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diff --git a/13421-0.txt b/13421-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b798358 --- /dev/null +++ b/13421-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1681 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13421 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +June 27, 1891. + + + + +A WAIL FROM THE TUB. + +A REMINISCENCE OF SUNDAY, THE 14TH OF JUNE. + + SCENE.--_Hyde Park. Demonstration in progress, with the not + unreasonable object of inducing Parliament to extend the + Factory Acts to small and insanitary laundries. A lengthy + procession, composed of sympathetic Railway Workers, Cabmen, + Journeymen Tailors, Gas Stokers, House-Decorators, Carpenters, + &c., &c., alt with resplendent banners and hired bands, has + marched into the Park, together with some lorries and drags + containing deputations of ladies from the laundry in the + highest possible spirits. Once arrived, each platform chiefly + concerns itself with the grievances of its own particular + supporters, while a crowd of sightseers circulates, enjoying + the oratory with a desultory impartiality. The usual + silhouettes of gesticulating speakers appear like jerky + clockwork figures above the throng. A crowd of Socialists + are "remembering Chicago" in a corner. The chief centre of + attraction is a drag occupied by a Philanthropic Young-lady + Chairwoman, her chaperon, some leading laundresses, one or two + male sympathisers, and a couple of reporters. The_ Chairwoman + _conducts the proceedings with the greatest possible tact + and grace, but is slightly hampered by the levity of a crowd + composed of factory-girls, semi-imbecile larrikins, and + professional laundresses, whose burning anxiety for reform + masks itself under a surface frivolity. In the neighbourhood + is a lorry decorated with clean shirts, and occupied by young + washerwomen fired by an enthusiasm which manifests itself in + bursts of shrill cheering and lively interchange of chaff + with the spectators. In the meantime, the business of this + particular platform proceeds somewhat as follows:--_ + +_The Chairwoman_ (_with patient good-humour_). Now, I'm sure you'll +all be as quiet as you can while I ... (_Hubbub, caused by a personal +altercation between two Women in the crowd, and shouts of "Order!"_) +Because really my doctor has ordered me not to speak in the open air +at all ... (_Here an ill-conditioned female, taking offence for some +inscrutable reason, remarks loudly,_ "_'Er_ doctor, indeed, she's +a beauty, _she_ is--'er and 'er doctor!" _More calls to order, and +extreme indignation of the ill-conditioned female at being informed +that she is "no lady," and had "better 'old 'er jaw"; ribald and +utterly meaningless jests by the larrikins._) Order, _please_! +(_Imploringly._) I know you won't make it harder for me than you can +help. (_A young Lady in a very tall hat and feather is heard demanding +that the Gentleman in front of her should remove his "boxer," on +pain of obliging her to remove it herself; the question is argued at +length._) ... You all know the purpose for which we have ... (_Here +an enthusiastic old Lady on the drag begins to cheer aimlessly, and +wave a scrubbing-brush; the Laundresses on the lorry join in._) Well, +we're going to ask Parliament ... (_Another female in crowd_: "'Ullo, +there's Mrs. JINNINGS, along with the toffs! I want to 'ear Mrs. +JINNINGS speak, I do!") ... I shall now ask you to listen to a +speaker--Mrs. GOFFIN--who has had several years' practical experience +of laundry-work, and she will tell you, I am sure, what the hardships +and injustices are which we are trying to put an end to. + + [Mrs. GOFFIN, _a stout, red-faced Lady, mounts the seat with a + cheery confidence, amidst roars of laughter, and shouts of "Go + it, old girl!" "Don't forgit to send my shirt home next week!" + &c., &c. The female in the crowd repeats her preference + for_ Mrs. JINNINGS' _oratory; a string of factory-girls, in + high-feathered hats, having just elbowed their way into the + throng, suddenly conceive a desire to "get a breath o' air + somewhere," and accordingly push and trample their way out + again with a Parthian discharge of refined raillery--after + which_ Mrs. GOFFIN's _voice becomes audible._ + +[Illustration: "I've been and spoke to hover forty Members o' +Parlyment myself!"] + +_Mrs. Goffin_. Why, I've been and spoke to hover forty Members o' +Parlyment on the subjeck myself, I 'ave, and they was all on our +side, 'cept three or four, as was lawyers--and you know what _they_ +are! (_The crowd expresses hearty disapproval of the Profession as a +body._) One on 'em sez to me, "My good woman, I'm against 'aving the +Factory Acts. I'm all for freedom, I am!" "So am _I_ all for freedom," +I sez, "but ..." (_Here another disturbance takes place; a little man, +with red whiskers, has mildly objected to being leant upon by a burly +stranger, who bawls_--"What are you afraid on? You ain't bin fresh +painted, 'ave yer? Are yer 'oller inside--or what? Ga arn--I never +knoo a carrotty-'aired man good for anything yet," &c., &c.) Then +there's Mr. MATTHEWS, the 'OME SECKERTARY, _'e's_ against us, which +I think 'e must be a woman-'ater hisself! (_Feeling suggestion from +crowd that the_ HOME SECRETARY _has suffered a disillusion in his +younger days._) But I was goin' to tell yer what we poor women 'ave +got to put up with. Now there's a Mrs. HIRONMOULD, of Starch Row, +Hacton Green, as I've worked for. (_A Lady in crowd, who knows_ Mrs. +H. "Ah, _she's_ a beauty!" _Cheers for_ Mrs. HIRONMOULD.) Well, I'll +tell yer something about _'er_--it'll jest show you what _she_ is! +Why, that woman, as I know myself, she acshally ... (_She relates +a personal and Rabelaisian reminiscence of_ Mrs. H., _to the huge +delight of the audience._) I'll tell yer another thing--I've worked +for a man down at South End, Healing, and this'll show yer the amount +o' hinsult and hill-treatment we 'ave to stand, and never say nothing +to. I've seed 'im, hover and hover agen, walkin' about among us in his +shirtsleeves, with 'is braces 'angin' about is 'eels! (_Cheers from +the crowd; demonstration with scrubbing-brush by the old Lady in the +drag._) I 'ave indeed, and I don't tell yer no lies. (_Here a Lady in +the crowd suddenly exhibits a tendency to harangue the public on her +own wrongs, and has to be suppressed._) And that man 'e'd come up to +me and say, "Ain't them shirts finished yet?" he sez. "No," I'd say to +'im, "they ain't, and I don't deceive yer." "It's time they was," he'd +say. "Beggin' your pardon," I'd tell 'im, "it's nothink o' the kind; +and, if you don't believe _my_ word, you may go and call your Missis +out of the back kitching, as knows more about it than you do!" An' are +you goin' to tell _me_ we ain't to 'ave a Factory Act, after _that_? + + [_She stands down, having made the speech of the afternoon, + and is rewarded by approving cries of "Good old girl!" An + employer of labour is next introduced, and received at first + with suspicion, until he explains that he is heart and soul + with them, that he does not dread the application of the + Factory Acts to his own establishment, and considers that it + would be an excellent thing if all the smaller laundries were + closed to-morrow, whereupon the ladies habitually employed in + these places cheer him heartily._ + +_A Common-Sense Speaker_. It's all very well for you to come 'ere and +protest against the laundresses workin' too long hours, but I tell yer +_this_--it's yer own fault, it's the Public's fault. You _will_ 'ave +yer clean shirts and collars sent 'ome every week! (_Several of the +unwashed betray that this thrust has gone home._) A fortnight ain't a +_bit_ too long to wait for your linen! (_Unanimous and hearty assent +by people in dingy flannels._) And if some o' these swells and +aristocrats weren't so partickler, and didn't send so much linen +to the wash as they do, why, it stands to reason as the hours the +washerwomen 'ud work 'ud be shorter! + + [_Chorus of agreement; sudden unpopularity--especially, oddly + enough, with lighthearted young laundresses--of persons + in the crowd whose collars are at all aggressive in their + cleanliness; universal feeling that the blame has been fitted + upon the right shoulders at last. More speeches; simultaneous + passing of Resolution; the Processions march away with colours + flying and bands playing, and, if they have succeeded in + advancing the true interests of labour, no one will be more + gratified than their friend, Mr. Punch._ + + * * * * * + +JOSEPH'S JOUST. + + [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, from the study of a certain "Liberal + Leaflet" triumphantly draws the large conclusion that the + Gladstonians have "dropped Home Rule."] + + To "ride the high horse," my brave Brummagem boy, + Is doubtless, to you, a delight and a joy; + But little avails that equestrian quest, + If the fruit of your ride is the merest "mare's nest." + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE FOR THE SULTRY SUMMER WEATHER.