We won't go home till Morning."        | productions in the Exhibition;
+                    M. WATERFORD, R.H.S.  | there is a transparency in the
+                                          | shadows equal to Rembrandt.
+  The infant Cupid sleeping.              |
+                                R. DADD.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord Palmerston.            |
+                           A.L.L. UPTON.  |
+                                          |
+  Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look      |
+  out.                                    |
+                              H. PARKER.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P.          |
+                                J. WOOD.  |
+                                         /
+
+Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a little too
+oily, they can easily add such a tag as the following:--"In our humble
+judgment, a little more delicacy of handling would not be altogether out
+of place;" or, "Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we
+recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing
+previous productions by the same."
+
+
+FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED:
+
+This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see the vigour
+of handling and smartness of conception formerly apparent in his works:
+or, "A little stricter attention to drawing, as well as composition, would
+render this artist's works more recommendatory."
+
+
+THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED:
+
+Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately: "A perfect daub,
+possessing not one single quality necessary to create even the slightest
+interest--a disgrace to the Exhibition--who allowed such a wretched
+production to disgrace these walls?--woefully out of drawing, and as badly
+coloured," and such like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS.
+
+BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE.
+
+  Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,
+  For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost everywhere;
+  And the blazing red of my beadle's coat is turning to pink through fear,
+  Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the
+          end of the year.
+  I've done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico
+  Of Somerset House, that I don't know what I should do if I was for to go!
+  What the electors are at, I can't make out, upon my soul,
+  For it's a law of natur' that the _whig_ should be atop of
+          the _poll_.
+  I've had a snug berth of it here for some time, and don't want to cut
+          the connexion;
+  But they _do_ say the Whigs must go out, because they've NO OTHER
+          ELECTION;
+  What they mean by that, I _don't_ know, for ain't they been
+          electioneering--
+  That is, they've been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and
+          ginning, and beering.
+  Hasn't Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John
+          Russell,
+  For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming
+          _bussel_?
+  Ain't the two _first_ retired into private life--(that's the genteel
+          for being rejected)?
+  And what's more, the _last_ four, strange to say, have all been elected.
+  Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his
+          coat collar,
+  Hav'n't they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them
+          _Hollar_?
+  Then at Lambeth, ain't Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on 'em
+          bottled
+  By Mr. D'Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled!
+  And hasn't Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier,
+  Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap queer?
+  Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a _Cleave_-r for Marrowbone
+          looks cranky,
+  Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out "_No Sankee?_"
+  Then South'ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood,
+  Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his duty--he
+          would!
+  Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find
+          that they're in the wrong box,
+  For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed
+          the Fox;
+  Whilst Westminster's chosen Rous--not Rouse of the Eagle--tho' I once
+          seed a
+  Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a _goose_, along
+          with a Leda.
+  And hasn't Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A'Court been down to Tamworth to be
+          reseated?
+  They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for
+          its always--ditto repeated.
+  Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
+          considerable fume,
+  Who finds it no go, though he's added up the poll-books several times
+          with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.
+  So if there's been _no other election_, I should like to find out
+  What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding,
+          losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other _et
+          cetera_, has been about!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE.
+
+  Black bottles at Brighton,
+    To darken your fame;
+  Black Sundays at Hounslow,
+    To add to your shame.
+  Black balls at the club,
+    Show Lord Hill's growing duller:
+  He should change your command
+    To the _guards_ of that colour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+English--it has been remarked a thousand and odd times--is one of the few
+languages which is unaccompanied with gesticulation. Your veritable
+Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary as your genuine Frenchman is
+prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an oracle, the other like a
+telegraph.
+
+Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his
+hands fast locked in his breeches' pocket, and his features as calm as a
+horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the _debut_ of the new _danseuse_, with
+several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left
+side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two
+shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.
+
+The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency
+of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which
+is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps,
+objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and
+consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a wicked
+waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of
+Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in
+pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much money
+in the dirt--a crime which he regards as second in depravity only to that
+of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we were a nation
+of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather than diminished,
+our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole standard of
+excellence. We measure a man's respectability by his banker's account, and
+mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very nobility
+is a nobility of the breeches' pocket; and the highest personage in the
+realm--her most gracious Majesty--the most gracious Majesty of
+500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial
+people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage
+should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like
+ourselves, it is equally natural that a man's worthiness should be
+computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this commercial spirit, which,
+for the reason before assigned, is opposed to the introduction of
+pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this spirit that we would
+appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency which we cannot but look
+upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a
+cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all
+our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for
+the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is
+coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their appearance
+amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly confined to that
+class upon whose manners politeness places little or no
+restraint--barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as the book of
+etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very reason, such a change
+would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet do we trust, by pointing
+out to the more refined portion of the "British public," the advantage
+that must necessarily accrue from the general cultivation of the art of
+pantomime, by proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively
+tedious operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a
+far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of time, and
+that with a saving of one-half the muscular exertion--a point so perfectly
+consonant with the present prevailing desire for cheap and rapid
+communication--that we say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher
+classes to look upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of
+expression, but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the
+most polite and useful of all accomplishments.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all their
+comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in the first
+place, say a few words on language in general.
+
+It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among
+men--the written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature
+of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of
+conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses or
+modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses
+and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the
+gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and
+literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language, may be
+cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince's Mixture to a stranger, or a
+bottle of "Bouquet du Roi" to a fair acquaintance; both of which are but
+forms of expressing to them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an
+organ but little cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it
+is, therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that
+which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to be
+imbibed with our mother's milk. What words can speak affection to the
+child like elecampane--what language assures us of the remembrance of an
+absent friend like a brace of wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the
+eloquence of dinners? A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these
+to all guests the very emblems of esteem--and turtle, venison, and
+champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a
+particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration of the
+genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as
+in a public dinner? or if a candidate be anxious to convince the "free and
+independent electors" of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for
+the commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the
+general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and
+last species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All
+understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caresses--between
+being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who,
+however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what fair
+maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to
+construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender
+pressure of her toe under the dinner table?
+
+Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man.
+There is, however, one other--that which forms the subject of the present
+article--Pantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of the
+visible language--literature being taken as the artificial. This is the
+most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the earliest,
+as it is the most intuitive--the smiles and frowns of the mother being the
+first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we consider for a moment
+that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin,
+changing to-day into yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age,
+and life into death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets
+of the scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art
+which constitutes the very essence of existence itself. "Speech," says
+Talleyrand, that profound political pantomimist, "was given to
+_conceal_ our thoughts;" and truly this is the chief use to which it
+is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words. Let
+but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand desideratum must
+be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates, instead of being able, as
+now, to become legislators by simply professing to be patriots, will be
+placed in the awkward predicament of having first to _act_ as such;
+and that the clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the
+mere preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a
+portion to charitable purposes, and _practise_ it.
+
+Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages of
+this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of becoming
+the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of ultimately
+finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the beautiful Miss B., by
+gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that
+doubt and incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of "Love's
+young dream," by a gentle indication with the dexter hand over the
+sinister shoulder.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN.
+
+An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen's Bench against Mr.
+Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a person named Clark, in
+wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other refreshments, during a contest for
+the representation of the borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who
+it appears was chairman of Mr. Walter's committee, swore that _every
+thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him._ By a
+remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this tippling
+case was _Mr. Lush._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ODE.
+
+PICKED UP IN KILLPACK'S DIVAN.
+
+Cum notis variorum.
+
+"Excise Court.--An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling
+spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that
+there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was
+treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members, and
+that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined £5 in
+each case."--_Observer_
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: Best British Brandy not Permitted]
+
+          INVOCATION.
+
+  Assist, ye jocal nine[1], inspire my soul!
+  (Waiter! a go of Brett's best alcohol,
+  A light, and one of Killpack's mild Havannahs).
+  Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas
+  I sing of what we were--of what we _now_ are.
+      Wildly let me rave,
+      To imprecate the knave
+  Whose curious _information_ turned our porter sour,
+  Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)
+        Brown,
+        Down
+  Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;
+  Changing, despite our _belle esprit_, at one fell _swop_,
+  Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!
+
+          ODE.
+
+      Then little Bob arose,
+      And doff'd his clothes,
+  Exclaiming, "Momus! Stuff!
+  I've played him long enough,"
+  And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,
+  Behold me ready _dressed_ to play young Bacchus.
+    He said[2] his legs the barrel span,
+    And thus the Covent Garden god began;--
+  "GENTLEMEN,--I am--ahem--!--I beg your pardon,
+  But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden--
+  No, I don't mean that, I mean to say,
+  That if we were--ahem!--to pay
+  So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of 'Hear!']
+  Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;
+  In short, _small_ duty pay on all we sup--
+  Ahem!--you understand--I give it up."
+      The speech was ended,
+      And Bob descended.
+  The club was formed. A spicy club it was--
+  Especially on Saturdays; because
+  They dined extr'ordinary cheap at five o'clock:
+  When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.
+  Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers--
+  Odd fellows all--_odder_ than all their club compeers.
+  Some were sub-editors, others reporters,
+  And more _illuminati_, joke-importers.
+      The club was heterogen'ous
+      By strangers seen as
+  A refuge for destitute _bons mots_--
+  _Dépôt_ for leaden jokes and pewter pots;
+  Repertory for gin and _jeux d'esprit_,
+  Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;
+  Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;
+  Gall'ry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;[3]
+  Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;
+  In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!
+  *             *             *             *
+  Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,
+      Hear me while I say
+      "_Donnez-moi du frenzy, s'il vous plait!_"[4]
+  Give me a most tremendous fit
+  Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,
+      Or deep anathema,
+      Fatal as J--d's bah!
+  To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.
+  May genial gin no more delight _their_ throttles--
+  _Their_ casks grow leaky, bottomless _their_ bottles;
+  May smugglers _run_, and they ne'er make a seizure;
+  May _they_--I'll curse them further at my leisure.
+      But for our club,
+      "Ay, there's the rub."
+  "We mourn it dead in its father's halls:"[5]--
+  The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;
+      No stuffing there,
+      Not even in a chair;
+  The spirits are all _ex_(or)_cised_,
+  The coffee-cups capsized,
+  The coffee _fine_-d, the snuff all taken,
+  The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:
+  The utter ruin of the club's achieven--
+  Our very chess-boards are ex-_chequered_ even.
+  "Where is our club?" X--sighs,[6] and with a stare
+  Like to another echo, answers "Where?"
+
+    [1] "Ye jocal nine," a happy modification of "Ye vocal nine."
+        The nine here so classically invocated are manifestly nine
+        of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1. Mr. D--s
+        J--d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer and
+        store-keeper. 3. Mr. G--e S--h, sub-ed. J---- B----. 4. Mr.
+        B--d, Mem. Dram. Author's Society. 5. C--s S--y, ditto. 6.
+        Mr. C--e. 7. Mr. C--s, T--s, late of the firm of T--s and
+        P--t. 8. Mr. J--e A--n, Mem. Soc. British Artists. 9, and
+        lastly, "though not least," the author of "You loved me not
+        in happier days."
+
+    [2] "He said."--Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished
+        of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some
+        passages an imitation of it which might be considered
+        pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The
+        literal rendering of the '_dixit_' of the ancient epicists,
+        strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.--PUNCH.
+
+    [3] A play-bill reminiscence, viz. "The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins
+        and Pitt."--THE AUTHORS OF "BUT, HOWEVER."
+
+    [4] "Donnez-moi," &c.--The classics of all countries are aptly
+        drawn upon by the universal erudition of our bard. A fine
+        parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel's starving
+        author: "La Gloire--donnez-moi do pain!"--FENWICK DE
+        PORQUET.
+
+    [5] "They mourn it dead," &c.--A pretty, but perhaps too literal
+        allusion to a popular song--J. RODWELL.
+
+    [6] "X--sighs."--Who "X" may happen to be we have not the remotest
+        idea. But who would not forgive a little mystification for
+        so brilliant a pun?--THE GHOST OF PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. HUME.
+
+We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from his
+parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the neighbourhood
+of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members only, in the
+principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some measure his
+own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged in preparing a
+Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRIVATE."
+
+"In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended to confer
+the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It would be
+difficult to select an individual more _peculiarly_ fitted for the
+situation than his lordship, whose _love of letters_ is notorious in
+the Carlton Club."--_Extract from an Intercepted Letter._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party
+should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the
+Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former opponents. We have no
+doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel
+grateful for support from any quarter; but we much doubt the
+practicability of the measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see
+Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition
+engines, with their followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House
+of Commons. In our opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the
+result of these
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+The "star system" has added another victim to the many already sacrificed
+to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an actor whose personation of
+_Macduff_, the _Hunchback, Jaques_, &c., would have procured for
+him in former times no mean position, has been compelled to secede from
+the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the
+continual sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one
+to whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The part
+assigned to Mr. Phelps (_Friar Lawrence_) requires an actor of
+considerable powers, and under the old _régime_ would have
+deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps' position; but we can understand the
+motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the
+practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr.
+Phelps' opposition to this ruinous system of "starring" as commendable and
+manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the upholding of this
+system. The "stars" are paid so enormously, and cost so much to maintain
+them in their false position, that the manager cannot afford (supposing
+the disposition to exist) to pay the working portion of his company
+salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or compatible with the
+appearance they are expected to maintain out of the theatre; whilst
+opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of improving any
+favourable impression they may have made upon the public, is denied to
+them, from the fear that the influence of the greater, because more
+fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are now so well
+known, that men of education are deterred from making the stage a
+profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to
+this cause.
+
+The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable to
+this absurd and destructive system. The "star" must be considered alone in
+the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to
+measure, the actor, _par excellence_, must be the arbiter of the
+author's creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in
+the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of
+this individual display, its rejection by the "star" would render the
+labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of
+fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying
+labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the
+pecuniary monopoly of the "star."
+
+It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the
+stage. The public had formerly _many_ favourites, because all had an
+opportunity of contending for their favour--now they have only Mr. A. or
+Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it
+may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually
+sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
+charm of the melody.
+
+We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We
+quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious to
+an art which we reverence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VAUXHALL.--Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!--Elysium
+of illumination lamps!--Paradise of Simpson!--we have been permitted once
+again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast
+of impalpable ham and invisible chicken--to join in the eruption of
+exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories--to swallow thy mysterious arrack
+and
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.]
+
+We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his
+six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head--we have roved again amid
+those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago,
+
+  "We met the daylight after seven hours' sitting."
+
+But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not
+Vauxhall: the G R's were V R's--the cocked hats were round hats--the
+fiddlers were foreigners--the Rotunda was Astley's--the night was
+moon-shiny--and there was not--our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
+fact--there was not "Simpson" to exclaim, "Welcome to the royal property!"
+Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou
+doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge
+of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name
+immortal--Peace to thy manes!
+
+STRAND.--The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have
+produced another mythological drama, called "The Frolics of the Fairies;
+or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle," from the pen of Leman Rede, who is,
+without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of
+Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this
+piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it
+arose from the _indisposition_ of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same
+hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and "a gem of the
+first water" she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be
+useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends
+more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success.
+It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest of--dare we call her
+mere woman?--little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle
+of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage
+reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can
+labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the
+production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve
+the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little
+Temple of Momus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord
+Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrow's
+late establishment; but whether the _peds_ are _bi_ or _quadru_,
+rumour sayeth not.
+
+
+A CARD.
+
+MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in
+general, that they supply _dénouements_ to unfinished stories, on the
+most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of
+catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.
+
+
+FOR MELO-DRAMA.
+
+Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.
+
+Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.
+
+Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of
+virtue.
+
+
+FOR FARCES.
+
+Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c.
+
+
+FOR COMEDIES.
+
+Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune.
+
+Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.
+
+Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter.
+
+Ditto, ditto, very fine, "with convenient cordial," and true gentlemen,
+illustrated by an old _debauchee_.
+
+N.B.--On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides,
+strongly recommended for Surrey use.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WHY AND BECAUSE.
+
+
+    Young Kean's a bad cigar--because
+    The more he's puff'd, the worse he draws.
+
+A new farce, entitled "My Friend the Captain," is to be produced tonight,
+at the Haymarket Theatre.
+
+MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday
+next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actor's professional
+brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has
+always been ready to afford to others.
+
+TO MRS. H.
+
+  Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,
+  No wonder men run after thee;
+  There's something in a name, perhaps,
+  For _Honey's_ often good for _chaps_.
+
+A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very
+chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of
+Mr. Davidge's patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss
+Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that "music
+hath charms."
+
+We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous
+who was lately returned for Westminster.
+
+
+THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA.
+
+_Berthelda_.--Sanguine, you have killed your _mother_!!!
+
+_Fruitwoman_.--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
+
+(_Curtain falls_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.
+
+We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament
+for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very
+liberally distributed by Captain Rons's party, during the late contest:--
+
+1st. Because "he is _brother to the Earl_ of Stradbroke."
+
+2nd. Because "his _family_ have always been hearty Conservatives."
+
+3rd. Because "they have been established in _Suffolk_ from the time
+of the _Heptarchy_."
+
+4th. Because "he entered the navy in 1808."
+
+5th. Because "he _brought home Lord Aylmer_ in the Pique, in 1835."
+
+6th. Because "he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle."
+
+7th. Because "after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again."
+
+8th. Because "he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot,
+lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!"
+ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.--Q.E.D.
+
+
+THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.
+
+LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant
+member to "go the whole hog." This is natural advice from a _thorough
+bore_ like his lordship.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+1, July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13639 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13639 ***</div>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page1" name="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span>
+<h2>JULY 17, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE MORAL OF PUNCH.</h2>
+<p>As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your
+society, we think it right that you should know something of our
+character and intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have
+misled you into a belief that we have no other intention than the
+amusement of a thoughtless crowd, and the collection of pence. We
+have a higher object. Few of the admirers of our prototype, merry
+Master PUNCH, have looked upon his vagaries but as the practical
+outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth. We have considered him
+as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have, therefore, adopted
+him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant instruction.
+When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley,
+flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in
+time with his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the
+attention and admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver
+puppetry have passed before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their
+adornments of coloured and lustrous gems, have bound the brow of
+infamy as well as that of honour&mdash;a mockery to both; as though
+virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment of its own high
+purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the forgetfulness of
+its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded coaches have
+glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and shouts
+of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often,
+the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy
+frothiness of those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in
+the market-place, and found their reward in the sycophancy of a
+degraded constituency, or the patronage of a venal
+ministry&mdash;no matter of what creed, for party <em>must</em>
+destroy patriotism.</p>
+<p>The noble in his robes and coronet&mdash;the beadle in his gaudy
+livery of scarlet, and purple, and gold&mdash;the dignitary in the
+fulness of his pomp&mdash;the demagogue in the triumph of his
+hollowness&mdash;these and other visual and oral cheats by which
+mankind are cajoled, have passed in review before us, conjured up
+by the magic wand of PUNCH.</p>
+<p>How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with
+the bell, besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of
+him! The moment that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to
+forget the existence of his annoyance, and, carolling the
+mellifluous numbers of <em>Jim Crow</em>, or some other strain of
+equal beauty, makes the most of the present, regardless of the past
+or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his persecutions, PUNCH
+boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the victor. All have
+a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few, the
+philosophy of PUNCH!</p>
+<p>We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies.
+PUNCH is (and we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in
+principle, and somewhat of a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at
+times harsh and ungentlemanly to Mrs. P.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Eve of a land that still is Paradise,</p>
+<p>Italian beauty!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too
+much to expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we
+repudiate such principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own,
+and a little Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties;
+but we fearlessly aver that we never threw him out of window, nor
+belaboured the lady with a stick&mdash;even of the size allowed by
+law.</p>
+<p>There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it
+always saddens us&mdash;we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is
+true, sings in durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling
+with the song. We are advocates for the <em>correction</em> of
+offenders; but how many generous and kindly beings are there pining
+within the walls of a prison, whose only crimes are poverty and
+misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and appear jocund, but the
+<em>heart</em> can ever hear the ring of the bars.</p>
+<p>We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling
+out his music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but
+we felt sickened with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our
+thought, the free minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into
+the blue caverns of the heavens, with the bird to whom the world
+was circumscribed. May the time soon arrive, when every prison
+shall be a palace of the mind&mdash;when we shall seek to instruct
+and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated education by
+example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has almost
+germinated into reason. Man <em>has</em> reason, why not give him
+intelligence?</p>
+<p>We now come to the last great lesson of our motley
+teacher&mdash;the gallows! that accursed tree which has its
+<em>root</em> in injuries. How clearly PUNCH exposes the fallacy of
+that dreadful law which authorises the destruction of life! PUNCH
+sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not? Where is the divine
+injunction against the shedder of man&rsquo;s blood to rest? None
+<em>can</em> answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At
+other times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy
+the principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the
+good, and the gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is
+now a jest.</p>
+<p>We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry
+and wise&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,</p>
+<p>What, after all, are all things but a
+show!&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Byron.</em></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>As on the stage of PUNCH&rsquo;S theatre, many characters appear
+to fill up the interstices of the more important story, so our
+pages will be interspersed with trifles that have no other object
+than the moment&rsquo;s approbation&mdash;an end which will never
+be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the evanescent smile
+of a harmless satire.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.</h2>
+<p>There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable
+<em>hard-bake</em> houses in the metropolis. The firm had been
+speculating considerably in &ldquo;Prince Albert&rsquo;s
+Rock,&rdquo; and this is said to have been the rock they have
+ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest sufferers. One
+of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a deposit on
+some <em>tom-trot</em>, which the house had promised to supply on
+the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of
+other transactions of a similar character.</p>
+<p>Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece
+and some halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an
+individual, who, if he had only chosen to walk with it into the
+market, might have produced a very alarming effect on some minor
+description of securities. Cherries were taken very freely at
+twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a shade lower than
+yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of tallow all the
+week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown a still
+further gloom upon rushlights.</p>
+<p>The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match
+market into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem
+destined to undergo a still further depression. This state of
+things was rendered worse towards the close of the day, by a large
+holder of the last-named article unexpectedly throwing an immense
+quantity into the market, which went off rapidly.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SOMETHING WARLIKE.</h3>
+<p>Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces,
+the usual mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that
+cannot be clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen
+scroll, on which is painted, in large letters, the sentence
+necessary to be known. It so happened that a number of these
+scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of the grand spectacles at
+Astley&rsquo;s Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other lumber in
+the property-room, until the late destructive fire which occurred
+there. On that night, the wife of one of the
+stage-assistants&mdash;a woman of portly dimensions&mdash;was
+aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire, and in her confusion,
+being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid hold of one of
+these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed into the
+street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive
+back view, with the words, &ldquo;BOMBARD THE CITADEL,&rdquo;
+inscribed in legible characters upon her singular drapery.</p>
+<h3>HUME&rsquo;S TERMINOLOGY.</h3>
+<p>Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he
+will never make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives.
+Indeed, he proposes to expunge the term from the English language,
+and to substitute that which is applied to, his own party. In
+writing to a friend, that &ldquo;after the inflammatory character
+of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite supererogatory for
+me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory measures
+will be rendered nugatory,&rdquo; he thus expressed
+himself:&mdash;&ldquo;After the inflamma<em>whig</em> character of
+the ora<em>whig</em> of the nominees of the Carlton Club, it is
+quite supereroga<em>whig</em> for me to state (it being
+no<em>whig</em>ous) that all concilia<em>whig</em> measures will be
+rendered nuga<em>whig</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3>NATIVE SWALLOWS.</h3>
+<p>A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that
+there is an almost total absence of swallows this summer in
+England. Had the writer been present at some of the election
+dinners lately, he must have confessed that a greater number of
+active swallows has rarely been observed congregated in any one
+year.</p>
+<h3>LORD MELBOURNE TO &ldquo;PUNCH.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>My dear PUNCH,&mdash;Seeing in the &ldquo;Court Circular&rdquo;
+of the Morning Herald an account of a General Goblet as one of the
+guests of her Majesty, I beg to state, that till I saw that
+announcement, I was not aware of any other <em>general gobble
+it</em> than myself at the Palace.</p>
+<p>Yours, truly,<br />
+MELBOURN</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page2" name="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span>
+<h3>A RAILROAD NOVEL</h3>
+<p>DEAR PUNCH,&mdash;I was much amused the other day, on taking my
+seat in the Birmingham Railway train, to observe a
+sentimental-looking young gentleman, who was sitting opposite to
+me, deliberately draw from his travelling-bag three volumes of what
+appeared to me a new novel of the full regulation size, and with
+intense interest commence the first volume at the title-page. At
+the same instant the last bell rang, and away started our train,
+whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a butter-firkin. I
+endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as we
+passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill,
+as we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town,
+followed by Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury&mdash;I missed Wolverton
+and Weedon while taking a pinch of snuff&mdash;lost Rugby and
+Coventry before I had done sneezing, and I had scarcely time to
+say, &ldquo;God bless us,&rdquo; till I found we had reached
+Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my
+reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid
+journey, and to devise plans for the gratification of persons
+similarly situated as my fellow-traveller. &ldquo;Why,&rdquo;
+thought I, &ldquo;should literature alone lag in the age of steam?
+Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow Scott or
+bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
+auction bill?&rdquo; Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to
+write a novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration
+should be retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and
+ornamental figures of speech; to be terse and abrupt in
+style&mdash;use monosyllables always in preference to
+polysyllables&mdash;and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
+names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my
+returning home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I
+retired to rest, had written a novel of three neat, portable
+volumes; which, I assert, any lady or gentlemen, who has had the
+advantage of a liberal education, may get through with tolerable
+ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train running from
+London to Birmingham.</p>
+<p>I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description
+of writing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial
+bagmen, omnibus-cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may
+&ldquo;read as they run.&rdquo; Fiddlers at the theatres, during
+the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my invention;
+for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I shall
+instantly apply for a patent.</p>
+<h3>SPECIMEN.</h3>
+<h4>CLARE GREY:</h4>
+<h5>A NOVEL.</h5>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h5>&ldquo;Brief let me be.&rdquo;</h5>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h5>LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.</h5>
+<h5>1841.</h5>
+<h4>VOL. I.</h4>
+<p>Clare Grey&mdash;Sweet girl&mdash;Bloom and blushes, roses,
+lilies, dew-drops, &amp;c.&mdash;Tom Lee&mdash;Young, gay, but
+poor&mdash;Loved Clare madly&mdash;Clare loved Tom
+ditto&mdash;Clare&rsquo;s pa&rsquo; rich, old, cross, cruel,
+&amp;c.&mdash;Smelt a rat&mdash;D&mdash;d Tom, and swore at
+Clare&mdash;Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars&mdash;Love&rsquo;s
+schemes&mdash;<em>Billet-doux</em> from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a
+dish of peas, crammed with vows, love, despair, hope&mdash;Answer
+(pencil and curl-paper), slipped through key-hole&mdash;Full of
+hope, despair, love, vows&mdash;Tom serenades&mdash;Bad
+cold&mdash;Rather hoarse&mdash;White kerchief from
+garret-window&mdash;&ldquo;&rsquo;Tis Clare! &rsquo;tis
+Clare!&rdquo;&mdash;Garden-wall, six feet high&mdash;Love is
+rash&mdash;Scale the wall&mdash;Great house-dog at home&mdash;Pins
+Tom by the calf&mdash;Old Hunk&rsquo;s roused&mdash;Fire! thieves!
+guns, swords, and rushlights&mdash;Tom caught&mdash;Murder,
+burglary&mdash;Station-house, gaol,
+justice&mdash;Fudge!&mdash;Pretty
+mess&mdash;Heigho!&mdash;&lsquo;Oh! &rsquo;tis love,&rsquo;
+&amp;c.&mdash;Sweet Clare Grey!&mdash;Seven pages of
+sentiment&mdash;Lame leg, light purse, heavy
+heart&mdash;Pshaw!&mdash;Never mind&mdash;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-01.png"><img src=
+"images/001-01.png" alt="Fellow operating a turnstile" id=
+"img001-01" name="img001-01" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<h4>VOL. II.</h4>
+<p>&ldquo;Adieu, my native land,&rdquo;
+&amp;c.&mdash;D.I.O.&mdash;&ldquo;We part to meet
+again&rdquo;&mdash;Death or glory&mdash;Red coat&mdash;Laurels and
+rupees in view&mdash;Vows of constancy, eternal truth,
+&amp;c&mdash;Tom swells the brine with tears&mdash;Clare wipes her
+eyes in cambric&mdash;Alas! alack! oh! ah!&mdash;Fond hearts,
+doomed to part&mdash;Cruel fate!&mdash;Ten pages, poetry, romance,
+&amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;Tom in battle&mdash;Cut, slash,
+dash&mdash;Sabres, rifles&mdash;Round and grape in
+showers&mdash;Hot
+work&mdash;Charge!&mdash;Whizz&mdash;Bang!&mdash;Flat as a
+Flounder&mdash;Never say die&mdash;Peace&mdash;Sweet
+sound&mdash;Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one
+eye&mdash;Half-pay&mdash;Home&mdash;Huzza!&mdash;Swift
+gales&mdash;Post-horses&mdash;Love, hope, and Clare Grey&mdash;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-02.png"><img src=
+"images/001-02.png" alt="A peg-legged, pirate cupid" id=
+"img001-02" name="img001-02" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;D BE A BUTTERFLY,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+</div>
+<h4>VOL. III.</h4>
+<p>&ldquo;Here we are!&rdquo;&mdash;At home once more&mdash;Old
+friends and old faces&mdash;Must be changed&mdash;Nobody knows
+him&mdash;Church bells ringing&mdash;Inquire
+cause&mdash;(?)&mdash;Wedding&mdash;Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the
+old pawnbroker&mdash;Brain whirls&mdash;Eyes start from
+sockets&mdash;Devils and hell&mdash;Clare Grey, the fond, constant,
+Clare, a jilt?&mdash;Can&rsquo;t be&mdash;No go&mdash;Stump up to
+church&mdash;Too true&mdash;Clare just made Mrs.
+Snooks&mdash;Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!&mdash;Tom&rsquo;s crutch
+at work&mdash;Snooks floored&mdash;Bridesman settled&mdash;Parson
+bolts&mdash;Clerk mizzles&mdash;Salts and shrieks&mdash;Clare in a
+swoon&mdash;Pa&rsquo; in a funk&mdash;Tragedy speech&mdash;Love!
+vengeance! and damnation!&mdash;Half an ounce of
+laudanum&mdash;Quick speech&mdash;Tom unshackles his wooden
+pin&mdash;Dies like a hero&mdash;Clare pines in secret&mdash;Hops
+the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin&mdash;Poor Tom and
+Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-03.png"><img src=
+"images/001-03.png" alt=
+"A man sitting on a bench next to a tombstone" id="img001-03"
+name="img001-03" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;A WEEPING WILL-OH!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.</h3>
+<p>We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr.
+Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our
+subscribers:&mdash;</p>
+<p>MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,</p>
+<p>Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a
+class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning,
+on the pure Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are
+improved in six short and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his
+capability, he begs to subjoin two conundrums by Colonel
+Sibthorpe.</p>
+<p>COPY.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The following is a specimen of my punning <em>before</em>
+taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain
+<em>cold</em> with which children are affected?</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A. Because it&rsquo;s <em>a new pink off</em> (an
+hooping-cough).</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This is a specimen of my punning <em>after</em> taking
+six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking
+no more of an injury the same as that between a selfish and a
+generous man?</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A. Because the one is <em>for-getting</em> and the other
+<em>for-giving</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in
+particular, will find Mr. T. Hood&rsquo;s system of incalculable
+service.</p>
+<p>Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which
+will be suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner
+or tea. He has also a few second-hand <em>bon mots</em> which he
+can offer a bargain.</p>
+<p>&there4; A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page3" name="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span>
+<h2>A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF
+&ldquo;CANT.&rdquo;</h2>
+<p>There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of
+Voting, it being a science which hath become exceedingly
+complicated. It is necessary, therefore, to the full development of
+the art, that it be brought into such an exposition, as that it may
+be seen in a glance what are the modes of bribing and influencing
+in Elections. The briber, by this means, will be able to arrange
+his polling-books according to the different categories, and the
+bribed to see in what class he shall most advantageously place
+himself.</p>
+<p>It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly
+experienced in this noble science, but none have yet been able so
+to express it as to bring it (as we hope to have done) within the
+range of the certain sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form
+a part of the public education, and not be subject tot he barbarous
+modes pursued by illogical though earnest and zealous disciples;
+and that the great and glorious Constitution that has done so much
+to bring it to perfection, will, in its turn, be sustained and
+matured by the exercise of what is really in itself so ancient and
+beautiful a practice.</p>
+<!--Transcriber's note: I have put a copy of the original image in the /images folder [votingcant.png] in hopes one day someone will make a nice table of it -->
+<h3>VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS</h3>
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be
+considered,
+<ul>
+<li>1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>He that voteth for dead men.</li>
+<li>He that voteth for empty tenements.</li>
+<li>He that voteth for many men.</li>
+<li>He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>Because he hath a bet that he will vote.</li>
+<li>Because he loveth a lark.</li>
+<li>Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
+<ul style="margin-left:-4em;">
+<li>[Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
+BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible
+into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>He who is upset by a bribed coachman.</li>
+<li>He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put into the
+cage.</li>
+<li>He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong
+way.</li>
+<li>He who is hocussed.</li>
+<li>He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.</li>
+<li>He who has not been solicited.</li>
+<li>He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.</li>
+<li>He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.</li>
+<li>He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.</li>
+<li>He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He that pretendeth the money is due to him.</li>
+<li>He that pretendeth it is lent.</li>
+<li>He who receiveth it as alms.</li>
+<li>He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated tobacco-pipe, a
+piece of Irish bacon, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in Botany
+Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.</li>
+<li>He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter, curate,
+and the like.</li>
+<li>He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary to the
+Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey, chaplain,
+mail-coach guard, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He that voteth for Walker&rsquo;s Gooseberry, or
+Elector&rsquo;s Sparkling Champagne.</li>
+<li>For sloe-juice, or Elector&rsquo;s fine old crusted Port.</li>
+<li>He who voteth for Brett&rsquo;s British Brandy, or
+Elector&rsquo;s real French Cognac.</li>
+<li>He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, <em>coculus
+Indicus</em>, Spanish juice, or Elector&rsquo;s Extra Double
+Stout.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers, or
+the like.</li>
+<li>He who getteth a contract, for paupers&rsquo; clothing,
+building unions, and the like.</li>
+<li>He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent
+40<em>s</em>. freeholders.</li>
+<li>He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes,
+haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork, pine-apples,
+early peas, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
+<ol>
+<li>By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice
+to quit.</li>
+<li>By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot
+be trusted.</li>
+<li>By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite
+opinion in his employ.</li>
+<li>By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.</li>
+<li>By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and Gretna
+Green.</li>
+<li>By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth him
+be d&mdash;d.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him a
+place.</li>
+<li>He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.</li>
+<li>He who voteth to get into genteel society.</li>
+<li>He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.</li>
+<li>He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a
+large family.</li>
+<li>He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible
+into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who believeth taxes will be taken off.</li>
+<li>He who believeth wages will be raised.</li>
+<li>He who thinketh trade will be increased.</li>
+<li>He who studieth political economy.</li>
+<li>He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and
+listeneth to lectures, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth to support &ldquo;the glorious
+Constitution,&rdquo; and maintain &ldquo;the envy of surrounding
+nations.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
+revenue.</li>
+<li>He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in
+together.</li>
+<li>He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots.</li>
+<li>That the Tories love the poor.</li>
+<li>That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his
+country.</li>
+<li>That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth because the candidate&rsquo;s ribbons suit his
+wife&rsquo;s complexion.</li>
+<li>Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
+canvasser.</li>
+<li>Because his wife had the candidate&rsquo;s carriage to make
+calls in, and the like.</li>
+<li>Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince
+Albert Quadrilles.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last
+infant, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible
+into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth on one side because his father always voted on
+the same.</li>
+<li>Because the &ldquo;Wrong-heads&rdquo; and the like had always
+sat for the county.</li>
+<li>Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such as
+Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &amp;c., and so must maintain
+his principle.</li>
+<li>Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
+the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of
+hounds.</li>
+<li>Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name as
+the opposite candidate.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate is of a noble family.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel, and
+the like.</li>
+<li>Because he knoweth the candidate&rsquo;s cousin.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate directed to
+him&mdash;&ldquo;Esq.&rdquo;</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be
+considered as
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as
+<ol>
+<li>He that voteth on both sides.</li>
+<li>Because he tossed up with himself.</li>
+<li>He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who
+hath most votes.</li>
+<li>Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the other,
+to show that he is not influenced.</li>
+<li>Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the
+popular candidate.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who cannot be trusted.</li>
+<li>He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the
+other.</li>
+<li>He who is not worth bribing.</li>
+<li>He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter was
+not answered.</li>
+<li>He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived, and
+the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may
+be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe.</li>
+<li>He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray.</li>
+<li>He who is confused and giveth the wrong name.</li>
+<li>He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested.</li>
+<li>He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the
+candidates, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may
+be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so
+incensed into voting the opposite way.</li>
+<li>He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so
+outraged into honesty.</li>
+<li>He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife,
+and so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate.</li>
+<li>He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being
+enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.</li>
+<li>He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who
+keepeth a carriage and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page4" name="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span>
+<h2>THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER</h2>
+<p>Have any of PUNCH&rsquo;S readers ever met one of the above
+<em>genus</em>&mdash;or rather, have they not? They must; for the
+race is imbued with the most persevering <em>hic et ubique</em>
+powers. Like the old mole, these Truepennies &ldquo;work i&rsquo;
+th&rsquo; dark:&rdquo; at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole,
+the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British,
+Cambrian, Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and
+Mythological Saloons, they &ldquo;most do congregate.&rdquo; Once
+set your eyes upon them, once become acquainted with their habits
+and manners, and then mistake them if you can. They are themselves,
+alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket jockeys, the
+peripatetic venders, or buyers of &ldquo;old clo&rsquo;,&rdquo; or
+the Albert continuations at <em>one pound one</em>, they appear to
+be <em>made to measure for the same</em>. We must now describe them
+(to speak theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties!
