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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13270-0.txt b/13270-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eda9501 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1331 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13270 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 11, 1891. + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +MORE _POT-POURRI_ FROM THE PARK. + + SCENE--_The Park, near Cumberland Gate, on almost any fine + afternoon. Behind the rails separating the turf from the + paths, Orators, Preachers, and Reciters are holding forth, + for the delectation of small groups, who are mostly engaged in + discussing some totally different subject. A set debate, with + a time-limit, and a purely ornamental Chairman, is in progress + between a Parnellite and an Anti-Parnellite. The reader will + kindly imagine himself to be passing slowly along the line._ + +_A Youthful Socialist_ (_haranguing the usual crowd of well-to-do +loungers, and working himself up to the requisite white-heat of +factitious fury_). And what are these Capitalists? I'll tell yer. Jest +a lot o' greedy gobblers and profit-mongering sharks, as eat up the +smaller fry. And what are _you_? Why, you're the small fish as +eat mud--and let yourselves _be_ gobbled! (_The crowd accept this +definition of themselves with perfect gaiety and good-humour._) Some +will tell yer that these lazy, idle loafers, work as hard as what we +do ourselves. (_Derisive laughter at this ridiculous idea._) Mind yer, +I'm not saying they don't. _Honly_, the 'arder they work, the worse +it is for us; because the more they work the more they _rob_! That's +what they send their sons to Oxford and to Cambridge--as was built and +endowed for the benefit of us, the labourin' classes--for. They send +'em there to learn _'ow to rob_! + + [_Here a discussion breaks out between a Sceptic and a + Spiritualist, who, with half-a-dozen interested auditors, + have been putting their heads together in a corner._ + +_The Sceptic_. No,--but keep to the point,--you're shufflin' the +question. I want to argue this out on logical grounds. I know as +well as _you_ do that, if only I 'ave 'armony and a round table in my +family, I can make that table dance the poker--but what I'm puttin' +to _you_ is (_triumphantly_), 'ow does that prove to me as I'm in +communication with the Bogie Man? That's what _you've_ got to answer. + +[Illustration: "Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!"] + +_The Y.S._. We Soshalists 'ate the Tories as we 'ate sin. Why, young +polertician as I ham, &c., &c. + +_The Spiritualist_ (_an elderly and earnest person_). All I can +reply to you is, we Spiritualists do not think--we _know_ that these +phenomena appear--yes, as surely as I know I am 'olding this stick in +my 'and. + +_The Sceptic_ (_pityingly_). There you go again, yer see--that +stick ain't the point. _I_ can see the stick. A stick ain't a +phenomena--you're confusin' two different things. Now I'm goin' to +offer you a fair challenge. You perdooce me a Spirit--not in a back +room, with the lights out, but _'ere_, in broad daylight, in this +Park--you get that Spirit to naturalise itself, or whatever you call +it, and I'll _believe_ in 'im. Come, now! + +_A Bystander_. Ah, that's the way to corner _'is_ sort. 'E knows 'e +carn't _do_ it! + +_The Spiritualist_ (_with a smile of sad superiority_). Ridicule ain't +argyment. [_The discussion continues._ + +_The Young Socialist_. Don't tork to me of Patriotism! What have the +likes of you and me got to be patriotic about? I'm a Universalist, I +am, and so long as a man rallies round our glorious Red Flag (_here he +waves a dingy scarlet rag on a stick_), it's all one to me whether his +own colour is black, yeller, green, brown, _or_ white! + + [_Applause._ + +_Reciter Number One_ (_in the midst of a thrilling prose narrative +about a certain_ "'ARRY," _who has apparently got into legal +difficulties for having thrown a cocoa-nut stick at a retired +Colonel_). Well, I went into the Court 'ouse, and there, sure enough, +was my pore mate 'ARRY in the dock, and there was hold Ginger-whiskers +(_laughter_) a setting on the bench along with the hother beaks, +lookin' biliouser, and pepperier, and more happerplecticker nor ever! +"Prison-ar," he sez, addressin' 'ARRY (_imitation of the voice and +manner of a retired Colonel_), "Prison-ar, 'ave you--har--hanythink +to say in your beyarf--har?" And then, hall of a sudden, I sor a +flash come into my dear 'ole comride 'ARRY's heyes, as he strightened +'imself in the dock, and gave the milingtery sloot, and then, in a +voice as sounded as true and sweet and clear as a bell, he sez-- + +_A Dingy and Unprepossessing Preacher_ (_unctuously_). Well beloved +friends, as I was telling yer, I went 'ome to the 'ouse of that pious +Methodist lady, and she told me as 'ow she 'ad two dear unconverted +sons, an' I knelt down (_&c., &c._), an' after that we 'ad our tea, +and then I preached a sermon--ah, I well remember I took my tex from +(_&c. &c._)--an' then she gave me supper (_more unctuously still_), as +nice a bit o' cold beef and 'ome-brewed ale as ever I wish to taste, +and I slep' that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed--and this +(_drawing the inevitable moral_) this brings me round to what I +started on, inasmuch as it proves (_with a forbidding smile_) as 'ow +yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares! + +_Reciter Number Two_ (_giving his own private version of "The Ticket +of Leave Man."_) Fourpence 'ap'ny, Gentlemen, is _not_ a very 'arty +nor corjial recognition of my talent; _'owever_, I will now perceed +with the Drarmer. The Curtain rises upon the Second Hact. Hover three +years 'ave elapsed since _Robert Brierley_--(&c.) We are in _May +Hedwardses_ lodgings. She is torkin to 'er goldfinch. If you boys +don't give over larkin' and stand back, you'll get a cuff on some +of your 'eds. "Goldie," she sez, "I've 'ad a letter from _'Im_ this +morning!" And the bird puts his little 'ed a one side, and a'most +seems as if he compre'ended 'er meanin'! _Mrs. Willoughby_ is 'eard +outside sayin', "May I come in?" I will now hendeavour to give you a +imitation of _Mrs. Willoughby_. + + [_He cocks his hat rather more on one side, to indicate + feminine garrulity, and continues._ + +_Anti-Parnellite Irishman_ (_warmly_). Is it kape to the point? Oi +till that white-feeced an' black-hearrted loiar, TIM MURPHY, that if +he interrups me wance more whoile o'im in possession o' the chair, +oi'll step down an' call 'm to orrder by landin' 'um a clump on the +conk! + +_Reciter Number Three_ (_who is working his way through a +bloodcurdling poem, with a hat on the ground before him_):-- + + And on came them maddened 'orses, with their foiery, smokin' breath; + As were bearin' the woman I lurved to a crule and 'orrible death! + [_Pathetically._ + 'Ow could I save my darlin' from layin' a mangled 'eap + On the grorss below where the buttercups blow, along of the innercent sheep! + (_Wildly._) I felt my brine was reeling--I'adn't a minnit to lose! + [_He strains forward, in agony._ + With a stifled prayer, and a gasp for air, I-- + + [_Here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked penny + on the grass, and replaces it carefully in the hat before + proceeding._ + +_First Bystander_ (_discussing Physical Courage with a friend_). No, +I never 'ad no pluck. I don't see the use of it myself--on'y gits you +into rows'. (_Candidly._) I'm a blanky coward, I am. + +_His Friend_ (_admiringly_). Give us yer 'and. Yer can't be a blankier +coward than _me_! + +_The A.P._ (_with just pride_). Oi've been wan o' the biggest +libertines in this or anny other city in me toime--there's no +blagardhism oi'd have put beyant me--but oi till ye this. If PARNELL +was to come up to me here, now, and ask me to sheek um by the hand, +oi'd say, "Shtand back, ye d----d scoundthrel!" Ah, oi would _that_! + +_Belated Orator_ (_perorating to an embarrassed stranger on a seat +before him, under a muddled impression that he is addressing a +spell-bound multitude_). I tell yer--yes, hevery man, and hevery woman +among yer--(_Here he bends forward, and touches his hearer's right and +left elbow impressively_) don't you go away under the impression I'm +talking of what I don't understan'! (_The Stranger shifts his leg and +looks another way_.) I speak sense, don't I? _You_ never 'eard nothin' +like this afore, _any_ of yer, _'ave_ yer? That's because I read +between the lines! (_Waving his arm wildly._) An' I want heach man +and boy of you to 'member my words, and _hact_ upon them when the time +comes! + + [_Here he staggers off with a proud and exalted air, to the + immense relief of his hearer._ + +_A Professional Pietist_ (_with a modest working capital of one hymn +and a nasal drone_). "My richest gynes" ... (_To Charitable Passer_. A +copper, Sir? bless your kind 'art!) "I cayount" ... (_Examining it._ +A bloomin' French 'ap'ny!) ... "but loss; And pour contemp'" ... (Call +yerself a Christian gen'lman, yer--&c.) ... "on a--a--ll my proide!" + + (_Here the Reader will probably have had enough of it._) + + * * * * * + +A REAL TREAT.