diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-0.txt | 1339 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/13563-h.htm | 1974 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/001.png | bin | 0 -> 109763 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/001a.png | bin | 0 -> 119038 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/002-1.png | bin | 0 -> 82146 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/002-2.png | bin | 0 -> 25896 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/003-1.png | bin | 0 -> 54454 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/003-2.png | bin | 0 -> 28332 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/003-3.png | bin | 0 -> 18966 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/004-1.png | bin | 0 -> 33738 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/004-2.png | bin | 0 -> 2273 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/004-3.png | bin | 0 -> 10516 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/005-1.png | bin | 0 -> 32298 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/005-2.png | bin | 0 -> 7886 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/006.png | bin | 0 -> 171191 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/007.png | bin | 0 -> 232958 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/009.png | bin | 0 -> 31138 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/010.png | bin | 0 -> 420106 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/011-1.png | bin | 0 -> 103234 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/011-2.png | bin | 0 -> 9682 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/012-1.png | bin | 0 -> 16241 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/012-2.png | bin | 0 -> 29007 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/012-3.png | bin | 0 -> 7674 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13563-h/images/pointer.png | bin | 0 -> 996 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-8.txt | 1728 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 35076 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1584932 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/13563-h.htm | 2389 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/001.png | bin | 0 -> 109763 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/001a.png | bin | 0 -> 119038 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/002-1.png | bin | 0 -> 82146 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/002-2.png | bin | 0 -> 25896 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/003-1.png | bin | 0 -> 54454 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/003-2.png | bin | 0 -> 28332 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/003-3.png | bin | 0 -> 18966 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/004-1.png | bin | 0 -> 33738 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/004-2.png | bin | 0 -> 2273 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/004-3.png | bin | 0 -> 10516 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/005-1.png | bin | 0 -> 32298 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/005-2.png | bin | 0 -> 7886 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/006.png | bin | 0 -> 171191 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/007.png | bin | 0 -> 232958 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/009.png | bin | 0 -> 31138 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/010.png | bin | 0 -> 420106 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/011-1.png | bin | 0 -> 103234 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/011-2.png | bin | 0 -> 9682 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/012-1.png | bin | 0 -> 16241 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/012-2.png | bin | 0 -> 29007 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/012-3.png | bin | 0 -> 7674 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563-h/images/pointer.png | bin | 0 -> 996 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563.txt | 1728 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13563.zip | bin | 0 -> 35029 bytes |
55 files changed, 9174 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13563-0.txt b/13563-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8746a19 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1339 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13563 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 4, 1891. + + + + + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +URBI ET ORBI. + +Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory congratulations on the +occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this opportunity of informing his +friends--which means Everybody Everywhere--that the 50th anniversary +of his natal day is July 18 _prox._, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby gives +full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone Everywhere to +keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, and to the utmost of +their ability, just exactly what best pleases them. + +PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANTREY BEQUEST À LA MODE DE LISLE. + + ["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to veto any pictures + purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that did not meet with + their approval."--_Daily Paper._] + +SCENE--_A Studio in the Royal Academy. The_ President _and several_ +Members of the Council _waiting arrival of Government to inspect their +most recent purchase._ + +_President_ (_with assumed joviality_). Well, my dear Colleagues, I +do not think exception _can_ be taken to this composition. Simple and +effective, is it not? + +_First Member of Council_ (_gloomily_). Oh, you never know! I think we +ought to have opposed the admission of the Cabinet--what should _they_ +know about Art? + +_Second Mem_. (_drily_). Enough to make speeches at the annual +dinner--to which they wouldn't come if we snubbed them. + +_First Mem_. What of that? I am sure the President is quite eloquent +enough to stand alone. + +_Pres_. (_with a graceful bow_). You are most kind. But, hush! here +comes Lord SALISBURY! + +_Enter the_ PRIME MINISTER. _Cordial greetings._ + +_Premier_ (_briskly_). I am sure you will forgive me if I get through +this quickly. (_Looking at picture._) Hm! Yes, very nice; but _did_ +EDWARD the Black Prince wear his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure +I refrain from appearing in mine under similar circumstances. (_To_ +Pres.) Do you think the Artist could paint it out? + +_Pres_. I feel sure he will do everything in his power to satisfy your +Lordship's artistic instincts. + +_Premier_. Just so. + +[_Exit_ R. _when enter_ FIRST LORD of the TREASURY, L. + +_Pres_. (_greeting new-comer cordially_). Most glad to see you, my +dear Right Hon. Sir! + +_First Lord_. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am always anxious +to do my duty to my Queen and Country. (_Gazing at picture._) Hm! Not +bad! But, I say, I do know something of yachting, and that isn't the +way to brace up the marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main +jibboom three points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture +a suggestion--hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! A bird in +the hand is worth two in the bush. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will think of the +matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice _is_ a little superfluous. +Why here is the HOME SECRETARY. + +[_Enter that august personage--mutual greeting._ + +_Home Sec_. (_examining picture_). Yes, very nice. Just my idea of +what a historical picture _should_ be! Sea-view very fair indeed, +and I think that the suggestion of the presentation at Court is +also extremely neat. The Black Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER +CROMWELL, but then that is a detail that will not challenge particular +attention. I like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens--very good, indeed! +But why should a scene of this great historical importance be laid in +Charing Cross during a labour demonstration? + +_Pres_. (_frankly_). I cannot say that I have looked up all my +authorities, but I do not think our friend would allow himself to be +wrong on so important a point. + +_Home Sec_. Well, I think it would be in better taste if the Artist +cut out that stampede of police--it is not true to nature! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. There _may_ be something in what he says, but I do wish these +amateurs would keep their suggestions to themselves. + +_Enter_ FIRST LORD of the ADMIRALTY. + +_Pres_. (_cordially_). My dear Lord, delighted to see you--what do you +think of it? + +_First Lord_. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right has the Artist +to put the white ensign on the top of that light-house? It's against +the regulations--they should be flying the Trinity House flag--if +anything. That _must_ come out, you know--it really must! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. Ah! the +Secretary of State for War! (_Enter that official_) Well, Mr. +STANHOPE, and how do _you_ like the new purchase? + +_War Minister_ (_after, a glance at the canvas_). Tol lol. But come, I +say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat like _that_! And, I say, +as it isn't raining, why has he put up his umbrella? In the cause of +historical accuracy that should not be allowed. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. (_drily_). I am afraid our friend will have enough to do. +(_Enter the remainder of the Cabinet together_). Well, Gentlemen--hope +you approve of our purchase? + +_Remainder_ (_together_). Not at all. You should have only bought the +frame! [_Scene closes in on the consideration of this new point._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS." + +CHELSEA, JUNE, 1891. FOUR BELL(E)S.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS. + + [_Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King HENRY'S "holy shade" + on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of the Foundation of Eton + College._] + + To _Mr. Punch's_ friends, who think he blundered, + In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred, + And acted quite in error when he paid + Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade," + A word of explanation now is due, + To show how what he stated then was true. + The word is this--that fifty years have now + Elapsed since _Mr. Punch_ first made his bow; + And though since then with many friends he's parted, + Himself he is as young as when he started. + Just fifty years ago it now appears + That fair Etona claimed four hundred years. + Ungallant it had been if one had told her + That _Mr. Punch_ kept young whilst she grew older! + Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary + Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY + Became the founder of a Royal College-- + Well, _Mr. Punch_ prefers to have no knowledge. + He only does not know--has never known a + More worthy toast than "_Floreat Etona!_" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUSADERS. + + ["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin Journal, has given his + consent to a lottery being instituted throughout the Empire + 'for combating the slave trade in Africa.' Tickets to the + amount of eight millions of marks will be issued, five and + a half millions of which will be devoted to prizes."--_Daily + Telegraph Berlin Correspondent_.] + + KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days, + Might learn from WILHELM KAISER. + They risked their lives in Paynim frays, + We moderns have grown wiser. + 'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars + To buttress Churches tottery; + We, with the dice "financing" wars, + Conduct Crusades--by Lottery! + + * * * * * + +LIVE AND LEARN.--Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit that the +foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a wheel" may bring +the breaker woe. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER. + +[Illustration: C-l-n-l N-rth as _Falstaff_. L-rd C-l-r-dge as _Lord +Chief Justice. Henry the Fourth_, Part II., Act ii., Sc.] + +Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the architect of +his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have profited much by his +architectural knowledge when applied to house-building. The burly +Colonel--we forget at this moment what regiment is under his +distinguished command--has met many a great personage in his time, +but, like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian Archbishop +for the first time--St. Ambrose, we rather think it was, but no +matter--our bold Colonel had to climb down a bit on coming face to +face with the Lord Chief Justice of England. What a cast for a scene +out of _Henry the Fourth! Falstaff_, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord +COLERIDGE for the _Lord Chief Justice_. The scene might be Part II., +Act ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to _Sir John_, "You +speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of your +reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"--only for "woman," read +"architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE should be the pre-surname +of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. What's in a name? Yet there's a +good deal in the sound and look of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up +before the Lord Chief, who must quite recently have got hold of +quite a little library of useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. +NORTH'S money seems to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that +is, the architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel +Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. Never +mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be lucky. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK. + +I.--FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE. + + 'How mad and bad and sad it was-- + But then, how it was sweet!"--BROWNING. + +II.--FOR MR. GLADSTONE. + + "Et longa canoros + Dant per colla modos."--VIRGIL. + +III.--FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD. + +"Gaiter.--A covering for the leg."--ENGLISH DICTIONARY. + +IV.--FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD WEATHER. + +"They also serve who only stand and wait."--MILTON. + + * * * * * + +AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.--Hair PADDY REWSKI is a pianofortist up to the +time and tune of day. Knowing that _L'Enfant Prodigue_ is now all +the go, he keeps himself up to date by performing the Musical Prodigy +Son's, I mean MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so +effectively, that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and +much obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played +_La Campanella_, Which I prefer to _Gentle Zitella_, The Princess +LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was really looking uncommonly well +considering the heat. Bravo, PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_By Our Own Grandolph._) + +(FIRST LETTER--A.) + +1.--_From Paddington to the first comma is a comparatively slight +stop._ + +Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train started +from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless ideas are +suggested by this title, &c., &c. (_This part I'll send to Daily +Graphic._) + +REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY. + +Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. That's +enough. "_Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais_ as MARLBROOK Junior I +may say, "_Je reviendrai."_ Politics to the winds! or, colloquially, +Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, +TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & +Co." + +[Illustration] + +THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY. + +Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A BALFOUR--beg +pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR--and DRUMMY WOLFFY, and _De_ GORSTIBUS +_non disputandum_ ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a +quartette, though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a +concerted piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now--"Where am dat +barty now?"--I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting correctly is +not my _forte_. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; he was the "barty" of our +party, in the merry days of old. Now--none of 'em here, and I with +my ink-stand before me, a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any +amount of foolscap, represent "the composition" of our party. I must +get on with my "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This +is a holiday task. One, two, three, off!--and away! + +ALL ABROAD. + +Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left London, and are +at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS suggests these lines, to +which I append my own translation. BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin +at Eton (I hear by private wire that he admitted as much in his recent +speech at the fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, +couldn't give the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's +reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't looking:-- + + "Ille terrarum mihi præter omnes + Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto + Melle decedunt, viridique certat + Bacca Venafro. + + "Vir ubi longum tepidusque præbet + Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon, + Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis + Invidet uvis." + +Which translated means:-- + +He, the Englishman (_Angulus_), beside me (that is, "sitting on deck +by my side") laughs at all people on shore when he is quite certain +(_certat_) that he can't get good tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local +tobacconist). (This) man prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so +soon hot, for, by Jove, you'll burn yourself (_brumas_), and being +a friend of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who +can smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for +Falernian (_classic metaphor for Cape wine_). + +I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give BALFOUR +(the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a steerer) a mile +over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him easily. + +WHERE ARE WE NOW? + +[Illustration: The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira.] + +_En route_, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in amiable +temper--not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. Chatsworth not in it +with the smallest flower-and-kitchen garden here. Dined at the +"Brag"--short for Braganza. Suddenly inspired--wrote drinking song:-- + + _Sancho Panza_ + At Braganza, + Quaffed no end of cup, + But _Don Quixit_ + Said "Don't mix it-- + Let us go and sup." + +Have composed my own music to this--call it my musical cup-yright. +Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other rates at sea, except +pi-rates, and the rate we're now going at--i.e., two knots an hour, +and ties pay the dealer. Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after +the above symposium, carried round the town to the air of "_Please +to Remember_," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything too previous +here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's nowhere, except in +some other places. This is the meteorological or illogical rule, the +"_Summa Lex_." Look at my bearers! These are heads of the people, +eh? Carried round town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I +_now_ look upon as my native place, or _the land of my berth!_ + +"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!" + +[Illustration] + +Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, was a +worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned by the poet +as having done so; you remember-- + + "Hope told a flattering tale;" + +but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY were here, +and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate place to pick up +health. Every morning I climb the maintop-gallant, plunge into the +ocean, and out again in the blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, +grapple with fresh lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he +knows where he is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. +Excellent lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and +boiled! Such a breakfast! + +QUITE A TROPICAL SONG! + +Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" magnificent! +Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's fine. Splendid +specimen of the "Boot-tree" (_Arbor tegumenpedis_), and the quaint +"Blacking-Brush Plant," which is its invariable companion. No time to +spare, however--off again to the _Grantully Castle_, with pockets full +of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit on them in boat. +Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit squash in your tail-coat +pocket not so refreshing. + +CAPERING. + +There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give you my +word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but saw most of +'em through telescope before landing. There's an old Town House and +a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; Museum, Library, with +Manuscripts badly illuminated before the discovery of gas; and as good +a glass of Port (called here "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH +MARTIN, who first took to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) +as you'd wish to get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for +halfpence in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral +wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined them, +and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something +in South-African, which the street Arabs here speak to perfection, and +which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on CECIL, +the Colossus of Rhodes, but he was absent at the time. Fine place, the +Cape. "Why," I asked myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, +Herne Bay, and even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside +place as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it +before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, they +_won't strike out a line of their own_. [N.B.--I must beg the Editor, +when he gets this, not to strike out any line of mine, _as it's +business_, and means advertisement.] + +THE ODD TREK. + +[Illustration] + +Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, and beat +him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness; but at game +No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a "trek" worth any three of +his. He wanted to go about with me after this, but he became such a +Boer (that's the origin of our word at home signifying "nuisance") +that I cut him, and his pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch +races. Shall pick up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not +writing any more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the +_Daily Graphic_, besides cramming and reading up for it far more than +ever I did at Oxford. However, the _jeu d'esprit_ is well worth the +_chandelle_. You don't want much about local politics--do you? If +so, wire's the word, and I'm there. Looking forward to see +_What-can-the-Matter-be-Land_, also SAM BEST, and other old friends, +with whose names, at least, the papers have already made you familiar. +Must be off now, as I've an interview with the High Commissioner, who +does all my business for me at the native races. Obliged to give him +twenty per cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason +why he has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly +enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per cent. +on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." Newmarket not +in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, adoo!" Mind you, +I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out +here, "White to win in a few moves," [to which I shall soon be able +to put you up], and "Black not to win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry +work, scribbling; but luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious +fruit can be had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use +the information, if he likes, till I return. _Au revoir!_ Yours ever, + +[Illustration: Transcriber's Note: "Grandolph, the Explorer." +rendered in script.] + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--AUTHORSHIP.--I should be glad to know the name of +a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for £1000 a +first-rate Sensational Novel? I have only written one chapter so +far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and +energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a +small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT £5000 for +_Middlemarch?_ I should like to go to them.--NO JUGGINS. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June._--We had an immense meeting here last +night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to +got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse +or other, and we had to content ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an +Undersecretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. +VULLIAMY came too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being +offended at what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale +illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a gentle +protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me +to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was considerable +difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, +so as not to leave any of the important local chiefs out of +the proceedings. First of all TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the +proceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty's +Government, proposed by Colonel CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To +this CARDEW responded. + +[Illustration: Free and Independent Elector.] + +Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, +to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY DIKES proposed a vote of +thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by BLISSOP, and after a +few cordial words from TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the +whole, everything went off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a +masterpiece. He said:-- + +"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private +concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have had +an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I +have known him for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more +and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in +political matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, +and his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a +brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But what +chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable +uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and +determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it +will be kept free from all personal bitterness, and will be conducted +in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute +and scrupulous legality of everything that may be done. The conscience +of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its +suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice +to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, +and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the +greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury +to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain +to approach." + +This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had followed +his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But the cheers +that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthusiastic coming +from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with +VULLIAMY'S suggestions. + +_Wednesday, June 4th._--The _Meteor_ is furious about our meeting +yesterday. It says, in a leader:--"Do these gentlemen suppose that the +froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is +likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in which +the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have +nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his youth, +combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely +disqualifies him for the responsible post to which his foolish +ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid +imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the +Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to speak in +public; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, +do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the +sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice in no +unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it." + +The _Guardian_ is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, "has it been +our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our cause expounded with +an eloquence so convincing. Mr. CARDEW spoke, as he always does, with +that sturdy good sense which has not only made him a redoubtable foe +in the House of Commons, but has endeared his name to the masses of +the English people. Mr. VULLIAMY again showed himself a master of the +great questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while +he contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with the +wise, but generous economies, established by those who now hold the +reins of Government. Our popular and eloquent young Candidate, Mr. +PATTLE, showed himself not unworthy to take his place side by side +with the two great men we have mentioned upon the Government benches. +Rarely has any meeting displayed greater enthusiasm and unanimity. Our +wretched opponents may well hide their diminished heads. Another nail +has been struck into the coffin of the CHUBSONS, and the rest of the +gang whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the last +election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury politics. They +have earned their doom. _Sic semper tyrannis!_" + +There's a curious paragraph in a little weekly sort of Society rag +published in Billsbury. It says:--"Mr. PATTLE has prolonged his stay +in Billsbury for some time. Can it _all_ be politics? I say nothing. +But others have been heard to whisper nothings which are sweet. +What price bonnets?" I suppose the idiot means to hint that there's +something between me and Miss PENFOLD? Hope MARY won't hear of this +rubbish. + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +NO. XXVI.--THE LADY SHOPKEEPER. + +Ladies who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, or to +counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves to the +keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing body. In times +so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory of a juvenile dowager, +it was held by the high dry exponents of aristocratic privilege that +to touch trade, even when it proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved +hand, was to be defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian +Duchess. To be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors +contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of nobility +sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it upon a commercial +foundation, and cementing it with the dower of a "tradesman's" +daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose exclusive dust has long +since been consigned to family vaults with appropriate inscriptions, +could have foreseen the dreadful inroads of the trading spirit, if +in a moment of prophetic rapture they could have watched the painful +decay of caste which permits a lady to dabble in bonnets, to toy with +the making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a dressmaker, +and, horror of horrors, to send in bills to her customers, surely +they would have refrained from the tomb in order to stem the tide of +advancing demoralisation. But they are dead, and we who remain are +left to deal as best we may with the uncompromising spirit of the age. + +[Illustration] + +It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a Lady +Shopkeeper that she should have been at one time both affluent and +socially distinguished. If to these qualities she can add the supreme +advantage of good looks and a modest demeanour, her career is certain +to be a prosperous and a rapid one. If, finally, she has been mated +to a husband who, having long ago spent his own cash, contrives in +a short time to run a best on record through hers, if he is a good +fellow of a sort, with a capacity for making friends which is as large +as his generosity in staking money, she may be sure that no element +will be wanting to her success. It is of course unnecessary that she +should have served any apprenticeship to the trade that she ultimately +adopts. When, after some glittering seasons of horses and footmen +and brilliant parties, the crash comes upon the little household, her +friends will be called into council. Some will recommend a retired +life in a distant suburb, where it is currently reported that £250 a +year may be made to play the part of £2,000 in the heart of May Fair. +Others will hint that governesses have been known, after years of +painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a short old age; others, +again, will dive into the storehouse of their reminiscences, in order +to produce for inspection the well-known example of a colonel and +his wife, who defied both the fates and the rheumatism in the modest +_pension_ of a Continental watering-place. All these suggestions, +however, are eventually put aside in favour of the advice that a +shop should be started, a _nom de commerce_ adopted, and a circle of +friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertisement. After these +matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes necessary +to determine to what special branch the talents of the prospective +Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this is accomplished, +and in a few months more the world of fashion may learn by private +circular or public paragraph, that a new competitor for its favours +has been launched into commercial activity under a sweetly symbolical +name. + +After this everything depends upon the Lady herself. At first +everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round her, and she +may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that the staunchest and +truest are those of whom, in her days of brilliant prosperity, she +thought the least. But a _succès d'estime_ is soon exhausted. Unless +she conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her +goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends in her +accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after their payment, +her customers and her profits will fall away. But if she attends +strictly to business herself, or engages a good business woman to +assist her, and orders her affairs in accordance with the dictates of +a proper self-interest, she is almost certain to do well, and to reap +the reward of those who face the world without flinching, and fight +the battle of life sturdily and with an honest purpose. Some painful +moments may fall to her lot. It may be that in a crowded assemblage +of wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the +dress-making art, torn into shreds under the clumsy heel of a Cabinet +Minister, or a Duchess may speak unkindly in her hearing of her latest +devices in floral decoration. Or, some brainless nincompoop may, +in his ignorance of her profession, cast aspersions on the general +character and behaviour of all who keep shops. And it may be that +friends, after a prolonged period of non-payment, will desert her, and +speak ill of her business. But she will be able to console herself for +those and similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the +world honours those who battle against ill-fortune without complaint +far above the needy crowd of spongers who strive to batten without +effort on the crumbs that fall from the tables of the rich. + + * * * * * + + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S VISIT TO THE CITY. + +[Illustration] + +Well, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in the old +Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which this year +happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to receive to Lunshon, +quite in a frendly way, the Hemperer and the Hempress of all GERMANY, +not forgitting Hellygoland which we so kindly guv 'em larst year, and, +in addishun, about twenty other princes and princesses from differing +forren parts, as has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do +'em honour, and as if that wasn't quite enuff for one day, the noble +Prince of WHALES, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the +Royal Family, will be werry much "hall there" for to receeve 'em and +shew 'em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the butiful Gildhall +made into a bower of roses, and covered with reel dammarsk tablecloths +from top to bottom, and them all covered with such a fairy-like +Lunshon as makes my pore old mouth water ony jest to think upon! +There's one thing as I'm afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be +werry angry at, and that is, as they ain't a going for to make him +free of the Citty, which is one of them grate honners as all the +celibryties of the World pines for. BROWN says it ain't _commy fo_, as +the French says, but BROWN don't know everythink, tho' he is a trying +his werry best to learn a few German words in case the Hemperer asks +him for sumthink to eat, such as a little sour krowt. The best of the +fun is that he acshally spells sour, _sauer!_ I ain't not a pertickler +good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of sich a +blunder as that. + +The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for to look +jest a little pail and worryed--and who can wunder at it, for I'm told +as they is amost torn to peaces with applications for Tickets, tho +they ony has two a-peace for their friends, and won't have one for +theirselves, but will have to walk about all the time of the +Lunch, with their long sticks of office, to see as ewerybody xcept +theirselves is nice and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. +And, torking of drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore +fellers! who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in +the Citty, to taste all their werry best wines, and decide which, +of every kind and description, they shall select for their himperial +royal gests. Why it's amost enuff to give 'em all hedakes for the rest +of their nateral lives. + +I don't know of any further arrangements as is quite finally settled, +so praps I may have jest a few lines to add nex week. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--A FIRST READING.--Would some person kindly inform +me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert? I have been asked to +recite "something telling" after the annual banquet of a Club of local +Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of _Paradise +Lost_. Or would parts of _The Excursion_ be more likely to create +a _furore_? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather +doubtful of my ability to "hold" the Victuallers.--WILLING TO OBLIGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENTLE SATIRE. + +"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE DILEMMA." + +(_An old Irish Story newly applied._) + + ["On which horn of the dilemma will the Gladstonians elect + to stand?"--_Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir + W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstonian + programme._] + +_Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur_:-- + + Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is _the_ thing + To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic. + I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting, + The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic. + Remember a picture I once chanced to see, + A Pompeian sentinel posed at a portal, + And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. That's Me! + As my country's defender, my fame is immortal. + + Yes, the Sentinel's _rôle_ suits my style passing well; + The enemy won't find me napping or nodding. + But what I _most_ like as I do sentry spell, + Is the fine opportunity offered for--prodding! + I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do, + With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup; + But when there's a chance for 'a thrust--whirraroo! + My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up! + JOE, the Sentry, you know, like _Joe Bagstock_, is sly, + Ay, "devilish sly,"--if I may speak profanely. + That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering there--why, + The big burly Bobadil's acting insanely. + I _do_ like to draw him. These ramparts are mine, + But because we're old comrades he cheeks me. "Woa, EMMA!" + As cads used to shout. I extremely incline + To tickle him up with--a two-horned Dilemma! + + "Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out there + With a--Snark; 'tis a Boojum which shortly may vanish. + Like _Frankenstein's_, his is a Monster, I fear, + He would--did he dare--be delighted to banish. + That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems + A "handful" with which you are destined to struggle, + Which darkens your days as it haunts all your dreams; + Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle. + + _You've got him, you say?_ Well, then, bring him along! + Ha! ha! Says _"he can't!"_ That's exceedingly funny! + It _is_ very hard when your "captive"'s so strong, + He won't do your bidding for love or for money. + Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance. + Like PAT'S prisoner--all know the old Irish story-- + He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance. + Such "prisoners" _do_ mar their conqueror's glory. + + _"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on alone!"_-- + Eh! "Captive won't _let_ you?" That's just what I told you! + Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown; + He's got _you_, my friend, and, my faith, he will _hold_ you. + 'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again, + Only you're the true PAT. You can't take it _or_ leave it. + Your triumph was futile, your struggles are vain; + Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot deceive it. + +[_Left chortling, but still "on duty."_ + + * * * * * + +"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"-- SUCCESSION? + +"Supply--Army Estimates." + + General FRASER--not a _phraser_ clearly-- + Military grumbling vents sincerely; + House won't listen, and the cruel _Times_ + Summarised his tale of woes and crimes, + As--great CÆSAR!--"a few observations." + TANNER, always great on such occasions, + Intimates that it is his impression + Soldiers are "succeeding in succession" + In the interest of more Expense. + Well, "economists" make stir immense, + But in spite of most Draconic manner, + Hardly ever seem to _save_--a "tanner." + So that one is prone to think indeed, + In succession they do _not_--"succeed!" + + * * * * * + +"A LEGGE UP."--The new Bishop of LICHFIELD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE DILEMMA." + +(_NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY_.) + +H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT HE _WON'T COME!_" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT _HE WON'T LET ME!!!