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diff --git a/13270-0.txt b/13270-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eda9501 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1331 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13270 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 11, 1891. + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +MORE _POT-POURRI_ FROM THE PARK. + + SCENE--_The Park, near Cumberland Gate, on almost any fine + afternoon. Behind the rails separating the turf from the + paths, Orators, Preachers, and Reciters are holding forth, + for the delectation of small groups, who are mostly engaged in + discussing some totally different subject. A set debate, with + a time-limit, and a purely ornamental Chairman, is in progress + between a Parnellite and an Anti-Parnellite. The reader will + kindly imagine himself to be passing slowly along the line._ + +_A Youthful Socialist_ (_haranguing the usual crowd of well-to-do +loungers, and working himself up to the requisite white-heat of +factitious fury_). And what are these Capitalists? I'll tell yer. Jest +a lot o' greedy gobblers and profit-mongering sharks, as eat up the +smaller fry. And what are _you_? Why, you're the small fish as +eat mud--and let yourselves _be_ gobbled! (_The crowd accept this +definition of themselves with perfect gaiety and good-humour._) Some +will tell yer that these lazy, idle loafers, work as hard as what we +do ourselves. (_Derisive laughter at this ridiculous idea._) Mind yer, +I'm not saying they don't. _Honly_, the 'arder they work, the worse +it is for us; because the more they work the more they _rob_! That's +what they send their sons to Oxford and to Cambridge--as was built and +endowed for the benefit of us, the labourin' classes--for. They send +'em there to learn _'ow to rob_! + + [_Here a discussion breaks out between a Sceptic and a + Spiritualist, who, with half-a-dozen interested auditors, + have been putting their heads together in a corner._ + +_The Sceptic_. No,--but keep to the point,--you're shufflin' the +question. I want to argue this out on logical grounds. I know as +well as _you_ do that, if only I 'ave 'armony and a round table in my +family, I can make that table dance the poker--but what I'm puttin' +to _you_ is (_triumphantly_), 'ow does that prove to me as I'm in +communication with the Bogie Man? That's what _you've_ got to answer. + +[Illustration: "Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!"] + +_The Y.S._. We Soshalists 'ate the Tories as we 'ate sin. Why, young +polertician as I ham, &c., &c. + +_The Spiritualist_ (_an elderly and earnest person_). All I can +reply to you is, we Spiritualists do not think--we _know_ that these +phenomena appear--yes, as surely as I know I am 'olding this stick in +my 'and. + +_The Sceptic_ (_pityingly_). There you go again, yer see--that +stick ain't the point. _I_ can see the stick. A stick ain't a +phenomena--you're confusin' two different things. Now I'm goin' to +offer you a fair challenge. You perdooce me a Spirit--not in a back +room, with the lights out, but _'ere_, in broad daylight, in this +Park--you get that Spirit to naturalise itself, or whatever you call +it, and I'll _believe_ in 'im. Come, now! + +_A Bystander_. Ah, that's the way to corner _'is_ sort. 'E knows 'e +carn't _do_ it! + +_The Spiritualist_ (_with a smile of sad superiority_). Ridicule ain't +argyment. [_The discussion continues._ + +_The Young Socialist_. Don't tork to me of Patriotism! What have the +likes of you and me got to be patriotic about? I'm a Universalist, I +am, and so long as a man rallies round our glorious Red Flag (_here he +waves a dingy scarlet rag on a stick_), it's all one to me whether his +own colour is black, yeller, green, brown, _or_ white! + + [_Applause._ + +_Reciter Number One_ (_in the midst of a thrilling prose narrative +about a certain_ "'ARRY," _who has apparently got into legal +difficulties for having thrown a cocoa-nut stick at a retired +Colonel_). Well, I went into the Court 'ouse, and there, sure enough, +was my pore mate 'ARRY in the dock, and there was hold Ginger-whiskers +(_laughter_) a setting on the bench along with the hother beaks, +lookin' biliouser, and pepperier, and more happerplecticker nor ever! +"Prison-ar," he sez, addressin' 'ARRY (_imitation of the voice and +manner of a retired Colonel_), "Prison-ar, 'ave you--har--hanythink +to say in your beyarf--har?" And then, hall of a sudden, I sor a +flash come into my dear 'ole comride 'ARRY's heyes, as he strightened +'imself in the dock, and gave the milingtery sloot, and then, in a +voice as sounded as true and sweet and clear as a bell, he sez-- + +_A Dingy and Unprepossessing Preacher_ (_unctuously_). Well beloved +friends, as I was telling yer, I went 'ome to the 'ouse of that pious +Methodist lady, and she told me as 'ow she 'ad two dear unconverted +sons, an' I knelt down (_&c., &c._), an' after that we 'ad our tea, +and then I preached a sermon--ah, I well remember I took my tex from +(_&c. &c._)--an' then she gave me supper (_more unctuously still_), as +nice a bit o' cold beef and 'ome-brewed ale as ever I wish to taste, +and I slep' that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed--and this +(_drawing the inevitable moral_) this brings me round to what I +started on, inasmuch as it proves (_with a forbidding smile_) as 'ow +yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares! + +_Reciter Number Two_ (_giving his own private version of "The Ticket +of Leave Man."_) Fourpence 'ap'ny, Gentlemen, is _not_ a very 'arty +nor corjial recognition of my talent; _'owever_, I will now perceed +with the Drarmer. The Curtain rises upon the Second Hact. Hover three +years 'ave elapsed since _Robert Brierley_--(&c.) We are in _May +Hedwardses_ lodgings. She is torkin to 'er goldfinch. If you boys +don't give over larkin' and stand back, you'll get a cuff on some +of your 'eds. "Goldie," she sez, "I've 'ad a letter from _'Im_ this +morning!" And the bird puts his little 'ed a one side, and a'most +seems as if he compre'ended 'er meanin'! _Mrs. Willoughby_ is 'eard +outside sayin', "May I come in?" I will now hendeavour to give you a +imitation of _Mrs. Willoughby_. + + [_He cocks his hat rather more on one side, to indicate + feminine garrulity, and continues._ + +_Anti-Parnellite Irishman_ (_warmly_). Is it kape to the point? Oi +till that white-feeced an' black-hearrted loiar, TIM MURPHY, that if +he interrups me wance more whoile o'im in possession o' the chair, +oi'll step down an' call 'm to orrder by landin' 'um a clump on the +conk! + +_Reciter Number Three_ (_who is working his way through a +bloodcurdling poem, with a hat on the ground before him_):-- + + And on came them maddened 'orses, with their foiery, smokin' breath; + As were bearin' the woman I lurved to a crule and 'orrible death! + [_Pathetically._ + 'Ow could I save my darlin' from layin' a mangled 'eap + On the grorss below where the buttercups blow, along of the innercent sheep! + (_Wildly._) I felt my brine was reeling--I'adn't a minnit to lose! + [_He strains forward, in agony._ + With a stifled prayer, and a gasp for air, I-- + + [_Here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked penny + on the grass, and replaces it carefully in the hat before + proceeding._ + +_First Bystander_ (_discussing Physical Courage with a friend_). No, +I never 'ad no pluck. I don't see the use of it myself--on'y gits you +into rows'. (_Candidly._) I'm a blanky coward, I am. + +_His Friend_ (_admiringly_). Give us yer 'and. Yer can't be a blankier +coward than _me_! + +_The A.P._ (_with just pride_). Oi've been wan o' the biggest +libertines in this or anny other city in me toime--there's no +blagardhism oi'd have put beyant me--but oi till ye this. If PARNELL +was to come up to me here, now, and ask me to sheek um by the hand, +oi'd say, "Shtand back, ye d----d scoundthrel!" Ah, oi would _that_! + +_Belated Orator_ (_perorating to an embarrassed stranger on a seat +before him, under a muddled impression that he is addressing a +spell-bound multitude_). I tell yer--yes, hevery man, and hevery woman +among yer--(_Here he bends forward, and touches his hearer's right and +left elbow impressively_) don't you go away under the impression I'm +talking of what I don't understan'! (_The Stranger shifts his leg and +looks another way_.) I speak sense, don't I? _You_ never 'eard nothin' +like this afore, _any_ of yer, _'ave_ yer? That's because I read +between the lines! (_Waving his arm wildly._) An' I want heach man +and boy of you to 'member my words, and _hact_ upon them when the time +comes! + + [_Here he staggers off with a proud and exalted air, to the + immense relief of his hearer._ + +_A Professional Pietist_ (_with a modest working capital of one hymn +and a nasal drone_). "My richest gynes" ... (_To Charitable Passer_. A +copper, Sir? bless your kind 'art!) "I cayount" ... (_Examining it._ +A bloomin' French 'ap'ny!) ... "but loss; And pour contemp'" ... (Call +yerself a Christian gen'lman, yer--&c.) ... "on a--a--ll my proide!" + + (_Here the Reader will probably have had enough of it._) + + * * * * * + +A REAL TREAT.--_Advice to Covent-gardeners_.--If _Carmen_ is to be +done again this season with the same cast as it had on Saturday last, +no one who cares for an exceptionally first-rate performance should +miss this opera-tunity. There is no better representative of _Carmen_ +than Mlle. ZELIE DE LUSSAN,--how can there be, since the Spanish +Gipsy heroine of the plot is herself a _Loose 'un_? Madame MELBA +was charming as _Mickie Ella_, the Irish girl in Spain. M. LASSALLE +appeared as _Escamillo_. the bull-fighter, in a novel, and doubtless +a correct, costume, and his great _Toréador_ song was vociferously +encored. Then, finally, JEAN DE RESKÉ, who made of the usually idiotic +_Don José_ a fine acting as well as a fine singing part. It drew a +big house, and would have been a pretty dish to set before an Emperor +on Wednesday, if, on that occasion, the Opera itself were the only +consideration. + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE KING'S ABDICATION. + +[Illustration] + + "My palate is parched with Pierian thirst, + Away to Parnassus I'm beckoned." + I sing of the glories of Fire King the First! + (Who's fit to be Fire King the Second?) + + Captain EYRE MASSEY SHAW is a "Sovereign" indeed, + Abdicating? Alas! that too true is; + For he's a Fire King of a different breed + From the Monarch described by MONK LEWIS. + + No mere King of Flames, fiery-faced _à la_ SKELT, + Inhabiting regions most torrid, + With a breath that is warranted copper to melt, + And eyes indescribably horrid. + + He hath not a blazing Bardolphian nose, + He is not _flamboyant_ or furious; + His Crown's a brass helmet, his Sceptre a hose; + True Fire King,--all others are spurious. + + For he rules the flames; he has done so for long; + And now that he talks of retiring, + Men mourn for the fire-queller cautious and strong, + Whose reign they've so long been admiring. + + Clear-headed, cool Captain, great chief M.F.B., + All London is sorry to lose you; + As kindly as kingly, from prejudice free; + No danger could daunt or confuse you. + + As doffing your helmet, and dropping your hose, + You bid us farewell, we all own you + As one of Fiend Fire's most redoubtable foes; + As that thirty years we have known you. + + Our Big Boards might job, and our Big Wigs might jaw, + But, spite of their tricks and their cackle, + One Chief we could trust; we were sure that our SHAW + His duty would manfully tackle. + + So farewell, great Fire King! Your crown you lay by; + E'en you cannot lay by your credit. + Ignipotent Knight? Well, you ought to stand high + In the next Honour-List! _Punch_ has said it! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +(SECOND LETTER.--B.) + +_THE MAGNUM OPUS._ + +[Illustration] + +_À propos_ of this heading, what a treasure a _Magnum Opal_ would be. +This remark is only "by the way." My motto is Business First, Play (on +words) afterwards. So to work. + +I really think I shall take to Guide-book writing. _Grandolph's +Guides_ would be immensely popular. I'm sure I can do it--for upon +my word I can do a'most anything if I only buckle to. By the way, +'_Buckle_' suggests history. Can go in for "making history" when I've +done this work. WILLIAMS--not MONTAGU the Magistrate--(good title this +for something)--but my friend the Companionable Captain ---- is at +work; when he has done, he reads out a few descriptive paragraphs for +my approbation, or the contrary. When I nod it means that I like it; +when I don't nod, he has to wait till I do. I generally begin nodding +about the middle of the first paragraph. + +"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, "I'm glad you like it +all so much." + +"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my pyjamas, +and wondering to myself how I could have been so absorbed in his +reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked havannah tumble on to the +floor. + +"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a half," +returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; peppery chap, the +Captain,--'Curried' Captain when on board Sir DONALD's boat,--but to +resume. Says the Curried Captain, still a bit annoyed, "You passed all +the paragraphs, one after the other, and whenever I stopped to ask you +how you liked it, you nodded." + +I didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the fact is +that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone and, I fancy, +that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging by the moiety of my +cigar. I must have fallen fast asleep. + +"That's posted, is it?" I ask, evading further explanation. "It is," +he answers. "But I've got another lot--" + +"Good!" I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from experience +I say it, if I don't take myself when in the humour--'on the hop,' so +to speak, as they said of the _scarabæus_ in Kent--(trust _me_ for +natural history and plenty of it)--I'm no use at all. Now at this +moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another fragrant +weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't the smallest idea +what became of the one I ordered when the Gallant Graphist commenced +reading; I rather suspect he 'put it to his lips when so dispoged,' +and that, in this instance also, he mistook my nod for silent but +emphatic encouragement. + +"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable Author, "you +read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and I'll chuck in +the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's _my_ drink," I say, with an +emphasis on the possessive pronoun, for the Soldierly Scribe, in a +moment of absorption, was about to apply that process to my liquor. He +apologises handsomely, and commences his recital. In the absence of a +gong,--one ought never to travel without a gong,--I whack the tea-tray +with a paper-knife. "All in to begin!" + +"_The mail train_," &c., &c. I make my notes, and remark that MURRAY +and BRADSHAW lost a great chance in not having long ago secured the +services of the Corresponding Captain. "_The railroad passes through +mountain scenery of exceptional_," &c., &c. BRADSHAW and MURRAY, not +to mention BAEDEKER and BLACK, absolutely not in it with the Wandering +Warrior. "_About thirty miles from Cape Town_"-- + +A SIMPLE SUGGESTION. + +I stop him at this point. "Couldn't we have a song here?" + +"Why?" asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling his +moustache. + +"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About thirty +miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of _Within a Mile of +Edinboro' Town_." + +"Don't see it," says the Virtuous Veteran, stolidly. + +"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is my way, +"if it's a song, I'll make _several notes_ of it." + +"Um!" growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him in an +attempt at surprising my outpost, i.e., my tumbler of cool drink. He +apologises gruffly but politely, and then continues his reading. + +ON WE GOES AGAIN. + +He continues to read about "_distances," "so many feet above +sea-levels," "engineering skill_," &c., &c., which I observe to him +will all make capital padding for a guide-book, when I am suddenly +struck by the sound of the word I had just used, _viz._, 'padding.' + +PADDINGTON. + +"By Jove!" I exclaim. + +"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his MS. + +"'Padding,'" I reply--"Only add a 'ton' to it, and that will give it +just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask him, impetuously. +But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at his moustache. I explain +the idea, as if it were a charade. I say, "The whole notion is +'padding--ton.' See?" + +The Ruminating Reader thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I urge--"it +will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without anecdote? Now +for an anecdote; and I knock one off, _sur le champ_, about the +engine-driver, the stoker, and several other persons, all on the +look-out for promotion, informing me of their being _Paddington men +of considerable political influence at home_. The Cautious Captain +accepts the anecdote, interpolates it, and after I have called for and +imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted another cigar, +the Conscientious Captain resumes his entertainment." + +NO PIANO. + +He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will he take +something? No? Then _I_ will. His health, and song--I mean 'treatise,' +or whatever he calls it--say 'lecture.' Wish we'd had a piano. Never +will travel without one again. _Mem._--Gong and piano. I don't pretend +to be a thorough musician, but as a one-fingered player I'd give Sir +CHARLES HALLÉ odds and beat him. Now then--let's see where were we. +Another tumbler iced. Good. _Allez!_ Captain, go ahead! + +[Illustration] + +Somehow or another, after this--that is, I can only time it by the +fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth glass of iced drink, or +it may have been my half-dozenth, for time does fly so,--the Captain +having, I suspect, drank the greater part of the previous one whenever +I didn't happen to be looking that way--I begin to think I must have +once more given my assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of which I +could not nave heard more than three pages, as, when I arouse myself +from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the Captain has gone out, and +so has my cigar. + +AWAY! AWAY! + +"Action is the word!" said I, suddenly jumping up; and, having seized +a spade, and provided myself with a large sack, which I carried across +my shoulders, I set off for the diamond-fields. Unrecognised by a +soul, I went to work on my own account; and the brilliant things I +saw--far more brilliant than even the witticisms of WOLFFY, or the +sarcasms of ARTHUR B! Into my sack go thousands of diamonds! The sack +is full! _Aladdin_ and the Lamp not in it with me! "Hallo!" shouts +a voice, gruffly. I could see no one. "_Vox et præterea nil_," as we +used to say at Eton. Suddenly I felt myself collared. I made a gallant +attempt at resistance. A spade is a spade I know, but what is a +spade and one against twenty with pistols and daggers, headed by the +redoubtable Filliblusterer THOMAS TIDDLER himself? "Strip him!" said +T.T., shortly. + +[Illustration] + +Will you believe that the only way in which in this country they +arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by denuding +you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked truth, holding you +up by the heels for the purpose of shaking the diamonds out of you, in +case any are concealed in your hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth. + +"He has diamonds on the brain!" I hear some ruffian exclaim, and in +another second-- + + * * * * * + +Well--what happened I cannot tell you: I must have fainted. When I +came to myself I was lying by the chair in which I had been previously +sitting when listening to the Captain's reading, and bending over me +with a glass of water in his hand, was the faithful and clever Doctor +whose companionship on this voyage of discovery I am daily and hourly +learning to appreciate at its proper value. I fancy the ship's crew +were round about me, with the Engineer and the Chaplain. I feel +inclined to say, "HARDY, HARDY, kiss me, HARDY!" and then something +about "Tell them at home"--but the words stick in my throat, as they +did in _Macbeth's_ throat (only they were other words) when he was on +his throat-sticking expedition. (Little Shakspearian reference thrown +in here, and no extra charge.) + +"How many of these has he had?" I hear the Doctor say, and I perceived +that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should like to explain +that, as we were engaged in composition, there had been 'composing +draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the Clever Captain's voice in +reply, but the next minute I felt myself being lifted up and carried +off. I wished to tell them of my strange adventure, and how I had +barely escaped with my life, but somehow drowsiness overcame me, and +I must have fallen asleep. + +BUSINESS AS BEFORE. + +To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I asked the +Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor "if they had seen anything +of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they only smiled at one +another, elevated their eyebrows, then winked, and laughed. + +What is their little game? + +No matter. I will lie low. My motto is "Diamonds are trumps." I'm not +here as _Aladdin_ for nothing. "Aha!" as the old melodramatic villain +used to say, "a time will come! No mattar!" + +RATHER CURRIE-OUS! + +I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a DONALD CURRIE +steamer--'twas the first opportunity that ever I had of tasting a +DONALD CURRIE, and excellent it is, as of course, was all our "board" +on board--(send this joke to WOLFFY--he'll work it up and make a real +_impromptu_ sparkler of it--and I don't grudge him the _kudos_ of it, +not one little bit)--or to the change of air, but I am bound to say +openly that I do think the G.O.M. has been right about most things, +especially about Majuba (who was _Pa_ JUBA? Send this to DRUMMY +WOLFFY), and--well, I shall have more to say on this subject. If this +meets the eye of any friendly person, will he kindly remember me to my +Uncle? Thanks. That's the ticket. More anon. + +[Illustration: (Signature) Grandolph the Explorer.] + + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY. + +The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves into a +nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let as many people +as possibel see the grate show on Friday. They has acshally bin and +ordered a grate bilding with rows of seats, out in Gildhall Yard, +enuff to hold about a thousand Ladies and Gentlemen, all in their best +close, with capital views of ewerybody and ewerythink, and now they +are told that it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing to heat +or to drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least three +hours! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun Horspitality +after that! + +I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy acshally +surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and their sweet had +all gone home, all the whole thousand starving wisitors should be +turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and drink all the fragments +as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery kind and thortful of you as +regards the harf-starved wisitors, but how about us Waiters? You, with +all your experience, ewidentally don't know the wally of what such +eminent Swells as Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates, and +the skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Why, I have acshally seen +with my own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring of me which chair +a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down and kiss its harm, +wich was nex to kissin _his_ hand, and then give harf-a-crown for +harf a happel as was left on the plate! Ah, that's what I calls true +loyalty, and werry much it is admired by all of us. + +I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the Hemperer, +has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on both sides of +the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to Gildhall. And in +case the estonishing site shood make him feel just a leetle dazed, the +jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone and hired no less than three +Millingterry Bands of Music to play to him, and cheer him up. + +There was a talk of engaging all the many German Bands, as makes our +streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade at Lunch; but Mr. +WEST HILL, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, thort it might be too much +for His Madjesty's feelinx, so the highdear was given up. I werily +bleeves that of all the many anxious buzzoms as is a beating with +suppressed emotion for next Friday, the carmest and the all serenest +of the lot is that of ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE." + + A volume most welcome on table or desk + Is DAVENPORT ADAMS's _Book of Burlesque_. + He deals with the subject from earliest days, + To modern examples and Gaiety plays. + We've extracts from PLANCHÉ and GILBERT to hand, + With puns ta'en from BYRON and jokes from BURNAND. + There's fun at your asking wherever you look, + And not a dull page you'll declare in the book. + You'll find it delightful, for no one Macadams + The road of the reader like DAVENPORT ADAMS. + + * * * * * + +LIBERTY AND LICENCE.--It is said that _The Maske of Flowers_ would +never have drawn gold on Monday last to the coffers of that excellent +charity, the Convalescent Home at Westgate-on-Sea had not one of the +Prominent Performers consented to become the responsible and actual +Manager of the "Theatre Royal, Inner Temple." By the terms of his +licence he was bound, amongst other things, to see that no smoking was +permitted in the auditorium, no exhibition of wild beasts was allowed +on the premises, and no hanging took place from the flies. It is +satisfactory to learn (that, in spite of many Benchers being present) +none of these wholesome regulations were infringed. It is true that +the Music of the _Maske_ was duly executed, but then this painful +operation was conducted (by Mr. PRENDERGAST) from the floor of +the building, and not from its roof. Thus the orders of the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN were strictly observed by a Barrister, who can now claim +to have been Manager of a genuine Temple of the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A REMINDER.--Mr. EDMUND B.V. CHRISTIAN, in _Baily's Magazine_, quoted +by the _P.M.G._ last Thursday, complains "that cricket, the most +popular of games, fills so small a space in literature." Does he +forget that CHARLES DICKENS devoted one entire Christmas Book to _The +Cricket on the Hearth_? + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. I.--TO SOCIAL AMBITION. + +DEAR SIR, OR MADAM, + +I trust you will observe and appreciate the discreet ambiguity of +style with which I have chosen to address you. I may assure you at +once that I have done this not without considerable thought. For, +though I have often watched you in the exercise of your energies, I +have never yet been able to satisfy myself as to whether I ought to +class you amongst our rougher sex, or include you in the ranks of +those who wear high heels, and very low dresses. Sometimes you fix +your place of business in a breast adequately covered by a stiff and +shining shirt-front and a well-cut waistcoat. Sometimes you inhabit +the expansive bosom of a matron. Nor do you confine yourself to one +class alone out of the many that go to the composition of our social +life. You have impelled grocers to ludicrous pitches of absurdity; +you have driven the wife of a working-man to distraction because her +neighbour's front room possesses a more expensive carpet, of a sprucer +pattern than her own. Clerks have suffered acutely from your stings, +and actresses have spent many a sleepless night under your malign +influence. You have tortured Dukes on the peaks of gracious splendour +where they sit enthroned as far above common mortals as they ought to +be above the common feeling of envy; and you have caused even Queens +to writhe because there happened to be a few stray Empresses in the +world. + +[Illustration] + +On the whole, then, I think I do wisely in leaving the question of +your sex a doubtful one. You would wish it so left yourself, otherwise +so powerful a personality as yours would, I am certain, have revealed +itself with greater clearness to an honest investigator, such as +I humbly trust I have proved myself. But, be that as it may, I can +assert with perfect confidence that you are no respecter of persons, +though it must, in fairness, be added, that one of your chief +functions seems to be to implant an exaggerated respect and admiration +of others in the minds of your victims. In saying this I praise your +impartiality, while I hint a dislike of your ordinary methods. Not +that I have any hope of causing you to desist. For to desist would be +to cease to exist, and I cannot fairly expect you to commit suicide, +however much I may desire it. Moreover, your subjects--for, to be +candid, you are a despot--seem to like you. You minister so craftily +to their self-esteem, you flatter their vanity with an adroitness +so remarkable, that, after a few feeble struggles, they resign +themselves, body and soul, to your thrall. Even then you proceed +warily. Your first labour is to collect, with patient care, all the +little elements of dissatisfaction that are latent in every nature, +and to blend them with the petty disappointments to which even the +best of us are liable. The material thus obtained you temper with +intentions that seem to be good, and eventually you forge out of it a +weapon of marvellous point and sharpness, with which you mercilessly +goad your victims along the path that leads to ridicule and disaster. + +Let me take an instance which I am sure you will remember. When +I first met little DABCHICK, I thought I had never seen a happier +mortal. He was clever, good-natured, and sprightly. He sold tea +somewhere in Mincing Lane, and on the proceeds of his sales he managed +to support a wife and two pleasant children in reasonable comfort +at Balham. Mrs. DABCHICK could not be accused by her best friends of +over-refinement, but everybody agreed that she was just the homely, +comfortable, housewifely person who would always make DABCHICK happy, +and be a good and careful mother to his children. Often in the old +days when I came down to Balham and took pot-luck with DABCHICK, while +Mrs. DABCHICK beamed serenity and middle-class satisfaction upon me +from the other end of the table, and the juvenile JOHNNY DABCHICK +recited in a piping treble one of Mr. GEORGE R. SIMS's most moving +pieces for our entertainment, often, I say, have I envied the simple +happiness of that family, and gone back to my bachelor chambers with +an increased sense of dissatisfaction. Why, I thought to myself, had +fate denied to me the peaceful domesticity of the DABCHICKS? I was as +good a man as DABCHICK, probably, if the truth were known, a better +than he. Yet there he was with a good wife, an agreeable family, and +a comfortable income to compensate him for his extravagance with the +letter h, while I had to toil and moil in solitary gloom. + +Now, however, all is changed. In