--_Advice to Covent-gardeners_.--If _Carmen_ is to be +done again this season with the same cast as it had on Saturday last, +no one who cares for an exceptionally first-rate performance should +miss this opera-tunity. There is no better representative of _Carmen_ +than Mlle. ZELIE DE LUSSAN,--how can there be, since the Spanish +Gipsy heroine of the plot is herself a _Loose 'un_? Madame MELBA +was charming as _Mickie Ella_, the Irish girl in Spain. M. LASSALLE +appeared as _Escamillo_. the bull-fighter, in a novel, and doubtless +a correct, costume, and his great _Toréador_ song was vociferously +encored. Then, finally, JEAN DE RESKÉ, who made of the usually idiotic +_Don José_ a fine acting as well as a fine singing part. It drew a +big house, and would have been a pretty dish to set before an Emperor +on Wednesday, if, on that occasion, the Opera itself were the only +consideration. + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE KING'S ABDICATION. + +[Illustration] + + "My palate is parched with Pierian thirst, + Away to Parnassus I'm beckoned." + I sing of the glories of Fire King the First! + (Who's fit to be Fire King the Second?) + + Captain EYRE MASSEY SHAW is a "Sovereign" indeed, + Abdicating? Alas! that too true is; + For he's a Fire King of a different breed + From the Monarch described by MONK LEWIS. + + No mere King of Flames, fiery-faced _à la_ SKELT, + Inhabiting regions most torrid, + With a breath that is warranted copper to melt, + And eyes indescribably horrid. + + He hath not a blazing Bardolphian nose, + He is not _flamboyant_ or furious; + His Crown's a brass helmet, his Sceptre a hose; + True Fire King,--all others are spurious. + + For he rules the flames; he has done so for long; + And now that he talks of retiring, + Men mourn for the fire-queller cautious and strong, + Whose reign they've so long been admiring. + + Clear-headed, cool Captain, great chief M.F.B., + All London is sorry to lose you; + As kindly as kingly, from prejudice free; + No danger could daunt or confuse you. + + As doffing your helmet, and dropping your hose, + You bid us farewell, we all own you + As one of Fiend Fire's most redoubtable foes; + As that thirty years we have known you. + + Our Big Boards might job, and our Big Wigs might jaw, + But, spite of their tricks and their cackle, + One Chief we could trust; we were sure that our SHAW + His duty would manfully tackle. + + So farewell, great Fire King! Your crown you lay by; + E'en you cannot lay by your credit. + Ignipotent Knight? Well, you ought to stand high + In the next Honour-List! _Punch_ has said it! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +(SECOND LETTER.--B.) + +_THE MAGNUM OPUS._ + +[Illustration] + +_À propos_ of this heading, what a treasure a _Magnum Opal_ would be. +This remark is only "by the way." My motto is Business First, Play (on +words) afterwards. So to work. + +I really think I shall take to Guide-book writing. _Grandolph's +Guides_ would be immensely popular. I'm sure I can do it--for upon +my word I can do a'most anything if I only buckle to. By the way, +'_Buckle_' suggests history. Can go in for "making history" when I've +done this work. WILLIAMS--not MONTAGU the Magistrate--(good title this +for something)--but my friend the Companionable Captain ---- is at +work; when he has done, he reads out a few descriptive paragraphs for +my approbation, or the contrary. When I nod it means that I like it; +when I don't nod, he has to wait till I do. I generally begin nodding +about the middle of the first paragraph. + +"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, "I'm glad you like it +all so much." + +"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my pyjamas, +and wondering to myself how I could have been so absorbed in his +reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked havannah tumble on to the +floor. + +"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a half," +returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; peppery chap, the +Captain,--'Curried' Captain when on board Sir DONALD's boat,--but to +resume. Says the Curried Captain, still a bit annoyed, "You passed all +the paragraphs, one after the other, and whenever I stopped to ask you +how you liked it, you nodded." + +I didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the fact is +that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone and, I fancy, +that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging by the moiety of my +cigar. I must have fallen fast asleep. + +"That's posted, is it?" I ask, evading further explanation. "It is," +he answers. "But I've got another lot--" + +"Good!" I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from experience +I say it, if I don't take myself when in the humour--'on the hop,' so +to speak, as they said of the _scarabæus_ in Kent--(trust _me_ for +natural history and plenty of it)--I'm no use at all. Now at this +moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another fragrant +weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't the smallest idea +what became of the one I ordered when the Gallant Graphist commenced +reading; I rather suspect he 'put it to his lips when so dispoged,' +and that, in this instance also, he mistook my nod for silent but +emphatic encouragement. + +"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable Author, "you +read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and I'll chuck in +the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's _my_ drink," I say, with an +emphasis on the possessive pronoun, for the Soldierly Scribe, in a +moment of absorption, was about to apply that process to my liquor. He +apologises handsomely, and commences his recital. In the absence of a +gong,--one ought never to travel without a gong,--I whack the tea-tray +with a paper-knife. "All in to begin!" + +"_The mail train_," &c., &c. I make my notes, and remark that MURRAY +and BRADSHAW lost a great chance in not having long ago secured the +services of the Corresponding Captain. "_The railroad passes through +mountain scenery of exceptional_," &c., &c. BRADSHAW and MURRAY, not +to mention BAEDEKER and BLACK, absolutely not in it with the Wandering +Warrior. "_About thirty miles from Cape Town_"-- + +A SIMPLE SUGGESTION. + +I stop him at this point. "Couldn't we have a song here?" + +"Why?" asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling his +moustache. + +"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About thirty +miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of _Within a Mile of +Edinboro' Town_." + +"Don't see it," says the Virtuous Veteran, stolidly. + +"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is my way, +"if it's a song, I'll make _several notes_ of it." + +"Um!" growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him in an +attempt at surprising my outpost, i.e., my tumbler of cool drink. He +apologises gruffly but politely, and then continues his reading. + +ON WE GOES AGAIN. + +He continues to read about "_distances," "so many feet above +sea-levels," "engineering skill_," &c., &c., which I observe to him +will all make capital padding for a guide-book, when I am suddenly +struck by the sound of the word I had just used, _viz._, 'padding.' + +PADDINGTON. + +"By Jove!" I exclaim. + +"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his MS. + +"'Padding,'" I reply--"Only add a 'ton' to it, and that will give it +just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask him, impetuously. +But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at his moustache. I explain +the idea, as if it were a charade. I say, "The whole notion is +'padding--ton.' See?" + +The Ruminating Reader thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I urge--"it +will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without anecdote? Now +for an anecdote; and I knock one off, _sur le champ_, about the +engine-driver, the stoker, and several other persons, all on the +look-out for promotion, informing me of their being _Paddington men +of considerable political influence at home_. The Cautious Captain +accepts the anecdote, interpolates it, and after I have called for and +imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted another cigar, +the Conscientious Captain resumes his entertainment." + +NO PIANO. + +He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will he take +something? No? Then _I_ will. His health, and song--I mean 'treatise,' +or whatever he calls it--say 'lecture.' Wish we'd had a piano. Never +will travel without one again. _Mem._--Gong and piano. I don't pretend +to be a thorough musician, but as a one-fingered player I'd give Sir +CHARLES HALLÉ odds and beat him. Now then--let's see where were we. +Another tumbler iced. Good. _Allez!