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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13348 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+May 16, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XVII.--GASPS.
+
+(_BY_ OLPH SCHREION, _AUTHOR OF "SCREAMS," "THE ALLEGORY OF AN ASIAN
+RANCHE._")
+
+    ["You will perceive," writes the Author of the following
+    story, "that this is allegorical, but it is not by any means
+    necessary that you should understand it. The chief charm of
+    allegorical writing is its absolute freedom from the trammels
+    of convention. You write something large and vague, with any
+    amount of symbols thrown in. The words flow quite easily;
+    you cover scores of pages. Then you read it over again next
+    morning. If you understand it so little as to think some other
+    fellow must have written it, you may be quite certain it is
+    an allegory. When you print it, your public reads into it
+    all kinds of mysterious and morbid religious emotions, and
+    confused misinterpretations of life-problems, and everybody
+    tacks on his own special explanation. That being so, it is
+    quite unnecessary for you to explain things--which saves
+    a great deal of trouble. The plan is an excellent one. Try
+    it.--Yours, allegorically, O.S."]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+TANT' SANNIE was stewing _kraut_ in the old Dutch saucepan. The
+scorching rays of the African sun were beating down upon BONAPARTE
+BLENKINS who was doing his best to be sun-like by beating WALDO.
+His nose was red and disagreeable. He was something like HUCKLEBERRY
+FINN's Dauphin, an amusing, callous, cruel rogue, but less
+resourceful. TANT' SANNIE laughed; it was so pleasant to see a German
+boy beaten black and blue. But the Hottentot servants merely gaped. It
+was their custom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But in the middle distance Life was playing marbles with the Unknown.
+And the Unknown said unto Life, "Give me an alley-tor." But Life
+replied, "Nay, for the commoneys are lying well, and the thumb of
+him that aimeth is seasoned unto the stroke." And the Unknown beat
+his sable wings together, and one black feather flitted far into the
+breast of the day and fell to earth. And there came a fair-haired
+Child plucking flowers in the desert with brows bent in thought.
+
+And Life said unto the Child, "Play with me."
+
+And the Unknown said, "Play with me."
+
+But the Child raised its soft hand slowly and the tender fingers grew
+apart, and its thumb was poised in thought upon its nose, and it spake
+not at all. And the feather flitted far, far over the waste, and men
+came forth and gazed upon it, but it heeded them not.
+
+Then said Life, "I am strong. Kings have need of me and earth is
+my dominion." But the Unknown gathered up the scattered marbles,
+concealing them gently, and answered only this--"I am a greater than
+Life."
+
+And the Child strayed onwards and the feather flitted, and TANT'
+SANNIE still stewed _kraut_ in the old Dutch saucepan. And BONAPARTE
+BLENKINS was glad.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+Cruelty, cruelty, cruelty--all is cruelty! Boys are beaten; oxen
+are stabbed till the blood bursts forth; happy, industrious,
+dung-collecting beetles are bitten in two by careless, happy,
+beetle-collecting dogs--everything is wicked and cruel. The Kaffir
+has beautiful legs, but he will kick his wife, and TANT' SANNIE,
+alas! will not be there to drop a pickle-tub on his head. And over
+everything hangs that inscrutable charm which hovers for ever for the
+human intellect over the incomprehensible and shadowy. _Omne ignotum
+pro mirifico_, I might say, but I prefer the longer phrase.
+
+And I stood at the gate of Heaven, I and TANT' SANNIE; and we spoke
+to everybody quite affably; and they all had time to listen to what we
+said, and to make suitable replies.
+
+And I said, "Are we all here?"
+
+And she said, "Not all."
+
+And I said, "The absent are always in the wrong."
+
+And she said, "I have heard that in French."
+
+And I said, "Is not that impertinent?"
+
+And she said, "No."
+
+And a great Light fell across her face, as though a palm had smitten
+it, and the name of the palm was Hand, and its fruits were fingers
+five.
+
+And again I addressed myself in terms of familiarity to the
+Ever-lasting, and I planted a book upon the clouds, where eight
+children lay prone with bees flying about their childish bonnets.
+
+And there came a knock at my door.
+
+"Eight o'clock!" said One. "Arise!"
+
+"Nay," I answered; "it cannot be."
+
+"But the water is hot within the can, and the table will be spread for
+them that break their fast."
+
+"So be it. I rise." And behold it was a dream!
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+Far away the mother of the little nigger stood churning. Where is
+the mother of the little black nigger? She is churning slowly in the
+garden. But cannot the aunt of the good gardener churn herself? No;
+for she is in the orchard, plucking the apples, peaches, apricots,
+pears (_Birnen_), to give to the butler's grandmother.
+
+And there came Life and The Ideal walking hand in hand. And behind
+them came Wealth and Vastness singing together. And Infinity was
+there, and Health, and Wisdom, and Love. And Reflection was mounted
+on a steed with Joy. And many other shapes followed, delicately
+arrayed in fine linen. And helmet-wearing Men in Blue marshalled the
+procession. And they spake roughly, saying, "Pass away there, pass
+away there!"
+
+And I said, "Is this the Lord Mayor's Show?"
+
+And One said, "No."
+
+And I said, "Is it the Salvation Army?"
+
+And again One said, "No."
+
+And I said, "Is it SEQUAH?"
+
+And One said again. "No."
+
+And I said, "I have guessed enough."
+
+And One said, "Yes."
+
+But The Real was not there, and they passed away.
+
+And One said, "I am Wealth," which was absurd, but No-one laughed. And
+they all danced a fandango on the points of their toes. And a shaft of
+light lay over them. And they wandered on. At last they came to a bad,
+wicked naughty, brimstone place. And I said to Some-one, "I like this.
+It seems a good place." And still No-one laughed. And Wealth touched
+me, and I was glad. And I said, "Give me millions, or buy a box of
+matches," and Law seized me and took me to the Cell. Then I said to
+the Beak, "Your Worship." And the Beak said unto me, "Begging again.
+Forty shillings." And again I woke. And it was all a striving and a
+striving and an ending in Nothing.
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MLLE. JANE MAY.
+
+  "Au clair de la lune,
+  Mon ami PIERROT,
+  Prête-moi ta plume
+  Pour écrire un mot."
+
+  _Prête-moi ta plume!_ Could wit borrow a feather
+  From Cupid's own pinion, 'tis doubtfullish whether
+  A "_mot_" might be made which should happily hit
+  The "gold" of desert; and Love, aided by Wit,
+  Though equal to eloquent passion's fine glow,
+  Might both be struck mute by the Muse of Dumb-Show.
+  That "actions speak louder than words" we all knew;
+  But now we may add, "and more gracefully, too."
