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diff --git a/13563-0.txt b/13563-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8746a19 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1339 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13563 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 4, 1891. + + + + + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +URBI ET ORBI. + +Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory congratulations on the +occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this opportunity of informing his +friends--which means Everybody Everywhere--that the 50th anniversary +of his natal day is July 18 _prox._, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby gives +full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone Everywhere to +keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, and to the utmost of +their ability, just exactly what best pleases them. + +PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANTREY BEQUEST À LA MODE DE LISLE. + + ["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to veto any pictures + purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that did not meet with + their approval."--_Daily Paper._] + +SCENE--_A Studio in the Royal Academy. The_ President _and several_ +Members of the Council _waiting arrival of Government to inspect their +most recent purchase._ + +_President_ (_with assumed joviality_). Well, my dear Colleagues, I +do not think exception _can_ be taken to this composition. Simple and +effective, is it not? + +_First Member of Council_ (_gloomily_). Oh, you never know! I think we +ought to have opposed the admission of the Cabinet--what should _they_ +know about Art? + +_Second Mem_. (_drily_). Enough to make speeches at the annual +dinner--to which they wouldn't come if we snubbed them. + +_First Mem_. What of that? I am sure the President is quite eloquent +enough to stand alone. + +_Pres_. (_with a graceful bow_). You are most kind. But, hush! here +comes Lord SALISBURY! + +_Enter the_ PRIME MINISTER. _Cordial greetings._ + +_Premier_ (_briskly_). I am sure you will forgive me if I get through +this quickly. (_Looking at picture._) Hm! Yes, very nice; but _did_ +EDWARD the Black Prince wear his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure +I refrain from appearing in mine under similar circumstances. (_To_ +Pres.) Do you think the Artist could paint it out? + +_Pres_. I feel sure he will do everything in his power to satisfy your +Lordship's artistic instincts. + +_Premier_. Just so. + +[_Exit_ R. _when enter_ FIRST LORD of the TREASURY, L. + +_Pres_. (_greeting new-comer cordially_). Most glad to see you, my +dear Right Hon. Sir! + +_First Lord_. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am always anxious +to do my duty to my Queen and Country. (_Gazing at picture._) Hm! Not +bad! But, I say, I do know something of yachting, and that isn't the +way to brace up the marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main +jibboom three points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture +a suggestion--hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! A bird in +the hand is worth two in the bush. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will think of the +matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice _is_ a little superfluous. +Why here is the HOME SECRETARY. + +[_Enter that august personage--mutual greeting._ + +_Home Sec_. (_examining picture_). Yes, very nice. Just my idea of +what a historical picture _should_ be! Sea-view very fair indeed, +and I think that the suggestion of the presentation at Court is +also extremely neat. The Black Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER +CROMWELL, but then that is a detail that will not challenge particular +attention. I like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens--very good, indeed! +But why should a scene of this great historical importance be laid in +Charing Cross during a labour demonstration? + +_Pres_. (_frankly_). I cannot say that I have looked up all my +authorities, but I do not think our friend would allow himself to be +wrong on so important a point. + +_Home Sec_. Well, I think it would be in better taste if the Artist +cut out that stampede of police--it is not true to nature! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. There _may_ be something in what he says, but I do wish these +amateurs would keep their suggestions to themselves. + +_Enter_ FIRST LORD of the ADMIRALTY. + +_Pres_. (_cordially_). My dear Lord, delighted to see you--what do you +think of it? + +_First Lord_. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right has the Artist +to put the white ensign on the top of that light-house? It's against +the regulations--they should be flying the Trinity House flag--if +anything. That _must_ come out, you know--it really must! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. Ah! the +Secretary of State for War! (_Enter that official_) Well, Mr. +STANHOPE, and how do _you_ like the new purchase? + +_War Minister_ (_after, a glance at the canvas_). Tol lol. But come, I +say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat like _that_! And, I say, +as it isn't raining, why has he put up his umbrella? In the cause of +historical accuracy that should not be allowed. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. (_drily_). I am afraid our friend will have enough to do. +(_Enter the remainder of the Cabinet together_). Well, Gentlemen--hope +you approve of our purchase? + +_Remainder_ (_together_). Not at all. You should have only bought the +frame! [_Scene closes in on the consideration of this new point._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS." + +CHELSEA, JUNE, 1891. FOUR BELL(E)S.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS. + + [_Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King HENRY'S "holy shade" + on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of the Foundation of Eton + College._] + + To _Mr. Punch's_ friends, who think he blundered, + In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred, + And acted quite in error when he paid + Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade," + A word of explanation now is due, + To show how what he stated then was true. + The word is this--that fifty years have now + Elapsed since _Mr. Punch_ first made his bow; + And though since then with many friends he's parted, + Himself he is as young as when he started. + Just fifty years ago it now appears + That fair Etona claimed four hundred years. + Ungallant it had been if one had told her + That _Mr. Punch_ kept young whilst she grew older! + Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary + Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY + Became the founder of a Royal College-- + Well, _Mr. Punch_ prefers to have no knowledge. + He only does not know--has never known a + More worthy toast than "_Floreat Etona!_" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUSADERS. + + ["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin Journal, has given his + consent to a lottery being instituted throughout the Empire + 'for combating the slave trade in Africa.' Tickets to the + amount of eight millions of marks will be issued, five and + a half millions of which will be devoted to prizes."--_Daily + Telegraph Berlin Correspondent_.] + + KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days, + Might learn from WILHELM KAISER. + They risked their lives in Paynim frays, + We moderns have grown wiser. + 'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars + To buttress Churches tottery; + We, with the dice "financing" wars, + Conduct Crusades--by Lottery! + + * * * * * + +LIVE AND LEARN.--Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit that the +foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a wheel" may bring +the breaker woe. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER. + +[Illustration: C-l-n-l N-rth as _Falstaff_. L-rd C-l-r-dge as _Lord +Chief Justice. Henry the Fourth_, Part II., Act ii., Sc.] + +Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the architect of +his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have profited much by his +architectural knowledge when applied to house-building. The burly +Colonel--we forget at this moment what regiment is under his +distinguished command--has met many a great personage in his time, +but, like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian Archbishop +for the first time--St. Ambrose, we rather think it was, but no +matter--our bold Colonel had to climb down a bit on coming face to +face with the Lord Chief Justice of England. What a cast for a scene +out of _Henry the Fourth! Falstaff_, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord +COLERIDGE for the _Lord Chief Justice_. The scene might be Part II., +Act ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to _Sir John_, "You +speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of your +reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"--only for "woman," read +"architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE should be the pre-surname +of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. What's in a name? Yet there's a +good deal in the sound and look of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up +before the Lord Chief, who must quite recently have got hold of +quite a little library of useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. +NORTH'S money seems to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that +is, the architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel +Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. Never +mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be lucky. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK. + +I.--FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE. + + 'How mad and bad and sad it was-- + But then, how it was sweet!"--BROWNING. + +II.--FOR MR. GLADSTONE. + + "Et longa canoros + Dant per colla modos."--VIRGIL. + +III.--FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD. + +"Gaiter.--A covering for the leg."--ENGLISH DICTIONARY. + +IV.--FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD WEATHER. + +"They also serve who only stand and wait."--MILTON. + + * * * * * + +AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.--Hair PADDY REWSKI is a pianofortist up to the +time and tune of day. Knowing that _L'Enfant Prodigue_ is now all +the go, he keeps himself up to date by performing the Musical Prodigy +Son's, I mean MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so +effectively, that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and +much obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played +_La Campanella_, Which I prefer to _Gentle Zitella_, The Princess +LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was really looking uncommonly well +considering the heat. Bravo, PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_By Our Own Grandolph._) + +(FIRST LETTER--A.) + +1.--_From Paddington to the first comma is a comparatively slight +stop._ + +Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train started +from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless ideas are +suggested by this title, &c., &c. (_This part I'll send to Daily +Graphic._) + +REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY. + +Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. That's +enough. "_Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais_ as MARLBROOK Junior I +may say, "_Je reviendrai."_ Politics to the winds! or, colloquially, +Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, +TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & +Co." + +[Illustration] + +THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY. + +Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A BALFOUR--beg +pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR--and DRUMMY WOLFFY, and _De_ GORSTIBUS +_non disputandum_ ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a +quartette, though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a +concerted piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now--"Where am dat +barty now?"--I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting correctly is +not my _forte_. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; he was the "barty" of our +party, in the merry days of old. Now--none of 'em here, and I with +my ink-stand before me, a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any +amount of foolscap, represent "the composition" of our party. I must +get on with my "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This +is a holiday task. One, two, three, off!--and away! + +ALL ABROAD. + +Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left London, and are +at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS suggests these lines, to +which I append my own translation. BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin +at Eton (I hear by private wire that he admitted as much in his recent +speech at the fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, +couldn't give the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's +reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't looking:-- + + "Ille terrarum mihi præter omnes + Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto + Melle decedunt, viridique certat + Bacca Venafro. + + "Vir ubi longum tepidusque præbet + Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon, + Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis + Invidet uvis." + +Which translated means:-- + +He, the Englishman (_Angulus_), beside me (that is, "sitting on deck +by my side") laughs at all people on shore when he is quite certain +(_certat_) that he can't get good tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local +tobacconist). (This) man prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so +soon hot, for, by Jove, you'll burn yourself (_brumas_), and being +a friend of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who +can smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for +Falernian (_classic metaphor for Cape wine_). + +I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give BALFOUR +(the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a steerer) a mile +over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him easily. + +WHERE ARE WE NOW? + +[Illustration: The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira.] + +_En route_, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in amiable +temper--not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. Chatsworth not in it +with the smallest flower-and-kitchen garden here. Dined at the +"Brag"--short for Braganza. Suddenly inspired--wrote drinking song:-- + + _Sancho Panza_ + At Braganza, + Quaffed no end of cup, + But _Don Quixit_ + Said "Don't mix it-- + Let us go and sup." + +Have composed my own music to this--call it my musical cup-yright. +Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other rates at sea, except +pi-rates, and the rate we're now going at--i.e., two knots an hour, +and ties pay the dealer. Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after +the above symposium, carried round the town to the air of "_Please +to Remember_," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything too previous +here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's nowhere, except in +some other places. This is the meteorological or illogical rule, the +"_Summa Lex_." Look at my bearers! These are heads of the people, +eh? Carried round town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I +_now_ look upon as my native place, or _the land of my berth!