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diff --git a/old/13446-8.txt b/old/13446-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe33d0c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13446-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1747 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +July 18, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 18, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 12, 2004 [EBook #13446] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 18, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. II.--TO SOCIAL AMBITION. + + +DEAR SIR, OR MADAM, + +I had not intended to annoy you with another letter. But since I +addressed you last week I have received one or two communications--not +from you, _bien entendu_, for you are too wary to dispute the accuracy +of what I have written; but from concrete human beings, who pretend to +speak on your behalf, and deny that I have "proved my case." I might +answer by saying that I never set out to prove a case--that I wished +merely to enjoy a friendly chat with you, and to appeal to your +clemency on behalf of the large class whom I ventured to represent by +the DABCHICKS. "But," says one of my detractors, in a letter now lying +before me, "you have only given one instance. You have talked grandly +about Queens, and Dukes, and actresses, and, in the end, you have +put us off with a wretched story about the _parvenu_ DABCHICK. For +my part, I refuse to admit your authority until you prove, in greater +detail, that you really know something of the subject on which you +presumed to write." "Sir," I reply, "you are brusque, and somewhat +offensive in the style you use towards me. For my part I do not admit +that you are entitled to an answer from me, and I have felt disposed +to pass you by in silence. But since there may be other weak vessels +of your sort, I will do violence to myself, and pen another letter." +And thus, my dear SOCIAL AMBITION, I once more take the liberty of +addressing you, not without an inward tremor lest you should pounce +upon me unawares, and cause me to expiate my rashness by driving me +from the calm seclusion in which I spend my days, to mingle with the +feverish throng who wrangle for place and precedence, myself the most +feverish wrangler of them all. But, on the principle that we are both, +in some sort, hawks, I think I may trust you to spare my eyes, while I +remind you of one or two incidents in which you bore a part. + +And first BLENKINSOP knocks at the door of my memory. I bid him +enter, and I see a tall slim youth, not ill-favoured, wearing well-cut +clothes, and carrying a most beautiful, gold-topped Malacca cane +delicately in his hand. He is smoking a cigar, and complains to me +that his life is a succession of aimless days, and that he cannot find +any employment to turn his hand to. That very night, I remember, he +dined with me. We went to the play together, and afterwards looked in +at Lady ALICIA PARBOIL's dance. Dear Lady ALICIA, how plump she was, +and how good-natured, and how well she married her fiddle-headed +daughters. Her husband too, that clumsy, heavy-witted oaf, how +cunningly and how successfully withal she schemed for his advancement. +_Quid plura?_ you knew her well, she was devoted to you. I only speak +of her to remind you that it was in her hospitable rooms that GERVASE +BLENKINSOP met you--and his fate. He had danced for the second time +that evening with ELVIRA PARBOIL, and, having returned that blushing +virgin to her accustomed corner, was just about to depart when the +ample form of Lady ALICIA bore down upon him: "Oh, Mr. BLENKINSOP," +her Ladyship began, "I really cannot allow you to go before I +introduce you to Mr. WILBRAHAM. I hear," she continued, "he has just +lost his Private Secretary, and who knows but that--" Here she paused, +and archly tapping her _protégé's_ cheek with her fan, she bore him +off to introduce him to the Cabinet Minister. I watched the ceremony. +Something whispered to me that BLENKINSOP was lost. Must I go through +the whole painful story? He became Private Secretary to his new Right +Honourable friend, and from that moment he was a changed man. His +cheery good-nature vanished. Instead of it he cultivated an air of +pompous importance. One by one he weeded out his useless friends, and +attached to himself dull but potentially useful big wigs who possessed +titles and influence. At one of our last speaking interviews (we +only nod distantly now when we meet), he hinted that in the next +distribution of honours his name might be expected. It appeared, but, +alas for gratitude, he had to satisfy himself with a paltry K.C.M.G., +which his wife (I forgot to say that he married ELVIRA) despises. +He is now a disappointed man whom his friends, if he had any, would +pity. He is getting on in life; the affectations he so laboriously +cultivated no longer amuse. The witlings of his Clubs remark openly +upon his ridiculous desire to pose as an earth-shaking personage, and +when he goes home he has to listen to a series of bitter home-truths +from the acrid ELVIRA. Would it not, I ask, have been better for +Sir GERVASE BLENKINSOP, K.C.M.G., to have continued his ancient and +aimless existence, than to have had a fallacious greatness dangled +before his eyes to the end of his disappointed, but aspiring life? + +[Illustration] + +One more instance, and I have done. Do you remember TOMMY TIPSTAFF at +Trinity? I do. He was, of course, a foolish youth, but he might have +had a pleasant life in the fat living for which his family intended +him. In his second year at the University, he met Sir JAMES SPOOF, +an undergraduate Baronet, of great wealth, and dissolute habits. Poor +TOMMY was dazzled by his new friend's specious glare and glitter, and +his slapdash manner of scattering his money. They became inseparable. +The same dealer supplied them with immense cigars, they went to +race meetings, and tried to break the ring. When Sir JAMES wished to +gamble, TOMMY was always ready to keep the bank. And all the time poor +Mrs. TIPSTAFF, in her country home, was overjoyed at her darling's +success in what she told me once was the most brilliant and remarkable +set at Cambridge. + +Where is TOMMY now? The other day a ragged man shambled up to me, +with a request that I should buy a box of lights from him. There was +a familiar something about him. Could it be TOMMY? The question was +indirectly answered, for, before I could extract a penny, or say a +word, he looked hard at me, turned his head away, and made off as fast +as his rickety legs would carry him. Most men must have had a similar +experience, but few know, as I do, that you, my dear SOCIAL AMBITION, +urged the wretched TOMMY to his destruction. + +On the whole, I dislike you. Those who obey you become the meanest of +God's creatures. + +Pardon my candour, and believe me, Yours, without respect, DIOGENES +ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +AUTHOR! AUTHOR! + +LORD COLERIDGE's summing up to the Jury in the action taken by _Jones_ +(author of burlesques) v. _Roberts_ (player of the same) was excellent +common sense, a quality much needed in the case. Mr. JONES,--not our +ENERY HAUTHOR, whose contempt for Burlesque generally is as well known +as he can make it,--wrote to Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, formerly of the +Music Halls and now of the legitimate Stage, styling him "Governor," +and professed that he would "fit him to a T." _Poeta nascitur non +"fit_."