+  _Performances_ fine _Punch_ has praised in his day,
+  But how few take the _pas_ of the _Promise_--of MAY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NATIVE RACES AND THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC."--An important subject strangely
+omitted at the recent meeting of this Society was "The Consumption of
+Champagne on the Derby and Oaks Days." The Duke of WESTMINSTER will
+take the earliest opportunity of rectifying this error.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BLEND.
+
+_The Wine Merchant_ (G-SCH-N). "I'M AFRAID SOME OF OUR OLD CUSTOMERS
+WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST; BUT, WITH A LITTLE PERSUASION, I THINK I CAN
+GET 'EM TO TAKE TO IT KINDLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIM THE CELLARER; OR, THE BLEND.
+
+AIR.--"_SIMON THE CELLARER_."
+
+  'Cute JOKIM the Cellarer keeps a large store
+    Of choice Party Spirits, d'ye see;
+  Scotch, Irish, and who can say how many more?
+    An eclectic old soul is he.
+  But mainly in "Blends" he is good, dark or pale,
+  For he knows without them his best bottlings may fail;
+  But he never faileth, he archly doth say,
+  For he well knows what tap suits the taste of the day.
+      And ho! ho! ho! his books will show
+      He oft taps the barrels of Brummagem JOE!
+
+  JOE sits all the time in his own still-room,
+    And a taster clever is he.
+  'Tis in vain that his enemies kick up a fume.
+    And swear he is half a Torie.
+  But there are sly meetings upon the backstair.
+  And watchers say JOE is oft gossiping there.
+  Now JOE distrusts someone who's Grand, and who's Old,
+  And says that he _must_ be kept "out in the cold."
+      And ho! ho! ho! old JOKIM doth know
+      That many a flask of his best comes from JOE.
+
+  'Cute JOKIM keeps blending JOE's taps and his own;
+    Though knowing harsh rumours are rife;
+  And Brummagem JOE is oft heard to declare,
+    Their partnership _may_ last for life.
+  And JOKIM says, "some call Brum JOE a bad chap,
+  But they'll soon learn to relish the taste of his tap,
+  And while I may Brummagem JOE call my friend,
+  I _think_ I shall customers find for our 'Blend.'"
+      While ho! ho! ho! he'll chuckle and crow;
+      "What, turn up Brum JOE, my boys? No! no! no!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Monday, May 4_.--ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN's _Carmen_ is about the best when
+all the other dear charmers are away, and in the character she will
+probably remain in possession of the field, or, rather, "the Garden,"
+till the end of the season. The remainder as before, with DEVOYOD
+as _Escamillo_. But what has become of the "go" in the _Toréador's_
+great song? Where are the double _encores_? Where, indeed, the hearty
+applause? Surely it has gone the way of the March in _Faust_, once
+so enthusiastically received and cheered to the echo; and now--"March
+off!" It is true that, once let a "tuney tune" become vulgarised by
+street-musicians, and organic disease would be sufficient to kill it
+were it not tortured and ground to death by remorseless hands. But
+the _Toréador's_ song and the March have not been the victims of an
+organised opposition. Perhaps, though, they may have been, only 'tis
+so long ago as not to be within the ken of the present deponent.
+Anyhow, the _Toréador's_ song goes for nothing nowadays, and yet 'tis
+as good as ever.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Thursday_.--We welcomed _The Don_. Not the Academic Don once so
+popularly represented by Mr. J.L. TOOLE, but MOZART's Italianised
+Spanish Don. _À propos_ of Mr. TOOLE, it has always been the wonder of
+his friends, to whom the quality of his vocal powers is so well known,
+that he has never been tempted to renounce the simple histrionic for
+the lyric Drama. It is said, and "greatly to his credit," that, had
+it not been for his unwillingness to rob his friend SIMS REEVES of the
+laurel-crown he wears as first English Tenor of his age, he would long
+ago have set up a most dangerous opposition to that sweet singer, and
+have ridden off victoriously with "_My Pretty Jane_" seated up behind
+him, pillion-wise, on the noble steed known as "_The Bay of Biscay
+O!_"
+
+But the above is an _entr'acte_, shorter than those at Covent Garden,
+by the way. M. MAUREL first-rate as the _Don_, both in acting and
+singing, even better in former than latter; but the dear old serenade,
+which never can be vulgarised, in spite of its popularity, was
+encored, and the encore was gracefully accepted, Signor BEVIGNANI
+being in the chair, and willing to tap the desk and announce,
+"Gentlemen! Monsieur MAUREL will oblige again!" Applause.
+
+If all the village maidens could dress in a costume such as Miss
+ZÉLIE-ZERLINA wears, then, to take the best and nicest view of it,
+that village must be uncommonly prosperous. Probably tourists' visits
+are not few and far between: but anyhow, even the most unsuspicious
+bumpkin of a lover, would be inclined to ask a few questions about
+this finery. However, her performance was as fine as the dress, and
+she looked quite the ZÉLIE-ZERLINA, so fascinating to the Lord and the
+Lout.
+
+_Saturday_.--_Roméo et Juliette_, that is, M. JEAN DE RESZKÉ and Mlle.
+EAMES. A nearly perfect performance. JEAN a trifle too stout for an
+ideal _Romeo_, but of course he couldn't go into training for the
+part at short notice. The spirit with which he played the part far
+outweighed the error of the flesh. Miss EAMES a charming _Juliet_
+in every way, though her singing of the waltz was not of dazzling
+firework brilliancy. Brother NED was the _Frère Laurent_. Excellent.
+The name Anglo-Frenchified, suggests a reverend gentleman who would
+meddle with legal marriages and perform private ceremonies without
+leave or licence from his Ordinary, and might be known as Brother
+Law-wrong, an Extra-Ordinary Friar. The House crammed full with an
+audience as brilliant as the performance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS.
+
+_Son of the House_. "YOU'RE NOT DANCING, MR. LAMBERT! DON'T YOU WISH
+TO?"
+
+_Mr. Lambert_ (_who is not so slim as he used to be_). "CERTAINLY--IF
+YOU CAN FIND ME A _CONCAVE PARTNER_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST SONG.
+
+    [Mr. SIMS REEVES was announced to sing "_Total Eclipse_" at
+    his Farewell Concert on Monday.]
+
+  Farewell! A most unwelcome word to all
+  Whom fifty years of charm have held in thrall:
+  Total eclipse--of pleasure on their part
+  Who love pure melody and polished Art.
+  Memory will echo long the silvery chime
+  Of such a voice as even ruthless Time
+  Might stay his stride to listen to, and spare
+  From the corroding touch. Some scarce will care
+  To hear "_Tom Bowling_" sung by other lips,
+  And when in tenor strains "_Total Eclipse_"
+  Sounds next upon our ears, SIMS REEVES will seem
+  To sing again to us as in a pleasant dream.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. McEwan.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 4_.--Windbag SEXTON had fine
+opportunity to-night; made the most of it. SEYMOUR KEAY absent through
+greater part of sitting. Various rumours current in explanation of the
+happy accident. Influenza hinted at; but Grand Young GARDNER, who is
+familiar with both, says _Grippe_ much too knowing to link itself with
+Member for Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock, rumour set at rest
+by appearance of KEAY. Simple explanation of temporary absence is,
+that he has been at home, drawing up a few more Amendments.