_ + +"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!" + +[Illustration] + +Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, was a +worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned by the poet +as having done so; you remember-- + + "Hope told a flattering tale;" + +but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY were here, +and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate place to pick up +health. Every morning I climb the maintop-gallant, plunge into the +ocean, and out again in the blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, +grapple with fresh lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he +knows where he is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. +Excellent lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and +boiled! Such a breakfast! + +QUITE A TROPICAL SONG! + +Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" magnificent! +Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's fine. Splendid +specimen of the "Boot-tree" (_Arbor tegumenpedis_), and the quaint +"Blacking-Brush Plant," which is its invariable companion. No time to +spare, however--off again to the _Grantully Castle_, with pockets full +of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit on them in boat. +Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit squash in your tail-coat +pocket not so refreshing. + +CAPERING. + +There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give you my +word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but saw most of +'em through telescope before landing. There's an old Town House and +a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; Museum, Library, with +Manuscripts badly illuminated before the discovery of gas; and as good +a glass of Port (called here "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH +MARTIN, who first took to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) +as you'd wish to get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for +halfpence in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral +wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined them, +and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something +in South-African, which the street Arabs here speak to perfection, and +which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on CECIL, +the Colossus of Rhodes, but he was absent at the time. Fine place, the +Cape. "Why," I asked myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, +Herne Bay, and even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside +place as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it +before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, they +_won't strike out a line of their own_. [N.B.--I must beg the Editor, +when he gets this, not to strike out any line of mine, _as it's +business_, and means advertisement.] + +THE ODD TREK. + +[Illustration] + +Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, and beat +him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness; but at game +No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a "trek" worth any three of +his. He wanted to go about with me after this, but he became such a +Boer (that's the origin of our word at home signifying "nuisance") +that I cut him, and his pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch +races. Shall pick up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not +writing any more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the +_Daily Graphic_, besides cramming and reading up for it far more than +ever I did at Oxford. However, the _jeu d'esprit_ is well worth the +_chandelle_. You don't want much about local politics--do you? If +so, wire's the word, and I'm there. Looking forward to see +_What-can-the-Matter-be-Land_, also SAM BEST, and other old friends, +with whose names, at least, the papers have already made you familiar. +Must be off now, as I've an interview with the High Commissioner, who +does all my business for me at the native races. Obliged to give him +twenty per cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason +why he has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly +enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per cent. +on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." Newmarket not +in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, adoo!" Mind you, +I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out +here, "White to win in a few moves," [to which I shall soon be able +to put you up], and "Black not to win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry +work, scribbling; but luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious +fruit can be had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use +the information, if he likes, till I return. _Au revoir!_ Yours ever, + +[Illustration: Transcriber's Note: "Grandolph, the Explorer." +rendered in script.] + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--AUTHORSHIP.--I should be glad to know the name of +a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for £1000 a +first-rate Sensational Novel? I have only written one chapter so +far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and +energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a +small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT £5000 for +_Middlemarch?_ I should like to go to them.--NO JUGGINS. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June._--We had an immense meeting here last +night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to +got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse +or other, and we had to content ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an +Undersecretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. +VULLIAMY came too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being +offended at what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale +illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a gentle +protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me +to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was considerable +difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, +so as not to leave any of the important local chiefs out of +the proceedings. First of all TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the +proceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty's +Government, proposed by Colonel CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To +this CARDEW responded. + +[Illustration: Free and Independent Elector.] + +Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, +to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY DIKES proposed a vote of +thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by BLISSOP, and after a +few cordial words from TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the +whole, everything went off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a +masterpiece. He said:-- + +"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private +concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have had +an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I +have known him for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more +and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in +political matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, +and his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a +brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But what +chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable +uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and +determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it +will be kept free from all personal bitterness, and will be conducted +in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute +and scrupulous legality of everything that may be done. The conscience +of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its +suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice +to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, +and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the +greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury +to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain +to approach." + +This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had followed +his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But the cheers +that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthusiastic coming +from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with +VULLIAMY'S suggestions. + +_Wednesday, June 4th._--The _Meteor_ is furious about our meeting +yesterday. It says, in a leader:--"Do these gentlemen suppose that the +froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is +likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in which +the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have +nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his youth, +combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely +disqualifies him for the responsible post to which his foolish +ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid +imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the +Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to speak in +public; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, +do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the +sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice in no +unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it." + +The _Guardian_ is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, "has it been +our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our cause expounded with +an eloquence so convincing. Mr. CARDEW spoke, as he always does, with +that sturdy good sense which has not only made him a redoubtable foe +in the House of Commons, but has endeared his name to the masses of +the English people. Mr. VULLIAMY again showed himself a master of the +great questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while +he contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with the +wise, but generous economies, established by those who now hold the +reins of Government. Our popular and eloquent young Candidate, Mr. +PATTLE, showed himself not unworthy to take his place side by side +with the two great men we have mentioned upon the Government benches. +Rarely has any meeting displayed greater enthusiasm and unanimity. Our +wretched opponents may well hide their diminished heads. Another nail +has been struck into the coffin of the CHUBSONS, and the rest of the +gang whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the last +election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury politics. They +have earned their doom. _Sic semper tyrannis!_" + +There's a curious paragraph in a little weekly sort of Society rag +published in Billsbury. It says:--"Mr. PATTLE has prolonged his stay +in Billsbury for some time. Can it _all_ be politics? I say nothing. +But others have been heard to whisper nothings which are sweet. +What price bonnets?" I suppose the idiot means to hint that there's +something between me and Miss PENFOLD? Hope MARY won't hear of this +rubbish. + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +NO. XXVI.--THE LADY SHOPKEEPER. + +Ladies who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, or to +counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves to the +keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing body. In times +so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory of a juvenile dowager, +it was held by the high dry exponents of aristocratic privilege that +to touch trade, even when it proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved +hand, was to be defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian +Duchess. To be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors +contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of nobility +sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it upon a commercial +foundation, and cementing it with the dower of a "tradesman's" +daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose exclusive dust has long +since been consigned to family vaults with appropriate inscriptions, +could have foreseen the dreadful inroads of the trading spirit, if +in a moment of prophetic rapture they could have watched the painful +decay of caste which permits a lady to dabble in bonnets, to toy with +the making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a dressmaker, +and, horror of horrors, to send in bills to her customers, surely +they would have refrained from the tomb in order to stem the tide of +advancing demoralisation. But they are dead, and we who remain are +left to deal as best we may with the uncompromising spirit of the age. + +[Illustration] + +It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a Lady +Shopkeeper that she should have been at one time both affluent and +socially distinguished. If to these qualities she can add the supreme +advantage of good looks and a modest demeanour, her career is certain +to be a prosperous and a rapid one. If, finally, she has been mated +to a husband who, having long ago spent his own cash, contrives in +a short time to run a best on record through hers, if he is a good +fellow of a sort, with a capacity for making friends which is as large +as his generosity in staking money, she may be sure that no element +will be wanting to her success. It is of course unnecessary that she +should have served any apprenticeship to the trade that she ultimately +adopts. When, after some glittering seasons of horses and footmen +and brilliant parties, the crash comes upon the little household, her +friends will be called into council. Some will recommend a retired +life in a distant suburb, where it is currently reported that £250 a +year may be made to play the part of £2,000 in the heart of May Fair. +Others will hint that governesses have been known, after years of +painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a short old age; others, +again, will dive into the storehouse of their reminiscences, in order +to produce for inspection the well-known example of a colonel and +his wife, who defied both the fates and the rheumatism in the modest +_pension_ of a Continental watering-place. All these suggestions, +however, are eventually put aside in favour of the advice that a +shop should be started, a _nom de commerce_ adopted, and a circle of +friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertisement. After these +matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes necessary +to determine to what special branch the talents of the prospective +Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this is accomplished, +and in a few months more the world of fashion may learn by private +circular or public paragraph, that a new competitor for its favours +has been launched into commercial activity under a sweetly symbolical +name. + +After this everything depends upon the Lady herself. At first +everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round her, and she +may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that the staunchest and +truest are those of whom, in her days of brilliant prosperity, she +thought the least. But a _succès d'estime_ is soon exhausted. Unless +she conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her +goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends in her +accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after their payment, +her customers and her profits will fall away. But if she attends +strictly