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diff --git a/13323-0.txt b/13323-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31a5fee --- /dev/null +++ b/13323-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1302 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13323 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +April 18, 1891. + + + + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +[CONTINUED.] + +_March 13_.--Left Billsbury this morning by nine o'clock train, and +came back to London. Brought with me the _Billsbury Standard_, and +the _Billsbury Meteor_ (the Radical paper.) Both have accounts of last +night's meeting. Rather different, though. + + _BILLSBURY STANDARD_. + + The era of indecision is past. In another column we give a + full account of the important meeting of the Council of the + Conservative Association, which was held last night for the + purpose of selecting a Conservative Candidate for Billsbury. + The proceedings were enthusiastic and unanimous ... Mr. + RICHARD B. PATTLE, the selected Conservative Candidate, is + a young man of the highest promise. He had a distinguished + career at Oxford, where he obtained honours in History, and + represented his College in the Torpid races for eight-oared + crews. Since then he has been called to the Bar, where he + has already secured a lucrative practice.... His speech last + night had the right ring about it. It was eloquent, practical, + convincing, modest and decided, thoroughly in harmony with the + best traditions of the Conservative party, and remarkable for + the proof it afforded of the devotion of Conservatives at all + times to the highest interests of the working classes. We have + no hesitation in declaring, as Colonel CHORKLE did last night, + that with such a Candidate to oppose him, the fate of Sir + THOMAS CHUBSON may be considered as already decided. If only + all Conservatives will put their shoulders to the wheel and + work hard, the stigma under which Billsbury now labours will + be swept away. A Mass Meeting of Conservative electors will be + held on an early date to ratify the decision of the Council, + and inaugurate the period of hard work throughout the + constituency. + + _BILLSBURY METEOR_. + + Last night the Conservatives gave their annual performance of + the good old farce entitled, _Choosing a Candidate; or, Who's + got the Money-bags?_ We are glad to be able to congratulate + this distinguished body of amateurs on the modest success + which attended their efforts. Most of the performers are + well-known to the Billsbury public. Alderman TOLLAND, as the + heavy father, provoked screams of laughter by the studied + pomposity of his manner. His unctuous rendering of the + catch-phrase, "Constitutional Progress," has lost none of its + old force. Mr. CHORKLE was, perhaps, not so successful as + we have sometimes seen him in his representation of a real + Colonel, but the scene in which he attacked and routed + LINDLEY MURRAY, went extremely well. Mr. JERRAM as a singing + journalist, was admirable. We cannot help wondering why so + remarkable an actor should confine himself to the provincial + stage. We had almost forgotten to mention that the part of + _The Candidate_ was, on this occasion, assigned to a Mr. + RICHARD PATTLE, a complete novice, whose evident nervousness + seriously imperilled the success of the piece. He had omitted + to learn his part adequately, and the famous soliloquy, "The + country has need of me," was painfully bungled. Mr. PATTLE has + few qualifications for the ambitious _rôle_ he essayed, and + his friends would be doing an act of true kindness if they + insisted on his withdrawal from a profession for which he is + in no way fitted. The performance will be repeated as usual + next year. + +I suppose the _Meteor_ people think that witty. When I got home, an +awful thing happened. Mother, of course, wanted to see the papers, +so I gave her the _Standard_, with which she was much pleased. She +said it was evident I had made a wonderful impression, and that the +Billsbury Conservatives were particularly sensible people! But, by +some mistake, I left the _Meteor_ lying on the drawing-room table. It +seems that, in the afternoon, that sharp-tongued old hag, Mrs. SPIGOT, +called. She saw the _Meteor_, took it up, and said, "Dear me, is this +something about your son?" Mother, thinking it was the _Standard_, +said, "Oh yes--do read it, Mrs. SPIGOT; it's a wonderfully accurate +account, RICHARD says;" and that old cat read it all through. She then +smiled, and said, "Yes, very flattering indeed." After she had gone, +mother took it up, and, to her horror, found what it was. She was +furious. When I got home in the afternoon, I found her in a state of +what Dr. BAKER calls "extreme nervous excitement," with the _Meteor_ +lying in little scraps all over the drawing-room, just as if a +paper-chase had been through there. She said, "Don't let me ever see +that infamous paper again, DICK. The man who wrote it owes you some +grudge, of course. Such a scoundrel ought to be denounced." I said I +quite agreed with her. Later on, met VULLIAMY at the Club. We spoke +about Billsbury. He asked me, with a sort of chuckle, if I'd seen the +_Star_, and advised me to have a look at it, as there was something +about me in it. This is what I found in the column headed "Mainly +About People":-- + +"Mr. RICHARD PATTLE, who is to be the Conservative Candidate for +Billsbury at the next election, is a young man of twenty-six. At +Oxford he was generally called 'PODGE PATTLE' by his friends He took a +fourth class in History. His oratorical efforts at the Union were not +very striking, but he rowed in his College Torpid, which was bumped +four times. + +"Mr. PATTLE, as maybe inferred from his nickname, is neither tall nor +thin. He is a member of the Middle Temple, but his eloquence has not +yet astonished the Courts of Law. His father died five years ago, +leaving him a considerable fortune, part of which he proposes to waste +in the hopeless attempt to turn out Sir THOMAS CHUBSON." + +Confound the people, I wish they'd mind their own business and leave +me alone! + +_March_ 17.--Haven't been down to Billsbury again yet, but go the day +after to-morrow to speak at a Mass Meeting of Conservative electors. +However, I've had shoals of letters from the place--nearly all of +them asking for subscriptions. The Five Bars Cricket Club, the Lilies +Cricket Club, the Buffaloes Cricket Club, and the Blue Horse Cricket +Club have all elected me a vice-president, and solicit the honour of +my support. The Billsbury Free Dispensary is much in want of funds, +and the Secretary points out that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON has subscribed £5 +regularly every year. The United Ironmongers' Friendly Society wishes +me to be an Honorary Member. CHUBSON subscribes £2 2s. to them. The +Billsbury Brass Band, and three Quoit Clubs (the game is much played +there) have elected me a member. The Secretary of the former sent me a +printed form, which I was to fill up, stating what instrument I meant +to play, and binding myself to attend at least one Band practice every +week. Three "cases of heartrending distress" have appealed to me, +"knowing the goodness of my heart." I shall have to consult TOLLAND, +or some one, about all this. I get the _Meteor_ and the _Standard_ +every day. The former goes on chaffing. Don't think JERRAM, in the +_Standard_, writes as smartly as the other chaps. Must try to get +him stirred up a bit. Just received letter from TOLLAND, saying he +wants to talk to me before meeting about "matters connected with +the Registration." More money, I suppose. Romeike, and all kinds of +Press-Cutting