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diff --git a/13446-h/13446-h.htm b/13446-h/13446-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1dcceb --- /dev/null +++ b/13446-h/13446-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1977 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, July 18, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13446 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 18, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h4>No. II.—TO SOCIAL AMBITION.</h4> + + <p>DEAR SIR, OR MADAM,</p> + + <p>I had not intended to annoy you with another letter. But + since I addressed you last week I have received one or two + communications—not from you, <i>bien entendu</i>, for you + are too wary to dispute the accuracy of what I have written; + but from concrete human beings, who pretend to speak on your + behalf, and deny that I have "proved my case." I might answer + by saying that I never set out to prove a case—that I + wished merely to enjoy a friendly chat with you, and to appeal + to your clemency on behalf of the large class whom I ventured + to represent by the DABCHICKS. "But," says one of my + detractors, in a letter now lying before me, "you have only + given one instance. You have talked grandly about Queens, and + Dukes, and actresses, and, in the end, you have put us off with + a wretched story about the <i>parvenu</i> DABCHICK. For my + part, I refuse to admit your authority until you prove, in + greater detail, that you really know something of the subject + on which you presumed to write." "Sir," I reply, "you are + brusque, and somewhat offensive in the style you use towards + me. For my part I do not admit that you are entitled to an + answer from me, and I have felt disposed to pass you by in + silence. But since there may be other weak vessels of your + sort, I will do violence to myself, and pen another letter." + And thus, my dear SOCIAL AMBITION, I once more take the liberty + of addressing you, not without an inward tremor lest you should + pounce upon me unawares, and cause me to expiate my rashness by + driving me from the calm seclusion in which I spend my days, to + mingle with the feverish throng who wrangle for place and + precedence, myself the most feverish wrangler of them all. But, + on the principle that we are both, in some sort, hawks, I think + I may trust you to spare my eyes, while I remind you of one or + two incidents in which you bore a part.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25.png" + alt="Sir Gervase Blenkinsop, K.C.M.G., and Social Ambition." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>And first BLENKINSOP knocks at the door of my memory. I bid + him enter, and I see a tall slim youth, not ill-favoured, + wearing well-cut clothes, and carrying a most beautiful, + gold-topped Malacca cane delicately in his hand. He is smoking + a cigar, and complains to me that his life is a succession of + aimless days, and that he cannot find any employment to turn + his hand to. That very night, I remember, he dined with me. We + went to the play together, and afterwards looked in at Lady + ALICIA PARBOIL's dance. Dear Lady ALICIA, how plump she was, + and how good-natured, and how well she married her + fiddle-headed daughters. Her husband too, that clumsy, + heavy-witted oaf, how cunningly and how successfully withal she + schemed for his advancement. <i>Quid plura?</i> you knew her + well, she was devoted to you. I only speak of her to remind you + that it was in her hospitable rooms that GERVASE BLENKINSOP met + you—and his fate. He had danced for the second time that + evening with ELVIRA PARBOIL, and, having returned that blushing + virgin to her accustomed corner, was just about to depart when + the ample form of Lady ALICIA bore down upon him: "Oh, Mr. + BLENKINSOP," her Ladyship began, "I really cannot allow you to + go before I introduce you to Mr. WILBRAHAM. I hear," she + continued, "he has just lost his Private Secretary, and who + knows but that—" Here she paused, and archly tapping her + <i>protégé's</i> cheek with her fan, she bore him off to + introduce him to the Cabinet Minister. I watched the ceremony. + Something whispered to me that BLENKINSOP was lost. Must I go + through the whole painful story? He became Private Secretary to + his new Right Honourable friend, and from that moment he was a + changed man. His cheery good-nature vanished. Instead of it he + cultivated an air of pompous importance. One by one he weeded + out his useless friends, and attached to himself dull but + potentially useful big wigs who possessed titles and influence. + At one of our last speaking interviews (we only nod distantly + now when we meet), he hinted that in the next distribution of + honours his name might be expected. It appeared, but, alas for + gratitude, he had to satisfy himself with a paltry K.C.M.G., + which his wife (I forgot to say that he married ELVIRA) + despises. He is now a disappointed man whom his friends, if he + had any, would pity. He is getting on in life; the affectations + he so laboriously cultivated no longer amuse. The witlings of + his Clubs remark openly upon his ridiculous desire to pose as + an earth-shaking personage, and when he goes home he has to + listen to a series of bitter home-truths from the acrid ELVIRA. + Would it not, I ask, have been better for Sir GERVASE + BLENKINSOP, K.C.M.G., to have continued his ancient and aimless + existence, than to have had a fallacious greatness dangled + before his eyes to the end of his disappointed, but aspiring + life?</p> + + <p>One more instance, and I have done. Do you remember TOMMY + TIPSTAFF at Trinity? I do. He was, of course, a foolish youth, + but he might have had a pleasant life in the fat living for + which his family intended him. In his second year at the + University, he met Sir JAMES SPOOF, an undergraduate Baronet, + of great wealth, and dissolute habits. Poor TOMMY was dazzled + by his new friend's specious glare and glitter, and his + slapdash manner of scattering his money. They became + inseparable. The same dealer supplied them with immense cigars, + they went to race meetings, and tried to break the ring. When + Sir JAMES wished to gamble, TOMMY was always ready to keep the + bank. And all the time poor Mrs. TIPSTAFF, in her country home, + was overjoyed at her darling's success in what she told me once + was the most brilliant and remarkable set at Cambridge.</p> + + <p>Where is TOMMY now? The other day a ragged man shambled up + to me, with a request that I should buy a box of lights from + him. There was a familiar something about him. Could it be + TOMMY? The question was indirectly answered, for, before I + could extract a penny, or say a word, he looked hard at me, + turned his head away, and made off as fast as his rickety legs + would carry him. Most men must have had a similar experience, + but few know, as I do, that you, my dear SOCIAL AMBITION, urged + the wretched TOMMY to his destruction.</p> + + <p>On the whole, I dislike you. Those who obey you become the + meanest of God's creatures.</p> + + <p>Pardon my candour, and believe me, Yours, without + respect,</p> + + <p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AUTHOR! AUTHOR!</h2> + + <p>LORD COLERIDGE's summing up to the Jury in the action taken + by <i>Jones</i> (author of burlesques) v. <i>Roberts</i> + (player of the same) was excellent common sense, a quality much + needed in the case. Mr. JONES,—not our ENERY HAUTHOR, + whose contempt for Burlesque generally is as well known as he + can make it,—wrote to Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, formerly of the + Music Halls and now of the legitimate Stage, styling him + "Governor," and professed that he would "fit him to a T." + <i>Poeta nascitur non "fit</i>."—and the born + burlesque-versifier was true to what would probably be his + comic version of the Latin proverb. But the inimitable ARTHUR, + who does so much for himself on the stage, hardly required any + extraneous help, and at last rejected the result of poor + JONES's three months' hard labour at the Joe-Millery mill. + This, however, was no joke to JONES, who straightway decided + that this time he would give the inimitable ARTHUR something + quite new in the way of a jest; and so, dropping the dialogue, + he came to "the action," which, in this instance, was an + action-at-law. Whatever Mr. ROBERTS may have thought of the + words, he will hardly have considered the result of this case + as "good business" from his own private and peculiar point of + view. But all Dramatic Authors,—with the solitary + exception of Mr. YARDLEY, formerly famous in the field, but now + better known in "The Lane," at pantomime time, than to any + Court where he has a legal right to appear in wig and + gown,—from the smallest, who write to please a + "Governor," up to the biggest, who write to please themselves, + should rejoice at the decision in the case of <i>Jones</i> v. + <i>Roberts</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN OMISSION AT THE GUILDHALL LUNCHEON.