_ Captain, go ahead! + +[Illustration] + +Somehow or another, after this--that is, I can only time it by the +fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth glass of iced drink, or +it may have been my half-dozenth, for time does fly so,--the Captain +having, I suspect, drank the greater part of the previous one whenever +I didn't happen to be looking that way--I begin to think I must have +once more given my assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of which I +could not nave heard more than three pages, as, when I arouse myself +from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the Captain has gone out, and +so has my cigar. + +AWAY! AWAY! + +"Action is the word!" said I, suddenly jumping up; and, having seized +a spade, and provided myself with a large sack, which I carried across +my shoulders, I set off for the diamond-fields. Unrecognised by a +soul, I went to work on my own account; and the brilliant things I +saw--far more brilliant than even the witticisms of WOLFFY, or the +sarcasms of ARTHUR B! Into my sack go thousands of diamonds! The sack +is full! _Aladdin_ and the Lamp not in it with me! "Hallo!" shouts +a voice, gruffly. I could see no one. "_Vox et præterea nil_," as we +used to say at Eton. Suddenly I felt myself collared. I made a gallant +attempt at resistance. A spade is a spade I know, but what is a +spade and one against twenty with pistols and daggers, headed by the +redoubtable Filliblusterer THOMAS TIDDLER himself? "Strip him!" said +T.T., shortly. + +[Illustration] + +Will you believe that the only way in which in this country they +arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by denuding +you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked truth, holding you +up by the heels for the purpose of shaking the diamonds out of you, in +case any are concealed in your hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth. + +"He has diamonds on the brain!" I hear some ruffian exclaim, and in +another second-- + + * * * * * + +Well--what happened I cannot tell you: I must have fainted. When I +came to myself I was lying by the chair in which I had been previously +sitting when listening to the Captain's reading, and bending over me +with a glass of water in his hand, was the faithful and clever Doctor +whose companionship on this voyage of discovery I am daily and hourly +learning to appreciate at its proper value. I fancy the ship's crew +were round about me, with the Engineer and the Chaplain. I feel +inclined to say, "HARDY, HARDY, kiss me, HARDY!" and then something +about "Tell them at home"--but the words stick in my throat, as they +did in _Macbeth's_ throat (only they were other words) when he was on +his throat-sticking expedition. (Little Shakspearian reference thrown +in here, and no extra charge.) + +"How many of these has he had?" I hear the Doctor say, and I perceived +that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should like to explain +that, as we were engaged in composition, there had been 'composing +draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the Clever Captain's voice in +reply, but the next minute I felt myself being lifted up and carried +off. I wished to tell them of my strange adventure, and how I had +barely escaped with my life, but somehow drowsiness overcame me, and +I must have fallen asleep. + +BUSINESS AS BEFORE. + +To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I asked the +Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor "if they had seen anything +of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they only smiled at one +another, elevated their eyebrows, then winked, and laughed. + +What is their little game? + +No matter. I will lie low. My motto is "Diamonds are trumps." I'm not +here as _Aladdin_ for nothing. "Aha!" as the old melodramatic villain +used to say, "a time will come! No mattar!" + +RATHER CURRIE-OUS! + +I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a DONALD CURRIE +steamer--'twas the first opportunity that ever I had of tasting a +DONALD CURRIE, and excellent it is, as of course, was all our "board" +on board--(send this joke to WOLFFY--he'll work it up and make a real +_impromptu_ sparkler of it--and I don't grudge him the _kudos_ of it, +not one little bit)--or to the change of air, but I am bound to say +openly that I do think the G.O.M. has been right about most things, +especially about Majuba (who was _Pa_ JUBA? Send this to DRUMMY +WOLFFY), and--well, I shall have more to say on this subject. If this +meets the eye of any friendly person, will he kindly remember me to my +Uncle? Thanks. That's the ticket. More anon. + +[Illustration: (Signature) Grandolph the Explorer.] + + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY. + +The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves into a +nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let as many people +as possibel see the grate show on Friday. They has acshally bin and +ordered a grate bilding with rows of seats, out in Gildhall Yard, +enuff to hold about a thousand Ladies and Gentlemen, all in their best +close, with capital views of ewerybody and ewerythink, and now they +are told that it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing to heat +or to drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least three +hours! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun Horspitality +after that! + +I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy acshally +surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and their sweet had +all gone home, all the whole thousand starving wisitors should be +turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and drink all the fragments +as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery kind and thortful of you as +regards the harf-starved wisitors, but how about us Waiters? You, with +all your experience, ewidentally don't know the wally of what such +eminent Swells as Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates, and +the skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Why, I have acshally seen +with my own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring of me which chair +a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down and kiss its harm, +wich was nex to kissin _his_ hand, and then give harf-a-crown for +harf a happel as was left on the plate! Ah, that's what I calls true +loyalty, and werry much it is admired by all of us. + +I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the Hemperer, +has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on both sides of +the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to Gildhall. And in +case the estonishing site shood make him feel just a leetle dazed, the +jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone and hired no less than three +Millingterry Bands of Music to play to him, and cheer him up. + +There was a talk of engaging all the many German Bands, as makes our +streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade at Lunch; but Mr. +WEST HILL, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, thort it might be too much +for His Madjesty's feelinx, so the highdear was given up. I werily +bleeves that of all the many anxious buzzoms as is a beating with +suppressed emotion for next Friday, the carmest and the all serenest +of the lot is that of ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE." + + A volume most welcome on table or desk + Is DAVENPORT ADAMS's _Book of Burlesque_. + He deals with the subject from earliest days, + To modern examples and Gaiety plays. + We've extracts from PLANCHÉ and GILBERT to hand, + With puns ta'en from BYRON and jokes from BURNAND. + There's fun at your asking wherever you look, + And not a dull page you'll declare in the book. + You'll find it delightful, for no one Macadams + The road of the reader like DAVENPORT ADAMS. + + * * * * * + +LIBERTY AND LICENCE.