Associations, keep on sending me that extract from the +_Star_, till I'm fairly sick of it. They all want me to subscribe for +Press-Cuttings. See them blowed first. + + * * * * * + +WHAT IT MAY COME TO! + + SCENE--_The Central Criminal Court. The usual Company + assembled, and the place wearing its customary aspect. + "Standing room only" everywhere, except in the Jury Box, which + is empty. Prisoner at the Bar_. + +[Illustration] + +_Judge_. This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the Jury +to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and, I may even add, the +prisoner, is wasted! I really don't know what to do! Mr. TWENTYBOB, I +think you appear for the accused? + +_Counsel for the Defence_. Yes, my Lord. + +_Judge_ (_with some hesitation_). Well, I do not for a moment presume +to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious +difficulty if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully +considered his case, and think it advisable that he should not +withdraw his plea? + +_Counsel for the Defence_. No, my Lord, I certainly cannot advise him +to throw up his defence. It is a serious--a deeply serious--matter for +him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence +before an intelligent jury. + +_Judge_. But we can't get a jury--intelligent or otherwise. + +_Counsel for the Defence_. If no evidence is offered, my client should +be discharged. + +_Counsel for the Prosecution_. I beg pardon, but I must set my friend +right. Evidence _is_ offered in support of the charge, my Lord. + +_Judge_. Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive +and decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the Grand Jury (to +whom I had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our +unfortunate position) have ignored a larger number of bills than +usual; still the present case is before the Court, and I must dispose +of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. PERPLEBAGGE? + +_Counsel for the Prosecution_ (_smiling_). I am afraid not, my Lord. + +_Judge_. Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the +Prisoner to be taken back to-- + +_Prisoner_. To the place I was in last night? No, thankee!--not me! +Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don't we? Well, just to +oblige you--as Darmoor ain't 'alf bad in the summer, and as in course +I _did_ do it--I plead guilty! + +_Judge_ (_with a sigh of relief_). Prisoner at the Bar, we are +infinitely beholden to you! [_Passes regulation sentence with grateful +courtesy._ + + * * * * * + +THE INVECTIVE OF H-RC-RT. + +(_A FRAGMENT IN HEXAMETERS, NOT BY GEORGE MEREDITH._) + +[Illustration] + + Heigh me! brazen of front, thou glutton for Ground Game, how can one, + Servant here to thy mandates heed thee among the Tories? + Surely thy mission is fudge, oh, DAWNAY, Conservative Colonel! + I, Sir, hither I fared on account of the cant-armed Sportsmen, + Pledged to the combat; they unto me have in no wise a harm done, + Never have they, of a truth, come putting my Hares and my Rabbits, + Never in deep-soiled Hampshire, the nurser of heroes and H-RC-RTS, + Ravaged; but if I found them among my trampled Carnations, + Hares or Rabbits, or gun-bearing Tories, by Jingo, I'd pot 'em! + O hugely shameless! Thee shall we follow to do an injustice + Unto the farmers, seeing the Hares a-munching their crops up? + I do not sit at the feet of the blatant Bordesley Gamaliel, + Or of the unregenerate Agricultural Minister. + Close time? Fudge! The Hares were _intended_ at last to perish + Either by sounding gun or the gaping jaws of the greyhound. + Food for the people? Cant! The promotion of Sport is the purpose + Plain of this pestilent Bill, which neutralises the victory + Won, with much labour, by Me, my gift to the sons of the furrow. + DAWNAY talks as though the Hare were a "domiciled animal." + Shows what a deal _he_ knows of Hares--save the pleasure of killing 'em. + Shall I give the nourishing farmers up to this pillage? + Nay, sure mine were the hands did most in the storm of the combat, + Ay, and when peradventure we share the booty amongst us, + After the General Election, the Tories may find--but no matter-r-r! + Surely a time will come,--not a "close time" that for the Tories,-- + I being outraged, _then_ will give them particular pepper! + + * * * * * + +HEARTHILY WELCOME. + +1900 (_Somewhere about_).--Introduction into London of new Patent +Smokeless Fuel, as experimentally exhibited in 1891 before the Prince +of WALES and Empress FREDERICK in York Road, King's Cross. A few +public-spirited householders insist on their cooks using it in the +kitchen. Cooks of public-spirited householders unanimously give +warning. No quotation of Fuel Company's shares on Stock Exchange. + +1900 (_Later_).--Very reforming Parliament just returned. Use of new +Fuel made compulsory. Fuel shares go up from a nominal 2s. 6d. a share +to £437 6s. 8d. at a bound. + +1901.--London already much cleaner. Only two fogs (white) in whole +of last winter. Consequent intense surprise of old residents, cabmen, +link-boys, porters, and pickpockets. + +1902.--Retirement of several individuals, who declare they "liked the +good old London fogs," to Black Country. Statue in Parian marble of +inventor of new Fuel blocks erected on Thames Embankment. + +1904.--Government buys up patent rights of Company, at ruinous +sacrifice. A Minister of Chimneyculture appointed, with Cabinet rank. +Blocks reduced in price, and sold at all Post Offices across the +counter. Postal messengers, on receipt of telephonic orders, bring +truckfuls to any address within ten minutes. + +1905.--Green veils come into general use this summer, to keep off +glare from white stone houses and other buildings in West-End of +London. Several cases of partial loss of sight from extreme whiteness +of dome of St. Paul's. Dean ordered (by County Council) to have dome +lamp-blacked. Dean declines. Vote of thanks to him from resident staff +of Ophthalmic Hospital. + +1906.--Owing to surprising and overpowering health of inhabitants +(caused by total absence of smoke and fogs), County Council +establishes Gymnasia, Rowing Matches, and free public Pugilistic +Contests, in order to work off surplus muscular energies of +population. + +1907.--Emigration of 2000 Doctors (who have no work to do) to one of +General BOOTH's Colonies at South Pole. Show (in Temple Gardens) of +delicate ferns and roses grown in atmosphere of Strand. + +1908.--Strike of Whitewashers, Laundresses, and House Painters, +against lack of employment. Go about singing, "Oh, call the Fog-Fiend +back to us!" with refrain, "Oh, when the Fogs were here with us, Would +we had used them more!" + +1909.--Last surviving Chimney-sweeper, provided with a well-ventilated +chamber at Madame Tussaud's. Special charge of sixpence for adults, +threepence for children, made for privilege of seeing him. + +1910.--Rest of inhabitants of England, as well as foreign invalids, +flock to London because of noted purity and salubrity of its climate. +Riviera deserted. London a little over-crowded, but very clean. + + * * * * * + +THREE ACRES AND AN EGG. + +The following pleasing announcement appears in the advertisement +columns of the _East of Fife Record_.