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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:41:56 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:41:56 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13352-0.txt b/13352-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..59f9142 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1203 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13352 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 23, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION, BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. IV.--THE WILD DUCK. + +ACT I. + + _At WERLE's house. In front a richly-upholstered study. + (R.) a green-baize door leading to WERLE's office. At back, + open folding doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in + which a brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired + Waiters in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts + of "Bravo!" Old Mr. WERLE is heard making a long speech, + proposing--according to the custom of Norwegian society on + such occasions--the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. SÖRBY. + Presently several short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired + Chamberlains, enter from the dining-room, with HIALMAR + EKDAL, who writhes shyly under their remarks._ + +_A Chamberlain_. As we are the sole surviving specimens of Norwegian +nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic sparklers +by enlarging upon the enormous amount we have eaten, and chaffing +HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our host's son, for being a professional +Photographer? + +[Illustration: "Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"] + +_The other Chamberlains_. Bravo! We will. + + [_They do; delight of HIALMAR. Old WERLE comes in, leaning + on his Housekeeper's arm, followed by his son, GREGERS + WERLE._ + +_Old Werle_ (_dejectedly_). Thirteen at table! (_To_ GREGERS, _with +a meaning glance at_ HIALMAR.) This is the result of inviting an old +College friend who has turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on +_him_, indeed! + + [_He passes on gloomily._ + +_Hialmar_ (_to Gregers_). I am almost sorry I came. Your old min is +_not_ friendly. Yet he set me up as a Photographer fifteen years ago. +_Now_ he takes me down! But for him, I should never have married GINA, +who, you may remember, was a servant in your family once. + +_Gregers_. What? my old College friend married fifteen years ago--and +to our GINA, of all people! If I had not been up at the works all +these years, I suppose I should have heard something of such an event. +But my father never mentioned it. Odd! + + [_He ponders; Old EKDAL comes out through the green-baize + door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying copying work. Old + WERLE says "Ugh" and "Puh" involuntarily. HIALMAR shrinks + back, and looks another way. A Chamberlain asks him + pleasantly if he knows that old man._ + +_Hialmar_. I--oh no. Not in the least. No relation! + +_Gregers_ (_shocked_). What, HIALMAR, you, with your great soul, deny +your own father! + +_Hialmar_ (_vehemently_). Of course--what else _can_ a Photographer +do with a disreputable old parent, who has been in a Penitentiary +for making a fraudulent map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The +Chamberlains are not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate +on my head! [_Goes out hastily, feeling it._ + +_Mrs. Sörby_ (_archly_). Any Nobleman here say "Cold Punch"? + + [_Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her out in + search of it with enthusiasm. GREGERS approaches his father, + who wishes he would go._ + +_Gregers_. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you. I am +nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner once, and it's my +firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did. However, +you surely need not have married our GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. +You know very well she was no better than she should have been! + +_Old Werle_. True--but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY. And _I_ am going to +marry _her_--if you have no objection, that is. + +_Gregers_. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother who +is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present moment with the Norwegian +nobility? I am not so overstrained as all that. But really I can_not_ +allow my old friend HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike +mind, to remain in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my +mission in life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his +home is built upon a lie. He will be _so_ much obliged to me! [_Takes +his hat, and goes out._ + +_Old Werle_. Ha!--I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, and I +am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms with the +Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son who loathes me, and who is either +an Ibsenian satire on the Master's own ideals, or else an utterly +impossible prig--I don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter +myself my household affords an accurate and realistic picture of +Scandinavian Society! + +ACT II. + + _HIALMAR EKDAL's Photographic Studio. Cameras, neck-rests, + and other instruments of torture lying about. GINA EKDAL and + HEDWIG, her daughter, aged 14, and wearing spectacles, + discovered sitting up for HIALMAR._ + +_Hedvig_. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a jug +of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. Father is in society, +dining out. He promised he would bring me home something nice! + +_Hialmar_ (_coming in, in evening dress_). And he has not forgotten +his promise, my child. Behold! (_he presents her with the menu card; +HEDVIG gulps down her tears_; HIALMAR _notices her disappointment, +with annoyance._) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining out +and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are disgracefully +tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I am, I won't have any +_beer_ now! What a selfish brute I am! (_Relenting._) You may bring +me just a little drop. (_He bursts into tears._) I will play you a +plaintive Bohemian dance on my flute. (_He does._) No beer at such a +sacred moment as this! (_He drinks._) Ha, this is real domestic bliss! + + [_GREGERS WERLE comes in, in a countrified suit._ + +_Gregers_. I have left my father's home--dinner-party and all--for +ever. I am coming to lodge with you. + +_Hialmar_ (_still melancholy_). Have some bread and butter. You won't? +then I _will_. I want it, after your father's lavish hospitality. +(_HEDVIG goes to fetch bread and butter._) My daughter--a poor +shortsighted little thing--but mine own. + +_Gregers_. My father has had to take to strong glasses, too--he +can hardly see after dinner. (_To Old EKDAL, who stumbles in very +drunk._) How can you, Lieutenant EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman +once, live in this poky little hole? + +_Old Ekdal_. I am a sportsman still. The only difference is that once +I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot tame rabbits in a garret. +Quite as amusing--and safer. + + [_He goes to sleep on a sofa._ + +_Hialmar_ (_with pride_). It is quite true. You shall see. + + [_He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret full of + rabbits and poultry--moonlight effect. HEDVIG returns with + bread and butter._ + +_Hedvig_ (_to GREGERS_). If you stand just there, you get the best +view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of her, because she gives the +play its title, you know, and has to be brought into the dialogue a +good deal. Your father, peppered her out shooting, and we saved her +life. + +_Hialmar_. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not large--but still we +preserve, you see. And my poor old father and I sometimes get a day's +gunning in the garret. He shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate +wife here _will_ call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, +pointed it at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels +who had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He +_didn't_ shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the decisive +moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. Now we +only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very happy and +contented as I am. [_He eats some bread and butter._ + +_Gregers_. But you ought _not_ to be. You have a good deal of the +Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are living +in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will take you out for a walk and explain +what I mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! [_He goes out._ + +_Gina and Hedwig_. What _was_ the gentleman talking about, Father? + +_Hialmar_ (_eating bread and butter_). He has been dining, you know. +No matter--what _we_ have to do now, is to put my disreputable old +whitehaired pariah of a parent to bed. + + [_He and GINA lift old ECCLES--we mean old EKDAL--up by the + legs and arms, and take him off to led as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL. +(_See opposite page._)] + + * * * * * + +KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE. + +_Arms_.--Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in white robes reaching +to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite proper, for _Grace_. 2. +A wildman or ratepayer rampant, for _Thrift_. 3. A bend (or bar) +sinister on a chart vert, for _Bloomsbury_. 4. Three demi-councillors, +wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for _Vacancy_. + +_Crest_.--On a beadle's hat erased, a new broom. + +_Supporters_.--Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, grasping an eyeglass +sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both gorged. + +_Motto_.--"_Ubi nunc sumus?_" + + * * * * * + +FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT. + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A WOULD-BE BUT COULDN'T-BE DUELLIST._) + +_Monday_.--Arrived on the ground ready to fight my opponent to the +death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police +appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp hurriedly. Duel +postponed till to-morrow. + +_Tuesday_.--New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers. +Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law. +Postponement again absolutely necessary. + +_Wednesday_.--Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused at +the precautions we have to take to prevent interruption. Opponent +obligingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of +our little differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection, +but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly +annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow. + +_Thursday_.--Amused to find myself first in the field--my opponent +five minutes late. Both of us had come before the seconds, and so +spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent +not half a bad fellow when you come to know him. Just as he was in the +middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived--with the Police! +Postponement once more imperative. + +_Friday_.--Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed +his yesterday's story--one of the best I have ever heard. Most amusing +chap--should have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselves +uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the opportunity to +settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just +time to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as before. + +_Saturday_.--Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the +acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my opponent. Full of fun and +anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten +what on earth we had quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged +that if we fired at anyone, our target should be the Police. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY. + + All who love English horses, and back English Trade, + Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade." + No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row + Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so. + First-rate English horses in holiday guise! + A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes. + And then the Society--surely _that_ will be + Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY + (Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you no doubt + What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about. + Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses! + That charms a horse-lover. To plump the resources + Of such a Society--by their support + In subscriptions--all friends of the horse and of sport + Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers willing, + Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver shilling! + + * * * * * + +HISTORY AND ART.--Doubts have been thrown on the genuineness of the +story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's +well-known and striking picture in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON +affirms, according to the best of his high lights, that he has simply +portrayed the naked truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is +with him. Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and +painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our part, +we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this picture +illustrates, to some incident in the life of the celebrated Miss +ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY MARTIN." The legend may +be found in some work by that voluminous writer _Finis_, or by the +oft-quoted _Ibid_, under the quaint heading, _Historia Mei et Beati +Martini_. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) + +[Illustration: No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on +the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.] + +[Illustration: No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.] + +No. 278. "_The Fleecy Charge_." A title that suggests an attempt at +extortion, but is here applied to _A picture in wool-work_ by the +veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course whatever the artist may ask +for it, it will always be "sheep at the price." + +No. 388. "_Writing a Message to St. Helena_." Hope St. Helena received +it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as suggested by the name +of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, A. + +No. 519. "_Gorse_." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why certainly, as a matter +of gorse. + +No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "_Eventide_" by KNIGHT. + +No. 1161. "_A Maiden Fair_." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never heard of such a +thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental countries. She seems to +be having all the fun of the Fair to herself. This concludes a series +of Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his +"Tale." "And now my STOREY's done," that is, for this Season. + +SCULPTURE. + +No. 1962. "_Triumph_" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite a triumph. The +SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared with A. JONES. + +No. 2001. "_H.M. Stanley--bust._" Is he? Poor STANLEY! It is to be +hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will forgive the sculptor, who is +C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but +BIRCH'd at last! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XVIII.--MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE. + +(_BY_ R.D. EXMOOR, _AUTHOR OF "BORN A SPOON;" "PADDOCK ROWEL;" "WIT +AND WITTY;" "TIPS FOR MARRIERS;" "SCARE A FAWN;" "'BRELLAS FOR RAIN," +&C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple tales. + Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that haply there + may be some, and they not of the baser sort, who reading + therein as the humour takes them, may draw from it nurture + for their minds. For truly it is in the nature of fruit-trees, + whereof, without undue vaunting, I may claim to know somewhat, + that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrens, ay, even unto + the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath + ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should gather in the + branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too + I have some small knowledge, those that are of the ripest + sort are ever the first to be devoured. And if the public + be pleased, how shall he that made the book feel aught but + gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth + to the faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much + compensating merit."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration] + +Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, turning the +one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the +estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said in our parish) he think +no small beer of himself, hath seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS +TIDDLER, should set down in order some doings wherein I had a share. +And herein I make no show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer +and not skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts, +but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God knows, +there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy +carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man treading sturdily the +winding paths and rough places of his native tongue. Notwithstanding +I take no small encouragement from this, that whereas of those that +have made to my knowledge the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing +(though of this I am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for +the work), the writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, +some, writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement +of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, whereof, +thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, deeming theirs the +happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our good country +cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. Each to +his own fashion, say I, and the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always +been in a manner plain and unvarnished, like to the large oak press +wherein mother stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such +as the mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath +never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing myself +in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance yawns and +stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is paper and ink are +cheaper than when I began to write. + +CHAPTER II. + +Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come home +from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of Cambridge, that our +whole household was gathered together in our parlour. Mother sat by +the head of the great table, ladling out a savoury mess of porridge, +not rashly, as the custom of some is, but carefully, like a prudent +housewife, guarding her own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her +daughters, and next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the +work of the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and +parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and over her +hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour of meandering +pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my marks were always low, +I being better skilled in the giving of raps with the closed fist than +in the making of maps with inky fingers--a bootless toil, as it always +hath seemed to me. Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting +coy glances at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue +sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back to the +shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN DOUBLEFACE" +he was ever called, not without a sly hint of increasing obesity, +for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and sinews, was no small +trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did himself right royally whenever +porridge was in question. All these sat, peaceably swallowing, while +I, at the table's foot, faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with +my forefinger, forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, +lest BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should make +sport of me. + +CHAPTER III. + +Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite that my +bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no desire for my food +that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the burden of my thoughts wore +deeply inward with the dwelling of my mind on this view and on that of +it. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a +jumping on chairs, what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! +For, out of a corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, +and never so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then +mother's old tom-cat, _Trouncer_, slowly rising, stretches his limbs, +and bares his claws, making ready for what is to come, but not, +me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, for rats have teeth, +as _Trouncer_ knows--ay, and can use them to much purpose. Therefore +_Trouncer_, making belief to be brave, as is the custom both of +cats and of others that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their +fore-paws, gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes +GIRT JAN's terrier, _Rouser_, at last--where hath the terrier been +tarrying? Terriers should not tarry--and, with scant ceremony, leaps +upon _Trouncer_. Cuff, cuff, go the claws. _Trouncer_ swears roundly. +Nay, _Trouncer_, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair. +To him, good _Rouser_, to him, my man. But _Rouser_ hath forgot +the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many a day shall +remember. _Rouser_ hath the rat in view. Round the parlour they go, +helter-skelter, _Rouser_ on the tracks of the life-desiring rat, while +the maids upon the chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! +he hath him pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in +rat-land. + +And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but trod him +flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in terror of his +boot; and _Trouncer_ returns, smugly purring, and mother rates the +blushing maids. + +And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the doing. + +CHAPTER IV. + +Now I with _Rouser_ at my heels went manfully on my way. Gaily I went +over the parched brown wastes where lately the flood had lain heavy +upon the land, past the whispering copses of fir and beech and oak +that top the upland, through the yellowing corn that stands waving +golden promise in the valley, till I came to where the land bends +suddenly with a sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, +now swollen to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. +Sudden I stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the +TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, they +being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring moisture +both within and without. Never till my dying day shall I forget the +sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a tuffet, her beautiful +blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, her jug of curds and whey +scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while beside her, lolling at ease with +the slothful stretch of his great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet +in his fierce eyes sat SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER +that would make a feast of her. + +I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my limbs, but +in a moment I was with them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. +Quickly he turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones +cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, and a +hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my +feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with +one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving +him dead and flattened where he lay. + +CHAPTER V. + +Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her fondly, +saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, thinking it only +right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor +darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the +issue of the fight. For 'tis the way of women ever to faint if the +occasion serve and a man's arms be there to prop them. And often +in the warm summer-time, when the little lads and lasses gather to +the plucking of buttercups and daisies, likening them gleefully to +the gold and silver of a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown +matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale +of giant SPIDER and his fate.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +One of our "Co."--and the Baron may observe that, when "Co." is +written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"--has been reading _Sir +George_ (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. HENNIKER has the courage to put +forth in one volume. At the outset, the writing is a little slipshod. +Mrs. HENNIKER has, moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When +she can't summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page +appears the following startling announcement--"The March winds this +year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian would therefore +[why therefore?] never allow her to walk out without a respirator, +till they blew no longer from the East." We assume that, as soon as +respirators blew from the West, this injunction would be withdrawn. +But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets forward in her story, the style improves, +"which's" disappear as they did in _Macbeth's_ time, and the tale +is told in simple strenuous language. _Uncle George_ is a character +finely conceived, and admirably drawn. + +The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for sending +a volume of DE QUINCEY's _Posthumorous Works_. A small dose of +them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, may be confidently +recommended to admirers of _The Opium Eater_, and will probably be +found of considerable value to some who hitherto may have been the +victims of _insomnia_. Highly recommended by the Faculty. + +(_Signed._) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +At the Court Theatre, _Le Feu Toupinel_, adapted for the English +stage as _The Late Lamented_, is decidedly funny, that is, if you can +once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the immoral +vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has +departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his +immoralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out during +his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and +punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the French for +the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an English audience? +That's the point. The run must decide. If the best possible acting can +carry it along, then that it has got; for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has +frequently had better chances, yet she has never worked harder, and +never has she more deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be +said of Mr. STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, +whose make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of +his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's _Mr. +Fawcett_, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of the scenes in +which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. CAPE, as _Parker_, the +Confidential Servant, is excellent. There's plenty of "go" in it, but +will it "stay"? + +Great attraction at the Lyceum! _The Corsican Brothers_ and _Nance +Oldfield_! ELLEN TERRY as _Nance_ is delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, +if you please, "_For_--all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN +is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as _Nance_, +and then as _Mrs. Oldfield_, the actress, in the characters that +_Nance_ assumes. For 'tis ELLEN playing _Nancy_, and _Nancy_ again +playing Tragedy and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never +was so old a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and +they're all Old. There are two _Oldfields_ and two _Oldworthys_. +Mr. WENMAN as _Oldfield Senior_, or the Old Obadiah, is a trifle too +blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not prepared to say that a +country attorney of that period wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. +His son _Alexander_, the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. +GORDON CRAIG, who is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; +but in the whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his +broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, this young +actor may justly describe himself as of the "Touch-and-go" school, and +be, like "the livin' skeleton" mentioned by _Sam Weller_, "proud o' +the title." Miss KATE PHILLIPS as _Anne's_ sister--though, as Mr. +J.L. T-LE observed, as she is younger than _Anne_, she cannot well be +her Anne-sister--is as bright and lively as need be, considering her +menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's house. Visit +Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her very much "at home" in the part. +After which _The Corsican Brothers_ revived, Ghost and all. + +[Illustration: The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the +Lyceum.] + +When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was produced, the +twin who lived in Corsica, Brother _Fabien_, used to behave in the +wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it some years ago does not remember +how he used to chuck his gun up in the air, when it caught on to a +hook in the wall! with what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette +from an enormous flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on +the hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in the +Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the appetite of +Master _Fabien_, who, after a hard day's sport, came in ready for +anything, and ate everything! It was the only occasion when this +fearless son of destiny ever "bolted." But, my! how the food used to +disappear! what a short time the supper occupied, and how very much +third best the poor stranger came off under the hospitable roof of +the _Dei Franchis_. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice +is done to it, _and_ to the weary traveller. Never was such an unhappy +tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of Corsica; he is choke-full +of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to say of course, but he never gets +a chance, as _Fabien_ tells him family stories one after the other, as +if he hadn't had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever +so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother _Fabien_ breaks off +in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can't be +told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like +an opening for some light Boulevardian chit-chat, is presented with a +flat candlestick and bowed off to bed, without being allowed a word to +say for himself. All this is just the same as ever; there have been +no alterations nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned +as are the exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at +the Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and the +latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight of it, do +Messrs. _Irving dei Franchi_ and _M. Terriss de Château Renaud_, until +the latter collapses, and "subsequent proceedings interested him no +more." As long as the strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can +draw a good and shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant +a house as he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this +piece to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a +great play for Doublin'. _Exeunt omnes._ + + * * * * * + +THE EPIDEMIC.--Up to now Members of Parliament have been generally +considered as "influential personages." This year many M.P.'s will be +remembered as "very influenzial personages." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, +BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)! + +_Daughter of the House_. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, HOW DID YOU LIKE +THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DINNER?" + +_The Professor_ (_innocently_). "MY DEAR GIRL, SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST +CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! _I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!_"] + + * * * * * + +IN A MAZE. + + "Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted + was so obscure that he only 'more or less' understood it + himself, and which, indeed, is of '_plusquam_-Thucydidean' + dimness and involution.... There is no excuse, we must say, + for the muddle into which the Government has got over the + Bill.... The House of Commons has adjourned for a short + holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through + Committee.... There still remained all the new clauses, for + which no time had been found."--_Times_. + +_Little Bill loquitur_:-- + + Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you _can_,--and who can if you + can't, Sir?-- + Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I have strayed till I'm + all of a pant, Sir. + Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've been on my feet ever + since, Sir. + And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and the pains in my back + make me wince, Sir. + Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for he only strayed in the + gutter, + While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and _my_ feeling of lostness + is utter. + Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn't + in it. + Oh stop, _do_ stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down half a + minute. + + I really thought you knew the way out--which I own _I_'m unable to guess, + Sir-- + And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled "more or + less," Sir. + The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so jimble-jumbled; + It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along which we have staggered + and stumbled. + I thought you _were_ a cool card. Mister BALFOUR, and did know your way + about. Sir, + But what I should like to know at present is, when we are like to get + out, Sir. + How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who gets lost in his own + Great Maze, Sir! + Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost _your_ way,--you, whom people so + cosset and praise Sir. + You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and you're always as + cool as a cucumber. + Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you see, such a smart + pioneer as are _you_ cumber? + You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool, + and clever. + Yet I feel a doubt. When _shall_ we get out?--which I _can't_ go on + wandering for ever! + +_Mazemaster loquitur_:-- + + Poor little man! Yes, I _had_ a plan, and a perfectly plain one, too, boy; + But--I fear--for a moment--I've--lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully sorry for + _you_ boy! + You have been on your feet for a precious long time, and all this + roundaboutation, + _Is_ "_plusquam_-Thucydidean," perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation. + But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" there's abundance of + "humour" about me, + And though for a jiffy I _seem_ at a loss, don't you come for to go for to + doubt me. + + 'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I've let slip + for a moment, + And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indulge in invidious + comment: + The _Times_, too, may gird, and declare 'tis absurd not to know _one's own + Labyrinth_ better. + The _Times_ is my friend, but a trifle too fond of the goad and the scourge + and the fetter; + You really can't rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip + and the closure; + Though I _should_ enjoy--but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our + composure! + _When shall we get out?_ That's a matter of doubt, cross-hedges my pathway + still chequer, + The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; we'll get clear--if you + keep up your pecker! + + * * * * * + +CHANGE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SHILLINGS. + +There is a singular directness of purpose in the following +advertisement which appears in the _Daily News_:-- + + REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s. + +The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum. +It seems odd. One often wants change for a sovereign, and even oftener +wants the sovereign itself. But what precise coin a man hands you when +he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A MAZE. + +MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M _SO_ TIRED!" + +MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,--AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE +OUT OF IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dealer's Man_ (_confidentially_). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. +JUST SUIT _YOU_, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, SIR!--_YOU CAN SIT ON HIM +A'MOST ANYWHERE!_"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, May 5_.--Received the following letter from TOLLAND +yesterday:-- + +45, _Main Street, Billsbury, May 3._ + +DEAR MR. PATTLE, + +A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the day after +to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the Beaconsfield Club, to +consider some important questions affecting your Candidature and the +plan of campaign to be adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may +be able to make it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive +a wire from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have +lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health is +causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has +attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the +advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which +was backed by the Labour Members. Sir THOMAS, however, abstained from +the division on the Second Reading. It is just possible that, under +the circumstances, he may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds +very shortly, and we must be prepared for every emergency. + +Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND. + +It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the BELLAMYS to +the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the +theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off everything. MARY BELLAMY +will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote specially to her to apologise and +explain. They're sure to get that beast POMFRET to take them instead. +He's always hanging round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's +Confession Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to +show it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):-- + + Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he + _Must_ answer, if he knows what's what, "My favourite name is MARY." + +And this:-- + + The vice I detest and abhor above all + Is not dancing four _times_ with _you_ at a ball. + +And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you rather be, +if you were not yourself?"-- + + I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair, + Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair. + +They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked me, when +I called the other day, if I didn't think it wonderfully clever. I +know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of thought +to get them done in prose, and even then they turned out the most +ordinary, commonplace things. However I thought they pleased MARY, +and now POMFRET steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's +father once published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the +household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she thought +"a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly refined and +delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most selfish and calculating +ruffians outside a convict prison, and always haggles over his +luncheon bills at the Club, till the head-waiter and all the rest +nearly go off their heads. + +However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the Committee +after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some canvassing soon, +and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain myself more fully (1) on +the Temperance Question and the question of Compensation to Publicans; +(2) on the Women's Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; +(4) on Foreign Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main +Drainage Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more +than one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the +Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, in +which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress clothes at +the meetings had annoyed a good many of my supporters, and that +he ventured to suggest to me, for my own good, that I should wear +ordinary dress. It seems a good many of the lower lot thought it +looked uppish. I'm glad enough not to have to do it any more. There +were other points, but I'm too tired to remember them. By the way, I +have subscribed to about a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have +promised to get Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. +Back to London to-morrow. What a life! + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST "LABOR PROGRAM." + +(_BY A NEW-UNIONIST._) + + I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true + That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u." + But, _per contra_, informing my "program" you see + Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS. + +(_By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer_.)] + + * * * * * + +IN A LOCK.--A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE. + + "_Lock! Lock!_"--Shock! Rock! That's a pretty frock bulging over the + gunwale! + She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which is fuming out + of the Steam-Launch funnel. + Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're awfully crowded this + first Spring holiday, + Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious Senators out + for a jolly day + Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot rod with the + toll-net ending it + Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, there are many + worse ways of spending it,-- + Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash for his dry + Exchequer + With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping up his + financial pecker + With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in Cambridge blue are + exceeding bonny; + B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in his element--eh, + my sonny? + And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the stern-sheets yonder would + find the steering + Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with T-M H-LY + jeering. + S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his back--that + broad back of his!--in it. + Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all get out in + another minute. + Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the front when the + lock-gates sever. + What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the skilful, the + dull, the clever, + The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the puffing launch, + and the trim outrigger, + The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter who toils + like a nigger, + All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates shutting + slowly behind them, + And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the + race you may presently find them. + The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might be + handling. Bless us! + Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil like a shirt of + Nessus? + Well, Union_ist_ or Separat_ist_, or chap with a twist like + C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M, + Or howling PAT, or Aristo_crat_ with manners like BRUMMEL and voice + like BRAHAM, + Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial SM-TH, the new-made + Warden, + All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like silver, the + banks a garden, + _Much_ worse might do than tog up in blue and join a crew on the + rolling river, + "Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party or personal, + leaving "liver," + And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all party-jobbers, all + jibbers and jolters, + In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or it might be + BOULTER's! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY. + +_Young Lady_. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE _NEXT_ THING TO DO, AFTER +PUTTING THE MEAT AND POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?" + +_Village Girl_. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15_.--This entry in Diary is dated +from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated in the County I have the +honour to represent. Haven't been to Westminster this week. Hear, +through usual channels of information, that House adjourns to-day +for Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; +a few doors and chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact +is, majority absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us +have formed House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get +through business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at +Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties and all +sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of Committees +still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one of the +Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. JACKSON +looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS whips up the +Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS +ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE +MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, +being supported by GEORGIE HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES +FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. +On Front Opposition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, +OSBORNE AP MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet +arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W. +RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, when +issued. + +CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK LOCKWOOD draws us +out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON BORTHWICK throws an air of +fashionable society around us; the Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall +head in our midst; ISAAC HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating +story of how he discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON +passes the time writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the +Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously fumigated +before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get back to Westminster +(nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through +Committee; and here is the Grand Young GARDNER _and_ his wife--Lady +WINIFRED, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery. + +Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM ROOSE, +whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep," +he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they +storm and fret at Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and +lie reclining. Pleasant to hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his +morning rounds, stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say +'74; Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast +chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; de +Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried +sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of champagne, take +a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear +friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port won't do you any harm." + +Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back to the +grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. _Business done_.--All taking +long breaths. + + * * * * * + +THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.--In the House of Commons on the Motion of +the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P., +be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, Leader of the Opposition, _pro +tem._, moved to amend the Resolution by adding "at once." This was +agreed to _nem. con._ The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to +remove Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might +catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. Influenza +left sitting on Members generally.--_Extract from the Fifteenth of +May's Parliamentary Report_. + + * * * * * + +A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS! + +(_BY A PERPLEXED READER OF THE PENNY PAPERS._) + +[Illustration] + + When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to adopt a suggestion + of GILBERT's), + When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many + walnuts or filberts; + When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social + craze--there are many!-- + Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool for your thoughts + would advance you a penny. + + You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly + shrink from it, harries you. + Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl with a _penchant_ for + you, ups and marries you. + And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,--that figment, that + fraud, that illusion, + Where, _what_ will you be? And you can't find a key to the epoch's + chaotic confusion. + It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what a tyrannic majority + May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to + Authority. + The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can't understand, + nor can anyone, + And _that_ is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if 'tis + not a penny one. + + Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and + maundering; + And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in dim deserts of + Sentiment wandering. + Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Cruscan and + drivelling, + Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," seems a mixture of + diddling and snivelling. + There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his + claws on the Nation, + And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as _he_ thinks) without + compensation; + And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes bedward, must have _his_ + reflections nightmarish! + It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarcest to + govern a parish. + MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives _his_ soul pain--it's + a squeamish one!-- + He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, _not_ a + Beamish One! + These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of a + dust up, + One would think without _them_ we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole + of creation would bust up. + But verily why men should _new_ worship Hymen,--who, just as unshackled as + Cupid,-- + (See decision _Re_ JACKSON), take burdens their backs on, I can_not_ + conceive. It seems stupid + Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose "ownness" there's + desperate doubt of, + And which (if she's _nous_) you can't keep _in_ your house, nor yet (if + she's "savvy") keep _out_ of! + What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter + and fumble. + In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a + jumble. + Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle + (as 'ARRY sees) + Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles + and Pharisees! + Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it + thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad + whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright, + from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter" + and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter + upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone? + I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born + of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, + and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and + curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't + explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions + and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose + lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught, + who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have + sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One! + + * * * * * + +_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA. + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE +LAW COURTS._) + +[Illustration: Catching.] + +Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned +profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found +their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and +beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in +term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed +with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver. +But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable +and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too +ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally +a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the chambers I +occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the Defence in the +cause of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_. It was a Patent Case, and one of +the deepest possible interest. It is my good fortune to know the +Defendant, personally, and it was through his kind offices that the +instructions to appear for him were left at my chambers. My friend +and client (who is unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has +recently patented and produced a most important invention, which +greatly facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those +useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose for +which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable inventions, the +patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring consisting of the section +of the thicker end of an elephant's tusk cut to an appropriate size +and hollowed out. It is necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a +fashion that, when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained +by the adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can +also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and jewels +for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for purchasers of +smaller means. I must say that when the ring was shown to me I was +greatly struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and +could not understand how Mr. QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to +be so badly advised as to bring an action for infringement, merely on +the strength of _his_ patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with +the ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle +closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my duty +to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my case (as I +invariably do) _con amore_. I hunted up all the causes in the Digest, +that seemed to be on all-fours with the matter in dispute, and spent +days in the Public Library of the Patent Office searching for patents +having to do with table-napkins. As the specifications were not +consecutively published, I had to wade through a large number of these +interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For instance, +the first specification I would take out of the box in which it was +kept, would perhaps have to do with house-raising without disturbance +to the foundations, the second would prove to be an article half +umbrella, half revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an +extremely quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself +picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do +nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance of +my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by burglars +by casement concussions. I propose calling this valuable little +instrument (which is founded to some extent on the simple construction +by which the figures in a child's box of wooden soldiers are enabled +to advance and retire in a scissors-like fashion), when produced, the +Policeman's Upper Floor Window Tapper. + +The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a mass of +carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready to defend the +originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, to the death. In my +notes before me I had the skeleton of a really fine oration, which I +felt (if I mastered my normal nervousness) would bristle with epigram, +and thrill with heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply +interested was I in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my +friend's opening, and only became aware of what was happening in +Court by the rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, +and disappeared. I looked at the clock--it was only noon--and, +consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in advance of the time +usually selected for the mid-day adjournment. And then, to my dismay, +I found that his Lordship was suffering from the influenza! Well, +there was nothing to do but to collect my papers, and, assisted +by PORTINGTON, return to my chambers. The next day my head ached +violently, and I could not move. Then I have a recollection +of dictating to my wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I +subsequently discovered were neither despatched nor delivered. + + * * * * * + +When I awoke, I found that the matter of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_ had +been arranged and settled--out of Court! + +_Pump-handle Court._ (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 23, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13352 *** diff --git a/13352-h/13352-h.htm b/13352-h/13352-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef4bfe8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/13352-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1672 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, May 23, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13352 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 23, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" + id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version, by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. IV.—THE WILD DUCK.</h3> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>At</i> WERLE's <i>house. In front a + richly-upholstered study</i>. (R.) <i>a green-baize door + leading to</i> WERLE's <i>office. At back, open folding + doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in which a + brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired Waiters + in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts of + "Bravo!"</i> Old Mr. WERLE <i>is heard making a long + speech, proposing—according to the custom of + Norwegian society on such occasions—the health of his + Housekeeper</i>, Mrs. SÖRBY. <i>Presently several + short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired</i> Chamberlains, + <i>enter from the dining-room, with</i> HIALMAR EKDAL, + <i>who writhes shyly under their remarks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Chamberlain</i>. As we are the sole surviving specimens + of Norwegian nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as + aristocratic sparklers by enlarging upon the enormous amount we + have eaten, and chaffing HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our + host's son, for being a professional Photographer?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/241.png" + alt="'Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!'" /> + </a>"Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!" + </div> + + <p><i>The other Chamberlains</i>. Bravo! We will.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They do; delight of</i> HIALMAR. Old WERLE <i>comes + in, leaning on his</i> Housekeeper's <i>arm, followed by + his son</i>, GREGERS WERLE.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Old Werle</i> (<i>dejectedly</i>). Thirteen at table! + (<i>To</i> GREGERS, <i>with a meaning glance at</i> HIALMAR.) + This is the result of inviting an old College friend who has + turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on <i>him</i>, + indeed!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He passes on gloomily.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>to Gregers</i>). I am almost sorry I + came. Your old min is <i>not</i> friendly. Yet he set me up as + a Photographer fifteen years ago. <i>Now</i> he takes me down! + But for him, I should never have married GINA, who, you may + remember, was a servant in your family once.</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. What? my old College friend married fifteen + years ago—and to our GINA, of all people! If I had not + been up at the works all these years, I suppose I should have + heard something of such an event. But my father never mentioned + it. Odd!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He ponders</i>; Old EKDAL <i>comes out through the + green-baize door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying + copying work.</i> Old WERLE <i>says "Ugh" and "Puh" + involuntarily.</i> HIALMAR <i>shrinks back, and looks + another way. A</i> Chamberlain <i>asks him pleasantly if he + knows that old man.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i>. I—oh no. Not in the least. No + relation!</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i> (<i>shocked</i>). What, HIALMAR, you, with + your great soul, deny your own father!</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>vehemently</i>). Of course—what + else <i>can</i> a Photographer do with a disreputable old + parent, who has been in a Penitentiary for making a fraudulent + map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The Chamberlains are + not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate on my + head! [<i>Goes out hastily, feeling it.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Sörby</i> (<i>archly</i>). Any Nobleman here say + "Cold Punch"?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her + out in search of it with enthusiasm</i>. GREGERS + <i>approaches his father, who wishes he would go.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe + you. I am nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner + once, and it's my firm belief you deserved a prison quite as + much as he did. However, you surely need not have married our + GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. You know very well she was no + better than she should have been!</p> + + <p><i>Old Werle</i>. True—but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY. + And <i>I</i> am going to marry <i>her</i>—if you have no + objection, that is.</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. None in the world! How can I object to a + stepmother who is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present + moment with the Norwegian nobility? I am not so overstrained as + all that. But really I can<i>not</i> allow my old friend + HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike mind, to remain + in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my mission in + life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his home + is built upon a lie. He will be <i>so</i> much obliged to me! + [<i>Takes his hat, and goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Old Werle</i>. Ha!—I am a wealthy merchant, of + dubious morals, and I am about to marry my housekeeper, who is + on intimate terms with the Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son + who loathes me, and who is either an Ibsenian satire on the + Master's own ideals, or else an utterly impossible prig—I + don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter myself my + household affords an accurate and realistic picture of + Scandinavian Society!</p> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>HIALMAR EKDAL's <i>Photographic Studio. Cameras, + neck-rests, and other instruments of torture lying + about</i>. GINA EKDAL <i>and</i> HEDWIG, <i>her daughter, + aged 14, and wearing spectacles, discovered sitting up + for</i> HIALMAR.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedvig</i>. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of + brandy and a jug of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. + Father is in society, dining out. He promised he would bring me + home something nice!</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>coming in, in evening dress</i>). And he + has not forgotten his promise, my child. Behold! (<i>he + presents her with the menu card</i>; HEDVIG <i>gulps down her + tears</i>; HIALMAR <i>notices her disappointment, with + annoyance.</i>) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining + out and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are + disgracefully tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I + am, I won't have any <i>beer</i> now! What a selfish brute I + am! (<i>Relenting.</i>) You may bring me just a little drop. + (<i>He bursts into tears.</i>) I will play you a plaintive + Bohemian dance on my flute. (<i>He does.</i>) No beer at such a + sacred moment as this! (<i>He drinks.</i>) Ha, this is real + domestic bliss!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[GREGERS WERLE <i>comes in, in a countrified + suit.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. I have left my father's + home—dinner-party and all—for ever. I am coming to + lodge with you.</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>still melancholy</i>). Have some bread + and butter. You won't? then I <i>will</i>. I want it, after + your father's lavish hospitality. (HEDVIG <i>goes to fetch + bread and butter.</i>) My daughter—a poor shortsighted + little thing—but mine own.</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. My father has had to take to strong glasses, + too—he can hardly see after dinner. (<i>To</i> Old EKDAL, + <i>who stumbles in very drunk.</i>) How can you, Lieutenant + EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman once, live in this poky + little hole?</p> + + <p><i>Old Ekdal</i>. I am a sportsman still. The only + difference is that once I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot + tame rabbits in a garret. Quite as amusing—and safer.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He goes to sleep on a sofa.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>with pride</i>). It is quite true. You + shall see.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret + full of rabbits and poultry—moonlight effect.</i> + HEDVIG <i>returns with bread and butter.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedvig</i> (<i>to</i> GREGERS). If you stand just there, + you get the best view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of + her, because she gives the play its title, you know, and has to + be brought into the dialogue a good deal. Your father, peppered + her out shooting, and we saved her life.</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i>. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not + large—but still we preserve, you see. And my poor old + father and I sometimes get a day's gunning in the garret. He + shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate wife here <i>will</i> + call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, pointed it + at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels who + had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He + <i>didn't</i> shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the + decisive moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in + life. Now we only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I + am very happy and contented as I am. [<i>He eats some bread and + butter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. But you ought <i>not</i> to be. You have a + good deal of the Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and + daughter. You are living in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will + take you out for a walk and explain what I mean. It is my + mission in life. Good night! [<i>He goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Gina and Hedwig</i>. What <i>was</i> the gentleman + talking about, Father?</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>eating bread and butter</i>). He has been + dining, you know. No matter—what <i>we</i> have to do + now, is to put my disreputable old whitehaired pariah of a + parent to bed.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He and</i> GINA <i>lift old</i> ECCLES<i>—we + mean old</i> EKDAL—<i>up by the legs and arms, and + take him off to led as the Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.—"Take 'Art of + GRACE!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" + id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/242.png" + alt="PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL." /> + </a> + + <h3>PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY + COUNCIL.</h3>(<i>See opposite page.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" + id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> + + <h3>KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE.</h3> + + <p><i>Arms</i>.—Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in + white robes reaching to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all + quite proper, for <i>Grace</i>. 2. A wildman or ratepayer + rampant, for <i>Thrift</i>. 3. A bend (or bar) sinister on a + chart vert, for <i>Bloomsbury</i>. 4. Three demi-councillors, + wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for + <i>Vacancy</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Crest</i>.—On a beadle's hat erased, a new + broom.</p> + + <p><i>Supporters</i>.—Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, + grasping an eyeglass sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both + gorged.</p> + + <p><i>Motto</i>.—"<i>Ubi nunc sumus?</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A page from the Diary of a would-be but couldn't-be + Duellist.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Arrived on the ground ready to fight my + opponent to the death. We had just measured the ground, when an + agent of Police appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp + hurriedly. Duel postponed till to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—New spot chosen. Pistols this time + instead of rapiers. Just as we were about to fire, appearance + of the agents of the law. Postponement again absolutely + necessary.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Once more ready to meet. Both of us + rather amused at the precautions we have to take to prevent + interruption. Opponent obligingly suggested a new and suitable + spot for the settlement of our little differences. Found it to + be a most excellent selection, but before we could fight, once + more interrupted. Both of us greatly annoyed, and arranged to + meet to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Amused to find myself first in the + field—my opponent five minutes late. Both of us had come + before the seconds, and so spent the time in a pleasant little + chat, and cigarettes. My opponent not half a bad fellow when + you come to know him. Just as he was in the middle of a most + amusing story, our seconds arrived—with the Police! + Postponement once more imperative.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Opponent turned up first, and, at my + request, completed his yesterday's story—one of the best + I have ever heard. Most amusing chap—should have liked to + have heard another, when, finding ourselves uninterrupted, we + thought we had better seize the opportunity to settle our + affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just time + to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as + before.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Met again. Really quite pleased to + have made the acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my + opponent. Full of fun and anecdote. On comparing notes, we + found that we had entirely forgotten what on earth we had + quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged that if we fired + at anyone, our target should be the Police.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All who love English horses, and back English + Trade,</p> + + <p>Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade."</p> + + <p>No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row</p> + + <p>Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so.</p> + + <p>First-rate English horses in holiday guise!</p> + + <p>A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes.</p> + + <p>And then the Society—surely <i>that</i> will + be</p> + + <p>Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY</p> + + <p>(Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you + no doubt</p> + + <p>What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about.</p> + + <p>Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses!</p> + + <p>That charms a horse-lover. To plump the + resources</p> + + <p>Of such a Society—by their support</p> + + <p>In subscriptions—all friends of the horse and + of sport</p> + + <p>Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers + willing,</p> + + <p>Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver + shilling!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>HISTORY AND ART.—Doubts have been thrown on the + genuineness of the story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as + illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's well-known and striking picture + in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON affirms, according to the + best of his high lights, that he has simply portrayed the naked + truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is with him. + Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and + painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our + part, we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this + picture illustrates, to some incident in the life of the + celebrated Miss ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY + MARTIN." The legend may be found in some work by that + voluminous writer <i>Finis</i>, or by the oft-quoted + <i>Ibid</i>, under the quaint heading, <i>Historia Mei et Beati + Martini</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/243-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243-1.png" + alt="No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget." /> + </a>No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on + the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget. + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/243-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243-2.png" + alt="No. 259. 'A Select Committee.' H. Stacy Marks, R.A." /> + </a>No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 278. "<i>The Fleecy Charge</i>." A title that suggests + an attempt at extortion, but is here applied to <i>A picture in + wool-work</i> by the veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course + whatever the artist may ask for it, it will always be "sheep at + the price."</p> + + <p>No. 388. "<i>Writing a Message to St. Helena</i>." Hope St. + Helena received it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as + suggested by the name of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, + A.</p> + + <p>No. 519. "<i>Gorse</i>." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why + certainly, as a matter of gorse.</p> + + <p>No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "<i>Eventide</i>" by + KNIGHT.</p> + + <p>No. 1161. "<i>A Maiden Fair</i>." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never + heard of such a thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental + countries. She seems to be having all the fun of the Fair to + herself. This concludes a series of Storeys in four numbers, + 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his "Tale." "And now my + STOREY's done," that is, for this Season.</p> + + <h4>SCULPTURE.</h4> + + <p>No. 1962. "<i>Triumph</i>" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite + a triumph. The SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared + with A. JONES.</p> + + <p>No. 2001. "<i>H.M. Stanley—bust.</i>" Is he? Poor + STANLEY! It is to be hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will + forgive the sculptor, who is C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the + indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but BIRCH'd at last!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" + id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVIII.—MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF + BLACKMORE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> R.D. EXMOOR, <i>Author of "Born a Spoon;" + "Paddock Rowel;" "Wit and Witty;" "Tips for Marriers;" "Scare a + Fawn;" "'Brellas for Rain," &c., &c., &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple + tales. Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that + haply there may be some, and they not of the baser sort, + who reading therein as the humour takes them, may draw from + it nurture for their minds. For truly it is in the nature + of fruit-trees, whereof, without undue vaunting, I may + claim to know somewhat, that the birds of the air, the + tits, the wrens, ay, even unto the saucy little sparrows, + whose firm spirit in warfare hath ever been one of my + chiefest marvels, should gather in the branches seeking for + provender. So in books, and herein too I have some small + knowledge, those that are of the ripest sort are ever the + first to be devoured. And if the public be pleased, how + shall he that made the book feel aught but gratitude. + Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth to the + faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much + compensating merit."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/244.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, + turning the one to honour and a high seat, and making the other + to lie low in the estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said + in our parish) he think no small beer of himself, hath + seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS TIDDLER, should set down in + order some doings wherein I had a share. And herein I make no + show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer and not + skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts, + but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God + knows, there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and + to that breezy carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man + treading sturdily the winding paths and rough places of his + native tongue. Notwithstanding I take no small encouragement + from this, that whereas of those that have made to my knowledge + the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing (though of this I + am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for the work), the + writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, some, + writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement + of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, + whereof, thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, + deeming theirs the happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a + slice of our good country cheese and a draught of the foaming + cider bring contentment. Each to his own fashion, say I, and + the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always been in a manner plain + and unvarnished, like to the large oak press wherein mother + stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such as the + mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath + never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing + myself in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance + yawns and stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is + paper and ink are cheaper than when I began to write.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come + home from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of + Cambridge, that our whole household was gathered together in + our parlour. Mother sat by the head of the great table, ladling + out a savoury mess of porridge, not rashly, as the custom of + some is, but carefully, like a prudent housewife, guarding her + own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her daughters, and + next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the work of + the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and + parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and + over her hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour + of meandering pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my + marks were always low, I being better skilled in the giving of + raps with the closed fist than in the making of maps with inky + fingers—a bootless toil, as it always hath seemed to me. + Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting coy glances + at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue + sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back + to the shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN + DOUBLEFACE" he was ever called, not without a sly hint of + increasing obesity, for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and + sinews, was no small trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did + himself right royally whenever porridge was in question. All + these sat, peaceably swallowing, while I, at the table's foot, + faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with my forefinger, + forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, lest + BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should + make sport of me.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite + that my bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no + desire for my food that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the + burden of my thoughts wore deeply inward with the dwelling of + my mind on this view and on that of it. But, on a sudden, what + a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a jumping on chairs, + what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! For, out of a + corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, and never + so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then + mother's old tom-cat, <i>Trouncer</i>, slowly rising, stretches + his limbs, and bares his claws, making ready for what is to + come, but not, me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, + for rats have teeth, as <i>Trouncer</i> knows—ay, and can + use them to much purpose. Therefore <i>Trouncer</i>, making + belief to be brave, as is the custom both of cats and of others + that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their fore-paws, + gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes GIRT + JAN's terrier, <i>Rouser</i>, at last—where hath the + terrier been tarrying? Terriers should not tarry—and, + with scant ceremony, leaps upon <i>Trouncer</i>. Cuff, cuff, go + the claws. <i>Trouncer</i> swears roundly. Nay, + <i>Trouncer</i>, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair. + To him, good <i>Rouser</i>, to him, my man. But <i>Rouser</i> + hath forgot the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many + a day shall remember. <i>Rouser</i> hath the rat in view. Round + the parlour they go, helter-skelter, <i>Rouser</i> on the + tracks of the life-desiring rat, while the maids upon the + chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! he hath him + pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in + rat-land.</p> + + <p>And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but + trod him flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in + terror of his boot; and <i>Trouncer</i> returns, smugly + purring, and mother rates the blushing maids.</p> + + <p>And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the + doing.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>Now I with <i>Rouser</i> at my heels went manfully on my + way. Gaily I went over the parched brown wastes where lately + the flood had lain heavy upon the land, past the whispering + copses of fir and beech and oak that top the upland, through + the yellowing corn that stands waving golden promise in the + valley, till I came to where the land bends suddenly with a + sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, now swollen + to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. Sudden I + stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the + TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, + they being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring + moisture both within and without. Never till my dying day shall + I forget the sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a + tuffet, her beautiful blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, + her jug of curds and whey scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while + beside her, lolling at ease with the slothful stretch of his + great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet in his fierce eyes sat + SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER that would make a + feast of her.</p> + + <p>I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my + limbs, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" + id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> but in a moment I was with + them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. Quickly he + turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones + cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, + and a hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he + had me off my feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to + the right, and then with one last heave I flung him on his + back, and had the end of it, leaving him dead and flattened + where he lay.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her + fondly, saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, + thinking it only right that mother should use ceremony with my + love. But she, poor darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing + her own happiness or the issue of the fight. For 'tis the way + of women ever to faint if the occasion serve and a man's arms + be there to prop them. And often in the warm summer-time, when + the little lads and lasses gather to the plucking of buttercups + and daisies, likening them gleefully to the gold and silver of + a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown matronly, sitteth + on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale of giant + SPIDER and his fate.—[THE END.]</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/245-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245-1.png" + alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a> + </div> + + <p>One of our "Co."—and the Baron may observe that, when + "Co." is written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"—has + been reading <i>Sir George</i> (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. + HENNIKER has the courage to put forth in one volume. At the + outset, the writing is a little slipshod. Mrs. HENNIKER has, + moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When she can't + summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page + appears the following startling announcement—"The March + winds this year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian + would therefore [why therefore?] never allow her to walk out + without a respirator, till they blew no longer from the East." + We assume that, as soon as respirators blew from the West, this + injunction would be withdrawn. But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets + forward in her story, the style improves, "which's" disappear + as they did in <i>Macbeth's</i> time, and the tale is told in + simple strenuous language. <i>Uncle George</i> is a character + finely conceived, and admirably drawn.</p> + + <p>The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for + sending a volume of DE QUINCEY's <i>Posthumorous Works</i>. A + small dose of them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, + may be confidently recommended to admirers of <i>The Opium + Eater</i>, and will probably be found of considerable value to + some who hitherto may have been the victims of <i>insomnia</i>. + Highly recommended by the Faculty.</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & + Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>EVENINGS FROM HOME.</h2> + + <p>At the Court Theatre, <i>Le Feu Toupinel</i>, adapted for + the English stage as <i>The Late Lamented</i>, is decidedly + funny, that is, if you can once get over the idea that all its + humour depends upon the immoral vagaries of an elderly + scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has departed this life in + the odour of respectability, without his immoralities ever + having been discovered. Had he been found out during his + lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and + punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the + French for the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an + English audience? That's the point. The run must decide. If the + best possible acting can carry it along, then that it has got; + for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has frequently had better chances, + yet she has never worked harder, and never has she more + deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be said of Mr. + STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, whose + make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of + his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's + <i>Mr. Fawcett</i>, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun + of the scenes in which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. + CAPE, as <i>Parker</i>, the Confidential Servant, is excellent. + There's plenty of "go" in it, but will it "stay"?</p> + + <p>Great attraction at the Lyceum! <i>The Corsican Brothers</i> + and <i>Nance Oldfield</i>! ELLEN TERRY as <i>Nance</i> is + delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, if you please, + "<i>For</i>—all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN + is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as + <i>Nance</i>, and then as <i>Mrs. Oldfield</i>, the actress, in + the characters that <i>Nance</i> assumes. For 'tis ELLEN + playing <i>Nancy</i>, and <i>Nancy</i> again playing Tragedy + and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never was so old + a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and they're + all Old. There are two <i>Oldfields</i> and two + <i>Oldworthys</i>. Mr. WENMAN as <i>Oldfield Senior</i>, or the + Old Obadiah, is a trifle too blusterous, but on the other hand, + I am not prepared to say that a country attorney of that period + wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. His son <i>Alexander</i>, + the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. GORDON CRAIG, who + is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; but in the + whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his + broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, + this young actor may justly describe himself as of the + "Touch-and-go" school, and be, like "the livin' skeleton" + mentioned by <i>Sam Weller</i>, "proud o' the title." Miss KATE + PHILLIPS as <i>Anne's</i> sister—though, as Mr. J.L. T-LE + observed, as she is younger than <i>Anne</i>, she cannot well + be her Anne-sister—is as bright and lively as need be, + considering her menial position, which is rather odd in her + sister's house. Visit Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her + very much "at home" in the part. After which <i>The Corsican + Brothers</i> revived, Ghost and all.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/245-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245-2.png" + alt="The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum." /> + </a>The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum. + </div> + + <p>When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was + produced, the twin who lived in Corsica, Brother <i>Fabien</i>, + used to behave in the wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it + some years ago does not remember how he used to chuck his gun + up in the air, when it caught on to a hook in the wall! with + what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette from an enormous + flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on the + hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in + the Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the + appetite of Master <i>Fabien</i>, who, after a hard day's + sport, came in ready for anything, and ate everything! It was + the only occasion when this fearless son of destiny ever + "bolted." But, my! how the food used to disappear! what a short + time the supper occupied, and how very much third best the poor + stranger came off under the hospitable roof of the <i>Dei + Franchis</i>. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice + is done to it, <i>and</i> to the weary traveller. Never was + such an unhappy tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of + Corsica; he is choke-full of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to + say of course, but he never gets a chance, as <i>Fabien</i> + tells him family stories one after the other, as if he hadn't + had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever so long. + Then, when on the entrance of his mother <i>Fabien</i> breaks + off in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently + can't be told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees + something like an opening for some light Boulevardian + chit-chat, is presented with a flat candlestick and bowed off + to bed, without being allowed a word to say for himself. All + this is just the same as ever; there have been no alterations + nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned as are the + exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at the + Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and + the latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight + of it, do Messrs. <i>Irving dei Franchi</i> and <i>M. Terriss + de Château Renaud</i>, until the latter collapses, and + "subsequent proceedings interested him no more." As long as the + strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can draw a good and + shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant a house as + he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this piece + to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a + great play for Doublin'. <i>Exeunt omnes.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE EPIDEMIC.—Up to now Members of Parliament have + been generally considered as "influential personages." This + year many M.P.'s will be remembered as "very influenzial + personages."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" + id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/246.png" + alt="THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!" /> + </a> + + <h3>THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, + BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!</h3> + + <p><i>Daughter of the House</i>. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, + HOW DID YOU LIKE THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO + DINNER?"</p> + + <p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>innocently</i>). "MY DEAR GIRL, + SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! <i>I NEVER + TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN A MAZE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he + admitted was so obscure that he only 'more or less' + understood it himself, and which, indeed, is of + '<i>plusquam</i>-Thucydidean' dimness and involution.... + There is no excuse, we must say, for the muddle into which + the Government has got over the Bill.... The House of + Commons has adjourned for a short holiday, but the Irish + Land Purchase Bill is not yet through Committee.... There + still remained all the new clauses, for which no time had + been found."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Little Bill loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you + <i>can</i>,—and who can if you can't, + Sir?—</p> + + <p>Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I + have strayed till I'm all of a pant, Sir.</p> + + <p>Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've + been on my feet ever since, Sir.</p> + + <p>And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and + the pains in my back make me wince, Sir.</p> + + <p>Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for + he only strayed in the gutter,</p> + + <p>While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and + <i>my</i> feeling of lostness is utter.</p> + + <p>Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old + Hampton Court isn't in it.</p> + + <p>Oh stop, <i>do</i> stop! for I feel I shall drop if + I don't sit down half a minute.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I really thought you knew the way out—which I + own <i>I</i>'m unable to guess, Sir—</p> + + <p>And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and + are puzzled "more or less," Sir.</p> + + <p>The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so + jimble-jumbled;</p> + + <p>It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along + which we have staggered and stumbled.</p> + + <p>I thought you <i>were</i> a cool card. Mister + BALFOUR, and did know your way about. Sir,</p> + + <p>But what I should like to know at present is, when + we are like to get out, Sir.</p> + + <p>How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who + gets lost in his own Great Maze, Sir!</p> + + <p>Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost <i>your</i> + way,—you, whom people so cosset and praise + Sir.</p> + + <p>You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and + you're always as cool as a cucumber.</p> + + <p>Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you + see, such a smart pioneer as are <i>you</i> cumber?</p> + + <p>You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I + know you are cool, and clever.</p> + + <p>Yet I feel a doubt. When <i>shall</i> we get + out?—which I <i>can't</i> go on wandering for + ever!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mazemaster loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poor little man! Yes, I <i>had</i> a plan, and a + perfectly plain one, too, boy;</p> + + <p>But—I fear—for a + moment—I've—lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully + sorry for <i>you</i> boy!</p> + + <p>You have been on your feet for a precious long time, + and all this roundaboutation,</p> + + <p><i>Is</i> "<i>plusquam</i>-Thucydidean," perhaps, + and at any rate mean aggravation.</p> + + <p>But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" + there's abundance of "humour" about me,</p> + + <p>And though for a jiffy I <i>seem</i> at a loss, + don't you come for to go for to doubt me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated + the clue I've let slip for a moment,</p> + + <p>And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout + and indulge in invidious comment:</p> + + <p>The <i>Times</i>, too, may gird, and declare 'tis + absurd not to know <i>one's own Labyrinth</i> + better.</p> + + <p>The <i>Times</i> is my friend, but a trifle too fond + of the goad and the scourge and the fetter;</p> + + <p>You really can't rule the whole civilised world with + the aid of the whip and the closure;</p> + + <p>Though I <i>should</i> enjoy—but no matter, my + boy, let us try to maintain our composure!</p> + + <p><i>When shall we get out?</i> That's a matter of + doubt, cross-hedges my pathway still chequer,</p> + + <p>The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; + we'll get clear—if you keep up your pecker!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Change for Thirty-Five Shillings.</h3> + + <p>There is a singular directness of purpose in the following + advertisement which appears in the <i>Daily + News</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. + 35<i>s.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the + exact sum. It seems odd. One often wants change for a + sovereign, and even oftener wants the sovereign itself. But + what precise coin a man hands you when he wants thirty-five + shillings change is not quite clear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" + id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/247.png" + alt="IN A MAZE." /></a> + + <h3>IN A MAZE.</h3> + + <p>MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M <i>SO</i> + TIRED!"</p> + + <p>MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE + RIGHT,—AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE OUT OF IT!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" + id="page249"></a>[pg 249]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/249.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249.png" + alt="At the Horse Dealer's." /></a> <i>Dealer's + Man</i> (<i>confidentially</i>). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. JUST + SUIT <i>YOU</i>, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, + SIR!—<i>YOU CAN SIT ON HIM A'MOST ANYWHERE!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, May 5</i>.—Received the following letter + from TOLLAND yesterday:—</p> + + <p class="author">45, <i>Main Street, Billsbury, May 3.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PATTLE,</p> + + <p>A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the + day after to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the + Beaconsfield Club, to consider some important questions + affecting your Candidature and the plan of campaign to be + adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may be able to make + it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive a wire + from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have + lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health + is causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He + has attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many + of the advanced section by his conduct over the Strike + Subvention Bill, which was backed by the Labour Members. Sir + THOMAS, however, abstained from the division on the Second + Reading. It is just possible that, under the circumstances, he + may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds very shortly, and + we must be prepared for every emergency.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND.</p> + + <p>It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the + BELLAMYS to the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to + dine and go to the theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off + everything. MARY BELLAMY will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote + specially to her to apologise and explain. They're sure to get + that beast POMFRET to take them instead. He's always hanging + round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's Confession + Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to show + it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is + apt to stare, he</p> + + <p><i>Must</i> answer, if he knows what's what, "My + favourite name is MARY."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And this:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The vice I detest and abhor above all</p> + + <p>Is not dancing four <i>times</i> with <i>you</i> at + a ball.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you + rather be, if you were not yourself?"—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your + hair,</p> + + <p>Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed + upon the stair.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked + me, when I called the other day, if I didn't think it + wonderfully clever. I know, when I wrote my answers in her + album, it took me days of thought to get them done in prose, + and even then they turned out the most ordinary, commonplace + things. However I thought they pleased MARY, and now POMFRET + steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's father once + published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the + household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she + thought "a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly + refined and delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most + selfish and calculating ruffians outside a convict prison, and + always haggles over his luncheon bills at the Club, till the + head-waiter and all the rest nearly go off their heads.</p> + + <p>However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the + Committee after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some + canvassing soon, and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain + myself more fully (1) on the Temperance Question and the + question of Compensation to Publicans; (2) on the Women's + Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; (4) on Foreign + Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main Drainage + Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more than + one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the + Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, + in which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress + clothes at the meetings had annoyed a good many of my + supporters, and that he ventured to suggest to me, for my own + good, that I should wear ordinary dress. It seems a good many + of the lower lot thought it looked uppish. I'm glad enough not + to have to do it any more. There were other points, but I'm too + tired to remember them. By the way, I have subscribed to about + a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have promised to get + Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. Back to + London to-morrow. What a life!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Latest "Labor Program."</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a New-Unionist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true</p> + + <p>That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u."</p> + + <p>But, <i>per contra</i>, informing my "program" you + see</p> + + <p>Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" + id="page250"></a>[pg 250]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/250.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/250.png" + alt="POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS." /> + </a> + + <h3>POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS.</h3>(<i>By + Our Own Instantaneous Photographer</i>.) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" + id="page251"></a>[pg 251]</span> + + <h2>IN A LOCK.—A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Lock! Lock!</i>"—Shock! Rock! That's a + pretty frock bulging over the gunwale!</p> + + <p>She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, + which is fuming out of the Steam-Launch funnel.</p> + + <p>Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're + awfully crowded this first Spring holiday,</p> + + <p>Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our + serious Senators out for a jolly day</p> + + <p>Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot + rod with the toll-net ending it</p> + + <p>Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, + there are many worse ways of spending it,—</p> + + <p>Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash + for his dry Exchequer</p> + + <p>With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than + keeping up his financial pecker</p> + + <p>With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in + Cambridge blue are exceeding bonny;</p> + + <p>B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in + his element—eh, my sonny?</p> + + <p>And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the + stern-sheets yonder would find the steering</p> + + <p>Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot + with T-M H-LY jeering.</p> + + <p>S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put + his back—that broad back of his!—in it.</p> + + <p>Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall + all get out in another minute.</p> + + <p>Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to + the front when the lock-gates sever.</p> + + <p>What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, + the skilful, the dull, the clever,</p> + + <p>The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the + puffing launch, and the trim outrigger,</p> + + <p>The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy + punter who toils like a nigger,</p> + + <p>All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old + gates shutting slowly behind them,</p> + + <p>And where are those who so shoved to the front? At + the tail of the race you may presently find them.</p> + + <p>The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty + skiff might be handling. Bless us!</p> + + <p>Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil + like a shirt of Nessus?</p> + + <p>Well, Union<i>ist</i> or Separat<i>ist</i>, or chap + with a twist like C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M,</p> + + <p>Or howling PAT, or Aristo<i>crat</i> with manners + like BRUMMEL and voice like BRAHAM,</p> + + <p>Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial + SM-TH, the new-made Warden,</p> + + <p>All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream + like silver, the banks a garden,</p> + + <p><i>Much</i> worse might do than tog up in blue and + join a crew on the rolling river,</p> + + <p>"Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party + or personal, leaving "liver,"</p> + + <p>And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all + party-jobbers, all jibbers and jolters,</p> + + <p>In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, + or it might be BOULTER's!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/251.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/251.png" + alt="ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY." /></a> + + <h3>ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY.</h3> + + <p><i>Young Lady</i>. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE + <i>NEXT</i> THING TO DO, AFTER PUTTING THE MEAT AND + POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Village Girl</i>. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15</i>.—This entry + in Diary is dated from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated + in the County I have the honour to represent. Haven't been to + Westminster this week. Hear, through usual channels of + information, that House adjourns to-day for Whitsun Recess. + When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; a few doors and + chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact is, majority + absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us have formed + House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get through + business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at + Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties + and all sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of + Committees still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one + of the Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. + JACKSON looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS + whips up the Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and + ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, + SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL + BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, being supported by GEORGIE + HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD + and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. On Front Opposition + Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, OSBORNE AP + MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet arrived, + but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W. + RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, + when issued.</p> + + <p>CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK + LOCKWOOD draws us out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON + BORTHWICK throws an air of fashionable society around us; the + Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall head in our midst; ISAAC + HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating story of how he + discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON passes the time + writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the + Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously + fumigated before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get + back to Westminster (nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would + be getting passed through Committee; and here is the Grand + Young GARDNER <i>and</i> his wife—Lady WINIFRED, of + course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery.</p> + + <p>Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM + ROOSE, whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, + drink and sleep," he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do + nothing." So whilst they storm and fret at Westminster, here, + in hollow Lotos Land we live and lie reclining. Pleasant to + hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his morning rounds, + stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say '74; + Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast + chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; + de Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a + fried sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of + champagne, take a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A + long breath, dear friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port + won't do you any harm."</p> + + <p>Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back + to the grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. <i>Business + done</i>.—All taking long breaths.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.—In the House of Commons on + the Motion of the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved + that Influenza, M.P., be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, + Leader of the Opposition, <i>pro tem.</i>, moved to amend the + Resolution by adding "at once." This was agreed to <i>nem. + con.</i> The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to remove + Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might + catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. + Influenza left sitting on Members generally.—<i>Extract + from the Fifteenth of May's Parliamentary Report</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" + id="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> + + <h2>A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Perplexed Reader of the Penny Papers.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/252-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/252-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to + adopt a suggestion of GILBERT's),</p> + + <p>When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, + or munched too many walnuts or filberts;</p> + + <p>When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then + each queer social craze—there are + many!—</p> + + <p>Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool + for your thoughts would advance you a penny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, + though you timidly shrink from it, harries you.</p> + + <p>Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl + with a <i>penchant</i> for you, ups and marries + you.</p> + + <p>And ties you for life to the thing called a + Wife,—that figment, that fraud, that + illusion,</p> + + <p>Where, <i>what</i> will you be? And you can't find a + key to the epoch's chaotic confusion.</p> + + <p>It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what + a tyrannic majority</p> + + <p>May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in + vain you appeal to Authority.</p> + + <p>The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you + can't understand, nor can anyone,</p> + + <p>And <i>that</i> is a thought, with delirium fraught, + an appalling, if 'tis not a penny one.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, + absurdly romantic and maundering;</p> + + <p>And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in + dim deserts of Sentiment wandering.</p> + + <p>Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both + Della-Cruscan and drivelling,</p> + + <p>Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," + seems a mixture of diddling and snivelling.</p> + + <p>There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, + and would lay his claws on the Nation,</p> + + <p>And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as + <i>he</i> thinks) without compensation;</p> + + <p>And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes + bedward, must have <i>his</i> reflections + nightmarish!</p> + + <p>It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs + are scarcest to govern a parish.</p> + + <p>MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives + <i>his</i> soul pain—it's a squeamish + one!—</p> + + <p>He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere + Angry Boy he, <i>not</i> a Beamish One!</p> + + <p>These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick + such a doose of a dust up,</p> + + <p>One would think without <i>them</i> we were wrong + stern and stem, and the whole of creation would bust + up.</p> + + <p>But verily why men should <i>new</i> worship + Hymen,—who, just as unshackled as + Cupid,—</p> + + <p>(See decision <i>Re</i> JACKSON), take burdens their + backs on, I can<i>not</i> conceive. It seems stupid</p> + + <p>Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose + "ownness" there's desperate doubt of,</p> + + <p>And which (if she's <i>nous</i>) you can't keep + <i>in</i> your house, nor yet (if she's "savvy") keep + <i>out</i> of!</p> + + <p>What <i>is</i> "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and + falter! The Beaks seem to palter and fumble.</p> + + <p>In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and + vow that the world is a jumble.</p> + + <p>Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the + whole darned caboodle (as 'ARRY sees)</p> + + <p>Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of + confounded old foodles and Pharisees!</p> + + <p>Yes, that's what <i>I</i> think about Marriage and + Drink—if you may call it thought, which with + frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad + whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me + wake in a fright, from visions most solemn of column on + column of such "printed matter" and paragraph chatter, + as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter upon + a lead platter—as mad as a hatter, and who will + relieve me? Can anyone?</p> + + <p>I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of + spectres and spooks (born of papers and books) with, + most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, and + bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of + tester and curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive + me insane if <i>some</i> one can't explain where the + mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions + and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and + Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose lunes are more lunatic + still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught, + who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught + (what so long I have sought) a Clear Comforting + Thought—though a Penny One!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2><i>IN RE</i> THE INFLUENZA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Autobiographical Note on the appearance of the + Epidemic in the Law Courts.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/252-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/252-2.png" + alt="Catching." /></a>Catching. + </div> + + <p>Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the + learned profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have + found their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by + degrees and beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely + pass a week in term time without appearing in Court holding a + consent brief, or armed with authority to move (unopposed) for + the appointment of a receiver. But that was long ago—a + deep contrast with to-day—when my admirable and excellent + Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too ample, + time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally + a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the + chambers I occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the + Defence in the cause of <i>Quicksilver</i> v. <i>Nore</i>. It + was a Patent Case, and one of the deepest possible interest. It + is my good fortune to know the Defendant, personally, and it + was through his kind offices that the instructions to appear + for him were left at my chambers. My friend and client (who is + unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has recently + patented and produced a most important invention, which greatly + facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those + useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose + for which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable + inventions, the patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring + consisting of the section of the thicker end of an elephant's + tusk cut to an appropriate size and hollowed out. It is + necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a fashion that, + when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained by the + adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can + also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and + jewels for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for + purchasers of smaller means. I must say that when the ring was + shown to me I was greatly struck with the cleverness and + simplicity of the idea, and could not understand how Mr. + QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to be so badly advised + as to bring an action for infringement, merely on the strength + of <i>his</i> patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with the + ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle + closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my + duty to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my + case (as I invariably do) <i>con amore</i>. I hunted up all the + causes in the Digest, that seemed to be on all-fours with the + matter in dispute, and spent days in the Public Library of the + Patent Office searching for patents having to do with + table-napkins. As the specifications were not consecutively + published, I had to wade through a large number of these + interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For + instance, the first specification I would take out of the box + in which it was kept, would perhaps have to do with + house-raising without disturbance to the foundations, the + second would prove to be an article half umbrella, half + revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an extremely + quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself picked + up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do + nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance + of my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by + burglars by casement concussions. I propose calling this + valuable little instrument (which is founded to some extent on + the simple construction by which the figures in a child's box + of wooden soldiers are enabled to advance and retire in a + scissors-like fashion), when produced, the Policeman's Upper + Floor Window Tapper.</p> + + <p>The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a + mass of carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready + to defend the originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, + to the death. In my notes before me I had the skeleton of a + really fine oration, which I felt (if I mastered my normal + nervousness) would bristle with epigram, and thrill with + heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply interested was I + in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my friend's opening, + and only became aware of what was happening in Court by the + rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, and + disappeared. I looked at the clock—it was only + noon—and, consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in + advance of the time usually selected for the mid-day + adjournment. And then, to my dismay, I found that his Lordship + was suffering from the influenza! Well, there was nothing to do + but to collect my papers, and, assisted by PORTINGTON, return + to my chambers. The next day my head ached violently, and I + could not move. Then I have a recollection of dictating to my + wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I subsequently + discovered were neither despatched nor delivered.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When I awoke, I found that the matter of <i>Quicksilver</i> + v. <i>Nore</i> had been arranged and settled—out of + Court!</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Pump-handle Court.</i> (<i>Signed</i>) A. + BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13352 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13352-h/images/241.png b/13352-h/images/241.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d34596c --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/241.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/242.png b/13352-h/images/242.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6801766 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/242.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/243-1.png b/13352-h/images/243-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..00db462 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/243-1.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/243-2.png b/13352-h/images/243-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..13a14f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/243-2.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/244.png b/13352-h/images/244.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3898981 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/244.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/245-1.png b/13352-h/images/245-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d90cfa1 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/245-1.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/245-2.png b/13352-h/images/245-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e016f5e --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/245-2.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/246.png b/13352-h/images/246.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5c7b87 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/246.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/247.png b/13352-h/images/247.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b8a030 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/247.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/249.png b/13352-h/images/249.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e90050 --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/249.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/250.png b/13352-h/images/250.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..78e49bb --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/250.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/251.png b/13352-h/images/251.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e581ddc --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/251.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/252-1.png b/13352-h/images/252-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da1372e --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/252-1.png diff --git a/13352-h/images/252-2.png b/13352-h/images/252-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b90c85d --- /dev/null +++ b/13352-h/images/252-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2477e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13352 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13352) diff --git a/old/13352-8.txt b/old/13352-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..957b516 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13352-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1590 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +May 23, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 23, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION, BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. IV.--THE WILD DUCK. + +ACT I. + + _At WERLE's house. In front a richly-upholstered study. + (R.) a green-baize door leading to WERLE's office. At back, + open folding doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in + which a brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired + Waiters in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts + of "Bravo!" Old Mr. WERLE is heard making a long speech, + proposing--according to the custom of Norwegian society on + such occasions--the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. SÖRBY. + Presently several short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired + Chamberlains, enter from the dining-room, with HIALMAR + EKDAL, who writhes shyly under their remarks._ + +_A Chamberlain_. As we are the sole surviving specimens of Norwegian +nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic sparklers +by enlarging upon the enormous amount we have eaten, and chaffing +HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our host's son, for being a professional +Photographer? + +[Illustration: "Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"] + +_The other Chamberlains_. Bravo! We will. + + [_They do; delight of HIALMAR. Old WERLE comes in, leaning + on his Housekeeper's arm, followed by his son, GREGERS + WERLE._ + +_Old Werle_ (_dejectedly_). Thirteen at table! (_To_ GREGERS, _with +a meaning glance at_ HIALMAR.) This is the result of inviting an old +College friend who has turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on +_him_, indeed! + + [_He passes on gloomily._ + +_Hialmar_ (_to Gregers_). I am almost sorry I came. Your old min is +_not_ friendly. Yet he set me up as a Photographer fifteen years ago. +_Now_ he takes me down! But for him, I should never have married GINA, +who, you may remember, was a servant in your family once. + +_Gregers_. What? my old College friend married fifteen years ago--and +to our GINA, of all people! If I had not been up at the works all +these years, I suppose I should have heard something of such an event. +But my father never mentioned it. Odd! + + [_He ponders; Old EKDAL comes out through the green-baize + door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying copying work. Old + WERLE says "Ugh" and "Puh" involuntarily. HIALMAR shrinks + back, and looks another way. A Chamberlain asks him + pleasantly if he knows that old man._ + +_Hialmar_. I--oh no. Not in the least. No relation! + +_Gregers_ (_shocked_). What, HIALMAR, you, with your great soul, deny +your own father! + +_Hialmar_ (_vehemently_). Of course--what else _can_ a Photographer +do with a disreputable old parent, who has been in a Penitentiary +for making a fraudulent map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The +Chamberlains are not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate +on my head! [_Goes out hastily, feeling it._ + +_Mrs. Sörby_ (_archly_). Any Nobleman here say "Cold Punch"? + + [_Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her out in + search of it with enthusiasm. GREGERS approaches his father, + who wishes he would go._ + +_Gregers_. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you. I am +nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner once, and it's my +firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did. However, +you surely need not have married our GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. +You know very well she was no better than she should have been! + +_Old Werle_. True--but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY. And _I_ am going to +marry _her_--if you have no objection, that is. + +_Gregers_. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother who +is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present moment with the Norwegian +nobility? I am not so overstrained as all that. But really I can_not_ +allow my old friend HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike +mind, to remain in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my +mission in life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his +home is built upon a lie. He will be _so_ much obliged to me! [_Takes +his hat, and goes out._ + +_Old Werle_. Ha!--I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, and I +am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms with the +Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son who loathes me, and who is either +an Ibsenian satire on the Master's own ideals, or else an utterly +impossible prig--I don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter +myself my household affords an accurate and realistic picture of +Scandinavian Society! + +ACT II. + + _HIALMAR EKDAL's Photographic Studio. Cameras, neck-rests, + and other instruments of torture lying about. GINA EKDAL and + HEDWIG, her daughter, aged 14, and wearing spectacles, + discovered sitting up for HIALMAR._ + +_Hedvig_. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a jug +of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. Father is in society, +dining out. He promised he would bring me home something nice! + +_Hialmar_ (_coming in, in evening dress_). And he has not forgotten +his promise, my child. Behold! (_he presents her with the menu card; +HEDVIG gulps down her tears_; HIALMAR _notices her disappointment, +with annoyance._) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining out +and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are disgracefully +tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I am, I won't have any +_beer_ now! What a selfish brute I am! (_Relenting._) You may bring +me just a little drop. (_He bursts into tears._) I will play you a +plaintive Bohemian dance on my flute. (_He does._) No beer at such a +sacred moment as this! (_He drinks._) Ha, this is real domestic bliss! + + [_GREGERS WERLE comes in, in a countrified suit._ + +_Gregers_. I have left my father's home--dinner-party and all--for +ever. I am coming to lodge with you. + +_Hialmar_ (_still melancholy_). Have some bread and butter. You won't? +then I _will_. I want it, after your father's lavish hospitality. +(_HEDVIG goes to fetch bread and butter._) My daughter--a poor +shortsighted little thing--but mine own. + +_Gregers_. My father has had to take to strong glasses, too--he +can hardly see after dinner. (_To Old EKDAL, who stumbles in very +drunk._) How can you, Lieutenant EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman +once, live in this poky little hole? + +_Old Ekdal_. I am a sportsman still. The only difference is that once +I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot tame rabbits in a garret. +Quite as amusing--and safer. + + [_He goes to sleep on a sofa._ + +_Hialmar_ (_with pride_). It is quite true. You shall see. + + [_He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret full of + rabbits and poultry--moonlight effect. HEDVIG returns with + bread and butter._ + +_Hedvig_ (_to GREGERS_). If you stand just there, you get the best +view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of her, because she gives the +play its title, you know, and has to be brought into the dialogue a +good deal. Your father, peppered her out shooting, and we saved her +life. + +_Hialmar_. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not large--but still we +preserve, you see. And my poor old father and I sometimes get a day's +gunning in the garret. He shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate +wife here _will_ call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, +pointed it at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels +who had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He +_didn't_ shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the decisive +moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. Now we +only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very happy and +contented as I am. [_He eats some bread and butter._ + +_Gregers_. But you ought _not_ to be. You have a good deal of the +Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are living +in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will take you out for a walk and explain +what I mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! [_He goes out._ + +_Gina and Hedwig_. What _was_ the gentleman talking about, Father? + +_Hialmar_ (_eating bread and butter_). He has been dining, you know. +No matter--what _we_ have to do now, is to put my disreputable old +whitehaired pariah of a parent to bed. + + [_He and GINA lift old ECCLES--we mean old EKDAL--up by the + legs and arms, and take him off to led as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL. +(_See opposite page._)] + + * * * * * + +KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE. + +_Arms_.--Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in white robes reaching +to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite proper, for _Grace_. 2. +A wildman or ratepayer rampant, for _Thrift_. 3. A bend (or bar) +sinister on a chart vert, for _Bloomsbury_. 4. Three demi-councillors, +wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for _Vacancy_. + +_Crest_.--On a beadle's hat erased, a new broom. + +_Supporters_.--Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, grasping an eyeglass +sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both gorged. + +_Motto_.--"_Ubi nunc sumus?_" + + * * * * * + +FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT. + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A WOULD-BE BUT COULDN'T-BE DUELLIST._) + +_Monday_.--Arrived on the ground ready to fight my opponent to the +death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police +appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp hurriedly. Duel +postponed till to-morrow. + +_Tuesday_.--New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers. +Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law. +Postponement again absolutely necessary. + +_Wednesday_.--Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused at +the precautions we have to take to prevent interruption. Opponent +obligingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of +our little differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection, +but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly +annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow. + +_Thursday_.--Amused to find myself first in the field--my opponent +five minutes late. Both of us had come before the seconds, and so +spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent +not half a bad fellow when you come to know him. Just as he was in the +middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived--with the Police! +Postponement once more imperative. + +_Friday_.--Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed +his yesterday's story--one of the best I have ever heard. Most amusing +chap--should have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselves +uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the opportunity to +settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just +time to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as before. + +_Saturday_.--Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the +acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my opponent. Full of fun and +anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten +what on earth we had quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged +that if we fired at anyone, our target should be the Police. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY. + + All who love English horses, and back English Trade, + Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade." + No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row + Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so. + First-rate English horses in holiday guise! + A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes. + And then the Society--surely _that_ will be + Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY + (Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you no doubt + What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about. + Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses! + That charms a horse-lover. To plump the resources + Of such a Society--by their support + In subscriptions--all friends of the horse and of sport + Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers willing, + Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver shilling! + + * * * * * + +HISTORY AND ART.--Doubts have been thrown on the genuineness of the +story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's +well-known and striking picture in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON +affirms, according to the best of his high lights, that he has simply +portrayed the naked truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is +with him. Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and +painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our part, +we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this picture +illustrates, to some incident in the life of the celebrated Miss +ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY MARTIN." The legend may +be found in some work by that voluminous writer _Finis_, or by the +oft-quoted _Ibid_, under the quaint heading, _Historia Mei et Beati +Martini_. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) + +[Illustration: No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on +the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.] + +[Illustration: No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.] + +No. 278. "_The Fleecy Charge_." A title that suggests an attempt at +extortion, but is here applied to _A picture in wool-work_ by the +veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course whatever the artist may ask +for it, it will always be "sheep at the price." + +No. 388. "_Writing a Message to St. Helena_." Hope St. Helena received +it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as suggested by the name +of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, A. + +No. 519. "_Gorse_." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why certainly, as a matter +of gorse. + +No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "_Eventide_" by KNIGHT. + +No. 1161. "_A Maiden Fair_." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never heard of such a +thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental countries. She seems to +be having all the fun of the Fair to herself. This concludes a series +of Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his +"Tale." "And now my STOREY's done," that is, for this Season. + +SCULPTURE. + +No. 1962. "_Triumph_" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite a triumph. The +SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared with A. JONES. + +No. 2001. "_H.M. Stanley--bust._" Is he? Poor STANLEY! It is to be +hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will forgive the sculptor, who is +C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but +BIRCH'd at last! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XVIII.--MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE. + +(_BY_ R.D. EXMOOR, _AUTHOR OF "BORN A SPOON;" "PADDOCK ROWEL;" "WIT +AND WITTY;" "TIPS FOR MARRIERS;" "SCARE A FAWN;" "'BRELLAS FOR RAIN," +&C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple tales. + Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that haply there + may be some, and they not of the baser sort, who reading + therein as the humour takes them, may draw from it nurture + for their minds. For truly it is in the nature of fruit-trees, + whereof, without undue vaunting, I may claim to know somewhat, + that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrens, ay, even unto + the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath + ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should gather in the + branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too + I have some small knowledge, those that are of the ripest + sort are ever the first to be devoured. And if the public + be pleased, how shall he that made the book feel aught but + gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth + to the faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much + compensating merit."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration] + +Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, turning the +one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the +estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said in our parish) he think +no small beer of himself, hath seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS +TIDDLER, should set down in order some doings wherein I had a share. +And herein I make no show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer +and not skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts, +but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God knows, +there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy +carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man treading sturdily the +winding paths and rough places of his native tongue. Notwithstanding +I take no small encouragement from this, that whereas of those that +have made to my knowledge the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing +(though of this I am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for +the work), the writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, +some, writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement +of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, whereof, +thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, deeming theirs the +happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our good country +cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. Each to +his own fashion, say I, and the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always +been in a manner plain and unvarnished, like to the large oak press +wherein mother stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such +as the mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath +never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing myself +in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance yawns and +stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is paper and ink are +cheaper than when I began to write. + +CHAPTER II. + +Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come home +from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of Cambridge, that our +whole household was gathered together in our parlour. Mother sat by +the head of the great table, ladling out a savoury mess of porridge, +not rashly, as the custom of some is, but carefully, like a prudent +housewife, guarding her own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her +daughters, and next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the +work of the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and +parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and over her +hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour of meandering +pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my marks were always low, +I being better skilled in the giving of raps with the closed fist than +in the making of maps with inky fingers--a bootless toil, as it always +hath seemed to me. Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting +coy glances at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue +sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back to the +shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN DOUBLEFACE" +he was ever called, not without a sly hint of increasing obesity, +for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and sinews, was no small +trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did himself right royally whenever +porridge was in question. All these sat, peaceably swallowing, while +I, at the table's foot, faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with +my forefinger, forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, +lest BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should make +sport of me. + +CHAPTER III. + +Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite that my +bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no desire for my food +that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the burden of my thoughts wore +deeply inward with the dwelling of my mind on this view and on that of +it. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a +jumping on chairs, what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! +For, out of a corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, +and never so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then +mother's old tom-cat, _Trouncer_, slowly rising, stretches his limbs, +and bares his claws, making ready for what is to come, but not, +me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, for rats have teeth, +as _Trouncer_ knows--ay, and can use them to much purpose. Therefore +_Trouncer_, making belief to be brave, as is the custom both of +cats and of others that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their +fore-paws, gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes +GIRT JAN's terrier, _Rouser_, at last--where hath the terrier been +tarrying? Terriers should not tarry--and, with scant ceremony, leaps +upon _Trouncer_. Cuff, cuff, go the claws. _Trouncer_ swears roundly. +Nay, _Trouncer_, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair. +To him, good _Rouser_, to him, my man. But _Rouser_ hath forgot +the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many a day shall +remember. _Rouser_ hath the rat in view. Round the parlour they go, +helter-skelter, _Rouser_ on the tracks of the life-desiring rat, while +the maids upon the chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! +he hath him pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in +rat-land. + +And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but trod him +flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in terror of his +boot; and _Trouncer_ returns, smugly purring, and mother rates the +blushing maids. + +And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the doing. + +CHAPTER IV. + +Now I with _Rouser_ at my heels went manfully on my way. Gaily I went +over the parched brown wastes where lately the flood had lain heavy +upon the land, past the whispering copses of fir and beech and oak +that top the upland, through the yellowing corn that stands waving +golden promise in the valley, till I came to where the land bends +suddenly with a sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, +now swollen to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. +Sudden I stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the +TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, they +being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring moisture +both within and without. Never till my dying day shall I forget the +sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a tuffet, her beautiful +blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, her jug of curds and whey +scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while beside her, lolling at ease with +the slothful stretch of his great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet +in his fierce eyes sat SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER +that would make a feast of her. + +I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my limbs, but +in a moment I was with them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. +Quickly he turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones +cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, and a +hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my +feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with +one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving +him dead and flattened where he lay. + +CHAPTER V. + +Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her fondly, +saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, thinking it only +right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor +darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the +issue of the fight. For 'tis the way of women ever to faint if the +occasion serve and a man's arms be there to prop them. And often +in the warm summer-time, when the little lads and lasses gather to +the plucking of buttercups and daisies, likening them gleefully to +the gold and silver of a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown +matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale +of giant SPIDER and his fate.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +One of our "Co."--and the Baron may observe that, when "Co." is +written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"--has been reading _Sir +George_ (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. HENNIKER has the courage to put +forth in one volume. At the outset, the writing is a little slipshod. +Mrs. HENNIKER has, moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When +she can't summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page +appears the following startling announcement--"The March winds this +year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian would therefore +[why therefore?] never allow her to walk out without a respirator, +till they blew no longer from the East." We assume that, as soon as +respirators blew from the West, this injunction would be withdrawn. +But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets forward in her story, the style improves, +"which's" disappear as they did in _Macbeth's_ time, and the tale +is told in simple strenuous language. _Uncle George_ is a character +finely conceived, and admirably drawn. + +The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for sending +a volume of DE QUINCEY's _Posthumorous Works_. A small dose of +them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, may be confidently +recommended to admirers of _The Opium Eater_, and will probably be +found of considerable value to some who hitherto may have been the +victims of _insomnia_. Highly recommended by the Faculty. + +(_Signed._) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +At the Court Theatre, _Le Feu Toupinel_, adapted for the English +stage as _The Late Lamented_, is decidedly funny, that is, if you can +once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the immoral +vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has +departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his +immoralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out during +his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and +punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the French for +the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an English audience? +That's the point. The run must decide. If the best possible acting can +carry it along, then that it has got; for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has +frequently had better chances, yet she has never worked harder, and +never has she more deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be +said of Mr. STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, +whose make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of +his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's _Mr. +Fawcett_, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of the scenes in +which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. CAPE, as _Parker_, the +Confidential Servant, is excellent. There's plenty of "go" in it, but +will it "stay"? + +Great attraction at the Lyceum! _The Corsican Brothers_ and _Nance +Oldfield_! ELLEN TERRY as _Nance_ is delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, +if you please, "_For_--all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN +is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as _Nance_, +and then as _Mrs. Oldfield_, the actress, in the characters that +_Nance_ assumes. For 'tis ELLEN playing _Nancy_, and _Nancy_ again +playing Tragedy and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never +was so old a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and +they're all Old. There are two _Oldfields_ and two _Oldworthys_. +Mr. WENMAN as _Oldfield Senior_, or the Old Obadiah, is a trifle too +blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not prepared to say that a +country attorney of that period wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. +His son _Alexander_, the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. +GORDON CRAIG, who is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; +but in the whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his +broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, this young +actor may justly describe himself as of the "Touch-and-go" school, and +be, like "the livin' skeleton" mentioned by _Sam Weller_, "proud o' +the title." Miss KATE PHILLIPS as _Anne's_ sister--though, as Mr. +J.L. T-LE observed, as she is younger than _Anne_, she cannot well be +her Anne-sister--is as bright and lively as need be, considering her +menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's house. Visit +Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her very much "at home" in the part. +After which _The Corsican Brothers_ revived, Ghost and all. + +[Illustration: The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the +Lyceum.] + +When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was produced, the +twin who lived in Corsica, Brother _Fabien_, used to behave in the +wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it some years ago does not remember +how he used to chuck his gun up in the air, when it caught on to a +hook in the wall! with what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette +from an enormous flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on +the hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in the +Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the appetite of +Master _Fabien_, who, after a hard day's sport, came in ready for +anything, and ate everything! It was the only occasion when this +fearless son of destiny ever "bolted." But, my! how the food used to +disappear! what a short time the supper occupied, and how very much +third best the poor stranger came off under the hospitable roof of +the _Dei Franchis_. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice +is done to it, _and_ to the weary traveller. Never was such an unhappy +tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of Corsica; he is choke-full +of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to say of course, but he never gets +a chance, as _Fabien_ tells him family stories one after the other, as +if he hadn't had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever +so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother _Fabien_ breaks off +in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can't be +told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like +an opening for some light Boulevardian chit-chat, is presented with a +flat candlestick and bowed off to bed, without being allowed a word to +say for himself. All this is just the same as ever; there have been +no alterations nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned +as are the exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at +the Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and the +latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight of it, do +Messrs. _Irving dei Franchi_ and _M. Terriss de Château Renaud_, until +the latter collapses, and "subsequent proceedings interested him no +more." As long as the strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can +draw a good and shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant +a house as he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this +piece to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a +great play for Doublin'. _Exeunt omnes._ + + * * * * * + +THE EPIDEMIC.--Up to now Members of Parliament have been generally +considered as "influential personages." This year many M.P.'s will be +remembered as "very influenzial personages." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, +BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)! + +_Daughter of the House_. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, HOW DID YOU LIKE +THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DINNER?" + +_The Professor_ (_innocently_). "MY DEAR GIRL, SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST +CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! _I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!_"] + + * * * * * + +IN A MAZE. + + "Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted + was so obscure that he only 'more or less' understood it + himself, and which, indeed, is of '_plusquam_-Thucydidean' + dimness and involution.... There is no excuse, we must say, + for the muddle into which the Government has got over the + Bill.... The House of Commons has adjourned for a short + holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through + Committee.... There still remained all the new clauses, for + which no time had been found."--_Times_. + +_Little Bill loquitur_:-- + + Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you _can_,--and who can if you + can't, Sir?-- + Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I have strayed till I'm + all of a pant, Sir. + Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've been on my feet ever + since, Sir. + And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and the pains in my back + make me wince, Sir. + Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for he only strayed in the + gutter, + While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and _my_ feeling of lostness + is utter. + Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn't + in it. + Oh stop, _do_ stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down half a + minute. + + I really thought you knew the way out--which I own _I_'m unable to guess, + Sir-- + And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled "more or + less," Sir. + The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so jimble-jumbled; + It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along which we have staggered + and stumbled. + I thought you _were_ a cool card. Mister BALFOUR, and did know your way + about. Sir, + But what I should like to know at present is, when we are like to get + out, Sir. + How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who gets lost in his own + Great Maze, Sir! + Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost _your_ way,--you, whom people so + cosset and praise Sir. + You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and you're always as + cool as a cucumber. + Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you see, such a smart + pioneer as are _you_ cumber? + You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool, + and clever. + Yet I feel a doubt. When _shall_ we get out?--which I _can't_ go on + wandering for ever! + +_Mazemaster loquitur_:-- + + Poor little man! Yes, I _had_ a plan, and a perfectly plain one, too, boy; + But--I fear--for a moment--I've--lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully sorry for + _you_ boy! + You have been on your feet for a precious long time, and all this + roundaboutation, + _Is_ "_plusquam_-Thucydidean," perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation. + But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" there's abundance of + "humour" about me, + And though for a jiffy I _seem_ at a loss, don't you come for to go for to + doubt me. + + 'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I've let slip + for a moment, + And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indulge in invidious + comment: + The _Times_, too, may gird, and declare 'tis absurd not to know _one's own + Labyrinth_ better. + The _Times_ is my friend, but a trifle too fond of the goad and the scourge + and the fetter; + You really can't rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip + and the closure; + Though I _should_ enjoy--but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our + composure! + _When shall we get out?_ That's a matter of doubt, cross-hedges my pathway + still chequer, + The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; we'll get clear--if you + keep up your pecker! + + * * * * * + +CHANGE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SHILLINGS. + +There is a singular directness of purpose in the following +advertisement which appears in the _Daily News_:-- + + REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s. + +The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum. +It seems odd. One often wants change for a sovereign, and even oftener +wants the sovereign itself. But what precise coin a man hands you when +he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A MAZE. + +MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M _SO_ TIRED!" + +MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,--AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE +OUT OF IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dealer's Man_ (_confidentially_). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. +JUST SUIT _YOU_, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, SIR!--_YOU CAN SIT ON HIM +A'MOST ANYWHERE!_"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, May 5_.--Received the following letter from TOLLAND +yesterday:-- + +45, _Main Street, Billsbury, May 3._ + +DEAR MR. PATTLE, + +A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the day after +to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the Beaconsfield Club, to +consider some important questions affecting your Candidature and the +plan of campaign to be adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may +be able to make it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive +a wire from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have +lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health is +causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has +attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the +advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which +was backed by the Labour Members. Sir THOMAS, however, abstained from +the division on the Second Reading. It is just possible that, under +the circumstances, he may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds +very shortly, and we must be prepared for every emergency. + +Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND. + +It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the BELLAMYS to +the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the +theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off everything. MARY BELLAMY +will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote specially to her to apologise and +explain. They're sure to get that beast POMFRET to take them instead. +He's always hanging round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's +Confession Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to +show it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):-- + + Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he + _Must_ answer, if he knows what's what, "My favourite name is MARY." + +And this:-- + + The vice I detest and abhor above all + Is not dancing four _times_ with _you_ at a ball. + +And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you rather be, +if you were not yourself?"-- + + I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair, + Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair. + +They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked me, when +I called the other day, if I didn't think it wonderfully clever. I +know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of thought +to get them done in prose, and even then they turned out the most +ordinary, commonplace things. However I thought they pleased MARY, +and now POMFRET steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's +father once published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the +household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she thought +"a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly refined and +delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most selfish and calculating +ruffians outside a convict prison, and always haggles over his +luncheon bills at the Club, till the head-waiter and all the rest +nearly go off their heads. + +However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the Committee +after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some canvassing soon, +and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain myself more fully (1) on +the Temperance Question and the question of Compensation to Publicans; +(2) on the Women's Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; +(4) on Foreign Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main +Drainage Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more +than one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the +Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, in +which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress clothes at +the meetings had annoyed a good many of my supporters, and that +he ventured to suggest to me, for my own good, that I should wear +ordinary dress. It seems a good many of the lower lot thought it +looked uppish. I'm glad enough not to have to do it any more. There +were other points, but I'm too tired to remember them. By the way, I +have subscribed to about a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have +promised to get Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. +Back to London to-morrow. What a life! + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST "LABOR PROGRAM." + +(_BY A NEW-UNIONIST._) + + I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true + That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u." + But, _per contra_, informing my "program" you see + Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS. + +(_By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer_.)] + + * * * * * + +IN A LOCK.--A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE. + + "_Lock! Lock!_"--Shock! Rock! That's a pretty frock bulging over the + gunwale! + She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which is fuming out + of the Steam-Launch funnel. + Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're awfully crowded this + first Spring holiday, + Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious Senators out + for a jolly day + Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot rod with the + toll-net ending it + Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, there are many + worse ways of spending it,-- + Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash for his dry + Exchequer + With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping up his + financial pecker + With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in Cambridge blue are + exceeding bonny; + B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in his element--eh, + my sonny? + And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the stern-sheets yonder would + find the steering + Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with T-M H-LY + jeering. + S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his back--that + broad back of his!--in it. + Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all get out in + another minute. + Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the front when the + lock-gates sever. + What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the skilful, the + dull, the clever, + The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the puffing launch, + and the trim outrigger, + The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter who toils + like a nigger, + All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates shutting + slowly behind them, + And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the + race you may presently find them. + The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might be + handling. Bless us! + Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil like a shirt of + Nessus? + Well, Union_ist_ or Separat_ist_, or chap with a twist like + C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M, + Or howling PAT, or Aristo_crat_ with manners like BRUMMEL and voice + like BRAHAM, + Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial SM-TH, the new-made + Warden, + All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like silver, the + banks a garden, + _Much_ worse might do than tog up in blue and join a crew on the + rolling river, + "Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party or personal, + leaving "liver," + And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all party-jobbers, all + jibbers and jolters, + In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or it might be + BOULTER's! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY. + +_Young Lady_. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE _NEXT_ THING TO DO, AFTER +PUTTING THE MEAT AND POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?" + +_Village Girl_. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15_.--This entry in Diary is dated +from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated in the County I have the +honour to represent. Haven't been to Westminster this week. Hear, +through usual channels of information, that House adjourns to-day +for Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; +a few doors and chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact +is, majority absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us +have formed House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get +through business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at +Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties and all +sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of Committees +still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one of the +Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. JACKSON +looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS whips up the +Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS +ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE +MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, +being supported by GEORGIE HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES +FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. +On Front Opposition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, +OSBORNE AP MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet +arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W. +RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, when +issued. + +CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK LOCKWOOD draws us +out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON BORTHWICK throws an air of +fashionable society around us; the Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall +head in our midst; ISAAC HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating +story of how he discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON +passes the time writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the +Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously fumigated +before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get back to Westminster +(nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through +Committee; and here is the Grand Young GARDNER _and_ his wife--Lady +WINIFRED, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery. + +Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM ROOSE, +whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep," +he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they +storm and fret at Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and +lie reclining. Pleasant to hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his +morning rounds, stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say +'74; Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast +chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; de +Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried +sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of champagne, take +a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear +friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port won't do you any harm." + +Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back to the +grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. _Business done_.--All taking +long breaths. + + * * * * * + +THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.--In the House of Commons on the Motion of +the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P., +be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, Leader of the Opposition, _pro +tem._, moved to amend the Resolution by adding "at once." This was +agreed to _nem. con._ The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to +remove Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might +catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. Influenza +left sitting on Members generally.--_Extract from the Fifteenth of +May's Parliamentary Report_. + + * * * * * + +A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS! + +(_BY A PERPLEXED READER OF THE PENNY PAPERS._) + +[Illustration] + + When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to adopt a suggestion + of GILBERT's), + When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many + walnuts or filberts; + When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social + craze--there are many!-- + Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool for your thoughts + would advance you a penny. + + You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly + shrink from it, harries you. + Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl with a _penchant_ for + you, ups and marries you. + And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,--that figment, that + fraud, that illusion, + Where, _what_ will you be? And you can't find a key to the epoch's + chaotic confusion. + It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what a tyrannic majority + May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to + Authority. + The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can't understand, + nor can anyone, + And _that_ is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if 'tis + not a penny one. + + Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and + maundering; + And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in dim deserts of + Sentiment wandering. + Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Cruscan and + drivelling, + Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," seems a mixture of + diddling and snivelling. + There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his + claws on the Nation, + And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as _he_ thinks) without + compensation; + And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes bedward, must have _his_ + reflections nightmarish! + It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarcest to + govern a parish. + MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives _his_ soul pain--it's + a squeamish one!-- + He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, _not_ a + Beamish One! + These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of a + dust up, + One would think without _them_ we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole + of creation would bust up. + But verily why men should _new_ worship Hymen,--who, just as unshackled as + Cupid,-- + (See decision _Re_ JACKSON), take burdens their backs on, I can_not_ + conceive. It seems stupid + Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose "ownness" there's + desperate doubt of, + And which (if she's _nous_) you can't keep _in_ your house, nor yet (if + she's "savvy") keep _out_ of! + What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter + and fumble. + In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a + jumble. + Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle + (as 'ARRY sees) + Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles + and Pharisees! + Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it + thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad + whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright, + from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter" + and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter + upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone? + I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born + of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, + and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and + curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't + explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions + and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose + lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught, + who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have + sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One! + + * * * * * + +_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA. + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE +LAW COURTS._) + +[Illustration: Catching.] + +Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned +profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found +their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and +beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in +term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed +with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver. +But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable +and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too +ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally +a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the chambers I +occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the Defence in the +cause of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_. It was a Patent Case, and one of +the deepest possible interest. It is my good fortune to know the +Defendant, personally, and it was through his kind offices that the +instructions to appear for him were left at my chambers. My friend +and client (who is unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has +recently patented and produced a most important invention, which +greatly facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those +useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose for +which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable inventions, the +patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring consisting of the section +of the thicker end of an elephant's tusk cut to an appropriate size +and hollowed out. It is necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a +fashion that, when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained +by the adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can +also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and jewels +for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for purchasers of +smaller means. I must say that when the ring was shown to me I was +greatly struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and +could not understand how Mr. QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to +be so badly advised as to bring an action for infringement, merely on +the strength of _his_ patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with +the ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle +closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my duty +to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my case (as I +invariably do) _con amore_. I hunted up all the causes in the Digest, +that seemed to be on all-fours with the matter in dispute, and spent +days in the Public Library of the Patent Office searching for patents +having to do with table-napkins. As the specifications were not +consecutively published, I had to wade through a large number of these +interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For instance, +the first specification I would take out of the box in which it was +kept, would perhaps have to do with house-raising without disturbance +to the foundations, the second would prove to be an article half +umbrella, half revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an +extremely quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself +picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do +nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance of +my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by burglars +by casement concussions. I propose calling this valuable little +instrument (which is founded to some extent on the simple construction +by which the figures in a child's box of wooden soldiers are enabled +to advance and retire in a scissors-like fashion), when produced, the +Policeman's Upper Floor Window Tapper. + +The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a mass of +carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready to defend the +originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, to the death. In my +notes before me I had the skeleton of a really fine oration, which I +felt (if I mastered my normal nervousness) would bristle with epigram, +and thrill with heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply +interested was I in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my +friend's opening, and only became aware of what was happening in +Court by the rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, +and disappeared. I looked at the clock--it was only noon--and, +consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in advance of the time +usually selected for the mid-day adjournment. And then, to my dismay, +I found that his Lordship was suffering from the influenza! Well, +there was nothing to do but to collect my papers, and, assisted +by PORTINGTON, return to my chambers. The next day my head ached +violently, and I could not move. Then I have a recollection +of dictating to my wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I +subsequently discovered were neither despatched nor delivered. + + * * * * * + +When I awoke, I found that the matter of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_ had +been arranged and settled--out of Court! + +_Pump-handle Court._ (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 23, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" + id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version, by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. IV.—THE WILD DUCK.</h3> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>At</i> WERLE's <i>house. In front a + richly-upholstered study</i>. (R.) <i>a green-baize door + leading to</i> WERLE's <i>office. At back, open folding + doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in which a + brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired Waiters + in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts of + "Bravo!"</i> Old Mr. WERLE <i>is heard making a long + speech, proposing—according to the custom of + Norwegian society on such occasions—the health of his + Housekeeper</i>, Mrs. SÖRBY. <i>Presently several + short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired</i> Chamberlains, + <i>enter from the dining-room, with</i> HIALMAR EKDAL, + <i>who writhes shyly under their remarks.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Chamberlain</i>. As we are the sole surviving specimens + of Norwegian nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as + aristocratic sparklers by enlarging upon the enormous amount we + have eaten, and chaffing HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our + host's son, for being a professional Photographer?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/241.png" + alt="'Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!'" /> + </a>"Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!" + </div> + + <p><i>The other Chamberlains</i>. Bravo! We will.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They do; delight of</i> HIALMAR. Old WERLE <i>comes + in, leaning on his</i> Housekeeper's <i>arm, followed by + his son</i>, GREGERS WERLE.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Old Werle</i> (<i>dejectedly</i>). Thirteen at table! + (<i>To</i> GREGERS, <i>with a meaning glance at</i> HIALMAR.) + This is the result of inviting an old College friend who has + turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on <i>him</i>, + indeed!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He passes on gloomily.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>to Gregers</i>). I am almost sorry I + came. Your old min is <i>not</i> friendly. Yet he set me up as + a Photographer fifteen years ago. <i>Now</i> he takes me down! + But for him, I should never have married GINA, who, you may + remember, was a servant in your family once.</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. What? my old College friend married fifteen + years ago—and to our GINA, of all people! If I had not + been up at the works all these years, I suppose I should have + heard something of such an event. But my father never mentioned + it. Odd!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He ponders</i>; Old EKDAL <i>comes out through the + green-baize door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying + copying work.</i> Old WERLE <i>says "Ugh" and "Puh" + involuntarily.</i> HIALMAR <i>shrinks back, and looks + another way. A</i> Chamberlain <i>asks him pleasantly if he + knows that old man.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i>. I—oh no. Not in the least. No + relation!</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i> (<i>shocked</i>). What, HIALMAR, you, with + your great soul, deny your own father!</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>vehemently</i>). Of course—what + else <i>can</i> a Photographer do with a disreputable old + parent, who has been in a Penitentiary for making a fraudulent + map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The Chamberlains are + not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate on my + head! [<i>Goes out hastily, feeling it.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Sörby</i> (<i>archly</i>). Any Nobleman here say + "Cold Punch"?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her + out in search of it with enthusiasm</i>. GREGERS + <i>approaches his father, who wishes he would go.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe + you. I am nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner + once, and it's my firm belief you deserved a prison quite as + much as he did. However, you surely need not have married our + GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. You know very well she was no + better than she should have been!</p> + + <p><i>Old Werle</i>. True—but then no more is Mrs. SÖRBY. + And <i>I</i> am going to marry <i>her</i>—if you have no + objection, that is.</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. None in the world! How can I object to a + stepmother who is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present + moment with the Norwegian nobility? I am not so overstrained as + all that. But really I can<i>not</i> allow my old friend + HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike mind, to remain + in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my mission in + life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his home + is built upon a lie. He will be <i>so</i> much obliged to me! + [<i>Takes his hat, and goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Old Werle</i>. Ha!—I am a wealthy merchant, of + dubious morals, and I am about to marry my housekeeper, who is + on intimate terms with the Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son + who loathes me, and who is either an Ibsenian satire on the + Master's own ideals, or else an utterly impossible prig—I + don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter myself my + household affords an accurate and realistic picture of + Scandinavian Society!</p> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>HIALMAR EKDAL's <i>Photographic Studio. Cameras, + neck-rests, and other instruments of torture lying + about</i>. GINA EKDAL <i>and</i> HEDWIG, <i>her daughter, + aged 14, and wearing spectacles, discovered sitting up + for</i> HIALMAR.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedvig</i>. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of + brandy and a jug of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. + Father is in society, dining out. He promised he would bring me + home something nice!</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>coming in, in evening dress</i>). And he + has not forgotten his promise, my child. Behold! (<i>he + presents her with the menu card</i>; HEDVIG <i>gulps down her + tears</i>; HIALMAR <i>notices her disappointment, with + annoyance.</i>) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining + out and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are + disgracefully tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I + am, I won't have any <i>beer</i> now! What a selfish brute I + am! (<i>Relenting.</i>) You may bring me just a little drop. + (<i>He bursts into tears.</i>) I will play you a plaintive + Bohemian dance on my flute. (<i>He does.</i>) No beer at such a + sacred moment as this! (<i>He drinks.</i>) Ha, this is real + domestic bliss!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[GREGERS WERLE <i>comes in, in a countrified + suit.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. I have left my father's + home—dinner-party and all—for ever. I am coming to + lodge with you.</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>still melancholy</i>). Have some bread + and butter. You won't? then I <i>will</i>. I want it, after + your father's lavish hospitality. (HEDVIG <i>goes to fetch + bread and butter.</i>) My daughter—a poor shortsighted + little thing—but mine own.</p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. My father has had to take to strong glasses, + too—he can hardly see after dinner. (<i>To</i> Old EKDAL, + <i>who stumbles in very drunk.</i>) How can you, Lieutenant + EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman once, live in this poky + little hole?</p> + + <p><i>Old Ekdal</i>. I am a sportsman still. The only + difference is that once I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot + tame rabbits in a garret. Quite as amusing—and safer.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He goes to sleep on a sofa.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>with pride</i>). It is quite true. You + shall see.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret + full of rabbits and poultry—moonlight effect.</i> + HEDVIG <i>returns with bread and butter.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedvig</i> (<i>to</i> GREGERS). If you stand just there, + you get the best view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of + her, because she gives the play its title, you know, and has to + be brought into the dialogue a good deal. Your father, peppered + her out shooting, and we saved her life.</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i>. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not + large—but still we preserve, you see. And my poor old + father and I sometimes get a day's gunning in the garret. He + shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate wife here <i>will</i> + call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, pointed it + at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels who + had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He + <i>didn't</i> shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the + decisive moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in + life. Now we only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I + am very happy and contented as I am. [<i>He eats some bread and + butter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Gregers</i>. But you ought <i>not</i> to be. You have a + good deal of the Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and + daughter. You are living in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will + take you out for a walk and explain what I mean. It is my + mission in life. Good night! [<i>He goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Gina and Hedwig</i>. What <i>was</i> the gentleman + talking about, Father?</p> + + <p><i>Hialmar</i> (<i>eating bread and butter</i>). He has been + dining, you know. No matter—what <i>we</i> have to do + now, is to put my disreputable old whitehaired pariah of a + parent to bed.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He and</i> GINA <i>lift old</i> ECCLES<i>—we + mean old</i> EKDAL—<i>up by the legs and arms, and + take him off to led as the Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.—"Take 'Art of + GRACE!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" + id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/242.png" + alt="PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL." /> + </a> + + <h3>PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY + COUNCIL.</h3>(<i>See opposite page.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" + id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> + + <h3>KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE.</h3> + + <p><i>Arms</i>.—Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in + white robes reaching to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all + quite proper, for <i>Grace</i>. 2. A wildman or ratepayer + rampant, for <i>Thrift</i>. 3. A bend (or bar) sinister on a + chart vert, for <i>Bloomsbury</i>. 4. Three demi-councillors, + wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for + <i>Vacancy</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Crest</i>.—On a beadle's hat erased, a new + broom.</p> + + <p><i>Supporters</i>.—Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, + grasping an eyeglass sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both + gorged.</p> + + <p><i>Motto</i>.—"<i>Ubi nunc sumus?</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A page from the Diary of a would-be but couldn't-be + Duellist.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Arrived on the ground ready to fight my + opponent to the death. We had just measured the ground, when an + agent of Police appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp + hurriedly. Duel postponed till to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—New spot chosen. Pistols this time + instead of rapiers. Just as we were about to fire, appearance + of the agents of the law. Postponement again absolutely + necessary.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Once more ready to meet. Both of us + rather amused at the precautions we have to take to prevent + interruption. Opponent obligingly suggested a new and suitable + spot for the settlement of our little differences. Found it to + be a most excellent selection, but before we could fight, once + more interrupted. Both of us greatly annoyed, and arranged to + meet to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Amused to find myself first in the + field—my opponent five minutes late. Both of us had come + before the seconds, and so spent the time in a pleasant little + chat, and cigarettes. My opponent not half a bad fellow when + you come to know him. Just as he was in the middle of a most + amusing story, our seconds arrived—with the Police! + Postponement once more imperative.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Opponent turned up first, and, at my + request, completed his yesterday's story—one of the best + I have ever heard. Most amusing chap—should have liked to + have heard another, when, finding ourselves uninterrupted, we + thought we had better seize the opportunity to settle our + affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just time + to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as + before.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Met again. Really quite pleased to + have made the acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my + opponent. Full of fun and anecdote. On comparing notes, we + found that we had entirely forgotten what on earth we had + quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged that if we fired + at anyone, our target should be the Police.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All who love English horses, and back English + Trade,</p> + + <p>Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade."</p> + + <p>No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row</p> + + <p>Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so.</p> + + <p>First-rate English horses in holiday guise!</p> + + <p>A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes.</p> + + <p>And then the Society—surely <i>that</i> will + be</p> + + <p>Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY</p> + + <p>(Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you + no doubt</p> + + <p>What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about.</p> + + <p>Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses!</p> + + <p>That charms a horse-lover. To plump the + resources</p> + + <p>Of such a Society—by their support</p> + + <p>In subscriptions—all friends of the horse and + of sport</p> + + <p>Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers + willing,</p> + + <p>Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver + shilling!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>HISTORY AND ART.—Doubts have been thrown on the + genuineness of the story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as + illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's well-known and striking picture + in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON affirms, according to the + best of his high lights, that he has simply portrayed the naked + truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is with him. + Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and + painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our + part, we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this + picture illustrates, to some incident in the life of the + celebrated Miss ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY + MARTIN." The legend may be found in some work by that + voluminous writer <i>Finis</i>, or by the oft-quoted + <i>Ibid</i>, under the quaint heading, <i>Historia Mei et Beati + Martini</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/243-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243-1.png" + alt="No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget." /> + </a>No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on + the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget. + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/243-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243-2.png" + alt="No. 259. 'A Select Committee.' H. Stacy Marks, R.A." /> + </a>No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A. + </div> + + <p>No. 278. "<i>The Fleecy Charge</i>." A title that suggests + an attempt at extortion, but is here applied to <i>A picture in + wool-work</i> by the veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course + whatever the artist may ask for it, it will always be "sheep at + the price."</p> + + <p>No. 388. "<i>Writing a Message to St. Helena</i>." Hope St. + Helena received it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as + suggested by the name of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, + A.</p> + + <p>No. 519. "<i>Gorse</i>." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why + certainly, as a matter of gorse.</p> + + <p>No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "<i>Eventide</i>" by + KNIGHT.</p> + + <p>No. 1161. "<i>A Maiden Fair</i>." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never + heard of such a thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental + countries. She seems to be having all the fun of the Fair to + herself. This concludes a series of Storeys in four numbers, + 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his "Tale." "And now my + STOREY's done," that is, for this Season.</p> + + <h4>SCULPTURE.</h4> + + <p>No. 1962. "<i>Triumph</i>" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite + a triumph. The SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared + with A. JONES.</p> + + <p>No. 2001. "<i>H.M. Stanley—bust.</i>" Is he? Poor + STANLEY! It is to be hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will + forgive the sculptor, who is C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the + indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but BIRCH'd at last!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" + id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVIII.—MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF + BLACKMORE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> R.D. EXMOOR, <i>Author of "Born a Spoon;" + "Paddock Rowel;" "Wit and Witty;" "Tips for Marriers;" "Scare a + Fawn;" "'Brellas for Rain," &c., &c., &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple + tales. Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that + haply there may be some, and they not of the baser sort, + who reading therein as the humour takes them, may draw from + it nurture for their minds. For truly it is in the nature + of fruit-trees, whereof, without undue vaunting, I may + claim to know somewhat, that the birds of the air, the + tits, the wrens, ay, even unto the saucy little sparrows, + whose firm spirit in warfare hath ever been one of my + chiefest marvels, should gather in the branches seeking for + provender. So in books, and herein too I have some small + knowledge, those that are of the ripest sort are ever the + first to be devoured. And if the public be pleased, how + shall he that made the book feel aught but gratitude. + Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth to the + faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much + compensating merit."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/244.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, + turning the one to honour and a high seat, and making the other + to lie low in the estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said + in our parish) he think no small beer of himself, hath + seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS TIDDLER, should set down in + order some doings wherein I had a share. And herein I make no + show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer and not + skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts, + but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God + knows, there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and + to that breezy carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man + treading sturdily the winding paths and rough places of his + native tongue. Notwithstanding I take no small encouragement + from this, that whereas of those that have made to my knowledge + the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing (though of this I + am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for the work), the + writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, some, + writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement + of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, + whereof, thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, + deeming theirs the happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a + slice of our good country cheese and a draught of the foaming + cider bring contentment. Each to his own fashion, say I, and + the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always been in a manner plain + and unvarnished, like to the large oak press wherein mother + stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such as the + mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath + never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing + myself in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance + yawns and stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is + paper and ink are cheaper than when I began to write.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come + home from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of + Cambridge, that our whole household was gathered together in + our parlour. Mother sat by the head of the great table, ladling + out a savoury mess of porridge, not rashly, as the custom of + some is, but carefully, like a prudent housewife, guarding her + own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her daughters, and + next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the work of + the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and + parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and + over her hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour + of meandering pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my + marks were always low, I being better skilled in the giving of + raps with the closed fist than in the making of maps with inky + fingers—a bootless toil, as it always hath seemed to me. + Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting coy glances + at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue + sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back + to the shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN + DOUBLEFACE" he was ever called, not without a sly hint of + increasing obesity, for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and + sinews, was no small trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did + himself right royally whenever porridge was in question. All + these sat, peaceably swallowing, while I, at the table's foot, + faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with my forefinger, + forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, lest + BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should + make sport of me.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite + that my bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no + desire for my food that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the + burden of my thoughts wore deeply inward with the dwelling of + my mind on this view and on that of it. But, on a sudden, what + a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a jumping on chairs, + what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! For, out of a + corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, and never + so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then + mother's old tom-cat, <i>Trouncer</i>, slowly rising, stretches + his limbs, and bares his claws, making ready for what is to + come, but not, me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, + for rats have teeth, as <i>Trouncer</i> knows—ay, and can + use them to much purpose. Therefore <i>Trouncer</i>, making + belief to be brave, as is the custom both of cats and of others + that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their fore-paws, + gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes GIRT + JAN's terrier, <i>Rouser</i>, at last—where hath the + terrier been tarrying? Terriers should not tarry—and, + with scant ceremony, leaps upon <i>Trouncer</i>. Cuff, cuff, go + the claws. <i>Trouncer</i> swears roundly. Nay, + <i>Trouncer</i>, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair. + To him, good <i>Rouser</i>, to him, my man. But <i>Rouser</i> + hath forgot the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many + a day shall remember. <i>Rouser</i> hath the rat in view. Round + the parlour they go, helter-skelter, <i>Rouser</i> on the + tracks of the life-desiring rat, while the maids upon the + chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! he hath him + pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in + rat-land.</p> + + <p>And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but + trod him flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in + terror of his boot; and <i>Trouncer</i> returns, smugly + purring, and mother rates the blushing maids.</p> + + <p>And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the + doing.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>Now I with <i>Rouser</i> at my heels went manfully on my + way. Gaily I went over the parched brown wastes where lately + the flood had lain heavy upon the land, past the whispering + copses of fir and beech and oak that top the upland, through + the yellowing corn that stands waving golden promise in the + valley, till I came to where the land bends suddenly with a + sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, now swollen + to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. Sudden I + stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the + TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, + they being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring + moisture both within and without. Never till my dying day shall + I forget the sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a + tuffet, her beautiful blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, + her jug of curds and whey scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while + beside her, lolling at ease with the slothful stretch of his + great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet in his fierce eyes sat + SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER that would make a + feast of her.</p> + + <p>I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my + limbs, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" + id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> but in a moment I was with + them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. Quickly he + turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones + cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, + and a hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he + had me off my feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to + the right, and then with one last heave I flung him on his + back, and had the end of it, leaving him dead and flattened + where he lay.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her + fondly, saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, + thinking it only right that mother should use ceremony with my + love. But she, poor darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing + her own happiness or the issue of the fight. For 'tis the way + of women ever to faint if the occasion serve and a man's arms + be there to prop them. And often in the warm summer-time, when + the little lads and lasses gather to the plucking of buttercups + and daisies, likening them gleefully to the gold and silver of + a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown matronly, sitteth + on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale of giant + SPIDER and his fate.—[THE END.]</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/245-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245-1.png" + alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a> + </div> + + <p>One of our "Co."—and the Baron may observe that, when + "Co." is written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"—has + been reading <i>Sir George</i> (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. + HENNIKER has the courage to put forth in one volume. At the + outset, the writing is a little slipshod. Mrs. HENNIKER has, + moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When she can't + summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page + appears the following startling announcement—"The March + winds this year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian + would therefore [why therefore?] never allow her to walk out + without a respirator, till they blew no longer from the East." + We assume that, as soon as respirators blew from the West, this + injunction would be withdrawn. But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets + forward in her story, the style improves, "which's" disappear + as they did in <i>Macbeth's</i> time, and the tale is told in + simple strenuous language. <i>Uncle George</i> is a character + finely conceived, and admirably drawn.</p> + + <p>The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for + sending a volume of DE QUINCEY's <i>Posthumorous Works</i>. A + small dose of them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, + may be confidently recommended to admirers of <i>The Opium + Eater</i>, and will probably be found of considerable value to + some who hitherto may have been the victims of <i>insomnia</i>. + Highly recommended by the Faculty.</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & + Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>EVENINGS FROM HOME.</h2> + + <p>At the Court Theatre, <i>Le Feu Toupinel</i>, adapted for + the English stage as <i>The Late Lamented</i>, is decidedly + funny, that is, if you can once get over the idea that all its + humour depends upon the immoral vagaries of an elderly + scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has departed this life in + the odour of respectability, without his immoralities ever + having been discovered. Had he been found out during his + lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and + punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the + French for the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an + English audience? That's the point. The run must decide. If the + best possible acting can carry it along, then that it has got; + for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has frequently had better chances, + yet she has never worked harder, and never has she more + deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be said of Mr. + STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, whose + make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of + his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's + <i>Mr. Fawcett</i>, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun + of the scenes in which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. + CAPE, as <i>Parker</i>, the Confidential Servant, is excellent. + There's plenty of "go" in it, but will it "stay"?</p> + + <p>Great attraction at the Lyceum! <i>The Corsican Brothers</i> + and <i>Nance Oldfield</i>! ELLEN TERRY as <i>Nance</i> is + delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, if you please, + "<i>For</i>—all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN + is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as + <i>Nance</i>, and then as <i>Mrs. Oldfield</i>, the actress, in + the characters that <i>Nance</i> assumes. For 'tis ELLEN + playing <i>Nancy</i>, and <i>Nancy</i> again playing Tragedy + and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never was so old + a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and they're + all Old. There are two <i>Oldfields</i> and two + <i>Oldworthys</i>. Mr. WENMAN as <i>Oldfield Senior</i>, or the + Old Obadiah, is a trifle too blusterous, but on the other hand, + I am not prepared to say that a country attorney of that period + wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. His son <i>Alexander</i>, + the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. GORDON CRAIG, who + is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; but in the + whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his + broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, + this young actor may justly describe himself as of the + "Touch-and-go" school, and be, like "the livin' skeleton" + mentioned by <i>Sam Weller</i>, "proud o' the title." Miss KATE + PHILLIPS as <i>Anne's</i> sister—though, as Mr. J.L. T-LE + observed, as she is younger than <i>Anne</i>, she cannot well + be her Anne-sister—is as bright and lively as need be, + considering her menial position, which is rather odd in her + sister's house. Visit Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her + very much "at home" in the part. After which <i>The Corsican + Brothers</i> revived, Ghost and all.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/245-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245-2.png" + alt="The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum." /> + </a>The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the Lyceum. + </div> + + <p>When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was + produced, the twin who lived in Corsica, Brother <i>Fabien</i>, + used to behave in the wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it + some years ago does not remember how he used to chuck his gun + up in the air, when it caught on to a hook in the wall! with + what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette from an enormous + flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on the + hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in + the Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the + appetite of Master <i>Fabien</i>, who, after a hard day's + sport, came in ready for anything, and ate everything! It was + the only occasion when this fearless son of destiny ever + "bolted." But, my! how the food used to disappear! what a short + time the supper occupied, and how very much third best the poor + stranger came off under the hospitable roof of the <i>Dei + Franchis</i>. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice + is done to it, <i>and</i> to the weary traveller. Never was + such an unhappy tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of + Corsica; he is choke-full of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to + say of course, but he never gets a chance, as <i>Fabien</i> + tells him family stories one after the other, as if he hadn't + had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever so long. + Then, when on the entrance of his mother <i>Fabien</i> breaks + off in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently + can't be told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees + something like an opening for some light Boulevardian + chit-chat, is presented with a flat candlestick and bowed off + to bed, without being allowed a word to say for himself. All + this is just the same as ever; there have been no alterations + nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned as are the + exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at the + Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and + the latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight + of it, do Messrs. <i>Irving dei Franchi</i> and <i>M. Terriss + de Château Renaud</i>, until the latter collapses, and + "subsequent proceedings interested him no more." As long as the + strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can draw a good and + shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant a house as + he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this piece + to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a + great play for Doublin'. <i>Exeunt omnes.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE EPIDEMIC.—Up to now Members of Parliament have + been generally considered as "influential personages." This + year many M.P.'s will be remembered as "very influenzial + personages."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" + id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/246.png" + alt="THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!" /> + </a> + + <h3>THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, + BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)!</h3> + + <p><i>Daughter of the House</i>. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, + HOW DID YOU LIKE THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO + DINNER?"</p> + + <p><i>The Professor</i> (<i>innocently</i>). "MY DEAR GIRL, + SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! <i>I NEVER + TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN A MAZE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he + admitted was so obscure that he only 'more or less' + understood it himself, and which, indeed, is of + '<i>plusquam</i>-Thucydidean' dimness and involution.... + There is no excuse, we must say, for the muddle into which + the Government has got over the Bill.... The House of + Commons has adjourned for a short holiday, but the Irish + Land Purchase Bill is not yet through Committee.... There + still remained all the new clauses, for which no time had + been found."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Little Bill loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you + <i>can</i>,—and who can if you can't, + Sir?—</p> + + <p>Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I + have strayed till I'm all of a pant, Sir.</p> + + <p>Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've + been on my feet ever since, Sir.</p> + + <p>And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and + the pains in my back make me wince, Sir.</p> + + <p>Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for + he only strayed in the gutter,</p> + + <p>While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and + <i>my</i> feeling of lostness is utter.</p> + + <p>Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old + Hampton Court isn't in it.</p> + + <p>Oh stop, <i>do</i> stop! for I feel I shall drop if + I don't sit down half a minute.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I really thought you knew the way out—which I + own <i>I</i>'m unable to guess, Sir—</p> + + <p>And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and + are puzzled "more or less," Sir.</p> + + <p>The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so + jimble-jumbled;</p> + + <p>It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along + which we have staggered and stumbled.</p> + + <p>I thought you <i>were</i> a cool card. Mister + BALFOUR, and did know your way about. Sir,</p> + + <p>But what I should like to know at present is, when + we are like to get out, Sir.</p> + + <p>How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who + gets lost in his own Great Maze, Sir!</p> + + <p>Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost <i>your</i> + way,—you, whom people so cosset and praise + Sir.</p> + + <p>You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and + you're always as cool as a cucumber.</p> + + <p>Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you + see, such a smart pioneer as are <i>you</i> cumber?</p> + + <p>You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I + know you are cool, and clever.</p> + + <p>Yet I feel a doubt. When <i>shall</i> we get + out?—which I <i>can't</i> go on wandering for + ever!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mazemaster loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poor little man! Yes, I <i>had</i> a plan, and a + perfectly plain one, too, boy;</p> + + <p>But—I fear—for a + moment—I've—lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully + sorry for <i>you</i> boy!</p> + + <p>You have been on your feet for a precious long time, + and all this roundaboutation,</p> + + <p><i>Is</i> "<i>plusquam</i>-Thucydidean," perhaps, + and at any rate mean aggravation.</p> + + <p>But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" + there's abundance of "humour" about me,</p> + + <p>And though for a jiffy I <i>seem</i> at a loss, + don't you come for to go for to doubt me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated + the clue I've let slip for a moment,</p> + + <p>And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout + and indulge in invidious comment:</p> + + <p>The <i>Times</i>, too, may gird, and declare 'tis + absurd not to know <i>one's own Labyrinth</i> + better.</p> + + <p>The <i>Times</i> is my friend, but a trifle too fond + of the goad and the scourge and the fetter;</p> + + <p>You really can't rule the whole civilised world with + the aid of the whip and the closure;</p> + + <p>Though I <i>should</i> enjoy—but no matter, my + boy, let us try to maintain our composure!</p> + + <p><i>When shall we get out?</i> That's a matter of + doubt, cross-hedges my pathway still chequer,</p> + + <p>The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; + we'll get clear—if you keep up your pecker!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Change for Thirty-Five Shillings.</h3> + + <p>There is a singular directness of purpose in the following + advertisement which appears in the <i>Daily + News</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. + 35<i>s.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the + exact sum. It seems odd. One often wants change for a + sovereign, and even oftener wants the sovereign itself. But + what precise coin a man hands you when he wants thirty-five + shillings change is not quite clear.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" + id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/247.png" + alt="IN A MAZE." /></a> + + <h3>IN A MAZE.</h3> + + <p>MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M <i>SO</i> + TIRED!"</p> + + <p>MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE + RIGHT,—AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE OUT OF IT!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" + id="page249"></a>[pg 249]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/249.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/249.png" + alt="At the Horse Dealer's." /></a> <i>Dealer's + Man</i> (<i>confidentially</i>). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. JUST + SUIT <i>YOU</i>, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, + SIR!—<i>YOU CAN SIT ON HIM A'MOST ANYWHERE!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>Billsbury, May 5</i>.—Received the following letter + from TOLLAND yesterday:—</p> + + <p class="author">45, <i>Main Street, Billsbury, May 3.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PATTLE,</p> + + <p>A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the + day after to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the + Beaconsfield Club, to consider some important questions + affecting your Candidature and the plan of campaign to be + adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may be able to make + it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive a wire + from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have + lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health + is causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He + has attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many + of the advanced section by his conduct over the Strike + Subvention Bill, which was backed by the Labour Members. Sir + THOMAS, however, abstained from the division on the Second + Reading. It is just possible that, under the circumstances, he + may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds very shortly, and + we must be prepared for every emergency.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND.</p> + + <p>It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the + BELLAMYS to the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to + dine and go to the theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off + everything. MARY BELLAMY will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote + specially to her to apologise and explain. They're sure to get + that beast POMFRET to take them instead. He's always hanging + round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's Confession + Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to show + it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is + apt to stare, he</p> + + <p><i>Must</i> answer, if he knows what's what, "My + favourite name is MARY."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And this:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The vice I detest and abhor above all</p> + + <p>Is not dancing four <i>times</i> with <i>you</i> at + a ball.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you + rather be, if you were not yourself?"—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your + hair,</p> + + <p>Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed + upon the stair.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked + me, when I called the other day, if I didn't think it + wonderfully clever. I know, when I wrote my answers in her + album, it took me days of thought to get them done in prose, + and even then they turned out the most ordinary, commonplace + things. However I thought they pleased MARY, and now POMFRET + steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's father once + published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the + household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she + thought "a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly + refined and delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most + selfish and calculating ruffians outside a convict prison, and + always haggles over his luncheon bills at the Club, till the + head-waiter and all the rest nearly go off their heads.</p> + + <p>However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the + Committee after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some + canvassing soon, and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain + myself more fully (1) on the Temperance Question and the + question of Compensation to Publicans; (2) on the Women's + Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; (4) on Foreign + Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main Drainage + Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more than + one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the + Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, + in which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress + clothes at the meetings had annoyed a good many of my + supporters, and that he ventured to suggest to me, for my own + good, that I should wear ordinary dress. It seems a good many + of the lower lot thought it looked uppish. I'm glad enough not + to have to do it any more. There were other points, but I'm too + tired to remember them. By the way, I have subscribed to about + a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have promised to get + Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. Back to + London to-morrow. What a life!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Latest "Labor Program."</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a New-Unionist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true</p> + + <p>That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u."</p> + + <p>But, <i>per contra</i>, informing my "program" you + see</p> + + <p>Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" + id="page250"></a>[pg 250]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/250.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/250.png" + alt="POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS." /> + </a> + + <h3>POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS.</h3>(<i>By + Our Own Instantaneous Photographer</i>.) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" + id="page251"></a>[pg 251]</span> + + <h2>IN A LOCK.—A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>Lock! Lock!</i>"—Shock! Rock! That's a + pretty frock bulging over the gunwale!</p> + + <p>She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, + which is fuming out of the Steam-Launch funnel.</p> + + <p>Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're + awfully crowded this first Spring holiday,</p> + + <p>Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our + serious Senators out for a jolly day</p> + + <p>Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot + rod with the toll-net ending it</p> + + <p>Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, + there are many worse ways of spending it,—</p> + + <p>Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash + for his dry Exchequer</p> + + <p>With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than + keeping up his financial pecker</p> + + <p>With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in + Cambridge blue are exceeding bonny;</p> + + <p>B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in + his element—eh, my sonny?</p> + + <p>And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the + stern-sheets yonder would find the steering</p> + + <p>Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot + with T-M H-LY jeering.</p> + + <p>S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put + his back—that broad back of his!—in it.</p> + + <p>Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall + all get out in another minute.</p> + + <p>Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to + the front when the lock-gates sever.</p> + + <p>What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, + the skilful, the dull, the clever,</p> + + <p>The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the + puffing launch, and the trim outrigger,</p> + + <p>The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy + punter who toils like a nigger,</p> + + <p>All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old + gates shutting slowly behind them,</p> + + <p>And where are those who so shoved to the front? At + the tail of the race you may presently find them.</p> + + <p>The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty + skiff might be handling. Bless us!</p> + + <p>Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil + like a shirt of Nessus?</p> + + <p>Well, Union<i>ist</i> or Separat<i>ist</i>, or chap + with a twist like C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M,</p> + + <p>Or howling PAT, or Aristo<i>crat</i> with manners + like BRUMMEL and voice like BRAHAM,</p> + + <p>Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial + SM-TH, the new-made Warden,</p> + + <p>All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream + like silver, the banks a garden,</p> + + <p><i>Much</i> worse might do than tog up in blue and + join a crew on the rolling river,</p> + + <p>"Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party + or personal, leaving "liver,"</p> + + <p>And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all + party-jobbers, all jibbers and jolters,</p> + + <p>In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, + or it might be BOULTER's!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/251.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/251.png" + alt="ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY." /></a> + + <h3>ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY.</h3> + + <p><i>Young Lady</i>. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE + <i>NEXT</i> THING TO DO, AFTER PUTTING THE MEAT AND + POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Village Girl</i>. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15</i>.—This entry + in Diary is dated from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated + in the County I have the honour to represent. Haven't been to + Westminster this week. Hear, through usual channels of + information, that House adjourns to-day for Whitsun Recess. + When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; a few doors and + chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact is, majority + absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us have formed + House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get through + business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at + Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties + and all sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of + Committees still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one + of the Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. + JACKSON looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS + whips up the Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and + ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, + SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL + BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, being supported by GEORGIE + HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD + and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. On Front Opposition + Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, OSBORNE AP + MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet arrived, + but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W. + RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, + when issued.</p> + + <p>CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK + LOCKWOOD draws us out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON + BORTHWICK throws an air of fashionable society around us; the + Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall head in our midst; ISAAC + HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating story of how he + discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON passes the time + writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the + Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously + fumigated before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get + back to Westminster (nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would + be getting passed through Committee; and here is the Grand + Young GARDNER <i>and</i> his wife—Lady WINIFRED, of + course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery.</p> + + <p>Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM + ROOSE, whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, + drink and sleep," he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do + nothing." So whilst they storm and fret at Westminster, here, + in hollow Lotos Land we live and lie reclining. Pleasant to + hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his morning rounds, + stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say '74; + Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast + chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; + de Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a + fried sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of + champagne, take a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A + long breath, dear friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port + won't do you any harm."</p> + + <p>Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back + to the grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. <i>Business + done</i>.—All taking long breaths.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.—In the House of Commons on + the Motion of the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved + that Influenza, M.P., be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, + Leader of the Opposition, <i>pro tem.</i>, moved to amend the + Resolution by adding "at once." This was agreed to <i>nem. + con.</i> The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to remove + Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might + catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. + Influenza left sitting on Members generally.—<i>Extract + from the Fifteenth of May's Parliamentary Report</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" + id="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> + + <h2>A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Perplexed Reader of the Penny Papers.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/252-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/252-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to + adopt a suggestion of GILBERT's),</p> + + <p>When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, + or munched too many walnuts or filberts;</p> + + <p>When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then + each queer social craze—there are + many!—</p> + + <p>Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool + for your thoughts would advance you a penny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, + though you timidly shrink from it, harries you.</p> + + <p>Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl + with a <i>penchant</i> for you, ups and marries + you.</p> + + <p>And ties you for life to the thing called a + Wife,—that figment, that fraud, that + illusion,</p> + + <p>Where, <i>what</i> will you be? And you can't find a + key to the epoch's chaotic confusion.</p> + + <p>It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what + a tyrannic majority</p> + + <p>May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in + vain you appeal to Authority.</p> + + <p>The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you + can't understand, nor can anyone,</p> + + <p>And <i>that</i> is a thought, with delirium fraught, + an appalling, if 'tis not a penny one.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, + absurdly romantic and maundering;</p> + + <p>And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in + dim deserts of Sentiment wandering.</p> + + <p>Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both + Della-Cruscan and drivelling,</p> + + <p>Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," + seems a mixture of diddling and snivelling.</p> + + <p>There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, + and would lay his claws on the Nation,</p> + + <p>And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as + <i>he</i> thinks) without compensation;</p> + + <p>And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes + bedward, must have <i>his</i> reflections + nightmarish!</p> + + <p>It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs + are scarcest to govern a parish.</p> + + <p>MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives + <i>his</i> soul pain—it's a squeamish + one!—</p> + + <p>He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere + Angry Boy he, <i>not</i> a Beamish One!</p> + + <p>These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick + such a doose of a dust up,</p> + + <p>One would think without <i>them</i> we were wrong + stern and stem, and the whole of creation would bust + up.</p> + + <p>But verily why men should <i>new</i> worship + Hymen,—who, just as unshackled as + Cupid,—</p> + + <p>(See decision <i>Re</i> JACKSON), take burdens their + backs on, I can<i>not</i> conceive. It seems stupid</p> + + <p>Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose + "ownness" there's desperate doubt of,</p> + + <p>And which (if she's <i>nous</i>) you can't keep + <i>in</i> your house, nor yet (if she's "savvy") keep + <i>out</i> of!</p> + + <p>What <i>is</i> "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and + falter! The Beaks seem to palter and fumble.</p> + + <p>In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and + vow that the world is a jumble.</p> + + <p>Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the + whole darned caboodle (as 'ARRY sees)</p> + + <p>Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of + confounded old foodles and Pharisees!</p> + + <p>Yes, that's what <i>I</i> think about Marriage and + Drink—if you may call it thought, which with + frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad + whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me + wake in a fright, from visions most solemn of column on + column of such "printed matter" and paragraph chatter, + as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter upon + a lead platter—as mad as a hatter, and who will + relieve me? Can anyone?</p> + + <p>I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of + spectres and spooks (born of papers and books) with, + most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, and + bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of + tester and curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive + me insane if <i>some</i> one can't explain where the + mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions + and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and + Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose lunes are more lunatic + still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught, + who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught + (what so long I have sought) a Clear Comforting + Thought—though a Penny One!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2><i>IN RE</i> THE INFLUENZA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Autobiographical Note on the appearance of the + Epidemic in the Law Courts.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/252-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/252-2.png" + alt="Catching." /></a>Catching. + </div> + + <p>Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the + learned profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have + found their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by + degrees and beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely + pass a week in term time without appearing in Court holding a + consent brief, or armed with authority to move (unopposed) for + the appointment of a receiver. But that was long ago—a + deep contrast with to-day—when my admirable and excellent + Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too ample, + time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally + a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the + chambers I occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the + Defence in the cause of <i>Quicksilver</i> v. <i>Nore</i>. It + was a Patent Case, and one of the deepest possible interest. It + is my good fortune to know the Defendant, personally, and it + was through his kind offices that the instructions to appear + for him were left at my chambers. My friend and client (who is + unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has recently + patented and produced a most important invention, which greatly + facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those + useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose + for which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable + inventions, the patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring + consisting of the section of the thicker end of an elephant's + tusk cut to an appropriate size and hollowed out. It is + necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a fashion that, + when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained by the + adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can + also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and + jewels for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for + purchasers of smaller means. I must say that when the ring was + shown to me I was greatly struck with the cleverness and + simplicity of the idea, and could not understand how Mr. + QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to be so badly advised + as to bring an action for infringement, merely on the strength + of <i>his</i> patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with the + ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle + closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my + duty to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my + case (as I invariably do) <i>con amore</i>. I hunted up all the + causes in the Digest, that seemed to be on all-fours with the + matter in dispute, and spent days in the Public Library of the + Patent Office searching for patents having to do with + table-napkins. As the specifications were not consecutively + published, I had to wade through a large number of these + interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For + instance, the first specification I would take out of the box + in which it was kept, would perhaps have to do with + house-raising without disturbance to the foundations, the + second would prove to be an article half umbrella, half + revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an extremely + quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself picked + up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do + nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance + of my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by + burglars by casement concussions. I propose calling this + valuable little instrument (which is founded to some extent on + the simple construction by which the figures in a child's box + of wooden soldiers are enabled to advance and retire in a + scissors-like fashion), when produced, the Policeman's Upper + Floor Window Tapper.</p> + + <p>The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a + mass of carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready + to defend the originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, + to the death. In my notes before me I had the skeleton of a + really fine oration, which I felt (if I mastered my normal + nervousness) would bristle with epigram, and thrill with + heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply interested was I + in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my friend's opening, + and only became aware of what was happening in Court by the + rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, and + disappeared. I looked at the clock—it was only + noon—and, consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in + advance of the time usually selected for the mid-day + adjournment. And then, to my dismay, I found that his Lordship + was suffering from the influenza! Well, there was nothing to do + but to collect my papers, and, assisted by PORTINGTON, return + to my chambers. The next day my head ached violently, and I + could not move. Then I have a recollection of dictating to my + wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I subsequently + discovered were neither despatched nor delivered.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When I awoke, I found that the matter of <i>Quicksilver</i> + v. <i>Nore</i> had been arranged and settled—out of + Court!</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Pump-handle Court.</i> (<i>Signed</i>) A. + BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 23, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13352-h.htm or 13352-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/3/5/13352/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 23, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 2, 2004 [EBook #13352] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 23, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION, BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. IV.--THE WILD DUCK. + +ACT I. + + _At WERLE's house. In front a richly-upholstered study. + (R.) a green-baize door leading to WERLE's office. At back, + open folding doors, revealing an elegant dining-room, in + which a brilliant Norwegian dinner-party is going on. Hired + Waiters in profusion. A glass is tapped with a knife. Shouts + of "Bravo!" Old Mr. WERLE is heard making a long speech, + proposing--according to the custom of Norwegian society on + such occasions--the health of his Housekeeper, Mrs. SOeRBY. + Presently several short-sighted, flabby, and thin-haired + Chamberlains, enter from the dining-room, with HIALMAR + EKDAL, who writhes shyly under their remarks._ + +_A Chamberlain_. As we are the sole surviving specimens of Norwegian +nobility, suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic sparklers +by enlarging upon the enormous amount we have eaten, and chaffing +HIALMAR EKDAL, the friend of our host's son, for being a professional +Photographer? + +[Illustration: "Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you!"] + +_The other Chamberlains_. Bravo! We will. + + [_They do; delight of HIALMAR. Old WERLE comes in, leaning + on his Housekeeper's arm, followed by his son, GREGERS + WERLE._ + +_Old Werle_ (_dejectedly_). Thirteen at table! (_To_ GREGERS, _with +a meaning glance at_ HIALMAR.) This is the result of inviting an old +College friend who has turned Photographer! Wasting vintage wines on +_him_, indeed! + + [_He passes on gloomily._ + +_Hialmar_ (_to Gregers_). I am almost sorry I came. Your old min is +_not_ friendly. Yet he set me up as a Photographer fifteen years ago. +_Now_ he takes me down! But for him, I should never have married GINA, +who, you may remember, was a servant in your family once. + +_Gregers_. What? my old College friend married fifteen years ago--and +to our GINA, of all people! If I had not been up at the works all +these years, I suppose I should have heard something of such an event. +But my father never mentioned it. Odd! + + [_He ponders; Old EKDAL comes out through the green-baize + door, bowing, and begging pardon, carrying copying work. Old + WERLE says "Ugh" and "Puh" involuntarily. HIALMAR shrinks + back, and looks another way. A Chamberlain asks him + pleasantly if he knows that old man._ + +_Hialmar_. I--oh no. Not in the least. No relation! + +_Gregers_ (_shocked_). What, HIALMAR, you, with your great soul, deny +your own father! + +_Hialmar_ (_vehemently_). Of course--what else _can_ a Photographer +do with a disreputable old parent, who has been in a Penitentiary +for making a fraudulent map? I shall leave this splendid banquet. The +Chamberlains are not kind to me, and I feel the crushing hand of fate +on my head! [_Goes out hastily, feeling it._ + +_Mrs. Soerby_ (_archly_). Any Nobleman here say "Cold Punch"? + + [_Every Nobleman says "Cold Punch," and follows her out in + search of it with enthusiasm. GREGERS approaches his father, + who wishes he would go._ + +_Gregers_. Father, a word with you in private. I loathe you. I am +nothing if not candid. Old EKDAL was your partner once, and it's my +firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did. However, +you surely need not have married our GINA to my old friend HIALMAR. +You know very well she was no better than she should have been! + +_Old Werle_. True--but then no more is Mrs. SOeRBY. And _I_ am going to +marry _her_--if you have no objection, that is. + +_Gregers_. None in the world! How can I object to a stepmother who +is playing Blind Man's Buff at the present moment with the Norwegian +nobility? I am not so overstrained as all that. But really I can_not_ +allow my old friend HIALMAR, with his great, confiding, childlike +mind, to remain in contented ignorance of GINA's past. No, I see my +mission in life at last! I shall take my hat, and inform him that his +home is built upon a lie. He will be _so_ much obliged to me! [_Takes +his hat, and goes out._ + +_Old Werle_. Ha!--I am a wealthy merchant, of dubious morals, and I +am about to marry my housekeeper, who is on intimate terms with the +Norwegian aristocracy. I have a son who loathes me, and who is either +an Ibsenian satire on the Master's own ideals, or else an utterly +impossible prig--I don't know or care which. Altogether, I flatter +myself my household affords an accurate and realistic picture of +Scandinavian Society! + +ACT II. + + _HIALMAR EKDAL's Photographic Studio. Cameras, neck-rests, + and other instruments of torture lying about. GINA EKDAL and + HEDWIG, her daughter, aged 14, and wearing spectacles, + discovered sitting up for HIALMAR._ + +_Hedvig_. Grandpapa is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a jug +of hot water, doing some fresh copying work. Father is in society, +dining out. He promised he would bring me home something nice! + +_Hialmar_ (_coming in, in evening dress_). And he has not forgotten +his promise, my child. Behold! (_he presents her with the menu card; +HEDVIG gulps down her tears_; HIALMAR _notices her disappointment, +with annoyance._) And this all the gratitude I get! After dining out +and coming home in a dress-coat and boots, which are disgracefully +tight! Well, well, just to show you how hurt I am, I won't have any +_beer_ now! What a selfish brute I am! (_Relenting._) You may bring +me just a little drop. (_He bursts into tears._) I will play you a +plaintive Bohemian dance on my flute. (_He does._) No beer at such a +sacred moment as this! (_He drinks._) Ha, this is real domestic bliss! + + [_GREGERS WERLE comes in, in a countrified suit._ + +_Gregers_. I have left my father's home--dinner-party and all--for +ever. I am coming to lodge with you. + +_Hialmar_ (_still melancholy_). Have some bread and butter. You won't? +then I _will_. I want it, after your father's lavish hospitality. +(_HEDVIG goes to fetch bread and butter._) My daughter--a poor +shortsighted little thing--but mine own. + +_Gregers_. My father has had to take to strong glasses, too--he +can hardly see after dinner. (_To Old EKDAL, who stumbles in very +drunk._) How can you, Lieutenant EKDAL, who were such a keen sportsman +once, live in this poky little hole? + +_Old Ekdal_. I am a sportsman still. The only difference is that once +I shot bears in a forest, and now I pot tame rabbits in a garret. +Quite as amusing--and safer. + + [_He goes to sleep on a sofa._ + +_Hialmar_ (_with pride_). It is quite true. You shall see. + + [_He pushes back sliding doors, and reveals a garret full of + rabbits and poultry--moonlight effect. HEDVIG returns with + bread and butter._ + +_Hedvig_ (_to GREGERS_). If you stand just there, you get the best +view of our Wild Duck. We are very proud of her, because she gives the +play its title, you know, and has to be brought into the dialogue a +good deal. Your father, peppered her out shooting, and we saved her +life. + +_Hialmar_. Yes, GREGERS, our estate is not large--but still we +preserve, you see. And my poor old father and I sometimes get a day's +gunning in the garret. He shoots with a pistol, which my illiterate +wife here _will_ call a "pigstol." He once, when he got into trouble, +pointed it at himself. But the descendant of two lieutenant-colonels +who had never quailed before living rabbit yet, faltered then. He +_didn't_ shoot. Then I put it to my own head. But at the decisive +moment, I won the victory over myself. I remained in life. Now we +only shoot rabbits and fowls with it. After all I am very happy and +contented as I am. [_He eats some bread and butter._ + +_Gregers_. But you ought _not_ to be. You have a good deal of the +Wild Duck about you. So have your wife and daughter. You are living +in marsh vapours. To-morrow I will take you out for a walk and explain +what I mean. It is my mission in life. Good night! [_He goes out._ + +_Gina and Hedwig_. What _was_ the gentleman talking about, Father? + +_Hialmar_ (_eating bread and butter_). He has been dining, you know. +No matter--what _we_ have to do now, is to put my disreputable old +whitehaired pariah of a parent to bed. + + [_He and GINA lift old ECCLES--we mean old EKDAL--up by the + legs and arms, and take him off to led as the Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE FOR THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL. +(_See opposite page._)] + + * * * * * + +KEY TO THE PROPOSED HERALDIC DEVICE. + +_Arms_.--Quarterly: 1. A female figure habited in white robes reaching +to the ankles, with Arms elevated, all quite proper, for _Grace_. 2. +A wildman or ratepayer rampant, for _Thrift_. 3. A bend (or bar) +sinister on a chart vert, for _Bloomsbury_. 4. Three demi-councillors, +wings elevated, regardant an empty seat, for _Vacancy_. + +_Crest_.--On a beadle's hat erased, a new broom. + +_Supporters_.--Dexter, a Paul Pry regardant, grasping an eyeglass +sinister. Sinister, a Stiggins. Both gorged. + +_Motto_.--"_Ubi nunc sumus?_" + + * * * * * + +FAMILIARITY BREEDS RESPECT. + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A WOULD-BE BUT COULDN'T-BE DUELLIST._) + +_Monday_.--Arrived on the ground ready to fight my opponent to the +death. We had just measured the ground, when an agent of Police +appeared upon the scene, and we had to decamp hurriedly. Duel +postponed till to-morrow. + +_Tuesday_.--New spot chosen. Pistols this time instead of rapiers. +Just as we were about to fire, appearance of the agents of the law. +Postponement again absolutely necessary. + +_Wednesday_.--Once more ready to meet. Both of us rather amused at +the precautions we have to take to prevent interruption. Opponent +obligingly suggested a new and suitable spot for the settlement of +our little differences. Found it to be a most excellent selection, +but before we could fight, once more interrupted. Both of us greatly +annoyed, and arranged to meet to-morrow. + +_Thursday_.--Amused to find myself first in the field--my opponent +five minutes late. Both of us had come before the seconds, and so +spent the time in a pleasant little chat, and cigarettes. My opponent +not half a bad fellow when you come to know him. Just as he was in the +middle of a most amusing story, our seconds arrived--with the Police! +Postponement once more imperative. + +_Friday_.--Opponent turned up first, and, at my request, completed +his yesterday's story--one of the best I have ever heard. Most amusing +chap--should have liked to have heard another, when, finding ourselves +uninterrupted, we thought we had better seize the opportunity to +settle our affair of honour. Our customary luck! Seemingly had just +time to kill one another, when enter the Police! Programme as before. + +_Saturday_.--Met again. Really quite pleased to have made the +acquaintance of such a nice fellow as my opponent. Full of fun and +anecdote. On comparing notes, we found that we had entirely forgotten +what on earth we had quarrelled about. So shook hands and arranged +that if we fired at anyone, our target should be the Police. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR THE CART-HORSE PARADE SOCIETY. + + All who love English horses, and back English Trade, + Should welcome the annual "Cart-Horse Parade." + No function of Fashion on Racecourse or Row + Should "fetch" our equestrian enthusiast so. + First-rate English horses in holiday guise! + A sight that to please a true Britisher's eyes. + And then the Society--surely _that_ will be + Supported by Britons. Ask good WALTER GILBEY + (Cambridge House, Regent's Park). He will tell you no doubt + What the C.-H.P.S. have, some time, been about. + Fancy prizes to Carmen for care of their horses! + That charms a horse-lover. To plump the resources + Of such a Society--by their support + In subscriptions--all friends of the horse and of sport + Should surely be eager; so, horse-lovers willing, + Despatch the gold pound plus the odd silver shilling! + + * * * * * + +HISTORY AND ART.--Doubts have been thrown on the genuineness of the +story about St. ELIZABETH of Hungary as illustrated by Mr. CALDERON's +well-known and striking picture in this year's Academy. Mr. CALDERON +affirms, according to the best of his high lights, that he has simply +portrayed the naked truth. So far, in a certain sense, the Court is +with him. Still, historians are neither unbiassed nor infallible, and +painters are inclined to sacrifice much for effect. For our part, +we should be inclined to refer the situation, which this picture +illustrates, to some incident in the life of the celebrated Miss +ELIZABETH MARTIN, generally known as "BETTY MARTIN." The legend may +be found in some work by that voluminous writer _Finis_, or by the +oft-quoted _Ibid_, under the quaint heading, _Historia Mei et Beati +Martini_. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) + +[Illustration: No. 164. Pilling Him. Affectionate wife insisting on +the invalid taking a Bolus. Sidney Paget.] + +[Illustration: No. 259. "A Select Committee." H. Stacy Marks, R.A.] + +No. 278. "_The Fleecy Charge_." A title that suggests an attempt at +extortion, but is here applied to _A picture in wool-work_ by the +veteran, T. SYDNEY COOPER, R.A. Of course whatever the artist may ask +for it, it will always be "sheep at the price." + +No. 388. "_Writing a Message to St. Helena_." Hope St. Helena received +it. Probably forwarded by a winged messenger as suggested by the name +of the artist, which is EYRE CROWE, A. + +No. 519. "_Gorse_." By DAVID MURRAY. Good? Why certainly, as a matter +of gorse. + +No. 697. Rather mixed subject, being "_Eventide_" by KNIGHT. + +No. 1161. "_A Maiden Fair_." By G.A. STOREY, A. Never heard of such a +thing as "a Maiden Fair," except in Oriental countries. She seems to +be having all the fun of the Fair to herself. This concludes a series +of Storeys in four numbers, 356, 704, 1043 and 1161, making up his +"Tale." "And now my STOREY's done," that is, for this Season. + +SCULPTURE. + +No. 1962. "_Triumph_" of ADRIAN JONES. It is so. Quite a triumph. The +SMITHS, BROWNS and ROBINSONS nowhere compared with A. JONES. + +No. 2001. "_H.M. Stanley--bust._" Is he? Poor STANLEY! It is to be +hoped that the EMIN-ent explorer will forgive the sculptor, who is +C.B. BIRCH, A. Fancy the indomitable STANLEY never yet beaten, but +BIRCH'd at last! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XVIII.--MARIAN MUFFET: A ROMANCE OF BLACKMORE. + +(_BY_ R.D. EXMOOR, _AUTHOR OF "BORN A SPOON;" "PADDOCK ROWEL;" "WIT +AND WITTY;" "TIPS FOR MARRIERS;" "SCARE A FAWN;" "'BRELLAS FOR RAIN," +&C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes Mr. EXMOOR, "is another of my simple tales. + Yet I send it forth into the world thinking that haply there + may be some, and they not of the baser sort, who reading + therein as the humour takes them, may draw from it nurture + for their minds. For truly it is in the nature of fruit-trees, + whereof, without undue vaunting, I may claim to know somewhat, + that the birds of the air, the tits, the wrens, ay, even unto + the saucy little sparrows, whose firm spirit in warfare hath + ever been one of my chiefest marvels, should gather in the + branches seeking for provender. So in books, and herein too + I have some small knowledge, those that are of the ripest + sort are ever the first to be devoured. And if the public + be pleased, how shall he that made the book feel aught but + gratitude. Therefore I let it go, not being blind in truth + to the faults thereof, but with humble confidence too in much + compensating merit."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration] + +Fate, that makes sport alike of peasants and of kings, turning the +one to honour and a high seat, and making the other to lie low in the +estimation of men, though haply (as 'tis said in our parish) he think +no small beer of himself, hath seemingly ordained that I, THOMAS +TIDDLER, should set down in order some doings wherein I had a share. +And herein I make no show of learning, being but an undoctrined farmer +and not skilled in the tricks of style, as the word is in these parts, +but trusting simply to strength and honesty (whereof, God knows, +there is but little beyond the limits of our farm), and to that breezy +carriage of the pen which favoureth a plain man treading sturdily the +winding paths and rough places of his native tongue. Notwithstanding +I take no small encouragement from this, that whereas of those that +have made to my knowledge the bravest boasting and the loudest puffing +(though of this I am loth to speak, never having had a stomach for +the work), the writings often perish neglectfully and nothing said, +some, writing afar in quiet places removed from the busy rabblement +of towns, not seldom steer their course to fame and riches, whereof, +thanks be to Heaven, I never yet had covetousness, deeming theirs the +happier lot to whom a dry crust with haply a slice of our good country +cheese and a draught of the foaming cider bring contentment. Each to +his own fashion, say I, and the fashion of the TIDDLERS hath always +been in a manner plain and unvarnished, like to the large oak press +wherein mother stores her Sunday gown and other woman's finery such +as the mind of man, being at best but a coarse week-day creature, hath +never fairly conceived. But lo! I am tarrying on my way, losing myself +in a maze of cheap fancies, while the reader perchance yawns and +stretches his limbs as though for bed. All I know is paper and ink are +cheaper than when I began to write. + +CHAPTER II. + +Now it fell on a Summer morning, I being then but newly come home +from the Farmers' College, in the ancient town of Cambridge, that our +whole household was gathered together in our parlour. Mother sat by +the head of the great table, ladling out a savoury mess of porridge, +not rashly, as the custom of some is, but carefully, like a prudent +housewife, guarding her own. And by her side sat MOLLY and BETTY, her +daughters, and next to them the maids, and they that pertained to the +work of the house. First came old POLLY THISTLEDEW, gaunt of face, and +parched of skin, the wrinkles running athwart her face, and over her +hooked nose, like to the rivers drawn with much labour of meandering +pen in the schoolboys' maps, though for such my marks were always low, +I being better skilled in the giving of raps with the closed fist than +in the making of maps with inky fingers--a bootless toil, as it always +hath seemed to me. Next to her sat SALLY, the little milkmaid, casting +coy glances at mother, who would have none of them, but with undue +sternness, as I thought then, and still think, tossed them back to the +shame-faced SALLY. Lower down sat JOHN TOOKER, "GIRT JAN DOUBLEFACE" +he was ever called, not without a sly hint of increasing obesity, +for JOHN, though a mighty man of thews and sinews, was no small +trencherman, and, as the phrase is, did himself right royally whenever +porridge was in question. All these sat, peaceably swallowing, while +I, at the table's foot, faced mother, stirring my steaming bowl with +my forefinger, forgetting the heat thereof, but not daring to wince, +lest BETTY, whose tongue cut shrewdly when she had a mind, should make +sport of me. + +CHAPTER III. + +Although I had, for the most part, so very stout an appetite that my +bowl stood always first for the refilling, I had no desire for my food +that day, but idly sat and stirred, and the burden of my thoughts wore +deeply inward with the dwelling of my mind on this view and on that of +it. But, on a sudden, what a turmoil, what a rising of maids, what a +jumping on chairs, what a drawing up of gowns, and what a scurrying! +For, out of a corner, comes the great brown rat, gliding sedately, +and never so much as asking by your leave or with your leave. Then +mother's old tom-cat, _Trouncer_, slowly rising, stretches his limbs, +and bares his claws, making ready for what is to come, but not, +me-thinks, with much alacrity for the conflict, for rats have teeth, +as _Trouncer_ knows--ay, and can use them to much purpose. Therefore +_Trouncer_, making belief to be brave, as is the custom both of +cats and of others that walk on two legs, and have thumbs to their +fore-paws, gathers himself to the spring, but springs not. Then comes +GIRT JAN's terrier, _Rouser_, at last--where hath the terrier been +tarrying? Terriers should not tarry--and, with scant ceremony, leaps +upon _Trouncer_. Cuff, cuff, go the claws. _Trouncer_ swears roundly. +Nay, _Trouncer_, 'tis a coward's part to fly beneath the chair. +To him, good _Rouser_, to him, my man. But _Rouser_ hath forgot +the claw-bearer, though his bleeding nose for many a day shall +remember. _Rouser_ hath the rat in view. Round the parlour they go, +helter-skelter, _Rouser_ on the tracks of the life-desiring rat, while +the maids upon the chairs show ankles, in proof of terror, until, lo! +he hath him pinned fast, never more to stir, or clean his whiskers in +rat-land. + +And then all come down, and JAN boasts loudly how he all but trod him +flat, ay, and could have done so had rat not fled in terror of his +boot; and _Trouncer_ returns, smugly purring, and mother rates the +blushing maids. + +And I to the fields, having work to do, but liking not the doing. + +CHAPTER IV. + +Now I with _Rouser_ at my heels went manfully on my way. Gaily I went +over the parched brown wastes where lately the flood had lain heavy +upon the land, past the whispering copses of fir and beech and oak +that top the upland, through the yellowing corn that stands waving +golden promise in the valley, till I came to where the land bends +suddenly with a sharp turn from the eastward whence a pearly brook, +now swollen to a roaring torrent, babbles bravely over the stones. +Sudden I stopped as though a palsy had gripped me, though of the +TIDDLERS, as is well known, none hath ever suffered of a palsy, they +being for the most part a lusty race, and apt for enduring moisture +both within and without. Never till my dying day shall I forget the +sight that met my eyes. For there seated upon a tuffet, her beautiful +blue eyes fixed in horror and despair, her jug of curds and whey +scarce tasted, was my MARIAN, while beside her, lolling at ease with +the slothful stretch of his great limbs, and the flames as of Tophet +in his fierce eyes sat SPIDER, the great black-haired giant SPIDER +that would make a feast of her. + +I know not how I ran, nor what mighty strength was in my limbs, but +in a moment I was with them, and his hairy throat was in my clutch. +Quickly he turned upon me and fain had freed himself. Our breast-bones +cracked in the conflict, his arms wound round and round me, and a +hideous gleam of triumph was in his face. Thrice he had me off my +feet, but at the fourth close I swayed him to the right, and then with +one last heave I flung him on his back, and had the end of it, leaving +him dead and flattened where he lay. + +CHAPTER V. + +Then gently I bore my MARIAN home, and mother greeted her fondly, +saying, "Miss MUFFET, I presume?" which pleased me, thinking it only +right that mother should use ceremony with my love. But she, poor +darling, lay quiet and pale, scarce knowing her own happiness or the +issue of the fight. For 'tis the way of women ever to faint if the +occasion serve and a man's arms be there to prop them. And often +in the warm summer-time, when the little lads and lasses gather to +the plucking of buttercups and daisies, likening them gleefully to +the gold and silver of a rich man's coffers, my darling, now grown +matronly, sitteth on the tuffet in their midst, and telleth the tale +of giant SPIDER and his fate.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +One of our "Co."--and the Baron may observe that, when "Co." is +written it is not an abbreviation of "Coves"--has been reading _Sir +George_ (BENTLEY), a Novel, which Mrs. HENNIKER has the courage to put +forth in one volume. At the outset, the writing is a little slipshod. +Mrs. HENNIKER has, moreover, a wild passion for the conjunction. When +she can't summon another "which," she sticks in a "that." On one page +appears the following startling announcement--"The March winds this +year were unusually biting, and her nervous guardian would therefore +[why therefore?] never allow her to walk out without a respirator, +till they blew no longer from the East." We assume that, as soon as +respirators blew from the West, this injunction would be withdrawn. +But, as Mrs. HENNIKER, gets forward in her story, the style improves, +"which's" disappear as they did in _Macbeth's_ time, and the tale +is told in simple strenuous language. _Uncle George_ is a character +finely conceived, and admirably drawn. + +The Baron returns thanks to the publisher, W. HEINEMANN, for sending +a volume of DE QUINCEY's _Posthumorous Works_. A small dose of +them, taken occasionally the last thing at night, may be confidently +recommended to admirers of _The Opium Eater_, and will probably be +found of considerable value to some who hitherto may have been the +victims of _insomnia_. Highly recommended by the Faculty. + +(_Signed._) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +EVENINGS FROM HOME. + +At the Court Theatre, _Le Feu Toupinel_, adapted for the English +stage as _The Late Lamented_, is decidedly funny, that is, if you can +once get over the idea that all its humour depends upon the immoral +vagaries of an elderly scoundrel, an habitual criminal, who has +departed this life in the odour of respectability, without his +immoralities ever having been discovered. Had he been found out during +his lifetime, he would have been tried for bigamy, convicted, and +punished accordingly. This piece has been adapted from the French for +the English stage; but, query, is it adapted to an English audience? +That's the point. The run must decide. If the best possible acting can +carry it along, then that it has got; for, though Mrs. JOHN WOOD has +frequently had better chances, yet she has never worked harder, and +never has she more deserved the laughter she excites. The same may be +said of Mr. STANDING and Miss FILLIPPI, and also of Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, +whose make-up is perfect, especially the dressing and colouring of +his hair, which is an artistic triumph. Mr. GILBERT FARQUHAR's _Mr. +Fawcett_, the Solicitor, contributes much to the fun of the scenes in +which he appears with Mrs. JOHN WOOD; and Mr. CAPE, as _Parker_, the +Confidential Servant, is excellent. There's plenty of "go" in it, but +will it "stay"? + +Great attraction at the Lyceum! _The Corsican Brothers_ and _Nance +Oldfield_! ELLEN TERRY as _Nance_ is delightful. Chorus, Gentlemen, +if you please, "_For_--all our fancy, Dwells upon Nancy!" Our ELLEN +is charming in this, so natural and so theatrical: herself as _Nance_, +and then as _Mrs. Oldfield_, the actress, in the characters that +_Nance_ assumes. For 'tis ELLEN playing _Nancy_, and _Nancy_ again +playing Tragedy and Comedy. It is an old piece revived: there never +was so old a piece, for there are only four characters in it, and +they're all Old. There are two _Oldfields_ and two _Oldworthys_. +Mr. WENMAN as _Oldfield Senior_, or the Old Obadiah, is a trifle too +blusterous, but on the other hand, I am not prepared to say that a +country attorney of that period wouldn't be uncouth and blusterous. +His son _Alexander_, the Young Obadiah, is prettily played by Mr. +GORDON CRAIG, who is a trifle too windmilly with his hands and arms; +but in the whole play nothing becomes him so well as the pathos of his +broken-hearted exit. He was touching and going. Henceforth, this young +actor may justly describe himself as of the "Touch-and-go" school, and +be, like "the livin' skeleton" mentioned by _Sam Weller_, "proud o' +the title." Miss KATE PHILLIPS as _Anne's_ sister--though, as Mr. +J.L. T-LE observed, as she is younger than _Anne_, she cannot well be +her Anne-sister--is as bright and lively as need be, considering her +menial position, which is rather odd in her sister's house. Visit +Mistress NANCE TERRY; you'll find her very much "at home" in the part. +After which _The Corsican Brothers_ revived, Ghost and all. + +[Illustration: The Corsican Brothers and Nance Oldfield at the +Lyceum.] + +When some years ago the Irvingesque version of it was produced, the +twin who lived in Corsica, Brother _Fabien_, used to behave in the +wildest Corsican way. Who that saw it some years ago does not remember +how he used to chuck his gun up in the air, when it caught on to a +hook in the wall! with what gusto he used to light a tiny cigarette +from an enormous flaming brand snatched from the burning wood fire on +the hearth! and how badly the starving guest from Paris fared in the +Corsican household where he hadn't a chance against the appetite of +Master _Fabien_, who, after a hard day's sport, came in ready for +anything, and ate everything! It was the only occasion when this +fearless son of destiny ever "bolted." But, my! how the food used to +disappear! what a short time the supper occupied, and how very much +third best the poor stranger came off under the hospitable roof of +the _Dei Franchis_. Even now the supper is a brief one, but justice +is done to it, _and_ to the weary traveller. Never was such an unhappy +tourist! He comes to a house in the wilds of Corsica; he is choke-full +of Parisian gossip, he has a lot to say of course, but he never gets +a chance, as _Fabien_ tells him family stories one after the other, as +if he hadn't had such an opportunity or so good a listener for ever +so long. Then, when on the entrance of his mother _Fabien_ breaks off +in the middle of one of his many anecdotes, which evidently can't be +told before ladies, the Parisian gent, who now sees something like +an opening for some light Boulevardian chit-chat, is presented with a +flat candlestick and bowed off to bed, without being allowed a word to +say for himself. All this is just the same as ever; there have been +no alterations nor repairs; the piece is as curiously old-fashioned +as are the exquisitely correct costumes; while the Masked Ball at +the Opera and the Duel in the snow are as effective as ever, and the +latter, if anything, more so. They make a first-rate fight of it, do +Messrs. _Irving dei Franchi_ and _M. Terriss de Chateau Renaud_, until +the latter collapses, and "subsequent proceedings interested him no +more." As long as the strong right arm of the Corsican Brother can +draw a good and shining rapier, he will draw as good and brilliant +a house as he did on the first night of this revival. Why ought this +piece to go well in the first theatre in Ireland? Why? because it's a +great play for Doublin'. _Exeunt omnes._ + + * * * * * + +THE EPIDEMIC.--Up to now Members of Parliament have been generally +considered as "influential personages." This year many M.P.'s will be +remembered as "very influenzial personages." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE SIRENS ARE NOT THOSE WHO SING, +BUT THOSE WHO LISTEN (OR PRETEND TO)! + +_Daughter of the House_. "TELL ME, PROFESSOR BORAX, HOW DID YOU LIKE +THE LADY MAMMA GAVE YOU TO TAKE IN TO DINNER?" + +_The Professor_ (_innocently_). "MY DEAR GIRL, SHE'S SIMPLY THE MOST +CHARMING WOMAN I EVER MET! _I NEVER TALKED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!_"] + + * * * * * + +IN A MAZE. + + "Mr. BALFOUR brought up a new sub-section, which he admitted + was so obscure that he only 'more or less' understood it + himself, and which, indeed, is of '_plusquam_-Thucydidean' + dimness and involution.... There is no excuse, we must say, + for the muddle into which the Government has got over the + Bill.... The House of Commons has adjourned for a short + holiday, but the Irish Land Purchase Bill is not yet through + Committee.... There still remained all the new clauses, for + which no time had been found."--_Times_. + +_Little Bill loquitur_:-- + + Oh do, if you please, Mr. BALFOUR, Sir, if you _can_,--and who can if you + can't, Sir?-- + Get me out of this Maze, where for days and days I have strayed till I'm + all of a pant, Sir. + Twelve months ago we started, you know, and I've been on my feet ever + since, Sir. + And oh, if you please, I feel weak at the knees, and the pains in my back + make me wince, Sir. + Mister HOOD's "Lost Child" wasn't half as had, for he only strayed in the + gutter, + While this dreadful Maze is enough to craze; and _my_ feeling of lostness + is utter. + Oh, my poor feet! This is worse than Crete, and old Hampton Court isn't + in it. + Oh stop, _do_ stop! for I feel I shall drop if I don't sit down half a + minute. + + I really thought you knew the way out--which I own _I_'m unable to guess, + Sir-- + And now 'twould appear you are far from clear, and are puzzled "more or + less," Sir. + The paths are really so twirly-whirly, the hedges so jimble-jumbled; + It must be hundreds and hundreds of miles along which we have staggered + and stumbled. + I thought you _were_ a cool card. Mister BALFOUR, and did know your way + about. Sir, + But what I should like to know at present is, when we are like to get + out, Sir. + How LABBY will laugh at the Labyrinth-maker, who gets lost in his own + Great Maze, Sir! + Don't say, Sir, pray, that you've lost _your_ way,--you, whom people so + cosset and praise Sir. + You won't be hurried, and you can't be flurried, and you're always as + cool as a cucumber. + Can a little 'un like me, your own child, don't you see, such a smart + pioneer as are _you_ cumber? + You, the modern Theseus? Where's your Ariadne? Oh, I know you are cool, + and clever. + Yet I feel a doubt. When _shall_ we get out?--which I _can't_ go on + wandering for ever! + +_Mazemaster loquitur_:-- + + Poor little man! Yes, I _had_ a plan, and a perfectly plain one, too, boy; + But--I fear--for a moment--I've--lost the clue! Ah! I'm awfully sorry for + _you_ boy! + You have been on your feet for a precious long time, and all this + roundaboutation, + _Is_ "_plusquam_-Thucydidean," perhaps, and at any rate mean aggravation. + But you'll please understand I'm a very "cool hand;" there's abundance of + "humour" about me, + And though for a jiffy I _seem_ at a loss, don't you come for to go for to + doubt me. + + 'Tis most complicated, this Miz-Maze! I've stated the clue I've let slip + for a moment, + And LABBY, no doubt, and his henchmen, will shout and indulge in invidious + comment: + The _Times_, too, may gird, and declare 'tis absurd not to know _one's own + Labyrinth_ better. + The _Times_ is my friend, but a trifle too fond of the goad and the scourge + and the fetter; + You really can't rule the whole civilised world with the aid of the whip + and the closure; + Though I _should_ enjoy--but no matter, my boy, let us try to maintain our + composure! + _When shall we get out?_ That's a matter of doubt, cross-hedges my pathway + still chequer, + The clue I've let slip, but you just take my tip; we'll get clear--if you + keep up your pecker! + + * * * * * + +CHANGE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SHILLINGS. + +There is a singular directness of purpose in the following +advertisement which appears in the _Daily News_:-- + + REPORTER (27), now on Weekly, WANTS CHANGE. 35s. + +The advertiser not only wants change, but he mentions the exact sum. +It seems odd. One often wants change for a sovereign, and even oftener +wants the sovereign itself. But what precise coin a man hands you when +he wants thirty-five shillings change is not quite clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A MAZE. + +MASTER LAND BILL. "OH, MR. BALFOUR, I'M _SO_ TIRED!" + +MR. B. "CHEER UP, LITTLE MAN! NEXT TURN TO THE RIGHT,--AND I HOPE WE SHALL BE +OUT OF IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dealer's Man_ (_confidentially_). "NICE 'OSS, SIR. +JUST SUIT _YOU_, SIR. NICE PERMISCUOUS 'OSS, SIR!--_YOU CAN SIT ON HIM +A'MOST ANYWHERE!_"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_Billsbury, May 5_.--Received the following letter from TOLLAND +yesterday:-- + +45, _Main Street, Billsbury, May 3._ + +DEAR MR. PATTLE, + +A committee Meeting of our Council has been summoned for the day after +to-morrow (May 5) at eight o'clock P.M., at the Beaconsfield Club, to +consider some important questions affecting your Candidature and the +plan of campaign to be adopted in prosecuting it. I trust that you may +be able to make it convenient to attend, and shall be glad to receive +a wire from you to this effect. I may mention to you that I have +lately heard, in confidence, that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's health is +causing considerable anxiety to the Radical leaders here. He has +attended very few divisions lately, and has offended many of the +advanced section by his conduct over the Strike Subvention Bill, which +was backed by the Labour Members. Sir THOMAS, however, abstained from +the division on the Second Reading. It is just possible that, under +the circumstances, he may decide to apply for the Chiltern Hundreds +very shortly, and we must be prepared for every emergency. + +Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND. + +It was a confounded nuisance. I had arranged to take the BELLAMYS to +the Scandinavian Exhibition this afternoon, and to dine and go to the +theatre with the JACKSONS. Had to put off everything. MARY BELLAMY +will be dreadfully annoyed. Wrote specially to her to apologise and +explain. They're sure to get that beast POMFRET to take them instead. +He's always hanging round. Last week he wrote a lot of verse in MARY's +Confession Album, in this style (I copied some of it out, in order to +show it to VULLIAMY, who hates him):-- + + Though, when he's asked his favourite name, a man is apt to stare, he + _Must_ answer, if he knows what's what, "My favourite name is MARY." + +And this:-- + + The vice I detest and abhor above all + Is not dancing four _times_ with _you_ at a ball. + +And this, in answer to the question, "What or who would you rather be, +if you were not yourself?"-- + + I'd rather be the rosebud that nestles in your hair, + Or the aunt whose hand you took in yours and pressed upon the stair. + +They all admired this slip-slop immensely, and MARY asked me, when +I called the other day, if I didn't think it wonderfully clever. I +know, when I wrote my answers in her album, it took me days of thought +to get them done in prose, and even then they turned out the most +ordinary, commonplace things. However I thought they pleased MARY, +and now POMFRET steps in with his confounded rhymes. Mrs. BELLAMY's +father once published a volume of verse, and is still talked of in the +household as "your grandfather the poet." She told me that she thought +"a faculty for versification was the mark of a truly refined and +delicate mind." Bah! POMFRET's one of the most selfish and calculating +ruffians outside a convict prison, and always haggles over his +luncheon bills at the Club, till the head-waiter and all the rest +nearly go off their heads. + +However, I had to come to Billsbury, nilly-willy. Met the Committee +after dinner. They were anxious that I should do some canvassing soon, +and wanted me, when next I spoke, to explain myself more fully (1) on +the Temperance Question and the question of Compensation to Publicans; +(2) on the Women's Suffrage Question; (3) on the Labour Question; +(4) on Foreign Policy; and (5) with reference to the Billsbury Main +Drainage Scheme. I said I would, but I should probably require more +than one speech to do it in. Afterwards a very solemn member of the +Committee, whose name I forget, got up and made a long speech, in +which he observed that my habit of appearing in dress clothes at +the meetings had annoyed a good many of my supporters, and that +he ventured to suggest to me, for my own good, that I should wear +ordinary dress. It seems a good many of the lower lot thought it +looked uppish. I'm glad enough not to have to do it any more. There +were other points, but I'm too tired to remember them. By the way, I +have subscribed to about a dozen more Clubs and Institutions, and have +promised to get Mother to open a bazaar here at the end of the month. +Back to London to-morrow. What a life! + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST "LABOR PROGRAM." + +(_BY A NEW-UNIONIST._) + + I am all for myself, and 'tis perfectly true + That the "labor" I love is regardless of "u." + But, _per contra_, informing my "program" you see + Though I wink (with two I's), I eliminate "me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLITICAL BOATING-PARTY DURING THE RECESS. + +(_By Our Own Instantaneous Photographer_.)] + + * * * * * + +IN A LOCK.--A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE. + + "_Lock! Lock!_"--Shock! Rock! That's a pretty frock bulging over the + gunwale! + She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which is fuming out + of the Steam-Launch funnel. + Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry. though we're awfully crowded this + first Spring holiday, + Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious Senators out + for a jolly day + Might do worse. Who carries the purse? That ten-foot rod with the + toll-net ending it + Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by Jove, there are many + worse ways of spending it,-- + Money, I mean. Now were G-SCH-N seen collecting cash for his dry + Exchequer + With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping up his + financial pecker + With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in Cambridge blue are + exceeding bonny; + B-LF-R now at that same boat's bow would be quite in his element--eh, + my sonny? + And OLD MORALITY cooling his legs in the stern-sheets yonder would + find the steering + Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with T-M H-LY + jeering. + S-L-SB-RY, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his back--that + broad back of his!--in it. + Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all get out in + another minute. + Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the front when the + lock-gates sever. + What does it matter, friends, after all? The slow, the skilful, the + dull, the clever, + The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'ARRY, the puffing launch, + and the trim outrigger, + The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter who toils + like a nigger, + All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates shutting + slowly behind them, + And where are those who so shoved to the front? At the tail of the + race you may presently find them. + The G.O.M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty skiff might be + handling. Bless us! + Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to encoil like a shirt of + Nessus? + Well, Union_ist_ or Separat_ist_, or chap with a twist like + C-NN-NGH-M GR-H-M, + Or howling PAT, or Aristo_crat_ with manners like BRUMMEL and voice + like BRAHAM, + Peppery G-SCH-N, or pompous H-RC-RT, or genial SM-TH, the new-made + Warden, + All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like silver, the + banks a garden, + _Much_ worse might do than tog up in blue and join a crew on the + rolling river, + "Beyond the tide," dropping all their "side," party or personal, + leaving "liver," + And Influenza, and other "Obstructions," all party-jobbers, all + jibbers and jolters, + In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or it might be + BOULTER's! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY. + +_Young Lady_. "AND NOW, JANE, WHAT'S THE _NEXT_ THING TO DO, AFTER +PUTTING THE MEAT AND POTATOES IN THE STEWPAN?" + +_Village Girl_. "PLEASE, MISS, WASH THE BABY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15_.--This entry in Diary is dated +from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated in the County I have the +honour to represent. Haven't been to Westminster this week. Hear, +through usual channels of information, that House adjourns to-day +for Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment that remains; +a few doors and chimneys, with here and there a ruined wing. Fact +is, majority absent with influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us +have formed House of our own; meet regularly at usual hour; get +through business in a way that would astonish the residuum left at +Westminster; and jog off comfortably for dinner. All Parties and all +sections of Party represented. SPEAKER and Chairman of Committees +still stick to Westminster. But we have GORST, one of the +Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch. JACKSON +looks after arrangement of business. AKERS-DOUGLAS whips up the +Conservatives, assisted by SYDNEY HERBERT and ARTHUR HILL. THOMAS +ESMONDE brings up to the scratch TANNER, SWIFT MACNEILL, and PIERCE +MAHONY. On Treasury Bench MICHAEL BEACH sits in place of OLD MORALITY, +being supported by GEORGIE HAMILTON, STUART WORTLEY, and JAMES +FERGUSSON, whilst KNUTSFORD and DERBY look down from Peers' Gallery. +On Front Opposition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds JOHN MORLEY, +OSBORNE AP MORGAN, KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH, and MUNDELLA. WOLMER not yet +arrived, but daily expected. Meanwhile JOHN LUBBOCK, MUNTZ, T.W. +RUSSELL, and the Wiwacious WIGGIN here, ready to obey the Whip, when +issued. + +CHARLES FORSTER, looks after petitions for us; FRANK LOCKWOOD draws us +out (or in, as the case may be); ALGERNON BORTHWICK throws an air of +fashionable society around us; the Reverberating COLOMB lifts his tall +head in our midst; ISAAC HOLDEN never tires of telling the fascinating +story of how he discovered the lucifer-match; HENNIKER HEATON +passes the time writing letters to RAIKES, and complains that the +Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously fumigated +before opening them; SEYMOUR KEAY says he must get back to Westminster +(nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through +Committee; and here is the Grand Young GARDNER _and_ his wife--Lady +WINIFRED, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery. + +Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by RUSTEM ROOSE, +whose cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep," +he says. "Lie on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they +storm and fret at Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and +lie reclining. Pleasant to hear RUSTEM ROOSE's voice as he goes his +morning rounds, stethoscope in hand. "A long breath, dear friend: say +'74; Pommery, certainly if you like; a pint at luncheon and a roast +chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath; say '80; de +Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried +sole and a porterhouse steak; or, if you are tired of champagne, take +a pint of claret with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear +friend; say '50; three glasses if '50 port won't do you any harm." + +Worst of it is we're all getting better, and shall be back to the +grind at Westminster after Whitsuntide. _Business done_.--All taking +long breaths. + + * * * * * + +THE DIS-ORDER OF THE DAY.--In the House of Commons on the Motion of +the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P., +be expelled. Mr. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, Leader of the Opposition, _pro +tem._, moved to amend the Resolution by adding "at once." This was +agreed to _nem. con._ The Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to +remove Influenza. He declined on the ground that if he did he might +catch it. After some conversation the debate was adjourned. Influenza +left sitting on Members generally.--_Extract from the Fifteenth of +May's Parliamentary Report_. + + * * * * * + +A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS! + +(_BY A PERPLEXED READER OF THE PENNY PAPERS._) + +[Illustration] + + When you're lying awake, with a horrid headache (to adopt a suggestion + of GILBERT's), + When too freely you've dined, or too heavily wined, or munched too many + walnuts or filberts; + When your brain is a maze, and creation a haze, then each queer social + craze--there are many!-- + Gets your wits in a spool, and there isn't a fool for your thoughts + would advance you a penny. + + You can't sleep a wink, so the question of Drink, though you timidly + shrink from it, harries you. + Your wit's in a whirl, as you think, if some girl with a _penchant_ for + you, ups and marries you. + And ties you for life to the thing called a Wife,--that figment, that + fraud, that illusion, + Where, _what_ will you be? And you can't find a key to the epoch's + chaotic confusion. + It seems Local Option is sure of adoption, and what a tyrannic majority + May "opt" for one day, you're unable to say, and in vain you appeal to + Authority. + The Law of the Land is a labyrinth grand, which you can't understand, + nor can anyone, + And _that_ is a thought, with delirium fraught, an appalling, if 'tis + not a penny one. + + Now Law, the Old Antic, seems utterly frantic, absurdly romantic and + maundering; + And Cool Common Sense has gone dotty and dense, in dim deserts of + Sentiment wandering. + Now Reason and Right, hydrocephalous quite, are both Della-Cruscan and + drivelling, + Life (barring the fun) like "The Mulberry One," seems a mixture of + diddling and snivelling. + There's LAWSON who jaws on the Abstinence Cause on, and would lay his + claws on the Nation, + And put sudden stopper on all that's improper (as _he_ thinks) without + compensation; + And then there's Sir EDWARD, who, when he goes bedward, must have _his_ + reflections nightmarish! + It seems, from such rigs, that our biggest Big Wigs are scarcest to + govern a parish. + MCDOUGALL again, is agog to restrain all that gives _his_ soul pain--it's + a squeamish one!-- + He thinks he's a stayer as Jabberwock-slayer, mere Angry Boy he, _not_ a + Beamish One! + These Oracles windy do raise such a shindy, and kick such a doose of a + dust up, + One would think without _them_ we were wrong stern and stem, and the whole + of creation would bust up. + But verily why men should _new_ worship Hymen,--who, just as unshackled as + Cupid,-- + (See decision _Re_ JACKSON), take burdens their backs on, I can_not_ + conceive. It seems stupid + Beyond all expression to have a "possession" whose "ownness" there's + desperate doubt of, + And which (if she's _nous_) you can't keep _in_ your house, nor yet (if + she's "savvy") keep _out_ of! + What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter + and fumble. + In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a + jumble. + Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle + (as 'ARRY sees) + Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles + and Pharisees! + Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it + thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad + whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright, + from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter" + and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter + upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone? + I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born + of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks, + and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and + curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't + explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions + and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose + lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught, + who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have + sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One! + + * * * * * + +_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA. + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE +LAW COURTS._) + +[Illustration: Catching.] + +Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned +profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found +their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and +beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in +term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed +with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver. +But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable +and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too +ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally +a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the chambers I +occupy, and such a gleam was my retention for the Defence in the +cause of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_. It was a Patent Case, and one of +the deepest possible interest. It is my good fortune to know the +Defendant, personally, and it was through his kind offices that the +instructions to appear for him were left at my chambers. My friend +and client (who is unjustly said to be eccentric in his habits) has +recently patented and produced a most important invention, which +greatly facilitates the retention of dinner-napkins, after those +useful, nay, necessary articles have been used for the purpose for +which they are manufactured. Like all really valuable inventions, the +patent is simplicity itself, the napkin-ring consisting of the section +of the thicker end of an elephant's tusk cut to an appropriate size +and hollowed out. It is necessary to fold the dinner-napkin in such a +fashion that, when inserted through the ring, its shape is retained +by the adherent properties inseparable from the ivory. The patent can +also be produced in other materials, such as gold, silver and jewels +for the wealthy, and in bone, tin and even glass for purchasers of +smaller means. I must say that when the ring was shown to me I was +greatly struck with the cleverness and simplicity of the idea, and +could not understand how Mr. QUICKSILVER could have allowed himself to +be so badly advised as to bring an action for infringement, merely on +the strength of _his_ patent being also a dinner-napkin-holder with +the ring element so far introduced that it consisted of a circle +closed and opened by a hinge. However, it was no part of my duty +to advise the other side, so I set to work to get up my case (as I +invariably do) _con amore_. I hunted up all the causes in the Digest, +that seemed to be on all-fours with the matter in dispute, and spent +days in the Public Library of the Patent Office searching for patents +having to do with table-napkins. As the specifications were not +consecutively published, I had to wade through a large number of these +interesting documents that treated of other subjects. For instance, +the first specification I would take out of the box in which it was +kept, would perhaps have to do with house-raising without disturbance +to the foundations, the second would prove to be an article half +umbrella, half revolver, while in the third I would perhaps find an +extremely quaint notion for a portable pocket corkscrew. I myself +picked up many ideas for future use, and hope some day, if I do +nothing else, at least to perfect a clever little contrivance of +my own for arousing the inmates of a house invaded by burglars +by casement concussions. I propose calling this valuable little +instrument (which is founded to some extent on the simple construction +by which the figures in a child's box of wooden soldiers are enabled +to advance and retire in a scissors-like fashion), when produced, the +Policeman's Upper Floor Window Tapper. + +The day for the hearing at length arrived, and, armed with a mass of +carefully selected information, I was in my seat ready to defend the +originality of the Nore Napkin Ring, so to speak, to the death. In my +notes before me I had the skeleton of a really fine oration, which I +felt (if I mastered my normal nervousness) would bristle with epigram, +and thrill with heartfelt, brain-inspired eloquence. So deeply +interested was I in the matter, that I scarcely listened to my +friend's opening, and only became aware of what was happening in +Court by the rising of the Judge. Suddenly his Lordship bowed, +and disappeared. I looked at the clock--it was only noon--and, +consequently, an hour and thirty minutes in advance of the time +usually selected for the mid-day adjournment. And then, to my dismay, +I found that his Lordship was suffering from the influenza! Well, +there was nothing to do but to collect my papers, and, assisted +by PORTINGTON, return to my chambers. The next day my head ached +violently, and I could not move. Then I have a recollection +of dictating to my wife long telegrams to PORTINGTON, which I +subsequently discovered were neither despatched nor delivered. + + * * * * * + +When I awoke, I found that the matter of _Quicksilver_ v. _Nore_ had +been arranged and settled--out of Court! + +_Pump-handle Court._ (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 23, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13352.txt or 13352.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/3/5/13352/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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