initial commit of ebook 13466HEADmain

1 files changed, 1797 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/13466.txt b/old/13466.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c0da1be
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/13466.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1797 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+August 1, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, August 1, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2004 [EBook #13466]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+August 1, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+THE PRINCE.
+
+(_A LETTER FROM NICOLA PUNCIO MACHIAVELLI TO THE MOST ILLUSTRIOUS
+VITTORIO EMANUELE, SON OF UMBERTO, KING OF ITALY._)
+
+I.
+
+There never was, nor is at this day, any man in the world who is not
+either a Prince or not a Prince. Seeing, therefore, that your Highness
+appertains of right to the class of them that are Princes, and being
+ambitious to present to your Highness that which should have the
+chiefest value in your eyes, I could not (though pondering much) deem
+anything more precious than the knowledge of men and of governments
+which I have learned through a space of half a hundred years.
+Forasmuch as your Highness hath travelled over stormy seas to the
+island of the British folk, I do presume to present to your Highness,
+as being one that seeketh wisdom, the ripe fruit of my knowledge, in
+order that your Highness may suck thereout such advantage as those who
+love your land chiefly desire both for yourself and for them to whose
+government you shall in the future be called.
+
+II.--_HOW A PRINCE IS TO GAIN REPUTATION._
+
+To begin, then, I say it would be advantageous to be accounted both
+liberal and of a like nature unto other men that are not Princes. For
+although the majority of mankind be penurious and apt to hoard their
+money, and although in their assembly the British make a show of
+niggardliness, imputing it to themselves for a virtue, nevertheless,
+if they discern in a Prince such inclinations as they praise in
+themselves, no nation was ever quicker to blame or decry. For each
+holds in private that while he himself is generous, the rest are
+mean and covetous. Therefore, I counsel you let your conduct in the
+bestowal both of snuff-boxes, which no man at this day uses, and of
+scarf-pins, which are a delight to many, be so ordered that men may
+think of you as one that with a true generosity performs such acts as
+each of them, were he a Prince, would perform as well.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Likewise if there be those who wish to read unto you addresses of
+loyal welcome, it is not well to flout them publicly by showing signs
+of sleep; since it is the fashion of municipalities and Mayors to
+hold themselves to be of high importance, and a wise flattery of this
+self-deception well becomes you. And in replying, let your speech
+be both short and homely. The present German Emperor came lately
+among this people, and, having spoken aloud of the kindness of his
+Grandmamma, at once the hearts of all of them that are or hope to be
+grandmammas, or have themselves possessed a grandmamma, were moved to
+him so that he was accounted one of themselves from that time forth.
+
+Again, how honourable it is for a Prince to be outspoken, candid, and
+truthful, I suppose everybody understands. Nevertheless, experience
+has shown in our times that those Princes who have not pinned
+themselves up to that excess of truth-speaking, have not alone secured
+the love of their subjects, but have been held up as patterns of a
+royal wisdom and virtue. For in the assemblages of the great that
+shall be gathered in your honour, and in the banquets and receptions
+wherewith it is customary to overwhelm a Prince, there must often be
+those surrounding him, and holding converse with him, whose absence
+would cause him joy rather than sorrow, on account of their exceeding
+pompous dulness. Yet it is well at such times for a Prince to conceal
+his feelings, and, though he be flattened with tedious ceremony, to
+keep both a cheerful countenance and a pleasant tongue, as of one to
+whom life offers a succession of the proudest and happiest moments.
+There is a Prince at this time in being (but his name I shall
+conceal), who can often have nothing in his mind but sorrow and
+depression, so many are his labours and so great is the number of the
+foundation-stones he lays; and yet, had he revealed either the one or
+the other by speech or gesture, they had robbed him before this of his
+power and reputation.
+
+III.--_OF THE WEARING OF UNIFORMS._
+
+A Prince should have many uniforms, and wear them with much show and
+glitter. For it is expected of Princes that before they be weaned they
+should be Colonels, and should rank as Field-Marshals at a time when
+other lads still trail themselves to school. It is not indeed related
+of CÆSAR that he drilled a regiment at the age of six, nor of HANNIBAL
+that being yet a boy he did aught but take an oath. Yet now the custom
+of the world is otherwise, and a Prince who should never shine in the
+array of a soldier might justly be held odious and contemptible. That
+very German Emperor of whom I have spoken, won the applause of the
+multitude by cuirass and helmet, and having donned a British Admiral's
+uniform, was held of great account amongst a people apt for the rule
+of the sea. This honour in truth falls not to all; but others, and
+yourself among the number, may be made Post Captains, and wear a naval
+dress both with comfort and approbation.
+
+IV.--_OF ITALY._
+
+Here in the land to which you have come you shall find all men lovers
+of Italy. For there is not one of those that watched her long and
+grievous struggles, that did not welcome with a heartfelt joy her
+deliverance, both from foreign yoke and from native tyrants. Here too
+they know that the example of your illustrious family, the wisdom
+and moderation of your father not less than the unquenchable valour
+and bodily strength of your grandfather, his contempt of danger,
+his devotion to duty, shone forth as a star before the eyes of all
+Italians, even in their darkest hours. Who is there that hath not the
+liveliest hope that all prosperity may be confirmed to that beloved
+country, that she may advance from greatness to greatness, that her
+kings may be just, her people free and contented. Let your illustrious
+family, then, still address itself to the work with courage and
+confidence, that under them Italy may stand forth an example to the
+nations of the world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--QUOTATION WANTED.--Can anybody inform me where this
+exquisite line occurs--
+
+  "Heredity, thou mother of our race!"
+
+I fancy it must be by Lord TENNYSON, but I cannot find it either in
+_In Memoriam_ or the _Idylls of the King_. The line has been much
+admired by competent critics. A beautiful little volume of verse,
+recently published, is _The Fall of Cetewayo_. Possibly the line may
+be in that book.--P.S.--Is not £76 10s. 6d. too high a price to charge
+for bringing out an Epic Poem of 8000 lines, even if, as is asserted,
+there have been "no sales"?--LAUREATE PRESUMPTIVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEREDITHOMANIA.--Miss HANNAH LYNCH (Author of _George Meredith--a
+Study_) is almost incoherently angry with "the inexcusable and comical
+consistency of stupidity" manifested by all those who are not, in the
+fullest sense, "Meredith-men"--or women. She is, however, so dogmatic
+and disdainful, that one suspects her of a tendency to substitute for
+the judicial verdict of the critical judgment-seat, the arbitrary and
+excessive punishment of "Lynch-law!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WISBECH WINE.--Liberal Supply. The BRAND of 1891 acknowledged to be
+quite beyond competition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OFF TO MASHERLAND.".--Nothing from "GRANDOLPH the Explorer" this
+week. He's gone to the Diggings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIDING THE PIG.
+
+    [Mr. HEALY said he did not deny that after five years of
+    liberal education the present Chief Secretary had greatly
+    improved.... In reply to Mr. BALFOUR's inquiry, whether he
+    could count upon Mr. HEALY's support in a Local Government
+    Bill for Ireland, Mr. HEALY replied, "Certainly!"]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Ah! Spur, whip, and bridle are all very well,
+    For a rider's equipment includes some "Coercion,"
+  But Jehu may need an additional spell,
+    Whether riding a race or for simple diversion.
