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diff --git a/old/13466-h.zip b/old/13466-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df1599d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13466-h.zip diff --git a/old/13466-h/13466-h.htm b/old/13466-h/13466-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7b6155 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13466-h/13466-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2374 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, August 1, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +August 1, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, August 1, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 15, 2004 [EBook #13466] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 1, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <h2>THE PRINCE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Letter from Nicola Puncio Machiavelli to the Most + Illustrious Vittorio Emanuele, Son of Umberto, King of + Italy.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>I.</h4> + + <p>There never was, nor is at this day, any man in the world + who is not either a Prince or not a Prince. Seeing, therefore, + that your Highness appertains of right to the class of them + that are Princes, and being ambitious to present to your + Highness that which should have the chiefest value in your + eyes, I could not (though pondering much) deem anything more + precious than the knowledge of men and of governments which I + have learned through a space of half a hundred years. Forasmuch + as your Highness hath travelled over stormy seas to the island + of the British folk, I do presume to present to your Highness, + as being one that seeketh wisdom, the ripe fruit of my + knowledge, in order that your Highness may suck thereout such + advantage as those who love your land chiefly desire both for + yourself and for them to whose government you shall in the + future be called.</p> + + <h4>II.—<i>How a Prince is to gain Reputation.</i></h4> + + <p>To begin, then, I say it would be advantageous to be + accounted both liberal and of a like nature unto other men that + are not Princes. For although the majority of mankind be + penurious and apt to hoard their money, and although in their + assembly the British make a show of niggardliness, imputing it + to themselves for a virtue, nevertheless, if they discern in a + Prince such inclinations as they praise in themselves, no + nation was ever quicker to blame or decry. For each holds in + private that while he himself is generous, the rest are mean + and covetous. Therefore, I counsel you let your conduct in the + bestowal both of snuff-boxes, which no man at this day uses, + and of scarf-pins, which are a delight to many, be so ordered + that men may think of you as one that with a true generosity + performs such acts as each of them, were he a Prince, would + perform as well.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49.png" + alt="Nicola Puncio Machiavelli and Prince Vittorio Emanuele." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>Likewise if there be those who wish to read unto you + addresses of loyal welcome, it is not well to flout them + publicly by showing signs of sleep; since it is the fashion of + municipalities and Mayors to hold themselves to be of high + importance, and a wise flattery of this self-deception well + becomes you. And in replying, let your speech be both short and + homely. The present German Emperor came lately among this + people, and, having spoken aloud of the kindness of his + Grandmamma, at once the hearts of all of them that are or hope + to be grandmammas, or have themselves possessed a grandmamma, + were moved to him so that he was accounted one of themselves + from that time forth.</p> + + <p>Again, how honourable it is for a Prince to be outspoken, + candid, and truthful, I suppose everybody understands. + Nevertheless, experience has shown in our times that those + Princes who have not pinned themselves up to that excess of + truth-speaking, have not alone secured the love of their + subjects, but have been held up as patterns of a royal wisdom + and virtue. For in the assemblages of the great that shall be + gathered in your honour, and in the banquets and receptions + wherewith it is customary to overwhelm a Prince, there must + often be those surrounding him, and holding converse with him, + whose absence would cause him joy rather than sorrow, on + account of their exceeding pompous dulness. Yet it is well at + such times for a Prince to conceal his feelings, and, though he + be flattened with tedious ceremony, to keep both a cheerful + countenance and a pleasant tongue, as of one to whom life + offers a succession of the proudest and happiest moments. There + is a Prince at this time in being (but his name I shall + conceal), who can often have nothing in his mind but sorrow and + depression, so many are his labours and so great is the number + of the foundation-stones he lays; and yet, had he revealed + either the one or the other by speech or gesture, they had + robbed him before this of his power and reputation.</p> + + <h4>III.—<i>Of the Wearing of Uniforms.</i></h4> + + <p>A Prince should have many uniforms, and wear them with much + show and glitter. For it is expected of Princes that before + they be weaned they should be Colonels, and should rank as + Field-Marshals at a time when other lads still trail themselves + to school. It is not indeed related of CÆSAR that he drilled a + regiment at the age of six, nor of HANNIBAL that being yet a + boy he did aught but take an oath. Yet now the custom of the + world is otherwise, and a Prince who should never shine in the + array of a soldier might justly be held odious and + contemptible. That very German Emperor of whom I have spoken, + won the applause of the multitude by cuirass and helmet, and + having donned a British Admiral's uniform, was held of great + account amongst a people apt for the rule of the sea. This + honour in truth falls not to all; but others, and yourself + among the number, may be made Post Captains, and wear a naval + dress both with comfort and approbation.</p> + + <h4>IV.—<i>Of Italy.</i></h4> + + <p>Here in the land to which you have come you shall find all + men lovers of Italy. For there is not one of those that watched + her long and grievous struggles, that did not welcome with a + heartfelt joy her deliverance, both from foreign yoke and from + native tyrants. Here too they know that the example of your + illustrious family, the wisdom and moderation of your father + not less than the unquenchable valour and bodily strength of + your grandfather, his contempt of danger, his devotion to duty, + shone forth as a star before the eyes of all Italians, even in + their darkest hours. Who is there that hath not the liveliest + hope that all prosperity may be confirmed to that beloved + country, that she may advance from greatness to greatness, that + her kings may be just, her people free and contented. Let your + illustrious family, then, still address itself to the work with + courage and confidence, that under them Italy may stand forth + an example to the nations of the world.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—QUOTATION WANTED.—Can anybody + inform me where this exquisite line occurs—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Heredity, thou mother of our race!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>I fancy it must be by Lord TENNYSON, but I cannot find it + either in <i>In Memoriam</i> or the <i>Idylls of the King</i>. + The line has been much admired by competent critics. A + beautiful little volume of verse, recently published, is <i>The + Fall of Cetewayo</i>. Possibly the line may be in that + book.—P.S.—Is not £76 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> too + high a price to charge for bringing out an Epic Poem of 8000 + lines, even if, as is asserted, there have been "no + sales"?—LAUREATE PRESUMPTIVE.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEREDITHOMANIA.—Miss HANNAH LYNCH (Author of <i>George + Meredith—a Study</i>) is almost incoherently angry with + "the inexcusable and comical consistency of stupidity" + manifested by all those who are not, in the fullest sense, + "Meredith-men"—or women. She is, however, so dogmatic and + disdainful, that one suspects her of a tendency to substitute + for the judicial verdict of the critical judgment-seat, the + arbitrary and excessive punishment of "Lynch-law!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WISBECH WINE.—Liberal Supply. The BRAND of 1891 + acknowledged to be quite beyond competition.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"OFF TO MASHERLAND.".—Nothing from "GRANDOLPH the + Explorer" this week. He's gone to the Diggings.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <h2>RIDING THE PIG.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. HEALY said he did not deny that after five + years of liberal education the present Chief Secretary + had greatly improved.... In reply to Mr. BALFOUR's + inquiry, whether he could count upon Mr. HEALY's + support in a Local Government Bill for Ireland, Mr. + HEALY replied, "Certainly!"]</p> + </blockquote><a href="images/50.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/50.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! Spur, whip, and bridle are all very + well,</p> + + <p class="i2">For a rider's equipment includes some + "Coercion,"</p> + + <p>But Jehu may need an additional spell,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whether riding a race or for simple + diversion.</p> + + <p>There are reasons for giving a racer his + head,</p> + + <p>And some flocks are driven and others are + led.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Improved? Whillaloo! Fancy HEALY the hot</p> + + <p class="i2">Politely approving of "BALFOUR the + Brutal"!</p> + + <p>How pleasant to picture the Pig at full + trot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without that "hard riding" some fancy + must suit all!</p> + + <p>Too good to be true? That time only can + show.</p> + + <p>'Tis something that Piggy should <i>promise</i> + to "go."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your Pig is a "gintleman,"—take him + aright;</p> + + <p class="i2">Or so those maintain who best know + the 'cute creature.</p> + + <p>If you make him "eat stick" in excess he'll show + fight.</p> + + <p class="i2">The goad and the snout-ring we've + tried. This new feature—</p> + + <p>A lure in advance—may be worth being + tried.</p> + + <p>That Piggy <i>can</i> go—and this rider + <i>can</i> ride!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ENTHUSIASM À LA RUSSE!</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Bureau de Police at St. Petersburg. + Present</i>, Russian Bigwig <i>and</i> Subordinate.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Russian Bigwig</i> (<i>reading letter</i>). "And they are + to be received with the greatest possible enthusiasm!" I can + scarcely believe my eyes! The Fleet of the French Republic!</p> + + <p><i>Subordinate</i> (<i>using a Muscovite imprecation</i>). + <i>Caviare droski!</i></p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Slave! (Sub. + <i>cringes</i>.) Another word, and I will have you knouted to + death! It is the wish of our Little Father, the Czar of the + Universe.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They both fall on their knees, remove their hats, + and sing the National Hymn.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>bowing to the ground</i>). And what are the + Imperial wishes?</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> That not only shall the + "<i>Marseillaise</i>" be tolerated when played by the French, + but also be performed by our own bands. (<i>With a burst of + rage.</i>) Oh, <i>Caviare droski!</i></p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>on his knees</i>). I would also add an oath, + O Supreme Protector-of-the-Spirit-of-my-dead-Grandmother, had + you not forbidden that extreme expression of opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> You recall me to myself. O + Son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-TOMMY. I was + wrong. But it makes my blood boil to think that our Master and + his ancestors who scorned LOUIS PHILIPPE and NAPOLEON III. + should recognise a Republic!</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Say you so—this to the + CZAR—thou Nihilist! (<i>Aloud.</i>) My + Lord-the-comforter-of-the-spirit-of-my-first-cousin-once-removed-on-my-mother's-side, + is indeed right! It is a painful sight!</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> (<i>aside</i>). Say you so—this to + the CZAR—thou Nihilist! (<i>Aloud.</i>) But perhaps we + might improve matters. Supposing that the "<i>Marseillaise</i>" + were imperfectly performed?</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>with note-book</i>). Excellent, my Lord! + excellent! It shall be played out of tune on a score of + regimental bands! Good, my Lord! good!</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> And could not a translation be furnished + suggesting ideas foreign to the original?</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> Again capital, my Lord. I will see that the + troops have a version that gives the old legend (stolen from us + by the English) of "The Song of Sixpence, or a pocketful of + Rye-bread," as the real translation.</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> A happy thought! The moral is wholesome. + The Monarchical principle is advocated in the approved counting + out of money and consumption of bread and honey by their + Majesties, and the right of life and death is suggested by the + pecking off of the nose of the housemaid while employed in + hanging out the clothes! And about the troops—have they + been warned that they might some day be expected to give a + hated alien an enthusiastic reception?</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> They have, my Lord. And in anticipation of such + an occasion, they have been taught for the last six months how + to cheer in a whisper.</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> Good! And now to a pleasanter duty. Have + you those hundred <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> thousand copies of + <i>Punch</i> that were yesterday seized at the frontier?</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> I have, my Lord!</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> (<i>with fiendish glee</i>). To Siberia + with them! Come, help me to post them!</p> + + <p><i>Sub.</i> (<i>trembling</i>). But, my Lord, should + <i>Punch</i> be read by the political prisoners who lie covered + with chains in the secret mines under the lowest mountain in + the Czar's dominions? What then?</p> + + <p><i>Rus. Big.</i> (<i>in an awesome whisper</i>). Mark me + well! In the present pitiable state of the prisoners, such a + feast of mirth-compelling waggery would kill them—yes, + <i>kill</i> them—with laughter!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt stealthily to put this craftily-conceived + plot into guilty execution</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A NEW LEADER.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["At present the followers are obliged to be amiable + because the Leader is amiable. Under the Leader I suggest + they would be less amiable, and would be at liberty to say + stronger things."—Mr. ATKINSON, M.P., <i>in the House + of Commons</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Chorus of Amiable Tories.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hear! hear! Mr. A. We are amiable too,</p> + + <p>For we follow our amiable Leader, like you;</p> + + <p>But when forced to say, "Bless you!" we choke with + our spleen,</p> + + <p>And we add, <i>sotto voce</i>, "You know what I + mean."</p> + + <p>While we sit spick and span as a picture by + FRITH,</p> + + <p>And contend with our feelings, to please Mr. + SMITH.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, we pule and we prate, we are nerveless and + weak,</p> + + <p>And we swallow, like <i>Pistol</i>, the odorous + leek.</p> + + <p>We palter with truth, and we flatter our foes,</p> + + <p>And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the + nose.</p> + + <p>We are fools soft of speech, and without any + pith,</p> + + <p>For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Time was when a Member who hated the Celt</p> + + <p>Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt.</p> + + <p>He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in + length,</p> + + <p>Make up for their shortness by meaning and + strength.</p> + + <p>But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith,</p> + + <p>While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and + then,</p> + + <p>With a Man at our head we shall quit us like + men:</p> + + <p>We shall always retort with a sting when we're + stung,</p> + + <p>With the bees in our bonnet, the D's on our + tongue.</p> + + <p>And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a + myth,</p> + + <p>When an ATKINSON stands in the shoes of a SMITH.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="GENUS IRRITABILE." /></a> + + <h3>GENUS IRRITABILE.</h3> + + <p><i>First Bard.</i> "SEEN MY SONNETS IN THE <i>PACIFIC + WEEKLY</i>?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Bard.</i> "YES."</p> + + <p><i>First Bard.</i> "LIKE THEM?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Bard.</i> + "WELL,—A—<i>CANDIDLY</i>—I—"</p> + + <p><i>First Bard.</i> "OH, IF IT COMES TO THAT, + <i>CANDIDLY</i> I ALWAYS HATED YOUR BEASTLY BALLADES AND + RONDELS AND ROT IN THE <i>ERECHTHEUM</i>—BUT I HAD + THE DECENCY NOT TO <i>TELL</i> YOU SO!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION.</h2> + + <h3>THE OPTIMIST.</h3> + + <p>The British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared.</p> + + <p>It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second + line of defence—the Army.</p> + + <p>The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were + met with such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery, + that they had to abandon the attempt in despair—at least + for awhile. They retired for the night, and on the following + morning were in front of Westgate-on-Sea. It was then found how + wise the Committee of Home Defence had been in their + recommendation. Feeling sure that the forces of the Crown would + be ample to beat back any hostile attempt to seize a town the + centre of one of the best of charities (St. Michael's + Convalescent Home), the Committee had deprecated the suggestion + of erecting extensive fortifications. Practically Westgate was + without walls. But there was a better defence than brickwork. + The Authorities had not been idle during the night, having + utilised the Pause in the war to bring up two magnificent + battalions of Militia—the 7th Rifle Brigade and the 4th + Cheshire Regiment. Thus when the enemy succeeded in effecting a + landing, they found themselves confronted by the very flower of + the British Army. In ten minutes the hostile host were crumpled + up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat.</p> + + <p>During the following week the entire army of the foe was + allowed to land in England, and were speedily exterminated. The + contract given out by Government to an advertising undertaker + was the means of making that contractor's fortune. Within ten + days England was absolutely free from invasion.</p> + + <p>"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the + greatest tactician of the century.</p> + + <p>"Surprised!" echoed the other. "Why it was what we all + expected from the first!"</p> + + <h3>THE PESSIMIST.</h3> + + <p>The British Fleet, by a carefully calculated plan, had + disappeared. It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its + second line of defence—the Army.</p> + + <p>The enemy, although somewhat depressed at the losses they + had sustained, attempted to land, and of course were + successful. The picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of + the Royal Horse Artillery, opened fire, but without the + smallest effect. On the following morning the main force of the + enemy appeared in front of Margate, the recently fortified + port. It was then found how foolish the Committee of Home + Defence had been in their recommendation. Feeling doubtful of + the means the Government would have at their command to defend + an unprotected town, they had ordered every village on the + coast to be surrounded by the most intricate network of bricks + and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these elaborate + preparations were valueless. The troops of the enemy poured + into Margate almost without opposition. The forts were silenced + in five minutes, and although on the following morning the + Household Brigade came to the rescue, the assistance thus + afforded was of no avail.</p> + + <p>During the succeeding week the entire army of the foe was + allowed to land in England, and were immediately victorious. + The contract for finding them lodgings in London made + somebody's fortune. Within a week England was grovelling in the + dust at the feet of her conquerors.</p> + + <p>"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the + greatest tactician of the century.</p> + + <p>"Surprised!" he echoed—"why it was what we all + expected from the first!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW RIDDLE (WITH THE OLD ANSWER).—Where was ISAACS + when the Balance-Sheet went out?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. II.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Courtyard of the "Grand Hôtel du Lion + Belgique et d'Albion," at Brussels. It is just after Table + d'hôte;</i> PODBURY <i>and</i> CULCHARD <i>are sitting on a + covered terrace, with coffee.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>producing a pipe</i>). Not such a bad + dinner! Expect they'll rook us a lot for it, though. Rather + fun, seeing the waiters all troop in with a fresh course, when + the proprietor rang his bell. Like a ballet at the + Empire—eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>selecting a cigarette</i>). I'm not in a + position to say. I don't affect those places of entertainment + myself.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh! Where <i>do</i> you turn in when you want + to kick up your heels a bit? Madame Tussaud's? I say, why on + earth didn't you talk to that old bloke next to you at dinner? + He was trying all he knew to be friendly.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Was he? I daresay. But I rather understood we + came out with the idea of keeping out of all that.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Of course. <i>I'm</i> not keen about getting to + know people. He had no end of a pretty daughter, though. Mean + to say you didn't spot her?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52.png" + alt="'Wanted to know if you were my Tutor!'" /> + </a>"Wanted to know if you were my Tutor!" + </div> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If by "spotting" you mean—was I aware of + the existence of a very exuberant young person, with a most + distressing American accent? I can only say; that she made her + presence sufficiently evident. I confess she did not interest + me to the point of speculating upon her relationship to anybody + else.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Well—if you come to that, I don't know + that I—still, she was uncommonly—(<i>Happens to + glance round, and lowers his voice.</i>) Jove! she's in the + Reading-room, just behind us. (<i>Hums, with elaborate + carelessness.</i>) La di + deedle-lumpty—loodle-oodle-loo—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who detests humming</i>). By the way, I + wish you hadn't been in such a hurry to come straight on. I + particularly wanted to stop at Bruges, and see the + Memlings.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I do like that! For a fellow who wants to keep + out of people's way! They'd have wanted you to stay to lunch + and dinner, most likely.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>raising his eyebrows</i>). Hardly, my dear + fellow—they're pictures, as it happens.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>unabashed</i>). Oh, are they? Any way, + you've fetched up your average here. Weren't there enough in + the Museum for you?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>pityingly</i>). You surely wouldn't call + the collection here exactly representative of the best period + of Flemish Art?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> If you ask me, I should call it a simply + footling show—but you were long enough over it. (CULCHARD + <i>shudders slightly, and presently pats his pockets</i>.) + What's up now? Nothing gone wrong with the works, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). No—I was merely + feeling for my note-book. I had a sudden idea for a sonnet, + that's all.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Ah, you shouldn't have touched those mussels + they gave us with the sole. Have a nip of this cognac, and + you'll soon be all right.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>scribbles in lofty abstraction</i>; PODBURY + <i>hums</i>; Mr. CYRUS K. TROTTER, <i>and his daughter</i>, + MAUD S. TROTTER, <i>come out by the glass door of the Salon + de Lecture, and seat themselves at an adjoining + table</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss Trotter</i>. Well, I guess it's gayer out here, + anyway. That Reading Saloon is just about as lively as a + burying lot with all the tombs unlet. I want the address of + that man who said that Brussels was a second Parrus.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Trotter</i>. Maybe we ain't been long enough off the + cars to jedge yet. Do you feel like putting on your hat and + sack, and sorter smellin' round this capital?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Not any. I expect the old city will have to + curb its impatience to see me till to-morrow. I'm tired + some.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Confound it, how can + I—! (<i>Looks up, and observes</i> Miss T. <i>with a + sudden attention</i>). That fellow PODBURY has better taste + than I gave him credit for. She <i>is</i> pretty—in her + peculiar style—<i>quite</i> pretty! Pity she speaks with + that deplorable accent.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Writes—"Vermilion lips that sheathe a parrot + tongue," and runs over all the possible rhymes to + "tongue."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>observing that his pencil is idle</i>). Gas + cut off again? Come for a toddle. You don't mean to stick here + all the evening, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Well, we might take a turn later on, and see + the effect of St. Gudule in the moonlight.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Something <i>like</i> a rollick that! But what + do you say to dropping in quietly at the Eden for an hour or + so, eh? Variety show and all that going on.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Thanks—variety shows are not much in my + line; but don't mind me if you want to go.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[PODBURY <i>wanders off, leaving</i> CULCHARD <i>free to + observe</i> Miss TROTTER.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> CHARLEY writes he's having a lovely time in + Germany going round. I guess he isn't feeling so cheap as he + did. I wish he'd come along right here.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> I presume he's put in all the time he had for + Belgium—likely we'll fetch up against him somewhere + before he's through.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Well, and I don't care how soon we do, + either. CHARLEY's a bright man, and real cultivated. I'm always + telling him that he's purrfectly splendid company, considering + he's only a cousin.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> That's so every time. I like CHARLEY VAN + BOODELER first-rate myself.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). If CHARLEY VAN BOODELER + was <i>engaged</i> to her, I suppose he'd be here. Pshaw! What + <i>does</i> it matter? Somehow, I rather wish now that + I'd—but perhaps we shall get into conversation presently. + Hang it, here's that fellow PODBURY back again! Wish to + goodness he'd— (<i>To</i> PODBURY.) Hallo, so you haven't + started yet?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Been having a talk with the porter. He says + there's a big fair over by the Station du Midi, and it's worth + seeing. Are you game to come along and sample it, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with an easy indifference intended for</i> + Miss T.'s <i>benefit</i>). No, I think not, thanks. I'm very + comfortable where I am.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He resumes his writing.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Well, it's poor fun having to go alone!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He is just going, when</i> Mr. TROTTER <i>rises and + comes towards him.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> You'll excuse me, Sir, but did I overhear you + remark that there was a festivity in progress in this city?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> So I'm told; a fair, down in the new part. I + could tell you how to get to it, if you thought of going.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well, I don't see how I should ever strike + that fair for myself, and I guess if there's anything to be + seen we're bound to <i>see</i> it, so me and my + darter—allow me to introduce my darter to you—MAUD, + this gentleman is Mr.—I don't think I've caught your + name, Sir—PODBURY?—Mr. PODBURY who's kindly + volunteered to conduct us round.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> <i>I</i> should have thought you'd want to + leave the gentleman some say in the matter, Father—not to + mention me!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). But won't you come? Do. I + shall be awfully glad if you will!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> If it makes you so glad as all that, I + believe I'll come. Though what you could say different, after + Father had put it up so steep on you, <i>I</i> don't know. I'll + just go and fix myself first.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She goes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>to</i> PODBURY). My only darter, Sir, and + a real good girl. We come over from the States, crossed a month + ago to-day, and seen a heap already. Been runnin' all over + Scotland and England, and kind of looked round Ireland and + Wales, and now what <i>we've</i> got to do is to see as much as + we can of Germany and Switzerland and It'ly, and get some idea + of France before we start home this fall. I guess we're both of + us gettin' pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was + sayin' to me on'y this evening at <i>table d'hôte</i>, + "Father," she sez, "the vurry first thing we'll do when we get + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> home is to go and hev a good + square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat + cakes and maple syrup." Don't seem as if we <i>could</i> git + along without maple syrup <i>much</i> longer. (Miss TROTTER + <i>returns.</i>) You never mean going out without your + gums?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I guess it's not damp + here—any—(<i>To</i> PODBURY.) Now you're going to + be <i>Mary</i>, and Father and I have got to be the little + lambs and follow you around.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go out, leaving</i> CULCHARD <i>annoyed with + himself and everybody else, and utterly unable to settle + down, to his sonnet again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>IN AN UPPER CORRIDOR, TWO HOURS LATER.</h4> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>coming upon Podbury</i>). So you've got + rid of your Americans at last, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> <i>I</i> was in no hurry, I can tell you. She's + a ripping little girl—tremendous fun. What do you think + she asked me about <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>stiff, but flattered</i>). I wasn't aware + she had honoured me by her notice. What <i>was</i> it?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and + wanted to know if you were my tutor. My tutor! [<i>He + roars.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I hope you—ah—undeceived her?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Rather! Told her it was t'other way round, and + I was looking after <i>you</i>. Said you were suffering from + melancholia, but were not absolutely dangerous.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> If that's your idea of a joke, all I can say + is—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He chokes with rage.