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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:42:22 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:42:22 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13541-0.txt b/13541-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f8654e --- /dev/null +++ b/13541-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7103 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13541 *** + +THE COLLECTED WORKS OF + + + +AMBROSE BIERCE + + + +VOLUME 1 + +1909 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + +THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW + THITHER + SONS OF THE FAIR STAR + AN INTERVIEW WITH GNARMAG-ZOTE + THE TAMTONIANS + MAROONED ON UG + THE DOG IN GANGEWAG + A CONFLAGRATION IN GHARGAROO + AN EXECUTION IN BATRUGIA + THE JUMJUM OF GOKEETLE-GUK + THE KINGDOM OF TORTIRRA + HITHER + +FOR THE AHKOOND + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + +BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY + ON A MOUNTAIN + WHAT I SAW OF SHILOH + A LITTLE OF CHICKAMAUCA + THE CRIME AT PICKETT'S MILL + FOUR DAYS IN DIXIE + WHAT OCCURRED AT FRANKLIN + 'WAY DOWN IN ALABAM' + WORKING FOR AN EMPRESS + ACROSS THE PLAINS + THE MIRAGE + A SOLE SURVIVOR + + + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + + + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + +AN HISTORICAL MONOGRAPH WRITTEN IN 4930 + + +Of the many causes that conspired to bring about the lamentable failure of +"self-government" in ancient America the most general and comprehensive +was, of course, the impracticable nature of the system itself. In the +light of modern culture, and instructed by history, we readily discern the +folly of those crude ideas upon which the ancient Americans based what +they knew as "republican institutions," and maintained, as long as +maintenance was possible, with something of a religious fervor, even when +the results were visibly disastrous. To us of to-day it is clear that the +word "self-government" involves a contradiction, for government means +control by something other than the thing to be controlled. When the thing +governed is the same as the thing governing there is no government, though +for a time there may be, as in the case under consideration there was, a +considerable degree of forbearance, giving a misleading appearance of +public order. This, however, soon must, as in fact it soon did, pass away +with the delusion that gave it birth. The habit of obedience to written +law, inculcated by generations of respect for actual government able to +enforce its authority, will persist for a long time, with an ever +lessening power upon the imagination of the people; but there comes a time +when the tradition is forgotten and the delusion exhausted. When men +perceive that nothing is restraining them but their consent to be +restrained, then at last there is nothing to obstruct the free play of +that selfishness which is the dominant characteristic and fundamental +motive of human nature and human action respectively. Politics, which may +have had something of the character of a contest of principles, becomes a +struggle of interests, and its methods are frankly serviceable to personal +and class advantage. Patriotism and respect for law pass like a tale that +is told. Anarchy, no longer disguised as "government by consent," reveals +his hidden hand, and in the words of our greatest living poet, + + lets the curtain fall, + And universal darkness buries all! + +The ancient Americans were a composite people; their blood was a blend of +all the strains known in their time. Their government, while they had one, +being merely a loose and mutable expression of the desires and caprices of +the majority--that is to say, of the ignorant, restless and reckless--gave +the freest rein and play to all the primal instincts and elemental +passions of the race. In so far and for so long as it had any restraining +force, it was only the restraint of the present over the power of the +past--that of a new habit over an old and insistent tendency ever seeking +expression in large liberties and indulgences impatient of control. In the +history of that unhappy people, therefore, we see unveiled the workings of +the human will in its most lawless state, without fear of authority or +care of consequence. Nothing could be more instructive. + +Of the American form of government, although itself the greatest of evils +afflicting the victims of those that it entailed, but little needs to be +said here; it has perished from the earth, a system discredited by an +unbroken record of failure in all parts of the world, from the earliest +historic times to its final extinction. Of living students of political +history not one professes to see in it anything but a mischievous creation +of theorists and visionaries--persons whom our gracious sovereign has +deigned to brand for the world's contempt as "dupes of hope purveying to +sons of greed." The political philosopher of to-day is spared the trouble +of pointing out the fallacies of republican government, as the +mathematician is spared that of demonstrating the absurdity of the +convergence of parallel lines; yet the ancient Americans not only clung to +their error with a blind, unquestioning faith, even when groaning under +its most insupportable burdens, but seem to have believed it of divine +origin. It was thought by them to have been established by the god +Washington, whose worship, with that of such _dii minores_ as Gufferson, +Jaxon and Lincon (identical probably with the Hebru Abrem) runs like a +shining thread through all the warp and woof of the stuff that garmented +their moral nakedness. Some stones, very curiously inscribed in many +tongues, were found by the explorer Droyhors in the wilderness bordering +the river Bhitt (supposed by him to be the ancient Potomac) as lately as +the reign of Barukam IV. These stones appear to be fragments of a monument +or temple erected to the glory of Washington in his divine character of +Founder and Preserver of republican institutions. If this tutelary deity +of the ancient Americans really invented representative government they +were not the first by many to whom he imparted the malign secret of its +inauguration and denied that of its maintenance. + +Although many of the causes which finally, in combination, brought about +the downfall of the great American republic were in operation from the +beginning--being, as has been said, inherent in the system--it was not +until the year 1995 (as the ancients for some reason not now known +reckoned time) that the collapse of the vast, formless fabric was +complete. In that year the defeat and massacre of the last army of law and +order in the lava beds of California extinguished the final fires of +enlightened patriotism and quenched in blood the monarchical revival. +Thenceforth armed opposition to anarchy was confined to desultory and +insignificant warfare waged by small gangs of mercenaries in the service +of wealthy individuals and equally feeble bands of prescripts fighting for +their lives. In that year, too, "the Three Presidents" were driven from +their capitals, Cincinnati, New Orleans and Duluth, their armies +dissolving by desertion and themselves meeting death at the hands of the +populace. + +The turbulent period between 1920 and 1995, with its incalculable waste of +blood and treasure, its dreadful conflicts of armies and more dreadful +massacres by passionate mobs, its kaleidoscopic changes of government and +incessant effacement and redrawing of boundaries of states, its +interminable tale of political assassinations and proscriptions--all the +horrors incident to intestinal wars of a naturally lawless race--had so +exhausted and dispirited the surviving protagonists of legitimate +government that they could make no further head against the inevitable, +and were glad indeed and most fortunate to accept life on any terms that +they could obtain. + +But the purpose of this sketch is not bald narration of historic fact, but +examination of antecedent germinal conditions; not to recount calamitous +events familiar to students of that faulty civilization, but to trace, as +well as the meager record will permit, the genesis and development of the +causes that brought them about. Historians in our time have left little +undone in the matter of narration of political and military phenomena. In +Golpek's "Decline and Fall of the American Republics," in Soseby's +"History of Political Fallacies," in Holobom's "Monarchical Renasence," +and notably in Gunkux's immortal work, "The Rise, Progress, Failure and +Extinction of The Connected States of America" the fruits of research have +been garnered, a considerable harvest. The events are set forth with such +conscientiousness and particularity as to have exhausted the possibilities +of narration. It remains only to expound causes and point the awful moral. + +To a delinquent observation it may seem needless to point out the inherent +defects of a system of government which the logic of events has swept like +political rubbish from the face of the earth, but we must not forget that +ages before the inception of the American republics and that of France and +Ireland this form of government had been discredited by emphatic failures +among the most enlightened and powerful nations of antiquity: the Greeks, +the Romans, and long before them (as we now know) the Egyptians and the +Chinese. To the lesson of these failures the founders of the eighteenth +and nineteenth century republics were blind and deaf. Have we then reason +to believe that our posterity will be wiser because instructed by a +greater number of examples? And is the number of examples which they will +have in memory really greater? Already the instances of China, Egypt, +Greece and Rome are almost lost in the mists of antiquity; they are known, +except by infrequent report, to the archæologist only, and but dimly and +uncertainly to him. The brief and imperfect record of yesterdays which we +call History is like that traveling vine of India which, taking new root +as it advances, decays at one end while it grows at the other, and so is +constantly perishing and finally lost in all the spaces which it has +over-passed. + +From the few and precious writings that have descended to us from the +early period of the American republic we get a clear if fragmentary view +of the disorders and lawlessness affecting that strange and unhappy +nation. Leaving the historically famous "labor troubles" for more extended +consideration, we may summarize here a few of the results of hardly more +than a century and a quarter of "self-government" as it existed on this +continent just previously to the awful end. At the beginning of the +"twentieth century" a careful study by trustworthy contemporary +statisticians of the public records and those apparently private ones +known as "newspapers" showed that in a population of about 80,000,000 the +annual number of homicides was not less than 10,000; and this continued +year after year to increase, not only absolutely, but proportionately, +until, in the words of Dumbleshaw, who is thought to have written his +famous "Memoirs of a Survivor" in the year 1908 of their era, "it would +seem that the practice of suicide is a needless custom, for if a man but +have patience his neighbor is sure to put him out of his misery." Of the +10,000 assassins less than three per cent. were punished, further than by +incidental imprisonment if unable to give bail while awaiting trial. If +the chief end of government is the citizen's security of life and his +protection from aggression, what kind of government do these appalling +figures disclose? Yet so infatuated with their imaginary "liberty" were +these singular people that the contemplation of all this crime abated +nothing of the volume and persistence of their patriotic ululations, and +affected not their faith in the perfection of their system. They were like +a man standing on a rock already submerged by the rising tide, and calling +to his neighbors on adjacent cliffs to observe his superior security. + +When three men engage in an undertaking in which they have an equal +interest, and in the direction of which they have equal power, it +necessarily results that any action approved by two of them, with or +without the assent of the third, will be taken. This is called--or was +called when it was an accepted principle in political and other +affairs--"the rule of the majority." Evidently, under the malign +conditions supposed, it is the only practicable plan of getting anything +done. A and B rule and overrule C, not because they ought, but because +they can; not because they are wiser, but because they are stronger. In +order to avoid a conflict in which he is sure to be worsted, C submits as +soon as the vote is taken. C is as likely to be right as A and B; nay, +that eminent ancient philosopher, Professor Richard A. Proctor (or +Proroctor, as the learned now spell the name), has clearly shown by the +law of probabilities that any one of the three, all being of the same +intelligence, is far likelier to be right than the other two. + +It is thus that the "rule of the majority" as a political system is +established. It is in essence nothing but the discredited and +discreditable principle that "might makes right"; but early in the life of +a republic this essential character of government by majority is not seen. +The habit of submitting all questions of policy to the arbitrament of +counting noses and assenting without question to the result invests the +ordeal with a seeming sanctity, and what was at first obeyed as the +command of power comes to be revered as the oracle of wisdom. The +innumerable instances--such as the famous ones of Galileo and Keeley--in +which one man has been right and all the rest of the race wrong, are +overlooked, or their significance missed, and "public opinion" is followed +as a divine and infallible guide through every bog into which it blindly +stumbles and over every precipice in its fortuitous path. Clearly, sooner +or later will be encountered a bog that will smother or a precipice that +will crush. Thoroughly to apprehend the absurdity of the ancient faith in +the wisdom of majorities let the loyal reader try to fancy our gracious +Sovereign by any possibility wrong, or his unanimous Ministry by any +possibility right! + +During the latter half of the "nineteenth century" there arose in the +Connected States a political element opposed to all government, which +frankly declared its object to be anarchy. This astonishing heresy was not +of indigenous growth: its seeds were imported from Europe by the +emigration or banishment thence of criminals congenitally incapable of +understanding and valuing the blessings of monarchical institutions, and +whose method of protest was murder. The governments against which they +conspired in their native lands were too strong in authority and too +enlightened in policy for them to overthrow. Hundreds of them were put to +death, thousands imprisoned and sent into exile. But in America, whither +those who escaped fled for safety, they found conditions entirely +favorable to the prosecution of their designs. + +A revered fetish of the Americans was "freedom of speech": it was believed +that if bad men were permitted to proclaim their evil wishes they would go +no further in the direction of executing them--that if they might say what +they would like to do they would not care to do it. The close relation +between speech and action was not understood. Because the Americans +themselves had long been accustomed, in their own political debates and +discussions, to the use of unmeaning declamations and threats which they +had no intention of executing, they reasoned that others were like them, +and attributed to the menaces of these desperate and earnest outcasts no +greater importance than to their own. They thought also that the foreign +anarchists, having exchanged the tyranny of kings for that of majorities, +would be content with their new and better lot and become in time good and +law-abiding citizens. + +The anarchist of that far day (thanks to the firm hands of our gracious +sovereigns the species is now extinct) was a very different person from +what our infatuated ancestors imagined him. He struck at government, not +because it was bad, but because it was government. He hated authority, not +for its tyranny, but for its power. And in order to make this plain to +observation he frequently chose his victim from amongst those whose rule +was most conspicuously benign. + +Of the seven early Presidents of the American republic who perished by +assassination no fewer than four were slain by anarchists with no personal +wrongs to impel them to the deed--nothing but an implacable hostility to +law and authority. The fifth victim, indeed, was a notorious demagogue who +had pardoned the assassin of the fourth. + +The field of the anarchist's greatest activity was always a republic, not +only to emphasize his impartial hatred of all government, but because of +the inherent feebleness of that form of government, its inability to +protect itself against any kind of aggression by any considerable number +of its people having a common malevolent purpose. In a republic the crust +that confined the fires of violence and sedition was thinnest. + +No improvement in the fortunes of the original anarchists through +immigration to what was then called the New World would have made them +good citizens. From centuries of secret war against particular forms of +authority in their own countries they had inherited a bitter antagonism to +all authority, even the most beneficent. In their new home they were worse +than in their old. In the sunshine of opportunity the rank and sickly +growth of their perverted natures became hardy, vigorous, bore fruit. They +surrounded themselves with proselytes from the ranks of the idle, the +vicious, the unsuccessful. They stimulated and organized discontent. Every +one of them became a center of moral and political contagion. To those as +yet unprepared to accept anarchy was offered the milder dogma of +Socialism, and to those even weaker in the faith something vaguely called +Reform. Each was initiated into that degree to which the induration of his +conscience and the character of his discontent made him eligible, and in +which he could be most serviceable, the body of the people still cheating +themselves with the false sense of security begotten of the belief that +they were somehow exempt from the operation of all agencies inimical to +their national welfare and integrity. Human nature, they thought, was +different in the West from what it was in the East: in the New World the +old causes would not have the old effects: a republic had some inherent +vitality of its own, entirely independent of any action intended to keep +it alive. They felt that words and phrases had some talismanic power, and +charmed themselves asleep by repeating "liberty," "all men equal before +the law," "dictates of conscience," "free speech" and all manner of such +incantation to exorcise the spirits of the night. And when they could no +longer close their eyes to the dangers environing them; when they saw at +last that what they had mistaken for the magic power of their form of +government and its assured security was really its radical weakness and +subjective peril--they found their laws inadequate to repression of the +enemy, the enemy too strong to permit the enactment of adequate laws. The +belief that a malcontent armed with freedom of speech, a newspaper, a vote +and a rifle is less dangerous than a malcontent with a still tongue in his +head, empty hands and under police surveillance was abandoned, but all too +late. From its fatuous dream the nation was awakened by the noise of arms, +the shrieks of women and the red glare of burning cities. + +Beginning with the slaughter at St. Louis on a night in the year 1920, +when no fewer than twenty-two thousand citizens were slain in the streets +and half the city destroyed, massacre followed massacre with frightful +rapidity. New York fell in the month following, many thousands of its +inhabitants escaping fire and sword only to be driven into the bay and +drowned, "the roaring of the water in their ears," says Bardeal, +"augmented by the hoarse clamor of their red-handed pursuers, whose +blood-thirst was unsated by the sea." A week later Washington was +destroyed, with all its public buildings and archives; the President and +his Ministry were slain, Congress was dispersed, and an unknown number of +officials and private citizens perished. Of all the principal cities only +Chicago and San Francisco escaped. The people of the former were all +anarchists and the latter was valorously and successfully defended by the +Chinese. + +The urban anarchists were eventually subdued and some semblance of order +was restored, but greater woes and sharper shames awaited this unhappy +nation, as we shall see. + +In turning from this branch of our subject to consider the causes of the +failure and bloody disruption of the great American republic other than +those inherent in the form of government, it may not be altogether +unprofitable to glance briefly at what seems to a superficial view the +inconsistent phenomenon of great material prosperity. It is not to be +denied that this unfortunate people was at one time singularly prosperous, +in so far as national wealth is a measure and proof of prosperity. Among +nations it was the richest nation. But at how great a sacrifice of better +things was its wealth obtained! By the neglect of all education except +that crude, elementary sort which fits men for the coarse delights of +business and affairs but confers no capacity of rational enjoyment; by +exalting the worth of wealth and making it the test and touchstone of +merit; by ignoring art, scorning literature and despising science, except +as these might contribute to the glutting of the purse; by setting up and +maintaining an artificial standard of morals which condoned all offenses +against the property and peace of every one but the condoner; by +pitilessly crushing out of their natures every sentiment and aspiration +unconnected with accumulation of property, these civilized savages and +commercial barbarians attained their sordid end. Before they had rounded +the first half-century of their existence as a nation they had sunk so low +in the scale of morality that it was considered nothing discreditable to +take the hand and even visit the house of a man who had grown rich by +means notoriously corrupt and dishonorable; and Harley declares that even +the editors and writers of newspapers, after fiercely assailing such men +in their journals, would be seen "hobnobbing" with them in public places. +(The nature of the social ceremony named the "hobnob" is not now +understood, but it is known that it was a sign of amity and favor.) When +men or nations devote all the powers of their minds and bodies to the +heaping up of wealth, wealth is heaped up. But what avails it? It may not +be amiss to quote here the words of one of the greatest of the ancients +whose works--fragmentary, alas--have come down to us. + +"Wealth has accumulated itself into masses; and poverty, also in +accumulation enough, lies impassably separated from it; opposed, +uncommunicating, like forces in positive and negative poles. The gods of +this lower world sit aloft on glittering thrones, less happy than +Epicurus's gods, but as indolent, as impotent; while the boundless living +chaos of ignorance and hunger welters, terrific in its dark fury, under +their feet. How much among us might be likened to a whited sepulcher: +outwardly all pomp and strength, but inwardly full of horror and despair +and dead men's bones! Iron highways, with their wains fire-winged, are +uniting all the ends of the land; quays and moles, with their innumerable +stately fleets, tame the ocean into one pliant bearer of burdens; labor's +thousand arms, of sinew and of metal, all-conquering everywhere, from the +tops of the mount down to the depths of the mine and the caverns of the +sea, ply unweariedly for the service of man; yet man remains unserved. He +has subdued this planet, his habitation and inheritance, yet reaps no +profit from the victory. Sad to look upon: in the highest stage of +civilization nine-tenths of mankind have to struggle in the lowest battle +of savage or even animal man--the battle against famine. Countries are +rich, prosperous in all manner of increase, beyond example; but the men of +these countries are poor, needier than ever of all sustenance, outward and +inward; of belief, of knowledge, of money, of food." + +To this somber picture of American "prosperity" in the nineteenth century +nothing of worth can be added by the most inspired artist. Let us simply +inscribe upon the gloomy canvas the memorable words of an illustrious poet +of the period: + + That country speeds to an untoward fate, + Where men are trivial and gold is great. + +One of the most "sacred" rights of the ancient American was the trial of +an accused person by "a jury of his peers." This, in America, was a right +secured to him by a written constitution. It was almost universally +believed to have had its origin in Magna Carta, a famous document which +certain rebellious noblemen of another country had compelled their +sovereign to sign under a threat of death. That celebrated "bill of +rights" has not all come down to us, but researches of the learned have +made it certain that it contained no mention of trial by jury, which, +indeed, was unknown to its authors. The words _judicium parium_ meant to +them something entirely different--the judgment of the entire community of +freemen. The words and the practice they represented antedated Magna Carta +by many centuries and were common to the Franks and other Germanic +nations, amongst whom a trial "jury" consisted of persons having a +knowledge of the matter to be determined--persons who in later times were +called "witnesses" and rigorously excluded from the seats of judgment. + +It is difficult to conceive a more clumsy and ineffective machinery for +ascertaining truth and doing justice than a jury of twelve men of the +average intelligence, even among ourselves. What, then, must this device +have been among the half-civilized tribes of the Connected States of +America! Nay, the case is worse than that, for it was the practice to +prevent men of even the average intelligence from serving as jurors. +Jurors had to be residents of the locality of the crime charged, and every +crime was made a matter of public notoriety long before the accused was +brought to trial; yet, as a rule, he who had read or talked about the +trial was held disqualified to serve. This in a country where, when a man +who could read was not reading about local crimes he was talking about +them, or if doing neither was doing something worse! + +To the twelve men so chosen the opposing lawyers addressed their +disingenuous pleas and for their consideration the witnesses presented +their carefully rehearsed testimony, most of it false. So unintelligent +were these juries that a great part of the time in every trial was +consumed in keeping from them certain kinds of evidence with which they +could not be trusted; yet the lawyers were permitted to submit to them any +kind of misleading argument that they pleased and fortify it with +innuendoes without relevancy and logic without sense. Appeals to their +passions, their sympathies, their prejudices, were regarded as legitimate +influences and tolerated by the judges on the theory that each side's +offenses would about offset those of the other. In a criminal case it was +expected that the prosecutor would declare repeatedly and in the most +solemn manner his belief in the guilt of the person accused, and that the +attorney for the defense would affirm with equal gravity his conviction of +his client's innocence. How could they impress the jury with a belief +which they did not themselves venture to affirm? It is not recorded that +any lawyer ever rebelled against the iron authority of these conditions +and stood for truth and conscience. They were, indeed, the conditions of +his existence as a lawyer, a fact which they easily persuaded themselves +mitigated the baseness of their obedience to them, or justified it +altogether. + +The judges, as a rule, were no better, for before they could become judges +they must have been advocates, with an advocate's fatal disabilities of +judgment. Most of them depended for their office upon the favor of the +people, which, also, was fatal to the independence, the dignity and the +impartiality to which they laid so solemn claim. In their decisions they +favored, so far as they dared, every interest, class or person powerful +enough to help or hurt them in an election. Holding their high office by +so precarious a tenure, they were under strong temptation to enrich +themselves from the serviceable purses of wealthy litigants, and in +disregard of justice to cultivate the favor of the attorneys practicing +before them, and before whom they might soon be compelled themselves to +practice. + +In the higher courts of the land, where juries were unknown and appointed +judges held their seats for life, these awful conditions did not obtain, +and there Justice might have been content to dwell, and there she actually +did sometimes set her foot. Unfortunately, the great judges had the +consciences of their education. They had crept to place through the slime +of the lower courts and their robes of office bore the damnatory evidence. +Unfortunately, too, the attorneys, the jury habit strong upon them, +brought into the superior tribunals the moral characteristics and +professional methods acquired in the lower. Instead of assisting the +judges to ascertain the truth and the law, they cheated in argument and +took liberties with fact, deceiving the court whenever they deemed it to +the interest of their cause to do so, and as willingly won by a +technicality or a trick as by the justice of their contention and their +ability in supporting it. Altogether, the entire judicial system of the +Connected States of America was inefficient, disreputable, corrupt. + +The result might easily have been foreseen and doubtless was predicted by +patriots whose admonitions have not come down to us. Denied protection of +the law, neither property nor life was safe. Greed filled his coffers from +the meager hoards of Thrift, private vengeance took the place of legal +redress, mad multitudes rioted and slew with virtual immunity from +punishment or blame, and the land was red with crime. + +A singular phenomenon of the time was the immunity of criminal women. +Among the Americans woman held a place unique in the history of nations. +If not actually worshiped as a deity, as some historians, among them the +great Sagab-Joffoy, have affirmed, she was at least regarded with feelings +of veneration which the modern mind has a difficulty in comprehending. +Some degree of compassion for her mental inferiority, some degree of +forbearance toward her infirmities of temper, some degree of immunity for +the offenses which these peculiarities entail--these are common to all +peoples above the grade of barbarians. In ancient America these chivalrous +sentiments found open and lawful expression only in relieving woman of the +burden of participation in political and military service; the laws gave +her no express exemption from responsibility for crime. When she murdered, +she was arrested; when arrested, brought to trial--though the origin and +meaning of those observances are not now known. Gunkux, whose researches +into the jurisprudence of antiquity enable him to speak with commanding +authority of many things, gives us here nothing better than the conjecture +that the trial of women for murder, in the nineteenth century and a part +of the twentieth, was the survival of an earlier custom of actually +convicting and punishing them, but it seems extremely improbable that a +people that once put its female assassins to death would ever have +relinquished the obvious advantages of the practice while retaining with +purposeless tenacity some of its costly preliminary forms. Whatever may +have been the reason, the custom was observed with all the gravity of a +serious intention. Gunkux professes knowledge of one or two instances (he +does not name his authorities) where matters went so far as conviction and +sentence, and adds that the mischievous sentimentalists who had always +lent themselves to the solemn jest by protestations of great +_vraisemblance_ against "the judicial killing of women," became really +alarmed and filled the land with their lamentations. Among the phenomena +of brazen effrontery he classes the fact that some of these loud +protagonists of the right of women to assassinate unpunished were +themselves women! Howbeit, the sentences, if ever pronounced, were never +executed, and during the first quarter of the twentieth century the +meaningless custom of bringing female assassins to trial was abandoned. +What the effect was of their exemption from this considerable +inconvenience we have not the data to conjecture, unless we understand as +an allusion to it some otherwise obscure words of the famous Edward Bok, +the only writer of the period whose work has survived. In his monumental +essay on barbarous penology, entitled "Slapping the Wrist," he couples +"woman's emancipation from the trammels of law" and "man's better prospect +of death" in a way that some have construed as meaning that he regarded +them as cause and effect. It must be said, however, that this +interpretation finds no support in the general character of his writing, +which is exceedingly humane, refined and womanly. + +It has been said that the writings of this great man are the only +surviving work of his period, but of that we are not altogether sure. +There exists a fragment of an anonymous essay on woman's legal +responsibility which many Americologists think belongs to the beginning of +the twentieth century. Certainly it could not have been written later than +the middle of it, for at that time woman had been definitely released from +any responsibility to any law but that of her own will. The essay is an +argument against even such imperfect exemption as she had in its author's +time. + +"It has been urged," the writer says, "that women, being less rational and +more emotional than men, should not be held accountable in the same +degree. To this it may be answered that punishment for crime is not +intended to be retaliatory, but admonitory and deterrent. It is, +therefore, peculiarly necessary to those not easily reached by other forms +of warning and dissuasion. Control of the wayward is not to be sought in +reduction of restraints, but in their multiplication. One who cannot be +curbed by reason may be curbed by fear, a familiar truth which lies at the +foundation of all penological systems. The argument for exemption of women +is equally cogent for exemption of habitual criminals, for they too are +abnormally inaccessible to reason, abnormally disposed to obedience to the +suasion of their unregulated impulses and passions. To free them from the +restraints of the fear of punishment would be a bold innovation which has +as yet found no respectable proponent outside their own class. + +"Very recently this dangerous enlargement of the meaning of the phrase +'emancipation of woman' has been fortified with a strange advocacy by the +female 'champions of their sex.' Their argument runs this way: 'We are +denied a voice in the making of the laws relating to infliction of the +death penalty; it is unjust to hold us to an accountability to which we +have not assented.' Of course this argument is as broad as the entire body +of law; it amounts to nothing less than a demand for general immunity from +all laws, for to none of them has woman's assent been asked or given. But +let us consider this amazing claim with reference only to the proposal in +the service and promotion of which it is now urged: exemption of women +from the death penalty for murder. In the last analysis it is seen to be a +simple demand for compensation. It says: 'You owe us a _solatium_. Since +you deny us the right to vote, you should give us the right to +assassinate. We do not appraise it at so high a valuation as the other +franchise, but we do value it.' + +"Apparently they do: without legal, but with virtual, immunity from +punishment, the women of this country take an average of one thousand +lives annually, nine in ten being the lives of men. Juries of men, incited +and sustained by public opinion, have actually deprived every adult male +American of the right to live. If the death of any man is desired by any +woman for any reason he is without protection. She has only to kill him +and say that he wronged or insulted her. Certain almost incredible recent +instances prove that no woman is too base for immunity, no crime against +life sufficiently rich in all the elements of depravity to compel a +conviction of the assassin, or, if she is convicted and sentenced, her +punishment by the public executioner." + +In this interesting fragment, quoted by Bogul in his "History of an +Extinct Civilization," we learn something of the shame and peril of +American citizenship under institutions which, not having run their +foreordained course to the unhappy end, were still in some degree +supportable. What these institutions became afterward is a familiar story. +It is true that the law of trial by jury was repealed. It had broken down, +but not until it had sapped the whole nation's respect for all law, for +all forms of authority, for order and private virtues. The people whose +rude forefathers in another land it had served roughly to protect against +their tyrants, it had lamentably failed to protect against themselves, and +when in madness they swept it away, it was not as one renouncing an error, +but as one impatient of the truth which the error is still believed to +contain. They flung it away, not as an ineffectual restraint, but as a +restraint; not because it was no longer an instrument of justice for the +determination of truth, but because they feared that it might again become +such. In brief, trial by jury was abolished only when it had provoked +anarchy. + +Before turning to another phase of this ancient civilization I cannot +forbear to relate, after the learned and ingenious Gunkux, the only known +instance of a public irony expressing itself in the sculptor's noble art. +In the ancient city of Hohokus once stood a monument of colossal size and +impressive dignity. It was erected by public subscription to the memory of +a man whose only distinction consisted in a single term of service as a +juror in a famous murder trial, the details of which have not come down to +us. This occupied the court and held public attention for many weeks, +being bitterly contested by both prosecution and defense. When at last it +was given to the jury by the judge in the most celebrated charge that had +ever been delivered from the bench, a ballot was taken at once. The jury +stood eleven for acquittal to one for conviction. And so it stood at every +ballot of the more than fifty that were taken during the fortnight that +the jury was locked up for deliberation. Moreover, the dissenting juror +would not argue the matter; he would listen with patient attention while +his eleven indignant opponents thundered their opinions into his ears, +even when they supported them with threats of personal violence; but not a +word would he say. At last a disagreement was formally entered, the jury +discharged and the obstinate juror chased from the city by the maddened +populace. Despairing of success in another trial and privately admitting +his belief in the prisoner's innocence, the public prosecutor moved for +his release, which the judge ordered with remarks plainly implying his own +belief that the wrong man had been tried. + +Years afterward the accused person died confessing his guilt, and a little +later one of the jurors who had been sworn to try the case admitted that +he had attended the trial on the first day only, having been personated +during the rest of the proceedings by a twin brother, the obstinate +member, who was a deaf-mute. + +The monument to this eminent public servant was overthrown and destroyed +by an earthquake in the year 2342. + +One of the causes of that popular discontent which brought about the +stupendous events resulting in the disruption of the great republic, +historians and archæologists are agreed in reckoning "insurance." Of the +exact nature of that factor in the problem of the national life of that +distant day we are imperfectly informed; many of its details have perished +from the record, yet its outlines loom large through the mist of ages and +can be traced with greater precision than is possible in many more +important matters. + +In the monumental work of Professor Golunk-Dorsto ("Some Account of the +Insurance Delusion in Ancient America") we have its most considerable +modern exposition; and Gakler's well-known volume, "The Follies of +Antiquity," contains much interesting matter relating to it. From these +and other sources the student of human unreason can reconstruct that +astounding fallacy of insurance as, from three joints of its tail, the +great naturalist Bogramus restored the ancient elephant, from hoof to +horn. + +The game of insurance, as practiced by the ancient Americans (and, as +Gakler conjectures, by some of the tribesmen of Europe), was gambling, +pure and simple, despite the sentimental character that its proponents +sought to impress upon some forms of it for the greater prosperity of +their dealings with its dupes. Essentially, it was a bet between the +insurer and the insured. The number of ways in which the wager was +made--all devised by the insurer--was almost infinite, but in none of them +was there a departure from the intrinsic nature of the transaction as seen +in its simplest, frankest form, which we shall here expound. + +To those unlearned in the economical institutions of antiquity it is +necessary to explain that in ancient America, long prior to the disastrous +Japanese war, individual ownership of property was unrestricted; every +person was permitted to get as much as he was able, and to hold it as his +own without regard to his needs, or whether he made any good use of it or +not. By some plan of distribution not now understood even the habitable +surface of the earth, with the minerals beneath, was parceled out among +the favored few, and there was really no place except at sea where +children of the others could lawfully be born. Upon a part of the dry land +that he had been able to acquire, or had leased from another for the +purpose, a man would build a house worth, say, ten thousand _drusoes_. +(The ancient unit of value was the "dollar," but nothing is now known as +to its actual worth.) Long before the building was complete the owner was +beset by "touts" and "cappers" of the insurance game, who poured into his +ears the most ingenious expositions of the advantages of betting that it +would burn down--for with incredible fatuity the people of that time +continued, generation after generation, to build inflammable habitations. +The persons whom the capper represented--they called themselves an +"insurance company"--stood ready to accept the bet, a fact which seems to +have generated no suspicion in the mind of the house-owner. Theoretically, +of course, if the house did burn payment of the wager would partly or +wholly recoup the winner of the bet for the loss of his house, but in fact +the result of the transaction was commonly very different. For the +privilege of betting that his property would be destroyed by fire the +owner had to pay to the gentleman betting that it would not be, a certain +percentage of its value every year, called a "premium." The amount of this +was determined by the company, which employed statisticians and actuaries +to fix it at such a sum that, according to the law of probabilities, long +before the house was "due to burn," the company would have received more +than the value of it in premiums. In other words, the owner of the house +would himself supply the money to pay his bet, and a good deal more. + +But how, it may be asked, could the company's actuary know that the man's +house would last until he had paid in more than its insured value in +premiums--more, that is to say, than the company would have to pay back? +He could not, but from his statistics he could know how many houses in ten +thousand of that kind burned in their first year, how many in their +second, their third, and so on. That was all that he needed to know, the +house-owners knowing nothing about it. He fixed his rates according to the +facts, and the occasional loss of a bet in an individual instance did not +affect the certainty of a general winning. Like other professional +gamblers, the company expected to lose sometimes, yet knew that in the +long run it _must_ win; which meant that in any special case it would +_probably_ win. With a thousand gambling games open to him in which the +chances were equal, the infatuated dupe chose to "sit into" one where they +were against him! Deceived by the cappers' fairy tales, dazed by the +complex and incomprehensible "calculations" put forth for his undoing, and +having ever in the ear of his imagination the crackle and roar of the +impoverishing flames, he grasped at the hope of beating--in an unwelcome +way, it is true--"the man that kept the table." He must have known for a +certainty that if the company could afford to insure him he could not +afford to let it. He must have known that the whole body of the insured +paid to the insurers more than the insurers paid to them; otherwise the +business could not have been conducted. This they cheerfully admitted; +indeed, they proudly affirmed it. In fact, insurance companies were the +only professional gamblers that had the incredible hardihood to parade +their enormous winnings as an inducement to play against their game. These +winnings ("assets," they called them) proved their ability, they said, to +pay when they lost; and that was indubitably true. What they did not +prove, unfortunately, was the _will_ to pay, which from the imperfect +court records of the period that have come down to us, appears frequently +to have been lacking. Gakler relates that in the instance of the city of +San Francisco (somewhat doubtfully identified by Macronus as the modern +fishing-village of Gharoo) the disinclination of the insurance companies +to pay their bets had the most momentous consequences. + +In the year 1906 San Francisco was totally destroyed by fire. The +conflagration was caused by the friction of a pig scratching itself +against an angle of a wooden building. More than one hundred thousand +persons perished, and the loss of property is estimated by Kobo-Dogarque +at one and a half million _drusoes_. On more than two-thirds of this +enormous sum the insurance companies had laid bets, and the greater part +of it they refused to pay. In justification they pointed out that the deed +performed by the pig was "an act of God," who in the analogous instance of +the express companies had been specifically forbidden to take any action +affecting the interests of parties to a contract, or the result of an +agreed undertaking. + +In the ensuing litigation their attorneys cited two notable precedents. A +few years before the San Francisco disaster, another American city had +experienced a similar one through the upsetting of a lamp by the kick of a +cow. In that case, also, the insurance companies had successfully denied +their liability on the ground that the cow, manifestly incited by some +supernatural power, had unlawfully influenced the result of a wager to +which she was not a party. The companies defendant had contended that the +recourse of the property-owners was against, not them, but the owner of +the cow. In his decision sustaining that view and dismissing the case, a +learned judge (afterward president of one of the defendant companies) had +in the legal phraseology of the period pronounced the action of the cow an +obvious and flagrant instance of unwarrantable intervention. Kobo-Dogarque +believes that this decision was afterward reversed by an appellate court +of contrary political complexion and the companies were compelled to +compromise, but of this there is no record. It is certain that in the San +Francisco case the precedent was urged. + +Another precedent which the companies cited with particular emphasis +related to an unfortunate occurrence at a famous millionaires' club in +London, the capital of the renowned king, John Bui. A gentleman passing in +the street fell in a fit and was carried into the club in convulsions. Two +members promptly made a bet upon his life. A physician who chanced to be +present set to work upon the patient, when one of the members who had laid +the wager came forward and restrained him, saying: "Sir, I beg that you +will attend to your own business. I have my money on that fit." + +Doubtless these two notable precedents did not constitute the entire case +of the defendants in the San Francisco insurance litigation, but the +additional pleas are lost to us. + +Of the many forms of gambling known as insurance that called life +insurance appears to have been the most vicious. In essence it was the +same as fire insurance, marine insurance, accident insurance and so forth, +with an added offensiveness in that it was a betting on human +lives--commonly by the policy-holder on lives that should have been held +most sacred and altogether immune from the taint of traffic. In point of +practical operation this ghastly business was characterized by a more +fierce and flagrant dishonesty than any of its kindred pursuits. To such +lengths of robbery did the managers go that at last the patience of the +public was exhausted and a comparatively trivial occurrence fired the +combustible elements of popular indignation to a white heat in which the +entire insurance business of the country was burned out of existence, +together with all the gamblers who had invented and conducted it. The +president of one of the companies was walking one morning in a street of +New York, when he had the bad luck to step on the tail of a dog and was +bitten in retaliation. Frenzied by the pain of the wound, he gave the +creature a savage kick and it ran howling toward a group of idlers in +front of a grocery store. In ancient America the dog was a sacred animal, +worshiped by all sorts and conditions of tribesmen. The idlers at once +raised a great cry, and setting upon the offender beat him so that he +died. + +Their act was infectious: men, women and children trooped out of their +dwellings by thousands to join them, brandishing whatever weapons they +could snatch, and uttering wild cries of vengeance. This formidable mob +overpowered the police, and marching from one insurance office to another, +successively demolished them all, slew such officers as they could lay +hands on, and chased the fugitive survivors into the sea, "where," says a +quaint chronicle of the time, "they were eaten by their kindred, the +sharks." This carnival of violence continued all the day, and at set of +sun not one person connected with any form of insurance remained alive. + +Ferocious and bloody as was the massacre, it was only the beginning. As +the news of it went blazing and coruscating along the wires by which +intelligence was then conveyed across the country, city after city caught +the contagion. Everywhere, even in the small hamlets and the agricultural +districts, the dupes rose against their dupers. The smoldering resentment +of years burst into flame, and within a week all that was left of +insurance in America was the record of a monstrous and cruel delusion +written in the blood of its promoters. + +A remarkable feature of the crude and primitive civilization of the +Americans was their religion. This was polytheistic, as is that of all +backward peoples, and among their minor deities were their own women. This +has been disputed by respectable authorities, among them Gunkux and the +younger Kekler, but the weight of archæological testimony is against them, +for, as Sagab-Joffy ingeniously points out, none of less than divine rank +would by even the lowest tribes be given unrestricted license to kill. +Among the Americans woman, as already pointed out, indubitably had that +freedom, and exercised it with terrible effect, a fact which makes the +matter of their religion pertinent to the purpose of this monograph. If +ever an American woman was punished by law for murder of a man no record +of the fact is found; whereas, such American literature as we possess is +full of the most enthusiastic adulation of the impossible virtues and +imaginary graces of the human female. One writer even goes to the length +of affirming that respect for the sex is the foundation of political +stability, the cornerstone of civil and religious liberty! After the +break-up of the republic and the savage intertribal wars that followed, +Gyneolatry was an exhausted cult and woman was relegated to her old state +of benign subjection. + +Unfortunately, we know little of the means of travel in ancient America, +other than the names. It seems to have been done mainly by what were +called "railroads," upon which wealthy associations of men transported +their fellow-citizens in some kind of vehicle at a low speed, seldom +exceeding fifty or sixty miles an hour, as distance and time were then +reckoned--about equal to seven _kaltabs_ a _grillog_. Notwithstanding this +slow movement of the vehicles, the number and fatality of accidents were +incredible. In the Zopetroq Museum of Archæology is preserved an official +report (found in the excavations made by Droyhors on the supposed site of +Washington) of a Government Commission of the Connected States. From that +document we learn that in the year 1907 of their era the railroads of the +country killed 5,000 persons and wounded 72,286--a mortality which is said +by the commissioners to be twice that of the battle of Gettysburg, +concerning which we know nothing but the name. This was about the annual +average of railroad casualties of the period, and if it provoked comment +it at least led to no reform, for at a later period we find the mortality +even greater. That it was preventable is shown by the fact that in the +same year the railroads of Great Britain, where the speed was greater and +the intervals between vehicles less, killed only one passenger. It was a +difference of government: Great Britain had a government that governed; +America had not. Happily for humanity, the kind of government that does +not govern, self-government, "government of the people, by the people and +for the people" (to use a meaningless paradox of that time) has perished +from the face of the earth. + +An inherent weakness in republican government was that it assumed the +honesty and intelligence of the majority, "the masses," who were neither +honest nor intelligent. It would doubtless have been an excellent +government for a people so good and wise as to need none. In a country +having such a system the leaders, the politicians, must necessarily all be +demagogues, for they can attain to place and power by no other method than +flattery of the people and subserviency to the will of the majority. In +all the ancient American political literature we look in vain for a single +utterance of truth and reason regarding these matters. In none of it is a +hint that the multitude was ignorant and vicious, as we know it to have +been, and as it must necessarily be in any country, to whatever high +average of intelligence and morality the people attain; for "intelligence" +and "morality" are comparative terms, the standard of comparison being the +intelligence and morality of the wisest and best, who must always be the +few. Whatever general advance is made, those not at the head are +behind--are ignorant and immoral according to the new standard, and unfit +to control in the higher and broader policies demanded by the progress +made. Where there is true and general progress the philosopher of +yesterday would be the ignoramus of to-day, the honorable of one +generation the vicious of another. The peasant of our time is incomparably +superior to the statesman of ancient America, yet he is unfit to govern, +for there are others more fit. + +That a body of men can be wiser than its wisest member seems to the modern +understanding so obvious and puerile an error that it is inconceivable +that any people, even the most primitive, could ever have entertained it; +yet we know that in America it was a fixed and steadfast political faith. +The people of that day did not, apparently, attempt to explain how the +additional wisdom was acquired by merely assembling in council, as in +their "legislatures"; they seem to have assumed that it was so, and to +have based their entire governmental system upon that assumption, with +never a suspicion of its fallacy. It is like assuming that a mountain +range is higher than its highest peak. In the words of Golpek, "The early +Americans believed that units of intelligence were addable quantities," or +as Soseby more wittily puts it, "They thought that in a combination of +idiocies they had the secret of sanity." + +The Americans, as has been said, never learned that even among themselves +majorities ruled, not because they ought, but because they could--not +because they were wise, but because they were strong. The count of noses +determined, not the better policy, but the more powerful party. The weaker +submitted, as a rule, for it had to or risk a war in which it would be at +a disadvantage. Yet in all the early years of the republic they seem +honestly to have dignified their submission as "respect for the popular +verdict." They even quoted from the Latin language the sentiment that "the +voice of the people is the voice of God." And this hideous blasphemy was +as glib upon the lips of those who, without change of mind, were defeated +at the polls year after year as upon those of the victors. + +Of course, their government was powerless to restrain any aggression or +encroachment upon the general welfare as soon as a considerable body of +voters had banded together to undertake it. A notable instance has been +recorded by Bamscot in his great work, "Some Evil Civilizations." After +the first of America's great intestinal wars the surviving victors formed +themselves into an organization which seems at first to have been purely +social and benevolent, but afterward fell into the hands of rapacious +politicians who in order to preserve their power corrupted their followers +by distributing among them enormous sums of money exacted from the +government by threats of overturning it. In less than a half century after +the war in which they had served, so great was the fear which they +inspired in whatever party controlled the national treasury that the total +sum of their exactions was no less annually than seventeen million +_prastams_! As Dumbleshaw naïvely puts it, "having saved their country, +these gallant gentlemen naturally took it for themselves." The eventual +massacre of the remnant of this hardy and impenitent organization by the +labor unions more accustomed to the use of arms is beyond the province of +this monograph to relate. The matter is mentioned at all only because it +is a typical example of the open robbery that marked that period of the +republic's brief and inglorious existence; the Grand Army, as it called +itself, was no worse and no better than scores of other organizations +having no purpose but plunder and no method but menace. A little later +nearly all classes and callings became organized conspiracies, each +seeking an unfair advantage through laws which the party in power had not +the firmness to withhold, nor the party hoping for power the courage to +oppose. The climax of absurdity in this direction was reached in 1918, +when an association of barbers, known as Noblemen of the Razor, procured +from the parliament of the country a law giving it a representative in the +President's Cabinet, and making it a misdemeanor to wear a beard. + +In Soseby's "History of Popular Government" he mentions "a monstrous +political practice known as 'Protection to American Industries.'" Modern +research has not ascertained precisely what it was; it is known rather +from its effects than in its true character, but from what we can learn of +it to-day I am disposed to number it among those malefic agencies +concerned in the destruction of the American republics, particularly the +Connected States, although it appears not to have been peculiar to +"popular government." Some of the contemporary monarchies of Europe were +afflicted with it, but by the divine favor which ever guards a throne its +disastrous effects were averted. "Protection" consisted in a number of +extraordinary expedients, the purposes of which and their relations to one +another cannot with certainty be determined in the present state of our +knowledge. Debrethin and others agree that one feature of it was the +support, by general taxation, of a few favored citizens in public palaces, +where they passed their time in song and dance and all kinds of revelry. +They were not, however, altogether idle, being required out of the sums +bestowed upon them, to employ a certain number of men each in erecting +great piles of stone and pulling them down again, digging holes in the +ground and then filling them with earth, pouring water into casks and then +drawing it off, and so forth. The unhappy laborers were subject to the +most cruel oppressions, but the knowledge that their wages came from the +pockets of those whom their work nowise benefited was so gratifying to +them that nothing could induce them to leave the service of their +heartless employers to engage in lighter and more useful labor. + +Another characteristic of "Protection" was the maintenance at the +principal seaports of "customs-houses," which were strong fortifications +armed with heavy guns for the purpose of destroying or driving away the +trading ships of foreign nations. It was this that caused the Connected +States to be known abroad as the "Hermit Republic," a name of which its +infatuated citizens were strangely proud, although they had themselves +sent armed ships to open the ports of Japan and other Oriental countries +to their own commerce. In their own case, if a foreign ship came empty and +succeeded in evading the fire of the "customs-house," as sometimes +occurred, she was permitted to take away a cargo. + +It is obvious that such a system was distinctly evil, but it must be +confessed our uncertainty regarding the whole matter of "Protection" does +not justify us in assigning it a definite place among the causes of +national decay. That in some way it produced an enormous revenue is +certain, and that the method was dishonest is no less so; for this +revenue--known as a "surplus"--was so abhorred while it lay in the +treasury that all were agreed upon the expediency of getting rid of it, +two great political parties existing for apparently no other purpose than +the patriotic one of taking it out. + +But how, it may be asked, could people so misgoverned get on, even as well +as they did? + +From the records that have come down to us it does not appear that they +got on very well. They were preyed upon by all sorts of political +adventurers, whose power in most instances was limited only by the +contemporaneous power of other political adventurers equally unscrupulous. +A full half of the taxes wrung from them was stolen. Their public lands, +millions of square miles, were parceled out among banded conspirators. +Their roads and the streets of their cities were nearly impassable. Their +public buildings, conceived in abominable taste and representing enormous +sums of money, which never were used in their construction, began to +tumble about the ears of the workmen before they were completed. The most +delicate and important functions of government were intrusted to men with +neither knowledge, heart nor experience, who by their corruption imperiled +the public interest and by their blundering disgraced the national name. +In short, all the train of evils inseparable from government of any kind +beset this unhappy people with tenfold power, together with hundreds of +worse ones peculiar to their own faulty and unnatural system. It was +thought that their institutions would give them peace, yet in the first +three-quarters of a century of their existence they fought three important +wars: one of revenge, one of aggression and one--the bloodiest and most +wasteful known up to that time--among themselves. And before a century and +a half had passed they had the humiliation to see many of their seaport +cities destroyed by the Emperor of Japan in a quarrel which they had +themselves provoked by their greed of Oriental dominion. + +By far the most important factor concerned in bringing about the +dissolution of the republic and the incredible horrors that followed it +was what was known as "the contest between capital and labor." This +momentous struggle began in a rather singular way through an agitation set +afoot by certain ambitious women who preached at first to inattentive and +inhospitable ears, but with ever increasing acceptance, the doctrine of +equality of the sexes, and demanded the "emancipation" of woman. True, +woman was already an object of worship and had, as noted before, the right +to kill. She was treated with profound and sincere deference, because of +certain humble virtues, the product of her secluded life. Men of that time +appear to have felt for women, in addition to religious reverence, a +certain sentiment known as "love." The nature of this feeling is not +clearly known to us, and has been for ages a matter of controversy +evolving more heat than light. This much is plain: it was largely composed +of good will, and had its root in woman's dependence. Perhaps it had +something of the character of the benevolence with which we regard our +slaves, our children and our domestic animals--everything, in fact, that +is weak, helpless and inoffensive. + +Woman was not satisfied; her superserviceable advocates taught her to +demand the right to vote, to hold office, to own property, to enter into +employment in competition with man. Whatever she demanded she eventually +got. With the effect upon her we are not here concerned; the predicted +gain to political purity did not ensue, nor did commercial integrity +receive any stimulus from her participation in commercial pursuits. What +indubitably did ensue was a more sharp and bitter competition in the +industrial world through this increase of more than thirty per cent, in +its wage-earning population. In no age nor country has there ever been +sufficient employment for those requiring it. The effect of so enormously +increasing the already disproportionate number of workers in a single +generation could be no other than disastrous. Every woman employed +displaced or excluded some man, who, compelled to seek a lower employment, +displaced another, and so on, until the least capable or most unlucky of +the series became a tramp--a nomadic mendicant criminal! The number of +these dangerous vagrants in the beginning of the twentieth century of +their era has been estimated by Holobom at no less than seven and a half +_blukuks_! Of course, they were as tow to the fires of sedition, anarchy +and insurrection. It does not very nearly relate to our present purpose, +but it is impossible not to note in passing that this unhappy result, +directly flowing from woman's invasion of the industrial field, was +unaccompanied by any material advantage to herself. Individual women, here +and there one, may themselves have earned the support that they would +otherwise not have received, but the sex as a whole was not benefited. +They provided for themselves no better than they had previously been +provided for, and would still have been provided for, by the men whom they +displaced. The whole somber incident is unrelieved by a single gleam of +light. + +Previously to this invasion of the industrial field by woman there had +arisen conditions that were in themselves peculiarly menacing to the +social fabric. Some of the philosophers of the period, rummaging amongst +the dubious and misunderstood facts of commercial and industrial history, +had discovered what they were pleased to term "the law of supply and +demand"; and this they expounded with so ingenious a sophistry, and so +copious a wealth of illustration and example that what is at best but a +faulty and imperfectly applicable principle, limited and cut into by all +manner of other considerations, came to be accepted as the sole +explanation and basis of material prosperity and an infallible rule for +the proper conduct of industrial affairs. In obedience to this "law"--for, +interpreting it in its straitest sense they understood it to be +mandatory--employers and employees alike regulated by its iron authority +all their dealings with one another, throwing off the immemorial relations +of mutual dependence and mutual esteem as tending to interfere with +beneficent operation. The employer came to believe conscientiously that it +was not only profitable and expedient, but under all circumstances his +duty, to obtain his labor for as little money as possible, even as he sold +its product for as much. Considerations of humanity were not banished from +his heart, but most sternly excluded from his business. Many of these +misguided men would give large sums to various charities; would found +universities, hospitals, libraries; would even stop on their way to +relieve beggars in the street; but for their own work-people they had no +care. Straman relates in his "Memoirs" that a wealthy manufacturer once +said to one of his mill-hands who had asked for an increase of his wages +because unable to support his family on the pay that he was getting: "Your +family is nothing to me. I cannot afford to mix benevolence with my +business." Yet this man, the author adds, had just given a thousand +_drusoes_ to a "sea-man's home." He could afford to care for other men's +employees, but not for his own. He could not see that the act which he +performed as truly, and to the same degree, cut down his margin of profit +in his business as the act which he refused to perform would have done, +and had not the advantage of securing him better service from a grateful +workman. + +On their part the laborers were no better. Their relations to their +employers being "purely commercial," as it was called, they put no heart +into their work, seeking ever to do as little as possible for their money, +precisely as their employers sought to pay as little as possible for the +work they got. The interests of the two classes being thus antagonized, +they grew to distrust and hate each other, and each accession of ill +feeling produced acts which tended to broaden the breach more and more. +There was neither cheerful service on the one side nor ungrudging payment +on the other. + +The harder industrial conditions generated by woman's irruption into a new +domain of activity produced among laboring men a feeling of blind +discontent and concern. Like all men in apprehension, they drew together +for mutual protection, they knew not clearly against what. They formed +"labor unions," and believed them to be something new and effective in the +betterment of their condition; whereas, from the earliest historical +times, in Rome, in Greece, in Egypt, in Assyria, labor unions with their +accepted methods of "striking" and rioting had been discredited by an +almost unbroken record of failure. One of the oldest manuscripts then in +existence, preserved in a museum at Turin, but now lost, related how the +workmen employed in the necropolis at Thebes, dissatisfied with their +allowance of corn and oil, had refused to work, broken out of their +quarters and, after much rioting, been subdued by the arrows of the +military. And such, despite the sympathies and assistance of brutal mobs +of the populace, was sometimes the end of the American "strike." +Originally organized for self-protection, and for a time partly +successful, these leagues became great tyrannies, so reasonless in their +demands and so unscrupulous in their methods of enforcing them that the +laws were unable to deal with them, and frequently the military forces of +the several States were ordered out for the protection of life and +property; but in most cases the soldiers fraternized with the leagues, ran +away, or were easily defeated. The cruel and mindless mobs had always the +hypocritical sympathy and encouragement of the newspapers and the +politicians, for both feared their power and courted their favor. The +judges, dependent for their offices not only on "the labor vote," but, to +obtain it, on the approval of the press and the politicians, boldly set +aside the laws against conspiracy and strained to the utmost tension those +relating to riot, arson and murder. To such a pass did all this come that +in the year 1931 an inn-keeper's denial of a half-holiday to an under-cook +resulted in the peremptory closing of half the factories in the country, +the stoppage of all railroad travel and movement of freight by land and +water and a general paralysis of the industries of the land. Many +thousands of families, including those of the "strikers" and their +friends, suffered from famine; armed conflicts occurred in every State; +hundreds were slain and incalculable amounts of property wrecked and +destroyed. + +Failure, however, was inherent in the method, for success depended upon +unanimity, and the greater the membership of the unions and the more +serious their menace to the industries of the country, the higher was the +premium for defection; and at last strike-breaking became a regular +employment, organized, officered and equipped for the service required by +the wealth and intelligence that directed it. From that moment the doom of +labor unionism was decreed and inevitable. But labor unionism did not live +long enough to die that way. + +Naturally combinations of labor entailed combinations of capital. These +were at first purely protective. They were brought into being by the +necessity of resisting the aggressions of the others. But the trick of +combination once learned, it was seen to have possibilities of profit in +directions not dreamed of by its early promoters; its activities were not +long confined to fighting the labor unions with their own weapons and with +superior cunning and address. The shrewd and energetic men whose capacity +and commercial experience had made them rich while the laborers remained +poor were not slow to discern the advantages of coöperation over their own +former method of competition among themselves. They continued to fight the +labor unions, but ceased to fight one another. The result was that in the +brief period of two generations almost the entire business of the country +fell into the hands of a few gigantic corporations controlled by bold and +unscrupulous men, who, by daring and ingenious methods, made the body of +the people pay tribute to their greed. + +In a country where money was all-powerful the power of money was used +without stint and without scruple. Judges were bribed to do their duty, +juries to convict, newspapers to support and legislators to betray their +constituents and pass the most oppressive laws. By these corrupt means, +and with the natural advantage of greater skill in affairs and larger +experience in concerted action, the capitalists soon restored their +ancient reign and the state of the laborer was worse than it had ever been +before. Straman says that in his time two millions of unoffending workmen +in the various industries were once discharged without warning and +promptly arrested as vagrants and deprived of their ears because a sulking +canal-boatman had kicked his captain's dog into the water. And the dog was +a retriever. + +Had the people been honest and intelligent, as the politicians affirmed +them to be, the combination of capital could have worked no public +injury--would, in truth, have been a great public benefit. It enormously +reduced the expense of production and distribution, assured greater +permanency of employment, opened better opportunities to general and +special aptitude, gave an improved product, and at first supplied it at a +reduced price. Its crowning merit was that the industries of the country, +being controlled by a few men from a central source, could themselves be +easily controlled by law if law had been honestly administered. Under the +old order of scattered jurisdictions, requiring a multitude of actions at +law, little could be done, and little was done, to put a check on +commercial greed; under the new, much was possible, and at times something +was accomplished. But not for long; the essential dishonesty of the +American character enabled these capable and conscienceless +managers--"captains of industry" and "kings of finance"--to buy with money +advantages and immunities superior to those that the labor unions could +obtain by menaces and the promise of votes. The legislatures, the courts, +the executive officers, all the sources of authority and springs of +control, were defiled and impested until right and justice fled affrighted +from the land, and the name of the country became a stench in the nostrils +of the world. + +Let us pause in our narrative to say here that much of the abuse of the +so-called "trusts" by their victims took no account of the folly, +stupidity and greed of the victims themselves. A favorite method by which +the great corporations crushed out the competition of the smaller ones and +of the "individual dealers" was by underselling them--a method made +possible by nothing but the selfishness of the purchasing consumers who +loudly complained of it. These could have stood by their neighbor, the +"small dealer," if they had wanted to, and no underselling could, have +been done. When the trust lowered the price of its product they eagerly +took the advantage offered, then cursed the trust for ruining the small +dealer. When it raised the price they cursed it for ruining themselves. It +is not easy to see what the trust could have done that would have been +acceptable, nor is it surprising that it soon learned to ignore their +clamor altogether and impenitently plunder those whom it could not hope to +appease. + +Another of the many sins justly charged against the "kings of finance" was +this: They would buy properties worth, say, ten millions of "dollars" (the +value of the dollar is now unknown) and issue stock upon it to the face +value of, say, fifty millions. This their clamorous critics called +"creating" for themselves forty millions of dollars. They created nothing; +the stock had no dishonest value unless sold, and even at the most corrupt +period of the government nobody was compelled by law to buy. In nine cases +in ten the person who bought did so in the hope and expectation of getting +much for little and something for nothing. The buyer was no better than +the seller. He was a gambler. He "played against the game of the man who +kept the table" (as the phrase went), and naturally he lost. Naturally, +too, he cried out, but his lamentations, though echoed shrilly by the +demagogues, seem to have been unavailing. Even the rudimentary +intelligence of that primitive people discerned the impracticability of +laws forbidding the seller to set his own price on the thing he would sell +and declare it worth that price. Then, as now, nobody had to believe him. +Of the few who bought these "watered" stocks in good faith as an +investment in the honest hope of dividends it seems sufficient to say, in +the words of an ancient Roman, "Against stupidity the gods themselves are +powerless." Laws that would adequately protect the foolish from the +consequence of their folly would put an end to all commerce. The sin of +"over-capitalization" differed in magnitude only, not in kind, from the +daily practice of every salesman in every shop. Nevertheless, the popular +fury that it aroused must be reckoned among the main causes contributory +to the savage insurrections that accomplished the downfall of the +republic. + +With the formation of powerful and unscrupulous trusts of both labor and +capital to subdue each other the possibilities of combination were not +exhausted; there remained the daring plan of combining the two +belligerents! And this was actually effected. The laborer's demand for an +increased wage was always based upon an increased cost of living, which +was itself chiefly due to increased cost of production from reluctant +concessions of his former demands. But in the first years of the twentieth +century observers noticed on the part of capital a lessening reluctance. +More frequent and more extortionate and reasonless demands encountered a +less bitter and stubborn resistance; capital was apparently weakening just +at the time when, with its strong organizations of trained and willing +strike-breakers, it was most secure. Not so; an ingenious malefactor, +whose name has perished from history, had thought out a plan for bringing +the belligerent forces together to plunder the rest of the population. In +the accounts that have come down to us details are wanting, but we know +that, little by little, this amazing project was accomplished. Wages rose +to incredible rates. The cost of living rose with them, for +employers--their new allies wielding in their service the weapons +previously used against them, intimidation, the boycott, and so +forth--more than recouped themselves from the general public. Their +employees got rebates on the prices of products, but for consumers who +were neither laborers nor capitalists there was no mercy. Strikes were a +thing of the past; strike-breakers threw themselves gratefully into the +arms of the unions; "industrial discontent" vanished, in the words of a +contemporary poet, "as by the stroke of an enchanter's wand." All was +peace, tranquillity and order! Then the storm broke. + +A man in St. Louis purchased a sheep's kidney for seven-and-a-half +dollars. In his rage at the price he exclaimed: "As a public man I have +given twenty of the best years of my life to bringing about a friendly +understanding between capital and labor. I have succeeded, and may God +have mercy on my meddlesome soul!" + +The remark was resented, a riot ensued, and when the sun went down that +evening his last beams fell upon a city reeking with the blood of a +hundred millionaires and twenty thousand citizens and sons of toil! + +Students of the history of those troublous times need not to be told what +other and more awful events followed that bloody reprisal. Within +forty-eight hours the country was ablaze with insurrection, followed by +intestinal wars which lasted three hundred and seventy years and were +marked by such hideous barbarities as the modern historian can hardly +bring himself to relate. The entire stupendous edifice of popular +government, temple and citadel of fallacies and abuses, had crashed to +ruin. For centuries its fallen columns and scattered stones sheltered an +ever diminishing number of skulking anarchists, succeeded by hordes of +skin-clad savages subsisting on offal and raw flesh--the race-remnant of +an extinct civilization. All finally vanished from history into a darkness +impenetrable to conjecture. + + * * * * * + +In concluding this hasty and imperfect sketch I cannot forbear to relate +an episode of the destructive and unnatural contest between labor and +capital, which I find recorded in the almost forgotten work of Antrolius, +who was an eye-witness to the incident. + +At a time when the passions of both parties were most inflamed and scenes +of violence most frequent it was somehow noised about that at a certain +hour of a certain day some one--none could say who--would stand upon the +steps of the Capitol and speak to the people, expounding a plan for +reconciliation of all conflicting interests and pacification of the +quarrel. At the appointed hour thousands had assembled to hear--glowering +capitalists attended by hireling body-guards with firearms, sullen +laborers with dynamite bombs concealed in their clothing. All eyes were +directed to the specified spot, where suddenly appeared (none saw +whence--it seemed as if he had been there all the time, such his +tranquillity) a tall, pale man clad in a long robe, bare-headed, his hair +falling lightly upon his shoulders, his eyes full of compassion, and with +such majesty of face and mien that all were awed to silence ere he spoke. +Stepping slowly forward toward the throng and raising his right hand from +the elbow, the index finger extended upward, he said, in a voice ineffably +sweet and serious: "Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even +so do ye also unto them." + +These strange words he repeated in the same solemn tones three times; +then, as the expectant multitude waited breathless for his discourse, +stepped quietly down into the midst of them, every one afterward declaring +that he passed within a pace of where himself had stood. For a moment the +crowd was speechless with surprise and disappointment, then broke into +wild, fierce cries: "Lynch him, lynch him!" and some have testified that +they heard the word "crucify." Struggling into looser order, the +infuriated mob started in mad pursuit; but each man ran a different way +and the stranger was seen again by none of them. + + + + +THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW + +(After the method of Swift, who followed Lucian, and was himself followed +by Voltaire and many others.) + + +THITHER + +A crowd of men were assisting at a dog-fight. The scene was one of +indescribable confusion. In the center of the tumult the dogs, obscure in +a cloud of dust, rolled over and over, howling, yarring, tearing each +other with sickening ferocity. About them the hardly less ferocious men +shouted, cursed and struck, encouraged the animals with sibilant +utterances and threatened with awful forms of death and perdition all who +tried to put an end to the combat. Caught in the thick of this pitiless +mob I endeavored to make my way to a place of peace, when a burly +blackguard, needlessly obstructing me, said derisively: + +"I guess you are working pockets." + +"You are a liar!" I retorted hotly. + +That is all the provocation that I remember to have given. + + +SONS OF THE FAIR STAR + +When consciousness returned the sun was high in the heavens, yet the light +was dim, and had that indefinable ghastly quality that is observed during +a partial eclipse. The sun itself appeared singularly small, as if it were +at an immensely greater distance than usual. Rising with some difficulty +to my feet, I looked about me. I was in an open space among some trees +growing on the slope of a mountain range whose summit on the one hand was +obscured by a mist of a strange pinkish hue, and on the other rose into +peaks glittering with snow. Skirting the base at a distance of two or +three miles flowed a wide river, and beyond it a nearly level plain +stretched away to the horizon, dotted with villages and farmhouses and +apparently in a high state of cultivation. All was unfamiliar in its every +aspect. The trees were unlike any that I had ever seen or even imagined, +the trunks being mostly square and the foliage consisting of slender +filaments resembling hair, in many instances long enough to reach the +earth. It was of many colors, and I could not perceive that there was any +prevailing one, as green is in the vegetation to which I was accustomed. +As far as I could see there were no grass, no weeds, no flowers; the earth +was covered with a kind of lichen, uniformly blue. Instead of rocks, great +masses of metals protruded here and there, and above me on the mountain +were high cliffs of what seemed to be bronze veined with brass. No animals +were visible, but a few birds as uncommon in appearance as their +surroundings glided through the air or perched upon the rocks. I say +glided, for their motion was not true flight, their wings being mere +membranes extended parallel to their sides, and having no movement +independent of the body. The bird was, so to say, suspended between them +and moved forward by quick strokes of a pair of enormously large webbed +feet, precisely as a duck propels itself in water. All these things +excited in me no surprise, nor even curiosity; they were merely +unfamiliar. That which most interested me was what appeared to be a bridge +several miles away, up the river, and to this I directed my steps, +crossing over from the barren and desolate hills to the populous plain. + +For a full history of my life and adventures in Mogon-Zwair, and a +detailed description of the country, its people, their manners and +customs, I must ask the reader to await the publication of a book, now in +the press, entitled _A Blackened Eye_; in this brief account I can give +only a few of such particulars as seem instructive by contrast with our +own civilization. + +The inhabitants of Mogon-Zwair call themselves Golampis, a word signifying +Sons of the Fair Star. Physically they closely resemble ourselves, being +in all respects the equals of the highest Caucasian type. Their hair, +however, has a broader scheme of color, hair of every hue known to us, and +even of some imperceptible to my eyes but brilliant to theirs, being too +common to excite remark. A Golampian assemblage with uncovered heads +resembles, indeed, a garden of flowers, vivid and deep in color, no two +alike. They wear no clothing of any kind, excepting for adornment and +protection from the weather, resembling in this the ancient Greeks and the +Japanese of yesterday; nor was I ever able to make them comprehend that +clothing could be worn for those reasons for which it is chiefly worn +among ourselves. They are destitute of those feelings of delicacy and +refinement which distinguish us from the lower animals, and which, in the +opinion of our acutest and most pious thinkers, are evidences of our close +relation to the Power that made us. + +Among this people certain ideas which are current among ourselves as mere +barren faiths expressed in disregarded platitudes receive a practical +application to the affairs of life. For example, they hold, with the best, +wisest and most experienced of our own race, and one other hereafter to be +described, that wealth does not bring happiness and is a misfortune and an +evil. None but the most ignorant and depraved, therefore, take the trouble +to acquire or preserve it. A rich Golampi is naturally regarded with +contempt and suspicion, is shunned by the good and respectable and +subjected to police surveillance. Accustomed to a world where the rich man +is profoundly and justly respected for his goodness and wisdom (manifested +in part by his own deprecatory protests against the wealth of which, +nevertheless, he is apparently unable to rid himself) I was at first +greatly pained to observe the contumelious manner of the Golampis toward +this class of men, carried in some instances to the length of personal +violence; a popular amusement being the pelting them with coins. These the +victims would carefully gather from the ground and carry away with them, +thus increasing their hoard and making themselves all the more liable to +popular indignities. + +When the cultivated and intelligent Golampi finds himself growing too +wealthy he proceeds to get rid of his surplus riches by some one of many +easy expedients. One of these I have just described; another is to give +his excess to those of his own class who have not sufficient to buy +employment and so escape leisure, which is considered the greatest evil of +all. "Idleness," says one of their famous authors, "is the child of +poverty and the parent of discontent"; and another great writer says: "No +one is without employment; the indolent man works for his enemies." + +In conformity to these ideas the Golampis--all but the ignorant and +vicious rich--look upon labor as the highest good, and the man who is so +unfortunate as not to have enough money to purchase employment in some +useful industry will rather engage in a useless one than not labor at all. +It is not unusual to see hundreds of men carrying water from a river and +pouring it into a natural ravine or artificial channel, through which it +runs back into the stream. Frequently a man is seen conveying stones--or +the masses of metal which there correspond to stones--from one pile to +another. When all have been heaped in a single place he will convey them +back again, or to a new place, and so proceed until darkness puts an end +to the work. This kind of labor, however, does not confer the satisfaction +derived from the consciousness of being useful, and is never performed by +any person having the means to hire another to employ him in some +beneficial industry. The wages usually paid to employers are from three to +six _balukan_ a day. This statement may seem incredible, but I solemnly +assure the reader that I have known a bad workman or a feeble woman to pay +as high as eight; and there have been instances of men whose incomes had +outgrown their desires paying even more. + +Labor being a luxury which only those in easy circumstances can afford, +the poor are the more eager for it, not only because it is denied them, +but because it is a sign of respectability. Many of them, therefore, +indulge in it on credit and soon find themselves deprived of what little +property they had to satisfy their hardfisted employers. A poor woman once +complained to me that her husband spent every _rylat_ that he could get in +the purchase of the most expensive kinds of employment, while she and the +children were compelled to content themselves with such cheap and coarse +activity as dragging an old wagon round and round in a small field which a +kind-hearted neighbor permitted them to use for the purpose. I afterward +saw this improvident husband and unnatural father. He had just squandered +all the money he had been able to beg or borrow in buying six tickets, +which entitled the holder to that many days' employment in pitching hay +into a barn. A week later I met him again. He was broken in health, his +limbs trembled, his walk was an uncertain shuffle. Clearly he was +suffering from overwork. As I paused by the wayside to speak to him a +wagon loaded with hay was passing. He fixed his eyes upon it with a +hungry, wolfish glare, clutched a pitchfork and leaned eagerly forward, +watching the vanishing wagon with breathless attention and heedless of my +salutation. That night he was arrested, streaming with perspiration, in +the unlawful act of unloading that hay and putting it into its owner's +barn. He was tried, convicted and sentenced to six months' detention in +the House of Indolence. + +The whole country is infested by a class of criminal vagrants known as +_strambaltis_, or, as we should say, "tramps." These persons prowl about +among the farms and villages begging for work in the name of charity. +Sometimes they travel in groups, as many as a dozen together, and then the +farmer dares not refuse them; and before he can notify the constabulary +they will have performed a great deal of the most useful labor that they +can find to do and escaped without paying a _rylat_. One trustworthy +agriculturist assured me that his losses in one year from these +depredations amounted to no less a sum than seven hundred _balukan_! On +nearly all the larger and more isolated farms a strong force of guards is +maintained during the greater part of the year to prevent these outrages, +but they are frequently overpowered, and sometimes prove unfaithful to +their trust by themselves working secretly by night. + +The Golampi priesthood has always denounced overwork as a deadly sin, and +declared useless and apparently harmless work, such as carrying water from +the river and letting it flow in again, a distinct violation of the divine +law, in which, however, I could never find any reference to the matter; +but there has recently risen a sect which holds that all labor being +pleasurable, each kind in its degree is immoral and wicked. This sect, +which embraces many of the most holy and learned men, is rapidly spreading +and becoming a power in the state. It has, of course, no churches, for +these cannot be built without labor, and its members commonly dwell in +caves and live upon such roots and berries as can be easily gathered, of +which the country produces a great abundance though all are exceedingly +unpalatable. These _Gropoppsu_ (as the members of this sect call +themselves) pass most of their waking hours sitting in the sunshine with +folded hands, contemplating their navels; by the practice of which +austerity they hope to obtain as reward an eternity of hard labor after +death. + +The Golampis are an essentially pious and religious race. There are few, +indeed, who do not profess at least one religion. They are nearly all, in +a certain sense, polytheists: they worship a supreme and beneficent deity +by one name or another, but all believe in the existence of a subordinate +and malevolent one, whom also, while solemnly execrating him in public +rites, they hold at heart in such reverence that needlessly to mention his +name or that of his dwelling is considered sin of a rank hardly inferior +to blasphemy. I am persuaded that this singular tenderness toward a being +whom their theology represents as an abominable monster, the origin of all +evil and the foe to souls, is a survival of an ancient propitiatory +adoration. Doubtless this wicked deity was once so feared that his +conciliation was one of the serious concerns of life. He is probably as +greatly feared now as at any former time, but is apparently less hated, +and is by some honestly admired. + +It is interesting to observe the important place held in Golampian affairs +by religious persecution. The Government is a pure theocracy, all the +Ministers of State and the principal functionaries in every department of +control belonging to the priesthood of the dominant church. It is +popularly believed in Mogon-Zwair that persecution, even to the extent of +taking life, is in the long run beneficial to the cause enduring it. This +belief has, indeed, been crystallized into a popular proverb, not capable +of accurate translation into our tongue, but to the effect that martyrs +fertilize religion by pouring out their blood about its roots. Acting upon +this belief with their characteristically logical and conscientious +directness, the sacerdotal rulers of the country mercilessly afflict the +sect to which themselves belong. They arrest its leading members on false +charges, throw them into loathsome and unwholesome dungeons, subject them +to the crudest tortures and sometimes put them to death. The provinces in +which the state religion is especially strong are occasionally raided and +pillaged by government soldiery, recruited for the purpose by conscription +among the dissenting sects, and are sometimes actually devastated with +fire and sword. The result is not altogether confirmatory of the popular +belief and does not fulfil the pious hope of the governing powers who are +cruel to be kind. The vitalizing efficacy of persecution is not to be +doubted, but the persecuted of too feeble faith frequently thwart its +beneficent intent and happy operation by apostasy. + +Having in mind the horrible torments which a Golampian general had +inflicted upon the population of a certain town I once ventured to protest +to him that so dreadful a sum of suffering, seeing that it did not +accomplish its purpose, was needless and unwise. + +"Needless and unwise it may be," said he, "and I am disposed to admit that +the result which I expected from it has not followed; but why do you speak +of the _sum_ of suffering? I tortured those people in but a single, simple +way--by skinning their legs." + +"Ah, that is very true," said I, "but you skinned the legs of one +thousand." + +"And what of that?" he asked. "Can one thousand, or ten thousand, or any +number of persons suffer more agony than one? A man may have his leg +broken, then his nails pulled out, then be seared with a hot iron. Here is +suffering added to suffering, and the effect is really cumulative. In the +true mathematical sense it is a _sum_ of suffering. A single person can +experience it. But consider, my dear sir. How can you add one man's agony +to another's? They are not addable quantities. Each is an individual pain, +unaffected by the other. The limit of anguish which ingenuity can inflict +is that utmost pang which one man has the vitality to endure." + +I was convinced but not silenced. + +The Golampians all believe, singularly enough, that truth possesses some +inherent vitality and power that give it an assured prevalence over +falsehood; that a good name cannot be permanently defiled and irreparably +ruined by detraction, but, like a star, shines all the brighter for the +shadow through which it is seen; that justice cannot be stayed by +injustice; that vice is powerless against virtue. I could quote from their +great writers hundreds of utterances affirmative of these propositions. +One of their poets, for example, has some striking and original lines, of +which the following is a literal but unmetrical translation: + + A man who is in the right has three arms, + But he whose conscience is rotten with wrong + Is stripped and confined in a metal cell. + +Imbued with these beliefs, the Golampis think it hardly worth while to be +truthful, to abstain from slander, to do justice and to avoid vicious +actions. "The practice," they say, "of deceit, calumniation, oppression +and immorality cannot have any sensible and lasting injurious effect, and +it is most agreeable to the mind and heart. Why should there be personal +self-denial without commensurate general advantage?" + +In consequence of these false views, affirmed by those whom they regard as +great and wise, the people of Mogon-Zwair are, as far as I have observed +them, the most conscienceless liars, cheats, thieves, rakes and all-round, +many-sided sinners that ever were created to be damned. It was, therefore, +with inexpressible joy that I received one day legal notification that I +had been tried in the High Court of Conviction and sentenced to banishment +to Lalugnan. My offense was that I had said that I regarded consistency as +the most detestable of all vices. + + +AN INTERVIEW WITH GNARMAG-ZOTE + +Mogon-Zwair and Lalugnan, having the misfortune to lie on opposite sides +of a line, naturally hate each other; so each country sends its dangerous +political criminals into the other, where they usually enjoy high honors +and are sometimes elevated to important office under the crown. I was +therefore received in Lalugnan with hospitality and given every +encouragement in prosecuting my researches into the history and +intellectual life of the people. They are so extraordinary a people, +inhabiting so marvelous a country, that everything which the traveler +sees, hears or experiences makes a lively and lasting impression upon his +mind, and the labor of a lifetime would be required to relate the +observation of a single year. I shall notice here only one or two points +of national character--those which differ most conspicuously from ours, +and in which, consequently, they are least worthy. + +With a fatuity hardly more credible than creditable, the Lalugwumps, as +they call themselves, deny the immortality of the soul. In all my stay in +their country I found only one person who believed in a life "beyond the +grave," as we should say, though as the Lalugwumps are cannibals they +would say "beyond the stomach." In testimony to the consolatory value of +the doctrine of another life, I may say that this one true believer had in +this life a comparatively unsatisfactory lot, for in early youth he had +been struck by a flying stone from a volcano and had lost a considerable +part of his brain. + +I cannot better set forth the nature and extent of the Lalugwumpian error +regarding this matter than by relating a conversation that occurred +between me and one of the high officers of the King's household--a man +whose proficiency in all the vices of antiquity, together with his service +to the realm in determining the normal radius of curvature in cats' claws, +had elevated him to the highest plane of political preferment. His name +was Gnarmag-Zote. + +"You tell me," said he, "that the soul is immaterial. Now, matter is that +of which we can have knowledge through one or more of our senses. Of what +is immaterial--not matter--we can gain no knowledge in that way. How, +then, can we know anything about it?" + +Perceiving that he did not rightly apprehend my position I abandoned it +and shifted the argument to another ground. "Consider," I said, "the +analogous case of a thought. You will hardly call thought material, yet we +know there are thoughts." + +"I beg your pardon, but we do not know that. Thought is not a thing, +therefore cannot _be_ in any such sense, for example, as the hand _is_. We +use the word 'thought' to designate the result of an action of the brain, +precisely as we use the word 'speed' to designate the result of an action +of a horse's legs. But can it be said that speed _exists_ in the same way +as the legs which produce it exist, or in any way? Is it a thing?" + +I was about to disdain to reply, when I saw an old man approaching, with +bowed head, apparently in deep distress. As he drew near he saluted my +distinguished interlocutor in the manner of the country, by putting out +his tongue to its full extent and moving it slowly from side to side. +Gnarmag-Zote acknowledged the civility by courteously spitting, and the +old man, advancing, seated himself at the great officer's feet, saying: +"Exalted Sir, I have just lost my wife by death, and am in a most +melancholy frame of mind. He who has mastered all the vices of the +ancients and wrested from nature the secret of the normal curvature of +cats' claws can surely spare from his wisdom a few rays of philosophy to +cheer an old man's gloom. Pray tell me what I shall do to assuage my +grief." + +The reader can, perhaps, faintly conceive my astonishment when +Gnarmag-Zote gravely replied: "Kill yourself." + +"Surely," I cried, "you would not have this honest fellow procure oblivion +(since you think that death is nothing else) by so rash an act!" + +"An act that Gnarmag-Zote advises," he said, coldly, "is not rash." + +"But death," I said, "death, whatever else it may be, is an end of life. +This old man is now in sorrow almost insupportable. But a few days and it +will be supportable; a few months and it will have become no more than a +tender melancholy. At last it will disappear, and in the society of his +friends, in the skill of his cook, the profits of avarice, the study of +how to be querulous and in the pursuit of loquacity, he will again +experience the joys of age. Why for a present grief should he deprive +himself of all future happiness?" + +Gnarmag-Zote looked upon me with something like compassion. "My friend," +said he, "guest of my sovereign and my country, know that in any +circumstances, even those upon which true happiness is based and +conditioned, death is preferable to life. The sum of miseries in any life +(here in Lalugnan at least) exceeds the sum of pleasures; but suppose that +it did not. Imagine an existence in which happiness, of whatever +intensity, is the rule, and discomfort, of whatever moderation, the +exception. Still there is some discomfort. There is none in death, for (as +it is given to us to know) that is oblivion, annihilation. True, by dying +one loses his happiness as well as his sorrows, but he is not conscious of +the loss. Surely, a loss of which one will never know, and which, if it +operate to make him less happy, at the same time takes from him the desire +and capacity and need of happiness, cannot be an evil. That is so +intelligently understood among us here in Lalugnan that suicide is common, +and our word for sufferer is the same as that for fool. If this good man +had not been an idiot he would have taken his life as soon as he was +bereaved." + +"If what you say of the blessing of death is true," I said, smilingly, for +I greatly prided myself on the ingenuity of my thought, "it is unnecessary +to commit suicide through grief for the dead; for the more you love the +more glad you should be that the object of your affection has passed into +so desirable a state as death." + +"So we are--those of us who have cultivated philosophy, history and logic; +but this poor fellow is still under the domination of feelings inherited +from a million ignorant and superstitious ancestors--for Lalugnan was once +as barbarous a country as your own. The most grotesque and frightful +conceptions of death, and life after death, were current; and now many of +even those whose understandings are emancipated wear upon their feelings +the heavy chain of heredity." + +"But," said I, "granting for the sake of the argument which I am about to +build upon the concession" (I could not bring myself to use the idiotic +and meaningless phrase, "for the sake of argument") "that death, +especially the death of a Lalugwump, is desirable, yet the act of dying, +the transition state between living and being dead, may be accompanied by +the most painful physical, and most terrifying mental phenomena. The +moment of dissolution may seem to the exalted sensibilities of the +moribund a century of horrors." + +The great man smiled again, with a more intolerable benignity than before. +"There is no such thing as dying," he said; "the 'transition state' is a +creation of your fancy and an evidence of imperfect reason. One is at any +time either alive or dead. The one condition cannot shade off into the +other. There is no gradation like that between waking and sleeping. By the +way, do you recognize a certain resemblance between death and a dreamless +sleep?" + +"Yes--death as you conceive it to be." + +"Well, does any one fear sleep? Do we not seek it, court it, wish that it +may be sound--that is to say, dreamless? We desire occasional +annihilation--wish to be dead for eight and ten hours at a time. True, we +expect to awake, but that expectation, while it may account for our +alacrity in embracing sleep, cannot alter the character of the state that +we cheerfully go into. Suppose we did _not_ wake in the morning, never did +wake! Would our mental and spiritual condition be in any respect different +through all eternity from what it was during the first few hours? After how +many hours does oblivion begin to be an evil? The man who loves to sleep +yet hates to die might justly be granted everlasting life with everlasting +insomnia." + +Gnarmag-Zote paused and appeared to be lost in the profundity of his +thoughts, but I could easily enough see that he was only taking breath. +The old man whose grief had given this turn to the conversation had fallen +asleep and was roaring in the nose like a beast. The rush of a river near +by, as it poured up a hill from the ocean, and the shrill singing of +several kinds of brilliant quadrupeds were the only other sounds audible. +I waited deferentially for the great antiquarian, scientist and courtier +to resume, amusing myself meantime by turning over the leaves of an +official report by the Minister of War on a new and improved process of +making thunder from snail slime. Presently the oracle spoke. + +"You have been born," he said, which was true. "There was, it follows, a +time when you had not been born. As we reckon time, it was probably some +millions of ages. Of this considerable period you are unable to remember +one unhappy moment, and in point of fact there was none. To a Lalugwump +that is entirely conclusive as to the relative values of consciousness and +oblivion, existence and nonexistence, life and death. This old man lying +here at my feet is now, if not dreaming, as if he had never been born. +Would not it be cruel and inhuman to wake him back to grief? Is it, then, +kind to permit him to wake by the natural action of his own physical +energies? I have given him the advice for which he asked. Believing it +good advice, and seeing him too irresolute to act, it seems my clear duty +to assist him." + +Before I could interfere, even had I dared take the liberty to do so, +Gnarmag-Zote struck the old man a terrible blow upon the head with his +mace of office. The victim turned upon his back, spread his fingers, +shivered convulsively and was dead. + +"You need not be shocked," said the distinguished assassin, coolly: "I +have but performed a sacred duty and religious rite. The religion +(established first in this realm by King Skanghutch, the sixty-second of +that name) consists in the worship of Death. We have sacred books, some +three thousand thick volumes, said to be written by inspiration of Death +himself, whom no mortal has ever seen, but who is described by our priests +as having the figure of a fat young man with a red face and wearing an +affable smile. In art he is commonly represented in the costume of a +husbandman sowing seeds. + +"The priests and sacred books teach that death is the supreme and only +good--that the chief duties of man are, therefore, assassination and +suicide. Conviction of these cardinal truths is universal among us, but I +am sorry to say that many do not honestly live up to the faith. Most of us +are commendably zealous in assassination, but slack and lukewarm in +suicide. Some justify themselves in this half-hearted observance of the +Law and imperfect submission to the Spirit by arguing that if they destroy +themselves their usefulness in destroying others will be greatly abridged. +'I find,' says one of our most illustrious writers, not without a certain +force, it must be confessed, 'that I can slay many more of others than I +can of myself.' + +"There are still others, more distinguished for faith than works, who +reason that if A kill B, B cannot kill C. So it happens that although many +Lalugwumps die, mostly by the hands of others, though some by their own, +the country is never wholly depopulated." + +"In my own country," said I, "is a sect holding somewhat Lalugwumpian +views of the evil of life; and among the members it is considered a sin to +bestow it. The philosopher Schopenhauer taught the same doctrine, and many +of our rulers have shown strong sympathetic leanings toward it by +procuring the destruction of many of their own people and those of other +nations in what is called war." + +"They are greatly to be commended," said Gnarmag-Zote, rising to intimate +that the conversation was at an end. I respectfully protruded my tongue +while he withdrew into his palace, spitting politely and with unusual +copiousness in acknowledgment. A few minutes later, but before I had left +the spot, two lackeys in livery emerged from the door by which he had +entered, and while one shouldered the body of the old man and carried it +into the palace kitchen the other informed me that his Highness was +graciously pleased to desire my company at dinner that evening. With many +expressions of regret I declined the invitation, unaware that to do so was +treason. With the circumstances of my escape to the island of Tamtonia the +newspapers have made the world already familiar. + + +THE TAMTONIANS + +In all my intercourse with the Tamtonians I was treated with the most +distinguished consideration and no obstacles to a perfect understanding of +their social and political life were thrown in my way. My enforced +residence on the island was, however, too brief to enable me to master the +whole subject as I should have liked to do. + +The government of Tamtonia is what is known in the language of the island +as a _gilbuper_. It differs radically from any form known in other parts +of the world and is supposed to have been invented by an ancient chief of +the race, named Natas, who was for many centuries after his death +worshiped as a god, and whose memory is still held in veneration. The +government is of infinite complexity, its various functions distributed +among as many officers as possible, multiplication of places being +regarded as of the greatest importance, and not so much a means as an end. +The Tamtonians seem to think that the highest good to which a human being +can attain is the possession of an office; and in order that as many as +possible may enjoy that advantage they have as many offices as the country +will support, and make the tenure brief and in no way dependent on good +conduct and intelligent administration of official duty. In truth, it +occurs usually that a man is turned out of his office (in favor of an +incompetent successor) before he has acquired sufficient experience to +perform his duties with credit to himself or profit to the country. Owing +to this incredible folly, the affairs of the island are badly mismanaged. +Complaints are the rule, even from those who have had their way in the +choice of officers. Of course there can be no such thing as a knowledge of +the science of government among such a people, for it is to nobody's +interest to acquire it by study of political history. There is, indeed, a +prevalent belief that nothing worth knowing is to be learned from the +history of other nations--not even from the history of their errors--such +is this extraordinary people's national vanity! One of the most notable +consequences of this universal and voluntary ignorance is that Tamtonia is +the home of all the discreditable political and fiscal heresies from which +many other nations, and especially our own, emancipated themselves +centuries ago. They are there in vigorous growth and full flower, and +believed to be of purely Tamtonian origin. + +It needs hardly to be stated that in their personal affairs these people +pursue an entirely different course, for if they did not there could be no +profitable industries and professions among them, and no property to tax +for the support of their government. In his private business a Tamtonian +has as high appreciation of fitness and experience as anybody, and having +secured a good man keeps him in service as long as possible. + +The ruler of the nation, whom they call a _Tnediserp_, is chosen every +five years but may be rechosen for five more. He is supposed to be +selected by the people themselves, but in reality they have nothing to do +with his selection. The method of choosing a man for _Tnediserp_ is so +strange that I doubt my ability to make it clear. + +The adult male population of the island divides itself into two or more +_seitrap_[1] Commonly there are three or four, but only two ever have any +considerable numerical strength, and none is ever strong morally or +intellectually. All the members of each _ytrap_ profess the same political +opinions, which are provided for them by their leaders every five years +and written down on pieces of paper so that they will not be forgotten. +The moment that any Tamtonian has read his piece of paper, or _mroftalp_, +he unhesitatingly adopts all the opinions that he finds written on it, +sometimes as many as forty or fifty, although these may be altogether +different from, or even antagonistic to, those with which he was supplied +five years before and has been advocating ever since. It will be seen from +this that the Tamtonian mind is a thing whose processes no American can +hope to respect, or even understand. It is instantaneously convinced +without either fact or argument, and when these are afterward presented +they only confirm it in its miraculous conviction; those which make +against that conviction having an even stronger confirmatory power than +the others. I have said any Tamtonian, but that is an overstatement. A few +usually persist in thinking as they did before; or in altering their +convictions in obedience to reason instead of authority, as our own people +do; but they are at once assailed with the most opprobrious names, accused +of treason and all manner of crimes, pelted with mud and stones and in +some instances deprived of their noses and ears by the public executioner. +Yet in no country is independence of thought so vaunted as a virtue, and +in none is freedom of speech considered so obvious a natural right or so +necessary to good government. + + [1] The Tamtonian language forms its plurals most irregularly, but + usually by an initial inflection. It has a certain crude and + primitive grammar, but in point of orthoepy is extremely + difficult. With our letters I can hardly hope to give an + accurate conception of its pronunciation. As nearly as possible + I write its words as they sounded to my ear when carefully + spoken for my instruction by intelligent natives. It is a harsh + tongue. + +At the same time that each _ytrap_ is supplied with its political opinions +for the next five years, its leaders--who, I am told, all pursue the +vocation of sharpening axes--name a man whom they wish chosen for the +office of _Tnediserp_. He is usually an idiot from birth, the Tamtonians +having a great veneration for such, believing them to be divinely +inspired. Although few members of the _ytrap_ have ever heard of him +before, they at once believe him to have been long the very greatest idiot +in the country; and for the next few months they do little else than quote +his words and point to his actions to prove that his idiocy is of entirely +superior quality to that of his opponent--a view that he himself, +instructed by his discoverers, does and says all that he can to confirm. +His inarticulate mumblings are everywhere repeated as utterances of +profound wisdom, and the slaver that drools from his chin is carefully +collected and shown to the people, evoking the wildest enthusiasm of his +supporters. His opponents all this time are trying to blacken his +character by the foulest conceivable falsehoods, some even going so far as +to assert that he is not an idiot at all! It is generally agreed among +them that if he were chosen to office the most dreadful disasters would +ensue, and that, _therefore_, he will not be chosen. + +To this last mentioned conviction, namely that the opposing candidate +(_rehtot lacsar_) cannot possibly be chosen, I wish to devote a few words +here, for it seems to me one of the most extraordinary phenomena of the +human mind. It implies, of course, a profound belief in the wisdom of +majorities and the error of minorities. This belief can and does in some +mysterious way co-exist, in the Tamtonian understanding, with the deepest +disgust and most earnest disapproval of a decision which a majority has +made. It is of record, indeed, that one political _ytrap_ sustained no +fewer than six successive defeats without at all impairing its conviction +that the right side must win. In each recurring contest this ytrap was as +sure that it would succeed as it had been in all the preceding ones--and +sure _because_ it believed itself in the right! It has been held by some +native observers that this conviction is not actually entertained, but +only professed for the purpose of influencing the action of others; but +this is disproved by the fact that even after the contest is decided, +though the result is unknown--when nobody's action can have effect--the +leaders (ax-sharpeners) continue earnestly to "claim" this province and +that, up to the very last moment of uncertainty, and the common people +murder one another in the streets for the crime of doubting that the man +is chosen whom the assassin was pleased to prefer. When the majority of a +province has chosen one candidate and a majority of the nation another, +the mental situation of the worthy Tamtonian is not over-easy of +conception, but there can be no doubt that his faith in the wisdom of +majorities remains unshaken. + +One of the two antagonistic idiots having been chosen as ruler, it is +customary to speak of him as "the choice of the people," whereas it is +obvious that he is one of the few men, seldom exceeding two or three, whom +it is certainly known that nearly one-half the people regard as unfit for +the position. He is less certainly "the people's choice" than any other +man in the country excepting his unsuccessful opponents; for while it is +known that a large body of his countrymen did not want him, it cannot be +known how many of his supporters really preferred some other person, but +had no opportunity to make their preference effective. + +The Tamtonians are very proud of their form of government, which gives +them so much power in selecting their rulers. This power consists in the +privilege of choosing between two men whom but a few had a voice in +selecting from among many millions, any one of whom the rest might have +preferred to either. Yet every Tamtonian is as vain of possessing this +incalculably small influence as if he were a Warwick in making kings and a +Bismarck in using them. He gives himself as many airs and graces as would +be appropriate to the display of an honest pin-feather upon the +pope's-nose of a mooley peacock. + +Each congenital idiot whom the ax-grinders name for the office of +_Tnediserp_ has upon the "ticket" with him a dead man, who stands or falls +with his leader. There is no way of voting for the idiot without voting +for the corpse also, and _vice versa_. When one of these precious couples +has been chosen the idiot in due time enters upon the duties of his office +and the corpse is put into an ice-chest and carefully preserved from +decay. If the idiot should himself become a corpse he is buried at once +and the other body is then haled out of its ice to take his place. It is +propped up in the seat of authority and duly instated in power. This is +the signal for a general attack upon it. It is subjected to every kind of +sacrilegious indignity, vituperated as a usurper and an "accident," struck +with rotten eggs and dead cats, and undergoes the meanest +misrepresentation. Its attitude in the chair, its fallen jaw, glazed eyes +and degree of decomposition are caricatured and exaggerated out of all +reason. Yet such as it is it must be endured for the unexpired term for +which its predecessor was chosen. To guard against a possible interregnum, +however, a law has recently been passed providing that if it should tumble +out of the chair and be too rotten to set up again its clerks +(_seiraterces_) are eligible to its place in a stated order of succession. +Here we have the amazing anomaly of the rulers of a "free" people actually +appointing their potential successors!--a thing inexpressibly repugnant to +all our ideas of popular government, but apparently regarded in Tamtonia +as a matter of course. + +During the few months intervening between the ax-men's selection of +candidates and the people's choice between those selected (a period known +as the _laitnediserp ngiapmac_) the Tamtonian character is seen at its +worst. There is no infamy too great or too little for the partisans of the +various candidates to commit and accuse their opponents of committing. +While every one of them declares, and in his heart believes, that honest +arguments have greater weight than dishonest; that falsehood reacts on the +falsifier's cause; that appeals to passion and prejudice are as +ineffectual as dishonorable, few have the strength and sense to deny +themselves the luxury of all these methods and worse ones. The laws +against bribery, made by themselves, are set at naught and those of +civility and good breeding are forgotten. The best of friends quarrel and +openly insult one another. The women, who know almost as little of the +matters at issue as the men, take part in the abominable discussions; some +even encouraging the general demoralization by showing themselves at the +public meetings, sometimes actually putting themselves into uniform and +marching in procession with banners, music and torchlights. + +I feel that this last statement will be hardly understood without +explanation. Among the agencies employed by the Tamtonians to prove that +one set of candidates is better than another, or to show that one +political policy is more likely than another to promote the general +prosperity, a high place is accorded to colored rags, flames of fire, +noises made upon brass instruments, inarticulate shouts, explosions of +gunpowder and lines of men walking and riding through the streets in cheap +and tawdry costumes more or less alike. Vast sums of money are expended to +procure these strange evidences of the personal worth of candidates and +the political sanity of ideas. It is very much as if a man should paint +his nose pea-green and stand on his head to convince his neighbors that +his pigs are fed on acorns. Of course the money subscribed for these +various controversial devices is not all wasted; the greater part of it is +pocketed by the ax-grinders by whom it is solicited, and who have invented +the system. That they have invented it for their own benefit seems not to +have occurred to the dupes who pay for it. In the universal madness +everybody believes whatever monstrous and obvious falsehood is told by the +leaders of his own _ytrap_, and nobody listens for a moment to the +exposures of their rascality. Reason has flown shrieking from the scene; +Caution slumbers by the wayside with unbuttoned pocket. It is the +opportunity of thieves! + +With a view to abating somewhat the horrors of this recurring season of +depravity, it has been proposed by several wise and decent Tamtonians to +extend the term of office of the _Tnediserp_ to six years instead of five, +but the sharpeners of axes are too powerful to be overthrown. They have +made the people believe that if the man whom the country chooses to rule +it because it thinks him wise and good were permitted to rule it too long +it would be impossible to displace him in punishment for his folly and +wickedness. It is, indeed, far more likely that the term of office will be +reduced to four years than extended to six. The effect can be no less than +hideous! + +In Tamtonia there is a current popular saying dating from many centuries +back and running this way: "_Eht eciffo dluohs kees eht nam, ton eht nam +eht eciffo_"--which may be translated thus: "No citizen ought to try to +secure power for himself, but should be selected by others for his fitness +to exercise it." The sentiment which this wise and decent phrase expresses +has long ceased to have a place in the hearts of those who are +everlastingly repeating it, but with regard to the office of _Tnediserp_ +it has still a remnant of the vitality of habit. This, however, is fast +dying out, and a few years ago one of the congenital idiots who was a +candidate for the highest dignity boldly broke the inhibition and made +speeches to the people in advocacy of himself, all over the country. Even +more recently another has uttered his preferences in much the same way, +but with this difference: he did his speechmaking at his own home, the +ax-grinders in his interest rounding up audiences for him and herding them +before his door. One of the two corpses, too, was galvanized into a kind +of ghastly activity and became a talking automaton; but the other had been +too long dead. In a few years more the decent tradition that a man should +not blow his own horn will be obsolete in its application to the high +office, as it is to all the others, but the popular saying will lose none +of its currency for that. + +To the American mind nothing can be more shocking than the Tamtonian +practice of openly soliciting political preferment and even paying money +to assist in securing it. With us such immodesty would be taken as proof +of the offender's unfitness to exercise the power which he asks for, or +bear the dignity which, in soliciting it, he belittles. Yet no Tamtonian +ever refused to take the hand of a man guilty of such conduct, and there +have been instances of fathers giving these greedy vulgarians the hands of +their daughters in marriage and thereby assisting to perpetuate the +species. The kind of government given by men who go about begging for the +right to govern can be more easily imagined than endured. In short, I +cannot help thinking that when, unable longer to bear with patience the +evils entailed by the vices and follies of its inhabitants, I sailed away +from the accursed island of Tamtonia, I left behind me the most pestilent +race of rascals and ignoramuses to be found anywhere in the universe; and +I never can sufficiently thank the divine Power who spared me the +disadvantage and shame of being one of them, and cast my lot in this +favored land of goodness and right reason, the blessed abode of public +morality and private worth--of liberty, conscience and common sense. + +I was not, however, to reach it without further detention in barbarous +countries. After being at sea four days I was seized by my mutinous crew, +set ashore upon an island, and having been made insensible by a blow upon +the head was basely abandoned. + + +MAROONED ON UG + +When I regained my senses I found myself lying on the strand a short +remove from the margin of the sea. It was high noon and an insupportable +itching pervaded my entire frame, that being the effect of sunshine in +that country, as heat is in ours. Having observed that the discomfort was +abated by the passing of a light cloud between me and the sun, I dragged +myself with some difficulty to a clump of trees near by and found +permanent relief in their shade. As soon as I was comfortable enough to +examine my surroundings I saw that the trees were of metal, apparently +copper, with leaves of what resembled pure silver, but may have contained +alloy. Some of the trees bore burnished flowers shaped like bells, and in +a breeze the tinkling as they clashed together was exceedingly sweet. The +grass with which the open country was covered as far as I could see +amongst the patches of forest was of a bright scarlet hue, excepting along +the water-courses, where it was white. Lazily cropping it at some little +distance away, or lying in it, indolently chewing the cud and attended by +a man half-clad in skins and bearing a crook, was a flock of tigers. My +travels in New Jersey having made me proof against surprise, I +contemplated these several visible phenomena without emotion, and with a +merely expectant interest in what might be revealed by further +observation. + +The tigerherd having perceived me, now came striding forward, brandishing +his crook and shaking his fists with great vehemence, gestures which I +soon learned were, in that country, signs of amity and good-will. But +before knowing that fact I had risen to my feet and thrown myself into a +posture of defense, and as he approached I led for his head with my left, +following with a stiff right upon his solar plexus, which sent him rolling +on the grass in great pain. After learning something of the social customs +of the country I felt extreme mortification in recollecting this breach of +etiquette, and even to this day I cannot think upon it without a blush. + +Such was my first meeting with Jogogle-Zadester, Pastor-King of Ug, the +wisest and best of men. Later in our acquaintance, when I had for a long +time been an honored guest at his court, where a thousand fists were +ceremoniously shaken under my nose daily, he explained that my luke-warm +reception of his hospitable advances gave him, for the moment, an +unfavorable impression of my breeding and culture. + +The island of Ug, upon which I had been marooned, lies in the Southern +Hemisphere, but has neither latitude nor longitude. It has an area of +nearly seven hundred square _samtains_ and is peculiar in shape, its width +being considerably greater than its length. Politically it is a limited +monarchy, the right of succession to the throne being vested in the +sovereign's father, if he have one; if not in his grandfather, and so on +upward in the line of ascent. (As a matter of fact there has not within +historic times been a legitimate succession, even the great and good +Jogogle-Zadester being a usurper chosen by popular vote.) To assist him in +governing, the King is given a parliament, the Uggard word for which is +_gabagab_, but its usefulness is greatly circumscribed by the _Blubosh_, +or Constitution, which requires that every measure, in order to become a +law, shall have an affirmative majority of the actual members, yet forbids +any member to vote who has not a distinct pecuniary interest in the +result. I was once greatly amused by a spirited contest over a matter of +harbor improvement, each of two proposed harbors having its advocates. One +of these gentlemen, a most eloquent patriot, held the floor for hours in +advocacy of the port where he had an interest in a projected mill for +making dead kittens into cauliflower pickles; while other members were +being vigorously persuaded by one who at the other place had a clam ranch. +In a debate in the Uggard _gabagab_ no one can have a "standing" except a +party in interest; and as a consequence of this enlightened policy every +bill that is passed is found to be most intelligently adapted to its +purpose. + +The original intent of this requirement was that members having no +pecuniary interest in a proposed law at the time of its inception should +not embarrass the proceedings and pervert the result; but the inhibition +is now thought to be sufficiently observed by formal public acceptance of +a nominal bribe to vote one way or the other. It is of course understood +that behind the nominal bribe is commonly a more substantial one of which +there is no record. To an American accustomed to the incorrupt methods of +legislation in his own country the spectacle of every member of the Uggard +_gabagab_ qualifying himself to vote by marching up, each in his turn as +his name is called, to the proponent of the bill, or to its leading +antagonist, and solemnly receiving a _tonusi_ (the smallest coin of the +realm) is exceedingly novel. When I ventured to mention to the King my +lack of faith in the principle upon which this custom is founded, he +replied: + +"Heart of my soul, if you and your compatriots distrust the honesty and +intelligence of an interested motive why is it that in your own courts of +law, as you describe them, no private citizen can institute a civil action +to right the wrongs of anybody but himself?" + +I had nothing to say and the King proceeded: "And why is it that your +judges will listen to no argument from any one who has not acquired a +selfish concern in the matter?" + +"O, your Majesty," I answered with animation, "they listen to +attorneys-general, district attorneys and salaried officers of the law +generally, whose prosperity depends in no degree upon their success; who +prosecute none but those whom they believe to be guilty; who are careful +to present no false nor misleading testimony and argument; who are +solicitous that even the humblest accused person shall be accorded every +legal right and every advantage to which he is entitled; who, in brief, +are animated by the most humane sentiments and actuated by the purest and +most unselfish motives." + +The King's discomfiture was pitiful: he retired at once from the capital +and passed a whole year pasturing his flock of tigers in the solitudes +beyond the River of Wine. Seeing that I would henceforth be _persona non +grata_ at the palace, I sought obscurity in the writing and publication of +books. In this vocation I was greatly assisted by a few standard works +that had been put ashore with me in my sea-chest. + +The literature of Ug is copious and of high merit, but consists altogether +of fiction--mainly history, biography, theology and novels. Authors of +exceptional excellence receive from the state marks of signal esteem, +being appointed to the positions of laborers in the Department of Highways +and Cemeteries. Having been so fortunate as to win public favor and +attract official attention by my locally famous works, "The Decline and +Fall of the Roman Empire," "David Copperfield," "Pilgrim's Progress," and +"Ben Hur," I was myself that way distinguished and my future assured. +Unhappily, through ignorance of the duties and dignities of the position I +had the mischance to accept a gratuity for sweeping a street crossing and +was compelled to flee for my life. + +Disguising myself as a sailor I took service on a ship that sailed due +south into the unknown Sea. + +It is now many years since my marooning on Ug, but my recollection of the +country, its inhabitants and their wonderful manners and customs is +exceedingly vivid. Some small part of what most interested me I shall here +set down. + +The Uggards are, or fancy themselves, a warlike race: nowhere in those +distant seas are there any islanders so vain of their military power, the +consciousness of which they acquired chiefly by fighting one another. Many +years ago, however, they had a war with the people of another island +kingdom, called Wug. The Wuggards held dominion over a third island, +Scamadumclitchclitch, whose people had tried to throw off the yoke. In +order to subdue them--at least to tears--it was decided to deprive them of +garlic, the sole article of diet known to them and the Wuggards, and in +that country dug out of the ground like coal. So the Wuggards in the +rebellious island stopped up all the garlic mines, supplying their own +needs by purchase from foreign trading proas. Having few cowrie shells, +with which to purchase, the poor Scamadumclitchclitchians suffered a great +distress, which so touched the hearts of the compassionate Uggards--a most +humane and conscientious people--that they declared war against the +Wuggards and sent a fleet of proas to the relief of the sufferers. The +fleet established a strict blockade of every port in Scamadumclitchclitch, +and not a clove of garlic could enter the island. That compelled the +Wuggard army of occupation to reopen the mines for its own subsistence. + +All this was told to me by the great and good and wise Jogogle-Zadester, +King of Ug. + +"But, your Majesty," I said, "what became of the poor +Scamadumclitchclitchians?" + +"They all died," he answered with royal simplicity. + +"Then your Majesty's humane intervention," I said, "was not +entirely--well, fattening?" + +"The fortune of war," said the King, gravely, looking over my head to +signify that the interview was at an end; and I retired from the Presence +on hands and feet, as is the etiquette in that country. + +As soon as I was out of hearing I threw a stone in the direction of the +palace and said: "I never in my life heard of such a cold-blooded +scoundrel!" + +In conversation with the King's Prime Minister, the famous Grumsquutzy, I +asked him how it was that Ug, being a great military power, was apparently +without soldiers. + +"Sir," he replied, courteously shaking his fist under my nose in sign of +amity, "know that when Ug needs soldiers she enlists them. At the end of +the war they are put to death." + +"Visible embodiment of a great nation's wisdom," I said, "far be it from +me to doubt the expediency of that military method; but merely as a matter +of economy would it not be better to keep an army in time of peace than to +be compelled to create one in time of war?" + +"Ug is rich," he replied; "we do not have to consider matters of economy. +There is among our people a strong and instinctive distrust of a standing +army." + +"What are they afraid of," I asked--what do they fear that it will do?" + +"It is not what the army may do," answered the great man, "but what it may +prevent others from doing. You must know that we have in this land a thing +known as Industrial Discontent." + +"Ah, I see," I exclaimed, interrupting--"the industrial classes fear that +the army may destroy, or at least subdue, their discontent." + +The Prime Minister reflected profoundly, standing the while, in order that +he might assist his faculties by scratching himself, even as we, when +thinking, scratch our heads. + +"No," he said presently; "I don't think that is quite what they +apprehend--they and the writers and statesmen who speak for them. As I +said before, what is feared in a case of industrial discontent is the +army's preventive power. But I am myself uncertain what it is that these +good souls dislike to have the army prevent. I shall take the customary +means to learn." + +Having occasion on the next day to enter the great audience hall of the +palace I observed in gigantic letters running across the entire side +opposite the entrance this surprising inscription: + +"In a strike, what do you fear that the army will prevent which ought to +be done?" + +Facing the entrance sat Grumsquutzy, in his robes of office and surrounded +by an armed guard. At a little distance stood two great black slaves, each +bearing a scourge of thongs. All about them the floor was slippery with +blood. While I wondered at all this two policemen entered, having between +them one whom I recognized as a professional Friend of the People, a great +orator, keenly concerned for the interests of Labor. Shown the inscription +and unable or unwilling to answer, he was given over to the two blacks +and, being stripped to the skin, was beaten with the whips until he bled +copiously and his cries resounded through the palace. His ears were then +shorn away and he was thrown into the street. Another Friend of the People +was brought in, and treated in the same way; and the inquiry was +continued, day after day, until all had been interrogated. But Grumsquutzy +got no answer. + +A most extraordinary and interesting custom of the Uggards is called the +_Naganag_ and has existed, I was told, for centuries. Immediately after +every war, and before the returned army is put to death, the chieftains +who have held high command and their official head, the Minister of +National Displeasure, are conducted with much pomp to the public square of +Nabootka, the capital. Here all are stripped naked, deprived of their +sight with a hot iron and armed with a club each. They are then locked in +the square, which has an inclosing wall thirty _clowgebs_ high. A signal +is given and they begin to fight. At the end of three days the place is +entered and searched. If any of the dead bodies has an unbroken bone in it +the survivors are boiled in wine; if not they are smothered in butter. + +Upon the advantages of this custom--which surely has not its like in the +whole world--I could get little light. One public official told me its +purpose was "peace among the victorious"; another said it was "for +gratification of the military instinct in high places," though if that is +so one is disposed to ask "What was the war for?" The Prime Minister, +profoundly learned in all things else, could not enlighten me, and the +commander-in-chief in the Wuggard war could only tell me, while on his way +to the public square, that it was "to vindicate the truth of history." + +In all the wars in which Ug has engaged in historic times that with Wug +was the most destructive of life. Excepting among the comparatively few +troops that had the hygienic and preservative advantage of personal +collision with the enemy, the mortality was appalling. Regiments exposed +to the fatal conditions of camp life in their own country died like flies +in a frost. So pathetic were the pleas of the sufferers to be led against +the enemy and have a chance to live that none hearing them could forbear +to weep. Finally a considerable number of them went to the seat of war, +where they began an immediate attack upon a fortified city, for their +health; but the enemy's resistance was too brief materially to reduce the +death rate and the men were again in the hands of their officers. On their +return to Ug they were so few that the public executioners charged with +the duty of reducing the army to a peace footing were themselves made ill +by inactivity. + +As to the navy, the war with Wug having shown the Uggard sailors to be +immortal, their government knows not how to get rid of them, and remains a +great sea power in spite of itself. I ventured to suggest mustering out, +but neither the King nor any Minister of State was able to form a +conception of any method of reduction and retrenchment but that of the +public headsman. + +It is said--I do not know with how much truth--that the defeat of Wug was +made easy by a certain malicious prevision of the Wuggards themselves: +something of the nature of heroic self-sacrifice, the surrender of a +present advantage for a terrible revenge in the future. As an instance, +the commander of the fortified city already mentioned is reported to have +ordered his garrison to kill as few of their assailants as possible. + +"It is true," he explained to his subordinates, who favored a defense to +the death--"it is true this will lose us the place, but there are other +places; you have not thought of that." + +They had not thought of that. + +"It is true, too, that we shall be taken prisoners, but"--and he smiled +grimly--"we have fairly good appetites, and we must be fed. That will cost +something, I take it. But that is not the best of it. Look at that vast +host of our enemies--each one of them a future pensioner on a fool people. +If there is among us one man who would willingly deprive the Uggard +treasury of a single dependent--who would spare the Uggard pigs one +_gukwam_ of expense, let the traitor stand forth." + +No traitor stood forth, and in the ensuing battles the garrison, it is +said, fired only blank cartridges, and such of the assailants as were +killed incurred that mischance by falling over their own feet. + +It is estimated by Wuggard statisticians that in twenty years from the +close of the war the annual appropriation for pensions in Ug will amount +to no less than one hundred and sixty _gumdums_ to every enlisted man in +the kingdom. But they know not the Uggard customs of exterminating the +army. + + +THE DOG IN GANEGWAG + + +A about the end of the thirty-seventh month of our voyage due south from +Ug we sighted land, and although the coast appeared wild and inhospitable, +the captain decided to send a boat ashore in search of fresh water and +provisions, of which we were in sore need. I was of the boat's crew and +thought myself fortunate in being able to set foot again upon the earth. +There were seven others in the landing party, including the mate, who +commanded. + +Selecting a sheltered cove, which appeared to be at the mouth of a small +creek, we beached the boat, and leaving two men to guard it started inland +toward a grove of trees. Before we reached it an animal came out of it and +advanced confidently toward us, showing no signs of either fear or +hostility. It was a hideous creature, not altogether like anything that we +had ever seen, but on its close approach we recognized it as a dog, of an +unimaginably loathsome breed. As we were nearly famished one of the +sailors shot it for food. Instantly a great crowd of persons, who had +doubtless been watching us from among the trees, rushed upon us with +fierce exclamations and surrounded us, making the most threatening +gestures and brandishing unfamiliar weapons. Unable to resist such odds we +were seized, bound with cords and dragged into the forest almost before we +knew what had happened to us. Observing the nature of our reception the +ship's crew hastily weighed anchor and sailed away. We never again saw +them. + +Beyond the trees concealing it from the sea was a great city, and thither +we were taken. It was Gumammam, the capital of Ganegwag, whose people are +dog-worshipers. The fate of my companions I never learned, for although I +remained in the country for seven years, much of the time as a prisoner, +and learned to speak its language, no answer was ever given to my many +inquiries about my unfortunate friends. + +The Ganegwagians are an ancient race with a history covering a period of +ten thousand _supintroes_. In stature they are large, in color blue, with +crimson hair and yellow eyes. They live to a great age, sometimes as much +as twenty _supintroes_, their climate being so wholesome that even the +aged have to sail to a distant island in order to die. Whenever a +sufficient number of them reach what they call "the age of going away" +they embark on a government ship and in the midst of impressive public +rites and ceremonies set sail for "the Isle of the Happy Change." Of their +strange civilization, their laws, manners and customs, their copper +clothing and liquid houses I have written--at perhaps too great length--in +my famous book, "Ganegwag the Incredible." Here I shall confine myself to +their religion, certainly the most amazing form of superstition in the +world. + +Nowhere, it is believed, but in Ganegwag has so vile a creature as the dog +obtained general recognition as a deity. There this filthy beast is +considered so divine that it is freely admitted to the domestic circle and +cherished as an honored guest. Scarcely a family that is able to support a +dog is without one, and some have as many as a half-dozen. Indeed, the dog +is the special deity of the poor, those families having most that are +least able to maintain them. In some sections of the country, particularly +the southern and southwestern provinces, the number of dogs is estimated +to be greater than that of the children, as is the cost of their +maintenance. In families of the rich they are fewer in number, but more +sacredly cherished, especially by the female members, who lavish upon them +a wealth of affection not always granted to the husband and children, and +distinguish them with indescribable attentions and endearments. + +Nowhere is the dog compelled to make any other return for all this honor +and benefaction than a fawning and sycophantic demeanor toward those who +bestow them and an insulting and injurious attitude toward strangers who +have dogs of their own, and toward other dogs. In any considerable town of +the realm not a day passes but the public newsman relates in the most +matter-of-fact and unsympathetic way to his circle of listless auditors +painful instances of human beings, mostly women and children, bitten and +mangled by these ferocious animals without provocation. + +In addition to these ravages of the dog in his normal state are a vastly +greater number of outrages committed by the sacred animal in the fury of +insanity, for he has an hereditary tendency to madness, and in that state +his bite is incurable, the victim awaiting in the most horrible agony the +sailing of the next ship to the Isle of the Happy Change, his suffering +imperfectly medicined by expressions of public sympathy for the dog. + +A cynical citizen of Gumammam said to the writer of this narrative: "My +countrymen have three hundred kinds of dogs, and only one way to hang a +thief." Yet all the dogs are alike in this, that none is respectable. + +Withal, it must be said of this extraordinary people that their horrible +religion is free from the hollow forms and meaningless ceremonies in which +so many superstitions of the lower races find expression. It is a religion +of love, practical, undemonstrative, knowing nothing of pageantry and +spectacle. It is hidden in the lives and hearts of the people; a stranger +would hardly know of its existence as a distinct faith. Indeed, other +faiths and better ones (one of them having some resemblance to a debased +form of Christianity) co-exist with it, sometimes in the same mind. +Cynolatry is tolerant so long as the dog is not denied an equal divinity +with the deities of other faiths. Nevertheless, I could not think of the +people of Ganegwag without contempt and loathing; so it was with no small +joy that I sailed for the contiguous island of Ghargaroo to consult, +according to my custom, the renowned statesman and philosopher, +Juptka-Getch, who was accounted the wisest man in all the world, and held +in so high esteem that no one dared speak to him without the sovereign's +permission, countersigned by the Minister of Morals and Manners. + + +A CONFLAGRATION IN GHARGAROO + +Through the happy accident of having a mole on the left side of my nose, +as had also a cousin of the Prime Minister, I obtained a royal rescript +permitting me to speak to the great Juptka-Getch, and went humbly to his +dwelling, which, to my astonishment, I found to be an unfurnished cave in +the side of a mountain. Inexpressibly surprised to observe that a favorite +of the sovereign and the people was so meanly housed, I ventured, after my +salutation, to ask how this could be so. Regarding me with an indulgent +smile, the venerable man, who was about two hundred and fifty years old +and entirely bald, explained. + +"In one of our Sacred Books, of which we have three thousand," said he, +"it is written, '_Golooloo ek wakwah betenka_,' and in another, '_Jebeb uq +seedroy im aboltraqu ocrux ti smelkit_.'" + +Translated, these mean, respectively, "The poor are blessed," and, "Heaven +is not easily entered by those who are rich." + +I asked Juptka-Getch if his countrymen really gave to these texts a +practical application in the affairs of life. + +"Why, surely," he replied, "you cannot think us such fools as to disregard +the teachings of our gods! That would be madness. I cannot imagine a +people so mentally and morally depraved as that! Can you?" + +Observing me blushing and stammering, he inquired the cause of my +embarrassment. "The thought of so incredible a thing confuses me," I +managed to reply. "But tell me if in your piety and wisdom you really +stripped yourself of all your property in order to obey the gods and get +the benefit of indigence." + +"I did not have to do so," he replied with a smile; "my King attended to +that. When he wishes to distinguish one of his subjects by a mark of his +favor, he impoverishes him to such a degree as will attest the exact +measure of the royal approbation. I am proud to say that he took from me +all that I had." + +"But, pardon me," I said; "how does it occur that among a people which +regards poverty as the greatest earthly good all are not poor? I observe +here as much wealth and 'prosperity' as in my own country." + +Juptka-Getch smiled and after a few moments answered: "The only person in +this country that owns anything is the King; in the service of his people +he afflicts himself with that burden. All property, of whatsoever kind, is +his, to do with as he will. He divides it among his subjects in the ratio +of their demerit, as determined by the _waguks_--local officers--whose +duty it is to know personally every one in their jurisdiction. To the most +desperate and irreclaimable criminals is allotted the greatest wealth, +which is taken from them, little by little, as they show signs of +reformation." + +"But what," said I, "is to prevent the wicked from becoming poor at any +time? How can the King and his officers keep the unworthy, suffering the +punishment and peril of wealth, from giving it away?" + +"To whom, for example?" replied the illustrious man, taking the forefinger +of his right hand into his mouth, as is the fashion in Ghargaroo when +awaiting an important communication. The respectful formality of the +posture imperfectly concealed the irony of the question, but I was not of +the kind to be easily silenced. + +"One might convert one's property into money," I persisted, "and throw the +money into the sea." + +Juptka-Getch released the finger and gravely answered: "Every person in +Ghargaroo is compelled by law to keep minute accounts of his income and +expenditures, and must swear to them. There is an annual appraisement by +the _waguk_, and any needless decrease in the value of an estate is +punished by breaking the offender's legs. Expenditures for luxuries and +high living are, of course, approved, for it is universally known among +us, and attested by many popular proverbs, that the pleasures of the rich +are vain and disappointing. So they are considered a part of the +punishment, and not only allowed but required. A man sentenced to wealth +who lives frugally, indulging in only rational and inexpensive delights, +has his ears cut off for the first offense, and for the second is +compelled to pass six months at court, participating in all the gaieties, +extravagances and pleasures of the capital, and----" + +"Most illustrious of mortals," I said, turning a somersault--the +Ghargarese manner of interrupting a discourse without offense--"I am as +the dust upon your beard, but in my own country I am esteemed no fool, and +right humbly do I perceive that you are _ecxroptug nemk puttog peleemy_." + +This expression translates, literally, "giving me a fill," a phrase +without meaning in our tongue, but in Ghargarese it appears to imply +incredulity. + +"The gaieties of the King's court," I continued, "must be expensive. The +courtiers of the sovereign's entourage, the great officers of the +realm--surely they are not condemned to wealth, like common criminals!" + +"My son," said Juptka-Getch, tearing out a handful of his beard to signify +his tranquillity under accusation, "your doubt of my veracity is noted +with satisfaction, but it is not permitted to you to impeach my +sovereign's infallible knowledge of character. His courtiers, the great +officers of the realm, as you truly name them, are the richest men in the +country because he knows them to be the greatest rascals. After each +annual reapportionment of the national wealth he settles upon them the +unallotted surplus." + +Prostrating myself before the eminent philosopher, I craved his pardon for +my doubt of his sovereign's wisdom and consistency, and begged him to cut +off my head. + +"Nay," he said, "you have committed the unpardonable sin and I cannot +consent to bestow upon you the advantages of death. You shall continue to +live the thing that you are." + +"What!" I cried, remembering the Lalugwumps and Gnarmag-Zote, "is it +thought in Ghargaroo that death is an advantage, a blessing?" + +"Our Sacred Books," he said, "are full of texts affirming the vanity of +life." + +"Then," I said, "I infer that the death penalty is unknown to your laws!" + +"We have the life penalty instead. Convicted criminals are not only +enriched, as already explained, but by medical attendance kept alive as +long as possible. On the contrary, the very righteous, who have been +rewarded with poverty, are permitted to die whenever it pleases them. + +"Do not the Sacred Books of your country teach the vanity of life, the +blessedness of poverty and the wickedness of wealth?" + +"They do, O Most Illustrious, they do." + +"And your countrymen believe?" + +"Surely--none but the foolish and depraved entertain a doubt." + +"Then I waste my breath in expounding laws and customs already known to +you. You have, of course, the same." + +At this I averted my face and blushed so furiously that the walls of the +cave were illuminated with a wavering crimson like the light of a great +conflagration! Thinking that the capital city was ablaze, Juptka-Getch ran +from the cave's mouth, crying, "Fire, fire!" and I saw him no more. + + +AN EXECUTION IN BATRUGIA + +My next voyage was not so prosperous. By violent storms lasting seven +weeks, during which we saw neither the sun nor the stars, our ship was +driven so far out of its course that the captain had no knowledge of where +we were. At the end of that period we were blown ashore and wrecked on a +coast so wild and desolate that I had never seen anything so terrifying. +Through a manifest interposition of Divine Providence I was spared, though +all my companions perished miserably in the waves that had crushed the +ship among the rocks. + +As soon as I was sufficiently recovered from my fatigue and bruises, and +had rendered thanks to merciful Heaven for my deliverance, I set out for +the interior of the country, taking with me a cutlas for protection +against wild beasts and a bag of sea-biscuit for sustenance. I walked +vigorously, for the weather was then cool and pleasant, and after I had +gone a few miles from the inhospitable coast I found the country open and +level. The earth was covered with a thick growth of crimson grass, and at +wide intervals were groups of trees. These were very tall, their tops in +many instances invisible in a kind of golden mist, or haze, which proved +to be, not a transient phenomenon, but a permanent one, for never in that +country has the sun been seen, nor is there any night. The haze seems to +be self-luminous, giving a soft, yellow light, so diffused that shadows +are unknown. The land is abundantly supplied with pools and rivulets, +whose water is of a beautiful orange color and has a pleasing perfume +somewhat like attar of rose. I observed all this without surprise and with +little apprehension, and went forward, feeling that anything, however +novel and mysterious, was better than the familiar terrors of the sea and +the coast. + +After traveling a long time, though how long I had not the means to +determine, I arrived at the city of Momgamwo, the capital of the kingdom +of Batrugia, on the mainland of the Hidden Continent, where it is always +twelve o'clock. + +The Batrugians are of gigantic stature, but mild and friendly disposition. +They offered me no violence, seeming rather amused by my small stature. +One of them, who appeared to be a person of note and consequence, took me +to his house (their houses are but a single story in height and built of +brass blocks), set food before me, and by signs manifested the utmost good +will. A long time afterward, when I had learned the language of the +country, he explained that he had recognized me as an American pigmy, a +race of which he had some little knowledge through a letter from a +brother, who had been in my country. He showed me the letter, of which the +chief part is here presented in translation: + +"You ask me, my dear Tgnagogu, to relate my adventures among the +Americans, as they call themselves. My adventures were very brief, lasting +altogether not more than three _gumkas_, and most of the time was passed +in taking measures for my own safety. + +"My skyship, which had been driven for six moons before an irresistible +gale, passed over a great city just at daylight one morning, and rather +than continue the voyage with a lost reckoning I demanded that I be +permitted to disembark. My wish was respected, and my companions soared +away without me. Before night I had escaped from the city, by what means +you know, and with my remarkable experiences in returning to civilization +all Batrugia is familiar. The description of the strange city I have +reserved for you, by whom only could I hope to be believed. Nyork, as its +inhabitants call it, is a city of inconceivable extent--not less, I should +judge, than seven square _glepkeps_! Of the number of its inhabitants I +can only say that they are as the sands of the desert. They wear +clothing--of a hideous kind, 'tis true--speak an apparently copious though +harsh language, and seem to have a certain limited intelligence. They are +puny in stature, the tallest of them being hardly higher than my breast. + +"Nevertheless, Nyork is a city of giants. The magnitude of all things +artificial there is astounding! My dear Tgnagogu, words can give you no +conception of it. Many of the buildings, I assure you, are as many as +fifty _sprugas_ in height, and shelter five thousand persons each. And +these stupendous structures are so crowded together that to the spectator +in the narrow streets below they seem utterly devoid of design and +symmetry--mere monstrous aggregations of brick, stone and metal--mountains +of masonry, cliffs and crags of architecture hanging in the sky! + +"A city of giants inhabited by pigmies! For you must know, oh friend of my +liver, that the rearing of these mighty structures could not be the work +of the puny folk that swarm in ceaseless activity about their bases. These +fierce little savages invaded the island in numbers so overwhelming that +the giant builders had to flee before them. Some escaped across great +bridges which, with the help of their gods, they had suspended in the air +from bank to bank of a wide river parting the island from the mainland, +but many could do no better than mount some of the buildings that they had +reared, and there, in these inaccessible altitudes, they dwell to-day, +still piling stone upon stone. Whether they do this in obedience to their +instinct as builders, or in hope to escape by way of the heavens, I had +not the means to learn, being ignorant of the pigmy tongue and in +continual fear of the crowds that followed me. + +"You can see the giants toiling away up there in the sky, laying in place +the enormous beams and stones which none but they could handle. They look +no bigger than beetles, but you know that they are many _sprugas_ in +stature, and you shudder to think what would ensue if one should lose his +footing. Fancy that great bulk whirling down to earth from so dizzy an +altitude!... + +"May birds ever sing above your grave. + +"JOQUOLK WAK MGAPY." + +By my new friend, Tgnagogu, I was presented to the King, a most +enlightened monarch, who not only reigned over, but ruled absolutely, the +most highly civilized people in the world. He received me with gracious +hospitality, quartered me in the palace of his Prime Minister, gave me for +wives the three daughters of his Lord Chamberlain, and provided me with an +ample income from the public revenues. Within a year I had made a fair +acquaintance with the Batrugian language, and was appointed royal +interpreter, with a princely salary, although no one speaking any other +tongue, myself and two native professors of rhetoric excepted, had ever +been seen in the kingdom. + +One day I heard a great tumult in the street, and going to a window saw, +in a public square opposite, a crowd of persons surrounding some high +officials who were engaged in cutting off a man's head. Just before the +executioner delivered the fatal stroke, the victim was asked if he had +anything to say. He explained with earnestness that the deed for which he +was about to suffer had been inspired and commanded by a brass-headed cow +and four bushels of nightingales' eggs! + +"Hold! hold!" I shouted in Batrugian, leaping from the window and forcing +a way through the throng; "the man is obviously insane!" + +"Friend," said a man in a long blue robe, gently restraining me, "it is +not proper for you to interrupt these high proceedings with irrelevant +remarks. The luckless gentleman who, in accordance with my will as Lord +Chief Justice, has just had the happiness to part with his head was so +inconsiderate as to take the life of a fellow-subject." + +"But he was insane," I persisted, "clearly and indisputably _ptig nupy +uggydug_!"--a phrase imperfectly translatable, meaning, as near as may be, +having flitter-mice in his campanile. + +"Am I to infer," said the Lord Chief Justice, "that in your own honorable +country a person accused of murder is permitted to plead insanity as a +reason why he should not be put to death?" + +"Yes, illustrious one," I replied, respectfully, "we regard that as a good +defense." + +"Well," said he slowly, but with extreme emphasis, "I'll be _Gook +swottled_!" + +("_Gook_," I may explain, is the name of the Batrugian chief deity; but +for the verb "to swottle" the English tongue has no equivalent. It seems +to signify the deepest disapproval, and by a promise to be "_swottled_" a +Batrugian denotes acute astonishment.) + +"Surely," I said, "so wise and learned a person as you cannot think it +just to punish with death one who does not know right from wrong. The +gentleman who has just now renounced his future believed himself to have +been commanded to do what he did by a brass-headed cow and four bushels of +nightingales' eggs--powers to which he acknowledged a spiritual +allegiance. To have disobeyed would have been, from his point of view, an +infraction of a law higher than that of man." + +"Honorable but erring stranger," replied the famous jurist, "if we +permitted the prisoner in a murder trial to urge such a consideration as +that--if our laws recognized any other justification than that he believed +himself in peril of immediate death or great bodily injury--nearly all +assassins would make some such defense. They would plead insanity of some +kind and degree, and it would be almost impossible to establish their +guilt. Murder trials would be expensive and almost interminable, defiled +with perjury and sentiment. Juries would be deluded and confused, justice +baffled, and red-handed man-killers turned loose to repeat their crimes +and laugh at the law. Even as the law is, in a population of only one +hundred million we have had no fewer than three homicides in less than +twenty years! With such statutes and customs as yours we should have had +at least twice as many. Believe me, I know my people; they have not the +American respect for human life." + +As blushing is deemed in Batrugia a sign of pride, I turned my back upon +the speaker--an act which, fortunately, signifies a desire to hear more. + +"Law," he continued, "is for the good of the greatest number. Execution of +an actual lunatic now and then is not an evil to the community, nor, when +rightly considered, to the lunatic himself. He is better off when dead, +and society is profited by his removal. We are spared the cost of exposing +imposture, the humiliation of acquitting the guilty, the peril of their +freedom, the contagion of their evil example." + +"In my country," I said, "we have a saying to the effect that it is better +that ninety-nine guilty escape than that one innocent be punished." + +"It is better," said he, "for the ninety-nine guilty, but distinctly worse +for everybody else. Sir," he concluded with chilling austerity, "I infer +from their proverb that your countrymen are the most offensive blockheads +in existence." + +By way of refutation I mentioned the English, indignantly withdrew from +the country and set sail for Gokeetle-guk, or, as we should translate the +name, Trustland. + + +THE JUMJUM OF GOKEETLE-GUK + +Arriving at the capital of the country after many incredible adventures, I +was promptly arrested by the police and taken before the Jumjum. He was an +exceedingly affable person, and held office by appointment, "for life or +fitness," as their laws express it. With one necessary exception all +offices are appointive and the tenure of all except that is the same. The +Panjandrum, or, as we should call him, King, is elected for a term of ten +years, at the expiration of which he is shot. It is held that any man who +has been so long in high authority will have committed enough sins and +blunders to deserve death, even if none can be specifically proved. + +Brought into the presence of the Jumjum, who graciously saluted me, I was +seated on a beautiful rug and told in broken English by an interpreter who +had escaped from Kansas that I was at liberty to ask any questions that I +chose. + +"Your Highness," I said, addressing the Jumjum through the interpreting +Populist, "I fear that I do not understand; I expected, not to ask +questions, but to have to answer them. I am ready to give such an account +of myself as will satisfy you that I am an honest man--neither a criminal +nor a spy." + +"The gentleman seems to regard himself with a considerable interest," said +the Jumjum, aside to an officer of his suite--a remark which the +interpreter, with characteristic intelligence, duly repeated to me. Then +addressing me the Jumjum said: + +"Doubtless your personal character is an alluring topic, but it is +relevant to nothing in any proceedings that can be taken here. When a +foreigner arrives in our capital he is brought before me to be instructed +in whatever he may think it expedient for him to know of the manners, +customs, laws, and so forth, of the country that he honors with his +presence. It matters nothing to us what he is, but much to him what we +are. You are at liberty to inquire." + +I was for a moment overcome with emotion by so noble an example of +official civility and thoughtfulness, then, after a little reflection, I +said: "May it please your Highness, I should greatly like to be informed +of the origin of the name of your esteemed country." + +"Our country," said the Jumjum, acknowledging the compliment by a movement +of his ears, "is called Trustland because all its industries, trades and +professions are conducted by great aggregations of capital known as +'trusts.' They do the entire business of the country." + +"Good God!" I exclaimed; "what a terrible state of affairs that is! I know +about trusts. Why do your people not rise and throw off the yoke?" + +"You are pleased to be unintelligible," said the great man, with a smile. +"Would you mind explaining what you mean by 'the yoke'?" + +"I mean," said I, surprised by his ignorance of metaphor, but reflecting +that possibly the figures of rhetoric were not used in that country--"I +mean the oppression, the slavery under which your people groan, their +bond-age to the tyrannical trusts, entailing poverty, unrequited toil and +loss of self-respect." + +"Why, as to that," he replied, "our people are prosperous and happy. There +is very little poverty and what there is is obviously the result of vice +or improvidence. Our labor is light and all the necessaries of life, many +of the comforts and some of the luxuries are abundant and cheap. I hardly +know what you mean by the tyranny of the trusts; they do not seem to care +to be tyrannous, for each having the entire market for what it produces, +its prosperity is assured and there is none of the strife and competition +which, as I can imagine, might breed hardness and cruelty. Moreover, we +should not let them be tyrannous. Why should we?" + +"But, your Highness, suppose, for example, the trust that manufactures +safety pins should decide to double the price of its product. What is to +prevent great injury to the consumer?" + +"The courts. Having but one man--the responsible manager--to deal with, +protective legislation and its enforcement would be a very simple matter. +If there were a thousand manufacturers of safety pins, scattered all over +the country in as many jurisdictions, there would be no controlling them +at all. They would cheat, not only one another but the consumers, with +virtual immunity. But there is no disposition among our trusts to do any +such thing. Each has the whole market, as I said, and each has learned by +experience what the manager of a large business soon must learn, and what +the manager of a small one probably would not learn and could not afford +to apply if he knew it--namely, that low prices bring disproportionately +large sales and therefore profits. Prices in this country are never put up +except when some kind of scarcity increases the cost of production. +Besides, nearly all the consumers are a part of the trusts, the stock of +which is about the best kind of property for investment." + +"What!" I cried,--"do not the managers so manipulate the stock by +'watering' it and otherwise as to fool and cheat the small investors?" + +"We should not permit them. That would be dishonest." + +"So it is in my country," I replied, rather tartly, for I believed his +apparent _naïveté_ assumed for my confusion, "but we are unable to prevent +it." + +He looked at me somewhat compassionately, I thought. "Perhaps," he said, +"not enough of you really wish to prevent it. Perhaps your people +are--well, different from mine--not worse, you understand--just +different." + +I felt the blood go into my cheeks and hot words were upon my tongue's +end, but I restrained them; the conditions for a quarrel were not +favorable to my side of it. When I had mastered my chagrin and resentment +I said: + +"In my country when trusts are formed a great number of persons suffer, +whether the general consumer does or not--many small dealers, middle men, +drummers and general employees. The small dealer is driven out of the +business by underselling. The middle man is frequently ignored, the trust +dealing directly, or nearly so, with the consumer. The drummer is +discharged because, competition having disappeared, custom must come +without solicitation. Consolidation lets out swarms of employees of the +individual concerns consolidated, for it is nearly as easy to conduct one +large concern as a dozen smaller ones. These people get great sympathy +from the public and the newspapers and their case is obviously pitiable. +Was it not so in this country during the transition stage, and did not +these poor gentlemen have to"--the right words would not come; I hardly +knew how to finish. "Were they not compelled to go to work?" I finally +asked, rather humbly. + +The great official was silent for several minutes. Then he spoke. + +"I am not sure that I understand you about our transition state. So far as +our history goes matters with us have always been as they are to-day. To +suppose them to have been otherwise would be to impugn the common sense of +our ancestors. Nor do I quite know what you mean by 'small dealers,' +'middle men,' 'drummers,' and so forth." + +He paused and fell into meditation, when suddenly his face was suffused +with the light of a happy thought. It so elated him that he sprang to his +feet and with his staff of office broke the heads of his Chief Admonisher +of the Inimical and his Second Assistant Audible Sycophant. Then he said: + +"I think I comprehend. Some eighty-five years ago, soon after my induction +into office, there came to the court of the Panjandrum a man of this city +who had been cast upon the island of Chicago (which I believe belongs to +the American archipelago) and had passed many years there in business with +the natives. Having learned all their customs and business methods he +returned to his own country and laid before the Panjandrum a comprehensive +scheme of commercial reform. He and his scheme were referred to me, the +Panjandrum being graciously pleased to be unable to make head or tail of +it. I may best explain it in its application to a single industry--the +manufacture and sale of gootles." + +"What is a gootle?" I asked. + +"A metal weight for attachment to the tail of a donkey to keep him from +braying," was the answer. "It is known in this country that a donkey +cannot utter a note unless he can lift his tail. Then, as now, gootles +were made by a single concern having a great capital invested and an +immense plant, and employing an army of workmen. It dealt, as it does +to-day, directly with consumers. Afflicted with a sonant donkey a man +would write to the trust and receive his gootle by return mail, or go +personally to the factory and carry his purchase home on his +shoulder--according to where he lived. The reformer said this was +primitive, crude and injurious to the interests of the public and +especially the poor. He proposed that the members of the gootle trust +divide their capital and each member go into the business of making +gootles for himself--I do not mean for his personal use--in different +parts of the country. But none of them was to sell to consumers, but to +other men, who would sell in quantity to still other men, who would sell +single gootles for domestic use. Each manufacturer would of course require +a full complement of officers, clerks and so forth, as would the other +men--everybody but the consumer--and each would have to support them and +make a profit himself. Competition would be so sharp that solicitors would +have to be employed to make sales; and they too must have a living out of +the business. Honored stranger, am I right in my inference that the +proposed system has something in common with the one which obtains in your +own happy, enlightened and prosperous country, and which you would +approve?" + +I did not care to reply. + +"Of course," the Jumjum continued, "all this would greatly have enhanced +the cost of gootles, thereby lessening the sales, thereby reducing the +output, thereby throwing a number of workmen out of employment. You see +this, do you not, O guest of my country?" + +"Pray tell me," I said, "what became of the reformer who proposed all this +change?" + +"All this change? Why, sir, the one-thousandth part is not told: he +proposed that his system should be general: not only in the gootle trust, +but every trust in the country was to be broken up in the same way! When I +had him before me, and had stated my objections to the plan, I asked him +what were its advantages. + +"'Sir,' he replied, 'I speak for millions of gentlemen in uncongenial +employments, mostly manual and fatiguing. This would give them the kind of +activity that they would like--such as their class enjoys in other +countries where my system is in full flower, and where it is deemed so +sacred that any proposal for its abolition or simplification by trusts is +regarded with horror, especially by the working men.' + +"Having reported to the Panjandrum (whose vermiform appendix may good +angels have in charge) and received his orders, I called the reformer +before me and addressed him thus: + +"'Illustrious economist, I have the honor to inform you that in the royal +judgment your proposal is the most absurd, impudent and audacious ever +made; that the system which you propose to set up is revolutionary and +mischievous beyond the dreams of treason; that only in a nation of rogues +and idiots could it have a moment's toleration.' + +"He was about to reply, but cutting his throat to intimate that the +hearing was at an end, I withdrew from the Hall of Audience, as under +similar circumstances I am about to do now." + +I withdrew first by way of a window, and after a terrible journey of six +years in the Dolorous Mountains and on the Desert of Despair came to the +western coast. Here I built a ship and after a long voyage landed on one +of the islands constituting the Kingdom of Tortirra. + + +THE KINGDOM OF TORTIRRA + +Of this unknown country and its inhabitants I have written a large volume +which nothing but the obstinacy of publishers has kept from the world, and +which I trust will yet see the light. Naturally, I do not wish to publish +at this time anything that will sate public curiosity, and this brief +sketch will consist of such parts only of the work as I think can best be +presented in advance without abating interest in what is to follow when +Heaven shall have put it into the hearts of publishers to square their +conduct with their interests. I must, however, frankly confess that my +choice has been partly determined by other considerations. I offer here +those parts of my narrative which I conceive to be the least +credible--those which deal with the most monstrous and astounding follies +of a strange people. Their ceremony of marriage by decapitation; their +custom of facing to the rear when riding on horseback; their practice of +walking on their hands in all ceremonial processions; their selection of +the blind for military command; their pig-worship--these and many other +comparatively natural particulars of their religious, political, +intellectual and social life I reserve for treatment in the great work for +which I shall soon ask public favor and acceptance. + +In Tortirran politics, as in Tamtonian, the population is always divided +into two, and sometimes three or four "parties," each having a "policy" +and each conscientiously believing the policy of the other, or others, +erroneous and destructive. In so far as these various and varying policies +can be seen to have any relation whatever to practical affairs they can be +seen also to be the result of purely selfish considerations. The +self-deluded people flatter themselves that their elections are contests +of principles, whereas they are only struggles of interests. They are very +fond of the word _slagthrit_, "principle"; and when they believe +themselves acting from some high moral motive they are capable of almost +any monstrous injustice or stupid folly. This insane devotion to principle +is craftily fostered by their political leaders who invent captivating +phrases intended to confirm them in it; and these deluding aphorisms are +diligently repeated until all the people have them in memory, with no +knowledge of the fallacies which they conceal. One of these phrases is +"Principles, not men." In the last analysis this is seen to mean that it +is better to be governed by scoundrels professing one set of principles +than by good men holding another. That a scoundrel will govern badly, +regardless of the principles which he is supposed somehow to "represent," +is a truth which, however obvious to our own enlightened intelligence, has +never penetrated the dark understandings of the Tortirrans. It is chiefly +through the dominance of the heresy fostered by this popular phrase that +the political leaders are able to put base men into office to serve their +own nefarious ends. + +I have called the political contests of Tortirra struggles of interests. +In nothing is this more clear (to the looker-on at the game) than in the +endless disputes concerning restrictions on commerce. It must be +understood that lying many leagues to the southeast of Tortirra are other +groups of islands, also wholly unknown to people of our race. They are +known by the general name of _Gropilla-Stron_ (a term signifying "the Land +of the Day-dawn"), though it is impossible to ascertain why, and are +inhabited by a powerful and hardy race, many of whom I have met in the +capital of Tanga. The Stronagu, as they are called, are bold navigators +and traders, their proas making long and hazardous voyages in all the +adjacent seas to exchange commodities with other tribes. For many years +they were welcomed in Tortirra with great hospitality and their goods +eagerly purchased. They took back with them all manner of Tortirran +products and nobody thought of questioning the mutual advantages of the +exchange. But early in the present century a powerful Tortirran demagogue +named Pragam began to persuade the people that commerce was piracy--that +true prosperity consisted in consumption of domestic products and +abstention from foreign. This extraordinary heresy soon gathered such head +that Pragam was appointed Regent and invested with almost dictatorial +powers. He at once distributed nearly the whole army among the seaport +cities, and whenever a Stronagu trading proa attempted to land, the +soldiery, assisted by the populace, rushed down to the beach, and with a +terrible din of gongs and an insupportable discharge of stink-pots--the +only offensive weapon known to Tortirran warfare--drove the laden vessels +to sea, or if they persisted in anchoring destroyed them and smothered +their crews in mud. The Tortirrans themselves not being a sea-going +people, all communication between them and the rest of their little world +soon ceased. But with it ceased the prosperity of Tortirra. Deprived of a +market for their surplus products and compelled to forego the comforts and +luxuries which they had obtained from abroad, the people began to murmur +at the effect of their own folly. A reaction set in, a powerful opposition +to Pragam and his policy was organized, and he was driven from power. + +But the noxious tree that Pragam had planted in the fair garden of his +country's prosperity had struck root too deeply to be altogether +eradicated. It threw up shoots everywhere, and no sooner was one cut down +than from roots underrunning the whole domain of political thought others +sprang up with a vigorous and baleful growth. While the dictum that trade +is piracy no longer commands universal acceptance, a majority of the +populace still hold a modified form of it, and that "importation is theft" +is to-day a cardinal political "principle" of a vast body of Tortirra's +people. The chief expounders and protagonists of this doctrine are all +directly or indirectly engaged in making or growing such articles as were +formerly got by exchange with the Stronagu traders. The articles are +generally inferior in quality, but consumers, not having the benefit of +foreign competition, are compelled to pay extortionate prices for them, +thus maintaining the unscrupulous producers in needless industries and a +pernicious existence. But these active and intelligent rogues are too +powerful to be driven out. They persuade their followers, among whom are +many ignorant consumers, that this vestigial remnant of the old Pragam +policy is all that keeps the nation from being desolated by small-pox and +an epidemic of broken legs. It is impossible within these limits to give a +full history of the strange delusion whose origin I have related. It has +undergone many modifications and changes, as it is the nature of error to +do, but the present situation is about this. The trading proas of the +Stronagu are permitted to enter certain ports, but when one arrives she +must anchor at a little distance from shore. Here she is boarded by an +officer of the government, who ascertains the thickness of her keel, the +number of souls on board and the amount and character of the merchandise +she brings. From these data--the last being the main factor in the +problem--the officer computes her unworthiness and adjudges a suitable +penalty. The next day a scow manned by a certain number of soldiers pushes +out and anchors within easy throw of her, and there is a frightful beating +of gongs. When this has reached its lawful limit as to time it is hushed +and the soldiers throw a stated number of stink-pots on board the +offending craft. These, exploding as they strike, stifle the captain and +crew with an intolerable odor. In the case of a large proa having a cargo +of such commodities as the Tortirrans particularly need, this bombardment +is continued for hours. At its conclusion the vessel is permitted to land +and discharge her cargo without further molestation. Under these hard +conditions importers find it impossible to do much business, the +exorbitant wages demanded by seamen consuming most of the profit. No +restrictions are now placed on the export trade, and vessels arriving +empty are subjected to no penalties; but the Stronagu having other +markets, in which they can sell as well as buy, cannot afford to go empty +handed to Tortirra. + +It will be obvious to the reader that in all this no question of +"principle" is involved. A well-informed Tortirran's mental attitude with +regard to the matter may be calculated with unfailing accuracy from a +knowledge of his interests. If he produces anything which his countrymen +want, and which in the absence of all restriction they could get more +cheaply from the Stronagu than they can from him, he is in politics a +_Gakphew_, or "Stinkpotter"; if not he is what that party derisively calls +a _Shokerbom_, which signifies "Righteous Man"--for there is nothing which +the Gakphews hold in so holy detestation as righteousness. + +Nominally, Tortirra is an hereditary monarchy; virtually it is a +democracy, for under a peculiar law of succession there is seldom an +occupant of the throne, and all public affairs are conducted by a Supreme +Legislature sitting at Felduchia, the capital of Tanga, to which body each +island of the archipelago, twenty-nine in number, elects representatives +in proportion to its population, the total membership being nineteen +hundred and seventeen. Each island has a Subordinate Council for the +management of local affairs and a Head Chief charged with execution of the +laws. There is also a Great Court at Felduchia, whose function it is to +interpret the general laws of the Kingdom, passed by the Supreme Council, +and a Minor Great Court at the capital of each island, with corresponding +duties and powers. These powers are very loosely and vaguely defined, and +are the subject of endless controversy everywhere, and nowhere more than +in the courts themselves--such is the multiplicity of laws and so many are +the contradictory decisions upon them, every decision constituting what is +called a _lantrag_, or, as we might say, "precedent." The peculiarity of a +_lantrag_, or previous decision, is that it is, or is not, binding, at the +will of the honorable judge making a later one on a similar point. If he +wishes to decide in the same way he quotes the previous decision with all +the gravity that he would give to an exposition of the law itself; if not, +he either ignores it altogether, shows that it is not applicable to the +case under consideration (which, as the circumstances are never exactly +the same, he can always do), or substitutes a contradictory _lantrag_ and +fortifies himself with that. There is a precedent for any decision that a +judge may wish to make, but sometimes he is too indolent to search it out +and cite it. Frequently, when the letter and intent of the law under which +an action is brought are plainly hostile to the decision which it pleases +him to render, the judge finds it easier to look up an older law, with +which it is compatible, and which the later one, he says, does not repeal, +and to base his decision on that; and there is a law for everything, just +as there is a precedent. Failing to find, or not caring to look for, +either precedent or statute to sustain him, he can readily show that any +other decision than the one he has in will would be _tokoli impelly_; that +is to say, contrary to public morals, and this, too, is considered a +legitimate consideration, though on another occasion he may say, with +public assent and approval, that it is his duty, not to make the law +conform to justice, but to expound and enforce it as he finds it. In +short, such is the confusion of the law and the public conscience that the +courts of Tortirra do whatever they please, subject only to overruling by +higher courts in the exercise of _their_ pleasure; for great as is the +number of minor and major tribunals, a case originating in the lowest is +never really settled until it has gone through all the intermediate ones +and been passed upon by the highest, to which it might just as well have +been submitted at first. The evils of this astonishing system could not be +even baldly catalogued in a lifetime. They are infinite in number and +prodigious in magnitude. To the trained intelligence of the American +observer it is incomprehensible how any, even the most barbarous, nation +can endure them. + +An important function of the Great Court and the Minor Great Court is +passing upon the validity of all laws enacted by the Supreme Council and +the Subordinate Councils, respectively. The nation as a whole, as well as +each separate island, has a fundamental law called the _Trogodal_, or, as +we should say, the Constitution; and no law whatever that may be passed by +the Council is final and determinate until the appropriate court has +declared that it conforms to the Trogodal. Nevertheless every law is put +in force the moment it is perfected and before it is submitted to the +court. Indeed, not one in a thousand ever is submitted at all, that +depending upon the possibility of some individual objecting to its action +upon his personal interests, which few, indeed, can afford to do. It not +infrequently occurs that some law which has for years been rigorously +enforced, even by fines and imprisonment, and to which the whole +commercial and social life of the nation has adjusted itself with all its +vast property interests, is brought before the tribunal having final +jurisdiction in the matter and coolly declared no law at all. The +pernicious effect may be more easily imagined than related, but those who +by loyal obedience to the statute all those years have been injured in +property, those who are ruined by its erasure and those who may have +suffered the severest penalties for its violation are alike without +redress. It seems not to have occurred to the Tortirrans to require the +court to inspect the law and determine its validity before it is put in +force. It is, indeed, the traditional practice of these strange tribunals, +when a case is forced upon them, to decide, not as many points of law as +they can, but as few as they may; and this dishonest inaction is not only +tolerated but commended as the highest wisdom. The consequence is that +only those who make a profession of the law and live by it and find their +account in having it as little understood by others as is possible can +know which acts and parts of acts are in force and which are not. The +higher courts, too, have arrogated to themselves the power of declaring +unconstitutional even parts of the Constitution, frequently annulling most +important provisions of the very instrument creating them! + +A popular folly in Tortirra is the selection of representatives in the +Councils from among that class of men who live by the law, whose sole +income is derived from its uncertainties and perplexities. Obviously, it +is to the interest of these men to make laws which shall be uncertain and +perplexing--to confuse and darken legislation as much as they can. Yet in +nearly all the Councils these men are the most influential and active +element, and it is not uncommon to find them in a numerical majority. It +is evident that the only check upon their ill-doing lies in the certainty +of their disagreement as to the particular kind of confusion which they +may think it expedient to create. Some will wish to accomplish their +common object by one kind of verbal ambiguity, some by another; some by +laws clearly enough (to them) unconstitutional, others by contradictory +statutes, or statutes secretly repealing wholesome ones already existing. +A clear, simple and just code would deprive them of their means of +livelihood and compel them to seek some honest employment. + +So great are the uncertainties of the law in Tortirra that an eminent +judge once confessed to me that it was his conscientious belief that if +all cases were decided by the impartial arbitrament of the _do-tusis_ (a +process similar to our "throw of the dice") substantial justice would be +done far more frequently than under the present system; and there is +reason to believe that in many instances cases at law are so decided--but +only at the close of tedious and costly trials which have impoverished the +litigants and correspondingly enriched the lawyers. + +Of the interminable train of shames and brutalities entailed by this +pernicious system, I shall mention here only a single one--the sentencing +and punishment of an accused person in the midst of the proceedings +against him, and while his guilt is not finally and definitively +established. It frequently occurs that a man convicted of crime in one of +the lower courts is at once hurried off to prison while he has still the +right of appeal to a higher tribunal, and while that appeal is pending. +After months and sometimes years of punishment his case is reached in the +appellate court, his appeal found valid and a new trial granted, resulting +in his acquittal. He has been imprisoned for a crime of which he is +eventually declared not to have been properly convicted. But he has no +redress; he is simply set free to bear through all his after life the +stain of dishonor and nourish an ineffectual resentment. Imagine the storm +of popular indignation that would be evoked in America by an instance of +so foul injustice! + + * * * * * + +In the great public square of Itsami, the capital of Tortirra, stands a +golden statue of Estari-Kumpro, a famous judge of the Civil Court.[2] This +great man was celebrated throughout the kingdom for the wisdom and justice +of his decisions and the virtues of his private life. So profound were the +veneration in which he was held and the awe that his presence inspired, +that none of the advocates in his court ever ventured to address him +except in formal pleas: all motions, objections, and so forth, were +addressed to the clerk and by him disposed of without dissent: the silence +of the judge, who never was heard to utter a word, was understood as +sanctioning the acts of his subordinate. For thirty years, promptly at +sunrise, the great hall of justice was thrown open, disclosing the judge +seated on a loftly dais beneath a black canopy, partly in shadow, and +quite inaccessible. At sunset all proceedings for the day terminated, +everyone left the hall and the portal closed. The decisions of this august +and learned jurist were always read aloud by the clerk, and a copy +supplied to the counsel on each side. They were brief, clear and +remarkable, not only for their unimpeachable justice, but for their +conformity to the fundamental principles of law. Not one of them was ever +set aside, and during the last fifteen years of the great judge's service +no litigant ever took an appeal, although none ever ventured before that +infallible tribunal unless conscientiously persuaded that his cause was +just. + + [2] Klikat um Delu Ovwi. + +One day it happened during the progress of an important trial that a sharp +shock of earthquake occurred, throwing the whole assembly into confusion. +When order had been restored a cry of horror and dismay burst from the +multitude--the judge's head lay flattened upon the floor, a dozen feet +below the bench, and from the neck of the rapidly collapsing body, which +had pitched forward upon his desk, poured a thick stream of sawdust! For +thirty years that great and good man had been represented by a stuffed +manikin. For thirty years he had not entered his own court, nor heard a +word of evidence or argument. At the moment of the accident to his +simulacrum he was in his library at his home, writing his decision of the +case on trial, and was killed by a falling chandelier. It was afterward +learned that his clerk, twenty-five years dead, had all the time been +personated by a twin brother, who was an idiot from birth and knew no law. + + +HITHER + +Listening to the history of the golden statue in the great square, as +related by a Tortirran storyteller, I fell asleep. On waking I found +myself lying in a cot-bed amidst unfamiliar surroundings. A bandage was +fastened obliquely about my head, covering my left eye, in which was a +dull throbbing pain. Seeing an attendant near by I beckoned him to my +bedside and asked: "Where am I?" + +"Hospital," he replied, tersely but not unkindly. He added: "You have a +bad eye." "Yes," I said, "I always had; but I could name more than one +Tortirran who has a bad heart." + +"What is a Tortirran?" he asked. + + + + +FOR THE AKHOOND + + + + +FOR THE AHKOOND + + +In the year 4591 I accepted from his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond of +Citrusia a commission to explore the unknown region lying to the eastward +of the Ultimate Hills, the range which that learned archæologist, Simeon +Tucker, affirms to be identical with the "Rocky Mountains" of the +ancients. For this proof of his Majesty's favor I was indebted, doubtless, +to a certain distinction that I had been fortunate enough to acquire by +explorations in the heart of Darkest Europe. His Majesty kindly offered to +raise and equip a large expeditionary force to accompany me, and I was +given the widest discretion in the matter of outfit; I could draw upon the +royal treasury for any sum that I might require, and upon the royal +university for all the scientific apparatus and assistance necessary to my +purpose. Declining these encumbrances, I took my electric rifle and a +portable waterproof case containing a few simple instruments and writing +materials and set out. Among the instruments was, of course, an aerial +isochronophone which I set by the one in the Ahkoond's private dining-room +at the palace. His Majesty invariably dined alone at 18 o'clock, and sat +at table six hours: it was my intention to send him all my reports at the +hour of 23, just as dessert would be served, and he would be in a proper +frame of mind to appreciate my discoveries and my services to the crown. + +At 9 o'clock on the 13th of Meijh I left Sanf Rachisco and after a tedious +journey of nearly fifty minutes arrived at Bolosson, the eastern terminus +of the magnetic tube, on the summit of the Ultimate Hills. According to +Tucker this was anciently a station on the Central Peaceful Railway, and +was called "German," in honor of an illustrious dancing master. Prof. +Nupper, however, says it was the ancient Nevraska, the capital of Kikago, +and geographers generally have accepted that view. + +Finding nothing at Bolosson to interest me except a fine view of the +volcano Carlema, then in active eruption, I shouldered my electric rifle +and with my case of instruments strapped upon my back plunged at once into +the wilderness, down the eastern slope. As I descended the character of +the vegetation altered. The pines of the higher altitudes gave place to +oaks, these to ash, beech and maple. To these succeeded the tamarack and +such trees as affect a moist and marshy habitat; and finally, when for +four months I had been steadily descending, I found myself in a primeval +flora consisting mainly of giant ferns, some of them as much as twenty +_surindas_ in diameter. They grew upon the margins of vast stagnant lakes +which I was compelled to navigate by means of rude rafts made from their +trunks lashed together with vines. + +In the fauna of the region that I had traversed I had noted changes +corresponding to those in the flora. On the upper slope there was nothing +but the mountain sheep, but I passed successively through the habitats of +the bear, the deer and the horse. This last mentioned creature, which our +naturalists have believed long extinct, and which Dorbley declares our +ancestors domesticated, I found in vast numbers on high table lands +covered with grass upon which it feeds. The animal answers the current +description of the horse very nearly, but all that I saw were destitute of +the horns, and none had the characteristic forked tail. This member, on +the contrary, is a tassel of straight wiry hair, reaching nearly to the +ground--a surprising sight. Lower still I came upon the mastodon, the +lion, the tiger, hippopotamus and alligator, all differing very little +from those infesting Central Europe, as described in my "Travels in the +Forgotten Continent." + +In the lake region where I now found myself, the waters abounded with +ichthyosauri, and along the margins the iguanodon dragged his obscene bulk +in indolent immunity. Great flocks of pterodactyls, their bodies as large +as those of oxen and their necks enormously long, clamored and fought in +the air, the broad membranes of their wings making a singular musical +humming, unlike anything that I had ever heard. Between them and the +ichthyosauri there was incessant battle, and I was constantly reminded of +the ancient poet's splendid and original comparison of man to + + dragons of the prime + That tare each other in their slime. + +When brought down with my electric rifle and properly roasted, the +pterodactyl proved very good eating, particularly the pads of the toes. + +In urging my raft along the shore line of one of the stagnant lagoons one +day I was surprised to find a broad rock jutting out from the shore, its +upper surface some ten _coprets_ above the water. Disembarking, I ascended +it, and on examination recognized it as the remnant of an immense mountain +which at one time must have been 5,000 _coprets_ in height and doubtless +the dominating peak of a long range. From the striations all over it I +discovered that it had been worn away to its present trivial size by +glacial action. Opening my case of instruments, I took out my +petrochronologue and applied it to the worn and scratched surface of the +rock. The indicator at once pointed to K 59 xpc ½! At this astonishing +result I was nearly overcome by excitement: the last erosions of the +ice-masses upon this vestige of a stupendous mountain range which they had +worn away, had been made as recently as the year 1945! Hastily applying my +nymograph, I found that the name of this particular mountain at the time +when it began to be enveloped in the mass of ice moving down upon it from +the north, was "Pike's Peak." Other observations with other instruments +showed that at that time the country circumjacent to it had been inhabited +by a partly civilized race of people known as Galoots, the name of their +capital city being Denver. + +That evening at the hour of 23 I set up my aerial isochronophone[3] and +reported to his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond as follows: + + [3] This satire was published in the San Francisco _Examiner_ many + years before the invention of wireless telegraphy; so I retain + my own name for the instrument.--A.B. + +"_Sire:_ I have the honor to report that I have made a startling +discovery. The primeval region into which I have penetrated, as I informed +you yesterday--the ichthyosaurus belt--was peopled by tribes considerably +advanced in some of the arts almost within historic times: in 1920. They +were exterminated by a glacial period not exceeding one hundred and +twenty-five years in duration. Your Majesty can conceive the magnitude and +violence of the natural forces which overwhelmed their country with moving +sheets of ice not less that 5,000 _coprets_ in thickness, grinding down +every eminence, destroying (of course) all animal and vegetable life and +leaving the region a fathomless bog of detritus. Out of this vast sea of +mud Nature has had to evolve another creation, beginning _de novo_, with +her lowest forms. It has long been known, your Majesty, that the region +east of the Ultimate Hills, betwen them and the Wintry Sea, was once the +seat of an ancient civilization, some scraps and shreds of whose history, +arts and literature have been wafted to us across the gulf of time; but it +was reserved for your gracious Majesty, through me, your humble and +unworthy instrument, to ascertain the astonishing fact that these were a +pre-glacial people--that between them and us stands, as it were, a wall of +impenetrable ice. That all local records of this unfortunate race have +perished your Majesty needs not to be told: we can supplement our present +imperfect knowledge of them by instrumental observation only." + +To this message I received the following extraordinary reply: + +"All right--another bottle of--ice goes: push on--this cheese is +too--spare no effort to--hand me those nuts--learn all you can--damn you!" + +His most gracious Majesty was being served with dessert, and served badly. + +I now resolved to go directly north toward the source of the ice-flow and +investigate its cause, but examining my barometer found that I was more +than 8,000 _coprets_ below the sea-level; the moving ice had not only +ground down the face of the country, planing off the eminences and filling +the depressions, but its enormous weight had caused the earth's crust to +sag, and with the lessening of the weight from evaporation it had not +recovered. + +I had no desire to continue in this depression, as I should in going +north, for I should find nothing but lakes, marshes and ferneries, +infested with the same primitive and monstrous forms of life. So I +continued my course eastward and soon had the satisfaction to find myself +meeting the sluggish current of such streams as I encountered in my way. +By vigorous use of the new double-distance telepode, which enables the +wearer to step eighty _surindas_ instead of forty, as with the instrument +in popular use, I was soon again at a considerable elevation above the +sea-level and nearly 200 _prastams_ from "Pike's Peak." A little farther +along the water courses began to flow to the eastward. The flora and fauna +had again altered in character, and now began to grow sparse; the soil was +thin and arid, and in a week I found myself in a region absolutely +destitute of organic life and without a vestige of soil. All was barren +rock. The surface for hundreds of _prastams_, as I continued my advance, +was nearly level, with a slight dip to the eastward. The rock was +singularly striated, the scratches arranged concentrically and in +helicoidal curves. This circumstance puzzled me and I resolved to take +some more instrumental observations, bitterly regretting my improvidence +in not availing myself of the Ahkoond's permission to bring with me such +apparatus and assistants as would have given me knowledge vastly more +copious and accurate than I could acquire with my simple pocket +appliances. + +I need not here go into the details of my observations with such +instruments as I had, nor into the calculations of which these +observations were the basic data. Suffice it that after two months' labor +I reported the results to his Majesty in Sanf Rachisco in the words +following: + +"_Sire:_ It is my high privilege to apprise you of my arrival on the +western slope of a mighty depression running through the center of the +continent north and south, formerly known as the Mississippi Valley. It +was once the seat of a thriving and prosperous population known as the +Pukes, but is now a vast expanse of bare rock, from which every particle +of soil and everything movable, including people, animals and vegetation, +have been lifted by terrific cyclones and scattered afar, falling in other +lands and at sea in the form of what was called meteoric dust! I find that +these terrible phenomena began to occur about the year 1860, and lasted, +with increasing frequency and power, through a century, culminating about +the middle of that glacial period which saw the extinction of the Galoots +and their neighboring tribes. There was, of course, a close connection +between the two malefic phenomena, both, doubtless, being due to the same +cause, which I have been unable to trace. A cyclone, I venture to remind +your gracious Majesty, is a mighty whirlwind, accompanied by the most +startling meteorological phenomena, such as electrical disturbances, +floods of falling water, darkness and so forth. It moves with great speed, +sucking up everything and reducing it to powder. In many days' journey I +have not found a square _copret_ of the country that did not suffer a +visitation. If any human being escaped he must speedily have perished from +starvation. For some twenty centuries the Pukes have been an extinct race, +and their country a desolation in which no living thing can dwell, unless, +like me, it is supplied with Dr. Blobob's Condensed Life-pills." + +The Ahkoond replied that he was pleased to feel the most poignant grief +for the fate of the unfortunate Pukes, and if I should by chance find the +ancient king of the country I was to do my best to revive him with the +patent resuscitator and present him the assurances of his Majesty's +distinguished consideration; but as the politoscope showed that the nation +had been a republic I gave myself no trouble in the matter. + +My next report was made six months later and was in substance this: + +"_Sire:_ I address your Majesty from a point 430 _coprets_ vertically above +the site of the famous ancient city of Buffalo, once the capital of a +powerful nation called the Smugwumps. I can approach no nearer because of +the hardness of the snow, which is very firmly packed. For hundreds of +_prastams_ in every direction, and for thousands to the north and west, the +land is covered with this substance, which, as your Majesty is doubtless +aware, is extremely cold to the touch, but by application of sufficient +heat can be turned into water. It falls from the heavens, and is believed +by the learned among your Majesty's subjects to have a sidereal origin. + +"The Smugwumps were a hardy and intelligent race, but they entertained the +vain delusion that they could subdue Nature. Their year was divided into +two seasons--summer and winter, the former warm, the latter cold. About +the beginning of the nineteenth century according to my archæthermograph, +the summers began to grow shorter and hotter, the winters longer and +colder. At every point in their country, and every day in the year, when +they had not the hottest weather ever known in that place, they had the +coldest. When they were not dying by hundreds from sunstroke they were +dying by thousands from frost. But these heroic and devoted people +struggled on, believing that they were becoming acclimated faster than the +climate was becoming insupportable. Those called away on business were +even afflicted with nostalgia, and with a fatal infatuation returned to +grill or freeze, according to the season of their arrival. Finally there +was no summer at all, though the last flash of heat slew several millions +and set most of their cities afire, and winter reigned eternal. + +"The Smugwumps were now keenly sensible of the perils environing them, +and, abandoning their homes, endeavored to reach their kindred, the +Californians, on the western side of the continent in what is now your +Majesty's ever-blessed realm. But it was too late: the snow growing deeper +and deeper day by day, besieged them in their towns and dwellings, and +they were unable to escape. The last one of them perished about the year +1943, and may God have mercy on his fool soul!" + +To this dispatch the Ahkoond replied that it was the royal opinion that +the Smugwumps were served very well right. + +Some weeks later I reported thus: + +"_Sire:_ The country which your Majesty's munificence is enabling your +devoted servant to explore extends southward and southwestward from +Smugwumpia many hundreds of _prastams_, its eastern and southern borders +being the Wintry Sea and the Fiery Gulf, respectively. The population in +ancient times was composed of Whites and Blacks in about equal numbers and +of about equal moral worth--at least that is the record on the dial of my +ethnograph when set for the twentieth century and given a southern +exposure. The Whites were called Crackers and the Blacks known as Coons. + +"I find here none of the barrenness and desolation characterizing the land +of the ancient Pukes, and the climate is not so rigorous and thrilling as +that of the country of the late Smugwumps. It is, indeed, rather agreeable +in point of temperature, and the soil being fertile exceedingly, the whole +land is covered with a dense and rank vegetation. I have yet to find a +square _smig_ of it that is open ground, or one that is not the lair of +some savage beast, the haunt of some venomous reptile, or the roost of +some offensive bird. Crackers and Coons alike are long extinct, and these +are their successors. + +"Nothing could be more forbidding and unwholesome than these interminable +jungles, with their horrible wealth of organic life in its most +objectionable forms. By repeated observations with the necrohistoriograph +I find that the inhabitants of this country, who had always been more or +less dead, were wholly extirpated contemporaneously with the disastrous +events which swept away the Galoots, the Pukes and the Smugwumps. The +agency of their effacement was an endemic disorder known as yellow fever. +The ravages of this frightful disease were of frequent recurrence, every +point of the country being a center of infection; but in some seasons it +was worse than in others. Once in every half century at first, and +afterward every year[4] it broke out somewhere and swept over wide areas +with such fatal effect that there were not enough of the living to plunder +the dead; but at the first frost it would subside. During the ensuing two +or three months of immunity the stupid survivors returned to the infected +homes from which they had fled and were ready for the next outbreak. +Emigration would have saved them all, but although the Californians (over +whose happy and prosperous descendants your Majesty has the goodness to +reign) invited them again and again to their beautiful land, where +sickness and death were hardly known, they would not go, and by the year +1946 the last one of them, may it please your gracious Majesty, was dead +and damned." + + [4] At one time it was foolishly believed that the disease had been + eradicated by slapping the mosquitoes which were thought to + produce it; but a few years later it broke out with greater + violence than ever before, although the mosquitoes had left the + country. + +Having spoken this into the transmitter of the aerial isochronophone at +the usual hour of 23 o'clock I applied the receiver to my ear, confidently +expecting the customary commendation. Imagine my astonishment and dismay +when my master's well-remembered voice was heard in utterance of the most +awful imprecations on me and my work, followed by appalling threats +against my life! + +The Ahkoond had changed his dinner-time to five hours later and I had been +speaking into the ears of an empty stomach! + + + + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + + + + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + +(FROM A NEWSPAPER OF THE FAR FUTURE) + + +At the quiet little village of Smithcester, which certain archæologists +have professed to "identify" as the ancient London, will be celebrated +to-day the thirtieth centennial anniversary of the birth of this +remarkable man, the foremost figure of antiquity. The recurrence of what +no more than six centuries ago was a popular _fête_ day and even now is +seldom permitted to pass without recognition by those to whom liberty +means something more precious than opportunity for gain, excites a +peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or no tradition has correctly +fixed the time and place of Smith's birth. That he was born; that being +born he wrought nobly at the work that his hand found to do; that by the +mere force of his powerful intellect he established and perfected our +present benign form of government, under which civilization has attained +its highest and ripest development--these are facts beside which mere +questions of chronology and geography are trivial and without +significance. + +That this extraordinary man originated the Smithocratic form of government +is, perhaps, open to intelligent doubt; possibly it had a _de facto_ +existence in crude and uncertain shapes as early as the time of Edward +XVII,--an existence local, unorganized and intermittent. But that he +cleared it of its overlying errors and superstitions, gave it definite +form and shaped it into a coherent and practical scheme there is +unquestionable evidence in fragments of ancestral literature that have +come down to us, disfigured though they are with amazingly contradictory +statements regarding his birth, parentage and manner of life before he +strode out upon the political stage as the Liberator of Mankind. It is +said that Shakspar, a poet whose works had in their day a considerable +vogue, though it is difficult to say why, alludes to him as "the noblest +Roman of them all," our forefathers of the period being known as Romans or +Englishmen, indifferently. In the only authentic fragment of Shakspar +extant, however, this passage is not included. + +Smith's military power is amply attested in an ancient manuscript of +undoubted authenticity which has recently been translated from the +Siamese. It is an account of the water battle of Loo, by an eye-witness +whose name, unfortunately, has not reached us. It is stated that in this +famous engagement Smith overthrew the great Neapolitan general, whom he +captured and conveyed in chains to the island of Chickenhurst. + +In his "Political History of Europe" the late Professor Mimble has this +luminous sentence: "With the single exception of Ecuador there was no +European government that the Liberator did not transform into a pure +Smithocracy, and although some of them relapsed transiently into the +primitive forms, and others grew into extravagant and fanciful systems +begotten of the intellectual activity to which he had stirred the whole +world, yet so firmly did he establish the principle that in the +thirty-second century the civilized world had become, and has remained, +virtually Smithocratic." + +It may be noted here as a singular coincidence that the year which is +believed to have seen the birth of him who founded rational government +witnessed the death of him who perfected literature: Martin Farquhar +Tupper (after Smith the most noted name in history) starved to death in +the streets of London. Like that of Smith his origin is wrapped in +obscurity. No fewer than seven British cities claim the honor of his +nativity. Meager indeed is our knowledge of this only British bard whose +works have endured through thirty centuries. All that is certain is that +he was once arrested for deer-stealing; that, although blind, he fought a +duel with a person named Salmasius, for which he was thrown into Bedford +gaol, whence he escaped to the Tower of London; that the manuscript of his +"Proverbial Philosophy" was for many years hidden in a hollow oak tree, +where it was found by his grandmother, Ella Wheeler Tupper, who fled with +it to America and published many brilliant passages from it over her own +name. Had Smith and Tupper been contemporaries the iron deeds of the +former would doubtless have been recorded in the golden pages of the +latter, to the incalculable enrichment of Roman history. + +Strangely unimpressible indeed must be the mind which, looking backward +through the mists of the centuries upon the primitive race from which we +are believed to have sprung, can repress a feeling of sympathetic +interest. The names of John Smith and Martin Farquhar Tupper, blazoned +upon the page of that dim past and surrounded by the lesser names of +Shakspar, the first Neapolitan, Oliver Cornwell, that Mynheer Baloon who +was known as the Flying Dutchman, Julia Cæsar, commonly known as the +Serpent of the Nile--all these are richly suggestive. They call to mind +the odd custom of wearing "clothes"; the incredible error of Copernicus +and other wide and wild guesses of ancient "science"; the lost arts of +telegramy, steam locomotion, printing, and the tempering of iron. They set +us thinking of the zealous idolatry that led men on pious pilgrimages to +the accessible regions about the north pole and into the then savage +interior of Africa in search of the fountain of youth. They conjure up +visions of bloodthirsty "Emperors," tyrannical "Kings," vampire +"Presidents," and robber "Parliaments"--grotesque and horrible shapes in +terrible contrast with the serene and benign figures and features of our +modern Smithocracy. + +Let us to-day rejoice and give thanks to Bungoot that the old order of +things has passed forever away. Let us praise Him that our lot has been +cast in more wholesome days than those in which Smith wrought and Tupper +sang. And yet let us not forget whatever there was of good, if any, in the +pre-Smithian period, when men cherished quaint superstitions and rode on +the backs of beasts--when they settled questions of right and expediency +by counting noses--when cows were enslaved and women free--when science +had not dawned to chase away the shadows of imagination and the fear of +immortality--and when the cabalistic letters "A.D.," which from habit we +still affix to numerals designating the date, had perhaps a known +signification. It is indeed well to live in this golden age, under the +benign sway of that supreme and culminating product of Smithocracy, our +gracious sovereign, his Majesty John CLXXVIII. + + + + +BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY + + + + +ON A MOUNTAIN + +They say that the lumberman has looked upon the Cheat Mountain country and +seen that it is good, and I hear that some wealthy gentlemen have been +there and made a game preserve. There must be lumber and, I suppose, +sport, but some things one could wish were ordered otherwise. Looking back +upon it through the haze of near half a century, I see that region as a +veritable realm of enchantment; the Alleghanies as the Delectable +Mountains. I note again their dim, blue billows, ridge after ridge +interminable, beyond purple valleys full of sleep, "in which it seemed +always afternoon." Miles and miles away, where the lift of earth meets the +stoop of sky, I discern an imperfection in the tint, a faint graying of +the blue above the main range--the smoke of an enemy's camp. + +It was in the autumn of that "most immemorial year," the 1861st of our +Lord, and of our Heroic Age the first, that a small brigade of raw +troops--troops were all raw in those days--had been pushed in across the +Ohio border and after various vicissitudes of fortune and mismanagement +found itself, greatly to its own surprise, at Cheat Mountain Pass, holding +a road that ran from Nowhere to the southeast. Some of us had served +through the summer in the "three-months' regiments," which responded to +the President's first call for troops. We were regarded by the others with +profound respect as "old soldiers." (Our ages, if equalized, would, I +fancy, have given about twenty years to each man.) We gave ourselves, this +aristocracy of service, no end of military airs; some of us even going to +the extreme of keeping our jackets buttoned and our hair combed. We had +been in action, too; had shot off a Confederate leg at Philippi, "the +first battle of the war," and had lost as many as a dozen men at Laurel +Hill and Carrick's Ford, whither the enemy had fled in trying, Heaven +knows why, to get away from us. We now "brought to the task" of subduing +the Rebellion a patriotism which never for a moment doubted that a rebel +was a fiend accursed of God and the angels--one for whose extirpation by +force and arms each youth of us considered himself specially "raised up." + +It was a strange country. Nine in ten of us had never seen a mountain, nor +a hill as high as a church spire, until we had crossed the Ohio River. In +power upon the emotions nothing, I think, is comparable to a first sight +of mountains. To a member of a plains-tribe, born and reared on the flats +of Ohio or Indiana, a mountain region was a perpetual miracle. Space +seemed to have taken on a new dimension; areas to have not only length and +breadth, but thickness. + +Modern literature is full of evidence that our great grandfathers looked +upon mountains with aversion and horror. The poets of even the seventeenth +century never tire of damning them in good, set terms. If they had had the +unhappiness to read the opening lines of "The Pleasures of Hope," they +would assuredly have thought Master Campbell had gone funny and should be +shut up lest he do himself an injury. + +The flatlanders who invaded the Cheat Mountain country had been suckled in +another creed, and to them western Virginia--there was, as yet, no West +Virginia--was an enchanted land. How we reveled in its savage beauties! +With what pure delight we inhaled its fragrances of spruce and pine! How +we stared with something like awe at its clumps of laurel!--real laurel, +as we understood the matter, whose foliage had been once accounted +excellent for the heads of illustrious Romans and such--mayhap to reduce +the swelling. We carved its roots into fingerrings and pipes. We gathered +spruce-gum and sent it to our sweethearts in letters. We ascended every +hill within our picket-lines and called it a "peak." + +And, by the way, during those halcyon days (the halcyon was there, too, +chattering above every creek, as he is all over the world) we fought +another battle. It has not got into history, but it had a real objective +existence although by a felicitous afterthought called by us who were +defeated a "reconnaissance in force." Its short and simple annals are that +we marched a long way and lay down before a fortified camp of the enemy at +the farther edge of a valley. Our commander had the forethought to see +that we lay well out of range of the small-arms of the period. A +disadvantage of this arrangement was that the enemy was out of reach of us +as well, for our rifles were no better than his. Unfortunately--one might +almost say unfairly--he had a few pieces of artillery very well protected, +and with those he mauled us to the eminent satisfaction of his mind and +heart. So we parted from him in anger and returned to our own place, +leaving our dead--not many. + +Among them was a chap belonging to my company, named Abbott; it is not odd +that I recollect it, for there was something unusual in the manner of +Abbott's taking off. He was lying flat upon his stomach and was killed by +being struck in the side by a nearly spent cannon-shot that came rolling +in among us. The shot remained in him until removed. It was a solid +round-shot, evidently cast in some private foundry, whose proprietor, +setting the laws of thrift above those of ballistics, had put his +"imprint" upon it: it bore, in slightly sunken letters, the name "Abbott." +That is what I was told--I was not present. + +It was after this, when the nights had acquired a trick of biting and the +morning sun appeared to shiver with cold, that we moved up to the summit +of Cheat Mountain to guard the pass through which nobody wanted to go. +Here we slew the forest and builded us giant habitations (astride the road +from Nowhere to the southeast) commodious to lodge an army and fitly +loopholed for discomfiture of the adversary. The long logs that it was our +pride to cut and carry! The accuracy with which we laid them one upon +another, hewn to the line and bullet-proof! The Cyclopean doors that we +hung, with sliding bolts fit to be "the mast of some great admiral"! And +when we had "made the pile complete" some marplot of the Regular Army came +that way and chatted a few moments with our commander, and we made an +earthwork away off on one side of the road (leaving the other side to take +care of itself) and camped outside it in tents! But the Regular Army +fellow had not the heart to suggest the demolition of our Towers of Babel, +and the foundations remain to this day to attest the genius of the +American volunteer soldiery. + +We were the original game-preservers of the Cheat Mountain region, for +although we hunted in season and out of season over as wide an area as we +dared to cover we took less game, probably, than would have been taken by +a certain single hunter of disloyal views whom we scared away. There were +bear galore and deer in quantity, and many a winter day, in snow up to his +knees, did the writer of this pass in tracking bruin to his den, where, I +am bound to say, I commonly left him. I agreed with my lamented friend, +the late Robert Weeks, poet: + + Pursuit may be, it seems to me, + Perfect without possession. + +There can be no doubt that the wealthy sportsmen who have made a preserve +of the Cheat Mountain region will find plenty of game if it has not died +since 1861. We left it there. + +Yet hunting and idling were not the whole of life's programme up there on +that wild ridge with its shaggy pelt of spruce and firs, and in the +riparian lowlands that it parted. We had a bit of war now and again. There +was an occasional "affair of outposts"; sometimes a hazardous scout into +the enemy's country, ordered, I fear, more to keep up the appearance of +doing something than with a hope of accomplishing a military result. But +one day it was bruited about that a movement in force was to be made on +the enemy's position miles away, at the summit of the main ridge of the +Alleghanies--the camp whose faint blue smoke we had watched for weary +days. The movement was made, as was the fashion in those 'prentice days of +warfare, in two columns, which were to pounce upon the foeman from +opposite sides at the same moment. Led over unknown roads by untrusty +guides, encountering obstacles not foreseen--miles apart and without +communication, the two columns invariably failed to execute the movement +with requisite secrecy and precision. The enemy, in enjoyment of that +inestimable military advantage known in civilian speech as being +"surrounded," always beat the attacking columns one at a time or, turning +red-handed from the wreck of the first, frightened the other away. + +All one bright wintry day we marched down from our eyrie; all one bright +wintry night we climbed the great wooded ridge opposite. How romantic it +all was; the sunset valleys full of visible sleep; the glades suffused and +interpenetrated with moonlight; the long valley of the Greenbrier +stretching away to we knew not what silent cities; the river itself unseen +under its "astral body" of mist! Then there was the "spice of danger." + +Once we heard shots in front; then there was a long wait. As we trudged on +we passed something--some things--lying by the wayside. During another +wait we examined them, curiously lifting the blankets from their +yellow-clay faces. How repulsive they looked with their blood-smears, +their blank, staring eyes, their teeth uncovered by contraction of the +lips! The frost had begun already to whiten their deranged clothing. We +were as patriotic as ever, but we did not wish to be that way. For an hour +afterward the injunction of silence in the ranks was needless. + + * * * * * + +Repassing the spot the next day, a beaten, dispirited and exhausted force, +feeble from fatigue and savage from defeat, some of us had life enough +left, such as it was, to observe that these bodies had altered their +position. They appeared also to have thrown off some of their clothing, +which lay near by, in disorder. Their expression, too, had an added +blankness--they had no faces. + +As soon as the head of our straggling column had reached the spot a +desultory firing had begun. One might have thought the living paid honors +to the dead. No; the firing was a military execution; the condemned, a +herd of galloping swine. They had eaten our fallen, but--touching +magnanimity!--we did not eat theirs. + +The shooting of several kinds was very good in the Cheat Mountain country, +even in 1861. + + +WHAT I SAW OF SHILOH + +I + +This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a +soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier. + +The morning of Sunday, the sixth day of April, 1862, was bright and warm. +Reveille had been sounded rather late, for the troops, wearied with long +marching, were to have a day of rest. The men were idling about the embers +of their bivouac fires; some preparing breakfast, others looking +carelessly to the condition of their arms and accoutrements, against the +inevitable inspection; still others were chatting with indolent dogmatism +on that never-failing theme, the end and object of the campaign. Sentinels +paced up and down the confused front with a lounging freedom of mien and +stride that would not have been tolerated at another time. A few of them +limped unsoldierly in deference to blistered feet. At a little distance in +rear of the stacked arms were a few tents out of which frowsy-headed +officers occasionally peered, languidly calling to their servants to fetch +a basin of water, dust a coat or polish a scabbard. Trim young mounted +orderlies, bearing dispatches obviously unimportant, urged their lazy nags +by devious ways amongst the men, enduring with unconcern their +good-humored raillery, the penalty of superior station. Little negroes of +not very clearly defined status and function lolled on their stomachs, +kicking their long, bare heels in the sunshine, or slumbered peacefully, +unaware of the practical waggery prepared by white hands for their +undoing. + +Presently the flag hanging limp and lifeless at headquarters was seen to +lift itself spiritedly from the staff. At the same instant was heard a +dull, distant sound like the heavy breathing of some great animal below +the horizon. The flag had lifted its head to listen. There was a momentary +lull in the hum of the human swarm; then, as the flag drooped the hush +passed away. But there were some hundreds more men on their feet than +before; some thousands of hearts beating with a quicker pulse. + +Again the flag made a warning sign, and again the breeze bore to our ears +the long, deep sighing of iron lungs. The division, as if it had received +the sharp word of command, sprang to its feet, and stood in groups at +"attention." Even the little blacks got up. I have since seen similar +effects produced by earthquakes; I am not sure but the ground was +trembling then. The mess-cooks, wise in their generation, lifted the +steaming camp-kettles off the fire and stood by to cast out. The mounted +orderlies had somehow disappeared. Officers came ducking from beneath +their tents and gathered in groups. Headquarters had become a swarming +hive. + +The sound of the great guns now came in regular throbbings--the strong, +full pulse of the fever of battle. The flag flapped excitedly, shaking out +its blazonry of stars and stripes with a sort of fierce delight. Toward +the knot of officers in its shadow dashed from somewhere--he seemed to +have burst out of the ground in a cloud of dust--a mounted aide-de-camp, +and on the instant rose the sharp, clear notes of a bugle, caught up and +repeated, and passed on by other bugles, until the level reaches of brown +fields, the line of woods trending away to far hills, and the unseen +valleys beyond were "telling of the sound," the farther, fainter strains +half drowned in ringing cheers as the men ran to range themselves behind +the stacks of arms. For this call was not the wearisome "general" before +which the tents go down; it was the exhilarating "assembly," which goes to +the heart as wine and stirs the blood like the kisses of a beautiful +woman. Who that has heard it calling to him above the grumble of great +guns can forget the wild intoxication of its music? + +II + +The Confederate forces in Kentucky and Tennessee had suffered a series of +reverses, culminating in the loss of Nashville. The blow was severe: +immense quantities of war material had fallen to the victor, together with +all the important strategic points. General Johnston withdrew Beauregard's +army to Corinth, in northern Mississippi, where he hoped so to recruit and +equip it as to enable it to assume the offensive and retake the lost +territory. + +The town of Corinth was a wretched place--the capital of a swamp. It is a +two days' march west of the Tennessee River, which here and for a hundred +and fifty miles farther, to where it falls into the Ohio at Paducah, runs +nearly north. It is navigable to this point--that is to say, to Pittsburg +Landing, where Corinth got to it by a road worn through a thickly wooded +country seamed with ravines and bayous, rising nobody knows where and +running into the river under sylvan arches heavily draped with Spanish +moss. In some places they were obstructed by fallen trees. The Corinth +road was at certain seasons a branch of the Tennessee River. Its mouth was +Pittsburg Landing. Here in 1862 were some fields and a house or two; now +there are a national cemetery and other improvements. + +It was at Pittsburg Landing that Grant established his army, with a river +in his rear and two toy steamboats as a means of communication with the +east side, whither General Buell with thirty thousand men was moving from +Nashville to join him. The question has been asked, Why did General Grant +occupy the enemy's side of the river in the face of a superior force +before the arrival of Buell? Buell had a long way to come; perhaps Grant +was weary of waiting. Certainly Johnston was, for in the gray of the +morning of April 6th, when Buell's leading division was _en bivouac_ near +the little town of Savannah, eight or ten miles below, the Confederate +forces, having moved out of Corinth two days before, fell upon Grant's +advance brigades and destroyed them. Grant was at Savannah, but hastened +to the Landing in time to find his camps in the hands of the enemy and the +remnants of his beaten army cooped up with an impassable river at their +backs for moral support. I have related how the news of this affair came +to us at Savannah. It came on the wind--a messenger that does not bear +copious details. + +III + +On the side of the Tennessee River, over against Pittsburg Landing, are +some low bare hills, partly inclosed by a forest. In the dusk of the +evening of April 6 this open space, as seen from the other side of the +stream--whence, indeed, it was anxiously watched by thousands of eyes, to +many of which it grew dark long before the sun went down--would have +appeared to have been ruled in long, dark lines, with new lines being +constantly drawn across. These lines were the regiments of Buell's leading +division, which having moved up from Savannah through a country presenting +nothing but interminable swamps and pathless "bottom lands," with rank +overgrowths of jungle, was arriving at the scene of action breathless, +footsore and faint with hunger. It had been a terrible race; some +regiments had lost a third of their number from fatigue, the men dropping +from the ranks as if shot, and left to recover or die at their leisure. +Nor was the scene to which they had been invited likely to inspire the +moral confidence that medicines physical fatigue. True, the air was full +of thunder and the earth was trembling beneath their feet; and if there is +truth in the theory of the conversion of force, these men were storing up +energy from every shock that burst its waves upon their bodies. Perhaps +this theory may better than another explain the tremendous endurance of +men in battle. But the eyes reported only matter for despair. + +Before us ran the turbulent river, vexed with plunging shells and obscured +in spots by blue sheets of low-lying smoke. The two little steamers were +doing their duty well. They came over to us empty and went back crowded, +sitting very low in the water, apparently on the point of capsizing. The +farther edge of the water could not be seen; the boats came out of the +obscurity, took on their passengers and vanished in the darkness. But on +the heights above, the battle was burning brightly enough; a thousand +lights kindled and expired in every second of time. There were broad +flushings in the sky, against which the branches of the trees showed +black. Sudden flames burst out here and there, singly and in dozens. +Fleeting streaks of fire crossed over to us by way of welcome. These +expired in blinding flashes and fierce little rolls of smoke, attended +with the peculiar metallic ring of bursting shells, and followed by the +musical humming of the fragments as they struck into the ground on every +side, making us wince, but doing little harm. The air was full of noises. +To the right and the left the musketry rattled smartly and petulantly; +directly in front it sighed and growled. To the experienced ear this meant +that the death-line was an arc of which the river was the chord. There +were deep, shaking explosions and smart shocks; the whisper of stray +bullets and the hurtle of conical shells; the rush of round shot. There +were faint, desultory cheers, such as announce a momentary or partial +triumph. Occasionally, against the glare behind the trees, could be seen +moving black figures, singularly distinct but apparently no longer than a +thumb. They seemed to me ludicrously like the figures of demons in old +allegorical prints of hell. To destroy these and all their belongings the +enemy needed but another hour of daylight; the steamers in that case would +have been doing him fine service by bringing more fish to his net. Those +of us who had the good fortune to arrive late could then have eaten our +teeth in impotent rage. Nay, to make his victory sure it did not need that +the sun should pause in the heavens; one of the many random shots falling +into the river would have done the business had chance directed it into +the engine-room of a steamer. You can perhaps fancy the anxiety with which +we watched them leaping down. + +But we had two other allies besides the night. Just where the enemy had +pushed his right flank to the river was the mouth of a wide bayou, and +here two gunboats had taken station. They too were of the toy sort, plated +perhaps with railway metals, perhaps with boiler-iron. They staggered +under a heavy gun or two each. The bayou made an opening in the high bank +of the river. The bank was a parapet, behind which the gunboats crouched, +firing up the bayou as through an embrasure. The enemy was at this +disadvantage: he could not get at the gunboats, and he could advance only +by exposing his flank to their ponderous missiles, one of which would have +broken a half-mile of his bones and made nothing of it. Very annoying this +must have been--these twenty gunners beating back an army because a +sluggish creek had been pleased to fall into a river at one point rather +than another. Such is the part that accident may play in the game of war. + +As a spectacle this was rather fine. We could just discern the black +bodies of these boats, looking very much like turtles. But when they let +off their big guns there was a conflagration. The river shuddered in its +banks, and hurried on, bloody, wounded, terrified! Objects a mile away +sprang toward our eyes as a snake strikes at the face of its victim. The +report stung us to the brain, but we blessed it audibly. Then we could +hear the great shell tearing away through the air until the sound died out +in the distance; then, a surprisingly long time afterward, a dull, distant +explosion and a sudden silence of small-arms told their own tale. + +IV + +There was, I remember, no elephant on the boat that passed us across that +evening, nor, I think, any hippopotamus. These would have been out of +place. We had, however, a woman. Whether the baby was somewhere on board I +did not learn. She was a fine creature, this woman; somebody's wife. Her +mission, as she understood it, was to inspire the failing heart with +courage; and when she selected mine I felt less flattered by her +preference than astonished by her penetration. How did she learn? She +stood on the upper deck with the red blaze of battle bathing her beautiful +face, the twinkle of a thousand rifles mirrored in her eyes; and +displaying a small ivory-handled pistol, she told me in a sentence +punctuated by the thunder of great guns that if it came to the worst she +would do her duty like a man! I am proud to remember that I took off my +hat to this little fool. + +V + +Along the sheltered strip of beach between the river bank and the water +was a confused mass of humanity--several thousands of men. They were +mostly unarmed; many were wounded; some dead. All the camp-following +tribes were there; all the cowards; a few officers. Not one of them knew +where his regiment was, nor if he had a regiment. Many had not. These men +were defeated, beaten, cowed. They were deaf to duty and dead to shame. A +more demented crew never drifted to the rear of broken battalions. They +would have stood in their tracks and been shot down to a man by a +provost-marshal's guard, but they could not have been urged up that bank. +An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet +at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, +with never a flinching. + +Whenever a steamboat would land, this abominable mob had to be kept off +her with bayonets; when she pulled away, they sprang on her and were +pushed by scores into the water, where they were suffered to drown one +another in their own way. The men disembarking insulted them, shoved them, +struck them. In return they expressed their unholy delight in the +certainty of our destruction by the enemy. + +By the time my regiment had reached the plateau night had put an end to +the struggle. A sputter of rifles would break out now and then, followed +perhaps by a spiritless hurrah. Occasionally a shell from a far-away +battery would come pitching down somewhere near, with a whir crescendo, or +flit above our heads with a whisper like that made by the wings of a night +bird, to smother itself in the river. But there was no more fighting. The +gunboats, however, blazed away at set intervals all night long, just to +make the enemy uncomfortable and break him of his rest. + +For us there was no rest. Foot by foot we moved through the dusky fields, +we knew not whither. There were men all about us, but no camp-fires; to +have made a blaze would have been madness. The men were of strange +regiments; they mentioned the names of unknown generals. They gathered in +groups by the wayside, asking eagerly our numbers. They recounted the +depressing incidents of the day. A thoughtful officer shut their mouths +with a sharp word as he passed; a wise one coming after encouraged them to +repeat their doleful tale all along the line. + +Hidden in hollows and behind clumps of rank brambles were large tents, +dimly lighted with candles, but looking comfortable. The kind of comfort +they supplied was indicated by pairs of men entering and reappearing, +bearing litters; by low moans from within and by long rows of dead with +covered faces outside. These tents were constantly receiving the wounded, +yet were never full; they were continually ejecting the dead, yet were +never empty. It was as if the helpless had been carried in and murdered, +that they might not hamper those whose business it was to fall to-morrow. + +The night was now black-dark; as is usual after a battle, it had begun to +rain. Still we moved; we were being put into position by somebody. Inch by +inch we crept along, treading on one another's heels by way of keeping +together. Commands were passed along the line in whispers; more commonly +none were given. When the men had pressed so closely together that they +could advance no farther they stood stock-still, sheltering the locks of +their rifles with their ponchos. In this position many fell asleep. When +those in front suddenly stepped away those in the rear, roused by the +tramping, hastened after with such zeal that the line was soon choked +again. Evidently the head of the division was being piloted at a snail's +pace by some one who did not feel sure of his ground. Very often we struck +our feet against the dead; more frequently against those who still had +spirit enough to resent it with a moan. These were lifted carefully to one +side and abandoned. Some had sense enough to ask in their weak way for +water. Absurd! Their clothes were soaken, their hair dank; their white +faces, dimly discernible, were clammy and cold. Besides, none of us had +any water. There was plenty coming, though, for before midnight a +thunderstorm broke upon us with great violence. The rain, which had for +hours been a dull drizzle, fell with a copiousness that stifled us; we +moved in running water up to our ankles. Happily, we were in a forest of +great trees heavily "decorated" with Spanish moss, or with an enemy +standing to his guns the disclosures of the lightning might have been +inconvenient. As it was, the incessant blaze enabled us to consult our +watches and encouraged us by displaying our numbers; our black, sinuous +line, creeping like a giant serpent beneath the trees, was apparently +interminable. I am almost ashamed to say how sweet I found the +companionship of those coarse men. + +So the long night wore away, and as the glimmer of morning crept in +through the forest we found ourselves in a more open country. But where? +Not a sign of battle was here. The trees were neither splintered nor +scarred, the underbrush was unmown, the ground had no footprints but our +own. It was as if we had broken into glades sacred to eternal silence. I +should not have been surprised to see sleek leopards come fawning about +our feet, and milk-white deer confront us with human eyes. + +A few inaudible commands from an invisible leader had placed us in order +of battle. But where was the enemy? Where, too, were the riddled regiments +that we had come to save? Had our other divisions arrived during the night +and passed the river to assist us? or were we to oppose our paltry five +thousand breasts to an army flushed with victory? What protected our +right? Who lay upon our left? Was there really anything in our front? + +There came, borne to us on the raw morning air, the long, weird note of a +bugle. It was directly before us. It rose with a low, clear, deliberate +warble, and seemed to float in the gray sky like the note of a lark. The +bugle calls of the Federal and the Confederate armies were the same: it +was the "assembly"! As it died away I observed that the atmosphere had +suffered a change; despite the equilibrium established by the storm, it +was electric. Wings were growing on blistered feet. Bruised muscles and +jolted bones, shoulders pounded by the cruel knapsack, eyelids leaden from +lack of sleep--all were pervaded by the subtle fluid, all were unconscious +of their clay. The men thrust forward their heads, expanded their eyes and +clenched their teeth. They breathed hard, as if throttled by tugging at +the leash. If you had laid your hand in the beard or hair of one of these +men it would have crackled and shot sparks. + +VI + +I suppose the country lying between Corinth and Pittsburg Landing could +boast a few inhabitants other than alligators. What manner of people they +were it is impossible to say, inasmuch as the fighting dispersed, or +possibly exterminated them; perhaps in merely classing them as non-saurian +I shall describe them with sufficient particularity and at the same time +avert from myself the natural suspicion attaching to a writer who points +out to persons who do not know him the peculiarities of persons whom he +does not know. One thing, however, I hope I may without offense affirm of +these swamp-dwellers--they were pious. To what deity their veneration was +given--whether, like the Egyptians, they worshiped the crocodile, or, like +other Americans, adored themselves, I do not presume to guess. But +whoever, or whatever, may have been the divinity whose ends they shaped, +unto Him, or It, they had builded a temple. This humble edifice, centrally +situated in the heart of a solitude, and conveniently accessible to the +supersylvan crow, had been christened Shiloh Chapel, whence the name of +the battle. The fact of a Christian church--assuming it to have been a +Christian church--giving name to a wholesale cutting of Christian throats +by Christian hands need not be dwelt on here; the frequency of its +recurrence in the history of our species has somewhat abated the moral +interest that would otherwise attach to it. + +VII + +Owing to the darkness, the storm and the absence of a road, it had been +impossible to move the artillery from the open ground about the Landing. +The privation was much greater in a moral than in a material sense. The +infantry soldier feels a confidence in this cumbrous arm quite unwarranted +by its actual achievements in thinning out the opposition. There is +something that inspires confidence in the way a gun dashes up to the +front, shoving fifty or a hundred men to one side as if it said, "_Permit +me!_" Then it squares its shoulders, calmly dislocates a joint in its +back, sends away its twenty-four legs and settles down with a quiet +rattle which says as plainly as possible, "I've come to stay." There is a +superb scorn in its grimly defiant attitude, with its nose in the air; it +appears not so much to threaten the enemy as deride him. + +Our batteries were probably toiling after us somewhere; we could only hope +the enemy might delay his attack until they should arrive. "He may delay +his defense if he like," said a sententious young officer to whom I had +imparted this natural wish. He had read the signs aright; the words were +hardly spoken when a group of staff officers about the brigade commander +shot away in divergent lines as if scattered by a whirlwind, and galloping +each to the commander of a regiment gave the word. There was a momentary +confusion of tongues, a thin line of skirmishers detached itself from the +compact front and pushed forward, followed by its diminutive reserves of +half a company each--one of which platoons it was my fortune to command. +When the straggling line of skirmishers had swept four or five hundred +yards ahead, "See," said one of my comrades, "she moves!" She did indeed, +and in fine style, her front as straight as a string, her reserve +regiments in columns doubled on the center, following in true +subordination; no braying of brass to apprise the enemy, no fifing and +drumming to amuse him; no ostentation of gaudy flags; no nonsense. This +was a matter of business. + +In a few moments we had passed out of the singular oasis that had so +marvelously escaped the desolation of battle, and now the evidences of the +previous day's struggle were present in profusion. The ground was +tolerably level here, the forest less dense, mostly clear of undergrowth, +and occasionally opening out into small natural meadows. Here and there +were small pools--mere discs of rainwater with a tinge of blood. Riven and +torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of +splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those +below. Large branches had been lopped, and hung their green heads to the +ground, or swung critically in their netting of vines, as in a hammock. +Many had been cut clean off and their masses of foliage seriously impeded +the progress of the troops. The bark of these trees, from the root upward +to a height of ten or twenty feet, was so thickly pierced with bullets and +grape that one could not have laid a hand on it without covering several +punctures. None had escaped. How the human body survives a storm like this +must be explained by the fact that it is exposed to it but a few moments +at a time, whereas these grand old trees had had no one to take their +places, from the rising to the going down of the sun. Angular bits of +iron, concavo-convex, sticking in the sides of muddy depressions, showed +where shells had exploded in their furrows. Knapsacks, canteens, +haversacks distended with soaken and swollen biscuits, gaping to disgorge, +blankets beaten into the soil by the rain, rifles with bent barrels or +splintered stocks, waist-belts, hats and the omnipresent sardine-box--all +the wretched debris of the battle still littered the spongy earth as far +as one could see, in every direction. Dead horses were everywhere; a few +disabled caissons, or limbers, reclining on one elbow, as it were; +ammunition wagons standing disconsolate behind four or six sprawling +mules. Men? There were men enough; all dead, apparently, except one, who +lay near where I had halted my platoon to await the slower movement of the +line--a Federal sergeant, variously hurt, who had been a fine giant in his +time. He lay face upward, taking in his breath in convulsive, rattling +snorts, and blowing it out in sputters of froth which crawled creamily +down his cheeks, piling itself alongside his neck and ears. A bullet had +clipped a groove in his skull, above the temple; from this the brain +protruded in bosses, dropping off in flakes and strings. I had not +previously known one could get on, even in this unsatisfactory fashion, +with so little brain. One of my men, whom I knew for a womanish fellow, +asked if he should put his bayonet through him. Inexpressibly shocked by +the cold-blooded proposal, I told him I thought not; it was unusual, and +too many were looking. + +VIII + +It was plain that the enemy had retreated to Corinth. The arrival of our +fresh troops and their successful passage of the river had disheartened +him. Three or four of his gray cavalry videttes moving amongst the trees +on the crest of a hill in our front, and galloping out of sight at the +crack of our skirmishers' rifles, confirmed us in the belief; an army face +to face with its enemy does not employ cavalry to watch its front. True, +they might be a general and his staff. Crowning this rise we found a level +field, a quarter of a mile in width; beyond it a gentle acclivity, covered +with an undergrowth of young oaks, impervious to sight. We pushed on into +the open, but the division halted at the edge. Having orders to conform to +its movements, we halted too; but that did not suit; we received an +intimation to proceed. I had performed this sort of service before, and in +the exercise of my discretion deployed my platoon, pushing it forward at a +run, with trailed arms, to strengthen the skirmish line, which I overtook +some thirty or forty yards from the wood. Then--I can't describe it--the +forest seemed all at once to flame up and disappear with a crash like that +of a great wave upon the beach--a crash that expired in hot hissings, and +the sickening "spat" of lead against flesh. A dozen of my brave fellows +tumbled over like ten-pins. Some struggled to their feet, only to go down +again, and yet again. Those who stood fired into the smoking brush and +doggedly retired. We had expected to find, at most, a line of skirmishers +similar to our own; it was with a view to overcoming them by a sudden +_coup_ at the moment of collision that I had thrown forward my little +reserve. What we had found was a line of battle, coolly holding its fire +till it could count our teeth. There was no more to be done but get back +across the open ground, every superficial yard of which was throwing up +its little jet of mud provoked by an impinging bullet. We got back, most +of us, and I shall never forget the ludicrous incident of a young officer +who had taken part in the affair walking up to his colonel, who had been a +calm and apparently impartial spectator, and gravely reporting: "The enemy +is in force just beyond this field, sir." + +IX + +In subordination to the design of this narrative, as defined by its title, +the incidents related necessarily group themselves about my own +personality as a center; and, as this center, during the few terrible +hours of the engagement, maintained a variably constant relation to the +open field already mentioned, it is important that the reader should bear +in mind the topographical and tactical features of the local situation. +The hither side of the field was occupied by the front of my brigade--a +length of two regiments in line, with proper intervals for field +batteries. During the entire fight the enemy held the slight wooded +acclivity beyond. The debatable ground to the right and left of the open +was broken and thickly wooded for miles, in some places quite inaccessible +to artillery and at very few points offering opportunities for its +successful employment. As a consequence of this the two sides of the field +were soon studded thickly with confronting guns, which flamed away at one +another with amazing zeal and rather startling effect. Of course, an +infantry attack delivered from either side was not to be thought of when +the covered flanks offered inducements so unquestionably superior; and I +believe the riddled bodies of my poor skirmishers were the only ones left +on this "neutral ground" that day. But there was a very pretty line of +dead continually growing in our rear, and doubtless the enemy had at his +back a similar encouragement. + +The configuration of the ground offered us no protection. By lying flat on +our faces between the guns we were screened from view by a straggling row +of brambles, which marked the course of an obsolete fence; but the enemy's +grape was sharper than his eyes, and it was poor consolation to know that +his gunners could not see what they were doing, so long as they did it. +The shock of our own pieces nearly deafened us, but in the brief intervals +we could hear the battle roaring and stammering in the dark reaches of the +forest to the right and left, where our other divisions were dashing +themselves again and again into the smoking jungle. What would we not have +given to join them in their brave, hopeless task! But to lie inglorious +beneath showers of shrapnel darting divergent from the unassailable +sky--meekly to be blown out of life by level gusts of grape--to clench our +teeth and shrink helpless before big shot pushing noisily through the +consenting air--this was horrible! "Lie down, there!" a captain would +shout, and then get up himself to see that his order was obeyed. "Captain, +take cover, sir!" the lieutenant-colonel would shriek, pacing up and down +in the most exposed position that he could find. + +O those cursed guns!--not the enemy's, but our own. Had it not been for +them, we might have died like men. They must be supported, forsooth, the +feeble, boasting bullies! It was impossible to conceive that these pieces +were doing the enemy as excellent a mischief as his were doing us; they +seemed to raise their "cloud by day" solely to direct aright the streaming +procession of Confederate missiles. They no longer inspired confidence, +but begot apprehension; and it was with grim satisfaction that I saw the +carriage of one and another smashed into matchwood by a whooping shot and +bundled out of the line. + +X + +The dense forests wholly or partly in which were fought so many battles of +the Civil War, lay upon the earth in each autumn a thick deposit of dead +leaves and stems, the decay of which forms a soil of surprising depth and +richness. In dry weather the upper stratum is as inflammable as tinder. A +fire once kindled in it will spread with a slow, persistent advance as far +as local conditions permit, leaving a bed of light ashes beneath which the +less combustible accretions of previous years will smolder until +extinguished by rains. In many of the engagements of the war the fallen +leaves took fire and roasted the fallen men. At Shiloh, during the first +day's fighting, wide tracts of woodland were burned over in this way and +scores of wounded who might have recovered perished in slow torture. I +remember a deep ravine a little to the left and rear of the field I have +described, in which, by some mad freak of heroic incompetence, a part of +an Illinois regiment had been surrounded, and refusing to surrender was +destroyed, as it very well deserved. My regiment having at last been +relieved at the guns and moved over to the heights above this ravine for +no obvious purpose, I obtained leave to go down into the valley of death +and gratify a reprehensible curiosity. + +Forbidding enough it was in every way. The fire had swept every +superficial foot of it, and at every step I sank into ashes to the ankle. +It had contained a thick undergrowth of young saplings, every one of which +had been severed by a bullet, the foliage of the prostrate tops being +afterward burnt and the stumps charred. Death had put his sickle into this +thicket and fire had gleaned the field. Along a line which was not that of +extreme depression, but was at every point significantly equidistant from +the heights on either hand, lay the bodies, half buried in ashes; some in +the unlovely looseness of attitude denoting sudden death by the bullet, +but by far the greater number in postures of agony that told of the +tormenting flame. Their clothing was half burnt away--their hair and beard +entirely; the rain had come too late to save their nails. Some were +swollen to double girth; others shriveled to manikins. According to degree +of exposure, their faces were bloated and black or yellow and shrunken. +The contraction of muscles which had given them claws for hands had cursed +each countenance with a hideous grin. Faugh! I cannot catalogue the charms +of these gallant gentlemen who had got what they enlisted for. + +XI + +It was now three o'clock in the afternoon, and raining. For fifteen hours +we had been wet to the skin. Chilled, sleepy, hungry and +disappointed--profoundly disgusted with the inglorious part to which they +had been condemned--the men of my regiment did everything doggedly. The +spirit had gone quite out of them. Blue sheets of powder smoke, drifting +amongst the trees, settling against the hillsides and beaten into +nothingness by the falling rain, filled the air with their peculiar +pungent odor, but it no longer stimulated. For miles on either hand could +be heard the hoarse murmur of the battle, breaking out near by with +frightful distinctness, or sinking to a murmur in the distance; and the +one sound aroused no more attention than the other. + +We had been placed again in rear of those guns, but even they and their +iron antagonists seemed to have tired of their feud, pounding away at one +another with amiable infrequency. The right of the regiment extended a +little beyond the field. On the prolongation of the line in that direction +were some regiments of another division, with one in reserve. A third of a +mile back lay the remnant of somebody's brigade looking to its wounds. The +line of forest bounding this end of the field stretched as straight as a +wall from the right of my regiment to Heaven knows what regiment of the +enemy. There suddenly appeared, marching down along this wall, not more +than two hundred yards in our front, a dozen files of gray-clad men with +rifles on the right shoulder. At an interval of fifty yards they were +followed by perhaps half as many more; and in fair supporting distance of +these stalked with confident mien a single man! There seemed to me +something indescribably ludicrous in the advance of this handful of men +upon an army, albeit with their left flank protected by a forest. It does +not so impress me now. They were the exposed flanks of three lines of +infantry, each half a mile in length. In a moment our gunners had grappled +with the nearest pieces, swung them half round, and were pouring streams +of canister into the invaded wood. The infantry rose in masses, springing +into line. Our threatened regiments stood like a wall, their loaded rifles +at "ready," their bayonets hanging quietly in the scabbards. The right +wing of my own regiment was thrown slightly backward to threaten the flank +of the assault. The battered brigade away to the rear pulled itself +together. + +Then the storm burst. A great gray cloud seemed to spring out of the +forest into the faces of the waiting battalions. It was received with a +crash that made the very trees turn up their leaves. For one instant the +assailants paused above their dead, then struggled forward, their bayonets +glittering in the eyes that shone behind the smoke. One moment, and those +unmoved men in blue would be impaled. What were they about? Why did they +not fix bayonets? Were they stunned by their own volley? Their inaction +was maddening! Another tremendous crash!--the rear rank had fired! +Humanity, thank Heaven! is not made for this, and the shattered gray mass +drew back a score of paces, opening a feeble fire. Lead had scored its +old-time victory over steel; the heroic had broken its great heart against +the commonplace. There are those who say that it is sometimes otherwise. + +All this had taken but a minute of time, and now the second Confederate +line swept down and poured in its fire. The line of blue staggered and +gave way; in those two terrific volleys it seemed to have quite poured out +its spirit. To this deadly work our reserve regiment now came up with a +run. It was surprising to see it spitting fire with never a sound, for +such was the infernal din that the ear could take in no more. This fearful +scene was enacted within fifty paces of our toes, but we were rooted to +the ground as if we had grown there. But now our commanding officer rode +from behind us to the front, waved his hand with the courteous gesture +that says _apres vous_, and with a barely audible cheer we sprang into the +fight. Again the smoking front of gray receded, and again, as the enemy's +third line emerged from its leafy covert, it pushed forward across the +piles of dead and wounded to threaten with protruded steel. Never was seen +so striking a proof of the paramount importance of numbers. Within an area +of three hundred yards by fifty there struggled for front places no fewer +than six regiments; and the accession of each, after the first collision, +had it not been immediately counterpoised, would have turned the scale. + +As matters stood, we were now very evenly matched, and how long we might +have held out God only knows. But all at once something appeared to have +gone wrong with the enemy's left; our men had somewhere pierced his line. +A moment later his whole front gave way, and springing forward with fixed +bayonets we pushed him in utter confusion back to his original line. Here, +among the tents from which Grant's people had been expelled the day +before, our broken and disordered regiments inextricably intermingled, and +drunken with the wine of triumph, dashed confidently against a pair of +trim battalions, provoking a tempest of hissing lead that made us stagger +under its very weight. The sharp onset of another against our flank sent +us whirling back with fire at our heels and fresh foes in merciless +pursuit--who in their turn were broken upon the front of the invalided +brigade previously mentioned, which had moved up from the rear to assist +in this lively work. + +As we rallied to reform behind our beloved guns and noted the ridiculous +brevity of our line--as we sank from sheer fatigue, and tried to moderate +the terrific thumping of our hearts--as we caught our breath to ask who +had seen such-and-such a comrade, and laughed hysterically at the +reply--there swept past us and over us into the open field a long regiment +with fixed bayonets and rifles on the right shoulder. Another followed, +and another; two--three--four! Heavens! where do all these men come from, +and why did they not come before? How grandly and confidently they go +sweeping on like long blue waves of ocean chasing one another to the cruel +rocks! Involuntarily we draw in our weary feet beneath us as we sit, ready +to spring up and interpose our breasts when these gallant lines shall come +back to us across the terrible field, and sift brokenly through among the +trees with spouting fires at their backs. We still our breathing to catch +the full grandeur of the volleys that are to tear them to shreds. Minute +after minute passes and the sound does not come. Then for the first time +we note that the silence of the whole region is not comparative, but +absolute. Have we become stone deaf? See; here comes a stretcher-bearer, +and there a surgeon! Good heavens! a chaplain! + +The battle was indeed at an end. + +XII + +And this was, O so long ago! How they come back to me--dimly and brokenly, +but with what a magic spell--those years of youth when I was soldiering! +Again I hear the far warble of blown bugles. Again I see the tall, blue +smoke of camp-fires ascending from the dim valleys of Wonderland. There +steals upon my sense the ghost of an odor from pines that canopy the +ambuscade. I feel upon my cheek the morning mist that shrouds the hostile +camp unaware of its doom, and my blood stirs at the ringing rifle-shot of +the solitary sentinel. Unfamiliar landscapes, glittering with sunshine or +sullen with rain, come to me demanding recognition, pass, vanish and give +place to others. Here in the night stretches a wide and blasted field +studded with half-extinct fires burning redly with I know not what presage +of evil. Again I shudder as I note its desolation and its awful silence. +Where was it? To what monstrous inharmony of death was it the visible +prelude? + +O days when all the world was beautiful and strange; when unfamiliar +constellations burned in the Southern midnights, and the mocking-bird +poured out his heart in the moon-gilded magnolia; when there was something +new under a new sun; will your fine, far memories ever cease to lay +contrasting pictures athwart the harsher features of this later world, +accentuating the ugliness of the longer and tamer life? Is it not strange +that the phantoms of a blood-stained period have so airy a grace and look +with so tender eyes?