--The revival of _Drink_, at +Drury Lane. It ought to be "iced drink." + + * * * * * + +"PALMAM QUI MERUIT, FERAT!" + +[Illustration: "It takes time to get ever such journeys and such +experiences."--_Mrs. Grimwood on her Manipur adventures._] + +Mr. PUNCH, _loquitur_:-- + + True, Madam, and tasteless would be the intrusion + That tactlessly took no account of the time + The praises of Britons are yours, in profusion; + The blame for a blunder, the judgment for crime, + Let Statesmen apportion; all know where the Honour + In Manipur's ill-managed business is due; + And _Punch_, whose delight is of praise to be donor, + Without hesitation awards it to _you_! + + The terrible tale of that sudden disaster + Is vivid in memory, fresh on our ear; + We know how a tender-souled woman could master + The anguish of horror, the tremor of fear. + That short brave defence will long live in our story. + That long dreadful march England will not forget; + Though womanhood finds little comfort in glory, + For hearts that are aching and eyes that are wet. + + Enough for to-day! When slow time has brought healing. + The tale of those hours by your lips may be told. + But proud admiration will scarce brook concealing, + And _Punch_ to express it is courteously bold. + He speaks for all England. For womanly valour + We men have not shaped the right guerdon,--our loss! + A brave woman's heart flushing red o'er fear's pallor, + Deserves--what _Punch_ gives--the Victoria Cross! + + * * * * * + +"Their acquaintance," observed Counsel, in a recent Breach of Promise +Case, "began in a 'bus." This may have been an error of expression, or +a misprint, as "began _with_ a buss" would have been more likely. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER JUBILEE!--The Jubilee of the COOK Tourist System will be +celebrated July 22nd by a Banquet at the Métropole. The dinner ought +to be A 1 with such a COOK. + + * * * * * + +SUMMERY MUMMERY. + +I do not know how long the Summer Season at TERRY's, now being carried +on by Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES, is to last, but with a little dexterous +management there is no reason why this excellent form of entertainment +should not go on all the year round. At 8 there is _The Lancashire +Sailor_, by BRANDON THOMAS, which I didn't see; but have heard a +first-rate report of it from those who have, and who "know." It might +occasionally change places with _A Commission_. However, this is but +a suggestion, as both the pieces I saw the other night will bear a +second visit. + +_A Commission_ is a short one-act piece, with a sufficiently good +plot, and every part in it a character, except "_Parker_, the +Maid"--and here let me enter a solemn protest against the further use +of "PARKER" as the name of a lady's-maid in farce or comedy. PARKER is +played out. Let her be united to "CHARLES, his Friend," and let both +enjoy their well-earned retirement from the stage. + +Miss LILY HANBURY plays "_Mrs. Hemmersley_, a rich young widow," which +cannot be described as "a poor part." With this LILY, who looks rich +and is beautiful, the poor artist--a very poor artist--one _Marshall_ +(without a Christian name in the bill, so why not _Snelgrove +Marshall_?) well played by Dr. FORBES DAWSON, falls desperately in +love. WEEDON GROSSMITH is very good as the servant--almost better as +the servant than as the author of the piece, and that's saying a good +deal. + +The _Pantomime Rehearsal is_ eminently funny; especially the first +scene between the four men, Messrs. ELLIOT, DANEMORE, GROSSMITH, and +BRANDON THOMAS. As for the last-mentioned, it is well worth a visit +to this theatre to see Mr. BRANDON THOMAS in two pieces, first as the +Model, and then as the Heavy Swell. It is a strong thing to say, but +I can call to mind no actor on the stage at the present moment who +could in two different characters on the same night so completely +and absolutely lose his identity,--for voice, manner, action, and of +course appearance are all utterly changed,--as does Mr. BRANDON THOMAS +as _Gloucester_ the Model, and as _Captain Tom Robinson_. + +All the ladies are good. Miss HELENA DACRE looks magnificent. Then +Miss EDITH CHESTER combines prettiness with fun, and the duet between +her and clever Miss LAURA LINDEN is enthusiastically _encored_--and +deservedly so, for it is seldom that two young actresses will "go in" +for a real genuine bit of nonsensical burlesque, and win. In fact it +is all good, "and if our friends in front" will accept my tip, they +will not find a more "summery" form of entertainment than at Mr. +EDWARDES' TERRY's Theatre. + +JACK-IN-THE-BOX. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT HAPPENED; + +_OR, MANY A TRU(RO) WORD SAID IN JEST._ + +"And the See of Truro, your Gracious MAJESTY?" asked Lord SALISBURY, +as he was packing up his portfolio, previous to leaving the Presence. + +"Ah!" said the QUEEN, "for the moment I had forgot"-- + +"Quite so, your MAJESTY, if you will graciously pardon the +interruption," put in the PREMIER--"that's the very person I would +suggest." + +"Did I mention a name?" inquired the QUEEN, somewhat puzzled. + +"Your MAJESTY," replied the noble Earl, "observed that 'you had +forgot.' I would suggest that the Bishopric of Truro should be _for +GOTT_." Of course it was at once settled, and a _congé d'élire_ +issued. + + * * * * * + +ETON JUBILEE CURIOSITIES. + +[Illustration: FLOREAT ETONA! + +_Mr. Punch_ (_to King Henry's "holy shade"_). "CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR +MAJESTY, ON THE 400TH ANNIVERSARY!"] + + [If the following have been omitted from the Catalogue, any + visitor to Eton is entitled to call on the Provost, Fellows, + and Head Master, and ask for an explanation.] + +1. "_I'm Monarch of all I Survey._" Original copy of ballad sung by +the First Eton Ten-oar. + +2. Old Sketch (landscape) of the Very Cross Roads near Surley Hall. +Also portrait of SURLY HALL himself. + +3. "_A Night on the Brocas_." Old poem, supposed to be the original of +the scene "on the Brocken" in _Faust_. A curious mistake of GOETHE's, +probably due to his not having been educated at Eton. + +4. The original "funny" owned by Master JOSEPH MILLER, supposed to +have provided him with the notion for his first jest. + +*** Also the original jest itself, bottled in high spirits, and in +a fair state of preservation. As clearly as can be deciphered, the +legend is something about "an Indian," "an oarsman," and "feathering a +scull," or "skull." + +5. A dissertation on the text that "The weakest goes to the +Wall," showing how this proverb has been for many years directly +contradicted, not only in theory but in practice during the Foot-ball +time; it being at Eton the strongest who invariably go to "the Wall." + +6. A finely illustrated poem on a bathing subject. It is called +"_The Passing of Arthur_." The picture shows the Masters on the bank +at Cuckoo Ware, while one small natational Candidate is still in a +punt shiveringly awaiting the command to jump in again and swim the +regulation distance. From the title, it may be taken for granted that +this ARTHUR did "pass" after all. Poor little chap! + +7. "_Going a Cropper off the Acropperlis at Athens_." Another bathing +subject--unsigned. + + * * * * * + +MOMUS ON MANIPUR. + + Sentiment, GORST, to your stern soul, + May seem a "Simple Simon;" + But if there _be_ a cheaper _rôle_, + 'Tis that of twopenny Timon! + + * * * * * + +Twin MOTTO.