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>innocently</i>). Why, my dear chap, I + thought you wanted 'em kept out of your way!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>slams his bedroom door with temper, + leaving</i> PODBURY <i>outside, still chuckling.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WRONG OF SEARCH.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Dream of the British Inquisition.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The unfortunate foreigner, travel-stained and suffering from + the after-glow of a stormy passage, crawled up the gangway and + was once more on land. He carried in his hand a + portmanteau.</p> + + <p>"Have you anything to declare?" asked an official, in a + gold-peaked cap and blue frock coat, gruffly.</p> + + <p>"Only that your seas are terrible," was the reply.</p> + + <p>The official made no answer, but merely pointed to some + planks that had been placed upon trestles. The foreigner + glanced at the people who were standing in front of these + planks, and noticed that they were pale with apprehension.</p> + + <p>"Have you anything to declare?" was a second time + uttered—now by a person less gold-laced. Then the + official continued, "Here, open it!"</p> + + <p>In a moment the portmanteau was thrown with force on the + planks, and the foreigner protested.</p> + + <p>"I understand you now. I have no cigars—I do not + smoke. I have no spirits—I am what you call a + teatotaller. I have no lace—I am a widower."</p> + + <p>"Open it!" was once more the cry—this time with great + vehemence.</p> + + <p>"But I am innocent of concealing anything! Believe me, there + is nothing to declare! I have some photographic plates—to + open them is ruin! I prize my shirts—they are + heirlooms—if they are roughly handled I can never wear + them again." And the foreigner wrung his hands in his + despair.</p> + + <p>"If you will not open it," replied the official, unmoved by + his eloquent appeal, "we shall detain your luggage."</p> + + <p>"But this is barbarous—cruel," continued the + foreigner, answering with excitement. "I have been to + Constantinople with its mosques, and the Turks have treated me + with greater consideration. I have seen the glories of Rome + with its Forum, the splendours of Petersburg with its fortress + prison, the treasures of Madrid with its art gallery—and + everywhere—everywhere I have been treated with greater + kindness, greater charity than here! And yet you say this is + the land of the brave and the free!"</p> + + <p>"We say nothing of the sort," retorted the official; "we + say, open it!"</p> + + <p>The foreigner, whose pallor was fearful to see, with his + teeth clenched and his eyes starting from his head, put the key + into the portmanteau lock, turned it, and the contents of the + box was revealed to view.</p> + + <p>In a moment the officials were upon it—thrusting their + inquisitive hands here, there, and everywhere. There was a + salad of boots, waistcoats, collars and brushes. At length they + came to the photographic plates—they were removed in a + trice from their receptacle, and held up to the light.</p> + + <p>"Have you no hearts!" cried the foreigner, his face + streaming with tears. "In a moment you have undone the labour + of years! That plate—now destroyed for ever—when + properly developed would have revealed the smiling features of + my wife's mother! It took me a quarter of a century to catch + her with such an expression! For when she saw me she always + frowned. But ah, my shirts, my heirlooms! In the name of mercy, + spare my shirts!"</p> + + <p>But no, once more the appeal was disregarded. The small + portmanteau was turned inside out. This the official + chalked.</p> + + <p>"So this is one of the habits of the English," cried the + foreigner, bitterly.</p> + + <p>"Not only the habits, Monsieur," observed a bystander, who + trembling with apprehension, was waiting his turn; "but the + customs. Customs that are out of date with the age. Customs + that are contrary to the spirit of the century. Customs that + cost more than they yield, and deserve to be cussed!"</p> + + <p>"They do," cried the foreigner, excitedly. "May the Customs + be—"</p> + + <p>"You must not utter that word," interrupted the Revenue + Officer, in a tone of peremptory command.</p> + + <p>"It is British; why not?"</p> + + <p>But although the foreigner was baffled in his desire to use + the appropriate imprecation—he thought it!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MOTH-EATEN.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53.png" + alt="Moth-eaten." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is a stifling night; I sit</p> + + <p class="i2">With windows open wide;</p> + + <p>And the fragrance of the rose is blown</p> + + <p class="i2">And also the musk outside,</p> + + <p>There's plenty of room for the moths out there</p> + + <p class="i2">In the cool and pleasant gloom;</p> + + <p>And yet these mad insectual beasts</p> + + <p class="i2">Will swarm into my room.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've thrown so many things at him,</p> + + <p class="i2">And thrown them all so hard;</p> + + <p>There goes the sofa-cushion; that</p> + + <p class="i2">Missed him by half a yard.</p> + + <p>My hot tears rain; my young heart breaks</p> + + <p class="i2">To see him dodging thus;</p> + + <p>It is not right for him to be</p> + + <p class="i2">So coy—so devious.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As I sit by my duplex lamp,</p> + + <p class="i2">And write, and write, and write;</p> + + <p>They come and drown in the blue-black ink,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or fry themselves in the light.</p> + + <p>They pop, and drop, and flop, and hop,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like catherine-wheels at play;</p> + + <p>And die in pain down the back of my neck</p> + + <p class="i2">In a most repulsive way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's a brown moth on the ceiling. He</p> + + <p class="i2">Makes slow and bumpy rounds;</p> + + <p>Then stops and sucks the whitewash off—</p> + + <p class="i2">He must have eaten pounds.</p> + + <p>He's only waiting for his chance</p> + + <p class="i2">To take me unaware,</p> + + <p>And then the brute will drop, and make</p> + + <p class="i2">His death-bed in my hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why do they do it? Why—ah! why?</p> + + <p class="i2">The dews of night are damp,</p> + + <p>But the place to dry one's self is not</p> + + <p class="i2">The chimney of a lamp.</p> + + <p>And sultriness engenders thirst,</p> + + <p class="i2">But the best, the blue-black ink,</p> + + <p>Cannot be satisfactory</p> + + <p class="i2">Regarded as a drink.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They are so very many, and</p> + + <p class="i2">I am so very few—</p> + + <p>They are so hard to hit, and so</p> + + <p class="i2">Elusive to pursue—</p> + + <p>That in the garden I will wait</p> + + <p class="i2">Until the dawning light,</p> + + <p>Until the moths all go by day</p> + + <p class="i2">Where I wish they'd go by night.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/54.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/54.png" + alt="SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN—IF POSSIBLE!" /> + </a> + + <h3>SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN—IF POSSIBLE!</h3> + + <p><i>Sympathetic Lady Guest</i>. "DON'T BE UNHAPPY ABOUT + THE RAIN, DEAR MRS. BOUNDERSON—IT WILL SOON BE OVER, + AND YOUR GARDEN WILL BE LOVELIER THAN EVER!"</p> + + <p><i>Little Mrs. Goldmore Bounderson</i> (<i>who is giving + her first Garden Party</i>). "YES; BUT I'M AFRAID IT WILL + KEEP MY MOST DESIRABLE GUESTS FROM COMING!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ON THE BRIDGE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Much Modernised Version of "The Vision of + Mirzah."</i>)</h4> + + <p>On the second day of the week, commonly called Saint Monday + (which according to the Customs of my Forefathers, I always + keep as Holiday), after having washed myself, and offered up my + Morning Devotions at the shrine of Nicotine, I turned over the + pages of <i>Bradshaw</i>, with a view to passing the rest of + the day in some more or less Rural Retirement.</p> + + <p>As I was here confusing myself with the multitudinous + Complexities of this recondite Tome, I fell into a profound + Contemplation of the Vanity of human Holiday-making; and, + passing from one puzzling page to another, Surely, said I, Man + is but a Muddler and Life a Maze!</p> + + <p>"Right you are!" sounded a mysterious voice in my ear.</p> + + <p>The Sound of the voice was exceeding Sweet, and wrought into + a variety of inflections. It put me in mind of those heavenly + Airs that are played from the tops of closely-packed wheeled + Vehicles, from many-keyed Concertinas upon Bank-Holidays. My + Heart melted away in Secret Raptures. By which signs + I—who had read my <i>Spectator</i> at the Free + Library—knew well that I was in the company of a Genius! + It is only Genii who drop upon one suddenly and unannounced, + with a more or less pertinent commentary upon one's Inner + Thoughts, in this fashion. I felt at once that I was in for the + true Addisonian Oriental Apologue in all its hybrid + incongruity.</p> + + <p>I drew near with that Reverence which is due to a + Superior—if nondescript Nature; and as my Heart was + entirely subdued by the captivating Voice I had heard, I fell + down at his Feet and wept. I could hardly have explained why, + but 'tis the sort of thing one always does in an Eastern + Apologue. The Genius smiled upon me with a Look of Compassion + and Affability that familiarised him to my Imagination, at once + dispelled all the Fears and Apprehensions with which I + approached him, and turned off my Tearfulness "at the main," as + <i>Samuel Weller</i> said, concerning the Mulberry One. He + lifted me from the ground, and, taking me by the hand, + "MIRZAH," said he, "I have heard thee in thy Soliloquies; + follow me!"</p> + + <p>Now, my name is <i>not</i> MIRZAH, but MATTHEW. Yet, after + all, it did not much matter, and I felt it would be in + questionable taste to correct a Genius.</p> + + <p>He then led me to the highest Pinnacle of a Rock, and, + placing me on the Top of it, "Cast thy Eyes yonder," said he, + "and tell me what thou seest." "I see," said I, "a huge Valley, + and a prodigious Roadway running through it." "The Valley that + thou seest," said he, "is the Vale of Travel, and the Roadway + that thou beholdest is part of the great Railway System." "What + is the Reason," said I, "that the Roadway I see rises out of a + thick Mist at one End, and again loses itself in a thick Mist + at the other?" "Monopoly and Muddle freely engender Mists," + responded the Genius. "Examine now," said he, "the Roadway that + is bounded with Darkness at both ends, and tell me what thou + discoverest in it." "I see a Bridge," said I, "standing in the + midst of the Roadway." "Consider it attentively," said he.</p> + + <p>Upon a more leisurely Survey of it—a Survey which, + meseemed, it would have been well had Others made with similar + Attentiveness—I found that the Arch thereof looked shaky + and insecure; moreover, that a Great and Irregular-shaped Cleft + or Crack ran, after the fashion of a Lightning-flash in a + Painted Sea-scape, athwart the structure thereof from Keystone + to Coping. As I was regarding this unpleasing Portent, the + Genius told me that this Bridge was at first of sound and + scientific construction, but that the flight of Years, Wear and + Tear, vehement Molecular Vibration, and, above all, Negligent + Supervision, had resulted in its present Ruinous Condition.</p> + + <p>"But tell me further," said he, "what thou discoverest on + it."</p> + + <p>"I see," said I, "if my eyes and the dark Mists and Shadows + deceive me not, a Figure couched upon the Parapet of the centre + Arch thereof." As I looked more attentively, I saw that this + figure was of a Spectral appearance, and Bony withal; albeit, + its contours were to some extent hidden by its clinging + cerement-like garments, and the equally clinging and + charnel-like shades surrounding + it.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="ON THE BRIDGE!" /></a> + + <h3>ON THE BRIDGE!</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <p>Only an Attent, and, as it were, complacently Anticipative + Visage, of an osseous and ogreish Aspect, gleamed lividly forth + therefrom, as the Apparition appeared to Look and Listen + through the Mist at one end of the Bridge for the welcome Sight + of Disaster, the much desired Sound of Doom. A shrill and + sibilant Metallic Shriek seemed to cleave the Shadows into + which the Spectre gazed; a Violent Vibratory Pulsation, as of + thudding iron nails threshing upon a resonant steel floor, + seemed to heat the Roadway, shake the Bridge, and as it + appeared to me to widen the levin-like Cleft or Crack which + disfigured the Arch thereof.</p> + + <p>Then did I quake inwardly and breathe short. "What, O + Genius," I cried, "signifieth the Spectre, who thus sitteth On + the Bridge, what forebodeth the Aspect of eager Anticipation, + and for what doth he so gloatingly and expectantly Wait?"</p> + + <p>"This," responded the Genius, gravely, "is Insatiate Death + waiting for Inevitable Accident!"</p> + + <p>I gazed with inexpressible melancholy upon the unhappy + Scene. At length said I, "Show me now, I beseech thee, the + Secrets that lie hid under those dark Mists which cover the + regions to the right which you suggest are the realms of + Monopoly and Muddle." The Genius making me no Answer, I turned + about to address myself to him a Second time, but I found that + he had left me. I then turned again to the Vision, but instead + of the Roadway, the arched Bridge and the Attent Anatomy, I saw + nothing but my own parlour, and my wife MARY picking up the + <i>Bradshaw's Guide</i> which had fallen from my sleep-relaxed + hand.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>On that particular Saint Monday I took, not as I had + intended, a Railway Excursion to Rural Parts, but, telling + MARY—to her manifest concern—that I Had Altered my + Mind as regarded our Holiday, I betook myself to the "Blue + Boar" at the corner, and passed the day in Safety—and + Solitary Smoking! Next morning, however, I read something in + the papers which led me to believe that Railwaydom Aroused + meant exorcising and evicting that Sinister Spectre, + "regardless of Cost;" and I shall look forward to my next + Holiday Outing with a mind Relieved and Reassured.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/57-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57-1.png" + alt="Blackfriars to Sloane Square." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The man who got in at Blackfriars</p> + + <p>Was smoking the foulest of briars,</p> + + <p class="i2">But it went out all right—</p> + + <p class="i2">Could I give him a light?—</p> + + <p>Hadn't got one—well, all men are liars.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've frequently noticed the Temple</p> + + <p>Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;</p> + + <p class="i2">And that's why I've made</p> + + <p class="i2">This verse somewhat blank,</p> + + <p>And rather disregarded the metre.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How <i>do</i> you pronounce Charing Cross?</p> + + <p>It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.</p> + + <p class="i2">Some people, of course,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would rhyme it with "horse,"</p> + + <p>But I always rhyme it with "hoss."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A woman at Westminster Bridge</p> + + <p>Had got just a speck on the ridge</p> + + <p class="i2">Of her Romanesque nose.</p> + + <p class="i2">"It's a black, I suppose,"</p> + + <p>She observed. Then it flew—'twas a midge.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One man from the Park of St. James,</p> + + <p>Had really the loftiest aims;</p> + + <p class="i2">In the hat-rack he sat,</p> + + <p class="i2">Used my hair as a mat,</p> + + <p>And when I demurred called me names.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I bought from the stall at Victoria</p> + + <p>A horrible sixpenny story, a</p> + + <p class="i2">Book of a kind</p> + + <p class="i2">It pained me to find</p> + + <p>For sale at our English emporia.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I found when I got to Sloane Square</p> + + <p>That my ticket was gone; my despair</p> + + <p class="i2">Was awful to see,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till at last to my glee</p> + + <p>I looked in my hat—it was there!