+
+In his absence. Windbag had it all to himself. How many speeches he
+has made through the dreary sitting am afraid to reckon up. Members
+going off to write letters, smoke a cigar, read evening papers, or
+dine, leave him on his legs, with one hand in pocket, and smile of
+serene satisfaction on face, prosing on. Coming back, they find him
+still in same position, apparently saying same thing. Has lately
+developed new oratorical charm. Constantly repeats his sentences, word
+for word. Everybody cleared out, even Mr. G., and JOHN MORLEY. Only
+Prince ARTHUR left languorous on Treasury Bench.
+
+"Drooping like a lily out of water," MCEWAN says. Not that he's given
+to tropes of the kind; but, being lately at a wedding feast smothered
+in flowers, some of them have got into his conversation.
+
+_Business done_.--In Committee on Irish Land Bill, but no forrader.
+
+[Illustration: W.H. Smith in his new character as Warden of the Cinque
+Ports and Constable of Dover Castle.]
+
+_Tuesday_.--"Do you think I ought to wear spurs, TOBY?"
+
+It was Old MORALITY who spoke. We were in his room at House; just
+torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill, where, at the
+moment, oddly enough SEXTON chanced to be speaking. Old MORALITY
+has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, and is trying on his
+uniform. Rather piratical arrangement; blue cloth coat with large
+brass buttons, red sash round his waist, with holster thrust in
+it, containing the horse-pistol with which PITT armed himself when
+he sat at the window of Walmer Castle, looking across the Channel,
+momentarily expecting to discover BONEY crossing in a flat-bottomed
+boat. The trousers are of scarlet, with broad braid of gold lace
+on outer seams. Finally there is a truculent cocked hat, which OLD
+MORALITY persists in putting on with the peak astarn. The dress
+is picturesque, and OLD MORALITY's figure lends itself to it with
+peculiar grace and fitness.
+
+"I fancy WELLINGTON wore spurs," the Lord Warden persisted.
+
+Yes, I point out; but PITT didn't, nor did PALMERSTON. Anyhow just
+as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow up to them, as
+it were.
+
+Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly in need
+of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old MORALITY were
+discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his present costume.
+
+"No," he said, "they would think I was going to move or second the
+Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a little before
+appearing in them in public places."
+
+So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching up and
+down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer. Oddly enough,
+when I arrive Windbag SEXTON making a speech, the few Members present
+talking about Old MORALITY's promotion. A dangerous epoch in a man's
+life. People apt just then to discover all kinds of shortcomings, and
+reasons why the promotion should have fallen elsewhere. But no one
+grudges OLD MORALITY this high and ancient honour; a fresh chapter in
+the pleasant story of "Mr. SMITH," a new "Part of His Life." For five
+years he has sat on the Treasury Bench in succession to DISRAELI and
+GLADSTONE; now he will answer for the safety of the Cinque Ports in
+succession to PITT and WELLINGTON, DALHOUSIE and PALMERSTON. _Business
+done_.--OLD MORALITY made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.
+
+_Thursday_.--"TAY PAY also among the Gentlemen of England!" exclaimed
+SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, for once almost moved out of his customary
+self-possession. It certainly seems so. Came about on Second Reading
+of London Tramways Bill; promoters want to bring tramway over
+Westminster Bridge, and along Embankment. DEMOS desires to go about
+his business on the tramway, and does not see why he should be
+arbitrarily stopped before he has accomplished his journey. Carriage
+folk say, No; let DEMOS and his penny tram stop at other side of
+the water, leaving the broad thoroughfare of the Embankment for what
+RADCLIFFE COOKE called "the gilded chariot."
+
+Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find TAY PAY in
+this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't opened his voice in
+debate; spoken in public only once. That was to his constituents in
+Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced with portentous blast in advance
+that then and there the anxious world should learn what side he took
+in the leadership controversy. Others had declared themselves, whether
+for Brer FOX or Brer RABBIT. The momentous issue of TAY PAY's decision
+required further deliberation. So all the world had to wait till
+TAY PAY came home and saw his constituents. Result not altogether
+satisfactory. As TIM HEALY put it, "TAY PAY showed disposition to hunt
+with Brer FOX and run with Brer RABBIT." If in the end Brer FOX won,
+nothing in TAY PAY's Scotland Road speech need prevent him returning
+to his allegiance. If Brer FOX remained under a cloud, he could jog
+along with Brer RABBIT. Been careful not to spoil the little game by
+taking part in debate in House.
+
+Now, on this London Tramways Bill, which touches neither Brer FOX
+nor Brer RABBIT, TAY PAY interposes. Conservatives snort impatiently
+when he rises; cry aloud for division; take it for granted that TAY
+PAY will back up DEMOS's demand for equal right of way. But TAY PAY
+has genuine little surprise in store; is loftily contemptuous of
+tramways, doncha. If they cross the bridge and approach the precincts
+of the West End, what is to become of carriage-folk? "A noisy and
+inconvenient system of locomotion," said TAY PAY, shuddering with
+disgust, as though he heard a coarse voice crying "Fares, please!"
+
+[Illustration: Demos.]
+
+House roared with laughter; RADCLIFFE COOKE talked about opposition
+"coming from Members who hoped to ride in gilded coaches"; CREMER
+rudely reminded TAY PAY that ten or fifteen years ago, he would have
+taken a very different view of the convenience of tramway cars. This
+wasn't pleasant; but when the Division bell rang, TAY PAY had the
+satisfaction of walking, alone amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen
+of England, triumphantly vindicating the rights of carriage-folk
+against tramway trabs. Long time since House of Commons witnessed
+a scene so rich as this in material for reflection. _Business
+done_.--TAY PAY declares against trams.
+
+_Friday_.--Attendance on House gradually diminishing; what with
+influenza, and Irish Land Bill in Committee, Members gradually
+thinning off. No M.P. complete without his influenza. Barks shall not
+be out of anything if its humble, but conscientious Member can manage
+it; so I've "took" the influenza, or the influenza's "took" me.
+Don't exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed together.
+_Business done_.--Don't know anything about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+[CONTINUED.]
+
+[Illustration: Looking for a Seat.]