--"_You mustn't speak to the Man at the Wheel_" has become +a proverbial expression. It stood alone. Now it has a companion; it +comes from the hand of "A Master." It is, "_You must not speak to the +Gentlemen of the Jury._" The exceptions which prove this rule are in +favour of the Judge, the Counsel, the Clerk, and the Usher. + + + * * * * * + +THE LOST SERGEANT. + + [In a recent case before Mr. Justice CHITTY, a doubt was + expressed as to whether there was still such an officer as the + Sergeant-at-Arms attending the Courts. His services had not + been required since 1879. After some inquiry, however, he was + discovered.] + + SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, where wert thou? Haply pensioned + In some remote and solitary spot; + By lips judicial never even mentioned, + The Courts forgetting, by the Courts forgot. + Far from thy kind in some provincial village, + Didst thou devote thy hoary age to tillage? + + Didst thou, perchance to lower heights declining + Lately, as busman, strike for higher pay? + Or, to the lash of fate thy soul resigning, + Wear a red cap and drive a brewer's dray? + Or didst thou on a hansom seek to fleece men, + And scorn the fair, and battle with policemen? + + Or, didst thou play (as often I have seen a + Musician play in snow, or sleet, or rain) + The cornet or expansive concertina + Outside a public-house, and all in vain? + Music hath charms, but public-house men mock it, + Let loose an oath, but button up their pocket. + + Or, didst thou write, as some have done, a shocker, + And sell it on the stalls of Mr. SMITH? + Or, write us versicles like FREDERICK LOCKER, + Or, ANDREW-LANG-like, talk about a myth? + Or, by thine own success amazed and staggered, + Make Zulus make thee rich, like Mr. HAGGARD? + + Or, like BUCHANAN, didst thou quite exhaust in + One volume such abuse as fits a barge? + Twitter and chirp like Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN, + Or make a trifle mystically large, + Like SWINBURNE, round whose verse the fog grows stronger + Just in proportion as his lines are longer? + + Whate'er thou didst, where'er thou wert, we found thee. + "Behold!" we cried, "the Sergeant reappears." + Let not our welcome overmuch astound thee, + Whom we have missed through twelve unhappy years. + Restored at length to England, home, and beauty, + Sergeant-at-Arms advance, and do thy duty! + + * * * * * + +ANCIENT "BLOCK SYSTEM" AT ETON. + +[Illustration: _The Head Master_. "Here's _wishing_ you well!" + +N.B.--The rod may not be a _whack-simile_ of the original, but our old +Eton Boy says _it is quite near enough_, and, "in his position at the +time," as he adds with truth, "it was impossible to see it."] + + * * * * * + +The 'Bus Strike being at an end, the newspapers will discontinue +writing _de Omnibus rebus_, and must employ themselves upon _quibusdam +aliis_. + + * * * * * + +"JUST A GOIN' TO BEGIN."--_The Fourth Centenary_ of the Foundation of +Eton College is the Festival of the _First Saint 'Enery_. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 15_.--RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN back +to-night, after long absence. Been up the Nile, calling on PTOLEMY and +PHARAOH, and visiting scenes connected with the early life of Brother +JOSEPH. Much enjoyed the trip; entered House to-night full of life and +energy; suddenly pulled up; hair rose; flesh crept; blood chilled. +Was it true? Could it be possible? Yes; no doubt about it. There was +Prince ARTHUR still lounging on Treasury Bench with MADDEN in reserve. +About a score of Members present, including WINDBAG SEXTON, looking on +with his irritating smile of supreme superiority, whilst SAGE of QUEEN +ANNE'S GATE moved rejection of Irish Land Purchase Bill. + +[Illustration: Brother Dick] + +"Why!" exclaimed Brother DICK, his hair still visibly rising, "when I +was here last, weeks and months ago, they were discussing Irish Land +Bill; Prince ARTHUR sprawled on Treasury Bench; LABBY was denouncing +the Bill as pernicious; and SEXTON, having just sat down and just +going to follow, looked on with sort of pitying toleration of other +people who assumed to know anything of the Bill. Do I dream, or are +there visions about? Think I'll go and pinch JESSE COLLINGS, and see +if I'm awake." + +Yes; wide awake; no mistake about the situation; still harping on the +Irish Land Bill; but, thank a merciful Providence, this is the last +night. JOHN MORLEY, who never shrinks from call of duty, rises, and +makes one of those formal, official, somewhat tiresome protests, +recapitulating objections which everyone only too familiar with +through this gruesome spring and saddened summer. Then SAGE OF QUEEN +ANNE'S GATE cracks a few jokes; MORTON appears on scene; attempt made +to Count Out; talk kept going through dinner hour. At eleven o'clock +Prince ARTHUR rises; benches fill up; then, when everyone ready for +Division, strangers in Gallery startled by mighty roar of execration; +looking round with startled gaze in search of explanation, discover at +corner-seat below Gangway a dapper figure uplifted on supernaturally +high-heeled boots, with trousers tightly drawn to display proportions +of limbs that would have made _Sim Tappertit_ green with envy; a black +frock coat, buff waistcoat, coloured tie, a high collar, a wizened +countenance, just now wrinkled with spasmodic contortion, kindly meant +for an ingratiating smile. + +This is SEYMOUR KEAY. House may roar at him as the dog that crosses +the Epsom Course when the bell rings for the Derby is howled at. He +has, in return for the contumely, only a smile, a deprecatory wave of +the hand and a speech. House keeps up the roar; KEAY waves his ringed +hand, nods pleasantly at the SPEAKER, and at anything approaching +a lull, shouts half a sentence at top of his voice. For full ten +minutes contest continued. Then SPEAKER rises; KEAY sits down, glad +of interval of rest, and hopeful that SPEAKER is about to rebuke his +interrupters. + +"The question is," said the SPEAKER, "that this Bill be now read a +Third Time." Before KEAY realised situation, House is cleared for +Division, and his final speech on Land Purchase Bill remains unspoken. + +_Business done._--Irish Land Bill read a Third Time by 225 votes +against 96. + +_Tuesday._--GORST gave House to-night thorough surprise. The SQUIRE +of MALWOOD brought on Manipur business; moved Resolution asking for +more papers. Incidentally indicted the Government at home and in +India. GORST put up to reply. An average Minister would have made an +ordinary speech; GORST's reply accepted by common consent as the most +extraordinary ever heard from the Treasury Bench since DIZZY left +it. Instead of evading responsibilities, colouring facts, doing what +Ministers usually do when in a fix, GORST simply, boldly, cynically, +told the truth. The SENAPATTI of MANIPUR was an ambitious, capable, +popular man who might breed mischief for the rule of the EMPRESS +of INDIA. So the SENAPATTI must be got rid of at earliest possible +moment, and in most absolutely complete fashion. Arbitrary this; +tyrannical perhaps; unjust possibly. None of GORST's business to +defend or extenuate it. All he could say was it is not a new thing; +done wherever British flag waves under foreign skies; in New Zealand +with the Maori King; in South Africa with CETEWAYO; in Egypt with +ARABI; in the Soudan with ZEBEHR. "In India," said GORST, leaning his +elbow lightly on the table, "they have always hated and discouraged +independent and original talent; always loved and promoted +mediocrity." + +As he finished this pregnant and delightful aphorism, GORST looked up +at the Peers' Gallery, where sat his Chief, GRAND CROSS, successor of +CLIVE in the Government of India. His glance travelled downward, till +it rested on the Treasury Bench, and fell gently on the figure of OLD +MORALITY. + +How DIZZY would have delighted in this speech, with this last +exquisite touch! The SQUIRE of MALWOOD, in his secret breast, not less +appreciative; but debate must be kept up, and he joined in the hue +and cry with which Mediocrity resented this fresh and original way +of treating things. Even CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN shook his head. "It is +brilliant," he said, "but it is not discretion." + +_Business done._--A good deal. + +_Thursday._--Government met with awkward defeat on Factories Bill. +Not quite certain to whom they chiefly owe it, whether to GORST or +MATTHEWS. Question arose on SYDNEY BUXTON's Amendment, raising the +age of child-labourers to a minimum of eleven years. Debate lasted all +night; a pleasant