-- + + WANTED, COTTAGERS and others to HATCH EGGS. Liberal Terms. + Apply, &c. + +We are glad to see the men of Fife thus taking the lead in creating +new openings for the agricultural labourer. Of course the weather will +have much influence upon the success of the new avocation. To sit out +hatching eggs in one of such blizzards as we have had since Christmas +would be exceedingly inconvenient, upon whatever "Liberal terms." +But, given a fair summer day or a quiet autumn evening, there seems +something quite idyllic in the picture of the agricultural labourer +sitting out in his own Three Acres hatching eggs,--probably laid by +the Cow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS. + +"DO YOU EVER SEE BOBBIE BOUNCER NOW?" + +"OH DEAR NO! HE'S _FAR_ TOO GREAT A SWELL! IF ONE PITCHES INTO +ANYTHING HE DOES, HE CUTS UP ROUGH, IF YOU PLEASE, AND GIVES ONE THE +COLD SHOULDER! THOSE VERY SUCCESSFUL FELLOWS ALWAYS DO!" + +"AND BILL JAKES?" + +"POOR OLD STICK-IN-THE-MUD! HAD TO DROP HIM! DOOCID SIGHT TOO FOND OF +TELLING ONE THE PLAIN TRUTH ABOUT ONESELF, WHEN ONE'S NOT INCLINED FOR +IT, YOU KNOW! ALWAYS THE WAY WITH THOSE FELLOWS WHO DON'T GET ON!"] + + + * * * * * + +THE FRIEND OF LABOUR. + + How doth the provident M.P. + Improve each shining hour, + And in the "Labour Question" see + Hopes of return to power! + + How skilfully he shapes his "sell," + How neatly spreads his "fakes"! + On Labour's ear they sound right well, + The promises he makes. + + Skilled Labour, Labour without skill, + He would have busy, too; + Nay, he would find some Labour still + For idle "hands" to do. + + Yet, Labour, whatsoe'er he say, + To trust him be not fast; + Or you'll discover, some fine day, + He'll diddle you at last! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--COMBUSTIBLES.--I have five hundred barrels of Kerosene +Oil, and three hundred of Paraffin, stored in a large room in the +basement of my premises. Upstairs, on the top floor, there are about +two hundred assistants at work. I now want to use part of the same +room for the manufacture of fireworks. The place I don't think is too +dark, as I have it constantly lighted by naked gas-jets. Would there +be any need to take out a licence? The surrounding property, although +very crowded, is only of a poor description.--INSURED. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. II.--NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT). + +ACT III. + +_The same Room--except that the sofa has been slightly moved, and one +of the Japanese cotton-wool frogs has fallen into the fireplace. +Mrs. LINDEN sits and reads a book--but without understanding a single +line._ + +_Mrs. Linden_ (_laying down book, as a light tread is heard outside_). +Here he is at last! (_KROGSTAD comes in, and stands in the doorway._) +Mr. KROGSTAD, I have given you a secret _rendezvous_ in this room, +because it belongs to my employer, Mr. HELMER, who has lately +discharged you. The etiquette of Norway permits these slight freedoms +on the part of a female Cashier. + +_Krogs._ It does. Are we alone? (_NORA is heard overhead dancing the +Tarantella._) Yes, I hear Mrs. HELMER's fairy footfall above. She +dances the Tarantella now--by-and-by she will dance to another tune! +(_Changing his tone._) I don't exactly know why you should wish to +have this interview--after jilting me as you did, long ago, though? + +_Mrs. L._ Don't you? _I_ do. I am a widow--a Norwegian widow. And +it has occurred to me that there may be a nobler side to your nature +somewhere--though you have not precisely the best of reputations. + +[Illustration: "Oh, you prillil squillikins!"] + +_Krogs._ Right. I am a forger, and a money-lender; I am on the staff +of the Norwegian _Punch_--a most scurrilous paper. More, I have been +blackmailing Mrs. HELMER by trading on her fears like a low cowardly +cur. But, in spite of all that--(_clasping his hands_)--there are the +makings of a fine man about me _yet_, CHRISTINA! + +_Mrs. L._ I believe you--at least, I'll chance it. I want some one to +care for, and I'll marry you. + +_Krogs._ (_suspiciously_). On condition, I suppose, that I suppress +the letter denouncing Mrs. HELMER? + +_Mrs. L._ How can you think so? I am her dearest friend: but I can +still see her faults, and it is my firm opinion that a sharp lesson +will do her all the good in the world. She is _much_ too comfortable. +So leave the letter in the box, and come home with me. + +_Krogs._ I am wildly happy! Engaged to the female Cashier of the +Manager who has discharged me, our future is bright and secure! + + [_He goes out; and Mrs. LINDEN sets the furniture straight; + presently a noise is heard outside, and HELMER enters, + dragging_ NORA in. She is in fancy dress, and he in an open + black domino._ + +_Nora_. I shan't! It's too early to come away from such a nice party. +I _won't_ go to bed! [_She whimpers._ + +_Helmer_ (_tenderly_). There'sh a naughty lil' larkie for you, Mrs. +LINEN! Poshtively had to drag her 'way! She'sh a capricious lil' +girl--from Capri. 'Scuse me!--'fraid I've been and made a pun. Shan' +'cur again! Shplendid champagne the Consul gave us--'counts for it! +(_Sits down, smiling._) Do you _knit_, Mrs. COTTON?... You shouldn't. +Never knit. 'Broider. (_Nodding to her, solemnly._) 'Member that. +Alwaysh _'broider_. More--(_hiccoughing_)--Oriental! Gobblesh +you!--goo'ni! + +_Mrs. Linden_. I only came in to--to see NORA's costume. Now I've seen +it, I'll go. [_Goes out._ + +_Helmer_. Awful bore that woman--hate boresh! (_Looks at NORA, then +comes nearer._) Oh, you prillil squillikins, I _do_ love you so! +Shomehow, I feel sho lively thishevenin'! + +_Nora_ (_goes to other side of table_). I won't _have_ all that, +TORVALD! + +_Helmer_. Why? ain't you my lil' lark--ain't thish our lil' cage? +Ver-_well_, then. (_A ring._) RANK! confound it all! (_Enter +Dr. RANK._) RANK, dear old boy, you've been (_hiccoughs_) going it +upstairs. Cap'tal champagne, eh? _'Shamed_ of you, RANK! [_He sits +down on sofa, and closes his eyes gently._ + +_Rank_. Did you notice it? (_with pride_). It was almost incredible +the amount I contrived to put away. But I shall suffer for it +to-morrow (_gloomily_). Heredity again! I wish I was dead! I do. + +_Nora_. Don't apologise. TORVALD was just as bad; but he is always so +good-tempered after champagne. + +_Rank_. Ah, well, I just looked in to say that I haven't long to live. +Don't weep for me, Mrs. HELMER, it's chronic--and hereditary too. Here +are my P.P.C. cards. I'm a fading flower. Can you oblige me with a +cigar? + +_Nora_ (_with a suppressed smile_). Certainly. Let me give you a +light? + + [_RANK lights his cigar, after several ineffectual attempts, + and goes out._ + +_Helmer_ (_compassionately_). Poo' old RANK--he'sh very bad +to-ni'! (_Pulls himself together._) But I forgot--Bishness--I mean, +bu-si-ness--mush be 'tended to. I'll go and see if there are any +letters. (_Goes to box._) Hallo! someone's been at the lock with a +hairpin--it's one of _your_ hairpins! [_Holding it out to her._ + +_Nora_ (_quickly_). Not mine--one of BOB's, or IVAR's--they both wear +hairpins! + +_Helmer_ (_turning over letters absently_). You must break them +of it--bad habit! What a lot o' lettersh! _double_ usual quantity. +(_Opens KROGSTAD's._) By Jove! (_Reads it and falls back completely +sobered._) What have you got to say to _this_? + +_Nora_ (_crying aloud._) You shan't save me--let me go! I _won't_ be +saved! + +_Helmer_. Save _you_, indeed! Who's going to save _Me_? You miserable +little criminal. (_Annoyed._) Ugh--ugh! + +_Nora_ (_with hardening expression_). Indeed, TORVALD, your +singing-bird acted for the best! + +_Helmer_. Singing-bird! Your father was a rook--and you take _after_ +him. Heredity again! You have utterly destroyed my happiness. (_Walks +round several times._) Just as I was beginning to get on, too! + +_Nora_. I have--but I will go away and jump into the water. + +_Helmer_. What good will _that_ do me? People will say _I_ had a hand +in this business (_bitterly_). If you _must_ forge, you might at least +put your dates in correctly! But you never _had_ any principle! (_A +ring._) The front-door bell! (_A fat letter is seen to fall into the +box; HELMER takes it, opens it, sees enclosure, and embraces NORA._) +KROGSTAD won't split. See, he returns the forged I.O.U.! Oh, my poor +little lark, _what_ you must have gone through! Come under my wing, +my little scared song-bird.... Eh? you _won't!