+The entirely new dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of
+the professional singer, i.e. neither one nor the other ever
+<em>were entirely new</em>, and never will be allowed to grow
+entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these worthies is
+generally <em>very</em> blue or <em>very</em> brown; the cut
+whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at
+what precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on
+the probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that
+alone could to long have kept them from Time&rsquo;s remorseless
+maw. The collars are always velvet, and always greasy. There is a
+slight ostentation manifested in the seams, the stitches whereof
+are so apparent as to induce the beholders to believe they must
+have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose labours
+ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
+buttons!&mdash;oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons!
+They, indeed, are the aristocracy&mdash;the yellow turbans, the
+sun, moon, and stars of the woollen system! They have nothing in
+common with the coat&mdash;they are <em>on it</em>, and
+that&rsquo;s all&mdash;they have no further communion&mdash;they
+decline the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their
+living&mdash;they announce themselves as &ldquo;the last new
+fashion&rdquo;&mdash;they sparkle for a week, retire to their
+silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years after, like
+the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine splendour,
+and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
+accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is
+of a material known only to themselves&mdash;a sort of nightmare
+illusion of velvet, covered with a slight tracery of refined
+mortar, curiously picked out and guarded with a nondescript
+collection of the very greenest green pellets of hyson-bloom
+gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment) describe
+the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two
+rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent),
+commencing, to all appearance, at the <em>small of the back</em>,
+and reaching down even to the hem of the garment, which is
+invariably a double-breasted one, made upon the good old dining-out
+principle of leaving plenty of room in the victualling department.
+To complete the catalogue of raiment, the untalkaboutables have so
+little right to the name of drab, that it would cause a controversy
+on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more exquisitely
+illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the portion
+of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes
+of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that
+description of mud-markers known in the purlieus of
+Liecester-square, and at all denominations of
+&ldquo;boots&rdquo;&mdash;great, little, red, and yellow&mdash;as
+eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are
+strapped down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in
+extreme doubt whether the Prussian hero of that name is their
+legitimate sponsor, or the glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt
+isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured that (as there never was a
+<em>pair</em> of either of the illustrious heroes) these gentlemen,
+for the sake of consistency, invariably perambulate in <em>one of
+each</em>. We scarcely know whether it be so or not&mdash;we merely
+relate what we have heard; but we incline to the <em>two
+Bluchers</em>, <em>because</em> of the <em>eight-and-six</em>. The
+only additional expense likely to add any emolument to the
+<em>tanner&rsquo;s</em> interest (we mean no pun) is the immense
+extent of sixpenny straps generally worn. These are described by a
+friend of ours as belonging to the great class of <em>coaxers</em>;
+and their exertions in bringing (as a nautical man would say) the
+trowsers <em>to bear</em> at all, is worthy of notice. There is a
+legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from one of the
+fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty&rsquo;s
+theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief
+peculiarity of the affair being the close approximation of some of
+his principal foreign words to &ldquo;Tol de rol,&rdquo; and
+&ldquo;Fal the ral ra&rdquo;), in which it was asserted, that from
+a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the
+body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that
+commodity. In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void
+is beautifully nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous
+linen-draper could never wish to have less linen on hand. As we are
+describing the <em>genus</em> in <em>black</em> and <em>white</em>,
+we may as well state at once, <em>those</em> are the colours
+generally casing the throats from whence their sweet sounds issue;
+these <em>ties</em> are garnished with union pins, whose strong
+<em>mosaic tendency</em> would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had
+they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of
+the Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing
+world, amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an
+<em>auto-da-fe</em>.</p>
+<p>It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold
+in his head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from
+carrying pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in
+their hands, though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the
+miniture form of French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something
+round the edges about as much in proportion to <em>the box</em> as
+<em>eighteen insides</em> are to a small tax-cart. This testimonial
+is generally (as the engraved inscription purports) given by
+&ldquo;several gentlemen&rdquo; (who are, unfortunately, in these
+instances, always anonymous&mdash;which circumstance, as they are
+invariably described as &ldquo;admirers of talent,&rdquo; is much
+to be regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We
+believe, like the immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at
+four o&rsquo;clock of the morning, with a bald head, and something
+of a round belly; certain it is, they are universally thin in the
+hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of obesity.</p>
+<p>The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously
+chased, and the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this
+no professional singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried,
+and found a failure. Its uses are remarkable and various: like the
+&ldquo;death&rsquo;s-head and cross-bones&rdquo; of the pirates, or
+the wand, globe, and beard of the conjuror, it is their sure and
+unvarying sign. We have in our mind&rsquo;s eye one of the species
+even now&mdash;we see him coquetting with the fork, compressing it
+with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be called into
+requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the proper
+tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
+performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to
+the right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet
+double-breaster&mdash;we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar
+fascination, they fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant
+corner of the smoke-embued apartment&mdash;we perceive the
+extension of the dexter hand employed in innocent dalliance with
+the well-sucked peel of a quarter of an orange, whilst the left is
+employed with the links of what would be a watch-guard, <em>if</em>
+the professional singer <em>had a watch</em>. We hear the three
+distinct hems&mdash;oblivion for a moment seizes us&mdash;the
+glasses jingle&mdash;two auctioneers&rsquo; hammers astonish the
+mahogany&mdash;several dirty hands are brought in violent and noisy
+contact&mdash;we are near a friend of the vocalist&mdash;our glass
+of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties itself over our
+lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic performances
+of the said zealous friend&mdash;and with an exclamation that, were
+Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
+singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and
+half lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the
+&ldquo;creature comfort&rdquo; with infinite satisfaction.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>&mdash;There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure
+compared to that fat man). &ldquo;A glee, gents!&mdash;a
+glee!&rdquo;&mdash;Ah! there they are&mdash;three coats&mdash;three
+collars&mdash;Heaven knows how many buttons!&mdash;three bald
+heads, three stout stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three
+tuning-forks, nodding and conferring with a degree of mystery
+worthy of three Guy Faux.&rdquo;&mdash;What is the subject?</p>
+<p style="text-align:center;">&ldquo;<em>Hail</em> smi<em>lig</em>
+<em>b</em>orn.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>That&rsquo;s a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of
+singing <em>ensemble</em> is totally exploded by these
+gentry&mdash;each professional singer, as a professional singer,
+sings his very loudest, in <em>justice to himself</em>; if his
+brethren want physical power, that&rsquo;s no fault of
+<em>his</em>, <em>he don&rsquo;t</em>. Professional singers indulge
+in small portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements
+is, &ldquo;Non nobis,&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c.; that is, they
+consider they ought to know the airs. The words are generally
+delivered as
+follows:&mdash;<em>Don&mdash;dobis&mdash;do&mdash;by&mdash;de</em>.
+A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this
+line.</p>
+<p>In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to
+mention, they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is
+more Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the
+same&mdash;sit anywhere, just to accommodate&mdash;eat everything,
+to prove they have no squeamish partialities&mdash;know to a
+toothful what a bottom of brandy <em>should be</em>&mdash;the exact
+quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most likely victim to
+<em>drop upon</em> for any further nourishment they may require.
+Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by the
+important information that &ldquo;Harry Phillips knows what
+he&rsquo;s about&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Weber was up to a thing or
+two.&rdquo; A <em>baritone</em> ain&rsquo;t the sort of thing for
+tenor music: and when <em>they</em> sung with some man (nobody ever
+heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn&rsquo;t
+mind&mdash;&ldquo;A cigar?&rdquo; &ldquo;Thank you,
+sir!&mdash;seldom smoke&mdash;put it in my
+pocket&mdash;(<em>aside</em>) that makes a dozen! Your good health,
+sir!&mdash;don&rsquo;t dislike cold, though I generally take it
+warm&mdash;didn&rsquo;t mean that as a hint, but, since you
+<em>have ordered it</em>, I&rsquo;ll give you a
+toast&mdash;Here&rsquo;s&mdash;THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>FUSBOS.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.</h3>
+<h4>&Epsilon;&Iota;&Sigma; &Tau;&Omicron;
+&Lambda;&Epsilon;&Iota;&Nu; &Pi;&Iota;&Nu;&Epsilon;&Nu;.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Bards of old have sung the vine</p>
+<p>Such a theme shall ne&rsquo;er be mine;</p>
+<p>Weaker strains to me belong,</p>
+<p>P&aelig;ans sung to thee, Souchong!</p>
+<p>What though I may never sip</p>
+<p>Rubies from my tea-cup&rsquo;s lip;</p>
+<p>Do not milky pearls combine</p>
+<p>In this steaming cup of mine?</p>
+<p>What though round my youthful brow</p>
+<p>I ne&rsquo;er twine the myrtle&rsquo;s bough?</p>
+<p>For such wreaths my soul ne&rsquo;er grieves.</p>
+<p>Whilst I own my Twankay&rsquo;s leaves.</p>
+<p>Though for me no altar burns,</p>
+<p>Kettles boil and bubble&mdash;urns</p>
+<p>In each fane, where I adore&mdash;</p>
+<p>What should mortal ask for more!</p>
+<p>I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,</p>
+<p>Howqua shall my cup supply;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ll ne&rsquo;er ask for amphor&aelig;,</p>
+<p>Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.</p>
+<p>Then, perchance, above my grave,</p>
+<p>Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;</p>
+<p>And some stately sugar-cane,</p>
+<p>There may spring to life again:</p>
+<p>Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,</p>
+<p>To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page5" name="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span>
+<h2>A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES.</h2>
+<h3>KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG &ldquo;TOBY.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of
+my kennel, thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings
+on you, master, for teaching me that art!), when one of your
+prospectuses was put into my paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog
+in a nobleman&rsquo;s family. Lawk, sir! what misfortunes can have
+befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn author?</p>
+<p>I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with
+<em>dialect</em>&mdash;what a face he had! It was like a
+mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as hollow as the big
+drum, but warn&rsquo;t half so round and noisy. You can&rsquo;t
+have dwindled down to that, sure<em>ly</em>! I couldn&rsquo;t bear
+to see your hump and <em>pars pendula</em> (that&rsquo;s dog Latin)
+shrunk up like dried almonds, and titivated out in msty-fusty
+toggery&mdash;I&rsquo;m sure I couldn&rsquo;t! The very thought of
+it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.</p>
+<p>I whined like any thing, calling to my missus&mdash;for you must
+know that I&rsquo;ve married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you
+ever see. &ldquo;Vixen,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;here&rsquo;s the poor
+old governor up at last&mdash;I knew that Police Act would drive
+him to something desperate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why he hasn&rsquo;t hung himself in earnest, and summoned
+you on his inquest!&rdquo; exclaimed Mrs. T.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Worse nor that,&rdquo; says I; &ldquo;he&rsquo;s turned
+author, and in course is stewed up in some wery elevated apartment
+during this blessed season of the year, when all nature is wagging
+with delight, and the fairs is on, and the police don&rsquo;t want
+nothing to do to warm &lsquo;em, and consequentially sees no harm
+in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It&rsquo;s very
+hawful.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I
+know&rsquo;d she&rsquo;d something in her head, for she always does
+that when anything tickles her. &ldquo;Toby,&rdquo; says she,
+&ldquo;go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort him
+to larrup you a little.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be off at
+once; so put me by a bone or two for supper, should any come out
+while I&rsquo;m gone; and if you can get the puppies to sleep
+before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you.&rdquo; Saying
+which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
+coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as
+a waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a
+orchestra&mdash;he as could only play &ldquo;Jim Crow&rdquo; and
+the &ldquo;Soldier Tired.&rdquo; Thinks I, I may as well pass the
+compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach
+he was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just
+as I was about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a
+cab-horse. Whilst I was waiting for him to come back, I hears the
+off-side horse in the wehicle make the following remark:&mdash;</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE&mdash;(<em>twisting his tail about like
+anything</em>)&mdash;Curse the flies!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;You may say that. I&rsquo;ve had one
+fellow tickling me this half-hour.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun
+actually penetrates my vertebra.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Werterbee! What&rsquo;s that?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE&mdash;(<em>impatiently</em>).&mdash;The spine, my
+friend (<em>whish! whish!</em>)</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Ah! it is a shameful thing to
+<em>dock</em> us as they does. If the marrow in one&rsquo;s
+backbone should melt, it would be sartin to run out at the tip of
+one&rsquo;s tail. I say, how&rsquo;s your <em>feed?</em></p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Very indifferent&mdash;the chaff
+predominates&mdash;(<em>munch</em>) not <em>bene</em> by any
+means.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I
+should be satisfied if they&rsquo;d only make it <em>oaty</em> now
+and then. How long have you been in the hackney line?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I have occupied my present degraded
+position about two years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was
+foaled, that I should ever come to this.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Ah! it ain&rsquo;t very respectable, is
+it?&mdash;especially since the cabs and busses have druv over our
+heads. What was you put to?&mdash;you look as if you had been well
+brought up.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;My mama was own sister to
+<em>Lottery</em>, but unfortunately married a horse much below her
+in pedigree. I was the produce of that union. At five years old I
+entered the army under Ensign Dashard.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Bless me, how odd! I was bought at
+Horncastle, to serve in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found
+out I&rsquo;d a splint, and wouldn&rsquo;t have me! I say,
+ain&rsquo;t that stout woman with a fat family looking at us?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I&rsquo;m afraid she is. People of her
+grade in society are always partial to a dilatory
+shillingworth.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or
+Ludgate-hill, or Mutton-hill, or a <em>hill</em> somewhere.</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Coach!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;She&rsquo;s ahailing us! I wonder whether
+she&rsquo;s narvous? I&rsquo;ll let out with my hind leg a
+bit&mdash;(<em>kick</em>)&mdash;O Lord! the rheumatiz!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Pray don&rsquo;t. I abjure subterfuges;
+they are unworthy of a thoroughbred.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven&rsquo;t
+you just acknowledged that you were a cocktail? Thank God!
+she&rsquo;s moving on. Hallo! there&rsquo;s old Readypenny!&mdash;a
+willanous Tory.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I beg to remark that my principles are
+Conservative.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;And I beg to remark that mine
+isn&rsquo;t. I sarved Readypenny out at Westminster &lsquo;lection
+the other day. He got into our coach to go to the poll, and I
+wouldn&rsquo;t draw an inch. I warn&rsquo;t agoing to take up a
+plumper for Rous.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I declare the obese female returns.</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Coach! Hallo! Coach!</p>
+<p>WATERMAN.&mdash;Here you is, ma&rsquo;am. Kuck! kuck!
+kuck!&mdash;Come along!&mdash;(<em>Pulling the coach and
+horses</em>).</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and
+this brute will pull my head off.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Keep it on one side, and you spiles his
+purchase.</p>
+<p>WATERMAN&mdash;Come up, you old brute!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Old brute! What evidence of a low
+mind!&mdash;[<em>The stout woman and fat family ascend the steps of
+the coach</em>].</p>
+<p>COACH.&mdash;O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!&mdash;O law!
+Week! week!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Do you hear how the poor old thing&rsquo;s
+a sufferin&rsquo;?&mdash;She must feel it a good deal to have her
+squabs sat on by everybody as can pay for her. She was built by
+Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of Dorsetshire. I wonder her
+perch don&rsquo;t break&mdash;she has been crazy a long time.</p>
+<p>WATERMAN.&mdash;Snow-hill&mdash;opposite the Saracen&rsquo;s
+Head.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I know&rsquo;d it!</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Kuck! kuck!</p>
+<p>WHIP.&mdash;Whack! whack!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra
+exertion may save us from flagellation.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Well, I&rsquo;m pulling, ain&rsquo;t
+I?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I don&rsquo;t like to dispute your word;
+but&mdash;(<em>whack</em>)&mdash;Oh! that was an abrasion on my
+shoulder.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;A <em>raw</em> you mean. Who&rsquo;s not
+pulling now, I should like to know!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I couldn&rsquo;t help hopping then; you
+know what a <em>grease</em> I have in my hind leg.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Well, haven&rsquo;t I a splint and a
+corn, and ain&rsquo;t one of my fore fetlocks got a formoses, and
+my hind legs the stringhalt?</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Stop! stop!</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Whoo up!&mdash;d&mdash;n you!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;There goes my last masticator!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;And I&rsquo;m blow&rsquo;d if he
+hasn&rsquo;t jerked my head so that he&rsquo;s given me a crick in
+the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we shall save
+the hill.</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Three doors higher up.</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Chuck! chuck!</p>
+<p>WHIP.&mdash;Whack! whack!</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Come up, you varmint!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great
+Lottery! O Pegasus! what shall I come to next!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork
+sassages!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that
+I was obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant
+way of taking me by the scruff of my neck if I ain&rsquo;t pretty
+regular in my hours.</p>
+<p>Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>COURT CIRCULAR.</h3>
+<p>Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose
+services we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the
+enlightened manager of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to
+advance the interest of the drama is only equalled by his ignorance
+of the means.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined
+himself entirely to <em>stews</em>.</p>
+<p>Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the
+reception of two Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the
+infant Princess; which delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday
+next.</p>
+<p>Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
+consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the
+<em>premiership</em>?</p>
+<p>Mr. Moreton Dyer, &ldquo;<em>the amateur turner</em>,&rdquo; has
+been a frequent visitor at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is
+whispered, has been receiving lessons in the art. We are surprised
+to hear this, for we always considered his lordship a Talleyrand in
+<em>turning</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION.</h3>
+<h4>(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A &ldquo;NOTED&rdquo; TAILOR&rsquo;S
+BILL.)</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>By winter&rsquo;s chill the fragrant flower is nipp&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p class="i2">To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;</p>
+<p>The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p class="i2">A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The a&euml;rial songster moults his plumerie,</p>
+<p class="i2">To vie in sleekness with each feather&rsquo;d
+brother:</p>
+<p>A twelvemonth&rsquo;s wear hath ta&rsquo;en thy nap from
+thee,</p>
+<p class="i2">My seedy coat!&mdash;When shall I get another?</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>NOTE.&mdash;Confiding tailors are entreated to send their
+addresses, pre-paid, to PUNCH&rsquo;S office.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;None need apply who <em>refuse</em> three
+years&rsquo; acceptances. If the bills be made <em>renewable</em>,
+by agreement, &ldquo;continuations&rdquo; will be taken in any
+quantity.&mdash;FITZROY FIPS.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page6" name="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span>
+<h2>STREET POLITICS.</h2>
+<h3>A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER.</h3>
+<p>(<em>Enter</em> PUNCH.)</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?</p>
+<p>(<em>Sings.</em>)</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Wheel about and turn about,</p>
+<p class="i2">And do jes so;</p>
+<p>Ebery time I turn about,</p>
+<p class="i2">I jump Jim Crow.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky
+to-day.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Yes, yes; I&rsquo;ve been making myself as hoarse
+as a hog, bawling to the free and independent electors of Grogswill
+all the morning. They have done me the honour to elect me as their
+representative in Parliament. I&rsquo;m an M.P. now.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.</p>
+<p>THE DOG TOBY.&mdash;Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Fact, upon my honour. I&rsquo;m at this moment an
+unit in the collective stupidity of the nation.</p>
+<p>DOG TOBY.&mdash;R-r-r-r-r-r&mdash;wough&mdash;wough!</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never
+see a legislator before, that he barks at me so?</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of
+yours! Ho! ho! ho! ho!</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the
+material generally used in the manufacture of political puppets.
+There will be more blockheads than mine in St. Stephen&rsquo;s, I
+can tell you. And as for oratory, why I flatter my whiskers
+I&rsquo;ll astonish them in that line.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But on what principles did you get into
+Parliament, Mr. Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;I&rsquo;d have you know, sir, I&rsquo;m above
+having any principles but those that put money in my pocket.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;I mean on what interest did you start?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic,
+and noble feeling that a public man can entertain.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you
+have come in as a Whig or a Tory?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base,
+rascally, paltry, beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their
+policy, and&mdash;</p>
+<p>THE DOG TOBY.&mdash;Bow, wow, wough, wough!</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I
+understood you were always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the
+present Government.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as
+they supported themselves; but now that the old house is coming
+down about their ears, I turn my back on them in virtuous
+indignation, and take my seat in the opposition &lsquo;bus.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;-But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Where every politician&rsquo;s is, sir&mdash;in my
+breeches&rsquo; pocket.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;And your consistency, Mr. Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;What a green chap you are, after all. A public
+man&rsquo;s consistency! It&rsquo;s only a popular delusion, sir.
+I&rsquo;ll tell you what&rsquo;s consistency, sir. When one
+gentleman&rsquo;s <em>in</em> and won&rsquo;t come <em>out</em>,
+and when another gentleman&rsquo;s <em>out</em> and can&rsquo;t get
+<em>in</em>, and when both gentlemen persevere in their
+determination&mdash;that&rsquo;s consistency.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;I understand; but still I think it is the duty of
+every public man to&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;(<em>sings</em>)&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wheel about and turn about, And do jes so; Ebery time he
+turn about, He jumps Jim Crow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the
+Whigs are not very flattering?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;&rsquo;Tis all up with them, as the young lady
+remarked when Mr. Green and his friends left Wauxhall in the
+balloon; they haven&rsquo;t a chance. The election returns are
+against them everywhere. England deserts them&mdash;Ireland fails
+them&mdash;Scotland alone sticks with national attachment to their
+backs, like a&mdash;</p>
+<p>THE DOG TOBY.&mdash;Bow, wow, wow, wough!</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Of course, then, the Tories will take
+office&mdash;?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been
+licking their chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while
+the sneaking Whigs were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits
+within? Have they not growled and snarled all the while, and proved
+by their barking that they were the fittest guardians of the
+country? Have they not wept over the decay of our ancient and
+venerable constitution&mdash;? And have they not promised and
+vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would&mdash;Send
+round the hat.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know
+what the Tories mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the
+people cheap food?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;No, but they&rsquo;ll give them cheap drink.
+They&rsquo;ll throw open the Thames for the use of the temperance
+societies.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But if we don&rsquo;t have cheap corn, our trade
+must be destroyed, our factories will be closed, and our mills left
+idle.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;There you&rsquo;re wrong. Our tread-mills will be
+in constant work; and, though our factories should be empty, our
+prisons will be quite full.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;That&rsquo;s all very well, Mr. Punch; but the
+people will grumble a <em>leetle</em> if you starve them.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no
+idea of being grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation!
+Pooh!&mdash;I&rsquo;ve studied political economy in a workhouse,
+and I know what it means. They&rsquo;ve got a fine plan in those
+workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
+homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
+infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud
+stomachs that they object to the diet, and actually die through
+spite and villany. Oh! &rsquo;tis a dreadful world for ingratitude!
+But never mind&mdash;Send round the hat.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr.
+Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;It means&mdash;when a man has got nothing for
+breakfast, he may slide his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he
+has got nothing for lunch, he may slide that into his dinner; and
+if he labours under the same difficulties with respect to the
+dinner, he may slide all three meals into his supper.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But if the man has got no supper?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Then let him wish he may get it.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Oh! that&rsquo;s your sliding scale?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the
+suppression of victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the
+hat.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not
+be favourable to free trade?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your
+new-fangled notions that mean nothing but free plunder. I&rsquo;ll
+illustrate my position. I&rsquo;m a boy in a school, with a bag of
+apples, which, being the only apples on my form, I naturally sell
+at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling in a
+considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with
+a bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny,
+which, of course, knocks up my trade.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;D&mdash;n the community! I know of no community but
+PUNCH and Co. I&rsquo;m for centralization&mdash;and
+individualization&mdash;every man for himself, and PUNCH for us
+all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my form,
+and see how I&rsquo;ll cobb him. So now&mdash;send round the
+hat&mdash;and three cheers for</p>
+<h4>PUNCH&rsquo;S POLITICS.</h4>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.</h3>
+<h4>No. 1.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why this lonely path you seek;</p>
+<p>Every step is fraught with danger</p>
+<p class="i2">Unto one so fair and meek.</p>
+<p>Where are they that <em>should</em> protect thee</p>
+<p class="i2">In this darkling hour of doubt?</p>
+<p>Love <em>could</em> never thus neglect thee!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><em>Does your mother know you&rsquo;re out?</em></p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?</p>
+<p class="i2">Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!</p>
+<p>Sure thine heart is overladen,</p>
+<p class="i2">When each breath is fraught with sighs.</p>
+<p>Say, hath care life&rsquo;s heaven clouded,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which hope&rsquo;s stars were wont to spangle?</p>
+<p>What hath all thy gladness shrouded?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><em>Has your mother sold her mangle?</em></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE.</h3>
+<p>We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W&mdash;&mdash;,
+that, for the convenience of the public, he has put down one of his
+carriages, and given orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the
+construction of an easy and elegant <em>stretcher.</em></p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page7" name="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span>
+<h2>CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-04.png"><img src=
+"images/001-04.png" alt=
+"A series of vignettes with candidates: CANVASSING. What a love of a child THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life"
+id="img001-04" name="img001-04" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>CANVASSING. What a love of a child<br />
+THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy<br />
+THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals<br />
+THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg<br />
+THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life</p>
+</div>
+<!-- blank page [pg 8] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page9" name="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span>
+<h2>FINE ARTS.</h2>
+<p>PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists
+in general, that should the violent cold with which he has been
+from time immemorial afflicted, and which, although it has caused
+his voice to appear like an infant Lablache screaming through
+horse-hair and thistles, yet has not very materially affected him
+otherwise&mdash;should it not deprive him of existence&mdash;please
+Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every exhibition of
+modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further, that he
+will most unequivocally be down with his <em>coup de baton</em>
+upon every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.</p>
+<p>That he independently rejects the principles upon which these
+matters are generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an
+assurance: should the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer
+to paint PUNCH&rsquo;S portrait in any of the most favourite and
+fashionable styles, from the purest production of the general
+mourning school&mdash;and all performed by scissars&mdash;to the
+exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal Academy, even
+though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real carmine,
+and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH would
+not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
+landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for
+PUNCH&mdash;none of your insinuating cabinet gems&mdash;no
+Art-<em>ful</em> Union system of doing things&mdash;Hopkins to
+praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for another&mdash;and as
+PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen corners, and,
+notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to screen
+it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little
+affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in
+front of his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time,
+to prove that PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of
+pseudo-criticism, he has prepared the following description of the
+private view of either the Royal Academy or the Suffolk-street
+Gallery, or the British Institution, for 1842, for the lovers of
+this very light style of reading; and to make it as truly
+applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection
+or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner
+practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be
+exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what
+strict attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an
+intimate knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to
+displays, and with what consummate skill he blends those
+peculiarities, the reader will have the kindness to attach the
+criticism to either of the works (hereunder catalogued) most
+agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that this is a
+thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft
+anointment.</p>
+<table summary="Unerring Comments For Paintings" style=
+"width: 75%; margin: 0 0 0 10%;">
+<tr>
+<td colspan="2">
+<h3>THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY:</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the miscreant who
+attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath.</td>
+<td rowspan="5" style=
+"width:50%;padding-left:1em; border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">
+The head is extremely well painted, and the light and shade
+distributed with the artist's usual judgement.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">VALENTINE VERMILION.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of His Majesty the King
+of Hanover.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the boy who got into
+Buckingham Palace.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">GEOFFERY GLAZEM.</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:center;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">OR
+THUS:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Lord John
+Russell.</td>
+<td rowspan="5" style=
+"padding-left:1em;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">An
+admirable likeness of the original, and executed with that breadth
+and clearness so apparent in this clever painter's works.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of W. Grumbletone,
+Esq., in the character of Joseph Surface.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">PETER PALETTE.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Sir Robert Peel</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:center;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">OR
+THUS:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the Empress of
+Russia.</td>
+<td rowspan="6" style=
+"padding-left:1em;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">A
+well-drawn and brilliantly painted portrait, calculated to sustain
+the fame already gained by this our favourite painter.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">VANDYKE BROWN.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the infant
+Princess.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Mary Mumblegums,
+aged 170 years.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td colspan="2" style="padding-top:2em;">
+<h3>THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">The Death of Abel.</td>
+<td rowspan="9" style=
+"width:50%;padding-left:1em; border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">
+This picture is well arranged and coloured with much truth to
+nature; the chiaro-scuro is admirably managed.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">MICHAEL McGUELP.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Dead Game.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Vesuvius in Eruption.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">CHARLES CARMINE, R.A.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portraits of Mrs. Punch and
+Child.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">R.W. BUSS.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Cattle returning from the
+Watering Place.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">R. BOLLOCK.</td>
+<td rowspan="2" style=
+"text-align:center;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">OR
+THUS:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">"We won't go home till
+Morning."</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">M. WATERFORD, R.H.S.</td>
+<td rowspan="9" style=
+"width:50%;padding-left:1em; border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">
+This is one of the cleverest productions in the Exhibition; there
+is a transparency in the shadows equal to Rembrandt.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">The infant Cupid sleeping.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">R. DADD.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Lord
+Palmerston.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">A.L.L. UPTON.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Coast Scene: Smugglers on the
+look out.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">H. PARKER.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Captain Rous,
+M.P.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">J. WOOD.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a
+little too oily, they can easily add such a tag as the
+following:&mdash;&ldquo;In our humble judgment, a little more
+delicacy of handling would not be altogether out of place;&rdquo;
+or, &ldquo;Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we
+recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing
+previous productions by the same.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3>FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED:</h3>
+<p>This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see
+the vigour of handling and smartness of conception formerly
+apparent in his works: or, &ldquo;A little stricter attention to
+drawing, as well as composition, would render this artist&rsquo;s
+works more recommendatory.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3>THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED:</h3>
+<p>Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately:
+&ldquo;A perfect daub, possessing not one single quality necessary
+to create even the slightest interest&mdash;a disgrace to the
+Exhibition&mdash;who allowed such a wretched production to disgrace
+these walls?&mdash;woefully out of drawing, and as badly
+coloured,&rdquo; and such like.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS.</h2>
+<h3>BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,</p>
+<p>For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost
+everywhere;</p>
+<p>And the blazing red of my beadle&rsquo;s coat is turning to pink
+through fear,</p>
+<p>Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time
+about the end of the year.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent
+portico</p>
+<p>Of Somerset House, that I don&rsquo;t know what I should do if I
+was for to go!</p>
+<p>What the electors are at, I can&rsquo;t make out, upon my
+soul,</p>
+<p>For it&rsquo;s a law of natur&rsquo; that the <em>whig</em>
+should be atop of the <em>poll</em>.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve had a snug berth of it here for some time, and
+don&rsquo;t want to cut the connexion;</p>
+<p>But they <em>do</em> say the Whigs must go out, because
+they&rsquo;ve NO OTHER ELECTION;</p>
+<p>What they mean by that, I <em>don&rsquo;t</em> know, for
+ain&rsquo;t they been electioneering&mdash;</p>
+<p>That is, they&rsquo;ve been canvassing, and spouting, and
+pledging, and ginning, and beering.</p>
+<p>Hasn&rsquo;t Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and
+Lord John Russell,</p>
+<p>For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one
+alarming <em>bussel</em>?</p>
+<p>Ain&rsquo;t the two <em>first</em> retired into private
+life&mdash;(that&rsquo;s the genteel for being rejected)?</p>
+<p>And what&rsquo;s more, the <em>last</em> four, strange to say,
+have all been elected.</p>
+<p>Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his
+coat collar,</p>
+<p>Hav&rsquo;n&rsquo;t they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he
+could beat them <em>Hollar</em>?</p>
+<p>Then at Lambeth, ain&rsquo;t Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been
+both on &lsquo;em bottled</p>
+<p>By Mr. D&rsquo;Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and
+mottled!</p>
+<p>And hasn&rsquo;t Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore
+Napier,</p>
+<p>Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any
+chap queer?</p>
+<p>Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a <em>Cleave</em>-r for
+Marrowbone looks cranky,</p>
+<p>Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out &ldquo;<em>No
+Sankee?</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Then South&rsquo;ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B.