contrast to the unreality of Irish Debate; Benches +crowded; audience interested; speeches practical; GORST in attendance, +though doubtful whether he would speak. Usually sits in modest +retirement under shadow of SPEAKER's Chair. To-night marked slight +difference of opinion from his colleagues by taking up corner-seat on +Treasury Bench by Gangway, quite out of reach of hand-shake from HOME +SECRETARY. + +[Illustration: No Relation of Prince Arthur's.] + +MUNDELLA, longing to be at MATTHEWS, waiting on Front Opposition +Bench; MATTHEWS, earnestly desiring collision with MUNDELLA, lingered +the long night through on Treasury Bench. At last dragged into arena +by JOHN MORLEY. Painfully conscious of GORST on his right hand. Why +couldn't he go away? Why sit there smiling when MATTHEWS floundered, +and why turn over the pages of the Blue Book with such subtle air +of contradiction when MATTHEWS quoted from proceedings of Berlin +Conference? + +As midnight drew on, excitement increased. Uncertain how Division +would go. Rumours of possible defeat of the Government; AKERS-DOUGLAS +moving about smiling; therefore all must be well. House surging with +excitement; movement to and fro; a buzz of conversation rising above +the voice of Member addressing the Chair. Only one placid figure under +the glass roof. Seated in side Gallery facing Treasury Bench was J.S. +BALFOUR; (no relation of Prince ARTHUR's, _bien entendu_) Question +put; Division bell rang; the bustle of eight hundred departing feet +disturbed J.S.B., and, stepping carefully down from the inconveniently +high Bench, he walked out to take part in the Division. + +"All very well, dear TOBY," he said, "talking about eleven being the +age for half-timers. Eleven seems to me about the figure at which we +should knock off here. When it gets on to twelve in this hot weather, +I almost feel as if I could go to sleep." _Business done._--SYDNEY +BUXTON's Amendment to Factories Bill carried by 202 Votes against 186. + +_Friday._--Question to-night, how would Government take their defeat +of yesterday? Soon settled; at earliest moment MATTHEWS appeared +at table, announced that Government "fully and cordially" accepted +decision of House. It was true that they had resisted, with fullest +strength, SYDNEY BUXTON's proposal. He himself, in powerful speech, +had demonstrated that, if Amendment were added to the Bill, the +heavens would fall, and the British Empire would stagger to its doom. +But that only his play; GORST really obliged to the House for beating +them, and Clause would be added to Bill. Done accordingly. Report +stage of Factories' Bill run through, and Third Reading taken. + +Odd thing befell the universe last week. Happening to mention in this +Diary WOOTON ISAACSON, Member for Tower Hamlets, the dissolute Artist +drew fancy portrait of LEWIS ISAACS, Member for Newington; labelled +it from _Dod_, "A Progressive Conservative." Oddly enough, both +ISAACS and ISAACSON write themselves down in _Dod_ "A Progressive +Conservative." So our Artist (occasionally quite clear-headed), +got mixed up with the family; descended, so to speak, from ISAAC to +ISAAC'S SON. Not quite sure to which apology is due. Just as well +to mention it, so that, when the New Zealander reads his _Punch_ a +century or two hence, he may have a clear conception of the actuality. +_Business done_.--Quite a lot. + + * * * * * + +MORE RUSSIAN TYRANNY.--_Punch_ is not admitted into Russia unless +bound. + + * * * * * + +"THE SHODKIN." + + [In a Jewish divorce case it was alleged that the petitioner + and respondent had been brought together by a "Shodkin." The + Shodkin, it was explained, was a person who brought about + marriages between members of the Jewish community, and was + paid a fee by one or both the parties.] + + "I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word."--_Merchant of Venice_. + + "Give me new rhymes," the poet cries, + "I want another rhyme for 'bodkin,'" + And here comes dropping from the skies + That comfortable word, "the Shodkin." + + Long have I racked my brain for rhymes, + I tried to drag in Mr. GODKIN; + On Friday last I read my _Times_, + _Eureka!_ down it goes--the Shodkin. + + We live by verse, and how shall we + This Hebrew middle-man disparage, + To whom religion grants a fee, + Paid by both sides, for making marriage? + + Nay, Jew, we thank thee for the word, + For Fate two Jews might haply sever; + The busy Shodkin comes as third, + And swiftly makes them one for ever. + + * * * * * + +AN OPERATIC PUZZLE. + +I had been informed that it was no use buying a book of _Mireille_, +as those sold in the house were of a somewhat light and mis-leading +character. So I didn't. But I had a programme, and fortunately I was +able to recognise most of the singers in spite of their disguise. Also +I comforted myself with the official information that the piece was +to be performed, "by desire, in French." "Oho!" says I, to myself, +"there is some sensible person on the Committee who doesn't understand +Italian, and prefers 'French as she is sung.'" However, I recognised +but one of the Covent Garden Committee men present, and he was there +only in a casual sort of way. DRURIOLANUS wasn't _en évidence_; +probably at home rehearsing various effects with a view to receiving +the Imperial Majesty of Germany. These receptions, including "such a +getting up (and down) stairs," walking with crab-like action, require +a lot of rehearsal, not to mention the management of a sword which +is apt to be dangerous only to the wearer, and the carrying of +wax-lights, the effect of which on his official Court dress may recall +to the mind of the Operatic Manager the celebrated name of GRISI. +There was no one in authority to tell me anything about _Mireille_, +and this is what I made out of the plot. + +_Mireille_, Miss EAMES, charming throughout, is a happy peasant +in beautiful little patent leather shoes, which, I hope, are +as easy as apparently are her circumstances. She is beloved by +one _Vincent_, pronounced _Van Song_, a peasant of a rather +Whitechapelish-costermongerish-out-on-a-Sunday appearance, but +picturesque withal. They are engaged; at least, if they are not they +ought to be. Then comes a handsome elderly lady, disguised like a +fairy godmother in a pantomime before she throws off her hood and +announces her real character, and this lady, called _Taven_ in the +bill, is Mlle. PASSAMA, who sings a song about a _papillon_, for what +particular reason I do not know, except to please the audience, which +it did, being encored, and to puzzle _Mireille_, in which it also +succeeded, if I might judge by Miss EAMES's expressive countenance. +And here I must observe that I found my intimate acquaintance with +the French language almost useless, for except an occasional "_oui_," +given, as _Jeames_ has it, "in excellent French," and for some +allusions to "_le papillon_" just mentioned, and "_et alors_"--which +didn't help me much, even when given twice most dramatically by M. +ISNARDON,--I couldn't catch a single word, and as far as libretto +went, it might have been, for me personally, given in double-Dutch, +or the dialect of a South-African tribe. + +[Illustration: The Wicked Vibrato Peasant with the big +Toasting-cum-Tuning-Fork.] + +On the disappearance of _Taven_,--[she didn't take off her cloak, and +wasn't a fairy, which rather put me off the scent, I admit,]--in comes +a gorgeous person, six feet high at least, and stout in proportion, +who, as I gathered from the programme, was _Ourrias_ (what a name!), +played by Signor CESTE, and sung with a kind of double vibrato stop in +his organ, which seemed, when turned on full, to make the upper boxes +quiver. Well, in he comes, and tells _Mireille_ something--what, +I don't know--but this is how the row began, as, in less than five +minutes, two old men, one M. ISNARDON, dramatic and in tune, and +the other, not mentioned in my programme, and therefore pardonably +somewhat out of tune, enter and commence a rumpus; what the difficulty +was all about I am not clear, but the upshot was that the old man in +tune cursed his daughter, and the old man out of tune held back his +son VINCENT, and prevented him from first assaulting and then being +assaulted by the irate _Maître Ramon_, i.e., M. ISNARDON. The Chorus +of Unhappy Villagers forms _tableau_. End of Act the Second; in Act +the First there was no action at all, and everything had gone off as +pleasantly as possible. + +[Illustration: The Happy Peasant Boy with his Long Pipe.] + +Then, in Act III., there is a sandy desert--where?