—On the occasion + of the Civic Banquet to the German EMPEROR, an Alderman, + distinguished for his courtesy to strangers, and his + appreciation of good dishes, especially of anything at all + spicy, wished to know why, as a compliment to their Imperial + guest, they had omitted "pickelhaubes" from the bill of fare? + He had understood, from well-informed friends, that the EMPEROR + seldom went anywhere without some "pickelhaubes," whatever they + might be, as he himself, the worthy Alderman, had never had the + opportunity of tasting one.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26.png" + alt="THE RED QUEEN AND THE WHITE; OR, ALICE IN THUNDERLAND." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE RED QUEEN AND THE WHITE; OR, ALICE IN + THUNDERLAND.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <h2>JOLLY JULY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The storm of rain comes swirling down,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our helpless flow'rets droop and die;</p> + + <p>The thunder crashes o'er the town—</p> + + <p class="i10">In wet July.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our cricket-match is spoilt, the stumps</p> + + <p class="i2">We draw beneath a drenching sky;</p> + + <p>Then homeward wend in doleful dumps—</p> + + <p class="i10">In wet July.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The lawn's a lake, whereon there float</p> + + <p class="i2">The balls that erst would o'er it + fly;</p> + + <p>We can't play tennis from a boat,</p> + + <p class="i10">In wet July.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our garden-party's ruined quite,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of invitations friends fight shy;</p> + + <p>They wisely shun the sloppy sight</p> + + <p class="i10">In wet July.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take that old aneroid away,</p> + + <p class="i2">A new barometer we'll try;</p> + + <p>With hope for haply one fine day—</p> + + <p class="i10">In wet July.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BEATING THE RECORD.—Mrs. MALAPROP's "Cerberus, as + three single gentlemen rolled into one," was "not in it" last + week with H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, who, in the course of the + Royal Entertainments given to our Imperial Cousin-German, + appeared as "a host of illustrious personages." An admirable + performance.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Nursery Echo from Carlow.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>PARNELL put the KETTLE on,</p> + + <p class="i2">TIM HEALY came it rather strong,</p> + + <p>HAMMOND was the people's man,</p> + + <p class="i8">And he's now M.P.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="IN DESPERATE STRAITS." /></a> + + <h3>IN DESPERATE STRAITS.</h3><i>Jones</i> (<i>Blue + Ribbon—to abstemious Lady he has taken in to + dinner</i>). "LOOK HERE, MADAM, WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING + ON A <i>BIT</i>! EITHER YOU MUST HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE, + OR, BY JOVE, <i>I</i> MUST!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALICE IN THUNDERLAND.</h2> + + <center> + <i>Alice</i> ... The TH-ND-R-R. <i>White Queen</i> ... + H-RC-RT. <i>Red Queen</i> ... CH-MB-RL-N. + </center> + + <p>"I'll tell you what it is, your Majesty," said ALICE in a + severe tone (she was always rather fond of scolding the White + Queen), "it'll never do to swagger about all over the place + like that! Dignitaries have to be dignified, you know!"</p> + + <p>Everything was happening so oddly (since Thunderland had + turned against Blunderland) that she didn't feel a bit + surprised at finding the Red Queen and the White Queen sitting + close to her, one on each side. But she found it rather + difficult to be quite civil to them—especially the White + Queen, who had once been rather a favourite with her, but at + whom she now never lost an opportunity of girding.</p> + + <p>"Always speak the truth," said the Red Queen (cocking her + nose at the White)—"think before you speak—and + <i>write it down afterwards</i>. It's safest, if you're dealing + with <i>some</i> persons."</p> + + <p>"That's just what I complain of," said the White Queen, + loftily. "You couldn't tell the truth—about that + Table—if you tried with both hands."</p> + + <p>"I don't tell the truth with my <i>hands</i>," the Red Queen + objected, icily.</p> + + <p>"Nobody said you did," said the White Queen. "Nobody said + you told it <i>anyhow</i>. I said you couldn't if you tried. + And you <i>don't</i> try either. So <i>there</i>!"</p> + + <p>"She's in that state of mind," said the Red Queen, "that she + wants to deny <i>something</i>—only she doesn't know what + to deny!"</p> + + <p>"A nasty vicious temper," the White Queen remarked; and then + there was an uncomfortable silence for a month or two.</p> + + <p>The White Queen broke the silence by saying to the Red + Queen, "I invite you to ALICE's Party—which <i>used</i> + to be neutral ground—to explain, if you <i>can</i>, that + nondescript nonsense of yours about National Councils as a + substitute for Home Rule."</p> + + <p>The Red Queen smiled sourly, and said, "And I invite + <i>you</i>"</p> + + <p>"I didn't know <i>I</i> was to have a Party at all," said + ALICE. "Parties are things I don't hold with, as a rule; too + great a tax and a tie. I like my freedom, <i>I</i> do. But, if + I <i>am</i> to have one, I think <i>I</i> ought to invite the + guests."</p> + + <p>"ALICE of Thunderland, you require some lessons in manners," + the White Queen remarked.</p> + + <p>"Manners are not taught in lessons," said ALICE. "Lessons + teach <i>some</i> people to do sums, and things of that + sort."</p> + + <p>"Can you do addition?" the Red Queen asked scornfully of the + White. ("Bah, she can't do sums a <i>bit</i>!" she added, + aside.)</p> + + <p>"She is doubtless better at <i>Division</i>," interposed + ALICE, significantly.</p> + + <p>"Divide a State by a Statutory Parliament," said the Red + Queen, with a derisive wink. "What's the right answer to + that?"</p> + + <p>"Much the same as dividing a Nation by an indefinite number + of Councils," retorted the White Queen, smartly. "Talk about + <i>tu quoques</i>, there's one for you!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, as for that," rejoined the Red Queen, sniffing, "try + another subtraction sum! Take a Grand Old Leader from a 'Party' + of discredited 'Items,' and what would remain?"</p> + + <p>"Why, a Policy, of course," replied the White Queen. "And + another Leader," she added, <i>sotto voce</i>. "Here's another + for <i>you</i>," she pursued, aloud. "Take a Liberal-Unionist + Tail from a Radical 'Rat,' what would remain then?"</p> + + <p>"I suppose <i>you</i> think <i>nothing</i> would remain," + sneered the Red Queen.</p> + + <p>"Wrong, as usual," said the White Queen; "the Rat's nasty + temper would remain."</p> + + <p>"But I don't see how!"</p> + + <p>"Why, look here," the White Queen cried; "the Rat would lose + its temper with its 'tail,' wouldn't it?"</p> + + <p>"Perhaps it would," ALICE replied, cautiously.</p> + + <p>"Then, if the 'Rat' went away from its 'Tail,' its temper + would remain," the White Queen exclaimed.</p> + + <p>ALICE said, as gravely as she could. "They might go + different ways—the 'Rat,' the 'Tail,' and the 'Temper.'" + But she couldn't help thinking to herself, "What dreadful + nonsense we <i>are</i> talking!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE ONLY ONE.—A ready-penning writer in his <i>Daily + Graphic</i> notice of doings in the Houses of Parliament, winds + up his description of giving the Royal Assent to Bills in the + Upper House with these words—"<i>So ends the ceremony, + which seems to take one away from the Nineteenth + Century</i>"—a little sum in + subtraction—<i>i.e.</i>, take one away from the + Nineteenth Century, and the Eighteenth Century remains; but to + continue—"<i>back to the days of the Edwards and the + Henrys</i>." But why go back to any other century than the + "so-called Nineteenth"? Isn't it only a very few years ago that + <i>the</i> EDWARDS, the singular HENRY with plural surname of + EDWARDS, sat for Weymouth? What other HENRYS or EDWARDS could + ever occur to any well-conditioned Parliamentary scribe?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>A RECITATION UNDER DIFFICULTIES.