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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13446 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+July 18, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. II.--TO SOCIAL AMBITION.
+
+
+DEAR SIR, OR MADAM,
+
+I had not intended to annoy you with another letter. But since I
+addressed you last week I have received one or two communications--not
+from you, _bien entendu_, for you are too wary to dispute the accuracy
+of what I have written; but from concrete human beings, who pretend to
+speak on your behalf, and deny that I have "proved my case." I might
+answer by saying that I never set out to prove a case--that I wished
+merely to enjoy a friendly chat with you, and to appeal to your
+clemency on behalf of the large class whom I ventured to represent by
+the DABCHICKS. "But," says one of my detractors, in a letter now lying
+before me, "you have only given one instance. You have talked grandly
+about Queens, and Dukes, and actresses, and, in the end, you have
+put us off with a wretched story about the _parvenu_ DABCHICK. For
+my part, I refuse to admit your authority until you prove, in greater
+detail, that you really know something of the subject on which you
+presumed to write." "Sir," I reply, "you are brusque, and somewhat
+offensive in the style you use towards me. For my part I do not admit
+that you are entitled to an answer from me, and I have felt disposed
+to pass you by in silence. But since there may be other weak vessels
+of your sort, I will do violence to myself, and pen another letter."
+And thus, my dear SOCIAL AMBITION, I once more take the liberty of
+addressing you, not without an inward tremor lest you should pounce
+upon me unawares, and cause me to expiate my rashness by driving me
+from the calm seclusion in which I spend my days, to mingle with the
+feverish throng who wrangle for place and precedence, myself the most
+feverish wrangler of them all. But, on the principle that we are both,
+in some sort, hawks, I think I may trust you to spare my eyes, while I
+remind you of one or two incidents in which you bore a part.
+
+And first BLENKINSOP knocks at the door of my memory. I bid him
+enter, and I see a tall slim youth, not ill-favoured, wearing well-cut
+clothes, and carrying a most beautiful, gold-topped Malacca cane
+delicately in his hand. He is smoking a cigar, and complains to me
+that his life is a succession of aimless days, and that he cannot find
+any employment to turn his hand to. That very night, I remember, he
+dined with me. We went to the play together, and afterwards looked in
+at Lady ALICIA PARBOIL's dance. Dear Lady ALICIA, how plump she was,
+and how good-natured, and how well she married her fiddle-headed
+daughters. Her husband too, that clumsy, heavy-witted oaf, how
+cunningly and how successfully withal she schemed for his advancement.
+_Quid plura?_ you knew her well, she was devoted to you. I only speak
+of her to remind you that it was in her hospitable rooms that GERVASE
+BLENKINSOP met you--and his fate. He had danced for the second time
+that evening with ELVIRA PARBOIL, and, having returned that blushing
+virgin to her accustomed corner, was just about to depart when the
+ample form of Lady ALICIA bore down upon him: "Oh, Mr. BLENKINSOP,"
+her Ladyship began, "I really cannot allow you to go before I
+introduce you to Mr. WILBRAHAM. I hear," she continued, "he has just
+lost his Private Secretary, and who knows but that--" Here she paused,
+and archly tapping her _protégé's_ cheek with her fan, she bore him
+off to introduce him to the Cabinet Minister. I watched the ceremony.
+Something whispered to me that BLENKINSOP was lost. Must I go through
+the whole painful story? He became Private Secretary to his new Right
+Honourable friend, and from that moment he was a changed man. His
+cheery good-nature vanished. Instead of it he cultivated an air of
+pompous importance. One by one he weeded out his useless friends, and
+attached to himself dull but potentially useful big wigs who possessed
+titles and influence. At one of our last speaking interviews (we
+only nod distantly now when we meet), he hinted that in the next
+distribution of honours his name might be expected. It appeared, but,
+alas for gratitude, he had to satisfy himself with a paltry K.C.M.G.,
+which his wife (I forgot to say that he married ELVIRA) despises.
+He is now a disappointed man whom his friends, if he had any, would
+pity. He is getting on in life; the affectations he so laboriously
+cultivated no longer amuse. The witlings of his Clubs remark openly
+upon his ridiculous desire to pose as an earth-shaking personage, and
+when he goes home he has to listen to a series of bitter home-truths
+from the acrid ELVIRA. Would it not, I ask, have been better for
+Sir GERVASE BLENKINSOP, K.C.M.G., to have continued his ancient and
+aimless existence, than to have had a fallacious greatness dangled
+before his eyes to the end of his disappointed, but aspiring life?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+One more instance, and I have done. Do you remember TOMMY TIPSTAFF at
+Trinity? I do. He was, of course, a foolish youth, but he might have
+had a pleasant life in the fat living for which his family intended
+him. In his second year at the University, he met Sir JAMES SPOOF,
+an undergraduate Baronet, of great wealth, and dissolute habits. Poor
+TOMMY was dazzled by his new friend's specious glare and glitter, and
+his slapdash manner of scattering his money. They became inseparable.
+The same dealer supplied them with immense cigars, they went to
+race meetings, and tried to break the ring. When Sir JAMES wished to
+gamble, TOMMY was always ready to keep the bank. And all the time poor
+Mrs. TIPSTAFF, in her country home, was overjoyed at her darling's
+success in what she told me once was the most brilliant and remarkable
+set at Cambridge.
+
+Where is TOMMY now? The other day a ragged man shambled up to me,
+with a request that I should buy a box of lights from him. There was
+a familiar something about him. Could it be TOMMY? The question was
+indirectly answered, for, before I could extract a penny, or say a
+word, he looked hard at me, turned his head away, and made off as fast
+as his rickety legs would carry him. Most men must have had a similar
+experience, but few know, as I do, that you, my dear SOCIAL AMBITION,
+urged the wretched TOMMY to his destruction.
+
+On the whole, I dislike you. Those who obey you become the meanest of
+God's creatures.
+
+Pardon my candour, and believe me, Yours, without respect, DIOGENES
+ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUTHOR! AUTHOR!
+
+LORD COLERIDGE's summing up to the Jury in the action taken by _Jones_
+(author of burlesques) v. _Roberts_ (player of the same) was excellent
+common sense, a quality much needed in the case. Mr. JONES,--not our
+ENERY HAUTHOR, whose contempt for Burlesque generally is as well known
+as he can make it,--wrote to Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, formerly of the
+Music Halls and now of the legitimate Stage, styling him "Governor,"
+and professed that he would "fit him to a T." _Poeta nascitur non
+"fit_."--and the born burlesque-versifier was true to what would
+probably be his comic version of the Latin proverb. But the inimitable
+ARTHUR, who does so much for himself on the stage, hardly required any
+extraneous help, and at last rejected the result of poor JONES's three
+months' hard labour at the Joe-Millery mill. This, however, was no
+joke to JONES, who straightway decided that this time he would give
+the inimitable ARTHUR something quite new in the way of a jest; and
+so, dropping the dialogue, he came to "the action," which, in this
+instance, was an action-at-law. Whatever Mr. ROBERTS may have thought
+of the words, he will hardly have considered the result of this case
+as "good business" from his own private and peculiar point of view.
