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diff --git a/13466-0.txt b/13466-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aab57a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13466-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1410 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13466 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +August 1, 1891. + + + + +THE PRINCE. + +(_A LETTER FROM NICOLA PUNCIO MACHIAVELLI TO THE MOST ILLUSTRIOUS +VITTORIO EMANUELE, SON OF UMBERTO, KING OF ITALY._) + +I. + +There never was, nor is at this day, any man in the world who is not +either a Prince or not a Prince. Seeing, therefore, that your Highness +appertains of right to the class of them that are Princes, and being +ambitious to present to your Highness that which should have the +chiefest value in your eyes, I could not (though pondering much) deem +anything more precious than the knowledge of men and of governments +which I have learned through a space of half a hundred years. +Forasmuch as your Highness hath travelled over stormy seas to the +island of the British folk, I do presume to present to your Highness, +as being one that seeketh wisdom, the ripe fruit of my knowledge, in +order that your Highness may suck thereout such advantage as those who +love your land chiefly desire both for yourself and for them to whose +government you shall in the future be called. + +II.--_HOW A PRINCE IS TO GAIN REPUTATION._ + +To begin, then, I say it would be advantageous to be accounted both +liberal and of a like nature unto other men that are not Princes. For +although the majority of mankind be penurious and apt to hoard their +money, and although in their assembly the British make a show of +niggardliness, imputing it to themselves for a virtue, nevertheless, +if they discern in a Prince such inclinations as they praise in +themselves, no nation was ever quicker to blame or decry. For each +holds in private that while he himself is generous, the rest are +mean and covetous. Therefore, I counsel you let your conduct in the +bestowal both of snuff-boxes, which no man at this day uses, and of +scarf-pins, which are a delight to many, be so ordered that men may +think of you as one that with a true generosity performs such acts as +each of them, were he a Prince, would perform as well. + +[Illustration] + +Likewise if there be those who wish to read unto you addresses of +loyal welcome, it is not well to flout them publicly by showing signs +of sleep; since it is the fashion of municipalities and Mayors to +hold themselves to be of high importance, and a wise flattery of this +self-deception well becomes you. And in replying, let your speech +be both short and homely. The present German Emperor came lately +among this people, and, having spoken aloud of the kindness of his +Grandmamma, at once the hearts of all of them that are or hope to be +grandmammas, or have themselves possessed a grandmamma, were moved to +him so that he was accounted one of themselves from that time forth. + +Again, how honourable it is for a Prince to be outspoken, candid, and +truthful, I suppose everybody understands. Nevertheless, experience +has shown in our times that those Princes who have not pinned +themselves up to that excess of truth-speaking, have not alone secured +the love of their subjects, but have been held up as patterns of a +royal wisdom and virtue. For in the assemblages of the great that +shall be gathered in your honour, and in the banquets and receptions +wherewith it is customary to overwhelm a Prince, there must often be +those surrounding him, and holding converse with him, whose absence +would cause him joy rather than sorrow, on account of their exceeding +pompous dulness. Yet it is well at such times for a Prince to conceal +his feelings, and, though he be flattened with tedious ceremony, to +keep both a cheerful countenance and a pleasant tongue, as of one to +whom life offers a succession of the proudest and happiest moments. +There is a Prince at this time in being (but his name I shall +conceal), who can often have nothing in his mind but sorrow and +depression, so many are his labours and so great is the number of the +foundation-stones he lays; and yet, had he revealed either the one or +the other by speech or gesture, they had robbed him before this of his +power and reputation. + +III.--_OF THE WEARING OF UNIFORMS._ + +A Prince should have many uniforms, and wear them with much show and +glitter. For it is expected of Princes that before they be weaned they +should be Colonels, and should rank as Field-Marshals at a time when +other lads still trail themselves to school. It is not indeed related +of CÆSAR that he drilled a regiment at the age of six, nor of HANNIBAL +that being yet a boy he did aught but take an oath. Yet now the custom +of the world is otherwise, and a Prince who should never shine in the +array of a soldier might justly be held odious and contemptible. That +very German Emperor of whom I have spoken, won the applause of the +multitude by cuirass and helmet, and having donned a British Admiral's +uniform, was held of great account amongst a people apt for the rule +of the sea. This honour in truth falls not to all; but others, and +yourself among the number, may be made Post Captains, and wear a naval +dress both with comfort and approbation. + +IV.--_OF ITALY._ + +Here in the land to which you have come you shall find all men lovers +of Italy. For there is not one of those that watched her long and +grievous struggles, that did not welcome with a heartfelt joy her +deliverance, both from foreign yoke and from native tyrants. Here too +they know that the example of your illustrious family, the wisdom +and moderation of your father not less than the unquenchable valour +and bodily strength of your grandfather, his contempt of danger, +his devotion to duty, shone forth as a star before the eyes of all +Italians, even in their darkest hours. Who is there that hath not the +liveliest hope that all prosperity may be confirmed to that beloved +country, that she may advance from greatness to greatness, that her +kings may be just, her people free and contented. Let your illustrious +family, then, still address itself to the work with courage and +confidence, that under them Italy may stand forth an example to the +nations of the world. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--QUOTATION WANTED.--Can anybody inform me where this +exquisite line occurs-- + + "Heredity, thou mother of our race!" + +I fancy it must be by Lord TENNYSON, but I cannot find it either in +_In Memoriam_ or the _Idylls of the King_. The line has been much +admired by competent critics. A beautiful little volume of verse, +recently published, is _The Fall of Cetewayo_. Possibly the line may +be in that book.--P.S.--Is not £76 10s. 6d. too high a price to charge +for bringing out an Epic Poem of 8000 lines, even if, as is asserted, +there have been "no sales"?--LAUREATE PRESUMPTIVE. + + * * * * * + +MEREDITHOMANIA.--Miss HANNAH LYNCH (Author of _George Meredith--a +Study_) is almost incoherently angry with "the inexcusable and comical +consistency of stupidity" manifested by all those who are not, in the +fullest sense, "Meredith-men"--or women. She is, however, so dogmatic +and disdainful, that one suspects her of a tendency to substitute for +the judicial verdict of the critical judgment-seat, the arbitrary and +excessive punishment of "Lynch-law!" + + * * * * * + +WISBECH WINE.