_ Why, what's the matter +_now_? + +_Nora_ (_with cold calm_). I have wings of my own, thank you, TORVALD, +and I mean to use them! + +_Helmer_. What--leave your pretty cage, and (_pathetically_) the old +cock bird, and the poor little innocent eggs! + +_Nora_. Exactly. Sit down, and we will talk it over first. (_Slowly._) +Has it ever struck you that this is the first time you and I have ever +talked seriously together about serious things? + +_Helmer_. Come, I do like that! How on earth could we talk about +serious things when your mouth was always full of macaroons? + +_Nora_ (_shakes her head_). Ah, TORVALD, the mouth of a mother of a +family should have more solemn things in it than macaroons! I see +that now, too late. No, you have wronged me. So did Papa. Both of +you called me a doll, and a squirrel, and a lark! You might have made +something of me--and instead of that, you went and made too much of +me--oh, you _did_! + +_Helmer_. Well, you didn't seem to object to it, and really I don't +exactly see what it is you _do_ want! + +_Nora_. No more do I--that is what I have got to find out. If I had +been properly educated, I should have known better than to date +poor Papa's signature three days after he died. Now I must educate +_myself_. I have to gain experience, and get clear about religion, and +law, and things, and whether Society is right or I am--and I must go +away and never come back any more till I _am_ educated! + +_Helmer_. Then you may be away some little time? And what's to become +of me and the eggs meanwhile? + +_Nora_. That, TORVALD, is entirely your own affair. I have a higher +duty than that towards you and the eggs. (_Looking solemnly upward._) +I mean my duty towards Myself! + +_Helmer_. And all this because--in a momentary annoyance at finding +myself in the power of a discharged Cashier who calls me "I say +TORVALD," I expressed myself with ultra-Gilbertian frankness! You talk +like a silly child! + +_Nora_. Because my eyes are opened, and I see my position with the +eyes of IBSEN. I must go away at once, and begin to educate myself. + +_Helmer_. May I ask how you are going to set about it? + +_Nora_. Certainly. I shall begin--yes, I shall _begin_ with a course +of the Norwegian theatres. If _that_ doesn't take the frivolity out of +me, I don't really know what _will_! [_She gets her bonnet and ties it +tightly._ + +_Helmer_. Then you are really going? And you'll never think about me +and the eggs any more! Oh, NORA! + +_Nora_. Indeed, I shall, occasionally--as strangers. (_She puts on a +shawl sadly, and fetches her dressing-bag._) If I ever do come back, +the greatest miracle of all will have to happen. Good-bye! [_She goes +out through the hall; the front-door is heard to bang loudly._ + +_Helmer_ (_sinking on a chair_). The room empty? Then she _must_ be +gone! Yes, my little lark has flown! (_The dull sound of an unskilled +latchkey is heard trying the lock; presently the door opens, and Nora, +with a somewhat foolish expression, reappears._) What? back already! +Then you _are_ educated? + +_Nora_ (_puts down dressing-bag_). No, TORVALD, not yet. Only, you +see, I found I had only threepence-halfpenny in my purse, and the +Norwegian theatres are all closed at this hour--and so I thought I +wouldn't leave the cage till to-morrow--after breakfast. + +_Helmer_ (_as if to himself_). The greatest miracle of all _has_ +happened. My little bird is not in the bush _just_ yet! + + [_NORA takes down a showily bound dictionary from the shelf + and begins her education_; HELMER _fetches a bag of macaroons, + sits near her, and tenders one humbly. A pause. NORA + repulses it, proudly. He offers it again. She snatches at + it suddenly, still without looking at him, and nibbles it + thoughtfully as Curtain falls._ + +THE END (_with Mr. Punch's apologies to the Master_). + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XXIV.--THE GIVER OF PARTIES. + +[Illustration] + +It may be that "Party," in the sense of a hospitable entertainment, is +an obsolete word, and that those who speak of "giving a party" prove +themselves, by the mere expression, to be fogeys whom the rushing +stream of London amusements has long since thrown up on the sandy bank +of middle age, there to grow dull and forget that their legs were +ever apt for the waltz, or their digestions able to cope with lobster +mayonnaise at 2 A.M. Yet, though he who thus speaks may not be as +smart as a swell, or as much up to date as a church-parade-goer, the +expression will serve, for it indicates comprehensively enough every +variety of entertainment known to the London Season--the dance, the +dinner, the reception, the music at home, the tea-party, and the +theatre-party, for all these in her benevolence does the Giver of +Parties offer to us, and all these does she find the world of London +eager to accept. Now it would seem, one would imagine, to be the +easiest thing in the world, if only the money be not wanting, to give +a party. A hostess, so someone may say, has but to invite her friends, +to light her rooms, to spread her tables, to set the champagne +flowing, to order an awning, and to hire music and a linkman, and the +thing is done. The result of all this will no doubt be a party--of a +sort, but of a sort far different, however gorgeous it may be, from +the splendid and widely-advertised gatherings which the genuine Giver +of Parties organises. For in the one variety it is just possible that +enjoyment may be one of the main objects sought and attained; in the +latter it is certain that enjoyment, though it is not always absent, +must yield the precedence to social success and promotion in the scale +of Society. These are the objects that the Giver of Parties, as it is +proposed to describe her, has at heart, and to their attainment she +devotes herself with a persistent and all-embracing energy which no +disappointment is capable of daunting. The envy of her friends, the +smiles and the presence of Royalty, may be hers, but there is always +some loftier height to which she must climb before she can say to +herself, "_J'y suis, j'y reste_," and be thankful. + +Her life has known many changes. Her parents were county people of +good descent and position, but of a reduced income, for which they +apparently sought compensation in an increasing family, mostly +daughters. It was necessary that she should marry young, and she +submitted to necessity by accepting the proposal of a man some ten +years her senior, who had already come to be favourably spoken off for +the success of his commercial ventures. It is needless to add that all +her relations took good care to impress upon her mind the fact that +the alliance was an honour to her husband, whose wealth, even though +it might in time rival that of the ROTHSCHILDS, could never make him +fit to be mentioned in the same breath with one who numbered among her +remoter ancestors a Baron, who had fought and bled on many fields for +King CHARLES THE FIRST. However, the marriage took place in spite of +the inequality of rank, and the much-honoured husband bore his wife +with him to London, where for a time the modest comfort of a house in +distant Bayswater satisfied them. Business prospered, and money came +pouring in. The wife, who, it must be said, had undeniable beauty, +excellent manners, and the trick of intuitively adapting herself to +any society, was taken up by a great lady who happened to see her +holding a stall