+But all Dramatic Authors,--with the solitary exception of Mr. YARDLEY,
+formerly famous in the field, but now better known in "The Lane," at
+pantomime time, than to any Court where he has a legal right to appear
+in wig and gown,--from the smallest, who write to please a "Governor,"
+up to the biggest, who write to please themselves, should rejoice at
+the decision in the case of _Jones_ v. _Roberts_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OMISSION AT THE GUILDHALL LUNCHEON.--On the occasion of the Civic
+Banquet to the German EMPEROR, an Alderman, distinguished for his
+courtesy to strangers, and his appreciation of good dishes, especially
+of anything at all spicy, wished to know why, as a compliment to their
+Imperial guest, they had omitted "pickelhaubes" from the bill of fare?
+He had understood, from well-informed friends, that the EMPEROR seldom
+went anywhere without some "pickelhaubes," whatever they might be,
+as he himself, the worthy Alderman, had never had the opportunity of
+tasting one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RED QUEEN AND THE WHITE; OR, ALICE IN THUNDERLAND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOLLY JULY.
+
+  The storm of rain comes swirling down,
+    Our helpless flow'rets droop and die;
+  The thunder crashes o'er the town--
+            In wet July.
+
+  Our cricket-match is spoilt, the stumps
+    We draw beneath a drenching sky;
+  Then homeward wend in doleful dumps--
+            In wet July.
+
+  The lawn's a lake, whereon there float
+    The balls that erst would o'er it fly;
+  We can't play tennis from a boat,
+            In wet July.
+
+  Our garden-party's ruined quite,
+    Of invitations friends fight shy;
+  They wisely shun the sloppy sight
+            In wet July.
+
+  Take that old aneroid away,
+    A new barometer we'll try;
+  With hope for haply one fine day--
+            In wet July.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEATING THE RECORD.--Mrs. MALAPROP's "Cerberus, as three single
+gentlemen rolled into one," was "not in it" last week with H.R.H. the
+Prince of WALES, who, in the course of the Royal Entertainments given
+to our Imperial Cousin-German, appeared as "a host of illustrious
+personages." An admirable performance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NURSERY ECHO FROM CARLOW.
+
+  PARNELL put the KETTLE on,
+    TIM HEALY came it rather strong,
+  HAMMOND was the people's man,
+          And he's now M.P.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS.
+
+_Jones_ (_Blue Ribbon--to abstemious Lady he has taken in to dinner_).
+"LOOK HERE, MADAM, WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON A _BIT_! EITHER YOU
+MUST HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE, OR, BY JOVE, _I_ MUST!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALICE IN THUNDERLAND.
+
+    _Alice_ ... The TH-ND-R-R. _White Queen_ ... H-RC-RT.
+    _Red Queen_ ... CH-MB-RL-N.
+
+"I'll tell you what it is, your Majesty," said ALICE in a severe tone
+(she was always rather fond of scolding the White Queen), "it'll never
+do to swagger about all over the place like that! Dignitaries have to
+be dignified, you know!"
+
+Everything was happening so oddly (since Thunderland had turned
+against Blunderland) that she didn't feel a bit surprised at finding
+the Red Queen and the White Queen sitting close to her, one on
+each side. But she found it rather difficult to be quite civil to
+them--especially the White Queen, who had once been rather a favourite
+with her, but at whom she now never lost an opportunity of girding.
+
+"Always speak the truth," said the Red Queen (cocking her nose at the
+White)--"think before you speak--and _write it down afterwards_. It's
+safest, if you're dealing with _some_ persons."
+
+"That's just what I complain of," said the White Queen, loftily. "You
+couldn't tell the truth--about that Table--if you tried with both
+hands."
+
+"I don't tell the truth with my _hands_," the Red Queen objected,
+icily.
+
+"Nobody said you did," said the White Queen. "Nobody said you told
+it _anyhow_. I said you couldn't if you tried. And you _don't_ try
+either. So _there_!"
+
+"She's in that state of mind," said the Red Queen, "that she wants to
+deny _something_--only she doesn't know what to deny!"
+
+"A nasty vicious temper," the White Queen remarked; and then there was
+an uncomfortable silence for a month or two.
+
+The White Queen broke the silence by saying to the Red Queen, "I
+invite you to ALICE's Party--which _used_ to be neutral ground--to
+explain, if you _can_, that nondescript nonsense of yours about
+National Councils as a substitute for Home Rule."
+
+The Red Queen smiled sourly, and said, "And I invite _you_"
+
+"I didn't know _I_ was to have a Party at all," said ALICE. "Parties
+are things I don't hold with, as a rule; too great a tax and a tie. I
+like my freedom, _I_ do. But, if I _am_ to have one, I think _I_ ought
+to invite the guests."
+
+"ALICE of Thunderland, you require some lessons in manners," the White
+Queen remarked.
+
+"Manners are not taught in lessons," said ALICE. "Lessons teach _some_
+people to do sums, and things of that sort."
+
+"Can you do addition?" the Red Queen asked scornfully of the White.
+("Bah, she can't do sums a _bit_!" she added, aside.)
+
+"She is doubtless better at _Division_," interposed ALICE,
+significantly.
+
+"Divide a State by a Statutory Parliament," said the Red Queen, with a
+derisive wink. "What's the right answer to that?"
+
+"Much the same as dividing a Nation by an indefinite number of
+Councils," retorted the White Queen, smartly. "Talk about _tu
+quoques_, there's one for you!"
+
+"Oh, as for that," rejoined the Red Queen, sniffing, "try another
+subtraction sum! Take a Grand Old Leader from a 'Party' of discredited
+'Items,' and what would remain?"
+
+"Why, a Policy, of course," replied the White Queen. "And another
+Leader," she added, _sotto voce_. "Here's another for _you_," she
+pursued, aloud. "Take a Liberal-Unionist Tail from a Radical 'Rat,'
+what would remain then?"
+
+"I suppose _you_ think _nothing_ would remain," sneered the Red Queen.
+
+"Wrong, as usual," said the White Queen; "the Rat's nasty temper would
+remain."
+
+"But I don't see how!"
+
+"Why, look here," the White Queen cried; "the Rat would lose its
+temper with its 'tail,' wouldn't it?"
+
+"Perhaps it would," ALICE replied, cautiously.
+
+"Then, if the 'Rat' went away from its 'Tail,' its temper would
+remain," the White Queen exclaimed.
+
+ALICE said, as gravely as she could. "They might go different
+ways--the 'Rat,' the 'Tail,' and the 'Temper.'" But she couldn't help
+thinking to herself, "What dreadful nonsense we _are_ talking!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ONLY ONE.--A ready-penning writer in his _Daily Graphic_ notice of
+doings in the Houses of Parliament, winds up his description of giving
+the Royal Assent to Bills in the Upper House with these words--"_So
+ends the ceremony, which seems to take one away from the Nineteenth
+Century_"--a little sum in subtraction--i.e., take one away from
+the Nineteenth Century, and the Eighteenth Century remains; but to
+continue--"_back to the days of the Edwards and the Henrys_." But why
+go back to any other century than the "so-called Nineteenth"? Isn't it
+only a very few years ago that _the_ EDWARDS, the singular HENRY with
+plural surname of EDWARDS, sat for Weymouth? What other HENRYS or
+EDWARDS could ever occur to any well-conditioned Parliamentary scribe?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+A RECITATION UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
+
+    SCENE--_An Evening Party; Miss FRESIA BLUDKINSON, a talented
+    young Professional Reciter, has been engaged to entertain the
+    company, and is about to deliver the favourite piece entitled,
+    "The Lover of Lobelia Bangs, a Cowboy Idyl." There is the
+    usual crush, and the guests outside the drawing-room, who can
+    neither hear nor see what is going on, console themselves by
+    conversing in distinctly audible tones. Jammed in a doorway,
+    between the persons who are trying to get in, and the people
+    who would be only too glad to get out, is an Unsophisticated
+    Guest who doesn't know a soul, and is consequently reduced to
+    listening to the Recitation. This is what he hears:--_
+
+[Illustration: "I am only a Cowboy."]
