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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+June 20, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+ON THE RIVER.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  A light canoe, a box of cigarettes,
+          Sunshine and shade;
+  A conscience free from love or money debts
+          To man or maid;
+
+  A book of verses, tender, quaint, or gay,
+          DOBSON or LANG;
+  Trim yew-girt gardens, echoing the day
+          When HERRICK sang;
+
+  A Thames-side Inn, a salad, and some fruit,
+          Beaune or Hochheimer;--
+  Are simple joys, but admirably suit
+          An idle rhymer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A 'BUS 'OSS'S MEMS.
+
+(_KEPT DURING A RECENT SOCIAL CRISIS._)
+
+_Saturday, June 6_, 11 P.M.--Home after our last turn. Fancy from
+several drinks had on the way, and the pace we had to put into that
+last mile and a half, that something's up. Turned into stall nice and
+comfortable, as usual.
+
+_Sunday_.--Something is up with a vengeance. Hoorooh! We're on strike.
+I don't know the rights of it, nor don't care, as long as I have my
+bit of straw to roll in, and a good feed twice a day. I wonder, by
+the way, if the fellow who looks after my oats is "off." Past feeding
+time. Feel uneasy about it. Hang it all, I would rather work for _my_
+living, than be tied up here doing nothing without a feed! Ha! here he
+is, thank goodness, at last. However, better late than never. Capital
+fun this strike.
+
+_Monday_.--Am sent out in a loyal omnibus. Hooted at and frightened
+with brickbats. Felt half inclined to shy. Halloa! what's this? Hit on
+the ribs with a paving-stone. Come, I won't stand this. Kick and back
+the 'bus on to the pavement. All the windows smashed by Company's men.
+Passengers get out. Somebody cuts the traces, and I allow myself to be
+led back to the stables. Don't care about this sort of fun. However,
+feed all right.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Hear that the men want thirteen and sixpence a day and
+a seven hours' turn. Directors offer five and sixpence, and make the
+minimum seventeen hours. Go it, my hearties! Fight away! Who cares?
+You must feed _me_, that's quite certain. Still I don't care about
+being cooped up here all day. Nasty feeling of puffiness about the
+knees. Hang the strike!
+
+_Wednesday_.--Puffiness worse. Vet. looks in and says I want exercise.
+Take a bolus and am walked for half an hour or so up and down some
+back-streets. Bless them!--that ain't no good.
+
+_Thursday_.--Puffiness worse, of course. Bother it all, being shut up
+here! What wouldn't I give just for a sight of dear old Piccadilly!
+The fact is, if they don't soon let me have my run from King's Cross
+to Putney, I shall "bust up"--and that's a fact. I feel it.
+
+_Friday_.--Ah, they may well come to terms! Another day of this, and I
+believe I should have been off the hooks "for ever and for aye." It's
+all very well for Capital and Labour to get at loggerheads, but, as
+DUCROW said, they must cut all their disputes short if they wish to
+save anything of their business, and look sharp, and "come to the
+'osses."
+
+_Saturday, 13th_.--Strike over! We shall have to be in harness again
+on Monday, and not a day too soon, in the interests of the men, the
+Directors, the Public; and, last, but by no means least, specially
+that of "the 'osses."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORIAM.
+
+"OLD TO-MORROW."
+
+THE RIGHT HON. SIR JOHN ALEXANDER MACDONALD, LATE PREMIER OF CANADA.
+
+  Punch sympathises with Canadian sorrow
+  For him known lovingly as "OLD TOMORROW."
+  Hail to "the Chieftain!" He lies mute to-day,
+  But Fame still speaks for him, and shall for aye.
+  "To-morrow--and to-morrow!" SHAKSPEARE sighs.
+  So runs the round of time! Man lives and dies.
+  But death comes not with mere surcease of breath
+  To such as him. "The road to dusty death"
+  Not "all his yesterdays." have lighted. Nay!
+  Canada's "OLD TO-MORROW" lives to-day
+  In unforgetting hearts, and nothing fears
+  The long to-morrow of the coming years.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_Billsbury, Wednesday, May 28th_.--Great doings here to-day. For
+weeks past all the Conservative Ladies of Billsbury have been hard at
+work, knitting, sewing, painting, embroidering, patching, quilting,
+crocheting, and Heaven knows what besides, for the Bazaar in aid of
+the Conservative Young Men's Club and Coffee-Room Sustentation Fund.
+You couldn't call at any house in Billsbury without being nearly
+smothered in heaps of fancy-work of every kind. When I was at the
+PENFOLDS' on Monday afternoon, the drawing-room was simply littered
+with bonnets and hats, none of them much larger than a crown piece,
+which Miss PENFOLD had been constructing. She tried several of them
+on, in order to get my opinion as to their merits. She looked very
+pretty in one of them, a cunning arrangement of forget-me-nots and
+tiny scraps of pink ribbon. Mother promised some time ago to open the
+Bazaar, though she assured me she had never done such a thing before,
+and added that I must be sure to see that the doors moved easily, as
+new doors were so apt to stick, and she didn't know what she should
+do if she had to struggle over the opening. I comforted her by telling
+her she would only have to say a few brief words on a platform,
+declaring the Bazaar open. For the last week I have had a letter from
+her by absolutely every post, sending draft speeches for my approval.
+After much consideration I selected one of these, which I returned to
+her. I heard from home that she was very busily occupied for some time
+in learning it by heart. When cook came for orders in the morning, she
+was forced to listen while Mother said over the speech to her. Cook
+was good enough to express a high opinion of its beauties.
+
+Yesterday evening Mother arrived, with the usual enormous amount of
+luggage, including the inevitable _Carlo_. After dinner I heard her
+repeat the speech, which went off very well. This is it:--"Ladies
+and Gentlemen, I am so pleased to be here to-day, and to have the
+opportunity of helping the dear Conservative cause in Billsbury. I am
+sure you are all so anxious to buy as many of these lovely things as
+you can, and I therefore lose no time in declaring the Bazaar open."
+Simple, but efficient.
+
+The opening to-day was fixed for 2:30, the Bazaar being held in the
+large room of the Assembly Rooms, which had been arranged to represent
+an Old English Tillage. At one o'clock Colonel and Mrs. CHORKLE,
+Alderman and Mrs. TOLLAND, and one or two others, lunched with us, and
+afterwards we all drove off together in a procession of carriages. I
+insisted on _Carlo_ being left behind, locked up in Mother's bed-room,
+with a dish of bones to comfort him, and an old dress of Mother's to
+lie on. That old dress has been devoted to _Carlo_ for the last two
+years, and no amount of persuasion will induce _Carlo_ to take another
+instead. We tried him with a much better one a short time ago, but
+he was furious, tore it to ribbons and refused his food until his old
+disreputable dress had been restored to him.
+
+The Bazaar proceedings began with a short prayer delivered by the
+Bishop of BRITISH GUIANA, an old Billsbury Grammar-School boy, who
+was appointed to the bishopric a month ago. Everybody is making a
+tremendous fuss about him here of course. As soon as the prayer was
+over, Colonel CHORKLE rose and made what he would call one of his
+"'appiest hefforts." The influence of lovely woman, Conservative
+principles, devotion to the Throne, the interests of the Conservative
+Young Men's Sustentation Fund, all mixed up together like a hasty
+pudding. Then came the moment for Mother. First, however, WILLIAMINA
+HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE had to be removed outside for causing a
+disturbance. Her father's speech so deeply affected this intelligent
+infant, who had come under the protection of her nurse, that she burst
+out into a loud yell and refused to be comforted. The Colonel's face
+was a study--a mixture of drum-head Courts-martial and Gatling guns.