--and the born burlesque-versifier was true to what would +probably be his comic version of the Latin proverb. But the inimitable +ARTHUR, who does so much for himself on the stage, hardly required any +extraneous help, and at last rejected the result of poor JONES's three +months' hard labour at the Joe-Millery mill. This, however, was no +joke to JONES, who straightway decided that this time he would give +the inimitable ARTHUR something quite new in the way of a jest; and +so, dropping the dialogue, he came to "the action," which, in this +instance, was an action-at-law. Whatever Mr. ROBERTS may have thought +of the words, he will hardly have considered the result of this case +as "good business" from his own private and peculiar point of view. +But all Dramatic Authors,--with the solitary exception of Mr. YARDLEY, +formerly famous in the field, but now better known in "The Lane," at +pantomime time, than to any Court where he has a legal right to appear +in wig and gown,--from the smallest, who write to please a "Governor," +up to the biggest, who write to please themselves, should rejoice at +the decision in the case of _Jones_ v. _Roberts_. + + * * * * * + +AN OMISSION AT THE GUILDHALL LUNCHEON.--On the occasion of the Civic +Banquet to the German EMPEROR, an Alderman, distinguished for his +courtesy to strangers, and his appreciation of good dishes, especially +of anything at all spicy, wished to know why, as a compliment to their +Imperial guest, they had omitted "pickelhaubes" from the bill of fare? +He had understood, from well-informed friends, that the EMPEROR seldom +went anywhere without some "pickelhaubes," whatever they might be, +as he himself, the worthy Alderman, had never had the opportunity of +tasting one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RED QUEEN AND THE WHITE; OR, ALICE IN THUNDERLAND.] + + * * * * * + +JOLLY JULY. + + The storm of rain comes swirling down, + Our helpless flow'rets droop and die; + The thunder crashes o'er the town-- + In wet July. + + Our cricket-match is spoilt, the stumps + We draw beneath a drenching sky; + Then homeward wend in doleful dumps-- + In wet July. + + The lawn's a lake, whereon there float + The balls that erst would o'er it fly; + We can't play tennis from a boat, + In wet July. + + Our garden-party's ruined quite, + Of invitations friends fight shy; + They wisely shun the sloppy sight + In wet July. + + Take that old aneroid away, + A new barometer we'll try; + With hope for haply one fine day-- + In wet July. + + * * * * * + +BEATING THE RECORD.--Mrs. MALAPROP's "Cerberus, as three single +gentlemen rolled into one," was "not in it" last week with H.R.H. the +Prince of WALES, who, in the course of the Royal Entertainments given +to our Imperial Cousin-German, appeared as "a host of illustrious +personages." An admirable performance. + + * * * * * + +A NURSERY ECHO FROM CARLOW. + + PARNELL put the KETTLE on, + TIM HEALY came it rather strong, + HAMMOND was the people's man, + And he's now M.P. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS. + +_Jones_ (_Blue Ribbon--to abstemious Lady he has taken in to dinner_). +"LOOK HERE, MADAM, WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON A _BIT_! EITHER YOU +MUST HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE, OR, BY JOVE, _I_ MUST!!"] + + * * * * * + +ALICE IN THUNDERLAND. + + _Alice_ ... The TH-ND-R-R. _White Queen_ ... H-RC-RT. + _Red Queen_ ... CH-MB-RL-N. + +"I'll tell you what it is, your Majesty," said ALICE in a severe tone +(she was always rather fond of scolding the White Queen), "it'll never +do to swagger about all over the place like that! Dignitaries have to +be dignified, you know!" + +Everything was happening so oddly (since Thunderland had turned +against Blunderland) that she didn't feel a bit surprised at finding +the Red Queen and the White Queen sitting close to her, one on +each side. But she found it rather difficult to be quite civil to +them--especially the White Queen, who had once been rather a favourite +with her, but at whom she now never lost an opportunity of girding. + +"Always speak the truth," said the Red Queen (cocking her nose at the +White)--"think before you speak--and _write it down afterwards_. It's +safest, if you're dealing with _some_ persons." + +"That's just what I complain of," said the White Queen, loftily. "You +couldn't tell the truth--about that Table--if you tried with both +hands." + +"I don't tell the truth with my _hands_," the Red Queen objected, +icily. + +"Nobody said you did," said the White Queen. "Nobody said you told +it _anyhow_. I said you couldn't if you tried. And you _don't_ try +either. So _there_!" + +"She's in that state of mind," said the Red Queen, "that she wants to +deny _something_--only she doesn't know what to deny!" + +"A nasty vicious temper," the White Queen remarked; and then there was +an uncomfortable silence for a month or two. + +The White Queen broke the silence by saying to the Red Queen, "I +invite you to ALICE's Party--which _used_ to be neutral ground--to +explain, if you _can_, that nondescript nonsense of yours about +National Councils as a substitute for Home Rule." + +The Red Queen smiled sourly, and said, "And I invite _you_" + +"I didn't know _I_ was to have a Party at all," said ALICE. "Parties +are things I don't hold with, as a rule; too great a tax and a tie. I +like my freedom, _I_ do. But, if I _am_ to have one, I think _I_ ought +to invite the guests." + +"ALICE of Thunderland, you require some lessons in manners," the White +Queen remarked. + +"Manners are not taught in lessons," said ALICE. "Lessons teach _some_ +people to do sums, and things of that sort." + +"Can you do addition?" the Red Queen asked scornfully of the White. +("Bah, she can't do sums a _bit_!" she added, aside.) + +"She is doubtless better at _Division_," interposed ALICE, +significantly. + +"Divide a State by a Statutory Parliament," said the Red Queen, with a +derisive wink. "What's the right answer to that?" + +"Much the same as dividing a Nation by an indefinite number of +Councils," retorted the White Queen, smartly. "Talk about _tu +quoques_, there's one for you!" + +"Oh, as for that," rejoined the Red Queen, sniffing, "try another +subtraction sum! Take a Grand Old Leader from a 'Party' of discredited +'Items,' and what would remain?" + +"Why, a Policy, of course," replied the White Queen. "And another +Leader," she added, _sotto voce_. "Here's another for _you_," she +pursued, aloud. "Take a Liberal-Unionist Tail from a Radical 'Rat,' +what would remain then?" + +"I suppose _you_ think _nothing_ would remain," sneered the Red Queen. + +"Wrong, as usual," said the White Queen; "the Rat's nasty temper would +remain." + +"But I don't see how!" + +"Why, look here," the White Queen cried; "the Rat would lose its +temper with its 'tail,' wouldn't it?" + +"Perhaps it would," ALICE replied, cautiously. + +"Then, if the 'Rat' went away from its 'Tail,' its temper would +remain," the White Queen exclaimed. + +ALICE said, as gravely as she could. "They might go different +ways--the 'Rat,' the 'Tail,' and the 'Temper.'" But she couldn't help +thinking to herself, "What dreadful nonsense we _are_ talking!" + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY ONE.