at a large bazaar in which the fashionable world +took some interest. Acting upon the great lady's suggestion, she was +photographed in the becoming Tyrolese peasant's costume which she +wore as a stall-holder, and the photograph was in some mysterious way +engraved in all the illustrated papers of the following week. Her name +was enshrined in paragraphs, she was observed in the Royal Enclosure +at Ascot, she was introduced to a Royal personage who was pleased to +confer upon her the distinction of his smiles, and to mention her to +the select circle of his intimates as "a very pretty, pleasant little +woman." And thus she was started upon the thorny path of ambitious +pleasure. + +It is well known that the sacred fire of fashion burns--or is supposed +to burn--in Belgravia alone. Its warmth drew her irresistibly. +Bayswater became too cold to hold her, and early in the following +year it was announced that a large house in the purlieus of Grosvenor +Square had been purchased by her husband. However, she was content to +climb by degrees, and, in her first season of social brilliancy, she +restricted herself to a small and early dance, and a musical evening. +At the dance, universal admiration was excited by the lavish profusion +of the flowers with which her staircase was adorned, by the excellent +quality of the champagne, and the inexhaustible supply of oysters. +At the musical evening the music was as admirably rendered as it +was completely neglected. And at both parties only those people were +present as to whose social status and absolute "rightness" there could +be no question. Indeed the dancer, whose foot had been trodden upon +at the former, might console herself with the thought that none but +a noble boot had caused her pain; while at the latter the sounds of +heavy breathing, which mingled inharmoniously with Mlle. FALSETTI's +_bravura_, were forgiven, in consideration of the exalted rank of +their producer. Her success seemed now to be assured, and even the +muttered discontent of a neglected husband, who was foolish enough to +prefer comfort to smartness, began to subside. In the following year +her entertainments became even more splendid, and less comfortable. +She took a house at Ascot, and, triumph of triumphs! a scion of +Royalty deigned to accept her hospitality. + +After this, one would have supposed that she might have reposed for +a space. But the penalty of social life is its never-ending necessity +for movement. Jealous rivals abound to dispute a hardly-won supremacy, +and the least sign of faltering may involve extinction. Yet it must +be said that she is kind to her own, even when she is most brilliant. +She brings out a daughter to be the delight of young Guardsmen, and +marries her to a widowed Peer; she furbishes up forgotten relations, +and allows them to shine in the rays of her glory; she is charitable +after the manner of fancy fairs, and the hospitality of her house +becomes proverbial. But, in the midst of all the bustle, the +confusion, and the rattling turmoil of her career, she sometimes sighs +for the undistinguished ease of her life in the pre-Royal days, sighs, +and returns with fresh vigour to the struggle. + +And so the pleasureless days of the pleasure-seeker follow one +another, each with its particular legacy of little strivings, until, +at the last, consolation may come from the thought that there is +at least one place where there are many mansions, but no social +ambitions. + + * * * * * + +NEW PRAYER-BOOK REVISION.--Several alterations will now have to be +made in the marriage service. If it be permissible for the bride to +omit her promise "to obey," as is reported to have been the case at a +wedding last week, why should any undertaking "to love," "to honour," +"to cherish," and so forth remain in the text? With all this left +out, a marriage, which, of course, will no longer be an ecclesiastical +rite, will hardly be a very civil ceremony. In course of time all the +promises will be made either explicitly or implicitly conditional, the +only question being what is the least possible obligation that can be +incurred by both contracting parties at the smallest possible expense. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FIN DE SIÈCLE CHILDREN. + +_He_. "I SAY, HILDA, I _SHOULD_ SO LIKE TO GIVE YOU A KISS!" + +_She_ (_who WILL pick up such strange expressions from the Boys_). +"WOULD YOU, INDEED? 'I LIKE YOUR CHEEK'!" + +_He_. "I'M SURE I SHOULD LIKE _YOURS_!"] + + * * * * * + +NOT CAUGHT YET! + + The Boy and the Bird! And the Bird looks so old;-- + Scarce the species of fowl to be easily "sold,"-- + And the Boy is so young! It seems almost absurd + To suppose that that pinch is to capture that Bird! + + An old form of chase, if the legends run right; + Like that, much akin, of the wild goose in flight. + But salt, just like chaff and the plainly spread net, + Was never regarded as promising yet. + + But now? Well, the Birds of the age, like its Boys, + Its Wives, and its Weather, its Tastes and its Toys, + Have suffered a change, not a sea-change, but one + Which floors half the maxims, and spoils half the fun. + + Simple SIMON? Well, that's not as clear as it looks. + The typical noodles of nursery books + Were podgy and chubby, or lanky and pale, + And--they tried to drop salt on poor dicky-bird's tail! + + A fat boy in tight breeks with a palpable bait + May look a great fool; but I guess we must wait,-- + Before we bemock him as crass and absurd,-- + To see--what effect it will have on the Bird! + + The trial's well timed, and the bait looks "not bad;" + The Boy _may_ "know his book," though he's only a lad. + Birds sometimes fall victims to Boys on the prowl, + And the Voter Bird is _not_ the wariest fowl. + + The Voter Bird shortly must show what he's worth + He may be the stupidest dicky on earth, + Predestinate victim to salt-pinch or net; + But then he may _not_,--and he is "not caught _yet_!" + + * * * * * + +AN AUTOCRAT'S ASPIRATION.--Pan-Slavism for Holy Russia, and +Pan-Slav(e)ism for the rest of Europe. + + * * * * * + +LAND AND BRAIN. + +(_A PAGE FROM A VADE MECUM FOR POLITICAL ECONOMISTS._) + + _Question_. Can you tell me how long an Author has a right to the + profits arising out of his literary labours? + _Answer_. Forty-two years, or the term of his natural life plus + seven years further, whichever may be the longer. + _Q._ And should Lord MONKSWELL's Copyright Bill, which has + been read a First Time in the House of Peers, become law, will not + this right be extended to thirty years after the death of the Author? + _A._ It will, to his great advantage. The same measure contains + other valuable provisions to secure to the Author the just profit of + his brain-work. + _Q._ But will not these advantages be purchased at the price of a + loss to the general good? + _A._ Very likely--the community will suffer for the benefit of the + individual. + _Q._ In like manner a Patentee, who invents a most useful article, + enjoys (for a consideration) a monopoly of its sale, does he not? + _A._ For fourteen years. This enables him to recoup himself for + the thought and labour he has employed in the most useful article's + construction. + _Q._ If Author and Inventor were allowed an absolute monopoly of + the profits arising out of their brain-work, it would be immoral? + _A._ No doubt, as the individuals would benefit at the cost of the + community. + _Q._ Why should a butterman, then, have an absolute right in the + sale of his butter? + _A._ Because butter is butter, and brains are merely brains. + _Q._ And would it not be for the benefit of the community if the + landowner of a freehold were deprived of his rights after a term of + years, and his holding be given to the public? + _A._ Oh dear, no! Land, as RUDYARD KIPLING would say, "is + quite another story!" + + * * * * * + +COUNSEL'S MOTTO (_objected to in the Committee Rooms_).