--that I recall with difficulty the danger and death +and horrors of the time, and without effort all that was gracious and +picturesque? Ah, Youth, there is no such wizard as thou! Give me but one +touch of thine artist hand upon the dull canvas of the Present; gild for +but one moment the drear and somber scenes of to-day, and I will willingly +surrender an other life than the one that I should have thrown away at +Shiloh. + + +A LITTLE OF CHICKAMAUGA + +The history of that awful struggle is well known--I have not the intention +to record it here, but only to relate some part of what I saw of it; my +purpose not instruction, but entertainment. + +I was an officer of the staff of a Federal brigade. Chickamauga was not my +first battle by many, for although hardly more than a boy in years, I had +served at the front from the beginning of the trouble, and had seen enough +of war to give me a fair understanding of it. We knew well enough that +there was to be a fight: the fact that we did not want one would have told +us that, for Bragg always retired when we wanted to fight and fought when +we most desired peace. We had manoeuvred him out of Chattanooga, but had +not manoeuvred our entire army into it, and he fell back so sullenly that +those of us who followed, keeping him actually in sight, were a good deal +more concerned about effecting a junction with the rest of our army than +to push the pursuit. By the time that Rosecrans had got his three +scattered corps together we were a long way from Chattanooga, with our +line of communication with it so exposed that Bragg turned to seize it. +Chickamauga was a fight for possession of a road. + +Back along this road raced Crittenden's corps, with those of Thomas and +McCook, which had not before traversed it. The whole army was moving by +its left. + +There was sharp fighting all along and all day, for the forest was so +dense that the hostile lines came almost into contact before fighting was +possible. One instance was particularly horrible. After some hours of +close engagement my brigade, with foul pieces and exhausted cartridge +boxes, was relieved and withdrawn to the road to protect several batteries +of artillery--probably two dozen pieces--which commanded an open field in +the rear of our line. Before our weary and virtually disarmed men had +actually reached the guns the line in front gave way, fell back behind the +guns and went on, the Lord knows whither. A moment later the field was +gray with Confederates in pursuit. Then the guns opened fire with grape +and canister and for perhaps five minutes--it seemed an hour--nothing +could be heard but the infernal din of their discharge and nothing seen +through the smoke but a great ascension of dust from the smitten soil. +When all was over, and the dust cloud had lifted, the spectacle was too +dreadful to describe. The Confederates were still there--all of them, it +seemed--some almost under the muzzles of the guns. But not a man of all +these brave fellows was on his feet, and so thickly were all covered with +dust that they looked as if they had been reclothed in yellow. + +"We bury our dead," said a gunner, grimly, though doubtless all were +afterward dug out, for some were partly alive. + +To a "day of danger" succeeded a "night of waking." The enemy, everywhere +held back from the road, continued to stretch his line northward in the +hope to overlap us and put himself between us and Chattanooga. We neither +saw nor heard his movement, but any man with half a head would have known +that he was making it, and we met it by a parallel movement to our left. +By morning we had edged along a good way and thrown up rude intrenchments +at a little distance from the road, on the threatened side. The day was +not very far advanced when we were attacked furiously all along the line, +beginning at the left. When repulsed, the enemy came again and again--his +persistence was dispiriting. He seemed to be using against us the law of +probabilities: of so many efforts one would eventually succeed. + +One did, and it was my luck to see it win. I had been sent by my chief, +General Hazen, to order up some artillery ammunition and rode away to the +right and rear in search of it. Finding an ordnance train I obtained from +the officer in charge a few wagons loaded with what I wanted, but he +seemed in doubt as to our occupancy of the region across which I proposed +to guide them. Although assured that I had just traversed it, and that it +lay immediately behind Wood's division, he insisted on riding to the top +of the ridge behind which his train lay and overlooking the ground. We did +so, when to my astonishment I saw the entire country in front swarming +with Confederates; the very earth seemed to be moving toward us! They came +on in thousands, and so rapidly that we had barely time to turn tail and +gallop down the hill and away, leaving them in possession of the train, +many of the wagons being upset by frantic efforts to put them about. By +what miracle that officer had sensed the situation I did not learn, for we +parted company then and there and I never again saw him. + +By a misunderstanding Wood's division had been withdrawn from our line of +battle just as the enemy was making an assault. Through the gap of half a +mile the Confederates charged without opposition, cutting our army clean +in two. The right divisions were broken up and with General Rosecrans in +their midst fled how they could across the country, eventually bringing up +in Chattanooga, whence Rosecrans telegraphed to Washington the destruction +of the rest of his army. The rest of his army was standing its ground. + +A good deal of nonsense used to be talked about the heroism of General +Garfield, who, caught in the rout of the right, nevertheless went back and +joined the undefeated left under General Thomas. There was no great +heroism in it; that is what every man should have done, including the +commander of the army. We could hear Thomas's guns going--those of us who +had ears for them--and all that was needful was to make a sufficiently +wide detour and then move toward the sound. I did so myself, and have +never felt that it ought to make me President. Moreover, on my way I met +General Negley, and my duties as topographical engineer having given me +some knowledge of the lay of the land offered to pilot him back to glory +or the grave. I am sorry to say my good offices were rejected a little +uncivilly, which I charitably attributed to the general's obvious absence +of mind. His mind, I think, was in Nashville, behind a breastwork. + +Unable to find my brigade, I reported to General Thomas, who directed me +to remain with him. He had assumed command of all the forces still intact +and was pretty closely beset. The battle was fierce and continuous, the +enemy extending his lines farther and farther around our right, toward our +line of retreat. We could not meet the extension otherwise than by +"refusing" our right flank and letting him inclose us; which but for +gallant Gordon Granger he would inevitably have done. + +This was the way of it. Looking across the fields in our rear (rather +longingly) I had the happy distinction of a discoverer. What I saw was the +shimmer of sunlight on metal: lines of troops were coming in behind us! +The distance was too great, the atmosphere too hazy to distinguish the +color of their uniform, even with a glass. Reporting my momentous "find" I +was directed by the general to go and see who they were. Galloping toward +them until near enough to see that they were of our kidney I hastened back +with the glad tidings and was sent again, to guide them to the general's +position. + +It was General Granger with two strong brigades of the reserve, moving +soldier-like toward the sound of heavy firing. Meeting him and his staff I +directed him to Thomas, and unable to think of anything better to do +decided to go visiting. I knew I had a brother in that gang--an officer of +an Ohio battery. I soon found him near the head of a column, and as we +moved forward we had a comfortable chat amongst such of the enemy's +bullets as had inconsiderately been fired too high. The incident was a +trifle marred by one of them unhorsing another officer of the battery, +whom we propped against a tree and left. A few moments later Granger's +force was put in on the right and the fighting was terrific! + +By accident I now found Hazen's brigade--or what remained of it--which had +made a half-mile march to add itself to the unrouted at the memorable +Snodgrass Hill. Hazen's first remark to me was an inquiry about that +artillery ammunition that he had sent me for. + +It was needed badly enough, as were other kinds: for the last hour or two +of that interminable day Granger's were the only men that had enough +ammunition to make a five minutes' fight. Had the Confederates made one +more general attack we should have had to meet them with the bayonet +alone. I don't know why they did not; probably they were short of +ammunition. I know, though, that while the sun was taking its own time to +set we lived through the agony of at least one death each, waiting for +them to come on. + +At last it grew too dark to fight. Then away to our left and rear some of +Bragg's people set up "the rebel yell." It was taken up successively and +passed round to our front, along our right and in behind us again, until +it seemed almost to have got to the point whence it started. It was the +ugliest sound that any mortal ever heard--even a mortal exhausted and +unnerved by two days of hard fighting, without sleep, without rest, +without food and without hope. There was, however, a space somewhere at +the back of us across which that horrible yell did not prolong itself; and +through that we finally retired in profound silence and dejection, +unmolested. + +To those of us who have survived the attacks of both Bragg and Time, and +who keep in memory the dear dead comrades whom we left upon that fateful +field, the place means much. May it mean something less to the younger men +whose tents are now pitched where, with bended heads and clasped hands, +God's great angels stood invisible among the heroes in blue and the heroes +in gray, sleeping their last sleep in the woods of Chickamauga. + +_1898_. + + +THE CRIME AT PICKETT'S MILL + +There is a class of events which by their very nature, and despite any +intrinsic interest that they may possess, are foredoomed to oblivion. They +are merged in the general story of those greater events of which they were +a part, as the thunder of a billow breaking on a distant beach is unnoted +in the continuous roar. To how many having knowledge of the battles of our +Civil War does the name Pickett's Mill suggest acts of heroism and +devotion performed in scenes of awful carnage to accomplish the +impossible? Buried in the official reports of the victors there are indeed +imperfect accounts of the engagement: the vanquished have not thought it +expedient to relate it. It is ignored by General Sherman in his memoirs, +yet Sherman ordered it. General Howard wrote an account of the campaign of +which it was an incident, and dismissed it in a single sentence; yet +General Howard planned it, and it was fought as an isolated and +independent action under his eye. Whether it was so trifling an affair as +to justify this inattention let the reader judge. + +The fight occurred on the 27th of May, 1864, while the armies of Generals +Sherman and Johnston confronted each other near Dallas, Georgia, during +the memorable "Atlanta campaign." For three weeks we had been pushing the +Confederates southward, partly by manoeuvring, partly by fighting, out of +Dalton, out of Resaca, through Adairsville, Kingston and Cassville. Each +army offered battle everywhere, but would accept it only on its own terms. +At Dallas Johnston made another stand and Sherman, facing the hostile +line, began his customary manoeuvring for an advantage. General Wood's +division of Howard's corps occupied a position opposite the Confederate +right. Johnston finding himself on the 26th overlapped by Schofield, still +farther to Wood's left, retired his right (Polk) across a creek, whither +we followed him into the woods with a deal of desultory bickering, and at +nightfall had established the new lines at nearly a right angle with the +old--Schofield reaching well around and threatening the Confederate rear. + +The civilian reader must not suppose when he reads accounts of military +operations in which relative positions of the forces are defined, as in +the foregoing passages, that these were matters of general knowledge to +those engaged. Such statements are commonly made, even by those high in +command, in the light of later disclosures, such as the enemy's official +reports. It is seldom, indeed, that a subordinate officer knows anything +about the disposition of the enemy's forces--except that it is +unaimable--or precisely whom he is fighting. As to the rank and file, they +can know nothing more of the matter than the arms they carry. They hardly +know what troops are upon their own right or left the length of a regiment +away. If it is a cloudy day they are ignorant even of the points of the +compass. It may be said, generally, that a soldier's knowledge of what is +going on about him is coterminous with his official relation to it and his +personal connection with it; what is going on in front of him he does not +know at all until he learns it afterward. + +At nine o'clock on the morning of the 27th Wood's division was withdrawn +and replaced by Stanley's. Supported by Johnson's division, it moved at +ten o'clock to the left, in the rear of Schofield, a distance of four +miles through a forest, and at two o'clock in the afternoon had reached a +position where General Howard believed himself free to move in behind the +enemy's forces and attack them in the rear, or at least, striking them in +the flank, crush his way along their line in the direction of its length, +throw them into confusion and prepare an easy victory for a supporting +attack in front. In selecting General Howard for this bold adventure +General Sherman was doubtless not unmindful of Chancellorsville, where +Stonewall Jackson had executed a similar manoeuvre for Howard's +instruction. Experience is a normal school: it teaches how to teach. + +There are some differences to be noted. At Chancellorsville it was Jackson +who attacked; at Pickett's Mill, Howard. At Chancellorsville it was Howard +who was assailed; at Pickett's Mill, Hood. The significance of the first +distinction is doubled by that of the second. + +The attack, it was understood, was to be made in column of brigades, +Hazen's brigade of Wood's division leading. That such was at least Hazen's +understanding I learned from his own lips during the movement, as I was an +officer of his staff. But after a march of less than a mile an hour and a +further delay of three hours at the end of it to acquaint the enemy of our +intention to surprise him, our single shrunken brigade of fifteen hundred +men was sent forward without support to double up the army of General +Johnston. "We will put in Hazen and see what success he has." In these +words of General Wood to General Howard we were first apprised of the true +nature of the distinction about to be conferred upon us. + +General W.B. Hazen, a born fighter, an educated soldier, after the war +Chief Signal Officer of the Army and now long dead, was the best hated man +that I ever knew, and his very memory is a terror to every unworthy soul +in the service. His was a stormy life: he was in trouble all round. Grant, +Sherman, Sheridan and a countless multitude of the less eminent luckless +had the misfortune, at one time and another, to incur his disfavor, and he +tried to punish them all. He was always--after the war--the central figure +of a court-martial or a Congressional inquiry, was accused of everything, +from stealing to cowardice, was banished to obscure posts, "jumped on" by +the press, traduced in public and in private, and always emerged +triumphant. While Signal Officer, he went up against the Secretary of War +and put him to the controversial sword. He convicted Sheridan of +falsehood, Sherman of barbarism, Grant of inefficiency. He was aggressive, +arrogant, tyrannical, honorable, truthful, courageous--skillful soldier, a +faithful friend and one of the most exasperating of men Duty was his +religion, and like the Moslem he proselyted with the sword. His missionary +efforts were directed chiefly against the spiritual darkness of his +superiors in rank, though he would turn aside from pursuit of his erring +commander to set a chicken-thieving orderly astride a wooden horse, with a +heavy stone attached to each foot. "Hazen," said a brother brigadier, "is +a synonym of insubordination." For my commander and my friend, my master +in the art of war, now unable to answer for himself, let this fact answer: +when he heard Wood say they would put him in and see what success he would +have in defeating an army--when he saw Howard assent--he uttered never a +word, rode to the head of his feeble brigade and patiently awaited the +command to go. Only by a look which I knew how to read did he betray his +sense of the criminal blunder. + +The enemy had now had seven hours in which to learn of the movement and +prepare to meet it. General Johnston says: + +"The Federal troops extended their intrenched line [we did not intrench] +so rapidly to their left that it was found necessary to transfer +Cleburne's division to Hardee's corps to our right, where it was formed on +the prolongation of Polk's line." + +General Hood, commanding the enemy's right corps, says: + +"On the morning of the 27th the enemy were known to be rapidly extending +their left, attempting to turn my right as they extended. Cleburne was +deployed to meet them, and at half-past five P.M. a very stubborn attack +was made on this division, extending to the right, where Major-General +Wheeler with his cavalry division was engaging them. The assault was +continued with great determination upon both Cleburne and Wheeler." + +That, then, was the situation: a weak brigade of fifteen hundred men, with +masses of idle troops behind in the character of audience, waiting for the +word to march a quarter-mile up hill through almost impassable tangles of +underwood, along and across precipitous ravines, and attack breastworks +constructed at leisure and manned with two divisions of troops as good as +themselves. True, we did not know all this, but if any man on that ground +besides Wood and Howard expected a "walkover" his must have been a +singularly hopeful disposition. As topographical engineer it had been my +duty to make a hasty examination of the ground in front. In doing so I had +pushed far enough forward through the forest to hear distinctly the murmur +of the enemy awaiting us, and this had been duly reported; but from our +lines nothing could be heard but the wind among the trees and the songs of +birds. Some one said it was a pity to frighten them, but there would +necessarily be more or less noise. We laughed at that: men awaiting death +on the battlefield laugh easily, though not infectiously. + +The brigade was formed in four battalions, two in front and two in rear. +This gave us a front of about two hundred yards. The right front battalion +was commanded by Colonel R.L. Kimberly of the 41st Ohio, the left by +Colonel O.H. Payne of the 124th Ohio, the rear battalions by Colonel J.C. +Foy, 23d Kentucky, and Colonel W.W. Berry, 5th Kentucky--all brave and +skillful officers, tested by experience on many fields. The whole command +(known as the Second Brigade, Third Division, Fourth Corps) consisted of +no fewer than nine regiments, reduced by long service to an average of +less than two hundred men each. With full ranks and only the necessary +details for special duty we should have had some eight thousand rifles in +line. + +We moved forward. In less than one minute the trim battalions had become +simply a swarm of men struggling through the undergrowth of the forest, +pushing and crowding. The front was irregularly serrated, the strongest +and bravest in advance, the others following in fan-like formations, +variable and inconstant, ever defining themselves anew. For the first two +hundred yards our course lay along the left bank of a small creek in a +deep ravine, our left battalions sweeping along its steep slope. Then we +came to the fork of the ravine. A part of us crossed below, the rest +above, passing over both branches, the regiments inextricably +intermingled, rendering all military formation impossible. The +color-bearers kept well to the front with their flags, closely furled, +aslant backward over their shoulders. Displayed, they would have been torn +to rags by the boughs of the trees. Horses were all sent to the rear; the +general and staff and all the field officers toiled along on foot as best +they could. "We shall halt and form when we get out of this," said an +aide-de-camp. + +Suddenly there were a ringing rattle of musketry, the familiar hissing of +bullets, and before us the interspaces of the forest were all blue with +smoke. Hoarse, fierce yells broke out of a thousand throats. The forward +fringe of brave and hardy assailants was arrested in its mutable +extensions; the edge of our swarm grew dense and clearly defined as the +foremost halted, and the rest pressed forward to align themselves beside +them, all firing. The uproar was deafening; the air was sibilant with +streams and sheets of missiles. In the steady, unvarying roar of +small-arms the frequent shock of the cannon was rather felt than heard, +but the gusts of grape which they blew into that populous wood were +audible enough, screaming among the trees and cracking against their stems +and branches. We had, of course, no artillery to reply. + +Our brave color-bearers were now all in the forefront of battle in the +open, for the enemy had cleared a space in front of his breastworks. They +held the colors erect, shook out their glories, waved them forward and +back to keep them spread, for there was no wind. From where I stood, at +the right of the line--we had "halted and formed," indeed--I could see six +of our flags at one time. Occasionally one would go down, only to be +instantly lifted by other hands. + +I must here quote again from General Johnston's account of this +engagement, for nothing could more truly indicate the resolute nature of +the attack than the Confederate belief that it was made by the whole +Fourth Corps, instead of one weak brigade: + +"The Fourth Corps came on in deep order and assailed the Texans with great +vigor, receiving their close and accurate fire with the fortitude always +exhibited by General Sherman's troops in the actions of this campaign.... +The Federal troops approached within a few yards of the Confederates, but +at last were forced to give way by their storm of well-directed bullets, +and fell back to the shelter of a hollow near and behind them. They left +hundreds of corpses within twenty paces of the Confederate line. When the +United States troops paused in their advance within fifteen paces of the +Texan front rank one of their color-bearers planted his colors eight or +ten feet in front of his regiment, and was instantly shot dead. A soldier +sprang forward to his place and fell also as he grasped the color-staff. A +second and third followed successively, and each received death as +speedily as his predecessors. A fourth, however, seized and bore back the +object of soldierly devotion." + +Such incidents have occurred in battle from time to time since men began +to venerate the symbols of their cause, but they are not commonly related +by the enemy. If General Johnston had known that his veteran divisions +were throwing their successive lines against fewer than fifteen hundred +men his glowing tribute to his enemy's valor could hardly have been more +generously expressed. I can attest the truth of his soldierly praise: I +saw the occurrence that he relates and regret that I am unable to recall +even the name of the regiment whose colors were so gallantly saved. + +Early in my military experience I used to ask myself how it was that brave +troops could retreat while still their courage was high. As long as a man +is not disabled he can go forward; can it be anything but fear that makes +him stop and finally retire? Are there signs by which he can infallibly +know the struggle to be hopeless? In this engagement, as in others, my +doubts were answered as to the fact; the explanation is still obscure. In +many instances which have come under my observation, when hostile lines of +infantry engage at close range and the assailants afterward retire, there +was a "dead-line" beyond which no man advanced but to fall. Not a soul of +them ever reached the enemy's front to be bayoneted or captured. It was a +matter of the difference of three or four paces--too small a distance to +affect the accuracy of aim. In these affairs no aim is taken at individual +antagonists; the soldier delivers his fire at the thickest mass in his +front. The fire is, of course, as deadly at twenty paces as at fifteen; at +fifteen as at ten. Nevertheless, there is the "dead-line," with its +well-defined edge of corpses--those of the bravest. Where both lines are +fighting without cover--as in a charge met by a counter-charge--each has +its "dead-line," and between the two is a clear space--neutral ground, +devoid of dead, for the living cannot reach it to fall there. + +I observed this phenomenon at Pickett's Mill. Standing at the right of the +line I had an unobstructed view of the narrow, open space across which the +two lines fought. It was dim with smoke, but not greatly obscured: the +smoke rose and spread in sheets among the branches of the trees. Most of +our men fought kneeling as they fired, many of them behind trees, stones +and whatever cover they could get, but there were considerable groups that +stood. Occasionally one of these groups, which had endured the storm of +missiles for moments without perceptible reduction, would push forward, +moved by a common despair, and wholly detach itself from the line. In a +second every man of the group would be down. There had been no visible +movement of the enemy, no audible change in the awful, even roar of the +firing--yet all were down. Frequently the dim figure of an individual +soldier would be seen to spring away from his comrades, advancing alone +toward that fateful interspace, with leveled bayonet. He got no farther +than the farthest of his predecessors. Of the "hundreds of corpses within +twenty paces of the Confederate line," I venture to say that a third were +within fifteen paces, and not one within ten. + +It is the perception--perhaps unconscious--of this inexplicable phenomenon +that causes the still unharmed, still vigorous and still courageous +soldier to retire without having come into actual contact with his foe. He +sees, or feels, that he _cannot_. His bayonet is a useless weapon for +slaughter; its purpose is a moral one. Its mandate exhausted, he sheathes +it and trusts to the bullet. That failing, he retreats. He has done all +that he could do with such appliances as he has. + +No command to fall back was given, none could have been heard. Man by man, +the survivors withdrew at will, sifting through the trees into the cover +of the ravines, among the wounded who could drag themselves back; among +the skulkers whom nothing could have dragged forward. The left of our +short line had fought at the corner of a cornfield, the fence along the +right side of which was parallel to the direction of our retreat. As the +disorganized groups fell back along this fence on the wooded side, they +were attacked by a flanking force of the enemy moving through the field in +a direction nearly parallel with what had been our front. This force, I +infer from General Johnston's account, consisted of the brigade of General +Lowry, or two Arkansas regiments under Colonel Baucum. I had been sent by +General Hazen to that point and arrived in time to witness this formidable +movement. But already our retreating men, in obedience to their officers, +their courage and their instinct of self-preservation, had formed along +the fence and opened fire. The apparently slight advantage of the +imperfect cover and the open range worked its customary miracle: the +assault, a singularly spiritless one, considering the advantages it +promised and that it was made by an organized and victorious force against +a broken and retreating one, was checked. The assailants actually retired, +and if they afterward renewed the movement they encountered none but our +dead and wounded. + +The battle, as a battle, was at an end, but there was still some +slaughtering that it was possible to incur before nightfall; and as the +wreck of our brigade drifted back through the forest we met the brigade +(Gibson's) which, had the attack been made in column, as it should have +been, would have been but five minutes behind our heels, with another five +minutes behind its own. As it was, just forty-five minutes had elapsed, +during which the enemy had destroyed us and was now ready to perform the +same kindly office for our successors. Neither Gibson nor the brigade +which was sent to his "relief" as tardily as he to ours accomplished, or +could have hoped to accomplish, anything whatever. I did not note their +movements, having other duties, but Hazen in his "Narrative of Military +Service" says: + +"I witnessed the attack of the two brigades following my own, and none of +these (troops) advanced nearer than one hundred yards of the enemy's +works. They went in at a run, and as organizations were broken in less +than a minute." + +Nevertheless their losses were considerable, including several hundred +prisoners taken from a sheltered place whence they did not care to rise +and run. The entire loss was about fourteen hundred men, of whom nearly +one-half fell killed and wounded in Hazen's brigade in less than thirty +minutes of actual fighting. + +General Johnston says: + +"The Federal dead lying near our line were counted by many persons, +officers and soldiers. According to these counts there were seven hundred +of them." + +This is obviously erroneous, though I have not the means at hand to +ascertain the true number. I remember that we were all astonished at the +uncommonly large proportion of dead to wounded--a consequence of the +uncommonly close range at which most of the fighting was done. + +The action took its name from a water-power mill near by. This was on a +branch of a stream having, I am sorry to say, the prosaic name of Pumpkin +Vine Creek. I have my own reasons for suggesting that the name of that +water-course be altered to Sunday-School Run. + + +FOUR DAYS IN DIXIE + +During a part of the month of October, 1864, the Federal and Confederate +armies of Sherman and Hood respectively, having performed a surprising and +resultless series of marches and countermarches since the fall of Atlanta, +confronted each other along the separating line of the Coosa River in the +vicinity of Gaylesville, Alabama. Here for several days they remained at +rest--at least most of the infantry and artillery did; what the cavalry +was doing nobody but itself ever knew or greatly cared. It was an +interregnum of expectancy between two régimes of activity. + +I was on the staff of Colonel McConnell, who commanded an infantry brigade +in the absence of its regular commander. McConnell was a good man, but he +did not keep a very tight rein upon the half dozen restless and reckless +young fellows who (for his sins) constituted his "military family." In +most matters we followed the trend of our desires, which commonly ran in +the direction of adventure--it did not greatly matter what kind. In +pursuance of this policy of escapades, one bright Sunday morning +Lieutenant Cobb, an aide-de-camp, and I mounted and set out to "seek our +fortunes," as the story books have it. Striking into a road of which we +knew nothing except that it led toward the river, we followed it for a +mile or such a matter, when we found our advance interrupted by a +considerable creek, which we must ford or go back. We consulted a moment +and then rode at it as hard as we could, possibly in the belief that a +high momentum would act as it does in the instance of a skater passing +over thin ice. Cobb was fortunate enough to get across comparatively dry, +but his hapless companion was utterly submerged. The disaster was all the +greater from my having on a resplendent new uniform, of which I had been +pardonably vain. Ah, what a gorgeous new uniform it never was again! + +A half-hour devoted to wringing my clothing and dry-charging my revolver, +and we were away. A brisk canter of a half-hour under the arches of the +trees brought us to the river, where it was our ill luck to find a boat +and three soldiers of our brigade. These men had been for several hours +concealed in the brush patiently watching the opposite bank in the amiable +hope of getting a shot at some unwary Confederate, but had seen none. For +a great distance up and down the stream on the other side, and for at +least a mile back from it, extended cornfields. Beyond the cornfields, on +slightly higher ground, was a thin forest, with breaks here and there in +its continuity, denoting plantations, probably. No houses were in sight, +and no camps. We knew that it was the enemy's ground, but whether his +forces were disposed along the slightly higher country bordering the +bottom lands, or at strategic points miles back, as ours were, we knew no +more than the least curious private in our army. In any case the river +line would naturally be picketed or patrolled. But the charm of the +unknown was upon us: the mysterious exerted its old-time fascination, +beckoning to us from that silent shore so peaceful and dreamy in the +beauty of the quiet Sunday morning. The temptation was strong and we fell. +The soldiers were as eager for the hazard as we, and readily volunteered +for the madmen's enterprise. Concealing our horses in a cane-brake, we +unmoored the boat and rowed across unmolested. + +Arrived at a kind of "landing" on the other side, our first care was so to +secure the boat under the bank as to favor a hasty re-embarking in case we +should be so unfortunate as to incur the natural consequence of our act; +then, following an old road through the ranks of standing corn, we moved +in force upon the Confederate position, five strong, with an armament of +three Springfield rifles and two Colt's revolvers. We had not the further +advantage of music and banners. One thing favored the expedition, giving +it an apparent assurance of success: it was well officered--an officer to +each man and a half. + +After marching about a mile we came into a neck of woods and crossed an +intersecting road which showed no wheel-tracks, but was rich in +hoof-prints. We observed them and kept right on about our business, +whatever that may have been. A few hundred yards farther brought us to a +plantation bordering our road upon the right. The fields, as was the +Southern fashion at that period of the war, were uncultivated and +overgrown with brambles. A large white house stood at some little distance +from the road; we saw women and children and a few negroes there. On our +left ran the thin forest, pervious to cavalry. Directly ahead an ascent in +the road formed a crest beyond which we could see nothing. + +On this crest suddenly appeared two horsemen in gray, sharply outlined +against the sky--men and animals looking gigantic. At the same instant a +jingling and tramping were audible behind us, and turning in that +direction I saw a score of mounted men moving forward at a trot. In the +meantime the giants on the crest had multiplied surprisingly. Our invasion +of the Gulf States had apparently failed. + +There was lively work in the next few seconds. The shots were thick and +fast--and uncommonly loud; none, I think, from our side. Cobb was on the +extreme left of our advance, I on the right--about two paces apart. He +instantly dived into the wood. The three men and I climbed across the +fence somehow and struck out across the field--actuated, doubtless, by an +intelligent forethought: men on horseback could not immediately follow. +Passing near the house, now swarming like a hive of bees, we made for a +swamp two or three hundred yards away, where I concealed myself in a +jungle, the others continuing--as a defeated commander would put it--to +fall back. In my cover, where I lay panting like a hare, I could hear a +deal of shouting and hard riding and an occasional shot. I heard some one +calling dogs, and the thought of bloodhounds added its fine suggestiveness +to the other fancies appropriate to the occasion. + +Finding myself unpursued after the lapse of what seemed an hour, but was +probably a few minutes, I cautiously sought a place where, still +concealed, I could obtain a view of the field of glory. The only enemy in +sight was a group of horsemen on a hill a quarter of a mile away. Toward +this group a woman was running, followed by the eyes of everybody about +the house. I thought she had discovered my hiding-place and was going to +"give me away." Taking to my hands and knees I crept as rapidly as +possible among the clumps of brambles directly back toward the point in +the road where we had met the enemy and failed to make him ours. There I +dragged myself into a patch of briars within ten feet of the road, where I +lay undiscovered during the remainder of the day, listening to a variety +of disparaging remarks upon Yankee valor and to dispiriting declarations +of intention conditional on my capture, as members of the Opposition +passed and repassed and paused in the road to discuss the morning's +events. In this way I learned that the three privates had been headed off +and caught within ten minutes. Their destination would naturally be +Andersonville; what further became of them God knows. Their captors passed +the day making a careful canvass of the swamp for me. + +When night had fallen I cautiously left my place of concealment, dodged +across the road into the woods and made for the river through the mile of +corn. Such corn! It towered above me like a forest, shutting out all the +starlight except what came from directly overhead. Many of the ears were a +yard out of reach. One who has never seen an Alabama river-bottom +cornfield has not exhausted nature's surprises; nor will he know what +solitude is until he explores one in a moonless night. + +I came at last to the river bank with its fringe of trees and willows and +canes. My intention was to swim across, but the current was swift, the +water forbiddingly dark and cold. A mist obscured the other bank. I could +not, indeed, see the water more than a few yards out. It was a hazardous +and horrible undertaking, and I gave it up, following cautiously along the +bank in search of the spot where we had moored the boat. True, it was +hardly likely that the landing was now unguarded, or, if so, that the boat +was still there. Cobb had undoubtedly made for it, having an even more +urgent need than I; but hope springs eternal in the human breast, and +there was a chance that he had been killed before reaching it. I came at +last into the road that we had taken and consumed half the night in +cautiously approaching the landing, pistol in hand and heart in mouth. The +boat was gone! I continued my journey along the stream--in search of +another. + +My clothing was still damp from my morning bath, my teeth rattled with +cold, but I kept on along the stream until I reached the limit of the +cornfields and entered a dense wood. Through this I groped my way, inch by +inch, when, suddenly emerging from a thicket into a space slightly more +open, I came upon a smoldering camp-fire surrounded by prostrate figures +of men, upon one of whom I had almost trodden. A sentinel, who ought to +have been shot, sat by the embers, his carbine across his lap, his chin +upon his breast. Just beyond was a group of unsaddled horses. The men were +asleep; the sentinel was asleep; the horses were asleep. There was +something indescribably uncanny about it all. For a moment I believed them +all lifeless, and O'Hara's familiar line, "The bivouac of the dead," +quoted itself in my consciousness. The emotion that I felt was that +inspired by a sense of the supernatural; of the actual and imminent peril +of my position I had no thought. When at last it occurred to me I felt it +as a welcome relief, and stepping silently back into the shadow retraced +my course without having awakened a soul. The vividness with which I can +now recall that scene is to me one of the marvels of memory. + +Getting my bearings again with some difficulty, I now made a wide detour +to the left, in the hope of passing around this outpost and striking the +river beyond. In this mad attempt I ran upon a more vigilant sentinel, +posted in the heart of a thicket, who fired at me without challenge. To a +soldier an unexpected shot ringing out at dead of night is fraught with an +awful significance. In my circumstances--cut off from my comrades, groping +about an unknown country, surrounded by invisible perils which such a +signal would call into eager activity--the flash and shock of that firearm +were unspeakably dreadful! In any case I should and ought to have fled, +and did so; but how much or little of conscious prudence there was in the +prompting I do not care to discover by analysis of memory. I went back +into the corn, found the river, followed it back a long way and mounted +into the fork of a low tree. There I perched until the dawn, a most +uncomfortable bird. + +In the gray light of the morning I discovered that I was opposite an +island of considerable length, separated from the mainland by a narrow and +shallow channel, which I promptly waded. The island was low and flat, +covered with an almost impenetrable cane-brake interlaced with vines. +Working my way through these to the other side, I obtained another look at +God's country--Shermany, so to speak. There were no visible inhabitants. +The forest and the water met. This did not deter me. For the chill of the +water I had no further care, and laying off my boots and outer clothing I +prepared to swim. A strange thing now occurred--more accurately, a +familiar thing occurred at a strange moment. A black cloud seemed to pass +before my eyes--the water, the trees, the sky, all vanished in a profound +darkness. I heard the roaring of a great cataract, felt the earth sinking +from beneath my feet. Then I heard and felt no more. + +At the battle of Kennesaw Mountain in the previous June I had been badly +wounded in the head, and for three months was incapacitated for service. +In truth, I had done no actual duty since, being then, as for many years +afterward, subject to fits of fainting, sometimes without assignable +immediate cause, but mostly when suffering from exposure, excitement or +excessive fatigue. This combination of them all had broken me down--most +opportunely, it would seem. + +When I regained my consciousness the sun was high. I was still giddy and +half blind. To have taken to the water would have been madness; I must +have a raft. Exploring my island, I found a pen of slender logs: an old +structure without roof or rafters, built for what purpose I do not know. +Several of these logs I managed with patient toil to detach and convey to +the water, where I floated them, lashing them together with vines. Just +before sunset my raft was complete and freighted with my outer clothing, +boots and pistol. Having shipped the last article, I returned into the +brake, seeking something from which to improvise a paddle. While peering +about I heard a sharp metallic click--the cocking of a rifle! I was a +prisoner. + +The history of this great disaster to the Union arms is brief and simple. +A Confederate "home guard," hearing something going on upon the island, +rode across, concealed his horse and still-hunted me. And, reader, when +you are "held up" in the same way may it be by as fine a fellow. He not +only spared my life, but even overlooked a feeble and ungrateful +after-attempt upon his own (the particulars of which I shall not relate), +merely exacting my word of honor that I would not again try to escape +while in his custody. Escape! I could not have escaped a new-born babe. + +At my captor's house that evening there was a reception, attended by the +élite of the whole vicinity. A Yankee officer in full fig--minus only the +boots, which could not be got on to his swollen feet--was something worth +seeing, and those who came to scoff remained to stare. What most +interested them, I think, was my eating--an entertainment that was +prolonged to a late hour. They were a trifle disappointed by the absence +of horns, hoof and tail, but bore their chagrin with good-natured +fortitude. Among my visitors was a charming young woman from the +plantation where we had met the foe the day before--the same lady whom I +had suspected of an intention to reveal my hiding-place. She had had no +such design; she had run over to the group of horsemen to learn if her +father had been hurt--by whom, I should like to know. No restraint was put +upon me; my captor even left me with the women and children and went off +for instructions as to what disposition he should make of me. Altogether +the reception was "a pronounced success," though it is to be regretted +that the guest of the evening had the incivility to fall dead asleep in +the midst of the festivities, and was put to bed by sympathetic and, he +has reason to believe, fair hands. + +The next morning I was started off to the rear in custody of two mounted +men, heavily armed. They had another prisoner, picked up in some raid +beyond the river. He was a most offensive brute--a foreigner of some +mongrel sort, with just sufficient command of our tongue to show that he +could not control his own. We traveled all day, meeting occasional small +bodies of cavalrymen, by whom, with one exception--a Texan officer--was +civilly treated. My guards said, however, that if we should chance to meet +Jeff Gatewood he would probably take me from them and hang me to the +nearest tree; and once or twice, hearing horsemen approach, they directed +me to stand aside, concealed in the brush, one of them remaining near by +to keep an eye on me, the other going forward with my fellow-prisoner, for +whose neck they seemed to have less tenderness, and whom I heartily wished +well hanged. + +Jeff Gatewood was a "guerrilla" chief of local notoriety, who was a +greater terror to his friends than to his other foes. My guards related +almost incredible tales of his cruelties and infamies. By their account it +was into his camp that I had blundered on Sunday night. + +We put up for the night at a farmhouse, having gone not more than fifteen +miles, owing to the condition of my feet. Here we got a bite of supper and +were permitted to lie before the fire. My fellow-prisoner took off his +boots and was soon sound asleep. I took off nothing and, despite +exhaustion, remained equally sound awake. One of the guards also removed +his footgear and outer clothing, placed his weapons under his neck and +slept the sleep of innocence; the other sat in the chimney corner on +watch. The house was a double log cabin, with an open space between the +two parts, roofed over--a common type of habitation in that region. The +room we were in had its entrance in this open space, the fireplace +opposite, at the end. Beside the door was a bed, occupied by the old man +of the house and his wife. It was partly curtained off from the room. + +In an hour or two the chap on watch began to yawn, then to nod. Pretty +soon he stretched himself on the floor, facing us, pistol in hand. For a +while he supported himself on his elbow, then laid his head on his arm, +blinking like an owl. I performed an occasional snore, watching him +narrowly between my eyelashes from the shadow of my arm. The inevitable +occurred--he slept audibly. + +A half-hour later I rose quietly to my feet, particularly careful not to +disturb the blackguard at my side, and moved as silently as possible to +the door. Despite my care the latch clicked. The old lady sat bolt upright +in bed and stared at me. She was too late. I sprang through the door and +struck out for the nearest point of woods, in a direction previously +selected, vaulting fences like an accomplished gymnast and followed by a +multitude of dogs. It is said that the State of Alabama has more dogs than +school-children, and that they cost more for their keep. The estimate of +cost is probably too high. + +Looking backward as I ran, I saw and heard the place in a turmoil and +uproar; and to my joy the old man, evidently oblivious to the facts of the +situation, was lifting up his voice and calling his dogs. They were good +dogs: they went back; otherwise the malicious old rascal would have had my +skeleton. Again the traditional bloodhound did not materialize. Other +pursuit there was no reason to fear; my foreign gentleman would occupy the +attention of one of the soldiers, and in the darkness of the forest I +could easily elude the other, or, if need be, get him at a disadvantage. +In point of fact there was no pursuit. + +I now took my course by the north star (which I can never sufficiently +bless), avoiding all roads and open places about houses, laboriously +boring my way through forests, driving myself like a wedge into brush and +bramble, swimming every stream I came to (some of them more than once, +probably), and pulling myself out of the water by boughs and +briars--whatever could be grasped. Let any one try to go a little way +across even the most familiar country on a moonless night, and he will +have an experience to remember. By dawn I had probably not made three +miles. My clothing and skin were alike in rags. + +During the day I was compelled to make wide detours to avoid even the +fields, unless they were of corn; but in other respects the going was +distinctly better. A light breakfast of raw sweet potatoes and persimmons +cheered the inner man; a good part of the outer was decorating the several +thorns, boughs and sharp rocks along my sylvan wake. + +Late in the afternoon I found the river, at what point it was impossible +to say. After a half-hour's rest, concluding with a fervent prayer that I +might go to the bottom, I swam across. Creeping up the bank and holding my +course still northward through a dense undergrowth, I suddenly reeled into +a dusty highway and saw a more heavenly vision than ever the eyes of a +dying saint were blessed withal--two patriots in blue carrying a stolen +pig slung upon a pole! + +Late that evening Colonel McConnell and his staff were chatting by a +camp-fire in front of his headquarters. They were in a pleasant humor: +some one had just finished a funny story about a man cut in two by a +cannon-shot. Suddenly something staggered in among them from the outer +darkness and fell into the fire. Somebody dragged it out by what seemed to +be a leg. They turned the animal on its back and examined it--they were no +cowards. + +"What is it, Cobb?" said the chief, who had not taken the trouble to rise. + +"I don't know, Colonel, but thank God it is dead!" + +It was not. + + +WHAT OCCURRED AT FRANKLIN + +For several days, in snow and rain, General Schofield's little army had +crouched in its hastily constructed defenses at Columbia, Tennessee. It +had retreated in hot haste from Pulaski, thirty miles to the south, +arriving just in time to foil Hood, who, marching from Florence, Alabama, +by another road, with a force of more than double our strength, had hoped +to intercept us. Had he succeeded, he would indubitably have bagged the +whole bunch of us. As it was, he simply took position in front of us and +gave us plenty of employment, but did not attack; he knew a trick worth +two of that. + +Duck River was directly in our rear; I suppose both our flanks rested on +it. The town was between them. One night--that of November 27, 1864--we +pulled up stakes and crossed to the north bank to continue our retreat to +Nashville, where Thomas and safety lay--such safety as is known in war. It +was high time too, for before noon of the next day Forrest's cavalry +forded the river a few miles above us and began pushing back our own horse +toward Spring Hill, ten miles in our rear, on our only road. Why our +infantry was not immediately put in motion toward the threatened point, so +vital to our safety, General Schofield could have told better than I. +Howbeit, we lay there inactive all day. + +The next morning--a bright and beautiful one--the brigade of Colonel P. +Sidney Post was thrown out, up the river four or five miles, to see what +it could see. What it saw was Hood's head-of-column coming over on a +pontoon bridge, and a right pretty spectacle it would have been to one +whom it did not concern. It concerned us rather keenly. + +As a member of Colonel Post's staff, I was naturally favored with a good +view of the performance. We formed in line of battle at a distance of +perhaps a half-mile from the bridge-head, but that unending column of gray +and steel gave us no more attention than if we had been a crowd of +farmer-folk. Why should it? It had only to face to the left to be itself a +line of battle. Meantime it had more urgent business on hand than brushing +away a small brigade whose only offense was curiosity; it was making for +Spring Hill with all its legs and wheels. Hour after hour we watched that +unceasing flow of infantry and artillery toward the rear of our army. It +was an unnerving spectacle, yet we never for a moment doubted that, acting +on the intelligence supplied by our succession of couriers, our entire +force was moving rapidly to the point of contact. The battle of Spring +Hill was obviously decreed. Obviously, too, our brigade of observation +would be among the last to have a hand in it. The thought annoyed us, made +us restless and resentful. Our mounted men rode forward and back behind +the line, nervous and distressed; the men in the ranks sought relief in +frequent changes of posture, in shifting their weight from one leg to the +other, in needless inspection of their weapons and in that unfailing +resource of the discontented soldier, audible damning of those in the +saddles of authority. But never for more than a moment at a time did any +one remove his eyes from that fascinating and portentous pageant. + +Toward evening we were recalled, to learn that of our five divisions of +infantry, with their batteries, numbering twenty-three thousand men, only +one--Stanley's, four thousand weak--had been sent to Spring Hill to meet +that formidable movement of Hood's three veteran corps! Why Stanley was +not immediately effaced is still a matter of controversy. Hood, who was +early on the ground, declared that he gave the needful orders and tried +vainly to enforce them; Cheatham, in command of his leading corps, that he +did not. Doubtless the dispute is still being carried on between these +chieftains from their beds of asphodel and moly in Elysium. So much is +certain: Stanley drove away Forrest and successfully held the junction of +the roads against Cleburne's division, the only infantry that attacked +him. + +That night the entire Confederate army lay within a half mile of our road, +while we all sneaked by, infantry, artillery, and trains. The enemy's +camp-fires shone redly--miles of them--seemingly only a stone's throw from +our hurrying column. His men were plainly visible about them, cooking +their suppers--a sight so incredible that many of our own, thinking them +friends, strayed over to them and did not return. At intervals of a few +hundred yards we passed dim figures on horseback by the roadside, +enjoining silence. Needless precaution; we could not have spoken if we had +tried, for our hearts were in our throats. But fools are God's peculiar +care, arid one of his protective methods is the stupidity of other fools. +By daybreak our last man and last wagon had passed the fateful spot +unchallenged, and our first were entering Franklin, ten miles away. +Despite spirited cavalry attacks on trains and rear-guard, all were in +Franklin by noon and such of the men as could be kept awake were throwing +up a slight line of defense, inclosing the town. + +Franklin lies--or at that time did lie; I know not what exploration might +now disclose--on the south bank of a small river, the Harpeth by name. For +two miles southward was a nearly flat, open plain, extending to a range of +low hills through which passed the turnpike by which we had come. From +some bluffs on the precipitous north bank of the river was a commanding +overlook of all this open ground, which, although more than a mile away, +seemed almost at one's feet. On this elevated ground the wagon-train had +been parked and General Schofield had stationed himself--the former for +security, the latter for outlook. Both were guarded by General Wood's +infantry division, of which my brigade was a part. "We are in beautiful +luck," said a member of the division staff. With some prevision of what +was to come and a lively recollection of the nervous strain of helpless +observation, I did not think it luck. In the activity of battle one does +not feel one's hair going gray with vicissitudes of emotion. + +For some reason to the writer unknown General Schofield had brought along +with him General D.S. Stanley, who commanded two of his divisions--ours +and another, which was not "in luck." In the ensuing battle, when this +excellent officer could stand the strain no longer, he bolted across the +bridge like a shot and found relief in the hell below, where he was +promptly tumbled out of the saddle by a bullet. + +Our line, with its reserve brigades, was about a mile and a half long, +both flanks on the river, above and below the town--a mere bridge-head. It +did not look a very formidable obstacle to the march of an army of more +than forty thousand men. In a more tranquil temper than his failure at +Spring Hill had put him into Hood would probably have passed around our +left and turned us out with ease--which would justly have entitled him to +the Humane Society's great gold medal. Apparently that was not his day for +saving life. + +About the middle of the afternoon our field-glasses picked up the +Confederate head-of-column emerging from the range of hills previously +mentioned, where it is cut by the Columbia road. But--ominous +circumstance!--it did not come on. It turned to its left, at a right +angle, moving along the base of the hills, parallel to our line. Other +heads-of-column came through other gaps and over the crests farther along, +impudently deploying on the level ground with a spectacular display of +flags and glitter of arms. I do not remember that they were molested, even +by the guns of General Wagner, who had been foolishly posted with two +small brigades across the turnpike, a half-mile in our front, where he was +needless for apprisal and powerless for resistance. My recollection is +that our fellows down there in their shallow trenches noted these +portentous dispositions without the least manifestation of incivility. As +a matter of fact, many of them were permitted by their compassionate +officers to sleep. And truly it was good weather for that: sleep was in +the very atmosphere. The sun burned crimson in a gray-blue sky through a +delicate Indian-summer haze, as beautiful as a day-dream in paradise. If +one had been given to moralizing one might have found material a-plenty +for homilies in the contrast between that peaceful autumn afternoon and +the bloody business that it had in hand. If any good chaplain failed to +"improve the occasion" let us hope that he lived to lament in +sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses his intellectual unthrift. + +The putting of that army into battle shape--its change from columns into +lines--could not have occupied more than an hour or two, yet it seemed an +eternity. Its leisurely evolutions were irritating, but at last it moved +forward with atoning rapidity and the fight was on. First, the storm +struck Wagner's isolated brigades, which, vanishing in fire and smoke, +instantly reappeared as a confused mass of fugitives inextricably +intermingled with their pursuers. They had not stayed the advance a +moment, and as might have been foreseen were now a peril to the main line, +which could protect itself only by the slaughter of its friends. To the +right and left, however, our guns got into play, and simultaneously a +furious infantry fire broke out along the entire front, the paralyzed +center excepted. But nothing could stay those gallant rebels from a +hand-to-hand encounter with bayonet and butt, and it was accorded to them +with hearty good-will. + +Meantime Wagner's conquerors were pouring across the breastwork like water +over a dam. The guns that had spared the fugitives had now no time to +fire; their infantry supports gave way and for a space of more than two +hundred yards in the very center of our line the assailants, mad with +exultation, had everything their own way. From the right and the left +their gray masses converged into the gap, pushed through, and then, +spreading, turned our men out of the works so hardly held against the +attack in their front. From our viewpoint on the bluff we could mark the +constant widening of the gap, the steady encroachment of that blazing and +smoking mass against its disordered opposition. + +"It is all up with us," said Captain Dawson, of Wood's staff; "I am going +to have a quiet smoke." + +I do not doubt that he supposed himself to have borne the heat and burden +of the strife. In the midst of his preparations for a smoke he paused and +looked again--a new tumult of musketry had broken loose. Colonel Emerson +Opdycke had rushed his reserve brigade into the _mêlée_ and was bitterly +disputing the Confederate advantage. Other fresh regiments joined in the +countercharge, commanderless groups of retreating men returned to their +work, and there ensued a hand-to-hand contest of incredible fury. Two +long, irregular, mutable, and tumultuous blurs of color were consuming +each other's edge along the line of contact. Such devil's work does not +last long, and we had the great joy to see it ending, not as it began, but +"more nearly to the heart's desire." Slowly the mobile blur moved away +from the town, and presently the gray half of it dissolved into its +elemental units, all in slow recession. The retaken guns in the embrasures +pushed up towering clouds of white smoke; to east and to west along the +reoccupied parapet ran a line of misty red till the spitfire crest was +without a break from flank to flank. Probably there was some Yankee +cheering, as doubtless there had been the "rebel yell," but my memory +recalls neither. There are many battles in a war, and many incidents in a +battle: one does not recollect everything. Possibly I have not a retentive +ear. + +While this lively work had been doing in the center, there had been no +lack of diligence elsewhere, and now all were as busy as bees. I have read +of many "successive attacks"--"charge after charge"--but I think the only +assaults after the first were those of the second Confederate lines and +possibly some of the reserves; certainly there were no visible abatement +and renewal of effort anywhere except where the men who had been pushed +out of the works backward tried to reenter. And all the time there was +fighting. + +After resetting their line the victors could not clear their front, for +the baffled assailants would not desist. All over the open country in +their rear, clear back to the base of the hills, drifted the wreck of +battle, the wounded that were able to walk; and through the receding +throng pushed forward, here and there, horsemen with orders and footmen +whom we knew to be bearing ammunition. There were no wagons, no caissons: +the enemy was not using, and could not use, his artillery. Along the line +of fire we could see, dimly in the smoke, mounted officers, singly and in +small groups, attempting to force their horses across the slight parapet, +but all went down. Of this devoted band was the gallant General Adams, +whose body was found upon the slope, and whose animal's forefeet were +actually inside the crest. General Cleburne lay a few paces farther out, +and five or six other general officers sprawled elsewhere. It was a great +day for Confederates in the line of promotion. + +For many minutes at a time broad spaces of battle were veiled in smoke. Of +what might be occurring there conjecture gave a terrifying report. In a +visible peril observation is a kind of defense; against the unseen we lift +a trembling hand. Always from these regions of obscurity we expected the +worst, but always the lifted cloud revealed an unaltered situation. + +The assailants began to give way. There was no general retreat; at many +points the fight continued, with lessening ferocity and lengthening range, +well into the night. It became an affair of twinkling musketry and broad +flares of artillery; then it sank to silence in the dark. + +Under orders to continue his retreat, Schofield could now do so +unmolested: Hood had suffered so terrible a loss in life and _morale_ that +he was in no condition for effective pursuit. As at Spring Hill, daybreak +found us on the road with all our impedimenta except some of our wounded, +and that night we encamped under the protecting guns of Thomas, at +Nashville. Our gallant enemy audaciously followed, and fortified himself +within rifle-reach, where he remained for two weeks without firing a gun +and was then destroyed. + + +'WAY DOWN IN ALABAM' + +At the break-up of the great Rebellion I found myself at Selma, Alabama, +still in the service of the United States, and although my duties were now +purely civil my treatment was not uniformly so, and I am not surprised +that it was not. I was a minor official in the Treasury Department, +engaged in performance of duties exceedingly disagreeable not only to the +people of the vicinity, but to myself as well. They consisted in the +collection and custody of "captured and abandoned property." The Treasury +had covered pretty nearly the entire area of "the States lately in +rebellion" with a hierarchy of officials, consisting, as nearly as memory +serves, of one supervising agent and a multitude of special agents. Each +special agent held dominion over a collection district and was allowed an +"agency aide" to assist him in his purposeful activity, besides such +clerks, laborers and so forth as he could persuade himself to need. My +humble position was that of agency aide. When the special agent was +present for duty I was his chief executive officer; in his absence I +represented him (with greater or less fidelity to the original and to my +conscience) and was invested with his powers. In the Selma agency the +property that we were expected to seize and defend as best we might was +mostly plantations (whose owners had disappeared; some were dead, others +in hiding) and cotton. The country was full of cotton which had been sold +to the Confederate Government, but not removed from the plantations to +take its chance of export through the blockade. It had been decided that +it now belonged to the United States. It was worth about five hundred +dollars a bale--say one dollar a pound. The world agreed that that was a +pretty good price for cotton. + +Naturally the original owners, having received nothing for their product +but Confederate money which the result of the war had made worthless, +manifested an unamiable reluctance to give it up, for if they could market +it for themselves it would more than recoup them for all their losses in +the war. They had therefore exercised a considerable ingenuity in effacing +all record of its transfer to the Confederate Government, obliterating the +marks on the bales, and hiding these away in swamps and other +inconspicuous places, fortifying their claims to private ownership with +appalling affidavits and "covering their tracks" in an infinite variety of +ways generally. + +In effecting their purpose they encountered many difficulties. Cotton in +bales is not very portable property; it requires for movement and +concealment a good deal of coöperation by persons having no interest in +keeping the secret and easily accessible to the blandishments of those +interested in tracing it. The negroes, by whom the work was necessarily +done, were zealous to pay for emancipation by fidelity to the new +_régime_, and many poor devils among them forfeited their lives by +services performed with more loyalty than discretion. Railways--even those +having a more than nominal equipment of rails and rolling stock--were +unavailable for secret conveyance of the cotton. Navigating the Alabama +and Tombigbee rivers were a few small steamboats, the half-dozen pilots +familiar with these streams exacting one hundred dollars a day for their +services; but our agents, backed by military authority, were at all the +principal shipping points and no boat could leave without their consent. +The port of Mobile was in our hands and the lower waters were patrolled by +gunboats. Cotton might, indeed, be dumped down a "slide" by night at some +private landing and fall upon the deck of a steamer idling innocently +below. It might even arrive at Mobile, but secretly to transfer it to a +deep-water vessel and get it out of the country--that was a dream. + +On the movement of private cotton we put no restrictions; and such were +the freight rates that it was possible to purchase a steamboat at Mobile, +go up the river in ballast, bring down a cargo of cotton and make a +handsome profit, after deducting the cost of the boat and all expenses of +the venture, including the wage of the pilot. With no great knowledge of +"business" I venture to think that in Alabama in the latter part of the +year of grace 1865 commercial conditions were hardly normal. + +Nor were social conditions what I trust they have now become. There was no +law in the country except of the unsatisfactory sort known as "martial," +and that was effective only within areas covered by the guns of isolated +forts and the physical activities of their small garrisons. True, there +were the immemorial laws of self-preservation and retaliation, both of +which were liberally interpreted. The latter was faithfully administered, +mostly against straggling Federal soldiers and too zealous government +officials. When my chief had been ordered to Selma he had arrived just in +time to act as sole mourner at the funeral of his predecessor--who had had +the bad luck to interpret his instructions in a sense that was +disagreeable to a gentleman whose interests were affected by the +interpretation. Early one pleasant morning shortly afterward two United +States marshals were observed by the roadside in a suburb of the town. +They looked comfortable enough there in the sunshine, but each + + had that across his throat + Which you had hardly cared to see. + +When dispatched on business of a delicate nature men in the service of the +agency had a significant trick of disappearing--they were of "the +unreturning brave." Really the mortality among the unacclimated in the +Selma district at that time was excessive. When my chief and I parted at +dinner time (our palates were not in harmony) we commonly shook hands and +tried to say something memorable that was worthy to serve as "last words." +We had been in the army together and had many a time gone into battle +without having taken that precaution in the interest of history. + +Of course the better class of the people were not accountable for this +state of affairs, and I do not remember that I greatly blamed the others. +The country was full of the "elements of combustion." The people were +impoverished and smarting with a sense of defeat. Organized resistance was +no longer possible, but many men trained to the use of arms did not +consider themselves included in the surrender and conscientiously believed +it both right and expedient to prolong the struggle by private enterprise. +Many, no doubt, made the easy and natural transition from soldiering to +assassination by insensible degrees, unconscious of the moral difference, +such as it is. Selma was little better than a ruin; in the concluding +period of the war General Wilson's cavalry had raided it and nearly +destroyed it, and the work begun by the battery had been completed by the +torch. The conflagration was generally attributed to the negroes, who +certainly augmented it, for a number of those suspected of the crime were +flung into the flames by the maddened populace. None the less were the +Yankee invaders held responsible. + +Every Northern man represented some form or phase of an authority which +these luckless people horribly hated, and to which they submitted only +because, and in so far as, they had to. Fancy such a community, utterly +without the restraints of law and with no means of ascertaining public +opinion--for newspapers were not--denied even the moral advantage of the +pulpit! Considering what human nature has the misfortune to be, it is +wonderful that there was so little of violence and crime. + +As the carcass invites the vulture, this prostrate land drew adventurers +from all points of the compass. Many, I am sorry to say, were in the +service of the United States Government. Truth to tell, the special agents +of the Treasury were themselves, as a body, not altogether spotless. I +could name some of them, and some of their assistants, who made large +fortunes by their opportunities. The special agents were allowed +one-fourth of the value of the confiscated cotton for expenses of +collection--none too much, considering the arduous and perilous character +of the service; but the plan opened up such possibilities of fraud as have +seldom been accorded by any system of conducting the public business, and +never without disastrous results to official morality. Against bribery no +provision could have provided an adequate safeguard; the magnitude of the +interests involved was too great, the administration of the trust too +loose and irresponsible. The system as it was, hastily devised in the +storm and stress of a closing war, broke down in the end, and it is +doubtful if the Government might not more profitably have let the +"captured and abandoned property" alone. + +As an instance of the temptations to which we were exposed, and of our +tactical dispositions in resistance, I venture to relate a single +experience of my own. During an absence of my chief I got upon the trail +of a lot of cotton--seven hundred bales, as nearly as I now +recollect--which had been hidden with so exceptional ingenuity that I was +unable to trace it. One day there came to my office two well-dressed and +mannerly fellows who suffered me to infer that they knew all about this +cotton and controlled it. When our conference on the subject ended it was +past dinner time and they civilly invited me to dine with them, which, in +hope of eliciting information over the wine, I did. I knew well enough +that they indulged a similar selfish hope, so I had no scruples about +using their hospitality to their disadvantage if I could. The subject, +however, was not mentioned at table, and we were all singularly abstemious +in the matter of champagne--so much so that as we rose from a rather long +session at the board we disclosed our sense of the ludicrousness of the +situation by laughing outright. Nevertheless, neither party would accept +defeat, and for the next few weeks the war of hospitality was fast and +furious. We dined together nearly every day, sometimes at my expense, +sometimes at theirs. We drove, rode, walked, played at billiards and made +many a night of it; but youth and temperance (in drink) pulled me through +without serious inroads on my health. We had early come to an +understanding and a deadlock. Failing to get the slenderest clew to the +location of the cotton I offered them one-fourth if they would surrender +it or disclose its hiding-place; they offered me one-fourth if I would +sign a permit for its shipment as private property. + +All things have an end, and this amusing contest finally closed. Over the +remains of a farewell dinner, unusually luxurious, as befitted the +occasion, we parted with expressions of mutual esteem--not, I hope, +altogether insincere, and the ultimate fate of the cotton is to me +unknown. Up to the date of my departure from the agency not a bale of it +had either come into possession of the Government or found an outlet. I am +sometimes disloyal enough to indulge myself in the hope that they baffled +my successors as skilfully as they did me. One cannot help feeling a +certain tenderness for men who know and value a good dinner. + +Another corrupt proposal that I had the good fortune to be afraid to +entertain came, as it were, from within. There was a dare-devil fellow +whom, as I know him to be dead, I feel justified in naming Jack Harris. He +was engaged in all manner of speculative ventures on his own account, but +the special agent had so frequently employed him in "enterprises of great +pith and moment" that he was in a certain sense and to a certain extent +one of us. He seemed to me at the time unique, but shortly afterward I had +learned to classify him as a type of the Californian adventurer with whose +peculiarities of manner, speech and disposition most of us are to-day +familiar enough. He never spoke of his past, having doubtless good reasons +for reticence, but any one learned in Western slang--a knowledge then +denied me--would have catalogued him with infallible accuracy. He was a +rather large, strong fellow, swarthy, black-bearded, black-eyed, +black-hearted and entertaining, no end; ignorant with an ignorance whose +frankness redeemed it from offensiveness, vulgar with a vulgarity that +expressed itself in such metaphors and similes as would have made its +peace with the most implacable refinement. He drank hard, gambled high, +swore like a parrot, scoffed at everything, was openly and proudly a +rascal, did not know the meaning of fear, borrowed money abundantly, and +squandered it with royal disregard. Desiring one day to go to Mobile, but +reluctant to leave Montgomery and its pleasures--unwilling to quit +certainty for hope--he persuaded the captain of a loaded steamboat to wait +four days for him at an expense of $400 a day; and lest time should hang +too heavy on the obliging skipper's hands, Jack permitted him to share the +orgies gratis. But that is not my story. + +One day Jack came to me with a rather more sinful proposal than he had +heretofore done me the honor to submit. He knew of about a thousand bales +of cotton, some of it private property, some of it confiscable, stored at +various points on the banks of the Alabama. He had a steamboat in +readiness, "with a gallant, gallant crew," and he proposed to drop quietly +down to the various landings by night, seize the cotton, load it on his +boat and make off down the river. What he wanted from me, and was willing +to pay for, was only my official signature to some blank shipping permits; +or if I would accompany the expedition and share its fortunes no papers +would be necessary. In declining this truly generous offer I felt that I +owed it to Jack to give him a reason that he was capable of understanding, +so I explained to him the arrangements at Mobile, which would prevent him +from transferring his cargo to a ship and getting the necessary papers +permitting her to sail. He was astonished and, I think, pained by my +simplicity. Did I think him a fool? He did not purpose--not he--to +tranship at all: the perfected plan was to dispense with all hampering +formality by slipping through Mobile Bay in the black of the night and +navigating his laden river craft across the Gulf to Havana! The rascal was +in dead earnest, and that natural timidity of disposition which compelled +me to withhold my coöperation greatly lowered me in his esteem, I fear. + +It was in Cuba, by the way, that Jack came to grief some years later. He +was one of the crew of the filibustering vessel _Virginius_, and was +captured and shot along with the others. Something in his demeanor as he +knelt in the line to receive the fatal fusillade prompted a priest to +inquire his religion. "I am an atheist, by God!" said Jack, and with this +quiet profession of faith that gentle spirit winged its way to other +tropics. + +Having expounded with some particularity the precarious tenure by which I +held my office and my life in those "thrilling regions" where my duties +lay, I ought to explain by what unhappy chance I am still able to afflict +the reader. There lived in Selma a certain once wealthy and still +influential citizen, whose two sons, of about my own age, had served as +officers in the Confederate Army. I will designate them simply as Charles +and Frank. They were types of a class now, I fear, almost extinct. Born +and bred in luxury and knowing nothing of the seamy side of life--except, +indeed, what they had learned in the war--well educated, brave, generous, +sensitive to points of honor, and of engaging manners, these brothers were +by all respected, by many loved and by some feared. For they had quick +fingers upon the pistol-trigger withal, and would rather fight a duel than +eat--nay, drink. Nor were they over-particular about the combat taking the +form of a duel--almost any form was good enough. I made their acquaintance +by chance and cultivated it for the pleasure it gave me. It was long +afterward that I gave a thought to its advantages; but from the time that +I became generally known as their friend my safety was assured through all +that region; an army with banners could not have given me the same +immunity from danger, obstruction or even insult in the performance of my +disagreeable duties. What glorious fellows they were, to be sure--these my +late antagonists of the dark days when, God forgive us, we were trying to +cut one another's throat. To this day I feel a sense of regret when I +think of my instrumentality, however small, in depriving the world of many +such men in the criminal insanity that we call battle. + +Life in Selma became worth living even as the chance of living it +augmented. With my new friends and a friend of theirs, whose name--the +more shame to me--I cannot now recall, but should not write here if I +could, I passed most of my leisure hours. At the houses of themselves and +their friends I did most of my dining; and, heaven be praised! there was +no necessity for moderation in wine. In their society I committed my sins, +and together beneath that noble orb unknown to colder skies, the Southern +moon, we atoned for them by acts of devotion performed with song and lute +beneath the shrine window of many a local divinity. + +One night we had an adventure. We were out late--so late that it was night +only astronomically. The streets were "deserted and drear," and, of +course, unlighted--the late Confederacy had no gas and no oil. +Nevertheless, we saw that we were followed. A man keeping at a fixed +distance behind turned as we turned, paused as we paused, and pursued as +we moved on. We stopped, went back and remonstrated; asked his intentions +in, I dare say, no gentle words. He gave us no reply, but as we left him +he followed. Again we stopped, and I felt my pistol plucked out of my +pocket. Frank had unceremoniously possessed himself of it and was +advancing on the enemy. I do not remember if I had any wish to interpose a +protest--anyhow there was no time. Frank fired and the man fell. In a +moment all the chamber-windows in the street were thrown open with a head +visible (and audible) in each. We told Frank to go home, which to our +surprise he did; the rest of us, assisted by somebody's private +policeman--who afterward apprised us that we were in arrest--carried the +man to a hotel. It was found that his leg was broken above the knee, and +the next day it was amputated. We paid his surgeon and his hotel bill, and +when he had sufficiently recovered sent him to an address which he gave us +in Mobile; but not a word could anybody get out of him as to who he had +the misfortune to be, or why he had persisted, against the light, in +following a quartet of stray revelers. + +On the morning of the shooting, when everything possible had been done for +the comfort of the victim, we three accomplices were released on our own +recognizance by an old gentleman of severe aspect, who had resumed his +function of justice of the peace where he had laid it down during the war. +I did not then know that he had no more legal authority than I had myself, +and I was somewhat disturbed in mind as I reflected on the possibilities +of the situation. The opportunity to get rid of an offensive Federal +official must of course be very tempting, and after all the shooting was a +trifle hasty and not altogether justifiable. + +On the day appointed for our preliminary examination, all of us except +Frank were released and put on the witness-stand. We gave a true and +congruent history of the affair. The holdover justice listened to it all +very patiently and then, with commendable brevity and directness of +action, fined Frank five dollars and costs for disorderly conduct. There +was no appeal. + +There were queer characters in Alabama in those days, as you shall see. +Once upon a time the special agent and I started down the Tombigbee River +with a steamboat load of government cotton--some six hundred bales. At one +of the military stations we took on a guard of a dozen or fifteen soldiers +under command of a non-commissioned officer. One evening, just before +dusk, as we were rounding a bend where the current set strongly against +the left bank of the stream and the channel lay close to that shore, we +were suddenly saluted with a volley of bullets and buckshot from that +direction. The din of the firing, the rattle and crash of the missiles +splintering the woodwork and the jingle of broken glass made a very rude +arousing from the tranquil indolence of a warm afternoon on the sluggish +Tombigbee. The left bank, which at this point was a trifle higher than the +hurricane deck of a steamer, was now swarming with men who, almost near +enough to jump aboard, looked unreasonably large and active as they sprang +about from cover to cover, pouring in their fire. At the first volley the +pilot had deserted his wheel, as well he might, and the boat, drifting in +to the bank under the boughs of a tree, was helpless. Her jackstaff and +yawl were carried away, her guards broken in, and her deck-load of cotton +was tumbling into the stream a dozen bales at once. The captain was +nowhere to be seen, the engineer had evidently abandoned his post and the +special agent had gone to hunt up the soldiers. I happened to be on the +hurricane deck, armed with a revolver, which I fired as rapidly as I +could, listening all the time for the fire of the soldiers--and listening +in vain. It transpired later that they had not a cartridge among them; and +of all helpless mortals a soldier without a cartridge is the most +imbecile. But all this time the continuous rattle of the enemy's guns and +the petulant pop of my own pocket firearm were punctuated, as it were, by +pretty regularly recurring loud explosions, as of a small cannon. They +came from somewhere forward--I supposed from the opposition, as I knew we +had no artillery on board. + +The failure of our military guard made the situation somewhat grave. For +two of us, at least, capture meant hanging out of hand. I had never been +hanged in all my life and was not enamored of the prospect. Fortunately +for us the bandits had selected their point of attack without military +foresight. Immediately below them a bayou, impassable to them, let into +the river. The moment we had drifted below it we were safe from boarding +and capture. The captain was found in hiding and an empty pistol at his +ear persuaded him to resume command of his vessel; the engineer and pilot +were encouraged to go back to their posts and after some remarkably long +minutes, during which we were under an increasingly long-range fire, we +got under way. A few cotton bales piled about the pilot-house made us +tolerably safe from that sort of thing in the future and then we took +account of our damages. Nobody had been killed and only a few were +wounded. This gratifying result was attributable to the fact that, being +unarmed, nearly everybody had dived below at the first fire and taken +cover among the cotton bales. While issuing a multitude of needless +commands from the front of the hurricane-deck I looked below, and there, +stretched out at full length on his stomach, lay a long, ungainly person, +clad in faded butternut, bare-headed, his long, lank hair falling down +each side of his neck, his coat-tails similarly parted, and his enormous +feet spreading their soles to the blue sky. He had an old-fashioned +horse-pistol, some two feet long, which he was in the act of sighting +across his left palm for a parting shot at the now distant assailants. A +more ludicrous figure I never saw; I laughed outright; but when his weapon +went off it was matter for gratitude to be above it instead of before it. +It was the "cannon" whose note I had marked all through the unequal fray. + +The fellow was a returned Confederate whom we had taken on at one of the +upper landings as our only passenger; we were dead-heading him to Mobile. +He was undoubtedly in hearty sympathy with the enemy, and I at first +suspected him of collusion, but circumstances not necessary to detail here +rendered this impossible. Moreover, I had distinctly seen one of the +"guerrillas" fall and remain down after my own weapon was empty, and no +man else on board except the passenger had fired a shot or had a shot to +fire. When everything had been made snug again, and we were gliding along +under the stars, without apprehension; when I had counted fifty-odd bullet +holes through the pilot-house (which had not received the attention that +by its prominence and importance it was justly entitled to) and everybody +was variously boasting his prowess, I approached my butternut +comrade-in-arms and thanked him for his kindly aid. "But," said I, "how +the devil does it happen that _you_ fight _that_ crowd?" + +"Wal, Cap," he drawled, as he rubbed the powder grime from his antique +artillery, "I allowed it was mouty clever in you-all to take me on, seein' +I hadn't ary cent, so I thought I'd jist kinder work my passage." + + +WORKING FOR AN EMPRESS + +In the spring of 1874 I was living in the pretty English town of +Leamington, a place that will be remembered by most Americans who have +visited the grave of Shakespeare at Stratford-on-Avon, or by personal +inspection of the ruins of Kenilworth Castle have verified their knowledge +of English history derived from Scott's incomparable romance. I was at +that time connected with several London newspapers, among them the +_Figaro_, a small weekly publication, semi-humorous, semi-theatrical, with +a remarkable aptitude for managing the political affairs of France in the +interest of the Imperialists. This last peculiarity it owed to the +personal sympathies of its editor and proprietor, Mr. James Mortimer, a +gentleman who for some twenty years before the overthrow of the Empire had +lived in Paris. Mr. Mortimer had been a personal friend of the Emperor and +Empress, and on the flight of the latter to England had rendered her +important service; and after the release of the Emperor from captivity +among the Germans Mr. Mortimer was a frequent visitor to the imperial +exiles at Chiselhurst. + +One day at Leamington my London mail brought a letter from Mr. Mortimer, +informing me that he intended to publish a new satirical journal, which he +wished me to write. I was to do all the writing, he the editing; and it +would not be necessary for me to come up to London; I could send +manuscript by mail. The new journal was not to appear at stated periods, +but "occasionally." Would I submit to him a list of suitable titles for +it, from which he could make a selection? + +With some surprise at what seemed to me the singularly whimsical and +unbusiness-like features of the enterprise I wrote him earnestly advising +him either to abandon it or materially to modify his plan. I represented +to him that such a journal, so conducted, could not in my judgment +succeed; but he was obdurate and after a good deal of correspondence I +consented to do all the writing if he was willing to do all the losing +money. I submitted a number of names which I thought suitable for the +paper, but all were rejected, and he finally wrote that he had decided to +call the new journal _The Lantern_. This decision elicited from me another +energetic protest. The title was not original, but obviously borrowed from +M. Rochefort's famous journal, _La Lanterne_. True, that publication was +dead, and its audacious editor deported to New Caledonia with his +Communistic following; but the name could hardly be agreeable to Mr. +Mortimer's Imperialist friends, particularly the Empress--the Emperor was +then dead. To my surprise Mr. Mortimer not only adhered to his resolution +but suggested the propriety of my taking M. Rochefort's late lamented +journal as a model for our own. This I flatly declined to do and carried +my point; I was delighted to promise, however, that the new paper should +resemble the old in one particular: it should be irritatingly +disrespectful of existing institutions and exalted personages. + +On the 18th of May, 1874, there was published at the corner of St. Bride +Street and Shoe Lane, E.C., London, the first number of "_The +Lantern_--Appearing Occasionally. Illuminated by Faustin. Price, +sixpence." It was a twelve-page paper with four pages of superb +illustrations in six colors. I winced when I contemplated its artistic and +mechanical excellence, for I knew at what a price that quality had been +obtained. A gold mine would be required to maintain that journal, and that +journal could by no means ever be itself a gold mine. A copy lies before +me as I write and noting it critically I cannot help thinking that the +illuminated title-page of this pioneer in the field of chromatic +journalism is the finest thing of the kind that ever came from a press. + +Of the literary contents I am less qualified for judgment, inasmuch as I +wrote every line in the paper. It may perhaps be said without immodesty +that the new "candidate for popular favor" was not distinguished by +servile flattery of the British character and meek subservience to the +British Government, as might perhaps be inferred from the following +extract from an article on General Sir Garnet Wolseley, who had just +received the thanks of his Sovereign and a munificent reward from +Parliament for his successful plundering expedition through Ashantee: + +"We feel a comfortable sense of satisfaction in the thought that _The +Lantern_ will never fail to shed the light of its loyal approval upon any +unworthy act by which our country shall secure an adequate and permanent +advantage. When the great heart of England is stirred by quick cupidity to +profitable crime, far be it from us to lift our palms in deprecation. In +the wrangle for existence nations, equally with individuals, work by +diverse means to a common end--the spoiling of the weak; and when by +whatever of outrage we have pushed a feeble competitor to the wall, in +Heaven's name let us pin him fast and relieve his pockets of the material +good to which, in bestowing it upon him, the bountiful Lord has invited +our thieving hand. But these Ashantee women were not worth garroting. +Their fal-lals, precious to them, are worthless to us; the entire loot +fetched only £11,000--of which sum the man who brought home the trinkets +took a little more than four halves. We submit that with practiced agents +in every corner of the world and a watchful government at home this great +commercial nation might dispose of its honor to better advantage." + +With the candor of repentance it may now be confessed that, however +unscrupulous it may be abroad, a government which tolerates this kind of +criticism cannot rightly be charged with tyranny at home. + +By way (as I supposed) of gratitude to M. Rochefort for the use of the +title of his defunct journal it had been suggested by Mr. Mortimer that he +be given a little wholesome admonition here and there in the paper and I +had cheerfully complied. M. Rochefort had escaped from New Caledonia some +months before. A disagreeable cartoon was devised for his discomfort and +he received a number of such delicate attentions as that following, which +in the issue of July 15th greeted him on his arrival in England along with +his distinguished compatriot, M. Pascal Grousset: + +"M. Rochefort is a gentleman who has lost his standing. There have been +greater falls than his. Kings before now have become servitors, honest men +bandits, thieves communists. Insignificant in his fortunes as in his +abilities, M. Rochefort, who was never very high, is not now very low--he +has avoided the falsehood of extremes: never quite a count, he is now but +half a convict. Having missed the eminence that would have given him +calumniation, he is also denied the obscurity that would bring +misconstruction. He is not even a _miserable_; he is a person. It is +curious to note how persistently this man has perverted his gifts. With +talents that might have corrupted panegyric, he preferred to refine +detraction; fitted to disgrace the _salon_, he has elected to adorn the +cell; the qualities that would have endeared him to a blackguard he has +wasted upon Pascal Grousset. + +"As we write, it is reported that this person is in England. It is further +affirmed that it is his intention to proceed to Belgium or Switzerland to +fight certain journalists who have not had the courtesy to suppress the +truth about him, though he never told it of them. We presume, however, +this rumor is false; M. Rochefort must retain enough of the knowledge he +acquired when he was esteemed a gentleman to be aware that a meeting +between him and a journalist is now impossible. This is the more to be +regretted, because M. Paul de Cassagnac would have much pleasure in taking +M. Rochefort's life and we in lamenting his fall. + +"M. Rochefort, we believe, is already suffering from an unhealed wound. It +is his mouth." + +There was a good deal of such "scurril jesting" in the paper, especially +in a department called "Prattle." There were verses on all manner of +subjects--mostly the nobility and their works and ways, from the viewpoint +of disapproval--and epigrams, generally ill-humorous, like the following, +headed "_Novum Organum_": + + "In Bacon see the culminating prime + Of British intellect and British crime. + He died, and Nature, settling his affairs, + Parted his powers among us, his heirs: + To each a pinch of common-sense, for seed, + And, to develop it, a pinch of greed. + Each frugal heir, to make the gift suffice, + Buries the talent to manure the vice." + +When the first issue of _The Lantern_ appeared I wrote to Mr. Mortimer, +again urging him to modify his plans and alter the character of the +journal. He replied that it suited him as it was and he would let me know +when to prepare "copy" for the second number. That eventually appeared on +July 15th. I never was instructed to prepare any more copy, and there has +been, I believe, no further issue of that interesting sheet as yet. + +Taking a retrospective view of this singular venture in journalism, one +day, the explanation of the whole matter came to my understanding in the +light of a revelation, and was confirmed later by Mr. Mortimer. + +In the days when Napoleon III was at the zenith of his glory and power +there was a thorn in his side. It was the pen of M. Henri Rochefort, le +Comte de Luçay, journalist and communard. Despite fines, "suppressions," +and imprisonments, this gifted writer and unscrupulous blackguard had, as +every one knows, made incessant war upon the Empire and all its +_personnel_. The bitter and unfair attacks of his paper, _La Lanterne_, +made life at the Tuilleries exceedingly uncomfortable. His rancor against +the Empress was something horrible, and went to the length of denying the +legitimacy of the Prince Imperial. His existence was a menace and a terror +to the illustrious lady, even when she was in exile at Chiselhurst and he +in confinement on the distant island of New Caledonia. When the news of +his escape from that penal colony arrived at Chiselhurst the widowed +Empress was in despair; and when, on his way to England, he announced his +intention of reviving _La Lanterne_ in London (of course he dared not +cross the borders of France) she was utterly prostrated by the fear of his +pitiless animosity. But what could she do? Not prevent the revival of his +dreadful newspaper, certainly, but--well, she could send for Mr. Mortimer. +That ingenious gentleman was not long at a loss for an expedient that +would accomplish what was possible. He shut Rochefort out of London by +forestalling him. At the very time when Mortimer was asking me to suggest +a suitable name for the new satirical journal he had already registered at +Stationers' Hall--that is to say, copyrighted--the title of _The Lantern_, +a precaution which M. Rochefort's French friends had neglected to take, +although they had expended thousands of pounds in a plant for their +venture. Mr. Mortimer cruelly permitted them to go on with their costly +preparations, and the first intimation they had that the field was +occupied came from the newsdealers selling _The Lantern_. After some +futile attempts at relief and redress, M. Rochefort took himself off and +set up his paper in Belgium. + +The expenses of _The Lantern_--including a generous _douceur_ to +myself--were all defrayed by the Empress. She was the sole owner of it +and, I was gratified to learn, took so lively an interest in her venture +that a special French edition was printed for her private reading. I was +told that she especially enjoyed the articles on M. le Comte de Luçay, +though I dare say some of the delicate subtleties of their literary style +were lost in translation. + +Being in London later in the year, I received through Mortimer an +invitation to visit the poor lady, _en famille_, at Chiselhurst; but as +the iron rules of imperial etiquette, even in exile, required that the +hospitable request be made in the form of a "command," my republican +independence took alarm and I had the incivility to disobey; and I still +think it a sufficient distinction to be probably the only American +journalist who was ever employed by an Empress in so congenial a pursuit +as the pursuit of another journalist. + + +ACROSS THE PLAINS + +That noted pioneer, General John Bidwell, of California, once made a +longish step up the western slope of our American Parnassus by an account +of his journey "across the plains" seven years before the lamented Mr. +Marshall had found the least and worst of all possible reasons for making +the "trek." General Bidwell had not the distinction to be a great writer, +but in order to command admiration and respect in that province of the +Republic of Letters which lies in the Sacramento Valley above the mouth of +the Yuba the gift of writing greatly is a needless endowment. Nevertheless +I read his narrative with an interest which on analysis turns out to be a +by-product of personal experience: among my youthful indiscretions was a +journey over much of the same ground, which I took in much the same +way--as did many thousands before and after. + +It was a far cry from 1841 to 1866, yet the country between the Missouri +River and the Sierra Nevada had not greatly improved: civilization had +halted at the river, awaiting transportation. A railroad had set out from +Omaha westward, and another at Sacramento was solemnly considering the +impossible suggestion of going eastward to meet it. There were lunatics in +those days, as there are in these. I left the one road a few miles out of +the Nebraskan village and met the other at Dutch Flat, in California. + +Waste no compassion on the loneliness of my journey: a thriving colony of +Mormons had planted itself in the valley of Salt Lake and there were +"forts" at a few points along the way, where ambitious young army officers +passed the best years of their lives guarding live stock and teaching the +mysteries of Hardee's tactics to that alien patriot, the American regular. +There was a dusty wagon road, bordered with bones--not always those of +animals--with an occasional mound, sometimes dignified with a warped and +rotting head-board bearing an illegible inscription. (One inscription not +entirely illegible is said to have concluded with this touching tribute to +the worth of the departed: "He was a good egg." Another was: "He done his +damnedest") In other particulars the "Great American Desert" of our +fathers was very like what it was when General Bidwell's party traversed +it with that hereditary instinct, that delicacy of spiritual nose which +served the Western man of that day in place of a map and guide-book. +Westward the course of empire had taken its way, but excepting these poor +vestiges it had for some fifteen hundred miles left no trace of its march. +The Indian of the plains had as yet seen little to unsettle his assurance +of everlasting dominion. Of the slender lines of metal creeping slowly +toward him from East and West he knew little; and had he known more, how +could he have foreseen their momentous effect upon his "ancient solitary +reign"? + +I remember very well, as so many must, some of the marked features of the +route that General Bidwell mentions. One of the most imposing of these is +Court House Rock, near the North Platte. Surely no object of such dignity +ever had a more belittling name--given it in good faith no doubt by some +untraveled wight whose county court-house was the most "reverend pile" of +which he had any conception. It should have been called the Titan's +Castle. What a gracious memory I have of the pomp and splendor of its +aspect, with the crimson glories of the setting sun fringing its outlines, +illuminating its western walls like the glow of Mammon's fires for the +witches' revel in the Hartz, and flung like banners from its crest! + +I suppose Court House Rock is familiar enough and commonplace enough to +the dwellers in that land (riparian tribes once infesting the low lands of +Ohio and Indiana and the flats of Iowa), but to me, tipsy with youth, +full-fed on Mayne Reid's romances, and now first entering the enchanted +region that he so charmingly lied about, it was a revelation and a dream. +I wish that anything in the heavens, on the earth, or in the waters under +the earth would give me now such an emotion as I experienced in the shadow +of that "great rock in a weary land." + +I was not a pilgrim, but an engineer _attaché_ to an expedition through +Dakota and Montana, to inspect some new military posts. The expedition +consisted, where the Indians preserved the peace, of the late General W.B. +Hazen, myself, a cook and a teamster; elsewhere we had an escort of +cavalry. My duty, as I was given to understand it, was to amuse the +general and other large game, make myself as comfortable as possible +without too much discomfort to others, and when in an unknown country +survey and map our route for the benefit of those who might come after. +The posts which the general was to inspect had recently been established +along a military road, one end of which was at the North Platte and the +other--there was no other end; up about Fort C.F. Smith at the foot of the +Big-Horn Mountains the road became a buffalo trail and was lost in the +weeds. But it was a useful road, for by leaving it before going too far +one could reach a place near the headwaters of the Yellowstone, where the +National Park is now. + +By a master stroke of military humor we were ordered to return (to +Washington) via Salt Lake City, San Francisco and Panama. I obeyed until I +got as far as San Francisco, where, finding myself appointed to a second +lieutenancy in the Regular Army, ingratitude, more strong than traitors' +arms, quite vanquished me: I resigned, parted from Hazen more in sorrow +than in anger and remained in California. + +I have thought since that this may have been a youthful error: the +Government probably meant no harm, and if I had served long enough I might +have become a captain. In time, if I lived, I should naturally have become +the senior captain of the Army; and then if there were another war and any +of the field officers did me the favor to paunch a bullet I should become +the junior major, certain of another step upward as soon as a number of my +superiors equal to the whole number of majors should be killed, resign or +die of old age--enchanting prospect! But I am getting a long way off the +trail. + +It was near Fort C.F. Smith that we found our first buffaloes, and +abundant they were. We had to guard our camp at night with fire and sword +to keep them from biting us as they grazed. Actually one of them +half-scalped a teamster as he lay dreaming of home with his long fair hair +commingled with the toothsome grass. His utterances as the well-meaning +beast lifted him from the ground and tried to shake the earth from his +roots were neither wise nor sweet, but they made a profound impression on +the herd, which, arching its multitude of tails, absented itself to +pastures new like an army with banners. + +At Fort C.F. Smith we parted with our _impedimenta_, and with an escort of +about two dozen cavalrymen and a few pack animals struck out on horseback +through an unexplored country northwest for old Fort Benton, on the upper +Missouri. The journey was not without its perils. Our only guide was my +compass; we knew nothing of the natural obstacles that we must encounter; +the Indians were on the warpath, and our course led us through the very +heart of their country. Luckily for us they were gathering their clans +into one great army for a descent upon the posts that we had left behind; +a little later some three thousand of them moved upon Fort Phil Kearney, +lured a force of ninety men and officers outside and slaughtered them to +the last man. This was one of the posts that we had inspected, and the +officers killed had hospitably entertained us. + +In that lively and interesting book, "Indian Fights and Fighters," Dr. +Cyrus Townsend Brady says of this "outpost of civilization": + +"The most careful watchfulness was necessary at all hours of the day and +night. The wood trains to fetch logs to the sawmills were heavily guarded. +There was fighting all the time. Casualties among the men were by no means +rare. At first it was difficult to keep men within the limits of the camp; +but stragglers who failed to return, and some who had been cut off, +scalped and left for dead, but who had crawled back to die, convinced +every one of the wisdom of the commanding officer's repeated orders and +cautions. To chronicle the constant succession of petty skirmishes would +be wearisome; yet they often resulted in torture and loss of life on the +part of the soldiers, although the Indians in most instances suffered the +more severely." + +In a footnote the author relates this characteristic instance of the +Government's inability to understand: "Just when the alarms were most +frequent a messenger came to the headquarters, announcing that a train _en +route_ from Fort Laramie, with special messengers from that post, was +corraled by Indians, and demanded immediate help. An entire company of +infantry in wagons, with a mountain howitzer and several rounds of +grapeshot, was hastened to their relief. It proved to be a train with mail +from the Laramie Commission, announcing the confirmation of a +'satisfactory treaty of peace with all the Indians of the Northwest,' and +assuring the district commander of the fact. The messenger was brought in +in safety, and _peace_ lasted until his message was delivered. So much was +gained--that the messenger did not lose his scalp." + +Through this interesting environment our expeditionary force of four men +had moved to the relief of the beleaguered post, but finding it impossible +to "raise the siege" had--with a score of troopers--pushed on to Fort C.F. +Smith, and thence into the Unknown. + +The first part of this new journey was well enough; there were game and +water. Where we swam the Yellowstone we had an abundance of both, for the +entire river valley, two or three miles wide, was dotted with elk. There +were hundreds. As we advanced they became scarce; buffalo became scarce; +bear, deer, rabbits, sage-hens, even prairie dogs gave out, and we were +near starving. Water gave out too, and starvation was a welcome state: our +hunger was so much less disagreeable than our thirst that it was a real +treat. + +However, we got to Benton, Heaven knows how and why, but we were a +sorry-looking lot, though our scalps were intact. If in all that region +there is a mountain that I have not climbed, a river that I have not swum, +an alkali pool that I have not thrust my muzzle into, or an Indian that I +have not shuddered to think about, I am ready to go back in a Pullman +sleeper and do my duty. + +From Fort Benton we came down through Helena and Virginia City, +Montana--then new mining camps--to Salt Lake, thence westward to +California. Our last bivouac was on the old camp of the Donner party, +where, in the flickering lights and dancing shadows made by our camp-fire, +I first heard the story of that awful winter, and in the fragrance of the +meat upon the coals fancied I could detect something significantly +uncanny. The meat which the Donner party had cooked at that spot was not +quite like ours. Pardon: I mean it was not like that which we cooked. + + +THE MIRAGE + +Since the overland railways have long been carrying many thousands of +persons across the elevated plateaus of the continent the mirage in many +of its customary aspects has become pretty well known to great numbers of +persons all over the Union, and the tales of early observers who came "der +blains agross" are received with a less frigid inhospitality than they +formerly were by incredulous pioneers who had come "der Horn aroundt," as +the illustrious Hans Breitmann phrases it; but in its rarer and more +marvelous manifestations, the mirage is still a rock upon which many a +reputation for veracity is wrecked remediless. With an ambition intrepidly +to brave this disaster, and possibly share it with the hundreds of devoted +souls whose disregard of the injunction never to tell an incredible truth +has branded them as hardy and impenitent liars, I purpose to note here a +few of the more remarkable illusions by which my own sense of sight has +been befooled by the freaks of the enchanter. + +It is apart from my purpose to explain the mirage scientifically, and not +altogether in my power. Every schoolboy can do so, I suppose, to the +satisfaction of his teacher if the teacher has not himself seen the +phenomenon, or has seen it only in the broken, feeble and evanescent +phases familiar to the overland passenger; but for my part I am unable to +understand how the simple causes affirmed in the text-books sufficiently +account for the infinite variety and complexity of some of the effects +said to be produced by them. But of this the reader shall judge for +himself. + +One summer morning in the upper North Platte country I rose from my +blankets, performed the pious acts of sun-worship by yawning toward the +east, kicked together the parted embers of my camp-fire, and bethought me +of water for my ablutions. We had gone into bivouac late in the night on +the open plain, and without any clear notion of where we were. There were +a half-dozen of us, our chief on a tour of inspection of the new military +posts in Wyoming. I accompanied the expedition as surveyor. Having an +aspiration for water I naturally looked about to see what might be the +prospect of obtaining it, and to my surprise and delight saw a long line +of willows, apparently some three hundred yards away. Willows implied +water, and snatching up a camp-kettle I started forward without taking the +trouble to put on my coat and hat. For the first mile or two I preserved a +certain cheerful hopefulness; but when the sun had risen farther toward +the meridian and began to affect my bare head most uncomfortably, and the +picketed horses at the camp were hull down on the horizon in the rear, and +the willows in front increased their pace out of all proportion to mine, I +began to grow discouraged and sat down on a stone to wish myself back. +Perceiving that the willows also had halted for breath I determined to +make a dash at them, leaving the camp-kettle behind to make its way back +to camp as best it could. I was now traveling "flying light," and had no +doubt of my ability to overtake the enemy, which had, however, disappeared +over the crest of a low sandhill. Ascending this I was treated to a +surprise. Right ahead of me lay a barren waste of sand extending to the +right and left as far as I could see. Its width in the direction that I +was going I judged to be about twenty miles. On its farther border the +cactus plain began again, sloping gradually upward to the horizon, along +which was a fringe of cedar trees--the willows of my vision! In that +country a cedar will not grow within thirty miles of water if it knows it. + +On my return journey I coldly ignored the appeals of the camp-kettle, and +when I met the rescuing party which had been for some hours trailing me +made no allusion to the real purpose of my excursion. When the chief asked +if I purposed to enter a plea of temporary insanity I replied that I would +reserve my defense for the present; and in fact I never did disclose it +until now. + +I had afterward the satisfaction of seeing the chief, an experienced +plainsman, consume a full hour, rifle in hand, working round to the +leeward of a dead coyote in the sure and certain hope of bagging a +sleeping buffalo. Mirage or no mirage, you must not too implicitly trust +your eyes in the fantastic atmosphere of the high plains. + +I remember that one forenoon I looked forward to the base of the Big Horn +Mountains and selected a most engaging nook for the night's camp. My good +opinion of it was confirmed when we reached it three days later. The +deception in this instance was due to nothing but the marvelous lucidity +of the atmosphere and the absence of objects of known dimensions, and +these sources of error are sometimes sufficient of themselves to produce +the most incredible illusions. When they are in alliance with the mirage +the combination's pranks are bewildering. + +One of the most grotesque and least comfortable of my experiences with the +magicians of the air occurred near the forks of the Platte. There had been +a tremendous thunder-storm, lasting all night. In the morning my party set +forward over the soaken prairie under a cloudless sky intensely blue. I +was riding in advance, absorbed in thought, when I was suddenly roused to +a sense of material things by exclamations of astonishment and +apprehension from the men behind. Looking forward, I beheld a truly +terrifying spectacle. Immediately in front, at a distance, apparently, of +not more than a quarter-mile, was a long line of the most formidable +looking monsters that the imagination ever conceived. They were taller +than trees. In them the elements of nature seemed so fantastically and +discordantly confused and blended, compounded, too, with architectural and +mechanical details, that they partook of the triple character of animals, +houses and machines. Legs they had, that an army of elephants could have +marched among; bodies that ships might have sailed beneath; heads about +which eagles might have delighted to soar, and ears--they were singularly +well gifted with ears. But wheels also they were endowed with, and vast +sides of blank wall; the wheels as large as the ring of a circus, the +walls white and high as cliffs of chalk along an English coast. Among +them, on them, beneath, in and a part of them, were figures and fragments +of figures of gigantic men. All were inextricably interblended and +superposed--a man's head and shoulders blazoned on the side of an animal; +a wheel with legs for spokes rolling along the creature's back; a vast +section of wall, having no contact with the earth, but (with a tail +hanging from its rear, like a note of admiration) moving along the line, +obscuring here an anatomical horror and disclosing there a mechanical +nightmare. In short, this appalling procession, which was crossing our +road with astonishing rapidity, seemed made up of unassigned and +unassorted units, out of which some imaginative god might be about to +create a world of giants, ready supplied with some of the appliances of a +high civilization. Yet the whole apparition had so shadowy and spectral a +look that the terror it inspired was itself vague and indefinite, like the +terror of a dream. It affected our horses as well as ourselves; they +extended their necks and threw forward their ears. For some moments we sat +in our saddles surveying the hideous and extravagant spectacle without a +word, and our tongues were loosened only when it began rapidly to diminish +and recede, and at last was resolved into a train of mules and wagons, +barely visible on the horizon. They were miles away and outlined against +the blue sky. + +I then remembered what my astonishment had not permitted me closely to +note--that this pageant had appeared to move along parallel to the foot of +a slope extending upward and backward to an immense height, intersected +with rivers and presenting all the features of a prairie landscape. The +mirage had in effect contracted the entire space between us and the train +to a pistol-shot in breadth, and had made a background for its horrible +picture by lifting into view Heaven knows how great an extent of country +below our horizon. Does refraction account for all this? To this day I +cannot without vexation remember the childish astonishment that prevented +me from observing the really interesting features of the spectacle and +kept my eyes fixed with a foolish distension on a lot of distorted mules, +teamsters and wagons. + +One of the commonest and best known tricks of the mirage is that of +overlaying a dry landscape with ponds and lakes, and by a truly +interesting and appropriate coincidence one or more travelers perishing of +thirst seem always to be present, properly to appreciate the humor of the +deception; but when a gentleman whose narrative suggested this article +averred that he had seen these illusory lakes navigated by phantom boats +filled with visionary persons he was, I daresay, thought to be drawing the +long bow, even by many miragists in good standing. For aught I know he may +have been. I can only attest the entirely credible character of the +statement. + +Away up at the headwaters of the Missouri, near the British possessions, I +found myself one afternoon rather unexpectedly on the shore of an ocean. +At less than a gunshot from where I stood was as plainly defined a +seabeach as one could wish to see. The eye could follow it in either +direction, with all its bays, inlets and promontories, to the horizon. The +sea was studded with islands, and these with tall trees of many kinds, +both islands and trees being reflected in the water with absolute +fidelity. On many of the islands were houses, showing white beneath the +trees, and on one which lay farthest out seaward was a considerable city, +with towers, domes and clusters of steeples. There were ships in the +offing whose sails glistened in the sunlight and, closer in, several boats +of novel but graceful design, crowded with human figures, moved smoothly +among the lesser islands, impelled by some power invisible from my point +of view, each boat attended by its inverted reflection "crowding up +beneath the keel." It must be admitted that the voyagers were habited +after a somewhat uncommon fashion--almost unearthly, I may say--and were +so grouped that at my distance I could not clearly distinguish their +individual limbs and attitudes. Their features were, of course, entirely +invisible. None the less, they were plainly human beings--what other +creatures would be boating? Of the other features of the scene--the coast, +islands, trees, houses, city and ships hull-down in the offing--I +distinctly affirm an absolute identity of visible aspect with those to +which we are accustomed in the realm of reality; imagination had simply +nothing to do with the matter. True, I had not recently had the advantage +of seeing any such objects, except trees, and these had been mighty poor +specimens, but, like Macduff, I "could not but remember such things were," +nor had I forgotten how they looked. + +Of course I was not for an instant deceived by all this: I knew that under +it all lay a particularly forbidding and inhospitable expanse of sagebrush +and cactus, peopled with nothing more nearly akin to me than prairie dogs, +ground owls and jackass rabbits--that with these exceptions the desert was +as desolate as the environment of Ozymandias' "vast and trunkless legs of +stone." But as a show it was surely the most enchanting that human eyes +had ever looked on, and after more years than I care to count it remains +one of memory's most precious possessions. The one thing which always +somewhat impairs the illusion in such instances--the absence of the +horizon water-line--did not greatly abate the _vraisemblance_ in this, for +the large island in the distance nearly closed the view seaward, and the +ships occupied most of the remaining space. I had but to fancy a slight +haze on the farther water, and all was right and regular. For more than a +half-hour this charming picture remained intact; then ugly patches of +plain began to show through, the islands with their palms and temples +slowly dissolved, the boats foundered with every soul on board, the sea +drifted over the headlands in a most unwaterlike way, and inside the hour +since, + + like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes + He stared at the Pacific, and all his men + Looked at each other with a wild surmise, + Silent upon a peak in Darien, + +I had discovered this unknown sea all this insubstantial pageant had faded +like the baseless fabric of the vision that it was and left not a rack +behind. + +In some of its minor manifestations the mirage is sometimes seen on the +western coast of our continent, in the bay of San Francisco, for example, +causing no small surprise to the untraveled and unread observer, and no +small pain to the spirits of purer fire who are fated to be caught within +earshot and hear him pronounce it a "mirridge." I have seen Goat Island +without visible means of support and Red Rock suspended in mid-air like +the coffin of the Prophet. Looking up toward Mare Island one most +ungracious morning when a barbarous norther had purged the air of every +stain and the human soul of every virtue, I saw San Pablo Bay margined +with cliffs whose altitude must have exceeded considerably that from whose +dizzy verge old eyeless Gloster, falling in a heap at his own feet, +supposed himself to have sailed like a stone. + +One more instance and "I've done, i' faith." Gliding along down the Hudson +River one hot summer afternoon in a steamboat, I went out on the +afterguard for a breath of fresh air, but there was none to be had. The +surface of the river was like oil and the steamer's hull slipped through +it with surprisingly little disturbance. Her tremor was for once hardly +perceptible; the beating of her paddles was subdued to an almost inaudible +rhythm. The air seemed what we call "hollow" and had apparently hardly +enough tenuity to convey sounds. Everywhere on the surface of the glassy +stream were visible undulations of heat, and the light steam of +evaporation lay along the sluggish water and hung like a veil between the +eye and the bank. Seated in an armchair and overcome by the heat and the +droning of some prosy passengers near by, I fell asleep. When I awoke the +guards were crowded with passengers in a high state of excitement, +pointing and craning shoreward. Looking in the same direction I saw, +through the haze, the sharp outlines of a city in gray silhouette. Roofs, +spires, pinnacles, chimneys, angles of wall--all were there, cleanly cut +out against the air. + +"What is it?" I cried, springing to my feet. + +"That, sir," replied a passenger stolidly, "is Poughkeepsie." + +It was. + + +A SOLE SURVIVOR + +Among the arts and sciences, the art of Sole Surviving is one of the most +interesting, as (to the artist) it is by far the most important. It is not +altogether an art, perhaps, for success in it is largely due to accident. +One may study how solely to survive, yet, having an imperfect natural +aptitude, may fail of proficiency and be early cut off. To the contrary, +one little skilled in its methods, and not even well grounded in its +fundamental principles, may, by taking the trouble to have been born with +a suitable constitution, attain to a considerable eminence in the art. +Without undue immodesty, I think I may fairly claim some distinction in it +myself, although I have not regularly acquired it as one acquires +knowledge and skill in writing, painting and playing the flute. O yes, I +am a notable Sole Survivor, and some of my work in that way attracts great +attention, mostly my own. + +You would naturally expect, then, to find in me one who has experienced +all manner of disaster at sea and the several kinds of calamity incident +to a life on dry land. It would seem a just inference from my Sole +Survivorship that I am familiar with railroad wrecks, inundations (though +these are hardly dry-land phenomena), pestilences, earthquakes, +conflagrations and other forms of what the reporters delight to call "a +holocaust." This is not entirely true; I have never been shipwrecked, +never assisted as "unfortunate sufferer" at a fire or railway collision, +and know of the ravages of epidemics only by hearsay. The most destructive +_temblor_ of which I have had a personal experience decreased the +population of San Francisco by fewer, probably, than ten thousand persons, +of whom not more than a dozen were killed; the others moved out of town. +It is true that I once followed the perilous trade of a soldier, but my +eminence in Sole Surviving is of a later growth and not specially the +product of the sword. + +Opening the portfolio of memory, I draw out picture after +picture--"figure-pieces"--groups of forms and faces whereof mine only now +remains, somewhat the worse for wear. + +Here are three young men lolling at ease on a grassy bank. One, a +handsome, dark-eyed chap, with a forehead like that of a Grecian god, +raises his body on his elbow, looks straight away to the horizon, where +some black trees hold captive certain vestiges of sunset as if they had +torn away the plumage of a flight of flamingoes, and says: "Fellows, I +mean to be rich. I shall see every country worth seeing. I shall taste +every pleasure worth having. When old, I shall become a hermit." + +Said another slender youth, fair-haired: "I shall become President and +execute a _coup d'etat_ making myself an absolute monarch. I shall then +issue a decree requiring that all hermits be put to death." + +The third said nothing. Was he restrained by some prescient sense of the +perishable nature of the material upon which he was expected to inscribe +the record of his hopes? However it may have been, he flicked his shoe +with a hazel switch and kept his own counsel. For twenty years he has been +the Sole Survivor of the group. + + * * * * * + +The scene changes. Six men are on horseback on a hill--a general and his +staff. Below, in the gray fog of a winter morning, an army, which has left +its intrenchments, is moving upon those of the enemy--creeping silently +into position. In an hour the whole wide valley for miles to left and +right will be all aroar with musketry stricken to seeming silence now and +again by thunder claps of big guns. In the meantime the risen sun has +burned a way through the fog, splendoring a part of the beleaguered city. + +"Look at that, General," says an aide; "it is like enchantment." + +"Go and enchant Colonel Post," said the general, without taking his +field-glass from his eyes, "and tell him to pitch in as soon as he hears +Smith's guns." + +All laughed. But to-day I laugh alone. I am the Sole Survivor. + + * * * * * + +It would be easy to fill many pages with instances of Sole Survival, from +my own experience. I could mention extinct groups composed wholly (myself +excepted) of the opposing sex, all of whom, with the same exception, have +long ceased their opposition, their warfare accomplished, their pretty +noses blue and chill under the daisies. They were good girls, too, mostly, +Heaven rest them! There were Maud and Lizzie and Nanette (ah, Nanette, +indeed; she is the deadest of the whole bright band) and Emeline and--but +really this is not discreet; one should not survive and tell. + +The flame of a camp-fire stands up tall and straight toward the black sky. +We feed it constantly with sage brush. A circling wall of darkness closes +us in; but turn your back to the fire and walk a little away and you shall +see the serrated summit-line of snow-capped mountains, ghastly cold in the +moonlight. They are in all directions; everywhere they efface the great +gold stars near the horizon, leaving the little green ones of the +mid-heaven trembling viciously, as bleak as steel. At irregular intervals +we hear the distant howling of a wolf--now on this side and again on that. +We check our talk to listen; we cast quick glances toward our weapons, our +saddles, our picketed horses: the wolves may be of the variety known as +Sioux, and there are but four of us. + +"What would you do, Jim," said Hazen, "if we were surrounded by Indians?" + +Jim Beckwourth was our guide--a life-long frontiersman, an old man "beated +and chopped with tanned antiquity." He had at one time been a chief of the +Crows. + +"I'd spit on that fire," said Jim Beckwourth. + +The old man has gone, I hope, where there is no fire to be quenched. And +Hazen, and the chap with whom I shared my blanket that winter night on the +plains--both gone. One might suppose that I would feel something of the +natural exultation of a Sole Survivor; but as Byron found that + + our thoughts take wildest flight + Even at the moment when they should array + Themselves in pensive order, + +so I find that they sometimes array themselves in pensive order, even at +the moment when they ought to be most hilarious. + + * * * * * + +Of reminiscences there is no end. I have a vast store of them laid up, +wherewith to wile away the tedious years of my anecdotage--whenever it +shall please Heaven to make me old. Some years that I passed in London as +a working journalist are particularly rich in them. Ah! "we were a gallant +company" in those days. + +I am told that the English are heavy thinkers and dull talkers. My +recollection is different; speaking from that, I should say they are no +end clever with their tongues. Certainly I have not elsewhere heard such +brilliant talk as among the artists and writers of London. Of course they +were a picked lot; some of them had attained to some eminence in the world +of intellect; others have achieved it since. But they were not all English +by many. London draws the best brains of Ireland and Scotland, and there +is always a small American contingent, mostly correspondents of the big +New York journals. + +The typical London journalist is a gentleman. He is usually a graduate of +one or the other of the great universities. He is well paid and holds his +position, whatever it may be, by a less precarious tenure than his +American congener. He rather moves than "dabbles" in literature, and not +uncommonly takes a hand at some of the many forms of art. On the whole, he +is a good fellow, too, with a skeptical mind, a cynical tongue, and a warm +heart. I found these men agreeable, hospitable, intelligent, amusing. We +worked too hard, dined too well, frequented too many clubs, and went to +bed too late in the forenoon. We were overmuch addicted to shedding the +blood of the grape. In short, we diligently, conscientiously, and with a +perverse satisfaction burned the candle of life at both ends and in the +middle. + +This was many a year ago. To-day a list of these men's names with a cross +against that of each one whom I know to be dead would look like a Roman +Catholic cemetery. I could dine all the survivors at the table on which I +write, and I should like to do so. But the dead ones, I must say, were the +best diners. + +But about Sole Surviving. There was a London publisher named John Camden +Hotten. Among American writers he had a pretty dark reputation as a +"pirate." They accused him of republishing their books without their +assent, which, in absence of international copyright, he had a legal, and +it seems to me (a "sufferer") a moral right to do. Through sympathy with +their foreign confrères British writers also held him in high disesteem. + +I knew Hotten very well, and one day I stood by what purported to be his +body, which afterward I assisted to bury in the cemetery at Highgate. I am +sure that it was his body, for I was uncommonly careful in the matter of +identification, for a very good reason, which you shall know. + +Aside from his "piracy," Hotten had a wide renown as "a hard man to deal +with." For several months before his death he had owed me one hundred +pounds sterling, and he could not possibly have been more reluctant to +part with anything but a larger sum. Even to this day in reviewing the +intelligent methods--ranging from delicate finesse to frank effrontery--by +which that good man kept me out of mine own I am prostrated with +admiration and consumed with envy. Finally by a lucky chance I got him at +a disadvantage and seeing my power he sent his manager--a fellow named +Chatto, who as a member of the firm of Chatto & Windus afterward succeeded +to his business and methods--to negotiate. I was the most implacable +creditor in the United Kingdom, and after two mortal hours of me in my +most acidulated mood Chatto pulled out a check for the full amount, ready +signed by Hotten in anticipation of defeat. Before handing it to me Chatto +said: "This check is dated next Saturday. Of course you will not present +it until then." + +To this I cheerfully consented. + +"And now," said Chatto, rising to go, "as everything is satisfactory I +hope you will go out to Hotten's house and have a friendly talk. It is his +wish." + +On Saturday morning I went. In pursuance, doubtless, of his design when he +antedated that check he had died of a pork pie promptly on the stroke of +twelve o'clock the night before--which invalidated the check! I have met +American publishers who thought they knew something about the business of +drinking champagne out of writers' skulls. If this narrative--which, upon +my soul, is every word true--teaches them humility by showing that genuine +commercial sagacity is not bounded by geographical lines it will have +served its purpose. + +Having assured myself that Mr. Hotten was really no more, I drove +furiously bank-ward, hoping that the sad tidings had not preceded me--and +they had not. + +Alas! on the route was a certain tap-room greatly frequented by authors, +artists, newspaper men and "gentlemen of wit and pleasure about town." + +Sitting about the customary table were a half-dozen or more choice +spirits--George Augustus Sala, Henry Sampson, Tom Hood the younger, +Captain Mayne Reid, and others less known to fame. I am sorry to say my +somber news affected these sinners in a way that was shocking. Their +levity was a thing to shudder at. As Sir Boyle Roche might have said, it +grated harshly upon an ear that had a dubious check in its pocket. Having +uttered their hilarious minds by word of mouth all they knew how, these +hardy and impenitent offenders set about writing "appropriate epitaphs." +Thank Heaven, all but one of these have escaped my memory, one that I +wrote myself. At the close of the rites, several hours later, I resumed my +movement against the bank. Too late--the old, old story of the hare and +the tortoise was told again. The "heavy news" had overtaken and passed me +as I loitered by the wayside. + +All attended the funeral--Sala, Sampson, Hood, Reid, and the +undistinguished others, including this present Sole Survivor of the group. +As each cast his handful of earth upon the coffin I am very sure that, +like Lord Brougham on a somewhat similar occasion, we all felt more than +we cared to express. On the death of a political antagonist whom he had +not treated with much consideration his lordship was asked, rather rudely, +"Have you no regrets now that he is gone?" + +After a moment of thoughtful silence he replied, with gravity, "Yes; I +favor his return." + + * * * * * + +One night in the summer of 1880 I was driving in a light wagon through the +wildest part of the Black Hills in South Dakota. I had left Deadwood and +was well on my way to Rockerville with thirty thousand dollars on my +person, belonging to a mining company of which I was the general manager. +Naturally, I had taken the precaution to telegraph my secretary at +Rockerville to meet me at Rapid City, then a small town, on another route; +the telegram was intended to mislead the "gentlemen of the road" whom I +knew to be watching my movements, and who might possibly have a +confederate in the telegraph office. Beside me on the seat of the wagon +sat Boone May. + +Permit me to explain the situation. Several months before, it had been the +custom to send a "treasure-coach" twice a week from Deadwood to Sidney, +Nebraska. Also, it had been the custom to have this coach captured and +plundered by "road agents." So intolerable had this practice become--even +iron-clad coaches loopholed for rifles proving a vain device--that the +mine owners had adopted the more practicable plan of importing from +California a half-dozen of the most famous "shotgun messengers" of Wells, +Fargo & Co.--fearless and trusty fellows with an instinct for killing, a +readiness of resource that was an intuition, and a sense of direction that +put a shot where it would do the most good more accurately than the most +careful aim. Their feats of marksmanship were so incredible that seeing +was scarcely believing. + +In a few weeks these chaps had put the road agents out of business and out +of life, for they attacked them wherever found. One sunny Sunday morning +two of them strolling down a street of Deadwood recognized five or six of +the rascals, ran back to their hotel for their rifles, and returning +killed them all! + +Boone May was one of these avengers. When I employed him, as a messenger, +he was under indictment for murder. He had trailed a "road agent" across, +the Bad Lands for hundreds of miles, brought him back to within a few +miles of Deadwood and picketed him out for the night. The desperate man, +tied as he was, had attempted to escape, and May found it expedient to +shoot and bury him. The grave by the roadside is perhaps still pointed out +to the curious. May gave himself up, was formally charged with murder, +released on his own recognizance, and I had to give him leave of absence +to go to court and be acquitted. Some of the New York directors of my +company having been good enough to signify their disapproval of my action +in employing "such a man," I could do no less than make some recognition +of their dissent, and thenceforth he was borne upon the pay-rolls as +"Boone May, Murderer." Now let me get back to my story. + +I knew the road fairly well, for I had previously traveled it by night, on +horseback, my pockets bulging with currency and my free hand holding a +cocked revolver the entire distance of fifty miles. To make the journey by +wagon with a companion was luxury. Still, the drizzle of rain was +uncomfortable. May sat hunched up beside me, a rubber poncho over his +shoulders and a Winchester rifle in its leathern case between his knees. I +thought him a trifle off his guard, but said nothing. The road, barely +visible, was rocky, the wagon rattled, and alongside ran a roaring stream. +Suddenly we heard through it all the clinking of a horse's shoes directly +behind, and simultaneously the short, sharp words of authority: "Throw up +your hands!" + +With an involuntary jerk at the reins I brought my team to its haunches +and reached for my revolver. Quite needless: with the quickest movement +that I had ever seen in anything but a cat--almost before the words were +out of the horseman's mouth--May had thrown himself backward across the +back of the seat, face upward, and the muzzle of his rifle was within a +yard of the fellow's breast! What further occurred among the three of us +there in the gloom of the forest has, I fancy, never been accurately +related. + +Boone May is long dead of yellow fever in Brazil, and I am the Sole +Survivor. + + * * * * * + +There was a famous _prima donna_ with whom it was my good fortune to cross +the Atlantic to New York. In truth I was charged by a friend of both with +the agreeable duty of caring for her safety and comfort. Madame was +gracious, clever, altogether charming, and before the voyage was two days +old a half-dozen of the men aboard, whom she had permitted me to present, +were heels over head in love with her, as I was myself. + +Our competition for her favor did not make us enemies; on the contrary we +were drawn together into something like an offensive and defensive +alliance by a common sorrow--the successful rivalry of a singularly +handsome Italian who sat next her at table. So assiduous was he in his +attentions that my office as the lady's guide, philosopher and friend was +nearly a sinecure, and as to the others, they had hardly one chance a day +to prove their devotion: that enterprising son of Italy dominated the +entire situation. By some diabolical prevision he anticipated Madame's +every need and wish--placed her reclining-chair in the most sheltered +spots on deck, smothered her in layer upon layer of wraps, and conducted +himself, generally, in the most inconsiderate way. Worse still, Madame +accepted his good offices with a shameless grace "which said as plain as +whisper in the ear" that there was a perfect understanding between them. +What made it harder to bear was the fellow's faulty civility to the rest +of us; he seemed hardly aware of our existence. + +Our indignation was not loud, but deep. Every day in the smoking-room we +contrived the most ingenious and monstrous, plans for his undoing in this +world and the next; the least cruel being a project to lure him to the +upper deck on a dark night and send him unshriven to his account by way of +the lee rail; but as none of us knew enough Italian to tell him the +needful falsehood that scheme of justice came to nothing, as did all the +others. At the wharf in New York we parted from Madame more in sorrow than +in anger, and from her conquering cavalier with polite manifestations of +the contempt we did not feel. + +That evening I called on her at her hotel, facing Union Square. Soon after +my arrival there was an audible commotion out in front: the populace, +headed by a brass band and incited, doubtless, by pure love of art, had +arrived to do honor to the great singer. There was music--a +serenade--followed by shoutings of the lady's name. She seemed a trifle +nervous, but I led her to the balcony, where she made a very pretty little +speech, piquant with her most charming accent. When the tumult and +shouting had died we re-entered her apartment to resume our conversation. +Would it please monsieur to have a glass, of wine? It would. She left the +room for a moment; then came the wine and glasses on a tray, borne by that +impossible Italian! He had a napkin across his arm--he was a servant. + +Barring some of the band and the populace, I am doubtless the Sole +Survivor, for Madame has for a number of years had a permanent engagement +Above, and my faith in Divine Justice does not permit me to think that the +servile wretch who cast down the mighty from their seat among the Sons of +Hope was suffered to live out the other half of his days. + + * * * * * + +A dinner of seven in an old London tavern--a good dinner, the memory +whereof is not yet effaced from the tablets of the palate. A soup, a plate +of white-bait be-lemoned and red-peppered with exactness, a huge joint of +roast beef, from which we sliced at will, flanked by various bottles of +old dry Sherry and crusty Port--such Port! (And we are expected to be +patriots in a country where it cannot be procured! And the Portuguese are +expected to love the country which, having it, sends it away!) That was +the dinner--there was Stilton cheese; it were shameful not to mention the +Stilton. Good, wholesome, and toothsome it was, rich and nutty. The +Stilton that we get here, clouted in tin-foil, is monstrous poor stuff, +hardly better than our American sort. After dinner there were walnuts and +coffee and cigars. I cannot say much for the cigars; they are not +over-good in England: too long at sea, I suppose. + +On the whole, it was a memorable dinner. Even its non-essential features +were satisfactory. The waiter was fascinatingly solemn, the floor snowily +sanded, the company sufficiently distinguished in literature and art for +me to keep track of them through the newspapers. They are dead--as dead as +Queen Anne, every mother's son of them! I am in my favorite rôle of Sole +Survivor. It has become habitual to me; I rather like it. + +Of the company were two eminent gastronomes--call them Messrs. Guttle and +Swig--who so acridly hated each other that nothing but a good dinner could +bring them under the same roof. (They had had a quarrel, I think, about +the merit of a certain Amontillado--which, by the way, one insisted, +despite Edgar Allan Poe, who certainly knew too much of whiskey to know +much of wine, _is_ a Sherry.) After the cloth had been removed and the +coffee, walnuts and cigars brought in, the company stood, and to an air +extemporaneously composed by Guttle, sang the following shocking and +reprehensible song, which had been written during the proceedings by this +present Sole Survivor. It will serve as fitly to conclude this feast of +unreason as it did that: + +THE SONG + + Jack Satan's the greatest of gods, + And Hell is the best of abodes. + 'Tis reached through the Valley of Clods + By seventy beautiful roads. + Hurrah for the Seventy Roads! + Hurrah for the clods that resound + With a hollow, thundering sound! + Hurrah for the Best of Abodes! + + We'll serve him as long as we've breath-- + Jack Satan, the greatest of gods. + To all of his enemies, death!-- + A home in the Valley of Clods. + Hurrah for the thunder of clods + That smother the souls of his foes! + Hurrah for the spirit that goes + To dwell with the Greatest of Gods! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce +by Ambrose Bierce + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13541 *** diff --git a/13541-h/13541-h.htm b/13541-h/13541-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9da46f --- /dev/null +++ b/13541-h/13541-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7998 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Mac OS X (vers 1st August 2004), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="content-type" content= +"text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 1.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + body {font-family:Georgia,serif;margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;font-variant:small-caps;} + pre {font-family:Courier,monospaced;font-size: 0.8em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + hr.short {width:20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; + font-size: 0.9em;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; + text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + +span.sidenote {position: absolute; left: 87%; right: 1%;font-size: 0.7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:0.7em;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; + font-size: 0.6em;text-indent:0em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + .returnTOC {font-size:.7em;text-align:right} + .ToC {margin-left:20%;margin-right:10%;} + .main {padding-top:1em;} + .subentry{text-indent:2em;} + ul {list-style-type: none;} + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13541 ***</div> + +<h1>The Collected Works of</h1> +<h1>Ambrose Bierce</h1> +<h3>Volume 1</h3> +<h3>1909</h3> +<hr class="full" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page15" name="page15"></a>[pg +15]</span></p> +<h2><a name="Contents" id="Contents">Contents</a></h2> +<table class="ToC" summary="Table of Contents"> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#ashes">ASHES OF THE BEACON</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#landbeyond">THE LAND BEYOND THE +BLOW</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#thither"><span class= +"sc">Thither</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#sons"><span class="sc">Sons of the Fair +Star</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#gnarmag"><span class="sc">An Interview with +Gnarmag-Zote</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#tamtonians"><span class="sc">The +Tamtonians</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#ug"><span class="sc">Marooned on Ug</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#dog"><span class="sc">The Dog in +Gangewag</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#ghargaroo"><span class="sc">A Conflagration in +Ghargaroo</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#batrugia"><span class="sc">An Execution in +Batrugia</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#gokeetle"><span class="sc">The Jumjum of +Gokeetle-Guk</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#tortirra"><span class="sc">The Kingdom of +Tortirra</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#hither"><span class="sc">Hither</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#ahkoond">FOR THE AHKOOND</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#liberator">JOHN SMITH, +LIBERATOR</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#autobio">BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#mountain"><span class="sc">On a +Mountain</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#shiloh"><span class="sc">What I Saw of +Shiloh</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#chickamauga"><span class="sc">A Little of +Chickamauga</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#picketts"><span class="sc">The Crime at +Pickett’s Mill</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#dixie"><span class="sc">Four Days in +Dixie</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#franklin"><span class="sc">What Occurred at +Franklin</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#alabam"><span class="sc">‘Way Down in +Alabam’</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#empress"><span class="sc">Working for an +Empress</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#plains"><span class="sc">Across the +Plains</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#mirage"><span class="sc">The Mirage</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#survivor"><span class="sc">A Sole +Survivor</span></a></td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr class="full" /> +<!--[pg 16]--> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page17" name="page17"></a>[pg +17]</span></p> +<h2><a id="ashes" name="ashes">Ashes of the Beacon</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<h3>An Historical Monograph Written in 4930</h3> +<p>Of the many causes that conspired to bring about the lamentable +failure of “self-government” in ancient America the +most general and comprehensive was, of course, the impracticable +nature of the system itself. In the light of modern culture, and +instructed by history, we readily discern the folly of those crude +ideas upon which the ancient Americans based what they knew as +“republican institutions,” and maintained, as long as +maintenance was possible, with something of a religious fervor, +even when the results were visibly disastrous. To us of to-day it +is clear that the word “self-government” involves a +contradiction, for government means control by something other than +the thing to be controlled. When the thing governed is the same as +the thing governing there is no government, though for a time there +may be, as in the case under consideration there was, a +considerable degree of forbearance, giving a misleading appearance +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page18" name="page18"></a>[pg +18]</span>of public order. This, however, soon must, as in fact it +soon did, pass away with the delusion that gave it birth. The habit +of obedience to written law, inculcated by generations of respect +for actual government able to enforce its authority, will persist +for a long time, with an ever lessening power upon the imagination +of the people; but there comes a time when the tradition is +forgotten and the delusion exhausted. When men perceive that +nothing is restraining them but their consent to be restrained, +then at last there is nothing to obstruct the free play of that +selfishness which is the dominant characteristic and fundamental +motive of human nature and human action respectively. Politics, +which may have had something of the character of a contest of +principles, becomes a struggle of interests, and its methods are +frankly serviceable to personal and class advantage. Patriotism and +respect for law pass like a tale that is told. Anarchy, no longer +disguised as “government by consent,” reveals his +hidden hand, and in the words of our greatest living poet,</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">lets the curtain fall,</p> +<p>And universal darkness buries all!</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>The ancient Americans were a composite <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page19" name="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span>people; +their blood was a blend of all the strains known in their time. +Their government, while they had one, being merely a loose and +mutable expression of the desires and caprices of the +majority—that is to say, of the ignorant, restless and +reckless—gave the freest rein and play to all the primal +instincts and elemental passions of the race. In so far and for so +long as it had any restraining force, it was only the restraint of +the present over the power of the past—that of a new habit +over an old and insistent tendency ever seeking expression in large +liberties and indulgences impatient of control. In the history of +that unhappy people, therefore, we see unveiled the workings of the +human will in its most lawless state, without fear of authority or +care of consequence. Nothing could be more instructive.</p> +<p>Of the American form of government, although itself the greatest +of evils afflicting the victims of those that it entailed, but +little needs to be said here; it has perished from the earth, a +system discredited by an unbroken record of failure in all parts of +the world, from the earliest historic times to its final +extinction. Of living students of political history not one +professes to see in it anything but <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page20" name="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span>a mischievous creation of +theorists and visionaries—persons whom our gracious sovereign +has deigned to brand for the world’s contempt as “dupes +of hope purveying to sons of greed.” The political +philosopher of to-day is spared the trouble of pointing out the +fallacies of republican government, as the mathematician is spared +that of demonstrating the absurdity of the convergence of parallel +lines; yet the ancient Americans not only clung to their error with +a blind, unquestioning faith, even when groaning under its most +insupportable burdens, but seem to have believed it of divine +origin. It was thought by them to have been established by the god +Washington, whose worship, with that of such <em>dii minores</em> +as Gufferson, Jaxon and Lincon (identical probably with the Hebru +Abrem) runs like a shining thread through all the warp and woof of +the stuff that garmented their moral nakedness. Some stones, very +curiously inscribed in many tongues, were found by the explorer +Droyhors in the wilderness bordering the river Bhitt (supposed by +him to be the ancient Potomac) as lately as the reign of Barukam +IV. These stones appear to be fragments of a monument or temple +erected to the glory of Washington in his divine character +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page21" name="page21"></a>[pg +21]</span>of Founder and Preserver of republican institutions. If +this tutelary deity of the ancient Americans really invented +representative government they were not the first by many to whom +he imparted the malign secret of its inauguration and denied that +of its maintenance.</p> +<p>Although many of the causes which finally, in combination, +brought about the downfall of the great American republic were in +operation from the beginning—being, as has been said, +inherent in the system—it was not until the year 1995 (as the +ancients for some reason not now known reckoned time) that the +collapse of the vast, formless fabric was complete. In that year +the defeat and massacre of the last army of law and order in the +lava beds of California extinguished the final fires of enlightened +patriotism and quenched in blood the monarchical revival. +Thenceforth armed opposition to anarchy was confined to desultory +and insignificant warfare waged by small gangs of mercenaries in +the service of wealthy individuals and equally feeble bands of +prescripts fighting for their lives. In that year, too, “the +Three Presidents” were driven from their capitals, +Cincinnati, New Orleans and Duluth, their armies dissolving +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page22" name="page22"></a>[pg +22]</span>by desertion and themselves meeting death at the hands of +the populace.</p> +<p>The turbulent period between 1920 and 1995, with its +incalculable waste of blood and treasure, its dreadful conflicts of +armies and more dreadful massacres by passionate mobs, its +kaleidoscopic changes of government and incessant effacement and +redrawing of boundaries of states, its interminable tale of +political assassinations and proscriptions—all the horrors +incident to intestinal wars of a naturally lawless race—had +so exhausted and dispirited the surviving protagonists of +legitimate government that they could make no further head against +the inevitable, and were glad indeed and most fortunate to accept +life on any terms that they could obtain.</p> +<p>But the purpose of this sketch is not bald narration of historic +fact, but examination of antecedent germinal conditions; not to +recount calamitous events familiar to students of that faulty +civilization, but to trace, as well as the meager record will +permit, the genesis and development of the causes that brought them +about. Historians in our time have left little undone in the matter +of narration of political and military phenomena. In Golpek’s +“Decline and Fall of the American Republics,” +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page23" name="page23"></a>[pg +23]</span>in Soseby’s “History of Political +Fallacies,” in Holobom’s “Monarchical +Renasence,” and notably in Gunkux’s immortal work, +“The Rise, Progress, Failure and Extinction of The Connected +States of America” the fruits of research have been garnered, +a considerable harvest. The events are set forth with such +conscientiousness and particularity as to have exhausted the +possibilities of narration. It remains only to expound causes and +point the awful moral.</p> +<p>To a delinquent observation it may seem needless to point out +the inherent defects of a system of government which the logic of +events has swept like political rubbish from the face of the earth, +but we must not forget that ages before the inception of the +American republics and that of France and Ireland this form of +government had been discredited by emphatic failures among the most +enlightened and powerful nations of antiquity: the Greeks, the +Romans, and long before them (as we now know) the Egyptians and the +Chinese. To the lesson of these failures the founders of the +eighteenth and nineteenth century republics were blind and deaf. +Have we then reason to believe that our posterity <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page24" name="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span>will be +wiser because instructed by a greater number of examples? And is +the number of examples which they will have in memory really +greater? Already the instances of China, Egypt, Greece and Rome are +almost lost in the mists of antiquity; they are known, except by +infrequent report, to the archæologist only, and but dimly +and uncertainly to him. The brief and imperfect record of +yesterdays which we call History is like that traveling vine of +India which, taking new root as it advances, decays at one end +while it grows at the other, and so is constantly perishing and +finally lost in all the spaces which it has over-passed.</p> +<p>From the few and precious writings that have descended to us +from the early period of the American republic we get a clear if +fragmentary view of the disorders and lawlessness affecting that +strange and unhappy nation. Leaving the historically famous +“labor troubles” for more extended consideration, we +may summarize here a few of the results of hardly more than a +century and a quarter of “self-government” as it +existed on this continent just previously to the awful end. At the +beginning of the “twentieth century” a careful study by +trustworthy contemporary <span class="pagenum"><a id="page25" name= +"page25"></a>[pg 25]</span>statisticians of the public records and +those apparently private ones known as “newspapers” +showed that in a population of about 80,000,000 the annual number +of homicides was not less than 10,000; and this continued year +after year to increase, not only absolutely, but proportionately, +until, in the words of Dumbleshaw, who is thought to have written +his famous “Memoirs of a Survivor” in the year 1908 of +their era, “it would seem that the practice of suicide is a +needless custom, for if a man but have patience his neighbor is +sure to put him out of his misery.” Of the 10,000 assassins +less than three per cent. were punished, further than by incidental +imprisonment if unable to give bail while awaiting trial. If the +chief end of government is the citizen’s security of life and +his protection from aggression, what kind of government do these +appalling figures disclose? Yet so infatuated with their imaginary +“liberty” were these singular people that the +contemplation of all this crime abated nothing of the volume and +persistence of their patriotic ululations, and affected not their +faith in the perfection of their system. They were like a man +standing on a rock already submerged by the rising tide, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page26" name="page26"></a>[pg +26]</span>and calling to his neighbors on adjacent cliffs to +observe his superior security.</p> +<p>When three men engage in an undertaking in which they have an +equal interest, and in the direction of which they have equal +power, it necessarily results that any action approved by two of +them, with or without the assent of the third, will be taken. This +is called—or was called when it was an accepted principle in +political and other affairs—“the rule of the +majority.” Evidently, under the malign conditions supposed, +it is the only practicable plan of getting anything done. A and B +rule and overrule C, not because they ought, but because they can; +not because they are wiser, but because they are stronger. In order +to avoid a conflict in which he is sure to be worsted, C submits as +soon as the vote is taken. C is as likely to be right as A and B; +nay, that eminent ancient philosopher, Professor Richard A. Proctor +(or Proroctor, as the learned now spell the name), has clearly +shown by the law of probabilities that any one of the three, all +being of the same intelligence, is far likelier to be right than +the other two.</p> +<p>It is thus that the “rule of the majority” as a +political system is established. It is in essence nothing but the +discredited and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page27" name= +"page27"></a>[pg 27]</span>discreditable principle that +“might makes right”; but early in the life of a +republic this essential character of government by majority is not +seen. The habit of submitting all questions of policy to the +arbitrament of counting noses and assenting without question to the +result invests the ordeal with a seeming sanctity, and what was at +first obeyed as the command of power comes to be revered as the +oracle of wisdom. The innumerable instances—such as the +famous ones of Galileo and Keeley—in which one man has been +right and all the rest of the race wrong, are overlooked, or their +significance missed, and “public opinion” is followed +as a divine and infallible guide through every bog into which it +blindly stumbles and over every precipice in its fortuitous path. +Clearly, sooner or later will be encountered a bog that will +smother or a precipice that will crush. Thoroughly to apprehend the +absurdity of the ancient faith in the wisdom of majorities let the +loyal reader try to fancy our gracious Sovereign by any possibility +wrong, or his unanimous Ministry by any possibility right!</p> +<p>During the latter half of the “nineteenth century” +there arose in the Connected States a political element opposed to +all government, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page28" name= +"page28"></a>[pg 28]</span>which frankly declared its object to be +anarchy. This astonishing heresy was not of indigenous growth: its +seeds were imported from Europe by the emigration or banishment +thence of criminals congenitally incapable of understanding and +valuing the blessings of monarchical institutions, and whose method +of protest was murder. The governments against which they conspired +in their native lands were too strong in authority and too +enlightened in policy for them to overthrow. Hundreds of them were +put to death, thousands imprisoned and sent into exile. But in +America, whither those who escaped fled for safety, they found +conditions entirely favorable to the prosecution of their +designs.</p> +<p>A revered fetish of the Americans was “freedom of +speech”: it was believed that if bad men were permitted to +proclaim their evil wishes they would go no further in the +direction of executing them—that if they might say what they +would like to do they would not care to do it. The close relation +between speech and action was not understood. Because the Americans +themselves had long been accustomed, in their own political debates +and discussions, to the use of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page29" +name="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span>unmeaning declamations and threats +which they had no intention of executing, they reasoned that others +were like them, and attributed to the menaces of these desperate +and earnest outcasts no greater importance than to their own. They +thought also that the foreign anarchists, having exchanged the +tyranny of kings for that of majorities, would be content with +their new and better lot and become in time good and law-abiding +citizens.</p> +<p>The anarchist of that far day (thanks to the firm hands of our +gracious sovereigns the species is now extinct) was a very +different person from what our infatuated ancestors imagined him. +He struck at government, not because it was bad, but because it was +government. He hated authority, not for its tyranny, but for its +power. And in order to make this plain to observation he frequently +chose his victim from amongst those whose rule was most +conspicuously benign.</p> +<p>Of the seven early Presidents of the American republic who +perished by assassination no fewer than four were slain by +anarchists with no personal wrongs to impel them to the +deed—nothing but an implacable hostility to law and +authority. The fifth victim, indeed, <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page30" name="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span>was a notorious demagogue +who had pardoned the assassin of the fourth.</p> +<p>The field of the anarchist’s greatest activity was always +a republic, not only to emphasize his impartial hatred of all +government, but because of the inherent feebleness of that form of +government, its inability to protect itself against any kind of +aggression by any considerable number of its people having a common +malevolent purpose. In a republic the crust that confined the fires +of violence and sedition was thinnest.</p> +<p>No improvement in the fortunes of the original anarchists +through immigration to what was then called the New World would +have made them good citizens. From centuries of secret war against +particular forms of authority in their own countries they had +inherited a bitter antagonism to all authority, even the most +beneficent. In their new home they were worse than in their old. In +the sunshine of opportunity the rank and sickly growth of their +perverted natures became hardy, vigorous, bore fruit. They +surrounded themselves with proselytes from the ranks of the idle, +the vicious, the unsuccessful. They stimulated and organized +discontent. Every one of them became a center of moral and +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page31" name="page31"></a>[pg +31]</span>political contagion. To those as yet unprepared to accept +anarchy was offered the milder dogma of Socialism, and to those +even weaker in the faith something vaguely called Reform. Each was +initiated into that degree to which the induration of his +conscience and the character of his discontent made him eligible, +and in which he could be most serviceable, the body of the people +still cheating themselves with the false sense of security begotten +of the belief that they were somehow exempt from the operation of +all agencies inimical to their national welfare and integrity. +Human nature, they thought, was different in the West from what it +was in the East: in the New World the old causes would not have the +old effects: a republic had some inherent vitality of its own, +entirely independent of any action intended to keep it alive. They +felt that words and phrases had some talismanic power, and charmed +themselves asleep by repeating “liberty,” “all +men equal before the law,” “dictates of +conscience,” “free speech” and all manner of such +incantation to exorcise the spirits of the night. And when they +could no longer close their eyes to the dangers environing them; +when they saw at last that what they had mistaken for the magic +power of their <span class="pagenum"><a id="page32" name= +"page32"></a>[pg 32]</span>form of government and its assured +security was really its radical weakness and subjective +peril—they found their laws inadequate to repression of the +enemy, the enemy too strong to permit the enactment of adequate +laws. The belief that a malcontent armed with freedom of speech, a +newspaper, a vote and a rifle is less dangerous than a malcontent +with a still tongue in his head, empty hands and under police +surveillance was abandoned, but all too late. From its fatuous +dream the nation was awakened by the noise of arms, the shrieks of +women and the red glare of burning cities.</p> +<p>Beginning with the slaughter at St. Louis on a night in the year +1920, when no fewer than twenty-two thousand citizens were slain in +the streets and half the city destroyed, massacre followed massacre +with frightful rapidity. New York fell in the month following, many +thousands of its inhabitants escaping fire and sword only to be +driven into the bay and drowned, “the roaring of the water in +their ears,” says Bardeal, “augmented by the hoarse +clamor of their red-handed pursuers, whose blood-thirst was unsated +by the sea.” A week later Washington was destroyed, with all +its public buildings and archives; the President and his Ministry +were slain, Congress was <span class="pagenum"><a id="page33" name= +"page33"></a>[pg 33]</span>dispersed, and an unknown number of +officials and private citizens perished. Of all the principal +cities only Chicago and San Francisco escaped. The people of the +former were all anarchists and the latter was valorously and +successfully defended by the Chinese.</p> +<p>The urban anarchists were eventually subdued and some semblance +of order was restored, but greater woes and sharper shames awaited +this unhappy nation, as we shall see.</p> +<p>In turning from this branch of our subject to consider the +causes of the failure and bloody disruption of the great American +republic other than those inherent in the form of government, it +may not be altogether unprofitable to glance briefly at what seems +to a superficial view the inconsistent phenomenon of great material +prosperity. It is not to be denied that this unfortunate people was +at one time singularly prosperous, in so far as national wealth is +a measure and proof of prosperity. Among nations it was the richest +nation. But at how great a sacrifice of better things was its +wealth obtained! By the neglect of all education except that crude, +elementary sort which fits men for the coarse delights of business +and affairs but confers no capacity of rational enjoyment; by +exalting the worth of wealth and <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page34" name="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span>making it the test and +touchstone of merit; by ignoring art, scorning literature and +despising science, except as these might contribute to the glutting +of the purse; by setting up and maintaining an artificial standard +of morals which condoned all offenses against the property and +peace of every one but the condoner; by pitilessly crushing out of +their natures every sentiment and aspiration unconnected with +accumulation of property, these civilized savages and commercial +barbarians attained their sordid end. Before they had rounded the +first half-century of their existence as a nation they had sunk so +low in the scale of morality that it was considered nothing +discreditable to take the hand and even visit the house of a man +who had grown rich by means notoriously corrupt and dishonorable; +and Harley declares that even the editors and writers of +newspapers, after fiercely assailing such men in their journals, +would be seen “hobnobbing” with them in public places. +(The nature of the social ceremony named the “hobnob” +is not now understood, but it is known that it was a sign of amity +and favor.) When men or nations devote all the powers of their +minds and bodies to the heaping up of wealth, wealth is heaped up. +But <span class="pagenum"><a id="page35" name="page35"></a>[pg +35]</span>what avails it? It may not be amiss to quote here the +words of one of the greatest of the ancients whose +works—fragmentary, alas—have come down to us.</p> +<p>“Wealth has accumulated itself into masses; and poverty, +also in accumulation enough, lies impassably separated from it; +opposed, uncommunicating, like forces in positive and negative +poles. The gods of this lower world sit aloft on glittering +thrones, less happy than Epicurus’s gods, but as indolent, as +impotent; while the boundless living chaos of ignorance and hunger +welters, terrific in its dark fury, under their feet. How much +among us might be likened to a whited sepulcher: outwardly all pomp +and strength, but inwardly full of horror and despair and dead +men’s bones! Iron highways, with their wains fire-winged, are +uniting all the ends of the land; quays and moles, with their +innumerable stately fleets, tame the ocean into one pliant bearer +of burdens; labor’s thousand arms, of sinew and of metal, +all-conquering everywhere, from the tops of the mount down to the +depths of the mine and the caverns of the sea, ply unweariedly for +the service of man; yet man remains unserved. He has subdued this +planet, his habitation and inheritance, yet reaps no profit +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page36" name="page36"></a>[pg +36]</span>from the victory. Sad to look upon: in the highest stage +of civilization nine-tenths of mankind have to struggle in the +lowest battle of savage or even animal man—the battle against +famine. Countries are rich, prosperous in all manner of increase, +beyond example; but the men of these countries are poor, needier +than ever of all sustenance, outward and inward; of belief, of +knowledge, of money, of food.”</p> +<p>To this somber picture of American “prosperity” in +the nineteenth century nothing of worth can be added by the most +inspired artist. Let us simply inscribe upon the gloomy canvas the +memorable words of an illustrious poet of the period:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>That country speeds to an untoward fate,</p> +<p>Where men are trivial and gold is great.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>One of the most “sacred” rights of the ancient +American was the trial of an accused person by “a jury of his +peers.” This, in America, was a right secured to him by a +written constitution. It was almost universally believed to have +had its origin in Magna Carta, a famous document which certain +rebellious noblemen of another country had compelled their +sovereign to sign under a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page37" +name="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span>threat of death. That celebrated +“bill of rights” has not all come down to us, but +researches of the learned have made it certain that it contained no +mention of trial by jury, which, indeed, was unknown to its +authors. The words <em>judicium parium</em> meant to them something +entirely different—the judgment of the entire community of +freemen. The words and the practice they represented antedated +Magna Carta by many centuries and were common to the Franks and +other Germanic nations, amongst whom a trial “jury” +consisted of persons having a knowledge of the matter to be +determined—persons who in later times were called +“witnesses” and rigorously excluded from the seats of +judgment.</p> +<p>It is difficult to conceive a more clumsy and ineffective +machinery for ascertaining truth and doing justice than a jury of +twelve men of the average intelligence, even among ourselves. What, +then, must this device have been among the half-civilized tribes of +the Connected States of America! Nay, the case is worse than that, +for it was the practice to prevent men of even the average +intelligence from serving as jurors. Jurors had to be residents of +the locality of the crime charged, and every crime was made a +matter of public notoriety <span class="pagenum"><a id="page38" +name="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span>long before the accused was brought +to trial; yet, as a rule, he who had read or talked about the trial +was held disqualified to serve. This in a country where, when a man +who could read was not reading about local crimes he was talking +about them, or if doing neither was doing something worse!</p> +<p>To the twelve men so chosen the opposing lawyers addressed their +disingenuous pleas and for their consideration the witnesses +presented their carefully rehearsed testimony, most of it false. So +unintelligent were these juries that a great part of the time in +every trial was consumed in keeping from them certain kinds of +evidence with which they could not be trusted; yet the lawyers were +permitted to submit to them any kind of misleading argument that +they pleased and fortify it with innuendoes without relevancy and +logic without sense. Appeals to their passions, their sympathies, +their prejudices, were regarded as legitimate influences and +tolerated by the judges on the theory that each side’s +offenses would about offset those of the other. In a criminal case +it was expected that the prosecutor would declare repeatedly and in +the most solemn manner his belief in the guilt of the person +accused, and that the attorney for <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page39" name="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span>the defense would affirm +with equal gravity his conviction of his client’s innocence. +How could they impress the jury with a belief which they did not +themselves venture to affirm? It is not recorded that any lawyer +ever rebelled against the iron authority of these conditions and +stood for truth and conscience. They were, indeed, the conditions +of his existence as a lawyer, a fact which they easily persuaded +themselves mitigated the baseness of their obedience to them, or +justified it altogether.</p> +<p>The judges, as a rule, were no better, for before they could +become judges they must have been advocates, with an +advocate’s fatal disabilities of judgment. Most of them +depended for their office upon the favor of the people, which, +also, was fatal to the independence, the dignity and the +impartiality to which they laid so solemn claim. In their decisions +they favored, so far as they dared, every interest, class or person +powerful enough to help or hurt them in an election. Holding their +high office by so precarious a tenure, they were under strong +temptation to enrich themselves from the serviceable purses of +wealthy litigants, and in disregard of justice to cultivate the +favor of the attorneys practicing before <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page40" name="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span>them, and +before whom they might soon be compelled themselves to +practice.</p> +<p>In the higher courts of the land, where juries were unknown and +appointed judges held their seats for life, these awful conditions +did not obtain, and there Justice might have been content to dwell, +and there she actually did sometimes set her foot. Unfortunately, +the great judges had the consciences of their education. They had +crept to place through the slime of the lower courts and their +robes of office bore the damnatory evidence. Unfortunately, too, +the attorneys, the jury habit strong upon them, brought into the +superior tribunals the moral characteristics and professional +methods acquired in the lower. Instead of assisting the judges to +ascertain the truth and the law, they cheated in argument and took +liberties with fact, deceiving the court whenever they deemed it to +the interest of their cause to do so, and as willingly won by a +technicality or a trick as by the justice of their contention and +their ability in supporting it. Altogether, the entire judicial +system of the Connected States of America was inefficient, +disreputable, corrupt.</p> +<p>The result might easily have been foreseen and doubtless was +predicted by patriots whose <span class="pagenum"><a id="page41" +name="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span>admonitions have not come down to +us. Denied protection of the law, neither property nor life was +safe. Greed filled his coffers from the meager hoards of Thrift, +private vengeance took the place of legal redress, mad multitudes +rioted and slew with virtual immunity from punishment or blame, and +the land was red with crime.</p> +<p>A singular phenomenon of the time was the immunity of criminal +women. Among the Americans woman held a place unique in the history +of nations. If not actually worshiped as a deity, as some +historians, among them the great Sagab-Joffoy, have affirmed, she +was at least regarded with feelings of veneration which the modern +mind has a difficulty in comprehending. Some degree of compassion +for her mental inferiority, some degree of forbearance toward her +infirmities of temper, some degree of immunity for the offenses +which these peculiarities entail—these are common to all +peoples above the grade of barbarians. In ancient America these +chivalrous sentiments found open and lawful expression only in +relieving woman of the burden of participation in political and +military service; the laws gave her no express exemption from +responsibility for crime. When she murdered, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page42" name="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span>she was +arrested; when arrested, brought to trial—though the origin +and meaning of those observances are not now known. Gunkux, whose +researches into the jurisprudence of antiquity enable him to speak +with commanding authority of many things, gives us here nothing +better than the conjecture that the trial of women for murder, in +the nineteenth century and a part of the twentieth, was the +survival of an earlier custom of actually convicting and punishing +them, but it seems extremely improbable that a people that once put +its female assassins to death would ever have relinquished the +obvious advantages of the practice while retaining with purposeless +tenacity some of its costly preliminary forms. Whatever may have +been the reason, the custom was observed with all the gravity of a +serious intention. Gunkux professes knowledge of one or two +instances (he does not name his authorities) where matters went so +far as conviction and sentence, and adds that the mischievous +sentimentalists who had always lent themselves to the solemn jest +by protestations of great <em>vraisemblance</em> against “the +judicial killing of women,” became really alarmed and filled +the land with their lamentations. Among the phenomena of brazen +effrontery <span class="pagenum"><a id="page43" name= +"page43"></a>[pg 43]</span>he classes the fact that some of these +loud protagonists of the right of women to assassinate unpunished +were themselves women! Howbeit, the sentences, if ever pronounced, +were never executed, and during the first quarter of the twentieth +century the meaningless custom of bringing female assassins to +trial was abandoned. What the effect was of their exemption from +this considerable inconvenience we have not the data to conjecture, +unless we understand as an allusion to it some otherwise obscure +words of the famous Edward Bok, the only writer of the period whose +work has survived. In his monumental essay on barbarous penology, +entitled “Slapping the Wrist,” he couples +“woman’s emancipation from the trammels of law” +and “man’s better prospect of death” in a way +that some have construed as meaning that he regarded them as cause +and effect. It must be said, however, that this interpretation +finds no support in the general character of his writing, which is +exceedingly humane, refined and womanly.</p> +<p>It has been said that the writings of this great man are the +only surviving work of his period, but of that we are not +altogether sure. There exists a fragment of an anonymous essay on +woman’s legal responsibility which many <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page44" name="page44"></a>[pg +44]</span>Americologists think belongs to the beginning of the +twentieth century. Certainly it could not have been written later +than the middle of it, for at that time woman had been definitely +released from any responsibility to any law but that of her own +will. The essay is an argument against even such imperfect +exemption as she had in its author’s time.</p> +<p>“It has been urged,” the writer says, “that +women, being less rational and more emotional than men, should not +be held accountable in the same degree. To this it may be answered +that punishment for crime is not intended to be retaliatory, but +admonitory and deterrent. It is, therefore, peculiarly necessary to +those not easily reached by other forms of warning and dissuasion. +Control of the wayward is not to be sought in reduction of +restraints, but in their multiplication. One who cannot be curbed +by reason may be curbed by fear, a familiar truth which lies at the +foundation of all penological systems. The argument for exemption +of women is equally cogent for exemption of habitual criminals, for +they too are abnormally inaccessible to reason, abnormally disposed +to obedience to the suasion of their unregulated impulses and +passions. To free them from the <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page45" name="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span>restraints of the fear of +punishment would be a bold innovation which has as yet found no +respectable proponent outside their own class.</p> +<p>“Very recently this dangerous enlargement of the meaning +of the phrase ‘emancipation of woman’ has been +fortified with a strange advocacy by the female ‘champions of +their sex.’ Their argument runs this way: ‘We are +denied a voice in the making of the laws relating to infliction of +the death penalty; it is unjust to hold us to an accountability to +which we have not assented.’ Of course this argument is as +broad as the entire body of law; it amounts to nothing less than a +demand for general immunity from all laws, for to none of them has +woman’s assent been asked or given. But let us consider this +amazing claim with reference only to the proposal in the service +and promotion of which it is now urged: exemption of women from the +death penalty for murder. In the last analysis it is seen to be a +simple demand for compensation. It says: ‘You owe us a +<em>solatium</em>. Since you deny us the right to vote, you should +give us the right to assassinate. We do not appraise it at so high +a valuation as the other franchise, but we do value it.’</p> +<p>“Apparently they do: without legal, but <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page46" name="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span>with +virtual, immunity from punishment, the women of this country take +an average of one thousand lives annually, nine in ten being the +lives of men. Juries of men, incited and sustained by public +opinion, have actually deprived every adult male American of the +right to live. If the death of any man is desired by any woman for +any reason he is without protection. She has only to kill him and +say that he wronged or insulted her. Certain almost incredible +recent instances prove that no woman is too base for immunity, no +crime against life sufficiently rich in all the elements of +depravity to compel a conviction of the assassin, or, if she is +convicted and sentenced, her punishment by the public +executioner.”</p> +<p>In this interesting fragment, quoted by Bogul in his +“History of an Extinct Civilization,” we learn +something of the shame and peril of American citizenship under +institutions which, not having run their foreordained course to the +unhappy end, were still in some degree supportable. What these +institutions became afterward is a familiar story. It is true that +the law of trial by jury was repealed. It had broken down, but not +until it had sapped the whole nation’s respect for all law, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page47" name="page47"></a>[pg +47]</span>for all forms of authority, for order and private +virtues. The people whose rude forefathers in another land it had +served roughly to protect against their tyrants, it had lamentably +failed to protect against themselves, and when in madness they +swept it away, it was not as one renouncing an error, but as one +impatient of the truth which the error is still believed to +contain. They flung it away, not as an ineffectual restraint, but +as a restraint; not because it was no longer an instrument of +justice for the determination of truth, but because they feared +that it might again become such. In brief, trial by jury was +abolished only when it had provoked anarchy.</p> +<p>Before turning to another phase of this ancient civilization I +cannot forbear to relate, after the learned and ingenious Gunkux, +the only known instance of a public irony expressing itself in the +sculptor’s noble art. In the ancient city of Hohokus once +stood a monument of colossal size and impressive dignity. It was +erected by public subscription to the memory of a man whose only +distinction consisted in a single term of service as a juror in a +famous murder trial, the details of which have not come down to us. +This occupied the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page48" name= +"page48"></a>[pg 48]</span>court and held public attention for many +weeks, being bitterly contested by both prosecution and defense. +When at last it was given to the jury by the judge in the most +celebrated charge that had ever been delivered from the bench, a +ballot was taken at once. The jury stood eleven for acquittal to +one for conviction. And so it stood at every ballot of the more +than fifty that were taken during the fortnight that the jury was +locked up for deliberation. Moreover, the dissenting juror would +not argue the matter; he would listen with patient attention while +his eleven indignant opponents thundered their opinions into his +ears, even when they supported them with threats of personal +violence; but not a word would he say. At last a disagreement was +formally entered, the jury discharged and the obstinate juror +chased from the city by the maddened populace. Despairing of +success in another trial and privately admitting his belief in the +prisoner’s innocence, the public prosecutor moved for his +release, which the judge ordered with remarks plainly implying his +own belief that the wrong man had been tried.</p> +<p>Years afterward the accused person died confessing his guilt, +and a little later one of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page49" +name="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span>the jurors who had been sworn to +try the case admitted that he had attended the trial on the first +day only, having been personated during the rest of the proceedings +by a twin brother, the obstinate member, who was a deaf-mute.</p> +<p>The monument to this eminent public servant was overthrown and +destroyed by an earthquake in the year 2342.</p> +<p>One of the causes of that popular discontent which brought about +the stupendous events resulting in the disruption of the great +republic, historians and archæologists are agreed in +reckoning “insurance.” Of the exact nature of that +factor in the problem of the national life of that distant day we +are imperfectly informed; many of its details have perished from +the record, yet its outlines loom large through the mist of ages +and can be traced with greater precision than is possible in many +more important matters.</p> +<p>In the monumental work of Professor Golunk-Dorsto (“Some +Account of the Insurance Delusion in Ancient America”) we +have its most considerable modern exposition; and Gakler’s +well-known volume, “The Follies of Antiquity,” contains +much interesting matter relating to it. From these and other +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page50" name="page50"></a>[pg +50]</span>sources the student of human unreason can reconstruct +that astounding fallacy of insurance as, from three joints of its +tail, the great naturalist Bogramus restored the ancient elephant, +from hoof to horn.</p> +<p>The game of insurance, as practiced by the ancient Americans +(and, as Gakler conjectures, by some of the tribesmen of Europe), +was gambling, pure and simple, despite the sentimental character +that its proponents sought to impress upon some forms of it for the +greater prosperity of their dealings with its dupes. Essentially, +it was a bet between the insurer and the insured. The number of +ways in which the wager was made—all devised by the +insurer—was almost infinite, but in none of them was there a +departure from the intrinsic nature of the transaction as seen in +its simplest, frankest form, which we shall here expound.</p> +<p>To those unlearned in the economical institutions of antiquity +it is necessary to explain that in ancient America, long prior to +the disastrous Japanese war, individual ownership of property was +unrestricted; every person was permitted to get as much as he was +able, and to hold it as his own without regard to his needs, or +whether he made any good use of it <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page51" name="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span>or not. By some plan of +distribution not now understood even the habitable surface of the +earth, with the minerals beneath, was parceled out among the +favored few, and there was really no place except at sea where +children of the others could lawfully be born. Upon a part of the +dry land that he had been able to acquire, or had leased from +another for the purpose, a man would build a house worth, say, ten +thousand <em>drusoes</em>. (The ancient unit of value was the +“dollar,” but nothing is now known as to its actual +worth.) Long before the building was complete the owner was beset +by “touts” and “cappers” of the insurance +game, who poured into his ears the most ingenious expositions of +the advantages of betting that it would burn down—for with +incredible fatuity the people of that time continued, generation +after generation, to build inflammable habitations. The persons +whom the capper represented—they called themselves an +“insurance company”—stood ready to accept the +bet, a fact which seems to have generated no suspicion in the mind +of the house-owner. Theoretically, of course, if the house did burn +payment of the wager would partly or wholly recoup the winner of +the bet for the loss of his house, but in fact the result +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page52" name="page52"></a>[pg +52]</span>of the transaction was commonly very different. For the +privilege of betting that his property would be destroyed by fire +the owner had to pay to the gentleman betting that it would not be, +a certain percentage of its value every year, called a +“premium.” The amount of this was determined by the +company, which employed statisticians and actuaries to fix it at +such a sum that, according to the law of probabilities, long before +the house was “due to burn,” the company would have +received more than the value of it in premiums. In other words, the +owner of the house would himself supply the money to pay his bet, +and a good deal more.</p> +<p>But how, it may be asked, could the company’s actuary know +that the man’s house would last until he had paid in more +than its insured value in premiums—more, that is to say, than +the company would have to pay back? He could not, but from his +statistics he could know how many houses in ten thousand of that +kind burned in their first year, how many in their second, their +third, and so on. That was all that he needed to know, the +house-owners knowing nothing about it. He fixed his rates according +to the facts, and the occasional loss of a bet in an individual +instance <span class="pagenum"><a id="page53" name="page53"></a>[pg +53]</span>did not affect the certainty of a general winning. Like +other professional gamblers, the company expected to lose +sometimes, yet knew that in the long run it <em>must</em> win; +which meant that in any special case it would <em>probably</em> +win. With a thousand gambling games open to him in which the +chances were equal, the infatuated dupe chose to “sit +into” one where they were against him! Deceived by the +cappers’ fairy tales, dazed by the complex and +incomprehensible “calculations” put forth for his +undoing, and having ever in the ear of his imagination the crackle +and roar of the impoverishing flames, he grasped at the hope of +beating—in an unwelcome way, it is true—“the man +that kept the table.” He must have known for a certainty that +if the company could afford to insure him he could not afford to +let it. He must have known that the whole body of the insured paid +to the insurers more than the insurers paid to them; otherwise the +business could not have been conducted. This they cheerfully +admitted; indeed, they proudly affirmed it. In fact, insurance +companies were the only professional gamblers that had the +incredible hardihood to parade their enormous winnings as an +inducement to play against their game. These <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page54" name="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span>winnings +(“assets,” they called them) proved their ability, they +said, to pay when they lost; and that was indubitably true. What +they did not prove, unfortunately, was the <em>will</em> to pay, +which from the imperfect court records of the period that have come +down to us, appears frequently to have been lacking. Gakler relates +that in the instance of the city of San Francisco (somewhat +doubtfully identified by Macronus as the modern fishing-village of +Gharoo) the disinclination of the insurance companies to pay their +bets had the most momentous consequences.</p> +<p>In the year 1906 San Francisco was totally destroyed by fire. +The conflagration was caused by the friction of a pig scratching +itself against an angle of a wooden building. More than one hundred +thousand persons perished, and the loss of property is estimated by +Kobo-Dogarque at one and a half million <em>drusoes</em>. On more +than two-thirds of this enormous sum the insurance companies had +laid bets, and the greater part of it they refused to pay. In +justification they pointed out that the deed performed by the pig +was “an act of God,” who in the analogous instance of +the express companies had been specifically forbidden to take any +action affecting the interests of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page55" name="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span>parties to a contract, or +the result of an agreed undertaking.</p> +<p>In the ensuing litigation their attorneys cited two notable +precedents. A few years before the San Francisco disaster, another +American city had experienced a similar one through the upsetting +of a lamp by the kick of a cow. In that case, also, the insurance +companies had successfully denied their liability on the ground +that the cow, manifestly incited by some supernatural power, had +unlawfully influenced the result of a wager to which she was not a +party. The companies defendant had contended that the recourse of +the property-owners was against, not them, but the owner of the +cow. In his decision sustaining that view and dismissing the case, +a learned judge (afterward president of one of the defendant +companies) had in the legal phraseology of the period pronounced +the action of the cow an obvious and flagrant instance of +unwarrantable intervention. Kobo-Dogarque believes that this +decision was afterward reversed by an appellate court of contrary +political complexion and the companies were compelled to +compromise, but of this there is no record. It is certain that in +the San Francisco case the precedent was urged.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page56" name="page56"></a>[pg +56]</span>Another precedent which the companies cited with +particular emphasis related to an unfortunate occurrence at a +famous millionaires’ club in London, the capital of the +renowned king, John Bui. A gentleman passing in the street fell in +a fit and was carried into the club in convulsions. Two members +promptly made a bet upon his life. A physician who chanced to be +present set to work upon the patient, when one of the members who +had laid the wager came forward and restrained him, saying: +“Sir, I beg that you will attend to your own business. I have +my money on that fit.”</p> +<p>Doubtless these two notable precedents did not constitute the +entire case of the defendants in the San Francisco insurance +litigation, but the additional pleas are lost to us.</p> +<p>Of the many forms of gambling known as insurance that called +life insurance appears to have been the most vicious. In essence it +was the same as fire insurance, marine insurance, accident +insurance and so forth, with an added offensiveness in that it was +a betting on human lives—commonly by the policy-holder on +lives that should have been held most sacred and altogether immune +from the taint of traffic. In point of practical operation this +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page57" name="page57"></a>[pg +57]</span>ghastly business was characterized by a more fierce and +flagrant dishonesty than any of its kindred pursuits. To such +lengths of robbery did the managers go that at last the patience of +the public was exhausted and a comparatively trivial occurrence +fired the combustible elements of popular indignation to a white +heat in which the entire insurance business of the country was +burned out of existence, together with all the gamblers who had +invented and conducted it. The president of one of the companies +was walking one morning in a street of New York, when he had the +bad luck to step on the tail of a dog and was bitten in +retaliation. Frenzied by the pain of the wound, he gave the +creature a savage kick and it ran howling toward a group of idlers +in front of a grocery store. In ancient America the dog was a +sacred animal, worshiped by all sorts and conditions of tribesmen. +The idlers at once raised a great cry, and setting upon the +offender beat him so that he died.</p> +<p>Their act was infectious: men, women and children trooped out of +their dwellings by thousands to join them, brandishing whatever +weapons they could snatch, and uttering wild cries of vengeance. +This formidable mob overpowered the police, and marching from +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page58" name="page58"></a>[pg +58]</span>one insurance office to another, successively demolished +them all, slew such officers as they could lay hands on, and chased +the fugitive survivors into the sea, “where,” says a +quaint chronicle of the time, “they were eaten by their +kindred, the sharks.” This carnival of violence continued all +the day, and at set of sun not one person connected with any form +of insurance remained alive.</p> +<p>Ferocious and bloody as was the massacre, it was only the +beginning. As the news of it went blazing and coruscating along the +wires by which intelligence was then conveyed across the country, +city after city caught the contagion. Everywhere, even in the small +hamlets and the agricultural districts, the dupes rose against +their dupers. The smoldering resentment of years burst into flame, +and within a week all that was left of insurance in America was the +record of a monstrous and cruel delusion written in the blood of +its promoters.</p> +<p>A remarkable feature of the crude and primitive civilization of +the Americans was their religion. This was polytheistic, as is that +of all backward peoples, and among their minor deities were their +own women. This has been disputed by respectable authorities, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page59" name="page59"></a>[pg +59]</span>among them Gunkux and the younger Kekler, but the weight +of archæological testimony is against them, for, as +Sagab-Joffy ingeniously points out, none of less than divine rank +would by even the lowest tribes be given unrestricted license to +kill. Among the Americans woman, as already pointed out, +indubitably had that freedom, and exercised it with terrible +effect, a fact which makes the matter of their religion pertinent +to the purpose of this monograph. If ever an American woman was +punished by law for murder of a man no record of the fact is found; +whereas, such American literature as we possess is full of the most +enthusiastic adulation of the impossible virtues and imaginary +graces of the human female. One writer even goes to the length of +affirming that respect for the sex is the foundation of political +stability, the cornerstone of civil and religious liberty! After +the break-up of the republic and the savage intertribal wars that +followed, Gyneolatry was an exhausted cult and woman was relegated +to her old state of benign subjection.</p> +<p>Unfortunately, we know little of the means of travel in ancient +America, other than the names. It seems to have been done mainly by +what were called “railroads,” upon which <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page60" name="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span>wealthy +associations of men transported their fellow-citizens in some kind +of vehicle at a low speed, seldom exceeding fifty or sixty miles an +hour, as distance and time were then reckoned—about equal to +seven <em>kaltabs</em> a <em>grillog</em>. Notwithstanding this +slow movement of the vehicles, the number and fatality of accidents +were incredible. In the Zopetroq Museum of Archæology is +preserved an official report (found in the excavations made by +Droyhors on the supposed site of Washington) of a Government +Commission of the Connected States. From that document we learn +that in the year 1907 of their era the railroads of the country +killed 5,000 persons and wounded 72,286—a mortality which is +said by the commissioners to be twice that of the battle of +Gettysburg, concerning which we know nothing but the name. This was +about the annual average of railroad casualties of the period, and +if it provoked comment it at least led to no reform, for at a later +period we find the mortality even greater. That it was preventable +is shown by the fact that in the same year the railroads of Great +Britain, where the speed was greater and the intervals between +vehicles less, killed only one passenger. It was a difference of +government: Great <span class="pagenum"><a id="page61" name= +"page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>Britain had a government that governed; +America had not. Happily for humanity, the kind of government that +does not govern, self-government, “government of the people, +by the people and for the people” (to use a meaningless +paradox of that time) has perished from the face of the earth.</p> +<p>An inherent weakness in republican government was that it +assumed the honesty and intelligence of the majority, “the +masses,” who were neither honest nor intelligent. It would +doubtless have been an excellent government for a people so good +and wise as to need none. In a country having such a system the +leaders, the politicians, must necessarily all be demagogues, for +they can attain to place and power by no other method than flattery +of the people and subserviency to the will of the majority. In all +the ancient American political literature we look in vain for a +single utterance of truth and reason regarding these matters. In +none of it is a hint that the multitude was ignorant and vicious, +as we know it to have been, and as it must necessarily be in any +country, to whatever high average of intelligence and morality the +people attain; for “intelligence” and +“morality” are comparative terms, the standard of +comparison <span class="pagenum"><a id="page62" name= +"page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>being the intelligence and morality of +the wisest and best, who must always be the few. Whatever general +advance is made, those not at the head are behind—are +ignorant and immoral according to the new standard, and unfit to +control in the higher and broader policies demanded by the progress +made. Where there is true and general progress the philosopher of +yesterday would be the ignoramus of to-day, the honorable of one +generation the vicious of another. The peasant of our time is +incomparably superior to the statesman of ancient America, yet he +is unfit to govern, for there are others more fit.</p> +<p>That a body of men can be wiser than its wisest member seems to +the modern understanding so obvious and puerile an error that it is +inconceivable that any people, even the most primitive, could ever +have entertained it; yet we know that in America it was a fixed and +steadfast political faith. The people of that day did not, +apparently, attempt to explain how the additional wisdom was +acquired by merely assembling in council, as in their +“legislatures”; they seem to have assumed that it was +so, and to have based their entire governmental system upon that +assumption, with never a suspicion of its fallacy. It is like +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page63" name="page63"></a>[pg +63]</span>assuming that a mountain range is higher than its highest +peak. In the words of Golpek, “The early Americans believed +that units of intelligence were addable quantities,” or as +Soseby more wittily puts it, “They thought that in a +combination of idiocies they had the secret of sanity.”</p> +<p>The Americans, as has been said, never learned that even among +themselves majorities ruled, not because they ought, but because +they could—not because they were wise, but because they were +strong. The count of noses determined, not the better policy, but +the more powerful party. The weaker submitted, as a rule, for it +had to or risk a war in which it would be at a disadvantage. Yet in +all the early years of the republic they seem honestly to have +dignified their submission as “respect for the popular +verdict.” They even quoted from the Latin language the +sentiment that “the voice of the people is the voice of +God.” And this hideous blasphemy was as glib upon the lips of +those who, without change of mind, were defeated at the polls year +after year as upon those of the victors.</p> +<p>Of course, their government was powerless to restrain any +aggression or encroachment upon the general welfare as soon as +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page64" name="page64"></a>[pg +64]</span>a considerable body of voters had banded together to +undertake it. A notable instance has been recorded by Bamscot in +his great work, “Some Evil Civilizations.” After the +first of America’s great intestinal wars the surviving +victors formed themselves into an organization which seems at first +to have been purely social and benevolent, but afterward fell into +the hands of rapacious politicians who in order to preserve their +power corrupted their followers by distributing among them enormous +sums of money exacted from the government by threats of overturning +it. In less than a half century after the war in which they had +served, so great was the fear which they inspired in whatever party +controlled the national treasury that the total sum of their +exactions was no less annually than seventeen million +<em>prastams</em>! As Dumbleshaw naïvely puts it, +“having saved their country, these gallant gentlemen +naturally took it for themselves.” The eventual massacre of +the remnant of this hardy and impenitent organization by the labor +unions more accustomed to the use of arms is beyond the province of +this monograph to relate. The matter is mentioned at all only +because it is a typical example of the open robbery that marked +that period <span class="pagenum"><a id="page65" name= +"page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>of the republic’s brief and +inglorious existence; the Grand Army, as it called itself, was no +worse and no better than scores of other organizations having no +purpose but plunder and no method but menace. A little later nearly +all classes and callings became organized conspiracies, each +seeking an unfair advantage through laws which the party in power +had not the firmness to withhold, nor the party hoping for power +the courage to oppose. The climax of absurdity in this direction +was reached in 1918, when an association of barbers, known as +Noblemen of the Razor, procured from the parliament of the country +a law giving it a representative in the President’s Cabinet, +and making it a misdemeanor to wear a beard.</p> +<p>In Soseby’s “History of Popular Government” he +mentions “a monstrous political practice known as +‘Protection to American Industries.’” Modern +research has not ascertained precisely what it was; it is known +rather from its effects than in its true character, but from what +we can learn of it to-day I am disposed to number it among those +malefic agencies concerned in the destruction of the American +republics, particularly the Connected States, although it appears +not to have <span class="pagenum"><a id="page66" name= +"page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>been peculiar to “popular +government.” Some of the contemporary monarchies of Europe +were afflicted with it, but by the divine favor which ever guards a +throne its disastrous effects were averted. +“Protection” consisted in a number of extraordinary +expedients, the purposes of which and their relations to one +another cannot with certainty be determined in the present state of +our knowledge. Debrethin and others agree that one feature of it +was the support, by general taxation, of a few favored citizens in +public palaces, where they passed their time in song and dance and +all kinds of revelry. They were not, however, altogether idle, +being required out of the sums bestowed upon them, to employ a +certain number of men each in erecting great piles of stone and +pulling them down again, digging holes in the ground and then +filling them with earth, pouring water into casks and then drawing +it off, and so forth. The unhappy laborers were subject to the most +cruel oppressions, but the knowledge that their wages came from the +pockets of those whom their work nowise benefited was so gratifying +to them that nothing could induce them to leave the service of +their heartless employers to engage in lighter and more useful +labor.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page67" name="page67"></a>[pg +67]</span>Another characteristic of “Protection” was +the maintenance at the principal seaports of +“customs-houses,” which were strong fortifications +armed with heavy guns for the purpose of destroying or driving away +the trading ships of foreign nations. It was this that caused the +Connected States to be known abroad as the “Hermit +Republic,” a name of which its infatuated citizens were +strangely proud, although they had themselves sent armed ships to +open the ports of Japan and other Oriental countries to their own +commerce. In their own case, if a foreign ship came empty and +succeeded in evading the fire of the “customs-house,” +as sometimes occurred, she was permitted to take away a cargo.</p> +<p>It is obvious that such a system was distinctly evil, but it +must be confessed our uncertainty regarding the whole matter of +“Protection” does not justify us in assigning it a +definite place among the causes of national decay. That in some way +it produced an enormous revenue is certain, and that the method was +dishonest is no less so; for this revenue—known as a +“surplus”—was so abhorred while it lay in the +treasury that all were agreed upon the expediency of getting +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page68" name="page68"></a>[pg +68]</span>rid of it, two great political parties existing for +apparently no other purpose than the patriotic one of taking it +out.</p> +<p>But how, it may be asked, could people so misgoverned get on, +even as well as they did?</p> +<p>From the records that have come down to us it does not appear +that they got on very well. They were preyed upon by all sorts of +political adventurers, whose power in most instances was limited +only by the contemporaneous power of other political adventurers +equally unscrupulous. A full half of the taxes wrung from them was +stolen. Their public lands, millions of square miles, were parceled +out among banded conspirators. Their roads and the streets of their +cities were nearly impassable. Their public buildings, conceived in +abominable taste and representing enormous sums of money, which +never were used in their construction, began to tumble about the +ears of the workmen before they were completed. The most delicate +and important functions of government were intrusted to men with +neither knowledge, heart nor experience, who by their corruption +imperiled the public interest and by their blundering disgraced the +national name. In short, all the train of evils inseparable from +government <span class="pagenum"><a id="page69" name= +"page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>of any kind beset this unhappy people +with tenfold power, together with hundreds of worse ones peculiar +to their own faulty and unnatural system. It was thought that their +institutions would give them peace, yet in the first three-quarters +of a century of their existence they fought three important wars: +one of revenge, one of aggression and one—the bloodiest and +most wasteful known up to that time—among themselves. And +before a century and a half had passed they had the humiliation to +see many of their seaport cities destroyed by the Emperor of Japan +in a quarrel which they had themselves provoked by their greed of +Oriental dominion.</p> +<p>By far the most important factor concerned in bringing about the +dissolution of the republic and the incredible horrors that +followed it was what was known as “the contest between +capital and labor.” This momentous struggle began in a rather +singular way through an agitation set afoot by certain ambitious +women who preached at first to inattentive and inhospitable ears, +but with ever increasing acceptance, the doctrine of equality of +the sexes, and demanded the “emancipation” of woman. +True, woman was already an object of worship and had, as noted +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page70" name="page70"></a>[pg +70]</span>before, the right to kill. She was treated with profound +and sincere deference, because of certain humble virtues, the +product of her secluded life. Men of that time appear to have felt +for women, in addition to religious reverence, a certain sentiment +known as “love.” The nature of this feeling is not +clearly known to us, and has been for ages a matter of controversy +evolving more heat than light. This much is plain: it was largely +composed of good will, and had its root in woman’s +dependence. Perhaps it had something of the character of the +benevolence with which we regard our slaves, our children and our +domestic animals—everything, in fact, that is weak, helpless +and inoffensive.</p> +<p>Woman was not satisfied; her superserviceable advocates taught +her to demand the right to vote, to hold office, to own property, +to enter into employment in competition with man. Whatever she +demanded she eventually got. With the effect upon her we are not +here concerned; the predicted gain to political purity did not +ensue, nor did commercial integrity receive any stimulus from her +participation in commercial pursuits. What indubitably did ensue +was a more sharp and bitter competition in the industrial world +through this increase <span class="pagenum"><a id="page71" name= +"page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>of more than thirty per cent, in its +wage-earning population. In no age nor country has there ever been +sufficient employment for those requiring it. The effect of so +enormously increasing the already disproportionate number of +workers in a single generation could be no other than disastrous. +Every woman employed displaced or excluded some man, who, compelled +to seek a lower employment, displaced another, and so on, until the +least capable or most unlucky of the series became a tramp—a +nomadic mendicant criminal! The number of these dangerous vagrants +in the beginning of the twentieth century of their era has been +estimated by Holobom at no less than seven and a half +<em>blukuks</em>! Of course, they were as tow to the fires of +sedition, anarchy and insurrection. It does not very nearly relate +to our present purpose, but it is impossible not to note in passing +that this unhappy result, directly flowing from woman’s +invasion of the industrial field, was unaccompanied by any material +advantage to herself. Individual women, here and there one, may +themselves have earned the support that they would otherwise not +have received, but the sex as a whole was not benefited. They +provided for themselves no better than <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page72" name="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>they had previously been +provided for, and would still have been provided for, by the men +whom they displaced. The whole somber incident is unrelieved by a +single gleam of light.</p> +<p>Previously to this invasion of the industrial field by woman +there had arisen conditions that were in themselves peculiarly +menacing to the social fabric. Some of the philosophers of the +period, rummaging amongst the dubious and misunderstood facts of +commercial and industrial history, had discovered what they were +pleased to term “the law of supply and demand”; and +this they expounded with so ingenious a sophistry, and so copious a +wealth of illustration and example that what is at best but a +faulty and imperfectly applicable principle, limited and cut into +by all manner of other considerations, came to be accepted as the +sole explanation and basis of material prosperity and an infallible +rule for the proper conduct of industrial affairs. In obedience to +this “law”—for, interpreting it in its straitest +sense they understood it to be mandatory—employers and +employees alike regulated by its iron authority all their dealings +with one another, throwing off the immemorial relations of mutual +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a>[pg +73]</span>dependence and mutual esteem as tending to interfere with +beneficent operation. The employer came to believe conscientiously +that it was not only profitable and expedient, but under all +circumstances his duty, to obtain his labor for as little money as +possible, even as he sold its product for as much. Considerations +of humanity were not banished from his heart, but most sternly +excluded from his business. Many of these misguided men would give +large sums to various charities; would found universities, +hospitals, libraries; would even stop on their way to relieve +beggars in the street; but for their own work-people they had no +care. Straman relates in his “Memoirs” that a wealthy +manufacturer once said to one of his mill-hands who had asked for +an increase of his wages because unable to support his family on +the pay that he was getting: “Your family is nothing to me. I +cannot afford to mix benevolence with my business.” Yet this +man, the author adds, had just given a thousand <em>drusoes</em> to +a “sea-man’s home.” He could afford to care for +other men’s employees, but not for his own. He could not see +that the act which he performed as truly, and to the same degree, +cut down his margin of profit in his business as the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>act which +he refused to perform would have done, and had not the advantage of +securing him better service from a grateful workman.</p> +<p>On their part the laborers were no better. Their relations to +their employers being “purely commercial,” as it was +called, they put no heart into their work, seeking ever to do as +little as possible for their money, precisely as their employers +sought to pay as little as possible for the work they got. The +interests of the two classes being thus antagonized, they grew to +distrust and hate each other, and each accession of ill feeling +produced acts which tended to broaden the breach more and more. +There was neither cheerful service on the one side nor ungrudging +payment on the other.</p> +<p>The harder industrial conditions generated by woman’s +irruption into a new domain of activity produced among laboring men +a feeling of blind discontent and concern. Like all men in +apprehension, they drew together for mutual protection, they knew +not clearly against what. They formed “labor unions,” +and believed them to be something new and effective in the +betterment of their condition; whereas, from the earliest +historical times, in Rome, in Greece, in Egypt, in Assyria, labor +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a>[pg +75]</span>unions with their accepted methods of +“striking” and rioting had been discredited by an +almost unbroken record of failure. One of the oldest manuscripts +then in existence, preserved in a museum at Turin, but now lost, +related how the workmen employed in the necropolis at Thebes, +dissatisfied with their allowance of corn and oil, had refused to +work, broken out of their quarters and, after much rioting, been +subdued by the arrows of the military. And such, despite the +sympathies and assistance of brutal mobs of the populace, was +sometimes the end of the American “strike.” Originally +organized for self-protection, and for a time partly successful, +these leagues became great tyrannies, so reasonless in their +demands and so unscrupulous in their methods of enforcing them that +the laws were unable to deal with them, and frequently the military +forces of the several States were ordered out for the protection of +life and property; but in most cases the soldiers fraternized with +the leagues, ran away, or were easily defeated. The cruel and +mindless mobs had always the hypocritical sympathy and +encouragement of the newspapers and the politicians, for both +feared their power and courted their favor. The judges, dependent +for their offices not <span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name= +"page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>only on “the labor vote,” +but, to obtain it, on the approval of the press and the +politicians, boldly set aside the laws against conspiracy and +strained to the utmost tension those relating to riot, arson and +murder. To such a pass did all this come that in the year 1931 an +inn-keeper’s denial of a half-holiday to an under-cook +resulted in the peremptory closing of half the factories in the +country, the stoppage of all railroad travel and movement of +freight by land and water and a general paralysis of the industries +of the land. Many thousands of families, including those of the +“strikers” and their friends, suffered from famine; +armed conflicts occurred in every State; hundreds were slain and +incalculable amounts of property wrecked and destroyed.</p> +<p>Failure, however, was inherent in the method, for success +depended upon unanimity, and the greater the membership of the +unions and the more serious their menace to the industries of the +country, the higher was the premium for defection; and at last +strike-breaking became a regular employment, organized, officered +and equipped for the service required by the wealth and +intelligence that directed it. From that moment the doom of labor +unionism was decreed and inevitable. <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page77" name="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>But labor unionism did not +live long enough to die that way.</p> +<p>Naturally combinations of labor entailed combinations of +capital. These were at first purely protective. They were brought +into being by the necessity of resisting the aggressions of the +others. But the trick of combination once learned, it was seen to +have possibilities of profit in directions not dreamed of by its +early promoters; its activities were not long confined to fighting +the labor unions with their own weapons and with superior cunning +and address. The shrewd and energetic men whose capacity and +commercial experience had made them rich while the laborers +remained poor were not slow to discern the advantages of +coöperation over their own former method of competition among +themselves. They continued to fight the labor unions, but ceased to +fight one another. The result was that in the brief period of two +generations almost the entire business of the country fell into the +hands of a few gigantic corporations controlled by bold and +unscrupulous men, who, by daring and ingenious methods, made the +body of the people pay tribute to their greed.</p> +<p>In a country where money was all-powerful <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>the power +of money was used without stint and without scruple. Judges were +bribed to do their duty, juries to convict, newspapers to support +and legislators to betray their constituents and pass the most +oppressive laws. By these corrupt means, and with the natural +advantage of greater skill in affairs and larger experience in +concerted action, the capitalists soon restored their ancient reign +and the state of the laborer was worse than it had ever been +before. Straman says that in his time two millions of unoffending +workmen in the various industries were once discharged without +warning and promptly arrested as vagrants and deprived of their +ears because a sulking canal-boatman had kicked his captain’s +dog into the water. And the dog was a retriever.</p> +<p>Had the people been honest and intelligent, as the politicians +affirmed them to be, the combination of capital could have worked +no public injury—would, in truth, have been a great public +benefit. It enormously reduced the expense of production and +distribution, assured greater permanency of employment, opened +better opportunities to general and special aptitude, gave an +improved product, and at first supplied it at a reduced price. +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a>[pg +79]</span>Its crowning merit was that the industries of the +country, being controlled by a few men from a central source, could +themselves be easily controlled by law if law had been honestly +administered. Under the old order of scattered jurisdictions, +requiring a multitude of actions at law, little could be done, and +little was done, to put a check on commercial greed; under the new, +much was possible, and at times something was accomplished. But not +for long; the essential dishonesty of the American character +enabled these capable and conscienceless +managers—“captains of industry” and “kings +of finance”—to buy with money advantages and immunities +superior to those that the labor unions could obtain by menaces and +the promise of votes. The legislatures, the courts, the executive +officers, all the sources of authority and springs of control, were +defiled and impested until right and justice fled affrighted from +the land, and the name of the country became a stench in the +nostrils of the world.</p> +<p>Let us pause in our narrative to say here that much of the abuse +of the so-called “trusts” by their victims took no +account of the folly, stupidity and greed of the victims +themselves. A favorite method by which the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page80" name="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>great +corporations crushed out the competition of the smaller ones and of +the “individual dealers” was by underselling +them—a method made possible by nothing but the selfishness of +the purchasing consumers who loudly complained of it. These could +have stood by their neighbor, the “small dealer,” if +they had wanted to, and no underselling could, have been done. When +the trust lowered the price of its product they eagerly took the +advantage offered, then cursed the trust for ruining the small +dealer. When it raised the price they cursed it for ruining +themselves. It is not easy to see what the trust could have done +that would have been acceptable, nor is it surprising that it soon +learned to ignore their clamor altogether and impenitently plunder +those whom it could not hope to appease.</p> +<p>Another of the many sins justly charged against the “kings +of finance” was this: They would buy properties worth, say, +ten millions of “dollars” (the value of the dollar is +now unknown) and issue stock upon it to the face value of, say, +fifty millions. This their clamorous critics called +“creating” for themselves forty millions of dollars. +They created nothing; the stock had no dishonest value unless +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page81" name="page81"></a>[pg +81]</span>sold, and even at the most corrupt period of the +government nobody was compelled by law to buy. In nine cases in ten +the person who bought did so in the hope and expectation of getting +much for little and something for nothing. The buyer was no better +than the seller. He was a gambler. He “played against the +game of the man who kept the table” (as the phrase went), and +naturally he lost. Naturally, too, he cried out, but his +lamentations, though echoed shrilly by the demagogues, seem to have +been unavailing. Even the rudimentary intelligence of that +primitive people discerned the impracticability of laws forbidding +the seller to set his own price on the thing he would sell and +declare it worth that price. Then, as now, nobody had to believe +him. Of the few who bought these “watered” stocks in +good faith as an investment in the honest hope of dividends it +seems sufficient to say, in the words of an ancient Roman, +“Against stupidity the gods themselves are powerless.” +Laws that would adequately protect the foolish from the consequence +of their folly would put an end to all commerce. The sin of +“over-capitalization” differed in magnitude only, not +in kind, from the daily practice of every salesman <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>in every +shop. Nevertheless, the popular fury that it aroused must be +reckoned among the main causes contributory to the savage +insurrections that accomplished the downfall of the republic.</p> +<p>With the formation of powerful and unscrupulous trusts of both +labor and capital to subdue each other the possibilities of +combination were not exhausted; there remained the daring plan of +combining the two belligerents! And this was actually effected. The +laborer’s demand for an increased wage was always based upon +an increased cost of living, which was itself chiefly due to +increased cost of production from reluctant concessions of his +former demands. But in the first years of the twentieth century +observers noticed on the part of capital a lessening reluctance. +More frequent and more extortionate and reasonless demands +encountered a less bitter and stubborn resistance; capital was +apparently weakening just at the time when, with its strong +organizations of trained and willing strike-breakers, it was most +secure. Not so; an ingenious malefactor, whose name has perished +from history, had thought out a plan for bringing the belligerent +forces together to plunder the rest of the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page83" name="page83"></a>[pg +83]</span>population. In the accounts that have come down to us +details are wanting, but we know that, little by little, this +amazing project was accomplished. Wages rose to incredible rates. +The cost of living rose with them, for employers—their new +allies wielding in their service the weapons previously used +against them, intimidation, the boycott, and so forth—more +than recouped themselves from the general public. Their employees +got rebates on the prices of products, but for consumers who were +neither laborers nor capitalists there was no mercy. Strikes were a +thing of the past; strike-breakers threw themselves gratefully into +the arms of the unions; “industrial discontent” +vanished, in the words of a contemporary poet, “as by the +stroke of an enchanter’s wand.” All was peace, +tranquillity and order! Then the storm broke.</p> +<p>A man in St. Louis purchased a sheep’s kidney for +seven-and-a-half dollars. In his rage at the price he exclaimed: +“As a public man I have given twenty of the best years of my +life to bringing about a friendly understanding between capital and +labor. I have succeeded, and may God have mercy on my meddlesome +soul!”</p> +<p>The remark was resented, a riot ensued, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page84" name="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span>and when +the sun went down that evening his last beams fell upon a city +reeking with the blood of a hundred millionaires and twenty +thousand citizens and sons of toil!</p> +<p>Students of the history of those troublous times need not to be +told what other and more awful events followed that bloody +reprisal. Within forty-eight hours the country was ablaze with +insurrection, followed by intestinal wars which lasted three +hundred and seventy years and were marked by such hideous +barbarities as the modern historian can hardly bring himself to +relate. The entire stupendous edifice of popular government, temple +and citadel of fallacies and abuses, had crashed to ruin. For +centuries its fallen columns and scattered stones sheltered an ever +diminishing number of skulking anarchists, succeeded by hordes of +skin-clad savages subsisting on offal and raw flesh—the +race-remnant of an extinct civilization. All finally vanished from +history into a darkness impenetrable to conjecture.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In concluding this hasty and imperfect sketch I cannot forbear +to relate an episode of the destructive and unnatural contest +between labor and capital, which I find recorded <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page85" name="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span>in the +almost forgotten work of Antrolius, who was an eye-witness to the +incident.</p> +<p>At a time when the passions of both parties were most inflamed +and scenes of violence most frequent it was somehow noised about +that at a certain hour of a certain day some one—none could +say who—would stand upon the steps of the Capitol and speak +to the people, expounding a plan for reconciliation of all +conflicting interests and pacification of the quarrel. At the +appointed hour thousands had assembled to hear—glowering +capitalists attended by hireling body-guards with firearms, sullen +laborers with dynamite bombs concealed in their clothing. All eyes +were directed to the specified spot, where suddenly appeared (none +saw whence—it seemed as if he had been there all the time, +such his tranquillity) a tall, pale man clad in a long robe, +bare-headed, his hair falling lightly upon his shoulders, his eyes +full of compassion, and with such majesty of face and mien that all +were awed to silence ere he spoke. Stepping slowly forward toward +the throng and raising his right hand from the elbow, the index +finger extended upward, he said, in a voice ineffably sweet and +serious: <span class="pagenum"><a id="page86" name="page86"></a>[pg +86]</span>“Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, +even so do ye also unto them.”</p> +<p>These strange words he repeated in the same solemn tones three +times; then, as the expectant multitude waited breathless for his +discourse, stepped quietly down into the midst of them, every one +afterward declaring that he passed within a pace of where himself +had stood. For a moment the crowd was speechless with surprise and +disappointment, then broke into wild, fierce cries: “Lynch +him, lynch him!” and some have testified that they heard the +word “crucify.” Struggling into looser order, the +infuriated mob started in mad pursuit; but each man ran a different +way and the stranger was seen again by none of them.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page87" name="page87"></a>[pg +87]</span></p> +<h2><a id="landbeyond" name="landbeyond">The Land Beyond the +Blow</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<h4>(After the method of Swift, who followed Lucian, and was +himself followed by Voltaire and many others.)</h4> +<!-- [pg 88] --> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page89" name="page89"></a>[pg +89]</span></p> +<h3><a id="thither" name="thither">Thither</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A crowd of men were assisting at a dog-fight. The scene was one +of indescribable confusion. In the center of the tumult the dogs, +obscure in a cloud of dust, rolled over and over, howling, yarring, +tearing each other with sickening ferocity. About them the hardly +less ferocious men shouted, cursed and struck, encouraged the +animals with sibilant utterances and threatened with awful forms of +death and perdition all who tried to put an end to the combat. +Caught in the thick of this pitiless mob I endeavored to make my +way to a place of peace, when a burly blackguard, needlessly +obstructing me, said derisively:</p> +<p>“I guess you are working pockets.”</p> +<p>“You are a liar!” I retorted hotly.</p> +<p>That is all the provocation that I remember to have given.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page90" name="page90"></a>[pg +90]</span></p> +<h3><a id="sons" name="sons">Sons of the Fair Star</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>When consciousness returned the sun was high in the heavens, yet +the light was dim, and had that indefinable ghastly quality that is +observed during a partial eclipse. The sun itself appeared +singularly small, as if it were at an immensely greater distance +than usual. Rising with some difficulty to my feet, I looked about +me. I was in an open space among some trees growing on the slope of +a mountain range whose summit on the one hand was obscured by a +mist of a strange pinkish hue, and on the other rose into peaks +glittering with snow. Skirting the base at a distance of two or +three miles flowed a wide river, and beyond it a nearly level plain +stretched away to the horizon, dotted with villages and farmhouses +and apparently in a high state of cultivation. All was unfamiliar +in its every aspect. The trees were unlike any that I had ever seen +or even imagined, the trunks being mostly square and the foliage +consisting of slender filaments resembling hair, in many instances +long enough to reach the earth. It was of many <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page91" name="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span>colors, +and I could not perceive that there was any prevailing one, as +green is in the vegetation to which I was accustomed. As far as I +could see there were no grass, no weeds, no flowers; the earth was +covered with a kind of lichen, uniformly blue. Instead of rocks, +great masses of metals protruded here and there, and above me on +the mountain were high cliffs of what seemed to be bronze veined +with brass. No animals were visible, but a few birds as uncommon in +appearance as their surroundings glided through the air or perched +upon the rocks. I say glided, for their motion was not true flight, +their wings being mere membranes extended parallel to their sides, +and having no movement independent of the body. The bird was, so to +say, suspended between them and moved forward by quick strokes of a +pair of enormously large webbed feet, precisely as a duck propels +itself in water. All these things excited in me no surprise, nor +even curiosity; they were merely unfamiliar. That which most +interested me was what appeared to be a bridge several miles away, +up the river, and to this I directed my steps, crossing over from +the barren and desolate hills to the populous plain.</p> +<p>For a full history of my life and adventures <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page92" name="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span>in +Mogon-Zwair, and a detailed description of the country, its people, +their manners and customs, I must ask the reader to await the +publication of a book, now in the press, entitled <em>A Blackened +Eye</em>; in this brief account I can give only a few of such +particulars as seem instructive by contrast with our own +civilization.</p> +<p>The inhabitants of Mogon-Zwair call themselves Golampis, a word +signifying Sons of the Fair Star. Physically they closely resemble +ourselves, being in all respects the equals of the highest +Caucasian type. Their hair, however, has a broader scheme of color, +hair of every hue known to us, and even of some imperceptible to my +eyes but brilliant to theirs, being too common to excite remark. A +Golampian assemblage with uncovered heads resembles, indeed, a +garden of flowers, vivid and deep in color, no two alike. They wear +no clothing of any kind, excepting for adornment and protection +from the weather, resembling in this the ancient Greeks and the +Japanese of yesterday; nor was I ever able to make them comprehend +that clothing could be worn for those reasons for which it is +chiefly worn among ourselves. They are destitute of those feelings +of delicacy and refinement <span class="pagenum"><a id="page93" +name="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span>which distinguish us from the lower +animals, and which, in the opinion of our acutest and most pious +thinkers, are evidences of our close relation to the Power that +made us.</p> +<p>Among this people certain ideas which are current among +ourselves as mere barren faiths expressed in disregarded platitudes +receive a practical application to the affairs of life. For +example, they hold, with the best, wisest and most experienced of +our own race, and one other hereafter to be described, that wealth +does not bring happiness and is a misfortune and an evil. None but +the most ignorant and depraved, therefore, take the trouble to +acquire or preserve it. A rich Golampi is naturally regarded with +contempt and suspicion, is shunned by the good and respectable and +subjected to police surveillance. Accustomed to a world where the +rich man is profoundly and justly respected for his goodness and +wisdom (manifested in part by his own deprecatory protests against +the wealth of which, nevertheless, he is apparently unable to rid +himself) I was at first greatly pained to observe the contumelious +manner of the Golampis toward this class of men, carried in some +instances to the length <span class="pagenum"><a id="page94" name= +"page94"></a>[pg 94]</span>of personal violence; a popular +amusement being the pelting them with coins. These the victims +would carefully gather from the ground and carry away with them, +thus increasing their hoard and making themselves all the more +liable to popular indignities.</p> +<p>When the cultivated and intelligent Golampi finds himself +growing too wealthy he proceeds to get rid of his surplus riches by +some one of many easy expedients. One of these I have just +described; another is to give his excess to those of his own class +who have not sufficient to buy employment and so escape leisure, +which is considered the greatest evil of all. +“Idleness,” says one of their famous authors, “is +the child of poverty and the parent of discontent”; and +another great writer says: “No one is without employment; the +indolent man works for his enemies.”</p> +<p>In conformity to these ideas the Golampis—all but the +ignorant and vicious rich—look upon labor as the highest +good, and the man who is so unfortunate as not to have enough money +to purchase employment in some useful industry will rather engage +in a useless one than not labor at all. It is not unusual to see +hundreds of men carrying water from a <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page95" name="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span>river and pouring it into +a natural ravine or artificial channel, through which it runs back +into the stream. Frequently a man is seen conveying stones—or +the masses of metal which there correspond to stones—from one +pile to another. When all have been heaped in a single place he +will convey them back again, or to a new place, and so proceed +until darkness puts an end to the work. This kind of labor, +however, does not confer the satisfaction derived from the +consciousness of being useful, and is never performed by any person +having the means to hire another to employ him in some beneficial +industry. The wages usually paid to employers are from three to six +<em>balukan</em> a day. This statement may seem incredible, but I +solemnly assure the reader that I have known a bad workman or a +feeble woman to pay as high as eight; and there have been instances +of men whose incomes had outgrown their desires paying even +more.</p> +<p>Labor being a luxury which only those in easy circumstances can +afford, the poor are the more eager for it, not only because it is +denied them, but because it is a sign of respectability. Many of +them, therefore, indulge in it on credit and soon find themselves +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page96" name="page96"></a>[pg +96]</span>deprived of what little property they had to satisfy +their hardfisted employers. A poor woman once complained to me that +her husband spent every <em>rylat</em> that he could get in the +purchase of the most expensive kinds of employment, while she and +the children were compelled to content themselves with such cheap +and coarse activity as dragging an old wagon round and round in a +small field which a kind-hearted neighbor permitted them to use for +the purpose. I afterward saw this improvident husband and unnatural +father. He had just squandered all the money he had been able to +beg or borrow in buying six tickets, which entitled the holder to +that many days’ employment in pitching hay into a barn. A +week later I met him again. He was broken in health, his limbs +trembled, his walk was an uncertain shuffle. Clearly he was +suffering from overwork. As I paused by the wayside to speak to him +a wagon loaded with hay was passing. He fixed his eyes upon it with +a hungry, wolfish glare, clutched a pitchfork and leaned eagerly +forward, watching the vanishing wagon with breathless attention and +heedless of my salutation. That night he was arrested, streaming +with perspiration, in the unlawful act of unloading <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page97" name="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span>that hay +and putting it into its owner’s barn. He was tried, convicted +and sentenced to six months’ detention in the House of +Indolence.</p> +<p>The whole country is infested by a class of criminal vagrants +known as <em>strambaltis</em>, or, as we should say, +“tramps.” These persons prowl about among the farms and +villages begging for work in the name of charity. Sometimes they +travel in groups, as many as a dozen together, and then the farmer +dares not refuse them; and before he can notify the constabulary +they will have performed a great deal of the most useful labor that +they can find to do and escaped without paying a <em>rylat</em>. +One trustworthy agriculturist assured me that his losses in one +year from these depredations amounted to no less a sum than seven +hundred <em>balukan</em>! On nearly all the larger and more +isolated farms a strong force of guards is maintained during the +greater part of the year to prevent these outrages, but they are +frequently overpowered, and sometimes prove unfaithful to their +trust by themselves working secretly by night.</p> +<p>The Golampi priesthood has always denounced overwork as a deadly +sin, and declared useless and apparently harmless work, such as +carrying water from the river and letting <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page98" name="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span>it flow in +again, a distinct violation of the divine law, in which, however, I +could never find any reference to the matter; but there has +recently risen a sect which holds that all labor being pleasurable, +each kind in its degree is immoral and wicked. This sect, which +embraces many of the most holy and learned men, is rapidly +spreading and becoming a power in the state. It has, of course, no +churches, for these cannot be built without labor, and its members +commonly dwell in caves and live upon such roots and berries as can +be easily gathered, of which the country produces a great abundance +though all are exceedingly unpalatable. These <em>Gropoppsu</em> +(as the members of this sect call themselves) pass most of their +waking hours sitting in the sunshine with folded hands, +contemplating their navels; by the practice of which austerity they +hope to obtain as reward an eternity of hard labor after death.</p> +<p>The Golampis are an essentially pious and religious race. There +are few, indeed, who do not profess at least one religion. They are +nearly all, in a certain sense, polytheists: they worship a supreme +and beneficent deity by one name or another, but all believe in the +existence of a subordinate and malevolent <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page99" name="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span>one, whom +also, while solemnly execrating him in public rites, they hold at +heart in such reverence that needlessly to mention his name or that +of his dwelling is considered sin of a rank hardly inferior to +blasphemy. I am persuaded that this singular tenderness toward a +being whom their theology represents as an abominable monster, the +origin of all evil and the foe to souls, is a survival of an +ancient propitiatory adoration. Doubtless this wicked deity was +once so feared that his conciliation was one of the serious +concerns of life. He is probably as greatly feared now as at any +former time, but is apparently less hated, and is by some honestly +admired.</p> +<p>It is interesting to observe the important place held in +Golampian affairs by religious persecution. The Government is a +pure theocracy, all the Ministers of State and the principal +functionaries in every department of control belonging to the +priesthood of the dominant church. It is popularly believed in +Mogon-Zwair that persecution, even to the extent of taking life, is +in the long run beneficial to the cause enduring it. This belief +has, indeed, been crystallized into a popular proverb, not capable +of accurate translation <span class="pagenum"><a id="page100" name= +"page100"></a>[pg 100]</span>into our tongue, but to the effect +that martyrs fertilize religion by pouring out their blood about +its roots. Acting upon this belief with their characteristically +logical and conscientious directness, the sacerdotal rulers of the +country mercilessly afflict the sect to which themselves belong. +They arrest its leading members on false charges, throw them into +loathsome and unwholesome dungeons, subject them to the crudest +tortures and sometimes put them to death. The provinces in which +the state religion is especially strong are occasionally raided and +pillaged by government soldiery, recruited for the purpose by +conscription among the dissenting sects, and are sometimes actually +devastated with fire and sword. The result is not altogether +confirmatory of the popular belief and does not fulfil the pious +hope of the governing powers who are cruel to be kind. The +vitalizing efficacy of persecution is not to be doubted, but the +persecuted of too feeble faith frequently thwart its beneficent +intent and happy operation by apostasy.</p> +<p>Having in mind the horrible torments which a Golampian general +had inflicted upon the population of a certain town I once ventured +to protest to him that so dreadful a <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page101" name="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span>sum of suffering, +seeing that it did not accomplish its purpose, was needless and +unwise.</p> +<p>“Needless and unwise it may be,” said he, “and +I am disposed to admit that the result which I expected from it has +not followed; but why do you speak of the <em>sum</em> of +suffering? I tortured those people in but a single, simple +way—by skinning their legs.”</p> +<p>“Ah, that is very true,” said I, “but you +skinned the legs of one thousand.”</p> +<p>“And what of that?” he asked. “Can one +thousand, or ten thousand, or any number of persons suffer more +agony than one? A man may have his leg broken, then his nails +pulled out, then be seared with a hot iron. Here is suffering added +to suffering, and the effect is really cumulative. In the true +mathematical sense it is a <em>sum</em> of suffering. A single +person can experience it. But consider, my dear sir. How can you +add one man’s agony to another’s? They are not addable +quantities. Each is an individual pain, unaffected by the other. +The limit of anguish which ingenuity can inflict is that utmost +pang which one man has the vitality to endure.”</p> +<p>I was convinced but not silenced.</p> +<p>The Golampians all believe, singularly enough, that truth +possesses some inherent vitality <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page102" name="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span>and power that give it +an assured prevalence over falsehood; that a good name cannot be +permanently defiled and irreparably ruined by detraction, but, like +a star, shines all the brighter for the shadow through which it is +seen; that justice cannot be stayed by injustice; that vice is +powerless against virtue. I could quote from their great writers +hundreds of utterances affirmative of these propositions. One of +their poets, for example, has some striking and original lines, of +which the following is a literal but unmetrical translation:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A man who is in the right has three arms,</p> +<p>But he whose conscience is rotten with wrong</p> +<p>Is stripped and confined in a metal cell.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Imbued with these beliefs, the Golampis think it hardly worth +while to be truthful, to abstain from slander, to do justice and to +avoid vicious actions. “The practice,” they say, +“of deceit, calumniation, oppression and immorality cannot +have any sensible and lasting injurious effect, and it is most +agreeable to the mind and heart. Why should there be personal +self-denial without commensurate general advantage?”</p> +<p>In consequence of these false views, affirmed <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page103" name="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span>by +those whom they regard as great and wise, the people of Mogon-Zwair +are, as far as I have observed them, the most conscienceless liars, +cheats, thieves, rakes and all-round, many-sided sinners that ever +were created to be damned. It was, therefore, with inexpressible +joy that I received one day legal notification that I had been +tried in the High Court of Conviction and sentenced to banishment +to Lalugnan. My offense was that I had said that I regarded +consistency as the most detestable of all vices.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page104" name="page104"></a>[pg +104]</span></p> +<h3><a id="gnarmag" name="gnarmag">An Interview with +Gnarmag-Zote</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Mogon-Zwair and Lalugnan, having the misfortune to lie on +opposite sides of a line, naturally hate each other; so each +country sends its dangerous political criminals into the other, +where they usually enjoy high honors and are sometimes elevated to +important office under the crown. I was therefore received in +Lalugnan with hospitality and given every encouragement in +prosecuting my researches into the history and intellectual life of +the people. They are so extraordinary a people, inhabiting so +marvelous a country, that everything which the traveler sees, hears +or experiences makes a lively and lasting impression upon his mind, +and the labor of a lifetime would be required to relate the +observation of a single year. I shall notice here only one or two +points of national character—those which differ most +conspicuously from ours, and in which, consequently, they are least +worthy.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page105" name="page105"></a>[pg +105]</span>With a fatuity hardly more credible than creditable, the +Lalugwumps, as they call themselves, deny the immortality of the +soul. In all my stay in their country I found only one person who +believed in a life “beyond the grave,” as we should +say, though as the Lalugwumps are cannibals they would say +“beyond the stomach.” In testimony to the consolatory +value of the doctrine of another life, I may say that this one true +believer had in this life a comparatively unsatisfactory lot, for +in early youth he had been struck by a flying stone from a volcano +and had lost a considerable part of his brain.</p> +<p>I cannot better set forth the nature and extent of the +Lalugwumpian error regarding this matter than by relating a +conversation that occurred between me and one of the high officers +of the King’s household—a man whose proficiency in all +the vices of antiquity, together with his service to the realm in +determining the normal radius of curvature in cats’ claws, +had elevated him to the highest plane of political preferment. His +name was Gnarmag-Zote.</p> +<p>“You tell me,” said he, “that the soul is +immaterial. Now, matter is that of which we can have knowledge +through one or more of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page106" name= +"page106"></a>[pg 106]</span>our senses. Of what is +immaterial—not matter—we can gain no knowledge in that +way. How, then, can we know anything about it?”</p> +<p>Perceiving that he did not rightly apprehend my position I +abandoned it and shifted the argument to another ground. +“Consider,” I said, “the analogous case of a +thought. You will hardly call thought material, yet we know there +are thoughts.”</p> +<p>“I beg your pardon, but we do not know that. Thought is +not a thing, therefore cannot <em>be</em> in any such sense, for +example, as the hand <em>is</em>. We use the word +‘thought’ to designate the result of an action of the +brain, precisely as we use the word ‘speed’ to +designate the result of an action of a horse’s legs. But can +it be said that speed <em>exists</em> in the same way as the legs +which produce it exist, or in any way? Is it a thing?”</p> +<p>I was about to disdain to reply, when I saw an old man +approaching, with bowed head, apparently in deep distress. As he +drew near he saluted my distinguished interlocutor in the manner of +the country, by putting out his tongue to its full extent and +moving it slowly from side to side. Gnarmag-Zote acknowledged the +civility by courteously spitting, and the old man, advancing, +seated himself at the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page107" name= +"page107"></a>[pg 107]</span>great officer’s feet, saying: +“Exalted Sir, I have just lost my wife by death, and am in a +most melancholy frame of mind. He who has mastered all the vices of +the ancients and wrested from nature the secret of the normal +curvature of cats’ claws can surely spare from his wisdom a +few rays of philosophy to cheer an old man’s gloom. Pray tell +me what I shall do to assuage my grief.”</p> +<p>The reader can, perhaps, faintly conceive my astonishment when +Gnarmag-Zote gravely replied: “Kill yourself.”</p> +<p>“Surely,” I cried, “you would not have this +honest fellow procure oblivion (since you think that death is +nothing else) by so rash an act!”</p> +<p>“An act that Gnarmag-Zote advises,” he said, coldly, +“is not rash.”</p> +<p>“But death,” I said, “death, whatever else it +may be, is an end of life. This old man is now in sorrow almost +insupportable. But a few days and it will be supportable; a few +months and it will have become no more than a tender melancholy. At +last it will disappear, and in the society of his friends, in the +skill of his cook, the profits of avarice, the study of how to be +querulous and in the pursuit of loquacity, he will again experience +the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page108" name="page108"></a>[pg +108]</span>joys of age. Why for a present grief should he deprive +himself of all future happiness?”</p> +<p>Gnarmag-Zote looked upon me with something like compassion. +“My friend,” said he, “guest of my sovereign and +my country, know that in any circumstances, even those upon which +true happiness is based and conditioned, death is preferable to +life. The sum of miseries in any life (here in Lalugnan at least) +exceeds the sum of pleasures; but suppose that it did not. Imagine +an existence in which happiness, of whatever intensity, is the +rule, and discomfort, of whatever moderation, the exception. Still +there is some discomfort. There is none in death, for (as it is +given to us to know) that is oblivion, annihilation. True, by dying +one loses his happiness as well as his sorrows, but he is not +conscious of the loss. Surely, a loss of which one will never know, +and which, if it operate to make him less happy, at the same time +takes from him the desire and capacity and need of happiness, +cannot be an evil. That is so intelligently understood among us +here in Lalugnan that suicide is common, and our word for sufferer +is the same as that for fool. If this good man had not been an +idiot he would have taken his life as soon as he was +bereaved.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a>[pg +109]</span>“If what you say of the blessing of death is +true,” I said, smilingly, for I greatly prided myself on the +ingenuity of my thought, “it is unnecessary to commit suicide +through grief for the dead; for the more you love the more glad you +should be that the object of your affection has passed into so +desirable a state as death.”</p> +<p>“So we are—those of us who have cultivated +philosophy, history and logic; but this poor fellow is still under +the domination of feelings inherited from a million ignorant and +superstitious ancestors—for Lalugnan was once as barbarous a +country as your own. The most grotesque and frightful conceptions +of death, and life after death, were current; and now many of even +those whose understandings are emancipated wear upon their feelings +the heavy chain of heredity.”</p> +<p>“But,” said I, “granting for the sake of the +argument which I am about to build upon the concession” (I +could not bring myself to use the idiotic and meaningless phrase, +“for the sake of argument”) “that death, +especially the death of a Lalugwump, is desirable, yet the act of +dying, the transition state between living and being dead, may be +accompanied by the most painful physical, and most terrifying +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page110" name="page110"></a>[pg +110]</span>mental phenomena. The moment of dissolution may seem to +the exalted sensibilities of the moribund a century of +horrors.”</p> +<p>The great man smiled again, with a more intolerable benignity +than before. “There is no such thing as dying,” he +said; “the ‘transition state’ is a creation of +your fancy and an evidence of imperfect reason. One is at any time +either alive or dead. The one condition cannot shade off into the +other. There is no gradation like that between waking and sleeping. +By the way, do you recognize a certain resemblance between death +and a dreamless sleep?”</p> +<p>“Yes—death as you conceive it to be.”</p> +<p>“Well, does any one fear sleep? Do we not seek it, court +it, wish that it may be sound—that is to say, dreamless? We +desire occasional annihilation—wish to be dead for eight and +ten hours at a time. True, we expect to awake, but that +expectation, while it may account for our alacrity in embracing +sleep, cannot alter the character of the state that we cheerfully +go into. Suppose we did <em>not</em> wake in the morning, never did +wake! Would our mental and spiritual condition be in any respect +different through all eternity from what it was during the first +few hours? <span class="pagenum"><a id="page111" name= +"page111"></a>[pg 111]</span>After how many hours does oblivion +begin to be an evil? The man who loves to sleep yet hates to die +might justly be granted everlasting life with everlasting +insomnia.”</p> +<p>Gnarmag-Zote paused and appeared to be lost in the profundity of +his thoughts, but I could easily enough see that he was only taking +breath. The old man whose grief had given this turn to the +conversation had fallen asleep and was roaring in the nose like a +beast. The rush of a river near by, as it poured up a hill from the +ocean, and the shrill singing of several kinds of brilliant +quadrupeds were the only other sounds audible. I waited +deferentially for the great antiquarian, scientist and courtier to +resume, amusing myself meantime by turning over the leaves of an +official report by the Minister of War on a new and improved +process of making thunder from snail slime. Presently the oracle +spoke.</p> +<p>“You have been born,” he said, which was true. +“There was, it follows, a time when you had not been born. As +we reckon time, it was probably some millions of ages. Of this +considerable period you are unable to remember one unhappy moment, +and in point of fact there was none. To a Lalugwump that is +entirely <span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" name= +"page112"></a>[pg 112]</span>conclusive as to the relative values +of consciousness and oblivion, existence and nonexistence, life and +death. This old man lying here at my feet is now, if not dreaming, +as if he had never been born. Would not it be cruel and inhuman to +wake him back to grief? Is it, then, kind to permit him to wake by +the natural action of his own physical energies? I have given him +the advice for which he asked. Believing it good advice, and seeing +him too irresolute to act, it seems my clear duty to assist +him.”</p> +<p>Before I could interfere, even had I dared take the liberty to +do so, Gnarmag-Zote struck the old man a terrible blow upon the +head with his mace of office. The victim turned upon his back, +spread his fingers, shivered convulsively and was dead.</p> +<p>“You need not be shocked,” said the distinguished +assassin, coolly: “I have but performed a sacred duty and +religious rite. The religion (established first in this realm by +King Skanghutch, the sixty-second of that name) consists in the +worship of Death. We have sacred books, some three thousand thick +volumes, said to be written by inspiration of Death himself, whom +no mortal has ever seen, but who is described by our priests as +having <span class="pagenum"><a id="page113" name="page113"></a>[pg +113]</span>the figure of a fat young man with a red face and +wearing an affable smile. In art he is commonly represented in the +costume of a husbandman sowing seeds.</p> +<p>“The priests and sacred books teach that death is the +supreme and only good—that the chief duties of man are, +therefore, assassination and suicide. Conviction of these cardinal +truths is universal among us, but I am sorry to say that many do +not honestly live up to the faith. Most of us are commendably +zealous in assassination, but slack and lukewarm in suicide. Some +justify themselves in this half-hearted observance of the Law and +imperfect submission to the Spirit by arguing that if they destroy +themselves their usefulness in destroying others will be greatly +abridged. ‘I find,’ says one of our most illustrious +writers, not without a certain force, it must be confessed, +‘that I can slay many more of others than I can of +myself.’</p> +<p>“There are still others, more distinguished for faith than +works, who reason that if A kill B, B cannot kill C. So it happens +that although many Lalugwumps die, mostly by the hands of others, +though some by their own, the country is never wholly +depopulated.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page114" name="page114"></a>[pg +114]</span>“In my own country,” said I, “is a +sect holding somewhat Lalugwumpian views of the evil of life; and +among the members it is considered a sin to bestow it. The +philosopher Schopenhauer taught the same doctrine, and many of our +rulers have shown strong sympathetic leanings toward it by +procuring the destruction of many of their own people and those of +other nations in what is called war.”</p> +<p>“They are greatly to be commended,” said +Gnarmag-Zote, rising to intimate that the conversation was at an +end. I respectfully protruded my tongue while he withdrew into his +palace, spitting politely and with unusual copiousness in +acknowledgment. A few minutes later, but before I had left the +spot, two lackeys in livery emerged from the door by which he had +entered, and while one shouldered the body of the old man and +carried it into the palace kitchen the other informed me that his +Highness was graciously pleased to desire my company at dinner that +evening. With many expressions of regret I declined the invitation, +unaware that to do so was treason. With the circumstances of my +escape to the island of Tamtonia the newspapers have made the world +already familiar.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a>[pg +115]</span></p> +<h3><a id="tamtonians" name="tamtonians">The Tamtonians</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In all my intercourse with the Tamtonians I was treated with the +most distinguished consideration and no obstacles to a perfect +understanding of their social and political life were thrown in my +way. My enforced residence on the island was, however, too brief to +enable me to master the whole subject as I should have liked to +do.</p> +<p>The government of Tamtonia is what is known in the language of +the island as a <em>gilbuper</em>. It differs radically from any +form known in other parts of the world and is supposed to have been +invented by an ancient chief of the race, named Natas, who was for +many centuries after his death worshiped as a god, and whose memory +is still held in veneration. The government is of infinite +complexity, its various functions distributed among as many +officers as possible, multiplication of places being regarded as of +the greatest importance, and not so much a means as an end. The +Tamtonians seem to think <span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" +name="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span>that the highest good to which a +human being can attain is the possession of an office; and in order +that as many as possible may enjoy that advantage they have as many +offices as the country will support, and make the tenure brief and +in no way dependent on good conduct and intelligent administration +of official duty. In truth, it occurs usually that a man is turned +out of his office (in favor of an incompetent successor) before he +has acquired sufficient experience to perform his duties with +credit to himself or profit to the country. Owing to this +incredible folly, the affairs of the island are badly mismanaged. +Complaints are the rule, even from those who have had their way in +the choice of officers. Of course there can be no such thing as a +knowledge of the science of government among such a people, for it +is to nobody’s interest to acquire it by study of political +history. There is, indeed, a prevalent belief that nothing worth +knowing is to be learned from the history of other +nations—not even from the history of their errors—such +is this extraordinary people’s national vanity! One of the +most notable consequences of this universal and voluntary ignorance +is that Tamtonia is the home of all the discreditable political +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a>[pg +117]</span>and fiscal heresies from which many other nations, and +especially our own, emancipated themselves centuries ago. They are +there in vigorous growth and full flower, and believed to be of +purely Tamtonian origin.