+Mother got through with her little speech all right. As a matter
+of fact she read it straight off a sheet of paper, having finally
+decided that her memory was too treacherous. We both set to work and
+bought an incredible amount of things. After half an hour I found
+myself in possession of six bonnets made by Miss PENFOLD, three
+knitted waistcoats, four hand-painted screens, two tea-tables also
+hand-painted, a lady's work-basket, three fancy shawls, a set of glass
+studs and a double perambulator, which I won in a raffle. Mother got
+three dog-collars, a set of shaving materials (won in a raffle),
+two writing cases, five fans, two pictures by a local artist, four
+paper-knives, two carved cigar-boxes, a set of tea things, and five
+worked table-covers.
+
+When we got back, we found that _Carlo_ had nearly gnawed his way
+through the bed-room door, and was growling horribly at the boots and
+the chambermaid through the keyhole. Charming dog!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIMIAN TALK.
+
+  Professor GARNERS, in the _New Review_
+  Tells us that "Apes can talk." _That's_ nothing new;
+  Reading much "Simian" literary rot,
+  One only wishes that our "Apes" could _not_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; OR, THE NOT-AT-HOME SECRETARY AND THE
+LAUNDRESSES.
+
+[Illustration: "CAN'T SEE YOU NOW, I'M WASHING--MYSELF."
+
+"The Women are crying out for the protection of the Factory Acts,
+which has hitherto been denied them, and which the Home Secretary
+declines to pledge the Government to support."--_Daily Telegraph,
+Friday, June 12th._]
+
+_London Laundry-woman, to her Tub-mate, loquitur_:--
+
+  They tell us the Tub is humanity's friend, and that Cleanliness is of
+      closest kin
+  To all things good. By the newest gospel 'tis held that Dirt is the
+      friend of Sin.
+  Well, I'm not so sure that the world's far wrong in that Worship of
+      Washing that's all the rage;
+  But we, its priestesses, sure might claim a cleanly life and a decent
+      wage!
+
+  Listen, BET, from your comfortless seat on the turned-up pail,--if
+      you've got the time;
+  Isn't it queer that Society's cleansers must pass their lives amidst
+      muck and grime?
+  Spotless flannels no doubt are nice--and snowy linen is "swell" and sweet,
+  But steaming reek is around our heads, and trickling foulness about our
+      feet.
+
+  If the dainty ladies whose linen we lave, we laundress drudges, could
+      look in _here_,
+  Wouldn't their feet shrink back with sickness, and wouldn't their faces
+      go pale with fear?
+  White, well-ironed, all sheen and sweetness, that linen looks when it
+      leaves our hands;
+  But they little think of the sodden squalor that marks the den where
+      the laundress stands.
+
+  Scrub, scrub, scrub, at the reeking tub, for eighteen hours at a
+      stretch, perchance,
+  Till our bowed backs ache, and our knuckles smart, and the lights through
+      the steam like spectres dance;
+  Ankle-deep in the watery sludge, where the tile is loose or the drainage
+      blocked!
+  Oh, I haven't a doubt that the dainty dames--if they only knew!--would be
+      sorely shocked.
+
+  Typhoid! Terribly menacing word, the whisper of which would destroy our
+      trade;
+  But dirt, and damp, and defective drainage will raise that ghost on a
+      world afraid;
+  And at thirty years our strength is sapped by insidious siege of the
+      stifling fume,
+  Or what if we linger a little longer? Scant rays of comfort such life
+      illume.
+
+  Grievances, BET? Well, I make no doubt that the world of idlers is
+      sorely sick
+  Of the moans and groans of the likes of us. When the whip, the needle,
+      the spade, the pick,
+  Are all on strike for a higher wage, 'tis a worry, of course, to the
+      well-to-do,
+  And a sleek Home-Sec, must "decline to pledge" support official to me
+      and you.
+
+  Of course, of course! Who are we, my dear, to bother the big-wigs and
+      stir their bile?
+  Why, it's all along of our "discontent," and the Agitator's insidious
+      guile.
+  But Labour, BET, is agog just now to revise the old one-sided pacts,
+  And even a Laundress may have an eye to the benefit of the Factory Acts.
+
+  Those bad, bad 'Busmen, BET my girl, claim shorter hours, and a longer
+      pay;
+  Just think of such for the Slaves of the Tub! Why should we women not
+      have our say
+  In the Park o' Sunday, like DAN the Docker, or TOM the Tailor, or WILL
+      the "Whip"?
+  The Tub and the Ironing-board appear to have got a chance--which they
+      mustn't let slip:
+
+  An Object Lesson in Laundress Labour, may move the callous and shame
+      the quiz.
+  We dream of "Washing as well it might be"; we'll show them "Washing as
+      now it is."
+  _We_ know it, BET, in the sodden wet and the choking fume; with the
+      aching back,
+  The long, long hours, and the typhoid taint, the inverted pail and the
+      hurried snack.
+
+  There may--who knows?--be hope for us yet, for you and me, BET! Just
+      think o' that!
+  Oh, I know it is hard to believe it, my girl. The Sweater's strong, and
+      appeal falls flat
+  On official ears; and fine-lady fears, and household hurry against us go;
+  But "evil is wrought by want of thought." says some poet, I think;--so
+      we'll let them _know_!
+
+  Ah! snowy sheets and sweet lavender scent of the dear old days in my
+      village home!
+  The breadths of linen a-bleach on the grass! How little I thought that
+      to this I'd come
+  Grand ladies of old to their laundry looked, and the tubs were white,
+      and the presses fair;
+  Now we cleansers clean in the midst of dirt, in a dank, dark den, with
+      a noisome air.
+
+  Sometimes I dream till the clouds of steam take the shadowy form of a
+      spectral thing,
+  A tyrant terror that threatens our lives, whilst we rub and scrub, whilst
+      we rinse and wring.
+  Well, cheer up, BET, girl, stiffen your lip, and straighten your back.
+      You have finished your grub,
+  So to work once more; if our champions score, we _may_ find a new end to
+      this Tale of a Tub!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CURE FOR INFLUENZA.
+
+_Major O'Gourmand_. "SURE, ME DOCTHOR SAID A GLASS OR TWO OF DRY
+CHAMPAGNE'LL DO ME GOOD! BEGORRAH, THE BOTTLE'S DRY ENOUGH BY THIS TIME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRIKING INTELLIGENCE.--A PAGE FROM A LONDONER'S DIARY.
+
+_Sunday_.--Can scarcely believe the news! What, no omnibuses! A
+strike! What _shall_ we do? Fortunately always go to church on foot,
+so no loss in that. Then subsequent parade in the Park--don't require
+an omnibus for that, either. At the end of the day, can say that, take
+one thing with another, state of affairs more comfortable than might
+have been anticipated.
+
+_Monday_.--Dreaded continuance of strike, but found, practically,
+little inconvenience. Had to walk to the office, and enjoyed the
+promenade immensely. Had no idea that a stroll along the Embankment
+was so delightful. After all, one can exist without omnibuses--at
+least, for a time.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Find that people who were at their wits' end at the mere
+suggestion of a strike, are becoming reconciled to the situation.