an evil moment for himself, DABCHICK +speculated largely and successfully in the Gold Trust of Guatemala. In +a very short time his income was multiplied by ten. The usual results +followed. The happy home in Balham was given up. "People about here," +said DABCHICK, "are such poor snobs"--and a more ornate mansion in +South Kensington was taken in its stead. The old friends and the +old habits were dropped. JOHNNY DABCHICK was sent to Eton with an +immoderate allowance of pocket-money, and was promptly christened +"PEKOE" by his schoolfellows. Mrs. DABCHICK rides in a huge landau +with blue wheels, and leaves cards on the fringes of the aristocracy. +DABCHICK himself aspires to Parliament, and never keeps the same +circle of friends for more than about six months. He knows one shady +Viscount to whom rumour asserts that he has lent immense sums of +Guatemalan money, and the approach of a Marquis makes him palpitate +with emotion. But he is a profoundly miserable man. Of that I am +assured. It amuses me when I meet him in pompous society to address +him lightly as "DAB," and remind him of the dear old Balham days, and +the huge amount of bird's-eye we used to smoke together. For his motto +now is, "_Delenda est Balhamia_"--I speak of course figuratively--and +half-crown havannahs have usurped the place of the honest briar. I +know the poor wretch is making up his mind to cut me, but I must bear +it as best I may. + +Now, my dear Sir or Madam, for this melancholy deterioration in the +DABCHICKS you are entirely responsible. I am saddened as I contemplate +it, and I appeal to you. Scarify Dukes and Duchesses, make vain and +useless social prigs as miserable as you like, but leave the DABCHICKS +of this world alone. They are simple folk, and really I cannot think +that the game is worth the candle. + +Believe me to be, your obedient servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +BROADLY SPEAKING. + +Advised by friend to try Norfolk Broads for holiday. Oulton Broad, +Wroxham Broad, Fritton Decoy (curious name!), Yare, Waveney, and no +end of other rivers. Yachting, shooting, fishing, pretty scenery, +divine air, he says. Have come down to Yarmouth for a start. + +Up the Bure in a yacht, and into river Thurne. All right so far. Fish +scarce. My pilot says, "wait till I get to Hickling Broad. _Full_ of +bream and roach." I agree to wait. + +In Hickling Broad. Surprised to find notice-boards up all round +saying, "sailing" is prohibited in the Broad, also fishing and +shooting! "What's the meaning of this?" I ask pilot. He says, "it's +all the doings of the Lord of the Manor." Wants to keep the Broad free +from tourists. He certainly does it "as to the Manor born." Quite a +village autocrat. Shall I be the "Village HAMPDEN?" I will. + +Fishing. Several men on bank shouting at me. One comes off in a boat +and serves me with a summons. This might almost be called a Broad hint +to go away! But I don't go. I stop and fish. Another man comes off in +boat and threatens me with action "on behalf of riparian owners." Tell +him "ripe-pear-ian season isn't till Autumn, and I shall wait here +till then." He doesn't see the joke--perhaps too broad for him. + +Other yachtsmen, we hear, have been stopped, and threatened. Yachtsmen +up in arms generally. Savage artists wander along banks, denouncing +Lord of Manor of Hickling. Say they have "right of way" along banks +(sounds as if they were Railway Guards). Hear that Lord of Manor is +going to put a gunboat on Broad, also torpedoes. Hear, also, that +Wroxham Broad--one of the biggest--is to be closed in same way. + +Disgusted at such inhospitality. Back to Yarmouth. Give up yacht, +and decide to go to Switzerland instead. Find Yarmouth yacht-owners +furious with Hickling's Lord of Bad Manners. Say "closing the Broads +will ruin them." Very likely, but it'll help the foreign hotel-keeper. +Glad to see they've started a "Norfolk Broads Protection Society," +subscriptions to be sent to Lloyd's Bank. "I know a Bank"--and all +lovers of natural scenery and popular rights ought to know it too, and +help in giving the Hickling obstructionist a "heckling," when he takes +the matter (also the Manor) into Court. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. + +"SEEN THE _ENFANT PRODIGUE_, MR. SOFTEY?" + +"NO; WAITING TILL THEY DO IT IN _ENGLISH_!"] + + * * * * * + +A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +(_A SCENE OF TO-DAY, IN A SHAKSPEARIAN SETTING._) + +_Mr. Punch_. "How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of +'_We Three_?'" + +_Emperor_. Marry, forfend, _Mr. Punch_! Well quoted indeed, and, +pertinently, from the Swan! "A mellifluous, voice, as I am a true +Knight!" But talk not of things triune too openly, lest quidnuncs +overhear, and L-B-CH-RE devise thereanent fresh heckling +interrogations for the Treasury Bench. + +_Mr. Punch_. Nay, Kaiser; 'tis not the actual Triple, but the +conceivable Quadruple, that perturbs the importunates. _We_ Three form +an informal but fast-knit trinity, that can offend none but churls, +and affright none but dullards. Peace, Goodfellowship, Wit! By my +bauble, a triad that PYTHAGORAS himself might have favoured! Talking +of Threes, Kaiser, it's your third visit to us--and, believe me, you +are thrice welcome. + +_Emperor_. "Yea, and I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But +look you, pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at home" (as _Jack +Falstaff_ put it), that--you gird not too suspiciously at those who +would fain embrace her abroad! + +_Mr. Punch_. Well quoted, Sir, though not directed to _mine_ address. +But "A good wit will make use of anything. I will turn diseases to +commodity." Two diseases of the time are, faction and fussiness--the +one a fever, the other a prurigo. The one makes little of greatness, +the other makes much of littleness. You have been the mark of both, +young Hohenzollern! + +_Emperor_. "An't please you, it is the disease of not listening, the +malady of not marking, that _I_ am troubled withal." + +_Mr. Punch_. _Falstaff_ again, and pertinently applied. Fitly did the +Fat Knight say that he was not only witty himself, but the cause that +wit is in other men. + +_Prince_. By cock and pye, _Poins_,--_Punch_ I mean--am _I_ to be out +of this tournament of tags, this joust of quotations? Marry, not so! + + [_Grasps the EMPEROR's hand cordially._ + + "The Prince of WALES doth join with all the world + In praise of--Kaiser WILHELM; by my hopes, + I do not think a braver gentleman, + More active-valiant, or more valiant-young, + More daring, or more bold, is now alive + To grace this latter age with noble deeds." + +_Mr. Punch_. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your Royal Highness +has fairly capped us! _Harry Monmouth_, KAISER, could not more fitly +have + + "Trimmed up your praises with a princely tongue; + Spoke your deserving like a chronicle." + +and _Harry Hotspur_ less deserved the praise. + +_Emperor_. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in brevity." I can +but thank you both! (_To the PRINCE._) + + "By heavens, I cannot flatter; I defy + The tongues of soothers; but a braver place + In my heart's love hath no man than yourself." + +_Mr. Punch_. That's as it should be. If 'twere not always wholly +so--but no matter! I love not to speak in needless or heedless +dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," +but rather-- + + "As in reproof of many tales devised,-- + Which oft the ear of greatness needs must hear,-- + By smiling pick-thanks and base newsmongers." + +Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, _bien entendu_), hath armed us in advance +against even the latest developments of the detestable. The "base +newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned as carefully as the "smiling +pick-thanks." They would set strife between the two sides of a +sixpence or a sovereign. In vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should +admire Nephew, and Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or +better--for both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray +charge your glasses! Something _like_ a Triple Alliance! A Veritable +League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant as the +proceedings on board the _Cobra_ during her passage down the Elbe, +_n'est-ce pas_? No formal appending of Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, +or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual need we for our Amicable Treaty. +A handclasp and a Loving-cup shall suffice us for marking the happy +accord of Peace--Goodfellowship--Mirth!!! These be verily the "Central +Powers," which RUDINI _might_ have referred to when he said,--"Our +Alliance, firmly and sincerely maintained, will assure the Peace of +Europe for a long time to come." So mote it be! Let us toast them--in +a Bumper! + + [_Left doing so._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +"THE PRINCE OF WALES DOTH JOIN WITH ALL THE WORLD IN PRAISE OF--KAISER +WILHELM; BY MY HOPES, I DO NOT THINK A BRAVER GENTLEMAN, + +"MORE ACTIVE-VALIANT, OR MORE VALIANT-YOUNG, MORE DARING, OR MORE +BOLD, IS NOW ALIVE TO GRACE THIS LATTER AGE WITH NOBLE DEEDS."] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY REGATTA. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN OARSMAN._) + +Sir,--This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I +particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion +some remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, +were printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was +meant, and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had +since the occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take +care that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence +that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot +possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable +services to some other paper. The notes and prognostications which +I have laboriously compiled with regard to the final results of the +Regatta will arrive by the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be +found to be extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that +vivid and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous +throughout the civilised world. + +[Illustration] + +There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire +to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means +anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out +to you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an +occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You +said that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic +reporter who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far +degraded himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any +of the absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding +you were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, +I consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These +circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give me +advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much like to +ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are mostly in what +they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a condition of high +irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their tempers are, I +regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I don't wish to +show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands that I should +be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall +remain. + +In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled down to +Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal +Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with +lightships of every description." I remember some years ago passing +a very pleasant half hour on board of a lightship moored in the +neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward +with a lively pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon +as I arrived, therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a +gold anchor embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and +directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent +at least two hours on the river in company with that boy--a very +impudent little fellow,--but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I +failed to find a single vessel which could be fairly described as a +lightship. Finally the boy said they had all been sunk in yesterday's +great storm, and with that inadequate explanation I was forced to +content myself. But there is a mystery about this. Please explain it. + +Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place +announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why +should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, +some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me +a refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I +believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled +to refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be +necessary for them to set an example of true British endurance to the +crowds who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to +be paid for the performance of their duties. + +Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. +Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal +hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' +Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but +went away to execute my orders. After an absence of ten minutes he +returned, and informed me, with the Manager's compliments, that they +could not provide me with what I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup +was excellent. I gave the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is +only another example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of +these crass provincials. Kindly reply, _by wire_, about all the three +points I have mentioned. + +I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate +enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good +many maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look +something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding +along the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their +foolhardy recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. +I have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I +can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course +these ridiculous affairs can't be boats. + +Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very +difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in +this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short +way. + +Yours sincerely, + +THE MAN AT THE OAR. + +_Henley-on-Thames, July 4_. + + * * * * * + +A COMMON COMPLAINT. + +(_BY A DAILY VICTIM._) + +[Illustration] + + O Editors, who earn your daily bread + By giving us all kinds of information, + There's something that I fear ought to be said, + Which may--which will arouse your indignation; + For you may not be happy when it's more than hinted + Your news is such that we can't read it when it's printed. + + Yet I would have you fully understand + The real reason why I choose to quarrel + With what you print--your columns are not banned + Because their contents are at all immoral + Yet if there _is_ a scandal, though a small amount of it, + You sometimes soil your pages with a long account of it. + + Far other reasons urge me to reveal + My feelings on this matter--to assail your + Too common practice, and say why I feel + Your daily efforts are a daily failure; + Your paper by its columns and its size confuses me, + And worse--there's nothing in it in the least amuses me. + + Can you indeed in seriousness suppose-- + To me, I tell you, naught could be absurder-- + That anywhere at all there can be those + Who read