</p> +<p>It needs hardly to be stated that in their personal affairs +these people pursue an entirely different course, for if they did +not there could be no profitable industries and professions among +them, and no property to tax for the support of their government. +In his private business a Tamtonian has as high appreciation of +fitness and experience as anybody, and having secured a good man +keeps him in service as long as possible.</p> +<p>The ruler of the nation, whom they call a <em>Tnediserp</em>, is +chosen every five years but may be rechosen for five more. He is +supposed to be selected by the people themselves, but in reality +they have nothing to do with his selection. The method of choosing +a man for <em>Tnediserp</em> is so strange that I doubt my ability +to make it clear.</p> +<p>The adult male population of the island divides itself into two +or more <em>seitrap</em><sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. The +Tamtonian language forms its plurals most irregularly, but usually +by an initial inflection. It has a certain crude and primitive +grammar, but in point of orthoepy is extremely difficult. With our +letters I can hardly hope to give an accurate conception of its +pronunciation. As nearly as possible I write its words as they +sounded to my ear when carefully spoken for my instruction by +intelligent natives. It is a harsh tongue.</span> Commonly +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page118" name="page118"></a>[pg +118]</span>there are three or four, but only two ever have any +considerable numerical strength, and none is ever strong morally or +intellectually. All the members of each <em>ytrap</em> profess the +same political opinions, which are provided for them by their +leaders every five years and written down on pieces of paper so +that they will not be forgotten. The moment that any Tamtonian has +read his piece of paper, or <em>mroftalp</em>, he unhesitatingly +adopts all the opinions that he finds written on it, sometimes as +many as forty or fifty, although these may be altogether different +from, or even antagonistic to, those with which he was supplied +five years before and has been advocating ever since. It will be +seen from this that the Tamtonian mind is a thing whose processes +no American can hope to respect, or even understand. It is +instantaneously convinced without either fact or argument, and when +these are afterward presented they only confirm it in its +miraculous conviction; those which make against that conviction +having an even stronger confirmatory power than the others. I have +said any Tamtonian, but that is an overstatement. A <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>few +usually persist in thinking as they did before; or in altering +their convictions in obedience to reason instead of authority, as +our own people do; but they are at once assailed with the most +opprobrious names, accused of treason and all manner of crimes, +pelted with mud and stones and in some instances deprived of their +noses and ears by the public executioner. Yet in no country is +independence of thought so vaunted as a virtue, and in none is +freedom of speech considered so obvious a natural right or so +necessary to good government.</p> +<p>At the same time that each <em>ytrap</em> is supplied with its +political opinions for the next five years, its leaders—who, +I am told, all pursue the vocation of sharpening axes—name a +man whom they wish chosen for the office of <em>Tnediserp</em>. He +is usually an idiot from birth, the Tamtonians having a great +veneration for such, believing them to be divinely inspired. +Although few members of the <em>ytrap</em> have ever heard of him +before, they at once believe him to have been long the very +greatest idiot in the country; and for the next few months they do +little else than quote his words and point to his actions to prove +that his idiocy is of entirely superior quality to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page120" name="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>that of +his opponent—a view that he himself, instructed by his +discoverers, does and says all that he can to confirm. His +inarticulate mumblings are everywhere repeated as utterances of +profound wisdom, and the slaver that drools from his chin is +carefully collected and shown to the people, evoking the wildest +enthusiasm of his supporters. His opponents all this time are +trying to blacken his character by the foulest conceivable +falsehoods, some even going so far as to assert that he is not an +idiot at all! It is generally agreed among them that if he were +chosen to office the most dreadful disasters would ensue, and that, +<em>therefore</em>, he will not be chosen.</p> +<p>To this last mentioned conviction, namely that the opposing +candidate (<em>rehtot lacsar</em>) cannot possibly be chosen, I +wish to devote a few words here, for it seems to me one of the most +extraordinary phenomena of the human mind. It implies, of course, a +profound belief in the wisdom of majorities and the error of +minorities. This belief can and does in some mysterious way +co-exist, in the Tamtonian understanding, with the deepest disgust +and most earnest disapproval of a decision which a majority has +made. It is of record, indeed, that one political <em>ytrap</em> +sustained <span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name= +"page121"></a>[pg 121]</span>no fewer than six successive defeats +without at all impairing its conviction that the right side must +win. In each recurring contest this ytrap was as sure that it would +succeed as it had been in all the preceding ones—and sure +<em>because</em> it believed itself in the right! It has been held +by some native observers that this conviction is not actually +entertained, but only professed for the purpose of influencing the +action of others; but this is disproved by the fact that even after +the contest is decided, though the result is unknown—when +nobody’s action can have effect—the leaders +(ax-sharpeners) continue earnestly to “claim” this +province and that, up to the very last moment of uncertainty, and +the common people murder one another in the streets for the crime +of doubting that the man is chosen whom the assassin was pleased to +prefer. When the majority of a province has chosen one candidate +and a majority of the nation another, the mental situation of the +worthy Tamtonian is not over-easy of conception, but there can be +no doubt that his faith in the wisdom of majorities remains +unshaken.</p> +<p>One of the two antagonistic idiots having been chosen as ruler, +it is customary to speak <span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" +name="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>of him as “the choice of +the people,” whereas it is obvious that he is one of the few +men, seldom exceeding two or three, whom it is certainly known that +nearly one-half the people regard as unfit for the position. He is +less certainly “the people’s choice” than any +other man in the country excepting his unsuccessful opponents; for +while it is known that a large body of his countrymen did not want +him, it cannot be known how many of his supporters really preferred +some other person, but had no opportunity to make their preference +effective.</p> +<p>The Tamtonians are very proud of their form of government, which +gives them so much power in selecting their rulers. This power +consists in the privilege of choosing between two men whom but a +few had a voice in selecting from among many millions, any one of +whom the rest might have preferred to either. Yet every Tamtonian +is as vain of possessing this incalculably small influence as if he +were a Warwick in making kings and a Bismarck in using them. He +gives himself as many airs and graces as would be appropriate to +the display of an honest pin-feather upon the pope’s-nose of +a mooley peacock.</p> +<p>Each congenital idiot whom the ax-grinders <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>name +for the office of <em>Tnediserp</em> has upon the +“ticket” with him a dead man, who stands or falls with +his leader. There is no way of voting for the idiot without voting +for the corpse also, and <em>vice versa</em>. When one of these +precious couples has been chosen the idiot in due time enters upon +the duties of his office and the corpse is put into an ice-chest +and carefully preserved from decay. If the idiot should himself +become a corpse he is buried at once and the other body is then +haled out of its ice to take his place. It is propped up in the +seat of authority and duly instated in power. This is the signal +for a general attack upon it. It is subjected to every kind of +sacrilegious indignity, vituperated as a usurper and an +“accident,” struck with rotten eggs and dead cats, and +undergoes the meanest misrepresentation. Its attitude in the chair, +its fallen jaw, glazed eyes and degree of decomposition are +caricatured and exaggerated out of all reason. Yet such as it is it +must be endured for the unexpired term for which its predecessor +was chosen. To guard against a possible interregnum, however, a law +has recently been passed providing that if it should tumble out of +the chair and be too rotten to set up again its clerks <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg +124]</span>(<em>seiraterces</em>) are eligible to its place in a +stated order of succession. Here we have the amazing anomaly of the +rulers of a “free” people actually appointing their +potential successors!—a thing inexpressibly repugnant to all +our ideas of popular government, but apparently regarded in +Tamtonia as a matter of course.</p> +<p>During the few months intervening between the ax-men’s +selection of candidates and the people’s choice between those +selected (a period known as the <em>laitnediserp ngiapmac</em>) the +Tamtonian character is seen at its worst. There is no infamy too +great or too little for the partisans of the various candidates to +commit and accuse their opponents of committing. While every one of +them declares, and in his heart believes, that honest arguments +have greater weight than dishonest; that falsehood reacts on the +falsifier’s cause; that appeals to passion and prejudice are +as ineffectual as dishonorable, few have the strength and sense to +deny themselves the luxury of all these methods and worse ones. The +laws against bribery, made by themselves, are set at naught and +those of civility and good breeding are forgotten. The best of +friends quarrel and openly insult one another. <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page125" name="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>The +women, who know almost as little of the matters at issue as the +men, take part in the abominable discussions; some even encouraging +the general demoralization by showing themselves at the public +meetings, sometimes actually putting themselves into uniform and +marching in procession with banners, music and torchlights.</p> +<p>I feel that this last statement will be hardly understood +without explanation. Among the agencies employed by the Tamtonians +to prove that one set of candidates is better than another, or to +show that one political policy is more likely than another to +promote the general prosperity, a high place is accorded to colored +rags, flames of fire, noises made upon brass instruments, +inarticulate shouts, explosions of gunpowder and lines of men +walking and riding through the streets in cheap and tawdry costumes +more or less alike. Vast sums of money are expended to procure +these strange evidences of the personal worth of candidates and the +political sanity of ideas. It is very much as if a man should paint +his nose pea-green and stand on his head to convince his neighbors +that his pigs are fed on acorns. Of course the money subscribed for +these various controversial devices is not all <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page126" name="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>wasted; +the greater part of it is pocketed by the ax-grinders by whom it is +solicited, and who have invented the system. That they have +invented it for their own benefit seems not to have occurred to the +dupes who pay for it. In the universal madness everybody believes +whatever monstrous and obvious falsehood is told by the leaders of +his own <em>ytrap</em>, and nobody listens for a moment to the +exposures of their rascality. Reason has flown shrieking from the +scene; Caution slumbers by the wayside with unbuttoned pocket. It +is the opportunity of thieves!</p> +<p>With a view to abating somewhat the horrors of this recurring +season of depravity, it has been proposed by several wise and +decent Tamtonians to extend the term of office of the +<em>Tnediserp</em> to six years instead of five, but the sharpeners +of axes are too powerful to be overthrown. They have made the +people believe that if the man whom the country chooses to rule it +because it thinks him wise and good were permitted to rule it too +long it would be impossible to displace him in punishment for his +folly and wickedness. It is, indeed, far more likely that the term +of office will be reduced to four years than extended to six. The +effect can be no less than hideous!</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a>[pg +127]</span>In Tamtonia there is a current popular saying dating +from many centuries back and running this way: “<em>Eht +eciffo dluohs kees eht nam, ton eht nam eht +eciffo</em>”—which may be translated thus: “No +citizen ought to try to secure power for himself, but should be +selected by others for his fitness to exercise it.” The +sentiment which this wise and decent phrase expresses has long +ceased to have a place in the hearts of those who are everlastingly +repeating it, but with regard to the office of <em>Tnediserp</em> +it has still a remnant of the vitality of habit. This, however, is +fast dying out, and a few years ago one of the congenital idiots +who was a candidate for the highest dignity boldly broke the +inhibition and made speeches to the people in advocacy of himself, +all over the country. Even more recently another has uttered his +preferences in much the same way, but with this difference: he did +his speechmaking at his own home, the ax-grinders in his interest +rounding up audiences for him and herding them before his door. One +of the two corpses, too, was galvanized into a kind of ghastly +activity and became a talking automaton; but the other had been too +long dead. In a few years more the decent tradition that a man +should not blow his own horn will be obsolete in its <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page128" name="page128"></a>[pg +128]</span>application to the high office, as it is to all the +others, but the popular saying will lose none of its currency for +that.</p> +<p>To the American mind nothing can be more shocking than the +Tamtonian practice of openly soliciting political preferment and +even paying money to assist in securing it. With us such immodesty +would be taken as proof of the offender’s unfitness to +exercise the power which he asks for, or bear the dignity which, in +soliciting it, he belittles. Yet no Tamtonian ever refused to take +the hand of a man guilty of such conduct, and there have been +instances of fathers giving these greedy vulgarians the hands of +their daughters in marriage and thereby assisting to perpetuate the +species. The kind of government given by men who go about begging +for the right to govern can be more easily imagined than endured. +In short, I cannot help thinking that when, unable longer to bear +with patience the evils entailed by the vices and follies of its +inhabitants, I sailed away from the accursed island of Tamtonia, I +left behind me the most pestilent race of rascals and ignoramuses +to be found anywhere in the universe; and I never can sufficiently +thank the divine Power who spared me the disadvantage <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span>and +shame of being one of them, and cast my lot in this favored land of +goodness and right reason, the blessed abode of public morality and +private worth—of liberty, conscience and common sense.</p> +<p>I was not, however, to reach it without further detention in +barbarous countries. After being at sea four days I was seized by +my mutinous crew, set ashore upon an island, and having been made +insensible by a blow upon the head was basely abandoned.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a>[pg +130]</span></p> +<h3><a id="ug" name="ug">Marooned On Ug</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>When I regained my senses I found myself lying on the strand a +short remove from the margin of the sea. It was high noon and an +insupportable itching pervaded my entire frame, that being the +effect of sunshine in that country, as heat is in ours. Having +observed that the discomfort was abated by the passing of a light +cloud between me and the sun, I dragged myself with some difficulty +to a clump of trees near by and found permanent relief in their +shade. As soon as I was comfortable enough to examine my +surroundings I saw that the trees were of metal, apparently copper, +with leaves of what resembled pure silver, but may have contained +alloy. Some of the trees bore burnished flowers shaped like bells, +and in a breeze the tinkling as they clashed together was +exceedingly sweet. The grass with which the open country was +covered as far as I could see amongst the patches of forest was of +a bright scarlet hue, excepting along the water-courses, where it +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a>[pg +131]</span>was white. Lazily cropping it at some little distance +away, or lying in it, indolently chewing the cud and attended by a +man half-clad in skins and bearing a crook, was a flock of tigers. +My travels in New Jersey having made me proof against surprise, I +contemplated these several visible phenomena without emotion, and +with a merely expectant interest in what might be revealed by +further observation.</p> +<p>The tigerherd having perceived me, now came striding forward, +brandishing his crook and shaking his fists with great vehemence, +gestures which I soon learned were, in that country, signs of amity +and good-will. But before knowing that fact I had risen to my feet +and thrown myself into a posture of defense, and as he approached I +led for his head with my left, following with a stiff right upon +his solar plexus, which sent him rolling on the grass in great +pain. After learning something of the social customs of the country +I felt extreme mortification in recollecting this breach of +etiquette, and even to this day I cannot think upon it without a +blush.</p> +<p>Such was my first meeting with Jogogle-Zadester, Pastor-King of +Ug, the wisest and best of men. Later in our acquaintance, when +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name="page132"></a>[pg +132]</span>I had for a long time been an honored guest at his +court, where a thousand fists were ceremoniously shaken under my +nose daily, he explained that my luke-warm reception of his +hospitable advances gave him, for the moment, an unfavorable +impression of my breeding and culture.</p> +<p>The island of Ug, upon which I had been marooned, lies in the +Southern Hemisphere, but has neither latitude nor longitude. It has +an area of nearly seven hundred square <em>samtains</em> and is +peculiar in shape, its width being considerably greater than its +length. Politically it is a limited monarchy, the right of +succession to the throne being vested in the sovereign’s +father, if he have one; if not in his grandfather, and so on upward +in the line of ascent. (As a matter of fact there has not within +historic times been a legitimate succession, even the great and +good Jogogle-Zadester being a usurper chosen by popular vote.) To +assist him in governing, the King is given a parliament, the Uggard +word for which is <em>gabagab</em>, but its usefulness is greatly +circumscribed by the <em>Blubosh</em>, or Constitution, which +requires that every measure, in order to become a law, shall have +an affirmative majority of the actual members, yet forbids +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page133" name="page133"></a>[pg +133]</span>any member to vote who has not a distinct pecuniary +interest in the result. I was once greatly amused by a spirited +contest over a matter of harbor improvement, each of two proposed +harbors having its advocates. One of these gentlemen, a most +eloquent patriot, held the floor for hours in advocacy of the port +where he had an interest in a projected mill for making dead +kittens into cauliflower pickles; while other members were being +vigorously persuaded by one who at the other place had a clam +ranch. In a debate in the Uggard <em>gabagab</em> no one can have a +“standing” except a party in interest; and as a +consequence of this enlightened policy every bill that is passed is +found to be most intelligently adapted to its purpose.</p> +<p>The original intent of this requirement was that members having +no pecuniary interest in a proposed law at the time of its +inception should not embarrass the proceedings and pervert the +result; but the inhibition is now thought to be sufficiently +observed by formal public acceptance of a nominal bribe to vote one +way or the other. It is of course understood that behind the +nominal bribe is commonly a more substantial one of which there is +no record. To an American accustomed to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page134" name="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span>the +incorrupt methods of legislation in his own country the spectacle +of every member of the Uggard <em>gabagab</em> qualifying himself +to vote by marching up, each in his turn as his name is called, to +the proponent of the bill, or to its leading antagonist, and +solemnly receiving a <em>tonusi</em> (the smallest coin of the +realm) is exceedingly novel. When I ventured to mention to the King +my lack of faith in the principle upon which this custom is +founded, he replied:</p> +<p>“Heart of my soul, if you and your compatriots distrust +the honesty and intelligence of an interested motive why is it that +in your own courts of law, as you describe them, no private citizen +can institute a civil action to right the wrongs of anybody but +himself?”</p> +<p>I had nothing to say and the King proceeded: “And why is +it that your judges will listen to no argument from any one who has +not acquired a selfish concern in the matter?”</p> +<p>“O, your Majesty,” I answered with animation, +“they listen to attorneys-general, district attorneys and +salaried officers of the law generally, whose prosperity depends in +no degree upon their success; who prosecute none but those whom +they believe to be guilty; who are careful to present no false nor +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page135" name="page135"></a>[pg +135]</span>misleading testimony and argument; who are solicitous +that even the humblest accused person shall be accorded every legal +right and every advantage to which he is entitled; who, in brief, +are animated by the most humane sentiments and actuated by the +purest and most unselfish motives.”</p> +<p>The King’s discomfiture was pitiful: he retired at once +from the capital and passed a whole year pasturing his flock of +tigers in the solitudes beyond the River of Wine. Seeing that I +would henceforth be <em>persona non grata</em> at the palace, I +sought obscurity in the writing and publication of books. In this +vocation I was greatly assisted by a few standard works that had +been put ashore with me in my sea-chest.</p> +<p>The literature of Ug is copious and of high merit, but consists +altogether of fiction—mainly history, biography, theology and +novels. Authors of exceptional excellence receive from the state +marks of signal esteem, being appointed to the positions of +laborers in the Department of Highways and Cemeteries. Having been +so fortunate as to win public favor and attract official attention +by my locally famous works, “The Decline and Fall of the +Roman Empire,” “David Copperfield,” <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page136" name="page136"></a>[pg +136]</span>“Pilgrim’s Progress,” and “Ben +Hur,” I was myself that way distinguished and my future +assured. Unhappily, through ignorance of the duties and dignities +of the position I had the mischance to accept a gratuity for +sweeping a street crossing and was compelled to flee for my +life.</p> +<p>Disguising myself as a sailor I took service on a ship that +sailed due south into the unknown Sea.</p> +<p>It is now many years since my marooning on Ug, but my +recollection of the country, its inhabitants and their wonderful +manners and customs is exceedingly vivid. Some small part of what +most interested me I shall here set down.</p> +<p>The Uggards are, or fancy themselves, a warlike race: nowhere in +those distant seas are there any islanders so vain of their +military power, the consciousness of which they acquired chiefly by +fighting one another. Many years ago, however, they had a war with +the people of another island kingdom, called Wug. The Wuggards held +dominion over a third island, Scamadumclitchclitch, whose people +had tried to throw off the yoke. In order to subdue them—at +least to tears—it was decided to deprive them of garlic, the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page137" name="page137"></a>[pg +137]</span>sole article of diet known to them and the Wuggards, and +in that country dug out of the ground like coal. So the Wuggards in +the rebellious island stopped up all the garlic mines, supplying +their own needs by purchase from foreign trading proas. Having few +cowrie shells, with which to purchase, the poor +Scamadumclitchclitchians suffered a great distress, which so +touched the hearts of the compassionate Uggards—a most humane +and conscientious people—that they declared war against the +Wuggards and sent a fleet of proas to the relief of the sufferers. +The fleet established a strict blockade of every port in +Scamadumclitchclitch, and not a clove of garlic could enter the +island. That compelled the Wuggard army of occupation to reopen the +mines for its own subsistence.</p> +<p>All this was told to me by the great and good and wise +Jogogle-Zadester, King of Ug.</p> +<p>“But, your Majesty,” I said, “what became of +the poor Scamadumclitchclitchians?”</p> +<p>“They all died,” he answered with royal +simplicity.</p> +<p>“Then your Majesty’s humane intervention,” +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page138" name="page138"></a>[pg +138]</span>I said, “was not entirely—well, +fattening?”</p> +<p>“The fortune of war,” said the King, gravely, +looking over my head to signify that the interview was at an end; +and I retired from the Presence on hands and feet, as is the +etiquette in that country.</p> +<p>As soon as I was out of hearing I threw a stone in the direction +of the palace and said: “I never in my life heard of such a +cold-blooded scoundrel!”</p> +<p>In conversation with the King’s Prime Minister, the famous +Grumsquutzy, I asked him how it was that Ug, being a great military +power, was apparently without soldiers.</p> +<p>“Sir,” he replied, courteously shaking his fist +under my nose in sign of amity, “know that when Ug needs +soldiers she enlists them. At the end of the war they are put to +death.”</p> +<p>“Visible embodiment of a great nation’s +wisdom,” I said, “far be it from me to doubt the +expediency of that military method; but merely as a matter of +economy would it not be better to keep an army in time of peace +than to be compelled to create one in time of war?”</p> +<p>“Ug is rich,” he replied; “we do not have to +consider matters of economy. There is <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page139" name="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>among our people a +strong and instinctive distrust of a standing army.”</p> +<p>“What are they afraid of,” I asked—what do +they fear that it will do?”</p> +<p>“It is not what the army may do,” answered the great +man, “but what it may prevent others from doing. You must +know that we have in this land a thing known as Industrial +Discontent.”</p> +<p>“Ah, I see,” I exclaimed, +interrupting—“the industrial classes fear that the army +may destroy, or at least subdue, their discontent.”</p> +<p>The Prime Minister reflected profoundly, standing the while, in +order that he might assist his faculties by scratching himself, +even as we, when thinking, scratch our heads.</p> +<p>“No,” he said presently; “I don’t think +that is quite what they apprehend—they and the writers and +statesmen who speak for them. As I said before, what is feared in a +case of industrial discontent is the army’s preventive power. +But I am myself uncertain what it is that these good souls dislike +to have the army prevent. I shall take the customary means to +learn.”</p> +<p>Having occasion on the next day to enter the great audience hall +of the palace I observed in gigantic letters running across the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page140" name="page140"></a>[pg +140]</span>entire side opposite the entrance this surprising +inscription:</p> +<p>“In a strike, what do you fear that the army will prevent +which ought to be done?”</p> +<p>Facing the entrance sat Grumsquutzy, in his robes of office and +surrounded by an armed guard. At a little distance stood two great +black slaves, each bearing a scourge of thongs. All about them the +floor was slippery with blood. While I wondered at all this two +policemen entered, having between them one whom I recognized as a +professional Friend of the People, a great orator, keenly concerned +for the interests of Labor. Shown the inscription and unable or +unwilling to answer, he was given over to the two blacks and, being +stripped to the skin, was beaten with the whips until he bled +copiously and his cries resounded through the palace. His ears were +then shorn away and he was thrown into the street. Another Friend +of the People was brought in, and treated in the same way; and the +inquiry was continued, day after day, until all had been +interrogated. But Grumsquutzy got no answer.</p> +<p>A most extraordinary and interesting custom of the Uggards is +called the <em>Naganag</em> and has existed, I was told, for +centuries. Immediately <span class="pagenum"><a id="page141" name= +"page141"></a>[pg 141]</span>after every war, and before the +returned army is put to death, the chieftains who have held high +command and their official head, the Minister of National +Displeasure, are conducted with much pomp to the public square of +Nabootka, the capital. Here all are stripped naked, deprived of +their sight with a hot iron and armed with a club each. They are +then locked in the square, which has an inclosing wall thirty +<em>clowgebs</em> high. A signal is given and they begin to fight. +At the end of three days the place is entered and searched. If any +of the dead bodies has an unbroken bone in it the survivors are +boiled in wine; if not they are smothered in butter.</p> +<p>Upon the advantages of this custom—which surely has not +its like in the whole world—I could get little light. One +public official told me its purpose was “peace among the +victorious”; another said it was “for gratification of +the military instinct in high places,” though if that is so +one is disposed to ask “What was the war for?” The +Prime Minister, profoundly learned in all things else, could not +enlighten me, and the commander-in-chief in the Wuggard war could +only tell me, while on his way to the public <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page142" name="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span>square, +that it was “to vindicate the truth of history.”</p> +<p>In all the wars in which Ug has engaged in historic times that +with Wug was the most destructive of life. Excepting among the +comparatively few troops that had the hygienic and preservative +advantage of personal collision with the enemy, the mortality was +appalling. Regiments exposed to the fatal conditions of camp life +in their own country died like flies in a frost. So pathetic were +the pleas of the sufferers to be led against the enemy and have a +chance to live that none hearing them could forbear to weep. +Finally a considerable number of them went to the seat of war, +where they began an immediate attack upon a fortified city, for +their health; but the enemy’s resistance was too brief +materially to reduce the death rate and the men were again in the +hands of their officers. On their return to Ug they were so few +that the public executioners charged with the duty of reducing the +army to a peace footing were themselves made ill by inactivity.</p> +<p>As to the navy, the war with Wug having shown the Uggard sailors +to be immortal, their government knows not how to get rid of them, +and remains a great sea power in <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page143" name="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span>spite of itself. I +ventured to suggest mustering out, but neither the King nor any +Minister of State was able to form a conception of any method of +reduction and retrenchment but that of the public headsman.</p> +<p>It is said—I do not know with how much truth—that +the defeat of Wug was made easy by a certain malicious prevision of +the Wuggards themselves: something of the nature of heroic +self-sacrifice, the surrender of a present advantage for a terrible +revenge in the future. As an instance, the commander of the +fortified city already mentioned is reported to have ordered his +garrison to kill as few of their assailants as possible.</p> +<p>“It is true,” he explained to his subordinates, who +favored a defense to the death—“it is true this will +lose us the place, but there are other places; you have not thought +of that.”</p> +<p>They had not thought of that.</p> +<p>“It is true, too, that we shall be taken prisoners, +but”—and he smiled grimly—“we have fairly +good appetites, and we must be fed. That will cost something, I +take it. But that is not the best of it. Look at that vast host of +our enemies—each one of them a future pensioner on a fool +people. If there is <span class="pagenum"><a id="page144" name= +"page144"></a>[pg 144]</span>among us one man who would willingly +deprive the Uggard treasury of a single dependent—who would +spare the Uggard pigs one <em>gukwam</em> of expense, let the +traitor stand forth.”</p> +<p>No traitor stood forth, and in the ensuing battles the garrison, +it is said, fired only blank cartridges, and such of the assailants +as were killed incurred that mischance by falling over their own +feet.</p> +<p>It is estimated by Wuggard statisticians that in twenty years +from the close of the war the annual appropriation for pensions in +Ug will amount to no less than one hundred and sixty +<em>gumdums</em> to every enlisted man in the kingdom. But they +know not the Uggard customs of exterminating the army.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page145" name="page145"></a>[pg +145]</span></p> +<h3><a id="dog" name="dog">The Dog in Ganegwag</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A about the end of the thirty-seventh month of our voyage due +south from Ug we sighted land, and although the coast appeared wild +and inhospitable, the captain decided to send a boat ashore in +search of fresh water and provisions, of which we were in sore +need. I was of the boat’s crew and thought myself fortunate +in being able to set foot again upon the earth. There were seven +others in the landing party, including the mate, who commanded.</p> +<p>Selecting a sheltered cove, which appeared to be at the mouth of +a small creek, we beached the boat, and leaving two men to guard it +started inland toward a grove of trees. Before we reached it an +animal came out of it and advanced confidently toward us, showing +no signs of either fear or hostility. It was a hideous creature, +not altogether like anything that we had ever seen, but on its +close approach we recognized it as a dog, of an unimaginably +loathsome breed. As we were <span class="pagenum"><a id="page146" +name="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span>nearly famished one of the +sailors shot it for food. Instantly a great crowd of persons, who +had doubtless been watching us from among the trees, rushed upon us +with fierce exclamations and surrounded us, making the most +threatening gestures and brandishing unfamiliar weapons. Unable to +resist such odds we were seized, bound with cords and dragged into +the forest almost before we knew what had happened to us. Observing +the nature of our reception the ship’s crew hastily weighed +anchor and sailed away. We never again saw them.</p> +<p>Beyond the trees concealing it from the sea was a great city, +and thither we were taken. It was Gumammam, the capital of +Ganegwag, whose people are dog-worshipers. The fate of my +companions I never learned, for although I remained in the country +for seven years, much of the time as a prisoner, and learned to +speak its language, no answer was ever given to my many inquiries +about my unfortunate friends.</p> +<p>The Ganegwagians are an ancient race with a history covering a +period of ten thousand <em>supintroes</em>. In stature they are +large, in color blue, with crimson hair and yellow eyes. They live +to a great age, sometimes as <span class="pagenum"><a id="page147" +name="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>much as twenty +<em>supintroes</em>, their climate being so wholesome that even the +aged have to sail to a distant island in order to die. Whenever a +sufficient number of them reach what they call “the age of +going away” they embark on a government ship and in the midst +of impressive public rites and ceremonies set sail for “the +Isle of the Happy Change.” Of their strange civilization, +their laws, manners and customs, their copper clothing and liquid +houses I have written—at perhaps too great length—in my +famous book, “Ganegwag the Incredible.” Here I shall +confine myself to their religion, certainly the most amazing form +of superstition in the world.</p> +<p>Nowhere, it is believed, but in Ganegwag has so vile a creature +as the dog obtained general recognition as a deity. There this +filthy beast is considered so divine that it is freely admitted to +the domestic circle and cherished as an honored guest. Scarcely a +family that is able to support a dog is without one, and some have +as many as a half-dozen. Indeed, the dog is the special deity of +the poor, those families having most that are least able to +maintain them. In some sections of the country, particularly the +southern and southwestern provinces, the number of <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page148" name="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>dogs is +estimated to be greater than that of the children, as is the cost +of their maintenance. In families of the rich they are fewer in +number, but more sacredly cherished, especially by the female +members, who lavish upon them a wealth of affection not always +granted to the husband and children, and distinguish them with +indescribable attentions and endearments.</p> +<p>Nowhere is the dog compelled to make any other return for all +this honor and benefaction than a fawning and sycophantic demeanor +toward those who bestow them and an insulting and injurious +attitude toward strangers who have dogs of their own, and toward +other dogs. In any considerable town of the realm not a day passes +but the public newsman relates in the most matter-of-fact and +unsympathetic way to his circle of listless auditors painful +instances of human beings, mostly women and children, bitten and +mangled by these ferocious animals without provocation.</p> +<p>In addition to these ravages of the dog in his normal state are +a vastly greater number of outrages committed by the sacred animal +in the fury of insanity, for he has an hereditary tendency to +madness, and in that state his bite <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page149" name="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span>is incurable, the +victim awaiting in the most horrible agony the sailing of the next +ship to the Isle of the Happy Change, his suffering imperfectly +medicined by expressions of public sympathy for the dog.</p> +<p>A cynical citizen of Gumammam said to the writer of this +narrative: “My countrymen have three hundred kinds of dogs, +and only one way to hang a thief.” Yet all the dogs are alike +in this, that none is respectable.</p> +<p>Withal, it must be said of this extraordinary people that their +horrible religion is free from the hollow forms and meaningless +ceremonies in which so many superstitions of the lower races find +expression. It is a religion of love, practical, undemonstrative, +knowing nothing of pageantry and spectacle. It is hidden in the +lives and hearts of the people; a stranger would hardly know of its +existence as a distinct faith. Indeed, other faiths and better ones +(one of them having some resemblance to a debased form of +Christianity) co-exist with it, sometimes in the same mind. +Cynolatry is tolerant so long as the dog is not denied an equal +divinity with the deities of other faiths. Nevertheless, I could +not think of the people of Ganegwag without <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page150" name="page150"></a>[pg +150]</span>contempt and loathing; so it was with no small joy that +I sailed for the contiguous island of Ghargaroo to consult, +according to my custom, the renowned statesman and philosopher, +Juptka-Getch, who was accounted the wisest man in all the world, +and held in so high esteem that no one dared speak to him without +the sovereign’s permission, countersigned by the Minister of +Morals and Manners.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page151" name="page151"></a>[pg +151]</span></p> +<h3><a id="ghargaroo" name="ghargaroo">A Conflagration in +Ghargaroo</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Through the happy accident of having a mole on the left side of +my nose, as had also a cousin of the Prime Minister, I obtained a +royal rescript permitting me to speak to the great Juptka-Getch, +and went humbly to his dwelling, which, to my astonishment, I found +to be an unfurnished cave in the side of a mountain. Inexpressibly +surprised to observe that a favorite of the sovereign and the +people was so meanly housed, I ventured, after my salutation, to +ask how this could be so. Regarding me with an indulgent smile, the +venerable man, who was about two hundred and fifty years old and +entirely bald, explained.</p> +<p>“In one of our Sacred Books, of which we have three +thousand,” said he, “it is written, ‘<em>Golooloo +ek wakwah betenka</em>,’ and in another, ‘<em>Jebeb uq +seedroy im aboltraqu ocrux ti smelkit</em>.’”</p> +<p>Translated, these mean, respectively, “The poor are +blessed,” and, “Heaven is not easily entered by those +who are rich.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page152" name="page152"></a>[pg +152]</span>I asked Juptka-Getch if his countrymen really gave to +these texts a practical application in the affairs of life.</p> +<p>“Why, surely,” he replied, “you cannot think +us such fools as to disregard the teachings of our gods! That would +be madness. I cannot imagine a people so mentally and morally +depraved as that! Can you?”</p> +<p>Observing me blushing and stammering, he inquired the cause of +my embarrassment. “The thought of so incredible a thing +confuses me,” I managed to reply. “But tell me if in +your piety and wisdom you really stripped yourself of all your +property in order to obey the gods and get the benefit of +indigence.”</p> +<p>“I did not have to do so,” he replied with a smile; +“my King attended to that. When he wishes to distinguish one +of his subjects by a mark of his favor, he impoverishes him to such +a degree as will attest the exact measure of the royal approbation. +I am proud to say that he took from me all that I had.”</p> +<p>“But, pardon me,” I said; “how does it occur +that among a people which regards poverty as the greatest earthly +good all are not poor? I observe here as much wealth and +‘prosperity’ as in my own country.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page153" name="page153"></a>[pg +153]</span>Juptka-Getch smiled and after a few moments answered: +“The only person in this country that owns anything is the +King; in the service of his people he afflicts himself with that +burden. All property, of whatsoever kind, is his, to do with as he +will. He divides it among his subjects in the ratio of their +demerit, as determined by the <em>waguks</em>—local +officers—whose duty it is to know personally every one in +their jurisdiction. To the most desperate and irreclaimable +criminals is allotted the greatest wealth, which is taken from +them, little by little, as they show signs of +reformation.”</p> +<p>“But what,” said I, “is to prevent the wicked +from becoming poor at any time? How can the King and his officers +keep the unworthy, suffering the punishment and peril of wealth, +from giving it away?”</p> +<p>“To whom, for example?” replied the illustrious man, +taking the forefinger of his right hand into his mouth, as is the +fashion in Ghargaroo when awaiting an important communication. The +respectful formality of the posture imperfectly concealed the irony +of the question, but I was not of the kind to be easily +silenced.</p> +<p>“One might convert one’s property into <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page154" name="page154"></a>[pg +154]</span>money,” I persisted, “and throw the money +into the sea.”</p> +<p>Juptka-Getch released the finger and gravely answered: +“Every person in Ghargaroo is compelled by law to keep minute +accounts of his income and expenditures, and must swear to them. +There is an annual appraisement by the <em>waguk</em>, and any +needless decrease in the value of an estate is punished by breaking +the offender’s legs. Expenditures for luxuries and high +living are, of course, approved, for it is universally known among +us, and attested by many popular proverbs, that the pleasures of +the rich are vain and disappointing. So they are considered a part +of the punishment, and not only allowed but required. A man +sentenced to wealth who lives frugally, indulging in only rational +and inexpensive delights, has his ears cut off for the first +offense, and for the second is compelled to pass six months at +court, participating in all the gaieties, extravagances and +pleasures of the capital, and——”</p> +<p>“Most illustrious of mortals,” I said, turning a +somersault—the Ghargarese manner of interrupting a discourse +without offense—“I am as the dust upon your beard, but +in my own country I am esteemed no fool, and right <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page155" name="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span>humbly +do I perceive that you are <em>ecxroptug nemk puttog +peleemy</em>.”</p> +<p>This expression translates, literally, “giving me a +fill,” a phrase without meaning in our tongue, but in +Ghargarese it appears to imply incredulity.</p> +<p>“The gaieties of the King’s court,” I +continued, “must be expensive. The courtiers of the +sovereign’s entourage, the great officers of the +realm—surely they are not condemned to wealth, like common +criminals!”</p> +<p>“My son,” said Juptka-Getch, tearing out a handful +of his beard to signify his tranquillity under accusation, +“your doubt of my veracity is noted with satisfaction, but it +is not permitted to you to impeach my sovereign’s infallible +knowledge of character. His courtiers, the great officers of the +realm, as you truly name them, are the richest men in the country +because he knows them to be the greatest rascals. After each annual +reapportionment of the national wealth he settles upon them the +unallotted surplus.”</p> +<p>Prostrating myself before the eminent philosopher, I craved his +pardon for my doubt of his sovereign’s wisdom and +consistency, and begged him to cut off my head.</p> +<p>“Nay,” he said, “you have committed the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page156" name="page156"></a>[pg +156]</span>unpardonable sin and I cannot consent to bestow upon you +the advantages of death. You shall continue to live the thing that +you are.”</p> +<p>“What!” I cried, remembering the Lalugwumps and +Gnarmag-Zote, “is it thought in Ghargaroo that death is an +advantage, a blessing?”</p> +<p>“Our Sacred Books,” he said, “are full of +texts affirming the vanity of life.”</p> +<p>“Then,” I said, “I infer that the death +penalty is unknown to your laws!”</p> +<p>“We have the life penalty instead. Convicted criminals are +not only enriched, as already explained, but by medical attendance +kept alive as long as possible. On the contrary, the very +righteous, who have been rewarded with poverty, are permitted to +die whenever it pleases them.</p> +<p>“Do not the Sacred Books of your country teach the vanity +of life, the blessedness of poverty and the wickedness of +wealth?”</p> +<p>“They do, O Most Illustrious, they do.”</p> +<p>“And your countrymen believe?”</p> +<p>“Surely—none but the foolish and depraved entertain +a doubt.”</p> +<p>“Then I waste my breath in expounding laws and customs +already known to you. You have, of course, the same.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page157" name="page157"></a>[pg +157]</span>At this I averted my face and blushed so furiously that +the walls of the cave were illuminated with a wavering crimson like +the light of a great conflagration! Thinking that the capital city +was ablaze, Juptka-Getch ran from the cave’s mouth, crying, +“Fire, fire!” and I saw him no more.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page158" name="page158"></a>[pg +158]</span></p> +<h3><a id="batrugia" name="batrugia">An Execution In +Batrugia</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>My next voyage was not so prosperous. By violent storms lasting +seven weeks, during which we saw neither the sun nor the stars, our +ship was driven so far out of its course that the captain had no +knowledge of where we were. At the end of that period we were blown +ashore and wrecked on a coast so wild and desolate that I had never +seen anything so terrifying. Through a manifest interposition of +Divine Providence I was spared, though all my companions perished +miserably in the waves that had crushed the ship among the +rocks.</p> +<p>As soon as I was sufficiently recovered from my fatigue and +bruises, and had rendered thanks to merciful Heaven for my +deliverance, I set out for the interior of the country, taking with +me a cutlas for protection against wild beasts and a bag of +sea-biscuit for sustenance. I walked vigorously, for the weather +was then cool and pleasant, and after I had gone a few miles from +the inhospitable coast <span class="pagenum"><a id="page159" name= +"page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>I found the country open and level. +The earth was covered with a thick growth of crimson grass, and at +wide intervals were groups of trees. These were very tall, their +tops in many instances invisible in a kind of golden mist, or haze, +which proved to be, not a transient phenomenon, but a permanent +one, for never in that country has the sun been seen, nor is there +any night. The haze seems to be self-luminous, giving a soft, +yellow light, so diffused that shadows are unknown. The land is +abundantly supplied with pools and rivulets, whose water is of a +beautiful orange color and has a pleasing perfume somewhat like +attar of rose. I observed all this without surprise and with little +apprehension, and went forward, feeling that anything, however +novel and mysterious, was better than the familiar terrors of the +sea and the coast.</p> +<p>After traveling a long time, though how long I had not the means +to determine, I arrived at the city of Momgamwo, the capital of the +kingdom of Batrugia, on the mainland of the Hidden Continent, where +it is always twelve o’clock.</p> +<p>The Batrugians are of gigantic stature, but mild and friendly +disposition. They offered me no violence, seeming rather amused by +my <span class="pagenum"><a id="page160" name="page160"></a>[pg +160]</span>small stature. One of them, who appeared to be a person +of note and consequence, took me to his house (their houses are but +a single story in height and built of brass blocks), set food +before me, and by signs manifested the utmost good will. A long +time afterward, when I had learned the language of the country, he +explained that he had recognized me as an American pigmy, a race of +which he had some little knowledge through a letter from a brother, +who had been in my country. He showed me the letter, of which the +chief part is here presented in translation:</p> +<p>“You ask me, my dear Tgnagogu, to relate my adventures +among the Americans, as they call themselves. My adventures were +very brief, lasting altogether not more than three <em>gumkas</em>, +and most of the time was passed in taking measures for my own +safety.</p> +<p>“My skyship, which had been driven for six moons before an +irresistible gale, passed over a great city just at daylight one +morning, and rather than continue the voyage with a lost reckoning +I demanded that I be permitted to disembark. My wish was respected, +and my companions soared away without me. Before night I had +escaped from the city, by <span class="pagenum"><a id="page161" +name="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span>what means you know, and with my +remarkable experiences in returning to civilization all Batrugia is +familiar. The description of the strange city I have reserved for +you, by whom only could I hope to be believed. Nyork, as its +inhabitants call it, is a city of inconceivable extent—not +less, I should judge, than seven square <em>glepkeps</em>! Of the +number of its inhabitants I can only say that they are as the sands +of the desert. They wear clothing—of a hideous kind, +’tis true—speak an apparently copious though harsh +language, and seem to have a certain limited intelligence. They are +puny in stature, the tallest of them being hardly higher than my +breast.</p> +<p>“Nevertheless, Nyork is a city of giants. The magnitude of +all things artificial there is astounding! My dear Tgnagogu, words +can give you no conception of it. Many of the buildings, I assure +you, are as many as fifty <em>sprugas</em> in height, and shelter +five thousand persons each. And these stupendous structures are so +crowded together that to the spectator in the narrow streets below +they seem utterly devoid of design and symmetry—mere +monstrous aggregations of brick, stone and metal—mountains of +masonry, cliffs and crags of architecture hanging in the sky!</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page162" name="page162"></a>[pg +162]</span>“A city of giants inhabited by pigmies! For you +must know, oh friend of my liver, that the rearing of these mighty +structures could not be the work of the puny folk that swarm in +ceaseless activity about their bases. These fierce little savages +invaded the island in numbers so overwhelming that the giant +builders had to flee before them. Some escaped across great bridges +which, with the help of their gods, they had suspended in the air +from bank to bank of a wide river parting the island from the +mainland, but many could do no better than mount some of the +buildings that they had reared, and there, in these inaccessible +altitudes, they dwell to-day, still piling stone upon stone. +Whether they do this in obedience to their instinct as builders, or +in hope to escape by way of the heavens, I had not the means to +learn, being ignorant of the pigmy tongue and in continual fear of +the crowds that followed me.</p> +<p>“You can see the giants toiling away up there in the sky, +laying in place the enormous beams and stones which none but they +could handle. They look no bigger than beetles, but you know that +they are many <em>sprugas</em> in stature, and you shudder to think +what would ensue if one should lose his footing. Fancy <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page163" name="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>that +great bulk whirling down to earth from so dizzy an +altitude!…</p> +<p style="text-align:center;margin-bottom:0em;">“May birds +ever sing above your grave.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:0em;">“JOQUOLK WAK +MGAPY.”</p> +<p>By my new friend, Tgnagogu, I was presented to the King, a most +enlightened monarch, who not only reigned over, but ruled +absolutely, the most highly civilized people in the world. He +received me with gracious hospitality, quartered me in the palace +of his Prime Minister, gave me for wives the three daughters of his +Lord Chamberlain, and provided me with an ample income from the +public revenues. Within a year I had made a fair acquaintance with +the Batrugian language, and was appointed royal interpreter, with a +princely salary, although no one speaking any other tongue, myself +and two native professors of rhetoric excepted, had ever been seen +in the kingdom.</p> +<p>One day I heard a great tumult in the street, and going to a +window saw, in a public square opposite, a crowd of persons +surrounding some high officials who were engaged in cutting off a +man’s head. Just before the executioner delivered the fatal +stroke, the victim was asked if he had anything to say. He +explained <span class="pagenum"><a id="page164" name= +"page164"></a>[pg 164]</span>with earnestness that the deed for +which he was about to suffer had been inspired and commanded by a +brass-headed cow and four bushels of nightingales’ eggs!</p> +<p>“Hold! hold!” I shouted in Batrugian, leaping from +the window and forcing a way through the throng; “the man is +obviously insane!”</p> +<p>“Friend,” said a man in a long blue robe, gently +restraining me, “it is not proper for you to interrupt these +high proceedings with irrelevant remarks. The luckless gentleman +who, in accordance with my will as Lord Chief Justice, has just had +the happiness to part with his head was so inconsiderate as to take +the life of a fellow-subject.”</p> +<p>“But he was insane,” I persisted, “clearly and +indisputably <em>ptig nupy uggydug</em>!”—a phrase +imperfectly translatable, meaning, as near as may be, having +flitter-mice in his campanile.</p> +<p>“Am I to infer,” said the Lord Chief Justice, +“that in your own honorable country a person accused of +murder is permitted to plead insanity as a reason why he should not +be put to death?”</p> +<p>“Yes, illustrious one,” I replied, respectfully, +“we regard that as a good defense.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page165" name="page165"></a>[pg +165]</span>“Well,” said he slowly, but with extreme +emphasis, “I’ll be <em>Gook swottled</em>!”</p> +<p>(“<em>Gook</em>,” I may explain, is the name of the +Batrugian chief deity; but for the verb “to swottle” +the English tongue has no equivalent. It seems to signify the +deepest disapproval, and by a promise to be +“<em>swottled</em>” a Batrugian denotes acute +astonishment.)</p> +<p>“Surely,” I said, “so wise and learned a +person as you cannot think it just to punish with death one who +does not know right from wrong. The gentleman who has just now +renounced his future believed himself to have been commanded to do +what he did by a brass-headed cow and four bushels of +nightingales’ eggs—powers to which he acknowledged a +spiritual allegiance. To have disobeyed would have been, from his +point of view, an infraction of a law higher than that of +man.”</p> +<p>“Honorable but erring stranger,” replied the famous +jurist, “if we permitted the prisoner in a murder trial to +urge such a consideration as that—if our laws recognized any +other justification than that he believed himself in peril of +immediate death or great bodily injury—nearly all assassins +would make some such defense. They would plead insanity of some +kind and degree, and it <span class="pagenum"><a id="page166" name= +"page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>would be almost impossible to +establish their guilt. Murder trials would be expensive and almost +interminable, defiled with perjury and sentiment. Juries would be +deluded and confused, justice baffled, and red-handed man-killers +turned loose to repeat their crimes and laugh at the law. Even as +the law is, in a population of only one hundred million we have had +no fewer than three homicides in less than twenty years! With such +statutes and customs as yours we should have had at least twice as +many. Believe me, I know my people; they have not the American +respect for human life.”</p> +<p>As blushing is deemed in Batrugia a sign of pride, I turned my +back upon the speaker—an act which, fortunately, signifies a +desire to hear more.</p> +<p>“Law,” he continued, “is for the good of the +greatest number. Execution of an actual lunatic now and then is not +an evil to the community, nor, when rightly considered, to the +lunatic himself. He is better off when dead, and society is +profited by his removal. We are spared the cost of exposing +imposture, the humiliation of acquitting the guilty, the peril of +their freedom, the contagion of their evil example.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page167" name="page167"></a>[pg +167]</span>“In my country,” I said, “we have a +saying to the effect that it is better that ninety-nine guilty +escape than that one innocent be punished.”</p> +<p>“It is better,” said he, “for the ninety-nine +guilty, but distinctly worse for everybody else. Sir,” he +concluded with chilling austerity, “I infer from their +proverb that your countrymen are the most offensive blockheads in +existence.”</p> +<p>By way of refutation I mentioned the English, indignantly +withdrew from the country and set sail for Gokeetle-guk, or, as we +should translate the name, Trustland.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page168" name="page168"></a>[pg +168]</span></p> +<h3><a id="gokeetle" name="gokeetle">The Jumjum Of +Gokeetle-Guk</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Arriving at the capital of the country after many incredible +adventures, I was promptly arrested by the police and taken before +the Jumjum. He was an exceedingly affable person, and held office +by appointment, “for life or fitness,” as their laws +express it. With one necessary exception all offices are appointive +and the tenure of all except that is the same. The Panjandrum, or, +as we should call him, King, is elected for a term of ten years, at +the expiration of which he is shot. It is held that any man who has +been so long in high authority will have committed enough sins and +blunders to deserve death, even if none can be specifically +proved.</p> +<p>Brought into the presence of the Jumjum, who graciously saluted +me, I was seated on a beautiful rug and told in broken English by +an interpreter who had escaped from Kansas that I was at liberty to +ask any questions that I chose.</p> +<p>“Your Highness,” I said, addressing the Jumjum +through the interpreting Populist, <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page169" name="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span>“I fear that I do +not understand; I expected, not to ask questions, but to have to +answer them. I am ready to give such an account of myself as will +satisfy you that I am an honest man—neither a criminal nor a +spy.”</p> +<p>“The gentleman seems to regard himself with a considerable +interest,” said the Jumjum, aside to an officer of his +suite—a remark which the interpreter, with characteristic +intelligence, duly repeated to me. Then addressing me the Jumjum +said:</p> +<p>“Doubtless your personal character is an alluring topic, +but it is relevant to nothing in any proceedings that can be taken +here. When a foreigner arrives in our capital he is brought before +me to be instructed in whatever he may think it expedient for him +to know of the manners, customs, laws, and so forth, of the country +that he honors with his presence. It matters nothing to us what he +is, but much to him what we are. You are at liberty to +inquire.”</p> +<p>I was for a moment overcome with emotion by so noble an example +of official civility and thoughtfulness, then, after a little +reflection, I said: “May it please your Highness, I should +greatly like to be informed of the origin of the name of your +esteemed country.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page170" name="page170"></a>[pg +170]</span>“Our country,” said the Jumjum, +acknowledging the compliment by a movement of his ears, “is +called Trustland because all its industries, trades and professions +are conducted by great aggregations of capital known as +‘trusts.’ They do the entire business of the +country.”</p> +<p>“Good God!” I exclaimed; “what a terrible +state of affairs that is! I know about trusts. Why do your people +not rise and throw off the yoke?”</p> +<p>“You are pleased to be unintelligible,” said the +great man, with a smile. “Would you mind explaining what you +mean by ‘the yoke’?”</p> +<p>“I mean,” said I, surprised by his ignorance of +metaphor, but reflecting that possibly the figures of rhetoric were +not used in that country—“I mean the oppression, the +slavery under which your people groan, their bond-age to the +tyrannical trusts, entailing poverty, unrequited toil and loss of +self-respect.”</p> +<p>“Why, as to that,” he replied, “our people are +prosperous and happy. There is very little poverty and what there +is is obviously the result of vice or improvidence. Our labor is +light and all the necessaries of life, many of the comforts and +some of the luxuries are <span class="pagenum"><a id="page171" +name="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span>abundant and cheap. I hardly know +what you mean by the tyranny of the trusts; they do not seem to +care to be tyrannous, for each having the entire market for what it +produces, its prosperity is assured and there is none of the strife +and competition which, as I can imagine, might breed hardness and +cruelty. Moreover, we should not let them be tyrannous. Why should +we?”</p> +<p>“But, your Highness, suppose, for example, the trust that +manufactures safety pins should decide to double the price of its +product. What is to prevent great injury to the +consumer?”</p> +<p>“The courts. Having but one man—the responsible +manager—to deal with, protective legislation and its +enforcement would be a very simple matter. If there were a thousand +manufacturers of safety pins, scattered all over the country in as +many jurisdictions, there would be no controlling them at all. They +would cheat, not only one another but the consumers, with virtual +immunity. But there is no disposition among our trusts to do any +such thing. Each has the whole market, as I said, and each has +learned by experience what the manager of a large business soon +must learn, and what the manager of a small one probably would +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page172" name="page172"></a>[pg +172]</span>not learn and could not afford to apply if he knew +it—namely, that low prices bring disproportionately large +sales and therefore profits. Prices in this country are never put +up except when some kind of scarcity increases the cost of +production. Besides, nearly all the consumers are a part of the +trusts, the stock of which is about the best kind of property for +investment.”</p> +<p>“What!” I cried,—“do not the managers so +manipulate the stock by ‘watering’ it and otherwise as +to fool and cheat the small investors?”</p> +<p>“We should not permit them. That would be +dishonest.”</p> +<p>“So it is in my country,” I replied, rather tartly, +for I believed his apparent <em>naïveté</em> assumed +for my confusion, “but we are unable to prevent +it.”</p> +<p>He looked at me somewhat compassionately, I thought. +“Perhaps,” he said, “not enough of you really +wish to prevent it. Perhaps your people are—well, different +from mine—not worse, you understand—just +different.”</p> +<p>I felt the blood go into my cheeks and hot words were upon my +tongue’s end, but I restrained them; the conditions for a +quarrel <span class="pagenum"><a id="page173" name= +"page173"></a>[pg 173]</span>were not favorable to my side of it. +When I had mastered my chagrin and resentment I said:</p> +<p>“In my country when trusts are formed a great number of +persons suffer, whether the general consumer does or not—many +small dealers, middle men, drummers and general employees. The +small dealer is driven out of the business by underselling. The +middle man is frequently ignored, the trust dealing directly, or +nearly so, with the consumer. The drummer is discharged because, +competition having disappeared, custom must come without +solicitation. Consolidation lets out swarms of employees of the +individual concerns consolidated, for it is nearly as easy to +conduct one large concern as a dozen smaller ones. These people get +great sympathy from the public and the newspapers and their case is +obviously pitiable. Was it not so in this country during the +transition stage, and did not these poor gentlemen have +to”—the right words would not come; I hardly knew how +to finish. “Were they not compelled to go to work?” I +finally asked, rather humbly.</p> +<p>The great official was silent for several minutes. Then he +spoke.</p> +<p>“I am not sure that I understand you about <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page174" name="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span>our +transition state. So far as our history goes matters with us have +always been as they are to-day. To suppose them to have been +otherwise would be to impugn the common sense of our ancestors. Nor +do I quite know what you mean by ‘small dealers,’ +‘middle men,’ ‘drummers,’ and so +forth.”</p> +<p>He paused and fell into meditation, when suddenly his face was +suffused with the light of a happy thought. It so elated him that +he sprang to his feet and with his staff of office broke the heads +of his Chief Admonisher of the Inimical and his Second Assistant +Audible Sycophant. Then he said:</p> +<p>“I think I comprehend. Some eighty-five years ago, soon +after my induction into office, there came to the court of the +Panjandrum a man of this city who had been cast upon the island of +Chicago (which I believe belongs to the American archipelago) and +had passed many years there in business with the natives. Having +learned all their customs and business methods he returned to his +own country and laid before the Panjandrum a comprehensive scheme +of commercial reform. He and his scheme were referred to me, the +Panjandrum being graciously pleased to be unable to make head or +tail of it. I may best <span class="pagenum"><a id="page175" name= +"page175"></a>[pg 175]</span>explain it in its application to a +single industry—the manufacture and sale of +gootles.”</p> +<p>“What is a gootle?” I asked.</p> +<p>“A metal weight for attachment to the tail of a donkey to +keep him from braying,” was the answer. “It is known in +this country that a donkey cannot utter a note unless he can lift +his tail. Then, as now, gootles were made by a single concern +having a great capital invested and an immense plant, and employing +an army of workmen. It dealt, as it does to-day, directly with +consumers. Afflicted with a sonant donkey a man would write to the +trust and receive his gootle by return mail, or go personally to +the factory and carry his purchase home on his +shoulder—according to where he lived. The reformer said this +was primitive, crude and injurious to the interests of the public +and especially the poor. He proposed that the members of the gootle +trust divide their capital and each member go into the business of +making gootles for himself—I do not mean for his personal +use—in different parts of the country. But none of them was +to sell to consumers, but to other men, who would sell in quantity +to still other men, who would sell single gootles for domestic use. +Each manufacturer would of course require <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page176" name="page176"></a>[pg 176]</span>a full +complement of officers, clerks and so forth, as would the other +men—everybody but the consumer—and each would have to +support them and make a profit himself. Competition would be so +sharp that solicitors would have to be employed to make sales; and +they too must have a living out of the business. Honored stranger, +am I right in my inference that the proposed system has something +in common with the one which obtains in your own happy, enlightened +and prosperous country, and which you would approve?”</p> +<p>I did not care to reply.</p> +<p>“Of course,” the Jumjum continued, “all this +would greatly have enhanced the cost of gootles, thereby lessening +the sales, thereby reducing the output, thereby throwing a number +of workmen out of employment. You see this, do you not, O guest of +my country?”</p> +<p>“Pray tell me,” I said, “what became of the +reformer who proposed all this change?”</p> +<p>“All this change? Why, sir, the one-thousandth part is not +told: he proposed that his system should be general: not only in +the gootle trust, but every trust in the country was to be broken +up in the same way! When I had him before me, and had stated my +objections <span class="pagenum"><a id="page177" name= +"page177"></a>[pg 177]</span>to the plan, I asked him what were its +advantages.</p> +<p>“‘Sir,’ he replied, ‘I speak for +millions of gentlemen in uncongenial employments, mostly manual and +fatiguing. This would give them the kind of activity that they +would like—such as their class enjoys in other countries +where my system is in full flower, and where it is deemed so sacred +that any proposal for its abolition or simplification by trusts is +regarded with horror, especially by the working men.’</p> +<p>“Having reported to the Panjandrum (whose vermiform +appendix may good angels have in charge) and received his orders, I +called the reformer before me and addressed him thus:</p> +<p>“‘Illustrious economist, I have the honor to inform +you that in the royal judgment your proposal is the most absurd, +impudent and audacious ever made; that the system which you propose +to set up is revolutionary and mischievous beyond the dreams of +treason; that only in a nation of rogues and idiots could it have a +moment’s toleration.’</p> +<p>“He was about to reply, but cutting his throat to intimate +that the hearing was at an end, I withdrew from the Hall of +Audience, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page178" name= +"page178"></a>[pg 178]</span>as under similar circumstances I am +about to do now.”</p> +<p>I withdrew first by way of a window, and after a terrible +journey of six years in the Dolorous Mountains and on the Desert of +Despair came to the western coast. Here I built a ship and after a +long voyage landed on one of the islands constituting the Kingdom +of Tortirra.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page179" name="page179"></a>[pg +179]</span></p> +<h3><a id="tortirra" name="tortirra">The Kingdom of +Tortirra</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Of this unknown country and its inhabitants I have written a +large volume which nothing but the obstinacy of publishers has kept +from the world, and which I trust will yet see the light. +Naturally, I do not wish to publish at this time anything that will +sate public curiosity, and this brief sketch will consist of such +parts only of the work as I think can best be presented in advance +without abating interest in what is to follow when Heaven shall +have put it into the hearts of publishers to square their conduct +with their interests. I must, however, frankly confess that my +choice has been partly determined by other considerations. I offer +here those parts of my narrative which I conceive to be the least +credible—those which deal with the most monstrous and +astounding follies of a strange people. Their ceremony of marriage +by decapitation; their custom of facing to the rear when riding on +horseback; their practice of walking on their hands in all +ceremonial <span class="pagenum"><a id="page180" name= +"page180"></a>[pg 180]</span>processions; their selection of the +blind for military command; their pig-worship—these and many +other comparatively natural particulars of their religious, +political, intellectual and social life I reserve for treatment in +the great work for which I shall soon ask public favor and +acceptance.</p> +<p>In Tortirran politics, as in Tamtonian, the population is always +divided into two, and sometimes three or four +“parties,” each having a “policy” and each +conscientiously believing the policy of the other, or others, +erroneous and destructive. In so far as these various and varying +policies can be seen to have any relation whatever to practical +affairs they can be seen also to be the result of purely selfish +considerations. The self-deluded people flatter themselves that +their elections are contests of principles, whereas they are only +struggles of interests. They are very fond of the word +<em>slagthrit</em>, “principle”; and when they believe +themselves acting from some high moral motive they are capable of +almost any monstrous injustice or stupid folly. This insane +devotion to principle is craftily fostered by their political +leaders who invent captivating phrases intended to confirm them in +it; and these deluding aphorisms are diligently <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page181" name="page181"></a>[pg +181]</span>repeated until all the people have them in memory, with +no knowledge of the fallacies which they conceal. One of these +phrases is “Principles, not men.” In the last analysis +this is seen to mean that it is better to be governed by scoundrels +professing one set of principles than by good men holding another. +That a scoundrel will govern badly, regardless of the principles +which he is supposed somehow to “represent,” is a truth +which, however obvious to our own enlightened intelligence, has +never penetrated the dark understandings of the Tortirrans. It is +chiefly through the dominance of the heresy fostered by this +popular phrase that the political leaders are able to put base men +into office to serve their own nefarious ends.</p> +<p>I have called the political contests of Tortirra struggles of +interests. In nothing is this more clear (to the looker-on at the +game) than in the endless disputes concerning restrictions on +commerce. It must be understood that lying many leagues to the +southeast of Tortirra are other groups of islands, also wholly +unknown to people of our race. They are known by the general name +of <em>Gropilla-Stron</em> (a term signifying “the Land of +the Day-dawn”), though it is impossible to ascertain +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page182" name="page182"></a>[pg +182]</span>why, and are inhabited by a powerful and hardy race, +many of whom I have met in the capital of Tanga. The Stronagu, as +they are called, are bold navigators and traders, their proas +making long and hazardous voyages in all the adjacent seas to +exchange commodities with other tribes. For many years they were +welcomed in Tortirra with great hospitality and their goods eagerly +purchased. They took back with them all manner of Tortirran +products and nobody thought of questioning the mutual advantages of +the exchange. But early in the present century a powerful Tortirran +demagogue named Pragam began to persuade the people that commerce +was piracy—that true prosperity consisted in consumption of +domestic products and abstention from foreign. This extraordinary +heresy soon gathered such head that Pragam was appointed Regent and +invested with almost dictatorial powers. He at once distributed +nearly the whole army among the seaport cities, and whenever a +Stronagu trading proa attempted to land, the soldiery, assisted by +the populace, rushed down to the beach, and with a terrible din of +gongs and an insupportable discharge of stink-pots—the only +offensive weapon known to Tortirran warfare—drove +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page183" name="page183"></a>[pg +183]</span>the laden vessels to sea, or if they persisted in +anchoring destroyed them and smothered their crews in mud. The +Tortirrans themselves not being a sea-going people, all +communication between them and the rest of their little world soon +ceased. But with it ceased the prosperity of Tortirra. Deprived of +a market for their surplus products and compelled to forego the +comforts and luxuries which they had obtained from abroad, the +people began to murmur at the effect of their own folly. A reaction +set in, a powerful opposition to Pragam and his policy was +organized, and he was driven from power.</p> +<p>But the noxious tree that Pragam had planted in the fair garden +of his country’s prosperity had struck root too deeply to be +altogether eradicated. It threw up shoots everywhere, and no sooner +was one cut down than from roots underrunning the whole domain of +political thought others sprang up with a vigorous and baleful +growth. While the dictum that trade is piracy no longer commands +universal acceptance, a majority of the populace still hold a +modified form of it, and that “importation is theft” is +to-day a cardinal political “principle” of a vast body +of Tortirra’s people. The chief expounders and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page184" name="page184"></a>[pg +184]</span>protagonists of this doctrine are all directly or +indirectly engaged in making or growing such articles as were +formerly got by exchange with the Stronagu traders. The articles +are generally inferior in quality, but consumers, not having the +benefit of foreign competition, are compelled to pay extortionate +prices for them, thus maintaining the unscrupulous producers in +needless industries and a pernicious existence. But these active +and intelligent rogues are too powerful to be driven out. They +persuade their followers, among whom are many ignorant consumers, +that this vestigial remnant of the old Pragam policy is all that +keeps the nation from being desolated by small-pox and an epidemic +of broken legs. It is impossible within these limits to give a full +history of the strange delusion whose origin I have related. It has +undergone many modifications and changes, as it is the nature of +error to do, but the present situation is about this. The trading +proas of the Stronagu are permitted to enter certain ports, but +when one arrives she must anchor at a little distance from shore. +Here she is boarded by an officer of the government, who ascertains +the thickness of her keel, the number of souls on board and the +amount and character of the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page185" +name="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span>merchandise she brings. From +these data—the last being the main factor in the +problem—the officer computes her unworthiness and adjudges a +suitable penalty. The next day a scow manned by a certain number of +soldiers pushes out and anchors within easy throw of her, and there +is a frightful beating of gongs. When this has reached its lawful +limit as to time it is hushed and the soldiers throw a stated +number of stink-pots on board the offending craft. These, exploding +as they strike, stifle the captain and crew with an intolerable +odor. In the case of a large proa having a cargo of such +commodities as the Tortirrans particularly need, this bombardment +is continued for hours. At its conclusion the vessel is permitted +to land and discharge her cargo without further molestation. Under +these hard conditions importers find it impossible to do much +business, the exorbitant wages demanded by seamen consuming most of +the profit. No restrictions are now placed on the export trade, and +vessels arriving empty are subjected to no penalties; but the +Stronagu having other markets, in which they can sell as well as +buy, cannot afford to go empty handed to Tortirra.</p> +<p>It will be obvious to the reader that in all <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page186" name="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span>this no +question of “principle” is involved. A well-informed +Tortirran’s mental attitude with regard to the matter may be +calculated with unfailing accuracy from a knowledge of his +interests. If he produces anything which his countrymen want, and +which in the absence of all restriction they could get more cheaply +from the Stronagu than they can from him, he is in politics a +<em>Gakphew</em>, or “Stinkpotter”; if not he is what +that party derisively calls a <em>Shokerbom</em>, which signifies +“Righteous Man”—for there is nothing which the +Gakphews hold in so holy detestation as righteousness.</p> +<p>Nominally, Tortirra is an hereditary monarchy; virtually it is a +democracy, for under a peculiar law of succession there is seldom +an occupant of the throne, and all public affairs are conducted by +a Supreme Legislature sitting at Felduchia, the capital of Tanga, +to which body each island of the archipelago, twenty-nine in +number, elects representatives in proportion to its population, the +total membership being nineteen hundred and seventeen. Each island +has a Subordinate Council for the management of local affairs and a +Head Chief charged with execution of the laws. There is also a +Great Court at Felduchia, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page187" +name="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span>whose function it is to interpret +the general laws of the Kingdom, passed by the Supreme Council, and +a Minor Great Court at the capital of each island, with +corresponding duties and powers. These powers are very loosely and +vaguely defined, and are the subject of endless controversy +everywhere, and nowhere more than in the courts +themselves—such is the multiplicity of laws and so many are +the contradictory decisions upon them, every decision constituting +what is called a <em>lantrag</em>, or, as we might say, +“precedent.” The peculiarity of a <em>lantrag</em>, or +previous decision, is that it is, or is not, binding, at the will +of the honorable judge making a later one on a similar point. If he +wishes to decide in the same way he quotes the previous decision +with all the gravity that he would give to an exposition of the law +itself; if not, he either ignores it altogether, shows that it is +not applicable to the case under consideration (which, as the +circumstances are never exactly the same, he can always do), or +substitutes a contradictory <em>lantrag</em> and fortifies himself +with that. There is a precedent for any decision that a judge may +wish to make, but sometimes he is too indolent to search it out and +cite it. Frequently, when the letter and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page188" name="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span>intent +of the law under which an action is brought are plainly hostile to +the decision which it pleases him to render, the judge finds it +easier to look up an older law, with which it is compatible, and +which the later one, he says, does not repeal, and to base his +decision on that; and there is a law for everything, just as there +is a precedent. Failing to find, or not caring to look for, either +precedent or statute to sustain him, he can readily show that any +other decision than the one he has in will would be <em>tokoli +impelly</em>; that is to say, contrary to public morals, and this, +too, is considered a legitimate consideration, though on another +occasion he may say, with public assent and approval, that it is +his duty, not to make the law conform to justice, but to expound +and enforce it as he finds it. In short, such is the confusion of +the law and the public conscience that the courts of Tortirra do +whatever they please, subject only to overruling by higher courts +in the exercise of <em>their</em> pleasure; for great as is the +number of minor and major tribunals, a case originating in the +lowest is never really settled until it has gone through all the +intermediate ones and been passed upon by the highest, to which it +might just as well have been submitted at first. The <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page189" name="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span>evils +of this astonishing system could not be even baldly catalogued in a +lifetime. They are infinite in number and prodigious in magnitude. +To the trained intelligence of the American observer it is +incomprehensible how any, even the most barbarous, nation can +endure them.</p> +<p>An important function of the Great Court and the Minor Great +Court is passing upon the validity of all laws enacted by the +Supreme Council and the Subordinate Councils, respectively. The +nation as a whole, as well as each separate island, has a +fundamental law called the <em>Trogodal</em>, or, as we should say, +the Constitution; and no law whatever that may be passed by the +Council is final and determinate until the appropriate court has +declared that it conforms to the Trogodal. Nevertheless every law +is put in force the moment it is perfected and before it is +submitted to the court. Indeed, not one in a thousand ever is +submitted at all, that depending upon the possibility of some +individual objecting to its action upon his personal interests, +which few, indeed, can afford to do. It not infrequently occurs +that some law which has for years been rigorously enforced, even by +fines and imprisonment, and to which the whole commercial +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page190" name="page190"></a>[pg +190]</span>and social life of the nation has adjusted itself with +all its vast property interests, is brought before the tribunal +having final jurisdiction in the matter and coolly declared no law +at all. The pernicious effect may be more easily imagined than +related, but those who by loyal obedience to the statute all those +years have been injured in property, those who are ruined by its +erasure and those who may have suffered the severest penalties for +its violation are alike without redress. It seems not to have +occurred to the Tortirrans to require the court to inspect the law +and determine its validity before it is put in force. It is, +indeed, the traditional practice of these strange tribunals, when a +case is forced upon them, to decide, not as many points of law as +they can, but as few as they may; and this dishonest inaction is +not only tolerated but commended as the highest wisdom. The +consequence is that only those who make a profession of the law and +live by it and find their account in having it as little understood +by others as is possible can know which acts and parts of acts are +in force and which are not. The higher courts, too, have arrogated +to themselves the power of declaring unconstitutional even parts of +the Constitution, frequently annulling <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page191" name="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span>most important +provisions of the very instrument creating them!</p> +<p>A popular folly in Tortirra is the selection of representatives +in the Councils from among that class of men who live by the law, +whose sole income is derived from its uncertainties and +perplexities. Obviously, it is to the interest of these men to make +laws which shall be uncertain and perplexing—to confuse and +darken legislation as much as they can. Yet in nearly all the +Councils these men are the most influential and active element, and +it is not uncommon to find them in a numerical majority. It is +evident that the only check upon their ill-doing lies in the +certainty of their disagreement as to the particular kind of +confusion which they may think it expedient to create. Some will +wish to accomplish their common object by one kind of verbal +ambiguity, some by another; some by laws clearly enough (to them) +unconstitutional, others by contradictory statutes, or statutes +secretly repealing wholesome ones already existing. A clear, simple +and just code would deprive them of their means of livelihood and +compel them to seek some honest employment.</p> +<p>So great are the uncertainties of the law in Tortirra that an +eminent judge once confessed <span class="pagenum"><a id="page192" +name="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span>to me that it was his +conscientious belief that if all cases were decided by the +impartial arbitrament of the <em>do-tusis</em> (a process similar +to our “throw of the dice”) substantial justice would +be done far more frequently than under the present system; and +there is reason to believe that in many instances cases at law are +so decided—but only at the close of tedious and costly trials +which have impoverished the litigants and correspondingly enriched +the lawyers.</p> +<p>Of the interminable train of shames and brutalities entailed by +this pernicious system, I shall mention here only a single +one—the sentencing and punishment of an accused person in the +midst of the proceedings against him, and while his guilt is not +finally and definitively established. It frequently occurs that a +man convicted of crime in one of the lower courts is at once +hurried off to prison while he has still the right of appeal to a +higher tribunal, and while that appeal is pending. After months and +sometimes years of punishment his case is reached in the appellate +court, his appeal found valid and a new trial granted, resulting in +his acquittal. He has been imprisoned for a crime of which he is +eventually declared not to have been <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page193" name="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span>properly convicted. But +he has no redress; he is simply set free to bear through all his +after life the stain of dishonor and nourish an ineffectual +resentment. Imagine the storm of popular indignation that would be +evoked in America by an instance of so foul injustice!</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the great public square of Itsami, the capital of Tortirra, +stands a golden statue of Estari-Kumpro, a famous judge of the +Civil Court.<sup>2</sup> <span class="sidenote">2. Klikat um Delu +Ovwi.</span> This great man was celebrated throughout the kingdom +for the wisdom and justice of his decisions and the virtues of his +private life. So profound were the veneration in which he was held +and the awe that his presence inspired, that none of the advocates +in his court ever ventured to address him except in formal pleas: +all motions, objections, and so forth, were addressed to the clerk +and by him disposed of without dissent: the silence of the judge, +who never was heard to utter a word, was understood as sanctioning +the acts of his subordinate. For thirty years, promptly at sunrise, +the great hall of justice was thrown open, disclosing the judge +seated on a loftly dais beneath a black canopy, partly in shadow, +and quite inaccessible. At sunset <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page194" name="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span>all proceedings for the +day terminated, everyone left the hall and the portal closed. The +decisions of this august and learned jurist were always read aloud +by the clerk, and a copy supplied to the counsel on each side. They +were brief, clear and remarkable, not only for their unimpeachable +justice, but for their conformity to the fundamental principles of +law. Not one of them was ever set aside, and during the last +fifteen years of the great judge’s service no litigant ever +took an appeal, although none ever ventured before that infallible +tribunal unless conscientiously persuaded that his cause was +just.</p> +<p>One day it happened during the progress of an important trial +that a sharp shock of earthquake occurred, throwing the whole +assembly into confusion. When order had been restored a cry of +horror and dismay burst from the multitude—the judge’s +head lay flattened upon the floor, a dozen feet below the bench, +and from the neck of the rapidly collapsing body, which had pitched +forward upon his desk, poured a thick stream of sawdust! For thirty +years that great and good man had been represented by a stuffed +manikin. For thirty years he had not entered his own court, nor +heard a word of evidence or <span class="pagenum"><a id="page195" +name="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span>argument. At the moment of the +accident to his simulacrum he was in his library at his home, +writing his decision of the case on trial, and was killed by a +falling chandelier. It was afterward learned that his clerk, +twenty-five years dead, had all the time been personated by a twin +brother, who was an idiot from birth and knew no law.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page196" name="page196"></a>[pg +196]</span></p> +<h3><a id="hither" name="hither">Hither</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Listening to the history of the golden statue in the great +square, as related by a Tortirran storyteller, I fell asleep. On +waking I found myself lying in a cot-bed amidst unfamiliar +surroundings. A bandage was fastened obliquely about my head, +covering my left eye, in which was a dull throbbing pain. Seeing an +attendant near by I beckoned him to my bedside and asked: +“Where am I?”</p> +<p>“Hospital,” he replied, tersely but not unkindly. He +added: “You have a bad eye.” “Yes,” I said, +“I always had; but I could name more than one Tortirran who +has a bad heart.”</p> +<p>“What is a Tortirran?” he asked.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<!--[pg 197][pg 198]--> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page199" name="page199"></a>[pg +199]</span></p> +<h2><a id="ahkoond" name="ahkoond">For the Ahkoond</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In the year 4591 I accepted from his gracious Majesty the +Ahkoond of Citrusia a commission to explore the unknown region +lying to the eastward of the Ultimate Hills, the range which that +learned archæologist, Simeon Tucker, affirms to be identical +with the “Rocky Mountains” of the ancients. For this +proof of his Majesty’s favor I was indebted, doubtless, to a +certain distinction that I had been fortunate enough to acquire by +explorations in the heart of Darkest Europe. His Majesty kindly +offered to raise and equip a large expeditionary force to accompany +me, and I was given the widest discretion in the matter of outfit; +I could draw upon the royal treasury for any sum that I might +require, and upon the royal university for all the scientific +apparatus and assistance necessary to my purpose. Declining these +encumbrances, I took my electric rifle and a portable waterproof +case containing a few simple instruments and writing materials and +set out. Among the instruments <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page200" name="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span>was, of course, an +aerial isochronophone which I set by the one in the Ahkoond’s +private dining-room at the palace. His Majesty invariably dined +alone at 18 o’clock, and sat at table six hours: it was my +intention to send him all my reports at the hour of 23, just as +dessert would be served, and he would be in a proper frame of mind +to appreciate my discoveries and my services to the crown.</p> +<p>At 9 o’clock on the 13th of Meijh I left Sanf Rachisco and +after a tedious journey of nearly fifty minutes arrived at +Bolosson, the eastern terminus of the magnetic tube, on the summit +of the Ultimate Hills. According to Tucker this was anciently a +station on the Central Peaceful Railway, and was called +“German,” in honor of an illustrious dancing master. +Prof. Nupper, however, says it was the ancient Nevraska, the +capital of Kikago, and geographers generally have accepted that +view.</p> +<p>Finding nothing at Bolosson to interest me except a fine view of +the volcano Carlema, then in active eruption, I shouldered my +electric rifle and with my case of instruments strapped upon my +back plunged at once into the wilderness, down the eastern slope. +As I descended the character of the vegetation altered. +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page201" name="page201"></a>[pg +201]</span>The pines of the higher altitudes gave place to oaks, +these to ash, beech and maple. To these succeeded the tamarack and +such trees as affect a moist and marshy habitat; and finally, when +for four months I had been steadily descending, I found myself in a +primeval flora consisting mainly of giant ferns, some of them as +much as twenty <em>surindas</em> in diameter. They grew upon the +margins of vast stagnant lakes which I was compelled to navigate by +means of rude rafts made from their trunks lashed together with +vines.</p> +<p>In the fauna of the region that I had traversed I had noted +changes corresponding to those in the flora. On the upper slope +there was nothing but the mountain sheep, but I passed successively +through the habitats of the bear, the deer and the horse. This last +mentioned creature, which our naturalists have believed long +extinct, and which Dorbley declares our ancestors domesticated, I +found in vast numbers on high table lands covered with grass upon +which it feeds. The animal answers the current description of the +horse very nearly, but all that I saw were destitute of the horns, +and none had the characteristic forked tail. This member, on the +contrary, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page202" name= +"page202"></a>[pg 202]</span>is a tassel of straight wiry hair, +reaching nearly to the ground—a surprising sight. Lower still +I came upon the mastodon, the lion, the tiger, hippopotamus and +alligator, all differing very little from those infesting Central +Europe, as described in my “Travels in the Forgotten +Continent.”</p> +<p>In the lake region where I now found myself, the waters abounded +with ichthyosauri, and along the margins the iguanodon dragged his +obscene bulk in indolent immunity. Great flocks of pterodactyls, +their bodies as large as those of oxen and their necks enormously +long, clamored and fought in the air, the broad membranes of their +wings making a singular musical humming, unlike anything that I had +ever heard. Between them and the ichthyosauri there was incessant +battle, and I was constantly reminded of the ancient poet’s +splendid and original comparison of man to</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">dragons of the prime</p> +<p>That tare each other in their slime.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>When brought down with my electric rifle and properly roasted, +the pterodactyl proved very good eating, particularly the pads of +the toes.</p> +<p>In urging my raft along the shore line of <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page203" name="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span>one of +the stagnant lagoons one day I was surprised to find a broad rock +jutting out from the shore, its upper surface some ten +<em>coprets</em> above the water. Disembarking, I ascended it, and +on examination recognized it as the remnant of an immense mountain +which at one time must have been 5,000 <em>coprets</em> in height +and doubtless the dominating peak of a long range. From the +striations all over it I discovered that it had been worn away to +its present trivial size by glacial action. Opening my case of +instruments, I took out my petrochronologue and applied it to the +worn and scratched surface of the rock. The indicator at once +pointed to K 59 xpc ½! At this astonishing result I was +nearly overcome by excitement: the last erosions of the ice-masses +upon this vestige of a stupendous mountain range which they had +worn away, had been made as recently as the year 1945! Hastily +applying my nymograph, I found that the name of this particular +mountain at the time when it began to be enveloped in the mass of +ice moving down upon it from the north, was “Pike’s +Peak.” Other observations with other instruments showed that +at that time the country circumjacent to it had been inhabited by a +partly civilized race of people known as <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page204" name="page204"></a>[pg +204]</span>Galoots, the name of their capital city being +Denver.</p> +<p>That evening at the hour of 23 I set up my aerial +isochronophone<sup>3</sup> <span class="sidenote">3. This satire was +published in the San Francisco <em>Examiner</em> many years before +the invention of wireless telegraphy; so I retain my own name for +the instrument.—A.B.</span> and reported to his gracious +Majesty the Ahkoond as follows:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> I have the honor to report that I have +made a startling discovery. The primeval region into which I have +penetrated, as I informed you yesterday—the ichthyosaurus +belt—was peopled by tribes considerably advanced in some of +the arts almost within historic times: in 1920. They were +exterminated by a glacial period not exceeding one hundred and +twenty-five years in duration. Your Majesty can conceive the +magnitude and violence of the natural forces which overwhelmed +their country with moving sheets of ice not less that 5,000 +<em>coprets</em> in thickness, grinding down every eminence, +destroying (of course) all animal and vegetable life and leaving +the region a fathomless bog of detritus. Out of this vast sea of +mud Nature has had to evolve another creation, beginning <em>de +novo</em>, with her lowest forms. It has long been known, your +Majesty, that the region east of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page205" name="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>the Ultimate Hills, +betwen them and the Wintry Sea, was once the seat of an ancient +civilization, some scraps and shreds of whose history, arts and +literature have been wafted to us across the gulf of time; but it +was reserved for your gracious Majesty, through me, your humble and +unworthy instrument, to ascertain the astonishing fact that these +were a pre-glacial people—that between them and us stands, as +it were, a wall of impenetrable ice. That all local records of this +unfortunate race have perished your Majesty needs not to be told: +we can supplement our present imperfect knowledge of them by +instrumental observation only.”</p> +<p>To this message I received the following extraordinary +reply:</p> +<p>“All right—another bottle of—ice goes: push +on—this cheese is too—spare no effort to—hand me +those nuts—learn all you can—damn you!”</p> +<p>His most gracious Majesty was being served with dessert, and +served badly.</p> +<p>I now resolved to go directly north toward the source of the +ice-flow and investigate its cause, but examining my barometer +found <span class="pagenum"><a id="page206" name="page206"></a>[pg +206]</span>that I was more than 8,000 <em>coprets</em> below the +sea-level; the moving ice had not only ground down the face of the +country, planing off the eminences and filling the depressions, but +its enormous weight had caused the earth’s crust to sag, and +with the lessening of the weight from evaporation it had not +recovered.</p> +<p>I had no desire to continue in this depression, as I should in +going north, for I should find nothing but lakes, marshes and +ferneries, infested with the same primitive and monstrous forms of +life. So I continued my course eastward and soon had the +satisfaction to find myself meeting the sluggish current of such +streams as I encountered in my way. By vigorous use of the new +double-distance telepode, which enables the wearer to step eighty +<em>surindas</em> instead of forty, as with the instrument in +popular use, I was soon again at a considerable elevation above the +sea-level and nearly 200 <em>prastams</em> from “Pike’s +Peak.” A little farther along the water courses began to flow +to the eastward. The flora and fauna had again altered in +character, and now began to grow sparse; the soil was thin and +arid, and in a week I found myself in a region absolutely destitute +of organic life and without a vestige of soil. All was barren rock. +The <span class="pagenum"><a id="page207" name="page207"></a>[pg +207]</span>surface for hundreds of <em>prastams</em>, as I +continued my advance, was nearly level, with a slight dip to the +eastward. The rock was singularly striated, the scratches arranged +concentrically and in helicoidal curves. This circumstance puzzled +me and I resolved to take some more instrumental observations, +bitterly regretting my improvidence in not availing myself of the +Ahkoond’s permission to bring with me such apparatus and +assistants as would have given me knowledge vastly more copious and +accurate than I could acquire with my simple pocket appliances.</p> +<p>I need not here go into the details of my observations with such +instruments as I had, nor into the calculations of which these +observations were the basic data. Suffice it that after two +months’ labor I reported the results to his Majesty in Sanf +Rachisco in the words following:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> It is my high privilege to apprise you of +my arrival on the western slope of a mighty depression running +through the center of the continent north and south, formerly known +as the Mississippi Valley. It was once the seat of a thriving and +prosperous population known as the Pukes, but is now a vast expanse +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page208" name="page208"></a>[pg +208]</span>of bare rock, from which every particle of soil and +everything movable, including people, animals and vegetation, have +been lifted by terrific cyclones and scattered afar, falling in +other lands and at sea in the form of what was called meteoric +dust! I find that these terrible phenomena began to occur about the +year 1860, and lasted, with increasing frequency and power, through +a century, culminating about the middle of that glacial period +which saw the extinction of the Galoots and their neighboring +tribes. There was, of course, a close connection between the two +malefic phenomena, both, doubtless, being due to the same cause, +which I have been unable to trace. A cyclone, I venture to remind +your gracious Majesty, is a mighty whirlwind, accompanied by the +most startling meteorological phenomena, such as electrical +disturbances, floods of falling water, darkness and so forth. It +moves with great speed, sucking up everything and reducing it to +powder. In many days’ journey I have not found a square +<em>copret</em> of the country that did not suffer a visitation. If +any human being escaped he must speedily have perished from +starvation. For some twenty centuries the Pukes have been an +extinct race, and their country a desolation <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page209" name="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span>in +which no living thing can dwell, unless, like me, it is supplied +with Dr. Blobob’s Condensed Life-pills.”</p> +<p>The Ahkoond replied that he was pleased to feel the most +poignant grief for the fate of the unfortunate Pukes, and if I +should by chance find the ancient king of the country I was to do +my best to revive him with the patent resuscitator and present him +the assurances of his Majesty’s distinguished consideration; +but as the politoscope showed that the nation had been a republic I +gave myself no trouble in the matter.</p> +<p>My next report was made six months later and was in substance +this:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> I address your Majesty from a point 430 +<em>coprets</em> vertically above the site of the famous ancient +city of Buffalo, once the capital of a powerful nation called the +Smugwumps. I can approach no nearer because of the hardness of the +snow, which is very firmly packed. For hundreds of +<em>prastams</em> in every direction, and for thousands to the +north and west, the land is covered with this substance, which, as +your Majesty is doubtless aware, is extremely cold to the touch, +but by <span class="pagenum"><a id="page210" name="page210"></a>[pg +210]</span>application of sufficient heat can be turned into water. +It falls from the heavens, and is believed by the learned among +your Majesty’s subjects to have a sidereal origin.</p> +<p>“The Smugwumps were a hardy and intelligent race, but they +entertained the vain delusion that they could subdue Nature. Their +year was divided into two seasons—summer and winter, the +former warm, the latter cold. About the beginning of the nineteenth +century according to my archæthermograph, the summers began +to grow shorter and hotter, the winters longer and colder. At every +point in their country, and every day in the year, when they had +not the hottest weather ever known in that place, they had the +coldest. When they were not dying by hundreds from sunstroke they +were dying by thousands from frost. But these heroic and devoted +people struggled on, believing that they were becoming acclimated +faster than the climate was becoming insupportable. Those called +away on business were even afflicted with nostalgia, and with a +fatal infatuation returned to grill or freeze, according to the +season of their arrival. Finally there was no summer at all, though +the last flash of heat slew several millions and set most of their +cities afire, and winter reigned eternal.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page211" name="page211"></a>[pg +211]</span>“The Smugwumps were now keenly sensible of the +perils environing them, and, abandoning their homes, endeavored to +reach their kindred, the Californians, on the western side of the +continent in what is now your Majesty’s ever-blessed realm. +But it was too late: the snow growing deeper and deeper day by day, +besieged them in their towns and dwellings, and they were unable to +escape. The last one of them perished about the year 1943, and may +God have mercy on his fool soul!”</p> +<p>To this dispatch the Ahkoond replied that it was the royal +opinion that the Smugwumps were served very well right.</p> +<p>Some weeks later I reported thus:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> The country which your Majesty’s +munificence is enabling your devoted servant to explore extends +southward and southwestward from Smugwumpia many hundreds of +<em>prastams</em>, its eastern and southern borders being the +Wintry Sea and the Fiery Gulf, respectively. The population in +ancient times was composed of Whites and Blacks in about equal +numbers and of about equal moral worth—at least that is the +record on the dial of my ethnograph when set for the twentieth +century and given a southern exposure. <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page212" name="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span>The Whites were called +Crackers and the Blacks known as Coons.</p> +<p>“I find here none of the barrenness and desolation +characterizing the land of the ancient Pukes, and the climate is +not so rigorous and thrilling as that of the country of the late +Smugwumps. It is, indeed, rather agreeable in point of temperature, +and the soil being fertile exceedingly, the whole land is covered +with a dense and rank vegetation. I have yet to find a square +<em>smig</em> of it that is open ground, or one that is not the +lair of some savage beast, the haunt of some venomous reptile, or +the roost of some offensive bird. Crackers and Coons alike are long +extinct, and these are their successors.</p> +<p>“Nothing could be more forbidding and unwholesome than +these interminable jungles, with their horrible wealth of organic +life in its most objectionable forms. By repeated observations with +the necrohistoriograph I find that the inhabitants of this country, +who had always been more or less dead, were wholly extirpated +contemporaneously with the disastrous events which swept away the +Galoots, the Pukes and the Smugwumps. The agency of their +effacement was an endemic disorder known as yellow fever. The +ravages of this <span class="pagenum"><a id="page213" name= +"page213"></a>[pg 213]</span>frightful disease were of frequent +recurrence, every point of the country being a center of infection; +but in some seasons it was worse than in others. Once in every half +century at first, and afterward every year<sup>4</sup><span class= +"sidenote">4. At one time it was foolishly believed that the +disease had been eradicated by slapping the mosquitoes which were +thought to produce it; but a few years later it broke out with +greater violence than ever before, although the mosquitoes had left +the country.</span> it broke out somewhere and swept over wide +areas with such fatal effect that there were not enough of the +living to plunder the dead; but at the first frost it would +subside. During the ensuing two or three months of immunity the +stupid survivors returned to the infected homes from which they had +fled and were ready for the next outbreak. Emigration would have +saved them all, but although the Californians (over whose happy and +prosperous descendants your Majesty has the goodness to reign) +invited them again and again to their beautiful land, where +sickness and death were hardly known, they would not go, and by the +year 1946 the last one of them, may it please your gracious +Majesty, was dead and damned.”</p> +<p>Having spoken this into the transmitter of the aerial +isochronophone at the usual hour of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page214" name="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span>23 o’clock I +applied the receiver to my ear, confidently expecting the customary +commendation. Imagine my astonishment and dismay when my +master’s well-remembered voice was heard in utterance of the +most awful imprecations on me and my work, followed by appalling +threats against my life!</p> +<p>The Ahkoond had changed his dinner-time to five hours later and +I had been speaking into the ears of an empty stomach!</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<!-->[pg 215][pg 216]--> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page217" name="page217"></a>[pg +217]</span></p> +<h2><a id="liberator" name="liberator">John Smith, +Liberator</a></h2> +<h4>(From a Newspaper of the Far Future)</h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>At the quiet little village of Smithcester, which certain +archæologists have professed to “identify” as the +ancient London, will be celebrated to-day the thirtieth centennial +anniversary of the birth of this remarkable man, the foremost +figure of antiquity. The recurrence of what no more than six +centuries ago was a popular <em>fête</em> day and even now is +seldom permitted to pass without recognition by those to whom +liberty means something more precious than opportunity for gain, +excites a peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or no +tradition has correctly fixed the time and place of Smith’s +birth. That he was born; that being born he wrought nobly at the +work that his hand found to do; that by the mere force of his +powerful intellect he established and perfected our present benign +form of government, under which civilization has attained its +highest and ripest development—these are <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page218" name="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>facts +beside which mere questions of chronology and geography are trivial +and without significance.</p> +<p>That this extraordinary man originated the Smithocratic form of +government is, perhaps, open to intelligent doubt; possibly it had +a <em>de facto</em> existence in crude and uncertain shapes as +early as the time of Edward XVII,—an existence local, +unorganized and intermittent. But that he cleared it of its +overlying errors and superstitions, gave it definite form and +shaped it into a coherent and practical scheme there is +unquestionable evidence in fragments of ancestral literature that +have come down to us, disfigured though they are with amazingly +contradictory statements regarding his birth, parentage and manner +of life before he strode out upon the political stage as the +Liberator of Mankind. It is said that Shakspar, a poet whose works +had in their day a considerable vogue, though it is difficult to +say why, alludes to him as “the noblest Roman of them +all,” our forefathers of the period being known as Romans or +Englishmen, indifferently. In the only authentic fragment of +Shakspar extant, however, this passage is not included.</p> +<p>Smith’s military power is amply attested <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page219" name="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>in an +ancient manuscript of undoubted authenticity which has recently +been translated from the Siamese. It is an account of the water +battle of Loo, by an eye-witness whose name, unfortunately, has not +reached us. It is stated that in this famous engagement Smith +overthrew the great Neapolitan general, whom he captured and +conveyed in chains to the island of Chickenhurst.</p> +<p>In his “Political History of Europe” the late +Professor Mimble has this luminous sentence: “With the single +exception of Ecuador there was no European government that the +Liberator did not transform into a pure Smithocracy, and although +some of them relapsed transiently into the primitive forms, and +others grew into extravagant and fanciful systems begotten of the +intellectual activity to which he had stirred the whole world, yet +so firmly did he establish the principle that in the thirty-second +century the civilized world had become, and has remained, virtually +Smithocratic.”</p> +<p>It may be noted here as a singular coincidence that the year +which is believed to have seen the birth of him who founded +rational government witnessed the death of him who perfected +literature: Martin Farquhar Tupper <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page220" name="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>(after Smith the most +noted name in history) starved to death in the streets of London. +Like that of Smith his origin is wrapped in obscurity. No fewer +than seven British cities claim the honor of his nativity. Meager +indeed is our knowledge of this only British bard whose works have +endured through thirty centuries. All that is certain is that he +was once arrested for deer-stealing; that, although blind, he +fought a duel with a person named Salmasius, for which he was +thrown into Bedford gaol, whence he escaped to the Tower of London; +that the manuscript of his “Proverbial Philosophy” was +for many years hidden in a hollow oak tree, where it was found by +his grandmother, Ella Wheeler Tupper, who fled with it to America +and published many brilliant passages from it over her own name. +Had Smith and Tupper been contemporaries the iron deeds of the +former would doubtless have been recorded in the golden pages of +the latter, to the incalculable enrichment of Roman history.</p> +<p>Strangely unimpressible indeed must be the mind which, looking +backward through the mists of the centuries upon the primitive race +from which we are believed to have sprung, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page221" name="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span>can +repress a feeling of sympathetic interest. The names of John Smith +and Martin Farquhar Tupper, blazoned upon the page of that dim past +and surrounded by the lesser names of Shakspar, the first +Neapolitan, Oliver Cornwell, that Mynheer Baloon who was known as +the Flying Dutchman, Julia Cæsar, commonly known as the +Serpent of the Nile—all these are richly suggestive. They +call to mind the odd custom of wearing “clothes”; the +incredible error of Copernicus and other wide and wild guesses of +ancient “science”; the lost arts of telegramy, steam +locomotion, printing, and the tempering of iron. They set us +thinking of the zealous idolatry that led men on pious pilgrimages +to the accessible regions about the north pole and into the then +savage interior of Africa in search of the fountain of youth. They +conjure up visions of bloodthirsty “Emperors,” +tyrannical “Kings,” vampire “Presidents,” +and robber “Parliaments”—grotesque and horrible +shapes in terrible contrast with the serene and benign figures and +features of our modern Smithocracy.</p> +<p>Let us to-day rejoice and give thanks to Bungoot that the old +order of things has passed forever away. Let us praise Him that +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page222" name="page222"></a>[pg +222]</span>our lot has been cast in more wholesome days than those +in which Smith wrought and Tupper sang. And yet let us not forget +whatever there was of good, if any, in the pre-Smithian period, +when men cherished quaint superstitions and rode on the backs of +beasts—when they settled questions of right and expediency by +counting noses—when cows were enslaved and women +free—when science had not dawned to chase away the shadows of +imagination and the fear of immortality—and when the +cabalistic letters “A.D.,” which from habit we still +affix to numerals designating the date, had perhaps a known +signification. It is indeed well to live in this golden age, under +the benign sway of that supreme and culminating product of +Smithocracy, our gracious sovereign, his Majesty John CLXXVIII.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page223" name="page223"></a>[pg +223]</span></p> +<h2><a id="autobio" name="autobio">Bits Of Autobiography</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<!--[pg 224--> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page225" name="page225"></a>[pg +225]</span></p> +<h3><a id="mountain" name="mountain">On a Mountain</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>They say that the lumberman has looked upon the Cheat Mountain +country and seen that it is good, and I hear that some wealthy +gentlemen have been there and made a game preserve. There must be +lumber and, I suppose, sport, but some things one could wish were +ordered otherwise. Looking back upon it through the haze of near +half a century, I see that region as a veritable realm of +enchantment; the Alleghanies as the Delectable Mountains. I note +again their dim, blue billows, ridge after ridge interminable, +beyond purple valleys full of sleep, “in which it seemed +always afternoon.” Miles and miles away, where the lift of +earth meets the stoop of sky, I discern an imperfection in the +tint, a faint graying of the blue above the main range—the +smoke of an enemy’s camp.</p> +<p>It was in the autumn of that “most immemorial year,” +the 1861st of our Lord, and of our Heroic Age the first, that a +small brigade of raw troops—troops were all raw in +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page226" name="page226"></a>[pg +226]</span>those days—had been pushed in across the Ohio +border and after various vicissitudes of fortune and mismanagement +found itself, greatly to its own surprise, at Cheat Mountain Pass, +holding a road that ran from Nowhere to the southeast. Some of us +had served through the summer in the “three-months’ +regiments,” which responded to the President’s first +call for troops. We were regarded by the others with profound +respect as “old soldiers.” (Our ages, if equalized, +would, I fancy, have given about twenty years to each man.) We gave +ourselves, this aristocracy of service, no end of military airs; +some of us even going to the extreme of keeping our jackets +buttoned and our hair combed. We had been in action, too; had shot +off a Confederate leg at Philippi, “the first battle of the +war,” and had lost as many as a dozen men at Laurel Hill and +Carrick’s Ford, whither the enemy had fled in trying, Heaven +knows why, to get away from us. We now “brought to the +task” of subduing the Rebellion a patriotism which never for +a moment doubted that a rebel was a fiend accursed of God and the +angels—one for whose extirpation by force and arms each youth +of us considered himself specially “raised up.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page227" name="page227"></a>[pg +227]</span>It was a strange country. Nine in ten of us had never +seen a mountain, nor a hill as high as a church spire, until we had +crossed the Ohio River. In power upon the emotions nothing, I +think, is comparable to a first sight of mountains. To a member of +a plains-tribe, born and reared on the flats of Ohio or Indiana, a +mountain region was a perpetual miracle. Space seemed to have taken +on a new dimension; areas to have not only length and breadth, but +thickness.</p> +<p>Modern literature is full of evidence that our great +grandfathers looked upon mountains with aversion and horror. The +poets of even the seventeenth century never tire of damning them in +good, set terms. If they had had the unhappiness to read the +opening lines of “The Pleasures of Hope,” they would +assuredly have thought Master Campbell had gone funny and should be +shut up lest he do himself an injury.</p> +<p>The flatlanders who invaded the Cheat Mountain country had been +suckled in another creed, and to them western Virginia—there +was, as yet, no West Virginia—was an enchanted land. How we +reveled in its savage beauties! With what pure delight we inhaled +its fragrances of spruce and pine! <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page228" name="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>How we stared with +something like awe at its clumps of laurel!—real laurel, as +we understood the matter, whose foliage had been once accounted +excellent for the heads of illustrious Romans and such—mayhap +to reduce the swelling. We carved its roots into fingerrings and +pipes. We gathered spruce-gum and sent it to our sweethearts in +letters. We ascended every hill within our picket-lines and called +it a “peak.”</p> +<p>And, by the way, during those halcyon days (the halcyon was +there, too, chattering above every creek, as he is all over the +world) we fought another battle. It has not got into history, but +it had a real objective existence although by a felicitous +afterthought called by us who were defeated a “reconnaissance +in force.” Its short and simple annals are that we marched a +long way and lay down before a fortified camp of the enemy at the +farther edge of a valley. Our commander had the forethought to see +that we lay well out of range of the small-arms of the period. A +disadvantage of this arrangement was that the enemy was out of +reach of us as well, for our rifles were no better than his. +Unfortunately—one might almost say unfairly—he had a +few pieces of artillery very well protected, and with those he +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page229" name="page229"></a>[pg +229]</span>mauled us to the eminent satisfaction of his mind and +heart. So we parted from him in anger and returned to our own +place, leaving our dead—not many.</p> +<p>Among them was a chap belonging to my company, named Abbott; it +is not odd that I recollect it, for there was something unusual in +the manner of Abbott’s taking off. He was lying flat upon his +stomach and was killed by being struck in the side by a nearly +spent cannon-shot that came rolling in among us. The shot remained +in him until removed. It was a solid round-shot, evidently cast in +some private foundry, whose proprietor, setting the laws of thrift +above those of ballistics, had put his “imprint” upon +it: it bore, in slightly sunken letters, the name +“Abbott.” That is what I was told—I was not +present.</p> +<p>It was after this, when the nights had acquired a trick of +biting and the morning sun appeared to shiver with cold, that we +moved up to the summit of Cheat Mountain to guard the pass through +which nobody wanted to go. Here we slew the forest and builded us +giant habitations (astride the road from Nowhere to the southeast) +commodious to lodge an army and fitly loopholed for discomfiture of +the adversary. The long logs that it was our pride to cut and +carry! The accuracy with <span class="pagenum"><a id="page230" +name="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>which we laid them one upon +another, hewn to the line and bullet-proof! The Cyclopean doors +that we hung, with sliding bolts fit to be “the mast of some +great admiral”! And when we had “made the pile +complete” some marplot of the Regular Army came that way and +chatted a few moments with our commander, and we made an earthwork +away off on one side of the road (leaving the other side to take +care of itself) and camped outside it in tents! But the Regular +Army fellow had not the heart to suggest the demolition of our +Towers of Babel, and the foundations remain to this day to attest +the genius of the American volunteer soldiery.</p> +<p>We were the original game-preservers of the Cheat Mountain +region, for although we hunted in season and out of season over as +wide an area as we dared to cover we took less game, probably, than +would have been taken by a certain single hunter of disloyal views +whom we scared away. There were bear galore and deer in quantity, +and many a winter day, in snow up to his knees, did the writer of +this pass in tracking bruin to his den, where, I am bound to say, I +commonly left him. I agreed with my lamented friend, the late +Robert Weeks, poet:</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page231" name="page231"></a>[pg +231]</span></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Pursuit may be, it seems to me,</p> +<p>Perfect without possession.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>There can be no doubt that the wealthy sportsmen who have made a +preserve of the Cheat Mountain region will find plenty of game if +it has not died since 1861. We left it there.</p> +<p>Yet hunting and idling were not the whole of life’s +programme up there on that wild ridge with its shaggy pelt of +spruce and firs, and in the riparian lowlands that it parted. We +had a bit of war now and again. There was an occasional +“affair of outposts”; sometimes a hazardous scout into +the enemy’s country, ordered, I fear, more to keep up the +appearance of doing something than with a hope of accomplishing a +military result. But one day it was bruited about that a movement +in force was to be made on the enemy’s position miles away, +at the summit of the main ridge of the Alleghanies—the camp +whose faint blue smoke we had watched for weary days. The movement +was made, as was the fashion in those ‘prentice days of +warfare, in two columns, which were to pounce upon the foeman from +opposite sides at the same moment. Led over unknown roads by +untrusty guides, encountering obstacles not foreseen—miles +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page232" name="page232"></a>[pg +232]</span>apart and without communication, the two columns +invariably failed to execute the movement with requisite secrecy +and precision. The enemy, in enjoyment of that inestimable military +advantage known in civilian speech as being +“surrounded,” always beat the attacking columns one at +a time or, turning red-handed from the wreck of the first, +frightened the other away.</p> +<p>All one bright wintry day we marched down from our eyrie; all +one bright wintry night we climbed the great wooded ridge opposite. +How romantic it all was; the sunset valleys full of visible sleep; +the glades suffused and interpenetrated with moonlight; the long +valley of the Greenbrier stretching away to we knew not what silent +cities; the river itself unseen under its “astral body” +of mist! Then there was the “spice of danger.”</p> +<p>Once we heard shots in front; then there was a long wait. As we +trudged on we passed something—some things—lying by the +wayside. During another wait we examined them, curiously lifting +the blankets from their yellow-clay faces. How repulsive they +looked with their blood-smears, their blank, staring eyes, their +teeth uncovered by contraction of the lips! The frost had begun +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page233" name="page233"></a>[pg +233]</span>already to whiten their deranged clothing. We were as +patriotic as ever, but we did not wish to be that way. For an hour +afterward the injunction of silence in the ranks was needless.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Repassing the spot the next day, a beaten, dispirited and +exhausted force, feeble from fatigue and savage from defeat, some +of us had life enough left, such as it was, to observe that these +bodies had altered their position. They appeared also to have +thrown off some of their clothing, which lay near by, in disorder. +Their expression, too, had an added blankness—they had no +faces.</p> +<p>As soon as the head of our straggling column had reached the +spot a desultory firing had begun. One might have thought the +living paid honors to the dead. No; the firing was a military +execution; the condemned, a herd of galloping swine. They had eaten +our fallen, but—touching magnanimity!—we did not eat +theirs.</p> +<p>The shooting of several kinds was very good in the Cheat +Mountain country, even in 1861.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page234" name="page234"></a>[pg +234]</span></p> +<h3><a id="shiloh" name="shiloh">What I Saw of Shiloh</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<h4>I</h4> +<p>This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told +by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.</p> +<p>The morning of Sunday, the sixth day of April, 1862, was bright +and warm. Reveille had been sounded rather late, for the troops, +wearied with long marching, were to have a day of rest. The men +were idling about the embers of their bivouac fires; some preparing +breakfast, others looking carelessly to the condition of their arms +and accoutrements, against the inevitable inspection; still others +were chatting with indolent dogmatism on that never-failing theme, +the end and object of the campaign. Sentinels paced up and down the +confused front with a lounging freedom of mien and stride that +would not have been tolerated at another time. A few of them limped +unsoldierly in deference to blistered feet. At a little distance in +rear of the stacked <span class="pagenum"><a id="page235" name= +"page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>arms were a few tents out of which +frowsy-headed officers occasionally peered, languidly calling to +their servants to fetch a basin of water, dust a coat or polish a +scabbard. Trim young mounted orderlies, bearing dispatches +obviously unimportant, urged their lazy nags by devious ways +amongst the men, enduring with unconcern their good-humored +raillery, the penalty of superior station. Little negroes of not +very clearly defined status and function lolled on their stomachs, +kicking their long, bare heels in the sunshine, or slumbered +peacefully, unaware of the practical waggery prepared by white +hands for their undoing.</p> +<p>Presently the flag hanging limp and lifeless at headquarters was +seen to lift itself spiritedly from the staff. At the same instant +was heard a dull, distant sound like the heavy breathing of some +great animal below the horizon. The flag had lifted its head to +listen. There was a momentary lull in the hum of the human swarm; +then, as the flag drooped the hush passed away. But there were some +hundreds more men on their feet than before; some thousands of +hearts beating with a quicker pulse.</p> +<p>Again the flag made a warning sign, and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page236" name="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span>again +the breeze bore to our ears the long, deep sighing of iron lungs. +The division, as if it had received the sharp word of command, +sprang to its feet, and stood in groups at “attention.” +Even the little blacks got up. I have since seen similar effects +produced by earthquakes; I am not sure but the ground was trembling +then. The mess-cooks, wise in their generation, lifted the steaming +camp-kettles off the fire and stood by to cast out. The mounted +orderlies had somehow disappeared. Officers came ducking from +beneath their tents and gathered in groups. Headquarters had become +a swarming hive.</p> +<p>The sound of the great guns now came in regular +throbbings—the strong, full pulse of the fever of battle. The +flag flapped excitedly, shaking out its blazonry of stars and +stripes with a sort of fierce delight. Toward the knot of officers +in its shadow dashed from somewhere—he seemed to have burst +out of the ground in a cloud of dust—a mounted aide-de-camp, +and on the instant rose the sharp, clear notes of a bugle, caught +up and repeated, and passed on by other bugles, until the level +reaches of brown fields, the line of woods trending away to far +hills, and the unseen valleys beyond were “telling of the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page237" name="page237"></a>[pg +237]</span>sound,” the farther, fainter strains half drowned +in ringing cheers as the men ran to range themselves behind the +stacks of arms. For this call was not the wearisome +“general” before which the tents go down; it was the +exhilarating “assembly,” which goes to the heart as +wine and stirs the blood like the kisses of a beautiful woman. Who +that has heard it calling to him above the grumble of great guns +can forget the wild intoxication of its music?</p> +<h4>II</h4> +<p>The Confederate forces in Kentucky and Tennessee had suffered a +series of reverses, culminating in the loss of Nashville. The blow +was severe: immense quantities of war material had fallen to the +victor, together with all the important strategic points. General +Johnston withdrew Beauregard’s army to Corinth, in northern +Mississippi, where he hoped so to recruit and equip it as to enable +it to assume the offensive and retake the lost territory.</p> +<p>The town of Corinth was a wretched place—the capital of a +swamp. It is a two days’ march west of the Tennessee River, +which <span class="pagenum"><a id="page238" name="page238"></a>[pg +238]</span>here and for a hundred and fifty miles farther, to where +it falls into the Ohio at Paducah, runs nearly north. It is +navigable to this point—that is to say, to Pittsburg Landing, +where Corinth got to it by a road worn through a thickly wooded +country seamed with ravines and bayous, rising nobody knows where +and running into the river under sylvan arches heavily draped with +Spanish moss. In some places they were obstructed by fallen trees. +The Corinth road was at certain seasons a branch of the Tennessee +River. Its mouth was Pittsburg Landing. Here in 1862 were some +fields and a house or two; now there are a national cemetery and +other improvements.</p> +<p>It was at Pittsburg Landing that Grant established his army, +with a river in his rear and two toy steamboats as a means of +communication with the east side, whither General Buell with thirty +thousand men was moving from Nashville to join him. The question +has been asked, Why did General Grant occupy the enemy’s side +of the river in the face of a superior force before the arrival of +Buell? Buell had a long way to come; perhaps Grant was weary of +waiting. Certainly Johnston was, for in the gray of the morning of +April <span class="pagenum"><a id="page239" name="page239"></a>[pg +239]</span>6th, when Buell’s leading division was <em>en +bivouac</em> near the little town of Savannah, eight or ten miles +below, the Confederate forces, having moved out of Corinth two days +before, fell upon Grant’s advance brigades and destroyed +them. Grant was at Savannah, but hastened to the Landing in time to +find his camps in the hands of the enemy and the remnants of his +beaten army cooped up with an impassable river at their backs for +moral support. I have related how the news of this affair came to +us at Savannah. It came on the wind—a messenger that does not +bear copious details.</p> +<h4>III</h4> +<p>On the side of the Tennessee River, over against Pittsburg +Landing, are some low bare hills, partly inclosed by a forest. In +the dusk of the evening of April 6 this open space, as seen from +the other side of the stream—whence, indeed, it was anxiously +watched by thousands of eyes, to many of which it grew dark long +before the sun went down—would have appeared to have been +ruled in long, dark lines, with new lines being constantly drawn +across. These lines were the regiments <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page240" name="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>of Buell’s +leading division, which having moved up from Savannah through a +country presenting nothing but interminable swamps and pathless +“bottom lands,” with rank overgrowths of jungle, was +arriving at the scene of action breathless, footsore and faint with +hunger. It had been a terrible race; some regiments had lost a +third of their number from fatigue, the men dropping from the ranks +as if shot, and left to recover or die at their leisure. Nor was +the scene to which they had been invited likely to inspire the +moral confidence that medicines physical fatigue. True, the air was +full of thunder and the earth was trembling beneath their feet; and +if there is truth in the theory of the conversion of force, these +men were storing up energy from every shock that burst its waves +upon their bodies. Perhaps this theory may better than another +explain the tremendous endurance of men in battle. But the eyes +reported only matter for despair.</p> +<p>Before us ran the turbulent river, vexed with plunging shells +and obscured in spots by blue sheets of low-lying smoke. The two +little steamers were doing their duty well. They came over to us +empty and went back crowded, sitting very low in the water, +apparently <span class="pagenum"><a id="page241" name= +"page241"></a>[pg 241]</span>on the point of capsizing. The farther +edge of the water could not be seen; the boats came out of the +obscurity, took on their passengers and vanished in the darkness. +But on the heights above, the battle was burning brightly enough; a +thousand lights kindled and expired in every second of time. There +were broad flushings in the sky, against which the branches of the +trees showed black. Sudden flames burst out here and there, singly +and in dozens. Fleeting streaks of fire crossed over to us by way +of welcome. These expired in blinding flashes and fierce little +rolls of smoke, attended with the peculiar metallic ring of +bursting shells, and followed by the musical humming of the +fragments as they struck into the ground on every side, making us +wince, but doing little harm. The air was full of noises. To the +right and the left the musketry rattled smartly and petulantly; +directly in front it sighed and growled. To the experienced ear +this meant that the death-line was an arc of which the river was +the chord. There were deep, shaking explosions and smart shocks; +the whisper of stray bullets and the hurtle of conical shells; the +rush of round shot. There were faint, desultory cheers, such as +announce a momentary or partial triumph. <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page242" name="page242"></a>[pg +242]</span>Occasionally, against the glare behind the trees, could +be seen moving black figures, singularly distinct but apparently no +longer than a thumb. They seemed to me ludicrously like the figures +of demons in old allegorical prints of hell. To destroy these and +all their belongings the enemy needed but another hour of daylight; +the steamers in that case would have been doing him fine service by +bringing more fish to his net. Those of us who had the good fortune +to arrive late could then have eaten our teeth in impotent rage. +Nay, to make his victory sure it did not need that the sun should +pause in the heavens; one of the many random shots falling into the +river would have done the business had chance directed it into the +engine-room of a steamer. You can perhaps fancy the anxiety with +which we watched them leaping down.</p> +<p>But we had two other allies besides the night. Just where the +enemy had pushed his right flank to the river was the mouth of a +wide bayou, and here two gunboats had taken station. They too were +of the toy sort, plated perhaps with railway metals, perhaps with +boiler-iron. They staggered under a heavy gun or two each. The +bayou made an opening in the high bank of the river. The bank +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page243" name="page243"></a>[pg +243]</span>was a parapet, behind which the gunboats crouched, +firing up the bayou as through an embrasure. The enemy was at this +disadvantage: he could not get at the gunboats, and he could +advance only by exposing his flank to their ponderous missiles, one +of which would have broken a half-mile of his bones and made +nothing of it. Very annoying this must have been—these twenty +gunners beating back an army because a sluggish creek had been +pleased to fall into a river at one point rather than another. Such +is the part that accident may play in the game of war.</p> +<p>As a spectacle this was rather fine. We could just discern the +black bodies of these boats, looking very much like turtles. But +when they let off their big guns there was a conflagration. The +river shuddered in its banks, and hurried on, bloody, wounded, +terrified! Objects a mile away sprang toward our eyes as a snake +strikes at the face of its victim. The report stung us to the +brain, but we blessed it audibly. Then we could hear the great +shell tearing away through the air until the sound died out in the +distance; then, a surprisingly long time afterward, a dull, distant +explosion and a sudden silence of small-arms told their own +tale.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page244" name="page244"></a>[pg +244]</span></p> +<h4>IV</h4> +<p>There was, I remember, no elephant on the boat that passed us +across that evening, nor, I think, any hippopotamus. These would +have been out of place. We had, however, a woman. Whether the baby +was somewhere on board I did not learn. She was a fine creature, +this woman; somebody’s wife. Her mission, as she understood +it, was to inspire the failing heart with courage; and when she +selected mine I felt less flattered by her preference than +astonished by her penetration. How did she learn? She stood on the +upper deck with the red blaze of battle bathing her beautiful face, +the twinkle of a thousand rifles mirrored in her eyes; and +displaying a small ivory-handled pistol, she told me in a sentence +punctuated by the thunder of great guns that if it came to the +worst she would do her duty like a man! I am proud to remember that +I took off my hat to this little fool.</p> +<h4>V</h4> +<p>Along the sheltered strip of beach between the river bank and +the water was a confused <span class="pagenum"><a id="page245" +name="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span>mass of humanity—several +thousands of men. They were mostly unarmed; many were wounded; some +dead. All the camp-following tribes were there; all the cowards; a +few officers. Not one of them knew where his regiment was, nor if +he had a regiment. Many had not. These men were defeated, beaten, +cowed. They were deaf to duty and dead to shame. A more demented +crew never drifted to the rear of broken battalions. They would +have stood in their tracks and been shot down to a man by a +provost-marshal’s guard, but they could not have been urged +up that bank. An army’s bravest men are its cowards. The +death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will +meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.</p> +<p>Whenever a steamboat would land, this abominable mob had to be +kept off her with bayonets; when she pulled away, they sprang on +her and were pushed by scores into the water, where they were +suffered to drown one another in their own way. The men +disembarking insulted them, shoved them, struck them. In return +they expressed their unholy delight in the certainty of our +destruction by the enemy.</p> +<p>By the time my regiment had reached the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page246" name="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span>plateau +night had put an end to the struggle. A sputter of rifles would +break out now and then, followed perhaps by a spiritless hurrah. +Occasionally a shell from a far-away battery would come pitching +down somewhere near, with a whir crescendo, or flit above our heads +with a whisper like that made by the wings of a night bird, to +smother itself in the river. But there was no more fighting. The +gunboats, however, blazed away at set intervals all night long, +just to make the enemy uncomfortable and break him of his rest.</p> +<p>For us there was no rest. Foot by foot we moved through the +dusky fields, we knew not whither. There were men all about us, but +no camp-fires; to have made a blaze would have been madness. The +men were of strange regiments; they mentioned the names of unknown +generals. They gathered in groups by the wayside, asking eagerly +our numbers. They recounted the depressing incidents of the day. A +thoughtful officer shut their mouths with a sharp word as he +passed; a wise one coming after encouraged them to repeat their +doleful tale all along the line.</p> +<p>Hidden in hollows and behind clumps of rank brambles were large +tents, dimly lighted with candles, but looking comfortable. The +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page247" name="page247"></a>[pg +247]</span>kind of comfort they supplied was indicated by pairs of +men entering and reappearing, bearing litters; by low moans from +within and by long rows of dead with covered faces outside. These +tents were constantly receiving the wounded, yet were never full; +they were continually ejecting the dead, yet were never empty. It +was as if the helpless had been carried in and murdered, that they +might not hamper those whose business it was to fall to-morrow.</p> +<p>The night was now black-dark; as is usual after a battle, it had +begun to rain. Still we moved; we were being put into position by +somebody. Inch by inch we crept along, treading on one +another’s heels by way of keeping together. Commands were +passed along the line in whispers; more commonly none were given. +When the men had pressed so closely together that they could +advance no farther they stood stock-still, sheltering the locks of +their rifles with their ponchos. In this position many fell asleep. +When those in front suddenly stepped away those in the rear, roused +by the tramping, hastened after with such zeal that the line was +soon choked again. Evidently the head of the division was being +piloted at a snail’s pace by some one who did <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page248" name="page248"></a>[pg 248]</span>not +feel sure of his ground. Very often we struck our feet against the +dead; more frequently against those who still had spirit enough to +resent it with a moan. These were lifted carefully to one side and +abandoned. Some had sense enough to ask in their weak way for +water. Absurd! Their clothes were soaken, their hair dank; their +white faces, dimly discernible, were clammy and cold. Besides, none +of us had any water. There was plenty coming, though, for before +midnight a thunderstorm broke upon us with great violence. The +rain, which had for hours been a dull drizzle, fell with a +copiousness that stifled us; we moved in running water up to our +ankles. Happily, we were in a forest of great trees heavily +“decorated” with Spanish moss, or with an enemy +standing to his guns the disclosures of the lightning might have +been inconvenient. As it was, the incessant blaze enabled us to +consult our watches and encouraged us by displaying our numbers; +our black, sinuous line, creeping like a giant serpent beneath the +trees, was apparently interminable. I am almost ashamed to say how +sweet I found the companionship of those coarse men.</p> +<p>So the long night wore away, and as the glimmer of morning crept +in through the forest <span class="pagenum"><a id="page249" name= +"page249"></a>[pg 249]</span>we found ourselves in a more open +country. But where? Not a sign of battle was here. The trees were +neither splintered nor scarred, the underbrush was unmown, the +ground had no footprints but our own. It was as if we had broken +into glades sacred to eternal silence. I should not have been +surprised to see sleek leopards come fawning about our feet, and +milk-white deer confront us with human eyes.</p> +<p>A few inaudible commands from an invisible leader had placed us +in order of battle. But where was the enemy? Where, too, were the +riddled regiments that we had come to save? Had our other divisions +arrived during the night and passed the river to assist us? or were +we to oppose our paltry five thousand breasts to an army flushed +with victory? What protected our right? Who lay upon our left? Was +there really anything in our front?</p> +<p>There came, borne to us on the raw morning air, the long, weird +note of a bugle. It was directly before us. It rose with a low, +clear, deliberate warble, and seemed to float in the gray sky like +the note of a lark. The bugle calls of the Federal and the +Confederate armies were the same: it was the +“assembly”! As it died away I observed that the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page250" name="page250"></a>[pg +250]</span>atmosphere had suffered a change; despite the +equilibrium established by the storm, it was electric. Wings were +growing on blistered feet. Bruised muscles and jolted bones, +shoulders pounded by the cruel knapsack, eyelids leaden from lack +of sleep—all were pervaded by the subtle fluid, all were +unconscious of their clay. The men thrust forward their heads, +expanded their eyes and clenched their teeth. They breathed hard, +as if throttled by tugging at the leash. If you had laid your hand +in the beard or hair of one of these men it would have crackled and +shot sparks.</p> +<h4>VI</h4> +<p>I suppose the country lying between Corinth and Pittsburg +Landing could boast a few inhabitants other than alligators. What +manner of people they were it is impossible to say, inasmuch as the +fighting dispersed, or possibly exterminated them; perhaps in +merely classing them as non-saurian I shall describe them with +sufficient particularity and at the same time avert from myself the +natural suspicion attaching to a writer who points out to persons +who do not know him the peculiarities of persons whom he does not +know. One thing, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page251" name= +"page251"></a>[pg 251]</span>however, I hope I may without offense +affirm of these swamp-dwellers—they were pious. To what deity +their veneration was given—whether, like the Egyptians, they +worshiped the crocodile, or, like other Americans, adored +themselves, I do not presume to guess. But whoever, or whatever, +may have been the divinity whose ends they shaped, unto Him, or It, +they had builded a temple. This humble edifice, centrally situated +in the heart of a solitude, and conveniently accessible to the +supersylvan crow, had been christened Shiloh Chapel, whence the +name of the battle. The fact of a Christian church—assuming +it to have been a Christian church—giving name to a wholesale +cutting of Christian throats by Christian hands need not be dwelt +on here; the frequency of its recurrence in the history of our +species has somewhat abated the moral interest that would otherwise +attach to it.</p> +<h4>VII</h4> +<p>Owing to the darkness, the storm and the absence of a road, it +had been impossible to move the artillery from the open ground +about the Landing. The privation was much greater in a moral than +in a material sense. The infantry <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page252" name="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span>soldier feels a +confidence in this cumbrous arm quite unwarranted by its actual +achievements in thinning out the opposition. There is something +that inspires confidence in the way a gun dashes up to the front, +shoving fifty or a hundred men to one side as if it said, +“<em>Permit me!</em>” Then it squares its shoulders, +calmly dislocates a joint in its back, sends away its twenty-four +legs and settles down with a quiet rattle which says as plainly as +possible, “I’ve come to stay.” There is a superb +scorn in its grimly defiant attitude, with its nose in the air; it +appears not so much to threaten the enemy as deride him.</p> +<p>Our batteries were probably toiling after us somewhere; we could +only hope the enemy might delay his attack until they should +arrive. “He may delay his defense if he like,” said a +sententious young officer to whom I had imparted this natural wish. +He had read the signs aright; the words were hardly spoken when a +group of staff officers about the brigade commander shot away in +divergent lines as if scattered by a whirlwind, and galloping each +to the commander of a regiment gave the word. There was a momentary +confusion of tongues, a thin line of skirmishers detached itself +from the compact front and pushed forward, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page253" name="page253"></a>[pg +253]</span>followed by its diminutive reserves of half a company +each—one of which platoons it was my fortune to command. When +the straggling line of skirmishers had swept four or five hundred +yards ahead, “See,” said one of my comrades, “she +moves!” She did indeed, and in fine style, her front as +straight as a string, her reserve regiments in columns doubled on +the center, following in true subordination; no braying of brass to +apprise the enemy, no fifing and drumming to amuse him; no +ostentation of gaudy flags; no nonsense. This was a matter of +business.</p> +<p>In a few moments we had passed out of the singular oasis that +had so marvelously escaped the desolation of battle, and now the +evidences of the previous day’s struggle were present in +profusion. The ground was tolerably level here, the forest less +dense, mostly clear of undergrowth, and occasionally opening out +into small natural meadows. Here and there were small +pools—mere discs of rainwater with a tinge of blood. Riven +and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded +bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound +interlacing with those below. Large branches had been lopped, and +hung their green heads to the ground, or swung critically +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page254" name="page254"></a>[pg +254]</span>in their netting of vines, as in a hammock. Many had +been cut clean off and their masses of foliage seriously impeded +the progress of the troops. The bark of these trees, from the root +upward to a height of ten or twenty feet, was so thickly pierced +with bullets and grape that one could not have laid a hand on it +without covering several punctures. None had escaped. How the human +body survives a storm like this must be explained by the fact that +it is exposed to it but a few moments at a time, whereas these +grand old trees had had no one to take their places, from the +rising to the going down of the sun. Angular bits of iron, +concavo-convex, sticking in the sides of muddy depressions, showed +where shells had exploded in their furrows. Knapsacks, canteens, +haversacks distended with soaken and swollen biscuits, gaping to +disgorge, blankets beaten into the soil by the rain, rifles with +bent barrels or splintered stocks, waist-belts, hats and the +omnipresent sardine-box—all the wretched debris of the battle +still littered the spongy earth as far as one could see, in every +direction. Dead horses were everywhere; a few disabled caissons, or +limbers, reclining on one elbow, as it were; ammunition wagons +standing disconsolate behind four or six <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page255" name="page255"></a>[pg +255]</span>sprawling mules. Men? There were men enough; all dead, +apparently, except one, who lay near where I had halted my platoon +to await the slower movement of the line—a Federal sergeant, +variously hurt, who had been a fine giant in his time. He lay face +upward, taking in his breath in convulsive, rattling snorts, and +blowing it out in sputters of froth which crawled creamily down his +cheeks, piling itself alongside his neck and ears. A bullet had +clipped a groove in his skull, above the temple; from this the +brain protruded in bosses, dropping off in flakes and strings. I +had not previously known one could get on, even in this +unsatisfactory fashion, with so little brain. One of my men, whom I +knew for a womanish fellow, asked if he should put his bayonet +through him. Inexpressibly shocked by the cold-blooded proposal, I +told him I thought not; it was unusual, and too many were +looking.</p> +<h4>VIII</h4> +<p>It was plain that the enemy had retreated to Corinth. The +arrival of our fresh troops and their successful passage of the +river had disheartened him. Three or four of his gray cavalry +videttes moving amongst the trees on <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page256" name="page256"></a>[pg 256]</span>the crest of a hill in +our front, and galloping out of sight at the crack of our +skirmishers’ rifles, confirmed us in the belief; an army face +to face with its enemy does not employ cavalry to watch its front. +True, they might be a general and his staff. Crowning this rise we +found a level field, a quarter of a mile in width; beyond it a +gentle acclivity, covered with an undergrowth of young oaks, +impervious to sight. We pushed on into the open, but the division +halted at the edge. Having orders to conform to its movements, we +halted too; but that did not suit; we received an intimation to +proceed. I had performed this sort of service before, and in the +exercise of my discretion deployed my platoon, pushing it forward +at a run, with trailed arms, to strengthen the skirmish line, which +I overtook some thirty or forty yards from the wood. Then—I +can’t describe it—the forest seemed all at once to +flame up and disappear with a crash like that of a great wave upon +the beach—a crash that expired in hot hissings, and the +sickening “spat” of lead against flesh. A dozen of my +brave fellows tumbled over like ten-pins. Some struggled to their +feet, only to go down again, and yet again. Those who stood fired +into the smoking brush and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page257" +name="page257"></a>[pg 257]</span>doggedly retired. We had expected +to find, at most, a line of skirmishers similar to our own; it was +with a view to overcoming them by a sudden <em>coup</em> at the +moment of collision that I had thrown forward my little reserve. +What we had found was a line of battle, coolly holding its fire +till it could count our teeth. There was no more to be done but get +back across the open ground, every superficial yard of which was +throwing up its little jet of mud provoked by an impinging bullet. +We got back, most of us, and I shall never forget the ludicrous +incident of a young officer who had taken part in the affair +walking up to his colonel, who had been a calm and apparently +impartial spectator, and gravely reporting: “The enemy is in +force just beyond this field, sir.”</p> +<h4>IX</h4> +<p>In subordination to the design of this narrative, as defined by +its title, the incidents related necessarily group themselves about +my own personality as a center; and, as this center, during the few +terrible hours of the engagement, maintained a variably constant +relation to the open field already mentioned, it is important that +the reader should bear in <span class="pagenum"><a id="page258" +name="page258"></a>[pg 258]</span>mind the topographical and +tactical features of the local situation. The hither side of the +field was occupied by the front of my brigade—a length of two +regiments in line, with proper intervals for field batteries. +During the entire fight the enemy held the slight wooded acclivity +beyond. The debatable ground to the right and left of the open was +broken and thickly wooded for miles, in some places quite +inaccessible to artillery and at very few points offering +opportunities for its successful employment. As a consequence of +this the two sides of the field were soon studded thickly with +confronting guns, which flamed away at one another with amazing +zeal and rather startling effect. Of course, an infantry attack +delivered from either side was not to be thought of when the +covered flanks offered inducements so unquestionably superior; and +I believe the riddled bodies of my poor skirmishers were the only +ones left on this “neutral ground” that day. But there +was a very pretty line of dead continually growing in our rear, and +doubtless the enemy had at his back a similar encouragement.</p> +<p>The configuration of the ground offered us no protection. By +lying flat on our faces between the guns we were screened from view +by a straggling row of brambles, which <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page259" name="page259"></a>[pg 259]</span>marked the course of an +obsolete fence; but the enemy’s grape was sharper than his +eyes, and it was poor consolation to know that his gunners could +not see what they were doing, so long as they did it. The shock of +our own pieces nearly deafened us, but in the brief intervals we +could hear the battle roaring and stammering in the dark reaches of +the forest to the right and left, where our other divisions were +dashing themselves again and again into the smoking jungle. What +would we not have given to join them in their brave, hopeless task! +But to lie inglorious beneath showers of shrapnel darting divergent +from the unassailable sky—meekly to be blown out of life by +level gusts of grape—to clench our teeth and shrink helpless +before big shot pushing noisily through the consenting +air—this was horrible! “Lie down, there!” a +captain would shout, and then get up himself to see that his order +was obeyed. “Captain, take cover, sir!” the +lieutenant-colonel would shriek, pacing up and down in the most +exposed position that he could find.</p> +<p>O those cursed guns!—not the enemy’s, but our own. +Had it not been for them, we might have died like men. They must be +supported, forsooth, the feeble, boasting bullies! It was +impossible to conceive that these pieces <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page260" name="page260"></a>[pg 260]</span>were +doing the enemy as excellent a mischief as his were doing us; they +seemed to raise their “cloud by day” solely to direct +aright the streaming procession of Confederate missiles. They no +longer inspired confidence, but begot apprehension; and it was with +grim satisfaction that I saw the carriage of one and another +smashed into matchwood by a whooping shot and bundled out of the +line.</p> +<h4>X</h4> +<p>The dense forests wholly or partly in which were fought so many +battles of the Civil War, lay upon the earth in each autumn a thick +deposit of dead leaves and stems, the decay of which forms a soil +of surprising depth and richness. In dry weather the upper stratum +is as inflammable as tinder. A fire once kindled in it will spread +with a slow, persistent advance as far as local conditions permit, +leaving a bed of light ashes beneath which the less combustible +accretions of previous years will smolder until extinguished by +rains. In many of the engagements of the war the fallen leaves took +fire and roasted the fallen men. At Shiloh, during the first +day’s fighting, wide tracts of woodland were burned over in +this <span class="pagenum"><a id="page261" name="page261"></a>[pg +261]</span>way and scores of wounded who might have recovered +perished in slow torture. I remember a deep ravine a little to the +left and rear of the field I have described, in which, by some mad +freak of heroic incompetence, a part of an Illinois regiment had +been surrounded, and refusing to surrender was destroyed, as it +very well deserved. My regiment having at last been relieved at the +guns and moved over to the heights above this ravine for no obvious +purpose, I obtained leave to go down into the valley of death and +gratify a reprehensible curiosity.</p> +<p>Forbidding enough it was in every way. The fire had swept every +superficial foot of it, and at every step I sank into ashes to the +ankle. It had contained a thick undergrowth of young saplings, +every one of which had been severed by a bullet, the foliage of the +prostrate tops being afterward burnt and the stumps charred. Death +had put his sickle into this thicket and fire had gleaned the +field. Along a line which was not that of extreme depression, but +was at every point significantly equidistant from the heights on +either hand, lay the bodies, half buried in ashes; some in the +unlovely looseness of attitude denoting sudden death by the bullet, +but by far <span class="pagenum"><a id="page262" name= +"page262"></a>[pg 262]</span>the greater number in postures of +agony that told of the tormenting flame. Their clothing was half +burnt away—their hair and beard entirely; the rain had come +too late to save their nails. Some were swollen to double girth; +others shriveled to manikins. According to degree of exposure, +their faces were bloated and black or yellow and shrunken. The +contraction of muscles which had given them claws for hands had +cursed each countenance with a hideous grin. Faugh! I cannot +catalogue the charms of these gallant gentlemen who had got what +they enlisted for.</p> +<h4>XI</h4> +<p>It was now three o’clock in the afternoon, and raining. +For fifteen hours we had been wet to the skin. Chilled, sleepy, +hungry and disappointed—profoundly disgusted with the +inglorious part to which they had been condemned—the men of +my regiment did everything doggedly. The spirit had gone quite out +of them. Blue sheets of powder smoke, drifting amongst the trees, +settling against the hillsides and beaten into nothingness by the +falling rain, filled the air with their peculiar pungent odor, but +it no longer stimulated. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page263" +name="page263"></a>[pg 263]</span>For miles on either hand could be +heard the hoarse murmur of the battle, breaking out near by with +frightful distinctness, or sinking to a murmur in the distance; and +the one sound aroused no more attention than the other.</p> +<p>We had been placed again in rear of those guns, but even they +and their iron antagonists seemed to have tired of their feud, +pounding away at one another with amiable infrequency. The right of +the regiment extended a little beyond the field. On the +prolongation of the line in that direction were some regiments of +another division, with one in reserve. A third of a mile back lay +the remnant of somebody’s brigade looking to its wounds. The +line of forest bounding this end of the field stretched as straight +as a wall from the right of my regiment to Heaven knows what +regiment of the enemy. There suddenly appeared, marching down along +this wall, not more than two hundred yards in our front, a dozen +files of gray-clad men with rifles on the right shoulder. At an +interval of fifty yards they were followed by perhaps half as many +more; and in fair supporting distance of these stalked with +confident mien a single man! There seemed to me something +indescribably <span class="pagenum"><a id="page264" name= +"page264"></a>[pg 264]</span>ludicrous in the advance of this +handful of men upon an army, albeit with their left flank protected +by a forest. It does not so impress me now. They were the exposed +flanks of three lines of infantry, each half a mile in length. In a +moment our gunners had grappled with the nearest pieces, swung them +half round, and were pouring streams of canister into the invaded +wood. The infantry rose in masses, springing into line. Our +threatened regiments stood like a wall, their loaded rifles at +“ready,” their bayonets hanging quietly in the +scabbards. The right wing of my own regiment was thrown slightly +backward to threaten the flank of the assault. The battered brigade +away to the rear pulled itself together.</p> +<p>Then the storm burst. A great gray cloud seemed to spring out of +the forest into the faces of the waiting battalions. It was +received with a crash that made the very trees turn up their +leaves. For one instant the assailants paused above their dead, +then struggled forward, their bayonets glittering in the eyes that +shone behind the smoke. One moment, and those unmoved men in blue +would be impaled. What were they about? Why did they not fix +bayonets? Were they stunned <span class="pagenum"><a id="page265" +name="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span>by their own volley? Their +inaction was maddening! Another tremendous crash!—the rear +rank had fired! Humanity, thank Heaven! is not made for this, and +the shattered gray mass drew back a score of paces, opening a +feeble fire. Lead had scored its old-time victory over steel; the +heroic had broken its great heart against the commonplace. There +are those who say that it is sometimes otherwise.</p> +<p>All this had taken but a minute of time, and now the second +Confederate line swept down and poured in its fire. The line of +blue staggered and gave way; in those two terrific volleys it +seemed to have quite poured out its spirit. To this deadly work our +reserve regiment now came up with a run. It was surprising to see +it spitting fire with never a sound, for such was the infernal din +that the ear could take in no more. This fearful scene was enacted +within fifty paces of our toes, but we were rooted to the ground as +if we had grown there. But now our commanding officer rode from +behind us to the front, waved his hand with the courteous gesture +that says <em>apres vous</em>, and with a barely audible cheer we +sprang into the fight. Again the smoking front of gray receded, and +again, as the enemy’s <span class="pagenum"><a id="page266" +name="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span>third line emerged from its leafy +covert, it pushed forward across the piles of dead and wounded to +threaten with protruded steel. Never was seen so striking a proof +of the paramount importance of numbers. Within an area of three +hundred yards by fifty there struggled for front places no fewer +than six regiments; and the accession of each, after the first +collision, had it not been immediately counterpoised, would have +turned the scale.</p> +<p>As matters stood, we were now very evenly matched, and how long +we might have held out God only knows. But all at once something +appeared to have gone wrong with the enemy’s left; our men +had somewhere pierced his line. A moment later his whole front gave +way, and springing forward with fixed bayonets we pushed him in +utter confusion back to his original line. Here, among the tents +from which Grant’s people had been expelled the day before, +our broken and disordered regiments inextricably intermingled, and +drunken with the wine of triumph, dashed confidently against a pair +of trim battalions, provoking a tempest of hissing lead that made +us stagger under its very weight. The sharp onset of another +against our flank sent us whirling back with fire at our heels and +fresh <span class="pagenum"><a id="page267" name="page267"></a>[pg +267]</span>foes in merciless pursuit—who in their turn were +broken upon the front of the invalided brigade previously +mentioned, which had moved up from the rear to assist in this +lively work.</p> +<p>As we rallied to reform behind our beloved guns and noted the +ridiculous brevity of our line—as we sank from sheer fatigue, +and tried to moderate the terrific thumping of our hearts—as +we caught our breath to ask who had seen such-and-such a comrade, +and laughed hysterically at the reply—there swept past us and +over us into the open field a long regiment with fixed bayonets and +rifles on the right shoulder. Another followed, and another; +two—three—four! Heavens! where do all these men come +from, and why did they not come before? How grandly and confidently +they go sweeping on like long blue waves of ocean chasing one +another to the cruel rocks! Involuntarily we draw in our weary feet +beneath us as we sit, ready to spring up and interpose our breasts +when these gallant lines shall come back to us across the terrible +field, and sift brokenly through among the trees with spouting +fires at their backs. We still our breathing to catch the full +grandeur of the volleys that are to tear them to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page268" name="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span>shreds. +Minute after minute passes and the sound does not come. Then for +the first time we note that the silence of the whole region is not +comparative, but absolute. Have we become stone deaf? See; here +comes a stretcher-bearer, and there a surgeon! Good heavens! a +chaplain!</p> +<p>The battle was indeed at an end.</p> +<h4>XII</h4> +<p>And this was, O so long ago! How they come back to +me—dimly and brokenly, but with what a magic +spell—those years of youth when I was soldiering! Again I +hear the far warble of blown bugles. Again I see the tall, blue +smoke of camp-fires ascending from the dim valleys of Wonderland. +There steals upon my sense the ghost of an odor from pines that +canopy the ambuscade. I feel upon my cheek the morning mist that +shrouds the hostile camp unaware of its doom, and my blood stirs at +the ringing rifle-shot of the solitary sentinel. Unfamiliar +landscapes, glittering with sunshine or sullen with rain, come to +me demanding recognition, pass, vanish and give place to others. +Here in the night stretches a wide and blasted field studded with +half-extinct <span class="pagenum"><a id="page269" name= +"page269"></a>[pg 269]</span>fires burning redly with I know not +what presage of evil. Again I shudder as I note its desolation and +its awful silence. Where was it? To what monstrous inharmony of +death was it the visible prelude?</p> +<p>O days when all the world was beautiful and strange; when +unfamiliar constellations burned in the Southern midnights, and the +mocking-bird poured out his heart in the moon-gilded magnolia; when +there was something new under a new sun; will your fine, far +memories ever cease to lay contrasting pictures athwart the harsher +features of this later world, accentuating the ugliness of the +longer and tamer life? Is it not strange that the phantoms of a +blood-stained period have so airy a grace and look with so tender +eyes?—that I recall with difficulty the danger and death and +horrors of the time, and without effort all that was gracious and +picturesque? Ah, Youth, there is no such wizard as thou! Give me +but one touch of thine artist hand upon the dull canvas of the +Present; gild for but one moment the drear and somber scenes of +to-day, and I will willingly surrender an other life than the one +that I should have thrown away at Shiloh.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page270" name="page270"></a>[pg +270]</span></p> +<h3><a id="chickamauga" name="chickamauga">A Little of +Chickamauga</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The history of that awful struggle is well known—I have +not the intention to record it here, but only to relate some part +of what I saw of it; my purpose not instruction, but +entertainment.</p> +<p>I was an officer of the staff of a Federal brigade. Chickamauga +was not my first battle by many, for although hardly more than a +boy in years, I had served at the front from the beginning of the +trouble, and had seen enough of war to give me a fair understanding +of it. We knew well enough that there was to be a fight: the fact +that we did not want one would have told us that, for Bragg always +retired when we wanted to fight and fought when we most desired +peace. We had manoeuvred him out of Chattanooga, but had not +manoeuvred our entire army into it, and he fell back so sullenly +that those of us who followed, keeping him actually in sight, were +a good deal more concerned about effecting a junction with the rest +of our army than to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page271" name= +"page271"></a>[pg 271]</span>push the pursuit. By the time that +Rosecrans had got his three scattered corps together we were a long +way from Chattanooga, with our line of communication with it so +exposed that Bragg turned to seize it. Chickamauga was a fight for +possession of a road.</p> +<p>Back along this road raced Crittenden’s corps, with those +of Thomas and McCook, which had not before traversed it. The whole +army was moving by its left.</p> +<p>There was sharp fighting all along and all day, for the forest +was so dense that the hostile lines came almost into contact before +fighting was possible. One instance was particularly horrible. +After some hours of close engagement my brigade, with foul pieces +and exhausted cartridge boxes, was relieved and withdrawn to the +road to protect several batteries of artillery—probably two +dozen pieces—which commanded an open field in the rear of our +line. Before our weary and virtually disarmed men had actually +reached the guns the line in front gave way, fell back behind the +guns and went on, the Lord knows whither. A moment later the field +was gray with Confederates in pursuit. Then the guns opened fire +with grape and canister and for perhaps five minutes—it +seemed an hour—nothing <span class="pagenum"><a id="page272" +name="page272"></a>[pg 272]</span>could be heard but the infernal +din of their discharge and nothing seen through the smoke but a +great ascension of dust from the smitten soil. When all was over, +and the dust cloud had lifted, the spectacle was too dreadful to +describe. The Confederates were still there—all of them, it +seemed—some almost under the muzzles of the guns. But not a +man of all these brave fellows was on his feet, and so thickly were +all covered with dust that they looked as if they had been +reclothed in yellow.</p> +<p>“We bury our dead,” said a gunner, grimly, though +doubtless all were afterward dug out, for some were partly +alive.</p> +<p>To a “day of danger” succeeded a “night of +waking.” The enemy, everywhere held back from the road, +continued to stretch his line northward in the hope to overlap us +and put himself between us and Chattanooga. We neither saw nor +heard his movement, but any man with half a head would have known +that he was making it, and we met it by a parallel movement to our +left. By morning we had edged along a good way and thrown up rude +intrenchments at a little distance from the road, on the threatened +side. The day was not very far advanced when we were attacked +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page273" name="page273"></a>[pg +273]</span>furiously all along the line, beginning at the left. +When repulsed, the enemy came again and again—his persistence +was dispiriting. He seemed to be using against us the law of +probabilities: of so many efforts one would eventually succeed.</p> +<p>One did, and it was my luck to see it win. I had been sent by my +chief, General Hazen, to order up some artillery ammunition and +rode away to the right and rear in search of it. Finding an +ordnance train I obtained from the officer in charge a few wagons +loaded with what I wanted, but he seemed in doubt as to our +occupancy of the region across which I proposed to guide them. +Although assured that I had just traversed it, and that it lay +immediately behind Wood’s division, he insisted on riding to +the top of the ridge behind which his train lay and overlooking the +ground. We did so, when to my astonishment I saw the entire country +in front swarming with Confederates; the very earth seemed to be +moving toward us! They came on in thousands, and so rapidly that we +had barely time to turn tail and gallop down the hill and away, +leaving them in possession of the train, many of the wagons being +upset by frantic efforts to put them about. By what miracle that +officer <span class="pagenum"><a id="page274" name= +"page274"></a>[pg 274]</span>had sensed the situation I did not +learn, for we parted company then and there and I never again saw +him.</p> +<p>By a misunderstanding Wood’s division had been withdrawn +from our line of battle just as the enemy was making an assault. +Through the gap of half a mile the Confederates charged without +opposition, cutting our army clean in two. The right divisions were +broken up and with General Rosecrans in their midst fled how they +could across the country, eventually bringing up in Chattanooga, +whence Rosecrans telegraphed to Washington the destruction of the +rest of his army. The rest of his army was standing its ground.</p> +<p>A good deal of nonsense used to be talked about the heroism of +General Garfield, who, caught in the rout of the right, +nevertheless went back and joined the undefeated left under General +Thomas. There was no great heroism in it; that is what every man +should have done, including the commander of the army. We could +hear Thomas’s guns going—those of us who had ears for +them—and all that was needful was to make a sufficiently wide +detour and then move toward the sound. I did so myself, and have +never felt that it <span class="pagenum"><a id="page275" name= +"page275"></a>[pg 275]</span>ought to make me President. Moreover, +on my way I met General Negley, and my duties as topographical +engineer having given me some knowledge of the lay of the land +offered to pilot him back to glory or the grave. I am sorry to say +my good offices were rejected a little uncivilly, which I +charitably attributed to the general’s obvious absence of +mind. His mind, I think, was in Nashville, behind a breastwork.</p> +<p>Unable to find my brigade, I reported to General Thomas, who +directed me to remain with him. He had assumed command of all the +forces still intact and was pretty closely beset. The battle was +fierce and continuous, the enemy extending his lines farther and +farther around our right, toward our line of retreat. We could not +meet the extension otherwise than by “refusing” our +right flank and letting him inclose us; which but for gallant +Gordon Granger he would inevitably have done.</p> +<p>This was the way of it. Looking across the fields in our rear +(rather longingly) I had the happy distinction of a discoverer. +What I saw was the shimmer of sunlight on metal: lines of troops +were coming in behind us! The distance was too great, the +atmosphere <span class="pagenum"><a id="page276" name= +"page276"></a>[pg 276]</span>too hazy to distinguish the color of +their uniform, even with a glass. Reporting my momentous +“find” I was directed by the general to go and see who +they were. Galloping toward them until near enough to see that they +were of our kidney I hastened back with the glad tidings and was +sent again, to guide them to the general’s position.</p> +<p>It was General Granger with two strong brigades of the reserve, +moving soldier-like toward the sound of heavy firing. Meeting him +and his staff I directed him to Thomas, and unable to think of +anything better to do decided to go visiting. I knew I had a +brother in that gang—an officer of an Ohio battery. I soon +found him near the head of a column, and as we moved forward we had +a comfortable chat amongst such of the enemy’s bullets as had +inconsiderately been fired too high. The incident was a trifle +marred by one of them unhorsing another officer of the battery, +whom we propped against a tree and left. A few moments later +Granger’s force was put in on the right and the fighting was +terrific!</p> +<p>By accident I now found Hazen’s brigade—or what +remained of it—which had made a half-mile march to add itself +to the unrouted at the memorable Snodgrass Hill. Hazen’s +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page277" name="page277"></a>[pg +277]</span>first remark to me was an inquiry about that artillery +ammunition that he had sent me for.</p> +<p>It was needed badly enough, as were other kinds: for the last +hour or two of that interminable day Granger’s were the only +men that had enough ammunition to make a five minutes’ fight. +Had the Confederates made one more general attack we should have +had to meet them with the bayonet alone. I don’t know why +they did not; probably they were short of ammunition. I know, +though, that while the sun was taking its own time to set we lived +through the agony of at least one death each, waiting for them to +come on.</p> +<p>At last it grew too dark to fight. Then away to our left and +rear some of Bragg’s people set up “the rebel +yell.” It was taken up successively and passed round to our +front, along our right and in behind us again, until it seemed +almost to have got to the point whence it started. It was the +ugliest sound that any mortal ever heard—even a mortal +exhausted and unnerved by two days of hard fighting, without sleep, +without rest, without food and without hope. There was, however, a +space somewhere at the back of us across which that horrible yell +did not prolong itself; <span class="pagenum"><a id="page278" name= +"page278"></a>[pg 278]</span>and through that we finally retired in +profound silence and dejection, unmolested.</p> +<p>To those of us who have survived the attacks of both Bragg and +Time, and who keep in memory the dear dead comrades whom we left +upon that fateful field, the place means much. May it mean +something less to the younger men whose tents are now pitched +where, with bended heads and clasped hands, God’s great +angels stood invisible among the heroes in blue and the heroes in +gray, sleeping their last sleep in the woods of Chickamauga.</p> +<p><em>1898</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page279" name="page279"></a>[pg +279]</span></p> +<h3><a id="picketts" name="picketts">The Crime at Pickett’s +Mill</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is a class of events which by their very nature, and +despite any intrinsic interest that they may possess, are +foredoomed to oblivion. They are merged in the general story of +those greater events of which they were a part, as the thunder of a +billow breaking on a distant beach is unnoted in the continuous +roar. To how many having knowledge of the battles of our Civil War +does the name Pickett’s Mill suggest acts of heroism and +devotion performed in scenes of awful carnage to accomplish the +impossible? Buried in the official reports of the victors there are +indeed imperfect accounts of the engagement: the vanquished have +not thought it expedient to relate it. It is ignored by General +Sherman in his memoirs, yet Sherman ordered it. General Howard +wrote an account of the campaign of which it was an incident, and +dismissed it in a single sentence; yet General Howard planned it, +and it was fought as an isolated and independent action under his +eye. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page280" name="page280"></a>[pg +280]</span>Whether it was so trifling an affair as to justify this +inattention let the reader judge.</p> +<p>The fight occurred on the 27th of May, 1864, while the armies of +Generals Sherman and Johnston confronted each other near Dallas, +Georgia, during the memorable “Atlanta campaign.” For +three weeks we had been pushing the Confederates southward, partly +by manoeuvring, partly by fighting, out of Dalton, out of Resaca, +through Adairsville, Kingston and Cassville. Each army offered +battle everywhere, but would accept it only on its own terms. At +Dallas Johnston made another stand and Sherman, facing the hostile +line, began his customary manoeuvring for an advantage. General +Wood’s division of Howard’s corps occupied a position +opposite the Confederate right. Johnston finding himself on the +26th overlapped by Schofield, still farther to Wood’s left, +retired his right (Polk) across a creek, whither we followed him +into the woods with a deal of desultory bickering, and at nightfall +had established the new lines at nearly a right angle with the +old—Schofield reaching well around and threatening the +Confederate rear.</p> +<p>The civilian reader must not suppose when he reads accounts of +military operations in <span class="pagenum"><a id="page281" name= +"page281"></a>[pg 281]</span>which relative positions of the forces +are defined, as in the foregoing passages, that these were matters +of general knowledge to those engaged. Such statements are commonly +made, even by those high in command, in the light of later +disclosures, such as the enemy’s official reports. It is +seldom, indeed, that a subordinate officer knows anything about the +disposition of the enemy’s forces—except that it is +unaimable—or precisely whom he is fighting. As to the rank +and file, they can know nothing more of the matter than the arms +they carry. They hardly know what troops are upon their own right +or left the length of a regiment away. If it is a cloudy day they +are ignorant even of the points of the compass. It may be said, +generally, that a soldier’s knowledge of what is going on +about him is coterminous with his official relation to it and his +personal connection with it; what is going on in front of him he +does not know at all until he learns it afterward.</p> +<p>At nine o’clock on the morning of the 27th Wood’s +division was withdrawn and replaced by Stanley’s. Supported +by Johnson’s division, it moved at ten o’clock to the +left, in the rear of Schofield, a distance of four miles through a +forest, and at two o’clock in <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page282" name="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span>the afternoon had +reached a position where General Howard believed himself free to +move in behind the enemy’s forces and attack them in the +rear, or at least, striking them in the flank, crush his way along +their line in the direction of its length, throw them into +confusion and prepare an easy victory for a supporting attack in +front. In selecting General Howard for this bold adventure General +Sherman was doubtless not unmindful of Chancellorsville, where +Stonewall Jackson had executed a similar manoeuvre for +Howard’s instruction. Experience is a normal school: it +teaches how to teach.</p> +<p>There are some differences to be noted. At Chancellorsville it +was Jackson who attacked; at Pickett’s Mill, Howard. At +Chancellorsville it was Howard who was assailed; at Pickett’s +Mill, Hood. The significance of the first distinction is doubled by +that of the second.</p> +<p>The attack, it was understood, was to be made in column of +brigades, Hazen’s brigade of Wood’s division leading. +That such was at least Hazen’s understanding I learned from +his own lips during the movement, as I was an officer of his staff. +But after a march of less than a mile an hour and a further delay +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page283" name="page283"></a>[pg +283]</span>of three hours at the end of it to acquaint the enemy of +our intention to surprise him, our single shrunken brigade of +fifteen hundred men was sent forward without support to double up +the army of General Johnston. “We will put in Hazen and see +what success he has.” In these words of General Wood to +General Howard we were first apprised of the true nature of the +distinction about to be conferred upon us.</p> +<p>General W.B. Hazen, a born fighter, an educated soldier, after +the war Chief Signal Officer of the Army and now long dead, was the +best hated man that I ever knew, and his very memory is a terror to +every unworthy soul in the service. His was a stormy life: he was +in trouble all round. Grant, Sherman, Sheridan and a countless +multitude of the less eminent luckless had the misfortune, at one +time and another, to incur his disfavor, and he tried to punish +them all. He was always—after the war—the central +figure of a court-martial or a Congressional inquiry, was accused +of everything, from stealing to cowardice, was banished to obscure +posts, “jumped on” by the press, traduced in public and +in private, and always emerged triumphant. While Signal Officer, he +went up against the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page284" name= +"page284"></a>[pg 284]</span>Secretary of War and put him to the +controversial sword. He convicted Sheridan of falsehood, Sherman of +barbarism, Grant of inefficiency. He was aggressive, arrogant, +tyrannical, honorable, truthful, courageous—skillful soldier, +a faithful friend and one of the most exasperating of men Duty was +his religion, and like the Moslem he proselyted with the sword. His +missionary efforts were directed chiefly against the spiritual +darkness of his superiors in rank, though he would turn aside from +pursuit of his erring commander to set a chicken-thieving orderly +astride a wooden horse, with a heavy stone attached to each foot. +“Hazen,” said a brother brigadier, “is a synonym +of insubordination.” For my commander and my friend, my +master in the art of war, now unable to answer for himself, let +this fact answer: when he heard Wood say they would put him in and +see what success he would have in defeating an army—when he +saw Howard assent—he uttered never a word, rode to the head +of his feeble brigade and patiently awaited the command to go. Only +by a look which I knew how to read did he betray his sense of the +criminal blunder.</p> +<p>The enemy had now had seven hours in <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page285" name="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>which +to learn of the movement and prepare to meet it. General Johnston +says:</p> +<p>“The Federal troops extended their intrenched line [we did +not intrench] so rapidly to their left that it was found necessary +to transfer Cleburne’s division to Hardee’s corps to +our right, where it was formed on the prolongation of Polk’s +line.”</p> +<p>General Hood, commanding the enemy’s right corps, +says:</p> +<p>“On the morning of the 27th the enemy were known to be +rapidly extending their left, attempting to turn my right as they +extended. Cleburne was deployed to meet them, and at half-past five +P.M. a very stubborn attack was made on this division, extending to +the right, where Major-General Wheeler with his cavalry division +was engaging them. The assault was continued with great +determination upon both Cleburne and Wheeler.”</p> +<p>That, then, was the situation: a weak brigade of fifteen hundred +men, with masses of idle troops behind in the character of +audience, waiting for the word to march a quarter-mile up hill +through almost impassable tangles of underwood, along and across +precipitous ravines, and attack breastworks constructed at leisure +and manned with two divisions <span class="pagenum"><a id="page286" +name="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span>of troops as good as themselves. +True, we did not know all this, but if any man on that ground +besides Wood and Howard expected a “walkover” his must +have been a singularly hopeful disposition. As topographical +engineer it had been my duty to make a hasty examination of the +ground in front. In doing so I had pushed far enough forward +through the forest to hear distinctly the murmur of the enemy +awaiting us, and this had been duly reported; but from our lines +nothing could be heard but the wind among the trees and the songs +of birds. Some one said it was a pity to frighten them, but there +would necessarily be more or less noise. We laughed at that: men +awaiting death on the battlefield laugh easily, though not +infectiously.</p> +<p>The brigade was formed in four battalions, two in front and two +in rear. This gave us a front of about two hundred yards. The right +front battalion was commanded by Colonel R.L. Kimberly of the 41st +Ohio, the left by Colonel O.H. Payne of the 124th Ohio, the rear +battalions by Colonel J.C. Foy, 23d Kentucky, and Colonel W.W. +Berry, 5th Kentucky—all brave and skillful officers, tested +by experience on many fields. The <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page287" name="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>whole command (known as +the Second Brigade, Third Division, Fourth Corps) consisted of no +fewer than nine regiments, reduced by long service to an average of +less than two hundred men each. With full ranks and only the +necessary details for special duty we should have had some eight +thousand rifles in line.</p> +<p>We moved forward. In less than one minute the trim battalions +had become simply a swarm of men struggling through the undergrowth +of the forest, pushing and crowding. The front was irregularly +serrated, the strongest and bravest in advance, the others +following in fan-like formations, variable and inconstant, ever +defining themselves anew. For the first two hundred yards our +course lay along the left bank of a small creek in a deep ravine, +our left battalions sweeping along its steep slope. Then we came to +the fork of the ravine. A part of us crossed below, the rest above, +passing over both branches, the regiments inextricably +intermingled, rendering all military formation impossible. The +color-bearers kept well to the front with their flags, closely +furled, aslant backward over their shoulders. Displayed, they would +have been torn to rags by the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page288" +name="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span>boughs of the trees. Horses were +all sent to the rear; the general and staff and all the field +officers toiled along on foot as best they could. “We shall +halt and form when we get out of this,” said an +aide-de-camp.</p> +<p>Suddenly there were a ringing rattle of musketry, the familiar +hissing of bullets, and before us the interspaces of the forest +were all blue with smoke. Hoarse, fierce yells broke out of a +thousand throats. The forward fringe of brave and hardy assailants +was arrested in its mutable extensions; the edge of our swarm grew +dense and clearly defined as the foremost halted, and the rest +pressed forward to align themselves beside them, all firing. The +uproar was deafening; the air was sibilant with streams and sheets +of missiles. In the steady, unvarying roar of small-arms the +frequent shock of the cannon was rather felt than heard, but the +gusts of grape which they blew into that populous wood were audible +enough, screaming among the trees and cracking against their stems +and branches. We had, of course, no artillery to reply.</p> +<p>Our brave color-bearers were now all in the forefront of battle +in the open, for the enemy had cleared a space in front of his +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page289" name="page289"></a>[pg +289]</span>breastworks. They held the colors erect, shook out their +glories, waved them forward and back to keep them spread, for there +was no wind. From where I stood, at the right of the line—we +had “halted and formed,” indeed—I could see six +of our flags at one time. Occasionally one would go down, only to +be instantly lifted by other hands.</p> +<p>I must here quote again from General Johnston’s account of +this engagement, for nothing could more truly indicate the resolute +nature of the attack than the Confederate belief that it was made +by the whole Fourth Corps, instead of one weak brigade:</p> +<p>“The Fourth Corps came on in deep order and assailed the +Texans with great vigor, receiving their close and accurate fire +with the fortitude always exhibited by General Sherman’s +troops in the actions of this campaign…. The Federal troops +approached within a few yards of the Confederates, but at last were +forced to give way by their storm of well-directed bullets, and +fell back to the shelter of a hollow near and behind them. They +left hundreds of corpses within twenty paces of the Confederate +line. When the United States troops paused in their advance within +fifteen paces of the Texan front rank <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page290" name="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span>one of their +color-bearers planted his colors eight or ten feet in front of his +regiment, and was instantly shot dead. A soldier sprang forward to +his place and fell also as he grasped the color-staff. A second and +third followed successively, and each received death as speedily as +his predecessors. A fourth, however, seized and bore back the +object of soldierly devotion.”</p> +<p>Such incidents have occurred in battle from time to time since +men began to venerate the symbols of their cause, but they are not +commonly related by the enemy. If General Johnston had known that +his veteran divisions were throwing their successive lines against +fewer than fifteen hundred men his glowing tribute to his +enemy’s valor could hardly have been more generously +expressed. I can attest the truth of his soldierly praise: I saw +the occurrence that he relates and regret that I am unable to +recall even the name of the regiment whose colors were so gallantly +saved.</p> +<p>Early in my military experience I used to ask myself how it was +that brave troops could retreat while still their courage was high. +As long as a man is not disabled he can go forward; can it be +anything but fear that makes him stop and finally retire? Are there +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page291" name="page291"></a>[pg +291]</span>signs by which he can infallibly know the struggle to be +hopeless? In this engagement, as in others, my doubts were answered +as to the fact; the explanation is still obscure. In many instances +which have come under my observation, when hostile lines of +infantry engage at close range and the assailants afterward retire, +there was a “dead-line” beyond which no man advanced +but to fall. Not a soul of them ever reached the enemy’s +front to be bayoneted or captured. It was a matter of the +difference of three or four paces—too small a distance to +affect the accuracy of aim. In these affairs no aim is taken at +individual antagonists; the soldier delivers his fire at the +thickest mass in his front. The fire is, of course, as deadly at +twenty paces as at fifteen; at fifteen as at ten. Nevertheless, +there is the “dead-line,” with its well-defined edge of +corpses—those of the bravest. Where both lines are fighting +without cover—as in a charge met by a +counter-charge—each has its “dead-line,” and +between the two is a clear space—neutral ground, devoid of +dead, for the living cannot reach it to fall there.</p> +<p>I observed this phenomenon at Pickett’s Mill. Standing at +the right of the line I had an unobstructed view of the narrow, +open <span class="pagenum"><a id="page292" name="page292"></a>[pg +292]</span>space across which the two lines fought. It was dim with +smoke, but not greatly obscured: the smoke rose and spread in +sheets among the branches of the trees. Most of our men fought +kneeling as they fired, many of them behind trees, stones and +whatever cover they could get, but there were considerable groups +that stood. Occasionally one of these groups, which had endured the +storm of missiles for moments without perceptible reduction, would +push forward, moved by a common despair, and wholly detach itself +from the line. In a second every man of the group would be down. +There had been no visible movement of the enemy, no audible change +in the awful, even roar of the firing—yet all were down. +Frequently the dim figure of an individual soldier would be seen to +spring away from his comrades, advancing alone toward that fateful +interspace, with leveled bayonet. He got no farther than the +farthest of his predecessors. Of the “hundreds of corpses +within twenty paces of the Confederate line,” I venture to +say that a third were within fifteen paces, and not one within +ten.</p> +<p>It is the perception—perhaps unconscious—of this +inexplicable phenomenon that causes the still unharmed, still +vigorous and still <span class="pagenum"><a id="page293" name= +"page293"></a>[pg 293]</span>courageous soldier to retire without +having come into actual contact with his foe. He sees, or feels, +that he <em>cannot</em>. His bayonet is a useless weapon for +slaughter; its purpose is a moral one. Its mandate exhausted, he +sheathes it and trusts to the bullet. That failing, he retreats. He +has done all that he could do with such appliances as he has.</p> +<p>No command to fall back was given, none could have been heard. +Man by man, the survivors withdrew at will, sifting through the +trees into the cover of the ravines, among the wounded who could +drag themselves back; among the skulkers whom nothing could have +dragged forward. The left of our short line had fought at the +corner of a cornfield, the fence along the right side of which was +parallel to the direction of our retreat. As the disorganized +groups fell back along this fence on the wooded side, they were +attacked by a flanking force of the enemy moving through the field +in a direction nearly parallel with what had been our front. This +force, I infer from General Johnston’s account, consisted of +the brigade of General Lowry, or two Arkansas regiments under +Colonel Baucum. I had been sent by General Hazen to that point and +arrived in time to witness this formidable <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page294" name="page294"></a>[pg +294]</span>movement. But already our retreating men, in obedience +to their officers, their courage and their instinct of +self-preservation, had formed along the fence and opened fire. The +apparently slight advantage of the imperfect cover and the open +range worked its customary miracle: the assault, a singularly +spiritless one, considering the advantages it promised and that it +was made by an organized and victorious force against a broken and +retreating one, was checked. The assailants actually retired, and +if they afterward renewed the movement they encountered none but +our dead and wounded.</p> +<p>The battle, as a battle, was at an end, but there was still some +slaughtering that it was possible to incur before nightfall; and as +the wreck of our brigade drifted back through the forest we met the +brigade (Gibson’s) which, had the attack been made in column, +as it should have been, would have been but five minutes behind our +heels, with another five minutes behind its own. As it was, just +forty-five minutes had elapsed, during which the enemy had +destroyed us and was now ready to perform the same kindly office +for our successors. Neither Gibson nor the brigade which was sent +to his “relief” as tardily as <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page295" name="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span>he to +ours accomplished, or could have hoped to accomplish, anything +whatever. I did not note their movements, having other duties, but +Hazen in his “Narrative of Military Service” says:</p> +<p>“I witnessed the attack of the two brigades following my +own, and none of these (troops) advanced nearer than one hundred +yards of the enemy’s works. They went in at a run, and as +organizations were broken in less than a minute.”</p> +<p>Nevertheless their losses were considerable, including several +hundred prisoners taken from a sheltered place whence they did not +care to rise and run. The entire loss was about fourteen hundred +men, of whom nearly one-half fell killed and wounded in +Hazen’s brigade in less than thirty minutes of actual +fighting.</p> +<p>General Johnston says:</p> +<p>“The Federal dead lying near our line were counted by many +persons, officers and soldiers. According to these counts there +were seven hundred of them.”</p> +<p>This is obviously erroneous, though I have not the means at hand +to ascertain the true number. I remember that we were all +astonished at the uncommonly large proportion of <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page296" name="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span>dead to +wounded—a consequence of the uncommonly close range at which +most of the fighting was done.</p> +<p>The action took its name from a water-power mill near by. This +was on a branch of a stream having, I am sorry to say, the prosaic +name of Pumpkin Vine Creek. I have my own reasons for suggesting +that the name of that water-course be altered to Sunday-School +Run.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page297" name="page297"></a>[pg +297]</span></p> +<h3><a id="dixie" name="dixie">Four Days in Dixie</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>During a part of the month of October, 1864, the Federal and +Confederate armies of Sherman and Hood respectively, having +performed a surprising and resultless series of marches and +countermarches since the fall of Atlanta, confronted each other +along the separating line of the Coosa River in the vicinity of +Gaylesville, Alabama. Here for several days they remained at +rest—at least most of the infantry and artillery did; what +the cavalry was doing nobody but itself ever knew or greatly cared. +It was an interregnum of expectancy between two régimes of +activity.</p> +<p>I was on the staff of Colonel McConnell, who commanded an +infantry brigade in the absence of its regular commander. McConnell +was a good man, but he did not keep a very tight rein upon the half +dozen restless and reckless young fellows who (for his sins) +constituted his “military family.” In most matters we +followed the trend of our desires, <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page298" name="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span>which commonly ran in +the direction of adventure—it did not greatly matter what +kind. In pursuance of this policy of escapades, one bright Sunday +morning Lieutenant Cobb, an aide-de-camp, and I mounted and set out +to “seek our fortunes,” as the story books have it. +Striking into a road of which we knew nothing except that it led +toward the river, we followed it for a mile or such a matter, when +we found our advance interrupted by a considerable creek, which we +must ford or go back. We consulted a moment and then rode at it as +hard as we could, possibly in the belief that a high momentum would +act as it does in the instance of a skater passing over thin ice. +Cobb was fortunate enough to get across comparatively dry, but his +hapless companion was utterly submerged. The disaster was all the +greater from my having on a resplendent new uniform, of which I had +been pardonably vain. Ah, what a gorgeous new uniform it never was +again!</p> +<p>A half-hour devoted to wringing my clothing and dry-charging my +revolver, and we were away. A brisk canter of a half-hour under the +arches of the trees brought us to the river, where it was our ill +luck to find a boat and three soldiers of our brigade. These +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page299" name="page299"></a>[pg +299]</span>men had been for several hours concealed in the brush +patiently watching the opposite bank in the amiable hope of getting +a shot at some unwary Confederate, but had seen none. For a great +distance up and down the stream on the other side, and for at least +a mile back from it, extended cornfields. Beyond the cornfields, on +slightly higher ground, was a thin forest, with breaks here and +there in its continuity, denoting plantations, probably. No houses +were in sight, and no camps. We knew that it was the enemy’s +ground, but whether his forces were disposed along the slightly +higher country bordering the bottom lands, or at strategic points +miles back, as ours were, we knew no more than the least curious +private in our army. In any case the river line would naturally be +picketed or patrolled. But the charm of the unknown was upon us: +the mysterious exerted its old-time fascination, beckoning to us +from that silent shore so peaceful and dreamy in the beauty of the +quiet Sunday morning. The temptation was strong and we fell. The +soldiers were as eager for the hazard as we, and readily +volunteered for the madmen’s enterprise. Concealing our +horses in a cane-brake, we unmoored the boat and rowed across +unmolested.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page300" name="page300"></a>[pg +300]</span>Arrived at a kind of “landing” on the other +side, our first care was so to secure the boat under the bank as to +favor a hasty re-embarking in case we should be so unfortunate as +to incur the natural consequence of our act; then, following an old +road through the ranks of standing corn, we moved in force upon the +Confederate position, five strong, with an armament of three +Springfield rifles and two Colt’s revolvers. We had not the +further advantage of music and banners. One thing favored the +expedition, giving it an apparent assurance of success: it was well +officered—an officer to each man and a half.</p> +<p>After marching about a mile we came into a neck of woods and +crossed an intersecting road which showed no wheel-tracks, but was +rich in hoof-prints. We observed them and kept right on about our +business, whatever that may have been. A few hundred yards farther +brought us to a plantation bordering our road upon the right. The +fields, as was the Southern fashion at that period of the war, were +uncultivated and overgrown with brambles. A large white house stood +at some little distance from the road; we saw women and children +and a few negroes there. On our left ran the thin forest, pervious +to cavalry. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page301" name= +"page301"></a>[pg 301]</span>Directly ahead an ascent in the road +formed a crest beyond which we could see nothing.</p> +<p>On this crest suddenly appeared two horsemen in gray, sharply +outlined against the sky—men and animals looking gigantic. At +the same instant a jingling and tramping were audible behind us, +and turning in that direction I saw a score of mounted men moving +forward at a trot. In the meantime the giants on the crest had +multiplied surprisingly. Our invasion of the Gulf States had +apparently failed.</p> +<p>There was lively work in the next few seconds. The shots were +thick and fast—and uncommonly loud; none, I think, from our +side. Cobb was on the extreme left of our advance, I on the +right—about two paces apart. He instantly dived into the +wood. The three men and I climbed across the fence somehow and +struck out across the field—actuated, doubtless, by an +intelligent forethought: men on horseback could not immediately +follow. Passing near the house, now swarming like a hive of bees, +we made for a swamp two or three hundred yards away, where I +concealed myself in a jungle, the others continuing—as a +defeated commander <span class="pagenum"><a id="page302" name= +"page302"></a>[pg 302]</span>would put it—to fall back. In my +cover, where I lay panting like a hare, I could hear a deal of +shouting and hard riding and an occasional shot. I heard some one +calling dogs, and the thought of bloodhounds added its fine +suggestiveness to the other fancies appropriate to the +occasion.</p> +<p>Finding myself unpursued after the lapse of what seemed an hour, +but was probably a few minutes, I cautiously sought a place where, +still concealed, I could obtain a view of the field of glory. The +only enemy in sight was a group of horsemen on a hill a quarter of +a mile away. Toward this group a woman was running, followed by the +eyes of everybody about the house. I thought she had discovered my +hiding-place and was going to “give me away.” Taking to +my hands and knees I crept as rapidly as possible among the clumps +of brambles directly back toward the point in the road where we had +met the enemy and failed to make him ours. There I dragged myself +into a patch of briars within ten feet of the road, where I lay +undiscovered during the remainder of the day, listening to a +variety of disparaging remarks upon Yankee valor and to dispiriting +declarations of intention conditional on my capture, as members +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page303" name="page303"></a>[pg +303]</span>of the Opposition passed and repassed and paused in the +road to discuss the morning’s events. In this way I learned +that the three privates had been headed off and caught within ten +minutes. Their destination would naturally be Andersonville; what +further became of them God knows. Their captors passed the day +making a careful canvass of the swamp for me.</p> +<p>When night had fallen I cautiously left my place of concealment, +dodged across the road into the woods and made for the river +through the mile of corn. Such corn! It towered above me like a +forest, shutting out all the starlight except what came from +directly overhead. Many of the ears were a yard out of reach. One +who has never seen an Alabama river-bottom cornfield has not +exhausted nature’s surprises; nor will he know what solitude +is until he explores one in a moonless night.</p> +<p>I came at last to the river bank with its fringe of trees and +willows and canes. My intention was to swim across, but the current +was swift, the water forbiddingly dark and cold. A mist obscured +the other bank. I could not, indeed, see the water more than a few +yards out. It was a hazardous and horrible <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page304" name="page304"></a>[pg +304]</span>undertaking, and I gave it up, following cautiously +along the bank in search of the spot where we had moored the boat. +True, it was hardly likely that the landing was now unguarded, or, +if so, that the boat was still there. Cobb had undoubtedly made for +it, having an even more urgent need than I; but hope springs +eternal in the human breast, and there was a chance that he had +been killed before reaching it. I came at last into the road that +we had taken and consumed half the night in cautiously approaching +the landing, pistol in hand and heart in mouth. The boat was gone! +I continued my journey along the stream—in search of +another.</p> +<p>My clothing was still damp from my morning bath, my teeth +rattled with cold, but I kept on along the stream until I reached +the limit of the cornfields and entered a dense wood. Through this +I groped my way, inch by inch, when, suddenly emerging from a +thicket into a space slightly more open, I came upon a smoldering +camp-fire surrounded by prostrate figures of men, upon one of whom +I had almost trodden. A sentinel, who ought to have been shot, sat +by the embers, his carbine across his lap, his chin upon his +breast. Just beyond was a group of unsaddled <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page305" name="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span>horses. +The men were asleep; the sentinel was asleep; the horses were +asleep. There was something indescribably uncanny about it all. For +a moment I believed them all lifeless, and O’Hara’s +familiar line, “The bivouac of the dead,” quoted itself +in my consciousness. The emotion that I felt was that inspired by a +sense of the supernatural; of the actual and imminent peril of my +position I had no thought. When at last it occurred to me I felt it +as a welcome relief, and stepping silently back into the shadow +retraced my course without having awakened a soul. The vividness +with which I can now recall that scene is to me one of the marvels +of memory.</p> +<p>Getting my bearings again with some difficulty, I now made a +wide detour to the left, in the hope of passing around this outpost +and striking the river beyond. In this mad attempt I ran upon a +more vigilant sentinel, posted in the heart of a thicket, who fired +at me without challenge. To a soldier an unexpected shot ringing +out at dead of night is fraught with an awful significance. In my +circumstances—cut off from my comrades, groping about an +unknown country, surrounded by invisible perils which such a +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page306" name="page306"></a>[pg +306]</span>signal would call into eager activity—the flash +and shock of that firearm were unspeakably dreadful! In any case I +should and ought to have fled, and did so; but how much or little +of conscious prudence there was in the prompting I do not care to +discover by analysis of memory. I went back into the corn, found +the river, followed it back a long way and mounted into the fork of +a low tree. There I perched until the dawn, a most uncomfortable +bird.</p> +<p>In the gray light of the morning I discovered that I was +opposite an island of considerable length, separated from the +mainland by a narrow and shallow channel, which I promptly waded. +The island was low and flat, covered with an almost impenetrable +cane-brake interlaced with vines. Working my way through these to +the other side, I obtained another look at God’s +country—Shermany, so to speak. There were no visible +inhabitants. The forest and the water met. This did not deter me. +For the chill of the water I had no further care, and laying off my +boots and outer clothing I prepared to swim. A strange thing now +occurred—more accurately, a familiar thing occurred at a +strange moment. A black cloud seemed to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page307" name="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span>pass +before my eyes—the water, the trees, the sky, all vanished in +a profound darkness. I heard the roaring of a great cataract, felt +the earth sinking from beneath my feet. Then I heard and felt no +more.</p> +<p>At the battle of Kennesaw Mountain in the previous June I had +been badly wounded in the head, and for three months was +incapacitated for service. In truth, I had done no actual duty +since, being then, as for many years afterward, subject to fits of +fainting, sometimes without assignable immediate cause, but mostly +when suffering from exposure, excitement or excessive fatigue. This +combination of them all had broken me down—most opportunely, +it would seem.</p> +<p>When I regained my consciousness the sun was high. I was still +giddy and half blind. To have taken to the water would have been +madness; I must have a raft. Exploring my island, I found a pen of +slender logs: an old structure without roof or rafters, built for +what purpose I do not know. Several of these logs I managed with +patient toil to detach and convey to the water, where I floated +them, lashing them together with vines. Just before sunset my raft +was complete and freighted with my outer clothing, boots and +pistol. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page308" name= +"page308"></a>[pg 308]</span>Having shipped the last article, I +returned into the brake, seeking something from which to improvise +a paddle. While peering about I heard a sharp metallic +click—the cocking of a rifle! I was a prisoner.</p> +<p>The history of this great disaster to the Union arms is brief +and simple. A Confederate “home guard,” hearing +something going on upon the island, rode across, concealed his +horse and still-hunted me. And, reader, when you are “held +up” in the same way may it be by as fine a fellow. He not +only spared my life, but even overlooked a feeble and ungrateful +after-attempt upon his own (the particulars of which I shall not +relate), merely exacting my word of honor that I would not again +try to escape while in his custody. Escape! I could not have +escaped a new-born babe.</p> +<p>At my captor’s house that evening there was a reception, +attended by the élite of the whole vicinity. A Yankee +officer in full fig—minus only the boots, which could not be +got on to his swollen feet—was something worth seeing, and +those who came to scoff remained to stare. What most interested +them, I think, was my eating—an entertainment that was +prolonged to a late hour. They were <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page309" name="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span>a trifle disappointed +by the absence of horns, hoof and tail, but bore their chagrin with +good-natured fortitude. Among my visitors was a charming young +woman from the plantation where we had met the foe the day +before—the same lady whom I had suspected of an intention to +reveal my hiding-place. She had had no such design; she had run +over to the group of horsemen to learn if her father had been +hurt—by whom, I should like to know. No restraint was put +upon me; my captor even left me with the women and children and +went off for instructions as to what disposition he should make of +me. Altogether the reception was “a pronounced +success,” though it is to be regretted that the guest of the +evening had the incivility to fall dead asleep in the midst of the +festivities, and was put to bed by sympathetic and, he has reason +to believe, fair hands.</p> +<p>The next morning I was started off to the rear in custody of two +mounted men, heavily armed. They had another prisoner, picked up in +some raid beyond the river. He was a most offensive brute—a +foreigner of some mongrel sort, with just sufficient command of our +tongue to show that he could not control his own. We traveled all +day, meeting occasional <span class="pagenum"><a id="page310" name= +"page310"></a>[pg 310]</span>small bodies of cavalrymen, by whom, +with one exception—a Texan officer—was civilly treated. +My guards said, however, that if we should chance to meet Jeff +Gatewood he would probably take me from them and hang me to the +nearest tree; and once or twice, hearing horsemen approach, they +directed me to stand aside, concealed in the brush, one of them +remaining near by to keep an eye on me, the other going forward +with my fellow-prisoner, for whose neck they seemed to have less +tenderness, and whom I heartily wished well hanged.</p> +<p>Jeff Gatewood was a “guerrilla” chief of local +notoriety, who was a greater terror to his friends than to his +other foes. My guards related almost incredible tales of his +cruelties and infamies. By their account it was into his camp that +I had blundered on Sunday night.</p> +<p>We put up for the night at a farmhouse, having gone not more +than fifteen miles, owing to the condition of my feet. Here we got +a bite of supper and were permitted to lie before the fire. My +fellow-prisoner took off his boots and was soon sound asleep. I +took off nothing and, despite exhaustion, remained equally sound +awake. One of the guards also <span class="pagenum"><a id="page311" +name="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span>removed his footgear and outer +clothing, placed his weapons under his neck and slept the sleep of +innocence; the other sat in the chimney corner on watch. The house +was a double log cabin, with an open space between the two parts, +roofed over—a common type of habitation in that region. The +room we were in had its entrance in this open space, the fireplace +opposite, at the end. Beside the door was a bed, occupied by the +old man of the house and his wife. It was partly curtained off from +the room.</p> +<p>In an hour or two the chap on watch began to yawn, then to nod. +Pretty soon he stretched himself on the floor, facing us, pistol in +hand. For a while he supported himself on his elbow, then laid his +head on his arm, blinking like an owl. I performed an occasional +snore, watching him narrowly between my eyelashes from the shadow +of my arm. The inevitable occurred—he slept audibly.</p> +<p>A half-hour later I rose quietly to my feet, particularly +careful not to disturb the blackguard at my side, and moved as +silently as possible to the door. Despite my care the latch +clicked. The old lady sat bolt upright in bed and stared at me. She +was too late. I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page312" name= +"page312"></a>[pg 312]</span>sprang through the door and struck out +for the nearest point of woods, in a direction previously selected, +vaulting fences like an accomplished gymnast and followed by a +multitude of dogs. It is said that the State of Alabama has more +dogs than school-children, and that they cost more for their keep. +The estimate of cost is probably too high.</p> +<p>Looking backward as I ran, I saw and heard the place in a +turmoil and uproar; and to my joy the old man, evidently oblivious +to the facts of the situation, was lifting up his voice and calling +his dogs. They were good dogs: they went back; otherwise the +malicious old rascal would have had my skeleton. Again the +traditional bloodhound did not materialize. Other pursuit there was +no reason to fear; my foreign gentleman would occupy the attention +of one of the soldiers, and in the darkness of the forest I could +easily elude the other, or, if need be, get him at a disadvantage. +In point of fact there was no pursuit.</p> +<p>I now took my course by the north star (which I can never +sufficiently bless), avoiding all roads and open places about +houses, laboriously boring my way through forests, driving myself +like a wedge into brush and bramble, swimming every stream I came +to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page313" name="page313"></a>[pg +313]</span>(some of them more than once, probably), and pulling +myself out of the water by boughs and briars—whatever could +be grasped. Let any one try to go a little way across even the most +familiar country on a moonless night, and he will have an +experience to remember. By dawn I had probably not made three +miles. My clothing and skin were alike in rags.</p> +<p>During the day I was compelled to make wide detours to avoid +even the fields, unless they were of corn; but in other respects +the going was distinctly better. A light breakfast of raw sweet +potatoes and persimmons cheered the inner man; a good part of the +outer was decorating the several thorns, boughs and sharp rocks +along my sylvan wake.</p> +<p>Late in the afternoon I found the river, at what point it was +impossible to say. After a half-hour’s rest, concluding with +a fervent prayer that I might go to the bottom, I swam across. +Creeping up the bank and holding my course still northward through +a dense undergrowth, I suddenly reeled into a dusty highway and saw +a more heavenly vision than ever the eyes of a dying saint were +blessed withal—two patriots in blue carrying a stolen pig +slung upon a pole!</p> +<p>Late that evening Colonel McConnell and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page314" name="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span>his +staff were chatting by a camp-fire in front of his headquarters. +They were in a pleasant humor: some one had just finished a funny +story about a man cut in two by a cannon-shot. Suddenly something +staggered in among them from the outer darkness and fell into the +fire. Somebody dragged it out by what seemed to be a leg. They +turned the animal on its back and examined it—they were no +cowards.</p> +<p>“What is it, Cobb?” said the chief, who had not +taken the trouble to rise.</p> +<p>“I don’t know, Colonel, but thank God it is +dead!”</p> +<p>It was not.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page315" name="page315"></a>[pg +315]</span></p> +<h3><a id="franklin" name="franklin">What Occurred at +Franklin</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>For several days, in snow and rain, General Schofield’s +little army had crouched in its hastily constructed defenses at +Columbia, Tennessee. It had retreated in hot haste from Pulaski, +thirty miles to the south, arriving just in time to foil Hood, who, +marching from Florence, Alabama, by another road, with a force of +more than double our strength, had hoped to intercept us. Had he +succeeded, he would indubitably have bagged the whole bunch of us. +As it was, he simply took position in front of us and gave us +plenty of employment, but did not attack; he knew a trick worth two +of that.</p> +<p>Duck River was directly in our rear; I suppose both our flanks +rested on it. The town was between them. One night—that of +November 27, 1864—we pulled up stakes and crossed to the +north bank to continue our retreat to Nashville, where Thomas and +safety lay—such safety as is known in war. It was high time +too, for before noon of the next day <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page316" name="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span>Forrest’s cavalry +forded the river a few miles above us and began pushing back our +own horse toward Spring Hill, ten miles in our rear, on our only +road. Why our infantry was not immediately put in motion toward the +threatened point, so vital to our safety, General Schofield could +have told better than I. Howbeit, we lay there inactive all +day.</p> +<p>The next morning—a bright and beautiful one—the +brigade of Colonel P. Sidney Post was thrown out, up the river four +or five miles, to see what it could see. What it saw was +Hood’s head-of-column coming over on a pontoon bridge, and a +right pretty spectacle it would have been to one whom it did not +concern. It concerned us rather keenly.</p> +<p>As a member of Colonel Post’s staff, I was naturally +favored with a good view of the performance. We formed in line of +battle at a distance of perhaps a half-mile from the bridge-head, +but that unending column of gray and steel gave us no more +attention than if we had been a crowd of farmer-folk. Why should +it? It had only to face to the left to be itself a line of battle. +Meantime it had more urgent business on hand than brushing away a +small brigade whose only offense was curiosity; it was making for +Spring Hill with <span class="pagenum"><a id="page317" name= +"page317"></a>[pg 317]</span>all its legs and wheels. Hour after +hour we watched that unceasing flow of infantry and artillery +toward the rear of our army. It was an unnerving spectacle, yet we +never for a moment doubted that, acting on the intelligence +supplied by our succession of couriers, our entire force was moving +rapidly to the point of contact. The battle of Spring Hill was +obviously decreed. Obviously, too, our brigade of observation would +be among the last to have a hand in it. The thought annoyed us, +made us restless and resentful. Our mounted men rode forward and +back behind the line, nervous and distressed; the men in the ranks +sought relief in frequent changes of posture, in shifting their +weight from one leg to the other, in needless inspection of their +weapons and in that unfailing resource of the discontented soldier, +audible damning of those in the saddles of authority. But never for +more than a moment at a time did any one remove his eyes from that +fascinating and portentous pageant.</p> +<p>Toward evening we were recalled, to learn that of our five +divisions of infantry, with their batteries, numbering twenty-three +thousand men, only one—Stanley’s, four thousand +weak—had been sent to Spring Hill to meet <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page318" name="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span>that +formidable movement of Hood’s three veteran corps! Why +Stanley was not immediately effaced is still a matter of +controversy. Hood, who was early on the ground, declared that he +gave the needful orders and tried vainly to enforce them; Cheatham, +in command of his leading corps, that he did not. Doubtless the +dispute is still being carried on between these chieftains from +their beds of asphodel and moly in Elysium. So much is certain: +Stanley drove away Forrest and successfully held the junction of +the roads against Cleburne’s division, the only infantry that +attacked him.</p> +<p>That night the entire Confederate army lay within a half mile of +our road, while we all sneaked by, infantry, artillery, and trains. +The enemy’s camp-fires shone redly—miles of +them—seemingly only a stone’s throw from our hurrying +column. His men were plainly visible about them, cooking their +suppers—a sight so incredible that many of our own, thinking +them friends, strayed over to them and did not return. At intervals +of a few hundred yards we passed dim figures on horseback by the +roadside, enjoining silence. Needless precaution; we could not have +spoken if we had tried, for our hearts were in our <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page319" name="page319"></a>[pg +319]</span>throats. But fools are God’s peculiar care, arid +one of his protective methods is the stupidity of other fools. By +daybreak our last man and last wagon had passed the fateful spot +unchallenged, and our first were entering Franklin, ten miles away. +Despite spirited cavalry attacks on trains and rear-guard, all were +in Franklin by noon and such of the men as could be kept awake were +throwing up a slight line of defense, inclosing the town.</p> +<p>Franklin lies—or at that time did lie; I know not what +exploration might now disclose—on the south bank of a small +river, the Harpeth by name. For two miles southward was a nearly +flat, open plain, extending to a range of low hills through which +passed the turnpike by which we had come. From some bluffs on the +precipitous north bank of the river was a commanding overlook of +all this open ground, which, although more than a mile away, seemed +almost at one’s feet. On this elevated ground the wagon-train +had been parked and General Schofield had stationed +himself—the former for security, the latter for outlook. Both +were guarded by General Wood’s infantry division, of which my +brigade was a part. “We are in beautiful luck,” said a +member of the division staff. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page320" +name="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span>With some prevision of what was +to come and a lively recollection of the nervous strain of helpless +observation, I did not think it luck. In the activity of battle one +does not feel one’s hair going gray with vicissitudes of +emotion.</p> +<p>For some reason to the writer unknown General Schofield had +brought along with him General D.S. Stanley, who commanded two of +his divisions—ours and another, which was not “in +luck.” In the ensuing battle, when this excellent officer +could stand the strain no longer, he bolted across the bridge like +a shot and found relief in the hell below, where he was promptly +tumbled out of the saddle by a bullet.</p> +<p>Our line, with its reserve brigades, was about a mile and a half +long, both flanks on the river, above and below the town—a +mere bridge-head. It did not look a very formidable obstacle to the +march of an army of more than forty thousand men. In a more +tranquil temper than his failure at Spring Hill had put him into +Hood would probably have passed around our left and turned us out +with ease—which would justly have entitled him to the Humane +Society’s great gold medal. Apparently that was not his day +for saving life.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page321" name="page321"></a>[pg +321]</span>About the middle of the afternoon our field-glasses +picked up the Confederate head-of-column emerging from the range of +hills previously mentioned, where it is cut by the Columbia road. +But—ominous circumstance!—it did not come on. It turned +to its left, at a right angle, moving along the base of the hills, +parallel to our line. Other heads-of-column came through other gaps +and over the crests farther along, impudently deploying on the +level ground with a spectacular display of flags and glitter of +arms. I do not remember that they were molested, even by the guns +of General Wagner, who had been foolishly posted with two small +brigades across the turnpike, a half-mile in our front, where he +was needless for apprisal and powerless for resistance. My +recollection is that our fellows down there in their shallow +trenches noted these portentous dispositions without the least +manifestation of incivility. As a matter of fact, many of them were +permitted by their compassionate officers to sleep. And truly it +was good weather for that: sleep was in the very atmosphere. The +sun burned crimson in a gray-blue sky through a delicate +Indian-summer haze, as beautiful as a day-dream in paradise. If one +had been given to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page322" name= +"page322"></a>[pg 322]</span>moralizing one might have found +material a-plenty for homilies in the contrast between that +peaceful autumn afternoon and the bloody business that it had in +hand. If any good chaplain failed to “improve the +occasion” let us hope that he lived to lament in +sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses his intellectual +unthrift.</p> +<p>The putting of that army into battle shape—its change from +columns into lines—could not have occupied more than an hour +or two, yet it seemed an eternity. Its leisurely evolutions were +irritating, but at last it moved forward with atoning rapidity and +the fight was on. First, the storm struck Wagner’s isolated +brigades, which, vanishing in fire and smoke, instantly reappeared +as a confused mass of fugitives inextricably intermingled with +their pursuers. They had not stayed the advance a moment, and as +might have been foreseen were now a peril to the main line, which +could protect itself only by the slaughter of its friends. To the +right and left, however, our guns got into play, and simultaneously +a furious infantry fire broke out along the entire front, the +paralyzed center excepted. But nothing could stay those gallant +rebels from a hand-to-hand encounter with bayonet <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page323" name="page323"></a>[pg 323]</span>and +butt, and it was accorded to them with hearty good-will.</p> +<p>Meantime Wagner’s conquerors were pouring across the +breastwork like water over a dam. The guns that had spared the +fugitives had now no time to fire; their infantry supports gave way +and for a space of more than two hundred yards in the very center +of our line the assailants, mad with exultation, had everything +their own way. From the right and the left their gray masses +converged into the gap, pushed through, and then, spreading, turned +our men out of the works so hardly held against the attack in their +front. From our viewpoint on the bluff we could mark the constant +widening of the gap, the steady encroachment of that blazing and +smoking mass against its disordered opposition.</p> +<p>“It is all up with us,” said Captain Dawson, of +Wood’s staff; “I am going to have a quiet +smoke.”</p> +<p>I do not doubt that he supposed himself to have borne the heat +and burden of the strife. In the midst of his preparations for a +smoke he paused and looked again—a new tumult of musketry had +broken loose. Colonel Emerson Opdycke had rushed his reserve +brigade into the <em>mêlée</em> and was bitterly +disputing the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page324" name= +"page324"></a>[pg 324]</span>Confederate advantage. Other fresh +regiments joined in the countercharge, commanderless groups of +retreating men returned to their work, and there ensued a +hand-to-hand contest of incredible fury. Two long, irregular, +mutable, and tumultuous blurs of color were consuming each +other’s edge along the line of contact. Such devil’s +work does not last long, and we had the great joy to see it ending, +not as it began, but “more nearly to the heart’s +desire.” Slowly the mobile blur moved away from the town, and +presently the gray half of it dissolved into its elemental units, +all in slow recession. The retaken guns in the embrasures pushed up +towering clouds of white smoke; to east and to west along the +reoccupied parapet ran a line of misty red till the spitfire crest +was without a break from flank to flank. Probably there was some +Yankee cheering, as doubtless there had been the “rebel +yell,” but my memory recalls neither. There are many battles +in a war, and many incidents in a battle: one does not recollect +everything. Possibly I have not a retentive ear.</p> +<p>While this lively work had been doing in the center, there had +been no lack of diligence elsewhere, and now all were as busy as +bees. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page325" name="page325"></a>[pg +325]</span>I have read of many “successive +attacks”—“charge after charge”—but I +think the only assaults after the first were those of the second +Confederate lines and possibly some of the reserves; certainly +there were no visible abatement and renewal of effort anywhere +except where the men who had been pushed out of the works backward +tried to reenter. And all the time there was fighting.</p> +<p>After resetting their line the victors could not clear their +front, for the baffled assailants would not desist. All over the +open country in their rear, clear back to the base of the hills, +drifted the wreck of battle, the wounded that were able to walk; +and through the receding throng pushed forward, here and there, +horsemen with orders and footmen whom we knew to be bearing +ammunition. There were no wagons, no caissons: the enemy was not +using, and could not use, his artillery. Along the line of fire we +could see, dimly in the smoke, mounted officers, singly and in +small groups, attempting to force their horses across the slight +parapet, but all went down. Of this devoted band was the gallant +General Adams, whose body was found upon the slope, and whose +animal’s forefeet were actually inside the crest. General +Cleburne <span class="pagenum"><a id="page326" name= +"page326"></a>[pg 326]</span>lay a few paces farther out, and five +or six other general officers sprawled elsewhere. It was a great +day for Confederates in the line of promotion.</p> +<p>For many minutes at a time broad spaces of battle were veiled in +smoke. Of what might be occurring there conjecture gave a +terrifying report. In a visible peril observation is a kind of +defense; against the unseen we lift a trembling hand. Always from +these regions of obscurity we expected the worst, but always the +lifted cloud revealed an unaltered situation.</p> +<p>The assailants began to give way. There was no general retreat; +at many points the fight continued, with lessening ferocity and +lengthening range, well into the night. It became an affair of +twinkling musketry and broad flares of artillery; then it sank to +silence in the dark.</p> +<p>Under orders to continue his retreat, Schofield could now do so +unmolested: Hood had suffered so terrible a loss in life and +<em>morale</em> that he was in no condition for effective pursuit. +As at Spring Hill, daybreak found us on the road with all our +impedimenta except some of our wounded, and that night we encamped +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page327" name="page327"></a>[pg +327]</span>under the protecting guns of Thomas, at Nashville. Our +gallant enemy audaciously followed, and fortified himself within +rifle-reach, where he remained for two weeks without firing a gun +and was then destroyed.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page328" name="page328"></a>[pg +328]</span></p> +<h3>‘<a id="alabam" name="alabam">Way Down in +Alabam</a>’</h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>At the break-up of the great Rebellion I found myself at Selma, +Alabama, still in the service of the United States, and although my +duties were now purely civil my treatment was not uniformly so, and +I am not surprised that it was not. I was a minor official in the +Treasury Department, engaged in performance of duties exceedingly +disagreeable not only to the people of the vicinity, but to myself +as well. They consisted in the collection and custody of +“captured and abandoned property.” The Treasury had +covered pretty nearly the entire area of “the States lately +in rebellion” with a hierarchy of officials, consisting, as +nearly as memory serves, of one supervising agent and a multitude +of special agents. Each special agent held dominion over a +collection district and was allowed an “agency aide” to +assist him in his purposeful activity, besides such clerks, +laborers and so forth as he could persuade himself to need. My +humble position was that of agency aide. When the special +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page329" name="page329"></a>[pg +329]</span>agent was present for duty I was his chief executive +officer; in his absence I represented him (with greater or less +fidelity to the original and to my conscience) and was invested +with his powers. In the Selma agency the property that we were +expected to seize and defend as best we might was mostly +plantations (whose owners had disappeared; some were dead, others +in hiding) and cotton. The country was full of cotton which had +been sold to the Confederate Government, but not removed from the +plantations to take its chance of export through the blockade. It +had been decided that it now belonged to the United States. It was +worth about five hundred dollars a bale—say one dollar a +pound. The world agreed that that was a pretty good price for +cotton.</p> +<p>Naturally the original owners, having received nothing for their +product but Confederate money which the result of the war had made +worthless, manifested an unamiable reluctance to give it up, for if +they could market it for themselves it would more than recoup them +for all their losses in the war. They had therefore exercised a +considerable ingenuity in effacing all record of its transfer to +the Confederate Government, obliterating the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page330" name="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span>marks +on the bales, and hiding these away in swamps and other +inconspicuous places, fortifying their claims to private ownership +with appalling affidavits and “covering their tracks” +in an infinite variety of ways generally.</p> +<p>In effecting their purpose they encountered many difficulties. +Cotton in bales is not very portable property; it requires for +movement and concealment a good deal of coöperation by persons +having no interest in keeping the secret and easily accessible to +the blandishments of those interested in tracing it. The negroes, +by whom the work was necessarily done, were zealous to pay for +emancipation by fidelity to the new <em>régime</em>, and +many poor devils among them forfeited their lives by services +performed with more loyalty than discretion. Railways—even +those having a more than nominal equipment of rails and rolling +stock—were unavailable for secret conveyance of the cotton. +Navigating the Alabama and Tombigbee rivers were a few small +steamboats, the half-dozen pilots familiar with these streams +exacting one hundred dollars a day for their services; but our +agents, backed by military authority, were at all the principal +shipping points and no boat could <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page331" name="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span>leave without their +consent. The port of Mobile was in our hands and the lower waters +were patrolled by gunboats. Cotton might, indeed, be dumped down a +“slide” by night at some private landing and fall upon +the deck of a steamer idling innocently below. It might even arrive +at Mobile, but secretly to transfer it to a deep-water vessel and +get it out of the country—that was a dream.</p> +<p>On the movement of private cotton we put no restrictions; and +such were the freight rates that it was possible to purchase a +steamboat at Mobile, go up the river in ballast, bring down a cargo +of cotton and make a handsome profit, after deducting the cost of +the boat and all expenses of the venture, including the wage of the +pilot. With no great knowledge of “business” I venture +to think that in Alabama in the latter part of the year of grace +1865 commercial conditions were hardly normal.</p> +<p>Nor were social conditions what I trust they have now become. +There was no law in the country except of the unsatisfactory sort +known as “martial,” and that was effective only within +areas covered by the guns of isolated forts and the physical +activities of their small garrisons. True, there were the +immemorial <span class="pagenum"><a id="page332" name= +"page332"></a>[pg 332]</span>laws of self-preservation and +retaliation, both of which were liberally interpreted. The latter +was faithfully administered, mostly against straggling Federal +soldiers and too zealous government officials. When my chief had +been ordered to Selma he had arrived just in time to act as sole +mourner at the funeral of his predecessor—who had had the bad +luck to interpret his instructions in a sense that was disagreeable +to a gentleman whose interests were affected by the interpretation. +Early one pleasant morning shortly afterward two United States +marshals were observed by the roadside in a suburb of the town. +They looked comfortable enough there in the sunshine, but each</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">had that across his throat</p> +<p>Which you had hardly cared to see.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>When dispatched on business of a delicate nature men in the +service of the agency had a significant trick of +disappearing—they were of “the unreturning +brave.” Really the mortality among the unacclimated in the +Selma district at that time was excessive. When my chief and I +parted at dinner time (our palates were not in harmony) we commonly +shook hands and tried to say something memorable <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page333" name="page333"></a>[pg 333]</span>that +was worthy to serve as “last words.” We had been in the +army together and had many a time gone into battle without having +taken that precaution in the interest of history.</p> +<p>Of course the better class of the people were not accountable +for this state of affairs, and I do not remember that I greatly +blamed the others. The country was full of the “elements of +combustion.” The people were impoverished and smarting with a +sense of defeat. Organized resistance was no longer possible, but +many men trained to the use of arms did not consider themselves +included in the surrender and conscientiously believed it both +right and expedient to prolong the struggle by private enterprise. +Many, no doubt, made the easy and natural transition from +soldiering to assassination by insensible degrees, unconscious of +the moral difference, such as it is. Selma was little better than a +ruin; in the concluding period of the war General Wilson’s +cavalry had raided it and nearly destroyed it, and the work begun +by the battery had been completed by the torch. The conflagration +was generally attributed to the negroes, who certainly augmented +it, for a number of those suspected of the crime <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page334" name="page334"></a>[pg 334]</span>were +flung into the flames by the maddened populace. None the less were +the Yankee invaders held responsible.</p> +<p>Every Northern man represented some form or phase of an +authority which these luckless people horribly hated, and to which +they submitted only because, and in so far as, they had to. Fancy +such a community, utterly without the restraints of law and with no +means of ascertaining public opinion—for newspapers were +not—denied even the moral advantage of the pulpit! +Considering what human nature has the misfortune to be, it is +wonderful that there was so little of violence and crime.</p> +<p>As the carcass invites the vulture, this prostrate land drew +adventurers from all points of the compass. Many, I am sorry to +say, were in the service of the United States Government. Truth to +tell, the special agents of the Treasury were themselves, as a +body, not altogether spotless. I could name some of them, and some +of their assistants, who made large fortunes by their +opportunities. The special agents were allowed one-fourth of the +value of the confiscated cotton for expenses of +collection—none too much, considering the arduous and +perilous character of the service; <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page335" name="page335"></a>[pg 335]</span>but the plan opened up +such possibilities of fraud as have seldom been accorded by any +system of conducting the public business, and never without +disastrous results to official morality. Against bribery no +provision could have provided an adequate safeguard; the magnitude +of the interests involved was too great, the administration of the +trust too loose and irresponsible. The system as it was, hastily +devised in the storm and stress of a closing war, broke down in the +end, and it is doubtful if the Government might not more profitably +have let the “captured and abandoned property” +alone.</p> +<p>As an instance of the temptations to which we were exposed, and +of our tactical dispositions in resistance, I venture to relate a +single experience of my own. During an absence of my chief I got +upon the trail of a lot of cotton—seven hundred bales, as +nearly as I now recollect—which had been hidden with so +exceptional ingenuity that I was unable to trace it. One day there +came to my office two well-dressed and mannerly fellows who +suffered me to infer that they knew all about this cotton and +controlled it. When our conference on the subject ended it was past +dinner time and they civilly invited me to dine <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page336" name="page336"></a>[pg 336]</span>with +them, which, in hope of eliciting information over the wine, I did. +I knew well enough that they indulged a similar selfish hope, so I +had no scruples about using their hospitality to their disadvantage +if I could. The subject, however, was not mentioned at table, and +we were all singularly abstemious in the matter of +champagne—so much so that as we rose from a rather long +session at the board we disclosed our sense of the ludicrousness of +the situation by laughing outright. Nevertheless, neither party +would accept defeat, and for the next few weeks the war of +hospitality was fast and furious. We dined together nearly every +day, sometimes at my expense, sometimes at theirs. We drove, rode, +walked, played at billiards and made many a night of it; but youth +and temperance (in drink) pulled me through without serious inroads +on my health. We had early come to an understanding and a deadlock. +Failing to get the slenderest clew to the location of the cotton I +offered them one-fourth if they would surrender it or disclose its +hiding-place; they offered me one-fourth if I would sign a permit +for its shipment as private property.</p> +<p>All things have an end, and this amusing contest finally closed. +Over the remains of a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page337" name= +"page337"></a>[pg 337]</span>farewell dinner, unusually luxurious, +as befitted the occasion, we parted with expressions of mutual +esteem—not, I hope, altogether insincere, and the ultimate +fate of the cotton is to me unknown. Up to the date of my departure +from the agency not a bale of it had either come into possession of +the Government or found an outlet. I am sometimes disloyal enough +to indulge myself in the hope that they baffled my successors as +skilfully as they did me. One cannot help feeling a certain +tenderness for men who know and value a good dinner.</p> +<p>Another corrupt proposal that I had the good fortune to be +afraid to entertain came, as it were, from within. There was a +dare-devil fellow whom, as I know him to be dead, I feel justified +in naming Jack Harris. He was engaged in all manner of speculative +ventures on his own account, but the special agent had so +frequently employed him in “enterprises of great pith and +moment” that he was in a certain sense and to a certain +extent one of us. He seemed to me at the time unique, but shortly +afterward I had learned to classify him as a type of the +Californian adventurer with whose peculiarities of manner, speech +and disposition most of us are to-day familiar <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page338" name="page338"></a>[pg 338]</span>enough. +He never spoke of his past, having doubtless good reasons for +reticence, but any one learned in Western slang—a knowledge +then denied me—would have catalogued him with infallible +accuracy. He was a rather large, strong fellow, swarthy, +black-bearded, black-eyed, black-hearted and entertaining, no end; +ignorant with an ignorance whose frankness redeemed it from +offensiveness, vulgar with a vulgarity that expressed itself in +such metaphors and similes as would have made its peace with the +most implacable refinement. He drank hard, gambled high, swore like +a parrot, scoffed at everything, was openly and proudly a rascal, +did not know the meaning of fear, borrowed money abundantly, and +squandered it with royal disregard. Desiring one day to go to +Mobile, but reluctant to leave Montgomery and its +pleasures—unwilling to quit certainty for hope—he +persuaded the captain of a loaded steamboat to wait four days for +him at an expense of $400 a day; and lest time should hang too +heavy on the obliging skipper’s hands, Jack permitted him to +share the orgies gratis. But that is not my story.</p> +<p>One day Jack came to me with a rather more sinful proposal than +he had heretofore <span class="pagenum"><a id="page339" name= +"page339"></a>[pg 339]</span>done me the honor to submit. He knew +of about a thousand bales of cotton, some of it private property, +some of it confiscable, stored at various points on the banks of +the Alabama. He had a steamboat in readiness, “with a +gallant, gallant crew,” and he proposed to drop quietly down +to the various landings by night, seize the cotton, load it on his +boat and make off down the river. What he wanted from me, and was +willing to pay for, was only my official signature to some blank +shipping permits; or if I would accompany the expedition and share +its fortunes no papers would be necessary. In declining this truly +generous offer I felt that I owed it to Jack to give him a reason +that he was capable of understanding, so I explained to him the +arrangements at Mobile, which would prevent him from transferring +his cargo to a ship and getting the necessary papers permitting her +to sail. He was astonished and, I think, pained by my simplicity. +Did I think him a fool? He did not purpose—not he—to +tranship at all: the perfected plan was to dispense with all +hampering formality by slipping through Mobile Bay in the black of +the night and navigating his laden river craft across the Gulf to +Havana! The rascal was <span class="pagenum"><a id="page340" name= +"page340"></a>[pg 340]</span>in dead earnest, and that natural +timidity of disposition which compelled me to withhold my +coöperation greatly lowered me in his esteem, I fear.</p> +<p>It was in Cuba, by the way, that Jack came to grief some years +later. He was one of the crew of the filibustering vessel +<em>Virginius</em>, and was captured and shot along with the +others. Something in his demeanor as he knelt in the line to +receive the fatal fusillade prompted a priest to inquire his +religion. “I am an atheist, by God!” said Jack, and +with this quiet profession of faith that gentle spirit winged its +way to other tropics.</p> +<p>Having expounded with some particularity the precarious tenure +by which I held my office and my life in those “thrilling +regions” where my duties lay, I ought to explain by what +unhappy chance I am still able to afflict the reader. There lived +in Selma a certain once wealthy and still influential citizen, +whose two sons, of about my own age, had served as officers in the +Confederate Army. I will designate them simply as Charles and +Frank. They were types of a class now, I fear, almost extinct. Born +and bred in luxury and knowing nothing of the seamy side of +life—except, indeed, what they had learned <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page341" name="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span>in the +war—well educated, brave, generous, sensitive to points of +honor, and of engaging manners, these brothers were by all +respected, by many loved and by some feared. For they had quick +fingers upon the pistol-trigger withal, and would rather fight a +duel than eat—nay, drink. Nor were they over-particular about +the combat taking the form of a duel—almost any form was good +enough. I made their acquaintance by chance and cultivated it for +the pleasure it gave me. It was long afterward that I gave a +thought to its advantages; but from the time that I became +generally known as their friend my safety was assured through all +that region; an army with banners could not have given me the same +immunity from danger, obstruction or even insult in the performance +of my disagreeable duties. What glorious fellows they were, to be +sure—these my late antagonists of the dark days when, God +forgive us, we were trying to cut one another’s throat. To +this day I feel a sense of regret when I think of my +instrumentality, however small, in depriving the world of many such +men in the criminal insanity that we call battle.</p> +<p>Life in Selma became worth living even as the chance of living +it augmented. With my <span class="pagenum"><a id="page342" name= +"page342"></a>[pg 342]</span>new friends and a friend of theirs, +whose name—the more shame to me—I cannot now recall, +but should not write here if I could, I passed most of my leisure +hours. At the houses of themselves and their friends I did most of +my dining; and, heaven be praised! there was no necessity for +moderation in wine. In their society I committed my sins, and +together beneath that noble orb unknown to colder skies, the +Southern moon, we atoned for them by acts of devotion performed +with song and lute beneath the shrine window of many a local +divinity.</p> +<p>One night we had an adventure. We were out late—so late +that it was night only astronomically. The streets were +“deserted and drear,” and, of course, +unlighted—the late Confederacy had no gas and no oil. +Nevertheless, we saw that we were followed. A man keeping at a +fixed distance behind turned as we turned, paused as we paused, and +pursued as we moved on. We stopped, went back and remonstrated; +asked his intentions in, I dare say, no gentle words. He gave us no +reply, but as we left him he followed. Again we stopped, and I felt +my pistol plucked out of my pocket. Frank had unceremoniously +possessed himself of it and was <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page343" name="page343"></a>[pg 343]</span>advancing on the enemy. +I do not remember if I had any wish to interpose a +protest—anyhow there was no time. Frank fired and the man +fell. In a moment all the chamber-windows in the street were thrown +open with a head visible (and audible) in each. We told Frank to go +home, which to our surprise he did; the rest of us, assisted by +somebody’s private policeman—who afterward apprised us +that we were in arrest—carried the man to a hotel. It was +found that his leg was broken above the knee, and the next day it +was amputated. We paid his surgeon and his hotel bill, and when he +had sufficiently recovered sent him to an address which he gave us +in Mobile; but not a word could anybody get out of him as to who he +had the misfortune to be, or why he had persisted, against the +light, in following a quartet of stray revelers.</p> +<p>On the morning of the shooting, when everything possible had +been done for the comfort of the victim, we three accomplices were +released on our own recognizance by an old gentleman of severe +aspect, who had resumed his function of justice of the peace where +he had laid it down during the war. I did not then know that he had +no more legal authority than I had myself, and I was somewhat +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page344" name="page344"></a>[pg +344]</span>disturbed in mind as I reflected on the possibilities of +the situation. The opportunity to get rid of an offensive Federal +official must of course be very tempting, and after all the +shooting was a trifle hasty and not altogether justifiable.</p> +<p>On the day appointed for our preliminary examination, all of us +except Frank were released and put on the witness-stand. We gave a +true and congruent history of the affair. The holdover justice +listened to it all very patiently and then, with commendable +brevity and directness of action, fined Frank five dollars and +costs for disorderly conduct. There was no appeal.</p> +<p>There were queer characters in Alabama in those days, as you +shall see. Once upon a time the special agent and I started down +the Tombigbee River with a steamboat load of government +cotton—some six hundred bales. At one of the military +stations we took on a guard of a dozen or fifteen soldiers under +command of a non-commissioned officer. One evening, just before +dusk, as we were rounding a bend where the current set strongly +against the left bank of the stream and the channel lay close to +that shore, we were suddenly saluted with a volley of bullets and +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page345" name="page345"></a>[pg +345]</span>buckshot from that direction. The din of the firing, the +rattle and crash of the missiles splintering the woodwork and the +jingle of broken glass made a very rude arousing from the tranquil +indolence of a warm afternoon on the sluggish Tombigbee. The left +bank, which at this point was a trifle higher than the hurricane +deck of a steamer, was now swarming with men who, almost near +enough to jump aboard, looked unreasonably large and active as they +sprang about from cover to cover, pouring in their fire. At the +first volley the pilot had deserted his wheel, as well he might, +and the boat, drifting in to the bank under the boughs of a tree, +was helpless. Her jackstaff and yawl were carried away, her guards +broken in, and her deck-load of cotton was tumbling into the stream +a dozen bales at once. The captain was nowhere to be seen, the +engineer had evidently abandoned his post and the special agent had +gone to hunt up the soldiers. I happened to be on the hurricane +deck, armed with a revolver, which I fired as rapidly as I could, +listening all the time for the fire of the soldiers—and +listening in vain. It transpired later that they had not a +cartridge among them; and of all helpless mortals a soldier without +a cartridge is <span class="pagenum"><a id="page346" name= +"page346"></a>[pg 346]</span>the most imbecile. But all this time +the continuous rattle of the enemy’s guns and the petulant +pop of my own pocket firearm were punctuated, as it were, by pretty +regularly recurring loud explosions, as of a small cannon. They +came from somewhere forward—I supposed from the opposition, +as I knew we had no artillery on board.</p> +<p>The failure of our military guard made the situation somewhat +grave. For two of us, at least, capture meant hanging out of hand. +I had never been hanged in all my life and was not enamored of the +prospect. Fortunately for us the bandits had selected their point +of attack without military foresight. Immediately below them a +bayou, impassable to them, let into the river. The moment we had +drifted below it we were safe from boarding and capture. The +captain was found in hiding and an empty pistol at his ear +persuaded him to resume command of his vessel; the engineer and +pilot were encouraged to go back to their posts and after some +remarkably long minutes, during which we were under an increasingly +long-range fire, we got under way. A few cotton bales piled about +the pilot-house made us tolerably safe from that sort of thing in +the future and then we took account of our <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page347" name="page347"></a>[pg +347]</span>damages. Nobody had been killed and only a few were +wounded. This gratifying result was attributable to the fact that, +being unarmed, nearly everybody had dived below at the first fire +and taken cover among the cotton bales. While issuing a multitude +of needless commands from the front of the hurricane-deck I looked +below, and there, stretched out at full length on his stomach, lay +a long, ungainly person, clad in faded butternut, bare-headed, his +long, lank hair falling down each side of his neck, his coat-tails +similarly parted, and his enormous feet spreading their soles to +the blue sky. He had an old-fashioned horse-pistol, some two feet +long, which he was in the act of sighting across his left palm for +a parting shot at the now distant assailants. A more ludicrous +figure I never saw; I laughed outright; but when his weapon went +off it was matter for gratitude to be above it instead of before +it. It was the “cannon” whose note I had marked all +through the unequal fray.</p> +<p>The fellow was a returned Confederate whom we had taken on at +one of the upper landings as our only passenger; we were +dead-heading him to Mobile. He was undoubtedly in hearty sympathy +with the enemy, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page348" name= +"page348"></a>[pg 348]</span>I at first suspected him of collusion, +but circumstances not necessary to detail here rendered this +impossible. Moreover, I had distinctly seen one of the +“guerrillas” fall and remain down after my own weapon +was empty, and no man else on board except the passenger had fired +a shot or had a shot to fire. When everything had been made snug +again, and we were gliding along under the stars, without +apprehension; when I had counted fifty-odd bullet holes through the +pilot-house (which had not received the attention that by its +prominence and importance it was justly entitled to) and everybody +was variously boasting his prowess, I approached my butternut +comrade-in-arms and thanked him for his kindly aid. +“But,” said I, “how the devil does it happen that +<em>you</em> fight <em>that</em> crowd?”</p> +<p>“Wal, Cap,” he drawled, as he rubbed the powder +grime from his antique artillery, “I allowed it was mouty +clever in you-all to take me on, seein’ I hadn’t ary +cent, so I thought I’d jist kinder work my +passage.”</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page349" name="page349"></a>[pg +349]</span></p> +<h3><a id="empress" name="empress">Working for an Empress</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In the spring of 1874 I was living in the pretty English town of +Leamington, a place that will be remembered by most Americans who +have visited the grave of Shakespeare at Stratford-on-Avon, or by +personal inspection of the ruins of Kenilworth Castle have verified +their knowledge of English history derived from Scott’s +incomparable romance. I was at that time connected with several +London newspapers, among them the <em>Figaro</em>, a small weekly +publication, semi-humorous, semi-theatrical, with a remarkable +aptitude for managing the political affairs of France in the +interest of the Imperialists. This last peculiarity it owed to the +personal sympathies of its editor and proprietor, Mr. James +Mortimer, a gentleman who for some twenty years before the +overthrow of the Empire had lived in Paris. Mr. Mortimer had been a +personal friend of the Emperor and Empress, and on the flight of +the latter to England had rendered her important service; and after +the release of the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page350" name= +"page350"></a>[pg 350]</span>Emperor from captivity among the +Germans Mr. Mortimer was a frequent visitor to the imperial exiles +at Chiselhurst.