+  There are reasons for giving a racer his head,
+  And some flocks are driven and others are led.
+
+  Improved? Whillaloo! Fancy HEALY the hot
+    Politely approving of "BALFOUR the Brutal"!
+  How pleasant to picture the Pig at full trot,
+    Without that "hard riding" some fancy must suit all!
+  Too good to be true? That time only can show.
+  'Tis something that Piggy should _promise_ to "go."
+
+  Your Pig is a "gintleman,"--take him aright;
+    Or so those maintain who best know the 'cute creature.
+  If you make him "eat stick" in excess he'll show fight.
+    The goad and the snout-ring we've tried. This new feature--
+  A lure in advance--may be worth being tried.
+  That Piggy _can_ go--and this rider _can_ ride!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENTHUSIASM À LA RUSSE!
+
+    SCENE--_A Bureau de Police at St. Petersburg. Present,
+    Russian Bigwig and Subordinate._
+
+_Russian Bigwig_ (_reading letter_). "And they are to be received with
+the greatest possible enthusiasm!" I can scarcely believe my eyes! The
+Fleet of the French Republic!
+
+_Subordinate_ (_using a Muscovite imprecation_). _Caviare droski!_
+
+_Rus. Big._ (_severely_). Slave! (Sub. _cringes_.) Another word, and
+I will have you knouted to death! It is the wish of our Little Father,
+the Czar of the Universe.
+
+    [_They both fall on their knees, remove their hats, and sing
+    the National Hymn._
+
+_Sub._ (_bowing to the ground_). And what are the Imperial wishes?
+
+_Rus. Big._ That not only shall the "_Marseillaise_" be tolerated when
+played by the French, but also be performed by our own bands. (_With a
+burst of rage._) Oh, _Caviare droski!_
+
+_Sub._ (_on his knees_). I would also add an oath, O Supreme
+Protector-of-the-Spirit-of-my-dead-Grandmother, had you not forbidden
+that extreme expression of opinion.
+
+_Rus. Big._ You recall me to myself. O
+Son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-PETER-son-of-TOMMY. I was wrong. But
+it makes my blood boil to think that our Master and his ancestors who
+scorned LOUIS PHILIPPE and NAPOLEON III. should recognise a Republic!
+
+_Sub._ (_aside_). Say you so--this to the CZAR--thou Nihilist!
+(_Aloud._) My Lord-the-comforter-of-the-spirit-of-my-first-cousin-once-
+removed-on-my-mother's-side, is indeed right! It is a painful sight!
+
+_Rus. Big._ (_aside_). Say you so--this to the CZAR--thou Nihilist!
+(_Aloud._) But perhaps we might improve matters. Supposing that the
+"_Marseillaise_" were imperfectly performed?
+
+_Sub._ (_with note-book_). Excellent, my Lord! excellent! It shall
+be played out of tune on a score of regimental bands! Good, my Lord!
+good!
+
+_Rus. Big._ And could not a translation be furnished suggesting ideas
+foreign to the original?
+
+_Sub._ Again capital, my Lord. I will see that the troops have a
+version that gives the old legend (stolen from us by the English)
+of "The Song of Sixpence, or a pocketful of Rye-bread," as the real
+translation.
+
+_Rus. Big._ A happy thought! The moral is wholesome. The Monarchical
+principle is advocated in the approved counting out of money and
+consumption of bread and honey by their Majesties, and the right of
+life and death is suggested by the pecking off of the nose of the
+housemaid while employed in hanging out the clothes! And about the
+troops--have they been warned that they might some day be expected to
+give a hated alien an enthusiastic reception?
+
+_Sub._ They have, my Lord. And in anticipation of such an occasion,
+they have been taught for the last six months how to cheer in a
+whisper.
+
+_Rus. Big._ Good! And now to a pleasanter duty. Have you those hundred
+thousand copies of _Punch_ that were yesterday seized at the frontier?
+
+_Sub._ I have, my Lord!
+
+_Rus. Big._ (_with fiendish glee_). To Siberia with them! Come, help
+me to post them!
+
+_Sub._ (_trembling_). But, my Lord, should _Punch_ be read by the
+political prisoners who lie covered with chains in the secret mines
+under the lowest mountain in the Czar's dominions? What then?
+
+_Rus. Big._ (_in an awesome whisper_). Mark me well! In the present
+pitiable state of the prisoners, such a feast of mirth-compelling
+waggery would kill them--yes, _kill_ them--with laughter!
+
+    [_Exeunt stealthily to put this craftily-conceived plot into
+    guilty execution._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW LEADER.
+
+    ["At present the followers are obliged to be amiable because
+    the Leader is amiable. Under the Leader I suggest they would
+    be less amiable, and would be at liberty to say stronger
+    things."--Mr. ATKINSON, M.P., _in the House of Commons_.]
+
+_CHORUS OF AMIABLE TORIES._
+
+  Hear! hear! Mr. A. We are amiable too,
+  For we follow our amiable Leader, like you;
+  But when forced to say, "Bless you!" we choke with our spleen,
+  And we add, _sotto voce_, "You know what I mean."
+  While we sit spick and span as a picture by FRITH,
+  And contend with our feelings, to please Mr. SMITH.
+
+  Oh, we pule and we prate, we are nerveless and weak,
+  And we swallow, like _Pistol_, the odorous leek.
+  We palter with truth, and we flatter our foes,
+  And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the nose.
+  We are fools soft of speech, and without any pith,
+  For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH.
+
+  Time was when a Member who hated the Celt
+  Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt.
+  He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in length,
+  Make up for their shortness by meaning and strength.
+  But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith,
+  While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH.
+
+  So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then,
+  With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men:
+  We shall always retort with a sting when we're stung,
+  With the bees in our bonnet, the D's on our tongue.
+  And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a myth,
+  When an ATKINSON stands in the shoes of a SMITH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GENUS IRRITABILE.
+
+_First Bard._ "SEEN MY SONNETS IN THE _PACIFIC WEEKLY_?"
+
+_Second Bard._ "YES."
+
+_First Bard._ "LIKE THEM?"
+
+_Second Bard._ "WELL,--A--_CANDIDLY_--I--"
+
+_First Bard._ "OH, IF IT COMES TO THAT, _CANDIDLY_ I ALWAYS HATED YOUR
+BEASTLY BALLADES AND RONDELS AND ROT IN THE _ERECHTHEUM_--BUT I HAD
+THE DECENCY NOT TO _TELL_ YOU SO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION.
+
+THE OPTIMIST.
+
+The British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared.
+
+It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of
+defence--the Army.
+
+The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were met with
+such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery, that they had to
+abandon the attempt in despair--at least for awhile. They retired
+for the night, and on the following morning were in front of
+Westgate-on-Sea. It was then found how wise the Committee of Home
+Defence had been in their recommendation. Feeling sure that the forces
+of the Crown would be ample to beat back any hostile attempt to seize
+a town the centre of one of the best of charities (St. Michael's
+Convalescent Home), the Committee had deprecated the suggestion of
+erecting extensive fortifications. Practically Westgate was without
+walls. But there was a better defence than brickwork. The Authorities
+had not been idle during the night, having utilised the Pause in the
+war to bring up two magnificent battalions of Militia--the 7th Rifle
+Brigade and the 4th Cheshire Regiment. Thus when the enemy succeeded
+in effecting a landing, they found themselves confronted by the very
+flower of the British Army. In ten minutes the hostile host were
+crumpled up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat.