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>'ILL-LUMINANTS!</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Sir E. WATKIN is about to introduce the Electric Light + on the summit of Snowdon."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Just started up Snowdon by Sir E. WATKIN's combined + Galvano-Electric and Pneumatic Despatch Line, from Llanberis. + Goes nearly to top. What a blessing! Saved all the bother of + the mount. Go in tennis-shoes, as I'm told there's next to no + climbing to be done.</p> + + <p>Splendid day for view. Comfortable carriages. Hullo! what's + this? Find myself suddenly shot into a mountain tarn. A Yankee + would call it "tarnation cold." Get out dripping. Guard of + train explains that "battery must be rather too strong this + morning." Train put on line again. Up we go! Shivery. If I'd + known this sort of thing went on, I'd have brought towels.</p> + + <p>At Terminus, three-quarters way up, in a bleak and exposed + crag, plastered with advertisements. Day not quite so glorious. + Fog coming on. Or is it "Scotch mist?" But what has a Scotch + mist to do in Wales? Ask engine-driver's opinion. He has none. + "Then which is the way up?" Doesn't know. "<i>His</i> way is + down." Must speak to Sir E.W. about engine-driver.</p> + + <p>Ascent continued. Leads down-hill. Curious. Sound of dashing + waterfall close by. <i>Must</i> see it. Turn round a corner. No + waterfall at all, only the Electric-Light-generating station! + Noise I heard was the "machinery in motion." + <i>Query</i>—does an iron shed with chimney pouring out + factory smoke, add to charms of wild scenery?</p> + + <p>More surprises! Find an "Automatic Delivery" pillar! Curious + sight on a mountain. Put a penny in, and you get a small + book—<i>Guide to Snowdonia</i>. Thanks! But what I want + is a guide to top. Fog worse than ever. Believe I've missed my + way.</p> + + <p><i>Five hours later</i>.—I <i>had</i>. Shoes utterly + worn out. Awfully, tired. Hit on top by mere accident. Resting + in new hotel. Scrumptious, but dear. Don't care! Electric + Light. What system? Waiter says "Brush." Must be 'air-brush up + here, I fancy! Anyhow no good in a fog. Shall suggest foghorn + to Sir E. WATKIN for thick weather. Also guides waiting at Crag + Terminus. Bottle of beer. Divine! View? None, and don't want + any. More beer. Electric Light better than I thought. + Electricity is life. Electricity is also beer. More beer, + please! Waiter asks "if I sleep at top?" Beds only two guineas + a night. Of course I do! "Then shall he wake me for sunrise?" + He'd better <i>not</i>. Goo' night! Sowdn—mean + Snowdn—great sksess.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HER VIOLETS!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/57-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57-2.png" + alt="Her Violets!" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She gave them to me when the dance was done,</p> + + <p class="i2">Her eyes all lighted with the ecstasy</p> + + <p>Of triumph in the crushing contest won,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of all the joy of girlish victory.</p> + + <p>She gave them to me as we mounted up,</p> + + <p class="i2">With all the bold effrontery that + dares</p> + + <p>To face the aged ones, who've come to sup,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sidles off to alcoves on the + stairs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She gave them to me, but some sprays, I know,</p> + + <p class="i2">All dying then, as though life's task + were laid</p> + + <p>To rest within that burning breast of snow;</p> + + <p class="i2">And there the last great debt of all were + paid.</p> + + <p>She gave them to me, and my heart did beat,</p> + + <p class="i2">As o'er my hope a greater promise + came,</p> + + <p>And up the narrow way with steps so fleet</p> + + <p class="i2">She went, though I remember'd not her + name.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She gave them to me, and I vow'd that they</p> + + <p class="i2">Should lie upon my heart till years had + fled,</p> + + <p>Till, passing through life's narrow, thorny way,</p> + + <p class="i2">They'd rest with me when life's own + leaves were dead.</p> + + <p>And thus I spoke, and then we wrote the deed,</p> + + <p class="i2">With fervid seal upon the heart's own + slab—</p> + + <p>Alas! alas! how memory runs to seed!—</p> + + <p class="i2">I left her Violets in a beastly cab!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + + <p>WATER SUPPLY.—Yes, we have read about the quantities + of poisoned fish floating in the river somewhere near the + "intake" of the Water Companies, and agree with you that under + such circumstances the pretence of supplying a drinkable fluid + is somewhat of a "take-in." But surely it is hardly necessary + to adopt the extreme step you contemplate, of stationing an + expert Thames fisherman at the side of your cistern night and + day, in order to catch any fish that may come through the + pipes. The Companies' filtering system may not be worth much, + but it ought to be able to keep out something under the size of + a whale.</p> + + <p>HOLIDAY TRAVELLING.—You say that recent disclosures + about Railway Bridges have made you nervous. The plan of + personally inspecting every bridge your train will pass over on + your way to Scotland is an excellent one, if you have time for + it. Possibly also, a Railway Manager might agree to put a + specially light engine to your train. As you say you are going + to take a couple of tourist tickets, third class, it would + probably pay him well to make any little alteration of that + kind.</p> + + <p>IMPECUNIOSITY.—We cannot help you. Reading the Riot + Act and then assaulting them with a poker is not the best way + of getting the Bailiffs out of a house. Try gentle persuasion. + If you have recently had a case of black typhus in the house, + you might mention the fact to them, and see what they say.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/58.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58.png" + alt="LADIES IN THE HOUSE. THE SUCCESS OF THE SEASON." /> + </a> + + <h3>LADIES IN THE HOUSE. THE SUCCESS OF THE SEASON.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <h2>FANCY + PORTRAIT.</h2><a href="images/59-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59-1.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <h3>THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON.</h3>SIR AUGUSTUS + DRURIOLANUS COVENT-GARDENIUS HARRIS, C.C.C. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE RULE OF THREE.</h2> + + <h3>(A POSSIBLE SCENE OF THE FUTURE.)</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>PLAN OF ACTION.—<i>Somewhere conveniently situated + for all parties. The</i> King, <i>the</i> Kaiser, <i>and + the</i> Emperor, <i>discovered discussing the Treaty that + has now been in force for some years.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i> (<i>with assumed cheerfulness</i>). Well, my + dear Brothers, it is really time you should do something. It is + not on my own account that I am anxious, but on + yours—purely on yours.</p> + + <p><i>King</i> (<i>dryly</i>). Certainly!</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i> (<i>with a smile</i>). No doubt! Pray + proceed.</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i> (<i>addressing Italy</i>). Well, my dear + friend, as I am afraid we are on the eve of a contest with + France, I must beg of you to place three Army Corps upon your + Alpine frontiers.</p> + + <p><i>King</i> (<i>with assumed surprise</i>). Why should I do + this? It will be most inconvenient!</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i>. Why, to carry out the provisions of the + Treaty.</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i> (<i>interposing</i>). Your pardon, that + stipulation was suppressed at King HUMBERT's request.</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Oh, was it! Then, my friend, + perhaps you will be so good (as my relations with the CZAR are + strained almost to breaking), as to station troops on the + Russian frontier beyond Cracow.</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i> (<i>with improvised astonishment</i>). Why + should I do this? It will be most inconvenient.</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i>. Why, to carry out the provisions of the + Treaty.</p> + + <p><i>King</i> (<i>interposing</i>). Your pardon; that + stipulation was suppressed at the request of the Emperor of + AUSTRIA.</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i>. Oh, was it? (<i>Losing his temper.</i>) Then + I consider the whole affair as gross a swindle as—</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Nay, Sire, remember + your birth and position! It is a passing annoyance, but it + should not move you. Remember, you are a Hohenzollern! Let me + offer you a cigarette.</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i> (<i>calming down</i>). Well, perhaps I had + better be quiet. It is more dignified.</p> + + <p><i>King</i> (<i>helping himself to the Emperor's + cigarette-case</i>). Let me join you.</p> + + <p><i>Kaiser</i>. But I say, what use is the Treaty to either + of us?</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i> (<i>with a smile</i>). Properly treated, it + is of service to us all. (<i>Lights it, and offers it to his + two partners</i>). It will serve as a spill for our cigarettes! + [<i>Scene closes in upon the Treaty ending in smoke.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Well done, Dear!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We've levelled farms, we've planted trees,</p> + + <p class="i2">And many mighty men of means</p> + + <p>Have shot at deer, and, if you please,</p> + + <p class="i2">A DEAR has shot and won the Queen's!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 20</i>.—"Man and boy + I've sat in this House for seven years," said WHITTAKER ELLIS, + as he reposed behind Ministers diffusing a sense of aldermanic + respectability over an appreciable area of space; "never have I + seen Irish Estimates got through in this style. LORD LIEUTENANT + has his salary voted without a word of comment, and CHIEF + SECRETARY will, I believe, get his in a couple of hours. Have + known the time when it wasn't done in a couple of nights."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/59-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59-2.png" + alt="Mr. Whittaker Ellis." /></a>Aldermanic + Respectability. + </div> + + <p>Strange indeed the scene; not thirty Members present whilst + the Woluminous WEBB goes all the way back to the Tipperary + riots in search of text for dreary observations; then fearsome + speeches by FLYNN and P.J. POWER. Some fillip to proceedings + when JORDAN rolls in.</p> + + <p>JORDAN is Member of Parliament for Clare, as he once or + twice incidentally remarked. Evidently much impressed by + distinction. House laughs at reiterated claim. The billows of + Jordan rise; had no personal objection to Prince ARTHUR, he + said, but "as Member of Parliament for Clare" had to complain + of him in his official capacity. What had he done? "He has + given Clare such a resident Magistrate as CECIL ROCHE, a low + tyrannical man, who ordered a low policeman to seize + me—me, Member of Parliament for Clare."</p> + + <p>JORDAN glared round on laughing House; quite + incomprehensible what they should be guffawing at. Marvel + increased when he introduced Father GILLIKAN on the scene,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/59-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59-3.png" + alt="Mr. Jordan." /></a>"Member of Parliament for + Clare." + </div> + + <p>"What had happened to Father GILLIKAN?" JORDAN roared, + fixing a bloodshot eye on ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, who had just + dropped in on Treasury Bench. "Why, Father GILLIKAN had been + sent to prison for a speech delivered in the middle of the + River Shannon."</p> + + <p>House shouted with laughter; began again when JORDAN + explained that Father GILLIKAN, though he had been making a + speech in the middle of the River Shannon at the moment of his + arrest, was primarily in a boat. Even that didn't mend matters, + and JORDAN, giving up attempt to understand ill-timed hilarity + of House, dried up.</p> + + <p>Later, TIM HEALY turned up, TIM TRUCULENT no more. Where was + the excited crowd he was wont to address in Sessions of not + very long ago—the jeering Ministerialists, the applauding + Liberals, the enthusiastic band of united Irishmen, with + PARNELL sitting placid in their midst, he only quiet amid the + turbulent throng? Now the House more than half empty; the + audience irresponsive; Prince ARTHUR sitting solitary on + Treasury Bench with head bowed to hide the blushes that had + mantled his cheek at hearing TIM extol his improvement since, + in 1887, he tried his prentice hand as Chief Secretary. Prince + ARTHUR, when he rises, is careful not to introduce a + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> discordant note. He has, he + says, listened with interest to the able speech of the Hon. + and learned Gentleman, the Member for North Longford. There + must be a division for decency's sake; but only 150 Members + turn up, and no one would have been greatly surprised if + Prince ARTHUR and TIM HEALY had walked off arm in arm into + the same lobby.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/60-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60-1.png" + alt="Lalor's Lament." /></a>Lalor's Lament. + </div> + + <p>"Shade of me departed frind, JOSEPH GILLIS," said LALOR, + wearily rising to go forth to the division, "what d'ye think of + us, suppose this night you chance to be looking down from + whatever answers with you to the Strangers' Gallery, where you + used to betake yourself after being suspended?"</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Irish Votes in Committee of + Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—The alliance, offensive and defensive, + established between the two Houses of Legislature by Lord + DENMAN and Mr. ATKINSON been temporarily blighted by + machinations of the enemy.</p> + + <p>DENMAN, the other night, wanted to move for return showing + how many times he had been in attendance. House said it didn't + particularly care to know. DENMAN insisted; then the MARKISS, + as usual, appeared on the scene, and moved that DENMAN + shouldn't be heard for remainder of sitting. DENMAN, never at + loss in Parliamentary strategy, wanted to move that the + MARKISS's motion should be put from Chair on that day ten + months. But LORD CHANCELLOR, well known to be in league with + the MARKISS, promptly put question. Before DESMAN knew where he + was (a not unfamiliar access of haziness) Motion put, declared + to be carried, and he condemned to sit silent for rest of + evening.</p> + + <p>Same tactics, slightly varied, carried on to effacement of + other wing of allied forces. ATKINSON wanted to put question to + JOKIM about his Coinage Bill. Took some pains in framing it; + handed it in at table; next day question appeared on paper + shorn of its oratorical excellencies.</p> + + <p>"How is this?" says ATKINSON, addressing the SPEAKER.</p> + + <p>"Question full of errors," SPEAKER explained.</p> + + <p>"Will the Right Hon. Gentleman kindly state them?" said + ATKINSON, folding his arms, and looking triumphantly round the + House. Had the SPEAKER now. He would go into particulars. Sure + to leave opening for master of argumentative tactics; ATKINSON + would dart in and pink him amid applause of Senate. Public + business might be delayed, but what of that? House liked + intellectual treat.</p> + + <p>SPEAKER, however, not so unwary as he looked. Took no notice + of ATKINSON's inquiry; went on to next business. ATKINSON wrote + to Clerks for explanation. No reply; so to-day gives notice of + Vote of Censure on SPEAKER and Clerks.</p> + + <p>"Sorry to be driven to this course, dear TOBY," he said, + when I ventured to remonstrate with him on his remorseless + career; "have the greatest respect for the SPEAKER; shrink from + depriving the Clerks at table of means of livelihood. But an + example must be made. Effect not confined to walls of this + Chamber. My Motion of Censure on the SPEAKER will strike terror + to the House of Lords, and go long way to deliver my noble + friend DENMAN from thraldom under which a too sensitive nature + lies bound hand and foot. The House need apprehend no + inconvenience to the course of public business. Last night, in + response to a bait artfully thrown out by Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, I + felt it my duty to rise in my place and announce that nothing + would induce me to take office under the Crown. But in the + matter of the SPEAKER, I shall recognise my personal + responsibility, and when, in consequence of my Motion of + Censure, he withdraws into private life, <i>I</i> will take the + Chair."