+Wood,</p>
+<p>Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his
+duty&mdash;he would!</p>
+<p>Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson,
+find that they&rsquo;re in the wrong box,</p>
+<p>For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly
+followed the Fox;</p>
+<p>Whilst Westminster&rsquo;s chosen Rous&mdash;not Rouse of the
+Eagle&mdash;tho&rsquo; I once seed a</p>
+<p>Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a
+<em>goose</em>, along with a Leda.</p>
+<p>And hasn&rsquo;t Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A&rsquo;Court been down
+to Tamworth to be reseated?</p>
+<p>They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such
+fatigue, for its always&mdash;ditto repeated.</p>
+<p>Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
+considerable fume,</p>
+<p>Who finds it no go, though he&rsquo;s added up the poll-books
+several times with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.</p>
+<p>So if there&rsquo;s been <em>no other election</em>, I should
+like to find out</p>
+<p>What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and
+blackguarding, losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every
+other <em>et cetera</em>, has been about!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Black bottles at Brighton,</p>
+<p class="i2">To darken your fame;</p>
+<p>Black Sundays at Hounslow,</p>
+<p class="i2">To add to your shame.</p>
+<p>Black balls at the club,</p>
+<p class="i2">Show Lord Hill&rsquo;s growing duller:</p>
+<p>He should change your command</p>
+<p class="i2">To the <em>guards</em> of that colour.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page10" name="page10"></a>[pg
+10]</span>
+<h2>ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH
+LANGUAGE.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-05.png"><img src=
+"images/001-05.png" alt="A man thumbing his nose" id="img001-05"
+name="img001-05" width="25%" /></a></div>
+<p>English&mdash;it has been remarked a thousand and odd
+times&mdash;is one of the few languages which is unaccompanied with
+gesticulation. Your veritable Englishman, in his discourse, is as
+chary as your genuine Frenchman is prodigal, of action. The one
+speaks like an oracle, the other like a telegraph.</p>
+<p>Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation,
+with his hands fast locked in his breeches&rsquo; pocket, and his
+features as calm as a horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the
+<em>debut</em> of the new <em>danseuse</em>, with several kisses on
+the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left side of his
+satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two shoulders,
+like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.</p>
+<p>The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The
+deficiency of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of
+that prudence which is so marked a feature of the English
+character. Mr. Brown, perhaps, objects to using two means to attain
+his end when one is sufficient, and consequently looks upon all
+gesticulation during conversation as a wicked waste of physical
+labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of Pol. Econ.
+has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in
+pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much
+money in the dirt&mdash;a crime which he regards as second in
+depravity only to that of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many
+years back, we were a nation of shopkeepers; and time seems to have
+increased, rather than diminished, our devotion to the ledger. Gold
+has become our sole standard of excellence. We measure a
+man&rsquo;s respectability by his banker&rsquo;s account, and mete
+out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very
+nobility is a nobility of the breeches&rsquo; pocket; and the
+highest personage in the realm&mdash;her most gracious
+Majesty&mdash;the most gracious Majesty of 500,000<em>l</em>. per
+annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial people like the
+Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage should be
+thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like
+ourselves, it is equally natural that a man&rsquo;s worthiness
+should be computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this
+commercial spirit, which, for the reason before assigned, is
+opposed to the introduction of pantomime among us; and it is
+therefore to this spirit that we would appeal, in our endeavours to
+supply a deficiency which we cannot but look upon as a national
+misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a cold-blooded race
+of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all our wants are
+satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for the
+benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is
+coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their
+appearance amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly
+confined to that class upon whose manners politeness places little
+or no restraint&mdash;barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as
+the book of etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very
+reason, such a change would naturally first begin to show itself:)
+yet do we trust, by pointing out to the more refined portion of the
+&ldquo;British public,&rdquo; the advantage that must necessarily
+accrue from the general cultivation of the art of pantomime, by
+proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively tedious
+operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a
+far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of
+time, and that with a saving of one-half the muscular
+exertion&mdash;a point so perfectly consonant with the present
+prevailing desire for cheap and rapid communication&mdash;that we
+say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher classes to look
+upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of expression,
+but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the most
+polite and useful of all accomplishments.</p>
+<div class="figleft"><a href="images/001-06.png"><img src=
+"images/001-06.png" alt="A man winking" id="img001-06" name=
+"img001-06" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p>But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all
+their comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in
+the first place, say a few words on language in general.</p>
+<p>It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language
+among men&mdash;the written and the spoken: whereas it follows,
+from the very nature of language itself, that there must
+necessarily be as many modes of conveying our impressions to our
+fellow-creatures, as there are senses or modes of receiving
+impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses and five
+languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the
+gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and
+literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language,
+may be cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince&rsquo;s Mixture
+to a stranger, or a bottle of &ldquo;Bouquet du Roi&rdquo; to a
+fair acquaintance; both of which are but forms of expressing to
+them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an organ but little
+cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it is,
+therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that
+which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to
+be imbibed with our mother&rsquo;s milk. What words can speak
+affection to the child like elecampane&mdash;what language assures
+us of the remembrance of an absent friend like a brace of
+wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the eloquence of dinners?
+A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these to all guests
+the very emblems of esteem&mdash;and turtle, venison, and
+champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a
+particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration
+of the genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be
+conveyed so fitly as in a public dinner? or if a candidate be
+anxious to convince the &ldquo;free and independent electors&rdquo;
+of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for the
+commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the
+general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth
+and last species of language, innumerable instances might be
+quoted. All understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and
+caresses&mdash;between being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked
+rapidly down stairs. Who, however ignorant, could look upon the
+latter as a compliment? or what fair maiden, however simple, would
+require a master to teach her how to construe a gentle compression
+of her fingers at parting, or a tender pressure of her toe under
+the dinner table?</p>
+<p>Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining
+to man. There is, however, one other&mdash;that which forms the
+subject of the present article&mdash;Pantomime, and which may be
+considered as the natural form of the visible
+language&mdash;literature being taken as the artificial. This is
+the most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the
+earliest, as it is the most intuitive&mdash;the smiles and frowns
+of the mother being the first signs understood by the infant.
+Indeed, if we consider for a moment that all existence is but a
+Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin, changing to-day into
+yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age, and life into
+death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets of the
+scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art
+which constitutes the very essence of existence itself.
+&ldquo;Speech,&rdquo; says Talleyrand, that profound political
+pantomimist, &ldquo;was given to <em>conceal</em> our
+thoughts;&rdquo; and truly this is the chief use to which it is
+applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words.
+Let but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand
+desideratum must be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates,
+instead of being able, as now, to become legislators by simply
+professing to be patriots, will be placed in the awkward
+predicament of having first to <em>act</em> as such; and that the
+clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the mere
+preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a
+portion to charitable purposes, and <em>practise</em> it.</p>
+<p>Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold
+advantages of this beautiful art shall be generally known, it
+cannot fail of becoming the principle of universal communication.
+Nor do we despair of ultimately finding the elegant Lord A. avowing
+his love for the beautiful Miss B., by gently closing one of his
+eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that doubt and
+incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of
+&ldquo;Love&rsquo;s young dream,&rdquo; by a gentle indication with
+the dexter hand over the sinister shoulder.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-07.png"><img src=
+"images/001-07.png" alt=
+"A man laying a finger aside of his nose, and another with a thumbs-up"
+id="img001-07" name="img001-07" width="50%" /></a></div>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN.</h3>
+<p>An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen&rsquo;s
+Bench against Mr. Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a
+person named Clark, in wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other
+refreshments, during a contest for the representation of the
+borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who it appears was
+chairman of Mr. Walter&rsquo;s committee, swore that <em>every
+thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him.</em> By a
+remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this
+tippling case was <em>Mr. Lush.</em></p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page11" name="page11"></a>[pg
+11]</span>
+<h2>AN ODE.</h2>
+<h3>PICKED UP IN KILLPACK&rsquo;S DIVAN.</h3>
+<h4>Cum notis variorum.</h4>
+<blockquote class="note">&ldquo;Excise Court.&mdash;An information
+was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling spirituous liquor. Mr.
+James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that there was a club
+held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was treasurer, and many
+others of the theatrical profession were members, and that they had
+a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined &pound;5 in
+each case.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Observer</em></blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<h6>INVOCATION.</h6>
+<p>Assist, ye jocal nine<sup>1</sup>,<span class="sidenote">1.
+&ldquo;Ye jocal nine,&rdquo; a happy modification of &ldquo;Ye
+vocal nine.&rdquo; The nine here so classically invocated are
+manifestly nine of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1.
+Mr. D&mdash;s J&mdash;d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer
+and store-keeper. 3. Mr. G&mdash;e S&mdash;h, sub-ed.
+J&mdash;&mdash; B&mdash;&mdash;. 4. Mr. B&mdash;d, Mem. Dram.
+Author&rsquo;s Society. 5. C&mdash;s S&mdash;y, ditto. 6. Mr.
+C&mdash;e. 7. Mr. C&mdash;s, T&mdash;s, late of the firm of
+T&mdash;s and P&mdash;t. 8. Mr. J&mdash;e A&mdash;n, Mem. Soc.
+British Artists. 9, and lastly, &ldquo;though not least,&rdquo; the
+author of &ldquo;You loved me not in happier days.&rdquo;</span>
+inspire my soul!</p>
+<p>(Waiter! a go of Brett&rsquo;s best alcohol,</p>
+<p>A light, and one of Killpack&rsquo;s mild Havannahs).</p>
+<p>Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas</p>
+<p>I sing of what we were&mdash;of what we <em>now</em> are.</p>
+<p class="i4">Wildly let me rave,</p>
+<p class="i4">To imprecate the knave</p>
+<p>Whose curious <em>information</em> turned our porter sour,</p>
+<p>Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)</p>
+<p class="i6">Brown,</p>
+<p class="i6">Down</p>
+<p>Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;</p>
+<p>Changing, despite our <em>belle esprit</em>, at one fell
+<em>swop</em>,</p>
+<p>Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<h6>ODE.</h6>
+<p>Then little Bob arose,</p>
+<p class="i4">And doff&rsquo;d his clothes,</p>
+<p>Exclaiming, &ldquo;Momus! Stuff!</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve played him long enough,&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,</p>
+<p>Behold me ready <em>dressed</em> to play young Bacchus.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-08.png"><img src=
+"images/001-08.png" alt=
+"Bacchus straddling a barrel marked 'Best British Brandy Not Permitted'"
+id="img001-08" name="img001-08" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p class="i2">He said<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2.
+&ldquo;He said.&rdquo;&mdash;Deeply imbued with the style of the
+most polished of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit
+in some passages an imitation of it which might be considered
+pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The literal
+rendering of the &lsquo;<em>dixit</em>&rsquo; of the ancient
+epicists, strikes us as being eitremely forcible
+here.&mdash;PUNCH.</span> his legs the barrel span,</p>
+<p class="i2">And thus the Covent Garden god began;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;GENTLEMEN,&mdash;I am&mdash;ahem&mdash;!&mdash;I beg your
+pardon,</p>
+<p>But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden&mdash;</p>
+<p>No, I don&rsquo;t mean that, I mean to say,</p>
+<p>That if we were&mdash;ahem!&mdash;to pay</p>
+<p>So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of
+&lsquo;Hear!&rsquo;]</p>
+<p>Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;</p>
+<p>In short, <em>small</em> duty pay on all we sup&mdash;</p>
+<p>Ahem!&mdash;you understand&mdash;I give it up.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i4">The speech was ended,</p>
+<p class="i4">And Bob descended.</p>
+<p>The club was formed. A spicy club it was&mdash;</p>
+<p>Especially on Saturdays; because</p>
+<p>They dined extr&rsquo;ordinary cheap at five o&rsquo;clock:</p>
+<p>When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.</p>
+<p>Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court
+gazetteers&mdash;</p>
+<p>Odd fellows all&mdash;<em>odder</em> than all their club
+compeers.</p>
+<p>Some were sub-editors, others reporters,</p>
+<p>And more <em>illuminati</em>, joke-importers.</p>
+<p class="i4">The club was heterogen&rsquo;ous</p>
+<p class="i4">By strangers seen as</p>
+<p>A refuge for destitute <em>bons mots</em>&mdash;</p>
+<p><em>D&eacute;p&ocirc;t</em> for leaden jokes and pewter
+pots;</p>
+<p>Repertory for gin and <em>jeux d&rsquo;esprit</em>,</p>
+<p>Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;</p>
+<p>Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;</p>
+<p>Gall&rsquo;ry for Tomkins and
+Pitt-icisms;<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3. A play-bill
+reminiscence, viz. &ldquo;The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins and
+Pitt.&rdquo;&mdash;THE AUTHORS OF &ldquo;BUT,
+HOWEVER.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p>Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;</p>
+<p>In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,</p>
+<p class="i4">Hear me while I say</p>
+<p class="i4">&ldquo;<em>Donnez-moi du frenzy, s&rsquo;il vous
+plait!</em>&rdquo;<sup>4</sup><span class="sidenote">4.
+&ldquo;Donnez-moi,&rdquo; &amp;c.&mdash;The classics of all
+countries are aptly drawn upon by the universal erudition of our
+bard. A fine parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel&rsquo;s
+starving author: &ldquo;La Gloire&mdash;donnez-moi do
+pain!&rdquo;&mdash;FENWICK DE PORQUET.</span></p>
+<p>Give me a most tremendous fit</p>
+<p>Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or deep anathema,</p>
+<p class="i4">Fatal as J&mdash;d&rsquo;s bah!</p>
+<p>To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.</p>
+<p>May genial gin no more delight <em>their</em>
+throttles&mdash;</p>
+<p><em>Their</em> casks grow leaky, bottomless <em>their</em>
+bottles;</p>
+<p>May smugglers <em>run</em>, and they ne&rsquo;er make a
+seizure;</p>
+<p>May <em>they</em>&mdash;I&rsquo;ll curse them further at my
+leisure.</p>
+<p class="i4">But for our club,</p>
+<p class="i4">&ldquo;Ay, there&rsquo;s the rub.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We mourn it dead in its father&rsquo;s
+halls:&rdquo;<sup>5</sup><span class="sidenote">5. &ldquo;They
+mourn it dead,&rdquo; &amp;c.&mdash;A pretty, but perhaps too
+literal allusion to a popular song&mdash;J.
+RODWELL.</span>&mdash;</p>
+<p>The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;</p>
+<p class="i4">No stuffing there,</p>
+<p class="i4">Not even in a chair;</p>
+<p>The spirits are all <em>ex</em>(or)<em>cised</em>,</p>
+<p>The coffee-cups capsized,</p>
+<p>The coffee <em>fine</em>-d, the snuff all taken,</p>
+<p>The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:</p>
+<p>The utter ruin of the club&rsquo;s achieven&mdash;</p>
+<p>Our very chess-boards are ex-<em>chequered</em> even.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Where is our club?&rdquo;
+X&mdash;sighs,<sup>6</sup><span class="sidenote">6.
+&ldquo;X&mdash;sighs.&rdquo;&mdash;Who &ldquo;X&rdquo; may happen
+to be we have not the remotest idea. But who would not forgive a
+little mystification for so brilliant a pun?&mdash;THE GHOST OF
+PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</span> and with a stare</p>
+<p>Like to another echo, answers &ldquo;Where?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>MR. HUME.</h3>
+<p>We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from
+his parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the
+neighbourhood of the House of Commons, for the instruction of
+members only, in the principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to
+remedy in some measure his own absence from the Finance Committees,
+he is now engaged in preparing a Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We
+heartily wish him success.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;PRIVATE.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is
+intended to confer the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord
+Clanwilliam. It would be difficult to select an individual more
+<em>peculiarly</em> fitted for the situation than his lordship,
+whose <em>love of letters</em> is notorious in the Carlton
+Club.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Extract from an Intercepted Letter.</em></p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE
+AMENDS?&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if
+their party should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour
+to conciliate the Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former
+opponents. We have no doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity
+of the step, and would feel grateful for support from any quarter;
+but we much doubt the practicability of the measure. It would
+indeed he a strange sight to see Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two
+great leaders of the opposition engines, with their followers,
+meeting amicably on the floor of the House of Commons. In our
+opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the result of
+these</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-09.png"><img src=
+"images/001-09.png" alt=
+"Four trains meeting at an intersection with bodies strewn about."
+id="img001-09" name="img001-09" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page12" name="page12"></a>[pg
+12]</span>
+<h2>THE DRAMA.</h2>
+<p>The &ldquo;star system&rdquo; has added another victim to the
+many already sacrificed to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps,
+an actor whose personation of <em>Macduff</em>, the <em>Hunchback,
+Jaques</em>, &amp;c., would have procured for him in former times
+no mean position, has been compelled to secede from the Haymarket
+Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the continual
+sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one to
+whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The
+part assigned to Mr. Phelps (<em>Friar Lawrence</em>) requires an
+actor of considerable powers, and under the old
+<em>r&eacute;gime</em> would have deteriorated nothing from Mr.
+Phelps&rsquo; position; but we can understand the motives which
+influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the practice of
+actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr.
+Phelps&rsquo; opposition to this ruinous system of
+&ldquo;starring&rdquo; as commendable and manly. The real cause of
+the decline of the drama is the upholding of this system. The
+&ldquo;stars&rdquo; are paid so enormously, and cost so much to
+maintain them in their false position, that the manager cannot
+afford (supposing the disposition to exist) to pay the working
+portion of his company salaries commensurate with their usefulness,
+or compatible with the appearance they are expected to maintain out
+of the theatre; whilst opportunities of testing their powers as
+actors, or of improving any favourable impression they may have
+made upon the public, is denied to them, from the fear that the
+influence of the greater, because more fortunate actor, may be
+diminished thereby. These facts are now so well known, that men of
+education are deterred from making the stage a profession, and
+consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to this
+cause.</p>
+<p>The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be
+attributable to this absurd and destructive system. The
+&ldquo;star&rdquo; must be considered alone in the construction of
+the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to measure, the
+actor, <em>par excellence</em>, must be the arbiter of the
+author&rsquo;s creation. Writers are thus deterred from making
+experiments in the higher order of dramatic writing, for should
+their subject admit of this individual display, its rejection by
+the &ldquo;star&rdquo; would render the labour of months valueless,
+and the dramatist, driven from the path of fame, degenerates into a
+literary drudge, receiving for his wearying labour a lesser
+remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the
+pecuniary monopoly of the &ldquo;star.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to
+the stage. The public had formerly <em>many</em> favourites,
+because all had an opportunity of contending for their
+favour&mdash;now they have only Mr. A. or Mrs. B., who must
+ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it may, as the
+sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually sounded,
+although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
+charm of the melody.</p>
+<p>We have made these remarks divested of any personal
+consideration. We quarrel only with the system that we believe to
+be unjust and injurious to an art which we reverence.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VAUXHALL.&mdash;Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and
+corporeal!&mdash;Elysium of illumination lamps!&mdash;Paradise of
+Simpson!&mdash;we have been permitted once again to breathe your
+oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast of impalpable
+ham and invisible chicken&mdash;to join in the eruption of
+exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories&mdash;to swallow thy
+mysterious arrack and</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-10.png"><img src=
+"images/001-10.png" alt="A jester wearing a toga" id="img001-10"
+name="img001-10" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.</p>
+</div>
+<p>We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit
+his six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head&mdash;we have
+roved again amid those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years
+ago,</p>
+<p style="text-align:center;">&ldquo;We met the daylight after
+seven hours&rsquo; sitting.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was
+not Vauxhall: the G R&rsquo;s were V R&rsquo;s&mdash;the cocked
+hats were round hats&mdash;the fiddlers were foreigners&mdash;the
+Rotunda was Astley&rsquo;s&mdash;the night was moon-shiny&mdash;and
+there was not&mdash;our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
+fact&mdash;there was not &ldquo;Simpson&rdquo; to exclaim,
+&ldquo;Welcome to the royal property!&rdquo; Urbane M.A.C., wouldst
+that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou doubtlessly be
+gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge of time
+the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name
+immortal&mdash;Peace to thy manes!</p>
+<p>STRAND.&mdash;The enterprising managers of this elegant little
+theatre have produced another mythological drama, called &ldquo;The
+Frolics of the Fairies; or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle,&rdquo;
+from the pen of Leman Rede, who is, without doubt, the first of
+this class of writers. The indisposition of Mr. Hall was stated to
+be the cause of the delay in the production of this piece; out,
+from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it arose
+from the <em>indisposition</em> of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the
+same hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and
+&ldquo;a gem of the first water&rdquo; she proved herself to be on
+Wednesday night. It would be useless to enter into the detail of
+the plot of an ephemeron, that depends more upon its quips and
+cranks than dramatic construction for its success. It abounds in
+merry conceits, which that merriest of&mdash;dare we call her mere
+woman?&mdash;little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel
+needle of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of
+the stage reflect the highest credit on the management, and the
+industry which can labour to surmount the difficulties which we
+know to exist in the production of anything like scenic effect in
+the Strand Theatre, deserve the encouragement which we were
+gratified to see bestowed upon this little Temple of Momus.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence
+from the Lord Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company
+selected from Ducrow&rsquo;s late establishment; but whether the
+<em>peds</em> are <em>bi</em> or <em>quadru</em>, rumour sayeth
+not.</p>
+<h5>A CARD.</h5>
+<p>MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of
+tales in general, that they supply <em>d&eacute;nouements</em> to
+unfinished stories, on the most reasonable terms. They have just
+completed a large stock of catastrophes, to which they respectfully
+solicit attention.</p>
+<h5>FOR MELO-DRAMA.</h5>
+<p>Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.</p>
+<p>Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and
+reward of virtue.</p>
+<h5>FOR FARCES.</h5>
+<p>Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers,
+&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h5>FOR COMEDIES.</h5>
+<p>Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of
+fortune.</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.</p>
+<p>Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former
+by latter.</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, very fine, &ldquo;with convenient cordial,&rdquo;
+and true gentlemen, illustrated by an old <em>debauchee</em>.</p>
+<p>N.B.&mdash;On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting
+parricides, strongly recommended for Surrey use.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h5>WHY AND BECAUSE.</h5>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Young Kean&rsquo;s a bad cigar&mdash;because</p>
+<p>The more he&rsquo;s puff&rsquo;d, the worse he draws.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>A new farce, entitled &ldquo;My Friend the Captain,&rdquo; is to
+be produced tonight, at the Haymarket Theatre.</p>
+<p>MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on
+Monday next. We are happy to see that this very deserving
+actor&rsquo;s professional brethren are coming forward to lend him
+that assistance which he has always been ready to afford to
+others.</p>
+<h5>TO MRS. H.</h5>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,</p>
+<p>No wonder men run after thee;</p>
+<p>There&rsquo;s something in a name, perhaps,</p>
+<p>For <em>Honey&rsquo;s</em> often good for <em>chaps</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a
+very chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the
+taste of Mr. Davidge&rsquo;s patrons. How they have tolerated
+Wilson, Leffler, and Miss Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss
+to divine. It must be, that &ldquo;music hath charms.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not
+the Rous who was lately returned for Westminster.</p>
+<h5>THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA
+MELO-DRAMA.</h5>
+<p><em>Berthelda</em>.&mdash;Sanguine, you have killed your
+<em>mother</em>!!!</p>
+<p><em>Fruitwoman</em>.&mdash;Any apples, oranges, biscuits,
+ginger-beer!</p>
+<p>(<em>Curtain falls</em>.)</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.</h3>
+<p>We give the following list of qualifications for a member of
+parliament for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from
+a handbill very liberally distributed by Captain Rons&rsquo;s
+party, during the late contest:&mdash;</p>
+<p>1st. Because &ldquo;he is <em>brother to the Earl</em> of
+Stradbroke.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>2nd. Because &ldquo;his <em>family</em> have always been hearty
+Conservatives.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>3rd. Because &ldquo;they have been established in
+<em>Suffolk</em> from the time of the
+<em>Heptarchy</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>4th. Because &ldquo;he entered the navy in 1808.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>5th. Because &ldquo;he <em>brought home Lord Aylmer</em> in the
+Pique, in 1835.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>6th. Because &ldquo;he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of
+Belleisle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>7th. Because &ldquo;after beating there for eleven hours, he got
+her off again.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>8th. Because &ldquo;he brought her into Portsmouth without a
+rudder or forefoot, lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate
+of two feet per hour!&rdquo; ergo, he is the fittest man for the
+representative of Westminster.&mdash;Q.E.D.</p>
+<h3>THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.</h3>
+<p>LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the
+gallant member to &ldquo;go the whole hog.&rdquo; This is natural
+advice from a <em>thorough bore</em> like his lordship.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13639 ***</div>
+</body>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
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+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #13639 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13639)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1, July 17, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: October 5, 2004 [EBook #13639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 17, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MORAL OF PUNCH.
+
+As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your society, we
+think it right that you should know something of our character and
+intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have misled you into a
+belief that we have no other intention than the amusement of a thoughtless
+crowd, and the collection of pence. We have a higher object. Few of the
+admirers of our prototype, merry Master PUNCH, have looked upon his
+vagaries but as the practical outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth.
+We have considered him as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have,
+therefore, adopted him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant
+instruction. When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley,
+flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in time with
+his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the attention and
+admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver puppetry have passed
+before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their adornments of coloured and
+lustrous gems, have bound the brow of infamy as well as that of honour--a
+mockery to both; as though virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment
+of its own high purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the
+forgetfulness of its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded
+coaches have glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and
+shouts of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often,
+the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy frothiness of
+those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in the market-place, and
+found their reward in the sycophancy of a degraded constituency, or the
+patronage of a venal ministry--no matter of what creed, for party
+_must_ destroy patriotism.
+
+The noble in his robes and coronet--the beadle in his gaudy livery of
+scarlet, and purple, and gold--the dignitary in the fulness of his
+pomp--the demagogue in the triumph of his hollowness--these and other
+visual and oral cheats by which mankind are cajoled, have passed in review
+before us, conjured up by the magic wand of PUNCH.
+
+How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with the bell,
+besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of him! The moment
+that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to forget the existence of
+his annoyance, and, carolling the mellifluous numbers of _Jim Crow_,
+or some other strain of equal beauty, makes the most of the present,
+regardless of the past or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his
+persecutions, PUNCH boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the
+victor. All have a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few,
+the philosophy of PUNCH!
+
+We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies. PUNCH is (and
+we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in principle, and somewhat of
+a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at times harsh and ungentlemanly to
+Mrs. P.
+
+  "Eve of a land that still is Paradise,
+  Italian beauty!"
+
+But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too much to
+expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we repudiate such
+principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own, and a little
+Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties; but we fearlessly aver
+that we never threw him out of window, nor belaboured the lady with a
+stick--even of the size allowed by law.
+
+There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it always
+saddens us--we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is true, sings in
+durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling with the song. We are
+advocates for the _correction_ of offenders; but how many generous
+and kindly beings are there pining within the walls of a prison, whose
+only crimes are poverty and misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and
+appear jocund, but the _heart_ can ever hear the ring of the bars.
+
+We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling out his
+music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but we felt sickened
+with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our thought, the free
+minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into the blue caverns of the
+heavens, with the bird to whom the world was circumscribed. May the time
+soon arrive, when every prison shall be a palace of the mind--when we
+shall seek to instruct and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated
+education by example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has
+almost germinated into reason. Man _has_ reason, why not give him
+intelligence?
+
+We now come to the last great lesson of our motley teacher--the gallows!
+that accursed tree which has its _root_ in injuries. How clearly
+PUNCH exposes the fallacy of that dreadful law which authorises the
+destruction of life! PUNCH sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not?
+Where is the divine injunction against the shedder of man's blood to rest?
+None _can_ answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At other
+times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy the
+principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the good, and the
+gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is now a jest.
+
+We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry and wise--
+
+  "And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,
+  What, after all, are all things but a show!"--_Byron._
+
+As on the stage of PUNCH'S theatre, many characters appear to fill up the
+interstices of the more important story, so our pages will be interspersed
+with trifles that have no other object than the moment's approbation--an
+end which will never be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the
+evanescent smile of a harmless satire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable
+_hard-bake_ houses in the metropolis. The firm had been speculating
+considerably in "Prince Albert's Rock," and this is said to have been the
+rock they have ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest
+sufferers. One of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a
+deposit on some _tom-trot_, which the house had promised to supply on
+the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of other
+transactions of a similar character.
+
+Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece and some
+halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an individual, who, if he
+had only chosen to walk with it into the market, might have produced a
+very alarming effect on some minor description of securities. Cherries
+were taken very freely at twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a
+shade lower than yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of
+tallow all the week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown
+a still further gloom upon rushlights.
+
+The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match market
+into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem destined to undergo
+a still further depression. This state of things was rendered worse
+towards the close of the day, by a large holder of the last-named article
+unexpectedly throwing an immense quantity into the market, which went off
+rapidly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOMETHING WARLIKE.
+
+Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces, the usual
+mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that cannot be
+clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen scroll, on which is
+painted, in large letters, the sentence necessary to be known. It so
+happened that a number of these scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of
+the grand spectacles at Astley's Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other
+lumber in the property-room, until the late destructive fire which
+occurred there. On that night, the wife of one of the stage-assistants--a
+woman of portly dimensions--was aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire,
+and in her confusion, being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid
+hold of one of these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed
+into the street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive
+back view, with the words, "BOMBARD THE CITADEL," inscribed in legible
+characters upon her singular drapery.
+
+
+HUME'S TERMINOLOGY.
+
+Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he will never
+make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives. Indeed, he proposes
+to expunge the term from the English language, and to substitute that
+which is applied to, his own party. In writing to a friend, that "after
+the inflammatory character of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite
+supererogatory for me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory
+measures will be rendered nugatory," he thus expressed himself:--"After
+the inflamma_whig_ character of the ora_whig_ of the nominees of
+the Carlton Club, it is quite supereroga_whig_ for me to state (it
+being no_whig_ous) that all concilia_whig_ measures will be
+rendered nuga_whig_."
+
+
+NATIVE SWALLOWS.
+
+A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that there is an
+almost total absence of swallows this summer in England. Had the writer
+been present at some of the election dinners lately, he must have
+confessed that a greater number of active swallows has rarely been
+observed congregated in any one year.
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE TO "PUNCH."
+
+My dear PUNCH,--Seeing in the "Court Circular" of the Morning Herald an
+account of a General Goblet as one of the guests of her Majesty, I beg to
+state, that till I saw that announcement, I was not aware of any other
+_general gobble it_ than myself at the Palace.
+
+Yours, truly,    MELBOURN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A RAILROAD NOVEL
+
+DEAR PUNCH,--I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat in the
+Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young
+gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his
+travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the
+full regulation size, and with intense interest commence the first volume
+at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away
+started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a
+butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as
+we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as
+we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by
+Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury--I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking
+a pinch of snuff--lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and
+I had scarcely time to say, "God bless us," till I found we had reached
+Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my
+reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid journey,
+and to devise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as
+my fellow-traveller. "Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the
+age of steam? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow
+Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
+auction bill?" Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a
+novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be
+retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of
+speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in
+preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
+names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning
+home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had
+written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady
+or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
+through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train
+running from London to Birmingham.
+
+I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing
+possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads,
+tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at
+the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my
+invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I
+shall instantly apply for a patent.
+
+
+SPECIMEN.
+
+
+CLARE GREY:
+
+A NOVEL.
+
+
+"Brief let me be."
+
+LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.
+
+1841.
+
+
+VOL. I.
+
+Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops,
+&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom
+ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom,
+and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's
+schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas,
+crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper),
+slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom
+serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from
+garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love
+is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the
+calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom
+caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty
+mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--Seven pages of
+sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart--Pshaw!--Never mind--
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"]
+
+
+VOL. II.
+
+"Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death or
+glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy, eternal
+truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes her eyes in
+cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel
+fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash,
+dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot
+work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say
+die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one
+eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love, hope, and
+Clare Grey--
+
+[Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.]
+
+
+VOL. III.
+
+"Here we are!"--At home once more--Old friends and old faces--Must be
+changed--Nobody knows him--Church bells ringing--Inquire
+cause--(?)--Wedding--Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker--Brain
+whirls--Eyes start from sockets--Devils and hell--Clare Grey, the fond,
+constant, Clare, a jilt?--Can't be--No go--Stump up to church--Too
+true--Clare just made Mrs. Snooks--Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!--Tom's
+crutch at work--Snooks floored--Bridesman settled--Parson bolts--Clerk
+mizzles--Salts and shrieks--Clare in a swoon--Pa' in a funk--Tragedy
+speech--Love! vengeance! and damnation!--Half an ounce of laudanum--Quick
+speech--Tom unshackles his wooden pin--Dies like a hero--Clare pines in
+secret--Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin--Poor Tom and
+Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath
+
+[Illustration:  "A WEEPING WILL-OH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.
+
+We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which
+we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:--
+
+MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
+
+Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for
+the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure
+Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short
+and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin
+two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
+
+COPY.
+
+"The following is a specimen of my punning _before_ taking six
+lessons of Mr. T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain _cold_ with which
+children are affected?
+
+"A. Because it's _a new pink off_ (an hooping-cough).
+
+"This is a specimen of my punning _after_ taking six lessons of Mr.
+T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an
+injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
+
+"A. Because the one is _for-getting_ and the other
+_for-giving_."
+
+N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will
+find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service.
+
+Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be
+suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
+also a few second-hand _bon mots_ which he can offer a bargain.
+
+*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF "CANT."
+
+There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it
+being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is
+necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be
+brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what
+are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this
+means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the
+different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most
+advantageously place himself.
+
+It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in
+this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to
+bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain
+sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public
+education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical
+though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious
+Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its
+turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself
+so ancient and beautiful a practice.