+
+During the following week the entire army of the foe was allowed to
+land in England, and were speedily exterminated. The contract given
+out by Government to an advertising undertaker was the means of making
+that contractor's fortune. Within ten days England was absolutely free
+from invasion.
+
+"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest
+tactician of the century.
+
+"Surprised!" echoed the other. "Why it was what we all expected from
+the first!"
+
+THE PESSIMIST.
+
+The British Fleet, by a carefully calculated plan, had disappeared.
+It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of
+defence--the Army.
+
+The enemy, although somewhat depressed at the losses they had
+sustained, attempted to land, and of course were successful. The
+picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of the Royal Horse
+Artillery, opened fire, but without the smallest effect. On the
+following morning the main force of the enemy appeared in front of
+Margate, the recently fortified port. It was then found how foolish
+the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation.
+Feeling doubtful of the means the Government would have at their
+command to defend an unprotected town, they had ordered every village
+on the coast to be surrounded by the most intricate network of
+bricks and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these elaborate
+preparations were valueless. The troops of the enemy poured into
+Margate almost without opposition. The forts were silenced in five
+minutes, and although on the following morning the Household Brigade
+came to the rescue, the assistance thus afforded was of no avail.
+
+During the succeeding week the entire army of the foe was allowed to
+land in England, and were immediately victorious. The contract for
+finding them lodgings in London made somebody's fortune. Within a week
+England was grovelling in the dust at the feet of her conquerors.
+
+"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest
+tactician of the century.
+
+"Surprised!" he echoed--"why it was what we all expected from the
+first!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW RIDDLE (WITH THE OLD ANSWER).--Where was ISAACS when the
+Balance-Sheet went out?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. II.
+
+    SCENE--_Courtyard of the "Grand Hôtel du Lion Belgique et
+    d'Albion," at Brussels. It is just after Table d'hôte;
+    PODBURY and CULCHARD are sitting on a covered terrace, with
+    coffee._
+
+_Podbury_ (_producing a pipe_). Not such a bad dinner! Expect they'll
+rook us a lot for it, though. Rather fun, seeing the waiters all troop
+in with a fresh course, when the proprietor rang his bell. Like a
+ballet at the Empire--eh?
+
+_Culchard_ (_selecting a cigarette_). I'm not in a position to say. I
+don't affect those places of entertainment myself.
+
+_Podb._ Oh! Where _do_ you turn in when you want to kick up your heels
+a bit? Madame Tussaud's? I say, why on earth didn't you talk to that
+old bloke next to you at dinner? He was trying all he knew to be
+friendly.
+
+_Culch._ Was he? I daresay. But I rather understood we came out with
+the idea of keeping out of all that.
+
+_Podb._ Of course. _I'm_ not keen about getting to know people. He had
+no end of a pretty daughter, though. Mean to say you didn't spot her?
+
+[Illustration: "Wanted to know if you were my Tutor!"]
+
+_Culch._ If by "spotting" you mean--was I aware of the existence of a
+very exuberant young person, with a most distressing American accent?
+I can only say; that she made her presence sufficiently evident. I
+confess she did not interest me to the point of speculating upon her
+relationship to anybody else.
+
+_Podb._ Well--if you come to that, I don't know that I--still, she was
+uncommonly--(_Happens to glance round, and lowers his voice._) Jove!
+she's in the Reading-room, just behind us. (_Hums, with elaborate
+carelessness._) La di deedle-lumpty--loodle-oodle-loo--
+
+_Culch._ (_who detests humming_). By the way, I wish you hadn't been
+in such a hurry to come straight on. I particularly wanted to stop at
+Bruges, and see the Memlings.
+
+_Podb._ I do like that! For a fellow who wants to keep out of people's
+way! They'd have wanted you to stay to lunch and dinner, most likely.
+
+_Culch._ (_raising his eyebrows_). Hardly, my dear fellow--they're
+pictures, as it happens.
+
+_Podb._ (_unabashed_). Oh, are they? Any way, you've fetched up your
+average here. Weren't there enough in the Museum for you?
+
+_Culch._ (_pityingly_). You surely wouldn't call the collection here
+exactly representative of the best period of Flemish Art?
+
+_Podb._ If you ask me, I should call it a simply footling show--but
+you were long enough over it. (CULCHARD _shudders slightly, and
+presently pats his pockets_.) What's up now? Nothing gone wrong with
+the works, eh?
+
+_Culch._ (_with dignity_). No--I was merely feeling for my note-book.
+I had a sudden idea for a sonnet, that's all.
+
+_Podb._ Ah, you shouldn't have touched those mussels they gave us with
+the sole. Have a nip of this cognac, and you'll soon be all right.
+
+    [_CULCHARD scribbles in lofty abstraction; PODBURY hums;
+    Mr. CYRUS K. TROTTER, and his daughter, MAUD S. TROTTER,
+    come out by the glass door of the Salon de Lecture, and seat
+    themselves at an adjoining table_.
+
+_Miss Trotter_. Well, I guess it's gayer out here, anyway. That
+Reading Saloon is just about as lively as a burying lot with all the
+tombs unlet. I want the address of that man who said that Brussels was
+a second Parrus.
+
+_Mr. Trotter_. Maybe we ain't been long enough off the cars to
+jedge yet. Do you feel like putting on your hat and sack, and sorter
+smellin' round this capital?
+
+_Miss T._ Not any. I expect the old city will have to curb its
+impatience to see me till to-morrow. I'm tired some.
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). Confound it, how can I--! (_Looks up, and
+observes_ Miss T. _with a sudden attention_). That fellow PODBURY
+has better taste than I gave him credit for. She _is_ pretty--in her
+peculiar style--_quite_ pretty! Pity she speaks with that deplorable
+accent.
+
+    [_Writes--"Vermilion lips that sheathe a parrot tongue," and
+    runs over all the possible rhymes to "tongue."_
+
+_Podb._ (_observing that his pencil is idle_). Gas cut off again? Come
+for a toddle. You don't mean to stick here all the evening, eh?
+
+_Culch._ Well, we might take a turn later on, and see the effect of
+St. Gudule in the moonlight.
+
+_Podb._ Something _like_ a rollick that! But what do you say to
+dropping in quietly at the Eden for an hour or so, eh? Variety show
+and all that going on.
+
+_Culch._ Thanks--variety shows are not much in my line; but don't mind
+me if you want to go.
+
+    [_PODBURY wanders off, leaving CULCHARD free to observe
+    Miss TROTTER._
+
+_Miss T._ CHARLEY writes he's having a lovely time in Germany going
+round. I guess he isn't feeling so cheap as he did. I wish he'd come
+along right here.
+
+_Mr. T._ I presume he's put in all the time he had for Belgium--likely
+we'll fetch up against him somewhere before he's through.
+
+_Miss T._ Well, and I don't care how soon we do, either. CHARLEY's
+a bright man, and real cultivated. I'm always telling him that he's
+purrfectly splendid company, considering he's only a cousin.