</p> +<p>One day at Leamington my London mail brought a letter from Mr. +Mortimer, informing me that he intended to publish a new satirical +journal, which he wished me to write. I was to do all the writing, +he the editing; and it would not be necessary for me to come up to +London; I could send manuscript by mail. The new journal was not to +appear at stated periods, but “occasionally.” Would I +submit to him a list of suitable titles for it, from which he could +make a selection?</p> +<p>With some surprise at what seemed to me the singularly whimsical +and unbusiness-like features of the enterprise I wrote him +earnestly advising him either to abandon it or materially to modify +his plan. I represented to him that such a journal, so conducted, +could not in my judgment succeed; but he was obdurate and after a +good deal of correspondence I consented to do all the writing if he +was willing to do all the losing money. I submitted a number of +names which I thought suitable for the paper, but all were +rejected, and he finally wrote that he had decided to call the new +journal <em>The Lantern</em>. This decision <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page351" name="page351"></a>[pg +351]</span>elicited from me another energetic protest. The title +was not original, but obviously borrowed from M. Rochefort’s +famous journal, <em>La Lanterne</em>. True, that publication was +dead, and its audacious editor deported to New Caledonia with his +Communistic following; but the name could hardly be agreeable to +Mr. Mortimer’s Imperialist friends, particularly the +Empress—the Emperor was then dead. To my surprise Mr. +Mortimer not only adhered to his resolution but suggested the +propriety of my taking M. Rochefort’s late lamented journal +as a model for our own. This I flatly declined to do and carried my +point; I was delighted to promise, however, that the new paper +should resemble the old in one particular: it should be +irritatingly disrespectful of existing institutions and exalted +personages.</p> +<p>On the 18th of May, 1874, there was published at the corner of +St. Bride Street and Shoe Lane, E.C., London, the first number of +“<em>The Lantern</em>—Appearing Occasionally. +Illuminated by Faustin. Price, sixpence.” It was a +twelve-page paper with four pages of superb illustrations in six +colors. I winced when I contemplated its artistic and mechanical +excellence, for I knew at what a price that <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page352" name="page352"></a>[pg 352]</span>quality +had been obtained. A gold mine would be required to maintain that +journal, and that journal could by no means ever be itself a gold +mine. A copy lies before me as I write and noting it critically I +cannot help thinking that the illuminated title-page of this +pioneer in the field of chromatic journalism is the finest thing of +the kind that ever came from a press.</p> +<p>Of the literary contents I am less qualified for judgment, +inasmuch as I wrote every line in the paper. It may perhaps be said +without immodesty that the new “candidate for popular +favor” was not distinguished by servile flattery of the +British character and meek subservience to the British Government, +as might perhaps be inferred from the following extract from an +article on General Sir Garnet Wolseley, who had just received the +thanks of his Sovereign and a munificent reward from Parliament for +his successful plundering expedition through Ashantee:</p> +<p>“We feel a comfortable sense of satisfaction in the +thought that <em>The Lantern</em> will never fail to shed the light +of its loyal approval upon any unworthy act by which our country +shall secure an adequate and permanent <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page353" name="page353"></a>[pg 353]</span>advantage. When the +great heart of England is stirred by quick cupidity to profitable +crime, far be it from us to lift our palms in deprecation. In the +wrangle for existence nations, equally with individuals, work by +diverse means to a common end—the spoiling of the weak; and +when by whatever of outrage we have pushed a feeble competitor to +the wall, in Heaven’s name let us pin him fast and relieve +his pockets of the material good to which, in bestowing it upon +him, the bountiful Lord has invited our thieving hand. But these +Ashantee women were not worth garroting. Their fal-lals, precious +to them, are worthless to us; the entire loot fetched only +£11,000—of which sum the man who brought home the +trinkets took a little more than four halves. We submit that with +practiced agents in every corner of the world and a watchful +government at home this great commercial nation might dispose of +its honor to better advantage.”</p> +<p>With the candor of repentance it may now be confessed that, +however unscrupulous it may be abroad, a government which tolerates +this kind of criticism cannot rightly be charged with tyranny at +home.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page354" name="page354"></a>[pg +354]</span>By way (as I supposed) of gratitude to M. Rochefort for +the use of the title of his defunct journal it had been suggested +by Mr. Mortimer that he be given a little wholesome admonition here +and there in the paper and I had cheerfully complied. M. Rochefort +had escaped from New Caledonia some months before. A disagreeable +cartoon was devised for his discomfort and he received a number of +such delicate attentions as that following, which in the issue of +July 15th greeted him on his arrival in England along with his +distinguished compatriot, M. Pascal Grousset:</p> +<p>“M. Rochefort is a gentleman who has lost his standing. +There have been greater falls than his. Kings before now have +become servitors, honest men bandits, thieves communists. +Insignificant in his fortunes as in his abilities, M. Rochefort, +who was never very high, is not now very low—he has avoided +the falsehood of extremes: never quite a count, he is now but half +a convict. Having missed the eminence that would have given him +calumniation, he is also denied the obscurity that would bring +misconstruction. He is not even a <em>miserable</em>; he is a +person. It is curious to note how persistently this man has +perverted <span class="pagenum"><a id="page355" name= +"page355"></a>[pg 355]</span>his gifts. With talents that might +have corrupted panegyric, he preferred to refine detraction; fitted +to disgrace the <em>salon</em>, he has elected to adorn the cell; +the qualities that would have endeared him to a blackguard he has +wasted upon Pascal Grousset.</p> +<p>“As we write, it is reported that this person is in +England. It is further affirmed that it is his intention to proceed +to Belgium or Switzerland to fight certain journalists who have not +had the courtesy to suppress the truth about him, though he never +told it of them. We presume, however, this rumor is false; M. +Rochefort must retain enough of the knowledge he acquired when he +was esteemed a gentleman to be aware that a meeting between him and +a journalist is now impossible. This is the more to be regretted, +because M. Paul de Cassagnac would have much pleasure in taking M. +Rochefort’s life and we in lamenting his fall.</p> +<p>“M. Rochefort, we believe, is already suffering from an +unhealed wound. It is his mouth.”</p> +<p>There was a good deal of such “scurril jesting” in +the paper, especially in a department called “Prattle.” +There were verses <span class="pagenum"><a id="page356" name= +"page356"></a>[pg 356]</span>on all manner of subjects—mostly +the nobility and their works and ways, from the viewpoint of +disapproval—and epigrams, generally ill-humorous, like the +following, headed “<em>Novum Organum</em>”:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“In Bacon see the culminating prime</p> +<p>Of British intellect and British crime.</p> +<p>He died, and Nature, settling his affairs,</p> +<p>Parted his powers among us, his heirs:</p> +<p>To each a pinch of common-sense, for seed,</p> +<p>And, to develop it, a pinch of greed.</p> +<p>Each frugal heir, to make the gift suffice,</p> +<p>Buries the talent to manure the vice.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>When the first issue of <em>The Lantern</em> appeared I wrote to +Mr. Mortimer, again urging him to modify his plans and alter the +character of the journal. He replied that it suited him as it was +and he would let me know when to prepare “copy” for the +second number. That eventually appeared on July 15th. I never was +instructed to prepare any more copy, and there has been, I believe, +no further issue of that interesting sheet as yet.</p> +<p>Taking a retrospective view of this singular venture in +journalism, one day, the explanation of the whole matter came to my +understanding in the light of a revelation, and was confirmed later +by Mr. Mortimer.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page357" name="page357"></a>[pg +357]</span>In the days when Napoleon III was at the zenith of his +glory and power there was a thorn in his side. It was the pen of M. +Henri Rochefort, le Comte de Luçay, journalist and +communard. Despite fines, “suppressions,” and +imprisonments, this gifted writer and unscrupulous blackguard had, +as every one knows, made incessant war upon the Empire and all its +<em>personnel</em>. The bitter and unfair attacks of his paper, +<em>La Lanterne</em>, made life at the Tuilleries exceedingly +uncomfortable. His rancor against the Empress was something +horrible, and went to the length of denying the legitimacy of the +Prince Imperial. His existence was a menace and a terror to the +illustrious lady, even when she was in exile at Chiselhurst and he +in confinement on the distant island of New Caledonia. When the +news of his escape from that penal colony arrived at Chiselhurst +the widowed Empress was in despair; and when, on his way to +England, he announced his intention of reviving <em>La +Lanterne</em> in London (of course he dared not cross the borders +of France) she was utterly prostrated by the fear of his pitiless +animosity. But what could she do? Not prevent the revival of his +dreadful newspaper, certainly, but—well, she could send for +Mr. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page358" name="page358"></a>[pg +358]</span>Mortimer. That ingenious gentleman was not long at a +loss for an expedient that would accomplish what was possible. He +shut Rochefort out of London by forestalling him. At the very time +when Mortimer was asking me to suggest a suitable name for the new +satirical journal he had already registered at Stationers’ +Hall—that is to say, copyrighted—the title of <em>The +Lantern</em>, a precaution which M. Rochefort’s French +friends had neglected to take, although they had expended thousands +of pounds in a plant for their venture. Mr. Mortimer cruelly +permitted them to go on with their costly preparations, and the +first intimation they had that the field was occupied came from the +newsdealers selling <em>The Lantern</em>. After some futile +attempts at relief and redress, M. Rochefort took himself off and +set up his paper in Belgium.</p> +<p>The expenses of <em>The Lantern</em>—including a generous +<em>douceur</em> to myself—were all defrayed by the Empress. +She was the sole owner of it and, I was gratified to learn, took so +lively an interest in her venture that a special French edition was +printed for her private reading. I was told that she especially +enjoyed the articles on M. le Comte de Luçay, though I dare +say some of the delicate <span class="pagenum"><a id="page359" +name="page359"></a>[pg 359]</span>subtleties of their literary +style were lost in translation.</p> +<p>Being in London later in the year, I received through Mortimer +an invitation to visit the poor lady, <em>en famille</em>, at +Chiselhurst; but as the iron rules of imperial etiquette, even in +exile, required that the hospitable request be made in the form of +a “command,” my republican independence took alarm and +I had the incivility to disobey; and I still think it a sufficient +distinction to be probably the only American journalist who was +ever employed by an Empress in so congenial a pursuit as the +pursuit of another journalist.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page360" name="page360"></a>[pg +360]</span></p> +<h3><a id="plains" name="plains">Across the Plains</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>That noted pioneer, General John Bidwell, of California, once +made a longish step up the western slope of our American Parnassus +by an account of his journey “across the plains” seven +years before the lamented Mr. Marshall had found the least and +worst of all possible reasons for making the “trek.” +General Bidwell had not the distinction to be a great writer, but +in order to command admiration and respect in that province of the +Republic of Letters which lies in the Sacramento Valley above the +mouth of the Yuba the gift of writing greatly is a needless +endowment. Nevertheless I read his narrative with an interest which +on analysis turns out to be a by-product of personal experience: +among my youthful indiscretions was a journey over much of the same +ground, which I took in much the same way—as did many +thousands before and after.</p> +<p>It was a far cry from 1841 to 1866, yet the country between the +Missouri River and the Sierra Nevada had not greatly improved: +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page361" name="page361"></a>[pg +361]</span>civilization had halted at the river, awaiting +transportation. A railroad had set out from Omaha westward, and +another at Sacramento was solemnly considering the impossible +suggestion of going eastward to meet it. There were lunatics in +those days, as there are in these. I left the one road a few miles +out of the Nebraskan village and met the other at Dutch Flat, in +California.</p> +<p>Waste no compassion on the loneliness of my journey: a thriving +colony of Mormons had planted itself in the valley of Salt Lake and +there were “forts” at a few points along the way, where +ambitious young army officers passed the best years of their lives +guarding live stock and teaching the mysteries of Hardee’s +tactics to that alien patriot, the American regular. There was a +dusty wagon road, bordered with bones—not always those of +animals—with an occasional mound, sometimes dignified with a +warped and rotting head-board bearing an illegible inscription. +(One inscription not entirely illegible is said to have concluded +with this touching tribute to the worth of the departed: “He +was a good egg.” Another was: “He done his +damnedest”) In other particulars the “Great American +Desert” of our fathers was very <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page362" name="page362"></a>[pg 362]</span>like what it was when +General Bidwell’s party traversed it with that hereditary +instinct, that delicacy of spiritual nose which served the Western +man of that day in place of a map and guide-book. Westward the +course of empire had taken its way, but excepting these poor +vestiges it had for some fifteen hundred miles left no trace of its +march. The Indian of the plains had as yet seen little to unsettle +his assurance of everlasting dominion. Of the slender lines of +metal creeping slowly toward him from East and West he knew little; +and had he known more, how could he have foreseen their momentous +effect upon his “ancient solitary reign”?</p> +<p>I remember very well, as so many must, some of the marked +features of the route that General Bidwell mentions. One of the +most imposing of these is Court House Rock, near the North Platte. +Surely no object of such dignity ever had a more belittling +name—given it in good faith no doubt by some untraveled wight +whose county court-house was the most “reverend pile” +of which he had any conception. It should have been called the +Titan’s Castle. What a gracious memory I have of the pomp and +splendor of its aspect, with the crimson glories of the setting sun +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page363" name="page363"></a>[pg +363]</span>fringing its outlines, illuminating its western walls +like the glow of Mammon’s fires for the witches’ revel +in the Hartz, and flung like banners from its crest!</p> +<p>I suppose Court House Rock is familiar enough and commonplace +enough to the dwellers in that land (riparian tribes once infesting +the low lands of Ohio and Indiana and the flats of Iowa), but to +me, tipsy with youth, full-fed on Mayne Reid’s romances, and +now first entering the enchanted region that he so charmingly lied +about, it was a revelation and a dream. I wish that anything in the +heavens, on the earth, or in the waters under the earth would give +me now such an emotion as I experienced in the shadow of that +“great rock in a weary land.”</p> +<p>I was not a pilgrim, but an engineer <em>attaché</em> to +an expedition through Dakota and Montana, to inspect some new +military posts. The expedition consisted, where the Indians +preserved the peace, of the late General W.B. Hazen, myself, a cook +and a teamster; elsewhere we had an escort of cavalry. My duty, as +I was given to understand it, was to amuse the general and other +large game, make myself as comfortable as possible without too much +discomfort to others, and when in an unknown <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page364" name="page364"></a>[pg 364]</span>country +survey and map our route for the benefit of those who might come +after. The posts which the general was to inspect had recently been +established along a military road, one end of which was at the +North Platte and the other—there was no other end; up about +Fort C.F. Smith at the foot of the Big-Horn Mountains the road +became a buffalo trail and was lost in the weeds. But it was a +useful road, for by leaving it before going too far one could reach +a place near the headwaters of the Yellowstone, where the National +Park is now.</p> +<p>By a master stroke of military humor we were ordered to return +(to Washington) via Salt Lake City, San Francisco and Panama. I +obeyed until I got as far as San Francisco, where, finding myself +appointed to a second lieutenancy in the Regular Army, ingratitude, +more strong than traitors’ arms, quite vanquished me: I +resigned, parted from Hazen more in sorrow than in anger and +remained in California.</p> +<p>I have thought since that this may have been a youthful error: +the Government probably meant no harm, and if I had served long +enough I might have become a captain. In time, if I lived, I should +naturally have become <span class="pagenum"><a id="page365" name= +"page365"></a>[pg 365]</span>the senior captain of the Army; and +then if there were another war and any of the field officers did me +the favor to paunch a bullet I should become the junior major, +certain of another step upward as soon as a number of my superiors +equal to the whole number of majors should be killed, resign or die +of old age—enchanting prospect! But I am getting a long way +off the trail.</p> +<p>It was near Fort C.F. Smith that we found our first buffaloes, +and abundant they were. We had to guard our camp at night with fire +and sword to keep them from biting us as they grazed. Actually one +of them half-scalped a teamster as he lay dreaming of home with his +long fair hair commingled with the toothsome grass. His utterances +as the well-meaning beast lifted him from the ground and tried to +shake the earth from his roots were neither wise nor sweet, but +they made a profound impression on the herd, which, arching its +multitude of tails, absented itself to pastures new like an army +with banners.</p> +<p>At Fort C.F. Smith we parted with our <em>impedimenta</em>, and +with an escort of about two dozen cavalrymen and a few pack animals +struck out on horseback through an unexplored country northwest for +old Fort Benton, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page366" name= +"page366"></a>[pg 366]</span>on the upper Missouri. The journey was +not without its perils. Our only guide was my compass; we knew +nothing of the natural obstacles that we must encounter; the +Indians were on the warpath, and our course led us through the very +heart of their country. Luckily for us they were gathering their +clans into one great army for a descent upon the posts that we had +left behind; a little later some three thousand of them moved upon +Fort Phil Kearney, lured a force of ninety men and officers outside +and slaughtered them to the last man. This was one of the posts +that we had inspected, and the officers killed had hospitably +entertained us.</p> +<p>In that lively and interesting book, “Indian Fights and +Fighters,” Dr. Cyrus Townsend Brady says of this +“outpost of civilization”:</p> +<p>“The most careful watchfulness was necessary at all hours +of the day and night. The wood trains to fetch logs to the sawmills +were heavily guarded. There was fighting all the time. Casualties +among the men were by no means rare. At first it was difficult to +keep men within the limits of the camp; but stragglers who failed +to return, and some who had been cut off, scalped and left for +dead, but <span class="pagenum"><a id="page367" name= +"page367"></a>[pg 367]</span>who had crawled back to die, convinced +every one of the wisdom of the commanding officer’s repeated +orders and cautions. To chronicle the constant succession of petty +skirmishes would be wearisome; yet they often resulted in torture +and loss of life on the part of the soldiers, although the Indians +in most instances suffered the more severely.”</p> +<p>In a footnote the author relates this characteristic instance of +the Government’s inability to understand: “Just when +the alarms were most frequent a messenger came to the headquarters, +announcing that a train <em>en route</em> from Fort Laramie, with +special messengers from that post, was corraled by Indians, and +demanded immediate help. An entire company of infantry in wagons, +with a mountain howitzer and several rounds of grapeshot, was +hastened to their relief. It proved to be a train with mail from +the Laramie Commission, announcing the confirmation of a +‘satisfactory treaty of peace with all the Indians of the +Northwest,’ and assuring the district commander of the fact. +The messenger was brought in in safety, and <em>peace</em> lasted +until his message was delivered. So much was gained—that the +messenger did not lose his scalp.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page368" name="page368"></a>[pg +368]</span>Through this interesting environment our expeditionary +force of four men had moved to the relief of the beleaguered post, +but finding it impossible to “raise the siege” +had—with a score of troopers—pushed on to Fort C.F. +Smith, and thence into the Unknown.</p> +<p>The first part of this new journey was well enough; there were +game and water. Where we swam the Yellowstone we had an abundance +of both, for the entire river valley, two or three miles wide, was +dotted with elk. There were hundreds. As we advanced they became +scarce; buffalo became scarce; bear, deer, rabbits, sage-hens, even +prairie dogs gave out, and we were near starving. Water gave out +too, and starvation was a welcome state: our hunger was so much +less disagreeable than our thirst that it was a real treat.</p> +<p>However, we got to Benton, Heaven knows how and why, but we were +a sorry-looking lot, though our scalps were intact. If in all that +region there is a mountain that I have not climbed, a river that I +have not swum, an alkali pool that I have not thrust my muzzle +into, or an Indian that I have not shuddered to think about, I am +ready to go back in a Pullman sleeper and do my duty.</p> +<p>From Fort Benton we came down through <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page369" name="page369"></a>[pg 369]</span>Helena +and Virginia City, Montana—then new mining camps—to +Salt Lake, thence westward to California. Our last bivouac was on +the old camp of the Donner party, where, in the flickering lights +and dancing shadows made by our camp-fire, I first heard the story +of that awful winter, and in the fragrance of the meat upon the +coals fancied I could detect something significantly uncanny. The +meat which the Donner party had cooked at that spot was not quite +like ours. Pardon: I mean it was not like that which we cooked.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page370" name="page370"></a>[pg +370]</span></p> +<h3><a id="mirage" name="mirage">The Mirage</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Since the overland railways have long been carrying many +thousands of persons across the elevated plateaus of the continent +the mirage in many of its customary aspects has become pretty well +known to great numbers of persons all over the Union, and the tales +of early observers who came “der blains agross” are +received with a less frigid inhospitality than they formerly were +by incredulous pioneers who had come “der Horn +aroundt,” as the illustrious Hans Breitmann phrases it; but +in its rarer and more marvelous manifestations, the mirage is still +a rock upon which many a reputation for veracity is wrecked +remediless. With an ambition intrepidly to brave this disaster, and +possibly share it with the hundreds of devoted souls whose +disregard of the injunction never to tell an incredible truth has +branded them as hardy and impenitent liars, I purpose to note here +a few of the more remarkable illusions by which my own sense of +sight has been befooled by the freaks of the enchanter.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page371" name="page371"></a>[pg +371]</span>It is apart from my purpose to explain the mirage +scientifically, and not altogether in my power. Every schoolboy can +do so, I suppose, to the satisfaction of his teacher if the teacher +has not himself seen the phenomenon, or has seen it only in the +broken, feeble and evanescent phases familiar to the overland +passenger; but for my part I am unable to understand how the simple +causes affirmed in the text-books sufficiently account for the +infinite variety and complexity of some of the effects said to be +produced by them. But of this the reader shall judge for +himself.</p> +<p>One summer morning in the upper North Platte country I rose from +my blankets, performed the pious acts of sun-worship by yawning +toward the east, kicked together the parted embers of my camp-fire, +and bethought me of water for my ablutions. We had gone into +bivouac late in the night on the open plain, and without any clear +notion of where we were. There were a half-dozen of us, our chief +on a tour of inspection of the new military posts in Wyoming. I +accompanied the expedition as surveyor. Having an aspiration for +water I naturally looked about to see what might be the prospect of +obtaining it, and to my surprise and delight <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page372" name="page372"></a>[pg 372]</span>saw a +long line of willows, apparently some three hundred yards away. +Willows implied water, and snatching up a camp-kettle I started +forward without taking the trouble to put on my coat and hat. For +the first mile or two I preserved a certain cheerful hopefulness; +but when the sun had risen farther toward the meridian and began to +affect my bare head most uncomfortably, and the picketed horses at +the camp were hull down on the horizon in the rear, and the willows +in front increased their pace out of all proportion to mine, I +began to grow discouraged and sat down on a stone to wish myself +back. Perceiving that the willows also had halted for breath I +determined to make a dash at them, leaving the camp-kettle behind +to make its way back to camp as best it could. I was now traveling +“flying light,” and had no doubt of my ability to +overtake the enemy, which had, however, disappeared over the crest +of a low sandhill. Ascending this I was treated to a surprise. +Right ahead of me lay a barren waste of sand extending to the right +and left as far as I could see. Its width in the direction that I +was going I judged to be about twenty miles. On its farther border +the cactus plain began again, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page373" +name="page373"></a>[pg 373]</span>sloping gradually upward to the +horizon, along which was a fringe of cedar trees—the willows +of my vision! In that country a cedar will not grow within thirty +miles of water if it knows it.</p> +<p>On my return journey I coldly ignored the appeals of the +camp-kettle, and when I met the rescuing party which had been for +some hours trailing me made no allusion to the real purpose of my +excursion. When the chief asked if I purposed to enter a plea of +temporary insanity I replied that I would reserve my defense for +the present; and in fact I never did disclose it until now.</p> +<p>I had afterward the satisfaction of seeing the chief, an +experienced plainsman, consume a full hour, rifle in hand, working +round to the leeward of a dead coyote in the sure and certain hope +of bagging a sleeping buffalo. Mirage or no mirage, you must not +too implicitly trust your eyes in the fantastic atmosphere of the +high plains.</p> +<p>I remember that one forenoon I looked forward to the base of the +Big Horn Mountains and selected a most engaging nook for the +night’s camp. My good opinion of it was confirmed when we +reached it three days later. The deception in this instance was due +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page374" name="page374"></a>[pg +374]</span>to nothing but the marvelous lucidity of the atmosphere +and the absence of objects of known dimensions, and these sources +of error are sometimes sufficient of themselves to produce the most +incredible illusions. When they are in alliance with the mirage the +combination’s pranks are bewildering.</p> +<p>One of the most grotesque and least comfortable of my +experiences with the magicians of the air occurred near the forks +of the Platte. There had been a tremendous thunder-storm, lasting +all night. In the morning my party set forward over the soaken +prairie under a cloudless sky intensely blue. I was riding in +advance, absorbed in thought, when I was suddenly roused to a sense +of material things by exclamations of astonishment and apprehension +from the men behind. Looking forward, I beheld a truly terrifying +spectacle. Immediately in front, at a distance, apparently, of not +more than a quarter-mile, was a long line of the most formidable +looking monsters that the imagination ever conceived. They were +taller than trees. In them the elements of nature seemed so +fantastically and discordantly confused and blended, compounded, +too, with architectural and mechanical details, that they partook +of the triple <span class="pagenum"><a id="page375" name= +"page375"></a>[pg 375]</span>character of animals, houses and +machines. Legs they had, that an army of elephants could have +marched among; bodies that ships might have sailed beneath; heads +about which eagles might have delighted to soar, and +ears—they were singularly well gifted with ears. But wheels +also they were endowed with, and vast sides of blank wall; the +wheels as large as the ring of a circus, the walls white and high +as cliffs of chalk along an English coast. Among them, on them, +beneath, in and a part of them, were figures and fragments of +figures of gigantic men. All were inextricably interblended and +superposed—a man’s head and shoulders blazoned on the +side of an animal; a wheel with legs for spokes rolling along the +creature’s back; a vast section of wall, having no contact +with the earth, but (with a tail hanging from its rear, like a note +of admiration) moving along the line, obscuring here an anatomical +horror and disclosing there a mechanical nightmare. In short, this +appalling procession, which was crossing our road with astonishing +rapidity, seemed made up of unassigned and unassorted units, out of +which some imaginative god might be about to create a world of +giants, ready supplied with some of the appliances <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page376" name="page376"></a>[pg 376]</span>of a +high civilization. Yet the whole apparition had so shadowy and +spectral a look that the terror it inspired was itself vague and +indefinite, like the terror of a dream. It affected our horses as +well as ourselves; they extended their necks and threw forward +their ears. For some moments we sat in our saddles surveying the +hideous and extravagant spectacle without a word, and our tongues +were loosened only when it began rapidly to diminish and recede, +and at last was resolved into a train of mules and wagons, barely +visible on the horizon. They were miles away and outlined against +the blue sky.</p> +<p>I then remembered what my astonishment had not permitted me +closely to note—that this pageant had appeared to move along +parallel to the foot of a slope extending upward and backward to an +immense height, intersected with rivers and presenting all the +features of a prairie landscape. The mirage had in effect +contracted the entire space between us and the train to a +pistol-shot in breadth, and had made a background for its horrible +picture by lifting into view Heaven knows how great an extent of +country below our horizon. Does refraction account for all this? To +this day I cannot without vexation <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page377" name="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span>remember the childish +astonishment that prevented me from observing the really +interesting features of the spectacle and kept my eyes fixed with a +foolish distension on a lot of distorted mules, teamsters and +wagons.</p> +<p>One of the commonest and best known tricks of the mirage is that +of overlaying a dry landscape with ponds and lakes, and by a truly +interesting and appropriate coincidence one or more travelers +perishing of thirst seem always to be present, properly to +appreciate the humor of the deception; but when a gentleman whose +narrative suggested this article averred that he had seen these +illusory lakes navigated by phantom boats filled with visionary +persons he was, I daresay, thought to be drawing the long bow, even +by many miragists in good standing. For aught I know he may have +been. I can only attest the entirely credible character of the +statement.</p> +<p>Away up at the headwaters of the Missouri, near the British +possessions, I found myself one afternoon rather unexpectedly on +the shore of an ocean. At less than a gunshot from where I stood +was as plainly defined a seabeach as one could wish to see. The eye +could follow it in either direction, with <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page378" name="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span>all its +bays, inlets and promontories, to the horizon. The sea was studded +with islands, and these with tall trees of many kinds, both islands +and trees being reflected in the water with absolute fidelity. On +many of the islands were houses, showing white beneath the trees, +and on one which lay farthest out seaward was a considerable city, +with towers, domes and clusters of steeples. There were ships in +the offing whose sails glistened in the sunlight and, closer in, +several boats of novel but graceful design, crowded with human +figures, moved smoothly among the lesser islands, impelled by some +power invisible from my point of view, each boat attended by its +inverted reflection “crowding up beneath the keel.” It +must be admitted that the voyagers were habited after a somewhat +uncommon fashion—almost unearthly, I may say—and were +so grouped that at my distance I could not clearly distinguish +their individual limbs and attitudes. Their features were, of +course, entirely invisible. None the less, they were plainly human +beings—what other creatures would be boating? Of the other +features of the scene—the coast, islands, trees, houses, city +and ships hull-down in the offing—I distinctly affirm an +absolute identity of visible aspect <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page379" name="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span>with those to which we +are accustomed in the realm of reality; imagination had simply +nothing to do with the matter. True, I had not recently had the +advantage of seeing any such objects, except trees, and these had +been mighty poor specimens, but, like Macduff, I “could not +but remember such things were,” nor had I forgotten how they +looked.</p> +<p>Of course I was not for an instant deceived by all this: I knew +that under it all lay a particularly forbidding and inhospitable +expanse of sagebrush and cactus, peopled with nothing more nearly +akin to me than prairie dogs, ground owls and jackass +rabbits—that with these exceptions the desert was as desolate +as the environment of Ozymandias’ “vast and trunkless +legs of stone.” But as a show it was surely the most +enchanting that human eyes had ever looked on, and after more years +than I care to count it remains one of memory’s most precious +possessions. The one thing which always somewhat impairs the +illusion in such instances—the absence of the horizon +water-line—did not greatly abate the <em>vraisemblance</em> +in this, for the large island in the distance nearly closed the +view seaward, and the ships occupied most of the remaining space. I +had but to fancy a slight haze on the farther <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page380" name="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span>water, +and all was right and regular. For more than a half-hour this +charming picture remained intact; then ugly patches of plain began +to show through, the islands with their palms and temples slowly +dissolved, the boats foundered with every soul on board, the sea +drifted over the headlands in a most unwaterlike way, and inside +the hour since,</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes</p> +<p class="i2">He stared at the Pacific, and all his men</p> +<p>Looked at each other with a wild surmise,</p> +<p class="i2">Silent upon a peak in Darien,</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>I had discovered this unknown sea all this insubstantial pageant +had faded like the baseless fabric of the vision that it was and +left not a rack behind.</p> +<p>In some of its minor manifestations the mirage is sometimes seen +on the western coast of our continent, in the bay of San Francisco, +for example, causing no small surprise to the untraveled and unread +observer, and no small pain to the spirits of purer fire who are +fated to be caught within earshot and hear him pronounce it a +“mirridge.” I have seen Goat Island without visible +means of support and Red Rock suspended in mid-air like the coffin +of the Prophet. Looking up toward Mare <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page381" name="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span>Island one most +ungracious morning when a barbarous norther had purged the air of +every stain and the human soul of every virtue, I saw San Pablo Bay +margined with cliffs whose altitude must have exceeded considerably +that from whose dizzy verge old eyeless Gloster, falling in a heap +at his own feet, supposed himself to have sailed like a stone.</p> +<p>One more instance and “I’ve done, i’ +faith.” Gliding along down the Hudson River one hot summer +afternoon in a steamboat, I went out on the afterguard for a breath +of fresh air, but there was none to be had. The surface of the +river was like oil and the steamer’s hull slipped through it +with surprisingly little disturbance. Her tremor was for once +hardly perceptible; the beating of her paddles was subdued to an +almost inaudible rhythm. The air seemed what we call +“hollow” and had apparently hardly enough tenuity to +convey sounds. Everywhere on the surface of the glassy stream were +visible undulations of heat, and the light steam of evaporation lay +along the sluggish water and hung like a veil between the eye and +the bank. Seated in an armchair and overcome by the heat and the +droning of some prosy passengers near by, I <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page382" name="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span>fell +asleep. When I awoke the guards were crowded with passengers in a +high state of excitement, pointing and craning shoreward. Looking +in the same direction I saw, through the haze, the sharp outlines +of a city in gray silhouette. Roofs, spires, pinnacles, chimneys, +angles of wall—all were there, cleanly cut out against the +air.</p> +<p>“What is it?” I cried, springing to my feet.</p> +<p>“That, sir,” replied a passenger stolidly, “is +Poughkeepsie.”</p> +<p>It was.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page383" name="page383"></a>[pg +383]</span></p> +<h3><a id="survivor" name="survivor">A Sole Survivor</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Among the arts and sciences, the art of Sole Surviving is one of +the most interesting, as (to the artist) it is by far the most +important. It is not altogether an art, perhaps, for success in it +is largely due to accident. One may study how solely to survive, +yet, having an imperfect natural aptitude, may fail of proficiency +and be early cut off. To the contrary, one little skilled in its +methods, and not even well grounded in its fundamental principles, +may, by taking the trouble to have been born with a suitable +constitution, attain to a considerable eminence in the art. Without +undue immodesty, I think I may fairly claim some distinction in it +myself, although I have not regularly acquired it as one acquires +knowledge and skill in writing, painting and playing the flute. O +yes, I am a notable Sole Survivor, and some of my work in that way +attracts great attention, mostly my own.</p> +<p>You would naturally expect, then, to find in me one who has +experienced all manner of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page384" +name="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span>disaster at sea and the several +kinds of calamity incident to a life on dry land. It would seem a +just inference from my Sole Survivorship that I am familiar with +railroad wrecks, inundations (though these are hardly dry-land +phenomena), pestilences, earthquakes, conflagrations and other +forms of what the reporters delight to call “a +holocaust.” This is not entirely true; I have never been +shipwrecked, never assisted as “unfortunate sufferer” +at a fire or railway collision, and know of the ravages of +epidemics only by hearsay. The most destructive <em>temblor</em> of +which I have had a personal experience decreased the population of +San Francisco by fewer, probably, than ten thousand persons, of +whom not more than a dozen were killed; the others moved out of +town. It is true that I once followed the perilous trade of a +soldier, but my eminence in Sole Surviving is of a later growth and +not specially the product of the sword.</p> +<p>Opening the portfolio of memory, I draw out picture after +picture—“figure-pieces”—groups of forms and +faces whereof mine only now remains, somewhat the worse for +wear.</p> +<p>Here are three young men lolling at ease on a grassy bank. One, +a handsome, dark-eyed chap, with a forehead like that of a Grecian +god, raises his body on his elbow, looks <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page385" name="page385"></a>[pg +385]</span>straight away to the horizon, where some black trees +hold captive certain vestiges of sunset as if they had torn away +the plumage of a flight of flamingoes, and says: “Fellows, I +mean to be rich. I shall see every country worth seeing. I shall +taste every pleasure worth having. When old, I shall become a +hermit.”</p> +<p>Said another slender youth, fair-haired: “I shall become +President and execute a <em>coup d’etat</em> making myself an +absolute monarch. I shall then issue a decree requiring that all +hermits be put to death.”</p> +<p>The third said nothing. Was he restrained by some prescient +sense of the perishable nature of the material upon which he was +expected to inscribe the record of his hopes? However it may have +been, he flicked his shoe with a hazel switch and kept his own +counsel. For twenty years he has been the Sole Survivor of the +group.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The scene changes. Six men are on horseback on a hill—a +general and his staff. Below, in the gray fog of a winter morning, +an army, which has left its intrenchments, is moving upon those of +the enemy—creeping silently into position. In an hour the +whole wide valley for miles to left and right will be all aroar +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page386" name="page386"></a>[pg +386]</span>with musketry stricken to seeming silence now and again +by thunder claps of big guns. In the meantime the risen sun has +burned a way through the fog, splendoring a part of the beleaguered +city.</p> +<p>“Look at that, General,” says an aide; “it is +like enchantment.”</p> +<p>“Go and enchant Colonel Post,” said the general, +without taking his field-glass from his eyes, “and tell him +to pitch in as soon as he hears Smith’s guns.”</p> +<p>All laughed. But to-day I laugh alone. I am the Sole +Survivor.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It would be easy to fill many pages with instances of Sole +Survival, from my own experience. I could mention extinct groups +composed wholly (myself excepted) of the opposing sex, all of whom, +with the same exception, have long ceased their opposition, their +warfare accomplished, their pretty noses blue and chill under the +daisies. They were good girls, too, mostly, Heaven rest them! There +were Maud and Lizzie and Nanette (ah, Nanette, indeed; she is the +deadest of the whole bright band) and Emeline and—but really +this is not discreet; one should not survive and tell.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page387" name="page387"></a>[pg +387]</span>The flame of a camp-fire stands up tall and straight +toward the black sky. We feed it constantly with sage brush. A +circling wall of darkness closes us in; but turn your back to the +fire and walk a little away and you shall see the serrated +summit-line of snow-capped mountains, ghastly cold in the +moonlight. They are in all directions; everywhere they efface the +great gold stars near the horizon, leaving the little green ones of +the mid-heaven trembling viciously, as bleak as steel. At irregular +intervals we hear the distant howling of a wolf—now on this +side and again on that. We check our talk to listen; we cast quick +glances toward our weapons, our saddles, our picketed horses: the +wolves may be of the variety known as Sioux, and there are but four +of us.</p> +<p>“What would you do, Jim,” said Hazen, “if we +were surrounded by Indians?”</p> +<p>Jim Beckwourth was our guide—a life-long frontiersman, an +old man “beated and chopped with tanned antiquity.” He +had at one time been a chief of the Crows.</p> +<p>“I’d spit on that fire,” said Jim +Beckwourth.</p> +<p>The old man has gone, I hope, where there is no fire to be +quenched. And Hazen, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page388" +name="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span>the chap with whom I shared my +blanket that winter night on the plains—both gone. One might +suppose that I would feel something of the natural exultation of a +Sole Survivor; but as Byron found that</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">our thoughts take wildest flight</p> +<p>Even at the moment when they should array</p> +<p>Themselves in pensive order,</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>so I find that they sometimes array themselves in pensive order, +even at the moment when they ought to be most hilarious.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Of reminiscences there is no end. I have a vast store of them +laid up, wherewith to wile away the tedious years of my +anecdotage—whenever it shall please Heaven to make me old. +Some years that I passed in London as a working journalist are +particularly rich in them. Ah! “we were a gallant +company” in those days.</p> +<p>I am told that the English are heavy thinkers and dull talkers. +My recollection is different; speaking from that, I should say they +are no end clever with their tongues. Certainly I have not +elsewhere heard such brilliant talk as among the artists and +writers of London. Of course they were a picked lot; some of them +had attained to some eminence <span class="pagenum"><a id="page389" +name="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span>in the world of intellect; others +have achieved it since. But they were not all English by many. +London draws the best brains of Ireland and Scotland, and there is +always a small American contingent, mostly correspondents of the +big New York journals.</p> +<p>The typical London journalist is a gentleman. He is usually a +graduate of one or the other of the great universities. He is well +paid and holds his position, whatever it may be, by a less +precarious tenure than his American congener. He rather moves than +“dabbles” in literature, and not uncommonly takes a +hand at some of the many forms of art. On the whole, he is a good +fellow, too, with a skeptical mind, a cynical tongue, and a warm +heart. I found these men agreeable, hospitable, intelligent, +amusing. We worked too hard, dined too well, frequented too many +clubs, and went to bed too late in the forenoon. We were overmuch +addicted to shedding the blood of the grape. In short, we +diligently, conscientiously, and with a perverse satisfaction +burned the candle of life at both ends and in the middle.</p> +<p>This was many a year ago. To-day a list of these men’s +names with a cross against that of each one whom I know to be dead +would look like a Roman Catholic cemetery. I <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page390" name="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span>could +dine all the survivors at the table on which I write, and I should +like to do so. But the dead ones, I must say, were the best +diners.</p> +<p>But about Sole Surviving. There was a London publisher named +John Camden Hotten. Among American writers he had a pretty dark +reputation as a “pirate.” They accused him of +republishing their books without their assent, which, in absence of +international copyright, he had a legal, and it seems to me (a +“sufferer”) a moral right to do. Through sympathy with +their foreign confrères British writers also held him in +high disesteem.</p> +<p>I knew Hotten very well, and one day I stood by what purported +to be his body, which afterward I assisted to bury in the cemetery +at Highgate. I am sure that it was his body, for I was uncommonly +careful in the matter of identification, for a very good reason, +which you shall know.</p> +<p>Aside from his “piracy,” Hotten had a wide renown as +“a hard man to deal with.” For several months before +his death he had owed me one hundred pounds sterling, and he could +not possibly have been more reluctant to part with anything but a +larger sum. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page391" name= +"page391"></a>[pg 391]</span>Even to this day in reviewing the +intelligent methods—ranging from delicate finesse to frank +effrontery—by which that good man kept me out of mine own I +am prostrated with admiration and consumed with envy. Finally by a +lucky chance I got him at a disadvantage and seeing my power he +sent his manager—a fellow named Chatto, who as a member of +the firm of Chatto & Windus afterward succeeded to his business +and methods—to negotiate. I was the most implacable creditor +in the United Kingdom, and after two mortal hours of me in my most +acidulated mood Chatto pulled out a check for the full amount, +ready signed by Hotten in anticipation of defeat. Before handing it +to me Chatto said: “This check is dated next Saturday. Of +course you will not present it until then.”</p> +<p>To this I cheerfully consented.</p> +<p>“And now,” said Chatto, rising to go, “as +everything is satisfactory I hope you will go out to Hotten’s +house and have a friendly talk. It is his wish.”</p> +<p>On Saturday morning I went. In pursuance, doubtless, of his +design when he antedated that check he had died of a pork pie +promptly on the stroke of twelve o’clock the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page392" name="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span>night +before—which invalidated the check! I have met American +publishers who thought they knew something about the business of +drinking champagne out of writers’ skulls. If this +narrative—which, upon my soul, is every word +true—teaches them humility by showing that genuine commercial +sagacity is not bounded by geographical lines it will have served +its purpose.</p> +<p>Having assured myself that Mr. Hotten was really no more, I +drove furiously bank-ward, hoping that the sad tidings had not +preceded me—and they had not.</p> +<p>Alas! on the route was a certain tap-room greatly frequented by +authors, artists, newspaper men and “gentlemen of wit and +pleasure about town.”</p> +<p>Sitting about the customary table were a half-dozen or more +choice spirits—George Augustus Sala, Henry Sampson, Tom Hood +the younger, Captain Mayne Reid, and others less known to fame. I +am sorry to say my somber news affected these sinners in a way that +was shocking. Their levity was a thing to shudder at. As Sir Boyle +Roche might have said, it grated harshly upon an ear that had a +dubious check in its pocket. Having uttered their hilarious minds +by word of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page393" name= +"page393"></a>[pg 393]</span>mouth all they knew how, these hardy +and impenitent offenders set about writing “appropriate +epitaphs.” Thank Heaven, all but one of these have escaped my +memory, one that I wrote myself. At the close of the rites, several +hours later, I resumed my movement against the bank. Too +late—the old, old story of the hare and the tortoise was told +again. The “heavy news” had overtaken and passed me as +I loitered by the wayside.</p> +<p>All attended the funeral—Sala, Sampson, Hood, Reid, and +the undistinguished others, including this present Sole Survivor of +the group. As each cast his handful of earth upon the coffin I am +very sure that, like Lord Brougham on a somewhat similar occasion, +we all felt more than we cared to express. On the death of a +political antagonist whom he had not treated with much +consideration his lordship was asked, rather rudely, “Have +you no regrets now that he is gone?”</p> +<p>After a moment of thoughtful silence he replied, with gravity, +“Yes; I favor his return.”</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One night in the summer of 1880 I was driving in a light wagon +through the wildest part of the Black Hills in South Dakota. I +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page394" name="page394"></a>[pg +394]</span>had left Deadwood and was well on my way to Rockerville +with thirty thousand dollars on my person, belonging to a mining +company of which I was the general manager. Naturally, I had taken +the precaution to telegraph my secretary at Rockerville to meet me +at Rapid City, then a small town, on another route; the telegram +was intended to mislead the “gentlemen of the road” +whom I knew to be watching my movements, and who might possibly +have a confederate in the telegraph office. Beside me on the seat +of the wagon sat Boone May.</p> +<p>Permit me to explain the situation. Several months before, it +had been the custom to send a “treasure-coach” twice a +week from Deadwood to Sidney, Nebraska. Also, it had been the +custom to have this coach captured and plundered by “road +agents.” So intolerable had this practice become—even +iron-clad coaches loopholed for rifles proving a vain +device—that the mine owners had adopted the more practicable +plan of importing from California a half-dozen of the most famous +“shotgun messengers” of Wells, Fargo & +Co.—fearless and trusty fellows with an instinct for killing, +a readiness of resource that was an intuition, and a sense of +direction that put <span class="pagenum"><a id="page395" name= +"page395"></a>[pg 395]</span>a shot where it would do the most good +more accurately than the most careful aim. Their feats of +marksmanship were so incredible that seeing was scarcely +believing.</p> +<p>In a few weeks these chaps had put the road agents out of +business and out of life, for they attacked them wherever found. +One sunny Sunday morning two of them strolling down a street of +Deadwood recognized five or six of the rascals, ran back to their +hotel for their rifles, and returning killed them all!</p> +<p>Boone May was one of these avengers. When I employed him, as a +messenger, he was under indictment for murder. He had trailed a +“road agent” across, the Bad Lands for hundreds of +miles, brought him back to within a few miles of Deadwood and +picketed him out for the night. The desperate man, tied as he was, +had attempted to escape, and May found it expedient to shoot and +bury him. The grave by the roadside is perhaps still pointed out to +the curious. May gave himself up, was formally charged with murder, +released on his own recognizance, and I had to give him leave of +absence to go to court and be acquitted. Some of the New York +directors of my company having been good enough to signify their +disapproval of my action in employing <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page396" name="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span>“such a +man,” I could do no less than make some recognition of their +dissent, and thenceforth he was borne upon the pay-rolls as +“Boone May, Murderer.” Now let me get back to my +story.</p> +<p>I knew the road fairly well, for I had previously traveled it by +night, on horseback, my pockets bulging with currency and my free +hand holding a cocked revolver the entire distance of fifty miles. +To make the journey by wagon with a companion was luxury. Still, +the drizzle of rain was uncomfortable. May sat hunched up beside +me, a rubber poncho over his shoulders and a Winchester rifle in +its leathern case between his knees. I thought him a trifle off his +guard, but said nothing. The road, barely visible, was rocky, the +wagon rattled, and alongside ran a roaring stream. Suddenly we +heard through it all the clinking of a horse’s shoes directly +behind, and simultaneously the short, sharp words of authority: +“Throw up your hands!”</p> +<p>With an involuntary jerk at the reins I brought my team to its +haunches and reached for my revolver. Quite needless: with the +quickest movement that I had ever seen in anything but a +cat—almost before the words were out of the horseman’s +mouth—May had <span class="pagenum"><a id="page397" name= +"page397"></a>[pg 397]</span>thrown himself backward across the +back of the seat, face upward, and the muzzle of his rifle was +within a yard of the fellow’s breast! What further occurred +among the three of us there in the gloom of the forest has, I +fancy, never been accurately related.</p> +<p>Boone May is long dead of yellow fever in Brazil, and I am the +Sole Survivor.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was a famous <em>prima donna</em> with whom it was my good +fortune to cross the Atlantic to New York. In truth I was charged +by a friend of both with the agreeable duty of caring for her +safety and comfort. Madame was gracious, clever, altogether +charming, and before the voyage was two days old a half-dozen of +the men aboard, whom she had permitted me to present, were heels +over head in love with her, as I was myself.</p> +<p>Our competition for her favor did not make us enemies; on the +contrary we were drawn together into something like an offensive +and defensive alliance by a common sorrow—the successful +rivalry of a singularly handsome Italian who sat next her at table. +So assiduous was he in his attentions that my office as the +lady’s guide, philosopher and friend was nearly a sinecure, +and as to the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page398" name= +"page398"></a>[pg 398]</span>others, they had hardly one chance a +day to prove their devotion: that enterprising son of Italy +dominated the entire situation. By some diabolical prevision he +anticipated Madame’s every need and wish—placed her +reclining-chair in the most sheltered spots on deck, smothered her +in layer upon layer of wraps, and conducted himself, generally, in +the most inconsiderate way. Worse still, Madame accepted his good +offices with a shameless grace “which said as plain as +whisper in the ear” that there was a perfect understanding +between them. What made it harder to bear was the fellow’s +faulty civility to the rest of us; he seemed hardly aware of our +existence.</p> +<p>Our indignation was not loud, but deep. Every day in the +smoking-room we contrived the most ingenious and monstrous, plans +for his undoing in this world and the next; the least cruel being a +project to lure him to the upper deck on a dark night and send him +unshriven to his account by way of the lee rail; but as none of us +knew enough Italian to tell him the needful falsehood that scheme +of justice came to nothing, as did all the others. At the wharf in +New York we parted from Madame more in sorrow than in anger, and +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page399" name="page399"></a>[pg +399]</span>from her conquering cavalier with polite manifestations +of the contempt we did not feel.</p> +<p>That evening I called on her at her hotel, facing Union Square. +Soon after my arrival there was an audible commotion out in front: +the populace, headed by a brass band and incited, doubtless, by +pure love of art, had arrived to do honor to the great singer. +There was music—a serenade—followed by shoutings of the +lady’s name. She seemed a trifle nervous, but I led her to +the balcony, where she made a very pretty little speech, piquant +with her most charming accent. When the tumult and shouting had +died we re-entered her apartment to resume our conversation. Would +it please monsieur to have a glass, of wine? It would. She left the +room for a moment; then came the wine and glasses on a tray, borne +by that impossible Italian! He had a napkin across his arm—he +was a servant.</p> +<p>Barring some of the band and the populace, I am doubtless the +Sole Survivor, for Madame has for a number of years had a permanent +engagement Above, and my faith in Divine Justice does not permit me +to think that the servile wretch who cast down the mighty from +their seat among the Sons of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page400" +name="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span>Hope was suffered to live out the +other half of his days.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A dinner of seven in an old London tavern—a good dinner, +the memory whereof is not yet effaced from the tablets of the +palate. A soup, a plate of white-bait be-lemoned and red-peppered +with exactness, a huge joint of roast beef, from which we sliced at +will, flanked by various bottles of old dry Sherry and crusty +Port—such Port! (And we are expected to be patriots in a +country where it cannot be procured! And the Portuguese are +expected to love the country which, having it, sends it away!) That +was the dinner—there was Stilton cheese; it were shameful not +to mention the Stilton. Good, wholesome, and toothsome it was, rich +and nutty. The Stilton that we get here, clouted in tin-foil, is +monstrous poor stuff, hardly better than our American sort. After +dinner there were walnuts and coffee and cigars. I cannot say much +for the cigars; they are not over-good in England: too long at sea, +I suppose.</p> +<p>On the whole, it was a memorable dinner. Even its non-essential +features were satisfactory. The waiter was fascinatingly solemn, +the floor snowily sanded, the company sufficiently <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page401" name="page401"></a>[pg +401]</span>distinguished in literature and art for me to keep track +of them through the newspapers. They are dead—as dead as +Queen Anne, every mother’s son of them! I am in my favorite +rôle of Sole Survivor. It has become habitual to me; I rather +like it.</p> +<p>Of the company were two eminent gastronomes—call them +Messrs. Guttle and Swig—who so acridly hated each other that +nothing but a good dinner could bring them under the same roof. +(They had had a quarrel, I think, about the merit of a certain +Amontillado—which, by the way, one insisted, despite Edgar +Allan Poe, who certainly knew too much of whiskey to know much of +wine, <em>is</em> a Sherry.) After the cloth had been removed and +the coffee, walnuts and cigars brought in, the company stood, and +to an air extemporaneously composed by Guttle, sang the following +shocking and reprehensible song, which had been written during the +proceedings by this present Sole Survivor. It will serve as fitly +to conclude this feast of unreason as it did that:</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page402" name="page402"></a>[pg +402]</span></p> +<h5>THE SONG</h5> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Jack Satan’s the greatest of gods,</p> +<p class="i2">And Hell is the best of abodes.</p> +<p>’Tis reached through the Valley of Clods</p> +<p class="i2">By seventy beautiful roads.</p> +<p>Hurrah for the Seventy Roads!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the clods that resound</p> +<p class="i2">With a hollow, thundering sound!</p> +<p>Hurrah for the Best of Abodes!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>We’ll serve him as long as we’ve breath—</p> +<p class="i2">Jack Satan, the greatest of gods.</p> +<p>To all of his enemies, death!—</p> +<p class="i2">A home in the Valley of Clods.</p> +<p>Hurrah for the thunder of clods</p> +<p class="i2">That smother the souls of his foes!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the spirit that goes</p> +<p>To dwell with the Greatest of Gods!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13541 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ebe0b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13541 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13541) diff --git a/old/13541-8.txt b/old/13541-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bfbaa64 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13541-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7491 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, by Ambrose Bierce + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce + +Author: Ambrose Bierce + +Release Date: September 27, 2004 [EBook #13541] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS OF BIERCE *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +THE COLLECTED WORKS OF + + + +AMBROSE BIERCE + + + +VOLUME 1 + +1909 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + +THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW + THITHER + SONS OF THE FAIR STAR + AN INTERVIEW WITH GNARMAG-ZOTE + THE TAMTONIANS + MAROONED ON UG + THE DOG IN GANGEWAG + A CONFLAGRATION IN GHARGAROO + AN EXECUTION IN BATRUGIA + THE JUMJUM OF GOKEETLE-GUK + THE KINGDOM OF TORTIRRA + HITHER + +FOR THE AHKOOND + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + +BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY + ON A MOUNTAIN + WHAT I SAW OF SHILOH + A LITTLE OF CHICKAMAUCA + THE CRIME AT PICKETT'S MILL + FOUR DAYS IN DIXIE + WHAT OCCURRED AT FRANKLIN + 'WAY DOWN IN ALABAM' + WORKING FOR AN EMPRESS + ACROSS THE PLAINS + THE MIRAGE + A SOLE SURVIVOR + + + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + + + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + +AN HISTORICAL MONOGRAPH WRITTEN IN 4930 + + +Of the many causes that conspired to bring about the lamentable failure of +"self-government" in ancient America the most general and comprehensive +was, of course, the impracticable nature of the system itself. In the +light of modern culture, and instructed by history, we readily discern the +folly of those crude ideas upon which the ancient Americans based what +they knew as "republican institutions," and maintained, as long as +maintenance was possible, with something of a religious fervor, even when +the results were visibly disastrous. To us of to-day it is clear that the +word "self-government" involves a contradiction, for government means +control by something other than the thing to be controlled. When the thing +governed is the same as the thing governing there is no government, though +for a time there may be, as in the case under consideration there was, a +considerable degree of forbearance, giving a misleading appearance of +public order. This, however, soon must, as in fact it soon did, pass away +with the delusion that gave it birth. The habit of obedience to written +law, inculcated by generations of respect for actual government able to +enforce its authority, will persist for a long time, with an ever +lessening power upon the imagination of the people; but there comes a time +when the tradition is forgotten and the delusion exhausted. When men +perceive that nothing is restraining them but their consent to be +restrained, then at last there is nothing to obstruct the free play of +that selfishness which is the dominant characteristic and fundamental +motive of human nature and human action respectively. Politics, which may +have had something of the character of a contest of principles, becomes a +struggle of interests, and its methods are frankly serviceable to personal +and class advantage. Patriotism and respect for law pass like a tale that +is told. Anarchy, no longer disguised as "government by consent," reveals +his hidden hand, and in the words of our greatest living poet, + + lets the curtain fall, + And universal darkness buries all! + +The ancient Americans were a composite people; their blood was a blend of +all the strains known in their time. Their government, while they had one, +being merely a loose and mutable expression of the desires and caprices of +the majority--that is to say, of the ignorant, restless and reckless--gave +the freest rein and play to all the primal instincts and elemental +passions of the race. In so far and for so long as it had any restraining +force, it was only the restraint of the present over the power of the +past--that of a new habit over an old and insistent tendency ever seeking +expression in large liberties and indulgences impatient of control. In the +history of that unhappy people, therefore, we see unveiled the workings of +the human will in its most lawless state, without fear of authority or +care of consequence. Nothing could be more instructive. + +Of the American form of government, although itself the greatest of evils +afflicting the victims of those that it entailed, but little needs to be +said here; it has perished from the earth, a system discredited by an +unbroken record of failure in all parts of the world, from the earliest +historic times to its final extinction. Of living students of political +history not one professes to see in it anything but a mischievous creation +of theorists and visionaries--persons whom our gracious sovereign has +deigned to brand for the world's contempt as "dupes of hope purveying to +sons of greed." The political philosopher of to-day is spared the trouble +of pointing out the fallacies of republican government, as the +mathematician is spared that of demonstrating the absurdity of the +convergence of parallel lines; yet the ancient Americans not only clung to +their error with a blind, unquestioning faith, even when groaning under +its most insupportable burdens, but seem to have believed it of divine +origin. It was thought by them to have been established by the god +Washington, whose worship, with that of such _dii minores_ as Gufferson, +Jaxon and Lincon (identical probably with the Hebru Abrem) runs like a +shining thread through all the warp and woof of the stuff that garmented +their moral nakedness. Some stones, very curiously inscribed in many +tongues, were found by the explorer Droyhors in the wilderness bordering +the river Bhitt (supposed by him to be the ancient Potomac) as lately as +the reign of Barukam IV. These stones appear to be fragments of a monument +or temple erected to the glory of Washington in his divine character of +Founder and Preserver of republican institutions. If this tutelary deity +of the ancient Americans really invented representative government they +were not the first by many to whom he imparted the malign secret of its +inauguration and denied that of its maintenance. + +Although many of the causes which finally, in combination, brought about +the downfall of the great American republic were in operation from the +beginning--being, as has been said, inherent in the system--it was not +until the year 1995 (as the ancients for some reason not now known +reckoned time) that the collapse of the vast, formless fabric was +complete. In that year the defeat and massacre of the last army of law and +order in the lava beds of California extinguished the final fires of +enlightened patriotism and quenched in blood the monarchical revival. +Thenceforth armed opposition to anarchy was confined to desultory and +insignificant warfare waged by small gangs of mercenaries in the service +of wealthy individuals and equally feeble bands of prescripts fighting for +their lives. In that year, too, "the Three Presidents" were driven from +their capitals, Cincinnati, New Orleans and Duluth, their armies +dissolving by desertion and themselves meeting death at the hands of the +populace. + +The turbulent period between 1920 and 1995, with its incalculable waste of +blood and treasure, its dreadful conflicts of armies and more dreadful +massacres by passionate mobs, its kaleidoscopic changes of government and +incessant effacement and redrawing of boundaries of states, its +interminable tale of political assassinations and proscriptions--all the +horrors incident to intestinal wars of a naturally lawless race--had so +exhausted and dispirited the surviving protagonists of legitimate +government that they could make no further head against the inevitable, +and were glad indeed and most fortunate to accept life on any terms that +they could obtain. + +But the purpose of this sketch is not bald narration of historic fact, but +examination of antecedent germinal conditions; not to recount calamitous +events familiar to students of that faulty civilization, but to trace, as +well as the meager record will permit, the genesis and development of the +causes that brought them about. Historians in our time have left little +undone in the matter of narration of political and military phenomena. In +Golpek's "Decline and Fall of the American Republics," in Soseby's +"History of Political Fallacies," in Holobom's "Monarchical Renasence," +and notably in Gunkux's immortal work, "The Rise, Progress, Failure and +Extinction of The Connected States of America" the fruits of research have +been garnered, a considerable harvest. The events are set forth with such +conscientiousness and particularity as to have exhausted the possibilities +of narration. It remains only to expound causes and point the awful moral. + +To a delinquent observation it may seem needless to point out the inherent +defects of a system of government which the logic of events has swept like +political rubbish from the face of the earth, but we must not forget that +ages before the inception of the American republics and that of France and +Ireland this form of government had been discredited by emphatic failures +among the most enlightened and powerful nations of antiquity: the Greeks, +the Romans, and long before them (as we now know) the Egyptians and the +Chinese. To the lesson of these failures the founders of the eighteenth +and nineteenth century republics were blind and deaf. Have we then reason +to believe that our posterity will be wiser because instructed by a +greater number of examples? And is the number of examples which they will +have in memory really greater? Already the instances of China, Egypt, +Greece and Rome are almost lost in the mists of antiquity; they are known, +except by infrequent report, to the archæologist only, and but dimly and +uncertainly to him. The brief and imperfect record of yesterdays which we +call History is like that traveling vine of India which, taking new root +as it advances, decays at one end while it grows at the other, and so is +constantly perishing and finally lost in all the spaces which it has +over-passed. + +From the few and precious writings that have descended to us from the +early period of the American republic we get a clear if fragmentary view +of the disorders and lawlessness affecting that strange and unhappy +nation. Leaving the historically famous "labor troubles" for more extended +consideration, we may summarize here a few of the results of hardly more +than a century and a quarter of "self-government" as it existed on this +continent just previously to the awful end. At the beginning of the +"twentieth century" a careful study by trustworthy contemporary +statisticians of the public records and those apparently private ones +known as "newspapers" showed that in a population of about 80,000,000 the +annual number of homicides was not less than 10,000; and this continued +year after year to increase, not only absolutely, but proportionately, +until, in the words of Dumbleshaw, who is thought to have written his +famous "Memoirs of a Survivor" in the year 1908 of their era, "it would +seem that the practice of suicide is a needless custom, for if a man but +have patience his neighbor is sure to put him out of his misery." Of the +10,000 assassins less than three per cent. were punished, further than by +incidental imprisonment if unable to give bail while awaiting trial. If +the chief end of government is the citizen's security of life and his +protection from aggression, what kind of government do these appalling +figures disclose? Yet so infatuated with their imaginary "liberty" were +these singular people that the contemplation of all this crime abated +nothing of the volume and persistence of their patriotic ululations, and +affected not their faith in the perfection of their system. They were like +a man standing on a rock already submerged by the rising tide, and calling +to his neighbors on adjacent cliffs to observe his superior security. + +When three men engage in an undertaking in which they have an equal +interest, and in the direction of which they have equal power, it +necessarily results that any action approved by two of them, with or +without the assent of the third, will be taken. This is called--or was +called when it was an accepted principle in political and other +affairs--"the rule of the majority." Evidently, under the malign +conditions supposed, it is the only practicable plan of getting anything +done. A and B rule and overrule C, not because they ought, but because +they can; not because they are wiser, but because they are stronger. In +order to avoid a conflict in which he is sure to be worsted, C submits as +soon as the vote is taken. C is as likely to be right as A and B; nay, +that eminent ancient philosopher, Professor Richard A. Proctor (or +Proroctor, as the learned now spell the name), has clearly shown by the +law of probabilities that any one of the three, all being of the same +intelligence, is far likelier to be right than the other two. + +It is thus that the "rule of the majority" as a political system is +established. It is in essence nothing but the discredited and +discreditable principle that "might makes right"; but early in the life of +a republic this essential character of government by majority is not seen. +The habit of submitting all questions of policy to the arbitrament of +counting noses and assenting without question to the result invests the +ordeal with a seeming sanctity, and what was at first obeyed as the +command of power comes to be revered as the oracle of wisdom. The +innumerable instances--such as the famous ones of Galileo and Keeley--in +which one man has been right and all the rest of the race wrong, are +overlooked, or their significance missed, and "public opinion" is followed +as a divine and infallible guide through every bog into which it blindly +stumbles and over every precipice in its fortuitous path. Clearly, sooner +or later will be encountered a bog that will smother or a precipice that +will crush. Thoroughly to apprehend the absurdity of the ancient faith in +the wisdom of majorities let the loyal reader try to fancy our gracious +Sovereign by any possibility wrong, or his unanimous Ministry by any +possibility right! + +During the latter half of the "nineteenth century" there arose in the +Connected States a political element opposed to all government, which +frankly declared its object to be anarchy. This astonishing heresy was not +of indigenous growth: its seeds were imported from Europe by the +emigration or banishment thence of criminals congenitally incapable of +understanding and valuing the blessings of monarchical institutions, and +whose method of protest was murder. The governments against which they +conspired in their native lands were too strong in authority and too +enlightened in policy for them to overthrow. Hundreds of them were put to +death, thousands imprisoned and sent into exile. But in America, whither +those who escaped fled for safety, they found conditions entirely +favorable to the prosecution of their designs. + +A revered fetish of the Americans was "freedom of speech": it was believed +that if bad men were permitted to proclaim their evil wishes they would go +no further in the direction of executing them--that if they might say what +they would like to do they would not care to do it. The close relation +between speech and action was not understood. Because the Americans +themselves had long been accustomed, in their own political debates and +discussions, to the use of unmeaning declamations and threats which they +had no intention of executing, they reasoned that others were like them, +and attributed to the menaces of these desperate and earnest outcasts no +greater importance than to their own. They thought also that the foreign +anarchists, having exchanged the tyranny of kings for that of majorities, +would be content with their new and better lot and become in time good and +law-abiding citizens. + +The anarchist of that far day (thanks to the firm hands of our gracious +sovereigns the species is now extinct) was a very different person from +what our infatuated ancestors imagined him. He struck at government, not +because it was bad, but because it was government. He hated authority, not +for its tyranny, but for its power. And in order to make this plain to +observation he frequently chose his victim from amongst those whose rule +was most conspicuously benign. + +Of the seven early Presidents of the American republic who perished by +assassination no fewer than four were slain by anarchists with no personal +wrongs to impel them to the deed--nothing but an implacable hostility to +law and authority. The fifth victim, indeed, was a notorious demagogue who +had pardoned the assassin of the fourth. + +The field of the anarchist's greatest activity was always a republic, not +only to emphasize his impartial hatred of all government, but because of +the inherent feebleness of that form of government, its inability to +protect itself against any kind of aggression by any considerable number +of its people having a common malevolent purpose. In a republic the crust +that confined the fires of violence and sedition was thinnest. + +No improvement in the fortunes of the original anarchists through +immigration to what was then called the New World would have made them +good citizens. From centuries of secret war against particular forms of +authority in their own countries they had inherited a bitter antagonism to +all authority, even the most beneficent. In their new home they were worse +than in their old. In the sunshine of opportunity the rank and sickly +growth of their perverted natures became hardy, vigorous, bore fruit. They +surrounded themselves with proselytes from the ranks of the idle, the +vicious, the unsuccessful. They stimulated and organized discontent. Every +one of them became a center of moral and political contagion. To those as +yet unprepared to accept anarchy was offered the milder dogma of +Socialism, and to those even weaker in the faith something vaguely called +Reform. Each was initiated into that degree to which the induration of his +conscience and the character of his discontent made him eligible, and in +which he could be most serviceable, the body of the people still cheating +themselves with the false sense of security begotten of the belief that +they were somehow exempt from the operation of all agencies inimical to +their national welfare and integrity. Human nature, they thought, was +different in the West from what it was in the East: in the New World the +old causes would not have the old effects: a republic had some inherent +vitality of its own, entirely independent of any action intended to keep +it alive. They felt that words and phrases had some talismanic power, and +charmed themselves asleep by repeating "liberty," "all men equal before +the law," "dictates of conscience," "free speech" and all manner of such +incantation to exorcise the spirits of the night. And when they could no +longer close their eyes to the dangers environing them; when they saw at +last that what they had mistaken for the magic power of their form of +government and its assured security was really its radical weakness and +subjective peril--they found their laws inadequate to repression of the +enemy, the enemy too strong to permit the enactment of adequate laws. The +belief that a malcontent armed with freedom of speech, a newspaper, a vote +and a rifle is less dangerous than a malcontent with a still tongue in his +head, empty hands and under police surveillance was abandoned, but all too +late. From its fatuous dream the nation was awakened by the noise of arms, +the shrieks of women and the red glare of burning cities. + +Beginning with the slaughter at St. Louis on a night in the year 1920, +when no fewer than twenty-two thousand citizens were slain in the streets +and half the city destroyed, massacre followed massacre with frightful +rapidity. New York fell in the month following, many thousands of its +inhabitants escaping fire and sword only to be driven into the bay and +drowned, "the roaring of the water in their ears," says Bardeal, +"augmented by the hoarse clamor of their red-handed pursuers, whose +blood-thirst was unsated by the sea." A week later Washington was +destroyed, with all its public buildings and archives; the President and +his Ministry were slain, Congress was dispersed, and an unknown number of +officials and private citizens perished. Of all the principal cities only +Chicago and San Francisco escaped. The people of the former were all +anarchists and the latter was valorously and successfully defended by the +Chinese. + +The urban anarchists were eventually subdued and some semblance of order +was restored, but greater woes and sharper shames awaited this unhappy +nation, as we shall see. + +In turning from this branch of our subject to consider the causes of the +failure and bloody disruption of the great American republic other than +those inherent in the form of government, it may not be altogether +unprofitable to glance briefly at what seems to a superficial view the +inconsistent phenomenon of great material prosperity. It is not to be +denied that this unfortunate people was at one time singularly prosperous, +in so far as national wealth is a measure and proof of prosperity. Among +nations it was the richest nation. But at how great a sacrifice of better +things was its wealth obtained! By the neglect of all education except +that crude, elementary sort which fits men for the coarse delights of +business and affairs but confers no capacity of rational enjoyment; by +exalting the worth of wealth and making it the test and touchstone of +merit; by ignoring art, scorning literature and despising science, except +as these might contribute to the glutting of the purse; by setting up and +maintaining an artificial standard of morals which condoned all offenses +against the property and peace of every one but the condoner; by +pitilessly crushing out of their natures every sentiment and aspiration +unconnected with accumulation of property, these civilized savages and +commercial barbarians attained their sordid end. Before they had rounded +the first half-century of their existence as a nation they had sunk so low +in the scale of morality that it was considered nothing discreditable to +take the hand and even visit the house of a man who had grown rich by +means notoriously corrupt and dishonorable; and Harley declares that even +the editors and writers of newspapers, after fiercely assailing such men +in their journals, would be seen "hobnobbing" with them in public places. +(The nature of the social ceremony named the "hobnob" is not now +understood, but it is known that it was a sign of amity and favor.) When +men or nations devote all the powers of their minds and bodies to the +heaping up of wealth, wealth is heaped up. But what avails it? It may not +be amiss to quote here the words of one of the greatest of the ancients +whose works--fragmentary, alas--have come down to us. + +"Wealth has accumulated itself into masses; and poverty, also in +accumulation enough, lies impassably separated from it; opposed, +uncommunicating, like forces in positive and negative poles. The gods of +this lower world sit aloft on glittering thrones, less happy than +Epicurus's gods, but as indolent, as impotent; while the boundless living +chaos of ignorance and hunger welters, terrific in its dark fury, under +their feet. How much among us might be likened to a whited sepulcher: +outwardly all pomp and strength, but inwardly full of horror and despair +and dead men's bones! Iron highways, with their wains fire-winged, are +uniting all the ends of the land; quays and moles, with their innumerable +stately fleets, tame the ocean into one pliant bearer of burdens; labor's +thousand arms, of sinew and of metal, all-conquering everywhere, from the +tops of the mount down to the depths of the mine and the caverns of the +sea, ply unweariedly for the service of man; yet man remains unserved. He +has subdued this planet, his habitation and inheritance, yet reaps no +profit from the victory. Sad to look upon: in the highest stage of +civilization nine-tenths of mankind have to struggle in the lowest battle +of savage or even animal man--the battle against famine. Countries are +rich, prosperous in all manner of increase, beyond example; but the men of +these countries are poor, needier than ever of all sustenance, outward and +inward; of belief, of knowledge, of money, of food." + +To this somber picture of American "prosperity" in the nineteenth century +nothing of worth can be added by the most inspired artist. Let us simply +inscribe upon the gloomy canvas the memorable words of an illustrious poet +of the period: + + That country speeds to an untoward fate, + Where men are trivial and gold is great. + +One of the most "sacred" rights of the ancient American was the trial of +an accused person by "a jury of his peers." This, in America, was a right +secured to him by a written constitution. It was almost universally +believed to have had its origin in Magna Carta, a famous document which +certain rebellious noblemen of another country had compelled their +sovereign to sign under a threat of death. That celebrated "bill of +rights" has not all come down to us, but researches of the learned have +made it certain that it contained no mention of trial by jury, which, +indeed, was unknown to its authors. The words _judicium parium_ meant to +them something entirely different--the judgment of the entire community of +freemen. The words and the practice they represented antedated Magna Carta +by many centuries and were common to the Franks and other Germanic +nations, amongst whom a trial "jury" consisted of persons having a +knowledge of the matter to be determined--persons who in later times were +called "witnesses" and rigorously excluded from the seats of judgment. + +It is difficult to conceive a more clumsy and ineffective machinery for +ascertaining truth and doing justice than a jury of twelve men of the +average intelligence, even among ourselves. What, then, must this device +have been among the half-civilized tribes of the Connected States of +America! Nay, the case is worse than that, for it was the practice to +prevent men of even the average intelligence from serving as jurors. +Jurors had to be residents of the locality of the crime charged, and every +crime was made a matter of public notoriety long before the accused was +brought to trial; yet, as a rule, he who had read or talked about the +trial was held disqualified to serve. This in a country where, when a man +who could read was not reading about local crimes he was talking about +them, or if doing neither was doing something worse! + +To the twelve men so chosen the opposing lawyers addressed their +disingenuous pleas and for their consideration the witnesses presented +their carefully rehearsed testimony, most of it false. So unintelligent +were these juries that a great part of the time in every trial was +consumed in keeping from them certain kinds of evidence with which they +could not be trusted; yet the lawyers were permitted to submit to them any +kind of misleading argument that they pleased and fortify it with +innuendoes without relevancy and logic without sense. Appeals to their +passions, their sympathies, their prejudices, were regarded as legitimate +influences and tolerated by the judges on the theory that each side's +offenses would about offset those of the other. In a criminal case it was +expected that the prosecutor would declare repeatedly and in the most +solemn manner his belief in the guilt of the person accused, and that the +attorney for the defense would affirm with equal gravity his conviction of +his client's innocence. How could they impress the jury with a belief +which they did not themselves venture to affirm? It is not recorded that +any lawyer ever rebelled against the iron authority of these conditions +and stood for truth and conscience. They were, indeed, the conditions of +his existence as a lawyer, a fact which they easily persuaded themselves +mitigated the baseness of their obedience to them, or justified it +altogether. + +The judges, as a rule, were no better, for before they could become judges +they must have been advocates, with an advocate's fatal disabilities of +judgment. Most of them depended for their office upon the favor of the +people, which, also, was fatal to the independence, the dignity and the +impartiality to which they laid so solemn claim. In their decisions they +favored, so far as they dared, every interest, class or person powerful +enough to help or hurt them in an election. Holding their high office by +so precarious a tenure, they were under strong temptation to enrich +themselves from the serviceable purses of wealthy litigants, and in +disregard of justice to cultivate the favor of the attorneys practicing +before them, and before whom they might soon be compelled themselves to +practice. + +In the higher courts of the land, where juries were unknown and appointed +judges held their seats for life, these awful conditions did not obtain, +and there Justice might have been content to dwell, and there she actually +did sometimes set her foot. Unfortunately, the great judges had the +consciences of their education. They had crept to place through the slime +of the lower courts and their robes of office bore the damnatory evidence. +Unfortunately, too, the attorneys, the jury habit strong upon them, +brought into the superior tribunals the moral characteristics and +professional methods acquired in the lower. Instead of assisting the +judges to ascertain the truth and the law, they cheated in argument and +took liberties with fact, deceiving the court whenever they deemed it to +the interest of their cause to do so, and as willingly won by a +technicality or a trick as by the justice of their contention and their +ability in supporting it. Altogether, the entire judicial system of the +Connected States of America was inefficient, disreputable, corrupt. + +The result might easily have been foreseen and doubtless was predicted by +patriots whose admonitions have not come down to us. Denied protection of +the law, neither property nor life was safe. Greed filled his coffers from +the meager hoards of Thrift, private vengeance took the place of legal +redress, mad multitudes rioted and slew with virtual immunity from +punishment or blame, and the land was red with crime. + +A singular phenomenon of the time was the immunity of criminal women. +Among the Americans woman held a place unique in the history of nations. +If not actually worshiped as a deity, as some historians, among them the +great Sagab-Joffoy, have affirmed, she was at least regarded with feelings +of veneration which the modern mind has a difficulty in comprehending. +Some degree of compassion for her mental inferiority, some degree of +forbearance toward her infirmities of temper, some degree of immunity for +the offenses which these peculiarities entail--these are common to all +peoples above the grade of barbarians. In ancient America these chivalrous +sentiments found open and lawful expression only in relieving woman of the +burden of participation in political and military service; the laws gave +her no express exemption from responsibility for crime. When she murdered, +she was arrested; when arrested, brought to trial--though the origin and +meaning of those observances are not now known. Gunkux, whose researches +into the jurisprudence of antiquity enable him to speak with commanding +authority of many things, gives us here nothing better than the conjecture +that the trial of women for murder, in the nineteenth century and a part +of the twentieth, was the survival of an earlier custom of actually +convicting and punishing them, but it seems extremely improbable that a +people that once put its female assassins to death would ever have +relinquished the obvious advantages of the practice while retaining with +purposeless tenacity some of its costly preliminary forms. Whatever may +have been the reason, the custom was observed with all the gravity of a +serious intention. Gunkux professes knowledge of one or two instances (he +does not name his authorities) where matters went so far as conviction and +sentence, and adds that the mischievous sentimentalists who had always +lent themselves to the solemn jest by protestations of great +_vraisemblance_ against "the judicial killing of women," became really +alarmed and filled the land with their lamentations. Among the phenomena +of brazen effrontery he classes the fact that some of these loud +protagonists of the right of women to assassinate unpunished were +themselves women! Howbeit, the sentences, if ever pronounced, were never +executed, and during the first quarter of the twentieth century the +meaningless custom of bringing female assassins to trial was abandoned. +What the effect was of their exemption from this considerable +inconvenience we have not the data to conjecture, unless we understand as +an allusion to it some otherwise obscure words of the famous Edward Bok, +the only writer of the period whose work has survived. In his monumental +essay on barbarous penology, entitled "Slapping the Wrist," he couples +"woman's emancipation from the trammels of law" and "man's better prospect +of death" in a way that some have construed as meaning that he regarded +them as cause and effect. It must be said, however, that this +interpretation finds no support in the general character of his writing, +which is exceedingly humane, refined and womanly. + +It has been said that the writings of this great man are the only +surviving work of his period, but of that we are not altogether sure. +There exists a fragment of an anonymous essay on woman's legal +responsibility which many Americologists think belongs to the beginning of +the twentieth century. Certainly it could not have been written later than +the middle of it, for at that time woman had been definitely released from +any responsibility to any law but that of her own will. The essay is an +argument against even such imperfect exemption as she had in its author's +time. + +"It has been urged," the writer says, "that women, being less rational and +more emotional than men, should not be held accountable in the same +degree. To this it may be answered that punishment for crime is not +intended to be retaliatory, but admonitory and deterrent. It is, +therefore, peculiarly necessary to those not easily reached by other forms +of warning and dissuasion. Control of the wayward is not to be sought in +reduction of restraints, but in their multiplication. One who cannot be +curbed by reason may be curbed by fear, a familiar truth which lies at the +foundation of all penological systems. The argument for exemption of women +is equally cogent for exemption of habitual criminals, for they too are +abnormally inaccessible to reason, abnormally disposed to obedience to the +suasion of their unregulated impulses and passions. To free them from the +restraints of the fear of punishment would be a bold innovation which has +as yet found no respectable proponent outside their own class. + +"Very recently this dangerous enlargement of the meaning of the phrase +'emancipation of woman' has been fortified with a strange advocacy by the +female 'champions of their sex.' Their argument runs this way: 'We are +denied a voice in the making of the laws relating to infliction of the +death penalty; it is unjust to hold us to an accountability to which we +have not assented.' Of course this argument is as broad as the entire body +of law; it amounts to nothing less than a demand for general immunity from +all laws, for to none of them has woman's assent been asked or given. But +let us consider this amazing claim with reference only to the proposal in +the service and promotion of which it is now urged: exemption of women +from the death penalty for murder. In the last analysis it is seen to be a +simple demand for compensation. It says: 'You owe us a _solatium_. Since +you deny us the right to vote, you should give us the right to +assassinate. We do not appraise it at so high a valuation as the other +franchise, but we do value it.' + +"Apparently they do: without legal, but with virtual, immunity from +punishment, the women of this country take an average of one thousand +lives annually, nine in ten being the lives of men. Juries of men, incited +and sustained by public opinion, have actually deprived every adult male +American of the right to live. If the death of any man is desired by any +woman for any reason he is without protection. She has only to kill him +and say that he wronged or insulted her. Certain almost incredible recent +instances prove that no woman is too base for immunity, no crime against +life sufficiently rich in all the elements of depravity to compel a +conviction of the assassin, or, if she is convicted and sentenced, her +punishment by the public executioner." + +In this interesting fragment, quoted by Bogul in his "History of an +Extinct Civilization," we learn something of the shame and peril of +American citizenship under institutions which, not having run their +foreordained course to the unhappy end, were still in some degree +supportable. What these institutions became afterward is a familiar story. +It is true that the law of trial by jury was repealed. It had broken down, +but not until it had sapped the whole nation's respect for all law, for +all forms of authority, for order and private virtues. The people whose +rude forefathers in another land it had served roughly to protect against +their tyrants, it had lamentably failed to protect against themselves, and +when in madness they swept it away, it was not as one renouncing an error, +but as one impatient of the truth which the error is still believed to +contain. They flung it away, not as an ineffectual restraint, but as a +restraint; not because it was no longer an instrument of justice for the +determination of truth, but because they feared that it might again become +such. In brief, trial by jury was abolished only when it had provoked +anarchy. + +Before turning to another phase of this ancient civilization I cannot +forbear to relate, after the learned and ingenious Gunkux, the only known +instance of a public irony expressing itself in the sculptor's noble art. +In the ancient city of Hohokus once stood a monument of colossal size and +impressive dignity. It was erected by public subscription to the memory of +a man whose only distinction consisted in a single term of service as a +juror in a famous murder trial, the details of which have not come down to +us. This occupied the court and held public attention for many weeks, +being bitterly contested by both prosecution and defense. When at last it +was given to the jury by the judge in the most celebrated charge that had +ever been delivered from the bench, a ballot was taken at once. The jury +stood eleven for acquittal to one for conviction. And so it stood at every +ballot of the more than fifty that were taken during the fortnight that +the jury was locked up for deliberation. Moreover, the dissenting juror +would not argue the matter; he would listen with patient attention while +his eleven indignant opponents thundered their opinions into his ears, +even when they supported them with threats of personal violence; but not a +word would he say. At last a disagreement was formally entered, the jury +discharged and the obstinate juror chased from the city by the maddened +populace. Despairing of success in another trial and privately admitting +his belief in the prisoner's innocence, the public prosecutor moved for +his release, which the judge ordered with remarks plainly implying his own +belief that the wrong man had been tried. + +Years afterward the accused person died confessing his guilt, and a little +later one of the jurors who had been sworn to try the case admitted that +he had attended the trial on the first day only, having been personated +during the rest of the proceedings by a twin brother, the obstinate +member, who was a deaf-mute. + +The monument to this eminent public servant was overthrown and destroyed +by an earthquake in the year 2342. + +One of the causes of that popular discontent which brought about the +stupendous events resulting in the disruption of the great republic, +historians and archæologists are agreed in reckoning "insurance." Of the +exact nature of that factor in the problem of the national life of that +distant day we are imperfectly informed; many of its details have perished +from the record, yet its outlines loom large through the mist of ages and +can be traced with greater precision than is possible in many more +important matters. + +In the monumental work of Professor Golunk-Dorsto ("Some Account of the +Insurance Delusion in Ancient America") we have its most considerable +modern exposition; and Gakler's well-known volume, "The Follies of +Antiquity," contains much interesting matter relating to it. From these +and other sources the student of human unreason can reconstruct that +astounding fallacy of insurance as, from three joints of its tail, the +great naturalist Bogramus restored the ancient elephant, from hoof to +horn. + +The game of insurance, as practiced by the ancient Americans (and, as +Gakler conjectures, by some of the tribesmen of Europe), was gambling, +pure and simple, despite the sentimental character that its proponents +sought to impress upon some forms of it for the greater prosperity of +their dealings with its dupes. Essentially, it was a bet between the +insurer and the insured. The number of ways in which the wager was +made--all devised by the insurer--was almost infinite, but in none of them +was there a departure from the intrinsic nature of the transaction as seen +in its simplest, frankest form, which we shall here expound. + +To those unlearned in the economical institutions of antiquity it is +necessary to explain that in ancient America, long prior to the disastrous +Japanese war, individual ownership of property was unrestricted; every +person was permitted to get as much as he was able, and to hold it as his +own without regard to his needs, or whether he made any good use of it or +not. By some plan of distribution not now understood even the habitable +surface of the earth, with the minerals beneath, was parceled out among +the favored few, and there was really no place except at sea where +children of the others could lawfully be born. Upon a part of the dry land +that he had been able to acquire, or had leased from another for the +purpose, a man would build a house worth, say, ten thousand _drusoes_. +(The ancient unit of value was the "dollar," but nothing is now known as +to its actual worth.) Long before the building was complete the owner was +beset by "touts" and "cappers" of the insurance game, who poured into his +ears the most ingenious expositions of the advantages of betting that it +would burn down--for with incredible fatuity the people of that time +continued, generation after generation, to build inflammable habitations. +The persons whom the capper represented--they called themselves an +"insurance company"--stood ready to accept the bet, a fact which seems to +have generated no suspicion in the mind of the house-owner. Theoretically, +of course, if the house did burn payment of the wager would partly or +wholly recoup the winner of the bet for the loss of his house, but in fact +the result of the transaction was commonly very different. For the +privilege of betting that his property would be destroyed by fire the +owner had to pay to the gentleman betting that it would not be, a certain +percentage of its value every year, called a "premium." The amount of this +was determined by the company, which employed statisticians and actuaries +to fix it at such a sum that, according to the law of probabilities, long +before the house was "due to burn," the company would have received more +than the value of it in premiums. In other words, the owner of the house +would himself supply the money to pay his bet, and a good deal more. + +But how, it may be asked, could the company's actuary know that the man's +house would last until he had paid in more than its insured value in +premiums--more, that is to say, than the company would have to pay back? +He could not, but from his statistics he could know how many houses in ten +thousand of that kind burned in their first year, how many in their +second, their third, and so on. That was all that he needed to know, the +house-owners knowing nothing about it. He fixed his rates according to the +facts, and the occasional loss of a bet in an individual instance did not +affect the certainty of a general winning. Like other professional +gamblers, the company expected to lose sometimes, yet knew that in the +long run it _must_ win; which meant that in any special case it would +_probably_ win. With a thousand gambling games open to him in which the +chances were equal, the infatuated dupe chose to "sit into" one where they +were against him! Deceived by the cappers' fairy tales, dazed by the +complex and incomprehensible "calculations" put forth for his undoing, and +having ever in the ear of his imagination the crackle and roar of the +impoverishing flames, he grasped at the hope of beating--in an unwelcome +way, it is true--"the man that kept the table." He must have known for a +certainty that if the company could afford to insure him he could not +afford to let it. He must have known that the whole body of the insured +paid to the insurers more than the insurers paid to them; otherwise the +business could not have been conducted. This they cheerfully admitted; +indeed, they proudly affirmed it. In fact, insurance companies were the +only professional gamblers that had the incredible hardihood to parade +their enormous winnings as an inducement to play against their game. These +winnings ("assets," they called them) proved their ability, they said, to +pay when they lost; and that was indubitably true. What they did not +prove, unfortunately, was the _will_ to pay, which from the imperfect +court records of the period that have come down to us, appears frequently +to have been lacking. Gakler relates that in the instance of the city of +San Francisco (somewhat doubtfully identified by Macronus as the modern +fishing-village of Gharoo) the disinclination of the insurance companies +to pay their bets had the most momentous consequences. + +In the year 1906 San Francisco was totally destroyed by fire. The +conflagration was caused by the friction of a pig scratching itself +against an angle of a wooden building. More than one hundred thousand +persons perished, and the loss of property is estimated by Kobo-Dogarque +at one and a half million _drusoes_. On more than two-thirds of this +enormous sum the insurance companies had laid bets, and the greater part +of it they refused to pay. In justification they pointed out that the deed +performed by the pig was "an act of God," who in the analogous instance of +the express companies had been specifically forbidden to take any action +affecting the interests of parties to a contract, or the result of an +agreed undertaking. + +In the ensuing litigation their attorneys cited two notable precedents. A +few years before the San Francisco disaster, another American city had +experienced a similar one through the upsetting of a lamp by the kick of a +cow. In that case, also, the insurance companies had successfully denied +their liability on the ground that the cow, manifestly incited by some +supernatural power, had unlawfully influenced the result of a wager to +which she was not a party. The companies defendant had contended that the +recourse of the property-owners was against, not them, but the owner of +the cow. In his decision sustaining that view and dismissing the case, a +learned judge (afterward president of one of the defendant companies) had +in the legal phraseology of the period pronounced the action of the cow an +obvious and flagrant instance of unwarrantable intervention. Kobo-Dogarque +believes that this decision was afterward reversed by an appellate court +of contrary political complexion and the companies were compelled to +compromise, but of this there is no record. It is certain that in the San +Francisco case the precedent was urged. + +Another precedent which the companies cited with particular emphasis +related to an unfortunate occurrence at a famous millionaires' club in +London, the capital of the renowned king, John Bui. A gentleman passing in +the street fell in a fit and was carried into the club in convulsions. Two +members promptly made a bet upon his life. A physician who chanced to be +present set to work upon the patient, when one of the members who had laid +the wager came forward and restrained him, saying: "Sir, I beg that you +will attend to your own business. I have my money on that fit." + +Doubtless these two notable precedents did not constitute the entire case +of the defendants in the San Francisco insurance litigation, but the +additional pleas are lost to us. + +Of the many forms of gambling known as insurance that called life +insurance appears to have been the most vicious. In essence it was the +same as fire insurance, marine insurance, accident insurance and so forth, +with an added offensiveness in that it was a betting on human +lives--commonly by the policy-holder on lives that should have been held +most sacred and altogether immune from the taint of traffic. In point of +practical operation this ghastly business was characterized by a more +fierce and flagrant dishonesty than any of its kindred pursuits. To such +lengths of robbery did the managers go that at last the patience of the +public was exhausted and a comparatively trivial occurrence fired the +combustible elements of popular indignation to a white heat in which the +entire insurance business of the country was burned out of existence, +together with all the gamblers who had invented and conducted it. The +president of one of the companies was walking one morning in a street of +New York, when he had the bad luck to step on the tail of a dog and was +bitten in retaliation. Frenzied by the pain of the wound, he gave the +creature a savage kick and it ran howling toward a group of idlers in +front of a grocery store. In ancient America the dog was a sacred animal, +worshiped by all sorts and conditions of tribesmen. The idlers at once +raised a great cry, and setting upon the offender beat him so that he +died. + +Their act was infectious: men, women and children trooped out of their +dwellings by thousands to join them, brandishing whatever weapons they +could snatch, and uttering wild cries of vengeance. This formidable mob +overpowered the police, and marching from one insurance office to another, +successively demolished them all, slew such officers as they could lay +hands on, and chased the fugitive survivors into the sea, "where," says a +quaint chronicle of the time, "they were eaten by their kindred, the +sharks." This carnival of violence continued all the day, and at set of +sun not one person connected with any form of insurance remained alive. + +Ferocious and bloody as was the massacre, it was only the beginning. As +the news of it went blazing and coruscating along the wires by which +intelligence was then conveyed across the country, city after city caught +the contagion. Everywhere, even in the small hamlets and the agricultural +districts, the dupes rose against their dupers. The smoldering resentment +of years burst into flame, and within a week all that was left of +insurance in America was the record of a monstrous and cruel delusion +written in the blood of its promoters. + +A remarkable feature of the crude and primitive civilization of the +Americans was their religion. This was polytheistic, as is that of all +backward peoples, and among their minor deities were their own women. This +has been disputed by respectable authorities, among them Gunkux and the +younger Kekler, but the weight of archæological testimony is against them, +for, as Sagab-Joffy ingeniously points out, none of less than divine rank +would by even the lowest tribes be given unrestricted license to kill. +Among the Americans woman, as already pointed out, indubitably had that +freedom, and exercised it with terrible effect, a fact which makes the +matter of their religion pertinent to the purpose of this monograph. If +ever an American woman was punished by law for murder of a man no record +of the fact is found; whereas, such American literature as we possess is +full of the most enthusiastic adulation of the impossible virtues and +imaginary graces of the human female. One writer even goes to the length +of affirming that respect for the sex is the foundation of political +stability, the cornerstone of civil and religious liberty! After the +break-up of the republic and the savage intertribal wars that followed, +Gyneolatry was an exhausted cult and woman was relegated to her old state +of benign subjection. + +Unfortunately, we know little of the means of travel in ancient America, +other than the names. It seems to have been done mainly by what were +called "railroads," upon which wealthy associations of men transported +their fellow-citizens in some kind of vehicle at a low speed, seldom +exceeding fifty or sixty miles an hour, as distance and time were then +reckoned--about equal to seven _kaltabs_ a _grillog_. Notwithstanding this +slow movement of the vehicles, the number and fatality of accidents were +incredible. In the Zopetroq Museum of Archæology is preserved an official +report (found in the excavations made by Droyhors on the supposed site of +Washington) of a Government Commission of the Connected States. From that +document we learn that in the year 1907 of their era the railroads of the +country killed 5,000 persons and wounded 72,286--a mortality which is said +by the commissioners to be twice that of the battle of Gettysburg, +concerning which we know nothing but the name. This was about the annual +average of railroad casualties of the period, and if it provoked comment +it at least led to no reform, for at a later period we find the mortality +even greater. That it was preventable is shown by the fact that in the +same year the railroads of Great Britain, where the speed was greater and +the intervals between vehicles less, killed only one passenger. It was a +difference of government: Great Britain had a government that governed; +America had not. Happily for humanity, the kind of government that does +not govern, self-government, "government of the people, by the people and +for the people" (to use a meaningless paradox of that time) has perished +from the face of the earth. + +An inherent weakness in republican government was that it assumed the +honesty and intelligence of the majority, "the masses," who were neither +honest nor intelligent. It would doubtless have been an excellent +government for a people so good and wise as to need none. In a country +having such a system the leaders, the politicians, must necessarily all be +demagogues, for they can attain to place and power by no other method than +flattery of the people and subserviency to the will of the majority. In +all the ancient American political literature we look in vain for a single +utterance of truth and reason regarding these matters. In none of it is a +hint that the multitude was ignorant and vicious, as we know it to have +been, and as it must necessarily be in any country, to whatever high +average of intelligence and morality the people attain; for "intelligence" +and "morality" are comparative terms, the standard of comparison being the +intelligence and morality of the wisest and best, who must always be the +few. Whatever general advance is made, those not at the head are +behind--are ignorant and immoral according to the new standard, and unfit +to control in the higher and broader policies demanded by the progress +made. Where there is true and general progress the philosopher of +yesterday would be the ignoramus of to-day, the honorable of one +generation the vicious of another. The peasant of our time is incomparably +superior to the statesman of ancient America, yet he is unfit to govern, +for there are others more fit. + +That a body of men can be wiser than its wisest member seems to the modern +understanding so obvious and puerile an error that it is inconceivable +that any people, even the most primitive, could ever have entertained it; +yet we know that in America it was a fixed and steadfast political faith. +The people of that day did not, apparently, attempt to explain how the +additional wisdom was acquired by merely assembling in council, as in +their "legislatures"; they seem to have assumed that it was so, and to +have based their entire governmental system upon that assumption, with +never a suspicion of its fallacy. It is like assuming that a mountain +range is higher than its highest peak. In the words of Golpek, "The early +Americans believed that units of intelligence were addable quantities," or +as Soseby more wittily puts it, "They thought that in a combination of +idiocies they had the secret of sanity." + +The Americans, as has been said, never learned that even among themselves +majorities ruled, not because they ought, but because they could--not +because they were wise, but because they were strong. The count of noses +determined, not the better policy, but the more powerful party. The weaker +submitted, as a rule, for it had to or risk a war in which it would be at +a disadvantage. Yet in all the early years of the republic they seem +honestly to have dignified their submission as "respect for the popular +verdict." They even quoted from the Latin language the sentiment that "the +voice of the people is the voice of God." And this hideous blasphemy was +as glib upon the lips of those who, without change of mind, were defeated +at the polls year after year as upon those of the victors. + +Of course, their government was powerless to restrain any aggression or +encroachment upon the general welfare as soon as a considerable body of +voters had banded together to undertake it. A notable instance has been +recorded by Bamscot in his great work, "Some Evil Civilizations." After +the first of America's great intestinal wars the surviving victors formed +themselves into an organization which seems at first to have been purely +social and benevolent, but afterward fell into the hands of rapacious +politicians who in order to preserve their power corrupted their followers +by distributing among them enormous sums of money exacted from the +government by threats of overturning it. In less than a half century after +the war in which they had served, so great was the fear which they +inspired in whatever party controlled the national treasury that the total +sum of their exactions was no less annually than seventeen million +_prastams_! As Dumbleshaw naïvely puts it, "having saved their country, +these gallant gentlemen naturally took it for themselves." The eventual +massacre of the remnant of this hardy and impenitent organization by the +labor unions more accustomed to the use of arms is beyond the province of +this monograph to relate. The matter is mentioned at all only because it +is a typical example of the open robbery that marked that period of the +republic's brief and inglorious existence; the Grand Army, as it called +itself, was no worse and no better than scores of other organizations +having no purpose but plunder and no method but menace. A little later +nearly all classes and callings became organized conspiracies, each +seeking an unfair advantage through laws which the party in power had not +the firmness to withhold, nor the party hoping for power the courage to +oppose. The climax of absurdity in this direction was reached in 1918, +when an association of barbers, known as Noblemen of the Razor, procured +from the parliament of the country a law giving it a representative in the +President's Cabinet, and making it a misdemeanor to wear a beard. + +In Soseby's "History of Popular Government" he mentions "a monstrous +political practice known as 'Protection to American Industries.'" Modern +research has not ascertained precisely what it was; it is known rather +from its effects than in its true character, but from what we can learn of +it to-day I am disposed to number it among those malefic agencies +concerned in the destruction of the American republics, particularly the +Connected States, although it appears not to have been peculiar to +"popular government." Some of the contemporary monarchies of Europe were +afflicted with it, but by the divine favor which ever guards a throne its +disastrous effects were averted. "Protection" consisted in a number of +extraordinary expedients, the purposes of which and their relations to one +another cannot with certainty be determined in the present state of our +knowledge. Debrethin and others agree that one feature of it was the +support, by general taxation, of a few favored citizens in public palaces, +where they passed their time in song and dance and all kinds of revelry. +They were not, however, altogether idle, being required out of the sums +bestowed upon them, to employ a certain number of men each in erecting +great piles of stone and pulling them down again, digging holes in the +ground and then filling them with earth, pouring water into casks and then +drawing it off, and so forth. The unhappy laborers were subject to the +most cruel oppressions, but the knowledge that their wages came from the +pockets of those whom their work nowise benefited was so gratifying to +them that nothing could induce them to leave the service of their +heartless employers to engage in lighter and more useful labor. + +Another characteristic of "Protection" was the maintenance at the +principal seaports of "customs-houses," which were strong fortifications +armed with heavy guns for the purpose of destroying or driving away the +trading ships of foreign nations. It was this that caused the Connected +States to be known abroad as the "Hermit Republic," a name of which its +infatuated citizens were strangely proud, although they had themselves +sent armed ships to open the ports of Japan and other Oriental countries +to their own commerce. In their own case, if a foreign ship came empty and +succeeded in evading the fire of the "customs-house," as sometimes +occurred, she was permitted to take away a cargo. + +It is obvious that such a system was distinctly evil, but it must be +confessed our uncertainty regarding the whole matter of "Protection" does +not justify us in assigning it a definite place among the causes of +national decay. That in some way it produced an enormous revenue is +certain, and that the method was dishonest is no less so; for this +revenue--known as a "surplus"--was so abhorred while it lay in the +treasury that all were agreed upon the expediency of getting rid of it, +two great political parties existing for apparently no other purpose than +the patriotic one of taking it out. + +But how, it may be asked, could people so misgoverned get on, even as well +as they did? + +From the records that have come down to us it does not appear that they +got on very well. They were preyed upon by all sorts of political +adventurers, whose power in most instances was limited only by the +contemporaneous power of other political adventurers equally unscrupulous. +A full half of the taxes wrung from them was stolen. Their public lands, +millions of square miles, were parceled out among banded conspirators. +Their roads and the streets of their cities were nearly impassable. Their +public buildings, conceived in abominable taste and representing enormous +sums of money, which never were used in their construction, began to +tumble about the ears of the workmen before they were completed. The most +delicate and important functions of government were intrusted to men with +neither knowledge, heart nor experience, who by their corruption imperiled +the public interest and by their blundering disgraced the national name. +In short, all the train of evils inseparable from government of any kind +beset this unhappy people with tenfold power, together with hundreds of +worse ones peculiar to their own faulty and unnatural system. It was +thought that their institutions would give them peace, yet in the first +three-quarters of a century of their existence they fought three important +wars: one of revenge, one of aggression and one--the bloodiest and most +wasteful known up to that time--among themselves. And before a century and +a half had passed they had the humiliation to see many of their seaport +cities destroyed by the Emperor of Japan in a quarrel which they had +themselves provoked by their greed of Oriental dominion. + +By far the most important factor concerned in bringing about the +dissolution of the republic and the incredible horrors that followed it +was what was known as "the contest between capital and labor." This +momentous struggle began in a rather singular way through an agitation set +afoot by certain ambitious women who preached at first to inattentive and +inhospitable ears, but with ever increasing acceptance, the doctrine of +equality of the sexes, and demanded the "emancipation" of woman. True, +woman was already an object of worship and had, as noted before, the right +to kill. She was treated with profound and sincere deference, because of +certain humble virtues, the product of her secluded life. Men of that time +appear to have felt for women, in addition to religious reverence, a +certain sentiment known as "love." The nature of this feeling is not +clearly known to us, and has been for ages a matter of controversy +evolving more heat than light. This much is plain: it was largely composed +of good will, and had its root in woman's dependence. Perhaps it had +something of the character of the benevolence with which we regard our +slaves, our children and our domestic animals--everything, in fact, that +is weak, helpless and inoffensive. + +Woman was not satisfied; her superserviceable advocates taught her to +demand the right to vote, to hold office, to own property, to enter into +employment in competition with man. Whatever she demanded she eventually +got. With the effect upon her we are not here concerned; the predicted +gain to political purity did not ensue, nor did commercial integrity +receive any stimulus from her participation in commercial pursuits. What +indubitably did ensue was a more sharp and bitter competition in the +industrial world through this increase of more than thirty per cent, in +its wage-earning population. In no age nor country has there ever been +sufficient employment for those requiring it. The effect of so enormously +increasing the already disproportionate number of workers in a single +generation could be no other than disastrous. Every woman employed +displaced or excluded some man, who, compelled to seek a lower employment, +displaced another, and so on, until the least capable or most unlucky of +the series became a tramp--a nomadic mendicant criminal! The number of +these dangerous vagrants in the beginning of the twentieth century of +their era has been estimated by Holobom at no less than seven and a half +_blukuks_! Of course, they were as tow to the fires of sedition, anarchy +and insurrection. It does not very nearly relate to our present purpose, +but it is impossible not to note in passing that this unhappy result, +directly flowing from woman's invasion of the industrial field, was +unaccompanied by any material advantage to herself. Individual women, here +and there one, may themselves have earned the support that they would +otherwise not have received, but the sex as a whole was not benefited. +They provided for themselves no better than they had previously been +provided for, and would still have been provided for, by the men whom they +displaced. The whole somber incident is unrelieved by a single gleam of +light. + +Previously to this invasion of the industrial field by woman there had +arisen conditions that were in themselves peculiarly menacing to the +social fabric. Some of the philosophers of the period, rummaging amongst +the dubious and misunderstood facts of commercial and industrial history, +had discovered what they were pleased to term "the law of supply and +demand"; and this they expounded with so ingenious a sophistry, and so +copious a wealth of illustration and example that what is at best but a +faulty and imperfectly applicable principle, limited and cut into by all +manner of other considerations, came to be accepted as the sole +explanation and basis of material prosperity and an infallible rule for +the proper conduct of industrial affairs. In obedience to this "law"--for, +interpreting it in its straitest sense they understood it to be +mandatory--employers and employees alike regulated by its iron authority +all their dealings with one another, throwing off the immemorial relations +of mutual dependence and mutual esteem as tending to interfere with +beneficent operation. The employer came to believe conscientiously that it +was not only profitable and expedient, but under all circumstances his +duty, to obtain his labor for as little money as possible, even as he sold +its product for as much. Considerations of humanity were not banished from +his heart, but most sternly excluded from his business. Many of these +misguided men would give large sums to various charities; would found +universities, hospitals, libraries; would even stop on their way to +relieve beggars in the street; but for their own work-people they had no +care. Straman relates in his "Memoirs" that a wealthy manufacturer once +said to one of his mill-hands who had asked for an increase of his wages +because unable to support his family on the pay that he was getting: "Your +family is nothing to me. I cannot afford to mix benevolence with my +business." Yet this man, the author adds, had just given a thousand +_drusoes_ to a "sea-man's home." He could afford to care for other men's +employees, but not for his own. He could not see that the act which he +performed as truly, and to the same degree, cut down his margin of profit +in his business as the act which he refused to perform would have done, +and had not the advantage of securing him better service from a grateful +workman. + +On their part the laborers were no better. Their relations to their +employers being "purely commercial," as it was called, they put no heart +into their work, seeking ever to do as little as possible for their money, +precisely as their employers sought to pay as little as possible for the +work they got. The interests of the two classes being thus antagonized, +they grew to distrust and hate each other, and each accession of ill +feeling produced acts which tended to broaden the breach more and more. +There was neither cheerful service on the one side nor ungrudging payment +on the other. + +The harder industrial conditions generated by woman's irruption into a new +domain of activity produced among laboring men a feeling of blind +discontent and concern. Like all men in apprehension, they drew together +for mutual protection, they knew not clearly against what. They formed +"labor unions," and believed them to be something new and effective in the +betterment of their condition; whereas, from the earliest historical +times, in Rome, in Greece, in Egypt, in Assyria, labor unions with their +accepted methods of "striking" and rioting had been discredited by an +almost unbroken record of failure. One of the oldest manuscripts then in +existence, preserved in a museum at Turin, but now lost, related how the +workmen employed in the necropolis at Thebes, dissatisfied with their +allowance of corn and oil, had refused to work, broken out of their +quarters and, after much rioting, been subdued by the arrows of the +military. And such, despite the sympathies and assistance of brutal mobs +of the populace, was sometimes the end of the American "strike." +Originally organized for self-protection, and for a time partly +successful, these leagues became great tyrannies, so reasonless in their +demands and so unscrupulous in their methods of enforcing them that the +laws were unable to deal with them, and frequently the military forces of +the several States were ordered out for the protection of life and +property; but in most cases the soldiers fraternized with the leagues, ran +away, or were easily defeated. The cruel and mindless mobs had always the +hypocritical sympathy and encouragement of the newspapers and the +politicians, for both feared their power and courted their favor. The +judges, dependent for their offices not only on "the labor vote," but, to +obtain it, on the approval of the press and the politicians, boldly set +aside the laws against conspiracy and strained to the utmost tension those +relating to riot, arson and murder. To such a pass did all this come that +in the year 1931 an inn-keeper's denial of a half-holiday to an under-cook +resulted in the peremptory closing of half the factories in the country, +the stoppage of all railroad travel and movement of freight by land and +water and a general paralysis of the industries of the land. Many +thousands of families, including those of the "strikers" and their +friends, suffered from famine; armed conflicts occurred in every State; +hundreds were slain and incalculable amounts of property wrecked and +destroyed. + +Failure, however, was inherent in the method, for success depended upon +unanimity, and the greater the membership of the unions and the more +serious their menace to the industries of the country, the higher was the +premium for defection; and at last strike-breaking became a regular +employment, organized, officered and equipped for the service required by +the wealth and intelligence that directed it. From that moment the doom of +labor unionism was decreed and inevitable. But labor unionism did not live +long enough to die that way. + +Naturally combinations of labor entailed combinations of capital. These +were at first purely protective. They were brought into being by the +necessity of resisting the aggressions of the others. But the trick of +combination once learned, it was seen to have possibilities of profit in +directions not dreamed of by its early promoters; its activities were not +long confined to fighting the labor unions with their own weapons and with +superior cunning and address. The shrewd and energetic men whose capacity +and commercial experience had made them rich while the laborers remained +poor were not slow to discern the advantages of coöperation over their own +former method of competition among themselves. They continued to fight the +labor unions, but ceased to fight one another. The result was that in the +brief period of two generations almost the entire business of the country +fell into the hands of a few gigantic corporations controlled by bold and +unscrupulous men, who, by daring and ingenious methods, made the body of +the people pay tribute to their greed. + +In a country where money was all-powerful the power of money was used +without stint and without scruple. Judges were bribed to do their duty, +juries to convict, newspapers to support and legislators to betray their +constituents and pass the most oppressive laws. By these corrupt means, +and with the natural advantage of greater skill in affairs and larger +experience in concerted action, the capitalists soon restored their +ancient reign and the state of the laborer was worse than it had ever been +before. Straman says that in his time two millions of unoffending workmen +in the various industries were once discharged without warning and +promptly arrested as vagrants and deprived of their ears because a sulking +canal-boatman had kicked his captain's dog into the water. And the dog was +a retriever. + +Had the people been honest and intelligent, as the politicians affirmed +them to be, the combination of capital could have worked no public +injury--would, in truth, have been a great public benefit. It enormously +reduced the expense of production and distribution, assured greater +permanency of employment, opened better opportunities to general and +special aptitude, gave an improved product, and at first supplied it at a +reduced price. Its crowning merit was that the industries of the country, +being controlled by a few men from a central source, could themselves be +easily controlled by law if law had been honestly administered. Under the +old order of scattered jurisdictions, requiring a multitude of actions at +law, little could be done, and little was done, to put a check on +commercial greed; under the new, much was possible, and at times something +was accomplished. But not for long; the essential dishonesty of the +American character enabled these capable and conscienceless +managers--"captains of industry" and "kings of finance"--to buy with money +advantages and immunities superior to those that the labor unions could +obtain by menaces and the promise of votes. The legislatures, the courts, +the executive officers, all the sources of authority and springs of +control, were defiled and impested until right and justice fled affrighted +from the land, and the name of the country became a stench in the nostrils +of the world. + +Let us pause in our narrative to say here that much of the abuse of the +so-called "trusts" by their victims took no account of the folly, +stupidity and greed of the victims themselves. A favorite method by which +the great corporations crushed out the competition of the smaller ones and +of the "individual dealers" was by underselling them--a method made +possible by nothing but the selfishness of the purchasing consumers who +loudly complained of it. These could have stood by their neighbor, the +"small dealer," if they had wanted to, and no underselling could, have +been done. When the trust lowered the price of its product they eagerly +took the advantage offered, then cursed the trust for ruining the small +dealer. When it raised the price they cursed it for ruining themselves. It +is not easy to see what the trust could have done that would have been +acceptable, nor is it surprising that it soon learned to ignore their +clamor altogether and impenitently plunder those whom it could not hope to +appease. + +Another of the many sins justly charged against the "kings of finance" was +this: They would buy properties worth, say, ten millions of "dollars" (the +value of the dollar is now unknown) and issue stock upon it to the face +value of, say, fifty millions. This their clamorous critics called +"creating" for themselves forty millions of dollars. They created nothing; +the stock had no dishonest value unless sold, and even at the most corrupt +period of the government nobody was compelled by law to buy. In nine cases +in ten the person who bought did so in the hope and expectation of getting +much for little and something for nothing. The buyer was no better than +the seller. He was a gambler. He "played against the game of the man who +kept the table" (as the phrase went), and naturally he lost. Naturally, +too, he cried out, but his lamentations, though echoed shrilly by the +demagogues, seem to have been unavailing. Even the rudimentary +intelligence of that primitive people discerned the impracticability of +laws forbidding the seller to set his own price on the thing he would sell +and declare it worth that price. Then, as now, nobody had to believe him. +Of the few who bought these "watered" stocks in good faith as an +investment in the honest hope of dividends it seems sufficient to say, in +the words of an ancient Roman, "Against stupidity the gods themselves are +powerless." Laws that would adequately protect the foolish from the +consequence of their folly would put an end to all commerce. The sin of +"over-capitalization" differed in magnitude only, not in kind, from the +daily practice of every salesman in every shop. Nevertheless, the popular +fury that it aroused must be reckoned among the main causes contributory +to the savage insurrections that accomplished the downfall of the +republic. + +With the formation of powerful and unscrupulous trusts of both labor and +capital to subdue each other the possibilities of combination were not +exhausted; there remained the daring plan of combining the two +belligerents! And this was actually effected. The laborer's demand for an +increased wage was always based upon an increased cost of living, which +was itself chiefly due to increased cost of production from reluctant +concessions of his former demands. But in the first years of the twentieth +century observers noticed on the part of capital a lessening reluctance. +More frequent and more extortionate and reasonless demands encountered a +less bitter and stubborn resistance; capital was apparently weakening just +at the time when, with its strong organizations of trained and willing +strike-breakers, it was most secure. Not so; an ingenious malefactor, +whose name has perished from history, had thought out a plan for bringing +the belligerent forces together to plunder the rest of the population. In +the accounts that have come down to us details are wanting, but we know +that, little by little, this amazing project was accomplished. Wages rose +to incredible rates. The cost of living rose with them, for +employers--their new allies wielding in their service the weapons +previously used against them, intimidation, the boycott, and so +forth--more than recouped themselves from the general public. Their +employees got rebates on the prices of products, but for consumers who +were neither laborers nor capitalists there was no mercy. Strikes were a +thing of the past; strike-breakers threw themselves gratefully into the +arms of the unions; "industrial discontent" vanished, in the words of a +contemporary poet, "as by the stroke of an enchanter's wand." All was +peace, tranquillity and order! Then the storm broke. + +A man in St. Louis purchased a sheep's kidney for seven-and-a-half +dollars. In his rage at the price he exclaimed: "As a public man I have +given twenty of the best years of my life to bringing about a friendly +understanding between capital and labor. I have succeeded, and may God +have mercy on my meddlesome soul!" + +The remark was resented, a riot ensued, and when the sun went down that +evening his last beams fell upon a city reeking with the blood of a +hundred millionaires and twenty thousand citizens and sons of toil! + +Students of the history of those troublous times need not to be told what +other and more awful events followed that bloody reprisal. Within +forty-eight hours the country was ablaze with insurrection, followed by +intestinal wars which lasted three hundred and seventy years and were +marked by such hideous barbarities as the modern historian can hardly +bring himself to relate. The entire stupendous edifice of popular +government, temple and citadel of fallacies and abuses, had crashed to +ruin. For centuries its fallen columns and scattered stones sheltered an +ever diminishing number of skulking anarchists, succeeded by hordes of +skin-clad savages subsisting on offal and raw flesh--the race-remnant of +an extinct civilization. All finally vanished from history into a darkness +impenetrable to conjecture. + + * * * * * + +In concluding this hasty and imperfect sketch I cannot forbear to relate +an episode of the destructive and unnatural contest between labor and +capital, which I find recorded in the almost forgotten work of Antrolius, +who was an eye-witness to the incident. + +At a time when the passions of both parties were most inflamed and scenes +of violence most frequent it was somehow noised about that at a certain +hour of a certain day some one--none could say who--would stand upon the +steps of the Capitol and speak to the people, expounding a plan for +reconciliation of all conflicting interests and pacification of the +quarrel. At the appointed hour thousands had assembled to hear--glowering +capitalists attended by hireling body-guards with firearms, sullen +laborers with dynamite bombs concealed in their clothing. All eyes were +directed to the specified spot, where suddenly appeared (none saw +whence--it seemed as if he had been there all the time, such his +tranquillity) a tall, pale man clad in a long robe, bare-headed, his hair +falling lightly upon his shoulders, his eyes full of compassion, and with +such majesty of face and mien that all were awed to silence ere he spoke. +Stepping slowly forward toward the throng and raising his right hand from +the elbow, the index finger extended upward, he said, in a voice ineffably +sweet and serious: "Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even +so do ye also unto them." + +These strange words he repeated in the same solemn tones three times; +then, as the expectant multitude waited breathless for his discourse, +stepped quietly down into the midst of them, every one afterward declaring +that he passed within a pace of where himself had stood. For a moment the +crowd was speechless with surprise and disappointment, then broke into +wild, fierce cries: "Lynch him, lynch him!" and some have testified that +they heard the word "crucify." Struggling into looser order, the +infuriated mob started in mad pursuit; but each man ran a different way +and the stranger was seen again by none of them. + + + + +THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW + +(After the method of Swift, who followed Lucian, and was himself followed +by Voltaire and many others.) + + +THITHER + +A crowd of men were assisting at a dog-fight. The scene was one of +indescribable confusion. In the center of the tumult the dogs, obscure in +a cloud of dust, rolled over and over, howling, yarring, tearing each +other with sickening ferocity. About them the hardly less ferocious men +shouted, cursed and struck, encouraged the animals with sibilant +utterances and threatened with awful forms of death and perdition all who +tried to put an end to the combat. Caught in the thick of this pitiless +mob I endeavored to make my way to a place of peace, when a burly +blackguard, needlessly obstructing me, said derisively: + +"I guess you are working pockets." + +"You are a liar!" I retorted hotly. + +That is all the provocation that I remember to have given. + + +SONS OF THE FAIR STAR + +When consciousness returned the sun was high in the heavens, yet the light +was dim, and had that indefinable ghastly quality that is observed during +a partial eclipse. The sun itself appeared singularly small, as if it were +at an immensely greater distance than usual. Rising with some difficulty +to my feet, I looked about me. I was in an open space among some trees +growing on the slope of a mountain range whose summit on the one hand was +obscured by a mist of a strange pinkish hue, and on the other rose into +peaks glittering with snow. Skirting the base at a distance of two or +three miles flowed a wide river, and beyond it a nearly level plain +stretched away to the horizon, dotted with villages and farmhouses and +apparently in a high state of cultivation. All was unfamiliar in its every +aspect. The trees were unlike any that I had ever seen or even imagined, +the trunks being mostly square and the foliage consisting of slender +filaments resembling hair, in many instances long enough to reach the +earth. It was of many colors, and I could not perceive that there was any +prevailing one, as green is in the vegetation to which I was accustomed. +As far as I could see there were no grass, no weeds, no flowers; the earth +was covered with a kind of lichen, uniformly blue. Instead of rocks, great +masses of metals protruded here and there, and above me on the mountain +were high cliffs of what seemed to be bronze veined with brass. No animals +were visible, but a few birds as uncommon in appearance as their +surroundings glided through the air or perched upon the rocks. I say +glided, for their motion was not true flight, their wings being mere +membranes extended parallel to their sides, and having no movement +independent of the body. The bird was, so to say, suspended between them +and moved forward by quick strokes of a pair of enormously large webbed +feet, precisely as a duck propels itself in water. All these things +excited in me no surprise, nor even curiosity; they were merely +unfamiliar. That which most interested me was what appeared to be a bridge +several miles away, up the river, and to this I directed my steps, +crossing over from the barren and desolate hills to the populous plain. + +For a full history of my life and adventures in Mogon-Zwair, and a +detailed description of the country, its people, their manners and +customs, I must ask the reader to await the publication of a book, now in +the press, entitled _A Blackened Eye_; in this brief account I can give +only a few of such particulars as seem instructive by contrast with our +own civilization. + +The inhabitants of Mogon-Zwair call themselves Golampis, a word signifying +Sons of the Fair Star. Physically they closely resemble ourselves, being +in all respects the equals of the highest Caucasian type. Their hair, +however, has a broader scheme of color, hair of every hue known to us, and +even of some imperceptible to my eyes but brilliant to theirs, being too +common to excite remark. A Golampian assemblage with uncovered heads +resembles, indeed, a garden of flowers, vivid and deep in color, no two +alike. They wear no clothing of any kind, excepting for adornment and +protection from the weather, resembling in this the ancient Greeks and the +Japanese of yesterday; nor was I ever able to make them comprehend that +clothing could be worn for those reasons for which it is chiefly worn +among ourselves. They are destitute of those feelings of delicacy and +refinement which distinguish us from the lower animals, and which, in the +opinion of our acutest and most pious thinkers, are evidences of our close +relation to the Power that made us. + +Among this people certain ideas which are current among ourselves as mere +barren faiths expressed in disregarded platitudes receive a practical +application to the affairs of life. For example, they hold, with the best, +wisest and most experienced of our own race, and one other hereafter to be +described, that wealth does not bring happiness and is a misfortune and an +evil. None but the most ignorant and depraved, therefore, take the trouble +to acquire or preserve it. A rich Golampi is naturally regarded with +contempt and suspicion, is shunned by the good and respectable and +subjected to police surveillance. Accustomed to a world where the rich man +is profoundly and justly respected for his goodness and wisdom (manifested +in part by his own deprecatory protests against the wealth of which, +nevertheless, he is apparently unable to rid himself) I was at first +greatly pained to observe the contumelious manner of the Golampis toward +this class of men, carried in some instances to the length of personal +violence; a popular amusement being the pelting them with coins. These the +victims would carefully gather from the ground and carry away with them, +thus increasing their hoard and making themselves all the more liable to +popular indignities. + +When the cultivated and intelligent Golampi finds himself growing too +wealthy he proceeds to get rid of his surplus riches by some one of many +easy expedients. One of these I have just described; another is to give +his excess to those of his own class who have not sufficient to buy +employment and so escape leisure, which is considered the greatest evil of +all. "Idleness," says one of their famous authors, "is the child of +poverty and the parent of discontent"; and another great writer says: "No +one is without employment; the indolent man works for his enemies." + +In conformity to these ideas the Golampis--all but the ignorant and +vicious rich--look upon labor as the highest good, and the man who is so +unfortunate as not to have enough money to purchase employment in some +useful industry will rather engage in a useless one than not labor at all. +It is not unusual to see hundreds of men carrying water from a river and +pouring it into a natural ravine or artificial channel, through which it +runs back into the stream. Frequently a man is seen conveying stones--or +the masses of metal which there correspond to stones--from one pile to +another. When all have been heaped in a single place he will convey them +back again, or to a new place, and so proceed until darkness puts an end +to the work. This kind of labor, however, does not confer the satisfaction +derived from the consciousness of being useful, and is never performed by +any person having the means to hire another to employ him in some +beneficial industry. The wages usually paid to employers are from three to +six _balukan_ a day. This statement may seem incredible, but I solemnly +assure the reader that I have known a bad workman or a feeble woman to pay +as high as eight; and there have been instances of men whose incomes had +outgrown their desires paying even more. + +Labor being a luxury which only those in easy circumstances can afford, +the poor are the more eager for it, not only because it is denied them, +but because it is a sign of respectability. Many of them, therefore, +indulge in it on credit and soon find themselves deprived of what little +property they had to satisfy their hardfisted employers. A poor woman once +complained to me that her husband spent every _rylat_ that he could get in +the purchase of the most expensive kinds of employment, while she and the +children were compelled to content themselves with such cheap and coarse +activity as dragging an old wagon round and round in a small field which a +kind-hearted neighbor permitted them to use for the purpose. I afterward +saw this improvident husband and unnatural father. He had just squandered +all the money he had been able to beg or borrow in buying six tickets, +which entitled the holder to that many days' employment in pitching hay +into a barn. A week later I met him again. He was broken in health, his +limbs trembled, his walk was an uncertain shuffle. Clearly he was +suffering from overwork. As I paused by the wayside to speak to him a +wagon loaded with hay was passing. He fixed his eyes upon it with a +hungry, wolfish glare, clutched a pitchfork and leaned eagerly forward, +watching the vanishing wagon with breathless attention and heedless of my +salutation. That night he was arrested, streaming with perspiration, in +the unlawful act of unloading that hay and putting it into its owner's +barn. He was tried, convicted and sentenced to six months' detention in +the House of Indolence. + +The whole country is infested by a class of criminal vagrants known as +_strambaltis_, or, as we should say, "tramps." These persons prowl about +among the farms and villages begging for work in the name of charity. +Sometimes they travel in groups, as many as a dozen together, and then the +farmer dares not refuse them; and before he can notify the constabulary +they will have performed a great deal of the most useful labor that they +can find to do and escaped without paying a _rylat_. One trustworthy +agriculturist assured me that his losses in one year from these +depredations amounted to no less a sum than seven hundred _balukan_! On +nearly all the larger and more isolated farms a strong force of guards is +maintained during the greater part of the year to prevent these outrages, +but they are frequently overpowered, and sometimes prove unfaithful to +their trust by themselves working secretly by night. + +The Golampi priesthood has always denounced overwork as a deadly sin, and +declared useless and apparently harmless work, such as carrying water from +the river and letting it flow in again, a distinct violation of the divine +law, in which, however, I could never find any reference to the matter; +but there has recently risen a sect which holds that all labor being +pleasurable, each kind in its degree is immoral and wicked. This sect, +which embraces many of the most holy and learned men, is rapidly spreading +and becoming a power in the state. It has, of course, no churches, for +these cannot be built without labor, and its members commonly dwell in +caves and live upon such roots and berries as can be easily gathered, of +which the country produces a great abundance though all are exceedingly +unpalatable. These _Gropoppsu_ (as the members of this sect call +themselves) pass most of their waking hours sitting in the sunshine with +folded hands, contemplating their navels; by the practice of which +austerity they hope to obtain as reward an eternity of hard labor after +death. + +The Golampis are an essentially pious and religious race. There are few, +indeed, who do not profess at least one religion. They are nearly all, in +a certain sense, polytheists: they worship a supreme and beneficent deity +by one name or another, but all believe in the existence of a subordinate +and malevolent one, whom also, while solemnly execrating him in public +rites, they hold at heart in such reverence that needlessly to mention his +name or that of his dwelling is considered sin of a rank hardly inferior +to blasphemy. I am persuaded that this singular tenderness toward a being +whom their theology represents as an abominable monster, the origin of all +evil and the foe to souls, is a survival of an ancient propitiatory +adoration. Doubtless this wicked deity was once so feared that his +conciliation was one of the serious concerns of life. He is probably as +greatly feared now as at any former time, but is apparently less hated, +and is by some honestly admired. + +It is interesting to observe the important place held in Golampian affairs +by religious persecution. The Government is a pure theocracy, all the +Ministers of State and the principal functionaries in every department of +control belonging to the priesthood of the dominant church. It is +popularly believed in Mogon-Zwair that persecution, even to the extent of +taking life, is in the long run beneficial to the cause enduring it. This +belief has, indeed, been crystallized into a popular proverb, not capable +of accurate translation into our tongue, but to the effect that martyrs +fertilize religion by pouring out their blood about its roots. Acting upon +this belief with their characteristically logical and conscientious +directness, the sacerdotal rulers of the country mercilessly afflict the +sect to which themselves belong. They arrest its leading members on false +charges, throw them into loathsome and unwholesome dungeons, subject them +to the crudest tortures and sometimes put them to death. The provinces in +which the state religion is especially strong are occasionally raided and +pillaged by government soldiery, recruited for the purpose by conscription +among the dissenting sects, and are sometimes actually devastated with +fire and sword. The result is not altogether confirmatory of the popular +belief and does not fulfil the pious hope of the governing powers who are +cruel to be kind. The vitalizing efficacy of persecution is not to be +doubted, but the persecuted of too feeble faith frequently thwart its +beneficent intent and happy operation by apostasy. + +Having in mind the horrible torments which a Golampian general had +inflicted upon the population of a certain town I once ventured to protest +to him that so dreadful a sum of suffering, seeing that it did not +accomplish its purpose, was needless and unwise. + +"Needless and unwise it may be," said he, "and I am disposed to admit that +the result which I expected from it has not followed; but why do you speak +of the _sum_ of suffering? I tortured those people in but a single, simple +way--by skinning their legs." + +"Ah, that is very true," said I, "but you skinned the legs of one +thousand." + +"And what of that?" he asked. "Can one thousand, or ten thousand, or any +number of persons suffer more agony than one? A man may have his leg +broken, then his nails pulled out, then be seared with a hot iron. Here is +suffering added to suffering, and the effect is really cumulative. In the +true mathematical sense it is a _sum_ of suffering. A single person can +experience it. But consider, my dear sir. How can you add one man's agony +to another's? They are not addable quantities. Each is an individual pain, +unaffected by the other. The limit of anguish which ingenuity can inflict +is that utmost pang which one man has the vitality to endure." + +I was convinced but not silenced. + +The Golampians all believe, singularly enough, that truth possesses some +inherent vitality and power that give it an assured prevalence over +falsehood; that a good name cannot be permanently defiled and irreparably +ruined by detraction, but, like a star, shines all the brighter for the +shadow through which it is seen; that justice cannot be stayed by +injustice; that vice is powerless against virtue. I could quote from their +great writers hundreds of utterances affirmative of these propositions. +One of their poets, for example, has some striking and original lines, of +which the following is a literal but unmetrical translation: + + A man who is in the right has three arms, + But he whose conscience is rotten with wrong + Is stripped and confined in a metal cell. + +Imbued with these beliefs, the Golampis think it hardly worth while to be +truthful, to abstain from slander, to do justice and to avoid vicious +actions. "The practice," they say, "of deceit, calumniation, oppression +and immorality cannot have any sensible and lasting injurious effect, and +it is most agreeable to the mind and heart. Why should there be personal +self-denial without commensurate general advantage?" + +In consequence of these false views, affirmed by those whom they regard as +great and wise, the people of Mogon-Zwair are, as far as I have observed +them, the most conscienceless liars, cheats, thieves, rakes and all-round, +many-sided sinners that ever were created to be damned. It was, therefore, +with inexpressible joy that I received one day legal notification that I +had been tried in the High Court of Conviction and sentenced to banishment +to Lalugnan. My offense was that I had said that I regarded consistency as +the most detestable of all vices. + + +AN INTERVIEW WITH GNARMAG-ZOTE + +Mogon-Zwair and Lalugnan, having the misfortune to lie on opposite sides +of a line, naturally hate each other; so each country sends its dangerous +political criminals into the other, where they usually enjoy high honors +and are sometimes elevated to important office under the crown. I was +therefore received in Lalugnan with hospitality and given every +encouragement in prosecuting my researches into the history and +intellectual life of the people. They are so extraordinary a people, +inhabiting so marvelous a country, that everything which the traveler +sees, hears or experiences makes a lively and lasting impression upon his +mind, and the labor of a lifetime would be required to relate the +observation of a single year. I shall notice here only one or two points +of national character--those which differ most conspicuously from ours, +and in which, consequently, they are least worthy. + +With a fatuity hardly more credible than creditable, the Lalugwumps, as +they call themselves, deny the immortality of the soul. In all my stay in +their country I found only one person who believed in a life "beyond the +grave," as we should say, though as the Lalugwumps are cannibals they +would say "beyond the stomach." In testimony to the consolatory value of +the doctrine of another life, I may say that this one true believer had in +this life a comparatively unsatisfactory lot, for in early youth he had +been struck by a flying stone from a volcano and had lost a considerable +part of his brain. + +I cannot better set forth the nature and extent of the Lalugwumpian error +regarding this matter than by relating a conversation that occurred +between me and one of the high officers of the King's household--a man +whose proficiency in all the vices of antiquity, together with his service +to the realm in determining the normal radius of curvature in cats' claws, +had elevated him to the highest plane of political preferment. His name +was Gnarmag-Zote. + +"You tell me," said he, "that the soul is immaterial. Now, matter is that +of which we can have knowledge through one or more of our senses. Of what +is immaterial--not matter--we can gain no knowledge in that way. How, +then, can we know anything about it?" + +Perceiving that he did not rightly apprehend my position I abandoned it +and shifted the argument to another ground. "Consider," I said, "the +analogous case of a thought. You will hardly call thought material, yet we +know there are thoughts." + +"I beg your pardon, but we do not know that. Thought is not a thing, +therefore cannot _be_ in any such sense, for example, as the hand _is_. We +use the word 'thought' to designate the result of an action of the brain, +precisely as we use the word 'speed' to designate the result of an action +of a horse's legs. But can it be said that speed _exists_ in the same way +as the legs which produce it exist, or in any way? Is it a thing?" + +I was about to disdain to reply, when I saw an old man approaching, with +bowed head, apparently in deep distress. As he drew near he saluted my +distinguished interlocutor in the manner of the country, by putting out +his tongue to its full extent and moving it slowly from side to side. +Gnarmag-Zote acknowledged the civility by courteously spitting, and the +old man, advancing, seated himself at the great officer's feet, saying: +"Exalted Sir, I have just lost my wife by death, and am in a most +melancholy frame of mind. He who has mastered all the vices of the +ancients and wrested from nature the secret of the normal curvature of +cats' claws can surely spare from his wisdom a few rays of philosophy to +cheer an old man's gloom. Pray tell me what I shall do to assuage my +grief." + +The reader can, perhaps, faintly conceive my astonishment when +Gnarmag-Zote gravely replied: "Kill yourself." + +"Surely," I cried, "you would not have this honest fellow procure oblivion +(since you think that death is nothing else) by so rash an act!" + +"An act that Gnarmag-Zote advises," he said, coldly, "is not rash." + +"But death," I said, "death, whatever else it may be, is an end of life. +This old man is now in sorrow almost insupportable. But a few days and it +will be supportable; a few months and it will have become no more than a +tender melancholy. At last it will disappear, and in the society of his +friends, in the skill of his cook, the profits of avarice, the study of +how to be querulous and in the pursuit of loquacity, he will again +experience the joys of age. Why for a present grief should he deprive +himself of all future happiness?" + +Gnarmag-Zote looked upon me with something like compassion. "My friend," +said he, "guest of my sovereign and my country, know that in any +circumstances, even those upon which true happiness is based and +conditioned, death is preferable to life. The sum of miseries in any life +(here in Lalugnan at least) exceeds the sum of pleasures; but suppose that +it did not. Imagine an existence in which happiness, of whatever +intensity, is the rule, and discomfort, of whatever moderation, the +exception. Still there is some discomfort. There is none in death, for (as +it is given to us to know) that is oblivion, annihilation. True, by dying +one loses his happiness as well as his sorrows, but he is not conscious of +the loss. Surely, a loss of which one will never know, and which, if it +operate to make him less happy, at the same time takes from him the desire +and capacity and need of happiness, cannot be an evil. That is so +intelligently understood among us here in Lalugnan that suicide is common, +and our word for sufferer is the same as that for fool. If this good man +had not been an idiot he would have taken his life as soon as he was +bereaved." + +"If what you say of the blessing of death is true," I said, smilingly, for +I greatly prided myself on the ingenuity of my thought, "it is unnecessary +to commit suicide through grief for the dead; for the more you love the +more glad you should be that the object of your affection has passed into +so desirable a state as death." + +"So we are--those of us who have cultivated philosophy, history and logic; +but this poor fellow is still under the domination of feelings inherited +from a million ignorant and superstitious ancestors--for Lalugnan was once +as barbarous a country as your own. The most grotesque and frightful +conceptions of death, and life after death, were current; and now many of +even those whose understandings are emancipated wear upon their feelings +the heavy chain of heredity." + +"But," said I, "granting for the sake of the argument which I am about to +build upon the concession" (I could not bring myself to use the idiotic +and meaningless phrase, "for the sake of argument") "that death, +especially the death of a Lalugwump, is desirable, yet the act of dying, +the transition state between living and being dead, may be accompanied by +the most painful physical, and most terrifying mental phenomena. The +moment of dissolution may seem to the exalted sensibilities of the +moribund a century of horrors." + +The great man smiled again, with a more intolerable benignity than before. +"There is no such thing as dying," he said; "the 'transition state' is a +creation of your fancy and an evidence of imperfect reason. One is at any +time either alive or dead. The one condition cannot shade off into the +other. There is no gradation like that between waking and sleeping. By the +way, do you recognize a certain resemblance between death and a dreamless +sleep?" + +"Yes--death as you conceive it to be." + +"Well, does any one fear sleep? Do we not seek it, court it, wish that it +may be sound--that is to say, dreamless? We desire occasional +annihilation--wish to be dead for eight and ten hours at a time. True, we +expect to awake, but that expectation, while it may account for our +alacrity in embracing sleep, cannot alter the character of the state that +we cheerfully go into. Suppose we did _not_ wake in the morning, never did +wake! Would our mental and spiritual condition be in any respect different +through all eternity from what it was during the first few hours? After how +many hours does oblivion begin to be an evil? The man who loves to sleep +yet hates to die might justly be granted everlasting life with everlasting +insomnia." + +Gnarmag-Zote paused and appeared to be lost in the profundity of his +thoughts, but I could easily enough see that he was only taking breath. +The old man whose grief had given this turn to the conversation had fallen +asleep and was roaring in the nose like a beast. The rush of a river near +by, as it poured up a hill from the ocean, and the shrill singing of +several kinds of brilliant quadrupeds were the only other sounds audible. +I waited deferentially for the great antiquarian, scientist and courtier +to resume, amusing myself meantime by turning over the leaves of an +official report by the Minister of War on a new and improved process of +making thunder from snail slime. Presently the oracle spoke. + +"You have been born," he said, which was true. "There was, it follows, a +time when you had not been born. As we reckon time, it was probably some +millions of ages. Of this considerable period you are unable to remember +one unhappy moment, and in point of fact there was none. To a Lalugwump +that is entirely conclusive as to the relative values of consciousness and +oblivion, existence and nonexistence, life and death. This old man lying +here at my feet is now, if not dreaming, as if he had never been born. +Would not it be cruel and inhuman to wake him back to grief? Is it, then, +kind to permit him to wake by the natural action of his own physical +energies? I have given him the advice for which he asked. Believing it +good advice, and seeing him too irresolute to act, it seems my clear duty +to assist him." + +Before I could interfere, even had I dared take the liberty to do so, +Gnarmag-Zote struck the old man a terrible blow upon the head with his +mace of office. The victim turned upon his back, spread his fingers, +shivered convulsively and was dead. + +"You need not be shocked," said the distinguished assassin, coolly: "I +have but performed a sacred duty and religious rite. The religion +(established first in this realm by King Skanghutch, the sixty-second of +that name) consists in the worship of Death. We have sacred books, some +three thousand thick volumes, said to be written by inspiration of Death +himself, whom no mortal has ever seen, but who is described by our priests +as having the figure of a fat young man with a red face and wearing an +affable smile. In art he is commonly represented in the costume of a +husbandman sowing seeds. + +"The priests and sacred books teach that death is the supreme and only +good--that the chief duties of man are, therefore, assassination and +suicide. Conviction of these cardinal truths is universal among us, but I +am sorry to say that many do not honestly live up to the faith. Most of us +are commendably zealous in assassination, but slack and lukewarm in +suicide. Some justify themselves in this half-hearted observance of the +Law and imperfect submission to the Spirit by arguing that if they destroy +themselves their usefulness in destroying others will be greatly abridged. +'I find,' says one of our most illustrious writers, not without a certain +force, it must be confessed, 'that I can slay many more of others than I +can of myself.' + +"There are still others, more distinguished for faith than works, who +reason that if A kill B, B cannot kill C. So it happens that although many +Lalugwumps die, mostly by the hands of others, though some by their own, +the country is never wholly depopulated." + +"In my own country," said I, "is a sect holding somewhat Lalugwumpian +views of the evil of life; and among the members it is considered a sin to +bestow it. The philosopher Schopenhauer taught the same doctrine, and many +of our rulers have shown strong sympathetic leanings toward it by +procuring the destruction of many of their own people and those of other +nations in what is called war." + +"They are greatly to be commended," said Gnarmag-Zote, rising to intimate +that the conversation was at an end. I respectfully protruded my tongue +while he withdrew into his palace, spitting politely and with unusual +copiousness in acknowledgment. A few minutes later, but before I had left +the spot, two lackeys in livery emerged from the door by which he had +entered, and while one shouldered the body of the old man and carried it +into the palace kitchen the other informed me that his Highness was +graciously pleased to desire my company at dinner that evening. With many +expressions of regret I declined the invitation, unaware that to do so was +treason. With the circumstances of my escape to the island of Tamtonia the +newspapers have made the world already familiar. + + +THE TAMTONIANS + +In all my intercourse with the Tamtonians I was treated with the most +distinguished consideration and no obstacles to a perfect understanding of +their social and political life were thrown in my way. My enforced +residence on the island was, however, too brief to enable me to master the +whole subject as I should have liked to do. + +The government of Tamtonia is what is known in the language of the island +as a _gilbuper_. It differs radically from any form known in other parts +of the world and is supposed to have been invented by an ancient chief of +the race, named Natas, who was for many centuries after his death +worshiped as a god, and whose memory is still held in veneration. The +government is of infinite complexity, its various functions distributed +among as many officers as possible, multiplication of places being +regarded as of the greatest importance, and not so much a means as an end. +The Tamtonians seem to think that the highest good to which a human being +can attain is the possession of an office; and in order that as many as +possible may enjoy that advantage they have as many offices as the country +will support, and make the tenure brief and in no way dependent on good +conduct and intelligent administration of official duty. In truth, it +occurs usually that a man is turned out of his office (in favor of an +incompetent successor) before he has acquired sufficient experience to +perform his duties with credit to himself or profit to the country. Owing +to this incredible folly, the affairs of the island are badly mismanaged. +Complaints are the rule, even from those who have had their way in the +choice of officers. Of course there can be no such thing as a knowledge of +the science of government among such a people, for it is to nobody's +interest to acquire it by study of political history. There is, indeed, a +prevalent belief that nothing worth knowing is to be learned from the +history of other nations--not even from the history of their errors--such +is this extraordinary people's national vanity! One of the most notable +consequences of this universal and voluntary ignorance is that Tamtonia is +the home of all the discreditable political and fiscal heresies from which +many other nations, and especially our own, emancipated themselves +centuries ago. They are there in vigorous growth and full flower, and +believed to be of purely Tamtonian origin. + +It needs hardly to be stated that in their personal affairs these people +pursue an entirely different course, for if they did not there could be no +profitable industries and professions among them, and no property to tax +for the support of their government. In his private business a Tamtonian +has as high appreciation of fitness and experience as anybody, and having +secured a good man keeps him in service as long as possible. + +The ruler of the nation, whom they call a _Tnediserp_, is chosen every +five years but may be rechosen for five more. He is supposed to be +selected by the people themselves, but in reality they have nothing to do +with his selection. The method of choosing a man for _Tnediserp_ is so +strange that I doubt my ability to make it clear. + +The adult male population of the island divides itself into two or more +_seitrap_[1] Commonly there are three or four, but only two ever have any +considerable numerical strength, and none is ever strong morally or +intellectually. All the members of each _ytrap_ profess the same political +opinions, which are provided for them by their leaders every five years +and written down on pieces of paper so that they will not be forgotten. +The moment that any Tamtonian has read his piece of paper, or _mroftalp_, +he unhesitatingly adopts all the opinions that he finds written on it, +sometimes as many as forty or fifty, although these may be altogether +different from, or even antagonistic to, those with which he was supplied +five years before and has been advocating ever since. It will be seen from +this that the Tamtonian mind is a thing whose processes no American can +hope to respect, or even understand. It is instantaneously convinced +without either fact or argument, and when these are afterward presented +they only confirm it in its miraculous conviction; those which make +against that conviction having an even stronger confirmatory power than +the others. I have said any Tamtonian, but that is an overstatement. A few +usually persist in thinking as they did before; or in altering their +convictions in obedience to reason instead of authority, as our own people +do; but they are at once assailed with the most opprobrious names, accused +of treason and all manner of crimes, pelted with mud and stones and in +some instances deprived of their noses and ears by the public executioner. +Yet in no country is independence of thought so vaunted as a virtue, and +in none is freedom of speech considered so obvious a natural right or so +necessary to good government. + + [1] The Tamtonian language forms its plurals most irregularly, but + usually by an initial inflection. It has a certain crude and + primitive grammar, but in point of orthoepy is extremely + difficult. With our letters I can hardly hope to give an + accurate conception of its pronunciation. As nearly as possible + I write its words as they sounded to my ear when carefully + spoken for my instruction by intelligent natives. It is a harsh + tongue. + +At the same time that each _ytrap_ is supplied with its political opinions +for the next five years, its leaders--who, I am told, all pursue the +vocation of sharpening axes--name a man whom they wish chosen for the +office of _Tnediserp_. He is usually an idiot from birth, the Tamtonians +having a great veneration for such, believing them to be divinely +inspired. Although few members of the _ytrap_ have ever heard of him +before, they at once believe him to have been long the very greatest idiot +in the country; and for the next few months they do little else than quote +his words and point to his actions to prove that his idiocy is of entirely +superior quality to that of his opponent--a view that he himself, +instructed by his discoverers, does and says all that he can to confirm. +His inarticulate mumblings are everywhere repeated as utterances of +profound wisdom, and the slaver that drools from his chin is carefully +collected and shown to the people, evoking the wildest enthusiasm of his +supporters. His opponents all this time are trying to blacken his +character by the foulest conceivable falsehoods, some even going so far as +to assert that he is not an idiot at all! It is generally agreed among +them that if he were chosen to office the most dreadful disasters would +ensue, and that, _therefore_, he will not be chosen. + +To this last mentioned conviction, namely that the opposing candidate +(_rehtot lacsar_) cannot possibly be chosen, I wish to devote a few words +here, for it seems to me one of the most extraordinary phenomena of the +human mind. It implies, of course, a profound belief in the wisdom of +majorities and the error of minorities. This belief can and does in some +mysterious way co-exist, in the Tamtonian understanding, with the deepest +disgust and most earnest disapproval of a decision which a majority has +made. It is of record, indeed, that one political _ytrap_ sustained no +fewer than six successive defeats without at all impairing its conviction +that the right side must win. In each recurring contest this ytrap was as +sure that it would succeed as it had been in all the preceding ones--and +sure _because_ it believed itself in the right! It has been held by some +native observers that this conviction is not actually entertained, but +only professed for the purpose of influencing the action of others; but +this is disproved by the fact that even after the contest is decided, +though the result is unknown--when nobody's action can have effect--the +leaders (ax-sharpeners) continue earnestly to "claim" this province and +that, up to the very last moment of uncertainty, and the common people +murder one another in the streets for the crime of doubting that the man +is chosen whom the assassin was pleased to prefer. When the majority of a +province has chosen one candidate and a majority of the nation another, +the mental situation of the worthy Tamtonian is not over-easy of +conception, but there can be no doubt that his faith in the wisdom of +majorities remains unshaken. + +One of the two antagonistic idiots having been chosen as ruler, it is +customary to speak of him as "the choice of the people," whereas it is +obvious that he is one of the few men, seldom exceeding two or three, whom +it is certainly known that nearly one-half the people regard as unfit for +the position. He is less certainly "the people's choice" than any other +man in the country excepting his unsuccessful opponents; for while it is +known that a large body of his countrymen did not want him, it cannot be +known how many of his supporters really preferred some other person, but +had no opportunity to make their preference effective. + +The Tamtonians are very proud of their form of government, which gives +them so much power in selecting their rulers. This power consists in the +privilege of choosing between two men whom but a few had a voice in +selecting from among many millions, any one of whom the rest might have +preferred to either. Yet every Tamtonian is as vain of possessing this +incalculably small influence as if he were a Warwick in making kings and a +Bismarck in using them. He gives himself as many airs and graces as would +be appropriate to the display of an honest pin-feather upon the +pope's-nose of a mooley peacock. + +Each congenital idiot whom the ax-grinders name for the office of +_Tnediserp_ has upon the "ticket" with him a dead man, who stands or falls +with his leader. There is no way of voting for the idiot without voting +for the corpse also, and _vice versa_. When one of these precious couples +has been chosen the idiot in due time enters upon the duties of his office +and the corpse is put into an ice-chest and carefully preserved from +decay. If the idiot should himself become a corpse he is buried at once +and the other body is then haled out of its ice to take his place. It is +propped up in the seat of authority and duly instated in power. This is +the signal for a general attack upon it. It is subjected to every kind of +sacrilegious indignity, vituperated as a usurper and an "accident," struck +with rotten eggs and dead cats, and undergoes the meanest +misrepresentation. Its attitude in the chair, its fallen jaw, glazed eyes +and degree of decomposition are caricatured and exaggerated out of all +reason. Yet such as it is it must be endured for the unexpired term for +which its predecessor was chosen. To guard against a possible interregnum, +however, a law has recently been passed providing that if it should tumble +out of the chair and be too rotten to set up again its clerks +(_seiraterces_) are eligible to its place in a stated order of succession. +Here we have the amazing anomaly of the rulers of a "free" people actually +appointing their potential successors!--a thing inexpressibly repugnant to +all our ideas of popular government, but apparently regarded in Tamtonia +as a matter of course. + +During the few months intervening between the ax-men's selection of +candidates and the people's choice between those selected (a period known +as the _laitnediserp ngiapmac_) the Tamtonian character is seen at its +worst. There is no infamy too great or too little for the partisans of the +various candidates to commit and accuse their opponents of committing. +While every one of them declares, and in his heart believes, that honest +arguments have greater weight than dishonest; that falsehood reacts on the +falsifier's cause; that appeals to passion and prejudice are as +ineffectual as dishonorable, few have the strength and sense to deny +themselves the luxury of all these methods and worse ones. The laws +against bribery, made by themselves, are set at naught and those of +civility and good breeding are forgotten. The best of friends quarrel and +openly insult one another. The women, who know almost as little of the +matters at issue as the men, take part in the abominable discussions; some +even encouraging the general demoralization by showing themselves at the +public meetings, sometimes actually putting themselves into uniform and +marching in procession with banners, music and torchlights. + +I feel that this last statement will be hardly understood without +explanation. Among the agencies employed by the Tamtonians to prove that +one set of candidates is better than another, or to show that one +political policy is more likely than another to promote the general +prosperity, a high place is accorded to colored rags, flames of fire, +noises made upon brass instruments, inarticulate shouts, explosions of +gunpowder and lines of men walking and riding through the streets in cheap +and tawdry costumes more or less alike. Vast sums of money are expended to +procure these strange evidences of the personal worth of candidates and +the political sanity of ideas. It is very much as if a man should paint +his nose pea-green and stand on his head to convince his neighbors that +his pigs are fed on acorns. Of course the money subscribed for these +various controversial devices is not all wasted; the greater part of it is +pocketed by the ax-grinders by whom it is solicited, and who have invented +the system. That they have invented it for their own benefit seems not to +have occurred to the dupes who pay for it. In the universal madness +everybody believes whatever monstrous and obvious falsehood is told by the +leaders of his own _ytrap_, and nobody listens for a moment to the +exposures of their rascality. Reason has flown shrieking from the scene; +Caution slumbers by the wayside with unbuttoned pocket. It is the +opportunity of thieves! + +With a view to abating somewhat the horrors of this recurring season of +depravity, it has been proposed by several wise and decent Tamtonians to +extend the term of office of the _Tnediserp_ to six years instead of five, +but the sharpeners of axes are too powerful to be overthrown. They have +made the people believe that if the man whom the country chooses to rule +it because it thinks him wise and good were permitted to rule it too long +it would be impossible to displace him in punishment for his folly and +wickedness. It is, indeed, far more likely that the term of office will be +reduced to four years than extended to six. The effect can be no less than +hideous! + +In Tamtonia there is a current popular saying dating from many centuries +back and running this way: "_Eht eciffo dluohs kees eht nam, ton eht nam +eht eciffo_"--which may be translated thus: "No citizen ought to try to +secure power for himself, but should be selected by others for his fitness +to exercise it." The sentiment which this wise and decent phrase expresses +has long ceased to have a place in the hearts of those who are +everlastingly repeating it, but with regard to the office of _Tnediserp_ +it has still a remnant of the vitality of habit. This, however, is fast +dying out, and a few years ago one of the congenital idiots who was a +candidate for the highest dignity boldly broke the inhibition and made +speeches to the people in advocacy of himself, all over the country. Even +more recently another has uttered his preferences in much the same way, +but with this difference: he did his speechmaking at his own home, the +ax-grinders in his interest rounding up audiences for him and herding them +before his door. One of the two corpses, too, was galvanized into a kind +of ghastly activity and became a talking automaton; but the other had been +too long dead. In a few years more the decent tradition that a man should +not blow his own horn will be obsolete in its application to the high +office, as it is to all the others, but the popular saying will lose none +of its currency for that. + +To the American mind nothing can be more shocking than the Tamtonian +practice of openly soliciting political preferment and even paying money +to assist in securing it. With us such immodesty would be taken as proof +of the offender's unfitness to exercise the power which he asks for, or +bear the dignity which, in soliciting it, he belittles. Yet no Tamtonian +ever refused to take the hand of a man guilty of such conduct, and there +have been instances of fathers giving these greedy vulgarians the hands of +their daughters in marriage and thereby assisting to perpetuate the +species. The kind of government given by men who go about begging for the +right to govern can be more easily imagined than endured. In short, I +cannot help thinking that when, unable longer to bear with patience the +evils entailed by the vices and follies of its inhabitants, I sailed away +from the accursed island of Tamtonia, I left behind me the most pestilent +race of rascals and ignoramuses to be found anywhere in the universe; and +I never can sufficiently thank the divine Power who spared me the +disadvantage and shame of being one of them, and cast my lot in this +favored land of goodness and right reason, the blessed abode of public +morality and private worth--of liberty, conscience and common sense. + +I was not, however, to reach it without further detention in barbarous +countries. After being at sea four days I was seized by my mutinous crew, +set ashore upon an island, and having been made insensible by a blow upon +the head was basely abandoned. + + +MAROONED ON UG + +When I regained my senses I found myself lying on the strand a short +remove from the margin of the sea. It was high noon and an insupportable +itching pervaded my entire frame, that being the effect of sunshine in +that country, as heat is in ours. Having observed that the discomfort was +abated by the passing of a light cloud between me and the sun, I dragged +myself with some difficulty to a clump of trees near by and found +permanent relief in their shade. As soon as I was comfortable enough to +examine my surroundings I saw that the trees were of metal, apparently +copper, with leaves of what resembled pure silver, but may have contained +alloy. Some of the trees bore burnished flowers shaped like bells, and in +a breeze the tinkling as they clashed together was exceedingly sweet. The +grass with which the open country was covered as far as I could see +amongst the patches of forest was of a bright scarlet hue, excepting along +the water-courses, where it was white. Lazily cropping it at some little +distance away, or lying in it, indolently chewing the cud and attended by +a man half-clad in skins and bearing a crook, was a flock of tigers. My +travels in New Jersey having made me proof against surprise, I +contemplated these several visible phenomena without emotion, and with a +merely expectant interest in what might be revealed by further +observation. + +The tigerherd having perceived me, now came striding forward, brandishing +his crook and shaking his fists with great vehemence, gestures which I +soon learned were, in that country, signs of amity and good-will. But +before knowing that fact I had risen to my feet and thrown myself into a +posture of defense, and as he approached I led for his head with my left, +following with a stiff right upon his solar plexus, which sent him rolling +on the grass in great pain. After learning something of the social customs +of the country I felt extreme mortification in recollecting this breach of +etiquette, and even to this day I cannot think upon it without a blush. + +Such was my first meeting with Jogogle-Zadester, Pastor-King of Ug, the +wisest and best of men. Later in our acquaintance, when I had for a long +time been an honored guest at his court, where a thousand fists were +ceremoniously shaken under my nose daily, he explained that my luke-warm +reception of his hospitable advances gave him, for the moment, an +unfavorable impression of my breeding and culture. + +The island of Ug, upon which I had been marooned, lies in the Southern +Hemisphere, but has neither latitude nor longitude. It has an area of +nearly seven hundred square _samtains_ and is peculiar in shape, its width +being considerably greater than its length. Politically it is a limited +monarchy, the right of succession to the throne being vested in the +sovereign's father, if he have one; if not in his grandfather, and so on +upward in the line of ascent. (As a matter of fact there has not within +historic times been a legitimate succession, even the great and good +Jogogle-Zadester being a usurper chosen by popular vote.) To assist him in +governing, the King is given a parliament, the Uggard word for which is +_gabagab_, but its usefulness is greatly circumscribed by the _Blubosh_, +or Constitution, which requires that every measure, in order to become a +law, shall have an affirmative majority of the actual members, yet forbids +any member to vote who has not a distinct pecuniary interest in the +result. I was once greatly amused by a spirited contest over a matter of +harbor improvement, each of two proposed harbors having its advocates. One +of these gentlemen, a most eloquent patriot, held the floor for hours in +advocacy of the port where he had an interest in a projected mill for +making dead kittens into cauliflower pickles; while other members were +being vigorously persuaded by one who at the other place had a clam ranch. +In a debate in the Uggard _gabagab_ no one can have a "standing" except a +party in interest; and as a consequence of this enlightened policy every +bill that is passed is found to be most intelligently adapted to its +purpose. + +The original intent of this requirement was that members having no +pecuniary interest in a proposed law at the time of its inception should +not embarrass the proceedings and pervert the result; but the inhibition +is now thought to be sufficiently observed by formal public acceptance of +a nominal bribe to vote one way or the other. It is of course understood +that behind the nominal bribe is commonly a more substantial one of which +there is no record. To an American accustomed to the incorrupt methods of +legislation in his own country the spectacle of every member of the Uggard +_gabagab_ qualifying himself to vote by marching up, each in his turn as +his name is called, to the proponent of the bill, or to its leading +antagonist, and solemnly receiving a _tonusi_ (the smallest coin of the +realm) is exceedingly novel. When I ventured to mention to the King my +lack of faith in the principle upon which this custom is founded, he +replied: + +"Heart of my soul, if you and your compatriots distrust the honesty and +intelligence of an interested motive why is it that in your own courts of +law, as you describe them, no private citizen can institute a civil action +to right the wrongs of anybody but himself?" + +I had nothing to say and the King proceeded: "And why is it that your +judges will listen to no argument from any one who has not acquired a +selfish concern in the matter?" + +"O, your Majesty," I answered with animation, "they listen to +attorneys-general, district attorneys and salaried officers of the law +generally, whose prosperity depends in no degree upon their success; who +prosecute none but those whom they believe to be guilty; who are careful +to present no false nor misleading testimony and argument; who are +solicitous that even the humblest accused person shall be accorded every +legal right and every advantage to which he is entitled; who, in brief, +are animated by the most humane sentiments and actuated by the purest and +most unselfish motives." + +The King's discomfiture was pitiful: he retired at once from the capital +and passed a whole year pasturing his flock of tigers in the solitudes +beyond the River of Wine. Seeing that I would henceforth be _persona non +grata_ at the palace, I sought obscurity in the writing and publication of +books. In this vocation I was greatly assisted by a few standard works +that had been put ashore with me in my sea-chest. + +The literature of Ug is copious and of high merit, but consists altogether +of fiction--mainly history, biography, theology and novels. Authors of +exceptional excellence receive from the state marks of signal esteem, +being appointed to the positions of laborers in the Department of Highways +and Cemeteries. Having been so fortunate as to win public favor and +attract official attention by my locally famous works, "The Decline and +Fall of the Roman Empire," "David Copperfield," "Pilgrim's Progress," and +"Ben Hur," I was myself that way distinguished and my future assured. +Unhappily, through ignorance of the duties and dignities of the position I +had the mischance to accept a gratuity for sweeping a street crossing and +was compelled to flee for my life. + +Disguising myself as a sailor I took service on a ship that sailed due +south into the unknown Sea. + +It is now many years since my marooning on Ug, but my recollection of the +country, its inhabitants and their wonderful manners and customs is +exceedingly vivid. Some small part of what most interested me I shall here +set down. + +The Uggards are, or fancy themselves, a warlike race: nowhere in those +distant seas are there any islanders so vain of their military power, the +consciousness of which they acquired chiefly by fighting one another. Many +years ago, however, they had a war with the people of another island +kingdom, called Wug. The Wuggards held dominion over a third island, +Scamadumclitchclitch, whose people had tried to throw off the yoke. In +order to subdue them--at least to tears--it was decided to deprive them of +garlic, the sole article of diet known to them and the Wuggards, and in +that country dug out of the ground like coal. So the Wuggards in the +rebellious island stopped up all the garlic mines, supplying their own +needs by purchase from foreign trading proas. Having few cowrie shells, +with which to purchase, the poor Scamadumclitchclitchians suffered a great +distress, which so touched the hearts of the compassionate Uggards--a most +humane and conscientious people--that they declared war against the +Wuggards and sent a fleet of proas to the relief of the sufferers. The +fleet established a strict blockade of every port in Scamadumclitchclitch, +and not a clove of garlic could enter the island. That compelled the +Wuggard army of occupation to reopen the mines for its own subsistence. + +All this was told to me by the great and good and wise Jogogle-Zadester, +King of Ug. + +"But, your Majesty," I said, "what became of the poor +Scamadumclitchclitchians?" + +"They all died," he answered with royal simplicity. + +"Then your Majesty's humane intervention," I said, "was not +entirely--well, fattening?" + +"The fortune of war," said the King, gravely, looking over my head to +signify that the interview was at an end; and I retired from the Presence +on hands and feet, as is the etiquette in that country. + +As soon as I was out of hearing I threw a stone in the direction of the +palace and said: "I never in my life heard of such a cold-blooded +scoundrel!" + +In conversation with the King's Prime Minister, the famous Grumsquutzy, I +asked him how it was that Ug, being a great military power, was apparently +without soldiers. + +"Sir," he replied, courteously shaking his fist under my nose in sign of +amity, "know that when Ug needs soldiers she enlists them. At the end of +the war they are put to death." + +"Visible embodiment of a great nation's wisdom," I said, "far be it from +me to doubt the expediency of that military method; but merely as a matter +of economy would it not be better to keep an army in time of peace than to +be compelled to create one in time of war?" + +"Ug is rich," he replied; "we do not have to consider matters of economy. +There is among our people a strong and instinctive distrust of a standing +army." + +"What are they afraid of," I asked--what do they fear that it will do?" + +"It is not what the army may do," answered the great man, "but what it may +prevent others from doing. You must know that we have in this land a thing +known as Industrial Discontent." + +"Ah, I see," I exclaimed, interrupting--"the industrial classes fear that +the army may destroy, or at least subdue, their discontent." + +The Prime Minister reflected profoundly, standing the while, in order that +he might assist his faculties by scratching himself, even as we, when +thinking, scratch our heads. + +"No," he said presently; "I don't think that is quite what they +apprehend--they and the writers and statesmen who speak for them. As I +said before, what is feared in a case of industrial discontent is the +army's preventive power. But I am myself uncertain what it is that these +good souls dislike to have the army prevent. I shall take the customary +means to learn." + +Having occasion on the next day to enter the great audience hall of the +palace I observed in gigantic letters running across the entire side +opposite the entrance this surprising inscription: + +"In a strike, what do you fear that the army will prevent which ought to +be done?" + +Facing the entrance sat Grumsquutzy, in his robes of office and surrounded +by an armed guard. At a little distance stood two great black slaves, each +bearing a scourge of thongs. All about them the floor was slippery with +blood. While I wondered at all this two policemen entered, having between +them one whom I recognized as a professional Friend of the People, a great +orator, keenly concerned for the interests of Labor. Shown the inscription +and unable or unwilling to answer, he was given over to the two blacks +and, being stripped to the skin, was beaten with the whips until he bled +copiously and his cries resounded through the palace. His ears were then +shorn away and he was thrown into the street. Another Friend of the People +was brought in, and treated in the same way; and the inquiry was +continued, day after day, until all had been interrogated. But Grumsquutzy +got no answer. + +A most extraordinary and interesting custom of the Uggards is called the +_Naganag_ and has existed, I was told, for centuries. Immediately after +every war, and before the returned army is put to death, the chieftains +who have held high command and their official head, the Minister of +National Displeasure, are conducted with much pomp to the public square of +Nabootka, the capital. Here all are stripped naked, deprived of their +sight with a hot iron and armed with a club each. They are then locked in +the square, which has an inclosing wall thirty _clowgebs_ high. A signal +is given and they begin to fight. At the end of three days the place is +entered and searched. If any of the dead bodies has an unbroken bone in it +the survivors are boiled in wine; if not they are smothered in butter. + +Upon the advantages of this custom--which surely has not its like in the +whole world--I could get little light. One public official told me its +purpose was "peace among the victorious"; another said it was "for +gratification of the military instinct in high places," though if that is +so one is disposed to ask "What was the war for?" The Prime Minister, +profoundly learned in all things else, could not enlighten me, and the +commander-in-chief in the Wuggard war could only tell me, while on his way +to the public square, that it was "to vindicate the truth of history." + +In all the wars in which Ug has engaged in historic times that with Wug +was the most destructive of life. Excepting among the comparatively few +troops that had the hygienic and preservative advantage of personal +collision with the enemy, the mortality was appalling. Regiments exposed +to the fatal conditions of camp life in their own country died like flies +in a frost. So pathetic were the pleas of the sufferers to be led against +the enemy and have a chance to live that none hearing them could forbear +to weep. Finally a considerable number of them went to the seat of war, +where they began an immediate attack upon a fortified city, for their +health; but the enemy's resistance was too brief materially to reduce the +death rate and the men were again in the hands of their officers. On their +return to Ug they were so few that the public executioners charged with +the duty of reducing the army to a peace footing were themselves made ill +by inactivity. + +As to the navy, the war with Wug having shown the Uggard sailors to be +immortal, their government knows not how to get rid of them, and remains a +great sea power in spite of itself. I ventured to suggest mustering out, +but neither the King nor any Minister of State was able to form a +conception of any method of reduction and retrenchment but that of the +public headsman. + +It is said--I do not know with how much truth--that the defeat of Wug was +made easy by a certain malicious prevision of the Wuggards themselves: +something of the nature of heroic self-sacrifice, the surrender of a +present advantage for a terrible revenge in the future. As an instance, +the commander of the fortified city already mentioned is reported to have +ordered his garrison to kill as few of their assailants as possible. + +"It is true," he explained to his subordinates, who favored a defense to +the death--"it is true this will lose us the place, but there are other +places; you have not thought of that." + +They had not thought of that. + +"It is true, too, that we shall be taken prisoners, but"--and he smiled +grimly--"we have fairly good appetites, and we must be fed. That will cost +something, I take it. But that is not the best of it. Look at that vast +host of our enemies--each one of them a future pensioner on a fool people. +If there is among us one man who would willingly deprive the Uggard +treasury of a single dependent--who would spare the Uggard pigs one +_gukwam_ of expense, let the traitor stand forth." + +No traitor stood forth, and in the ensuing battles the garrison, it is +said, fired only blank cartridges, and such of the assailants as were +killed incurred that mischance by falling over their own feet. + +It is estimated by Wuggard statisticians that in twenty years from the +close of the war the annual appropriation for pensions in Ug will amount +to no less than one hundred and sixty _gumdums_ to every enlisted man in +the kingdom. But they know not the Uggard customs of exterminating the +army. + + +THE DOG IN GANEGWAG + + +A about the end of the thirty-seventh month of our voyage due south from +Ug we sighted land, and although the coast appeared wild and inhospitable, +the captain decided to send a boat ashore in search of fresh water and +provisions, of which we were in sore need. I was of the boat's crew and +thought myself fortunate in being able to set foot again upon the earth. +There were seven others in the landing party, including the mate, who +commanded. + +Selecting a sheltered cove, which appeared to be at the mouth of a small +creek, we beached the boat, and leaving two men to guard it started inland +toward a grove of trees. Before we reached it an animal came out of it and +advanced confidently toward us, showing no signs of either fear or +hostility. It was a hideous creature, not altogether like anything that we +had ever seen, but on its close approach we recognized it as a dog, of an +unimaginably loathsome breed. As we were nearly famished one of the +sailors shot it for food. Instantly a great crowd of persons, who had +doubtless been watching us from among the trees, rushed upon us with +fierce exclamations and surrounded us, making the most threatening +gestures and brandishing unfamiliar weapons. Unable to resist such odds we +were seized, bound with cords and dragged into the forest almost before we +knew what had happened to us. Observing the nature of our reception the +ship's crew hastily weighed anchor and sailed away. We never again saw +them. + +Beyond the trees concealing it from the sea was a great city, and thither +we were taken. It was Gumammam, the capital of Ganegwag, whose people are +dog-worshipers. The fate of my companions I never learned, for although I +remained in the country for seven years, much of the time as a prisoner, +and learned to speak its language, no answer was ever given to my many +inquiries about my unfortunate friends. + +The Ganegwagians are an ancient race with a history covering a period of +ten thousand _supintroes_. In stature they are large, in color blue, with +crimson hair and yellow eyes. They live to a great age, sometimes as much +as twenty _supintroes_, their climate being so wholesome that even the +aged have to sail to a distant island in order to die. Whenever a +sufficient number of them reach what they call "the age of going away" +they embark on a government ship and in the midst of impressive public +rites and ceremonies set sail for "the Isle of the Happy Change." Of their +strange civilization, their laws, manners and customs, their copper +clothing and liquid houses I have written--at perhaps too great length--in +my famous book, "Ganegwag the Incredible." Here I shall confine myself to +their religion, certainly the most amazing form of superstition in the +world. + +Nowhere, it is believed, but in Ganegwag has so vile a creature as the dog +obtained general recognition as a deity. There this filthy beast is +considered so divine that it is freely admitted to the domestic circle and +cherished as an honored guest. Scarcely a family that is able to support a +dog is without one, and some have as many as a half-dozen. Indeed, the dog +is the special deity of the poor, those families having most that are +least able to maintain them. In some sections of the country, particularly +the southern and southwestern provinces, the number of dogs is estimated +to be greater than that of the children, as is the cost of their +maintenance. In families of the rich they are fewer in number, but more +sacredly cherished, especially by the female members, who lavish upon them +a wealth of affection not always granted to the husband and children, and +distinguish them with indescribable attentions and endearments. + +Nowhere is the dog compelled to make any other return for all this honor +and benefaction than a fawning and sycophantic demeanor toward those who +bestow them and an insulting and injurious attitude toward strangers who +have dogs of their own, and toward other dogs. In any considerable town of +the realm not a day passes but the public newsman relates in the most +matter-of-fact and unsympathetic way to his circle of listless auditors +painful instances of human beings, mostly women and children, bitten and +mangled by these ferocious animals without provocation. + +In addition to these ravages of the dog in his normal state are a vastly +greater number of outrages committed by the sacred animal in the fury of +insanity, for he has an hereditary tendency to madness, and in that state +his bite is incurable, the victim awaiting in the most horrible agony the +sailing of the next ship to the Isle of the Happy Change, his suffering +imperfectly medicined by expressions of public sympathy for the dog. + +A cynical citizen of Gumammam said to the writer of this narrative: "My +countrymen have three hundred kinds of dogs, and only one way to hang a +thief." Yet all the dogs are alike in this, that none is respectable. + +Withal, it must be said of this extraordinary people that their horrible +religion is free from the hollow forms and meaningless ceremonies in which +so many superstitions of the lower races find expression. It is a religion +of love, practical, undemonstrative, knowing nothing of pageantry and +spectacle. It is hidden in the lives and hearts of the people; a stranger +would hardly know of its existence as a distinct faith. Indeed, other +faiths and better ones (one of them having some resemblance to a debased +form of Christianity) co-exist with it, sometimes in the same mind. +Cynolatry is tolerant so long as the dog is not denied an equal divinity +with the deities of other faiths. Nevertheless, I could not think of the +people of Ganegwag without contempt and loathing; so it was with no small +joy that I sailed for the contiguous island of Ghargaroo to consult, +according to my custom, the renowned statesman and philosopher, +Juptka-Getch, who was accounted the wisest man in all the world, and held +in so high esteem that no one dared speak to him without the sovereign's +permission, countersigned by the Minister of Morals and Manners. + + +A CONFLAGRATION IN GHARGAROO + +Through the happy accident of having a mole on the left side of my nose, +as had also a cousin of the Prime Minister, I obtained a royal rescript +permitting me to speak to the great Juptka-Getch, and went humbly to his +dwelling, which, to my astonishment, I found to be an unfurnished cave in +the side of a mountain. Inexpressibly surprised to observe that a favorite +of the sovereign and the people was so meanly housed, I ventured, after my +salutation, to ask how this could be so. Regarding me with an indulgent +smile, the venerable man, who was about two hundred and fifty years old +and entirely bald, explained. + +"In one of our Sacred Books, of which we have three thousand," said he, +"it is written, '_Golooloo ek wakwah betenka_,' and in another, '_Jebeb uq +seedroy im aboltraqu ocrux ti smelkit_.'" + +Translated, these mean, respectively, "The poor are blessed," and, "Heaven +is not easily entered by those who are rich." + +I asked Juptka-Getch if his countrymen really gave to these texts a +practical application in the affairs of life. + +"Why, surely," he replied, "you cannot think us such fools as to disregard +the teachings of our gods! That would be madness. I cannot imagine a +people so mentally and morally depraved as that! Can you?" + +Observing me blushing and stammering, he inquired the cause of my +embarrassment. "The thought of so incredible a thing confuses me," I +managed to reply. "But tell me if in your piety and wisdom you really +stripped yourself of all your property in order to obey the gods and get +the benefit of indigence." + +"I did not have to do so," he replied with a smile; "my King attended to +that. When he wishes to distinguish one of his subjects by a mark of his +favor, he impoverishes him to such a degree as will attest the exact +measure of the royal approbation. I am proud to say that he took from me +all that I had." + +"But, pardon me," I said; "how does it occur that among a people which +regards poverty as the greatest earthly good all are not poor? I observe +here as much wealth and 'prosperity' as in my own country." + +Juptka-Getch smiled and after a few moments answered: "The only person in +this country that owns anything is the King; in the service of his people +he afflicts himself with that burden. All property, of whatsoever kind, is +his, to do with as he will. He divides it among his subjects in the ratio +of their demerit, as determined by the _waguks_--local officers--whose +duty it is to know personally every one in their jurisdiction. To the most +desperate and irreclaimable criminals is allotted the greatest wealth, +which is taken from them, little by little, as they show signs of +reformation." + +"But what," said I, "is to prevent the wicked from becoming poor at any +time? How can the King and his officers keep the unworthy, suffering the +punishment and peril of wealth, from giving it away?" + +"To whom, for example?" replied the illustrious man, taking the forefinger +of his right hand into his mouth, as is the fashion in Ghargaroo when +awaiting an important communication. The respectful formality of the +posture imperfectly concealed the irony of the question, but I was not of +the kind to be easily silenced. + +"One might convert one's property into money," I persisted, "and throw the +money into the sea." + +Juptka-Getch released the finger and gravely answered: "Every person in +Ghargaroo is compelled by law to keep minute accounts of his income and +expenditures, and must swear to them. There is an annual appraisement by +the _waguk_, and any needless decrease in the value of an estate is +punished by breaking the offender's legs. Expenditures for luxuries and +high living are, of course, approved, for it is universally known among +us, and attested by many popular proverbs, that the pleasures of the rich +are vain and disappointing. So they are considered a part of the +punishment, and not only allowed but required. A man sentenced to wealth +who lives frugally, indulging in only rational and inexpensive delights, +has his ears cut off for the first offense, and for the second is +compelled to pass six months at court, participating in all the gaieties, +extravagances and pleasures of the capital, and----" + +"Most illustrious of mortals," I said, turning a somersault--the +Ghargarese manner of interrupting a discourse without offense--"I am as +the dust upon your beard, but in my own country I am esteemed no fool, and +right humbly do I perceive that you are _ecxroptug nemk puttog peleemy_." + +This expression translates, literally, "giving me a fill," a phrase +without meaning in our tongue, but in Ghargarese it appears to imply +incredulity. + +"The gaieties of the King's court," I continued, "must be expensive. The +courtiers of the sovereign's entourage, the great officers of the +realm--surely they are not condemned to wealth, like common criminals!" + +"My son," said Juptka-Getch, tearing out a handful of his beard to signify +his tranquillity under accusation, "your doubt of my veracity is noted +with satisfaction, but it is not permitted to you to impeach my +sovereign's infallible knowledge of character. His courtiers, the great +officers of the realm, as you truly name them, are the richest men in the +country because he knows them to be the greatest rascals. After each +annual reapportionment of the national wealth he settles upon them the +unallotted surplus." + +Prostrating myself before the eminent philosopher, I craved his pardon for +my doubt of his sovereign's wisdom and consistency, and begged him to cut +off my head. + +"Nay," he said, "you have committed the unpardonable sin and I cannot +consent to bestow upon you the advantages of death. You shall continue to +live the thing that you are." + +"What!" I cried, remembering the Lalugwumps and Gnarmag-Zote, "is it +thought in Ghargaroo that death is an advantage, a blessing?" + +"Our Sacred Books," he said, "are full of texts affirming the vanity of +life." + +"Then," I said, "I infer that the death penalty is unknown to your laws!" + +"We have the life penalty instead. Convicted criminals are not only +enriched, as already explained, but by medical attendance kept alive as +long as possible. On the contrary, the very righteous, who have been +rewarded with poverty, are permitted to die whenever it pleases them. + +"Do not the Sacred Books of your country teach the vanity of life, the +blessedness of poverty and the wickedness of wealth?" + +"They do, O Most Illustrious, they do." + +"And your countrymen believe?" + +"Surely--none but the foolish and depraved entertain a doubt." + +"Then I waste my breath in expounding laws and customs already known to +you. You have, of course, the same." + +At this I averted my face and blushed so furiously that the walls of the +cave were illuminated with a wavering crimson like the light of a great +conflagration! Thinking that the capital city was ablaze, Juptka-Getch ran +from the cave's mouth, crying, "Fire, fire!" and I saw him no more. + + +AN EXECUTION IN BATRUGIA + +My next voyage was not so prosperous. By violent storms lasting seven +weeks, during which we saw neither the sun nor the stars, our ship was +driven so far out of its course that the captain had no knowledge of where +we were. At the end of that period we were blown ashore and wrecked on a +coast so wild and desolate that I had never seen anything so terrifying. +Through a manifest interposition of Divine Providence I was spared, though +all my companions perished miserably in the waves that had crushed the +ship among the rocks. + +As soon as I was sufficiently recovered from my fatigue and bruises, and +had rendered thanks to merciful Heaven for my deliverance, I set out for +the interior of the country, taking with me a cutlas for protection +against wild beasts and a bag of sea-biscuit for sustenance. I walked +vigorously, for the weather was then cool and pleasant, and after I had +gone a few miles from the inhospitable coast I found the country open and +level. The earth was covered with a thick growth of crimson grass, and at +wide intervals were groups of trees. These were very tall, their tops in +many instances invisible in a kind of golden mist, or haze, which proved +to be, not a transient phenomenon, but a permanent one, for never in that +country has the sun been seen, nor is there any night. The haze seems to +be self-luminous, giving a soft, yellow light, so diffused that shadows +are unknown. The land is abundantly supplied with pools and rivulets, +whose water is of a beautiful orange color and has a pleasing perfume +somewhat like attar of rose. I observed all this without surprise and with +little apprehension, and went forward, feeling that anything, however +novel and mysterious, was better than the familiar terrors of the sea and +the coast. + +After traveling a long time, though how long I had not the means to +determine, I arrived at the city of Momgamwo, the capital of the kingdom +of Batrugia, on the mainland of the Hidden Continent, where it is always +twelve o'clock. + +The Batrugians are of gigantic stature, but mild and friendly disposition. +They offered me no violence, seeming rather amused by my small stature. +One of them, who appeared to be a person of note and consequence, took me +to his house (their houses are but a single story in height and built of +brass blocks), set food before me, and by signs manifested the utmost good +will. A long time afterward, when I had learned the language of the +country, he explained that he had recognized me as an American pigmy, a +race of which he had some little knowledge through a letter from a +brother, who had been in my country. He showed me the letter, of which the +chief part is here presented in translation: + +"You ask me, my dear Tgnagogu, to relate my adventures among the +Americans, as they call themselves. My adventures were very brief, lasting +altogether not more than three _gumkas_, and most of the time was passed +in taking measures for my own safety. + +"My skyship, which had been driven for six moons before an irresistible +gale, passed over a great city just at daylight one morning, and rather +than continue the voyage with a lost reckoning I demanded that I be +permitted to disembark. My wish was respected, and my companions soared +away without me. Before night I had escaped from the city, by what means +you know, and with my remarkable experiences in returning to civilization +all Batrugia is familiar. The description of the strange city I have +reserved for you, by whom only could I hope to be believed. Nyork, as its +inhabitants call it, is a city of inconceivable extent--not less, I should +judge, than seven square _glepkeps_! Of the number of its inhabitants I +can only say that they are as the sands of the desert. They wear +clothing--of a hideous kind, 'tis true--speak an apparently copious though +harsh language, and seem to have a certain limited intelligence. They are +puny in stature, the tallest of them being hardly higher than my breast. + +"Nevertheless, Nyork is a city of giants. The magnitude of all things +artificial there is astounding! My dear Tgnagogu, words can give you no +conception of it. Many of the buildings, I assure you, are as many as +fifty _sprugas_ in height, and shelter five thousand persons each. And +these stupendous structures are so crowded together that to the spectator +in the narrow streets below they seem utterly devoid of design and +symmetry--mere monstrous aggregations of brick, stone and metal--mountains +of masonry, cliffs and crags of architecture hanging in the sky! + +"A city of giants inhabited by pigmies! For you must know, oh friend of my +liver, that the rearing of these mighty structures could not be the work +of the puny folk that swarm in ceaseless activity about their bases. These +fierce little savages invaded the island in numbers so overwhelming that +the giant builders had to flee before them. Some escaped across great +bridges which, with the help of their gods, they had suspended in the air +from bank to bank of a wide river parting the island from the mainland, +but many could do no better than mount some of the buildings that they had +reared, and there, in these inaccessible altitudes, they dwell to-day, +still piling stone upon stone. Whether they do this in obedience to their +instinct as builders, or in hope to escape by way of the heavens, I had +not the means to learn, being ignorant of the pigmy tongue and in +continual fear of the crowds that followed me. + +"You can see the giants toiling away up there in the sky, laying in place +the enormous beams and stones which none but they could handle. They look +no bigger than beetles, but you know that they are many _sprugas_ in +stature, and you shudder to think what would ensue if one should lose his +footing. Fancy that great bulk whirling down to earth from so dizzy an +altitude!... + +"May birds ever sing above your grave. + +"JOQUOLK WAK MGAPY." + +By my new friend, Tgnagogu, I was presented to the King, a most +enlightened monarch, who not only reigned over, but ruled absolutely, the +most highly civilized people in the world. He received me with gracious +hospitality, quartered me in the palace of his Prime Minister, gave me for +wives the three daughters of his Lord Chamberlain, and provided me with an +ample income from the public revenues. Within a year I had made a fair +acquaintance with the Batrugian language, and was appointed royal +interpreter, with a princely salary, although no one speaking any other +tongue, myself and two native professors of rhetoric excepted, had ever +been seen in the kingdom. + +One day I heard a great tumult in the street, and going to a window saw, +in a public square opposite, a crowd of persons surrounding some high +officials who were engaged in cutting off a man's head. Just before the +executioner delivered the fatal stroke, the victim was asked if he had +anything to say. He explained with earnestness that the deed for which he +was about to suffer had been inspired and commanded by a brass-headed cow +and four bushels of nightingales' eggs! + +"Hold! hold!" I shouted in Batrugian, leaping from the window and forcing +a way through the throng; "the man is obviously insane!" + +"Friend," said a man in a long blue robe, gently restraining me, "it is +not proper for you to interrupt these high proceedings with irrelevant +remarks. The luckless gentleman who, in accordance with my will as Lord +Chief Justice, has just had the happiness to part with his head was so +inconsiderate as to take the life of a fellow-subject." + +"But he was insane," I persisted, "clearly and indisputably _ptig nupy +uggydug_!"--a phrase imperfectly translatable, meaning, as near as may be, +having flitter-mice in his campanile. + +"Am I to infer," said the Lord Chief Justice, "that in your own honorable +country a person accused of murder is permitted to plead insanity as a +reason why he should not be put to death?" + +"Yes, illustrious one," I replied, respectfully, "we regard that as a good +defense." + +"Well," said he slowly, but with extreme emphasis, "I'll be _Gook +swottled_!" + +("_Gook_," I may explain, is the name of the Batrugian chief deity; but +for the verb "to swottle" the English tongue has no equivalent. It seems +to signify the deepest disapproval, and by a promise to be "_swottled_" a +Batrugian denotes acute astonishment.) + +"Surely," I said, "so wise and learned a person as you cannot think it +just to punish with death one who does not know right from wrong. The +gentleman who has just now renounced his future believed himself to have +been commanded to do what he did by a brass-headed cow and four bushels of +nightingales' eggs--powers to which he acknowledged a spiritual +allegiance. To have disobeyed would have been, from his point of view, an +infraction of a law higher than that of man." + +"Honorable but erring stranger," replied the famous jurist, "if we +permitted the prisoner in a murder trial to urge such a consideration as +that--if our laws recognized any other justification than that he believed +himself in peril of immediate death or great bodily injury--nearly all +assassins would make some such defense. They would plead insanity of some +kind and degree, and it would be almost impossible to establish their +guilt. Murder trials would be expensive and almost interminable, defiled +with perjury and sentiment. Juries would be deluded and confused, justice +baffled, and red-handed man-killers turned loose to repeat their crimes +and laugh at the law. Even as the law is, in a population of only one +hundred million we have had no fewer than three homicides in less than +twenty years! With such statutes and customs as yours we should have had +at least twice as many. Believe me, I know my people; they have not the +American respect for human life." + +As blushing is deemed in Batrugia a sign of pride, I turned my back upon +the speaker--an act which, fortunately, signifies a desire to hear more. + +"Law," he continued, "is for the good of the greatest number. Execution of +an actual lunatic now and then is not an evil to the community, nor, when +rightly considered, to the lunatic himself. He is better off when dead, +and society is profited by his removal. We are spared the cost of exposing +imposture, the humiliation of acquitting the guilty, the peril of their +freedom, the contagion of their evil example." + +"In my country," I said, "we have a saying to the effect that it is better +that ninety-nine guilty escape than that one innocent be punished." + +"It is better," said he, "for the ninety-nine guilty, but distinctly worse +for everybody else. Sir," he concluded with chilling austerity, "I infer +from their proverb that your countrymen are the most offensive blockheads +in existence." + +By way of refutation I mentioned the English, indignantly withdrew from +the country and set sail for Gokeetle-guk, or, as we should translate the +name, Trustland. + + +THE JUMJUM OF GOKEETLE-GUK + +Arriving at the capital of the country after many incredible adventures, I +was promptly arrested by the police and taken before the Jumjum. He was an +exceedingly affable person, and held office by appointment, "for life or +fitness," as their laws express it. With one necessary exception all +offices are appointive and the tenure of all except that is the same. The +Panjandrum, or, as we should call him, King, is elected for a term of ten +years, at the expiration of which he is shot. It is held that any man who +has been so long in high authority will have committed enough sins and +blunders to deserve death, even if none can be specifically proved. + +Brought into the presence of the Jumjum, who graciously saluted me, I was +seated on a beautiful rug and told in broken English by an interpreter who +had escaped from Kansas that I was at liberty to ask any questions that I +chose. + +"Your Highness," I said, addressing the Jumjum through the interpreting +Populist, "I fear that I do not understand; I expected, not to ask +questions, but to have to answer them. I am ready to give such an account +of myself as will satisfy you that I am an honest man--neither a criminal +nor a spy." + +"The gentleman seems to regard himself with a considerable interest," said +the Jumjum, aside to an officer of his suite--a remark which the +interpreter, with characteristic intelligence, duly repeated to me. Then +addressing me the Jumjum said: + +"Doubtless your personal character is an alluring topic, but it is +relevant to nothing in any proceedings that can be taken here. When a +foreigner arrives in our capital he is brought before me to be instructed +in whatever he may think it expedient for him to know of the manners, +customs, laws, and so forth, of the country that he honors with his +presence. It matters nothing to us what he is, but much to him what we +are. You are at liberty to inquire." + +I was for a moment overcome with emotion by so noble an example of +official civility and thoughtfulness, then, after a little reflection, I +said: "May it please your Highness, I should greatly like to be informed +of the origin of the name of your esteemed country." + +"Our country," said the Jumjum, acknowledging the compliment by a movement +of his ears, "is called Trustland because all its industries, trades and +professions are conducted by great aggregations of capital known as +'trusts.' They do the entire business of the country." + +"Good God!" I exclaimed; "what a terrible state of affairs that is! I know +about trusts. Why do your people not rise and throw off the yoke?" + +"You are pleased to be unintelligible," said the great man, with a smile. +"Would you mind explaining what you mean by 'the yoke'?" + +"I mean," said I, surprised by his ignorance of metaphor, but reflecting +that possibly the figures of rhetoric were not used in that country--"I +mean the oppression, the slavery under which your people groan, their +bond-age to the tyrannical trusts, entailing poverty, unrequited toil and +loss of self-respect." + +"Why, as to that," he replied, "our people are prosperous and happy. There +is very little poverty and what there is is obviously the result of vice +or improvidence. Our labor is light and all the necessaries of life, many +of the comforts and some of the luxuries are abundant and cheap. I hardly +know what you mean by the tyranny of the trusts; they do not seem to care +to be tyrannous, for each having the entire market for what it produces, +its prosperity is assured and there is none of the strife and competition +which, as I can imagine, might breed hardness and cruelty. Moreover, we +should not let them be tyrannous. Why should we?" + +"But, your Highness, suppose, for example, the trust that manufactures +safety pins should decide to double the price of its product. What is to +prevent great injury to the consumer?" + +"The courts. Having but one man--the responsible manager--to deal with, +protective legislation and its enforcement would be a very simple matter. +If there were a thousand manufacturers of safety pins, scattered all over +the country in as many jurisdictions, there would be no controlling them +at all. They would cheat, not only one another but the consumers, with +virtual immunity. But there is no disposition among our trusts to do any +such thing. Each has the whole market, as I said, and each has learned by +experience what the manager of a large business soon must learn, and what +the manager of a small one probably would not learn and could not afford +to apply if he knew it--namely, that low prices bring disproportionately +large sales and therefore profits. Prices in this country are never put up +except when some kind of scarcity increases the cost of production. +Besides, nearly all the consumers are a part of the trusts, the stock of +which is about the best kind of property for investment." + +"What!" I cried,--"do not the managers so manipulate the stock by +'watering' it and otherwise as to fool and cheat the small investors?" + +"We should not permit them. That would be dishonest." + +"So it is in my country," I replied, rather tartly, for I believed his +apparent _naïveté_ assumed for my confusion, "but we are unable to prevent +it." + +He looked at me somewhat compassionately, I thought. "Perhaps," he said, +"not enough of you really wish to prevent it. Perhaps your people +are--well, different from mine--not worse, you understand--just +different." + +I felt the blood go into my cheeks and hot words were upon my tongue's +end, but I restrained them; the conditions for a quarrel were not +favorable to my side of it. When I had mastered my chagrin and resentment +I said: + +"In my country when trusts are formed a great number of persons suffer, +whether the general consumer does or not--many small dealers, middle men, +drummers and general employees. The small dealer is driven out of the +business by underselling. The middle man is frequently ignored, the trust +dealing directly, or nearly so, with the consumer. The drummer is +discharged because, competition having disappeared, custom must come +without solicitation. Consolidation lets out swarms of employees of the +individual concerns consolidated, for it is nearly as easy to conduct one +large concern as a dozen smaller ones. These people get great sympathy +from the public and the newspapers and their case is obviously pitiable. +Was it not so in this country during the transition stage, and did not +these poor gentlemen have to"--the right words would not come; I hardly +knew how to finish. "Were they not compelled to go to work?" I finally +asked, rather humbly. + +The great official was silent for several minutes. Then he spoke. + +"I am not sure that I understand you about our transition state. So far as +our history goes matters with us have always been as they are to-day. To +suppose them to have been otherwise would be to impugn the common sense of +our ancestors. Nor do I quite know what you mean by 'small dealers,' +'middle men,' 'drummers,' and so forth." + +He paused and fell into meditation, when suddenly his face was suffused +with the light of a happy thought. It so elated him that he sprang to his +feet and with his staff of office broke the heads of his Chief Admonisher +of the Inimical and his Second Assistant Audible Sycophant. Then he said: + +"I think I comprehend. Some eighty-five years ago, soon after my induction +into office, there came to the court of the Panjandrum a man of this city +who had been cast upon the island of Chicago (which I believe belongs to +the American archipelago) and had passed many years there in business with +the natives. Having learned all their customs and business methods he +returned to his own country and laid before the Panjandrum a comprehensive +scheme of commercial reform. He and his scheme were referred to me, the +Panjandrum being graciously pleased to be unable to make head or tail of +it. I may best explain it in its application to a single industry--the +manufacture and sale of gootles." + +"What is a gootle?" I asked. + +"A metal weight for attachment to the tail of a donkey to keep him from +braying," was the answer. "It is known in this country that a donkey +cannot utter a note unless he can lift his tail. Then, as now, gootles +were made by a single concern having a great capital invested and an +immense plant, and employing an army of workmen. It dealt, as it does +to-day, directly with consumers. Afflicted with a sonant donkey a man +would write to the trust and receive his gootle by return mail, or go +personally to the factory and carry his purchase home on his +shoulder--according to where he lived. The reformer said this was +primitive, crude and injurious to the interests of the public and +especially the poor. He proposed that the members of the gootle trust +divide their capital and each member go into the business of making +gootles for himself--I do not mean for his personal use--in different +parts of the country. But none of them was to sell to consumers, but to +other men, who would sell in quantity to still other men, who would sell +single gootles for domestic use. Each manufacturer would of course require +a full complement of officers, clerks and so forth, as would the other +men--everybody but the consumer--and each would have to support them and +make a profit himself. Competition would be so sharp that solicitors would +have to be employed to make sales; and they too must have a living out of +the business. Honored stranger, am I right in my inference that the +proposed system has something in common with the one which obtains in your +own happy, enlightened and prosperous country, and which you would +approve?" + +I did not care to reply. + +"Of course," the Jumjum continued, "all this would greatly have enhanced +the cost of gootles, thereby lessening the sales, thereby reducing the +output, thereby throwing a number of workmen out of employment. You see +this, do you not, O guest of my country?" + +"Pray tell me," I said, "what became of the reformer who proposed all this +change?" + +"All this change? Why, sir, the one-thousandth part is not told: he +proposed that his system should be general: not only in the gootle trust, +but every trust in the country was to be broken up in the same way! When I +had him before me, and had stated my objections to the plan, I asked him +what were its advantages. + +"'Sir,' he replied, 'I speak for millions of gentlemen in uncongenial +employments, mostly manual and fatiguing. This would give them the kind of +activity that they would like--such as their class enjoys in other +countries where my system is in full flower, and where it is deemed so +sacred that any proposal for its abolition or simplification by trusts is +regarded with horror, especially by the working men.' + +"Having reported to the Panjandrum (whose vermiform appendix may good +angels have in charge) and received his orders, I called the reformer +before me and addressed him thus: + +"'Illustrious economist, I have the honor to inform you that in the royal +judgment your proposal is the most absurd, impudent and audacious ever +made; that the system which you propose to set up is revolutionary and +mischievous beyond the dreams of treason; that only in a nation of rogues +and idiots could it have a moment's toleration.' + +"He was about to reply, but cutting his throat to intimate that the +hearing was at an end, I withdrew from the Hall of Audience, as under +similar circumstances I am about to do now." + +I withdrew first by way of a window, and after a terrible journey of six +years in the Dolorous Mountains and on the Desert of Despair came to the +western coast. Here I built a ship and after a long voyage landed on one +of the islands constituting the Kingdom of Tortirra. + + +THE KINGDOM OF TORTIRRA + +Of this unknown country and its inhabitants I have written a large volume +which nothing but the obstinacy of publishers has kept from the world, and +which I trust will yet see the light. Naturally, I do not wish to publish +at this time anything that will sate public curiosity, and this brief +sketch will consist of such parts only of the work as I think can best be +presented in advance without abating interest in what is to follow when +Heaven shall have put it into the hearts of publishers to square their +conduct with their interests. I must, however, frankly confess that my +choice has been partly determined by other considerations. I offer here +those parts of my narrative which I conceive to be the least +credible--those which deal with the most monstrous and astounding follies +of a strange people. Their ceremony of marriage by decapitation; their +custom of facing to the rear when riding on horseback; their practice of +walking on their hands in all ceremonial processions; their selection of +the blind for military command; their pig-worship--these and many other +comparatively natural particulars of their religious, political, +intellectual and social life I reserve for treatment in the great work for +which I shall soon ask public favor and acceptance. + +In Tortirran politics, as in Tamtonian, the population is always divided +into two, and sometimes three or four "parties," each having a "policy" +and each conscientiously believing the policy of the other, or others, +erroneous and destructive. In so far as these various and varying policies +can be seen to have any relation whatever to practical affairs they can be +seen also to be the result of purely selfish considerations. The +self-deluded people flatter themselves that their elections are contests +of principles, whereas they are only struggles of interests. They are very +fond of the word _slagthrit_, "principle"; and when they believe +themselves acting from some high moral motive they are capable of almost +any monstrous injustice or stupid folly. This insane devotion to principle +is craftily fostered by their political leaders who invent captivating +phrases intended to confirm them in it; and these deluding aphorisms are +diligently repeated until all the people have them in memory, with no +knowledge of the fallacies which they conceal. One of these phrases is +"Principles, not men." In the last analysis this is seen to mean that it +is better to be governed by scoundrels professing one set of principles +than by good men holding another. That a scoundrel will govern badly, +regardless of the principles which he is supposed somehow to "represent," +is a truth which, however obvious to our own enlightened intelligence, has +never penetrated the dark understandings of the Tortirrans. It is chiefly +through the dominance of the heresy fostered by this popular phrase that +the political leaders are able to put base men into office to serve their +own nefarious ends. + +I have called the political contests of Tortirra struggles of interests. +In nothing is this more clear (to the looker-on at the game) than in the +endless disputes concerning restrictions on commerce. It must be +understood that lying many leagues to the southeast of Tortirra are other +groups of islands, also wholly unknown to people of our race. They are +known by the general name of _Gropilla-Stron_ (a term signifying "the Land +of the Day-dawn"), though it is impossible to ascertain why, and are +inhabited by a powerful and hardy race, many of whom I have met in the +capital of Tanga. The Stronagu, as they are called, are bold navigators +and traders, their proas making long and hazardous voyages in all the +adjacent seas to exchange commodities with other tribes. For many years +they were welcomed in Tortirra with great hospitality and their goods +eagerly purchased. They took back with them all manner of Tortirran +products and nobody thought of questioning the mutual advantages of the +exchange. But early in the present century a powerful Tortirran demagogue +named Pragam began to persuade the people that commerce was piracy--that +true prosperity consisted in consumption of domestic products and +abstention from foreign. This extraordinary heresy soon gathered such head +that Pragam was appointed Regent and invested with almost dictatorial +powers. He at once distributed nearly the whole army among the seaport +cities, and whenever a Stronagu trading proa attempted to land, the +soldiery, assisted by the populace, rushed down to the beach, and with a +terrible din of gongs and an insupportable discharge of stink-pots--the +only offensive weapon known to Tortirran warfare--drove the laden vessels +to sea, or if they persisted in anchoring destroyed them and smothered +their crews in mud. The Tortirrans themselves not being a sea-going +people, all communication between them and the rest of their little world +soon ceased. But with it ceased the prosperity of Tortirra. Deprived of a +market for their surplus products and compelled to forego the comforts and +luxuries which they had obtained from abroad, the people began to murmur +at the effect of their own folly. A reaction set in, a powerful opposition +to Pragam and his policy was organized, and he was driven from power. + +But the noxious tree that Pragam had planted in the fair garden of his +country's prosperity had struck root too deeply to be altogether +eradicated. It threw up shoots everywhere, and no sooner was one cut down +than from roots underrunning the whole domain of political thought others +sprang up with a vigorous and baleful growth. While the dictum that trade +is piracy no longer commands universal acceptance, a majority of the +populace still hold a modified form of it, and that "importation is theft" +is to-day a cardinal political "principle" of a vast body of Tortirra's +people. The chief expounders and protagonists of this doctrine are all +directly or indirectly engaged in making or growing such articles as were +formerly got by exchange with the Stronagu traders. The articles are +generally inferior in quality, but consumers, not having the benefit of +foreign competition, are compelled to pay extortionate prices for them, +thus maintaining the unscrupulous producers in needless industries and a +pernicious existence. But these active and intelligent rogues are too +powerful to be driven out. They persuade their followers, among whom are +many ignorant consumers, that this vestigial remnant of the old Pragam +policy is all that keeps the nation from being desolated by small-pox and +an epidemic of broken legs. It is impossible within these limits to give a +full history of the strange delusion whose origin I have related. It has +undergone many modifications and changes, as it is the nature of error to +do, but the present situation is about this. The trading proas of the +Stronagu are permitted to enter certain ports, but when one arrives she +must anchor at a little distance from shore. Here she is boarded by an +officer of the government, who ascertains the thickness of her keel, the +number of souls on board and the amount and character of the merchandise +she brings. From these data--the last being the main factor in the +problem--the officer computes her unworthiness and adjudges a suitable +penalty. The next day a scow manned by a certain number of soldiers pushes +out and anchors within easy throw of her, and there is a frightful beating +of gongs. When this has reached its lawful limit as to time it is hushed +and the soldiers throw a stated number of stink-pots on board the +offending craft. These, exploding as they strike, stifle the captain and +crew with an intolerable odor. In the case of a large proa having a cargo +of such commodities as the Tortirrans particularly need, this bombardment +is continued for hours. At its conclusion the vessel is permitted to land +and discharge her cargo without further molestation. Under these hard +conditions importers find it impossible to do much business, the +exorbitant wages demanded by seamen consuming most of the profit. No +restrictions are now placed on the export trade, and vessels arriving +empty are subjected to no penalties; but the Stronagu having other +markets, in which they can sell as well as buy, cannot afford to go empty +handed to Tortirra. + +It will be obvious to the reader that in all this no question of +"principle" is involved. A well-informed Tortirran's mental attitude with +regard to the matter may be calculated with unfailing accuracy from a +knowledge of his interests. If he produces anything which his countrymen +want, and which in the absence of all restriction they could get more +cheaply from the Stronagu than they can from him, he is in politics a +_Gakphew_, or "Stinkpotter"; if not he is what that party derisively calls +a _Shokerbom_, which signifies "Righteous Man"--for there is nothing which +the Gakphews hold in so holy detestation as righteousness. + +Nominally, Tortirra is an hereditary monarchy; virtually it is a +democracy, for under a peculiar law of succession there is seldom an +occupant of the throne, and all public affairs are conducted by a Supreme +Legislature sitting at Felduchia, the capital of Tanga, to which body each +island of the archipelago, twenty-nine in number, elects representatives +in proportion to its population, the total membership being nineteen +hundred and seventeen. Each island has a Subordinate Council for the +management of local affairs and a Head Chief charged with execution of the +laws. There is also a Great Court at Felduchia, whose function it is to +interpret the general laws of the Kingdom, passed by the Supreme Council, +and a Minor Great Court at the capital of each island, with corresponding +duties and powers. These powers are very loosely and vaguely defined, and +are the subject of endless controversy everywhere, and nowhere more than +in the courts themselves--such is the multiplicity of laws and so many are +the contradictory decisions upon them, every decision constituting what is +called a _lantrag_, or, as we might say, "precedent." The peculiarity of a +_lantrag_, or previous decision, is that it is, or is not, binding, at the +will of the honorable judge making a later one on a similar point. If he +wishes to decide in the same way he quotes the previous decision with all +the gravity that he would give to an exposition of the law itself; if not, +he either ignores it altogether, shows that it is not applicable to the +case under consideration (which, as the circumstances are never exactly +the same, he can always do), or substitutes a contradictory _lantrag_ and +fortifies himself with that. There is a precedent for any decision that a +judge may wish to make, but sometimes he is too indolent to search it out +and cite it. Frequently, when the letter and intent of the law under which +an action is brought are plainly hostile to the decision which it pleases +him to render, the judge finds it easier to look up an older law, with +which it is compatible, and which the later one, he says, does not repeal, +and to base his decision on that; and there is a law for everything, just +as there is a precedent. Failing to find, or not caring to look for, +either precedent or statute to sustain him, he can readily show that any +other decision than the one he has in will would be _tokoli impelly_; that +is to say, contrary to public morals, and this, too, is considered a +legitimate consideration, though on another occasion he may say, with +public assent and approval, that it is his duty, not to make the law +conform to justice, but to expound and enforce it as he finds it. In +short, such is the confusion of the law and the public conscience that the +courts of Tortirra do whatever they please, subject only to overruling by +higher courts in the exercise of _their_ pleasure; for great as is the +number of minor and major tribunals, a case originating in the lowest is +never really settled until it has gone through all the intermediate ones +and been passed upon by the highest, to which it might just as well have +been submitted at first. The evils of this astonishing system could not be +even baldly catalogued in a lifetime. They are infinite in number and +prodigious in magnitude. To the trained intelligence of the American +observer it is incomprehensible how any, even the most barbarous, nation +can endure them. + +An important function of the Great Court and the Minor Great Court is +passing upon the validity of all laws enacted by the Supreme Council and +the Subordinate Councils, respectively. The nation as a whole, as well as +each separate island, has a fundamental law called the _Trogodal_, or, as +we should say, the Constitution; and no law whatever that may be passed by +the Council is final and determinate until the appropriate court has +declared that it conforms to the Trogodal. Nevertheless every law is put +in force the moment it is perfected and before it is submitted to the +court. Indeed, not one in a thousand ever is submitted at all, that +depending upon the possibility of some individual objecting to its action +upon his personal interests, which few, indeed, can afford to do. It not +infrequently occurs that some law which has for years been rigorously +enforced, even by fines and imprisonment, and to which the whole +commercial and social life of the nation has adjusted itself with all its +vast property interests, is brought before the tribunal having final +jurisdiction in the matter and coolly declared no law at all. The +pernicious effect may be more easily imagined than related, but those who +by loyal obedience to the statute all those years have been injured in +property, those who are ruined by its erasure and those who may have +suffered the severest penalties for its violation are alike without +redress. It seems not to have occurred to the Tortirrans to require the +court to inspect the law and determine its validity before it is put in +force. It is, indeed, the traditional practice of these strange tribunals, +when a case is forced upon them, to decide, not as many points of law as +they can, but as few as they may; and this dishonest inaction is not only +tolerated but commended as the highest wisdom. The consequence is that +only those who make a profession of the law and live by it and find their +account in having it as little understood by others as is possible can +know which acts and parts of acts are in force and which are not. The +higher courts, too, have arrogated to themselves the power of declaring +unconstitutional even parts of the Constitution, frequently annulling most +important provisions of the very instrument creating them! + +A popular folly in Tortirra is the selection of representatives in the +Councils from among that class of men who live by the law, whose sole +income is derived from its uncertainties and perplexities. Obviously, it +is to the interest of these men to make laws which shall be uncertain and +perplexing--to confuse and darken legislation as much as they can. Yet in +nearly all the Councils these men are the most influential and active +element, and it is not uncommon to find them in a numerical majority. It +is evident that the only check upon their ill-doing lies in the certainty +of their disagreement as to the particular kind of confusion which they +may think it expedient to create. Some will wish to accomplish their +common object by one kind of verbal ambiguity, some by another; some by +laws clearly enough (to them) unconstitutional, others by contradictory +statutes, or statutes secretly repealing wholesome ones already existing. +A clear, simple and just code would deprive them of their means of +livelihood and compel them to seek some honest employment. + +So great are the uncertainties of the law in Tortirra that an eminent +judge once confessed to me that it was his conscientious belief that if +all cases were decided by the impartial arbitrament of the _do-tusis_ (a +process similar to our "throw of the dice") substantial justice would be +done far more frequently than under the present system; and there is +reason to believe that in many instances cases at law are so decided--but +only at the close of tedious and costly trials which have impoverished the +litigants and correspondingly enriched the lawyers. + +Of the interminable train of shames and brutalities entailed by this +pernicious system, I shall mention here only a single one--the sentencing +and punishment of an accused person in the midst of the proceedings +against him, and while his guilt is not finally and definitively +established. It frequently occurs that a man convicted of crime in one of +the lower courts is at once hurried off to prison while he has still the +right of appeal to a higher tribunal, and while that appeal is pending. +After months and sometimes years of punishment his case is reached in the +appellate court, his appeal found valid and a new trial granted, resulting +in his acquittal. He has been imprisoned for a crime of which he is +eventually declared not to have been properly convicted. But he has no +redress; he is simply set free to bear through all his after life the +stain of dishonor and nourish an ineffectual resentment. Imagine the storm +of popular indignation that would be evoked in America by an instance of +so foul injustice! + + * * * * * + +In the great public square of Itsami, the capital of Tortirra, stands a +golden statue of Estari-Kumpro, a famous judge of the Civil Court.[2] This +great man was celebrated throughout the kingdom for the wisdom and justice +of his decisions and the virtues of his private life. So profound were the +veneration in which he was held and the awe that his presence inspired, +that none of the advocates in his court ever ventured to address him +except in formal pleas: all motions, objections, and so forth, were +addressed to the clerk and by him disposed of without dissent: the silence +of the judge, who never was heard to utter a word, was understood as +sanctioning the acts of his subordinate. For thirty years, promptly at +sunrise, the great hall of justice was thrown open, disclosing the judge +seated on a loftly dais beneath a black canopy, partly in shadow, and +quite inaccessible. At sunset all proceedings for the day terminated, +everyone left the hall and the portal closed. The decisions of this august +and learned jurist were always read aloud by the clerk, and a copy +supplied to the counsel on each side. They were brief, clear and +remarkable, not only for their unimpeachable justice, but for their +conformity to the fundamental principles of law. Not one of them was ever +set aside, and during the last fifteen years of the great judge's service +no litigant ever took an appeal, although none ever ventured before that +infallible tribunal unless conscientiously persuaded that his cause was +just. + + [2] Klikat um Delu Ovwi. + +One day it happened during the progress of an important trial that a sharp +shock of earthquake occurred, throwing the whole assembly into confusion. +When order had been restored a cry of horror and dismay burst from the +multitude--the judge's head lay flattened upon the floor, a dozen feet +below the bench, and from the neck of the rapidly collapsing body, which +had pitched forward upon his desk, poured a thick stream of sawdust! For +thirty years that great and good man had been represented by a stuffed +manikin. For thirty years he had not entered his own court, nor heard a +word of evidence or argument. At the moment of the accident to his +simulacrum he was in his library at his home, writing his decision of the +case on trial, and was killed by a falling chandelier. It was afterward +learned that his clerk, twenty-five years dead, had all the time been +personated by a twin brother, who was an idiot from birth and knew no law. + + +HITHER + +Listening to the history of the golden statue in the great square, as +related by a Tortirran storyteller, I fell asleep. On waking I found +myself lying in a cot-bed amidst unfamiliar surroundings. A bandage was +fastened obliquely about my head, covering my left eye, in which was a +dull throbbing pain. Seeing an attendant near by I beckoned him to my +bedside and asked: "Where am I?" + +"Hospital," he replied, tersely but not unkindly. He added: "You have a +bad eye." "Yes," I said, "I always had; but I could name more than one +Tortirran who has a bad heart." + +"What is a Tortirran?" he asked. + + + + +FOR THE AKHOOND + + + + +FOR THE AHKOOND + + +In the year 4591 I accepted from his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond of +Citrusia a commission to explore the unknown region lying to the eastward +of the Ultimate Hills, the range which that learned archæologist, Simeon +Tucker, affirms to be identical with the "Rocky Mountains" of the +ancients. For this proof of his Majesty's favor I was indebted, doubtless, +to a certain distinction that I had been fortunate enough to acquire by +explorations in the heart of Darkest Europe. His Majesty kindly offered to +raise and equip a large expeditionary force to accompany me, and I was +given the widest discretion in the matter of outfit; I could draw upon the +royal treasury for any sum that I might require, and upon the royal +university for all the scientific apparatus and assistance necessary to my +purpose. Declining these encumbrances, I took my electric rifle and a +portable waterproof case containing a few simple instruments and writing +materials and set out. Among the instruments was, of course, an aerial +isochronophone which I set by the one in the Ahkoond's private dining-room +at the palace. His Majesty invariably dined alone at 18 o'clock, and sat +at table six hours: it was my intention to send him all my reports at the +hour of 23, just as dessert would be served, and he would be in a proper +frame of mind to appreciate my discoveries and my services to the crown. + +At 9 o'clock on the 13th of Meijh I left Sanf Rachisco and after a tedious +journey of nearly fifty minutes arrived at Bolosson, the eastern terminus +of the magnetic tube, on the summit of the Ultimate Hills. According to +Tucker this was anciently a station on the Central Peaceful Railway, and +was called "German," in honor of an illustrious dancing master. Prof. +Nupper, however, says it was the ancient Nevraska, the capital of Kikago, +and geographers generally have accepted that view. + +Finding nothing at Bolosson to interest me except a fine view of the +volcano Carlema, then in active eruption, I shouldered my electric rifle +and with my case of instruments strapped upon my back plunged at once into +the wilderness, down the eastern slope. As I descended the character of +the vegetation altered. The pines of the higher altitudes gave place to +oaks, these to ash, beech and maple. To these succeeded the tamarack and +such trees as affect a moist and marshy habitat; and finally, when for +four months I had been steadily descending, I found myself in a primeval +flora consisting mainly of giant ferns, some of them as much as twenty +_surindas_ in diameter. They grew upon the margins of vast stagnant lakes +which I was compelled to navigate by means of rude rafts made from their +trunks lashed together with vines. + +In the fauna of the region that I had traversed I had noted changes +corresponding to those in the flora. On the upper slope there was nothing +but the mountain sheep, but I passed successively through the habitats of +the bear, the deer and the horse. This last mentioned creature, which our +naturalists have believed long extinct, and which Dorbley declares our +ancestors domesticated, I found in vast numbers on high table lands +covered with grass upon which it feeds. The animal answers the current +description of the horse very nearly, but all that I saw were destitute of +the horns, and none had the characteristic forked tail. This member, on +the contrary, is a tassel of straight wiry hair, reaching nearly to the +ground--a surprising sight. Lower still I came upon the mastodon, the +lion, the tiger, hippopotamus and alligator, all differing very little +from those infesting Central Europe, as described in my "Travels in the +Forgotten Continent." + +In the lake region where I now found myself, the waters abounded with +ichthyosauri, and along the margins the iguanodon dragged his obscene bulk +in indolent immunity. Great flocks of pterodactyls, their bodies as large +as those of oxen and their necks enormously long, clamored and fought in +the air, the broad membranes of their wings making a singular musical +humming, unlike anything that I had ever heard. Between them and the +ichthyosauri there was incessant battle, and I was constantly reminded of +the ancient poet's splendid and original comparison of man to + + dragons of the prime + That tare each other in their slime. + +When brought down with my electric rifle and properly roasted, the +pterodactyl proved very good eating, particularly the pads of the toes. + +In urging my raft along the shore line of one of the stagnant lagoons one +day I was surprised to find a broad rock jutting out from the shore, its +upper surface some ten _coprets_ above the water. Disembarking, I ascended +it, and on examination recognized it as the remnant of an immense mountain +which at one time must have been 5,000 _coprets_ in height and doubtless +the dominating peak of a long range. From the striations all over it I +discovered that it had been worn away to its present trivial size by +glacial action. Opening my case of instruments, I took out my +petrochronologue and applied it to the worn and scratched surface of the +rock. The indicator at once pointed to K 59 xpc ½! At this astonishing +result I was nearly overcome by excitement: the last erosions of the +ice-masses upon this vestige of a stupendous mountain range which they had +worn away, had been made as recently as the year 1945! Hastily applying my +nymograph, I found that the name of this particular mountain at the time +when it began to be enveloped in the mass of ice moving down upon it from +the north, was "Pike's Peak." Other observations with other instruments +showed that at that time the country circumjacent to it had been inhabited +by a partly civilized race of people known as Galoots, the name of their +capital city being Denver. + +That evening at the hour of 23 I set up my aerial isochronophone[3] and +reported to his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond as follows: + + [3] This satire was published in the San Francisco _Examiner_ many + years before the invention of wireless telegraphy; so I retain + my own name for the instrument.