+
+_Wednesday, April 30th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--Spent yesterday
+and the day before in chambers at the Temple. No work as usual. Think
+I shall give it all up, and take entirely to politics. Yesterday
+afternoon a Mr. RICHARDSON GROGRAM called on me by appointment. He had
+written me a long letter stating that he had important information to
+communicate to me with reference to my candidature at Billsbury, and
+desired a short interview in order to lay it before me, Said he was
+"a Billsbury man born and bred, and naturally interested in everything
+that concerned the welfare of the old place, though for family
+reasons he had found it best to make the home of his riper manhood in
+the Metropolis." I smelt a rat, but thought it best to give him an
+interview. He is a tall man, with a dark beard, straight dark hair, a
+sallow face and shifty eyes, and was dressed rather like a dissenting
+clergyman. He was immensely genial in his manner, said he had read
+every word of my eloquent speeches, and thoroughly agreed with all
+I had said, though he himself would never have been able to say it
+half as well. He then asked me if I had heard of his "History of the
+Borough of Billsbury" in four volumes. I asked him who had published
+it and when, but he said he had been made the victim of intrigues, and
+had not yet secured a publisher, though there was any amount of money
+to be made out of the book. Would I like to read it in MS., and give
+him my candid opinion of it? Excused myself on the ground of great
+pressure of work. He talked like this for about twenty minutes, and at
+last came to what he called the chief purport of his visit. He said
+he had in the course of his investigations, been fortunate enough to
+acquire important and exclusive knowledge with regard to the early
+life of Sir THOMAS CHUBSON and his chief supporters in Billsbury.
+"If it is published," he continued, "it will absolutely blast the
+prospects of Radicalism in Billsbury. I am not a grasping man, but I
+must consider my family. Still, Sir, such is my respect and liking
+for you, that I am willing to place a sealed packet containing all
+these stories in your hands on payment of £150 down." I told him that
+wasn't my way either of fighting a constituency or of doing business,
+whereupon he became more voluble than ever, and I had no end of a job
+to get rid of the oily beast. JERRAM tells me to-day that he was once
+a solicitor's clerk in Billsbury, and had to leave on account of
+some missing money. Since then he appears to have lived a shady life,
+varied by attempts at blackmail. Faugh!
+
+Came down to Billsbury to-day, to attend the inaugural dinner of the
+season of the Billsbury Cricket Club. I am a Vice-President, and so
+is CHUBSON. The dinner was held in the large room of the "Blue Posts
+Hotel." General BANNATYNE, an old Indian, who is the President of the
+Club, was in the chair, having CHUBSON on his right, and me on his
+left. Old CHUBSON, to whom I was introduced, seems not half a bad old
+fellow, but he can't speak a bit. The dinner was awful, everything
+as tough as leather, and the Cabinet Pudding more beastly than any
+Cabinet Pudding I ever tasted--which is saying a good deal. CHUBSON
+proposed, "Prosperity to the Billsbury C.C." "Politics," he said,
+"are like Cricket. We spend our time in bowling overs." At this point
+a young Conservative, who had drunk too much, shouted, "Ah, and you
+mostly change sides, too"--an allusion to the fact that CHUBSON is
+believed to have started in politics as a Tory. Somebody removed
+the interrupter, and CHUBSON finished his speech all right, but
+the incident must have annoyed him. I proposed "The Town and Trade
+of Billsbury," and started by saying what pleasure it gave anybody
+occupied in politics to take a part in a non-political celebration
+like this. "My friend, Sir THOMAS CHUBSON," I said, "and I have not
+met before, and I congratulate myself, therefore, on having been
+introduced to him to-day. We shall do our level best to bowl one
+another out, but I know we shall play the game according to the rules,
+and in that spirit of fair-play for which Englishmen in general, and
+Billsbury cricketers in particular, are celebrated."
+
+This was rather mixed, but it went very well. I think I took the shine
+out of CHUBSON. Later on there was a shocking row between two of the
+town-councillors, who got to loggerheads over the question of the
+Billsbury Waterworks. It was smoothed over, however, after everybody
+had shouted "No politics!" for about ten minutes.
+
+TOLLAND says we must begin to canvas a little soon. Horrible work, but
+absolutely necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLS.
+
+(BY A BUFFER.)
+
+    "Unfortunately (at bowls) one had to stoop to conquer: it is
+    that stooping which (except in politics) plays the deuce with
+    us after fifty."--_James Payn's Plea for Bowls_.
+
+  Yes, PAYN, you are right--as you commonly are--
+  The vertebræ creak and the ribs seem to jar,
+      When a man bends his back--after fifty--
+  If only to pull off his boots; he at length
+  Finds that curve in his spine is a strain on the strength
+      Of which middle-age must be thrifty.
+
+  But Bowls! Yes, my boy, it's a jolly old game,
+  Though athletic fanatics might vote it too tame,
+      But sense is not baffled by bogies.
+  The Emerald Green and the "bowls" and the "jack,"
+  Are beautiful--but for that bend in the back--
+      To those the young furies call "fogies."
+
+  You have not to "sprint" o'er some acres of grass,
+  To "slog" or to scamper, to "scrummage" or "pass,"
+      At the risk of your ribs, or "rheumatics";
+  You have not to treat your opponents like foes,
+  Or "go for" your rival's shin-bone or his nose,
+      As do the aforesaid fanatics.
+
+  But how pleasant the "green" in the cool of the day,
+  The tankard of stingo, the yard of white clay,
+      And the play and the chaff of good fellows!
+  Although not a betting man howls out the odds,
+  And no ring of mad backers--like gallery "gods"---
+      About us insensately bellows.
+
+  Yes, PAYN, the "crank in," and the "kiss of the Jack,"
+  _All_--save, as you say, that darned bend in the back--
+      About the old game is delightful.
+  We thank you for "trolling the bowl" once again,
+  Ah! it were a pleasure to play it with PAYN--
+      (By Jove, though--that loin-twinge was frightful!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A THEATRICAL PLUNGE; OR, TAKING A HEDDA.
+
+A plunge indeed! but fortunately the swimmers are strong, and able
+to save the suicidal Ibsenites. For my part,--that is, as one of the
+audience drawn by curiosity,--I should say that were it not for the
+excellent acting of all concerned in the piece, and especially of Miss
+ELIZABETH ROBINS as the Hanwellian heroine, IBSEN's _Hedda Gabler_
+would scarcely have been allowed a second night's existence at the
+Vaudeville. Miss ROBINS is so much in earnest--as a true artist should
+be--that she excites your curiosity to discover what on earth she is
+taking all this trouble about; and thus she compels your attention.
+That the result is eminently unsatisfactory is no fault of hers.
+The piece itself is stuff and nonsense; poor stuff and "pernicious
+nonsense." It is as if the author had studied the weakest of the
+Robertsonian Comedies, and had thought he could do something like it
+in a tragic vein.
+
+[Illustration: A Powerful Cast.]