--Liberal Supply. The BRAND of 1891 acknowledged to be +quite beyond competition. + + * * * * * + +"OFF TO MASHERLAND.".--Nothing from "GRANDOLPH the Explorer" this +week. He's gone to the Diggings. + + * * * * * + +RIDING THE PIG. + + [Mr. HEALY said he did not deny that after five years of + liberal education the present Chief Secretary had greatly + improved.... In reply to Mr. BALFOUR's inquiry, whether he + could count upon Mr. HEALY's support in a Local Government + Bill for Ireland, Mr. HEALY replied, "Certainly!"] + +[Illustration] + + Ah! Spur, whip, and bridle are all very well, + For a rider's equipment includes some "Coercion," + But Jehu may need an additional spell, + Whether riding a race or for simple diversion. + There are reasons for giving a racer his head, + And some flocks are driven and others are led. + + Improved? Whillaloo! Fancy HEALY the hot + Politely approving of "BALFOUR the Brutal"! + How pleasant to picture the Pig at full trot, + Without that "hard riding" some fancy must suit all! + Too good to be true? That time only can show. + 'Tis something that Piggy should _promise_ to "go." + + Your Pig is a "gintleman,"--take him aright; + Or so those maintain who best know the 'cute creature. + If you make him "eat stick" in excess he'll show fight. + The goad and the snout-ring we've tried. This new feature-- + A lure in advance--may be worth being tried. + That Piggy _can_ go--and this rider _can_ ride! + + * * * * * + +ENTHUSIASM À LA RUSSE! + + SCENE--_A Bureau de Police at St. Petersburg. Present, + Russian Bigwig and Subordinate._ + +_Russian Bigwig_ (_reading letter_). "And they are to be received with +the greatest possible enthusiasm!" I can scarcely believe my eyes! The +Fleet of the French Republic! + +_Subordinate_ (_using a Muscovite imprecation_). _Caviare droski!_ + +_Rus. Big._ (_severely_). Slave! (Sub. _cringes_.) Another word, and +I will have you knouted to death! It is the wish of our Little Father, +the Czar of the Universe. + + [_They both fall on their knees, remove their hats, and sing + the National Hymn._ + +_Sub._ (_bowing to the ground_). And what are the Imperial wishes? + +_Rus. Big._ That not only shall the "_Marseillaise_" be tolerated when +played by the French, but also be performed by our own bands. (_With a +burst of rage._) Oh, _Caviare droski!_ + +_Sub._ (_on his knees_). I would also add an oath, O Supreme +Protector-of-the-Spirit-of-my-dead-Grandmother, had you not forbidden +that extreme expression of opinion. + +_Rus. Big._ You recall me to myself. O +Son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-TOMMY. I was wrong. But +it makes my blood boil to think that our Master and his ancestors who +scorned LOUIS PHILIPPE and NAPOLEON III. should recognise a Republic! + +_Sub._ (_aside_). Say you so--this to the CZAR--thou Nihilist! +(_Aloud._) My Lord-the-comforter-of-the-spirit-of-my-first-cousin-once- +removed-on-my-mother's-side, is indeed right! It is a painful sight! + +_Rus. Big._ (_aside_). Say you so--this to the CZAR--thou Nihilist! +(_Aloud._) But perhaps we might improve matters. Supposing that the +"_Marseillaise_" were imperfectly performed? + +_Sub._ (_with note-book_). Excellent, my Lord! excellent! It shall +be played out of tune on a score of regimental bands! Good, my Lord! +good! + +_Rus. Big._ And could not a translation be furnished suggesting ideas +foreign to the original? + +_Sub._ Again capital, my Lord. I will see that the troops have a +version that gives the old legend (stolen from us by the English) +of "The Song of Sixpence, or a pocketful of Rye-bread," as the real +translation. + +_Rus. Big._ A happy thought! The moral is wholesome. The Monarchical +principle is advocated in the approved counting out of money and +consumption of bread and honey by their Majesties, and the right of +life and death is suggested by the pecking off of the nose of the +housemaid while employed in hanging out the clothes! And about the +troops--have they been warned that they might some day be expected to +give a hated alien an enthusiastic reception? + +_Sub._ They have, my Lord. And in anticipation of such an occasion, +they have been taught for the last six months how to cheer in a +whisper. + +_Rus. Big._ Good! And now to a pleasanter duty. Have you those hundred +thousand copies of _Punch_ that were yesterday seized at the frontier? + +_Sub._ I have, my Lord! + +_Rus. Big._ (_with fiendish glee_). To Siberia with them! Come, help +me to post them! + +_Sub._ (_trembling_). But, my Lord, should _Punch_ be read by the +political prisoners who lie covered with chains in the secret mines +under the lowest mountain in the Czar's dominions? What then? + +_Rus. Big._ (_in an awesome whisper_). Mark me well! In the present +pitiable state of the prisoners, such a feast of mirth-compelling +waggery would kill them--yes, _kill_ them--with laughter! + + [_Exeunt stealthily to put this craftily-conceived plot into + guilty execution._ + + * * * * * + +A NEW LEADER. + + ["At present the followers are obliged to be amiable because + the Leader is amiable. Under the Leader I suggest they would + be less amiable, and would be at liberty to say stronger + things."--Mr. ATKINSON, M.P., _in the House of Commons_.] + +_CHORUS OF AMIABLE TORIES._ + + Hear! hear! Mr. A. We are amiable too, + For we follow our amiable Leader, like you; + But when forced to say, "Bless you!" we choke with our spleen, + And we add, _sotto voce_, "You know what I mean." + While we sit spick and span as a picture by FRITH, + And contend with our feelings, to please Mr. SMITH. + + Oh, we pule and we prate, we are nerveless and weak, + And we swallow, like _Pistol_, the odorous leek. + We palter with truth, and we flatter our foes, + And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the nose. + We are fools soft of speech, and without any pith, + For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH. + + Time was when a Member who hated the Celt + Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt. + He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in length, + Make up for their shortness by meaning and strength. + But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith, + While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH. + + So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then, + With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men: + We shall always retort with a sting when we're stung, + With the bees in our bonnet, the D's on our tongue. + And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a myth, + When an ATKINSON stands in the shoes of a SMITH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENUS IRRITABILE. + +_First Bard._ "SEEN MY SONNETS IN THE _PACIFIC WEEKLY_?" + +_Second Bard._ "YES." + +_First Bard._ "LIKE THEM?" + +_Second Bard._ "WELL,--A--_CANDIDLY_--I--" + +_First Bard._ "OH, IF IT COMES TO THAT, _CANDIDLY_ I ALWAYS HATED YOUR +BEASTLY BALLADES AND RONDELS AND ROT IN THE _ERECHTHEUM_--BUT I HAD +THE DECENCY NOT TO _TELL_ YOU SO!"] + + * * * * * + +TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION. + +THE OPTIMIST. + +The British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared. + +It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of +defence--the Army. + +The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were met with +such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery, that they had to +abandon the attempt in despair--at least for awhile. They retired +for the night, and on the following morning were in front of +Westgate-on-Sea. It was then