_"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +DILATORY DINNERS. + +SCENE--_The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular +evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrangements, +and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently +strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and +youthful Guest._ + +_The Egotistic Amphitryon_ (_concluding an harangue_). Well, all +_I_'ve got to say is I've been here half-an-hour--(_with a bitter +sense of the anomaly of the situation_)--waiting about for _You!!_ +(_They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the +verandah._) Oh, you're going to sit _that_ side, are you? It's all the +same to me, except that there's a confounded draught here which--well, +you're young, and these things don't affect you--or oughtn't to. +(_They exchange sides._) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we +mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly +told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter _presents a carte, and +stands by with a proud humility._) Now, what are you going to have? +(_To_ Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care +what he eats--he _ought_ to care, he _must_ care. What do you say +to this--"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise; +Brimborions de veau farcis à l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New +Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (_To_ Waiter.) Let us +have that as sharp as you can; do you hear? + +[Illustration] + +_Waiter_. Quick? Yes, I dell zem. [_He hurries off._ + +_The E.A._ Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! (_To_ Guest.) +What will you drink? + +_The Guest_ (_thinks it will look greedy if he suggests champagne_). +Oh--er--whatever _you're_ going to drink. + +_The E.A._ Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want +it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (_considerately_), say +so. (_The_ Guest, _in a spirit of propitiation, prefers beer._) Well, +we could have managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never +so good to my mind in the pints--but please yourself, of course. +[_The_ Guest _feels that his moderation has missed fire, but dares +not retract; they sit in silence for some time, without anything of +importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and +carries away their bread-basket._ + +_A Meek Man_ (_at an adjoining table, who, probably for family +reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline +nose and remarkably thick eyebrows._) You know, HORATIA, I call this +sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air, +eh? [_He rubs his hands under the table._ + +_Horatia_ (_acidly_). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when we _do_ have it. At +present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but +fresh air and small flies, and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon +myself, why-- [_She fans herself vigorously._ + +_Augustus_. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trout +_en papillotes_ might take some little time. I suppose (_with mild +Jocularity_)--it's a fashionable fish--wants to come in with a "little +head sunning over with curls," as the poet says. + +_Horatia_. Please don't make jokes of that sort--unless you wish to +destroy the little appetite I have left! + +_Augustus_ (_penitently_). Never mind--I won't do it again. Here 's +our Waiter at last. _Now_ we're all right! [_The_ Waiter _puts a dish +down upon another table, and advances with the air of a family friend +who brings bad tidings._ + +_Horatia_. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once? + +_The Waiter_ (_bending down to_ AUGUSTUS _with pity and sympathy_). +Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting, +bot (_thinks how he can break it most gently_) ve haf zo many beople +hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more +drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay! + +_Augustus_ (_mildly_). No, of course not--well, let me see, now, what +can you--? + +_The E.A._ Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? What the-- + +_Waiter_ (_to_ AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (_To_ +E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes? + +_The E.A._ (_exploding_). My bill! Confound it! I want something to +eat first. When is that Bisque coming? + +_Waiter_. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your +Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [_He goes._ + +_Horatia_. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I +suppose you mean to do _something_, AUGUSTUS? + +_Augustus_. Of course--certainly. I shall speak very strongly. +(_Bleating_.) Waiter! + +_Horatia_ (_with scorn_). _Do_ you imagine they will pay the least +attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Lot them see you _insist_ +upon being obeyed. + +_Augustus_. I am--I mean, I will--I am very much annoyed. +(_Fiercely_.) Wa-ai-ter! + +_A Stern Waiter_ (_appearing suddenly_.) You vant somsing, Sir? + +_Augustus_ (_apologetically_). Yes; we should--er--like something to +eat--anything--so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't mind. +"We--this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time +already, you see. + +_The Waiter_. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your +Vaiter. [_He vanishes._ + +_The E.A_. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at +last! (_A_ Waiter _appears with a tureen, which he uncovers._) Here, +what do you call _this?_ + +_Waiter_. Groûte au Bot--you order him, yes? No? I dake him away! [_He +whisks it away, to the chagrin of_ Guest, _who thought it smelt nice._ + +The E.A_. I ordered Bisque--where is it? and I want some wine, too--a +pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they're not here very soon, +I'll-- + +_The Guest_ (_trying to make the best of things_). Nothing for it but +patience, I suppose. + +_The E.A._ (_with intention_). I had very little of _that_ left before +I sat down, I can tell you! + +_A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner._ Waiter, could you spare me one +moment of your valuable time? (_The_ Waiter _halts irresolutely._) It +is so long since I had the pleasure of speaking to you, that you may +possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I +ventured to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de terre +with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea how much +longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime +enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the +favour of a penny roll, if I am not trespassing too much upon your +good-nature? [_The_ Waiter, _in a state of extreme mystification and +alarm, departs to inform the_ Manager. + +_The E.A.'s Waiter_ (_reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne +bottle and glass of lager._) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you +zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson. [_He bows with +well-bred concern._ + +_The E.A_. Confound it all! (_To_ Guest.) Here, _you'd_ better take +this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? Well, Bisque _is_ apt to +disagree with some people. (_To_ Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring +this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (_He +busies himself with his Bisque, while the_ Guest, _in pure absence +of mind, drinks the champagne with which the_ Waiter _has filled his +glass._) Here, what are you doing? _I_ didn't order lager. (_Perceives +the mistake_.) Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (_To_ Guest.) +All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. +(_To_ W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager stuff away. +(_Exit_ W.; _the unfortunate_ Guest, _in attempting to pass the +bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup._) Hullo, what +the--there--(_controlling himself_). You might have left me the +_soup_, at all events! Well--well--it's no use saying any more about +it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day. + +[_General tumult from several tables; appeals to the_ Waiters, _who +lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue_; +HORATIA _threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at +a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; +explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous production +of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes +in._ + +N.B.--_Mr. Punch_ wishes it to be understood that the above sketch +is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular +restaurants existing at present in either exhibition. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND MILITARY.--"Ancient Lights."--Retired Lancers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.] + + * * * * * + +MEDICINAL MUSIC. + +(_A Growl from a "Quiet Street."_) + + ["There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon + a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in + cases of mental and bodily disease."--_Daily Telegraph_.] + + Curative Music? Just as well expect + An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon! + Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect + Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ; + A febrifuge in a flat German Band, + A prophylactic in a street-piano! + Some quackery a man _can_ understand, + But Music I'll _not_ take, even _cum grano_. + I don't believe what classic noodles say, + That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES; + That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play + From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses. + I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls + Were twangled into place by young Amphion. + Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls? + Not _mine_, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion. + Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs--_all_ are bad. + And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity. + Stop, though! _I_'m sane, and they just drive me mad; + So Music _may_ drive _idiots_ into sanity! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A SMOKING CONCERT. + +_Distinguished Amateur_ (_with good Method but small Voice, suddenly +jumping up from Piano_). "LOOK HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD +FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!" + +_Algy_. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN--AWFULLY SORRY--DIDN'T KNOW YOU _WERE_ +SINGING, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23_, 12'15 A.M.--House just +adjourned; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous +danger. Been at it through greater part of night debating Second +Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech +of fiery eloquence. The SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to +J.A.P. without an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his +voice and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, +as ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy +supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The SQUIRE, though +not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear a rival in the +oratorical field. Had things turned out differently to-night, he might +have enjoyed the advantage of addressing House at this favourable +hour, whilst its withers were yet unwrung. + +[Illustration: Sir Algernon.] + +But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's strategy for +nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education Bill appeared on the +paper, he romped in, and put down Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't +mean to move it; doesn't move it; but he gets first place in principal +Debate of Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous +argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration. + +It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident +arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CRANBORNE suddenly +got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. had bowled him and others +over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, +and the HOPE of HATFIELD determined he would collar that. Had the +Motion for Adjournment been accepted, he would, in accordance with +usage, have opened the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, +and in the mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of +an hour. + +"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech." + +All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest withal; not the +person to argue with his pastors and masters. So resumed his seat. If +they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak through the +quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listening Senate and +the waiting world would never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As +the SPEAKER gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he +had exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his thesis +at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate +without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak +now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the Debate was concerned. +This was awkward; but no help for it; so CRANBORNE plunged in and +talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done_.--Second Reading of Education Bill moved. + +_Tuesday_.--Another night with Education Bill. Position rather +peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation +of the measure; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the +infant slumbers gives it a sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist +gets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which +Conservatives been led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night +made capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly declares +his regret that good Tories should be asked to support principles +which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed at General +Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and persuasively attempts to stem +this growing torrent of discontent. "The change of opinion on this +side of the House," he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, +clutching at an imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an +impalpable brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times +have altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"--and here ADDISON, +like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,--"to adapt +themselves to the necessities of the case." + +JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind ADDISON, had +no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years I've sat in this +House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that time have seen measures +which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to +denounce, cordially received by our Leaders and passed into law. For +my part, I cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might +eat of it now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, +it becomes a little monotonous." + +OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone off, +and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Street, find +written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten Minutes." That's +all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD +MORALITY comes not. But he sometimes communicates with his most +intimate friends. Have this morning a note from him. + +"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find you well +as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in +pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance to be just now. Some +people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the +merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in charge of the Free Education Bill +is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a commencement. +Now I've started I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse +my not mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, +I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and Country, +and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they may sit. If you want to write to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, +England.' I have reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of +the Post Office under the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the +missive thus directed will not fail to reach its destination." + +_Business done_.--On Second Reading of Education Bill. + +_Thursday_.--An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When +he was here, we used to call him LONG LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her +MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must behave to him as such. + +"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as friendly as if he +were still at the Bar. + +"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a Parliamentary Hand to +be inveigled into familiarity by his unassuming manner. + +Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the +learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called +in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. is absent on sick +leave--not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have +it. OLD MORALITY back to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final +effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also +absent; news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic +accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" from +Brighton to Steyning. + +"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had been +committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the +one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade +pursuit." + +[Illustration: Long Lawrence.] + +At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. +Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail: "The +ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL drove away in the +direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the whip and reins." + +"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She always takes +the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the trick's done." + +SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the +Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, +and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end. + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read Second +Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of +honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. DERBY brought +down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst +ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY seized opportunity to read his speech +over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly carried out +intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages +in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, +who sat near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he +whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and JOAN, +you know; but won't do here." + +DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn came, +when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud. + +_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health Bill in +Commons. + + * * * * * + +MISS NOMER. + +[Illustration: Tree in _Hamlet_.] + +Now why was _The Dancing Girl_ ever called _The Dancing Girl_ at +all? As a matter of fact she never did dance, and from last week's +advertisements we find that she has been "running" ever since her +first appearance. Now she's off for another run in the provinces, and +then back again. Quite a theatrical illustration of the sporting term +"running in and out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces +he is to appear as the _Prince of Denmark_. + + * * * * * + +THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY. + +(_Arranged in Question and Answer Form._) + +_Question_. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army +(especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who +obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing? + +_Answer_. Indeed you may. + +_Q._ And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the +scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the "Sappers") +were rather looked down upon than otherwise? + +_A._ Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, +and not through money-bags. + +_Q._ And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establishment has +been reduced from 275 to 68? + +_A._ A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain number +of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down +from the left shoulder. + +_Q._ Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause you +also considerable loss? + +_A._ Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose that +once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing +he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentleman. + +_Q._ Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be +called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces? + +_A._ Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified. + +_Q._ And do you not object to your condition generally? + +_A._ Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is _the_ burning +one of the hour! + +_Q._ And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of +the Army? + +_A_. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely +the consideration of the Authorities! + + * * * * * + +THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS. + +To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or +"_Plunketto_," as the name appears in the opera of _Marta_-- + +_Whether_ there cannot be some improvement made in that Despondent +Slough known as Rotten Row? + +[Illustration] + +_Whether_ Kensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their +charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two +good rides right across, and a few intersecting bridle-paths, after +the fashion of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of +the Row, which is getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and +more and more crowded every summer? + +_Whether_, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something +cannot be done in time for the season of 1892? + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. July 4, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13563 *** diff --git a/13563-h/13563-h.htm b/13563-h/13563-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a13667 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/13563-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1974 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 4, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + p { + text-align : justify; + } + blockquote { + text-align : justify; + } + h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 { + text-align : center; + } + pre { + font-size : 0.7em; + } + hr { + text-align : center; + width : 50%; + } + html > body hr { + margin-right : 25%; + margin-left : 25%; + width : 50%; + } + hr.full { + width : 100%; + } + html > body hr.full { + margin-right : 0%; + margin-left : 0%; + width : 100%; + } + hr.short { + text-align : center; + width : 20%; + } + html > body hr.short { + margin-right : 40%; + margin-left : 40%; + width : 20%; + } + .author { + text-align : right; + margin-right : 5%; + margin-top : 0em; + } + .bracket { + margin-left : 10%; + text-indent : -2em; + } + .center { + text-align : center; + } + .note { + margin-left : 10%; + margin-right : 10%; + font-size : 0.9em; + } + .scene { + margin-left : 5%; + text-indent : -1.5em; + } + span.pagenum { + position : absolute; + left : 1%; + right : 91%; + font-size : 8pt; + } + .poem { + margin-left : 10%; + margin-right : 10%; + margin-bottom : 1em; + text-align : left; + } + .poem .stanza { + margin : 1em 0; + } + .poem p { + margin : 0; + padding-left : 3em; + text-indent : -3em; + } + .poem p.i2 { + margin-left : 1em; + } + .poem p.i4 { + margin-left : 2em; + } + .poem p.i6 { + margin-left : 3em; + } + .poem p.i8 { + margin-left : 4em; + } + .poem p.i10 { + margin-left : 5em; + } + .poem p.i16 { + margin-left : 8em; + } + .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft { + padding : 1em; + margin : 0; + text-align : center; + font-size : 0.8em; + } + .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img { + border : none; + } + .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p { + margin : 0; + text-indent : 1em; + } + .figcenter { + margin : auto; + } + .figright { + float : right; + } + .figleft { + float : left; + } + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13563 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 4, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/001.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/001.png" + alt="Volume 101" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>URBI ET ORBI.</h3> + + <p>Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory + congratulations on the occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this + opportunity of informing his friends—which means + Everybody Everywhere—that the 50th anniversary of his + natal day is July 18 <i>prox.</i>, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby + gives full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone + Everywhere to keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, + and to the utmost of their ability, just exactly what best + pleases them.</p> + + <p class="author">PUNCH.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE CHANTREY BEQUEST À LA MODE DE LISLE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to + veto any pictures purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that + did not meet with their approval."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="scene">SCENE—<i>A Studio in the Royal Academy. + The</i> President <i>and several</i> Members of the Council + <i>waiting arrival of Government to inspect their most recent + purchase.</i></p> + + <p><i>President</i> (<i>with assumed joviality</i>). Well, my + dear Colleagues, I do not think exception <i>can</i> be taken + to this composition. Simple and effective, is it not?</p> + + <p><i>First Member of Council</i> (<i>gloomily</i>). Oh, you + never know! I think we ought to have opposed the admission of + the Cabinet—what should <i>they</i> know about Art?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem</i>. (<i>drily</i>). Enough to make speeches + at the annual dinner—to which they wouldn't come if we + snubbed them.</p> + + <p><i>First Mem</i>. What of that? I am sure the President is + quite eloquent enough to stand alone.</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>with a graceful bow</i>). You are most + kind. But, hush! here comes Lord SALISBURY!</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Enter the</i> PRIME MINISTER. <i>Cordial + greetings.</i></p> + + <p><i>Premier</i> (<i>briskly</i>). I am sure you will forgive + me if I get through this quickly. (<i>Looking at picture.</i>) + Hm! Yes, very nice; but <i>did</i> EDWARD the Black Prince wear + his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure I refrain from appearing + in mine under similar circumstances. (<i>To</i> Pres.) Do you + think the Artist could paint it out?</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. I feel sure he will do everything in his power + to satisfy your Lordship's artistic instincts.</p> + + <p><i>Premier</i>. Just so.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Exit</i> R. <i>when enter</i> FIRST LORD + of the TREASURY, L.</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>greeting new-comer cordially</i>). Most + glad to see you, my dear Right Hon. Sir!</p> + + <p><i>First Lord</i>. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am + always anxious to do my duty to my Queen and Country. + (<i>Gazing at picture.</i>) Hm! Not bad! But, I say, I do know + something of yachting, and that isn't the way to brace up the + marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main jibboom three + points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture a + suggestion—hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! + A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will + think of the matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice <i>is</i> + a little superfluous. Why here is the HOME SECRETARY.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Enter that august personage—mutual + greeting.</i></p> + + <p><i>Home Sec</i>. (<i>examining picture</i>). Yes, very nice. + Just my idea of what a historical picture <i>should</i> be! + Sea-view very fair indeed, and I think that the suggestion of + the presentation at Court is also extremely neat. The Black + Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER CROMWELL, but then that + is a detail that will not challenge particular attention. I + like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens—very good, indeed! + But why should a scene of this great historical importance be + laid in Charing Cross during a labour demonstration?</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>frankly</i>). I cannot say that I have + looked up all my authorities, but I do not think our friend + would allow himself to be wrong on so important a point.</p> + + <p><i>Home Sec</i>. Well, I think it would be in better taste + if the Artist cut out that stampede of police—it is not + true to nature! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. There <i>may</i> be something in what he says, + but I do wish these amateurs would keep their suggestions to + themselves.</p> + + <p class="bracket"><i>Enter</i> FIRST LORD of the + ADMIRALTY.</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>cordially</i>). My dear Lord, delighted to + see you—what do you think of it?</p> + + <p><i>First Lord</i>. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right + has the Artist to put the white ensign on the top of that + light-house? It's against the regulations—they should be + flying the Trinity House flag—if anything. That + <i>must</i> come out, you know—it really must! + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. + Ah! the Secretary of State for War! (<i>Enter that + official</i>) Well, Mr. STANHOPE, and how do <i>you</i> like + the new purchase?</p> + + <p><i>War Minister</i> (<i>after, a glance at the canvas</i>). + Tol lol. But come, I say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat + like <i>that</i>! And, I say, as it isn't raining, why has he + put up his umbrella? In the cause of historical accuracy that + should not be allowed. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>drily</i>). I am afraid our friend will + have enough to do. (<i>Enter the remainder of the Cabinet + together</i>). Well, Gentlemen—hope you approve of our + purchase?</p> + + <p><i>Remainder</i> (<i>together</i>). Not at all. You should + have only bought the frame! [<i>Scene closes + in on the consideration of this new point.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/002-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/002-1.png" + alt="'MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS.'" /></a> + + <h3>"MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS."</h3>CHELSEA, JUNE, 1891. + FOUR BELL(E)S. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">[<i>Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King + HENRY'S "holy shade" on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of + the Foundation of Eton College.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To <i>Mr. Punch's</i> friends, who think he + blundered,</p> + + <p>In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred,</p> + + <p>And acted quite in error when he paid</p> + + <p>Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade,"</p> + + <p>A word of explanation now is due,</p> + + <p>To show how what he stated then was true.</p> + + <p>The word is this—that fifty years have now</p> + + <p>Elapsed since <i>Mr. Punch</i> first made his + bow;</p> + + <p>And though since then with many friends he's + parted,</p> + + <p>Himself he is as young as when he started.</p> + + <p>Just fifty years ago it now appears</p> + + <p>That fair Etona claimed four hundred years.</p> + + <p>Ungallant it had been if one had told her</p> + + <p>That <i>Mr. Punch</i> kept young whilst she grew + older!</p> + + <p>Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary</p> + + <p>Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY</p> + + <p>Became the founder of a Royal College—</p> + + <p>Well, <i>Mr. Punch</i> prefers to have no + knowledge.</p> + + <p>He only does not know—has never known a</p> + + <p>More worthy toast than "<i>Floreat Etona!</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The New Crusaders.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin + Journal, has given his consent to a lottery being + instituted throughout the Empire 'for combating the slave + trade in Africa.' Tickets to the amount of eight millions + of marks will be issued, five and a half millions of which + will be devoted to prizes."—<i>Daily Telegraph Berlin + Correspondent</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Might learn from WILHELM KAISER.</p> + + <p>They risked their lives in Paynim frays,</p> + + <p class="i2">We moderns have grown wiser.</p> + + <p>'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars</p> + + <p class="i2">To buttress Churches tottery;</p> + + <p>We, with the dice "financing" wars,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conduct Crusades—by Lottery!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>LIVE AND LEARN.—Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit + that the foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a + wheel" may bring the breaker woe.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/002-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/002-2.png" + alt="C-l-n-l N-rth as <i>Falstaff</i>." /> + </a> + + <p>C-l-n-l N-rth as <i>Falstaff</i>.</p> + + <p>L-rd C-l-r-dge as <i>Lord Chief Justice.</i></p> + + <p class="author">Henry the Fourth, Part II., Act ii., + Sc.</p> + </div> + + <p>Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the + architect of his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have + profited much by his architectural knowledge when applied to + house-building. The burly Colonel—we forget at this + moment what regiment is under his distinguished + command—has met many a great personage in his time, but, + like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian + Archbishop for the first time—St. Ambrose, we rather + think it was, but no matter—our bold Colonel had to climb + down a bit on coming face to face with the Lord Chief Justice + of England. What a cast for a scene out of <i>Henry the Fourth! + Falstaff</i>, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord COLERIDGE for the + <i>Lord Chief Justice</i>. The scene might be Part II., Act + ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to <i>Sir John</i>, "You + speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of + your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"—only for + "woman," read "architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE + should be the pre-surname of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. + What's in a name? Yet there's a good deal in the sound and look + of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up before the Lord Chief, who + must quite recently have got hold of quite a little library of + useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. NORTH'S money seems + to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that is, the + architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel + Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. + Never mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be + lucky.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK.</h3> + + <h4>I.—FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'How mad and bad and sad it was—</p> + + <p>But then, how it was sweet!"—BROWNING.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>II.—FOR MR. GLADSTONE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">"Et longa canoros</p> + + <p>Dant per colla modos."—VIRGIL.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>III.—FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD.</h4> + + <p>"Gaiter.—A covering for the leg."—ENGLISH + DICTIONARY.</p> + + <h4>IV.—FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD + WEATHER.</h4> + + <p>"They also serve who only stand and wait."—MILTON.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.—Hair PADDY REWSKI is a + pianofortist up to the time and tune of day. Knowing that + <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i> is now all the go, he keeps himself up + to date by performing the Musical Prodigy Son's, I mean + MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so effectively, + that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and much + obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played + <i>La Campanella</i>, Which I prefer to <i>Gentle Zitella</i>, + The Princess LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was + really looking uncommonly well considering the heat. Bravo, + PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</p> + + <h4>(FIRST LETTER—A.)</h4> + + <p>1.—<i>From Paddington to the first comma is a + comparatively slight stop.</i></p> + + <p>Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train + started from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless + ideas are suggested by this title, &c., &c. (<i>This + part I'll send to Daily Graphic.</i>)</p> + + <h4>REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY.</h4> + + <p>Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. + That's enough. "<i>Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais</i> as + MARLBROOK Junior I may say, "<i>Je reviendrai."</i> Politics to + the winds! or, colloquially, Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM + TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He + is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & Co."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/003-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/003-1.png" + alt="Officer" /></a> + </div> + + <h4>THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY.</h4> + + <p>Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A + BALFOUR—beg pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR—and + DRUMMY WOLFFY, and <i>De</i> GORSTIBUS <i>non disputandum</i> + ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a quartette, + though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a concerted + piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now—"Where am dat + barty now?"—I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting + correctly is not my <i>forte</i>. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; + he was the "barty" of our party, in the merry days of old. + Now—none of 'em here, and I with my ink-stand before me, + a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any amount of foolscap, + represent "the composition" of our party. I must get on with my + "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This is a + holiday task. One, two, three, off!—and away!</p> + + <h4>ALL ABROAD.</h4> + + <p>Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left + London, and are at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS + suggests these lines, to which I append my own translation. + BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin at Eton (I hear by private + wire that he admitted as much in his recent speech at the + fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, couldn't give + the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's + reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't + looking:—</p><br clear="all" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Ille terrarum mihi præter omnes</p> + + <p>Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto</p> + + <p>Melle decedunt, viridique certat</p> + + <p class="i10">Bacca Venafro.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Vir ubi longum tepidusque præbet</p> + + <p>Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon,</p> + + <p>Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis</p> + + <p class="i10">Invidet uvis."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Which translated means:—</p> + + <p>He, the Englishman (<i>Angulus</i>), beside me (that is, + "sitting on deck by my side") laughs at all people on shore + when he is quite certain (<i>certat</i>) that he can't get good + tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local tobacconist). (This) man + prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so soon hot, for, by + Jove, you'll burn yourself (<i>brumas</i>), and being a friend + of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who can + smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for + Falernian (<i>classic metaphor for Cape wine</i>).</p> + + <p>I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give + BALFOUR (the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a + steerer) a mile over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him + easily.</p> + + <h4>WHERE ARE WE NOW?</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/003-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/003-2.png" + alt="The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira." /> + </a>The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira. + </div> + + <p><i>En route</i>, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in + amiable temper—not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. + Chatsworth not in it with the smallest flower-and-kitchen + garden here. Dined at the "Brag"—short for Braganza. + Suddenly inspired—wrote drinking song:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Sancho Panza</i></p> + + <p>At Braganza,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quaffed no end of cup,</p> + + <p>But <i>Don Quixit</i></p> + + <p>Said "Don't mix it—</p> + + <p class="i2">Let us go and sup."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Have composed my own music to this—call it my musical + cup-yright. Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other + rates at sea, except pi-rates, and the rate we're now going + at—i.e., two knots an hour, and ties pay the dealer. + Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after the above symposium, + carried round the town to the air of "<i>Please to + Remember</i>," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything + too previous here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's + nowhere, except in some other places. This is the + meteorological or illogical rule, the "<i>Summa Lex</i>." Look + at my bearers! These are heads of the people, eh? Carried round + town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I <i>now</i> + look upon as my native place, or <i>the land of my + berth!</i></p> + + <h4>"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!"</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/003-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/003-3.png" + alt="ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, + was a worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned + by the poet as having done so; you remember—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Hope told a flattering tale;"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY + were here, and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate + place to pick up health. Every morning I climb the + maintop-gallant, plunge into the ocean, and out again in the + blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, grapple with fresh + lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he knows where he + is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. Excellent + lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and boiled! + Such a breakfast!</p> + + <h4>QUITE A TROPICAL SONG!</h4> + + <p>Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" + magnificent! Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's + fine. Splendid specimen of the "Boot-tree" (<i>Arbor + tegumenpedis</i>), and the quaint "Blacking-Brush Plant," + which is its invariable companion. No time to spare, + however—off again to the <i>Grantully Castle</i>, with + pockets full of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit + on them in boat. Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit + squash in your tail-coat pocket not so + refreshing.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <h4>CAPERING.</h4> + + <p>There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give + you my word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but + saw most of 'em through telescope before landing. There's an + old Town House and a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; + Museum, Library, with Manuscripts badly illuminated before the + discovery of gas; and as good a glass of Port (called here + "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH MARTIN, who first took + to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) as you'd wish to + get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for halfpence + in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral + wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined + them, and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they + said something in South-African, which the street Arabs here + speak to perfection, and which, I fancy, was both flattering + and apologetic. Called on CECIL, the Colossus of Rhodes, but he + was absent at the time. Fine place, the Cape. "Why," I asked + myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, Herne Bay, and + even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside place + as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it + before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, + they <i>won't strike out a line of their own</i>. [N.B.—I + must beg the Editor, when he gets this, not to strike out any + line of mine, <i>as it's business</i>, and means + advertisement.]</p> + + <h4>THE ODD TREK.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/004-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/004-1.png" + alt="Playing Poker" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, + and beat him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of + politeness; but at game No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew + a "trek" worth any three of his. He wanted to go about with me + after this, but he became such a Boer (that's the origin of our + word at home signifying "nuisance") that I cut him, and his + pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch races. Shall pick + up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not writing any + more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the <i>Daily + Graphic</i>, besides cramming and reading up for it far more + than ever I did at Oxford. However, the <i>jeu d'esprit</i> is + well worth the <i>chandelle</i>. You don't want much about + local politics—do you? If so, wire's the word, and I'm + there. Looking forward to see + <i>What-can-the-Matter-be-Land</i>, also SAM BEST, and other + old friends, with whose names, at least, the papers have + already made you familiar. Must be off now, as I've an + interview with the High Commissioner, who does all my business + for me at the native races. Obliged to give him twenty per + cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason why he + has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly + enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per + cent. on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." + Newmarket not in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, + adoo!" Mind you, I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for + all the country out here, "White to win in a few moves," [to + which I shall soon be able to put you up], and "Black not to + win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry work, scribbling; but + luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious fruit can be + had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use the + information, if he likes, till I return. <i>Au revoir!</i> + Yours ever,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/004-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/004-2.png" + alt="'Grandolph, the Explorer.' rendered in script." /> + </a> + </div><br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—AUTHORSHIP.—I should be glad to + know the name of a Publisher of repute who would be likely to + purchase for £1000 a first-rate Sensational Novel? I have + only written one chapter so far, but I have the plot in my + head, and I think a really able and energetic Publisher would + be able to judge of the work from a small specimen. Which was + the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT £5000 for + <i>Middlemarch?</i> I should like to go to them.—NO + JUGGINS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June.</i>—We had an immense + meeting here last night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We + had done our best to got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but + they all had some excuse or other, and we had to content + ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an Undersecretary, is the + next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. VULLIAMY came too. + A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being offended at + what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale + illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a + gentle protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could + to help me to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There + was considerable difficulty, as there always is, in + apportioning the various speeches, so as not to leave any of + the important local chiefs out of the proceedings. First of all + TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the proceedings. Then came a vote + of confidence in Her Majesty's Government, proposed by Colonel + CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To this CARDEW + responded.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/004-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/004-3.png" + alt="Free and Independent Elector." /></a>Free and + Independent Elector. + </div> + + <p>Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of + confidence in me, to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY + DIKES proposed a vote of thanks to the Chairman. This was + seconded by BLISSOP, and after a few cordial words from + TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the whole, everything went + off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a masterpiece. He + said:—</p> + + <p>"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the + private concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous + occasions I have had an opportunity of saying what I think of + your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I have known him for years. Ever + since I first met him, I have been more and more struck by the + extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in political + matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, and + his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a + brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But + what chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the + honourable uprightness of his character. The contest here will + be a fierce and determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a + Candidate as yours, it will be kept free from all personal + bitterness, and will be conducted in such a way that no breath + of suspicion will rest on the absolute and scrupulous legality + of everything that may be done. The conscience of the people + demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its suffrages, + and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice to + see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, + and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England + the greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have + advanced Billsbury to a position of glorious prosperity which + other towns strive in vain to approach."</p> + + <p>This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had + followed his advice, I should have steeped myself in + illegality. But the cheers that greeted the speech were + deafening, the most enthusiastic coming from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, + and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with VULLIAMY'S + suggestions.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 4th.</i>—The <i>Meteor</i> is + furious about our meeting yesterday. It says, in a + leader:—"Do these gentlemen suppose that the froth blown + by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is + likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in + which the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? + We have nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his + youth, combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, + absolutely disqualifies him for the responsible post to which + his foolish ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, + which the vivid imagination of his supporters pictures as + crowding his table in the Temple. Let him join debating + societies, and learn how to speak in public; let him eat, + drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, do anything + except run the head which flattery has turned against the + sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice + in no unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take + it."</p> + + <p>The <i>Guardian</i> is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, + "has it been our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our + cause expounded with an eloquence so convincing. Mr. CARDEW + spoke, as he always does, with that sturdy good sense which has + not only made him a redoubtable foe in the House of Commons, + but has endeared his name to the masses of the English people. + Mr. VULLIAMY again showed himself a master of the great + questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while he + contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with + the wise, but generous economies, established by those who now + hold the reins of Government. Our popular and eloquent young + Candidate, Mr. PATTLE, showed himself not unworthy to take his + place side by side with the two great men we have mentioned + upon the Government benches. Rarely has any + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> meeting displayed greater + enthusiasm and unanimity. Our wretched opponents may well + hide their diminished heads. Another nail has been struck + into the coffin of the CHUBSONS, and the rest of the gang + whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the + last election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury + politics. They have earned their doom. <i>Sic semper + tyrannis!</i>"</p> + + <p>There's a curious paragraph in a little weekly sort of + Society rag published in Billsbury. It says:—"Mr. PATTLE + has prolonged his stay in Billsbury for some time. Can it + <i>all</i> be politics? I say nothing. But others have been + heard to whisper nothings which are sweet. What price bonnets?" + I suppose the idiot means to hint that there's something + between me and Miss PENFOLD? Hope MARY won't hear of this + rubbish.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</p> + + <h4>No. XXVI.—THE LADY SHOPKEEPER.</h4> + + <p>Ladies who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, + or to counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves + to the keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing + body. In times so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory + of a juvenile dowager, it was held by the high dry exponents of + aristocratic privilege that to touch trade, even when it + proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved hand, was to be + defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian Duchess. To + be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors + contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of + nobility sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it + upon a commercial foundation, and cementing it with the dower + of a "tradesman's" daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose + exclusive dust has long since been consigned to family vaults + with appropriate inscriptions, could have foreseen the dreadful + inroads of the trading spirit, if in a moment of prophetic + rapture they could have watched the painful decay of caste + which permits a lady to dabble in bonnets, to toy with the + making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a + dressmaker, and, horror of horrors, to send in bills to her + customers, surely they would have refrained from the tomb in + order to stem the tide of advancing demoralisation. But they + are dead, and we who remain are left to deal as best we may + with the uncompromising spirit of the age.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/005-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/005-1.png" + alt="Woman in profile" /></a> + </div> + + <p>It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a + Lady Shopkeeper that she should have been at one time both + affluent and socially distinguished. If to these qualities she + can add the supreme advantage of good looks and a modest + demeanour, her career is certain to be a prosperous and a rapid + one. If, finally, she has been mated to a husband who, having + long ago spent his own cash, contrives in a short time to run a + best on record through hers, if he is a good fellow of a sort, + with a capacity for making friends which is as large as his + generosity in staking money, she may be sure that no element + will be wanting to her success. It is of course unnecessary + that she should have served any apprenticeship to the trade + that she ultimately adopts. When, after some glittering seasons + of horses and footmen and brilliant parties, the crash comes + upon the little household, her friends will be called into + council. Some will recommend a retired life in a distant + suburb, where it is currently reported that £250 a year + may be made to play the part of £2,000 in the heart of + May Fair. Others will hint that governesses have been known, + after years of painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a + short old age; others, again, will dive into the storehouse of + their reminiscences, in order to produce for inspection the + well-known example of a colonel and his wife, who defied both + the fates and the rheumatism in the modest <i>pension</i> of a + Continental watering-place. All these suggestions, however, are + eventually put aside in favour of the advice that a shop should + be started, a <i>nom de commerce</i> adopted, and a circle of + friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertisement. After + these matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes + necessary to determine to what special branch the talents of + the prospective Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this + is accomplished, and in a few months more the world of fashion + may learn by private circular or public paragraph, that a new + competitor for its favours has been launched into commercial + activity under a sweetly symbolical name.</p> + + <p>After this everything depends upon the Lady herself. At + first everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round + her, and she may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that + the staunchest and truest are those of whom, in her days of + brilliant prosperity, she thought the least. But a + <i>succès d'estime</i> is soon exhausted. Unless she + conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her + goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends + in her accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after + their payment, her customers and her profits will fall away. + But if she attends strictly to business herself, or engages a + good business woman to assist her, and orders her affairs in + accordance with the dictates of a proper self-interest, she is + almost certain to do well, and to reap the reward of those who + face the world without flinching, and fight the battle of life + sturdily and with an honest purpose. Some painful moments may + fall to her lot. It may be that in a crowded assemblage of + wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the + dress-making art, torn into shreds under the clumsy heel of a + Cabinet Minister, or a Duchess may speak unkindly in her + hearing of her latest devices in floral decoration. Or, some + brainless nincompoop may, in his ignorance of her profession, + cast aspersions on the general character and behaviour of all + who keep shops. And it may be that friends, after a prolonged + period of non-payment, will desert her, and speak ill of her + business. But she will be able to console herself for those and + similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the + world honours those who battle against ill-fortune without + complaint far above the needy crowd of spongers who strive to + batten without effort on the crumbs that fall from the tables + of the rich.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S VISIT TO THE CITY.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/005-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/005-2.png" + alt="Robert" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Well, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in + the old Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which + this year happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to + receive to Lunshon, quite in a frendly way, the Hemperer and + the Hempress of all GERMANY, not forgitting Hellygoland which + we so kindly guv 'em larst year, and, in addishun, about twenty + other princes and princesses from differing forren parts, as + has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do 'em honour, + and as if that wasn't quite enuff for one day, the noble Prince + of WHALES, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the + Royal Family, will be werry much "hall there" for to receeve + 'em and shew 'em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the + butiful Gildhall made into a bower of roses, and covered with + reel dammarsk tablecloths from top to bottom, and them all + covered with such a fairy-like Lunshon as makes my pore old + mouth water ony jest to think upon! There's one thing as I'm + afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be werry angry at, and + that is, as they ain't a going for to make him free of the + Citty, which is one of them grate honners as all the + celibryties of the World pines for. BROWN says it ain't + <i>commy fo</i>, as the French says, but BROWN don't know + everythink, tho' he is a trying his werry best to learn a few + German words in case the Hemperer asks him for sumthink to eat, + such as a little sour krowt. The best of the fun is that he + acshally spells sour, <i>sauer!</i> I ain't not a pertickler + good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of + sich a blunder as that.</p> + + <p>The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for + to look jest a little pail and worryed—and who can wunder + at it, for I'm told as they is amost torn to peaces with + applications for Tickets, tho they ony has two a-peace for + their friends, and won't have one for theirselves, but will + have to walk about all the time of the Lunch, with their long + sticks of office, to see as ewerybody xcept theirselves is nice + and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. And, torking of + drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore fellers! + who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in the + Citty, to taste all their werry best wines, and decide which, + of every kind and description, they shall select for their + himperial royal gests. Why it's amost enuff to give 'em all + hedakes for the rest of their nateral lives.</p> + + <p>I don't know of any further arrangements as is quite finally + settled, so praps I may have jest a few lines to add nex + week.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—A FIRST READING.—Would some + person kindly inform me of a good Recitation for a Smoking + Concert? I have been asked to recite "something telling" after + the annual banquet of a Club of local Licensed Victuallers. I + am thinking of the First Book of <i>Paradise Lost</i>. Or would + parts of <i>The Excursion</i> be more likely to create a + <i>furore</i>? I have never recited in public before, and feel + rather doubtful of my ability to "hold" the + Victuallers.—WILLING TO OBLIGE.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/006.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/006.png" + alt="GENTLE SATIRE." /></a> + + <h3>GENTLE SATIRE.</h3>"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A + OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"THE DILEMMA."</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>An old Irish Story newly + applied.</i>)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["On which horn of the dilemma will the + Gladstonians elect to stand?"—<i>Mr. Chamberlain, in + his controversy with Sir W. Harcourt on the place of Home + Rule in the Gladstonian programme.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="center"><i>Faithful Unionist Sentry, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is <i>the</i> + thing</p> + + <p class="i2">To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion + Socratic.</p> + + <p>I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting,</p> + + <p class="i2">The success of my bayonet-play is + emphatic.</p> + + <p>Remember a picture I once chanced to see,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Pompeian sentinel posed at a + portal,</p> + + <p>And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. + That's Me!</p> + + <p class="i2">As my country's defender, my fame is + immortal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, the Sentinel's <i>rôle</i> suits my style + passing well;</p> + + <p class="i2">The enemy won't find me napping or + nodding.</p> + + <p>But what I <i>most</i> like as I do sentry + spell,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the fine opportunity offered + for—prodding!</p> + + <p>I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do,</p> + + <p class="i2">With an eye like a hawk, and a smile + sweet as syrup;</p> + + <p>But when there's a chance for 'a + thrust—whirraroo!</p> + + <p class="i2">My bayonet-point is agog for a stir + up!</p> + + <p>JOE, the Sentry, you know, like <i>Joe Bagstock</i>, + is sly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ay, "devilish sly,"—if I may speak + profanely.</p> + + <p>That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering + there—why,</p> + + <p class="i2">The big burly Bobadil's acting + insanely.</p> + + <p>I <i>do</i> like to draw him. These ramparts are + mine,</p> + + <p class="i2">But because we're old comrades he cheeks + me. "Woa, EMMA!"</p> + + <p>As cads used to shout. I extremely incline</p> + + <p class="i2">To tickle him up with—a two-horned + Dilemma!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out + there</p> + + <p class="i2">With a—Snark; 'tis a Boojum which + shortly may vanish.</p> + + <p>Like <i>Frankenstein's</i>, his is a Monster, I + fear,</p> + + <p class="i2">He would—did he dare—be + delighted to banish.</p> + + <p>That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems</p> + + <p class="i2">A "handful" with which you are destined + to struggle,</p> + + <p>Which darkens your days as it haunts all your + dreams;</p> + + <p class="i2">Which you cannot get rid of by force or + by juggle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>You've got him, you say?</i> Well, then, bring + him along!</p> + + <p class="i2">Ha! ha! Says <i>"he can't!"</i> That's + exceedingly funny!</p> + + <p>It <i>is</i> very hard when your "captive"'s so + strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">He won't do your bidding for love or for + money.</p> + + <p>Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance.</p> + + <p class="i2">Like PAT'S prisoner—all know the + old Irish story—</p> + + <p>He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance.</p> + + <p class="i2">Such "prisoners" <i>do</i> mar their + conqueror's glory.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on + alone!"</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">Eh! "Captive won't <i>let</i> you?" + That's just what I told you!</p> + + <p>Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown;</p> + + <p class="i2">He's got <i>you</i>, my friend, and, my + faith, he will <i>hold</i> you.</p> + + <p>'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Only you're the true PAT. You can't take + it <i>or</i> leave it.</p> + + <p>Your triumph was futile, your struggles are + vain;</p> + + <p class="i2">Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot + deceive it.</p> + + <p class="center">[<i>Left chortling, but still "on + duty."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"— SUCCESSION?</h3> + + <p class="center">"Supply—Army Estimates."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>General FRASER—not a <i>phraser</i> + clearly—</p> + + <p>Military grumbling vents sincerely;</p> + + <p>House won't listen, and the cruel <i>Times</i></p> + + <p>Summarised his tale of woes and crimes,</p> + + <p>As—great CÆSAR!—"a few + observations."</p> + + <p>TANNER, always great on such occasions,</p> + + <p>Intimates that it is his impression</p> + + <p>Soldiers are "succeeding in succession"</p> + + <p>In the interest of more Expense.</p> + + <p>Well, "economists" make stir immense,</p> + + <p>But in spite of most Draconic manner,</p> + + <p>Hardly ever seem to <i>save</i>—a + "tanner."</p> + + <p>So that one is prone to think indeed,</p> + + <p>In succession they do + <i>not</i>—"succeed!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"A LEGGE UP."—The new Bishop of LICHFIELD.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/007.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/007.png" + alt="'THE DILEMMA.'" /></a> + + <h3>"THE DILEMMA."</h3>(<i>NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH + STORY</i>.) + + <p>H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!"</p> + + <p>CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!"</p> + + <p>H-RC-RT. "BUT HE <i>WON'T COME!</i>"</p> + + <p>CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!"</p> + + <p>H-RC-RT. "BUT <i>HE WON'T LET ME!!!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <!--blank page8--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>DILATORY DINNERS.</h3> + + <p class="scene">SCENE—<i>The Grounds of a certain + Exhibition. On this particular evening, there has been a slight + hitch in the culinary arrangements, and the relations between + the Chef and the Waiters are apparently strained. Enter an + Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and youthful + Guest.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Egotistic Amphitryon</i> (<i>concluding an + harangue</i>). Well, all <i>I</i>'ve got to say is I've been + here half-an-hour—(<i>with a bitter sense of the anomaly + of the situation</i>)—waiting about for <i>You!!</i> + (<i>They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the + verandah.</i>) Oh, you're going to sit <i>that</i> side, are + you? It's all the same to me, except that there's a confounded + draught here which—well, you're young, and these things + don't affect you—or oughtn't to. (<i>They exchange + sides.</i>) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we mean + to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly + told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter <i>presents a + carte, and stands by with a proud humility.</i>) Now, what are + you going to have? (<i>To</i> Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to + hear a man say he doesn't care what he eats—he + <i>ought</i> to care, he <i>must</i> care. What do you say to + this—"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce + Hollandaise; Brimborions de veau farcis à + l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New Potatoes; + Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (<i>To</i> Waiter.) Let us + have that as sharp as you can; do you hear?</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/009.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/009.png" + alt="Waiter and Diner" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Quick? Yes, I dell + zem. [<i>He hurries off.</i></p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! + (<i>To</i> Guest.) What will you drink?</p> + + <p><i>The Guest</i> (<i>thinks it will look greedy if he + suggests champagne</i>). Oh—er—whatever + <i>you're</i> going to drink.</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne + myself. I want it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer + (<i>considerately</i>), say so. (<i>The</i> Guest, <i>in a + spirit of propitiation, prefers beer.</i>) Well, we could have + managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never so good + to my mind in the pints—but please yourself, of + course.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The</i> Guest <i>feels that his + moderation has missed fire, but dares not retract; they sit in + silence for some time, without anything of importance + happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and carries + away their bread-basket.</i></p> + + <p><i>A Meek Man</i> (<i>at an adjoining table, who, probably + for family reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady + with an aquiline nose and remarkably thick eyebrows.</i>) You + know, HORATIA, I call this sort of thing very jolly, having + dinner like this in the fresh air, eh? [<i>He + rubs his hands under the table.</i></p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i> (<i>acidly</i>). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when + we <i>do</i> have it. At present we have been sitting here + fifteen minutes, and had nothing but fresh air and small flies, + and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon myself, why— + [<i>She fans herself vigorously.</i></p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i>. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned + that the trout <i>en papillotes</i> might take some little + time. I suppose (<i>with mild Jocularity</i>)—it's a + fashionable fish—wants to come in with a "little head + sunning over with curls," as the poet says.</p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i>. Please don't make jokes of that + sort—unless you wish to destroy the little appetite I + have left!</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i> (<i>penitently</i>). Never mind—I + won't do it again. Here 's our Waiter at last. <i>Now</i> we're + all right!</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The</i> Waiter <i>puts a dish down upon + another table, and advances with the air of a family friend who + brings bad tidings.</i></p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i>. Will you kindly let us have that trout at + once?</p> + + <p><i>The Waiter</i> (<i>bending down to</i> AUGUSTUS <i>with + pity and sympathy</i>). Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially + after keebin you so long vaiting, bot (<i>thinks how he can + break it most gently</i>) ve haf zo many beople hier to-day, + and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more drout. + Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay!</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i> (<i>mildly</i>). No, of course + not—well, let me see, now, what can you—?</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? + What the—</p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>to</i> AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back + bresently. (<i>To</i> E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes?</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> (<i>exploding</i>). My bill! Confound it! I + want something to eat first. When is that Bisque coming?</p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all + day. Your Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. + [<i>He goes.</i></p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i>. Now we're farther off from getting any food + than ever! I suppose you mean to do <i>something</i>, + AUGUSTUS?</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i>. Of course—certainly. I shall speak + very strongly. (<i>Bleating</i>.) Waiter!</p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i> (<i>with scorn</i>). <i>Do</i> you imagine + they will pay the least attention to a noise like a sixpenny + toy? Lot them see you <i>insist</i> upon being obeyed.</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i>. I am—I mean, I will—I am very + much annoyed. (<i>Fiercely</i>.) Wa-ai-ter!</p> + + <p><i>A Stern Waiter</i> (<i>appearing suddenly</i>.) You vant + somsing, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i> (<i>apologetically</i>). Yes; we + should—er—like something to + eat—anything—so long as you can bring it at once, + if you don't mind. "We—this Lady is rather in a hurry, + and we've waited some little time already, you see.</p> + + <p><i>The Waiter</i>. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I + send your Vaiter. [<i>He vanishes.</i></p> + + <p><i>The E.A</i>. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been + here! Ha! at last! (<i>A</i> Waiter <i>appears with a tureen, + which he uncovers.</i>) Here, what do you call <i>this?</i></p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Groûte au Bot—you order him, yes? + No? I dake him away!</p> + + <p>[<i>He whisks it away, to the chagrin of</i> Guest, <i>who + thought it smelt nice.</i></p> + + <p>The E.A. I ordered Bisque—where is it? and I want some + wine, too—a pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If + they're not here very soon, I'll—</p> + + <p><i>The Guest</i> (<i>trying to make the best of things</i>). + Nothing for it but patience, I suppose.</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> (<i>with intention</i>). I had very little + of <i>that</i> left before I sat down, I can tell you!</p> + + <p><i>A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner.</i> Waiter, could you + spare me one moment of your valuable time? (<i>The</i> Waiter + <i>halts irresolutely.</i>) It is so long since I had the + pleasure of speaking to you, that you may possibly have + forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I ventured + to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de + terre with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea + how much longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and + in the meantime enable me to support the pangs of starvation by + procuring me the favour of a penny roll, if I am not + trespassing too much upon your good-nature?</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The</i> Waiter, <i>in a state of extreme + mystification and alarm, departs to inform the</i> Manager.</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.'s Waiter</i> (<i>reappearing with a small plated + bowl, champagne bottle and glass of lager.</i>) I regred fery + moch to haf to dell you zat zere is only shust enough Bisque + for von berson. [<i>He bows with well-bred + concern.</i></p> + + <p><i>The E.A</i>. Confound it all! (<i>To</i> Guest.) Here, + <i>you'd</i> better take this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? + Well, Bisque <i>is</i> apt to disagree with some people. + (<i>To</i> Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring this gentleman + some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (<i>He busies + himself with his Bisque, while the</i> Guest, <i>in pure + absence of mind, drinks the champagne with which the</i> Waiter + <i>has filled his glass.</i>) Here, what are you doing? + <i>I</i> didn't order lager. (<i>Perceives the mistake</i>.) + Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (<i>To</i> Guest.) All + right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. + (<i>To</i> W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager + stuff away. (<i>Exit</i> W.; <i>the unfortunate</i> Guest, + <i>in attempting to pass the bottle, contrives to decant it + into his host's soup.</i>) Hullo, what + the—there—(<i>controlling himself</i>). You might + have left me the <i>soup</i>, at all events! + Well—well—it's no use saying any more about it. I + suppose I shall get something to eat some day.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>General tumult from several tables; + appeals to the</i> Waiters, <i>who lose their heads and upbraid + one another in their own tongue</i>; HORATIA <i>threatens + bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at a Refreshment + Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; + explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous + production of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, + as Scene closes in.</i></p> + + <p>N.B.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> wishes it to be understood that + the above sketch is not intended as a reflection upon any of + the deservedly popular restaurants existing at present in + either exhibition.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LEGAL AND MILITARY.—"Ancient Lights."—Retired + Lancers.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/010.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/010.png" + alt="PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS." /></a> + + <h3>PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + + <h3>MEDICINAL MUSIC.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>A Growl from a "Quiet Street."</i>)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["There is a disposition just now to revive + discussion upon a very old subject, namely the curative + influence of Music in cases of mental and bodily + disease."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Curative Music? Just as well expect</p> + + <p class="i2">An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon!</p> + + <p>Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect</p> + + <p class="i2">Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ;</p> + + <p>A febrifuge in a flat German Band,</p> + + <p class="i2">A prophylactic in a street-piano!</p> + + <p>Some quackery a man <i>can</i> understand,</p> + + <p class="i2">But Music I'll <i>not</i> take, even + <i>cum grano</i>.</p> + + <p>I don't believe what classic noodles say,</p> + + <p class="i2">That Music stopped the hæmorrhage + of ULYSSES;</p> + + <p>That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play</p> + + <p class="i2">From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense + hisses.</p> + + <p>I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls</p> + + <p class="i2">Were twangled into place by young + Amphion.</p> + + <p>Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and + squalls?</p> + + <p class="i2">Not <i>mine</i>, though the lyre-thrumber + were Arion.</p> + + <p>Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs—<i>all</i> + are bad.</p> + + <p class="i2">And vocal fireworks are far worse than + vanity.</p> + + <p>Stop, though! <i>I</i>'m sane, and they just drive + me mad;</p> + + <p class="i2">So Music <i>may</i> drive <i>idiots</i> + into sanity!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/011-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/011-1.png" + alt="AT A SMOKING CONCERT." /></a> + + <h3>AT A SMOKING CONCERT.</h3> + + <p><i>Distinguished Amateur</i> (<i>with good Method but + small Voice, suddenly jumping up from Piano</i>). "LOOK + HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES + TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!"</p> + + <p><i>Algy</i>. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN—AWFULLY + SORRY—DIDN'T KNOW YOU <i>WERE</i> SINGING, YOU + KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23</i>, 12'15 + A.M.—House just adjourned; a little dazed by shock of + narrow escape from grievous danger. Been at it through greater + part of night debating Second Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS + 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech of fiery eloquence. The + SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to J.A.P. without + an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his voice and + his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, as + ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional + jealousy supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The + SQUIRE, though not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear + a rival in the oratorical field. Had things turned out + differently to-night, he might have enjoyed the advantage of + addressing House at this favourable hour, whilst its withers + were yet unwrung.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/011-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/011-2.png" + alt="Sir Algernon." /></a>Sir Algernon. + </div> + + <p>But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's + strategy for nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education + Bill appeared on the paper, he romped in, and put down + Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't mean to move it; doesn't + move it; but he gets first place in principal Debate of + Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous + argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration.</p> + + <p>It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular + incident arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when + CRANBORNE suddenly got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. + had bowled him and others over in the earlier part of the + Sitting; but there was a second night, and the HOPE of HATFIELD + determined he would collar that. Had the Motion for Adjournment + been accepted, he would, in accordance with usage, have opened + the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, and in the + mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of an + hour.</p> + + <p>"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech."</p> + + <p>All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest + withal; not the person to argue with his pastors and masters. + So resumed his seat. If they wanted to use up the time, let + some one else speak through the quarter of an hour. Had things + been so left, the listening Senate and the waiting world would + never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As the SPEAKER + gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he had + exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his + thesis at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the + Debate without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But + he must speak now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the + Debate was concerned. This was awkward; but no help for it; so + CRANBORNE plunged in and talked up to midnight, when the Debate + stood adjourned.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Second Reading of Education Bill + moved.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Another night with Education Bill. + Position rather peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in + state of frantic adulation of the measure; and yet everyone + passing the cradle in which the infant slumbers gives it a sly + pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist gets up and honestly + denounces a Bill embodying principle which Conservatives been + led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night made + capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly + declares his regret that good Tories should be asked to support + principles which they, under their present Leaders, violently + opposed at General Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and + persuasively attempts to stem this growing torrent of + discontent. "The change of opinion on this side of the House," + he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, clutching at an + imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an impalpable + brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times have + altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"—and here ADDISON, + like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly + swelled,—"to adapt themselves to the necessities of the + case."