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An Evening Party</i>; Miss FRESIA + BLUDKINSON, <i>a talented young Professional Reciter, has + been engaged to entertain the company, and is about to + deliver the favourite piece entitled, "The Lover of Lobelia + Bangs, a Cowboy Idyl." There is the usual crush, and the + guests outside the drawing-room, who can neither hear nor + see what is going on, console themselves by conversing in + distinctly audible tones. Jammed in a doorway, between the + persons who are trying to get in, and the people who would + be only too glad to get out, is an</i> Unsophisticated + Guest <i>who doesn't know a soul, and is consequently + reduced to listening to the Recitation. This is what he + hears:—</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/28.png" + alt="'I am only a Cowboy.'" /></a>"I am only a + Cowboy." + </div> + + <p><i>Miss Fresia Blud</i>. (<i>in a tone of lady-like + apology</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am only a Cowboy—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Several Ladies put up their glasses, and examine her + critically, as if they had rather expected this confession. + Sudden burst of Society Chatter from without.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Society Chatter</i>. How d'ye do?... Oh, but her parties + never <i>are</i>!... How are you?... No, I left her at ... Yes, + he's somewhere about ... Saw you in the Row this mornin'.... + Are you doing anything on ——?... Oh, <i>what</i> a + shame!... No, but <i>doesn't</i> she now?... No earthly use + trying to get in at present ... &c., &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss Fresia B.</i> (<i>beginning again, with meek + despair, a little louder</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am only a Cowboy; reckless, rough, in an + unconventional suit of clothes;</p> + + <p>I hain't, as a rule, got much to say, and my + conversation is mostly oaths.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Cries of "Ssh!" intended, however, for the people + outside, who are chattering harder than ever.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the cackle of females strikes my ear—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Society Chatter</i> (<i>as before</i>). Oh, <i>much</i> + cooler here ... Yes, delightful, wasn't it? Everybody one knows + ... No, you don't <i>really</i>?... Oh, POPSY's flourishing, + thanks ... The new Butler turned out a perfect demon ... but I + said I wouldn't have his tail dooked for anything ... so + they've painted it <i>eau de Nil</i>, and it looks <i>so</i> + nice!</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i> (<i>pointedly</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the cackle of females strikes my ear, I jest + vamose, for they make me skeered,</p> + + <p>And I sorter suspicion I skeer them too, with my + hulking form, and my bushy beard!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here, of course, she strokes a very round + chin.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Society Chatter</i>. Seems to be somethin' goin' on in + there—singin', actin', dancin', or somethin' ... Well, of + course, only heard <i>her</i> version of it as yet, y'know ... + Have you seen him in ... white bensaline with a Medici collar, + and one of those ... nasty gouty attacks he <i>will</i> have + are only rheumatism, &c., &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i> (<i>when next heard</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I cleared my throat, and I tried to speak—but + the words died strangled—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>A Feminine Voice outside</i>. So <i>long</i> since we had + a quiet talk together! Do tell me all about, &c., + &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i> —strangled by sheer alarm.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For there in front—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here she points dramatically at a stout matron, who + fans herself consciously.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">—was the slender form, and the + sweet girl-face of our new "School Harm"!</p> + + <p>Say, boys! hev' ye heard an Æolian harp which a + Zephyr's tremulous finger twangs?</p> + + <p>Wa'al, it kinder thrills ye the way I felt when I + first beheld LOBELIA BANGS!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> Oh, you really <i>ought</i> to go—so + touching! DICK and I both regularly howled all through the last + Act ... Not in the <i>least</i>, thanks. Well, if there + <i>is</i> a seat ... You're sure there <i>are</i> any ices? + Then, strawberry, please—no, <i>nothing</i> to drink!... + <i>Will</i> you allow me?... Told she could dress hair + perfectly, but I soon found she was ... a Swedenborgian, my + dear, or something horrid ... Haven't you? <i>I've</i> had it + three times, and ... so many people have asked me for cards + that really I ... had the drains thoroughly looked to, and now + they're ... delicious, but rather overpowering in a + <i>room</i>, I think! &c., &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i> (<i>with genuine feeling</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who would imagine one meek-voiced girl could have + held her own, in a deafening din!</p> + + <p>But LOBELIA's scholars discovered soon she'd a + dead-sure notion of discipline;</p> + + <p>For her satin palm had a sting like steel, and the + rowdiest rebel respected her,</p> + + <p>When she'd stretched out six of the hardest lots in + the Bible-Class with a Derringer!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> No, a very dull party, you could move + about quite easily in all the rooms, so we ... kicked the whole + concern to shivers and ... came on here as soon as we could ... + Capital dinner they <i>gave</i> us, too ... &c., + &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i> (<i>with as much conviction as possible + under the circumstances</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the silence deepened; no creature stirred in the + stagnant hush, and the only sound</p> + + <p>Was the far-off lumbering jolt, produced by the + prairie rolling for leagues around!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> (<i>crescendo</i>). Oh, an old aunt of + mine has gone in for step-dancing—she's had several + lessons ... and cut her knees rather badly, y'know, so I put + her out to grass ... and now she can sit up and hold a biscuit + on her nose ... but she really ought to mix a little grey in + her wig!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>&c. &c., to the distraction of the</i> + Unsophisticated Guest, <i>who is getting quite interested + in</i> LOBELIA BANGS <i>whom he suddenly discovers, much to + his surprise, on horseback.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And on we cantered, without a word, in the midday + heat, on our swift mustangs.</p> + + <p>I was only ignorant Cowboy CLEM—but I + worshipped bright LOBELIA BANGS!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> (<i>fortissimo</i>). Not for ages; but + last time I met him he was ... in a dreadful state, with the + cook down with influenza ... and so I suppose he's + <i>married</i> her by this time!</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i> (<i>excitedly</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But hark! in the distance a weird shrill cry, a + kinder mournful, monotonous yelp—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(<i>Further irruption of Society Chatter</i>) ... is it + jackal?—bison?—a cry for help?</p> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> Such a complete <i>rest</i>, you + know—so perfectly peaceful! Not a soul to talk to. I + <i>love</i> it ... but, to really enjoy a tomato, you must see + it dressed ... in the <i>sweetest</i> little sailor suit!</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My horse was a speck on the pampas' verge, for I + dropped the rein in my haste to stoop;</p> + + <p>Then I pressed my ear to the baking soil—and + caught—ah, horror—the Indian whoop!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> Some say it <i>isn't</i> infectious, but + one can't be too careful, and, with children in the house, + &c., &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I rose to my feet with quivering knees, and my face + turned white as a fresh-washed towel;</p> + + <p>I had heard a war-cry I knew too well—'twas + the murderous band of Blue-nosed Owl!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> Nice fellow—I'm very fond of + him—so fresh—capital company—met him when I + was over there, &c.</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What? leave you to face those fiends alone!" she + cried, and slid from her horse's back;</p> + + <p>"Let me die with you—for I love you, CLEM!" + Then she gave her steed a resounding smack,</p> + + <p>And he bounded off; "Now Heaven be praised that my + school six-shooter I brought!" said she.