+
+_Miss Fresia Blud_. (_in a tone of lady-like apology_).
+
+  I am only a Cowboy--
+
+[_Several Ladies put up their glasses, and examine her critically, as
+if they had rather expected this confession. Sudden burst of Society
+Chatter from without._
+
+_Society Chatter_. How d'ye do?... Oh, but her parties never _are_!...
+How are you?... No, I left her at ... Yes, he's somewhere about ...
+Saw you in the Row this mornin'.... Are you doing anything on ----?...
+Oh, _what_ a shame!... No, but _doesn't_ she now?... No earthly use
+trying to get in at present ... &c., &c.
+
+_Miss Fresia B._ (_beginning again, with meek despair, a little
+louder_).
+
+  I am only a Cowboy; reckless, rough, in an unconventional suit of clothes;
+  I hain't, as a rule, got much to say, and my conversation is mostly oaths.
+
+    [_Cries of "Ssh!" intended, however, for the people outside,
+    who are chattering harder than ever._
+
+  When the cackle of females strikes my ear--
+
+_Society Chatter_ (_as before_). Oh, _much_ cooler here ... Yes,
+delightful, wasn't it? Everybody one knows ... No, you don't
+_really_?... Oh, POPSY's flourishing, thanks ... The new Butler turned
+out a perfect demon ... but I said I wouldn't have his tail dooked
+for anything ... so they've painted it _eau de Nil_, and it looks _so_
+nice!
+
+_Miss F.B._ (_pointedly_).
+
+  When the cackle of females strikes my ear, I jest vamose, for they
+      make me skeered,
+  And I sorter suspicion I skeer them too, with my hulking form, and
+      my bushy beard!
+
+    [_Here, of course, she strokes a very round chin._
+
+_Society Chatter_. Seems to be somethin' goin' on in there--singin',
+actin', dancin', or somethin' ... Well, of course, only heard _her_
+version of it as yet, y'know ... Have you seen him in ... white
+bensaline with a Medici collar, and one of those ... nasty gouty
+attacks he _will_ have are only rheumatism, &c., &c.
+
+_Miss F.B._ (_when next heard_).
+
+  I cleared my throat, and I tried to speak--but the words died
+      strangled--
+
+_A Feminine Voice outside_. So _long_ since we had a quiet talk
+together! Do tell me all about, &c., &c.
+
+_Miss F.B._                         --strangled by sheer alarm.
+
+  For there in front--
+
+    [_Here she points dramatically at a stout matron, who fans
+    herself consciously._
+
+              --was the slender form, and the sweet girl-face of our
+      new "School Harm"!
+  Say, boys! hev' ye heard an Æolian harp which a Zephyr's tremulous
+      finger twangs?
+  Wa'al, it kinder thrills ye the way I felt when I first beheld
+      LOBELIA BANGS!
+
+_Soc. Chat._ Oh, you really _ought_ to go--so touching! DICK and I
+both regularly howled all through the last Act ... Not in the _least_,
+thanks. Well, if there _is_ a seat ... You're sure there _are_ any
+ices? Then, strawberry, please--no, _nothing_ to drink!... _Will_ you
+allow me?... Told she could dress hair perfectly, but I soon found she
+was ... a Swedenborgian, my dear, or something horrid ... Haven't you?
+_I've_ had it three times, and ... so many people have asked me for
+cards that really I ... had the drains thoroughly looked to, and now
+they're ... delicious, but rather overpowering in a _room_, I think!
+&c., &c.
+
+_Miss F.B._ (_with genuine feeling_).
+
+  Who would imagine one meek-voiced girl could have held her own, in a
+      deafening din!
+  But LOBELIA's scholars discovered soon she'd a dead-sure notion of
+      discipline;
+  For her satin palm had a sting like steel, and the rowdiest rebel
+      respected her,
+  When she'd stretched out six of the hardest lots in the Bible-Class
+      with a Derringer!
+
+_Soc. Chat._ No, a very dull party, you could move about quite easily
+in all the rooms, so we ... kicked the whole concern to shivers and
+... came on here as soon as we could ... Capital dinner they _gave_
+us, too ... &c., &c.
+
+_Miss F.B._ (_with as much conviction as possible under the
+circumstances_).
+
+  And the silence deepened; no creature stirred in the stagnant hush,
+      and the only sound
+  Was the far-off lumbering jolt, produced by the prairie rolling for
+      leagues around!
+
+_Soc. Chat._ (_crescendo_). Oh, an old aunt of mine has gone in for
+step-dancing--she's had several lessons ... and cut her knees rather
+badly, y'know, so I put her out to grass ... and now she can sit
+up and hold a biscuit on her nose ... but she really ought to mix a
+little grey in her wig!
+
+    [_&c. &c., to the distraction of the Unsophisticated Guest,
+    who is getting quite interested in LOBELIA BANGS whom he
+    suddenly discovers, much to his surprise, on horseback._
+
+_Miss F.B._
+
+  And on we cantered, without a word, in the midday heat, on our swift
+      mustangs.
+  I was only ignorant Cowboy CLEM--but I worshipped bright LOBELIA BANGS!
+
+_Soc. Chat._ (_fortissimo_). Not for ages; but last time I met him he
+was ... in a dreadful state, with the cook down with influenza ... and
+so I suppose he's _married_ her by this time!
+
+_Miss F.B._ (_excitedly_).
+
+  But hark! in the distance a weird shrill cry, a kinder mournful,
+      monotonous yelp--
+
+(_Further irruption of Society Chatter_) ... is it jackal?--bison?--a
+cry for help?
+
+_Soc. Chat._ Such a complete _rest_, you know--so perfectly peaceful!
+Not a soul to talk to. I _love_ it ... but, to really enjoy a tomato,
+you must see it dressed ... in the _sweetest_ little sailor suit!
+
+_Miss F.B._
+
+  My horse was a speck on the pampas' verge, for I dropped the rein in
+      my haste to stoop;
+  Then I pressed my ear to the baking soil--and caught--ah, horror--the
+      Indian whoop!
+
+_Soc. Chat._ Some say it _isn't_ infectious, but one can't be too
+careful, and, with children in the house, &c., &c.
+
+_Miss F.B._
+
+  I rose to my feet with quivering knees, and my face turned white as a
+      fresh-washed towel;
+  I had heard a war-cry I knew too well--'twas the murderous band of
+      Blue-nosed Owl!
+
+_Soc. Chat._ Nice fellow--I'm very fond of him--so fresh--capital
+company--met him when I was over there, &c.
+
+_Miss F.B._
+
+  "What? leave you to face those fiends alone!" she cried, and slid from
+      her horse's back;
+  "Let me die with you--for I love you, CLEM!" Then she gave her steed a
+      resounding smack,
+  And he bounded off; "Now Heaven be praised that my school six-shooter
+      I brought!" said she.