</p> + + <p>JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind + ADDISON, had no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years + I've sat in this House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that + time have seen measures which we Conservatives have been + encouraged, almost instructed, to denounce, cordially received + by our Leaders and passed into law. For my part, I cannot + flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might eat of it + now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, it + becomes a little + monotonous."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <p>OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. + Gone off, and wisely left no address. People walking along + Downing Street, find written over the door at the Treasury, + "Back in Ten Minutes." That's all; neither date nor hour + specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD MORALITY comes not. But + he sometimes communicates with his most intimate friends. Have + this morning a note from him.</p> + + <p>"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find + you well as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine + have fallen in pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance + to be just now. Some people are inclined to deny me the faculty + of humour. But I think the merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in + charge of the Free Education Bill is pretty well for a + beginner. Everything must have a commencement. Now I've started + I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse my not + mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, + I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and + Country, and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in + whatever part of the House they may sit. If you want to write + to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, England.' I have reason to believe + that so perfect is the machinery of the Post Office under the + direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the missive thus + directed will not fail to reach its destination."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—On Second Reading of Education + Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—An old acquaintance looked in at + Lobby to-night. When he was here, we used to call him LONG + LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must + behave to him as such.</p> + + <p>"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as + friendly as if he were still at the Bar.</p> + + <p>"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a + Parliamentary Hand to be inveigled into familiarity by his + unassuming manner.</p> + + <p>Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain + to the learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce + been called in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. + is absent on sick leave—not keeping out of the way of + Education Bill, as some will have it. OLD MORALITY back + to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final effort to elude + discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also absent; + news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic + accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" + from Brighton to Steyning.</p> + + <p>"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had + been committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot + in the one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller + precautions to evade pursuit."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/012-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/012-1.png" + alt="Long Lawrence." /></a>Long Lawrence. + </div> + + <p>At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured + often before. Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, + the detail: "The ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL + drove away in the direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the + whip and reins."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She + always takes the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the + trick's done."</p> + + <p>SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, + observant of the Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest + Session ever lived through, and chiefly anxious to bring it to + an end.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase + Bill read Second Time, after series of essays delivered by half + dozen Peers. Point of honour not to take less than one hour in + delivery. DERBY brought down his contribution nicely written + out on quarter sheets. Whilst ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY + seized opportunity to read his speech over to himself. This all + very well if he had strictly carried out intention, but, when + he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages in an audible + voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, who sat + near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he + whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and + JOAN, you know; but won't do here."</p> + + <p>DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn + came, when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Irish Land Bill through Lords; + Public Health Bill in Commons.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MISS NOMER.</h3> + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/012-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/012-2.png" + alt="Tree in <i>Hamlet</i>." /></a>Tree in + <i>Hamlet</i>. + </div> + + <p>Now why was <i>The Dancing Girl</i> ever called <i>The + Dancing Girl</i> at all? As a matter of fact she never did + dance, and from last week's advertisements we find that she has + been "running" ever since her first appearance. Now she's off + for another run in the provinces, and then back again. Quite a + theatrical illustration of the sporting term "running in and + out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces he is to + appear as the <i>Prince of Denmark</i>.</p> + <br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY.</h3> + + <p>(<i>Arranged in Question and Answer Form.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Question</i>. I may take it that the backbone of the + British Army (especially in the time of peace) are those + commissioned warriors who obtained admission to the Service by + paying for their footing?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Indeed you may.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And, at the time when these warriors were + admitted, I fancy the scientific branches of the Force (the + "Gunners" and the "Sappers") were rather looked down upon than + otherwise?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Certainly, for you see they obtained their + Commissions by brains, and not through money-bags.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And now you have to complain that the Generals' + Establishment has been reduced from 275 to 68?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a + certain number of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, + instead of hanging down from the left shoulder.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> Does not promotion by selection, instead of + seniority, cause you also considerable loss?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right + to suppose that once gazetted he would go up to the top of the + tree, always supposing he was able to pay his way like an + officer and a gentleman.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> Is it not also sad that Officers who accept + half-pay should be called upon to serve in the Auxiliary + Forces?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And do you not object to your condition + generally?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is + <i>the</i> burning one of the hour!</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And what do you think of other matters affecting + the welfare of the Army?</p> + + <p><i>A</i>. That they are merely details that can safely wait + indefinitely the consideration of the Authorities!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS.</h3> + + <p>To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or + "<i>Plunketto</i>," as the name appears in the opera of + <i>Marta</i>—</p> + + <p><i>Whether</i> there cannot be some improvement made in that + Despondent Slough known as Rotten Row?</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/012-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/012-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Whether</i> Kensington Gardens, now sacred to + nursery-maids and their charges, and a few loungers, couldn't + be opened up with one or two good rides right across, and a few + intersecting bridle-paths, after the fashion of the Bois de + Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of the Row, which is + getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and more and + more crowded every summer?</p> + + <p><i>Whether</i>, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, + something cannot be done in time for the season of + 1892?</p><br clear="all" /> + <hr class="full" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:8em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13563 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13563-h/images/001.png b/13563-h/images/001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..940ce11 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/001.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/001a.png b/13563-h/images/001a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6fe3ce --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/001a.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/002-1.png b/13563-h/images/002-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d04e49e --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/002-1.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/002-2.png b/13563-h/images/002-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd0d333 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/002-2.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/003-1.png b/13563-h/images/003-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ffd7f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/003-1.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/003-2.png b/13563-h/images/003-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52400d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/003-2.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/003-3.png b/13563-h/images/003-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..90f6001 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/003-3.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/004-1.png b/13563-h/images/004-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4fc79f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/004-1.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/004-2.png b/13563-h/images/004-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..68fa237 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/004-2.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/004-3.png b/13563-h/images/004-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e7b29f --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/004-3.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/005-1.png b/13563-h/images/005-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0235a14 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/005-1.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/005-2.png b/13563-h/images/005-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9747424 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/005-2.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/006.png b/13563-h/images/006.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cbcaca --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/006.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/007.png b/13563-h/images/007.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5a4ca5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/007.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/009.png b/13563-h/images/009.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..241f348 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/009.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/010.png b/13563-h/images/010.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ee79c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/010.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/011-1.png b/13563-h/images/011-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ac10b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/011-1.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/011-2.png b/13563-h/images/011-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6ba85a --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/011-2.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/012-1.png b/13563-h/images/012-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf59064 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/012-1.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/012-2.png b/13563-h/images/012-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e27231e --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/012-2.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/012-3.png b/13563-h/images/012-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0c6353 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/012-3.png diff --git a/13563-h/images/pointer.png b/13563-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6309484 --- /dev/null +++ b/13563-h/images/pointer.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..62d25e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13563 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13563) diff --git a/old/13563-8.txt b/old/13563-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ca62b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1728 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. +July 4, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. July 4, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 30, 2004 [EBook #13563] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 4, 1891. + + + + + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +URBI ET ORBI. + +Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory congratulations on the +occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this opportunity of informing his +friends--which means Everybody Everywhere--that the 50th anniversary +of his natal day is July 18 _prox._, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby gives +full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone Everywhere to +keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, and to the utmost of +their ability, just exactly what best pleases them. + +PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANTREY BEQUEST À LA MODE DE LISLE. + + ["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to veto any pictures + purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that did not meet with + their approval."--_Daily Paper._] + +SCENE--_A Studio in the Royal Academy. The_ President _and several_ +Members of the Council _waiting arrival of Government to inspect their +most recent purchase._ + +_President_ (_with assumed joviality_). Well, my dear Colleagues, I +do not think exception _can_ be taken to this composition. Simple and +effective, is it not? + +_First Member of Council_ (_gloomily_). Oh, you never know! I think we +ought to have opposed the admission of the Cabinet--what should _they_ +know about Art? + +_Second Mem_. (_drily_). Enough to make speeches at the annual +dinner--to which they wouldn't come if we snubbed them. + +_First Mem_. What of that? I am sure the President is quite eloquent +enough to stand alone. + +_Pres_. (_with a graceful bow_). You are most kind. But, hush! here +comes Lord SALISBURY! + +_Enter the_ PRIME MINISTER. _Cordial greetings._ + +_Premier_ (_briskly_). I am sure you will forgive me if I get through +this quickly. (_Looking at picture._) Hm! Yes, very nice; but _did_ +EDWARD the Black Prince wear his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure +I refrain from appearing in mine under similar circumstances. (_To_ +Pres.) Do you think the Artist could paint it out? + +_Pres_. I feel sure he will do everything in his power to satisfy your +Lordship's artistic instincts. + +_Premier_. Just so. + +[_Exit_ R. _when enter_ FIRST LORD of the TREASURY, L. + +_Pres_. (_greeting new-comer cordially_). Most glad to see you, my +dear Right Hon. Sir! + +_First Lord_. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am always anxious +to do my duty to my Queen and Country. (_Gazing at picture._) Hm! Not +bad! But, I say, I do know something of yachting, and that isn't the +way to brace up the marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main +jibboom three points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture +a suggestion--hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! A bird in +the hand is worth two in the bush. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will think of the +matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice _is_ a little superfluous. +Why here is the HOME SECRETARY. + +[_Enter that august personage--mutual greeting._ + +_Home Sec_. (_examining picture_). Yes, very nice. Just my idea of +what a historical picture _should_ be! Sea-view very fair indeed, +and I think that the suggestion of the presentation at Court is +also extremely neat. The Black Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER +CROMWELL, but then that is a detail that will not challenge particular +attention. I like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens--very good, indeed! +But why should a scene of this great historical importance be laid in +Charing Cross during a labour demonstration? + +_Pres_. (_frankly_). I cannot say that I have looked up all my +authorities, but I do not think our friend would allow himself to be +wrong on so important a point. + +_Home Sec_. Well, I think it would be in better taste if the Artist +cut out that stampede of police--it is not true to nature! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. There _may_ be something in what he says, but I do wish these +amateurs would keep their suggestions to themselves. + +_Enter_ FIRST LORD of the ADMIRALTY. + +_Pres_. (_cordially_). My dear Lord, delighted to see you--what do you +think of it? + +_First Lord_. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right has the Artist +to put the white ensign on the top of that light-house? It's against +the regulations--they should be flying the Trinity House flag--if +anything. That _must_ come out, you know--it really must! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. Ah! the +Secretary of State for War! (_Enter that official_) Well, Mr. +STANHOPE, and how do _you_ like the new purchase? + +_War Minister_ (_after, a glance at the canvas_). Tol lol. But come, I +say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat like _that_! And, I say, +as it isn't raining, why has he put up his umbrella? In the cause of +historical accuracy that should not be allowed. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. (_drily_). I am afraid our friend will have enough to do. +(_Enter the remainder of the Cabinet together_). Well, Gentlemen--hope +you approve of our purchase? + +_Remainder_ (_together_). Not at all. You should have only bought the +frame! [_Scene closes in on the consideration of this new point._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS." + +CHELSEA, JUNE, 1891. FOUR BELL(E)S.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS. + + [_Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King HENRY'S "holy shade" + on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of the Foundation of Eton + College._] + + To _Mr. Punch's_ friends, who think he blundered, + In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred, + And acted quite in error when he paid + Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade," + A word of explanation now is due, + To show how what he stated then was true. + The word is this--that fifty years have now + Elapsed since _Mr. Punch_ first made his bow; + And though since then with many friends he's parted, + Himself he is as young as when he started. + Just fifty years ago it now appears + That fair Etona claimed four hundred years. + Ungallant it had been if one had told her + That _Mr. Punch_ kept young whilst she grew older! + Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary + Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY + Became the founder of a Royal College-- + Well, _Mr. Punch_ prefers to have no knowledge. + He only does not know--has never known a + More worthy toast than "_Floreat Etona!_" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUSADERS. + + ["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin Journal, has given his + consent to a lottery being instituted throughout the Empire + 'for combating the slave trade in Africa.' Tickets to the + amount of eight millions of marks will be issued, five and + a half millions of which will be devoted to prizes."--_Daily + Telegraph Berlin Correspondent_.] + + KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days, + Might learn from WILHELM KAISER. + They risked their lives in Paynim frays, + We moderns have grown wiser. + 'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars + To buttress Churches tottery; + We, with the dice "financing" wars, + Conduct Crusades--by Lottery! + + * * * * * + +LIVE AND LEARN.--Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit that the +foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a wheel" may bring +the breaker woe. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER. + +[Illustration: C-l-n-l N-rth as _Falstaff_. L-rd C-l-r-dge as _Lord +Chief Justice. Henry the Fourth_, Part II., Act ii., Sc.] + +Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the architect of +his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have profited much by his +architectural knowledge when applied to house-building. The burly +Colonel--we forget at this moment what regiment is under his +distinguished command--has met many a great personage in his time, +but, like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian Archbishop +for the first time--St. Ambrose, we rather think it was, but no +matter--our bold Colonel had to climb down a bit on coming face to +face with the Lord Chief Justice of England. What a cast for a scene +out of _Henry the Fourth! Falstaff_, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord +COLERIDGE for the _Lord Chief Justice_. The scene might be Part II., +Act ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to _Sir John_, "You +speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of your +reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"--only for "woman," read +"architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE should be the pre-surname +of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. What's in a name? Yet there's a +good deal in the sound and look of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up +before the Lord Chief, who must quite recently have got hold of +quite a little library of useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. +NORTH'S money seems to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that +is, the architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel +Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. Never +mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be lucky. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK. + +I.--FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE. + + 'How mad and bad and sad it was-- + But then, how it was sweet!"--BROWNING. + +II.--FOR MR. GLADSTONE. + + "Et longa canoros + Dant per colla modos."--VIRGIL. + +III.--FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD. + +"Gaiter.--A covering for the leg."--ENGLISH DICTIONARY. + +IV.--FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD WEATHER. + +"They also serve who only stand and wait."--MILTON. + + * * * * * + +AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.--Hair PADDY REWSKI is a pianofortist up to the +time and tune of day. Knowing that _L'Enfant Prodigue_ is now all +the go, he keeps himself up to date by performing the Musical Prodigy +Son's, I mean MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so +effectively, that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and +much obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played +_La Campanella_, Which I prefer to _Gentle Zitella_, The Princess +LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was really looking uncommonly well +considering the heat. Bravo, PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_By Our Own Grandolph._) + +(FIRST LETTER--A.) + +1.--_From Paddington to the first comma is a comparatively slight +stop._ + +Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train started +from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless ideas are +suggested by this title, &c., &c. (_This part I'll send to Daily +Graphic._) + +REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY. + +Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. That's +enough. "_Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais_ as MARLBROOK Junior I +may say, "_Je reviendrai."_ Politics to the winds! or, colloquially, +Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, +TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & +Co." + +[Illustration] + +THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY. + +Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A BALFOUR--beg +pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR--and DRUMMY WOLFFY, and _De_ GORSTIBUS +_non disputandum_ ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a +quartette, though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a +concerted piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now--"Where am dat +barty now?"--I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting correctly is +not my _forte_. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; he was the "barty" of our +party, in the merry days of old. Now--none of 'em here, and I with +my ink-stand before me, a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any +amount of foolscap, represent "the composition" of our party. I must +get on with my "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This +is a holiday task. One, two, three, off!--and away! + +ALL ABROAD. + +Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left London, and are +at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS suggests these lines, to +which I append my own translation. BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin +at Eton (I hear by private wire that he admitted as much in his recent +speech at the fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, +couldn't give the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's +reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't looking:-- + + "Ille terrarum mihi præter omnes + Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto + Melle decedunt, viridique certat + Bacca Venafro. + + "Vir ubi longum tepidusque præbet + Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon, + Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis + Invidet uvis." + +Which translated means:-- + +He, the Englishman (_Angulus_), beside me (that is, "sitting on deck +by my side") laughs at all people on shore when he is quite certain +(_certat_) that he can't get good tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local +tobacconist). (This) man prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so +soon hot, for, by Jove, you'll burn yourself (_brumas_), and being +a friend of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who +can smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for +Falernian (_classic metaphor for Cape wine_). + +I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give BALFOUR +(the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a steerer) a mile +over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him easily. + +WHERE ARE WE NOW? + +[Illustration: The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira.] + +_En route_, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in amiable +temper--not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. Chatsworth not in it +with the smallest flower-and-kitchen garden here. Dined at the +"Brag"--short for Braganza. Suddenly inspired--wrote drinking song:-- + + _Sancho Panza_ + At Braganza, + Quaffed no end of cup, + But _Don Quixit_ + Said "Don't mix it-- + Let us go and sup." + +Have composed my own music to this--call it my musical cup-yright. +Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other rates at sea, except +pi-rates, and the rate we're now going at--i.e., two knots an hour, +and ties pay the dealer. Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after +the above symposium, carried round the town to the air of "_Please +to Remember_," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything too previous +here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's nowhere, except in +some other places. This is the meteorological or illogical rule, the +"_Summa Lex_." Look at my bearers! These are heads of the people, +eh? Carried round town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I +_now_ look upon as my native place, or _the land of my berth!_ + +"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!" + +[Illustration] + +Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, was a +worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned by the poet +as having done so; you remember-- + + "Hope told a flattering tale;" + +but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY were here, +and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate place to pick up +health. Every morning I climb the maintop-gallant, plunge into the +ocean, and out again in the blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, +grapple with fresh lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he +knows where he is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. +Excellent lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and +boiled! Such a breakfast! + +QUITE A TROPICAL SONG! + +Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" magnificent! +Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's fine. Splendid +specimen of the "Boot-tree" (_Arbor tegumenpedis_), and the quaint +"Blacking-Brush Plant," which is its invariable companion. No time to +spare, however--off again to the _Grantully Castle_, with pockets full +of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit on them in boat. +Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit squash in your tail-coat +pocket not so refreshing. + +CAPERING. + +There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give you my +word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but saw most of +'em through telescope before landing. There's an old Town House and +a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; Museum, Library, with +Manuscripts badly illuminated before the discovery of gas; and as good +a glass of Port (called here "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH +MARTIN, who first took to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) +as you'd wish to get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for +halfpence in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral +wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined them, +and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something +in South-African, which the street Arabs here speak to perfection, and +which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on CECIL, +the Colossus of Rhodes, but he was absent at the time. Fine place, the +Cape. "Why," I asked myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, +Herne Bay, and even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside +place as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it +before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, they +_won't strike out a line of their own_. [N.B.--I must beg the Editor, +when he gets this, not to strike out any line of mine, _as it's +business_, and means advertisement.] + +THE ODD TREK. + +[Illustration] + +Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, and beat +him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness; but at game +No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a "trek" worth any three of +his. He wanted to go about with me after this, but he became such a +Boer (that's the origin of our word at home signifying "nuisance") +that I cut him, and his pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch +races. Shall pick up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not +writing any more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the +_Daily Graphic_, besides cramming and reading up for it far more than +ever I did at Oxford. However, the _jeu d'esprit_ is well worth the +_chandelle_. You don't want much about local politics--do you? If +so, wire's the word, and I'm there. Looking forward to see +_What-can-the-Matter-be-Land_, also SAM BEST, and other old friends, +with whose names, at least, the papers have already made you familiar. +Must be off now, as I've an interview with the High Commissioner, who +does all my business for me at the native races. Obliged to give him +twenty per cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason +why he has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly +enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per cent. +on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." Newmarket not +in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, adoo!" Mind you, +I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out +here, "White to win in a few moves," [to which I shall soon be able +to put you up], and "Black not to win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry +work, scribbling; but luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious +fruit can be had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use +the information, if he likes, till I return. _Au revoir!_ Yours ever, + +[Illustration: Transcriber's Note: "Grandolph, the Explorer." +rendered in script.] + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--AUTHORSHIP.--I should be glad to know the name of +a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for £1000 a +first-rate Sensational Novel? I have only written one chapter so +far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and +energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a +small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT £5000 for +_Middlemarch?_ I should like to go to them.--NO JUGGINS. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June._--We had an immense meeting here last +night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to +got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse +or other, and we had to content ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an +Undersecretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. +VULLIAMY came too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being +offended at what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale +illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a gentle +protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me +to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was considerable +difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, +so as not to leave any of the important local chiefs out of +the proceedings. First of all TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the +proceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty's +Government, proposed by Colonel CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To +this CARDEW responded. + +[Illustration: Free and Independent Elector.] + +Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, +to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY DIKES proposed a vote of +thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by BLISSOP, and after a +few cordial words from TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the +whole, everything went off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a +masterpiece. He said:-- + +"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private +concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have had +an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I +have known him for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more +and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in +political matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, +and his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a +brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But what +chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable +uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and +determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it +will be kept free from all personal bitterness, and will be conducted +in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute +and scrupulous legality of everything that may be done. The conscience +of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its +suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice +to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, +and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the +greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury +to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain +to approach." + +This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had followed +his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But the cheers +that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthusiastic coming +from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with +VULLIAMY'S suggestions. + +_Wednesday, June 4th._--The _Meteor_ is furious about our meeting +yesterday. It says, in a leader:--"Do these gentlemen suppose that the +froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is +likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in which +the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have +nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his youth, +combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely +disqualifies him for the responsible post to which his foolish +ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid +imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the +Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to speak in +public; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, +do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the +sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice in no +unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it." + +The _Guardian_ is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, "has it been +our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our cause expounded with +an eloquence so convincing. Mr. CARDEW spoke, as he always does, with +that sturdy good sense which has not only made him a redoubtable foe +in the House of Commons, but has endeared his name to the masses of +the English people. Mr. VULLIAMY again showed himself a master of the +great questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while +he contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with the +wise, but generous economies, established by those who now hold the +reins of Government. Our popular and eloquent young Candidate, Mr. +PATTLE, showed himself not unworthy to take his place side by side +with the two great men we have mentioned upon the Government benches. +Rarely has any meeting displayed greater enthusiasm and unanimity. Our +wretched opponents may well hide their diminished heads. Another nail +has been struck into the coffin of the CHUBSONS, and the rest of the +gang whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the last +election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury politics. They +have earned their doom. _Sic semper tyrannis!_" + +There's a curious paragraph in a little weekly sort of Society rag +published in Billsbury. It says:--"Mr. PATTLE has prolonged his stay +in Billsbury for some time. Can it _all_ be politics? I say nothing. +But others have been heard to whisper nothings which are sweet. +What price bonnets?" I suppose the idiot means to hint that there's +something between me and Miss PENFOLD? Hope MARY won't hear of this +rubbish. + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +NO. XXVI.