+
+_Mr. T._ That's so every time. I like CHARLEY VAN BOODELER first-rate
+myself.
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). If CHARLEY VAN BOODELER was _engaged_ to
+her, I suppose he'd be here. Pshaw! What _does_ it matter? Somehow, I
+rather wish now that I'd--but perhaps we shall get into conversation
+presently. Hang it, here's that fellow PODBURY back again! Wish to
+goodness he'd-- (_To PODBURY._) Hallo, so you haven't started yet?
+
+_Podb._ Been having a talk with the porter. He says there's a big fair
+over by the Station du Midi, and it's worth seeing. Are you game to
+come along and sample it, eh?
+
+_Culch._ (with an easy indifference intended for_ Miss T.'s _benefit_).
+No, I think not, thanks. I'm very comfortable where I am.
+
+    [_He resumes his writing._
+
+_Podb._ Well, it's poor fun having to go alone!
+
+    [_He is just going, when Mr. TROTTER rises and comes towards
+    him._
+
+_Mr. T._ You'll excuse me, Sir, but did I overhear you remark that
+there was a festivity in progress in this city?
+
+_Podb._ So I'm told; a fair, down in the new part. I could tell you
+how to get to it, if you thought of going.
+
+_Mr. T._ Well, I don't see how I should ever strike that fair for
+myself, and I guess if there's anything to be seen we're bound to
+_see_ it, so me and my darter--allow me to introduce my darter to
+you--MAUD, this gentleman is Mr.--I don't think I've caught your name,
+Sir--PODBURY?--Mr. PODBURY who's kindly volunteered to conduct us
+round.
+
+_Miss T._ _I_ should have thought you'd want to leave the gentleman
+some say in the matter, Father--not to mention me!
+
+_Podb._ (_eagerly_). But won't you come? Do. I shall be awfully glad
+if you will!
+
+_Miss T._ If it makes you so glad as all that, I believe I'll come.
+Though what you could say different, after Father had put it up so
+steep on you, _I_ don't know. I'll just go and fix myself first.
+
+    [_She goes._
+
+_Mr. T._ (_to PODBURY_). My only darter, Sir, and a real good girl. We
+come over from the States, crossed a month ago to-day, and seen a
+heap already. Been runnin' all over Scotland and England, and kind of
+looked round Ireland and Wales, and now what _we've_ got to do is to
+see as much as we can of Germany and Switzerland and It'ly, and get
+some idea of France before we start home this fall. I guess we're
+both of us gettin' pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was
+sayin' to me on'y this evening at _table d'hôte_, "Father," she sez,
+"the vurry first thing we'll do when we get home is to go and hev a
+good square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat cakes
+and maple syrup." Don't seem as if we _could_ git along without maple
+syrup _much_ longer. (_Miss TROTTER returns._) You never mean going
+out without your gums?
+
+_Miss T._ I guess it's not damp here--any--(_To PODBURY._) Now you're
+going to be _Mary_, and Father and I have got to be the little lambs
+and follow you around.
+
+    [_They go out, leaving CULCHARD annoyed with himself and
+    everybody else, and utterly unable to settle down, to his
+    sonnet again._
+
+IN AN UPPER CORRIDOR, TWO HOURS LATER.
+
+_Culch._ (_coming upon Podbury_). So you've got rid of your Americans
+at last, eh?
+
+_Podb._ _I_ was in no hurry, I can tell you. She's a ripping little
+girl--tremendous fun. What do you think she asked me about _you_?
+
+_Culch._ (_stiff, but flattered_). I wasn't aware she had honoured me
+by her notice. What _was_ it?
+
+_Podb._ Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and wanted to know
+if you were my tutor. My tutor! [_He roars._
+
+_Culch._ I hope you--ah--undeceived her?
+
+_Podb._ Rather! Told her it was t'other way round, and I was looking
+after _you_. Said you were suffering from melancholia, but were not
+absolutely dangerous.
+
+_Culch._ If that's your idea of a joke, all I can say is--
+
+    [_He chokes with rage._
+
+_Podb._ (_innocently_). Why, my dear chap, I thought you wanted 'em
+kept out of your way!
+
+    [_CULCHARD slams his bedroom door with temper, leaving
+    PODBURY outside, still chuckling._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WRONG OF SEARCH.
+
+(_A DREAM OF THE BRITISH INQUISITION._)
+
+The unfortunate foreigner, travel-stained and suffering from the
+after-glow of a stormy passage, crawled up the gangway and was once
+more on land. He carried in his hand a portmanteau.
+
+"Have you anything to declare?" asked an official, in a gold-peaked
+cap and blue frock coat, gruffly.
+
+"Only that your seas are terrible," was the reply.
+
+The official made no answer, but merely pointed to some planks that
+had been placed upon trestles. The foreigner glanced at the people
+who were standing in front of these planks, and noticed that they were
+pale with apprehension.
+
+"Have you anything to declare?" was a second time uttered--now by a
+person less gold-laced. Then the official continued, "Here, open it!"
+
+In a moment the portmanteau was thrown with force on the planks, and
+the foreigner protested.
+
+"I understand you now. I have no cigars--I do not smoke. I have no
+spirits--I am what you call a teatotaller. I have no lace--I am a
+widower."
+
+"Open it!" was once more the cry--this time with great vehemence.
+
+"But I am innocent of concealing anything! Believe me, there is
+nothing to declare! I have some photographic plates--to open them
+is ruin! I prize my shirts--they are heirlooms--if they are roughly
+handled I can never wear them again." And the foreigner wrung his
+hands in his despair.
+
+"If you will not open it," replied the official, unmoved by his
+eloquent appeal, "we shall detain your luggage."
+
+"But this is barbarous--cruel," continued the foreigner, answering
+with excitement. "I have been to Constantinople with its mosques, and
+the Turks have treated me with greater consideration. I have seen the
+glories of Rome with its Forum, the splendours of Petersburg with its
+fortress prison, the treasures of Madrid with its art gallery--and
+everywhere--everywhere I have been treated with greater kindness,
+greater charity than here! And yet you say this is the land of the
+brave and the free!"
+
+"We say nothing of the sort," retorted the official; "we say, open
+it!"
+
+The foreigner, whose pallor was fearful to see, with his teeth
+clenched and his eyes starting from his head, put the key into the
+portmanteau lock, turned it, and the contents of the box was revealed
+to view.
+
+In a moment the officials were upon it--thrusting their inquisitive
+hands here, there, and everywhere. There was a salad of boots,
+waistcoats, collars and brushes. At length they came to the
+photographic plates--they were removed in a trice from their
+receptacle, and held up to the light.
+
+"Have you no hearts!" cried the foreigner, his face streaming
+with tears. "In a moment you have undone the labour of years! That
+plate--now destroyed for ever--when properly developed would have
+revealed the smiling features of my wife's mother! It took me a
+quarter of a century to catch her with such an expression! For when
+she saw me she always frowned. But ah, my shirts, my heirlooms! In the
+name of mercy, spare my shirts!"
+
+But no, once more the appeal was disregarded. The small portmanteau
+was turned inside out. This the official chalked.
+
+"So this is one of the habits of the English," cried the foreigner,
+bitterly.