+Streets certainly pleasanter without the omnibuses. Great, lumbering
+conveyances, filling up the road, and stopping the traffic! London
+looks twice as well without them! Tradesmen, too, say that the shops
+are just as well attended now as when the two great Companies were in
+full swing.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Can't see what the omnibus people (both sides--Directors
+and _employés_) are quarrelling about. No matter of mine, and the
+Public are only too glad for a chance of a good walk. Fifty per cent.
+better since I have been obliged to give up the morning 'bus. Asked
+to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly
+not, the longer the strike lasts the worse for the Public.
+
+_Thursday_.--Really the present state of affairs is delightful. I
+have to thank the deadlock for teaching me to patronise the river
+steamboats. Pleasant journey from Vauxhall to the Temple for a penny!
+No idea that the Thames was so pretty at Westminster. View of the
+Houses of Parliament and the Embankment capital.
+
+_Friday_.--Strike continues. Well I do not complain. Hired a hansom
+and find that considering the cab takes you up to door, it is really
+cheaper in the long run. If you use an omnibus, you get jolted, and
+run a chance of smashing your hat. If it rains you get splashed and
+having to finish your journey on foot, you might just as well have
+walked the whole way.
+
+_Saturday_.--Strike arranged to cease on Monday! This is too much!
+Just as we were getting comfortable, all the disgusting lumbering old
+omnibuses are to come back again! It ought not to be allowed. Asked
+to-day to contribute something in support of the strikers. Certainly,
+the longer the strike lasts the better for the Public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?!!
+
+_First Slender Invalid_. "I SAY, OLD MAN, WHAT A BEASTLY THING THIS
+INFLUENZA IS, EH? I'M JUST GETTING OVER IT."
+
+_His Wasting Friend_. "AH! YOU'RE RIGHT, MY BOY! I'VE HAD IT TOO, AND
+THE WORST OF IT IS, IT _PULLS A FELLOW DOWN_ SO FEARFULLY!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPLANATIONS À LA MODE.
+
+(_A PROPHETIC FORECAST, BY A PROFESSIONAL PESSIMIST._)
+
+1891. The Leader of the House explains, in answer to a question, that
+no understanding exists between England and any Foreign country. No
+treaty is in contemplation, and never has been suggested on either
+side.
+
+1892. The Government repeats that England is absolutely free from any
+international engagements. It must not be thought for a moment that a
+single battalion will be moved, or a solitary vessel dispatched abroad
+with warlike intentions.
+
+1893. The Representative of the Cabinet once more denies the
+suggestion that, under any consideration whatever, will England
+bind herself to accept European responsibility. This has been said
+constantly for the last three years, and the Representative of
+the Cabinet is not only surprised but pained at these frequent and
+embarrassing interrogations.
+
+1894. Once more, and for the last time, the PREMIER insists that
+whatever may happen abroad, England will be free from interference.
+It has been the policy of this great country for the last four years
+to steer clear of all embarrassing international complications. The
+other Great Powers are perfectly aware that, under no circumstances
+whatever, will our Army and Fleet be employed in taking part in
+the quarrels of our neighbours. The entire Cabinet are grieved at
+questions so frequently put to them--questions that are not only
+disquieting abroad, but a slur upon the intentions of men whose sole
+duty is the safety and peace of the British Empire.
+
+1895. General European War--England in the midst of it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+BEFORE THE MECHANICAL MODELS.
+
+A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.
+
+    SCENE--_The Grounds. A string of Sightseers discovered passing
+    slowly in front of a row of glazed cases containing small
+    mechanical figures, which are set in motion in the usual
+    manner._
+
+BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING A DYING CHILD.
+
+_A Gallant Swain_. That's the kid in bed, yer see. Like to see it die,
+POLLY, eh? A penny does it.
+
+_Polly_ (_with a giggle_). Well, if it ain't _too_ 'arrowing. (_The
+penny is dropped in, and the mechanical mother is instantly agitated
+by the deepest maternal anxiety._) That's the mother kneeling by the
+bed, I suppose--she do pray natural. There's the child waking up--see,
+it's moving its 'ed. (_The little doll raises itself in bed, and then
+falls back lifeless._) Ah, it's gone--look at the poor mother 'idin'
+her face.
+
+_The G.S._ Well, it's all over. Come along and see something more
+cheerful.
+
+_Polly_. Wait a bit--it isn't 'alf over yet. There's a angel got to
+come and carry her away fust--there, the door's opening, that'll be
+the angel come for it, I expect. (_Disappointed._) No, it's only
+the doctor. (_A jerky and obviously incompetent little medical
+practitioner puts his head in at the door, and on being motioned back
+by the bereaved mother, retires with more delicacy than might have
+been expected._) Well, he might ha' seen for himself if the child
+_was_ dead! (_The back of the bed disappears, disclosing a well-known
+picture of an angel flying upwards with a child._) I did think they'd
+have a real angel, and not only a picture of one, and anyone can see
+it's a different child--there's the child in bed just the same. I call
+that a take-in!
+
+_The G.S._ I dunno what more you expect for a penny.
+
+_A Person on the Outskirts_ (_eagerly to Friend_). What happened? What
+is it? I couldn't make it out over all the people's shoulders.
+
+_His Friend_. Dying child--not half bad either. You go and put in a
+penny, and you'll see it well enough.
+
+_The P. on the O._ (_indignantly_). What, put in a penny for such
+rubbish? Not me!
+
+    [_He hangs about till someone else provides the necessary
+    coin._
+
+_A Softhearted Female_. No, I couldn't stand there and look on. I
+never _can_ bear them pathetic subjects. I felt just the same
+with that picture of the Sick Child at the Academy, you know.
+(_Meditatively._) And you don't have to put a penny in for _that_,
+either.
+
+BEFORE ANOTHER BEDROOM SCENE REPRESENTING "THE DRUNKARD'S DELIRIUM."
+
+_First Woman_. That's 'im in bed, with the bottle in his 'and. He
+likes to take his liquor comfortable, _he_ do.
+
+_Second Woman_. He's very neat and tidy, considering ain't he? I
+wonder what his delirium is like. 'Ere, ROSY, come and put your penny
+in as the gentleman give yer. (_ROSY, aged six, sacrifices her penny,
+under protest._) Now, you look--you can't think what pretty things
+you'll see.
+
+    [_The little wooden drunkard sits up, applies the bottle to
+    his mouth, and sinks back contentedly; a demon, painted a
+    pleasing blue, rises slowly by his bed-side: the drunkard
+    takes a languid interest in him; the demon sinks._
+
+_A Gentleman with a bloated complexion_ (_critically_). 'Ooever
+did that--well, I dessay he's a very clever man,
+but--(_compassionately_)--he don't know much about 'orrors, _he_
+don't!
+
+_A Facetious Friend. You_ could ha' told him a thing or two, eh, JIM?
+
+_The Bloated Gentleman_ (_contemptuously_). Well, if I never 'ad them
+wuss than _that_!
+
+    [_A small skeleton, in a shroud, looks in at the door._
+
+_The F.F._ 'Ullo, 'ere's the King o' Terrors for yer! (_ROSY shows
+signs of uneasiness; a blue demon comes out of a cupboard._) 'Ere's
+another of 'em--quite a little party he's 'aving!
+
+_A Gentleman, in a white tie_ (_as the machinery stops_). Well, a
+thing like this does more real good than many a temperance tract.