+
+VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS
+
+1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered,
+  1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
+    1. He that voteth for dead men.
+    2. He that voteth for empty tenements.
+    3. He that voteth for many men.
+    4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.
+  2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
+    1. Because he hath a bet that he will vote.
+    2. Because he loveth a lark.
+    3. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
+       [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
+        BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]
+
+2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is upset by a bribed coachman.
+    2. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put
+        into the cage.
+    3. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way.
+    4. He who is hocussed.
+    5. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like.
+  2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.
+    2. He who has not been solicited.
+    3. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.
+    4. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.
+    5. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.
+    6. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late,
+        and the like.
+
+3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
+          1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
+            1. He that pretendeth the money is due to him.
+            2. He that pretendeth it is lent.
+            3. He who receiveth it as alms.
+            4. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated
+                tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like.
+          2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
+            1. He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in
+                Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.
+            2. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter,
+                curate, and the like.
+            3. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary
+                to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey,
+                chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like.
+          3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
+            1. He that voteth for Walker's Gooseberry, or Elector's
+                Sparkling Champagne.
+            2. For sloe-juice, or Elector's fine old crusted Port.
+            3. He who voteth for Brett's British Brandy, or Elector's
+                real French Cognac.
+            4. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, _coculus
+                Indicus_, Spanish juice, or Elector's Extra Double Stout.
+        2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
+          1. He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers,
+              or the like.
+          2. He who getteth a contract, for paupers' clothing, building
+              unions, and the like.
+          3. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent
+              40s. freeholders.
+          4. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes,
+              haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork,
+              pine-apples, early peas, and the like.
+      2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
+        1. By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice
+            to quit.
+        2. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot
+            be trusted.
+        3. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite
+            opinion in his employ.
+        4. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.
+        5. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and
+            Gretna Green.
+        6. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth
+            him be d--d.
+      3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
+        1. He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him
+            a place.
+        2. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.
+        3. He who voteth to get into genteel society.
+        4. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.
+        5. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a
+            large family.
+        6. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.
+    2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into
+          1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as
+            1. He who believeth taxes will be taken off.
+            2. He who believeth wages will be raised.
+            3. He who thinketh trade will be increased.
+            4. He who studieth political economy.
+            5. He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and
+                listeneth to lectures, and the like.
+          2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as
+            1. He who voteth to support "the glorious Constitution," and
+                maintain "the envy of surrounding nations."
+            2. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
+                revenue.
+            3. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings,
+                and the like.
+        2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in
+              together.
+          2. He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots.
+          3. That the Tories love the poor.
+          4. That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his
+              country.
+          5. That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the like.
+        3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate's ribbons suit his wife's
+              complexion.
+          2. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
+              canvasser.
+          3. Because his wife had the candidate's carriage to make calls
+              in, and the like.
+          4. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince
+              Albert Quadrilles.
+          5. Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last
+              infant, and the like.
+      2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into
+        1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as
+          1. He who voteth on one side because his father always voted
+              on the same.
+          2. Because the "Wrong-heads" and the like had always sat for
+              the county.
+          3. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such
+              as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must
+              maintain his principle.
+          4. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
+              the like.
+        2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds.
+          2. Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name
+              as the opposite candidate.
+          3. Because the candidate is of a noble family.
+          4. Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel,
+              and the like.
+          5. Because he knoweth the candidate's cousin.
+          6. Because the candidate directed to him--"Esq."
+        3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be
+              considered as
+          1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as
+            1. He that voteth on both sides.
+            2. Because he tossed up with himself.
+            3. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who
+                hath most votes.
+            4. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the
+                other, to show that he is not influenced.
+            5. Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the
+                popular candidate.
+          2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as
+            1. He who cannot be trusted.
+            2. He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the other.
+            3. He who is not worth bribing.
+            4. He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter
+                was not answered.
+            5. He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived,
+                and the like.
+  2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe.
+      2. He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray.
+      3. He who is confused and giveth the wrong name.
+      4. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested.
+      5. He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates,
+          and the like.
+    2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so
+          incensed into voting the opposite way.
+      2. He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so
+          outraged into honesty.
+      3. He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and
+          so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate.
+      4. He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being
+          enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.
+      5. He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who
+          keepeth a carriage and the like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER
+
+
+Have any of PUNCH'S readers ever met one of the above _genus_--or
+rather, have they not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most
+persevering _hic et ubique_ powers. Like the old mole, these
+Truepennies "work i' th' dark:" at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole,
+the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian,
+Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological
+Saloons, they "most do congregate." Once set your eyes upon them, once
+become acquainted with their habits and manners, and then mistake them if
+you can. They are themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket
+jockeys, the peripatetic venders, or buyers of "old clo'," or the Albert
+continuations at _one pound one_, they appear to be _made to
+measure for the same_. We must now describe them (to speak
+theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new
+dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer,
+i.e. neither one nor the other ever _were entirely new_, and never
+will be allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these
+worthies is generally _very_ blue or _very_ brown; the cut
+whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at what
+precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on the
+probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that alone could
+to long have kept them from Time's remorseless maw. The collars are always
+velvet, and always greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the
+seams, the stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to
+believe they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose
+labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
+buttons!--oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They,
+indeed, are the aristocracy--the yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars
+of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coat--they are
+_on it_, and that's all--they have no further communion--they decline
+the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their living--they
+announce themselves as "the last new fashion"--they sparkle for a week,
+retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years
+after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine
+splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
+accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a
+material known only to themselves--a sort of nightmare illusion of velvet,
+covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously picked out and
+guarded with a nondescript collection of the very greenest green pellets
+of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment)
+describe the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two
+rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent), commencing,
+to all appearance, at the _small of the back_, and reaching down even
+to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a double-breasted one, made
+upon the good old dining-out principle of leaving plenty of room in the
+victualling department. To complete the catalogue of raiment, the
+untalkaboutables have so little right to the name of drab, that it would
+cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more
+exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the
+portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes
+of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that description
+of mud-markers known in the purlieus of Liecester-square, and at
+all denominations of "boots"--great, little, red, and yellow--as
+eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are strapped
+down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in extreme doubt
+whether the Prussian hero of that name is their legitimate sponsor, or the
+glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured
+that (as there never was a _pair_ of either of the illustrious
+heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency, invariably
+perambulate in _one of each_. We scarcely know whether it be so or
+not--we merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the _two
+Bluchers_, _because_ of the _eight-and-six_. The only
+additional expense likely to add any emolument to the _tanner's_
+interest (we mean no pun) is the immense extent of sixpenny straps
+generally worn. These are described by a friend of ours as belonging to
+the great class of _coaxers_; and their exertions in bringing (as a
+nautical man would say) the trowsers _to bear_ at all, is worthy of
+notice. There is a legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from
+one of the fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty's
+theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of
+the affair being the close approximation of some of his principal foreign
+words to "Tol de rol," and "Fal the ral ra"), in which it was asserted,
+that from a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the
+body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity.
+In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully
+nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish
+to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the _genus_ in
+_black_ and _white_, we may as well state at once, _those_
+are the colours generally casing the throats from whence their sweet
+sounds issue; these _ties_ are garnished with union pins, whose
+strong _mosaic tendency_ would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had
+they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of the
+Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing world,
+amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an _auto-da-fe_.
+
+It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his
+head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying
+pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands,
+though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of
+French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about
+as much in proportion to _the box_ as _eighteen insides_ are to
+a small tax-cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved
+inscription purports) given by "several gentlemen" (who are,
+unfortunately, in these instances, always anonymous--which circumstance,
+as they are invariably described as "admirers of talent," is much to be
+regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the
+immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at four o'clock of the
+morning, with a bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is,
+they are universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of
+obesity.
+
+The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased, and
+the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no professional
+singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and found a failure.
+Its uses are remarkable and various: like the "death's-head and
+cross-bones" of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of the
+conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our mind's eye
+one of the species even now--we see him coquetting with the fork,
+compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be
+called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the
+proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
+performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the
+right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet
+double-breaster--we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they
+fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the
+smoke-embued apartment--we perceive the extension of the dexter hand
+employed in innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of
+an orange, whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a
+watch-guard, _if_ the professional singer _had a watch_. We hear
+the three distinct hems--oblivion for a moment seizes us--the glasses
+jingle--two auctioneers' hammers astonish the mahogany--several dirty
+hands are brought in violent and noisy contact--we are near a friend of
+the vocalist--our glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties
+itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic
+performances of the said zealous friend--and with an exclamation that,
+were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
+singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half
+lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the "creature comfort"
+with infinite satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that fat
+man). "A glee, gents!--a glee!"--Ah! there they are--three coats--three
+collars--Heaven knows how many buttons!--three bald heads, three stout
+stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and
+conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux."--What is
+the subject?
+
+  "_Hail_ smi_lig_ _b_orn."
+
+That's a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing
+_ensemble_ is totally exploded by these gentry--each professional
+singer, as a professional singer, sings his very loudest, in _justice to
+himself_; if his brethren want physical power, that's no fault of
+_his_, _he don't_. Professional singers indulge in small
+portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements is, "Non
+nobis," &c. &c.; that is, they consider they ought to know the airs. The
+words are generally delivered as follows:--_Don--dobis--do--by--de_.
+A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this line.
+
+In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention,
+they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more
+Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the same--sit anywhere,
+just to accommodate--eat everything, to prove they have no squeamish
+partialities--know to a toothful what a bottom of brandy _should
+be_--the exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most
+likely victim to _drop upon_ for any further nourishment they may
+require. Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by
+the important information that "Harry Phillips knows what he's
+about"--"Weber was up to a thing or two." A _baritone_ ain't the sort
+of thing for tenor music: and when _they_ sung with some man (nobody
+ever heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn't mind--"A
+cigar?" "Thank you, sir!--seldom smoke--put it in my
+pocket--(_aside_) that makes a dozen! Your good health, sir!--don't
+dislike cold, though I generally take it warm--didn't mean that as a hint,
+but, since you _have ordered it_, I'll give you a toast--Here's--THE
+PROFESSIONAL SINGER!"
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.
+
+  [Greek: EIS TO LEIN PINEIN.]
+
+  Bards of old have sung the vine
+  Such a theme shall ne'er be mine;
+  Weaker strains to me belong,
+  Pæans sung to thee, Souchong!
+  What though I may never sip
+  Rubies from my tea-cup's lip;
+  Do not milky pearls combine
+  In this steaming cup of mine?
+  What though round my youthful brow
+  I ne'er twine the myrtle's bough?
+  For such wreaths my soul ne'er grieves.
+  Whilst I own my Twankay's leaves.
+  Though for me no altar burns,
+  Kettles boil and bubble--urns
+  In each fane, where I adore--
+  What should mortal ask for more!
+  I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,
+  Howqua shall my cup supply;
+  I'll ne'er ask for amphoræ,
+  Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.
+  Then, perchance, above my grave,
+  Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;
+  And some stately sugar-cane,
+  There may spring to life again:
+  Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,
+  To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES.
+
+KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG "TOBY."
+
+DEAR SIR,--I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel,
+thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master,
+for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my
+paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog in a nobleman's family. Lawk, sir!
+what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn
+author?
+
+I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with _dialect_--what a
+face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as
+hollow as the big drum, but warn't half so round and noisy. You can't have
+dwindled down to that, sure_ly_! I couldn't bear to see your hump and
+_pars pendula_ (that's dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and
+titivated out in msty-fusty toggery--I'm sure I couldn't! The very thought
+of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.
+
+I whined like any thing, calling to my missus--for you must know that I've
+married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. "Vixen," says I,
+"here's the poor old governor up at last--I knew that Police Act would
+drive him to something desperate."
+
+"Why he hasn't hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest!"
+exclaimed Mrs. T.
+
+"Worse nor that," says I; "he's turned author, and in course is stewed up
+in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year,
+when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the
+police don't want nothing to do to warm 'em, and consequentially sees no
+harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It's very hawful."
+
+Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I know'd she'd
+something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her.
+"Toby," says she, "go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort
+him to larrup you a little."
+
+"Very well," says I, "I'll be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for
+supper, should any come out while I'm gone; and if you can get the puppies
+to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you." Saying
+which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
+coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a
+waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestra--he as could
+only play "Jim Crow" and the "Soldier Tired." Thinks I, I may as well pass
+the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach he
+was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was
+about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-horse. Whilst I
+was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the
+wehicle make the following remark:--
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_twisting his tail about like anything_)--Curse the
+flies!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--You may say that. I've had one fellow tickling me this
+half-hour.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually
+penetrates my vertebra.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Werterbee! What's that?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_impatiently_).--The spine, my friend (_whish!
+whish!_)
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it is a shameful thing to _dock_ us as they
+does. If the marrow in one's backbone should melt, it would be sartin to
+run out at the tip of one's tail. I say, how's your _feed?_
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Very indifferent--the chaff predominates--(_munch_)
+not _bene_ by any means.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied
+if they'd only make it _oaty_ now and then. How long have you been in
+the hackney line?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I have occupied my present degraded position about two
+years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever
+come to this.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it ain't very respectable, is it?--especially since
+the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?--you
+look as if you had been well brought up.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--My mama was own sister to _Lottery_, but
+unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the
+produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign
+Dashard.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Bless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve
+in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out I'd a splint, and
+wouldn't have me! I say, ain't that stout woman with a fat family looking
+at us?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I'm afraid she is. People of her grade in society are
+always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or
+Mutton-hill, or a _hill_ somewhere.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--She's ahailing us! I wonder whether she's narvous? I'll
+let out with my hind leg a bit--(_kick_)--O Lord! the rheumatiz!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pray don't. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a
+thoroughbred.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven't you just acknowledged
+that you were a cocktail? Thank God! she's moving on. Hallo! there's old
+Readypenny!--a willanous Tory.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I beg to remark that mine isn't. I sarved Readypenny
+out at Westminster 'lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to
+the poll, and I wouldn't draw an inch. I warn't agoing to take up a
+plumper for Rous.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I declare the obese female returns.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach! Hallo! Coach!
+
+WATERMAN.--Here you is, ma'am. Kuck! kuck! kuck!--Come along!--(_Pulling
+the coach and horses_).
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will
+pull my head off.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.
+
+WATERMAN--Come up, you old brute!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Old brute! What evidence of a low mind!--[_The stout
+woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach_].
+
+COACH.--O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!--O law! Week! week!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Do you hear how the poor old thing's a sufferin'?--She
+must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay
+for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of
+Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch don't break--she has been crazy a long
+time.
+
+WATERMAN.--Snow-hill--opposite the Saracen's Head.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--I know'd it!
+
+COACHMAN.--Kuck! kuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may
+save us from flagellation.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, I'm pulling, ain't I?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I don't like to dispute your word;
+but--(_whack_)--Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--A _raw_ you mean. Who's not pulling now, I should
+like to know!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I couldn't help hopping then; you know what a
+_grease_ I have in my hind leg.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, haven't I a splint and a corn, and ain't one of my
+fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?
+
+WOMAN.--Stop! stop!
+
+COACHMAN.--Whoo up!--d--n you!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--There goes my last masticator!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I'm blow'd if he hasn't jerked my head so that he's
+given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we
+shall save the hill.
+
+WOMAN.--Three doors higher up.
+
+COACHMAN.--Chuck! chuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+COACHMAN.--Come up, you varmint!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O
+Pegasus! what shall I come to next!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was
+obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking
+me by the scruff of my neck if I ain't pretty regular in my hours.
+
+Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose services
+we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the enlightened manager
+of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to advance the interest of the
+drama is only equalled by his ignorance of the means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself
+entirely to _stews_.
+
+Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two
+Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which
+delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next.
+
+Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
+consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the
+_premiership_?
+
+Mr. Moreton Dyer, "_the amateur turner_," has been a frequent visitor
+at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving
+lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always
+considered his lordship a Talleyrand in _turning_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION.
+
+(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A "NOTED" TAILOR'S BILL.)
+
+  By winter's chill the fragrant flower is nipp'd,
+    To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;
+  The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp'd,
+    A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;
+
+  The aërial songster moults his plumerie,
+    To vie in sleekness with each feather'd brother:
+  A twelvemonth's wear hath ta'en thy nap from thee,
+    My seedy coat!--When shall I get another?
+
+NOTE.--Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid,
+to PUNCH'S office.
+
+P.S.--None need apply who _refuse_ three years' acceptances. If the
+bills be made _renewable_, by agreement, "continuations" will be
+taken in any quantity.--FITZROY FIPS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STREET POLITICS.
+
+A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER.
+
+
+(_Enter_ PUNCH.)
+
+PUNCH.--R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?
+
+(_Sings._)
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time I turn about,
+    I jump Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.
+
+PUNCH.--Yes, yes; I've been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to
+the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have
+done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. I'm
+an M.P. now.
+
+MANAGER.--An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Fact, upon my honour. I'm at this moment an unit in the collective
+stupidity of the nation.
+
+DOG TOBY.--R-r-r-r-r-r--wough--wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a
+legislator before, that he barks at me so?
+
+MANAGER.--A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho!
+ho! ho!
+
+PUNCH.--My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally
+used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more
+blockheads than mine in St. Stephen's, I can tell you. And as for oratory,
+why I flatter my whiskers I'll astonish them in that line.
+
+MANAGER.--But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--I'd have you know, sir, I'm above having any principles but those
+that put money in my pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--I mean on what interest did you start?
+
+PUNCH.--On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble
+feeling that a public man can entertain.
+
+MANAGER.--Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as
+a Whig or a Tory?
+
+PUNCH.--As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry,
+beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were
+always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.
+
+PUNCH.--So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported
+themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I
+turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the
+opposition 'bus.
+
+MANAGER.---But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--Where every politician's is, sir--in my breeches' pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--And your consistency, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--What a green chap you are, after all. A public man's consistency!
+It's only a popular delusion, sir. I'll tell you what's consistency, sir.
+When one gentleman's _in_ and won't come _out_, and when another
+gentleman's _out_ and can't get _in_, and when both gentlemen
+persevere in their determination--that's consistency.
+
+MANAGER.--I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public
+man to----
+
+PUNCH.--(_sings_)--
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time he turn about,
+    He jumps Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not
+very flattering?
+
+PUNCH.--'Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green
+and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they haven't a chance. The
+election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts
+them--Ireland fails them--Scotland alone sticks with national attachment
+to their backs, like a--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Of course, then, the Tories will take office--?
+
+PUNCH.--I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their
+chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs
+were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not
+growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they
+were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the
+decay of our ancient and venerable constitution--? And have they not
+promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would--Send
+round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories
+mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?
+
+PUNCH.--No, but they'll give them cheap drink. They'll throw open the
+Thames for the use of the temperance societies.
+
+MANAGER.--But if we don't have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed,
+our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.
+
+PUNCH.--There you're wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and,
+though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full.
+
+MANAGER.--That's all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a
+_leetle_ if you starve them.
+
+PUNCH.--Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being
+grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!--I've studied political
+economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. They've got a fine plan
+in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
+homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
+infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs
+that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany.
+Oh! 'tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mind--Send round the
+hat.
+
+MANAGER.--What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--It means--when a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide
+his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he
+may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same
+difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into
+his supper.
+
+MANAGER.--But if the man has got no supper?
+
+PUNCH.--Then let him wish he may get it.
+
+MANAGER.--Oh! that's your sliding scale?
+
+PUNCH.--Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of
+victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable
+to free trade?
+
+PUNCH.--Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions
+that mean nothing but free plunder. I'll illustrate my position. I'm a boy
+in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my
+form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling
+in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a
+bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of
+course, knocks up my trade.
+
+MANAGER.--But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.
+
+PUNCH.--D--n the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. I'm
+for centralization--and individualization--every man for himself, and
+PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my
+form, and see how I'll cobb him. So now--send round the hat--and three
+cheers for
+
+PUNCH'S POLITICS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.
+
+No. 1.
+
+
+  O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger,
+    Why this lonely path you seek;
+  Every step is fraught with danger
+    Unto one so fair and meek.
+  Where are they that _should_ protect thee
+    In this darkling hour of doubt?
+  Love _could_ never thus neglect thee!--
+    _Does your mother know you're out?_
+
+  Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?
+    Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!
+  Sure thine heart is overladen,
+    When each breath is fraught with sighs.
+  Say, hath care life's heaven clouded,
+    Which hope's stars were wont to spangle?
+  What hath all thy gladness shrouded?--
+    _Has your mother sold her mangle?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE.
+
+We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W----, that, for the
+convenience of the public, he has put down one of his carriages, and given
+orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the construction of an easy and elegant
+_stretcher._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    CANVASSING. What a love of a child
+    THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy
+    THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals
+    THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg
+    THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists in general,
+that should the violent cold with which he has been from time immemorial
+afflicted, and which, although it has caused his voice to appear like an
+infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and thistles, yet has not
+very materially affected him otherwise--should it not deprive him of
+existence--please Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every
+exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further,
+that he will most unequivocally be down with his _coup de baton_ upon
+every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.
+
+That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters are
+generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance: should
+the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCH'S portrait
+in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the purest
+production of the general mourning school--and all performed by
+scissars--to the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal
+Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real
+carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH
+would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
+landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for PUNCH--none
+of your insinuating cabinet gems--no Art-_ful_ Union system of doing
+things--Hopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for
+another--and as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen
+corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to
+screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little
+affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in front of
+his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to prove that
+PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism, he has
+prepared the following description of the private view of either the Royal
+Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British Institution, for
+1842, for the lovers of this very light style of reading; and to make it
+as truly applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection
+or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner
+practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be
+exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what strict
+attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an intimate
+knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to displays, and with
+what consummate skill he blends those peculiarities, the reader will have
+the kindness to attach the criticism to either of the works (hereunder
+catalogued) most agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that
+this is a thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft
+anointment.
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY:
+
+  Portrait of the miscreant who          \
+  attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath.  |
+                    VALENTINE VERMILION.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of His Majesty the             | The head is extremely
+  King of Hanover.                        | well painted, and the light
+                            BY THE SAME.  | and shade distributed with
+                                          | the artist's usual judgement.
+  Portrait of the boy who got into        |
+  Buckingham Palace.                      |
+                        GEOFFERY GLAZEM.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord John Russell.          |
+                            BY THE SAME.  | An admirable likeness of
+                                          \ the original, and executed
+  Portrait of W. Grumbletone, Esq.,       / with that breadth and clearness
+  in the character of Joseph Surface.     | so apparent in this clever
+                          PETER PALETTE.  | painter's works.
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Sir Robert Peel.            |
+                            BY THE SAME.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of the Empress of Russia.      |
+                          VANDYKE BROWN.  | A well-drawn and brilliantly
+                                          | painted portrait, calculated
+  Portrait of the infant Princess.        | to sustain the fame already
+                            BY THE SAME.  | gained by this our favourite
+                                          | painter.
+  Portrait of Mary Mumblegums,            |
+  aged 170 years.                         |
+                            BY THE SAME. /
+
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:
+
+  The Death of Abel.                     \
+                        MICHAEL McGUELP.  |
+                                          |
+  Dead Game.                              |
+                    THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL.  |
+                                          |
+  Vesuvius in Eruption.                   | This picture is well arranged,
+                   CHARLES CARMINE, R.A.  | and coloured with much truth
+                                          | to nature; the chiaro-scuro
+  Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child.      | is admirably managed.
+                              R.W. BUSS.  |
+                                          |
+  Cattle returning from the Watering      |       OR THUS:
+  Place.                                  \
+                             R. BOLLOCK.  /
+                                          | This is one of the cleverest
+  "We won't go home till Morning."        | productions in the Exhibition;
+                    M. WATERFORD, R.H.S.  | there is a transparency in the
+                                          | shadows equal to Rembrandt.
+  The infant Cupid sleeping.              |
+                                R. DADD.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord Palmerston.            |
+                           A.L.L. UPTON.  |
+                                          |
+  Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look      |
+  out.                                    |
+                              H. PARKER.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P.          |
+                                J. WOOD.  |
+                                         /
+
+Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a little too
+oily, they can easily add such a tag as the following:--"In our humble
+judgment, a little more delicacy of handling would not be altogether out
+of place;" or, "Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we
+recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing
+previous productions by the same."
+
+
+FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED:
+
+This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see the vigour
+of handling and smartness of conception formerly apparent in his works:
+or, "A little stricter attention to drawing, as well as composition, would
+render this artist's works more recommendatory."
+
+
+THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED:
+
+Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately: "A perfect daub,
+possessing not one single quality necessary to create even the slightest
+interest--a disgrace to the Exhibition--who allowed such a wretched
+production to disgrace these walls?--woefully out of drawing, and as badly
+coloured," and such like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS.
+
+BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE.
+
+  Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,
+  For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost everywhere;
+  And the blazing red of my beadle's coat is turning to pink through fear,
+  Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the
+          end of the year.
+  I've done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico
+  Of Somerset House, that I don't know what I should do if I was for to go!
+  What the electors are at, I can't make out, upon my soul,
+  For it's a law of natur' that the _whig_ should be atop of
+          the _poll_.
+  I've had a snug berth of it here for some time, and don't want to cut
+          the connexion;
+  But they _do_ say the Whigs must go out, because they've NO OTHER
+          ELECTION;
+  What they mean by that, I _don't_ know, for ain't they been
+          electioneering--
+  That is, they've been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and
+          ginning, and beering.
+  Hasn't Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John
+          Russell,
+  For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming
+          _bussel_?
+  Ain't the two _first_ retired into private life--(that's the genteel
+          for being rejected)?
+  And what's more, the _last_ four, strange to say, have all been elected.
+  Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his
+          coat collar,
+  Hav'n't they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them
+          _Hollar_?
+  Then at Lambeth, ain't Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on 'em
+          bottled
+  By Mr. D'Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled!
+  And hasn't Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier,
+  Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap queer?
+  Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a _Cleave_-r for Marrowbone
+          looks cranky,
+  Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out "_No Sankee?_"
+  Then South'ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood,
+  Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his duty--he
+          would!
+  Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find
+          that they're in the wrong box,
+  For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed
+          the Fox;
+  Whilst Westminster's chosen Rous--not Rouse of the Eagle--tho' I once
+          seed a
+  Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a _goose_, along
+          with a Leda.
+  And hasn't Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A'Court been down to Tamworth to be
+          reseated?
+  They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for
+          its always--ditto repeated.
+  Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
+          considerable fume,
+  Who finds it no go, though he's added up the poll-books several times
+          with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.
+  So if there's been _no other election_, I should like to find out
+  What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding,
+          losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other _et
+          cetera_, has been about!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE.
+
+  Black bottles at Brighton,
+    To darken your fame;
+  Black Sundays at Hounslow,
+    To add to your shame.
+  Black balls at the club,
+    Show Lord Hill's growing duller:
+  He should change your command
+    To the _guards_ of that colour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+English--it has been remarked a thousand and odd times--is one of the few
+languages which is unaccompanied with gesticulation. Your veritable
+Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary as your genuine Frenchman is
+prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an oracle, the other like a
+telegraph.
+
+Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his
+hands fast locked in his breeches' pocket, and his features as calm as a
+horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the _debut_ of the new _danseuse_, with
+several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left
+side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two
+shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.
+
+The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency
+of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which
+is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps,
+objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and
+consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a wicked
+waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of
+Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in
+pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much money
+in the dirt--a crime which he regards as second in depravity only to that
+of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we were a nation
+of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather than diminished,
+our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole standard of
+excellence. We measure a man's respectability by his banker's account, and
+mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very nobility
+is a nobility of the breeches' pocket; and the highest personage in the
+realm--her most gracious Majesty--the most gracious Majesty of
+500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial
+people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage
+should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like
+ourselves, it is equally natural that a man's worthiness should be
+computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this commercial spirit, which,
+for the reason before assigned, is opposed to the introduction of
+pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this spirit that we would
+appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency which we cannot but look
+upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a
+cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all
+our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for
+the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is
+coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their appearance
+amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly confined to that
+class upon whose manners politeness places little or no
+restraint--barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as the book of
+etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very reason, such a change
+would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet do we trust, by pointing
+out to the more refined portion of the "British public," the advantage
+that must necessarily accrue from the general cultivation of the art of
+pantomime, by proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively
+tedious operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a
+far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of time, and
+that with a saving of one-half the muscular exertion--a point so perfectly
+consonant with the present prevailing desire for cheap and rapid
+communication--that we say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher
+classes to look upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of
+expression, but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the
+most polite and useful of all accomplishments.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all their
+comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in the first
+place, say a few words on language in general.
+
+It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among
+men--the written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature
+of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of
+conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses or
+modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses
+and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the
+gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and
+literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language, may be
+cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince's Mixture to a stranger, or a
+bottle of "Bouquet du Roi" to a fair acquaintance; both of which are but
+forms of expressing to them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an
+organ but little cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it
+is, therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that
+which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to be
+imbibed with our mother's milk. What words can speak affection to the
+child like elecampane--what language assures us of the remembrance of an
+absent friend like a brace of wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the
+eloquence of dinners? A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these
+to all guests the very emblems of esteem--and turtle, venison, and
+champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a
+particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration of the
+genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as
+in a public dinner? or if a candidate be anxious to convince the "free and
+independent electors" of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for
+the commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the
+general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and
+last species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All
+understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caresses--between
+being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who,
+however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what fair
+maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to
+construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender
+pressure of her toe under the dinner table?
+
+Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man.
+There is, however, one other--that which forms the subject of the present
+article--Pantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of the
+visible language--literature being taken as the artificial. This is the
+most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the earliest,
+as it is the most intuitive--the smiles and frowns of the mother being the
+first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we consider for a moment
+that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin,
+changing to-day into yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age,
+and life into death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets
+of the scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art
+which constitutes the very essence of existence itself. "Speech," says
+Talleyrand, that profound political pantomimist, "was given to
+_conceal_ our thoughts;" and truly this is the chief use to which it
+is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words. Let
+but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand desideratum must
+be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates, instead of being able, as
+now, to become legislators by simply professing to be patriots, will be
+placed in the awkward predicament of having first to _act_ as such;
+and that the clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the
+mere preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a
+portion to charitable purposes, and _practise_ it.
+
+Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages of
+this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of becoming
+the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of ultimately
+finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the beautiful Miss B., by
+gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that
+doubt and incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of "Love's
+young dream," by a gentle indication with the dexter hand over the
+sinister shoulder.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN.
+
+An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen's Bench against Mr.
+Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a person named Clark, in
+wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other refreshments, during a contest for
+the representation of the borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who
+it appears was chairman of Mr. Walter's committee, swore that _every
+thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him._ By a
+remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this tippling
+case was _Mr. Lush._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ODE.
+
+PICKED UP IN KILLPACK'S DIVAN.
+
+Cum notis variorum.
+
+"Excise Court.--An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling
+spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that
+there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was
+treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members, and
+that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined £5 in
+each case."--_Observer_
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: Best British Brandy not Permitted]
+
+          INVOCATION.
+
+  Assist, ye jocal nine[1], inspire my soul!
+  (Waiter! a go of Brett's best alcohol,
+  A light, and one of Killpack's mild Havannahs).
+  Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas
+  I sing of what we were--of what we _now_ are.
+      Wildly let me rave,
+      To imprecate the knave
+  Whose curious _information_ turned our porter sour,
+  Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)
+        Brown,
+        Down
+  Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;
+  Changing, despite our _belle esprit_, at one fell _swop_,
+  Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!
+
+          ODE.
+
+      Then little Bob arose,
+      And doff'd his clothes,
+  Exclaiming, "Momus! Stuff!
+  I've played him long enough,"
+  And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,
+  Behold me ready _dressed_ to play young Bacchus.
+    He said[2] his legs the barrel span,
+    And thus the Covent Garden god began;--
+  "GENTLEMEN,--I am--ahem--!--I beg your pardon,
+  But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden--
+  No, I don't mean that, I mean to say,
+  That if we were--ahem!--to pay
+  So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of 'Hear!']
+  Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;
+  In short, _small_ duty pay on all we sup--
+  Ahem!--you understand--I give it up."
+      The speech was ended,
+      And Bob descended.
+  The club was formed. A spicy club it was--
+  Especially on Saturdays; because
+  They dined extr'ordinary cheap at five o'clock:
+  When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.
+  Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers--
+  Odd fellows all--_odder_ than all their club compeers.
+  Some were sub-editors, others reporters,
+  And more _illuminati_, joke-importers.
+      The club was heterogen'ous
+      By strangers seen as
+  A refuge for destitute _bons mots_--
+  _Dépôt_ for leaden jokes and pewter pots;
+  Repertory for gin and _jeux d'esprit_,
+  Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;
+  Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;
+  Gall'ry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;[3]
+  Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;
+  In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!
+  *             *             *             *
+  Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,
+      Hear me while I say
+      "_Donnez-moi du frenzy, s'il vous plait!_"[4]
+  Give me a most tremendous fit
+  Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,
+      Or deep anathema,
+      Fatal as J--d's bah!
+  To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.
+  May genial gin no more delight _their_ throttles--
+  _Their_ casks grow leaky, bottomless _their_ bottles;
+  May smugglers _run_, and they ne'er make a seizure;
+  May _they_--I'll curse them further at my leisure.
+      But for our club,
+      "Ay, there's the rub."
+  "We mourn it dead in its father's halls:"[5]--
+  The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;
+      No stuffing there,
+      Not even in a chair;
+  The spirits are all _ex_(or)_cised_,
+  The coffee-cups capsized,
+  The coffee _fine_-d, the snuff all taken,
+  The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:
+  The utter ruin of the club's achieven--
+  Our very chess-boards are ex-_chequered_ even.
+  "Where is our club?" X--sighs,[6] and with a stare
+  Like to another echo, answers "Where?"
+
+    [1] "Ye jocal nine," a happy modification of "Ye vocal nine."
+        The nine here so classically invocated are manifestly nine
+        of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1. Mr. D--s
+        J--d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer and
+        store-keeper. 3. Mr. G--e S--h, sub-ed. J---- B----. 4. Mr.
+        B--d, Mem. Dram. Author's Society. 5. C--s S--y, ditto. 6.
+        Mr. C--e. 7. Mr. C--s, T--s, late of the firm of T--s and
+        P--t. 8. Mr. J--e A--n, Mem. Soc. British Artists. 9, and
+        lastly, "though not least," the author of "You loved me not
+        in happier days."
+
+    [2] "He said."--Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished
+        of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some
+        passages an imitation of it which might be considered
+        pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The
+        literal rendering of the '_dixit_' of the ancient epicists,
+        strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.--PUNCH.