found how wise the Committee of Home +Defence had been in their recommendation. Feeling sure that the forces +of the Crown would be ample to beat back any hostile attempt to seize +a town the centre of one of the best of charities (St. Michael's +Convalescent Home), the Committee had deprecated the suggestion of +erecting extensive fortifications. Practically Westgate was without +walls. But there was a better defence than brickwork. The Authorities +had not been idle during the night, having utilised the Pause in the +war to bring up two magnificent battalions of Militia--the 7th Rifle +Brigade and the 4th Cheshire Regiment. Thus when the enemy succeeded +in effecting a landing, they found themselves confronted by the very +flower of the British Army. In ten minutes the hostile host were +crumpled up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat. + +During the following week the entire army of the foe was allowed to +land in England, and were speedily exterminated. The contract given +out by Government to an advertising undertaker was the means of making +that contractor's fortune. Within ten days England was absolutely free +from invasion. + +"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest +tactician of the century. + +"Surprised!" echoed the other. "Why it was what we all expected from +the first!" + +THE PESSIMIST. + +The British Fleet, by a carefully calculated plan, had disappeared. +It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of +defence--the Army. + +The enemy, although somewhat depressed at the losses they had +sustained, attempted to land, and of course were successful. The +picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of the Royal Horse +Artillery, opened fire, but without the smallest effect. On the +following morning the main force of the enemy appeared in front of +Margate, the recently fortified port. It was then found how foolish +the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation. +Feeling doubtful of the means the Government would have at their +command to defend an unprotected town, they had ordered every village +on the coast to be surrounded by the most intricate network of +bricks and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these elaborate +preparations were valueless. The troops of the enemy poured into +Margate almost without opposition. The forts were silenced in five +minutes, and although on the following morning the Household Brigade +came to the rescue, the assistance thus afforded was of no avail. + +During the succeeding week the entire army of the foe was allowed to +land in England, and were immediately victorious. The contract for +finding them lodgings in London made somebody's fortune. Within a week +England was grovelling in the dust at the feet of her conquerors. + +"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest +tactician of the century. + +"Surprised!" he echoed--"why it was what we all expected from the +first!" + + * * * * * + +NEW RIDDLE (WITH THE OLD ANSWER).--Where was ISAACS when the +Balance-Sheet went out? + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. II. + + SCENE--_Courtyard of the "Grand Hôtel du Lion Belgique et + d'Albion," at Brussels. It is just after Table d'hôte; + PODBURY and CULCHARD are sitting on a covered terrace, with + coffee._ + +_Podbury_ (_producing a pipe_). Not such a bad dinner! Expect they'll +rook us a lot for it, though. Rather fun, seeing the waiters all troop +in with a fresh course, when the proprietor rang his bell. Like a +ballet at the Empire--eh? + +_Culchard_ (_selecting a cigarette_). I'm not in a position to say. I +don't affect those places of entertainment myself. + +_Podb._ Oh! Where _do_ you turn in when you want to kick up your heels +a bit? Madame Tussaud's? I say, why on earth didn't you talk to that +old bloke next to you at dinner? He was trying all he knew to be +friendly. + +_Culch._ Was he? I daresay. But I rather understood we came out with +the idea of keeping out of all that. + +_Podb._ Of course. _I'm_ not keen about getting to know people. He had +no end of a pretty daughter, though. Mean to say you didn't spot her? + +[Illustration: "Wanted to know if you were my Tutor!"] + +_Culch._ If by "spotting" you mean--was I aware of the existence of a +very exuberant young person, with a most distressing American accent? +I can only say; that she made her presence sufficiently evident. I +confess she did not interest me to the point of speculating upon her +relationship to anybody else. + +_Podb._ Well--if you come to that, I don't know that I--still, she was +uncommonly--(_Happens to glance round, and lowers his voice._) Jove! +she's in the Reading-room, just behind us. (_Hums, with elaborate +carelessness._) La di deedle-lumpty--loodle-oodle-loo-- + +_Culch._ (_who detests humming_). By the way, I wish you hadn't been +in such a hurry to come straight on. I particularly wanted to stop at +Bruges, and see the Memlings. + +_Podb._ I do like that! For a fellow who wants to keep out of people's +way! They'd have wanted you to stay to lunch and dinner, most likely. + +_Culch._ (_raising his eyebrows_). Hardly, my dear fellow--they're +pictures, as it happens. + +_Podb._ (_unabashed_). Oh, are they? Any way, you've fetched up your +average here. Weren't there enough in the Museum for you? + +_Culch._ (_pityingly_). You surely wouldn't call the collection here +exactly representative of the best period of Flemish Art? + +_Podb._ If you ask me, I should call it a simply footling show--but +you were long enough over it. (CULCHARD _shudders slightly, and +presently pats his pockets_.) What's up now? Nothing gone wrong with +the works, eh? + +_Culch._ (_with dignity_). No--I was merely feeling for my note-book. +I had a sudden idea for a sonnet, that's all. + +_Podb._ Ah, you shouldn't have touched those mussels they gave us with +the sole. Have a nip of this cognac, and you'll soon be all right. + + [_CULCHARD scribbles in lofty abstraction; PODBURY hums; + Mr. CYRUS K. TROTTER, and his daughter, MAUD S. TROTTER, + come out by the glass door of the Salon de Lecture, and seat + themselves at an adjoining table_. + +_Miss Trotter_. Well, I guess it's gayer out here, anyway. That +Reading Saloon is just about as lively as a burying lot with all the +tombs unlet. I want the address of that man who said that Brussels was +a second Parrus. + +_Mr. Trotter_. Maybe we ain't been long enough off the cars to +jedge yet. Do you feel like putting on your hat and sack, and sorter +smellin' round this capital? + +_Miss T._ Not any. I expect the old city will have to curb its +impatience to see me till to-morrow. I'm tired some. + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Confound it, how can I--! (_Looks up, and +observes_ Miss T. _with a sudden attention_). That fellow PODBURY +has better taste than I gave him credit for. She _is_ pretty--in her +peculiar style--_quite_ pretty! Pity she speaks with that deplorable +accent. + + [_Writes--"Vermilion lips that sheathe a parrot tongue," and + runs over all the possible rhymes to "tongue."