+
+_The Bloated G._ Yer right there, Guv'nor--it's bin a lesson to _me_,
+I know that. 'Ere, will you come and 'ave a whiskey-sour along of me
+and my friend 'ere'?
+
+BEFORE A MODEL REPRESENTING AN EXECUTION.
+
+_A Daughter_. But _why_ won't you 'put a penny into this one, Father?
+
+_The Father_ (_firmly_). Because I don't approve of Capital
+Punishment, my dear.
+
+_A Cultivated Person_. An execution--"put a penny in; bell
+tolls--gates open--scaffold shown with gallows. Executioner pulls
+bolt--black flag"--dear, dear--most degrading, shocking taste! (_To
+his Friend._) Oh, of course, I'll wait, if you want to see it--not got
+a penny? Let me see--yes, _I_ can lend you one. (_He does; the penny
+is put in--nothing happens._) Out of order, I suppose--scandalous! and
+nobody to speak to about it--_most_ discreditable! Stop--what's
+this? (_A sort of woolly beat is audible inside the prison; the C.P.
+beams._) That's the bell tolling--it's all right, it's working! [_It
+works._
+
+_Another Spectator_. Very well done, that was--but they 'urried it
+over a little too quick. I scarcely saw the man 'ung at all!
+
+_His Companion_. Put in another penny, and p'raps you'll see him cut
+down, old chap.
+
+BEFORE THE FAIRY FORTUNE-TELLER'S GROTTO.
+
+_Susan Jane_ (_to her Soldier_.) Oh, ain't that pretty? I should like
+to know what _my_ fortune is. [_She feels in her pocket._
+
+_The Soldier_ (_who disapproves of useless expenditure_). Ain't you
+put in enough bloomin' pennies?
+
+_Susan Jane_. This is the last. (_Reads Directions_.) Oh, you've got
+to set the finger on the dial to the question you want answered, and
+then put your penny in. What shall I ask her?
+
+_Soldier_. Anyone would think you meant to go by the answer, to hear
+you talk!
+
+_Susan Jane_. P'raps I do. (_Coquettishly, as she sets the index to a
+printed question._) Now, you mustn't look. I won't 'ave _you_ see what
+I ask!
+
+_Soldier_ (_loftily_). _I_ don't want to look, I tell yer--it's
+nothing to me.
+
+_Susan Jane_. But you _are_ looking--I saw you. [_A curious and deeply
+interested crowd collects around them._
+
+_Soldier_. Honour bright, I ain't seen nothing. Are you going to be
+all night over this 'ere tomfoolery?
+
+    [_SUSAN JANE puts in a penny, blushing and tittering; a faint
+    musical tinkle is heard from the case, and the little fairies
+    begin to revolve in a solemn and mystic fashion; growing
+    excitement of crowd. A pasteboard bower falls aside, revealing
+    a small disc on which a sentence is inscribed._
+
+_Person in Crowd_ (_reading slowly over SUSAN JANE's shoulder_).
+"Yus; 'e is treuly worthy of your love."
+
+_Crowd_ (_delighted_). That's worth a penny to know, _ain't_ it, Miss?
+_Your_ mind's easy now! It's the soldier she was meanin'. Ah,_'e_
+ought to feel satisfied too, after that! &c., &c. [_Confusion of
+SUSAN JANE._
+
+_Soldier_ (_as he departs with S.J._). Well, yer know, there's
+something _in_ these things, when all's said!
+
+IN DEPARTING.
+
+_A Pleased Pleasure-seeker_. Ah, that's something like, that is! I've
+seen the 'Aunted Miser, and the Man with the 'Orrors, and a Execution,
+and a Dyin' Child--they do make you _larf_, yer know!
+
+_Second P.P._ Yes, it's a pity the rest o'the Exhibition ain't more
+the same style, to my thinking!
+
+_A Captious Critic_. Well, they don't seem to me to 'ave much to do
+with anything _naval_.
+
+_His Companion_. Why, it comes under machinery, don't it? You're so
+bloomin' particular, you are! Wouldn't touch a glass o' beer 'ere,
+unless it was brewed with salt-water, I suppose! Well, come on,
+then--there's a bar 'andy!
+
+    [_They adjourn for refreshment._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERBS PRO OMNIBUS.--Directly the Chairman of the General Omnibus
+Company observed that if the men's demands were conceded the fares
+would have to be raised, there was a rush to be the first out with
+the old proverb about Penny wise and Pound foolish. However, "In for a
+penny" remains as heretofore, the _employés_ having successfully gone
+"in for a Pound." Let them now "take care of the pence," and they may
+feel well assured that this particular POUND will be able to take care
+of himself. Well, farewell the tranquillity of the streets of last
+week! Henceforth not "chaos," but "'Bus 'os," has come again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOLENS VOLENS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Dear MR. PUNCH,--I hear that some people are in a great state of mind
+lest some blessed Bill brought in by the Government, should "destroy
+Voluntary Schools." What howling bosh! Why, there _are no_ Voluntary
+Schools! No, they're all Compulsory, confound 'em! or who'd attend
+'em? Not Yours disgustedly,
+
+A HUMAN BOY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. WELLER & CO., AND THE 'BUS STRIKE.--Mr. SUTHERST seems to occupy,
+as towards the 'Bus-drivers, a similar position to that filled by the
+eminent _Mr. Solomon Pell_, the general adviser, and man of business
+to the Elder _Mr. Weller_, and his professional coaching brethren. It
+is to be hoped that the _Solomon Pell_ of the 'Bus-drivers has been
+treated as liberally as was the real _Mr. Pell_, the friend of the
+LORD CHANCELLOR, by _Mr. Weller_ Senior, the Mottle-faced Man, and
+others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The most interesting book, one of the Baron's Retainers ("blythe and
+gay,") has read this year is, _The Life of Laurence Oliphant_. If it
+were not written by a reputable person, and published by so eminently
+respectable a house as BLACKWOOD's, there would be difficulty about
+accepting it as a true story of the life of a man whom some of us
+knew, as lately living in London, wearing a frock coat, and even a
+tall hat of cylindrical shape. Such a mingling of shrewd business
+qualities and March madness as met in LAURENCE OLIPHANT is surely a
+new thing. A man of gentle birth, of high culture, of wide experience,
+of supreme ability, and, strangest of all, with a keen sense of
+humour--that such an one should voluntarily step down from high social
+position at the bidding of a vulgar, selfish, self-seeking, and,
+according to some hints dropped here and there, grossly immoral man,
+should, at beck of his fat forefinger, go forth to a strange land
+to live amid sordid circumstances, and with uncongenial company, to
+work as a common, farm-labourer, to peddle strawberries at a railway
+station, passes belief. With respect to Mr. HARRIS, one feels inclined
+to quote _Betsy Prig's_ remark touching one who may, peradventure,
+have been a maternal relation. "I don't believe," said _Betsy_,
+"there's no sich a person." But there was, and, stranger still,
+there was a LAURENCE OLIPHANT to bend the knee to him. Not the least
+striking thing in a book of rare value is the manner in which Mrs.
+OLIPHANT has acquitted herself in a peculiarly difficult task. No man
+would have had the restraining patience necessary to deal with the
+HARRIS episodes as she has done.