--THE LADY SHOPKEEPER. + +Ladies who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, or to +counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves to the +keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing body. In times +so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory of a juvenile dowager, +it was held by the high dry exponents of aristocratic privilege that +to touch trade, even when it proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved +hand, was to be defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian +Duchess. To be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors +contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of nobility +sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it upon a commercial +foundation, and cementing it with the dower of a "tradesman's" +daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose exclusive dust has long +since been consigned to family vaults with appropriate inscriptions, +could have foreseen the dreadful inroads of the trading spirit, if +in a moment of prophetic rapture they could have watched the painful +decay of caste which permits a lady to dabble in bonnets, to toy with +the making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a dressmaker, +and, horror of horrors, to send in bills to her customers, surely +they would have refrained from the tomb in order to stem the tide of +advancing demoralisation. But they are dead, and we who remain are +left to deal as best we may with the uncompromising spirit of the age. + +[Illustration] + +It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a Lady +Shopkeeper that she should have been at one time both affluent and +socially distinguished. If to these qualities she can add the supreme +advantage of good looks and a modest demeanour, her career is certain +to be a prosperous and a rapid one. If, finally, she has been mated +to a husband who, having long ago spent his own cash, contrives in +a short time to run a best on record through hers, if he is a good +fellow of a sort, with a capacity for making friends which is as large +as his generosity in staking money, she may be sure that no element +will be wanting to her success. It is of course unnecessary that she +should have served any apprenticeship to the trade that she ultimately +adopts. When, after some glittering seasons of horses and footmen +and brilliant parties, the crash comes upon the little household, her +friends will be called into council. Some will recommend a retired +life in a distant suburb, where it is currently reported that £250 a +year may be made to play the part of £2,000 in the heart of May Fair. +Others will hint that governesses have been known, after years of +painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a short old age; others, +again, will dive into the storehouse of their reminiscences, in order +to produce for inspection the well-known example of a colonel and +his wife, who defied both the fates and the rheumatism in the modest +_pension_ of a Continental watering-place. All these suggestions, +however, are eventually put aside in favour of the advice that a +shop should be started, a _nom de commerce_ adopted, and a circle of +friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertisement. After these +matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes necessary +to determine to what special branch the talents of the prospective +Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this is accomplished, +and in a few months more the world of fashion may learn by private +circular or public paragraph, that a new competitor for its favours +has been launched into commercial activity under a sweetly symbolical +name. + +After this everything depends upon the Lady herself. At first +everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round her, and she +may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that the staunchest and +truest are those of whom, in her days of brilliant prosperity, she +thought the least. But a _succès d'estime_ is soon exhausted. Unless +she conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her +goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends in her +accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after their payment, +her customers and her profits will fall away. But if she attends +strictly to business herself, or engages a good business woman to +assist her, and orders her affairs in accordance with the dictates of +a proper self-interest, she is almost certain to do well, and to reap +the reward of those who face the world without flinching, and fight +the battle of life sturdily and with an honest purpose. Some painful +moments may fall to her lot. It may be that in a crowded assemblage +of wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the +dress-making art, torn into shreds under the clumsy heel of a Cabinet +Minister, or a Duchess may speak unkindly in her hearing of her latest +devices in floral decoration. Or, some brainless nincompoop may, +in his ignorance of her profession, cast aspersions on the general +character and behaviour of all who keep shops. And it may be that +friends, after a prolonged period of non-payment, will desert her, and +speak ill of her business. But she will be able to console herself for +those and similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the +world honours those who battle against ill-fortune without complaint +far above the needy crowd of spongers who strive to batten without +effort on the crumbs that fall from the tables of the rich. + + * * * * * + + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S VISIT TO THE CITY. + +[Illustration] + +Well, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in the old +Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which this year +happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to receive to Lunshon, +quite in a frendly way, the Hemperer and the Hempress of all GERMANY, +not forgitting Hellygoland which we so kindly guv 'em larst year, and, +in addishun, about twenty other princes and princesses from differing +forren parts, as has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do +'em honour, and as if that wasn't quite enuff for one day, the noble +Prince of WHALES, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the +Royal Family, will be werry much "hall there" for to receeve 'em and +shew 'em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the butiful Gildhall +made into a bower of roses, and covered with reel dammarsk tablecloths +from top to bottom, and them all covered with such a fairy-like +Lunshon as makes my pore old mouth water ony jest to think upon! +There's one thing as I'm afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be +werry angry at, and that is, as they ain't a going for to make him +free of the Citty, which is one of them grate honners as all the +celibryties of the World pines for. BROWN says it ain't _commy fo_, as +the French says, but BROWN don't know everythink, tho' he is a trying +his werry best to learn a few German words in case the Hemperer asks +him for sumthink to eat, such as a little sour krowt. The best of the +fun is that he acshally spells sour, _sauer!_ I ain't not a pertickler +good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of sich a +blunder as that. + +The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for to look +jest a little pail and worryed--and who can wunder at it, for I'm told +as they is amost torn to peaces with applications for Tickets, tho +they ony has two a-peace for their friends, and won't have one for +theirselves, but will have to walk about all the time of the +Lunch, with their long sticks of office, to see as ewerybody xcept +theirselves is nice and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. +And, torking of drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore +fellers! who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in +the Citty, to taste all their werry best wines, and decide which, +of every kind and description, they shall select for their himperial +royal gests. Why it's amost enuff to give 'em all hedakes for the rest +of their nateral lives. + +I don't know of any further arrangements as is quite finally settled, +so praps I may have jest a few lines to add nex week. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--A FIRST READING.--Would some person kindly inform +me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert? I have been asked to +recite "something telling" after the annual banquet of a Club of local +Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of _Paradise +Lost_. Or would parts of _The Excursion_ be more likely to create +a _furore_? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather +doubtful of my ability to "hold" the Victuallers.--WILLING TO OBLIGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENTLE SATIRE. + +"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE DILEMMA." + +(_An old Irish Story newly applied._) + + ["On which horn of the dilemma will the Gladstonians elect + to stand?"--_Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir + W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstonian + programme._] + +_Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur_:-- + + Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is _the_ thing + To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic. + I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting, + The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic. + Remember a picture I once chanced to see, + A Pompeian sentinel posed at a portal, + And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. That's Me! + As my country's defender, my fame is immortal. + + Yes, the Sentinel's _rôle_ suits my style passing well; + The enemy won't find me napping or nodding. + But what I _most_ like as I do sentry spell, + Is the fine opportunity offered for--prodding! + I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do, + With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup; + But when there's a chance for 'a thrust--whirraroo! + My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up! + JOE, the Sentry, you know, like _Joe Bagstock_, is sly, + Ay, "devilish sly,"--if I may speak profanely. + That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering there--why, + The big burly Bobadil's acting insanely. + I _do_ like to draw him. These ramparts are mine, + But because we're old comrades he cheeks me. "Woa, EMMA!" + As cads used to shout. I extremely incline + To tickle him up with--a two-horned Dilemma! + + "Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out there + With a--Snark; 'tis a Boojum which shortly may vanish. + Like _Frankenstein's_, his is a Monster, I fear, + He would--did he dare--be delighted to banish. + That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems + A "handful" with which you are destined to struggle, + Which darkens your days as it haunts all your dreams; + Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle. + + _You've got him, you say?_ Well, then, bring him along! + Ha! ha! Says _"he can't!"_ That's exceedingly funny! + It _is_ very hard when your "captive"'s so strong, + He won't do your bidding for love or for money. + Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance. + Like PAT'S prisoner--all know the old Irish story-- + He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance. + Such "prisoners" _do_ mar their conqueror's glory. + + _"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on alone!"_-- + Eh! "Captive won't _let_ you?" That's just what I told you! + Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown; + He's got _you_, my friend, and, my faith, he will _hold_ you. + 'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again, + Only you're the true PAT. You can't take it _or_ leave it. + Your triumph was futile, your struggles are vain; + Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot deceive it. + +[_Left chortling, but still "on duty."_ + + * * * * * + +"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"-- SUCCESSION? + +"Supply--Army Estimates." + + General FRASER--not a _phraser_ clearly-- + Military grumbling vents sincerely; + House won't listen, and the cruel _Times_ + Summarised his tale of woes and crimes, + As--great CÆSAR!--"a few observations." + TANNER, always great on such occasions, + Intimates that it is his impression + Soldiers are "succeeding in succession" + In the interest of more Expense. + Well, "economists" make stir immense, + But in spite of most Draconic manner, + Hardly ever seem to _save_--a "tanner." + So that one is prone to think indeed, + In succession they do _not_--"succeed!" + + * * * * * + +"A LEGGE UP."--The new Bishop of LICHFIELD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE DILEMMA." + +(_NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY_.) + +H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT HE _WON'T COME!_" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT _HE WON'T LET ME!!!_"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +DILATORY DINNERS. + +SCENE--_The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular +evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrangements, +and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently +strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and +youthful Guest._ + +_The Egotistic Amphitryon_ (_concluding an harangue_). Well, all +_I_'ve got to say is I've been here half-an-hour--(_with a bitter +sense of the anomaly of the situation_)--waiting about for _You!!_ +(_They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the +verandah._) Oh, you're going to sit _that_ side, are you? It's all the +same to me, except that there's a confounded draught here which--well, +you're young, and these things don't affect you--or oughtn't to. +(_They exchange sides._) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we +mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly +told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter _presents a carte, and +stands by with a proud humility._) Now, what are you going to have? +(_To_ Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care +what he eats--he _ought_ to care, he _must_ care. What do you say +to this--"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise; +Brimborions de veau farcis à l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New +Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (_To_ Waiter.) Let us +have that as sharp as you can; do you hear? + +[Illustration] + +_Waiter_. Quick? Yes, I dell zem. [_He hurries off._ + +_The E.A._ Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! (_To_ Guest.) +What will you drink? + +_The Guest_ (_thinks it will look greedy if he suggests champagne_). +Oh--er--whatever _you're_ going to drink. + +_The E.A._ Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want +it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (_considerately_), say +so. (_The_ Guest, _in a spirit of propitiation, prefers beer._) Well, +we could have managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never +so good to my mind in the pints--but please yourself, of course. +[_The_ Guest _feels that his moderation has missed fire, but dares +not retract; they sit in silence for some time, without anything of +importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and +carries away their bread-basket._ + +_A Meek Man_ (_at an adjoining table, who, probably for family +reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline +nose and remarkably thick eyebrows._) You know, HORATIA, I call this +sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air, +eh? [_He rubs his hands under the table._ + +_Horatia_ (_acidly_). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when we _do_ have it. At +present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but +fresh air and small flies, and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon +myself, why-- [_She fans herself vigorously._ + +_Augustus_. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trout +_en papillotes_ might take some little time. I suppose (_with mild +Jocularity_)--it's a fashionable fish--wants to come in with a "little +head sunning over with curls," as the poet says. + +_Horatia_. Please don't make jokes of that sort--unless you wish to +destroy the little appetite I have left! + +_Augustus_ (_penitently_). Never mind--I won't do it again. Here 's +our Waiter at last. _Now_ we're all right! [_The_ Waiter _puts a dish +down upon another table, and advances with the air of a family friend +who brings bad tidings._ + +_Horatia_. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once? + +_The Waiter_ (_bending down to_ AUGUSTUS _with pity and sympathy_). +Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting, +bot (_thinks how he can break it most gently_) ve haf zo many beople +hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more +drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay! + +_Augustus_ (_mildly_). No, of course not--well, let me see, now, what +can you--? + +_The E.A._ Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? What the-- + +_Waiter_ (_to_ AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (_To_ +E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes? + +_The E.A._ (_exploding_). My bill! Confound it! I want something to +eat first. When is that Bisque coming? + +_Waiter_. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your +Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [_He goes._ + +_Horatia_. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I +suppose you mean to do _something_, AUGUSTUS? + +_Augustus_. Of course--certainly. I shall speak very strongly. +(_Bleating_.) Waiter! + +_Horatia_ (_with scorn_). _Do_ you imagine they will pay the least +attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Lot them see you _insist_ +upon being obeyed. + +_Augustus_. I am--I mean, I will--I am very much annoyed. +(_Fiercely_.) Wa-ai-ter! + +_A Stern Waiter_ (_appearing suddenly_.) You vant somsing, Sir? + +_Augustus_ (_apologetically_). Yes; we should--er--like something to +eat--anything--so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't mind. +"We--this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time +already, you see. + +_The Waiter_. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your +Vaiter. [_He vanishes._ + +_The E.A_. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at +last! (_A_ Waiter _appears with a tureen, which he uncovers._) Here, +what do you call _this?_ + +_Waiter_. Groûte au Bot--you order him, yes? No? I dake him away! [_He +whisks it away, to the chagrin of_ Guest, _who thought it smelt nice._ + +The E.A_. I ordered Bisque--where is it? and I want some wine, too--a +pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they're not here very soon, +I'll-- + +_The Guest_ (_trying to make the best of things_). Nothing for it but +patience, I suppose. + +_The E.A._ (_with intention_). I had very little of _that_ left before +I sat down, I can tell you! + +_A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner._ Waiter, could you spare me one +moment of your valuable time? (_The_ Waiter _halts irresolutely._) It +is so long since I had the pleasure of speaking to you, that you may +possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I +ventured to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de terre +with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea how much +longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime +enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the +favour of a penny roll, if I am not trespassing too much upon your +good-nature? [_The_ Waiter, _in a state of extreme mystification and +alarm, departs to inform the_ Manager. + +_The E.A.'s Waiter_ (_reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne +bottle and glass of lager._) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you +zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson. [_He bows with +well-bred concern._ + +_The E.A_. Confound it all! (_To_ Guest.) Here, _you'd_ better take +this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? Well, Bisque _is_ apt to +disagree with some people. (_To_ Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring +this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (_He +busies himself with his Bisque, while the_ Guest, _in pure absence +of mind, drinks the champagne with which the_ Waiter _has filled his +glass._) Here, what are you doing? _I_ didn't order lager. (_Perceives +the mistake_.) Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (_To_ Guest.) +All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. +(_To_ W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager stuff away. +(_Exit_ W.; _the unfortunate_ Guest, _in attempting to pass the +bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup._) Hullo, what +the--there--(_controlling himself_). You might have left me the +_soup_, at all events! Well--well--it's no use saying any more about +it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day. + +[_General tumult from several tables; appeals to the_ Waiters, _who +lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue_; +HORATIA _threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at +a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; +explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous production +of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes +in._ + +N.B.--_Mr. Punch_ wishes it to be understood that the above sketch +is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular +restaurants existing at present in either exhibition. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND MILITARY.--"Ancient Lights."--Retired Lancers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.] + + * * * * * + +MEDICINAL MUSIC. + +(_A Growl from a "Quiet Street."_) + + ["There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon + a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in + cases of mental and bodily disease."--_Daily Telegraph_.] + + Curative Music? Just as well expect + An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon! + Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect + Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ; + A febrifuge in a flat German Band, + A prophylactic in a street-piano! + Some quackery a man _can_ understand, + But Music I'll _not_ take, even _cum grano_. + I don't believe what classic noodles say, + That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES; + That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play + From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses. + I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls + Were twangled into place by young Amphion. + Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls? + Not _mine_, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion. + Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs--_all_ are bad. + And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity. + Stop, though! _I_'m sane, and they just drive me mad; + So Music _may_ drive _idiots_ into sanity! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A SMOKING CONCERT. + +_Distinguished Amateur_ (_with good Method but small Voice, suddenly +jumping up from Piano_). "LOOK HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD +FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!" + +_Algy_. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN--AWFULLY SORRY--DIDN'T KNOW YOU _WERE_ +SINGING, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23_, 12'15 A.M.--House just +adjourned; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous +danger. Been at it through greater part of night debating Second +Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech +of fiery eloquence. The SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to +J.A.P. without an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his +voice and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, +as ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy +supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The SQUIRE, though +not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear a rival in the +oratorical field. Had things turned out differently to-night, he might +have enjoyed the advantage of addressing House at this favourable +hour, whilst its withers were yet unwrung. + +[Illustration: Sir Algernon.] + +But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's strategy for +nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education Bill appeared on the +paper, he romped in, and put down Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't +mean to move it; doesn't move it; but he gets first place in principal +Debate of Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous +argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration. + +It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident +arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CRANBORNE suddenly +got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. had bowled him and others +over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, +and the HOPE of HATFIELD determined he would collar that. Had the +Motion for Adjournment been accepted, he would, in accordance with +usage, have opened the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, +and in the mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of +an hour. + +"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech." + +All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest withal; not the +person to argue with his pastors and masters. So resumed his seat. If +they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak through the +quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listening Senate and +the waiting world would never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As +the SPEAKER gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he +had exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his thesis +at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate +without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak +now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the Debate was concerned. +This was awkward; but no help for it; so CRANBORNE plunged in and +talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done_.--Second Reading of Education Bill moved. + +_Tuesday_.--Another night with Education Bill. Position rather +peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation +of the measure; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the +infant slumbers gives it a sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist +gets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which +Conservatives been led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night +made capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly declares +his regret that good Tories should be asked to support principles +which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed at General +Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and persuasively attempts to stem +this growing torrent of discontent. "The change of opinion on this +side of the House," he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, +clutching at an imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an +impalpable brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times +have altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"--and here ADDISON, +like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,--"to adapt +themselves to the necessities of the case." + +JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind ADDISON, had +no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years I've sat in this +House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that time have seen measures +which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to +denounce, cordially received by our Leaders and passed into law. For +my part, I cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might +eat of it now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, +it becomes a little monotonous." + +OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone off, +and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Street, find +written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten Minutes." That's +all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD +MORALITY comes not. But he sometimes communicates with his most +intimate friends. Have this morning a note from him. + +"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find you well +as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in +pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance to be just now. Some +people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the +merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in charge of the Free Education Bill +is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a commencement. +Now I've started I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse +my not mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, +I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and Country, +and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they may sit. If you want to write to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, +England.' I have reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of +the Post Office under the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the +missive thus directed will not fail to reach its destination." + +_Business done_.--On Second Reading of Education Bill. + +_Thursday_.--An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When +he was here, we used to call him LONG LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her +MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must behave to him as such. + +"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as friendly as if he +were still at the Bar. + +"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a Parliamentary Hand to +be inveigled into familiarity by his unassuming manner. + +Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the +learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called +in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. is absent on sick +leave--not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have +it. OLD MORALITY back to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final +effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also +absent; news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic +accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" from +Brighton to Steyning. + +"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had been +committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the +one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade +pursuit." + +[Illustration: Long Lawrence.] + +At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. +Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail: "The +ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL drove away in the +direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the whip and reins." + +"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She always takes +the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the trick's done." + +SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the +Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, +and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end. + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read Second +Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of +honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. DERBY brought +down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst +ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY seized opportunity to read his speech +over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly carried out +intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages +in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, +who sat near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he +whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and JOAN, +you know; but won't do here." + +DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn came, +when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud. + +_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health Bill in +Commons. + + * * * * * + +MISS NOMER. + +[Illustration: Tree in _Hamlet_.] + +Now why was _The Dancing Girl_ ever called _The Dancing Girl_ at +all? As a matter of fact she never did dance, and from last week's +advertisements we find that she has been "running" ever since her +first appearance. Now she's off for another run in the provinces, and +then back again. Quite a theatrical illustration of the sporting term +"running in and out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces +he is to appear as the _Prince of Denmark_. + + * * * * * + +THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY. + +(_Arranged in Question and Answer Form._) + +_Question_. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army +(especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who +obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing? + +_Answer_. Indeed you may. + +_Q._ And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the +scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the "Sappers") +were rather looked down upon than otherwise? + +_A._ Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, +and not through money-bags. + +_Q._ And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establishment has +been reduced from 275 to 68? + +_A._ A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain number +of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down +from the left shoulder. + +_Q._ Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause you +also considerable loss? + +_A._ Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose that +once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing +he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentleman. + +_Q._ Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be +called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces? + +_A._ Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified. + +_Q._ And do you not object to your condition generally? + +_A._ Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is _the_ burning +one of the hour! + +_Q._ And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of +the Army? + +_A_. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely +the consideration of the Authorities! + + * * * * * + +THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS. + +To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or +"_Plunketto_," as the name appears in the opera of _Marta_-- + +_Whether_ there cannot be some improvement made in that Despondent +Slough known as Rotten Row? + +[Illustration] + +_Whether_ Kensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their +charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two +good rides right across, and a few intersecting bridle-paths, after +the fashion of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of +the Row, which is getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and +more and more crowded every summer? + +_Whether_, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something +cannot be done in time for the season of 1892? + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. July 4, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + +***** This file should be named 13563-8.txt or 13563-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/5/6/13563/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/13563-8.zip b/old/13563-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d282a22 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-8.zip diff --git a/old/13563-h.zip b/old/13563-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c4d100 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h.zip diff --git a/old/13563-h/13563-h.htm b/old/13563-h/13563-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e8b87be --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/13563-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2389 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=us-ascii" /> + + <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 4, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + p { + text-align : justify; + } + blockquote { + text-align : justify; + } + h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 { + text-align : center; + } + pre { + font-size : 0.7em; + } + hr { + text-align : center; + width : 50%; + } + html > body hr { + margin-right : 25%; + margin-left : 25%; + width : 50%; + } + hr.full { + width : 100%; + } + html > body hr.full { + margin-right : 0%; + margin-left : 0%; + width : 100%; + } + hr.short { + text-align : center; + width : 20%; + } + html > body hr.short { + margin-right : 40%; + margin-left : 40%; + width : 20%; + } + .author { + text-align : right; + margin-right : 5%; + margin-top : 0em; + } + .bracket { + margin-left : 10%; + text-indent : -2em; + } + .center { + text-align : center; + } + .note { + margin-left : 10%; + margin-right : 10%; + font-size : 0.9em; + } + .scene { + margin-left : 5%; + text-indent : -1.5em; + } + span.pagenum { + position : absolute; + left : 1%; + right : 91%; + font-size : 8pt; + } + .poem { + margin-left : 10%; + margin-right : 10%; + margin-bottom : 1em; + text-align : left; + } + .poem .stanza { + margin : 1em 0; + } + .poem p { + margin : 0; + padding-left : 3em; + text-indent : -3em; + } + .poem p.i2 { + margin-left : 1em; + } + .poem p.i4 { + margin-left : 2em; + } + .poem p.i6 { + margin-left : 3em; + } + .poem p.i8 { + margin-left : 4em; + } + .poem p.i10 { + margin-left : 5em; + } + .poem p.i16 { + margin-left : 8em; + } + .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft { + padding : 1em; + margin : 0; + text-align : center; + font-size : 0.8em; + } + .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img { + border : none; + } + .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p { + margin : 0; + text-indent : 1em; + } + .figcenter { + margin : auto; + } + .figright { + float : right; + } + .figleft { + float : left; + } + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. +July 4, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. July 4, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 30, 2004 [EBook #13563] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 4, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" + id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/001.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/001.png" + alt="Volume 101" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>URBI ET ORBI.</h3> + + <p>Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory + congratulations on the occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this + opportunity of informing his friends—which means + Everybody Everywhere—that the 50th anniversary of his + natal day is July 18 <i>prox.</i>, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby + gives full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone + Everywhere to keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, + and to the utmost of their ability, just exactly what best + pleases them.</p> + + <p class="author">PUNCH.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE CHANTREY BEQUEST À LA MODE DE LISLE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to + veto any pictures purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that + did not meet with their approval."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="scene">SCENE—<i>A Studio in the Royal Academy. + The</i> President <i>and several</i> Members of the Council + <i>waiting arrival of Government to inspect their most recent + purchase.</i></p> + + <p><i>President</i> (<i>with assumed joviality</i>). Well, my + dear Colleagues, I do not think exception <i>can</i> be taken + to this composition. Simple and effective, is it not?</p> + + <p><i>First Member of Council</i> (<i>gloomily</i>). Oh, you + never know! I think we ought to have opposed the admission of + the Cabinet—what should <i>they</i> know about Art?</p> + + <p><i>Second Mem</i>. (<i>drily</i>). Enough to make speeches + at the annual dinner—to which they wouldn't come if we + snubbed them.</p> + + <p><i>First Mem</i>. What of that? I am sure the President is + quite eloquent enough to stand alone.</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>with a graceful bow</i>). You are most + kind. But, hush! here comes Lord SALISBURY!</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Enter the</i> PRIME MINISTER. <i>Cordial + greetings.</i></p> + + <p><i>Premier</i> (<i>briskly</i>). I am sure you will forgive + me if I get through this quickly. (<i>Looking at picture.</i>) + Hm! Yes, very nice; but <i>did</i> EDWARD the Black Prince wear + his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure I refrain from appearing + in mine under similar circumstances. (<i>To</i> Pres.) Do you + think the Artist could paint it out?</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. I feel sure he will do everything in his power + to satisfy your Lordship's artistic instincts.</p> + + <p><i>Premier</i>. Just so.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Exit</i> R. <i>when enter</i> FIRST LORD + of the TREASURY, L.</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>greeting new-comer cordially</i>). Most + glad to see you, my dear Right Hon. Sir!</p> + + <p><i>First Lord</i>. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am + always anxious to do my duty to my Queen and Country. + (<i>Gazing at picture.</i>) Hm! Not bad! But, I say, I do know + something of yachting, and that isn't the way to brace up the + marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main jibboom three + points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture a + suggestion—hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! + A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will + think of the matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice <i>is</i> + a little superfluous. Why here is the HOME SECRETARY.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>Enter that august personage—mutual + greeting.</i></p> + + <p><i>Home Sec</i>. (<i>examining picture</i>). Yes, very nice. + Just my idea of what a historical picture <i>should</i> be! + Sea-view very fair indeed, and I think that the suggestion of + the presentation at Court is also extremely neat. The Black + Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER CROMWELL, but then that + is a detail that will not challenge particular attention. I + like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens—very good, indeed! + But why should a scene of this great historical importance be + laid in Charing Cross during a labour demonstration?</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>frankly</i>). I cannot say that I have + looked up all my authorities, but I do not think our friend + would allow himself to be wrong on so important a point.</p> + + <p><i>Home Sec</i>. Well, I think it would be in better taste + if the Artist cut out that stampede of police—it is not + true to nature! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. There <i>may</i> be something in what he says, + but I do wish these amateurs would keep their suggestions to + themselves.</p> + + <p class="bracket"><i>Enter</i> FIRST LORD of the + ADMIRALTY.</p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>cordially</i>). My dear Lord, delighted to + see you—what do you think of it?</p> + + <p><i>First Lord</i>. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right + has the Artist to put the white ensign on the top of that + light-house? It's against the regulations—they should be + flying the Trinity House flag—if anything. That + <i>must</i> come out, you know—it really must! + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. + Ah! the Secretary of State for War! (<i>Enter that + official</i>) Well, Mr. STANHOPE, and how do <i>you</i> like + the new purchase?</p> + + <p><i>War Minister</i> (<i>after, a glance at the canvas</i>). + Tol lol. But come, I say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat + like <i>that</i>! And, I say, as it isn't raining, why has he + put up his umbrella? In the cause of historical accuracy that + should not be allowed. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Pres</i>. (<i>drily</i>). I am afraid our friend will + have enough to do. (<i>Enter the remainder of the Cabinet + together</i>). Well, Gentlemen—hope you approve of our + purchase?</p> + + <p><i>Remainder</i> (<i>together</i>). Not at all. You should + have only bought the frame! [<i>Scene closes + in on the consideration of this new point.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/002-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/002-1.png" + alt="'MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS.'" /></a> + + <h3>"MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS."</h3>CHELSEA, JUNE, 1891. + FOUR BELL(E)S. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">[<i>Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King + HENRY'S "holy shade" on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of + the Foundation of Eton College.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To <i>Mr. Punch's</i> friends, who think he + blundered,</p> + + <p>In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred,</p> + + <p>And acted quite in error when he paid</p> + + <p>Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade,"</p> + + <p>A word of explanation now is due,</p> + + <p>To show how what he stated then was true.</p> + + <p>The word is this—that fifty years have now</p> + + <p>Elapsed since <i>Mr. Punch</i> first made his + bow;</p> + + <p>And though since then with many friends he's + parted,</p> + + <p>Himself he is as young as when he started.</p> + + <p>Just fifty years ago it now appears</p> + + <p>That fair Etona claimed four hundred years.</p> + + <p>Ungallant it had been if one had told her</p> + + <p>That <i>Mr. Punch</i> kept young whilst she grew + older!</p> + + <p>Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary</p> + + <p>Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY</p> + + <p>Became the founder of a Royal College—</p> + + <p>Well, <i>Mr. Punch</i> prefers to have no + knowledge.</p> + + <p>He only does not know—has never known a</p> + + <p>More worthy toast than "<i>Floreat Etona!</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The New Crusaders.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin + Journal, has given his consent to a lottery being + instituted throughout the Empire 'for combating the slave + trade in Africa.' Tickets to the amount of eight millions + of marks will be issued, five and a half millions of which + will be devoted to prizes."—<i>Daily Telegraph Berlin + Correspondent</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Might learn from WILHELM KAISER.