+  "Four barrels I'll keep for the front-rank foes--and the next for
+      you--and the last for me!"
+
+_Soc. Chat._ Is it a _comic_ piece she's doing, do you know? Don't
+think so, I can see somebody smiling. Sounds rather like SHAKSPEARE,
+or DICKENS, or one of those fellahs ... Didn't catch what you said. No
+Quite impossible to hear oneself speak, _isn't_ it?
+
+_Miss F.B._
+
+  And ever louder the demons yelled for their pale-faced prey--but I
+      scorned death's pangs,
+  For I deemed it a doom that was half delight to die by the hand of
+      LOBELIA BANGS!
+  Then she whispered low in her dulcet tones, like the crooning coo of
+      a cushat dove!
+  (_At the top of her voice_). "Forgive me, CLEM, but I could not bear
+      any squaw to torture my own true love!"
+  And she raised the revolver--"crack-crack-crack!"
+
+    [_To the infinite chagrin of the Unsophisticated Guest, who
+    is intensely anxious to hear how Miss BANGS and her lover
+    escaped from so unpleasant a dilemma--the remaining cracks
+    of her revolver, together with the two next stanzas, are
+    drowned in a fresh torrent of small-talk--after which he
+    hears Miss F.B. conclude with repressed emotion_:
+
+  But the ochre on Blue-nosed Owl was blurred, as his braves concluded
+      their brief harangues;
+  And he dropped a tear on the early bier of our Prairie belle, LOBELIA
+      BANGS!
+
+    [_Which of course leaves him in a state of hopeless
+    mystification._
+
+_Soc. Chat._ Is that the _end_? Charming! Now we shall be able to
+_talk_ again! &c., &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFF TO MASHER LAND.
+
+(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._)
+
+(THIRD LETTER.--C.)
+
+[Illustration: Native Amusements--"A Poor House."]
+
+
+LANDS-CAPE POLITICS.
+
+Haven't time to send you much information this week, as We,--the firm
+of Self and Corresponding Captain,--have had to write rather a heavy
+packet for the Daily Graphic. I suppose you will have got Herr Von
+GERMAN EMPEROR with you by the time you receive this from yours truly;
+or His Imperialness may have quitted your,--that is, our, though
+I'm here now,--hospitable shores. _À propos_ of Hospitable Shores,
+remember me to the most hospitable of all Shores--Captain SHAW--of
+the Fire-and-Water Brigade. My companions--"Jolly companions
+everyone"--the Cautious Captain, or the Wily WILLIAMS, Doubting
+Doctor, Energetic Engineer, all well. Wily WILLIAMS hard at his MS.,
+giving an account of the "agricultural and mineral resources" of
+the What-can-the-Matterbeland, "through the instrumentality of the
+Chartered Company." He's great at this. Think I shall start new
+Company--"The Chartered Libertine." If my memory doesn't fail me,
+that's a Shakspearian title. But who was the "Chartered Libertine"? I
+notice these South-African States are independent of Home Government.
+'Pon my word, I fancy W.E.G. was right about Home Rule. On whose
+shoulders can the G.O.M.'s mantle fall, without enveloping him in
+entire obscurity, except on those of the Leader or the once united,
+but now fractured _quartette_ party, "_quorum pars magna fui_?" I
+still keep up my Latin, you see. I wasn't sent to Eton for nothing;
+nor was any other boy that I've ever heard of.
+
+[Illustration: Caperycornamental Hairdressing.]
+
+CAPERS.
+
+No wonder we've had so many dancing parties at the Cape, when all the
+inhabitants are Capers. I make this a present to my dear old DRUMMY;
+he can bring it out in his new Persian _Joe Miller_. Cheeky little
+street-boys give you Capers' sauce. They can lead you a pretty dance
+if you chivy them.
+
+AMUSEMENTS OF THE BOERS.
+
+To-day came across a Peep-Boer-Show. Seen it all before. Also a kind
+of Punch-and-Judy performance going on, translated into South-African
+dialect. There was not a paying public to witness it; and, with all
+my desire and with every intention to encourage native talent, I was
+compelled to turn away, "more in sorrow than in anger," (SHAKSPEARE
+again--_Hamlet's Ghost_, I think,) when the pipe-and-drummer man came
+to me for a contribution. Not a penny in my pocket. "I will reimburse
+thee nobly," said I, "on my return from the Mine-land." He quoted some
+line or other, which I did not catch, and gave the name of the writer,
+one "WALKER," as his authority. WALKER is associated in my mind with
+an English Dictionary, but, though it has been much added to in recent
+years, I doubt whether the words the Showman used on this occasion
+can be found in my pocket edition, or in any other edition of that
+excellent and trustworthy compilation.
+
+[Illustration: Native Masher from Masherland.]
+
+CHANGE OF HAIR.
+
+Called at native barber's to-day. Gave him no instructions. Thought
+of course he was going to cut it; and so fell asleep. I almost
+always fall asleep when under the mesmeric influence of a capillary
+administrator. I should like him to keep on doing it; cut and comb
+again. So soothing! Woke up and found myself--like this. (_See Hair
+Cut._) Herewith please receive portrait, and treasure it.
+
+ARMA VIRUMQUE.
+
+Must send you a sketch of some of our B.B.B.'s or the Bold Bobbies of
+Basuto all armed. Ha! ha! as dear old WOLFFY would have said, "I was
+quite _all-armed_ at seeing this!" Hope to be on the track of TOM
+TIDDLER's ground very soon. But anyhow till I am _sur la tache_, "on
+the spot," any one of these letters of mine (emphasis on the "mine")
+of which all are genuine--"proofs before letters" you have in my
+signed promise--is well worth a hundred pounds, and cheap at the
+price. It's my note of hand in exchange for the cash,--for the "ready
+ay ready!" as we say at sea. Away to the fields of gold!
+
+PROSPECTING POSSIBILITIES.
+
+N.B.--Rather think I am going to call on Queen ZAMBILI this afternoon.
+Ahem! Do you remember the ballads of "_My heart is true to Poll_,"
+and "_The King of the Owyhees_"? Again, ahem! "Black Queen to mate in
+three moves." Of course, can't go in for this sort of thing myself,
+but by deputy, eh? Representative Government and King PROXY THE FIRST,
+with myself for Prime Minister. How's that Empire?
+
+[Illustration: "Grandolph, the Explorer."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR OWN BEN TROVATO.--Said an artistic collector to Mr. PARNELL,
+"Now I'll show you a beautiful specimen of CARLO DOLCI." "I wish you
+could have shown it me some days ago," replied the Ex-misleader of the
+Irish Party, "when I was presented with a specimen of _Carlow_ without
+the _Dolci_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COOK'S TOURIST PRIZE JUBILEE JOKE.--_Mem. for Travellers contemplating
+a first visit to the Continent_.--Being raw to the business, get
+Cook'd. Depend upon it, you won't be "done."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE HUNDRED BEST BOOKS."--_Punch's_ Half-Yearly Volumes from the
+commencement, i.e., July 17, 1841, to June 27, 1891.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
+
+_Fair Visitor_ (_to Hostess_). "WHAT A DELIGHTFUL CONCERT YOU GAVE
+US LAST WEDNESDAY, DEAR MRS. JONES! SUCH LOVELY MUSIC!--SUCH SMART
+PEOPLE! EVERYBODY ONE KNOWS, YOU KNOW!"