+
+The Assistant Reader has been refreshing himself with _Lapsus Calami_,
+by J.K.S., published by MACMILLAN and BOWES. It is a booklet of light
+verse, containing here and there some remarkably brilliant pieces
+of satire and parody. The first of two parodies of ROBERT BROWNING
+is unsurpassable for successful audacity. The last poem in the book
+is "An Election Address," written for, but apparently not used by,
+the present POSTMASTER-GENERAL, when he was Candidate for Cambridge
+University, in 1882. He says of himself, after confessing to a dislike
+for literature and science,--
+
+  "But I have fostered, guided, planned
+  Commercial enterprise; in me
+  Some ten or twelve directors, and
+  Six worthy chairmen you may see."
+
+All the pieces are not so good as those cited--that would be too much
+to expect--but "get it," say
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORTUARY.
+
+  ANDREW LANGUAGE--no, LANG!--who the classics is pat in,
+    Suggests to our writers, as test of their "style,"
+  Just to turn their equivocal prose into Latin,
+    As DRYDEN did. Truly the plan makes one smile!
+  Reviewers find Novelists' nonsense much weary 'em.
+      Writers of twaddle
+      Take DRYDEN a model--
+  Turn your books into some great "_dead_ language"--and _bury_ 'em!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD DOWN EAST;
+
+_OR, A MAUVAIS JEW D'ESPRIT._
+
+Will you, if you please, point out to me the way to the streets which,
+I am told, are paved with gold?
+
+Where shall I find the employer of labour who, I have been told, will
+instantly get me occupation at a wage of 60 roubles the week?
+
+Dear me! in this, then, your "White Chapel"? I was told it was a
+luxurious quarter, famous for its Palaces.
+
+Surely this horrid den is not one of your model work-rooms? I was told
+that such things existed only in Russia!
+
+And are these people who are scowling at and cursing me your typical
+working population? Why, I was told that I should find them dear
+brothers, waiting to welcome us with open arms.
+
+And is this pittance you offer me all that you pay for making a coat?
+I was told that it was quite twelve times as much as this.
+
+Ah! I'm afraid I have been told, and have given credit to, a great
+many things to which I never should have listened at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES.
+
+_Lady Godiva de Rougepott_. "I DON'T THINK ANY PAINTING LOOKS WELL IN
+THIS HORRID ELECTRIC LIGHT!"
+
+_Hostess_ (_nettled_). "DON'T YOU, DEAR? PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER TO
+REMAIN IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, WHERE THE LAMPS AND SHADES ARE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.
+
+    "To the bi-monthly exhibition of the Royal Horticultural
+    Society the Marquis of SALISBURY sent a magnificent
+    collection--of strawberries especially. Mr. W.H. SMITH showed
+    specimens of the same luscious fruit, for which he received
+    the thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+_Head-Gardener_ SM-TH _soliloquiseth_:--
+
+OHO! my beauty! If _you_ don't get a fust prize, and "receive the
+thanks of the Society" I'm a cowcumber! "The Fruits of Early Industry
+and Economy." Title of a picture by that splendid sample of the
+industrious and the economical, GEORGE MORLAND, I believe. Yes, that's
+it. My Industry and G-SCH-N's Economy.
+
+  We are a moral family;
+    We are, we are, we are!
+
+All the cardinal virtues bound in--ahem! no matter.
+
+Talk of the Gigantic Gooseberry! What is that apocryphal monstrosity
+compared with this Brobdingnagian Berry? [_Sings._
+
+  Bravo, my "British Queen"!
+  Long live my "British Queen"!
+    Brave "British Queen"!
+  Send it victorious,
+  First-Prizer glorious,
+  Fill Rads censorious
+    With envious spleen!
+
+As you _will_, my Beauty! When did swaggering H-RC-RT's horticulture
+produce such goodly fruits? Or sour-mug'd M-RL-Y's? Or leary L-BBY's?
+Or Slawkenbergian M-ND-LLA's? Or even that of the Grand Old Grower,
+GL-DST-NE himself, with all his fluent patter about British Pomona,
+and the native Jam-pot?
+
+I know the badly-beaten lot maintain that the plant is a "Sport" from
+an old purchase of their own. Bless you, they claim _all_ the good
+stocks--always did. Who cares? My young floricultural friend, JOE
+of Birmingham, who knows a bit about fruits as well as concerning
+orchids, let me tell you,--JOE, I say, laughs their preposterous
+pretensions to scorn. Look at G-SCH-N's own particular plant there--a
+bit late, but very promising, and probably destined to take a prize
+before the season's over. Didn't JOE recommend the stock to GL-DST-NE
+years ago? And didn't the haughty Hawarden horticulturist turn up his
+nose at it as an "Unauthorised" intruder upon his own Prize Programme?
+And, more by token, didn't JOE get the hump in consequence, cut the
+old connection, and set up on his own account in the forcing-house
+line, with a friendly leaning to our firm? Aha! "_Hinc illæ
+lachrymæ_," as the Guv'nor would say. Hence, also, this Colossal
+Strawberry!
+
+Thanks of the Society? I should rayther think so! They may chaff
+"OLD MORALITY" as much as they like--but morality _pays_, even in
+strawberry-growing; and my duty to my (British) Queen has brought
+about _this_ triumph. Early Industry started it, and careful
+horticultural Economy brought it to its present pitch of perfection.
+Look at it! Size, shape, sweetness, scent, all superb! If the Season
+shouldn't produce another Prize-Winner, this alone ought to satisfy
+SOLLY. And if G-SCH-N's seedling, "Gratis," _should_ turn out a
+triumph later on, why we shall score tremendously. Wish G-SCH-N would
+"sit up and snort" less, and smile more. Patience and plenty of sun!
+That's the tip for a horticulturist. Standing at the door and shying
+stones at your neighbour's glasshouses, won't make your own fruit
+ripen, if GEORGE JOKIM could only see it. As H-RT D-KE says, _tu
+quoques_ are a nuisance, and want fumigating off the face of the
+earth. JOKIM and ARTHUR B-LF-R a bit too fond of 'em for _my_ fancy.
+However, all the "you're anothers" on earth can't affect my Strawberry
+now, thanks be! _The_ Fruit of the Season, though I say it who perhaps
+shouldn't.
+
+  (_Sings._) From "Greenlands" sunny garden,
+                    And vista'd vitreous panes,
+                  We mean to rival Hawarden,
+                    In glories and in gains.
+                  I have produced, Sweet WILL-I-AM,
+                    This Giant Strawber-ry,
+                  In horticultural skill I am
+                    A match for W.G.! [_Left chortling._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VERY LAST ON THE 'BUS STRIKE.--After the comparative quiet of last
+week, the streets of London will now be as 'bussy as ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FRUIT OF THE SESSION.
+
+W.H. SM-TH (_Head Gardener and Prize Exhibitor_). "HAD TO NIP OFF A
+LOT OF BLOOMS TO GET HIM UP TO THIS SIZE!!"
+
+    "At the Bimonthly Exhibition of the Royal Horticultural
+    Society ... Mr. W.H. SMITH showed specimens of the same
+    luscious fruit"--strawberries--"for which he received the
+    thanks of the Society."--_Daily Telegraph_, Wednesday, June 10.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHORT-LIVED PLEASURE.
+
+PORTRAIT OF A LITERARY FRIEND, WHO, LIVING IN A MAIN THOROUGHFARE,
+WAS AN ARDENT SUPPORTER OF THE 'BUS STRIKE, SUBSCRIBED TO ITS FUNDS,
+ADD HOPED IT MIGHT LONG CONTINUE. HE SAYS HE HASN'T HAD SUCH A QUIET
+TIME WITH HIS BOOKS FOR YEARS. BUT ALAS! SINCE LAST SUNDAY HE HAS NOT
+SMILED AGAIN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. GINGHAM ON THE GREAT 'BUS QUESTION.