+
+In the last Act there is a situation reminding us strongly of one
+short scene in _Caste; there_--so delicately and touchingly treated by
+its author; _here_--so repulsively treated by IBSEN. Let it be reduced
+to serious burlesque, and let us have it played by PENLEY as _George
+Tesman_, ARTHUR ROBERTS (with a song) as _Judge Brack_, WEEDON
+GROSSMITH as _Ejlbert Lövborg_, Miss LOTTIE VENNE as _Mrs. Hedda
+Tesman_, Mrs. JOHN WOOD as _Aunt Juliana_, and Miss JESSIE BOND (with
+song and dance) as _Mrs. Elvsted_. It is announced in the bill as
+"IBSEN's Last Play." There's a crumb of comfort in this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+OATMEAL PORRIDGE.--Would some Scotch housewife kindly enlighten me
+as to the proper mode of preparing the above delicacy? I fancy there
+must be some mistake about the method I have hitherto adopted. Is it
+_really_ necessary to "boil for forty-eight hours, and then mix with
+equal quantities of gin, Guinness's Stout, Gum Arabic, and Epsom
+Salts?" I have followed this recipe (given me by a young friend, who
+says he has often been in Scotland) faithfully, but the result is not
+wholly satisfactory. I doubt whether genuine porridge should be of the
+consistency of a brick-bat, or taste of hair-oil.--UNDAUNTED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.
+
+_Fair Parishioner_. "AND DO YOU LIKE THE PULPIT, MR. AURIOL?"
+
+_The New Curate_. "I DO NOT. ER--IT HIDES TOO MUCH OF THE FIGURE, AND I
+LIKE EVERY SHAKE OF THE SURPLICE TO TELL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BLOOD" V. "BULLION."
+
+  "Well then, it now appears you need my help.
+  Go to then: you come to me, and you say,
+  'SHYLOCK, we would have moneys'--you say so;
+  You that did void your rheum upon my beard,
+  And foot me, as you spurn a stranger cur
+  Over your threshold: moneys is your suit.
+  What should I say to you? Should I not say
+  'Hath a dog money?'"
+
+_Merchant of Venice_, Act I., Scene 3.
+
+  "With bated breath and whispering humbleness?"
+  Not so! There comes a season when the stress
+  Of insolent and exacting tyranny
+  Makes the most patient turn.
+                              Autocracy,
+  Without the despot's vaunted virtue, pride,
+  Shows small indeed. Can Power lay aside
+  Its swaggering port, and low petition make
+  (Driven by those Treasury thirsts which never slake)
+  For help from those it harries? PHARAOH's scourge
+  Was the taskmaster's weapon, used to urge
+  The Hebrew bondsmen to their tale of toil,
+  But they round whom the Russian's knout thongs coil,
+  Are of the breed of those the Russian palm
+  Can make petition to. Could triumph balm
+  The wounds of ages, here were balm indeed;
+  But blood revolts.
+                    Race of the changeless creed,
+  And ever-shifting sojourn, SHAKSPEARE's type
+  Deep meaning hides, which, when the world is ripe
+  For wider wisdom, when the palsying curse
+  Of prejudice, the canker of the purse,
+  And blind blood-hatred, shall a little lift,
+  Will clearlier shine, like sunburst through a rift
+  In congregated cloud-wracks. _Shylock_ stands
+  Badged with black shame in all the baser lands.
+  Use him, and--spit on him! That's Gentile wont;
+  Make him gold-conduit, and befoul the font,--
+  That's the true despot-plan through all the days,
+  And cackling _Gratianos_ chorus praise.
+  "The Jew shall have all justice." Shall he so?
+  The tyrant drains, his gold, then bids him--"Go!"
+  _Shylock_? The name bears insult in its sound;
+  But _he_ was nobler than the curs who hound
+  The patient Hebrew from his home, and drive
+  Deathward the stronger souls they dread alive.
+  _Shylock_? So brand him, boors and babbling wags,
+  Who scorn him, yet would share his money-bags;
+  Who hate him, yet can stoop to such appeal!
+  Beneath his meekness there's a soul of steel.
+  High-featured, amply-bearded, see he stands
+  Facing the Autocrat; those sinewy hands,
+  Shaped but for clutching--so his slanderers say--
+  The huckster bait can coldly put away
+  "Blood against bullion." The Jew-baiting band
+  Howl frantic execration o'er the land;
+  Malign and menace, pillage, persecute;
+  Though the heart's hot, the mouth must fain be mute.
+  The edict fulminates, the goad pursues;
+  Proscription, deprivation,--ay, they use
+  All the old tortures, nor are then content,
+  But crown the work with ruthless banishment.
+  And then--then the proud Muscovite seeks grace,
+  And gold, from kinsmen of the harried race!
+  "He would have moneys" from the Hebrew hoard,
+  To swell his state, or whet his warlike sword;
+  Perchance buy heavier scourges for the backs
+  Of lesser Hebrews, whom his wolfish packs
+  Of salaried minions hunt.
+                           Take back thine hand,
+  Imperious Autocrat, and understand
+  Gold buys not, rules not, serves not, salves not all.
+  Blood speaks--in favour of the helpless thrall
+  Of tyranny. Here's no tame _Shylock_: he
+  Shall not bend low, and in a bondsman's key,
+  Make o'er his money-bags with unctuous grace
+  To an enthroned enslaver of his race.
+  "Well then, it now appears you need my help".
+  (You--whose trained curs at my poor kinsmen yelp!)
+  "What should I say to you? Should I not say,
+  "Hath a dog money?" Blood's response is--"Nay!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A somewhat curious association of names and ideas occurs in last
+week's _Sporting and Dramatic_, where there is an illustration of some
+ceremony taking place which is described as "The RAINE's Foundation
+May Day Celebration." Odd, that this particular RAINE should always
+fall on the First of May.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BLOOD" _VERSUS_ "BULLION."
+
+"WELL THEN, IT NOW APPEARS YOU NEED MY HELP: YOU THAT DID VOID
+YOUR RHEUM UPON MY BEARD, AND FOOT ME, AS YOU SPURN A STRANGER CUR
+OVER YOUR THRESHOLD; _MONEYS IS YOUR SUIT. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO
+YOU?"_--_Merchant of Venice_, Act I., Sc. 3.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO COMPENSATION.
+
+(_AFTER_ KIRKE WHITE.)
+
+"That blessed word--'Compensation.'"
+
+  Come Compensation, come!
+    Not in thy terrors clad,
+  But in thy fairest, gentlest guise,
+  Thy "blessed" name but terrifies
+    The "Templar" and the "Rad."
+
+  Thou must not come as "Right,"
+    That is--alas!--"too steep."
+  The Law has put its foot hard down,
+  And "BUNG," so far, is quite done brown;
+    It makes the "Witler" weep!
+
+  No "Vested Interest,"
+    Whereon to found a claim?
+  And after all that we have done
+  To keep the Tories in the run!
+    It is a thundering shame!
+
+  We deemed Sir EDWARD CLARKE
+    Knew what he was about;
+  We thought good GOSCHEN, sharp and slick,
+  Had "gently, gently done the trick,"
+    We have been sold, no doubt.