_ + +_Podb._ (_observing that his pencil is idle_). Gas cut off again? Come +for a toddle. You don't mean to stick here all the evening, eh? + +_Culch._ Well, we might take a turn later on, and see the effect of +St. Gudule in the moonlight. + +_Podb._ Something _like_ a rollick that! But what do you say to +dropping in quietly at the Eden for an hour or so, eh? Variety show +and all that going on. + +_Culch._ Thanks--variety shows are not much in my line; but don't mind +me if you want to go. + + [_PODBURY wanders off, leaving CULCHARD free to observe + Miss TROTTER._ + +_Miss T._ CHARLEY writes he's having a lovely time in Germany going +round. I guess he isn't feeling so cheap as he did. I wish he'd come +along right here. + +_Mr. T._ I presume he's put in all the time he had for Belgium--likely +we'll fetch up against him somewhere before he's through. + +_Miss T._ Well, and I don't care how soon we do, either. CHARLEY's +a bright man, and real cultivated. I'm always telling him that he's +purrfectly splendid company, considering he's only a cousin. + +_Mr. T._ That's so every time. I like CHARLEY VAN BOODELER first-rate +myself. + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). If CHARLEY VAN BOODELER was _engaged_ to +her, I suppose he'd be here. Pshaw! What _does_ it matter? Somehow, I +rather wish now that I'd--but perhaps we shall get into conversation +presently. Hang it, here's that fellow PODBURY back again! Wish to +goodness he'd-- (_To PODBURY._) Hallo, so you haven't started yet? + +_Podb._ Been having a talk with the porter. He says there's a big fair +over by the Station du Midi, and it's worth seeing. Are you game to +come along and sample it, eh? + +_Culch._ (with an easy indifference intended for_ Miss T.'s _benefit_). +No, I think not, thanks. I'm very comfortable where I am. + + [_He resumes his writing._ + +_Podb._ Well, it's poor fun having to go alone! + + [_He is just going, when Mr. TROTTER rises and comes towards + him._ + +_Mr. T._ You'll excuse me, Sir, but did I overhear you remark that +there was a festivity in progress in this city? + +_Podb._ So I'm told; a fair, down in the new part. I could tell you +how to get to it, if you thought of going. + +_Mr. T._ Well, I don't see how I should ever strike that fair for +myself, and I guess if there's anything to be seen we're bound to +_see_ it, so me and my darter--allow me to introduce my darter to +you--MAUD, this gentleman is Mr.--I don't think I've caught your name, +Sir--PODBURY?--Mr. PODBURY who's kindly volunteered to conduct us +round. + +_Miss T._ _I_ should have thought you'd want to leave the gentleman +some say in the matter, Father--not to mention me! + +_Podb._ (_eagerly_). But won't you come? Do. I shall be awfully glad +if you will! + +_Miss T._ If it makes you so glad as all that, I believe I'll come. +Though what you could say different, after Father had put it up so +steep on you, _I_ don't know. I'll just go and fix myself first. + + [_She goes._ + +_Mr. T._ (_to PODBURY_). My only darter, Sir, and a real good girl. We +come over from the States, crossed a month ago to-day, and seen a +heap already. Been runnin' all over Scotland and England, and kind of +looked round Ireland and Wales, and now what _we've_ got to do is to +see as much as we can of Germany and Switzerland and It'ly, and get +some idea of France before we start home this fall. I guess we're +both of us gettin' pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was +sayin' to me on'y this evening at _table d'hôte_, "Father," she sez, +"the vurry first thing we'll do when we get home is to go and hev a +good square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat cakes +and maple syrup." Don't seem as if we _could_ git along without maple +syrup _much_ longer. (_Miss TROTTER returns._) You never mean going +out without your gums? + +_Miss T._ I guess it's not damp here--any--(_To PODBURY._) Now you're +going to be _Mary_, and Father and I have got to be the little lambs +and follow you around. + + [_They go out, leaving CULCHARD annoyed with himself and + everybody else, and utterly unable to settle down, to his + sonnet again._ + +IN AN UPPER CORRIDOR, TWO HOURS LATER. + +_Culch._ (_coming upon Podbury_). So you've got rid of your Americans +at last, eh? + +_Podb._ _I_ was in no hurry, I can tell you. She's a ripping little +girl--tremendous fun. What do you think she asked me about _you_? + +_Culch._ (_stiff, but flattered_). I wasn't aware she had honoured me +by her notice. What _was_ it? + +_Podb._ Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and wanted to know +if you were my tutor. My tutor! [_He roars._ + +_Culch._ I hope you--ah--undeceived her? + +_Podb._ Rather! Told her it was t'other way round, and I was looking +after _you_. Said you were suffering from melancholia, but were not +absolutely dangerous. + +_Culch._ If that's your idea of a joke, all I can say is-- + + [_He chokes with rage._ + +_Podb._ (_innocently_). Why, my dear chap, I thought you wanted 'em +kept out of your way! + + [_CULCHARD slams his bedroom door with temper, leaving + PODBURY outside, still chuckling._ + + * * * * * + +THE WRONG OF SEARCH. + +(_A DREAM OF THE BRITISH INQUISITION._) + +The unfortunate foreigner, travel-stained and suffering from the +after-glow of a stormy passage, crawled up the gangway and was once +more on land. He carried in his hand a portmanteau. + +"Have you anything to declare?" asked an official, in a gold-peaked +cap and blue frock coat, gruffly. + +"Only that your seas are terrible," was the reply. + +The official made no answer, but merely pointed to some planks that +had been placed upon trestles. The foreigner glanced at the people +who were standing in front of these planks, and noticed that they were +pale with apprehension. + +"Have you anything to declare?" was a second time uttered--now by a +person less gold-laced. Then the official continued, "Here, open it!" + +In a moment the portmanteau was thrown with force on the planks, and +the foreigner protested. + +"I understand you now. I have no cigars--I do not smoke. I have no +spirits--I am what you call a teatotaller. I have no lace--I am a +widower." + +"Open it!" was once more the cry--this time with great vehemence. + +"But I am innocent of concealing anything! Believe me, there is +nothing to declare! I have some photographic plates--to open them +is ruin! I prize my shirts--they are heirlooms--if they are roughly +handled I can never wear them again." And the foreigner wrung his +hands in his despair. + +"If you will not open it," replied the official, unmoved by his +eloquent appeal, "we shall detain your luggage." + +"But this is barbarous--cruel," continued the foreigner, answering +with excitement. "I have been to Constantinople with its mosques, and +the Turks have treated me with greater consideration. I have seen the +glories of Rome with its Forum, the splendours of Petersburg with its +fortress prison, the treasures of Madrid with its art gallery--and +everywhere--everywhere I have been treated with greater kindness, +greater charity than here! And yet you say this is the land of the +brave and the free!" + +"We say nothing of the sort," retorted the official; "we say, open +it!" + +The foreigner, whose pallor was fearful to see, with his teeth +clenched and his eyes starting from his head, put the key into the +portmanteau lock, turned it, and the contents of the box was revealed +to view. + +In a moment the officials were upon it--thrusting their inquisitive +hands here, there, and everywhere. There was a salad of boots, +waistcoats, collars and brushes. At length they came to the +photographic plates--they were removed in a trice from their +receptacle, and held up to the light. + +"Have you no hearts!" cried the foreigner, his face streaming +with tears. "In a moment you have undone the labour of years! That +plate--now destroyed for ever--when properly developed would have +revealed the smiling features of my wife's mother! It took