+
+    "The demand for 'Buses is immensely stimulated by their
+    presence, and when they are no longer there, the people who
+    thought them indispensable get on very well indeed without
+    them.... Under the influence of penny fares, Londoners are
+    rapidly forgetting how to walk."--_The Times_.
+
+  Ah! it's all very fine, my good Sir, whosomever you are as writes such,
+  But of decent poor folk and their needs it is plain as you do not know
+      much.
+  Which I ain't quite so young as I was, nor as light, nor as smart on my
+      feet,
+  And you may not know quite what it is to be out late o' night and dead
+      beat,
+  Out Islington way, arter ten, with a bundle, a child, and a cage,
+  As canaries is skeery at night, and a seven mile walk, at my age,
+  All along of no 'Bus to be had, love or money, and cabs that there dear,
+  And a stitch in my side and short breath, ain't as nice as you
+      fancy,--no fear!
+  Likeways look at my JOHN every morning, ah! rain, hail or shine, up to
+      town,
+  With no trams running handy, and corns! As I sez to my friend Mrs. BROWN,
+  Bless the 'Buses, I sez, they're a boon to poor souls, as must travel
+      at times,
+  And we can't _all_ keep kerridges neither, wus luck! Penny Fares ain't
+      no crimes,
+  If you arsk me, as did ought to know. Which my feelings I own it does rouge
+  To hear big-wigs a-sneering at 'Buses. There may be a bit of a scrouge,
+  And the smell of damp straw mixed with pep'mint ain't nice to a dalicot
+      nose,
+  Likeways neat "Oh be Joyful's" a thing as with orange and snuff hardly
+      goes.
+  But we ain't all rekerky nor rich, we can't all afford sixpence a mile,
+  And when we are old, late, and tired, or it's wet, we can't think about
+      _style_.
+  The 'Bus is the poor body's kerridge, young feller--and as for your talk
+  About not never missing a lift, or forgetting--dear sakes!--_how_ to walk,
+  And the nice quiet streets and all that; why it's clear _you_ ain't been
+      a poor clerk
+  With a precious small "screw," in wet weather. Ah! you wouldn't find it
+      no lark
+  With thin boots and a 'ard 'acking cough, and three mile every day to and
+      thro',
+  Or a puffy old woman like me, out at Witsuntide wisiting JOE,
+  (My young son in the greengrocer line); or a governess, peaky and pale,
+  As has just overslep herself slightly, and can't git by cab or by rail.
+  "Ugly lumbering wehicles?" Ah! and we're ugly and lumbering too,
+  A lot of us poor Penny 'Bus fares, as isn't high-born or true-blue.
+  But the 'Bus is our help. Wery like some do ride as had far better walk,
+  Whether tip-toppy swells or poor shop-girls. But all that is trumpery talk.
+  What I arsk is, why shouldn't the 'Buses be kept a bit reglar, like Cabs,
+  In the matter of fares and of distances? Oh, a old woman it crabs
+  To hear of Perprietors pinching pore fellers as drive or conduck,
+  While the "Pirates" play up merry mag with the poor helpless fare, as gets
+      stuck
+  Betwixt Dividend-grinders and Strikers? It ought to be altered, _I_ say.
+  Whilst they talk of what 'Bus-folk should earn, they forget the pore
+      Publick--who _pay_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE PRINCE S'AMUSE.
+
+_AN APOLOGETIC IDYL._
+
+  My life is held to be a round of Pleasures;
+  All I can say is, they who thus would rate it,
+  For life's delights have most peculiar measures:
+  For though in plainest English they don't state it,
+  'Tis clear "no recreation" meets their views,
+  Or why that sneering cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse?_"
+
+  Or do they think a Prince, without repining,
+  Foundation-stones unceasingly is laying,
+  Rewarded with a glut of public dining,
+  The pangs of hunger ever to be staying,
+  Is recreation such as he would choose?
+  If so--I understand "_Le Prince s'amuse!_"
+
+  But how a world that notes his daily doings,
+  The everlasting round of weary function,--
+  The health-returnings, speeches, interviewings.
+  Can grudge him some relief, without compunction,
+  Seems quite to me "another pair of shoes!"
+  Dyspeptic is that cry, "_Le Prince s'amuse!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN BRIGAND.
+
+(_FRAGMENT FROM THE ADVENTURES OF A RANSOMED PRISONER._)
+
+I must confess I was agreeably surprised at the treatment to which I
+was subjected by my capturers. Instead of being loaded with chains
+and confined in a cell beneath the castle's moat, I was given perfect
+liberty, and had quite a pleasant suite of rooms. I should scarcely
+have known that I was in durance had not one of the less refined of
+the brigands shown me a revolver, and playfully informed me that its
+contents were intended for me if I attempted to escape. The Chief was
+absolutely charming. He treated me in the most courteous manner, and
+ended his first interview with me by requesting "the honour of my
+company at dinner."
+
+"You need not dress!" he observed, "although I like to put on a
+tail-coat myself. But I know that you have had some difficulty with
+my people about your luggage, and so I shall be only too delighted to
+excuse _grande tenue_."
+
+The "difficulty" to which my host referred was the seizing of my
+portmanteau by the gang of thieves of which he was the acknowledged
+head. I suggested that I might possibly recover some of its contents.
+
+"I am afraid not," returned the Chieftain. "You see my people are very
+methodical, and by this time I fear all the goods will have been sold.
+The motto of the Club is 'small profits and quick returns.' We find no
+difficulty in trading. As we carry on business on the most economical
+principles, we can quote prices even cheaper than the Stores."
+
+And this I found to be the case. Although the brigands were very civil
+to me, I was unable to trace any of my property. However, as my host
+in the kindest manner had allowed me to dispense with ceremony, I
+ventured to appear at dinner-time in my ordinary tourist's dress.
+
+"I am delighted to see you," said the Chief, speaking English for
+the first time, "as you are now my guest, I must confess that we are
+fellow countrymen."
+
+"Indeed!" I replied, considerably astonished. "If you are really of
+British nationality, how is it that I find you a professional thief?"
+
+"You are mistaken," returned the Chief. "I merely belong to a society
+for the redistribution of capital. You know we are all balloted for,
+and I was myself afraid that I might get pilled."
+
+"Indeed!" I exclaimed, in a tone of surprise. "Surely your
+accomplishments--for I noticed, on my arrival, that you were a
+first-rate hand at lawn tennis, and played the flute--would have
+secured your admission?"
+
+"Well," he returned with a smile, "I fancy they helped me with the
+Committee. But unhappily my antecedents were bad--I had made a
+fortune on the London Stock Exchange, and my books were scarcely as
+satisfactory as our bandit auditors could have desired them to be.
+However they took a kindly view of the case, and allowed me to pass
+through. But pardon me, I see your ransom has arrived. I am afraid I
+must say good bye. A pleasant journey."
+
+And shaking me warmly by the hand, he helped me into the conveyance
+that was to take me back to home and freedom. I have never seen him
+since.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS.--HARTINGTONIANA.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COY COLOSSUS.