--A.B. + +"_Sire:_ I have the honor to report that I have made a startling +discovery. The primeval region into which I have penetrated, as I informed +you yesterday--the ichthyosaurus belt--was peopled by tribes considerably +advanced in some of the arts almost within historic times: in 1920. They +were exterminated by a glacial period not exceeding one hundred and +twenty-five years in duration. Your Majesty can conceive the magnitude and +violence of the natural forces which overwhelmed their country with moving +sheets of ice not less that 5,000 _coprets_ in thickness, grinding down +every eminence, destroying (of course) all animal and vegetable life and +leaving the region a fathomless bog of detritus. Out of this vast sea of +mud Nature has had to evolve another creation, beginning _de novo_, with +her lowest forms. It has long been known, your Majesty, that the region +east of the Ultimate Hills, betwen them and the Wintry Sea, was once the +seat of an ancient civilization, some scraps and shreds of whose history, +arts and literature have been wafted to us across the gulf of time; but it +was reserved for your gracious Majesty, through me, your humble and +unworthy instrument, to ascertain the astonishing fact that these were a +pre-glacial people--that between them and us stands, as it were, a wall of +impenetrable ice. That all local records of this unfortunate race have +perished your Majesty needs not to be told: we can supplement our present +imperfect knowledge of them by instrumental observation only." + +To this message I received the following extraordinary reply: + +"All right--another bottle of--ice goes: push on--this cheese is +too--spare no effort to--hand me those nuts--learn all you can--damn you!" + +His most gracious Majesty was being served with dessert, and served badly. + +I now resolved to go directly north toward the source of the ice-flow and +investigate its cause, but examining my barometer found that I was more +than 8,000 _coprets_ below the sea-level; the moving ice had not only +ground down the face of the country, planing off the eminences and filling +the depressions, but its enormous weight had caused the earth's crust to +sag, and with the lessening of the weight from evaporation it had not +recovered. + +I had no desire to continue in this depression, as I should in going +north, for I should find nothing but lakes, marshes and ferneries, +infested with the same primitive and monstrous forms of life. So I +continued my course eastward and soon had the satisfaction to find myself +meeting the sluggish current of such streams as I encountered in my way. +By vigorous use of the new double-distance telepode, which enables the +wearer to step eighty _surindas_ instead of forty, as with the instrument +in popular use, I was soon again at a considerable elevation above the +sea-level and nearly 200 _prastams_ from "Pike's Peak." A little farther +along the water courses began to flow to the eastward. The flora and fauna +had again altered in character, and now began to grow sparse; the soil was +thin and arid, and in a week I found myself in a region absolutely +destitute of organic life and without a vestige of soil. All was barren +rock. The surface for hundreds of _prastams_, as I continued my advance, +was nearly level, with a slight dip to the eastward. The rock was +singularly striated, the scratches arranged concentrically and in +helicoidal curves. This circumstance puzzled me and I resolved to take +some more instrumental observations, bitterly regretting my improvidence +in not availing myself of the Ahkoond's permission to bring with me such +apparatus and assistants as would have given me knowledge vastly more +copious and accurate than I could acquire with my simple pocket +appliances. + +I need not here go into the details of my observations with such +instruments as I had, nor into the calculations of which these +observations were the basic data. Suffice it that after two months' labor +I reported the results to his Majesty in Sanf Rachisco in the words +following: + +"_Sire:_ It is my high privilege to apprise you of my arrival on the +western slope of a mighty depression running through the center of the +continent north and south, formerly known as the Mississippi Valley. It +was once the seat of a thriving and prosperous population known as the +Pukes, but is now a vast expanse of bare rock, from which every particle +of soil and everything movable, including people, animals and vegetation, +have been lifted by terrific cyclones and scattered afar, falling in other +lands and at sea in the form of what was called meteoric dust! I find that +these terrible phenomena began to occur about the year 1860, and lasted, +with increasing frequency and power, through a century, culminating about +the middle of that glacial period which saw the extinction of the Galoots +and their neighboring tribes. There was, of course, a close connection +between the two malefic phenomena, both, doubtless, being due to the same +cause, which I have been unable to trace. A cyclone, I venture to remind +your gracious Majesty, is a mighty whirlwind, accompanied by the most +startling meteorological phenomena, such as electrical disturbances, +floods of falling water, darkness and so forth. It moves with great speed, +sucking up everything and reducing it to powder. In many days' journey I +have not found a square _copret_ of the country that did not suffer a +visitation. If any human being escaped he must speedily have perished from +starvation. For some twenty centuries the Pukes have been an extinct race, +and their country a desolation in which no living thing can dwell, unless, +like me, it is supplied with Dr. Blobob's Condensed Life-pills." + +The Ahkoond replied that he was pleased to feel the most poignant grief +for the fate of the unfortunate Pukes, and if I should by chance find the +ancient king of the country I was to do my best to revive him with the +patent resuscitator and present him the assurances of his Majesty's +distinguished consideration; but as the politoscope showed that the nation +had been a republic I gave myself no trouble in the matter. + +My next report was made six months later and was in substance this: + +"_Sire:_ I address your Majesty from a point 430 _coprets_ vertically above +the site of the famous ancient city of Buffalo, once the capital of a +powerful nation called the Smugwumps. I can approach no nearer because of +the hardness of the snow, which is very firmly packed. For hundreds of +_prastams_ in every direction, and for thousands to the north and west, the +land is covered with this substance, which, as your Majesty is doubtless +aware, is extremely cold to the touch, but by application of sufficient +heat can be turned into water. It falls from the heavens, and is believed +by the learned among your Majesty's subjects to have a sidereal origin. + +"The Smugwumps were a hardy and intelligent race, but they entertained the +vain delusion that they could subdue Nature. Their year was divided into +two seasons--summer and winter, the former warm, the latter cold. About +the beginning of the nineteenth century according to my archæthermograph, +the summers began to grow shorter and hotter, the winters longer and +colder. At every point in their country, and every day in the year, when +they had not the hottest weather ever known in that place, they had the +coldest. When they were not dying by hundreds from sunstroke they were +dying by thousands from frost. But these heroic and devoted people +struggled on, believing that they were becoming acclimated faster than the +climate was becoming insupportable. Those called away on business were +even afflicted with nostalgia, and with a fatal infatuation returned to +grill or freeze, according to the season of their arrival. Finally there +was no summer at all, though the last flash of heat slew several millions +and set most of their cities afire, and winter reigned eternal. + +"The Smugwumps were now keenly sensible of the perils environing them, +and, abandoning their homes, endeavored to reach their kindred, the +Californians, on the western side of the continent in what is now your +Majesty's ever-blessed realm. But it was too late: the snow growing deeper +and deeper day by day, besieged them in their towns and dwellings, and +they were unable to escape. The last one of them perished about the year +1943, and may God have mercy on his fool soul!" + +To this dispatch the Ahkoond replied that it was the royal opinion that +the Smugwumps were served very well right. + +Some weeks later I reported thus: + +"_Sire:_ The country which your Majesty's munificence is enabling your +devoted servant to explore extends southward and southwestward from +Smugwumpia many hundreds of _prastams_, its eastern and southern borders +being the Wintry Sea and the Fiery Gulf, respectively. The population in +ancient times was composed of Whites and Blacks in about equal numbers and +of about equal moral worth--at least that is the record on the dial of my +ethnograph when set for the twentieth century and given a southern +exposure. The Whites were called Crackers and the Blacks known as Coons. + +"I find here none of the barrenness and desolation characterizing the land +of the ancient Pukes, and the climate is not so rigorous and thrilling as +that of the country of the late Smugwumps. It is, indeed, rather agreeable +in point of temperature, and the soil being fertile exceedingly, the whole +land is covered with a dense and rank vegetation. I have yet to find a +square _smig_ of it that is open ground, or one that is not the lair of +some savage beast, the haunt of some venomous reptile, or the roost of +some offensive bird. Crackers and Coons alike are long extinct, and these +are their successors. + +"Nothing could be more forbidding and unwholesome than these interminable +jungles, with their horrible wealth of organic life in its most +objectionable forms. By repeated observations with the necrohistoriograph +I find that the inhabitants of this country, who had always been more or +less dead, were wholly extirpated contemporaneously with the disastrous +events which swept away the Galoots, the Pukes and the Smugwumps. The +agency of their effacement was an endemic disorder known as yellow fever. +The ravages of this frightful disease were of frequent recurrence, every +point of the country being a center of infection; but in some seasons it +was worse than in others. Once in every half century at first, and +afterward every year[4] it broke out somewhere and swept over wide areas +with such fatal effect that there were not enough of the living to plunder +the dead; but at the first frost it would subside. During the ensuing two +or three months of immunity the stupid survivors returned to the infected +homes from which they had fled and were ready for the next outbreak. +Emigration would have saved them all, but although the Californians (over +whose happy and prosperous descendants your Majesty has the goodness to +reign) invited them again and again to their beautiful land, where +sickness and death were hardly known, they would not go, and by the year +1946 the last one of them, may it please your gracious Majesty, was dead +and damned." + + [4] At one time it was foolishly believed that the disease had been + eradicated by slapping the mosquitoes which were thought to + produce it; but a few years later it broke out with greater + violence than ever before, although the mosquitoes had left the + country. + +Having spoken this into the transmitter of the aerial isochronophone at +the usual hour of 23 o'clock I applied the receiver to my ear, confidently +expecting the customary commendation. Imagine my astonishment and dismay +when my master's well-remembered voice was heard in utterance of the most +awful imprecations on me and my work, followed by appalling threats +against my life! + +The Ahkoond had changed his dinner-time to five hours later and I had been +speaking into the ears of an empty stomach! + + + + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + + + + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + +(FROM A NEWSPAPER OF THE FAR FUTURE) + + +At the quiet little village of Smithcester, which certain archæologists +have professed to "identify" as the ancient London, will be celebrated +to-day the thirtieth centennial anniversary of the birth of this +remarkable man, the foremost figure of antiquity. The recurrence of what +no more than six centuries ago was a popular _fête_ day and even now is +seldom permitted to pass without recognition by those to whom liberty +means something more precious than opportunity for gain, excites a +peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or no tradition has correctly +fixed the time and place of Smith's birth. That he was born; that being +born he wrought nobly at the work that his hand found to do; that by the +mere force of his powerful intellect he established and perfected our +present benign form of government, under which civilization has attained +its highest and ripest development--these are facts beside which mere +questions of chronology and geography are trivial and without +significance. + +That this extraordinary man originated the Smithocratic form of government +is, perhaps, open to intelligent doubt; possibly it had a _de facto_ +existence in crude and uncertain shapes as early as the time of Edward +XVII,--an existence local, unorganized and intermittent. But that he +cleared it of its overlying errors and superstitions, gave it definite +form and shaped it into a coherent and practical scheme there is +unquestionable evidence in fragments of ancestral literature that have +come down to us, disfigured though they are with amazingly contradictory +statements regarding his birth, parentage and manner of life before he +strode out upon the political stage as the Liberator of Mankind. It is +said that Shakspar, a poet whose works had in their day a considerable +vogue, though it is difficult to say why, alludes to him as "the noblest +Roman of them all," our forefathers of the period being known as Romans or +Englishmen, indifferently. In the only authentic fragment of Shakspar +extant, however, this passage is not included. + +Smith's military power is amply attested in an ancient manuscript of +undoubted authenticity which has recently been translated from the +Siamese. It is an account of the water battle of Loo, by an eye-witness +whose name, unfortunately, has not reached us. It is stated that in this +famous engagement Smith overthrew the great Neapolitan general, whom he +captured and conveyed in chains to the island of Chickenhurst. + +In his "Political History of Europe" the late Professor Mimble has this +luminous sentence: "With the single exception of Ecuador there was no +European government that the Liberator did not transform into a pure +Smithocracy, and although some of them relapsed transiently into the +primitive forms, and others grew into extravagant and fanciful systems +begotten of the intellectual activity to which he had stirred the whole +world, yet so firmly did he establish the principle that in the +thirty-second century the civilized world had become, and has remained, +virtually Smithocratic." + +It may be noted here as a singular coincidence that the year which is +believed to have seen the birth of him who founded rational government +witnessed the death of him who perfected literature: Martin Farquhar +Tupper (after Smith the most noted name in history) starved to death in +the streets of London. Like that of Smith his origin is wrapped in +obscurity. No fewer than seven British cities claim the honor of his +nativity. Meager indeed is our knowledge of this only British bard whose +works have endured through thirty centuries. All that is certain is that +he was once arrested for deer-stealing; that, although blind, he fought a +duel with a person named Salmasius, for which he was thrown into Bedford +gaol, whence he escaped to the Tower of London; that the manuscript of his +"Proverbial Philosophy" was for many years hidden in a hollow oak tree, +where it was found by his grandmother, Ella Wheeler Tupper, who fled with +it to America and published many brilliant passages from it over her own +name. Had Smith and Tupper been contemporaries the iron deeds of the +former would doubtless have been recorded in the golden pages of the +latter, to the incalculable enrichment of Roman history. + +Strangely unimpressible indeed must be the mind which, looking backward +through the mists of the centuries upon the primitive race from which we +are believed to have sprung, can repress a feeling of sympathetic +interest. The names of John Smith and Martin Farquhar Tupper, blazoned +upon the page of that dim past and surrounded by the lesser names of +Shakspar, the first Neapolitan, Oliver Cornwell, that Mynheer Baloon who +was known as the Flying Dutchman, Julia Cæsar, commonly known as the +Serpent of the Nile--all these are richly suggestive. They call to mind +the odd custom of wearing "clothes"; the incredible error of Copernicus +and other wide and wild guesses of ancient "science"; the lost arts of +telegramy, steam locomotion, printing, and the tempering of iron. They set +us thinking of the zealous idolatry that led men on pious pilgrimages to +the accessible regions about the north pole and into the then savage +interior of Africa in search of the fountain of youth. They conjure up +visions of bloodthirsty "Emperors," tyrannical "Kings," vampire +"Presidents," and robber "Parliaments"--grotesque and horrible shapes in +terrible contrast with the serene and benign figures and features of our +modern Smithocracy. + +Let us to-day rejoice and give thanks to Bungoot that the old order of +things has passed forever away. Let us praise Him that our lot has been +cast in more wholesome days than those in which Smith wrought and Tupper +sang. And yet let us not forget whatever there was of good, if any, in the +pre-Smithian period, when men cherished quaint superstitions and rode on +the backs of beasts--when they settled questions of right and expediency +by counting noses--when cows were enslaved and women free--when science +had not dawned to chase away the shadows of imagination and the fear of +immortality--and when the cabalistic letters "A.D.," which from habit we +still affix to numerals designating the date, had perhaps a known +signification. It is indeed well to live in this golden age, under the +benign sway of that supreme and culminating product of Smithocracy, our +gracious sovereign, his Majesty John CLXXVIII. + + + + +BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY + + + + +ON A MOUNTAIN + +They say that the lumberman has looked upon the Cheat Mountain country and +seen that it is good, and I hear that some wealthy gentlemen have been +there and made a game preserve. There must be lumber and, I suppose, +sport, but some things one could wish were ordered otherwise. Looking back +upon it through the haze of near half a century, I see that region as a +veritable realm of enchantment; the Alleghanies as the Delectable +Mountains. I note again their dim, blue billows, ridge after ridge +interminable, beyond purple valleys full of sleep, "in which it seemed +always afternoon." Miles and miles away, where the lift of earth meets the +stoop of sky, I discern an imperfection in the tint, a faint graying of +the blue above the main range--the smoke of an enemy's camp. + +It was in the autumn of that "most immemorial year," the 1861st of our +Lord, and of our Heroic Age the first, that a small brigade of raw +troops--troops were all raw in those days--had been pushed in across the +Ohio border and after various vicissitudes of fortune and mismanagement +found itself, greatly to its own surprise, at Cheat Mountain Pass, holding +a road that ran from Nowhere to the southeast. Some of us had served +through the summer in the "three-months' regiments," which responded to +the President's first call for troops. We were regarded by the others with +profound respect as "old soldiers." (Our ages, if equalized, would, I +fancy, have given about twenty years to each man.) We gave ourselves, this +aristocracy of service, no end of military airs; some of us even going to +the extreme of keeping our jackets buttoned and our hair combed. We had +been in action, too; had shot off a Confederate leg at Philippi, "the +first battle of the war," and had lost as many as a dozen men at Laurel +Hill and Carrick's Ford, whither the enemy had fled in trying, Heaven +knows why, to get away from us. We now "brought to the task" of subduing +the Rebellion a patriotism which never for a moment doubted that a rebel +was a fiend accursed of God and the angels--one for whose extirpation by +force and arms each youth of us considered himself specially "raised up." + +It was a strange country. Nine in ten of us had never seen a mountain, nor +a hill as high as a church spire, until we had crossed the Ohio River. In +power upon the emotions nothing, I think, is comparable to a first sight +of mountains. To a member of a plains-tribe, born and reared on the flats +of Ohio or Indiana, a mountain region was a perpetual miracle. Space +seemed to have taken on a new dimension; areas to have not only length and +breadth, but thickness. + +Modern literature is full of evidence that our great grandfathers looked +upon mountains with aversion and horror. The poets of even the seventeenth +century never tire of damning them in good, set terms. If they had had the +unhappiness to read the opening lines of "The Pleasures of Hope," they +would assuredly have thought Master Campbell had gone funny and should be +shut up lest he do himself an injury. + +The flatlanders who invaded the Cheat Mountain country had been suckled in +another creed, and to them western Virginia--there was, as yet, no West +Virginia--was an enchanted land. How we reveled in its savage beauties! +With what pure delight we inhaled its fragrances of spruce and pine! How +we stared with something like awe at its clumps of laurel!--real laurel, +as we understood the matter, whose foliage had been once accounted +excellent for the heads of illustrious Romans and such--mayhap to reduce +the swelling. We carved its roots into fingerrings and pipes. We gathered +spruce-gum and sent it to our sweethearts in letters. We ascended every +hill within our picket-lines and called it a "peak." + +And, by the way, during those halcyon days (the halcyon was there, too, +chattering above every creek, as he is all over the world) we fought +another battle. It has not got into history, but it had a real objective +existence although by a felicitous afterthought called by us who were +defeated a "reconnaissance in force." Its short and simple annals are that +we marched a long way and lay down before a fortified camp of the enemy at +the farther edge of a valley. Our commander had the forethought to see +that we lay well out of range of the small-arms of the period. A +disadvantage of this arrangement was that the enemy was out of reach of us +as well, for our rifles were no better than his. Unfortunately--one might +almost say unfairly--he had a few pieces of artillery very well protected, +and with those he mauled us to the eminent satisfaction of his mind and +heart. So we parted from him in anger and returned to our own place, +leaving our dead--not many. + +Among them was a chap belonging to my company, named Abbott; it is not odd +that I recollect it, for there was something unusual in the manner of +Abbott's taking off. He was lying flat upon his stomach and was killed by +being struck in the side by a nearly spent cannon-shot that came rolling +in among us. The shot remained in him until removed. It was a solid +round-shot, evidently cast in some private foundry, whose proprietor, +setting the laws of thrift above those of ballistics, had put his +"imprint" upon it: it bore, in slightly sunken letters, the name "Abbott." +That is what I was told--I was not present. + +It was after this, when the nights had acquired a trick of biting and the +morning sun appeared to shiver with cold, that we moved up to the summit +of Cheat Mountain to guard the pass through which nobody wanted to go. +Here we slew the forest and builded us giant habitations (astride the road +from Nowhere to the southeast) commodious to lodge an army and fitly +loopholed for discomfiture of the adversary. The long logs that it was our +pride to cut and carry! The accuracy with which we laid them one upon +another, hewn to the line and bullet-proof! The Cyclopean doors that we +hung, with sliding bolts fit to be "the mast of some great admiral"! And +when we had "made the pile complete" some marplot of the Regular Army came +that way and chatted a few moments with our commander, and we made an +earthwork away off on one side of the road (leaving the other side to take +care of itself) and camped outside it in tents! But the Regular Army +fellow had not the heart to suggest the demolition of our Towers of Babel, +and the foundations remain to this day to attest the genius of the +American volunteer soldiery. + +We were the original game-preservers of the Cheat Mountain region, for +although we hunted in season and out of season over as wide an area as we +dared to cover we took less game, probably, than would have been taken by +a certain single hunter of disloyal views whom we scared away. There were +bear galore and deer in quantity, and many a winter day, in snow up to his +knees, did the writer of this pass in tracking bruin to his den, where, I +am bound to say, I commonly left him. I agreed with my lamented friend, +the late Robert Weeks, poet: + + Pursuit may be, it seems to me, + Perfect without possession. + +There can be no doubt that the wealthy sportsmen who have made a preserve +of the Cheat Mountain region will find plenty of game if it has not died +since 1861. We left it there. + +Yet hunting and idling were not the whole of life's programme up there on +that wild ridge with its shaggy pelt of spruce and firs, and in the +riparian lowlands that it parted. We had a bit of war now and again. There +was an occasional "affair of outposts"; sometimes a hazardous scout into +the enemy's country, ordered, I fear, more to keep up the appearance of +doing something than with a hope of accomplishing a military result. But +one day it was bruited about that a movement in force was to be made on +the enemy's position miles away, at the summit of the main ridge of the +Alleghanies--the camp whose faint blue smoke we had watched for weary +days. The movement was made, as was the fashion in those 'prentice days of +warfare, in two columns, which were to pounce upon the foeman from +opposite sides at the same moment. Led over unknown roads by untrusty +guides, encountering obstacles not foreseen--miles apart and without +communication, the two columns invariably failed to execute the movement +with requisite secrecy and precision. The enemy, in enjoyment of that +inestimable military advantage known in civilian speech as being +"surrounded," always beat the attacking columns one at a time or, turning +red-handed from the wreck of the first, frightened the other away. + +All one bright wintry day we marched down from our eyrie; all one bright +wintry night we climbed the great wooded ridge opposite. How romantic it +all was; the sunset valleys full of visible sleep; the glades suffused and +interpenetrated with moonlight; the long valley of the Greenbrier +stretching away to we knew not what silent cities; the river itself unseen +under its "astral body" of mist! Then there was the "spice of danger." + +Once we heard shots in front; then there was a long wait. As we trudged on +we passed something--some things--lying by the wayside. During another +wait we examined them, curiously lifting the blankets from their +yellow-clay faces. How repulsive they looked with their blood-smears, +their blank, staring eyes, their teeth uncovered by contraction of the +lips! The frost had begun already to whiten their deranged clothing. We +were as patriotic as ever, but we did not wish to be that way. For an hour +afterward the injunction of silence in the ranks was needless. + + * * * * * + +Repassing the spot the next day, a beaten, dispirited and exhausted force, +feeble from fatigue and savage from defeat, some of us had life enough +left, such as it was, to observe that these bodies had altered their +position. They appeared also to have thrown off some of their clothing, +which lay near by, in disorder. Their expression, too, had an added +blankness--they had no faces. + +As soon as the head of our straggling column had reached the spot a +desultory firing had begun. One might have thought the living paid honors +to the dead. No; the firing was a military execution; the condemned, a +herd of galloping swine. They had eaten our fallen, but--touching +magnanimity!--we did not eat theirs. + +The shooting of several kinds was very good in the Cheat Mountain country, +even in 1861. + + +WHAT I SAW OF SHILOH + +I + +This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a +soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier. + +The morning of Sunday, the sixth day of April, 1862, was bright and warm. +Reveille had been sounded rather late, for the troops, wearied with long +marching, were to have a day of rest. The men were idling about the embers +of their bivouac fires; some preparing breakfast, others looking +carelessly to the condition of their arms and accoutrements, against the +inevitable inspection; still others were chatting with indolent dogmatism +on that never-failing theme, the end and object of the campaign. Sentinels +paced up and down the confused front with a lounging freedom of mien and +stride that would not have been tolerated at another time. A few of them +limped unsoldierly in deference to blistered feet. At a little distance in +rear of the stacked arms were a few tents out of which frowsy-headed +officers occasionally peered, languidly calling to their servants to fetch +a basin of water, dust a coat or polish a scabbard. Trim young mounted +orderlies, bearing dispatches obviously unimportant, urged their lazy nags +by devious ways amongst the men, enduring with unconcern their +good-humored raillery, the penalty of superior station. Little negroes of +not very clearly defined status and function lolled on their stomachs, +kicking their long, bare heels in the sunshine, or slumbered peacefully, +unaware of the practical waggery prepared by white hands for their +undoing. + +Presently the flag hanging limp and lifeless at headquarters was seen to +lift itself spiritedly from the staff. At the same instant was heard a +dull, distant sound like the heavy breathing of some great animal below +the horizon. The flag had lifted its head to listen. There was a momentary +lull in the hum of the human swarm; then, as the flag drooped the hush +passed away. But there were some hundreds more men on their feet than +before; some thousands of hearts beating with a quicker pulse. + +Again the flag made a warning sign, and again the breeze bore to our ears +the long, deep sighing of iron lungs. The division, as if it had received +the sharp word of command, sprang to its feet, and stood in groups at +"attention." Even the little blacks got up. I have since seen similar +effects produced by earthquakes; I am not sure but the ground was +trembling then. The mess-cooks, wise in their generation, lifted the +steaming camp-kettles off the fire and stood by to cast out. The mounted +orderlies had somehow disappeared. Officers came ducking from beneath +their tents and gathered in groups. Headquarters had become a swarming +hive. + +The sound of the great guns now came in regular throbbings--the strong, +full pulse of the fever of battle. The flag flapped excitedly, shaking out +its blazonry of stars and stripes with a sort of fierce delight. Toward +the knot of officers in its shadow dashed from somewhere--he seemed to +have burst out of the ground in a cloud of dust--a mounted aide-de-camp, +and on the instant rose the sharp, clear notes of a bugle, caught up and +repeated, and passed on by other bugles, until the level reaches of brown +fields, the line of woods trending away to far hills, and the unseen +valleys beyond were "telling of the sound," the farther, fainter strains +half drowned in ringing cheers as the men ran to range themselves behind +the stacks of arms. For this call was not the wearisome "general" before +which the tents go down; it was the exhilarating "assembly," which goes to +the heart as wine and stirs the blood like the kisses of a beautiful +woman. Who that has heard it calling to him above the grumble of great +guns can forget the wild intoxication of its music? + +II + +The Confederate forces in Kentucky and Tennessee had suffered a series of +reverses, culminating in the loss of Nashville. The blow was severe: +immense quantities of war material had fallen to the victor, together with +all the important strategic points. General Johnston withdrew Beauregard's +army to Corinth, in northern Mississippi, where he hoped so to recruit and +equip it as to enable it to assume the offensive and retake the lost +territory. + +The town of Corinth was a wretched place--the capital of a swamp. It is a +two days' march west of the Tennessee River, which here and for a hundred +and fifty miles farther, to where it falls into the Ohio at Paducah, runs +nearly north. It is navigable to this point--that is to say, to Pittsburg +Landing, where Corinth got to it by a road worn through a thickly wooded +country seamed with ravines and bayous, rising nobody knows where and +running into the river under sylvan arches heavily draped with Spanish +moss. In some places they were obstructed by fallen trees. The Corinth +road was at certain seasons a branch of the Tennessee River. Its mouth was +Pittsburg Landing. Here in 1862 were some fields and a house or two; now +there are a national cemetery and other improvements. + +It was at Pittsburg Landing that Grant established his army, with a river +in his rear and two toy steamboats as a means of communication with the +east side, whither General Buell with thirty thousand men was moving from +Nashville to join him. The question has been asked, Why did General Grant +occupy the enemy's side of the river in the face of a superior force +before the arrival of Buell? Buell had a long way to come; perhaps Grant +was weary of waiting. Certainly Johnston was, for in the gray of the +morning of April 6th, when Buell's leading division was _en bivouac_ near +the little town of Savannah, eight or ten miles below, the Confederate +forces, having moved out of Corinth two days before, fell upon Grant's +advance brigades and destroyed them. Grant was at Savannah, but hastened +to the Landing in time to find his camps in the hands of the enemy and the +remnants of his beaten army cooped up with an impassable river at their +backs for moral support. I have related how the news of this affair came +to us at Savannah. It came on the wind--a messenger that does not bear +copious details. + +III + +On the side of the Tennessee River, over against Pittsburg Landing, are +some low bare hills, partly inclosed by a forest. In the dusk of the +evening of April 6 this open space, as seen from the other side of the +stream--whence, indeed, it was anxiously watched by thousands of eyes, to +many of which it grew dark long before the sun went down--would have +appeared to have been ruled in long, dark lines, with new lines being +constantly drawn across. These lines were the regiments of Buell's leading +division, which having moved up from Savannah through a country presenting +nothing but interminable swamps and pathless "bottom lands," with rank +overgrowths of jungle, was arriving at the scene of action breathless, +footsore and faint with hunger. It had been a terrible race; some +regiments had lost a third of their number from fatigue, the men dropping +from the ranks as if shot, and left to recover or die at their leisure. +Nor was the scene to which they had been invited likely to inspire the +moral confidence that medicines physical fatigue. True, the air was full +of thunder and the earth was trembling beneath their feet; and if there is +truth in the theory of the conversion of force, these men were storing up +energy from every shock that burst its waves upon their bodies. Perhaps +this theory may better than another explain the tremendous endurance of +men in battle. But the eyes reported only matter for despair. + +Before us ran the turbulent river, vexed with plunging shells and obscured +in spots by blue sheets of low-lying smoke. The two little steamers were +doing their duty well. They came over to us empty and went back crowded, +sitting very low in the water, apparently on the point of capsizing. The +farther edge of the water could not be seen; the boats came out of the +obscurity, took on their passengers and vanished in the darkness. But on +the heights above, the battle was burning brightly enough; a thousand +lights kindled and expired in every second of time. There were broad +flushings in the sky, against which the branches of the trees showed +black. Sudden flames burst out here and there, singly and in dozens. +Fleeting streaks of fire crossed over to us by way of welcome. These +expired in blinding flashes and fierce little rolls of smoke, attended +with the peculiar metallic ring of bursting shells, and followed by the +musical humming of the fragments as they struck into the ground on every +side, making us wince, but doing little harm. The air was full of noises. +To the right and the left the musketry rattled smartly and petulantly; +directly in front it sighed and growled. To the experienced ear this meant +that the death-line was an arc of which the river was the chord. There +were deep, shaking explosions and smart shocks; the whisper of stray +bullets and the hurtle of conical shells; the rush of round shot. There +were faint, desultory cheers, such as announce a momentary or partial +triumph. Occasionally, against the glare behind the trees, could be seen +moving black figures, singularly distinct but apparently no longer than a +thumb. They seemed to me ludicrously like the figures of demons in old +allegorical prints of hell. To destroy these and all their belongings the +enemy needed but another hour of daylight; the steamers in that case would +have been doing him fine service by bringing more fish to his net. Those +of us who had the good fortune to arrive late could then have eaten our +teeth in impotent rage. Nay, to make his victory sure it did not need that +the sun should pause in the heavens; one of the many random shots falling +into the river would have done the business had chance directed it into +the engine-room of a steamer. You can perhaps fancy the anxiety with which +we watched them leaping down. + +But we had two other allies besides the night. Just where the enemy had +pushed his right flank to the river was the mouth of a wide bayou, and +here two gunboats had taken station. They too were of the toy sort, plated +perhaps with railway metals, perhaps with boiler-iron. They staggered +under a heavy gun or two each. The bayou made an opening in the high bank +of the river. The bank was a parapet, behind which the gunboats crouched, +firing up the bayou as through an embrasure. The enemy was at this +disadvantage: he could not get at the gunboats, and he could advance only +by exposing his flank to their ponderous missiles, one of which would have +broken a half-mile of his bones and made nothing of it. Very annoying this +must have been--these twenty gunners beating back an army because a +sluggish creek had been pleased to fall into a river at one point rather +than another. Such is the part that accident may play in the game of war. + +As a spectacle this was rather fine. We could just discern the black +bodies of these boats, looking very much like turtles. But when they let +off their big guns there was a conflagration. The river shuddered in its +banks, and hurried on, bloody, wounded, terrified! Objects a mile away +sprang toward our eyes as a snake strikes at the face of its victim. The +report stung us to the brain, but we blessed it audibly. Then we could +hear the great shell tearing away through the air until the sound died out +in the distance; then, a surprisingly long time afterward, a dull, distant +explosion and a sudden silence of small-arms told their own tale. + +IV + +There was, I remember, no elephant on the boat that passed us across that +evening, nor, I think, any hippopotamus. These would have been out of +place. We had, however, a woman. Whether the baby was somewhere on board I +did not learn. She was a fine creature, this woman; somebody's wife. Her +mission, as she understood it, was to inspire the failing heart with +courage; and when she selected mine I felt less flattered by her +preference than astonished by her penetration. How did she learn? She +stood on the upper deck with the red blaze of battle bathing her beautiful +face, the twinkle of a thousand rifles mirrored in her eyes; and +displaying a small ivory-handled pistol, she told me in a sentence +punctuated by the thunder of great guns that if it came to the worst she +would do her duty like a man! I am proud to remember that I took off my +hat to this little fool. + +V + +Along the sheltered strip of beach between the river bank and the water +was a confused mass of humanity--several thousands of men. They were +mostly unarmed; many were wounded; some dead. All the camp-following +tribes were there; all the cowards; a few officers. Not one of them knew +where his regiment was, nor if he had a regiment. Many had not. These men +were defeated, beaten, cowed. They were deaf to duty and dead to shame. A +more demented crew never drifted to the rear of broken battalions. They +would have stood in their tracks and been shot down to a man by a +provost-marshal's guard, but they could not have been urged up that bank. +An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet +at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, +with never a flinching. + +Whenever a steamboat would land, this abominable mob had to be kept off +her with bayonets; when she pulled away, they sprang on her and were +pushed by scores into the water, where they were suffered to drown one +another in their own way. The men disembarking insulted them, shoved them, +struck them. In return they expressed their unholy delight in the +certainty of our destruction by the enemy. + +By the time my regiment had reached the plateau night had put an end to +the struggle. A sputter of rifles would break out now and then, followed +perhaps by a spiritless hurrah. Occasionally a shell from a far-away +battery would come pitching down somewhere near, with a whir crescendo, or +flit above our heads with a whisper like that made by the wings of a night +bird, to smother itself in the river. But there was no more fighting. The +gunboats, however, blazed away at set intervals all night long, just to +make the enemy uncomfortable and break him of his rest. + +For us there was no rest. Foot by foot we moved through the dusky fields, +we knew not whither. There were men all about us, but no camp-fires; to +have made a blaze would have been madness. The men were of strange +regiments; they mentioned the names of unknown generals. They gathered in +groups by the wayside, asking eagerly our numbers. They recounted the +depressing incidents of the day. A thoughtful officer shut their mouths +with a sharp word as he passed; a wise one coming after encouraged them to +repeat their doleful tale all along the line. + +Hidden in hollows and behind clumps of rank brambles were large tents, +dimly lighted with candles, but looking comfortable. The kind of comfort +they supplied was indicated by pairs of men entering and reappearing, +bearing litters; by low moans from within and by long rows of dead with +covered faces outside. These tents were constantly receiving the wounded, +yet were never full; they were continually ejecting the dead, yet were +never empty. It was as if the helpless had been carried in and murdered, +that they might not hamper those whose business it was to fall to-morrow. + +The night was now black-dark; as is usual after a battle, it had begun to +rain. Still we moved; we were being put into position by somebody. Inch by +inch we crept along, treading on one another's heels by way of keeping +together. Commands were passed along the line in whispers; more commonly +none were given. When the men had pressed so closely together that they +could advance no farther they stood stock-still, sheltering the locks of +their rifles with their ponchos. In this position many fell asleep. When +those in front suddenly stepped away those in the rear, roused by the +tramping, hastened after with such zeal that the line was soon choked +again. Evidently the head of the division was being piloted at a snail's +pace by some one who did not feel sure of his ground. Very often we struck +our feet against the dead; more frequently against those who still had +spirit enough to resent it with a moan. These were lifted carefully to one +side and abandoned. Some had sense enough to ask in their weak way for +water. Absurd! Their clothes were soaken, their hair dank; their white +faces, dimly discernible, were clammy and cold. Besides, none of us had +any water. There was plenty coming, though, for before midnight a +thunderstorm broke upon us with great violence. The rain, which had for +hours been a dull drizzle, fell with a copiousness that stifled us; we +moved in running water up to our ankles. Happily, we were in a forest of +great trees heavily "decorated" with Spanish moss, or with an enemy +standing to his guns the disclosures of the lightning might have been +inconvenient. As it was, the incessant blaze enabled us to consult our +watches and encouraged us by displaying our numbers; our black, sinuous +line, creeping like a giant serpent beneath the trees, was apparently +interminable. I am almost ashamed to say how sweet I found the +companionship of those coarse men. + +So the long night wore away, and as the glimmer of morning crept in +through the forest we found ourselves in a more open country. But where? +Not a sign of battle was here. The trees were neither splintered nor +scarred, the underbrush was unmown, the ground had no footprints but our +own. It was as if we had broken into glades sacred to eternal silence. I +should not have been surprised to see sleek leopards come fawning about +our feet, and milk-white deer confront us with human eyes. + +A few inaudible commands from an invisible leader had placed us in order +of battle. But where was the enemy? Where, too, were the riddled regiments +that we had come to save? Had our other divisions arrived during the night +and passed the river to assist us? or were we to oppose our paltry five +thousand breasts to an army flushed with victory? What protected our +right? Who lay upon our left? Was there really anything in our front? + +There came, borne to us on the raw morning air, the long, weird note of a +bugle. It was directly before us. It rose with a low, clear, deliberate +warble, and seemed to float in the gray sky like the note of a lark. The +bugle calls of the Federal and the Confederate armies were the same: it +was the "assembly"! As it died away I observed that the atmosphere had +suffered a change; despite the equilibrium established by the storm, it +was electric. Wings were growing on blistered feet. Bruised muscles and +jolted bones, shoulders pounded by the cruel knapsack, eyelids leaden from +lack of sleep--all were pervaded by the subtle fluid, all were unconscious +of their clay. The men thrust forward their heads, expanded their eyes and +clenched their teeth. They breathed hard, as if throttled by tugging at +the leash. If you had laid your hand in the beard or hair of one of these +men it would have crackled and shot sparks. + +VI + +I suppose the country lying between Corinth and Pittsburg Landing could +boast a few inhabitants other than alligators. What manner of people they +were it is impossible to say, inasmuch as the fighting dispersed, or +possibly exterminated them; perhaps in merely classing them as non-saurian +I shall describe them with sufficient particularity and at the same time +avert from myself the natural suspicion attaching to a writer who points +out to persons who do not know him the peculiarities of persons whom he +does not know. One thing, however, I hope I may without offense affirm of +these swamp-dwellers--they were pious. To what deity their veneration was +given--whether, like the Egyptians, they worshiped the crocodile, or, like +other Americans, adored themselves, I do not presume to guess. But +whoever, or whatever, may have been the divinity whose ends they shaped, +unto Him, or It, they had builded a temple. This humble edifice, centrally +situated in the heart of a solitude, and conveniently accessible to the +supersylvan crow, had been christened Shiloh Chapel, whence the name of +the battle. The fact of a Christian church--assuming it to have been a +Christian church--giving name to a wholesale cutting of Christian throats +by Christian hands need not be dwelt on here; the frequency of its +recurrence in the history of our species has somewhat abated the moral +interest that would otherwise attach to it. + +VII + +Owing to the darkness, the storm and the absence of a road, it had been +impossible to move the artillery from the open ground about the Landing. +The privation was much greater in a moral than in a material sense. The +infantry soldier feels a confidence in this cumbrous arm quite unwarranted +by its actual achievements in thinning out the opposition. There is +something that inspires confidence in the way a gun dashes up to the +front, shoving fifty or a hundred men to one side as if it said, "_Permit +me!_" Then it squares its shoulders, calmly dislocates a joint in its +back, sends away its twenty-four legs and settles down with a quiet +rattle which says as plainly as possible, "I've come to stay." There is a +superb scorn in its grimly defiant attitude, with its nose in the air; it +appears not so much to threaten the enemy as deride him. + +Our batteries were probably toiling after us somewhere; we could only hope +the enemy might delay his attack until they should arrive. "He may delay +his defense if he like," said a sententious young officer to whom I had +imparted this natural wish. He had read the signs aright; the words were +hardly spoken when a group of staff officers about the brigade commander +shot away in divergent lines as if scattered by a whirlwind, and galloping +each to the commander of a regiment gave the word. There was a momentary +confusion of tongues, a thin line of skirmishers detached itself from the +compact front and pushed forward, followed by its diminutive reserves of +half a company each--one of which platoons it was my fortune to command. +When the straggling line of skirmishers had swept four or five hundred +yards ahead, "See," said one of my comrades, "she moves!" She did indeed, +and in fine style, her front as straight as a string, her reserve +regiments in columns doubled on the center, following in true +subordination; no braying of brass to apprise the enemy, no fifing and +drumming to amuse him; no ostentation of gaudy flags; no nonsense. This +was a matter of business. + +In a few moments we had passed out of the singular oasis that had so +marvelously escaped the desolation of battle, and now the evidences of the +previous day's struggle were present in profusion. The ground was +tolerably level here, the forest less dense, mostly clear of undergrowth, +and occasionally opening out into small natural meadows. Here and there +were small pools--mere discs of rainwater with a tinge of blood. Riven and +torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of +splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those +below. Large branches had been lopped, and hung their green heads to the +ground, or swung critically in their netting of vines, as in a hammock. +Many had been cut clean off and their masses of foliage seriously impeded +the progress of the troops. The bark of these trees, from the root upward +to a height of ten or twenty feet, was so thickly pierced with bullets and +grape that one could not have laid a hand on it without covering several +punctures. None had escaped. How the human body survives a storm like this +must be explained by the fact that it is exposed to it but a few moments +at a time, whereas these grand old trees had had no one to take their +places, from the rising to the going down of the sun. Angular bits of +iron, concavo-convex, sticking in the sides of muddy depressions, showed +where shells had exploded in their furrows. Knapsacks, canteens, +haversacks distended with soaken and swollen biscuits, gaping to disgorge, +blankets beaten into the soil by the rain, rifles with bent barrels or +splintered stocks, waist-belts, hats and the omnipresent sardine-box--all +the wretched debris of the battle still littered the spongy earth as far +as one could see, in every direction. Dead horses were everywhere; a few +disabled caissons, or limbers, reclining on one elbow, as it were; +ammunition wagons standing disconsolate behind four or six sprawling +mules. Men? There were men enough; all dead, apparently, except one, who +lay near where I had halted my platoon to await the slower movement of the +line--a Federal sergeant, variously hurt, who had been a fine giant in his +time. He lay face upward, taking in his breath in convulsive, rattling +snorts, and blowing it out in sputters of froth which crawled creamily +down his cheeks, piling itself alongside his neck and ears. A bullet had +clipped a groove in his skull, above the temple; from this the brain +protruded in bosses, dropping off in flakes and strings. I had not +previously known one could get on, even in this unsatisfactory fashion, +with so little brain. One of my men, whom I knew for a womanish fellow, +asked if he should put his bayonet through him. Inexpressibly shocked by +the cold-blooded proposal, I told him I thought not; it was unusual, and +too many were looking. + +VIII + +It was plain that the enemy had retreated to Corinth. The arrival of our +fresh troops and their successful passage of the river had disheartened +him. Three or four of his gray cavalry videttes moving amongst the trees +on the crest of a hill in our front, and galloping out of sight at the +crack of our skirmishers' rifles, confirmed us in the belief; an army face +to face with its enemy does not employ cavalry to watch its front. True, +they might be a general and his staff. Crowning this rise we found a level +field, a quarter of a mile in width; beyond it a gentle acclivity, covered +with an undergrowth of young oaks, impervious to sight. We pushed on into +the open, but the division halted at the edge. Having orders to conform to +its movements, we halted too; but that did not suit; we received an +intimation to proceed. I had performed this sort of service before, and in +the exercise of my discretion deployed my platoon, pushing it forward at a +run, with trailed arms, to strengthen the skirmish line, which I overtook +some thirty or forty yards from the wood. Then--I can't describe it--the +forest seemed all at once to flame up and disappear with a crash like that +of a great wave upon the beach--a crash that expired in hot hissings, and +the sickening "spat" of lead against flesh. A dozen of my brave fellows +tumbled over like ten-pins. Some struggled to their feet, only to go down +again, and yet again. Those who stood fired into the smoking brush and +doggedly retired. We had expected to find, at most, a line of skirmishers +similar to our own; it was with a view to overcoming them by a sudden +_coup_ at the moment of collision that I had thrown forward my little +reserve. What we had found was a line of battle, coolly holding its fire +till it could count our teeth. There was no more to be done but get back +across the open ground, every superficial yard of which was throwing up +its little jet of mud provoked by an impinging bullet. We got back, most +of us, and I shall never forget the ludicrous incident of a young officer +who had taken part in the affair walking up to his colonel, who had been a +calm and apparently impartial spectator, and gravely reporting: "The enemy +is in force just beyond this field, sir." + +IX + +In subordination to the design of this narrative, as defined by its title, +the incidents related necessarily group themselves about my own +personality as a center; and, as this center, during the few terrible +hours of the engagement, maintained a variably constant relation to the +open field already mentioned, it is important that the reader should bear +in mind the topographical and tactical features of the local situation. +The hither side of the field was occupied by the front of my brigade--a +length of two regiments in line, with proper intervals for field +batteries. During the entire fight the enemy held the slight wooded +acclivity beyond. The debatable ground to the right and left of the open +was broken and thickly wooded for miles, in some places quite inaccessible +to artillery and at very few points offering opportunities for its +successful employment. As a consequence of this the two sides of the field +were soon studded thickly with confronting guns, which flamed away at one +another with amazing zeal and rather startling effect. Of course, an +infantry attack delivered from either side was not to be thought of when +the covered flanks offered inducements so unquestionably superior; and I +believe the riddled bodies of my poor skirmishers were the only ones left +on this "neutral ground" that day. But there was a very pretty line of +dead continually growing in our rear, and doubtless the enemy had at his +back a similar encouragement. + +The configuration of the ground offered us no protection. By lying flat on +our faces between the guns we were screened from view by a straggling row +of brambles, which marked the course of an obsolete fence; but the enemy's +grape was sharper than his eyes, and it was poor consolation to know that +his gunners could not see what they were doing, so long as they did it. +The shock of our own pieces nearly deafened us, but in the brief intervals +we could hear the battle roaring and stammering in the dark reaches of the +forest to the right and left, where our other divisions were dashing +themselves again and again into the smoking jungle. What would we not have +given to join them in their brave, hopeless task! But to lie inglorious +beneath showers of shrapnel darting divergent from the unassailable +sky--meekly to be blown out of life by level gusts of grape--to clench our +teeth and shrink helpless before big shot pushing noisily through the +consenting air--this was horrible! "Lie down, there!" a captain would +shout, and then get up himself to see that his order was obeyed. "Captain, +take cover, sir!" the lieutenant-colonel would shriek, pacing up and down +in the most exposed position that he could find. + +O those cursed guns!--not the enemy's, but our own. Had it not been for +them, we might have died like men. They must be supported, forsooth, the +feeble, boasting bullies! It was impossible to conceive that these pieces +were doing the enemy as excellent a mischief as his were doing us; they +seemed to raise their "cloud by day" solely to direct aright the streaming +procession of Confederate missiles. They no longer inspired confidence, +but begot apprehension; and it was with grim satisfaction that I saw the +carriage of one and another smashed into matchwood by a whooping shot and +bundled out of the line. + +X + +The dense forests wholly or partly in which were fought so many battles of +the Civil War, lay upon the earth in each autumn a thick deposit of dead +leaves and stems, the decay of which forms a soil of surprising depth and +richness. In dry weather the upper stratum is as inflammable as tinder. A +fire once kindled in it will spread with a slow, persistent advance as far +as local conditions permit, leaving a bed of light ashes beneath which the +less combustible accretions of previous years will smolder until +extinguished by rains. In many of the engagements of the war the fallen +leaves took fire and roasted the fallen men. At Shiloh, during the first +day's fighting, wide tracts of woodland were burned over in this way and +scores of wounded who might have recovered perished in slow torture. I +remember a deep ravine a little to the left and rear of the field I have +described, in which, by some mad freak of heroic incompetence, a part of +an Illinois regiment had been surrounded, and refusing to surrender was +destroyed, as it very well deserved. My regiment having at last been +relieved at the guns and moved over to the heights above this ravine for +no obvious purpose, I obtained leave to go down into the valley of death +and gratify a reprehensible curiosity. + +Forbidding enough it was in every way. The fire had swept every +superficial foot of it, and at every step I sank into ashes to the ankle. +It had contained a thick undergrowth of young saplings, every one of which +had been severed by a bullet, the foliage of the prostrate tops being +afterward burnt and the stumps charred. Death had put his sickle into this +thicket and fire had gleaned the field. Along a line which was not that of +extreme depression, but was at every point significantly equidistant from +the heights on either hand, lay the bodies, half buried in ashes; some in +the unlovely looseness of attitude denoting sudden death by the bullet, +but by far the greater number in postures of agony that told of the +tormenting flame. Their clothing was half burnt away--their hair and beard +entirely; the rain had come too late to save their nails. Some were +swollen to double girth; others shriveled to manikins. According to degree +of exposure, their faces were bloated and black or yellow and shrunken. +The contraction of muscles which had given them claws for hands had cursed +each countenance with a hideous grin. Faugh! I cannot catalogue the charms +of these gallant gentlemen who had got what they enlisted for. + +XI + +It was now three o'clock in the afternoon, and raining. For fifteen hours +we had been wet to the skin. Chilled, sleepy, hungry and +disappointed--profoundly disgusted with the inglorious part to which they +had been condemned--the men of my regiment did everything doggedly. The +spirit had gone quite out of them. Blue sheets of powder smoke, drifting +amongst the trees, settling against the hillsides and beaten into +nothingness by the falling rain, filled the air with their peculiar +pungent odor, but it no longer stimulated. For miles on either hand could +be heard the hoarse murmur of the battle, breaking out near by with +frightful distinctness, or sinking to a murmur in the distance; and the +one sound aroused no more attention than the other. + +We had been placed again in rear of those guns, but even they and their +iron antagonists seemed to have tired of their feud, pounding away at one +another with amiable infrequency. The right of the regiment extended a +little beyond the field. On the prolongation of the line in that direction +were some regiments of another division, with one in reserve. A third of a +mile back lay the remnant of somebody's brigade looking to its wounds. The +line of forest bounding this end of the field stretched as straight as a +wall from the right of my regiment to Heaven knows what regiment of the +enemy. There suddenly appeared, marching down along this wall, not more +than two hundred yards in our front, a dozen files of gray-clad men with +rifles on the right shoulder. At an interval of fifty yards they were +followed by perhaps half as many more; and in fair supporting distance of +these stalked with confident mien a single man! There seemed to me +something indescribably ludicrous in the advance of this handful of men +upon an army, albeit with their left flank protected by a forest. It does +not so impress me now. They were the exposed flanks of three lines of +infantry, each half a mile in length. In a moment our gunners had grappled +with the nearest pieces, swung them half round, and were pouring streams +of canister into the invaded wood. The infantry rose in masses, springing +into line. Our threatened regiments stood like a wall, their loaded rifles +at "ready," their bayonets hanging quietly in the scabbards. The right +wing of my own regiment was thrown slightly backward to threaten the flank +of the assault. The battered brigade away to the rear pulled itself +together. + +Then the storm burst. A great gray cloud seemed to spring out of the +forest into the faces of the waiting battalions. It was received with a +crash that made the very trees turn up their leaves. For one instant the +assailants paused above their dead, then struggled forward, their bayonets +glittering in the eyes that shone behind the smoke. One moment, and those +unmoved men in blue would be impaled. What were they about? Why did they +not fix bayonets? Were they stunned by their own volley? Their inaction +was maddening! Another tremendous crash!--the rear rank had fired! +Humanity, thank Heaven! is not made for this, and the shattered gray mass +drew back a score of paces, opening a feeble fire. Lead had scored its +old-time victory over steel; the heroic had broken its great heart against +the commonplace. There are those who say that it is sometimes otherwise. + +All this had taken but a minute of time, and now the second Confederate +line swept down and poured in its fire. The line of blue staggered and +gave way; in those two terrific volleys it seemed to have quite poured out +its spirit. To this deadly work our reserve regiment now came up with a +run. It was surprising to see it spitting fire with never a sound, for +such was the infernal din that the ear could take in no more. This fearful +scene was enacted within fifty paces of our toes, but we were rooted to +the ground as if we had grown there. But now our commanding officer rode +from behind us to the front, waved his hand with the courteous gesture +that says _apres vous_, and with a barely audible cheer we sprang into the +fight. Again the smoking front of gray receded, and again, as the enemy's +third line emerged from its leafy covert, it pushed forward across the +piles of dead and wounded to threaten with protruded steel. Never was seen +so striking a proof of the paramount importance of numbers. Within an area +of three hundred yards by fifty there struggled for front places no fewer +than six regiments; and the accession of each, after the first collision, +had it not been immediately counterpoised, would have turned the scale. + +As matters stood, we were now very evenly matched, and how long we might +have held out God only knows. But all at once something appeared to have +gone wrong with the enemy's left; our men had somewhere pierced his line. +A moment later his whole front gave way, and springing forward with fixed +bayonets we pushed him in utter confusion back to his original line. Here, +among the tents from which Grant's people had been expelled the day +before, our broken and disordered regiments inextricably intermingled, and +drunken with the wine of triumph, dashed confidently against a pair of +trim battalions, provoking a tempest of hissing lead that made us stagger +under its very weight. The sharp onset of another against our flank sent +us whirling back with fire at our heels and fresh foes in merciless +pursuit--who in their turn were broken upon the front of the invalided +brigade previously mentioned, which had moved up from the rear to assist +in this lively work. + +As we rallied to reform behind our beloved guns and noted the ridiculous +brevity of our line--as we sank from sheer fatigue, and tried to moderate +the terrific thumping of our hearts--as we caught our breath to ask who +had seen such-and-such a comrade, and laughed hysterically at the +reply--there swept past us and over us into the open field a long regiment +with fixed bayonets and rifles on the right shoulder. Another followed, +and another; two--three--four! Heavens! where do all these men come from, +and why did they not come before? How grandly and confidently they go +sweeping on like long blue waves of ocean chasing one another to the cruel +rocks! Involuntarily we draw in our weary feet beneath us as we sit, ready +to spring up and interpose our breasts when these gallant lines shall come +back to us across the terrible field, and sift brokenly through among the +trees with spouting fires at their backs. We still our breathing to catch +the full grandeur of the volleys that are to tear them to shreds. Minute +after minute passes and the sound does not come. Then for the first time +we note that the silence of the whole region is not comparative, but +absolute. Have we become stone deaf? See; here comes a stretcher-bearer, +and there a surgeon! Good heavens! a chaplain! + +The battle was indeed at an end. + +XII + +And this was, O so long ago! How they come back to me--dimly and brokenly, +but with what a magic spell--those years of youth when I was soldiering! +Again I hear the far warble of blown bugles. Again I see the tall, blue +smoke of camp-fires ascending from the dim valleys of Wonderland. There +steals upon my sense the ghost of an odor from pines that canopy the +ambuscade. I feel upon my cheek the morning mist that shrouds the hostile +camp unaware of its doom, and my blood stirs at the ringing rifle-shot of +the solitary sentinel. Unfamiliar landscapes, glittering with sunshine or +sullen with rain, come to me demanding recognition, pass, vanish and give +place to others. Here in the night stretches a wide and blasted field +studded with half-extinct fires burning redly with I know not what presage +of evil. Again I shudder as I note its desolation and its awful silence. +Where was it? To what monstrous inharmony of death was it the visible +prelude? + +O days when all the world was beautiful and strange; when unfamiliar +constellations burned in the Southern midnights, and the mocking-bird +poured out his heart in the moon-gilded magnolia; when there was something +new under a new sun; will your fine, far memories ever cease to lay +contrasting pictures athwart the harsher features of this later world, +accentuating the ugliness of the longer and tamer life? Is it not strange +that the phantoms of a blood-stained period have so airy a grace and look +with so tender eyes?--that I recall with difficulty the danger and death +and horrors of the time, and without effort all that was gracious and +picturesque? Ah, Youth, there is no such wizard as thou! Give me but one +touch of thine artist hand upon the dull canvas of the Present; gild for +but one moment the drear and somber scenes of to-day, and I will willingly +surrender an other life than the one that I should have thrown away at +Shiloh. + + +A LITTLE OF CHICKAMAUGA + +The history of that awful struggle is well known--I have not the intention +to record it here, but only to relate some part of what I saw of it; my +purpose not instruction, but entertainment. + +I was an officer of the staff of a Federal brigade. Chickamauga was not my +first battle by many, for although hardly more than a boy in years, I had +served at the front from the beginning of the trouble, and had seen enough +of war to give me a fair understanding of it. We knew well enough that +there was to be a fight: the fact that we did not want one would have told +us that, for Bragg always retired when we wanted to fight and fought when +we most desired peace. We had manoeuvred him out of Chattanooga, but had +not manoeuvred our entire army into it, and he fell back so sullenly that +those of us who followed, keeping him actually in sight, were a good deal +more concerned about effecting a junction with the rest of our army than +to push the pursuit. By the time that Rosecrans had got his three +scattered corps together we were a long way from Chattanooga, with our +line of communication with it so exposed that Bragg turned to seize it. +Chickamauga was a fight for possession of a road. + +Back along this road raced Crittenden's corps, with those of Thomas and +McCook, which had not before traversed it. The whole army was moving by +its left. + +There was sharp fighting all along and all day, for the forest was so +dense that the hostile lines came almost into contact before fighting was +possible. One instance was particularly horrible. After some hours of +close engagement my brigade, with foul pieces and exhausted cartridge +boxes, was relieved and withdrawn to the road to protect several batteries +of artillery--probably two dozen pieces--which commanded an open field in +the rear of our line. Before our weary and virtually disarmed men had +actually reached the guns the line in front gave way, fell back behind the +guns and went on, the Lord knows whither. A moment later the field was +gray with Confederates in pursuit. Then the guns opened fire with grape +and canister and for perhaps five minutes--it seemed an hour--nothing +could be heard but the infernal din of their discharge and nothing seen +through the smoke but a great ascension of dust from the smitten soil. +When all was over, and the dust cloud had lifted, the spectacle was too +dreadful to describe. The Confederates were still there--all of them, it +seemed--some almost under the muzzles of the guns. But not a man of all +these brave fellows was on his feet, and so thickly were all covered with +dust that they looked as if they had been reclothed in yellow. + +"We bury our dead," said a gunner, grimly, though doubtless all were +afterward dug out, for some were partly alive. + +To a "day of danger" succeeded a "night of waking." The enemy, everywhere +held back from the road, continued to stretch his line northward in the +hope to overlap us and put himself between us and Chattanooga. We neither +saw nor heard his movement, but any man with half a head would have known +that he was making it, and we met it by a parallel movement to our left. +By morning we had edged along a good way and thrown up rude intrenchments +at a little distance from the road, on the threatened side. The day was +not very far advanced when we were attacked furiously all along the line, +beginning at the left. When repulsed, the enemy came again and again--his +persistence was dispiriting. He seemed to be using against us the law of +probabilities: of so many efforts one would eventually succeed. + +One did, and it was my luck to see it win. I had been sent by my chief, +General Hazen, to order up some artillery ammunition and rode away to the +right and rear in search of it. Finding an ordnance train I obtained from +the officer in charge a few wagons loaded with what I wanted, but he +seemed in doubt as to our occupancy of the region across which I proposed +to guide them. Although assured that I had just traversed it, and that it +lay immediately behind Wood's division, he insisted on riding to the top +of the ridge behind which his train lay and overlooking the ground. We did +so, when to my astonishment I saw the entire country in front swarming +with Confederates; the very earth seemed to be moving toward us! They came +on in thousands, and so rapidly that we had barely time to turn tail and +gallop down the hill and away, leaving them in possession of the train, +many of the wagons being upset by frantic efforts to put them about. By +what miracle that officer had sensed the situation I did not learn, for we +parted company then and there and I never again saw him. + +By a misunderstanding Wood's division had been withdrawn from our line of +battle just as the enemy was making an assault. Through the gap of half a +mile the Confederates charged without opposition, cutting our army clean +in two. The right divisions were broken up and with General Rosecrans in +their midst fled how they could across the country, eventually bringing up +in Chattanooga, whence Rosecrans telegraphed to Washington the destruction +of the rest of his army. The rest of his army was standing its ground. + +A good deal of nonsense used to be talked about the heroism of General +Garfield, who, caught in the rout of the right, nevertheless went back and +joined the undefeated left under General Thomas. There was no great +heroism in it; that is what every man should have done, including the +commander of the army. We could hear Thomas's guns going--those of us who +had ears for them--and all that was needful was to make a sufficiently +wide detour and then move toward the sound. I did so myself, and have +never felt that it ought to make me President. Moreover, on my way I met +General Negley, and my duties as topographical engineer having given me +some knowledge of the lay of the land offered to pilot him back to glory +or the grave. I am sorry to say my good offices were rejected a little +uncivilly, which I charitably attributed to the general's obvious absence +of mind. His mind, I think, was in Nashville, behind a breastwork. + +Unable to find my brigade, I reported to General Thomas, who directed me +to remain with him. He had assumed command of all the forces still intact +and was pretty closely beset. The battle was fierce and continuous, the +enemy extending his lines farther and farther around our right, toward our +line of retreat. We could not meet the extension otherwise than by +"refusing" our right flank and letting him inclose us; which but for +gallant Gordon Granger he would inevitably have done. + +This was the way of it. Looking across the fields in our rear (rather +longingly) I had the happy distinction of a discoverer. What I saw was the +shimmer of sunlight on metal: lines of troops were coming in behind us! +The distance was too great, the atmosphere too hazy to distinguish the +color of their uniform, even with a glass. Reporting my momentous "find" I +was directed by the general to go and see who they were. Galloping toward +them until near enough to see that they were of our kidney I hastened back +with the glad tidings and was sent again, to guide them to the general's +position. + +It was General Granger with two strong brigades of the reserve, moving +soldier-like toward the sound of heavy firing. Meeting him and his staff I +directed him to Thomas, and unable to think of anything better to do +decided to go visiting. I knew I had a brother in that gang--an officer of +an Ohio battery. I soon found him near the head of a column, and as we +moved forward we had a comfortable chat amongst such of the enemy's +bullets as had inconsiderately been fired too high. The incident was a +trifle marred by one of them unhorsing another officer of the battery, +whom we propped against a tree and left. A few moments later Granger's +force was put in on the right and the fighting was terrific! + +By accident I now found Hazen's brigade--or what remained of it--which had +made a half-mile march to add itself to the unrouted at the memorable +Snodgrass Hill. Hazen's first remark to me was an inquiry about that +artillery ammunition that he had sent me for. + +It was needed badly enough, as were other kinds: for the last hour or two +of that interminable day Granger's were the only men that had enough +ammunition to make a five minutes' fight. Had the Confederates made one +more general attack we should have had to meet them with the bayonet +alone. I don't know why they did not; probably they were short of +ammunition. I know, though, that while the sun was taking its own time to +set we lived through the agony of at least one death each, waiting for +them to come on. + +At last it grew too dark to fight. Then away to our left and rear some of +Bragg's people set up "the rebel yell." It was taken up successively and +passed round to our front, along our right and in behind us again, until +it seemed almost to have got to the point whence it started. It was the +ugliest sound that any mortal ever heard--even a mortal exhausted and +unnerved by two days of hard fighting, without sleep, without rest, +without food and without hope. There was, however, a space somewhere at +the back of us across which that horrible yell did not prolong itself; and +through that we finally retired in profound silence and dejection, +unmolested. + +To those of us who have survived the attacks of both Bragg and Time, and +who keep in memory the dear dead comrades whom we left upon that fateful +field, the place means much. May it mean something less to the younger men +whose tents are now pitched where, with bended heads and clasped hands, +God's great angels stood invisible among the heroes in blue and the heroes +in gray, sleeping their last sleep in the woods of Chickamauga. + +_1898_. + + +THE CRIME AT PICKETT'S MILL + +There is a class of events which by their very nature, and despite any +intrinsic interest that they may possess, are foredoomed to oblivion. They +are merged in the general story of those greater events of which they were +a part, as the thunder of a billow breaking on a distant beach is unnoted +in the continuous roar. To how many having knowledge of the battles of our +Civil War does the name Pickett's Mill suggest acts of heroism and +devotion performed in scenes of awful carnage to accomplish the +impossible? Buried in the official reports of the victors there are indeed +imperfect accounts of the engagement: the vanquished have not thought it +expedient to relate it. It is ignored by General Sherman in his memoirs, +yet Sherman ordered it. General Howard wrote an account of the campaign of +which it was an incident, and dismissed it in a single sentence; yet +General Howard planned it, and it was fought as an isolated and +independent action under his eye. Whether it was so trifling an affair as +to justify this inattention let the reader judge. + +The fight occurred on the 27th of May, 1864, while the armies of Generals +Sherman and Johnston confronted each other near Dallas, Georgia, during +the memorable "Atlanta campaign." For three weeks we had been pushing the +Confederates southward, partly by manoeuvring, partly by fighting, out of +Dalton, out of Resaca, through Adairsville, Kingston and Cassville. Each +army offered battle everywhere, but would accept it only on its own terms. +At Dallas Johnston made another stand and Sherman, facing the hostile +line, began his customary manoeuvring for an advantage. General Wood's +division of Howard's corps occupied a position opposite the Confederate +right. Johnston finding himself on the 26th overlapped by Schofield, still +farther to Wood's left, retired his right (Polk) across a creek, whither +we followed him into the woods with a deal of desultory bickering, and at +nightfall had established the new lines at nearly a right angle with the +old--Schofield reaching well around and threatening the Confederate rear. + +The civilian reader must not suppose when he reads accounts of military +operations in which relative positions of the forces are defined, as in +the foregoing passages, that these were matters of general knowledge to +those engaged. Such statements are commonly made, even by those high in +command, in the light of later disclosures, such as the enemy's official +reports. It is seldom, indeed, that a subordinate officer knows anything +about the disposition of the enemy's forces--except that it is +unaimable--or precisely whom he is fighting. As to the rank and file, they +can know nothing more of the matter than the arms they carry. They hardly +know what troops are upon their own right or left the length of a regiment +away. If it is a cloudy day they are ignorant even of the points of the +compass. It may be said, generally, that a soldier's knowledge of what is +going on about him is coterminous with his official relation to it and his +personal connection with it; what is going on in front of him he does not +know at all until he learns it afterward. + +At nine o'clock on the morning of the 27th Wood's division was withdrawn +and replaced by Stanley's. Supported by Johnson's division, it moved at +ten o'clock to the left, in the rear of Schofield, a distance of four +miles through a forest, and at two o'clock in the afternoon had reached a +position where General Howard believed himself free to move in behind the +enemy's forces and attack them in the rear, or at least, striking them in +the flank, crush his way along their line in the direction of its length, +throw them into confusion and prepare an easy victory for a supporting +attack in front. In selecting General Howard for this bold adventure +General Sherman was doubtless not unmindful of Chancellorsville, where +Stonewall Jackson had executed a similar manoeuvre for Howard's +instruction. Experience is a normal school: it teaches how to teach. + +There are some differences to be noted. At Chancellorsville it was Jackson +who attacked; at Pickett's Mill, Howard. At Chancellorsville it was Howard +who was assailed; at Pickett's Mill, Hood. The significance of the first +distinction is doubled by that of the second. + +The attack, it was understood, was to be made in column of brigades, +Hazen's brigade of Wood's division leading. That such was at least Hazen's +understanding I learned from his own lips during the movement, as I was an +officer of his staff. But after a march of less than a mile an hour and a +further delay of three hours at the end of it to acquaint the enemy of our +intention to surprise him, our single shrunken brigade of fifteen hundred +men was sent forward without support to double up the army of General +Johnston. "We will put in Hazen and see what success he has." In these +words of General Wood to General Howard we were first apprised of the true +nature of the distinction about to be conferred upon us. + +General W.B. Hazen, a born fighter, an educated soldier, after the war +Chief Signal Officer of the Army and now long dead, was the best hated man +that I ever knew, and his very memory is a terror to every unworthy soul +in the service. His was a stormy life: he was in trouble all round. Grant, +Sherman, Sheridan and a countless multitude of the less eminent luckless +had the misfortune, at one time and another, to incur his disfavor, and he +tried to punish them all. He was always--after the war--the central figure +of a court-martial or a Congressional inquiry, was accused of everything, +from stealing to cowardice, was banished to obscure posts, "jumped on" by +the press, traduced in public and in private, and always emerged +triumphant. While Signal Officer, he went up against the Secretary of War +and put him to the controversial sword. He convicted Sheridan of +falsehood, Sherman of barbarism, Grant of inefficiency. He was aggressive, +arrogant, tyrannical, honorable, truthful, courageous--skillful soldier, a +faithful friend and one of the most exasperating of men Duty was his +religion, and like the Moslem he proselyted with the sword. His missionary +efforts were directed chiefly against the spiritual darkness of his +superiors in rank, though he would turn aside from pursuit of his erring +commander to set a chicken-thieving orderly astride a wooden horse, with a +heavy stone attached to each foot. "Hazen," said a brother brigadier, "is +a synonym of insubordination." For my commander and my friend, my master +in the art of war, now unable to answer for himself, let this fact answer: +when he heard Wood say they would put him in and see what success he would +have in defeating an army--when he saw Howard assent--he uttered never a +word, rode to the head of his feeble brigade and patiently awaited the +command to go. Only by a look which I knew how to read did he betray his +sense of the criminal blunder. + +The enemy had now had seven hours in which to learn of the movement and +prepare to meet it. General Johnston says: + +"The Federal troops extended their intrenched line [we did not intrench] +so rapidly to their left that it was found necessary to transfer +Cleburne's division to Hardee's corps to our right, where it was formed on +the prolongation of Polk's line." + +General Hood, commanding the enemy's right corps, says: + +"On the morning of the 27th the enemy were known to be rapidly extending +their left, attempting to turn my right as they extended. Cleburne was +deployed to meet them, and at half-past five P.M. a very stubborn attack +was made on this division, extending to the right, where Major-General +Wheeler with his cavalry division was engaging them. The assault was +continued with great determination upon both Cleburne and Wheeler." + +That, then, was the situation: a weak brigade of fifteen hundred men, with +masses of idle troops behind in the character of audience, waiting for the +word to march a quarter-mile up hill through almost impassable tangles of +underwood, along and across precipitous ravines, and attack breastworks +constructed at leisure and manned with two divisions of troops as good as +themselves. True, we did not know all this, but if any man on that ground +besides Wood and Howard expected a "walkover" his must have been a +singularly hopeful disposition. As topographical engineer it had been my +duty to make a hasty examination of the ground in front. In doing so I had +pushed far enough forward through the forest to hear distinctly the murmur +of the enemy awaiting us, and this had been duly reported; but from our +lines nothing could be heard but the wind among the trees and the songs of +birds. Some one said it was a pity to frighten them, but there would +necessarily be more or less noise. We laughed at that: men awaiting death +on the battlefield laugh easily, though not infectiously. + +The brigade was formed in four battalions, two in front and two in rear. +This gave us a front of about two hundred yards. The right front battalion +was commanded by Colonel R.L. Kimberly of the 41st Ohio, the left by +Colonel O.H. Payne of the 124th Ohio, the rear battalions by Colonel J.C. +Foy, 23d Kentucky, and Colonel W.W. Berry, 5th Kentucky--all brave and +skillful officers, tested by experience on many fields. The whole command +(known as the Second Brigade, Third Division, Fourth Corps) consisted of +no fewer than nine regiments, reduced by long service to an average of +less than two hundred men each. With full ranks and only the necessary +details for special duty we should have had some eight thousand rifles in +line. + +We moved forward. In less than one minute the trim battalions had become +simply a swarm of men struggling through the undergrowth of the forest, +pushing and crowding. The front was irregularly serrated, the strongest +and bravest in advance, the others following in fan-like formations, +variable and inconstant, ever defining themselves anew. For the first two +hundred yards our course lay along the left bank of a small creek in a +deep ravine, our left battalions sweeping along its steep slope. Then we +came to the fork of the ravine. A part of us crossed below, the rest +above, passing over both branches, the regiments inextricably +intermingled, rendering all military formation impossible. The +color-bearers kept well to the front with their flags, closely furled, +aslant backward over their shoulders. Displayed, they would have been torn +to rags by the boughs of the trees. Horses were all sent to the rear; the +general and staff and all the field officers toiled along on foot as best +they could. "We shall halt and form when we get out of this," said an +aide-de-camp. + +Suddenly there were a ringing rattle of musketry, the familiar hissing of +bullets, and before us the interspaces of the forest were all blue with +smoke. Hoarse, fierce yells broke out of a thousand throats. The forward +fringe of brave and hardy assailants was arrested in its mutable +extensions; the edge of our swarm grew dense and clearly defined as the +foremost halted, and the rest pressed forward to align themselves beside +them, all firing. The uproar was deafening; the air was sibilant with +streams and sheets of missiles. In the steady, unvarying roar of +small-arms the frequent shock of the cannon was rather felt than heard, +but the gusts of grape which they blew into that populous wood were +audible enough, screaming among the trees and cracking against their stems +and branches. We had, of course, no artillery to reply. + +Our brave color-bearers were now all in the forefront of battle in the +open, for the enemy had cleared a space in front of his breastworks. They +held the colors erect, shook out their glories, waved them forward and +back to keep them spread, for there was no wind. From where I stood, at +the right of the line--we had "halted and formed," indeed--I could see six +of our flags at one time. Occasionally one would go down, only to be +instantly lifted by other hands. + +I must here quote again from General Johnston's account of this +engagement, for nothing could more truly indicate the resolute nature of +the attack than the Confederate belief that it was made by the whole +Fourth Corps, instead of one weak brigade: + +"The Fourth Corps came on in deep order and assailed the Texans with great +vigor, receiving their close and accurate fire with the fortitude always +exhibited by General Sherman's troops in the actions of this campaign.... +The Federal troops approached within a few yards of the Confederates, but +at last were forced to give way by their storm of well-directed bullets, +and fell back to the shelter of a hollow near and behind them. They left +hundreds of corpses within twenty paces of the Confederate line. When the +United States troops paused in their advance within fifteen paces of the +Texan front rank one of their color-bearers planted his colors eight or +ten feet in front of his regiment, and was instantly shot dead. A soldier +sprang forward to his place and fell also as he grasped the color-staff. A +second and third followed successively, and each received death as +speedily as his predecessors. A fourth, however, seized and bore back the +object of soldierly devotion." + +Such incidents have occurred in battle from time to time since men began +to venerate the symbols of their cause, but they are not commonly related +by the enemy. If General Johnston had known that his veteran divisions +were throwing their successive lines against fewer than fifteen hundred +men his glowing tribute to his enemy's valor could hardly have been more +generously expressed. I can attest the truth of his soldierly praise: I +saw the occurrence that he relates and regret that I am unable to recall +even the name of the regiment whose colors were so gallantly saved. + +Early in my military experience I used to ask myself how it was that brave +troops could retreat while still their courage was high. As long as a man +is not disabled he can go forward; can it be anything but fear that makes +him stop and finally retire? Are there signs by which he can infallibly +know the struggle to be hopeless? In this engagement, as in others, my +doubts were answered as to the fact; the explanation is still obscure. In +many instances which have come under my observation, when hostile lines of +infantry engage at close range and the assailants afterward retire, there +was a "dead-line" beyond which no man advanced but to fall. Not a soul of +them ever reached the enemy's front to be bayoneted or captured. It was a +matter of the difference of three or four paces--too small a distance to +affect the accuracy of aim. In these affairs no aim is taken at individual +antagonists; the soldier delivers his fire at the thickest mass in his +front. The fire is, of course, as deadly at twenty paces as at fifteen; at +fifteen as at ten. Nevertheless, there is the "dead-line," with its +well-defined edge of corpses--those of the bravest. Where both lines are +fighting without cover--as in a charge met by a counter-charge--each has +its "dead-line," and between the two is a clear space--neutral ground, +devoid of dead, for the living cannot reach it to fall there. + +I observed this phenomenon at Pickett's Mill. Standing at the right of the +line I had an unobstructed view of the narrow, open space across which the +two lines fought. It was dim with smoke, but not greatly obscured: the +smoke rose and spread in sheets among the branches of the trees. Most of +our men fought kneeling as they fired, many of them behind trees, stones +and whatever cover they could get, but there were considerable groups that +stood. Occasionally one of these groups, which had endured the storm of +missiles for moments without perceptible reduction, would push forward, +moved by a common despair, and wholly detach itself from the line. In a +second every man of the group would be down. There had been no visible +movement of the enemy, no audible change in the awful, even roar of the +firing--yet all were down. Frequently the dim figure of an individual +soldier would be seen to spring away from his comrades, advancing alone +toward that fateful interspace, with leveled bayonet. He got no farther +than the farthest of his predecessors. Of the "hundreds of corpses within +twenty paces of the Confederate line," I venture to say that a third were +within fifteen paces, and not one within ten. + +It is the perception--perhaps unconscious--of this inexplicable phenomenon +that causes the still unharmed, still vigorous and still courageous +soldier to retire without having come into actual contact with his foe. He +sees, or feels, that he _cannot_. His bayonet is a useless weapon for +slaughter; its purpose is a moral one. Its mandate exhausted, he sheathes +it and trusts to the bullet. That failing, he retreats. He has done all +that he could do with such appliances as he has. + +No command to fall back was given, none could have been heard. Man by man, +the survivors withdrew at will, sifting through the trees into the cover +of the ravines, among the wounded who could drag themselves back; among +the skulkers whom nothing could have dragged forward. The left of our +short line had fought at the corner of a cornfield, the fence along the +right side of which was parallel to the direction of our retreat. As the +disorganized groups fell back along this fence on the wooded side, they +were attacked by a flanking force of the enemy moving through the field in +a direction nearly parallel with what had been our front. This force, I +infer from General Johnston's account, consisted of the brigade of General +Lowry, or two Arkansas regiments under Colonel Baucum. I had been sent by +General Hazen to that point and arrived in time to witness this formidable +movement. But already our retreating men, in obedience to their officers, +their courage and their instinct of self-preservation, had formed along +the fence and opened fire. The apparently slight advantage of the +imperfect cover and the open range worked its customary miracle: the +assault, a singularly spiritless one, considering the advantages it +promised and that it was made by an organized and victorious force against +a broken and retreating one, was checked. The assailants actually retired, +and if they afterward renewed the movement they encountered none but our +dead and wounded. + +The battle, as a battle, was at an end, but there was still some +slaughtering that it was possible to incur before nightfall; and as the +wreck of our brigade drifted back through the forest we met the brigade +(Gibson's) which, had the attack been made in column, as it should have +been, would have been but five minutes behind our heels, with another five +minutes behind its own. As it was, just forty-five minutes had elapsed, +during which the enemy had destroyed us and was now ready to perform the +same kindly office for our successors. Neither Gibson nor the brigade +which was sent to his "relief" as tardily as he to ours accomplished, or +could have hoped to accomplish, anything whatever. I did not note their +movements, having other duties, but Hazen in his "Narrative of Military +Service" says: + +"I witnessed the attack of the two brigades following my own, and none of +these (troops) advanced nearer than one hundred yards of the enemy's +works. They went in at a run, and as organizations were broken in less +than a minute." + +Nevertheless their losses were considerable, including several hundred +prisoners taken from a sheltered place whence they did not care to rise +and run. The entire loss was about fourteen hundred men, of whom nearly +one-half fell killed and wounded in Hazen's brigade in less than thirty +minutes of actual fighting. + +General Johnston says: + +"The Federal dead lying near our line were counted by many persons, +officers and soldiers. According to these counts there were seven hundred +of them." + +This is obviously erroneous, though I have not the means at hand to +ascertain the true number. I remember that we were all astonished at the +uncommonly large proportion of dead to wounded--a consequence of the +uncommonly close range at which most of the fighting was done. + +The action took its name from a water-power mill near by. This was on a +branch of a stream having, I am sorry to say, the prosaic name of Pumpkin +Vine Creek. I have my own reasons for suggesting that the name of that +water-course be altered to Sunday-School Run. + + +FOUR DAYS IN DIXIE + +During a part of the month of October, 1864, the Federal and Confederate +armies of Sherman and Hood respectively, having performed a surprising and +resultless series of marches and countermarches since the fall of Atlanta, +confronted each other along the separating line of the Coosa River in the +vicinity of Gaylesville, Alabama. Here for several days they remained at +rest--at least most of the infantry and artillery did; what the cavalry +was doing nobody but itself ever knew or greatly cared. It was an +interregnum of expectancy between two régimes of activity. + +I was on the staff of Colonel McConnell, who commanded an infantry brigade +in the absence of its regular commander. McConnell was a good man, but he +did not keep a very tight rein upon the half dozen restless and reckless +young fellows who (for his sins) constituted his "military family." In +most matters we followed the trend of our desires, which commonly ran in +the direction of adventure--it did not greatly matter what kind. In +pursuance of this policy of escapades, one bright Sunday morning +Lieutenant Cobb, an aide-de-camp, and I mounted and set out to "seek our +fortunes," as the story books have it. Striking into a road of which we +knew nothing except that it led toward the river, we followed it for a +mile or such a matter, when we found our advance interrupted by a +considerable creek, which we must ford or go back. We consulted a moment +and then rode at it as hard as we could, possibly in the belief that a +high momentum would act as it does in the instance of a skater passing +over thin ice. Cobb was fortunate enough to get across comparatively dry, +but his hapless companion was utterly submerged. The disaster was all the +greater from my having on a resplendent new uniform, of which I had been +pardonably vain. Ah, what a gorgeous new uniform it never was again! + +A half-hour devoted to wringing my clothing and dry-charging my revolver, +and we were away. A brisk canter of a half-hour under the arches of the +trees brought us to the river, where it was our ill luck to find a boat +and three soldiers of our brigade. These men had been for several hours +concealed in the brush patiently watching the opposite bank in the amiable +hope of getting a shot at some unwary Confederate, but had seen none. For +a great distance up and down the stream on the other side, and for at +least a mile back from it, extended cornfields. Beyond the cornfields, on +slightly higher ground, was a thin forest, with breaks here and there in +its continuity, denoting plantations, probably. No houses were in sight, +and no camps. We knew that it was the enemy's ground, but whether his +forces were disposed along the slightly higher country bordering the +bottom lands, or at strategic points miles back, as ours were, we knew no +more than the least curious private in our army. In any case the river +line would naturally be picketed or patrolled. But the charm of the +unknown was upon us: the mysterious exerted its old-time fascination, +beckoning to us from that silent shore so peaceful and dreamy in the +beauty of the quiet Sunday morning. The temptation was strong and we fell. +The soldiers were as eager for the hazard as we, and readily volunteered +for the madmen's enterprise. Concealing our horses in a cane-brake, we +unmoored the boat and rowed across unmolested. + +Arrived at a kind of "landing" on the other side, our first care was so to +secure the boat under the bank as to favor a hasty re-embarking in case we +should be so unfortunate as to incur the natural consequence of our act; +then, following an old road through the ranks of standing corn, we moved +in force upon the Confederate position, five strong, with an armament of +three Springfield rifles and two Colt's revolvers. We had not the further +advantage of music and banners. One thing favored the expedition, giving +it an apparent assurance of success: it was well officered--an officer to +each man and a half. + +After marching about a mile we came into a neck of woods and crossed an +intersecting road which showed no wheel-tracks, but was rich in +hoof-prints. We observed them and kept right on about our business, +whatever that may have been. A few hundred yards farther brought us to a +plantation bordering our road upon the right. The fields, as was the +Southern fashion at that period of the war, were uncultivated and +overgrown with brambles. A large white house stood at some little distance +from the road; we saw women and children and a few negroes there. On our +left ran the thin forest, pervious to cavalry. Directly ahead an ascent in +the road formed a crest beyond which we could see nothing. + +On this crest suddenly appeared two horsemen in gray, sharply outlined +against the sky--men and animals looking gigantic. At the same instant a +jingling and tramping were audible behind us, and turning in that +direction I saw a score of mounted men moving forward at a trot. In the +meantime the giants on the crest had multiplied surprisingly. Our invasion +of the Gulf States had apparently failed. + +There was lively work in the next few seconds. The shots were thick and +fast--and uncommonly loud; none, I think, from our side. Cobb was on the +extreme left of our advance, I on the right--about two paces apart. He +instantly dived into the wood. The three men and I climbed across the +fence somehow and struck out across the field--actuated, doubtless, by an +intelligent forethought: men on horseback could not immediately follow. +Passing near the house, now swarming like a hive of bees, we made for a +swamp two or three hundred yards away, where I concealed myself in a +jungle, the others continuing--as a defeated commander would put it--to +fall back. In my cover, where I lay panting like a hare, I could hear a +deal of shouting and hard riding and an occasional shot. I heard some one +calling dogs, and the thought of bloodhounds added its fine suggestiveness +to the other fancies appropriate to the occasion. + +Finding myself unpursued after the lapse of what seemed an hour, but was +probably a few minutes, I cautiously sought a place where, still +concealed, I could obtain a view of the field of glory. The only enemy in +sight was a group of horsemen on a hill a quarter of a mile away. Toward +this group a woman was running, followed by the eyes of everybody about +the house. I thought she had discovered my hiding-place and was going to +"give me away." Taking to my hands and knees I crept as rapidly as +possible among the clumps of brambles directly back toward the point in +the road where we had met the enemy and failed to make him ours. There I +dragged myself into a patch of briars within ten feet of the road, where I +lay undiscovered during the remainder of the day, listening to a variety +of disparaging remarks upon Yankee valor and to dispiriting declarations +of intention conditional on my capture, as members of the Opposition +passed and repassed and paused in the road to discuss the morning's +events. In this way I learned that the three privates had been headed off +and caught within ten minutes. Their destination would naturally be +Andersonville; what further became of them God knows. Their captors passed +the day making a careful canvass of the swamp for me. + +When night had fallen I cautiously left my place of concealment, dodged +across the road into the woods and made for the river through the mile of +corn. Such corn! It towered above me like a forest, shutting out all the +starlight except what came from directly overhead. Many of the ears were a +yard out of reach. One who has never seen an Alabama river-bottom +cornfield has not exhausted nature's surprises; nor will he know what +solitude is until he explores one in a moonless night. + +I came at last to the river bank with its fringe of trees and willows and +canes. My intention was to swim across, but the current was swift, the +water forbiddingly dark and cold. A mist obscured the other bank. I could +not, indeed, see the water more than a few yards out. It was a hazardous +and horrible undertaking, and I gave it up, following cautiously along the +bank in search of the spot where we had moored the boat. True, it was +hardly likely that the landing was now unguarded, or, if so, that the boat +was still there. Cobb had undoubtedly made for it, having an even more +urgent need than I; but hope springs eternal in the human breast, and +there was a chance that he had been killed before reaching it. I came at +last into the road that we had taken and consumed half the night in +cautiously approaching the landing, pistol in hand and heart in mouth. The +boat was gone! I continued my journey along the stream--in search of +another. + +My clothing was still damp from my morning bath, my teeth rattled with +cold, but I kept on along the stream until I reached the limit of the +cornfields and entered a dense wood. Through this I groped my way, inch by +inch, when, suddenly emerging from a thicket into a space slightly more +open, I came upon a smoldering camp-fire surrounded by prostrate figures +of men, upon one of whom I had almost trodden. A sentinel, who ought to +have been shot, sat by the embers, his carbine across his lap, his chin +upon his breast. Just beyond was a group of unsaddled horses. The men were +asleep; the sentinel was asleep; the horses were asleep. There was +something indescribably uncanny about it all. For a moment I believed them +all lifeless, and O'Hara's familiar line, "The bivouac of the dead," +quoted itself in my consciousness. The emotion that I felt was that +inspired by a sense of the supernatural; of the actual and imminent peril +of my position I had no thought. When at last it occurred to me I felt it +as a welcome relief, and stepping silently back into the shadow retraced +my course without having awakened a soul. The vividness with which I can +now recall that scene is to me one of the marvels of memory. + +Getting my bearings again with some difficulty, I now made a wide detour +to the left, in the hope of passing around this outpost and striking the +river beyond. In this mad attempt I ran upon a more vigilant sentinel, +posted in the heart of a thicket, who fired at me without challenge. To a +soldier an unexpected shot ringing out at dead of night is fraught with an +awful significance. In my circumstances--cut off from my comrades, groping +about an unknown country, surrounded by invisible perils which such a +signal would call into eager activity--the flash and shock of that firearm +were unspeakably dreadful! In any case I should and ought to have fled, +and did so; but how much or little of conscious prudence there was in the +prompting I do not care to discover by analysis of memory. I went back +into the corn, found the river, followed it back a long way and mounted +into the fork of a low tree. There I perched until the dawn, a most +uncomfortable bird. + +In the gray light of the morning I discovered that I was opposite an +island of considerable length, separated from the mainland by a narrow and +shallow channel, which I promptly waded. The island was low and flat, +covered with an almost impenetrable cane-brake interlaced with vines. +Working my way through these to the other side, I obtained another look at +God's country--Shermany, so to speak. There were no visible inhabitants. +The forest and the water met. This did not deter me. For the chill of the +water I had no further care, and laying off my boots and outer clothing I +prepared to swim. A strange thing now occurred--more accurately, a +familiar thing occurred at a strange moment. A black cloud seemed to pass +before my eyes--the water, the trees, the sky, all vanished in a profound +darkness. I heard the roaring of a great cataract, felt the earth sinking +from beneath my feet. Then I heard and felt no more. + +At the battle of Kennesaw Mountain in the previous June I had been badly +wounded in the head, and for three months was incapacitated for service. +In truth, I had done no actual duty since, being then, as for many years +afterward, subject to fits of fainting, sometimes without assignable +immediate cause, but mostly when suffering from exposure, excitement or +excessive fatigue. This combination of them all had broken me down--most +opportunely, it would seem. + +When I regained my consciousness the sun was high. I was still giddy and +half blind. To have taken to the water would have been madness; I must +have a raft. Exploring my island, I found a pen of slender logs: an old +structure without roof or rafters, built for what purpose I do not know. +Several of these logs I managed with patient toil to detach and convey to +the water, where I floated them, lashing them together with vines. Just +before sunset my raft was complete and freighted with my outer clothing, +boots and pistol. Having shipped the last article, I returned into the +brake, seeking something from which to improvise a paddle. While peering +about I heard a sharp metallic click--the cocking of a rifle! I was a +prisoner. + +The history of this great disaster to the Union arms is brief and simple. +A Confederate "home guard," hearing something going on upon the island, +rode across, concealed his horse and still-hunted me. And, reader, when +you are "held up" in the same way may it be by as fine a fellow. He not +only spared my life, but even overlooked a feeble and ungrateful +after-attempt upon his own (the particulars of which I shall not relate), +merely exacting my word of honor that I would not again try to escape +while in his custody. Escape! I could not have escaped a new-born babe. + +At my captor's house that evening there was a reception, attended by the +élite of the whole vicinity. A Yankee officer in full fig--minus only the +boots, which could not be got on to his swollen feet--was something worth +seeing, and those who came to scoff remained to stare. What most +interested them, I think, was my eating--an entertainment that was +prolonged to a late hour. They were a trifle disappointed by the absence +of horns, hoof and tail, but bore their chagrin with good-natured +fortitude. Among my visitors was a charming young woman from the +plantation where we had met the foe the day before--the same lady whom I +had suspected of an intention to reveal my hiding-place. She had had no +such design; she had run over to the group of horsemen to learn if her +father had been hurt--by whom, I should like to know. No restraint was put +upon me; my captor even left me with the women and children and went off +for instructions as to what disposition he should make of me. Altogether +the reception was "a pronounced success," though it is to be regretted +that the guest of the evening had the incivility to fall dead asleep in +the midst of the festivities, and was put to bed by sympathetic and, he +has reason to believe, fair hands. + +The next morning I was started off to the rear in custody of two mounted +men, heavily armed. They had another prisoner, picked up in some raid +beyond the river. He was a most offensive brute--a foreigner of some +mongrel sort, with just sufficient command of our tongue to show that he +could not control his own. We traveled all day, meeting occasional small +bodies of cavalrymen, by whom, with one exception--a Texan officer--was +civilly treated. My guards said, however, that if we should chance to meet +Jeff Gatewood he would probably take me from them and hang me to the +nearest tree; and once or twice, hearing horsemen approach, they directed +me to stand aside, concealed in the brush, one of them remaining near by +to keep an eye on me, the other going forward with my fellow-prisoner, for +whose neck they seemed to have less tenderness, and whom I heartily wished +well hanged. + +Jeff Gatewood was a "guerrilla" chief of local notoriety, who was a +greater terror to his friends than to his other foes. My guards related +almost incredible tales of his cruelties and infamies. By their account it +was into his camp that I had blundered on Sunday night. + +We put up for the night at a farmhouse, having gone not more than fifteen +miles, owing to the condition of my feet. Here we got a bite of supper and +were permitted to lie before the fire. My fellow-prisoner took off his +boots and was soon sound asleep. I took off nothing and, despite +exhaustion, remained equally sound awake. One of the guards also removed +his footgear and outer clothing, placed his weapons under his neck and +slept the sleep of innocence; the other sat in the chimney corner on +watch. The house was a double log cabin, with an open space between the +two parts, roofed over--a common type of habitation in that region. The +room we were in had its entrance in this open space, the fireplace +opposite, at the end. Beside the door was a bed, occupied by the old man +of the house and his wife. It was partly curtained off from the room. + +In an hour or two the chap on watch began to yawn, then to nod. Pretty +soon he stretched himself on the floor, facing us, pistol in hand. For a +while he supported himself on his elbow, then laid his head on his arm, +blinking like an owl. I performed an occasional snore, watching him +narrowly between my eyelashes from the shadow of my arm. The inevitable +occurred--he slept audibly. + +A half-hour later I rose quietly to my feet, particularly careful not to +disturb the blackguard at my side, and moved as silently as possible to +the door. Despite my care the latch clicked. The old lady sat bolt upright +in bed and stared at me. She was too late. I sprang through the door and +struck out for the nearest point of woods, in a direction previously +selected, vaulting fences like an accomplished gymnast and followed by a +multitude of dogs. It is said that the State of Alabama has more dogs than +school-children, and that they cost more for their keep. The estimate of +cost is probably too high. + +Looking backward as I ran, I saw and heard the place in a turmoil and +uproar; and to my joy the old man, evidently oblivious to the facts of the +situation, was lifting up his voice and calling his dogs. They were good +dogs: they went back; otherwise the malicious old rascal would have had my +skeleton. Again the traditional bloodhound did not materialize. Other +pursuit there was no reason to fear; my foreign gentleman would occupy the +attention of one of the soldiers, and in the darkness of the forest I +could easily elude the other, or, if need be, get him at a disadvantage. +In point of fact there was no pursuit. + +I now took my course by the north star (which I can never sufficiently +bless), avoiding all roads and open places about houses, laboriously +boring my way through forests, driving myself like a wedge into brush and +bramble, swimming every stream I came to (some of them more than once, +probably), and pulling myself out of the water by boughs and +briars--whatever could be grasped. Let any one try to go a little way +across even the most familiar country on a moonless night, and he will +have an experience to remember. By dawn I had probably not made three +miles. My clothing and skin were alike in rags. + +During the day I was compelled to make wide detours to avoid even the +fields, unless they were of corn; but in other respects the going was +distinctly better. A light breakfast of raw sweet potatoes and persimmons +cheered the inner man; a good part of the outer was decorating the several +thorns, boughs and sharp rocks along my sylvan wake. + +Late in the afternoon I found the river, at what point it was impossible +to say. After a half-hour's rest, concluding with a fervent prayer that I +might go to the bottom, I swam across. Creeping up the bank and holding my +course still northward through a dense undergrowth, I suddenly reeled into +a dusty highway and saw a more heavenly vision than ever the eyes of a +dying saint were blessed withal--two patriots in blue carrying a stolen +pig slung upon a pole! + +Late that evening Colonel McConnell and his staff were chatting by a +camp-fire in front of his headquarters. They were in a pleasant humor: +some one had just finished a funny story about a man cut in two by a +cannon-shot. Suddenly something staggered in among them from the outer +darkness and fell into the fire. Somebody dragged it out by what seemed to +be a leg. They turned the animal on its back and examined it--they were no +cowards. + +"What is it, Cobb?" said the chief, who had not taken the trouble to rise. + +"I don't know, Colonel, but thank God it is dead!" + +It was not. + + +WHAT OCCURRED AT FRANKLIN + +For several days, in snow and rain, General Schofield's little army had +crouched in its hastily constructed defenses at Columbia, Tennessee. It +had retreated in hot haste from Pulaski, thirty miles to the south, +arriving just in time to foil Hood, who, marching from Florence, Alabama, +by another road, with a force of more than double our strength, had hoped +to intercept us. Had he succeeded, he would indubitably have bagged the +whole bunch of us. As it was, he simply took position in front of us and +gave us plenty of employment, but did not attack; he knew a trick worth +two of that. + +Duck River was directly in our rear; I suppose both our flanks rested on +it. The town was between them. One night--that of November 27, 1864--we +pulled up stakes and crossed to the north bank to continue our retreat to +Nashville, where Thomas and safety lay--such safety as is known in war. It +was high time too, for before noon of the next day Forrest's cavalry +forded the river a few miles above us and began pushing back our own horse +toward Spring Hill, ten miles in our rear, on our only road. Why our +infantry was not immediately put in motion toward the threatened point, so +vital to our safety, General Schofield could have told better than I. +Howbeit, we lay there inactive all day. + +The next morning--a bright and beautiful one--the brigade of Colonel P. +Sidney Post was thrown out, up the river four or five miles, to see what +it could see. What it saw was Hood's head-of-column coming over on a +pontoon bridge, and a right pretty spectacle it would have been to one +whom it did not concern. It concerned us rather keenly. + +As a member of Colonel Post's staff, I was naturally favored with a good +view of the performance. We formed in line of battle at a distance of +perhaps a half-mile from the bridge-head, but that unending column of gray +and steel gave us no more attention than if we had been a crowd of +farmer-folk. Why should it? It had only to face to the left to be itself a +line of battle. Meantime it had more urgent business on hand than brushing +away a small brigade whose only offense was curiosity; it was making for +Spring Hill with all its legs and wheels. Hour after hour we watched that +unceasing flow of infantry and artillery toward the rear of our army. It +was an unnerving spectacle, yet we never for a moment doubted that, acting +on the intelligence supplied by our succession of couriers, our entire +force was moving rapidly to the point of contact. The battle of Spring +Hill was obviously decreed. Obviously, too, our brigade of observation +would be among the last to have a hand in it. The thought annoyed us, made +us restless and resentful. Our mounted men rode forward and back behind +the line, nervous and distressed; the men in the ranks sought relief in +frequent changes of posture, in shifting their weight from one leg to the +other, in needless inspection of their weapons and in that unfailing +resource of the discontented soldier, audible damning of those in the +saddles of authority. But never for more than a moment at a time did any +one remove his eyes from that fascinating and portentous pageant. + +Toward evening we were recalled, to learn that of our five divisions of +infantry, with their batteries, numbering twenty-three thousand men, only +one--Stanley's, four thousand weak--had been sent to Spring Hill to meet +that formidable movement of Hood's three veteran corps! Why Stanley was +not immediately effaced is still a matter of controversy. Hood, who was +early on the ground, declared that he gave the needful orders and tried +vainly to enforce them; Cheatham, in command of his leading corps, that he +did not. Doubtless the dispute is still being carried on between these +chieftains from their beds of asphodel and moly in Elysium. So much is +certain: Stanley drove away Forrest and successfully held the junction of +the roads against Cleburne's division, the only infantry that attacked +him. + +That night the entire Confederate army lay within a half mile of our road, +while we all sneaked by, infantry, artillery, and trains. The enemy's +camp-fires shone redly--miles of them--seemingly only a stone's throw from +our hurrying column. His men were plainly visible about them, cooking +their suppers--a sight so incredible that many of our own, thinking them +friends, strayed over to them and did not return. At intervals of a few +hundred yards we passed dim figures on horseback by the roadside, +enjoining silence. Needless precaution; we could not have spoken if we had +tried, for our hearts were in our throats. But fools are God's peculiar +care, arid one of his protective methods is the stupidity of other fools. +By daybreak our last man and last wagon had passed the fateful spot +unchallenged, and our first were entering Franklin, ten miles away. +Despite spirited cavalry attacks on trains and rear-guard, all were in +Franklin by noon and such of the men as could be kept awake were throwing +up a slight line of defense, inclosing the town. + +Franklin lies--or at that time did lie; I know not what exploration might +now disclose--on the south bank of a small river, the Harpeth by name. For +two miles southward was a nearly flat, open plain, extending to a range of +low hills through which passed the turnpike by which we had come. From +some bluffs on the precipitous north bank of the river was a commanding +overlook of all this open ground, which, although more than a mile away, +seemed almost at one's feet. On this elevated ground the wagon-train had +been parked and General Schofield had stationed himself--the former for +security, the latter for outlook. Both were guarded by General Wood's +infantry division, of which my brigade was a part. "We are in beautiful +luck," said a member of the division staff. With some prevision of what +was to come and a lively recollection of the nervous strain of helpless +observation, I did not think it luck. In the activity of battle one does +not feel one's hair going gray with vicissitudes of emotion. + +For some reason to the writer unknown General Schofield had brought along +with him General D.S. Stanley, who commanded two of his divisions--ours +and another, which was not "in luck." In the ensuing battle, when this +excellent officer could stand the strain no longer, he bolted across the +bridge like a shot and found relief in the hell below, where he was +promptly tumbled out of the saddle by a bullet. + +Our line, with its reserve brigades, was about a mile and a half long, +both flanks on the river, above and below the town--a mere bridge-head. It +did not look a very formidable obstacle to the march of an army of more +than forty thousand men. In a more tranquil temper than his failure at +Spring Hill had put him into Hood would probably have passed around our +left and turned us out with ease--which would justly have entitled him to +the Humane Society's great gold medal. Apparently that was not his day for +saving life. + +About the middle of the afternoon our field-glasses picked up the +Confederate head-of-column emerging from the range of hills previously +mentioned, where it is cut by the Columbia road. But--ominous +circumstance!--it did not come on. It turned to its left, at a right +angle, moving along the base of the hills, parallel to our line. Other +heads-of-column came through other gaps and over the crests farther along, +impudently deploying on the level ground with a spectacular display of +flags and glitter of arms. I do not remember that they were molested, even +by the guns of General Wagner, who had been foolishly posted with two +small brigades across the turnpike, a half-mile in our front, where he was +needless for apprisal and powerless for resistance. My recollection is +that our fellows down there in their shallow trenches noted these +portentous dispositions without the least manifestation of incivility. As +a matter of fact, many of them were permitted by their compassionate +officers to sleep. And truly it was good weather for that: sleep was in +the very atmosphere. The sun burned crimson in a gray-blue sky through a +delicate Indian-summer haze, as beautiful as a day-dream in paradise. If +one had been given to moralizing one might have found material a-plenty +for homilies in the contrast between that peaceful autumn afternoon and +the bloody business that it had in hand. If any good chaplain failed to +"improve the occasion" let us hope that he lived to lament in +sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses his intellectual unthrift. + +The putting of that army into battle shape--its change from columns into +lines--could not have occupied more than an hour or two, yet it seemed an +eternity. Its leisurely evolutions were irritating, but at last it moved +forward with atoning rapidity and the fight was on. First, the storm +struck Wagner's isolated brigades, which, vanishing in fire and smoke, +instantly reappeared as a confused mass of fugitives inextricably +intermingled with their pursuers. They had not stayed the advance a +moment, and as might have been foreseen were now a peril to the main line, +which could protect itself only by the slaughter of its friends. To the +right and left, however, our guns got into play, and simultaneously a +furious infantry fire broke out along the entire front, the paralyzed +center excepted. But nothing could stay those gallant rebels from a +hand-to-hand encounter with bayonet and butt, and it was accorded to them +with hearty good-will. + +Meantime Wagner's conquerors were pouring across the breastwork like water +over a dam. The guns that had spared the fugitives had now no time to +fire; their infantry supports gave way and for a space of more than two +hundred yards in the very center of our line the assailants, mad with +exultation, had everything their own way. From the right and the left +their gray masses converged into the gap, pushed through, and then, +spreading, turned our men out of the works so hardly held against the +attack in their front. From our viewpoint on the bluff we could mark the +constant widening of the gap, the steady encroachment of that blazing and +smoking mass against its disordered opposition. + +"It is all up with us," said Captain Dawson, of Wood's staff; "I am going +to have a quiet smoke." + +I do not doubt that he supposed himself to have borne the heat and burden +of the strife. In the midst of his preparations for a smoke he paused and +looked again--a new tumult of musketry had broken loose. Colonel Emerson +Opdycke had rushed his reserve brigade into the _mêlée_ and was bitterly +disputing the Confederate advantage. Other fresh regiments joined in the +countercharge, commanderless groups of retreating men returned to their +work, and there ensued a hand-to-hand contest of incredible fury. Two +long, irregular, mutable, and tumultuous blurs of color were consuming +each other's edge along the line of contact. Such devil's work does not +last long, and we had the great joy to see it ending, not as it began, but +"more nearly to the heart's desire." Slowly the mobile blur moved away +from the town, and presently the gray half of it dissolved into its +elemental units, all in slow recession. The retaken guns in the embrasures +pushed up towering clouds of white smoke; to east and to west along the +reoccupied parapet ran a line of misty red till the spitfire crest was +without a break from flank to flank. Probably there was some Yankee +cheering, as doubtless there had been the "rebel yell," but my memory +recalls neither. There are many battles in a war, and many incidents in a +battle: one does not recollect everything. Possibly I have not a retentive +ear. + +While this lively work had been doing in the center, there had been no +lack of diligence elsewhere, and now all were as busy as bees. I have read +of many "successive attacks"--"charge after charge"--but I think the only +assaults after the first were those of the second Confederate lines and +possibly some of the reserves; certainly there were no visible abatement +and renewal of effort anywhere except where the men who had been pushed +out of the works backward tried to reenter. And all the time there was +fighting. + +After resetting their line the victors could not clear their front, for +the baffled assailants would not desist. All over the open country in +their rear, clear back to the base of the hills, drifted the wreck of +battle, the wounded that were able to walk; and through the receding +throng pushed forward, here and there, horsemen with orders and footmen +whom we knew to be bearing ammunition. There were no wagons, no caissons: +the enemy was not using, and could not use, his artillery. Along the line +of fire we could see, dimly in the smoke, mounted officers, singly and in +small groups, attempting to force their horses across the slight parapet, +but all went down. Of this devoted band was the gallant General Adams, +whose body was found upon the slope, and whose animal's forefeet were +actually inside the crest. General Cleburne lay a few paces farther out, +and five or six other general officers sprawled elsewhere. It was a great +day for Confederates in the line of promotion. + +For many minutes at a time broad spaces of battle were veiled in smoke. Of +what might be occurring there conjecture gave a terrifying report. In a +visible peril observation is a kind of defense; against the unseen we lift +a trembling hand. Always from these regions of obscurity we expected the +worst, but always the lifted cloud revealed an unaltered situation. + +The assailants began to give way. There was no general retreat; at many +points the fight continued, with lessening ferocity and lengthening range, +well into the night. It became an affair of twinkling musketry and broad +flares of artillery; then it sank to silence in the dark. + +Under orders to continue his retreat, Schofield could now do so +unmolested: Hood had suffered so terrible a loss in life and _morale_ that +he was in no condition for effective pursuit. As at Spring Hill, daybreak +found us on the road with all our impedimenta except some of our wounded, +and that night we encamped under the protecting guns of Thomas, at +Nashville. Our gallant enemy audaciously followed, and fortified himself +within rifle-reach, where he remained for two weeks without firing a gun +and was then destroyed. + + +'WAY DOWN IN ALABAM' + +At the break-up of the great Rebellion I found myself at Selma, Alabama, +still in the service of the United States, and although my duties were now +purely civil my treatment was not uniformly so, and I am not surprised +that it was not. I was a minor official in the Treasury Department, +engaged in performance of duties exceedingly disagreeable not only to the +people of the vicinity, but to myself as well. They consisted in the +collection and custody of "captured and abandoned property." The Treasury +had covered pretty nearly the entire area of "the States lately in +rebellion" with a hierarchy of officials, consisting, as nearly as memory +serves, of one supervising agent and a multitude of special agents. Each +special agent held dominion over a collection district and was allowed an +"agency aide" to assist him in his purposeful activity, besides such +clerks, laborers and so forth as he could persuade himself to need. My +humble position was that of agency aide. When the special agent was +present for duty I was his chief executive officer; in his absence I +represented him (with greater or less fidelity to the original and to my +conscience) and was invested with his powers. In the Selma agency the +property that we were expected to seize and defend as best we might was +mostly plantations (whose owners had disappeared; some were dead, others +in hiding) and cotton. The country was full of cotton which had been sold +to the Confederate Government, but not removed from the plantations to +take its chance of export through the blockade. It had been decided that +it now belonged to the United States. It was worth about five hundred +dollars a bale--say one dollar a pound. The world agreed that that was a +pretty good price for cotton. + +Naturally the original owners, having received nothing for their product +but Confederate money which the result of the war had made worthless, +manifested an unamiable reluctance to give it up, for if they could market +it for themselves it would more than recoup them for all their losses in +the war. They had therefore exercised a considerable ingenuity in effacing +all record of its transfer to the Confederate Government, obliterating the +marks on the bales, and hiding these away in swamps and other +inconspicuous places, fortifying their claims to private ownership with +appalling affidavits and "covering their tracks" in an infinite variety of +ways generally. + +In effecting their purpose they encountered many difficulties. Cotton in +bales is not very portable property; it requires for movement and +concealment a good deal of coöperation by persons having no interest in +keeping the secret and easily accessible to the blandishments of those +interested in tracing it. The negroes, by whom the work was necessarily +done, were zealous to pay for emancipation by fidelity to the new +_régime_, and many poor devils among them forfeited their lives by +services performed with more loyalty than discretion. Railways--even those +having a more than nominal equipment of rails and rolling stock--were +unavailable for secret conveyance of the cotton. Navigating the Alabama +and Tombigbee rivers were a few small steamboats, the half-dozen pilots +familiar with these streams exacting one hundred dollars a day for their +services; but our agents, backed by military authority, were at all the +principal shipping points and no boat could leave without their consent. +The port of Mobile was in our hands and the lower waters were patrolled by +gunboats. Cotton might, indeed, be dumped down a "slide" by night at some +private landing and fall upon the deck of a steamer idling innocently +below. It might even arrive at Mobile, but secretly to transfer it to a +deep-water vessel and get it out of the country--that was a dream. + +On the movement of private cotton we put no restrictions; and such were +the freight rates that it was possible to purchase a steamboat at Mobile, +go up the river in ballast, bring down a cargo of cotton and make a +handsome profit, after deducting the cost of the boat and all expenses of +the venture, including the wage of the pilot. With no great knowledge of +"business" I venture to think that in Alabama in the latter part of the +year of grace 1865 commercial conditions were hardly normal. + +Nor were social conditions what I trust they have now become. There was no +law in the country except of the unsatisfactory sort known as "martial," +and that was effective only within areas covered by the guns of isolated +forts and the physical activities of their small garrisons. True, there +were the immemorial laws of self-preservation and retaliation, both of +which were liberally interpreted. The latter was faithfully administered, +mostly against straggling Federal soldiers and too zealous government +officials. When my chief had been ordered to Selma he had arrived just in +time to act as sole mourner at the funeral of his predecessor--who had had +the bad luck to interpret his instructions in a sense that was +disagreeable to a gentleman whose interests were affected by the +interpretation. Early one pleasant morning shortly afterward two United +States marshals were observed by the roadside in a suburb of the town. +They looked comfortable enough there in the sunshine, but each + + had that across his throat + Which you had hardly cared to see. + +When dispatched on business of a delicate nature men in the service of the +agency had a significant trick of disappearing--they were of "the +unreturning brave." Really the mortality among the unacclimated in the +Selma district at that time was excessive. When my chief and I parted at +dinner time (our palates were not in harmony) we commonly shook hands and +tried to say something memorable that was worthy to serve as "last words." +We had been in the army together and had many a time gone into battle +without having taken that precaution in the interest of history. + +Of course the better class of the people were not accountable for this +state of affairs, and I do not remember that I greatly blamed the others. +The country was full of the "elements of combustion." The people were +impoverished and smarting with a sense of defeat. Organized resistance was +no longer possible, but many men trained to the use of arms did not +consider themselves included in the surrender and conscientiously believed +it both right and expedient to prolong the struggle by private enterprise. +Many, no doubt, made the easy and natural transition from soldiering to +assassination by insensible degrees, unconscious of the moral difference, +such as it is. Selma was little better than a ruin; in the concluding +period of the war General Wilson's cavalry had raided it and nearly +destroyed it, and the work begun by the battery had been completed by the +torch. The conflagration was generally attributed to the negroes, who +certainly augmented it, for a number of those suspected of the crime were +flung into the flames by the maddened populace. None the less were the +Yankee invaders held responsible. + +Every Northern man represented some form or phase of an authority which +these luckless people horribly hated, and to which they submitted only +because, and in so far as, they had to. Fancy such a community, utterly +without the restraints of law and with no means of ascertaining public +opinion--for newspapers were not--denied even the moral advantage of the +pulpit! Considering what human nature has the misfortune to be, it is +wonderful that there was so little of violence and crime. + +As the carcass invites the vulture, this prostrate land drew adventurers +from all points of the compass. Many, I am sorry to say, were in the +service of the United States Government. Truth to tell, the special agents +of the Treasury were themselves, as a body, not altogether spotless. I +could name some of them, and some of their assistants, who made large +fortunes by their opportunities. The special agents were allowed +one-fourth of the value of the confiscated cotton for expenses of +collection--none too much, considering the arduous and perilous character +of the service; but the plan opened up such possibilities of fraud as have +seldom been accorded by any system of conducting the public business, and +never without disastrous results to official morality. Against bribery no +provision could have provided an adequate safeguard; the magnitude of the +interests involved was too great, the administration of the trust too +loose and irresponsible. The system as it was, hastily devised in the +storm and stress of a closing war, broke down in the end, and it is +doubtful if the Government might not more profitably have let the +"captured and abandoned property" alone. + +As an instance of the temptations to which we were exposed, and of our +tactical dispositions in resistance, I venture to relate a single +experience of my own. During an absence of my chief I got upon the trail +of a lot of cotton--seven hundred bales, as nearly as I now +recollect--which had been hidden with so exceptional ingenuity that I was +unable to trace it. One day there came to my office two well-dressed and +mannerly fellows who suffered me to infer that they knew all about this +cotton and controlled it. When our conference on the subject ended it was +past dinner time and they civilly invited me to dine with them, which, in +hope of eliciting information over the wine, I did. I knew well enough +that they indulged a similar selfish hope, so I had no scruples about +using their hospitality to their disadvantage if I could. The subject, +however, was not mentioned at table, and we were all singularly abstemious +in the matter of champagne--so much so that as we rose from a rather long +session at the board we disclosed our sense of the ludicrousness of the +situation by laughing outright. Nevertheless, neither party would accept +defeat, and for the next few weeks the war of hospitality was fast and +furious. We dined together nearly every day, sometimes at my expense, +sometimes at theirs. We drove, rode, walked, played at billiards and made +many a night of it; but youth and temperance (in drink) pulled me through +without serious inroads on my health. We had early come to an +understanding and a deadlock. Failing to get the slenderest clew to the +location of the cotton I offered them one-fourth if they would surrender +it or disclose its hiding-place; they offered me one-fourth if I would +sign a permit for its shipment as private property. + +All things have an end, and this amusing contest finally closed. Over the +remains of a farewell dinner, unusually luxurious, as befitted the +occasion, we parted with expressions of mutual esteem--not, I hope, +altogether insincere, and the ultimate fate of the cotton is to me +unknown. Up to the date of my departure from the agency not a bale of it +had either come into possession of the Government or found an outlet. I am +sometimes disloyal enough to indulge myself in the hope that they baffled +my successors as skilfully as they did me. One cannot help feeling a +certain tenderness for men who know and value a good dinner. + +Another corrupt proposal that I had the good fortune to be afraid to +entertain came, as it were, from within. There was a dare-devil fellow +whom, as I know him to be dead, I feel justified in naming Jack Harris. He +was engaged in all manner of speculative ventures on his own account, but +the special agent had so frequently employed him in "enterprises of great +pith and moment" that he was in a certain sense and to a certain extent +one of us. He seemed to me at the time unique, but shortly afterward I had +learned to classify him as a type of the Californian adventurer with whose +peculiarities of manner, speech and disposition most of us are to-day +familiar enough. He never spoke of his past, having doubtless good reasons +for reticence, but any one learned in Western slang--a knowledge then +denied me--would have catalogued him with infallible accuracy. He was a +rather large, strong fellow, swarthy, black-bearded, black-eyed, +black-hearted and entertaining, no end; ignorant with an ignorance whose +frankness redeemed it from offensiveness, vulgar with a vulgarity that +expressed itself in such metaphors and similes as would have made its +peace with the most implacable refinement. He drank hard, gambled high, +swore like a parrot, scoffed at everything, was openly and proudly a +rascal, did not know the meaning of fear, borrowed money abundantly, and +squandered it with royal disregard. Desiring one day to go to Mobile, but +reluctant to leave Montgomery and its pleasures--unwilling to quit +certainty for hope--he persuaded the captain of a loaded steamboat to wait +four days for him at an expense of $400 a day; and lest time should hang +too heavy on the obliging skipper's hands, Jack permitted him to share the +orgies gratis. But that is not my story. + +One day Jack came to me with a rather more sinful proposal than he had +heretofore done me the honor to submit. He knew of about a thousand bales +of cotton, some of it private property, some of it confiscable, stored at +various points on the banks of the Alabama. He had a steamboat in +readiness, "with a gallant, gallant crew," and he proposed to drop quietly +down to the various landings by night, seize the cotton, load it on his +boat and make off down the river. What he wanted from me, and was willing +to pay for, was only my official signature to some blank shipping permits; +or if I would accompany the expedition and share its fortunes no papers +would be necessary. In declining this truly generous offer I felt that I +owed it to Jack to give him a reason that he was capable of understanding, +so I explained to him the arrangements at Mobile, which would prevent him +from transferring his cargo to a ship and getting the necessary papers +permitting her to sail. He was astonished and, I think, pained by my +simplicity. Did I think him a fool? He did not purpose--not he--to +tranship at all: the perfected plan was to dispense with all hampering +formality by slipping through Mobile Bay in the black of the night and +navigating his laden river craft across the Gulf to Havana! The rascal was +in dead earnest, and that natural timidity of disposition which compelled +me to withhold my coöperation greatly lowered me in his esteem, I fear. + +It was in Cuba, by the way, that Jack came to grief some years later. He +was one of the crew of the filibustering vessel _Virginius_, and was +captured and shot along with the others. Something in his demeanor as he +knelt in the line to receive the fatal fusillade prompted a priest to +inquire his religion. "I am an atheist, by God!" said Jack, and with this +quiet profession of faith that gentle spirit winged its way to other +tropics. + +Having expounded with some particularity the precarious tenure by which I +held my office and my life in those "thrilling regions" where my duties +lay, I ought to explain by what unhappy chance I am still able to afflict +the reader. There lived in Selma a certain once wealthy and still +influential citizen, whose two sons, of about my own age, had served as +officers in the Confederate Army. I will designate them simply as Charles +and Frank. They were types of a class now, I fear, almost extinct. Born +and bred in luxury and knowing nothing of the seamy side of life--except, +indeed, what they had learned in the war--well educated, brave, generous, +sensitive to points of honor, and of engaging manners, these brothers were +by all respected, by many loved and by some feared. For they had quick +fingers upon the pistol-trigger withal, and would rather fight a duel than +eat--nay, drink. Nor were they over-particular about the combat taking the +form of a duel--almost any form was good enough. I made their acquaintance +by chance and cultivated it for the pleasure it gave me. It was long +afterward that I gave a thought to its advantages; but from the time that +I became generally known as their friend my safety was assured through all +that region; an army with banners could not have given me the same +immunity from danger, obstruction or even insult in the performance of my +disagreeable duties. What glorious fellows they were, to be sure--these my +late antagonists of the dark days when, God forgive us, we were trying to +cut one another's throat. To this day I feel a sense of regret when I +think of my instrumentality, however small, in depriving the world of many +such men in the criminal insanity that we call battle. + +Life in Selma became worth living even as the chance of living it +augmented. With my new friends and a friend of theirs, whose name--the +more shame to me--I cannot now recall, but should not write here if I +could, I passed most of my leisure hours. At the houses of themselves and +their friends I did most of my dining; and, heaven be praised! there was +no necessity for moderation in wine. In their society I committed my sins, +and together beneath that noble orb unknown to colder skies, the Southern +moon, we atoned for them by acts of devotion performed with song and lute +beneath the shrine window of many a local divinity. + +One night we had an adventure. We were out late--so late that it was night +only astronomically. The streets were "deserted and drear," and, of +course, unlighted--the late Confederacy had no gas and no oil. +Nevertheless, we saw that we were followed. A man keeping at a fixed +distance behind turned as we turned, paused as we paused, and pursued as +we moved on. We stopped, went back and remonstrated; asked his intentions +in, I dare say, no gentle words. He gave us no reply, but as we left him +he followed. Again we stopped, and I felt my pistol plucked out of my +pocket. Frank had unceremoniously possessed himself of it and was +advancing on the enemy. I do not remember if I had any wish to interpose a +protest--anyhow there was no time. Frank fired and the man fell. In a +moment all the chamber-windows in the street were thrown open with a head +visible (and audible) in each. We told Frank to go home, which to our +surprise he did; the rest of us, assisted by somebody's private +policeman--who afterward apprised us that we were in arrest--carried the +man to a hotel. It was found that his leg was broken above the knee, and +the next day it was amputated. We paid his surgeon and his hotel bill, and +when he had sufficiently recovered sent him to an address which he gave us +in Mobile; but not a word could anybody get out of him as to who he had +the misfortune to be, or why he had persisted, against the light, in +following a quartet of stray revelers. + +On the morning of the shooting, when everything possible had been done for +the comfort of the victim, we three accomplices were released on our own +recognizance by an old gentleman of severe aspect, who had resumed his +function of justice of the peace where he had laid it down during the war. +I did not then know that he had no more legal authority than I had myself, +and I was somewhat disturbed in mind as I reflected on the possibilities +of the situation. The opportunity to get rid of an offensive Federal +official must of course be very tempting, and after all the shooting was a +trifle hasty and not altogether justifiable. + +On the day appointed for our preliminary examination, all of us except +Frank were released and put on the witness-stand. We gave a true and +congruent history of the affair. The holdover justice listened to it all +very patiently and then, with commendable brevity and directness of +action, fined Frank five dollars and costs for disorderly conduct. There +was no appeal. + +There were queer characters in Alabama in those days, as you shall see. +Once upon a time the special agent and I started down the Tombigbee River +with a steamboat load of government cotton--some six hundred bales. At one +of the military stations we took on a guard of a dozen or fifteen soldiers +under command of a non-commissioned officer. One evening, just before +dusk, as we were rounding a bend where the current set strongly against +the left bank of the stream and the channel lay close to that shore, we +were suddenly saluted with a volley of bullets and buckshot from that +direction. The din of the firing, the rattle and crash of the missiles +splintering the woodwork and the jingle of broken glass made a very rude +arousing from the tranquil indolence of a warm afternoon on the sluggish +Tombigbee. The left bank, which at this point was a trifle higher than the +hurricane deck of a steamer, was now swarming with men who, almost near +enough to jump aboard, looked unreasonably large and active as they sprang +about from cover to cover, pouring in their fire. At the first volley the +pilot had deserted his wheel, as well he might, and the boat, drifting in +to the bank under the boughs of a tree, was helpless. Her jackstaff and +yawl were carried away, her guards broken in, and her deck-load of cotton +was tumbling into the stream a dozen bales at once. The captain was +nowhere to be seen, the engineer had evidently abandoned his post and the +special agent had gone to hunt up the soldiers. I happened to be on the +hurricane deck, armed with a revolver, which I fired as rapidly as I +could, listening all the time for the fire of the soldiers--and listening +in vain. It transpired later that they had not a cartridge among them; and +of all helpless mortals a soldier without a cartridge is the most +imbecile. But all this time the continuous rattle of the enemy's guns and +the petulant pop of my own pocket firearm were punctuated, as it were, by +pretty regularly recurring loud explosions, as of a small cannon. They +came from somewhere forward--I supposed from the opposition, as I knew we +had no artillery on board. + +The failure of our military guard made the situation somewhat grave. For +two of us, at least, capture meant hanging out of hand. I had never been +hanged in all my life and was not enamored of the prospect. Fortunately +for us the bandits had selected their point of attack without military +foresight. Immediately below them a bayou, impassable to them, let into +the river. The moment we had drifted below it we were safe from boarding +and capture. The captain was found in hiding and an empty pistol at his +ear persuaded him to resume command of his vessel; the engineer and pilot +were encouraged to go back to their posts and after some remarkably long +minutes, during which we were under an increasingly long-range fire, we +got under way. A few cotton bales piled about the pilot-house made us +tolerably safe from that sort of thing in the future and then we took +account of our damages. Nobody had been killed and only a few were +wounded. This gratifying result was attributable to the fact that, being +unarmed, nearly everybody had dived below at the first fire and taken +cover among the cotton bales. While issuing a multitude of needless +commands from the front of the hurricane-deck I looked below, and there, +stretched out at full length on his stomach, lay a long, ungainly person, +clad in faded butternut, bare-headed, his long, lank hair falling down +each side of his neck, his coat-tails similarly parted, and his enormous +feet spreading their soles to the blue sky. He had an old-fashioned +horse-pistol, some two feet long, which he was in the act of sighting +across his left palm for a parting shot at the now distant assailants. A +more ludicrous figure I never saw; I laughed outright; but when his weapon +went off it was matter for gratitude to be above it instead of before it. +It was the "cannon" whose note I had marked all through the unequal fray. + +The fellow was a returned Confederate whom we had taken on at one of the +upper landings as our only passenger; we were dead-heading him to Mobile. +He was undoubtedly in hearty sympathy with the enemy, and I at first +suspected him of collusion, but circumstances not necessary to detail here +rendered this impossible. Moreover, I had distinctly seen one of the +"guerrillas" fall and remain down after my own weapon was empty, and no +man else on board except the passenger had fired a shot or had a shot to +fire. When everything had been made snug again, and we were gliding along +under the stars, without apprehension; when I had counted fifty-odd bullet +holes through the pilot-house (which had not received the attention that +by its prominence and importance it was justly entitled to) and everybody +was variously boasting his prowess, I approached my butternut +comrade-in-arms and thanked him for his kindly aid. "But," said I, "how +the devil does it happen that _you_ fight _that_ crowd?" + +"Wal, Cap," he drawled, as he rubbed the powder grime from his antique +artillery, "I allowed it was mouty clever in you-all to take me on, seein' +I hadn't ary cent, so I thought I'd jist kinder work my passage." + + +WORKING FOR AN EMPRESS + +In the spring of 1874 I was living in the pretty English town of +Leamington, a place that will be remembered by most Americans who have +visited the grave of Shakespeare at Stratford-on-Avon, or by personal +inspection of the ruins of Kenilworth Castle have verified their knowledge +of English history derived from Scott's incomparable romance. I was at +that time connected with several London newspapers, among them the +_Figaro_, a small weekly publication, semi-humorous, semi-theatrical, with +a remarkable aptitude for managing the political affairs of France in the +interest of the Imperialists. This last peculiarity it owed to the +personal sympathies of its editor and proprietor, Mr. James Mortimer, a +gentleman who for some twenty years before the overthrow of the Empire had +lived in Paris. Mr. Mortimer had been a personal friend of the Emperor and +Empress, and on the flight of the latter to England had rendered her +important service; and after the release of the Emperor from captivity +among the Germans Mr. Mortimer was a frequent visitor to the imperial +exiles at Chiselhurst. + +One day at Leamington my London mail brought a letter from Mr. Mortimer, +informing me that he intended to publish a new satirical journal, which he +wished me to write. I was to do all the writing, he the editing; and it +would not be necessary for me to come up to London; I could send +manuscript by mail. The new journal was not to appear at stated periods, +but "occasionally." Would I submit to him a list of suitable titles for +it, from which he could make a selection? + +With some surprise at what seemed to me the singularly whimsical and +unbusiness-like features of the enterprise I wrote him earnestly advising +him either to abandon it or materially to modify his plan. I represented +to him that such a journal, so conducted, could not in my judgment +succeed; but he was obdurate and after a good deal of correspondence I +consented to do all the writing if he was willing to do all the losing +money. I submitted a number of names which I thought suitable for the +paper, but all were rejected, and he finally wrote that he had decided to +call the new journal _The Lantern_. This decision elicited from me another +energetic protest. The title was not original, but obviously borrowed from +M. Rochefort's famous journal, _La Lanterne_. True, that publication was +dead, and its audacious editor deported to New Caledonia with his +Communistic following; but the name could hardly be agreeable to Mr. +Mortimer's Imperialist friends, particularly the Empress--the Emperor was +then dead. To my surprise Mr. Mortimer not only adhered to his resolution +but suggested the propriety of my taking M. Rochefort's late lamented +journal as a model for our own. This I flatly declined to do and carried +my point; I was delighted to promise, however, that the new paper should +resemble the old in one particular: it should be irritatingly +disrespectful of existing institutions and exalted personages. + +On the 18th of May, 1874, there was published at the corner of St. Bride +Street and Shoe Lane, E.C., London, the first number of "_The +Lantern_--Appearing Occasionally. Illuminated by Faustin. Price, +sixpence." It was a twelve-page paper with four pages of superb +illustrations in six colors. I winced when I contemplated its artistic and +mechanical excellence, for I knew at what a price that quality had been +obtained. A gold mine would be required to maintain that journal, and that +journal could by no means ever be itself a gold mine. A copy lies before +me as I write and noting it critically I cannot help thinking that the +illuminated title-page of this pioneer in the field of chromatic +journalism is the finest thing of the kind that ever came from a press. + +Of the literary contents I am less qualified for judgment, inasmuch as I +wrote every line in the paper. It may perhaps be said without immodesty +that the new "candidate for popular favor" was not distinguished by +servile flattery of the British character and meek subservience to the +British Government, as might perhaps be inferred from the following +extract from an article on General Sir Garnet Wolseley, who had just +received the thanks of his Sovereign and a munificent reward from +Parliament for his successful plundering expedition through Ashantee: + +"We feel a comfortable sense of satisfaction in the thought that _The +Lantern_ will never fail to shed the light of its loyal approval upon any +unworthy act by which our country shall secure an adequate and permanent +advantage. When the great heart of England is stirred by quick cupidity to +profitable crime, far be it from us to lift our palms in deprecation. In +the wrangle for existence nations, equally with individuals, work by +diverse means to a common end--the spoiling of the weak; and when by +whatever of outrage we have pushed a feeble competitor to the wall, in +Heaven's name let us pin him fast and relieve his pockets of the material +good to which, in bestowing it upon him, the bountiful Lord has invited +our thieving hand. But these Ashantee women were not worth garroting. +Their fal-lals, precious to them, are worthless to us; the entire loot +fetched only £11,000--of which sum the man who brought home the trinkets +took a little more than four halves. We submit that with practiced agents +in every corner of the world and a watchful government at home this great +commercial nation might dispose of its honor to better advantage." + +With the candor of repentance it may now be confessed that, however +unscrupulous it may be abroad, a government which tolerates this kind of +criticism cannot rightly be charged with tyranny at home. + +By way (as I supposed) of gratitude to M. Rochefort for the use of the +title of his defunct journal it had been suggested by Mr. Mortimer that he +be given a little wholesome admonition here and there in the paper and I +had cheerfully complied. M. Rochefort had escaped from New Caledonia some +months before. A disagreeable cartoon was devised for his discomfort and +he received a number of such delicate attentions as that following, which +in the issue of July 15th greeted him on his arrival in England along with +his distinguished compatriot, M. Pascal Grousset: + +"M. Rochefort is a gentleman who has lost his standing. There have been +greater falls than his. Kings before now have become servitors, honest men +bandits, thieves communists. Insignificant in his fortunes as in his +abilities, M. Rochefort, who was never very high, is not now very low--he +has avoided the falsehood of extremes: never quite a count, he is now but +half a convict. Having missed the eminence that would have given him +calumniation, he is also denied the obscurity that would bring +misconstruction. He is not even a _miserable_; he is a person. It is +curious to note how persistently this man has perverted his gifts. With +talents that might have corrupted panegyric, he preferred to refine +detraction; fitted to disgrace the _salon_, he has elected to adorn the +cell; the qualities that would have endeared him to a blackguard he has +wasted upon Pascal Grousset. + +"As we write, it is reported that this person is in England. It is further +affirmed that it is his intention to proceed to Belgium or Switzerland to +fight certain journalists who have not had the courtesy to suppress the +truth about him, though he never told it of them. We presume, however, +this rumor is false; M. Rochefort must retain enough of the knowledge he +acquired when he was esteemed a gentleman to be aware that a meeting +between him and a journalist is now impossible. This is the more to be +regretted, because M. Paul de Cassagnac would have much pleasure in taking +M. Rochefort's life and we in lamenting his fall. + +"M. Rochefort, we believe, is already suffering from an unhealed wound. It +is his mouth." + +There was a good deal of such "scurril jesting" in the paper, especially +in a department called "Prattle." There were verses on all manner of +subjects--mostly the nobility and their works and ways, from the viewpoint +of disapproval--and epigrams, generally ill-humorous, like the following, +headed "_Novum Organum_": + + "In Bacon see the culminating prime + Of British intellect and British crime. + He died, and Nature, settling his affairs, + Parted his powers among us, his heirs: + To each a pinch of common-sense, for seed, + And, to develop it, a pinch of greed. + Each frugal heir, to make the gift suffice, + Buries the talent to manure the vice." + +When the first issue of _The Lantern_ appeared I wrote to Mr. Mortimer, +again urging him to modify his plans and alter the character of the +journal. He replied that it suited him as it was and he would let me know +when to prepare "copy" for the second number. That eventually appeared on +July 15th. I never was instructed to prepare any more copy, and there has +been, I believe, no further issue of that interesting sheet as yet. + +Taking a retrospective view of this singular venture in journalism, one +day, the explanation of the whole matter came to my understanding in the +light of a revelation, and was confirmed later by Mr. Mortimer. + +In the days when Napoleon III was at the zenith of his glory and power +there was a thorn in his side. It was the pen of M. Henri Rochefort, le +Comte de Luçay, journalist and communard. Despite fines, "suppressions," +and imprisonments, this gifted writer and unscrupulous blackguard had, as +every one knows, made incessant war upon the Empire and all its +_personnel_. The bitter and unfair attacks of his paper, _La Lanterne_, +made life at the Tuilleries exceedingly uncomfortable. His rancor against +the Empress was something horrible, and went to the length of denying the +legitimacy of the Prince Imperial. His existence was a menace and a terror +to the illustrious lady, even when she was in exile at Chiselhurst and he +in confinement on the distant island of New Caledonia. When the news of +his escape from that penal colony arrived at Chiselhurst the widowed +Empress was in despair; and when, on his way to England, he announced his +intention of reviving _La Lanterne_ in London (of course he dared not +cross the borders of France) she was utterly prostrated by the fear of his +pitiless animosity. But what could she do? Not prevent the revival of his +dreadful newspaper, certainly, but--well, she could send for Mr. Mortimer. +That ingenious gentleman was not long at a loss for an expedient that +would accomplish what was possible. He shut Rochefort out of London by +forestalling him. At the very time when Mortimer was asking me to suggest +a suitable name for the new satirical journal he had already registered at +Stationers' Hall--that is to say, copyrighted--the title of _The Lantern_, +a precaution which M. Rochefort's French friends had neglected to take, +although they had expended thousands of pounds in a plant for their +venture. Mr. Mortimer cruelly permitted them to go on with their costly +preparations, and the first intimation they had that the field was +occupied came from the newsdealers selling _The Lantern_. After some +futile attempts at relief and redress, M. Rochefort took himself off and +set up his paper in Belgium. + +The expenses of _The Lantern_--including a generous _douceur_ to +myself--were all defrayed by the Empress. She was the sole owner of it +and, I was gratified to learn, took so lively an interest in her venture +that a special French edition was printed for her private reading. I was +told that she especially enjoyed the articles on M. le Comte de Luçay, +though I dare say some of the delicate subtleties of their literary style +were lost in translation. + +Being in London later in the year, I received through Mortimer an +invitation to visit the poor lady, _en famille_, at Chiselhurst; but as +the iron rules of imperial etiquette, even in exile, required that the +hospitable request be made in the form of a "command," my republican +independence took alarm and I had the incivility to disobey; and I still +think it a sufficient distinction to be probably the only American +journalist who was ever employed by an Empress in so congenial a pursuit +as the pursuit of another journalist. + + +ACROSS THE PLAINS + +That noted pioneer, General John Bidwell, of California, once made a +longish step up the western slope of our American Parnassus by an account +of his journey "across the plains" seven years before the lamented Mr. +Marshall had found the least and worst of all possible reasons for making +the "trek." General Bidwell had not the distinction to be a great writer, +but in order to command admiration and respect in that province of the +Republic of Letters which lies in the Sacramento Valley above the mouth of +the Yuba the gift of writing greatly is a needless endowment. Nevertheless +I read his narrative with an interest which on analysis turns out to be a +by-product of personal experience: among my youthful indiscretions was a +journey over much of the same ground, which I took in much the same +way--as did many thousands before and after. + +It was a far cry from 1841 to 1866, yet the country between the Missouri +River and the Sierra Nevada had not greatly improved: civilization had +halted at the river, awaiting transportation. A railroad had set out from +Omaha westward, and another at Sacramento was solemnly considering the +impossible suggestion of going eastward to meet it. There were lunatics in +those days, as there are in these. I left the one road a few miles out of +the Nebraskan village and met the other at Dutch Flat, in California. + +Waste no compassion on the loneliness of my journey: a thriving colony of +Mormons had planted itself in the valley of Salt Lake and there were +"forts" at a few points along the way, where ambitious young army officers +passed the best years of their lives guarding live stock and teaching the +mysteries of Hardee's tactics to that alien patriot, the American regular. +There was a dusty wagon road, bordered with bones--not always those of +animals--with an occasional mound, sometimes dignified with a warped and +rotting head-board bearing an illegible inscription. (One inscription not +entirely illegible is said to have concluded with this touching tribute to +the worth of the departed: "He was a good egg." Another was: "He done his +damnedest") In other particulars the "Great American Desert" of our +fathers was very like what it was when General Bidwell's party traversed +it with that hereditary instinct, that delicacy of spiritual nose which +served the Western man of that day in place of a map and guide-book. +Westward the course of empire had taken its way, but excepting these poor +vestiges it had for some fifteen hundred miles left no trace of its march. +The Indian of the plains had as yet seen little to unsettle his assurance +of everlasting dominion. Of the slender lines of metal creeping slowly +toward him from East and West he knew little; and had he known more, how +could he have foreseen their momentous effect upon his "ancient solitary +reign"? + +I remember very well, as so many must, some of the marked features of the +route that General Bidwell mentions. One of the most imposing of these is +Court House Rock, near the North Platte. Surely no object of such dignity +ever had a more belittling name--given it in good faith no doubt by some +untraveled wight whose county court-house was the most "reverend pile" of +which he had any conception. It should have been called the Titan's +Castle. What a gracious memory I have of the pomp and splendor of its +aspect, with the crimson glories of the setting sun fringing its outlines, +illuminating its western walls like the glow of Mammon's fires for the +witches' revel in the Hartz, and flung like banners from its crest! + +I suppose Court House Rock is familiar enough and commonplace enough to +the dwellers in that land (riparian tribes once infesting the low lands of +Ohio and Indiana and the flats of Iowa), but to me, tipsy with youth, +full-fed on Mayne Reid's romances, and now first entering the enchanted +region that he so charmingly lied about, it was a revelation and a dream. +I wish that anything in the heavens, on the earth, or in the waters under +the earth would give me now such an emotion as I experienced in the shadow +of that "great rock in a weary land." + +I was not a pilgrim, but an engineer _attaché_ to an expedition through +Dakota and Montana, to inspect some new military posts. The expedition +consisted, where the Indians preserved the peace, of the late General W.B. +Hazen, myself, a cook and a teamster; elsewhere we had an escort of +cavalry. My duty, as I was given to understand it, was to amuse the +general and other large game, make myself as comfortable as possible +without too much discomfort to others, and when in an unknown country +survey and map our route for the benefit of those who might come after. +The posts which the general was to inspect had recently been established +along a military road, one end of which was at the North Platte and the +other--there was no other end; up about Fort C.F. Smith at the foot of the +Big-Horn Mountains the road became a buffalo trail and was lost in the +weeds. But it was a useful road, for by leaving it before going too far +one could reach a place near the headwaters of the Yellowstone, where the +National Park is now. + +By a master stroke of military humor we were ordered to return (to +Washington) via Salt Lake City, San Francisco and Panama. I obeyed until I +got as far as San Francisco, where, finding myself appointed to a second +lieutenancy in the Regular Army, ingratitude, more strong than traitors' +arms, quite vanquished me: I resigned, parted from Hazen more in sorrow +than in anger and remained in California. + +I have thought since that this may have been a youthful error: the +Government probably meant no harm, and if I had served long enough I might +have become a captain. In time, if I lived, I should naturally have become +the senior captain of the Army; and then if there were another war and any +of the field officers did me the favor to paunch a bullet I should become +the junior major, certain of another step upward as soon as a number of my +superiors equal to the whole number of majors should be killed, resign or +die of old age--enchanting prospect! But I am getting a long way off the +trail. + +It was near Fort C.F. Smith that we found our first buffaloes, and +abundant they were. We had to guard our camp at night with fire and sword +to keep them from biting us as they grazed. Actually one of them +half-scalped a teamster as he lay dreaming of home with his long fair hair +commingled with the toothsome grass. His utterances as the well-meaning +beast lifted him from the ground and tried to shake the earth from his +roots were neither wise nor sweet, but they made a profound impression on +the herd, which, arching its multitude of tails, absented itself to +pastures new like an army with banners. + +At Fort C.F. Smith we parted with our _impedimenta_, and with an escort of +about two dozen cavalrymen and a few pack animals struck out on horseback +through an unexplored country northwest for old Fort Benton, on the upper +Missouri. The journey was not without its perils. Our only guide was my +compass; we knew nothing of the natural obstacles that we must encounter; +the Indians were on the warpath, and our course led us through the very +heart of their country. Luckily for us they were gathering their clans +into one great army for a descent upon the posts that we had left behind; +a little later some three thousand of them moved upon Fort Phil Kearney, +lured a force of ninety men and officers outside and slaughtered them to +the last man. This was one of the posts that we had inspected, and the +officers killed had hospitably entertained us. + +In that lively and interesting book, "Indian Fights and Fighters," Dr. +Cyrus Townsend Brady says of this "outpost of civilization": + +"The most careful watchfulness was necessary at all hours of the day and +night. The wood trains to fetch logs to the sawmills were heavily guarded. +There was fighting all the time. Casualties among the men were by no means +rare. At first it was difficult to keep men within the limits of the camp; +but stragglers who failed to return, and some who had been cut off, +scalped and left for dead, but who had crawled back to die, convinced +every one of the wisdom of the commanding officer's repeated orders and +cautions. To chronicle the constant succession of petty skirmishes would +be wearisome; yet they often resulted in torture and loss of life on the +part of the soldiers, although the Indians in most instances suffered the +more severely." + +In a footnote the author relates this characteristic instance of the +Government's inability to understand: "Just when the alarms were most +frequent a messenger came to the headquarters, announcing that a train _en +route_ from Fort Laramie, with special messengers from that post, was +corraled by Indians, and demanded immediate help. An entire company of +infantry in wagons, with a mountain howitzer and several rounds of +grapeshot, was hastened to their relief. It proved to be a train with mail +from the Laramie Commission, announcing the confirmation of a +'satisfactory treaty of peace with all the Indians of the Northwest,' and +assuring the district commander of the fact. The messenger was brought in +in safety, and _peace_ lasted until his message was delivered. So much was +gained--that the messenger did not lose his scalp." + +Through this interesting environment our expeditionary force of four men +had moved to the relief of the beleaguered post, but finding it impossible +to "raise the siege" had--with a score of troopers--pushed on to Fort C.F. +Smith, and thence into the Unknown. + +The first part of this new journey was well enough; there were game and +water. Where we swam the Yellowstone we had an abundance of both, for the +entire river valley, two or three miles wide, was dotted with elk. There +were hundreds. As we advanced they became scarce; buffalo became scarce; +bear, deer, rabbits, sage-hens, even prairie dogs gave out, and we were +near starving. Water gave out too, and starvation was a welcome state: our +hunger was so much less disagreeable than our thirst that it was a real +treat. + +However, we got to Benton, Heaven knows how and why, but we were a +sorry-looking lot, though our scalps were intact. If in all that region +there is a mountain that I have not climbed, a river that I have not swum, +an alkali pool that I have not thrust my muzzle into, or an Indian that I +have not shuddered to think about, I am ready to go back in a Pullman +sleeper and do my duty. + +From Fort Benton we came down through Helena and Virginia City, +Montana--then new mining camps--to Salt Lake, thence westward to +California. Our last bivouac was on the old camp of the Donner party, +where, in the flickering lights and dancing shadows made by our camp-fire, +I first heard the story of that awful winter, and in the fragrance of the +meat upon the coals fancied I could detect something significantly +uncanny. The meat which the Donner party had cooked at that spot was not +quite like ours. Pardon: I mean it was not like that which we cooked. + + +THE MIRAGE + +Since the overland railways have long been carrying many thousands of +persons across the elevated plateaus of the continent the mirage in many +of its customary aspects has become pretty well known to great numbers of +persons all over the Union, and the tales of early observers who came "der +blains agross" are received with a less frigid inhospitality than they +formerly were by incredulous pioneers who had come "der Horn aroundt," as +the illustrious Hans Breitmann phrases it; but in its rarer and more +marvelous manifestations, the mirage is still a rock upon which many a +reputation for veracity is wrecked remediless. With an ambition intrepidly +to brave this disaster, and possibly share it with the hundreds of devoted +souls whose disregard of the injunction never to tell an incredible truth +has branded them as hardy and impenitent liars, I purpose to note here a +few of the more remarkable illusions by which my own sense of sight has +been befooled by the freaks of the enchanter. + +It is apart from my purpose to explain the mirage scientifically, and not +altogether in my power. Every schoolboy can do so, I suppose, to the +satisfaction of his teacher if the teacher has not himself seen the +phenomenon, or has seen it only in the broken, feeble and evanescent +phases familiar to the overland passenger; but for my part I am unable to +understand how the simple causes affirmed in the text-books sufficiently +account for the infinite variety and complexity of some of the effects +said to be produced by them. But of this the reader shall judge for +himself. + +One summer morning in the upper North Platte country I rose from my +blankets, performed the pious acts of sun-worship by yawning toward the +east, kicked together the parted embers of my camp-fire, and bethought me +of water for my ablutions. We had gone into bivouac late in the night on +the open plain, and without any clear notion of where we were. There were +a half-dozen of us, our chief on a tour of inspection of the new military +posts in Wyoming. I accompanied the expedition as surveyor. Having an +aspiration for water I naturally looked about to see what might be the +prospect of obtaining it, and to my surprise and delight saw a long line +of willows, apparently some three hundred yards away. Willows implied +water, and snatching up a camp-kettle I started forward without taking the +trouble to put on my coat and hat. For the first mile or two I preserved a +certain cheerful hopefulness; but when the sun had risen farther toward +the meridian and began to affect my bare head most uncomfortably, and the +picketed horses at the camp were hull down on the horizon in the rear, and +the willows in front increased their pace out of all proportion to mine, I +began to grow discouraged and sat down on a stone to wish myself back. +Perceiving that the willows also had halted for breath I determined to +make a dash at them, leaving the camp-kettle behind to make its way back +to camp as best it could. I was now traveling "flying light," and had no +doubt of my ability to overtake the enemy, which had, however, disappeared +over the crest of a low sandhill. Ascending this I was treated to a +surprise. Right ahead of me lay a barren waste of sand extending to the +right and left as far as I could see. Its width in the direction that I +was going I judged to be about twenty miles. On its farther border the +cactus plain began again, sloping gradually upward to the horizon, along +which was a fringe of cedar trees--the willows of my vision! In that +country a cedar will not grow within thirty miles of water if it knows it. + +On my return journey I coldly ignored the appeals of the camp-kettle, and +when I met the rescuing party which had been for some hours trailing me +made no allusion to the real purpose of my excursion. When the chief asked +if I purposed to enter a plea of temporary insanity I replied that I would +reserve my defense for the present; and in fact I never did disclose it +until now. + +I had afterward the satisfaction of seeing the chief, an experienced +plainsman, consume a full hour, rifle in hand, working round to the +leeward of a dead coyote in the sure and certain hope of bagging a +sleeping buffalo. Mirage or no mirage, you must not too implicitly trust +your eyes in the fantastic atmosphere of the high plains. + +I remember that one forenoon I looked forward to the base of the Big Horn +Mountains and selected a most engaging nook for the night's camp. My good +opinion of it was confirmed when we reached it three days later. The +deception in this instance was due to nothing but the marvelous lucidity +of the atmosphere and the absence of objects of known dimensions, and +these sources of error are sometimes sufficient of themselves to produce +the most incredible illusions. When they are in alliance with the mirage +the combination's pranks are bewildering. + +One of the most grotesque and least comfortable of my experiences with the +magicians of the air occurred near the forks of the Platte. There had been +a tremendous thunder-storm, lasting all night. In the morning my party set +forward over the soaken prairie under a cloudless sky intensely blue. I +was riding in advance, absorbed in thought, when I was suddenly roused to +a sense of material things by exclamations of astonishment and +apprehension from the men behind. Looking forward, I beheld a truly +terrifying spectacle. Immediately in front, at a distance, apparently, of +not more than a quarter-mile, was a long line of the most formidable +looking monsters that the imagination ever conceived. They were taller +than trees. In them the elements of nature seemed so fantastically and +discordantly confused and blended, compounded, too, with architectural and +mechanical details, that they partook of the triple character of animals, +houses and machines. Legs they had, that an army of elephants could have +marched among; bodies that ships might have sailed beneath; heads about +which eagles might have delighted to soar, and ears--they were singularly +well gifted with ears. But wheels also they were endowed with, and vast +sides of blank wall; the wheels as large as the ring of a circus, the +walls white and high as cliffs of chalk along an English coast. Among +them, on them, beneath, in and a part of them, were figures and fragments +of figures of gigantic men. All were inextricably interblended and +superposed--a man's head and shoulders blazoned on the side of an animal; +a wheel with legs for spokes rolling along the creature's back; a vast +section of wall, having no contact with the earth, but (with a tail +hanging from its rear, like a note of admiration) moving along the line, +obscuring here an anatomical horror and disclosing there a mechanical +nightmare. In short, this appalling procession, which was crossing our +road with astonishing rapidity, seemed made up of unassigned and +unassorted units, out of which some imaginative god might be about to +create a world of giants, ready supplied with some of the appliances of a +high civilization. Yet the whole apparition had so shadowy and spectral a +look that the terror it inspired was itself vague and indefinite, like the +terror of a dream. It affected our horses as well as ourselves; they +extended their necks and threw forward their ears. For some moments we sat +in our saddles surveying the hideous and extravagant spectacle without a +word, and our tongues were loosened only when it began rapidly to diminish +and recede, and at last was resolved into a train of mules and wagons, +barely visible on the horizon. They were miles away and outlined against +the blue sky. + +I then remembered what my astonishment had not permitted me closely to +note--that this pageant had appeared to move along parallel to the foot of +a slope extending upward and backward to an immense height, intersected +with rivers and presenting all the features of a prairie landscape. The +mirage had in effect contracted the entire space between us and the train +to a pistol-shot in breadth, and had made a background for its horrible +picture by lifting into view Heaven knows how great an extent of country +below our horizon. Does refraction account for all this? To this day I +cannot without vexation remember the childish astonishment that prevented +me from observing the really interesting features of the spectacle and +kept my eyes fixed with a foolish distension on a lot of distorted mules, +teamsters and wagons. + +One of the commonest and best known tricks of the mirage is that of +overlaying a dry landscape with ponds and lakes, and by a truly +interesting and appropriate coincidence one or more travelers perishing of +thirst seem always to be present, properly to appreciate the humor of the +deception; but when a gentleman whose narrative suggested this article +averred that he had seen these illusory lakes navigated by phantom boats +filled with visionary persons he was, I daresay, thought to be drawing the +long bow, even by many miragists in good standing. For aught I know he may +have been. I can only attest the entirely credible character of the +statement. + +Away up at the headwaters of the Missouri, near the British possessions, I +found myself one afternoon rather unexpectedly on the shore of an ocean. +At less than a gunshot from where I stood was as plainly defined a +seabeach as one could wish to see. The eye could follow it in either +direction, with all its bays, inlets and promontories, to the horizon. The +sea was studded with islands, and these with tall trees of many kinds, +both islands and trees being reflected in the water with absolute +fidelity. On many of the islands were houses, showing white beneath the +trees, and on one which lay farthest out seaward was a considerable city, +with towers, domes and clusters of steeples. There were ships in the +offing whose sails glistened in the sunlight and, closer in, several boats +of novel but graceful design, crowded with human figures, moved smoothly +among the lesser islands, impelled by some power invisible from my point +of view, each boat attended by its inverted reflection "crowding up +beneath the keel." It must be admitted that the voyagers were habited +after a somewhat uncommon fashion--almost unearthly, I may say--and were +so grouped that at my distance I could not clearly distinguish their +individual limbs and attitudes. Their features were, of course, entirely +invisible. None the less, they were plainly human beings--what other +creatures would be boating? Of the other features of the scene--the coast, +islands, trees, houses, city and ships hull-down in the offing--I +distinctly affirm an absolute identity of visible aspect with those to +which we are accustomed in the realm of reality; imagination had simply +nothing to do with the matter. True, I had not recently had the advantage +of seeing any such objects, except trees, and these had been mighty poor +specimens, but, like Macduff, I "could not but remember such things were," +nor had I forgotten how they looked. + +Of course I was not for an instant deceived by all this: I knew that under +it all lay a particularly forbidding and inhospitable expanse of sagebrush +and cactus, peopled with nothing more nearly akin to me than prairie dogs, +ground owls and jackass rabbits--that with these exceptions the desert was +as desolate as the environment of Ozymandias' "vast and trunkless legs of +stone." But as a show it was surely the most enchanting that human eyes +had ever looked on, and after more years than I care to count it remains +one of memory's most precious possessions. The one thing which always +somewhat impairs the illusion in such instances--the absence of the +horizon water-line--did not greatly abate the _vraisemblance_ in this, for +the large island in the distance nearly closed the view seaward, and the +ships occupied most of the remaining space. I had but to fancy a slight +haze on the farther water, and all was right and regular. For more than a +half-hour this charming picture remained intact; then ugly patches of +plain began to show through, the islands with their palms and temples +slowly dissolved, the boats foundered with every soul on board, the sea +drifted over the headlands in a most unwaterlike way, and inside the hour +since, + + like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes + He stared at the Pacific, and all his men + Looked at each other with a wild surmise, + Silent upon a peak in Darien, + +I had discovered this unknown sea all this insubstantial pageant had faded +like the baseless fabric of the vision that it was and left not a rack +behind. + +In some of its minor manifestations the mirage is sometimes seen on the +western coast of our continent, in the bay of San Francisco, for example, +causing no small surprise to the untraveled and unread observer, and no +small pain to the spirits of purer fire who are fated to be caught within +earshot and hear him pronounce it a "mirridge." I have seen Goat Island +without visible means of support and Red Rock suspended in mid-air like +the coffin of the Prophet. Looking up toward Mare Island one most +ungracious morning when a barbarous norther had purged the air of every +stain and the human soul of every virtue, I saw San Pablo Bay margined +with cliffs whose altitude must have exceeded considerably that from whose +dizzy verge old eyeless Gloster, falling in a heap at his own feet, +supposed himself to have sailed like a stone. + +One more instance and "I've done, i' faith." Gliding along down the Hudson +River one hot summer afternoon in a steamboat, I went out on the +afterguard for a breath of fresh air, but there was none to be had. The +surface of the river was like oil and the steamer's hull slipped through +it with surprisingly little disturbance. Her tremor was for once hardly +perceptible; the beating of her paddles was subdued to an almost inaudible +rhythm. The air seemed what we call "hollow" and had apparently hardly +enough tenuity to convey sounds. Everywhere on the surface of the glassy +stream were visible undulations of heat, and the light steam of +evaporation lay along the sluggish water and hung like a veil between the +eye and the bank. Seated in an armchair and overcome by the heat and the +droning of some prosy passengers near by, I fell asleep. When I awoke the +guards were crowded with passengers in a high state of excitement, +pointing and craning shoreward. Looking in the same direction I saw, +through the haze, the sharp outlines of a city in gray silhouette. Roofs, +spires, pinnacles, chimneys, angles of wall--all were there, cleanly cut +out against the air. + +"What is it?" I cried, springing to my feet. + +"That, sir," replied a passenger stolidly, "is Poughkeepsie." + +It was. + + +A SOLE SURVIVOR + +Among the arts and sciences, the art of Sole Surviving is one of the most +interesting, as (to the artist) it is by far the most important. It is not +altogether an art, perhaps, for success in it is largely due to accident. +One may study how solely to survive, yet, having an imperfect natural +aptitude, may fail of proficiency and be early cut off. To the contrary, +one little skilled in its methods, and not even well grounded in its +fundamental principles, may, by taking the trouble to have been born with +a suitable constitution, attain to a considerable eminence in the art. +Without undue immodesty, I think I may fairly claim some distinction in it +myself, although I have not regularly acquired it as one acquires +knowledge and skill in writing, painting and playing the flute. O yes, I +am a notable Sole Survivor, and some of my work in that way attracts great +attention, mostly my own. + +You would naturally expect, then, to find in me one who has experienced +all manner of disaster at sea and the several kinds of calamity incident +to a life on dry land. It would seem a just inference from my Sole +Survivorship that I am familiar with railroad wrecks, inundations (though +these are hardly dry-land phenomena), pestilences, earthquakes, +conflagrations and other forms of what the reporters delight to call "a +holocaust." This is not entirely true; I have never been shipwrecked, +never assisted as "unfortunate sufferer" at a fire or railway collision, +and know of the ravages of epidemics only by hearsay. The most destructive +_temblor_ of which I have had a personal experience decreased the +population of San Francisco by fewer, probably, than ten thousand persons, +of whom not more than a dozen were killed; the others moved out of town. +It is true that I once followed the perilous trade of a soldier, but my +eminence in Sole Surviving is of a later growth and not specially the +product of the sword. + +Opening the portfolio of memory, I draw out picture after +picture--"figure-pieces"--groups of forms and faces whereof mine only now +remains, somewhat the worse for wear. + +Here are three young men lolling at ease on a grassy bank. One, a +handsome, dark-eyed chap, with a forehead like that of a Grecian god, +raises his body on his elbow, looks straight away to the horizon, where +some black trees hold captive certain vestiges of sunset as if they had +torn away the plumage of a flight of flamingoes, and says: "Fellows, I +mean to be rich. I shall see every country worth seeing. I shall taste +every pleasure worth having. When old, I shall become a hermit." + +Said another slender youth, fair-haired: "I shall become President and +execute a _coup d'etat_ making myself an absolute monarch. I shall then +issue a decree requiring that all hermits be put to death." + +The third said nothing. Was he restrained by some prescient sense of the +perishable nature of the material upon which he was expected to inscribe +the record of his hopes? However it may have been, he flicked his shoe +with a hazel switch and kept his own counsel. For twenty years he has been +the Sole Survivor of the group. + + * * * * * + +The scene changes. Six men are on horseback on a hill--a general and his +staff. Below, in the gray fog of a winter morning, an army, which has left +its intrenchments, is moving upon those of the enemy--creeping silently +into position. In an hour the whole wide valley for miles to left and +right will be all aroar with musketry stricken to seeming silence now and +again by thunder claps of big guns. In the meantime the risen sun has +burned a way through the fog, splendoring a part of the beleaguered city. + +"Look at that, General," says an aide; "it is like enchantment." + +"Go and enchant Colonel Post," said the general, without taking his +field-glass from his eyes, "and tell him to pitch in as soon as he hears +Smith's guns." + +All laughed. But to-day I laugh alone. I am the Sole Survivor. + + * * * * * + +It would be easy to fill many pages with instances of Sole Survival, from +my own experience. I could mention extinct groups composed wholly (myself +excepted) of the opposing sex, all of whom, with the same exception, have +long ceased their opposition, their warfare accomplished, their pretty +noses blue and chill under the daisies. They were good girls, too, mostly, +Heaven rest them! There were Maud and Lizzie and Nanette (ah, Nanette, +indeed; she is the deadest of the whole bright band) and Emeline and--but +really this is not discreet; one should not survive and tell. + +The flame of a camp-fire stands up tall and straight toward the black sky. +We feed it constantly with sage brush. A circling wall of darkness closes +us in; but turn your back to the fire and walk a little away and you shall +see the serrated summit-line of snow-capped mountains, ghastly cold in the +moonlight. They are in all directions; everywhere they efface the great +gold stars near the horizon, leaving the little green ones of the +mid-heaven trembling viciously, as bleak as steel. At irregular intervals +we hear the distant howling of a wolf--now on this side and again on that. +We check our talk to listen; we cast quick glances toward our weapons, our +saddles, our picketed horses: the wolves may be of the variety known as +Sioux, and there are but four of us. + +"What would you do, Jim," said Hazen, "if we were surrounded by Indians?" + +Jim Beckwourth was our guide--a life-long frontiersman, an old man "beated +and chopped with tanned antiquity." He had at one time been a chief of the +Crows. + +"I'd spit on that fire," said Jim Beckwourth. + +The old man has gone, I hope, where there is no fire to be quenched. And +Hazen, and the chap with whom I shared my blanket that winter night on the +plains--both gone. One might suppose that I would feel something of the +natural exultation of a Sole Survivor; but as Byron found that + + our thoughts take wildest flight + Even at the moment when they should array + Themselves in pensive order, + +so I find that they sometimes array themselves in pensive order, even at +the moment when they ought to be most hilarious. + + * * * * * + +Of reminiscences there is no end. I have a vast store of them laid up, +wherewith to wile away the tedious years of my anecdotage--whenever it +shall please Heaven to make me old. Some years that I passed in London as +a working journalist are particularly rich in them. Ah! "we were a gallant +company" in those days. + +I am told that the English are heavy thinkers and dull talkers. My +recollection is different; speaking from that, I should say they are no +end clever with their tongues. Certainly I have not elsewhere heard such +brilliant talk as among the artists and writers of London. Of course they +were a picked lot; some of them had attained to some eminence in the world +of intellect; others have achieved it since. But they were not all English +by many. London draws the best brains of Ireland and Scotland, and there +is always a small American contingent, mostly correspondents of the big +New York journals. + +The typical London journalist is a gentleman. He is usually a graduate of +one or the other of the great universities. He is well paid and holds his +position, whatever it may be, by a less precarious tenure than his +American congener. He rather moves than "dabbles" in literature, and not +uncommonly takes a hand at some of the many forms of art. On the whole, he +is a good fellow, too, with a skeptical mind, a cynical tongue, and a warm +heart. I found these men agreeable, hospitable, intelligent, amusing. We +worked too hard, dined too well, frequented too many clubs, and went to +bed too late in the forenoon. We were overmuch addicted to shedding the +blood of the grape. In short, we diligently, conscientiously, and with a +perverse satisfaction burned the candle of life at both ends and in the +middle. + +This was many a year ago. To-day a list of these men's names with a cross +against that of each one whom I know to be dead would look like a Roman +Catholic cemetery. I could dine all the survivors at the table on which I +write, and I should like to do so. But the dead ones, I must say, were the +best diners. + +But about Sole Surviving. There was a London publisher named John Camden +Hotten. Among American writers he had a pretty dark reputation as a +"pirate." They accused him of republishing their books without their +assent, which, in absence of international copyright, he had a legal, and +it seems to me (a "sufferer") a moral right to do. Through sympathy with +their foreign confrères British writers also held him in high disesteem. + +I knew Hotten very well, and one day I stood by what purported to be his +body, which afterward I assisted to bury in the cemetery at Highgate. I am +sure that it was his body, for I was uncommonly careful in the matter of +identification, for a very good reason, which you shall know. + +Aside from his "piracy," Hotten had a wide renown as "a hard man to deal +with." For several months before his death he had owed me one hundred +pounds sterling, and he could not possibly have been more reluctant to +part with anything but a larger sum. Even to this day in reviewing the +intelligent methods--ranging from delicate finesse to frank effrontery--by +which that good man kept me out of mine own I am prostrated with +admiration and consumed with envy. Finally by a lucky chance I got him at +a disadvantage and seeing my power he sent his manager--a fellow named +Chatto, who as a member of the firm of Chatto & Windus afterward succeeded +to his business and methods--to negotiate. I was the most implacable +creditor in the United Kingdom, and after two mortal hours of me in my +most acidulated mood Chatto pulled out a check for the full amount, ready +signed by Hotten in anticipation of defeat. Before handing it to me Chatto +said: "This check is dated next Saturday. Of course you will not present +it until then." + +To this I cheerfully consented. + +"And now," said Chatto, rising to go, "as everything is satisfactory I +hope you will go out to Hotten's house and have a friendly talk. It is his +wish." + +On Saturday morning I went. In pursuance, doubtless, of his design when he +antedated that check he had died of a pork pie promptly on the stroke of +twelve o'clock the night before--which invalidated the check! I have met +American publishers who thought they knew something about the business of +drinking champagne out of writers' skulls. If this narrative--which, upon +my soul, is every word true--teaches them humility by showing that genuine +commercial sagacity is not bounded by geographical lines it will have +served its purpose. + +Having assured myself that Mr. Hotten was really no more, I drove +furiously bank-ward, hoping that the sad tidings had not preceded me--and +they had not. + +Alas! on the route was a certain tap-room greatly frequented by authors, +artists, newspaper men and "gentlemen of wit and pleasure about town." + +Sitting about the customary table were a half-dozen or more choice +spirits--George Augustus Sala, Henry Sampson, Tom Hood the younger, +Captain Mayne Reid, and others less known to fame. I am sorry to say my +somber news affected these sinners in a way that was shocking. Their +levity was a thing to shudder at. As Sir Boyle Roche might have said, it +grated harshly upon an ear that had a dubious check in its pocket. Having +uttered their hilarious minds by word of mouth all they knew how, these +hardy and impenitent offenders set about writing "appropriate epitaphs." +Thank Heaven, all but one of these have escaped my memory, one that I +wrote myself. At the close of the rites, several hours later, I resumed my +movement against the bank. Too late--the old, old story of the hare and +the tortoise was told again. The "heavy news" had overtaken and passed me +as I loitered by the wayside. + +All attended the funeral--Sala, Sampson, Hood, Reid, and the +undistinguished others, including this present Sole Survivor of the group. +As each cast his handful of earth upon the coffin I am very sure that, +like Lord Brougham on a somewhat similar occasion, we all felt more than +we cared to express. On the death of a political antagonist whom he had +not treated with much consideration his lordship was asked, rather rudely, +"Have you no regrets now that he is gone?" + +After a moment of thoughtful silence he replied, with gravity, "Yes; I +favor his return." + + * * * * * + +One night in the summer of 1880 I was driving in a light wagon through the +wildest part of the Black Hills in South Dakota. I had left Deadwood and +was well on my way to Rockerville with thirty thousand dollars on my +person, belonging to a mining company of which I was the general manager. +Naturally, I had taken the precaution to telegraph my secretary at +Rockerville to meet me at Rapid City, then a small town, on another route; +the telegram was intended to mislead the "gentlemen of the road" whom I +knew to be watching my movements, and who might possibly have a +confederate in the telegraph office. Beside me on the seat of the wagon +sat Boone May. + +Permit me to explain the situation. Several months before, it had been the +custom to send a "treasure-coach" twice a week from Deadwood to Sidney, +Nebraska. Also, it had been the custom to have this coach captured and +plundered by "road agents." So intolerable had this practice become--even +iron-clad coaches loopholed for rifles proving a vain device--that the +mine owners had adopted the more practicable plan of importing from +California a half-dozen of the most famous "shotgun messengers" of Wells, +Fargo & Co.--fearless and trusty fellows with an instinct for killing, a +readiness of resource that was an intuition, and a sense of direction that +put a shot where it would do the most good more accurately than the most +careful aim. Their feats of marksmanship were so incredible that seeing +was scarcely believing. + +In a few weeks these chaps had put the road agents out of business and out +of life, for they attacked them wherever found. One sunny Sunday morning +two of them strolling down a street of Deadwood recognized five or six of +the rascals, ran back to their hotel for their rifles, and returning +killed them all! + +Boone May was one of these avengers. When I employed him, as a messenger, +he was under indictment for murder. He had trailed a "road agent" across, +the Bad Lands for hundreds of miles, brought him back to within a few +miles of Deadwood and picketed him out for the night. The desperate man, +tied as he was, had attempted to escape, and May found it expedient to +shoot and bury him. The grave by the roadside is perhaps still pointed out +to the curious. May gave himself up, was formally charged with murder, +released on his own recognizance, and I had to give him leave of absence +to go to court and be acquitted. Some of the New York directors of my +company having been good enough to signify their disapproval of my action +in employing "such a man," I could do no less than make some recognition +of their dissent, and thenceforth he was borne upon the pay-rolls as +"Boone May, Murderer." Now let me get back to my story. + +I knew the road fairly well, for I had previously traveled it by night, on +horseback, my pockets bulging with currency and my free hand holding a +cocked revolver the entire distance of fifty miles. To make the journey by +wagon with a companion was luxury. Still, the drizzle of rain was +uncomfortable. May sat hunched up beside me, a rubber poncho over his +shoulders and a Winchester rifle in its leathern case between his knees. I +thought him a trifle off his guard, but said nothing. The road, barely +visible, was rocky, the wagon rattled, and alongside ran a roaring stream. +Suddenly we heard through it all the clinking of a horse's shoes directly +behind, and simultaneously the short, sharp words of authority: "Throw up +your hands!" + +With an involuntary jerk at the reins I brought my team to its haunches +and reached for my revolver. Quite needless: with the quickest movement +that I had ever seen in anything but a cat--almost before the words were +out of the horseman's mouth--May had thrown himself backward across the +back of the seat, face upward, and the muzzle of his rifle was within a +yard of the fellow's breast! What further occurred among the three of us +there in the gloom of the forest has, I fancy, never been accurately +related. + +Boone May is long dead of yellow fever in Brazil, and I am the Sole +Survivor. + + * * * * * + +There was a famous _prima donna_ with whom it was my good fortune to cross +the Atlantic to New York. In truth I was charged by a friend of both with +the agreeable duty of caring for her safety and comfort. Madame was +gracious, clever, altogether charming, and before the voyage was two days +old a half-dozen of the men aboard, whom she had permitted me to present, +were heels over head in love with her, as I was myself. + +Our competition for her favor did not make us enemies; on the contrary we +were drawn together into something like an offensive and defensive +alliance by a common sorrow--the successful rivalry of a singularly +handsome Italian who sat next her at table. So assiduous was he in his +attentions that my office as the lady's guide, philosopher and friend was +nearly a sinecure, and as to the others, they had hardly one chance a day +to prove their devotion: that enterprising son of Italy dominated the +entire situation. By some diabolical prevision he anticipated Madame's +every need and wish--placed her reclining-chair in the most sheltered +spots on deck, smothered her in layer upon layer of wraps, and conducted +himself, generally, in the most inconsiderate way. Worse still, Madame +accepted his good offices with a shameless grace "which said as plain as +whisper in the ear" that there was a perfect understanding between them. +What made it harder to bear was the fellow's faulty civility to the rest +of us; he seemed hardly aware of our existence. + +Our indignation was not loud, but deep. Every day in the smoking-room we +contrived the most ingenious and monstrous, plans for his undoing in this +world and the next; the least cruel being a project to lure him to the +upper deck on a dark night and send him unshriven to his account by way of +the lee rail; but as none of us knew enough Italian to tell him the +needful falsehood that scheme of justice came to nothing, as did all the +others. At the wharf in New York we parted from Madame more in sorrow than +in anger, and from her conquering cavalier with polite manifestations of +the contempt we did not feel. + +That evening I called on her at her hotel, facing Union Square. Soon after +my arrival there was an audible commotion out in front: the populace, +headed by a brass band and incited, doubtless, by pure love of art, had +arrived to do honor to the great singer. There was music--a +serenade--followed by shoutings of the lady's name. She seemed a trifle +nervous, but I led her to the balcony, where she made a very pretty little +speech, piquant with her most charming accent. When the tumult and +shouting had died we re-entered her apartment to resume our conversation. +Would it please monsieur to have a glass, of wine? It would. She left the +room for a moment; then came the wine and glasses on a tray, borne by that +impossible Italian! He had a napkin across his arm--he was a servant. + +Barring some of the band and the populace, I am doubtless the Sole +Survivor, for Madame has for a number of years had a permanent engagement +Above, and my faith in Divine Justice does not permit me to think that the +servile wretch who cast down the mighty from their seat among the Sons of +Hope was suffered to live out the other half of his days. + + * * * * * + +A dinner of seven in an old London tavern--a good dinner, the memory +whereof is not yet effaced from the tablets of the palate. A soup, a plate +of white-bait be-lemoned and red-peppered with exactness, a huge joint of +roast beef, from which we sliced at will, flanked by various bottles of +old dry Sherry and crusty Port--such Port! (And we are expected to be +patriots in a country where it cannot be procured! And the Portuguese are +expected to love the country which, having it, sends it away!) That was +the dinner--there was Stilton cheese; it were shameful not to mention the +Stilton. Good, wholesome, and toothsome it was, rich and nutty. The +Stilton that we get here, clouted in tin-foil, is monstrous poor stuff, +hardly better than our American sort. After dinner there were walnuts and +coffee and cigars. I cannot say much for the cigars; they are not +over-good in England: too long at sea, I suppose. + +On the whole, it was a memorable dinner. Even its non-essential features +were satisfactory. The waiter was fascinatingly solemn, the floor snowily +sanded, the company sufficiently distinguished in literature and art for +me to keep track of them through the newspapers. They are dead--as dead as +Queen Anne, every mother's son of them! I am in my favorite rôle of Sole +Survivor. It has become habitual to me; I rather like it. + +Of the company were two eminent gastronomes--call them Messrs. Guttle and +Swig--who so acridly hated each other that nothing but a good dinner could +bring them under the same roof. (They had had a quarrel, I think, about +the merit of a certain Amontillado--which, by the way, one insisted, +despite Edgar Allan Poe, who certainly knew too much of whiskey to know +much of wine, _is_ a Sherry.) After the cloth had been removed and the +coffee, walnuts and cigars brought in, the company stood, and to an air +extemporaneously composed by Guttle, sang the following shocking and +reprehensible song, which had been written during the proceedings by this +present Sole Survivor. It will serve as fitly to conclude this feast of +unreason as it did that: + +THE SONG + + Jack Satan's the greatest of gods, + And Hell is the best of abodes. + 'Tis reached through the Valley of Clods + By seventy beautiful roads. + Hurrah for the Seventy Roads! + Hurrah for the clods that resound + With a hollow, thundering sound! + Hurrah for the Best of Abodes! + + We'll serve him as long as we've breath-- + Jack Satan, the greatest of gods. + To all of his enemies, death!-- + A home in the Valley of Clods. + Hurrah for the thunder of clods + That smother the souls of his foes! + Hurrah for the spirit that goes + To dwell with the Greatest of Gods! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce +by Ambrose Bierce + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS OF BIERCE *** + +***** This file should be named 13541-8.txt or 13541-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/5/4/13541/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce + +Author: Ambrose Bierce + +Release Date: September 27, 2004 [EBook #13541] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS OF BIERCE *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>The Collected Works of</h1> +<h1>Ambrose Bierce</h1> +<h3>Volume 1</h3> +<h3>1909</h3> +<hr class="full" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page15" name="page15"></a>[pg +15]</span></p> +<h2><a name="Contents" id="Contents">Contents</a></h2> +<table class="ToC" summary="Table of Contents"> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#ashes">ASHES OF THE BEACON</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#landbeyond">THE LAND BEYOND THE +BLOW</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#thither"><span class= +"sc">Thither</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#sons"><span class="sc">Sons of the Fair +Star</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#gnarmag"><span class="sc">An Interview with +Gnarmag-Zote</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#tamtonians"><span class="sc">The +Tamtonians</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#ug"><span class="sc">Marooned on Ug</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#dog"><span class="sc">The Dog in +Gangewag</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#ghargaroo"><span class="sc">A Conflagration in +Ghargaroo</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#batrugia"><span class="sc">An Execution in +Batrugia</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#gokeetle"><span class="sc">The Jumjum of +Gokeetle-Guk</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#tortirra"><span class="sc">The Kingdom of +Tortirra</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#hither"><span class="sc">Hither</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#ahkoond">FOR THE AHKOOND</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#liberator">JOHN SMITH, +LIBERATOR</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="main"><a href="#autobio">BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#mountain"><span class="sc">On a +Mountain</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#shiloh"><span class="sc">What I Saw of +Shiloh</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#chickamauga"><span class="sc">A Little of +Chickamauga</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#picketts"><span class="sc">The Crime at +Pickett’s Mill</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#dixie"><span class="sc">Four Days in +Dixie</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#franklin"><span class="sc">What Occurred at +Franklin</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#alabam"><span class="sc">‘Way Down in +Alabam’</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#empress"><span class="sc">Working for an +Empress</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#plains"><span class="sc">Across the +Plains</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#mirage"><span class="sc">The Mirage</span></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="subentry"><a href="#survivor"><span class="sc">A Sole +Survivor</span></a></td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr class="full" /> +<!--[pg 16]--> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page17" name="page17"></a>[pg +17]</span></p> +<h2><a id="ashes" name="ashes">Ashes of the Beacon</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<h3>An Historical Monograph Written in 4930</h3> +<p>Of the many causes that conspired to bring about the lamentable +failure of “self-government” in ancient America the +most general and comprehensive was, of course, the impracticable +nature of the system itself. In the light of modern culture, and +instructed by history, we readily discern the folly of those crude +ideas upon which the ancient Americans based what they knew as +“republican institutions,” and maintained, as long as +maintenance was possible, with something of a religious fervor, +even when the results were visibly disastrous. To us of to-day it +is clear that the word “self-government” involves a +contradiction, for government means control by something other than +the thing to be controlled. When the thing governed is the same as +the thing governing there is no government, though for a time there +may be, as in the case under consideration there was, a +considerable degree of forbearance, giving a misleading appearance +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page18" name="page18"></a>[pg +18]</span>of public order. This, however, soon must, as in fact it +soon did, pass away with the delusion that gave it birth. The habit +of obedience to written law, inculcated by generations of respect +for actual government able to enforce its authority, will persist +for a long time, with an ever lessening power upon the imagination +of the people; but there comes a time when the tradition is +forgotten and the delusion exhausted. When men perceive that +nothing is restraining them but their consent to be restrained, +then at last there is nothing to obstruct the free play of that +selfishness which is the dominant characteristic and fundamental +motive of human nature and human action respectively. Politics, +which may have had something of the character of a contest of +principles, becomes a struggle of interests, and its methods are +frankly serviceable to personal and class advantage. Patriotism and +respect for law pass like a tale that is told. Anarchy, no longer +disguised as “government by consent,” reveals his +hidden hand, and in the words of our greatest living poet,</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">lets the curtain fall,</p> +<p>And universal darkness buries all!</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>The ancient Americans were a composite <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page19" name="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span>people; +their blood was a blend of all the strains known in their time. +Their government, while they had one, being merely a loose and +mutable expression of the desires and caprices of the +majority—that is to say, of the ignorant, restless and +reckless—gave the freest rein and play to all the primal +instincts and elemental passions of the race. In so far and for so +long as it had any restraining force, it was only the restraint of +the present over the power of the past—that of a new habit +over an old and insistent tendency ever seeking expression in large +liberties and indulgences impatient of control. In the history of +that unhappy people, therefore, we see unveiled the workings of the +human will in its most lawless state, without fear of authority or +care of consequence. Nothing could be more instructive.</p> +<p>Of the American form of government, although itself the greatest +of evils afflicting the victims of those that it entailed, but +little needs to be said here; it has perished from the earth, a +system discredited by an unbroken record of failure in all parts of +the world, from the earliest historic times to its final +extinction. Of living students of political history not one +professes to see in it anything but <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page20" name="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span>a mischievous creation of +theorists and visionaries—persons whom our gracious sovereign +has deigned to brand for the world’s contempt as “dupes +of hope purveying to sons of greed.” The political +philosopher of to-day is spared the trouble of pointing out the +fallacies of republican government, as the mathematician is spared +that of demonstrating the absurdity of the convergence of parallel +lines; yet the ancient Americans not only clung to their error with +a blind, unquestioning faith, even when groaning under its most +insupportable burdens, but seem to have believed it of divine +origin. It was thought by them to have been established by the god +Washington, whose worship, with that of such <em>dii minores</em> +as Gufferson, Jaxon and Lincon (identical probably with the Hebru +Abrem) runs like a shining thread through all the warp and woof of +the stuff that garmented their moral nakedness. Some stones, very +curiously inscribed in many tongues, were found by the explorer +Droyhors in the wilderness bordering the river Bhitt (supposed by +him to be the ancient Potomac) as lately as the reign of Barukam +IV. These stones appear to be fragments of a monument or temple +erected to the glory of Washington in his divine character +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page21" name="page21"></a>[pg +21]</span>of Founder and Preserver of republican institutions. If +this tutelary deity of the ancient Americans really invented +representative government they were not the first by many to whom +he imparted the malign secret of its inauguration and denied that +of its maintenance.</p> +<p>Although many of the causes which finally, in combination, +brought about the downfall of the great American republic were in +operation from the beginning—being, as has been said, +inherent in the system—it was not until the year 1995 (as the +ancients for some reason not now known reckoned time) that the +collapse of the vast, formless fabric was complete. In that year +the defeat and massacre of the last army of law and order in the +lava beds of California extinguished the final fires of enlightened +patriotism and quenched in blood the monarchical revival. +Thenceforth armed opposition to anarchy was confined to desultory +and insignificant warfare waged by small gangs of mercenaries in +the service of wealthy individuals and equally feeble bands of +prescripts fighting for their lives. In that year, too, “the +Three Presidents” were driven from their capitals, +Cincinnati, New Orleans and Duluth, their armies dissolving +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page22" name="page22"></a>[pg +22]</span>by desertion and themselves meeting death at the hands of +the populace.</p> +<p>The turbulent period between 1920 and 1995, with its +incalculable waste of blood and treasure, its dreadful conflicts of +armies and more dreadful massacres by passionate mobs, its +kaleidoscopic changes of government and incessant effacement and +redrawing of boundaries of states, its interminable tale of +political assassinations and proscriptions—all the horrors +incident to intestinal wars of a naturally lawless race—had +so exhausted and dispirited the surviving protagonists of +legitimate government that they could make no further head against +the inevitable, and were glad indeed and most fortunate to accept +life on any terms that they could obtain.</p> +<p>But the purpose of this sketch is not bald narration of historic +fact, but examination of antecedent germinal conditions; not to +recount calamitous events familiar to students of that faulty +civilization, but to trace, as well as the meager record will +permit, the genesis and development of the causes that brought them +about. Historians in our time have left little undone in the matter +of narration of political and military phenomena. In Golpek’s +“Decline and Fall of the American Republics,” +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page23" name="page23"></a>[pg +23]</span>in Soseby’s “History of Political +Fallacies,” in Holobom’s “Monarchical +Renasence,” and notably in Gunkux’s immortal work, +“The Rise, Progress, Failure and Extinction of The Connected +States of America” the fruits of research have been garnered, +a considerable harvest. The events are set forth with such +conscientiousness and particularity as to have exhausted the +possibilities of narration. It remains only to expound causes and +point the awful moral.</p> +<p>To a delinquent observation it may seem needless to point out +the inherent defects of a system of government which the logic of +events has swept like political rubbish from the face of the earth, +but we must not forget that ages before the inception of the +American republics and that of France and Ireland this form of +government had been discredited by emphatic failures among the most +enlightened and powerful nations of antiquity: the Greeks, the +Romans, and long before them (as we now know) the Egyptians and the +Chinese. To the lesson of these failures the founders of the +eighteenth and nineteenth century republics were blind and deaf. +Have we then reason to believe that our posterity <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page24" name="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span>will be +wiser because instructed by a greater number of examples? And is +the number of examples which they will have in memory really +greater? Already the instances of China, Egypt, Greece and Rome are +almost lost in the mists of antiquity; they are known, except by +infrequent report, to the archæologist only, and but dimly +and uncertainly to him. The brief and imperfect record of +yesterdays which we call History is like that traveling vine of +India which, taking new root as it advances, decays at one end +while it grows at the other, and so is constantly perishing and +finally lost in all the spaces which it has over-passed.</p> +<p>From the few and precious writings that have descended to us +from the early period of the American republic we get a clear if +fragmentary view of the disorders and lawlessness affecting that +strange and unhappy nation. Leaving the historically famous +“labor troubles” for more extended consideration, we +may summarize here a few of the results of hardly more than a +century and a quarter of “self-government” as it +existed on this continent just previously to the awful end. At the +beginning of the “twentieth century” a careful study by +trustworthy contemporary <span class="pagenum"><a id="page25" name= +"page25"></a>[pg 25]</span>statisticians of the public records and +those apparently private ones known as “newspapers” +showed that in a population of about 80,000,000 the annual number +of homicides was not less than 10,000; and this continued year +after year to increase, not only absolutely, but proportionately, +until, in the words of Dumbleshaw, who is thought to have written +his famous “Memoirs of a Survivor” in the year 1908 of +their era, “it would seem that the practice of suicide is a +needless custom, for if a man but have patience his neighbor is +sure to put him out of his misery.” Of the 10,000 assassins +less than three per cent. were punished, further than by incidental +imprisonment if unable to give bail while awaiting trial. If the +chief end of government is the citizen’s security of life and +his protection from aggression, what kind of government do these +appalling figures disclose? Yet so infatuated with their imaginary +“liberty” were these singular people that the +contemplation of all this crime abated nothing of the volume and +persistence of their patriotic ululations, and affected not their +faith in the perfection of their system. They were like a man +standing on a rock already submerged by the rising tide, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page26" name="page26"></a>[pg +26]</span>and calling to his neighbors on adjacent cliffs to +observe his superior security.</p> +<p>When three men engage in an undertaking in which they have an +equal interest, and in the direction of which they have equal +power, it necessarily results that any action approved by two of +them, with or without the assent of the third, will be taken. This +is called—or was called when it was an accepted principle in +political and other affairs—“the rule of the +majority.” Evidently, under the malign conditions supposed, +it is the only practicable plan of getting anything done. A and B +rule and overrule C, not because they ought, but because they can; +not because they are wiser, but because they are stronger. In order +to avoid a conflict in which he is sure to be worsted, C submits as +soon as the vote is taken. C is as likely to be right as A and B; +nay, that eminent ancient philosopher, Professor Richard A. Proctor +(or Proroctor, as the learned now spell the name), has clearly +shown by the law of probabilities that any one of the three, all +being of the same intelligence, is far likelier to be right than +the other two.</p> +<p>It is thus that the “rule of the majority” as a +political system is established. It is in essence nothing but the +discredited and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page27" name= +"page27"></a>[pg 27]</span>discreditable principle that +“might makes right”; but early in the life of a +republic this essential character of government by majority is not +seen. The habit of submitting all questions of policy to the +arbitrament of counting noses and assenting without question to the +result invests the ordeal with a seeming sanctity, and what was at +first obeyed as the command of power comes to be revered as the +oracle of wisdom. The innumerable instances—such as the +famous ones of Galileo and Keeley—in which one man has been +right and all the rest of the race wrong, are overlooked, or their +significance missed, and “public opinion” is followed +as a divine and infallible guide through every bog into which it +blindly stumbles and over every precipice in its fortuitous path. +Clearly, sooner or later will be encountered a bog that will +smother or a precipice that will crush. Thoroughly to apprehend the +absurdity of the ancient faith in the wisdom of majorities let the +loyal reader try to fancy our gracious Sovereign by any possibility +wrong, or his unanimous Ministry by any possibility right!</p> +<p>During the latter half of the “nineteenth century” +there arose in the Connected States a political element opposed to +all government, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page28" name= +"page28"></a>[pg 28]</span>which frankly declared its object to be +anarchy. This astonishing heresy was not of indigenous growth: its +seeds were imported from Europe by the emigration or banishment +thence of criminals congenitally incapable of understanding and +valuing the blessings of monarchical institutions, and whose method +of protest was murder. The governments against which they conspired +in their native lands were too strong in authority and too +enlightened in policy for them to overthrow. Hundreds of them were +put to death, thousands imprisoned and sent into exile. But in +America, whither those who escaped fled for safety, they found +conditions entirely favorable to the prosecution of their +designs.</p> +<p>A revered fetish of the Americans was “freedom of +speech”: it was believed that if bad men were permitted to +proclaim their evil wishes they would go no further in the +direction of executing them—that if they might say what they +would like to do they would not care to do it. The close relation +between speech and action was not understood. Because the Americans +themselves had long been accustomed, in their own political debates +and discussions, to the use of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page29" +name="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span>unmeaning declamations and threats +which they had no intention of executing, they reasoned that others +were like them, and attributed to the menaces of these desperate +and earnest outcasts no greater importance than to their own. They +thought also that the foreign anarchists, having exchanged the +tyranny of kings for that of majorities, would be content with +their new and better lot and become in time good and law-abiding +citizens.</p> +<p>The anarchist of that far day (thanks to the firm hands of our +gracious sovereigns the species is now extinct) was a very +different person from what our infatuated ancestors imagined him. +He struck at government, not because it was bad, but because it was +government. He hated authority, not for its tyranny, but for its +power. And in order to make this plain to observation he frequently +chose his victim from amongst those whose rule was most +conspicuously benign.</p> +<p>Of the seven early Presidents of the American republic who +perished by assassination no fewer than four were slain by +anarchists with no personal wrongs to impel them to the +deed—nothing but an implacable hostility to law and +authority. The fifth victim, indeed, <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page30" name="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span>was a notorious demagogue +who had pardoned the assassin of the fourth.</p> +<p>The field of the anarchist’s greatest activity was always +a republic, not only to emphasize his impartial hatred of all +government, but because of the inherent feebleness of that form of +government, its inability to protect itself against any kind of +aggression by any considerable number of its people having a common +malevolent purpose. In a republic the crust that confined the fires +of violence and sedition was thinnest.</p> +<p>No improvement in the fortunes of the original anarchists +through immigration to what was then called the New World would +have made them good citizens. From centuries of secret war against +particular forms of authority in their own countries they had +inherited a bitter antagonism to all authority, even the most +beneficent. In their new home they were worse than in their old. In +the sunshine of opportunity the rank and sickly growth of their +perverted natures became hardy, vigorous, bore fruit. They +surrounded themselves with proselytes from the ranks of the idle, +the vicious, the unsuccessful. They stimulated and organized +discontent. Every one of them became a center of moral and +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page31" name="page31"></a>[pg +31]</span>political contagion. To those as yet unprepared to accept +anarchy was offered the milder dogma of Socialism, and to those +even weaker in the faith something vaguely called Reform. Each was +initiated into that degree to which the induration of his +conscience and the character of his discontent made him eligible, +and in which he could be most serviceable, the body of the people +still cheating themselves with the false sense of security begotten +of the belief that they were somehow exempt from the operation of +all agencies inimical to their national welfare and integrity. +Human nature, they thought, was different in the West from what it +was in the East: in the New World the old causes would not have the +old effects: a republic had some inherent vitality of its own, +entirely independent of any action intended to keep it alive. They +felt that words and phrases had some talismanic power, and charmed +themselves asleep by repeating “liberty,” “all +men equal before the law,” “dictates of +conscience,” “free speech” and all manner of such +incantation to exorcise the spirits of the night. And when they +could no longer close their eyes to the dangers environing them; +when they saw at last that what they had mistaken for the magic +power of their <span class="pagenum"><a id="page32" name= +"page32"></a>[pg 32]</span>form of government and its assured +security was really its radical weakness and subjective +peril—they found their laws inadequate to repression of the +enemy, the enemy too strong to permit the enactment of adequate +laws. The belief that a malcontent armed with freedom of speech, a +newspaper, a vote and a rifle is less dangerous than a malcontent +with a still tongue in his head, empty hands and under police +surveillance was abandoned, but all too late. From its fatuous +dream the nation was awakened by the noise of arms, the shrieks of +women and the red glare of burning cities.</p> +<p>Beginning with the slaughter at St. Louis on a night in the year +1920, when no fewer than twenty-two thousand citizens were slain in +the streets and half the city destroyed, massacre followed massacre +with frightful rapidity. New York fell in the month following, many +thousands of its inhabitants escaping fire and sword only to be +driven into the bay and drowned, “the roaring of the water in +their ears,” says Bardeal, “augmented by the hoarse +clamor of their red-handed pursuers, whose blood-thirst was unsated +by the sea.” A week later Washington was destroyed, with all +its public buildings and archives; the President and his Ministry +were slain, Congress was <span class="pagenum"><a id="page33" name= +"page33"></a>[pg 33]</span>dispersed, and an unknown number of +officials and private citizens perished. Of all the principal +cities only Chicago and San Francisco escaped. The people of the +former were all anarchists and the latter was valorously and +successfully defended by the Chinese.</p> +<p>The urban anarchists were eventually subdued and some semblance +of order was restored, but greater woes and sharper shames awaited +this unhappy nation, as we shall see.</p> +<p>In turning from this branch of our subject to consider the +causes of the failure and bloody disruption of the great American +republic other than those inherent in the form of government, it +may not be altogether unprofitable to glance briefly at what seems +to a superficial view the inconsistent phenomenon of great material +prosperity. It is not to be denied that this unfortunate people was +at one time singularly prosperous, in so far as national wealth is +a measure and proof of prosperity. Among nations it was the richest +nation. But at how great a sacrifice of better things was its +wealth obtained! By the neglect of all education except that crude, +elementary sort which fits men for the coarse delights of business +and affairs but confers no capacity of rational enjoyment; by +exalting the worth of wealth and <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page34" name="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span>making it the test and +touchstone of merit; by ignoring art, scorning literature and +despising science, except as these might contribute to the glutting +of the purse; by setting up and maintaining an artificial standard +of morals which condoned all offenses against the property and +peace of every one but the condoner; by pitilessly crushing out of +their natures every sentiment and aspiration unconnected with +accumulation of property, these civilized savages and commercial +barbarians attained their sordid end. Before they had rounded the +first half-century of their existence as a nation they had sunk so +low in the scale of morality that it was considered nothing +discreditable to take the hand and even visit the house of a man +who had grown rich by means notoriously corrupt and dishonorable; +and Harley declares that even the editors and writers of +newspapers, after fiercely assailing such men in their journals, +would be seen “hobnobbing” with them in public places. +(The nature of the social ceremony named the “hobnob” +is not now understood, but it is known that it was a sign of amity +and favor.) When men or nations devote all the powers of their +minds and bodies to the heaping up of wealth, wealth is heaped up. +But <span class="pagenum"><a id="page35" name="page35"></a>[pg +35]</span>what avails it? It may not be amiss to quote here the +words of one of the greatest of the ancients whose +works—fragmentary, alas—have come down to us.</p> +<p>“Wealth has accumulated itself into masses; and poverty, +also in accumulation enough, lies impassably separated from it; +opposed, uncommunicating, like forces in positive and negative +poles. The gods of this lower world sit aloft on glittering +thrones, less happy than Epicurus’s gods, but as indolent, as +impotent; while the boundless living chaos of ignorance and hunger +welters, terrific in its dark fury, under their feet. How much +among us might be likened to a whited sepulcher: outwardly all pomp +and strength, but inwardly full of horror and despair and dead +men’s bones! Iron highways, with their wains fire-winged, are +uniting all the ends of the land; quays and moles, with their +innumerable stately fleets, tame the ocean into one pliant bearer +of burdens; labor’s thousand arms, of sinew and of metal, +all-conquering everywhere, from the tops of the mount down to the +depths of the mine and the caverns of the sea, ply unweariedly for +the service of man; yet man remains unserved. He has subdued this +planet, his habitation and inheritance, yet reaps no profit +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page36" name="page36"></a>[pg +36]</span>from the victory. Sad to look upon: in the highest stage +of civilization nine-tenths of mankind have to struggle in the +lowest battle of savage or even animal man—the battle against +famine. Countries are rich, prosperous in all manner of increase, +beyond example; but the men of these countries are poor, needier +than ever of all sustenance, outward and inward; of belief, of +knowledge, of money, of food.”</p> +<p>To this somber picture of American “prosperity” in +the nineteenth century nothing of worth can be added by the most +inspired artist. Let us simply inscribe upon the gloomy canvas the +memorable words of an illustrious poet of the period:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>That country speeds to an untoward fate,</p> +<p>Where men are trivial and gold is great.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>One of the most “sacred” rights of the ancient +American was the trial of an accused person by “a jury of his +peers.” This, in America, was a right secured to him by a +written constitution. It was almost universally believed to have +had its origin in Magna Carta, a famous document which certain +rebellious noblemen of another country had compelled their +sovereign to sign under a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page37" +name="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span>threat of death. That celebrated +“bill of rights” has not all come down to us, but +researches of the learned have made it certain that it contained no +mention of trial by jury, which, indeed, was unknown to its +authors. The words <em>judicium parium</em> meant to them something +entirely different—the judgment of the entire community of +freemen. The words and the practice they represented antedated +Magna Carta by many centuries and were common to the Franks and +other Germanic nations, amongst whom a trial “jury” +consisted of persons having a knowledge of the matter to be +determined—persons who in later times were called +“witnesses” and rigorously excluded from the seats of +judgment.</p> +<p>It is difficult to conceive a more clumsy and ineffective +machinery for ascertaining truth and doing justice than a jury of +twelve men of the average intelligence, even among ourselves. What, +then, must this device have been among the half-civilized tribes of +the Connected States of America! Nay, the case is worse than that, +for it was the practice to prevent men of even the average +intelligence from serving as jurors. Jurors had to be residents of +the locality of the crime charged, and every crime was made a +matter of public notoriety <span class="pagenum"><a id="page38" +name="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span>long before the accused was brought +to trial; yet, as a rule, he who had read or talked about the trial +was held disqualified to serve. This in a country where, when a man +who could read was not reading about local crimes he was talking +about them, or if doing neither was doing something worse!</p> +<p>To the twelve men so chosen the opposing lawyers addressed their +disingenuous pleas and for their consideration the witnesses +presented their carefully rehearsed testimony, most of it false. So +unintelligent were these juries that a great part of the time in +every trial was consumed in keeping from them certain kinds of +evidence with which they could not be trusted; yet the lawyers were +permitted to submit to them any kind of misleading argument that +they pleased and fortify it with innuendoes without relevancy and +logic without sense. Appeals to their passions, their sympathies, +their prejudices, were regarded as legitimate influences and +tolerated by the judges on the theory that each side’s +offenses would about offset those of the other. In a criminal case +it was expected that the prosecutor would declare repeatedly and in +the most solemn manner his belief in the guilt of the person +accused, and that the attorney for <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page39" name="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span>the defense would affirm +with equal gravity his conviction of his client’s innocence. +How could they impress the jury with a belief which they did not +themselves venture to affirm? It is not recorded that any lawyer +ever rebelled against the iron authority of these conditions and +stood for truth and conscience. They were, indeed, the conditions +of his existence as a lawyer, a fact which they easily persuaded +themselves mitigated the baseness of their obedience to them, or +justified it altogether.</p> +<p>The judges, as a rule, were no better, for before they could +become judges they must have been advocates, with an +advocate’s fatal disabilities of judgment. Most of them +depended for their office upon the favor of the people, which, +also, was fatal to the independence, the dignity and the +impartiality to which they laid so solemn claim. In their decisions +they favored, so far as they dared, every interest, class or person +powerful enough to help or hurt them in an election. Holding their +high office by so precarious a tenure, they were under strong +temptation to enrich themselves from the serviceable purses of +wealthy litigants, and in disregard of justice to cultivate the +favor of the attorneys practicing before <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page40" name="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span>them, and +before whom they might soon be compelled themselves to +practice.</p> +<p>In the higher courts of the land, where juries were unknown and +appointed judges held their seats for life, these awful conditions +did not obtain, and there Justice might have been content to dwell, +and there she actually did sometimes set her foot. Unfortunately, +the great judges had the consciences of their education. They had +crept to place through the slime of the lower courts and their +robes of office bore the damnatory evidence. Unfortunately, too, +the attorneys, the jury habit strong upon them, brought into the +superior tribunals the moral characteristics and professional +methods acquired in the lower. Instead of assisting the judges to +ascertain the truth and the law, they cheated in argument and took +liberties with fact, deceiving the court whenever they deemed it to +the interest of their cause to do so, and as willingly won by a +technicality or a trick as by the justice of their contention and +their ability in supporting it. Altogether, the entire judicial +system of the Connected States of America was inefficient, +disreputable, corrupt.</p> +<p>The result might easily have been foreseen and doubtless was +predicted by patriots whose <span class="pagenum"><a id="page41" +name="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span>admonitions have not come down to +us. Denied protection of the law, neither property nor life was +safe. Greed filled his coffers from the meager hoards of Thrift, +private vengeance took the place of legal redress, mad multitudes +rioted and slew with virtual immunity from punishment or blame, and +the land was red with crime.</p> +<p>A singular phenomenon of the time was the immunity of criminal +women. Among the Americans woman held a place unique in the history +of nations. If not actually worshiped as a deity, as some +historians, among them the great Sagab-Joffoy, have affirmed, she +was at least regarded with feelings of veneration which the modern +mind has a difficulty in comprehending. Some degree of compassion +for her mental inferiority, some degree of forbearance toward her +infirmities of temper, some degree of immunity for the offenses +which these peculiarities entail—these are common to all +peoples above the grade of barbarians. In ancient America these +chivalrous sentiments found open and lawful expression only in +relieving woman of the burden of participation in political and +military service; the laws gave her no express exemption from +responsibility for crime. When she murdered, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page42" name="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span>she was +arrested; when arrested, brought to trial—though the origin +and meaning of those observances are not now known. Gunkux, whose +researches into the jurisprudence of antiquity enable him to speak +with commanding authority of many things, gives us here nothing +better than the conjecture that the trial of women for murder, in +the nineteenth century and a part of the twentieth, was the +survival of an earlier custom of actually convicting and punishing +them, but it seems extremely improbable that a people that once put +its female assassins to death would ever have relinquished the +obvious advantages of the practice while retaining with purposeless +tenacity some of its costly preliminary forms. Whatever may have +been the reason, the custom was observed with all the gravity of a +serious intention. Gunkux professes knowledge of one or two +instances (he does not name his authorities) where matters went so +far as conviction and sentence, and adds that the mischievous +sentimentalists who had always lent themselves to the solemn jest +by protestations of great <em>vraisemblance</em> against “the +judicial killing of women,” became really alarmed and filled +the land with their lamentations. Among the phenomena of brazen +effrontery <span class="pagenum"><a id="page43" name= +"page43"></a>[pg 43]</span>he classes the fact that some of these +loud protagonists of the right of women to assassinate unpunished +were themselves women! Howbeit, the sentences, if ever pronounced, +were never executed, and during the first quarter of the twentieth +century the meaningless custom of bringing female assassins to +trial was abandoned. What the effect was of their exemption from +this considerable inconvenience we have not the data to conjecture, +unless we understand as an allusion to it some otherwise obscure +words of the famous Edward Bok, the only writer of the period whose +work has survived. In his monumental essay on barbarous penology, +entitled “Slapping the Wrist,” he couples +“woman’s emancipation from the trammels of law” +and “man’s better prospect of death” in a way +that some have construed as meaning that he regarded them as cause +and effect. It must be said, however, that this interpretation +finds no support in the general character of his writing, which is +exceedingly humane, refined and womanly.</p> +<p>It has been said that the writings of this great man are the +only surviving work of his period, but of that we are not +altogether sure. There exists a fragment of an anonymous essay on +woman’s legal responsibility which many <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page44" name="page44"></a>[pg +44]</span>Americologists think belongs to the beginning of the +twentieth century. Certainly it could not have been written later +than the middle of it, for at that time woman had been definitely +released from any responsibility to any law but that of her own +will. The essay is an argument against even such imperfect +exemption as she had in its author’s time.</p> +<p>“It has been urged,” the writer says, “that +women, being less rational and more emotional than men, should not +be held accountable in the same degree. To this it may be answered +that punishment for crime is not intended to be retaliatory, but +admonitory and deterrent. It is, therefore, peculiarly necessary to +those not easily reached by other forms of warning and dissuasion. +Control of the wayward is not to be sought in reduction of +restraints, but in their multiplication. One who cannot be curbed +by reason may be curbed by fear, a familiar truth which lies at the +foundation of all penological systems. The argument for exemption +of women is equally cogent for exemption of habitual criminals, for +they too are abnormally inaccessible to reason, abnormally disposed +to obedience to the suasion of their unregulated impulses and +passions. To free them from the <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page45" name="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span>restraints of the fear of +punishment would be a bold innovation which has as yet found no +respectable proponent outside their own class.</p> +<p>“Very recently this dangerous enlargement of the meaning +of the phrase ‘emancipation of woman’ has been +fortified with a strange advocacy by the female ‘champions of +their sex.’ Their argument runs this way: ‘We are +denied a voice in the making of the laws relating to infliction of +the death penalty; it is unjust to hold us to an accountability to +which we have not assented.’ Of course this argument is as +broad as the entire body of law; it amounts to nothing less than a +demand for general immunity from all laws, for to none of them has +woman’s assent been asked or given. But let us consider this +amazing claim with reference only to the proposal in the service +and promotion of which it is now urged: exemption of women from the +death penalty for murder. In the last analysis it is seen to be a +simple demand for compensation. It says: ‘You owe us a +<em>solatium</em>. Since you deny us the right to vote, you should +give us the right to assassinate. We do not appraise it at so high +a valuation as the other franchise, but we do value it.’</p> +<p>“Apparently they do: without legal, but <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page46" name="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span>with +virtual, immunity from punishment, the women of this country take +an average of one thousand lives annually, nine in ten being the +lives of men. Juries of men, incited and sustained by public +opinion, have actually deprived every adult male American of the +right to live. If the death of any man is desired by any woman for +any reason he is without protection. She has only to kill him and +say that he wronged or insulted her. Certain almost incredible +recent instances prove that no woman is too base for immunity, no +crime against life sufficiently rich in all the elements of +depravity to compel a conviction of the assassin, or, if she is +convicted and sentenced, her punishment by the public +executioner.”</p> +<p>In this interesting fragment, quoted by Bogul in his +“History of an Extinct Civilization,” we learn +something of the shame and peril of American citizenship under +institutions which, not having run their foreordained course to the +unhappy end, were still in some degree supportable. What these +institutions became afterward is a familiar story. It is true that +the law of trial by jury was repealed. It had broken down, but not +until it had sapped the whole nation’s respect for all law, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page47" name="page47"></a>[pg +47]</span>for all forms of authority, for order and private +virtues. The people whose rude forefathers in another land it had +served roughly to protect against their tyrants, it had lamentably +failed to protect against themselves, and when in madness they +swept it away, it was not as one renouncing an error, but as one +impatient of the truth which the error is still believed to +contain. They flung it away, not as an ineffectual restraint, but +as a restraint; not because it was no longer an instrument of +justice for the determination of truth, but because they feared +that it might again become such. In brief, trial by jury was +abolished only when it had provoked anarchy.</p> +<p>Before turning to another phase of this ancient civilization I +cannot forbear to relate, after the learned and ingenious Gunkux, +the only known instance of a public irony expressing itself in the +sculptor’s noble art. In the ancient city of Hohokus once +stood a monument of colossal size and impressive dignity. It was +erected by public subscription to the memory of a man whose only +distinction consisted in a single term of service as a juror in a +famous murder trial, the details of which have not come down to us. +This occupied the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page48" name= +"page48"></a>[pg 48]</span>court and held public attention for many +weeks, being bitterly contested by both prosecution and defense. +When at last it was given to the jury by the judge in the most +celebrated charge that had ever been delivered from the bench, a +ballot was taken at once. The jury stood eleven for acquittal to +one for conviction. And so it stood at every ballot of the more +than fifty that were taken during the fortnight that the jury was +locked up for deliberation. Moreover, the dissenting juror would +not argue the matter; he would listen with patient attention while +his eleven indignant opponents thundered their opinions into his +ears, even when they supported them with threats of personal +violence; but not a word would he say. At last a disagreement was +formally entered, the jury discharged and the obstinate juror +chased from the city by the maddened populace. Despairing of +success in another trial and privately admitting his belief in the +prisoner’s innocence, the public prosecutor moved for his +release, which the judge ordered with remarks plainly implying his +own belief that the wrong man had been tried.</p> +<p>Years afterward the accused person died confessing his guilt, +and a little later one of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page49" +name="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span>the jurors who had been sworn to +try the case admitted that he had attended the trial on the first +day only, having been personated during the rest of the proceedings +by a twin brother, the obstinate member, who was a deaf-mute.</p> +<p>The monument to this eminent public servant was overthrown and +destroyed by an earthquake in the year 2342.</p> +<p>One of the causes of that popular discontent which brought about +the stupendous events resulting in the disruption of the great +republic, historians and archæologists are agreed in +reckoning “insurance.” Of the exact nature of that +factor in the problem of the national life of that distant day we +are imperfectly informed; many of its details have perished from +the record, yet its outlines loom large through the mist of ages +and can be traced with greater precision than is possible in many +more important matters.</p> +<p>In the monumental work of Professor Golunk-Dorsto (“Some +Account of the Insurance Delusion in Ancient America”) we +have its most considerable modern exposition; and Gakler’s +well-known volume, “The Follies of Antiquity,” contains +much interesting matter relating to it. From these and other +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page50" name="page50"></a>[pg +50]</span>sources the student of human unreason can reconstruct +that astounding fallacy of insurance as, from three joints of its +tail, the great naturalist Bogramus restored the ancient elephant, +from hoof to horn.</p> +<p>The game of insurance, as practiced by the ancient Americans +(and, as Gakler conjectures, by some of the tribesmen of Europe), +was gambling, pure and simple, despite the sentimental character +that its proponents sought to impress upon some forms of it for the +greater prosperity of their dealings with its dupes. Essentially, +it was a bet between the insurer and the insured. The number of +ways in which the wager was made—all devised by the +insurer—was almost infinite, but in none of them was there a +departure from the intrinsic nature of the transaction as seen in +its simplest, frankest form, which we shall here expound.</p> +<p>To those unlearned in the economical institutions of antiquity +it is necessary to explain that in ancient America, long prior to +the disastrous Japanese war, individual ownership of property was +unrestricted; every person was permitted to get as much as he was +able, and to hold it as his own without regard to his needs, or +whether he made any good use of it <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page51" name="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span>or not. By some plan of +distribution not now understood even the habitable surface of the +earth, with the minerals beneath, was parceled out among the +favored few, and there was really no place except at sea where +children of the others could lawfully be born. Upon a part of the +dry land that he had been able to acquire, or had leased from +another for the purpose, a man would build a house worth, say, ten +thousand <em>drusoes</em>. (The ancient unit of value was the +“dollar,” but nothing is now known as to its actual +worth.) Long before the building was complete the owner was beset +by “touts” and “cappers” of the insurance +game, who poured into his ears the most ingenious expositions of +the advantages of betting that it would burn down—for with +incredible fatuity the people of that time continued, generation +after generation, to build inflammable habitations. The persons +whom the capper represented—they called themselves an +“insurance company”—stood ready to accept the +bet, a fact which seems to have generated no suspicion in the mind +of the house-owner. Theoretically, of course, if the house did burn +payment of the wager would partly or wholly recoup the winner of +the bet for the loss of his house, but in fact the result +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page52" name="page52"></a>[pg +52]</span>of the transaction was commonly very different. For the +privilege of betting that his property would be destroyed by fire +the owner had to pay to the gentleman betting that it would not be, +a certain percentage of its value every year, called a +“premium.” The amount of this was determined by the +company, which employed statisticians and actuaries to fix it at +such a sum that, according to the law of probabilities, long before +the house was “due to burn,” the company would have +received more than the value of it in premiums. In other words, the +owner of the house would himself supply the money to pay his bet, +and a good deal more.</p> +<p>But how, it may be asked, could the company’s actuary know +that the man’s house would last until he had paid in more +than its insured value in premiums—more, that is to say, than +the company would have to pay back? He could not, but from his +statistics he could know how many houses in ten thousand of that +kind burned in their first year, how many in their second, their +third, and so on. That was all that he needed to know, the +house-owners knowing nothing about it. He fixed his rates according +to the facts, and the occasional loss of a bet in an individual +instance <span class="pagenum"><a id="page53" name="page53"></a>[pg +53]</span>did not affect the certainty of a general winning. Like +other professional gamblers, the company expected to lose +sometimes, yet knew that in the long run it <em>must</em> win; +which meant that in any special case it would <em>probably</em> +win. With a thousand gambling games open to him in which the +chances were equal, the infatuated dupe chose to “sit +into” one where they were against him! Deceived by the +cappers’ fairy tales, dazed by the complex and +incomprehensible “calculations” put forth for his +undoing, and having ever in the ear of his imagination the crackle +and roar of the impoverishing flames, he grasped at the hope of +beating—in an unwelcome way, it is true—“the man +that kept the table.” He must have known for a certainty that +if the company could afford to insure him he could not afford to +let it. He must have known that the whole body of the insured paid +to the insurers more than the insurers paid to them; otherwise the +business could not have been conducted. This they cheerfully +admitted; indeed, they proudly affirmed it. In fact, insurance +companies were the only professional gamblers that had the +incredible hardihood to parade their enormous winnings as an +inducement to play against their game. These <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page54" name="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span>winnings +(“assets,” they called them) proved their ability, they +said, to pay when they lost; and that was indubitably true. What +they did not prove, unfortunately, was the <em>will</em> to pay, +which from the imperfect court records of the period that have come +down to us, appears frequently to have been lacking. Gakler relates +that in the instance of the city of San Francisco (somewhat +doubtfully identified by Macronus as the modern fishing-village of +Gharoo) the disinclination of the insurance companies to pay their +bets had the most momentous consequences.</p> +<p>In the year 1906 San Francisco was totally destroyed by fire. +The conflagration was caused by the friction of a pig scratching +itself against an angle of a wooden building. More than one hundred +thousand persons perished, and the loss of property is estimated by +Kobo-Dogarque at one and a half million <em>drusoes</em>. On more +than two-thirds of this enormous sum the insurance companies had +laid bets, and the greater part of it they refused to pay. In +justification they pointed out that the deed performed by the pig +was “an act of God,” who in the analogous instance of +the express companies had been specifically forbidden to take any +action affecting the interests of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page55" name="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span>parties to a contract, or +the result of an agreed undertaking.</p> +<p>In the ensuing litigation their attorneys cited two notable +precedents. A few years before the San Francisco disaster, another +American city had experienced a similar one through the upsetting +of a lamp by the kick of a cow. In that case, also, the insurance +companies had successfully denied their liability on the ground +that the cow, manifestly incited by some supernatural power, had +unlawfully influenced the result of a wager to which she was not a +party. The companies defendant had contended that the recourse of +the property-owners was against, not them, but the owner of the +cow. In his decision sustaining that view and dismissing the case, +a learned judge (afterward president of one of the defendant +companies) had in the legal phraseology of the period pronounced +the action of the cow an obvious and flagrant instance of +unwarrantable intervention. Kobo-Dogarque believes that this +decision was afterward reversed by an appellate court of contrary +political complexion and the companies were compelled to +compromise, but of this there is no record. It is certain that in +the San Francisco case the precedent was urged.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page56" name="page56"></a>[pg +56]</span>Another precedent which the companies cited with +particular emphasis related to an unfortunate occurrence at a +famous millionaires’ club in London, the capital of the +renowned king, John Bui. A gentleman passing in the street fell in +a fit and was carried into the club in convulsions. Two members +promptly made a bet upon his life. A physician who chanced to be +present set to work upon the patient, when one of the members who +had laid the wager came forward and restrained him, saying: +“Sir, I beg that you will attend to your own business. I have +my money on that fit.”</p> +<p>Doubtless these two notable precedents did not constitute the +entire case of the defendants in the San Francisco insurance +litigation, but the additional pleas are lost to us.</p> +<p>Of the many forms of gambling known as insurance that called +life insurance appears to have been the most vicious. In essence it +was the same as fire insurance, marine insurance, accident +insurance and so forth, with an added offensiveness in that it was +a betting on human lives—commonly by the policy-holder on +lives that should have been held most sacred and altogether immune +from the taint of traffic. In point of practical operation this +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page57" name="page57"></a>[pg +57]</span>ghastly business was characterized by a more fierce and +flagrant dishonesty than any of its kindred pursuits. To such +lengths of robbery did the managers go that at last the patience of +the public was exhausted and a comparatively trivial occurrence +fired the combustible elements of popular indignation to a white +heat in which the entire insurance business of the country was +burned out of existence, together with all the gamblers who had +invented and conducted it. The president of one of the companies +was walking one morning in a street of New York, when he had the +bad luck to step on the tail of a dog and was bitten in +retaliation. Frenzied by the pain of the wound, he gave the +creature a savage kick and it ran howling toward a group of idlers +in front of a grocery store. In ancient America the dog was a +sacred animal, worshiped by all sorts and conditions of tribesmen. +The idlers at once raised a great cry, and setting upon the +offender beat him so that he died.</p> +<p>Their act was infectious: men, women and children trooped out of +their dwellings by thousands to join them, brandishing whatever +weapons they could snatch, and uttering wild cries of vengeance. +This formidable mob overpowered the police, and marching from +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page58" name="page58"></a>[pg +58]</span>one insurance office to another, successively demolished +them all, slew such officers as they could lay hands on, and chased +the fugitive survivors into the sea, “where,” says a +quaint chronicle of the time, “they were eaten by their +kindred, the sharks.” This carnival of violence continued all +the day, and at set of sun not one person connected with any form +of insurance remained alive.</p> +<p>Ferocious and bloody as was the massacre, it was only the +beginning. As the news of it went blazing and coruscating along the +wires by which intelligence was then conveyed across the country, +city after city caught the contagion. Everywhere, even in the small +hamlets and the agricultural districts, the dupes rose against +their dupers. The smoldering resentment of years burst into flame, +and within a week all that was left of insurance in America was the +record of a monstrous and cruel delusion written in the blood of +its promoters.</p> +<p>A remarkable feature of the crude and primitive civilization of +the Americans was their religion. This was polytheistic, as is that +of all backward peoples, and among their minor deities were their +own women. This has been disputed by respectable authorities, +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page59" name="page59"></a>[pg +59]</span>among them Gunkux and the younger Kekler, but the weight +of archæological testimony is against them, for, as +Sagab-Joffy ingeniously points out, none of less than divine rank +would by even the lowest tribes be given unrestricted license to +kill. Among the Americans woman, as already pointed out, +indubitably had that freedom, and exercised it with terrible +effect, a fact which makes the matter of their religion pertinent +to the purpose of this monograph. If ever an American woman was +punished by law for murder of a man no record of the fact is found; +whereas, such American literature as we possess is full of the most +enthusiastic adulation of the impossible virtues and imaginary +graces of the human female. One writer even goes to the length of +affirming that respect for the sex is the foundation of political +stability, the cornerstone of civil and religious liberty! After +the break-up of the republic and the savage intertribal wars that +followed, Gyneolatry was an exhausted cult and woman was relegated +to her old state of benign subjection.</p> +<p>Unfortunately, we know little of the means of travel in ancient +America, other than the names. It seems to have been done mainly by +what were called “railroads,” upon which <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page60" name="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span>wealthy +associations of men transported their fellow-citizens in some kind +of vehicle at a low speed, seldom exceeding fifty or sixty miles an +hour, as distance and time were then reckoned—about equal to +seven <em>kaltabs</em> a <em>grillog</em>. Notwithstanding this +slow movement of the vehicles, the number and fatality of accidents +were incredible. In the Zopetroq Museum of Archæology is +preserved an official report (found in the excavations made by +Droyhors on the supposed site of Washington) of a Government +Commission of the Connected States. From that document we learn +that in the year 1907 of their era the railroads of the country +killed 5,000 persons and wounded 72,286—a mortality which is +said by the commissioners to be twice that of the battle of +Gettysburg, concerning which we know nothing but the name. This was +about the annual average of railroad casualties of the period, and +if it provoked comment it at least led to no reform, for at a later +period we find the mortality even greater. That it was preventable +is shown by the fact that in the same year the railroads of Great +Britain, where the speed was greater and the intervals between +vehicles less, killed only one passenger. It was a difference of +government: Great <span class="pagenum"><a id="page61" name= +"page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>Britain had a government that governed; +America had not. Happily for humanity, the kind of government that +does not govern, self-government, “government of the people, +by the people and for the people” (to use a meaningless +paradox of that time) has perished from the face of the earth.</p> +<p>An inherent weakness in republican government was that it +assumed the honesty and intelligence of the majority, “the +masses,” who were neither honest nor intelligent. It would +doubtless have been an excellent government for a people so good +and wise as to need none. In a country having such a system the +leaders, the politicians, must necessarily all be demagogues, for +they can attain to place and power by no other method than flattery +of the people and subserviency to the will of the majority. In all +the ancient American political literature we look in vain for a +single utterance of truth and reason regarding these matters. In +none of it is a hint that the multitude was ignorant and vicious, +as we know it to have been, and as it must necessarily be in any +country, to whatever high average of intelligence and morality the +people attain; for “intelligence” and +“morality” are comparative terms, the standard of +comparison <span class="pagenum"><a id="page62" name= +"page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>being the intelligence and morality of +the wisest and best, who must always be the few. Whatever general +advance is made, those not at the head are behind—are +ignorant and immoral according to the new standard, and unfit to +control in the higher and broader policies demanded by the progress +made. Where there is true and general progress the philosopher of +yesterday would be the ignoramus of to-day, the honorable of one +generation the vicious of another. The peasant of our time is +incomparably superior to the statesman of ancient America, yet he +is unfit to govern, for there are others more fit.</p> +<p>That a body of men can be wiser than its wisest member seems to +the modern understanding so obvious and puerile an error that it is +inconceivable that any people, even the most primitive, could ever +have entertained it; yet we know that in America it was a fixed and +steadfast political faith. The people of that day did not, +apparently, attempt to explain how the additional wisdom was +acquired by merely assembling in council, as in their +“legislatures”; they seem to have assumed that it was +so, and to have based their entire governmental system upon that +assumption, with never a suspicion of its fallacy. It is like +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page63" name="page63"></a>[pg +63]</span>assuming that a mountain range is higher than its highest +peak. In the words of Golpek, “The early Americans believed +that units of intelligence were addable quantities,” or as +Soseby more wittily puts it, “They thought that in a +combination of idiocies they had the secret of sanity.”</p> +<p>The Americans, as has been said, never learned that even among +themselves majorities ruled, not because they ought, but because +they could—not because they were wise, but because they were +strong. The count of noses determined, not the better policy, but +the more powerful party. The weaker submitted, as a rule, for it +had to or risk a war in which it would be at a disadvantage. Yet in +all the early years of the republic they seem honestly to have +dignified their submission as “respect for the popular +verdict.” They even quoted from the Latin language the +sentiment that “the voice of the people is the voice of +God.” And this hideous blasphemy was as glib upon the lips of +those who, without change of mind, were defeated at the polls year +after year as upon those of the victors.