+
+  But FORREST FULTON comes,--
+   Sharp fellow that F.F.!
+  And in the Commons sneaks a vote
+  Which sticks hard in the "Temperance" throat,--
+    Dull churls, to justice deaf!
+
+  Come, Compensation, come!
+   Come in by the back-door,
+  Come unawares, come _anyhow_,
+  Only _do_ come to smooth the brow
+    Of Wittlers weak and poor.
+
+  GOSCHEN has played us false;
+   It makes our bosom ache.
+  But to abate our indignation
+  If he'll secure us Compensation,
+    'Twill compensation make.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRAINER INFORMS HIS LORDSHIP THAT HIS NEW PURCHASE
+"WILL TAKE A LOT OF BEATING,"]
+
+[Illustration: AND--SO HE DID!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT EARL'S COURT.
+
+_First Citizen._ And what did you see at the German Exhibition?
+
+_Second Citizen_. A magnificent collection of German pictures, many
+German manufactures, and several German Bands.
+
+_First C._ Are these the only attractions?
+
+_Second C._ No, there is some cleverly painted canvas representing
+German scenery in the grounds.
+
+_First C._ Anything else?
+
+_/Second C._ I enjoyed the Switchback Railway.
+
+_First C._ I see--anything else?
+
+_Second C._ Well, the Scenes in the Circle added to my enjoyment, but,
+as an enthusiastic admirer of all that is German, I do not consider
+them entirely necessary.
+
+_First C._ Anything further?
+
+_Second C._ There are the lights and the company.
+
+_First C._ But of course these are superfluous?
+
+_Second C._ From a German point of view--entirely so. I consider them
+merely as fringe.
+
+_First C._ Exactly--and, were they not there, you would extend as much
+patronage to the German Exhibition--you would go there as frequently?
+
+_Second C._ Yes--in spirit, if not in person.
+
+_First C._ And if for the German some other foreign element were
+substituted?
+
+_Second C._ No doubt I should be present quite as much in person, but
+_not_ in German spirit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)
+
+[Illustration: No. 475. A Day's Sport in the Olden Times. Ancient
+Mariner regrets that guns are not yet invented, wishes he'd brought a
+Bow and Arrow with him. J. Waterhouse, A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 138. Tootsy Pootsies. "O dear, what is the matter
+with my poor feet!!" Edith Sprague.]
+
+No. 129. "_Love in Winter_." By G.H. BOUGHTON, A. But a poor sort of
+amusement for this nice young lady to be walking out all alone with a
+big muff! eh? Mr. BOUGHTON, eh?
+
+No. 292, _Bar-Maids Resting_. W.R. STEPHENS.
+
+No. 346. "_Moor and Mountain_." By CHARLES STUART. The name CHARLES
+STUART suggests "restoration," but this is a brand new work. It is
+mostly mountain, and very little more.
+
+No. 397. "Miss LYDIA LESLIE at her lessons" may be termed a group of
+One or Little Daughter and Less Sons. G.D. LESLIE, R.A.
+
+No. 410. Two horses in a field during a Snowstorm. Good subject for a
+Tavern sign-board, entitled, "Two Out." EDWARD STOTT.
+
+No. 452. "Mrs. X----," i.e., a lady with a good deal of dash. HUGH DE
+T. GLAZEBROOK.
+
+[Illustration: No. 518. A Practical Joke. "I shall startle 'em if I go
+in suddenly dressed like this." J.C. Horsley, R.A.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 167. Pott Luck; or, the Arch Archdeacon. W.B.
+Richmond, A.]
+
+No. 467. "_Angela Vanbrugh" playing the Fiddle; or, All alone with her
+Beau_. EDWIN LONG, R.A.
+
+No. 558. Lady going out for a row. Odd sort of boat: Wherry Funny. E.
+BLAIR LEIGHTON.
+
+No. 630. "_Iona_." By COLIN HUNTER, A. Buy it, and in _Iona_ you'll
+own a good picture.
+
+No. 664. "_La Cigale_." A sporting subject suggestive of "Got nothing
+on." It is not a portrait of _La Cigale_ at the Lyric. H. RAE.
+
+No. 714. Wind Lads and Wind-Lasses. FRANK DICKSEE, A.
+
+No. 743. "If I had a donkey what wouldn't go.". ALFRED W. STRUTT.
+
+No. 1006. A Little Duck. WILLIAM STRUTT. (Must be seen for title to be
+appreciated.)
+
+No. 1106. Hares Apparent. WILLIAM FOSTER.
+
+No. 1108. _Napoleon leaving the room where Josephine is fainting on
+the floor._ Short title, "Going Nap." LASLETT J. POTT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ABC OF IBSENITY.
+
+  A is the ARCHER who booms in the _World_,
+  B is the Banner of IBSEN unfurled.
+  C the Commotion it makes for the minute,
+  D is the _Doll's House_, and all there is in it.
+  E is the Eagerness shown in the fray,
+  F the Fanatics, who will have their way.
+  G is a Ghost, and oh! there are lots of 'em,
+  H is Heredity, making pot-shots of 'em.
+  I is the Ibsenite so analytic,
+  J is the Jeer of the Philistine critic.
+  K is a _Kroll_, and a Pastor is he,
+  L is a _Lady_, who comes from the Sea.
+  M is the Master, speak soft as you name him,
+  N stands for Norway, so eager to claim him.
+  O his Opponents, who speak out their mind,
+  P stands for _Punch_, where his dramas you'll find.
+  Q is the Question, should _Rosmer_ have wed her?
+  R is _Rebecca_, who took such a header.
+  S is the _Speaker_, which gets quite excited,
+  T is the Temper, it shows uninvited.
+  U the Unquestioning Faith of the some,
+  V is the Vaudeville, where they all come.
+  W stands for the Worshipping Few,
+  X their Xtreme disproportionate view.
+  Y ends Ibsenity, and, as everyone knows,
+  Z brings an alphabet rhyme to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_The Diary of a Pilgrimage_ occupies 175 pages of one of ARROWSMITH's
+three-and-sixpenny books, and no doubt the admirers of its author, Mr.