me a +quarter of a century to catch her with such an expression! For when +she saw me she always frowned. But ah, my shirts, my heirlooms! In the +name of mercy, spare my shirts!" + +But no, once more the appeal was disregarded. The small portmanteau +was turned inside out. This the official chalked. + +"So this is one of the habits of the English," cried the foreigner, +bitterly. + +"Not only the habits, Monsieur," observed a bystander, who trembling +with apprehension, was waiting his turn; "but the customs. Customs +that are out of date with the age. Customs that are contrary to the +spirit of the century. Customs that cost more than they yield, and +deserve to be cussed!" + +"They do," cried the foreigner, excitedly. "May the Customs be--" + +"You must not utter that word," interrupted the Revenue Officer, in a +tone of peremptory command. + +"It is British; why not?" + +But although the foreigner was baffled in his desire to use the +appropriate imprecation--he thought it! + + * * * * * + +MOTH-EATEN. + +[Illustration] + + It is a stifling night; I sit + With windows open wide; + And the fragrance of the rose is blown + And also the musk outside, + There's plenty of room for the moths out there + In the cool and pleasant gloom; + And yet these mad insectual beasts + Will swarm into my room. + + I've thrown so many things at him, + And thrown them all so hard; + There goes the sofa-cushion; that + Missed him by half a yard. + My hot tears rain; my young heart breaks + To see him dodging thus; + It is not right for him to be + So coy--so devious. + + As I sit by my duplex lamp, + And write, and write, and write; + They come and drown in the blue-black ink, + Or fry themselves in the light. + They pop, and drop, and flop, and hop, + Like catherine-wheels at play; + And die in pain down the back of my neck + In a most repulsive way. + + There's a brown moth on the ceiling. He + Makes slow and bumpy rounds; + Then stops and sucks the whitewash off-- + He must have eaten pounds. + He's only waiting for his chance + To take me unaware, + And then the brute will drop, and make + His death-bed in my hair. + + Why do they do it? Why--ah! why? + The dews of night are damp, + But the place to dry one's self is not + The chimney of a lamp. + And sultriness engenders thirst, + But the best, the blue-black ink, + Cannot be satisfactory + Regarded as a drink. + + They are so very many, and + I am so very few-- + They are so hard to hit, and so + Elusive to pursue-- + That in the garden I will wait + Until the dawning light, + Until the moths all go by day + Where I wish they'd go by night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN--IF POSSIBLE! + +_Sympathetic Lady Guest_. "DON'T BE UNHAPPY ABOUT THE RAIN, DEAR MRS. +BOUNDERSON--IT WILL SOON BE OVER, AND YOUR GARDEN WILL BE LOVELIER +THAN EVER!" + +_Little Mrs. Goldmore Bounderson_ (_who is giving her first Garden +Party_). "YES; BUT I'M AFRAID IT WILL KEEP MY MOST DESIRABLE GUESTS +FROM COMING!"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE BRIDGE! + +(_A MUCH MODERNISED VERSION OF "THE VISION OF MIRZAH."_) + +On the second day of the week, commonly called Saint Monday (which +according to the Customs of my Forefathers, I always keep as Holiday), +after having washed myself, and offered up my Morning Devotions at the +shrine of Nicotine, I turned over the pages of _Bradshaw_, with a view +to passing the rest of the day in some more or less Rural Retirement. + +As I was here confusing myself with the multitudinous Complexities +of this recondite Tome, I fell into a profound Contemplation of the +Vanity of human Holiday-making; and, passing from one puzzling page +to another, Surely, said I, Man is but a Muddler and Life a Maze! + +"Right you are!" sounded a mysterious voice in my ear. + +The Sound of the voice was exceeding Sweet, and wrought into a +variety of inflections. It put me in mind of those heavenly Airs that +are played from the tops of closely-packed wheeled Vehicles, from +many-keyed Concertinas upon Bank-Holidays. My Heart melted away in +Secret Raptures. By which signs I--who had read my _Spectator_ at the +Free Library--knew well that I was in the company of a Genius! It is +only Genii who drop upon one suddenly and unannounced, with a more or +less pertinent commentary upon one's Inner Thoughts, in this fashion. +I felt at once that I was in for the true Addisonian Oriental Apologue +in all its hybrid incongruity. + +I drew near with that Reverence which is due to a Superior--if +nondescript Nature; and as my Heart was entirely subdued by the +captivating Voice I had heard, I fell down at his Feet and wept. I +could hardly have explained why, but 'tis the sort of thing one always +does in an Eastern Apologue. The Genius smiled upon me with a Look of +Compassion and Affability that familiarised him to my Imagination, at +once dispelled all the Fears and Apprehensions with which I approached +him, and turned off my Tearfulness "at the main," as _Samuel Weller_ +said, concerning the Mulberry One. He lifted me from the ground, and, +taking me by the hand, "MIRZAH," said he, "I have heard thee in thy +Soliloquies; follow me!" + +Now, my name is _not_ MIRZAH, but MATTHEW. Yet, after all, it did not +much matter, and I felt it would be in questionable taste to correct a +Genius. + +He then led me to the highest Pinnacle of a Rock, and, placing me on +the Top of it, "Cast thy Eyes yonder," said he, "and tell me what +thou seest." "I see," said I, "a huge Valley, and a prodigious Roadway +running through it." "The Valley that thou seest," said he, "is the +Vale of Travel, and the Roadway that thou beholdest is part of the +great Railway System." "What is the Reason," said I, "that the Roadway +I see rises out of a thick Mist at one End, and again loses itself +in a thick Mist at the other?" "Monopoly and Muddle freely engender +Mists," responded the Genius. "Examine now," said he, "the Roadway +that is bounded with Darkness at both ends, and tell me what thou +discoverest in it." "I see a Bridge," said I, "standing in the midst +of the Roadway." "Consider it attentively," said he. + +Upon a more leisurely Survey of it--a Survey which, meseemed, it would +have been well had Others made with similar Attentiveness--I found +that the Arch thereof looked shaky and insecure; moreover, that a +Great and Irregular-shaped Cleft or Crack ran, after the fashion of a +Lightning-flash in a Painted Sea-scape, athwart the structure thereof +from Keystone to Coping. As I was regarding this unpleasing Portent, +the Genius told me that this Bridge was at first of sound and +scientific construction, but that the flight of Years, Wear and Tear, +vehement Molecular Vibration, and, above all, Negligent Supervision, +had resulted in its present Ruinous Condition. + +"But tell me further," said he, "what thou discoverest on it." + +"I see," said I, "if my eyes and the dark Mists and Shadows deceive me +not, a Figure couched upon the Parapet of the centre Arch thereof." +As I looked more attentively, I saw that this figure was of a Spectral +appearance, and Bony withal; albeit, its contours were to some +extent hidden by its clinging cerement-like garments, and the equally +clinging and charnel-like shades surrounding it. + +[Illustration: ON THE BRIDGE!] + +Only an Attent, and, as it were, complacently Anticipative Visage, of +an osseous and ogreish Aspect, gleamed lividly forth therefrom, as the +Apparition appeared to Look and Listen through the Mist at one end of +the Bridge for the welcome Sight of