+
+    [3] A play-bill reminiscence, viz. "The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins
+        and Pitt."--THE AUTHORS OF "BUT, HOWEVER."
+
+    [4] "Donnez-moi," &c.--The classics of all countries are aptly
+        drawn upon by the universal erudition of our bard. A fine
+        parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel's starving
+        author: "La Gloire--donnez-moi do pain!"--FENWICK DE
+        PORQUET.
+
+    [5] "They mourn it dead," &c.--A pretty, but perhaps too literal
+        allusion to a popular song--J. RODWELL.
+
+    [6] "X--sighs."--Who "X" may happen to be we have not the remotest
+        idea. But who would not forgive a little mystification for
+        so brilliant a pun?--THE GHOST OF PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. HUME.
+
+We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from his
+parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the neighbourhood
+of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members only, in the
+principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some measure his
+own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged in preparing a
+Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRIVATE."
+
+"In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended to confer
+the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It would be
+difficult to select an individual more _peculiarly_ fitted for the
+situation than his lordship, whose _love of letters_ is notorious in
+the Carlton Club."--_Extract from an Intercepted Letter._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party
+should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the
+Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former opponents. We have no
+doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel
+grateful for support from any quarter; but we much doubt the
+practicability of the measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see
+Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition
+engines, with their followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House
+of Commons. In our opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the
+result of these
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+The "star system" has added another victim to the many already sacrificed
+to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an actor whose personation of
+_Macduff_, the _Hunchback, Jaques_, &c., would have procured for
+him in former times no mean position, has been compelled to secede from
+the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the
+continual sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one
+to whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The part
+assigned to Mr. Phelps (_Friar Lawrence_) requires an actor of
+considerable powers, and under the old _régime_ would have
+deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps' position; but we can understand the
+motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the
+practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr.
+Phelps' opposition to this ruinous system of "starring" as commendable and
+manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the upholding of this
+system. The "stars" are paid so enormously, and cost so much to maintain
+them in their false position, that the manager cannot afford (supposing
+the disposition to exist) to pay the working portion of his company
+salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or compatible with the
+appearance they are expected to maintain out of the theatre; whilst
+opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of improving any
+favourable impression they may have made upon the public, is denied to
+them, from the fear that the influence of the greater, because more
+fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are now so well
+known, that men of education are deterred from making the stage a
+profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to
+this cause.
+
+The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable to
+this absurd and destructive system. The "star" must be considered alone in
+the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to
+measure, the actor, _par excellence_, must be the arbiter of the
+author's creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in
+the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of
+this individual display, its rejection by the "star" would render the
+labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of
+fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying
+labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the
+pecuniary monopoly of the "star."
+
+It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the
+stage. The public had formerly _many_ favourites, because all had an
+opportunity of contending for their favour--now they have only Mr. A. or
+Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it
+may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually
+sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
+charm of the melody.
+
+We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We
+quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious to
+an art which we reverence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VAUXHALL.--Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!--Elysium
+of illumination lamps!--Paradise of Simpson!--we have been permitted once
+again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast
+of impalpable ham and invisible chicken--to join in the eruption of
+exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories--to swallow thy mysterious arrack
+and
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.]
+
+We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his
+six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head--we have roved again amid
+those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago,
+
+  "We met the daylight after seven hours' sitting."
+
+But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not
+Vauxhall: the G R's were V R's--the cocked hats were round hats--the
+fiddlers were foreigners--the Rotunda was Astley's--the night was
+moon-shiny--and there was not--our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
+fact--there was not "Simpson" to exclaim, "Welcome to the royal property!"
+Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou
+doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge
+of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name
+immortal--Peace to thy manes!
+
+STRAND.--The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have
+produced another mythological drama, called "The Frolics of the Fairies;
+or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle," from the pen of Leman Rede, who is,
+without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of
+Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this
+piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it
+arose from the _indisposition_ of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same
+hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and "a gem of the
+first water" she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be
+useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends
+more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success.
+It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest of--dare we call her
+mere woman?--little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle
+of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage
+reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can
+labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the
+production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve
+the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little
+Temple of Momus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord
+Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrow's
+late establishment; but whether the _peds_ are _bi_ or _quadru_,
+rumour sayeth not.
+
+
+A CARD.
+
+MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in
+general, that they supply _dénouements_ to unfinished stories, on the
+most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of
+catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.
+
+
+FOR MELO-DRAMA.
+
+Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.
+
+Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.
+
+Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of
+virtue.
+
+
+FOR FARCES.
+
+Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c.
+
+
+FOR COMEDIES.
+
+Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune.
+
+Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.
+
+Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter.
+
+Ditto, ditto, very fine, "with convenient cordial," and true gentlemen,
+illustrated by an old _debauchee_.
+
+N.B.--On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides,
+strongly recommended for Surrey use.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WHY AND BECAUSE.
+
+
+    Young Kean's a bad cigar--because
+    The more he's puff'd, the worse he draws.
+
+A new farce, entitled "My Friend the Captain," is to be produced tonight,
+at the Haymarket Theatre.
+
+MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday
+next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actor's professional
+brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has
+always been ready to afford to others.
+
+TO MRS. H.
+
+  Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,
+  No wonder men run after thee;
+  There's something in a name, perhaps,
+  For _Honey's_ often good for _chaps_.
+
+A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very
+chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of
+Mr. Davidge's patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss
+Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that "music
+hath charms."
+
+We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous
+who was lately returned for Westminster.
+
+
+THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA.
+
+_Berthelda_.--Sanguine, you have killed your _mother_!!!
+
+_Fruitwoman_.--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
+
+(_Curtain falls_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.
+
+We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament
+for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very
+liberally distributed by Captain Rons's party, during the late contest:--
+
+1st. Because "he is _brother to the Earl_ of Stradbroke."
+
+2nd. Because "his _family_ have always been hearty Conservatives."
+
+3rd. Because "they have been established in _Suffolk_ from the time
+of the _Heptarchy_."
+
+4th. Because "he entered the navy in 1808."
+
+5th. Because "he _brought home Lord Aylmer_ in the Pique, in 1835."
+
+6th. Because "he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle."
+
+7th. Because "after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again."
+
+8th. Because "he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot,
+lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!"
+ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.--Q.E.D.
+
+
+THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.
+
+LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant
+member to "go the whole hog." This is natural advice from a _thorough
+bore_ like his lordship.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+1, July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1, July 17, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: October 5, 2004 [EBook #13639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page1" name="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span>
+<h2>JULY 17, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE MORAL OF PUNCH.</h2>
+<p>As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your
+society, we think it right that you should know something of our
+character and intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have
+misled you into a belief that we have no other intention than the
+amusement of a thoughtless crowd, and the collection of pence. We
+have a higher object. Few of the admirers of our prototype, merry
+Master PUNCH, have looked upon his vagaries but as the practical
+outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth. We have considered him
+as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have, therefore, adopted
+him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant instruction.
+When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley,
+flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in
+time with his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the
+attention and admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver
+puppetry have passed before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their
+adornments of coloured and lustrous gems, have bound the brow of
+infamy as well as that of honour&mdash;a mockery to both; as though
+virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment of its own high
+purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the forgetfulness of
+its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded coaches have
+glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and shouts
+of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often,
+the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy
+frothiness of those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in
+the market-place, and found their reward in the sycophancy of a
+degraded constituency, or the patronage of a venal
+ministry&mdash;no matter of what creed, for party <em>must</em>
+destroy patriotism.</p>
+<p>The noble in his robes and coronet&mdash;the beadle in his gaudy
+livery of scarlet, and purple, and gold&mdash;the dignitary in the
+fulness of his pomp&mdash;the demagogue in the triumph of his
+hollowness&mdash;these and other visual and oral cheats by which
+mankind are cajoled, have passed in review before us, conjured up
+by the magic wand of PUNCH.</p>
+<p>How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with
+the bell, besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of
+him! The moment that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to
+forget the existence of his annoyance, and, carolling the
+mellifluous numbers of <em>Jim Crow</em>, or some other strain of
+equal beauty, makes the most of the present, regardless of the past
+or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his persecutions, PUNCH
+boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the victor. All have
+a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few, the
+philosophy of PUNCH!</p>
+<p>We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies.
+PUNCH is (and we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in
+principle, and somewhat of a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at
+times harsh and ungentlemanly to Mrs. P.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Eve of a land that still is Paradise,</p>
+<p>Italian beauty!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too
+much to expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we
+repudiate such principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own,
+and a little Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties;
+but we fearlessly aver that we never threw him out of window, nor
+belaboured the lady with a stick&mdash;even of the size allowed by
+law.</p>
+<p>There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it
+always saddens us&mdash;we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is
+true, sings in durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling
+with the song. We are advocates for the <em>correction</em> of
+offenders; but how many generous and kindly beings are there pining
+within the walls of a prison, whose only crimes are poverty and
+misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and appear jocund, but the
+<em>heart</em> can ever hear the ring of the bars.</p>
+<p>We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling
+out his music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but
+we felt sickened with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our
+thought, the free minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into
+the blue caverns of the heavens, with the bird to whom the world
+was circumscribed. May the time soon arrive, when every prison
+shall be a palace of the mind&mdash;when we shall seek to instruct
+and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated education by
+example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has almost
+germinated into reason. Man <em>has</em> reason, why not give him
+intelligence?</p>
+<p>We now come to the last great lesson of our motley
+teacher&mdash;the gallows! that accursed tree which has its
+<em>root</em> in injuries. How clearly PUNCH exposes the fallacy of
+that dreadful law which authorises the destruction of life! PUNCH
+sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not? Where is the divine
+injunction against the shedder of man&rsquo;s blood to rest? None
+<em>can</em> answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At
+other times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy
+the principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the
+good, and the gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is
+now a jest.</p>
+<p>We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry
+and wise&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,</p>
+<p>What, after all, are all things but a
+show!&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Byron.</em></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>As on the stage of PUNCH&rsquo;S theatre, many characters appear
+to fill up the interstices of the more important story, so our
+pages will be interspersed with trifles that have no other object
+than the moment&rsquo;s approbation&mdash;an end which will never
+be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the evanescent smile
+of a harmless satire.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.</h2>
+<p>There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable
+<em>hard-bake</em> houses in the metropolis. The firm had been
+speculating considerably in &ldquo;Prince Albert&rsquo;s
+Rock,&rdquo; and this is said to have been the rock they have
+ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest sufferers. One
+of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a deposit on
+some <em>tom-trot</em>, which the house had promised to supply on
+the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of
+other transactions of a similar character.</p>
+<p>Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece
+and some halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an
+individual, who, if he had only chosen to walk with it into the
+market, might have produced a very alarming effect on some minor
+description of securities. Cherries were taken very freely at
+twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a shade lower than
+yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of tallow all the
+week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown a still
+further gloom upon rushlights.</p>
+<p>The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match
+market into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem
+destined to undergo a still further depression. This state of
+things was rendered worse towards the close of the day, by a large
+holder of the last-named article unexpectedly throwing an immense
+quantity into the market, which went off rapidly.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SOMETHING WARLIKE.</h3>
+<p>Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces,
+the usual mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that
+cannot be clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen
+scroll, on which is painted, in large letters, the sentence
+necessary to be known. It so happened that a number of these
+scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of the grand spectacles at
+Astley&rsquo;s Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other lumber in
+the property-room, until the late destructive fire which occurred
+there. On that night, the wife of one of the
+stage-assistants&mdash;a woman of portly dimensions&mdash;was
+aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire, and in her confusion,
+being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid hold of one of
+these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed into the
+street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive
+back view, with the words, &ldquo;BOMBARD THE CITADEL,&rdquo;
+inscribed in legible characters upon her singular drapery.</p>
+<h3>HUME&rsquo;S TERMINOLOGY.</h3>
+<p>Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he
+will never make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives.
+Indeed, he proposes to expunge the term from the English language,
+and to substitute that which is applied to, his own party. In
+writing to a friend, that &ldquo;after the inflammatory character
+of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite supererogatory for
+me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory measures
+will be rendered nugatory,&rdquo; he thus expressed
+himself:&mdash;&ldquo;After the inflamma<em>whig</em> character of
+the ora<em>whig</em> of the nominees of the Carlton Club, it is
+quite supereroga<em>whig</em> for me to state (it being
+no<em>whig</em>ous) that all concilia<em>whig</em> measures will be
+rendered nuga<em>whig</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3>NATIVE SWALLOWS.</h3>
+<p>A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that
+there is an almost total absence of swallows this summer in
+England. Had the writer been present at some of the election
+dinners lately, he must have confessed that a greater number of
+active swallows has rarely been observed congregated in any one
+year.</p>
+<h3>LORD MELBOURNE TO &ldquo;PUNCH.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>My dear PUNCH,&mdash;Seeing in the &ldquo;Court Circular&rdquo;
+of the Morning Herald an account of a General Goblet as one of the
+guests of her Majesty, I beg to state, that till I saw that
+announcement, I was not aware of any other <em>general gobble
+it</em> than myself at the Palace.</p>
+<p>Yours, truly,<br />
+MELBOURN</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page2" name="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span>
+<h3>A RAILROAD NOVEL</h3>
+<p>DEAR PUNCH,&mdash;I was much amused the other day, on taking my
+seat in the Birmingham Railway train, to observe a
+sentimental-looking young gentleman, who was sitting opposite to
+me, deliberately draw from his travelling-bag three volumes of what
+appeared to me a new novel of the full regulation size, and with
+intense interest commence the first volume at the title-page. At
+the same instant the last bell rang, and away started our train,
+whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a butter-firkin. I
+endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as we
+passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill,
+as we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town,
+followed by Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury&mdash;I missed Wolverton
+and Weedon while taking a pinch of snuff&mdash;lost Rugby and
+Coventry before I had done sneezing, and I had scarcely time to
+say, &ldquo;God bless us,&rdquo; till I found we had reached
+Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my
+reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid
+journey, and to devise plans for the gratification of persons
+similarly situated as my fellow-traveller. &ldquo;Why,&rdquo;
+thought I, &ldquo;should literature alone lag in the age of steam?
+Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow Scott or
+bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
+auction bill?&rdquo; Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to
+write a novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration
+should be retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and
+ornamental figures of speech; to be terse and abrupt in
+style&mdash;use monosyllables always in preference to
+polysyllables&mdash;and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
+names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my
+returning home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I
+retired to rest, had written a novel of three neat, portable
+volumes; which, I assert, any lady or gentlemen, who has had the
+advantage of a liberal education, may get through with tolerable
+ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train running from
+London to Birmingham.</p>
+<p>I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description
+of writing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial
+bagmen, omnibus-cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may
+&ldquo;read as they run.&rdquo; Fiddlers at the theatres, during
+the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my invention;
+for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I shall
+instantly apply for a patent.</p>
+<h3>SPECIMEN.</h3>
+<h4>CLARE GREY:</h4>
+<h5>A NOVEL.</h5>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h5>&ldquo;Brief let me be.&rdquo;</h5>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h5>LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.</h5>
+<h5>1841.</h5>
+<h4>VOL. I.</h4>
+<p>Clare Grey&mdash;Sweet girl&mdash;Bloom and blushes, roses,
+lilies, dew-drops, &amp;c.&mdash;Tom Lee&mdash;Young, gay, but
+poor&mdash;Loved Clare madly&mdash;Clare loved Tom
+ditto&mdash;Clare&rsquo;s pa&rsquo; rich, old, cross, cruel,
+&amp;c.&mdash;Smelt a rat&mdash;D&mdash;d Tom, and swore at
+Clare&mdash;Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars&mdash;Love&rsquo;s
+schemes&mdash;<em>Billet-doux</em> from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a
+dish of peas, crammed with vows, love, despair, hope&mdash;Answer
+(pencil and curl-paper), slipped through key-hole&mdash;Full of
+hope, despair, love, vows&mdash;Tom serenades&mdash;Bad
+cold&mdash;Rather hoarse&mdash;White kerchief from
+garret-window&mdash;&ldquo;&rsquo;Tis Clare! &rsquo;tis
+Clare!&rdquo;&mdash;Garden-wall, six feet high&mdash;Love is
+rash&mdash;Scale the wall&mdash;Great house-dog at home&mdash;Pins
+Tom by the calf&mdash;Old Hunk&rsquo;s roused&mdash;Fire! thieves!
+guns, swords, and rushlights&mdash;Tom caught&mdash;Murder,
+burglary&mdash;Station-house, gaol,
+justice&mdash;Fudge!&mdash;Pretty
+mess&mdash;Heigho!&mdash;&lsquo;Oh! &rsquo;tis love,&rsquo;
+&amp;c.&mdash;Sweet Clare Grey!&mdash;Seven pages of
+sentiment&mdash;Lame leg, light purse, heavy
+heart&mdash;Pshaw!&mdash;Never mind&mdash;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-01.png"><img src=
+"images/001-01.png" alt="Fellow operating a turnstile" id=
+"img001-01" name="img001-01" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<h4>VOL. II.</h4>
+<p>&ldquo;Adieu, my native land,&rdquo;
+&amp;c.&mdash;D.I.O.&mdash;&ldquo;We part to meet
+again&rdquo;&mdash;Death or glory&mdash;Red coat&mdash;Laurels and
+rupees in view&mdash;Vows of constancy, eternal truth,
+&amp;c&mdash;Tom swells the brine with tears&mdash;Clare wipes her
+eyes in cambric&mdash;Alas! alack! oh! ah!&mdash;Fond hearts,
+doomed to part&mdash;Cruel fate!&mdash;Ten pages, poetry, romance,
+&amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;Tom in battle&mdash;Cut, slash,
+dash&mdash;Sabres, rifles&mdash;Round and grape in
+showers&mdash;Hot
+work&mdash;Charge!&mdash;Whizz&mdash;Bang!&mdash;Flat as a
+Flounder&mdash;Never say die&mdash;Peace&mdash;Sweet
+sound&mdash;Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one
+eye&mdash;Half-pay&mdash;Home&mdash;Huzza!&mdash;Swift
+gales&mdash;Post-horses&mdash;Love, hope, and Clare Grey&mdash;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-02.png"><img src=
+"images/001-02.png" alt="A peg-legged, pirate cupid" id=
+"img001-02" name="img001-02" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;D BE A BUTTERFLY,&rdquo; &amp;c.</p>
+</div>
+<h4>VOL. III.</h4>
+<p>&ldquo;Here we are!&rdquo;&mdash;At home once more&mdash;Old
+friends and old faces&mdash;Must be changed&mdash;Nobody knows
+him&mdash;Church bells ringing&mdash;Inquire
+cause&mdash;(?)&mdash;Wedding&mdash;Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the
+old pawnbroker&mdash;Brain whirls&mdash;Eyes start from
+sockets&mdash;Devils and hell&mdash;Clare Grey, the fond, constant,
+Clare, a jilt?&mdash;Can&rsquo;t be&mdash;No go&mdash;Stump up to
+church&mdash;Too true&mdash;Clare just made Mrs.
+Snooks&mdash;Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!&mdash;Tom&rsquo;s crutch
+at work&mdash;Snooks floored&mdash;Bridesman settled&mdash;Parson
+bolts&mdash;Clerk mizzles&mdash;Salts and shrieks&mdash;Clare in a
+swoon&mdash;Pa&rsquo; in a funk&mdash;Tragedy speech&mdash;Love!
+vengeance! and damnation!&mdash;Half an ounce of
+laudanum&mdash;Quick speech&mdash;Tom unshackles his wooden
+pin&mdash;Dies like a hero&mdash;Clare pines in secret&mdash;Hops
+the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin&mdash;Poor Tom and
+Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-03.png"><img src=
+"images/001-03.png" alt=
+"A man sitting on a bench next to a tombstone" id="img001-03"
+name="img001-03" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;A WEEPING WILL-OH!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.</h3>
+<p>We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr.
+Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our
+subscribers:&mdash;</p>
+<p>MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,</p>
+<p>Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a
+class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning,
+on the pure Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are
+improved in six short and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his
+capability, he begs to subjoin two conundrums by Colonel
+Sibthorpe.</p>
+<p>COPY.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The following is a specimen of my punning <em>before</em>
+taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain
+<em>cold</em> with which children are affected?</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A. Because it&rsquo;s <em>a new pink off</em> (an
+hooping-cough).</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This is a specimen of my punning <em>after</em> taking
+six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking
+no more of an injury the same as that between a selfish and a
+generous man?</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A. Because the one is <em>for-getting</em> and the other
+<em>for-giving</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in
+particular, will find Mr. T. Hood&rsquo;s system of incalculable
+service.</p>
+<p>Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which
+will be suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner
+or tea. He has also a few second-hand <em>bon mots</em> which he
+can offer a bargain.</p>
+<p>&there4; A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page3" name="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span>
+<h2>A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF
+&ldquo;CANT.&rdquo;</h2>
+<p>There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of
+Voting, it being a science which hath become exceedingly
+complicated. It is necessary, therefore, to the full development of
+the art, that it be brought into such an exposition, as that it may
+be seen in a glance what are the modes of bribing and influencing
+in Elections. The briber, by this means, will be able to arrange
+his polling-books according to the different categories, and the
+bribed to see in what class he shall most advantageously place
+himself.</p>
+<p>It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly
+experienced in this noble science, but none have yet been able so
+to express it as to bring it (as we hope to have done) within the
+range of the certain sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form
+a part of the public education, and not be subject tot he barbarous
+modes pursued by illogical though earnest and zealous disciples;
+and that the great and glorious Constitution that has done so much
+to bring it to perfection, will, in its turn, be sustained and
+matured by the exercise of what is really in itself so ancient and
+beautiful a practice.</p>
+<!--Transcriber's note: I have put a copy of the original image in the /images folder [votingcant.png] in hopes one day someone will make a nice table of it -->
+<h3>VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS</h3>
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be
+considered,
+<ul>
+<li>1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>He that voteth for dead men.</li>
+<li>He that voteth for empty tenements.</li>
+<li>He that voteth for many men.</li>
+<li>He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>Because he hath a bet that he will vote.</li>
+<li>Because he loveth a lark.</li>
+<li>Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
+<ul style="margin-left:-4em;">
+<li>[Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
+BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible
+into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>He who is upset by a bribed coachman.</li>
+<li>He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put into the
+cage.</li>
+<li>He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong
+way.</li>
+<li>He who is hocussed.</li>
+<li>He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
+<ol>
+<li>He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.</li>
+<li>He who has not been solicited.</li>
+<li>He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.</li>
+<li>He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.</li>
+<li>He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.</li>
+<li>He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He that pretendeth the money is due to him.</li>
+<li>He that pretendeth it is lent.</li>
+<li>He who receiveth it as alms.</li>
+<li>He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated tobacco-pipe, a
+piece of Irish bacon, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in Botany
+Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.</li>
+<li>He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter, curate,
+and the like.</li>
+<li>He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary to the
+Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey, chaplain,
+mail-coach guard, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He that voteth for Walker&rsquo;s Gooseberry, or
+Elector&rsquo;s Sparkling Champagne.</li>
+<li>For sloe-juice, or Elector&rsquo;s fine old crusted Port.</li>
+<li>He who voteth for Brett&rsquo;s British Brandy, or
+Elector&rsquo;s real French Cognac.</li>
+<li>He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, <em>coculus
+Indicus</em>, Spanish juice, or Elector&rsquo;s Extra Double
+Stout.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers, or
+the like.</li>
+<li>He who getteth a contract, for paupers&rsquo; clothing,
+building unions, and the like.</li>
+<li>He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent
+40<em>s</em>. freeholders.</li>
+<li>He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes,
+haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork, pine-apples,
+early peas, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
+<ol>
+<li>By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice
+to quit.</li>
+<li>By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot
+be trusted.</li>
+<li>By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite
+opinion in his employ.</li>
+<li>By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.</li>
+<li>By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and Gretna
+Green.</li>
+<li>By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth him
+be d&mdash;d.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him a
+place.</li>
+<li>He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.</li>
+<li>He who voteth to get into genteel society.</li>
+<li>He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.</li>
+<li>He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a
+large family.</li>
+<li>He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible
+into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who believeth taxes will be taken off.</li>
+<li>He who believeth wages will be raised.</li>
+<li>He who thinketh trade will be increased.</li>
+<li>He who studieth political economy.</li>
+<li>He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and
+listeneth to lectures, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth to support &ldquo;the glorious
+Constitution,&rdquo; and maintain &ldquo;the envy of surrounding
+nations.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
+revenue.</li>
+<li>He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in
+together.</li>
+<li>He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots.</li>
+<li>That the Tories love the poor.</li>
+<li>That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his
+country.</li>
+<li>That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the
+like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth because the candidate&rsquo;s ribbons suit his
+wife&rsquo;s complexion.</li>
+<li>Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
+canvasser.</li>
+<li>Because his wife had the candidate&rsquo;s carriage to make
+calls in, and the like.</li>
+<li>Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince
+Albert Quadrilles.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last
+infant, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible
+into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth on one side because his father always voted on
+the same.</li>
+<li>Because the &ldquo;Wrong-heads&rdquo; and the like had always
+sat for the county.</li>
+<li>Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such as
+Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &amp;c., and so must maintain
+his principle.</li>
+<li>Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
+the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of
+hounds.</li>
+<li>Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name as
+the opposite candidate.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate is of a noble family.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel, and
+the like.</li>
+<li>Because he knoweth the candidate&rsquo;s cousin.</li>
+<li>Because the candidate directed to
+him&mdash;&ldquo;Esq.&rdquo;</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be
+considered as
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as
+<ol>
+<li>He that voteth on both sides.</li>
+<li>Because he tossed up with himself.</li>
+<li>He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who
+hath most votes.</li>
+<li>Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the other,
+to show that he is not influenced.</li>
+<li>Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the
+popular candidate.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as
+<ol>
+<li>He who cannot be trusted.</li>
+<li>He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the
+other.</li>
+<li>He who is not worth bribing.</li>
+<li>He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter was
+not answered.</li>
+<li>He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived, and
+the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into
+<ul>
+<li>1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may
+be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe.</li>
+<li>He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray.</li>
+<li>He who is confused and giveth the wrong name.</li>
+<li>He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested.</li>
+<li>He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the
+candidates, and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may
+be considered as
+<ol>
+<li>He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so
+incensed into voting the opposite way.</li>
+<li>He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so
+outraged into honesty.</li>
+<li>He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife,
+and so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate.</li>
+<li>He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being
+enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.</li>
+<li>He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who
+keepeth a carriage and the like.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ul>
+</li>
+</ul>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page4" name="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span>
+<h2>THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER</h2>
+<p>Have any of PUNCH&rsquo;S readers ever met one of the above
+<em>genus</em>&mdash;or rather, have they not? They must; for the
+race is imbued with the most persevering <em>hic et ubique</em>
+powers. Like the old mole, these Truepennies &ldquo;work i&rsquo;
+th&rsquo; dark:&rdquo; at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole,
+the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British,
+Cambrian, Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and
+Mythological Saloons, they &ldquo;most do congregate.&rdquo; Once
+set your eyes upon them, once become acquainted with their habits
+and manners, and then mistake them if you can. They are themselves,
+alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket jockeys, the
+peripatetic venders, or buyers of &ldquo;old clo&rsquo;,&rdquo; or
+the Albert continuations at <em>one pound one</em>, they appear to
+be <em>made to measure for the same</em>. We must now describe them
+(to speak theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties!
+The entirely new dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of
+the professional singer, i.e. neither one nor the other ever
+<em>were entirely new</em>, and never will be allowed to grow
+entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these worthies is
+generally <em>very</em> blue or <em>very</em> brown; the cut
+whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at
+what precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on
+the probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that
+alone could to long have kept them from Time&rsquo;s remorseless
+maw. The collars are always velvet, and always greasy. There is a
+slight ostentation manifested in the seams, the stitches whereof
+are so apparent as to induce the beholders to believe they must
+have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose labours
+ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
+buttons!&mdash;oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons!
+They, indeed, are the aristocracy&mdash;the yellow turbans, the
+sun, moon, and stars of the woollen system! They have nothing in
+common with the coat&mdash;they are <em>on it</em>, and
+that&rsquo;s all&mdash;they have no further communion&mdash;they
+decline the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their
+living&mdash;they announce themselves as &ldquo;the last new
+fashion&rdquo;&mdash;they sparkle for a week, retire to their
+silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years after, like
+the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine splendour,
+and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
+accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is
+of a material known only to themselves&mdash;a sort of nightmare
+illusion of velvet, covered with a slight tracery of refined
+mortar, curiously picked out and guarded with a nondescript
+collection of the very greenest green pellets of hyson-bloom
+gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment) describe
+the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two
+rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent),
+commencing, to all appearance, at the <em>small of the back</em>,
+and reaching down even to the hem of the garment, which is
+invariably a double-breasted one, made upon the good old dining-out
+principle of leaving plenty of room in the victualling department.
+To complete the catalogue of raiment, the untalkaboutables have so
+little right to the name of drab, that it would cause a controversy
+on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more exquisitely
+illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the portion
+of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes
+of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that
+description of mud-markers known in the purlieus of
+Liecester-square, and at all denominations of
+&ldquo;boots&rdquo;&mdash;great, little, red, and yellow&mdash;as
+eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are
+strapped down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in
+extreme doubt whether the Prussian hero of that name is their
+legitimate sponsor, or the glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt
+isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured that (as there never was a
+<em>pair</em> of either of the illustrious heroes) these gentlemen,
+for the sake of consistency, invariably perambulate in <em>one of
+each</em>. We scarcely know whether it be so or not&mdash;we merely
+relate what we have heard; but we incline to the <em>two
+Bluchers</em>, <em>because</em> of the <em>eight-and-six</em>. The
+only additional expense likely to add any emolument to the
+<em>tanner&rsquo;s</em> interest (we mean no pun) is the immense
+extent of sixpenny straps generally worn. These are described by a
+friend of ours as belonging to the great class of <em>coaxers</em>;
+and their exertions in bringing (as a nautical man would say) the
+trowsers <em>to bear</em> at all, is worthy of notice. There is a
+legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from one of the
+fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty&rsquo;s
+theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief
+peculiarity of the affair being the close approximation of some of
+his principal foreign words to &ldquo;Tol de rol,&rdquo; and
+&ldquo;Fal the ral ra&rdquo;), in which it was asserted, that from
+a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the
+body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that
+commodity. In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void
+is beautifully nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous
+linen-draper could never wish to have less linen on hand. As we are
+describing the <em>genus</em> in <em>black</em> and <em>white</em>,
+we may as well state at once, <em>those</em> are the colours
+generally casing the throats from whence their sweet sounds issue;
+these <em>ties</em> are garnished with union pins, whose strong
+<em>mosaic tendency</em> would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had
+they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of
+the Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing
+world, amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an
+<em>auto-da-fe</em>.</p>
+<p>It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold
+in his head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from
+carrying pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in
+their hands, though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the
+miniture form of French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something
+round the edges about as much in proportion to <em>the box</em> as
+<em>eighteen insides</em> are to a small tax-cart. This testimonial
+is generally (as the engraved inscription purports) given by
+&ldquo;several gentlemen&rdquo; (who are, unfortunately, in these
+instances, always anonymous&mdash;which circumstance, as they are
+invariably described as &ldquo;admirers of talent,&rdquo; is much
+to be regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We
+believe, like the immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at
+four o&rsquo;clock of the morning, with a bald head, and something
+of a round belly; certain it is, they are universally thin in the
+hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of obesity.</p>
+<p>The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously
+chased, and the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this
+no professional singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried,
+and found a failure. Its uses are remarkable and various: like the
+&ldquo;death&rsquo;s-head and cross-bones&rdquo; of the pirates, or
+the wand, globe, and beard of the conjuror, it is their sure and
+unvarying sign. We have in our mind&rsquo;s eye one of the species
+even now&mdash;we see him coquetting with the fork, compressing it
+with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be called into
+requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the proper
+tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
+performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to
+the right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet
+double-breaster&mdash;we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar
+fascination, they fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant
+corner of the smoke-embued apartment&mdash;we perceive the
+extension of the dexter hand employed in innocent dalliance with
+the well-sucked peel of a quarter of an orange, whilst the left is
+employed with the links of what would be a watch-guard, <em>if</em>
+the professional singer <em>had a watch</em>. We hear the three
+distinct hems&mdash;oblivion for a moment seizes us&mdash;the
+glasses jingle&mdash;two auctioneers&rsquo; hammers astonish the
+mahogany&mdash;several dirty hands are brought in violent and noisy
+contact&mdash;we are near a friend of the vocalist&mdash;our glass
+of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties itself over our
+lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic performances
+of the said zealous friend&mdash;and with an exclamation that, were
+Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
+singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and
+half lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the
+&ldquo;creature comfort&rdquo; with infinite satisfaction.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>&mdash;There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure
+compared to that fat man). &ldquo;A glee, gents!&mdash;a
+glee!&rdquo;&mdash;Ah! there they are&mdash;three coats&mdash;three
+collars&mdash;Heaven knows how many buttons!&mdash;three bald
+heads, three stout stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three
+tuning-forks, nodding and conferring with a degree of mystery
+worthy of three Guy Faux.&rdquo;&mdash;What is the subject?</p>
+<p style="text-align:center;">&ldquo;<em>Hail</em> smi<em>lig</em>
+<em>b</em>orn.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>That&rsquo;s a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of
+singing <em>ensemble</em> is totally exploded by these
+gentry&mdash;each professional singer, as a professional singer,
+sings his very loudest, in <em>justice to himself</em>; if his
+brethren want physical power, that&rsquo;s no fault of
+<em>his</em>, <em>he don&rsquo;t</em>. Professional singers indulge
+in small portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements
+is, &ldquo;Non nobis,&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c.; that is, they
+consider they ought to know the airs. The words are generally
+delivered as
+follows:&mdash;<em>Don&mdash;dobis&mdash;do&mdash;by&mdash;de</em>.
+A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this
+line.</p>
+<p>In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to
+mention, they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is
+more Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the
+same&mdash;sit anywhere, just to accommodate&mdash;eat everything,
+to prove they have no squeamish partialities&mdash;know to a
+toothful what a bottom of brandy <em>should be</em>&mdash;the exact
+quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most likely victim to
+<em>drop upon</em> for any further nourishment they may require.
+Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by the
+important information that &ldquo;Harry Phillips knows what
+he&rsquo;s about&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Weber was up to a thing or
+two.&rdquo; A <em>baritone</em> ain&rsquo;t the sort of thing for
+tenor music: and when <em>they</em> sung with some man (nobody ever
+heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn&rsquo;t
+mind&mdash;&ldquo;A cigar?&rdquo; &ldquo;Thank you,
+sir!&mdash;seldom smoke&mdash;put it in my
+pocket&mdash;(<em>aside</em>) that makes a dozen! Your good health,
+sir!&mdash;don&rsquo;t dislike cold, though I generally take it
+warm&mdash;didn&rsquo;t mean that as a hint, but, since you
+<em>have ordered it</em>, I&rsquo;ll give you a
+toast&mdash;Here&rsquo;s&mdash;THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>FUSBOS.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.</h3>
+<h4>&Epsilon;&Iota;&Sigma; &Tau;&Omicron;
+&Lambda;&Epsilon;&Iota;&Nu; &Pi;&Iota;&Nu;&Epsilon;&Nu;.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Bards of old have sung the vine</p>
+<p>Such a theme shall ne&rsquo;er be mine;</p>
+<p>Weaker strains to me belong,</p>
+<p>P&aelig;ans sung to thee, Souchong!</p>
+<p>What though I may never sip</p>
+<p>Rubies from my tea-cup&rsquo;s lip;</p>
+<p>Do not milky pearls combine</p>
+<p>In this steaming cup of mine?</p>
+<p>What though round my youthful brow</p>
+<p>I ne&rsquo;er twine the myrtle&rsquo;s bough?</p>
+<p>For such wreaths my soul ne&rsquo;er grieves.</p>
+<p>Whilst I own my Twankay&rsquo;s leaves.</p>
+<p>Though for me no altar burns,</p>
+<p>Kettles boil and bubble&mdash;urns</p>
+<p>In each fane, where I adore&mdash;</p>
+<p>What should mortal ask for more!</p>
+<p>I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,</p>
+<p>Howqua shall my cup supply;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ll ne&rsquo;er ask for amphor&aelig;,</p>
+<p>Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.</p>
+<p>Then, perchance, above my grave,</p>
+<p>Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;</p>
+<p>And some stately sugar-cane,</p>
+<p>There may spring to life again:</p>
+<p>Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,</p>
+<p>To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page5" name="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span>
+<h2>A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES.</h2>
+<h3>KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG &ldquo;TOBY.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of
+my kennel, thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings
+on you, master, for teaching me that art!), when one of your
+prospectuses was put into my paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog
+in a nobleman&rsquo;s family. Lawk, sir! what misfortunes can have
+befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn author?</p>
+<p>I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with
+<em>dialect</em>&mdash;what a face he had! It was like a
+mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as hollow as the big
+drum, but warn&rsquo;t half so round and noisy. You can&rsquo;t
+have dwindled down to that, sure<em>ly</em>! I couldn&rsquo;t bear
+to see your hump and <em>pars pendula</em> (that&rsquo;s dog Latin)
+shrunk up like dried almonds, and titivated out in msty-fusty
+toggery&mdash;I&rsquo;m sure I couldn&rsquo;t! The very thought of
+it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.</p>
+<p>I whined like any thing, calling to my missus&mdash;for you must
+know that I&rsquo;ve married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you
+ever see. &ldquo;Vixen,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;here&rsquo;s the poor
+old governor up at last&mdash;I knew that Police Act would drive
+him to something desperate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why he hasn&rsquo;t hung himself in earnest, and summoned
+you on his inquest!&rdquo; exclaimed Mrs. T.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Worse nor that,&rdquo; says I; &ldquo;he&rsquo;s turned
+author, and in course is stewed up in some wery elevated apartment
+during this blessed season of the year, when all nature is wagging
+with delight, and the fairs is on, and the police don&rsquo;t want
+nothing to do to warm &lsquo;em, and consequentially sees no harm
+in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It&rsquo;s very
+hawful.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I
+know&rsquo;d she&rsquo;d something in her head, for she always does
+that when anything tickles her. &ldquo;Toby,&rdquo; says she,
+&ldquo;go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort him
+to larrup you a little.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be off at
+once; so put me by a bone or two for supper, should any come out
+while I&rsquo;m gone; and if you can get the puppies to sleep
+before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you.&rdquo; Saying
+which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
+coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as
+a waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a
+orchestra&mdash;he as could only play &ldquo;Jim Crow&rdquo; and
+the &ldquo;Soldier Tired.&rdquo; Thinks I, I may as well pass the
+compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach
+he was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just
+as I was about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a
+cab-horse. Whilst I was waiting for him to come back, I hears the
+off-side horse in the wehicle make the following remark:&mdash;</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE&mdash;(<em>twisting his tail about like
+anything</em>)&mdash;Curse the flies!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;You may say that. I&rsquo;ve had one
+fellow tickling me this half-hour.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun
+actually penetrates my vertebra.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Werterbee! What&rsquo;s that?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE&mdash;(<em>impatiently</em>).&mdash;The spine, my
+friend (<em>whish! whish!</em>)</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Ah! it is a shameful thing to
+<em>dock</em> us as they does. If the marrow in one&rsquo;s
+backbone should melt, it would be sartin to run out at the tip of
+one&rsquo;s tail. I say, how&rsquo;s your <em>feed?</em></p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Very indifferent&mdash;the chaff
+predominates&mdash;(<em>munch</em>) not <em>bene</em> by any
+means.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I
+should be satisfied if they&rsquo;d only make it <em>oaty</em> now
+and then. How long have you been in the hackney line?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I have occupied my present degraded
+position about two years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was
+foaled, that I should ever come to this.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Ah! it ain&rsquo;t very respectable, is
+it?&mdash;especially since the cabs and busses have druv over our
+heads. What was you put to?&mdash;you look as if you had been well
+brought up.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;My mama was own sister to
+<em>Lottery</em>, but unfortunately married a horse much below her
+in pedigree. I was the produce of that union. At five years old I
+entered the army under Ensign Dashard.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Bless me, how odd! I was bought at
+Horncastle, to serve in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found
+out I&rsquo;d a splint, and wouldn&rsquo;t have me! I say,
+ain&rsquo;t that stout woman with a fat family looking at us?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I&rsquo;m afraid she is. People of her
+grade in society are always partial to a dilatory
+shillingworth.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or
+Ludgate-hill, or Mutton-hill, or a <em>hill</em> somewhere.</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Coach!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;She&rsquo;s ahailing us! I wonder whether
+she&rsquo;s narvous? I&rsquo;ll let out with my hind leg a
+bit&mdash;(<em>kick</em>)&mdash;O Lord! the rheumatiz!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Pray don&rsquo;t. I abjure subterfuges;
+they are unworthy of a thoroughbred.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven&rsquo;t
+you just acknowledged that you were a cocktail? Thank God!
+she&rsquo;s moving on. Hallo! there&rsquo;s old Readypenny!&mdash;a
+willanous Tory.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I beg to remark that my principles are
+Conservative.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;And I beg to remark that mine
+isn&rsquo;t. I sarved Readypenny out at Westminster &lsquo;lection
+the other day. He got into our coach to go to the poll, and I
+wouldn&rsquo;t draw an inch. I warn&rsquo;t agoing to take up a
+plumper for Rous.</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I declare the obese female returns.</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Coach! Hallo! Coach!</p>
+<p>WATERMAN.&mdash;Here you is, ma&rsquo;am. Kuck! kuck!
+kuck!&mdash;Come along!&mdash;(<em>Pulling the coach and
+horses</em>).</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and
+this brute will pull my head off.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Keep it on one side, and you spiles his
+purchase.</p>
+<p>WATERMAN&mdash;Come up, you old brute!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Old brute! What evidence of a low
+mind!&mdash;[<em>The stout woman and fat family ascend the steps of
+the coach</em>].</p>
+<p>COACH.&mdash;O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!&mdash;O law!
+Week! week!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Do you hear how the poor old thing&rsquo;s
+a sufferin&rsquo;?&mdash;She must feel it a good deal to have her
+squabs sat on by everybody as can pay for her. She was built by
+Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of Dorsetshire. I wonder her
+perch don&rsquo;t break&mdash;she has been crazy a long time.</p>
+<p>WATERMAN.&mdash;Snow-hill&mdash;opposite the Saracen&rsquo;s
+Head.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I know&rsquo;d it!</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Kuck! kuck!</p>
+<p>WHIP.&mdash;Whack! whack!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra
+exertion may save us from flagellation.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Well, I&rsquo;m pulling, ain&rsquo;t
+I?</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I don&rsquo;t like to dispute your word;
+but&mdash;(<em>whack</em>)&mdash;Oh! that was an abrasion on my
+shoulder.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;A <em>raw</em> you mean. Who&rsquo;s not
+pulling now, I should like to know!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;I couldn&rsquo;t help hopping then; you
+know what a <em>grease</em> I have in my hind leg.</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Well, haven&rsquo;t I a splint and a
+corn, and ain&rsquo;t one of my fore fetlocks got a formoses, and
+my hind legs the stringhalt?</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Stop! stop!</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Whoo up!&mdash;d&mdash;n you!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;There goes my last masticator!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;And I&rsquo;m blow&rsquo;d if he
+hasn&rsquo;t jerked my head so that he&rsquo;s given me a crick in
+the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we shall save
+the hill.</p>
+<p>WOMAN.&mdash;Three doors higher up.</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Chuck! chuck!</p>
+<p>WHIP.&mdash;Whack! whack!</p>
+<p>COACHMAN.&mdash;Come up, you varmint!</p>
+<p>OFF-SIDE HORSE&mdash;Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great
+Lottery! O Pegasus! what shall I come to next!</p>
+<p>NEAR-SIDE HORSE.&mdash;Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork
+sassages!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that
+I was obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant
+way of taking me by the scruff of my neck if I ain&rsquo;t pretty
+regular in my hours.</p>
+<p>Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>COURT CIRCULAR.</h3>
+<p>Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose
+services we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the
+enlightened manager of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to
+advance the interest of the drama is only equalled by his ignorance
+of the means.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined
+himself entirely to <em>stews</em>.</p>
+<p>Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the
+reception of two Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the
+infant Princess; which delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday
+next.</p>
+<p>Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
+consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the
+<em>premiership</em>?</p>
+<p>Mr. Moreton Dyer, &ldquo;<em>the amateur turner</em>,&rdquo; has
+been a frequent visitor at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is
+whispered, has been receiving lessons in the art. We are surprised
+to hear this, for we always considered his lordship a Talleyrand in
+<em>turning</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION.</h3>
+<h4>(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A &ldquo;NOTED&rdquo; TAILOR&rsquo;S
+BILL.)</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>By winter&rsquo;s chill the fragrant flower is nipp&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p class="i2">To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;</p>
+<p>The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp&rsquo;d,</p>
+<p class="i2">A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The a&euml;rial songster moults his plumerie,</p>
+<p class="i2">To vie in sleekness with each feather&rsquo;d
+brother:</p>
+<p>A twelvemonth&rsquo;s wear hath ta&rsquo;en thy nap from
+thee,</p>
+<p class="i2">My seedy coat!&mdash;When shall I get another?</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>NOTE.&mdash;Confiding tailors are entreated to send their
+addresses, pre-paid, to PUNCH&rsquo;S office.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;None need apply who <em>refuse</em> three
+years&rsquo; acceptances. If the bills be made <em>renewable</em>,
+by agreement, &ldquo;continuations&rdquo; will be taken in any
+quantity.&mdash;FITZROY FIPS.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page6" name="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span>
+<h2>STREET POLITICS.</h2>
+<h3>A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER.</h3>
+<p>(<em>Enter</em> PUNCH.)</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?</p>
+<p>(<em>Sings.</em>)</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Wheel about and turn about,</p>
+<p class="i2">And do jes so;</p>
+<p>Ebery time I turn about,</p>
+<p class="i2">I jump Jim Crow.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky
+to-day.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Yes, yes; I&rsquo;ve been making myself as hoarse
+as a hog, bawling to the free and independent electors of Grogswill
+all the morning. They have done me the honour to elect me as their
+representative in Parliament. I&rsquo;m an M.P. now.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.</p>
+<p>THE DOG TOBY.&mdash;Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Fact, upon my honour. I&rsquo;m at this moment an
+unit in the collective stupidity of the nation.</p>
+<p>DOG TOBY.&mdash;R-r-r-r-r-r&mdash;wough&mdash;wough!</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never
+see a legislator before, that he barks at me so?</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of
+yours! Ho! ho! ho! ho!</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the
+material generally used in the manufacture of political puppets.
+There will be more blockheads than mine in St. Stephen&rsquo;s, I
+can tell you. And as for oratory, why I flatter my whiskers
+I&rsquo;ll astonish them in that line.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But on what principles did you get into
+Parliament, Mr. Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;I&rsquo;d have you know, sir, I&rsquo;m above
+having any principles but those that put money in my pocket.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;I mean on what interest did you start?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic,
+and noble feeling that a public man can entertain.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you
+have come in as a Whig or a Tory?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base,
+rascally, paltry, beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their
+policy, and&mdash;</p>
+<p>THE DOG TOBY.&mdash;Bow, wow, wough, wough!</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I
+understood you were always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the
+present Government.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as
+they supported themselves; but now that the old house is coming
+down about their ears, I turn my back on them in virtuous
+indignation, and take my seat in the opposition &lsquo;bus.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;-But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Where every politician&rsquo;s is, sir&mdash;in my
+breeches&rsquo; pocket.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;And your consistency, Mr. Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;What a green chap you are, after all. A public
+man&rsquo;s consistency! It&rsquo;s only a popular delusion, sir.
+I&rsquo;ll tell you what&rsquo;s consistency, sir. When one
+gentleman&rsquo;s <em>in</em> and won&rsquo;t come <em>out</em>,
+and when another gentleman&rsquo;s <em>out</em> and can&rsquo;t get
+<em>in</em>, and when both gentlemen persevere in their
+determination&mdash;that&rsquo;s consistency.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;I understand; but still I think it is the duty of
+every public man to&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;(<em>sings</em>)&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wheel about and turn about, And do jes so; Ebery time he
+turn about, He jumps Jim Crow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the
+Whigs are not very flattering?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;&rsquo;Tis all up with them, as the young lady
+remarked when Mr. Green and his friends left Wauxhall in the
+balloon; they haven&rsquo;t a chance. The election returns are
+against them everywhere. England deserts them&mdash;Ireland fails
+them&mdash;Scotland alone sticks with national attachment to their
+backs, like a&mdash;</p>
+<p>THE DOG TOBY.&mdash;Bow, wow, wow, wough!</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Of course, then, the Tories will take
+office&mdash;?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been
+licking their chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while
+the sneaking Whigs were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits
+within? Have they not growled and snarled all the while, and proved
+by their barking that they were the fittest guardians of the
+country? Have they not wept over the decay of our ancient and
+venerable constitution&mdash;? And have they not promised and
+vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would&mdash;Send
+round the hat.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know
+what the Tories mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the
+people cheap food?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;No, but they&rsquo;ll give them cheap drink.
+They&rsquo;ll throw open the Thames for the use of the temperance
+societies.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But if we don&rsquo;t have cheap corn, our trade
+must be destroyed, our factories will be closed, and our mills left
+idle.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;There you&rsquo;re wrong. Our tread-mills will be
+in constant work; and, though our factories should be empty, our
+prisons will be quite full.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;That&rsquo;s all very well, Mr. Punch; but the
+people will grumble a <em>leetle</em> if you starve them.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no
+idea of being grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation!
+Pooh!&mdash;I&rsquo;ve studied political economy in a workhouse,
+and I know what it means. They&rsquo;ve got a fine plan in those
+workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
+homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
+infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud
+stomachs that they object to the diet, and actually die through
+spite and villany. Oh! &rsquo;tis a dreadful world for ingratitude!
+But never mind&mdash;Send round the hat.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr.
+Punch?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;It means&mdash;when a man has got nothing for
+breakfast, he may slide his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he
+has got nothing for lunch, he may slide that into his dinner; and
+if he labours under the same difficulties with respect to the
+dinner, he may slide all three meals into his supper.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But if the man has got no supper?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Then let him wish he may get it.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;Oh! that&rsquo;s your sliding scale?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the
+suppression of victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the
+hat.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not
+be favourable to free trade?</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your
+new-fangled notions that mean nothing but free plunder. I&rsquo;ll
+illustrate my position. I&rsquo;m a boy in a school, with a bag of
+apples, which, being the only apples on my form, I naturally sell
+at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling in a
+considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with
+a bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny,
+which, of course, knocks up my trade.</p>
+<p>MANAGER.&mdash;But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.</p>
+<p>PUNCH.&mdash;D&mdash;n the community! I know of no community but
+PUNCH and Co. I&rsquo;m for centralization&mdash;and
+individualization&mdash;every man for himself, and PUNCH for us
+all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my form,
+and see how I&rsquo;ll cobb him. So now&mdash;send round the
+hat&mdash;and three cheers for</p>
+<h4>PUNCH&rsquo;S POLITICS.</h4>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.</h3>
+<h4>No. 1.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why this lonely path you seek;</p>
+<p>Every step is fraught with danger</p>
+<p class="i2">Unto one so fair and meek.</p>
+<p>Where are they that <em>should</em> protect thee</p>
+<p class="i2">In this darkling hour of doubt?</p>
+<p>Love <em>could</em> never thus neglect thee!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><em>Does your mother know you&rsquo;re out?</em></p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?</p>
+<p class="i2">Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!</p>
+<p>Sure thine heart is overladen,</p>
+<p class="i2">When each breath is fraught with sighs.</p>
+<p>Say, hath care life&rsquo;s heaven clouded,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which hope&rsquo;s stars were wont to spangle?</p>
+<p>What hath all thy gladness shrouded?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><em>Has your mother sold her mangle?</em></p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE.</h3>
+<p>We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W&mdash;&mdash;,
+that, for the convenience of the public, he has put down one of his
+carriages, and given orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the
+construction of an easy and elegant <em>stretcher.</em></p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page7" name="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span>
+<h2>CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-04.png"><img src=
+"images/001-04.png" alt=
+"A series of vignettes with candidates: CANVASSING. What a love of a child THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life"
+id="img001-04" name="img001-04" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>CANVASSING. What a love of a child<br />
+THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy<br />
+THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals<br />
+THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg<br />
+THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life</p>
+</div>
+<!-- blank page [pg 8] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page9" name="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span>
+<h2>FINE ARTS.</h2>
+<p>PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists
+in general, that should the violent cold with which he has been
+from time immemorial afflicted, and which, although it has caused
+his voice to appear like an infant Lablache screaming through
+horse-hair and thistles, yet has not very materially affected him
+otherwise&mdash;should it not deprive him of existence&mdash;please
+Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every exhibition of
+modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further, that he
+will most unequivocally be down with his <em>coup de baton</em>
+upon every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.</p>
+<p>That he independently rejects the principles upon which these
+matters are generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an
+assurance: should the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer
+to paint PUNCH&rsquo;S portrait in any of the most favourite and
+fashionable styles, from the purest production of the general
+mourning school&mdash;and all performed by scissars&mdash;to the
+exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal Academy, even
+though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real carmine,
+and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH would
+not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
+landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for
+PUNCH&mdash;none of your insinuating cabinet gems&mdash;no
+Art-<em>ful</em> Union system of doing things&mdash;Hopkins to
+praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for another&mdash;and as
+PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen corners, and,
+notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to screen
+it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little
+affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in
+front of his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time,
+to prove that PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of
+pseudo-criticism, he has prepared the following description of the
+private view of either the Royal Academy or the Suffolk-street
+Gallery, or the British Institution, for 1842, for the lovers of
+this very light style of reading; and to make it as truly
+applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection
+or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner
+practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be
+exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what
+strict attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an
+intimate knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to
+displays, and with what consummate skill he blends those
+peculiarities, the reader will have the kindness to attach the
+criticism to either of the works (hereunder catalogued) most
+agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that this is a
+thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft
+anointment.</p>
+<table summary="Unerring Comments For Paintings" style=
+"width: 75%; margin: 0 0 0 10%;">
+<tr>
+<td colspan="2">
+<h3>THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY:</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the miscreant who
+attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath.</td>
+<td rowspan="5" style=
+"width:50%;padding-left:1em; border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">
+The head is extremely well painted, and the light and shade
+distributed with the artist's usual judgement.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">VALENTINE VERMILION.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of His Majesty the King
+of Hanover.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the boy who got into
+Buckingham Palace.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">GEOFFERY GLAZEM.</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:center;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">OR
+THUS:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Lord John
+Russell.</td>
+<td rowspan="5" style=
+"padding-left:1em;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">An
+admirable likeness of the original, and executed with that breadth
+and clearness so apparent in this clever painter's works.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of W. Grumbletone,
+Esq., in the character of Joseph Surface.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">PETER PALETTE.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Sir Robert Peel</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:center;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">OR
+THUS:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the Empress of
+Russia.</td>
+<td rowspan="6" style=
+"padding-left:1em;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">A
+well-drawn and brilliantly painted portrait, calculated to sustain
+the fame already gained by this our favourite painter.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">VANDYKE BROWN.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of the infant
+Princess.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Mary Mumblegums,
+aged 170 years.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">BY THE SAME.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td colspan="2" style="padding-top:2em;">
+<h3>THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">The Death of Abel.</td>
+<td rowspan="9" style=
+"width:50%;padding-left:1em; border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">
+This picture is well arranged and coloured with much truth to
+nature; the chiaro-scuro is admirably managed.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">MICHAEL McGUELP.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Dead Game.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Vesuvius in Eruption.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">CHARLES CARMINE, R.A.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portraits of Mrs. Punch and
+Child.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">R.W. BUSS.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Cattle returning from the
+Watering Place.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">R. BOLLOCK.</td>
+<td rowspan="2" style=
+"text-align:center;border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">OR
+THUS:</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">"We won't go home till
+Morning."</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">M. WATERFORD, R.H.S.</td>
+<td rowspan="9" style=
+"width:50%;padding-left:1em; border-style:dashed;border-width: 0 0 0 1pt;">
+This is one of the cleverest productions in the Exhibition; there
+is a transparency in the shadows equal to Rembrandt.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">The infant Cupid sleeping.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">R. DADD.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Lord
+Palmerston.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">A.L.L. UPTON.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Coast Scene: Smugglers on the
+look out.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">H. PARKER.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding:1em 1em 0 0em;">Portrait of Captain Rous,
+M.P.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="text-align:right;">J. WOOD.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a
+little too oily, they can easily add such a tag as the
+following:&mdash;&ldquo;In our humble judgment, a little more
+delicacy of handling would not be altogether out of place;&rdquo;
+or, &ldquo;Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we
+recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing
+previous productions by the same.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3>FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED:</h3>
+<p>This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see
+the vigour of handling and smartness of conception formerly
+apparent in his works: or, &ldquo;A little stricter attention to
+drawing, as well as composition, would render this artist&rsquo;s
+works more recommendatory.&rdquo;</p>
+<h3>THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED:</h3>
+<p>Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately:
+&ldquo;A perfect daub, possessing not one single quality necessary
+to create even the slightest interest&mdash;a disgrace to the
+Exhibition&mdash;who allowed such a wretched production to disgrace
+these walls?&mdash;woefully out of drawing, and as badly
+coloured,&rdquo; and such like.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS.</h2>
+<h3>BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,</p>
+<p>For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost
+everywhere;</p>
+<p>And the blazing red of my beadle&rsquo;s coat is turning to pink
+through fear,</p>
+<p>Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time
+about the end of the year.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent
+portico</p>
+<p>Of Somerset House, that I don&rsquo;t know what I should do if I
+was for to go!</p>
+<p>What the electors are at, I can&rsquo;t make out, upon my
+soul,</p>
+<p>For it&rsquo;s a law of natur&rsquo; that the <em>whig</em>
+should be atop of the <em>poll</em>.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve had a snug berth of it here for some time, and
+don&rsquo;t want to cut the connexion;</p>
+<p>But they <em>do</em> say the Whigs must go out, because
+they&rsquo;ve NO OTHER ELECTION;</p>
+<p>What they mean by that, I <em>don&rsquo;t</em> know, for
+ain&rsquo;t they been electioneering&mdash;</p>
+<p>That is, they&rsquo;ve been canvassing, and spouting, and
+pledging, and ginning, and beering.</p>
+<p>Hasn&rsquo;t Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and
+Lord John Russell,</p>
+<p>For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one
+alarming <em>bussel</em>?</p>
+<p>Ain&rsquo;t the two <em>first</em> retired into private
+life&mdash;(that&rsquo;s the genteel for being rejected)?</p>
+<p>And what&rsquo;s more, the <em>last</em> four, strange to say,
+have all been elected.</p>
+<p>Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his
+coat collar,</p>
+<p>Hav&rsquo;n&rsquo;t they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he
+could beat them <em>Hollar</em>?</p>
+<p>Then at Lambeth, ain&rsquo;t Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been
+both on &lsquo;em bottled</p>
+<p>By Mr. D&rsquo;Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and
+mottled!</p>
+<p>And hasn&rsquo;t Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore
+Napier,</p>
+<p>Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any
+chap queer?</p>
+<p>Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a <em>Cleave</em>-r for
+Marrowbone looks cranky,</p>
+<p>Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out &ldquo;<em>No
+Sankee?</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Then South&rsquo;ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B.
+Wood,</p>
+<p>Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his
+duty&mdash;he would!</p>
+<p>Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson,
+find that they&rsquo;re in the wrong box,</p>
+<p>For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly
+followed the Fox;</p>
+<p>Whilst Westminster&rsquo;s chosen Rous&mdash;not Rouse of the
+Eagle&mdash;tho&rsquo; I once seed a</p>
+<p>Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a
+<em>goose</em>, along with a Leda.</p>
+<p>And hasn&rsquo;t Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A&rsquo;Court been down
+to Tamworth to be reseated?</p>
+<p>They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such
+fatigue, for its always&mdash;ditto repeated.</p>
+<p>Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
+considerable fume,</p>
+<p>Who finds it no go, though he&rsquo;s added up the poll-books
+several times with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.</p>
+<p>So if there&rsquo;s been <em>no other election</em>, I should
+like to find out</p>
+<p>What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and
+blackguarding, losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every
+other <em>et cetera</em>, has been about!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Black bottles at Brighton,</p>
+<p class="i2">To darken your fame;</p>
+<p>Black Sundays at Hounslow,</p>
+<p class="i2">To add to your shame.</p>
+<p>Black balls at the club,</p>
+<p class="i2">Show Lord Hill&rsquo;s growing duller:</p>
+<p>He should change your command</p>
+<p class="i2">To the <em>guards</em> of that colour.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page10" name="page10"></a>[pg
+10]</span>
+<h2>ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH
+LANGUAGE.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-05.png"><img src=
+"images/001-05.png" alt="A man thumbing his nose" id="img001-05"
+name="img001-05" width="25%" /></a></div>
+<p>English&mdash;it has been remarked a thousand and odd
+times&mdash;is one of the few languages which is unaccompanied with
+gesticulation. Your veritable Englishman, in his discourse, is as
+chary as your genuine Frenchman is prodigal, of action. The one
+speaks like an oracle, the other like a telegraph.</p>
+<p>Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation,
+with his hands fast locked in his breeches&rsquo; pocket, and his
+features as calm as a horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the
+<em>debut</em> of the new <em>danseuse</em>, with several kisses on
+the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left side of his
+satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two shoulders,
+like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.</p>
+<p>The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The
+deficiency of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of
+that prudence which is so marked a feature of the English
+character. Mr. Brown, perhaps, objects to using two means to attain
+his end when one is sufficient, and consequently looks upon all
+gesticulation during conversation as a wicked waste of physical
+labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of Pol. Econ.
+has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in
+pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much
+money in the dirt&mdash;a crime which he regards as second in
+depravity only to that of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many
+years back, we were a nation of shopkeepers; and time seems to have
+increased, rather than diminished, our devotion to the ledger. Gold
+has become our sole standard of excellence. We measure a
+man&rsquo;s respectability by his banker&rsquo;s account, and mete
+out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very
+nobility is a nobility of the breeches&rsquo; pocket; and the
+highest personage in the realm&mdash;her most gracious
+Majesty&mdash;the most gracious Majesty of 500,000<em>l</em>. per
+annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial people like the
+Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage should be
+thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like
+ourselves, it is equally natural that a man&rsquo;s worthiness
+should be computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this
+commercial spirit, which, for the reason before assigned, is
+opposed to the introduction of pantomime among us; and it is
+therefore to this spirit that we would appeal, in our endeavours to
+supply a deficiency which we cannot but look upon as a national
+misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a cold-blooded race
+of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all our wants are
+satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for the
+benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is
+coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their
+appearance amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly
+confined to that class upon whose manners politeness places little
+or no restraint&mdash;barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as
+the book of etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very
+reason, such a change would naturally first begin to show itself:)
+yet do we trust, by pointing out to the more refined portion of the
+&ldquo;British public,&rdquo; the advantage that must necessarily
+accrue from the general cultivation of the art of pantomime, by
+proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively tedious
+operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a
+far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of
+time, and that with a saving of one-half the muscular
+exertion&mdash;a point so perfectly consonant with the present
+prevailing desire for cheap and rapid communication&mdash;that we
+say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher classes to look
+upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of expression,
+but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the most
+polite and useful of all accomplishments.</p>
+<div class="figleft"><a href="images/001-06.png"><img src=
+"images/001-06.png" alt="A man winking" id="img001-06" name=
+"img001-06" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p>But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all
+their comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in
+the first place, say a few words on language in general.</p>
+<p>It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language
+among men&mdash;the written and the spoken: whereas it follows,
+from the very nature of language itself, that there must
+necessarily be as many modes of conveying our impressions to our
+fellow-creatures, as there are senses or modes of receiving
+impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses and five
+languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the
+gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and
+literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language,
+may be cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince&rsquo;s Mixture
+to a stranger, or a bottle of &ldquo;Bouquet du Roi&rdquo; to a
+fair acquaintance; both of which are but forms of expressing to
+them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an organ but little
+cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it is,
+therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that
+which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to
+be imbibed with our mother&rsquo;s milk. What words can speak
+affection to the child like elecampane&mdash;what language assures
+us of the remembrance of an absent friend like a brace of
+wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the eloquence of dinners?
+A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these to all guests
+the very emblems of esteem&mdash;and turtle, venison, and
+champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a
+particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration
+of the genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be
+conveyed so fitly as in a public dinner? or if a candidate be
+anxious to convince the &ldquo;free and independent electors&rdquo;
+of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for the
+commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the
+general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth
+and last species of language, innumerable instances might be
+quoted. All understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and
+caresses&mdash;between being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked
+rapidly down stairs. Who, however ignorant, could look upon the
+latter as a compliment? or what fair maiden, however simple, would
+require a master to teach her how to construe a gentle compression
+of her fingers at parting, or a tender pressure of her toe under
+the dinner table?</p>
+<p>Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining
+to man. There is, however, one other&mdash;that which forms the
+subject of the present article&mdash;Pantomime, and which may be
+considered as the natural form of the visible
+language&mdash;literature being taken as the artificial. This is
+the most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the
+earliest, as it is the most intuitive&mdash;the smiles and frowns
+of the mother being the first signs understood by the infant.
+Indeed, if we consider for a moment that all existence is but a
+Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin, changing to-day into
+yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age, and life into
+death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets of the
+scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art
+which constitutes the very essence of existence itself.
+&ldquo;Speech,&rdquo; says Talleyrand, that profound political
+pantomimist, &ldquo;was given to <em>conceal</em> our
+thoughts;&rdquo; and truly this is the chief use to which it is
+applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words.
+Let but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand
+desideratum must be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates,
+instead of being able, as now, to become legislators by simply
+professing to be patriots, will be placed in the awkward
+predicament of having first to <em>act</em> as such; and that the
+clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the mere
+preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a
+portion to charitable purposes, and <em>practise</em> it.</p>
+<p>Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold
+advantages of this beautiful art shall be generally known, it
+cannot fail of becoming the principle of universal communication.
+Nor do we despair of ultimately finding the elegant Lord A. avowing
+his love for the beautiful Miss B., by gently closing one of his
+eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that doubt and
+incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of
+&ldquo;Love&rsquo;s young dream,&rdquo; by a gentle indication with
+the dexter hand over the sinister shoulder.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-07.png"><img src=
+"images/001-07.png" alt=
+"A man laying a finger aside of his nose, and another with a thumbs-up"
+id="img001-07" name="img001-07" width="50%" /></a></div>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN.</h3>
+<p>An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen&rsquo;s
+Bench against Mr. Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a
+person named Clark, in wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other
+refreshments, during a contest for the representation of the
+borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who it appears was
+chairman of Mr. Walter&rsquo;s committee, swore that <em>every
+thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him.</em> By a
+remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this
+tippling case was <em>Mr. Lush.</em></p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page11" name="page11"></a>[pg
+11]</span>
+<h2>AN ODE.</h2>
+<h3>PICKED UP IN KILLPACK&rsquo;S DIVAN.</h3>
+<h4>Cum notis variorum.</h4>
+<blockquote class="note">&ldquo;Excise Court.&mdash;An information
+was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling spirituous liquor. Mr.
+James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that there was a club
+held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was treasurer, and many
+others of the theatrical profession were members, and that they had
+a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined &pound;5 in
+each case.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Observer</em></blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<h6>INVOCATION.</h6>
+<p>Assist, ye jocal nine<sup>1</sup>,<span class="sidenote">1.
+&ldquo;Ye jocal nine,&rdquo; a happy modification of &ldquo;Ye
+vocal nine.&rdquo; The nine here so classically invocated are
+manifestly nine of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1.
+Mr. D&mdash;s J&mdash;d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer
+and store-keeper. 3. Mr. G&mdash;e S&mdash;h, sub-ed.
+J&mdash;&mdash; B&mdash;&mdash;. 4. Mr. B&mdash;d, Mem. Dram.
+Author&rsquo;s Society. 5. C&mdash;s S&mdash;y, ditto. 6. Mr.
+C&mdash;e. 7. Mr. C&mdash;s, T&mdash;s, late of the firm of
+T&mdash;s and P&mdash;t. 8. Mr. J&mdash;e A&mdash;n, Mem. Soc.