+JEROME K. JEROME, may possibly not grudge this amount when gauging its
+value by its attractive cover. It is "'ARRY Abroad," that's all. 'ARRY
+Abroad laughs and talks loudly in foreign churches, sneers and jeers
+at everything he does not understand--and this includes the greater
+portion of all he sees and hears--chaffs puzzled officials, and
+everywhere makes himself highly and exceptionally popular. In this
+_Diary_ 'ARRY is occasionally rather amusing when he is endeavouring
+to be either serious or sentimental, or both. 'ARRY serious or 'ARRY
+sentimental, or 'ARRY sentimentally serious and expecting to be taken
+at his own valuation, is of course delightful, only a little of it
+goes a great way, and this Cockney pilgrim goes too far, especially
+when giving us his valuable opinion on the Passion Play. 'ARRY on the
+Passion Play, and the character of JUDAS ISCARIOT! As _Hedda Gabler's_
+husband observes on every possible opportunity--"Fancy _that_!" Only
+once the Baron finds himself in agreement with the travelling 'ARRY,
+and this happens when he says, "I must candidly confess that the
+English-speaking people one meets with on the Continent are, taken as
+a whole, a most disagreeable contingent." Yes, certainly, when they
+are all 'Arries. Set an 'ARRY to catch an 'ARRY, and of course to the
+regular right-down 'ARRY all other 'ARRIES, not 'appnin' to 'ave the
+_h_onour of being 'is own par_tics_, are detestably vulgar cads. The
+remainder of the book, i.e., 131 pages, is padded with essays, a fact
+not mentioned on the outside of the work, which, like charity, covers
+a multitude of sins. Whether this is quite a fair way of stating
+contents, is a question which the Baron supposes both Publishers and
+Author have thoroughly considered.
+
+Don't skip ELLEN TERRY's Memoirs in _The New Review_. Nothing much in
+them, but delightfully chatty and amusing. See _Murray's Magazine_ for
+Mr. GLADSTONE on the _Murray Memoirs_, in the number for the "Murray
+Month of May." When you are routing about for something short and
+amusing, take up the _Cornhill_, and read _A Flash in the Pan_. I
+have commenced, says the Baron, my friend GEORGE MEREDITH's _One of
+the Conquerors_. Now G.M. is an author whose work does not admit of
+the healthy and graceful exercise of skipping. Here the skipper's
+occupation is gone. G.M.'s work should be taken away by the reader far
+from the madding crowd and perused and pondered over. If Ponder's End
+is a tranquil place as the name implies, then to that secluded spot
+betake yourself with your GEORGE MEREDITH, O happy and studious
+reader, and ponder in peace.
+
+Since the time of _Richard Feverel_, which I shall always consider his
+best, "of the very best" as ZERO of the Monte Carlo Bar has it, G.M.
+has developed into a gold-beater of epigrams. What once served him
+as a two-line epigram, is now spread out over a couple of pages. Two
+volumes instead of three would serve his turn far better, or rather
+the public's turn, for his own is a very peculiar one. But to my task,
+says the Baron, give me a slight refresher and a suck at the lemon as
+it were, or a sip of the lemonade, and at him again. _Festina lente_.
+More anon from
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON ENGLISH AND FOREIGN WAITERS.
+
+Well, things is cumming to a pretty pass, things is, when I'm acshally
+told that, as it used to be said formerly, "No Hirish need apply for
+nothing," so now, we are told, that no English Waiters need apply at
+the Royal Nawal Xhibishun unless he bes a German!
+
+[Illustration: "RULE, BRITANNIA, BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES! FOR
+BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES!"
+
+_Robert the Waiter_. "WHAT'S THIS! 'NO ENGLISH NEED APPLY! GERMANS
+ONLY TAKEN'! THIS _IS_ 'BRITONS NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES' WITH A
+WENGEANCE!"]
+
+I never knowed as Jack Tars, and Powder-Munkys, and Admerals (as is so
+fond of Port, that they takes the werry name), was so werry parshal
+to Germans, that they woud sooner go without their dinners and tease,
+than be waited on by any other gennelmen, most suttenly not. "_O
+contrare_," as the French Waiters says. It 'ud be a jolly long time,
+I shood think, before your real British Sailers wood learn to call
+a Waiter a _Gasson_, tho' as it means, I'm told, a Boy, there is sum
+little sense in it, coz there's, in course. Old Boys as well as yung
+ones; but what on airth meaning is there in a Kelner! as I'm acshally
+told all German Waiters insists on being called! Why the thing's too
+absurd to tork about.
+
+Besides the British Publick is used to our little ways, as we are
+quite used to theirn, and they talk to us in that nice confidenshal
+tone about the different wines, et setterer, as no true Born
+Englishman ewer yet spoke to a Frenchman, much less a German. No,
+no, the hole thing's a mistake, as will soon be found out. And what a
+groce injustice to the native article. These sollem-looking Germans,
+not content with pushing our poor sons from their stools in our
+counting-houses, as _Macbeth_ says, must now cum and take the werry
+bread out of their poor Father's mouths. Oh pale-faced shame, where's
+your blush? And think too of their himperance. Why they are acshilly a
+going for to have a hexibition of their own, here in Lundon, and does
+anyone think as they'll write up on the gates, "Only English Waiters
+need apply?" Why the hidear is ridiclous, but where's the difference
+I should like to kno. No, no, no one can kno better than I do, from
+a long and waried xperience, from the Grand old City, the ome of
+ospitality and turtle soup, to the "Grand" and "Metropole," the omes
+of lucksury and refinement, that the British Public likes his British
+Waiter, he likes his nice respecful ways, the helligent Bow with which
+he ands him his At, and the graceful hair with which he receeves his
+little doosure.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. IV.--THE HUSBAND'S OLD SCHOOL-FELLOW.
+
+We will suppose that you are a young wife, and that your husband is
+absent in the City during the greater part of the day. One afternoon a
+card is brought in bearing the inscription:--
+
+CAPTAIN CAULKER.
+
+_United Service Club. The Hermitage, Coventry_.
+
+Which document is followed closely by a tall, well-groomed, rather
+portly and florid stranger, with a military moustache, who greets
+you with the utmost cordiality. "I happened to find myself in
+this neighbourhood," he says, "and I could not--I really could
+_not_--resist this opportunity. My name, I venture to think, is a
+sufficient introduction?"
+
+It is nothing of the sort--but you are too shy and too polite to admit
+it, so you merely murmur some incoherency. He detects you at once.
+"Ah!" he cries, in good-tempered reproach; "I see, I've been too
+sanguine. Now confess, my dear lady, you haven't a _notion_ who I am!"
+
+Thus brought to bay, you own that you have no clue to your visitor's
+identity--as yet. "Well--well," he says, tolerantly, "Time is a
+terrible sponge--though I had hoped that, even after all these years,
+your dear husband might have occasionally mentioned the name of his
+old school-chum! I've never forgotten _him_--no, all through the years
+I've been in India I've never forgotten dear old WALTER!"
+
+"But my husband's name is _WILLIAM_!" you say here.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"He was always WALTER to _me_, Madam, or rather--WATTY. He was so
+like a favourite young brother of mine, who died young. That drew
+us together from the first. Did dear old WATTY never tell you how
+he saved my life once?... No? So like him!--he wouldn't. But he did,
+though; yes, by Gad, jumped into fifteen foot of water after me, and
+kept me up when I was going under for the last time. Pardon me, but I
+see a photograph upon your writing-table--surely, unless I am wrong,
+that--"
+
+"That is a portrait of my only brother," you will say; "he is out in
+India with his regiment--perhaps you may have met him there?"