--It is said that _The Maske of Flowers_ would +never have drawn gold on Monday last to the coffers of that excellent +charity, the Convalescent Home at Westgate-on-Sea had not one of the +Prominent Performers consented to become the responsible and actual +Manager of the "Theatre Royal, Inner Temple." By the terms of his +licence he was bound, amongst other things, to see that no smoking was +permitted in the auditorium, no exhibition of wild beasts was allowed +on the premises, and no hanging took place from the flies. It is +satisfactory to learn (that, in spite of many Benchers being present) +none of these wholesome regulations were infringed. It is true that +the Music of the _Maske_ was duly executed, but then this painful +operation was conducted (by Mr. PRENDERGAST) from the floor of +the building, and not from its roof. Thus the orders of the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN were strictly observed by a Barrister, who can now claim +to have been Manager of a genuine Temple of the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A REMINDER.--Mr. EDMUND B.V. CHRISTIAN, in _Baily's Magazine_, quoted +by the _P.M.G._ last Thursday, complains "that cricket, the most +popular of games, fills so small a space in literature." Does he +forget that CHARLES DICKENS devoted one entire Christmas Book to _The +Cricket on the Hearth_? + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. I.--TO SOCIAL AMBITION. + +DEAR SIR, OR MADAM, + +I trust you will observe and appreciate the discreet ambiguity of +style with which I have chosen to address you. I may assure you at +once that I have done this not without considerable thought. For, +though I have often watched you in the exercise of your energies, I +have never yet been able to satisfy myself as to whether I ought to +class you amongst our rougher sex, or include you in the ranks of +those who wear high heels, and very low dresses. Sometimes you fix +your place of business in a breast adequately covered by a stiff and +shining shirt-front and a well-cut waistcoat. Sometimes you inhabit +the expansive bosom of a matron. Nor do you confine yourself to one +class alone out of the many that go to the composition of our social +life. You have impelled grocers to ludicrous pitches of absurdity; +you have driven the wife of a working-man to distraction because her +neighbour's front room possesses a more expensive carpet, of a sprucer +pattern than her own. Clerks have suffered acutely from your stings, +and actresses have spent many a sleepless night under your malign +influence. You have tortured Dukes on the peaks of gracious splendour +where they sit enthroned as far above common mortals as they ought to +be above the common feeling of envy; and you have caused even Queens +to writhe because there happened to be a few stray Empresses in the +world. + +[Illustration] + +On the whole, then, I think I do wisely in leaving the question of +your sex a doubtful one. You would wish it so left yourself, otherwise +so powerful a personality as yours would, I am certain, have revealed +itself with greater clearness to an honest investigator, such as +I humbly trust I have proved myself. But, be that as it may, I can +assert with perfect confidence that you are no respecter of persons, +though it must, in fairness, be added, that one of your chief +functions seems to be to implant an exaggerated respect and admiration +of others in the minds of your victims. In saying this I praise your +impartiality, while I hint a dislike of your ordinary methods. Not +that I have any hope of causing you to desist. For to desist would be +to cease to exist, and I cannot fairly expect you to commit suicide, +however much I may desire it. Moreover, your subjects--for, to be +candid, you are a despot--seem to like you. You minister so craftily +to their self-esteem, you flatter their vanity with an adroitness +so remarkable, that, after a few feeble struggles, they resign +themselves, body and soul, to your thrall. Even then you proceed +warily. Your first labour is to collect, with patient care, all the +little elements of dissatisfaction that are latent in every nature, +and to blend them with the petty disappointments to which even the +best of us are liable. The material thus obtained you temper with +intentions that seem to be good, and eventually you forge out of it a +weapon of marvellous point and sharpness, with which you mercilessly +goad your victims along the path that leads to ridicule and disaster. + +Let me take an instance which I am sure you will remember. When +I first met little DABCHICK, I thought I had never seen a happier +mortal. He was clever, good-natured, and sprightly. He sold tea +somewhere in Mincing Lane, and on the proceeds of his sales he managed +to support a wife and two pleasant children in reasonable comfort +at Balham. Mrs. DABCHICK could not be accused by her best friends of +over-refinement, but everybody agreed that she was just the homely, +comfortable, housewifely person who would always make DABCHICK happy, +and be a good and careful mother to his children. Often in the old +days when I came down to Balham and took pot-luck with DABCHICK, while +Mrs. DABCHICK beamed serenity and middle-class satisfaction upon me +from the other end of the table, and the juvenile JOHNNY DABCHICK +recited in a piping treble one of Mr. GEORGE R. SIMS's most moving +pieces for our entertainment, often, I say, have I envied the simple +happiness of that family, and gone back to my bachelor chambers with +an increased sense of dissatisfaction. Why, I thought to myself, had +fate denied to me the peaceful domesticity of the DABCHICKS? I was as +good a man as DABCHICK, probably, if the truth were known, a better +than he. Yet there he was with a good wife, an agreeable family, and +a comfortable income to compensate him for his extravagance with the +letter h, while I had to toil and moil in solitary gloom. + +Now, however, all is changed. In an evil moment for himself, DABCHICK +speculated largely and successfully in the Gold Trust of Guatemala. In +a very short time his income was multiplied by ten. The usual results +followed. The happy home in Balham was given up. "People about here," +said DABCHICK, "are such poor snobs"--and a more ornate mansion in +South Kensington was taken in its stead. The old friends and the +old habits were dropped. JOHNNY DABCHICK was sent to Eton with an +immoderate allowance of pocket-money, and was promptly christened +"PEKOE" by his schoolfellows. Mrs. DABCHICK rides in a huge landau +with blue wheels, and leaves cards on the fringes of the aristocracy. +DABCHICK himself aspires to Parliament, and never keeps the same +circle of friends for more than about six months. He knows one shady +Viscount to whom rumour asserts that he has lent immense sums of +Guatemalan money, and the approach of a Marquis makes him palpitate +with emotion. But he is a profoundly miserable man. Of that I am +assured. It amuses me when I meet him in pompous society to address +him lightly as "DAB," and remind him of the dear old Balham days, and +the huge amount of bird's-eye we used to smoke together. For his motto +now is, "_Delenda est Balhamia_"--I speak of course figuratively--and +half-crown havannahs have usurped the place of the honest briar. I +know the poor wretch is making up his mind to cut me, but I must bear +it as best I may. + +Now, my dear Sir or Madam, for this melancholy deterioration in the +DABCHICKS you are entirely responsible. I am saddened as I contemplate +it, and I appeal to you. Scarify Dukes and Duchesses, make vain and +useless social prigs as miserable as you like, but leave the DABCHICKS +of this world alone. They are simple folk, and really I cannot think +that the game is worth the candle. + +Believe me to be, your obedient servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +BROADLY SPEAKING. + +Advised by friend to try Norfolk Broads for holiday. Oulton Broad, +Wroxham Broad, Fritton