--"Absence +makes the fees grow stronger." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT CAUGHT YET! + +MASTER LONDON-COUNTY-COUNCIL. "IF I CAN ONLY GET NEAR ENOUGH!!!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: "Oh, I mustn't Catch the Speaker's Eye!"] + +The first night of the Mixed Italian Opera Season, 1891. We open +with GLÜCK's _Orféo_, and, in a strong opera-glass, we drink to +DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS, and say, "Here's G-luck t'you!" Nothing can +begin the season better than the appearance of GIULIA and SOFIA +RAVOGLI--specially GIULIA--"There's something 'bout GIULIA So werry +peculia'"--(_Old Song_)--in this short Opera, that is to say, an Opera +which should be short were it not for the "waits" between the Scenes +and Acts, which, as it is in the nature of weights to do, must always +make even the lightest Opera seem heavy. Mlle. GIULIA sang and acted +perfectly. Her rendering of the last song was most pathetic. This +delicious melody the audience would have had over and over again, not +in merry mood, for we are never merry in the hearing of such sweet +music, but in appreciative sympathy with the woes of _Orpheus_ so +sweetly expressed. The lines in _Bombastes_ rise in my memory:-- + + "So ORPHEUS sang of old, or poets lie, + And--" + +On consideration, however, I will _not_ quote the remainder, but will +say simply that we were all charmed. Welcome, at the commencement of +another season, to Mlle. BAUERMEISTER, appearing as _Cupid_. To-morrow +she will be _Dame Marta_! Wonderful! "Time cannot stale her infinite +variety." How is it, O _première danseuse_, my pretty pretty Polly +Hop-kino PALLADINO, Principal Shade among all these Happy but Shady +characters, that thou didst not choose a classic dance in keeping with +the character of the music and of the ideal--I distinctly emphasise +"_ideal_"--surroundings? What oughtest thou to represent in the +Elysian Fields? A Salvationised "Dancing Girl," without bonnet and +tambourine? Nay, not so; but rather the very spirit of classic grace +and elegance, moving rhythmically to melodious measure. In such a +Scene as this ought to be, we want as much idealism as your graceful +art can lend, otherwise we are only among our old friends, "the +ladies and gentlemen of the Chorus"--bless em!--representing most +substantially the "Shades of the Blessed," who appear to be Shades +of every colour. GIULIA RAVOGLI, however, kept us entranced in the +ancient classic land where once we used to wander. "_Vive Lemprière!_" + +[Illustration: Talking about Marguerite behind her Back; or, "'Tails' +out of School."] + +_Second Night_.--_Faust_, with a new _Marguerite_, Gay dog, _Faust_. +How many _Marguerites_ have there been even in my time! Same old +story. _Faust_ not a whit improved by experience--going on just the +same as ever. His new _Marguerite_ does credit to his choice, for +Mlle. EAMES--(isn't she Miss EAMES, and neither Mademoiselle nor +Signora? And doesn't she hail from Columbia?--but no matter)--is a +sweet-looking _Marguerite_, with a voice as true as is her heart to +_Faust_. A genuine _Gretchen_, simple not brilliant. Brilliancy she +leaves to property diamonds, but awakes enthusiasm, by her judicious +acting over the inert body of _Valentine_, when she attempts no sudden +Colwell-Hatchney shriek, always so perilous. Signor PEROTTI looked as +_Faust_ might have done, had he been elected an Alderman of the City +of London and acted up to the character. If DRURIOLANUS had lent him +his Sheriff's chain to wear, Signor PEROTTI would have been perfect, +that is from this point of view. M. MAUREL excellent as _Mephisto_ +in a new suit of clothes. He appears now as "The Gentleman in +Grey"--rather suggestive of his having become a Volunteer, and a +member, of course, of "the Devil's Own." Imagine _Mephistopheles_ +re-dressed at last! On both nights Signor MANCINELLI, the Conductor, +seemed pleased, and that's something. + +[Illustration: The New Faust, a mixture of Henry the Eighth and +Colonel N----th.] + +Great feature in Covent Garden this year is the decoration of the +Pit-tier Lobby. DRURIOLANUS, feeling happy at the Opera prospects, and +rejoicing in a full subscription, said to the Committee, "Gentlemen, +let's have 'glasses round'!" Some officious person, hearing this, +mistook the meaning of the great Chief, and straightway ran off and +ordered _looking-glasses all round for the Lobby!_ Grand effect! +brilliant! dazzling!--too much so, in fact; several glasses too +much. So, after a couple of nights' reflection, when the _habitués_ +came on Thursday, behold, two or three of the aristocratic mirrors +or Peer-glasses had disappeared, the hat-pegs of former times had +been restored, the wounded susceptibilities of the Stall-keepers +whose occupation was partly gone, were healed, and where gloom was +spreading, wreathed smiles once more prevailed. Even now these +Opera-glasses are rather too powerful. Still, "let us see ourselves +as others see us," is a good practical motto for the loiterer in the +lobby, as he catches sight of himself, _en passant_, and wonders who +that chap is, whose face he has seen somewhere before, but whose name +he can't for the life of him recollect. + +_Thursday_.--_Carmen_. Disappointed with JULIA RAVOGLI in this, though +there are some fine bits of acting in it. Didn't care much about +Sister SOFIA as _Mickie the Maiden_, M. LUBERT's _Don José_ good but +not great; and M. CELLI, who, in default of M. DEVOYOD's not being +able to appear, took the part of _Escamillo_, was great, but not very +good. He was, however, well supported by Signor RANDEGGER and the +Orchestra, and considering the difficulties he had to struggle with, +including an apology in the bills, he came out of it safely. + +_Saturday_.--Re-appearance of the great DE RESZKE Brothers, JOHN and +NED (what's JOHN without an 'ed?) in _Lohengrin_. Admirable. JULIA +RAVOGLI excellent as _Ortruda_, and M. MAUREL equally so as _Freddy_. +But why did he "feather his skull," like the Jolly Young Waterman, in +so remarkable a style? However, his _Freddy_ is a feather in his cap +with which he ought to be satisfied. Miss EAMES as _Elsa_ even better +than as _Marguerite_. Crammed house. "Friends in front" more than +satisfied. Good start. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +THE EARLY GREEN PEA. + + Oh, the early green pea! the early green pea! + Is the dish of all dishes to set before me! + You may tell me of salmon caught fresh from the Tay, + The beauties of plump white spring chicken display, + The strawberry ripened three months before date-- + All these and much else you may set on my plate! + But of them, no not one, stirs such rapture in me + As the sweet, mellow taste of the Early Green Pea! + + Oh, the early green pea, the pea of my taste, + Must be gently assisted, not forced in hot haste, + Lest the flavour it yield prove delusive and flat, + In no way suggesting the young Marrowfat! + But if it do this, oh what more could I wish, + Than to see a young duckling form part of the dish! + So with such a banquet spread out before me, + Can you ask why I worship the Early Green Pea! + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM.--As a tribute expressive of the high estimation in which +the late Mr. P.T. BARNUM was held in England, why not endow a "Barnum +Exhibition" at one of the Colleges of either University? We have +"Smith's Prizeman," why not "Barnum Exhibitioner"? + + * * * * * + +"THE PRODIGY SON."--The three-act pantomime play at the Prince of +Wales's has "caught on," as we predicted it would. Manager SEDGER +thinks of temporarily adopting as his motto for this theatre, "Speech +is silvern, silence is golden." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RAIKES' PROGRESS.] + + * * * * * + +SWORD VERSUS LANCET! + +(_AN INCIDENT IN THE NEXT WAR._) + +"Now," said the Surgeon-Field-Marshal-Commanding-in-Chief, as he +stood before his men; "I have the greatest confidence in your skill. +There is not one of you present who cannot perform an operation as +successfully as myself;" here there was a murmur of polite denial +in the ranks. "Nay, it is no flattery--I mean it. These are my last +instructions. We are few, the enemy are many. We are not only soldiers +but medical men. And as medical men it is our business to cure the +wounds that we inflict in our more strictly military capacity." + +Again there was a murmur--this time of cordial approval. + +"Well, Gentlemen, as we have been taught in our drill, what the first +rank breaks, the rear rank must bandage up. This would be all very +well if our numbers were told by thousands, or even hundreds, instead +of tens. But to-day we must use the bayonet rather than the lancet, +the bullet in preference to the pill." Stealthy applause followed this +observation. "But be careful. Common humanity calls upon us to do as +little damage as possible. You know your anatomy sufficiently well to +avoid inflicting a wound upon a vital part, and can so arrange that +your blows shall incapacitate rather than functionally derange. And +now, my friends, put your instrument-boxes and pharmacopoeias in your +haversacks, and draw your swords. All ready? Yes! Then, 'Up, Guards, +and at them!'" + +With a wild cheer the Royal Regiment of Physicians and Surgeons (which +had recently been admitted into the Service on the footing of the +Royal Engineers) rushed forward. It was a beautiful sight to see +them performing the most delicate operations in the kindest manner +imaginable. The enemy trembled, wavered, and fled. In a moment the +Royal Regiment had put up their swords and taken out their medical +appliances. Their military duties done, and they were doctors once +again, ready to help those who demanded their semi-civilian services. +They had scarcely been engaged in this manner ten minutes when the +Surgeon-Field-Marshal-Commanding-in-Chief cantered up to them. "Men," +he cried, "drop your surgical instruments, and draw your swords. The +enemy are again upon us! We must take their fort!" + +In a moment the Royal Regiment was on the march. On their way, some of +their comrades, wounded by the foe (in a bungling fashion), appealed +to them for succour. + +"Very Sorry," replied the Surgeon-Field-Marshal-Commanding-in-Chief, +in a tone of commiseration; "very sorry indeed, but we can't attend to +you. At this moment we are acting in our strictly military capacity!" +And the Royal Regiment of Physicians and Surgeons, full of enthusiasm +(but in rather loose formation) continued their march to the fort. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Night Mare.] + +_Tourmalin's Time Cheques_, drawn on the bank of eccentric imagination +by ANSTEY-GUTHRIE, is well worthy of the author of _Vice Versâ_. The +construction of the story is as artful as it is artistic, but the +Baron cannot give his reason for this opinion without jeopardising +the reader's pleasure. Still the Baron feels pretty certain that when +the much-amused and greatly-chuckling but diligent and conscientious +peruser of this light-hearted romance arrives at the last few pages, +he will frown, rub his eyes, refer back to the very commencement of +the story,--and then? Will he bless ANSTEY and blow GUTHRIE, or bless +GUTHRIE and blow ANSTEY, or will he, being more tickled than ever, +rush off to recommend it at once to his best friends, anticipating +renewed delight from their pleasure and perplexity? The Baron +wishes that ANSTEY and GUTHRIE had settled between them to call it +_Tourmalin's Time Bargains_; but it is very likely that if ANSTEY +suggested it, GUTHRIE rejected it, or, if the Baron may be permitted +to say so without infringement of copyright, "_vice versâ_." It +is a great satisfaction to know that unlike the ERCKMANN-CHATRIAN +collaboration, the ANSTEY-GUTHRIE partnership cannot be dissolved. +JEKYL-AND-HYDE can cease to be, and JEKYL may alone survive; but the +Baron rejoices in the fact of the mysterious bond between ANSTEY +and GUTHRIE being indissoluble. Read _Tourmalin's Time Cheques_, and +remember the prognostications of THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SWEEPING REFORM. + +_Crossing Sweeper_. "WOT'S THIS HERE? WOT! DO AWAY WITH THE +'CLEAN-YOUR-DOOR-STEP' HAMATOOR, AND MAKE IT A PAID PURFESSION!! WHY, +S'HELP ME, THEY'LL BE DOIN' AWAY WITH ME AND MY BROOM NEX', AND P'RAPS +'AVE THE CROSSIN'S SWEP' BY MASHEENERY! YAH!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FBOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 6._--School reopened after Easter +Holidays. OLD MORALITY duly in his place, but not many of the boys. +Civil Service Estimates on; PLUNKET in charge on Ministerial side; +SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE Leader of Opposition. Hammered away all +night on old familiar lines. Ghosts of old acquaintances feebly +crossed floor, disappearing behind SPEAKER's chair. Kensington Palace, +with its cost; Bushey House; Cambridge Cottage; admission to Holyrood +Palace; the deer in Home Park at Hampton Court; the pheasants in +Richmond Park; the frescoes in House of Lords; the Grille of the +Ladies' Gallery: the British Consular House at Cairo--each came up +in turn; talked about; protested against; explained; divided upon, +and voted. PLUNKET left to himself on Treasury Bench; bore up with +unflagging energy and perennial patience; has heard same points raised +every year since he was First Commissioner; has made same replies, and +has seen Votes passed. Long before he was in office same thing used +to go on with other First Commissioners. That was before the SAGE had +taken to politics. Good old RYLANDS--"Preposterous PETER"--was then +the Grand Inquisitor. But it was the same deer, the same gas-bills, +the same question of free residence for "that eminent warrior," as the +SAGE to-night called him, the Dook of CAMBRIDGE. + +Oddly enough, almost only flash of humour through long sitting came +from GEORGE CAMPBELL. Gave graphic description of his hanging about +Holyrood Palace hankering after admission. According to existing +regulation, admission to be gained only after bang goes two saxpences. +For sixteen years Sir GEORGE ever lured to vicinity; sometimes +casually entered doorway, proposing to loiter past ticket-collector; +stopped by demand of a shilling, had resisted temptation. That was +sad, but what he felt most acutely was injury done to his nation. +Americans visiting Edinburgh on their way to Paris went to Holyrood: +charged a shilling. "Ha! ha!" they cried, "see these stingy Scotchmen. +They charge a shilling before they throw open their one Palace door, +whilst in England you may roam through the Palaces free of charge," + +"Sir," cried Sir GEORGE, his voice under generous excitement of the +moment taking on rasping tone, "the arrangement is prejudicial to the +reputation of Scotchmen." + +"This," said the SAGE, "will, I think, be an opportunity of going out +for another cigarette." + +_Business done_.--Handsful of Votes in Supply. + +[Illustration: "Another cigarette."] + +_Tuesday_.