</p> +<p>Of course, their government was powerless to restrain any +aggression or encroachment upon the general welfare as soon as +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page64" name="page64"></a>[pg +64]</span>a considerable body of voters had banded together to +undertake it. A notable instance has been recorded by Bamscot in +his great work, “Some Evil Civilizations.” After the +first of America’s great intestinal wars the surviving +victors formed themselves into an organization which seems at first +to have been purely social and benevolent, but afterward fell into +the hands of rapacious politicians who in order to preserve their +power corrupted their followers by distributing among them enormous +sums of money exacted from the government by threats of overturning +it. In less than a half century after the war in which they had +served, so great was the fear which they inspired in whatever party +controlled the national treasury that the total sum of their +exactions was no less annually than seventeen million +<em>prastams</em>! As Dumbleshaw naïvely puts it, +“having saved their country, these gallant gentlemen +naturally took it for themselves.” The eventual massacre of +the remnant of this hardy and impenitent organization by the labor +unions more accustomed to the use of arms is beyond the province of +this monograph to relate. The matter is mentioned at all only +because it is a typical example of the open robbery that marked +that period <span class="pagenum"><a id="page65" name= +"page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>of the republic’s brief and +inglorious existence; the Grand Army, as it called itself, was no +worse and no better than scores of other organizations having no +purpose but plunder and no method but menace. A little later nearly +all classes and callings became organized conspiracies, each +seeking an unfair advantage through laws which the party in power +had not the firmness to withhold, nor the party hoping for power +the courage to oppose. The climax of absurdity in this direction +was reached in 1918, when an association of barbers, known as +Noblemen of the Razor, procured from the parliament of the country +a law giving it a representative in the President’s Cabinet, +and making it a misdemeanor to wear a beard.</p> +<p>In Soseby’s “History of Popular Government” he +mentions “a monstrous political practice known as +‘Protection to American Industries.’” Modern +research has not ascertained precisely what it was; it is known +rather from its effects than in its true character, but from what +we can learn of it to-day I am disposed to number it among those +malefic agencies concerned in the destruction of the American +republics, particularly the Connected States, although it appears +not to have <span class="pagenum"><a id="page66" name= +"page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>been peculiar to “popular +government.” Some of the contemporary monarchies of Europe +were afflicted with it, but by the divine favor which ever guards a +throne its disastrous effects were averted. +“Protection” consisted in a number of extraordinary +expedients, the purposes of which and their relations to one +another cannot with certainty be determined in the present state of +our knowledge. Debrethin and others agree that one feature of it +was the support, by general taxation, of a few favored citizens in +public palaces, where they passed their time in song and dance and +all kinds of revelry. They were not, however, altogether idle, +being required out of the sums bestowed upon them, to employ a +certain number of men each in erecting great piles of stone and +pulling them down again, digging holes in the ground and then +filling them with earth, pouring water into casks and then drawing +it off, and so forth. The unhappy laborers were subject to the most +cruel oppressions, but the knowledge that their wages came from the +pockets of those whom their work nowise benefited was so gratifying +to them that nothing could induce them to leave the service of +their heartless employers to engage in lighter and more useful +labor.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page67" name="page67"></a>[pg +67]</span>Another characteristic of “Protection” was +the maintenance at the principal seaports of +“customs-houses,” which were strong fortifications +armed with heavy guns for the purpose of destroying or driving away +the trading ships of foreign nations. It was this that caused the +Connected States to be known abroad as the “Hermit +Republic,” a name of which its infatuated citizens were +strangely proud, although they had themselves sent armed ships to +open the ports of Japan and other Oriental countries to their own +commerce. In their own case, if a foreign ship came empty and +succeeded in evading the fire of the “customs-house,” +as sometimes occurred, she was permitted to take away a cargo.</p> +<p>It is obvious that such a system was distinctly evil, but it +must be confessed our uncertainty regarding the whole matter of +“Protection” does not justify us in assigning it a +definite place among the causes of national decay. That in some way +it produced an enormous revenue is certain, and that the method was +dishonest is no less so; for this revenue—known as a +“surplus”—was so abhorred while it lay in the +treasury that all were agreed upon the expediency of getting +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page68" name="page68"></a>[pg +68]</span>rid of it, two great political parties existing for +apparently no other purpose than the patriotic one of taking it +out.</p> +<p>But how, it may be asked, could people so misgoverned get on, +even as well as they did?</p> +<p>From the records that have come down to us it does not appear +that they got on very well. They were preyed upon by all sorts of +political adventurers, whose power in most instances was limited +only by the contemporaneous power of other political adventurers +equally unscrupulous. A full half of the taxes wrung from them was +stolen. Their public lands, millions of square miles, were parceled +out among banded conspirators. Their roads and the streets of their +cities were nearly impassable. Their public buildings, conceived in +abominable taste and representing enormous sums of money, which +never were used in their construction, began to tumble about the +ears of the workmen before they were completed. The most delicate +and important functions of government were intrusted to men with +neither knowledge, heart nor experience, who by their corruption +imperiled the public interest and by their blundering disgraced the +national name. In short, all the train of evils inseparable from +government <span class="pagenum"><a id="page69" name= +"page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>of any kind beset this unhappy people +with tenfold power, together with hundreds of worse ones peculiar +to their own faulty and unnatural system. It was thought that their +institutions would give them peace, yet in the first three-quarters +of a century of their existence they fought three important wars: +one of revenge, one of aggression and one—the bloodiest and +most wasteful known up to that time—among themselves. And +before a century and a half had passed they had the humiliation to +see many of their seaport cities destroyed by the Emperor of Japan +in a quarrel which they had themselves provoked by their greed of +Oriental dominion.</p> +<p>By far the most important factor concerned in bringing about the +dissolution of the republic and the incredible horrors that +followed it was what was known as “the contest between +capital and labor.” This momentous struggle began in a rather +singular way through an agitation set afoot by certain ambitious +women who preached at first to inattentive and inhospitable ears, +but with ever increasing acceptance, the doctrine of equality of +the sexes, and demanded the “emancipation” of woman. +True, woman was already an object of worship and had, as noted +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page70" name="page70"></a>[pg +70]</span>before, the right to kill. She was treated with profound +and sincere deference, because of certain humble virtues, the +product of her secluded life. Men of that time appear to have felt +for women, in addition to religious reverence, a certain sentiment +known as “love.” The nature of this feeling is not +clearly known to us, and has been for ages a matter of controversy +evolving more heat than light. This much is plain: it was largely +composed of good will, and had its root in woman’s +dependence. Perhaps it had something of the character of the +benevolence with which we regard our slaves, our children and our +domestic animals—everything, in fact, that is weak, helpless +and inoffensive.</p> +<p>Woman was not satisfied; her superserviceable advocates taught +her to demand the right to vote, to hold office, to own property, +to enter into employment in competition with man. Whatever she +demanded she eventually got. With the effect upon her we are not +here concerned; the predicted gain to political purity did not +ensue, nor did commercial integrity receive any stimulus from her +participation in commercial pursuits. What indubitably did ensue +was a more sharp and bitter competition in the industrial world +through this increase <span class="pagenum"><a id="page71" name= +"page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>of more than thirty per cent, in its +wage-earning population. In no age nor country has there ever been +sufficient employment for those requiring it. The effect of so +enormously increasing the already disproportionate number of +workers in a single generation could be no other than disastrous. +Every woman employed displaced or excluded some man, who, compelled +to seek a lower employment, displaced another, and so on, until the +least capable or most unlucky of the series became a tramp—a +nomadic mendicant criminal! The number of these dangerous vagrants +in the beginning of the twentieth century of their era has been +estimated by Holobom at no less than seven and a half +<em>blukuks</em>! Of course, they were as tow to the fires of +sedition, anarchy and insurrection. It does not very nearly relate +to our present purpose, but it is impossible not to note in passing +that this unhappy result, directly flowing from woman’s +invasion of the industrial field, was unaccompanied by any material +advantage to herself. Individual women, here and there one, may +themselves have earned the support that they would otherwise not +have received, but the sex as a whole was not benefited. They +provided for themselves no better than <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page72" name="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>they had previously been +provided for, and would still have been provided for, by the men +whom they displaced. The whole somber incident is unrelieved by a +single gleam of light.</p> +<p>Previously to this invasion of the industrial field by woman +there had arisen conditions that were in themselves peculiarly +menacing to the social fabric. Some of the philosophers of the +period, rummaging amongst the dubious and misunderstood facts of +commercial and industrial history, had discovered what they were +pleased to term “the law of supply and demand”; and +this they expounded with so ingenious a sophistry, and so copious a +wealth of illustration and example that what is at best but a +faulty and imperfectly applicable principle, limited and cut into +by all manner of other considerations, came to be accepted as the +sole explanation and basis of material prosperity and an infallible +rule for the proper conduct of industrial affairs. In obedience to +this “law”—for, interpreting it in its straitest +sense they understood it to be mandatory—employers and +employees alike regulated by its iron authority all their dealings +with one another, throwing off the immemorial relations of mutual +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a>[pg +73]</span>dependence and mutual esteem as tending to interfere with +beneficent operation. The employer came to believe conscientiously +that it was not only profitable and expedient, but under all +circumstances his duty, to obtain his labor for as little money as +possible, even as he sold its product for as much. Considerations +of humanity were not banished from his heart, but most sternly +excluded from his business. Many of these misguided men would give +large sums to various charities; would found universities, +hospitals, libraries; would even stop on their way to relieve +beggars in the street; but for their own work-people they had no +care. Straman relates in his “Memoirs” that a wealthy +manufacturer once said to one of his mill-hands who had asked for +an increase of his wages because unable to support his family on +the pay that he was getting: “Your family is nothing to me. I +cannot afford to mix benevolence with my business.” Yet this +man, the author adds, had just given a thousand <em>drusoes</em> to +a “sea-man’s home.” He could afford to care for +other men’s employees, but not for his own. He could not see +that the act which he performed as truly, and to the same degree, +cut down his margin of profit in his business as the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>act which +he refused to perform would have done, and had not the advantage of +securing him better service from a grateful workman.</p> +<p>On their part the laborers were no better. Their relations to +their employers being “purely commercial,” as it was +called, they put no heart into their work, seeking ever to do as +little as possible for their money, precisely as their employers +sought to pay as little as possible for the work they got. The +interests of the two classes being thus antagonized, they grew to +distrust and hate each other, and each accession of ill feeling +produced acts which tended to broaden the breach more and more. +There was neither cheerful service on the one side nor ungrudging +payment on the other.</p> +<p>The harder industrial conditions generated by woman’s +irruption into a new domain of activity produced among laboring men +a feeling of blind discontent and concern. Like all men in +apprehension, they drew together for mutual protection, they knew +not clearly against what. They formed “labor unions,” +and believed them to be something new and effective in the +betterment of their condition; whereas, from the earliest +historical times, in Rome, in Greece, in Egypt, in Assyria, labor +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a>[pg +75]</span>unions with their accepted methods of +“striking” and rioting had been discredited by an +almost unbroken record of failure. One of the oldest manuscripts +then in existence, preserved in a museum at Turin, but now lost, +related how the workmen employed in the necropolis at Thebes, +dissatisfied with their allowance of corn and oil, had refused to +work, broken out of their quarters and, after much rioting, been +subdued by the arrows of the military. And such, despite the +sympathies and assistance of brutal mobs of the populace, was +sometimes the end of the American “strike.” Originally +organized for self-protection, and for a time partly successful, +these leagues became great tyrannies, so reasonless in their +demands and so unscrupulous in their methods of enforcing them that +the laws were unable to deal with them, and frequently the military +forces of the several States were ordered out for the protection of +life and property; but in most cases the soldiers fraternized with +the leagues, ran away, or were easily defeated. The cruel and +mindless mobs had always the hypocritical sympathy and +encouragement of the newspapers and the politicians, for both +feared their power and courted their favor. The judges, dependent +for their offices not <span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name= +"page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>only on “the labor vote,” +but, to obtain it, on the approval of the press and the +politicians, boldly set aside the laws against conspiracy and +strained to the utmost tension those relating to riot, arson and +murder. To such a pass did all this come that in the year 1931 an +inn-keeper’s denial of a half-holiday to an under-cook +resulted in the peremptory closing of half the factories in the +country, the stoppage of all railroad travel and movement of +freight by land and water and a general paralysis of the industries +of the land. Many thousands of families, including those of the +“strikers” and their friends, suffered from famine; +armed conflicts occurred in every State; hundreds were slain and +incalculable amounts of property wrecked and destroyed.</p> +<p>Failure, however, was inherent in the method, for success +depended upon unanimity, and the greater the membership of the +unions and the more serious their menace to the industries of the +country, the higher was the premium for defection; and at last +strike-breaking became a regular employment, organized, officered +and equipped for the service required by the wealth and +intelligence that directed it. From that moment the doom of labor +unionism was decreed and inevitable. <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page77" name="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>But labor unionism did not +live long enough to die that way.</p> +<p>Naturally combinations of labor entailed combinations of +capital. These were at first purely protective. They were brought +into being by the necessity of resisting the aggressions of the +others. But the trick of combination once learned, it was seen to +have possibilities of profit in directions not dreamed of by its +early promoters; its activities were not long confined to fighting +the labor unions with their own weapons and with superior cunning +and address. The shrewd and energetic men whose capacity and +commercial experience had made them rich while the laborers +remained poor were not slow to discern the advantages of +coöperation over their own former method of competition among +themselves. They continued to fight the labor unions, but ceased to +fight one another. The result was that in the brief period of two +generations almost the entire business of the country fell into the +hands of a few gigantic corporations controlled by bold and +unscrupulous men, who, by daring and ingenious methods, made the +body of the people pay tribute to their greed.</p> +<p>In a country where money was all-powerful <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>the power +of money was used without stint and without scruple. Judges were +bribed to do their duty, juries to convict, newspapers to support +and legislators to betray their constituents and pass the most +oppressive laws. By these corrupt means, and with the natural +advantage of greater skill in affairs and larger experience in +concerted action, the capitalists soon restored their ancient reign +and the state of the laborer was worse than it had ever been +before. Straman says that in his time two millions of unoffending +workmen in the various industries were once discharged without +warning and promptly arrested as vagrants and deprived of their +ears because a sulking canal-boatman had kicked his captain’s +dog into the water. And the dog was a retriever.</p> +<p>Had the people been honest and intelligent, as the politicians +affirmed them to be, the combination of capital could have worked +no public injury—would, in truth, have been a great public +benefit. It enormously reduced the expense of production and +distribution, assured greater permanency of employment, opened +better opportunities to general and special aptitude, gave an +improved product, and at first supplied it at a reduced price. +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a>[pg +79]</span>Its crowning merit was that the industries of the +country, being controlled by a few men from a central source, could +themselves be easily controlled by law if law had been honestly +administered. Under the old order of scattered jurisdictions, +requiring a multitude of actions at law, little could be done, and +little was done, to put a check on commercial greed; under the new, +much was possible, and at times something was accomplished. But not +for long; the essential dishonesty of the American character +enabled these capable and conscienceless +managers—“captains of industry” and “kings +of finance”—to buy with money advantages and immunities +superior to those that the labor unions could obtain by menaces and +the promise of votes. The legislatures, the courts, the executive +officers, all the sources of authority and springs of control, were +defiled and impested until right and justice fled affrighted from +the land, and the name of the country became a stench in the +nostrils of the world.</p> +<p>Let us pause in our narrative to say here that much of the abuse +of the so-called “trusts” by their victims took no +account of the folly, stupidity and greed of the victims +themselves. A favorite method by which the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page80" name="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>great +corporations crushed out the competition of the smaller ones and of +the “individual dealers” was by underselling +them—a method made possible by nothing but the selfishness of +the purchasing consumers who loudly complained of it. These could +have stood by their neighbor, the “small dealer,” if +they had wanted to, and no underselling could, have been done. When +the trust lowered the price of its product they eagerly took the +advantage offered, then cursed the trust for ruining the small +dealer. When it raised the price they cursed it for ruining +themselves. It is not easy to see what the trust could have done +that would have been acceptable, nor is it surprising that it soon +learned to ignore their clamor altogether and impenitently plunder +those whom it could not hope to appease.</p> +<p>Another of the many sins justly charged against the “kings +of finance” was this: They would buy properties worth, say, +ten millions of “dollars” (the value of the dollar is +now unknown) and issue stock upon it to the face value of, say, +fifty millions. This their clamorous critics called +“creating” for themselves forty millions of dollars. +They created nothing; the stock had no dishonest value unless +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page81" name="page81"></a>[pg +81]</span>sold, and even at the most corrupt period of the +government nobody was compelled by law to buy. In nine cases in ten +the person who bought did so in the hope and expectation of getting +much for little and something for nothing. The buyer was no better +than the seller. He was a gambler. He “played against the +game of the man who kept the table” (as the phrase went), and +naturally he lost. Naturally, too, he cried out, but his +lamentations, though echoed shrilly by the demagogues, seem to have +been unavailing. Even the rudimentary intelligence of that +primitive people discerned the impracticability of laws forbidding +the seller to set his own price on the thing he would sell and +declare it worth that price. Then, as now, nobody had to believe +him. Of the few who bought these “watered” stocks in +good faith as an investment in the honest hope of dividends it +seems sufficient to say, in the words of an ancient Roman, +“Against stupidity the gods themselves are powerless.” +Laws that would adequately protect the foolish from the consequence +of their folly would put an end to all commerce. The sin of +“over-capitalization” differed in magnitude only, not +in kind, from the daily practice of every salesman <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>in every +shop. Nevertheless, the popular fury that it aroused must be +reckoned among the main causes contributory to the savage +insurrections that accomplished the downfall of the republic.</p> +<p>With the formation of powerful and unscrupulous trusts of both +labor and capital to subdue each other the possibilities of +combination were not exhausted; there remained the daring plan of +combining the two belligerents! And this was actually effected. The +laborer’s demand for an increased wage was always based upon +an increased cost of living, which was itself chiefly due to +increased cost of production from reluctant concessions of his +former demands. But in the first years of the twentieth century +observers noticed on the part of capital a lessening reluctance. +More frequent and more extortionate and reasonless demands +encountered a less bitter and stubborn resistance; capital was +apparently weakening just at the time when, with its strong +organizations of trained and willing strike-breakers, it was most +secure. Not so; an ingenious malefactor, whose name has perished +from history, had thought out a plan for bringing the belligerent +forces together to plunder the rest of the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page83" name="page83"></a>[pg +83]</span>population. In the accounts that have come down to us +details are wanting, but we know that, little by little, this +amazing project was accomplished. Wages rose to incredible rates. +The cost of living rose with them, for employers—their new +allies wielding in their service the weapons previously used +against them, intimidation, the boycott, and so forth—more +than recouped themselves from the general public. Their employees +got rebates on the prices of products, but for consumers who were +neither laborers nor capitalists there was no mercy. Strikes were a +thing of the past; strike-breakers threw themselves gratefully into +the arms of the unions; “industrial discontent” +vanished, in the words of a contemporary poet, “as by the +stroke of an enchanter’s wand.” All was peace, +tranquillity and order! Then the storm broke.</p> +<p>A man in St. Louis purchased a sheep’s kidney for +seven-and-a-half dollars. In his rage at the price he exclaimed: +“As a public man I have given twenty of the best years of my +life to bringing about a friendly understanding between capital and +labor. I have succeeded, and may God have mercy on my meddlesome +soul!”</p> +<p>The remark was resented, a riot ensued, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page84" name="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span>and when +the sun went down that evening his last beams fell upon a city +reeking with the blood of a hundred millionaires and twenty +thousand citizens and sons of toil!</p> +<p>Students of the history of those troublous times need not to be +told what other and more awful events followed that bloody +reprisal. Within forty-eight hours the country was ablaze with +insurrection, followed by intestinal wars which lasted three +hundred and seventy years and were marked by such hideous +barbarities as the modern historian can hardly bring himself to +relate. The entire stupendous edifice of popular government, temple +and citadel of fallacies and abuses, had crashed to ruin. For +centuries its fallen columns and scattered stones sheltered an ever +diminishing number of skulking anarchists, succeeded by hordes of +skin-clad savages subsisting on offal and raw flesh—the +race-remnant of an extinct civilization. All finally vanished from +history into a darkness impenetrable to conjecture.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In concluding this hasty and imperfect sketch I cannot forbear +to relate an episode of the destructive and unnatural contest +between labor and capital, which I find recorded <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page85" name="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span>in the +almost forgotten work of Antrolius, who was an eye-witness to the +incident.</p> +<p>At a time when the passions of both parties were most inflamed +and scenes of violence most frequent it was somehow noised about +that at a certain hour of a certain day some one—none could +say who—would stand upon the steps of the Capitol and speak +to the people, expounding a plan for reconciliation of all +conflicting interests and pacification of the quarrel. At the +appointed hour thousands had assembled to hear—glowering +capitalists attended by hireling body-guards with firearms, sullen +laborers with dynamite bombs concealed in their clothing. All eyes +were directed to the specified spot, where suddenly appeared (none +saw whence—it seemed as if he had been there all the time, +such his tranquillity) a tall, pale man clad in a long robe, +bare-headed, his hair falling lightly upon his shoulders, his eyes +full of compassion, and with such majesty of face and mien that all +were awed to silence ere he spoke. Stepping slowly forward toward +the throng and raising his right hand from the elbow, the index +finger extended upward, he said, in a voice ineffably sweet and +serious: <span class="pagenum"><a id="page86" name="page86"></a>[pg +86]</span>“Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, +even so do ye also unto them.”</p> +<p>These strange words he repeated in the same solemn tones three +times; then, as the expectant multitude waited breathless for his +discourse, stepped quietly down into the midst of them, every one +afterward declaring that he passed within a pace of where himself +had stood. For a moment the crowd was speechless with surprise and +disappointment, then broke into wild, fierce cries: “Lynch +him, lynch him!” and some have testified that they heard the +word “crucify.” Struggling into looser order, the +infuriated mob started in mad pursuit; but each man ran a different +way and the stranger was seen again by none of them.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page87" name="page87"></a>[pg +87]</span></p> +<h2><a id="landbeyond" name="landbeyond">The Land Beyond the +Blow</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<h4>(After the method of Swift, who followed Lucian, and was +himself followed by Voltaire and many others.)</h4> +<!-- [pg 88] --> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page89" name="page89"></a>[pg +89]</span></p> +<h3><a id="thither" name="thither">Thither</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A crowd of men were assisting at a dog-fight. The scene was one +of indescribable confusion. In the center of the tumult the dogs, +obscure in a cloud of dust, rolled over and over, howling, yarring, +tearing each other with sickening ferocity. About them the hardly +less ferocious men shouted, cursed and struck, encouraged the +animals with sibilant utterances and threatened with awful forms of +death and perdition all who tried to put an end to the combat. +Caught in the thick of this pitiless mob I endeavored to make my +way to a place of peace, when a burly blackguard, needlessly +obstructing me, said derisively:</p> +<p>“I guess you are working pockets.”</p> +<p>“You are a liar!” I retorted hotly.</p> +<p>That is all the provocation that I remember to have given.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page90" name="page90"></a>[pg +90]</span></p> +<h3><a id="sons" name="sons">Sons of the Fair Star</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>When consciousness returned the sun was high in the heavens, yet +the light was dim, and had that indefinable ghastly quality that is +observed during a partial eclipse. The sun itself appeared +singularly small, as if it were at an immensely greater distance +than usual. Rising with some difficulty to my feet, I looked about +me. I was in an open space among some trees growing on the slope of +a mountain range whose summit on the one hand was obscured by a +mist of a strange pinkish hue, and on the other rose into peaks +glittering with snow. Skirting the base at a distance of two or +three miles flowed a wide river, and beyond it a nearly level plain +stretched away to the horizon, dotted with villages and farmhouses +and apparently in a high state of cultivation. All was unfamiliar +in its every aspect. The trees were unlike any that I had ever seen +or even imagined, the trunks being mostly square and the foliage +consisting of slender filaments resembling hair, in many instances +long enough to reach the earth. It was of many <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page91" name="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span>colors, +and I could not perceive that there was any prevailing one, as +green is in the vegetation to which I was accustomed. As far as I +could see there were no grass, no weeds, no flowers; the earth was +covered with a kind of lichen, uniformly blue. Instead of rocks, +great masses of metals protruded here and there, and above me on +the mountain were high cliffs of what seemed to be bronze veined +with brass. No animals were visible, but a few birds as uncommon in +appearance as their surroundings glided through the air or perched +upon the rocks. I say glided, for their motion was not true flight, +their wings being mere membranes extended parallel to their sides, +and having no movement independent of the body. The bird was, so to +say, suspended between them and moved forward by quick strokes of a +pair of enormously large webbed feet, precisely as a duck propels +itself in water. All these things excited in me no surprise, nor +even curiosity; they were merely unfamiliar. That which most +interested me was what appeared to be a bridge several miles away, +up the river, and to this I directed my steps, crossing over from +the barren and desolate hills to the populous plain.</p> +<p>For a full history of my life and adventures <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page92" name="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span>in +Mogon-Zwair, and a detailed description of the country, its people, +their manners and customs, I must ask the reader to await the +publication of a book, now in the press, entitled <em>A Blackened +Eye</em>; in this brief account I can give only a few of such +particulars as seem instructive by contrast with our own +civilization.</p> +<p>The inhabitants of Mogon-Zwair call themselves Golampis, a word +signifying Sons of the Fair Star. Physically they closely resemble +ourselves, being in all respects the equals of the highest +Caucasian type. Their hair, however, has a broader scheme of color, +hair of every hue known to us, and even of some imperceptible to my +eyes but brilliant to theirs, being too common to excite remark. A +Golampian assemblage with uncovered heads resembles, indeed, a +garden of flowers, vivid and deep in color, no two alike. They wear +no clothing of any kind, excepting for adornment and protection +from the weather, resembling in this the ancient Greeks and the +Japanese of yesterday; nor was I ever able to make them comprehend +that clothing could be worn for those reasons for which it is +chiefly worn among ourselves. They are destitute of those feelings +of delicacy and refinement <span class="pagenum"><a id="page93" +name="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span>which distinguish us from the lower +animals, and which, in the opinion of our acutest and most pious +thinkers, are evidences of our close relation to the Power that +made us.</p> +<p>Among this people certain ideas which are current among +ourselves as mere barren faiths expressed in disregarded platitudes +receive a practical application to the affairs of life. For +example, they hold, with the best, wisest and most experienced of +our own race, and one other hereafter to be described, that wealth +does not bring happiness and is a misfortune and an evil. None but +the most ignorant and depraved, therefore, take the trouble to +acquire or preserve it. A rich Golampi is naturally regarded with +contempt and suspicion, is shunned by the good and respectable and +subjected to police surveillance. Accustomed to a world where the +rich man is profoundly and justly respected for his goodness and +wisdom (manifested in part by his own deprecatory protests against +the wealth of which, nevertheless, he is apparently unable to rid +himself) I was at first greatly pained to observe the contumelious +manner of the Golampis toward this class of men, carried in some +instances to the length <span class="pagenum"><a id="page94" name= +"page94"></a>[pg 94]</span>of personal violence; a popular +amusement being the pelting them with coins. These the victims +would carefully gather from the ground and carry away with them, +thus increasing their hoard and making themselves all the more +liable to popular indignities.</p> +<p>When the cultivated and intelligent Golampi finds himself +growing too wealthy he proceeds to get rid of his surplus riches by +some one of many easy expedients. One of these I have just +described; another is to give his excess to those of his own class +who have not sufficient to buy employment and so escape leisure, +which is considered the greatest evil of all. +“Idleness,” says one of their famous authors, “is +the child of poverty and the parent of discontent”; and +another great writer says: “No one is without employment; the +indolent man works for his enemies.”</p> +<p>In conformity to these ideas the Golampis—all but the +ignorant and vicious rich—look upon labor as the highest +good, and the man who is so unfortunate as not to have enough money +to purchase employment in some useful industry will rather engage +in a useless one than not labor at all. It is not unusual to see +hundreds of men carrying water from a <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page95" name="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span>river and pouring it into +a natural ravine or artificial channel, through which it runs back +into the stream. Frequently a man is seen conveying stones—or +the masses of metal which there correspond to stones—from one +pile to another. When all have been heaped in a single place he +will convey them back again, or to a new place, and so proceed +until darkness puts an end to the work. This kind of labor, +however, does not confer the satisfaction derived from the +consciousness of being useful, and is never performed by any person +having the means to hire another to employ him in some beneficial +industry. The wages usually paid to employers are from three to six +<em>balukan</em> a day. This statement may seem incredible, but I +solemnly assure the reader that I have known a bad workman or a +feeble woman to pay as high as eight; and there have been instances +of men whose incomes had outgrown their desires paying even +more.</p> +<p>Labor being a luxury which only those in easy circumstances can +afford, the poor are the more eager for it, not only because it is +denied them, but because it is a sign of respectability. Many of +them, therefore, indulge in it on credit and soon find themselves +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page96" name="page96"></a>[pg +96]</span>deprived of what little property they had to satisfy +their hardfisted employers. A poor woman once complained to me that +her husband spent every <em>rylat</em> that he could get in the +purchase of the most expensive kinds of employment, while she and +the children were compelled to content themselves with such cheap +and coarse activity as dragging an old wagon round and round in a +small field which a kind-hearted neighbor permitted them to use for +the purpose. I afterward saw this improvident husband and unnatural +father. He had just squandered all the money he had been able to +beg or borrow in buying six tickets, which entitled the holder to +that many days’ employment in pitching hay into a barn. A +week later I met him again. He was broken in health, his limbs +trembled, his walk was an uncertain shuffle. Clearly he was +suffering from overwork. As I paused by the wayside to speak to him +a wagon loaded with hay was passing. He fixed his eyes upon it with +a hungry, wolfish glare, clutched a pitchfork and leaned eagerly +forward, watching the vanishing wagon with breathless attention and +heedless of my salutation. That night he was arrested, streaming +with perspiration, in the unlawful act of unloading <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page97" name="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span>that hay +and putting it into its owner’s barn. He was tried, convicted +and sentenced to six months’ detention in the House of +Indolence.</p> +<p>The whole country is infested by a class of criminal vagrants +known as <em>strambaltis</em>, or, as we should say, +“tramps.” These persons prowl about among the farms and +villages begging for work in the name of charity. Sometimes they +travel in groups, as many as a dozen together, and then the farmer +dares not refuse them; and before he can notify the constabulary +they will have performed a great deal of the most useful labor that +they can find to do and escaped without paying a <em>rylat</em>. +One trustworthy agriculturist assured me that his losses in one +year from these depredations amounted to no less a sum than seven +hundred <em>balukan</em>! On nearly all the larger and more +isolated farms a strong force of guards is maintained during the +greater part of the year to prevent these outrages, but they are +frequently overpowered, and sometimes prove unfaithful to their +trust by themselves working secretly by night.</p> +<p>The Golampi priesthood has always denounced overwork as a deadly +sin, and declared useless and apparently harmless work, such as +carrying water from the river and letting <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page98" name="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span>it flow in +again, a distinct violation of the divine law, in which, however, I +could never find any reference to the matter; but there has +recently risen a sect which holds that all labor being pleasurable, +each kind in its degree is immoral and wicked. This sect, which +embraces many of the most holy and learned men, is rapidly +spreading and becoming a power in the state. It has, of course, no +churches, for these cannot be built without labor, and its members +commonly dwell in caves and live upon such roots and berries as can +be easily gathered, of which the country produces a great abundance +though all are exceedingly unpalatable. These <em>Gropoppsu</em> +(as the members of this sect call themselves) pass most of their +waking hours sitting in the sunshine with folded hands, +contemplating their navels; by the practice of which austerity they +hope to obtain as reward an eternity of hard labor after death.</p> +<p>The Golampis are an essentially pious and religious race. There +are few, indeed, who do not profess at least one religion. They are +nearly all, in a certain sense, polytheists: they worship a supreme +and beneficent deity by one name or another, but all believe in the +existence of a subordinate and malevolent <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page99" name="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span>one, whom +also, while solemnly execrating him in public rites, they hold at +heart in such reverence that needlessly to mention his name or that +of his dwelling is considered sin of a rank hardly inferior to +blasphemy. I am persuaded that this singular tenderness toward a +being whom their theology represents as an abominable monster, the +origin of all evil and the foe to souls, is a survival of an +ancient propitiatory adoration. Doubtless this wicked deity was +once so feared that his conciliation was one of the serious +concerns of life. He is probably as greatly feared now as at any +former time, but is apparently less hated, and is by some honestly +admired.</p> +<p>It is interesting to observe the important place held in +Golampian affairs by religious persecution. The Government is a +pure theocracy, all the Ministers of State and the principal +functionaries in every department of control belonging to the +priesthood of the dominant church. It is popularly believed in +Mogon-Zwair that persecution, even to the extent of taking life, is +in the long run beneficial to the cause enduring it. This belief +has, indeed, been crystallized into a popular proverb, not capable +of accurate translation <span class="pagenum"><a id="page100" name= +"page100"></a>[pg 100]</span>into our tongue, but to the effect +that martyrs fertilize religion by pouring out their blood about +its roots. Acting upon this belief with their characteristically +logical and conscientious directness, the sacerdotal rulers of the +country mercilessly afflict the sect to which themselves belong. +They arrest its leading members on false charges, throw them into +loathsome and unwholesome dungeons, subject them to the crudest +tortures and sometimes put them to death. The provinces in which +the state religion is especially strong are occasionally raided and +pillaged by government soldiery, recruited for the purpose by +conscription among the dissenting sects, and are sometimes actually +devastated with fire and sword. The result is not altogether +confirmatory of the popular belief and does not fulfil the pious +hope of the governing powers who are cruel to be kind. The +vitalizing efficacy of persecution is not to be doubted, but the +persecuted of too feeble faith frequently thwart its beneficent +intent and happy operation by apostasy.</p> +<p>Having in mind the horrible torments which a Golampian general +had inflicted upon the population of a certain town I once ventured +to protest to him that so dreadful a <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page101" name="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span>sum of suffering, +seeing that it did not accomplish its purpose, was needless and +unwise.</p> +<p>“Needless and unwise it may be,” said he, “and +I am disposed to admit that the result which I expected from it has +not followed; but why do you speak of the <em>sum</em> of +suffering? I tortured those people in but a single, simple +way—by skinning their legs.”</p> +<p>“Ah, that is very true,” said I, “but you +skinned the legs of one thousand.”</p> +<p>“And what of that?” he asked. “Can one +thousand, or ten thousand, or any number of persons suffer more +agony than one? A man may have his leg broken, then his nails +pulled out, then be seared with a hot iron. Here is suffering added +to suffering, and the effect is really cumulative. In the true +mathematical sense it is a <em>sum</em> of suffering. A single +person can experience it. But consider, my dear sir. How can you +add one man’s agony to another’s? They are not addable +quantities. Each is an individual pain, unaffected by the other. +The limit of anguish which ingenuity can inflict is that utmost +pang which one man has the vitality to endure.”</p> +<p>I was convinced but not silenced.</p> +<p>The Golampians all believe, singularly enough, that truth +possesses some inherent vitality <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page102" name="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span>and power that give it +an assured prevalence over falsehood; that a good name cannot be +permanently defiled and irreparably ruined by detraction, but, like +a star, shines all the brighter for the shadow through which it is +seen; that justice cannot be stayed by injustice; that vice is +powerless against virtue. I could quote from their great writers +hundreds of utterances affirmative of these propositions. One of +their poets, for example, has some striking and original lines, of +which the following is a literal but unmetrical translation:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A man who is in the right has three arms,</p> +<p>But he whose conscience is rotten with wrong</p> +<p>Is stripped and confined in a metal cell.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Imbued with these beliefs, the Golampis think it hardly worth +while to be truthful, to abstain from slander, to do justice and to +avoid vicious actions. “The practice,” they say, +“of deceit, calumniation, oppression and immorality cannot +have any sensible and lasting injurious effect, and it is most +agreeable to the mind and heart. Why should there be personal +self-denial without commensurate general advantage?”</p> +<p>In consequence of these false views, affirmed <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page103" name="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span>by +those whom they regard as great and wise, the people of Mogon-Zwair +are, as far as I have observed them, the most conscienceless liars, +cheats, thieves, rakes and all-round, many-sided sinners that ever +were created to be damned. It was, therefore, with inexpressible +joy that I received one day legal notification that I had been +tried in the High Court of Conviction and sentenced to banishment +to Lalugnan. My offense was that I had said that I regarded +consistency as the most detestable of all vices.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page104" name="page104"></a>[pg +104]</span></p> +<h3><a id="gnarmag" name="gnarmag">An Interview with +Gnarmag-Zote</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Mogon-Zwair and Lalugnan, having the misfortune to lie on +opposite sides of a line, naturally hate each other; so each +country sends its dangerous political criminals into the other, +where they usually enjoy high honors and are sometimes elevated to +important office under the crown. I was therefore received in +Lalugnan with hospitality and given every encouragement in +prosecuting my researches into the history and intellectual life of +the people. They are so extraordinary a people, inhabiting so +marvelous a country, that everything which the traveler sees, hears +or experiences makes a lively and lasting impression upon his mind, +and the labor of a lifetime would be required to relate the +observation of a single year. I shall notice here only one or two +points of national character—those which differ most +conspicuously from ours, and in which, consequently, they are least +worthy.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page105" name="page105"></a>[pg +105]</span>With a fatuity hardly more credible than creditable, the +Lalugwumps, as they call themselves, deny the immortality of the +soul. In all my stay in their country I found only one person who +believed in a life “beyond the grave,” as we should +say, though as the Lalugwumps are cannibals they would say +“beyond the stomach.” In testimony to the consolatory +value of the doctrine of another life, I may say that this one true +believer had in this life a comparatively unsatisfactory lot, for +in early youth he had been struck by a flying stone from a volcano +and had lost a considerable part of his brain.</p> +<p>I cannot better set forth the nature and extent of the +Lalugwumpian error regarding this matter than by relating a +conversation that occurred between me and one of the high officers +of the King’s household—a man whose proficiency in all +the vices of antiquity, together with his service to the realm in +determining the normal radius of curvature in cats’ claws, +had elevated him to the highest plane of political preferment. His +name was Gnarmag-Zote.</p> +<p>“You tell me,” said he, “that the soul is +immaterial. Now, matter is that of which we can have knowledge +through one or more of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page106" name= +"page106"></a>[pg 106]</span>our senses. Of what is +immaterial—not matter—we can gain no knowledge in that +way. How, then, can we know anything about it?”</p> +<p>Perceiving that he did not rightly apprehend my position I +abandoned it and shifted the argument to another ground. +“Consider,” I said, “the analogous case of a +thought. You will hardly call thought material, yet we know there +are thoughts.”</p> +<p>“I beg your pardon, but we do not know that. Thought is +not a thing, therefore cannot <em>be</em> in any such sense, for +example, as the hand <em>is</em>. We use the word +‘thought’ to designate the result of an action of the +brain, precisely as we use the word ‘speed’ to +designate the result of an action of a horse’s legs. But can +it be said that speed <em>exists</em> in the same way as the legs +which produce it exist, or in any way? Is it a thing?”</p> +<p>I was about to disdain to reply, when I saw an old man +approaching, with bowed head, apparently in deep distress. As he +drew near he saluted my distinguished interlocutor in the manner of +the country, by putting out his tongue to its full extent and +moving it slowly from side to side. Gnarmag-Zote acknowledged the +civility by courteously spitting, and the old man, advancing, +seated himself at the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page107" name= +"page107"></a>[pg 107]</span>great officer’s feet, saying: +“Exalted Sir, I have just lost my wife by death, and am in a +most melancholy frame of mind. He who has mastered all the vices of +the ancients and wrested from nature the secret of the normal +curvature of cats’ claws can surely spare from his wisdom a +few rays of philosophy to cheer an old man’s gloom. Pray tell +me what I shall do to assuage my grief.”</p> +<p>The reader can, perhaps, faintly conceive my astonishment when +Gnarmag-Zote gravely replied: “Kill yourself.”</p> +<p>“Surely,” I cried, “you would not have this +honest fellow procure oblivion (since you think that death is +nothing else) by so rash an act!”</p> +<p>“An act that Gnarmag-Zote advises,” he said, coldly, +“is not rash.”</p> +<p>“But death,” I said, “death, whatever else it +may be, is an end of life. This old man is now in sorrow almost +insupportable. But a few days and it will be supportable; a few +months and it will have become no more than a tender melancholy. At +last it will disappear, and in the society of his friends, in the +skill of his cook, the profits of avarice, the study of how to be +querulous and in the pursuit of loquacity, he will again experience +the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page108" name="page108"></a>[pg +108]</span>joys of age. Why for a present grief should he deprive +himself of all future happiness?”</p> +<p>Gnarmag-Zote looked upon me with something like compassion. +“My friend,” said he, “guest of my sovereign and +my country, know that in any circumstances, even those upon which +true happiness is based and conditioned, death is preferable to +life. The sum of miseries in any life (here in Lalugnan at least) +exceeds the sum of pleasures; but suppose that it did not. Imagine +an existence in which happiness, of whatever intensity, is the +rule, and discomfort, of whatever moderation, the exception. Still +there is some discomfort. There is none in death, for (as it is +given to us to know) that is oblivion, annihilation. True, by dying +one loses his happiness as well as his sorrows, but he is not +conscious of the loss. Surely, a loss of which one will never know, +and which, if it operate to make him less happy, at the same time +takes from him the desire and capacity and need of happiness, +cannot be an evil. That is so intelligently understood among us +here in Lalugnan that suicide is common, and our word for sufferer +is the same as that for fool. If this good man had not been an +idiot he would have taken his life as soon as he was +bereaved.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a>[pg +109]</span>“If what you say of the blessing of death is +true,” I said, smilingly, for I greatly prided myself on the +ingenuity of my thought, “it is unnecessary to commit suicide +through grief for the dead; for the more you love the more glad you +should be that the object of your affection has passed into so +desirable a state as death.”</p> +<p>“So we are—those of us who have cultivated +philosophy, history and logic; but this poor fellow is still under +the domination of feelings inherited from a million ignorant and +superstitious ancestors—for Lalugnan was once as barbarous a +country as your own. The most grotesque and frightful conceptions +of death, and life after death, were current; and now many of even +those whose understandings are emancipated wear upon their feelings +the heavy chain of heredity.”</p> +<p>“But,” said I, “granting for the sake of the +argument which I am about to build upon the concession” (I +could not bring myself to use the idiotic and meaningless phrase, +“for the sake of argument”) “that death, +especially the death of a Lalugwump, is desirable, yet the act of +dying, the transition state between living and being dead, may be +accompanied by the most painful physical, and most terrifying +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page110" name="page110"></a>[pg +110]</span>mental phenomena. The moment of dissolution may seem to +the exalted sensibilities of the moribund a century of +horrors.”</p> +<p>The great man smiled again, with a more intolerable benignity +than before. “There is no such thing as dying,” he +said; “the ‘transition state’ is a creation of +your fancy and an evidence of imperfect reason. One is at any time +either alive or dead. The one condition cannot shade off into the +other. There is no gradation like that between waking and sleeping. +By the way, do you recognize a certain resemblance between death +and a dreamless sleep?”</p> +<p>“Yes—death as you conceive it to be.”</p> +<p>“Well, does any one fear sleep? Do we not seek it, court +it, wish that it may be sound—that is to say, dreamless? We +desire occasional annihilation—wish to be dead for eight and +ten hours at a time. True, we expect to awake, but that +expectation, while it may account for our alacrity in embracing +sleep, cannot alter the character of the state that we cheerfully +go into. Suppose we did <em>not</em> wake in the morning, never did +wake! Would our mental and spiritual condition be in any respect +different through all eternity from what it was during the first +few hours? <span class="pagenum"><a id="page111" name= +"page111"></a>[pg 111]</span>After how many hours does oblivion +begin to be an evil? The man who loves to sleep yet hates to die +might justly be granted everlasting life with everlasting +insomnia.”</p> +<p>Gnarmag-Zote paused and appeared to be lost in the profundity of +his thoughts, but I could easily enough see that he was only taking +breath. The old man whose grief had given this turn to the +conversation had fallen asleep and was roaring in the nose like a +beast. The rush of a river near by, as it poured up a hill from the +ocean, and the shrill singing of several kinds of brilliant +quadrupeds were the only other sounds audible. I waited +deferentially for the great antiquarian, scientist and courtier to +resume, amusing myself meantime by turning over the leaves of an +official report by the Minister of War on a new and improved +process of making thunder from snail slime. Presently the oracle +spoke.</p> +<p>“You have been born,” he said, which was true. +“There was, it follows, a time when you had not been born. As +we reckon time, it was probably some millions of ages. Of this +considerable period you are unable to remember one unhappy moment, +and in point of fact there was none. To a Lalugwump that is +entirely <span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" name= +"page112"></a>[pg 112]</span>conclusive as to the relative values +of consciousness and oblivion, existence and nonexistence, life and +death. This old man lying here at my feet is now, if not dreaming, +as if he had never been born. Would not it be cruel and inhuman to +wake him back to grief? Is it, then, kind to permit him to wake by +the natural action of his own physical energies? I have given him +the advice for which he asked. Believing it good advice, and seeing +him too irresolute to act, it seems my clear duty to assist +him.”</p> +<p>Before I could interfere, even had I dared take the liberty to +do so, Gnarmag-Zote struck the old man a terrible blow upon the +head with his mace of office. The victim turned upon his back, +spread his fingers, shivered convulsively and was dead.</p> +<p>“You need not be shocked,” said the distinguished +assassin, coolly: “I have but performed a sacred duty and +religious rite. The religion (established first in this realm by +King Skanghutch, the sixty-second of that name) consists in the +worship of Death. We have sacred books, some three thousand thick +volumes, said to be written by inspiration of Death himself, whom +no mortal has ever seen, but who is described by our priests as +having <span class="pagenum"><a id="page113" name="page113"></a>[pg +113]</span>the figure of a fat young man with a red face and +wearing an affable smile. In art he is commonly represented in the +costume of a husbandman sowing seeds.</p> +<p>“The priests and sacred books teach that death is the +supreme and only good—that the chief duties of man are, +therefore, assassination and suicide. Conviction of these cardinal +truths is universal among us, but I am sorry to say that many do +not honestly live up to the faith. Most of us are commendably +zealous in assassination, but slack and lukewarm in suicide. Some +justify themselves in this half-hearted observance of the Law and +imperfect submission to the Spirit by arguing that if they destroy +themselves their usefulness in destroying others will be greatly +abridged. ‘I find,’ says one of our most illustrious +writers, not without a certain force, it must be confessed, +‘that I can slay many more of others than I can of +myself.’</p> +<p>“There are still others, more distinguished for faith than +works, who reason that if A kill B, B cannot kill C. So it happens +that although many Lalugwumps die, mostly by the hands of others, +though some by their own, the country is never wholly +depopulated.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page114" name="page114"></a>[pg +114]</span>“In my own country,” said I, “is a +sect holding somewhat Lalugwumpian views of the evil of life; and +among the members it is considered a sin to bestow it. The +philosopher Schopenhauer taught the same doctrine, and many of our +rulers have shown strong sympathetic leanings toward it by +procuring the destruction of many of their own people and those of +other nations in what is called war.”</p> +<p>“They are greatly to be commended,” said +Gnarmag-Zote, rising to intimate that the conversation was at an +end. I respectfully protruded my tongue while he withdrew into his +palace, spitting politely and with unusual copiousness in +acknowledgment. A few minutes later, but before I had left the +spot, two lackeys in livery emerged from the door by which he had +entered, and while one shouldered the body of the old man and +carried it into the palace kitchen the other informed me that his +Highness was graciously pleased to desire my company at dinner that +evening. With many expressions of regret I declined the invitation, +unaware that to do so was treason. With the circumstances of my +escape to the island of Tamtonia the newspapers have made the world +already familiar.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a>[pg +115]</span></p> +<h3><a id="tamtonians" name="tamtonians">The Tamtonians</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In all my intercourse with the Tamtonians I was treated with the +most distinguished consideration and no obstacles to a perfect +understanding of their social and political life were thrown in my +way. My enforced residence on the island was, however, too brief to +enable me to master the whole subject as I should have liked to +do.</p> +<p>The government of Tamtonia is what is known in the language of +the island as a <em>gilbuper</em>. It differs radically from any +form known in other parts of the world and is supposed to have been +invented by an ancient chief of the race, named Natas, who was for +many centuries after his death worshiped as a god, and whose memory +is still held in veneration. The government is of infinite +complexity, its various functions distributed among as many +officers as possible, multiplication of places being regarded as of +the greatest importance, and not so much a means as an end. The +Tamtonians seem to think <span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" +name="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span>that the highest good to which a +human being can attain is the possession of an office; and in order +that as many as possible may enjoy that advantage they have as many +offices as the country will support, and make the tenure brief and +in no way dependent on good conduct and intelligent administration +of official duty. In truth, it occurs usually that a man is turned +out of his office (in favor of an incompetent successor) before he +has acquired sufficient experience to perform his duties with +credit to himself or profit to the country. Owing to this +incredible folly, the affairs of the island are badly mismanaged. +Complaints are the rule, even from those who have had their way in +the choice of officers. Of course there can be no such thing as a +knowledge of the science of government among such a people, for it +is to nobody’s interest to acquire it by study of political +history. There is, indeed, a prevalent belief that nothing worth +knowing is to be learned from the history of other +nations—not even from the history of their errors—such +is this extraordinary people’s national vanity! One of the +most notable consequences of this universal and voluntary ignorance +is that Tamtonia is the home of all the discreditable political +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a>[pg +117]</span>and fiscal heresies from which many other nations, and +especially our own, emancipated themselves centuries ago. They are +there in vigorous growth and full flower, and believed to be of +purely Tamtonian origin.</p> +<p>It needs hardly to be stated that in their personal affairs +these people pursue an entirely different course, for if they did +not there could be no profitable industries and professions among +them, and no property to tax for the support of their government. +In his private business a Tamtonian has as high appreciation of +fitness and experience as anybody, and having secured a good man +keeps him in service as long as possible.</p> +<p>The ruler of the nation, whom they call a <em>Tnediserp</em>, is +chosen every five years but may be rechosen for five more. He is +supposed to be selected by the people themselves, but in reality +they have nothing to do with his selection. The method of choosing +a man for <em>Tnediserp</em> is so strange that I doubt my ability +to make it clear.</p> +<p>The adult male population of the island divides itself into two +or more <em>seitrap</em><sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. The +Tamtonian language forms its plurals most irregularly, but usually +by an initial inflection. It has a certain crude and primitive +grammar, but in point of orthoepy is extremely difficult. With our +letters I can hardly hope to give an accurate conception of its +pronunciation. As nearly as possible I write its words as they +sounded to my ear when carefully spoken for my instruction by +intelligent natives. It is a harsh tongue.</span> Commonly +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page118" name="page118"></a>[pg +118]</span>there are three or four, but only two ever have any +considerable numerical strength, and none is ever strong morally or +intellectually. All the members of each <em>ytrap</em> profess the +same political opinions, which are provided for them by their +leaders every five years and written down on pieces of paper so +that they will not be forgotten. The moment that any Tamtonian has +read his piece of paper, or <em>mroftalp</em>, he unhesitatingly +adopts all the opinions that he finds written on it, sometimes as +many as forty or fifty, although these may be altogether different +from, or even antagonistic to, those with which he was supplied +five years before and has been advocating ever since. It will be +seen from this that the Tamtonian mind is a thing whose processes +no American can hope to respect, or even understand. It is +instantaneously convinced without either fact or argument, and when +these are afterward presented they only confirm it in its +miraculous conviction; those which make against that conviction +having an even stronger confirmatory power than the others. I have +said any Tamtonian, but that is an overstatement. A <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>few +usually persist in thinking as they did before; or in altering +their convictions in obedience to reason instead of authority, as +our own people do; but they are at once assailed with the most +opprobrious names, accused of treason and all manner of crimes, +pelted with mud and stones and in some instances deprived of their +noses and ears by the public executioner. Yet in no country is +independence of thought so vaunted as a virtue, and in none is +freedom of speech considered so obvious a natural right or so +necessary to good government.</p> +<p>At the same time that each <em>ytrap</em> is supplied with its +political opinions for the next five years, its leaders—who, +I am told, all pursue the vocation of sharpening axes—name a +man whom they wish chosen for the office of <em>Tnediserp</em>. He +is usually an idiot from birth, the Tamtonians having a great +veneration for such, believing them to be divinely inspired. +Although few members of the <em>ytrap</em> have ever heard of him +before, they at once believe him to have been long the very +greatest idiot in the country; and for the next few months they do +little else than quote his words and point to his actions to prove +that his idiocy is of entirely superior quality to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page120" name="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>that of +his opponent—a view that he himself, instructed by his +discoverers, does and says all that he can to confirm. His +inarticulate mumblings are everywhere repeated as utterances of +profound wisdom, and the slaver that drools from his chin is +carefully collected and shown to the people, evoking the wildest +enthusiasm of his supporters. His opponents all this time are +trying to blacken his character by the foulest conceivable +falsehoods, some even going so far as to assert that he is not an +idiot at all! It is generally agreed among them that if he were +chosen to office the most dreadful disasters would ensue, and that, +<em>therefore</em>, he will not be chosen.</p> +<p>To this last mentioned conviction, namely that the opposing +candidate (<em>rehtot lacsar</em>) cannot possibly be chosen, I +wish to devote a few words here, for it seems to me one of the most +extraordinary phenomena of the human mind. It implies, of course, a +profound belief in the wisdom of majorities and the error of +minorities. This belief can and does in some mysterious way +co-exist, in the Tamtonian understanding, with the deepest disgust +and most earnest disapproval of a decision which a majority has +made. It is of record, indeed, that one political <em>ytrap</em> +sustained <span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name= +"page121"></a>[pg 121]</span>no fewer than six successive defeats +without at all impairing its conviction that the right side must +win. In each recurring contest this ytrap was as sure that it would +succeed as it had been in all the preceding ones—and sure +<em>because</em> it believed itself in the right! It has been held +by some native observers that this conviction is not actually +entertained, but only professed for the purpose of influencing the +action of others; but this is disproved by the fact that even after +the contest is decided, though the result is unknown—when +nobody’s action can have effect—the leaders +(ax-sharpeners) continue earnestly to “claim” this +province and that, up to the very last moment of uncertainty, and +the common people murder one another in the streets for the crime +of doubting that the man is chosen whom the assassin was pleased to +prefer. When the majority of a province has chosen one candidate +and a majority of the nation another, the mental situation of the +worthy Tamtonian is not over-easy of conception, but there can be +no doubt that his faith in the wisdom of majorities remains +unshaken.</p> +<p>One of the two antagonistic idiots having been chosen as ruler, +it is customary to speak <span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" +name="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>of him as “the choice of +the people,” whereas it is obvious that he is one of the few +men, seldom exceeding two or three, whom it is certainly known that +nearly one-half the people regard as unfit for the position. He is +less certainly “the people’s choice” than any +other man in the country excepting his unsuccessful opponents; for +while it is known that a large body of his countrymen did not want +him, it cannot be known how many of his supporters really preferred +some other person, but had no opportunity to make their preference +effective.</p> +<p>The Tamtonians are very proud of their form of government, which +gives them so much power in selecting their rulers. This power +consists in the privilege of choosing between two men whom but a +few had a voice in selecting from among many millions, any one of +whom the rest might have preferred to either. Yet every Tamtonian +is as vain of possessing this incalculably small influence as if he +were a Warwick in making kings and a Bismarck in using them. He +gives himself as many airs and graces as would be appropriate to +the display of an honest pin-feather upon the pope’s-nose of +a mooley peacock.</p> +<p>Each congenital idiot whom the ax-grinders <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>name +for the office of <em>Tnediserp</em> has upon the +“ticket” with him a dead man, who stands or falls with +his leader. There is no way of voting for the idiot without voting +for the corpse also, and <em>vice versa</em>. When one of these +precious couples has been chosen the idiot in due time enters upon +the duties of his office and the corpse is put into an ice-chest +and carefully preserved from decay. If the idiot should himself +become a corpse he is buried at once and the other body is then +haled out of its ice to take his place. It is propped up in the +seat of authority and duly instated in power. This is the signal +for a general attack upon it. It is subjected to every kind of +sacrilegious indignity, vituperated as a usurper and an +“accident,” struck with rotten eggs and dead cats, and +undergoes the meanest misrepresentation. Its attitude in the chair, +its fallen jaw, glazed eyes and degree of decomposition are +caricatured and exaggerated out of all reason. Yet such as it is it +must be endured for the unexpired term for which its predecessor +was chosen. To guard against a possible interregnum, however, a law +has recently been passed providing that if it should tumble out of +the chair and be too rotten to set up again its clerks <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg +124]</span>(<em>seiraterces</em>) are eligible to its place in a +stated order of succession. Here we have the amazing anomaly of the +rulers of a “free” people actually appointing their +potential successors!—a thing inexpressibly repugnant to all +our ideas of popular government, but apparently regarded in +Tamtonia as a matter of course.</p> +<p>During the few months intervening between the ax-men’s +selection of candidates and the people’s choice between those +selected (a period known as the <em>laitnediserp ngiapmac</em>) the +Tamtonian character is seen at its worst. There is no infamy too +great or too little for the partisans of the various candidates to +commit and accuse their opponents of committing. While every one of +them declares, and in his heart believes, that honest arguments +have greater weight than dishonest; that falsehood reacts on the +falsifier’s cause; that appeals to passion and prejudice are +as ineffectual as dishonorable, few have the strength and sense to +deny themselves the luxury of all these methods and worse ones. The +laws against bribery, made by themselves, are set at naught and +those of civility and good breeding are forgotten. The best of +friends quarrel and openly insult one another. <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page125" name="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>The +women, who know almost as little of the matters at issue as the +men, take part in the abominable discussions; some even encouraging +the general demoralization by showing themselves at the public +meetings, sometimes actually putting themselves into uniform and +marching in procession with banners, music and torchlights.</p> +<p>I feel that this last statement will be hardly understood +without explanation. Among the agencies employed by the Tamtonians +to prove that one set of candidates is better than another, or to +show that one political policy is more likely than another to +promote the general prosperity, a high place is accorded to colored +rags, flames of fire, noises made upon brass instruments, +inarticulate shouts, explosions of gunpowder and lines of men +walking and riding through the streets in cheap and tawdry costumes +more or less alike. Vast sums of money are expended to procure +these strange evidences of the personal worth of candidates and the +political sanity of ideas. It is very much as if a man should paint +his nose pea-green and stand on his head to convince his neighbors +that his pigs are fed on acorns. Of course the money subscribed for +these various controversial devices is not all <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page126" name="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>wasted; +the greater part of it is pocketed by the ax-grinders by whom it is +solicited, and who have invented the system. That they have +invented it for their own benefit seems not to have occurred to the +dupes who pay for it. In the universal madness everybody believes +whatever monstrous and obvious falsehood is told by the leaders of +his own <em>ytrap</em>, and nobody listens for a moment to the +exposures of their rascality. Reason has flown shrieking from the +scene; Caution slumbers by the wayside with unbuttoned pocket. It +is the opportunity of thieves!</p> +<p>With a view to abating somewhat the horrors of this recurring +season of depravity, it has been proposed by several wise and +decent Tamtonians to extend the term of office of the +<em>Tnediserp</em> to six years instead of five, but the sharpeners +of axes are too powerful to be overthrown. They have made the +people believe that if the man whom the country chooses to rule it +because it thinks him wise and good were permitted to rule it too +long it would be impossible to displace him in punishment for his +folly and wickedness. It is, indeed, far more likely that the term +of office will be reduced to four years than extended to six. The +effect can be no less than hideous!</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a>[pg +127]</span>In Tamtonia there is a current popular saying dating +from many centuries back and running this way: “<em>Eht +eciffo dluohs kees eht nam, ton eht nam eht +eciffo</em>”—which may be translated thus: “No +citizen ought to try to secure power for himself, but should be +selected by others for his fitness to exercise it.” The +sentiment which this wise and decent phrase expresses has long +ceased to have a place in the hearts of those who are everlastingly +repeating it, but with regard to the office of <em>Tnediserp</em> +it has still a remnant of the vitality of habit. This, however, is +fast dying out, and a few years ago one of the congenital idiots +who was a candidate for the highest dignity boldly broke the +inhibition and made speeches to the people in advocacy of himself, +all over the country. Even more recently another has uttered his +preferences in much the same way, but with this difference: he did +his speechmaking at his own home, the ax-grinders in his interest +rounding up audiences for him and herding them before his door. One +of the two corpses, too, was galvanized into a kind of ghastly +activity and became a talking automaton; but the other had been too +long dead. In a few years more the decent tradition that a man +should not blow his own horn will be obsolete in its <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page128" name="page128"></a>[pg +128]</span>application to the high office, as it is to all the +others, but the popular saying will lose none of its currency for +that.</p> +<p>To the American mind nothing can be more shocking than the +Tamtonian practice of openly soliciting political preferment and +even paying money to assist in securing it. With us such immodesty +would be taken as proof of the offender’s unfitness to +exercise the power which he asks for, or bear the dignity which, in +soliciting it, he belittles. Yet no Tamtonian ever refused to take +the hand of a man guilty of such conduct, and there have been +instances of fathers giving these greedy vulgarians the hands of +their daughters in marriage and thereby assisting to perpetuate the +species. The kind of government given by men who go about begging +for the right to govern can be more easily imagined than endured. +In short, I cannot help thinking that when, unable longer to bear +with patience the evils entailed by the vices and follies of its +inhabitants, I sailed away from the accursed island of Tamtonia, I +left behind me the most pestilent race of rascals and ignoramuses +to be found anywhere in the universe; and I never can sufficiently +thank the divine Power who spared me the disadvantage <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span>and +shame of being one of them, and cast my lot in this favored land of +goodness and right reason, the blessed abode of public morality and +private worth—of liberty, conscience and common sense.</p> +<p>I was not, however, to reach it without further detention in +barbarous countries. After being at sea four days I was seized by +my mutinous crew, set ashore upon an island, and having been made +insensible by a blow upon the head was basely abandoned.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a>[pg +130]</span></p> +<h3><a id="ug" name="ug">Marooned On Ug</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>When I regained my senses I found myself lying on the strand a +short remove from the margin of the sea. It was high noon and an +insupportable itching pervaded my entire frame, that being the +effect of sunshine in that country, as heat is in ours. Having +observed that the discomfort was abated by the passing of a light +cloud between me and the sun, I dragged myself with some difficulty +to a clump of trees near by and found permanent relief in their +shade. As soon as I was comfortable enough to examine my +surroundings I saw that the trees were of metal, apparently copper, +with leaves of what resembled pure silver, but may have contained +alloy. Some of the trees bore burnished flowers shaped like bells, +and in a breeze the tinkling as they clashed together was +exceedingly sweet. The grass with which the open country was +covered as far as I could see amongst the patches of forest was of +a bright scarlet hue, excepting along the water-courses, where it +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a>[pg +131]</span>was white. Lazily cropping it at some little distance +away, or lying in it, indolently chewing the cud and attended by a +man half-clad in skins and bearing a crook, was a flock of tigers. +My travels in New Jersey having made me proof against surprise, I +contemplated these several visible phenomena without emotion, and +with a merely expectant interest in what might be revealed by +further observation.</p> +<p>The tigerherd having perceived me, now came striding forward, +brandishing his crook and shaking his fists with great vehemence, +gestures which I soon learned were, in that country, signs of amity +and good-will. But before knowing that fact I had risen to my feet +and thrown myself into a posture of defense, and as he approached I +led for his head with my left, following with a stiff right upon +his solar plexus, which sent him rolling on the grass in great +pain. After learning something of the social customs of the country +I felt extreme mortification in recollecting this breach of +etiquette, and even to this day I cannot think upon it without a +blush.</p> +<p>Such was my first meeting with Jogogle-Zadester, Pastor-King of +Ug, the wisest and best of men. Later in our acquaintance, when +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name="page132"></a>[pg +132]</span>I had for a long time been an honored guest at his +court, where a thousand fists were ceremoniously shaken under my +nose daily, he explained that my luke-warm reception of his +hospitable advances gave him, for the moment, an unfavorable +impression of my breeding and culture.</p> +<p>The island of Ug, upon which I had been marooned, lies in the +Southern Hemisphere, but has neither latitude nor longitude. It has +an area of nearly seven hundred square <em>samtains</em> and is +peculiar in shape, its width being considerably greater than its +length. Politically it is a limited monarchy, the right of +succession to the throne being vested in the sovereign’s +father, if he have one; if not in his grandfather, and so on upward +in the line of ascent. (As a matter of fact there has not within +historic times been a legitimate succession, even the great and +good Jogogle-Zadester being a usurper chosen by popular vote.) To +assist him in governing, the King is given a parliament, the Uggard +word for which is <em>gabagab</em>, but its usefulness is greatly +circumscribed by the <em>Blubosh</em>, or Constitution, which +requires that every measure, in order to become a law, shall have +an affirmative majority of the actual members, yet forbids +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page133" name="page133"></a>[pg +133]</span>any member to vote who has not a distinct pecuniary +interest in the result. I was once greatly amused by a spirited +contest over a matter of harbor improvement, each of two proposed +harbors having its advocates. One of these gentlemen, a most +eloquent patriot, held the floor for hours in advocacy of the port +where he had an interest in a projected mill for making dead +kittens into cauliflower pickles; while other members were being +vigorously persuaded by one who at the other place had a clam +ranch. In a debate in the Uggard <em>gabagab</em> no one can have a +“standing” except a party in interest; and as a +consequence of this enlightened policy every bill that is passed is +found to be most intelligently adapted to its purpose.</p> +<p>The original intent of this requirement was that members having +no pecuniary interest in a proposed law at the time of its +inception should not embarrass the proceedings and pervert the +result; but the inhibition is now thought to be sufficiently +observed by formal public acceptance of a nominal bribe to vote one +way or the other. It is of course understood that behind the +nominal bribe is commonly a more substantial one of which there is +no record. To an American accustomed to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page134" name="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span>the +incorrupt methods of legislation in his own country the spectacle +of every member of the Uggard <em>gabagab</em> qualifying himself +to vote by marching up, each in his turn as his name is called, to +the proponent of the bill, or to its leading antagonist, and +solemnly receiving a <em>tonusi</em> (the smallest coin of the +realm) is exceedingly novel. When I ventured to mention to the King +my lack of faith in the principle upon which this custom is +founded, he replied:</p> +<p>“Heart of my soul, if you and your compatriots distrust +the honesty and intelligence of an interested motive why is it that +in your own courts of law, as you describe them, no private citizen +can institute a civil action to right the wrongs of anybody but +himself?”</p> +<p>I had nothing to say and the King proceeded: “And why is +it that your judges will listen to no argument from any one who has +not acquired a selfish concern in the matter?”</p> +<p>“O, your Majesty,” I answered with animation, +“they listen to attorneys-general, district attorneys and +salaried officers of the law generally, whose prosperity depends in +no degree upon their success; who prosecute none but those whom +they believe to be guilty; who are careful to present no false nor +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page135" name="page135"></a>[pg +135]</span>misleading testimony and argument; who are solicitous +that even the humblest accused person shall be accorded every legal +right and every advantage to which he is entitled; who, in brief, +are animated by the most humane sentiments and actuated by the +purest and most unselfish motives.”</p> +<p>The King’s discomfiture was pitiful: he retired at once +from the capital and passed a whole year pasturing his flock of +tigers in the solitudes beyond the River of Wine. Seeing that I +would henceforth be <em>persona non grata</em> at the palace, I +sought obscurity in the writing and publication of books. In this +vocation I was greatly assisted by a few standard works that had +been put ashore with me in my sea-chest.</p> +<p>The literature of Ug is copious and of high merit, but consists +altogether of fiction—mainly history, biography, theology and +novels. Authors of exceptional excellence receive from the state +marks of signal esteem, being appointed to the positions of +laborers in the Department of Highways and Cemeteries. Having been +so fortunate as to win public favor and attract official attention +by my locally famous works, “The Decline and Fall of the +Roman Empire,” “David Copperfield,” <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page136" name="page136"></a>[pg +136]</span>“Pilgrim’s Progress,” and “Ben +Hur,” I was myself that way distinguished and my future +assured. Unhappily, through ignorance of the duties and dignities +of the position I had the mischance to accept a gratuity for +sweeping a street crossing and was compelled to flee for my +life.</p> +<p>Disguising myself as a sailor I took service on a ship that +sailed due south into the unknown Sea.</p> +<p>It is now many years since my marooning on Ug, but my +recollection of the country, its inhabitants and their wonderful +manners and customs is exceedingly vivid. Some small part of what +most interested me I shall here set down.</p> +<p>The Uggards are, or fancy themselves, a warlike race: nowhere in +those distant seas are there any islanders so vain of their +military power, the consciousness of which they acquired chiefly by +fighting one another. Many years ago, however, they had a war with +the people of another island kingdom, called Wug. The Wuggards held +dominion over a third island, Scamadumclitchclitch, whose people +had tried to throw off the yoke. In order to subdue them—at +least to tears—it was decided to deprive them of garlic, the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page137" name="page137"></a>[pg +137]</span>sole article of diet known to them and the Wuggards, and +in that country dug out of the ground like coal. So the Wuggards in +the rebellious island stopped up all the garlic mines, supplying +their own needs by purchase from foreign trading proas. Having few +cowrie shells, with which to purchase, the poor +Scamadumclitchclitchians suffered a great distress, which so +touched the hearts of the compassionate Uggards—a most humane +and conscientious people—that they declared war against the +Wuggards and sent a fleet of proas to the relief of the sufferers. +The fleet established a strict blockade of every port in +Scamadumclitchclitch, and not a clove of garlic could enter the +island. That compelled the Wuggard army of occupation to reopen the +mines for its own subsistence.</p> +<p>All this was told to me by the great and good and wise +Jogogle-Zadester, King of Ug.</p> +<p>“But, your Majesty,” I said, “what became of +the poor Scamadumclitchclitchians?”</p> +<p>“They all died,” he answered with royal +simplicity.</p> +<p>“Then your Majesty’s humane intervention,” +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page138" name="page138"></a>[pg +138]</span>I said, “was not entirely—well, +fattening?”</p> +<p>“The fortune of war,” said the King, gravely, +looking over my head to signify that the interview was at an end; +and I retired from the Presence on hands and feet, as is the +etiquette in that country.</p> +<p>As soon as I was out of hearing I threw a stone in the direction +of the palace and said: “I never in my life heard of such a +cold-blooded scoundrel!”</p> +<p>In conversation with the King’s Prime Minister, the famous +Grumsquutzy, I asked him how it was that Ug, being a great military +power, was apparently without soldiers.</p> +<p>“Sir,” he replied, courteously shaking his fist +under my nose in sign of amity, “know that when Ug needs +soldiers she enlists them. At the end of the war they are put to +death.”</p> +<p>“Visible embodiment of a great nation’s +wisdom,” I said, “far be it from me to doubt the +expediency of that military method; but merely as a matter of +economy would it not be better to keep an army in time of peace +than to be compelled to create one in time of war?”</p> +<p>“Ug is rich,” he replied; “we do not have to +consider matters of economy. There is <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page139" name="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>among our people a +strong and instinctive distrust of a standing army.”</p> +<p>“What are they afraid of,” I asked—what do +they fear that it will do?”</p> +<p>“It is not what the army may do,” answered the great +man, “but what it may prevent others from doing. You must +know that we have in this land a thing known as Industrial +Discontent.”</p> +<p>“Ah, I see,” I exclaimed, +interrupting—“the industrial classes fear that the army +may destroy, or at least subdue, their discontent.”</p> +<p>The Prime Minister reflected profoundly, standing the while, in +order that he might assist his faculties by scratching himself, +even as we, when thinking, scratch our heads.</p> +<p>“No,” he said presently; “I don’t think +that is quite what they apprehend—they and the writers and +statesmen who speak for them. As I said before, what is feared in a +case of industrial discontent is the army’s preventive power. +But I am myself uncertain what it is that these good souls dislike +to have the army prevent. I shall take the customary means to +learn.”</p> +<p>Having occasion on the next day to enter the great audience hall +of the palace I observed in gigantic letters running across the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page140" name="page140"></a>[pg +140]</span>entire side opposite the entrance this surprising +inscription:</p> +<p>“In a strike, what do you fear that the army will prevent +which ought to be done?”</p> +<p>Facing the entrance sat Grumsquutzy, in his robes of office and +surrounded by an armed guard. At a little distance stood two great +black slaves, each bearing a scourge of thongs. All about them the +floor was slippery with blood. While I wondered at all this two +policemen entered, having between them one whom I recognized as a +professional Friend of the People, a great orator, keenly concerned +for the interests of Labor. Shown the inscription and unable or +unwilling to answer, he was given over to the two blacks and, being +stripped to the skin, was beaten with the whips until he bled +copiously and his cries resounded through the palace. His ears were +then shorn away and he was thrown into the street. Another Friend +of the People was brought in, and treated in the same way; and the +inquiry was continued, day after day, until all had been +interrogated. But Grumsquutzy got no answer.</p> +<p>A most extraordinary and interesting custom of the Uggards is +called the <em>Naganag</em> and has existed, I was told, for +centuries. Immediately <span class="pagenum"><a id="page141" name= +"page141"></a>[pg 141]</span>after every war, and before the +returned army is put to death, the chieftains who have held high +command and their official head, the Minister of National +Displeasure, are conducted with much pomp to the public square of +Nabootka, the capital. Here all are stripped naked, deprived of +their sight with a hot iron and armed with a club each. They are +then locked in the square, which has an inclosing wall thirty +<em>clowgebs</em> high. A signal is given and they begin to fight. +At the end of three days the place is entered and searched. If any +of the dead bodies has an unbroken bone in it the survivors are +boiled in wine; if not they are smothered in butter.</p> +<p>Upon the advantages of this custom—which surely has not +its like in the whole world—I could get little light. One +public official told me its purpose was “peace among the +victorious”; another said it was “for gratification of +the military instinct in high places,” though if that is so +one is disposed to ask “What was the war for?” The +Prime Minister, profoundly learned in all things else, could not +enlighten me, and the commander-in-chief in the Wuggard war could +only tell me, while on his way to the public <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page142" name="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span>square, +that it was “to vindicate the truth of history.”</p> +<p>In all the wars in which Ug has engaged in historic times that +with Wug was the most destructive of life. Excepting among the +comparatively few troops that had the hygienic and preservative +advantage of personal collision with the enemy, the mortality was +appalling. Regiments exposed to the fatal conditions of camp life +in their own country died like flies in a frost. So pathetic were +the pleas of the sufferers to be led against the enemy and have a +chance to live that none hearing them could forbear to weep. +Finally a considerable number of them went to the seat of war, +where they began an immediate attack upon a fortified city, for +their health; but the enemy’s resistance was too brief +materially to reduce the death rate and the men were again in the +hands of their officers. On their return to Ug they were so few +that the public executioners charged with the duty of reducing the +army to a peace footing were themselves made ill by inactivity.</p> +<p>As to the navy, the war with Wug having shown the Uggard sailors +to be immortal, their government knows not how to get rid of them, +and remains a great sea power in <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page143" name="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span>spite of itself. I +ventured to suggest mustering out, but neither the King nor any +Minister of State was able to form a conception of any method of +reduction and retrenchment but that of the public headsman.</p> +<p>It is said—I do not know with how much truth—that +the defeat of Wug was made easy by a certain malicious prevision of +the Wuggards themselves: something of the nature of heroic +self-sacrifice, the surrender of a present advantage for a terrible +revenge in the future. As an instance, the commander of the +fortified city already mentioned is reported to have ordered his +garrison to kill as few of their assailants as possible.</p> +<p>“It is true,” he explained to his subordinates, who +favored a defense to the death—“it is true this will +lose us the place, but there are other places; you have not thought +of that.”</p> +<p>They had not thought of that.</p> +<p>“It is true, too, that we shall be taken prisoners, +but”—and he smiled grimly—“we have fairly +good appetites, and we must be fed. That will cost something, I +take it. But that is not the best of it. Look at that vast host of +our enemies—each one of them a future pensioner on a fool +people. If there is <span class="pagenum"><a id="page144" name= +"page144"></a>[pg 144]</span>among us one man who would willingly +deprive the Uggard treasury of a single dependent—who would +spare the Uggard pigs one <em>gukwam</em> of expense, let the +traitor stand forth.”</p> +<p>No traitor stood forth, and in the ensuing battles the garrison, +it is said, fired only blank cartridges, and such of the assailants +as were killed incurred that mischance by falling over their own +feet.</p> +<p>It is estimated by Wuggard statisticians that in twenty years +from the close of the war the annual appropriation for pensions in +Ug will amount to no less than one hundred and sixty +<em>gumdums</em> to every enlisted man in the kingdom. But they +know not the Uggard customs of exterminating the army.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page145" name="page145"></a>[pg +145]</span></p> +<h3><a id="dog" name="dog">The Dog in Ganegwag</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A about the end of the thirty-seventh month of our voyage due +south from Ug we sighted land, and although the coast appeared wild +and inhospitable, the captain decided to send a boat ashore in +search of fresh water and provisions, of which we were in sore +need. I was of the boat’s crew and thought myself fortunate +in being able to set foot again upon the earth. There were seven +others in the landing party, including the mate, who commanded.</p> +<p>Selecting a sheltered cove, which appeared to be at the mouth of +a small creek, we beached the boat, and leaving two men to guard it +started inland toward a grove of trees. Before we reached it an +animal came out of it and advanced confidently toward us, showing +no signs of either fear or hostility. It was a hideous creature, +not altogether like anything that we had ever seen, but on its +close approach we recognized it as a dog, of an unimaginably +loathsome breed. As we were <span class="pagenum"><a id="page146" +name="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span>nearly famished one of the +sailors shot it for food. Instantly a great crowd of persons, who +had doubtless been watching us from among the trees, rushed upon us +with fierce exclamations and surrounded us, making the most +threatening gestures and brandishing unfamiliar weapons. Unable to +resist such odds we were seized, bound with cords and dragged into +the forest almost before we knew what had happened to us. Observing +the nature of our reception the ship’s crew hastily weighed +anchor and sailed away. We never again saw them.</p> +<p>Beyond the trees concealing it from the sea was a great city, +and thither we were taken. It was Gumammam, the capital of +Ganegwag, whose people are dog-worshipers. The fate of my +companions I never learned, for although I remained in the country +for seven years, much of the time as a prisoner, and learned to +speak its language, no answer was ever given to my many inquiries +about my unfortunate friends.</p> +<p>The Ganegwagians are an ancient race with a history covering a +period of ten thousand <em>supintroes</em>. In stature they are +large, in color blue, with crimson hair and yellow eyes. They live +to a great age, sometimes as <span class="pagenum"><a id="page147" +name="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>much as twenty +<em>supintroes</em>, their climate being so wholesome that even the +aged have to sail to a distant island in order to die. Whenever a +sufficient number of them reach what they call “the age of +going away” they embark on a government ship and in the midst +of impressive public rites and ceremonies set sail for “the +Isle of the Happy Change.” Of their strange civilization, +their laws, manners and customs, their copper clothing and liquid +houses I have written—at perhaps too great length—in my +famous book, “Ganegwag the Incredible.” Here I shall +confine myself to their religion, certainly the most amazing form +of superstition in the world.</p> +<p>Nowhere, it is believed, but in Ganegwag has so vile a creature +as the dog obtained general recognition as a deity. There this +filthy beast is considered so divine that it is freely admitted to +the domestic circle and cherished as an honored guest. Scarcely a +family that is able to support a dog is without one, and some have +as many as a half-dozen. Indeed, the dog is the special deity of +the poor, those families having most that are least able to +maintain them. In some sections of the country, particularly the +southern and southwestern provinces, the number of <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page148" name="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>dogs is +estimated to be greater than that of the children, as is the cost +of their maintenance. In families of the rich they are fewer in +number, but more sacredly cherished, especially by the female +members, who lavish upon them a wealth of affection not always +granted to the husband and children, and distinguish them with +indescribable attentions and endearments.</p> +<p>Nowhere is the dog compelled to make any other return for all +this honor and benefaction than a fawning and sycophantic demeanor +toward those who bestow them and an insulting and injurious +attitude toward strangers who have dogs of their own, and toward +other dogs. In any considerable town of the realm not a day passes +but the public newsman relates in the most matter-of-fact and +unsympathetic way to his circle of listless auditors painful +instances of human beings, mostly women and children, bitten and +mangled by these ferocious animals without provocation.</p> +<p>In addition to these ravages of the dog in his normal state are +a vastly greater number of outrages committed by the sacred animal +in the fury of insanity, for he has an hereditary tendency to +madness, and in that state his bite <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page149" name="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span>is incurable, the +victim awaiting in the most horrible agony the sailing of the next +ship to the Isle of the Happy Change, his suffering imperfectly +medicined by expressions of public sympathy for the dog.</p> +<p>A cynical citizen of Gumammam said to the writer of this +narrative: “My countrymen have three hundred kinds of dogs, +and only one way to hang a thief.” Yet all the dogs are alike +in this, that none is respectable.</p> +<p>Withal, it must be said of this extraordinary people that their +horrible religion is free from the hollow forms and meaningless +ceremonies in which so many superstitions of the lower races find +expression. It is a religion of love, practical, undemonstrative, +knowing nothing of pageantry and spectacle. It is hidden in the +lives and hearts of the people; a stranger would hardly know of its +existence as a distinct faith. Indeed, other faiths and better ones +(one of them having some resemblance to a debased form of +Christianity) co-exist with it, sometimes in the same mind. +Cynolatry is tolerant so long as the dog is not denied an equal +divinity with the deities of other faiths. Nevertheless, I could +not think of the people of Ganegwag without <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page150" name="page150"></a>[pg +150]</span>contempt and loathing; so it was with no small joy that +I sailed for the contiguous island of Ghargaroo to consult, +according to my custom, the renowned statesman and philosopher, +Juptka-Getch, who was accounted the wisest man in all the world, +and held in so high esteem that no one dared speak to him without +the sovereign’s permission, countersigned by the Minister of +Morals and Manners.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page151" name="page151"></a>[pg +151]</span></p> +<h3><a id="ghargaroo" name="ghargaroo">A Conflagration in +Ghargaroo</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Through the happy accident of having a mole on the left side of +my nose, as had also a cousin of the Prime Minister, I obtained a +royal rescript permitting me to speak to the great Juptka-Getch, +and went humbly to his dwelling, which, to my astonishment, I found +to be an unfurnished cave in the side of a mountain. Inexpressibly +surprised to observe that a favorite of the sovereign and the +people was so meanly housed, I ventured, after my salutation, to +ask how this could be so. Regarding me with an indulgent smile, the +venerable man, who was about two hundred and fifty years old and +entirely bald, explained.</p> +<p>“In one of our Sacred Books, of which we have three +thousand,” said he, “it is written, ‘<em>Golooloo +ek wakwah betenka</em>,’ and in another, ‘<em>Jebeb uq +seedroy im aboltraqu ocrux ti smelkit</em>.’”</p> +<p>Translated, these mean, respectively, “The poor are +blessed,” and, “Heaven is not easily entered by those +who are rich.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page152" name="page152"></a>[pg +152]</span>I asked Juptka-Getch if his countrymen really gave to +these texts a practical application in the affairs of life.</p> +<p>“Why, surely,” he replied, “you cannot think +us such fools as to disregard the teachings of our gods! That would +be madness. I cannot imagine a people so mentally and morally +depraved as that! Can you?”</p> +<p>Observing me blushing and stammering, he inquired the cause of +my embarrassment. “The thought of so incredible a thing +confuses me,” I managed to reply. “But tell me if in +your piety and wisdom you really stripped yourself of all your +property in order to obey the gods and get the benefit of +indigence.”</p> +<p>“I did not have to do so,” he replied with a smile; +“my King attended to that. When he wishes to distinguish one +of his subjects by a mark of his favor, he impoverishes him to such +a degree as will attest the exact measure of the royal approbation. +I am proud to say that he took from me all that I had.”</p> +<p>“But, pardon me,” I said; “how does it occur +that among a people which regards poverty as the greatest earthly +good all are not poor? I observe here as much wealth and +‘prosperity’ as in my own country.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page153" name="page153"></a>[pg +153]</span>Juptka-Getch smiled and after a few moments answered: +“The only person in this country that owns anything is the +King; in the service of his people he afflicts himself with that +burden. All property, of whatsoever kind, is his, to do with as he +will. He divides it among his subjects in the ratio of their +demerit, as determined by the <em>waguks</em>—local +officers—whose duty it is to know personally every one in +their jurisdiction. To the most desperate and irreclaimable +criminals is allotted the greatest wealth, which is taken from +them, little by little, as they show signs of +reformation.”</p> +<p>“But what,” said I, “is to prevent the wicked +from becoming poor at any time? How can the King and his officers +keep the unworthy, suffering the punishment and peril of wealth, +from giving it away?”</p> +<p>“To whom, for example?” replied the illustrious man, +taking the forefinger of his right hand into his mouth, as is the +fashion in Ghargaroo when awaiting an important communication. The +respectful formality of the posture imperfectly concealed the irony +of the question, but I was not of the kind to be easily +silenced.</p> +<p>“One might convert one’s property into <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page154" name="page154"></a>[pg +154]</span>money,” I persisted, “and throw the money +into the sea.”</p> +<p>Juptka-Getch released the finger and gravely answered: +“Every person in Ghargaroo is compelled by law to keep minute +accounts of his income and expenditures, and must swear to them. +There is an annual appraisement by the <em>waguk</em>, and any +needless decrease in the value of an estate is punished by breaking +the offender’s legs. Expenditures for luxuries and high +living are, of course, approved, for it is universally known among +us, and attested by many popular proverbs, that the pleasures of +the rich are vain and disappointing. So they are considered a part +of the punishment, and not only allowed but required. A man +sentenced to wealth who lives frugally, indulging in only rational +and inexpensive delights, has his ears cut off for the first +offense, and for the second is compelled to pass six months at +court, participating in all the gaieties, extravagances and +pleasures of the capital, and——”</p> +<p>“Most illustrious of mortals,” I said, turning a +somersault—the Ghargarese manner of interrupting a discourse +without offense—“I am as the dust upon your beard, but +in my own country I am esteemed no fool, and right <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page155" name="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span>humbly +do I perceive that you are <em>ecxroptug nemk puttog +peleemy</em>.”</p> +<p>This expression translates, literally, “giving me a +fill,” a phrase without meaning in our tongue, but in +Ghargarese it appears to imply incredulity.</p> +<p>“The gaieties of the King’s court,” I +continued, “must be expensive. The courtiers of the +sovereign’s entourage, the great officers of the +realm—surely they are not condemned to wealth, like common +criminals!”</p> +<p>“My son,” said Juptka-Getch, tearing out a handful +of his beard to signify his tranquillity under accusation, +“your doubt of my veracity is noted with satisfaction, but it +is not permitted to you to impeach my sovereign’s infallible +knowledge of character. His courtiers, the great officers of the +realm, as you truly name them, are the richest men in the country +because he knows them to be the greatest rascals. After each annual +reapportionment of the national wealth he settles upon them the +unallotted surplus.”</p> +<p>Prostrating myself before the eminent philosopher, I craved his +pardon for my doubt of his sovereign’s wisdom and +consistency, and begged him to cut off my head.</p> +<p>“Nay,” he said, “you have committed the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page156" name="page156"></a>[pg +156]</span>unpardonable sin and I cannot consent to bestow upon you +the advantages of death. You shall continue to live the thing that +you are.”</p> +<p>“What!” I cried, remembering the Lalugwumps and +Gnarmag-Zote, “is it thought in Ghargaroo that death is an +advantage, a blessing?”</p> +<p>“Our Sacred Books,” he said, “are full of +texts affirming the vanity of life.”</p> +<p>“Then,” I said, “I infer that the death +penalty is unknown to your laws!”</p> +<p>“We have the life penalty instead. Convicted criminals are +not only enriched, as already explained, but by medical attendance +kept alive as long as possible. On the contrary, the very +righteous, who have been rewarded with poverty, are permitted to +die whenever it pleases them.</p> +<p>“Do not the Sacred Books of your country teach the vanity +of life, the blessedness of poverty and the wickedness of +wealth?”</p> +<p>“They do, O Most Illustrious, they do.”</p> +<p>“And your countrymen believe?”</p> +<p>“Surely—none but the foolish and depraved entertain +a doubt.”</p> +<p>“Then I waste my breath in expounding laws and customs +already known to you. You have, of course, the same.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page157" name="page157"></a>[pg +157]</span>At this I averted my face and blushed so furiously that +the walls of the cave were illuminated with a wavering crimson like +the light of a great conflagration! Thinking that the capital city +was ablaze, Juptka-Getch ran from the cave’s mouth, crying, +“Fire, fire!” and I saw him no more.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page158" name="page158"></a>[pg +158]</span></p> +<h3><a id="batrugia" name="batrugia">An Execution In +Batrugia</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>My next voyage was not so prosperous. By violent storms lasting +seven weeks, during which we saw neither the sun nor the stars, our +ship was driven so far out of its course that the captain had no +knowledge of where we were. At the end of that period we were blown +ashore and wrecked on a coast so wild and desolate that I had never +seen anything so terrifying. Through a manifest interposition of +Divine Providence I was spared, though all my companions perished +miserably in the waves that had crushed the ship among the +rocks.</p> +<p>As soon as I was sufficiently recovered from my fatigue and +bruises, and had rendered thanks to merciful Heaven for my +deliverance, I set out for the interior of the country, taking with +me a cutlas for protection against wild beasts and a bag of +sea-biscuit for sustenance. I walked vigorously, for the weather +was then cool and pleasant, and after I had gone a few miles from +the inhospitable coast <span class="pagenum"><a id="page159" name= +"page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>I found the country open and level. +The earth was covered with a thick growth of crimson grass, and at +wide intervals were groups of trees. These were very tall, their +tops in many instances invisible in a kind of golden mist, or haze, +which proved to be, not a transient phenomenon, but a permanent +one, for never in that country has the sun been seen, nor is there +any night. The haze seems to be self-luminous, giving a soft, +yellow light, so diffused that shadows are unknown. The land is +abundantly supplied with pools and rivulets, whose water is of a +beautiful orange color and has a pleasing perfume somewhat like +attar of rose. I observed all this without surprise and with little +apprehension, and went forward, feeling that anything, however +novel and mysterious, was better than the familiar terrors of the +sea and the coast.</p> +<p>After traveling a long time, though how long I had not the means +to determine, I arrived at the city of Momgamwo, the capital of the +kingdom of Batrugia, on the mainland of the Hidden Continent, where +it is always twelve o’clock.</p> +<p>The Batrugians are of gigantic stature, but mild and friendly +disposition. They offered me no violence, seeming rather amused by +my <span class="pagenum"><a id="page160" name="page160"></a>[pg +160]</span>small stature. One of them, who appeared to be a person +of note and consequence, took me to his house (their houses are but +a single story in height and built of brass blocks), set food +before me, and by signs manifested the utmost good will. A long +time afterward, when I had learned the language of the country, he +explained that he had recognized me as an American pigmy, a race of +which he had some little knowledge through a letter from a brother, +who had been in my country. He showed me the letter, of which the +chief part is here presented in translation:</p> +<p>“You ask me, my dear Tgnagogu, to relate my adventures +among the Americans, as they call themselves. My adventures were +very brief, lasting altogether not more than three <em>gumkas</em>, +and most of the time was passed in taking measures for my own +safety.</p> +<p>“My skyship, which had been driven for six moons before an +irresistible gale, passed over a great city just at daylight one +morning, and rather than continue the voyage with a lost reckoning +I demanded that I be permitted to disembark. My wish was respected, +and my companions soared away without me. Before night I had +escaped from the city, by <span class="pagenum"><a id="page161" +name="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span>what means you know, and with my +remarkable experiences in returning to civilization all Batrugia is +familiar. The description of the strange city I have reserved for +you, by whom only could I hope to be believed. Nyork, as its +inhabitants call it, is a city of inconceivable extent—not +less, I should judge, than seven square <em>glepkeps</em>! Of the +number of its inhabitants I can only say that they are as the sands +of the desert. They wear clothing—of a hideous kind, +’tis true—speak an apparently copious though harsh +language, and seem to have a certain limited intelligence. They are +puny in stature, the tallest of them being hardly higher than my +breast.</p> +<p>“Nevertheless, Nyork is a city of giants. The magnitude of +all things artificial there is astounding! My dear Tgnagogu, words +can give you no conception of it. Many of the buildings, I assure +you, are as many as fifty <em>sprugas</em> in height, and shelter +five thousand persons each. And these stupendous structures are so +crowded together that to the spectator in the narrow streets below +they seem utterly devoid of design and symmetry—mere +monstrous aggregations of brick, stone and metal—mountains of +masonry, cliffs and crags of architecture hanging in the sky!</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page162" name="page162"></a>[pg +162]</span>“A city of giants inhabited by pigmies! For you +must know, oh friend of my liver, that the rearing of these mighty +structures could not be the work of the puny folk that swarm in +ceaseless activity about their bases. These fierce little savages +invaded the island in numbers so overwhelming that the giant +builders had to flee before them. Some escaped across great bridges +which, with the help of their gods, they had suspended in the air +from bank to bank of a wide river parting the island from the +mainland, but many could do no better than mount some of the +buildings that they had reared, and there, in these inaccessible +altitudes, they dwell to-day, still piling stone upon stone. +Whether they do this in obedience to their instinct as builders, or +in hope to escape by way of the heavens, I had not the means to +learn, being ignorant of the pigmy tongue and in continual fear of +the crowds that followed me.</p> +<p>“You can see the giants toiling away up there in the sky, +laying in place the enormous beams and stones which none but they +could handle. They look no bigger than beetles, but you know that +they are many <em>sprugas</em> in stature, and you shudder to think +what would ensue if one should lose his footing. Fancy <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page163" name="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>that +great bulk whirling down to earth from so dizzy an +altitude!…</p> +<p style="text-align:center;margin-bottom:0em;">“May birds +ever sing above your grave.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:0em;">“JOQUOLK WAK +MGAPY.”</p> +<p>By my new friend, Tgnagogu, I was presented to the King, a most +enlightened monarch, who not only reigned over, but ruled +absolutely, the most highly civilized people in the world. He +received me with gracious hospitality, quartered me in the palace +of his Prime Minister, gave me for wives the three daughters of his +Lord Chamberlain, and provided me with an ample income from the +public revenues. Within a year I had made a fair acquaintance with +the Batrugian language, and was appointed royal interpreter, with a +princely salary, although no one speaking any other tongue, myself +and two native professors of rhetoric excepted, had ever been seen +in the kingdom.</p> +<p>One day I heard a great tumult in the street, and going to a +window saw, in a public square opposite, a crowd of persons +surrounding some high officials who were engaged in cutting off a +man’s head. Just before the executioner delivered the fatal +stroke, the victim was asked if he had anything to say. He +explained <span class="pagenum"><a id="page164" name= +"page164"></a>[pg 164]</span>with earnestness that the deed for +which he was about to suffer had been inspired and commanded by a +brass-headed cow and four bushels of nightingales’ eggs!</p> +<p>“Hold! hold!” I shouted in Batrugian, leaping from +the window and forcing a way through the throng; “the man is +obviously insane!”</p> +<p>“Friend,” said a man in a long blue robe, gently +restraining me, “it is not proper for you to interrupt these +high proceedings with irrelevant remarks. The luckless gentleman +who, in accordance with my will as Lord Chief Justice, has just had +the happiness to part with his head was so inconsiderate as to take +the life of a fellow-subject.”</p> +<p>“But he was insane,” I persisted, “clearly and +indisputably <em>ptig nupy uggydug</em>!”—a phrase +imperfectly translatable, meaning, as near as may be, having +flitter-mice in his campanile.</p> +<p>“Am I to infer,” said the Lord Chief Justice, +“that in your own honorable country a person accused of +murder is permitted to plead insanity as a reason why he should not +be put to death?”</p> +<p>“Yes, illustrious one,” I replied, respectfully, +“we regard that as a good defense.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page165" name="page165"></a>[pg +165]</span>“Well,” said he slowly, but with extreme +emphasis, “I’ll be <em>Gook swottled</em>!”</p> +<p>(“<em>Gook</em>,” I may explain, is the name of the +Batrugian chief deity; but for the verb “to swottle” +the English tongue has no equivalent. It seems to signify the +deepest disapproval, and by a promise to be +“<em>swottled</em>” a Batrugian denotes acute +astonishment.)</p> +<p>“Surely,” I said, “so wise and learned a +person as you cannot think it just to punish with death one who +does not know right from wrong. The gentleman who has just now +renounced his future believed himself to have been commanded to do +what he did by a brass-headed cow and four bushels of +nightingales’ eggs—powers to which he acknowledged a +spiritual allegiance. To have disobeyed would have been, from his +point of view, an infraction of a law higher than that of +man.”</p> +<p>“Honorable but erring stranger,” replied the famous +jurist, “if we permitted the prisoner in a murder trial to +urge such a consideration as that—if our laws recognized any +other justification than that he believed himself in peril of +immediate death or great bodily injury—nearly all assassins +would make some such defense. They would plead insanity of some +kind and degree, and it <span class="pagenum"><a id="page166" name= +"page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>would be almost impossible to +establish their guilt. Murder trials would be expensive and almost +interminable, defiled with perjury and sentiment. Juries would be +deluded and confused, justice baffled, and red-handed man-killers +turned loose to repeat their crimes and laugh at the law. Even as +the law is, in a population of only one hundred million we have had +no fewer than three homicides in less than twenty years! With such +statutes and customs as yours we should have had at least twice as +many. Believe me, I know my people; they have not the American +respect for human life.”</p> +<p>As blushing is deemed in Batrugia a sign of pride, I turned my +back upon the speaker—an act which, fortunately, signifies a +desire to hear more.</p> +<p>“Law,” he continued, “is for the good of the +greatest number. Execution of an actual lunatic now and then is not +an evil to the community, nor, when rightly considered, to the +lunatic himself. He is better off when dead, and society is +profited by his removal. We are spared the cost of exposing +imposture, the humiliation of acquitting the guilty, the peril of +their freedom, the contagion of their evil example.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page167" name="page167"></a>[pg +167]</span>“In my country,” I said, “we have a +saying to the effect that it is better that ninety-nine guilty +escape than that one innocent be punished.”</p> +<p>“It is better,” said he, “for the ninety-nine +guilty, but distinctly worse for everybody else. Sir,” he +concluded with chilling austerity, “I infer from their +proverb that your countrymen are the most offensive blockheads in +existence.”</p> +<p>By way of refutation I mentioned the English, indignantly +withdrew from the country and set sail for Gokeetle-guk, or, as we +should translate the name, Trustland.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page168" name="page168"></a>[pg +168]</span></p> +<h3><a id="gokeetle" name="gokeetle">The Jumjum Of +Gokeetle-Guk</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Arriving at the capital of the country after many incredible +adventures, I was promptly arrested by the police and taken before +the Jumjum. He was an exceedingly affable person, and held office +by appointment, “for life or fitness,” as their laws +express it. With one necessary exception all offices are appointive +and the tenure of all except that is the same. The Panjandrum, or, +as we should call him, King, is elected for a term of ten years, at +the expiration of which he is shot. It is held that any man who has +been so long in high authority will have committed enough sins and +blunders to deserve death, even if none can be specifically +proved.</p> +<p>Brought into the presence of the Jumjum, who graciously saluted +me, I was seated on a beautiful rug and told in broken English by +an interpreter who had escaped from Kansas that I was at liberty to +ask any questions that I chose.</p> +<p>“Your Highness,” I said, addressing the Jumjum +through the interpreting Populist, <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page169" name="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span>“I fear that I do +not understand; I expected, not to ask questions, but to have to +answer them. I am ready to give such an account of myself as will +satisfy you that I am an honest man—neither a criminal nor a +spy.”</p> +<p>“The gentleman seems to regard himself with a considerable +interest,” said the Jumjum, aside to an officer of his +suite—a remark which the interpreter, with characteristic +intelligence, duly repeated to me. Then addressing me the Jumjum +said:</p> +<p>“Doubtless your personal character is an alluring topic, +but it is relevant to nothing in any proceedings that can be taken +here. When a foreigner arrives in our capital he is brought before +me to be instructed in whatever he may think it expedient for him +to know of the manners, customs, laws, and so forth, of the country +that he honors with his presence. It matters nothing to us what he +is, but much to him what we are. You are at liberty to +inquire.”</p> +<p>I was for a moment overcome with emotion by so noble an example +of official civility and thoughtfulness, then, after a little +reflection, I said: “May it please your Highness, I should +greatly like to be informed of the origin of the name of your +esteemed country.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page170" name="page170"></a>[pg +170]</span>“Our country,” said the Jumjum, +acknowledging the compliment by a movement of his ears, “is +called Trustland because all its industries, trades and professions +are conducted by great aggregations of capital known as +‘trusts.’ They do the entire business of the +country.”</p> +<p>“Good God!” I exclaimed; “what a terrible +state of affairs that is! I know about trusts. Why do your people +not rise and throw off the yoke?”</p> +<p>“You are pleased to be unintelligible,” said the +great man, with a smile. “Would you mind explaining what you +mean by ‘the yoke’?”</p> +<p>“I mean,” said I, surprised by his ignorance of +metaphor, but reflecting that possibly the figures of rhetoric were +not used in that country—“I mean the oppression, the +slavery under which your people groan, their bond-age to the +tyrannical trusts, entailing poverty, unrequited toil and loss of +self-respect.”</p> +<p>“Why, as to that,” he replied, “our people are +prosperous and happy. There is very little poverty and what there +is is obviously the result of vice or improvidence. Our labor is +light and all the necessaries of life, many of the comforts and +some of the luxuries are <span class="pagenum"><a id="page171" +name="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span>abundant and cheap. I hardly know +what you mean by the tyranny of the trusts; they do not seem to +care to be tyrannous, for each having the entire market for what it +produces, its prosperity is assured and there is none of the strife +and competition which, as I can imagine, might breed hardness and +cruelty. Moreover, we should not let them be tyrannous. Why should +we?”</p> +<p>“But, your Highness, suppose, for example, the trust that +manufactures safety pins should decide to double the price of its +product. What is to prevent great injury to the +consumer?”</p> +<p>“The courts. Having but one man—the responsible +manager—to deal with, protective legislation and its +enforcement would be a very simple matter. If there were a thousand +manufacturers of safety pins, scattered all over the country in as +many jurisdictions, there would be no controlling them at all. They +would cheat, not only one another but the consumers, with virtual +immunity. But there is no disposition among our trusts to do any +such thing. Each has the whole market, as I said, and each has +learned by experience what the manager of a large business soon +must learn, and what the manager of a small one probably would +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page172" name="page172"></a>[pg +172]</span>not learn and could not afford to apply if he knew +it—namely, that low prices bring disproportionately large +sales and therefore profits. Prices in this country are never put +up except when some kind of scarcity increases the cost of +production. Besides, nearly all the consumers are a part of the +trusts, the stock of which is about the best kind of property for +investment.”</p> +<p>“What!” I cried,—“do not the managers so +manipulate the stock by ‘watering’ it and otherwise as +to fool and cheat the small investors?”</p> +<p>“We should not permit them. That would be +dishonest.”</p> +<p>“So it is in my country,” I replied, rather tartly, +for I believed his apparent <em>naïveté</em> assumed +for my confusion, “but we are unable to prevent +it.”</p> +<p>He looked at me somewhat compassionately, I thought. +“Perhaps,” he said, “not enough of you really +wish to prevent it. Perhaps your people are—well, different +from mine—not worse, you understand—just +different.”</p> +<p>I felt the blood go into my cheeks and hot words were upon my +tongue’s end, but I restrained them; the conditions for a +quarrel <span class="pagenum"><a id="page173" name= +"page173"></a>[pg 173]</span>were not favorable to my side of it. +When I had mastered my chagrin and resentment I said:</p> +<p>“In my country when trusts are formed a great number of +persons suffer, whether the general consumer does or not—many +small dealers, middle men, drummers and general employees. The +small dealer is driven out of the business by underselling. The +middle man is frequently ignored, the trust dealing directly, or +nearly so, with the consumer. The drummer is discharged because, +competition having disappeared, custom must come without +solicitation. Consolidation lets out swarms of employees of the +individual concerns consolidated, for it is nearly as easy to +conduct one large concern as a dozen smaller ones. These people get +great sympathy from the public and the newspapers and their case is +obviously pitiable. Was it not so in this country during the +transition stage, and did not these poor gentlemen have +to”—the right words would not come; I hardly knew how +to finish. “Were they not compelled to go to work?” I +finally asked, rather humbly.</p> +<p>The great official was silent for several minutes. Then he +spoke.</p> +<p>“I am not sure that I understand you about <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page174" name="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span>our +transition state. So far as our history goes matters with us have +always been as they are to-day. To suppose them to have been +otherwise would be to impugn the common sense of our ancestors. Nor +do I quite know what you mean by ‘small dealers,’ +‘middle men,’ ‘drummers,’ and so +forth.”</p> +<p>He paused and fell into meditation, when suddenly his face was +suffused with the light of a happy thought. It so elated him that +he sprang to his feet and with his staff of office broke the heads +of his Chief Admonisher of the Inimical and his Second Assistant +Audible Sycophant. Then he said:</p> +<p>“I think I comprehend. Some eighty-five years ago, soon +after my induction into office, there came to the court of the +Panjandrum a man of this city who had been cast upon the island of +Chicago (which I believe belongs to the American archipelago) and +had passed many years there in business with the natives. Having +learned all their customs and business methods he returned to his +own country and laid before the Panjandrum a comprehensive scheme +of commercial reform. He and his scheme were referred to me, the +Panjandrum being graciously pleased to be unable to make head or +tail of it. I may best <span class="pagenum"><a id="page175" name= +"page175"></a>[pg 175]</span>explain it in its application to a +single industry—the manufacture and sale of +gootles.”</p> +<p>“What is a gootle?” I asked.</p> +<p>“A metal weight for attachment to the tail of a donkey to +keep him from braying,” was the answer. “It is known in +this country that a donkey cannot utter a note unless he can lift +his tail. Then, as now, gootles were made by a single concern +having a great capital invested and an immense plant, and employing +an army of workmen. It dealt, as it does to-day, directly with +consumers. Afflicted with a sonant donkey a man would write to the +trust and receive his gootle by return mail, or go personally to +the factory and carry his purchase home on his +shoulder—according to where he lived. The reformer said this +was primitive, crude and injurious to the interests of the public +and especially the poor. He proposed that the members of the gootle +trust divide their capital and each member go into the business of +making gootles for himself—I do not mean for his personal +use—in different parts of the country. But none of them was +to sell to consumers, but to other men, who would sell in quantity +to still other men, who would sell single gootles for domestic use. +Each manufacturer would of course require <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page176" name="page176"></a>[pg 176]</span>a full +complement of officers, clerks and so forth, as would the other +men—everybody but the consumer—and each would have to +support them and make a profit himself. Competition would be so +sharp that solicitors would have to be employed to make sales; and +they too must have a living out of the business. Honored stranger, +am I right in my inference that the proposed system has something +in common with the one which obtains in your own happy, enlightened +and prosperous country, and which you would approve?”</p> +<p>I did not care to reply.</p> +<p>“Of course,” the Jumjum continued, “all this +would greatly have enhanced the cost of gootles, thereby lessening +the sales, thereby reducing the output, thereby throwing a number +of workmen out of employment. You see this, do you not, O guest of +my country?”</p> +<p>“Pray tell me,” I said, “what became of the +reformer who proposed all this change?”</p> +<p>“All this change? Why, sir, the one-thousandth part is not +told: he proposed that his system should be general: not only in +the gootle trust, but every trust in the country was to be broken +up in the same way! When I had him before me, and had stated my +objections <span class="pagenum"><a id="page177" name= +"page177"></a>[pg 177]</span>to the plan, I asked him what were its +advantages.</p> +<p>“‘Sir,’ he replied, ‘I speak for +millions of gentlemen in uncongenial employments, mostly manual and +fatiguing. This would give them the kind of activity that they +would like—such as their class enjoys in other countries +where my system is in full flower, and where it is deemed so sacred +that any proposal for its abolition or simplification by trusts is +regarded with horror, especially by the working men.’</p> +<p>“Having reported to the Panjandrum (whose vermiform +appendix may good angels have in charge) and received his orders, I +called the reformer before me and addressed him thus:</p> +<p>“‘Illustrious economist, I have the honor to inform +you that in the royal judgment your proposal is the most absurd, +impudent and audacious ever made; that the system which you propose +to set up is revolutionary and mischievous beyond the dreams of +treason; that only in a nation of rogues and idiots could it have a +moment’s toleration.’</p> +<p>“He was about to reply, but cutting his throat to intimate +that the hearing was at an end, I withdrew from the Hall of +Audience, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page178" name= +"page178"></a>[pg 178]</span>as under similar circumstances I am +about to do now.”</p> +<p>I withdrew first by way of a window, and after a terrible +journey of six years in the Dolorous Mountains and on the Desert of +Despair came to the western coast. Here I built a ship and after a +long voyage landed on one of the islands constituting the Kingdom +of Tortirra.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page179" name="page179"></a>[pg +179]</span></p> +<h3><a id="tortirra" name="tortirra">The Kingdom of +Tortirra</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Of this unknown country and its inhabitants I have written a +large volume which nothing but the obstinacy of publishers has kept +from the world, and which I trust will yet see the light. +Naturally, I do not wish to publish at this time anything that will +sate public curiosity, and this brief sketch will consist of such +parts only of the work as I think can best be presented in advance +without abating interest in what is to follow when Heaven shall +have put it into the hearts of publishers to square their conduct +with their interests. I must, however, frankly confess that my +choice has been partly determined by other considerations. I offer +here those parts of my narrative which I conceive to be the least +credible—those which deal with the most monstrous and +astounding follies of a strange people. Their ceremony of marriage +by decapitation; their custom of facing to the rear when riding on +horseback; their practice of walking on their hands in all +ceremonial <span class="pagenum"><a id="page180" name= +"page180"></a>[pg 180]</span>processions; their selection of the +blind for military command; their pig-worship—these and many +other comparatively natural particulars of their religious, +political, intellectual and social life I reserve for treatment in +the great work for which I shall soon ask public favor and +acceptance.</p> +<p>In Tortirran politics, as in Tamtonian, the population is always +divided into two, and sometimes three or four +“parties,” each having a “policy” and each +conscientiously believing the policy of the other, or others, +erroneous and destructive. In so far as these various and varying +policies can be seen to have any relation whatever to practical +affairs they can be seen also to be the result of purely selfish +considerations. The self-deluded people flatter themselves that +their elections are contests of principles, whereas they are only +struggles of interests. They are very fond of the word +<em>slagthrit</em>, “principle”; and when they believe +themselves acting from some high moral motive they are capable of +almost any monstrous injustice or stupid folly. This insane +devotion to principle is craftily fostered by their political +leaders who invent captivating phrases intended to confirm them in +it; and these deluding aphorisms are diligently <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page181" name="page181"></a>[pg +181]</span>repeated until all the people have them in memory, with +no knowledge of the fallacies which they conceal. One of these +phrases is “Principles, not men.” In the last analysis +this is seen to mean that it is better to be governed by scoundrels +professing one set of principles than by good men holding another. +That a scoundrel will govern badly, regardless of the principles +which he is supposed somehow to “represent,” is a truth +which, however obvious to our own enlightened intelligence, has +never penetrated the dark understandings of the Tortirrans. It is +chiefly through the dominance of the heresy fostered by this +popular phrase that the political leaders are able to put base men +into office to serve their own nefarious ends.</p> +<p>I have called the political contests of Tortirra struggles of +interests. In nothing is this more clear (to the looker-on at the +game) than in the endless disputes concerning restrictions on +commerce. It must be understood that lying many leagues to the +southeast of Tortirra are other groups of islands, also wholly +unknown to people of our race. They are known by the general name +of <em>Gropilla-Stron</em> (a term signifying “the Land of +the Day-dawn”), though it is impossible to ascertain +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page182" name="page182"></a>[pg +182]</span>why, and are inhabited by a powerful and hardy race, +many of whom I have met in the capital of Tanga. The Stronagu, as +they are called, are bold navigators and traders, their proas +making long and hazardous voyages in all the adjacent seas to +exchange commodities with other tribes. For many years they were +welcomed in Tortirra with great hospitality and their goods eagerly +purchased. They took back with them all manner of Tortirran +products and nobody thought of questioning the mutual advantages of +the exchange. But early in the present century a powerful Tortirran +demagogue named Pragam began to persuade the people that commerce +was piracy—that true prosperity consisted in consumption of +domestic products and abstention from foreign. This extraordinary +heresy soon gathered such head that Pragam was appointed Regent and +invested with almost dictatorial powers. He at once distributed +nearly the whole army among the seaport cities, and whenever a +Stronagu trading proa attempted to land, the soldiery, assisted by +the populace, rushed down to the beach, and with a terrible din of +gongs and an insupportable discharge of stink-pots—the only +offensive weapon known to Tortirran warfare—drove +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page183" name="page183"></a>[pg +183]</span>the laden vessels to sea, or if they persisted in +anchoring destroyed them and smothered their crews in mud. The +Tortirrans themselves not being a sea-going people, all +communication between them and the rest of their little world soon +ceased. But with it ceased the prosperity of Tortirra. Deprived of +a market for their surplus products and compelled to forego the +comforts and luxuries which they had obtained from abroad, the +people began to murmur at the effect of their own folly. A reaction +set in, a powerful opposition to Pragam and his policy was +organized, and he was driven from power.</p> +<p>But the noxious tree that Pragam had planted in the fair garden +of his country’s prosperity had struck root too deeply to be +altogether eradicated. It threw up shoots everywhere, and no sooner +was one cut down than from roots underrunning the whole domain of +political thought others sprang up with a vigorous and baleful +growth. While the dictum that trade is piracy no longer commands +universal acceptance, a majority of the populace still hold a +modified form of it, and that “importation is theft” is +to-day a cardinal political “principle” of a vast body +of Tortirra’s people. The chief expounders and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page184" name="page184"></a>[pg +184]</span>protagonists of this doctrine are all directly or +indirectly engaged in making or growing such articles as were +formerly got by exchange with the Stronagu traders. The articles +are generally inferior in quality, but consumers, not having the +benefit of foreign competition, are compelled to pay extortionate +prices for them, thus maintaining the unscrupulous producers in +needless industries and a pernicious existence. But these active +and intelligent rogues are too powerful to be driven out. They +persuade their followers, among whom are many ignorant consumers, +that this vestigial remnant of the old Pragam policy is all that +keeps the nation from being desolated by small-pox and an epidemic +of broken legs. It is impossible within these limits to give a full +history of the strange delusion whose origin I have related. It has +undergone many modifications and changes, as it is the nature of +error to do, but the present situation is about this. The trading +proas of the Stronagu are permitted to enter certain ports, but +when one arrives she must anchor at a little distance from shore. +Here she is boarded by an officer of the government, who ascertains +the thickness of her keel, the number of souls on board and the +amount and character of the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page185" +name="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span>merchandise she brings. From +these data—the last being the main factor in the +problem—the officer computes her unworthiness and adjudges a +suitable penalty. The next day a scow manned by a certain number of +soldiers pushes out and anchors within easy throw of her, and there +is a frightful beating of gongs. When this has reached its lawful +limit as to time it is hushed and the soldiers throw a stated +number of stink-pots on board the offending craft. These, exploding +as they strike, stifle the captain and crew with an intolerable +odor. In the case of a large proa having a cargo of such +commodities as the Tortirrans particularly need, this bombardment +is continued for hours. At its conclusion the vessel is permitted +to land and discharge her cargo without further molestation. Under +these hard conditions importers find it impossible to do much +business, the exorbitant wages demanded by seamen consuming most of +the profit. No restrictions are now placed on the export trade, and +vessels arriving empty are subjected to no penalties; but the +Stronagu having other markets, in which they can sell as well as +buy, cannot afford to go empty handed to Tortirra.</p> +<p>It will be obvious to the reader that in all <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page186" name="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span>this no +question of “principle” is involved. A well-informed +Tortirran’s mental attitude with regard to the matter may be +calculated with unfailing accuracy from a knowledge of his +interests. If he produces anything which his countrymen want, and +which in the absence of all restriction they could get more cheaply +from the Stronagu than they can from him, he is in politics a +<em>Gakphew</em>, or “Stinkpotter”; if not he is what +that party derisively calls a <em>Shokerbom</em>, which signifies +“Righteous Man”—for there is nothing which the +Gakphews hold in so holy detestation as righteousness.</p> +<p>Nominally, Tortirra is an hereditary monarchy; virtually it is a +democracy, for under a peculiar law of succession there is seldom +an occupant of the throne, and all public affairs are conducted by +a Supreme Legislature sitting at Felduchia, the capital of Tanga, +to which body each island of the archipelago, twenty-nine in +number, elects representatives in proportion to its population, the +total membership being nineteen hundred and seventeen. Each island +has a Subordinate Council for the management of local affairs and a +Head Chief charged with execution of the laws. There is also a +Great Court at Felduchia, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page187" +name="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span>whose function it is to interpret +the general laws of the Kingdom, passed by the Supreme Council, and +a Minor Great Court at the capital of each island, with +corresponding duties and powers. These powers are very loosely and +vaguely defined, and are the subject of endless controversy +everywhere, and nowhere more than in the courts +themselves—such is the multiplicity of laws and so many are +the contradictory decisions upon them, every decision constituting +what is called a <em>lantrag</em>, or, as we might say, +“precedent.” The peculiarity of a <em>lantrag</em>, or +previous decision, is that it is, or is not, binding, at the will +of the honorable judge making a later one on a similar point. If he +wishes to decide in the same way he quotes the previous decision +with all the gravity that he would give to an exposition of the law +itself; if not, he either ignores it altogether, shows that it is +not applicable to the case under consideration (which, as the +circumstances are never exactly the same, he can always do), or +substitutes a contradictory <em>lantrag</em> and fortifies himself +with that. There is a precedent for any decision that a judge may +wish to make, but sometimes he is too indolent to search it out and +cite it. Frequently, when the letter and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page188" name="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span>intent +of the law under which an action is brought are plainly hostile to +the decision which it pleases him to render, the judge finds it +easier to look up an older law, with which it is compatible, and +which the later one, he says, does not repeal, and to base his +decision on that; and there is a law for everything, just as there +is a precedent. Failing to find, or not caring to look for, either +precedent or statute to sustain him, he can readily show that any +other decision than the one he has in will would be <em>tokoli +impelly</em>; that is to say, contrary to public morals, and this, +too, is considered a legitimate consideration, though on another +occasion he may say, with public assent and approval, that it is +his duty, not to make the law conform to justice, but to expound +and enforce it as he finds it. In short, such is the confusion of +the law and the public conscience that the courts of Tortirra do +whatever they please, subject only to overruling by higher courts +in the exercise of <em>their</em> pleasure; for great as is the +number of minor and major tribunals, a case originating in the +lowest is never really settled until it has gone through all the +intermediate ones and been passed upon by the highest, to which it +might just as well have been submitted at first. The <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page189" name="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span>evils +of this astonishing system could not be even baldly catalogued in a +lifetime. They are infinite in number and prodigious in magnitude. +To the trained intelligence of the American observer it is +incomprehensible how any, even the most barbarous, nation can +endure them.</p> +<p>An important function of the Great Court and the Minor Great +Court is passing upon the validity of all laws enacted by the +Supreme Council and the Subordinate Councils, respectively. The +nation as a whole, as well as each separate island, has a +fundamental law called the <em>Trogodal</em>, or, as we should say, +the Constitution; and no law whatever that may be passed by the +Council is final and determinate until the appropriate court has +declared that it conforms to the Trogodal. Nevertheless every law +is put in force the moment it is perfected and before it is +submitted to the court. Indeed, not one in a thousand ever is +submitted at all, that depending upon the possibility of some +individual objecting to its action upon his personal interests, +which few, indeed, can afford to do. It not infrequently occurs +that some law which has for years been rigorously enforced, even by +fines and imprisonment, and to which the whole commercial +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page190" name="page190"></a>[pg +190]</span>and social life of the nation has adjusted itself with +all its vast property interests, is brought before the tribunal +having final jurisdiction in the matter and coolly declared no law +at all. The pernicious effect may be more easily imagined than +related, but those who by loyal obedience to the statute all those +years have been injured in property, those who are ruined by its +erasure and those who may have suffered the severest penalties for +its violation are alike without redress. It seems not to have +occurred to the Tortirrans to require the court to inspect the law +and determine its validity before it is put in force. It is, +indeed, the traditional practice of these strange tribunals, when a +case is forced upon them, to decide, not as many points of law as +they can, but as few as they may; and this dishonest inaction is +not only tolerated but commended as the highest wisdom. The +consequence is that only those who make a profession of the law and +live by it and find their account in having it as little understood +by others as is possible can know which acts and parts of acts are +in force and which are not. The higher courts, too, have arrogated +to themselves the power of declaring unconstitutional even parts of +the Constitution, frequently annulling <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page191" name="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span>most important +provisions of the very instrument creating them!</p> +<p>A popular folly in Tortirra is the selection of representatives +in the Councils from among that class of men who live by the law, +whose sole income is derived from its uncertainties and +perplexities. Obviously, it is to the interest of these men to make +laws which shall be uncertain and perplexing—to confuse and +darken legislation as much as they can. Yet in nearly all the +Councils these men are the most influential and active element, and +it is not uncommon to find them in a numerical majority. It is +evident that the only check upon their ill-doing lies in the +certainty of their disagreement as to the particular kind of +confusion which they may think it expedient to create. Some will +wish to accomplish their common object by one kind of verbal +ambiguity, some by another; some by laws clearly enough (to them) +unconstitutional, others by contradictory statutes, or statutes +secretly repealing wholesome ones already existing. A clear, simple +and just code would deprive them of their means of livelihood and +compel them to seek some honest employment.</p> +<p>So great are the uncertainties of the law in Tortirra that an +eminent judge once confessed <span class="pagenum"><a id="page192" +name="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span>to me that it was his +conscientious belief that if all cases were decided by the +impartial arbitrament of the <em>do-tusis</em> (a process similar +to our “throw of the dice”) substantial justice would +be done far more frequently than under the present system; and +there is reason to believe that in many instances cases at law are +so decided—but only at the close of tedious and costly trials +which have impoverished the litigants and correspondingly enriched +the lawyers.</p> +<p>Of the interminable train of shames and brutalities entailed by +this pernicious system, I shall mention here only a single +one—the sentencing and punishment of an accused person in the +midst of the proceedings against him, and while his guilt is not +finally and definitively established. It frequently occurs that a +man convicted of crime in one of the lower courts is at once +hurried off to prison while he has still the right of appeal to a +higher tribunal, and while that appeal is pending. After months and +sometimes years of punishment his case is reached in the appellate +court, his appeal found valid and a new trial granted, resulting in +his acquittal. He has been imprisoned for a crime of which he is +eventually declared not to have been <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page193" name="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span>properly convicted. But +he has no redress; he is simply set free to bear through all his +after life the stain of dishonor and nourish an ineffectual +resentment. Imagine the storm of popular indignation that would be +evoked in America by an instance of so foul injustice!</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the great public square of Itsami, the capital of Tortirra, +stands a golden statue of Estari-Kumpro, a famous judge of the +Civil Court.<sup>2</sup> <span class="sidenote">2. Klikat um Delu +Ovwi.</span> This great man was celebrated throughout the kingdom +for the wisdom and justice of his decisions and the virtues of his +private life. So profound were the veneration in which he was held +and the awe that his presence inspired, that none of the advocates +in his court ever ventured to address him except in formal pleas: +all motions, objections, and so forth, were addressed to the clerk +and by him disposed of without dissent: the silence of the judge, +who never was heard to utter a word, was understood as sanctioning +the acts of his subordinate. For thirty years, promptly at sunrise, +the great hall of justice was thrown open, disclosing the judge +seated on a loftly dais beneath a black canopy, partly in shadow, +and quite inaccessible. At sunset <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page194" name="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span>all proceedings for the +day terminated, everyone left the hall and the portal closed. The +decisions of this august and learned jurist were always read aloud +by the clerk, and a copy supplied to the counsel on each side. They +were brief, clear and remarkable, not only for their unimpeachable +justice, but for their conformity to the fundamental principles of +law. Not one of them was ever set aside, and during the last +fifteen years of the great judge’s service no litigant ever +took an appeal, although none ever ventured before that infallible +tribunal unless conscientiously persuaded that his cause was +just.</p> +<p>One day it happened during the progress of an important trial +that a sharp shock of earthquake occurred, throwing the whole +assembly into confusion. When order had been restored a cry of +horror and dismay burst from the multitude—the judge’s +head lay flattened upon the floor, a dozen feet below the bench, +and from the neck of the rapidly collapsing body, which had pitched +forward upon his desk, poured a thick stream of sawdust! For thirty +years that great and good man had been represented by a stuffed +manikin. For thirty years he had not entered his own court, nor +heard a word of evidence or <span class="pagenum"><a id="page195" +name="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span>argument. At the moment of the +accident to his simulacrum he was in his library at his home, +writing his decision of the case on trial, and was killed by a +falling chandelier. It was afterward learned that his clerk, +twenty-five years dead, had all the time been personated by a twin +brother, who was an idiot from birth and knew no law.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page196" name="page196"></a>[pg +196]</span></p> +<h3><a id="hither" name="hither">Hither</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Listening to the history of the golden statue in the great +square, as related by a Tortirran storyteller, I fell asleep. On +waking I found myself lying in a cot-bed amidst unfamiliar +surroundings. A bandage was fastened obliquely about my head, +covering my left eye, in which was a dull throbbing pain. Seeing an +attendant near by I beckoned him to my bedside and asked: +“Where am I?”</p> +<p>“Hospital,” he replied, tersely but not unkindly. He +added: “You have a bad eye.” “Yes,” I said, +“I always had; but I could name more than one Tortirran who +has a bad heart.”</p> +<p>“What is a Tortirran?” he asked.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<!--[pg 197][pg 198]--> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page199" name="page199"></a>[pg +199]</span></p> +<h2><a id="ahkoond" name="ahkoond">For the Ahkoond</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In the year 4591 I accepted from his gracious Majesty the +Ahkoond of Citrusia a commission to explore the unknown region +lying to the eastward of the Ultimate Hills, the range which that +learned archæologist, Simeon Tucker, affirms to be identical +with the “Rocky Mountains” of the ancients. For this +proof of his Majesty’s favor I was indebted, doubtless, to a +certain distinction that I had been fortunate enough to acquire by +explorations in the heart of Darkest Europe. His Majesty kindly +offered to raise and equip a large expeditionary force to accompany +me, and I was given the widest discretion in the matter of outfit; +I could draw upon the royal treasury for any sum that I might +require, and upon the royal university for all the scientific +apparatus and assistance necessary to my purpose. Declining these +encumbrances, I took my electric rifle and a portable waterproof +case containing a few simple instruments and writing materials and +set out. Among the instruments <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page200" name="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span>was, of course, an +aerial isochronophone which I set by the one in the Ahkoond’s +private dining-room at the palace. His Majesty invariably dined +alone at 18 o’clock, and sat at table six hours: it was my +intention to send him all my reports at the hour of 23, just as +dessert would be served, and he would be in a proper frame of mind +to appreciate my discoveries and my services to the crown.</p> +<p>At 9 o’clock on the 13th of Meijh I left Sanf Rachisco and +after a tedious journey of nearly fifty minutes arrived at +Bolosson, the eastern terminus of the magnetic tube, on the summit +of the Ultimate Hills. According to Tucker this was anciently a +station on the Central Peaceful Railway, and was called +“German,” in honor of an illustrious dancing master. +Prof. Nupper, however, says it was the ancient Nevraska, the +capital of Kikago, and geographers generally have accepted that +view.</p> +<p>Finding nothing at Bolosson to interest me except a fine view of +the volcano Carlema, then in active eruption, I shouldered my +electric rifle and with my case of instruments strapped upon my +back plunged at once into the wilderness, down the eastern slope. +As I descended the character of the vegetation altered. +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page201" name="page201"></a>[pg +201]</span>The pines of the higher altitudes gave place to oaks, +these to ash, beech and maple. To these succeeded the tamarack and +such trees as affect a moist and marshy habitat; and finally, when +for four months I had been steadily descending, I found myself in a +primeval flora consisting mainly of giant ferns, some of them as +much as twenty <em>surindas</em> in diameter. They grew upon the +margins of vast stagnant lakes which I was compelled to navigate by +means of rude rafts made from their trunks lashed together with +vines.</p> +<p>In the fauna of the region that I had traversed I had noted +changes corresponding to those in the flora. On the upper slope +there was nothing but the mountain sheep, but I passed successively +through the habitats of the bear, the deer and the horse. This last +mentioned creature, which our naturalists have believed long +extinct, and which Dorbley declares our ancestors domesticated, I +found in vast numbers on high table lands covered with grass upon +which it feeds. The animal answers the current description of the +horse very nearly, but all that I saw were destitute of the horns, +and none had the characteristic forked tail. This member, on the +contrary, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page202" name= +"page202"></a>[pg 202]</span>is a tassel of straight wiry hair, +reaching nearly to the ground—a surprising sight. Lower still +I came upon the mastodon, the lion, the tiger, hippopotamus and +alligator, all differing very little from those infesting Central +Europe, as described in my “Travels in the Forgotten +Continent.”</p> +<p>In the lake region where I now found myself, the waters abounded +with ichthyosauri, and along the margins the iguanodon dragged his +obscene bulk in indolent immunity. Great flocks of pterodactyls, +their bodies as large as those of oxen and their necks enormously +long, clamored and fought in the air, the broad membranes of their +wings making a singular musical humming, unlike anything that I had +ever heard. Between them and the ichthyosauri there was incessant +battle, and I was constantly reminded of the ancient poet’s +splendid and original comparison of man to</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">dragons of the prime</p> +<p>That tare each other in their slime.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>When brought down with my electric rifle and properly roasted, +the pterodactyl proved very good eating, particularly the pads of +the toes.</p> +<p>In urging my raft along the shore line of <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page203" name="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span>one of +the stagnant lagoons one day I was surprised to find a broad rock +jutting out from the shore, its upper surface some ten +<em>coprets</em> above the water. Disembarking, I ascended it, and +on examination recognized it as the remnant of an immense mountain +which at one time must have been 5,000 <em>coprets</em> in height +and doubtless the dominating peak of a long range. From the +striations all over it I discovered that it had been worn away to +its present trivial size by glacial action. Opening my case of +instruments, I took out my petrochronologue and applied it to the +worn and scratched surface of the rock. The indicator at once +pointed to K 59 xpc ½! At this astonishing result I was +nearly overcome by excitement: the last erosions of the ice-masses +upon this vestige of a stupendous mountain range which they had +worn away, had been made as recently as the year 1945! Hastily +applying my nymograph, I found that the name of this particular +mountain at the time when it began to be enveloped in the mass of +ice moving down upon it from the north, was “Pike’s +Peak.” Other observations with other instruments showed that +at that time the country circumjacent to it had been inhabited by a +partly civilized race of people known as <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page204" name="page204"></a>[pg +204]</span>Galoots, the name of their capital city being +Denver.</p> +<p>That evening at the hour of 23 I set up my aerial +isochronophone<sup>3</sup> <span class="sidenote">3. This satire was +published in the San Francisco <em>Examiner</em> many years before +the invention of wireless telegraphy; so I retain my own name for +the instrument.—A.B.</span> and reported to his gracious +Majesty the Ahkoond as follows:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> I have the honor to report that I have +made a startling discovery. The primeval region into which I have +penetrated, as I informed you yesterday—the ichthyosaurus +belt—was peopled by tribes considerably advanced in some of +the arts almost within historic times: in 1920. They were +exterminated by a glacial period not exceeding one hundred and +twenty-five years in duration. Your Majesty can conceive the +magnitude and violence of the natural forces which overwhelmed +their country with moving sheets of ice not less that 5,000 +<em>coprets</em> in thickness, grinding down every eminence, +destroying (of course) all animal and vegetable life and leaving +the region a fathomless bog of detritus. Out of this vast sea of +mud Nature has had to evolve another creation, beginning <em>de +novo</em>, with her lowest forms. It has long been known, your +Majesty, that the region east of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page205" name="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>the Ultimate Hills, +betwen them and the Wintry Sea, was once the seat of an ancient +civilization, some scraps and shreds of whose history, arts and +literature have been wafted to us across the gulf of time; but it +was reserved for your gracious Majesty, through me, your humble and +unworthy instrument, to ascertain the astonishing fact that these +were a pre-glacial people—that between them and us stands, as +it were, a wall of impenetrable ice. That all local records of this +unfortunate race have perished your Majesty needs not to be told: +we can supplement our present imperfect knowledge of them by +instrumental observation only.”</p> +<p>To this message I received the following extraordinary +reply:</p> +<p>“All right—another bottle of—ice goes: push +on—this cheese is too—spare no effort to—hand me +those nuts—learn all you can—damn you!”</p> +<p>His most gracious Majesty was being served with dessert, and +served badly.</p> +<p>I now resolved to go directly north toward the source of the +ice-flow and investigate its cause, but examining my barometer +found <span class="pagenum"><a id="page206" name="page206"></a>[pg +206]</span>that I was more than 8,000 <em>coprets</em> below the +sea-level; the moving ice had not only ground down the face of the +country, planing off the eminences and filling the depressions, but +its enormous weight had caused the earth’s crust to sag, and +with the lessening of the weight from evaporation it had not +recovered.</p> +<p>I had no desire to continue in this depression, as I should in +going north, for I should find nothing but lakes, marshes and +ferneries, infested with the same primitive and monstrous forms of +life. So I continued my course eastward and soon had the +satisfaction to find myself meeting the sluggish current of such +streams as I encountered in my way. By vigorous use of the new +double-distance telepode, which enables the wearer to step eighty +<em>surindas</em> instead of forty, as with the instrument in +popular use, I was soon again at a considerable elevation above the +sea-level and nearly 200 <em>prastams</em> from “Pike’s +Peak.” A little farther along the water courses began to flow +to the eastward. The flora and fauna had again altered in +character, and now began to grow sparse; the soil was thin and +arid, and in a week I found myself in a region absolutely destitute +of organic life and without a vestige of soil. All was barren rock. +The <span class="pagenum"><a id="page207" name="page207"></a>[pg +207]</span>surface for hundreds of <em>prastams</em>, as I +continued my advance, was nearly level, with a slight dip to the +eastward. The rock was singularly striated, the scratches arranged +concentrically and in helicoidal curves. This circumstance puzzled +me and I resolved to take some more instrumental observations, +bitterly regretting my improvidence in not availing myself of the +Ahkoond’s permission to bring with me such apparatus and +assistants as would have given me knowledge vastly more copious and +accurate than I could acquire with my simple pocket appliances.</p> +<p>I need not here go into the details of my observations with such +instruments as I had, nor into the calculations of which these +observations were the basic data. Suffice it that after two +months’ labor I reported the results to his Majesty in Sanf +Rachisco in the words following:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> It is my high privilege to apprise you of +my arrival on the western slope of a mighty depression running +through the center of the continent north and south, formerly known +as the Mississippi Valley. It was once the seat of a thriving and +prosperous population known as the Pukes, but is now a vast expanse +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page208" name="page208"></a>[pg +208]</span>of bare rock, from which every particle of soil and +everything movable, including people, animals and vegetation, have +been lifted by terrific cyclones and scattered afar, falling in +other lands and at sea in the form of what was called meteoric +dust! I find that these terrible phenomena began to occur about the +year 1860, and lasted, with increasing frequency and power, through +a century, culminating about the middle of that glacial period +which saw the extinction of the Galoots and their neighboring +tribes. There was, of course, a close connection between the two +malefic phenomena, both, doubtless, being due to the same cause, +which I have been unable to trace. A cyclone, I venture to remind +your gracious Majesty, is a mighty whirlwind, accompanied by the +most startling meteorological phenomena, such as electrical +disturbances, floods of falling water, darkness and so forth. It +moves with great speed, sucking up everything and reducing it to +powder. In many days’ journey I have not found a square +<em>copret</em> of the country that did not suffer a visitation. If +any human being escaped he must speedily have perished from +starvation. For some twenty centuries the Pukes have been an +extinct race, and their country a desolation <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page209" name="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span>in +which no living thing can dwell, unless, like me, it is supplied +with Dr. Blobob’s Condensed Life-pills.”</p> +<p>The Ahkoond replied that he was pleased to feel the most +poignant grief for the fate of the unfortunate Pukes, and if I +should by chance find the ancient king of the country I was to do +my best to revive him with the patent resuscitator and present him +the assurances of his Majesty’s distinguished consideration; +but as the politoscope showed that the nation had been a republic I +gave myself no trouble in the matter.</p> +<p>My next report was made six months later and was in substance +this:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> I address your Majesty from a point 430 +<em>coprets</em> vertically above the site of the famous ancient +city of Buffalo, once the capital of a powerful nation called the +Smugwumps. I can approach no nearer because of the hardness of the +snow, which is very firmly packed. For hundreds of +<em>prastams</em> in every direction, and for thousands to the +north and west, the land is covered with this substance, which, as +your Majesty is doubtless aware, is extremely cold to the touch, +but by <span class="pagenum"><a id="page210" name="page210"></a>[pg +210]</span>application of sufficient heat can be turned into water. +It falls from the heavens, and is believed by the learned among +your Majesty’s subjects to have a sidereal origin.</p> +<p>“The Smugwumps were a hardy and intelligent race, but they +entertained the vain delusion that they could subdue Nature. Their +year was divided into two seasons—summer and winter, the +former warm, the latter cold. About the beginning of the nineteenth +century according to my archæthermograph, the summers began +to grow shorter and hotter, the winters longer and colder. At every +point in their country, and every day in the year, when they had +not the hottest weather ever known in that place, they had the +coldest. When they were not dying by hundreds from sunstroke they +were dying by thousands from frost. But these heroic and devoted +people struggled on, believing that they were becoming acclimated +faster than the climate was becoming insupportable. Those called +away on business were even afflicted with nostalgia, and with a +fatal infatuation returned to grill or freeze, according to the +season of their arrival. Finally there was no summer at all, though +the last flash of heat slew several millions and set most of their +cities afire, and winter reigned eternal.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page211" name="page211"></a>[pg +211]</span>“The Smugwumps were now keenly sensible of the +perils environing them, and, abandoning their homes, endeavored to +reach their kindred, the Californians, on the western side of the +continent in what is now your Majesty’s ever-blessed realm. +But it was too late: the snow growing deeper and deeper day by day, +besieged them in their towns and dwellings, and they were unable to +escape. The last one of them perished about the year 1943, and may +God have mercy on his fool soul!”</p> +<p>To this dispatch the Ahkoond replied that it was the royal +opinion that the Smugwumps were served very well right.</p> +<p>Some weeks later I reported thus:</p> +<p>“<em>Sire:</em> The country which your Majesty’s +munificence is enabling your devoted servant to explore extends +southward and southwestward from Smugwumpia many hundreds of +<em>prastams</em>, its eastern and southern borders being the +Wintry Sea and the Fiery Gulf, respectively. The population in +ancient times was composed of Whites and Blacks in about equal +numbers and of about equal moral worth—at least that is the +record on the dial of my ethnograph when set for the twentieth +century and given a southern exposure. <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page212" name="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span>The Whites were called +Crackers and the Blacks known as Coons.</p> +<p>“I find here none of the barrenness and desolation +characterizing the land of the ancient Pukes, and the climate is +not so rigorous and thrilling as that of the country of the late +Smugwumps. It is, indeed, rather agreeable in point of temperature, +and the soil being fertile exceedingly, the whole land is covered +with a dense and rank vegetation. I have yet to find a square +<em>smig</em> of it that is open ground, or one that is not the +lair of some savage beast, the haunt of some venomous reptile, or +the roost of some offensive bird. Crackers and Coons alike are long +extinct, and these are their successors.</p> +<p>“Nothing could be more forbidding and unwholesome than +these interminable jungles, with their horrible wealth of organic +life in its most objectionable forms. By repeated observations with +the necrohistoriograph I find that the inhabitants of this country, +who had always been more or less dead, were wholly extirpated +contemporaneously with the disastrous events which swept away the +Galoots, the Pukes and the Smugwumps. The agency of their +effacement was an endemic disorder known as yellow fever. The +ravages of this <span class="pagenum"><a id="page213" name= +"page213"></a>[pg 213]</span>frightful disease were of frequent +recurrence, every point of the country being a center of infection; +but in some seasons it was worse than in others. Once in every half +century at first, and afterward every year<sup>4</sup><span class= +"sidenote">4. At one time it was foolishly believed that the +disease had been eradicated by slapping the mosquitoes which were +thought to produce it; but a few years later it broke out with +greater violence than ever before, although the mosquitoes had left +the country.</span> it broke out somewhere and swept over wide +areas with such fatal effect that there were not enough of the +living to plunder the dead; but at the first frost it would +subside. During the ensuing two or three months of immunity the +stupid survivors returned to the infected homes from which they had +fled and were ready for the next outbreak. Emigration would have +saved them all, but although the Californians (over whose happy and +prosperous descendants your Majesty has the goodness to reign) +invited them again and again to their beautiful land, where +sickness and death were hardly known, they would not go, and by the +year 1946 the last one of them, may it please your gracious +Majesty, was dead and damned.”</p> +<p>Having spoken this into the transmitter of the aerial +isochronophone at the usual hour of <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page214" name="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span>23 o’clock I +applied the receiver to my ear, confidently expecting the customary +commendation. Imagine my astonishment and dismay when my +master’s well-remembered voice was heard in utterance of the +most awful imprecations on me and my work, followed by appalling +threats against my life!</p> +<p>The Ahkoond had changed his dinner-time to five hours later and +I had been speaking into the ears of an empty stomach!</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<!-->[pg 215][pg 216]--> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page217" name="page217"></a>[pg +217]</span></p> +<h2><a id="liberator" name="liberator">John Smith, +Liberator</a></h2> +<h4>(From a Newspaper of the Far Future)</h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>At the quiet little village of Smithcester, which certain +archæologists have professed to “identify” as the +ancient London, will be celebrated to-day the thirtieth centennial +anniversary of the birth of this remarkable man, the foremost +figure of antiquity. The recurrence of what no more than six +centuries ago was a popular <em>fête</em> day and even now is +seldom permitted to pass without recognition by those to whom +liberty means something more precious than opportunity for gain, +excites a peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or no +tradition has correctly fixed the time and place of Smith’s +birth. That he was born; that being born he wrought nobly at the +work that his hand found to do; that by the mere force of his +powerful intellect he established and perfected our present benign +form of government, under which civilization has attained its +highest and ripest development—these are <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page218" name="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>facts +beside which mere questions of chronology and geography are trivial +and without significance.</p> +<p>That this extraordinary man originated the Smithocratic form of +government is, perhaps, open to intelligent doubt; possibly it had +a <em>de facto</em> existence in crude and uncertain shapes as +early as the time of Edward XVII,—an existence local, +unorganized and intermittent. But that he cleared it of its +overlying errors and superstitions, gave it definite form and +shaped it into a coherent and practical scheme there is +unquestionable evidence in fragments of ancestral literature that +have come down to us, disfigured though they are with amazingly +contradictory statements regarding his birth, parentage and manner +of life before he strode out upon the political stage as the +Liberator of Mankind. It is said that Shakspar, a poet whose works +had in their day a considerable vogue, though it is difficult to +say why, alludes to him as “the noblest Roman of them +all,” our forefathers of the period being known as Romans or +Englishmen, indifferently. In the only authentic fragment of +Shakspar extant, however, this passage is not included.</p> +<p>Smith’s military power is amply attested <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page219" name="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>in an +ancient manuscript of undoubted authenticity which has recently +been translated from the Siamese. It is an account of the water +battle of Loo, by an eye-witness whose name, unfortunately, has not +reached us. It is stated that in this famous engagement Smith +overthrew the great Neapolitan general, whom he captured and +conveyed in chains to the island of Chickenhurst.</p> +<p>In his “Political History of Europe” the late +Professor Mimble has this luminous sentence: “With the single +exception of Ecuador there was no European government that the +Liberator did not transform into a pure Smithocracy, and although +some of them relapsed transiently into the primitive forms, and +others grew into extravagant and fanciful systems begotten of the +intellectual activity to which he had stirred the whole world, yet +so firmly did he establish the principle that in the thirty-second +century the civilized world had become, and has remained, virtually +Smithocratic.”</p> +<p>It may be noted here as a singular coincidence that the year +which is believed to have seen the birth of him who founded +rational government witnessed the death of him who perfected +literature: Martin Farquhar Tupper <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page220" name="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>(after Smith the most +noted name in history) starved to death in the streets of London. +Like that of Smith his origin is wrapped in obscurity. No fewer +than seven British cities claim the honor of his nativity. Meager +indeed is our knowledge of this only British bard whose works have +endured through thirty centuries. All that is certain is that he +was once arrested for deer-stealing; that, although blind, he +fought a duel with a person named Salmasius, for which he was +thrown into Bedford gaol, whence he escaped to the Tower of London; +that the manuscript of his “Proverbial Philosophy” was +for many years hidden in a hollow oak tree, where it was found by +his grandmother, Ella Wheeler Tupper, who fled with it to America +and published many brilliant passages from it over her own name. +Had Smith and Tupper been contemporaries the iron deeds of the +former would doubtless have been recorded in the golden pages of +the latter, to the incalculable enrichment of Roman history.</p> +<p>Strangely unimpressible indeed must be the mind which, looking +backward through the mists of the centuries upon the primitive race +from which we are believed to have sprung, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page221" name="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span>can +repress a feeling of sympathetic interest. The names of John Smith +and Martin Farquhar Tupper, blazoned upon the page of that dim past +and surrounded by the lesser names of Shakspar, the first +Neapolitan, Oliver Cornwell, that Mynheer Baloon who was known as +the Flying Dutchman, Julia Cæsar, commonly known as the +Serpent of the Nile—all these are richly suggestive. They +call to mind the odd custom of wearing “clothes”; the +incredible error of Copernicus and other wide and wild guesses of +ancient “science”; the lost arts of telegramy, steam +locomotion, printing, and the tempering of iron. They set us +thinking of the zealous idolatry that led men on pious pilgrimages +to the accessible regions about the north pole and into the then +savage interior of Africa in search of the fountain of youth. They +conjure up visions of bloodthirsty “Emperors,” +tyrannical “Kings,” vampire “Presidents,” +and robber “Parliaments”—grotesque and horrible +shapes in terrible contrast with the serene and benign figures and +features of our modern Smithocracy.</p> +<p>Let us to-day rejoice and give thanks to Bungoot that the old +order of things has passed forever away. Let us praise Him that +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page222" name="page222"></a>[pg +222]</span>our lot has been cast in more wholesome days than those +in which Smith wrought and Tupper sang. And yet let us not forget +whatever there was of good, if any, in the pre-Smithian period, +when men cherished quaint superstitions and rode on the backs of +beasts—when they settled questions of right and expediency by +counting noses—when cows were enslaved and women +free—when science had not dawned to chase away the shadows of +imagination and the fear of immortality—and when the +cabalistic letters “A.D.,” which from habit we still +affix to numerals designating the date, had perhaps a known +signification. It is indeed well to live in this golden age, under +the benign sway of that supreme and culminating product of +Smithocracy, our gracious sovereign, his Majesty John CLXXVIII.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page223" name="page223"></a>[pg +223]</span></p> +<h2><a id="autobio" name="autobio">Bits Of Autobiography</a></h2> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<!--[pg 224--> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page225" name="page225"></a>[pg +225]</span></p> +<h3><a id="mountain" name="mountain">On a Mountain</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>They say that the lumberman has looked upon the Cheat Mountain +country and seen that it is good, and I hear that some wealthy +gentlemen have been there and made a game preserve. There must be +lumber and, I suppose, sport, but some things one could wish were +ordered otherwise. Looking back upon it through the haze of near +half a century, I see that region as a veritable realm of +enchantment; the Alleghanies as the Delectable Mountains. I note +again their dim, blue billows, ridge after ridge interminable, +beyond purple valleys full of sleep, “in which it seemed +always afternoon.” Miles and miles away, where the lift of +earth meets the stoop of sky, I discern an imperfection in the +tint, a faint graying of the blue above the main range—the +smoke of an enemy’s camp.</p> +<p>It was in the autumn of that “most immemorial year,” +the 1861st of our Lord, and of our Heroic Age the first, that a +small brigade of raw troops—troops were all raw in +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page226" name="page226"></a>[pg +226]</span>those days—had been pushed in across the Ohio +border and after various vicissitudes of fortune and mismanagement +found itself, greatly to its own surprise, at Cheat Mountain Pass, +holding a road that ran from Nowhere to the southeast. Some of us +had served through the summer in the “three-months’ +regiments,” which responded to the President’s first +call for troops. We were regarded by the others with profound +respect as “old soldiers.” (Our ages, if equalized, +would, I fancy, have given about twenty years to each man.) We gave +ourselves, this aristocracy of service, no end of military airs; +some of us even going to the extreme of keeping our jackets +buttoned and our hair combed. We had been in action, too; had shot +off a Confederate leg at Philippi, “the first battle of the +war,” and had lost as many as a dozen men at Laurel Hill and +Carrick’s Ford, whither the enemy had fled in trying, Heaven +knows why, to get away from us. We now “brought to the +task” of subduing the Rebellion a patriotism which never for +a moment doubted that a rebel was a fiend accursed of God and the +angels—one for whose extirpation by force and arms each youth +of us considered himself specially “raised up.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page227" name="page227"></a>[pg +227]</span>It was a strange country. Nine in ten of us had never +seen a mountain, nor a hill as high as a church spire, until we had +crossed the Ohio River. In power upon the emotions nothing, I +think, is comparable to a first sight of mountains. To a member of +a plains-tribe, born and reared on the flats of Ohio or Indiana, a +mountain region was a perpetual miracle. Space seemed to have taken +on a new dimension; areas to have not only length and breadth, but +thickness.</p> +<p>Modern literature is full of evidence that our great +grandfathers looked upon mountains with aversion and horror. The +poets of even the seventeenth century never tire of damning them in +good, set terms. If they had had the unhappiness to read the +opening lines of “The Pleasures of Hope,” they would +assuredly have thought Master Campbell had gone funny and should be +shut up lest he do himself an injury.</p> +<p>The flatlanders who invaded the Cheat Mountain country had been +suckled in another creed, and to them western Virginia—there +was, as yet, no West Virginia—was an enchanted land. How we +reveled in its savage beauties! With what pure delight we inhaled +its fragrances of spruce and pine! <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page228" name="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span>How we stared with +something like awe at its clumps of laurel!—real laurel, as +we understood the matter, whose foliage had been once accounted +excellent for the heads of illustrious Romans and such—mayhap +to reduce the swelling. We carved its roots into fingerrings and +pipes. We gathered spruce-gum and sent it to our sweethearts in +letters. We ascended every hill within our picket-lines and called +it a “peak.”</p> +<p>And, by the way, during those halcyon days (the halcyon was +there, too, chattering above every creek, as he is all over the +world) we fought another battle. It has not got into history, but +it had a real objective existence although by a felicitous +afterthought called by us who were defeated a “reconnaissance +in force.” Its short and simple annals are that we marched a +long way and lay down before a fortified camp of the enemy at the +farther edge of a valley. Our commander had the forethought to see +that we lay well out of range of the small-arms of the period. A +disadvantage of this arrangement was that the enemy was out of +reach of us as well, for our rifles were no better than his. +Unfortunately—one might almost say unfairly—he had a +few pieces of artillery very well protected, and with those he +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page229" name="page229"></a>[pg +229]</span>mauled us to the eminent satisfaction of his mind and +heart. So we parted from him in anger and returned to our own +place, leaving our dead—not many.</p> +<p>Among them was a chap belonging to my company, named Abbott; it +is not odd that I recollect it, for there was something unusual in +the manner of Abbott’s taking off. He was lying flat upon his +stomach and was killed by being struck in the side by a nearly +spent cannon-shot that came rolling in among us. The shot remained +in him until removed. It was a solid round-shot, evidently cast in +some private foundry, whose proprietor, setting the laws of thrift +above those of ballistics, had put his “imprint” upon +it: it bore, in slightly sunken letters, the name +“Abbott.” That is what I was told—I was not +present.</p> +<p>It was after this, when the nights had acquired a trick of +biting and the morning sun appeared to shiver with cold, that we +moved up to the summit of Cheat Mountain to guard the pass through +which nobody wanted to go. Here we slew the forest and builded us +giant habitations (astride the road from Nowhere to the southeast) +commodious to lodge an army and fitly loopholed for discomfiture of +the adversary. The long logs that it was our pride to cut and +carry! The accuracy with <span class="pagenum"><a id="page230" +name="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>which we laid them one upon +another, hewn to the line and bullet-proof! The Cyclopean doors +that we hung, with sliding bolts fit to be “the mast of some +great admiral”! And when we had “made the pile +complete” some marplot of the Regular Army came that way and +chatted a few moments with our commander, and we made an earthwork +away off on one side of the road (leaving the other side to take +care of itself) and camped outside it in tents! But the Regular +Army fellow had not the heart to suggest the demolition of our +Towers of Babel, and the foundations remain to this day to attest +the genius of the American volunteer soldiery.</p> +<p>We were the original game-preservers of the Cheat Mountain +region, for although we hunted in season and out of season over as +wide an area as we dared to cover we took less game, probably, than +would have been taken by a certain single hunter of disloyal views +whom we scared away. There were bear galore and deer in quantity, +and many a winter day, in snow up to his knees, did the writer of +this pass in tracking bruin to his den, where, I am bound to say, I +commonly left him. I agreed with my lamented friend, the late +Robert Weeks, poet:</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page231" name="page231"></a>[pg +231]</span></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Pursuit may be, it seems to me,</p> +<p>Perfect without possession.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>There can be no doubt that the wealthy sportsmen who have made a +preserve of the Cheat Mountain region will find plenty of game if +it has not died since 1861. We left it there.</p> +<p>Yet hunting and idling were not the whole of life’s +programme up there on that wild ridge with its shaggy pelt of +spruce and firs, and in the riparian lowlands that it parted. We +had a bit of war now and again. There was an occasional +“affair of outposts”; sometimes a hazardous scout into +the enemy’s country, ordered, I fear, more to keep up the +appearance of doing something than with a hope of accomplishing a +military result. But one day it was bruited about that a movement +in force was to be made on the enemy’s position miles away, +at the summit of the main ridge of the Alleghanies—the camp +whose faint blue smoke we had watched for weary days. The movement +was made, as was the fashion in those ‘prentice days of +warfare, in two columns, which were to pounce upon the foeman from +opposite sides at the same moment. Led over unknown roads by +untrusty guides, encountering obstacles not foreseen—miles +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page232" name="page232"></a>[pg +232]</span>apart and without communication, the two columns +invariably failed to execute the movement with requisite secrecy +and precision. The enemy, in enjoyment of that inestimable military +advantage known in civilian speech as being +“surrounded,” always beat the attacking columns one at +a time or, turning red-handed from the wreck of the first, +frightened the other away.</p> +<p>All one bright wintry day we marched down from our eyrie; all +one bright wintry night we climbed the great wooded ridge opposite. +How romantic it all was; the sunset valleys full of visible sleep; +the glades suffused and interpenetrated with moonlight; the long +valley of the Greenbrier stretching away to we knew not what silent +cities; the river itself unseen under its “astral body” +of mist! Then there was the “spice of danger.”</p> +<p>Once we heard shots in front; then there was a long wait. As we +trudged on we passed something—some things—lying by the +wayside. During another wait we examined them, curiously lifting +the blankets from their yellow-clay faces. How repulsive they +looked with their blood-smears, their blank, staring eyes, their +teeth uncovered by contraction of the lips! The frost had begun +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page233" name="page233"></a>[pg +233]</span>already to whiten their deranged clothing. We were as +patriotic as ever, but we did not wish to be that way. For an hour +afterward the injunction of silence in the ranks was needless.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Repassing the spot the next day, a beaten, dispirited and +exhausted force, feeble from fatigue and savage from defeat, some +of us had life enough left, such as it was, to observe that these +bodies had altered their position. They appeared also to have +thrown off some of their clothing, which lay near by, in disorder. +Their expression, too, had an added blankness—they had no +faces.</p> +<p>As soon as the head of our straggling column had reached the +spot a desultory firing had begun. One might have thought the +living paid honors to the dead. No; the firing was a military +execution; the condemned, a herd of galloping swine. They had eaten +our fallen, but—touching magnanimity!—we did not eat +theirs.</p> +<p>The shooting of several kinds was very good in the Cheat +Mountain country, even in 1861.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page234" name="page234"></a>[pg +234]</span></p> +<h3><a id="shiloh" name="shiloh">What I Saw of Shiloh</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<h4>I</h4> +<p>This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told +by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.</p> +<p>The morning of Sunday, the sixth day of April, 1862, was bright +and warm. Reveille had been sounded rather late, for the troops, +wearied with long marching, were to have a day of rest. The men +were idling about the embers of their bivouac fires; some preparing +breakfast, others looking carelessly to the condition of their arms +and accoutrements, against the inevitable inspection; still others +were chatting with indolent dogmatism on that never-failing theme, +the end and object of the campaign. Sentinels paced up and down the +confused front with a lounging freedom of mien and stride that +would not have been tolerated at another time. A few of them limped +unsoldierly in deference to blistered feet. At a little distance in +rear of the stacked <span class="pagenum"><a id="page235" name= +"page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>arms were a few tents out of which +frowsy-headed officers occasionally peered, languidly calling to +their servants to fetch a basin of water, dust a coat or polish a +scabbard. Trim young mounted orderlies, bearing dispatches +obviously unimportant, urged their lazy nags by devious ways +amongst the men, enduring with unconcern their good-humored +raillery, the penalty of superior station. Little negroes of not +very clearly defined status and function lolled on their stomachs, +kicking their long, bare heels in the sunshine, or slumbered +peacefully, unaware of the practical waggery prepared by white +hands for their undoing.</p> +<p>Presently the flag hanging limp and lifeless at headquarters was +seen to lift itself spiritedly from the staff. At the same instant +was heard a dull, distant sound like the heavy breathing of some +great animal below the horizon. The flag had lifted its head to +listen. There was a momentary lull in the hum of the human swarm; +then, as the flag drooped the hush passed away. But there were some +hundreds more men on their feet than before; some thousands of +hearts beating with a quicker pulse.</p> +<p>Again the flag made a warning sign, and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page236" name="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span>again +the breeze bore to our ears the long, deep sighing of iron lungs. +The division, as if it had received the sharp word of command, +sprang to its feet, and stood in groups at “attention.” +Even the little blacks got up. I have since seen similar effects +produced by earthquakes; I am not sure but the ground was trembling +then. The mess-cooks, wise in their generation, lifted the steaming +camp-kettles off the fire and stood by to cast out. The mounted +orderlies had somehow disappeared. Officers came ducking from +beneath their tents and gathered in groups. Headquarters had become +a swarming hive.</p> +<p>The sound of the great guns now came in regular +throbbings—the strong, full pulse of the fever of battle. The +flag flapped excitedly, shaking out its blazonry of stars and +stripes with a sort of fierce delight. Toward the knot of officers +in its shadow dashed from somewhere—he seemed to have burst +out of the ground in a cloud of dust—a mounted aide-de-camp, +and on the instant rose the sharp, clear notes of a bugle, caught +up and repeated, and passed on by other bugles, until the level +reaches of brown fields, the line of woods trending away to far +hills, and the unseen valleys beyond were “telling of the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page237" name="page237"></a>[pg +237]</span>sound,” the farther, fainter strains half drowned +in ringing cheers as the men ran to range themselves behind the +stacks of arms. For this call was not the wearisome +“general” before which the tents go down; it was the +exhilarating “assembly,” which goes to the heart as +wine and stirs the blood like the kisses of a beautiful woman. Who +that has heard it calling to him above the grumble of great guns +can forget the wild intoxication of its music?</p> +<h4>II</h4> +<p>The Confederate forces in Kentucky and Tennessee had suffered a +series of reverses, culminating in the loss of Nashville. The blow +was severe: immense quantities of war material had fallen to the +victor, together with all the important strategic points. General +Johnston withdrew Beauregard’s army to Corinth, in northern +Mississippi, where he hoped so to recruit and equip it as to enable +it to assume the offensive and retake the lost territory.</p> +<p>The town of Corinth was a wretched place—the capital of a +swamp. It is a two days’ march west of the Tennessee River, +which <span class="pagenum"><a id="page238" name="page238"></a>[pg +238]</span>here and for a hundred and fifty miles farther, to where +it falls into the Ohio at Paducah, runs nearly north. It is +navigable to this point—that is to say, to Pittsburg Landing, +where Corinth got to it by a road worn through a thickly wooded +country seamed with ravines and bayous, rising nobody knows where +and running into the river under sylvan arches heavily draped with +Spanish moss. In some places they were obstructed by fallen trees. +The Corinth road was at certain seasons a branch of the Tennessee +River. Its mouth was Pittsburg Landing. Here in 1862 were some +fields and a house or two; now there are a national cemetery and +other improvements.</p> +<p>It was at Pittsburg Landing that Grant established his army, +with a river in his rear and two toy steamboats as a means of +communication with the east side, whither General Buell with thirty +thousand men was moving from Nashville to join him. The question +has been asked, Why did General Grant occupy the enemy’s side +of the river in the face of a superior force before the arrival of +Buell? Buell had a long way to come; perhaps Grant was weary of +waiting. Certainly Johnston was, for in the gray of the morning of +April <span class="pagenum"><a id="page239" name="page239"></a>[pg +239]</span>6th, when Buell’s leading division was <em>en +bivouac</em> near the little town of Savannah, eight or ten miles +below, the Confederate forces, having moved out of Corinth two days +before, fell upon Grant’s advance brigades and destroyed +them. Grant was at Savannah, but hastened to the Landing in time to +find his camps in the hands of the enemy and the remnants of his +beaten army cooped up with an impassable river at their backs for +moral support. I have related how the news of this affair came to +us at Savannah. It came on the wind—a messenger that does not +bear copious details.</p> +<h4>III</h4> +<p>On the side of the Tennessee River, over against Pittsburg +Landing, are some low bare hills, partly inclosed by a forest. In +the dusk of the evening of April 6 this open space, as seen from +the other side of the stream—whence, indeed, it was anxiously +watched by thousands of eyes, to many of which it grew dark long +before the sun went down—would have appeared to have been +ruled in long, dark lines, with new lines being constantly drawn +across. These lines were the regiments <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page240" name="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>of Buell’s +leading division, which having moved up from Savannah through a +country presenting nothing but interminable swamps and pathless +“bottom lands,” with rank overgrowths of jungle, was +arriving at the scene of action breathless, footsore and faint with +hunger. It had been a terrible race; some regiments had lost a +third of their number from fatigue, the men dropping from the ranks +as if shot, and left to recover or die at their leisure. Nor was +the scene to which they had been invited likely to inspire the +moral confidence that medicines physical fatigue. True, the air was +full of thunder and the earth was trembling beneath their feet; and +if there is truth in the theory of the conversion of force, these +men were storing up energy from every shock that burst its waves +upon their bodies. Perhaps this theory may better than another +explain the tremendous endurance of men in battle. But the eyes +reported only matter for despair.</p> +<p>Before us ran the turbulent river, vexed with plunging shells +and obscured in spots by blue sheets of low-lying smoke. The two +little steamers were doing their duty well. They came over to us +empty and went back crowded, sitting very low in the water, +apparently <span class="pagenum"><a id="page241" name= +"page241"></a>[pg 241]</span>on the point of capsizing. The farther +edge of the water could not be seen; the boats came out of the +obscurity, took on their passengers and vanished in the darkness. +But on the heights above, the battle was burning brightly enough; a +thousand lights kindled and expired in every second of time. There +were broad flushings in the sky, against which the branches of the +trees showed black. Sudden flames burst out here and there, singly +and in dozens. Fleeting streaks of fire crossed over to us by way +of welcome. These expired in blinding flashes and fierce little +rolls of smoke, attended with the peculiar metallic ring of +bursting shells, and followed by the musical humming of the +fragments as they struck into the ground on every side, making us +wince, but doing little harm. The air was full of noises. To the +right and the left the musketry rattled smartly and petulantly; +directly in front it sighed and growled. To the experienced ear +this meant that the death-line was an arc of which the river was +the chord. There were deep, shaking explosions and smart shocks; +the whisper of stray bullets and the hurtle of conical shells; the +rush of round shot. There were faint, desultory cheers, such as +announce a momentary or partial triumph. <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page242" name="page242"></a>[pg +242]</span>Occasionally, against the glare behind the trees, could +be seen moving black figures, singularly distinct but apparently no +longer than a thumb. They seemed to me ludicrously like the figures +of demons in old allegorical prints of hell. To destroy these and +all their belongings the enemy needed but another hour of daylight; +the steamers in that case would have been doing him fine service by +bringing more fish to his net. Those of us who had the good fortune +to arrive late could then have eaten our teeth in impotent rage. +Nay, to make his victory sure it did not need that the sun should +pause in the heavens; one of the many random shots falling into the +river would have done the business had chance directed it into the +engine-room of a steamer. You can perhaps fancy the anxiety with +which we watched them leaping down.</p> +<p>But we had two other allies besides the night. Just where the +enemy had pushed his right flank to the river was the mouth of a +wide bayou, and here two gunboats had taken station. They too were +of the toy sort, plated perhaps with railway metals, perhaps with +boiler-iron. They staggered under a heavy gun or two each. The +bayou made an opening in the high bank of the river. The bank +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page243" name="page243"></a>[pg +243]</span>was a parapet, behind which the gunboats crouched, +firing up the bayou as through an embrasure. The enemy was at this +disadvantage: he could not get at the gunboats, and he could +advance only by exposing his flank to their ponderous missiles, one +of which would have broken a half-mile of his bones and made +nothing of it. Very annoying this must have been—these twenty +gunners beating back an army because a sluggish creek had been +pleased to fall into a river at one point rather than another. Such +is the part that accident may play in the game of war.</p> +<p>As a spectacle this was rather fine. We could just discern the +black bodies of these boats, looking very much like turtles. But +when they let off their big guns there was a conflagration. The +river shuddered in its banks, and hurried on, bloody, wounded, +terrified! Objects a mile away sprang toward our eyes as a snake +strikes at the face of its victim. The report stung us to the +brain, but we blessed it audibly. Then we could hear the great +shell tearing away through the air until the sound died out in the +distance; then, a surprisingly long time afterward, a dull, distant +explosion and a sudden silence of small-arms told their own +tale.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page244" name="page244"></a>[pg +244]</span></p> +<h4>IV</h4> +<p>There was, I remember, no elephant on the boat that passed us +across that evening, nor, I think, any hippopotamus. These would +have been out of place. We had, however, a woman. Whether the baby +was somewhere on board I did not learn. She was a fine creature, +this woman; somebody’s wife. Her mission, as she understood +it, was to inspire the failing heart with courage; and when she +selected mine I felt less flattered by her preference than +astonished by her penetration. How did she learn? She stood on the +upper deck with the red blaze of battle bathing her beautiful face, +the twinkle of a thousand rifles mirrored in her eyes; and +displaying a small ivory-handled pistol, she told me in a sentence +punctuated by the thunder of great guns that if it came to the +worst she would do her duty like a man! I am proud to remember that +I took off my hat to this little fool.</p> +<h4>V</h4> +<p>Along the sheltered strip of beach between the river bank and +the water was a confused <span class="pagenum"><a id="page245" +name="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span>mass of humanity—several +thousands of men. They were mostly unarmed; many were wounded; some +dead. All the camp-following tribes were there; all the cowards; a +few officers. Not one of them knew where his regiment was, nor if +he had a regiment. Many had not. These men were defeated, beaten, +cowed. They were deaf to duty and dead to shame. A more demented +crew never drifted to the rear of broken battalions. They would +have stood in their tracks and been shot down to a man by a +provost-marshal’s guard, but they could not have been urged +up that bank. An army’s bravest men are its cowards. The +death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will +meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.</p> +<p>Whenever a steamboat would land, this abominable mob had to be +kept off her with bayonets; when she pulled away, they sprang on +her and were pushed by scores into the water, where they were +suffered to drown one another in their own way. The men +disembarking insulted them, shoved them, struck them. In return +they expressed their unholy delight in the certainty of our +destruction by the enemy.</p> +<p>By the time my regiment had reached the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page246" name="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span>plateau +night had put an end to the struggle. A sputter of rifles would +break out now and then, followed perhaps by a spiritless hurrah. +Occasionally a shell from a far-away battery would come pitching +down somewhere near, with a whir crescendo, or flit above our heads +with a whisper like that made by the wings of a night bird, to +smother itself in the river. But there was no more fighting. The +gunboats, however, blazed away at set intervals all night long, +just to make the enemy uncomfortable and break him of his rest.</p> +<p>For us there was no rest. Foot by foot we moved through the +dusky fields, we knew not whither. There were men all about us, but +no camp-fires; to have made a blaze would have been madness. The +men were of strange regiments; they mentioned the names of unknown +generals. They gathered in groups by the wayside, asking eagerly +our numbers. They recounted the depressing incidents of the day. A +thoughtful officer shut their mouths with a sharp word as he +passed; a wise one coming after encouraged them to repeat their +doleful tale all along the line.</p> +<p>Hidden in hollows and behind clumps of rank brambles were large +tents, dimly lighted with candles, but looking comfortable. The +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page247" name="page247"></a>[pg +247]</span>kind of comfort they supplied was indicated by pairs of +men entering and reappearing, bearing litters; by low moans from +within and by long rows of dead with covered faces outside. These +tents were constantly receiving the wounded, yet were never full; +they were continually ejecting the dead, yet were never empty. It +was as if the helpless had been carried in and murdered, that they +might not hamper those whose business it was to fall to-morrow.</p> +<p>The night was now black-dark; as is usual after a battle, it had +begun to rain. Still we moved; we were being put into position by +somebody. Inch by inch we crept along, treading on one +another’s heels by way of keeping together. Commands were +passed along the line in whispers; more commonly none were given. +When the men had pressed so closely together that they could +advance no farther they stood stock-still, sheltering the locks of +their rifles with their ponchos. In this position many fell asleep. +When those in front suddenly stepped away those in the rear, roused +by the tramping, hastened after with such zeal that the line was +soon choked again. Evidently the head of the division was being +piloted at a snail’s pace by some one who did <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page248" name="page248"></a>[pg 248]</span>not +feel sure of his ground. Very often we struck our feet against the +dead; more frequently against those who still had spirit enough to +resent it with a moan. These were lifted carefully to one side and +abandoned. Some had sense enough to ask in their weak way for +water. Absurd! Their clothes were soaken, their hair dank; their +white faces, dimly discernible, were clammy and cold. Besides, none +of us had any water. There was plenty coming, though, for before +midnight a thunderstorm broke upon us with great violence. The +rain, which had for hours been a dull drizzle, fell with a +copiousness that stifled us; we moved in running water up to our +ankles. Happily, we were in a forest of great trees heavily +“decorated” with Spanish moss, or with an enemy +standing to his guns the disclosures of the lightning might have +been inconvenient. As it was, the incessant blaze enabled us to +consult our watches and encouraged us by displaying our numbers; +our black, sinuous line, creeping like a giant serpent beneath the +trees, was apparently interminable. I am almost ashamed to say how +sweet I found the companionship of those coarse men.</p> +<p>So the long night wore away, and as the glimmer of morning crept +in through the forest <span class="pagenum"><a id="page249" name= +"page249"></a>[pg 249]</span>we found ourselves in a more open +country. But where? Not a sign of battle was here. The trees were +neither splintered nor scarred, the underbrush was unmown, the +ground had no footprints but our own. It was as if we had broken +into glades sacred to eternal silence. I should not have been +surprised to see sleek leopards come fawning about our feet, and +milk-white deer confront us with human eyes.</p> +<p>A few inaudible commands from an invisible leader had placed us +in order of battle. But where was the enemy? Where, too, were the +riddled regiments that we had come to save? Had our other divisions +arrived during the night and passed the river to assist us? or were +we to oppose our paltry five thousand breasts to an army flushed +with victory? What protected our right? Who lay upon our left? Was +there really anything in our front?</p> +<p>There came, borne to us on the raw morning air, the long, weird +note of a bugle. It was directly before us. It rose with a low, +clear, deliberate warble, and seemed to float in the gray sky like +the note of a lark. The bugle calls of the Federal and the +Confederate armies were the same: it was the +“assembly”! As it died away I observed that the +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page250" name="page250"></a>[pg +250]</span>atmosphere had suffered a change; despite the +equilibrium established by the storm, it was electric. Wings were +growing on blistered feet. Bruised muscles and jolted bones, +shoulders pounded by the cruel knapsack, eyelids leaden from lack +of sleep—all were pervaded by the subtle fluid, all were +unconscious of their clay. The men thrust forward their heads, +expanded their eyes and clenched their teeth. They breathed hard, +as if throttled by tugging at the leash. If you had laid your hand +in the beard or hair of one of these men it would have crackled and +shot sparks.</p> +<h4>VI</h4> +<p>I suppose the country lying between Corinth and Pittsburg +Landing could boast a few inhabitants other than alligators. What +manner of people they were it is impossible to say, inasmuch as the +fighting dispersed, or possibly exterminated them; perhaps in +merely classing them as non-saurian I shall describe them with +sufficient particularity and at the same time avert from myself the +natural suspicion attaching to a writer who points out to persons +who do not know him the peculiarities of persons whom he does not +know. One thing, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page251" name= +"page251"></a>[pg 251]</span>however, I hope I may without offense +affirm of these swamp-dwellers—they were pious. To what deity +their veneration was given—whether, like the Egyptians, they +worshiped the crocodile, or, like other Americans, adored +themselves, I do not presume to guess. But whoever, or whatever, +may have been the divinity whose ends they shaped, unto Him, or It, +they had builded a temple. This humble edifice, centrally situated +in the heart of a solitude, and conveniently accessible to the +supersylvan crow, had been christened Shiloh Chapel, whence the +name of the battle. The fact of a Christian church—assuming +it to have been a Christian church—giving name to a wholesale +cutting of Christian throats by Christian hands need not be dwelt +on here; the frequency of its recurrence in the history of our +species has somewhat abated the moral interest that would otherwise +attach to it.</p> +<h4>VII</h4> +<p>Owing to the darkness, the storm and the absence of a road, it +had been impossible to move the artillery from the open ground +about the Landing. The privation was much greater in a moral than +in a material sense. The infantry <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page252" name="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span>soldier feels a +confidence in this cumbrous arm quite unwarranted by its actual +achievements in thinning out the opposition. There is something +that inspires confidence in the way a gun dashes up to the front, +shoving fifty or a hundred men to one side as if it said, +“<em>Permit me!</em>” Then it squares its shoulders, +calmly dislocates a joint in its back, sends away its twenty-four +legs and settles down with a quiet rattle which says as plainly as +possible, “I’ve come to stay.” There is a superb +scorn in its grimly defiant attitude, with its nose in the air; it +appears not so much to threaten the enemy as deride him.</p> +<p>Our batteries were probably toiling after us somewhere; we could +only hope the enemy might delay his attack until they should +arrive. “He may delay his defense if he like,” said a +sententious young officer to whom I had imparted this natural wish. +He had read the signs aright; the words were hardly spoken when a +group of staff officers about the brigade commander shot away in +divergent lines as if scattered by a whirlwind, and galloping each +to the commander of a regiment gave the word. There was a momentary +confusion of tongues, a thin line of skirmishers detached itself +from the compact front and pushed forward, <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page253" name="page253"></a>[pg +253]</span>followed by its diminutive reserves of half a company +each—one of which platoons it was my fortune to command. When +the straggling line of skirmishers had swept four or five hundred +yards ahead, “See,” said one of my comrades, “she +moves!” She did indeed, and in fine style, her front as +straight as a string, her reserve regiments in columns doubled on +the center, following in true subordination; no braying of brass to +apprise the enemy, no fifing and drumming to amuse him; no +ostentation of gaudy flags; no nonsense. This was a matter of +business.</p> +<p>In a few moments we had passed out of the singular oasis that +had so marvelously escaped the desolation of battle, and now the +evidences of the previous day’s struggle were present in +profusion. The ground was tolerably level here, the forest less +dense, mostly clear of undergrowth, and occasionally opening out +into small natural meadows. Here and there were small +pools—mere discs of rainwater with a tinge of blood. Riven +and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded +bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound +interlacing with those below. Large branches had been lopped, and +hung their green heads to the ground, or swung critically +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page254" name="page254"></a>[pg +254]</span>in their netting of vines, as in a hammock. Many had +been cut clean off and their masses of foliage seriously impeded +the progress of the troops. The bark of these trees, from the root +upward to a height of ten or twenty feet, was so thickly pierced +with bullets and grape that one could not have laid a hand on it +without covering several punctures. None had escaped. How the human +body survives a storm like this must be explained by the fact that +it is exposed to it but a few moments at a time, whereas these +grand old trees had had no one to take their places, from the +rising to the going down of the sun. Angular bits of iron, +concavo-convex, sticking in the sides of muddy depressions, showed +where shells had exploded in their furrows. Knapsacks, canteens, +haversacks distended with soaken and swollen biscuits, gaping to +disgorge, blankets beaten into the soil by the rain, rifles with +bent barrels or splintered stocks, waist-belts, hats and the +omnipresent sardine-box—all the wretched debris of the battle +still littered the spongy earth as far as one could see, in every +direction. Dead horses were everywhere; a few disabled caissons, or +limbers, reclining on one elbow, as it were; ammunition wagons +standing disconsolate behind four or six <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page255" name="page255"></a>[pg +255]</span>sprawling mules. Men? There were men enough; all dead, +apparently, except one, who lay near where I had halted my platoon +to await the slower movement of the line—a Federal sergeant, +variously hurt, who had been a fine giant in his time. He lay face +upward, taking in his breath in convulsive, rattling snorts, and +blowing it out in sputters of froth which crawled creamily down his +cheeks, piling itself alongside his neck and ears. A bullet had +clipped a groove in his skull, above the temple; from this the +brain protruded in bosses, dropping off in flakes and strings. I +had not previously known one could get on, even in this +unsatisfactory fashion, with so little brain. One of my men, whom I +knew for a womanish fellow, asked if he should put his bayonet +through him. Inexpressibly shocked by the cold-blooded proposal, I +told him I thought not; it was unusual, and too many were +looking.</p> +<h4>VIII</h4> +<p>It was plain that the enemy had retreated to Corinth. The +arrival of our fresh troops and their successful passage of the +river had disheartened him. Three or four of his gray cavalry +videttes moving amongst the trees on <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page256" name="page256"></a>[pg 256]</span>the crest of a hill in +our front, and galloping out of sight at the crack of our +skirmishers’ rifles, confirmed us in the belief; an army face +to face with its enemy does not employ cavalry to watch its front. +True, they might be a general and his staff. Crowning this rise we +found a level field, a quarter of a mile in width; beyond it a +gentle acclivity, covered with an undergrowth of young oaks, +impervious to sight. We pushed on into the open, but the division +halted at the edge. Having orders to conform to its movements, we +halted too; but that did not suit; we received an intimation to +proceed. I had performed this sort of service before, and in the +exercise of my discretion deployed my platoon, pushing it forward +at a run, with trailed arms, to strengthen the skirmish line, which +I overtook some thirty or forty yards from the wood. Then—I +can’t describe it—the forest seemed all at once to +flame up and disappear with a crash like that of a great wave upon +the beach—a crash that expired in hot hissings, and the +sickening “spat” of lead against flesh. A dozen of my +brave fellows tumbled over like ten-pins. Some struggled to their +feet, only to go down again, and yet again. Those who stood fired +into the smoking brush and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page257" +name="page257"></a>[pg 257]</span>doggedly retired. We had expected +to find, at most, a line of skirmishers similar to our own; it was +with a view to overcoming them by a sudden <em>coup</em> at the +moment of collision that I had thrown forward my little reserve. +What we had found was a line of battle, coolly holding its fire +till it could count our teeth. There was no more to be done but get +back across the open ground, every superficial yard of which was +throwing up its little jet of mud provoked by an impinging bullet. +We got back, most of us, and I shall never forget the ludicrous +incident of a young officer who had taken part in the affair +walking up to his colonel, who had been a calm and apparently +impartial spectator, and gravely reporting: “The enemy is in +force just beyond this field, sir.”</p> +<h4>IX</h4> +<p>In subordination to the design of this narrative, as defined by +its title, the incidents related necessarily group themselves about +my own personality as a center; and, as this center, during the few +terrible hours of the engagement, maintained a variably constant +relation to the open field already mentioned, it is important that +the reader should bear in <span class="pagenum"><a id="page258" +name="page258"></a>[pg 258]</span>mind the topographical and +tactical features of the local situation. The hither side of the +field was occupied by the front of my brigade—a length of two +regiments in line, with proper intervals for field batteries. +During the entire fight the enemy held the slight wooded acclivity +beyond. The debatable ground to the right and left of the open was +broken and thickly wooded for miles, in some places quite +inaccessible to artillery and at very few points offering +opportunities for its successful employment. As a consequence of +this the two sides of the field were soon studded thickly with +confronting guns, which flamed away at one another with amazing +zeal and rather startling effect. Of course, an infantry attack +delivered from either side was not to be thought of when the +covered flanks offered inducements so unquestionably superior; and +I believe the riddled bodies of my poor skirmishers were the only +ones left on this “neutral ground” that day. But there +was a very pretty line of dead continually growing in our rear, and +doubtless the enemy had at his back a similar encouragement.</p> +<p>The configuration of the ground offered us no protection. By +lying flat on our faces between the guns we were screened from view +by a straggling row of brambles, which <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page259" name="page259"></a>[pg 259]</span>marked the course of an +obsolete fence; but the enemy’s grape was sharper than his +eyes, and it was poor consolation to know that his gunners could +not see what they were doing, so long as they did it. The shock of +our own pieces nearly deafened us, but in the brief intervals we +could hear the battle roaring and stammering in the dark reaches of +the forest to the right and left, where our other divisions were +dashing themselves again and again into the smoking jungle. What +would we not have given to join them in their brave, hopeless task! +But to lie inglorious beneath showers of shrapnel darting divergent +from the unassailable sky—meekly to be blown out of life by +level gusts of grape—to clench our teeth and shrink helpless +before big shot pushing noisily through the consenting +air—this was horrible! “Lie down, there!” a +captain would shout, and then get up himself to see that his order +was obeyed. “Captain, take cover, sir!” the +lieutenant-colonel would shriek, pacing up and down in the most +exposed position that he could find.</p> +<p>O those cursed guns!—not the enemy’s, but our own. +Had it not been for them, we might have died like men. They must be +supported, forsooth, the feeble, boasting bullies! It was +impossible to conceive that these pieces <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page260" name="page260"></a>[pg 260]</span>were +doing the enemy as excellent a mischief as his were doing us; they +seemed to raise their “cloud by day” solely to direct +aright the streaming procession of Confederate missiles. They no +longer inspired confidence, but begot apprehension; and it was with +grim satisfaction that I saw the carriage of one and another +smashed into matchwood by a whooping shot and bundled out of the +line.</p> +<h4>X</h4> +<p>The dense forests wholly or partly in which were fought so many +battles of the Civil War, lay upon the earth in each autumn a thick +deposit of dead leaves and stems, the decay of which forms a soil +of surprising depth and richness. In dry weather the upper stratum +is as inflammable as tinder. A fire once kindled in it will spread +with a slow, persistent advance as far as local conditions permit, +leaving a bed of light ashes beneath which the less combustible +accretions of previous years will smolder until extinguished by +rains. In many of the engagements of the war the fallen leaves took +fire and roasted the fallen men. At Shiloh, during the first +day’s fighting, wide tracts of woodland were burned over in +this <span class="pagenum"><a id="page261" name="page261"></a>[pg +261]</span>way and scores of wounded who might have recovered +perished in slow torture. I remember a deep ravine a little to the +left and rear of the field I have described, in which, by some mad +freak of heroic incompetence, a part of an Illinois regiment had +been surrounded, and refusing to surrender was destroyed, as it +very well deserved. My regiment having at last been relieved at the +guns and moved over to the heights above this ravine for no obvious +purpose, I obtained leave to go down into the valley of death and +gratify a reprehensible curiosity.</p> +<p>Forbidding enough it was in every way. The fire had swept every +superficial foot of it, and at every step I sank into ashes to the +ankle. It had contained a thick undergrowth of young saplings, +every one of which had been severed by a bullet, the foliage of the +prostrate tops being afterward burnt and the stumps charred. Death +had put his sickle into this thicket and fire had gleaned the +field. Along a line which was not that of extreme depression, but +was at every point significantly equidistant from the heights on +either hand, lay the bodies, half buried in ashes; some in the +unlovely looseness of attitude denoting sudden death by the bullet, +but by far <span class="pagenum"><a id="page262" name= +"page262"></a>[pg 262]</span>the greater number in postures of +agony that told of the tormenting flame. Their clothing was half +burnt away—their hair and beard entirely; the rain had come +too late to save their nails. Some were swollen to double girth; +others shriveled to manikins. According to degree of exposure, +their faces were bloated and black or yellow and shrunken. The +contraction of muscles which had given them claws for hands had +cursed each countenance with a hideous grin. Faugh! I cannot +catalogue the charms of these gallant gentlemen who had got what +they enlisted for.</p> +<h4>XI</h4> +<p>It was now three o’clock in the afternoon, and raining. +For fifteen hours we had been wet to the skin. Chilled, sleepy, +hungry and disappointed—profoundly disgusted with the +inglorious part to which they had been condemned—the men of +my regiment did everything doggedly. The spirit had gone quite out +of them. Blue sheets of powder smoke, drifting amongst the trees, +settling against the hillsides and beaten into nothingness by the +falling rain, filled the air with their peculiar pungent odor, but +it no longer stimulated. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page263" +name="page263"></a>[pg 263]</span>For miles on either hand could be +heard the hoarse murmur of the battle, breaking out near by with +frightful distinctness, or sinking to a murmur in the distance; and +the one sound aroused no more attention than the other.</p> +<p>We had been placed again in rear of those guns, but even they +and their iron antagonists seemed to have tired of their feud, +pounding away at one another with amiable infrequency. The right of +the regiment extended a little beyond the field. On the +prolongation of the line in that direction were some regiments of +another division, with one in reserve. A third of a mile back lay +the remnant of somebody’s brigade looking to its wounds. The +line of forest bounding this end of the field stretched as straight +as a wall from the right of my regiment to Heaven knows what +regiment of the enemy. There suddenly appeared, marching down along +this wall, not more than two hundred yards in our front, a dozen +files of gray-clad men with rifles on the right shoulder. At an +interval of fifty yards they were followed by perhaps half as many +more; and in fair supporting distance of these stalked with +confident mien a single man! There seemed to me something +indescribably <span class="pagenum"><a id="page264" name= +"page264"></a>[pg 264]</span>ludicrous in the advance of this +handful of men upon an army, albeit with their left flank protected +by a forest. It does not so impress me now. They were the exposed +flanks of three lines of infantry, each half a mile in length. In a +moment our gunners had grappled with the nearest pieces, swung them +half round, and were pouring streams of canister into the invaded +wood. The infantry rose in masses, springing into line. Our +threatened regiments stood like a wall, their loaded rifles at +“ready,” their bayonets hanging quietly in the +scabbards. The right wing of my own regiment was thrown slightly +backward to threaten the flank of the assault. The battered brigade +away to the rear pulled itself together.</p> +<p>Then the storm burst. A great gray cloud seemed to spring out of +the forest into the faces of the waiting battalions. It was +received with a crash that made the very trees turn up their +leaves. For one instant the assailants paused above their dead, +then struggled forward, their bayonets glittering in the eyes that +shone behind the smoke. One moment, and those unmoved men in blue +would be impaled. What were they about? Why did they not fix +bayonets? Were they stunned <span class="pagenum"><a id="page265" +name="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span>by their own volley? Their +inaction was maddening! Another tremendous crash!—the rear +rank had fired! Humanity, thank Heaven! is not made for this, and +the shattered gray mass drew back a score of paces, opening a +feeble fire. Lead had scored its old-time victory over steel; the +heroic had broken its great heart against the commonplace. There +are those who say that it is sometimes otherwise.</p> +<p>All this had taken but a minute of time, and now the second +Confederate line swept down and poured in its fire. The line of +blue staggered and gave way; in those two terrific volleys it +seemed to have quite poured out its spirit. To this deadly work our +reserve regiment now came up with a run. It was surprising to see +it spitting fire with never a sound, for such was the infernal din +that the ear could take in no more. This fearful scene was enacted +within fifty paces of our toes, but we were rooted to the ground as +if we had grown there. But now our commanding officer rode from +behind us to the front, waved his hand with the courteous gesture +that says <em>apres vous</em>, and with a barely audible cheer we +sprang into the fight. Again the smoking front of gray receded, and +again, as the enemy’s <span class="pagenum"><a id="page266" +name="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span>third line emerged from its leafy +covert, it pushed forward across the piles of dead and wounded to +threaten with protruded steel. Never was seen so striking a proof +of the paramount importance of numbers. Within an area of three +hundred yards by fifty there struggled for front places no fewer +than six regiments; and the accession of each, after the first +collision, had it not been immediately counterpoised, would have +turned the scale.</p> +<p>As matters stood, we were now very evenly matched, and how long +we might have held out God only knows. But all at once something +appeared to have gone wrong with the enemy’s left; our men +had somewhere pierced his line. A moment later his whole front gave +way, and springing forward with fixed bayonets we pushed him in +utter confusion back to his original line. Here, among the tents +from which Grant’s people had been expelled the day before, +our broken and disordered regiments inextricably intermingled, and +drunken with the wine of triumph, dashed confidently against a pair +of trim battalions, provoking a tempest of hissing lead that made +us stagger under its very weight. The sharp onset of another +against our flank sent us whirling back with fire at our heels and +fresh <span class="pagenum"><a id="page267" name="page267"></a>[pg +267]</span>foes in merciless pursuit—who in their turn were +broken upon the front of the invalided brigade previously +mentioned, which had moved up from the rear to assist in this +lively work.</p> +<p>As we rallied to reform behind our beloved guns and noted the +ridiculous brevity of our line—as we sank from sheer fatigue, +and tried to moderate the terrific thumping of our hearts—as +we caught our breath to ask who had seen such-and-such a comrade, +and laughed hysterically at the reply—there swept past us and +over us into the open field a long regiment with fixed bayonets and +rifles on the right shoulder. Another followed, and another; +two—three—four! Heavens! where do all these men come +from, and why did they not come before? How grandly and confidently +they go sweeping on like long blue waves of ocean chasing one +another to the cruel rocks! Involuntarily we draw in our weary feet +beneath us as we sit, ready to spring up and interpose our breasts +when these gallant lines shall come back to us across the terrible +field, and sift brokenly through among the trees with spouting +fires at their backs. We still our breathing to catch the full +grandeur of the volleys that are to tear them to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page268" name="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span>shreds. +Minute after minute passes and the sound does not come. Then for +the first time we note that the silence of the whole region is not +comparative, but absolute. Have we become stone deaf? See; here +comes a stretcher-bearer, and there a surgeon! Good heavens! a +chaplain!</p> +<p>The battle was indeed at an end.</p> +<h4>XII</h4> +<p>And this was, O so long ago! How they come back to +me—dimly and brokenly, but with what a magic +spell—those years of youth when I was soldiering! Again I +hear the far warble of blown bugles. Again I see the tall, blue +smoke of camp-fires ascending from the dim valleys of Wonderland. +There steals upon my sense the ghost of an odor from pines that +canopy the ambuscade. I feel upon my cheek the morning mist that +shrouds the hostile camp unaware of its doom, and my blood stirs at +the ringing rifle-shot of the solitary sentinel. Unfamiliar +landscapes, glittering with sunshine or sullen with rain, come to +me demanding recognition, pass, vanish and give place to others. +Here in the night stretches a wide and blasted field studded with +half-extinct <span class="pagenum"><a id="page269" name= +"page269"></a>[pg 269]</span>fires burning redly with I know not +what presage of evil. Again I shudder as I note its desolation and +its awful silence. Where was it? To what monstrous inharmony of +death was it the visible prelude?</p> +<p>O days when all the world was beautiful and strange; when +unfamiliar constellations burned in the Southern midnights, and the +mocking-bird poured out his heart in the moon-gilded magnolia; when +there was something new under a new sun; will your fine, far +memories ever cease to lay contrasting pictures athwart the harsher +features of this later world, accentuating the ugliness of the +longer and tamer life? Is it not strange that the phantoms of a +blood-stained period have so airy a grace and look with so tender +eyes?—that I recall with difficulty the danger and death and +horrors of the time, and without effort all that was gracious and +picturesque? Ah, Youth, there is no such wizard as thou! Give me +but one touch of thine artist hand upon the dull canvas of the +Present; gild for but one moment the drear and somber scenes of +to-day, and I will willingly surrender an other life than the one +that I should have thrown away at Shiloh.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page270" name="page270"></a>[pg +270]</span></p> +<h3><a id="chickamauga" name="chickamauga">A Little of +Chickamauga</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The history of that awful struggle is well known—I have +not the intention to record it here, but only to relate some part +of what I saw of it; my purpose not instruction, but +entertainment.</p> +<p>I was an officer of the staff of a Federal brigade. Chickamauga +was not my first battle by many, for although hardly more than a +boy in years, I had served at the front from the beginning of the +trouble, and had seen enough of war to give me a fair understanding +of it. We knew well enough that there was to be a fight: the fact +that we did not want one would have told us that, for Bragg always +retired when we wanted to fight and fought when we most desired +peace. We had manoeuvred him out of Chattanooga, but had not +manoeuvred our entire army into it, and he fell back so sullenly +that those of us who followed, keeping him actually in sight, were +a good deal more concerned about effecting a junction with the rest +of our army than to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page271" name= +"page271"></a>[pg 271]</span>push the pursuit. By the time that +Rosecrans had got his three scattered corps together we were a long +way from Chattanooga, with our line of communication with it so +exposed that Bragg turned to seize it. Chickamauga was a fight for +possession of a road.</p> +<p>Back along this road raced Crittenden’s corps, with those +of Thomas and McCook, which had not before traversed it. The whole +army was moving by its left.</p> +<p>There was sharp fighting all along and all day, for the forest +was so dense that the hostile lines came almost into contact before +fighting was possible. One instance was particularly horrible. +After some hours of close engagement my brigade, with foul pieces +and exhausted cartridge boxes, was relieved and withdrawn to the +road to protect several batteries of artillery—probably two +dozen pieces—which commanded an open field in the rear of our +line. Before our weary and virtually disarmed men had actually +reached the guns the line in front gave way, fell back behind the +guns and went on, the Lord knows whither. A moment later the field +was gray with Confederates in pursuit. Then the guns opened fire +with grape and canister and for perhaps five minutes—it +seemed an hour—nothing <span class="pagenum"><a id="page272" +name="page272"></a>[pg 272]</span>could be heard but the infernal +din of their discharge and nothing seen through the smoke but a +great ascension of dust from the smitten soil. When all was over, +and the dust cloud had lifted, the spectacle was too dreadful to +describe. The Confederates were still there—all of them, it +seemed—some almost under the muzzles of the guns. But not a +man of all these brave fellows was on his feet, and so thickly were +all covered with dust that they looked as if they had been +reclothed in yellow.</p> +<p>“We bury our dead,” said a gunner, grimly, though +doubtless all were afterward dug out, for some were partly +alive.</p> +<p>To a “day of danger” succeeded a “night of +waking.” The enemy, everywhere held back from the road, +continued to stretch his line northward in the hope to overlap us +and put himself between us and Chattanooga. We neither saw nor +heard his movement, but any man with half a head would have known +that he was making it, and we met it by a parallel movement to our +left. By morning we had edged along a good way and thrown up rude +intrenchments at a little distance from the road, on the threatened +side. The day was not very far advanced when we were attacked +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page273" name="page273"></a>[pg +273]</span>furiously all along the line, beginning at the left. +When repulsed, the enemy came again and again—his persistence +was dispiriting. He seemed to be using against us the law of +probabilities: of so many efforts one would eventually succeed.</p> +<p>One did, and it was my luck to see it win. I had been sent by my +chief, General Hazen, to order up some artillery ammunition and +rode away to the right and rear in search of it. Finding an +ordnance train I obtained from the officer in charge a few wagons +loaded with what I wanted, but he seemed in doubt as to our +occupancy of the region across which I proposed to guide them. +Although assured that I had just traversed it, and that it lay +immediately behind Wood’s division, he insisted on riding to +the top of the ridge behind which his train lay and overlooking the +ground. We did so, when to my astonishment I saw the entire country +in front swarming with Confederates; the very earth seemed to be +moving toward us! They came on in thousands, and so rapidly that we +had barely time to turn tail and gallop down the hill and away, +leaving them in possession of the train, many of the wagons being +upset by frantic efforts to put them about. By what miracle that +officer <span class="pagenum"><a id="page274" name= +"page274"></a>[pg 274]</span>had sensed the situation I did not +learn, for we parted company then and there and I never again saw +him.</p> +<p>By a misunderstanding Wood’s division had been withdrawn +from our line of battle just as the enemy was making an assault. +Through the gap of half a mile the Confederates charged without +opposition, cutting our army clean in two. The right divisions were +broken up and with General Rosecrans in their midst fled how they +could across the country, eventually bringing up in Chattanooga, +whence Rosecrans telegraphed to Washington the destruction of the +rest of his army. The rest of his army was standing its ground.</p> +<p>A good deal of nonsense used to be talked about the heroism of +General Garfield, who, caught in the rout of the right, +nevertheless went back and joined the undefeated left under General +Thomas. There was no great heroism in it; that is what every man +should have done, including the commander of the army. We could +hear Thomas’s guns going—those of us who had ears for +them—and all that was needful was to make a sufficiently wide +detour and then move toward the sound. I did so myself, and have +never felt that it <span class="pagenum"><a id="page275" name= +"page275"></a>[pg 275]</span>ought to make me President. Moreover, +on my way I met General Negley, and my duties as topographical +engineer having given me some knowledge of the lay of the land +offered to pilot him back to glory or the grave. I am sorry to say +my good offices were rejected a little uncivilly, which I +charitably attributed to the general’s obvious absence of +mind. His mind, I think, was in Nashville, behind a breastwork.</p> +<p>Unable to find my brigade, I reported to General Thomas, who +directed me to remain with him. He had assumed command of all the +forces still intact and was pretty closely beset. The battle was +fierce and continuous, the enemy extending his lines farther and +farther around our right, toward our line of retreat. We could not +meet the extension otherwise than by “refusing” our +right flank and letting him inclose us; which but for gallant +Gordon Granger he would inevitably have done.</p> +<p>This was the way of it. Looking across the fields in our rear +(rather longingly) I had the happy distinction of a discoverer. +What I saw was the shimmer of sunlight on metal: lines of troops +were coming in behind us! The distance was too great, the +atmosphere <span class="pagenum"><a id="page276" name= +"page276"></a>[pg 276]</span>too hazy to distinguish the color of +their uniform, even with a glass. Reporting my momentous +“find” I was directed by the general to go and see who +they were. Galloping toward them until near enough to see that they +were of our kidney I hastened back with the glad tidings and was +sent again, to guide them to the general’s position.</p> +<p>It was General Granger with two strong brigades of the reserve, +moving soldier-like toward the sound of heavy firing. Meeting him +and his staff I directed him to Thomas, and unable to think of +anything better to do decided to go visiting. I knew I had a +brother in that gang—an officer of an Ohio battery. I soon +found him near the head of a column, and as we moved forward we had +a comfortable chat amongst such of the enemy’s bullets as had +inconsiderately been fired too high. The incident was a trifle +marred by one of them unhorsing another officer of the battery, +whom we propped against a tree and left. A few moments later +Granger’s force was put in on the right and the fighting was +terrific!</p> +<p>By accident I now found Hazen’s brigade—or what +remained of it—which had made a half-mile march to add itself +to the unrouted at the memorable Snodgrass Hill. Hazen’s +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page277" name="page277"></a>[pg +277]</span>first remark to me was an inquiry about that artillery +ammunition that he had sent me for.</p> +<p>It was needed badly enough, as were other kinds: for the last +hour or two of that interminable day Granger’s were the only +men that had enough ammunition to make a five minutes’ fight. +Had the Confederates made one more general attack we should have +had to meet them with the bayonet alone. I don’t know why +they did not; probably they were short of ammunition. I know, +though, that while the sun was taking its own time to set we lived +through the agony of at least one death each, waiting for them to +come on.</p> +<p>At last it grew too dark to fight. Then away to our left and +rear some of Bragg’s people set up “the rebel +yell.” It was taken up successively and passed round to our +front, along our right and in behind us again, until it seemed +almost to have got to the point whence it started. It was the +ugliest sound that any mortal ever heard—even a mortal +exhausted and unnerved by two days of hard fighting, without sleep, +without rest, without food and without hope. There was, however, a +space somewhere at the back of us across which that horrible yell +did not prolong itself; <span class="pagenum"><a id="page278" name= +"page278"></a>[pg 278]</span>and through that we finally retired in +profound silence and dejection, unmolested.</p> +<p>To those of us who have survived the attacks of both Bragg and +Time, and who keep in memory the dear dead comrades whom we left +upon that fateful field, the place means much. May it mean +something less to the younger men whose tents are now pitched +where, with bended heads and clasped hands, God’s great +angels stood invisible among the heroes in blue and the heroes in +gray, sleeping their last sleep in the woods of Chickamauga.</p> +<p><em>1898</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page279" name="page279"></a>[pg +279]</span></p> +<h3><a id="picketts" name="picketts">The Crime at Pickett’s +Mill</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is a class of events which by their very nature, and +despite any intrinsic interest that they may possess, are +foredoomed to oblivion. They are merged in the general story of +those greater events of which they were a part, as the thunder of a +billow breaking on a distant beach is unnoted in the continuous +roar. To how many having knowledge of the battles of our Civil War +does the name Pickett’s Mill suggest acts of heroism and +devotion performed in scenes of awful carnage to accomplish the +impossible? Buried in the official reports of the victors there are +indeed imperfect accounts of the engagement: the vanquished have +not thought it expedient to relate it. It is ignored by General +Sherman in his memoirs, yet Sherman ordered it. General Howard +wrote an account of the campaign of which it was an incident, and +dismissed it in a single sentence; yet General Howard planned it, +and it was fought as an isolated and independent action under his +eye. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page280" name="page280"></a>[pg +280]</span>Whether it was so trifling an affair as to justify this +inattention let the reader judge.</p> +<p>The fight occurred on the 27th of May, 1864, while the armies of +Generals Sherman and Johnston confronted each other near Dallas, +Georgia, during the memorable “Atlanta campaign.” For +three weeks we had been pushing the Confederates southward, partly +by manoeuvring, partly by fighting, out of Dalton, out of Resaca, +through Adairsville, Kingston and Cassville. Each army offered +battle everywhere, but would accept it only on its own terms. At +Dallas Johnston made another stand and Sherman, facing the hostile +line, began his customary manoeuvring for an advantage. General +Wood’s division of Howard’s corps occupied a position +opposite the Confederate right. Johnston finding himself on the +26th overlapped by Schofield, still farther to Wood’s left, +retired his right (Polk) across a creek, whither we followed him +into the woods with a deal of desultory bickering, and at nightfall +had established the new lines at nearly a right angle with the +old—Schofield reaching well around and threatening the +Confederate rear.</p> +<p>The civilian reader must not suppose when he reads accounts of +military operations in <span class="pagenum"><a id="page281" name= +"page281"></a>[pg 281]</span>which relative positions of the forces +are defined, as in the foregoing passages, that these were matters +of general knowledge to those engaged. Such statements are commonly +made, even by those high in command, in the light of later +disclosures, such as the enemy’s official reports. It is +seldom, indeed, that a subordinate officer knows anything about the +disposition of the enemy’s forces—except that it is +unaimable—or precisely whom he is fighting. As to the rank +and file, they can know nothing more of the matter than the arms +they carry. They hardly know what troops are upon their own right +or left the length of a regiment away. If it is a cloudy day they +are ignorant even of the points of the compass. It may be said, +generally, that a soldier’s knowledge of what is going on +about him is coterminous with his official relation to it and his +personal connection with it; what is going on in front of him he +does not know at all until he learns it afterward.</p> +<p>At nine o’clock on the morning of the 27th Wood’s +division was withdrawn and replaced by Stanley’s. Supported +by Johnson’s division, it moved at ten o’clock to the +left, in the rear of Schofield, a distance of four miles through a +forest, and at two o’clock in <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page282" name="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span>the afternoon had +reached a position where General Howard believed himself free to +move in behind the enemy’s forces and attack them in the +rear, or at least, striking them in the flank, crush his way along +their line in the direction of its length, throw them into +confusion and prepare an easy victory for a supporting attack in +front. In selecting General Howard for this bold adventure General +Sherman was doubtless not unmindful of Chancellorsville, where +Stonewall Jackson had executed a similar manoeuvre for +Howard’s instruction. Experience is a normal school: it +teaches how to teach.</p> +<p>There are some differences to be noted. At Chancellorsville it +was Jackson who attacked; at Pickett’s Mill, Howard. At +Chancellorsville it was Howard who was assailed; at Pickett’s +Mill, Hood. The significance of the first distinction is doubled by +that of the second.</p> +<p>The attack, it was understood, was to be made in column of +brigades, Hazen’s brigade of Wood’s division leading. +That such was at least Hazen’s understanding I learned from +his own lips during the movement, as I was an officer of his staff. +But after a march of less than a mile an hour and a further delay +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page283" name="page283"></a>[pg +283]</span>of three hours at the end of it to acquaint the enemy of +our intention to surprise him, our single shrunken brigade of +fifteen hundred men was sent forward without support to double up +the army of General Johnston. “We will put in Hazen and see +what success he has.” In these words of General Wood to +General Howard we were first apprised of the true nature of the +distinction about to be conferred upon us.</p> +<p>General W.B. Hazen, a born fighter, an educated soldier, after +the war Chief Signal Officer of the Army and now long dead, was the +best hated man that I ever knew, and his very memory is a terror to +every unworthy soul in the service. His was a stormy life: he was +in trouble all round. Grant, Sherman, Sheridan and a countless +multitude of the less eminent luckless had the misfortune, at one +time and another, to incur his disfavor, and he tried to punish +them all. He was always—after the war—the central +figure of a court-martial or a Congressional inquiry, was accused +of everything, from stealing to cowardice, was banished to obscure +posts, “jumped on” by the press, traduced in public and +in private, and always emerged triumphant. While Signal Officer, he +went up against the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page284" name= +"page284"></a>[pg 284]</span>Secretary of War and put him to the +controversial sword. He convicted Sheridan of falsehood, Sherman of +barbarism, Grant of inefficiency. He was aggressive, arrogant, +tyrannical, honorable, truthful, courageous—skillful soldier, +a faithful friend and one of the most exasperating of men Duty was +his religion, and like the Moslem he proselyted with the sword. His +missionary efforts were directed chiefly against the spiritual +darkness of his superiors in rank, though he would turn aside from +pursuit of his erring commander to set a chicken-thieving orderly +astride a wooden horse, with a heavy stone attached to each foot. +“Hazen,” said a brother brigadier, “is a synonym +of insubordination.” For my commander and my friend, my +master in the art of war, now unable to answer for himself, let +this fact answer: when he heard Wood say they would put him in and +see what success he would have in defeating an army—when he +saw Howard assent—he uttered never a word, rode to the head +of his feeble brigade and patiently awaited the command to go. Only +by a look which I knew how to read did he betray his sense of the +criminal blunder.</p> +<p>The enemy had now had seven hours in <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page285" name="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>which +to learn of the movement and prepare to meet it. General Johnston +says:</p> +<p>“The Federal troops extended their intrenched line [we did +not intrench] so rapidly to their left that it was found necessary +to transfer Cleburne’s division to Hardee’s corps to +our right, where it was formed on the prolongation of Polk’s +line.”</p> +<p>General Hood, commanding the enemy’s right corps, +says:</p> +<p>“On the morning of the 27th the enemy were known to be +rapidly extending their left, attempting to turn my right as they +extended. Cleburne was deployed to meet them, and at half-past five +P.M. a very stubborn attack was made on this division, extending to +the right, where Major-General Wheeler with his cavalry division +was engaging them. The assault was continued with great +determination upon both Cleburne and Wheeler.”</p> +<p>That, then, was the situation: a weak brigade of fifteen hundred +men, with masses of idle troops behind in the character of +audience, waiting for the word to march a quarter-mile up hill +through almost impassable tangles of underwood, along and across +precipitous ravines, and attack breastworks constructed at leisure +and manned with two divisions <span class="pagenum"><a id="page286" +name="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span>of troops as good as themselves. +True, we did not know all this, but if any man on that ground +besides Wood and Howard expected a “walkover” his must +have been a singularly hopeful disposition. As topographical +engineer it had been my duty to make a hasty examination of the +ground in front. In doing so I had pushed far enough forward +through the forest to hear distinctly the murmur of the enemy +awaiting us, and this had been duly reported; but from our lines +nothing could be heard but the wind among the trees and the songs +of birds. Some one said it was a pity to frighten them, but there +would necessarily be more or less noise. We laughed at that: men +awaiting death on the battlefield laugh easily, though not +infectiously.</p> +<p>The brigade was formed in four battalions, two in front and two +in rear. This gave us a front of about two hundred yards. The right +front battalion was commanded by Colonel R.L. Kimberly of the 41st +Ohio, the left by Colonel O.H. Payne of the 124th Ohio, the rear +battalions by Colonel J.C. Foy, 23d Kentucky, and Colonel W.W. +Berry, 5th Kentucky—all brave and skillful officers, tested +by experience on many fields. The <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page287" name="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>whole command (known as +the Second Brigade, Third Division, Fourth Corps) consisted of no +fewer than nine regiments, reduced by long service to an average of +less than two hundred men each. With full ranks and only the +necessary details for special duty we should have had some eight +thousand rifles in line.</p> +<p>We moved forward. In less than one minute the trim battalions +had become simply a swarm of men struggling through the undergrowth +of the forest, pushing and crowding. The front was irregularly +serrated, the strongest and bravest in advance, the others +following in fan-like formations, variable and inconstant, ever +defining themselves anew. For the first two hundred yards our +course lay along the left bank of a small creek in a deep ravine, +our left battalions sweeping along its steep slope. Then we came to +the fork of the ravine. A part of us crossed below, the rest above, +passing over both branches, the regiments inextricably +intermingled, rendering all military formation impossible. The +color-bearers kept well to the front with their flags, closely +furled, aslant backward over their shoulders. Displayed, they would +have been torn to rags by the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page288" +name="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span>boughs of the trees. Horses were +all sent to the rear; the general and staff and all the field +officers toiled along on foot as best they could. “We shall +halt and form when we get out of this,” said an +aide-de-camp.</p> +<p>Suddenly there were a ringing rattle of musketry, the familiar +hissing of bullets, and before us the interspaces of the forest +were all blue with smoke. Hoarse, fierce yells broke out of a +thousand throats. The forward fringe of brave and hardy assailants +was arrested in its mutable extensions; the edge of our swarm grew +dense and clearly defined as the foremost halted, and the rest +pressed forward to align themselves beside them, all firing. The +uproar was deafening; the air was sibilant with streams and sheets +of missiles. In the steady, unvarying roar of small-arms the +frequent shock of the cannon was rather felt than heard, but the +gusts of grape which they blew into that populous wood were audible +enough, screaming among the trees and cracking against their stems +and branches. We had, of course, no artillery to reply.</p> +<p>Our brave color-bearers were now all in the forefront of battle +in the open, for the enemy had cleared a space in front of his +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page289" name="page289"></a>[pg +289]</span>breastworks. They held the colors erect, shook out their +glories, waved them forward and back to keep them spread, for there +was no wind. From where I stood, at the right of the line—we +had “halted and formed,” indeed—I could see six +of our flags at one time. Occasionally one would go down, only to +be instantly lifted by other hands.</p> +<p>I must here quote again from General Johnston’s account of +this engagement, for nothing could more truly indicate the resolute +nature of the attack than the Confederate belief that it was made +by the whole Fourth Corps, instead of one weak brigade:</p> +<p>“The Fourth Corps came on in deep order and assailed the +Texans with great vigor, receiving their close and accurate fire +with the fortitude always exhibited by General Sherman’s +troops in the actions of this campaign…. The Federal troops +approached within a few yards of the Confederates, but at last were +forced to give way by their storm of well-directed bullets, and +fell back to the shelter of a hollow near and behind them. They +left hundreds of corpses within twenty paces of the Confederate +line. When the United States troops paused in their advance within +fifteen paces of the Texan front rank <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page290" name="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span>one of their +color-bearers planted his colors eight or ten feet in front of his +regiment, and was instantly shot dead. A soldier sprang forward to +his place and fell also as he grasped the color-staff. A second and +third followed successively, and each received death as speedily as +his predecessors. A fourth, however, seized and bore back the +object of soldierly devotion.”</p> +<p>Such incidents have occurred in battle from time to time since +men began to venerate the symbols of their cause, but they are not +commonly related by the enemy. If General Johnston had known that +his veteran divisions were throwing their successive lines against +fewer than fifteen hundred men his glowing tribute to his +enemy’s valor could hardly have been more generously +expressed. I can attest the truth of his soldierly praise: I saw +the occurrence that he relates and regret that I am unable to +recall even the name of the regiment whose colors were so gallantly +saved.</p> +<p>Early in my military experience I used to ask myself how it was +that brave troops could retreat while still their courage was high. +As long as a man is not disabled he can go forward; can it be +anything but fear that makes him stop and finally retire? Are there +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page291" name="page291"></a>[pg +291]</span>signs by which he can infallibly know the struggle to be +hopeless? In this engagement, as in others, my doubts were answered +as to the fact; the explanation is still obscure. In many instances +which have come under my observation, when hostile lines of +infantry engage at close range and the assailants afterward retire, +there was a “dead-line” beyond which no man advanced +but to fall. Not a soul of them ever reached the enemy’s +front to be bayoneted or captured. It was a matter of the +difference of three or four paces—too small a distance to +affect the accuracy of aim. In these affairs no aim is taken at +individual antagonists; the soldier delivers his fire at the +thickest mass in his front. The fire is, of course, as deadly at +twenty paces as at fifteen; at fifteen as at ten. Nevertheless, +there is the “dead-line,” with its well-defined edge of +corpses—those of the bravest. Where both lines are fighting +without cover—as in a charge met by a +counter-charge—each has its “dead-line,” and +between the two is a clear space—neutral ground, devoid of +dead, for the living cannot reach it to fall there.</p> +<p>I observed this phenomenon at Pickett’s Mill. Standing at +the right of the line I had an unobstructed view of the narrow, +open <span class="pagenum"><a id="page292" name="page292"></a>[pg +292]</span>space across which the two lines fought. It was dim with +smoke, but not greatly obscured: the smoke rose and spread in +sheets among the branches of the trees. Most of our men fought +kneeling as they fired, many of them behind trees, stones and +whatever cover they could get, but there were considerable groups +that stood. Occasionally one of these groups, which had endured the +storm of missiles for moments without perceptible reduction, would +push forward, moved by a common despair, and wholly detach itself +from the line. In a second every man of the group would be down. +There had been no visible movement of the enemy, no audible change +in the awful, even roar of the firing—yet all were down. +Frequently the dim figure of an individual soldier would be seen to +spring away from his comrades, advancing alone toward that fateful +interspace, with leveled bayonet. He got no farther than the +farthest of his predecessors. Of the “hundreds of corpses +within twenty paces of the Confederate line,” I venture to +say that a third were within fifteen paces, and not one within +ten.</p> +<p>It is the perception—perhaps unconscious—of this +inexplicable phenomenon that causes the still unharmed, still +vigorous and still <span class="pagenum"><a id="page293" name= +"page293"></a>[pg 293]</span>courageous soldier to retire without +having come into actual contact with his foe. He sees, or feels, +that he <em>cannot</em>. His bayonet is a useless weapon for +slaughter; its purpose is a moral one. Its mandate exhausted, he +sheathes it and trusts to the bullet. That failing, he retreats. He +has done all that he could do with such appliances as he has.</p> +<p>No command to fall back was given, none could have been heard. +Man by man, the survivors withdrew at will, sifting through the +trees into the cover of the ravines, among the wounded who could +drag themselves back; among the skulkers whom nothing could have +dragged forward. The left of our short line had fought at the +corner of a cornfield, the fence along the right side of which was +parallel to the direction of our retreat. As the disorganized +groups fell back along this fence on the wooded side, they were +attacked by a flanking force of the enemy moving through the field +in a direction nearly parallel with what had been our front. This +force, I infer from General Johnston’s account, consisted of +the brigade of General Lowry, or two Arkansas regiments under +Colonel Baucum. I had been sent by General Hazen to that point and +arrived in time to witness this formidable <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page294" name="page294"></a>[pg +294]</span>movement. But already our retreating men, in obedience +to their officers, their courage and their instinct of +self-preservation, had formed along the fence and opened fire. The +apparently slight advantage of the imperfect cover and the open +range worked its customary miracle: the assault, a singularly +spiritless one, considering the advantages it promised and that it +was made by an organized and victorious force against a broken and +retreating one, was checked. The assailants actually retired, and +if they afterward renewed the movement they encountered none but +our dead and wounded.</p> +<p>The battle, as a battle, was at an end, but there was still some +slaughtering that it was possible to incur before nightfall; and as +the wreck of our brigade drifted back through the forest we met the +brigade (Gibson’s) which, had the attack been made in column, +as it should have been, would have been but five minutes behind our +heels, with another five minutes behind its own. As it was, just +forty-five minutes had elapsed, during which the enemy had +destroyed us and was now ready to perform the same kindly office +for our successors. Neither Gibson nor the brigade which was sent +to his “relief” as tardily as <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page295" name="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span>he to +ours accomplished, or could have hoped to accomplish, anything +whatever. I did not note their movements, having other duties, but +Hazen in his “Narrative of Military Service” says:</p> +<p>“I witnessed the attack of the two brigades following my +own, and none of these (troops) advanced nearer than one hundred +yards of the enemy’s works. They went in at a run, and as +organizations were broken in less than a minute.”</p> +<p>Nevertheless their losses were considerable, including several +hundred prisoners taken from a sheltered place whence they did not +care to rise and run. The entire loss was about fourteen hundred +men, of whom nearly one-half fell killed and wounded in +Hazen’s brigade in less than thirty minutes of actual +fighting.</p> +<p>General Johnston says:</p> +<p>“The Federal dead lying near our line were counted by many +persons, officers and soldiers. According to these counts there +were seven hundred of them.”</p> +<p>This is obviously erroneous, though I have not the means at hand +to ascertain the true number. I remember that we were all +astonished at the uncommonly large proportion of <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page296" name="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span>dead to +wounded—a consequence of the uncommonly close range at which +most of the fighting was done.</p> +<p>The action took its name from a water-power mill near by. This +was on a branch of a stream having, I am sorry to say, the prosaic +name of Pumpkin Vine Creek. I have my own reasons for suggesting +that the name of that water-course be altered to Sunday-School +Run.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page297" name="page297"></a>[pg +297]</span></p> +<h3><a id="dixie" name="dixie">Four Days in Dixie</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>During a part of the month of October, 1864, the Federal and +Confederate armies of Sherman and Hood respectively, having +performed a surprising and resultless series of marches and +countermarches since the fall of Atlanta, confronted each other +along the separating line of the Coosa River in the vicinity of +Gaylesville, Alabama. Here for several days they remained at +rest—at least most of the infantry and artillery did; what +the cavalry was doing nobody but itself ever knew or greatly cared. +It was an interregnum of expectancy between two régimes of +activity.