+British Artists. 9, and lastly, &ldquo;though not least,&rdquo; the
+author of &ldquo;You loved me not in happier days.&rdquo;</span>
+inspire my soul!</p>
+<p>(Waiter! a go of Brett&rsquo;s best alcohol,</p>
+<p>A light, and one of Killpack&rsquo;s mild Havannahs).</p>
+<p>Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas</p>
+<p>I sing of what we were&mdash;of what we <em>now</em> are.</p>
+<p class="i4">Wildly let me rave,</p>
+<p class="i4">To imprecate the knave</p>
+<p>Whose curious <em>information</em> turned our porter sour,</p>
+<p>Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)</p>
+<p class="i6">Brown,</p>
+<p class="i6">Down</p>
+<p>Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;</p>
+<p>Changing, despite our <em>belle esprit</em>, at one fell
+<em>swop</em>,</p>
+<p>Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<h6>ODE.</h6>
+<p>Then little Bob arose,</p>
+<p class="i4">And doff&rsquo;d his clothes,</p>
+<p>Exclaiming, &ldquo;Momus! Stuff!</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve played him long enough,&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,</p>
+<p>Behold me ready <em>dressed</em> to play young Bacchus.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-08.png"><img src=
+"images/001-08.png" alt=
+"Bacchus straddling a barrel marked 'Best British Brandy Not Permitted'"
+id="img001-08" name="img001-08" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p class="i2">He said<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2.
+&ldquo;He said.&rdquo;&mdash;Deeply imbued with the style of the
+most polished of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit
+in some passages an imitation of it which might be considered
+pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The literal
+rendering of the &lsquo;<em>dixit</em>&rsquo; of the ancient
+epicists, strikes us as being eitremely forcible
+here.&mdash;PUNCH.</span> his legs the barrel span,</p>
+<p class="i2">And thus the Covent Garden god began;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;GENTLEMEN,&mdash;I am&mdash;ahem&mdash;!&mdash;I beg your
+pardon,</p>
+<p>But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden&mdash;</p>
+<p>No, I don&rsquo;t mean that, I mean to say,</p>
+<p>That if we were&mdash;ahem!&mdash;to pay</p>
+<p>So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of
+&lsquo;Hear!&rsquo;]</p>
+<p>Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;</p>
+<p>In short, <em>small</em> duty pay on all we sup&mdash;</p>
+<p>Ahem!&mdash;you understand&mdash;I give it up.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i4">The speech was ended,</p>
+<p class="i4">And Bob descended.</p>
+<p>The club was formed. A spicy club it was&mdash;</p>
+<p>Especially on Saturdays; because</p>
+<p>They dined extr&rsquo;ordinary cheap at five o&rsquo;clock:</p>
+<p>When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.</p>
+<p>Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court
+gazetteers&mdash;</p>
+<p>Odd fellows all&mdash;<em>odder</em> than all their club
+compeers.</p>
+<p>Some were sub-editors, others reporters,</p>
+<p>And more <em>illuminati</em>, joke-importers.</p>
+<p class="i4">The club was heterogen&rsquo;ous</p>
+<p class="i4">By strangers seen as</p>
+<p>A refuge for destitute <em>bons mots</em>&mdash;</p>
+<p><em>D&eacute;p&ocirc;t</em> for leaden jokes and pewter
+pots;</p>
+<p>Repertory for gin and <em>jeux d&rsquo;esprit</em>,</p>
+<p>Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;</p>
+<p>Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;</p>
+<p>Gall&rsquo;ry for Tomkins and
+Pitt-icisms;<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3. A play-bill
+reminiscence, viz. &ldquo;The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins and
+Pitt.&rdquo;&mdash;THE AUTHORS OF &ldquo;BUT,
+HOWEVER.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p>Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;</p>
+<p>In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,</p>
+<p class="i4">Hear me while I say</p>
+<p class="i4">&ldquo;<em>Donnez-moi du frenzy, s&rsquo;il vous
+plait!</em>&rdquo;<sup>4</sup><span class="sidenote">4.
+&ldquo;Donnez-moi,&rdquo; &amp;c.&mdash;The classics of all
+countries are aptly drawn upon by the universal erudition of our
+bard. A fine parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel&rsquo;s
+starving author: &ldquo;La Gloire&mdash;donnez-moi do
+pain!&rdquo;&mdash;FENWICK DE PORQUET.</span></p>
+<p>Give me a most tremendous fit</p>
+<p>Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or deep anathema,</p>
+<p class="i4">Fatal as J&mdash;d&rsquo;s bah!</p>
+<p>To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.</p>
+<p>May genial gin no more delight <em>their</em>
+throttles&mdash;</p>
+<p><em>Their</em> casks grow leaky, bottomless <em>their</em>
+bottles;</p>
+<p>May smugglers <em>run</em>, and they ne&rsquo;er make a
+seizure;</p>
+<p>May <em>they</em>&mdash;I&rsquo;ll curse them further at my
+leisure.</p>
+<p class="i4">But for our club,</p>
+<p class="i4">&ldquo;Ay, there&rsquo;s the rub.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We mourn it dead in its father&rsquo;s
+halls:&rdquo;<sup>5</sup><span class="sidenote">5. &ldquo;They
+mourn it dead,&rdquo; &amp;c.&mdash;A pretty, but perhaps too
+literal allusion to a popular song&mdash;J.
+RODWELL.</span>&mdash;</p>
+<p>The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;</p>
+<p class="i4">No stuffing there,</p>
+<p class="i4">Not even in a chair;</p>
+<p>The spirits are all <em>ex</em>(or)<em>cised</em>,</p>
+<p>The coffee-cups capsized,</p>
+<p>The coffee <em>fine</em>-d, the snuff all taken,</p>
+<p>The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:</p>
+<p>The utter ruin of the club&rsquo;s achieven&mdash;</p>
+<p>Our very chess-boards are ex-<em>chequered</em> even.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Where is our club?&rdquo;
+X&mdash;sighs,<sup>6</sup><span class="sidenote">6.
+&ldquo;X&mdash;sighs.&rdquo;&mdash;Who &ldquo;X&rdquo; may happen
+to be we have not the remotest idea. But who would not forgive a
+little mystification for so brilliant a pun?&mdash;THE GHOST OF
+PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</span> and with a stare</p>
+<p>Like to another echo, answers &ldquo;Where?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>MR. HUME.</h3>
+<p>We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from
+his parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the
+neighbourhood of the House of Commons, for the instruction of
+members only, in the principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to
+remedy in some measure his own absence from the Finance Committees,
+he is now engaged in preparing a Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We
+heartily wish him success.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;PRIVATE.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is
+intended to confer the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord
+Clanwilliam. It would be difficult to select an individual more
+<em>peculiarly</em> fitted for the situation than his lordship,
+whose <em>love of letters</em> is notorious in the Carlton
+Club.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Extract from an Intercepted Letter.</em></p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE
+AMENDS?&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if
+their party should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour
+to conciliate the Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former
+opponents. We have no doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity
+of the step, and would feel grateful for support from any quarter;
+but we much doubt the practicability of the measure. It would
+indeed he a strange sight to see Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two
+great leaders of the opposition engines, with their followers,
+meeting amicably on the floor of the House of Commons. In our
+opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the result of
+these</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-09.png"><img src=
+"images/001-09.png" alt=
+"Four trains meeting at an intersection with bodies strewn about."
+id="img001-09" name="img001-09" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page12" name="page12"></a>[pg
+12]</span>
+<h2>THE DRAMA.</h2>
+<p>The &ldquo;star system&rdquo; has added another victim to the
+many already sacrificed to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps,
+an actor whose personation of <em>Macduff</em>, the <em>Hunchback,
+Jaques</em>, &amp;c., would have procured for him in former times
+no mean position, has been compelled to secede from the Haymarket
+Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the continual
+sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one to
+whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The
+part assigned to Mr. Phelps (<em>Friar Lawrence</em>) requires an
+actor of considerable powers, and under the old
+<em>r&eacute;gime</em> would have deteriorated nothing from Mr.
+Phelps&rsquo; position; but we can understand the motives which
+influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the practice of
+actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr.
+Phelps&rsquo; opposition to this ruinous system of
+&ldquo;starring&rdquo; as commendable and manly. The real cause of
+the decline of the drama is the upholding of this system. The
+&ldquo;stars&rdquo; are paid so enormously, and cost so much to
+maintain them in their false position, that the manager cannot
+afford (supposing the disposition to exist) to pay the working
+portion of his company salaries commensurate with their usefulness,
+or compatible with the appearance they are expected to maintain out
+of the theatre; whilst opportunities of testing their powers as
+actors, or of improving any favourable impression they may have
+made upon the public, is denied to them, from the fear that the
+influence of the greater, because more fortunate actor, may be
+diminished thereby. These facts are now so well known, that men of
+education are deterred from making the stage a profession, and
+consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to this
+cause.</p>
+<p>The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be
+attributable to this absurd and destructive system. The
+&ldquo;star&rdquo; must be considered alone in the construction of
+the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to measure, the
+actor, <em>par excellence</em>, must be the arbiter of the
+author&rsquo;s creation. Writers are thus deterred from making
+experiments in the higher order of dramatic writing, for should
+their subject admit of this individual display, its rejection by
+the &ldquo;star&rdquo; would render the labour of months valueless,
+and the dramatist, driven from the path of fame, degenerates into a
+literary drudge, receiving for his wearying labour a lesser
+remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the
+pecuniary monopoly of the &ldquo;star.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to
+the stage. The public had formerly <em>many</em> favourites,
+because all had an opportunity of contending for their
+favour&mdash;now they have only Mr. A. or Mrs. B., who must
+ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it may, as the
+sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually sounded,
+although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
+charm of the melody.</p>
+<p>We have made these remarks divested of any personal
+consideration. We quarrel only with the system that we believe to
+be unjust and injurious to an art which we reverence.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>VAUXHALL.&mdash;Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and
+corporeal!&mdash;Elysium of illumination lamps!&mdash;Paradise of
+Simpson!&mdash;we have been permitted once again to breathe your
+oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast of impalpable
+ham and invisible chicken&mdash;to join in the eruption of
+exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories&mdash;to swallow thy
+mysterious arrack and</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/001-10.png"><img src=
+"images/001-10.png" alt="A jester wearing a toga" id="img001-10"
+name="img001-10" width="25%" /></a>
+<p>PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.</p>
+</div>
+<p>We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit
+his six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head&mdash;we have
+roved again amid those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years
+ago,</p>
+<p style="text-align:center;">&ldquo;We met the daylight after
+seven hours&rsquo; sitting.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was
+not Vauxhall: the G R&rsquo;s were V R&rsquo;s&mdash;the cocked
+hats were round hats&mdash;the fiddlers were foreigners&mdash;the
+Rotunda was Astley&rsquo;s&mdash;the night was moon-shiny&mdash;and
+there was not&mdash;our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
+fact&mdash;there was not &ldquo;Simpson&rdquo; to exclaim,
+&ldquo;Welcome to the royal property!&rdquo; Urbane M.A.C., wouldst
+that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou doubtlessly be
+gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge of time
+the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name
+immortal&mdash;Peace to thy manes!</p>
+<p>STRAND.&mdash;The enterprising managers of this elegant little
+theatre have produced another mythological drama, called &ldquo;The
+Frolics of the Fairies; or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle,&rdquo;
+from the pen of Leman Rede, who is, without doubt, the first of
+this class of writers. The indisposition of Mr. Hall was stated to
+be the cause of the delay in the production of this piece; out,
+from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it arose
+from the <em>indisposition</em> of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the
+same hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and
+&ldquo;a gem of the first water&rdquo; she proved herself to be on
+Wednesday night. It would be useless to enter into the detail of
+the plot of an ephemeron, that depends more upon its quips and
+cranks than dramatic construction for its success. It abounds in
+merry conceits, which that merriest of&mdash;dare we call her mere
+woman?&mdash;little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel
+needle of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of
+the stage reflect the highest credit on the management, and the
+industry which can labour to surmount the difficulties which we
+know to exist in the production of anything like scenic effect in
+the Strand Theatre, deserve the encouragement which we were
+gratified to see bestowed upon this little Temple of Momus.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence
+from the Lord Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company
+selected from Ducrow&rsquo;s late establishment; but whether the
+<em>peds</em> are <em>bi</em> or <em>quadru</em>, rumour sayeth
+not.</p>
+<h5>A CARD.</h5>
+<p>MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of
+tales in general, that they supply <em>d&eacute;nouements</em> to
+unfinished stories, on the most reasonable terms. They have just
+completed a large stock of catastrophes, to which they respectfully
+solicit attention.</p>
+<h5>FOR MELO-DRAMA.</h5>
+<p>Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.</p>
+<p>Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and
+reward of virtue.</p>
+<h5>FOR FARCES.</h5>
+<p>Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers,
+&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h5>FOR COMEDIES.</h5>
+<p>Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of
+fortune.</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.</p>
+<p>Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former
+by latter.</p>
+<p>Ditto, ditto, very fine, &ldquo;with convenient cordial,&rdquo;
+and true gentlemen, illustrated by an old <em>debauchee</em>.</p>
+<p>N.B.&mdash;On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting
+parricides, strongly recommended for Surrey use.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h5>WHY AND BECAUSE.</h5>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Young Kean&rsquo;s a bad cigar&mdash;because</p>
+<p>The more he&rsquo;s puff&rsquo;d, the worse he draws.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>A new farce, entitled &ldquo;My Friend the Captain,&rdquo; is to
+be produced tonight, at the Haymarket Theatre.</p>
+<p>MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on
+Monday next. We are happy to see that this very deserving
+actor&rsquo;s professional brethren are coming forward to lend him
+that assistance which he has always been ready to afford to
+others.</p>
+<h5>TO MRS. H.</h5>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,</p>
+<p>No wonder men run after thee;</p>
+<p>There&rsquo;s something in a name, perhaps,</p>
+<p>For <em>Honey&rsquo;s</em> often good for <em>chaps</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a
+very chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the
+taste of Mr. Davidge&rsquo;s patrons. How they have tolerated
+Wilson, Leffler, and Miss Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss
+to divine. It must be, that &ldquo;music hath charms.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not
+the Rous who was lately returned for Westminster.</p>
+<h5>THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA
+MELO-DRAMA.</h5>
+<p><em>Berthelda</em>.&mdash;Sanguine, you have killed your
+<em>mother</em>!!!</p>
+<p><em>Fruitwoman</em>.&mdash;Any apples, oranges, biscuits,
+ginger-beer!</p>
+<p>(<em>Curtain falls</em>.)</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.</h3>
+<p>We give the following list of qualifications for a member of
+parliament for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from
+a handbill very liberally distributed by Captain Rons&rsquo;s
+party, during the late contest:&mdash;</p>
+<p>1st. Because &ldquo;he is <em>brother to the Earl</em> of
+Stradbroke.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>2nd. Because &ldquo;his <em>family</em> have always been hearty
+Conservatives.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>3rd. Because &ldquo;they have been established in
+<em>Suffolk</em> from the time of the
+<em>Heptarchy</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>4th. Because &ldquo;he entered the navy in 1808.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>5th. Because &ldquo;he <em>brought home Lord Aylmer</em> in the
+Pique, in 1835.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>6th. Because &ldquo;he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of
+Belleisle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>7th. Because &ldquo;after beating there for eleven hours, he got
+her off again.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>8th. Because &ldquo;he brought her into Portsmouth without a
+rudder or forefoot, lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate
+of two feet per hour!&rdquo; ergo, he is the fittest man for the
+representative of Westminster.&mdash;Q.E.D.</p>
+<h3>THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.</h3>
+<p>LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the
+gallant member to &ldquo;go the whole hog.&rdquo; This is natural
+advice from a <em>thorough bore</em> like his lordship.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+1, July 17, 1841, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 1, July 17, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: October 5, 2004 [EBook #13639]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 17, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MORAL OF PUNCH.
+
+As we hope, gentle public, to pass many happy hours in your society, we
+think it right that you should know something of our character and
+intentions. Our title, at a first glance, may have misled you into a
+belief that we have no other intention than the amusement of a thoughtless
+crowd, and the collection of pence. We have a higher object. Few of the
+admirers of our prototype, merry Master PUNCH, have looked upon his
+vagaries but as the practical outpourings of a rude and boisterous mirth.
+We have considered him as a teacher of no mean pretensions, and have,
+therefore, adopted him as the sponsor for our weekly sheet of pleasant
+instruction. When we have seen him parading in the glories of his motley,
+flourishing his baton (like our friend Jullien at Drury-lane) in time with
+his own unrivalled discord, by which he seeks to win the attention and
+admiration of the crowd, what visions of graver puppetry have passed
+before our eyes! Golden circlets, with their adornments of coloured and
+lustrous gems, have bound the brow of infamy as well as that of honour--a
+mockery to both; as though virtue required a reward beyond the fulfilment
+of its own high purposes, or that infamy could be cheated into the
+forgetfulness of its vileness by the weight around its temples! Gilded
+coaches have glided before us, in which sat men who thought the buzz and
+shouts of crowds a guerdon for the toils, the anxieties, and, too often,
+the peculations of a life. Our ears have rung with the noisy frothiness of
+those who have bought their fellow-men as beasts in the market-place, and
+found their reward in the sycophancy of a degraded constituency, or the
+patronage of a venal ministry--no matter of what creed, for party
+_must_ destroy patriotism.
+
+The noble in his robes and coronet--the beadle in his gaudy livery of
+scarlet, and purple, and gold--the dignitary in the fulness of his
+pomp--the demagogue in the triumph of his hollowness--these and other
+visual and oral cheats by which mankind are cajoled, have passed in review
+before us, conjured up by the magic wand of PUNCH.
+
+How we envy his philosophy, when SHALLA-BA-LA, that demon with the bell,
+besets him at every turn, almost teasing the sap out of him! The moment
+that his tormentor quits the scene, PUNCH seems to forget the existence of
+his annoyance, and, carolling the mellifluous numbers of _Jim Crow_,
+or some other strain of equal beauty, makes the most of the present,
+regardless of the past or future; and when SHALLA-BA-LA renews his
+persecutions, PUNCH boldly faces his enemy, and ultimately becomes the
+victor. All have a SHALLA-BA-LA in some shape or other; but few, how few,
+the philosophy of PUNCH!
+
+We are afraid our prototype is no favourite with the ladies. PUNCH is (and
+we reluctantly admit the fact) a Malthusian in principle, and somewhat of
+a domestic tyrant; for his conduct is at times harsh and ungentlemanly to
+Mrs. P.
+
+  "Eve of a land that still is Paradise,
+  Italian beauty!"
+
+But as we never look for perfection in human nature, it is too much to
+expect it in wood. We wish it to be understood that we repudiate such
+principles and conduct. We have a Judy of our own, and a little
+Punchininny that commits innumerable improprieties; but we fearlessly aver
+that we never threw him out of window, nor belaboured the lady with a
+stick--even of the size allowed by law.
+
+There is one portion of the drama we wish was omitted, for it always
+saddens us--we allude to the prison scene. PUNCH, it is true, sings in
+durance, but we hear the ring of the bars mingling with the song. We are
+advocates for the _correction_ of offenders; but how many generous
+and kindly beings are there pining within the walls of a prison, whose
+only crimes are poverty and misfortune! They, too, sing and laugh, and
+appear jocund, but the _heart_ can ever hear the ring of the bars.
+
+We never looked upon a lark in a cage, and heard him trilling out his
+music as he sprang upwards to the roof of his prison, but we felt sickened
+with the sight and sound, as contrasting, in our thought, the free
+minstrel of the morning, bounding as it were into the blue caverns of the
+heavens, with the bird to whom the world was circumscribed. May the time
+soon arrive, when every prison shall be a palace of the mind--when we
+shall seek to instruct and cease to punish. PUNCH has already advocated
+education by example. Look at his dog Toby! The instinct of the brute has
+almost germinated into reason. Man _has_ reason, why not give him
+intelligence?
+
+We now come to the last great lesson of our motley teacher--the gallows!
+that accursed tree which has its _root_ in injuries. How clearly
+PUNCH exposes the fallacy of that dreadful law which authorises the
+destruction of life! PUNCH sometimes destroys the hangman: and why not?
+Where is the divine injunction against the shedder of man's blood to rest?
+None _can_ answer! To us there is but ONE disposer of life. At other
+times PUNCH hangs the devil: this is as it should be. Destroy the
+principle of evil by increasing the means of cultivating the good, and the
+gallows will then become as much a wonder as it is now a jest.
+
+We shall always play PUNCH, for we consider it best to be merry and wise--
+
+  "And laugh at all things, for we wish to know,
+  What, after all, are all things but a show!"--_Byron._
+
+As on the stage of PUNCH'S theatre, many characters appear to fill up the
+interstices of the more important story, so our pages will be interspersed
+with trifles that have no other object than the moment's approbation--an
+end which will never be sought for at the expense of others, beyond the
+evanescent smile of a harmless satire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+There is a report of the stoppage of one of the most respectable
+_hard-bake_ houses in the metropolis. The firm had been speculating
+considerably in "Prince Albert's Rock," and this is said to have been the
+rock they have ultimately split upon. The boys will be the greatest
+sufferers. One of them had stripped hia jacket of all its buttons as a
+deposit on some _tom-trot_, which the house had promised to supply on
+the following day; and we regret to say, there are whispers of other
+transactions of a similar character.
+
+Money has been abundant all day, and we saw a half-crown piece and some
+halfpence lying absolutely idle in the hands of an individual, who, if he
+had only chosen to walk with it into the market, might have produced a
+very alarming effect on some minor description of securities. Cherries
+were taken very freely at twopence a pound, and Spanish (liquorice) at a
+shade lower than yesterday. There has been a most disgusting glut of
+tallow all the week, which has had an alarming effect on dips, and thrown
+a still further gloom upon rushlights.
+
+The late discussions on the timber duties have brought the match market
+into a very unsettled state, and Congreve lights seem destined to undergo
+a still further depression. This state of things was rendered worse
+towards the close of the day, by a large holder of the last-named article
+unexpectedly throwing an immense quantity into the market, which went off
+rapidly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOMETHING WARLIKE.
+
+Many of our readers must be aware, that in pantomimic pieces, the usual
+mode of making the audience acquainted with anything that cannot be
+clearly explained by dumb-show, is to exhibit a linen scroll, on which is
+painted, in large letters, the sentence necessary to be known. It so
+happened that a number of these scrolls had Been thrown aside after one of
+the grand spectacles at Astley's Amphitheatre, and remained amongst other
+lumber in the property-room, until the late destructive fire which
+occurred there. On that night, the wife of one of the stage-assistants--a
+woman of portly dimensions--was aroused from her bed by the alarm of fire,
+and in her confusion, being unable to find her proper habiliments, laid
+hold of one of these scrolls, and wrapping it around her, hastily rushed
+into the street, and presented to the astonished spectators an extensive
+back view, with the words, "BOMBARD THE CITADEL," inscribed in legible
+characters upon her singular drapery.
+
+
+HUME'S TERMINOLOGY.
+
+Hume is so annoyed at his late defeat at Leeds, that he vows he will never
+make use of the word Tory again as long as he lives. Indeed, he proposes
+to expunge the term from the English language, and to substitute that
+which is applied to, his own party. In writing to a friend, that "after
+the inflammatory character of the oratory of the Carlton Club, it is quite
+supererogatory for me to state (it being notorious) that all conciliatory
+measures will be rendered nugatory," he thus expressed himself:--"After
+the inflamma_whig_ character of the ora_whig_ of the nominees of
+the Carlton Club, it is quite supereroga_whig_ for me to state (it
+being no_whig_ous) that all concilia_whig_ measures will be
+rendered nuga_whig_."
+
+
+NATIVE SWALLOWS.
+
+A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that there is an
+almost total absence of swallows this summer in England. Had the writer
+been present at some of the election dinners lately, he must have
+confessed that a greater number of active swallows has rarely been
+observed congregated in any one year.
+
+
+LORD MELBOURNE TO "PUNCH."
+
+My dear PUNCH,--Seeing in the "Court Circular" of the Morning Herald an
+account of a General Goblet as one of the guests of her Majesty, I beg to
+state, that till I saw that announcement, I was not aware of any other
+_general gobble it_ than myself at the Palace.
+
+Yours, truly,    MELBOURN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A RAILROAD NOVEL
+
+DEAR PUNCH,--I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat in the
+Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young
+gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his
+travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the
+full regulation size, and with intense interest commence the first volume
+at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away
+started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a
+butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as
+we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as
+we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by
+Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury--I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking
+a pinch of snuff--lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and
+I had scarcely time to say, "God bless us," till I found we had reached
+Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my
+reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid journey,
+and to devise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as
+my fellow-traveller. "Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the
+age of steam? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow
+Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an
+auction bill?" Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a
+novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be
+retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of
+speech; to be terse and abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in
+preference to polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose
+names contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning
+home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had
+written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady
+or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
+through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train
+running from London to Birmingham.
+
+I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing
+possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads,
+tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they run." Fiddlers at
+the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my
+invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I
+shall instantly apply for a patent.
+
+
+SPECIMEN.
+
+
+CLARE GREY:
+
+A NOVEL.
+
+
+"Brief let me be."
+
+LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.
+
+1841.
+
+
+VOL. I.
+
+Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops,
+&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved Tom
+ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d Tom,
+and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's
+schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas,
+crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and curl-paper),
+slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love, vows--Tom
+serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from
+garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet high--Love
+is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins Tom by the
+calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights--Tom
+caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol, justice--Fudge!--Pretty
+mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare Grey!--Seven pages of
+sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart--Pshaw!--Never mind--
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"]
+
+
+VOL. II.
+
+"Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death or
+glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy, eternal
+truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes her eyes in
+cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel
+fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash,
+dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot
+work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say
+die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one
+eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love, hope, and
+Clare Grey--
+
+[Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.]
+
+
+VOL. III.
+
+"Here we are!"--At home once more--Old friends and old faces--Must be
+changed--Nobody knows him--Church bells ringing--Inquire
+cause--(?)--Wedding--Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker--Brain
+whirls--Eyes start from sockets--Devils and hell--Clare Grey, the fond,
+constant, Clare, a jilt?--Can't be--No go--Stump up to church--Too
+true--Clare just made Mrs. Snooks--Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!--Tom's
+crutch at work--Snooks floored--Bridesman settled--Parson bolts--Clerk
+mizzles--Salts and shrieks--Clare in a swoon--Pa' in a funk--Tragedy
+speech--Love! vengeance! and damnation!--Half an ounce of laudanum--Quick
+speech--Tom unshackles his wooden pin--Dies like a hero--Clare pines in
+secret--Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin--Poor Tom and
+Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath
+
+[Illustration:  "A WEEPING WILL-OH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.
+
+We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which
+we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:--
+
+MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
+
+Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for
+the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure
+Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short
+and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin
+two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
+
+COPY.
+
+"The following is a specimen of my punning _before_ taking six
+lessons of Mr. T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain _cold_ with which
+children are affected?
+
+"A. Because it's _a new pink off_ (an hooping-cough).
+
+"This is a specimen of my punning _after_ taking six lessons of Mr.
+T. Hood:--
+
+"Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an
+injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
+
+"A. Because the one is _for-getting_ and the other
+_for-giving_."
+
+N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will
+find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service.
+
+Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be
+suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
+also a few second-hand _bon mots_ which he can offer a bargain.
+
+*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF "CANT."
+
+There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it
+being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is
+necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be
+brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what
+are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this
+means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the
+different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most
+advantageously place himself.
+
+It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in
+this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to
+bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain
+sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public
+education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical
+though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious
+Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its
+turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself
+so ancient and beautiful a practice.
+
+VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS
+
+1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered,
+  1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
+    1. He that voteth for dead men.
+    2. He that voteth for empty tenements.
+    3. He that voteth for many men.
+    4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.
+  2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
+    1. Because he hath a bet that he will vote.
+    2. Because he loveth a lark.
+    3. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
+       [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects
+        BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]
+
+2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is upset by a bribed coachman.
+    2. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put
+        into the cage.
+    3. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way.
+    4. He who is hocussed.
+    5. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like.
+  2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
+    1. He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.
+    2. He who has not been solicited.
+    3. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.
+    4. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.
+    5. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.
+    6. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late,
+        and the like.
+
+3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
+  1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
+          1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
+            1. He that pretendeth the money is due to him.
+            2. He that pretendeth it is lent.
+            3. He who receiveth it as alms.
+            4. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated
+                tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like.
+          2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
+            1. He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in
+                Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.
+            2. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter,
+                curate, and the like.
+            3. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary
+                to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey,
+                chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like.
+          3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
+            1. He that voteth for Walker's Gooseberry, or Elector's
+                Sparkling Champagne.
+            2. For sloe-juice, or Elector's fine old crusted Port.
+            3. He who voteth for Brett's British Brandy, or Elector's
+                real French Cognac.
+            4. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, _coculus
+                Indicus_, Spanish juice, or Elector's Extra Double Stout.
+        2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
+          1. He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers,
+              or the like.
+          2. He who getteth a contract, for paupers' clothing, building
+              unions, and the like.
+          3. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent
+              40s. freeholders.
+          4. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes,
+              haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork,
+              pine-apples, early peas, and the like.
+      2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
+        1. By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice
+            to quit.
+        2. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot
+            be trusted.
+        3. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite
+            opinion in his employ.
+        4. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.
+        5. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and
+            Gretna Green.
+        6. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth
+            him be d--d.
+      3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
+        1. He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him
+            a place.
+        2. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.
+        3. He who voteth to get into genteel society.
+        4. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.
+        5. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a
+            large family.
+        6. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.
+    2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into
+      1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible into
+        1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into
+          1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as
+            1. He who believeth taxes will be taken off.
+            2. He who believeth wages will be raised.
+            3. He who thinketh trade will be increased.
+            4. He who studieth political economy.
+            5. He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and
+                listeneth to lectures, and the like.
+          2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as
+            1. He who voteth to support "the glorious Constitution," and
+                maintain "the envy of surrounding nations."
+            2. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the
+                revenue.
+            3. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings,
+                and the like.
+        2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in
+              together.
+          2. He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots.
+          3. That the Tories love the poor.
+          4. That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his
+              country.
+          5. That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the like.
+        3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate's ribbons suit his wife's
+              complexion.
+          2. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the
+              canvasser.
+          3. Because his wife had the candidate's carriage to make calls
+              in, and the like.
+          4. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince
+              Albert Quadrilles.
+          5. Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last
+              infant, and the like.
+      2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into
+        1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as
+          1. He who voteth on one side because his father always voted
+              on the same.
+          2. Because the "Wrong-heads" and the like had always sat for
+              the county.
+          3. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such
+              as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must
+              maintain his principle.
+          4. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and
+              the like.
+        2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as
+          1. He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds.
+          2. Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name
+              as the opposite candidate.
+          3. Because the candidate is of a noble family.
+          4. Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel,
+              and the like.
+          5. Because he knoweth the candidate's cousin.
+          6. Because the candidate directed to him--"Esq."
+        3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be
+              considered as
+          1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as
+            1. He that voteth on both sides.
+            2. Because he tossed up with himself.
+            3. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who
+                hath most votes.
+            4. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the
+                other, to show that he is not influenced.
+            5. Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the
+                popular candidate.
+          2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as
+            1. He who cannot be trusted.
+            2. He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the other.
+            3. He who is not worth bribing.
+            4. He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter
+                was not answered.
+            5. He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived,
+                and the like.
+  2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into
+    1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe.
+      2. He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray.
+      3. He who is confused and giveth the wrong name.
+      4. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested.
+      5. He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates,
+          and the like.
+    2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be
+          considered as
+      1. He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so
+          incensed into voting the opposite way.
+      2. He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so
+          outraged into honesty.
+      3. He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and
+          so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate.
+      4. He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being
+          enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction.
+      5. He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who
+          keepeth a carriage and the like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER
+
+
+Have any of PUNCH'S readers ever met one of the above _genus_--or
+rather, have they not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most
+persevering _hic et ubique_ powers. Like the old mole, these
+Truepennies "work i' th' dark:" at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole,
+the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian,
+Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological
+Saloons, they "most do congregate." Once set your eyes upon them, once
+become acquainted with their habits and manners, and then mistake them if
+you can. They are themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket
+jockeys, the peripatetic venders, or buyers of "old clo'," or the Albert
+continuations at _one pound one_, they appear to be _made to
+measure for the same_. We must now describe them (to speak
+theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new
+dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer,
+i.e. neither one nor the other ever _were entirely new_, and never
+will be allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these
+worthies is generally _very_ blue or _very_ brown; the cut
+whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at what
+precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on the
+probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that alone could
+to long have kept them from Time's remorseless maw. The collars are always
+velvet, and always greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the
+seams, the stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to
+believe they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose
+labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The
+buttons!--oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They,
+indeed, are the aristocracy--the yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars
+of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coat--they are
+_on it_, and that's all--they have no further communion--they decline
+the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their living--they
+announce themselves as "the last new fashion"--they sparkle for a week,
+retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years
+after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine
+splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own
+accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a
+material known only to themselves--a sort of nightmare illusion of velvet,
+covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously picked out and
+guarded with a nondescript collection of the very greenest green pellets
+of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment)
+describe the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two
+rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent), commencing,
+to all appearance, at the _small of the back_, and reaching down even
+to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a double-breasted one, made
+upon the good old dining-out principle of leaving plenty of room in the
+victualling department. To complete the catalogue of raiment, the
+untalkaboutables have so little right to the name of drab, that it would
+cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more
+exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the
+portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes
+of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that description
+of mud-markers known in the purlieus of Liecester-square, and at
+all denominations of "boots"--great, little, red, and yellow--as
+eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are strapped
+down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in extreme doubt
+whether the Prussian hero of that name is their legitimate sponsor, or the
+glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured
+that (as there never was a _pair_ of either of the illustrious
+heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency, invariably
+perambulate in _one of each_. We scarcely know whether it be so or
+not--we merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the _two
+Bluchers_, _because_ of the _eight-and-six_. The only
+additional expense likely to add any emolument to the _tanner's_
+interest (we mean no pun) is the immense extent of sixpenny straps
+generally worn. These are described by a friend of ours as belonging to
+the great class of _coaxers_; and their exertions in bringing (as a
+nautical man would say) the trowsers _to bear_ at all, is worthy of
+notice. There is a legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from
+one of the fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majesty's
+theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of
+the affair being the close approximation of some of his principal foreign
+words to "Tol de rol," and "Fal the ral ra"), in which it was asserted,
+that from a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the
+body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity.
+In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully
+nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish
+to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the _genus_ in
+_black_ and _white_, we may as well state at once, _those_
+are the colours generally casing the throats from whence their sweet
+sounds issue; these _ties_ are garnished with union pins, whose
+strong _mosaic tendency_ would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had
+they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of the
+Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing world,
+amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an _auto-da-fe_.