+
+"Not only the habits, Monsieur," observed a bystander, who trembling
+with apprehension, was waiting his turn; "but the customs. Customs
+that are out of date with the age. Customs that are contrary to the
+spirit of the century. Customs that cost more than they yield, and
+deserve to be cussed!"
+
+"They do," cried the foreigner, excitedly. "May the Customs be--"
+
+"You must not utter that word," interrupted the Revenue Officer, in a
+tone of peremptory command.
+
+"It is British; why not?"
+
+But although the foreigner was baffled in his desire to use the
+appropriate imprecation--he thought it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTH-EATEN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  It is a stifling night; I sit
+    With windows open wide;
+  And the fragrance of the rose is blown
+    And also the musk outside,
+  There's plenty of room for the moths out there
+    In the cool and pleasant gloom;
+  And yet these mad insectual beasts
+    Will swarm into my room.
+
+  I've thrown so many things at him,
+    And thrown them all so hard;
+  There goes the sofa-cushion; that
+    Missed him by half a yard.
+  My hot tears rain; my young heart breaks
+    To see him dodging thus;
+  It is not right for him to be
+    So coy--so devious.
+
+  As I sit by my duplex lamp,
+    And write, and write, and write;
+  They come and drown in the blue-black ink,
+    Or fry themselves in the light.
+  They pop, and drop, and flop, and hop,
+    Like catherine-wheels at play;
+  And die in pain down the back of my neck
+    In a most repulsive way.
+
+  There's a brown moth on the ceiling. He
+    Makes slow and bumpy rounds;
+  Then stops and sucks the whitewash off--
+    He must have eaten pounds.
+  He's only waiting for his chance
+    To take me unaware,
+  And then the brute will drop, and make
+    His death-bed in my hair.
+
+  Why do they do it? Why--ah! why?
+    The dews of night are damp,
+  But the place to dry one's self is not
+    The chimney of a lamp.
+  And sultriness engenders thirst,
+    But the best, the blue-black ink,
+  Cannot be satisfactory
+    Regarded as a drink.
+
+  They are so very many, and
+    I am so very few--
+  They are so hard to hit, and so
+    Elusive to pursue--
+  That in the garden I will wait
+    Until the dawning light,
+  Until the moths all go by day
+    Where I wish they'd go by night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN--IF POSSIBLE!
+
+_Sympathetic Lady Guest_. "DON'T BE UNHAPPY ABOUT THE RAIN, DEAR MRS.
+BOUNDERSON--IT WILL SOON BE OVER, AND YOUR GARDEN WILL BE LOVELIER
+THAN EVER!"
+
+_Little Mrs. Goldmore Bounderson_ (_who is giving her first Garden
+Party_). "YES; BUT I'M AFRAID IT WILL KEEP MY MOST DESIRABLE GUESTS
+FROM COMING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE BRIDGE!
+
+(_A MUCH MODERNISED VERSION OF "THE VISION OF MIRZAH."_)
+
+On the second day of the week, commonly called Saint Monday (which
+according to the Customs of my Forefathers, I always keep as Holiday),
+after having washed myself, and offered up my Morning Devotions at the
+shrine of Nicotine, I turned over the pages of _Bradshaw_, with a view
+to passing the rest of the day in some more or less Rural Retirement.
+
+As I was here confusing myself with the multitudinous Complexities
+of this recondite Tome, I fell into a profound Contemplation of the
+Vanity of human Holiday-making; and, passing from one puzzling page
+to another, Surely, said I, Man is but a Muddler and Life a Maze!
+
+"Right you are!" sounded a mysterious voice in my ear.
+
+The Sound of the voice was exceeding Sweet, and wrought into a
+variety of inflections. It put me in mind of those heavenly Airs that
+are played from the tops of closely-packed wheeled Vehicles, from
+many-keyed Concertinas upon Bank-Holidays. My Heart melted away in
+Secret Raptures. By which signs I--who had read my _Spectator_ at the
+Free Library--knew well that I was in the company of a Genius! It is
+only Genii who drop upon one suddenly and unannounced, with a more or
+less pertinent commentary upon one's Inner Thoughts, in this fashion.
+I felt at once that I was in for the true Addisonian Oriental Apologue
+in all its hybrid incongruity.
+
+I drew near with that Reverence which is due to a Superior--if
+nondescript Nature; and as my Heart was entirely subdued by the
+captivating Voice I had heard, I fell down at his Feet and wept. I
+could hardly have explained why, but 'tis the sort of thing one always
+does in an Eastern Apologue. The Genius smiled upon me with a Look of
+Compassion and Affability that familiarised him to my Imagination, at
+once dispelled all the Fears and Apprehensions with which I approached
+him, and turned off my Tearfulness "at the main," as _Samuel Weller_
+said, concerning the Mulberry One. He lifted me from the ground, and,
+taking me by the hand, "MIRZAH," said he, "I have heard thee in thy
+Soliloquies; follow me!"
+
+Now, my name is _not_ MIRZAH, but MATTHEW. Yet, after all, it did not
+much matter, and I felt it would be in questionable taste to correct a
+Genius.
+
+He then led me to the highest Pinnacle of a Rock, and, placing me on
+the Top of it, "Cast thy Eyes yonder," said he, "and tell me what
+thou seest." "I see," said I, "a huge Valley, and a prodigious Roadway
+running through it." "The Valley that thou seest," said he, "is the
+Vale of Travel, and the Roadway that thou beholdest is part of the
+great Railway System." "What is the Reason," said I, "that the Roadway
+I see rises out of a thick Mist at one End, and again loses itself
+in a thick Mist at the other?" "Monopoly and Muddle freely engender
+Mists," responded the Genius. "Examine now," said he, "the Roadway
+that is bounded with Darkness at both ends, and tell me what thou
+discoverest in it." "I see a Bridge," said I, "standing in the midst
+of the Roadway." "Consider it attentively," said he.
+
+Upon a more leisurely Survey of it--a Survey which, meseemed, it would
+have been well had Others made with similar Attentiveness--I found
+that the Arch thereof looked shaky and insecure; moreover, that a
+Great and Irregular-shaped Cleft or Crack ran, after the fashion of a
+Lightning-flash in a Painted Sea-scape, athwart the structure thereof
+from Keystone to Coping. As I was regarding this unpleasing Portent,
+the Genius told me that this Bridge was at first of sound and
+scientific construction, but that the flight of Years, Wear and Tear,
+vehement Molecular Vibration, and, above all, Negligent Supervision,
+had resulted in its present Ruinous Condition.
+
+"But tell me further," said he, "what thou discoverest on it."
+
+"I see," said I, "if my eyes and the dark Mists and Shadows deceive me
+not, a Figure couched upon the Parapet of the centre Arch thereof."
+As I looked more attentively, I saw that this figure was of a Spectral
+appearance, and Bony withal; albeit, its contours were to some
+extent hidden by its clinging cerement-like garments, and the equally
+clinging and charnel-like shades surrounding it.
+
+[Illustration: ON THE BRIDGE!]