--Egypt?--Heaven, +AUGUSTUS HARRIS, and the scene-painter, only know--and here comes on +a mighty illigant shepherd with a pipe--to play, not to smoke--and +one clever person near me was sure it was Miss EAMES in disguise, but +it turned out to be Miss REGINA PINKERT, a piper of whom some present +would willingly have paid to hear a little more; but she vanished, +probably in search of her flock in the desert,--by the way, an +excellent place for golf this desert,--and then in came _Mireille_ and +_Taven_, when the latter, I fancy, tells _Mireille_ of the crime she +has witnessed in the previous scene, which, I regret to say, I have +omitted to mention from motives of delicacy. But alas! I can no longer +conceal the fact. In that previous scene _Mr. Ourrias_ had behaved +very badly in first losing his temper, and then sticking a dagger into +poor _Vincent Lubert_, who fell down behind a rock, presumably dead. + +The golf-ground is cleared off, and we are back again in front of the +village church. But at this moment a person, who knew all about it, +whispered, "If you want to get your cab, and escape the crush, now's +the time, as the Opera is just over." So I hurried off, and to this +moment I haven't the faintest idea how it all ended, and I don't quite +understand how it began. However, I have recorded my impressions, +confused probably, but--the music is very pretty, and Miss EAMES very +charming. + + * * * * * + +PARENTAL AUTHORITY. + +_Typical British Father_ (_according to the Home Secretary_). Now, +come, JANE and JIM, bundle up to your work. Look sharp! + +_Government Inspector_. No, Mr. SIKES, I think not. Your youngsters +have not touched eleven yet. + +_Typical British Father_. But they're over ten. + +_Government Inspector_. That don't matter. The age is altered. You'll +just send your young kids back to the Board School again. + +_Typical British Father_. Well, I call it downright robbery. Why, they +supports me, they do; and what more fitter work can you find for the +kids, but to support their parients with the sweat of their brow. Why, +I thought the 'OME SECRETARY was all on our side. + +_Government Inspector_. Well, he's been beat, that's all. The country +don't see the fun of sending children of tender years away from their +proper training, to wear out their young bodies and poison their young +systems in beastly close, ill-ventilated work-rooms, and all just to +bring in an extra bit of money to enable their parents, like you, to +laze and loaf at home, and, maybe, spend their hardly-earned wage on +drink. However, you'll have to dock it, Mr. SIKES. + +_Typical British Father_. Well, I call it downright bloomin' robbery. +It's more. It's a invasion of the sacred rights of the British +working man's domestic home. It's a infringement of the liberty of the +subject, that's wot it is. It's a teaching the young 'uns rebellion +against their natural protectors. It's a bloomin' shame! + + [Government Inspector _leads them off delighted_. Typical + British Father _left swearing_. + + * * * * * + +UNSELFISH HELP BY SMILES.--"Dr. QUAIN's advice to doctors," says +Mr. JAMES PAYN in the _Illustrated London News_, "always 'to look +cheerful,' ought to be written in letters of gold." So it is: in +notes, or cheques. When the eminent novelist has to send for Dr. +QUAIN, the latter will beam on him, and tell him a good story. The +labour he delights in will "physic PAYN." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EGOISM OF GENIUS. + +_Fond Mother_. "DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE EVENING PAPERS, MORTIMER?" + +_Minimus Poet_. "WHY, IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT _ME_ IN THEM?" + +_Fond Mother_. "NOT THAT I KNOW OF, DARLING." + +_Minimus Poet_ (_pettishly_). "GOOD HEAVENS, MOTHER, THEN WHAT ON +EARTH SHOULD I WANT TO _SEE_ THEM FOR?"] + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL ASIDES; + +OR, TRUTH IN PARENTHESES. + +(_VERY FREELY ADAPTED FROM_ THOMAS HOOD.) + +_Fond Mother_. I really take it vastly kind, + This visit, my dear creature! + A family likeness here you'll find. + (Like _hers_? Not in one feature!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Only too happy, I am sure, + To see the little darling, + Our family friendships _are_ so pure! + (They find effect in snarling.) + +_Fond Mother_. Well, dear, with _your_ experience, + Your aid must be of value. + You've not yet given its help immense. + (Nor, if I know it, _shall_ you!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Ah! Good Nurse G-SCH-N, is she out, + That you the babe are dandling? + Sweet-tempered child and strong, no doubt! + (The brat wants careful handling.) + +_Fond Mother_. G-SCH-N and D-KE are both at hand, + But I'm so proud to show it. + The weakness _you_ will understand + (Envious, and knows I know it!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Mothers must be as vigilant + As--say 'Bus-strikers' pickets. + It cries, dear! What does baby want? + (Half-starved, and has the rickets!) + +_Fond Mother_. Which, think you, the best Infant's Food? + You see there are so many; + I know your judgment is so good! + (Not worth a single penny!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Well, dear, don't swaddle it too tight. + That ruins the digestion, + And--Forster's Food I've found work right. + (She'll relish _that_ suggestion!) + +_Fond Mother_. Humph! Rather out of date, I fear! + You've slight experience--_lately_-- + Next time you nurse you'll know, my dear! + (She'll like that home-thrust _greatly_!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Your nursing, dear, of course, is based + Upon my Nursery Manual. + The child looks _rayther_ peaky-faced. + (Not quite a hardy annual!) + +_Fond Mother_. Think so? Look up, and laugh, my sweet, + Show NANA she's mistaken-- + It quite begins to "feel its feet." + (With spite her soul is shaken!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. I understand your family + Call it "The Changeling." Why so? + The family likeness _all_ must see. + (It squints with the left eye so!) + +_Fond Mother_. Oh! there are always _some_ cross things + In _every_ Family Party. + _Your_ mother's heart has felt such stings! + (She'll think of JOE and HARTY!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Well, well, with my advice, my dear, + And lots of Liberal Tonic, + Your child we possibly may rear. + (That's one for Old Sardonic!) + +_Fond Mother_. Oh! really you are quite _too_ kind! + Your own "Home-Rule Elixir" + Unfailing for your babes you find? + (Fancy _that_ dart will fix her!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. You see we breed, and nurse, our own; + _We_ do not steal or borrow. + However, dear, I must be gone. + (To call again to-morrow!) + +_Fond Mother_. What! must you go? Next, time no doubt. + You'll give more Liberal measure. + Nurse G. shall see you safely out, + (With most particular pleasure!) + +_Friendly Visitor_. Don't trouble, dear! The bell I'll pull, + And, bid them call my cabby! + Good bye! The Babe's be-you-ti-ful! + (_A Flabby, Dabby, Babby!!!_) + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE LAST OF IT. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Would you kindly suggest to Mr. CALDERON, in the +interest of Historical and religious Art, that he should give us for +next year's Academy, as companion-picture to his "_St. Elizabeth," +"Cardinal Wolsey, in his old age, left naked to his enemies._"--Yours, +_artfully_, A SHAKSPEARIAN READER, BUT NO LATIN SCHOLAR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PARLIAMENTARY ASIDE. + +FRIENDLY VISITOR (_effusively_). "IT IS INDEED A BE-UTIFUL CHE-ILD! +(_Aside._) _FLABBY, DABBY BABBY!!_"] + + * * * * * + +"KNOWLEDGE IS INVALUABLE!" + + SCENE--_Royal Commission of the Future. Commissioners present. + Last Witness under examination._ + +_Chairman_. And now, my lad, you have learned everything. + +_Witness_ (_modestly_). Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen, up to a certain +point. + +_Chairman_. Quite so--you have, generally speaking, an education +rather better than an average City Clerk? + +_Witness_ (_in the same modest tone_). So I am given to understand. + +_Chairman_. What is your father? + +_Witness_. An artisan. But pardon me, I think I can anticipate and +answer the next question. I am entirely unfit to follow my parent's +calling--physically and morally. My frame has been weakened by study, +and my education prevents--. + +_Chairman_ (_interrupting_). Just so. We can hardly expect a lad of +fourteen who is good enough to floor the London matriculation taking +to bricklaying? (_Murmurs of general assent_.) Well, my boy, have you +tried to get a clerkship? + +_Witness_. Alas! yes, indeed I have, my Lord and Gentlemen. I have +tried everywhere to obtain employment, but without success. + +_Chairman_ (_sympathetically_). Dear me! Very sad! But come, my +lad, we have given you something more than an ordinary commercial +education--you have acquired accomplishments. + +_Witness_. Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen; but, believe me, they are +valueless. I am an excellent violinist, but there is no room for me at +the theatres. It is true I might, by paying my footing, secure a place +in a strolling band, consisting of a harp and a cornet, but I have +conscientious scruples against earnings gained at the doors of a +public-house. + +_Chairman_. Certainly. Besides, I fancy you make too light of the +difficulties of securing such a position. A Witness, who gave very +much the same evidence as yourself, declared it was impossible to gain +admission even to a German Band. But you have learned drawing? + +_Witness_. Yes; but I find the accomplishment valueless as a +bread-winner. I would do pastels on the flag-stones were not the +supply of artists in this particular line greatly in excess of the +demand. Besides, the police move them on. + +_Chairman_. Well, my lad, what can you do for yourself? + +_Witness_. Nothing; and consequently, my Lord and Gentlemen, I hope +you will do something for me. + +_Chairman_ (_after consultation with his colleagues_). As you have +been educated up to a point rendering you valueless at fourteen, +we shall have much pleasure in recommending that your studies be +continued until your education will be equally valueless at nineteen. +If this scheme does nothing else, it will keep you employed for the +next five years! [_Scene closes in upon the Report._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SCIENTIFIC CENTENARY.] + +_Faraday_ (_returned_). "WELL, MISS SCIENCE, I HEARTILY CONGRATULATE +YOU; YOU HAVE MADE MARVELLOUS PROGRESS SINCE MY TIME!"] + + * * * * * + +ORATORIO, AS HANDLED AT THE C.P. + +The Tenth Triennial Handel Festival. Programme extends over three +days, Monday, to-day the 24th, and Friday the 26th. The singers are +Madame ALBANI, Miss MARIAN MCKENZIE, Messrs. SANTLEY, EDWARD LLOYD, +BARTON MCGUCKIN, BRIDSON, and BRERETON--the last pair seeming to come +in like the "two pretty men" of nursery history, 'yclept "ROBIN and +RICHARD." The great organ cannot be played without EYRE and bellows. +The Conductor to the musical omnibus is AUGUST MANNS, or more +appropriately, JUNE MANNS. _Motto_.--"MANNS wants but little here +below, but he wants that uncommonly good"--and more than good it is +safe to be in the hands of the Conductor whose name is indicative of +quantity and quality. _Salvete, Homines!_ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Baron is getting along with GEORGE MEREDITH's _One of Our +Conquerors_. Within the last three weeks he has already reached p. +94 of Vol. I, and here the weather, having suddenly become tropical, +the Baron felt that his mighty brain "whirled, swam to a giddiness, +and subsided." He has been stopped occasionally _en route_; he had +come into view of "_the diminutive marble cavalier of the infantile +cerebellum_." Then he retraced his steps, puzzled a bit, but after +a "modest quencher" Swivellerian libation, he hit upon a luminous +passage which warned him "_in plain speech_"--and whose is plainer +than GEORGE MEREDITH's?--"_that the Bacchus of auspicious birth +induces ever to the worship of the loftier Deities._" Excellent i' +faith! And then the Baron smole, as one who is interiorly enlightened +smileth as he read, "_Forbear to come hauling up examples of malarious +men_"--("'malarious men' is good," quoth the Baron)--"_in whom these +pourings of the golden rays of life breed fogs; and be moved, since +you are scarcely under an obligation to hunt the meaning_"--(here the +Baron wondered within himself. Was he under an obligation or not? +In _foro conscientiæ_ the case was set down for that immortal date. +"_To-morrow_")--"_in tolerance of some dithyrambic inebriety of +narration_ (_quiverings of the reverent pen_) _when we find ourselves +entering the circle of a most magnetic popularity._" Here the Baron +paused. Somehow, in his search after truth, he had fallen down some +seventy pages, and was on his back again at p. 33, Vol. I. Refreshment +was necessary. Iced. Also a Nicotinian sacrifice, as of primitive +days, when heifers, adorned, not altars, but weeds, vegetables, and +early produce only. _Smokeamus! Veni, vidi, visky!_ 'Fore GEORGE! Your +health and novel! + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"AS EASY AS ABC." + +_Witness of the Labour Commission_ (_under examination_). Yes, I think +that employers should be forced by law to give in to their men. + +_Question_. But should this lead to bankruptcy, what then? + +_Witness_. Bankruptcy should be legally abolished. + +_Question_. Should employers have no money to pay the employed? + +_Witness_. That duty should be discharged by the Government. + +_Question_. But bow should the loss be supplied--by the imposition of +new taxes? + +_Witness_. Certainly not. Taxation should be entirely abolished. + +_Question_. Then how could your scheme be carried out? + +_Witness_ (_courteously_). That is a matter I leave entirely to the +discretion of the Government. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORATIO LARKINS VISITS THE NAVAL EXHIBITION.] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + ABC of Ibsenity (The), 239 + About the Court, 147 + Accident on the Ice, 35 + Acting--on a Suggestion, 120 + Adopted Child (The), 222 + "Advance, Australia!" 126, 268 + Agricultural Tripos (An), 221 + Alarmed Autocrat (The), 282 + All Adrift; or, Three Men in a Punt, 270 + Among the Immortals, 217 + Amusing Rattle's Note-Book for 1891 + (The), 12, 36, 45 + Another's, 177 + Another Telephonic Suggestion, 150 + Appropriate, 12 + Arbitration, 30 + Aristotelian Treasure-Trove, 57 + Arthur and Composer, 65 + Artist and a Whistler (An), 72 + "As Easy as ABC," 309 + Athletics, 123 + At the End of the Year, 9, 23 + Auditors in Wonderland, 15 + BACCHUS Outwitted; or, The Triumph of Sobriety, 203 + Baconian Theory (A), 210 + Bar Barred! 145 + Bendigo, 287 + "Beroofen!" 281 + "Better Late than Never!" 71, 157 + Bitter Cry of Outcast Competition, 255 + Blondel up to Date, 144 + "Blood" _v_. "Bullion," 234 + Boat-Race Ten Years Hence (The), 137 + Bogey, Man! (The), 63 + Bowls, 233 + Bow-wow! 193 + Bravo, Bagshawe! 98 + Breach of Veracity (A), 27 + Breakfast Table-Talk, 254 + Bruin Junior, 62 + Brum and the Oologist, 99 + Brummagem Bolus (A), 173 + Brustle's Bishop, 64 + Bumble at Home, 18 + Burns versus Burns, 26 + 'Busmen's Alphabet (The), 287 + 'Bus 'Oss's Mems (A), 289 + By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current Fiction, 123 + CANADIAN Calendar (A), 99 + Can a Man Imprison his Wife? 209 + Candour in Court, 93 + Canine Confidences, 39 + Can(nes)did Confession (A), 78 + Capital and Labour Forecast, 51 + Celt again! 108 + Chambers in St. James's Street, 120 + Change for Thirty-five Shillings, 246 + Change of Initials, 45 + Charles Keene, 33 + "Charles our Friend," 159 + Charlie and Sarah, 69 + Child's Chit-Chat, 273 + Christmas in Two Pieces, 16 + "Chucked!" 122 + Church and Stage, 135 + Civil Service Note, 96 + Codlingsby Junior, 257 + Coliseum--at Chicago (The), 275 + Columbia on her Sparrow, 74 + Coming Dress, 195 + Coming Meeting (A), 39 + Compensation, 21 + Competition in the Future, 256 + Complaint of the Census (A), 177 + Composer Coming (The), 21 + Coriolanus, 102 + Court Cold! 153 + Coy Colossus (A), 299 + Criticising the Calendar, 168 + Crummles Redivivus! 