Disaster, the much desired Sound +of Doom. A shrill and sibilant Metallic Shriek seemed to cleave the +Shadows into which the Spectre gazed; a Violent Vibratory Pulsation, +as of thudding iron nails threshing upon a resonant steel floor, +seemed to heat the Roadway, shake the Bridge, and as it appeared to +me to widen the levin-like Cleft or Crack which disfigured the Arch +thereof. + +Then did I quake inwardly and breathe short. "What, O Genius," I +cried, "signifieth the Spectre, who thus sitteth On the Bridge, what +forebodeth the Aspect of eager Anticipation, and for what doth he so +gloatingly and expectantly Wait?" + +"This," responded the Genius, gravely, "is Insatiate Death waiting for +Inevitable Accident!" + +I gazed with inexpressible melancholy upon the unhappy Scene. At +length said I, "Show me now, I beseech thee, the Secrets that lie hid +under those dark Mists which cover the regions to the right which you +suggest are the realms of Monopoly and Muddle." The Genius making me +no Answer, I turned about to address myself to him a Second time, but +I found that he had left me. I then turned again to the Vision, but +instead of the Roadway, the arched Bridge and the Attent Anatomy, +I saw nothing but my own parlour, and my wife MARY picking up the +_Bradshaw's Guide_ which had fallen from my sleep-relaxed hand. + + * * * * * + +On that particular Saint Monday I took, not as I had intended, a +Railway Excursion to Rural Parts, but, telling MARY--to her manifest +concern--that I Had Altered my Mind as regarded our Holiday, I +betook myself to the "Blue Boar" at the corner, and passed the day in +Safety--and Solitary Smoking! Next morning, however, I read something +in the papers which led me to believe that Railwaydom Aroused meant +exorcising and evicting that Sinister Spectre, "regardless of Cost;" +and I shall look forward to my next Holiday Outing with a mind +Relieved and Reassured. + + * * * * * + +BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE. + +[Illustration] + + The man who got in at Blackfriars + Was smoking the foulest of briars, + But it went out all right-- + Could I give him a light?-- + Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars. + + I've frequently noticed the Temple + Is a place there are not enough rhymes to; + And that's why I've made + This verse somewhat blank, + And rather disregarded the metre. + + How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross? + It's a point where I'm quite at a loss. + Some people, of course, + Would rhyme it with "horse," + But I always rhyme it with "hoss." + + A woman at Westminster Bridge + Had got just a speck on the ridge + Of her Romanesque nose. + "It's a black, I suppose," + She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge. + + One man from the Park of St. James, + Had really the loftiest aims; + In the hat-rack he sat, + Used my hair as a mat, + And when I demurred called me names. + + I bought from the stall at Victoria + A horrible sixpenny story, a + Book of a kind + It pained me to find + For sale at our English emporia. + + I found when I got to Sloane Square + That my ticket was gone; my despair + Was awful to see, + Till at last to my glee + I looked in my hat--it was there! + + * * * * * + +'ILL-LUMINANTS! + + ["Sir E. WATKIN is about to introduce the Electric Light on + the summit of Snowdon."--_Daily Paper_.] + +Just started up Snowdon by Sir E. WATKIN's combined Galvano-Electric +and Pneumatic Despatch Line, from Llanberis. Goes nearly to top. What +a blessing! Saved all the bother of the mount. Go in tennis-shoes, as +I'm told there's next to no climbing to be done. + +Splendid day for view. Comfortable carriages. Hullo! what's this? +Find myself suddenly shot into a mountain tarn. A Yankee would call +it "tarnation cold." Get out dripping. Guard of train explains that +"battery must be rather too strong this morning." Train put on line +again. Up we go! Shivery. If I'd known this sort of thing went on, I'd +have brought towels. + +At Terminus, three-quarters way up, in a bleak and exposed crag, +plastered with advertisements. Day not quite so glorious. Fog coming +on. Or is it "Scotch mist?" But what has a Scotch mist to do in Wales? +Ask engine-driver's opinion. He has none. "Then which is the way +up?" Doesn't know. "_His_ way is down." Must speak to Sir E.W. about +engine-driver. + +Ascent continued. Leads down-hill. Curious. Sound of dashing waterfall +close by. _Must_ see it. Turn round a corner. No waterfall at all, +only the Electric-Light-generating station! Noise I heard was the +"machinery in motion." _Query_--does an iron shed with chimney pouring +out factory smoke, add to charms of wild scenery? + +More surprises! Find an "Automatic Delivery" pillar! Curious sight +on a mountain. Put a penny in, and you get a small book--_Guide to +Snowdonia_. Thanks! But what I want is a guide to top. Fog worse than +ever. Believe I've missed my way. + +_Five hours later_.--I _had_. Shoes utterly worn out. Awfully, tired. +Hit on top by mere accident. Resting in new hotel. Scrumptious, but +dear. Don't care! Electric Light. What system? Waiter says "Brush." +Must be 'air-brush up here, I fancy! Anyhow no good in a fog. Shall +suggest foghorn to Sir E. WATKIN for thick weather. Also guides +waiting at Crag Terminus. Bottle of beer. Divine! View? None, and +don't want any. More beer. Electric Light better than I thought. +Electricity is life. Electricity is also beer. More beer, please! +Waiter asks "if I sleep at top?" Beds only two guineas a night. Of +course I do! "Then shall he wake me for sunrise?" He'd better _not_. +Goo' night! Sowdn--mean Snowdn--great sksess. + + * * * * * + +HER VIOLETS! + +[Illustration] + + She gave them to me when the dance was done, + Her eyes all lighted with the ecstasy + Of triumph in the crushing contest won, + Of all the joy of girlish victory. + She gave them to me as we mounted up, + With all the bold effrontery that dares + To face the aged ones, who've come to sup, + And sidles off to alcoves on the stairs. + + She gave them to me, but some sprays, I know, + All dying then, as though life's task were laid + To rest within that burning breast of snow; + And there the last great debt of all were paid. + She gave them to me, and my heart did beat, + As o'er my hope a greater promise came, + And up the narrow way with steps so fleet + She went, though I remember'd not her name. + + She gave them to me, and I vow'd that they + Should lie upon my heart till years had fled, + Till, passing through life's narrow, thorny way, + They'd rest with me when life's own leaves were dead. + And thus I spoke, and then we wrote the deed, + With fervid seal upon the heart's own slab-- + Alas! alas! how memory runs to seed!-- + I left her Violets in a beastly cab! + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +WATER SUPPLY.--Yes, we have read about the quantities of poisoned +fish floating in the river somewhere near the "intake" of the Water +Companies, and agree with you that under such circumstances the +pretence of supplying a drinkable fluid is somewhat of a "take-in." +But surely it is hardly necessary to adopt the extreme step you +contemplate, of stationing an expert Thames fisherman at the side of +your cistern night and day, in order to catch any fish that may come +through the pipes. The Companies' filtering system may not be worth +much, but it ought to be able to keep out something under the size of +a whale. + +HOLIDAY TRAVELLING.