Decoy (curious name!), Yare, Waveney, and no +end of other rivers. Yachting, shooting, fishing, pretty scenery, +divine air, he says. Have come down to Yarmouth for a start. + +Up the Bure in a yacht, and into river Thurne. All right so far. Fish +scarce. My pilot says, "wait till I get to Hickling Broad. _Full_ of +bream and roach." I agree to wait. + +In Hickling Broad. Surprised to find notice-boards up all round +saying, "sailing" is prohibited in the Broad, also fishing and +shooting! "What's the meaning of this?" I ask pilot. He says, "it's +all the doings of the Lord of the Manor." Wants to keep the Broad free +from tourists. He certainly does it "as to the Manor born." Quite a +village autocrat. Shall I be the "Village HAMPDEN?" I will. + +Fishing. Several men on bank shouting at me. One comes off in a boat +and serves me with a summons. This might almost be called a Broad hint +to go away! But I don't go. I stop and fish. Another man comes off in +boat and threatens me with action "on behalf of riparian owners." Tell +him "ripe-pear-ian season isn't till Autumn, and I shall wait here +till then." He doesn't see the joke--perhaps too broad for him. + +Other yachtsmen, we hear, have been stopped, and threatened. Yachtsmen +up in arms generally. Savage artists wander along banks, denouncing +Lord of Manor of Hickling. Say they have "right of way" along banks +(sounds as if they were Railway Guards). Hear that Lord of Manor is +going to put a gunboat on Broad, also torpedoes. Hear, also, that +Wroxham Broad--one of the biggest--is to be closed in same way. + +Disgusted at such inhospitality. Back to Yarmouth. Give up yacht, +and decide to go to Switzerland instead. Find Yarmouth yacht-owners +furious with Hickling's Lord of Bad Manners. Say "closing the Broads +will ruin them." Very likely, but it'll help the foreign hotel-keeper. +Glad to see they've started a "Norfolk Broads Protection Society," +subscriptions to be sent to Lloyd's Bank. "I know a Bank"--and all +lovers of natural scenery and popular rights ought to know it too, and +help in giving the Hickling obstructionist a "heckling," when he takes +the matter (also the Manor) into Court. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. + +"SEEN THE _ENFANT PRODIGUE_, MR. SOFTEY?" + +"NO; WAITING TILL THEY DO IT IN _ENGLISH_!"] + + * * * * * + +A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +(_A SCENE OF TO-DAY, IN A SHAKSPEARIAN SETTING._) + +_Mr. Punch_. "How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of +'_We Three_?'" + +_Emperor_. Marry, forfend, _Mr. Punch_! Well quoted indeed, and, +pertinently, from the Swan! "A mellifluous, voice, as I am a true +Knight!" But talk not of things triune too openly, lest quidnuncs +overhear, and L-B-CH-RE devise thereanent fresh heckling +interrogations for the Treasury Bench. + +_Mr. Punch_. Nay, Kaiser; 'tis not the actual Triple, but the +conceivable Quadruple, that perturbs the importunates. _We_ Three form +an informal but fast-knit trinity, that can offend none but churls, +and affright none but dullards. Peace, Goodfellowship, Wit! By my +bauble, a triad that PYTHAGORAS himself might have favoured! Talking +of Threes, Kaiser, it's your third visit to us--and, believe me, you +are thrice welcome. + +_Emperor_. "Yea, and I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But +look you, pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at home" (as _Jack +Falstaff_ put it), that--you gird not too suspiciously at those who +would fain embrace her abroad! + +_Mr. Punch_. Well quoted, Sir, though not directed to _mine_ address. +But "A good wit will make use of anything. I will turn diseases to +commodity." Two diseases of the time are, faction and fussiness--the +one a fever, the other a prurigo. The one makes little of greatness, +the other makes much of littleness. You have been the mark of both, +young Hohenzollern! + +_Emperor_. "An't please you, it is the disease of not listening, the +malady of not marking, that _I_ am troubled withal." + +_Mr. Punch_. _Falstaff_ again, and pertinently applied. Fitly did the +Fat Knight say that he was not only witty himself, but the cause that +wit is in other men. + +_Prince_. By cock and pye, _Poins_,--_Punch_ I mean--am _I_ to be out +of this tournament of tags, this joust of quotations? Marry, not so! + + [_Grasps the EMPEROR's hand cordially._ + + "The Prince of WALES doth join with all the world + In praise of--Kaiser WILHELM; by my hopes, + I do not think a braver gentleman, + More active-valiant, or more valiant-young, + More daring, or more bold, is now alive + To grace this latter age with noble deeds." + +_Mr. Punch_. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your Royal Highness +has fairly capped us! _Harry Monmouth_, KAISER, could not more fitly +have + + "Trimmed up your praises with a princely tongue; + Spoke your deserving like a chronicle." + +and _Harry Hotspur_ less deserved the praise. + +_Emperor_. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in brevity." I can +but thank you both! (_To the PRINCE._) + + "By heavens, I cannot flatter; I defy + The tongues of soothers; but a braver place + In my heart's love hath no man than yourself." + +_Mr. Punch_. That's as it should be. If 'twere not always wholly +so--but no matter! I love not to speak in needless or heedless +dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," +but rather-- + + "As in reproof of many tales devised,-- + Which oft the ear of greatness needs must hear,-- + By smiling pick-thanks and base newsmongers." + +Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, _bien entendu_), hath armed us in advance +against even the latest developments of the detestable. The "base +newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned as carefully as the "smiling +pick-thanks." They would set strife between the two sides of a +sixpence or a sovereign. In vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should +admire Nephew, and Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or +better--for both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray +charge your glasses! Something _like_ a Triple Alliance! A Veritable +League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant as the +proceedings on board the _Cobra_ during her passage down the Elbe, +_n'est-ce pas_? No formal appending of Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, +or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual need we for our Amicable Treaty. +A handclasp and a Loving-cup shall suffice us for marking the happy +accord of Peace--Goodfellowship--Mirth!!! These be verily the "Central +Powers," which RUDINI _might_ have referred to when he said,--"Our +Alliance, firmly and sincerely maintained, will assure the Peace of +Europe for a long time to come." So mote it be! Let us toast them--in +a Bumper! + + [_Left doing so._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +"THE PRINCE OF WALES DOTH JOIN WITH ALL THE WORLD IN PRAISE OF--KAISER +WILHELM; BY MY HOPES, I DO NOT THINK A BRAVER GENTLEMAN, + +"MORE ACTIVE-VALIANT, OR MORE VALIANT-YOUNG, MORE DARING, OR MORE +BOLD, IS NOW ALIVE TO GRACE THIS LATTER AGE WITH NOBLE DEEDS."] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY REGATTA. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN OARSMAN._) + +Sir,--This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I +particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion +some remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, +were printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was +meant, and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had +since the occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take +care that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence +that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot +possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable +services to some other paper. The notes and prognostications which +I have laboriously compiled with regard to the final results of the +Regatta will arrive by the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be +found to be extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that +vivid and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous +throughout the civilised world. + +[Illustration] + +There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire +to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means +anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out +to you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an +occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You +said that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic +reporter who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far +degraded himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any +of the absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding +you were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, +I consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These +circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give me +advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much like to +ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are mostly in what +they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a condition of high +irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their tempers are, I +regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I don't wish to +show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands that I should +be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall +remain. + +In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled down to +Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal +Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with +lightships of every description." I remember some years ago passing +a very pleasant half hour on board of a lightship moored in the +neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward +with a lively pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon +as I arrived, therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a +gold anchor embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and +directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent +at least two hours on the river in company with that boy--a very +impudent little fellow,--but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I +failed to find a single vessel which could be fairly described as a +lightship. Finally the boy said they had all been sunk in yesterday's +great storm, and with that inadequate explanation I was forced to +content myself. But there is a mystery about this. Please explain it. + +Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place +announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why +should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, +some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me +a refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I +believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled +to refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be +necessary for them to set an example of true British endurance to the +crowds who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to +be paid for the performance of their duties. + +Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. +Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal +hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' +Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but +went away to execute my orders. After an absence of ten minutes he +returned, and informed me, with the Manager's compliments, that they +could not provide me with what I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup +was excellent. I gave the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is +only another example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of +these crass provincials. Kindly reply, _by wire_, about all the three +points I have mentioned. + +I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate +enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good +many maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look +something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding +along the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their +foolhardy recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. +I have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I +can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course +these ridiculous affairs can't be boats. + +Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very +difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in +this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short +way. + +Yours sincerely, + +THE MAN AT THE OAR. + +_Henley-on-Thames, July 4_. + + * * * * * + +A COMMON COMPLAINT. + +(_BY A DAILY VICTIM._) + +[Illustration] + + O Editors, who earn your daily bread + By giving us all kinds of information, + There's something that I fear ought to be said, + Which may--which will arouse your indignation; + For you may not be happy when it's more than hinted + Your news is such that we can't read it when it's printed. + + Yet I would have you fully understand + The real reason why I choose to quarrel + With what you print--your columns are not banned + Because their contents are at all immoral + Yet if there _is_ a scandal, though a small amount of it, + You sometimes soil your pages with a long account of it. + + Far other reasons urge me to reveal + My feelings on this matter--to assail your + Too common practice, and say why I feel + Your daily efforts are a daily failure; + Your paper by its columns and its size confuses me, + And worse--there's nothing in it in the least amuses me. + + Can you indeed in seriousness suppose-- + To me, I tell you, naught could be absurder-- + That anywhere at all there can be those + Who read the noisome details of a murder, + Or take delight in knowing that in such a county + Some teeming, triple mother earns the Royal Bounty? + + Ibsenity! Amid the maze of words + I find it difficult to pick my way right; + _This_ critic at the Master only girds, + _That_ promptly hails him as the "premier playwright." + Whilst I don't mind confessing that I swear right roundly + At mention of a subject that I hate profoundly. + + Then Parliament--without the slightest doubt + Of all dull things the dullest. What could be more + Distressing than to have to read about + The coming (?) KEAY, whose other name is SEYMOUR? + And now that Patriots' speeches flow with milk and honey, + They're very much less Irish, and of course less funny. + + The Bye-Elections _are_ a little fun, + I laugh to note the jubilant precision + With which you tell me that a seat that's won + Exactly counts two votes on a division, + Though this is all I care for, and am bored at knowing + How pleased is Mr. GLADSTONE with the tide that's flowing. + + Yet all these many, varied forms of pain + Are trifling, small and hardly worth attention. + One thing is so much worse--oh! pray again + The "epidemic" never, never mention, + And promptly tell your poet that the rhyme "cadenza" + Must never more be worked in for the Influenza! + + * * * * * + +DEFEAT--OR SOMETHING NEAR IT. + + When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar + The 'Varsities met in a contest of strength, + 7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would score + A win, which they did--by a lucky _half-length_: + And last week, when the thousands assembled at Lord's + To see Cambridge win by an innings--at Cricket's + Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards + The Light Blues the game--by a _couple of wickets_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY +NIGHT.] + + * * * * * + +A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS. + + The evening shadows gather round the room; + How full of joy it were to sit and greet + The twilight slowly deepening into gloom, + And in the cool forget the noontide heat. + The busy hum, the noise of passing feet, + Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar, + Did there not come to us from out the street, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom, + Approach, and disappear with footsteps fleet, + The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom, + Policemen slowly pace upon their beat. + We buy the blossoms with their fragrance sweet, + And only on our senses sadly jar + The noises of the ruffians who repeat, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The latest aspect of the latest boom, + The starting price of winners and of wheat, + The thousand lives lost in a late simoom, + A conflagration, or a bursting leat, + How gallant gentlemen can stoop to cheat, + The spicy current gossip of the Bar-- + Can all be found in this or that news-sheet, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + L'ENVOI. + + Friend, if you wish for happiness complete, + Look for it in some hamlet distant far. + Forget--where catkins blow and lambkins bleat-- + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--FISH-DIET.