--A ready-penning writer in his _Daily Graphic_ notice of +doings in the Houses of Parliament, winds up his description of giving +the Royal Assent to Bills in the Upper House with these words--"_So +ends the ceremony, which seems to take one away from the Nineteenth +Century_"--a little sum in subtraction--i.e., take one away from +the Nineteenth Century, and the Eighteenth Century remains; but to +continue--"_back to the days of the Edwards and the Henrys_." But why +go back to any other century than the "so-called Nineteenth"? Isn't it +only a very few years ago that _the_ EDWARDS, the singular HENRY with +plural surname of EDWARDS, sat for Weymouth? What other HENRYS or +EDWARDS could ever occur to any well-conditioned Parliamentary scribe? + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +A RECITATION UNDER DIFFICULTIES. + + SCENE--_An Evening Party; Miss FRESIA BLUDKINSON, a talented + young Professional Reciter, has been engaged to entertain the + company, and is about to deliver the favourite piece entitled, + "The Lover of Lobelia Bangs, a Cowboy Idyl." There is the + usual crush, and the guests outside the drawing-room, who can + neither hear nor see what is going on, console themselves by + conversing in distinctly audible tones. Jammed in a doorway, + between the persons who are trying to get in, and the people + who would be only too glad to get out, is an Unsophisticated + Guest who doesn't know a soul, and is consequently reduced to + listening to the Recitation. This is what he hears:--_ + +[Illustration: "I am only a Cowboy."] + +_Miss Fresia Blud_. (_in a tone of lady-like apology_). + + I am only a Cowboy-- + +[_Several Ladies put up their glasses, and examine her critically, as +if they had rather expected this confession. Sudden burst of Society +Chatter from without._ + +_Society Chatter_. How d'ye do?... Oh, but her parties never _are_!... +How are you?... No, I left her at ... Yes, he's somewhere about ... +Saw you in the Row this mornin'.... Are you doing anything on ----?... +Oh, _what_ a shame!... No, but _doesn't_ she now?... No earthly use +trying to get in at present ... &c., &c. + +_Miss Fresia B._ (_beginning again, with meek despair, a little +louder_). + + I am only a Cowboy; reckless, rough, in an unconventional suit of clothes; + I hain't, as a rule, got much to say, and my conversation is mostly oaths. + + [_Cries of "Ssh!" intended, however, for the people outside, + who are chattering harder than ever._ + + When the cackle of females strikes my ear-- + +_Society Chatter_ (_as before_). Oh, _much_ cooler here ... Yes, +delightful, wasn't it? Everybody one knows ... No, you don't +_really_?... Oh, POPSY's flourishing, thanks ... The new Butler turned +out a perfect demon ... but I said I wouldn't have his tail dooked +for anything ... so they've painted it _eau de Nil_, and it looks _so_ +nice! + +_Miss F.B._ (_pointedly_). + + When the cackle of females strikes my ear, I jest vamose, for they + make me skeered, + And I sorter suspicion I skeer them too, with my hulking form, and + my bushy beard! + + [_Here, of course, she strokes a very round chin._ + +_Society Chatter_. Seems to be somethin' goin' on in there--singin', +actin', dancin', or somethin' ... Well, of course, only heard _her_ +version of it as yet, y'know ... Have you seen him in ... white +bensaline with a Medici collar, and one of those ... nasty gouty +attacks he _will_ have are only rheumatism, &c., &c. + +_Miss F.B._ (_when next heard_). + + I cleared my throat, and I tried to speak--but the words died + strangled-- + +_A Feminine Voice outside_. So _long_ since we had a quiet talk +together! Do tell me all about, &c., &c. + +_Miss F.B._ --strangled by sheer alarm. + + For there in front-- + + [_Here she points dramatically at a stout matron, who fans + herself consciously._ + + --was the slender form, and the sweet girl-face of our + new "School Harm"! + Say, boys! hev' ye heard an Æolian harp which a Zephyr's tremulous + finger twangs? + Wa'al, it kinder thrills ye the way I felt when I first beheld + LOBELIA BANGS! + +_Soc. Chat._ Oh, you really _ought_ to go--so touching! DICK and I +both regularly howled all through the last Act ... Not in the _least_, +thanks. Well, if there _is_ a seat ... You're sure there _are_ any +ices? Then, strawberry, please--no, _nothing_ to drink!... _Will_ you +allow me?... Told she could dress hair perfectly, but I soon found she +was ... a Swedenborgian, my dear, or something horrid ... Haven't you? +_I've_ had it three times, and ... so many people have asked me for +cards that really I ... had the drains thoroughly looked to, and now +they're ... delicious, but rather overpowering in a _room_, I think! +&c., &c. + +_Miss F.B._ (_with genuine feeling_). + + Who would imagine one meek-voiced girl could have held her own, in a + deafening din! + But LOBELIA's scholars discovered soon she'd a dead-sure notion of + discipline; + For her satin palm had a sting like steel, and the rowdiest rebel + respected her, + When she'd stretched out six of the hardest lots in the Bible-Class + with a Derringer! + +_Soc. Chat._ No, a very dull party, you could move about quite easily +in all the rooms, so we ... kicked the whole concern to shivers and +... came on here as soon as we could ... Capital dinner they _gave_ +us, too ... &c., &c. + +_Miss F.B._ (_with as much conviction as possible under the +circumstances_). + + And the silence deepened; no creature stirred in the stagnant hush, + and the only sound + Was the far-off lumbering jolt, produced by the prairie rolling for + leagues around! + +_Soc. Chat._ (_crescendo_). Oh, an old aunt of mine has gone in for +step-dancing--she's had several lessons ... and cut her knees rather +badly, y'know, so I put her out to grass ... and now she can sit +up and hold a biscuit on her nose ... but she really ought to mix a +little grey in her wig! + + [_&c. &c., to the distraction of the Unsophisticated Guest, + who is getting quite interested in LOBELIA BANGS whom he + suddenly discovers, much to his surprise, on horseback._ + +_Miss F.B._ + + And on we cantered, without a word, in the midday heat, on our swift + mustangs. + I was only ignorant Cowboy CLEM--but I worshipped bright LOBELIA BANGS! + +_Soc. Chat._ (_fortissimo_). Not for ages; but last time I met him he +was ... in a dreadful state, with the cook down with influenza ... and +so I suppose he's _married_ her by this time! + +_Miss F.B._ (_excitedly_). + + But hark! in the distance a weird shrill cry, a kinder mournful, + monotonous yelp-- + +(_Further irruption of Society Chatter_) ... is it jackal?--bison?