--NAPOLEON B. BOLTON strolled down to House to-night, +intending to hear what TOMLINSON had to say on Emigration +arrangements. In family circle it has always been considered that, +as far as personal resemblance to NAPOLEON BONAPARTE goes, the late +Prince JEROME wasn't in it with the Member for St. Pancras. BOLTON +blushingly pooh-poohs the fond little fancy; but he is of kindly +disposition; not inclined to insist on his opinion in controversy to +other people's. Indeed, has gone so far as to furnish himself with +fancy dress, fashioned on the style of that worn by the great NAPOLEON +on State occasions. To-night, been at a children's party, showing +himself in his uniform. Am told that, when he folds his arms, throws +back his head, and recites, "On Linden, when the sun was low," you +would think the Great Emperor had come back from St. Helena. + +Intended to-night to create sensation in House. Doubted whether, as +he was not about to move the Address, he would be permitted to enter +with sword by his side. But he would be free of the smoke-room; might +posture in the Lobby; might read an evening paper in the tea-room, +whilst others enviously glanced at his epaulettes. + +Here he was at ten minutes past nine standing in his favourite +attitude at the Bar, no one having challenged his entrance. Fact is, +House was up; not Counted Out, but having duly gone through the Orders +and passed the Second Reading of an important measure. Such a day the +Government had had! At Morning Sitting had ramped through the Orders, +advancing Bill after Bill through critical stages. House nearly empty; +Opposition effaced; Irish Members all absent except Brer RABBIT, who +wanders about looking for Brer FOX. The only note of discord sounded +in voice of GEORGE CAMPBELL. Report of Supply reached at a quarter +to seven. At ten minutes to seven, in accordance with Rule ordering +Morning Sitting, Debate must stop. One or two questions asked; quickly +answered by PLUNKET; Vote after Vote agreed to on report stage. Then +CAMPBELL gets up and wants to know about lighting the National History +Museum at night? + +Twelve minutes to seven. + +PLUNKET looks anxiously at clock. If CAMPBELL would put his question +and sit down he might be answered, and report stage got through. But +CAMPBELL goes on till hand of clock points to ten minutes to seven. + +"Order, order!" cries SPEAKER. Time limit reached; no more debate; +CAMPBELL not finished yet; attempts to proceed; angry shouts of +"Order! Order!" before which he subsides. Then, watching opportunity, +suddenly bolts up again and wants to explain that he was not opposing +the passage of report stage of Supply. "No, but you talked it out," +said PLUNKET, with something less than his customary suavity. + +[Illustration: Napoleon B. Bolton.] + +This happened more than two hours ago. There has been the suspension +of the Sitting, the resumption at nine o'clock, the Second Reading +of the Rating of Machinery Bill; and now all is over, the guests are +fled, the garlands dead, and all but NAPOLEON B. BOLTON departed. He, +in fact, has only just arrived, and wishes he had not been in such +a hurry to quit the circle where of late he was the object of awed +admiration. + +_Business done_.--Trenormous! + +_Thursday_.--House filled up to-night; flowing tide evidently with us, +including Mr. G., back after his holidays. Also Prince ARTHUR; been in +training for some weeks in anticipation of long spurt in Committee on +Irish Land Bill. Irish Members also returned in considerable force. +Expected to find TIM HEALY arrive in fragments; but he's all there, +much as usual. + +"How's Brer FOX?" I asked him, wishing to hear latest news from +Ireland. + +"Oh," said he, "PARNELL's looking up." + +"What do you mean?" I asked, astonished at this testimony. + +"I mean, he's on his back, and, being in that position, must of course +be looking up, if he's looking anywhere at all." + +Light-hearted TIM! Time does not wither, or DALTON O'BRIEN stale, his +infinite variety. + +Scotch Members on before Ireland was approached. Something about the +Scotch Private Bill Procedure Bill. Formidable List of Amendments to +LORD-ADVOCATE's proposal to nominate Committee. All the Clans muster. +NOVAR moves Amendment; CAMPBELL-BANNER-MAN objected that thirteen +Scotch Members, including LENG and LYON PLAYFAIR, "would not make an +adequate Committee." ROBERT-SON brought against the LORD-ADVOCATE the +grave charge that he was "interpolating an extraneous and alien body +into this business." Lord KINGSBURY, ex-Lord-Advocate, happened to be +under Gallery on chance visit to House. Heard this remark with huge +delight. Reminded him of the times when he used to sit through long +nights with back fairly set against the Gangway post of Treasury +Bench, invoking blessings on head of Duke of ARGYLL, and driving the +Liberal Scotch Members wild with his perpetual smile of content. + +[Illustration: "Interpolating an extraneous and alien body."] + +_Business done_.--Committee on Irish Land Bill started. + +_Friday Night_.--When House met at Morning Sitting OLD MORALITY +discovered on Treasury Bench, looking more than usually guileless. +Been badgered all week about Labour Committee. When going to disclose +names of Commissioners and set forth terms of reference? Only +yesterday Brer RABBIT put the question, intimating that whenever the +announcement was made Adjournment of House would be moved in order +to protest against omission of DAVITT's name. OLD MORALITY answering, +said it was possible he might be able to make the announcement to-day, +but much more likely on Monday. + +Everyone thought it would be Monday. Brer RABBIT in his place to-day, +but his men absent. OLD MORALITY, with positively a halo of innocency +round his head, suddenly appeared at table; read out the list of +Commissioners. Brer RABBIT's hand forced; must needs forthwith ask +leave to move the Adjournment. + +"Got your forty men?" asked the SPEAKER. + +"Not quite," said Brer RABBIT, apologetically. + +Only twenty-nine; so Brer RABBIT bowled out, and opportunity lost. + +"Dear me!" said OLD MORALITY; "how very unfortunate. Now if I'd only +waited till Monday, House would have been quite full; Brer RABBIT +would have got his forty men twice over; we should have had an +embarrassing Debate, and lost several hours of the sitting. As things +have turned out, we can now go straight on with business." + +_Business done_.--In Committee on Irish Land Bill. + + * * * * * + +THE RETURN OF THE WANDERER.--JOHNNIE has come marching home. JOHN +LAWRENCE TOOLE, of the wide world generally, of London peculiarly, and +of King William Street particularly, has returned. Divine WILLIAMS, +always on the spot for any remarkable event, foresaw the happy day +when, in _Henry the Eighth_, Act v., So. 3, he wrote, "The great TOOLE +come!" May we venture to surmise that it will not be long ere we see +the announcement of our favourite comedian's appearance in an entirely +new and original farce entitled _Ici on Parle Français_? + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? (_From a Correspondent_).--Sir, I send you a cutting +from a communication of J. MORTIMER GRANVILLE's, to _The Lancet_, No. +3,527, p. 798. Which when found make a note of:--"_Instead of thallin +I use a Periodohydromethyloxychinolin, because that is better borne, +and seems to be more effective than the Tetrahydroparaquinasol_." +These two words would be a good penn'orth in a telegram. Yours, +EPIGRAMMATIST. + + * * * * * + +PREMIÈRE AND DERNIÈRE, OR SHORTEST RUN ON RECORD. + +_Dramatic Author_ (_to very friendly critic_). Seen my new piece? eh? +_Première_ last night. + +_Very friendly Critic_. Dear me! "One night only!" Hope they've got +something ready for this evening. [_Exit, chuckling._ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, April 18, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13323 *** |