+
+PARIS, _June 15_.--It is stated here, on no authority whatever, that
+when the CZAR was recently visiting the French Exhibition at Moscow,
+his Imperial Majesty was heard to remark, "This makes me desire to see
+the Boulevards again." A visit of the ruler of Russia to Paris during
+the Summer is therefore considered to be certain. An offensive and
+defensive Alliance between the two countries is said to be on the
+point of signature.
+
+A few evenings ago, in a low _café_ in Belleville, M. NOKASHIKOFF, who
+left St. Petersburg lately to escape his creditors, and who conceived
+the happy idea of raising a little money by walking to Paris in a sack
+composed of the French and Russian national flags stitched together,
+was entertained to supper by his Gallic admirers. The proceedings,
+especially towards midnight, were very enthusiastic. Throughout the
+festivities, constant cries of "_Vive l'Alliance Franco-Russe!_" were
+raised. This incident is said to have placed the immediate signature
+of the Treaty between the CZAR and President CARNOT beyond a doubt.
+
+Last evening a foreigner, who by appearance would have been taken for
+a Muscovite, was walking along the asphalte, when he was surrounded
+by a crowd of persons crying "_Vive la Russie!_" The foreigner seemed
+both surprised and annoyed by these attentions, and at length began to
+use his fists and his boots liberally on the ringleaders of the mob.
+This treatment, however, seemed only to increase their Russophil
+ardour, and the stranger was soon hoisted on to the shoulders of some
+of his foremost admirers, struggling violently. On the arrival of a
+gendarme, he explained that he was an English book-maker, and that
+"this bloomin' mob of boot-lickers had taken him for a bloomin'
+Russian!" The crowd shortly afterwards dispersed. The completion
+of the formal alliance between France and Russia is considered less
+certain than it was a few days ago.
+
+The Frenchman, M. TÊTE-BOIS, who recently attempted to walk on his
+head from Paris to Moscow, in order to show the sympathy felt in
+France for the Muscovite Empire, did not succeed in carrying out his
+design. He was stopped shortly after crossing the Russian frontier,
+imprisoned, and heavily ironed. After suffering in this way for
+a week, he was told that he must leave Russian territory within
+twenty-four hours, or else continue his journey to Siberia. On being
+appealed to, the CZAR graciously extended the time given for quitting
+Russia to forty-eight hours. This Imperial clemency has caused the
+widest feeling of gratitude and satisfaction in France, and the
+signature of the definitive Alliance between the two countries is
+confidently expected at an exceedingly early date.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.
+
+(_Dedicated to Lord Chief Justice Coleridge._)
+
+"THE LORD ARCHBISHOP OF NOVA SCOTIA, PRELATE OF THE ORDER OF THE SUN,"
+CAUGHT CHEATING AT CARDS (HYPOTHETICALLY) BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE,
+AND TAKEN, INSTANTANEOUSLY, BY OUR ARTIST.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, June 8_.--I knew DYKE first when
+(good many years ago now) as DIZZY's whip he hunted in couple with
+ROWLAND WINN; then always called HART DYKE. Like many other young men
+he has in interval lost his HART, and now known as Sir WILLIAM DYKE.
+Curious thing, as SARK reminds me, how absorbent is the name of
+WILLIAM. Quite probable that before _Black-Eyed Susan's_ friend came
+prominently on the stage he had some other Christian name, sunk when
+he was promoted to shadow of yard-arm. Certainly there is an equally
+eminent man sitting opposite DYKE in House to-night, who like him is
+"Sir WILLIAM" to the present generation, and was VERNON HARCOURT to an
+elder one.
+
+DYKE, under whatever name, done excellently well to-night. Holding
+comparatively minor appointment in Ministry, suddenly finds himself
+in charge of principal measure of Session. Handicapped, moreover, with
+recollections of time when he has uncompromisingly declared himself
+against the very principle he now embodies in Bill, and invites House
+to add to Statute Book.
+
+That was first hedge for DYKE to take, and he went over in plucky
+style that threw the scorner off his trail. Didn't live in close
+communication with DIZZY through six long years for nothing. Not
+likely to forget what happened in very earliest days of Parliament
+of 1874, when DIZZY for first time found himself not only in office
+but in power. During election campaign DIZZY, speaking in the safety
+of Buckinghamshire, had made some wild statement about easing the
+chains of Ireland. Simply designed to gain Irish vote; forgotten as
+soon as spoken. But ROBERT MONTAGU--where, by the way, is ROBERT
+MONTAGU?--treasured these things up in his heart, and when DIZZY
+appeared in the House, Leader of triumphant majority, asked him what
+he was going to do about it?
+
+"It is sometime since the observations referred to were made," said
+DIZZY, "and--er--a good deal has happened in the interval."
+
+DYKE, recalling and admitting his former statements on Free
+Education, did not attempt to minimise their import. "But." he said,
+button-holing House as it were, and treating it quite confidentially,
+"the fact is we all change our minds." House laughed at this as it
+had laughed at DIZZY seventeen years ago, and DYKE, absolved and
+encouraged, went forward with his speech.
+
+Not a brilliant oration in any way; neither exordium nor peroration,
+and the middle occasionally a little mixed. But a good sensible
+straightforward speech, and if DYKE had done no more than show that
+an important Ministerial measure could be explained within limit of an
+hour, he would not have lived in vain.
+
+_Business done._--Education Bill introduced.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Nothing at first sight in personal appearance of HERBERT
+THOMAS KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN that suggests a swan. Fancy I have heard
+something of these birds being addicted to the habit of breaking
+forth into song when convinced of approaching dissolution. That, I
+suppose, is how the swan was suggested to the mind when just now,
+KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN rose from behind Ministers, and began to chant his
+threnody. Resolution on which Education Bill grafted brought up for
+report stage; agreed to, and HART DYKE about to bring in his Bill.
+Then from the back seat rose a sturdy yeoman figure, and a powerful
+voice was uplifted in denunciation of the Bill and of a Ministry that
+had betrayed the trust of the Conservative Party. It was, so the swan
+sang, a step on the road to Socialism. He feared it had come to pass
+that dangerous measures are more likely to emanate from the Treasury
+Bench than from the Front Bench opposite.
+
+Liberals roared with delighted laughter and cheers; the Conservatives
+sat glum and ill-at-ease. OLD MORALITY's white teeth gleamed with a
+spasmodic smile. As for JOKIM he folded his arms, and bit his lips and
+frowned.
+
+"What antiquated nonsense this is!" he muttered, "of course Free
+Education is not a Conservative principle. They all protested against
+it at the General Election. A year earlier I, who happened at the
+time to be numbered in the Liberal ranks, put my back against the
+wall, and, picturing the evils that would befall my country if its
+institutions were thus demoralised, I said I would die before I would
+lend a hand to free the schools. But you see, TOBY, _I haven't died_,
+and that changes the whole situation. Not only enables me to retain
+my place in Government bringing in Free Education, but permits
+me, as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, actually to find the means
+for carrying out the system. Can't understand a fellow like this
+KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN sticking to his principles when it becomes
+expedient to swallow them. He's a disgrace to a family that counts
+BRABOURNE as its head."
+
+[Illustration: "A Progressive Conservative." (_Vide Dod._)]
+
+"HUGESSEN's a good fellow," said ISAACSON; "wears well, but is
+politically a fossil. Now _I'm_ a progressive Conservative, which I
+think you'll find, TOBY, my boy, to be about the time of day."