</p> + + <p>"Four barrels I'll keep for the front-rank + foes—and the next for you—and the last for + me!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> Is it a <i>comic</i> piece she's doing, do + you know? Don't think so, I can see somebody smiling. Sounds + rather like SHAKSPEARE, or DICKENS, or one of those fellahs ... + Didn't catch what you said. No Quite impossible to hear oneself + speak, <i>isn't</i> it?</p> + + <p><i>Miss F.B.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And ever louder the demons yelled for their + pale-faced prey—but I scorned death's pangs,</p> + + <p>For I deemed it a doom that was half delight to die + by the hand of LOBELIA BANGS!</p> + + <p>Then she whispered low in her dulcet tones, like the + crooning coo of a cushat dove!</p> + + <p>(<i>At the top of her voice</i>). "Forgive me, CLEM, + but I could not bear any squaw to torture my own true + love!"</p> + + <p>And she raised the + revolver—"crack-crack-crack!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>To the infinite chagrin of the</i> Unsophisticated + Guest, <i>who is intensely anxious to hear how</i> Miss + BANGS <i>and her lover escaped from so</i> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> <i>unpleasant a + dilemma—the remaining cracks of her revolver, + together with the two next stanzas, are drowned in a + fresh torrent of small-talk—after which he + hears</i> Miss F.B. <i>conclude with repressed + emotion</i>:</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the ochre on Blue-nosed Owl was blurred, as his + braves concluded their brief harangues;</p> + + <p>And he dropped a tear on the early bier of our + Prairie belle, LOBELIA BANGS!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Which of course leaves him in a state of hopeless + mystification.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Soc. Chat.</i> Is that the <i>end</i>? Charming! Now we + shall be able to <i>talk</i> again! &c., &c.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHER LAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>(THIRD LETTER.—C.)</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-1.png" + alt="Native Amusements—'A Poor House.'" /> + </a>Native Amusements—"A Poor House." + </div> + + <h4>LANDS-CAPE POLITICS.</h4> + + <p>Haven't time to send you much information this week, as + We,—the firm of Self and Corresponding + Captain,—have had to write rather a heavy packet for the + Daily Graphic. I suppose you will have got Herr Von GERMAN + EMPEROR with you by the time you receive this from yours truly; + or His Imperialness may have quitted your,—that is, our, + though I'm here now,—hospitable shores. <i>À propos</i> + of Hospitable Shores, remember me to the most hospitable of all + Shores—Captain SHAW—of the Fire-and-Water Brigade. + My companions—"Jolly companions everyone"—the + Cautious Captain, or the Wily WILLIAMS, Doubting Doctor, + Energetic Engineer, all well. Wily WILLIAMS hard at his MS., + giving an account of the "agricultural and mineral resources" + of the What-can-the-Matterbeland, "through the instrumentality + of the Chartered Company." He's great at this. Think I shall + start new Company—"The Chartered Libertine." If my memory + doesn't fail me, that's a Shakspearian title. But who was the + "Chartered Libertine"? I notice these South-African States are + independent of Home Government. 'Pon my word, I fancy W.E.G. + was right about Home Rule. On whose shoulders can the G.O.M.'s + mantle fall, without enveloping him in entire obscurity, except + on those of the Leader or the once united, but now fractured + <i>quartette</i> party, "<i>quorum pars magna fui</i>?" I still + keep up my Latin, you see. I wasn't sent to Eton for nothing; + nor was any other boy that I've ever heard of.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-2.png" + alt="Caperycornamental Hairdressing." /> + </a>Caperycornamental Hairdressing. + </div> + + <h4>CAPERS.</h4> + + <p>No wonder we've had so many dancing parties at the Cape, + when all the inhabitants are Capers. I make this a present to + my dear old DRUMMY; he can bring it out in his new Persian + <i>Joe Miller</i>. Cheeky little street-boys give you Capers' + sauce. They can lead you a pretty dance if you chivy them.</p> + + <h4>AMUSEMENTS OF THE BOERS.</h4> + + <p>To-day came across a Peep-Boer-Show. Seen it all before. + Also a kind of Punch-and-Judy performance going on, translated + into South-African dialect. There was not a paying public to + witness it; and, with all my desire and with every intention to + encourage native talent, I was compelled to turn away, "more in + sorrow than in anger," (SHAKSPEARE again—<i>Hamlet's + Ghost</i>, I think,) when the pipe-and-drummer man came to me + for a contribution. Not a penny in my pocket. "I will reimburse + thee nobly," said I, "on my return from the Mine-land." He + quoted some line or other, which I did not catch, and gave the + name of the writer, one "WALKER," as his authority. WALKER is + associated in my mind with an English Dictionary, but, though + it has been much added to in recent years, I doubt whether the + words the Showman used on this occasion can be found in my + pocket edition, or in any other edition of that excellent and + trustworthy compilation.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/29-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-3.png" + alt="Native Masher from Masherland." /></a>Native + Masher from Masherland. + </div> + + <h4>CHANGE OF HAIR.</h4> + + <p>Called at native barber's to-day. Gave him no instructions. + Thought of course he was going to cut it; and so fell asleep. I + almost always fall asleep when under the mesmeric influence of + a capillary administrator. I should like him to keep on doing + it; cut and comb again. So soothing! Woke up and found + myself—like this. (<i>See Hair Cut.</i>) Herewith please + receive portrait, and treasure it.</p> + + <h4>ARMA VIRUMQUE.</h4> + + <p>Must send you a sketch of some of our B.B.B.'s or the Bold + Bobbies of Basuto all armed. Ha! ha! as dear old WOLFFY would + have said, "I was quite <i>all-armed</i> at seeing this!" Hope + to be on the track of TOM TIDDLER's ground very soon. But + anyhow till I am <i>sur la tache</i>, "on the spot," any one of + these letters of mine (emphasis on the "mine") of which all are + genuine—"proofs before letters" you have in my signed + promise—is well worth a hundred pounds, and cheap at the + price. It's my note of hand in exchange for the cash,—for + the "ready ay ready!" as we say at sea. Away to the fields of + gold!</p> + + <h4>PROSPECTING POSSIBILITIES.</h4> + + <p>N.B.—Rather think I am going to call on Queen ZAMBILI + this afternoon. Ahem! Do you remember the ballads of "<i>My + heart is true to Poll</i>," and "<i>The King of the + Owyhees</i>"? Again, ahem! "Black Queen to mate in three + moves." Of course, can't go in for this sort of thing myself, + but by deputy, eh? Representative Government and King PROXY THE + FIRST, with myself for Prime Minister. How's that Empire? + <a href="images/29-4.png"><img class="inline" + src="images/29-4.png" + width="50%" + alt="'Grandolph, the Explorer.' (signature)" /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM OUR OWN BEN TROVATO.—Said an artistic collector + to Mr. PARNELL, "Now I'll show you a beautiful specimen of + CARLO DOLCI." "I wish you could have shown it me some days + ago," replied the Ex-misleader of the Irish Party, "when I was + presented with a specimen of <i>Carlow</i> without the + <i>Dolci</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>COOK'S TOURIST PRIZE JUBILEE JOKE.—<i>Mem. for + Travellers contemplating a first visit to the + Continent</i>.—Being raw to the business, get Cook'd. + Depend upon it, you won't be "done."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE HUNDRED BEST BOOKS."—<i>Punch's</i> Half-Yearly + Volumes from the commencement, <i>i.e.</i>, July 17, 1841, to + June 27, 1891.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="SOCIAL AGONIES." /></a> + + <h3>SOCIAL AGONIES.</h3><i>Fair Visitor</i> (<i>to + Hostess</i>). "WHAT A DELIGHTFUL CONCERT YOU GAVE US LAST + WEDNESDAY, DEAR MRS. JONES! SUCH LOVELY MUSIC!—SUCH + SMART PEOPLE! EVERYBODY ONE KNOWS, YOU KNOW!"<br /> + [<i>Mrs. Jones's Aunt Tabitha (from whom she has great + expectations) hears of this delightful Concert for the + first time!</i>] + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Long Way after "Childe Harold</i>.")</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Adieu, adieu. Old Albion's shore!</p> + + <p class="i2">I leave, to bound the blue.</p> + + <p>My Yacht lies yonder! 'Tis a bore,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I <i>must</i> part from you.</p> + + <p>I sniff the brine, I love the sea;</p> + + <p class="i2">Half Englishman am I.