--a +cry for help? + +_Soc. Chat._ Such a complete _rest_, you know--so perfectly peaceful! +Not a soul to talk to. I _love_ it ... but, to really enjoy a tomato, +you must see it dressed ... in the _sweetest_ little sailor suit! + +_Miss F.B._ + + My horse was a speck on the pampas' verge, for I dropped the rein in + my haste to stoop; + Then I pressed my ear to the baking soil--and caught--ah, horror--the + Indian whoop! + +_Soc. Chat._ Some say it _isn't_ infectious, but one can't be too +careful, and, with children in the house, &c., &c. + +_Miss F.B._ + + I rose to my feet with quivering knees, and my face turned white as a + fresh-washed towel; + I had heard a war-cry I knew too well--'twas the murderous band of + Blue-nosed Owl! + +_Soc. Chat._ Nice fellow--I'm very fond of him--so fresh--capital +company--met him when I was over there, &c. + +_Miss F.B._ + + "What? leave you to face those fiends alone!" she cried, and slid from + her horse's back; + "Let me die with you--for I love you, CLEM!" Then she gave her steed a + resounding smack, + And he bounded off; "Now Heaven be praised that my school six-shooter + I brought!" said she. + "Four barrels I'll keep for the front-rank foes--and the next for + you--and the last for me!" + +_Soc. Chat._ Is it a _comic_ piece she's doing, do you know? Don't +think so, I can see somebody smiling. Sounds rather like SHAKSPEARE, +or DICKENS, or one of those fellahs ... Didn't catch what you said. No +Quite impossible to hear oneself speak, _isn't_ it? + +_Miss F.B._ + + And ever louder the demons yelled for their pale-faced prey--but I + scorned death's pangs, + For I deemed it a doom that was half delight to die by the hand of + LOBELIA BANGS! + Then she whispered low in her dulcet tones, like the crooning coo of + a cushat dove! + (_At the top of her voice_). "Forgive me, CLEM, but I could not bear + any squaw to torture my own true love!" + And she raised the revolver--"crack-crack-crack!" + + [_To the infinite chagrin of the Unsophisticated Guest, who + is intensely anxious to hear how Miss BANGS and her lover + escaped from so unpleasant a dilemma--the remaining cracks + of her revolver, together with the two next stanzas, are + drowned in a fresh torrent of small-talk--after which he + hears Miss F.B. conclude with repressed emotion_: + + But the ochre on Blue-nosed Owl was blurred, as his braves concluded + their brief harangues; + And he dropped a tear on the early bier of our Prairie belle, LOBELIA + BANGS! + + [_Which of course leaves him in a state of hopeless + mystification._ + +_Soc. Chat._ Is that the _end_? Charming! Now we shall be able to +_talk_ again! &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHER LAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +(THIRD LETTER.--C.) + +[Illustration: Native Amusements--"A Poor House."] + + +LANDS-CAPE POLITICS. + +Haven't time to send you much information this week, as We,--the firm +of Self and Corresponding Captain,--have had to write rather a heavy +packet for the Daily Graphic. I suppose you will have got Herr Von +GERMAN EMPEROR with you by the time you receive this from yours truly; +or His Imperialness may have quitted your,--that is, our, though +I'm here now,--hospitable shores. _À propos_ of Hospitable Shores, +remember me to the most hospitable of all Shores--Captain SHAW--of +the Fire-and-Water Brigade. My companions--"Jolly companions +everyone"--the Cautious Captain, or the Wily WILLIAMS, Doubting +Doctor, Energetic Engineer, all well. Wily WILLIAMS hard at his MS., +giving an account of the "agricultural and mineral resources" of +the What-can-the-Matterbeland, "through the instrumentality of the +Chartered Company." He's great at this. Think I shall start new +Company--"The Chartered Libertine." If my memory doesn't fail me, +that's a Shakspearian title. But who was the "Chartered Libertine"? I +notice these South-African States are independent of Home Government. +'Pon my word, I fancy W.E.G. was right about Home Rule. On whose +shoulders can the G.O.M.'s mantle fall, without enveloping him in +entire obscurity, except on those of the Leader or the once united, +but now fractured _quartette_ party, "_quorum pars magna fui_?" I +still keep up my Latin, you see. I wasn't sent to Eton for nothing; +nor was any other boy that I've ever heard of. + +[Illustration: Caperycornamental Hairdressing.] + +CAPERS. + +No wonder we've had so many dancing parties at the Cape, when all the +inhabitants are Capers. I make this a present to my dear old DRUMMY; +he can bring it out in his new Persian _Joe Miller_. Cheeky little +street-boys give you Capers' sauce. They can lead you a pretty dance +if you chivy them. + +AMUSEMENTS OF THE BOERS. + +To-day came across a Peep-Boer-Show. Seen it all before. Also a kind +of Punch-and-Judy performance going on, translated into South-African +dialect. There was not a paying public to witness it; and, with all +my desire and with every intention to encourage native talent, I was +compelled to turn away, "more in sorrow than in anger," (SHAKSPEARE +again--_Hamlet's Ghost_, I think,) when the pipe-and-drummer man came +to me for a contribution. Not a penny in my pocket. "I will reimburse +thee nobly," said I, "on my return from the Mine-land." He quoted some +line or other, which I did not catch, and gave the name of the writer, +one "WALKER," as his authority. WALKER is associated in my mind with +an English Dictionary, but, though it has been much added to in recent +years, I doubt whether the words the Showman used on this occasion +can be found in my pocket edition, or in any other edition of that +excellent and trustworthy compilation. + +[Illustration: Native Masher from Masherland.] + +CHANGE OF HAIR. + +Called at native barber's to-day. Gave him no instructions. Thought +of course he was going to cut it; and so fell asleep. I almost +always fall asleep when under the mesmeric influence of a capillary +administrator. I should like him to keep on doing it; cut and comb +again. So soothing! Woke up and found myself--like this. (_See Hair +Cut._) Herewith please receive portrait, and treasure it. + +ARMA VIRUMQUE. + +Must send you a sketch of some of our B.B.B.'s or the Bold Bobbies of +Basuto all armed. Ha! ha! as dear old WOLFFY would have said, "I was +quite _all-armed_ at seeing this!" Hope to be on the track of TOM +TIDDLER's ground very soon. But anyhow till I am _sur la tache_, "on +the spot," any one of these letters of mine (emphasis on the "mine") +of which all are genuine--"proofs before letters" you have in my +signed promise--is well worth a hundred pounds, and cheap at the +price. It's my note of hand in exchange for the cash,--for the "ready +ay ready!" as we say at sea. Away to the fields of gold! + +PROSPECTING POSSIBILITIES. + +N.B.--Rather think I am going to call on Queen ZAMBILI this afternoon. +Ahem! Do you remember the ballads of "_My heart is true to Poll_," +and "_The King of the Owyhees_"? Again, ahem! "Black Queen to mate in +three moves." Of course, can't go in for this sort of thing myself, +but by deputy, eh? Representative Government and King PROXY THE FIRST, +with myself for Prime Minister. How's that Empire? + +[Illustration: "Grandolph, the Explorer."] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR OWN BEN TROVATO.--Said an artistic collector to Mr. PARNELL, +"Now I'll show you a beautiful specimen of CARLO DOLCI." "I wish you +could have shown it me some days ago," replied the Ex-misleader of the +Irish Party, "when I was presented with a specimen of _Carlow_ without +the _Dolci_." + + * * * * * + +COOK'S TOURIST PRIZE JUBILEE JOKE.--_Mem. for Travellers contemplating +a first visit to the Continent_.--Being raw to the business, get +Cook'd. Depend upon it, you won't be "done." + + * * * * * + +"THE HUNDRED BEST BOOKS."--_Punch's_ Half-Yearly Volumes from the +commencement, i.e., July 17, 1841, to June 27, 1891. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES. + +_Fair Visitor_ (_to Hostess_). "WHAT A DELIGHTFUL CONCERT YOU GAVE +US LAST WEDNESDAY, DEAR MRS. JONES! SUCH LOVELY MUSIC!--SUCH SMART +PEOPLE! EVERYBODY ONE KNOWS, YOU KNOW!" + +[_Mrs. Jones's Aunt Tabitha (from whom she has great expectations) +hears of this delightful Concert for the first time!