+
+Only an Attent, and, as it were, complacently Anticipative Visage, of
+an osseous and ogreish Aspect, gleamed lividly forth therefrom, as the
+Apparition appeared to Look and Listen through the Mist at one end of
+the Bridge for the welcome Sight of Disaster, the much desired Sound
+of Doom. A shrill and sibilant Metallic Shriek seemed to cleave the
+Shadows into which the Spectre gazed; a Violent Vibratory Pulsation,
+as of thudding iron nails threshing upon a resonant steel floor,
+seemed to heat the Roadway, shake the Bridge, and as it appeared to
+me to widen the levin-like Cleft or Crack which disfigured the Arch
+thereof.
+
+Then did I quake inwardly and breathe short. "What, O Genius," I
+cried, "signifieth the Spectre, who thus sitteth On the Bridge, what
+forebodeth the Aspect of eager Anticipation, and for what doth he so
+gloatingly and expectantly Wait?"
+
+"This," responded the Genius, gravely, "is Insatiate Death waiting for
+Inevitable Accident!"
+
+I gazed with inexpressible melancholy upon the unhappy Scene. At
+length said I, "Show me now, I beseech thee, the Secrets that lie hid
+under those dark Mists which cover the regions to the right which you
+suggest are the realms of Monopoly and Muddle." The Genius making me
+no Answer, I turned about to address myself to him a Second time, but
+I found that he had left me. I then turned again to the Vision, but
+instead of the Roadway, the arched Bridge and the Attent Anatomy,
+I saw nothing but my own parlour, and my wife MARY picking up the
+_Bradshaw's Guide_ which had fallen from my sleep-relaxed hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On that particular Saint Monday I took, not as I had intended, a
+Railway Excursion to Rural Parts, but, telling MARY--to her manifest
+concern--that I Had Altered my Mind as regarded our Holiday, I
+betook myself to the "Blue Boar" at the corner, and passed the day in
+Safety--and Solitary Smoking! Next morning, however, I read something
+in the papers which led me to believe that Railwaydom Aroused meant
+exorcising and evicting that Sinister Spectre, "regardless of Cost;"
+and I shall look forward to my next Holiday Outing with a mind
+Relieved and Reassured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  The man who got in at Blackfriars
+  Was smoking the foulest of briars,
+    But it went out all right--
+    Could I give him a light?--
+  Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.
+
+  I've frequently noticed the Temple
+  Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
+    And that's why I've made
+    This verse somewhat blank,
+  And rather disregarded the metre.
+
+  How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross?
+  It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
+    Some people, of course,
+    Would rhyme it with "horse,"
+  But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
+
+  A woman at Westminster Bridge
+  Had got just a speck on the ridge
+    Of her Romanesque nose.
+    "It's a black, I suppose,"
+  She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.
+
+  One man from the Park of St. James,
+  Had really the loftiest aims;
+    In the hat-rack he sat,
+    Used my hair as a mat,
+  And when I demurred called me names.
+
+  I bought from the stall at Victoria
+  A horrible sixpenny story, a
+    Book of a kind
+    It pained me to find
+  For sale at our English emporia.
+
+  I found when I got to Sloane Square
+  That my ticket was gone; my despair
+    Was awful to see,
+    Till at last to my glee
+  I looked in my hat--it was there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ILL-LUMINANTS!
+
+    ["Sir E. WATKIN is about to introduce the Electric Light on
+    the summit of Snowdon."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+Just started up Snowdon by Sir E. WATKIN's combined Galvano-Electric
+and Pneumatic Despatch Line, from Llanberis. Goes nearly to top. What
+a blessing! Saved all the bother of the mount. Go in tennis-shoes, as
+I'm told there's next to no climbing to be done.
+
+Splendid day for view. Comfortable carriages. Hullo! what's this?
+Find myself suddenly shot into a mountain tarn. A Yankee would call
+it "tarnation cold." Get out dripping. Guard of train explains that
+"battery must be rather too strong this morning." Train put on line
+again. Up we go! Shivery. If I'd known this sort of thing went on, I'd
+have brought towels.
+
+At Terminus, three-quarters way up, in a bleak and exposed crag,
+plastered with advertisements. Day not quite so glorious. Fog coming
+on. Or is it "Scotch mist?" But what has a Scotch mist to do in Wales?
+Ask engine-driver's opinion. He has none. "Then which is the way
+up?" Doesn't know. "_His_ way is down." Must speak to Sir E.W. about
+engine-driver.
+
+Ascent continued. Leads down-hill. Curious. Sound of dashing waterfall
+close by. _Must_ see it. Turn round a corner. No waterfall at all,
+only the Electric-Light-generating station! Noise I heard was the
+"machinery in motion." _Query_--does an iron shed with chimney pouring
+out factory smoke, add to charms of wild scenery?
+
+More surprises! Find an "Automatic Delivery" pillar! Curious sight
+on a mountain. Put a penny in, and you get a small book--_Guide to
+Snowdonia_. Thanks! But what I want is a guide to top. Fog worse than
+ever. Believe I've missed my way.
+
+_Five hours later_.--I _had_. Shoes utterly worn out. Awfully, tired.
+Hit on top by mere accident. Resting in new hotel. Scrumptious, but
+dear. Don't care! Electric Light. What system? Waiter says "Brush."
+Must be 'air-brush up here, I fancy! Anyhow no good in a fog. Shall
+suggest foghorn to Sir E. WATKIN for thick weather. Also guides
+waiting at Crag Terminus. Bottle of beer. Divine! View? None, and
+don't want any. More beer. Electric Light better than I thought.
+Electricity is life. Electricity is also beer. More beer, please!
+Waiter asks "if I sleep at top?" Beds only two guineas a night. Of
+course I do! "Then shall he wake me for sunrise?" He'd better _not_.
+Goo' night! Sowdn--mean Snowdn--great sksess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HER VIOLETS!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  She gave them to me when the dance was done,
+    Her eyes all lighted with the ecstasy
+  Of triumph in the crushing contest won,
+    Of all the joy of girlish victory.
+  She gave them to me as we mounted up,
+    With all the bold effrontery that dares
+  To face the aged ones, who've come to sup,
+    And sidles off to alcoves on the stairs.
+
+  She gave them to me, but some sprays, I know,
+    All dying then, as though life's task were laid
+  To rest within that burning breast of snow;
+    And there the last great debt of all were paid.
+  She gave them to me, and my heart did beat,
+    As o'er my hope a greater promise came,
+  And up the narrow way with steps so fleet
+    She went, though I remember'd not her name.
+
+  She gave them to me, and I vow'd that they
+    Should lie upon my heart till years had fled,
+  Till, passing through life's narrow, thorny way,
+    They'd rest with me when life's own leaves were dead.
+  And thus I spoke, and then we wrote the deed,
+    With fervid seal upon the heart's own slab--
+  Alas! alas! how memory runs to seed!--
+    I left her Violets in a beastly cab!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+WATER SUPPLY.--Yes, we have read about the quantities of poisoned
+fish floating in the river somewhere near the "intake" of the Water
+Companies, and agree with you that under such circumstances the
+pretence of supplying a drinkable fluid is somewhat of a "take-in."
+But surely it is hardly necessary to adopt the extreme step you
+contemplate, of stationing an expert Thames fisherman at the side of
+your cistern night and day, in order to catch any fish that may come
+through the pipes. The Companies' filtering system may not be worth
+much, but it ought to be able to keep out something under the size of
+a whale.