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—In Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Haven't seen SEYMOUR KEAY lately. + Report in House is, that he has been close and interested + attendant on CATHCART case. Rumour receives some confirmation + from circumstance that to-day, CATHCART case concluded, KEAY + suddenly turns up full of spirits and valuable information. + Subject (Land Purchase Bill back from Lords) particularly + attractive to him, since it is bristling with obscurities. + Once, when a Lords Amendment submitted, TIM HEALY asked what it + meant. MADDEN sprang up with reassuring alacrity and said a few + words, apparently of explanation. Didn't clear up anything; TIM + insisted on wanting to know, you know; MADDEN nervously read + and reread Amendment, couldn't make head or tale of it, but + wouldn't do for ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND to say so. + Accordingly smiled on TIM with pitying air of superiority. + "Couldn't understand what the Lords meant by their Amendment? + Well, well; surprised at such confession from one of TIM's + acuteness."</p> + + <p>Prince ARTHUR all the while turning over Amendment; at + length interposed. "The Hon. and learned Gentleman opposite," + he observed, "asks for an explanation of this Amendment; I + frankly tell him I cannot give it. I don't understand it + myself, and as it would be undesirable to include in the Act a + provision that might lead to controversy, we will strike it + out."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/60-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60-2.png" + alt="Mr. Shiress Wills." /></a>"Thus are our Laws + made!" + </div> + + <p>"And thus are our laws made!" said SHIRESS WILLS, throwing + out his hands in astonishment.</p> + + <p>Certainly a narrow escape. It was after this that KEAY's + patent-leather boots glistened on the floor of House as he + walked up to take seat below Gangway. Determined to make up for + lost time; led astray in all directions; SPEAKER called him to + order with increasing sternness; HENNIKER HEATON asked if he + might move that for rest of Session he be no longer heard; + SPEAKER evidently sorely tempted; here was a short sure way out + of the difficulty. Faltered a moment, then rose heroically to + sense of duty; put aside proposal, and KEAY went on again for + another half-hour. "A long rigmarole," JOKIM called the speech. + This not Parliamentary, but no one objected.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Land Purchase Bill got ready for + Royal Assent.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Nothing can exceed MORTON's obliging + disposition; talked for half an hour just now on subject of + fortune-telling. Members can't prevent ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS from + making speeches, but they needn't listen; so kept up lively + conversation whilst ALPHEUS talked to CLEOPHAS. When he sat + down, it appeared he had desired that his remarks should reach + ear of Home Secretary; concluded by asking question; MATTHEWS + unwarily protested, that, owing to noise in House, he had not + been able to catch the drift of the Hon. Gentleman's + remarks.</p> + + <p>"Oh, very well," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, "I'll repeat + them."</p> + + <p>"No! no!" MATTHEWS almost shrieked.</p> + + <p>"No trouble at all," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, and he set off + again, making his speech once more. <i>Business + done.</i>—Very little.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOR THE BENEFIT OF ZOILUS.</h2> + + <p>SHAKSPEARE speaks of "the maiden virtue of the Crown." And + the word "maiden" bears, in certain constructions, the + meanings, "fresh, new, youthful, &c." But when <i>Mr. + Punch</i>, comparing generally "Fifty Years Syne" with To-day, + says:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Then HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the + Throne,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"A SEPTUAGENARIAN" acidly objects, and twits <i>Mr. + Punch</i> with premature failure of memory. "Aha! I know that + man!" says <i>Mr. P.</i> <i>Mr. Punch</i>, of course, merely + meant that about fifty years ago HER MAJESTY was a very + youthful Sovereign. Moreover, the comparison made between "Then + and Now" was not intended to be confined rigorously to "July + 17, 1841," as is shown in the previous stanza, which + says:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song which moved a + world to tears,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>meaning "<i>The Song of the Shirt</i>," which, as explained + in a footnote, was not published until 1843. Had <i>Mr. + Punch</i> written with the fear of ZOILUS before his eyes, he + might have appended <i>another</i> foot-note, to + explain—for the benefit of ZOILUS—that he did + <i>not</i> mean to convey the idea that HER MAJESTY was + unmarried when <i>he</i> first made his appearance. Whereto the + reply of the Public—all but ZOILUS—would probably + have been, "Whoever supposed you <i>did</i>?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"THEN YOU'LL REMEMBER ME!"—Among the names of those + who, within the last ten years, have done good work for <i>Mr. + Punch</i> ought to have appeared that of Mr. SAVILE CLARKE, + whose <i>cri du coeur</i> from foreign shores has reached + <i>Mr. P.'s</i> ears and touched <i>Mr. P.'s</i> heart.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>L'ENTENTE CORDIALE.—A portion of the French Fleet is + soon to be entertained on English shores. The first of these + vessels sighted as it approaches will be sufficient evidence of + their French ship towards us.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, August 1, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13466-h.htm or 13466-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/6/13466/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, August 1, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 15, 2004 [EBook #13466] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +August 1, 1891. + + + + +THE PRINCE. + +(_A LETTER FROM NICOLA PUNCIO MACHIAVELLI TO THE MOST ILLUSTRIOUS +VITTORIO EMANUELE, SON OF UMBERTO, KING OF ITALY._) + +I. + +There never was, nor is at this day, any man in the world who is not +either a Prince or not a Prince. Seeing, therefore, that your Highness +appertains of right to the class of them that are Princes, and being +ambitious to present to your Highness that which should have the +chiefest value in your eyes, I could not (though pondering much) deem +anything more precious than the knowledge of men and of governments +which I have learned through a space of half a hundred years. +Forasmuch as your Highness hath travelled over stormy seas to the +island of the British folk, I do presume to present to your Highness, +as being one that seeketh wisdom, the ripe fruit of my knowledge, in +order that your Highness may suck thereout such advantage as those who +love your land chiefly desire both for yourself and for them to whose +government you shall in the future be called. + +II.--_HOW A PRINCE IS TO GAIN REPUTATION._ + +To begin, then, I say it would be advantageous to be accounted both +liberal and of a like nature unto other men that are not Princes. For +although the majority of mankind be penurious and apt to hoard their +money, and although in their assembly the British make a show of +niggardliness, imputing it to themselves for a virtue, nevertheless, +if they discern in a Prince such inclinations as they praise in +themselves, no nation was ever quicker to blame or decry. For each +holds in private that while he himself is generous, the rest are +mean and covetous. Therefore, I counsel you let your conduct in the +bestowal both of snuff-boxes, which no man at this day uses, and of +scarf-pins, which are a delight to many, be so ordered that men may +think of you as one that with a true generosity performs such acts as +each of them, were he a Prince, would perform as well. + +[Illustration] + +Likewise if there be those who wish to read unto you addresses of +loyal welcome, it is not well to flout them publicly by showing signs +of sleep; since it is the fashion of municipalities and Mayors to +hold themselves to be of high importance, and a wise flattery of this +self-deception well becomes you. And in replying, let your speech +be both short and homely. The present German Emperor came lately +among this people, and, having spoken aloud of the kindness of his +Grandmamma, at once the hearts of all of them that are or hope to be +grandmammas, or have themselves possessed a grandmamma, were moved to +him so that he was accounted one of themselves from that time forth. + +Again, how honourable it is for a Prince to be outspoken, candid, and +truthful, I suppose everybody understands. Nevertheless, experience +has shown in our times that those Princes who have not pinned +themselves up to that excess of truth-speaking, have not alone secured +the love of their subjects, but have been held up as patterns of a +royal wisdom and virtue. For in the assemblages of the great that +shall be gathered in your honour, and in the banquets and receptions +wherewith it is customary to overwhelm a Prince, there must often be +those surrounding him, and holding converse with him, whose absence +would cause him joy rather than sorrow, on account of their exceeding +pompous dulness. Yet it is well at such times for a Prince to conceal +his feelings, and, though he be flattened with tedious ceremony, to +keep both a cheerful countenance and a pleasant tongue, as of one to +whom life offers a succession of the proudest and happiest moments. +There is a Prince at this time in being (but his name I shall +conceal), who can often have nothing in his mind but sorrow and +depression, so many are his labours and so great is the number of the +foundation-stones he lays; and yet, had he revealed either the one or +the other by speech or gesture, they had robbed him before this of his +power and reputation. + +III.--_OF THE WEARING OF UNIFORMS._ + +A Prince should have many uniforms, and wear them with much show and +glitter. For it is expected of Princes that before they be weaned they +should be Colonels, and should rank as Field-Marshals at a time when +other lads still trail themselves to school. It is not indeed related +of CÆSAR that he drilled a regiment at the age of six, nor of HANNIBAL +that being yet a boy he did aught but take an oath. Yet now the custom +of the world is otherwise, and a Prince who should never shine in the +array of a soldier might justly be held odious and contemptible. That +very German Emperor of whom I have spoken, won the applause of the +multitude by cuirass and helmet, and having donned a British Admiral's +uniform, was held of great account amongst a people apt for the rule +of the sea. This honour in truth falls not to all; but others, and +yourself among the number, may be made Post Captains, and wear a naval +dress both with comfort and approbation. + +IV.--_OF ITALY._ + +Here in the land to which you have come you shall find all men lovers +of Italy. For there is not one of those that watched her long and +grievous struggles, that did not welcome with a heartfelt joy her +deliverance, both from foreign yoke and from native tyrants. Here too +they know that the example of your illustrious family, the wisdom +and moderation of your father not less than the unquenchable valour +and bodily strength of your grandfather, his contempt of danger, +his devotion to duty, shone forth as a star before the eyes of all +Italians, even in their darkest hours. Who is there that hath not the +liveliest hope that all prosperity may be confirmed to that beloved +country, that she may advance from greatness to greatness, that her +kings may be just, her people free and contented. Let your illustrious +family, then, still address itself to the work with courage and +confidence, that under them Italy may stand forth an example to the +nations of the world. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--QUOTATION WANTED.--Can anybody inform me where this +exquisite line occurs-- + + "Heredity, thou mother of our race!" + +I fancy it must be by Lord TENNYSON, but I cannot find it either in +_In Memoriam_ or the _Idylls of the King_. The line has been much +admired by competent critics. A beautiful little volume of verse, +recently published, is _The Fall of Cetewayo_. Possibly the line may +be in that book.--P.S.--Is not £76 10s. 6d. too high a price to charge +for bringing out an Epic Poem of 8000 lines, even if, as is asserted, +there have been "no sales"?--LAUREATE PRESUMPTIVE. + + * * * * * + +MEREDITHOMANIA.--Miss HANNAH LYNCH (Author of _George Meredith--a +Study_) is almost incoherently angry with "the inexcusable and comical +consistency of stupidity" manifested by all those who are not, in the +fullest sense, "Meredith-men"--or women. She is, however, so dogmatic +and disdainful, that one suspects her of a tendency to substitute for +the judicial verdict of the critical judgment-seat, the arbitrary and +excessive punishment of "Lynch-law!" + + * * * * * + +WISBECH WINE.--Liberal Supply. The BRAND of 1891 acknowledged to be +quite beyond competition. + + * * * * * + +"OFF TO MASHERLAND.".--Nothing from "GRANDOLPH the Explorer" this +week. He's gone to the Diggings. + + * * * * * + +RIDING THE PIG. + + [Mr. HEALY said he did not deny that after five years of + liberal education the present Chief Secretary had greatly + improved.... In reply to Mr. BALFOUR's inquiry, whether he + could count upon Mr. HEALY's support in a Local Government + Bill for Ireland, Mr. HEALY replied, "Certainly!"] + +[Illustration] + + Ah! Spur, whip, and bridle are all very well, + For a rider's equipment includes some "Coercion," + But Jehu may need an additional spell, + Whether riding a race or for simple diversion. + There are reasons for giving a racer his head, + And some flocks are driven and others are led. + + Improved? Whillaloo! Fancy HEALY the hot + Politely approving of "BALFOUR the Brutal"! + How pleasant to picture the Pig at full trot, + Without that "hard riding" some fancy must suit all! + Too good to be true? That time only can show. + 'Tis something that Piggy should _promise_ to "go." + + Your Pig is a "gintleman,"--take him aright; + Or so those maintain who best know the 'cute creature. + If you make him "eat stick" in excess he'll show fight. + The goad and the snout-ring we've tried. This new feature-- + A lure in advance--may be worth being tried. + That Piggy _can_ go--and this rider _can_ ride! + + * * * * * + +ENTHUSIASM À LA RUSSE! + + SCENE--_A Bureau de Police at St. Petersburg. Present, + Russian Bigwig and Subordinate._ + +_Russian Bigwig_ (_reading letter_). "And they are to be received with +the greatest possible enthusiasm!" I can scarcely believe my eyes! The +Fleet of the French Republic! + +_Subordinate_ (_using a Muscovite imprecation_). _Caviare droski!_ + +_Rus. Big._ (_severely_). Slave! (Sub. _cringes_.) Another word, and +I will have you knouted to death! It is the wish of our Little Father, +the Czar of the Universe. + + [_They both fall on their knees, remove their hats, and sing + the National Hymn._ + +_Sub._ (_bowing to the ground_). And what are the Imperial wishes? + +_Rus. Big._ That not only shall the "_Marseillaise_" be tolerated when +played by the French, but also be performed by our own bands. (_With a +burst of rage._) Oh, _Caviare droski!