_]] + + * * * * * + +"GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!" + +(_A LONG WAY AFTER "CHILDE HAROLD_.") + + Adieu, adieu. Old Albion's shore! + I leave, to bound the blue. + My Yacht lies yonder! 'Tis a bore, + But I _must_ part from you. + I sniff the brine, I love the sea; + Half Englishman am I. + Farewell to England, and to thee, + Dear Grandmamma--good-bye! + + I leave your isle, the truth to tell, + With qualified regret. + July in London would be well, + But for the heavy wet. + The soaking shower, the sudden squall, + Spare not Imperial "tiles." + May it be dry when next I call, + Your slushiest of isles! + + Yet I've enjoyed my visit, much, + In spite of wet and wind. + I with JOHN BULL have been in touch; + _You_ have been passing kind. + My father and grandfather gone + Once trod your city sad; + Now I the daring deed have done, + And--it is not half bad. + + That Opera Show was quite a sight; + Your Sheriff HARRIS--well-- + AUGUSTUS, after Actium's fight, + Was scarce a greater swell. + The long parade, led by the Blues, + Gave _me_ the blues again. + Not that the citizen were screws, + No, Grand'ma, 'twas that rain! + + I--ahem! _blessed_ it fervently, + Emperors must not complain; + But do, _do_ keep your Babylon dry, + When I come back again. + For Garden Parties, Shows, Reviews, + And civic functions pale, + When water soaks the stoutest shoes, + And it blows half a gale. + + Your Lord MAYOR and his liveried lot, + _They_ know a thing or two. + Speeches of course are always rot, + But then--the skies were blue! + As for your Crystal Palace--ah! + Your pride I would not shock, + But you owe much, dear Grandmamma, + To PAXTON and to BROCK. + + Your warriors are fine, if few; + But still, if you ask _me_, + You leave far too much power to + A Railway Company. + I would not let civilians snub + My paladins--no fear! + But then a Teuton--there's the rub! + Is no mere Volunteer! + + And now I really must be gone + Upon the wide, wide sea. + Stiff state no more shall make me groan, + Hurrah for liberty! + I'm tired to death of functions fine, + And ceremonial rot; + Hurrah for ease! the breezy brine + Tar-toggery, and my Yacht! + + With yonder bark I'll gladly brave + The seas about your isle. + Thanks, Grand'ma, for that kerchief wave, + And that right royal smile! + Welcome, ye billows, tumbling brisk + Beneath a cloud-swept sky! + Give your white kerchief one more whisk, + Dear Grandmamma--Good-bye! + + * * * * * + +SCOTT (ANYTHING BUT) FREE. + + ["It is human nature, after all. When conscientiously I cannot + praise actors or actresses, or authors, they turn their backs + upon me. But when conscientiously I am able to draw attention + to their great merits, they simply overflow."--Mr. CLEMENT + SCOTT, in _The Illustrated London News_.] + + Unlucky Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT! + Since those who act our plays or write them, + Are so exacting that he's got + The greatest trouble to delight them. + When conscience tells him not to praise + They "turn their backs" and will not know him, + When their "great merits" make him raise + His voice--they "simply overflow" him! + + * * * * * + +NOTE FOR AN IMPERIAL DIARY.--There were just a couple or so of real +good wet days for our Imperial and Royal Highnesses. Jupiter Pluvius +ladled it out to us unstintingly in Imperial buckets full. Our Cousin +German, so affectionately dutiful to "Grandmamma," won't forget _La +Rain d'Angleterre_ in a hurry. _Mem._ Next visit to London, bring +fewer uniforms and more waterproofs and umbrellas. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"] + + * * * * * + +IMPERIAL AND OPERATIC. + +[Illustration] + +After considerable calculation as to re-imbursement for present outlay +by a consistent course of future economy, I took a six-guinea stall +for the EMPEROR's state visit to the Opera. "Court dress" being +"indispensable," I decided to summon to my aid the well-known amateur +theatrical costumier, DATHAN & Co. DATHAN sees at a glance what I +want. He measures me with his eye. "Co." in waiting is dispatched to +bring down two or three Court suits. In less than ten minutes I am +perfectly fitted, that is, in DATHAN's not entirely disinterested but +still highly artistic opinion, with which "Co." unhesitatingly agrees. +For my own part, as a mere lay-figure, I should have preferred the +continuations being a trifle less tight round the knee; also if the +coat were a little easier about the shoulders, and not quite so baggy +in the back I should breathe more freely; and, while we are on the +subject, the collar might be lower, as it is in close proximity +to the lobes of my ears and irritatingly tickles me. The white +waistcoat--"well," as "Co.," in the absence of DATHAN, rapturously +observes, "might ha' been made for yer!" "It might," true: but it +certainly wasn't, as it is somewhat long, and there's a little shyness +on the part of the last button but one in meeting the button-hole with +which it ought to be on the best possible terms. But sharp-eyed little +"Co." sees his way out of the difficulty; he hoists up the collar, +he adjusts pins in the back, and, in a second, button and hole are +in each other's embrace. The coat-collar can be taken in and done +for--"nothing easier," says the undaunted Co.--and the part across my +manly chest can be let out,--of course not a difficulty, as the whole +suit, will be "let out" for the evening. + +I am generally satisfied with my appearance in the glass as a portrait +of a gentleman in repose, but I feel that any display of emotion, even +of irrepressible loyalty, would probably be disastrous to some portion +of my attire. The Court sword, too, is rather embarrassing, and, +though Co. has adroitly fixed it for me by some mysterious process +of invisible arrangement, yet, when I shall be left alone with the +sheathed weapon, and have to do all this buckling and hitching for +myself, I feel sure that that sword, which is only worn on the left to +defend the right, will give me no inconsiderable trouble. Fortunately +our washerwoman's husband, who comes late on a Wednesday for the +linen, is a retired sergeant, and knows how this sort of thing should +be done. He will assist in arming me for the operatic fray. _Tout va +bien._ + +_At Opera, Wednesday Night, July 8_.