</p> + + <p>They risked their lives in Paynim frays,</p> + + <p class="i2">We moderns have grown wiser.</p> + + <p>'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars</p> + + <p class="i2">To buttress Churches tottery;</p> + + <p>We, with the dice "financing" wars,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conduct Crusades—by Lottery!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>LIVE AND LEARN.—Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit + that the foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a + wheel" may bring the breaker woe.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/002-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/002-2.png" + alt="C-l-n-l N-rth as <i>Falstaff</i>." /> + </a> + + <p>C-l-n-l N-rth as <i>Falstaff</i>.</p> + + <p>L-rd C-l-r-dge as <i>Lord Chief Justice.</i></p> + + <p class="author">Henry the Fourth, Part II., Act ii., + Sc.</p> + </div> + + <p>Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the + architect of his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have + profited much by his architectural knowledge when applied to + house-building. The burly Colonel—we forget at this + moment what regiment is under his distinguished + command—has met many a great personage in his time, but, + like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian + Archbishop for the first time—St. Ambrose, we rather + think it was, but no matter—our bold Colonel had to climb + down a bit on coming face to face with the Lord Chief Justice + of England. What a cast for a scene out of <i>Henry the Fourth! + Falstaff</i>, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord COLERIDGE for the + <i>Lord Chief Justice</i>. The scene might be Part II., Act + ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to <i>Sir John</i>, "You + speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of + your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"—only for + "woman," read "architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE + should be the pre-surname of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. + What's in a name? Yet there's a good deal in the sound and look + of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up before the Lord Chief, who + must quite recently have got hold of quite a little library of + useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. NORTH'S money seems + to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that is, the + architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel + Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. + Never mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be + lucky.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK.</h3> + + <h4>I.—FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'How mad and bad and sad it was—</p> + + <p>But then, how it was sweet!"—BROWNING.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>II.—FOR MR. GLADSTONE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">"Et longa canoros</p> + + <p>Dant per colla modos."—VIRGIL.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>III.—FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD.</h4> + + <p>"Gaiter.—A covering for the leg."—ENGLISH + DICTIONARY.</p> + + <h4>IV.—FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD + WEATHER.</h4> + + <p>"They also serve who only stand and wait."—MILTON.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.—Hair PADDY REWSKI is a + pianofortist up to the time and tune of day. Knowing that + <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i> is now all the go, he keeps himself up + to date by performing the Musical Prodigy Son's, I mean + MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so effectively, + that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and much + obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played + <i>La Campanella</i>, Which I prefer to <i>Gentle Zitella</i>, + The Princess LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was + really looking uncommonly well considering the heat. Bravo, + PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</p> + + <h4>(FIRST LETTER—A.)</h4> + + <p>1.—<i>From Paddington to the first comma is a + comparatively slight stop.</i></p> + + <p>Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train + started from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless + ideas are suggested by this title, &c., &c. (<i>This + part I'll send to Daily Graphic.</i>)</p> + + <h4>REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY.</h4> + + <p>Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. + That's enough. "<i>Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais</i> as + MARLBROOK Junior I may say, "<i>Je reviendrai."</i> Politics to + the winds! or, colloquially, Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM + TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He + is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & Co."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/003-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/003-1.png" + alt="Officer" /></a> + </div> + + <h4>THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY.</h4> + + <p>Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A + BALFOUR—beg pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR—and + DRUMMY WOLFFY, and <i>De</i> GORSTIBUS <i>non disputandum</i> + ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a quartette, + though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a concerted + piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now—"Where am dat + barty now?"—I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting + correctly is not my <i>forte</i>. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; + he was the "barty" of our party, in the merry days of old. + Now—none of 'em here, and I with my ink-stand before me, + a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any amount of foolscap, + represent "the composition" of our party. I must get on with my + "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This is a + holiday task. One, two, three, off!—and away!</p> + + <h4>ALL ABROAD.</h4> + + <p>Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left + London, and are at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS + suggests these lines, to which I append my own translation. + BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin at Eton (I hear by private + wire that he admitted as much in his recent speech at the + fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, couldn't give + the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's + reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't + looking:—</p><br clear="all" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Ille terrarum mihi præter omnes</p> + + <p>Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto</p> + + <p>Melle decedunt, viridique certat</p> + + <p class="i10">Bacca Venafro.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Vir ubi longum tepidusque præbet</p> + + <p>Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon,</p> + + <p>Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis</p> + + <p class="i10">Invidet uvis."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Which translated means:—</p> + + <p>He, the Englishman (<i>Angulus</i>), beside me (that is, + "sitting on deck by my side") laughs at all people on shore + when he is quite certain (<i>certat</i>) that he can't get good + tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local tobacconist). (This) man + prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so soon hot, for, by + Jove, you'll burn yourself (<i>brumas</i>), and being a friend + of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who can + smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for + Falernian (<i>classic metaphor for Cape wine</i>).</p> + + <p>I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give + BALFOUR (the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a + steerer) a mile over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him + easily.</p> + + <h4>WHERE ARE WE NOW?</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/003-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/003-2.png" + alt="The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira." /> + </a>The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira. + </div> + + <p><i>En route</i>, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in + amiable temper—not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. + Chatsworth not in it with the smallest flower-and-kitchen + garden here. Dined at the "Brag"—short for Braganza. + Suddenly inspired—wrote drinking song:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Sancho Panza</i></p> + + <p>At Braganza,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quaffed no end of cup,</p> + + <p>But <i>Don Quixit</i></p> + + <p>Said "Don't mix it—</p> + + <p class="i2">Let us go and sup."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Have composed my own music to this—call it my musical + cup-yright. Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other + rates at sea, except pi-rates, and the rate we're now going + at—i.e., two knots an hour, and ties pay the dealer. + Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after the above symposium, + carried round the town to the air of "<i>Please to + Remember</i>," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything + too previous here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's + nowhere, except in some other places. This is the + meteorological or illogical rule, the "<i>Summa Lex</i>." Look + at my bearers! These are heads of the people, eh? Carried round + town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I <i>now</i> + look upon as my native place, or <i>the land of my + berth!</i></p> + + <h4>"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!"</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/003-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/003-3.png" + alt="ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, + was a worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned + by the poet as having done so; you remember—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Hope told a flattering tale;"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY + were here, and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate + place to pick up health. Every morning I climb the + maintop-gallant, plunge into the ocean, and out again in the + blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, grapple with fresh + lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he knows where he + is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. Excellent + lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and boiled! + Such a breakfast!</p> + + <h4>QUITE A TROPICAL SONG!</h4> + + <p>Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" + magnificent! Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's + fine. Splendid specimen of the "Boot-tree" (<i>Arbor + tegumenpedis</i>), and the quaint "Blacking-Brush Plant," + which is its invariable companion. No time to spare, + however—off again to the <i>Grantully Castle</i>, with + pockets full of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit + on them in boat. Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit + squash in your tail-coat pocket not so + refreshing.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <h4>CAPERING.</h4> + + <p>There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give + you my word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but + saw most of 'em through telescope before landing. There's an + old Town House and a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; + Museum, Library, with Manuscripts badly illuminated before the + discovery of gas; and as good a glass of Port (called here + "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH MARTIN, who first took + to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) as you'd wish to + get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for halfpence + in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral + wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined + them, and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they + said something in South-African, which the street Arabs here + speak to perfection, and which, I fancy, was both flattering + and apologetic. Called on CECIL, the Colossus of Rhodes, but he + was absent at the time. Fine place, the Cape. "Why," I asked + myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, Herne Bay, and + even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside place + as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it + before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, + they <i>won't strike out a line of their own</i>. [N.B.—I + must beg the Editor, when he gets this, not to strike out any + line of mine, <i>as it's business</i>, and means + advertisement.]</p> + + <h4>THE ODD TREK.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/004-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/004-1.png" + alt="Playing Poker" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, + and beat him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of + politeness; but at game No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew + a "trek" worth any three of his. He wanted to go about with me + after this, but he became such a Boer (that's the origin of our + word at home signifying "nuisance") that I cut him, and his + pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch races. Shall pick + up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not writing any + more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the <i>Daily + Graphic</i>, besides cramming and reading up for it far more + than ever I did at Oxford. However, the <i>jeu d'esprit</i> is + well worth the <i>chandelle</i>. You don't want much about + local politics—do you? If so, wire's the word, and I'm + there. Looking forward to see + <i>What-can-the-Matter-be-Land</i>, also SAM BEST, and other + old friends, with whose names, at least, the papers have + already made you familiar. Must be off now, as I've an + interview with the High Commissioner, who does all my business + for me at the native races. Obliged to give him twenty per + cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason why he + has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly + enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per + cent. on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." + Newmarket not in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, + adoo!" Mind you, I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for + all the country out here, "White to win in a few moves," [to + which I shall soon be able to put you up], and "Black not to + win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry work, scribbling; but + luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious fruit can be + had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use the + information, if he likes, till I return. <i>Au revoir!</i> + Yours ever,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/004-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/004-2.png" + alt="'Grandolph, the Explorer.' rendered in script." /> + </a> + </div><br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—AUTHORSHIP.—I should be glad to + know the name of a Publisher of repute who would be likely to + purchase for £1000 a first-rate Sensational Novel? I have + only written one chapter so far, but I have the plot in my + head, and I think a really able and energetic Publisher would + be able to judge of the work from a small specimen. Which was + the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT £5000 for + <i>Middlemarch?</i> I should like to go to them.—NO + JUGGINS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June.</i>—We had an immense + meeting here last night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We + had done our best to got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but + they all had some excuse or other, and we had to content + ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an Undersecretary, is the + next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. VULLIAMY came too. + A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being offended at + what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale + illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a + gentle protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could + to help me to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There + was considerable difficulty, as there always is, in + apportioning the various speeches, so as not to leave any of + the important local chiefs out of the proceedings. First of all + TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the proceedings. Then came a vote + of confidence in Her Majesty's Government, proposed by Colonel + CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To this CARDEW + responded.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/004-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/004-3.png" + alt="Free and Independent Elector." /></a>Free and + Independent Elector. + </div> + + <p>Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of + confidence in me, to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY + DIKES proposed a vote of thanks to the Chairman. This was + seconded by BLISSOP, and after a few cordial words from + TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the whole, everything went + off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a masterpiece. He + said:—</p> + + <p>"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the + private concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous + occasions I have had an opportunity of saying what I think of + your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I have known him for years. Ever + since I first met him, I have been more and more struck by the + extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in political + matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, and + his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a + brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But + what chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the + honourable uprightness of his character. The contest here will + be a fierce and determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a + Candidate as yours, it will be kept free from all personal + bitterness, and will be conducted in such a way that no breath + of suspicion will rest on the absolute and scrupulous legality + of everything that may be done. The conscience of the people + demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its suffrages, + and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice to + see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, + and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England + the greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have + advanced Billsbury to a position of glorious prosperity which + other towns strive in vain to approach."</p> + + <p>This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had + followed his advice, I should have steeped myself in + illegality. But the cheers that greeted the speech were + deafening, the most enthusiastic coming from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, + and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with VULLIAMY'S + suggestions.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 4th.</i>—The <i>Meteor</i> is + furious about our meeting yesterday. It says, in a + leader:—"Do these gentlemen suppose that the froth blown + by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is + likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in + which the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? + We have nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his + youth, combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, + absolutely disqualifies him for the responsible post to which + his foolish ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, + which the vivid imagination of his supporters pictures as + crowding his table in the Temple. Let him join debating + societies, and learn how to speak in public; let him eat, + drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, do anything + except run the head which flattery has turned against the + sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice + in no unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take + it."</p> + + <p>The <i>Guardian</i> is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, + "has it been our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our + cause expounded with an eloquence so convincing. Mr. CARDEW + spoke, as he always does, with that sturdy good sense which has + not only made him a redoubtable foe in the House of Commons, + but has endeared his name to the masses of the English people. + Mr. VULLIAMY again showed himself a master of the great + questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while he + contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with + the wise, but generous economies, established by those who now + hold the reins of Government. Our popular and eloquent young + Candidate, Mr. PATTLE, showed himself not unworthy to take his + place side by side with the two great men we have mentioned + upon the Government benches. Rarely has any + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> meeting displayed greater + enthusiasm and unanimity. Our wretched opponents may well + hide their diminished heads. Another nail has been struck + into the coffin of the CHUBSONS, and the rest of the gang + whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the + last election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury + politics. They have earned their doom. <i>Sic semper + tyrannis!</i>"</p> + + <p>There's a curious paragraph in a little weekly sort of + Society rag published in Billsbury. It says:—"Mr. PATTLE + has prolonged his stay in Billsbury for some time. Can it + <i>all</i> be politics? I say nothing. But others have been + heard to whisper nothings which are sweet. What price bonnets?" + I suppose the idiot means to hint that there's something + between me and Miss PENFOLD? Hope MARY won't hear of this + rubbish.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</p> + + <h4>No. XXVI.—THE LADY SHOPKEEPER.</h4> + + <p>Ladies who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, + or to counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves + to the keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing + body. In times so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory + of a juvenile dowager, it was held by the high dry exponents of + aristocratic privilege that to touch trade, even when it + proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved hand, was to be + defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian Duchess. To + be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors + contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of + nobility sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it + upon a commercial foundation, and cementing it with the dower + of a "tradesman's" daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose + exclusive dust has long since been consigned to family vaults + with appropriate inscriptions, could have foreseen the dreadful + inroads of the trading spirit, if in a moment of prophetic + rapture they could have watched the painful decay of caste + which permits a lady to dabble in bonnets, to toy with the + making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a + dressmaker, and, horror of horrors, to send in bills to her + customers, surely they would have refrained from the tomb in + order to stem the tide of advancing demoralisation. But they + are dead, and we who remain are left to deal as best we may + with the uncompromising spirit of the age.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/005-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/005-1.png" + alt="Woman in profile" /></a> + </div> + + <p>It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a + Lady Shopkeeper that she should have been at one time both + affluent and socially distinguished. If to these qualities she + can add the supreme advantage of good looks and a modest + demeanour, her career is certain to be a prosperous and a rapid + one. If, finally, she has been mated to a husband who, having + long ago spent his own cash, contrives in a short time to run a + best on record through hers, if he is a good fellow of a sort, + with a capacity for making friends which is as large as his + generosity in staking money, she may be sure that no element + will be wanting to her success. It is of course unnecessary + that she should have served any apprenticeship to the trade + that she ultimately adopts. When, after some glittering seasons + of horses and footmen and brilliant parties, the crash comes + upon the little household, her friends will be called into + council. Some will recommend a retired life in a distant + suburb, where it is currently reported that £250 a year + may be made to play the part of £2,000 in the heart of + May Fair. Others will hint that governesses have been known, + after years of painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a + short old age; others, again, will dive into the storehouse of + their reminiscences, in order to produce for inspection the + well-known example of a colonel and his wife, who defied both + the fates and the rheumatism in the modest <i>pension</i> of a + Continental watering-place. All these suggestions, however, are + eventually put aside in favour of the advice that a shop should + be started, a <i>nom de commerce</i> adopted, and a circle of + friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertisement. After + these matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes + necessary to determine to what special branch the talents of + the prospective Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this + is accomplished, and in a few months more the world of fashion + may learn by private circular or public paragraph, that a new + competitor for its favours has been launched into commercial + activity under a sweetly symbolical name.</p> + + <p>After this everything depends upon the Lady herself. At + first everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round + her, and she may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that + the staunchest and truest are those of whom, in her days of + brilliant prosperity, she thought the least. But a + <i>succès d'estime</i> is soon exhausted. Unless she + conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her + goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends + in her accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after + their payment, her customers and her profits will fall away. + But if she attends strictly to business herself, or engages a + good business woman to assist her, and orders her affairs in + accordance with the dictates of a proper self-interest, she is + almost certain to do well, and to reap the reward of those who + face the world without flinching, and fight the battle of life + sturdily and with an honest purpose. Some painful moments may + fall to her lot. It may be that in a crowded assemblage of + wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the + dress-making art, torn into shreds under the clumsy heel of a + Cabinet Minister, or a Duchess may speak unkindly in her + hearing of her latest devices in floral decoration. Or, some + brainless nincompoop may, in his ignorance of her profession, + cast aspersions on the general character and behaviour of all + who keep shops. And it may be that friends, after a prolonged + period of non-payment, will desert her, and speak ill of her + business. But she will be able to console herself for those and + similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the + world honours those who battle against ill-fortune without + complaint far above the needy crowd of spongers who strive to + batten without effort on the crumbs that fall from the tables + of the rich.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S VISIT TO THE CITY.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/005-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/005-2.png" + alt="Robert" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Well, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in + the old Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which + this year happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to + receive to Lunshon, quite in a frendly way, the Hemperer and + the Hempress of all GERMANY, not forgitting Hellygoland which + we so kindly guv 'em larst year, and, in addishun, about twenty + other princes and princesses from differing forren parts, as + has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do 'em honour, + and as if that wasn't quite enuff for one day, the noble Prince + of WHALES, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the + Royal Family, will be werry much "hall there" for to receeve + 'em and shew 'em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the + butiful Gildhall made into a bower of roses, and covered with + reel dammarsk tablecloths from top to bottom, and them all + covered with such a fairy-like Lunshon as makes my pore old + mouth water ony jest to think upon! There's one thing as I'm + afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be werry angry at, and + that is, as they ain't a going for to make him free of the + Citty, which is one of them grate honners as all the + celibryties of the World pines for. BROWN says it ain't + <i>commy fo</i>, as the French says, but BROWN don't know + everythink, tho' he is a trying his werry best to learn a few + German words in case the Hemperer asks him for sumthink to eat, + such as a little sour krowt. The best of the fun is that he + acshally spells sour, <i>sauer!</i> I ain't not a pertickler + good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of + sich a blunder as that.</p> + + <p>The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for + to look jest a little pail and worryed—and who can wunder + at it, for I'm told as they is amost torn to peaces with + applications for Tickets, tho they ony has two a-peace for + their friends, and won't have one for theirselves, but will + have to walk about all the time of the Lunch, with their long + sticks of office, to see as ewerybody xcept theirselves is nice + and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. And, torking of + drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore fellers! + who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in the + Citty, to taste all their werry best wines, and decide which, + of every kind and description, they shall select for their + himperial royal gests. Why it's amost enuff to give 'em all + hedakes for the rest of their nateral lives.</p> + + <p>I don't know of any further arrangements as is quite finally + settled, so praps I may have jest a few lines to add nex + week.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—A FIRST READING.—Would some + person kindly inform me of a good Recitation for a Smoking + Concert? I have been asked to recite "something telling" after + the annual banquet of a Club of local Licensed Victuallers. I + am thinking of the First Book of <i>Paradise Lost</i>. Or would + parts of <i>The Excursion</i> be more likely to create a + <i>furore</i>? I have never recited in public before, and feel + rather doubtful of my ability to "hold" the + Victuallers.—WILLING TO OBLIGE.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/006.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/006.png" + alt="GENTLE SATIRE." /></a> + + <h3>GENTLE SATIRE.</h3>"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A + OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"THE DILEMMA."</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>An old Irish Story newly + applied.</i>)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["On which horn of the dilemma will the + Gladstonians elect to stand?"—<i>Mr. Chamberlain, in + his controversy with Sir W. Harcourt on the place of Home + Rule in the Gladstonian programme.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p class="center"><i>Faithful Unionist Sentry, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is <i>the</i> + thing</p> + + <p class="i2">To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion + Socratic.</p> + + <p>I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting,</p> + + <p class="i2">The success of my bayonet-play is + emphatic.</p> + + <p>Remember a picture I once chanced to see,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Pompeian sentinel posed at a + portal,</p> + + <p>And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. + That's Me!</p> + + <p class="i2">As my country's defender, my fame is + immortal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, the Sentinel's <i>rôle</i> suits my style + passing well;</p> + + <p class="i2">The enemy won't find me napping or + nodding.</p> + + <p>But what I <i>most</i> like as I do sentry + spell,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the fine opportunity offered + for—prodding!</p> + + <p>I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do,</p> + + <p class="i2">With an eye like a hawk, and a smile + sweet as syrup;</p> + + <p>But when there's a chance for 'a + thrust—whirraroo!</p> + + <p class="i2">My bayonet-point is agog for a stir + up!</p> + + <p>JOE, the Sentry, you know, like <i>Joe Bagstock</i>, + is sly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ay, "devilish sly,"—if I may speak + profanely.</p> + + <p>That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering + there—why,</p> + + <p class="i2">The big burly Bobadil's acting + insanely.</p> + + <p>I <i>do</i> like to draw him. These ramparts are + mine,</p> + + <p class="i2">But because we're old comrades he cheeks + me. "Woa, EMMA!"</p> + + <p>As cads used to shout. I extremely incline</p> + + <p class="i2">To tickle him up with—a two-horned + Dilemma!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out + there</p> + + <p class="i2">With a—Snark; 'tis a Boojum which + shortly may vanish.</p> + + <p>Like <i>Frankenstein's</i>, his is a Monster, I + fear,</p> + + <p class="i2">He would—did he dare—be + delighted to banish.</p> + + <p>That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems</p> + + <p class="i2">A "handful" with which you are destined + to struggle,</p> + + <p>Which darkens your days as it haunts all your + dreams;</p> + + <p class="i2">Which you cannot get rid of by force or + by juggle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>You've got him, you say?</i> Well, then, bring + him along!</p> + + <p class="i2">Ha! ha! Says <i>"he can't!"</i> That's + exceedingly funny!</p> + + <p>It <i>is</i> very hard when your "captive"'s so + strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">He won't do your bidding for love or for + money.</p> + + <p>Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance.</p> + + <p class="i2">Like PAT'S prisoner—all know the + old Irish story—</p> + + <p>He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance.</p> + + <p class="i2">Such "prisoners" <i>do</i> mar their + conqueror's glory.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on + alone!"</i>—</p> + + <p class="i2">Eh! "Captive won't <i>let</i> you?" + That's just what I told you!</p> + + <p>Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown;</p> + + <p class="i2">He's got <i>you</i>, my friend, and, my + faith, he will <i>hold</i> you.</p> + + <p>'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again,</p> + + <p class="i2">Only you're the true PAT. You can't take + it <i>or</i> leave it.</p> + + <p>Your triumph was futile, your struggles are + vain;</p> + + <p class="i2">Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot + deceive it.</p> + + <p class="center">[<i>Left chortling, but still "on + duty."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"— SUCCESSION?</h3> + + <p class="center">"Supply—Army Estimates."</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>General FRASER—not a <i>phraser</i> + clearly—</p> + + <p>Military grumbling vents sincerely;</p> + + <p>House won't listen, and the cruel <i>Times</i></p> + + <p>Summarised his tale of woes and crimes,</p> + + <p>As—great CÆSAR!—"a few + observations."</p> + + <p>TANNER, always great on such occasions,</p> + + <p>Intimates that it is his impression</p> + + <p>Soldiers are "succeeding in succession"</p> + + <p>In the interest of more Expense.</p> + + <p>Well, "economists" make stir immense,</p> + + <p>But in spite of most Draconic manner,</p> + + <p>Hardly ever seem to <i>save</i>—a + "tanner."</p> + + <p>So that one is prone to think indeed,</p> + + <p>In succession they do + <i>not</i>—"succeed!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"A LEGGE UP."—The new Bishop of LICHFIELD.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/007.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/007.png" + alt="'THE DILEMMA.'" /></a> + + <h3>"THE DILEMMA."</h3>(<i>NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH + STORY</i>.) + + <p>H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!"</p> + + <p>CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!"</p> + + <p>H-RC-RT. "BUT HE <i>WON'T COME!</i>"</p> + + <p>CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!"</p> + + <p>H-RC-RT. "BUT <i>HE WON'T LET ME!!!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <!--blank page8--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>DILATORY DINNERS.</h3> + + <p class="scene">SCENE—<i>The Grounds of a certain + Exhibition. On this particular evening, there has been a slight + hitch in the culinary arrangements, and the relations between + the Chef and the Waiters are apparently strained. Enter an + Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and youthful + Guest.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Egotistic Amphitryon</i> (<i>concluding an + harangue</i>). Well, all <i>I</i>'ve got to say is I've been + here half-an-hour—(<i>with a bitter sense of the anomaly + of the situation</i>)—waiting about for <i>You!!</i> + (<i>They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the + verandah.</i>) Oh, you're going to sit <i>that</i> side, are + you? It's all the same to me, except that there's a confounded + draught here which—well, you're young, and these things + don't affect you—or oughtn't to. (<i>They exchange + sides.</i>) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we mean + to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly + told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter <i>presents a + carte, and stands by with a proud humility.</i>) Now, what are + you going to have? (<i>To</i> Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to + hear a man say he doesn't care what he eats—he + <i>ought</i> to care, he <i>must</i> care. What do you say to + this—"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce + Hollandaise; Brimborions de veau farcis à + l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New Potatoes; + Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (<i>To</i> Waiter.) Let us + have that as sharp as you can; do you hear?</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/009.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/009.png" + alt="Waiter and Diner" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Quick? Yes, I dell + zem. [<i>He hurries off.</i></p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! + (<i>To</i> Guest.) What will you drink?</p> + + <p><i>The Guest</i> (<i>thinks it will look greedy if he + suggests champagne</i>). Oh—er—whatever + <i>you're</i> going to drink.</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne + myself. I want it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer + (<i>considerately</i>), say so. (<i>The</i> Guest, <i>in a + spirit of propitiation, prefers beer.</i>) Well, we could have + managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never so good + to my mind in the pints—but please yourself, of + course.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The</i> Guest <i>feels that his + moderation has missed fire, but dares not retract; they sit in + silence for some time, without anything of importance + happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and carries + away their bread-basket.</i></p> + + <p><i>A Meek Man</i> (<i>at an adjoining table, who, probably + for family reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady + with an aquiline nose and remarkably thick eyebrows.</i>) You + know, HORATIA, I call this sort of thing very jolly, having + dinner like this in the fresh air, eh? [<i>He + rubs his hands under the table.</i></p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i> (<i>acidly</i>). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when + we <i>do</i> have it. At present we have been sitting here + fifteen minutes, and had nothing but fresh air and small flies, + and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon myself, why— + [<i>She fans herself vigorously.</i></p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i>. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned + that the trout <i>en papillotes</i> might take some little + time. I suppose (<i>with mild Jocularity</i>)—it's a + fashionable fish—wants to come in with a "little head + sunning over with curls," as the poet says.</p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i>. Please don't make jokes of that + sort—unless you wish to destroy the little appetite I + have left!</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i> (<i>penitently</i>). Never mind—I + won't do it again. Here 's our Waiter at last. <i>Now</i> we're + all right!</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The</i> Waiter <i>puts a dish down upon + another table, and advances with the air of a family friend who + brings bad tidings.</i></p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i>. Will you kindly let us have that trout at + once?</p> + + <p><i>The Waiter</i> (<i>bending down to</i> AUGUSTUS <i>with + pity and sympathy</i>). Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially + after keebin you so long vaiting, bot (<i>thinks how he can + break it most gently</i>) ve haf zo many beople hier to-day, + and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more drout. + Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay!</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i> (<i>mildly</i>). No, of course + not—well, let me see, now, what can you—?</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? + What the—</p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i> (<i>to</i> AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back + bresently. (<i>To</i> E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes?</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> (<i>exploding</i>). My bill! Confound it! I + want something to eat first. When is that Bisque coming?</p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all + day. Your Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. + [<i>He goes.</i></p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i>. Now we're farther off from getting any food + than ever! I suppose you mean to do <i>something</i>, + AUGUSTUS?</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i>. Of course—certainly. I shall speak + very strongly. (<i>Bleating</i>.) Waiter!</p> + + <p><i>Horatia</i> (<i>with scorn</i>). <i>Do</i> you imagine + they will pay the least attention to a noise like a sixpenny + toy? Lot them see you <i>insist</i> upon being obeyed.</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i>. I am—I mean, I will—I am very + much annoyed. (<i>Fiercely</i>.) Wa-ai-ter!