--You say that recent disclosures about Railway +Bridges have made you nervous. The plan of personally inspecting +every bridge your train will pass over on your way to Scotland is +an excellent one, if you have time for it. Possibly also, a Railway +Manager might agree to put a specially light engine to your train. +As you say you are going to take a couple of tourist tickets, third +class, it would probably pay him well to make any little alteration of +that kind. + +IMPECUNIOSITY.--We cannot help you. Reading the Riot Act and then +assaulting them with a poker is not the best way of getting the +Bailiffs out of a house. Try gentle persuasion. If you have recently +had a case of black typhus in the house, you might mention the fact to +them, and see what they say. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LADIES IN THE HOUSE. THE SUCCESS OF THE SEASON.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.] + +THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON. + +SIR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS COVENT-GARDENIUS HARRIS, C.C.C.] + + * * * * * + +THE RULE OF THREE. + +(A POSSIBLE SCENE OF THE FUTURE.) + + PLAN OF ACTION.--_Somewhere conveniently situated for + all parties. The King, the Kaiser, and the Emperor, + discovered discussing the Treaty that has now been in force + for some years._ + +_Kaiser_ (_with assumed cheerfulness_). Well, my dear Brothers, it is +really time you should do something. It is not on my own account that +I am anxious, but on yours--purely on yours. + +_King_ (_dryly_). Certainly! + +_Emperor_ (_with a smile_). No doubt! Pray proceed. + +_Kaiser_ (_addressing Italy_). Well, my dear friend, as I am afraid +we are on the eve of a contest with France, I must beg of you to place +three Army Corps upon your Alpine frontiers. + +_King_ (_with assumed surprise_). Why should I do this? It will be +most inconvenient! + +_Kaiser_. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty. + +_Emperor_ (_interposing_). Your pardon, that stipulation was +suppressed at King HUMBERT's request. + +_Kaiser_ (_annoyed_). Oh, was it! Then, my friend, perhaps you will +be so good (as my relations with the CZAR are strained almost to +breaking), as to station troops on the Russian frontier beyond Cracow. + +_Emperor_ (_with improvised astonishment_). Why should I do this? It +will be most inconvenient. + +_Kaiser_. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty. + +_King_ (_interposing_). Your pardon; that stipulation was suppressed +at the request of the Emperor of AUSTRIA. + +_Kaiser_. Oh, was it? (_Losing his temper._) Then I consider the whole +affair as gross a swindle as-- + +_Emperor_ (_interrupting_). Nay, Sire, remember your birth and +position! It is a passing annoyance, but it should not move you. +Remember, you are a Hohenzollern! Let me offer you a cigarette. + +_Kaiser_ (_calming down_). Well, perhaps I had better be quiet. It is +more dignified. + +_King_ (_helping himself to the Emperor's cigarette-case_). Let me +join you. + +_Kaiser_. But I say, what use is the Treaty to either of us? + +_Emperor_ (_with a smile_). Properly treated, it is of service to us +all. (_Lights it, and offers it to his two partners_). It will serve +as a spill for our cigarettes! [_Scene closes in upon the Treaty +ending in smoke._ + + * * * * * + +WELL DONE, DEAR! + + We've levelled farms, we've planted trees, + And many mighty men of means + Have shot at deer, and, if you please, + A DEAR has shot and won the Queen's! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 20_.--"Man and boy I've sat in this +House for seven years," said WHITTAKER ELLIS, as he reposed behind +Ministers diffusing a sense of aldermanic respectability over an +appreciable area of space; "never have I seen Irish Estimates got +through in this style. LORD LIEUTENANT has his salary voted without +a word of comment, and CHIEF SECRETARY will, I believe, get his in a +couple of hours. Have known the time when it wasn't done in a couple +of nights." + +[Illustration: Aldermanic Respectability.] + +Strange indeed the scene; not thirty Members present whilst the +Woluminous WEBB goes all the way back to the Tipperary riots in search +of text for dreary observations; then fearsome speeches by FLYNN and +P.J. POWER. Some fillip to proceedings when JORDAN rolls in. + +JORDAN is Member of Parliament for Clare, as he once or twice +incidentally remarked. Evidently much impressed by distinction. +House laughs at reiterated claim. The billows of Jordan rise; had +no personal objection to Prince ARTHUR, he said, but "as Member of +Parliament for Clare" had to complain of him in his official capacity. +What had he done? "He has given Clare such a resident Magistrate as +CECIL ROCHE, a low tyrannical man, who ordered a low policeman to +seize me--me, Member of Parliament for Clare." + +JORDAN glared round on laughing House; quite incomprehensible what +they should be guffawing at. Marvel increased when he introduced +Father GILLIKAN on the scene, + +[Illustration: "Member of Parliament for Clare."] + +"What had happened to Father GILLIKAN?" JORDAN roared, fixing a +bloodshot eye on ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, who had just dropped in on Treasury +Bench. "Why, Father GILLIKAN had been sent to prison for a speech +delivered in the middle of the River Shannon." + +House shouted with laughter; began again when JORDAN explained that +Father GILLIKAN, though he had been making a speech in the middle +of the River Shannon at the moment of his arrest, was primarily in a +boat. Even that didn't mend matters, and JORDAN, giving up attempt to +understand ill-timed hilarity of House, dried up. + +Later, TIM HEALY turned up, TIM TRUCULENT no more. Where was the +excited crowd he was wont to address in Sessions of not very long +ago--the jeering Ministerialists, the applauding Liberals, the +enthusiastic band of united Irishmen, with PARNELL sitting placid in +their midst, he only quiet amid the turbulent throng? Now the House +more than half empty; the audience irresponsive; Prince ARTHUR sitting +solitary on Treasury Bench with head bowed to hide the blushes that +had mantled his cheek at hearing TIM extol his improvement since, in +1887, he tried his prentice hand as Chief Secretary. Prince ARTHUR, +when he rises, is careful not to introduce a discordant note. He has, +he says, listened with interest to the able speech of the Hon. and +learned Gentleman, the Member for North Longford. There must be a +division for decency's sake; but only 150 Members turn up, and no one +would have been greatly surprised if Prince ARTHUR and TIM HEALY had +walked off arm in arm into the same lobby. + +[Illustration: Lalor's Lament.] + +"Shade of me departed frind, JOSEPH GILLIS," said LALOR, wearily +rising to go forth to the division, "what d'ye think of us, suppose +this night you chance to be looking down from whatever answers with +you to the Strangers' Gallery, where you used to betake yourself after +being suspended?" + +_Business done_.--Irish Votes in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday_.