to business herself, or engages a good business woman to +assist her, and orders her affairs in accordance with the dictates of +a proper self-interest, she is almost certain to do well, and to reap +the reward of those who face the world without flinching, and fight +the battle of life sturdily and with an honest purpose. Some painful +moments may fall to her lot. It may be that in a crowded assemblage +of wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the +dress-making art, torn into shreds under the clumsy heel of a Cabinet +Minister, or a Duchess may speak unkindly in her hearing of her latest +devices in floral decoration. Or, some brainless nincompoop may, +in his ignorance of her profession, cast aspersions on the general +character and behaviour of all who keep shops. And it may be that +friends, after a prolonged period of non-payment, will desert her, and +speak ill of her business. But she will be able to console herself for +those and similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the +world honours those who battle against ill-fortune without complaint +far above the needy crowd of spongers who strive to batten without +effort on the crumbs that fall from the tables of the rich. + + * * * * * + + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S VISIT TO THE CITY. + +[Illustration] + +Well, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in the old +Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which this year +happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to receive to Lunshon, +quite in a frendly way, the Hemperer and the Hempress of all GERMANY, +not forgitting Hellygoland which we so kindly guv 'em larst year, and, +in addishun, about twenty other princes and princesses from differing +forren parts, as has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do +'em honour, and as if that wasn't quite enuff for one day, the noble +Prince of WHALES, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the +Royal Family, will be werry much "hall there" for to receeve 'em and +shew 'em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the butiful Gildhall +made into a bower of roses, and covered with reel dammarsk tablecloths +from top to bottom, and them all covered with such a fairy-like +Lunshon as makes my pore old mouth water ony jest to think upon! +There's one thing as I'm afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be +werry angry at, and that is, as they ain't a going for to make him +free of the Citty, which is one of them grate honners as all the +celibryties of the World pines for. BROWN says it ain't _commy fo_, as +the French says, but BROWN don't know everythink, tho' he is a trying +his werry best to learn a few German words in case the Hemperer asks +him for sumthink to eat, such as a little sour krowt. The best of the +fun is that he acshally spells sour, _sauer!_ I ain't not a pertickler +good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of sich a +blunder as that. + +The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for to look +jest a little pail and worryed--and who can wunder at it, for I'm told +as they is amost torn to peaces with applications for Tickets, tho +they ony has two a-peace for their friends, and won't have one for +theirselves, but will have to walk about all the time of the +Lunch, with their long sticks of office, to see as ewerybody xcept +theirselves is nice and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. +And, torking of drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore +fellers! who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in +the Citty, to taste all their werry best wines, and decide which, +of every kind and description, they shall select for their himperial +royal gests. Why it's amost enuff to give 'em all hedakes for the rest +of their nateral lives. + +I don't know of any further arrangements as is quite finally settled, +so praps I may have jest a few lines to add nex week. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--A FIRST READING.--Would some person kindly inform +me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert? I have been asked to +recite "something telling" after the annual banquet of a Club of local +Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of _Paradise +Lost_. Or would parts of _The Excursion_ be more likely to create +a _furore_? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather +doubtful of my ability to "hold" the Victuallers.--WILLING TO OBLIGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENTLE SATIRE. + +"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE DILEMMA." + +(_An old Irish Story newly applied._) + + ["On which horn of the dilemma will the Gladstonians elect + to stand?"--_Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir + W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstonian + programme._] + +_Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur_:-- + + Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is _the_ thing + To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic. + I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting, + The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic. + Remember a picture I once chanced to see, + A Pompeian sentinel posed at a portal, + And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. That's Me! + As my country's defender, my fame is immortal. + + Yes, the Sentinel's _rôle_ suits my style passing well; + The enemy won't find me napping or nodding. + But what I _most_ like as I do sentry spell, + Is the fine opportunity offered for--prodding! + I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do, + With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup; + But when there's a chance for 'a thrust--whirraroo! + My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up! + JOE, the Sentry, you know, like _Joe Bagstock_, is sly, + Ay, "devilish sly,"--if I may speak profanely. + That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering there--why, + The big burly Bobadil's acting insanely. + I _do_ like to draw him. These ramparts are mine, + But because we're old comrades he cheeks me. "Woa, EMMA!" + As cads used to shout. I extremely incline + To tickle him up with--a two-horned Dilemma! + + "Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out there + With a--Snark; 'tis a Boojum which shortly may vanish. + Like _Frankenstein's_, his is a Monster, I fear, + He would--did he dare--be delighted to banish. + That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems + A "handful" with which you are destined to struggle, + Which darkens your days as it haunts all your dreams; + Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle. + + _You've got him, you say?_ Well, then, bring him along! + Ha! ha! Says _"he can't!"_ That's exceedingly funny! + It _is_ very hard when your "captive"'s so strong, + He won't do your bidding for love or for money. + Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance. + Like PAT'S prisoner--all know the old Irish story-- + He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance. + Such "prisoners" _do_ mar their conqueror's glory. + + _"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on alone!"_-- + Eh! "Captive won't _let_ you?" That's just what I told you! + Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown; + He's got _you_, my friend, and, my faith, he will _hold_ you. + 'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again, + Only you're the true PAT. You can't take it _or_ leave it. + Your triumph was futile, your struggles are vain; + Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot deceive it. + +[_Left chortling, but still "on duty."