</p> +<p>I was on the staff of Colonel McConnell, who commanded an +infantry brigade in the absence of its regular commander. McConnell +was a good man, but he did not keep a very tight rein upon the half +dozen restless and reckless young fellows who (for his sins) +constituted his “military family.” In most matters we +followed the trend of our desires, <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page298" name="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span>which commonly ran in +the direction of adventure—it did not greatly matter what +kind. In pursuance of this policy of escapades, one bright Sunday +morning Lieutenant Cobb, an aide-de-camp, and I mounted and set out +to “seek our fortunes,” as the story books have it. +Striking into a road of which we knew nothing except that it led +toward the river, we followed it for a mile or such a matter, when +we found our advance interrupted by a considerable creek, which we +must ford or go back. We consulted a moment and then rode at it as +hard as we could, possibly in the belief that a high momentum would +act as it does in the instance of a skater passing over thin ice. +Cobb was fortunate enough to get across comparatively dry, but his +hapless companion was utterly submerged. The disaster was all the +greater from my having on a resplendent new uniform, of which I had +been pardonably vain. Ah, what a gorgeous new uniform it never was +again!</p> +<p>A half-hour devoted to wringing my clothing and dry-charging my +revolver, and we were away. A brisk canter of a half-hour under the +arches of the trees brought us to the river, where it was our ill +luck to find a boat and three soldiers of our brigade. These +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page299" name="page299"></a>[pg +299]</span>men had been for several hours concealed in the brush +patiently watching the opposite bank in the amiable hope of getting +a shot at some unwary Confederate, but had seen none. For a great +distance up and down the stream on the other side, and for at least +a mile back from it, extended cornfields. Beyond the cornfields, on +slightly higher ground, was a thin forest, with breaks here and +there in its continuity, denoting plantations, probably. No houses +were in sight, and no camps. We knew that it was the enemy’s +ground, but whether his forces were disposed along the slightly +higher country bordering the bottom lands, or at strategic points +miles back, as ours were, we knew no more than the least curious +private in our army. In any case the river line would naturally be +picketed or patrolled. But the charm of the unknown was upon us: +the mysterious exerted its old-time fascination, beckoning to us +from that silent shore so peaceful and dreamy in the beauty of the +quiet Sunday morning. The temptation was strong and we fell. The +soldiers were as eager for the hazard as we, and readily +volunteered for the madmen’s enterprise. Concealing our +horses in a cane-brake, we unmoored the boat and rowed across +unmolested.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page300" name="page300"></a>[pg +300]</span>Arrived at a kind of “landing” on the other +side, our first care was so to secure the boat under the bank as to +favor a hasty re-embarking in case we should be so unfortunate as +to incur the natural consequence of our act; then, following an old +road through the ranks of standing corn, we moved in force upon the +Confederate position, five strong, with an armament of three +Springfield rifles and two Colt’s revolvers. We had not the +further advantage of music and banners. One thing favored the +expedition, giving it an apparent assurance of success: it was well +officered—an officer to each man and a half.</p> +<p>After marching about a mile we came into a neck of woods and +crossed an intersecting road which showed no wheel-tracks, but was +rich in hoof-prints. We observed them and kept right on about our +business, whatever that may have been. A few hundred yards farther +brought us to a plantation bordering our road upon the right. The +fields, as was the Southern fashion at that period of the war, were +uncultivated and overgrown with brambles. A large white house stood +at some little distance from the road; we saw women and children +and a few negroes there. On our left ran the thin forest, pervious +to cavalry. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page301" name= +"page301"></a>[pg 301]</span>Directly ahead an ascent in the road +formed a crest beyond which we could see nothing.</p> +<p>On this crest suddenly appeared two horsemen in gray, sharply +outlined against the sky—men and animals looking gigantic. At +the same instant a jingling and tramping were audible behind us, +and turning in that direction I saw a score of mounted men moving +forward at a trot. In the meantime the giants on the crest had +multiplied surprisingly. Our invasion of the Gulf States had +apparently failed.</p> +<p>There was lively work in the next few seconds. The shots were +thick and fast—and uncommonly loud; none, I think, from our +side. Cobb was on the extreme left of our advance, I on the +right—about two paces apart. He instantly dived into the +wood. The three men and I climbed across the fence somehow and +struck out across the field—actuated, doubtless, by an +intelligent forethought: men on horseback could not immediately +follow. Passing near the house, now swarming like a hive of bees, +we made for a swamp two or three hundred yards away, where I +concealed myself in a jungle, the others continuing—as a +defeated commander <span class="pagenum"><a id="page302" name= +"page302"></a>[pg 302]</span>would put it—to fall back. In my +cover, where I lay panting like a hare, I could hear a deal of +shouting and hard riding and an occasional shot. I heard some one +calling dogs, and the thought of bloodhounds added its fine +suggestiveness to the other fancies appropriate to the +occasion.</p> +<p>Finding myself unpursued after the lapse of what seemed an hour, +but was probably a few minutes, I cautiously sought a place where, +still concealed, I could obtain a view of the field of glory. The +only enemy in sight was a group of horsemen on a hill a quarter of +a mile away. Toward this group a woman was running, followed by the +eyes of everybody about the house. I thought she had discovered my +hiding-place and was going to “give me away.” Taking to +my hands and knees I crept as rapidly as possible among the clumps +of brambles directly back toward the point in the road where we had +met the enemy and failed to make him ours. There I dragged myself +into a patch of briars within ten feet of the road, where I lay +undiscovered during the remainder of the day, listening to a +variety of disparaging remarks upon Yankee valor and to dispiriting +declarations of intention conditional on my capture, as members +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page303" name="page303"></a>[pg +303]</span>of the Opposition passed and repassed and paused in the +road to discuss the morning’s events. In this way I learned +that the three privates had been headed off and caught within ten +minutes. Their destination would naturally be Andersonville; what +further became of them God knows. Their captors passed the day +making a careful canvass of the swamp for me.</p> +<p>When night had fallen I cautiously left my place of concealment, +dodged across the road into the woods and made for the river +through the mile of corn. Such corn! It towered above me like a +forest, shutting out all the starlight except what came from +directly overhead. Many of the ears were a yard out of reach. One +who has never seen an Alabama river-bottom cornfield has not +exhausted nature’s surprises; nor will he know what solitude +is until he explores one in a moonless night.</p> +<p>I came at last to the river bank with its fringe of trees and +willows and canes. My intention was to swim across, but the current +was swift, the water forbiddingly dark and cold. A mist obscured +the other bank. I could not, indeed, see the water more than a few +yards out. It was a hazardous and horrible <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page304" name="page304"></a>[pg +304]</span>undertaking, and I gave it up, following cautiously +along the bank in search of the spot where we had moored the boat. +True, it was hardly likely that the landing was now unguarded, or, +if so, that the boat was still there. Cobb had undoubtedly made for +it, having an even more urgent need than I; but hope springs +eternal in the human breast, and there was a chance that he had +been killed before reaching it. I came at last into the road that +we had taken and consumed half the night in cautiously approaching +the landing, pistol in hand and heart in mouth. The boat was gone! +I continued my journey along the stream—in search of +another.</p> +<p>My clothing was still damp from my morning bath, my teeth +rattled with cold, but I kept on along the stream until I reached +the limit of the cornfields and entered a dense wood. Through this +I groped my way, inch by inch, when, suddenly emerging from a +thicket into a space slightly more open, I came upon a smoldering +camp-fire surrounded by prostrate figures of men, upon one of whom +I had almost trodden. A sentinel, who ought to have been shot, sat +by the embers, his carbine across his lap, his chin upon his +breast. Just beyond was a group of unsaddled <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page305" name="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span>horses. +The men were asleep; the sentinel was asleep; the horses were +asleep. There was something indescribably uncanny about it all. For +a moment I believed them all lifeless, and O’Hara’s +familiar line, “The bivouac of the dead,” quoted itself +in my consciousness. The emotion that I felt was that inspired by a +sense of the supernatural; of the actual and imminent peril of my +position I had no thought. When at last it occurred to me I felt it +as a welcome relief, and stepping silently back into the shadow +retraced my course without having awakened a soul. The vividness +with which I can now recall that scene is to me one of the marvels +of memory.</p> +<p>Getting my bearings again with some difficulty, I now made a +wide detour to the left, in the hope of passing around this outpost +and striking the river beyond. In this mad attempt I ran upon a +more vigilant sentinel, posted in the heart of a thicket, who fired +at me without challenge. To a soldier an unexpected shot ringing +out at dead of night is fraught with an awful significance. In my +circumstances—cut off from my comrades, groping about an +unknown country, surrounded by invisible perils which such a +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page306" name="page306"></a>[pg +306]</span>signal would call into eager activity—the flash +and shock of that firearm were unspeakably dreadful! In any case I +should and ought to have fled, and did so; but how much or little +of conscious prudence there was in the prompting I do not care to +discover by analysis of memory. I went back into the corn, found +the river, followed it back a long way and mounted into the fork of +a low tree. There I perched until the dawn, a most uncomfortable +bird.</p> +<p>In the gray light of the morning I discovered that I was +opposite an island of considerable length, separated from the +mainland by a narrow and shallow channel, which I promptly waded. +The island was low and flat, covered with an almost impenetrable +cane-brake interlaced with vines. Working my way through these to +the other side, I obtained another look at God’s +country—Shermany, so to speak. There were no visible +inhabitants. The forest and the water met. This did not deter me. +For the chill of the water I had no further care, and laying off my +boots and outer clothing I prepared to swim. A strange thing now +occurred—more accurately, a familiar thing occurred at a +strange moment. A black cloud seemed to <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page307" name="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span>pass +before my eyes—the water, the trees, the sky, all vanished in +a profound darkness. I heard the roaring of a great cataract, felt +the earth sinking from beneath my feet. Then I heard and felt no +more.</p> +<p>At the battle of Kennesaw Mountain in the previous June I had +been badly wounded in the head, and for three months was +incapacitated for service. In truth, I had done no actual duty +since, being then, as for many years afterward, subject to fits of +fainting, sometimes without assignable immediate cause, but mostly +when suffering from exposure, excitement or excessive fatigue. This +combination of them all had broken me down—most opportunely, +it would seem.</p> +<p>When I regained my consciousness the sun was high. I was still +giddy and half blind. To have taken to the water would have been +madness; I must have a raft. Exploring my island, I found a pen of +slender logs: an old structure without roof or rafters, built for +what purpose I do not know. Several of these logs I managed with +patient toil to detach and convey to the water, where I floated +them, lashing them together with vines. Just before sunset my raft +was complete and freighted with my outer clothing, boots and +pistol. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page308" name= +"page308"></a>[pg 308]</span>Having shipped the last article, I +returned into the brake, seeking something from which to improvise +a paddle. While peering about I heard a sharp metallic +click—the cocking of a rifle! I was a prisoner.</p> +<p>The history of this great disaster to the Union arms is brief +and simple. A Confederate “home guard,” hearing +something going on upon the island, rode across, concealed his +horse and still-hunted me. And, reader, when you are “held +up” in the same way may it be by as fine a fellow. He not +only spared my life, but even overlooked a feeble and ungrateful +after-attempt upon his own (the particulars of which I shall not +relate), merely exacting my word of honor that I would not again +try to escape while in his custody. Escape! I could not have +escaped a new-born babe.</p> +<p>At my captor’s house that evening there was a reception, +attended by the élite of the whole vicinity. A Yankee +officer in full fig—minus only the boots, which could not be +got on to his swollen feet—was something worth seeing, and +those who came to scoff remained to stare. What most interested +them, I think, was my eating—an entertainment that was +prolonged to a late hour. They were <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page309" name="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span>a trifle disappointed +by the absence of horns, hoof and tail, but bore their chagrin with +good-natured fortitude. Among my visitors was a charming young +woman from the plantation where we had met the foe the day +before—the same lady whom I had suspected of an intention to +reveal my hiding-place. She had had no such design; she had run +over to the group of horsemen to learn if her father had been +hurt—by whom, I should like to know. No restraint was put +upon me; my captor even left me with the women and children and +went off for instructions as to what disposition he should make of +me. Altogether the reception was “a pronounced +success,” though it is to be regretted that the guest of the +evening had the incivility to fall dead asleep in the midst of the +festivities, and was put to bed by sympathetic and, he has reason +to believe, fair hands.</p> +<p>The next morning I was started off to the rear in custody of two +mounted men, heavily armed. They had another prisoner, picked up in +some raid beyond the river. He was a most offensive brute—a +foreigner of some mongrel sort, with just sufficient command of our +tongue to show that he could not control his own. We traveled all +day, meeting occasional <span class="pagenum"><a id="page310" name= +"page310"></a>[pg 310]</span>small bodies of cavalrymen, by whom, +with one exception—a Texan officer—was civilly treated. +My guards said, however, that if we should chance to meet Jeff +Gatewood he would probably take me from them and hang me to the +nearest tree; and once or twice, hearing horsemen approach, they +directed me to stand aside, concealed in the brush, one of them +remaining near by to keep an eye on me, the other going forward +with my fellow-prisoner, for whose neck they seemed to have less +tenderness, and whom I heartily wished well hanged.</p> +<p>Jeff Gatewood was a “guerrilla” chief of local +notoriety, who was a greater terror to his friends than to his +other foes. My guards related almost incredible tales of his +cruelties and infamies. By their account it was into his camp that +I had blundered on Sunday night.</p> +<p>We put up for the night at a farmhouse, having gone not more +than fifteen miles, owing to the condition of my feet. Here we got +a bite of supper and were permitted to lie before the fire. My +fellow-prisoner took off his boots and was soon sound asleep. I +took off nothing and, despite exhaustion, remained equally sound +awake. One of the guards also <span class="pagenum"><a id="page311" +name="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span>removed his footgear and outer +clothing, placed his weapons under his neck and slept the sleep of +innocence; the other sat in the chimney corner on watch. The house +was a double log cabin, with an open space between the two parts, +roofed over—a common type of habitation in that region. The +room we were in had its entrance in this open space, the fireplace +opposite, at the end. Beside the door was a bed, occupied by the +old man of the house and his wife. It was partly curtained off from +the room.</p> +<p>In an hour or two the chap on watch began to yawn, then to nod. +Pretty soon he stretched himself on the floor, facing us, pistol in +hand. For a while he supported himself on his elbow, then laid his +head on his arm, blinking like an owl. I performed an occasional +snore, watching him narrowly between my eyelashes from the shadow +of my arm. The inevitable occurred—he slept audibly.</p> +<p>A half-hour later I rose quietly to my feet, particularly +careful not to disturb the blackguard at my side, and moved as +silently as possible to the door. Despite my care the latch +clicked. The old lady sat bolt upright in bed and stared at me. She +was too late. I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page312" name= +"page312"></a>[pg 312]</span>sprang through the door and struck out +for the nearest point of woods, in a direction previously selected, +vaulting fences like an accomplished gymnast and followed by a +multitude of dogs. It is said that the State of Alabama has more +dogs than school-children, and that they cost more for their keep. +The estimate of cost is probably too high.</p> +<p>Looking backward as I ran, I saw and heard the place in a +turmoil and uproar; and to my joy the old man, evidently oblivious +to the facts of the situation, was lifting up his voice and calling +his dogs. They were good dogs: they went back; otherwise the +malicious old rascal would have had my skeleton. Again the +traditional bloodhound did not materialize. Other pursuit there was +no reason to fear; my foreign gentleman would occupy the attention +of one of the soldiers, and in the darkness of the forest I could +easily elude the other, or, if need be, get him at a disadvantage. +In point of fact there was no pursuit.</p> +<p>I now took my course by the north star (which I can never +sufficiently bless), avoiding all roads and open places about +houses, laboriously boring my way through forests, driving myself +like a wedge into brush and bramble, swimming every stream I came +to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page313" name="page313"></a>[pg +313]</span>(some of them more than once, probably), and pulling +myself out of the water by boughs and briars—whatever could +be grasped. Let any one try to go a little way across even the most +familiar country on a moonless night, and he will have an +experience to remember. By dawn I had probably not made three +miles. My clothing and skin were alike in rags.</p> +<p>During the day I was compelled to make wide detours to avoid +even the fields, unless they were of corn; but in other respects +the going was distinctly better. A light breakfast of raw sweet +potatoes and persimmons cheered the inner man; a good part of the +outer was decorating the several thorns, boughs and sharp rocks +along my sylvan wake.</p> +<p>Late in the afternoon I found the river, at what point it was +impossible to say. After a half-hour’s rest, concluding with +a fervent prayer that I might go to the bottom, I swam across. +Creeping up the bank and holding my course still northward through +a dense undergrowth, I suddenly reeled into a dusty highway and saw +a more heavenly vision than ever the eyes of a dying saint were +blessed withal—two patriots in blue carrying a stolen pig +slung upon a pole!</p> +<p>Late that evening Colonel McConnell and <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page314" name="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span>his +staff were chatting by a camp-fire in front of his headquarters. +They were in a pleasant humor: some one had just finished a funny +story about a man cut in two by a cannon-shot. Suddenly something +staggered in among them from the outer darkness and fell into the +fire. Somebody dragged it out by what seemed to be a leg. They +turned the animal on its back and examined it—they were no +cowards.</p> +<p>“What is it, Cobb?” said the chief, who had not +taken the trouble to rise.</p> +<p>“I don’t know, Colonel, but thank God it is +dead!”</p> +<p>It was not.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page315" name="page315"></a>[pg +315]</span></p> +<h3><a id="franklin" name="franklin">What Occurred at +Franklin</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>For several days, in snow and rain, General Schofield’s +little army had crouched in its hastily constructed defenses at +Columbia, Tennessee. It had retreated in hot haste from Pulaski, +thirty miles to the south, arriving just in time to foil Hood, who, +marching from Florence, Alabama, by another road, with a force of +more than double our strength, had hoped to intercept us. Had he +succeeded, he would indubitably have bagged the whole bunch of us. +As it was, he simply took position in front of us and gave us +plenty of employment, but did not attack; he knew a trick worth two +of that.</p> +<p>Duck River was directly in our rear; I suppose both our flanks +rested on it. The town was between them. One night—that of +November 27, 1864—we pulled up stakes and crossed to the +north bank to continue our retreat to Nashville, where Thomas and +safety lay—such safety as is known in war. It was high time +too, for before noon of the next day <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page316" name="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span>Forrest’s cavalry +forded the river a few miles above us and began pushing back our +own horse toward Spring Hill, ten miles in our rear, on our only +road. Why our infantry was not immediately put in motion toward the +threatened point, so vital to our safety, General Schofield could +have told better than I. Howbeit, we lay there inactive all +day.</p> +<p>The next morning—a bright and beautiful one—the +brigade of Colonel P. Sidney Post was thrown out, up the river four +or five miles, to see what it could see. What it saw was +Hood’s head-of-column coming over on a pontoon bridge, and a +right pretty spectacle it would have been to one whom it did not +concern. It concerned us rather keenly.</p> +<p>As a member of Colonel Post’s staff, I was naturally +favored with a good view of the performance. We formed in line of +battle at a distance of perhaps a half-mile from the bridge-head, +but that unending column of gray and steel gave us no more +attention than if we had been a crowd of farmer-folk. Why should +it? It had only to face to the left to be itself a line of battle. +Meantime it had more urgent business on hand than brushing away a +small brigade whose only offense was curiosity; it was making for +Spring Hill with <span class="pagenum"><a id="page317" name= +"page317"></a>[pg 317]</span>all its legs and wheels. Hour after +hour we watched that unceasing flow of infantry and artillery +toward the rear of our army. It was an unnerving spectacle, yet we +never for a moment doubted that, acting on the intelligence +supplied by our succession of couriers, our entire force was moving +rapidly to the point of contact. The battle of Spring Hill was +obviously decreed. Obviously, too, our brigade of observation would +be among the last to have a hand in it. The thought annoyed us, +made us restless and resentful. Our mounted men rode forward and +back behind the line, nervous and distressed; the men in the ranks +sought relief in frequent changes of posture, in shifting their +weight from one leg to the other, in needless inspection of their +weapons and in that unfailing resource of the discontented soldier, +audible damning of those in the saddles of authority. But never for +more than a moment at a time did any one remove his eyes from that +fascinating and portentous pageant.</p> +<p>Toward evening we were recalled, to learn that of our five +divisions of infantry, with their batteries, numbering twenty-three +thousand men, only one—Stanley’s, four thousand +weak—had been sent to Spring Hill to meet <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page318" name="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span>that +formidable movement of Hood’s three veteran corps! Why +Stanley was not immediately effaced is still a matter of +controversy. Hood, who was early on the ground, declared that he +gave the needful orders and tried vainly to enforce them; Cheatham, +in command of his leading corps, that he did not. Doubtless the +dispute is still being carried on between these chieftains from +their beds of asphodel and moly in Elysium. So much is certain: +Stanley drove away Forrest and successfully held the junction of +the roads against Cleburne’s division, the only infantry that +attacked him.</p> +<p>That night the entire Confederate army lay within a half mile of +our road, while we all sneaked by, infantry, artillery, and trains. +The enemy’s camp-fires shone redly—miles of +them—seemingly only a stone’s throw from our hurrying +column. His men were plainly visible about them, cooking their +suppers—a sight so incredible that many of our own, thinking +them friends, strayed over to them and did not return. At intervals +of a few hundred yards we passed dim figures on horseback by the +roadside, enjoining silence. Needless precaution; we could not have +spoken if we had tried, for our hearts were in our <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page319" name="page319"></a>[pg +319]</span>throats. But fools are God’s peculiar care, arid +one of his protective methods is the stupidity of other fools. By +daybreak our last man and last wagon had passed the fateful spot +unchallenged, and our first were entering Franklin, ten miles away. +Despite spirited cavalry attacks on trains and rear-guard, all were +in Franklin by noon and such of the men as could be kept awake were +throwing up a slight line of defense, inclosing the town.</p> +<p>Franklin lies—or at that time did lie; I know not what +exploration might now disclose—on the south bank of a small +river, the Harpeth by name. For two miles southward was a nearly +flat, open plain, extending to a range of low hills through which +passed the turnpike by which we had come. From some bluffs on the +precipitous north bank of the river was a commanding overlook of +all this open ground, which, although more than a mile away, seemed +almost at one’s feet. On this elevated ground the wagon-train +had been parked and General Schofield had stationed +himself—the former for security, the latter for outlook. Both +were guarded by General Wood’s infantry division, of which my +brigade was a part. “We are in beautiful luck,” said a +member of the division staff. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page320" +name="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span>With some prevision of what was +to come and a lively recollection of the nervous strain of helpless +observation, I did not think it luck. In the activity of battle one +does not feel one’s hair going gray with vicissitudes of +emotion.</p> +<p>For some reason to the writer unknown General Schofield had +brought along with him General D.S. Stanley, who commanded two of +his divisions—ours and another, which was not “in +luck.” In the ensuing battle, when this excellent officer +could stand the strain no longer, he bolted across the bridge like +a shot and found relief in the hell below, where he was promptly +tumbled out of the saddle by a bullet.</p> +<p>Our line, with its reserve brigades, was about a mile and a half +long, both flanks on the river, above and below the town—a +mere bridge-head. It did not look a very formidable obstacle to the +march of an army of more than forty thousand men. In a more +tranquil temper than his failure at Spring Hill had put him into +Hood would probably have passed around our left and turned us out +with ease—which would justly have entitled him to the Humane +Society’s great gold medal. Apparently that was not his day +for saving life.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page321" name="page321"></a>[pg +321]</span>About the middle of the afternoon our field-glasses +picked up the Confederate head-of-column emerging from the range of +hills previously mentioned, where it is cut by the Columbia road. +But—ominous circumstance!—it did not come on. It turned +to its left, at a right angle, moving along the base of the hills, +parallel to our line. Other heads-of-column came through other gaps +and over the crests farther along, impudently deploying on the +level ground with a spectacular display of flags and glitter of +arms. I do not remember that they were molested, even by the guns +of General Wagner, who had been foolishly posted with two small +brigades across the turnpike, a half-mile in our front, where he +was needless for apprisal and powerless for resistance. My +recollection is that our fellows down there in their shallow +trenches noted these portentous dispositions without the least +manifestation of incivility. As a matter of fact, many of them were +permitted by their compassionate officers to sleep. And truly it +was good weather for that: sleep was in the very atmosphere. The +sun burned crimson in a gray-blue sky through a delicate +Indian-summer haze, as beautiful as a day-dream in paradise. If one +had been given to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page322" name= +"page322"></a>[pg 322]</span>moralizing one might have found +material a-plenty for homilies in the contrast between that +peaceful autumn afternoon and the bloody business that it had in +hand. If any good chaplain failed to “improve the +occasion” let us hope that he lived to lament in +sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses his intellectual +unthrift.</p> +<p>The putting of that army into battle shape—its change from +columns into lines—could not have occupied more than an hour +or two, yet it seemed an eternity. Its leisurely evolutions were +irritating, but at last it moved forward with atoning rapidity and +the fight was on. First, the storm struck Wagner’s isolated +brigades, which, vanishing in fire and smoke, instantly reappeared +as a confused mass of fugitives inextricably intermingled with +their pursuers. They had not stayed the advance a moment, and as +might have been foreseen were now a peril to the main line, which +could protect itself only by the slaughter of its friends. To the +right and left, however, our guns got into play, and simultaneously +a furious infantry fire broke out along the entire front, the +paralyzed center excepted. But nothing could stay those gallant +rebels from a hand-to-hand encounter with bayonet <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page323" name="page323"></a>[pg 323]</span>and +butt, and it was accorded to them with hearty good-will.</p> +<p>Meantime Wagner’s conquerors were pouring across the +breastwork like water over a dam. The guns that had spared the +fugitives had now no time to fire; their infantry supports gave way +and for a space of more than two hundred yards in the very center +of our line the assailants, mad with exultation, had everything +their own way. From the right and the left their gray masses +converged into the gap, pushed through, and then, spreading, turned +our men out of the works so hardly held against the attack in their +front. From our viewpoint on the bluff we could mark the constant +widening of the gap, the steady encroachment of that blazing and +smoking mass against its disordered opposition.</p> +<p>“It is all up with us,” said Captain Dawson, of +Wood’s staff; “I am going to have a quiet +smoke.”</p> +<p>I do not doubt that he supposed himself to have borne the heat +and burden of the strife. In the midst of his preparations for a +smoke he paused and looked again—a new tumult of musketry had +broken loose. Colonel Emerson Opdycke had rushed his reserve +brigade into the <em>mêlée</em> and was bitterly +disputing the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page324" name= +"page324"></a>[pg 324]</span>Confederate advantage. Other fresh +regiments joined in the countercharge, commanderless groups of +retreating men returned to their work, and there ensued a +hand-to-hand contest of incredible fury. Two long, irregular, +mutable, and tumultuous blurs of color were consuming each +other’s edge along the line of contact. Such devil’s +work does not last long, and we had the great joy to see it ending, +not as it began, but “more nearly to the heart’s +desire.” Slowly the mobile blur moved away from the town, and +presently the gray half of it dissolved into its elemental units, +all in slow recession. The retaken guns in the embrasures pushed up +towering clouds of white smoke; to east and to west along the +reoccupied parapet ran a line of misty red till the spitfire crest +was without a break from flank to flank. Probably there was some +Yankee cheering, as doubtless there had been the “rebel +yell,” but my memory recalls neither. There are many battles +in a war, and many incidents in a battle: one does not recollect +everything. Possibly I have not a retentive ear.</p> +<p>While this lively work had been doing in the center, there had +been no lack of diligence elsewhere, and now all were as busy as +bees. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page325" name="page325"></a>[pg +325]</span>I have read of many “successive +attacks”—“charge after charge”—but I +think the only assaults after the first were those of the second +Confederate lines and possibly some of the reserves; certainly +there were no visible abatement and renewal of effort anywhere +except where the men who had been pushed out of the works backward +tried to reenter. And all the time there was fighting.</p> +<p>After resetting their line the victors could not clear their +front, for the baffled assailants would not desist. All over the +open country in their rear, clear back to the base of the hills, +drifted the wreck of battle, the wounded that were able to walk; +and through the receding throng pushed forward, here and there, +horsemen with orders and footmen whom we knew to be bearing +ammunition. There were no wagons, no caissons: the enemy was not +using, and could not use, his artillery. Along the line of fire we +could see, dimly in the smoke, mounted officers, singly and in +small groups, attempting to force their horses across the slight +parapet, but all went down. Of this devoted band was the gallant +General Adams, whose body was found upon the slope, and whose +animal’s forefeet were actually inside the crest. General +Cleburne <span class="pagenum"><a id="page326" name= +"page326"></a>[pg 326]</span>lay a few paces farther out, and five +or six other general officers sprawled elsewhere. It was a great +day for Confederates in the line of promotion.</p> +<p>For many minutes at a time broad spaces of battle were veiled in +smoke. Of what might be occurring there conjecture gave a +terrifying report. In a visible peril observation is a kind of +defense; against the unseen we lift a trembling hand. Always from +these regions of obscurity we expected the worst, but always the +lifted cloud revealed an unaltered situation.</p> +<p>The assailants began to give way. There was no general retreat; +at many points the fight continued, with lessening ferocity and +lengthening range, well into the night. It became an affair of +twinkling musketry and broad flares of artillery; then it sank to +silence in the dark.</p> +<p>Under orders to continue his retreat, Schofield could now do so +unmolested: Hood had suffered so terrible a loss in life and +<em>morale</em> that he was in no condition for effective pursuit. +As at Spring Hill, daybreak found us on the road with all our +impedimenta except some of our wounded, and that night we encamped +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page327" name="page327"></a>[pg +327]</span>under the protecting guns of Thomas, at Nashville. Our +gallant enemy audaciously followed, and fortified himself within +rifle-reach, where he remained for two weeks without firing a gun +and was then destroyed.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page328" name="page328"></a>[pg +328]</span></p> +<h3>‘<a id="alabam" name="alabam">Way Down in +Alabam</a>’</h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>At the break-up of the great Rebellion I found myself at Selma, +Alabama, still in the service of the United States, and although my +duties were now purely civil my treatment was not uniformly so, and +I am not surprised that it was not. I was a minor official in the +Treasury Department, engaged in performance of duties exceedingly +disagreeable not only to the people of the vicinity, but to myself +as well. They consisted in the collection and custody of +“captured and abandoned property.” The Treasury had +covered pretty nearly the entire area of “the States lately +in rebellion” with a hierarchy of officials, consisting, as +nearly as memory serves, of one supervising agent and a multitude +of special agents. Each special agent held dominion over a +collection district and was allowed an “agency aide” to +assist him in his purposeful activity, besides such clerks, +laborers and so forth as he could persuade himself to need. My +humble position was that of agency aide. When the special +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page329" name="page329"></a>[pg +329]</span>agent was present for duty I was his chief executive +officer; in his absence I represented him (with greater or less +fidelity to the original and to my conscience) and was invested +with his powers. In the Selma agency the property that we were +expected to seize and defend as best we might was mostly +plantations (whose owners had disappeared; some were dead, others +in hiding) and cotton. The country was full of cotton which had +been sold to the Confederate Government, but not removed from the +plantations to take its chance of export through the blockade. It +had been decided that it now belonged to the United States. It was +worth about five hundred dollars a bale—say one dollar a +pound. The world agreed that that was a pretty good price for +cotton.</p> +<p>Naturally the original owners, having received nothing for their +product but Confederate money which the result of the war had made +worthless, manifested an unamiable reluctance to give it up, for if +they could market it for themselves it would more than recoup them +for all their losses in the war. They had therefore exercised a +considerable ingenuity in effacing all record of its transfer to +the Confederate Government, obliterating the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page330" name="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span>marks +on the bales, and hiding these away in swamps and other +inconspicuous places, fortifying their claims to private ownership +with appalling affidavits and “covering their tracks” +in an infinite variety of ways generally.</p> +<p>In effecting their purpose they encountered many difficulties. +Cotton in bales is not very portable property; it requires for +movement and concealment a good deal of coöperation by persons +having no interest in keeping the secret and easily accessible to +the blandishments of those interested in tracing it. The negroes, +by whom the work was necessarily done, were zealous to pay for +emancipation by fidelity to the new <em>régime</em>, and +many poor devils among them forfeited their lives by services +performed with more loyalty than discretion. Railways—even +those having a more than nominal equipment of rails and rolling +stock—were unavailable for secret conveyance of the cotton. +Navigating the Alabama and Tombigbee rivers were a few small +steamboats, the half-dozen pilots familiar with these streams +exacting one hundred dollars a day for their services; but our +agents, backed by military authority, were at all the principal +shipping points and no boat could <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page331" name="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span>leave without their +consent. The port of Mobile was in our hands and the lower waters +were patrolled by gunboats. Cotton might, indeed, be dumped down a +“slide” by night at some private landing and fall upon +the deck of a steamer idling innocently below. It might even arrive +at Mobile, but secretly to transfer it to a deep-water vessel and +get it out of the country—that was a dream.</p> +<p>On the movement of private cotton we put no restrictions; and +such were the freight rates that it was possible to purchase a +steamboat at Mobile, go up the river in ballast, bring down a cargo +of cotton and make a handsome profit, after deducting the cost of +the boat and all expenses of the venture, including the wage of the +pilot. With no great knowledge of “business” I venture +to think that in Alabama in the latter part of the year of grace +1865 commercial conditions were hardly normal.</p> +<p>Nor were social conditions what I trust they have now become. +There was no law in the country except of the unsatisfactory sort +known as “martial,” and that was effective only within +areas covered by the guns of isolated forts and the physical +activities of their small garrisons. True, there were the +immemorial <span class="pagenum"><a id="page332" name= +"page332"></a>[pg 332]</span>laws of self-preservation and +retaliation, both of which were liberally interpreted. The latter +was faithfully administered, mostly against straggling Federal +soldiers and too zealous government officials. When my chief had +been ordered to Selma he had arrived just in time to act as sole +mourner at the funeral of his predecessor—who had had the bad +luck to interpret his instructions in a sense that was disagreeable +to a gentleman whose interests were affected by the interpretation. +Early one pleasant morning shortly afterward two United States +marshals were observed by the roadside in a suburb of the town. +They looked comfortable enough there in the sunshine, but each</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">had that across his throat</p> +<p>Which you had hardly cared to see.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>When dispatched on business of a delicate nature men in the +service of the agency had a significant trick of +disappearing—they were of “the unreturning +brave.” Really the mortality among the unacclimated in the +Selma district at that time was excessive. When my chief and I +parted at dinner time (our palates were not in harmony) we commonly +shook hands and tried to say something memorable <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page333" name="page333"></a>[pg 333]</span>that +was worthy to serve as “last words.” We had been in the +army together and had many a time gone into battle without having +taken that precaution in the interest of history.</p> +<p>Of course the better class of the people were not accountable +for this state of affairs, and I do not remember that I greatly +blamed the others. The country was full of the “elements of +combustion.” The people were impoverished and smarting with a +sense of defeat. Organized resistance was no longer possible, but +many men trained to the use of arms did not consider themselves +included in the surrender and conscientiously believed it both +right and expedient to prolong the struggle by private enterprise. +Many, no doubt, made the easy and natural transition from +soldiering to assassination by insensible degrees, unconscious of +the moral difference, such as it is. Selma was little better than a +ruin; in the concluding period of the war General Wilson’s +cavalry had raided it and nearly destroyed it, and the work begun +by the battery had been completed by the torch. The conflagration +was generally attributed to the negroes, who certainly augmented +it, for a number of those suspected of the crime <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page334" name="page334"></a>[pg 334]</span>were +flung into the flames by the maddened populace. None the less were +the Yankee invaders held responsible.</p> +<p>Every Northern man represented some form or phase of an +authority which these luckless people horribly hated, and to which +they submitted only because, and in so far as, they had to. Fancy +such a community, utterly without the restraints of law and with no +means of ascertaining public opinion—for newspapers were +not—denied even the moral advantage of the pulpit! +Considering what human nature has the misfortune to be, it is +wonderful that there was so little of violence and crime.</p> +<p>As the carcass invites the vulture, this prostrate land drew +adventurers from all points of the compass. Many, I am sorry to +say, were in the service of the United States Government. Truth to +tell, the special agents of the Treasury were themselves, as a +body, not altogether spotless. I could name some of them, and some +of their assistants, who made large fortunes by their +opportunities. The special agents were allowed one-fourth of the +value of the confiscated cotton for expenses of +collection—none too much, considering the arduous and +perilous character of the service; <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page335" name="page335"></a>[pg 335]</span>but the plan opened up +such possibilities of fraud as have seldom been accorded by any +system of conducting the public business, and never without +disastrous results to official morality. Against bribery no +provision could have provided an adequate safeguard; the magnitude +of the interests involved was too great, the administration of the +trust too loose and irresponsible. The system as it was, hastily +devised in the storm and stress of a closing war, broke down in the +end, and it is doubtful if the Government might not more profitably +have let the “captured and abandoned property” +alone.</p> +<p>As an instance of the temptations to which we were exposed, and +of our tactical dispositions in resistance, I venture to relate a +single experience of my own. During an absence of my chief I got +upon the trail of a lot of cotton—seven hundred bales, as +nearly as I now recollect—which had been hidden with so +exceptional ingenuity that I was unable to trace it. One day there +came to my office two well-dressed and mannerly fellows who +suffered me to infer that they knew all about this cotton and +controlled it. When our conference on the subject ended it was past +dinner time and they civilly invited me to dine <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page336" name="page336"></a>[pg 336]</span>with +them, which, in hope of eliciting information over the wine, I did. +I knew well enough that they indulged a similar selfish hope, so I +had no scruples about using their hospitality to their disadvantage +if I could. The subject, however, was not mentioned at table, and +we were all singularly abstemious in the matter of +champagne—so much so that as we rose from a rather long +session at the board we disclosed our sense of the ludicrousness of +the situation by laughing outright. Nevertheless, neither party +would accept defeat, and for the next few weeks the war of +hospitality was fast and furious. We dined together nearly every +day, sometimes at my expense, sometimes at theirs. We drove, rode, +walked, played at billiards and made many a night of it; but youth +and temperance (in drink) pulled me through without serious inroads +on my health. We had early come to an understanding and a deadlock. +Failing to get the slenderest clew to the location of the cotton I +offered them one-fourth if they would surrender it or disclose its +hiding-place; they offered me one-fourth if I would sign a permit +for its shipment as private property.</p> +<p>All things have an end, and this amusing contest finally closed. +Over the remains of a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page337" name= +"page337"></a>[pg 337]</span>farewell dinner, unusually luxurious, +as befitted the occasion, we parted with expressions of mutual +esteem—not, I hope, altogether insincere, and the ultimate +fate of the cotton is to me unknown. Up to the date of my departure +from the agency not a bale of it had either come into possession of +the Government or found an outlet. I am sometimes disloyal enough +to indulge myself in the hope that they baffled my successors as +skilfully as they did me. One cannot help feeling a certain +tenderness for men who know and value a good dinner.</p> +<p>Another corrupt proposal that I had the good fortune to be +afraid to entertain came, as it were, from within. There was a +dare-devil fellow whom, as I know him to be dead, I feel justified +in naming Jack Harris. He was engaged in all manner of speculative +ventures on his own account, but the special agent had so +frequently employed him in “enterprises of great pith and +moment” that he was in a certain sense and to a certain +extent one of us. He seemed to me at the time unique, but shortly +afterward I had learned to classify him as a type of the +Californian adventurer with whose peculiarities of manner, speech +and disposition most of us are to-day familiar <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page338" name="page338"></a>[pg 338]</span>enough. +He never spoke of his past, having doubtless good reasons for +reticence, but any one learned in Western slang—a knowledge +then denied me—would have catalogued him with infallible +accuracy. He was a rather large, strong fellow, swarthy, +black-bearded, black-eyed, black-hearted and entertaining, no end; +ignorant with an ignorance whose frankness redeemed it from +offensiveness, vulgar with a vulgarity that expressed itself in +such metaphors and similes as would have made its peace with the +most implacable refinement. He drank hard, gambled high, swore like +a parrot, scoffed at everything, was openly and proudly a rascal, +did not know the meaning of fear, borrowed money abundantly, and +squandered it with royal disregard. Desiring one day to go to +Mobile, but reluctant to leave Montgomery and its +pleasures—unwilling to quit certainty for hope—he +persuaded the captain of a loaded steamboat to wait four days for +him at an expense of $400 a day; and lest time should hang too +heavy on the obliging skipper’s hands, Jack permitted him to +share the orgies gratis. But that is not my story.</p> +<p>One day Jack came to me with a rather more sinful proposal than +he had heretofore <span class="pagenum"><a id="page339" name= +"page339"></a>[pg 339]</span>done me the honor to submit. He knew +of about a thousand bales of cotton, some of it private property, +some of it confiscable, stored at various points on the banks of +the Alabama. He had a steamboat in readiness, “with a +gallant, gallant crew,” and he proposed to drop quietly down +to the various landings by night, seize the cotton, load it on his +boat and make off down the river. What he wanted from me, and was +willing to pay for, was only my official signature to some blank +shipping permits; or if I would accompany the expedition and share +its fortunes no papers would be necessary. In declining this truly +generous offer I felt that I owed it to Jack to give him a reason +that he was capable of understanding, so I explained to him the +arrangements at Mobile, which would prevent him from transferring +his cargo to a ship and getting the necessary papers permitting her +to sail. He was astonished and, I think, pained by my simplicity. +Did I think him a fool? He did not purpose—not he—to +tranship at all: the perfected plan was to dispense with all +hampering formality by slipping through Mobile Bay in the black of +the night and navigating his laden river craft across the Gulf to +Havana! The rascal was <span class="pagenum"><a id="page340" name= +"page340"></a>[pg 340]</span>in dead earnest, and that natural +timidity of disposition which compelled me to withhold my +coöperation greatly lowered me in his esteem, I fear.</p> +<p>It was in Cuba, by the way, that Jack came to grief some years +later. He was one of the crew of the filibustering vessel +<em>Virginius</em>, and was captured and shot along with the +others. Something in his demeanor as he knelt in the line to +receive the fatal fusillade prompted a priest to inquire his +religion. “I am an atheist, by God!” said Jack, and +with this quiet profession of faith that gentle spirit winged its +way to other tropics.</p> +<p>Having expounded with some particularity the precarious tenure +by which I held my office and my life in those “thrilling +regions” where my duties lay, I ought to explain by what +unhappy chance I am still able to afflict the reader. There lived +in Selma a certain once wealthy and still influential citizen, +whose two sons, of about my own age, had served as officers in the +Confederate Army. I will designate them simply as Charles and +Frank. They were types of a class now, I fear, almost extinct. Born +and bred in luxury and knowing nothing of the seamy side of +life—except, indeed, what they had learned <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page341" name="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span>in the +war—well educated, brave, generous, sensitive to points of +honor, and of engaging manners, these brothers were by all +respected, by many loved and by some feared. For they had quick +fingers upon the pistol-trigger withal, and would rather fight a +duel than eat—nay, drink. Nor were they over-particular about +the combat taking the form of a duel—almost any form was good +enough. I made their acquaintance by chance and cultivated it for +the pleasure it gave me. It was long afterward that I gave a +thought to its advantages; but from the time that I became +generally known as their friend my safety was assured through all +that region; an army with banners could not have given me the same +immunity from danger, obstruction or even insult in the performance +of my disagreeable duties. What glorious fellows they were, to be +sure—these my late antagonists of the dark days when, God +forgive us, we were trying to cut one another’s throat. To +this day I feel a sense of regret when I think of my +instrumentality, however small, in depriving the world of many such +men in the criminal insanity that we call battle.</p> +<p>Life in Selma became worth living even as the chance of living +it augmented. With my <span class="pagenum"><a id="page342" name= +"page342"></a>[pg 342]</span>new friends and a friend of theirs, +whose name—the more shame to me—I cannot now recall, +but should not write here if I could, I passed most of my leisure +hours. At the houses of themselves and their friends I did most of +my dining; and, heaven be praised! there was no necessity for +moderation in wine. In their society I committed my sins, and +together beneath that noble orb unknown to colder skies, the +Southern moon, we atoned for them by acts of devotion performed +with song and lute beneath the shrine window of many a local +divinity.</p> +<p>One night we had an adventure. We were out late—so late +that it was night only astronomically. The streets were +“deserted and drear,” and, of course, +unlighted—the late Confederacy had no gas and no oil. +Nevertheless, we saw that we were followed. A man keeping at a +fixed distance behind turned as we turned, paused as we paused, and +pursued as we moved on. We stopped, went back and remonstrated; +asked his intentions in, I dare say, no gentle words. He gave us no +reply, but as we left him he followed. Again we stopped, and I felt +my pistol plucked out of my pocket. Frank had unceremoniously +possessed himself of it and was <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page343" name="page343"></a>[pg 343]</span>advancing on the enemy. +I do not remember if I had any wish to interpose a +protest—anyhow there was no time. Frank fired and the man +fell. In a moment all the chamber-windows in the street were thrown +open with a head visible (and audible) in each. We told Frank to go +home, which to our surprise he did; the rest of us, assisted by +somebody’s private policeman—who afterward apprised us +that we were in arrest—carried the man to a hotel. It was +found that his leg was broken above the knee, and the next day it +was amputated. We paid his surgeon and his hotel bill, and when he +had sufficiently recovered sent him to an address which he gave us +in Mobile; but not a word could anybody get out of him as to who he +had the misfortune to be, or why he had persisted, against the +light, in following a quartet of stray revelers.</p> +<p>On the morning of the shooting, when everything possible had +been done for the comfort of the victim, we three accomplices were +released on our own recognizance by an old gentleman of severe +aspect, who had resumed his function of justice of the peace where +he had laid it down during the war. I did not then know that he had +no more legal authority than I had myself, and I was somewhat +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page344" name="page344"></a>[pg +344]</span>disturbed in mind as I reflected on the possibilities of +the situation. The opportunity to get rid of an offensive Federal +official must of course be very tempting, and after all the +shooting was a trifle hasty and not altogether justifiable.</p> +<p>On the day appointed for our preliminary examination, all of us +except Frank were released and put on the witness-stand. We gave a +true and congruent history of the affair. The holdover justice +listened to it all very patiently and then, with commendable +brevity and directness of action, fined Frank five dollars and +costs for disorderly conduct. There was no appeal.</p> +<p>There were queer characters in Alabama in those days, as you +shall see. Once upon a time the special agent and I started down +the Tombigbee River with a steamboat load of government +cotton—some six hundred bales. At one of the military +stations we took on a guard of a dozen or fifteen soldiers under +command of a non-commissioned officer. One evening, just before +dusk, as we were rounding a bend where the current set strongly +against the left bank of the stream and the channel lay close to +that shore, we were suddenly saluted with a volley of bullets and +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page345" name="page345"></a>[pg +345]</span>buckshot from that direction. The din of the firing, the +rattle and crash of the missiles splintering the woodwork and the +jingle of broken glass made a very rude arousing from the tranquil +indolence of a warm afternoon on the sluggish Tombigbee. The left +bank, which at this point was a trifle higher than the hurricane +deck of a steamer, was now swarming with men who, almost near +enough to jump aboard, looked unreasonably large and active as they +sprang about from cover to cover, pouring in their fire. At the +first volley the pilot had deserted his wheel, as well he might, +and the boat, drifting in to the bank under the boughs of a tree, +was helpless. Her jackstaff and yawl were carried away, her guards +broken in, and her deck-load of cotton was tumbling into the stream +a dozen bales at once. The captain was nowhere to be seen, the +engineer had evidently abandoned his post and the special agent had +gone to hunt up the soldiers. I happened to be on the hurricane +deck, armed with a revolver, which I fired as rapidly as I could, +listening all the time for the fire of the soldiers—and +listening in vain. It transpired later that they had not a +cartridge among them; and of all helpless mortals a soldier without +a cartridge is <span class="pagenum"><a id="page346" name= +"page346"></a>[pg 346]</span>the most imbecile. But all this time +the continuous rattle of the enemy’s guns and the petulant +pop of my own pocket firearm were punctuated, as it were, by pretty +regularly recurring loud explosions, as of a small cannon. They +came from somewhere forward—I supposed from the opposition, +as I knew we had no artillery on board.</p> +<p>The failure of our military guard made the situation somewhat +grave. For two of us, at least, capture meant hanging out of hand. +I had never been hanged in all my life and was not enamored of the +prospect. Fortunately for us the bandits had selected their point +of attack without military foresight. Immediately below them a +bayou, impassable to them, let into the river. The moment we had +drifted below it we were safe from boarding and capture. The +captain was found in hiding and an empty pistol at his ear +persuaded him to resume command of his vessel; the engineer and +pilot were encouraged to go back to their posts and after some +remarkably long minutes, during which we were under an increasingly +long-range fire, we got under way. A few cotton bales piled about +the pilot-house made us tolerably safe from that sort of thing in +the future and then we took account of our <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page347" name="page347"></a>[pg +347]</span>damages. Nobody had been killed and only a few were +wounded. This gratifying result was attributable to the fact that, +being unarmed, nearly everybody had dived below at the first fire +and taken cover among the cotton bales. While issuing a multitude +of needless commands from the front of the hurricane-deck I looked +below, and there, stretched out at full length on his stomach, lay +a long, ungainly person, clad in faded butternut, bare-headed, his +long, lank hair falling down each side of his neck, his coat-tails +similarly parted, and his enormous feet spreading their soles to +the blue sky. He had an old-fashioned horse-pistol, some two feet +long, which he was in the act of sighting across his left palm for +a parting shot at the now distant assailants. A more ludicrous +figure I never saw; I laughed outright; but when his weapon went +off it was matter for gratitude to be above it instead of before +it. It was the “cannon” whose note I had marked all +through the unequal fray.</p> +<p>The fellow was a returned Confederate whom we had taken on at +one of the upper landings as our only passenger; we were +dead-heading him to Mobile. He was undoubtedly in hearty sympathy +with the enemy, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page348" name= +"page348"></a>[pg 348]</span>I at first suspected him of collusion, +but circumstances not necessary to detail here rendered this +impossible. Moreover, I had distinctly seen one of the +“guerrillas” fall and remain down after my own weapon +was empty, and no man else on board except the passenger had fired +a shot or had a shot to fire. When everything had been made snug +again, and we were gliding along under the stars, without +apprehension; when I had counted fifty-odd bullet holes through the +pilot-house (which had not received the attention that by its +prominence and importance it was justly entitled to) and everybody +was variously boasting his prowess, I approached my butternut +comrade-in-arms and thanked him for his kindly aid. +“But,” said I, “how the devil does it happen that +<em>you</em> fight <em>that</em> crowd?”</p> +<p>“Wal, Cap,” he drawled, as he rubbed the powder +grime from his antique artillery, “I allowed it was mouty +clever in you-all to take me on, seein’ I hadn’t ary +cent, so I thought I’d jist kinder work my +passage.”</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page349" name="page349"></a>[pg +349]</span></p> +<h3><a id="empress" name="empress">Working for an Empress</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In the spring of 1874 I was living in the pretty English town of +Leamington, a place that will be remembered by most Americans who +have visited the grave of Shakespeare at Stratford-on-Avon, or by +personal inspection of the ruins of Kenilworth Castle have verified +their knowledge of English history derived from Scott’s +incomparable romance. I was at that time connected with several +London newspapers, among them the <em>Figaro</em>, a small weekly +publication, semi-humorous, semi-theatrical, with a remarkable +aptitude for managing the political affairs of France in the +interest of the Imperialists. This last peculiarity it owed to the +personal sympathies of its editor and proprietor, Mr. James +Mortimer, a gentleman who for some twenty years before the +overthrow of the Empire had lived in Paris. Mr. Mortimer had been a +personal friend of the Emperor and Empress, and on the flight of +the latter to England had rendered her important service; and after +the release of the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page350" name= +"page350"></a>[pg 350]</span>Emperor from captivity among the +Germans Mr. Mortimer was a frequent visitor to the imperial exiles +at Chiselhurst.</p> +<p>One day at Leamington my London mail brought a letter from Mr. +Mortimer, informing me that he intended to publish a new satirical +journal, which he wished me to write. I was to do all the writing, +he the editing; and it would not be necessary for me to come up to +London; I could send manuscript by mail. The new journal was not to +appear at stated periods, but “occasionally.” Would I +submit to him a list of suitable titles for it, from which he could +make a selection?</p> +<p>With some surprise at what seemed to me the singularly whimsical +and unbusiness-like features of the enterprise I wrote him +earnestly advising him either to abandon it or materially to modify +his plan. I represented to him that such a journal, so conducted, +could not in my judgment succeed; but he was obdurate and after a +good deal of correspondence I consented to do all the writing if he +was willing to do all the losing money. I submitted a number of +names which I thought suitable for the paper, but all were +rejected, and he finally wrote that he had decided to call the new +journal <em>The Lantern</em>. This decision <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page351" name="page351"></a>[pg +351]</span>elicited from me another energetic protest. The title +was not original, but obviously borrowed from M. Rochefort’s +famous journal, <em>La Lanterne</em>. True, that publication was +dead, and its audacious editor deported to New Caledonia with his +Communistic following; but the name could hardly be agreeable to +Mr. Mortimer’s Imperialist friends, particularly the +Empress—the Emperor was then dead. To my surprise Mr. +Mortimer not only adhered to his resolution but suggested the +propriety of my taking M. Rochefort’s late lamented journal +as a model for our own. This I flatly declined to do and carried my +point; I was delighted to promise, however, that the new paper +should resemble the old in one particular: it should be +irritatingly disrespectful of existing institutions and exalted +personages.</p> +<p>On the 18th of May, 1874, there was published at the corner of +St. Bride Street and Shoe Lane, E.C., London, the first number of +“<em>The Lantern</em>—Appearing Occasionally. +Illuminated by Faustin. Price, sixpence.” It was a +twelve-page paper with four pages of superb illustrations in six +colors. I winced when I contemplated its artistic and mechanical +excellence, for I knew at what a price that <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page352" name="page352"></a>[pg 352]</span>quality +had been obtained. A gold mine would be required to maintain that +journal, and that journal could by no means ever be itself a gold +mine. A copy lies before me as I write and noting it critically I +cannot help thinking that the illuminated title-page of this +pioneer in the field of chromatic journalism is the finest thing of +the kind that ever came from a press.</p> +<p>Of the literary contents I am less qualified for judgment, +inasmuch as I wrote every line in the paper. It may perhaps be said +without immodesty that the new “candidate for popular +favor” was not distinguished by servile flattery of the +British character and meek subservience to the British Government, +as might perhaps be inferred from the following extract from an +article on General Sir Garnet Wolseley, who had just received the +thanks of his Sovereign and a munificent reward from Parliament for +his successful plundering expedition through Ashantee:</p> +<p>“We feel a comfortable sense of satisfaction in the +thought that <em>The Lantern</em> will never fail to shed the light +of its loyal approval upon any unworthy act by which our country +shall secure an adequate and permanent <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page353" name="page353"></a>[pg 353]</span>advantage. When the +great heart of England is stirred by quick cupidity to profitable +crime, far be it from us to lift our palms in deprecation. In the +wrangle for existence nations, equally with individuals, work by +diverse means to a common end—the spoiling of the weak; and +when by whatever of outrage we have pushed a feeble competitor to +the wall, in Heaven’s name let us pin him fast and relieve +his pockets of the material good to which, in bestowing it upon +him, the bountiful Lord has invited our thieving hand. But these +Ashantee women were not worth garroting. Their fal-lals, precious +to them, are worthless to us; the entire loot fetched only +£11,000—of which sum the man who brought home the +trinkets took a little more than four halves. We submit that with +practiced agents in every corner of the world and a watchful +government at home this great commercial nation might dispose of +its honor to better advantage.”</p> +<p>With the candor of repentance it may now be confessed that, +however unscrupulous it may be abroad, a government which tolerates +this kind of criticism cannot rightly be charged with tyranny at +home.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page354" name="page354"></a>[pg +354]</span>By way (as I supposed) of gratitude to M. Rochefort for +the use of the title of his defunct journal it had been suggested +by Mr. Mortimer that he be given a little wholesome admonition here +and there in the paper and I had cheerfully complied. M. Rochefort +had escaped from New Caledonia some months before. A disagreeable +cartoon was devised for his discomfort and he received a number of +such delicate attentions as that following, which in the issue of +July 15th greeted him on his arrival in England along with his +distinguished compatriot, M. Pascal Grousset:</p> +<p>“M. Rochefort is a gentleman who has lost his standing. +There have been greater falls than his. Kings before now have +become servitors, honest men bandits, thieves communists. +Insignificant in his fortunes as in his abilities, M. Rochefort, +who was never very high, is not now very low—he has avoided +the falsehood of extremes: never quite a count, he is now but half +a convict. Having missed the eminence that would have given him +calumniation, he is also denied the obscurity that would bring +misconstruction. He is not even a <em>miserable</em>; he is a +person. It is curious to note how persistently this man has +perverted <span class="pagenum"><a id="page355" name= +"page355"></a>[pg 355]</span>his gifts. With talents that might +have corrupted panegyric, he preferred to refine detraction; fitted +to disgrace the <em>salon</em>, he has elected to adorn the cell; +the qualities that would have endeared him to a blackguard he has +wasted upon Pascal Grousset.</p> +<p>“As we write, it is reported that this person is in +England. It is further affirmed that it is his intention to proceed +to Belgium or Switzerland to fight certain journalists who have not +had the courtesy to suppress the truth about him, though he never +told it of them. We presume, however, this rumor is false; M. +Rochefort must retain enough of the knowledge he acquired when he +was esteemed a gentleman to be aware that a meeting between him and +a journalist is now impossible. This is the more to be regretted, +because M. Paul de Cassagnac would have much pleasure in taking M. +Rochefort’s life and we in lamenting his fall.</p> +<p>“M. Rochefort, we believe, is already suffering from an +unhealed wound. It is his mouth.”</p> +<p>There was a good deal of such “scurril jesting” in +the paper, especially in a department called “Prattle.” +There were verses <span class="pagenum"><a id="page356" name= +"page356"></a>[pg 356]</span>on all manner of subjects—mostly +the nobility and their works and ways, from the viewpoint of +disapproval—and epigrams, generally ill-humorous, like the +following, headed “<em>Novum Organum</em>”:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“In Bacon see the culminating prime</p> +<p>Of British intellect and British crime.</p> +<p>He died, and Nature, settling his affairs,</p> +<p>Parted his powers among us, his heirs:</p> +<p>To each a pinch of common-sense, for seed,</p> +<p>And, to develop it, a pinch of greed.</p> +<p>Each frugal heir, to make the gift suffice,</p> +<p>Buries the talent to manure the vice.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>When the first issue of <em>The Lantern</em> appeared I wrote to +Mr. Mortimer, again urging him to modify his plans and alter the +character of the journal. He replied that it suited him as it was +and he would let me know when to prepare “copy” for the +second number. That eventually appeared on July 15th. I never was +instructed to prepare any more copy, and there has been, I believe, +no further issue of that interesting sheet as yet.</p> +<p>Taking a retrospective view of this singular venture in +journalism, one day, the explanation of the whole matter came to my +understanding in the light of a revelation, and was confirmed later +by Mr. Mortimer.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page357" name="page357"></a>[pg +357]</span>In the days when Napoleon III was at the zenith of his +glory and power there was a thorn in his side. It was the pen of M. +Henri Rochefort, le Comte de Luçay, journalist and +communard. Despite fines, “suppressions,” and +imprisonments, this gifted writer and unscrupulous blackguard had, +as every one knows, made incessant war upon the Empire and all its +<em>personnel</em>. The bitter and unfair attacks of his paper, +<em>La Lanterne</em>, made life at the Tuilleries exceedingly +uncomfortable. His rancor against the Empress was something +horrible, and went to the length of denying the legitimacy of the +Prince Imperial. His existence was a menace and a terror to the +illustrious lady, even when she was in exile at Chiselhurst and he +in confinement on the distant island of New Caledonia. When the +news of his escape from that penal colony arrived at Chiselhurst +the widowed Empress was in despair; and when, on his way to +England, he announced his intention of reviving <em>La +Lanterne</em> in London (of course he dared not cross the borders +of France) she was utterly prostrated by the fear of his pitiless +animosity. But what could she do? Not prevent the revival of his +dreadful newspaper, certainly, but—well, she could send for +Mr. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page358" name="page358"></a>[pg +358]</span>Mortimer. That ingenious gentleman was not long at a +loss for an expedient that would accomplish what was possible. He +shut Rochefort out of London by forestalling him. At the very time +when Mortimer was asking me to suggest a suitable name for the new +satirical journal he had already registered at Stationers’ +Hall—that is to say, copyrighted—the title of <em>The +Lantern</em>, a precaution which M. Rochefort’s French +friends had neglected to take, although they had expended thousands +of pounds in a plant for their venture. Mr. Mortimer cruelly +permitted them to go on with their costly preparations, and the +first intimation they had that the field was occupied came from the +newsdealers selling <em>The Lantern</em>. After some futile +attempts at relief and redress, M. Rochefort took himself off and +set up his paper in Belgium.</p> +<p>The expenses of <em>The Lantern</em>—including a generous +<em>douceur</em> to myself—were all defrayed by the Empress. +She was the sole owner of it and, I was gratified to learn, took so +lively an interest in her venture that a special French edition was +printed for her private reading. I was told that she especially +enjoyed the articles on M. le Comte de Luçay, though I dare +say some of the delicate <span class="pagenum"><a id="page359" +name="page359"></a>[pg 359]</span>subtleties of their literary +style were lost in translation.</p> +<p>Being in London later in the year, I received through Mortimer +an invitation to visit the poor lady, <em>en famille</em>, at +Chiselhurst; but as the iron rules of imperial etiquette, even in +exile, required that the hospitable request be made in the form of +a “command,” my republican independence took alarm and +I had the incivility to disobey; and I still think it a sufficient +distinction to be probably the only American journalist who was +ever employed by an Empress in so congenial a pursuit as the +pursuit of another journalist.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page360" name="page360"></a>[pg +360]</span></p> +<h3><a id="plains" name="plains">Across the Plains</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>That noted pioneer, General John Bidwell, of California, once +made a longish step up the western slope of our American Parnassus +by an account of his journey “across the plains” seven +years before the lamented Mr. Marshall had found the least and +worst of all possible reasons for making the “trek.” +General Bidwell had not the distinction to be a great writer, but +in order to command admiration and respect in that province of the +Republic of Letters which lies in the Sacramento Valley above the +mouth of the Yuba the gift of writing greatly is a needless +endowment. Nevertheless I read his narrative with an interest which +on analysis turns out to be a by-product of personal experience: +among my youthful indiscretions was a journey over much of the same +ground, which I took in much the same way—as did many +thousands before and after.</p> +<p>It was a far cry from 1841 to 1866, yet the country between the +Missouri River and the Sierra Nevada had not greatly improved: +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page361" name="page361"></a>[pg +361]</span>civilization had halted at the river, awaiting +transportation. A railroad had set out from Omaha westward, and +another at Sacramento was solemnly considering the impossible +suggestion of going eastward to meet it. There were lunatics in +those days, as there are in these. I left the one road a few miles +out of the Nebraskan village and met the other at Dutch Flat, in +California.</p> +<p>Waste no compassion on the loneliness of my journey: a thriving +colony of Mormons had planted itself in the valley of Salt Lake and +there were “forts” at a few points along the way, where +ambitious young army officers passed the best years of their lives +guarding live stock and teaching the mysteries of Hardee’s +tactics to that alien patriot, the American regular. There was a +dusty wagon road, bordered with bones—not always those of +animals—with an occasional mound, sometimes dignified with a +warped and rotting head-board bearing an illegible inscription. +(One inscription not entirely illegible is said to have concluded +with this touching tribute to the worth of the departed: “He +was a good egg.” Another was: “He done his +damnedest”) In other particulars the “Great American +Desert” of our fathers was very <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page362" name="page362"></a>[pg 362]</span>like what it was when +General Bidwell’s party traversed it with that hereditary +instinct, that delicacy of spiritual nose which served the Western +man of that day in place of a map and guide-book. Westward the +course of empire had taken its way, but excepting these poor +vestiges it had for some fifteen hundred miles left no trace of its +march. The Indian of the plains had as yet seen little to unsettle +his assurance of everlasting dominion. Of the slender lines of +metal creeping slowly toward him from East and West he knew little; +and had he known more, how could he have foreseen their momentous +effect upon his “ancient solitary reign”?</p> +<p>I remember very well, as so many must, some of the marked +features of the route that General Bidwell mentions. One of the +most imposing of these is Court House Rock, near the North Platte. +Surely no object of such dignity ever had a more belittling +name—given it in good faith no doubt by some untraveled wight +whose county court-house was the most “reverend pile” +of which he had any conception. It should have been called the +Titan’s Castle. What a gracious memory I have of the pomp and +splendor of its aspect, with the crimson glories of the setting sun +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page363" name="page363"></a>[pg +363]</span>fringing its outlines, illuminating its western walls +like the glow of Mammon’s fires for the witches’ revel +in the Hartz, and flung like banners from its crest!</p> +<p>I suppose Court House Rock is familiar enough and commonplace +enough to the dwellers in that land (riparian tribes once infesting +the low lands of Ohio and Indiana and the flats of Iowa), but to +me, tipsy with youth, full-fed on Mayne Reid’s romances, and +now first entering the enchanted region that he so charmingly lied +about, it was a revelation and a dream. I wish that anything in the +heavens, on the earth, or in the waters under the earth would give +me now such an emotion as I experienced in the shadow of that +“great rock in a weary land.”</p> +<p>I was not a pilgrim, but an engineer <em>attaché</em> to +an expedition through Dakota and Montana, to inspect some new +military posts. The expedition consisted, where the Indians +preserved the peace, of the late General W.B. Hazen, myself, a cook +and a teamster; elsewhere we had an escort of cavalry. My duty, as +I was given to understand it, was to amuse the general and other +large game, make myself as comfortable as possible without too much +discomfort to others, and when in an unknown <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page364" name="page364"></a>[pg 364]</span>country +survey and map our route for the benefit of those who might come +after. The posts which the general was to inspect had recently been +established along a military road, one end of which was at the +North Platte and the other—there was no other end; up about +Fort C.F. Smith at the foot of the Big-Horn Mountains the road +became a buffalo trail and was lost in the weeds. But it was a +useful road, for by leaving it before going too far one could reach +a place near the headwaters of the Yellowstone, where the National +Park is now.</p> +<p>By a master stroke of military humor we were ordered to return +(to Washington) via Salt Lake City, San Francisco and Panama. I +obeyed until I got as far as San Francisco, where, finding myself +appointed to a second lieutenancy in the Regular Army, ingratitude, +more strong than traitors’ arms, quite vanquished me: I +resigned, parted from Hazen more in sorrow than in anger and +remained in California.</p> +<p>I have thought since that this may have been a youthful error: +the Government probably meant no harm, and if I had served long +enough I might have become a captain. In time, if I lived, I should +naturally have become <span class="pagenum"><a id="page365" name= +"page365"></a>[pg 365]</span>the senior captain of the Army; and +then if there were another war and any of the field officers did me +the favor to paunch a bullet I should become the junior major, +certain of another step upward as soon as a number of my superiors +equal to the whole number of majors should be killed, resign or die +of old age—enchanting prospect! But I am getting a long way +off the trail.</p> +<p>It was near Fort C.F. Smith that we found our first buffaloes, +and abundant they were. We had to guard our camp at night with fire +and sword to keep them from biting us as they grazed. Actually one +of them half-scalped a teamster as he lay dreaming of home with his +long fair hair commingled with the toothsome grass. His utterances +as the well-meaning beast lifted him from the ground and tried to +shake the earth from his roots were neither wise nor sweet, but +they made a profound impression on the herd, which, arching its +multitude of tails, absented itself to pastures new like an army +with banners.</p> +<p>At Fort C.F. Smith we parted with our <em>impedimenta</em>, and +with an escort of about two dozen cavalrymen and a few pack animals +struck out on horseback through an unexplored country northwest for +old Fort Benton, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page366" name= +"page366"></a>[pg 366]</span>on the upper Missouri. The journey was +not without its perils. Our only guide was my compass; we knew +nothing of the natural obstacles that we must encounter; the +Indians were on the warpath, and our course led us through the very +heart of their country. Luckily for us they were gathering their +clans into one great army for a descent upon the posts that we had +left behind; a little later some three thousand of them moved upon +Fort Phil Kearney, lured a force of ninety men and officers outside +and slaughtered them to the last man. This was one of the posts +that we had inspected, and the officers killed had hospitably +entertained us.</p> +<p>In that lively and interesting book, “Indian Fights and +Fighters,” Dr. Cyrus Townsend Brady says of this +“outpost of civilization”:</p> +<p>“The most careful watchfulness was necessary at all hours +of the day and night. The wood trains to fetch logs to the sawmills +were heavily guarded. There was fighting all the time. Casualties +among the men were by no means rare. At first it was difficult to +keep men within the limits of the camp; but stragglers who failed +to return, and some who had been cut off, scalped and left for +dead, but <span class="pagenum"><a id="page367" name= +"page367"></a>[pg 367]</span>who had crawled back to die, convinced +every one of the wisdom of the commanding officer’s repeated +orders and cautions. To chronicle the constant succession of petty +skirmishes would be wearisome; yet they often resulted in torture +and loss of life on the part of the soldiers, although the Indians +in most instances suffered the more severely.”</p> +<p>In a footnote the author relates this characteristic instance of +the Government’s inability to understand: “Just when +the alarms were most frequent a messenger came to the headquarters, +announcing that a train <em>en route</em> from Fort Laramie, with +special messengers from that post, was corraled by Indians, and +demanded immediate help. An entire company of infantry in wagons, +with a mountain howitzer and several rounds of grapeshot, was +hastened to their relief. It proved to be a train with mail from +the Laramie Commission, announcing the confirmation of a +‘satisfactory treaty of peace with all the Indians of the +Northwest,’ and assuring the district commander of the fact. +The messenger was brought in in safety, and <em>peace</em> lasted +until his message was delivered. So much was gained—that the +messenger did not lose his scalp.”</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page368" name="page368"></a>[pg +368]</span>Through this interesting environment our expeditionary +force of four men had moved to the relief of the beleaguered post, +but finding it impossible to “raise the siege” +had—with a score of troopers—pushed on to Fort C.F. +Smith, and thence into the Unknown.</p> +<p>The first part of this new journey was well enough; there were +game and water. Where we swam the Yellowstone we had an abundance +of both, for the entire river valley, two or three miles wide, was +dotted with elk. There were hundreds. As we advanced they became +scarce; buffalo became scarce; bear, deer, rabbits, sage-hens, even +prairie dogs gave out, and we were near starving. Water gave out +too, and starvation was a welcome state: our hunger was so much +less disagreeable than our thirst that it was a real treat.</p> +<p>However, we got to Benton, Heaven knows how and why, but we were +a sorry-looking lot, though our scalps were intact. If in all that +region there is a mountain that I have not climbed, a river that I +have not swum, an alkali pool that I have not thrust my muzzle +into, or an Indian that I have not shuddered to think about, I am +ready to go back in a Pullman sleeper and do my duty.</p> +<p>From Fort Benton we came down through <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page369" name="page369"></a>[pg 369]</span>Helena +and Virginia City, Montana—then new mining camps—to +Salt Lake, thence westward to California. Our last bivouac was on +the old camp of the Donner party, where, in the flickering lights +and dancing shadows made by our camp-fire, I first heard the story +of that awful winter, and in the fragrance of the meat upon the +coals fancied I could detect something significantly uncanny. The +meat which the Donner party had cooked at that spot was not quite +like ours. Pardon: I mean it was not like that which we cooked.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page370" name="page370"></a>[pg +370]</span></p> +<h3><a id="mirage" name="mirage">The Mirage</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Since the overland railways have long been carrying many +thousands of persons across the elevated plateaus of the continent +the mirage in many of its customary aspects has become pretty well +known to great numbers of persons all over the Union, and the tales +of early observers who came “der blains agross” are +received with a less frigid inhospitality than they formerly were +by incredulous pioneers who had come “der Horn +aroundt,” as the illustrious Hans Breitmann phrases it; but +in its rarer and more marvelous manifestations, the mirage is still +a rock upon which many a reputation for veracity is wrecked +remediless. With an ambition intrepidly to brave this disaster, and +possibly share it with the hundreds of devoted souls whose +disregard of the injunction never to tell an incredible truth has +branded them as hardy and impenitent liars, I purpose to note here +a few of the more remarkable illusions by which my own sense of +sight has been befooled by the freaks of the enchanter.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page371" name="page371"></a>[pg +371]</span>It is apart from my purpose to explain the mirage +scientifically, and not altogether in my power. Every schoolboy can +do so, I suppose, to the satisfaction of his teacher if the teacher +has not himself seen the phenomenon, or has seen it only in the +broken, feeble and evanescent phases familiar to the overland +passenger; but for my part I am unable to understand how the simple +causes affirmed in the text-books sufficiently account for the +infinite variety and complexity of some of the effects said to be +produced by them. But of this the reader shall judge for +himself.</p> +<p>One summer morning in the upper North Platte country I rose from +my blankets, performed the pious acts of sun-worship by yawning +toward the east, kicked together the parted embers of my camp-fire, +and bethought me of water for my ablutions. We had gone into +bivouac late in the night on the open plain, and without any clear +notion of where we were. There were a half-dozen of us, our chief +on a tour of inspection of the new military posts in Wyoming. I +accompanied the expedition as surveyor. Having an aspiration for +water I naturally looked about to see what might be the prospect of +obtaining it, and to my surprise and delight <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page372" name="page372"></a>[pg 372]</span>saw a +long line of willows, apparently some three hundred yards away. +Willows implied water, and snatching up a camp-kettle I started +forward without taking the trouble to put on my coat and hat. For +the first mile or two I preserved a certain cheerful hopefulness; +but when the sun had risen farther toward the meridian and began to +affect my bare head most uncomfortably, and the picketed horses at +the camp were hull down on the horizon in the rear, and the willows +in front increased their pace out of all proportion to mine, I +began to grow discouraged and sat down on a stone to wish myself +back. Perceiving that the willows also had halted for breath I +determined to make a dash at them, leaving the camp-kettle behind +to make its way back to camp as best it could. I was now traveling +“flying light,” and had no doubt of my ability to +overtake the enemy, which had, however, disappeared over the crest +of a low sandhill. Ascending this I was treated to a surprise. +Right ahead of me lay a barren waste of sand extending to the right +and left as far as I could see. Its width in the direction that I +was going I judged to be about twenty miles. On its farther border +the cactus plain began again, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page373" +name="page373"></a>[pg 373]</span>sloping gradually upward to the +horizon, along which was a fringe of cedar trees—the willows +of my vision! In that country a cedar will not grow within thirty +miles of water if it knows it.</p> +<p>On my return journey I coldly ignored the appeals of the +camp-kettle, and when I met the rescuing party which had been for +some hours trailing me made no allusion to the real purpose of my +excursion. When the chief asked if I purposed to enter a plea of +temporary insanity I replied that I would reserve my defense for +the present; and in fact I never did disclose it until now.</p> +<p>I had afterward the satisfaction of seeing the chief, an +experienced plainsman, consume a full hour, rifle in hand, working +round to the leeward of a dead coyote in the sure and certain hope +of bagging a sleeping buffalo. Mirage or no mirage, you must not +too implicitly trust your eyes in the fantastic atmosphere of the +high plains.</p> +<p>I remember that one forenoon I looked forward to the base of the +Big Horn Mountains and selected a most engaging nook for the +night’s camp. My good opinion of it was confirmed when we +reached it three days later. The deception in this instance was due +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page374" name="page374"></a>[pg +374]</span>to nothing but the marvelous lucidity of the atmosphere +and the absence of objects of known dimensions, and these sources +of error are sometimes sufficient of themselves to produce the most +incredible illusions. When they are in alliance with the mirage the +combination’s pranks are bewildering.</p> +<p>One of the most grotesque and least comfortable of my +experiences with the magicians of the air occurred near the forks +of the Platte. There had been a tremendous thunder-storm, lasting +all night. In the morning my party set forward over the soaken +prairie under a cloudless sky intensely blue. I was riding in +advance, absorbed in thought, when I was suddenly roused to a sense +of material things by exclamations of astonishment and apprehension +from the men behind. Looking forward, I beheld a truly terrifying +spectacle. Immediately in front, at a distance, apparently, of not +more than a quarter-mile, was a long line of the most formidable +looking monsters that the imagination ever conceived. They were +taller than trees. In them the elements of nature seemed so +fantastically and discordantly confused and blended, compounded, +too, with architectural and mechanical details, that they partook +of the triple <span class="pagenum"><a id="page375" name= +"page375"></a>[pg 375]</span>character of animals, houses and +machines. Legs they had, that an army of elephants could have +marched among; bodies that ships might have sailed beneath; heads +about which eagles might have delighted to soar, and +ears—they were singularly well gifted with ears. But wheels +also they were endowed with, and vast sides of blank wall; the +wheels as large as the ring of a circus, the walls white and high +as cliffs of chalk along an English coast. Among them, on them, +beneath, in and a part of them, were figures and fragments of +figures of gigantic men. All were inextricably interblended and +superposed—a man’s head and shoulders blazoned on the +side of an animal; a wheel with legs for spokes rolling along the +creature’s back; a vast section of wall, having no contact +with the earth, but (with a tail hanging from its rear, like a note +of admiration) moving along the line, obscuring here an anatomical +horror and disclosing there a mechanical nightmare. In short, this +appalling procession, which was crossing our road with astonishing +rapidity, seemed made up of unassigned and unassorted units, out of +which some imaginative god might be about to create a world of +giants, ready supplied with some of the appliances <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page376" name="page376"></a>[pg 376]</span>of a +high civilization. Yet the whole apparition had so shadowy and +spectral a look that the terror it inspired was itself vague and +indefinite, like the terror of a dream. It affected our horses as +well as ourselves; they extended their necks and threw forward +their ears. For some moments we sat in our saddles surveying the +hideous and extravagant spectacle without a word, and our tongues +were loosened only when it began rapidly to diminish and recede, +and at last was resolved into a train of mules and wagons, barely +visible on the horizon. They were miles away and outlined against +the blue sky.</p> +<p>I then remembered what my astonishment had not permitted me +closely to note—that this pageant had appeared to move along +parallel to the foot of a slope extending upward and backward to an +immense height, intersected with rivers and presenting all the +features of a prairie landscape. The mirage had in effect +contracted the entire space between us and the train to a +pistol-shot in breadth, and had made a background for its horrible +picture by lifting into view Heaven knows how great an extent of +country below our horizon. Does refraction account for all this? To +this day I cannot without vexation <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page377" name="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span>remember the childish +astonishment that prevented me from observing the really +interesting features of the spectacle and kept my eyes fixed with a +foolish distension on a lot of distorted mules, teamsters and +wagons.</p> +<p>One of the commonest and best known tricks of the mirage is that +of overlaying a dry landscape with ponds and lakes, and by a truly +interesting and appropriate coincidence one or more travelers +perishing of thirst seem always to be present, properly to +appreciate the humor of the deception; but when a gentleman whose +narrative suggested this article averred that he had seen these +illusory lakes navigated by phantom boats filled with visionary +persons he was, I daresay, thought to be drawing the long bow, even +by many miragists in good standing. For aught I know he may have +been. I can only attest the entirely credible character of the +statement.</p> +<p>Away up at the headwaters of the Missouri, near the British +possessions, I found myself one afternoon rather unexpectedly on +the shore of an ocean. At less than a gunshot from where I stood +was as plainly defined a seabeach as one could wish to see. The eye +could follow it in either direction, with <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page378" name="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span>all its +bays, inlets and promontories, to the horizon. The sea was studded +with islands, and these with tall trees of many kinds, both islands +and trees being reflected in the water with absolute fidelity. On +many of the islands were houses, showing white beneath the trees, +and on one which lay farthest out seaward was a considerable city, +with towers, domes and clusters of steeples. There were ships in +the offing whose sails glistened in the sunlight and, closer in, +several boats of novel but graceful design, crowded with human +figures, moved smoothly among the lesser islands, impelled by some +power invisible from my point of view, each boat attended by its +inverted reflection “crowding up beneath the keel.” It +must be admitted that the voyagers were habited after a somewhat +uncommon fashion—almost unearthly, I may say—and were +so grouped that at my distance I could not clearly distinguish +their individual limbs and attitudes. Their features were, of +course, entirely invisible. None the less, they were plainly human +beings—what other creatures would be boating? Of the other +features of the scene—the coast, islands, trees, houses, city +and ships hull-down in the offing—I distinctly affirm an +absolute identity of visible aspect <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page379" name="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span>with those to which we +are accustomed in the realm of reality; imagination had simply +nothing to do with the matter. True, I had not recently had the +advantage of seeing any such objects, except trees, and these had +been mighty poor specimens, but, like Macduff, I “could not +but remember such things were,” nor had I forgotten how they +looked.</p> +<p>Of course I was not for an instant deceived by all this: I knew +that under it all lay a particularly forbidding and inhospitable +expanse of sagebrush and cactus, peopled with nothing more nearly +akin to me than prairie dogs, ground owls and jackass +rabbits—that with these exceptions the desert was as desolate +as the environment of Ozymandias’ “vast and trunkless +legs of stone.” But as a show it was surely the most +enchanting that human eyes had ever looked on, and after more years +than I care to count it remains one of memory’s most precious +possessions. The one thing which always somewhat impairs the +illusion in such instances—the absence of the horizon +water-line—did not greatly abate the <em>vraisemblance</em> +in this, for the large island in the distance nearly closed the +view seaward, and the ships occupied most of the remaining space. I +had but to fancy a slight haze on the farther <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page380" name="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span>water, +and all was right and regular. For more than a half-hour this +charming picture remained intact; then ugly patches of plain began +to show through, the islands with their palms and temples slowly +dissolved, the boats foundered with every soul on board, the sea +drifted over the headlands in a most unwaterlike way, and inside +the hour since,</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes</p> +<p class="i2">He stared at the Pacific, and all his men</p> +<p>Looked at each other with a wild surmise,</p> +<p class="i2">Silent upon a peak in Darien,</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>I had discovered this unknown sea all this insubstantial pageant +had faded like the baseless fabric of the vision that it was and +left not a rack behind.</p> +<p>In some of its minor manifestations the mirage is sometimes seen +on the western coast of our continent, in the bay of San Francisco, +for example, causing no small surprise to the untraveled and unread +observer, and no small pain to the spirits of purer fire who are +fated to be caught within earshot and hear him pronounce it a +“mirridge.” I have seen Goat Island without visible +means of support and Red Rock suspended in mid-air like the coffin +of the Prophet. Looking up toward Mare <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page381" name="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span>Island one most +ungracious morning when a barbarous norther had purged the air of +every stain and the human soul of every virtue, I saw San Pablo Bay +margined with cliffs whose altitude must have exceeded considerably +that from whose dizzy verge old eyeless Gloster, falling in a heap +at his own feet, supposed himself to have sailed like a stone.</p> +<p>One more instance and “I’ve done, i’ +faith.” Gliding along down the Hudson River one hot summer +afternoon in a steamboat, I went out on the afterguard for a breath +of fresh air, but there was none to be had. The surface of the +river was like oil and the steamer’s hull slipped through it +with surprisingly little disturbance. Her tremor was for once +hardly perceptible; the beating of her paddles was subdued to an +almost inaudible rhythm. The air seemed what we call +“hollow” and had apparently hardly enough tenuity to +convey sounds. Everywhere on the surface of the glassy stream were +visible undulations of heat, and the light steam of evaporation lay +along the sluggish water and hung like a veil between the eye and +the bank. Seated in an armchair and overcome by the heat and the +droning of some prosy passengers near by, I <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page382" name="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span>fell +asleep. When I awoke the guards were crowded with passengers in a +high state of excitement, pointing and craning shoreward. Looking +in the same direction I saw, through the haze, the sharp outlines +of a city in gray silhouette. Roofs, spires, pinnacles, chimneys, +angles of wall—all were there, cleanly cut out against the +air.</p> +<p>“What is it?” I cried, springing to my feet.</p> +<p>“That, sir,” replied a passenger stolidly, “is +Poughkeepsie.”</p> +<p>It was.</p> +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page383" name="page383"></a>[pg +383]</span></p> +<h3><a id="survivor" name="survivor">A Sole Survivor</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Among the arts and sciences, the art of Sole Surviving is one of +the most interesting, as (to the artist) it is by far the most +important. It is not altogether an art, perhaps, for success in it +is largely due to accident. One may study how solely to survive, +yet, having an imperfect natural aptitude, may fail of proficiency +and be early cut off. To the contrary, one little skilled in its +methods, and not even well grounded in its fundamental principles, +may, by taking the trouble to have been born with a suitable +constitution, attain to a considerable eminence in the art. Without +undue immodesty, I think I may fairly claim some distinction in it +myself, although I have not regularly acquired it as one acquires +knowledge and skill in writing, painting and playing the flute. O +yes, I am a notable Sole Survivor, and some of my work in that way +attracts great attention, mostly my own.</p> +<p>You would naturally expect, then, to find in me one who has +experienced all manner of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page384" +name="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span>disaster at sea and the several +kinds of calamity incident to a life on dry land. It would seem a +just inference from my Sole Survivorship that I am familiar with +railroad wrecks, inundations (though these are hardly dry-land +phenomena), pestilences, earthquakes, conflagrations and other +forms of what the reporters delight to call “a +holocaust.” This is not entirely true; I have never been +shipwrecked, never assisted as “unfortunate sufferer” +at a fire or railway collision, and know of the ravages of +epidemics only by hearsay. The most destructive <em>temblor</em> of +which I have had a personal experience decreased the population of +San Francisco by fewer, probably, than ten thousand persons, of +whom not more than a dozen were killed; the others moved out of +town. It is true that I once followed the perilous trade of a +soldier, but my eminence in Sole Surviving is of a later growth and +not specially the product of the sword.</p> +<p>Opening the portfolio of memory, I draw out picture after +picture—“figure-pieces”—groups of forms and +faces whereof mine only now remains, somewhat the worse for +wear.</p> +<p>Here are three young men lolling at ease on a grassy bank. One, +a handsome, dark-eyed chap, with a forehead like that of a Grecian +god, raises his body on his elbow, looks <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page385" name="page385"></a>[pg +385]</span>straight away to the horizon, where some black trees +hold captive certain vestiges of sunset as if they had torn away +the plumage of a flight of flamingoes, and says: “Fellows, I +mean to be rich. I shall see every country worth seeing. I shall +taste every pleasure worth having. When old, I shall become a +hermit.”</p> +<p>Said another slender youth, fair-haired: “I shall become +President and execute a <em>coup d’etat</em> making myself an +absolute monarch. I shall then issue a decree requiring that all +hermits be put to death.”</p> +<p>The third said nothing. Was he restrained by some prescient +sense of the perishable nature of the material upon which he was +expected to inscribe the record of his hopes? However it may have +been, he flicked his shoe with a hazel switch and kept his own +counsel. For twenty years he has been the Sole Survivor of the +group.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The scene changes. Six men are on horseback on a hill—a +general and his staff. Below, in the gray fog of a winter morning, +an army, which has left its intrenchments, is moving upon those of +the enemy—creeping silently into position. In an hour the +whole wide valley for miles to left and right will be all aroar +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page386" name="page386"></a>[pg +386]</span>with musketry stricken to seeming silence now and again +by thunder claps of big guns. In the meantime the risen sun has +burned a way through the fog, splendoring a part of the beleaguered +city.</p> +<p>“Look at that, General,” says an aide; “it is +like enchantment.”</p> +<p>“Go and enchant Colonel Post,” said the general, +without taking his field-glass from his eyes, “and tell him +to pitch in as soon as he hears Smith’s guns.”</p> +<p>All laughed. But to-day I laugh alone. I am the Sole +Survivor.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It would be easy to fill many pages with instances of Sole +Survival, from my own experience. I could mention extinct groups +composed wholly (myself excepted) of the opposing sex, all of whom, +with the same exception, have long ceased their opposition, their +warfare accomplished, their pretty noses blue and chill under the +daisies. They were good girls, too, mostly, Heaven rest them! There +were Maud and Lizzie and Nanette (ah, Nanette, indeed; she is the +deadest of the whole bright band) and Emeline and—but really +this is not discreet; one should not survive and tell.</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page387" name="page387"></a>[pg +387]</span>The flame of a camp-fire stands up tall and straight +toward the black sky. We feed it constantly with sage brush. A +circling wall of darkness closes us in; but turn your back to the +fire and walk a little away and you shall see the serrated +summit-line of snow-capped mountains, ghastly cold in the +moonlight. They are in all directions; everywhere they efface the +great gold stars near the horizon, leaving the little green ones of +the mid-heaven trembling viciously, as bleak as steel. At irregular +intervals we hear the distant howling of a wolf—now on this +side and again on that. We check our talk to listen; we cast quick +glances toward our weapons, our saddles, our picketed horses: the +wolves may be of the variety known as Sioux, and there are but four +of us.</p> +<p>“What would you do, Jim,” said Hazen, “if we +were surrounded by Indians?”</p> +<p>Jim Beckwourth was our guide—a life-long frontiersman, an +old man “beated and chopped with tanned antiquity.” He +had at one time been a chief of the Crows.</p> +<p>“I’d spit on that fire,” said Jim +Beckwourth.</p> +<p>The old man has gone, I hope, where there is no fire to be +quenched. And Hazen, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page388" +name="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span>the chap with whom I shared my +blanket that winter night on the plains—both gone. One might +suppose that I would feel something of the natural exultation of a +Sole Survivor; but as Byron found that</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">our thoughts take wildest flight</p> +<p>Even at the moment when they should array</p> +<p>Themselves in pensive order,</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>so I find that they sometimes array themselves in pensive order, +even at the moment when they ought to be most hilarious.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Of reminiscences there is no end. I have a vast store of them +laid up, wherewith to wile away the tedious years of my +anecdotage—whenever it shall please Heaven to make me old. +Some years that I passed in London as a working journalist are +particularly rich in them. Ah! “we were a gallant +company” in those days.</p> +<p>I am told that the English are heavy thinkers and dull talkers. +My recollection is different; speaking from that, I should say they +are no end clever with their tongues. Certainly I have not +elsewhere heard such brilliant talk as among the artists and +writers of London. Of course they were a picked lot; some of them +had attained to some eminence <span class="pagenum"><a id="page389" +name="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span>in the world of intellect; others +have achieved it since. But they were not all English by many. +London draws the best brains of Ireland and Scotland, and there is +always a small American contingent, mostly correspondents of the +big New York journals.</p> +<p>The typical London journalist is a gentleman. He is usually a +graduate of one or the other of the great universities. He is well +paid and holds his position, whatever it may be, by a less +precarious tenure than his American congener. He rather moves than +“dabbles” in literature, and not uncommonly takes a +hand at some of the many forms of art. On the whole, he is a good +fellow, too, with a skeptical mind, a cynical tongue, and a warm +heart. I found these men agreeable, hospitable, intelligent, +amusing. We worked too hard, dined too well, frequented too many +clubs, and went to bed too late in the forenoon. We were overmuch +addicted to shedding the blood of the grape. In short, we +diligently, conscientiously, and with a perverse satisfaction +burned the candle of life at both ends and in the middle.</p> +<p>This was many a year ago. To-day a list of these men’s +names with a cross against that of each one whom I know to be dead +would look like a Roman Catholic cemetery. I <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page390" name="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span>could +dine all the survivors at the table on which I write, and I should +like to do so. But the dead ones, I must say, were the best +diners.</p> +<p>But about Sole Surviving. There was a London publisher named +John Camden Hotten. Among American writers he had a pretty dark +reputation as a “pirate.” They accused him of +republishing their books without their assent, which, in absence of +international copyright, he had a legal, and it seems to me (a +“sufferer”) a moral right to do. Through sympathy with +their foreign confrères British writers also held him in +high disesteem.</p> +<p>I knew Hotten very well, and one day I stood by what purported +to be his body, which afterward I assisted to bury in the cemetery +at Highgate. I am sure that it was his body, for I was uncommonly +careful in the matter of identification, for a very good reason, +which you shall know.</p> +<p>Aside from his “piracy,” Hotten had a wide renown as +“a hard man to deal with.” For several months before +his death he had owed me one hundred pounds sterling, and he could +not possibly have been more reluctant to part with anything but a +larger sum. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page391" name= +"page391"></a>[pg 391]</span>Even to this day in reviewing the +intelligent methods—ranging from delicate finesse to frank +effrontery—by which that good man kept me out of mine own I +am prostrated with admiration and consumed with envy. Finally by a +lucky chance I got him at a disadvantage and seeing my power he +sent his manager—a fellow named Chatto, who as a member of +the firm of Chatto & Windus afterward succeeded to his business +and methods—to negotiate. I was the most implacable creditor +in the United Kingdom, and after two mortal hours of me in my most +acidulated mood Chatto pulled out a check for the full amount, +ready signed by Hotten in anticipation of defeat. Before handing it +to me Chatto said: “This check is dated next Saturday. Of +course you will not present it until then.”</p> +<p>To this I cheerfully consented.</p> +<p>“And now,” said Chatto, rising to go, “as +everything is satisfactory I hope you will go out to Hotten’s +house and have a friendly talk. It is his wish.”</p> +<p>On Saturday morning I went. In pursuance, doubtless, of his +design when he antedated that check he had died of a pork pie +promptly on the stroke of twelve o’clock the <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page392" name="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span>night +before—which invalidated the check! I have met American +publishers who thought they knew something about the business of +drinking champagne out of writers’ skulls. If this +narrative—which, upon my soul, is every word +true—teaches them humility by showing that genuine commercial +sagacity is not bounded by geographical lines it will have served +its purpose.</p> +<p>Having assured myself that Mr. Hotten was really no more, I +drove furiously bank-ward, hoping that the sad tidings had not +preceded me—and they had not.</p> +<p>Alas! on the route was a certain tap-room greatly frequented by +authors, artists, newspaper men and “gentlemen of wit and +pleasure about town.”</p> +<p>Sitting about the customary table were a half-dozen or more +choice spirits—George Augustus Sala, Henry Sampson, Tom Hood +the younger, Captain Mayne Reid, and others less known to fame. I +am sorry to say my somber news affected these sinners in a way that +was shocking. Their levity was a thing to shudder at. As Sir Boyle +Roche might have said, it grated harshly upon an ear that had a +dubious check in its pocket. Having uttered their hilarious minds +by word of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page393" name= +"page393"></a>[pg 393]</span>mouth all they knew how, these hardy +and impenitent offenders set about writing “appropriate +epitaphs.” Thank Heaven, all but one of these have escaped my +memory, one that I wrote myself. At the close of the rites, several +hours later, I resumed my movement against the bank. Too +late—the old, old story of the hare and the tortoise was told +again. The “heavy news” had overtaken and passed me as +I loitered by the wayside.</p> +<p>All attended the funeral—Sala, Sampson, Hood, Reid, and +the undistinguished others, including this present Sole Survivor of +the group. As each cast his handful of earth upon the coffin I am +very sure that, like Lord Brougham on a somewhat similar occasion, +we all felt more than we cared to express. On the death of a +political antagonist whom he had not treated with much +consideration his lordship was asked, rather rudely, “Have +you no regrets now that he is gone?”</p> +<p>After a moment of thoughtful silence he replied, with gravity, +“Yes; I favor his return.”</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One night in the summer of 1880 I was driving in a light wagon +through the wildest part of the Black Hills in South Dakota. I +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page394" name="page394"></a>[pg +394]</span>had left Deadwood and was well on my way to Rockerville +with thirty thousand dollars on my person, belonging to a mining +company of which I was the general manager. Naturally, I had taken +the precaution to telegraph my secretary at Rockerville to meet me +at Rapid City, then a small town, on another route; the telegram +was intended to mislead the “gentlemen of the road” +whom I knew to be watching my movements, and who might possibly +have a confederate in the telegraph office. Beside me on the seat +of the wagon sat Boone May.</p> +<p>Permit me to explain the situation. Several months before, it +had been the custom to send a “treasure-coach” twice a +week from Deadwood to Sidney, Nebraska. Also, it had been the +custom to have this coach captured and plundered by “road +agents.” So intolerable had this practice become—even +iron-clad coaches loopholed for rifles proving a vain +device—that the mine owners had adopted the more practicable +plan of importing from California a half-dozen of the most famous +“shotgun messengers” of Wells, Fargo & +Co.—fearless and trusty fellows with an instinct for killing, +a readiness of resource that was an intuition, and a sense of +direction that put <span class="pagenum"><a id="page395" name= +"page395"></a>[pg 395]</span>a shot where it would do the most good +more accurately than the most careful aim. Their feats of +marksmanship were so incredible that seeing was scarcely +believing.</p> +<p>In a few weeks these chaps had put the road agents out of +business and out of life, for they attacked them wherever found. +One sunny Sunday morning two of them strolling down a street of +Deadwood recognized five or six of the rascals, ran back to their +hotel for their rifles, and returning killed them all!</p> +<p>Boone May was one of these avengers. When I employed him, as a +messenger, he was under indictment for murder. He had trailed a +“road agent” across, the Bad Lands for hundreds of +miles, brought him back to within a few miles of Deadwood and +picketed him out for the night. The desperate man, tied as he was, +had attempted to escape, and May found it expedient to shoot and +bury him. The grave by the roadside is perhaps still pointed out to +the curious. May gave himself up, was formally charged with murder, +released on his own recognizance, and I had to give him leave of +absence to go to court and be acquitted. Some of the New York +directors of my company having been good enough to signify their +disapproval of my action in employing <span class="pagenum"><a id= +"page396" name="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span>“such a +man,” I could do no less than make some recognition of their +dissent, and thenceforth he was borne upon the pay-rolls as +“Boone May, Murderer.” Now let me get back to my +story.</p> +<p>I knew the road fairly well, for I had previously traveled it by +night, on horseback, my pockets bulging with currency and my free +hand holding a cocked revolver the entire distance of fifty miles. +To make the journey by wagon with a companion was luxury. Still, +the drizzle of rain was uncomfortable. May sat hunched up beside +me, a rubber poncho over his shoulders and a Winchester rifle in +its leathern case between his knees. I thought him a trifle off his +guard, but said nothing. The road, barely visible, was rocky, the +wagon rattled, and alongside ran a roaring stream. Suddenly we +heard through it all the clinking of a horse’s shoes directly +behind, and simultaneously the short, sharp words of authority: +“Throw up your hands!”</p> +<p>With an involuntary jerk at the reins I brought my team to its +haunches and reached for my revolver. Quite needless: with the +quickest movement that I had ever seen in anything but a +cat—almost before the words were out of the horseman’s +mouth—May had <span class="pagenum"><a id="page397" name= +"page397"></a>[pg 397]</span>thrown himself backward across the +back of the seat, face upward, and the muzzle of his rifle was +within a yard of the fellow’s breast! What further occurred +among the three of us there in the gloom of the forest has, I +fancy, never been accurately related.</p> +<p>Boone May is long dead of yellow fever in Brazil, and I am the +Sole Survivor.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was a famous <em>prima donna</em> with whom it was my good +fortune to cross the Atlantic to New York. In truth I was charged +by a friend of both with the agreeable duty of caring for her +safety and comfort. Madame was gracious, clever, altogether +charming, and before the voyage was two days old a half-dozen of +the men aboard, whom she had permitted me to present, were heels +over head in love with her, as I was myself.</p> +<p>Our competition for her favor did not make us enemies; on the +contrary we were drawn together into something like an offensive +and defensive alliance by a common sorrow—the successful +rivalry of a singularly handsome Italian who sat next her at table. +So assiduous was he in his attentions that my office as the +lady’s guide, philosopher and friend was nearly a sinecure, +and as to the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page398" name= +"page398"></a>[pg 398]</span>others, they had hardly one chance a +day to prove their devotion: that enterprising son of Italy +dominated the entire situation. By some diabolical prevision he +anticipated Madame’s every need and wish—placed her +reclining-chair in the most sheltered spots on deck, smothered her +in layer upon layer of wraps, and conducted himself, generally, in +the most inconsiderate way. Worse still, Madame accepted his good +offices with a shameless grace “which said as plain as +whisper in the ear” that there was a perfect understanding +between them. What made it harder to bear was the fellow’s +faulty civility to the rest of us; he seemed hardly aware of our +existence.</p> +<p>Our indignation was not loud, but deep. Every day in the +smoking-room we contrived the most ingenious and monstrous, plans +for his undoing in this world and the next; the least cruel being a +project to lure him to the upper deck on a dark night and send him +unshriven to his account by way of the lee rail; but as none of us +knew enough Italian to tell him the needful falsehood that scheme +of justice came to nothing, as did all the others. At the wharf in +New York we parted from Madame more in sorrow than in anger, and +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page399" name="page399"></a>[pg +399]</span>from her conquering cavalier with polite manifestations +of the contempt we did not feel.</p> +<p>That evening I called on her at her hotel, facing Union Square. +Soon after my arrival there was an audible commotion out in front: +the populace, headed by a brass band and incited, doubtless, by +pure love of art, had arrived to do honor to the great singer. +There was music—a serenade—followed by shoutings of the +lady’s name. She seemed a trifle nervous, but I led her to +the balcony, where she made a very pretty little speech, piquant +with her most charming accent. When the tumult and shouting had +died we re-entered her apartment to resume our conversation. Would +it please monsieur to have a glass, of wine? It would. She left the +room for a moment; then came the wine and glasses on a tray, borne +by that impossible Italian! He had a napkin across his arm—he +was a servant.</p> +<p>Barring some of the band and the populace, I am doubtless the +Sole Survivor, for Madame has for a number of years had a permanent +engagement Above, and my faith in Divine Justice does not permit me +to think that the servile wretch who cast down the mighty from +their seat among the Sons of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page400" +name="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span>Hope was suffered to live out the +other half of his days.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A dinner of seven in an old London tavern—a good dinner, +the memory whereof is not yet effaced from the tablets of the +palate. A soup, a plate of white-bait be-lemoned and red-peppered +with exactness, a huge joint of roast beef, from which we sliced at +will, flanked by various bottles of old dry Sherry and crusty +Port—such Port! (And we are expected to be patriots in a +country where it cannot be procured! And the Portuguese are +expected to love the country which, having it, sends it away!) That +was the dinner—there was Stilton cheese; it were shameful not +to mention the Stilton. Good, wholesome, and toothsome it was, rich +and nutty. The Stilton that we get here, clouted in tin-foil, is +monstrous poor stuff, hardly better than our American sort. After +dinner there were walnuts and coffee and cigars. I cannot say much +for the cigars; they are not over-good in England: too long at sea, +I suppose.</p> +<p>On the whole, it was a memorable dinner. Even its non-essential +features were satisfactory. The waiter was fascinatingly solemn, +the floor snowily sanded, the company sufficiently <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page401" name="page401"></a>[pg +401]</span>distinguished in literature and art for me to keep track +of them through the newspapers. They are dead—as dead as +Queen Anne, every mother’s son of them! I am in my favorite +rôle of Sole Survivor. It has become habitual to me; I rather +like it.</p> +<p>Of the company were two eminent gastronomes—call them +Messrs. Guttle and Swig—who so acridly hated each other that +nothing but a good dinner could bring them under the same roof. +(They had had a quarrel, I think, about the merit of a certain +Amontillado—which, by the way, one insisted, despite Edgar +Allan Poe, who certainly knew too much of whiskey to know much of +wine, <em>is</em> a Sherry.) After the cloth had been removed and +the coffee, walnuts and cigars brought in, the company stood, and +to an air extemporaneously composed by Guttle, sang the following +shocking and reprehensible song, which had been written during the +proceedings by this present Sole Survivor. It will serve as fitly +to conclude this feast of unreason as it did that:</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a id="page402" name="page402"></a>[pg +402]</span></p> +<h5>THE SONG</h5> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Jack Satan’s the greatest of gods,</p> +<p class="i2">And Hell is the best of abodes.</p> +<p>’Tis reached through the Valley of Clods</p> +<p class="i2">By seventy beautiful roads.</p> +<p>Hurrah for the Seventy Roads!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the clods that resound</p> +<p class="i2">With a hollow, thundering sound!</p> +<p>Hurrah for the Best of Abodes!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>We’ll serve him as long as we’ve breath—</p> +<p class="i2">Jack Satan, the greatest of gods.</p> +<p>To all of his enemies, death!—</p> +<p class="i2">A home in the Valley of Clods.</p> +<p>Hurrah for the thunder of clods</p> +<p class="i2">That smother the souls of his foes!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the spirit that goes</p> +<p>To dwell with the Greatest of Gods!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce +by Ambrose Bierce + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS OF BIERCE *** + +***** This file should be named 13541-h.htm or 13541-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/5/4/13541/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce + +Author: Ambrose Bierce + +Release Date: September 27, 2004 [EBook #13541] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS OF BIERCE *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +THE COLLECTED WORKS OF + + + +AMBROSE BIERCE + + + +VOLUME 1 + +1909 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + +THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW + THITHER + SONS OF THE FAIR STAR + AN INTERVIEW WITH GNARMAG-ZOTE + THE TAMTONIANS + MAROONED ON UG + THE DOG IN GANGEWAG + A CONFLAGRATION IN GHARGAROO + AN EXECUTION IN BATRUGIA + THE JUMJUM OF GOKEETLE-GUK + THE KINGDOM OF TORTIRRA + HITHER + +FOR THE AHKOOND + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + +BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY + ON A MOUNTAIN + WHAT I SAW OF SHILOH + A LITTLE OF CHICKAMAUCA + THE CRIME AT PICKETT'S MILL + FOUR DAYS IN DIXIE + WHAT OCCURRED AT FRANKLIN + 'WAY DOWN IN ALABAM' + WORKING FOR AN EMPRESS + ACROSS THE PLAINS + THE MIRAGE + A SOLE SURVIVOR + + + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + + + + +ASHES OF THE BEACON + +AN HISTORICAL MONOGRAPH WRITTEN IN 4930 + + +Of the many causes that conspired to bring about the lamentable failure of +"self-government" in ancient America the most general and comprehensive +was, of course, the impracticable nature of the system itself. In the +light of modern culture, and instructed by history, we readily discern the +folly of those crude ideas upon which the ancient Americans based what +they knew as "republican institutions," and maintained, as long as +maintenance was possible, with something of a religious fervor, even when +the results were visibly disastrous. To us of to-day it is clear that the +word "self-government" involves a contradiction, for government means +control by something other than the thing to be controlled. When the thing +governed is the same as the thing governing there is no government, though +for a time there may be, as in the case under consideration there was, a +considerable degree of forbearance, giving a misleading appearance of +public order. This, however, soon must, as in fact it soon did, pass away +with the delusion that gave it birth. The habit of obedience to written +law, inculcated by generations of respect for actual government able to +enforce its authority, will persist for a long time, with an ever +lessening power upon the imagination of the people; but there comes a time +when the tradition is forgotten and the delusion exhausted. When men +perceive that nothing is restraining them but their consent to be +restrained, then at last there is nothing to obstruct the free play of +that selfishness which is the dominant characteristic and fundamental +motive of human nature and human action respectively. Politics, which may +have had something of the character of a contest of principles, becomes a +struggle of interests, and its methods are frankly serviceable to personal +and class advantage. Patriotism and respect for law pass like a tale that +is told. Anarchy, no longer disguised as "government by consent," reveals +his hidden hand, and in the words of our greatest living poet, + + lets the curtain fall, + And universal darkness buries all! + +The ancient Americans were a composite people; their blood was a blend of +all the strains known in their time. Their government, while they had one, +being merely a loose and mutable expression of the desires and caprices of +the majority--that is to say, of the ignorant, restless and reckless--gave +the freest rein and play to all the primal instincts and elemental +passions of the race. In so far and for so long as it had any restraining +force, it was only the restraint of the present over the power of the +past--that of a new habit over an old and insistent tendency ever seeking +expression in large liberties and indulgences impatient of control. In the +history of that unhappy people, therefore, we see unveiled the workings of +the human will in its most lawless state, without fear of authority or +care of consequence. Nothing could be more instructive. + +Of the American form of government, although itself the greatest of evils +afflicting the victims of those that it entailed, but little needs to be +said here; it has perished from the earth, a system discredited by an +unbroken record of failure in all parts of the world, from the earliest +historic times to its final extinction. Of living students of political +history not one professes to see in it anything but a mischievous creation +of theorists and visionaries--persons whom our gracious sovereign has +deigned to brand for the world's contempt as "dupes of hope purveying to +sons of greed." The political philosopher of to-day is spared the trouble +of pointing out the fallacies of republican government, as the +mathematician is spared that of demonstrating the absurdity of the +convergence of parallel lines; yet the ancient Americans not only clung to +their error with a blind, unquestioning faith, even when groaning under +its most insupportable burdens, but seem to have believed it of divine +origin. It was thought by them to have been established by the god +Washington, whose worship, with that of such _dii minores_ as Gufferson, +Jaxon and Lincon (identical probably with the Hebru Abrem) runs like a +shining thread through all the warp and woof of the stuff that garmented +their moral nakedness. Some stones, very curiously inscribed in many +tongues, were found by the explorer Droyhors in the wilderness bordering +the river Bhitt (supposed by him to be the ancient Potomac) as lately as +the reign of Barukam IV. These stones appear to be fragments of a monument +or temple erected to the glory of Washington in his divine character of +Founder and Preserver of republican institutions. If this tutelary deity +of the ancient Americans really invented representative government they +were not the first by many to whom he imparted the malign secret of its +inauguration and denied that of its maintenance. + +Although many of the causes which finally, in combination, brought about +the downfall of the great American republic were in operation from the +beginning--being, as has been said, inherent in the system--it was not +until the year 1995 (as the ancients for some reason not now known +reckoned time) that the collapse of the vast, formless fabric was +complete. In that year the defeat and massacre of the last army of law and +order in the lava beds of California extinguished the final fires of +enlightened patriotism and quenched in blood the monarchical revival. +Thenceforth armed opposition to anarchy was confined to desultory and +insignificant warfare waged by small gangs of mercenaries in the service +of wealthy individuals and equally feeble bands of prescripts fighting for +their lives. In that year, too, "the Three Presidents" were driven from +their capitals, Cincinnati, New Orleans and Duluth, their armies +dissolving by desertion and themselves meeting death at the hands of the +populace. + +The turbulent period between 1920 and 1995, with its incalculable waste of +blood and treasure, its dreadful conflicts of armies and more dreadful +massacres by passionate mobs, its kaleidoscopic changes of government and +incessant effacement and redrawing of boundaries of states, its +interminable tale of political assassinations and proscriptions--all the +horrors incident to intestinal wars of a naturally lawless race--had so +exhausted and dispirited the surviving protagonists of legitimate +government that they could make no further head against the inevitable, +and were glad indeed and most fortunate to accept life on any terms that +they could obtain. + +But the purpose of this sketch is not bald narration of historic fact, but +examination of antecedent germinal conditions; not to recount calamitous +events familiar to students of that faulty civilization, but to trace, as +well as the meager record will permit, the genesis and development of the +causes that brought them about. Historians in our time have left little +undone in the matter of narration of political and military phenomena. In +Golpek's "Decline and Fall of the American Republics," in Soseby's +"History of Political Fallacies," in Holobom's "Monarchical Renasence," +and notably in Gunkux's immortal work, "The Rise, Progress, Failure and +Extinction of The Connected States of America" the fruits of research have +been garnered, a considerable harvest. The events are set forth with such +conscientiousness and particularity as to have exhausted the possibilities +of narration. It remains only to expound causes and point the awful moral. + +To a delinquent observation it may seem needless to point out the inherent +defects of a system of government which the logic of events has swept like +political rubbish from the face of the earth, but we must not forget that +ages before the inception of the American republics and that of France and +Ireland this form of government had been discredited by emphatic failures +among the most enlightened and powerful nations of antiquity: the Greeks, +the Romans, and long before them (as we now know) the Egyptians and the +Chinese. To the lesson of these failures the founders of the eighteenth +and nineteenth century republics were blind and deaf. Have we then reason +to believe that our posterity will be wiser because instructed by a +greater number of examples? And is the number of examples which they will +have in memory really greater? Already the instances of China, Egypt, +Greece and Rome are almost lost in the mists of antiquity; they are known, +except by infrequent report, to the archaeologist only, and but dimly and +uncertainly to him. The brief and imperfect record of yesterdays which we +call History is like that traveling vine of India which, taking new root +as it advances, decays at one end while it grows at the other, and so is +constantly perishing and finally lost in all the spaces which it has +over-passed. + +From the few and precious writings that have descended to us from the +early period of the American republic we get a clear if fragmentary view +of the disorders and lawlessness affecting that strange and unhappy +nation. Leaving the historically famous "labor troubles" for more extended +consideration, we may summarize here a few of the results of hardly more +than a century and a quarter of "self-government" as it existed on this +continent just previously to the awful end. At the beginning of the +"twentieth century" a careful study by trustworthy contemporary +statisticians of the public records and those apparently private ones +known as "newspapers" showed that in a population of about 80,000,000 the +annual number of homicides was not less than 10,000; and this continued +year after year to increase, not only absolutely, but proportionately, +until, in the words of Dumbleshaw, who is thought to have written his +famous "Memoirs of a Survivor" in the year 1908 of their era, "it would +seem that the practice of suicide is a needless custom, for if a man but +have patience his neighbor is sure to put him out of his misery." Of the +10,000 assassins less than three per cent. were punished, further than by +incidental imprisonment if unable to give bail while awaiting trial. If +the chief end of government is the citizen's security of life and his +protection from aggression, what kind of government do these appalling +figures disclose? Yet so infatuated with their imaginary "liberty" were +these singular people that the contemplation of all this crime abated +nothing of the volume and persistence of their patriotic ululations, and +affected not their faith in the perfection of their system. They were like +a man standing on a rock already submerged by the rising tide, and calling +to his neighbors on adjacent cliffs to observe his superior security. + +When three men engage in an undertaking in which they have an equal +interest, and in the direction of which they have equal power, it +necessarily results that any action approved by two of them, with or +without the assent of the third, will be taken. This is called--or was +called when it was an accepted principle in political and other +affairs--"the rule of the majority." Evidently, under the malign +conditions supposed, it is the only practicable plan of getting anything +done. A and B rule and overrule C, not because they ought, but because +they can; not because they are wiser, but because they are stronger. In +order to avoid a conflict in which he is sure to be worsted, C submits as +soon as the vote is taken. C is as likely to be right as A and B; nay, +that eminent ancient philosopher, Professor Richard A. Proctor (or +Proroctor, as the learned now spell the name), has clearly shown by the +law of probabilities that any one of the three, all being of the same +intelligence, is far likelier to be right than the other two. + +It is thus that the "rule of the majority" as a political system is +established. It is in essence nothing but the discredited and +discreditable principle that "might makes right"; but early in the life of +a republic this essential character of government by majority is not seen. +The habit of submitting all questions of policy to the arbitrament of +counting noses and assenting without question to the result invests the +ordeal with a seeming sanctity, and what was at first obeyed as the +command of power comes to be revered as the oracle of wisdom. The +innumerable instances--such as the famous ones of Galileo and Keeley--in +which one man has been right and all the rest of the race wrong, are +overlooked, or their significance missed, and "public opinion" is followed +as a divine and infallible guide through every bog into which it blindly +stumbles and over every precipice in its fortuitous path. Clearly, sooner +or later will be encountered a bog that will smother or a precipice that +will crush. Thoroughly to apprehend the absurdity of the ancient faith in +the wisdom of majorities let the loyal reader try to fancy our gracious +Sovereign by any possibility wrong, or his unanimous Ministry by any +possibility right! + +During the latter half of the "nineteenth century" there arose in the +Connected States a political element opposed to all government, which +frankly declared its object to be anarchy. This astonishing heresy was not +of indigenous growth: its seeds were imported from Europe by the +emigration or banishment thence of criminals congenitally incapable of +understanding and valuing the blessings of monarchical institutions, and +whose method of protest was murder. The governments against which they +conspired in their native lands were too strong in authority and too +enlightened in policy for them to overthrow. Hundreds of them were put to +death, thousands imprisoned and sent into exile. But in America, whither +those who escaped fled for safety, they found conditions entirely +favorable to the prosecution of their designs. + +A revered fetish of the Americans was "freedom of speech": it was believed +that if bad men were permitted to proclaim their evil wishes they would go +no further in the direction of executing them--that if they might say what +they would like to do they would not care to do it. The close relation +between speech and action was not understood. Because the Americans +themselves had long been accustomed, in their own political debates and +discussions, to the use of unmeaning declamations and threats which they +had no intention of executing, they reasoned that others were like them, +and attributed to the menaces of these desperate and earnest outcasts no +greater importance than to their own. They thought also that the foreign +anarchists, having exchanged the tyranny of kings for that of majorities, +would be content with their new and better lot and become in time good and +law-abiding citizens. + +The anarchist of that far day (thanks to the firm hands of our gracious +sovereigns the species is now extinct) was a very different person from +what our infatuated ancestors imagined him. He struck at government, not +because it was bad, but because it was government. He hated authority, not +for its tyranny, but for its power. And in order to make this plain to +observation he frequently chose his victim from amongst those whose rule +was most conspicuously benign. + +Of the seven early Presidents of the American republic who perished by +assassination no fewer than four were slain by anarchists with no personal +wrongs to impel them to the deed--nothing but an implacable hostility to +law and authority. The fifth victim, indeed, was a notorious demagogue who +had pardoned the assassin of the fourth. + +The field of the anarchist's greatest activity was always a republic, not +only to emphasize his impartial hatred of all government, but because of +the inherent feebleness of that form of government, its inability to +protect itself against any kind of aggression by any considerable number +of its people having a common malevolent purpose. In a republic the crust +that confined the fires of violence and sedition was thinnest. + +No improvement in the fortunes of the original anarchists through +immigration to what was then called the New World would have made them +good citizens. From centuries of secret war against particular forms of +authority in their own countries they had inherited a bitter antagonism to +all authority, even the most beneficent. In their new home they were worse +than in their old. In the sunshine of opportunity the rank and sickly +growth of their perverted natures became hardy, vigorous, bore fruit. They +surrounded themselves with proselytes from the ranks of the idle, the +vicious, the unsuccessful. They stimulated and organized discontent. Every +one of them became a center of moral and political contagion. To those as +yet unprepared to accept anarchy was offered the milder dogma of +Socialism, and to those even weaker in the faith something vaguely called +Reform. Each was initiated into that degree to which the induration of his +conscience and the character of his discontent made him eligible, and in +which he could be most serviceable, the body of the people still cheating +themselves with the false sense of security begotten of the belief that +they were somehow exempt from the operation of all agencies inimical to +their national welfare and integrity. Human nature, they thought, was +different in the West from what it was in the East: in the New World the +old causes would not have the old effects: a republic had some inherent +vitality of its own, entirely independent of any action intended to keep +it alive. They felt that words and phrases had some talismanic power, and +charmed themselves asleep by repeating "liberty," "all men equal before +the law," "dictates of conscience," "free speech" and all manner of such +incantation to exorcise the spirits of the night. And when they could no +longer close their eyes to the dangers environing them; when they saw at +last that what they had mistaken for the magic power of their form of +government and its assured security was really its radical weakness and +subjective peril--they found their laws inadequate to repression of the +enemy, the enemy too strong to permit the enactment of adequate laws. The +belief that a malcontent armed with freedom of speech, a newspaper, a vote +and a rifle is less dangerous than a malcontent with a still tongue in his +head, empty hands and under police surveillance was abandoned, but all too +late. From its fatuous dream the nation was awakened by the noise of arms, +the shrieks of women and the red glare of burning cities. + +Beginning with the slaughter at St. Louis on a night in the year 1920, +when no fewer than twenty-two thousand citizens were slain in the streets +and half the city destroyed, massacre followed massacre with frightful +rapidity. New York fell in the month following, many thousands of its +inhabitants escaping fire and sword only to be driven into the bay and +drowned, "the roaring of the water in their ears," says Bardeal, +"augmented by the hoarse clamor of their red-handed pursuers, whose +blood-thirst was unsated by the sea." A week later Washington was +destroyed, with all its public buildings and archives; the President and +his Ministry were slain, Congress was dispersed, and an unknown number of +officials and private citizens perished. Of all the principal cities only +Chicago and San Francisco escaped. The people of the former were all +anarchists and the latter was valorously and successfully defended by the +Chinese. + +The urban anarchists were eventually subdued and some semblance of order +was restored, but greater woes and sharper shames awaited this unhappy +nation, as we shall see. + +In turning from this branch of our subject to consider the causes of the +failure and bloody disruption of the great American republic other than +those inherent in the form of government, it may not be altogether +unprofitable to glance briefly at what seems to a superficial view the +inconsistent phenomenon of great material prosperity. It is not to be +denied that this unfortunate people was at one time singularly prosperous, +in so far as national wealth is a measure and proof of prosperity. Among +nations it was the richest nation. But at how great a sacrifice of better +things was its wealth obtained! By the neglect of all education except +that crude, elementary sort which fits men for the coarse delights of +business and affairs but confers no capacity of rational enjoyment; by +exalting the worth of wealth and making it the test and touchstone of +merit; by ignoring art, scorning literature and despising science, except +as these might contribute to the glutting of the purse; by setting up and +maintaining an artificial standard of morals which condoned all offenses +against the property and peace of every one but the condoner; by +pitilessly crushing out of their natures every sentiment and aspiration +unconnected with accumulation of property, these civilized savages and +commercial barbarians attained their sordid end. Before they had rounded +the first half-century of their existence as a nation they had sunk so low +in the scale of morality that it was considered nothing discreditable to +take the hand and even visit the house of a man who had grown rich by +means notoriously corrupt and dishonorable; and Harley declares that even +the editors and writers of newspapers, after fiercely assailing such men +in their journals, would be seen "hobnobbing" with them in public places. +(The nature of the social ceremony named the "hobnob" is not now +understood, but it is known that it was a sign of amity and favor.) When +men or nations devote all the powers of their minds and bodies to the +heaping up of wealth, wealth is heaped up. But what avails it? It may not +be amiss to quote here the words of one of the greatest of the ancients +whose works--fragmentary, alas--have come down to us. + +"Wealth has accumulated itself into masses; and poverty, also in +accumulation enough, lies impassably separated from it; opposed, +uncommunicating, like forces in positive and negative poles. The gods of +this lower world sit aloft on glittering thrones, less happy than +Epicurus's gods, but as indolent, as impotent; while the boundless living +chaos of ignorance and hunger welters, terrific in its dark fury, under +their feet. How much among us might be likened to a whited sepulcher: +outwardly all pomp and strength, but inwardly full of horror and despair +and dead men's bones! Iron highways, with their wains fire-winged, are +uniting all the ends of the land; quays and moles, with their innumerable +stately fleets, tame the ocean into one pliant bearer of burdens; labor's +thousand arms, of sinew and of metal, all-conquering everywhere, from the +tops of the mount down to the depths of the mine and the caverns of the +sea, ply unweariedly for the service of man; yet man remains unserved. He +has subdued this planet, his habitation and inheritance, yet reaps no +profit from the victory. Sad to look upon: in the highest stage of +civilization nine-tenths of mankind have to struggle in the lowest battle +of savage or even animal man--the battle against famine. Countries are +rich, prosperous in all manner of increase, beyond example; but the men of +these countries are poor, needier than ever of all sustenance, outward and +inward; of belief, of knowledge, of money, of food." + +To this somber picture of American "prosperity" in the nineteenth century +nothing of worth can be added by the most inspired artist. Let us simply +inscribe upon the gloomy canvas the memorable words of an illustrious poet +of the period: + + That country speeds to an untoward fate, + Where men are trivial and gold is great. + +One of the most "sacred" rights of the ancient American was the trial of +an accused person by "a jury of his peers." This, in America, was a right +secured to him by a written constitution. It was almost universally +believed to have had its origin in Magna Carta, a famous document which +certain rebellious noblemen of another country had compelled their +sovereign to sign under a threat of death. That celebrated "bill of +rights" has not all come down to us, but researches of the learned have +made it certain that it contained no mention of trial by jury, which, +indeed, was unknown to its authors. The words _judicium parium_ meant to +them something entirely different--the judgment of the entire community of +freemen. The words and the practice they represented antedated Magna Carta +by many centuries and were common to the Franks and other Germanic +nations, amongst whom a trial "jury" consisted of persons having a +knowledge of the matter to be determined--persons who in later times were +called "witnesses" and rigorously excluded from the seats of judgment. + +It is difficult to conceive a more clumsy and ineffective machinery for +ascertaining truth and doing justice than a jury of twelve men of the +average intelligence, even among ourselves. What, then, must this device +have been among the half-civilized tribes of the Connected States of +America! Nay, the case is worse than that, for it was the practice to +prevent men of even the average intelligence from serving as jurors. +Jurors had to be residents of the locality of the crime charged, and every +crime was made a matter of public notoriety long before the accused was +brought to trial; yet, as a rule, he who had read or talked about the +trial was held disqualified to serve. This in a country where, when a man +who could read was not reading about local crimes he was talking about +them, or if doing neither was doing something worse! + +To the twelve men so chosen the opposing lawyers addressed their +disingenuous pleas and for their consideration the witnesses presented +their carefully rehearsed testimony, most of it false. So unintelligent +were these juries that a great part of the time in every trial was +consumed in keeping from them certain kinds of evidence with which they +could not be trusted; yet the lawyers were permitted to submit to them any +kind of misleading argument that they pleased and fortify it with +innuendoes without relevancy and logic without sense. Appeals to their +passions, their sympathies, their prejudices, were regarded as legitimate +influences and tolerated by the judges on the theory that each side's +offenses would about offset those of the other. In a criminal case it was +expected that the prosecutor would declare repeatedly and in the most +solemn manner his belief in the guilt of the person accused, and that the +attorney for the defense would affirm with equal gravity his conviction of +his client's innocence. How could they impress the jury with a belief +which they did not themselves venture to affirm? It is not recorded that +any lawyer ever rebelled against the iron authority of these conditions +and stood for truth and conscience. They were, indeed, the conditions of +his existence as a lawyer, a fact which they easily persuaded themselves +mitigated the baseness of their obedience to them, or justified it +altogether. + +The judges, as a rule, were no better, for before they could become judges +they must have been advocates, with an advocate's fatal disabilities of +judgment. Most of them depended for their office upon the favor of the +people, which, also, was fatal to the independence, the dignity and the +impartiality to which they laid so solemn claim. In their decisions they +favored, so far as they dared, every interest, class or person powerful +enough to help or hurt them in an election. Holding their high office by +so precarious a tenure, they were under strong temptation to enrich +themselves from the serviceable purses of wealthy litigants, and in +disregard of justice to cultivate the favor of the attorneys practicing +before them, and before whom they might soon be compelled themselves to +practice. + +In the higher courts of the land, where juries were unknown and appointed +judges held their seats for life, these awful conditions did not obtain, +and there Justice might have been content to dwell, and there she actually +did sometimes set her foot. Unfortunately, the great judges had the +consciences of their education. They had crept to place through the slime +of the lower courts and their robes of office bore the damnatory evidence. +Unfortunately, too, the attorneys, the jury habit strong upon them, +brought into the superior tribunals the moral characteristics and +professional methods acquired in the lower. Instead of assisting the +judges to ascertain the truth and the law, they cheated in argument and +took liberties with fact, deceiving the court whenever they deemed it to +the interest of their cause to do so, and as willingly won by a +technicality or a trick as by the justice of their contention and their +ability in supporting it. Altogether, the entire judicial system of the +Connected States of America was inefficient, disreputable, corrupt. + +The result might easily have been foreseen and doubtless was predicted by +patriots whose admonitions have not come down to us. Denied protection of +the law, neither property nor life was safe. Greed filled his coffers from +the meager hoards of Thrift, private vengeance took the place of legal +redress, mad multitudes rioted and slew with virtual immunity from +punishment or blame, and the land was red with crime. + +A singular phenomenon of the time was the immunity of criminal women. +Among the Americans woman held a place unique in the history of nations. +If not actually worshiped as a deity, as some historians, among them the +great Sagab-Joffoy, have affirmed, she was at least regarded with feelings +of veneration which the modern mind has a difficulty in comprehending. +Some degree of compassion for her mental inferiority, some degree of +forbearance toward her infirmities of temper, some degree of immunity for +the offenses which these peculiarities entail--these are common to all +peoples above the grade of barbarians. In ancient America these chivalrous +sentiments found open and lawful expression only in relieving woman of the +burden of participation in political and military service; the laws gave +her no express exemption from responsibility for crime. When she murdered, +she was arrested; when arrested, brought to trial--though the origin and +meaning of those observances are not now known. Gunkux, whose researches +into the jurisprudence of antiquity enable him to speak with commanding +authority of many things, gives us here nothing better than the conjecture +that the trial of women for murder, in the nineteenth century and a part +of the twentieth, was the survival of an earlier custom of actually +convicting and punishing them, but it seems extremely improbable that a +people that once put its female assassins to death would ever have +relinquished the obvious advantages of the practice while retaining with +purposeless tenacity some of its costly preliminary forms. Whatever may +have been the reason, the custom was observed with all the gravity of a +serious intention. Gunkux professes knowledge of one or two instances (he +does not name his authorities) where matters went so far as conviction and +sentence, and adds that the mischievous sentimentalists who had always +lent themselves to the solemn jest by protestations of great +_vraisemblance_ against "the judicial killing of women," became really +alarmed and filled the land with their lamentations. Among the phenomena +of brazen effrontery he classes the fact that some of these loud +protagonists of the right of women to assassinate unpunished were +themselves women! Howbeit, the sentences, if ever pronounced, were never +executed, and during the first quarter of the twentieth century the +meaningless custom of bringing female assassins to trial was abandoned. +What the effect was of their exemption from this considerable +inconvenience we have not the data to conjecture, unless we understand as +an allusion to it some otherwise obscure words of the famous Edward Bok, +the only writer of the period whose work has survived. In his monumental +essay on barbarous penology, entitled "Slapping the Wrist," he couples +"woman's emancipation from the trammels of law" and "man's better prospect +of death" in a way that some have construed as meaning that he regarded +them as cause and effect. It must be said, however, that this +interpretation finds no support in the general character of his writing, +which is exceedingly humane, refined and womanly. + +It has been said that the writings of this great man are the only +surviving work of his period, but of that we are not altogether sure. +There exists a fragment of an anonymous essay on woman's legal +responsibility which many Americologists think belongs to the beginning of +the twentieth century. Certainly it could not have been written later than +the middle of it, for at that time woman had been definitely released from +any responsibility to any law but that of her own will. The essay is an +argument against even such imperfect exemption as she had in its author's +time. + +"It has been urged," the writer says, "that women, being less rational and +more emotional than men, should not be held accountable in the same +degree. To this it may be answered that punishment for crime is not +intended to be retaliatory, but admonitory and deterrent. It is, +therefore, peculiarly necessary to those not easily reached by other forms +of warning and dissuasion. Control of the wayward is not to be sought in +reduction of restraints, but in their multiplication. One who cannot be +curbed by reason may be curbed by fear, a familiar truth which lies at the +foundation of all penological systems. The argument for exemption of women +is equally cogent for exemption of habitual criminals, for they too are +abnormally inaccessible to reason, abnormally disposed to obedience to the +suasion of their unregulated impulses and passions. To free them from the +restraints of the fear of punishment would be a bold innovation which has +as yet found no respectable proponent outside their own class. + +"Very recently this dangerous enlargement of the meaning of the phrase +'emancipation of woman' has been fortified with a strange advocacy by the +female 'champions of their sex.' Their argument runs this way: 'We are +denied a voice in the making of the laws relating to infliction of the +death penalty; it is unjust to hold us to an accountability to which we +have not assented.' Of course this argument is as broad as the entire body +of law; it amounts to nothing less than a demand for general immunity from +all laws, for to none of them has woman's assent been asked or given. But +let us consider this amazing claim with reference only to the proposal in +the service and promotion of which it is now urged: exemption of women +from the death penalty for murder. In the last analysis it is seen to be a +simple demand for compensation. It says: 'You owe us a _solatium_. Since +you deny us the right to vote, you should give us the right to +assassinate. We do not appraise it at so high a valuation as the other +franchise, but we do value it.' + +"Apparently they do: without legal, but with virtual, immunity from +punishment, the women of this country take an average of one thousand +lives annually, nine in ten being the lives of men. Juries of men, incited +and sustained by public opinion, have actually deprived every adult male +American of the right to live. If the death of any man is desired by any +woman for any reason he is without protection. She has only to kill him +and say that he wronged or insulted her. Certain almost incredible recent +instances prove that no woman is too base for immunity, no crime against +life sufficiently rich in all the elements of depravity to compel a +conviction of the assassin, or, if she is convicted and sentenced, her +punishment by the public executioner." + +In this interesting fragment, quoted by Bogul in his "History of an +Extinct Civilization," we learn something of the shame and peril of +American citizenship under institutions which, not having run their +foreordained course to the unhappy end, were still in some degree +supportable. What these institutions became afterward is a familiar story. +It is true that the law of trial by jury was repealed. It had broken down, +but not until it had sapped the whole nation's respect for all law, for +all forms of authority, for order and private virtues. The people whose +rude forefathers in another land it had served roughly to protect against +their tyrants, it had lamentably failed to protect against themselves, and +when in madness they swept it away, it was not as one renouncing an error, +but as one impatient of the truth which the error is still believed to +contain. They flung it away, not as an ineffectual restraint, but as a +restraint; not because it was no longer an instrument of justice for the +determination of truth, but because they feared that it might again become +such. In brief, trial by jury was abolished only when it had provoked +anarchy. + +Before turning to another phase of this ancient civilization I cannot +forbear to relate, after the learned and ingenious Gunkux, the only known +instance of a public irony expressing itself in the sculptor's noble art. +In the ancient city of Hohokus once stood a monument of colossal size and +impressive dignity. It was erected by public subscription to the memory of +a man whose only distinction consisted in a single term of service as a +juror in a famous murder trial, the details of which have not come down to +us. This occupied the court and held public attention for many weeks, +being bitterly contested by both prosecution and defense. When at last it +was given to the jury by the judge in the most celebrated charge that had +ever been delivered from the bench, a ballot was taken at once. The jury +stood eleven for acquittal to one for conviction. And so it stood at every +ballot of the more than fifty that were taken during the fortnight that +the jury was locked up for deliberation. Moreover, the dissenting juror +would not argue the matter; he would listen with patient attention while +his eleven indignant opponents thundered their opinions into his ears, +even when they supported them with threats of personal violence; but not a +word would he say. At last a disagreement was formally entered, the jury +discharged and the obstinate juror chased from the city by the maddened +populace. Despairing of success in another trial and privately admitting +his belief in the prisoner's innocence, the public prosecutor moved for +his release, which the judge ordered with remarks plainly implying his own +belief that the wrong man had been tried. + +Years afterward the accused person died confessing his guilt, and a little +later one of the jurors who had been sworn to try the case admitted that +he had attended the trial on the first day only, having been personated +during the rest of the proceedings by a twin brother, the obstinate +member, who was a deaf-mute. + +The monument to this eminent public servant was overthrown and destroyed +by an earthquake in the year 2342. + +One of the causes of that popular discontent which brought about the +stupendous events resulting in the disruption of the great republic, +historians and archaeologists are agreed in reckoning "insurance." Of the +exact nature of that factor in the problem of the national life of that +distant day we are imperfectly informed; many of its details have perished +from the record, yet its outlines loom large through the mist of ages and +can be traced with greater precision than is possible in many more +important matters. + +In the monumental work of Professor Golunk-Dorsto ("Some Account of the +Insurance Delusion in Ancient America") we have its most considerable +modern exposition; and Gakler's well-known volume, "The Follies of +Antiquity," contains much interesting matter relating to it. From these +and other sources the student of human unreason can reconstruct that +astounding fallacy of insurance as, from three joints of its tail, the +great naturalist Bogramus restored the ancient elephant, from hoof to +horn. + +The game of insurance, as practiced by the ancient Americans (and, as +Gakler conjectures, by some of the tribesmen of Europe), was gambling, +pure and simple, despite the sentimental character that its proponents +sought to impress upon some forms of it for the greater prosperity of +their dealings with its dupes. Essentially, it was a bet between the +insurer and the insured. The number of ways in which the wager was +made--all devised by the insurer--was almost infinite, but in none of them +was there a departure from the intrinsic nature of the transaction as seen +in its simplest, frankest form, which we shall here expound. + +To those unlearned in the economical institutions of antiquity it is +necessary to explain that in ancient America, long prior to the disastrous +Japanese war, individual ownership of property was unrestricted; every +person was permitted to get as much as he was able, and to hold it as his +own without regard to his needs, or whether he made any good use of it or +not. By some plan of distribution not now understood even the habitable +surface of the earth, with the minerals beneath, was parceled out among +the favored few, and there was really no place except at sea where +children of the others could lawfully be born. Upon a part of the dry land +that he had been able to acquire, or had leased from another for the +purpose, a man would build a house worth, say, ten thousand _drusoes_. +(The ancient unit of value was the "dollar," but nothing is now known as +to its actual worth.) Long before the building was complete the owner was +beset by "touts" and "cappers" of the insurance game, who poured into his +ears the most ingenious expositions of the advantages of betting that it +would burn down--for with incredible fatuity the people of that time +continued, generation after generation, to build inflammable habitations. +The persons whom the capper represented--they called themselves an +"insurance company"--stood ready to accept the bet, a fact which seems to +have generated no suspicion in the mind of the house-owner. Theoretically, +of course, if the house did burn payment of the wager would partly or +wholly recoup the winner of the bet for the loss of his house, but in fact +the result of the transaction was commonly very different. For the +privilege of betting that his property would be destroyed by fire the +owner had to pay to the gentleman betting that it would not be, a certain +percentage of its value every year, called a "premium." The amount of this +was determined by the company, which employed statisticians and actuaries +to fix it at such a sum that, according to the law of probabilities, long +before the house was "due to burn," the company would have received more +than the value of it in premiums. In other words, the owner of the house +would himself supply the money to pay his bet, and a good deal more. + +But how, it may be asked, could the company's actuary know that the man's +house would last until he had paid in more than its insured value in +premiums--more, that is to say, than the company would have to pay back? +He could not, but from his statistics he could know how many houses in ten +thousand of that kind burned in their first year, how many in their +second, their third, and so on. That was all that he needed to know, the +house-owners knowing nothing about it. He fixed his rates according to the +facts, and the occasional loss of a bet in an individual instance did not +affect the certainty of a general winning. Like other professional +gamblers, the company expected to lose sometimes, yet knew that in the +long run it _must_ win; which meant that in any special case it would +_probably_ win. With a thousand gambling games open to him in which the +chances were equal, the infatuated dupe chose to "sit into" one where they +were against him! Deceived by the cappers' fairy tales, dazed by the +complex and incomprehensible "calculations" put forth for his undoing, and +having ever in the ear of his imagination the crackle and roar of the +impoverishing flames, he grasped at the hope of beating--in an unwelcome +way, it is true--"the man that kept the table." He must have known for a +certainty that if the company could afford to insure him he could not +afford to let it. He must have known that the whole body of the insured +paid to the insurers more than the insurers paid to them; otherwise the +business could not have been conducted. This they cheerfully admitted; +indeed, they proudly affirmed it. In fact, insurance companies were the +only professional gamblers that had the incredible hardihood to parade +their enormous winnings as an inducement to play against their game. These +winnings ("assets," they called them) proved their ability, they said, to +pay when they lost; and that was indubitably true. What they did not +prove, unfortunately, was the _will_ to pay, which from the imperfect +court records of the period that have come down to us, appears frequently +to have been lacking. Gakler relates that in the instance of the city of +San Francisco (somewhat doubtfully identified by Macronus as the modern +fishing-village of Gharoo) the disinclination of the insurance companies +to pay their bets had the most momentous consequences. + +In the year 1906 San Francisco was totally destroyed by fire. The +conflagration was caused by the friction of a pig scratching itself +against an angle of a wooden building. More than one hundred thousand +persons perished, and the loss of property is estimated by Kobo-Dogarque +at one and a half million _drusoes_. On more than two-thirds of this +enormous sum the insurance companies had laid bets, and the greater part +of it they refused to pay. In justification they pointed out that the deed +performed by the pig was "an act of God," who in the analogous instance of +the express companies had been specifically forbidden to take any action +affecting the interests of parties to a contract, or the result of an +agreed undertaking. + +In the ensuing litigation their attorneys cited two notable precedents. A +few years before the San Francisco disaster, another American city had +experienced a similar one through the upsetting of a lamp by the kick of a +cow. In that case, also, the insurance companies had successfully denied +their liability on the ground that the cow, manifestly incited by some +supernatural power, had unlawfully influenced the result of a wager to +which she was not a party. The companies defendant had contended that the +recourse of the property-owners was against, not them, but the owner of +the cow. In his decision sustaining that view and dismissing the case, a +learned judge (afterward president of one of the defendant companies) had +in the legal phraseology of the period pronounced the action of the cow an +obvious and flagrant instance of unwarrantable intervention. Kobo-Dogarque +believes that this decision was afterward reversed by an appellate court +of contrary political complexion and the companies were compelled to +compromise, but of this there is no record. It is certain that in the San +Francisco case the precedent was urged. + +Another precedent which the companies cited with particular emphasis +related to an unfortunate occurrence at a famous millionaires' club in +London, the capital of the renowned king, John Bui. A gentleman passing in +the street fell in a fit and was carried into the club in convulsions. Two +members promptly made a bet upon his life. A physician who chanced to be +present set to work upon the patient, when one of the members who had laid +the wager came forward and restrained him, saying: "Sir, I beg that you +will attend to your own business. I have my money on that fit." + +Doubtless these two notable precedents did not constitute the entire case +of the defendants in the San Francisco insurance litigation, but the +additional pleas are lost to us. + +Of the many forms of gambling known as insurance that called life +insurance appears to have been the most vicious. In essence it was the +same as fire insurance, marine insurance, accident insurance and so forth, +with an added offensiveness in that it was a betting on human +lives--commonly by the policy-holder on lives that should have been held +most sacred and altogether immune from the taint of traffic. In point of +practical operation this ghastly business was characterized by a more +fierce and flagrant dishonesty than any of its kindred pursuits. To such +lengths of robbery did the managers go that at last the patience of the +public was exhausted and a comparatively trivial occurrence fired the +combustible elements of popular indignation to a white heat in which the +entire insurance business of the country was burned out of existence, +together with all the gamblers who had invented and conducted it. The +president of one of the companies was walking one morning in a street of +New York, when he had the bad luck to step on the tail of a dog and was +bitten in retaliation. Frenzied by the pain of the wound, he gave the +creature a savage kick and it ran howling toward a group of idlers in +front of a grocery store. In ancient America the dog was a sacred animal, +worshiped by all sorts and conditions of tribesmen. The idlers at once +raised a great cry, and setting upon the offender beat him so that he +died. + +Their act was infectious: men, women and children trooped out of their +dwellings by thousands to join them, brandishing whatever weapons they +could snatch, and uttering wild cries of vengeance. This formidable mob +overpowered the police, and marching from one insurance office to another, +successively demolished them all, slew such officers as they could lay +hands on, and chased the fugitive survivors into the sea, "where," says a +quaint chronicle of the time, "they were eaten by their kindred, the +sharks." This carnival of violence continued all the day, and at set of +sun not one person connected with any form of insurance remained alive. + +Ferocious and bloody as was the massacre, it was only the beginning. As +the news of it went blazing and coruscating along the wires by which +intelligence was then conveyed across the country, city after city caught +the contagion. Everywhere, even in the small hamlets and the agricultural +districts, the dupes rose against their dupers. The smoldering resentment +of years burst into flame, and within a week all that was left of +insurance in America was the record of a monstrous and cruel delusion +written in the blood of its promoters. + +A remarkable feature of the crude and primitive civilization of the +Americans was their religion. This was polytheistic, as is that of all +backward peoples, and among their minor deities were their own women. This +has been disputed by respectable authorities, among them Gunkux and the +younger Kekler, but the weight of archaeological testimony is against them, +for, as Sagab-Joffy ingeniously points out, none of less than divine rank +would by even the lowest tribes be given unrestricted license to kill. +Among the Americans woman, as already pointed out, indubitably had that +freedom, and exercised it with terrible effect, a fact which makes the +matter of their religion pertinent to the purpose of this monograph. If +ever an American woman was punished by law for murder of a man no record +of the fact is found; whereas, such American literature as we possess is +full of the most enthusiastic adulation of the impossible virtues and +imaginary graces of the human female. One writer even goes to the length +of affirming that respect for the sex is the foundation of political +stability, the cornerstone of civil and religious liberty! After the +break-up of the republic and the savage intertribal wars that followed, +Gyneolatry was an exhausted cult and woman was relegated to her old state +of benign subjection. + +Unfortunately, we know little of the means of travel in ancient America, +other than the names. It seems to have been done mainly by what were +called "railroads," upon which wealthy associations of men transported +their fellow-citizens in some kind of vehicle at a low speed, seldom +exceeding fifty or sixty miles an hour, as distance and time were then +reckoned--about equal to seven _kaltabs_ a _grillog_. Notwithstanding this +slow movement of the vehicles, the number and fatality of accidents were +incredible. In the Zopetroq Museum of Archaeology is preserved an official +report (found in the excavations made by Droyhors on the supposed site of +Washington) of a Government Commission of the Connected States. From that +document we learn that in the year 1907 of their era the railroads of the +country killed 5,000 persons and wounded 72,286--a mortality which is said +by the commissioners to be twice that of the battle of Gettysburg, +concerning which we know nothing but the name. This was about the annual +average of railroad casualties of the period, and if it provoked comment +it at least led to no reform, for at a later period we find the mortality +even greater. That it was preventable is shown by the fact that in the +same year the railroads of Great Britain, where the speed was greater and +the intervals between vehicles less, killed only one passenger. It was a +difference of government: Great Britain had a government that governed; +America had not. Happily for humanity, the kind of government that does +not govern, self-government, "government of the people, by the people and +for the people" (to use a meaningless paradox of that time) has perished +from the face of the earth. + +An inherent weakness in republican government was that it assumed the +honesty and intelligence of the majority, "the masses," who were neither +honest nor intelligent. It would doubtless have been an excellent +government for a people so good and wise as to need none. In a country +having such a system the leaders, the politicians, must necessarily all be +demagogues, for they can attain to place and power by no other method than +flattery of the people and subserviency to the will of the majority. In +all the ancient American political literature we look in vain for a single +utterance of truth and reason regarding these matters. In none of it is a +hint that the multitude was ignorant and vicious, as we know it to have +been, and as it must necessarily be in any country, to whatever high +average of intelligence and morality the people attain; for "intelligence" +and "morality" are comparative terms, the standard of comparison being the +intelligence and morality of the wisest and best, who must always be the +few. Whatever general advance is made, those not at the head are +behind--are ignorant and immoral according to the new standard, and unfit +to control in the higher and broader policies demanded by the progress +made. Where there is true and general progress the philosopher of +yesterday would be the ignoramus of to-day, the honorable of one +generation the vicious of another. The peasant of our time is incomparably +superior to the statesman of ancient America, yet he is unfit to govern, +for there are others more fit. + +That a body of men can be wiser than its wisest member seems to the modern +understanding so obvious and puerile an error that it is inconceivable +that any people, even the most primitive, could ever have entertained it; +yet we know that in America it was a fixed and steadfast political faith. +The people of that day did not, apparently, attempt to explain how the +additional wisdom was acquired by merely assembling in council, as in +their "legislatures"; they seem to have assumed that it was so, and to +have based their entire governmental system upon that assumption, with +never a suspicion of its fallacy. It is like assuming that a mountain +range is higher than its highest peak. In the words of Golpek, "The early +Americans believed that units of intelligence were addable quantities," or +as Soseby more wittily puts it, "They thought that in a combination of +idiocies they had the secret of sanity." + +The Americans, as has been said, never learned that even among themselves +majorities ruled, not because they ought, but because they could--not +because they were wise, but because they were strong. The count of noses +determined, not the better policy, but the more powerful party. The weaker +submitted, as a rule, for it had to or risk a war in which it would be at +a disadvantage. Yet in all the early years of the republic they seem +honestly to have dignified their submission as "respect for the popular +verdict." They even quoted from the Latin language the sentiment that "the +voice of the people is the voice of God." And this hideous blasphemy was +as glib upon the lips of those who, without change of mind, were defeated +at the polls year after year as upon those of the victors. + +Of course, their government was powerless to restrain any aggression or +encroachment upon the general welfare as soon as a considerable body of +voters had banded together to undertake it. A notable instance has been +recorded by Bamscot in his great work, "Some Evil Civilizations." After +the first of America's great intestinal wars the surviving victors formed +themselves into an organization which seems at first to have been purely +social and benevolent, but afterward fell into the hands of rapacious +politicians who in order to preserve their power corrupted their followers +by distributing among them enormous sums of money exacted from the +government by threats of overturning it. In less than a half century after +the war in which they had served, so great was the fear which they +inspired in whatever party controlled the national treasury that the total +sum of their exactions was no less annually than seventeen million +_prastams_! As Dumbleshaw naively puts it, "having saved their country, +these gallant gentlemen naturally took it for themselves." The eventual +massacre of the remnant of this hardy and impenitent organization by the +labor unions more accustomed to the use of arms is beyond the province of +this monograph to relate. The matter is mentioned at all only because it +is a typical example of the open robbery that marked that period of the +republic's brief and inglorious existence; the Grand Army, as it called +itself, was no worse and no better than scores of other organizations +having no purpose but plunder and no method but menace. A little later +nearly all classes and callings became organized conspiracies, each +seeking an unfair advantage through laws which the party in power had not +the firmness to withhold, nor the party hoping for power the courage to +oppose. The climax of absurdity in this direction was reached in 1918, +when an association of barbers, known as Noblemen of the Razor, procured +from the parliament of the country a law giving it a representative in the +President's Cabinet, and making it a misdemeanor to wear a beard. + +In Soseby's "History of Popular Government" he mentions "a monstrous +political practice known as 'Protection to American Industries.'" Modern +research has not ascertained precisely what it was; it is known rather +from its effects than in its true character, but from what we can learn of +it to-day I am disposed to number it among those malefic agencies +concerned in the destruction of the American republics, particularly the +Connected States, although it appears not to have been peculiar to +"popular government." Some of the contemporary monarchies of Europe were +afflicted with it, but by the divine favor which ever guards a throne its +disastrous effects were averted. "Protection" consisted in a number of +extraordinary expedients, the purposes of which and their relations to one +another cannot with certainty be determined in the present state of our +knowledge. Debrethin and others agree that one feature of it was the +support, by general taxation, of a few favored citizens in public palaces, +where they passed their time in song and dance and all kinds of revelry. +They were not, however, altogether idle, being required out of the sums +bestowed upon them, to employ a certain number of men each in erecting +great piles of stone and pulling them down again, digging holes in the +ground and then filling them with earth, pouring water into casks and then +drawing it off, and so forth. The unhappy laborers were subject to the +most cruel oppressions, but the knowledge that their wages came from the +pockets of those whom their work nowise benefited was so gratifying to +them that nothing could induce them to leave the service of their +heartless employers to engage in lighter and more useful labor. + +Another characteristic of "Protection" was the maintenance at the +principal seaports of "customs-houses," which were strong fortifications +armed with heavy guns for the purpose of destroying or driving away the +trading ships of foreign nations. It was this that caused the Connected +States to be known abroad as the "Hermit Republic," a name of which its +infatuated citizens were strangely proud, although they had themselves +sent armed ships to open the ports of Japan and other Oriental countries +to their own commerce. In their own case, if a foreign ship came empty and +succeeded in evading the fire of the "customs-house," as sometimes +occurred, she was permitted to take away a cargo. + +It is obvious that such a system was distinctly evil, but it must be +confessed our uncertainty regarding the whole matter of "Protection" does +not justify us in assigning it a definite place among the causes of +national decay. That in some way it produced an enormous revenue is +certain, and that the method was dishonest is no less so; for this +revenue--known as a "surplus"--was so abhorred while it lay in the +treasury that all were agreed upon the expediency of getting rid of it, +two great political parties existing for apparently no other purpose than +the patriotic one of taking it out. + +But how, it may be asked, could people so misgoverned get on, even as well +as they did? + +From the records that have come down to us it does not appear that they +got on very well. They were preyed upon by all sorts of political +adventurers, whose power in most instances was limited only by the +contemporaneous power of other political adventurers equally unscrupulous. +A full half of the taxes wrung from them was stolen. Their public lands, +millions of square miles, were parceled out among banded conspirators. +Their roads and the streets of their cities were nearly impassable. Their +public buildings, conceived in abominable taste and representing enormous +sums of money, which never were used in their construction, began to +tumble about the ears of the workmen before they were completed. The most +delicate and important functions of government were intrusted to men with +neither knowledge, heart nor experience, who by their corruption imperiled +the public interest and by their blundering disgraced the national name. +In short, all the train of evils inseparable from government of any kind +beset this unhappy people with tenfold power, together with hundreds of +worse ones peculiar to their own faulty and unnatural system. It was +thought that their institutions would give them peace, yet in the first +three-quarters of a century of their existence they fought three important +wars: one of revenge, one of aggression and one--the bloodiest and most +wasteful known up to that time--among themselves. And before a century and +a half had passed they had the humiliation to see many of their seaport +cities destroyed by the Emperor of Japan in a quarrel which they had +themselves provoked by their greed of Oriental dominion. + +By far the most important factor concerned in bringing about the +dissolution of the republic and the incredible horrors that followed it +was what was known as "the contest between capital and labor." This +momentous struggle began in a rather singular way through an agitation set +afoot by certain ambitious women who preached at first to inattentive and +inhospitable ears, but with ever increasing acceptance, the doctrine of +equality of the sexes, and demanded the "emancipation" of woman. True, +woman was already an object of worship and had, as noted before, the right +to kill. She was treated with profound and sincere deference, because of +certain humble virtues, the product of her secluded life. Men of that time +appear to have felt for women, in addition to religious reverence, a +certain sentiment known as "love." The nature of this feeling is not +clearly known to us, and has been for ages a matter of controversy +evolving more heat than light. This much is plain: it was largely composed +of good will, and had its root in woman's dependence. Perhaps it had +something of the character of the benevolence with which we regard our +slaves, our children and our domestic animals--everything, in fact, that +is weak, helpless and inoffensive. + +Woman was not satisfied; her superserviceable advocates taught her to +demand the right to vote, to hold office, to own property, to enter into +employment in competition with man. Whatever she demanded she eventually +got. With the effect upon her we are not here concerned; the predicted +gain to political purity did not ensue, nor did commercial integrity +receive any stimulus from her participation in commercial pursuits. What +indubitably did ensue was a more sharp and bitter competition in the +industrial world through this increase of more than thirty per cent, in +its wage-earning population. In no age nor country has there ever been +sufficient employment for those requiring it. The effect of so enormously +increasing the already disproportionate number of workers in a single +generation could be no other than disastrous. Every woman employed +displaced or excluded some man, who, compelled to seek a lower employment, +displaced another, and so on, until the least capable or most unlucky of +the series became a tramp--a nomadic mendicant criminal! The number of +these dangerous vagrants in the beginning of the twentieth century of +their era has been estimated by Holobom at no less than seven and a half +_blukuks_! Of course, they were as tow to the fires of sedition, anarchy +and insurrection. It does not very nearly relate to our present purpose, +but it is impossible not to note in passing that this unhappy result, +directly flowing from woman's invasion of the industrial field, was +unaccompanied by any material advantage to herself. Individual women, here +and there one, may themselves have earned the support that they would +otherwise not have received, but the sex as a whole was not benefited. +They provided for themselves no better than they had previously been +provided for, and would still have been provided for, by the men whom they +displaced. The whole somber incident is unrelieved by a single gleam of +light. + +Previously to this invasion of the industrial field by woman there had +arisen conditions that were in themselves peculiarly menacing to the +social fabric. Some of the philosophers of the period, rummaging amongst +the dubious and misunderstood facts of commercial and industrial history, +had discovered what they were pleased to term "the law of supply and +demand"; and this they expounded with so ingenious a sophistry, and so +copious a wealth of illustration and example that what is at best but a +faulty and imperfectly applicable principle, limited and cut into by all +manner of other considerations, came to be accepted as the sole +explanation and basis of material prosperity and an infallible rule for +the proper conduct of industrial affairs. In obedience to this "law"--for, +interpreting it in its straitest sense they understood it to be +mandatory--employers and employees alike regulated by its iron authority +all their dealings with one another, throwing off the immemorial relations +of mutual dependence and mutual esteem as tending to interfere with +beneficent operation. The employer came to believe conscientiously that it +was not only profitable and expedient, but under all circumstances his +duty, to obtain his labor for as little money as possible, even as he sold +its product for as much. Considerations of humanity were not banished from +his heart, but most sternly excluded from his business. Many of these +misguided men would give large sums to various charities; would found +universities, hospitals, libraries; would even stop on their way to +relieve beggars in the street; but for their own work-people they had no +care. Straman relates in his "Memoirs" that a wealthy manufacturer once +said to one of his mill-hands who had asked for an increase of his wages +because unable to support his family on the pay that he was getting: "Your +family is nothing to me. I cannot afford to mix benevolence with my +business." Yet this man, the author adds, had just given a thousand +_drusoes_ to a "sea-man's home." He could afford to care for other men's +employees, but not for his own. He could not see that the act which he +performed as truly, and to the same degree, cut down his margin of profit +in his business as the act which he refused to perform would have done, +and had not the advantage of securing him better service from a grateful +workman. + +On their part the laborers were no better. Their relations to their +employers being "purely commercial," as it was called, they put no heart +into their work, seeking ever to do as little as possible for their money, +precisely as their employers sought to pay as little as possible for the +work they got. The interests of the two classes being thus antagonized, +they grew to distrust and hate each other, and each accession of ill +feeling produced acts which tended to broaden the breach more and more. +There was neither cheerful service on the one side nor ungrudging payment +on the other. + +The harder industrial conditions generated by woman's irruption into a new +domain of activity produced among laboring men a feeling of blind +discontent and concern. Like all men in apprehension, they drew together +for mutual protection, they knew not clearly against what. They formed +"labor unions," and believed them to be something new and effective in the +betterment of their condition; whereas, from the earliest historical +times, in Rome, in Greece, in Egypt, in Assyria, labor unions with their +accepted methods of "striking" and rioting had been discredited by an +almost unbroken record of failure. One of the oldest manuscripts then in +existence, preserved in a museum at Turin, but now lost, related how the +workmen employed in the necropolis at Thebes, dissatisfied with their +allowance of corn and oil, had refused to work, broken out of their +quarters and, after much rioting, been subdued by the arrows of the +military. And such, despite the sympathies and assistance of brutal mobs +of the populace, was sometimes the end of the American "strike." +Originally organized for self-protection, and for a time partly +successful, these leagues became great tyrannies, so reasonless in their +demands and so unscrupulous in their methods of enforcing them that the +laws were unable to deal with them, and frequently the military forces of +the several States were ordered out for the protection of life and +property; but in most cases the soldiers fraternized with the leagues, ran +away, or were easily defeated. The cruel and mindless mobs had always the +hypocritical sympathy and encouragement of the newspapers and the +politicians, for both feared their power and courted their favor. The +judges, dependent for their offices not only on "the labor vote," but, to +obtain it, on the approval of the press and the politicians, boldly set +aside the laws against conspiracy and strained to the utmost tension those +relating to riot, arson and murder. To such a pass did all this come that +in the year 1931 an inn-keeper's denial of a half-holiday to an under-cook +resulted in the peremptory closing of half the factories in the country, +the stoppage of all railroad travel and movement of freight by land and +water and a general paralysis of the industries of the land. Many +thousands of families, including those of the "strikers" and their +friends, suffered from famine; armed conflicts occurred in every State; +hundreds were slain and incalculable amounts of property wrecked and +destroyed. + +Failure, however, was inherent in the method, for success depended upon +unanimity, and the greater the membership of the unions and the more +serious their menace to the industries of the country, the higher was the +premium for defection; and at last strike-breaking became a regular +employment, organized, officered and equipped for the service required by +the wealth and intelligence that directed it. From that moment the doom of +labor unionism was decreed and inevitable. But labor unionism did not live +long enough to die that way. + +Naturally combinations of labor entailed combinations of capital. These +were at first purely protective. They were brought into being by the +necessity of resisting the aggressions of the others. But the trick of +combination once learned, it was seen to have possibilities of profit in +directions not dreamed of by its early promoters; its activities were not +long confined to fighting the labor unions with their own weapons and with +superior cunning and address. The shrewd and energetic men whose capacity +and commercial experience had made them rich while the laborers remained +poor were not slow to discern the advantages of cooeperation over their own +former method of competition among themselves. They continued to fight the +labor unions, but ceased to fight one another. The result was that in the +brief period of two generations almost the entire business of the country +fell into the hands of a few gigantic corporations controlled by bold and +unscrupulous men, who, by daring and ingenious methods, made the body of +the people pay tribute to their greed. + +In a country where money was all-powerful the power of money was used +without stint and without scruple. Judges were bribed to do their duty, +juries to convict, newspapers to support and legislators to betray their +constituents and pass the most oppressive laws. By these corrupt means, +and with the natural advantage of greater skill in affairs and larger +experience in concerted action, the capitalists soon restored their +ancient reign and the state of the laborer was worse than it had ever been +before. Straman says that in his time two millions of unoffending workmen +in the various industries were once discharged without warning and +promptly arrested as vagrants and deprived of their ears because a sulking +canal-boatman had kicked his captain's dog into the water. And the dog was +a retriever. + +Had the people been honest and intelligent, as the politicians affirmed +them to be, the combination of capital could have worked no public +injury--would, in truth, have been a great public benefit. It enormously +reduced the expense of production and distribution, assured greater +permanency of employment, opened better opportunities to general and +special aptitude, gave an improved product, and at first supplied it at a +reduced price. Its crowning merit was that the industries of the country, +being controlled by a few men from a central source, could themselves be +easily controlled by law if law had been honestly administered. Under the +old order of scattered jurisdictions, requiring a multitude of actions at +law, little could be done, and little was done, to put a check on +commercial greed; under the new, much was possible, and at times something +was accomplished. But not for long; the essential dishonesty of the +American character enabled these capable and conscienceless +managers--"captains of industry" and "kings of finance"--to buy with money +advantages and immunities superior to those that the labor unions could +obtain by menaces and the promise of votes. The legislatures, the courts, +the executive officers, all the sources of authority and springs of +control, were defiled and impested until right and justice fled affrighted +from the land, and the name of the country became a stench in the nostrils +of the world. + +Let us pause in our narrative to say here that much of the abuse of the +so-called "trusts" by their victims took no account of the folly, +stupidity and greed of the victims themselves. A favorite method by which +the great corporations crushed out the competition of the smaller ones and +of the "individual dealers" was by underselling them--a method made +possible by nothing but the selfishness of the purchasing consumers who +loudly complained of it. These could have stood by their neighbor, the +"small dealer," if they had wanted to, and no underselling could, have +been done. When the trust lowered the price of its product they eagerly +took the advantage offered, then cursed the trust for ruining the small +dealer. When it raised the price they cursed it for ruining themselves. It +is not easy to see what the trust could have done that would have been +acceptable, nor is it surprising that it soon learned to ignore their +clamor altogether and impenitently plunder those whom it could not hope to +appease. + +Another of the many sins justly charged against the "kings of finance" was +this: They would buy properties worth, say, ten millions of "dollars" (the +value of the dollar is now unknown) and issue stock upon it to the face +value of, say, fifty millions. This their clamorous critics called +"creating" for themselves forty millions of dollars. They created nothing; +the stock had no dishonest value unless sold, and even at the most corrupt +period of the government nobody was compelled by law to buy. In nine cases +in ten the person who bought did so in the hope and expectation of getting +much for little and something for nothing. The buyer was no better than +the seller. He was a gambler. He "played against the game of the man who +kept the table" (as the phrase went), and naturally he lost. Naturally, +too, he cried out, but his lamentations, though echoed shrilly by the +demagogues, seem to have been unavailing. Even the rudimentary +intelligence of that primitive people discerned the impracticability of +laws forbidding the seller to set his own price on the thing he would sell +and declare it worth that price. Then, as now, nobody had to believe him. +Of the few who bought these "watered" stocks in good faith as an +investment in the honest hope of dividends it seems sufficient to say, in +the words of an ancient Roman, "Against stupidity the gods themselves are +powerless." Laws that would adequately protect the foolish from the +consequence of their folly would put an end to all commerce. The sin of +"over-capitalization" differed in magnitude only, not in kind, from the +daily practice of every salesman in every shop. Nevertheless, the popular +fury that it aroused must be reckoned among the main causes contributory +to the savage insurrections that accomplished the downfall of the +republic. + +With the formation of powerful and unscrupulous trusts of both labor and +capital to subdue each other the possibilities of combination were not +exhausted; there remained the daring plan of combining the two +belligerents! And this was actually effected. The laborer's demand for an +increased wage was always based upon an increased cost of living, which +was itself chiefly due to increased cost of production from reluctant +concessions of his former demands. But in the first years of the twentieth +century observers noticed on the part of capital a lessening reluctance. +More frequent and more extortionate and reasonless demands encountered a +less bitter and stubborn resistance; capital was apparently weakening just +at the time when, with its strong organizations of trained and willing +strike-breakers, it was most secure. Not so; an ingenious malefactor, +whose name has perished from history, had thought out a plan for bringing +the belligerent forces together to plunder the rest of the population. In +the accounts that have come down to us details are wanting, but we know +that, little by little, this amazing project was accomplished. Wages rose +to incredible rates. The cost of living rose with them, for +employers--their new allies wielding in their service the weapons +previously used against them, intimidation, the boycott, and so +forth--more than recouped themselves from the general public. Their +employees got rebates on the prices of products, but for consumers who +were neither laborers nor capitalists there was no mercy. Strikes were a +thing of the past; strike-breakers threw themselves gratefully into the +arms of the unions; "industrial discontent" vanished, in the words of a +contemporary poet, "as by the stroke of an enchanter's wand." All was +peace, tranquillity and order! Then the storm broke. + +A man in St. Louis purchased a sheep's kidney for seven-and-a-half +dollars. In his rage at the price he exclaimed: "As a public man I have +given twenty of the best years of my life to bringing about a friendly +understanding between capital and labor. I have succeeded, and may God +have mercy on my meddlesome soul!" + +The remark was resented, a riot ensued, and when the sun went down that +evening his last beams fell upon a city reeking with the blood of a +hundred millionaires and twenty thousand citizens and sons of toil! + +Students of the history of those troublous times need not to be told what +other and more awful events followed that bloody reprisal. Within +forty-eight hours the country was ablaze with insurrection, followed by +intestinal wars which lasted three hundred and seventy years and were +marked by such hideous barbarities as the modern historian can hardly +bring himself to relate. The entire stupendous edifice of popular +government, temple and citadel of fallacies and abuses, had crashed to +ruin. For centuries its fallen columns and scattered stones sheltered an +ever diminishing number of skulking anarchists, succeeded by hordes of +skin-clad savages subsisting on offal and raw flesh--the race-remnant of +an extinct civilization. All finally vanished from history into a darkness +impenetrable to conjecture. + + * * * * * + +In concluding this hasty and imperfect sketch I cannot forbear to relate +an episode of the destructive and unnatural contest between labor and +capital, which I find recorded in the almost forgotten work of Antrolius, +who was an eye-witness to the incident. + +At a time when the passions of both parties were most inflamed and scenes +of violence most frequent it was somehow noised about that at a certain +hour of a certain day some one--none could say who--would stand upon the +steps of the Capitol and speak to the people, expounding a plan for +reconciliation of all conflicting interests and pacification of the +quarrel. At the appointed hour thousands had assembled to hear--glowering +capitalists attended by hireling body-guards with firearms, sullen +laborers with dynamite bombs concealed in their clothing. All eyes were +directed to the specified spot, where suddenly appeared (none saw +whence--it seemed as if he had been there all the time, such his +tranquillity) a tall, pale man clad in a long robe, bare-headed, his hair +falling lightly upon his shoulders, his eyes full of compassion, and with +such majesty of face and mien that all were awed to silence ere he spoke. +Stepping slowly forward toward the throng and raising his right hand from +the elbow, the index finger extended upward, he said, in a voice ineffably +sweet and serious: "Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even +so do ye also unto them." + +These strange words he repeated in the same solemn tones three times; +then, as the expectant multitude waited breathless for his discourse, +stepped quietly down into the midst of them, every one afterward declaring +that he passed within a pace of where himself had stood. For a moment the +crowd was speechless with surprise and disappointment, then broke into +wild, fierce cries: "Lynch him, lynch him!" and some have testified that +they heard the word "crucify." Struggling into looser order, the +infuriated mob started in mad pursuit; but each man ran a different way +and the stranger was seen again by none of them. + + + + +THE LAND BEYOND THE BLOW + +(After the method of Swift, who followed Lucian, and was himself followed +by Voltaire and many others.) + + +THITHER + +A crowd of men were assisting at a dog-fight. The scene was one of +indescribable confusion. In the center of the tumult the dogs, obscure in +a cloud of dust, rolled over and over, howling, yarring, tearing each +other with sickening ferocity. About them the hardly less ferocious men +shouted, cursed and struck, encouraged the animals with sibilant +utterances and threatened with awful forms of death and perdition all who +tried to put an end to the combat. Caught in the thick of this pitiless +mob I endeavored to make my way to a place of peace, when a burly +blackguard, needlessly obstructing me, said derisively: + +"I guess you are working pockets." + +"You are a liar!" I retorted hotly. + +That is all the provocation that I remember to have given. + + +SONS OF THE FAIR STAR + +When consciousness returned the sun was high in the heavens, yet the light +was dim, and had that indefinable ghastly quality that is observed during +a partial eclipse. The sun itself appeared singularly small, as if it were +at an immensely greater distance than usual. Rising with some difficulty +to my feet, I looked about me. I was in an open space among some trees +growing on the slope of a mountain range whose summit on the one hand was +obscured by a mist of a strange pinkish hue, and on the other rose into +peaks glittering with snow. Skirting the base at a distance of two or +three miles flowed a wide river, and beyond it a nearly level plain +stretched away to the horizon, dotted with villages and farmhouses and +apparently in a high state of cultivation. All was unfamiliar in its every +aspect. The trees were unlike any that I had ever seen or even imagined, +the trunks being mostly square and the foliage consisting of slender +filaments resembling hair, in many instances long enough to reach the +earth. It was of many colors, and I could not perceive that there was any +prevailing one, as green is in the vegetation to which I was accustomed. +As far as I could see there were no grass, no weeds, no flowers; the earth +was covered with a kind of lichen, uniformly blue. Instead of rocks, great +masses of metals protruded here and there, and above me on the mountain +were high cliffs of what seemed to be bronze veined with brass. No animals +were visible, but a few birds as uncommon in appearance as their +surroundings glided through the air or perched upon the rocks. I say +glided, for their motion was not true flight, their wings being mere +membranes extended parallel to their sides, and having no movement +independent of the body. The bird was, so to say, suspended between them +and moved forward by quick strokes of a pair of enormously large webbed +feet, precisely as a duck propels itself in water. All these things +excited in me no surprise, nor even curiosity; they were merely +unfamiliar. That which most interested me was what appeared to be a bridge +several miles away, up the river, and to this I directed my steps, +crossing over from the barren and desolate hills to the populous plain. + +For a full history of my life and adventures in Mogon-Zwair, and a +detailed description of the country, its people, their manners and +customs, I must ask the reader to await the publication of a book, now in +the press, entitled _A Blackened Eye_; in this brief account I can give +only a few of such particulars as seem instructive by contrast with our +own civilization. + +The inhabitants of Mogon-Zwair call themselves Golampis, a word signifying +Sons of the Fair Star. Physically they closely resemble ourselves, being +in all respects the equals of the highest Caucasian type. Their hair, +however, has a broader scheme of color, hair of every hue known to us, and +even of some imperceptible to my eyes but brilliant to theirs, being too +common to excite remark. A Golampian assemblage with uncovered heads +resembles, indeed, a garden of flowers, vivid and deep in color, no two +alike. They wear no clothing of any kind, excepting for adornment and +protection from the weather, resembling in this the ancient Greeks and the +Japanese of yesterday; nor was I ever able to make them comprehend that +clothing could be worn for those reasons for which it is chiefly worn +among ourselves. They are destitute of those feelings of delicacy and +refinement which distinguish us from the lower animals, and which, in the +opinion of our acutest and most pious thinkers, are evidences of our close +relation to the Power that made us. + +Among this people certain ideas which are current among ourselves as mere +barren faiths expressed in disregarded platitudes receive a practical +application to the affairs of life. For example, they hold, with the best, +wisest and most experienced of our own race, and one other hereafter to be +described, that wealth does not bring happiness and is a misfortune and an +evil. None but the most ignorant and depraved, therefore, take the trouble +to acquire or preserve it. A rich Golampi is naturally regarded with +contempt and suspicion, is shunned by the good and respectable and +subjected to police surveillance. Accustomed to a world where the rich man +is profoundly and justly respected for his goodness and wisdom (manifested +in part by his own deprecatory protests against the wealth of which, +nevertheless, he is apparently unable to rid himself) I was at first +greatly pained to observe the contumelious manner of the Golampis toward +this class of men, carried in some instances to the length of personal +violence; a popular amusement being the pelting them with coins. These the +victims would carefully gather from the ground and carry away with them, +thus increasing their hoard and making themselves all the more liable to +popular indignities. + +When the cultivated and intelligent Golampi finds himself growing too +wealthy he proceeds to get rid of his surplus riches by some one of many +easy expedients. One of these I have just described; another is to give +his excess to those of his own class who have not sufficient to buy +employment and so escape leisure, which is considered the greatest evil of +all. "Idleness," says one of their famous authors, "is the child of +poverty and the parent of discontent"; and another great writer says: "No +one is without employment; the indolent man works for his enemies." + +In conformity to these ideas the Golampis--all but the ignorant and +vicious rich--look upon labor as the highest good, and the man who is so +unfortunate as not to have enough money to purchase employment in some +useful industry will rather engage in a useless one than not labor at all. +It is not unusual to see hundreds of men carrying water from a river and +pouring it into a natural ravine or artificial channel, through which it +runs back into the stream. Frequently a man is seen conveying stones--or +the masses of metal which there correspond to stones--from one pile to +another. When all have been heaped in a single place he will convey them +back again, or to a new place, and so proceed until darkness puts an end +to the work. This kind of labor, however, does not confer the satisfaction +derived from the consciousness of being useful, and is never performed by +any person having the means to hire another to employ him in some +beneficial industry. The wages usually paid to employers are from three to +six _balukan_ a day. This statement may seem incredible, but I solemnly +assure the reader that I have known a bad workman or a feeble woman to pay +as high as eight; and there have been instances of men whose incomes had +outgrown their desires paying even more. + +Labor being a luxury which only those in easy circumstances can afford, +the poor are the more eager for it, not only because it is denied them, +but because it is a sign of respectability. Many of them, therefore, +indulge in it on credit and soon find themselves deprived of what little +property they had to satisfy their hardfisted employers. A poor woman once +complained to me that her husband spent every _rylat_ that he could get in +the purchase of the most expensive kinds of employment, while she and the +children were compelled to content themselves with such cheap and coarse +activity as dragging an old wagon round and round in a small field which a +kind-hearted neighbor permitted them to use for the purpose. I afterward +saw this improvident husband and unnatural father. He had just squandered +all the money he had been able to beg or borrow in buying six tickets, +which entitled the holder to that many days' employment in pitching hay +into a barn. A week later I met him again. He was broken in health, his +limbs trembled, his walk was an uncertain shuffle. Clearly he was +suffering from overwork. As I paused by the wayside to speak to him a +wagon loaded with hay was passing. He fixed his eyes upon it with a +hungry, wolfish glare, clutched a pitchfork and leaned eagerly forward, +watching the vanishing wagon with breathless attention and heedless of my +salutation. That night he was arrested, streaming with perspiration, in +the unlawful act of unloading that hay and putting it into its owner's +barn. He was tried, convicted and sentenced to six months' detention in +the House of Indolence. + +The whole country is infested by a class of criminal vagrants known as +_strambaltis_, or, as we should say, "tramps." These persons prowl about +among the farms and villages begging for work in the name of charity. +Sometimes they travel in groups, as many as a dozen together, and then the +farmer dares not refuse them; and before he can notify the constabulary +they will have performed a great deal of the most useful labor that they +can find to do and escaped without paying a _rylat_. One trustworthy +agriculturist assured me that his losses in one year from these +depredations amounted to no less a sum than seven hundred _balukan_! On +nearly all the larger and more isolated farms a strong force of guards is +maintained during the greater part of the year to prevent these outrages, +but they are frequently overpowered, and sometimes prove unfaithful to +their trust by themselves working secretly by night. + +The Golampi priesthood has always denounced overwork as a deadly sin, and +declared useless and apparently harmless work, such as carrying water from +the river and letting it flow in again, a distinct violation of the divine +law, in which, however, I could never find any reference to the matter; +but there has recently risen a sect which holds that all labor being +pleasurable, each kind in its degree is immoral and wicked. This sect, +which embraces many of the most holy and learned men, is rapidly spreading +and becoming a power in the state. It has, of course, no churches, for +these cannot be built without labor, and its members commonly dwell in +caves and live upon such roots and berries as can be easily gathered, of +which the country produces a great abundance though all are exceedingly +unpalatable. These _Gropoppsu_ (as the members of this sect call +themselves) pass most of their waking hours sitting in the sunshine with +folded hands, contemplating their navels; by the practice of which +austerity they hope to obtain as reward an eternity of hard labor after +death. + +The Golampis are an essentially pious and religious race. There are few, +indeed, who do not profess at least one religion. They are nearly all, in +a certain sense, polytheists: they worship a supreme and beneficent deity +by one name or another, but all believe in the existence of a subordinate +and malevolent one, whom also, while solemnly execrating him in public +rites, they hold at heart in such reverence that needlessly to mention his +name or that of his dwelling is considered sin of a rank hardly inferior +to blasphemy. I am persuaded that this singular tenderness toward a being +whom their theology represents as an abominable monster, the origin of all +evil and the foe to souls, is a survival of an ancient propitiatory +adoration. Doubtless this wicked deity was once so feared that his +conciliation was one of the serious concerns of life. He is probably as +greatly feared now as at any former time, but is apparently less hated, +and is by some honestly admired. + +It is interesting to observe the important place held in Golampian affairs +by religious persecution. The Government is a pure theocracy, all the +Ministers of State and the principal functionaries in every department of +control belonging to the priesthood of the dominant church. It is +popularly believed in Mogon-Zwair that persecution, even to the extent of +taking life, is in the long run beneficial to the cause enduring it. This +belief has, indeed, been crystallized into a popular proverb, not capable +of accurate translation into our tongue, but to the effect that martyrs +fertilize religion by pouring out their blood about its roots. Acting upon +this belief with their characteristically logical and conscientious +directness, the sacerdotal rulers of the country mercilessly afflict the +sect to which themselves belong. They arrest its leading members on false +charges, throw them into loathsome and unwholesome dungeons, subject them +to the crudest tortures and sometimes put them to death. The provinces in +which the state religion is especially strong are occasionally raided and +pillaged by government soldiery, recruited for the purpose by conscription +among the dissenting sects, and are sometimes actually devastated with +fire and sword. The result is not altogether confirmatory of the popular +belief and does not fulfil the pious hope of the governing powers who are +cruel to be kind. The vitalizing efficacy of persecution is not to be +doubted, but the persecuted of too feeble faith frequently thwart its +beneficent intent and happy operation by apostasy. + +Having in mind the horrible torments which a Golampian general had +inflicted upon the population of a certain town I once ventured to protest +to him that so dreadful a sum of suffering, seeing that it did not +accomplish its purpose, was needless and unwise. + +"Needless and unwise it may be," said he, "and I am disposed to admit that +the result which I expected from it has not followed; but why do you speak +of the _sum_ of suffering? I tortured those people in but a single, simple +way--by skinning their legs." + +"Ah, that is very true," said I, "but you skinned the legs of one +thousand." + +"And what of that?" he asked. "Can one thousand, or ten thousand, or any +number of persons suffer more agony than one? A man may have his leg +broken, then his nails pulled out, then be seared with a hot iron. Here is +suffering added to suffering, and the effect is really cumulative. In the +true mathematical sense it is a _sum_ of suffering. A single person can +experience it. But consider, my dear sir. How can you add one man's agony +to another's? They are not addable quantities. Each is an individual pain, +unaffected by the other. The limit of anguish which ingenuity can inflict +is that utmost pang which one man has the vitality to endure." + +I was convinced but not silenced. + +The Golampians all believe, singularly enough, that truth possesses some +inherent vitality and power that give it an assured prevalence over +falsehood; that a good name cannot be permanently defiled and irreparably +ruined by detraction, but, like a star, shines all the brighter for the +shadow through which it is seen; that justice cannot be stayed by +injustice; that vice is powerless against virtue. I could quote from their +great writers hundreds of utterances affirmative of these propositions. +One of their poets, for example, has some striking and original lines, of +which the following is a literal but unmetrical translation: + + A man who is in the right has three arms, + But he whose conscience is rotten with wrong + Is stripped and confined in a metal cell. + +Imbued with these beliefs, the Golampis think it hardly worth while to be +truthful, to abstain from slander, to do justice and to avoid vicious +actions. "The practice," they say, "of deceit, calumniation, oppression +and immorality cannot have any sensible and lasting injurious effect, and +it is most agreeable to the mind and heart. Why should there be personal +self-denial without commensurate general advantage?" + +In consequence of these false views, affirmed by those whom they regard as +great and wise, the people of Mogon-Zwair are, as far as I have observed +them, the most conscienceless liars, cheats, thieves, rakes and all-round, +many-sided sinners that ever were created to be damned. It was, therefore, +with inexpressible joy that I received one day legal notification that I +had been tried in the High Court of Conviction and sentenced to banishment +to Lalugnan. My offense was that I had said that I regarded consistency as +the most detestable of all vices. + + +AN INTERVIEW WITH GNARMAG-ZOTE + +Mogon-Zwair and Lalugnan, having the misfortune to lie on opposite sides +of a line, naturally hate each other; so each country sends its dangerous +political criminals into the other, where they usually enjoy high honors +and are sometimes elevated to important office under the crown. I was +therefore received in Lalugnan with hospitality and given every +encouragement in prosecuting my researches into the history and +intellectual life of the people. They are so extraordinary a people, +inhabiting so marvelous a country, that everything which the traveler +sees, hears or experiences makes a lively and lasting impression upon his +mind, and the labor of a lifetime would be required to relate the +observation of a single year. I shall notice here only one or two points +of national character--those which differ most conspicuously from ours, +and in which, consequently, they are least worthy. + +With a fatuity hardly more credible than creditable, the Lalugwumps, as +they call themselves, deny the immortality of the soul. In all my stay in +their country I found only one person who believed in a life "beyond the +grave," as we should say, though as the Lalugwumps are cannibals they +would say "beyond the stomach." In testimony to the consolatory value of +the doctrine of another life, I may say that this one true believer had in +this life a comparatively unsatisfactory lot, for in early youth he had +been struck by a flying stone from a volcano and had lost a considerable +part of his brain. + +I cannot better set forth the nature and extent of the Lalugwumpian error +regarding this matter than by relating a conversation that occurred +between me and one of the high officers of the King's household--a man +whose proficiency in all the vices of antiquity, together with his service +to the realm in determining the normal radius of curvature in cats' claws, +had elevated him to the highest plane of political preferment. His name +was Gnarmag-Zote. + +"You tell me," said he, "that the soul is immaterial. Now, matter is that +of which we can have knowledge through one or more of our senses. Of what +is immaterial--not matter--we can gain no knowledge in that way. How, +then, can we know anything about it?" + +Perceiving that he did not rightly apprehend my position I abandoned it +and shifted the argument to another ground. "Consider," I said, "the +analogous case of a thought. You will hardly call thought material, yet we +know there are thoughts." + +"I beg your pardon, but we do not know that. Thought is not a thing, +therefore cannot _be_ in any such sense, for example, as the hand _is_. We +use the word 'thought' to designate the result of an action of the brain, +precisely as we use the word 'speed' to designate the result of an action +of a horse's legs. But can it be said that speed _exists_ in the same way +as the legs which produce it exist, or in any way? Is it a thing?" + +I was about to disdain to reply, when I saw an old man approaching, with +bowed head, apparently in deep distress. As he drew near he saluted my +distinguished interlocutor in the manner of the country, by putting out +his tongue to its full extent and moving it slowly from side to side. +Gnarmag-Zote acknowledged the civility by courteously spitting, and the +old man, advancing, seated himself at the great officer's feet, saying: +"Exalted Sir, I have just lost my wife by death, and am in a most +melancholy frame of mind. He who has mastered all the vices of the +ancients and wrested from nature the secret of the normal curvature of +cats' claws can surely spare from his wisdom a few rays of philosophy to +cheer an old man's gloom. Pray tell me what I shall do to assuage my +grief." + +The reader can, perhaps, faintly conceive my astonishment when +Gnarmag-Zote gravely replied: "Kill yourself." + +"Surely," I cried, "you would not have this honest fellow procure oblivion +(since you think that death is nothing else) by so rash an act!" + +"An act that Gnarmag-Zote advises," he said, coldly, "is not rash." + +"But death," I said, "death, whatever else it may be, is an end of life. +This old man is now in sorrow almost insupportable. But a few days and it +will be supportable; a few months and it will have become no more than a +tender melancholy. At last it will disappear, and in the society of his +friends, in the skill of his cook, the profits of avarice, the study of +how to be querulous and in the pursuit of loquacity, he will again +experience the joys of age. Why for a present grief should he deprive +himself of all future happiness?" + +Gnarmag-Zote looked upon me with something like compassion. "My friend," +said he, "guest of my sovereign and my country, know that in any +circumstances, even those upon which true happiness is based and +conditioned, death is preferable to life. The sum of miseries in any life +(here in Lalugnan at least) exceeds the sum of pleasures; but suppose that +it did not. Imagine an existence in which happiness, of whatever +intensity, is the rule, and discomfort, of whatever moderation, the +exception. Still there is some discomfort. There is none in death, for (as +it is given to us to know) that is oblivion, annihilation. True, by dying +one loses his happiness as well as his sorrows, but he is not conscious of +the loss. Surely, a loss of which one will never know, and which, if it +operate to make him less happy, at the same time takes from him the desire +and capacity and need of happiness, cannot be an evil. That is so +intelligently understood among us here in Lalugnan that suicide is common, +and our word for sufferer is the same as that for fool. If this good man +had not been an idiot he would have taken his life as soon as he was +bereaved." + +"If what you say of the blessing of death is true," I said, smilingly, for +I greatly prided myself on the ingenuity of my thought, "it is unnecessary +to commit suicide through grief for the dead; for the more you love the +more glad you should be that the object of your affection has passed into +so desirable a state as death." + +"So we are--those of us who have cultivated philosophy, history and logic; +but this poor fellow is still under the domination of feelings inherited +from a million ignorant and superstitious ancestors--for Lalugnan was once +as barbarous a country as your own. The most grotesque and frightful +conceptions of death, and life after death, were current; and now many of +even those whose understandings are emancipated wear upon their feelings +the heavy chain of heredity." + +"But," said I, "granting for the sake of the argument which I am about to +build upon the concession" (I could not bring myself to use the idiotic +and meaningless phrase, "for the sake of argument") "that death, +especially the death of a Lalugwump, is desirable, yet the act of dying, +the transition state between living and being dead, may be accompanied by +the most painful physical, and most terrifying mental phenomena. The +moment of dissolution may seem to the exalted sensibilities of the +moribund a century of horrors." + +The great man smiled again, with a more intolerable benignity than before. +"There is no such thing as dying," he said; "the 'transition state' is a +creation of your fancy and an evidence of imperfect reason. One is at any +time either alive or dead. The one condition cannot shade off into the +other. There is no gradation like that between waking and sleeping. By the +way, do you recognize a certain resemblance between death and a dreamless +sleep?" + +"Yes--death as you conceive it to be." + +"Well, does any one fear sleep? Do we not seek it, court it, wish that it +may be sound--that is to say, dreamless? We desire occasional +annihilation--wish to be dead for eight and ten hours at a time. True, we +expect to awake, but that expectation, while it may account for our +alacrity in embracing sleep, cannot alter the character of the state that +we cheerfully go into. Suppose we did _not_ wake in the morning, never did +wake! Would our mental and spiritual condition be in any respect different +through all eternity from what it was during the first few hours? After how +many hours does oblivion begin to be an evil? The man who loves to sleep +yet hates to die might justly be granted everlasting life with everlasting +insomnia." + +Gnarmag-Zote paused and appeared to be lost in the profundity of his +thoughts, but I could easily enough see that he was only taking breath. +The old man whose grief had given this turn to the conversation had fallen +asleep and was roaring in the nose like a beast. The rush of a river near +by, as it poured up a hill from the ocean, and the shrill singing of +several kinds of brilliant quadrupeds were the only other sounds audible. +I waited deferentially for the great antiquarian, scientist and courtier +to resume, amusing myself meantime by turning over the leaves of an +official report by the Minister of War on a new and improved process of +making thunder from snail slime. Presently the oracle spoke. + +"You have been born," he said, which was true. "There was, it follows, a +time when you had not been born. As we reckon time, it was probably some +millions of ages. Of this considerable period you are unable to remember +one unhappy moment, and in point of fact there was none. To a Lalugwump +that is entirely conclusive as to the relative values of consciousness and +oblivion, existence and nonexistence, life and death. This old man lying +here at my feet is now, if not dreaming, as if he had never been born. +Would not it be cruel and inhuman to wake him back to grief? Is it, then, +kind to permit him to wake by the natural action of his own physical +energies? I have given him the advice for which he asked. Believing it +good advice, and seeing him too irresolute to act, it seems my clear duty +to assist him." + +Before I could interfere, even had I dared take the liberty to do so, +Gnarmag-Zote struck the old man a terrible blow upon the head with his +mace of office. The victim turned upon his back, spread his fingers, +shivered convulsively and was dead. + +"You need not be shocked," said the distinguished assassin, coolly: "I +have but performed a sacred duty and religious rite. The religion +(established first in this realm by King Skanghutch, the sixty-second of +that name) consists in the worship of Death. We have sacred books, some +three thousand thick volumes, said to be written by inspiration of Death +himself, whom no mortal has ever seen, but who is described by our priests +as having the figure of a fat young man with a red face and wearing an +affable smile. In art he is commonly represented in the costume of a +husbandman sowing seeds. + +"The priests and sacred books teach that death is the supreme and only +good--that the chief duties of man are, therefore, assassination and +suicide. Conviction of these cardinal truths is universal among us, but I +am sorry to say that many do not honestly live up to the faith. Most of us +are commendably zealous in assassination, but slack and lukewarm in +suicide. Some justify themselves in this half-hearted observance of the +Law and imperfect submission to the Spirit by arguing that if they destroy +themselves their usefulness in destroying others will be greatly abridged. +'I find,' says one of our most illustrious writers, not without a certain +force, it must be confessed, 'that I can slay many more of others than I +can of myself.' + +"There are still others, more distinguished for faith than works, who +reason that if A kill B, B cannot kill C. So it happens that although many +Lalugwumps die, mostly by the hands of others, though some by their own, +the country is never wholly depopulated." + +"In my own country," said I, "is a sect holding somewhat Lalugwumpian +views of the evil of life; and among the members it is considered a sin to +bestow it. The philosopher Schopenhauer taught the same doctrine, and many +of our rulers have shown strong sympathetic leanings toward it by +procuring the destruction of many of their own people and those of other +nations in what is called war." + +"They are greatly to be commended," said Gnarmag-Zote, rising to intimate +that the conversation was at an end. I respectfully protruded my tongue +while he withdrew into his palace, spitting politely and with unusual +copiousness in acknowledgment. A few minutes later, but before I had left +the spot, two lackeys in livery emerged from the door by which he had +entered, and while one shouldered the body of the old man and carried it +into the palace kitchen the other informed me that his Highness was +graciously pleased to desire my company at dinner that evening. With many +expressions of regret I declined the invitation, unaware that to do so was +treason. With the circumstances of my escape to the island of Tamtonia the +newspapers have made the world already familiar. + + +THE TAMTONIANS + +In all my intercourse with the Tamtonians I was treated with the most +distinguished consideration and no obstacles to a perfect understanding of +their social and political life were thrown in my way. My enforced +residence on the island was, however, too brief to enable me to master the +whole subject as I should have liked to do. + +The government of Tamtonia is what is known in the language of the island +as a _gilbuper_. It differs radically from any form known in other parts +of the world and is supposed to have been invented by an ancient chief of +the race, named Natas, who was for many centuries after his death +worshiped as a god, and whose memory is still held in veneration. The +government is of infinite complexity, its various functions distributed +among as many officers as possible, multiplication of places being +regarded as of the greatest importance, and not so much a means as an end. +The Tamtonians seem to think that the highest good to which a human being +can attain is the possession of an office; and in order that as many as +possible may enjoy that advantage they have as many offices as the country +will support, and make the tenure brief and in no way dependent on good +conduct and intelligent administration of official duty. In truth, it +occurs usually that a man is turned out of his office (in favor of an +incompetent successor) before he has acquired sufficient experience to +perform his duties with credit to himself or profit to the country. Owing +to this incredible folly, the affairs of the island are badly mismanaged. +Complaints are the rule, even from those who have had their way in the +choice of officers. Of course there can be no such thing as a knowledge of +the science of government among such a people, for it is to nobody's +interest to acquire it by study of political history. There is, indeed, a +prevalent belief that nothing worth knowing is to be learned from the +history of other nations--not even from the history of their errors--such +is this extraordinary people's national vanity! One of the most notable +consequences of this universal and voluntary ignorance is that Tamtonia is +the home of all the discreditable political and fiscal heresies from which +many other nations, and especially our own, emancipated themselves +centuries ago. They are there in vigorous growth and full flower, and +believed to be of purely Tamtonian origin. + +It needs hardly to be stated that in their personal affairs these people +pursue an entirely different course, for if they did not there could be no +profitable industries and professions among them, and no property to tax +for the support of their government. In his private business a Tamtonian +has as high appreciation of fitness and experience as anybody, and having +secured a good man keeps him in service as long as possible. + +The ruler of the nation, whom they call a _Tnediserp_, is chosen every +five years but may be rechosen for five more. He is supposed to be +selected by the people themselves, but in reality they have nothing to do +with his selection. The method of choosing a man for _Tnediserp_ is so +strange that I doubt my ability to make it clear. + +The adult male population of the island divides itself into two or more +_seitrap_[1] Commonly there are three or four, but only two ever have any +considerable numerical strength, and none is ever strong morally or +intellectually. All the members of each _ytrap_ profess the same political +opinions, which are provided for them by their leaders every five years +and written down on pieces of paper so that they will not be forgotten. +The moment that any Tamtonian has read his piece of paper, or _mroftalp_, +he unhesitatingly adopts all the opinions that he finds written on it, +sometimes as many as forty or fifty, although these may be altogether +different from, or even antagonistic to, those with which he was supplied +five years before and has been advocating ever since. It will be seen from +this that the Tamtonian mind is a thing whose processes no American can +hope to respect, or even understand. It is instantaneously convinced +without either fact or argument, and when these are afterward presented +they only confirm it in its miraculous conviction; those which make +against that conviction having an even stronger confirmatory power than +the others. I have said any Tamtonian, but that is an overstatement. A few +usually persist in thinking as they did before; or in altering their +convictions in obedience to reason instead of authority, as our own people +do; but they are at once assailed with the most opprobrious names, accused +of treason and all manner of crimes, pelted with mud and stones and in +some instances deprived of their noses and ears by the public executioner. +Yet in no country is independence of thought so vaunted as a virtue, and +in none is freedom of speech considered so obvious a natural right or so +necessary to good government. + + [1] The Tamtonian language forms its plurals most irregularly, but + usually by an initial inflection. It has a certain crude and + primitive grammar, but in point of orthoepy is extremely + difficult. With our letters I can hardly hope to give an + accurate conception of its pronunciation. As nearly as possible + I write its words as they sounded to my ear when carefully + spoken for my instruction by intelligent natives. It is a harsh + tongue. + +At the same time that each _ytrap_ is supplied with its political opinions +for the next five years, its leaders--who, I am told, all pursue the +vocation of sharpening axes--name a man whom they wish chosen for the +office of _Tnediserp_. He is usually an idiot from birth, the Tamtonians +having a great veneration for such, believing them to be divinely +inspired. Although few members of the _ytrap_ have ever heard of him +before, they at once believe him to have been long the very greatest idiot +in the country; and for the next few months they do little else than quote +his words and point to his actions to prove that his idiocy is of entirely +superior quality to that of his opponent--a view that he himself, +instructed by his discoverers, does and says all that he can to confirm. +His inarticulate mumblings are everywhere repeated as utterances of +profound wisdom, and the slaver that drools from his chin is carefully +collected and shown to the people, evoking the wildest enthusiasm of his +supporters. His opponents all this time are trying to blacken his +character by the foulest conceivable falsehoods, some even going so far as +to assert that he is not an idiot at all! It is generally agreed among +them that if he were chosen to office the most dreadful disasters would +ensue, and that, _therefore_, he will not be chosen. + +To this last mentioned conviction, namely that the opposing candidate +(_rehtot lacsar_) cannot possibly be chosen, I wish to devote a few words +here, for it seems to me one of the most extraordinary phenomena of the +human mind. It implies, of course, a profound belief in the wisdom of +majorities and the error of minorities. This belief can and does in some +mysterious way co-exist, in the Tamtonian understanding, with the deepest +disgust and most earnest disapproval of a decision which a majority has +made. It is of record, indeed, that one political _ytrap_ sustained no +fewer than six successive defeats without at all impairing its conviction +that the right side must win. In each recurring contest this ytrap was as +sure that it would succeed as it had been in all the preceding ones--and +sure _because_ it believed itself in the right! It has been held by some +native observers that this conviction is not actually entertained, but +only professed for the purpose of influencing the action of others; but +this is disproved by the fact that even after the contest is decided, +though the result is unknown--when nobody's action can have effect--the +leaders (ax-sharpeners) continue earnestly to "claim" this province and +that, up to the very last moment of uncertainty, and the common people +murder one another in the streets for the crime of doubting that the man +is chosen whom the assassin was pleased to prefer. When the majority of a +province has chosen one candidate and a majority of the nation another, +the mental situation of the worthy Tamtonian is not over-easy of +conception, but there can be no doubt that his faith in the wisdom of +majorities remains unshaken. + +One of the two antagonistic idiots having been chosen as ruler, it is +customary to speak of him as "the choice of the people," whereas it is +obvious that he is one of the few men, seldom exceeding two or three, whom +it is certainly known that nearly one-half the people regard as unfit for +the position. He is less certainly "the people's choice" than any other +man in the country excepting his unsuccessful opponents; for while it is +known that a large body of his countrymen did not want him, it cannot be +known how many of his supporters really preferred some other person, but +had no opportunity to make their preference effective. + +The Tamtonians are very proud of their form of government, which gives +them so much power in selecting their rulers. This power consists in the +privilege of choosing between two men whom but a few had a voice in +selecting from among many millions, any one of whom the rest might have +preferred to either. Yet every Tamtonian is as vain of possessing this +incalculably small influence as if he were a Warwick in making kings and a +Bismarck in using them. He gives himself as many airs and graces as would +be appropriate to the display of an honest pin-feather upon the +pope's-nose of a mooley peacock. + +Each congenital idiot whom the ax-grinders name for the office of +_Tnediserp_ has upon the "ticket" with him a dead man, who stands or falls +with his leader. There is no way of voting for the idiot without voting +for the corpse also, and _vice versa_. When one of these precious couples +has been chosen the idiot in due time enters upon the duties of his office +and the corpse is put into an ice-chest and carefully preserved from +decay. If the idiot should himself become a corpse he is buried at once +and the other body is then haled out of its ice to take his place. It is +propped up in the seat of authority and duly instated in power. This is +the signal for a general attack upon it. It is subjected to every kind of +sacrilegious indignity, vituperated as a usurper and an "accident," struck +with rotten eggs and dead cats, and undergoes the meanest +misrepresentation. Its attitude in the chair, its fallen jaw, glazed eyes +and degree of decomposition are caricatured and exaggerated out of all +reason. Yet such as it is it must be endured for the unexpired term for +which its predecessor was chosen. To guard against a possible interregnum, +however, a law has recently been passed providing that if it should tumble +out of the chair and be too rotten to set up again its clerks +(_seiraterces_) are eligible to its place in a stated order of succession. +Here we have the amazing anomaly of the rulers of a "free" people actually +appointing their potential successors!--a thing inexpressibly repugnant to +all our ideas of popular government, but apparently regarded in Tamtonia +as a matter of course. + +During the few months intervening between the ax-men's selection of +candidates and the people's choice between those selected (a period known +as the _laitnediserp ngiapmac_) the Tamtonian character is seen at its +worst. There is no infamy too great or too little for the partisans of the +various candidates to commit and accuse their opponents of committing. +While every one of them declares, and in his heart believes, that honest +arguments have greater weight than dishonest; that falsehood reacts on the +falsifier's cause; that appeals to passion and prejudice are as +ineffectual as dishonorable, few have the strength and sense to deny +themselves the luxury of all these methods and worse ones. The laws +against bribery, made by themselves, are set at naught and those of +civility and good breeding are forgotten. The best of friends quarrel and +openly insult one another. The women, who know almost as little of the +matters at issue as the men, take part in the abominable discussions; some +even encouraging the general demoralization by showing themselves at the +public meetings, sometimes actually putting themselves into uniform and +marching in procession with banners, music and torchlights. + +I feel that this last statement will be hardly understood without +explanation. Among the agencies employed by the Tamtonians to prove that +one set of candidates is better than another, or to show that one +political policy is more likely than another to promote the general +prosperity, a high place is accorded to colored rags, flames of fire, +noises made upon brass instruments, inarticulate shouts, explosions of +gunpowder and lines of men walking and riding through the streets in cheap +and tawdry costumes more or less alike. Vast sums of money are expended to +procure these strange evidences of the personal worth of candidates and +the political sanity of ideas. It is very much as if a man should paint +his nose pea-green and stand on his head to convince his neighbors that +his pigs are fed on acorns. Of course the money subscribed for these +various controversial devices is not all wasted; the greater part of it is +pocketed by the ax-grinders by whom it is solicited, and who have invented +the system. That they have invented it for their own benefit seems not to +have occurred to the dupes who pay for it. In the universal madness +everybody believes whatever monstrous and obvious falsehood is told by the +leaders of his own _ytrap_, and nobody listens for a moment to the +exposures of their rascality. Reason has flown shrieking from the scene; +Caution slumbers by the wayside with unbuttoned pocket. It is the +opportunity of thieves! + +With a view to abating somewhat the horrors of this recurring season of +depravity, it has been proposed by several wise and decent Tamtonians to +extend the term of office of the _Tnediserp_ to six years instead of five, +but the sharpeners of axes are too powerful to be overthrown. They have +made the people believe that if the man whom the country chooses to rule +it because it thinks him wise and good were permitted to rule it too long +it would be impossible to displace him in punishment for his folly and +wickedness. It is, indeed, far more likely that the term of office will be +reduced to four years than extended to six. The effect can be no less than +hideous! + +In Tamtonia there is a current popular saying dating from many centuries +back and running this way: "_Eht eciffo dluohs kees eht nam, ton eht nam +eht eciffo_"--which may be translated thus: "No citizen ought to try to +secure power for himself, but should be selected by others for his fitness +to exercise it." The sentiment which this wise and decent phrase expresses +has long ceased to have a place in the hearts of those who are +everlastingly repeating it, but with regard to the office of _Tnediserp_ +it has still a remnant of the vitality of habit. This, however, is fast +dying out, and a few years ago one of the congenital idiots who was a +candidate for the highest dignity boldly broke the inhibition and made +speeches to the people in advocacy of himself, all over the country. Even +more recently another has uttered his preferences in much the same way, +but with this difference: he did his speechmaking at his own home, the +ax-grinders in his interest rounding up audiences for him and herding them +before his door. One of the two corpses, too, was galvanized into a kind +of ghastly activity and became a talking automaton; but the other had been +too long dead. In a few years more the decent tradition that a man should +not blow his own horn will be obsolete in its application to the high +office, as it is to all the others, but the popular saying will lose none +of its currency for that. + +To the American mind nothing can be more shocking than the Tamtonian +practice of openly soliciting political preferment and even paying money +to assist in securing it. With us such immodesty would be taken as proof +of the offender's unfitness to exercise the power which he asks for, or +bear the dignity which, in soliciting it, he belittles. Yet no Tamtonian +ever refused to take the hand of a man guilty of such conduct, and there +have been instances of fathers giving these greedy vulgarians the hands of +their daughters in marriage and thereby assisting to perpetuate the +species. The kind of government given by men who go about begging for the +right to govern can be more easily imagined than endured. In short, I +cannot help thinking that when, unable longer to bear with patience the +evils entailed by the vices and follies of its inhabitants, I sailed away +from the accursed island of Tamtonia, I left behind me the most pestilent +race of rascals and ignoramuses to be found anywhere in the universe; and +I never can sufficiently thank the divine Power who spared me the +disadvantage and shame of being one of them, and cast my lot in this +favored land of goodness and right reason, the blessed abode of public +morality and private worth--of liberty, conscience and common sense. + +I was not, however, to reach it without further detention in barbarous +countries. After being at sea four days I was seized by my mutinous crew, +set ashore upon an island, and having been made insensible by a blow upon +the head was basely abandoned. + + +MAROONED ON UG + +When I regained my senses I found myself lying on the strand a short +remove from the margin of the sea. It was high noon and an insupportable +itching pervaded my entire frame, that being the effect of sunshine in +that country, as heat is in ours. Having observed that the discomfort was +abated by the passing of a light cloud between me and the sun, I dragged +myself with some difficulty to a clump of trees near by and found +permanent relief in their shade. As soon as I was comfortable enough to +examine my surroundings I saw that the trees were of metal, apparently +copper, with leaves of what resembled pure silver, but may have contained +alloy. Some of the trees bore burnished flowers shaped like bells, and in +a breeze the tinkling as they clashed together was exceedingly sweet. The +grass with which the open country was covered as far as I could see +amongst the patches of forest was of a bright scarlet hue, excepting along +the water-courses, where it was white. Lazily cropping it at some little +distance away, or lying in it, indolently chewing the cud and attended by +a man half-clad in skins and bearing a crook, was a flock of tigers. My +travels in New Jersey having made me proof against surprise, I +contemplated these several visible phenomena without emotion, and with a +merely expectant interest in what might be revealed by further +observation. + +The tigerherd having perceived me, now came striding forward, brandishing +his crook and shaking his fists with great vehemence, gestures which I +soon learned were, in that country, signs of amity and good-will. But +before knowing that fact I had risen to my feet and thrown myself into a +posture of defense, and as he approached I led for his head with my left, +following with a stiff right upon his solar plexus, which sent him rolling +on the grass in great pain. After learning something of the social customs +of the country I felt extreme mortification in recollecting this breach of +etiquette, and even to this day I cannot think upon it without a blush. + +Such was my first meeting with Jogogle-Zadester, Pastor-King of Ug, the +wisest and best of men. Later in our acquaintance, when I had for a long +time been an honored guest at his court, where a thousand fists were +ceremoniously shaken under my nose daily, he explained that my luke-warm +reception of his hospitable advances gave him, for the moment, an +unfavorable impression of my breeding and culture. + +The island of Ug, upon which I had been marooned, lies in the Southern +Hemisphere, but has neither latitude nor longitude. It has an area of +nearly seven hundred square _samtains_ and is peculiar in shape, its width +being considerably greater than its length. Politically it is a limited +monarchy, the right of succession to the throne being vested in the +sovereign's father, if he have one; if not in his grandfather, and so on +upward in the line of ascent. (As a matter of fact there has not within +historic times been a legitimate succession, even the great and good +Jogogle-Zadester being a usurper chosen by popular vote.) To assist him in +governing, the King is given a parliament, the Uggard word for which is +_gabagab_, but its usefulness is greatly circumscribed by the _Blubosh_, +or Constitution, which requires that every measure, in order to become a +law, shall have an affirmative majority of the actual members, yet forbids +any member to vote who has not a distinct pecuniary interest in the +result. I was once greatly amused by a spirited contest over a matter of +harbor improvement, each of two proposed harbors having its advocates. One +of these gentlemen, a most eloquent patriot, held the floor for hours in +advocacy of the port where he had an interest in a projected mill for +making dead kittens into cauliflower pickles; while other members were +being vigorously persuaded by one who at the other place had a clam ranch. +In a debate in the Uggard _gabagab_ no one can have a "standing" except a +party in interest; and as a consequence of this enlightened policy every +bill that is passed is found to be most intelligently adapted to its +purpose. + +The original intent of this requirement was that members having no +pecuniary interest in a proposed law at the time of its inception should +not embarrass the proceedings and pervert the result; but the inhibition +is now thought to be sufficiently observed by formal public acceptance of +a nominal bribe to vote one way or the other. It is of course understood +that behind the nominal bribe is commonly a more substantial one of which +there is no record. To an American accustomed to the incorrupt methods of +legislation in his own country the spectacle of every member of the Uggard +_gabagab_ qualifying himself to vote by marching up, each in his turn as +his name is called, to the proponent of the bill, or to its leading +antagonist, and solemnly receiving a _tonusi_ (the smallest coin of the +realm) is exceedingly novel. When I ventured to mention to the King my +lack of faith in the principle upon which this custom is founded, he +replied: + +"Heart of my soul, if you and your compatriots distrust the honesty and +intelligence of an interested motive why is it that in your own courts of +law, as you describe them, no private citizen can institute a civil action +to right the wrongs of anybody but himself?" + +I had nothing to say and the King proceeded: "And why is it that your +judges will listen to no argument from any one who has not acquired a +selfish concern in the matter?" + +"O, your Majesty," I answered with animation, "they listen to +attorneys-general, district attorneys and salaried officers of the law +generally, whose prosperity depends in no degree upon their success; who +prosecute none but those whom they believe to be guilty; who are careful +to present no false nor misleading testimony and argument; who are +solicitous that even the humblest accused person shall be accorded every +legal right and every advantage to which he is entitled; who, in brief, +are animated by the most humane sentiments and actuated by the purest and +most unselfish motives." + +The King's discomfiture was pitiful: he retired at once from the capital +and passed a whole year pasturing his flock of tigers in the solitudes +beyond the River of Wine. Seeing that I would henceforth be _persona non +grata_ at the palace, I sought obscurity in the writing and publication of +books. In this vocation I was greatly assisted by a few standard works +that had been put ashore with me in my sea-chest. + +The literature of Ug is copious and of high merit, but consists altogether +of fiction--mainly history, biography, theology and novels. Authors of +exceptional excellence receive from the state marks of signal esteem, +being appointed to the positions of laborers in the Department of Highways +and Cemeteries. Having been so fortunate as to win public favor and +attract official attention by my locally famous works, "The Decline and +Fall of the Roman Empire," "David Copperfield," "Pilgrim's Progress," and +"Ben Hur," I was myself that way distinguished and my future assured. +Unhappily, through ignorance of the duties and dignities of the position I +had the mischance to accept a gratuity for sweeping a street crossing and +was compelled to flee for my life. + +Disguising myself as a sailor I took service on a ship that sailed due +south into the unknown Sea. + +It is now many years since my marooning on Ug, but my recollection of the +country, its inhabitants and their wonderful manners and customs is +exceedingly vivid. Some small part of what most interested me I shall here +set down. + +The Uggards are, or fancy themselves, a warlike race: nowhere in those +distant seas are there any islanders so vain of their military power, the +consciousness of which they acquired chiefly by fighting one another. Many +years ago, however, they had a war with the people of another island +kingdom, called Wug. The Wuggards held dominion over a third island, +Scamadumclitchclitch, whose people had tried to throw off the yoke. In +order to subdue them--at least to tears--it was decided to deprive them of +garlic, the sole article of diet known to them and the Wuggards, and in +that country dug out of the ground like coal. So the Wuggards in the +rebellious island stopped up all the garlic mines, supplying their own +needs by purchase from foreign trading proas. Having few cowrie shells, +with which to purchase, the poor Scamadumclitchclitchians suffered a great +distress, which so touched the hearts of the compassionate Uggards--a most +humane and conscientious people--that they declared war against the +Wuggards and sent a fleet of proas to the relief of the sufferers. The +fleet established a strict blockade of every port in Scamadumclitchclitch, +and not a clove of garlic could enter the island. That compelled the +Wuggard army of occupation to reopen the mines for its own subsistence. + +All this was told to me by the great and good and wise Jogogle-Zadester, +King of Ug. + +"But, your Majesty," I said, "what became of the poor +Scamadumclitchclitchians?" + +"They all died," he answered with royal simplicity. + +"Then your Majesty's humane intervention," I said, "was not +entirely--well, fattening?" + +"The fortune of war," said the King, gravely, looking over my head to +signify that the interview was at an end; and I retired from the Presence +on hands and feet, as is the etiquette in that country. + +As soon as I was out of hearing I threw a stone in the direction of the +palace and said: "I never in my life heard of such a cold-blooded +scoundrel!" + +In conversation with the King's Prime Minister, the famous Grumsquutzy, I +asked him how it was that Ug, being a great military power, was apparently +without soldiers. + +"Sir," he replied, courteously shaking his fist under my nose in sign of +amity, "know that when Ug needs soldiers she enlists them. At the end of +the war they are put to death." + +"Visible embodiment of a great nation's wisdom," I said, "far be it from +me to doubt the expediency of that military method; but merely as a matter +of economy would it not be better to keep an army in time of peace than to +be compelled to create one in time of war?" + +"Ug is rich," he replied; "we do not have to consider matters of economy. +There is among our people a strong and instinctive distrust of a standing +army." + +"What are they afraid of," I asked--what do they fear that it will do?" + +"It is not what the army may do," answered the great man, "but what it may +prevent others from doing. You must know that we have in this land a thing +known as Industrial Discontent." + +"Ah, I see," I exclaimed, interrupting--"the industrial classes fear that +the army may destroy, or at least subdue, their discontent." + +The Prime Minister reflected profoundly, standing the while, in order that +he might assist his faculties by scratching himself, even as we, when +thinking, scratch our heads. + +"No," he said presently; "I don't think that is quite what they +apprehend--they and the writers and statesmen who speak for them. As I +said before, what is feared in a case of industrial discontent is the +army's preventive power. But I am myself uncertain what it is that these +good souls dislike to have the army prevent. I shall take the customary +means to learn." + +Having occasion on the next day to enter the great audience hall of the +palace I observed in gigantic letters running across the entire side +opposite the entrance this surprising inscription: + +"In a strike, what do you fear that the army will prevent which ought to +be done?" + +Facing the entrance sat Grumsquutzy, in his robes of office and surrounded +by an armed guard. At a little distance stood two great black slaves, each +bearing a scourge of thongs. All about them the floor was slippery with +blood. While I wondered at all this two policemen entered, having between +them one whom I recognized as a professional Friend of the People, a great +orator, keenly concerned for the interests of Labor. Shown the inscription +and unable or unwilling to answer, he was given over to the two blacks +and, being stripped to the skin, was beaten with the whips until he bled +copiously and his cries resounded through the palace. His ears were then +shorn away and he was thrown into the street. Another Friend of the People +was brought in, and treated in the same way; and the inquiry was +continued, day after day, until all had been interrogated. But Grumsquutzy +got no answer. + +A most extraordinary and interesting custom of the Uggards is called the +_Naganag_ and has existed, I was told, for centuries. Immediately after +every war, and before the returned army is put to death, the chieftains +who have held high command and their official head, the Minister of +National Displeasure, are conducted with much pomp to the public square of +Nabootka, the capital. Here all are stripped naked, deprived of their +sight with a hot iron and armed with a club each. They are then locked in +the square, which has an inclosing wall thirty _clowgebs_ high. A signal +is given and they begin to fight. At the end of three days the place is +entered and searched. If any of the dead bodies has an unbroken bone in it +the survivors are boiled in wine; if not they are smothered in butter. + +Upon the advantages of this custom--which surely has not its like in the +whole world--I could get little light. One public official told me its +purpose was "peace among the victorious"; another said it was "for +gratification of the military instinct in high places," though if that is +so one is disposed to ask "What was the war for?" The Prime Minister, +profoundly learned in all things else, could not enlighten me, and the +commander-in-chief in the Wuggard war could only tell me, while on his way +to the public square, that it was "to vindicate the truth of history." + +In all the wars in which Ug has engaged in historic times that with Wug +was the most destructive of life. Excepting among the comparatively few +troops that had the hygienic and preservative advantage of personal +collision with the enemy, the mortality was appalling. Regiments exposed +to the fatal conditions of camp life in their own country died like flies +in a frost. So pathetic were the pleas of the sufferers to be led against +the enemy and have a chance to live that none hearing them could forbear +to weep. Finally a considerable number of them went to the seat of war, +where they began an immediate attack upon a fortified city, for their +health; but the enemy's resistance was too brief materially to reduce the +death rate and the men were again in the hands of their officers. On their +return to Ug they were so few that the public executioners charged with +the duty of reducing the army to a peace footing were themselves made ill +by inactivity. + +As to the navy, the war with Wug having shown the Uggard sailors to be +immortal, their government knows not how to get rid of them, and remains a +great sea power in spite of itself. I ventured to suggest mustering out, +but neither the King nor any Minister of State was able to form a +conception of any method of reduction and retrenchment but that of the +public headsman. + +It is said--I do not know with how much truth--that the defeat of Wug was +made easy by a certain malicious prevision of the Wuggards themselves: +something of the nature of heroic self-sacrifice, the surrender of a +present advantage for a terrible revenge in the future. As an instance, +the commander of the fortified city already mentioned is reported to have +ordered his garrison to kill as few of their assailants as possible. + +"It is true," he explained to his subordinates, who favored a defense to +the death--"it is true this will lose us the place, but there are other +places; you have not thought of that." + +They had not thought of that. + +"It is true, too, that we shall be taken prisoners, but"--and he smiled +grimly--"we have fairly good appetites, and we must be fed. That will cost +something, I take it. But that is not the best of it. Look at that vast +host of our enemies--each one of them a future pensioner on a fool people. +If there is among us one man who would willingly deprive the Uggard +treasury of a single dependent--who would spare the Uggard pigs one +_gukwam_ of expense, let the traitor stand forth." + +No traitor stood forth, and in the ensuing battles the garrison, it is +said, fired only blank cartridges, and such of the assailants as were +killed incurred that mischance by falling over their own feet. + +It is estimated by Wuggard statisticians that in twenty years from the +close of the war the annual appropriation for pensions in Ug will amount +to no less than one hundred and sixty _gumdums_ to every enlisted man in +the kingdom. But they know not the Uggard customs of exterminating the +army. + + +THE DOG IN GANEGWAG + + +A about the end of the thirty-seventh month of our voyage due south from +Ug we sighted land, and although the coast appeared wild and inhospitable, +the captain decided to send a boat ashore in search of fresh water and +provisions, of which we were in sore need. I was of the boat's crew and +thought myself fortunate in being able to set foot again upon the earth. +There were seven others in the landing party, including the mate, who +commanded. + +Selecting a sheltered cove, which appeared to be at the mouth of a small +creek, we beached the boat, and leaving two men to guard it started inland +toward a grove of trees. Before we reached it an animal came out of it and +advanced confidently toward us, showing no signs of either fear or +hostility. It was a hideous creature, not altogether like anything that we +had ever seen, but on its close approach we recognized it as a dog, of an +unimaginably loathsome breed. As we were nearly famished one of the +sailors shot it for food. Instantly a great crowd of persons, who had +doubtless been watching us from among the trees, rushed upon us with +fierce exclamations and surrounded us, making the most threatening +gestures and brandishing unfamiliar weapons. Unable to resist such odds we +were seized, bound with cords and dragged into the forest almost before we +knew what had happened to us. Observing the nature of our reception the +ship's crew hastily weighed anchor and sailed away. We never again saw +them. + +Beyond the trees concealing it from the sea was a great city, and thither +we were taken. It was Gumammam, the capital of Ganegwag, whose people are +dog-worshipers. The fate of my companions I never learned, for although I +remained in the country for seven years, much of the time as a prisoner, +and learned to speak its language, no answer was ever given to my many +inquiries about my unfortunate friends. + +The Ganegwagians are an ancient race with a history covering a period of +ten thousand _supintroes_. In stature they are large, in color blue, with +crimson hair and yellow eyes. They live to a great age, sometimes as much +as twenty _supintroes_, their climate being so wholesome that even the +aged have to sail to a distant island in order to die. Whenever a +sufficient number of them reach what they call "the age of going away" +they embark on a government ship and in the midst of impressive public +rites and ceremonies set sail for "the Isle of the Happy Change." Of their +strange civilization, their laws, manners and customs, their copper +clothing and liquid houses I have written--at perhaps too great length--in +my famous book, "Ganegwag the Incredible." Here I shall confine myself to +their religion, certainly the most amazing form of superstition in the +world. + +Nowhere, it is believed, but in Ganegwag has so vile a creature as the dog +obtained general recognition as a deity. There this filthy beast is +considered so divine that it is freely admitted to the domestic circle and +cherished as an honored guest. Scarcely a family that is able to support a +dog is without one, and some have as many as a half-dozen. Indeed, the dog +is the special deity of the poor, those families having most that are +least able to maintain them. In some sections of the country, particularly +the southern and southwestern provinces, the number of dogs is estimated +to be greater than that of the children, as is the cost of their +maintenance. In families of the rich they are fewer in number, but more +sacredly cherished, especially by the female members, who lavish upon them +a wealth of affection not always granted to the husband and children, and +distinguish them with indescribable attentions and endearments. + +Nowhere is the dog compelled to make any other return for all this honor +and benefaction than a fawning and sycophantic demeanor toward those who +bestow them and an insulting and injurious attitude toward strangers who +have dogs of their own, and toward other dogs. In any considerable town of +the realm not a day passes but the public newsman relates in the most +matter-of-fact and unsympathetic way to his circle of listless auditors +painful instances of human beings, mostly women and children, bitten and +mangled by these ferocious animals without provocation. + +In addition to these ravages of the dog in his normal state are a vastly +greater number of outrages committed by the sacred animal in the fury of +insanity, for he has an hereditary tendency to madness, and in that state +his bite is incurable, the victim awaiting in the most horrible agony the +sailing of the next ship to the Isle of the Happy Change, his suffering +imperfectly medicined by expressions of public sympathy for the dog. + +A cynical citizen of Gumammam said to the writer of this narrative: "My +countrymen have three hundred kinds of dogs, and only one way to hang a +thief." Yet all the dogs are alike in this, that none is respectable. + +Withal, it must be said of this extraordinary people that their horrible +religion is free from the hollow forms and meaningless ceremonies in which +so many superstitions of the lower races find expression. It is a religion +of love, practical, undemonstrative, knowing nothing of pageantry and +spectacle. It is hidden in the lives and hearts of the people; a stranger +would hardly know of its existence as a distinct faith. Indeed, other +faiths and better ones (one of them having some resemblance to a debased +form of Christianity) co-exist with it, sometimes in the same mind. +Cynolatry is tolerant so long as the dog is not denied an equal divinity +with the deities of other faiths. Nevertheless, I could not think of the +people of Ganegwag without contempt and loathing; so it was with no small +joy that I sailed for the contiguous island of Ghargaroo to consult, +according to my custom, the renowned statesman and philosopher, +Juptka-Getch, who was accounted the wisest man in all the world, and held +in so high esteem that no one dared speak to him without the sovereign's +permission, countersigned by the Minister of Morals and Manners. + + +A CONFLAGRATION IN GHARGAROO + +Through the happy accident of having a mole on the left side of my nose, +as had also a cousin of the Prime Minister, I obtained a royal rescript +permitting me to speak to the great Juptka-Getch, and went humbly to his +dwelling, which, to my astonishment, I found to be an unfurnished cave in +the side of a mountain. Inexpressibly surprised to observe that a favorite +of the sovereign and the people was so meanly housed, I ventured, after my +salutation, to ask how this could be so. Regarding me with an indulgent +smile, the venerable man, who was about two hundred and fifty years old +and entirely bald, explained. + +"In one of our Sacred Books, of which we have three thousand," said he, +"it is written, '_Golooloo ek wakwah betenka_,' and in another, '_Jebeb uq +seedroy im aboltraqu ocrux ti smelkit_.'" + +Translated, these mean, respectively, "The poor are blessed," and, "Heaven +is not easily entered by those who are rich." + +I asked Juptka-Getch if his countrymen really gave to these texts a +practical application in the affairs of life. + +"Why, surely," he replied, "you cannot think us such fools as to disregard +the teachings of our gods! That would be madness. I cannot imagine a +people so mentally and morally depraved as that! Can you?" + +Observing me blushing and stammering, he inquired the cause of my +embarrassment. "The thought of so incredible a thing confuses me," I +managed to reply. "But tell me if in your piety and wisdom you really +stripped yourself of all your property in order to obey the gods and get +the benefit of indigence." + +"I did not have to do so," he replied with a smile; "my King attended to +that. When he wishes to distinguish one of his subjects by a mark of his +favor, he impoverishes him to such a degree as will attest the exact +measure of the royal approbation. I am proud to say that he took from me +all that I had." + +"But, pardon me," I said; "how does it occur that among a people which +regards poverty as the greatest earthly good all are not poor? I observe +here as much wealth and 'prosperity' as in my own country." + +Juptka-Getch smiled and after a few moments answered: "The only person in +this country that owns anything is the King; in the service of his people +he afflicts himself with that burden. All property, of whatsoever kind, is +his, to do with as he will. He divides it among his subjects in the ratio +of their demerit, as determined by the _waguks_--local officers--whose +duty it is to know personally every one in their jurisdiction. To the most +desperate and irreclaimable criminals is allotted the greatest wealth, +which is taken from them, little by little, as they show signs of +reformation." + +"But what," said I, "is to prevent the wicked from becoming poor at any +time? How can the King and his officers keep the unworthy, suffering the +punishment and peril of wealth, from giving it away?" + +"To whom, for example?" replied the illustrious man, taking the forefinger +of his right hand into his mouth, as is the fashion in Ghargaroo when +awaiting an important communication. The respectful formality of the +posture imperfectly concealed the irony of the question, but I was not of +the kind to be easily silenced. + +"One might convert one's property into money," I persisted, "and throw the +money into the sea." + +Juptka-Getch released the finger and gravely answered: "Every person in +Ghargaroo is compelled by law to keep minute accounts of his income and +expenditures, and must swear to them. There is an annual appraisement by +the _waguk_, and any needless decrease in the value of an estate is +punished by breaking the offender's legs. Expenditures for luxuries and +high living are, of course, approved, for it is universally known among +us, and attested by many popular proverbs, that the pleasures of the rich +are vain and disappointing. So they are considered a part of the +punishment, and not only allowed but required. A man sentenced to wealth +who lives frugally, indulging in only rational and inexpensive delights, +has his ears cut off for the first offense, and for the second is +compelled to pass six months at court, participating in all the gaieties, +extravagances and pleasures of the capital, and----" + +"Most illustrious of mortals," I said, turning a somersault--the +Ghargarese manner of interrupting a discourse without offense--"I am as +the dust upon your beard, but in my own country I am esteemed no fool, and +right humbly do I perceive that you are _ecxroptug nemk puttog peleemy_." + +This expression translates, literally, "giving me a fill," a phrase +without meaning in our tongue, but in Ghargarese it appears to imply +incredulity. + +"The gaieties of the King's court," I continued, "must be expensive. The +courtiers of the sovereign's entourage, the great officers of the +realm--surely they are not condemned to wealth, like common criminals!" + +"My son," said Juptka-Getch, tearing out a handful of his beard to signify +his tranquillity under accusation, "your doubt of my veracity is noted +with satisfaction, but it is not permitted to you to impeach my +sovereign's infallible knowledge of character. His courtiers, the great +officers of the realm, as you truly name them, are the richest men in the +country because he knows them to be the greatest rascals. After each +annual reapportionment of the national wealth he settles upon them the +unallotted surplus." + +Prostrating myself before the eminent philosopher, I craved his pardon for +my doubt of his sovereign's wisdom and consistency, and begged him to cut +off my head. + +"Nay," he said, "you have committed the unpardonable sin and I cannot +consent to bestow upon you the advantages of death. You shall continue to +live the thing that you are." + +"What!" I cried, remembering the Lalugwumps and Gnarmag-Zote, "is it +thought in Ghargaroo that death is an advantage, a blessing?" + +"Our Sacred Books," he said, "are full of texts affirming the vanity of +life." + +"Then," I said, "I infer that the death penalty is unknown to your laws!" + +"We have the life penalty instead. Convicted criminals are not only +enriched, as already explained, but by medical attendance kept alive as +long as possible. On the contrary, the very righteous, who have been +rewarded with poverty, are permitted to die whenever it pleases them. + +"Do not the Sacred Books of your country teach the vanity of life, the +blessedness of poverty and the wickedness of wealth?" + +"They do, O Most Illustrious, they do." + +"And your countrymen believe?" + +"Surely--none but the foolish and depraved entertain a doubt." + +"Then I waste my breath in expounding laws and customs already known to +you. You have, of course, the same." + +At this I averted my face and blushed so furiously that the walls of the +cave were illuminated with a wavering crimson like the light of a great +conflagration! Thinking that the capital city was ablaze, Juptka-Getch ran +from the cave's mouth, crying, "Fire, fire!" and I saw him no more. + + +AN EXECUTION IN BATRUGIA + +My next voyage was not so prosperous. By violent storms lasting seven +weeks, during which we saw neither the sun nor the stars, our ship was +driven so far out of its course that the captain had no knowledge of where +we were. At the end of that period we were blown ashore and wrecked on a +coast so wild and desolate that I had never seen anything so terrifying. +Through a manifest interposition of Divine Providence I was spared, though +all my companions perished miserably in the waves that had crushed the +ship among the rocks. + +As soon as I was sufficiently recovered from my fatigue and bruises, and +had rendered thanks to merciful Heaven for my deliverance, I set out for +the interior of the country, taking with me a cutlas for protection +against wild beasts and a bag of sea-biscuit for sustenance. I walked +vigorously, for the weather was then cool and pleasant, and after I had +gone a few miles from the inhospitable coast I found the country open and +level. The earth was covered with a thick growth of crimson grass, and at +wide intervals were groups of trees. These were very tall, their tops in +many instances invisible in a kind of golden mist, or haze, which proved +to be, not a transient phenomenon, but a permanent one, for never in that +country has the sun been seen, nor is there any night. The haze seems to +be self-luminous, giving a soft, yellow light, so diffused that shadows +are unknown. The land is abundantly supplied with pools and rivulets, +whose water is of a beautiful orange color and has a pleasing perfume +somewhat like attar of rose. I observed all this without surprise and with +little apprehension, and went forward, feeling that anything, however +novel and mysterious, was better than the familiar terrors of the sea and +the coast. + +After traveling a long time, though how long I had not the means to +determine, I arrived at the city of Momgamwo, the capital of the kingdom +of Batrugia, on the mainland of the Hidden Continent, where it is always +twelve o'clock. + +The Batrugians are of gigantic stature, but mild and friendly disposition. +They offered me no violence, seeming rather amused by my small stature. +One of them, who appeared to be a person of note and consequence, took me +to his house (their houses are but a single story in height and built of +brass blocks), set food before me, and by signs manifested the utmost good +will. A long time afterward, when I had learned the language of the +country, he explained that he had recognized me as an American pigmy, a +race of which he had some little knowledge through a letter from a +brother, who had been in my country. He showed me the letter, of which the +chief part is here presented in translation: + +"You ask me, my dear Tgnagogu, to relate my adventures among the +Americans, as they call themselves. My adventures were very brief, lasting +altogether not more than three _gumkas_, and most of the time was passed +in taking measures for my own safety. + +"My skyship, which had been driven for six moons before an irresistible +gale, passed over a great city just at daylight one morning, and rather +than continue the voyage with a lost reckoning I demanded that I be +permitted to disembark. My wish was respected, and my companions soared +away without me. Before night I had escaped from the city, by what means +you know, and with my remarkable experiences in returning to civilization +all Batrugia is familiar. The description of the strange city I have +reserved for you, by whom only could I hope to be believed. Nyork, as its +inhabitants call it, is a city of inconceivable extent--not less, I should +judge, than seven square _glepkeps_! Of the number of its inhabitants I +can only say that they are as the sands of the desert. They wear +clothing--of a hideous kind, 'tis true--speak an apparently copious though +harsh language, and seem to have a certain limited intelligence. They are +puny in stature, the tallest of them being hardly higher than my breast. + +"Nevertheless, Nyork is a city of giants. The magnitude of all things +artificial there is astounding! My dear Tgnagogu, words can give you no +conception of it. Many of the buildings, I assure you, are as many as +fifty _sprugas_ in height, and shelter five thousand persons each. And +these stupendous structures are so crowded together that to the spectator +in the narrow streets below they seem utterly devoid of design and +symmetry--mere monstrous aggregations of brick, stone and metal--mountains +of masonry, cliffs and crags of architecture hanging in the sky! + +"A city of giants inhabited by pigmies! For you must know, oh friend of my +liver, that the rearing of these mighty structures could not be the work +of the puny folk that swarm in ceaseless activity about their bases. These +fierce little savages invaded the island in numbers so overwhelming that +the giant builders had to flee before them. Some escaped across great +bridges which, with the help of their gods, they had suspended in the air +from bank to bank of a wide river parting the island from the mainland, +but many could do no better than mount some of the buildings that they had +reared, and there, in these inaccessible altitudes, they dwell to-day, +still piling stone upon stone. Whether they do this in obedience to their +instinct as builders, or in hope to escape by way of the heavens, I had +not the means to learn, being ignorant of the pigmy tongue and in +continual fear of the crowds that followed me. + +"You can see the giants toiling away up there in the sky, laying in place +the enormous beams and stones which none but they could handle. They look +no bigger than beetles, but you know that they are many _sprugas_ in +stature, and you shudder to think what would ensue if one should lose his +footing. Fancy that great bulk whirling down to earth from so dizzy an +altitude!... + +"May birds ever sing above your grave. + +"JOQUOLK WAK MGAPY." + +By my new friend, Tgnagogu, I was presented to the King, a most +enlightened monarch, who not only reigned over, but ruled absolutely, the +most highly civilized people in the world. He received me with gracious +hospitality, quartered me in the palace of his Prime Minister, gave me for +wives the three daughters of his Lord Chamberlain, and provided me with an +ample income from the public revenues. Within a year I had made a fair +acquaintance with the Batrugian language, and was appointed royal +interpreter, with a princely salary, although no one speaking any other +tongue, myself and two native professors of rhetoric excepted, had ever +been seen in the kingdom. + +One day I heard a great tumult in the street, and going to a window saw, +in a public square opposite, a crowd of persons surrounding some high +officials who were engaged in cutting off a man's head. Just before the +executioner delivered the fatal stroke, the victim was asked if he had +anything to say. He explained with earnestness that the deed for which he +was about to suffer had been inspired and commanded by a brass-headed cow +and four bushels of nightingales' eggs! + +"Hold! hold!" I shouted in Batrugian, leaping from the window and forcing +a way through the throng; "the man is obviously insane!" + +"Friend," said a man in a long blue robe, gently restraining me, "it is +not proper for you to interrupt these high proceedings with irrelevant +remarks. The luckless gentleman who, in accordance with my will as Lord +Chief Justice, has just had the happiness to part with his head was so +inconsiderate as to take the life of a fellow-subject." + +"But he was insane," I persisted, "clearly and indisputably _ptig nupy +uggydug_!"