+
+_Business done_.--Assisted Education Bill; firmly led up to table by
+HART DYKE.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Lively fight round Deceased Wife's Sister Bill. Ascot
+in vain held forth its attractions; supporters of the Bill hoped
+opponents would go; opponents came down rather expecting HENEAGE's
+virtue would have given way, and Ascot would have claimed him as its
+own. But everybody there--MAKINS's men with long list of Amendments
+warranted to keep things going till half-past five, when progress
+must be reported, and chance of Bill for present Session lost. MAKINS
+himself in high oratorical feather. OSBORNE-AP-MORGAN, having made a
+proposition and subsequently withdrawn it, MAKINS, putting on severest
+judicial aspect, observed, "It is all very well for the Right Hon.
+and learned Gentleman to make a legal JONAH of himself and swallow his
+opinions."
+
+"Bless us all!" cried ROWNTREE, looking on with blank amazement,
+"MAKINS evidently thinks that JONAH swallowed the whale." Bill
+seemed to shatter friendships and dissever old alliances. SQUIRE of
+MALWOOD naturally at home in the fray, but rather startling to find
+HOME SECRETARY running amuck at CHAMBERLAIN. MATTHEWS in his most
+hoity-toity mood; quivered with indignation; thumped the table; shook
+a forensic forefinger at the undesignedly offending JOSEPH, and,
+generally, went on the rampage. As for HENEAGE, he filled up any
+little pause in uproar by diving in and moving the Closure. Once,
+whilst GEDGE was opposing an Amendment hostile to Bill, HENEAGE dashed
+in with his Closure motion. GEDGE's face a study; mingled surprise,
+indignation, and ineffable regret mantled his mobile front.
+
+[Illustration: "Bless us all!"]
+
+"To think," he said afterwards, "that just when I was coming to
+HENEAGE's help with an argument founded on profound study and pointed
+with legal lore, he should suddenly jump up, lower his head, and, as
+it were, butt me in the stomach with the Closure. It is more than I
+can at the moment comprehend."
+
+GEDGE so flurried that when Members returned, after Division on
+Closure, he being, in accordance with the rule, seated and wearing his
+hat, wanted to argue out the question with COURTNEY.
+
+"I submit, Sir," he said, "that the Hon. Member, in moving the
+Closure, controverted Rule 186."
+
+The Chairman: "I think the Hon. Member can scarcely have read the
+Rule."
+
+Mr. GEDGE: "I have read the Rule, Sir. This is what it says--"
+
+Chairman: "Order! Order!" and GEDGE subsided.
+
+Then TOMLINSON fortuitously turning up on Treasury Bench, joined in
+conversation. But COURTNEY turned upon him with such a thunderous
+cry of "Order! Order!" that TOMLINSON visibly shrivelled up, and his
+sentence, like the unfinished window in ALLADIN's Tower, unfinished
+must remain.
+
+Wrangling went on till a quarter past five, when TALBOT interposed,
+and with most funereal manner moved to report progress. HENEAGE almost
+mechanically lowered his head and had started to butt at TALBOT as
+he had upset GEDGE when he was providentially stopped and convinced
+that further struggle with obstruction was hopeless. So, Clause I.
+agreed to, Bill talked out. MAKINS, growing increasingly delightful,
+protested that a Bill that had been fifty years before the country,
+was not to be rushed through the House on a Wednesday afternoon.
+_Argal_, the more familiar the House is with the details of a measure,
+the more necessary is it to debate it.
+
+_Business done_.--Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. Banns again
+objected to.
+
+_Saturday_, 1:25 A M.--Land Bill just through report stage. Nothing
+left now but Third Reading. "Well, KNOX," said WINDBAG SEXTON, "that
+will be our last opportunity, and we must make the most of it. In
+meantime I think we've done pretty well. I'm especially pleased with
+you. You're a boy of great promise. If anything happened to me--a
+stray tack in the bench, or a pin maliciously directed, and the
+wind-bag were to collapse--you'd do capitally, till I got it
+repaired."
+
+WINDBAG JUNIOR blushed. As OLD MORALITY remarks, Ingenuous youth
+delights in the Approbation of Seasoned Seniority.
+
+_Business done_.--Land at last--I mean Land Purchase Bill through at
+last.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GENERAL OF THE FUTURE.
+
+    SCENE--_Tent in rear of a Battle-field. Political Officer in
+    attendance upon Army, waiting for Military assistance._
+
+_Political Officer_ (_impatiently_). Now then, Orderly, have you not
+been able to secure a General for me?
+
+_Orderly_ (_saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir, but it's so difficult, since
+they have passed that new Royal Warrant, to know which is which.
+
+_Pol. Off._ (_more impatiently_). Nonsense!--any General Officer will
+do. _Ord_. Very good, Sir.
+
+    [_Exit. Political Officer stamps his foot irritably, when
+    enter First General Officer, hurriedly._
+
+_First Gen. Off._ Well, Sir, how can I assist you?
+
+_Pol. Off._ (_cordially_). Glad to see you, General. Fact is,
+supposing we arrange a treaty, do you think it would be wise to
+surrender the fortress on the right side of the river, if we retain
+the redoubt near the wood as a basis of operations? You see--
+
+_First Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Very sorry, but don't know
+anything about it.
+
+_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General?
+
+_First Gen. Off._ Certainly. General-Surgeon. Ta, ta! [_Exit._
+
+_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Second Gen. Off._) Well, Sir,
+what is it? Who are you?
+
+_Second Gen. Off._ I am a General Officer, and I was told you required
+my poor services.
+
+_Pol. Off._ So I do. The fact is, General, supposing we arrange a
+treaty, do you think it wise for us to surrender the fortress--
+
+_Second Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Alas! my dear friend, I fear I
+can be of no help to you--it is entirely out of my line.
+
+_Pol. Off._ (_annoyed_). But aren't you a General?
+
+_Second Gen. Off._ Certainly. A General-Chaplain. Farewell, dear
+friend. [_Exit._
+
+_Pol. Off._ Well of all the--(_Enter Third General Officer._) Well,
+Sir, who and what are you?
+
+_Third Gen. Off._ (_briskly_). A General. Now then, look sharp! No
+time to lose. Hear you require me. How can I help you?
+
+_Pol. Off._ (_aside_). Ah, this is the sort of man I want! (_Aloud._)
+Well then, General, we are arranging a treaty, and I want your advice
+about retaining a fortress on the right of the river--
+
+_Third Gen. Off._ (_interrupting_). Sorry. Can't help! Not my
+province. Good bye! [_Exit._
+
+_Pol. Off._ (_shouting after him_). But aren't you a General?
+
+_Third Gen. Off._ (_voice heard in the distance_.) Yes.
+General-Postman!
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon political official language unfit for
+    publication._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL NOTES.--_Saturday Afternoon_.--Albert Hall jubilant. M.
+PLANCON or PLANÇON--the production of the "c" depending on the state
+of his voice--was encored and "obliged again." So did Madame ALBANI,
+who was in superb voice. But her accompanist, M. CARRODUS, who had
+given us one violin _obbligato_, did _not_ obbligato again, and so
+Madame sang, admirably of course, the ever-welcome "_Home, Sweet
+Home_." GIULIA RAVOGLI gave her great _Orphéo_ song, and DRURIOLANUS,
+practising courtly attitudes, as one preparing to receive a German
+Emperor, smole beamingly on the gratified audience. At The Garden,
+_Mireille_, revived on Wednesday last, hasn't much life in her, but
+Miss EAMES charming.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, June 20, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13422 ***