_ + + * * * * * + +"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"-- SUCCESSION? + +"Supply--Army Estimates." + + General FRASER--not a _phraser_ clearly-- + Military grumbling vents sincerely; + House won't listen, and the cruel _Times_ + Summarised his tale of woes and crimes, + As--great CÆSAR!--"a few observations." + TANNER, always great on such occasions, + Intimates that it is his impression + Soldiers are "succeeding in succession" + In the interest of more Expense. + Well, "economists" make stir immense, + But in spite of most Draconic manner, + Hardly ever seem to _save_--a "tanner." + So that one is prone to think indeed, + In succession they do _not_--"succeed!" + + * * * * * + +"A LEGGE UP."--The new Bishop of LICHFIELD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE DILEMMA." + +(_NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY_.) + +H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT HE _WON'T COME!_" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT _HE WON'T LET ME!!!_"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +DILATORY DINNERS. + +SCENE--_The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular +evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrangements, +and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently +strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and +youthful Guest._ + +_The Egotistic Amphitryon_ (_concluding an harangue_). Well, all +_I_'ve got to say is I've been here half-an-hour--(_with a bitter +sense of the anomaly of the situation_)--waiting about for _You!!_ +(_They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the +verandah._) Oh, you're going to sit _that_ side, are you? It's all the +same to me, except that there's a confounded draught here which--well, +you're young, and these things don't affect you--or oughtn't to. +(_They exchange sides._) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we +mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly +told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter _presents a carte, and +stands by with a proud humility._) Now, what are you going to have? +(_To_ Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care +what he eats--he _ought_ to care, he _must_ care. What do you say +to this--"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise; +Brimborions de veau farcis à l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New +Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (_To_ Waiter.) Let us +have that as sharp as you can; do you hear? + +[Illustration] + +_Waiter_. Quick? Yes, I dell zem. [_He hurries off._ + +_The E.A._ Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! (_To_ Guest.) +What will you drink? + +_The Guest_ (_thinks it will look greedy if he suggests champagne_). +Oh--er--whatever _you're_ going to drink. + +_The E.A._ Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want +it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (_considerately_), say +so. (_The_ Guest, _in a spirit of propitiation, prefers beer._) Well, +we could have managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never +so good to my mind in the pints--but please yourself, of course. +[_The_ Guest _feels that his moderation has missed fire, but dares +not retract; they sit in silence for some time, without anything of +importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and +carries away their bread-basket._ + +_A Meek Man_ (_at an adjoining table, who, probably for family +reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline +nose and remarkably thick eyebrows._) You know, HORATIA, I call this +sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air, +eh? [_He rubs his hands under the table._ + +_Horatia_ (_acidly_). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when we _do_ have it. At +present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but +fresh air and small flies, and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon +myself, why-- [_She fans herself vigorously._ + +_Augustus_. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trout +_en papillotes_ might take some little time. I suppose (_with mild +Jocularity_)--it's a fashionable fish--wants to come in with a "little +head sunning over with curls," as the poet says. + +_Horatia_. Please don't make jokes of that sort--unless you wish to +destroy the little appetite I have left! + +_Augustus_ (_penitently_). Never mind--I won't do it again. Here 's +our Waiter at last. _Now_ we're all right! [_The_ Waiter _puts a dish +down upon another table, and advances with the air of a family friend +who brings bad tidings._ + +_Horatia_. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once? + +_The Waiter_ (_bending down to_ AUGUSTUS _with pity and sympathy_). +Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting, +bot (_thinks how he can break it most gently_) ve haf zo many beople +hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more +drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay! + +_Augustus_ (_mildly_). No, of course not--well, let me see, now, what +can you--? + +_The E.A._ Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? What the-- + +_Waiter_ (_to_ AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (_To_ +E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes? + +_The E.A._ (_exploding_). My bill! Confound it! I want something to +eat first. When is that Bisque coming? + +_Waiter_. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your +Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [_He goes._ + +_Horatia_. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I +suppose you mean to do _something_, AUGUSTUS? + +_Augustus_. Of course--certainly. I shall speak very strongly. +(_Bleating_.) Waiter! + +_Horatia_ (_with scorn_). _Do_ you imagine they will pay the least +attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Lot them see you _insist_ +upon being obeyed. + +_Augustus_. I am--I mean, I will--I am very much annoyed. +(_Fiercely_.) Wa-ai-ter! + +_A Stern Waiter_ (_appearing suddenly_.) You vant somsing, Sir? + +_Augustus_ (_apologetically_). Yes; we should--er--like something to +eat--anything--so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't mind. +"We--this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time +already, you see. + +_The Waiter_. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your +Vaiter. [_He vanishes._ + +_The E.A_. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at +last! (_A_ Waiter _appears with a tureen, which he uncovers._) Here, +what do you call _this?_ + +_Waiter_. Groûte au Bot--you order him, yes? No? I dake him away! [_He +whisks it away, to the chagrin of_ Guest, _who thought it smelt nice._ + +The E.A_. I ordered Bisque--where is it? and I want some wine, too--a +pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they're not here very soon, +I'll-- + +_The Guest_ (_trying to make the best of things_). Nothing for it but +patience, I suppose. + +_The E.A._ (_with intention_). I had very little of _that_ left before +I sat down, I can tell you! + +_A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner._ Waiter, could you spare me one +moment of your valuable time? (_The_ Waiter _halts irresolutely._) It +is so long since I had the pleasure of speaking to you, that you may +possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I +ventured to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de terre +with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea how much +longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime +enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the +favour of a penny roll, if I am not trespassing too much upon your +good-nature? [_The_ Waiter, _in a state of extreme mystification and +alarm, departs to inform the_ Manager. + +_The E.A.'s Waiter_ (_reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne +bottle and glass of lager._) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you +zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson. [_He bows with +well-bred concern._ + +_The E.A_. Confound it all! (_To_ Guest.) Here, _you'd_ better take +this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? Well, Bisque _is_ apt to +disagree with some people. (_To_ Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring +this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (_He +busies himself with his Bisque, while the_ Guest, _in pure absence +of mind, drinks the champagne with which the_ Waiter _has filled his +glass._) Here, what are you doing? _I_ didn't order lager. (_Perceives +the mistake_.) Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (_To_ Guest.) +All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. +(_To_ W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager stuff away. +(_Exit_ W.; _the unfortunate_ Guest, _in attempting to pass the +bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup._) Hullo, what +the--there--(_controlling himself_). You might have left me the +_soup_, at all events! Well--well--it's no use saying any more about +it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day. + +[_General tumult from several tables; appeals to the_ Waiters, _who +lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue_; +HORATIA _threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at +a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; +explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous production +of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes +in._ + +N.B.--_Mr. Punch_ wishes it to be understood that the above sketch +is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular +restaurants existing at present in either exhibition. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND MILITARY.--"Ancient Lights."--Retired Lancers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.] + + * * * * * + +MEDICINAL MUSIC. + +(_A Growl from a "Quiet Street."_) + + ["There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon + a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in + cases of mental and bodily disease."--_Daily Telegraph_.] + + Curative Music? Just as well expect + An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon! + Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect + Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ; + A febrifuge in a flat German Band, + A prophylactic in a street-piano! + Some quackery a man _can_ understand, + But Music I'll _not_ take, even _cum grano_. + I don't believe what classic noodles say, + That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES; + That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play + From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses. + I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls + Were twangled into place by young Amphion. + Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls? + Not _mine_, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion. + Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs--_all_ are bad. + And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity. + Stop, though! _I_'m sane, and they just drive me mad; + So Music _may_ drive _idiots_ into sanity! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A SMOKING CONCERT. + +_Distinguished Amateur_ (_with good Method but small Voice, suddenly +jumping up from Piano_). "LOOK HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD +FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!" + +_Algy_. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN--AWFULLY SORRY--DIDN'T KNOW YOU _WERE_ +SINGING, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23_, 12'15 A.M.--House just +adjourned; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous +danger. Been at it through greater part of night debating Second +Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech +of fiery eloquence. The SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to +J.A.P. without an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his +voice and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, +as ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy +supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The SQUIRE, though +not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear a rival in the +oratorical field. Had things turned out differently to-night, he might +have enjoyed the advantage of addressing House at this favourable +hour, whilst its withers were yet unwrung. + +[Illustration: Sir Algernon.] + +But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's strategy for +nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education Bill appeared on the +paper, he romped in, and put down Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't +mean to move it; doesn't move it; but he gets first place in principal +Debate of Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous +argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration. + +It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident +arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CRANBORNE suddenly +got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. had bowled him and others +over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, +and the HOPE of HATFIELD determined he would collar that. Had the +Motion for Adjournment been accepted, he would, in accordance with +usage, have opened the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, +and in the mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of +an hour. + +"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech." + +All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest withal; not the +person to argue with his pastors and masters. So resumed his seat. If +they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak through the +quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listening Senate and +the waiting world would never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As +the SPEAKER gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he +had exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his thesis +at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate +without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak +now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the Debate was concerned. +This was awkward; but no help for it; so CRANBORNE plunged in and +talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done_.--Second Reading of Education Bill moved. + +_Tuesday_.--Another night with Education Bill. Position rather +peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation +of the measure; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the +infant slumbers gives it a sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist +gets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which +Conservatives been led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night +made capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly declares +his regret that good Tories should be asked to support principles +which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed at General +Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and persuasively attempts to stem +this growing torrent of discontent. "The change of opinion on this +side of the House," he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, +clutching at an imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an +impalpable brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times +have altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"--and here ADDISON, +like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,--"to adapt +themselves to the necessities of the case." + +JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind ADDISON, had +no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years