</p> + + <p>Farewell to England, and to thee,</p> + + <p class="i2">Dear Grandmamma—good-bye!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I leave your isle, the truth to tell,</p> + + <p class="i2">With qualified regret.</p> + + <p>July in London would be well,</p> + + <p class="i2">But for the heavy wet.</p> + + <p>The soaking shower, the sudden squall,</p> + + <p class="i2">Spare not Imperial "tiles."</p> + + <p>May it be dry when next I call,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your slushiest of isles!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet I've enjoyed my visit, much,</p> + + <p class="i2">In spite of wet and wind.</p> + + <p>I with JOHN BULL have been in touch;</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i> have been passing kind.</p> + + <p>My father and grandfather gone</p> + + <p class="i2">Once trod your city sad;</p> + + <p>Now I the daring deed have done,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—it is not half bad.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That Opera Show was quite a sight;</p> + + <p class="i2">Your Sheriff HARRIS—well—</p> + + <p>AUGUSTUS, after Actium's fight,</p> + + <p class="i2">Was scarce a greater swell.</p> + + <p>The long parade, led by the Blues,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gave <i>me</i> the blues again.</p> + + <p>Not that the citizen were screws,</p> + + <p class="i2">No, Grand'ma, 'twas that rain!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I—ahem! <i>blessed</i> it fervently,</p> + + <p class="i2">Emperors must not complain;</p> + + <p>But do, <i>do</i> keep your Babylon dry,</p> + + <p class="i2">When I come back again.</p> + + <p>For Garden Parties, Shows, Reviews,</p> + + <p class="i2">And civic functions pale,</p> + + <p>When water soaks the stoutest shoes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And it blows half a gale.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your Lord MAYOR and his liveried lot,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>They</i> know a thing or two.</p> + + <p>Speeches of course are always rot,</p> + + <p class="i2">But then—the skies were blue!</p> + + <p>As for your Crystal Palace—ah!</p> + + <p class="i2">Your pride I would not shock,</p> + + <p>But you owe much, dear Grandmamma,</p> + + <p class="i2">To PAXTON and to BROCK.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your warriors are fine, if few;</p> + + <p class="i2">But still, if you ask <i>me</i>,</p> + + <p>You leave far too much power to</p> + + <p class="i2">A Railway Company.</p> + + <p>I would not let civilians snub</p> + + <p class="i2">My paladins—no fear!</p> + + <p>But then a Teuton—there's the rub!</p> + + <p class="i2">Is no mere Volunteer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now I really must be gone</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the wide, wide sea.</p> + + <p>Stiff state no more shall make me groan,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hurrah for liberty!</p> + + <p>I'm tired to death of functions fine,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ceremonial rot;</p> + + <p>Hurrah for ease! the breezy brine</p> + + <p class="i2">Tar-toggery, and my Yacht!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With yonder bark I'll gladly brave</p> + + <p class="i2">The seas about your isle.</p> + + <p>Thanks, Grand'ma, for that kerchief wave,</p> + + <p class="i2">And that right royal smile!</p> + + <p>Welcome, ye billows, tumbling brisk</p> + + <p class="i2">Beneath a cloud-swept sky!</p> + + <p>Give your white kerchief one more whisk,</p> + + <p class="i2">Dear Grandmamma—Good-bye!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>SCOTT (ANYTHING BUT) FREE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It is human nature, after all. When conscientiously I + cannot praise actors or actresses, or authors, they turn + their backs upon me. But when conscientiously I am able to + draw attention to their great merits, they simply + overflow."—Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT, in <i>The Illustrated + London News</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unlucky Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT!</p> + + <p class="i2">Since those who act our plays or write + them,</p> + + <p>Are so exacting that he's got</p> + + <p class="i2">The greatest trouble to delight them.</p> + + <p>When conscience tells him not to praise</p> + + <p class="i2">They "turn their backs" and will not know + him,</p> + + <p>When their "great merits" make him raise</p> + + <p class="i2">His voice—they "simply overflow" + him!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTE FOR AN IMPERIAL DIARY.—There were just a couple + or so of real good wet days for our Imperial and Royal + Highnesses. Jupiter Pluvius ladled it out to us unstintingly in + Imperial buckets full. Our Cousin German, so affectionately + dutiful to "Grandmamma," won't forget <i>La Rain + d'Angleterre</i> in a hurry. <i>Mem.</i> Next visit to London, + bring fewer uniforms and more waterproofs and umbrellas.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="'GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!'" /></a> + + <h3>"GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <h2>IMPERIAL AND OPERATIC.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/33-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>After considerable calculation as to re-imbursement for + present outlay by a consistent course of future economy, I took + a six-guinea stall for the EMPEROR's state visit to the Opera. + "Court dress" being "indispensable," I decided to summon to my + aid the well-known amateur theatrical costumier, DATHAN & + Co. DATHAN sees at a glance what I want. He measures me with + his eye. "Co." in waiting is dispatched to bring down two or + three Court suits. In less than ten minutes I am perfectly + fitted, that is, in DATHAN's not entirely disinterested but + still highly artistic opinion, with which "Co." unhesitatingly + agrees. For my own part, as a mere lay-figure, I should have + preferred the continuations being a trifle less tight round the + knee; also if the coat were a little easier about the + shoulders, and not quite so baggy in the back I should breathe + more freely; and, while we are on the subject, the collar might + be lower, as it is in close proximity to the lobes of my ears + and irritatingly tickles me. The white waistcoat—"well," + as "Co.," in the absence of DATHAN, rapturously observes, + "might ha' been made for yer!" "It might," true: but it + certainly wasn't, as it is somewhat long, and there's a little + shyness on the part of the last button but one in meeting the + button-hole with which it ought to be on the best possible + terms. But sharp-eyed little "Co." sees his way out of the + difficulty; he hoists up the collar, he adjusts pins in the + back, and, in a second, button and hole are in each other's + embrace. The coat-collar can be taken in and done + for—"nothing easier," says the undaunted Co.—and + the part across my manly chest can be let out,—of course + not a difficulty, as the whole suit, will be "let out" for the + evening.</p> + + <p>I am generally satisfied with my appearance in the glass as + a portrait of a gentleman in repose, but I feel that any + display of emotion, even of irrepressible loyalty, would + probably be disastrous to some portion of my attire. The Court + sword, too, is rather embarrassing, and, though Co. has + adroitly fixed it for me by some mysterious process of + invisible arrangement, yet, when I shall be left alone with the + sheathed weapon, and have to do all this buckling and hitching + for myself, I feel sure that that sword, which is only worn on + the left to defend the right, will give me no inconsiderable + trouble. Fortunately our washerwoman's husband, who comes late + on a Wednesday for the linen, is a retired sergeant, and knows + how this sort of thing should be done. He will assist in arming + me for the operatic fray. <i>Tout va bien.</i></p> + + <p><i>At Opera, Wednesday Night, July 8</i>.—Grand sight. + Very grand; not only that, but beautiful. Costumes, uniforms, + military, diplomatic,—all sorts, the real article and the + Dathanic,—impossible to tell one from the other, taking + them as a lot; but still, I feel that it is better to remain in + my Stall, where only the upper part of me is visible to the + unclothed eye. The consciousness that I am here, not as myself, + but in disguise as somebody else, name unknown, rather + oppresses me; only at first, however, as very soon I recognise + a number of familiar faces and figures all in strange array. A + stockbroker or two, a few journalists, several ordinary people + belonging to various callings and professions, some others + noble, some gentle, some simple, but most of us eyeing each + other furtively, and wondering where the deuce the other fellow + got his costume from, and what right he has to wear it.