--The alliance, offensive and defensive, established between +the two Houses of Legislature by Lord DENMAN and Mr. ATKINSON been +temporarily blighted by machinations of the enemy. + +DENMAN, the other night, wanted to move for return showing how many +times he had been in attendance. House said it didn't particularly +care to know. DENMAN insisted; then the MARKISS, as usual, appeared on +the scene, and moved that DENMAN shouldn't be heard for remainder of +sitting. DENMAN, never at loss in Parliamentary strategy, wanted to +move that the MARKISS's motion should be put from Chair on that day +ten months. But LORD CHANCELLOR, well known to be in league with the +MARKISS, promptly put question. Before DESMAN knew where he was (a not +unfamiliar access of haziness) Motion put, declared to be carried, and +he condemned to sit silent for rest of evening. + +Same tactics, slightly varied, carried on to effacement of other wing +of allied forces. ATKINSON wanted to put question to JOKIM about his +Coinage Bill. Took some pains in framing it; handed it in at +table; next day question appeared on paper shorn of its oratorical +excellencies. + +"How is this?" says ATKINSON, addressing the SPEAKER. + +"Question full of errors," SPEAKER explained. + +"Will the Right Hon. Gentleman kindly state them?" said ATKINSON, +folding his arms, and looking triumphantly round the House. Had the +SPEAKER now. He would go into particulars. Sure to leave opening for +master of argumentative tactics; ATKINSON would dart in and pink him +amid applause of Senate. Public business might be delayed, but what of +that? House liked intellectual treat. + +SPEAKER, however, not so unwary as he looked. Took no notice of +ATKINSON's inquiry; went on to next business. ATKINSON wrote to Clerks +for explanation. No reply; so to-day gives notice of Vote of Censure +on SPEAKER and Clerks. + +"Sorry to be driven to this course, dear TOBY," he said, when I +ventured to remonstrate with him on his remorseless career; "have the +greatest respect for the SPEAKER; shrink from depriving the Clerks at +table of means of livelihood. But an example must be made. Effect not +confined to walls of this Chamber. My Motion of Censure on the SPEAKER +will strike terror to the House of Lords, and go long way to deliver +my noble friend DENMAN from thraldom under which a too sensitive +nature lies bound hand and foot. The House need apprehend no +inconvenience to the course of public business. Last night, in +response to a bait artfully thrown out by Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, I felt it +my duty to rise in my place and announce that nothing would induce me +to take office under the Crown. But in the matter of the SPEAKER, I +shall recognise my personal responsibility, and when, in consequence +of my Motion of Censure, he withdraws into private life, _I_ will take +the Chair." + +_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply. + +_Thursday_.--Haven't seen SEYMOUR KEAY lately. Report in House is, +that he has been close and interested attendant on CATHCART case. +Rumour receives some confirmation from circumstance that to-day, +CATHCART case concluded, KEAY suddenly turns up full of spirits +and valuable information. Subject (Land Purchase Bill back from +Lords) particularly attractive to him, since it is bristling with +obscurities. Once, when a Lords Amendment submitted, TIM HEALY asked +what it meant. MADDEN sprang up with reassuring alacrity and said a +few words, apparently of explanation. Didn't clear up anything; TIM +insisted on wanting to know, you know; MADDEN nervously read and +reread Amendment, couldn't make head or tale of it, but wouldn't do +for ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND to say so. Accordingly smiled on TIM +with pitying air of superiority. "Couldn't understand what the Lords +meant by their Amendment? Well, well; surprised at such confession +from one of TIM's acuteness." + +Prince ARTHUR all the while turning over Amendment; at length +interposed. "The Hon. and learned Gentleman opposite," he observed, +"asks for an explanation of this Amendment; I frankly tell him I +cannot give it. I don't understand it myself, and as it would be +undesirable to include in the Act a provision that might lead to +controversy, we will strike it out." + +"And thus are our laws made!" said SHIRESS WILLS, throwing out his +hands in astonishment. + +[Illustration: "Thus are our Laws made!"] + +Certainly a narrow escape. It was after this that KEAY's +patent-leather boots glistened on the floor of House as he walked up +to take seat below Gangway. Determined to make up for lost time; led +astray in all directions; SPEAKER called him to order with increasing +sternness; HENNIKER HEATON asked if he might move that for rest of +Session he be no longer heard; SPEAKER evidently sorely tempted; here +was a short sure way out of the difficulty. Faltered a moment, then +rose heroically to sense of duty; put aside proposal, and KEAY went +on again for another half-hour. "A long rigmarole," JOKIM called the +speech. This not Parliamentary, but no one objected. + +_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill got ready for Royal Assent. + +_Friday._--Nothing can exceed MORTON's obliging disposition; talked +for half an hour just now on subject of fortune-telling. Members +can't prevent ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS from making speeches, but they needn't +listen; so kept up lively conversation whilst ALPHEUS talked to +CLEOPHAS. When he sat down, it appeared he had desired that his +remarks should reach ear of Home Secretary; concluded by asking +question; MATTHEWS unwarily protested, that, owing to noise in House, +he had not been able to catch the drift of the Hon. Gentleman's +remarks. + +"Oh, very well," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, "I'll repeat them." + +"No! no!" MATTHEWS almost shrieked. + +"No trouble at all," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, and he set off again, +making his speech once more. _Business done._--Very little. + + * * * * * + +FOR THE BENEFIT OF ZOILUS. + +SHAKSPEARE speaks of "the maiden virtue of the Crown." And the word +"maiden" bears, in certain constructions, the meanings, "fresh, new, +youthful, &c." But when _Mr. Punch_, comparing generally "Fifty Years +Syne" with To-day, says:-- + + "Then HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the Throne," + +"A SEPTUAGENARIAN" acidly objects, and twits _Mr. Punch_ with +premature failure of memory. "Aha! I know that man!" says _Mr. P._ +_Mr. Punch_, of course, merely meant that about fifty years ago HER +MAJESTY was a very youthful Sovereign. Moreover, the comparison made +between "Then and Now" was not intended to be confined rigorously to +"July 17, 1841," as is shown in the previous stanza, which says:-- + + "Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song which moved a world to tears," + +meaning "_The Song of the Shirt_," which, as explained in a footnote, +was not published until 1843. Had _Mr. Punch_ written with the fear of +ZOILUS before his eyes, he might have appended _another_ foot-note, to +explain--for the benefit of ZOILUS--that he did _not_ mean to convey +the idea that HER MAJESTY was unmarried when _he_ first made his +appearance. Whereto the reply of the Public--all but ZOILUS--would +probably have been, "Whoever supposed you _did_?" + + * * * * * + +"THEN YOU'LL REMEMBER ME!"--Among the names of those who, within the +last ten years, have done good work for _Mr. Punch_ ought to have +appeared that of Mr. SAVILE CLARKE, whose _cri du coeur_ from foreign +shores has reached _Mr. P.'s_ ears and touched _Mr. P.'s_ heart. + + * * * * * + +L'ENTENTE CORDIALE.--A portion of the French Fleet is soon to be +entertained on English shores. The first of these vessels sighted as +it approaches will be sufficient evidence of their French ship towards +us. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, August 1, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13466 *** |