I've sat in this +House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that time have seen measures +which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to +denounce, cordially received by our Leaders and passed into law. For +my part, I cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might +eat of it now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, +it becomes a little monotonous." + +OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone off, +and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Street, find +written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten Minutes." That's +all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD +MORALITY comes not. But he sometimes communicates with his most +intimate friends. Have this morning a note from him. + +"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find you well +as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in +pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance to be just now. Some +people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the +merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in charge of the Free Education Bill +is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a commencement. +Now I've started I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse +my not mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, +I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and Country, +and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they may sit. If you want to write to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, +England.' I have reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of +the Post Office under the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the +missive thus directed will not fail to reach its destination." + +_Business done_.--On Second Reading of Education Bill. + +_Thursday_.--An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When +he was here, we used to call him LONG LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her +MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must behave to him as such. + +"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as friendly as if he +were still at the Bar. + +"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a Parliamentary Hand to +be inveigled into familiarity by his unassuming manner. + +Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the +learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called +in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. is absent on sick +leave--not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have +it. OLD MORALITY back to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final +effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also +absent; news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic +accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" from +Brighton to Steyning. + +"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had been +committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the +one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade +pursuit." + +[Illustration: Long Lawrence.] + +At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. +Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail: "The +ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL drove away in the +direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the whip and reins." + +"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She always takes +the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the trick's done." + +SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the +Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, +and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end. + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read Second +Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of +honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. DERBY brought +down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst +ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY seized opportunity to read his speech +over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly carried out +intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages +in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, +who sat near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he +whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and JOAN, +you know; but won't do here." + +DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn came, +when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud. + +_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health Bill in +Commons. + + * * * * * + +MISS NOMER. + +[Illustration: Tree in _Hamlet_.] + +Now why was _The Dancing Girl_ ever called _The Dancing Girl_ at +all? As a matter of fact she never did dance, and from last week's +advertisements we find that she has been "running" ever since her +first appearance. Now she's off for another run in the provinces, and +then back again. Quite a theatrical illustration of the sporting term +"running in and out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces +he is to appear as the _Prince of Denmark_. + + * * * * * + +THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY. + +(_Arranged in Question and Answer Form._) + +_Question_. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army +(especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who +obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing? + +_Answer_. Indeed you may. + +_Q._ And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the +scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the "Sappers") +were rather looked down upon than otherwise? + +_A._ Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, +and not through money-bags. + +_Q._ And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establishment has +been reduced from 275 to 68? + +_A._ A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain number +of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down +from the left shoulder. + +_Q._ Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause you +also considerable loss? + +_A._ Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose that +once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing +he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentleman. + +_Q._ Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be +called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces? + +_A._ Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified. + +_Q._ And do you not object to your condition generally? + +_A._ Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is _the_ burning +one of the hour! + +_Q._ And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of +the Army? + +_A_. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely +the consideration of the Authorities! + + * * * * * + +THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS. + +To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or +"_Plunketto_," as the name appears in the opera of _Marta_-- + +_Whether_ there cannot be some improvement made in that Despondent +Slough known as Rotten Row? + +[Illustration] + +_Whether_ Kensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their +charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two +good rides right across, and a few intersecting bridle-paths, after +the fashion of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of +the Row, which is getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and +more and more crowded every summer? + +_Whether_, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something +cannot be done in time for the season of 1892? + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. July 4, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13563 *** |