</p> + + <p>Every moment I expect some gaily attired person to come up + and say to me confidentially, "I know that suit; I wore it last + so-and-so. Isn't it a trifle tight about the shoulders? Beware! + when I wore it, it went a bit in the back." Man in gorgeous + uniform makes his way to the vacant Stall next to me. I am a + bit flustered until he salutes me heartily with—"How d'ye + do? How are you?" Why, it's—well, no matter who it is. I + have met him everywhere for years; we are the best of friends. + I knew he is something; somewhere in the City, but not much + anywhere else, and at all events he is no more a military man + than I am a courtier, but when he confides to me that he was + once upon a time in the Dampshire Yeomanry, and that this + uniform has served him for years, and looks uncommonly well at + night though it wouldn't bear the light of day, I begin to + comprehend the entire scene.</p> + + <p>My friend—we will call him TOMMY TUCKER, (for I have + frequently encountered him at supper, and am aware of his + capacity)—is full of information. Some of our neighbours + of an inquiring turn are asking one another who <i>that</i> is, + and who <i>this</i> is, and so forth; and when the answers are + incorrect, or even before the answers can be given, TOMMY + TUCKER has replied in a low voice, with a view to imparting + general information gratis, that So-and-So, in scarlet and + silver, is Mr. BLACKSTONE, of BLACKSTONE & SONS, head of + the great Coal Merchant Firm; that the man in blue and silver, + supposed to be a Hungarian <i>attaché</i>, is the junior + partner in BUNNUMS & Co., the Big Cake Purveyor; and that + the warlike person, with a jingling sabre, is not a Prussian + officer, but is Deputy JONES, in the gorgeous uniform of the + Old Buckshire Yeomanry; and when he's in the City, where he + began in the usual way that millionnaires always do begin, by + sweeping out an office, he is simply JONES, of Messrs. BROWN, + JONES, ROBINSON & Co., Wharfingers. TOMMY TUCKER knows + everybody, and everything about everybody, too. Who is that + lady with a splendid tiara of diamonds?—that is the + Duchess of BURLINGTON, "who"—and here, in a semi-whisper, + intended for everybody's information, he tells how those + brilliants come out for "one night only," and how they will be + called for to-morrow morning by a confidential agent from + POPSHOPPER's Establishment in the Great Loan Land. TOM TUCKER + is full of these stories. There isn't a person he doesn't know, + until happening to recognise here a one and there a one, I + correct him of my own private and personal knowledge, when he + frankly admits that I am right; and after casually explaining + how he does occasionally mistake the Countess of DUNNOYER for + Lady ELIZABETH MARTIN, he goes off at a tangent, and picks out + several other distinguished-looking personages, numbering them + as "first to right," "second to left," and so forth, as if in a + collection of wax-works, giving to each one of them a name and + a history. His acquaintance with the private life of the + aristocracy and the plutocracy is so extensive that I can only + wonder at his knowledge, his or marvel at wondrous powers of + ready invention.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:38%;"> + <a href="images/33-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33-2.png" + alt="Birds can sing, but wouldn't sing, and couldn't be made to sing, at Covent Garden, Wednesday, July 8." /> + </a>Birds can sing, but wouldn't sing, and couldn't be made + to sing, at Covent Garden, Wednesday, July 8. + </div> + + <p>So it goes on. Then enter the chief characters. All rise; + the orchestra plays the "<i>National Anthem</i>," in German, + suppose, out of compliment to our Imperial visitors; and + afterwards in English (translated, and, I fancy, "transposed"), + in honour of H.R.H. the Prince and Princess. All the wax-work + figures form in a row, under the direction of Lord Chamberlain + LATHOM; the machinery is put in motion; they all bow to the + audience; glasses are riveted on them; everybody is craning and + straining to get a good view; the people in the gallery and + just over the Royal Box loyally enjoy the scene, being quite + unable to see any of the distinguished persons who are, in this + instance, "quite beneath their notice." And then Signor + MANCINELLI turns his back on everybody, and gets to + business.</p> + + <p>After this, I feel that a buckle, somewhere or other, has + turned traitor, and inventing an excuse with a readiness worthy + of TOMMY TUCKER himself, I suddenly, but cautiously, retire. I + descend the grand staircase between two rows of beefeaters + reclining drowsily at their ease. Fast asleep, some of 'em, + after too much beef. Imagine myself a prisoner, in disguise of + course, escaping from the Tower in the olden time. Then, + fearing the collapse of another buckle or button, or the sudden + "giving" of a seam, I steal cautiously past the + Guards—then past serried ranks of soldiers under the + colonnade—then—once more in the street of Bow, and + I am free! I breathe again.</p> + + <p>Hie thee home, my gallant steed (an eighteenpenny fare in a + hansom), and let me resume the costume of private life, trifle + with a cutlet, drain the goblet and smoke the mild havannah. + <i>Sic transit gloria</i> Wednesday!</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) (Mysteriously.) THE DUKE OF + DIS GUISE.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Although there was more money in the house than + on any previous occasion, yet never did I see so many persons + who had "come in with orders," which they displayed lavishly, + wearing them upon their manly buzzums.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Men in Possession.</h3> + + <p>The Manager of Covent Garden is Sheriff HARRIS. Can all his + operatic officials all over the house be correctly termed + "Sheriff's Officers"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/34.png" + alt="THE GERMAN EMPEROR'S VISIT." /></a> + + <h3>THE GERMAN EMPEROR'S VISIT.</h3>SKETCHES ON THE + SPOT.—BY OUR OWN <i>GAILY CHAFFIC</i> ARTIST. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + + <h2>IMPERIAL IMPRESSIONS.</h2> + + <p>That they are not accustomed to ultra punctuality in the + arrival of steam-yachts at Port Victoria.</p> + + <p>That some one ought to catch it for not looking after the + water-pipes in the State dining-room.</p> + + <p>That it is rather trying to have to remain dignified with + your boots in three inches of water.</p> + + <p>That the Eton Volunteers are just the sort of boys to follow + the tradition of the past, and win a second Waterloo.</p> + + <p>That still it was a little awkward to have to review them in + the pauses of a thunderstorm.</p> + + <p>That the wedding as a wedding was not bad, but a couple of + hundred thousand troops or so posted as a guard of honour, + would have made it more impressive.</p> + + <p>That Buckingham Palace is rather <i>triste</i>, when it is + populated on the scale of one inhabitant to the square + mile.</p> + + <p>That Covent Garden Opera House, decorated with leagues of + flower wreaths, is the finest sight in the world.</p> + + <p>That Sheriff AUGUSTUS GLOSSOP HARRIS deserves a dukedom, + and, if he were a German, should have it.</p> + + <p>That one State Ball is like every other, but still it was + very well done on Friday.</p> + + <p>That the visit to the City was an entire success (although I + wish the audience had made up their minds whether they would + stand up or sit while I was speaking), thanks no doubt to the + influence of the Sheriff.</p> + + <p>That Saturday's doings were delightful. I was absolutely + deafened with the cheering.</p> + + <p>That it is very pleasant to be so well received, especially + when, three years ago, I was generally snubbed and treated as a + nobody.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BUSY BISLEY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Within measurable distance of Waking. + Enter</i> Lounger <i>and</i> Marksman, R. <i>and</i> L.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Lounger</i> (<i>heartily</i>). Why, I <i>am</i> glad to + see you! And how are things going on?</p> + + <p><i>Marksman</i> (<i>cordially, but abruptly</i>). Capitally! + Good-bye!</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you + stop a minute for a chat?</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Another time, but just now moments are + precious.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> But I say, you see I have found myself + here—it doesn't take much longer than getting down to + Wimbledon.