61 + Curate to his Slippers (The), 24 + DANCING-ON-NOTHING Girl (A), 141 + Dante not "in it," 159 + Day in the Law Courts (A), 279 + Dead Frost (A), 71 + Dearness and Dearth, 62 + Desdemona to the Author of "Dorian + Gray," 123 + Diary of an Old Joke (The), 180 + Diary of Dover (A), 135 + Disclaimer (A), 210 + Disinfecting the Wigs, 215 + Dis-Order of the Day (The), 251 + Domestic Melodies, 45 + Drama Then and Now (The), 267 + Dramatic Illustration of an Advertisement, 105 + Dreamy Madness, 66 + Druriolanus and Dancing, 81 + Dumas Up to Army Estimates' Date, 105 + EARL Granville, 179 + Early Closing Movement, 215 + Edwin and Angelina, 5 + Elegy on a Mad Dog (An), 63 + Essence of Parliament, 69, 71, 83, 95, 107, 119, 131, 143, 155, 168, + 191, 204, 216, 225, 232, 251, 264, 275, 287, 299, 304 + Ethics of Match-Boxes (The), 89 + Eton Jubilee Curiosities, 303 + Evenings from Home, 245 + Explanations à la Mode, 292 + Extract from the Report of the G.O.M.'s Birthday Speech at Hawarden, + 36 + "FACTA non Verba;" or, Pierrot in London, 179 + Fair Exchange (A), 174 + Familiarity breeds Respect, 243 + Fascination! 158 + Fashion's Floralia, 219 + Fête or Fate? 129 + Fine Young German Emperor (The), 182 + First Act and the Last (The), 123 + First Visit to the "Naveries," 217 + "Flat, Stale, and Unprofitable," 156 + Flowerless Funeral (The), 99 + "Flowers that Bloom, tra-la!" (The), 141 + For Better or Worse! 57, 201 + Forecast for 1891 (A), 5 + Freezing Point (A), 59 + Friend of Ireland and the Wordy Knife-Grinder (The), 50 + Friend of Labour (The), 183 + Frieze of the Parthenon (The), 60 + From Our Musical Box, 51 + Fruit of the Session (The), 294 + GAME of Peace (The), 40 + Garden of Sleep (The), 206 + "General Election Stakes," 258 + General of the Future (The), 300 + General View of "Private Inquiry" (A), 48 + Geographical, 254 + Giving a Lodger Notice to Quit, 131 + Good Devon! 45 + "Good Little 'Un is better than a Bad Big 'Un" (A), 110 + Goschen cum Dig.; or, The (far from) Dying Swan, 146 + G.P.O. Cuckoo (The), 145 + Grand Old Wetterun (A), 149 + Great Disappointment, 17 + Great Whaling Expedition (The), 114 + "Grey Apes of Age," 288 + HAGIOLOGICAL and Historical Note, 48 + Hands as they are Shook, 153 + "Happy New Year!" (A), 6 + Happy Prospect, 120 + Hearthily Welcome, 183 + Heinrich Schliemann, 15 + "Here we are Again!" 74 + Hero's Common Form Diary (The), 2 + Herrick Up to Date, 177 + Highest Education (The), 81 + "Hired Priest" (The), 288 + History and Art, 243 + Homage to Sir James Hannen, 60 + "Honours Easy!" 23 + How it Happened, 302 + How it's Done, 88 + How Long? 269 + Humour o't! (The), 219 + Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner (The), 90 + Hymen and Cupid, 210 + IAGO on the Great Sermon Question, 121 + I'd be a Criminal, 36 + Ignotus, 178 + In a Maze, 246 + In a Lock.--A Whitsuntide Warble, 251 + Information required, 59 + In-Kerrect Kerr, 198 + In the Latest Style, 11 + In Memoriam, 65, 189 + In Memoriam--"Old To-morrow," 289 + In re the Influenza, 252 + In their Easter Eggs, 165 + "In the Name of the Law--Photographs!" 145 + Invective of H-rc-rt (The), 182 + Irish Diamond (An), 179 + JACK'S Appeal, 53 + Jokim and John, 213 + Jokim the Cellarer; or, The Blend, 231 + Jokim's Latest, 167 + Jolly Young Waterman (The), 149 + Junius Judex, 74 + "KEEP your Hare on!" 137 + Kensington Correspondence, 133 + Kensington Gardens Small Talk, 129 + Kept in the Stable, 138 + Key to a Lock (The), 201 + Key to the Proposed Heraldic Device, 243 + King John at Oxford, 93 + King Stork and King Log, 134 + Knowledge is Invaluable, 309 + Koch Sure! 42 + LABOURS for Lent, 73 + Land and Brain, 186 + "La Rixe," 119 + Larks! 48 + Last Song (The), 231 + Latest in Telegrams (The), 117 + Latest "Labor Program" (The), 249 + Launce in London, 14 + Leaves from a Candidate's Diary, 167, 171, 181, 203, 205, 228, 233, + 249, 261, 268, 280, 289 + Legal Maxims, 156 + Le Prince s'amuse, 297 + Lights o' London (The), 87 + Listening to the Gentle Kooen, 101 + Lost in the Mist of Ages, 21 + Lost Sergeant (The), 303 + MAGAZINE Manners, 177 + Men who have taken Me in--to Dinner, 105, 129, 165 + Mere Suggestion for Next Time (A), 143 + Merry Green Wood (The), 165 + Micky Free in Paris, 177 + Mitred Misery, 280 + Mixture as Before (The), 265 + "Model Husband" Contest, 61 + Modern Brigand (The), 297 + Modern Types, 73, 185, 196, + Moi-Mem, 81 + Moltke, 213 + More Ibsenity, 125, 138 + More Kicks than Halfpence, 171 + "Mors et Vita," 195 + Mortuary, 293 + Most Appropriate, 39, 87 + M.P. Manfield, M.P., 97 + Mr. Herkomer and Mr. Parnell, 207 + Mr. Jonathan and Miss Canada, 131 + Mr. Punch's Pocket Ibsen, 136, 148, 157, 172, 184, 193, 208, 220, + 241, 253 + Mr. Punch's Prize Novels, 13, 28, 37, 85, 100, 112, 169, 229, 244 + Mr. Punch to Miss Canada, 107 + Mrs. Gingham on the Great 'Bus Question, 297 + Mrs. Grundy to Mr. Goschen, 99 + Musical Notes, 217, 300 + Musical, Theatrical, and Judicial, 288 + My Lady, 133 + "My pretty Janus, oh, never look so Shy!" 88 + NEWEST Nostrum (The), 263 + New Prayer-Book Revision, 185 + New Tale of a Tub; or, The Not-at-Home Secretary and the + Laundresses (The), 290 + Nolens Volens, 293 + Not Caught Yet! 186 + Note by a Nomad, 81 + Notes from a Nursery-Garden, 240 + Notes on the Royal Academy of 2091, 264 + Nothing like Discipline, 205 + Not Inside Out, 29 + OBVIOUS, 263 + "Odd Man Out," 51 + Ode to Compensation, 237 + "Oh no, we never Mention him! 143 + Old Morality's Christmas Cards and New Year Wishes, 6 + Old Times Revived, 89 + Old Woman and her Water Supply, 81 + Ollendorff in London, 160 + One Pound Notes, 165 + On the River, 289 + Operatic Gossip, 27 + Operatic Notes, 189, 197, 209, 221, 231, 256, 281 + Operatic Puzzle (An), 305 + Other Man (The), 201 + Our Advertisers, 9, 39, 105 + Our Booking-Office, 4, 17, 29, 41, 65, 77, 89, 101, 111, 124, 141, + 149, 161, 180, 191, 196, 213, 221, 239, 245, 257, 276, 285, 293 + Our Opening (Sun) Day! 167 + Our Particular Tip comes off Right, 275 + Our Particular Tip for the Derby, 255 + Out of School, 108 + Overheard at Earl's Court, 237 + Oxford and Cambridge Boat-Race, 156 + "PALMAM Qui Meruit, Ferat!" 302 + Pantomimic Reverie (A), 36 + "Paper-Chase" (The), 78 + Par about Pictures, 90 + Parental Authority, 305 + Pars about Pictures, 4, 27 + Party Peter Bell (The), 215 + Paterfamilias on his Census Paper, 179 + Penny for your Thoughts (A), 252 + Pick of the Pictures (The), 227 + Pink of Courtesy, and a True Blue, 95 + Pint of Half-and-Half (A), 48 + Pioneer in Petticoats (A), 45 + Playing Old Gooseberry at the Hay-market, 52 + Playtime for a Doll's House, 65 + Plea for the Cart-Horse Parade Society (A), 243 + "Please give me a Penny, Sir," 198 + Polite Judgment, 21 + Political Asides, 306 + Politics Up to Date, 11 + Presented at Court, 174 + Private and Confidential, 150 + "Prodigious!" 60 + Proposed Old Etonian Banquet (The), 147 + Proverbs pro Omnibus, 293 + Publisher and his Friends (A), 159 + QUEER Queries, 87, 98, 141, 156, 183, 195, 233, 263 + Query by Ignoramus, 95 + Question of the Knight, 105 + "Quite New and Original," 113 + RAIKES Rex! 155 + Recipe, 267 + Remarkable Conversion, 63 + Reminiscence of C.K. (A), 27 + Repartee to a Spouse, 221 + Return of the Wanderer (The), 192 + Revelations of a Reveller, 129 + Rights and Wrongs of Labour (The), 228 + Rights of Counsel (The), 167 + Rival "Jarvies" (The), 90 + Robert at the Academy, 263 + Robert at the Children's Fancy Ball, 218 + Robert at the Derby, 273 + Robert on English and Foreign Waiters, 239 + Robert on Skatin', 57 + Robert's Xmas Bankwet, 4 + Rolling of the R's (The), 48 + "Rouge et Noir!" 54 + Rough Crossing (A), 132 + SAD Story, 221 + Salisbury's Version, 261 + "Salvage Man" (A), 51 + Same Old Game (The), 108 + Savoy Question (A), 215 + School of Criticism (A), 147 + Seasonable Reply, 21 + Semi-Official Introduction, 21 + Serenade; or, Over the Garden Wall, 86 + Shadows from Mistletoe and Holly, 9 + Shah (Lefevre) and the Sultan (The), 35 + Shakspeare and the Unmusical Glasses. 113 + Shelley Revised, 137 + Shipping Intelligence, 114 + "Shodkin" (The), 305 + Show of the Old Masters at Burlington House, 15 + Silent, Shakspeare, 197 + Somebody's Luggage, 207 + Something in a Name, 123 + Something like a Subscription, 49 + Song of the Bacillus (The), 144 + Songs by a Cynic, 129 + Songs of the Unsentimentalist, 189, 195, 205 + Sons of Britannia, 195 + Sound and Safe, 145 + South African Sentiment (A), 93 + Specimens from Mr. Punch's Scamp-Album, 77, 97, 121, 240 + Still another Chapter of my Memoir, 47 + "Strait" Tip (The), 39 + Strange, but True, 71 + Striking Intelligence, 291 + Striking Times, 125 + St. Valentine's Eve, 84 + "Such a Dawg!", 173 + Sullivanhoe!, 76 + Summer!, 281 + Summery Mummery, 302 + "Survival or the Fittest," 17, 78 + "Sweet Strife," 198 + Sword versus Lancet, 191 + TAKEN upon Trust, 161 + Taking the Census, 173 + Talking by Time, 162 + Ten Minutes' Idyl (A), 165 + "That Con-foundland Dog!", 162 + Theatrical Plunge; or, Taking a Hedda (A), 233 + To a Debutante, 141 + Their "Ibsen-dixit," 75 + "Thermidor" Up to Date, 72 + Three Acres and an Egg, 183 + To a Complimentary Counsel, 111 + To-day's Amusements, 2 + Tolstoi on Tobacco, 85 + To Mlle. Jane May, 229 + Tommy Atkins's Hard Lot, 74 + To Mr. Rudyard Kipling, 83, 105 + Too Civil by Half; or, Past, Present, and Future, 33 + To Rose Norreys as "Nora," 277 + To the Queen of Mays, 240 + To those it may Concern, 159 + Tracks for the Times, 185 + Traveller's Friend (The), 285 + Triumph of Black and White (The), 133 + Tryst (The), 266 + Tyrants of the Strand (The), 285 + UNDER a Civil Commander-in-Chief, 124 + United Service Diary for 1891 (The), 9 + Unrehearsed Effect (An), 29 + "Up, Guards, and Act 'em!" 173 + Upon Afric's Shore, 215 + Upper Note (An), 83 + Up-to-Date Conversationist, 62 + Up-to-Time Table, from the North, 30 + VERY Wildest West (The), 269 + Vice Versa, 51 + Voces Populi, 3, 24, 25, 40, 49, 49, 265, 277, 292 + WAIL from the Tub (A), 301 + Waking Them Up, 53 + Wanted for the Eton Loan Collection, 159 + Way of Westminster (The), 160 + Welcome Back! 54 + What do _you_ Think? 66 + What it may Come to, 181 + What it may Come to in London, 269 + What it will Come to, 180 + What's in a Name? 120, 126, 192 + What they have been Told down East, 293 + "Wherever we Wander," 121 + Why should London wait? 254 + Wilde Flowers, 125 + Wild Welcome (A), 129 + Word to Mothers (A), 45 + "Worse than Ever!" 42 + YANKEE Oracle on the Three-Volume Novel, 195 + +LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + ADOPTED Child (The), 223 + "Advance, Australia!", 127 + Alarmed Autocrat (The), 283 + All Adrift!, 271 + Arbitration, 31 + "Blood" _versus_ "Bullion," 235 + Bumble at Home, 19 + Coriolanus, 103 + Fair Exchange (A), 175 + Fruit of the Session (The), 295 + "General Election Stakes," 259 + "Happy New Year!" (A), 7 + Hymen, Fin de Siècle, 211 + In a Maze, 247 + Kept in the Stable, 139 + Not Caught Yet!, 187 + "Paper-Chase" (The), 79 + Parliamentary Aside (A), 307 + "Please give me a Penny!", 199 + Private and Confidential, 151 + "Retire!--What do _You_ Think?", 67 + Rival "Jarvies" (The), 91 + "Rouge et Noir!", 65 + "Sprat to Catch a Whale!" (A), 115 + "That Con--foundland Dog!", 163 + "Worse than Ever!", 43 + +SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + +[Illustration] + + AMERICAN Bride amid Roman Ruins, 282 + American "Copyright Bill," 131 + Ancient Example of Female Masher, 268 + Appeal Case in the Lords (An), 82 + Applicant for a Boy's Situation, 159 + April Fools, 166 + Arthur Golfour, 130 + Artist's Room good for a Dance, 174 + Assisted Education Bill, 280 + Author and a Pompous Critic, 28 + Authoress and the Looking-Glass, 39 + Baccarat Case in Court (The), 279 + Barrister in Pugilistic Costume, 9 + Bill Sikes and the Electric Light, 87 + Block System at Eton, 303 + Bobby and the Aristotelian MS., 83 + Britannia and the United Service, 194 + Butcher, Dog. and Meat, 93 + Calendar for 1891, 1 + Canoist and Opposition Swan, 146 + Census Day Characters, 178 + Chaplin and the St. Bernard, 38 + Cheap Horse for the Derby (A), 257 + Cloak-room Boy and Crush-Hats, 201 + Cold Reception; or, Parliament Meeting in a Blizzard (A), 46 + Concave Partner Wanted (A), 231 + Cricket in the Commons, 155 + Crossing-Sweeper and a Big Swell, 255 + Crossing-Sweeper and Pavement Artist, 109 + Curate who is a Chalybeate, 143 + Discontented Jurymen, 59 + Doctor's Footman and Visitor, 119 + Drawing a Badger, 25 + Egotistical Poet and the Papers, 306 + Electric Light at St. Stephen's, 70 + Engaging a Partner for a Waltz, 114 + English Art and her Supporters, 207 + English Bookmaker and French Gendarme, 122 + Eton Centenary (The), 303 + Exchanged Hats (The), 138 + Fair American and Two Artists, 258 + Fancy Portrait of "General Idea," 195 + Faraday Congratulating Science, 309 + Fascinating Serpent (The), 158 + Fashion's Floralia, 218 + Father Time's Vanishing Trick, 12 + Fight between Big and Little Guns, 110 + Follies of the Year, 10 + Foreigner quotes Shakspeare at Dinner, 42 + Friends for Forty Years, 123 + General Guzzleton doesn't take Tea, 270 + Gentleman well thrown off his Horse, 261 + Georgie and Mamma's Letter, 171 + German who speaks English not well, 263 + Gladstone, the Knife-Grinder, 50 + Golfour Statue (The), 273 + G.O.M. Variety Entertainer (The), 94 + Goschen the Wine Merchant, 230 + Grand Old Man's Irish Doff, 63 + Grandolph the Prodigal, 226 + Guards and the Common Army (The), 126 + Hamlet, according to Shakspeare, 11 + Harcourt and the Hares' Bill, 182 + Home Secretary and Laundry-Women, 290 + Horse you can Sit on Anywhere (A), 249 + Hunting Man's Hat and Scarecrow, 117 + Hunting with a Drag, 124 + Husband's Departure for Paris (A), 162 + Ibsen in Brixton, 215 + India and the Russian Bear, 62 + Indignant Crossing-Sweeper (An), 191 + Inebriate at the Natural History Museum, 167 + Inflated Safety Skating Costume, 15 + Intelligent Briton and French Blank Verse, 107 + Irish O'Rip van Winkle (The), 34 + John Bull and Miss India, 206 + Jones's Stale Story to Miss Smith, 51 + Judge Jeune in Judicial State, 74 + King Stork and King Log, 134 + Ladies Prig-Sticking, 6 + Lady Godiva and the Electric Light, 294 + Lady Identifying Artist's Portraits, 30 + Landlady and Old Bachelor's Mutton, 275 + "La Rixe," 118 + Larkins at the Naval Exhibition, 310 + Launce and his Dog, 14 + Liking her Cheek, 186 + Literary Stars, 2 + Little Girl and Gentleman Ringing Bell, 27 + London University and the Medical Student, 254 + Lord Archbishop of Nova Scotia (The), 299 + Lord Hartington's different Characters, 298 + Lord Randolph's Career, 214 + Major O'Gourmand's Dry Champagne, 291 + "Matthews at Home," 154 + McDougall and the Cambridge Don, 111 + Metropolitan Railway Types, 18 + Miss Parliament's Dream of a Fancy Ball, 106 + Monsieur van de Blowitzown Tromp, 47 + Mr. Gladstone's New House, 75 + Mrs. Grimwood's Manipur Adventures, 302 + New Curate and the High Pulpit, 234 + Nobleman's New Racer (A), 237 + Old Lady and Linkman in Fog, 99 + "On the Scent!" 57 + Oysters Frozen in their Beds, 81 + Painter's Rejected Picture (A), 219 + Painting on a Pocket-Handkerchief, 222 + "Paul and Virginia" Umbrella, 8 + Pick of the Pictures (The), 227, 238, 243 + Political Boating Party in a Lock, 250 + Political Military Tournament (A), 286 + Pony Treading on Rider's Toe, 210 + Post-Office Cuckoo (The), 145 + Professor Borax and the Listening Lady, 246 + Proposed Heraldic Device for the L.C.C., 242 + Psychical Society and 'Cycling, 203 + Queen Victoria and her Water Babies, 98 + Quiet Time without Omnibuses (A), 297 + Raikes' Progress (The), 190 + Random Aladdin, 142 + Reason for leaving a Theatre early, 213 + Removing an Organ-Grinder, 69 + Rhodes and Mashonaland, 266 + Robert and the German Waiters, 239 + Robert Burns v. John Burns, 26 + Samples of Salisbury, 262 + Sarcastic Bus-Driver and Passenger, 287 + Sea-sick Channel Passengers, 153 + Sergeant-at-Arms' Dream of Bar of the House, 274 + Shah (Lefevre) and the Sultan (The), 35 + Shinner Quartette (The), 47 + Sir William Variety Harcourt, 202 + Skating Curate (A), 66 + Skating during a Thaw, 54 + Sketch from "L'Enfant Prodigue," 179 + Sketch of the Blizzard, 135 + Sport in the Snow, 58 + Swell going to his Tailor's, 147 + Sympathetic Brother Artist (A), 71 + Taken cum (Corney) Grain O! 12 + Tommy and his Toys in Studio, 102 + Trouble in Tom Tiddler's Ground, 278 + Twelfth-Night Drawings for Time, 22 + Two Cronies discussing Old Friends, 183 + Two Influenza Invalids, 292 + Two well-matched Horse-Dealers, 90 + Uncle Sam serenading Miss Canada, 86 + Unsatisfactory Breakfast Bacon (The), 198 + Victory Road-Car (The), 267 + Volunteer Officer Resigning, 170 + Waiters' and Gentlemen's Dress, 95 + War Secretary and Army Doctors, 285 + Would-be Golf-Player (A), 78 + Yankee Lady and the Dead Fox, 83 + Young Lady and the Family Dentist, 150 + Young Lady instructing in Cookery, 251 + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, June 27, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13421 *** |