+
+HOLIDAY TRAVELLING.--You say that recent disclosures about Railway
+Bridges have made you nervous. The plan of personally inspecting
+every bridge your train will pass over on your way to Scotland is
+an excellent one, if you have time for it. Possibly also, a Railway
+Manager might agree to put a specially light engine to your train.
+As you say you are going to take a couple of tourist tickets, third
+class, it would probably pay him well to make any little alteration of
+that kind.
+
+IMPECUNIOSITY.--We cannot help you. Reading the Riot Act and then
+assaulting them with a poker is not the best way of getting the
+Bailiffs out of a house. Try gentle persuasion. If you have recently
+had a case of black typhus in the house, you might mention the fact to
+them, and see what they say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LADIES IN THE HOUSE. THE SUCCESS OF THE SEASON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.]
+
+THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON.
+
+SIR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS COVENT-GARDENIUS HARRIS, C.C.C.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULE OF THREE.
+
+(A POSSIBLE SCENE OF THE FUTURE.)
+
+    PLAN OF ACTION.--_Somewhere conveniently situated for
+    all parties. The King, the Kaiser, and the Emperor,
+    discovered discussing the Treaty that has now been in force
+    for some years._
+
+_Kaiser_ (_with assumed cheerfulness_). Well, my dear Brothers, it is
+really time you should do something. It is not on my own account that
+I am anxious, but on yours--purely on yours.
+
+_King_ (_dryly_). Certainly!
+
+_Emperor_ (_with a smile_). No doubt! Pray proceed.
+
+_Kaiser_ (_addressing Italy_). Well, my dear friend, as I am afraid
+we are on the eve of a contest with France, I must beg of you to place
+three Army Corps upon your Alpine frontiers.
+
+_King_ (_with assumed surprise_). Why should I do this? It will be
+most inconvenient!
+
+_Kaiser_. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty.
+
+_Emperor_ (_interposing_). Your pardon, that stipulation was
+suppressed at King HUMBERT's request.
+
+_Kaiser_ (_annoyed_). Oh, was it! Then, my friend, perhaps you will
+be so good (as my relations with the CZAR are strained almost to
+breaking), as to station troops on the Russian frontier beyond Cracow.
+
+_Emperor_ (_with improvised astonishment_). Why should I do this? It
+will be most inconvenient.
+
+_Kaiser_. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty.
+
+_King_ (_interposing_). Your pardon; that stipulation was suppressed
+at the request of the Emperor of AUSTRIA.
+
+_Kaiser_. Oh, was it? (_Losing his temper._) Then I consider the whole
+affair as gross a swindle as--
+
+_Emperor_ (_interrupting_). Nay, Sire, remember your birth and
+position! It is a passing annoyance, but it should not move you.
+Remember, you are a Hohenzollern! Let me offer you a cigarette.
+
+_Kaiser_ (_calming down_). Well, perhaps I had better be quiet. It is
+more dignified.
+
+_King_ (_helping himself to the Emperor's cigarette-case_). Let me
+join you.
+
+_Kaiser_. But I say, what use is the Treaty to either of us?
+
+_Emperor_ (_with a smile_). Properly treated, it is of service to us
+all. (_Lights it, and offers it to his two partners_). It will serve
+as a spill for our cigarettes! [_Scene closes in upon the Treaty
+ending in smoke._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WELL DONE, DEAR!
+
+  We've levelled farms, we've planted trees,
+    And many mighty men of means
+  Have shot at deer, and, if you please,
+    A DEAR has shot and won the Queen's!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 20_.--"Man and boy I've sat in this
+House for seven years," said WHITTAKER ELLIS, as he reposed behind
+Ministers diffusing a sense of aldermanic respectability over an
+appreciable area of space; "never have I seen Irish Estimates got
+through in this style. LORD LIEUTENANT has his salary voted without
+a word of comment, and CHIEF SECRETARY will, I believe, get his in a
+couple of hours. Have known the time when it wasn't done in a couple
+of nights."
+
+[Illustration: Aldermanic Respectability.]
+
+Strange indeed the scene; not thirty Members present whilst the
+Woluminous WEBB goes all the way back to the Tipperary riots in search
+of text for dreary observations; then fearsome speeches by FLYNN and
+P.J. POWER. Some fillip to proceedings when JORDAN rolls in.
+
+JORDAN is Member of Parliament for Clare, as he once or twice
+incidentally remarked. Evidently much impressed by distinction.
+House laughs at reiterated claim. The billows of Jordan rise; had
+no personal objection to Prince ARTHUR, he said, but "as Member of
+Parliament for Clare" had to complain of him in his official capacity.
+What had he done? "He has given Clare such a resident Magistrate as
+CECIL ROCHE, a low tyrannical man, who ordered a low policeman to
+seize me--me, Member of Parliament for Clare."
+
+JORDAN glared round on laughing House; quite incomprehensible what
+they should be guffawing at. Marvel increased when he introduced
+Father GILLIKAN on the scene,
+
+[Illustration: "Member of Parliament for Clare."]
+
+"What had happened to Father GILLIKAN?" JORDAN roared, fixing a
+bloodshot eye on ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, who had just dropped in on Treasury
+Bench. "Why, Father GILLIKAN had been sent to prison for a speech
+delivered in the middle of the River Shannon."
+
+House shouted with laughter; began again when JORDAN explained that
+Father GILLIKAN, though he had been making a speech in the middle
+of the River Shannon at the moment of his arrest, was primarily in a
+boat. Even that didn't mend matters, and JORDAN, giving up attempt to
+understand ill-timed hilarity of House, dried up.
+
+Later, TIM HEALY turned up, TIM TRUCULENT no more. Where was the
+excited crowd he was wont to address in Sessions of not very long
+ago--the jeering Ministerialists, the applauding Liberals, the
+enthusiastic band of united Irishmen, with PARNELL sitting placid in
+their midst, he only quiet amid the turbulent throng? Now the House
+more than half empty; the audience irresponsive; Prince ARTHUR sitting
+solitary on Treasury Bench with head bowed to hide the blushes that
+had mantled his cheek at hearing TIM extol his improvement since, in
+1887, he tried his prentice hand as Chief Secretary. Prince ARTHUR,
+when he rises, is careful not to introduce a discordant note. He has,
+he says, listened with interest to the able speech of the Hon. and
+learned Gentleman, the Member for North Longford. There must be a
+division for decency's sake; but only 150 Members turn up, and no one
+would have been greatly surprised if Prince ARTHUR and TIM HEALY had
+walked off arm in arm into the same lobby.
+
+[Illustration: Lalor's Lament.]
+
+"Shade of me departed frind, JOSEPH GILLIS," said LALOR, wearily
+rising to go forth to the division, "what d'ye think of us, suppose
+this night you chance to be looking down from whatever answers with
+you to the Strangers' Gallery, where you used to betake yourself after
+being suspended?"
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Votes in Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday_.--The alliance, offensive and defensive, established between
+the two Houses of Legislature by Lord DENMAN and Mr. ATKINSON been
+temporarily blighted by machinations of the enemy.