</p> + + <p><i>A Stern Waiter</i> (<i>appearing suddenly</i>.) You vant + somsing, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Augustus</i> (<i>apologetically</i>). Yes; we + should—er—like something to + eat—anything—so long as you can bring it at once, + if you don't mind. "We—this Lady is rather in a hurry, + and we've waited some little time already, you see.</p> + + <p><i>The Waiter</i>. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I + send your Vaiter. [<i>He vanishes.</i></p> + + <p><i>The E.A</i>. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been + here! Ha! at last! (<i>A</i> Waiter <i>appears with a tureen, + which he uncovers.</i>) Here, what do you call <i>this?</i></p> + + <p><i>Waiter</i>. Groûte au Bot—you order him, yes? + No? I dake him away!</p> + + <p>[<i>He whisks it away, to the chagrin of</i> Guest, <i>who + thought it smelt nice.</i></p> + + <p>The E.A. I ordered Bisque—where is it? and I want some + wine, too—a pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If + they're not here very soon, I'll—</p> + + <p><i>The Guest</i> (<i>trying to make the best of things</i>). + Nothing for it but patience, I suppose.</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.</i> (<i>with intention</i>). I had very little + of <i>that</i> left before I sat down, I can tell you!</p> + + <p><i>A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner.</i> Waiter, could you + spare me one moment of your valuable time? (<i>The</i> Waiter + <i>halts irresolutely.</i>) It is so long since I had the + pleasure of speaking to you, that you may possibly have + forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I ventured + to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de + terre with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea + how much longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and + in the meantime enable me to support the pangs of starvation by + procuring me the favour of a penny roll, if I am not + trespassing too much upon your good-nature?</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>The</i> Waiter, <i>in a state of extreme + mystification and alarm, departs to inform the</i> Manager.</p> + + <p><i>The E.A.'s Waiter</i> (<i>reappearing with a small plated + bowl, champagne bottle and glass of lager.</i>) I regred fery + moch to haf to dell you zat zere is only shust enough Bisque + for von berson. [<i>He bows with well-bred + concern.</i></p> + + <p><i>The E.A</i>. Confound it all! (<i>To</i> Guest.) Here, + <i>you'd</i> better take this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? + Well, Bisque <i>is</i> apt to disagree with some people. + (<i>To</i> Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring this gentleman + some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (<i>He busies + himself with his Bisque, while the</i> Guest, <i>in pure + absence of mind, drinks the champagne with which the</i> Waiter + <i>has filled his glass.</i>) Here, what are you doing? + <i>I</i> didn't order lager. (<i>Perceives the mistake</i>.) + Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (<i>To</i> Guest.) All + right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. + (<i>To</i> W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager + stuff away. (<i>Exit</i> W.; <i>the unfortunate</i> Guest, + <i>in attempting to pass the bottle, contrives to decant it + into his host's soup.</i>) Hullo, what + the—there—(<i>controlling himself</i>). You might + have left me the <i>soup</i>, at all events! + Well—well—it's no use saying any more about it. I + suppose I shall get something to eat some day.</p> + + <p class="bracket">[<i>General tumult from several tables; + appeals to the</i> Waiters, <i>who lose their heads and upbraid + one another in their own tongue</i>; HORATIA <i>threatens + bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at a Refreshment + Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; + explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous + production of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, + as Scene closes in.</i></p> + + <p>N.B.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> wishes it to be understood that + the above sketch is not intended as a reflection upon any of + the deservedly popular restaurants existing at present in + either exhibition.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LEGAL AND MILITARY.—"Ancient Lights."—Retired + Lancers.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/010.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/010.png" + alt="PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS." /></a> + + <h3>PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + + <h3>MEDICINAL MUSIC.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>A Growl from a "Quiet Street."</i>)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["There is a disposition just now to revive + discussion upon a very old subject, namely the curative + influence of Music in cases of mental and bodily + disease."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Curative Music? Just as well expect</p> + + <p class="i2">An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon!</p> + + <p>Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect</p> + + <p class="i2">Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ;</p> + + <p>A febrifuge in a flat German Band,</p> + + <p class="i2">A prophylactic in a street-piano!</p> + + <p>Some quackery a man <i>can</i> understand,</p> + + <p class="i2">But Music I'll <i>not</i> take, even + <i>cum grano</i>.</p> + + <p>I don't believe what classic noodles say,</p> + + <p class="i2">That Music stopped the hæmorrhage + of ULYSSES;</p> + + <p>That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play</p> + + <p class="i2">From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense + hisses.</p> + + <p>I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls</p> + + <p class="i2">Were twangled into place by young + Amphion.</p> + + <p>Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and + squalls?</p> + + <p class="i2">Not <i>mine</i>, though the lyre-thrumber + were Arion.</p> + + <p>Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs—<i>all</i> + are bad.</p> + + <p class="i2">And vocal fireworks are far worse than + vanity.</p> + + <p>Stop, though! <i>I</i>'m sane, and they just drive + me mad;</p> + + <p class="i2">So Music <i>may</i> drive <i>idiots</i> + into sanity!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/011-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/011-1.png" + alt="AT A SMOKING CONCERT." /></a> + + <h3>AT A SMOKING CONCERT.</h3> + + <p><i>Distinguished Amateur</i> (<i>with good Method but + small Voice, suddenly jumping up from Piano</i>). "LOOK + HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES + TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!"</p> + + <p><i>Algy</i>. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN—AWFULLY + SORRY—DIDN'T KNOW YOU <i>WERE</i> SINGING, YOU + KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23</i>, 12'15 + A.M.—House just adjourned; a little dazed by shock of + narrow escape from grievous danger. Been at it through greater + part of night debating Second Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS + 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech of fiery eloquence. The + SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to J.A.P. without + an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his voice and + his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, as + ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional + jealousy supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The + SQUIRE, though not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear + a rival in the oratorical field. Had things turned out + differently to-night, he might have enjoyed the advantage of + addressing House at this favourable hour, whilst its withers + were yet unwrung.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/011-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/011-2.png" + alt="Sir Algernon." /></a>Sir Algernon. + </div> + + <p>But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's + strategy for nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education + Bill appeared on the paper, he romped in, and put down + Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't mean to move it; doesn't + move it; but he gets first place in principal Debate of + Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous + argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration.</p> + + <p>It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular + incident arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when + CRANBORNE suddenly got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. + had bowled him and others over in the earlier part of the + Sitting; but there was a second night, and the HOPE of HATFIELD + determined he would collar that. Had the Motion for Adjournment + been accepted, he would, in accordance with usage, have opened + the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, and in the + mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of an + hour.</p> + + <p>"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech."</p> + + <p>All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest + withal; not the person to argue with his pastors and masters. + So resumed his seat. If they wanted to use up the time, let + some one else speak through the quarter of an hour. Had things + been so left, the listening Senate and the waiting world would + never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As the SPEAKER + gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he had + exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his + thesis at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the + Debate without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But + he must speak now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the + Debate was concerned. This was awkward; but no help for it; so + CRANBORNE plunged in and talked up to midnight, when the Debate + stood adjourned.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Second Reading of Education Bill + moved.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Another night with Education Bill. + Position rather peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in + state of frantic adulation of the measure; and yet everyone + passing the cradle in which the infant slumbers gives it a sly + pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist gets up and honestly + denounces a Bill embodying principle which Conservatives been + led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night made + capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly + declares his regret that good Tories should be asked to support + principles which they, under their present Leaders, violently + opposed at General Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and + persuasively attempts to stem this growing torrent of + discontent. "The change of opinion on this side of the House," + he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, clutching at an + imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an impalpable + brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times have + altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"—and here ADDISON, + like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly + swelled,—"to adapt themselves to the necessities of the + case."</p> + + <p>JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind + ADDISON, had no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years + I've sat in this House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that + time have seen measures which we Conservatives have been + encouraged, almost instructed, to denounce, cordially received + by our Leaders and passed into law. For my part, I cannot + flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might eat of it + now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, it + becomes a little + monotonous."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <p>OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. + Gone off, and wisely left no address. People walking along + Downing Street, find written over the door at the Treasury, + "Back in Ten Minutes." That's all; neither date nor hour + specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD MORALITY comes not. But + he sometimes communicates with his most intimate friends. Have + this morning a note from him.</p> + + <p>"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find + you well as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine + have fallen in pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance + to be just now. Some people are inclined to deny me the faculty + of humour. But I think the merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in + charge of the Free Education Bill is pretty well for a + beginner. Everything must have a commencement. Now I've started + I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse my not + mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, + I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and + Country, and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in + whatever part of the House they may sit. If you want to write + to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, England.' I have reason to believe + that so perfect is the machinery of the Post Office under the + direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the missive thus + directed will not fail to reach its destination."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—On Second Reading of Education + Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—An old acquaintance looked in at + Lobby to-night. When he was here, we used to call him LONG + LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must + behave to him as such.</p> + + <p>"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as + friendly as if he were still at the Bar.</p> + + <p>"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a + Parliamentary Hand to be inveigled into familiarity by his + unassuming manner.</p> + + <p>Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain + to the learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce + been called in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. + is absent on sick leave—not keeping out of the way of + Education Bill, as some will have it. OLD MORALITY back + to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final effort to elude + discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also absent; + news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic + accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" + from Brighton to Steyning.</p> + + <p>"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had + been committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot + in the one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller + precautions to evade pursuit."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/012-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/012-1.png" + alt="Long Lawrence." /></a>Long Lawrence. + </div> + + <p>At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured + often before. Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, + the detail: "The ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL + drove away in the direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the + whip and reins."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She + always takes the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the + trick's done."</p> + + <p>SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, + observant of the Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest + Session ever lived through, and chiefly anxious to bring it to + an end.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase + Bill read Second Time, after series of essays delivered by half + dozen Peers. Point of honour not to take less than one hour in + delivery. DERBY brought down his contribution nicely written + out on quarter sheets. Whilst ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY + seized opportunity to read his speech over to himself. This all + very well if he had strictly carried out intention, but, when + he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages in an audible + voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, who sat + near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he + whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and + JOAN, you know; but won't do here."</p> + + <p>DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn + came, when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Irish Land Bill through Lords; + Public Health Bill in Commons.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MISS NOMER.</h3> + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/012-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/012-2.png" + alt="Tree in <i>Hamlet</i>." /></a>Tree in + <i>Hamlet</i>. + </div> + + <p>Now why was <i>The Dancing Girl</i> ever called <i>The + Dancing Girl</i> at all? As a matter of fact she never did + dance, and from last week's advertisements we find that she has + been "running" ever since her first appearance. Now she's off + for another run in the provinces, and then back again. Quite a + theatrical illustration of the sporting term "running in and + out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces he is to + appear as the <i>Prince of Denmark</i>.</p> + <br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY.</h3> + + <p>(<i>Arranged in Question and Answer Form.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Question</i>. I may take it that the backbone of the + British Army (especially in the time of peace) are those + commissioned warriors who obtained admission to the Service by + paying for their footing?</p> + + <p><i>Answer</i>. Indeed you may.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And, at the time when these warriors were + admitted, I fancy the scientific branches of the Force (the + "Gunners" and the "Sappers") were rather looked down upon than + otherwise?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Certainly, for you see they obtained their + Commissions by brains, and not through money-bags.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And now you have to complain that the Generals' + Establishment has been reduced from 275 to 68?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a + certain number of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, + instead of hanging down from the left shoulder.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> Does not promotion by selection, instead of + seniority, cause you also considerable loss?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right + to suppose that once gazetted he would go up to the top of the + tree, always supposing he was able to pay his way like an + officer and a gentleman.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> Is it not also sad that Officers who accept + half-pay should be called upon to serve in the Auxiliary + Forces?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And do you not object to your condition + generally?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is + <i>the</i> burning one of the hour!</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And what do you think of other matters affecting + the welfare of the Army?</p> + + <p><i>A</i>. That they are merely details that can safely wait + indefinitely the consideration of the Authorities!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS.</h3> + + <p>To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or + "<i>Plunketto</i>," as the name appears in the opera of + <i>Marta</i>—</p> + + <p><i>Whether</i> there cannot be some improvement made in that + Despondent Slough known as Rotten Row?</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/012-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/012-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Whether</i> Kensington Gardens, now sacred to + nursery-maids and their charges, and a few loungers, couldn't + be opened up with one or two good rides right across, and a few + intersecting bridle-paths, after the fashion of the Bois de + Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of the Row, which is + getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and more and + more crowded every summer?</p> + + <p><i>Whether</i>, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, + something cannot be done in time for the season of + 1892?</p><br clear="all" /> + <hr class="full" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="margin-bottom:8em"> + <img src="images/pointer.png" + alt="pointer" /> + </div> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. July 4, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + +***** This file should be named 13563-h.htm or 13563-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/5/6/13563/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/001.png b/old/13563-h/images/001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..940ce11 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/001.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/001a.png b/old/13563-h/images/001a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6fe3ce --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/001a.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/002-1.png b/old/13563-h/images/002-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d04e49e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/002-1.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/002-2.png b/old/13563-h/images/002-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd0d333 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/002-2.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/003-1.png b/old/13563-h/images/003-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ffd7f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/003-1.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/003-2.png b/old/13563-h/images/003-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52400d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/003-2.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/003-3.png b/old/13563-h/images/003-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..90f6001 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/003-3.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/004-1.png b/old/13563-h/images/004-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4fc79f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/004-1.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/004-2.png b/old/13563-h/images/004-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..68fa237 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/004-2.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/004-3.png b/old/13563-h/images/004-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e7b29f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/004-3.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/005-1.png b/old/13563-h/images/005-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0235a14 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/005-1.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/005-2.png b/old/13563-h/images/005-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9747424 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/005-2.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/006.png b/old/13563-h/images/006.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cbcaca --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/006.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/007.png b/old/13563-h/images/007.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5a4ca5 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/007.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/009.png b/old/13563-h/images/009.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..241f348 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/009.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/010.png b/old/13563-h/images/010.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ee79c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/010.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/011-1.png b/old/13563-h/images/011-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ac10b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/011-1.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/011-2.png b/old/13563-h/images/011-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6ba85a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/011-2.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/012-1.png b/old/13563-h/images/012-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf59064 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/012-1.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/012-2.png b/old/13563-h/images/012-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e27231e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/012-2.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/012-3.png b/old/13563-h/images/012-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0c6353 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/012-3.png diff --git a/old/13563-h/images/pointer.png b/old/13563-h/images/pointer.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6309484 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563-h/images/pointer.png diff --git a/old/13563.txt b/old/13563.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc32142 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1728 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. +July 4, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101. July 4, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 30, 2004 [EBook #13563] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 4, 1891. + + + + + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +URBI ET ORBI. + +Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory congratulations on the +occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this opportunity of informing his +friends--which means Everybody Everywhere--that the 50th anniversary +of his natal day is July 18 _prox._, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby gives +full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone Everywhere to +keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, and to the utmost of +their ability, just exactly what best pleases them. + +PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANTREY BEQUEST A LA MODE DE LISLE. + + ["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to veto any pictures + purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that did not meet with + their approval."--_Daily Paper._] + +SCENE--_A Studio in the Royal Academy. The_ President _and several_ +Members of the Council _waiting arrival of Government to inspect their +most recent purchase._ + +_President_ (_with assumed joviality_). Well, my dear Colleagues, I +do not think exception _can_ be taken to this composition. Simple and +effective, is it not? + +_First Member of Council_ (_gloomily_). Oh, you never know! I think we +ought to have opposed the admission of the Cabinet--what should _they_ +know about Art? + +_Second Mem_. (_drily_). Enough to make speeches at the annual +dinner--to which they wouldn't come if we snubbed them. + +_First Mem_. What of that? I am sure the President is quite eloquent +enough to stand alone. + +_Pres_. (_with a graceful bow_). You are most kind. But, hush! here +comes Lord SALISBURY! + +_Enter the_ PRIME MINISTER. _Cordial greetings._ + +_Premier_ (_briskly_). I am sure you will forgive me if I get through +this quickly. (_Looking at picture._) Hm! Yes, very nice; but _did_ +EDWARD the Black Prince wear his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure +I refrain from appearing in mine under similar circumstances. (_To_ +Pres.) Do you think the Artist could paint it out? + +_Pres_. I feel sure he will do everything in his power to satisfy your +Lordship's artistic instincts. + +_Premier_. Just so. + +[_Exit_ R. _when enter_ FIRST LORD of the TREASURY, L. + +_Pres_. (_greeting new-comer cordially_). Most glad to see you, my +dear Right Hon. Sir! + +_First Lord_. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am always anxious +to do my duty to my Queen and Country. (_Gazing at picture._) Hm! Not +bad! But, I say, I do know something of yachting, and that isn't the +way to brace up the marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main +jibboom three points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture +a suggestion--hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! A bird in +the hand is worth two in the bush. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will think of the +matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice _is_ a little superfluous. +Why here is the HOME SECRETARY. + +[_Enter that august personage--mutual greeting._ + +_Home Sec_. (_examining picture_). Yes, very nice. Just my idea of +what a historical picture _should_ be! Sea-view very fair indeed, +and I think that the suggestion of the presentation at Court is +also extremely neat. The Black Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER +CROMWELL, but then that is a detail that will not challenge particular +attention. I like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens--very good, indeed! +But why should a scene of this great historical importance be laid in +Charing Cross during a labour demonstration? + +_Pres_. (_frankly_). I cannot say that I have looked up all my +authorities, but I do not think our friend would allow himself to be +wrong on so important a point. + +_Home Sec_. Well, I think it would be in better taste if the Artist +cut out that stampede of police--it is not true to nature! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. There _may_ be something in what he says, but I do wish these +amateurs would keep their suggestions to themselves. + +_Enter_ FIRST LORD of the ADMIRALTY. + +_Pres_. (_cordially_). My dear Lord, delighted to see you--what do you +think of it? + +_First Lord_. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right has the Artist +to put the white ensign on the top of that light-house? It's against +the regulations--they should be flying the Trinity House flag--if +anything. That _must_ come out, you know--it really must! [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. Ah! the +Secretary of State for War! (_Enter that official_) Well, Mr. +STANHOPE, and how do _you_ like the new purchase? + +_War Minister_ (_after, a glance at the canvas_). Tol lol. But come, I +say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat like _that_! And, I say, +as it isn't raining, why has he put up his umbrella? In the cause of +historical accuracy that should not be allowed. [_Exit._ + +_Pres_. (_drily_). I am afraid our friend will have enough to do. +(_Enter the remainder of the Cabinet together_). Well, Gentlemen--hope +you approve of our purchase? + +_Remainder_ (_together_). Not at all. You should have only bought the +frame! [_Scene closes in on the consideration of this new point._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS." + +CHELSEA, JUNE, 1891. FOUR BELL(E)S.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS. + + [_Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King HENRY'S "holy shade" + on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of the Foundation of Eton + College._] + + To _Mr. Punch's_ friends, who think he blundered, + In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred, + And acted quite in error when he paid + Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade," + A word of explanation now is due, + To show how what he stated then was true. + The word is this--that fifty years have now + Elapsed since _Mr. Punch_ first made his bow; + And though since then with many friends he's parted, + Himself he is as young as when he started. + Just fifty years ago it now appears + That fair Etona claimed four hundred years. + Ungallant it had been if one had told her + That _Mr. Punch_ kept young whilst she grew older! + Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary + Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY + Became the founder of a Royal College-- + Well, _Mr. Punch_ prefers to have no knowledge. + He only does not know--has never known a + More worthy toast than "_Floreat Etona!_" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CRUSADERS. + + ["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin Journal, has given his + consent to a lottery being instituted throughout the Empire + 'for combating the slave trade in Africa.' Tickets to the + amount of eight millions of marks will be issued, five and + a half millions of which will be devoted to prizes."--_Daily + Telegraph Berlin Correspondent_.] + + KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days, + Might learn from WILHELM KAISER. + They risked their lives in Paynim frays, + We moderns have grown wiser. + 'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars + To buttress Churches tottery; + We, with the dice "financing" wars, + Conduct Crusades--by Lottery! + + * * * * * + +LIVE AND LEARN.--Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit that the +foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a wheel" may bring +the breaker woe. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER. + +[Illustration: C-l-n-l N-rth as _Falstaff_. L-rd C-l-r-dge as _Lord +Chief Justice. Henry the Fourth_, Part II., Act ii., Sc.] + +Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the architect of +his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have profited much by his +architectural knowledge when applied to house-building. The burly +Colonel--we forget at this moment what regiment is under his +distinguished command--has met many a great personage in his time, +but, like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian Archbishop +for the first time--St. Ambrose, we rather think it was, but no +matter--our bold Colonel had to climb down a bit on coming face to +face with the Lord Chief Justice of England. What a cast for a scene +out of _Henry the Fourth! Falstaff_, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord +COLERIDGE for the _Lord Chief Justice_. The scene might be Part II., +Act ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to _Sir John_, "You +speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of your +reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"--only for "woman," read +"architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE should be the pre-surname +of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. What's in a name? Yet there's a +good deal in the sound and look of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up +before the Lord Chief, who must quite recently have got hold of +quite a little library of useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. +NORTH'S money seems to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that +is, the architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel +Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. Never +mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be lucky. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK. + +I.--FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE. + + 'How mad and bad and sad it was-- + But then, how it was sweet!"--BROWNING. + +II.--FOR MR. GLADSTONE. + + "Et longa canoros + Dant per colla modos."--VIRGIL. + +III.--FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD. + +"Gaiter.--A covering for the leg."--ENGLISH DICTIONARY. + +IV.--FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD WEATHER. + +"They also serve who only stand and wait."--MILTON. + + * * * * * + +AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.--Hair PADDY REWSKI is a pianofortist up to the +time and tune of day. Knowing that _L'Enfant Prodigue_ is now all +the go, he keeps himself up to date by performing the Musical Prodigy +Son's, I mean MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so +effectively, that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and +much obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played +_La Campanella_, Which I prefer to _Gentle Zitella_, The Princess +LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was really looking uncommonly well +considering the heat. Bravo, PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_By Our Own Grandolph._) + +(FIRST LETTER--A.) + +1.--_From Paddington to the first comma is a comparatively slight +stop._ + +Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train started +from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless ideas are +suggested by this title, &c., &c. (_This part I'll send to Daily +Graphic._) + +REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY. + +Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. That's +enough. "_Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais_ as MARLBROOK Junior I +may say, "_Je reviendrai."_ Politics to the winds! or, colloquially, +Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, +TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & +Co." + +[Illustration] + +THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY. + +Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A BALFOUR--beg +pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR--and DRUMMY WOLFFY, and _De_ GORSTIBUS +_non disputandum_ ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a +quartette, though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a +concerted piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now--"Where am dat +barty now?"--I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting correctly is +not my _forte_. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; he was the "barty" of our +party, in the merry days of old. Now--none of 'em here, and I with +my ink-stand before me, a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any +amount of foolscap, represent "the composition" of our party. I must +get on with my "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This +is a holiday task. One, two, three, off!--and away! + +ALL ABROAD. + +Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left London, and are +at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS suggests these lines, to +which I append my own translation. BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin +at Eton (I hear by private wire that he admitted as much in his recent +speech at the fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, +couldn't give the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's +reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't looking:-- + + "Ille terrarum mihi praeter omnes + Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto + Melle decedunt, viridique certat + Bacca Venafro. + + "Vir ubi longum tepidusque praebet + Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon, + Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis + Invidet uvis." + +Which translated means:-- + +He, the Englishman (_Angulus_), beside me (that is, "sitting on deck +by my side") laughs at all people on shore when he is quite certain +(_certat_) that he can't get good tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local +tobacconist). (This) man prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so +soon hot, for, by Jove, you'll burn yourself (_brumas_), and being +a friend of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who +can smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for +Falernian (_classic metaphor for Cape wine_). + +I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give BALFOUR +(the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a steerer) a mile +over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him easily. + +WHERE ARE WE NOW? + +[Illustration: The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira.] + +_En route_, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in amiable +temper--not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. Chatsworth not in it +with the smallest flower-and-kitchen garden here. Dined at the +"Brag"--short for Braganza. Suddenly inspired--wrote drinking song:-- + + _Sancho Panza_ + At Braganza, + Quaffed no end of cup, + But _Don Quixit_ + Said "Don't mix it-- + Let us go and sup." + +Have composed my own music to this--call it my musical cup-yright. +Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other rates at sea, except +pi-rates, and the rate we're now going at--i.e., two knots an hour, +and ties pay the dealer. Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after +the above symposium, carried round the town to the air of "_Please +to Remember_," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything too previous +here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's nowhere, except in +some other places. This is the meteorological or illogical rule, the +"_Summa Lex_." Look at my bearers! These are heads of the people, +eh? Carried round town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I +_now_ look upon as my native place, or _the land of my berth!_ + +"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!" + +[Illustration] + +Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, was a +worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned by the poet +as having done so; you remember-- + + "Hope told a flattering tale;" + +but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY were here, +and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate place to pick up +health. Every morning I climb the maintop-gallant, plunge into the +ocean, and out again in the blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, +grapple with fresh lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he +knows where he is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. +Excellent lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and +boiled! Such a breakfast! + +QUITE A TROPICAL SONG! + +Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" magnificent! +Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's fine. Splendid +specimen of the "Boot-tree" (_Arbor tegumenpedis_), and the quaint +"Blacking-Brush Plant," which is its invariable companion. No time to +spare, however--off again to the _Grantully Castle_, with pockets full +of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit on them in boat. +Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit squash in your tail-coat +pocket not so refreshing. + +CAPERING. + +There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give you my +word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but saw most of +'em through telescope before landing. There's an old Town House and +a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; Museum, Library, with +Manuscripts badly illuminated before the discovery of gas; and as good +a glass of Port (called here "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH +MARTIN, who first took to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) +as you'd wish to get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for +halfpence in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral +wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined them, +and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something +in South-African, which the street Arabs here speak to perfection, and +which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on CECIL, +the Colossus of Rhodes, but he was absent at the time. Fine place, the +Cape. "Why," I asked myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, +Herne Bay, and even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside +place as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it +before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, they +_won't strike out a line of their own_. [N.B.