+
+[_Mrs. Jones's Aunt Tabitha (from whom she has great expectations)
+hears of this delightful Concert for the first time!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"
+
+(_A LONG WAY AFTER "CHILDE HAROLD_.")
+
+  Adieu, adieu. Old Albion's shore!
+    I leave, to bound the blue.
+  My Yacht lies yonder! 'Tis a bore,
+    But I _must_ part from you.
+  I sniff the brine, I love the sea;
+    Half Englishman am I.
+  Farewell to England, and to thee,
+    Dear Grandmamma--good-bye!
+
+  I leave your isle, the truth to tell,
+    With qualified regret.
+  July in London would be well,
+    But for the heavy wet.
+  The soaking shower, the sudden squall,
+    Spare not Imperial "tiles."
+  May it be dry when next I call,
+    Your slushiest of isles!
+
+  Yet I've enjoyed my visit, much,
+    In spite of wet and wind.
+  I with JOHN BULL have been in touch;
+    _You_ have been passing kind.
+  My father and grandfather gone
+    Once trod your city sad;
+  Now I the daring deed have done,
+    And--it is not half bad.
+
+  That Opera Show was quite a sight;
+    Your Sheriff HARRIS--well--
+  AUGUSTUS, after Actium's fight,
+    Was scarce a greater swell.
+  The long parade, led by the Blues,
+    Gave _me_ the blues again.
+  Not that the citizen were screws,
+    No, Grand'ma, 'twas that rain!
+
+  I--ahem! _blessed_ it fervently,
+    Emperors must not complain;
+  But do, _do_ keep your Babylon dry,
+    When I come back again.
+  For Garden Parties, Shows, Reviews,
+    And civic functions pale,
+  When water soaks the stoutest shoes,
+    And it blows half a gale.
+
+  Your Lord MAYOR and his liveried lot,
+    _They_ know a thing or two.
+  Speeches of course are always rot,
+    But then--the skies were blue!
+  As for your Crystal Palace--ah!
+    Your pride I would not shock,
+  But you owe much, dear Grandmamma,
+    To PAXTON and to BROCK.
+
+  Your warriors are fine, if few;
+    But still, if you ask _me_,
+  You leave far too much power to
+    A Railway Company.
+  I would not let civilians snub
+    My paladins--no fear!
+  But then a Teuton--there's the rub!
+    Is no mere Volunteer!
+
+  And now I really must be gone
+    Upon the wide, wide sea.
+  Stiff state no more shall make me groan,
+    Hurrah for liberty!
+  I'm tired to death of functions fine,
+    And ceremonial rot;
+  Hurrah for ease! the breezy brine
+    Tar-toggery, and my Yacht!
+
+  With yonder bark I'll gladly brave
+    The seas about your isle.
+  Thanks, Grand'ma, for that kerchief wave,
+    And that right royal smile!
+  Welcome, ye billows, tumbling brisk
+    Beneath a cloud-swept sky!
+  Give your white kerchief one more whisk,
+    Dear Grandmamma--Good-bye!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCOTT (ANYTHING BUT) FREE.
+
+    ["It is human nature, after all. When conscientiously I cannot
+    praise actors or actresses, or authors, they turn their backs
+    upon me. But when conscientiously I am able to draw attention
+    to their great merits, they simply overflow."--Mr. CLEMENT
+    SCOTT, in _The Illustrated London News_.]
+
+  Unlucky Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT!
+    Since those who act our plays or write them,
+  Are so exacting that he's got
+    The greatest trouble to delight them.
+  When conscience tells him not to praise
+    They "turn their backs" and will not know him,
+  When their "great merits" make him raise
+    His voice--they "simply overflow" him!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE FOR AN IMPERIAL DIARY.--There were just a couple or so of real
+good wet days for our Imperial and Royal Highnesses. Jupiter Pluvius
+ladled it out to us unstintingly in Imperial buckets full. Our Cousin
+German, so affectionately dutiful to "Grandmamma," won't forget _La
+Rain d'Angleterre_ in a hurry. _Mem._ Next visit to London, bring
+fewer uniforms and more waterproofs and umbrellas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL AND OPERATIC.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+After considerable calculation as to re-imbursement for present outlay
+by a consistent course of future economy, I took a six-guinea stall
+for the EMPEROR's state visit to the Opera. "Court dress" being
+"indispensable," I decided to summon to my aid the well-known amateur
+theatrical costumier, DATHAN & Co. DATHAN sees at a glance what I
+want. He measures me with his eye. "Co." in waiting is dispatched to
+bring down two or three Court suits. In less than ten minutes I am
+perfectly fitted, that is, in DATHAN's not entirely disinterested but
+still highly artistic opinion, with which "Co." unhesitatingly agrees.
+For my own part, as a mere lay-figure, I should have preferred the
+continuations being a trifle less tight round the knee; also if the
+coat were a little easier about the shoulders, and not quite so baggy
+in the back I should breathe more freely; and, while we are on the
+subject, the collar might be lower, as it is in close proximity
+to the lobes of my ears and irritatingly tickles me. The white
+waistcoat--"well," as "Co.," in the absence of DATHAN, rapturously
+observes, "might ha' been made for yer!" "It might," true: but it
+certainly wasn't, as it is somewhat long, and there's a little shyness
+on the part of the last button but one in meeting the button-hole with
+which it ought to be on the best possible terms. But sharp-eyed little
+"Co." sees his way out of the difficulty; he hoists up the collar,
+he adjusts pins in the back, and, in a second, button and hole are
+in each other's embrace. The coat-collar can be taken in and done
+for--"nothing easier," says the undaunted Co.--and the part across my
+manly chest can be let out,--of course not a difficulty, as the whole
+suit, will be "let out" for the evening.
+
+I am generally satisfied with my appearance in the glass as a portrait
+of a gentleman in repose, but I feel that any display of emotion, even
+of irrepressible loyalty, would probably be disastrous to some portion
+of my attire. The Court sword, too, is rather embarrassing, and,
+though Co. has adroitly fixed it for me by some mysterious process
+of invisible arrangement, yet, when I shall be left alone with the
+sheathed weapon, and have to do all this buckling and hitching for
+myself, I feel sure that that sword, which is only worn on the left to
+defend the right, will give me no inconsiderable trouble. Fortunately
+our washerwoman's husband, who comes late on a Wednesday for the
+linen, is a retired sergeant, and knows how this sort of thing should
+be done. He will assist in arming me for the operatic fray. _Tout va
+bien._
+
+_At Opera, Wednesday Night, July 8_.--Grand sight. Very grand;
+not only that, but beautiful. Costumes, uniforms, military,
+diplomatic,--all sorts, the real article and the Dathanic,--impossible
+to tell one from the other, taking them as a lot; but still, I feel
+that it is better to remain in my Stall, where only the upper part
+of me is visible to the unclothed eye. The consciousness that I am
+here, not as myself, but in disguise as somebody else, name unknown,
+rather oppresses me; only at first, however, as very soon I recognise
+a number of familiar faces and figures all in strange array. A
+stockbroker or two, a few journalists, several ordinary people
+belonging to various callings and professions, some others noble, some
+gentle, some simple, but most of us eyeing each other furtively, and
+wondering where the deuce the other fellow got his costume from, and
+what right he has to wear it.