</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Of course it doesn't—whoever said it + did? But there, old chap, I <i>must</i> be off!</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> You <i>are</i> in a hurry! Ah, we used to have + pleasant days in the old place?</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Did we? I daresay we did.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you + remember what fun it used to be decorating your tent; and then, + when the ladies came down—which they did nearly all the + day long—what larks it was getting them tea and + claret-cup?</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Very likely. But we don't have many ladies + now, and a good job too—they <i>are</i> a bore.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> Well, you <i>are</i> a chap! Why, how can + there be any fun without your sisters, and your cousins, and + your maiden aunts?</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> We don't want fun. But there, good-bye!</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> But I say, I have come all this way to look + you up.</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> (<i>unbending</i>). Very kind of you, but, my + dear fellow, you have chosen rather an unfortunate time.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do!</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Very likely. But then Bisley isn't + Wimbledon.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> (<i>dryly</i>). So it seems. Everyone said + that, when they moved the camp further away from home, they + would ruin the meeting.</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on + swimmingly.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> It must be beastly dull.</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, + after it rains, two minutes later it is dry as bone.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> Yes, but it stands to reason that it + <i>can't</i> be as popular as Wimbledon.</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> My dear fellow, figures are the best test of + that. In all the history of the Association we have never had + more entries than this year.</p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> That may be, but you don't have half the fun + you had nearer town.</p> + + <p><i>Marks.</i> (<i>laughing</i>). Don't want to! Business, my + dear fellow, not pleasure! And now, old man, I really + <i>must</i> be off! Ta, ta! See you later. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + + <p><i>Loung.</i> Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. + And as there doesn't seem much for <i>me</i> to do down here, I + shall return to town. [<i>Does so. Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:12%;"> + <a href="images/35-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35-1.png" + alt="Second Baron." /></a>Second Baron. + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons. Monday, July 6</i>.—Don't know + what the House of Lords would do without WEMYSS. How the House + of Commons gets along without ELCHO is another story. Of course + we are not absolutely ELCHO-less. Amurath has succeeded to + Amurath, and there is still an ELCHO in the Commons. Perhaps in + time he may reach the towering height of his illustrious + father. He does very well as it is; made exceedingly smart + speech the other afternoon on adjournment over Derby Day. We + try to bear up; make the best of things; but in our secret + hearts confess that this century has seen but one Lord ELCHO, + and now he's Earl of WEMYSS.</p> + + <p>Was in fine old style to-night. DORCHESTER brought on + question of Volunteers. They are going to Wimbledon on Saturday + to be reviewed by that veteran the German EMPEROR. DORCHESTER, + in modest, convincing speech, pointed out how unfair it was + that, in addition to, in many cases, losing a day's pay, in all + cases incurring a day's hard work, that Volunteers should be + required to pay expenses of their trip to Wimbledon. DORCHESTER + left nothing unsaid; put the whole case in brief speech. But + WEMYSS not going to be left out. Interposed in fine patronising + manner; made acknowledgment of DORCHESTER's good intention; + but, suggesting an absolutely imaginary case, took exception to + the presentation of the Volunteers in the light of asking for a + day's pay. That, he said, would spoil the whole case.</p> + + <p>No one had suggested anything of the kind. WEMYSS had + brought this nine-pin in with him as if it were one of a set of + baccarat counters, had set it up, and was now knocking it down. + Noble Lords sat and stared in polite amazement. CRANBROOK, in + his impetuous way, jumped up and raised point of order. WEMYSS + put him aside with sweep of sword-arm, and went on to end of + his speech, which showed who was the true friend of the + Volunteer forces.</p> + + <p>"Ah," said young LAMINGTON, second Baron, regarding with + pleased interest the flush of satisfaction that mantled WEMYSS' + brow when he resumed his seat, "this House would have been + nothing only for us fellows coming in from the Commons. It's + new blood that does it. I'll make them a speech myself some + day."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Quite a lot in the Commons.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—FERGUSSON says life at Foreign Office + would be endurable only for LABBY. The Sage has got the Triple + Alliance on the brain; spends his mornings in drafting + questions there anent. That FERGUSSON wouldn't mind so much, + only it involves his spending <i>his</i> afternoons in drafting + answers that shall look coherent, and yet say nothing. Answers + often so admirably suited to their purpose, that doubts arise + as to whether a firmer hand than FERGUSSON's has not traced + them on paper. "A dull man," was the phrase in which, years + ago, JOHN BRIGHT dismissed from consideration the statesman + then known as Sir CHARLES ADDERLY. To House of Commons + FERGUSSON is a dull man, incapable, as it seems, of framing + these subtle answers that look as if they meant so much, and + yet say so little.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/35-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35-2.png" + alt="Sage of Queen Anne's Gate." /></a>Sage of Queen + Anne's Gate. + </div> + + <p>Whoever be the author, it must be said that FERGUSSON + contributes to success of answers by his manner of reading + them. So portentous is his gravity, so like a stone wall his + imperturbability, that the Sage dashes himself up against it + with much the same effect as if he were attacking one of the + buttresses of Westminster Hall. It is a fortuitous + concatenation of circumstances, most happy in its result, that + when in the House of Commons an answer is to be given which + shall convey no information, the MARKISS should dictate it, and + FERGUSSON recite it. If, in reply to the Sage's question + to-night, as to the understanding between this country and + Italy with respect to the <i>status quo</i> in Mediterranean, + FERGUSSON had stood up and + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> recited the multiplication + table up to twelve times twelve, the remarks would have been + just as relevant and informing as those he read from the + paper. Moreover, the gravity of his aspect and the solemn + inflection of his voice, would have compelled Members to + listen to the end of the recitation with a sort of dim + consciousness that they were really being informed as to the + details of an understanding come to between Her majesty's + Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and the Governments + of Germany and Italy.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Education Bill through Report + Stage.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—House having disposed of Land + Purchase Bill and Education Bill, is able to devote portion of + sitting to consideration of its own personal affairs. MORTON + brings on subject of Bar in Lobby of House of Commons. Nothing + to do with the Bar that LOCKWOOD, ASQUITH, and REID adorn; + merely a counter, at which they sell what JEMMY LOWTHER alludes + to, with a bewitching air of distant acquaintance, as + "alcoholic liquors." MORTON, whose great ambition in life is to + make people thoroughly comfortable, wants to close the Bar. + SYDNEY HERBERT, making a rare appearance as spokesman for the + Government on the Treasury Bench, pleads as a set-off against + alleged evil example, the large consumption of "lemon squash," + which he explains to the House is "a non-intoxicant." + CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN sends thrill of apprehension through + listening Senate by inquiring whether the House of Commons is + licensed for the sale of intoxicating liquors?