+
+"Thought I knew the face--met him at Simla, several times," says the
+Captain; "wonderful how small the world is! But have you one of old
+WATTY's photos? I should so like to see whether the dear old chap has
+altered ... Ah, I should hardly have known him--and yet, yes, the same
+cheery, jolly look, I can trace the boy there, I can see my old WATTY
+again! No friends, my dear Mrs. GOSLING, like those we make in early
+youth! And he never mentions me now? Ah! well, he has a very charming
+excuse for forgetting the past--though I shall tell him when I see
+him that I do think he might have remembered his old school-friend
+a little better than he seems to have done. Your servant informed me
+that he was seldom at home quite so early as this, but I thought if
+I could not see _him_, I would at least give myself the pleasure of
+making the acquaintance of his wife, so I just ventured to come in for
+five minutes."
+
+"WILLIAM will be so disappointed to have missed you," you say,
+eagerly; "can't you wait and let me give you some tea? He may be back
+in half an hour."
+
+"In half an hour? Well, 'pon my word, you tempt me very much. I
+shouldn't like to go away without seeing him, but I must send away my
+cab first--no, it's not outside, left it at the corner of the road,
+as I wasn't certain of the number--I s'pose I've got enough silver
+to--no, I haven't, by Jove! _Could_ you oblige me by change for
+a--well, really, this is very awkward. I've positively come out with
+only a shilling--thought it was a sovereign! I shall have to ask dear
+old WATTY to accommodate me--I've lent _him_ many a half-crown in
+the old days. Absurd predicament to be in, and if I keep my cabman
+waiting, I don't know what he mayn't charge me. I took him three hours
+ago. I tell you what, my dear Mrs. GOSLING; If you'll advance me a
+sovereign, I could run out and settle with the fellow, and then it
+won't signify _how_ long I wait for WATTY. _Can_ you? Too good of
+you, I'm sure! WATTY will chaff me when he hears I've been borrowing
+like this, ha, ha!" Here your ear, sharpened by affection, catches
+a well-known turn of the latch-key at your front-door. "Why, how
+fortunate!" you exclaim, "here _is_ my husband already, Captain
+CAULKER. He will come in as soon as he has changed his shoes."
+
+"Capital!" cries the Captain. "Look here, Mrs. GOSLING,--I've just
+thought of a little joke. I want to see if he'll _know_ me. Now you go
+and talk to him a little, and--presently, you know--say there's a man
+in the drawing-room, who's come to wind the clocks, and then I'll come
+in to where you are, and make believe to wind the clock there--do you
+see? I'd bet anything he won't spot me at first!"
+
+You are young enough to be delighted at the idea of such a pretty
+little comedy, and you trip away to the study, and archly keep
+dear WILLIAM in conversation until the Captain is ready to make
+his appearance. At last, a little impatiently, you give the cue by
+mentioning that there is a clock-winder in the drawing-room. WILLIAM
+is amusingly suspicious, and insists on seeing the man. As the
+scene will be just as funny in the drawing-room, you accompany him
+thither--but there is no gallant Captain there affecting to wind
+your charming little Sèvres clock (a wedding present)--he has gone,
+and--alas! without leaving a timepiece for anybody else to wind. And
+WILLIAM is _most_ disagreeable and unpleasant about it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES FROM A NURSERY-GARDEN.
+
+(_BY AN AWFULLY CLEVER CHILD_.)
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I am a Poetess. I am told that the Age is old, and
+that Poetry is over. _My_ age is ten, and my poetry is certainly not
+over. My nurse (one of those horrid critics) has ventured to suggest
+that I am not original. I leave you to judge. Yours impatiently,
+ENFANT TERRIBLE.
+
+N.W.
+
+  Alack! up Northern Primrose Hill
+    (_Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, GILL!_)
+  They climbed, and deemed it Helicon,
+  Those childish bards, GILLETTE and JOHN,
+    Their pails with Hippocrene to fill.
+    (_Sing, oh, JACK! sing, ah, GILL!_)
+
+  Adown that Western Hill, alack!
+    (_Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, JACK!_)
+  Or e'er they gained the Muses' well,
+  JACK kicked his bucket frail and, fell.
+    And GILL was brought upon her back.
+    (_Sing, ah, GILL! sing, oh, JACK!_)
+
+TO A SCENTY PEDE.
+
+  How doth yonder miniature featness,
+    Though wingless, with gossamer wit,
+  Foregather mellifluent sweetness,
+    While Fates unrelenting permit--
+  Wise heir of bright hours, completeness
+    Of blossoms that flicker and flit.
+
+ON A JAPANESE SCREEN.
+
+  In Yeddo, where long lilies weep, Bo' Peep
+  The shepherdess hath lost her sheep.
+  She recks not where the sheep have strayed, Poor maid,
+  Beneath the Boodha-Temple's shade.
+
+  Her solace is the Minstrel's: _I'd_ Let slide
+  My flocks of verse without a guide.
+  So will they best return without A doubt--
+  Or tale that mortal can make out.
+
+MISS MUFFET.
+
+            So sweet!
+  Child-Innocence, with upward-curling feet
+            On buffet-seat,
+  Resolving (as we all resolve) to eat.
+            So sad!
+  The ravening Spider from his eyrie mad
+            Swoops, boldly bad,
+  And scares (as spiders scare) the Pure and Glad.
+
+ON A KLEPTOMANIAC.
+
+  Ah, Violin Cremonian!
+  Ah, Pussy-cat of Ispahan!
+    Moo-cow that dost outmoon the moon!
+  Yes, dainty poodle, laugh away,
+  And mock the pranks poor mortals play
+    Who spoon the dish and dish the spoon!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE QUEEN OF MAYS.
+
+  Give me an elfin, frolic MAY,
+    No Queen with hoarse cadenzas,
+  Who pipes a frozen roundelay
+    Of spiteful influenzas.
+
+  _My_ MAY shall air no voices crude.
+    No chained and chilly dances--
+  With wordless harmonies endued
+    And pirouetting fancies.
+
+  She'll draw us round no Northern Poles
+    With crowns of mimic roses.
+  That mock our sad sepulchral souls
+    And counterfeit our noses.
+
+  But white as hawthorn blossom, free
+    As air to shed her pleasures,
+  _My_ mute, melodious MAY shall be
+    The soul of wayward measures.
+
+  To put it plainly, while the ban
+    Of Spring on us and gales is,
+  I'll bask and smile and worship JEANNE
+    Within the Prince of Wales's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSERVATIVE COMMENT ON A RECENT ELECTION (_after Mr.
+Middlewick_).--"Humph! Inferior Dosset!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 16, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13348 ***