+
+Every moment I expect some gaily attired person to come up and say to
+me confidentially, "I know that suit; I wore it last so-and-so. Isn't
+it a trifle tight about the shoulders? Beware! when I wore it, it
+went a bit in the back." Man in gorgeous uniform makes his way to
+the vacant Stall next to me. I am a bit flustered until he salutes me
+heartily with--"How d'ye do? How are you?" Why, it's--well, no matter
+who it is. I have met him everywhere for years; we are the best of
+friends. I knew he is something; somewhere in the City, but not much
+anywhere else, and at all events he is no more a military man than I
+am a courtier, but when he confides to me that he was once upon a time
+in the Dampshire Yeomanry, and that this uniform has served him for
+years, and looks uncommonly well at night though it wouldn't bear the
+light of day, I begin to comprehend the entire scene.
+
+My friend--we will call him TOMMY TUCKER, (for I have frequently
+encountered him at supper, and am aware of his capacity)--is full of
+information. Some of our neighbours of an inquiring turn are asking
+one another who _that_ is, and who _this_ is, and so forth; and when
+the answers are incorrect, or even before the answers can be given,
+TOMMY TUCKER has replied in a low voice, with a view to imparting
+general information gratis, that So-and-So, in scarlet and silver, is
+Mr. BLACKSTONE, of BLACKSTONE & SONS, head of the great Coal Merchant
+Firm; that the man in blue and silver, supposed to be a Hungarian
+_attaché_, is the junior partner in BUNNUMS & Co., the Big Cake
+Purveyor; and that the warlike person, with a jingling sabre, is not
+a Prussian officer, but is Deputy JONES, in the gorgeous uniform of
+the Old Buckshire Yeomanry; and when he's in the City, where he began
+in the usual way that millionnaires always do begin, by sweeping out
+an office, he is simply JONES, of Messrs. BROWN, JONES, ROBINSON
+& Co., Wharfingers. TOMMY TUCKER knows everybody, and everything
+about everybody, too. Who is that lady with a splendid tiara of
+diamonds?--that is the Duchess of BURLINGTON, "who"--and here, in a
+semi-whisper, intended for everybody's information, he tells how those
+brilliants come out for "one night only," and how they will be called
+for to-morrow morning by a confidential agent from POPSHOPPER's
+Establishment in the Great Loan Land. TOM TUCKER is full of these
+stories. There isn't a person he doesn't know, until happening to
+recognise here a one and there a one, I correct him of my own private
+and personal knowledge, when he frankly admits that I am right;
+and after casually explaining how he does occasionally mistake the
+Countess of DUNNOYER for Lady ELIZABETH MARTIN, he goes off at a
+tangent, and picks out several other distinguished-looking personages,
+numbering them as "first to right," "second to left," and so forth, as
+if in a collection of wax-works, giving to each one of them a name and
+a history. His acquaintance with the private life of the aristocracy
+and the plutocracy is so extensive that I can only wonder at his
+knowledge, his or marvel at wondrous powers of ready invention.
+
+[Illustration: Birds can sing, but wouldn't sing, and couldn't be made
+to sing, at Covent Garden, Wednesday, July 8.]
+
+So it goes on. Then enter the chief characters. All rise; the
+orchestra plays the "_National Anthem_," in German, suppose, out
+of compliment to our Imperial visitors; and afterwards in English
+(translated, and, I fancy, "transposed"), in honour of H.R.H. the
+Prince and Princess. All the wax-work figures form in a row, under the
+direction of Lord Chamberlain LATHOM; the machinery is put in motion;
+they all bow to the audience; glasses are riveted on them; everybody
+is craning and straining to get a good view; the people in the gallery
+and just over the Royal Box loyally enjoy the scene, being quite
+unable to see any of the distinguished persons who are, in this
+instance, "quite beneath their notice." And then Signor MANCINELLI
+turns his back on everybody, and gets to business.
+
+After this, I feel that a buckle, somewhere or other, has turned
+traitor, and inventing an excuse with a readiness worthy of TOMMY
+TUCKER himself, I suddenly, but cautiously, retire. I descend the
+grand staircase between two rows of beefeaters reclining drowsily at
+their ease. Fast asleep, some of 'em, after too much beef. Imagine
+myself a prisoner, in disguise of course, escaping from the Tower
+in the olden time. Then, fearing the collapse of another buckle
+or button, or the sudden "giving" of a seam, I steal cautiously
+past the Guards--then past serried ranks of soldiers under the
+colonnade--then--once more in the street of Bow, and I am free! I
+breathe again.
+
+Hie thee home, my gallant steed (an eighteenpenny fare in a hansom),
+and let me resume the costume of private life, trifle with a cutlet,
+drain the goblet and smoke the mild havannah. _Sic transit gloria_
+Wednesday!
+
+(_Signed._) (Mysteriously.) THE DUKE OF DIS GUISE.
+
+P.S.--Although there was more money in the house than on any previous
+occasion, yet never did I see so many persons who had "come in with
+orders," which they displayed lavishly, wearing them upon their manly
+buzzums.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN IN POSSESSION.
+
+The Manager of Covent Garden is Sheriff HARRIS. Can all his operatic
+officials all over the house be correctly termed "Sheriff's Officers"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GERMAN EMPEROR'S VISIT.
+
+SKETCHES ON THE SPOT.--BY OUR OWN _GAILY CHAFFIC_ ARTIST.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL IMPRESSIONS.
+
+That they are not accustomed to ultra punctuality in the arrival of
+steam-yachts at Port Victoria.
+
+That some one ought to catch it for not looking after the water-pipes
+in the State dining-room.
+
+That it is rather trying to have to remain dignified with your boots
+in three inches of water.
+
+That the Eton Volunteers are just the sort of boys to follow the
+tradition of the past, and win a second Waterloo.
+
+That still it was a little awkward to have to review them in the
+pauses of a thunderstorm.
+
+That the wedding as a wedding was not bad, but a couple of hundred
+thousand troops or so posted as a guard of honour, would have made it
+more impressive.
+
+That Buckingham Palace is rather _triste_, when it is populated on the
+scale of one inhabitant to the square mile.
+
+That Covent Garden Opera House, decorated with leagues of flower
+wreaths, is the finest sight in the world.
+
+That Sheriff AUGUSTUS GLOSSOP HARRIS deserves a dukedom, and, if he
+were a German, should have it.
+
+That one State Ball is like every other, but still it was very well
+done on Friday.
+
+That the visit to the City was an entire success (although I wish the
+audience had made up their minds whether they would stand up or
+sit while I was speaking), thanks no doubt to the influence of the
+Sheriff.
+
+That Saturday's doings were delightful. I was absolutely deafened with
+the cheering.
+
+That it is very pleasant to be so well received, especially when,
+three years ago, I was generally snubbed and treated as a nobody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BUSY BISLEY.
+
+    SCENE--_Within measurable distance of Waking. Enter Lounger
+    and Marksman, R. and L.
+
+_Lounger_ (_heartily_). Why, I _am_ glad to see you! And how are
+things going on?
+
+_Marksman_ (_cordially, but abruptly_). Capitally! Good-bye!
+
+_Loung._ But I say, what a hurry you are in! Can't you stop a minute
+for a chat?