--Grand sight. Very grand; +not only that, but beautiful. Costumes, uniforms, military, +diplomatic,--all sorts, the real article and the Dathanic,--impossible +to tell one from the other, taking them as a lot; but still, I feel +that it is better to remain in my Stall, where only the upper part +of me is visible to the unclothed eye. The consciousness that I am +here, not as myself, but in disguise as somebody else, name unknown, +rather oppresses me; only at first, however, as very soon I recognise +a number of familiar faces and figures all in strange array. A +stockbroker or two, a few journalists, several ordinary people +belonging to various callings and professions, some others noble, some +gentle, some simple, but most of us eyeing each other furtively, and +wondering where the deuce the other fellow got his costume from, and +what right he has to wear it. + +Every moment I expect some gaily attired person to come up and say to +me confidentially, "I know that suit; I wore it last so-and-so. Isn't +it a trifle tight about the shoulders? Beware! when I wore it, it +went a bit in the back." Man in gorgeous uniform makes his way to +the vacant Stall next to me. I am a bit flustered until he salutes me +heartily with--"How d'ye do? How are you?" Why, it's--well, no matter +who it is. I have met him everywhere for years; we are the best of +friends. I knew he is something; somewhere in the City, but not much +anywhere else, and at all events he is no more a military man than I +am a courtier, but when he confides to me that he was once upon a time +in the Dampshire Yeomanry, and that this uniform has served him for +years, and looks uncommonly well at night though it wouldn't bear the +light of day, I begin to comprehend the entire scene. + +My friend--we will call him TOMMY TUCKER, (for I have frequently +encountered him at supper, and am aware of his capacity)--is full of +information. Some of our neighbours of an inquiring turn are asking +one another who _that_ is, and who _this_ is, and so forth; and when +the answers are incorrect, or even before the answers can be given, +TOMMY TUCKER has replied in a low voice, with a view to imparting +general information gratis, that So-and-So, in scarlet and silver, is +Mr. BLACKSTONE, of BLACKSTONE & SONS, head of the great Coal Merchant +Firm; that the man in blue and silver, supposed to be a Hungarian +_attaché_, is the junior partner in BUNNUMS & Co., the Big Cake +Purveyor; and that the warlike person, with a jingling sabre, is not +a Prussian officer, but is Deputy JONES, in the gorgeous uniform of +the Old Buckshire Yeomanry; and when he's in the City, where he began +in the usual way that millionnaires always do begin, by sweeping out +an office, he is simply JONES, of Messrs. BROWN, JONES, ROBINSON +& Co., Wharfingers. TOMMY TUCKER knows everybody, and everything +about everybody, too. Who is that lady with a splendid tiara of +diamonds?--that is the Duchess of BURLINGTON, "who"--and here, in a +semi-whisper, intended for everybody's information, he tells how those +brilliants come out for "one night only," and how they will be called +for to-morrow morning by a confidential agent from POPSHOPPER's +Establishment in the Great Loan Land. TOM TUCKER is full of these +stories. There isn't a person he doesn't know, until happening to +recognise here a one and there a one, I correct him of my own private +and personal knowledge, when he frankly admits that I am right; +and after casually explaining how he does occasionally mistake the +Countess of DUNNOYER for Lady ELIZABETH MARTIN, he goes off at a +tangent, and picks out several other distinguished-looking personages, +numbering them as "first to right," "second to left," and so forth, as +if in a collection of wax-works, giving to each one of them a name and +a history. His acquaintance with the private life of the aristocracy +and the plutocracy is so extensive that I can only wonder at his +knowledge, his or marvel at wondrous powers of ready invention. + +[Illustration: Birds can sing, but wouldn't sing, and couldn't be made +to sing, at Covent Garden, Wednesday, July 8.] + +So it goes on. Then enter the chief characters. All rise; the +orchestra plays the "_National Anthem_," in German, suppose, out +of compliment to our Imperial visitors; and afterwards in English +(translated, and, I fancy, "transposed"), in honour of H.R.H. the +Prince and Princess. All the wax-work figures form in a row, under the +direction of Lord Chamberlain LATHOM; the machinery is put in motion; +they all bow to the audience; glasses are riveted on them; everybody +is craning and straining to get a good view; the people in the gallery +and just over the Royal Box loyally enjoy the scene, being quite +unable to see any of the distinguished persons who are, in this +instance, "quite beneath their notice." And then Signor MANCINELLI +turns his back on everybody, and gets to business. + +After this, I feel that a buckle, somewhere or other, has turned +traitor, and inventing an excuse with a readiness worthy of TOMMY +TUCKER himself, I suddenly, but cautiously, retire. I descend the +grand staircase between two rows of beefeaters reclining drowsily at +their ease. Fast asleep, some of 'em, after too much beef. Imagine +myself a prisoner, in disguise of course, escaping from the Tower +in the olden time. Then, fearing the collapse of another buckle +or button, or the sudden "giving" of a seam, I steal cautiously +past the Guards--then past serried ranks of soldiers under the +colonnade--then--once more in the street of Bow, and I am free! I +breathe again. + +Hie thee home, my gallant steed (an eighteenpenny fare in a hansom), +and let me resume the costume of private life, trifle with a cutlet, +drain the goblet and smoke the mild havannah. _Sic transit gloria_ +Wednesday! + +(_Signed._) (Mysteriously.) THE DUKE OF DIS GUISE. + +P.S.--Although there was more money in the house than on any previous +occasion, yet never did I see so many persons who had "come in with +orders," which they displayed lavishly, wearing them upon their manly +buzzums. + + * * * * * + +MEN IN POSSESSION. + +The Manager of Covent Garden is Sheriff HARRIS. Can all his operatic +officials all over the house be correctly termed "Sheriff's Officers"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GERMAN EMPEROR'S VISIT. + +SKETCHES ON THE SPOT.--BY OUR OWN _GAILY CHAFFIC_ ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +IMPERIAL IMPRESSIONS. + +That they are not accustomed to ultra punctuality in the arrival of +steam-yachts at Port Victoria. + +That some one ought to catch it for not looking after the water-pipes +in the State dining-room. + +That it is rather trying to have to remain dignified with your boots +in three inches of water. + +That the Eton Volunteers are just the sort of boys to follow the +tradition of the past, and win a second Waterloo. + +That still it was a little awkward to have to review them in the +pauses of a thunderstorm. + +That the wedding as a wedding was not bad, but a couple of hundred +thousand troops or so posted as a guard of honour, would have made it +more impressive. + +That Buckingham Palace is rather _triste_, when it is populated on the +scale of one inhabitant to the square mile. + +That Covent Garden Opera House, decorated with leagues of flower +wreaths, is the finest sight in the world. + +That Sheriff AUGUSTUS GLOSSOP HARRIS deserves a dukedom, and, if he +were a German, should have it. + +That one State Ball is like every other, but still it was very well +done on Friday. + +That the visit to the City was an entire success (although I wish the +audience had made up their minds whether they would stand up or +sit while I was speaking), thanks no doubt to the influence of the +Sheriff. + +That Saturday's doings were delightful. I was absolutely deafened with +the cheering. + +That it is very pleasant to be so well received, especially when, +three years ago, I was generally snubbed and treated as a nobody. + + * * * * * + +THE BUSY BISLEY. + + SCENE--_Within measurable distance of Waking. Enter Lounger + and Marksman, R. and L. + +_Lounger_ (_heartily_). Why, I _am_ glad to see you! And how are +things going on? + +_Marksman_ (_cordially, but abruptly_). Capitally! Good-bye! + +_Loung._ But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you stop a minute +for a chat? + +_Marks._ Another time, but just now moments are precious. + +_Loung._ But I say, you see I have found myself here--it doesn't take +much longer than getting down to Wimbledon. + +_Marks._ Of course it doesn't--whoever said it did? But there, old +chap, I _must_ be off! + +_Loung._ You _are_ in a hurry! Ah, we used to have pleasant days in +the old place? + +_Marks._ Did we? I daresay we did. + +_Loung._ Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you remember what fun +it used to be decorating your tent; and then, when the ladies came +down--which they did nearly all the day long--what larks it was +getting them tea and claret-cup? + +_Marks._ Very likely. But we don't have many ladies now, and a good +job too--they _are_ a bore. + +_Loung._ Well, you _are_ a chap! Why, how can there be any fun without +your sisters, and your cousins, and your maiden aunts? + +_Marks._ We don't want fun. But there, good-bye! + +_Loung._ But I say, I have come all this way to look you up. + +_Marks._ (_unbending_). Very kind of you, but, my dear fellow, you +have chosen rather an unfortunate time. + +_Loung._ Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do! + +_Marks._ Very likely. But then Bisley isn't Wimbledon. + +_Loung._ (_dryly_). So it seems. Everyone said that, when they moved +the camp further away from home, they would ruin the meeting. + +_Marks._ Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on swimmingly. + +_Loung._ It must be beastly dull. + +_Marks._ Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, after it rains, +two minutes later it is dry as bone. + +_Loung._ Yes, but it stands to reason that it _can't_ be as popular as +Wimbledon. + +_Marks._ My dear fellow, figures are the best test of that. In all the +history of the Association we have never had more entries than this +year. + +_Loung._ That may be, but you don't have half the fun you had nearer +town. + +_Marks._ (_laughing_). Don't want to! Business, my dear fellow, not +pleasure! And now, old man, I really _must_ be off! Ta, ta! See you +later. [_Exit._ + +_Loung._ Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. And as there +doesn't seem much for _me_ to do down here, I shall return to town. +[_Does so. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Second Baron.] + +_House of Commons. Monday, July 6_.--Don't know what the House of +Lords would do without WEMYSS. How the House of Commons gets along +without ELCHO is another story. Of course we are not absolutely +ELCHO-less. Amurath has succeeded to Amurath, and there is still +an ELCHO in the Commons. Perhaps in time he may reach the towering +height of his illustrious father. He does very well as it is; made +exceedingly smart speech the other afternoon on adjournment over Derby +Day. We try to bear up; make the best of things; but in our secret +hearts confess that this century has seen but one Lord ELCHO, and now +he's Earl of WEMYSS. + +Was in fine old style to-night. DORCHESTER brought on question of +Volunteers. They are going to Wimbledon on Saturday to be reviewed +by that veteran the German EMPEROR. DORCHESTER, in modest, convincing +speech, pointed out how unfair it was that, in addition to, in many +cases, losing a day's pay, in all cases incurring a day's hard work, +that Volunteers should be required to pay expenses of their trip to +Wimbledon. DORCHESTER left nothing unsaid; put the whole case in +brief speech. But WEMYSS not going to be left out. Interposed in +fine patronising manner; made acknowledgment of DORCHESTER's good +intention; but, suggesting an absolutely imaginary case, took +exception to the presentation of the Volunteers in the light of asking +for a day's pay. That, he said, would spoil the whole case. + +No one had suggested anything of the kind. WEMYSS had brought this +nine-pin in with him as if it were one of a set of baccarat counters, +had set it up, and was now knocking it down. Noble Lords sat and +stared in polite amazement. CRANBROOK, in his impetuous way, jumped +up and raised point of order. WEMYSS put him aside with sweep of +sword-arm, and went on to end of his speech, which showed who was the +true friend of the Volunteer forces. + +"Ah," said young LAMINGTON, second Baron, regarding with pleased +interest the flush of satisfaction that mantled WEMYSS' brow when +he resumed his seat, "this House would have been nothing only for us +fellows coming in from the Commons. It's new blood that does it. I'll +make them a speech myself some day." + +_Business done_.--Quite a lot in the Commons. + +_Tuesday_.--FERGUSSON says life at Foreign Office would be endurable +only for LABBY. The Sage has got the Triple Alliance on the brain; +spends his mornings in drafting questions there anent. That FERGUSSON +wouldn't mind so much, only it involves his spending _his_ afternoons +in drafting answers that shall look coherent, and yet say nothing. +Answers often so admirably suited to their purpose, that doubts arise +as to whether a firmer hand than FERGUSSON's has not traced them on +paper. "A dull man," was the phrase in which, years ago, JOHN BRIGHT +dismissed from consideration the statesman then known as Sir CHARLES +ADDERLY. To House of Commons FERGUSSON is a dull man, incapable, as it +seems, of framing these subtle answers that look as if they meant so +much, and yet say so little. + +[Illustration: Sage of Queen Anne's Gate.] + +Whoever be the author, it must be said that FERGUSSON contributes +to success of answers by his manner of reading them. So portentous +is his gravity, so like a stone wall his imperturbability, that the +Sage dashes himself up against it with much the same effect as if he +were attacking one of the buttresses of Westminster Hall. It is a +fortuitous concatenation of circumstances, most happy in its result, +that when in the House of Commons an answer is to be given which shall +convey no information, the MARKISS should dictate it, and FERGUSSON +recite it. If, in reply to the Sage's question to-night, as to the +understanding between this country and Italy with respect to the +_status quo_ in Mediterranean, FERGUSSON had stood up and recited the +multiplication table up to twelve times twelve, the remarks would have +been just as relevant and informing as those he read from the paper. +Moreover, the gravity of his aspect and the solemn inflection of +his voice, would have compelled Members to listen to the end of the +recitation with a sort of dim consciousness that they were really +being informed as to the details of an understanding come to between +Her majesty's Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and the +Governments of Germany and Italy. + +_Business done._--Education Bill through Report Stage. + +_Thursday._--House having disposed of Land Purchase Bill and Education +Bill, is able to devote portion of sitting to consideration of its own +personal affairs. MORTON brings on subject of Bar in Lobby of House of +Commons. Nothing to do with the Bar that LOCKWOOD, ASQUITH, and REID +adorn; merely a counter, at which they sell what JEMMY LOWTHER alludes +to, with a bewitching air of distant acquaintance, as "alcoholic +liquors." MORTON, whose great ambition in life is to make people +thoroughly comfortable, wants to close the Bar. SYDNEY HERBERT, making +a rare appearance as spokesman for the Government on the Treasury +Bench, pleads as a set-off against alleged evil example, the large +consumption of "lemon squash," which he explains to the House is +"a non-intoxicant." CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN sends