</p> + + <p>No one every thought of that before. As far an anyone knows, + place isn't licensed; consequently, in very birthplace of + legislation, the law has for years been systematically defied. + Worse this than what happened at Temple the other day, when + LORD CHANCELLOR and a score of principal Members of Bar of + England narrowly escaped indictment for playing a drama in an + unlicensed hall. Vision conjured up the police making sudden + descent on the House, walking off with SPEAKER, + SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and possibly OLD MORALITY, to nearest + station, there to be locked up till released on bail.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/36.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36.png" + alt="Jemmy Lowther." /></a>Jemmy, J.P. + </div> + + <p>JEMMY LOWTHER much struck by suggestion. His innate + magisterial instincts on the alert. We all know and like JEMMY, + but few of us have opportunity of seeing him at his very best. + That happens when he sits on the Magisterial Bench and + dispenses justice. It is as JEMMY, J.P., he rises to the + fullest height of his judicial manner. Still, pretty well just + now. A little embarrassed at the outset by consciousness that + his postal address at Leeds is "Swillington House." Afraid some + ribald person will remember this, and vulgarly connect it with + the discussion. Delightful to observe the way in which he + reproved GEORGE CAMPBELL for language unbecoming the precincts + of the Court. CAMPBELL had lightly spoken about "Members + requiring a pick-me-up." "Persons enjoying the privilege of + obtaining alcoholic liquors," was the way JEMMY put it, with a + severe glance towards the abashed Knight of Kircaldy.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Turns out to-night that MORTON doesn't + approve the Triple Alliance. This would be awkward, in any + circumstances. Peculiarly embarrassing just now with one of the + principal signatories our guest. Emperor WILLIAM, was most + anxious to come down to House; meant to see everything whilst + he was here, not knowing what may happen before another + opportunity presents itself.</p> + + <p>"Always read your Diary, TOBY," he said to me, over a + strawberry and cream at Marlborough House yesterday; "gather + from it the impression that House of Commons is exceedingly + interesting place; all its Members eloquent, and all its + Ministers virtuous. Must go and see it. Look in on Friday."</p> + + <p>Here's a go! Known beforehand that MORTON meant to state his + views on the MARKISS's foreign policy, with its evident leaning + toward Germany. Very awkward if EMPEROR came in just while + MORTON was speaking.</p> + + <p>"It would play the doose with the <i>ententy cordially</i>," + said JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, who resents MORTON's interference + in the field of foreign policy.</p> + + <p>Happily Emperor WILLIAM didn't get as far as Westminster; + detained at Guildhall; just got off in time to dine with the + Great DOOK, and afterwards to the ball at Buckingham Palace. So + peace between to great nations is maintained. But MORTON ran us + pretty close. <i>Business done.</i>—Committee of + Supply.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THEN AND NOW.</h2> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S JUBILEE RETROSPECT.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["<i>Punch</i> and the Elections were the only matters + which occupied the public mind on July 17, + 1841."—<i>Introduction to "Punch," Vol.</i> I.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fifty years ago, my Public, fifty years ago!</p> + + <p>Faith, the years fleet swiftly onward, though sad + hours seem slow.</p> + + <p>Forty-One beheld my advent, Friend of Truth and + Fun;</p> + + <p>From my <i>sanctum</i> still I greet you now in + Ninety-One.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Punch</i> and the Elections!" Truly a + compendious text.</p> + + <p>With how many Burning Questions men to-day are + vext!</p> + + <p>Then the Whigs perceived their tether pretty nearly + run,</p> + + <p>And—they're watching Bye-Elections now in + Ninety-One.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then Lord JOHN was on the Treasury Bench, though ill + at ease,</p> + + <p>Thence to be soon torn—like + Theseus;—PEEL, the Hercules.</p> + + <p>Now SMITH smiles a toothy smile in little JOHNNY's + place,</p> + + <p>White the Grand Old Hercules sits watching grave of + face.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>He</i> remembers Forty-One! Few, except + <i>Punch</i> and him,</p> + + <p>Linger from those brave old days, now distant grown + and dim!</p> + + <p>He has reached his Jubilee, as <i>Punch</i> this + year hath done.</p> + + <p>Veterans both, we drink each other's health in + Ninety-One!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Forty-One was fierce and fiery. Young DISRAELI + then</p> + + <p>Bravely buttered stout Sir ROBERT as the best of + men.</p> + + <p>Pheugh! But in how short a time was BEN's envenomed + steel</p> + + <p>Destined to find rankling lodgment in the breast of + PEEL!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now? Well, there is jaunty JOSEPH poisoning his + pint;</p> + + <p>Seeking in GRANDOLMAN's mail some penetrable + joint!</p> + + <p>Heroes and ex-armour-bearers still keep up the + fun;</p> + + <p>One-and-Forty saw it so, and so does Ninety-One!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mr. SHARMAN CRAWFORD (who was <i>he</i>? Let + quidnuncs guess!)</p> + + <p>Moved Amendment relative to "Popular Distress."</p> + + <p><i>Then</i> his cure was Wider Suffrage. <i>Now</i> + what would it be?</p> + + <p>Land with little or no Rent, and Education Free?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then the Corn Laws cramped Free Trade; free + Competition now</p> + + <p>Breeds the Sweater, harsh exploiter of the toiler's + brow,</p> + + <p>When brave PEEL achieved Repeal some deemed the task + was done,</p> + + <p>But Commissions upon Labour sit in Ninety-One.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>SIBTHORP then amused St. Stephen's; we have SEYMOUR + KEAY,</p> + + <p>D'ORSAY then was wit and dandy, OSCAR WILDE have + we.</p> + + <p>And if wild FEARGUS O'CONNOR fashioned Land Schemes + then,</p> + + <p>BURNS and MORRIS well can match him now with tongue + or pen.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then TOM HOOD could sing that + Song<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + which moved a world to tears,</p> + + <p>London Laundrydom on Strike now in Hyde park + appears.</p> + + <p>Ah! since Eighteen Forty-One much has been + tried—and <i>done</i>,</p> + + <p>But <i>Punch</i> finds no lack of labour e'en in + Ninety-One!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the + Throne,</p> + + <p>Now her Royal Jubilee is full four years bygone.</p> + + <p>He who has illumed her reign with wisdom, wit, and + fun,</p> + + <p>Greets her loyally to-day as then, in Forty-One.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Madam, much since then has happened, much has been + achieved;</p> + + <p>Marvels, commonplace to-day, few then would have + believed.</p> + + <p>Science, Liberty, Pure Manners, order, Peace, + Goodwill,</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> for Fifty Years has championed, and + will champion still.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then and now! The captious cynic at the contrast + sneers,</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> believes in, and would help, the + Progress of the Years.</p> + + <p>When his Century's full course, fifty Years hence, + has run,</p> + + <p>With good heart and glad may he look back on + Ninety-One!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>"<i>The Song of the Shirt</i>," which appeared on page + 260 of Vol. V., 1843, in a supplementary number entitled, + "<i>Punch's</i> Triumphal Procession."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>INFLUENZA.—I should feel really grateful to any reader + who can tell me whether I have Influenza or not. I think I must + have it, as I have tested my temperature with a thermometer + attached to a weather-glass hanging in the hall, which is only + slightly cracked, and find that it—my temperature, not + the weather-glass—stays constantly at 120 degrees, which + seems rather high. My headaches are <i>frightful</i>, and the + pills with forty grains of quinine in them, which I have been + recommended to take by a neighbouring chemist's assistant, do + not seem to do any good. Cough and chemist's bill both very + heavy. Ought I have to have a change? If so, whom should I try + and take it out of?—NERVOUS SUBJECT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13446 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |