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authorRoger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>2025-10-15 04:41:56 -0700
committerRoger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>2025-10-15 04:41:56 -0700
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+ "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
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+ <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+ content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" />
+
+ <title>Punch, May 16, 1891.</title>
+ <style type="text/css">
+ /*<![CDATA[*/
+
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+ html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+ .note
+ {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
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+ {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
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+
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+</head>
+
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13348 ***</div>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+ <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+ <h2>May 16, 1891.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page229"
+ id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span>
+
+ <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+ <h3>No. XVII.&mdash;GASPS.</h3>
+
+ <h4>(<i>By</i> OLPH SCHREION, <i>Author of "Screams," "The
+ Allegory of an Asian Ranche.</i>")</h4>
+
+ <blockquote class="note">
+ <p>["You will perceive," writes the Author of the following
+ story, "that this is allegorical, but it is not by any
+ means necessary that you should understand it. The chief
+ charm of allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from
+ the trammels of convention. You write something large and
+ vague, with any amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow
+ quite easily; you cover scores of pages. Then you read it
+ over again next morning. If you understand it so little as
+ to think some other fellow must have written it, you may be
+ quite certain it is an allegory. When you print it, your
+ public reads into it all kinds of mysterious and morbid
+ religious emotions, and confused misinterpretations of
+ life-problems, and everybody tacks on his own special
+ explanation. That being so, it is quite unnecessary for you
+ to explain things&mdash;which saves a great deal of
+ trouble. The plan is an excellent one. Try it.&mdash;Yours,
+ allegorically, O.S."]</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+ <p>TANT' SANNIE was stewing <i>kraut</i> in the old Dutch
+ saucepan. The scorching rays of the African sun were beating
+ down upon BONAPARTE BLENKINS who was doing his best to be
+ sun-like by beating WALDO. His nose was red and disagreeable.
+ He was something like HUCKLEBERRY FINN's Dauphin, an amusing,
+ callous, cruel rogue, but less resourceful. TANT' SANNIE
+ laughed; it was so pleasant to see a German boy beaten black
+ and blue. But the Hottentot servants merely gaped. It was their
+ custom.</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:55%;">
+ <a href="images/229.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/229.png"
+ alt="Tant' Sannie." /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p>But in the middle distance Life was playing marbles with the
+ Unknown. And the Unknown said unto Life, "Give me an
+ alley-tor." But Life replied, "Nay, for the commoneys are lying
+ well, and the thumb of him that aimeth is seasoned unto the
+ stroke." And the Unknown beat his sable wings together, and one
+ black feather flitted far into the breast of the day and fell
+ to earth. And there came a fair-haired Child plucking flowers
+ in the desert with brows bent in thought.</p>
+
+ <p>And Life said unto the Child, "Play with me."</p>
+
+ <p>And the Unknown said, "Play with me."</p>
+
+ <p>But the Child raised its soft hand slowly and the tender
+ fingers grew apart, and its thumb was poised in thought upon
+ its nose, and it spake not at all. And the feather flitted far,
+ far over the waste, and men came forth and gazed upon it, but
+ it heeded them not.</p>
+
+ <p>Then said Life, "I am strong. Kings have need of me and
+ earth is my dominion." But the Unknown gathered up the
+ scattered marbles, concealing them gently, and answered only
+ this&mdash;"I am a greater than Life."</p>
+
+ <p>And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and
+ TANT' SANNIE still stewed <i>kraut</i> in the old Dutch
+ saucepan. And BONAPARTE BLENKINS was glad.</p>
+
+ <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+ <p>Cruelty, cruelty, cruelty&mdash;all is cruelty! Boys are
+ beaten; oxen are stabbed till the blood bursts forth; happy,
+ industrious, dung-collecting beetles are bitten in two by
+ careless, happy, beetle-collecting dogs&mdash;everything is
+ wicked and cruel. The Kaffir has beautiful legs, but he will
+ kick his wife, and TANT' SANNIE, alas! will not be there to
+ drop a pickle-tub on his head. And over everything hangs that
+ inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the human intellect
+ over the incomprehensible and shadowy. <i>Omne ignotum pro
+ mirifico</i>, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase.</p>
+
+ <p>And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and TANT' SANNIE; and
+ we spoke to everybody quite affably; and they all had time to
+ listen to what we said, and to make suitable replies.</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "Are we all here?"</p>
+
+ <p>And she said, "Not all."</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "The absent are always in the wrong."</p>
+
+ <p>And she said, "I have heard that in French."</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "Is not that impertinent?"</p>
+
+ <p>And she said, "No."</p>
+
+ <p>And a great Light fell across her face, as though a palm had
+ smitten it, and the name of the palm was Hand, and its fruits
+ were fingers five.</p>
+
+ <p>And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the
+ Ever-lasting, and I planted a book upon the clouds, where eight
+ children lay prone with bees flying about their childish
+ bonnets.</p>
+
+ <p>And there came a knock at my door.</p>
+
+ <p>"Eight o'clock!" said One. "Arise!"</p>
+
+ <p>"Nay," I answered; "it cannot be."</p>
+
+ <p>"But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be
+ spread for them that break their fast."</p>
+
+ <p>"So be it. I rise." And behold it was a dream!</p>
+
+ <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+ <p>Far away the mother of the little nigger stood churning.
+ Where is the mother of the little black nigger? She is churning
+ slowly in the garden. But cannot the aunt of the good gardener
+ churn herself? No; for she is in the orchard, plucking the
+ apples, peaches, apricots, pears (<i>Birnen</i>), to give to
+ the butler's grandmother.</p>
+
+ <p>And there came Life and The Ideal walking hand in hand. And
+ behind them came Wealth and Vastness singing together. And
+ Infinity was there, and Health, and Wisdom, and Love. And
+ Reflection was mounted on a steed with Joy. And many other
+ shapes followed, delicately arrayed in fine linen. And
+ helmet-wearing Men in Blue marshalled the procession. And they
+ spake roughly, saying, "Pass away there, pass away there!"</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "Is this the Lord Mayor's Show?"</p>
+
+ <p>And One said, "No."</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "Is it the Salvation Army?"</p>
+
+ <p>And again One said, "No."</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "Is it SEQUAH?"</p>
+
+ <p>And One said again. "No."</p>
+
+ <p>And I said, "I have guessed enough."</p>
+
+ <p>And One said, "Yes."</p>
+
+ <p>But The Real was not there, and they passed away.</p>
+
+ <p>And One said, "I am Wealth," which was absurd, but No-one
+ laughed. And they all danced a fandango on the points of their
+ toes. And a shaft of light lay over them. And they wandered on.
+ At last they came to a bad, wicked naughty, brimstone place.
+ And I said to Some-one, "I like this. It seems a good place."
+ And still No-one laughed. And Wealth touched me, and I was
+ glad. And I said, "Give me millions, or buy a box of matches,"
+ and Law seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to the
+ Beak, "Your Worship." And the Beak said unto me, "Begging
+ again. Forty shillings." And again I woke. And it was all a
+ striving and a striving and an ending in Nothing.</p>
+
+ <center>
+ THE END.
+ </center>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>TO MLLE. JANE MAY.</h3>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i4">"Au clair de la lune,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Mon ami PIERROT,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Prête-moi ta plume</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Pour écrire un mot."</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p><i>Prête-moi ta plume!</i> Could wit borrow a
+ feather</p>
+
+ <p>From Cupid's own pinion, 'tis doubtfullish
+ whether</p>
+
+ <p>A "<i>mot</i>" might be made which should happily
+ hit</p>
+
+ <p>The "gold" of desert; and Love, aided by Wit,</p>
+
+ <p>Though equal to eloquent passion's fine glow,</p>
+
+ <p>Might both be struck mute by the Muse of
+ Dumb-Show.</p>
+
+ <p>That "actions speak louder than words" we all
+ knew;</p>
+
+ <p>But now we may add, "and more gracefully, too."</p>
+
+ <p><i>Performances</i> fine <i>Punch</i> has praised in
+ his day,</p>
+
+ <p>But how few take the <i>pas</i> of the
+ <i>Promise</i>&mdash;of MAY!</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>"NATIVE RACES AND THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC."&mdash;An important
+ subject strangely omitted at the recent meeting of this Society
+ was "The Consumption of Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days."
+ The Duke of WESTMINSTER will take the earliest opportunity of
+ rectifying this error.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page230"
+ id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/230.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/230.png"
+ alt="The Wine Merchant." /></a>
+
+ <h3>A BLEND.</h3><i>The Wine Merchant</i> (G-SCH-N). "I'M
+ AFRAID SOME OF OUR OLD CUSTOMERS WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST;
+ BUT, WITH A LITTLE PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN GET 'EM TO
+ TAKE TO IT KINDLY."
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page231"
+ id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span>
+
+ <h2>JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND.</h2>
+
+ <h4>AIR.&mdash;"<i>Simon the Cellarer</i>."</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>'Cute JOKIM the Cellarer keeps a large store</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of choice Party Spirits, d'ye see;</p>
+
+ <p>Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">An eclectic old soul is he.</p>
+
+ <p>But mainly in "Blends" he is good, dark or pale,</p>
+
+ <p>For he knows without them his best bottlings may
+ fail;</p>
+
+ <p>But he never faileth, he archly doth say,</p>
+
+ <p>For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the
+ day.</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">And ho! ho! ho! his books will show</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem
+ JOE!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>JOE sits all the time in his own still-room,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And a taster clever is he.</p>
+
+ <p>'Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fume.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And swear he is half a Torie.</p>
+
+ <p>But there are sly meetings upon the backstair.</p>
+
+ <p>And watchers say JOE is oft gossiping there.</p>
+
+ <p>Now JOE distrusts someone who's Grand, and who's
+ Old,</p>
+
+ <p>And says that he <i>must</i> be kept "out in the
+ cold."</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">And ho! ho! ho! old JOKIM doth know</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">That many a flask of his best comes from
+ JOE.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>'Cute JOKIM keeps blending JOE's taps and his
+ own;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Though knowing harsh rumours are
+ rife;</p>
+
+ <p>And Brummagem JOE is oft heard to declare,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Their partnership <i>may</i> last for
+ life.</p>
+
+ <p>And JOKIM says, "some call Brum JOE a bad chap,</p>
+
+ <p>But they'll soon learn to relish the taste of his
+ tap,</p>
+
+ <p>And while I may Brummagem JOE call my friend,</p>
+
+ <p>I <i>think</i> I shall customers find for our
+ 'Blend.'"</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">While ho! ho! ho! he'll chuckle and
+ crow;</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">"What, turn up Brum JOE, my boys? No! no!
+ no!"</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2>
+
+ <p><i>Monday, May 4</i>.&mdash;ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN's <i>Carmen</i>
+ is about the best when all the other dear charmers are away,
+ and in the character she will probably remain in possession of
+ the field, or, rather, "the Garden," till the end of the
+ season. The remainder as before, with DEVOYOD as
+ <i>Escamillo</i>. But what has become of the "go" in the
+ <i>Toréador's</i> great song? Where are the double
+ <i>encores</i>? Where, indeed, the hearty applause? Surely it
+ has gone the way of the March in <i>Faust</i>, once so
+ enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo; and
+ now&mdash;"March off!" It is true that, once let a "tuney tune"
+ become vulgarised by street-musicians, and organic disease
+ would be sufficient to kill it were it not tortured and ground
+ to death by remorseless hands. But the <i>Toréador's</i> song
+ and the March have not been the victims of an organised
+ opposition. Perhaps, though, they may have been, only 'tis so
+ long ago as not to be within the ken of the present deponent.
+ Anyhow, the <i>Toréador's</i> song goes for nothing nowadays,
+ and yet 'tis as good as ever.</p>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:20%;">
+ <a href="images/231-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/231-1.png"
+ alt="Miss Zélie de Lussan as Zerlina." /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;We welcomed <i>The Don</i>. Not the
+ Academic Don once so popularly represented by Mr. J.L. TOOLE,
+ but MOZART's Italianised Spanish Don. <i>À propos</i> of Mr.
+ TOOLE, it has always been the wonder of his friends, to whom
+ the quality of his vocal powers is so well known, that he has
+ never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for the
+ lyric Drama. It is said, and "greatly to his credit," that, had
+ it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend SIMS REEVES
+ of the laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age,
+ he would long ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to
+ that sweet singer, and have ridden off victoriously with "<i>My
+ Pretty Jane</i>" seated up behind him, pillion-wise, on the
+ noble steed known as "<i>The Bay of Biscay O!</i>"</p>
+
+ <p>But the above is an <i>entr'acte</i>, shorter than those at
+ Covent Garden, by the way. M. MAUREL first-rate as the
+ <i>Don</i>, both in acting and singing, even better in former
+ than latter; but the dear old serenade, which never can be
+ vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was encored, and the
+ encore was gracefully accepted, Signor BEVIGNANI being in the
+ chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce, "Gentlemen!
+ Monsieur MAUREL will oblige again!" Applause.</p>
+
+ <p>If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as
+ Miss ZÉLIE-ZERLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest
+ view of it, that village must be uncommonly prosperous.
+ Probably tourists' visits are not few and far between: but
+ anyhow, even the most unsuspicious bumpkin of a lover, would be
+ inclined to ask a few questions about this finery. However, her
+ performance was as fine as the dress, and she looked quite the
+ ZÉLIE-ZERLINA, so fascinating to the Lord and the Lout.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;<i>Roméo et Juliette</i>, that is, M.
+ JEAN DE RESZKÉ and Mlle. EAMES. A nearly perfect performance.
+ JEAN a trifle too stout for an ideal <i>Romeo</i>, but of
+ course he couldn't go into training for the part at short
+ notice. The spirit with which he played the part far outweighed
+ the error of the flesh. Miss EAMES a charming <i>Juliet</i> in
+ every way, though her singing of the waltz was not of dazzling
+ firework brilliancy. Brother NED was the <i>Frère Laurent</i>.
+ Excellent. The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend
+ gentleman who would meddle with legal marriages and perform
+ private ceremonies without leave or licence from his Ordinary,
+ and might be known as Brother Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary
+ Friar. The House crammed full with an audience as brilliant as
+ the performance.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:50%;">
+ <a href="images/231-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/231-2.png"
+ alt="THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS." /></a>
+
+ <h3>THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.</h3>
+
+ <p><i>Son of the House</i>. "YOU'RE NOT DANCING, MR.
+ LAMBERT! DON'T YOU WISH TO?"</p>
+
+ <p><i>Mr. Lambert</i> (<i>who is not so slim as he used to
+ be</i>). "CERTAINLY&mdash;IF YOU CAN FIND ME A <i>CONCAVE
+ PARTNER</i>!"</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>THE LAST SONG.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote class="note">
+ <p>[Mr. SIMS REEVES was announced to sing "<i>Total
+ Eclipse</i>" at his Farewell Concert on Monday.]</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Farewell! A most unwelcome word to all</p>
+
+ <p>Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall:</p>
+
+ <p>Total eclipse&mdash;of pleasure on their part</p>
+
+ <p>Who love pure melody and polished Art.</p>
+
+ <p>Memory will echo long the silvery chime</p>
+
+ <p>Of such a voice as even ruthless Time</p>
+
+ <p>Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare</p>
+
+ <p>From the corroding touch. Some scarce will care</p>
+
+ <p>To hear "<i>Tom Bowling</i>" sung by other lips,</p>
+
+ <p>And when in tenor strains "<i>Total Eclipse</i>"</p>
+
+ <p>Sounds next upon our ears, SIMS REEVES will seem</p>
+
+ <p>To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page232"
+ id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span>
+
+ <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+ <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:17%;">
+ <a href="images/232-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/232-1.png"
+ alt="Mr. McEwan." /></a>Mr. McEwan.
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 4</i>.&mdash;Windbag SEXTON
+ had fine opportunity to-night; made the most of it. SEYMOUR
+ KEAY absent through greater part of sitting. Various rumours
+ current in explanation of the happy accident. Influenza hinted
+ at; but Grand Young GARDNER, who is familiar with both, says
+ <i>Grippe</i> much too knowing to link itself with Member for
+ Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock, rumour set at rest by
+ appearance of KEAY. Simple explanation of temporary absence is,
+ that he has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments.</p>
+
+ <p>In his absence. Windbag had it all to himself. How many
+ speeches he has made through the dreary sitting am afraid to
+ reckon up. Members going off to write letters, smoke a cigar,
+ read evening papers, or dine, leave him on his legs, with one
+ hand in pocket, and smile of serene satisfaction on face,
+ prosing on. Coming back, they find him still in same position,
+ apparently saying same thing. Has lately developed new
+ oratorical charm. Constantly repeats his sentences, word for
+ word. Everybody cleared out, even Mr. G., and JOHN MORLEY. Only
+ Prince ARTHUR left languorous on Treasury Bench.</p>
+
+ <p>"Drooping like a lily out of water," MCEWAN says. Not that
+ he's given to tropes of the kind; but, being lately at a
+ wedding feast smothered in flowers, some of them have got into
+ his conversation.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;In Committee on Irish Land Bill,
+ but no forrader.</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:40%;">
+ <a href="images/232-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/232-2.png"
+ alt="W.H. Smith." /></a>W.H. Smith in his new
+ character as Warden of the Cinque Ports and Constable
+ of Dover Castle.
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;"Do you think I ought to wear spurs,
+ TOBY?"</p>
+
+ <p>It was Old MORALITY who spoke. We were in his room at House;
+ just torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill,
+ where, at the moment, oddly enough SEXTON chanced to be
+ speaking. Old MORALITY has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque
+ Ports, and is trying on his uniform. Rather piratical
+ arrangement; blue cloth coat with large brass buttons, red sash
+ round his waist, with holster thrust in it, containing the
+ horse-pistol with which PITT armed himself when he sat at the
+ window of Walmer Castle, looking across the Channel,
+ momentarily expecting to discover BONEY crossing in a
+ flat-bottomed boat. The trousers are of scarlet, with broad
+ braid of gold lace on outer seams. Finally there is a truculent
+ cocked hat, which OLD MORALITY persists in putting on with the
+ peak astarn. The dress is picturesque, and OLD MORALITY's
+ figure lends itself to it with peculiar grace and fitness.</p>
+
+ <p>"I fancy WELLINGTON wore spurs," the Lord Warden
+ persisted.</p>
+
+ <p>Yes, I point out; but PITT didn't, nor did PALMERSTON.
+ Anyhow just as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow
+ up to them, as it were.</p>
+
+ <p>Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly
+ in need of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old
+ MORALITY were discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his
+ present costume.</p>
+
+ <p>"No," he said, "they would think I was going to move or
+ second the Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a
+ little before appearing in them in public places."</p>
+
+ <p>So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching
+ up and down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer.
+ Oddly enough, when I arrive Windbag SEXTON making a speech, the
+ few Members present talking about Old MORALITY's promotion. A
+ dangerous epoch in a man's life. People apt just then to
+ discover all kinds of shortcomings, and reasons why the
+ promotion should have fallen elsewhere. But no one grudges OLD
+ MORALITY this high and ancient honour; a fresh chapter in the
+ pleasant story of "Mr. SMITH," a new "Part of His Life." For
+ five years he has sat on the Treasury Bench in succession to
+ DISRAELI and GLADSTONE; now he will answer for the safety of
+ the Cinque Ports in succession to PITT and WELLINGTON,
+ DALHOUSIE and PALMERSTON. <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;OLD
+ MORALITY made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;"TAY PAY also among the Gentlemen of
+ England!" exclaimed SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, for once almost
+ moved out of his customary self-possession. It certainly seems
+ so. Came about on Second Reading of London Tramways Bill;
+ promoters want to bring tramway over Westminster Bridge, and
+ along Embankment. DEMOS desires to go about his business on the
+ tramway, and does not see why he should be arbitrarily stopped
+ before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage folk say, No;
+ let DEMOS and his penny tram stop at other side of the water,
+ leaving the broad thoroughfare of the Embankment for what
+ RADCLIFFE COOKE called "the gilded chariot."</p>
+
+ <p>Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find
+ TAY PAY in this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't
+ opened his voice in debate; spoken in public only once. That
+ was to his constituents in Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced
+ with portentous blast in advance that then and there the
+ anxious world should learn what side he took in the leadership
+ controversy. Others had declared themselves, whether for Brer
+ FOX or Brer RABBIT. The momentous issue of TAY PAY's decision
+ required further deliberation. So all the world had to wait
+ till TAY PAY came home and saw his constituents. Result not
+ altogether satisfactory. As TIM HEALY put it, "TAY PAY showed
+ disposition to hunt with Brer FOX and run with Brer RABBIT." If
+ in the end Brer FOX won, nothing in TAY PAY's Scotland Road
+ speech need prevent him returning to his allegiance. If Brer
+ FOX remained under a cloud, he could jog along with Brer
+ RABBIT. Been careful not to spoil the little game by taking
+ part in debate in House.</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:20%;">
+ <a href="images/232-3.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/232-3.png"
+ alt="Demos." /></a>Demos.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>Now, on this London Tramways Bill, which touches neither
+ Brer FOX nor Brer RABBIT, TAY PAY interposes. Conservatives
+ snort impatiently when he rises; cry aloud for division; take
+ it for granted that TAY PAY will back up DEMOS's demand for
+ equal right of way. But TAY PAY has genuine little surprise in
+ store; is loftily contemptuous of tramways, doncha. If they
+ cross the bridge and approach the precincts of the West End,
+ what is to become of carriage-folk? "A noisy and inconvenient
+ system of locomotion," said TAY PAY, shuddering with disgust,
+ as though he heard a coarse voice crying "Fares, please!"</p>
+
+ <p>House roared with laughter; RADCLIFFE COOKE talked about
+ opposition "coming from Members who hoped to ride in gilded
+ coaches"; CREMER rudely reminded TAY PAY that ten or fifteen
+ years ago, he would have taken a very different view of the
+ convenience of tramway cars. This wasn't pleasant; but when the
+ Division bell rang, TAY PAY had the satisfaction of walking,
+ alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen of England,
+ triumphantly vindicating the rights of carriage-folk against
+ tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed a
+ scene so rich as this in material for reflection. <i>Business
+ done</i>.&mdash;TAY PAY declares against trams.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Attendance on House gradually
+ diminishing; what with influenza, and Irish Land Bill in
+ Committee, Members gradually thinning off. No M.P. complete
+ without his influenza. Barks shall not be out of anything if
+ its humble, but conscientious Member can manage it; so I've
+ "took" the influenza, or the influenza's "took" me. Don't
+ exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed together.
+ <i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Don't know anything about it.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233"
+ id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>
+
+ <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+ <h4>[CONTINUED.]</h4>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:35%;">
+ <a href="images/233-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/233-1.png"
+ alt="Looking for a Seat." /></a>Looking for a Seat.
+ </div>
+
+ <p><i>Wednesday, April 30th, "George Hotel,"
+ Billsbury</i>.&mdash;Spent yesterday and the day before in
+ chambers at the Temple. No work as usual. Think I shall give it
+ all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday afternoon a
+ Mr. RICHARDSON GROGRAM called on me by appointment. He had
+ written me a long letter stating that he had important
+ information to communicate to me with reference to my
+ candidature at Billsbury, and desired a short interview in
+ order to lay it before me, Said he was "a Billsbury man born
+ and bred, and naturally interested in everything that concerned
+ the welfare of the old place, though for family reasons he had
+ found it best to make the home of his riper manhood in the
+ Metropolis." I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him an
+ interview. He is a tall man, with a dark beard, straight dark
+ hair, a sallow face and shifty eyes, and was dressed rather
+ like a dissenting clergyman. He was immensely genial in his
+ manner, said he had read every word of my eloquent speeches,
+ and thoroughly agreed with all I had said, though he himself
+ would never have been able to say it half as well. He then
+ asked me if I had heard of his "History of the Borough of
+ Billsbury" in four volumes. I asked him who had published it
+ and when, but he said he had been made the victim of intrigues,
+ and had not yet secured a publisher, though there was any
+ amount of money to be made out of the book. Would I like to
+ read it in MS., and give him my candid opinion of it? Excused
+ myself on the ground of great pressure of work. He talked like
+ this for about twenty minutes, and at last came to what he
+ called the chief purport of his visit. He said he had in the
+ course of his investigations, been fortunate enough to acquire
+ important and exclusive knowledge with regard to the early life
+ of Sir THOMAS CHUBSON and his chief supporters in Billsbury.
+ "If it is published," he continued, "it will absolutely blast
+ the prospects of Radicalism in Billsbury. I am not a grasping
+ man, but I must consider my family. Still, Sir, such is my
+ respect and liking for you, that I am willing to place a sealed
+ packet containing all these stories in your hands on payment of
+ £150 down." I told him that wasn't my way either of fighting a
+ constituency or of doing business, whereupon he became more
+ voluble than ever, and I had no end of a job to get rid of the
+ oily beast. JERRAM tells me to-day that he was once a
+ solicitor's clerk in Billsbury, and had to leave on account of
+ some missing money. Since then he appears to have lived a shady
+ life, varied by attempts at blackmail. Faugh!</p>
+
+ <p>Came down to Billsbury to-day, to attend the inaugural
+ dinner of the season of the Billsbury Cricket Club. I am a
+ Vice-President, and so is CHUBSON. The dinner was held in the
+ large room of the "Blue Posts Hotel." General BANNATYNE, an old
+ Indian, who is the President of the Club, was in the chair,
+ having CHUBSON on his right, and me on his left. Old CHUBSON,
+ to whom I was introduced, seems not half a bad old fellow, but
+ he can't speak a bit. The dinner was awful, everything as tough
+ as leather, and the Cabinet Pudding more beastly than any
+ Cabinet Pudding I ever tasted&mdash;which is saying a good
+ deal. CHUBSON proposed, "Prosperity to the Billsbury C.C."
+ "Politics," he said, "are like Cricket. We spend our time in
+ bowling overs." At this point a young Conservative, who had
+ drunk too much, shouted, "Ah, and you mostly change sides,
+ too"&mdash;an allusion to the fact that CHUBSON is believed to
+ have started in politics as a Tory. Somebody removed the
+ interrupter, and CHUBSON finished his speech all right, but the
+ incident must have annoyed him. I proposed "The Town and Trade
+ of Billsbury," and started by saying what pleasure it gave
+ anybody occupied in politics to take a part in a non-political
+ celebration like this. "My friend, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON," I said,
+ "and I have not met before, and I congratulate myself,
+ therefore, on having been introduced to him to-day. We shall do
+ our level best to bowl one another out, but I know we shall
+ play the game according to the rules, and in that spirit of
+ fair-play for which Englishmen in general, and Billsbury
+ cricketers in particular, are celebrated."</p>
+
+ <p>This was rather mixed, but it went very well. I think I took
+ the shine out of CHUBSON. Later on there was a shocking row
+ between two of the town-councillors, who got to loggerheads
+ over the question of the Billsbury Waterworks. It was smoothed
+ over, however, after everybody had shouted "No politics!" for
+ about ten minutes.</p>
+
+ <p>TOLLAND says we must begin to canvas a little soon. Horrible
+ work, but absolutely necessary.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>BOWLS.</h2>
+
+ <h4>(BY A BUFFER.)</h4>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"Unfortunately (at bowls) one had to stoop to conquer:
+ it is that stooping which (except in politics) plays the
+ deuce with us after fifty."</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p class="author"><i>James Payn's Plea for Bowls</i>.</p>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Yes, PAYN, you are right&mdash;as you commonly
+ are&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>The vertebræ creak and the ribs seem to jar,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">When a man bends his back&mdash;after
+ fifty&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>If only to pull off his boots; he at length</p>
+
+ <p>Finds that curve in his spine is a strain on the
+ strength</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Of which middle-age must be thrifty.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>But Bowls! Yes, my boy, it's a jolly old game,</p>
+
+ <p>Though athletic fanatics might vote it too tame,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">But sense is not baffled by bogies.</p>
+
+ <p>The Emerald Green and the "bowls" and the
+ "jack,"</p>
+
+ <p>Are beautiful&mdash;but for that bend in the
+ back&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">To those the young furies call
+ "fogies."</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>You have not to "sprint" o'er some acres of
+ grass,</p>
+
+ <p>To "slog" or to scamper, to "scrummage" or
+ "pass,"</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">At the risk of your ribs, or
+ "rheumatics";</p>
+
+ <p>You have not to treat your opponents like foes,</p>
+
+ <p>Or "go for" your rival's shin-bone or his nose,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">As do the aforesaid fanatics.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>But how pleasant the "green" in the cool of the
+ day,</p>
+
+ <p>The tankard of stingo, the yard of white clay,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">And the play and the chaff of good
+ fellows!</p>
+
+ <p>Although not a betting man howls out the odds,</p>
+
+ <p>And no ring of mad backers&mdash;like gallery
+ "gods"&mdash;-</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">About us insensately bellows.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Yes, PAYN, the "crank in," and the "kiss of the
+ Jack,"</p>
+
+ <p><i>All</i>&mdash;save, as you say, that darned bend
+ in the back&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">About the old game is delightful.</p>
+
+ <p>We thank you for "trolling the bowl" once again,</p>
+
+ <p>Ah! it were a pleasure to play it with
+ PAYN&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">(By Jove, though&mdash;that loin-twinge
+ was frightful!)</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>A THEATRICAL PLUNGE; OR, TAKING A HEDDA.</h2>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:20%;">
+ <a href="images/233-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/233-2.png"
+ alt="A Powerful Cast." /></a>A Powerful Cast.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>A plunge indeed! but fortunately the swimmers are strong,
+ and able to save the suicidal Ibsenites. For my
+ part,&mdash;that is, as one of the audience drawn by
+ curiosity,&mdash;I should say that were it not for the
+ excellent acting of all concerned in the piece, and especially
+ of Miss ELIZABETH ROBINS as the Hanwellian heroine, IBSEN's
+ <i>Hedda Gabler</i> would scarcely have been allowed a second
+ night's existence at the Vaudeville. Miss ROBINS is so much in
+ earnest&mdash;as a true artist should be&mdash;that she excites
+ your curiosity to discover what on earth she is taking all this
+ trouble about; and thus she compels your attention. That the
+ result is eminently unsatisfactory is no fault of hers. The
+ piece itself is stuff and nonsense; poor stuff and "pernicious
+ nonsense." It is as if the author had studied the weakest of
+ the Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do
+ something like it in a tragic vein.</p>
+
+ <p>In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly
+ of one short scene in <i>Caste; there</i>&mdash;so delicately
+ and touchingly treated by its author; <i>here</i>&mdash;so
+ repulsively treated by IBSEN. Let it be reduced to serious
+ burlesque, and let us have it played by PENLEY as <i>George
+ Tesman</i>, ARTHUR ROBERTS (with a song) as <i>Judge Brack</i>,
+ WEEDON GROSSMITH as <i>Ejlbert Lövborg</i>, Miss LOTTIE VENNE
+ as <i>Mrs. Hedda Tesman</i>, Mrs. JOHN WOOD as <i>Aunt
+ Juliana</i>, and Miss JESSIE BOND (with song and dance) as
+ <i>Mrs. Elvsted</i>. It is announced in the bill as "IBSEN's
+ Last Play." There's a crumb of comfort in this.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3>
+
+ <p>OATMEAL PORRIDGE.&mdash;Would some Scotch housewife kindly
+ enlighten me as to the proper mode of preparing the above
+ delicacy? I fancy there must be some mistake about the method I
+ have hitherto adopted. Is it <i>really</i> necessary to "boil
+ for forty-eight hours, and then mix with equal quantities of
+ gin, Guinness's Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom Salts?" I have
+ followed this recipe (given me by a young friend, who says he
+ has often been in Scotland) faithfully, but the result is not
+ wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether genuine porridge should be
+ of the consistency of a brick-bat, or taste of
+ hair-oil.&mdash;UNDAUNTED.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page234"
+ id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/234.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/234.png"
+ alt="CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS." /></a>
+
+ <h3>CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.</h3>
+ <p><i>Fair Parishioner</i>. "AND
+ DO YOU LIKE THE PULPIT, MR. AURIOL?"</p>
+ <p><i>The New Curate</i>.
+ "I DO NOT. ER&mdash;IT HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FIGURE, AND I
+ LIKE EVERY SHAKE OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!"</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>"BLOOD" V. "BULLION."</h2>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">"Well then, it now appears you need my
+ help.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Go to then: you come to me, and you
+ say,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">'SHYLOCK, we would have moneys'&mdash;you
+ say so;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">You that did void your rheum upon my
+ beard,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And foot me, as you spurn a stranger
+ cur</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Over your threshold: moneys is your
+ suit.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">What should I say to you? Should I not
+ say</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">'Hath a dog money?'"&mdash;<i>Merchant of
+ Venice</i>, Act I., Scene 3.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>"With bated breath and whispering humbleness?"</p>
+
+ <p>Not so! There comes a season when the stress</p>
+
+ <p>Of insolent and exacting tyranny</p>
+
+ <p>Makes the most patient turn.</p>
+
+ <p class="i10">Autocracy,</p>
+
+ <p>Without the despot's vaunted virtue, pride,</p>
+
+ <p>Shows small indeed. Can Power lay aside</p>
+
+ <p>Its swaggering port, and low petition make</p>
+
+ <p>(Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never
+ slake)</p>
+
+ <p>For help from those it harries? PHARAOH's
+ scourge</p>
+
+ <p>Was the taskmaster's weapon, used to urge</p>
+
+ <p>The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil,</p>
+
+ <p>But they round whom the Russian's knout thongs
+ coil,</p>
+
+ <p>Are of the breed of those the Russian palm</p>
+
+ <p>Can make petition to. Could triumph balm</p>
+
+ <p>The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed;</p>
+
+ <p>But blood revolts.</p>
+
+ <p class="i10">Race of the changeless creed,</p>
+
+ <p>And ever-shifting sojourn, SHAKSPEARE's type</p>
+
+ <p>Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is
+ ripe</p>
+
+ <p>For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse</p>
+
+ <p>Of prejudice, the canker of the purse,</p>
+
+ <p>And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift,</p>
+
+ <p>Will clearlier shine, like sunburst through a
+ rift</p>
+
+ <p>In congregated cloud-wracks. <i>Shylock</i>
+ stands</p>
+
+ <p>Badged with black shame in all the baser lands.</p>
+
+ <p>Use him, and&mdash;spit on him! That's Gentile
+ wont;</p>
+
+ <p>Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the
+ font,&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>That's the true despot-plan through all the
+ days,</p>
+
+ <p>And cackling <i>Gratianos</i> chorus praise.</p>
+
+ <p>"The Jew shall have all justice." Shall he so?</p>
+
+ <p>The tyrant drains, his gold, then bids
+ him&mdash;"Go!"</p>
+
+ <p><i>Shylock</i>? The name bears insult in its
+ sound;</p>
+
+ <p>But <i>he</i> was nobler than the curs who hound</p>
+
+ <p>The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive</p>
+
+ <p>Deathward the stronger souls they dread alive.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Shylock</i>? So brand him, boors and babbling
+ wags,</p>
+
+ <p>Who scorn him, yet would share his money-bags;</p>
+
+ <p>Who hate him, yet can stoop to such appeal!</p>
+
+ <p>Beneath his meekness there's a soul of steel.</p>
+
+ <p>High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands</p>
+
+ <p>Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands,</p>
+
+ <p>Shaped but for clutching&mdash;so his slanderers
+ say&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>The huckster bait can coldly put away</p>
+
+ <p>"Blood against bullion." The Jew-baiting band</p>
+
+ <p>Howl frantic execration o'er the land;</p>
+
+ <p>Malign and menace, pillage, persecute;</p>
+
+ <p>Though the heart's hot, the mouth must fain be
+ mute.</p>
+
+ <p>The edict fulminates, the goad pursues;</p>
+
+ <p>Proscription, deprivation,&mdash;ay, they use</p>
+
+ <p>All the old tortures, nor are then content,</p>
+
+ <p>But crown the work with ruthless banishment.</p>
+
+ <p>And then&mdash;then the proud Muscovite seeks
+ grace,</p>
+
+ <p>And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race!</p>
+
+ <p>"He would have moneys" from the Hebrew hoard,</p>
+
+ <p>To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword;</p>
+
+ <p>Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs</p>
+
+ <p>Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs</p>
+
+ <p>Of salaried minions hunt.</p>
+
+ <p class="i10">Take back thine hand,</p>
+
+ <p>Imperious Autocrat, and understand</p>
+
+ <p>Gold buys not, rules not, serves not, salves not
+ all.</p>
+
+ <p>Blood speaks&mdash;in favour of the helpless
+ thrall</p>
+
+ <p>Of tyranny. Here's no tame <i>Shylock</i>: he</p>
+
+ <p>Shall not bend low, and in a bondsman's key,</p>
+
+ <p>Make o'er his money-bags with unctuous grace</p>
+
+ <p>To an enthroned enslaver of his race.</p>
+
+ <p>"Well then, it now appears you need my help".</p>
+
+ <p>(You&mdash;whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen
+ yelp!)</p>
+
+ <p>"What should I say to you? Should I not say,</p>
+
+ <p>"Hath a dog money?" Blood's response
+ is&mdash;"Nay!"</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>A somewhat curious association of names and ideas occurs in
+ last week's <i>Sporting and Dramatic</i>, where there is an
+ illustration of some ceremony taking place which is described
+ as "The RAINE's Foundation May Day Celebration." Odd, that this
+ particular RAINE should always fall on the First of May.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page235"
+ id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/235.png"
+ alt="'BLOOD' versus 'BULLION.'" /></a>
+
+ <h3>"BLOOD" <i>VERSUS</i> "BULLION."</h3>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>"WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP:</p>
+
+ <p>YOU THAT DID VOID YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD,</p>
+
+ <p>AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR</p>
+
+ <p>OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; <i>MONEYS IS YOUR
+ SUIT.</i></p>
+
+ <p><i>WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO
+ YOU?"</i>&mdash;<i>Merchant of Venice</i>, Act I.,
+ Sc. 3.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237"
+ id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+
+ <h2>ODE TO COMPENSATION.</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>After</i> KIRKE WHITE.)</h4>
+
+ <p>"That blessed word&mdash;'Compensation.'"</p>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Come Compensation, come!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Not in thy terrors clad,</p>
+
+ <p>But in thy fairest, gentlest guise,</p>
+
+ <p>Thy "blessed" name but terrifies</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The "Templar" and the "Rad."</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Thou must not come as "Right,"</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">That is&mdash;alas!&mdash;"too
+ steep."</p>
+
+ <p>The Law has put its foot hard down,</p>
+
+ <p>And "BUNG," so far, is quite done brown;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">It makes the "Witler" weep!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>No "Vested Interest,"</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Whereon to found a claim?</p>
+
+ <p>And after all that we have done</p>
+
+ <p>To keep the Tories in the run!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">It is a thundering shame!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>We deemed Sir EDWARD CLARKE</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Knew what he was about;</p>
+
+ <p>We thought good GOSCHEN, sharp and slick,</p>
+
+ <p>Had "gently, gently done the trick,"</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">We have been sold, no doubt.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>But FORREST FULTON comes,&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Sharp fellow that F.F.!</p>
+
+ <p>And in the Commons sneaks a vote</p>
+
+ <p>Which sticks hard in the "Temperance"
+ throat,&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Dull churls, to justice deaf!</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Come, Compensation, come!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Come in by the back-door,</p>
+
+ <p>Come unawares, come <i>anyhow</i>,</p>
+
+ <p>Only <i>do</i> come to smooth the brow</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of Wittlers weak and poor.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>GOSCHEN has played us false;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">It makes our bosom ache.</p>
+
+ <p>But to abate our indignation</p>
+
+ <p>If he'll secure us Compensation,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">'Twill compensation make.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:70%;">
+ <a href="images/237-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/237-1.png"
+ alt="THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE 'WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,'" />
+ </a>THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE
+ "WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,"
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/237-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/237-2.png"
+ alt="AND&mdash;SO HE DID!" /></a>AND&mdash;SO HE DID!
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT.</h2>
+
+ <p><i>First Citizen.</i> And what did you see at the German
+ Exhibition?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second Citizen</i>. A magnificent collection of German
+ pictures, many German manufactures, and several German
+ Bands.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> Are these the only attractions?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second C.</i> No, there is some cleverly painted canvas
+ representing German scenery in the grounds.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> Anything else?</p>
+
+ <p><i>/Second C.</i> I enjoyed the Switchback Railway.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> I see&mdash;anything else?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second C.</i> Well, the Scenes in the Circle added to my
+ enjoyment, but, as an enthusiastic admirer of all that is
+ German, I do not consider them entirely necessary.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> Anything further?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second C.</i> There are the lights and the company.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> But of course these are superfluous?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second C.</i> From a German point of view&mdash;entirely
+ so. I consider them merely as fringe.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> Exactly&mdash;and, were they not there, you
+ would extend as much patronage to the German
+ Exhibition&mdash;you would go there as frequently?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second C.</i> Yes&mdash;in spirit, if not in person.</p>
+
+ <p><i>First C.</i> And if for the German some other foreign
+ element were substituted?</p>
+
+ <p><i>Second C.</i> No doubt I should be present quite as much
+ in person, but <i>not</i> in German spirit!</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238"
+ id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+
+ <h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)</h2>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/238-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/238-1.png"
+ alt="No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A." />
+ </a>No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient
+ Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd
+ brought a Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A.
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:30%;">
+ <a href="images/238-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/238-2.png"
+ alt="No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. 'O dear, what is the matter with my poor feet!!' Edith Sprague." />
+ </a>No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. "O dear, what is the matter
+ with my poor feet!!" Edith Sprague.
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:25%;">
+ <a href="images/238-3.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/238-3.png"
+ alt="No. 518. A Practical Joke. 'I shall startle 'em if I go in suddenly dressed like this.' J.C. Horsley, R.A." />
+ </a>No. 518. A Practical Joke. "I shall startle 'em if I go
+ in suddenly dressed like this." J.C. Horsley, R.A.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>No. 129. "<i>Love in Winter</i>." By G.H. BOUGHTON, A. But a
+ poor sort of amusement for this nice young lady to be walking
+ out all alone with a big muff! eh? Mr. BOUGHTON, eh?</p>
+
+ <p>No. 292, <i>Bar-Maids Resting</i>. W.R. STEPHENS.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 346. "<i>Moor and Mountain</i>." By CHARLES STUART. The
+ name CHARLES STUART suggests "restoration," but this is a brand
+ new work. It is mostly mountain, and very little more.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 397. "Miss LYDIA LESLIE at her lessons" may be termed a
+ group of One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G.D. LESLIE,
+ R.A.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Good
+ subject for a Tavern sign-board, entitled, "Two Out." EDWARD
+ STOTT.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 452. "Mrs. X&mdash;&mdash;," <i>i.e.</i>, a lady with a
+ good deal of dash. HUGH DE T. GLAZEBROOK.</p>
+
+ <div class="figleft"
+ style="width:33%;">
+ <a href="images/238-4.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/238-4.png"
+ alt="No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B. Richmond, A." />
+ </a>No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B.
+ Richmond, A.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>No. 467. "<i>Angela Vanbrugh" playing the Fiddle; or, All
+ alone with her Beau</i>. EDWIN LONG, R.A.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry
+ Funny. E. BLAIR LEIGHTON.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 630. "<i>Iona</i>." By COLIN HUNTER, A. Buy it, and in
+ <i>Iona</i> you'll own a good picture.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 664. "<i>La Cigale</i>." A sporting subject suggestive
+ of "Got nothing on." It is not a portrait of <i>La Cigale</i>
+ at the Lyric. H. RAE.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. FRANK DICKSEE, A.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 743. "If I had a donkey what wouldn't go.". ALFRED W.
+ STRUTT.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 1006. A Little Duck. WILLIAM STRUTT. (Must be seen for
+ title to be appreciated.)</p>
+
+ <p>No. 1106. Hares Apparent. WILLIAM FOSTER.</p>
+
+ <p>No. 1108. <i>Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is
+ fainting on the floor.</i> Short title, "Going Nap." LASLETT J.
+ POTT.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page239"
+ id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+
+ <h2>THE ABC OF IBSENITY.</h2>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>A is the ARCHER who booms in the <i>World</i>,</p>
+
+ <p>B is the Banner of IBSEN unfurled.</p>
+
+ <p>C the Commotion it makes for the minute,</p>
+
+ <p>D is the <i>Doll's House</i>, and all there is in
+ it.</p>
+
+ <p>E is the Eagerness shown in the fray,</p>
+
+ <p>F the Fanatics, who will have their way.</p>
+
+ <p>G is a Ghost, and oh! there are lots of 'em,</p>
+
+ <p>H is Heredity, making pot-shots of 'em.</p>
+
+ <p>I is the Ibsenite so analytic,</p>
+
+ <p>J is the Jeer of the Philistine critic.</p>
+
+ <p>K is a <i>Kroll</i>, and a Pastor is he,</p>
+
+ <p>L is a <i>Lady</i>, who comes from the Sea.</p>
+
+ <p>M is the Master, speak soft as you name him,</p>
+
+ <p>N stands for Norway, so eager to claim him.</p>
+
+ <p>O his Opponents, who speak out their mind,</p>
+
+ <p>P stands for <i>Punch</i>, where his dramas you'll
+ find.</p>
+
+ <p>Q is the Question, should <i>Rosmer</i> have wed
+ her?</p>
+
+ <p>R is <i>Rebecca</i>, who took such a header.</p>
+
+ <p>S is the <i>Speaker</i>, which gets quite
+ excited,</p>
+
+ <p>T is the Temper, it shows uninvited.</p>
+
+ <p>U the Unquestioning Faith of the some,</p>
+
+ <p>V is the Vaudeville, where they all come.</p>
+
+ <p>W stands for the Worshipping Few,</p>
+
+ <p>X their Xtreme disproportionate view.</p>
+
+ <p>Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows,</p>
+
+ <p>Z brings an alphabet rhyme to a close.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+ <p><i>The Diary of a Pilgrimage</i> occupies 175 pages of one
+ of ARROWSMITH's three-and-sixpenny books, and no doubt the
+ admirers of its author, Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, may possibly not
+ grudge this amount when gauging its value by its attractive
+ cover. It is "'ARRY Abroad," that's all. 'ARRY Abroad laughs
+ and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers at
+ everything he does not understand&mdash;and this includes the
+ greater portion of all he sees and hears&mdash;chaffs puzzled
+ officials, and everywhere makes himself highly and
+ exceptionally popular. In this <i>Diary</i> 'ARRY is
+ occasionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring to be
+ either serious or sentimental, or both. 'ARRY serious or 'ARRY
+ sentimental, or 'ARRY sentimentally serious and expecting to be
+ taken at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a
+ little of it goes a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes
+ too far, especially when giving us his valuable opinion on the
+ Passion Play. 'ARRY on the Passion Play, and the character of
+ JUDAS ISCARIOT! As <i>Hedda Gabler's</i> husband observes on
+ every possible opportunity&mdash;"Fancy <i>that</i>!" Only once
+ the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling 'ARRY,
+ and this happens when he says, "I must candidly confess that
+ the English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent
+ are, taken as a whole, a most disagreeable contingent." Yes,
+ certainly, when they are all 'Arries. Set an 'ARRY to catch an
+ 'ARRY, and of course to the regular right-down 'ARRY all other
+ 'ARRIES, not 'appnin' to 'ave the <i>h</i>onour of being 'is
+ own par<i>tics</i>, are detestably vulgar cads. The remainder
+ of the book, <i>i.e.</i>, 131 pages, is padded with essays, a
+ fact not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like
+ charity, covers a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a
+ fair way of stating contents, is a question which the Baron
+ supposes both Publishers and Author have thoroughly
+ considered.</p>
+
+ <p>Don't skip ELLEN TERRY's Memoirs in <i>The New Review</i>.
+ Nothing much in them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See
+ <i>Murray's Magazine</i> for Mr. GLADSTONE on the <i>Murray
+ Memoirs</i>, in the number for the "Murray Month of May." When
+ you are routing about for something short and amusing, take up
+ the <i>Cornhill</i>, and read <i>A Flash in the Pan</i>. I have
+ commenced, says the Baron, my friend GEORGE MEREDITH's <i>One
+ of the Conquerors</i>. Now G.M. is an author whose work does
+ not admit of the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping.
+ Here the skipper's occupation is gone. G.M.'s work should be
+ taken away by the reader far from the madding crowd and perused
+ and pondered over. If Ponder's End is a tranquil place as the
+ name implies, then to that secluded spot betake yourself with
+ your GEORGE MEREDITH, O happy and studious reader, and ponder
+ in peace.</p>
+
+ <p>Since the time of <i>Richard Feverel</i>, which I shall
+ always consider his best, "of the very best" as ZERO of the
+ Monte Carlo Bar has it, G.M. has developed into a gold-beater
+ of epigrams. What once served him as a two-line epigram, is now
+ spread out over a couple of pages. Two volumes instead of three
+ would serve his turn far better, or rather the public's turn,
+ for his own is a very peculiar one. But to my task, says the
+ Baron, give me a slight refresher and a suck at the lemon as it
+ were, or a sip of the lemonade, and at him again. <i>Festina
+ lente</i>. More anon from</p>
+
+ <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS.</h2>
+
+ <p>Well, things is cumming to a pretty pass, things is, when
+ I'm acshally told that, as it used to be said formerly, "No
+ Hirish need apply for nothing," so now, we are told, that no
+ English Waiters need apply at the Royal Nawal Xhibishun unless
+ he bes a German!</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:50%;">
+ <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/239.png"
+ alt="Robert the Waiter." /></a>
+
+ <h4>"Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the Waves! For
+ Britons never, never, NEVER Shall be Slaves!"</h4><i>Robert
+ the Waiter</i>. "WHAT'S THIS! 'NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY!
+ GERMANS ONLY TAKEN'! THIS <i>IS</i> 'BRITONS NEVER SHALL BE
+ SLAVES' WITH A WENGEANCE!"
+ </div>
+
+ <p>I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals
+ (as is so fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so
+ werry parshal to Germans, that they woud sooner go without
+ their dinners and tease, than be waited on by any other
+ gennelmen, most suttenly not. "<i>O contrare</i>," as the
+ French Waiters says. It 'ud be a jolly long time, I shood
+ think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call a
+ Waiter a <i>Gasson</i>, tho' as it means, I'm told, a Boy,
+ there is sum little sense in it, coz there's, in course. Old
+ Boys as well as yung ones; but what on airth meaning is there
+ in a Kelner! as I'm acshally told all German Waiters insists on
+ being called! Why the thing's too absurd to tork about.</p>
+
+ <p>Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as
+ we are quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice
+ confidenshal tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no
+ true Born Englishman ewer yet spoke to a Frenchman, much less a
+ German. No, no, the hole thing's a mistake, as will soon be
+ found out. And what a groce injustice to the native article.
+ These sollem-looking Germans, not content with pushing our poor
+ sons from their stools in our counting-houses, as
+ <i>Macbeth</i> says, must now cum and take the werry bread out
+ of their poor Father's mouths. Oh pale-faced shame, where's
+ your blush? And think too of their himperance. Why they are
+ acshilly a going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in
+ Lundon, and does anyone think as they'll write up on the gates,
+ "Only English Waiters need apply?" Why the hidear is ridiclous,
+ but where's the difference I should like to kno. No, no, no one
+ can kno better than I do, from a long and waried xperience,
+ from the Grand old City, the ome of ospitality and turtle soup,
+ to the "Grand" and "Metropole," the omes of lucksury and
+ refinement, that the British Public likes his British Waiter,
+ he likes his nice respecful ways, the helligent Bow with which
+ he ands him his At, and the graceful hair with which he
+ receeves his little doosure.</p>
+
+ <p class="author">ROBERT.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page240"
+ id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+
+ <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2>
+
+ <h4>No. IV.&mdash;THE HUSBAND'S OLD SCHOOL-FELLOW.</h4>
+
+ <p>We will suppose that you are a young wife, and that your
+ husband is absent in the City during the greater part of the
+ day. One afternoon a card is brought in bearing the
+ inscription:&mdash;</p>
+
+ <center>
+ CAPTAIN CAULKER.
+ </center>
+
+ <center>
+ <i>United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry</i>.
+ </center>
+
+ <p>Which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed,
+ rather portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache,
+ who greets you with the utmost cordiality. "I happened to find
+ myself in this neighbourhood," he says, "and I could
+ not&mdash;I really could <i>not</i>&mdash;resist this
+ opportunity. My name, I venture to think, is a sufficient
+ introduction?"</p>
+
+ <p>It is nothing of the sort&mdash;but you are too shy and too
+ polite to admit it, so you merely murmur some incoherency. He
+ detects you at once. "Ah!" he cries, in good-tempered reproach;
+ "I see, I've been too sanguine. Now confess, my dear lady, you
+ haven't a <i>notion</i> who I am!"</p>
+
+ <p>Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your
+ visitor's identity&mdash;as yet. "Well&mdash;well," he says,
+ tolerantly, "Time is a terrible sponge&mdash;though I had hoped
+ that, even after all these years, your dear husband might have
+ occasionally mentioned the name of his old school-chum! I've
+ never forgotten <i>him</i>&mdash;no, all through the years I've
+ been in India I've never forgotten dear old WALTER!"</p>
+
+ <p>"But my husband's name is <i>WILLIAM</i>!" you say here.</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:30%;">
+ <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/240.png"
+ alt="Captain Caulker." /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <p>"He was always WALTER to <i>me</i>, Madam, or
+ rather&mdash;WATTY. He was so like a favourite young brother of
+ mine, who died young. That drew us together from the first. Did
+ dear old WATTY never tell you how he saved my life once?... No?
+ So like him!&mdash;he wouldn't. But he did, though; yes, by
+ Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and kept me up
+ when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I see
+ a photograph upon your writing-table&mdash;surely, unless I am
+ wrong, that&mdash;"</p>
+
+ <p>"That is a portrait of my only brother," you will say; "he
+ is out in India with his regiment&mdash;perhaps you may have
+ met him there?"</p>
+
+ <p>"Thought I knew the face&mdash;met him at Simla, several
+ times," says the Captain; "wonderful how small the world is!
+ But have you one of old WATTY's photos? I should so like to see
+ whether the dear old chap has altered ... Ah, I should hardly
+ have known him&mdash;and yet, yes, the same cheery, jolly look,
+ I can trace the boy there, I can see my old WATTY again! No
+ friends, my dear Mrs. GOSLING, like those we make in early
+ youth! And he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very
+ charming excuse for forgetting the past&mdash;though I shall
+ tell him when I see him that I do think he might have
+ remembered his old school-friend a little better than he seems
+ to have done. Your servant informed me that he was seldom at
+ home quite so early as this, but I thought if I could not see
+ <i>him</i>, I would at least give myself the pleasure of making
+ the acquaintance of his wife, so I just ventured to come in for
+ five minutes."</p>
+
+ <p>"WILLIAM will be so disappointed to have missed you," you
+ say, eagerly; "can't you wait and let me give you some tea? He
+ may be back in half an hour."</p>
+
+ <p>"In half an hour? Well, 'pon my word, you tempt me very
+ much. I shouldn't like to go away without seeing him, but I
+ must send away my cab first&mdash;no, it's not outside, left it
+ at the corner of the road, as I wasn't certain of the
+ number&mdash;I s'pose I've got enough silver to&mdash;no, I
+ haven't, by Jove! <i>Could</i> you oblige me by change for
+ a&mdash;well, really, this is very awkward. I've positively
+ come out with only a shilling&mdash;thought it was a sovereign!
+ I shall have to ask dear old WATTY to accommodate me&mdash;I've
+ lent <i>him</i> many a half-crown in the old days. Absurd
+ predicament to be in, and if I keep my cabman waiting, I don't
+ know what he mayn't charge me. I took him three hours ago. I
+ tell you what, my dear Mrs. GOSLING; If you'll advance me a
+ sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then
+ it won't signify <i>how</i> long I wait for WATTY. <i>Can</i>
+ you? Too good of you, I'm sure! WATTY will chaff me when he
+ hears I've been borrowing like this, ha, ha!" Here your ear,
+ sharpened by affection, catches a well-known turn of the
+ latch-key at your front-door. "Why, how fortunate!" you
+ exclaim, "here <i>is</i> my husband already, Captain CAULKER.
+ He will come in as soon as he has changed his shoes."</p>
+
+ <p>"Capital!" cries the Captain. "Look here, Mrs.
+ GOSLING,&mdash;I've just thought of a little joke. I want to
+ see if he'll <i>know</i> me. Now you go and talk to him a
+ little, and&mdash;presently, you know&mdash;say there's a man
+ in the drawing-room, who's come to wind the clocks, and then
+ I'll come in to where you are, and make believe to wind the
+ clock there&mdash;do you see? I'd bet anything he won't spot me
+ at first!"</p>
+
+ <p>You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a
+ pretty little comedy, and you trip away to the study, and
+ archly keep dear WILLIAM in conversation until the Captain is
+ ready to make his appearance. At last, a little impatiently,
+ you give the cue by mentioning that there is a clock-winder in
+ the drawing-room. WILLIAM is amusingly suspicious, and insists
+ on seeing the man. As the scene will be just as funny in the
+ drawing-room, you accompany him thither&mdash;but there is no
+ gallant Captain there affecting to wind your charming little
+ Sèvres clock (a wedding present)&mdash;he has gone,
+ and&mdash;alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to
+ wind. And WILLIAM is <i>most</i> disagreeable and unpleasant
+ about it!</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>NOTES FROM A NURSERY-GARDEN.</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>By an Awfully Clever Child</i>.)</h4>
+
+ <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;I am a Poetess. I am told that the Age
+ is old, and that Poetry is over. <i>My</i> age is ten, and my
+ poetry is certainly not over. My nurse (one of those horrid
+ critics) has ventured to suggest that I am not original. I
+ leave you to judge. Yours impatiently, ENFANT TERRIBLE.</p>
+
+ <h4>N.W.</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Alack! up Northern Primrose Hill</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah,
+ GILL!</i>)</p>
+
+ <p>They climbed, and deemed it Helicon,</p>
+
+ <p>Those childish bards, GILLETTE and JOHN,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Their pails with Hippocrene to fill.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah,
+ GILL!</i>)</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Adown that Western Hill, alack!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh,
+ JACK!</i>)</p>
+
+ <p>Or e'er they gained the Muses' well,</p>
+
+ <p>JACK kicked his bucket frail and, fell.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And GILL was brought upon her back.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">(<i>Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh,
+ JACK!</i>)</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+
+ <h4>TO A SCENTY PEDE.</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>How doth yonder miniature featness,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Though wingless, with gossamer wit,</p>
+
+ <p>Foregather mellifluent sweetness,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">While Fates unrelenting permit&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>Wise heir of bright hours, completeness</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of blossoms that flicker and flit.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+
+ <h4>ON A JAPANESE SCREEN.</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>In Yeddo, where long lilies weep, Bo' Peep</p>
+
+ <p>The shepherdess hath lost her sheep.</p>
+
+ <p>She recks not where the sheep have strayed, Poor
+ maid,</p>
+
+ <p>Beneath the Boodha-Temple's shade.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Her solace is the Minstrel's: <i>I'd</i> Let
+ slide</p>
+
+ <p>My flocks of verse without a guide.</p>
+
+ <p>So will they best return without A doubt&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>Or tale that mortal can make out.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+
+ <h4>MISS MUFFET.</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i10">So sweet!</p>
+
+ <p>Child-Innocence, with upward-curling feet</p>
+
+ <p class="i10">On buffet-seat,</p>
+
+ <p>Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat.</p>
+
+ <p class="i10">So sad!</p>
+
+ <p>The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad</p>
+
+ <p class="i10">Swoops, boldly bad,</p>
+
+ <p>And scares (as spiders scare) the Pure and Glad.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+
+ <h4>ON A KLEPTOMANIAC.</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Ah, Violin Cremonian!</p>
+
+ <p>Ah, Pussy-cat of Ispahan!</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon!</p>
+
+ <p>Yes, dainty poodle, laugh away,</p>
+
+ <p>And mock the pranks poor mortals play</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Who spoon the dish and dish the
+ spoon!</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS.</h3>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Give me an elfin, frolic MAY,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">No Queen with hoarse cadenzas,</p>
+
+ <p>Who pipes a frozen roundelay</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of spiteful influenzas.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p><i>My</i> MAY shall air no voices crude.</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">No chained and chilly dances&mdash;</p>
+
+ <p>With wordless harmonies endued</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And pirouetting fancies.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>She'll draw us round no Northern Poles</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">With crowns of mimic roses.</p>
+
+ <p>That mock our sad sepulchral souls</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And counterfeit our noses.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>But white as hawthorn blossom, free</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">As air to shed her pleasures,</p>
+
+ <p><i>My</i> mute, melodious MAY shall be</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The soul of wayward measures.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>To put it plainly, while the ban</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of Spring on us and gales is,</p>
+
+ <p>I'll bask and smile and worship JEANNE</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Within the Prince of Wales's.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>CONSERVATIVE COMMENT ON A RECENT ELECTION (<i>after Mr.
+ Middlewick</i>).&mdash;"Humph! Inferior Dosset!"</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+ whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+ description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+ accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+ Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13348 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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