_ + +_Sub._ (_on his knees_). I would also add an oath, O Supreme +Protector-of-the-Spirit-of-my-dead-Grandmother, had you not forbidden +that extreme expression of opinion. + +_Rus. Big._ You recall me to myself. O +Son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-TOMMY. I was wrong. But +it makes my blood boil to think that our Master and his ancestors who +scorned LOUIS PHILIPPE and NAPOLEON III. should recognise a Republic! + +_Sub._ (_aside_). Say you so--this to the CZAR--thou Nihilist! +(_Aloud._) My Lord-the-comforter-of-the-spirit-of-my-first-cousin-once- +removed-on-my-mother's-side, is indeed right! It is a painful sight! + +_Rus. Big._ (_aside_). Say you so--this to the CZAR--thou Nihilist! +(_Aloud._) But perhaps we might improve matters. Supposing that the +"_Marseillaise_" were imperfectly performed? + +_Sub._ (_with note-book_). Excellent, my Lord! excellent! It shall +be played out of tune on a score of regimental bands! Good, my Lord! +good! + +_Rus. Big._ And could not a translation be furnished suggesting ideas +foreign to the original? + +_Sub._ Again capital, my Lord. I will see that the troops have a +version that gives the old legend (stolen from us by the English) +of "The Song of Sixpence, or a pocketful of Rye-bread," as the real +translation. + +_Rus. Big._ A happy thought! The moral is wholesome. The Monarchical +principle is advocated in the approved counting out of money and +consumption of bread and honey by their Majesties, and the right of +life and death is suggested by the pecking off of the nose of the +housemaid while employed in hanging out the clothes! And about the +troops--have they been warned that they might some day be expected to +give a hated alien an enthusiastic reception? + +_Sub._ They have, my Lord. And in anticipation of such an occasion, +they have been taught for the last six months how to cheer in a +whisper. + +_Rus. Big._ Good! And now to a pleasanter duty. Have you those hundred +thousand copies of _Punch_ that were yesterday seized at the frontier? + +_Sub._ I have, my Lord! + +_Rus. Big._ (_with fiendish glee_). To Siberia with them! Come, help +me to post them! + +_Sub._ (_trembling_). But, my Lord, should _Punch_ be read by the +political prisoners who lie covered with chains in the secret mines +under the lowest mountain in the Czar's dominions? What then? + +_Rus. Big._ (_in an awesome whisper_). Mark me well! In the present +pitiable state of the prisoners, such a feast of mirth-compelling +waggery would kill them--yes, _kill_ them--with laughter! + + [_Exeunt stealthily to put this craftily-conceived plot into + guilty execution._ + + * * * * * + +A NEW LEADER. + + ["At present the followers are obliged to be amiable because + the Leader is amiable. Under the Leader I suggest they would + be less amiable, and would be at liberty to say stronger + things."--Mr. ATKINSON, M.P., _in the House of Commons_.] + +_CHORUS OF AMIABLE TORIES._ + + Hear! hear! Mr. A. We are amiable too, + For we follow our amiable Leader, like you; + But when forced to say, "Bless you!" we choke with our spleen, + And we add, _sotto voce_, "You know what I mean." + While we sit spick and span as a picture by FRITH, + And contend with our feelings, to please Mr. SMITH. + + Oh, we pule and we prate, we are nerveless and weak, + And we swallow, like _Pistol_, the odorous leek. + We palter with truth, and we flatter our foes, + And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the nose. + We are fools soft of speech, and without any pith, + For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH. + + Time was when a Member who hated the Celt + Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt. + He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in length, + Make up for their shortness by meaning and strength. + But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith, + While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH. + + So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then, + With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men: + We shall always retort with a sting when we're stung, + With the bees in our bonnet, the D's on our tongue. + And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a myth, + When an ATKINSON stands in the shoes of a SMITH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENUS IRRITABILE. + +_First Bard._ "SEEN MY SONNETS IN THE _PACIFIC WEEKLY_?" + +_Second Bard._ "YES." + +_First Bard._ "LIKE THEM?" + +_Second Bard._ "WELL,--A--_CANDIDLY_--I--" + +_First Bard._ "OH, IF IT COMES TO THAT, _CANDIDLY_ I ALWAYS HATED YOUR +BEASTLY BALLADES AND RONDELS AND ROT IN THE _ERECHTHEUM_--BUT I HAD +THE DECENCY NOT TO _TELL_ YOU SO!"] + + * * * * * + +TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION. + +THE OPTIMIST. + +The British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared. + +It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of +defence--the Army. + +The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were met with +such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery, that they had to +abandon the attempt in despair--at least for awhile. They retired +for the night, and on the following morning were in front of +Westgate-on-Sea. It was then found how wise the Committee of Home +Defence had been in their recommendation. Feeling sure that the forces +of the Crown would be ample to beat back any hostile attempt to seize +a town the centre of one of the best of charities (St. Michael's +Convalescent Home), the Committee had deprecated the suggestion of +erecting extensive fortifications. Practically Westgate was without +walls. But there was a better defence than brickwork. The Authorities +had not been idle during the night, having utilised the Pause in the +war to bring up two magnificent battalions of Militia--the 7th Rifle +Brigade and the 4th Cheshire Regiment. Thus when the enemy succeeded +in effecting a landing, they found themselves confronted by the very +flower of the British Army. In ten minutes the hostile host were +crumpled up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat. + +During the following week the entire army of the foe was allowed to +land in England, and were speedily exterminated. The contract given +out by Government to an advertising undertaker was the means of making +that contractor's fortune. Within ten days England was absolutely free +from invasion. + +"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest +tactician of the century. + +"Surprised!" echoed the other. "Why it was what we all expected from +the first!" + +THE PESSIMIST. + +The British Fleet, by a carefully calculated plan, had disappeared. +It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of +defence--the Army. + +The enemy, although somewhat depressed at the losses they had +sustained, attempted to land, and of course were successful. The +picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of the Royal Horse +Artillery, opened fire, but without the smallest effect. On the +following morning the main force of the enemy appeared in front of +Margate, the recently fortified port. It was then found how foolish +the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation. +Feeling doubtful of the means the Government would have at their +command to defend an unprotected town, they had ordered every village +on the coast to be surrounded by the most intricate network of +bricks and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these elaborate +preparations were valueless. The troops of the enemy poured into +Margate almost without opposition. The forts were silenced in five +minutes, and although on the following morning the Household Brigade +came to the rescue, the assistance thus afforded was of no avail. + +During the succeeding week the entire army of the foe was allowed to +land in England, and were immediately victorious. The contract for +finding them lodgings in London made somebody's fortune. Within a week +England was grovelling in the dust at the feet of her conquerors. + +"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest +tactician of the century. + +"Surprised!" he echoed--"why it was what we all expected from the +first!" + + * * * * * + +NEW RIDDLE (WITH THE OLD ANSWER).--Where was ISAACS when the +Balance-Sheet went out? + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. II. + + SCENE--_Courtyard of the "Grand Hôtel du Lion Belgique et + d'Albion," at Brussels. It is just after Table d'hôte; + PODBURY and CULCHARD are sitting on a covered terrace, with + coffee._ + +_Podbury_ (_producing a pipe_). Not such a bad dinner! Expect they'll +rook us a lot for it, though. Rather fun, seeing the waiters all troop +in with a fresh course, when the proprietor rang his bell. Like a +ballet at the Empire--eh? + +_Culchard_ (_selecting a cigarette_). I'm not in a position to say. I +don't affect those places of entertainment myself. + +_Podb._ Oh! Where _do_ you turn in when you want to kick up your heels +a bit? Madame Tussaud's? I say, why on earth didn't you talk to that +old bloke next to you at dinner? He was trying all he knew to be +friendly. + +_Culch._ Was he? I daresay. But I rather understood we came out with +the idea of keeping out of all that. + +_Podb._ Of course. _I'm_ not keen about getting to know people. He had +no end of a pretty daughter, though. Mean to say you didn't spot her? + +[Illustration: "Wanted to know if you were my Tutor!"] + +_Culch._ If by "spotting" you mean--was I aware of the existence of a +very exuberant young person, with a most distressing American accent? +I can only say; that she made her presence sufficiently evident. I +confess she did not interest me to the point of speculating upon her +relationship to anybody else. + +_Podb._ Well--if you come to that, I don't know that I--still, she was +uncommonly--(_Happens to glance round, and lowers his voice._) Jove! +she's in the Reading-room, just behind us. (_Hums, with elaborate +carelessness._) La di deedle-lumpty--loodle-oodle-loo-- + +_Culch._ (_who detests humming_). By the way, I wish you hadn't been +in such a hurry to come straight on. I particularly wanted to stop at +Bruges, and see the Memlings. + +_Podb._ I do like that! For a fellow who wants to keep out of people's +way! They'd have wanted you to stay to lunch and dinner, most likely. + +_Culch._ (_raising his eyebrows_). Hardly, my dear fellow--they're +pictures, as it happens. + +_Podb._ (_unabashed_). Oh, are they? Any way, you've fetched up your +average here. Weren't there enough in the Museum for you? + +_Culch._ (_pityingly_). You surely wouldn't call the collection here +exactly representative of the best period of Flemish Art? + +_Podb._ If you ask me, I should call it a simply footling show--but +you were long enough over it. (CULCHARD _shudders slightly, and +presently pats his pockets_.) What's up now? Nothing gone wrong with +the works, eh? + +_Culch._ (_with dignity_). No--I was merely feeling for my note-book. +I had a sudden idea for a sonnet, that's all. + +_Podb._ Ah, you shouldn't have touched those mussels they gave us with +the sole. Have a nip of this cognac, and you'll soon be all right. + + [_CULCHARD scribbles in lofty abstraction; PODBURY hums; + Mr. CYRUS K. TROTTER, and his daughter, MAUD S. TROTTER, + come out by the glass door of the Salon de Lecture, and seat + themselves at an adjoining table_. + +_Miss Trotter_. Well, I guess it's gayer out here, anyway. That +Reading Saloon is just about as lively as a burying lot with all the +tombs unlet. I want the address of that man who said that Brussels was +a second Parrus. + +_Mr. Trotter_. Maybe we ain't been long enough off the cars to +jedge yet. Do you feel like putting on your hat and sack, and sorter +smellin' round this capital? + +_Miss T._ Not any. I expect the old city will have to curb its +impatience to see me till to-morrow. I'm tired some. + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Confound it, how can I--! (_Looks up, and +observes_ Miss T. _with a sudden attention_). That fellow PODBURY +has better taste than I gave him credit for. She _is_ pretty--in her +peculiar style--_quite_ pretty! Pity she speaks with that deplorable +accent. + + [_Writes--"Vermilion lips that sheathe a parrot tongue," and + runs over all the possible rhymes to "tongue."_ + +_Podb._ (_observing that his pencil is idle_). Gas cut off again? Come +for a toddle. You don't mean to stick here all the evening, eh? + +_Culch._ Well, we might take a turn later on, and see the effect of +St. Gudule in the moonlight. + +_Podb._ Something _like_ a rollick that! But what do you say to +dropping in quietly at the Eden for an hour or so, eh? Variety show +and all that going on. + +_Culch._ Thanks--variety shows are not much in my line; but don't mind +me if you want to go. + + [_PODBURY wanders off, leaving CULCHARD free to observe + Miss TROTTER._ + +_Miss T._ CHARLEY writes he's having a lovely time in Germany going +round. I guess he isn't feeling so cheap as he did. I wish he'd come +along right here. + +_Mr. T._ I presume he's put in all the time he had for Belgium--likely +we'll fetch up against him somewhere before he's through. + +_Miss T._ Well, and I don't care how soon we do, either. CHARLEY's +a bright man, and real cultivated. I'm always telling him that he's +purrfectly splendid company, considering he's only a cousin. + +_Mr. T._ That's so every time. I like CHARLEY VAN BOODELER first-rate +myself. + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). If CHARLEY VAN BOODELER was _engaged_ to +her, I suppose he'd be here. Pshaw! What _does_ it matter? Somehow, I +rather wish now that I'd--but perhaps we shall get into conversation +presently. Hang it, here's that fellow PODBURY back again! Wish to +goodness he'd-- (_To PODBURY._) Hallo, so you haven't started yet? + +_Podb._ Been having a talk with the porter. He says there's a big fair +over by the Station du Midi, and it's worth seeing. Are you game to +come along and sample it, eh? + +_Culch._ (with an easy indifference intended for_ Miss T.'s _benefit_). +No, I think not, thanks. I'm very comfortable where I am. + + [_He resumes his writing._ + +_Podb._ Well, it's poor fun having to go alone! + + [_He is just going, when Mr. TROTTER rises and comes towards + him._ + +_Mr. T._ You'll excuse me, Sir, but did I overhear you remark that +there was a festivity in progress in this city? + +_Podb._ So I'm told; a fair, down in the new part. I could tell you +how to get to it, if you thought of going. + +_Mr. T._ Well, I don't see how I should ever strike that fair for +myself, and I guess if there's anything to be seen we're bound to +_see_ it, so me and my darter--allow me to introduce my darter to +you--MAUD, this gentleman is Mr.--I don't think I've caught your name, +Sir--PODBURY?