+
+DENMAN, the other night, wanted to move for return showing how many
+times he had been in attendance. House said it didn't particularly
+care to know. DENMAN insisted; then the MARKISS, as usual, appeared on
+the scene, and moved that DENMAN shouldn't be heard for remainder of
+sitting. DENMAN, never at loss in Parliamentary strategy, wanted to
+move that the MARKISS's motion should be put from Chair on that day
+ten months. But LORD CHANCELLOR, well known to be in league with the
+MARKISS, promptly put question. Before DESMAN knew where he was (a not
+unfamiliar access of haziness) Motion put, declared to be carried, and
+he condemned to sit silent for rest of evening.
+
+Same tactics, slightly varied, carried on to effacement of other wing
+of allied forces. ATKINSON wanted to put question to JOKIM about his
+Coinage Bill. Took some pains in framing it; handed it in at
+table; next day question appeared on paper shorn of its oratorical
+excellencies.
+
+"How is this?" says ATKINSON, addressing the SPEAKER.
+
+"Question full of errors," SPEAKER explained.
+
+"Will the Right Hon. Gentleman kindly state them?" said ATKINSON,
+folding his arms, and looking triumphantly round the House. Had the
+SPEAKER now. He would go into particulars. Sure to leave opening for
+master of argumentative tactics; ATKINSON would dart in and pink him
+amid applause of Senate. Public business might be delayed, but what of
+that? House liked intellectual treat.
+
+SPEAKER, however, not so unwary as he looked. Took no notice of
+ATKINSON's inquiry; went on to next business. ATKINSON wrote to Clerks
+for explanation. No reply; so to-day gives notice of Vote of Censure
+on SPEAKER and Clerks.
+
+"Sorry to be driven to this course, dear TOBY," he said, when I
+ventured to remonstrate with him on his remorseless career; "have the
+greatest respect for the SPEAKER; shrink from depriving the Clerks at
+table of means of livelihood. But an example must be made. Effect not
+confined to walls of this Chamber. My Motion of Censure on the SPEAKER
+will strike terror to the House of Lords, and go long way to deliver
+my noble friend DENMAN from thraldom under which a too sensitive
+nature lies bound hand and foot. The House need apprehend no
+inconvenience to the course of public business. Last night, in
+response to a bait artfully thrown out by Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, I felt it
+my duty to rise in my place and announce that nothing would induce me
+to take office under the Crown. But in the matter of the SPEAKER, I
+shall recognise my personal responsibility, and when, in consequence
+of my Motion of Censure, he withdraws into private life, _I_ will take
+the Chair."
+
+_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply.
+
+_Thursday_.--Haven't seen SEYMOUR KEAY lately. Report in House is,
+that he has been close and interested attendant on CATHCART case.
+Rumour receives some confirmation from circumstance that to-day,
+CATHCART case concluded, KEAY suddenly turns up full of spirits
+and valuable information. Subject (Land Purchase Bill back from
+Lords) particularly attractive to him, since it is bristling with
+obscurities. Once, when a Lords Amendment submitted, TIM HEALY asked
+what it meant. MADDEN sprang up with reassuring alacrity and said a
+few words, apparently of explanation. Didn't clear up anything; TIM
+insisted on wanting to know, you know; MADDEN nervously read and
+reread Amendment, couldn't make head or tale of it, but wouldn't do
+for ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND to say so. Accordingly smiled on TIM
+with pitying air of superiority. "Couldn't understand what the Lords
+meant by their Amendment? Well, well; surprised at such confession
+from one of TIM's acuteness."
+
+Prince ARTHUR all the while turning over Amendment; at length
+interposed. "The Hon. and learned Gentleman opposite," he observed,
+"asks for an explanation of this Amendment; I frankly tell him I
+cannot give it. I don't understand it myself, and as it would be
+undesirable to include in the Act a provision that might lead to
+controversy, we will strike it out."
+
+"And thus are our laws made!" said SHIRESS WILLS, throwing out his
+hands in astonishment.
+
+[Illustration: "Thus are our Laws made!"]
+
+Certainly a narrow escape. It was after this that KEAY's
+patent-leather boots glistened on the floor of House as he walked up
+to take seat below Gangway. Determined to make up for lost time; led
+astray in all directions; SPEAKER called him to order with increasing
+sternness; HENNIKER HEATON asked if he might move that for rest of
+Session he be no longer heard; SPEAKER evidently sorely tempted; here
+was a short sure way out of the difficulty. Faltered a moment, then
+rose heroically to sense of duty; put aside proposal, and KEAY went
+on again for another half-hour. "A long rigmarole," JOKIM called the
+speech. This not Parliamentary, but no one objected.
+
+_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill got ready for Royal Assent.
+
+_Friday._--Nothing can exceed MORTON's obliging disposition; talked
+for half an hour just now on subject of fortune-telling. Members
+can't prevent ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS from making speeches, but they needn't
+listen; so kept up lively conversation whilst ALPHEUS talked to
+CLEOPHAS. When he sat down, it appeared he had desired that his
+remarks should reach ear of Home Secretary; concluded by asking
+question; MATTHEWS unwarily protested, that, owing to noise in House,
+he had not been able to catch the drift of the Hon. Gentleman's
+remarks.
+
+"Oh, very well," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, "I'll repeat them."
+
+"No! no!" MATTHEWS almost shrieked.
+
+"No trouble at all," said ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, and he set off again,
+making his speech once more. _Business done._--Very little.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE BENEFIT OF ZOILUS.
+
+SHAKSPEARE speaks of "the maiden virtue of the Crown." And the word
+"maiden" bears, in certain constructions, the meanings, "fresh, new,
+youthful, &c." But when _Mr. Punch_, comparing generally "Fifty Years
+Syne" with To-day, says:--
+
+  "Then HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the Throne,"
+
+"A SEPTUAGENARIAN" acidly objects, and twits _Mr. Punch_ with
+premature failure of memory. "Aha! I know that man!" says _Mr. P._
+_Mr. Punch_, of course, merely meant that about fifty years ago HER
+MAJESTY was a very youthful Sovereign. Moreover, the comparison made
+between "Then and Now" was not intended to be confined rigorously to
+"July 17, 1841," as is shown in the previous stanza, which says:--
+
+  "Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song which moved a world to tears,"
+
+meaning "_The Song of the Shirt_," which, as explained in a footnote,
+was not published until 1843. Had _Mr. Punch_ written with the fear of
+ZOILUS before his eyes, he might have appended _another_ foot-note, to
+explain--for the benefit of ZOILUS--that he did _not_ mean to convey
+the idea that HER MAJESTY was unmarried when _he_ first made his
+appearance. Whereto the reply of the Public--all but ZOILUS--would
+probably have been, "Whoever supposed you _did_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THEN YOU'LL REMEMBER ME!"--Among the names of those who, within the
+last ten years, have done good work for _Mr. Punch_ ought to have
+appeared that of Mr. SAVILE CLARKE, whose _cri du coeur_ from foreign
+shores has reached _Mr. P.'s_ ears and touched _Mr. P.'s_ heart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+L'ENTENTE CORDIALE.--A portion of the French Fleet is soon to be
+entertained on English shores. The first of these vessels sighted as
+it approaches will be sufficient evidence of their French ship towards
+us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, August 1, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 13466.txt or 13466.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/6/13466/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+