--I must beg the Editor, +when he gets this, not to strike out any line of mine, _as it's +business_, and means advertisement.] + +THE ODD TREK. + +[Illustration] + +Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, and beat +him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness; but at game +No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a "trek" worth any three of +his. He wanted to go about with me after this, but he became such a +Boer (that's the origin of our word at home signifying "nuisance") +that I cut him, and his pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch +races. Shall pick up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not +writing any more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the +_Daily Graphic_, besides cramming and reading up for it far more than +ever I did at Oxford. However, the _jeu d'esprit_ is well worth the +_chandelle_. You don't want much about local politics--do you? If +so, wire's the word, and I'm there. Looking forward to see +_What-can-the-Matter-be-Land_, also SAM BEST, and other old friends, +with whose names, at least, the papers have already made you familiar. +Must be off now, as I've an interview with the High Commissioner, who +does all my business for me at the native races. Obliged to give him +twenty per cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason +why he has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly +enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per cent. +on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." Newmarket not +in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, adoo!" Mind you, +I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out +here, "White to win in a few moves," [to which I shall soon be able +to put you up], and "Black not to win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry +work, scribbling; but luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious +fruit can be had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use +the information, if he likes, till I return. _Au revoir!_ Yours ever, + +[Illustration: Transcriber's Note: "Grandolph, the Explorer." +rendered in script.] + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--AUTHORSHIP.--I should be glad to know the name of +a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for L1000 a +first-rate Sensational Novel? I have only written one chapter so +far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and +energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a +small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT L5000 for +_Middlemarch?_ I should like to go to them.--NO JUGGINS. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June._--We had an immense meeting here last +night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to +got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse +or other, and we had to content ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an +Undersecretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. +VULLIAMY came too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being +offended at what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale +illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a gentle +protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me +to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was considerable +difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, +so as not to leave any of the important local chiefs out of +the proceedings. First of all TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the +proceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty's +Government, proposed by Colonel CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To +this CARDEW responded. + +[Illustration: Free and Independent Elector.] + +Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, +to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY DIKES proposed a vote of +thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by BLISSOP, and after a +few cordial words from TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the +whole, everything went off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a +masterpiece. He said:-- + +"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private +concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have had +an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I +have known him for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more +and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in +political matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, +and his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a +brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But what +chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable +uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and +determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it +will be kept free from all personal bitterness, and will be conducted +in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute +and scrupulous legality of everything that may be done. The conscience +of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its +suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice +to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, +and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the +greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury +to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain +to approach." + +This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had followed +his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But the cheers +that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthusiastic coming +from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with +VULLIAMY'S suggestions. + +_Wednesday, June 4th._--The _Meteor_ is furious about our meeting +yesterday. It says, in a leader:--"Do these gentlemen suppose that the +froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is +likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in which +the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have +nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his youth, +combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely +disqualifies him for the responsible post to which his foolish +ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid +imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the +Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to speak in +public; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, +do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the +sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice in no +unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it." + +The _Guardian_ is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, "has it been +our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our cause expounded with +an eloquence so convincing. Mr. CARDEW spoke, as he always does, with +that sturdy good sense which has not only made him a redoubtable foe +in the House of Commons, but has endeared his name to the masses of +the English people. Mr. VULLIAMY again showed himself a master of the +great questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while +he contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with the +wise, but generous economies, established by those who now hold the +reins of Government. Our popular and eloquent young Candidate, Mr. +PATTLE, showed himself not unworthy to take his place side by side +with the two great men we have mentioned upon the Government benches. +Rarely has any meeting displayed greater enthusiasm and unanimity. Our +wretched opponents may well hide their diminished heads. Another nail +has been struck into the coffin of the CHUBSONS, and the rest of the +gang whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the last +election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury politics. They +have earned their doom. _Sic semper tyrannis!_" + +There's a curious paragraph in a little weekly sort of Society rag +published in Billsbury. It says:--"Mr. PATTLE has prolonged his stay +in Billsbury for some time. Can it _all_ be politics? I say nothing. +But others have been heard to whisper nothings which are sweet. +What price bonnets?" I suppose the idiot means to hint that there's +something between me and Miss PENFOLD? Hope MARY won't hear of this +rubbish. + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer._) + +NO. XXVI.--THE LADY SHOPKEEPER. + +Ladies who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, or to +counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves to the +keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing body. In times +so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory of a juvenile dowager, +it was held by the high dry exponents of aristocratic privilege that +to touch trade, even when it proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved +hand, was to be defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian +Duchess. To be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors +contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of nobility +sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it upon a commercial +foundation, and cementing it with the dower of a "tradesman's" +daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose exclusive dust has long +since been consigned to family vaults with appropriate inscriptions, +could have foreseen the dreadful inroads of the trading spirit, if +in a moment of prophetic rapture they could have watched the painful +decay of caste which permits a lady to dabble in bonnets, to toy with +the making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a dressmaker, +and, horror of horrors, to send in bills to her customers, surely +they would have refrained from the tomb in order to stem the tide of +advancing demoralisation. But they are dead, and we who remain are +left to deal as best we may with the uncompromising spirit of the age. + +[Illustration] + +It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a Lady +Shopkeeper that she should have been at one time both affluent and +socially distinguished. If to these qualities she can add the supreme +advantage of good looks and a modest demeanour, her career is certain +to be a prosperous and a rapid one. If, finally, she has been mated +to a husband who, having long ago spent his own cash, contrives in +a short time to run a best on record through hers, if he is a good +fellow of a sort, with a capacity for making friends which is as large +as his generosity in staking money, she may be sure that no element +will be wanting to her success. It is of course unnecessary that she +should have served any apprenticeship to the trade that she ultimately +adopts. When, after some glittering seasons of horses and footmen +and brilliant parties, the crash comes upon the little household, her +friends will be called into council. Some will recommend a retired +life in a distant suburb, where it is currently reported that L250 a +year may be made to play the part of L2,000 in the heart of May Fair. +Others will hint that governesses have been known, after years of +painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a short old age; others, +again, will dive into the storehouse of their reminiscences, in order +to produce for inspection the well-known example of a colonel and +his wife, who defied both the fates and the rheumatism in the modest +_pension_ of a Continental watering-place. All these suggestions, +however, are eventually put aside in favour of the advice that a +shop should be started, a _nom de commerce_ adopted, and a circle of +friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertisement. After these +matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes necessary +to determine to what special branch the talents of the prospective +Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this is accomplished, +and in a few months more the world of fashion may learn by private +circular or public paragraph, that a new competitor for its favours +has been launched into commercial activity under a sweetly symbolical +name. + +After this everything depends upon the Lady herself. At first +everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round her, and she +may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that the staunchest and +truest are those of whom, in her days of brilliant prosperity, she +thought the least. But a _succes d'estime_ is soon exhausted. Unless +she conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her +goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends in her +accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after their payment, +her customers and her profits will fall away. But if she attends +strictly to business herself, or engages a good business woman to +assist her, and orders her affairs in accordance with the dictates of +a proper self-interest, she is almost certain to do well, and to reap +the reward of those who face the world without flinching, and fight +the battle of life sturdily and with an honest purpose. Some painful +moments may fall to her lot. It may be that in a crowded assemblage +of wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the +dress-making art, torn into shreds under the clumsy heel of a Cabinet +Minister, or a Duchess may speak unkindly in her hearing of her latest +devices in floral decoration. Or, some brainless nincompoop may, +in his ignorance of her profession, cast aspersions on the general +character and behaviour of all who keep shops. And it may be that +friends, after a prolonged period of non-payment, will desert her, and +speak ill of her business. But she will be able to console herself for +those and similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the +world honours those who battle against ill-fortune without complaint +far above the needy crowd of spongers who strive to batten without +effort on the crumbs that fall from the tables of the rich. + + * * * * * + + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S VISIT TO THE CITY. + +[Illustration] + +Well, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in the old +Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which this year +happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to receive to Lunshon, +quite in a frendly way, the Hemperer and the Hempress of all GERMANY, +not forgitting Hellygoland which we so kindly guv 'em larst year, and, +in addishun, about twenty other princes and princesses from differing +forren parts, as has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do +'em honour, and as if that wasn't quite enuff for one day, the noble +Prince of WHALES, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the +Royal Family, will be werry much "hall there" for to receeve 'em and +shew 'em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the butiful Gildhall +made into a bower of roses, and covered with reel dammarsk tablecloths +from top to bottom, and them all covered with such a fairy-like +Lunshon as makes my pore old mouth water ony jest to think upon! +There's one thing as I'm afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be +werry angry at, and that is, as they ain't a going for to make him +free of the Citty, which is one of them grate honners as all the +celibryties of the World pines for. BROWN says it ain't _commy fo_, as +the French says, but BROWN don't know everythink, tho' he is a trying +his werry best to learn a few German words in case the Hemperer asks +him for sumthink to eat, such as a little sour krowt. The best of the +fun is that he acshally spells sour, _sauer!_ I ain't not a pertickler +good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of sich a +blunder as that. + +The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for to look +jest a little pail and worryed--and who can wunder at it, for I'm told +as they is amost torn to peaces with applications for Tickets, tho +they ony has two a-peace for their friends, and won't have one for +theirselves, but will have to walk about all the time of the +Lunch, with their long sticks of office, to see as ewerybody xcept +theirselves is nice and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. +And, torking of drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore +fellers! who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in +the Citty, to taste all their werry best wines, and decide which, +of every kind and description, they shall select for their himperial +royal gests. Why it's amost enuff to give 'em all hedakes for the rest +of their nateral lives. + +I don't know of any further arrangements as is quite finally settled, +so praps I may have jest a few lines to add nex week. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--A FIRST READING.--Would some person kindly inform +me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert? I have been asked to +recite "something telling" after the annual banquet of a Club of local +Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of _Paradise +Lost_. Or would parts of _The Excursion_ be more likely to create +a _furore_? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather +doubtful of my ability to "hold" the Victuallers.--WILLING TO OBLIGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENTLE SATIRE. + +"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE DILEMMA." + +(_An old Irish Story newly applied._) + + ["On which horn of the dilemma will the Gladstonians elect + to stand?"--_Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir + W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstonian + programme._] + +_Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur_:-- + + Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is _the_ thing + To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic. + I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting, + The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic. + Remember a picture I once chanced to see, + A Pompeian sentinel posed at a portal, + And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. That's Me! + As my country's defender, my fame is immortal. + + Yes, the Sentinel's _role_ suits my style passing well; + The enemy won't find me napping or nodding. + But what I _most_ like as I do sentry spell, + Is the fine opportunity offered for--prodding! + I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do, + With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup; + But when there's a chance for 'a thrust--whirraroo! + My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up! + JOE, the Sentry, you know, like _Joe Bagstock_, is sly, + Ay, "devilish sly,"--if I may speak profanely. + That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering there--why, + The big burly Bobadil's acting insanely. + I _do_ like to draw him. These ramparts are mine, + But because we're old comrades he cheeks me. "Woa, EMMA!" + As cads used to shout. I extremely incline + To tickle him up with--a two-horned Dilemma! + + "Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out there + With a--Snark; 'tis a Boojum which shortly may vanish. + Like _Frankenstein's_, his is a Monster, I fear, + He would--did he dare--be delighted to banish. + That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems + A "handful" with which you are destined to struggle, + Which darkens your days as it haunts all your dreams; + Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle. + + _You've got him, you say?_ Well, then, bring him along! + Ha! ha! Says _"he can't!"_ That's exceedingly funny! + It _is_ very hard when your "captive"'s so strong, + He won't do your bidding for love or for money. + Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance. + Like PAT'S prisoner--all know the old Irish story-- + He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance. + Such "prisoners" _do_ mar their conqueror's glory. + + _"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on alone!"_-- + Eh! "Captive won't _let_ you?" That's just what I told you! + Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown; + He's got _you_, my friend, and, my faith, he will _hold_ you. + 'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again, + Only you're the true PAT. You can't take it _or_ leave it. + Your triumph was futile, your struggles are vain; + Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot deceive it. + +[_Left chortling, but still "on duty."_ + + * * * * * + +"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"-- SUCCESSION? + +"Supply--Army Estimates." + + General FRASER--not a _phraser_ clearly-- + Military grumbling vents sincerely; + House won't listen, and the cruel _Times_ + Summarised his tale of woes and crimes, + As--great CAESAR!--"a few observations." + TANNER, always great on such occasions, + Intimates that it is his impression + Soldiers are "succeeding in succession" + In the interest of more Expense. + Well, "economists" make stir immense, + But in spite of most Draconic manner, + Hardly ever seem to _save_--a "tanner." + So that one is prone to think indeed, + In succession they do _not_--"succeed!" + + * * * * * + +"A LEGGE UP."--The new Bishop of LICHFIELD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE DILEMMA." + +(_NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY_.) + +H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT HE _WON'T COME!_" + +CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!" + +H-RC-RT. "BUT _HE WON'T LET ME!!!_"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +DILATORY DINNERS. + +SCENE--_The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular +evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrangements, +and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently +strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and +youthful Guest._ + +_The Egotistic Amphitryon_ (_concluding an harangue_). Well, all +_I_'ve got to say is I've been here half-an-hour--(_with a bitter +sense of the anomaly of the situation_)--waiting about for _You!!_ +(_They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the +verandah._) Oh, you're going to sit _that_ side, are you? It's all the +same to me, except that there's a confounded draught here which--well, +you're young, and these things don't affect you--or oughtn't to. +(_They exchange sides._) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we +mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly +told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter _presents a carte, and +stands by with a proud humility._) Now, what are you going to have? +(_To_ Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care +what he eats--he _ought_ to care, he _must_ care. What do you say +to this--"Potage Bisque d'ecrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise; +Brimborions de veau farcis a l'imprevu; Ducklings and green peas; New +Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (_To_ Waiter.) Let us +have that as sharp as you can; do you hear? + +[Illustration] + +_Waiter_. Quick? Yes, I dell zem. [_He hurries off._ + +_The E.A._ Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! (_To_ Guest.) +What will you drink? + +_The Guest_ (_thinks it will look greedy if he suggests champagne_). +Oh--er--whatever _you're_ going to drink. + +_The E.A._ Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want +it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (_considerately_), say +so. (_The_ Guest, _in a spirit of propitiation, prefers beer._) Well, +we could have managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never +so good to my mind in the pints--but please yourself, of course. +[_The_ Guest _feels that his moderation has missed fire, but dares +not retract; they sit in silence for some time, without anything of +importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and +carries away their bread-basket._ + +_A Meek Man_ (_at an adjoining table, who, probably for family +reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline +nose and remarkably thick eyebrows._) You know, HORATIA, I call this +sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air, +eh? [_He rubs his hands under the table._ + +_Horatia_ (_acidly_). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when we _do_ have it. At +present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but +fresh air and small flies, and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon +myself, why-- [_She fans herself vigorously._ + +_Augustus_. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trout +_en papillotes_ might take some little time. I suppose (_with mild +Jocularity_)--it's a fashionable fish--wants to come in with a "little +head sunning over with curls," as the poet says. + +_Horatia_. Please don't make jokes of that sort--unless you wish to +destroy the little appetite I have left! + +_Augustus_ (_penitently_). Never mind--I won't do it again. Here 's +our Waiter at last. _Now_ we're all right! [_The_ Waiter _puts a dish +down upon another table, and advances with the air of a family friend +who brings bad tidings._ + +_Horatia_. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once? + +_The Waiter_ (_bending down to_ AUGUSTUS _with pity and sympathy_). +Fery sory to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting, +bot (_thinks how he can break it most gently_) ve haf zo many beople +hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more +drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay! + +_Augustus_ (_mildly_). No, of course not--well, let me see, now, what +can you--? + +_The E.A._ Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? What the-- + +_Waiter_ (_to_ AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (_To_ +E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes? + +_The E.A._ (_exploding_). My bill! Confound it! I want something to +eat first. When is that Bisque coming? + +_Waiter_. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your +Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [_He goes._ + +_Horatia_. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I +suppose you mean to do _something_, AUGUSTUS? + +_Augustus_. Of course--certainly. I shall speak very strongly. +(_Bleating_.) Waiter! + +_Horatia_ (_with scorn_). _Do_ you imagine they will pay the least +attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Lot them see you _insist_ +upon being obeyed. + +_Augustus_. I am--I mean, I will--I am very much annoyed. +(_Fiercely_.) Wa-ai-ter! + +_A Stern Waiter_ (_appearing suddenly_.) You vant somsing, Sir? + +_Augustus_ (_apologetically_). Yes; we should--er--like something to +eat--anything--so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't mind. +"We--this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time +already, you see. + +_The Waiter_. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your +Vaiter. [_He vanishes._ + +_The E.A_. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at +last! (_A_ Waiter _appears with a tureen, which he uncovers._) Here, +what do you call _this?_ + +_Waiter_. Groute au Bot--you order him, yes? No? I dake him away! [_He +whisks it away, to the chagrin of_ Guest, _who thought it smelt nice._ + +The E.A_. I ordered Bisque--where is it? and I want some wine, too--a +pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they're not here very soon, +I'll-- + +_The Guest_ (_trying to make the best of things_). Nothing for it but +patience, I suppose. + +_The E.A._ (_with intention_). I had very little of _that_ left before +I sat down, I can tell you! + +_A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner._ Waiter, could you spare me one +moment of your valuable time? (_The_ Waiter _halts irresolutely._) It +is so long since I had the pleasure of speaking to you, that you may +possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I +ventured to express a preference for an Entrecote aux pommes de terre +with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea how much +longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime +enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the +favour of a penny roll, if I am not trespassing too much upon your +good-nature? [_The_ Waiter, _in a state of extreme mystification and +alarm, departs to inform the_ Manager. + +_The E.A.'s Waiter_ (_reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne +bottle and glass of lager._) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you +zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson. [_He bows with +well-bred concern._ + +_The E.A_. Confound it all! (_To_ Guest.) Here, _you'd_ better take +this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? Well, Bisque _is_ apt to +disagree with some people. (_To_ Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring +this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (_He +busies himself with his Bisque, while the_ Guest, _in pure absence +of mind, drinks the champagne with which the_ Waiter _has filled his +glass._) Here, what are you doing? _I_ didn't order lager. (_Perceives +the mistake_.) Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (_To_ Guest.) +All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. +(_To_ W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager stuff away. +(_Exit_ W.; _the unfortunate_ Guest, _in attempting to pass the +bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup._) Hullo, what +the--there--(_controlling himself_). You might have left me the +_soup_, at all events! Well--well--it's no use saying any more about +it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day. + +[_General tumult from several tables; appeals to the_ Waiters, _who +lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue_; +HORATIA _threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at +a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; +explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous production +of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes +in._ + +N.B.--_Mr. Punch_ wishes it to be understood that the above sketch +is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular +restaurants existing at present in either exhibition. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND MILITARY.--"Ancient Lights."--Retired Lancers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.] + + * * * * * + +MEDICINAL MUSIC. + +(_A Growl from a "Quiet Street."_) + + ["There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon + a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in + cases of mental and bodily disease."--_Daily Telegraph_.] + + Curative Music? Just as well expect + An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon! + Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect + Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ; + A febrifuge in a flat German Band, + A prophylactic in a street-piano! + Some quackery a man _can_ understand, + But Music I'll _not_ take, even _cum grano_. + I don't believe what classic noodles say, + That Music stopped the haemorrhage of ULYSSES; + That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play + From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses. + I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls + Were twangled into place by young Amphion. + Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls? + Not _mine_, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion. + Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs--_all_ are bad. + And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity. + Stop, though! _I_'m sane, and they just drive me mad; + So Music _may_ drive _idiots_ into sanity! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A SMOKING CONCERT. + +_Distinguished Amateur_ (_with good Method but small Voice, suddenly +jumping up from Piano_). "LOOK HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD +FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!" + +_Algy_. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN--AWFULLY SORRY--DIDN'T KNOW YOU _WERE_ +SINGING, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23_, 12'15 A.M.--House just +adjourned; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous +danger. Been at it through greater part of night debating Second +Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech +of fiery eloquence. The SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to +J.A.P. without an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his +voice and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, +as ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy +supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The SQUIRE, though +not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear a rival in the +oratorical field. Had things turned out differently to-night, he might +have enjoyed the advantage of addressing House at this favourable +hour, whilst its withers were yet unwrung. + +[Illustration: Sir Algernon.] + +But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's strategy for +nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education Bill appeared on the +paper, he romped in, and put down Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't +mean to move it; doesn't move it; but he gets first place in principal +Debate of Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous +argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration. + +It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident +arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CRANBORNE suddenly +got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. had bowled him and others +over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, +and the HOPE of HATFIELD determined he would collar that. Had the +Motion for Adjournment been accepted, he would, in accordance with +usage, have opened the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, +and in the mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of +an hour. + +"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech." + +All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest withal; not the +person to argue with his pastors and masters. So resumed his seat. If +they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak through the +quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listening Senate and +the waiting world would never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As +the SPEAKER gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he +had exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his thesis +at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate +without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak +now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the Debate was concerned. +This was awkward; but no help for it; so CRANBORNE plunged in and +talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done_.--Second Reading of Education Bill moved. + +_Tuesday_.--Another night with Education Bill. Position rather +peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation +of the measure; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the +infant slumbers gives it a sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist +gets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which +Conservatives been led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night +made capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly declares +his regret that good Tories should be asked to support principles +which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed at General +Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and persuasively attempts to stem +this growing torrent of discontent. "The change of opinion on this +side of the House," he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, +clutching at an imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an +impalpable brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times +have altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"--and here ADDISON, +like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,--"to adapt +themselves to the necessities of the case." + +JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind ADDISON, had +no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years I've sat in this +House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that time have seen measures +which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to +denounce, cordially received by our Leaders and passed into law. For +my part, I cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might +eat of it now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, +it becomes a little monotonous." + +OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone off, +and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Street, find +written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten Minutes." That's +all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD +MORALITY comes not. But he sometimes communicates with his most +intimate friends. Have this morning a note from him. + +"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find you well +as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in +pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance to be just now. Some +people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the +merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in charge of the Free Education Bill +is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a commencement. +Now I've started I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse +my not mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, +I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and Country, +and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they may sit. If you want to write to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, +England.' I have reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of +the Post Office under the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the +missive thus directed will not fail to reach its destination." + +_Business done_.--On Second Reading of Education Bill. + +_Thursday_.--An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When +he was here, we used to call him LONG LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her +MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must behave to him as such. + +"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as friendly as if he +were still at the Bar. + +"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a Parliamentary Hand to +be inveigled into familiarity by his unassuming manner. + +Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the +learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called +in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. is absent on sick +leave--not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have +it. OLD MORALITY back to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final +effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also +absent; news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic +accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" from +Brighton to Steyning. + +"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had been +committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the +one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade +pursuit." + +[Illustration: Long Lawrence.] + +At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. +Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail: "The +ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL drove away in the +direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the whip and reins." + +"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She always takes +the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the trick's done." + +SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the +Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, +and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end. + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read Second +Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of +honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. DERBY brought +down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst +ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY seized opportunity to read his speech +over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly carried out +intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages +in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, +who sat near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he +whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and JOAN, +you know; but won't do here." + +DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn came, +when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud. + +_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health Bill in +Commons. + + * * * * * + +MISS NOMER. + +[Illustration: Tree in _Hamlet_.] + +Now why was _The Dancing Girl_ ever called _The Dancing Girl_ at +all? As a matter of fact she never did dance, and from last week's +advertisements we find that she has been "running" ever since her +first appearance. Now she's off for another run in the provinces, and +then back again. Quite a theatrical illustration of the sporting term +"running in and out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces +he is to appear as the _Prince of Denmark_. + + * * * * * + +THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY. + +(_Arranged in Question and Answer Form._) + +_Question_. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army +(especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who +obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing? + +_Answer_. Indeed you may. + +_Q._ And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the +scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the "Sappers") +were rather looked down upon than otherwise? + +_A._ Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, +and not through money-bags. + +_Q._ And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establishment has +been reduced from 275 to 68? + +_A._ A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain number +of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down +from the left shoulder. + +_Q._ Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause you +also considerable loss? + +_A._ Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose that +once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing +he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentleman. + +_Q._ Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be +called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces? + +_A._ Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified. + +_Q._ And do you not object to your condition generally? + +_A._ Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is _the_ burning +one of the hour! + +_Q._ And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of +the Army? + +_A_. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely +the consideration of the Authorities! + + * * * * * + +THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS. + +To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or +"_Plunketto_," as the name appears in the opera of _Marta_-- + +_Whether_ there cannot be some improvement made in that Despondent +Slough known as Rotten Row? + +[Illustration] + +_Whether_ Kensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their +charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two +good rides right across, and a few intersecting bridle-paths, after +the fashion of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of +the Row, which is getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and +more and more crowded every summer? + +_Whether_, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something +cannot be done in time for the season of 1892? + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101. July 4, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 101 *** + +***** This file should be named 13563.txt or 13563.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/5/6/13563/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/13563.zip b/old/13563.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7be62c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13563.zip |