--Mr. PODBURY who's kindly volunteered to conduct us +round. + +_Miss T._ _I_ should have thought you'd want to leave the gentleman +some say in the matter, Father--not to mention me! + +_Podb._ (_eagerly_). But won't you come? Do. I shall be awfully glad +if you will! + +_Miss T._ If it makes you so glad as all that, I believe I'll come. +Though what you could say different, after Father had put it up so +steep on you, _I_ don't know. I'll just go and fix myself first. + + [_She goes._ + +_Mr. T._ (_to PODBURY_). My only darter, Sir, and a real good girl. We +come over from the States, crossed a month ago to-day, and seen a +heap already. Been runnin' all over Scotland and England, and kind of +looked round Ireland and Wales, and now what _we've_ got to do is to +see as much as we can of Germany and Switzerland and It'ly, and get +some idea of France before we start home this fall. I guess we're +both of us gettin' pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was +sayin' to me on'y this evening at _table d'hôte_, "Father," she sez, +"the vurry first thing we'll do when we get home is to go and hev a +good square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat cakes +and maple syrup." Don't seem as if we _could_ git along without maple +syrup _much_ longer. (_Miss TROTTER returns._) You never mean going +out without your gums? + +_Miss T._ I guess it's not damp here--any--(_To PODBURY._) Now you're +going to be _Mary_, and Father and I have got to be the little lambs +and follow you around. + + [_They go out, leaving CULCHARD annoyed with himself and + everybody else, and utterly unable to settle down, to his + sonnet again._ + +IN AN UPPER CORRIDOR, TWO HOURS LATER. + +_Culch._ (_coming upon Podbury_). So you've got rid of your Americans +at last, eh? + +_Podb._ _I_ was in no hurry, I can tell you. She's a ripping little +girl--tremendous fun. What do you think she asked me about _you_? + +_Culch._ (_stiff, but flattered_). I wasn't aware she had honoured me +by her notice. What _was_ it? + +_Podb._ Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and wanted to know +if you were my tutor. My tutor! [_He roars._ + +_Culch._ I hope you--ah--undeceived her? + +_Podb._ Rather! Told her it was t'other way round, and I was looking +after _you_. Said you were suffering from melancholia, but were not +absolutely dangerous. + +_Culch._ If that's your idea of a joke, all I can say is-- + + [_He chokes with rage._ + +_Podb._ (_innocently_). Why, my dear chap, I thought you wanted 'em +kept out of your way! + + [_CULCHARD slams his bedroom door with temper, leaving + PODBURY outside, still chuckling._ + + * * * * * + +THE WRONG OF SEARCH. + +(_A DREAM OF THE BRITISH INQUISITION._) + +The unfortunate foreigner, travel-stained and suffering from the +after-glow of a stormy passage, crawled up the gangway and was once +more on land. He carried in his hand a portmanteau. + +"Have you anything to declare?" asked an official, in a gold-peaked +cap and blue frock coat, gruffly. + +"Only that your seas are terrible," was the reply. + +The official made no answer, but merely pointed to some planks that +had been placed upon trestles. The foreigner glanced at the people +who were standing in front of these planks, and noticed that they were +pale with apprehension. + +"Have you anything to declare?" was a second time uttered--now by a +person less gold-laced. Then the official continued, "Here, open it!" + +In a moment the portmanteau was thrown with force on the planks, and +the foreigner protested. + +"I understand you now. I have no cigars--I do not smoke. I have no +spirits--I am what you call a teatotaller. I have no lace--I am a +widower." + +"Open it!" was once more the cry--this time with great vehemence. + +"But I am innocent of concealing anything! Believe me, there is +nothing to declare! I have some photographic plates--to open them +is ruin! I prize my shirts--they are heirlooms--if they are roughly +handled I can never wear them again." And the foreigner wrung his +hands in his despair. + +"If you will not open it," replied the official, unmoved by his +eloquent appeal, "we shall detain your luggage." + +"But this is barbarous--cruel," continued the foreigner, answering +with excitement. "I have been to Constantinople with its mosques, and +the Turks have treated me with greater consideration. I have seen the +glories of Rome with its Forum, the splendours of Petersburg with its +fortress prison, the treasures of Madrid with its art gallery--and +everywhere--everywhere I have been treated with greater kindness, +greater charity than here! And yet you say this is the land of the +brave and the free!" + +"We say nothing of the sort," retorted the official; "we say, open +it!" + +The foreigner, whose pallor was fearful to see, with his teeth +clenched and his eyes starting from his head, put the key into the +portmanteau lock, turned it, and the contents of the box was revealed +to view. + +In a moment the officials were upon it--thrusting their inquisitive +hands here, there, and everywhere. There was a salad of boots, +waistcoats, collars and brushes. At length they came to the +photographic plates--they were removed in a trice from their +receptacle, and held up to the light. + +"Have you no hearts!" cried the foreigner, his face streaming +with tears. "In a moment you have undone the labour of years! That +plate--now destroyed for ever--when properly developed would have +revealed the smiling features of my wife's mother! It took me a +quarter of a century to catch her with such an expression! For when +she saw me she always frowned. But ah, my shirts, my heirlooms! In the +name of mercy, spare my shirts!" + +But no, once more the appeal was disregarded. The small portmanteau +was turned inside out. This the official chalked. + +"So this is one of the habits of the English," cried the foreigner, +bitterly. + +"Not only the habits, Monsieur," observed a bystander, who trembling +with apprehension, was waiting his turn; "but the customs. Customs +that are out of date with the age. Customs that are contrary to the +spirit of the century. Customs that cost more than they yield, and +deserve to be cussed!" + +"They do," cried the foreigner, excitedly. "May the Customs be--" + +"You must not utter that word," interrupted the Revenue Officer, in a +tone of peremptory command. + +"It is British; why not?" + +But although the foreigner was baffled in his desire to use the +appropriate imprecation--he thought it! + + * * * * * + +MOTH-EATEN. + +[Illustration] + + It is a stifling night; I sit + With windows open wide; + And the fragrance of the rose is blown + And also the musk outside, + There's plenty of room for the moths out there + In the cool and pleasant gloom; + And yet these mad insectual beasts + Will swarm into my room. + + I've thrown so many things at him, + And thrown them all so hard; + There goes the sofa-cushion; that + Missed him by half a yard. + My hot tears rain; my young heart breaks + To see him dodging thus; + It is not right for him to be + So coy--so devious. + + As I sit by my duplex lamp, + And write, and write, and write; + They come and drown in the blue-black ink, + Or fry themselves in the light. + They pop, and drop, and flop, and hop, + Like catherine-wheels at play; + And die in pain down the back of my neck + In a most repulsive way. + + There's a brown moth on the ceiling. He + Makes slow and bumpy rounds; + Then stops and sucks the whitewash off-- + He must have eaten pounds. + He's only waiting for his chance + To take me unaware, + And then the brute will drop, and make + His death-bed in my hair. + + Why do they do it? Why--ah! why? + The dews of night are damp, + But the place to dry one's self is not + The chimney of a lamp. + And sultriness engenders thirst, + But the best, the blue-black ink, + Cannot be satisfactory + Regarded as a drink. + + They are so very many, and + I am so very few-- + They are so hard to hit, and so + Elusive to pursue-- + That in the garden I will wait + Until the dawning light, + Until the moths all go by day + Where I wish they'd go by night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN--IF POSSIBLE! + +_Sympathetic Lady Guest_. "DON'T BE UNHAPPY ABOUT THE RAIN, DEAR MRS. +BOUNDERSON--IT WILL SOON BE OVER, AND YOUR GARDEN WILL BE LOVELIER +THAN EVER!" + +_Little Mrs. Goldmore Bounderson_ (_who is giving her first Garden +Party_). "YES; BUT I'M AFRAID IT WILL KEEP MY MOST DESIRABLE GUESTS +FROM COMING!"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE BRIDGE! + +(_A MUCH MODERNISED VERSION OF "THE VISION OF MIRZAH."_) + +On the second day of the week, commonly called Saint Monday (which +according to the Customs of my Forefathers, I always keep as Holiday), +after having washed myself, and offered up my Morning Devotions at the +shrine of Nicotine, I turned over the pages of _Bradshaw_, with a view +to passing the rest of the day in some more or less Rural Retirement. + +As I was here confusing myself with the multitudinous Complexities +of this recondite Tome, I fell into a profound Contemplation of the +Vanity of human Holiday-making; and, passing from one puzzling page +to another, Surely, said I, Man is but a Muddler and Life a Maze! + +"Right you are!" sounded a mysterious voice in my ear. + +The Sound of the voice was exceeding Sweet, and wrought into a +variety of inflections. It put me in mind of those heavenly Airs that +are played from the tops of closely-packed wheeled Vehicles, from +many-keyed Concertinas upon Bank-Holidays. My Heart melted away in +Secret Raptures. By which signs I--who had read my _Spectator_ at the +Free Library--knew well that I was in the company of a Genius! It is +only Genii who drop upon one suddenly and unannounced, with a more or +less pertinent commentary upon one's Inner Thoughts, in this fashion. +I felt at once that I was in for the true Addisonian Oriental Apologue +in all its hybrid incongruity. + +I drew near with that Reverence which is due to a Superior--if +nondescript Nature; and as my Heart was entirely subdued by the +captivating Voice I had heard, I fell down at his Feet and wept. I +could hardly have explained why, but 'tis the sort of thing one always +does in an Eastern Apologue. The Genius smiled upon me with a Look of +Compassion and Affability that familiarised him to my Imagination, at +once dispelled all the Fears and Apprehensions with which I approached +him, and turned off my Tearfulness "at the main," as _Samuel Weller_ +said, concerning the Mulberry One. He lifted me from the ground, and, +taking me by the hand, "MIRZAH," said he, "I have heard thee in thy +Soliloquies; follow me!" + +Now, my name is _not_ MIRZAH, but MATTHEW. Yet, after all, it did not +much matter, and I felt it would be in questionable taste to correct a +Genius. + +He then led me to the highest Pinnacle of a Rock, and, placing me on +the Top of it, "Cast thy Eyes yonder," said he, "and tell me what +thou seest." "I see," said I, "a huge Valley, and a prodigious Roadway +running through it." "The Valley that thou seest," said he, "is the +Vale of Travel, and the Roadway that thou beholdest is part of the +great Railway System." "What is the Reason," said I, "that the Roadway +I see rises out of a thick Mist at one End, and again loses itself +in a thick Mist at the other?" "Monopoly and Muddle freely engender +Mists," responded the Genius. "Examine now," said he, "the Roadway +that is bounded with Darkness at both ends, and tell me what thou +discoverest in it." "I see a Bridge," said I, "standing in the midst +of the Roadway." "Consider it attentively," said he. + +Upon a more leisurely Survey of it--a Survey which, meseemed, it would +have been well had Others made with similar Attentiveness--I found +that the Arch thereof looked shaky and insecure; moreover, that a +Great and Irregular-shaped Cleft or Crack ran, after the fashion of a +Lightning-flash in a Painted Sea-scape, athwart the structure thereof +from Keystone to Coping. As I was regarding this unpleasing Portent, +the Genius told me that this Bridge was at first of sound and +scientific construction, but that the flight of Years, Wear and Tear, +vehement Molecular Vibration, and, above all, Negligent Supervision, +had resulted in its present Ruinous Condition. + +"But tell me further," said he, "what thou discoverest on it." + +"I see," said I, "if my eyes and the dark Mists and Shadows deceive me +not, a Figure couched upon the Parapet of the centre Arch thereof." +As I looked more attentively, I saw that this figure was of a Spectral +appearance, and Bony withal; albeit, its contours were to some +extent hidden by its clinging cerement-like garments, and the equally +clinging and charnel-like shades surrounding it. + +[Illustration: ON THE BRIDGE!] + +Only an Attent, and, as it were, complacently Anticipative Visage, of +an osseous and ogreish Aspect, gleamed lividly forth therefrom, as the +Apparition appeared to Look and Listen through the Mist at one end of +the Bridge for the welcome Sight of Disaster, the much desired Sound +of Doom. A shrill and sibilant Metallic Shriek seemed to cleave the +Shadows into which the Spectre gazed; a Violent Vibratory Pulsation, +as of thudding iron nails threshing upon a resonant steel floor, +seemed to heat the Roadway, shake the Bridge, and as it appeared to +me to widen the levin-like Cleft or Crack which disfigured the Arch +thereof. + +Then did I quake inwardly and breathe short. "What, O Genius," I +cried, "signifieth the Spectre, who thus sitteth On the Bridge, what +forebodeth the Aspect of eager Anticipation, and for what doth he so +gloatingly and expectantly Wait?" + +"This," responded the Genius, gravely, "is Insatiate Death waiting for +Inevitable Accident!" + +I gazed with inexpressible melancholy upon the unhappy Scene. At +length said I, "Show me now, I beseech thee, the Secrets that lie hid +under those dark Mists which cover the regions to the right which you +suggest are the realms of Monopoly and Muddle." The Genius making me +no Answer, I turned about to address myself to him a Second time, but +I found that he had left me. I then turned again to the Vision, but +instead of the Roadway, the arched Bridge and the Attent Anatomy, +I saw nothing but my own parlour, and my wife MARY picking up the +_Bradshaw's Guide_ which had fallen from my sleep-relaxed hand. + + * * * * * + +On that particular Saint Monday I took, not as I had intended, a +Railway Excursion to Rural Parts, but, telling MARY--to her manifest +concern--that I Had Altered my Mind as regarded our Holiday, I +betook myself to the "Blue Boar" at the corner, and passed the day in +Safety--and Solitary Smoking! Next morning, however, I read something +in the papers which led me to believe that Railwaydom Aroused meant +exorcising and evicting that Sinister Spectre, "regardless of Cost;" +and I shall look forward to my next Holiday Outing with a mind +Relieved and Reassured. + + * * * * * + +BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE. + +[Illustration] + + The man who got in at Blackfriars + Was smoking the foulest of briars, + But it went out all right-- + Could I give him a light?-- + Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars. + + I've frequently noticed the Temple + Is a place there are not enough rhymes to; + And that's why I've made + This verse somewhat blank, + And rather disregarded the metre. + + How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross? + It's a point where I'm quite at a loss. + Some people, of course, + Would rhyme it with "horse," + But I always rhyme it with "hoss." + + A woman at Westminster Bridge + Had got just a speck on the ridge + Of her Romanesque nose. + "It's a black, I suppose," + She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge. + + One man from the Park of St. James, + Had really the loftiest aims; + In the hat-rack he sat, + Used my hair as a mat, + And when I demurred called me names. + + I bought from the stall at Victoria + A horrible sixpenny story, a + Book of a kind + It pained me to find + For sale at our English emporia. + + I found when I got to Sloane Square + That my ticket was gone; my despair + Was awful to see, + Till at last to my glee + I looked in my hat--it was there! + + * * * * * + +'ILL-LUMINANTS! + + ["Sir E. WATKIN is about to introduce the Electric Light on + the summit of Snowdon."--_Daily Paper_.] + +Just started up Snowdon by Sir E. WATKIN's combined Galvano-Electric +and Pneumatic Despatch Line, from Llanberis. Goes nearly to top. What +a blessing! Saved all the bother of the mount. Go in tennis-shoes, as +I'm told there's next to no climbing to be done. + +Splendid day for view. Comfortable carriages. Hullo! what's this? +Find myself suddenly shot into a mountain tarn. A Yankee would call +it "tarnation cold." Get out dripping. Guard of train explains that +"battery must be rather too strong this morning." Train put on line +again. Up we go! Shivery. If I'd known this sort of thing went on, I'd +have brought towels. + +At Terminus, three-quarters way up, in a bleak and exposed crag, +plastered with advertisements. Day not quite so glorious. Fog coming +on. Or is it "Scotch mist?" But what has a Scotch mist to do in Wales? +Ask engine-driver's opinion. He has none. "Then which is the way +up?" Doesn't know. "_His_ way is down." Must speak to Sir E.W. about +engine-driver. + +Ascent continued. Leads down-hill. Curious. Sound of dashing waterfall +close by. _Must_ see it. Turn round a corner. No waterfall at all, +only the Electric-Light-generating station! Noise I heard was the +"machinery in motion." _Query_--does an iron shed with chimney pouring +out factory smoke, add to charms of wild scenery? + +More surprises! Find an "Automatic Delivery" pillar! Curious sight +on a mountain. Put a penny in, and you get a small book--_Guide to +Snowdonia_. Thanks! But what I want is a guide to top. Fog worse than +ever. Believe I've missed my way. + +_Five hours later_.--I _had_. Shoes utterly worn out. Awfully, tired. +Hit on top by mere accident. Resting in new hotel. Scrumptious, but +dear. Don't care! Electric Light. What system? Waiter says "Brush." +Must be 'air-brush up here, I fancy! Anyhow no good in a fog. Shall +suggest foghorn to Sir E. WATKIN for thick weather. Also guides +waiting at Crag Terminus. Bottle of beer. Divine! View? None, and +don't want any. More beer. Electric Light better than I thought. +Electricity is life. Electricity is also beer. More beer, please! +Waiter asks "if I sleep at top?" Beds only two guineas a night. Of +course I do! "Then shall he wake me for sunrise?" He'd better _not_. +Goo' night! Sowdn--mean Snowdn--great sksess. + + * * * * * + +HER VIOLETS! + +[Illustration] + + She gave them to me when the dance was done, + Her eyes all lighted with the ecstasy + Of triumph in the crushing contest won, + Of all the joy of girlish victory. + She gave them to me as we mounted up, + With all the bold effrontery that dares + To face the aged ones, who've come to sup, + And sidles off to alcoves on the stairs. + + She gave them to me, but some sprays, I know, + All dying then, as though life's task were laid + To rest within that burning breast of snow; + And there the last great debt of all were paid. + She gave them to me, and my heart did beat, + As o'er my hope a greater promise came, + And up the narrow way with steps so fleet + She went, though I remember'd not her name. + + She gave them to me, and I vow'd that they + Should lie upon my heart till years had fled, + Till, passing through life's narrow, thorny way, + They'd rest with me when life's own leaves were dead. + And thus I spoke, and then we wrote the deed, + With fervid seal upon the heart's own slab-- + Alas! alas! how memory runs to seed!