--a phrase imperfectly translatable, meaning, as near as may be, +having flitter-mice in his campanile. + +"Am I to infer," said the Lord Chief Justice, "that in your own honorable +country a person accused of murder is permitted to plead insanity as a +reason why he should not be put to death?" + +"Yes, illustrious one," I replied, respectfully, "we regard that as a good +defense." + +"Well," said he slowly, but with extreme emphasis, "I'll be _Gook +swottled_!" + +("_Gook_," I may explain, is the name of the Batrugian chief deity; but +for the verb "to swottle" the English tongue has no equivalent. It seems +to signify the deepest disapproval, and by a promise to be "_swottled_" a +Batrugian denotes acute astonishment.) + +"Surely," I said, "so wise and learned a person as you cannot think it +just to punish with death one who does not know right from wrong. The +gentleman who has just now renounced his future believed himself to have +been commanded to do what he did by a brass-headed cow and four bushels of +nightingales' eggs--powers to which he acknowledged a spiritual +allegiance. To have disobeyed would have been, from his point of view, an +infraction of a law higher than that of man." + +"Honorable but erring stranger," replied the famous jurist, "if we +permitted the prisoner in a murder trial to urge such a consideration as +that--if our laws recognized any other justification than that he believed +himself in peril of immediate death or great bodily injury--nearly all +assassins would make some such defense. They would plead insanity of some +kind and degree, and it would be almost impossible to establish their +guilt. Murder trials would be expensive and almost interminable, defiled +with perjury and sentiment. Juries would be deluded and confused, justice +baffled, and red-handed man-killers turned loose to repeat their crimes +and laugh at the law. Even as the law is, in a population of only one +hundred million we have had no fewer than three homicides in less than +twenty years! With such statutes and customs as yours we should have had +at least twice as many. Believe me, I know my people; they have not the +American respect for human life." + +As blushing is deemed in Batrugia a sign of pride, I turned my back upon +the speaker--an act which, fortunately, signifies a desire to hear more. + +"Law," he continued, "is for the good of the greatest number. Execution of +an actual lunatic now and then is not an evil to the community, nor, when +rightly considered, to the lunatic himself. He is better off when dead, +and society is profited by his removal. We are spared the cost of exposing +imposture, the humiliation of acquitting the guilty, the peril of their +freedom, the contagion of their evil example." + +"In my country," I said, "we have a saying to the effect that it is better +that ninety-nine guilty escape than that one innocent be punished." + +"It is better," said he, "for the ninety-nine guilty, but distinctly worse +for everybody else. Sir," he concluded with chilling austerity, "I infer +from their proverb that your countrymen are the most offensive blockheads +in existence." + +By way of refutation I mentioned the English, indignantly withdrew from +the country and set sail for Gokeetle-guk, or, as we should translate the +name, Trustland. + + +THE JUMJUM OF GOKEETLE-GUK + +Arriving at the capital of the country after many incredible adventures, I +was promptly arrested by the police and taken before the Jumjum. He was an +exceedingly affable person, and held office by appointment, "for life or +fitness," as their laws express it. With one necessary exception all +offices are appointive and the tenure of all except that is the same. The +Panjandrum, or, as we should call him, King, is elected for a term of ten +years, at the expiration of which he is shot. It is held that any man who +has been so long in high authority will have committed enough sins and +blunders to deserve death, even if none can be specifically proved. + +Brought into the presence of the Jumjum, who graciously saluted me, I was +seated on a beautiful rug and told in broken English by an interpreter who +had escaped from Kansas that I was at liberty to ask any questions that I +chose. + +"Your Highness," I said, addressing the Jumjum through the interpreting +Populist, "I fear that I do not understand; I expected, not to ask +questions, but to have to answer them. I am ready to give such an account +of myself as will satisfy you that I am an honest man--neither a criminal +nor a spy." + +"The gentleman seems to regard himself with a considerable interest," said +the Jumjum, aside to an officer of his suite--a remark which the +interpreter, with characteristic intelligence, duly repeated to me. Then +addressing me the Jumjum said: + +"Doubtless your personal character is an alluring topic, but it is +relevant to nothing in any proceedings that can be taken here. When a +foreigner arrives in our capital he is brought before me to be instructed +in whatever he may think it expedient for him to know of the manners, +customs, laws, and so forth, of the country that he honors with his +presence. It matters nothing to us what he is, but much to him what we +are. You are at liberty to inquire." + +I was for a moment overcome with emotion by so noble an example of +official civility and thoughtfulness, then, after a little reflection, I +said: "May it please your Highness, I should greatly like to be informed +of the origin of the name of your esteemed country." + +"Our country," said the Jumjum, acknowledging the compliment by a movement +of his ears, "is called Trustland because all its industries, trades and +professions are conducted by great aggregations of capital known as +'trusts.' They do the entire business of the country." + +"Good God!" I exclaimed; "what a terrible state of affairs that is! I know +about trusts. Why do your people not rise and throw off the yoke?" + +"You are pleased to be unintelligible," said the great man, with a smile. +"Would you mind explaining what you mean by 'the yoke'?" + +"I mean," said I, surprised by his ignorance of metaphor, but reflecting +that possibly the figures of rhetoric were not used in that country--"I +mean the oppression, the slavery under which your people groan, their +bond-age to the tyrannical trusts, entailing poverty, unrequited toil and +loss of self-respect." + +"Why, as to that," he replied, "our people are prosperous and happy. There +is very little poverty and what there is is obviously the result of vice +or improvidence. Our labor is light and all the necessaries of life, many +of the comforts and some of the luxuries are abundant and cheap. I hardly +know what you mean by the tyranny of the trusts; they do not seem to care +to be tyrannous, for each having the entire market for what it produces, +its prosperity is assured and there is none of the strife and competition +which, as I can imagine, might breed hardness and cruelty. Moreover, we +should not let them be tyrannous. Why should we?" + +"But, your Highness, suppose, for example, the trust that manufactures +safety pins should decide to double the price of its product. What is to +prevent great injury to the consumer?" + +"The courts. Having but one man--the responsible manager--to deal with, +protective legislation and its enforcement would be a very simple matter. +If there were a thousand manufacturers of safety pins, scattered all over +the country in as many jurisdictions, there would be no controlling them +at all. They would cheat, not only one another but the consumers, with +virtual immunity. But there is no disposition among our trusts to do any +such thing. Each has the whole market, as I said, and each has learned by +experience what the manager of a large business soon must learn, and what +the manager of a small one probably would not learn and could not afford +to apply if he knew it--namely, that low prices bring disproportionately +large sales and therefore profits. Prices in this country are never put up +except when some kind of scarcity increases the cost of production. +Besides, nearly all the consumers are a part of the trusts, the stock of +which is about the best kind of property for investment." + +"What!" I cried,--"do not the managers so manipulate the stock by +'watering' it and otherwise as to fool and cheat the small investors?" + +"We should not permit them. That would be dishonest." + +"So it is in my country," I replied, rather tartly, for I believed his +apparent _naivete_ assumed for my confusion, "but we are unable to prevent +it." + +He looked at me somewhat compassionately, I thought. "Perhaps," he said, +"not enough of you really wish to prevent it. Perhaps your people +are--well, different from mine--not worse, you understand--just +different." + +I felt the blood go into my cheeks and hot words were upon my tongue's +end, but I restrained them; the conditions for a quarrel were not +favorable to my side of it. When I had mastered my chagrin and resentment +I said: + +"In my country when trusts are formed a great number of persons suffer, +whether the general consumer does or not--many small dealers, middle men, +drummers and general employees. The small dealer is driven out of the +business by underselling. The middle man is frequently ignored, the trust +dealing directly, or nearly so, with the consumer. The drummer is +discharged because, competition having disappeared, custom must come +without solicitation. Consolidation lets out swarms of employees of the +individual concerns consolidated, for it is nearly as easy to conduct one +large concern as a dozen smaller ones. These people get great sympathy +from the public and the newspapers and their case is obviously pitiable. +Was it not so in this country during the transition stage, and did not +these poor gentlemen have to"--the right words would not come; I hardly +knew how to finish. "Were they not compelled to go to work?" I finally +asked, rather humbly. + +The great official was silent for several minutes. Then he spoke. + +"I am not sure that I understand you about our transition state. So far as +our history goes matters with us have always been as they are to-day. To +suppose them to have been otherwise would be to impugn the common sense of +our ancestors. Nor do I quite know what you mean by 'small dealers,' +'middle men,' 'drummers,' and so forth." + +He paused and fell into meditation, when suddenly his face was suffused +with the light of a happy thought. It so elated him that he sprang to his +feet and with his staff of office broke the heads of his Chief Admonisher +of the Inimical and his Second Assistant Audible Sycophant. Then he said: + +"I think I comprehend. Some eighty-five years ago, soon after my induction +into office, there came to the court of the Panjandrum a man of this city +who had been cast upon the island of Chicago (which I believe belongs to +the American archipelago) and had passed many years there in business with +the natives. Having learned all their customs and business methods he +returned to his own country and laid before the Panjandrum a comprehensive +scheme of commercial reform. He and his scheme were referred to me, the +Panjandrum being graciously pleased to be unable to make head or tail of +it. I may best explain it in its application to a single industry--the +manufacture and sale of gootles." + +"What is a gootle?" I asked. + +"A metal weight for attachment to the tail of a donkey to keep him from +braying," was the answer. "It is known in this country that a donkey +cannot utter a note unless he can lift his tail. Then, as now, gootles +were made by a single concern having a great capital invested and an +immense plant, and employing an army of workmen. It dealt, as it does +to-day, directly with consumers. Afflicted with a sonant donkey a man +would write to the trust and receive his gootle by return mail, or go +personally to the factory and carry his purchase home on his +shoulder--according to where he lived. The reformer said this was +primitive, crude and injurious to the interests of the public and +especially the poor. He proposed that the members of the gootle trust +divide their capital and each member go into the business of making +gootles for himself--I do not mean for his personal use--in different +parts of the country. But none of them was to sell to consumers, but to +other men, who would sell in quantity to still other men, who would sell +single gootles for domestic use. Each manufacturer would of course require +a full complement of officers, clerks and so forth, as would the other +men--everybody but the consumer--and each would have to support them and +make a profit himself. Competition would be so sharp that solicitors would +have to be employed to make sales; and they too must have a living out of +the business. Honored stranger, am I right in my inference that the +proposed system has something in common with the one which obtains in your +own happy, enlightened and prosperous country, and which you would +approve?" + +I did not care to reply. + +"Of course," the Jumjum continued, "all this would greatly have enhanced +the cost of gootles, thereby lessening the sales, thereby reducing the +output, thereby throwing a number of workmen out of employment. You see +this, do you not, O guest of my country?" + +"Pray tell me," I said, "what became of the reformer who proposed all this +change?" + +"All this change? Why, sir, the one-thousandth part is not told: he +proposed that his system should be general: not only in the gootle trust, +but every trust in the country was to be broken up in the same way! When I +had him before me, and had stated my objections to the plan, I asked him +what were its advantages. + +"'Sir,' he replied, 'I speak for millions of gentlemen in uncongenial +employments, mostly manual and fatiguing. This would give them the kind of +activity that they would like--such as their class enjoys in other +countries where my system is in full flower, and where it is deemed so +sacred that any proposal for its abolition or simplification by trusts is +regarded with horror, especially by the working men.' + +"Having reported to the Panjandrum (whose vermiform appendix may good +angels have in charge) and received his orders, I called the reformer +before me and addressed him thus: + +"'Illustrious economist, I have the honor to inform you that in the royal +judgment your proposal is the most absurd, impudent and audacious ever +made; that the system which you propose to set up is revolutionary and +mischievous beyond the dreams of treason; that only in a nation of rogues +and idiots could it have a moment's toleration.' + +"He was about to reply, but cutting his throat to intimate that the +hearing was at an end, I withdrew from the Hall of Audience, as under +similar circumstances I am about to do now." + +I withdrew first by way of a window, and after a terrible journey of six +years in the Dolorous Mountains and on the Desert of Despair came to the +western coast. Here I built a ship and after a long voyage landed on one +of the islands constituting the Kingdom of Tortirra. + + +THE KINGDOM OF TORTIRRA + +Of this unknown country and its inhabitants I have written a large volume +which nothing but the obstinacy of publishers has kept from the world, and +which I trust will yet see the light. Naturally, I do not wish to publish +at this time anything that will sate public curiosity, and this brief +sketch will consist of such parts only of the work as I think can best be +presented in advance without abating interest in what is to follow when +Heaven shall have put it into the hearts of publishers to square their +conduct with their interests. I must, however, frankly confess that my +choice has been partly determined by other considerations. I offer here +those parts of my narrative which I conceive to be the least +credible--those which deal with the most monstrous and astounding follies +of a strange people. Their ceremony of marriage by decapitation; their +custom of facing to the rear when riding on horseback; their practice of +walking on their hands in all ceremonial processions; their selection of +the blind for military command; their pig-worship--these and many other +comparatively natural particulars of their religious, political, +intellectual and social life I reserve for treatment in the great work for +which I shall soon ask public favor and acceptance. + +In Tortirran politics, as in Tamtonian, the population is always divided +into two, and sometimes three or four "parties," each having a "policy" +and each conscientiously believing the policy of the other, or others, +erroneous and destructive. In so far as these various and varying policies +can be seen to have any relation whatever to practical affairs they can be +seen also to be the result of purely selfish considerations. The +self-deluded people flatter themselves that their elections are contests +of principles, whereas they are only struggles of interests. They are very +fond of the word _slagthrit_, "principle"; and when they believe +themselves acting from some high moral motive they are capable of almost +any monstrous injustice or stupid folly. This insane devotion to principle +is craftily fostered by their political leaders who invent captivating +phrases intended to confirm them in it; and these deluding aphorisms are +diligently repeated until all the people have them in memory, with no +knowledge of the fallacies which they conceal. One of these phrases is +"Principles, not men." In the last analysis this is seen to mean that it +is better to be governed by scoundrels professing one set of principles +than by good men holding another. That a scoundrel will govern badly, +regardless of the principles which he is supposed somehow to "represent," +is a truth which, however obvious to our own enlightened intelligence, has +never penetrated the dark understandings of the Tortirrans. It is chiefly +through the dominance of the heresy fostered by this popular phrase that +the political leaders are able to put base men into office to serve their +own nefarious ends. + +I have called the political contests of Tortirra struggles of interests. +In nothing is this more clear (to the looker-on at the game) than in the +endless disputes concerning restrictions on commerce. It must be +understood that lying many leagues to the southeast of Tortirra are other +groups of islands, also wholly unknown to people of our race. They are +known by the general name of _Gropilla-Stron_ (a term signifying "the Land +of the Day-dawn"), though it is impossible to ascertain why, and are +inhabited by a powerful and hardy race, many of whom I have met in the +capital of Tanga. The Stronagu, as they are called, are bold navigators +and traders, their proas making long and hazardous voyages in all the +adjacent seas to exchange commodities with other tribes. For many years +they were welcomed in Tortirra with great hospitality and their goods +eagerly purchased. They took back with them all manner of Tortirran +products and nobody thought of questioning the mutual advantages of the +exchange. But early in the present century a powerful Tortirran demagogue +named Pragam began to persuade the people that commerce was piracy--that +true prosperity consisted in consumption of domestic products and +abstention from foreign. This extraordinary heresy soon gathered such head +that Pragam was appointed Regent and invested with almost dictatorial +powers. He at once distributed nearly the whole army among the seaport +cities, and whenever a Stronagu trading proa attempted to land, the +soldiery, assisted by the populace, rushed down to the beach, and with a +terrible din of gongs and an insupportable discharge of stink-pots--the +only offensive weapon known to Tortirran warfare--drove the laden vessels +to sea, or if they persisted in anchoring destroyed them and smothered +their crews in mud. The Tortirrans themselves not being a sea-going +people, all communication between them and the rest of their little world +soon ceased. But with it ceased the prosperity of Tortirra. Deprived of a +market for their surplus products and compelled to forego the comforts and +luxuries which they had obtained from abroad, the people began to murmur +at the effect of their own folly. A reaction set in, a powerful opposition +to Pragam and his policy was organized, and he was driven from power. + +But the noxious tree that Pragam had planted in the fair garden of his +country's prosperity had struck root too deeply to be altogether +eradicated. It threw up shoots everywhere, and no sooner was one cut down +than from roots underrunning the whole domain of political thought others +sprang up with a vigorous and baleful growth. While the dictum that trade +is piracy no longer commands universal acceptance, a majority of the +populace still hold a modified form of it, and that "importation is theft" +is to-day a cardinal political "principle" of a vast body of Tortirra's +people. The chief expounders and protagonists of this doctrine are all +directly or indirectly engaged in making or growing such articles as were +formerly got by exchange with the Stronagu traders. The articles are +generally inferior in quality, but consumers, not having the benefit of +foreign competition, are compelled to pay extortionate prices for them, +thus maintaining the unscrupulous producers in needless industries and a +pernicious existence. But these active and intelligent rogues are too +powerful to be driven out. They persuade their followers, among whom are +many ignorant consumers, that this vestigial remnant of the old Pragam +policy is all that keeps the nation from being desolated by small-pox and +an epidemic of broken legs. It is impossible within these limits to give a +full history of the strange delusion whose origin I have related. It has +undergone many modifications and changes, as it is the nature of error to +do, but the present situation is about this. The trading proas of the +Stronagu are permitted to enter certain ports, but when one arrives she +must anchor at a little distance from shore. Here she is boarded by an +officer of the government, who ascertains the thickness of her keel, the +number of souls on board and the amount and character of the merchandise +she brings. From these data--the last being the main factor in the +problem--the officer computes her unworthiness and adjudges a suitable +penalty. The next day a scow manned by a certain number of soldiers pushes +out and anchors within easy throw of her, and there is a frightful beating +of gongs. When this has reached its lawful limit as to time it is hushed +and the soldiers throw a stated number of stink-pots on board the +offending craft. These, exploding as they strike, stifle the captain and +crew with an intolerable odor. In the case of a large proa having a cargo +of such commodities as the Tortirrans particularly need, this bombardment +is continued for hours. At its conclusion the vessel is permitted to land +and discharge her cargo without further molestation. Under these hard +conditions importers find it impossible to do much business, the +exorbitant wages demanded by seamen consuming most of the profit. No +restrictions are now placed on the export trade, and vessels arriving +empty are subjected to no penalties; but the Stronagu having other +markets, in which they can sell as well as buy, cannot afford to go empty +handed to Tortirra. + +It will be obvious to the reader that in all this no question of +"principle" is involved. A well-informed Tortirran's mental attitude with +regard to the matter may be calculated with unfailing accuracy from a +knowledge of his interests. If he produces anything which his countrymen +want, and which in the absence of all restriction they could get more +cheaply from the Stronagu than they can from him, he is in politics a +_Gakphew_, or "Stinkpotter"; if not he is what that party derisively calls +a _Shokerbom_, which signifies "Righteous Man"--for there is nothing which +the Gakphews hold in so holy detestation as righteousness. + +Nominally, Tortirra is an hereditary monarchy; virtually it is a +democracy, for under a peculiar law of succession there is seldom an +occupant of the throne, and all public affairs are conducted by a Supreme +Legislature sitting at Felduchia, the capital of Tanga, to which body each +island of the archipelago, twenty-nine in number, elects representatives +in proportion to its population, the total membership being nineteen +hundred and seventeen. Each island has a Subordinate Council for the +management of local affairs and a Head Chief charged with execution of the +laws. There is also a Great Court at Felduchia, whose function it is to +interpret the general laws of the Kingdom, passed by the Supreme Council, +and a Minor Great Court at the capital of each island, with corresponding +duties and powers. These powers are very loosely and vaguely defined, and +are the subject of endless controversy everywhere, and nowhere more than +in the courts themselves--such is the multiplicity of laws and so many are +the contradictory decisions upon them, every decision constituting what is +called a _lantrag_, or, as we might say, "precedent." The peculiarity of a +_lantrag_, or previous decision, is that it is, or is not, binding, at the +will of the honorable judge making a later one on a similar point. If he +wishes to decide in the same way he quotes the previous decision with all +the gravity that he would give to an exposition of the law itself; if not, +he either ignores it altogether, shows that it is not applicable to the +case under consideration (which, as the circumstances are never exactly +the same, he can always do), or substitutes a contradictory _lantrag_ and +fortifies himself with that. There is a precedent for any decision that a +judge may wish to make, but sometimes he is too indolent to search it out +and cite it. Frequently, when the letter and intent of the law under which +an action is brought are plainly hostile to the decision which it pleases +him to render, the judge finds it easier to look up an older law, with +which it is compatible, and which the later one, he says, does not repeal, +and to base his decision on that; and there is a law for everything, just +as there is a precedent. Failing to find, or not caring to look for, +either precedent or statute to sustain him, he can readily show that any +other decision than the one he has in will would be _tokoli impelly_; that +is to say, contrary to public morals, and this, too, is considered a +legitimate consideration, though on another occasion he may say, with +public assent and approval, that it is his duty, not to make the law +conform to justice, but to expound and enforce it as he finds it. In +short, such is the confusion of the law and the public conscience that the +courts of Tortirra do whatever they please, subject only to overruling by +higher courts in the exercise of _their_ pleasure; for great as is the +number of minor and major tribunals, a case originating in the lowest is +never really settled until it has gone through all the intermediate ones +and been passed upon by the highest, to which it might just as well have +been submitted at first. The evils of this astonishing system could not be +even baldly catalogued in a lifetime. They are infinite in number and +prodigious in magnitude. To the trained intelligence of the American +observer it is incomprehensible how any, even the most barbarous, nation +can endure them. + +An important function of the Great Court and the Minor Great Court is +passing upon the validity of all laws enacted by the Supreme Council and +the Subordinate Councils, respectively. The nation as a whole, as well as +each separate island, has a fundamental law called the _Trogodal_, or, as +we should say, the Constitution; and no law whatever that may be passed by +the Council is final and determinate until the appropriate court has +declared that it conforms to the Trogodal. Nevertheless every law is put +in force the moment it is perfected and before it is submitted to the +court. Indeed, not one in a thousand ever is submitted at all, that +depending upon the possibility of some individual objecting to its action +upon his personal interests, which few, indeed, can afford to do. It not +infrequently occurs that some law which has for years been rigorously +enforced, even by fines and imprisonment, and to which the whole +commercial and social life of the nation has adjusted itself with all its +vast property interests, is brought before the tribunal having final +jurisdiction in the matter and coolly declared no law at all. The +pernicious effect may be more easily imagined than related, but those who +by loyal obedience to the statute all those years have been injured in +property, those who are ruined by its erasure and those who may have +suffered the severest penalties for its violation are alike without +redress. It seems not to have occurred to the Tortirrans to require the +court to inspect the law and determine its validity before it is put in +force. It is, indeed, the traditional practice of these strange tribunals, +when a case is forced upon them, to decide, not as many points of law as +they can, but as few as they may; and this dishonest inaction is not only +tolerated but commended as the highest wisdom. The consequence is that +only those who make a profession of the law and live by it and find their +account in having it as little understood by others as is possible can +know which acts and parts of acts are in force and which are not. The +higher courts, too, have arrogated to themselves the power of declaring +unconstitutional even parts of the Constitution, frequently annulling most +important provisions of the very instrument creating them! + +A popular folly in Tortirra is the selection of representatives in the +Councils from among that class of men who live by the law, whose sole +income is derived from its uncertainties and perplexities. Obviously, it +is to the interest of these men to make laws which shall be uncertain and +perplexing--to confuse and darken legislation as much as they can. Yet in +nearly all the Councils these men are the most influential and active +element, and it is not uncommon to find them in a numerical majority. It +is evident that the only check upon their ill-doing lies in the certainty +of their disagreement as to the particular kind of confusion which they +may think it expedient to create. Some will wish to accomplish their +common object by one kind of verbal ambiguity, some by another; some by +laws clearly enough (to them) unconstitutional, others by contradictory +statutes, or statutes secretly repealing wholesome ones already existing. +A clear, simple and just code would deprive them of their means of +livelihood and compel them to seek some honest employment. + +So great are the uncertainties of the law in Tortirra that an eminent +judge once confessed to me that it was his conscientious belief that if +all cases were decided by the impartial arbitrament of the _do-tusis_ (a +process similar to our "throw of the dice") substantial justice would be +done far more frequently than under the present system; and there is +reason to believe that in many instances cases at law are so decided--but +only at the close of tedious and costly trials which have impoverished the +litigants and correspondingly enriched the lawyers. + +Of the interminable train of shames and brutalities entailed by this +pernicious system, I shall mention here only a single one--the sentencing +and punishment of an accused person in the midst of the proceedings +against him, and while his guilt is not finally and definitively +established. It frequently occurs that a man convicted of crime in one of +the lower courts is at once hurried off to prison while he has still the +right of appeal to a higher tribunal, and while that appeal is pending. +After months and sometimes years of punishment his case is reached in the +appellate court, his appeal found valid and a new trial granted, resulting +in his acquittal. He has been imprisoned for a crime of which he is +eventually declared not to have been properly convicted. But he has no +redress; he is simply set free to bear through all his after life the +stain of dishonor and nourish an ineffectual resentment. Imagine the storm +of popular indignation that would be evoked in America by an instance of +so foul injustice! + + * * * * * + +In the great public square of Itsami, the capital of Tortirra, stands a +golden statue of Estari-Kumpro, a famous judge of the Civil Court.[2] This +great man was celebrated throughout the kingdom for the wisdom and justice +of his decisions and the virtues of his private life. So profound were the +veneration in which he was held and the awe that his presence inspired, +that none of the advocates in his court ever ventured to address him +except in formal pleas: all motions, objections, and so forth, were +addressed to the clerk and by him disposed of without dissent: the silence +of the judge, who never was heard to utter a word, was understood as +sanctioning the acts of his subordinate. For thirty years, promptly at +sunrise, the great hall of justice was thrown open, disclosing the judge +seated on a loftly dais beneath a black canopy, partly in shadow, and +quite inaccessible. At sunset all proceedings for the day terminated, +everyone left the hall and the portal closed. The decisions of this august +and learned jurist were always read aloud by the clerk, and a copy +supplied to the counsel on each side. They were brief, clear and +remarkable, not only for their unimpeachable justice, but for their +conformity to the fundamental principles of law. Not one of them was ever +set aside, and during the last fifteen years of the great judge's service +no litigant ever took an appeal, although none ever ventured before that +infallible tribunal unless conscientiously persuaded that his cause was +just. + + [2] Klikat um Delu Ovwi. + +One day it happened during the progress of an important trial that a sharp +shock of earthquake occurred, throwing the whole assembly into confusion. +When order had been restored a cry of horror and dismay burst from the +multitude--the judge's head lay flattened upon the floor, a dozen feet +below the bench, and from the neck of the rapidly collapsing body, which +had pitched forward upon his desk, poured a thick stream of sawdust! For +thirty years that great and good man had been represented by a stuffed +manikin. For thirty years he had not entered his own court, nor heard a +word of evidence or argument. At the moment of the accident to his +simulacrum he was in his library at his home, writing his decision of the +case on trial, and was killed by a falling chandelier. It was afterward +learned that his clerk, twenty-five years dead, had all the time been +personated by a twin brother, who was an idiot from birth and knew no law. + + +HITHER + +Listening to the history of the golden statue in the great square, as +related by a Tortirran storyteller, I fell asleep. On waking I found +myself lying in a cot-bed amidst unfamiliar surroundings. A bandage was +fastened obliquely about my head, covering my left eye, in which was a +dull throbbing pain. Seeing an attendant near by I beckoned him to my +bedside and asked: "Where am I?" + +"Hospital," he replied, tersely but not unkindly. He added: "You have a +bad eye." "Yes," I said, "I always had; but I could name more than one +Tortirran who has a bad heart." + +"What is a Tortirran?" he asked. + + + + +FOR THE AKHOOND + + + + +FOR THE AHKOOND + + +In the year 4591 I accepted from his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond of +Citrusia a commission to explore the unknown region lying to the eastward +of the Ultimate Hills, the range which that learned archaeologist, Simeon +Tucker, affirms to be identical with the "Rocky Mountains" of the +ancients. For this proof of his Majesty's favor I was indebted, doubtless, +to a certain distinction that I had been fortunate enough to acquire by +explorations in the heart of Darkest Europe. His Majesty kindly offered to +raise and equip a large expeditionary force to accompany me, and I was +given the widest discretion in the matter of outfit; I could draw upon the +royal treasury for any sum that I might require, and upon the royal +university for all the scientific apparatus and assistance necessary to my +purpose. Declining these encumbrances, I took my electric rifle and a +portable waterproof case containing a few simple instruments and writing +materials and set out. Among the instruments was, of course, an aerial +isochronophone which I set by the one in the Ahkoond's private dining-room +at the palace. His Majesty invariably dined alone at 18 o'clock, and sat +at table six hours: it was my intention to send him all my reports at the +hour of 23, just as dessert would be served, and he would be in a proper +frame of mind to appreciate my discoveries and my services to the crown. + +At 9 o'clock on the 13th of Meijh I left Sanf Rachisco and after a tedious +journey of nearly fifty minutes arrived at Bolosson, the eastern terminus +of the magnetic tube, on the summit of the Ultimate Hills. According to +Tucker this was anciently a station on the Central Peaceful Railway, and +was called "German," in honor of an illustrious dancing master. Prof. +Nupper, however, says it was the ancient Nevraska, the capital of Kikago, +and geographers generally have accepted that view. + +Finding nothing at Bolosson to interest me except a fine view of the +volcano Carlema, then in active eruption, I shouldered my electric rifle +and with my case of instruments strapped upon my back plunged at once into +the wilderness, down the eastern slope. As I descended the character of +the vegetation altered. The pines of the higher altitudes gave place to +oaks, these to ash, beech and maple. To these succeeded the tamarack and +such trees as affect a moist and marshy habitat; and finally, when for +four months I had been steadily descending, I found myself in a primeval +flora consisting mainly of giant ferns, some of them as much as twenty +_surindas_ in diameter. They grew upon the margins of vast stagnant lakes +which I was compelled to navigate by means of rude rafts made from their +trunks lashed together with vines. + +In the fauna of the region that I had traversed I had noted changes +corresponding to those in the flora. On the upper slope there was nothing +but the mountain sheep, but I passed successively through the habitats of +the bear, the deer and the horse. This last mentioned creature, which our +naturalists have believed long extinct, and which Dorbley declares our +ancestors domesticated, I found in vast numbers on high table lands +covered with grass upon which it feeds. The animal answers the current +description of the horse very nearly, but all that I saw were destitute of +the horns, and none had the characteristic forked tail. This member, on +the contrary, is a tassel of straight wiry hair, reaching nearly to the +ground--a surprising sight. Lower still I came upon the mastodon, the +lion, the tiger, hippopotamus and alligator, all differing very little +from those infesting Central Europe, as described in my "Travels in the +Forgotten Continent." + +In the lake region where I now found myself, the waters abounded with +ichthyosauri, and along the margins the iguanodon dragged his obscene bulk +in indolent immunity. Great flocks of pterodactyls, their bodies as large +as those of oxen and their necks enormously long, clamored and fought in +the air, the broad membranes of their wings making a singular musical +humming, unlike anything that I had ever heard. Between them and the +ichthyosauri there was incessant battle, and I was constantly reminded of +the ancient poet's splendid and original comparison of man to + + dragons of the prime + That tare each other in their slime. + +When brought down with my electric rifle and properly roasted, the +pterodactyl proved very good eating, particularly the pads of the toes. + +In urging my raft along the shore line of one of the stagnant lagoons one +day I was surprised to find a broad rock jutting out from the shore, its +upper surface some ten _coprets_ above the water. Disembarking, I ascended +it, and on examination recognized it as the remnant of an immense mountain +which at one time must have been 5,000 _coprets_ in height and doubtless +the dominating peak of a long range. From the striations all over it I +discovered that it had been worn away to its present trivial size by +glacial action. Opening my case of instruments, I took out my +petrochronologue and applied it to the worn and scratched surface of the +rock. The indicator at once pointed to K 59 xpc 1/2! At this astonishing +result I was nearly overcome by excitement: the last erosions of the +ice-masses upon this vestige of a stupendous mountain range which they had +worn away, had been made as recently as the year 1945! Hastily applying my +nymograph, I found that the name of this particular mountain at the time +when it began to be enveloped in the mass of ice moving down upon it from +the north, was "Pike's Peak." Other observations with other instruments +showed that at that time the country circumjacent to it had been inhabited +by a partly civilized race of people known as Galoots, the name of their +capital city being Denver. + +That evening at the hour of 23 I set up my aerial isochronophone[3] and +reported to his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond as follows: + + [3] This satire was published in the San Francisco _Examiner_ many + years before the invention of wireless telegraphy; so I retain + my own name for the instrument.--A.B. + +"_Sire:_ I have the honor to report that I have made a startling +discovery. The primeval region into which I have penetrated, as I informed +you yesterday--the ichthyosaurus belt--was peopled by tribes considerably +advanced in some of the arts almost within historic times: in 1920. They +were exterminated by a glacial period not exceeding one hundred and +twenty-five years in duration. Your Majesty can conceive the magnitude and +violence of the natural forces which overwhelmed their country with moving +sheets of ice not less that 5,000 _coprets_ in thickness, grinding down +every eminence, destroying (of course) all animal and vegetable life and +leaving the region a fathomless bog of detritus. Out of this vast sea of +mud Nature has had to evolve another creation, beginning _de novo_, with +her lowest forms. It has long been known, your Majesty, that the region +east of the Ultimate Hills, betwen them and the Wintry Sea, was once the +seat of an ancient civilization, some scraps and shreds of whose history, +arts and literature have been wafted to us across the gulf of time; but it +was reserved for your gracious Majesty, through me, your humble and +unworthy instrument, to ascertain the astonishing fact that these were a +pre-glacial people--that between them and us stands, as it were, a wall of +impenetrable ice. That all local records of this unfortunate race have +perished your Majesty needs not to be told: we can supplement our present +imperfect knowledge of them by instrumental observation only." + +To this message I received the following extraordinary reply: + +"All right--another bottle of--ice goes: push on--this cheese is +too--spare no effort to--hand me those nuts--learn all you can--damn you!" + +His most gracious Majesty was being served with dessert, and served badly. + +I now resolved to go directly north toward the source of the ice-flow and +investigate its cause, but examining my barometer found that I was more +than 8,000 _coprets_ below the sea-level; the moving ice had not only +ground down the face of the country, planing off the eminences and filling +the depressions, but its enormous weight had caused the earth's crust to +sag, and with the lessening of the weight from evaporation it had not +recovered. + +I had no desire to continue in this depression, as I should in going +north, for I should find nothing but lakes, marshes and ferneries, +infested with the same primitive and monstrous forms of life. So I +continued my course eastward and soon had the satisfaction to find myself +meeting the sluggish current of such streams as I encountered in my way. +By vigorous use of the new double-distance telepode, which enables the +wearer to step eighty _surindas_ instead of forty, as with the instrument +in popular use, I was soon again at a considerable elevation above the +sea-level and nearly 200 _prastams_ from "Pike's Peak." A little farther +along the water courses began to flow to the eastward. The flora and fauna +had again altered in character, and now began to grow sparse; the soil was +thin and arid, and in a week I found myself in a region absolutely +destitute of organic life and without a vestige of soil. All was barren +rock. The surface for hundreds of _prastams_, as I continued my advance, +was nearly level, with a slight dip to the eastward. The rock was +singularly striated, the scratches arranged concentrically and in +helicoidal curves. This circumstance puzzled me and I resolved to take +some more instrumental observations, bitterly regretting my improvidence +in not availing myself of the Ahkoond's permission to bring with me such +apparatus and assistants as would have given me knowledge vastly more +copious and accurate than I could acquire with my simple pocket +appliances. + +I need not here go into the details of my observations with such +instruments as I had, nor into the calculations of which these +observations were the basic data. Suffice it that after two months' labor +I reported the results to his Majesty in Sanf Rachisco in the words +following: + +"_Sire:_ It is my high privilege to apprise you of my arrival on the +western slope of a mighty depression running through the center of the +continent north and south, formerly known as the Mississippi Valley. It +was once the seat of a thriving and prosperous population known as the +Pukes, but is now a vast expanse of bare rock, from which every particle +of soil and everything movable, including people, animals and vegetation, +have been lifted by terrific cyclones and scattered afar, falling in other +lands and at sea in the form of what was called meteoric dust! I find that +these terrible phenomena began to occur about the year 1860, and lasted, +with increasing frequency and power, through a century, culminating about +the middle of that glacial period which saw the extinction of the Galoots +and their neighboring tribes. There was, of course, a close connection +between the two malefic phenomena, both, doubtless, being due to the same +cause, which I have been unable to trace. A cyclone, I venture to remind +your gracious Majesty, is a mighty whirlwind, accompanied by the most +startling meteorological phenomena, such as electrical disturbances, +floods of falling water, darkness and so forth. It moves with great speed, +sucking up everything and reducing it to powder. In many days' journey I +have not found a square _copret_ of the country that did not suffer a +visitation. If any human being escaped he must speedily have perished from +starvation. For some twenty centuries the Pukes have been an extinct race, +and their country a desolation in which no living thing can dwell, unless, +like me, it is supplied with Dr. Blobob's Condensed Life-pills." + +The Ahkoond replied that he was pleased to feel the most poignant grief +for the fate of the unfortunate Pukes, and if I should by chance find the +ancient king of the country I was to do my best to revive him with the +patent resuscitator and present him the assurances of his Majesty's +distinguished consideration; but as the politoscope showed that the nation +had been a republic I gave myself no trouble in the matter. + +My next report was made six months later and was in substance this: + +"_Sire:_ I address your Majesty from a point 430 _coprets_ vertically above +the site of the famous ancient city of Buffalo, once the capital of a +powerful nation called the Smugwumps. I can approach no nearer because of +the hardness of the snow, which is very firmly packed. For hundreds of +_prastams_ in every direction, and for thousands to the north and west, the +land is covered with this substance, which, as your Majesty is doubtless +aware, is extremely cold to the touch, but by application of sufficient +heat can be turned into water. It falls from the heavens, and is believed +by the learned among your Majesty's subjects to have a sidereal origin. + +"The Smugwumps were a hardy and intelligent race, but they entertained the +vain delusion that they could subdue Nature. Their year was divided into +two seasons--summer and winter, the former warm, the latter cold. About +the beginning of the nineteenth century according to my archaethermograph, +the summers began to grow shorter and hotter, the winters longer and +colder. At every point in their country, and every day in the year, when +they had not the hottest weather ever known in that place, they had the +coldest. When they were not dying by hundreds from sunstroke they were +dying by thousands from frost. But these heroic and devoted people +struggled on, believing that they were becoming acclimated faster than the +climate was becoming insupportable. Those called away on business were +even afflicted with nostalgia, and with a fatal infatuation returned to +grill or freeze, according to the season of their arrival. Finally there +was no summer at all, though the last flash of heat slew several millions +and set most of their cities afire, and winter reigned eternal. + +"The Smugwumps were now keenly sensible of the perils environing them, +and, abandoning their homes, endeavored to reach their kindred, the +Californians, on the western side of the continent in what is now your +Majesty's ever-blessed realm. But it was too late: the snow growing deeper +and deeper day by day, besieged them in their towns and dwellings, and +they were unable to escape. The last one of them perished about the year +1943, and may God have mercy on his fool soul!" + +To this dispatch the Ahkoond replied that it was the royal opinion that +the Smugwumps were served very well right. + +Some weeks later I reported thus: + +"_Sire:_ The country which your Majesty's munificence is enabling your +devoted servant to explore extends southward and southwestward from +Smugwumpia many hundreds of _prastams_, its eastern and southern borders +being the Wintry Sea and the Fiery Gulf, respectively. The population in +ancient times was composed of Whites and Blacks in about equal numbers and +of about equal moral worth--at least that is the record on the dial of my +ethnograph when set for the twentieth century and given a southern +exposure. The Whites were called Crackers and the Blacks known as Coons. + +"I find here none of the barrenness and desolation characterizing the land +of the ancient Pukes, and the climate is not so rigorous and thrilling as +that of the country of the late Smugwumps. It is, indeed, rather agreeable +in point of temperature, and the soil being fertile exceedingly, the whole +land is covered with a dense and rank vegetation. I have yet to find a +square _smig_ of it that is open ground, or one that is not the lair of +some savage beast, the haunt of some venomous reptile, or the roost of +some offensive bird. Crackers and Coons alike are long extinct, and these +are their successors. + +"Nothing could be more forbidding and unwholesome than these interminable +jungles, with their horrible wealth of organic life in its most +objectionable forms. By repeated observations with the necrohistoriograph +I find that the inhabitants of this country, who had always been more or +less dead, were wholly extirpated contemporaneously with the disastrous +events which swept away the Galoots, the Pukes and the Smugwumps. The +agency of their effacement was an endemic disorder known as yellow fever. +The ravages of this frightful disease were of frequent recurrence, every +point of the country being a center of infection; but in some seasons it +was worse than in others. Once in every half century at first, and +afterward every year[4] it broke out somewhere and swept over wide areas +with such fatal effect that there were not enough of the living to plunder +the dead; but at the first frost it would subside. During the ensuing two +or three months of immunity the stupid survivors returned to the infected +homes from which they had fled and were ready for the next outbreak. +Emigration would have saved them all, but although the Californians (over +whose happy and prosperous descendants your Majesty has the goodness to +reign) invited them again and again to their beautiful land, where +sickness and death were hardly known, they would not go, and by the year +1946 the last one of them, may it please your gracious Majesty, was dead +and damned." + + [4] At one time it was foolishly believed that the disease had been + eradicated by slapping the mosquitoes which were thought to + produce it; but a few years later it broke out with greater + violence than ever before, although the mosquitoes had left the + country. + +Having spoken this into the transmitter of the aerial isochronophone at +the usual hour of 23 o'clock I applied the receiver to my ear, confidently +expecting the customary commendation. Imagine my astonishment and dismay +when my master's well-remembered voice was heard in utterance of the most +awful imprecations on me and my work, followed by appalling threats +against my life! + +The Ahkoond had changed his dinner-time to five hours later and I had been +speaking into the ears of an empty stomach! + + + + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + + + + +JOHN SMITH, LIBERATOR + +(FROM A NEWSPAPER OF THE FAR FUTURE) + + +At the quiet little village of Smithcester, which certain archaeologists +have professed to "identify" as the ancient London, will be celebrated +to-day the thirtieth centennial anniversary of the birth of this +remarkable man, the foremost figure of antiquity. The recurrence of what +no more than six centuries ago was a popular _fete_ day and even now is +seldom permitted to pass without recognition by those to whom liberty +means something more precious than opportunity for gain, excites a +peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or no tradition has correctly +fixed the time and place of Smith's birth. That he was born; that being +born he wrought nobly at the work that his hand found to do; that by the +mere force of his powerful intellect he established and perfected our +present benign form of government, under which civilization has attained +its highest and ripest development--these are facts beside which mere +questions of chronology and geography are trivial and without +significance. + +That this extraordinary man originated the Smithocratic form of government +is, perhaps, open to intelligent doubt; possibly it had a _de facto_ +existence in crude and uncertain shapes as early as the time of Edward +XVII,--an existence local, unorganized and intermittent. But that he +cleared it of its overlying errors and superstitions, gave it definite +form and shaped it into a coherent and practical scheme there is +unquestionable evidence in fragments of ancestral literature that have +come down to us, disfigured though they are with amazingly contradictory +statements regarding his birth, parentage and manner of life before he +strode out upon the political stage as the Liberator of Mankind. It is +said that Shakspar, a poet whose works had in their day a considerable +vogue, though it is difficult to say why, alludes to him as "the noblest +Roman of them all," our forefathers of the period being known as Romans or +Englishmen, indifferently. In the only authentic fragment of Shakspar +extant, however, this passage is not included. + +Smith's military power is amply attested in an ancient manuscript of +undoubted authenticity which has recently been translated from the +Siamese. It is an account of the water battle of Loo, by an eye-witness +whose name, unfortunately, has not reached us. It is stated that in this +famous engagement Smith overthrew the great Neapolitan general, whom he +captured and conveyed in chains to the island of Chickenhurst. + +In his "Political History of Europe" the late Professor Mimble has this +luminous sentence: "With the single exception of Ecuador there was no +European government that the Liberator did not transform into a pure +Smithocracy, and although some of them relapsed transiently into the +primitive forms, and others grew into extravagant and fanciful systems +begotten of the intellectual activity to which he had stirred the whole +world, yet so firmly did he establish the principle that in the +thirty-second century the civilized world had become, and has remained, +virtually Smithocratic." + +It may be noted here as a singular coincidence that the year which is +believed to have seen the birth of him who founded rational government +witnessed the death of him who perfected literature: Martin Farquhar +Tupper (after Smith the most noted name in history) starved to death in +the streets of London. Like that of Smith his origin is wrapped in +obscurity. No fewer than seven British cities claim the honor of his +nativity. Meager indeed is our knowledge of this only British bard whose +works have endured through thirty centuries. All that is certain is that +he was once arrested for deer-stealing; that, although blind, he fought a +duel with a person named Salmasius, for which he was thrown into Bedford +gaol, whence he escaped to the Tower of London; that the manuscript of his +"Proverbial Philosophy" was for many years hidden in a hollow oak tree, +where it was found by his grandmother, Ella Wheeler Tupper, who fled with +it to America and published many brilliant passages from it over her own +name. Had Smith and Tupper been contemporaries the iron deeds of the +former would doubtless have been recorded in the golden pages of the +latter, to the incalculable enrichment of Roman history. + +Strangely unimpressible indeed must be the mind which, looking backward +through the mists of the centuries upon the primitive race from which we +are believed to have sprung, can repress a feeling of sympathetic +interest. The names of John Smith and Martin Farquhar Tupper, blazoned +upon the page of that dim past and surrounded by the lesser names of +Shakspar, the first Neapolitan, Oliver Cornwell, that Mynheer Baloon who +was known as the Flying Dutchman, Julia Caesar, commonly known as the +Serpent of the Nile--all these are richly suggestive. They call to mind +the odd custom of wearing "clothes"; the incredible error of Copernicus +and other wide and wild guesses of ancient "science"; the lost arts of +telegramy, steam locomotion, printing, and the tempering of iron. They set +us thinking of the zealous idolatry that led men on pious pilgrimages to +the accessible regions about the north pole and into the then savage +interior of Africa in search of the fountain of youth. They conjure up +visions of bloodthirsty "Emperors," tyrannical "Kings," vampire +"Presidents," and robber "Parliaments"--grotesque and horrible shapes in +terrible contrast with the serene and benign figures and features of our +modern Smithocracy. + +Let us to-day rejoice and give thanks to Bungoot that the old order of +things has passed forever away. Let us praise Him that our lot has been +cast in more wholesome days than those in which Smith wrought and Tupper +sang. And yet let us not forget whatever there was of good, if any, in the +pre-Smithian period, when men cherished quaint superstitions and rode on +the backs of beasts--when they settled questions of right and expediency +by counting noses--when cows were enslaved and women free--when science +had not dawned to chase away the shadows of imagination and the fear of +immortality--and when the cabalistic letters "A.D.," which from habit we +still affix to numerals designating the date, had perhaps a known +signification. It is indeed well to live in this golden age, under the +benign sway of that supreme and culminating product of Smithocracy, our +gracious sovereign, his Majesty John CLXXVIII. + + + + +BITS OF AUTOBIOGRAPHY + + + + +ON A MOUNTAIN + +They say that the lumberman has looked upon the Cheat Mountain country and +seen that it is good, and I hear that some wealthy gentlemen have been +there and made a game preserve. There must be lumber and, I suppose, +sport, but some things one could wish were ordered otherwise. Looking back +upon it through the haze of near half a century, I see that region as a +veritable realm of enchantment; the Alleghanies as the Delectable +Mountains. I note again their dim, blue billows, ridge after ridge +interminable, beyond purple valleys full of sleep, "in which it seemed +always afternoon." Miles and miles away, where the lift of earth meets the +stoop of sky, I discern an imperfection in the tint, a faint graying of +the blue above the main range--the smoke of an enemy's camp. + +It was in the autumn of that "most immemorial year," the 1861st of our +Lord, and of our Heroic Age the first, that a small brigade of raw +troops--troops were all raw in those days--had been pushed in across the +Ohio border and after various vicissitudes of fortune and mismanagement +found itself, greatly to its own surprise, at Cheat Mountain Pass, holding +a road that ran from Nowhere to the southeast. Some of us had served +through the summer in the "three-months' regiments," which responded to +the President's first call for troops. We were regarded by the others with +profound respect as "old soldiers." (Our ages, if equalized, would, I +fancy, have given about twenty years to each man.) We gave ourselves, this +aristocracy of service, no end of military airs; some of us even going to +the extreme of keeping our jackets buttoned and our hair combed. We had +been in action, too; had shot off a Confederate leg at Philippi, "the +first battle of the war," and had lost as many as a dozen men at Laurel +Hill and Carrick's Ford, whither the enemy had fled in trying, Heaven +knows why, to get away from us. We now "brought to the task" of subduing +the Rebellion a patriotism which never for a moment doubted that a rebel +was a fiend accursed of God and the angels--one for whose extirpation by +force and arms each youth of us considered himself specially "raised up." + +It was a strange country. Nine in ten of us had never seen a mountain, nor +a hill as high as a church spire, until we had crossed the Ohio River. In +power upon the emotions nothing, I think, is comparable to a first sight +of mountains. To a member of a plains-tribe, born and reared on the flats +of Ohio or Indiana, a mountain region was a perpetual miracle. Space +seemed to have taken on a new dimension; areas to have not only length and +breadth, but thickness. + +Modern literature is full of evidence that our great grandfathers looked +upon mountains with aversion and horror. The poets of even the seventeenth +century never tire of damning them in good, set terms. If they had had the +unhappiness to read the opening lines of "The Pleasures of Hope," they +would assuredly have thought Master Campbell had gone funny and should be +shut up lest he do himself an injury. + +The flatlanders who invaded the Cheat Mountain country had been suckled in +another creed, and to them western Virginia--there was, as yet, no West +Virginia--was an enchanted land. How we reveled in its savage beauties! +With what pure delight we inhaled its fragrances of spruce and pine! How +we stared with something like awe at its clumps of laurel!--real laurel, +as we understood the matter, whose foliage had been once accounted +excellent for the heads of illustrious Romans and such--mayhap to reduce +the swelling. We carved its roots into fingerrings and pipes. We gathered +spruce-gum and sent it to our sweethearts in letters. We ascended every +hill within our picket-lines and called it a "peak." + +And, by the way, during those halcyon days (the halcyon was there, too, +chattering above every creek, as he is all over the world) we fought +another battle. It has not got into history, but it had a real objective +existence although by a felicitous afterthought called by us who were +defeated a "reconnaissance in force." Its short and simple annals are that +we marched a long way and lay down before a fortified camp of the enemy at +the farther edge of a valley. Our commander had the forethought to see +that we lay well out of range of the small-arms of the period. A +disadvantage of this arrangement was that the enemy was out of reach of us +as well, for our rifles were no better than his. Unfortunately--one might +almost say unfairly--he had a few pieces of artillery very well protected, +and with those he mauled us to the eminent satisfaction of his mind and +heart. So we parted from him in anger and returned to our own place, +leaving our dead--not many. + +Among them was a chap belonging to my company, named Abbott; it is not odd +that I recollect it, for there was something unusual in the manner of +Abbott's taking off. He was lying flat upon his stomach and was killed by +being struck in the side by a nearly spent cannon-shot that came rolling +in among us. The shot remained in him until removed. It was a solid +round-shot, evidently cast in some private foundry, whose proprietor, +setting the laws of thrift above those of ballistics, had put his +"imprint" upon it: it bore, in slightly sunken letters, the name "Abbott." +That is what I was told--I was not present. + +It was after this, when the nights had acquired a trick of biting and the +morning sun appeared to shiver with cold, that we moved up to the summit +of Cheat Mountain to guard the pass through which nobody wanted to go. +Here we slew the forest and builded us giant habitations (astride the road +from Nowhere to the southeast) commodious to lodge an army and fitly +loopholed for discomfiture of the adversary. The long logs that it was our +pride to cut and carry! The accuracy with which we laid them one upon +another, hewn to the line and bullet-proof! The Cyclopean doors that we +hung, with sliding bolts fit to be "the mast of some great admiral"! And +when we had "made the pile complete" some marplot of the Regular Army came +that way and chatted a few moments with our commander, and we made an +earthwork away off on one side of the road (leaving the other side to take +care of itself) and camped outside it in tents! But the Regular Army +fellow had not the heart to suggest the demolition of our Towers of Babel, +and the foundations remain to this day to attest the genius of the +American volunteer soldiery. + +We were the original game-preservers of the Cheat Mountain region, for +although we hunted in season and out of season over as wide an area as we +dared to cover we took less game, probably, than would have been taken by +a certain single hunter of disloyal views whom we scared away. There were +bear galore and deer in quantity, and many a winter day, in snow up to his +knees, did the writer of this pass in tracking bruin to his den, where, I +am bound to say, I commonly left him. I agreed with my lamented friend, +the late Robert Weeks, poet: + + Pursuit may be, it seems to me, + Perfect without possession. + +There can be no doubt that the wealthy sportsmen who have made a preserve +of the Cheat Mountain region will find plenty of game if it has not died +since 1861. We left it there. + +Yet hunting and idling were not the whole of life's programme up there on +that wild ridge with its shaggy pelt of spruce and firs, and in the +riparian lowlands that it parted. We had a bit of war now and again. There +was an occasional "affair of outposts"; sometimes a hazardous scout into +the enemy's country, ordered, I fear, more to keep up the appearance of +doing something than with a hope of accomplishing a military result. But +one day it was bruited about that a movement in force was to be made on +the enemy's position miles away, at the summit of the main ridge of the +Alleghanies--the camp whose faint blue smoke we had watched for weary +days. The movement was made, as was the fashion in those 'prentice days of +warfare, in two columns, which were to pounce upon the foeman from +opposite sides at the same moment. Led over unknown roads by untrusty +guides, encountering obstacles not foreseen--miles apart and without +communication, the two columns invariably failed to execute the movement +with requisite secrecy and precision. The enemy, in enjoyment of that +inestimable military advantage known in civilian speech as being +"surrounded," always beat the attacking columns one at a time or, turning +red-handed from the wreck of the first, frightened the other away. + +All one bright wintry day we marched down from our eyrie; all one bright +wintry night we climbed the great wooded ridge opposite. How romantic it +all was; the sunset valleys full of visible sleep; the glades suffused and +interpenetrated with moonlight; the long valley of the Greenbrier +stretching away to we knew not what silent cities; the river itself unseen +under its "astral body" of mist! Then there was the "spice of danger." + +Once we heard shots in front; then there was a long wait. As we trudged on +we passed something--some things--lying by the wayside. During another +wait we examined them, curiously lifting the blankets from their +yellow-clay faces. How repulsive they looked with their blood-smears, +their blank, staring eyes, their teeth uncovered by contraction of the +lips! The frost had begun already to whiten their deranged clothing. We +were as patriotic as ever, but we did not wish to be that way. For an hour +afterward the injunction of silence in the ranks was needless. + + * * * * * + +Repassing the spot the next day, a beaten, dispirited and exhausted force, +feeble from fatigue and savage from defeat, some of us had life enough +left, such as it was, to observe that these bodies had altered their +position. They appeared also to have thrown off some of their clothing, +which lay near by, in disorder. Their expression, too, had an added +blankness--they had no faces. + +As soon as the head of our straggling column had reached the spot a +desultory firing had begun. One might have thought the living paid honors +to the dead. No; the firing was a military execution; the condemned, a +herd of galloping swine. They had eaten our fallen, but--touching +magnanimity!--we did not eat theirs. + +The shooting of several kinds was very good in the Cheat Mountain country, +even in 1861. + + +WHAT I SAW OF SHILOH + +I + +This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a +soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier. + +The morning of Sunday, the sixth day of April, 1862, was bright and warm. +Reveille had been sounded rather late, for the troops, wearied with long +marching, were to have a day of rest. The men were idling about the embers +of their bivouac fires; some preparing breakfast, others looking +carelessly to the condition of their arms and accoutrements, against the +inevitable inspection; still others were chatting with indolent dogmatism +on that never-failing theme, the end and object of the campaign. Sentinels +paced up and down the confused front with a lounging freedom of mien and +stride that would not have been tolerated at another time. A few of them +limped unsoldierly in deference to blistered feet. At a little distance in +rear of the stacked arms were a few tents out of which frowsy-headed +officers occasionally peered, languidly calling to their servants to fetch +a basin of water, dust a coat or polish a scabbard. Trim young mounted +orderlies, bearing dispatches obviously unimportant, urged their lazy nags +by devious ways amongst the men, enduring with unconcern their +good-humored raillery, the penalty of superior station. Little negroes of +not very clearly defined status and function lolled on their stomachs, +kicking their long, bare heels in the sunshine, or slumbered peacefully, +unaware of the practical waggery prepared by white hands for their +undoing. + +Presently the flag hanging limp and lifeless at headquarters was seen to +lift itself spiritedly from the staff. At the same instant was heard a +dull, distant sound like the heavy breathing of some great animal below +the horizon. The flag had lifted its head to listen. There was a momentary +lull in the hum of the human swarm; then, as the flag drooped the hush +passed away. But there were some hundreds more men on their feet than +before; some thousands of hearts beating with a quicker pulse. + +Again the flag made a warning sign, and again the breeze bore to our ears +the long, deep sighing of iron lungs. The division, as if it had received +the sharp word of command, sprang to its feet, and stood in groups at +"attention." Even the little blacks got up. I have since seen similar +effects produced by earthquakes; I am not sure but the ground was +trembling then. The mess-cooks, wise in their generation, lifted the +steaming camp-kettles off the fire and stood by to cast out. The mounted +orderlies had somehow disappeared. Officers came ducking from beneath +their tents and gathered in groups. Headquarters had become a swarming +hive. + +The sound of the great guns now came in regular throbbings--the strong, +full pulse of the fever of battle. The flag flapped excitedly, shaking out +its blazonry of stars and stripes with a sort of fierce delight. Toward +the knot of officers in its shadow dashed from somewhere--he seemed to +have burst out of the ground in a cloud of dust--a mounted aide-de-camp, +and on the instant rose the sharp, clear notes of a bugle, caught up and +repeated, and passed on by other bugles, until the level reaches of brown +fields, the line of woods trending away to far hills, and the unseen +valleys beyond were "telling of the sound," the farther, fainter strains +half drowned in ringing cheers as the men ran to range themselves behind +the stacks of arms. For this call was not the wearisome "general" before +which the tents go down; it was the exhilarating "assembly," which goes to +the heart as wine and stirs the blood like the kisses of a beautiful +woman. Who that has heard it calling to him above the grumble of great +guns can forget the wild intoxication of its music? + +II + +The Confederate forces in Kentucky and Tennessee had suffered a series of +reverses, culminating in the loss of Nashville. The blow was severe: +immense quantities of war material had fallen to the victor, together with +all the important strategic points. General Johnston withdrew Beauregard's +army to Corinth, in northern Mississippi, where he hoped so to recruit and +equip it as to enable it to assume the offensive and retake the lost +territory. + +The town of Corinth was a wretched place--the capital of a swamp. It is a +two days' march west of the Tennessee River, which here and for a hundred +and fifty miles farther, to where it falls into the Ohio at Paducah, runs +nearly north. It is navigable to this point--that is to say, to Pittsburg +Landing, where Corinth got to it by a road worn through a thickly wooded +country seamed with ravines and bayous, rising nobody knows where and +running into the river under sylvan arches heavily draped with Spanish +moss. In some places they were obstructed by fallen trees. The Corinth +road was at certain seasons a branch of the Tennessee River. Its mouth was +Pittsburg Landing. Here in 1862 were some fields and a house or two; now +there are a national cemetery and other improvements. + +It was at Pittsburg Landing that Grant established his army, with a river +in his rear and two toy steamboats as a means of communication with the +east side, whither General Buell with thirty thousand men was moving from +Nashville to join him. The question has been asked, Why did General Grant +occupy the enemy's side of the river in the face of a superior force +before the arrival of Buell? Buell had a long way to come; perhaps Grant +was weary of waiting. Certainly Johnston was, for in the gray of the +morning of April 6th, when Buell's leading division was _en bivouac_ near +the little town of Savannah, eight or ten miles below, the Confederate +forces, having moved out of Corinth two days before, fell upon Grant's +advance brigades and destroyed them. Grant was at Savannah, but hastened +to the Landing in time to find his camps in the hands of the enemy and the +remnants of his beaten army cooped up with an impassable river at their +backs for moral support. I have related how the news of this affair came +to us at Savannah. It came on the wind--a messenger that does not bear +copious details. + +III + +On the side of the Tennessee River, over against Pittsburg Landing, are +some low bare hills, partly inclosed by a forest. In the dusk of the +evening of April 6 this open space, as seen from the other side of the +stream--whence, indeed, it was anxiously watched by thousands of eyes, to +many of which it grew dark long before the sun went down--would have +appeared to have been ruled in long, dark lines, with new lines being +constantly drawn across. These lines were the regiments of Buell's leading +division, which having moved up from Savannah through a country presenting +nothing but interminable swamps and pathless "bottom lands," with rank +overgrowths of jungle, was arriving at the scene of action breathless, +footsore and faint with hunger. It had been a terrible race; some +regiments had lost a third of their number from fatigue, the men dropping +from the ranks as if shot, and left to recover or die at their leisure. +Nor was the scene to which they had been invited likely to inspire the +moral confidence that medicines physical fatigue. True, the air was full +of thunder and the earth was trembling beneath their feet; and if there is +truth in the theory of the conversion of force, these men were storing up +energy from every shock that burst its waves upon their bodies. Perhaps +this theory may better than another explain the tremendous endurance of +men in battle. But the eyes reported only matter for despair. + +Before us ran the turbulent river, vexed with plunging shells and obscured +in spots by blue sheets of low-lying smoke. The two little steamers were +doing their duty well. They came over to us empty and went back crowded, +sitting very low in the water, apparently on the point of capsizing. The +farther edge of the water could not be seen; the boats came out of the +obscurity, took on their passengers and vanished in the darkness. But on +the heights above, the battle was burning brightly enough; a thousand +lights kindled and expired in every second of time. There were broad +flushings in the sky, against which the branches of the trees showed +black. Sudden flames burst out here and there, singly and in dozens. +Fleeting streaks of fire crossed over to us by way of welcome. These +expired in blinding flashes and fierce little rolls of smoke, attended +with the peculiar metallic ring of bursting shells, and followed by the +musical humming of the fragments as they struck into the ground on every +side, making us wince, but doing little harm. The air was full of noises. +To the right and the left the musketry rattled smartly and petulantly; +directly in front it sighed and growled. To the experienced ear this meant +that the death-line was an arc of which the river was the chord. There +were deep, shaking explosions and smart shocks; the whisper of stray +bullets and the hurtle of conical shells; the rush of round shot. There +were faint, desultory cheers, such as announce a momentary or partial +triumph. Occasionally, against the glare behind the trees, could be seen +moving black figures, singularly distinct but apparently no longer than a +thumb. They seemed to me ludicrously like the figures of demons in old +allegorical prints of hell. To destroy these and all their belongings the +enemy needed but another hour of daylight; the steamers in that case would +have been doing him fine service by bringing more fish to his net. Those +of us who had the good fortune to arrive late could then have eaten our +teeth in impotent rage. Nay, to make his victory sure it did not need that +the sun should pause in the heavens; one of the many random shots falling +into the river would have done the business had chance directed it into +the engine-room of a steamer. You can perhaps fancy the anxiety with which +we watched them leaping down. + +But we had two other allies besides the night. Just where the enemy had +pushed his right flank to the river was the mouth of a wide bayou, and +here two gunboats had taken station. They too were of the toy sort, plated +perhaps with railway metals, perhaps with boiler-iron. They staggered +under a heavy gun or two each. The bayou made an opening in the high bank +of the river. The bank was a parapet, behind which the gunboats crouched, +firing up the bayou as through an embrasure. The enemy was at this +disadvantage: he could not get at the gunboats, and he could advance only +by exposing his flank to their ponderous missiles, one of which would have +broken a half-mile of his bones and made nothing of it. Very annoying this +must have been--these twenty gunners beating back an army because a +sluggish creek had been pleased to fall into a river at one point rather +than another. Such is the part that accident may play in the game of war. + +As a spectacle this was rather fine. We could just discern the black +bodies of these boats, looking very much like turtles. But when they let +off their big guns there was a conflagration. The river shuddered in its +banks, and hurried on, bloody, wounded, terrified! Objects a mile away +sprang toward our eyes as a snake strikes at the face of its victim. The +report stung us to the brain, but we blessed it audibly. Then we could +hear the great shell tearing away through the air until the sound died out +in the distance; then, a surprisingly long time afterward, a dull, distant +explosion and a sudden silence of small-arms told their own tale. + +IV + +There was, I remember, no elephant on the boat that passed us across that +evening, nor, I think, any hippopotamus. These would have been out of +place. We had, however, a woman. Whether the baby was somewhere on board I +did not learn. She was a fine creature, this woman; somebody's wife. Her +mission, as she understood it, was to inspire the failing heart with +courage; and when she selected mine I felt less flattered by her +preference than astonished by her penetration. How did she learn? She +stood on the upper deck with the red blaze of battle bathing her beautiful +face, the twinkle of a thousand rifles mirrored in her eyes; and +displaying a small ivory-handled pistol, she told me in a sentence +punctuated by the thunder of great guns that if it came to the worst she +would do her duty like a man! I am proud to remember that I took off my +hat to this little fool. + +V + +Along the sheltered strip of beach between the river bank and the water +was a confused mass of humanity--several thousands of men. They were +mostly unarmed; many were wounded; some dead. All the camp-following +tribes were there; all the cowards; a few officers. Not one of them knew +where his regiment was, nor if he had a regiment. Many had not. These men +were defeated, beaten, cowed. They were deaf to duty and dead to shame. A +more demented crew never drifted to the rear of broken battalions. They +would have stood in their tracks and been shot down to a man by a +provost-marshal's guard, but they could not have been urged up that bank. +An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet +at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, +with never a flinching. + +Whenever a steamboat would land, this abominable mob had to be kept off +her with bayonets; when she pulled away, they sprang on her and were +pushed by scores into the water, where they were suffered to drown one +another in their own way. The men disembarking insulted them, shoved them, +struck them. In return they expressed their unholy delight in the +certainty of our destruction by the enemy. + +By the time my regiment had reached the plateau night had put an end to +the struggle. A sputter of rifles would break out now and then, followed +perhaps by a spiritless hurrah. Occasionally a shell from a far-away +battery would come pitching down somewhere near, with a whir crescendo, or +flit above our heads with a whisper like that made by the wings of a night +bird, to smother itself in the river. But there was no more fighting. The +gunboats, however, blazed away at set intervals all night long, just to +make the enemy uncomfortable and break him of his rest. + +For us there was no rest. Foot by foot we moved through the dusky fields, +we knew not whither. There were men all about us, but no camp-fires; to +have made a blaze would have been madness. The men were of strange +regiments; they mentioned the names of unknown generals. They gathered in +groups by the wayside, asking eagerly our numbers. They recounted the +depressing incidents of the day. A thoughtful officer shut their mouths +with a sharp word as he passed; a wise one coming after encouraged them to +repeat their doleful tale all along the line. + +Hidden in hollows and behind clumps of rank brambles were large tents, +dimly lighted with candles, but looking comfortable. The kind of comfort +they supplied was indicated by pairs of men entering and reappearing, +bearing litters; by low moans from within and by long rows of dead with +covered faces outside. These tents were constantly receiving the wounded, +yet were never full; they were continually ejecting the dead, yet were +never empty. It was as if the helpless had been carried in and murdered, +that they might not hamper those whose business it was to fall to-morrow. + +The night was now black-dark; as is usual after a battle, it had begun to +rain. Still we moved; we were being put into position by somebody. Inch by +inch we crept along, treading on one another's heels by way of keeping +together. Commands were passed along the line in whispers; more commonly +none were given. When the men had pressed so closely together that they +could advance no farther they stood stock-still, sheltering the locks of +their rifles with their ponchos. In this position many fell asleep. When +those in front suddenly stepped away those in the rear, roused by the +tramping, hastened after with such zeal that the line was soon choked +again. Evidently the head of the division was being piloted at a snail's +pace by some one who did not feel sure of his ground. Very often we struck +our feet against the dead; more frequently against those who still had +spirit enough to resent it with a moan. These were lifted carefully to one +side and abandoned. Some had sense enough to ask in their weak way for +water. Absurd! Their clothes were soaken, their hair dank; their white +faces, dimly discernible, were clammy and cold. Besides, none of us had +any water. There was plenty coming, though, for before midnight a +thunderstorm broke upon us with great violence. The rain, which had for +hours been a dull drizzle, fell with a copiousness that stifled us; we +moved in running water up to our ankles. Happily, we were in a forest of +great trees heavily "decorated" with Spanish moss, or with an enemy +standing to his guns the disclosures of the lightning might have been +inconvenient. As it was, the incessant blaze enabled us to consult our +watches and encouraged us by displaying our numbers; our black, sinuous +line, creeping like a giant serpent beneath the trees, was apparently +interminable. I am almost ashamed to say how sweet I found the +companionship of those coarse men. + +So the long night wore away, and as the glimmer of morning crept in +through the forest we found ourselves in a more open country. But where? +Not a sign of battle was here. The trees were neither splintered nor +scarred, the underbrush was unmown, the ground had no footprints but our +own. It was as if we had broken into glades sacred to eternal silence. I +should not have been surprised to see sleek leopards come fawning about +our feet, and milk-white deer confront us with human eyes. + +A few inaudible commands from an invisible leader had placed us in order +of battle. But where was the enemy? Where, too, were the riddled regiments +that we had come to save? Had our other divisions arrived during the night +and passed the river to assist us? or were we to oppose our paltry five +thousand breasts to an army flushed with victory? What protected our +right? Who lay upon our left? Was there really anything in our front? + +There came, borne to us on the raw morning air, the long, weird note of a +bugle. It was directly before us. It rose with a low, clear, deliberate +warble, and seemed to float in the gray sky like the note of a lark. The +bugle calls of the Federal and the Confederate armies were the same: it +was the "assembly"! As it died away I observed that the atmosphere had +suffered a change; despite the equilibrium established by the storm, it +was electric. Wings were growing on blistered feet. Bruised muscles and +jolted bones, shoulders pounded by the cruel knapsack, eyelids leaden from +lack of sleep--all were pervaded by the subtle fluid, all were unconscious +of their clay. The men thrust forward their heads, expanded their eyes and +clenched their teeth. They breathed hard, as if throttled by tugging at +the leash. If you had laid your hand in the beard or hair of one of these +men it would have crackled and shot sparks. + +VI + +I suppose the country lying between Corinth and Pittsburg Landing could +boast a few inhabitants other than alligators. What manner of people they +were it is impossible to say, inasmuch as the fighting dispersed, or +possibly exterminated them; perhaps in merely classing them as non-saurian +I shall describe them with sufficient particularity and at the same time +avert from myself the natural suspicion attaching to a writer who points +out to persons who do not know him the peculiarities of persons whom he +does not know. One thing, however, I hope I may without offense affirm of +these swamp-dwellers--they were pious. To what deity their veneration was +given--whether, like the Egyptians, they worshiped the crocodile, or, like +other Americans, adored themselves, I do not presume to guess. But +whoever, or whatever, may have been the divinity whose ends they shaped, +unto Him, or It, they had builded a temple. This humble edifice, centrally +situated in the heart of a solitude, and conveniently accessible to the +supersylvan crow, had been christened Shiloh Chapel, whence the name of +the battle. The fact of a Christian church--assuming it to have been a +Christian church--giving name to a wholesale cutting of Christian throats +by Christian hands need not be dwelt on here; the frequency of its +recurrence in the history of our species has somewhat abated the moral +interest that would otherwise attach to it. + +VII + +Owing to the darkness, the storm and the absence of a road, it had been +impossible to move the artillery from the open ground about the Landing. +The privation was much greater in a moral than in a material sense. The +infantry soldier feels a confidence in this cumbrous arm quite unwarranted +by its actual achievements in thinning out the opposition. There is +something that inspires confidence in the way a gun dashes up to the +front, shoving fifty or a hundred men to one side as if it said, "_Permit +me!_" Then it squares its shoulders, calmly dislocates a joint in its +back, sends away its twenty-four legs and settles down with a quiet +rattle which says as plainly as possible, "I've come to stay." There is a +superb scorn in its grimly defiant attitude, with its nose in the air; it +appears not so much to threaten the enemy as deride him. + +Our batteries were probably toiling after us somewhere; we could only hope +the enemy might delay his attack until they should arrive. "He may delay +his defense if he like," said a sententious young officer to whom I had +imparted this natural wish. He had read the signs aright; the words were +hardly spoken when a group of staff officers about the brigade commander +shot away in divergent lines as if scattered by a whirlwind, and galloping +each to the commander of a regiment gave the word. There was a momentary +confusion of tongues, a thin line of skirmishers detached itself from the +compact front and pushed forward, followed by its diminutive reserves of +half a company each--one of which platoons it was my fortune to command. +When the straggling line of skirmishers had swept four or five hundred +yards ahead, "See," said one of my comrades, "she moves!" She did indeed, +and in fine style, her front as straight as a string, her reserve +regiments in columns doubled on the center, following in true +subordination; no braying of brass to apprise the enemy, no fifing and +drumming to amuse him; no ostentation of gaudy flags; no nonsense. This +was a matter of business. + +In a few moments we had passed out of the singular oasis that had so +marvelously escaped the desolation of battle, and now the evidences of the +previous day's struggle were present in profusion. The ground was +tolerably level here, the forest less dense, mostly clear of undergrowth, +and occasionally opening out into small natural meadows. Here and there +were small pools--mere discs of rainwater with a tinge of blood. Riven and +torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of +splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those +below. Large branches had been lopped, and hung their green heads to the +ground, or swung critically in their netting of vines, as in a hammock. +Many had been cut clean off and their masses of foliage seriously impeded +the progress of the troops. The bark of these trees, from the root upward +to a height of ten or twenty feet, was so thickly pierced with bullets and +grape that one could not have laid a hand on it without covering several +punctures. None had escaped. How the human body survives a storm like this +must be explained by the fact that it is exposed to it but a few moments +at a time, whereas these grand old trees had had no one to take their +places, from the rising to the going down of the sun. Angular bits of +iron, concavo-convex, sticking in the sides of muddy depressions, showed +where shells had exploded in their furrows. Knapsacks, canteens, +haversacks distended with soaken and swollen biscuits, gaping to disgorge, +blankets beaten into the soil by the rain, rifles with bent barrels or +splintered stocks, waist-belts, hats and the omnipresent sardine-box--all +the wretched debris of the battle still littered the spongy earth as far +as one could see, in every direction. Dead horses were everywhere; a few +disabled caissons, or limbers, reclining on one elbow, as it were; +ammunition wagons standing disconsolate behind four or six sprawling +mules. Men? There were men enough; all dead, apparently, except one, who +lay near where I had halted my platoon to await the slower movement of the +line--a Federal sergeant, variously hurt, who had been a fine giant in his +time. He lay face upward, taking in his breath in convulsive, rattling +snorts, and blowing it out in sputters of froth which crawled creamily +down his cheeks, piling itself alongside his neck and ears. A bullet had +clipped a groove in his skull, above the temple; from this the brain +protruded in bosses, dropping off in flakes and strings. I had not +previously known one could get on, even in this unsatisfactory fashion, +with so little brain. One of my men, whom I knew for a womanish fellow, +asked if he should put his bayonet through him. Inexpressibly shocked by +the cold-blooded proposal, I told him I thought not; it was unusual, and +too many were looking. + +VIII + +It was plain that the enemy had retreated to Corinth. The arrival of our +fresh troops and their successful passage of the river had disheartened +him. Three or four of his gray cavalry videttes moving amongst the trees +on the crest of a hill in our front, and galloping out of sight at the +crack of our skirmishers' rifles, confirmed us in the belief; an army face +to face with its enemy does not employ cavalry to watch its front. True, +they might be a general and his staff. Crowning this rise we found a level +field, a quarter of a mile in width; beyond it a gentle acclivity, covered +with an undergrowth of young oaks, impervious to sight. We pushed on into +the open, but the division halted at the edge. Having orders to conform to +its movements, we halted too; but that did not suit; we received an +intimation to proceed. I had performed this sort of service before, and in +the exercise of my discretion deployed my platoon, pushing it forward at a +run, with trailed arms, to strengthen the skirmish line, which I overtook +some thirty or forty yards from the wood. Then--I can't describe it--the +forest seemed all at once to flame up and disappear with a crash like that +of a great wave upon the beach--a crash that expired in hot hissings, and +the sickening "spat" of lead against flesh. A dozen of my brave fellows +tumbled over like ten-pins. Some struggled to their feet, only to go down +again, and yet again. Those who stood fired into the smoking brush and +doggedly retired. We had expected to find, at most, a line of skirmishers +similar to our own; it was with a view to overcoming them by a sudden +_coup_ at the moment of collision that I had thrown forward my little +reserve. What we had found was a line of battle, coolly holding its fire +till it could count our teeth. There was no more to be done but get back +across the open ground, every superficial yard of which was throwing up +its little jet of mud provoked by an impinging bullet. We got back, most +of us, and I shall never forget the ludicrous incident of a young officer +who had taken part in the affair walking up to his colonel, who had been a +calm and apparently impartial spectator, and gravely reporting: "The enemy +is in force just beyond this field, sir." + +IX + +In subordination to the design of this narrative, as defined by its title, +the incidents related necessarily group themselves about my own +personality as a center; and, as this center, during the few terrible +hours of the engagement, maintained a variably constant relation to the +open field already mentioned, it is important that the reader should bear +in mind the topographical and tactical features of the local situation. +The hither side of the field was occupied by the front of my brigade--a +length of two regiments in line, with proper intervals for field +batteries. During the entire fight the enemy held the slight wooded +acclivity beyond. The debatable ground to the right and left of the open +was broken and thickly wooded for miles, in some places quite inaccessible +to artillery and at very few points offering opportunities for its +successful employment. As a consequence of this the two sides of the field +were soon studded thickly with confronting guns, which flamed away at one +another with amazing zeal and rather startling effect. Of course, an +infantry attack delivered from either side was not to be thought of when +the covered flanks offered inducements so unquestionably superior; and I +believe the riddled bodies of my poor skirmishers were the only ones left +on this "neutral ground" that day. But there was a very pretty line of +dead continually growing in our rear, and doubtless the enemy had at his +back a similar encouragement. + +The configuration of the ground offered us no protection. By lying flat on +our faces between the guns we were screened from view by a straggling row +of brambles, which marked the course of an obsolete fence; but the enemy's +grape was sharper than his eyes, and it was poor consolation to know that +his gunners could not see what they were doing, so long as they did it. +The shock of our own pieces nearly deafened us, but in the brief intervals +we could hear the battle roaring and stammering in the dark reaches of the +forest to the right and left, where our other divisions were dashing +themselves again and again into the smoking jungle. What would we not have +given to join them in their brave, hopeless task! But to lie inglorious +beneath showers of shrapnel darting divergent from the unassailable +sky--meekly to be blown out of life by level gusts of grape--to clench our +teeth and shrink helpless before big shot pushing noisily through the +consenting air--this was horrible! "Lie down, there!" a captain would +shout, and then get up himself to see that his order was obeyed. "Captain, +take cover, sir!" the lieutenant-colonel would shriek, pacing up and down +in the most exposed position that he could find. + +O those cursed guns!--not the enemy's, but our own. Had it not been for +them, we might have died like men. They must be supported, forsooth, the +feeble, boasting bullies! It was impossible to conceive that these pieces +were doing the enemy as excellent a mischief as his were doing us; they +seemed to raise their "cloud by day" solely to direct aright the streaming +procession of Confederate missiles. They no longer inspired confidence, +but begot apprehension; and it was with grim satisfaction that I saw the +carriage of one and another smashed into matchwood by a whooping shot and +bundled out of the line. + +X + +The dense forests wholly or partly in which were fought so many battles of +the Civil War, lay upon the earth in each autumn a thick deposit of dead +leaves and stems, the decay of which forms a soil of surprising depth and +richness. In dry weather the upper stratum is as inflammable as tinder. A +fire once kindled in it will spread with a slow, persistent advance as far +as local conditions permit, leaving a bed of light ashes beneath which the +less combustible accretions of previous years will smolder until +extinguished by rains. In many of the engagements of the war the fallen +leaves took fire and roasted the fallen men. At Shiloh, during the first +day's fighting, wide tracts of woodland were burned over in this way and +scores of wounded who might have recovered perished in slow torture. I +remember a deep ravine a little to the left and rear of the field I have +described, in which, by some mad freak of heroic incompetence, a part of +an Illinois regiment had been surrounded, and refusing to surrender was +destroyed, as it very well deserved. My regiment having at last been +relieved at the guns and moved over to the heights above this ravine for +no obvious purpose, I obtained leave to go down into the valley of death +and gratify a reprehensible curiosity. + +Forbidding enough it was in every way. The fire had swept every +superficial foot of it, and at every step I sank into ashes to the ankle. +It had contained a thick undergrowth of young saplings, every one of which +had been severed by a bullet, the foliage of the prostrate tops being +afterward burnt and the stumps charred. Death had put his sickle into this +thicket and fire had gleaned the field. Along a line which was not that of +extreme depression, but was at every point significantly equidistant from +the heights on either hand, lay the bodies, half buried in ashes; some in +the unlovely looseness of attitude denoting sudden death by the bullet, +but by far the greater number in postures of agony that told of the +tormenting flame. Their clothing was half burnt away--their hair and beard +entirely; the rain had come too late to save their nails. Some were +swollen to double girth; others shriveled to manikins. According to degree +of exposure, their faces were bloated and black or yellow and shrunken. +The contraction of muscles which had given them claws for hands had cursed +each countenance with a hideous grin. Faugh! I cannot catalogue the charms +of these gallant gentlemen who had got what they enlisted for. + +XI + +It was now three o'clock in the afternoon, and raining. For fifteen hours +we had been wet to the skin. Chilled, sleepy, hungry and +disappointed--profoundly disgusted with the inglorious part to which they +had been condemned--the men of my regiment did everything doggedly. The +spirit had gone quite out of them. Blue sheets of powder smoke, drifting +amongst the trees, settling against the hillsides and beaten into +nothingness by the falling rain, filled the air with their peculiar +pungent odor, but it no longer stimulated. For miles on either hand could +be heard the hoarse murmur of the battle, breaking out near by with +frightful distinctness, or sinking to a murmur in the distance; and the +one sound aroused no more attention than the other. + +We had been placed again in rear of those guns, but even they and their +iron antagonists seemed to have tired of their feud, pounding away at one +another with amiable infrequency. The right of the regiment extended a +little beyond the field. On the prolongation of the line in that direction +were some regiments of another division, with one in reserve. A third of a +mile back lay the remnant of somebody's brigade looking to its wounds. The +line of forest bounding this end of the field stretched as straight as a +wall from the right of my regiment to Heaven knows what regiment of the +enemy. There suddenly appeared, marching down along this wall, not more +than two hundred yards in our front, a dozen files of gray-clad men with +rifles on the right shoulder. At an interval of fifty yards they were +followed by perhaps half as many more; and in fair supporting distance of +these stalked with confident mien a single man! There seemed to me +something indescribably ludicrous in the advance of this handful of men +upon an army, albeit with their left flank protected by a forest. It does +not so impress me now. They were the exposed flanks of three lines of +infantry, each half a mile in length. In a moment our gunners had grappled +with the nearest pieces, swung them half round, and were pouring streams +of canister into the invaded wood. The infantry rose in masses, springing +into line. Our threatened regiments stood like a wall, their loaded rifles +at "ready," their bayonets hanging quietly in the scabbards. The right +wing of my own regiment was thrown slightly backward to threaten the flank +of the assault. The battered brigade away to the rear pulled itself +together. + +Then the storm burst. A great gray cloud seemed to spring out of the +forest into the faces of the waiting battalions. It was received with a +crash that made the very trees turn up their leaves. For one instant the +assailants paused above their dead, then struggled forward, their bayonets +glittering in the eyes that shone behind the smoke. One moment, and those +unmoved men in blue would be impaled. What were they about? Why did they +not fix bayonets? Were they stunned by their own volley? Their inaction +was maddening! Another tremendous crash!--the rear rank had fired! +Humanity, thank Heaven! is not made for this, and the shattered gray mass +drew back a score of paces, opening a feeble fire. Lead had scored its +old-time victory over steel; the heroic had broken its great heart against +the commonplace. There are those who say that it is sometimes otherwise. + +All this had taken but a minute of time, and now the second Confederate +line swept down and poured in its fire. The line of blue staggered and +gave way; in those two terrific volleys it seemed to have quite poured out +its spirit. To this deadly work our reserve regiment now came up with a +run. It was surprising to see it spitting fire with never a sound, for +such was the infernal din that the ear could take in no more. This fearful +scene was enacted within fifty paces of our toes, but we were rooted to +the ground as if we had grown there. But now our commanding officer rode +from behind us to the front, waved his hand with the courteous gesture +that says _apres vous_, and with a barely audible cheer we sprang into the +fight. Again the smoking front of gray receded, and again, as the enemy's +third line emerged from its leafy covert, it pushed forward across the +piles of dead and wounded to threaten with protruded steel. Never was seen +so striking a proof of the paramount importance of numbers. Within an area +of three hundred yards by fifty there struggled for front places no fewer +than six regiments; and the accession of each, after the first collision, +had it not been immediately counterpoised, would have turned the scale. + +As matters stood, we were now very evenly matched, and how long we might +have held out God only knows. But all at once something appeared to have +gone wrong with the enemy's left; our men had somewhere pierced his line. +A moment later his whole front gave way, and springing forward with fixed +bayonets we pushed him in utter confusion back to his original line. Here, +among the tents from which Grant's people had been expelled the day +before, our broken and disordered regiments inextricably intermingled, and +drunken with the wine of triumph, dashed confidently against a pair of +trim battalions, provoking a tempest of hissing lead that made us stagger +under its very weight. The sharp onset of another against our flank sent +us whirling back with fire at our heels and fresh foes in merciless +pursuit--who in their turn were broken upon the front of the invalided +brigade previously mentioned, which had moved up from the rear to assist +in this lively work. + +As we rallied to reform behind our beloved guns and noted the ridiculous +brevity of our line--as we sank from sheer fatigue, and tried to moderate +the terrific thumping of our hearts--as we caught our breath to ask who +had seen such-and-such a comrade, and laughed hysterically at the +reply--there swept past us and over us into the open field a long regiment +with fixed bayonets and rifles on the right shoulder. Another followed, +and another; two--three--four! Heavens! where do all these men come from, +and why did they not come before? How grandly and confidently they go +sweeping on like long blue waves of ocean chasing one another to the cruel +rocks! Involuntarily we draw in our weary feet beneath us as we sit, ready +to spring up and interpose our breasts when these gallant lines shall come +back to us across the terrible field, and sift brokenly through among the +trees with spouting fires at their backs. We still our breathing to catch +the full grandeur of the volleys that are to tear them to shreds. Minute +after minute passes and the sound does not come. Then for the first time +we note that the silence of the whole region is not comparative, but +absolute. Have we become stone deaf? See; here comes a stretcher-bearer, +and there a surgeon! Good heavens! a chaplain! + +The battle was indeed at an end. + +XII + +And this was, O so long ago! How they come back to me--dimly and brokenly, +but with what a magic spell--those years of youth when I was soldiering! +Again I hear the far warble of blown bugles. Again I see the tall, blue +smoke of camp-fires ascending from the dim valleys of Wonderland. There +steals upon my sense the ghost of an odor from pines that canopy the +ambuscade. I feel upon my cheek the morning mist that shrouds the hostile +camp unaware of its doom, and my blood stirs at the ringing rifle-shot of +the solitary sentinel. Unfamiliar landscapes, glittering with sunshine or +sullen with rain, come to me demanding recognition, pass, vanish and give +place to others. Here in the night stretches a wide and blasted field +studded with half-extinct fires burning redly with I know not what presage +of evil. Again I shudder as I note its desolation and its awful silence. +Where was it? To what monstrous inharmony of death was it the visible +prelude? + +O days when all the world was beautiful and strange; when unfamiliar +constellations burned in the Southern midnights, and the mocking-bird +poured out his heart in the moon-gilded magnolia; when there was something +new under a new sun; will your fine, far memories ever cease to lay +contrasting pictures athwart the harsher features of this later world, +accentuating the ugliness of the longer and tamer life? Is it not strange +that the phantoms of a blood-stained period have so airy a grace and look +with so tender eyes?--that I recall with difficulty the danger and death +and horrors of the time, and without effort all that was gracious and +picturesque? Ah, Youth, there is no such wizard as thou! Give me but one +touch of thine artist hand upon the dull canvas of the Present; gild for +but one moment the drear and somber scenes of to-day, and I will willingly +surrender an other life than the one that I should have thrown away at +Shiloh. + + +A LITTLE OF CHICKAMAUGA + +The history of that awful struggle is well known--I have not the intention +to record it here, but only to relate some part of what I saw of it; my +purpose not instruction, but entertainment. + +I was an officer of the staff of a Federal brigade. Chickamauga was not my +first battle by many, for although hardly more than a boy in years, I had +served at the front from the beginning of the trouble, and had seen enough +of war to give me a fair understanding of it. We knew well enough that +there was to be a fight: the fact that we did not want one would have told +us that, for Bragg always retired when we wanted to fight and fought when +we most desired peace. We had manoeuvred him out of Chattanooga, but had +not manoeuvred our entire army into it, and he fell back so sullenly that +those of us who followed, keeping him actually in sight, were a good deal +more concerned about effecting a junction with the rest of our army than +to push the pursuit. By the time that Rosecrans had got his three +scattered corps together we were a long way from Chattanooga, with our +line of communication with it so exposed that Bragg turned to seize it. +Chickamauga was a fight for possession of a road. + +Back along this road raced Crittenden's corps, with those of Thomas and +McCook, which had not before traversed it. The whole army was moving by +its left. + +There was sharp fighting all along and all day, for the forest was so +dense that the hostile lines came almost into contact before fighting was +possible. One instance was particularly horrible. After some hours of +close engagement my brigade, with foul pieces and exhausted cartridge +boxes, was relieved and withdrawn to the road to protect several batteries +of artillery--probably two dozen pieces--which commanded an open field in +the rear of our line. Before our weary and virtually disarmed men had +actually reached the guns the line in front gave way, fell back behind the +guns and went on, the Lord knows whither. A moment later the field was +gray with Confederates in pursuit. Then the guns opened fire with grape +and canister and for perhaps five minutes--it seemed an hour--nothing +could be heard but the infernal din of their discharge and nothing seen +through the smoke but a great ascension of dust from the smitten soil. +When all was over, and the dust cloud had lifted, the spectacle was too +dreadful to describe. The Confederates were still there--all of them, it +seemed--some almost under the muzzles of the guns. But not a man of all +these brave fellows was on his feet, and so thickly were all covered with +dust that they looked as if they had been reclothed in yellow. + +"We bury our dead," said a gunner, grimly, though doubtless all were +afterward dug out, for some were partly alive. + +To a "day of danger" succeeded a "night of waking." The enemy, everywhere +held back from the road, continued to stretch his line northward in the +hope to overlap us and put himself between us and Chattanooga. We neither +saw nor heard his movement, but any man with half a head would have known +that he was making it, and we met it by a parallel movement to our left. +By morning we had edged along a good way and thrown up rude intrenchments +at a little distance from the road, on the threatened side. The day was +not very far advanced when we were attacked furiously all along the line, +beginning at the left. When repulsed, the enemy came again and again--his +persistence was dispiriting. He seemed to be using against us the law of +probabilities: of so many efforts one would eventually succeed. + +One did, and it was my luck to see it win. I had been sent by my chief, +General Hazen, to order up some artillery ammunition and rode away to the +right and rear in search of it. Finding an ordnance train I obtained from +the officer in charge a few wagons loaded with what I wanted, but he +seemed in doubt as to our occupancy of the region across which I proposed +to guide them. Although assured that I had just traversed it, and that it +lay immediately behind Wood's division, he insisted on riding to the top +of the ridge behind which his train lay and overlooking the ground. We did +so, when to my astonishment I saw the entire country in front swarming +with Confederates; the very earth seemed to be moving toward us! They came +on in thousands, and so rapidly that we had barely time to turn tail and +gallop down the hill and away, leaving them in possession of the train, +many of the wagons being upset by frantic efforts to put them about. By +what miracle that officer had sensed the situation I did not learn, for we +parted company then and there and I never again saw him. + +By a misunderstanding Wood's division had been withdrawn from our line of +battle just as the enemy was making an assault. Through the gap of half a +mile the Confederates charged without opposition, cutting our army clean +in two. The right divisions were broken up and with General Rosecrans in +their midst fled how they could across the country, eventually bringing up +in Chattanooga, whence Rosecrans telegraphed to Washington the destruction +of the rest of his army. The rest of his army was standing its ground. + +A good deal of nonsense used to be talked about the heroism of General +Garfield, who, caught in the rout of the right, nevertheless went back and +joined the undefeated left under General Thomas. There was no great +heroism in it; that is what every man should have done, including the +commander of the army. We could hear Thomas's guns going--those of us who +had ears for them--and all that was needful was to make a sufficiently +wide detour and then move toward the sound. I did so myself, and have +never felt that it ought to make me President. Moreover, on my way I met +General Negley, and my duties as topographical engineer having given me +some knowledge of the lay of the land offered to pilot him back to glory +or the grave. I am sorry to say my good offices were rejected a little +uncivilly, which I charitably attributed to the general's obvious absence +of mind. His mind, I think, was in Nashville, behind a breastwork. + +Unable to find my brigade, I reported to General Thomas, who directed me +to remain with him. He had assumed command of all the forces still intact +and was pretty closely beset. The battle was fierce and continuous, the +enemy extending his lines farther and farther around our right, toward our +line of retreat. We could not meet the extension otherwise than by +"refusing" our right flank and letting him inclose us; which but for +gallant Gordon Granger he would inevitably have done. + +This was the way of it. Looking across the fields in our rear (rather +longingly) I had the happy distinction of a discoverer. What I saw was the +shimmer of sunlight on metal: lines of troops were coming in behind us! +The distance was too great, the atmosphere too hazy to distinguish the +color of their uniform, even with a glass. Reporting my momentous "find" I +was directed by the general to go and see who they were. Galloping toward +them until near enough to see that they were of our kidney I hastened back +with the glad tidings and was sent again, to guide them to the general's +position. + +It was General Granger with two strong brigades of the reserve, moving +soldier-like toward the sound of heavy firing. Meeting him and his staff I +directed him to Thomas, and unable to think of anything better to do +decided to go visiting. I knew I had a brother in that gang--an officer of +an Ohio battery. I soon found him near the head of a column, and as we +moved forward we had a comfortable chat amongst such of the enemy's +bullets as had inconsiderately been fired too high. The incident was a +trifle marred by one of them unhorsing another officer of the battery, +whom we propped against a tree and left. A few moments later Granger's +force was put in on the right and the fighting was terrific! + +By accident I now found Hazen's brigade--or what remained of it--which had +made a half-mile march to add itself to the unrouted at the memorable +Snodgrass Hill. Hazen's first remark to me was an inquiry about that +artillery ammunition that he had sent me for. + +It was needed badly enough, as were other kinds: for the last hour or two +of that interminable day Granger's were the only men that had enough +ammunition to make a five minutes' fight. Had the Confederates made one +more general attack we should have had to meet them with the bayonet +alone. I don't know why they did not; probably they were short of +ammunition. I know, though, that while the sun was taking its own time to +set we lived through the agony of at least one death each, waiting for +them to come on. + +At last it grew too dark to fight. Then away to our left and rear some of +Bragg's people set up "the rebel yell." It was taken up successively and +passed round to our front, along our right and in behind us again, until +it seemed almost to have got to the point whence it started. It was the +ugliest sound that any mortal ever heard--even a mortal exhausted and +unnerved by two days of hard fighting, without sleep, without rest, +without food and without hope. There was, however, a space somewhere at +the back of us across which that horrible yell did not prolong itself; and +through that we finally retired in profound silence and dejection, +unmolested. + +To those of us who have survived the attacks of both Bragg and Time, and +who keep in memory the dear dead comrades whom we left upon that fateful +field, the place means much. May it mean something less to the younger men +whose tents are now pitched where, with bended heads and clasped hands, +God's great angels stood invisible among the heroes in blue and the heroes +in gray, sleeping their last sleep in the woods of Chickamauga. + +_1898_. + + +THE CRIME AT PICKETT'S MILL + +There is a class of events which by their very nature, and despite any +intrinsic interest that they may possess, are foredoomed to oblivion. They +are merged in the general story of those greater events of which they were +a part, as the thunder of a billow breaking on a distant beach is unnoted +in the continuous roar. To how many having knowledge of the battles of our +Civil War does the name Pickett's Mill suggest acts of heroism and +devotion performed in scenes of awful carnage to accomplish the +impossible? Buried in the official reports of the victors there are indeed +imperfect accounts of the engagement: the vanquished have not thought it +expedient to relate it. It is ignored by General Sherman in his memoirs, +yet Sherman ordered it. General Howard wrote an account of the campaign of +which it was an incident, and dismissed it in a single sentence; yet +General Howard planned it, and it was fought as an isolated and +independent action under his eye. Whether it was so trifling an affair as +to justify this inattention let the reader judge. + +The fight occurred on the 27th of May, 1864, while the armies of Generals +Sherman and Johnston confronted each other near Dallas, Georgia, during +the memorable "Atlanta campaign." For three weeks we had been pushing the +Confederates southward, partly by manoeuvring, partly by fighting, out of +Dalton, out of Resaca, through Adairsville, Kingston and Cassville. Each +army offered battle everywhere, but would accept it only on its own terms. +At Dallas Johnston made another stand and Sherman, facing the hostile +line, began his customary manoeuvring for an advantage. General Wood's +division of Howard's corps occupied a position opposite the Confederate +right. Johnston finding himself on the 26th overlapped by Schofield, still +farther to Wood's left, retired his right (Polk) across a creek, whither +we followed him into the woods with a deal of desultory bickering, and at +nightfall had established the new lines at nearly a right angle with the +old--Schofield reaching well around and threatening the Confederate rear. + +The civilian reader must not suppose when he reads accounts of military +operations in which relative positions of the forces are defined, as in +the foregoing passages, that these were matters of general knowledge to +those engaged. Such statements are commonly made, even by those high in +command, in the light of later disclosures, such as the enemy's official +reports. It is seldom, indeed, that a subordinate officer knows anything +about the disposition of the enemy's forces--except that it is +unaimable--or precisely whom he is fighting. As to the rank and file, they +can know nothing more of the matter than the arms they carry. They hardly +know what troops are upon their own right or left the length of a regiment +away. If it is a cloudy day they are ignorant even of the points of the +compass. It may be said, generally, that a soldier's knowledge of what is +going on about him is coterminous with his official relation to it and his +personal connection with it; what is going on in front of him he does not +know at all until he learns it afterward. + +At nine o'clock on the morning of the 27th Wood's division was withdrawn +and replaced by Stanley's. Supported by Johnson's division, it moved at +ten o'clock to the left, in the rear of Schofield, a distance of four +miles through a forest, and at two o'clock in the afternoon had reached a +position where General Howard believed himself free to move in behind the +enemy's forces and attack them in the rear, or at least, striking them in +the flank, crush his way along their line in the direction of its length, +throw them into confusion and prepare an easy victory for a supporting +attack in front. In selecting General Howard for this bold adventure +General Sherman was doubtless not unmindful of Chancellorsville, where +Stonewall Jackson had executed a similar manoeuvre for Howard's +instruction. Experience is a normal school: it teaches how to teach. + +There are some differences to be noted. At Chancellorsville it was Jackson +who attacked; at Pickett's Mill, Howard. At Chancellorsville it was Howard +who was assailed; at Pickett's Mill, Hood. The significance of the first +distinction is doubled by that of the second. + +The attack, it was understood, was to be made in column of brigades, +Hazen's brigade of Wood's division leading. That such was at least Hazen's +understanding I learned from his own lips during the movement, as I was an +officer of his staff. But after a march of less than a mile an hour and a +further delay of three hours at the end of it to acquaint the enemy of our +intention to surprise him, our single shrunken brigade of fifteen hundred +men was sent forward without support to double up the army of General +Johnston. "We will put in Hazen and see what success he has." In these +words of General Wood to General Howard we were first apprised of the true +nature of the distinction about to be conferred upon us. + +General W.B. Hazen, a born fighter, an educated soldier, after the war +Chief Signal Officer of the Army and now long dead, was the best hated man +that I ever knew, and his very memory is a terror to every unworthy soul +in the service. His was a stormy life: he was in trouble all round. Grant, +Sherman, Sheridan and a countless multitude of the less eminent luckless +had the misfortune, at one time and another, to incur his disfavor, and he +tried to punish them all. He was always--after the war--the central figure +of a court-martial or a Congressional inquiry, was accused of everything, +from stealing to cowardice, was banished to obscure posts, "jumped on" by +the press, traduced in public and in private, and always emerged +triumphant. While Signal Officer, he went up against the Secretary of War +and put him to the controversial sword. He convicted Sheridan of +falsehood, Sherman of barbarism, Grant of inefficiency. He was aggressive, +arrogant, tyrannical, honorable, truthful, courageous--skillful soldier, a +faithful friend and one of the most exasperating of men Duty was his +religion, and like the Moslem he proselyted with the sword. His missionary +efforts were directed chiefly against the spiritual darkness of his +superiors in rank, though he would turn aside from pursuit of his erring +commander to set a chicken-thieving orderly astride a wooden horse, with a +heavy stone attached to each foot. "Hazen," said a brother brigadier, "is +a synonym of insubordination." For my commander and my friend, my master +in the art of war, now unable to answer for himself, let this fact answer: +when he heard Wood say they would put him in and see what success he would +have in defeating an army--when he saw Howard assent--he uttered never a +word, rode to the head of his feeble brigade and patiently awaited the +command to go. Only by a look which I knew how to read did he betray his +sense of the criminal blunder. + +The enemy had now had seven hours in which to learn of the movement and +prepare to meet it. General Johnston says: + +"The Federal troops extended their intrenched line [we did not intrench] +so rapidly to their left that it was found necessary to transfer +Cleburne's division to Hardee's corps to our right, where it was formed on +the prolongation of Polk's line." + +General Hood, commanding the enemy's right corps, says: + +"On the morning of the 27th the enemy were known to be rapidly extending +their left, attempting to turn my right as they extended. Cleburne was +deployed to meet them, and at half-past five P.M. a very stubborn attack +was made on this division, extending to the right, where Major-General +Wheeler with his cavalry division was engaging them. The assault was +continued with great determination upon both Cleburne and Wheeler." + +That, then, was the situation: a weak brigade of fifteen hundred men, with +masses of idle troops behind in the character of audience, waiting for the +word to march a quarter-mile up hill through almost impassable tangles of +underwood, along and across precipitous ravines, and attack breastworks +constructed at leisure and manned with two divisions of troops as good as +themselves. True, we did not know all this, but if any man on that ground +besides Wood and Howard expected a "walkover" his must have been a +singularly hopeful disposition. As topographical engineer it had been my +duty to make a hasty examination of the ground in front. In doing so I had +pushed far enough forward through the forest to hear distinctly the murmur +of the enemy awaiting us, and this had been duly reported; but from our +lines nothing could be heard but the wind among the trees and the songs of +birds. Some one said it was a pity to frighten them, but there would +necessarily be more or less noise. We laughed at that: men awaiting death +on the battlefield laugh easily, though not infectiously. + +The brigade was formed in four battalions, two in front and two in rear. +This gave us a front of about two hundred yards. The right front battalion +was commanded by Colonel R.L. Kimberly of the 41st Ohio, the left by +Colonel O.H. Payne of the 124th Ohio, the rear battalions by Colonel J.C. +Foy, 23d Kentucky, and Colonel W.W. Berry, 5th Kentucky--all brave and +skillful officers, tested by experience on many fields. The whole command +(known as the Second Brigade, Third Division, Fourth Corps) consisted of +no fewer than nine regiments, reduced by long service to an average of +less than two hundred men each. With full ranks and only the necessary +details for special duty we should have had some eight thousand rifles in +line. + +We moved forward. In less than one minute the trim battalions had become +simply a swarm of men struggling through the undergrowth of the forest, +pushing and crowding. The front was irregularly serrated, the strongest +and bravest in advance, the others following in fan-like formations, +variable and inconstant, ever defining themselves anew. For the first two +hundred yards our course lay along the left bank of a small creek in a +deep ravine, our left battalions sweeping along its steep slope. Then we +came to the fork of the ravine. A part of us crossed below, the rest +above, passing over both branches, the regiments inextricably +intermingled, rendering all military formation impossible. The +color-bearers kept well to the front with their flags, closely furled, +aslant backward over their shoulders. Displayed, they would have been torn +to rags by the boughs of the trees. Horses were all sent to the rear; the +general and staff and all the field officers toiled along on foot as best +they could. "We shall halt and form when we get out of this," said an +aide-de-camp. + +Suddenly there were a ringing rattle of musketry, the familiar hissing of +bullets, and before us the interspaces of the forest were all blue with +smoke. Hoarse, fierce yells broke out of a thousand throats. The forward +fringe of brave and hardy assailants was arrested in its mutable +extensions; the edge of our swarm grew dense and clearly defined as the +foremost halted, and the rest pressed forward to align themselves beside +them, all firing. The uproar was deafening; the air was sibilant with +streams and sheets of missiles. In the steady, unvarying roar of +small-arms the frequent shock of the cannon was rather felt than heard, +but the gusts of grape which they blew into that populous wood were +audible enough, screaming among the trees and cracking against their stems +and branches. We had, of course, no artillery to reply. + +Our brave color-bearers were now all in the forefront of battle in the +open, for the enemy had cleared a space in front of his breastworks. They +held the colors erect, shook out their glories, waved them forward and +back to keep them spread, for there was no wind. From where I stood, at +the right of the line--we had "halted and formed," indeed--I could see six +of our flags at one time. Occasionally one would go down, only to be +instantly lifted by other hands. + +I must here quote again from General Johnston's account of this +engagement, for nothing could more truly indicate the resolute nature of +the attack than the Confederate belief that it was made by the whole +Fourth Corps, instead of one weak brigade: + +"The Fourth Corps came on in deep order and assailed the Texans with great +vigor, receiving their close and accurate fire with the fortitude always +exhibited by General Sherman's troops in the actions of this campaign.... +The Federal troops approached within a few yards of the Confederates, but +at last were forced to give way by their storm of well-directed bullets, +and fell back to the shelter of a hollow near and behind them. They left +hundreds of corpses within twenty paces of the Confederate line. When the +United States troops paused in their advance within fifteen paces of the +Texan front rank one of their color-bearers planted his colors eight or +ten feet in front of his regiment, and was instantly shot dead. A soldier +sprang forward to his place and fell also as he grasped the color-staff. A +second and third followed successively, and each received death as +speedily as his predecessors. A fourth, however, seized and bore back the +object of soldierly devotion." + +Such incidents have occurred in battle from time to time since men began +to venerate the symbols of their cause, but they are not commonly related +by the enemy. If General Johnston had known that his veteran divisions +were throwing their successive lines against fewer than fifteen hundred +men his glowing tribute to his enemy's valor could hardly have been more +generously expressed. I can attest the truth of his soldierly praise: I +saw the occurrence that he relates and regret that I am unable to recall +even the name of the regiment whose colors were so gallantly saved. + +Early in my military experience I used to ask myself how it was that brave +troops could retreat while still their courage was high. As long as a man +is not disabled he can go forward; can it be anything but fear that makes +him stop and finally retire? Are there signs by which he can infallibly +know the struggle to be hopeless? In this engagement, as in others, my +doubts were answered as to the fact; the explanation is still obscure. In +many instances which have come under my observation, when hostile lines of +infantry engage at close range and the assailants afterward retire, there +was a "dead-line" beyond which no man advanced but to fall. Not a soul of +them ever reached the enemy's front to be bayoneted or captured. It was a +matter of the difference of three or four paces--too small a distance to +affect the accuracy of aim. In these affairs no aim is taken at individual +antagonists; the soldier delivers his fire at the thickest mass in his +front. The fire is, of course, as deadly at twenty paces as at fifteen; at +fifteen as at ten. Nevertheless, there is the "dead-line," with its +well-defined edge of corpses--those of the bravest. Where both lines are +fighting without cover--as in a charge met by a counter-charge--each has +its "dead-line," and between the two is a clear space--neutral ground, +devoid of dead, for the living cannot reach it to fall there. + +I observed this phenomenon at Pickett's Mill. Standing at the right of the +line I had an unobstructed view of the narrow, open space across which the +two lines fought. It was dim with smoke, but not greatly obscured: the +smoke rose and spread in sheets among the branches of the trees. Most of +our men fought kneeling as they fired, many of them behind trees, stones +and whatever cover they could get, but there were considerable groups that +stood. Occasionally one of these groups, which had endured the storm of +missiles for moments without perceptible reduction, would push forward, +moved by a common despair, and wholly detach itself from the line. In a +second every man of the group would be down. There had been no visible +movement of the enemy, no audible change in the awful, even roar of the +firing--yet all were down. Frequently the dim figure of an individual +soldier would be seen to spring away from his comrades, advancing alone +toward that fateful interspace, with leveled bayonet. He got no farther +than the farthest of his predecessors. Of the "hundreds of corpses within +twenty paces of the Confederate line," I venture to say that a third were +within fifteen paces, and not one within ten. + +It is the perception--perhaps unconscious--of this inexplicable phenomenon +that causes the still unharmed, still vigorous and still courageous +soldier to retire without having come into actual contact with his foe. He +sees, or feels, that he _cannot_. His bayonet is a useless weapon for +slaughter; its purpose is a moral one. Its mandate exhausted, he sheathes +it and trusts to the bullet. That failing, he retreats. He has done all +that he could do with such appliances as he has. + +No command to fall back was given, none could have been heard. Man by man, +the survivors withdrew at will, sifting through the trees into the cover +of the ravines, among the wounded who could drag themselves back; among +the skulkers whom nothing could have dragged forward. The left of our +short line had fought at the corner of a cornfield, the fence along the +right side of which was parallel to the direction of our retreat. As the +disorganized groups fell back along this fence on the wooded side, they +were attacked by a flanking force of the enemy moving through the field in +a direction nearly parallel with what had been our front. This force, I +infer from General Johnston's account, consisted of the brigade of General +Lowry, or two Arkansas regiments under Colonel Baucum. I had been sent by +General Hazen to that point and arrived in time to witness this formidable +movement. But already our retreating men, in obedience to their officers, +their courage and their instinct of self-preservation, had formed along +the fence and opened fire. The apparently slight advantage of the +imperfect cover and the open range worked its customary miracle: the +assault, a singularly spiritless one, considering the advantages it +promised and that it was made by an organized and victorious force against +a broken and retreating one, was checked. The assailants actually retired, +and if they afterward renewed the movement they encountered none but our +dead and wounded. + +The battle, as a battle, was at an end, but there was still some +slaughtering that it was possible to incur before nightfall; and as the +wreck of our brigade drifted back through the forest we met the brigade +(Gibson's) which, had the attack been made in column, as it should have +been, would have been but five minutes behind our heels, with another five +minutes behind its own. As it was, just forty-five minutes had elapsed, +during which the enemy had destroyed us and was now ready to perform the +same kindly office for our successors. Neither Gibson nor the brigade +which was sent to his "relief" as tardily as he to ours accomplished, or +could have hoped to accomplish, anything whatever. I did not note their +movements, having other duties, but Hazen in his "Narrative of Military +Service" says: + +"I witnessed the attack of the two brigades following my own, and none of +these (troops) advanced nearer than one hundred yards of the enemy's +works. They went in at a run, and as organizations were broken in less +than a minute." + +Nevertheless their losses were considerable, including several hundred +prisoners taken from a sheltered place whence they did not care to rise +and run. The entire loss was about fourteen hundred men, of whom nearly +one-half fell killed and wounded in Hazen's brigade in less than thirty +minutes of actual fighting. + +General Johnston says: + +"The Federal dead lying near our line were counted by many persons, +officers and soldiers. According to these counts there were seven hundred +of them." + +This is obviously erroneous, though I have not the means at hand to +ascertain the true number. I remember that we were all astonished at the +uncommonly large proportion of dead to wounded--a consequence of the +uncommonly close range at which most of the fighting was done. + +The action took its name from a water-power mill near by. This was on a +branch of a stream having, I am sorry to say, the prosaic name of Pumpkin +Vine Creek. I have my own reasons for suggesting that the name of that +water-course be altered to Sunday-School Run. + + +FOUR DAYS IN DIXIE + +During a part of the month of October, 1864, the Federal and Confederate +armies of Sherman and Hood respectively, having performed a surprising and +resultless series of marches and countermarches since the fall of Atlanta, +confronted each other along the separating line of the Coosa River in the +vicinity of Gaylesville, Alabama. Here for several days they remained at +rest--at least most of the infantry and artillery did; what the cavalry +was doing nobody but itself ever knew or greatly cared. It was an +interregnum of expectancy between two regimes of activity. + +I was on the staff of Colonel McConnell, who commanded an infantry brigade +in the absence of its regular commander. McConnell was a good man, but he +did not keep a very tight rein upon the half dozen restless and reckless +young fellows who (for his sins) constituted his "military family." In +most matters we followed the trend of our desires, which commonly ran in +the direction of adventure--it did not greatly matter what kind. In +pursuance of this policy of escapades, one bright Sunday morning +Lieutenant Cobb, an aide-de-camp, and I mounted and set out to "seek our +fortunes," as the story books have it. Striking into a road of which we +knew nothing except that it led toward the river, we followed it for a +mile or such a matter, when we found our advance interrupted by a +considerable creek, which we must ford or go back. We consulted a moment +and then rode at it as hard as we could, possibly in the belief that a +high momentum would act as it does in the instance of a skater passing +over thin ice. Cobb was fortunate enough to get across comparatively dry, +but his hapless companion was utterly submerged. The disaster was all the +greater from my having on a resplendent new uniform, of which I had been +pardonably vain. Ah, what a gorgeous new uniform it never was again! + +A half-hour devoted to wringing my clothing and dry-charging my revolver, +and we were away. A brisk canter of a half-hour under the arches of the +trees brought us to the river, where it was our ill luck to find a boat +and three soldiers of our brigade. These men had been for several hours +concealed in the brush patiently watching the opposite bank in the amiable +hope of getting a shot at some unwary Confederate, but had seen none. For +a great distance up and down the stream on the other side, and for at +least a mile back from it, extended cornfields. Beyond the cornfields, on +slightly higher ground, was a thin forest, with breaks here and there in +its continuity, denoting plantations, probably. No houses were in sight, +and no camps. We knew that it was the enemy's ground, but whether his +forces were disposed along the slightly higher country bordering the +bottom lands, or at strategic points miles back, as ours were, we knew no +more than the least curious private in our army. In any case the river +line would naturally be picketed or patrolled. But the charm of the +unknown was upon us: the mysterious exerted its old-time fascination, +beckoning to us from that silent shore so peaceful and dreamy in the +beauty of the quiet Sunday morning. The temptation was strong and we fell. +The soldiers were as eager for the hazard as we, and readily volunteered +for the madmen's enterprise. Concealing our horses in a cane-brake, we +unmoored the boat and rowed across unmolested. + +Arrived at a kind of "landing" on the other side, our first care was so to +secure the boat under the bank as to favor a hasty re-embarking in case we +should be so unfortunate as to incur the natural consequence of our act; +then, following an old road through the ranks of standing corn, we moved +in force upon the Confederate position, five strong, with an armament of +three Springfield rifles and two Colt's revolvers. We had not the further +advantage of music and banners. One thing favored the expedition, giving +it an apparent assurance of success: it was well officered--an officer to +each man and a half. + +After marching about a mile we came into a neck of woods and crossed an +intersecting road which showed no wheel-tracks, but was rich in +hoof-prints. We observed them and kept right on about our business, +whatever that may have been. A few hundred yards farther brought us to a +plantation bordering our road upon the right. The fields, as was the +Southern fashion at that period of the war, were uncultivated and +overgrown with brambles. A large white house stood at some little distance +from the road; we saw women and children and a few negroes there. On our +left ran the thin forest, pervious to cavalry. Directly ahead an ascent in +the road formed a crest beyond which we could see nothing. + +On this crest suddenly appeared two horsemen in gray, sharply outlined +against the sky--men and animals looking gigantic. At the same instant a +jingling and tramping were audible behind us, and turning in that +direction I saw a score of mounted men moving forward at a trot. In the +meantime the giants on the crest had multiplied surprisingly. Our invasion +of the Gulf States had apparently failed. + +There was lively work in the next few seconds. The shots were thick and +fast--and uncommonly loud; none, I think, from our side. Cobb was on the +extreme left of our advance, I on the right--about two paces apart. He +instantly dived into the wood. The three men and I climbed across the +fence somehow and struck out across the field--actuated, doubtless, by an +intelligent forethought: men on horseback could not immediately follow. +Passing near the house, now swarming like a hive of bees, we made for a +swamp two or three hundred yards away, where I concealed myself in a +jungle, the others continuing--as a defeated commander would put it--to +fall back. In my cover, where I lay panting like a hare, I could hear a +deal of shouting and hard riding and an occasional shot. I heard some one +calling dogs, and the thought of bloodhounds added its fine suggestiveness +to the other fancies appropriate to the occasion. + +Finding myself unpursued after the lapse of what seemed an hour, but was +probably a few minutes, I cautiously sought a place where, still +concealed, I could obtain a view of the field of glory. The only enemy in +sight was a group of horsemen on a hill a quarter of a mile away. Toward +this group a woman was running, followed by the eyes of everybody about +the house. I thought she had discovered my hiding-place and was going to +"give me away." Taking to my hands and knees I crept as rapidly as +possible among the clumps of brambles directly back toward the point in +the road where we had met the enemy and failed to make him ours. There I +dragged myself into a patch of briars within ten feet of the road, where I +lay undiscovered during the remainder of the day, listening to a variety +of disparaging remarks upon Yankee valor and to dispiriting declarations +of intention conditional on my capture, as members of the Opposition +passed and repassed and paused in the road to discuss the morning's +events. In this way I learned that the three privates had been headed off +and caught within ten minutes. Their destination would naturally be +Andersonville; what further became of them God knows. Their captors passed +the day making a careful canvass of the swamp for me. + +When night had fallen I cautiously left my place of concealment, dodged +across the road into the woods and made for the river through the mile of +corn. Such corn! It towered above me like a forest, shutting out all the +starlight except what came from directly overhead. Many of the ears were a +yard out of reach. One who has never seen an Alabama river-bottom +cornfield has not exhausted nature's surprises; nor will he know what +solitude is until he explores one in a moonless night. + +I came at last to the river bank with its fringe of trees and willows and +canes. My intention was to swim across, but the current was swift, the +water forbiddingly dark and cold. A mist obscured the other bank. I could +not, indeed, see the water more than a few yards out. It was a hazardous +and horrible undertaking, and I gave it up, following cautiously along the +bank in search of the spot where we had moored the boat. True, it was +hardly likely that the landing was now unguarded, or, if so, that the boat +was still there. Cobb had undoubtedly made for it, having an even more +urgent need than I; but hope springs eternal in the human breast, and +there was a chance that he had been killed before reaching it. I came at +last into the road that we had taken and consumed half the night in +cautiously approaching the landing, pistol in hand and heart in mouth. The +boat was gone! I continued my journey along the stream--in search of +another. + +My clothing was still damp from my morning bath, my teeth rattled with +cold, but I kept on along the stream until I reached the limit of the +cornfields and entered a dense wood. Through this I groped my way, inch by +inch, when, suddenly emerging from a thicket into a space slightly more +open, I came upon a smoldering camp-fire surrounded by prostrate figures +of men, upon one of whom I had almost trodden. A sentinel, who ought to +have been shot, sat by the embers, his carbine across his lap, his chin +upon his breast. Just beyond was a group of unsaddled horses. The men were +asleep; the sentinel was asleep; the horses were asleep. There was +something indescribably uncanny about it all. For a moment I believed them +all lifeless, and O'Hara's familiar line, "The bivouac of the dead," +quoted itself in my consciousness. The emotion that I felt was that +inspired by a sense of the supernatural; of the actual and imminent peril +of my position I had no thought. When at last it occurred to me I felt it +as a welcome relief, and stepping silently back into the shadow retraced +my course without having awakened a soul. The vividness with which I can +now recall that scene is to me one of the marvels of memory. + +Getting my bearings again with some difficulty, I now made a wide detour +to the left, in the hope of passing around this outpost and striking the +river beyond. In this mad attempt I ran upon a more vigilant sentinel, +posted in the heart of a thicket, who fired at me without challenge. To a +soldier an unexpected shot ringing out at dead of night is fraught with an +awful significance. In my circumstances--cut off from my comrades, groping +about an unknown country, surrounded by invisible perils which such a +signal would call into eager activity--the flash and shock of that firearm +were unspeakably dreadful! In any case I should and ought to have fled, +and did so; but how much or little of conscious prudence there was in the +prompting I do not care to discover by analysis of memory. I went back +into the corn, found the river, followed it back a long way and mounted +into the fork of a low tree. There I perched until the dawn, a most +uncomfortable bird. + +In the gray light of the morning I discovered that I was opposite an +island of considerable length, separated from the mainland by a narrow and +shallow channel, which I promptly waded. The island was low and flat, +covered with an almost impenetrable cane-brake interlaced with vines. +Working my way through these to the other side, I obtained another look at +God's country--Shermany, so to speak. There were no visible inhabitants. +The forest and the water met. This did not deter me. For the chill of the +water I had no further care, and laying off my boots and outer clothing I +prepared to swim. A strange thing now occurred--more accurately, a +familiar thing occurred at a strange moment. A black cloud seemed to pass +before my eyes--the water, the trees, the sky, all vanished in a profound +darkness. I heard the roaring of a great cataract, felt the earth sinking +from beneath my feet. Then I heard and felt no more. + +At the battle of Kennesaw Mountain in the previous June I had been badly +wounded in the head, and for three months was incapacitated for service. +In truth, I had done no actual duty since, being then, as for many years +afterward, subject to fits of fainting, sometimes without assignable +immediate cause, but mostly when suffering from exposure, excitement or +excessive fatigue. This combination of them all had broken me down--most +opportunely, it would seem. + +When I regained my consciousness the sun was high. I was still giddy and +half blind. To have taken to the water would have been madness; I must +have a raft. Exploring my island, I found a pen of slender logs: an old +structure without roof or rafters, built for what purpose I do not know. +Several of these logs I managed with patient toil to detach and convey to +the water, where I floated them, lashing them together with vines. Just +before sunset my raft was complete and freighted with my outer clothing, +boots and pistol. Having shipped the last article, I returned into the +brake, seeking something from which to improvise a paddle. While peering +about I heard a sharp metallic click--the cocking of a rifle! I was a +prisoner. + +The history of this great disaster to the Union arms is brief and simple. +A Confederate "home guard," hearing something going on upon the island, +rode across, concealed his horse and still-hunted me. And, reader, when +you are "held up" in the same way may it be by as fine a fellow. He not +only spared my life, but even overlooked a feeble and ungrateful +after-attempt upon his own (the particulars of which I shall not relate), +merely exacting my word of honor that I would not again try to escape +while in his custody. Escape! I could not have escaped a new-born babe. + +At my captor's house that evening there was a reception, attended by the +elite of the whole vicinity. A Yankee officer in full fig--minus only the +boots, which could not be got on to his swollen feet--was something worth +seeing, and those who came to scoff remained to stare. What most +interested them, I think, was my eating--an entertainment that was +prolonged to a late hour. They were a trifle disappointed by the absence +of horns, hoof and tail, but bore their chagrin with good-natured +fortitude. Among my visitors was a charming young woman from the +plantation where we had met the foe the day before--the same lady whom I +had suspected of an intention to reveal my hiding-place. She had had no +such design; she had run over to the group of horsemen to learn if her +father had been hurt--by whom, I should like to know. No restraint was put +upon me; my captor even left me with the women and children and went off +for instructions as to what disposition he should make of me. Altogether +the reception was "a pronounced success," though it is to be regretted +that the guest of the evening had the incivility to fall dead asleep in +the midst of the festivities, and was put to bed by sympathetic and, he +has reason to believe, fair hands. + +The next morning I was started off to the rear in custody of two mounted +men, heavily armed. They had another prisoner, picked up in some raid +beyond the river. He was a most offensive brute--a foreigner of some +mongrel sort, with just sufficient command of our tongue to show that he +could not control his own. We traveled all day, meeting occasional small +bodies of cavalrymen, by whom, with one exception--a Texan officer--was +civilly treated. My guards said, however, that if we should chance to meet +Jeff Gatewood he would probably take me from them and hang me to the +nearest tree; and once or twice, hearing horsemen approach, they directed +me to stand aside, concealed in the brush, one of them remaining near by +to keep an eye on me, the other going forward with my fellow-prisoner, for +whose neck they seemed to have less tenderness, and whom I heartily wished +well hanged. + +Jeff Gatewood was a "guerrilla" chief of local notoriety, who was a +greater terror to his friends than to his other foes. My guards related +almost incredible tales of his cruelties and infamies. By their account it +was into his camp that I had blundered on Sunday night. + +We put up for the night at a farmhouse, having gone not more than fifteen +miles, owing to the condition of my feet. Here we got a bite of supper and +were permitted to lie before the fire. My fellow-prisoner took off his +boots and was soon sound asleep. I took off nothing and, despite +exhaustion, remained equally sound awake. One of the guards also removed +his footgear and outer clothing, placed his weapons under his neck and +slept the sleep of innocence; the other sat in the chimney corner on +watch. The house was a double log cabin, with an open space between the +two parts, roofed over--a common type of habitation in that region. The +room we were in had its entrance in this open space, the fireplace +opposite, at the end. Beside the door was a bed, occupied by the old man +of the house and his wife. It was partly curtained off from the room. + +In an hour or two the chap on watch began to yawn, then to nod. Pretty +soon he stretched himself on the floor, facing us, pistol in hand. For a +while he supported himself on his elbow, then laid his head on his arm, +blinking like an owl. I performed an occasional snore, watching him +narrowly between my eyelashes from the shadow of my arm. The inevitable +occurred--he slept audibly. + +A half-hour later I rose quietly to my feet, particularly careful not to +disturb the blackguard at my side, and moved as silently as possible to +the door. Despite my care the latch clicked. The old lady sat bolt upright +in bed and stared at me. She was too late. I sprang through the door and +struck out for the nearest point of woods, in a direction previously +selected, vaulting fences like an accomplished gymnast and followed by a +multitude of dogs. It is said that the State of Alabama has more dogs than +school-children, and that they cost more for their keep. The estimate of +cost is probably too high. + +Looking backward as I ran, I saw and heard the place in a turmoil and +uproar; and to my joy the old man, evidently oblivious to the facts of the +situation, was lifting up his voice and calling his dogs. They were good +dogs: they went back; otherwise the malicious old rascal would have had my +skeleton. Again the traditional bloodhound did not materialize. Other +pursuit there was no reason to fear; my foreign gentleman would occupy the +attention of one of the soldiers, and in the darkness of the forest I +could easily elude the other, or, if need be, get him at a disadvantage. +In point of fact there was no pursuit. + +I now took my course by the north star (which I can never sufficiently +bless), avoiding all roads and open places about houses, laboriously +boring my way through forests, driving myself like a wedge into brush and +bramble, swimming every stream I came to (some of them more than once, +probably), and pulling myself out of the water by boughs and +briars--whatever could be grasped. Let any one try to go a little way +across even the most familiar country on a moonless night, and he will +have an experience to remember. By dawn I had probably not made three +miles. My clothing and skin were alike in rags. + +During the day I was compelled to make wide detours to avoid even the +fields, unless they were of corn; but in other respects the going was +distinctly better. A light breakfast of raw sweet potatoes and persimmons +cheered the inner man; a good part of the outer was decorating the several +thorns, boughs and sharp rocks along my sylvan wake. + +Late in the afternoon I found the river, at what point it was impossible +to say. After a half-hour's rest, concluding with a fervent prayer that I +might go to the bottom, I swam across. Creeping up the bank and holding my +course still northward through a dense undergrowth, I suddenly reeled into +a dusty highway and saw a more heavenly vision than ever the eyes of a +dying saint were blessed withal--two patriots in blue carrying a stolen +pig slung upon a pole! + +Late that evening Colonel McConnell and his staff were chatting by a +camp-fire in front of his headquarters. They were in a pleasant humor: +some one had just finished a funny story about a man cut in two by a +cannon-shot. Suddenly something staggered in among them from the outer +darkness and fell into the fire. Somebody dragged it out by what seemed to +be a leg. They turned the animal on its back and examined it--they were no +cowards. + +"What is it, Cobb?" said the chief, who had not taken the trouble to rise. + +"I don't know, Colonel, but thank God it is dead!" + +It was not. + + +WHAT OCCURRED AT FRANKLIN + +For several days, in snow and rain, General Schofield's little army had +crouched in its hastily constructed defenses at Columbia, Tennessee. It +had retreated in hot haste from Pulaski, thirty miles to the south, +arriving just in time to foil Hood, who, marching from Florence, Alabama, +by another road, with a force of more than double our strength, had hoped +to intercept us. Had he succeeded, he would indubitably have bagged the +whole bunch of us. As it was, he simply took position in front of us and +gave us plenty of employment, but did not attack; he knew a trick worth +two of that. + +Duck River was directly in our rear; I suppose both our flanks rested on +it. The town was between them. One night--that of November 27, 1864--we +pulled up stakes and crossed to the north bank to continue our retreat to +Nashville, where Thomas and safety lay--such safety as is known in war. It +was high time too, for before noon of the next day Forrest's cavalry +forded the river a few miles above us and began pushing back our own horse +toward Spring Hill, ten miles in our rear, on our only road. Why our +infantry was not immediately put in motion toward the threatened point, so +vital to our safety, General Schofield could have told better than I. +Howbeit, we lay there inactive all day. + +The next morning--a bright and beautiful one--the brigade of Colonel P. +Sidney Post was thrown out, up the river four or five miles, to see what +it could see. What it saw was Hood's head-of-column coming over on a +pontoon bridge, and a right pretty spectacle it would have been to one +whom it did not concern. It concerned us rather keenly. + +As a member of Colonel Post's staff, I was naturally favored with a good +view of the performance. We formed in line of battle at a distance of +perhaps a half-mile from the bridge-head, but that unending column of gray +and steel gave us no more attention than if we had been a crowd of +farmer-folk. Why should it? It had only to face to the left to be itself a +line of battle. Meantime it had more urgent business on hand than brushing +away a small brigade whose only offense was curiosity; it was making for +Spring Hill with all its legs and wheels. Hour after hour we watched that +unceasing flow of infantry and artillery toward the rear of our army. It +was an unnerving spectacle, yet we never for a moment doubted that, acting +on the intelligence supplied by our succession of couriers, our entire +force was moving rapidly to the point of contact. The battle of Spring +Hill was obviously decreed. Obviously, too, our brigade of observation +would be among the last to have a hand in it. The thought annoyed us, made +us restless and resentful. Our mounted men rode forward and back behind +the line, nervous and distressed; the men in the ranks sought relief in +frequent changes of posture, in shifting their weight from one leg to the +other, in needless inspection of their weapons and in that unfailing +resource of the discontented soldier, audible damning of those in the +saddles of authority. But never for more than a moment at a time did any +one remove his eyes from that fascinating and portentous pageant. + +Toward evening we were recalled, to learn that of our five divisions of +infantry, with their batteries, numbering twenty-three thousand men, only +one--Stanley's, four thousand weak--had been sent to Spring Hill to meet +that formidable movement of Hood's three veteran corps! Why Stanley was +not immediately effaced is still a matter of controversy. Hood, who was +early on the ground, declared that he gave the needful orders and tried +vainly to enforce them; Cheatham, in command of his leading corps, that he +did not. Doubtless the dispute is still being carried on between these +chieftains from their beds of asphodel and moly in Elysium. So much is +certain: Stanley drove away Forrest and successfully held the junction of +the roads against Cleburne's division, the only infantry that attacked +him. + +That night the entire Confederate army lay within a half mile of our road, +while we all sneaked by, infantry, artillery, and trains. The enemy's +camp-fires shone redly--miles of them--seemingly only a stone's throw from +our hurrying column. His men were plainly visible about them, cooking +their suppers--a sight so incredible that many of our own, thinking them +friends, strayed over to them and did not return. At intervals of a few +hundred yards we passed dim figures on horseback by the roadside, +enjoining silence. Needless precaution; we could not have spoken if we had +tried, for our hearts were in our throats. But fools are God's peculiar +care, arid one of his protective methods is the stupidity of other fools. +By daybreak our last man and last wagon had passed the fateful spot +unchallenged, and our first were entering Franklin, ten miles away. +Despite spirited cavalry attacks on trains and rear-guard, all were in +Franklin by noon and such of the men as could be kept awake were throwing +up a slight line of defense, inclosing the town. + +Franklin lies--or at that time did lie; I know not what exploration might +now disclose--on the south bank of a small river, the Harpeth by name. For +two miles southward was a nearly flat, open plain, extending to a range of +low hills through which passed the turnpike by which we had come. From +some bluffs on the precipitous north bank of the river was a commanding +overlook of all this open ground, which, although more than a mile away, +seemed almost at one's feet. On this elevated ground the wagon-train had +been parked and General Schofield had stationed himself--the former for +security, the latter for outlook. Both were guarded by General Wood's +infantry division, of which my brigade was a part. "We are in beautiful +luck," said a member of the division staff. With some prevision of what +was to come and a lively recollection of the nervous strain of helpless +observation, I did not think it luck. In the activity of battle one does +not feel one's hair going gray with vicissitudes of emotion. + +For some reason to the writer unknown General Schofield had brought along +with him General D.S. Stanley, who commanded two of his divisions--ours +and another, which was not "in luck." In the ensuing battle, when this +excellent officer could stand the strain no longer, he bolted across the +bridge like a shot and found relief in the hell below, where he was +promptly tumbled out of the saddle by a bullet. + +Our line, with its reserve brigades, was about a mile and a half long, +both flanks on the river, above and below the town--a mere bridge-head. It +did not look a very formidable obstacle to the march of an army of more +than forty thousand men. In a more tranquil temper than his failure at +Spring Hill had put him into Hood would probably have passed around our +left and turned us out with ease--which would justly have entitled him to +the Humane Society's great gold medal. Apparently that was not his day for +saving life. + +About the middle of the afternoon our field-glasses picked up the +Confederate head-of-column emerging from the range of hills previously +mentioned, where it is cut by the Columbia road. But--ominous +circumstance!--it did not come on. It turned to its left, at a right +angle, moving along the base of the hills, parallel to our line. Other +heads-of-column came through other gaps and over the crests farther along, +impudently deploying on the level ground with a spectacular display of +flags and glitter of arms. I do not remember that they were molested, even +by the guns of General Wagner, who had been foolishly posted with two +small brigades across the turnpike, a half-mile in our front, where he was +needless for apprisal and powerless for resistance. My recollection is +that our fellows down there in their shallow trenches noted these +portentous dispositions without the least manifestation of incivility. As +a matter of fact, many of them were permitted by their compassionate +officers to sleep. And truly it was good weather for that: sleep was in +the very atmosphere. The sun burned crimson in a gray-blue sky through a +delicate Indian-summer haze, as beautiful as a day-dream in paradise. If +one had been given to moralizing one might have found material a-plenty +for homilies in the contrast between that peaceful autumn afternoon and +the bloody business that it had in hand. If any good chaplain failed to +"improve the occasion" let us hope that he lived to lament in +sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses his intellectual unthrift. + +The putting of that army into battle shape--its change from columns into +lines--could not have occupied more than an hour or two, yet it seemed an +eternity. Its leisurely evolutions were irritating, but at last it moved +forward with atoning rapidity and the fight was on. First, the storm +struck Wagner's isolated brigades, which, vanishing in fire and smoke, +instantly reappeared as a confused mass of fugitives inextricably +intermingled with their pursuers. They had not stayed the advance a +moment, and as might have been foreseen were now a peril to the main line, +which could protect itself only by the slaughter of its friends. To the +right and left, however, our guns got into play, and simultaneously a +furious infantry fire broke out along the entire front, the paralyzed +center excepted. But nothing could stay those gallant rebels from a +hand-to-hand encounter with bayonet and butt, and it was accorded to them +with hearty good-will. + +Meantime Wagner's conquerors were pouring across the breastwork like water +over a dam. The guns that had spared the fugitives had now no time to +fire; their infantry supports gave way and for a space of more than two +hundred yards in the very center of our line the assailants, mad with +exultation, had everything their own way. From the right and the left +their gray masses converged into the gap, pushed through, and then, +spreading, turned our men out of the works so hardly held against the +attack in their front. From our viewpoint on the bluff we could mark the +constant widening of the gap, the steady encroachment of that blazing and +smoking mass against its disordered opposition. + +"It is all up with us," said Captain Dawson, of Wood's staff; "I am going +to have a quiet smoke." + +I do not doubt that he supposed himself to have borne the heat and burden +of the strife. In the midst of his preparations for a smoke he paused and +looked again--a new tumult of musketry had broken loose. Colonel Emerson +Opdycke had rushed his reserve brigade into the _melee_ and was bitterly +disputing the Confederate advantage. Other fresh regiments joined in the +countercharge, commanderless groups of retreating men returned to their +work, and there ensued a hand-to-hand contest of incredible fury. Two +long, irregular, mutable, and tumultuous blurs of color were consuming +each other's edge along the line of contact. Such devil's work does not +last long, and we had the great joy to see it ending, not as it began, but +"more nearly to the heart's desire." Slowly the mobile blur moved away +from the town, and presently the gray half of it dissolved into its +elemental units, all in slow recession. The retaken guns in the embrasures +pushed up towering clouds of white smoke; to east and to west along the +reoccupied parapet ran a line of misty red till the spitfire crest was +without a break from flank to flank. Probably there was some Yankee +cheering, as doubtless there had been the "rebel yell," but my memory +recalls neither. There are many battles in a war, and many incidents in a +battle: one does not recollect everything. Possibly I have not a retentive +ear. + +While this lively work had been doing in the center, there had been no +lack of diligence elsewhere, and now all were as busy as bees. I have read +of many "successive attacks"--"charge after charge"--but I think the only +assaults after the first were those of the second Confederate lines and +possibly some of the reserves; certainly there were no visible abatement +and renewal of effort anywhere except where the men who had been pushed +out of the works backward tried to reenter. And all the time there was +fighting. + +After resetting their line the victors could not clear their front, for +the baffled assailants would not desist. All over the open country in +their rear, clear back to the base of the hills, drifted the wreck of +battle, the wounded that were able to walk; and through the receding +throng pushed forward, here and there, horsemen with orders and footmen +whom we knew to be bearing ammunition. There were no wagons, no caissons: +the enemy was not using, and could not use, his artillery. Along the line +of fire we could see, dimly in the smoke, mounted officers, singly and in +small groups, attempting to force their horses across the slight parapet, +but all went down. Of this devoted band was the gallant General Adams, +whose body was found upon the slope, and whose animal's forefeet were +actually inside the crest. General Cleburne lay a few paces farther out, +and five or six other general officers sprawled elsewhere. It was a great +day for Confederates in the line of promotion. + +For many minutes at a time broad spaces of battle were veiled in smoke. Of +what might be occurring there conjecture gave a terrifying report. In a +visible peril observation is a kind of defense; against the unseen we lift +a trembling hand. Always from these regions of obscurity we expected the +worst, but always the lifted cloud revealed an unaltered situation. + +The assailants began to give way. There was no general retreat; at many +points the fight continued, with lessening ferocity and lengthening range, +well into the night. It became an affair of twinkling musketry and broad +flares of artillery; then it sank to silence in the dark. + +Under orders to continue his retreat, Schofield could now do so +unmolested: Hood had suffered so terrible a loss in life and _morale_ that +he was in no condition for effective pursuit. As at Spring Hill, daybreak +found us on the road with all our impedimenta except some of our wounded, +and that night we encamped under the protecting guns of Thomas, at +Nashville. Our gallant enemy audaciously followed, and fortified himself +within rifle-reach, where he remained for two weeks without firing a gun +and was then destroyed. + + +'WAY DOWN IN ALABAM' + +At the break-up of the great Rebellion I found myself at Selma, Alabama, +still in the service of the United States, and although my duties were now +purely civil my treatment was not uniformly so, and I am not surprised +that it was not. I was a minor official in the Treasury Department, +engaged in performance of duties exceedingly disagreeable not only to the +people of the vicinity, but to myself as well. They consisted in the +collection and custody of "captured and abandoned property." The Treasury +had covered pretty nearly the entire area of "the States lately in +rebellion" with a hierarchy of officials, consisting, as nearly as memory +serves, of one supervising agent and a multitude of special agents. Each +special agent held dominion over a collection district and was allowed an +"agency aide" to assist him in his purposeful activity, besides such +clerks, laborers and so forth as he could persuade himself to need. My +humble position was that of agency aide. When the special agent was +present for duty I was his chief executive officer; in his absence I +represented him (with greater or less fidelity to the original and to my +conscience) and was invested with his powers. In the Selma agency the +property that we were expected to seize and defend as best we might was +mostly plantations (whose owners had disappeared; some were dead, others +in hiding) and cotton. The country was full of cotton which had been sold +to the Confederate Government, but not removed from the plantations to +take its chance of export through the blockade. It had been decided that +it now belonged to the United States. It was worth about five hundred +dollars a bale--say one dollar a pound. The world agreed that that was a +pretty good price for cotton. + +Naturally the original owners, having received nothing for their product +but Confederate money which the result of the war had made worthless, +manifested an unamiable reluctance to give it up, for if they could market +it for themselves it would more than recoup them for all their losses in +the war. They had therefore exercised a considerable ingenuity in effacing +all record of its transfer to the Confederate Government, obliterating the +marks on the bales, and hiding these away in swamps and other +inconspicuous places, fortifying their claims to private ownership with +appalling affidavits and "covering their tracks" in an infinite variety of +ways generally. + +In effecting their purpose they encountered many difficulties. Cotton in +bales is not very portable property; it requires for movement and +concealment a good deal of cooeperation by persons having no interest in +keeping the secret and easily accessible to the blandishments of those +interested in tracing it. The negroes, by whom the work was necessarily +done, were zealous to pay for emancipation by fidelity to the new +_regime_, and many poor devils among them forfeited their lives by +services performed with more loyalty than discretion. Railways--even those +having a more than nominal equipment of rails and rolling stock--were +unavailable for secret conveyance of the cotton. Navigating the Alabama +and Tombigbee rivers were a few small steamboats, the half-dozen pilots +familiar with these streams exacting one hundred dollars a day for their +services; but our agents, backed by military authority, were at all the +principal shipping points and no boat could leave without their consent. +The port of Mobile was in our hands and the lower waters were patrolled by +gunboats. Cotton might, indeed, be dumped down a "slide" by night at some +private landing and fall upon the deck of a steamer idling innocently +below. It might even arrive at Mobile, but secretly to transfer it to a +deep-water vessel and get it out of the country--that was a dream. + +On the movement of private cotton we put no restrictions; and such were +the freight rates that it was possible to purchase a steamboat at Mobile, +go up the river in ballast, bring down a cargo of cotton and make a +handsome profit, after deducting the cost of the boat and all expenses of +the venture, including the wage of the pilot. With no great knowledge of +"business" I venture to think that in Alabama in the latter part of the +year of grace 1865 commercial conditions were hardly normal. + +Nor were social conditions what I trust they have now become. There was no +law in the country except of the unsatisfactory sort known as "martial," +and that was effective only within areas covered by the guns of isolated +forts and the physical activities of their small garrisons. True, there +were the immemorial laws of self-preservation and retaliation, both of +which were liberally interpreted. The latter was faithfully administered, +mostly against straggling Federal soldiers and too zealous government +officials. When my chief had been ordered to Selma he had arrived just in +time to act as sole mourner at the funeral of his predecessor--who had had +the bad luck to interpret his instructions in a sense that was +disagreeable to a gentleman whose interests were affected by the +interpretation. Early one pleasant morning shortly afterward two United +States marshals were observed by the roadside in a suburb of the town. +They looked comfortable enough there in the sunshine, but each + + had that across his throat + Which you had hardly cared to see. + +When dispatched on business of a delicate nature men in the service of the +agency had a significant trick of disappearing--they were of "the +unreturning brave." Really the mortality among the unacclimated in the +Selma district at that time was excessive. When my chief and I parted at +dinner time (our palates were not in harmony) we commonly shook hands and +tried to say something memorable that was worthy to serve as "last words." +We had been in the army together and had many a time gone into battle +without having taken that precaution in the interest of history. + +Of course the better class of the people were not accountable for this +state of affairs, and I do not remember that I greatly blamed the others. +The country was full of the "elements of combustion." The people were +impoverished and smarting with a sense of defeat. Organized resistance was +no longer possible, but many men trained to the use of arms did not +consider themselves included in the surrender and conscientiously believed +it both right and expedient to prolong the struggle by private enterprise. +Many, no doubt, made the easy and natural transition from soldiering to +assassination by insensible degrees, unconscious of the moral difference, +such as it is. Selma was little better than a ruin; in the concluding +period of the war General Wilson's cavalry had raided it and nearly +destroyed it, and the work begun by the battery had been completed by the +torch. The conflagration was generally attributed to the negroes, who +certainly augmented it, for a number of those suspected of the crime were +flung into the flames by the maddened populace. None the less were the +Yankee invaders held responsible. + +Every Northern man represented some form or phase of an authority which +these luckless people horribly hated, and to which they submitted only +because, and in so far as, they had to. Fancy such a community, utterly +without the restraints of law and with no means of ascertaining public +opinion--for newspapers were not--denied even the moral advantage of the +pulpit! Considering what human nature has the misfortune to be, it is +wonderful that there was so little of violence and crime. + +As the carcass invites the vulture, this prostrate land drew adventurers +from all points of the compass. Many, I am sorry to say, were in the +service of the United States Government. Truth to tell, the special agents +of the Treasury were themselves, as a body, not altogether spotless. I +could name some of them, and some of their assistants, who made large +fortunes by their opportunities. The special agents were allowed +one-fourth of the value of the confiscated cotton for expenses of +collection--none too much, considering the arduous and perilous character +of the service; but the plan opened up such possibilities of fraud as have +seldom been accorded by any system of conducting the public business, and +never without disastrous results to official morality. Against bribery no +provision could have provided an adequate safeguard; the magnitude of the +interests involved was too great, the administration of the trust too +loose and irresponsible. The system as it was, hastily devised in the +storm and stress of a closing war, broke down in the end, and it is +doubtful if the Government might not more profitably have let the +"captured and abandoned property" alone. + +As an instance of the temptations to which we were exposed, and of our +tactical dispositions in resistance, I venture to relate a single +experience of my own. During an absence of my chief I got upon the trail +of a lot of cotton--seven hundred bales, as nearly as I now +recollect--which had been hidden with so exceptional ingenuity that I was +unable to trace it. One day there came to my office two well-dressed and +mannerly fellows who suffered me to infer that they knew all about this +cotton and controlled it. When our conference on the subject ended it was +past dinner time and they civilly invited me to dine with them, which, in +hope of eliciting information over the wine, I did. I knew well enough +that they indulged a similar selfish hope, so I had no scruples about +using their hospitality to their disadvantage if I could. The subject, +however, was not mentioned at table, and we were all singularly abstemious +in the matter of champagne--so much so that as we rose from a rather long +session at the board we disclosed our sense of the ludicrousness of the +situation by laughing outright. Nevertheless, neither party would accept +defeat, and for the next few weeks the war of hospitality was fast and +furious. We dined together nearly every day, sometimes at my expense, +sometimes at theirs. We drove, rode, walked, played at billiards and made +many a night of it; but youth and temperance (in drink) pulled me through +without serious inroads on my health. We had early come to an +understanding and a deadlock. Failing to get the slenderest clew to the +location of the cotton I offered them one-fourth if they would surrender +it or disclose its hiding-place; they offered me one-fourth if I would +sign a permit for its shipment as private property. + +All things have an end, and this amusing contest finally closed. Over the +remains of a farewell dinner, unusually luxurious, as befitted the +occasion, we parted with expressions of mutual esteem--not, I hope, +altogether insincere, and the ultimate fate of the cotton is to me +unknown. Up to the date of my departure from the agency not a bale of it +had either come into possession of the Government or found an outlet. I am +sometimes disloyal enough to indulge myself in the hope that they baffled +my successors as skilfully as they did me. One cannot help feeling a +certain tenderness for men who know and value a good dinner. + +Another corrupt proposal that I had the good fortune to be afraid to +entertain came, as it were, from within. There was a dare-devil fellow +whom, as I know him to be dead, I feel justified in naming Jack Harris. He +was engaged in all manner of speculative ventures on his own account, but +the special agent had so frequently employed him in "enterprises of great +pith and moment" that he was in a certain sense and to a certain extent +one of us. He seemed to me at the time unique, but shortly afterward I had +learned to classify him as a type of the Californian adventurer with whose +peculiarities of manner, speech and disposition most of us are to-day +familiar enough. He never spoke of his past, having doubtless good reasons +for reticence, but any one learned in Western slang--a knowledge then +denied me--would have catalogued him with infallible accuracy. He was a +rather large, strong fellow, swarthy, black-bearded, black-eyed, +black-hearted and entertaining, no end; ignorant with an ignorance whose +frankness redeemed it from offensiveness, vulgar with a vulgarity that +expressed itself in such metaphors and similes as would have made its +peace with the most implacable refinement. He drank hard, gambled high, +swore like a parrot, scoffed at everything, was openly and proudly a +rascal, did not know the meaning of fear, borrowed money abundantly, and +squandered it with royal disregard. Desiring one day to go to Mobile, but +reluctant to leave Montgomery and its pleasures--unwilling to quit +certainty for hope--he persuaded the captain of a loaded steamboat to wait +four days for him at an expense of $400 a day; and lest time should hang +too heavy on the obliging skipper's hands, Jack permitted him to share the +orgies gratis. But that is not my story. + +One day Jack came to me with a rather more sinful proposal than he had +heretofore done me the honor to submit. He knew of about a thousand bales +of cotton, some of it private property, some of it confiscable, stored at +various points on the banks of the Alabama. He had a steamboat in +readiness, "with a gallant, gallant crew," and he proposed to drop quietly +down to the various landings by night, seize the cotton, load it on his +boat and make off down the river. What he wanted from me, and was willing +to pay for, was only my official signature to some blank shipping permits; +or if I would accompany the expedition and share its fortunes no papers +would be necessary. In declining this truly generous offer I felt that I +owed it to Jack to give him a reason that he was capable of understanding, +so I explained to him the arrangements at Mobile, which would prevent him +from transferring his cargo to a ship and getting the necessary papers +permitting her to sail. He was astonished and, I think, pained by my +simplicity. Did I think him a fool? He did not purpose--not he--to +tranship at all: the perfected plan was to dispense with all hampering +formality by slipping through Mobile Bay in the black of the night and +navigating his laden river craft across the Gulf to Havana! The rascal was +in dead earnest, and that natural timidity of disposition which compelled +me to withhold my cooeperation greatly lowered me in his esteem, I fear. + +It was in Cuba, by the way, that Jack came to grief some years later. He +was one of the crew of the filibustering vessel _Virginius_, and was +captured and shot along with the others. Something in his demeanor as he +knelt in the line to receive the fatal fusillade prompted a priest to +inquire his religion. "I am an atheist, by God!" said Jack, and with this +quiet profession of faith that gentle spirit winged its way to other +tropics. + +Having expounded with some particularity the precarious tenure by which I +held my office and my life in those "thrilling regions" where my duties +lay, I ought to explain by what unhappy chance I am still able to afflict +the reader. There lived in Selma a certain once wealthy and still +influential citizen, whose two sons, of about my own age, had served as +officers in the Confederate Army. I will designate them simply as Charles +and Frank. They were types of a class now, I fear, almost extinct. Born +and bred in luxury and knowing nothing of the seamy side of life--except, +indeed, what they had learned in the war--well educated, brave, generous, +sensitive to points of honor, and of engaging manners, these brothers were +by all respected, by many loved and by some feared. For they had quick +fingers upon the pistol-trigger withal, and would rather fight a duel than +eat--nay, drink. Nor were they over-particular about the combat taking the +form of a duel--almost any form was good enough. I made their acquaintance +by chance and cultivated it for the pleasure it gave me. It was long +afterward that I gave a thought to its advantages; but from the time that +I became generally known as their friend my safety was assured through all +that region; an army with banners could not have given me the same +immunity from danger, obstruction or even insult in the performance of my +disagreeable duties. What glorious fellows they were, to be sure--these my +late antagonists of the dark days when, God forgive us, we were trying to +cut one another's throat. To this day I feel a sense of regret when I +think of my instrumentality, however small, in depriving the world of many +such men in the criminal insanity that we call battle. + +Life in Selma became worth living even as the chance of living it +augmented. With my new friends and a friend of theirs, whose name--the +more shame to me--I cannot now recall, but should not write here if I +could, I passed most of my leisure hours. At the houses of themselves and +their friends I did most of my dining; and, heaven be praised! there was +no necessity for moderation in wine. In their society I committed my sins, +and together beneath that noble orb unknown to colder skies, the Southern +moon, we atoned for them by acts of devotion performed with song and lute +beneath the shrine window of many a local divinity. + +One night we had an adventure. We were out late--so late that it was night +only astronomically. The streets were "deserted and drear," and, of +course, unlighted--the late Confederacy had no gas and no oil. +Nevertheless, we saw that we were followed. A man keeping at a fixed +distance behind turned as we turned, paused as we paused, and pursued as +we moved on. We stopped, went back and remonstrated; asked his intentions +in, I dare say, no gentle words. He gave us no reply, but as we left him +he followed. Again we stopped, and I felt my pistol plucked out of my +pocket. Frank had unceremoniously possessed himself of it and was +advancing on the enemy. I do not remember if I had any wish to interpose a +protest--anyhow there was no time. Frank fired and the man fell. In a +moment all the chamber-windows in the street were thrown open with a head +visible (and audible) in each. We told Frank to go home, which to our +surprise he did; the rest of us, assisted by somebody's private +policeman--who afterward apprised us that we were in arrest--carried the +man to a hotel. It was found that his leg was broken above the knee, and +the next day it was amputated. We paid his surgeon and his hotel bill, and +when he had sufficiently recovered sent him to an address which he gave us +in Mobile; but not a word could anybody get out of him as to who he had +the misfortune to be, or why he had persisted, against the light, in +following a quartet of stray revelers. + +On the morning of the shooting, when everything possible had been done for +the comfort of the victim, we three accomplices were released on our own +recognizance by an old gentleman of severe aspect, who had resumed his +function of justice of the peace where he had laid it down during the war. +I did not then know that he had no more legal authority than I had myself, +and I was somewhat disturbed in mind as I reflected on the possibilities +of the situation. The opportunity to get rid of an offensive Federal +official must of course be very tempting, and after all the shooting was a +trifle hasty and not altogether justifiable. + +On the day appointed for our preliminary examination, all of us except +Frank were released and put on the witness-stand. We gave a true and +congruent history of the affair. The holdover justice listened to it all +very patiently and then, with commendable brevity and directness of +action, fined Frank five dollars and costs for disorderly conduct. There +was no appeal. + +There were queer characters in Alabama in those days, as you shall see. +Once upon a time the special agent and I started down the Tombigbee River +with a steamboat load of government cotton--some six hundred bales. At one +of the military stations we took on a guard of a dozen or fifteen soldiers +under command of a non-commissioned officer. One evening, just before +dusk, as we were rounding a bend where the current set strongly against +the left bank of the stream and the channel lay close to that shore, we +were suddenly saluted with a volley of bullets and buckshot from that +direction. The din of the firing, the rattle and crash of the missiles +splintering the woodwork and the jingle of broken glass made a very rude +arousing from the tranquil indolence of a warm afternoon on the sluggish +Tombigbee. The left bank, which at this point was a trifle higher than the +hurricane deck of a steamer, was now swarming with men who, almost near +enough to jump aboard, looked unreasonably large and active as they sprang +about from cover to cover, pouring in their fire. At the first volley the +pilot had deserted his wheel, as well he might, and the boat, drifting in +to the bank under the boughs of a tree, was helpless. Her jackstaff and +yawl were carried away, her guards broken in, and her deck-load of cotton +was tumbling into the stream a dozen bales at once. The captain was +nowhere to be seen, the engineer had evidently abandoned his post and the +special agent had gone to hunt up the soldiers. I happened to be on the +hurricane deck, armed with a revolver, which I fired as rapidly as I +could, listening all the time for the fire of the soldiers--and listening +in vain. It transpired later that they had not a cartridge among them; and +of all helpless mortals a soldier without a cartridge is the most +imbecile. But all this time the continuous rattle of the enemy's guns and +the petulant pop of my own pocket firearm were punctuated, as it were, by +pretty regularly recurring loud explosions, as of a small cannon. They +came from somewhere forward--I supposed from the opposition, as I knew we +had no artillery on board. + +The failure of our military guard made the situation somewhat grave. For +two of us, at least, capture meant hanging out of hand. I had never been +hanged in all my life and was not enamored of the prospect. Fortunately +for us the bandits had selected their point of attack without military +foresight. Immediately below them a bayou, impassable to them, let into +the river. The moment we had drifted below it we were safe from boarding +and capture. The captain was found in hiding and an empty pistol at his +ear persuaded him to resume command of his vessel; the engineer and pilot +were encouraged to go back to their posts and after some remarkably long +minutes, during which we were under an increasingly long-range fire, we +got under way. A few cotton bales piled about the pilot-house made us +tolerably safe from that sort of thing in the future and then we took +account of our damages. Nobody had been killed and only a few were +wounded. This gratifying result was attributable to the fact that, being +unarmed, nearly everybody had dived below at the first fire and taken +cover among the cotton bales. While issuing a multitude of needless +commands from the front of the hurricane-deck I looked below, and there, +stretched out at full length on his stomach, lay a long, ungainly person, +clad in faded butternut, bare-headed, his long, lank hair falling down +each side of his neck, his coat-tails similarly parted, and his enormous +feet spreading their soles to the blue sky. He had an old-fashioned +horse-pistol, some two feet long, which he was in the act of sighting +across his left palm for a parting shot at the now distant assailants. A +more ludicrous figure I never saw; I laughed outright; but when his weapon +went off it was matter for gratitude to be above it instead of before it. +It was the "cannon" whose note I had marked all through the unequal fray. + +The fellow was a returned Confederate whom we had taken on at one of the +upper landings as our only passenger; we were dead-heading him to Mobile. +He was undoubtedly in hearty sympathy with the enemy, and I at first +suspected him of collusion, but circumstances not necessary to detail here +rendered this impossible. Moreover, I had distinctly seen one of the +"guerrillas" fall and remain down after my own weapon was empty, and no +man else on board except the passenger had fired a shot or had a shot to +fire. When everything had been made snug again, and we were gliding along +under the stars, without apprehension; when I had counted fifty-odd bullet +holes through the pilot-house (which had not received the attention that +by its prominence and importance it was justly entitled to) and everybody +was variously boasting his prowess, I approached my butternut +comrade-in-arms and thanked him for his kindly aid. "But," said I, "how +the devil does it happen that _you_ fight _that_ crowd?" + +"Wal, Cap," he drawled, as he rubbed the powder grime from his antique +artillery, "I allowed it was mouty clever in you-all to take me on, seein' +I hadn't ary cent, so I thought I'd jist kinder work my passage." + + +WORKING FOR AN EMPRESS + +In the spring of 1874 I was living in the pretty English town of +Leamington, a place that will be remembered by most Americans who have +visited the grave of Shakespeare at Stratford-on-Avon, or by personal +inspection of the ruins of Kenilworth Castle have verified their knowledge +of English history derived from Scott's incomparable romance. I was at +that time connected with several London newspapers, among them the +_Figaro_, a small weekly publication, semi-humorous, semi-theatrical, with +a remarkable aptitude for managing the political affairs of France in the +interest of the Imperialists. This last peculiarity it owed to the +personal sympathies of its editor and proprietor, Mr. James Mortimer, a +gentleman who for some twenty years before the overthrow of the Empire had +lived in Paris. Mr. Mortimer had been a personal friend of the Emperor and +Empress, and on the flight of the latter to England had rendered her +important service; and after the release of the Emperor from captivity +among the Germans Mr. Mortimer was a frequent visitor to the imperial +exiles at Chiselhurst. + +One day at Leamington my London mail brought a letter from Mr. Mortimer, +informing me that he intended to publish a new satirical journal, which he +wished me to write. I was to do all the writing, he the editing; and it +would not be necessary for me to come up to London; I could send +manuscript by mail. The new journal was not to appear at stated periods, +but "occasionally." Would I submit to him a list of suitable titles for +it, from which he could make a selection? + +With some surprise at what seemed to me the singularly whimsical and +unbusiness-like features of the enterprise I wrote him earnestly advising +him either to abandon it or materially to modify his plan. I represented +to him that such a journal, so conducted, could not in my judgment +succeed; but he was obdurate and after a good deal of correspondence I +consented to do all the writing if he was willing to do all the losing +money. I submitted a number of names which I thought suitable for the +paper, but all were rejected, and he finally wrote that he had decided to +call the new journal _The Lantern_. This decision elicited from me another +energetic protest. The title was not original, but obviously borrowed from +M. Rochefort's famous journal, _La Lanterne_. True, that publication was +dead, and its audacious editor deported to New Caledonia with his +Communistic following; but the name could hardly be agreeable to Mr. +Mortimer's Imperialist friends, particularly the Empress--the Emperor was +then dead. To my surprise Mr. Mortimer not only adhered to his resolution +but suggested the propriety of my taking M. Rochefort's late lamented +journal as a model for our own. This I flatly declined to do and carried +my point; I was delighted to promise, however, that the new paper should +resemble the old in one particular: it should be irritatingly +disrespectful of existing institutions and exalted personages. + +On the 18th of May, 1874, there was published at the corner of St. Bride +Street and Shoe Lane, E.C., London, the first number of "_The +Lantern_--Appearing Occasionally. Illuminated by Faustin. Price, +sixpence." It was a twelve-page paper with four pages of superb +illustrations in six colors. I winced when I contemplated its artistic and +mechanical excellence, for I knew at what a price that quality had been +obtained. A gold mine would be required to maintain that journal, and that +journal could by no means ever be itself a gold mine. A copy lies before +me as I write and noting it critically I cannot help thinking that the +illuminated title-page of this pioneer in the field of chromatic +journalism is the finest thing of the kind that ever came from a press. + +Of the literary contents I am less qualified for judgment, inasmuch as I +wrote every line in the paper. It may perhaps be said without immodesty +that the new "candidate for popular favor" was not distinguished by +servile flattery of the British character and meek subservience to the +British Government, as might perhaps be inferred from the following +extract from an article on General Sir Garnet Wolseley, who had just +received the thanks of his Sovereign and a munificent reward from +Parliament for his successful plundering expedition through Ashantee: + +"We feel a comfortable sense of satisfaction in the thought that _The +Lantern_ will never fail to shed the light of its loyal approval upon any +unworthy act by which our country shall secure an adequate and permanent +advantage. When the great heart of England is stirred by quick cupidity to +profitable crime, far be it from us to lift our palms in deprecation. In +the wrangle for existence nations, equally with individuals, work by +diverse means to a common end--the spoiling of the weak; and when by +whatever of outrage we have pushed a feeble competitor to the wall, in +Heaven's name let us pin him fast and relieve his pockets of the material +good to which, in bestowing it upon him, the bountiful Lord has invited +our thieving hand. But these Ashantee women were not worth garroting. +Their fal-lals, precious to them, are worthless to us; the entire loot +fetched only L11,000--of which sum the man who brought home the trinkets +took a little more than four halves. We submit that with practiced agents +in every corner of the world and a watchful government at home this great +commercial nation might dispose of its honor to better advantage." + +With the candor of repentance it may now be confessed that, however +unscrupulous it may be abroad, a government which tolerates this kind of +criticism cannot rightly be charged with tyranny at home. + +By way (as I supposed) of gratitude to M. Rochefort for the use of the +title of his defunct journal it had been suggested by Mr. Mortimer that he +be given a little wholesome admonition here and there in the paper and I +had cheerfully complied. M. Rochefort had escaped from New Caledonia some +months before. A disagreeable cartoon was devised for his discomfort and +he received a number of such delicate attentions as that following, which +in the issue of July 15th greeted him on his arrival in England along with +his distinguished compatriot, M. Pascal Grousset: + +"M. Rochefort is a gentleman who has lost his standing. There have been +greater falls than his. Kings before now have become servitors, honest men +bandits, thieves communists. Insignificant in his fortunes as in his +abilities, M. Rochefort, who was never very high, is not now very low--he +has avoided the falsehood of extremes: never quite a count, he is now but +half a convict. Having missed the eminence that would have given him +calumniation, he is also denied the obscurity that would bring +misconstruction. He is not even a _miserable_; he is a person. It is +curious to note how persistently this man has perverted his gifts. With +talents that might have corrupted panegyric, he preferred to refine +detraction; fitted to disgrace the _salon_, he has elected to adorn the +cell; the qualities that would have endeared him to a blackguard he has +wasted upon Pascal Grousset. + +"As we write, it is reported that this person is in England. It is further +affirmed that it is his intention to proceed to Belgium or Switzerland to +fight certain journalists who have not had the courtesy to suppress the +truth about him, though he never told it of them. We presume, however, +this rumor is false; M. Rochefort must retain enough of the knowledge he +acquired when he was esteemed a gentleman to be aware that a meeting +between him and a journalist is now impossible. This is the more to be +regretted, because M. Paul de Cassagnac would have much pleasure in taking +M. Rochefort's life and we in lamenting his fall. + +"M. Rochefort, we believe, is already suffering from an unhealed wound. It +is his mouth." + +There was a good deal of such "scurril jesting" in the paper, especially +in a department called "Prattle." There were verses on all manner of +subjects--mostly the nobility and their works and ways, from the viewpoint +of disapproval--and epigrams, generally ill-humorous, like the following, +headed "_Novum Organum_": + + "In Bacon see the culminating prime + Of British intellect and British crime. + He died, and Nature, settling his affairs, + Parted his powers among us, his heirs: + To each a pinch of common-sense, for seed, + And, to develop it, a pinch of greed. + Each frugal heir, to make the gift suffice, + Buries the talent to manure the vice." + +When the first issue of _The Lantern_ appeared I wrote to Mr. Mortimer, +again urging him to modify his plans and alter the character of the +journal. He replied that it suited him as it was and he would let me know +when to prepare "copy" for the second number. That eventually appeared on +July 15th. I never was instructed to prepare any more copy, and there has +been, I believe, no further issue of that interesting sheet as yet. + +Taking a retrospective view of this singular venture in journalism, one +day, the explanation of the whole matter came to my understanding in the +light of a revelation, and was confirmed later by Mr. Mortimer. + +In the days when Napoleon III was at the zenith of his glory and power +there was a thorn in his side. It was the pen of M. Henri Rochefort, le +Comte de Lucay, journalist and communard. Despite fines, "suppressions," +and imprisonments, this gifted writer and unscrupulous blackguard had, as +every one knows, made incessant war upon the Empire and all its +_personnel_. The bitter and unfair attacks of his paper, _La Lanterne_, +made life at the Tuilleries exceedingly uncomfortable. His rancor against +the Empress was something horrible, and went to the length of denying the +legitimacy of the Prince Imperial. His existence was a menace and a terror +to the illustrious lady, even when she was in exile at Chiselhurst and he +in confinement on the distant island of New Caledonia. When the news of +his escape from that penal colony arrived at Chiselhurst the widowed +Empress was in despair; and when, on his way to England, he announced his +intention of reviving _La Lanterne_ in London (of course he dared not +cross the borders of France) she was utterly prostrated by the fear of his +pitiless animosity. But what could she do? Not prevent the revival of his +dreadful newspaper, certainly, but--well, she could send for Mr. Mortimer. +That ingenious gentleman was not long at a loss for an expedient that +would accomplish what was possible. He shut Rochefort out of London by +forestalling him. At the very time when Mortimer was asking me to suggest +a suitable name for the new satirical journal he had already registered at +Stationers' Hall--that is to say, copyrighted--the title of _The Lantern_, +a precaution which M. Rochefort's French friends had neglected to take, +although they had expended thousands of pounds in a plant for their +venture. Mr. Mortimer cruelly permitted them to go on with their costly +preparations, and the first intimation they had that the field was +occupied came from the newsdealers selling _The Lantern_. After some +futile attempts at relief and redress, M. Rochefort took himself off and +set up his paper in Belgium. + +The expenses of _The Lantern_--including a generous _douceur_ to +myself--were all defrayed by the Empress. She was the sole owner of it +and, I was gratified to learn, took so lively an interest in her venture +that a special French edition was printed for her private reading. I was +told that she especially enjoyed the articles on M. le Comte de Lucay, +though I dare say some of the delicate subtleties of their literary style +were lost in translation. + +Being in London later in the year, I received through Mortimer an +invitation to visit the poor lady, _en famille_, at Chiselhurst; but as +the iron rules of imperial etiquette, even in exile, required that the +hospitable request be made in the form of a "command," my republican +independence took alarm and I had the incivility to disobey; and I still +think it a sufficient distinction to be probably the only American +journalist who was ever employed by an Empress in so congenial a pursuit +as the pursuit of another journalist. + + +ACROSS THE PLAINS + +That noted pioneer, General John Bidwell, of California, once made a +longish step up the western slope of our American Parnassus by an account +of his journey "across the plains" seven years before the lamented Mr. +Marshall had found the least and worst of all possible reasons for making +the "trek." General Bidwell had not the distinction to be a great writer, +but in order to command admiration and respect in that province of the +Republic of Letters which lies in the Sacramento Valley above the mouth of +the Yuba the gift of writing greatly is a needless endowment. Nevertheless +I read his narrative with an interest which on analysis turns out to be a +by-product of personal experience: among my youthful indiscretions was a +journey over much of the same ground, which I took in much the same +way--as did many thousands before and after. + +It was a far cry from 1841 to 1866, yet the country between the Missouri +River and the Sierra Nevada had not greatly improved: civilization had +halted at the river, awaiting transportation. A railroad had set out from +Omaha westward, and another at Sacramento was solemnly considering the +impossible suggestion of going eastward to meet it. There were lunatics in +those days, as there are in these. I left the one road a few miles out of +the Nebraskan village and met the other at Dutch Flat, in California. + +Waste no compassion on the loneliness of my journey: a thriving colony of +Mormons had planted itself in the valley of Salt Lake and there were +"forts" at a few points along the way, where ambitious young army officers +passed the best years of their lives guarding live stock and teaching the +mysteries of Hardee's tactics to that alien patriot, the American regular. +There was a dusty wagon road, bordered with bones--not always those of +animals--with an occasional mound, sometimes dignified with a warped and +rotting head-board bearing an illegible inscription. (One inscription not +entirely illegible is said to have concluded with this touching tribute to +the worth of the departed: "He was a good egg." Another was: "He done his +damnedest") In other particulars the "Great American Desert" of our +fathers was very like what it was when General Bidwell's party traversed +it with that hereditary instinct, that delicacy of spiritual nose which +served the Western man of that day in place of a map and guide-book. +Westward the course of empire had taken its way, but excepting these poor +vestiges it had for some fifteen hundred miles left no trace of its march. +The Indian of the plains had as yet seen little to unsettle his assurance +of everlasting dominion. Of the slender lines of metal creeping slowly +toward him from East and West he knew little; and had he known more, how +could he have foreseen their momentous effect upon his "ancient solitary +reign"? + +I remember very well, as so many must, some of the marked features of the +route that General Bidwell mentions. One of the most imposing of these is +Court House Rock, near the North Platte. Surely no object of such dignity +ever had a more belittling name--given it in good faith no doubt by some +untraveled wight whose county court-house was the most "reverend pile" of +which he had any conception. It should have been called the Titan's +Castle. What a gracious memory I have of the pomp and splendor of its +aspect, with the crimson glories of the setting sun fringing its outlines, +illuminating its western walls like the glow of Mammon's fires for the +witches' revel in the Hartz, and flung like banners from its crest! + +I suppose Court House Rock is familiar enough and commonplace enough to +the dwellers in that land (riparian tribes once infesting the low lands of +Ohio and Indiana and the flats of Iowa), but to me, tipsy with youth, +full-fed on Mayne Reid's romances, and now first entering the enchanted +region that he so charmingly lied about, it was a revelation and a dream. +I wish that anything in the heavens, on the earth, or in the waters under +the earth would give me now such an emotion as I experienced in the shadow +of that "great rock in a weary land." + +I was not a pilgrim, but an engineer _attache_ to an expedition through +Dakota and Montana, to inspect some new military posts. The expedition +consisted, where the Indians preserved the peace, of the late General W.B. +Hazen, myself, a cook and a teamster; elsewhere we had an escort of +cavalry. My duty, as I was given to understand it, was to amuse the +general and other large game, make myself as comfortable as possible +without too much discomfort to others, and when in an unknown country +survey and map our route for the benefit of those who might come after. +The posts which the general was to inspect had recently been established +along a military road, one end of which was at the North Platte and the +other--there was no other end; up about Fort C.F. Smith at the foot of the +Big-Horn Mountains the road became a buffalo trail and was lost in the +weeds. But it was a useful road, for by leaving it before going too far +one could reach a place near the headwaters of the Yellowstone, where the +National Park is now. + +By a master stroke of military humor we were ordered to return (to +Washington) via Salt Lake City, San Francisco and Panama. I obeyed until I +got as far as San Francisco, where, finding myself appointed to a second +lieutenancy in the Regular Army, ingratitude, more strong than traitors' +arms, quite vanquished me: I resigned, parted from Hazen more in sorrow +than in anger and remained in California. + +I have thought since that this may have been a youthful error: the +Government probably meant no harm, and if I had served long enough I might +have become a captain. In time, if I lived, I should naturally have become +the senior captain of the Army; and then if there were another war and any +of the field officers did me the favor to paunch a bullet I should become +the junior major, certain of another step upward as soon as a number of my +superiors equal to the whole number of majors should be killed, resign or +die of old age--enchanting prospect! But I am getting a long way off the +trail. + +It was near Fort C.F. Smith that we found our first buffaloes, and +abundant they were. We had to guard our camp at night with fire and sword +to keep them from biting us as they grazed. Actually one of them +half-scalped a teamster as he lay dreaming of home with his long fair hair +commingled with the toothsome grass. His utterances as the well-meaning +beast lifted him from the ground and tried to shake the earth from his +roots were neither wise nor sweet, but they made a profound impression on +the herd, which, arching its multitude of tails, absented itself to +pastures new like an army with banners. + +At Fort C.F. Smith we parted with our _impedimenta_, and with an escort of +about two dozen cavalrymen and a few pack animals struck out on horseback +through an unexplored country northwest for old Fort Benton, on the upper +Missouri. The journey was not without its perils. Our only guide was my +compass; we knew nothing of the natural obstacles that we must encounter; +the Indians were on the warpath, and our course led us through the very +heart of their country. Luckily for us they were gathering their clans +into one great army for a descent upon the posts that we had left behind; +a little later some three thousand of them moved upon Fort Phil Kearney, +lured a force of ninety men and officers outside and slaughtered them to +the last man. This was one of the posts that we had inspected, and the +officers killed had hospitably entertained us. + +In that lively and interesting book, "Indian Fights and Fighters," Dr. +Cyrus Townsend Brady says of this "outpost of civilization": + +"The most careful watchfulness was necessary at all hours of the day and +night. The wood trains to fetch logs to the sawmills were heavily guarded. +There was fighting all the time. Casualties among the men were by no means +rare. At first it was difficult to keep men within the limits of the camp; +but stragglers who failed to return, and some who had been cut off, +scalped and left for dead, but who had crawled back to die, convinced +every one of the wisdom of the commanding officer's repeated orders and +cautions. To chronicle the constant succession of petty skirmishes would +be wearisome; yet they often resulted in torture and loss of life on the +part of the soldiers, although the Indians in most instances suffered the +more severely." + +In a footnote the author relates this characteristic instance of the +Government's inability to understand: "Just when the alarms were most +frequent a messenger came to the headquarters, announcing that a train _en +route_ from Fort Laramie, with special messengers from that post, was +corraled by Indians, and demanded immediate help. An entire company of +infantry in wagons, with a mountain howitzer and several rounds of +grapeshot, was hastened to their relief. It proved to be a train with mail +from the Laramie Commission, announcing the confirmation of a +'satisfactory treaty of peace with all the Indians of the Northwest,' and +assuring the district commander of the fact. The messenger was brought in +in safety, and _peace_ lasted until his message was delivered. So much was +gained--that the messenger did not lose his scalp." + +Through this interesting environment our expeditionary force of four men +had moved to the relief of the beleaguered post, but finding it impossible +to "raise the siege" had--with a score of troopers--pushed on to Fort C.F. +Smith, and thence into the Unknown. + +The first part of this new journey was well enough; there were game and +water. Where we swam the Yellowstone we had an abundance of both, for the +entire river valley, two or three miles wide, was dotted with elk. There +were hundreds. As we advanced they became scarce; buffalo became scarce; +bear, deer, rabbits, sage-hens, even prairie dogs gave out, and we were +near starving. Water gave out too, and starvation was a welcome state: our +hunger was so much less disagreeable than our thirst that it was a real +treat. + +However, we got to Benton, Heaven knows how and why, but we were a +sorry-looking lot, though our scalps were intact. If in all that region +there is a mountain that I have not climbed, a river that I have not swum, +an alkali pool that I have not thrust my muzzle into, or an Indian that I +have not shuddered to think about, I am ready to go back in a Pullman +sleeper and do my duty. + +From Fort Benton we came down through Helena and Virginia City, +Montana--then new mining camps--to Salt Lake, thence westward to +California. Our last bivouac was on the old camp of the Donner party, +where, in the flickering lights and dancing shadows made by our camp-fire, +I first heard the story of that awful winter, and in the fragrance of the +meat upon the coals fancied I could detect something significantly +uncanny. The meat which the Donner party had cooked at that spot was not +quite like ours. Pardon: I mean it was not like that which we cooked. + + +THE MIRAGE + +Since the overland railways have long been carrying many thousands of +persons across the elevated plateaus of the continent the mirage in many +of its customary aspects has become pretty well known to great numbers of +persons all over the Union, and the tales of early observers who came "der +blains agross" are received with a less frigid inhospitality than they +formerly were by incredulous pioneers who had come "der Horn aroundt," as +the illustrious Hans Breitmann phrases it; but in its rarer and more +marvelous manifestations, the mirage is still a rock upon which many a +reputation for veracity is wrecked remediless. With an ambition intrepidly +to brave this disaster, and possibly share it with the hundreds of devoted +souls whose disregard of the injunction never to tell an incredible truth +has branded them as hardy and impenitent liars, I purpose to note here a +few of the more remarkable illusions by which my own sense of sight has +been befooled by the freaks of the enchanter. + +It is apart from my purpose to explain the mirage scientifically, and not +altogether in my power. Every schoolboy can do so, I suppose, to the +satisfaction of his teacher if the teacher has not himself seen the +phenomenon, or has seen it only in the broken, feeble and evanescent +phases familiar to the overland passenger; but for my part I am unable to +understand how the simple causes affirmed in the text-books sufficiently +account for the infinite variety and complexity of some of the effects +said to be produced by them. But of this the reader shall judge for +himself. + +One summer morning in the upper North Platte country I rose from my +blankets, performed the pious acts of sun-worship by yawning toward the +east, kicked together the parted embers of my camp-fire, and bethought me +of water for my ablutions. We had gone into bivouac late in the night on +the open plain, and without any clear notion of where we were. There were +a half-dozen of us, our chief on a tour of inspection of the new military +posts in Wyoming. I accompanied the expedition as surveyor. Having an +aspiration for water I naturally looked about to see what might be the +prospect of obtaining it, and to my surprise and delight saw a long line +of willows, apparently some three hundred yards away. Willows implied +water, and snatching up a camp-kettle I started forward without taking the +trouble to put on my coat and hat. For the first mile or two I preserved a +certain cheerful hopefulness; but when the sun had risen farther toward +the meridian and began to affect my bare head most uncomfortably, and the +picketed horses at the camp were hull down on the horizon in the rear, and +the willows in front increased their pace out of all proportion to mine, I +began to grow discouraged and sat down on a stone to wish myself back. +Perceiving that the willows also had halted for breath I determined to +make a dash at them, leaving the camp-kettle behind to make its way back +to camp as best it could. I was now traveling "flying light," and had no +doubt of my ability to overtake the enemy, which had, however, disappeared +over the crest of a low sandhill. Ascending this I was treated to a +surprise. Right ahead of me lay a barren waste of sand extending to the +right and left as far as I could see. Its width in the direction that I +was going I judged to be about twenty miles. On its farther border the +cactus plain began again, sloping gradually upward to the horizon, along +which was a fringe of cedar trees--the willows of my vision! In that +country a cedar will not grow within thirty miles of water if it knows it. + +On my return journey I coldly ignored the appeals of the camp-kettle, and +when I met the rescuing party which had been for some hours trailing me +made no allusion to the real purpose of my excursion. When the chief asked +if I purposed to enter a plea of temporary insanity I replied that I would +reserve my defense for the present; and in fact I never did disclose it +until now. + +I had afterward the satisfaction of seeing the chief, an experienced +plainsman, consume a full hour, rifle in hand, working round to the +leeward of a dead coyote in the sure and certain hope of bagging a +sleeping buffalo. Mirage or no mirage, you must not too implicitly trust +your eyes in the fantastic atmosphere of the high plains. + +I remember that one forenoon I looked forward to the base of the Big Horn +Mountains and selected a most engaging nook for the night's camp. My good +opinion of it was confirmed when we reached it three days later. The +deception in this instance was due to nothing but the marvelous lucidity +of the atmosphere and the absence of objects of known dimensions, and +these sources of error are sometimes sufficient of themselves to produce +the most incredible illusions. When they are in alliance with the mirage +the combination's pranks are bewildering. + +One of the most grotesque and least comfortable of my experiences with the +magicians of the air occurred near the forks of the Platte. There had been +a tremendous thunder-storm, lasting all night. In the morning my party set +forward over the soaken prairie under a cloudless sky intensely blue. I +was riding in advance, absorbed in thought, when I was suddenly roused to +a sense of material things by exclamations of astonishment and +apprehension from the men behind. Looking forward, I beheld a truly +terrifying spectacle. Immediately in front, at a distance, apparently, of +not more than a quarter-mile, was a long line of the most formidable +looking monsters that the imagination ever conceived. They were taller +than trees. In them the elements of nature seemed so fantastically and +discordantly confused and blended, compounded, too, with architectural and +mechanical details, that they partook of the triple character of animals, +houses and machines. Legs they had, that an army of elephants could have +marched among; bodies that ships might have sailed beneath; heads about +which eagles might have delighted to soar, and ears--they were singularly +well gifted with ears. But wheels also they were endowed with, and vast +sides of blank wall; the wheels as large as the ring of a circus, the +walls white and high as cliffs of chalk along an English coast. Among +them, on them, beneath, in and a part of them, were figures and fragments +of figures of gigantic men. All were inextricably interblended and +superposed--a man's head and shoulders blazoned on the side of an animal; +a wheel with legs for spokes rolling along the creature's back; a vast +section of wall, having no contact with the earth, but (with a tail +hanging from its rear, like a note of admiration) moving along the line, +obscuring here an anatomical horror and disclosing there a mechanical +nightmare. In short, this appalling procession, which was crossing our +road with astonishing rapidity, seemed made up of unassigned and +unassorted units, out of which some imaginative god might be about to +create a world of giants, ready supplied with some of the appliances of a +high civilization. Yet the whole apparition had so shadowy and spectral a +look that the terror it inspired was itself vague and indefinite, like the +terror of a dream. It affected our horses as well as ourselves; they +extended their necks and threw forward their ears. For some moments we sat +in our saddles surveying the hideous and extravagant spectacle without a +word, and our tongues were loosened only when it began rapidly to diminish +and recede, and at last was resolved into a train of mules and wagons, +barely visible on the horizon. They were miles away and outlined against +the blue sky. + +I then remembered what my astonishment had not permitted me closely to +note--that this pageant had appeared to move along parallel to the foot of +a slope extending upward and backward to an immense height, intersected +with rivers and presenting all the features of a prairie landscape. The +mirage had in effect contracted the entire space between us and the train +to a pistol-shot in breadth, and had made a background for its horrible +picture by lifting into view Heaven knows how great an extent of country +below our horizon. Does refraction account for all this? To this day I +cannot without vexation remember the childish astonishment that prevented +me from observing the really interesting features of the spectacle and +kept my eyes fixed with a foolish distension on a lot of distorted mules, +teamsters and wagons. + +One of the commonest and best known tricks of the mirage is that of +overlaying a dry landscape with ponds and lakes, and by a truly +interesting and appropriate coincidence one or more travelers perishing of +thirst seem always to be present, properly to appreciate the humor of the +deception; but when a gentleman whose narrative suggested this article +averred that he had seen these illusory lakes navigated by phantom boats +filled with visionary persons he was, I daresay, thought to be drawing the +long bow, even by many miragists in good standing. For aught I know he may +have been. I can only attest the entirely credible character of the +statement. + +Away up at the headwaters of the Missouri, near the British possessions, I +found myself one afternoon rather unexpectedly on the shore of an ocean. +At less than a gunshot from where I stood was as plainly defined a +seabeach as one could wish to see. The eye could follow it in either +direction, with all its bays, inlets and promontories, to the horizon. The +sea was studded with islands, and these with tall trees of many kinds, +both islands and trees being reflected in the water with absolute +fidelity. On many of the islands were houses, showing white beneath the +trees, and on one which lay farthest out seaward was a considerable city, +with towers, domes and clusters of steeples. There were ships in the +offing whose sails glistened in the sunlight and, closer in, several boats +of novel but graceful design, crowded with human figures, moved smoothly +among the lesser islands, impelled by some power invisible from my point +of view, each boat attended by its inverted reflection "crowding up +beneath the keel." It must be admitted that the voyagers were habited +after a somewhat uncommon fashion--almost unearthly, I may say--and were +so grouped that at my distance I could not clearly distinguish their +individual limbs and attitudes. Their features were, of course, entirely +invisible. None the less, they were plainly human beings--what other +creatures would be boating? Of the other features of the scene--the coast, +islands, trees, houses, city and ships hull-down in the offing--I +distinctly affirm an absolute identity of visible aspect with those to +which we are accustomed in the realm of reality; imagination had simply +nothing to do with the matter. True, I had not recently had the advantage +of seeing any such objects, except trees, and these had been mighty poor +specimens, but, like Macduff, I "could not but remember such things were," +nor had I forgotten how they looked. + +Of course I was not for an instant deceived by all this: I knew that under +it all lay a particularly forbidding and inhospitable expanse of sagebrush +and cactus, peopled with nothing more nearly akin to me than prairie dogs, +ground owls and jackass rabbits--that with these exceptions the desert was +as desolate as the environment of Ozymandias' "vast and trunkless legs of +stone." But as a show it was surely the most enchanting that human eyes +had ever looked on, and after more years than I care to count it remains +one of memory's most precious possessions. The one thing which always +somewhat impairs the illusion in such instances--the absence of the +horizon water-line--did not greatly abate the _vraisemblance_ in this, for +the large island in the distance nearly closed the view seaward, and the +ships occupied most of the remaining space. I had but to fancy a slight +haze on the farther water, and all was right and regular. For more than a +half-hour this charming picture remained intact; then ugly patches of +plain began to show through, the islands with their palms and temples +slowly dissolved, the boats foundered with every soul on board, the sea +drifted over the headlands in a most unwaterlike way, and inside the hour +since, + + like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes + He stared at the Pacific, and all his men + Looked at each other with a wild surmise, + Silent upon a peak in Darien, + +I had discovered this unknown sea all this insubstantial pageant had faded +like the baseless fabric of the vision that it was and left not a rack +behind. + +In some of its minor manifestations the mirage is sometimes seen on the +western coast of our continent, in the bay of San Francisco, for example, +causing no small surprise to the untraveled and unread observer, and no +small pain to the spirits of purer fire who are fated to be caught within +earshot and hear him pronounce it a "mirridge." I have seen Goat Island +without visible means of support and Red Rock suspended in mid-air like +the coffin of the Prophet. Looking up toward Mare Island one most +ungracious morning when a barbarous norther had purged the air of every +stain and the human soul of every virtue, I saw San Pablo Bay margined +with cliffs whose altitude must have exceeded considerably that from whose +dizzy verge old eyeless Gloster, falling in a heap at his own feet, +supposed himself to have sailed like a stone. + +One more instance and "I've done, i' faith." Gliding along down the Hudson +River one hot summer afternoon in a steamboat, I went out on the +afterguard for a breath of fresh air, but there was none to be had. The +surface of the river was like oil and the steamer's hull slipped through +it with surprisingly little disturbance. Her tremor was for once hardly +perceptible; the beating of her paddles was subdued to an almost inaudible +rhythm. The air seemed what we call "hollow" and had apparently hardly +enough tenuity to convey sounds. Everywhere on the surface of the glassy +stream were visible undulations of heat, and the light steam of +evaporation lay along the sluggish water and hung like a veil between the +eye and the bank. Seated in an armchair and overcome by the heat and the +droning of some prosy passengers near by, I fell asleep. When I awoke the +guards were crowded with passengers in a high state of excitement, +pointing and craning shoreward. Looking in the same direction I saw, +through the haze, the sharp outlines of a city in gray silhouette. Roofs, +spires, pinnacles, chimneys, angles of wall--all were there, cleanly cut +out against the air. + +"What is it?" I cried, springing to my feet. + +"That, sir," replied a passenger stolidly, "is Poughkeepsie." + +It was. + + +A SOLE SURVIVOR + +Among the arts and sciences, the art of Sole Surviving is one of the most +interesting, as (to the artist) it is by far the most important. It is not +altogether an art, perhaps, for success in it is largely due to accident. +One may study how solely to survive, yet, having an imperfect natural +aptitude, may fail of proficiency and be early cut off. To the contrary, +one little skilled in its methods, and not even well grounded in its +fundamental principles, may, by taking the trouble to have been born with +a suitable constitution, attain to a considerable eminence in the art. +Without undue immodesty, I think I may fairly claim some distinction in it +myself, although I have not regularly acquired it as one acquires +knowledge and skill in writing, painting and playing the flute. O yes, I +am a notable Sole Survivor, and some of my work in that way attracts great +attention, mostly my own. + +You would naturally expect, then, to find in me one who has experienced +all manner of disaster at sea and the several kinds of calamity incident +to a life on dry land. It would seem a just inference from my Sole +Survivorship that I am familiar with railroad wrecks, inundations (though +these are hardly dry-land phenomena), pestilences, earthquakes, +conflagrations and other forms of what the reporters delight to call "a +holocaust." This is not entirely true; I have never been shipwrecked, +never assisted as "unfortunate sufferer" at a fire or railway collision, +and know of the ravages of epidemics only by hearsay. The most destructive +_temblor_ of which I have had a personal experience decreased the +population of San Francisco by fewer, probably, than ten thousand persons, +of whom not more than a dozen were killed; the others moved out of town. +It is true that I once followed the perilous trade of a soldier, but my +eminence in Sole Surviving is of a later growth and not specially the +product of the sword. + +Opening the portfolio of memory, I draw out picture after +picture--"figure-pieces"--groups of forms and faces whereof mine only now +remains, somewhat the worse for wear. + +Here are three young men lolling at ease on a grassy bank. One, a +handsome, dark-eyed chap, with a forehead like that of a Grecian god, +raises his body on his elbow, looks straight away to the horizon, where +some black trees hold captive certain vestiges of sunset as if they had +torn away the plumage of a flight of flamingoes, and says: "Fellows, I +mean to be rich. I shall see every country worth seeing. I shall taste +every pleasure worth having. When old, I shall become a hermit." + +Said another slender youth, fair-haired: "I shall become President and +execute a _coup d'etat_ making myself an absolute monarch. I shall then +issue a decree requiring that all hermits be put to death." + +The third said nothing. Was he restrained by some prescient sense of the +perishable nature of the material upon which he was expected to inscribe +the record of his hopes? However it may have been, he flicked his shoe +with a hazel switch and kept his own counsel. For twenty years he has been +the Sole Survivor of the group. + + * * * * * + +The scene changes. Six men are on horseback on a hill--a general and his +staff. Below, in the gray fog of a winter morning, an army, which has left +its intrenchments, is moving upon those of the enemy--creeping silently +into position. In an hour the whole wide valley for miles to left and +right will be all aroar with musketry stricken to seeming silence now and +again by thunder claps of big guns. In the meantime the risen sun has +burned a way through the fog, splendoring a part of the beleaguered city. + +"Look at that, General," says an aide; "it is like enchantment." + +"Go and enchant Colonel Post," said the general, without taking his +field-glass from his eyes, "and tell him to pitch in as soon as he hears +Smith's guns." + +All laughed. But to-day I laugh alone. I am the Sole Survivor. + + * * * * * + +It would be easy to fill many pages with instances of Sole Survival, from +my own experience. I could mention extinct groups composed wholly (myself +excepted) of the opposing sex, all of whom, with the same exception, have +long ceased their opposition, their warfare accomplished, their pretty +noses blue and chill under the daisies. They were good girls, too, mostly, +Heaven rest them! There were Maud and Lizzie and Nanette (ah, Nanette, +indeed; she is the deadest of the whole bright band) and Emeline and--but +really this is not discreet; one should not survive and tell. + +The flame of a camp-fire stands up tall and straight toward the black sky. +We feed it constantly with sage brush. A circling wall of darkness closes +us in; but turn your back to the fire and walk a little away and you shall +see the serrated summit-line of snow-capped mountains, ghastly cold in the +moonlight. They are in all directions; everywhere they efface the great +gold stars near the horizon, leaving the little green ones of the +mid-heaven trembling viciously, as bleak as steel. At irregular intervals +we hear the distant howling of a wolf--now on this side and again on that. +We check our talk to listen; we cast quick glances toward our weapons, our +saddles, our picketed horses: the wolves may be of the variety known as +Sioux, and there are but four of us. + +"What would you do, Jim," said Hazen, "if we were surrounded by Indians?" + +Jim Beckwourth was our guide--a life-long frontiersman, an old man "beated +and chopped with tanned antiquity." He had at one time been a chief of the +Crows. + +"I'd spit on that fire," said Jim Beckwourth. + +The old man has gone, I hope, where there is no fire to be quenched. And +Hazen, and the chap with whom I shared my blanket that winter night on the +plains--both gone. One might suppose that I would feel something of the +natural exultation of a Sole Survivor; but as Byron found that + + our thoughts take wildest flight + Even at the moment when they should array + Themselves in pensive order, + +so I find that they sometimes array themselves in pensive order, even at +the moment when they ought to be most hilarious. + + * * * * * + +Of reminiscences there is no end. I have a vast store of them laid up, +wherewith to wile away the tedious years of my anecdotage--whenever it +shall please Heaven to make me old. Some years that I passed in London as +a working journalist are particularly rich in them. Ah! "we were a gallant +company" in those days. + +I am told that the English are heavy thinkers and dull talkers. My +recollection is different; speaking from that, I should say they are no +end clever with their tongues. Certainly I have not elsewhere heard such +brilliant talk as among the artists and writers of London. Of course they +were a picked lot; some of them had attained to some eminence in the world +of intellect; others have achieved it since. But they were not all English +by many. London draws the best brains of Ireland and Scotland, and there +is always a small American contingent, mostly correspondents of the big +New York journals. + +The typical London journalist is a gentleman. He is usually a graduate of +one or the other of the great universities. He is well paid and holds his +position, whatever it may be, by a less precarious tenure than his +American congener. He rather moves than "dabbles" in literature, and not +uncommonly takes a hand at some of the many forms of art. On the whole, he +is a good fellow, too, with a skeptical mind, a cynical tongue, and a warm +heart. I found these men agreeable, hospitable, intelligent, amusing. We +worked too hard, dined too well, frequented too many clubs, and went to +bed too late in the forenoon. We were overmuch addicted to shedding the +blood of the grape. In short, we diligently, conscientiously, and with a +perverse satisfaction burned the candle of life at both ends and in the +middle. + +This was many a year ago. To-day a list of these men's names with a cross +against that of each one whom I know to be dead would look like a Roman +Catholic cemetery. I could dine all the survivors at the table on which I +write, and I should like to do so. But the dead ones, I must say, were the +best diners. + +But about Sole Surviving. There was a London publisher named John Camden +Hotten. Among American writers he had a pretty dark reputation as a +"pirate." They accused him of republishing their books without their +assent, which, in absence of international copyright, he had a legal, and +it seems to me (a "sufferer") a moral right to do. Through sympathy with +their foreign confreres British writers also held him in high disesteem. + +I knew Hotten very well, and one day I stood by what purported to be his +body, which afterward I assisted to bury in the cemetery at Highgate. I am +sure that it was his body, for I was uncommonly careful in the matter of +identification, for a very good reason, which you shall know. + +Aside from his "piracy," Hotten had a wide renown as "a hard man to deal +with." For several months before his death he had owed me one hundred +pounds sterling, and he could not possibly have been more reluctant to +part with anything but a larger sum. Even to this day in reviewing the +intelligent methods--ranging from delicate finesse to frank effrontery--by +which that good man kept me out of mine own I am prostrated with +admiration and consumed with envy. Finally by a lucky chance I got him at +a disadvantage and seeing my power he sent his manager--a fellow named +Chatto, who as a member of the firm of Chatto & Windus afterward succeeded +to his business and methods--to negotiate. I was the most implacable +creditor in the United Kingdom, and after two mortal hours of me in my +most acidulated mood Chatto pulled out a check for the full amount, ready +signed by Hotten in anticipation of defeat. Before handing it to me Chatto +said: "This check is dated next Saturday. Of course you will not present +it until then." + +To this I cheerfully consented. + +"And now," said Chatto, rising to go, "as everything is satisfactory I +hope you will go out to Hotten's house and have a friendly talk. It is his +wish." + +On Saturday morning I went. In pursuance, doubtless, of his design when he +antedated that check he had died of a pork pie promptly on the stroke of +twelve o'clock the night before--which invalidated the check! I have met +American publishers who thought they knew something about the business of +drinking champagne out of writers' skulls. If this narrative--which, upon +my soul, is every word true--teaches them humility by showing that genuine +commercial sagacity is not bounded by geographical lines it will have +served its purpose. + +Having assured myself that Mr. Hotten was really no more, I drove +furiously bank-ward, hoping that the sad tidings had not preceded me--and +they had not. + +Alas! on the route was a certain tap-room greatly frequented by authors, +artists, newspaper men and "gentlemen of wit and pleasure about town." + +Sitting about the customary table were a half-dozen or more choice +spirits--George Augustus Sala, Henry Sampson, Tom Hood the younger, +Captain Mayne Reid, and others less known to fame. I am sorry to say my +somber news affected these sinners in a way that was shocking. Their +levity was a thing to shudder at. As Sir Boyle Roche might have said, it +grated harshly upon an ear that had a dubious check in its pocket. Having +uttered their hilarious minds by word of mouth all they knew how, these +hardy and impenitent offenders set about writing "appropriate epitaphs." +Thank Heaven, all but one of these have escaped my memory, one that I +wrote myself. At the close of the rites, several hours later, I resumed my +movement against the bank. Too late--the old, old story of the hare and +the tortoise was told again. The "heavy news" had overtaken and passed me +as I loitered by the wayside. + +All attended the funeral--Sala, Sampson, Hood, Reid, and the +undistinguished others, including this present Sole Survivor of the group. +As each cast his handful of earth upon the coffin I am very sure that, +like Lord Brougham on a somewhat similar occasion, we all felt more than +we cared to express. On the death of a political antagonist whom he had +not treated with much consideration his lordship was asked, rather rudely, +"Have you no regrets now that he is gone?" + +After a moment of thoughtful silence he replied, with gravity, "Yes; I +favor his return." + + * * * * * + +One night in the summer of 1880 I was driving in a light wagon through the +wildest part of the Black Hills in South Dakota. I had left Deadwood and +was well on my way to Rockerville with thirty thousand dollars on my +person, belonging to a mining company of which I was the general manager. +Naturally, I had taken the precaution to telegraph my secretary at +Rockerville to meet me at Rapid City, then a small town, on another route; +the telegram was intended to mislead the "gentlemen of the road" whom I +knew to be watching my movements, and who might possibly have a +confederate in the telegraph office. Beside me on the seat of the wagon +sat Boone May. + +Permit me to explain the situation. Several months before, it had been the +custom to send a "treasure-coach" twice a week from Deadwood to Sidney, +Nebraska. Also, it had been the custom to have this coach captured and +plundered by "road agents." So intolerable had this practice become--even +iron-clad coaches loopholed for rifles proving a vain device--that the +mine owners had adopted the more practicable plan of importing from +California a half-dozen of the most famous "shotgun messengers" of Wells, +Fargo & Co.--fearless and trusty fellows with an instinct for killing, a +readiness of resource that was an intuition, and a sense of direction that +put a shot where it would do the most good more accurately than the most +careful aim. Their feats of marksmanship were so incredible that seeing +was scarcely believing. + +In a few weeks these chaps had put the road agents out of business and out +of life, for they attacked them wherever found. One sunny Sunday morning +two of them strolling down a street of Deadwood recognized five or six of +the rascals, ran back to their hotel for their rifles, and returning +killed them all! + +Boone May was one of these avengers. When I employed him, as a messenger, +he was under indictment for murder. He had trailed a "road agent" across, +the Bad Lands for hundreds of miles, brought him back to within a few +miles of Deadwood and picketed him out for the night. The desperate man, +tied as he was, had attempted to escape, and May found it expedient to +shoot and bury him. The grave by the roadside is perhaps still pointed out +to the curious. May gave himself up, was formally charged with murder, +released on his own recognizance, and I had to give him leave of absence +to go to court and be acquitted. Some of the New York directors of my +company having been good enough to signify their disapproval of my action +in employing "such a man," I could do no less than make some recognition +of their dissent, and thenceforth he was borne upon the pay-rolls as +"Boone May, Murderer." Now let me get back to my story. + +I knew the road fairly well, for I had previously traveled it by night, on +horseback, my pockets bulging with currency and my free hand holding a +cocked revolver the entire distance of fifty miles. To make the journey by +wagon with a companion was luxury. Still, the drizzle of rain was +uncomfortable. May sat hunched up beside me, a rubber poncho over his +shoulders and a Winchester rifle in its leathern case between his knees. I +thought him a trifle off his guard, but said nothing. The road, barely +visible, was rocky, the wagon rattled, and alongside ran a roaring stream. +Suddenly we heard through it all the clinking of a horse's shoes directly +behind, and simultaneously the short, sharp words of authority: "Throw up +your hands!" + +With an involuntary jerk at the reins I brought my team to its haunches +and reached for my revolver. Quite needless: with the quickest movement +that I had ever seen in anything but a cat--almost before the words were +out of the horseman's mouth--May had thrown himself backward across the +back of the seat, face upward, and the muzzle of his rifle was within a +yard of the fellow's breast! What further occurred among the three of us +there in the gloom of the forest has, I fancy, never been accurately +related. + +Boone May is long dead of yellow fever in Brazil, and I am the Sole +Survivor. + + * * * * * + +There was a famous _prima donna_ with whom it was my good fortune to cross +the Atlantic to New York. In truth I was charged by a friend of both with +the agreeable duty of caring for her safety and comfort. Madame was +gracious, clever, altogether charming, and before the voyage was two days +old a half-dozen of the men aboard, whom she had permitted me to present, +were heels over head in love with her, as I was myself. + +Our competition for her favor did not make us enemies; on the contrary we +were drawn together into something like an offensive and defensive +alliance by a common sorrow--the successful rivalry of a singularly +handsome Italian who sat next her at table. So assiduous was he in his +attentions that my office as the lady's guide, philosopher and friend was +nearly a sinecure, and as to the others, they had hardly one chance a day +to prove their devotion: that enterprising son of Italy dominated the +entire situation. By some diabolical prevision he anticipated Madame's +every need and wish--placed her reclining-chair in the most sheltered +spots on deck, smothered her in layer upon layer of wraps, and conducted +himself, generally, in the most inconsiderate way. Worse still, Madame +accepted his good offices with a shameless grace "which said as plain as +whisper in the ear" that there was a perfect understanding between them. +What made it harder to bear was the fellow's faulty civility to the rest +of us; he seemed hardly aware of our existence. + +Our indignation was not loud, but deep. Every day in the smoking-room we +contrived the most ingenious and monstrous, plans for his undoing in this +world and the next; the least cruel being a project to lure him to the +upper deck on a dark night and send him unshriven to his account by way of +the lee rail; but as none of us knew enough Italian to tell him the +needful falsehood that scheme of justice came to nothing, as did all the +others. At the wharf in New York we parted from Madame more in sorrow than +in anger, and from her conquering cavalier with polite manifestations of +the contempt we did not feel. + +That evening I called on her at her hotel, facing Union Square. Soon after +my arrival there was an audible commotion out in front: the populace, +headed by a brass band and incited, doubtless, by pure love of art, had +arrived to do honor to the great singer. There was music--a +serenade--followed by shoutings of the lady's name. She seemed a trifle +nervous, but I led her to the balcony, where she made a very pretty little +speech, piquant with her most charming accent. When the tumult and +shouting had died we re-entered her apartment to resume our conversation. +Would it please monsieur to have a glass, of wine? It would. She left the +room for a moment; then came the wine and glasses on a tray, borne by that +impossible Italian! He had a napkin across his arm--he was a servant. + +Barring some of the band and the populace, I am doubtless the Sole +Survivor, for Madame has for a number of years had a permanent engagement +Above, and my faith in Divine Justice does not permit me to think that the +servile wretch who cast down the mighty from their seat among the Sons of +Hope was suffered to live out the other half of his days. + + * * * * * + +A dinner of seven in an old London tavern--a good dinner, the memory +whereof is not yet effaced from the tablets of the palate. A soup, a plate +of white-bait be-lemoned and red-peppered with exactness, a huge joint of +roast beef, from which we sliced at will, flanked by various bottles of +old dry Sherry and crusty Port--such Port! (And we are expected to be +patriots in a country where it cannot be procured! And the Portuguese are +expected to love the country which, having it, sends it away!) That was +the dinner--there was Stilton cheese; it were shameful not to mention the +Stilton. Good, wholesome, and toothsome it was, rich and nutty. The +Stilton that we get here, clouted in tin-foil, is monstrous poor stuff, +hardly better than our American sort. After dinner there were walnuts and +coffee and cigars. I cannot say much for the cigars; they are not +over-good in England: too long at sea, I suppose. + +On the whole, it was a memorable dinner. Even its non-essential features +were satisfactory. The waiter was fascinatingly solemn, the floor snowily +sanded, the company sufficiently distinguished in literature and art for +me to keep track of them through the newspapers. They are dead--as dead as +Queen Anne, every mother's son of them! I am in my favorite role of Sole +Survivor. It has become habitual to me; I rather like it. + +Of the company were two eminent gastronomes--call them Messrs. Guttle and +Swig--who so acridly hated each other that nothing but a good dinner could +bring them under the same roof. (They had had a quarrel, I think, about +the merit of a certain Amontillado--which, by the way, one insisted, +despite Edgar Allan Poe, who certainly knew too much of whiskey to know +much of wine, _is_ a Sherry.) After the cloth had been removed and the +coffee, walnuts and cigars brought in, the company stood, and to an air +extemporaneously composed by Guttle, sang the following shocking and +reprehensible song, which had been written during the proceedings by this +present Sole Survivor. It will serve as fitly to conclude this feast of +unreason as it did that: + +THE SONG + + Jack Satan's the greatest of gods, + And Hell is the best of abodes. + 'Tis reached through the Valley of Clods + By seventy beautiful roads. + Hurrah for the Seventy Roads! + Hurrah for the clods that resound + With a hollow, thundering sound! + Hurrah for the Best of Abodes! + + We'll serve him as long as we've breath-- + Jack Satan, the greatest of gods. + To all of his enemies, death!-- + A home in the Valley of Clods. + Hurrah for the thunder of clods + That smother the souls of his foes! + Hurrah for the spirit that goes + To dwell with the Greatest of Gods! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce +by Ambrose Bierce + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS OF BIERCE *** + +***** This file should be named 13541.txt or 13541.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/5/4/13541/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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