+
+_Marks._ Another time, but just now moments are precious.
+
+_Loung._ But I say, you see I have found myself here--it doesn't take
+much longer than getting down to Wimbledon.
+
+_Marks._ Of course it doesn't--whoever said it did? But there, old
+chap, I _must_ be off!
+
+_Loung._ You _are_ in a hurry! Ah, we used to have pleasant days in
+the old place?
+
+_Marks._ Did we? I daresay we did.
+
+_Loung._ Why, of course! Grand old days! Don't you remember what fun
+it used to be decorating your tent; and then, when the ladies came
+down--which they did nearly all the day long--what larks it was
+getting them tea and claret-cup?
+
+_Marks._ Very likely. But we don't have many ladies now, and a good
+job too--they _are_ a bore.
+
+_Loung._ Well, you _are_ a chap! Why, how can there be any fun without
+your sisters, and your cousins, and your maiden aunts?
+
+_Marks._ We don't want fun. But there, good-bye!
+
+_Loung._ But I say, I have come all this way to look you up.
+
+_Marks._ (_unbending_). Very kind of you, but, my dear fellow, you
+have chosen rather an unfortunate time.
+
+_Loung._ Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing to do!
+
+_Marks._ Very likely. But then Bisley isn't Wimbledon.
+
+_Loung._ (_dryly_). So it seems. Everyone said that, when they moved
+the camp further away from home, they would ruin the meeting.
+
+_Marks._ Then everyone was wrong. Why, we are going on swimmingly.
+
+_Loung._ It must be beastly dull.
+
+_Marks._ Not at all. Lovely country, good range, and, after it rains,
+two minutes later it is dry as bone.
+
+_Loung._ Yes, but it stands to reason that it _can't_ be as popular as
+Wimbledon.
+
+_Marks._ My dear fellow, figures are the best test of that. In all the
+history of the Association we have never had more entries than this
+year.
+
+_Loung._ That may be, but you don't have half the fun you had nearer
+town.
+
+_Marks._ (_laughing_). Don't want to! Business, my dear fellow, not
+pleasure! And now, old man, I really _must_ be off! Ta, ta! See you
+later. [_Exit._
+
+_Loung._ Well, whatever he may say, I prefer Wimbledon. And as there
+doesn't seem much for _me_ to do down here, I shall return to town.
+[_Does so. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Second Baron.]
+
+_House of Commons. Monday, July 6_.--Don't know what the House of
+Lords would do without WEMYSS. How the House of Commons gets along
+without ELCHO is another story. Of course we are not absolutely
+ELCHO-less. Amurath has succeeded to Amurath, and there is still
+an ELCHO in the Commons. Perhaps in time he may reach the towering
+height of his illustrious father. He does very well as it is; made
+exceedingly smart speech the other afternoon on adjournment over Derby
+Day. We try to bear up; make the best of things; but in our secret
+hearts confess that this century has seen but one Lord ELCHO, and now
+he's Earl of WEMYSS.
+
+Was in fine old style to-night. DORCHESTER brought on question of
+Volunteers. They are going to Wimbledon on Saturday to be reviewed
+by that veteran the German EMPEROR. DORCHESTER, in modest, convincing
+speech, pointed out how unfair it was that, in addition to, in many
+cases, losing a day's pay, in all cases incurring a day's hard work,
+that Volunteers should be required to pay expenses of their trip to
+Wimbledon. DORCHESTER left nothing unsaid; put the whole case in
+brief speech. But WEMYSS not going to be left out. Interposed in
+fine patronising manner; made acknowledgment of DORCHESTER's good
+intention; but, suggesting an absolutely imaginary case, took
+exception to the presentation of the Volunteers in the light of asking
+for a day's pay. That, he said, would spoil the whole case.
+
+No one had suggested anything of the kind. WEMYSS had brought this
+nine-pin in with him as if it were one of a set of baccarat counters,
+had set it up, and was now knocking it down. Noble Lords sat and
+stared in polite amazement. CRANBROOK, in his impetuous way, jumped
+up and raised point of order. WEMYSS put him aside with sweep of
+sword-arm, and went on to end of his speech, which showed who was the
+true friend of the Volunteer forces.
+
+"Ah," said young LAMINGTON, second Baron, regarding with pleased
+interest the flush of satisfaction that mantled WEMYSS' brow when
+he resumed his seat, "this House would have been nothing only for us
+fellows coming in from the Commons. It's new blood that does it. I'll
+make them a speech myself some day."
+
+_Business done_.--Quite a lot in the Commons.
+
+_Tuesday_.--FERGUSSON says life at Foreign Office would be endurable
+only for LABBY. The Sage has got the Triple Alliance on the brain;
+spends his mornings in drafting questions there anent. That FERGUSSON
+wouldn't mind so much, only it involves his spending _his_ afternoons
+in drafting answers that shall look coherent, and yet say nothing.
+Answers often so admirably suited to their purpose, that doubts arise
+as to whether a firmer hand than FERGUSSON's has not traced them on
+paper. "A dull man," was the phrase in which, years ago, JOHN BRIGHT
+dismissed from consideration the statesman then known as Sir CHARLES
+ADDERLY. To House of Commons FERGUSSON is a dull man, incapable, as it
+seems, of framing these subtle answers that look as if they meant so
+much, and yet say so little.
+
+[Illustration: Sage of Queen Anne's Gate.]
+
+Whoever be the author, it must be said that FERGUSSON contributes
+to success of answers by his manner of reading them. So portentous
+is his gravity, so like a stone wall his imperturbability, that the
+Sage dashes himself up against it with much the same effect as if he
+were attacking one of the buttresses of Westminster Hall. It is a
+fortuitous concatenation of circumstances, most happy in its result,
+that when in the House of Commons an answer is to be given which shall
+convey no information, the MARKISS should dictate it, and FERGUSSON
+recite it. If, in reply to the Sage's question to-night, as to the
+understanding between this country and Italy with respect to the
+_status quo_ in Mediterranean, FERGUSSON had stood up and recited the
+multiplication table up to twelve times twelve, the remarks would have
+been just as relevant and informing as those he read from the paper.
+Moreover, the gravity of his aspect and the solemn inflection of
+his voice, would have compelled Members to listen to the end of the
+recitation with a sort of dim consciousness that they were really
+being informed as to the details of an understanding come to between
+Her majesty's Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and the
+Governments of Germany and Italy.
+
+_Business done._--Education Bill through Report Stage.
+
+_Thursday._--House having disposed of Land Purchase Bill and Education
+Bill, is able to devote portion of sitting to consideration of its own
+personal affairs. MORTON brings on subject of Bar in Lobby of House of
+Commons. Nothing to do with the Bar that LOCKWOOD, ASQUITH, and REID
+adorn; merely a counter, at which they sell what JEMMY LOWTHER alludes
+to, with a bewitching air of distant acquaintance, as "alcoholic
+liquors." MORTON, whose great ambition in life is to make people
+thoroughly comfortable, wants to close the Bar. SYDNEY HERBERT, making
+a rare appearance as spokesman for the Government on the Treasury
+Bench, pleads as a set-off against alleged evil example, the large
+consumption of "lemon squash," which he explains to the House is
+"a non-intoxicant." CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN sends thrill of apprehension
+through listening Senate by inquiring whether the House of Commons is
+licensed for the sale of intoxicating liquors?