-- + I left her Violets in a beastly cab! + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +WATER SUPPLY.--Yes, we have read about the quantities of poisoned +fish floating in the river somewhere near the "intake" of the Water +Companies, and agree with you that under such circumstances the +pretence of supplying a drinkable fluid is somewhat of a "take-in." +But surely it is hardly necessary to adopt the extreme step you +contemplate, of stationing an expert Thames fisherman at the side of +your cistern night and day, in order to catch any fish that may come +through the pipes. The Companies' filtering system may not be worth +much, but it ought to be able to keep out something under the size of +a whale. + +HOLIDAY TRAVELLING.--You say that recent disclosures about Railway +Bridges have made you nervous. The plan of personally inspecting +every bridge your train will pass over on your way to Scotland is +an excellent one, if you have time for it. Possibly also, a Railway +Manager might agree to put a specially light engine to your train. +As you say you are going to take a couple of tourist tickets, third +class, it would probably pay him well to make any little alteration of +that kind. + +IMPECUNIOSITY.--We cannot help you. Reading the Riot Act and then +assaulting them with a poker is not the best way of getting the +Bailiffs out of a house. Try gentle persuasion. If you have recently +had a case of black typhus in the house, you might mention the fact to +them, and see what they say. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LADIES IN THE HOUSE. THE SUCCESS OF THE SEASON.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.] + +THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON. + +SIR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS COVENT-GARDENIUS HARRIS, C.C.C.] + + * * * * * + +THE RULE OF THREE. + +(A POSSIBLE SCENE OF THE FUTURE.) + + PLAN OF ACTION.--_Somewhere conveniently situated for + all parties. The King, the Kaiser, and the Emperor, + discovered discussing the Treaty that has now been in force + for some years._ + +_Kaiser_ (_with assumed cheerfulness_). Well, my dear Brothers, it is +really time you should do something. It is not on my own account that +I am anxious, but on yours--purely on yours. + +_King_ (_dryly_). Certainly! + +_Emperor_ (_with a smile_). No doubt! Pray proceed. + +_Kaiser_ (_addressing Italy_). Well, my dear friend, as I am afraid +we are on the eve of a contest with France, I must beg of you to place +three Army Corps upon your Alpine frontiers. + +_King_ (_with assumed surprise_). Why should I do this? It will be +most inconvenient! + +_Kaiser_. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty. + +_Emperor_ (_interposing_). Your pardon, that stipulation was +suppressed at King HUMBERT's request. + +_Kaiser_ (_annoyed_). Oh, was it! Then, my friend, perhaps you will +be so good (as my relations with the CZAR are strained almost to +breaking), as to station troops on the Russian frontier beyond Cracow. + +_Emperor_ (_with improvised astonishment_). Why should I do this? It +will be most inconvenient. + +_Kaiser_. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty. + +_King_ (_interposing_). Your pardon; that stipulation was suppressed +at the request of the Emperor of AUSTRIA. + +_Kaiser_. Oh, was it? (_Losing his temper._) Then I consider the whole +affair as gross a swindle as-- + +_Emperor_ (_interrupting_). Nay, Sire, remember your birth and +position! It is a passing annoyance, but it should not move you. +Remember, you are a Hohenzollern! Let me offer you a cigarette. + +_Kaiser_ (_calming down_). Well, perhaps I had better be quiet. It is +more dignified. + +_King_ (_helping himself to the Emperor's cigarette-case_). Let me +join you. + +_Kaiser_. But I say, what use is the Treaty to either of us? + +_Emperor_ (_with a smile_). Properly treated, it is of service to us +all. (_Lights it, and offers it to his two partners_). It will serve +as a spill for our cigarettes! [_Scene closes in upon the Treaty +ending in smoke._ + + * * * * * + +WELL DONE, DEAR! + + We've levelled farms, we've planted trees, + And many mighty men of means + Have shot at deer, and, if you please, + A DEAR has shot and won the Queen's! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 20_.--"Man and boy I've sat in this +House for seven years," said WHITTAKER ELLIS, as he reposed behind +Ministers diffusing a sense of aldermanic respectability over an +appreciable area of space; "never have I seen Irish Estimates got +through in this style. LORD LIEUTENANT has his salary voted without +a word of comment, and CHIEF SECRETARY will, I believe, get his in a +couple of hours. Have known the time when it wasn't done in a couple +of nights." + +[Illustration: Aldermanic Respectability.] + +Strange indeed the scene; not thirty Members present whilst the +Woluminous WEBB goes all the way back to the Tipperary riots in search +of text for dreary observations; then fearsome speeches by FLYNN and +P.J. POWER. Some fillip to proceedings when JORDAN rolls in. + +JORDAN is Member of Parliament for Clare, as he once or twice +incidentally remarked. Evidently much impressed by distinction. +House laughs at reiterated claim. The billows of Jordan rise; had +no personal objection to Prince ARTHUR, he said, but "as Member of +Parliament for Clare" had to complain of him in his official capacity. +What had he done? "He has given Clare such a resident Magistrate as +CECIL ROCHE, a low tyrannical man, who ordered a low policeman to +seize me--me, Member of Parliament for Clare." + +JORDAN glared round on laughing House; quite incomprehensible what +they should be guffawing at. Marvel increased when he introduced +Father GILLIKAN on the scene, + +[Illustration: "Member of Parliament for Clare."] + +"What had happened to Father GILLIKAN?" JORDAN roared, fixing a +bloodshot eye on ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, who had just dropped in on Treasury +Bench. "Why, Father GILLIKAN had been sent to prison for a speech +delivered in the middle of the River Shannon." + +House shouted with laughter; began again when JORDAN explained that +Father GILLIKAN, though he had been making a speech in the middle +of the River Shannon at the moment of his arrest, was primarily in a +boat. Even that didn't mend matters, and JORDAN, giving up attempt to +understand ill-timed hilarity of House, dried up. + +Later, TIM HEALY turned up, TIM TRUCULENT no more. Where was the +excited crowd he was wont to address in Sessions of not very long +ago--the jeering Ministerialists, the applauding Liberals, the +enthusiastic band of united Irishmen, with PARNELL sitting placid in +their midst, he only quiet amid the turbulent throng? Now the House +more than half empty; the audience irresponsive; Prince ARTHUR sitting +solitary on Treasury Bench with head bowed to hide the blushes that +had mantled his cheek at hearing TIM extol his improvement since, in +1887, he tried his prentice hand as Chief Secretary. Prince ARTHUR, +when he rises, is careful not to introduce a discordant note. He has, +he says, listened with interest to the able speech of the Hon. and +learned Gentleman, the Member for North Longford. There must be a +division for decency's sake; but only 150 Members turn up, and no one +would have been greatly surprised if Prince ARTHUR and TIM HEALY had +walked off arm in arm into the same lobby. + +[Illustration: Lalor's Lament.] + +"Shade of me departed frind, JOSEPH GILLIS," said LALOR, wearily +rising to go forth to the division, "what d'ye think of us, suppose +this night you chance to be looking down from whatever answers with +you to the Strangers' Gallery, where you used to betake yourself after +being suspended?" + +_Business done_.--Irish Votes in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday_.--The alliance, offensive and defensive, established between +the two Houses of Legislature by Lord DENMAN and Mr. ATKINSON been +temporarily blighted by machinations of the enemy. + +DENMAN, the other night, wanted to move for return showing how many +times he had been in attendance. House said it didn't particularly +care to know. DENMAN insisted; then the MARKISS, as usual, appeared on +the scene, and moved that DENMAN shouldn't be heard for remainder of +sitting. DENMAN, never at loss in Parliamentary strategy, wanted to +move that the MARKISS's motion should be put from Chair on that day +ten months. But LORD CHANCELLOR, well known to be in league with the +MARKISS, promptly put question. Before DESMAN knew where he was (a not +unfamiliar access of haziness) Motion put, declared to be carried, and +he condemned to sit silent for rest of evening. + +Same tactics, slightly varied, carried on to effacement of other wing +of allied forces. ATKINSON wanted to put question to JOKIM about his +Coinage Bill. Took some pains in framing it; handed it in at +table; next day question appeared on paper shorn of its oratorical +excellencies. + +"How is this?" says ATKINSON, addressing the SPEAKER. + +"Question full of errors," SPEAKER explained. + +"Will the Right Hon. Gentleman kindly state them?" said ATKINSON, +folding his arms, and looking triumphantly round the House. Had the +SPEAKER now. He would go into particulars. Sure to leave opening for +master of argumentative tactics; ATKINSON would dart in and pink him +amid applause of Senate. Public business might be delayed, but what of +that? House liked intellectual treat. + +SPEAKER, however, not so unwary as he looked. Took no notice of +ATKINSON's inquiry; went on to next business. ATKINSON wrote to Clerks +for explanation. No reply; so to-day gives notice of Vote of Censure +on SPEAKER and Clerks. + +"Sorry to be driven to this course, dear TOBY," he said, when I +ventured to remonstrate with him on his remorseless career; "have the +greatest respect for the SPEAKER; shrink from depriving the Clerks at +table of means of livelihood. But an example must be made. Effect not +confined to walls of this Chamber. My Motion of Censure on the SPEAKER +will strike terror to the House of Lords, and go long way to deliver +my noble friend DENMAN from thraldom under which a too sensitive +nature lies bound hand and foot. The House need apprehend no +inconvenience to the course of public business. Last night, in +response to a bait artfully thrown out by Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, I felt it +my duty to rise in my place and announce that nothing would induce me +to take office under the Crown. But in the matter of the SPEAKER, I +shall recognise my personal responsibility, and when, in consequence +of my Motion of Censure, he withdraws into private life, _I_ will take +the Chair." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Thursday_.--Haven't seen SEYMOUR KEAY lately. Report in House is, +that he has been close and interested attendant on CATHCART case. +Rumour receives some confirmation from circumstance that to-day, +CATHCART case concluded, KEAY suddenly turns up full of spirits +and valuable information. Subject (Land Purchase Bill back from +Lords) particularly attractive to him, since it is bristling with +obscurities. Once, when a Lords Amendment submitted, TIM HEALY asked +what it meant. MADDEN sprang up with reassuring alacrity and said a +few words, apparently of explanation. Didn't clear up anything; TIM +insisted on wanting to know, you know; MADDEN nervously read and +reread Amendment, couldn't make head or tale of it, but wouldn't do +for ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND to say so. Accordingly smiled on TIM +with pitying air of superiority. "Couldn't understand what the Lords +meant by their Amendment? Well, well; surprised at such confession +from one of TIM's acuteness." + +Prince ARTHUR all the while turning over Amendment; at length +interposed. "The Hon. and learned Gentleman opposite," he observed, +"asks for an explanation of this Amendment; I frankly tell him I +cannot give it. I don't understand it myself, and as it would be +undesirable to include in the Act a provision that might lead to +controversy, we will strike it out." + +"And thus are our laws made!" said SHIRESS WILLS, throwing out his +hands in astonishment. + +[Illustration: "Thus are our Laws made!"] + +Certainly a narrow escape. It was after this that KEAY's +patent-leather boots glistened on the floor of House as he walked up +to take seat below Gangway. Determined to make up for lost time; led +astray in all directions; SPEAKER called him to order with increasing +sternness; HENNIKER HEATON asked if he might move that for rest of +Session he be no longer heard; SPEAKER evidently sorely tempted; here +was a short sure way out of the difficulty. Faltered a moment, then +rose heroically to sense of duty; put aside proposal, and KEAY went +on again for another half-hour. "A long rigmarole," JOKIM called the +speech. This not Parliamentary, but no one objected. + +_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill got ready for Royal Assent. + +_Friday._--Nothing can exceed MORTON's obliging disposition; talked +for half an hour just now on subject of fortune-telling. Members +can't prevent ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS from making speeches, but they needn't +listen; so kept up lively conversation whilst ALPHEUS talked to +CLEOPHAS. When he sat down, it appeared he had desired that his +remarks should reach ear of Home Secretary; concluded by asking +question; MATTHEWS unwarily protested, that, owing to noise in House, +he had not been able to catch the drift of the Hon. Gentleman's +remarks. + +"Oh, very well," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, "I'll repeat them." + +"No! no!" MATTHEWS almost shrieked. + +"No trouble at all," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, and he set off again, +making his speech once more. _Business done._--Very little. + + * * * * * + +FOR THE BENEFIT OF ZOILUS. + +SHAKSPEARE speaks of "the maiden virtue of the Crown." And the word +"maiden" bears, in certain constructions, the meanings, "fresh, new, +youthful, &c." But when _Mr. Punch_, comparing generally "Fifty Years +Syne" with To-day, says:-- + + "Then HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the Throne," + +"A SEPTUAGENARIAN" acidly objects, and twits _Mr. Punch_ with +premature failure of memory. "Aha! I know that man!" says _Mr. P._ +_Mr. Punch_, of course, merely meant that about fifty years ago HER +MAJESTY was a very youthful Sovereign. Moreover, the comparison made +between "Then and Now" was not intended to be confined rigorously to +"July 17, 1841," as is shown in the previous stanza, which says:-- + + "Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song which moved a world to tears," + +meaning "_The Song of the Shirt_," which, as explained in a footnote, +was not published until 1843. Had _Mr. Punch_ written with the fear of +ZOILUS before his eyes, he might have appended _another_ foot-note, to +explain--for the benefit of ZOILUS--that he did _not_ mean to convey +the idea that HER MAJESTY was unmarried when _he_ first made his +appearance. Whereto the reply of the Public--all but ZOILUS--would +probably have been, "Whoever supposed you _did_?" + + * * * * * + +"THEN YOU'LL REMEMBER ME!"--Among the names of those who, within the +last ten years, have done good work for _Mr. Punch_ ought to have +appeared that of Mr. SAVILE CLARKE, whose _cri du coeur_ from foreign +shores has reached _Mr. P.'s_ ears and touched _Mr. P.'s_ heart. + + * * * * * + +L'ENTENTE CORDIALE.--A portion of the French Fleet is soon to be +entertained on English shores. The first of these vessels sighted as +it approaches will be sufficient evidence of their French ship towards +us. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, August 1, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13466.txt or 13466.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/6/13466/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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