+
+It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his
+head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying
+pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands,
+though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of
+French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about
+as much in proportion to _the box_ as _eighteen insides_ are to
+a small tax-cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved
+inscription purports) given by "several gentlemen" (who are,
+unfortunately, in these instances, always anonymous--which circumstance,
+as they are invariably described as "admirers of talent," is much to be
+regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the
+immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at four o'clock of the
+morning, with a bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is,
+they are universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of
+obesity.
+
+The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased, and
+the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no professional
+singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and found a failure.
+Its uses are remarkable and various: like the "death's-head and
+cross-bones" of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of the
+conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our mind's eye
+one of the species even now--we see him coquetting with the fork,
+compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be
+called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the
+proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional
+performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the
+right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet
+double-breaster--we follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they
+fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the
+smoke-embued apartment--we perceive the extension of the dexter hand
+employed in innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of
+an orange, whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a
+watch-guard, _if_ the professional singer _had a watch_. We hear
+the three distinct hems--oblivion for a moment seizes us--the glasses
+jingle--two auctioneers' hammers astonish the mahogany--several dirty
+hands are brought in violent and noisy contact--we are near a friend of
+the vocalist--our glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties
+itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic
+performances of the said zealous friend--and with an exclamation that,
+were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional
+singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half
+lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the "creature comfort"
+with infinite satisfaction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that fat
+man). "A glee, gents!--a glee!"--Ah! there they are--three coats--three
+collars--Heaven knows how many buttons!--three bald heads, three stout
+stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and
+conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux."--What is
+the subject?
+
+  "_Hail_ smi_lig_ _b_orn."
+
+That's a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing
+_ensemble_ is totally exploded by these gentry--each professional
+singer, as a professional singer, sings his very loudest, in _justice to
+himself_; if his brethren want physical power, that's no fault of
+_his_, _he don't_. Professional singers indulge in small
+portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements is, "Non
+nobis," &c. &c.; that is, they consider they ought to know the airs. The
+words are generally delivered as follows:--_Don--dobis--do--by--de_.
+A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this line.
+
+In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention,
+they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more
+Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the same--sit anywhere,
+just to accommodate--eat everything, to prove they have no squeamish
+partialities--know to a toothful what a bottom of brandy _should
+be_--the exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most
+likely victim to _drop upon_ for any further nourishment they may
+require. Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by
+the important information that "Harry Phillips knows what he's
+about"--"Weber was up to a thing or two." A _baritone_ ain't the sort
+of thing for tenor music: and when _they_ sung with some man (nobody
+ever heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldn't mind--"A
+cigar?" "Thank you, sir!--seldom smoke--put it in my
+pocket--(_aside_) that makes a dozen! Your good health, sir!--don't
+dislike cold, though I generally take it warm--didn't mean that as a hint,
+but, since you _have ordered it_, I'll give you a toast--Here's--THE
+PROFESSIONAL SINGER!"
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.
+
+  [Greek: EIS TO LEIN PINEIN.]
+
+  Bards of old have sung the vine
+  Such a theme shall ne'er be mine;
+  Weaker strains to me belong,
+  Paeans sung to thee, Souchong!
+  What though I may never sip
+  Rubies from my tea-cup's lip;
+  Do not milky pearls combine
+  In this steaming cup of mine?
+  What though round my youthful brow
+  I ne'er twine the myrtle's bough?
+  For such wreaths my soul ne'er grieves.
+  Whilst I own my Twankay's leaves.
+  Though for me no altar burns,
+  Kettles boil and bubble--urns
+  In each fane, where I adore--
+  What should mortal ask for more!
+  I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,
+  Howqua shall my cup supply;
+  I'll ne'er ask for amphorae,
+  Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.
+  Then, perchance, above my grave,
+  Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;
+  And some stately sugar-cane,
+  There may spring to life again:
+  Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,
+  To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES.
+
+KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG "TOBY."
+
+DEAR SIR,--I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel,
+thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master,
+for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my
+paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog in a nobleman's family. Lawk, sir!
+what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn
+author?
+
+I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with _dialect_--what a
+face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as
+hollow as the big drum, but warn't half so round and noisy. You can't have
+dwindled down to that, sure_ly_! I couldn't bear to see your hump and
+_pars pendula_ (that's dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and
+titivated out in msty-fusty toggery--I'm sure I couldn't! The very thought
+of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.
+
+I whined like any thing, calling to my missus--for you must know that I've
+married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. "Vixen," says I,
+"here's the poor old governor up at last--I knew that Police Act would
+drive him to something desperate."
+
+"Why he hasn't hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest!"
+exclaimed Mrs. T.
+
+"Worse nor that," says I; "he's turned author, and in course is stewed up
+in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year,
+when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the
+police don't want nothing to do to warm 'em, and consequentially sees no
+harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It's very hawful."
+
+Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I know'd she'd
+something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her.
+"Toby," says she, "go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort
+him to larrup you a little."
+
+"Very well," says I, "I'll be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for
+supper, should any come out while I'm gone; and if you can get the puppies
+to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you." Saying
+which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
+coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a
+waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestra--he as could
+only play "Jim Crow" and the "Soldier Tired." Thinks I, I may as well pass
+the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach he
+was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was
+about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-horse. Whilst I
+was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the
+wehicle make the following remark:--
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_twisting his tail about like anything_)--Curse the
+flies!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--You may say that. I've had one fellow tickling me this
+half-hour.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually
+penetrates my vertebra.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Werterbee! What's that?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_impatiently_).--The spine, my friend (_whish!
+whish!_)
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it is a shameful thing to _dock_ us as they
+does. If the marrow in one's backbone should melt, it would be sartin to
+run out at the tip of one's tail. I say, how's your _feed?_
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Very indifferent--the chaff predominates--(_munch_)
+not _bene_ by any means.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied
+if they'd only make it _oaty_ now and then. How long have you been in
+the hackney line?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I have occupied my present degraded position about two
+years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever
+come to this.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it ain't very respectable, is it?--especially since
+the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?--you
+look as if you had been well brought up.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--My mama was own sister to _Lottery_, but
+unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the
+produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign
+Dashard.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Bless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve
+in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out I'd a splint, and
+wouldn't have me! I say, ain't that stout woman with a fat family looking
+at us?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I'm afraid she is. People of her grade in society are
+always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or
+Mutton-hill, or a _hill_ somewhere.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--She's ahailing us! I wonder whether she's narvous? I'll
+let out with my hind leg a bit--(_kick_)--O Lord! the rheumatiz!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pray don't. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a
+thoroughbred.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven't you just acknowledged
+that you were a cocktail? Thank God! she's moving on. Hallo! there's old
+Readypenny!--a willanous Tory.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I beg to remark that mine isn't. I sarved Readypenny
+out at Westminster 'lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to
+the poll, and I wouldn't draw an inch. I warn't agoing to take up a
+plumper for Rous.
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I declare the obese female returns.
+
+WOMAN.--Coach! Hallo! Coach!
+
+WATERMAN.--Here you is, ma'am. Kuck! kuck! kuck!--Come along!--(_Pulling
+the coach and horses_).
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will
+pull my head off.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.
+
+WATERMAN--Come up, you old brute!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Old brute! What evidence of a low mind!--[_The stout
+woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach_].
+
+COACH.--O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!--O law! Week! week!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Do you hear how the poor old thing's a sufferin'?--She
+must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay
+for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of
+Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch don't break--she has been crazy a long
+time.
+
+WATERMAN.--Snow-hill--opposite the Saracen's Head.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--I know'd it!
+
+COACHMAN.--Kuck! kuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may
+save us from flagellation.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, I'm pulling, ain't I?
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I don't like to dispute your word;
+but--(_whack_)--Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--A _raw_ you mean. Who's not pulling now, I should
+like to know!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I couldn't help hopping then; you know what a
+_grease_ I have in my hind leg.
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, haven't I a splint and a corn, and ain't one of my
+fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?
+
+WOMAN.--Stop! stop!
+
+COACHMAN.--Whoo up!--d--n you!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE.--There goes my last masticator!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I'm blow'd if he hasn't jerked my head so that he's
+given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we
+shall save the hill.
+
+WOMAN.--Three doors higher up.
+
+COACHMAN.--Chuck! chuck!
+
+WHIP.--Whack! whack!
+
+COACHMAN.--Come up, you varmint!
+
+OFF-SIDE HORSE--Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O
+Pegasus! what shall I come to next!
+
+NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was
+obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking
+me by the scruff of my neck if I ain't pretty regular in my hours.
+
+Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose services
+we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the enlightened manager
+of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to advance the interest of the
+drama is only equalled by his ignorance of the means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself
+entirely to _stews_.
+
+Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two
+Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which
+delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next.
+
+Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close
+consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the
+_premiership_?
+
+Mr. Moreton Dyer, "_the amateur turner_," has been a frequent visitor
+at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving
+lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always
+considered his lordship a Talleyrand in _turning_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION.
+
+(WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A "NOTED" TAILOR'S BILL.)
+
+  By winter's chill the fragrant flower is nipp'd,
+    To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;
+  The blasted tree of verdant leaves is stripp'd,
+    A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;
+
+  The aerial songster moults his plumerie,
+    To vie in sleekness with each feather'd brother:
+  A twelvemonth's wear hath ta'en thy nap from thee,
+    My seedy coat!--When shall I get another?
+
+NOTE.--Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid,
+to PUNCH'S office.
+
+P.S.--None need apply who _refuse_ three years' acceptances. If the
+bills be made _renewable_, by agreement, "continuations" will be
+taken in any quantity.--FITZROY FIPS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STREET POLITICS.
+
+A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER.
+
+
+(_Enter_ PUNCH.)
+
+PUNCH.--R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?
+
+(_Sings._)
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time I turn about,
+    I jump Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.
+
+PUNCH.--Yes, yes; I've been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to
+the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have
+done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. I'm
+an M.P. now.
+
+MANAGER.--An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Fact, upon my honour. I'm at this moment an unit in the collective
+stupidity of the nation.
+
+DOG TOBY.--R-r-r-r-r-r--wough--wough!
+
+PUNCH.--Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a
+legislator before, that he barks at me so?
+
+MANAGER.--A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho!
+ho! ho!
+
+PUNCH.--My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally
+used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more
+blockheads than mine in St. Stephen's, I can tell you. And as for oratory,
+why I flatter my whiskers I'll astonish them in that line.
+
+MANAGER.--But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--I'd have you know, sir, I'm above having any principles but those
+that put money in my pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--I mean on what interest did you start?
+
+PUNCH.--On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble
+feeling that a public man can entertain.
+
+MANAGER.--Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as
+a Whig or a Tory?
+
+PUNCH.--As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry,
+beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wough, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were
+always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.
+
+PUNCH.--So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported
+themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I
+turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the
+opposition 'bus.
+
+MANAGER.---But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--Where every politician's is, sir--in my breeches' pocket.
+
+MANAGER.--And your consistency, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--What a green chap you are, after all. A public man's consistency!
+It's only a popular delusion, sir. I'll tell you what's consistency, sir.
+When one gentleman's _in_ and won't come _out_, and when another
+gentleman's _out_ and can't get _in_, and when both gentlemen
+persevere in their determination--that's consistency.
+
+MANAGER.--I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public
+man to----
+
+PUNCH.--(_sings_)--
+
+  "Wheel about and turn about,
+    And do jes so;
+  Ebery time he turn about,
+    He jumps Jim Crow."
+
+MANAGER.--Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not
+very flattering?
+
+PUNCH.--'Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green
+and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they haven't a chance. The
+election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts
+them--Ireland fails them--Scotland alone sticks with national attachment
+to their backs, like a--
+
+THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough!
+
+MANAGER.--Of course, then, the Tories will take office--?
+
+PUNCH.--I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their
+chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs
+were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not
+growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they
+were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the
+decay of our ancient and venerable constitution--? And have they not
+promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they would--Send
+round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories
+mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?
+
+PUNCH.--No, but they'll give them cheap drink. They'll throw open the
+Thames for the use of the temperance societies.
+
+MANAGER.--But if we don't have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed,
+our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.
+
+PUNCH.--There you're wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and,
+though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full.
+
+MANAGER.--That's all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a
+_leetle_ if you starve them.
+
+PUNCH.--Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being
+grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!--I've studied political
+economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. They've got a fine plan
+in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
+homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
+infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs
+that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany.
+Oh! 'tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mind--Send round the
+hat.
+
+MANAGER.--What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?
+
+PUNCH.--It means--when a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide
+his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he
+may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same
+difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into
+his supper.
+
+MANAGER.--But if the man has got no supper?
+
+PUNCH.--Then let him wish he may get it.
+
+MANAGER.--Oh! that's your sliding scale?
+
+PUNCH.--Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of
+victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.
+
+MANAGER.--At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable
+to free trade?
+
+PUNCH.--Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions
+that mean nothing but free plunder. I'll illustrate my position. I'm a boy
+in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my
+form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling
+in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a
+bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of
+course, knocks up my trade.
+
+MANAGER.--But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.
+
+PUNCH.--D--n the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. I'm
+for centralization--and individualization--every man for himself, and
+PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my
+form, and see how I'll cobb him. So now--send round the hat--and three
+cheers for
+
+PUNCH'S POLITICS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.
+
+No. 1.
+
+
+  O Reveal, thou fay-like stranger,
+    Why this lonely path you seek;
+  Every step is fraught with danger
+    Unto one so fair and meek.
+  Where are they that _should_ protect thee
+    In this darkling hour of doubt?
+  Love _could_ never thus neglect thee!--
+    _Does your mother know you're out?_
+
+  Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?
+    Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!
+  Sure thine heart is overladen,
+    When each breath is fraught with sighs.
+  Say, hath care life's heaven clouded,
+    Which hope's stars were wont to spangle?
+  What hath all thy gladness shrouded?--
+    _Has your mother sold her mangle?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE.
+
+We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W----, that, for the
+convenience of the public, he has put down one of his carriages, and given
+orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the construction of an easy and elegant
+_stretcher._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    CANVASSING. What a love of a child
+    THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy
+    THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals
+    THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg
+    THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists in general,
+that should the violent cold with which he has been from time immemorial
+afflicted, and which, although it has caused his voice to appear like an
+infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and thistles, yet has not
+very materially affected him otherwise--should it not deprive him of
+existence--please Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every
+exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further,
+that he will most unequivocally be down with his _coup de baton_ upon
+every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.
+
+That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters are
+generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance: should
+the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCH'S portrait
+in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the purest
+production of the general mourning school--and all performed by
+scissars--to the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal
+Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real
+carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH
+would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the
+landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for PUNCH--none
+of your insinuating cabinet gems--no Art-_ful_ Union system of doing
+things--Hopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for
+another--and as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen
+corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to
+screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little
+affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in front of
+his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to prove that
+PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism, he has
+prepared the following description of the private view of either the Royal
+Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British Institution, for
+1842, for the lovers of this very light style of reading; and to make it
+as truly applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection
+or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner
+practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be
+exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what strict
+attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an intimate
+knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to displays, and with
+what consummate skill he blends those peculiarities, the reader will have
+the kindness to attach the criticism to either of the works (hereunder
+catalogued) most agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that
+this is a thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft
+anointment.
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY:
+
+  Portrait of the miscreant who          \
+  attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath.  |
+                    VALENTINE VERMILION.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of His Majesty the             | The head is extremely
+  King of Hanover.                        | well painted, and the light
+                            BY THE SAME.  | and shade distributed with
+                                          | the artist's usual judgement.
+  Portrait of the boy who got into        |
+  Buckingham Palace.                      |
+                        GEOFFERY GLAZEM.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord John Russell.          |
+                            BY THE SAME.  | An admirable likeness of
+                                          \ the original, and executed
+  Portrait of W. Grumbletone, Esq.,       / with that breadth and clearness
+  in the character of Joseph Surface.     | so apparent in this clever
+                          PETER PALETTE.  | painter's works.
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Sir Robert Peel.            |
+                            BY THE SAME.  |       OR THUS:
+                                          |
+  Portrait of the Empress of Russia.      |
+                          VANDYKE BROWN.  | A well-drawn and brilliantly
+                                          | painted portrait, calculated
+  Portrait of the infant Princess.        | to sustain the fame already
+                            BY THE SAME.  | gained by this our favourite
+                                          | painter.
+  Portrait of Mary Mumblegums,            |
+  aged 170 years.                         |
+                            BY THE SAME. /
+
+
+  THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT:
+
+  The Death of Abel.                     \
+                        MICHAEL McGUELP.  |
+                                          |
+  Dead Game.                              |
+                    THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL.  |
+                                          |
+  Vesuvius in Eruption.                   | This picture is well arranged,
+                   CHARLES CARMINE, R.A.  | and coloured with much truth
+                                          | to nature; the chiaro-scuro
+  Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child.      | is admirably managed.
+                              R.W. BUSS.  |
+                                          |
+  Cattle returning from the Watering      |       OR THUS:
+  Place.                                  \
+                             R. BOLLOCK.  /
+                                          | This is one of the cleverest
+  "We won't go home till Morning."        | productions in the Exhibition;
+                    M. WATERFORD, R.H.S.  | there is a transparency in the
+                                          | shadows equal to Rembrandt.
+  The infant Cupid sleeping.              |
+                                R. DADD.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Lord Palmerston.            |
+                           A.L.L. UPTON.  |
+                                          |
+  Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look      |
+  out.                                    |
+                              H. PARKER.  |
+                                          |
+  Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P.          |
+                                J. WOOD.  |
+                                         /
+
+Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a little too
+oily, they can easily add such a tag as the following:--"In our humble
+judgment, a little more delicacy of handling would not be altogether out
+of place;" or, "Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we
+recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing
+previous productions by the same."
+
+
+FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED:
+
+This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see the vigour
+of handling and smartness of conception formerly apparent in his works:
+or, "A little stricter attention to drawing, as well as composition, would
+render this artist's works more recommendatory."
+
+
+THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED:
+
+Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately: "A perfect daub,
+possessing not one single quality necessary to create even the slightest
+interest--a disgrace to the Exhibition--who allowed such a wretched
+production to disgrace these walls?--woefully out of drawing, and as badly
+coloured," and such like.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS.
+
+BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE.
+
+  Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,
+  For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost everywhere;
+  And the blazing red of my beadle's coat is turning to pink through fear,
+  Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the
+          end of the year.
+  I've done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico
+  Of Somerset House, that I don't know what I should do if I was for to go!
+  What the electors are at, I can't make out, upon my soul,
+  For it's a law of natur' that the _whig_ should be atop of
+          the _poll_.
+  I've had a snug berth of it here for some time, and don't want to cut
+          the connexion;
+  But they _do_ say the Whigs must go out, because they've NO OTHER
+          ELECTION;
+  What they mean by that, I _don't_ know, for ain't they been
+          electioneering--
+  That is, they've been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and
+          ginning, and beering.
+  Hasn't Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John
+          Russell,
+  For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming
+          _bussel_?
+  Ain't the two _first_ retired into private life--(that's the genteel
+          for being rejected)?
+  And what's more, the _last_ four, strange to say, have all been elected.
+  Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his
+          coat collar,
+  Hav'n't they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them
+          _Hollar_?
+  Then at Lambeth, ain't Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on 'em
+          bottled
+  By Mr. D'Eyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled!
+  And hasn't Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier,
+  Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap queer?
+  Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a _Cleave_-r for Marrowbone
+          looks cranky,
+  Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out "_No Sankee?_"
+  Then South'ark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood,
+  Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his duty--he
+          would!
+  Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find
+          that they're in the wrong box,
+  For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed
+          the Fox;
+  Whilst Westminster's chosen Rous--not Rouse of the Eagle--tho' I once
+          seed a
+  Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a _goose_, along
+          with a Leda.
+  And hasn't Sir Robert Peel and Mr. A'Court been down to Tamworth to be
+          reseated?
+  They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for
+          its always--ditto repeated.
+  Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a
+          considerable fume,
+  Who finds it no go, though he's added up the poll-books several times
+          with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.
+  So if there's been _no other election_, I should like to find out
+  What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding,
+          losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other _et
+          cetera_, has been about!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE.
+
+  Black bottles at Brighton,
+    To darken your fame;
+  Black Sundays at Hounslow,
+    To add to your shame.
+  Black balls at the club,
+    Show Lord Hill's growing duller:
+  He should change your command
+    To the _guards_ of that colour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+English--it has been remarked a thousand and odd times--is one of the few
+languages which is unaccompanied with gesticulation. Your veritable
+Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary as your genuine Frenchman is
+prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an oracle, the other like a
+telegraph.
+
+Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his
+hands fast locked in his breeches' pocket, and his features as calm as a
+horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the _debut_ of the new _danseuse_, with
+several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left
+side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two
+shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.
+
+The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency
+of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which
+is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps,
+objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and
+consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a wicked
+waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of
+Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in
+pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much money
+in the dirt--a crime which he regards as second in depravity only to that
+of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we were a nation
+of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather than diminished,
+our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole standard of
+excellence. We measure a man's respectability by his banker's account, and
+mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very nobility
+is a nobility of the breeches' pocket; and the highest personage in the
+realm--her most gracious Majesty--the most gracious Majesty of
+500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial
+people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage
+should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like
+ourselves, it is equally natural that a man's worthiness should be
+computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this commercial spirit, which,
+for the reason before assigned, is opposed to the introduction of
+pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this spirit that we would
+appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency which we cannot but look
+upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a
+cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all
+our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for
+the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is
+coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their appearance
+amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly confined to that
+class upon whose manners politeness places little or no
+restraint--barbarians, who act as nature, rather than as the book of
+etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very reason, such a change
+would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet do we trust, by pointing
+out to the more refined portion of the "British public," the advantage
+that must necessarily accrue from the general cultivation of the art of
+pantomime, by proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively
+tedious operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a
+far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of time, and
+that with a saving of one-half the muscular exertion--a point so perfectly
+consonant with the present prevailing desire for cheap and rapid
+communication--that we say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher
+classes to look upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of
+expression, but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the
+most polite and useful of all accomplishments.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all their
+comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in the first
+place, say a few words on language in general.
+
+It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among
+men--the written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature
+of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of
+conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses or
+modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses
+and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the
+gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and
+literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language, may be
+cited the presentation of a pinch of Prince's Mixture to a stranger, or a
+bottle of "Bouquet du Roi" to a fair acquaintance; both of which are but
+forms of expressing to them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an
+organ but little cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it
+is, therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that
+which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to be
+imbibed with our mother's milk. What words can speak affection to the
+child like elecampane--what language assures us of the remembrance of an
+absent friend like a brace of wood-cocks? Then who does not comprehend the
+eloquence of dinners? A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these
+to all guests the very emblems of esteem--and turtle, venison, and
+champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a
+particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration of the
+genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as
+in a public dinner? or if a candidate be anxious to convince the "free and
+independent electors" of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for
+the commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the
+general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and
+last species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All
+understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caresses--between
+being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who,
+however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what fair
+maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to
+construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender
+pressure of her toe under the dinner table?
+
+Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man.
+There is, however, one other--that which forms the subject of the present
+article--Pantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of the
+visible language--literature being taken as the artificial. This is the
+most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the earliest,
+as it is the most intuitive--the smiles and frowns of the mother being the
+first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we consider for a moment
+that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin,
+changing to-day into yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age,
+and life into death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets
+of the scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art
+which constitutes the very essence of existence itself. "Speech," says
+Talleyrand, that profound political pantomimist, "was given to
+_conceal_ our thoughts;" and truly this is the chief use to which it
+is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words. Let
+but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand desideratum must
+be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates, instead of being able, as
+now, to become legislators by simply professing to be patriots, will be
+placed in the awkward predicament of having first to _act_ as such;
+and that the clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the
+mere preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a
+portion to charitable purposes, and _practise_ it.
+
+Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages of
+this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of becoming
+the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of ultimately
+finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the beautiful Miss B., by
+gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that
+doubt and incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of "Love's
+young dream," by a gentle indication with the dexter hand over the
+sinister shoulder.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN.
+
+An action was recently brought in the Court of Queen's Bench against Mr.
+Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a person named Clark, in
+wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other refreshments, during a contest for
+the representation of the borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who
+it appears was chairman of Mr. Walter's committee, swore that _every
+thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him._ By a
+remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this tippling
+case was _Mr. Lush._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ODE.
+
+PICKED UP IN KILLPACK'S DIVAN.
+
+Cum notis variorum.
+
+"Excise Court.--An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling
+spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that
+there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was
+treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members, and
+that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined L5 in
+each case."--_Observer_
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: Best British Brandy not Permitted]
+
+          INVOCATION.
+
+  Assist, ye jocal nine[1], inspire my soul!
+  (Waiter! a go of Brett's best alcohol,
+  A light, and one of Killpack's mild Havannahs).
+  Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas
+  I sing of what we were--of what we _now_ are.
+      Wildly let me rave,
+      To imprecate the knave
+  Whose curious _information_ turned our porter sour,
+  Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)
+        Brown,
+        Down
+  Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;
+  Changing, despite our _belle esprit_, at one fell _swop_,
+  Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!
+
+          ODE.
+
+      Then little Bob arose,
+      And doff'd his clothes,
+  Exclaiming, "Momus! Stuff!
+  I've played him long enough,"
+  And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,
+  Behold me ready _dressed_ to play young Bacchus.
+    He said[2] his legs the barrel span,
+    And thus the Covent Garden god began;--
+  "GENTLEMEN,--I am--ahem--!--I beg your pardon,
+  But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden--
+  No, I don't mean that, I mean to say,
+  That if we were--ahem!--to pay
+  So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of 'Hear!']
+  Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;
+  In short, _small_ duty pay on all we sup--
+  Ahem!--you understand--I give it up."
+      The speech was ended,
+      And Bob descended.
+  The club was formed. A spicy club it was--
+  Especially on Saturdays; because
+  They dined extr'ordinary cheap at five o'clock:
+  When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.
+  Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers--
+  Odd fellows all--_odder_ than all their club compeers.
+  Some were sub-editors, others reporters,
+  And more _illuminati_, joke-importers.
+      The club was heterogen'ous
+      By strangers seen as
+  A refuge for destitute _bons mots_--
+  _Depot_ for leaden jokes and pewter pots;
+  Repertory for gin and _jeux d'esprit_,
+  Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;
+  Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;
+  Gall'ry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;[3]
+  Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;
+  In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!
+  *             *             *             *
+  Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,
+      Hear me while I say
+      "_Donnez-moi du frenzy, s'il vous plait!_"[4]
+  Give me a most tremendous fit
+  Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,
+      Or deep anathema,
+      Fatal as J--d's bah!
+  To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.
+  May genial gin no more delight _their_ throttles--
+  _Their_ casks grow leaky, bottomless _their_ bottles;
+  May smugglers _run_, and they ne'er make a seizure;
+  May _they_--I'll curse them further at my leisure.
+      But for our club,
+      "Ay, there's the rub."
+  "We mourn it dead in its father's halls:"[5]--
+  The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;
+      No stuffing there,
+      Not even in a chair;
+  The spirits are all _ex_(or)_cised_,
+  The coffee-cups capsized,
+  The coffee _fine_-d, the snuff all taken,
+  The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:
+  The utter ruin of the club's achieven--
+  Our very chess-boards are ex-_chequered_ even.
+  "Where is our club?" X--sighs,[6] and with a stare
+  Like to another echo, answers "Where?"
+
+    [1] "Ye jocal nine," a happy modification of "Ye vocal nine."
+        The nine here so classically invocated are manifestly nine
+        of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1. Mr. D--s
+        J--d. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer and
+        store-keeper. 3. Mr. G--e S--h, sub-ed. J---- B----. 4. Mr.
+        B--d, Mem. Dram. Author's Society. 5. C--s S--y, ditto. 6.
+        Mr. C--e. 7. Mr. C--s, T--s, late of the firm of T--s and
+        P--t. 8. Mr. J--e A--n, Mem. Soc. British Artists. 9, and
+        lastly, "though not least," the author of "You loved me not
+        in happier days."
+
+    [2] "He said."--Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished
+        of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some
+        passages an imitation of it which might be considered
+        pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The
+        literal rendering of the '_dixit_' of the ancient epicists,
+        strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.--PUNCH.
+
+    [3] A play-bill reminiscence, viz. "The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins
+        and Pitt."--THE AUTHORS OF "BUT, HOWEVER."
+
+    [4] "Donnez-moi," &c.--The classics of all countries are aptly
+        drawn upon by the universal erudition of our bard. A fine
+        parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontel's starving
+        author: "La Gloire--donnez-moi do pain!"--FENWICK DE
+        PORQUET.
+
+    [5] "They mourn it dead," &c.--A pretty, but perhaps too literal
+        allusion to a popular song--J. RODWELL.
+
+    [6] "X--sighs."--Who "X" may happen to be we have not the remotest
+        idea. But who would not forgive a little mystification for
+        so brilliant a pun?--THE GHOST OF PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. HUME.
+
+We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from his
+parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the neighbourhood
+of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members only, in the
+principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some measure his
+own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged in preparing a
+Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PRIVATE."
+
+"In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended to confer
+the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It would be
+difficult to select an individual more _peculiarly_ fitted for the
+situation than his lordship, whose _love of letters_ is notorious in
+the Carlton Club."--_Extract from an Intercepted Letter._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party
+should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the
+Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former opponents. We have no
+doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel
+grateful for support from any quarter; but we much doubt the
+practicability of the measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see
+Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition
+engines, with their followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House
+of Commons. In our opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the
+result of these
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+The "star system" has added another victim to the many already sacrificed
+to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an actor whose personation of
+_Macduff_, the _Hunchback, Jaques_, &c., would have procured for
+him in former times no mean position, has been compelled to secede from
+the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the
+continual sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one
+to whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The part
+assigned to Mr. Phelps (_Friar Lawrence_) requires an actor of
+considerable powers, and under the old _regime_ would have
+deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps' position; but we can understand the
+motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the
+practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr.
+Phelps' opposition to this ruinous system of "starring" as commendable and
+manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the upholding of this
+system. The "stars" are paid so enormously, and cost so much to maintain
+them in their false position, that the manager cannot afford (supposing
+the disposition to exist) to pay the working portion of his company
+salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or compatible with the
+appearance they are expected to maintain out of the theatre; whilst
+opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of improving any
+favourable impression they may have made upon the public, is denied to
+them, from the fear that the influence of the greater, because more
+fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are now so well
+known, that men of education are deterred from making the stage a
+profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to
+this cause.
+
+The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable to
+this absurd and destructive system. The "star" must be considered alone in
+the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to
+measure, the actor, _par excellence_, must be the arbiter of the
+author's creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in
+the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of
+this individual display, its rejection by the "star" would render the
+labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of
+fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying
+labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the
+pecuniary monopoly of the "star."
+
+It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the
+stage. The public had formerly _many_ favourites, because all had an
+opportunity of contending for their favour--now they have only Mr. A. or
+Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it
+may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually
+sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the
+charm of the melody.
+
+We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We
+quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious to
+an art which we reverence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VAUXHALL.--Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!--Elysium
+of illumination lamps!--Paradise of Simpson!--we have been permitted once
+again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast
+of impalpable ham and invisible chicken--to join in the eruption of
+exclamations at thy pyrotechnic glories--to swallow thy mysterious arrack
+and
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.]
+
+We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his
+six-inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed head--we have roved again amid
+those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago,
+
+  "We met the daylight after seven hours' sitting."
+
+But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not
+Vauxhall: the G R's were V R's--the cocked hats were round hats--the
+fiddlers were foreigners--the Rotunda was Astley's--the night was
+moon-shiny--and there was not--our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful
+fact--there was not "Simpson" to exclaim, "Welcome to the royal property!"
+Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou
+doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge
+of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name
+immortal--Peace to thy manes!
+
+STRAND.--The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have
+produced another mythological drama, called "The Frolics of the Fairies;
+or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle," from the pen of Leman Rede, who is,
+without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of
+Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this
+piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it
+arose from the _indisposition_ of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same
+hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and "a gem of the
+first water" she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be
+useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends
+more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success.
+It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest of--dare we call her
+mere woman?--little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle
+of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage
+reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can
+labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the
+production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve
+the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little
+Temple of Momus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord
+Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrow's
+late establishment; but whether the _peds_ are _bi_ or _quadru_,
+rumour sayeth not.
+
+
+A CARD.
+
+MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in
+general, that they supply _denouements_ to unfinished stories, on the
+most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of
+catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.
+
+
+FOR MELO-DRAMA.
+
+Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.
+
+Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.
+
+Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of
+virtue.
+
+
+FOR FARCES.
+
+Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c.
+
+
+FOR COMEDIES.
+
+Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune.
+
+Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.
+
+Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter.
+
+Ditto, ditto, very fine, "with convenient cordial," and true gentlemen,
+illustrated by an old _debauchee_.
+
+N.B.--On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides,
+strongly recommended for Surrey use.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WHY AND BECAUSE.
+
+
+    Young Kean's a bad cigar--because
+    The more he's puff'd, the worse he draws.
+
+A new farce, entitled "My Friend the Captain," is to be produced tonight,
+at the Haymarket Theatre.
+
+MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday
+next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actor's professional
+brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has
+always been ready to afford to others.
+
+TO MRS. H.
+
+  Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,
+  No wonder men run after thee;
+  There's something in a name, perhaps,
+  For _Honey's_ often good for _chaps_.
+
+A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very
+chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of
+Mr. Davidge's patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss
+Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that "music
+hath charms."
+
+We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous
+who was lately returned for Westminster.
+
+
+THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA.
+
+_Berthelda_.--Sanguine, you have killed your _mother_!!!
+
+_Fruitwoman_.--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
+
+(_Curtain falls_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.
+
+We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament
+for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very
+liberally distributed by Captain Rons's party, during the late contest:--
+
+1st. Because "he is _brother to the Earl_ of Stradbroke."
+
+2nd. Because "his _family_ have always been hearty Conservatives."
+
+3rd. Because "they have been established in _Suffolk_ from the time
+of the _Heptarchy_."
+
+4th. Because "he entered the navy in 1808."
+
+5th. Because "he _brought home Lord Aylmer_ in the Pique, in 1835."
+
+6th. Because "he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle."
+
+7th. Because "after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again."
+
+8th. Because "he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot,
+lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!"
+ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.--Q.E.D.
+
+
+THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.
+
+LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant
+member to "go the whole hog." This is natural advice from a _thorough
+bore_ like his lordship.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+1, July 17, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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