+
+No one every thought of that before. As far an anyone knows, place
+isn't licensed; consequently, in very birthplace of legislation, the
+law has for years been systematically defied. Worse this than what
+happened at Temple the other day, when LORD CHANCELLOR and a score
+of principal Members of Bar of England narrowly escaped indictment
+for playing a drama in an unlicensed hall. Vision conjured up the
+police making sudden descent on the House, walking off with SPEAKER,
+SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and possibly OLD MORALITY, to nearest station, there
+to be locked up till released on bail.
+
+[Illustration: Jemmy, J.P.]
+
+JEMMY LOWTHER much struck by suggestion. His innate magisterial
+instincts on the alert. We all know and like JEMMY, but few of us have
+opportunity of seeing him at his very best. That happens when he sits
+on the Magisterial Bench and dispenses justice. It is as JEMMY, J.P.,
+he rises to the fullest height of his judicial manner. Still, pretty
+well just now. A little embarrassed at the outset by consciousness
+that his postal address at Leeds is "Swillington House." Afraid some
+ribald person will remember this, and vulgarly connect it with the
+discussion. Delightful to observe the way in which he reproved GEORGE
+CAMPBELL for language unbecoming the precincts of the Court. CAMPBELL
+had lightly spoken about "Members requiring a pick-me-up." "Persons
+enjoying the privilege of obtaining alcoholic liquors," was the way
+JEMMY put it, with a severe glance towards the abashed Knight of
+Kircaldy.
+
+_Business done._--Committee of Supply.
+
+_Friday._--Turns out to-night that MORTON doesn't approve the Triple
+Alliance. This would be awkward, in any circumstances. Peculiarly
+embarrassing just now with one of the principal signatories our guest.
+Emperor WILLIAM, was most anxious to come down to House; meant to
+see everything whilst he was here, not knowing what may happen before
+another opportunity presents itself.
+
+"Always read your Diary, TOBY," he said to me, over a strawberry and
+cream at Marlborough House yesterday; "gather from it the impression
+that House of Commons is exceedingly interesting place; all its
+Members eloquent, and all its Ministers virtuous. Must go and see it.
+Look in on Friday."
+
+Here's a go! Known beforehand that MORTON meant to state his views on
+the MARKISS's foreign policy, with its evident leaning toward Germany.
+Very awkward if EMPEROR came in just while MORTON was speaking.
+
+"It would play the doose with the _ententy cordially_," said JULIUS
+'ANNIBAL PICTON, who resents MORTON's interference in the field of
+foreign policy.
+
+Happily Emperor WILLIAM didn't get as far as Westminster; detained
+at Guildhall; just got off in time to dine with the Great DOOK, and
+afterwards to the ball at Buckingham Palace. So peace between to
+great nations is maintained. But MORTON ran us pretty close. _Business
+done._--Committee of Supply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEN AND NOW.
+
+MR. PUNCH'S JUBILEE RETROSPECT.
+
+    ["_Punch_ and the Elections were the only matters which
+    occupied the public mind on July 17, 1841."--_Introduction to
+    "Punch," Vol. I._]
+
+  Fifty years ago, my Public, fifty years ago!
+  Faith, the years fleet swiftly onward, though sad hours seem slow.
+  Forty-One beheld my advent, Friend of Truth and Fun;
+  From my _sanctum_ still I greet you now in Ninety-One.
+
+  "_Punch_ and the Elections!" Truly a compendious text.
+  With how many Burning Questions men to-day are vext!
+  Then the Whigs perceived their tether pretty nearly run,
+  And--they're watching Bye-Elections now in Ninety-One.
+
+  Then Lord JOHN was on the Treasury Bench, though ill at ease,
+  Thence to be soon torn--like Theseus;--PEEL, the Hercules.
+  Now SMITH smiles a toothy smile in little JOHNNY's place,
+  White the Grand Old Hercules sits watching grave of face.
+
+  _He_ remembers Forty-One! Few, except _Punch_ and him,
+  Linger from those brave old days, now distant grown and dim!
+  He has reached his Jubilee, as _Punch_ this year hath done.
+  Veterans both, we drink each other's health in Ninety-One!
+
+  Forty-One was fierce and fiery. Young DISRAELI then
+  Bravely buttered stout Sir ROBERT as the best of men.
+  Pheugh! But in how short a time was BEN's envenomed steel
+  Destined to find rankling lodgment in the breast of PEEL!
+
+  Now? Well, there is jaunty JOSEPH poisoning his pint;
+  Seeking in GRANDOLMAN's mail some penetrable joint!
+  Heroes and ex-armour-bearers still keep up the fun;
+  One-and-Forty saw it so, and so does Ninety-One!
+
+  Mr. SHARMAN CRAWFORD (who was _he_? Let quidnuncs guess!)
+  Moved Amendment relative to "Popular Distress."
+  _Then_ his cure was Wider Suffrage. _Now_ what would it be?
+  Land with little or no Rent, and Education Free?
+
+  Then the Corn Laws cramped Free Trade; free Competition now
+  Breeds the Sweater, harsh exploiter of the toiler's brow,
+  When brave PEEL achieved Repeal some deemed the task was done,
+  But Commissions upon Labour sit in Ninety-One.
+
+  SIBTHORP then amused St. Stephen's; we have SEYMOUR KEAY,
+  D'ORSAY then was wit and dandy, OSCAR WILDE have we.
+  And if wild FEARGUS O'CONNOR fashioned Land Schemes then,
+  BURNS and MORRIS well can match him now with tongue or pen.
+
+  Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song[1] which moved a world to tears,
+  London Laundrydom on Strike now in Hyde park appears.
+  Ah! since Eighteen Forty-One much has been tried--and _done_,
+  But _Punch_ finds no lack of labour e'en in Ninety-One!
+
+  The HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the Throne,
+  Now her Royal Jubilee is full four years bygone.
+  He who has illumed her reign with wisdom, wit, and fun,
+  Greets her loyally to-day as then, in Forty-One.
+
+  Madam, much since then has happened, much has been achieved;
+  Marvels, commonplace to-day, few then would have believed.
+  Science, Liberty, Pure Manners, order, Peace, Goodwill,
+  _Punch_ for Fifty Years has championed, and will champion still.
+
+  Then and now! The captious cynic at the contrast sneers,
+  _Punch_ believes in, and would help, the Progress of the Years.
+  When his Century's full course, fifty Years hence, has run,
+  With good heart and glad may he look back on Ninety-One!
+
+[Footnote 1: "_The Song of the Shirt_," which appeared on page 260
+of Vol. V., 1843, in a supplementary number entitled, "_Punch's_
+Triumphal Procession."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+INFLUENZA.--I should feel really grateful to any reader who can tell
+me whether I have Influenza or not. I think I must have it, as I have
+tested my temperature with a thermometer attached to a weather-glass
+hanging in the hall, which is only slightly cracked, and find that
+it--my temperature, not the weather-glass--stays constantly at 120
+degrees, which seems rather high. My headaches are _frightful_, and
+the pills with forty grains of quinine in them, which I have been
+recommended to take by a neighbouring chemist's assistant, do not
+seem to do any good. Cough and chemist's bill both very heavy. Ought
+I have to have a change? If so, whom should I try and take it out
+of?--NERVOUS SUBJECT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, July 18, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13446 ***