the noisome details of a murder, + Or take delight in knowing that in such a county + Some teeming, triple mother earns the Royal Bounty? + + Ibsenity! Amid the maze of words + I find it difficult to pick my way right; + _This_ critic at the Master only girds, + _That_ promptly hails him as the "premier playwright." + Whilst I don't mind confessing that I swear right roundly + At mention of a subject that I hate profoundly. + + Then Parliament--without the slightest doubt + Of all dull things the dullest. What could be more + Distressing than to have to read about + The coming (?) KEAY, whose other name is SEYMOUR? + And now that Patriots' speeches flow with milk and honey, + They're very much less Irish, and of course less funny. + + The Bye-Elections _are_ a little fun, + I laugh to note the jubilant precision + With which you tell me that a seat that's won + Exactly counts two votes on a division, + Though this is all I care for, and am bored at knowing + How pleased is Mr. GLADSTONE with the tide that's flowing. + + Yet all these many, varied forms of pain + Are trifling, small and hardly worth attention. + One thing is so much worse--oh! pray again + The "epidemic" never, never mention, + And promptly tell your poet that the rhyme "cadenza" + Must never more be worked in for the Influenza! + + * * * * * + +DEFEAT--OR SOMETHING NEAR IT. + + When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar + The 'Varsities met in a contest of strength, + 7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would score + A win, which they did--by a lucky _half-length_: + And last week, when the thousands assembled at Lord's + To see Cambridge win by an innings--at Cricket's + Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards + The Light Blues the game--by a _couple of wickets_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY +NIGHT.] + + * * * * * + +A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS. + + The evening shadows gather round the room; + How full of joy it were to sit and greet + The twilight slowly deepening into gloom, + And in the cool forget the noontide heat. + The busy hum, the noise of passing feet, + Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar, + Did there not come to us from out the street, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom, + Approach, and disappear with footsteps fleet, + The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom, + Policemen slowly pace upon their beat. + We buy the blossoms with their fragrance sweet, + And only on our senses sadly jar + The noises of the ruffians who repeat, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The latest aspect of the latest boom, + The starting price of winners and of wheat, + The thousand lives lost in a late simoom, + A conflagration, or a bursting leat, + How gallant gentlemen can stoop to cheat, + The spicy current gossip of the Bar-- + Can all be found in this or that news-sheet, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + L'ENVOI. + + Friend, if you wish for happiness complete, + Look for it in some hamlet distant far. + Forget--where catkins blow and lambkins bleat-- + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--FISH-DIET.--I am writing an important historical work, +which takes a great deal out of my brain, and I shall be glad to know +what is the best kind of diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish +has been strongly recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for +breakfast take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a +herring and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be +necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of oysters be +best for tackling our early Constitutional History?--MACAULAY JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN. + +_Proud Father_ (_reading his Son's School Report_). "MANNERS +VULGAR--VERY VULGAR. BUT PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House, of Commons, Monday, June 29_.--Early promise of JAMES BAIN, +Knight, begins to be realised. Created profound sensation on night he +took his seat, by walking about with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him +with swift stern reproof. BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother +was about. Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go +and have a chat with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; +he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved +three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" and +SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having explained to +him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability +of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he +moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed +remainder of sitting in safety. + +[Illustration: Barran de Leeds.] + +Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat +below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he would stroll out. +Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on. Carefully +took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy +steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made +for the door. As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred +throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared +round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No doubt +about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those thrillingly +solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone +else's by any chance have got on his head? Passed his left hand over +massive brow. No, all right. Best thing to do would be to get off +premises as quickly as possible. So BAIN bolted. + +"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know you +mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an old one. I +know all the ropes in this machine. When you want anything ask me." + +"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask you what +I've done now?" + +"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member on his legs +and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by +the back of the Bench." + +After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached up in +Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden speech. Quite +delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was +sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a +Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School +Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and +original peroration. "Gentlemen," he said,--"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm +for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill." + +This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY FOWLER's. +That admirable in every way; a distinct and far advance on a +Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and ability; an epoch in +a Parliamentary career already notable for its steady progress. Pity +Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the triumph of the most promising of +his recruits of the '80 Parliament. + +_Business done_.--HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to Education Bill +negatived by 267 against 166. + +_Tuesday_.--"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, have not specially +lain in the domain of history," said Professor STOKES, in the course +of a brief address delivered to me in a corner of the Library. "The +pure dry light of mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for +me. Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial +points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had no one +prominently in English public affairs with quite the same influence +as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. The time +is gone by when kings were made and unmade. But my Right Hon. friend +has done more than anyone to make the present Ministry possible, +and, having made them, he claims the right to direct, and, in some +respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious phenomenon, very +curious indeed. If you were not so evidently in a hurry, I should like +to dilate upon it." + +[Illustration: "The pure dry light of Mathematics."] + +A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a rule, most +considerate in his attitude. At much pains to preserve an appearance +suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the Opposition Benches, and is +supposed to know no more of the secret councils and intentions of +the Ministry than anyone else in same quarter of House. Made a slip +in earlier stages of Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and +disclosed familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time +he spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same road. +Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across the table to +explain details of measure, he asked leave to introduce, dealing with +state of things in Highlands and Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN +being much interested in question, having marked it for his own, might +be supposed to have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was +drafted. All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary +Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if LORD-ADVOCATE would +briefly sketch his Bill. + +To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved Amendment +extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which fee grants would +be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, and protested thing +couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate went forward, Ministers +refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to look in after dinner; thinks it +would be well to accept Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, +a very model of debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. +Remarkable state of things; as a study more interesting even than +mathematics. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill in Committee. + +_Thursday_.--Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords for Committee stage. +House unusually crowded; quite animated in appearance; when at +length it gets into Committee LORD CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, +still wearing wig and gown, lends new air of grace and dignity to +Ministerial Bench. Sits between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the +MARKISS thinks of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine +nothing more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to +some half-dozen other of his colleagues. + +[Illustration: Lord Colchester.] + +Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to front, and +modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, once in while, +to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting over Clauses of Bill +in Committee. That sort of obscure labour might suit them, but not +the thing to attract the MCCULLUM MORE. Had already enjoyed himself +on Second Reading, delivering one of those orations which, as +COLCHESTER says, may be magnificent but are not debate. That should +have satisfied vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not +an ordinary man. There were several things he forgot to say in the +speech. Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping +progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in Committee he +must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers anxious to get on with +business, and his observations would probably not be reported. Thing +to do was to move Instruction to Committee. This would bring him on +first thing in a full House, before Peers had wearied themselves with +application to real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't +matter in what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his +speech. MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him _not_ to press +Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had served +its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE stalked off +home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee work. + +_Business done_.--Land Bill through Committee in Lords. + +_Friday Night_.--Education Bill through Committee. Last scene of all +a little lively owing to revolt on Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE +led it in speech of unwonted eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of +imagery: described School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; +that enough by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, +went on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge. + +Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the Member +for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to the House of +Commons _talks_, doesn't speechify; style excellent, and so is the +matter. House would like to hear a little oftener from JENNINGS; due +to it from Stockport who has also sent us GEDGE. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill through Committee. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST. + +THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE. + +[Illustration] + + We gave a little dinner; and I own, + Led by a wish with style to stamp the _fête_, + Palmed off, as though a butler of our own, + A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to wait."-- + I thought he seemed to sway beneath the fish-- + And stagger with a half familiar smile, + When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish + All comes of tryin' to do the thing in shtyle!" + I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix, + And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a Duke! + I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!" + Thus came on me that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + That banquet was our last. No more we "dined," + In, now and then, perchance a friend might drop. + It is our boast that he will ever find + At least the welcome of a homely chop. + Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile, + And can from ostentatious show refrain, + Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style," + I possibly once more may entertain! + And so,--I know not how it came about, + But if by chance, it is a happy fluke + That I at length without the slightest doubt + Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + * * * * * + +QUELCHING QUELCH.--Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour Commission, is said +to have expressed his opinion that "the liberty to combine should +not involve the liberty not to combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that +without "liberty not to combine" there _cannot_ be any "liberty to +combine." For if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, +it is obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is +hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would leave the +workman none. + + * * * * * + +A MASK ON A MASK. + + [A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn during + the hours of sleep, is designed to remove wrinkles.] + + Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face, + Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny ringlets, + Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace, + And flitted like a fairy borne on winglets + From boy to boy, and flirted here and there + With that unchanging smile of rouged enamel, + I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare, + And since the needle's eye doth bar the camel, + 'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase youth, + And peaceful age become a ceaseless playtime; + Still, if you'd wear _two_ masks to hide the truth, + Oh, wear this last one always _in the daytime_." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 11, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13270 *** |