thrill of apprehension +through listening Senate by inquiring whether the House of Commons is +licensed for the sale of intoxicating liquors? + +No one every thought of that before. As far an anyone knows, place +isn't licensed; consequently, in very birthplace of legislation, the +law has for years been systematically defied. Worse this than what +happened at Temple the other day, when LORD CHANCELLOR and a score +of principal Members of Bar of England narrowly escaped indictment +for playing a drama in an unlicensed hall. Vision conjured up the +police making sudden descent on the House, walking off with SPEAKER, +SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and possibly OLD MORALITY, to nearest station, there +to be locked up till released on bail. + +[Illustration: Jemmy, J.P.] + +JEMMY LOWTHER much struck by suggestion. His innate magisterial +instincts on the alert. We all know and like JEMMY, but few of us have +opportunity of seeing him at his very best. That happens when he sits +on the Magisterial Bench and dispenses justice. It is as JEMMY, J.P., +he rises to the fullest height of his judicial manner. Still, pretty +well just now. A little embarrassed at the outset by consciousness +that his postal address at Leeds is "Swillington House." Afraid some +ribald person will remember this, and vulgarly connect it with the +discussion. Delightful to observe the way in which he reproved GEORGE +CAMPBELL for language unbecoming the precincts of the Court. CAMPBELL +had lightly spoken about "Members requiring a pick-me-up." "Persons +enjoying the privilege of obtaining alcoholic liquors," was the way +JEMMY put it, with a severe glance towards the abashed Knight of +Kircaldy. + +_Business done._--Committee of Supply. + +_Friday._--Turns out to-night that MORTON doesn't approve the Triple +Alliance. This would be awkward, in any circumstances. Peculiarly +embarrassing just now with one of the principal signatories our guest. +Emperor WILLIAM, was most anxious to come down to House; meant to +see everything whilst he was here, not knowing what may happen before +another opportunity presents itself. + +"Always read your Diary, TOBY," he said to me, over a strawberry and +cream at Marlborough House yesterday; "gather from it the impression +that House of Commons is exceedingly interesting place; all its +Members eloquent, and all its Ministers virtuous. Must go and see it. +Look in on Friday." + +Here's a go! Known beforehand that MORTON meant to state his views on +the MARKISS's foreign policy, with its evident leaning toward Germany. +Very awkward if EMPEROR came in just while MORTON was speaking. + +"It would play the doose with the _ententy cordially_," said JULIUS +'ANNIBAL PICTON, who resents MORTON's interference in the field of +foreign policy. + +Happily Emperor WILLIAM didn't get as far as Westminster; detained +at Guildhall; just got off in time to dine with the Great DOOK, and +afterwards to the ball at Buckingham Palace. So peace between to +great nations is maintained. But MORTON ran us pretty close. _Business +done._--Committee of Supply. + + * * * * * + +THEN AND NOW. + +MR. PUNCH'S JUBILEE RETROSPECT. + + ["_Punch_ and the Elections were the only matters which + occupied the public mind on July 17, 1841."--_Introduction to + "Punch," Vol. I._] + + Fifty years ago, my Public, fifty years ago! + Faith, the years fleet swiftly onward, though sad hours seem slow. + Forty-One beheld my advent, Friend of Truth and Fun; + From my _sanctum_ still I greet you now in Ninety-One. + + "_Punch_ and the Elections!" Truly a compendious text. + With how many Burning Questions men to-day are vext! + Then the Whigs perceived their tether pretty nearly run, + And--they're watching Bye-Elections now in Ninety-One. + + Then Lord JOHN was on the Treasury Bench, though ill at ease, + Thence to be soon torn--like Theseus;--PEEL, the Hercules. + Now SMITH smiles a toothy smile in little JOHNNY's place, + White the Grand Old Hercules sits watching grave of face. + + _He_ remembers Forty-One! Few, except _Punch_ and him, + Linger from those brave old days, now distant grown and dim! + He has reached his Jubilee, as _Punch_ this year hath done. + Veterans both, we drink each other's health in Ninety-One! + + Forty-One was fierce and fiery. Young DISRAELI then + Bravely buttered stout Sir ROBERT as the best of men. + Pheugh! But in how short a time was BEN's envenomed steel + Destined to find rankling lodgment in the breast of PEEL! + + Now? Well, there is jaunty JOSEPH poisoning his pint; + Seeking in GRANDOLMAN's mail some penetrable joint! + Heroes and ex-armour-bearers still keep up the fun; + One-and-Forty saw it so, and so does Ninety-One! + + Mr. SHARMAN CRAWFORD (who was _he_? Let quidnuncs guess!) + Moved Amendment relative to "Popular Distress." + _Then_ his cure was Wider Suffrage. _Now_ what would it be? + Land with little or no Rent, and Education Free? + + Then the Corn Laws cramped Free Trade; free Competition now + Breeds the Sweater, harsh exploiter of the toiler's brow, + When brave PEEL achieved Repeal some deemed the task was done, + But Commissions upon Labour sit in Ninety-One. + + SIBTHORP then amused St. Stephen's; we have SEYMOUR KEAY, + D'ORSAY then was wit and dandy, OSCAR WILDE have we. + And if wild FEARGUS O'CONNOR fashioned Land Schemes then, + BURNS and MORRIS well can match him now with tongue or pen. + + Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song[1] which moved a world to tears, + London Laundrydom on Strike now in Hyde park appears. + Ah! since Eighteen Forty-One much has been tried--and _done_, + But _Punch_ finds no lack of labour e'en in Ninety-One! + + The HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the Throne, + Now her Royal Jubilee is full four years bygone. + He who has illumed her reign with wisdom, wit, and fun, + Greets her loyally to-day as then, in Forty-One. + + Madam, much since then has happened, much has been achieved; + Marvels, commonplace to-day, few then would have believed. + Science, Liberty, Pure Manners, order, Peace, Goodwill, + _Punch_ for Fifty Years has championed, and will champion still. + + Then and now! The captious cynic at the contrast sneers, + _Punch_ believes in, and would help, the Progress of the Years. + When his Century's full course, fifty Years hence, has run, + With good heart and glad may he look back on Ninety-One! + +[Footnote 1: "_The Song of the Shirt_," which appeared on page 260 +of Vol. V., 1843, in a supplementary number entitled, "_Punch's_ +Triumphal Procession."] + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +INFLUENZA.--I should feel really grateful to any reader who can tell +me whether I have Influenza or not. I think I must have it, as I have +tested my temperature with a thermometer attached to a weather-glass +hanging in the hall, which is only slightly cracked, and find that +it--my temperature, not the weather-glass--stays constantly at 120 +degrees, which seems rather high. My headaches are _frightful_, and +the pills with forty grains of quinine in them, which I have been +recommended to take by a neighbouring chemist's assistant, do not +seem to do any good. Cough and chemist's bill both very heavy. Ought +I have to have a change? If so, whom should I try and take it out +of?--NERVOUS SUBJECT. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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