--I am writing an important historical work, +which takes a great deal out of my brain, and I shall be glad to know +what is the best kind of diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish +has been strongly recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for +breakfast take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a +herring and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be +necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of oysters be +best for tackling our early Constitutional History?--MACAULAY JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN. + +_Proud Father_ (_reading his Son's School Report_). "MANNERS +VULGAR--VERY VULGAR. BUT PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House, of Commons, Monday, June 29_.--Early promise of JAMES BAIN, +Knight, begins to be realised. Created profound sensation on night he +took his seat, by walking about with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him +with swift stern reproof. BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother +was about. Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go +and have a chat with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; +he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved +three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" and +SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having explained to +him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability +of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he +moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed +remainder of sitting in safety. + +[Illustration: Barran de Leeds.] + +Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat +below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he would stroll out. +Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on. Carefully +took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy +steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made +for the door. As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred +throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared +round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No doubt +about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those thrillingly +solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone +else's by any chance have got on his head? Passed his left hand over +massive brow. No, all right. Best thing to do would be to get off +premises as quickly as possible. So BAIN bolted. + +"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know you +mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an old one. I +know all the ropes in this machine. When you want anything ask me." + +"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask you what +I've done now?" + +"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member on his legs +and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by +the back of the Bench." + +After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached up in +Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden speech. Quite +delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was +sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a +Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School +Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and +original peroration. "Gentlemen," he said,--"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm +for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill." + +This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY FOWLER's. +That admirable in every way; a distinct and far advance on a +Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and ability; an epoch in +a Parliamentary career already notable for its steady progress. Pity +Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the triumph of the most promising of +his recruits of the '80 Parliament. + +_Business done_.--HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to Education Bill +negatived by 267 against 166. + +_Tuesday_.--"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, have not specially +lain in the domain of history," said Professor STOKES, in the course +of a brief address delivered to me in a corner of the Library. "The +pure dry light of mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for +me. Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial +points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had no one +prominently in English public affairs with quite the same influence +as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. The time +is gone by when kings were made and unmade. But my Right Hon. friend +has done more than anyone to make the present Ministry possible, +and, having made them, he claims the right to direct, and, in some +respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious phenomenon, very +curious indeed. If you were not so evidently in a hurry, I should like +to dilate upon it." + +[Illustration: "The pure dry light of Mathematics."] + +A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a rule, most +considerate in his attitude. At much pains to preserve an appearance +suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the Opposition Benches, and is +supposed to know no more of the secret councils and intentions of +the Ministry than anyone else in same quarter of House. Made a slip +in earlier stages of Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and +disclosed familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time +he spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same road. +Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across the table to +explain details of measure, he asked leave to introduce, dealing with +state of things in Highlands and Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN +being much interested in question, having marked it for his own, might +be supposed to have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was +drafted. All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary +Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if LORD-ADVOCATE would +briefly sketch his Bill. + +To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved Amendment +extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which fee grants would +be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, and protested thing +couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate went forward, Ministers +refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to look in after dinner; thinks it +would be well to accept Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, +a very model of debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. +Remarkable state of things; as a study more interesting even than +mathematics. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill in Committee. + +_Thursday_.--Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords for Committee stage. +House unusually crowded; quite animated in appearance; when at +length it gets into Committee LORD CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, +still wearing wig and gown, lends new air of grace and dignity to +Ministerial Bench. Sits between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the +MARKISS thinks of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine +nothing more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to +some half-dozen other of his colleagues. + +[Illustration: Lord Colchester.] + +Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to front, and +modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, once in while, +to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting over Clauses of Bill +in Committee. That sort of obscure labour might suit them, but not +the thing to attract the MCCULLUM MORE. Had already enjoyed himself +on Second Reading, delivering one of those orations which, as +COLCHESTER says, may be magnificent but are not debate. That should +have satisfied vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not +an ordinary man. There were several things he forgot to say in the +speech. Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping +progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in Committee he +must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers anxious to get on with +business, and his observations would probably not be reported. Thing +to do was to move Instruction to Committee. This would bring him on +first thing in a full House, before Peers had wearied themselves with +application to real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't +matter in what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his +speech. MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him _not_ to press +Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had served +its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE stalked off +home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee work. + +_Business done_.--Land Bill through Committee in Lords. + +_Friday Night_.--Education Bill through Committee. Last scene of all +a little lively owing to revolt on Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE +led it in speech of unwonted eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of +imagery: described School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; +that enough by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, +went on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge. + +Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the Member +for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to the House of +Commons _talks_, doesn't speechify; style excellent, and so is the +matter. House would like to hear a little oftener from JENNINGS; due +to it from Stockport who has also sent us GEDGE. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill through Committee. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST. + +THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE. + +[Illustration] + + We gave a little dinner; and I own, + Led by a wish with style to stamp the _fête_, + Palmed off, as though a butler of our own, + A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to wait."-- + I thought he seemed to sway beneath the fish-- + And stagger with a half familiar smile, + When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish + All comes of tryin' to do the thing in shtyle!" + I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix, + And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a Duke! + I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!" + Thus came on me that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + That banquet was our last. No more we "dined," + In, now and then, perchance a friend might drop. + It is our boast that he will ever find + At least the welcome of a homely chop. + Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile, + And can from ostentatious show refrain, + Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style," + I possibly once more may entertain! + And so,--I know not how it came about, + But if by chance, it is a happy fluke + That I at length without the slightest doubt + Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + * * * * * + +QUELCHING QUELCH.--Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour Commission, is said +to have expressed his opinion that "the liberty to combine should +not involve the liberty not to combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that +without "liberty not to combine" there _cannot_ be any "liberty to +combine." For if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, +it is obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is +hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would leave the +workman none. + + * * * * * + +A MASK ON A MASK. + + [A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn during + the hours of sleep, is designed to remove wrinkles.] + + Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face, + Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny ringlets, + Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace, + And flitted like a fairy borne on winglets + From boy to boy, and flirted here and there + With that unchanging smile of rouged enamel, + I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare, + And since the needle's eye doth bar the camel, + 'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase youth, + And peaceful age become a ceaseless playtime; + Still, if you'd wear _two_ masks to hide the truth, + Oh, wear this last one always _in the daytime_." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 11, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13270 *** diff --git a/13270-h/13270-h.htm b/13270-h/13270-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1cbdae2 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/13270-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1980 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, July 11, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13270 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 11, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>MORE <i>POT-POURRI</i> FROM THE PARK.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Park, near Cumberland Gate, on almost + any fine afternoon. Behind the rails separating the turf + from the paths, Orators, Preachers, and Reciters are + holding forth, for the delectation of small groups, who are + mostly engaged in discussing some totally different + subject. A set debate, with a time-limit, and a purely + ornamental Chairman, is in progress between a Parnellite + and an Anti-Parnellite. The reader will kindly imagine + himself to be passing slowly along the line.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Youthful Socialist</i> (<i>haranguing the usual crowd + of well-to-do loungers, and working himself up to the requisite + white-heat of factitious fury</i>). And what are these + Capitalists? I'll tell yer. Jest a lot o' greedy gobblers and + profit-mongering sharks, as eat up the smaller fry. And what + are <i>you</i>? Why, you're the small fish as eat mud—and + let yourselves <i>be</i> gobbled! (<i>The crowd accept this + definition of themselves with perfect gaiety and + good-humour.</i>) Some will tell yer that these lazy, idle + loafers, work as hard as what we do ourselves. (<i>Derisive + laughter at this ridiculous idea.</i>) Mind yer, I'm not saying + they don't. <i>Honly</i>, the 'arder they work, the worse it is + for us; because the more they work the more they <i>rob</i>! + That's what they send their sons to Oxford and to + Cambridge—as was built and endowed for the benefit of us, + the labourin' classes—for. They send 'em there to learn + <i>'ow to rob</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here a discussion breaks out between a</i> Sceptic + <i>and a</i> Spiritualist, <i>who, with half-a-dozen + interested auditors, have been putting their heads together + in a corner.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Sceptic</i>. No,—but keep to the + point,—you're shufflin' the question. I want to argue + this out on logical grounds. I know as well as <i>you</i> do + that, if only I 'ave 'armony and a round table in my family, I + can make that table dance the poker—but what I'm puttin' + to <i>you</i> is (<i>triumphantly</i>), 'ow does that prove to + me as I'm in communication with the Bogie Man? That's what + <i>you've</i> got to answer.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13.png" + alt="'Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!'" /> + </a>"Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!" + </div> + + <p><i>The Y.S.</i>. We Soshalists 'ate the Tories as we 'ate + sin. Why, young polertician as I ham, &c., &c.</p> + + <p><i>The Spiritualist</i> (<i>an elderly and earnest + person</i>). All I can reply to you is, we Spiritualists do not + think—we <i>know</i> that these phenomena + appear—yes, as surely as I know I am 'olding this stick + in my 'and.</p> + + <p><i>The Sceptic</i> (<i>pityingly</i>). There you go again, + yer see—that stick ain't the point. <i>I</i> can see the + stick. A stick ain't a phenomena—you're confusin' two + different things. Now I'm goin' to offer you a fair challenge. + You perdooce me a Spirit—not in a back room, with the + lights out, but <i>'ere</i>, in broad daylight, in this + Park—you get that Spirit to naturalise itself, or + whatever you call it, and I'll <i>believe</i> in 'im. Come, + now!</p> + + <p><i>A Bystander</i>. Ah, that's the way to corner <i>'is</i> + sort. 'E knows 'e carn't <i>do</i> it!</p> + + <p><i>The Spiritualist</i> (<i>with a smile of sad + superiority</i>). Ridicule ain't argyment.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The discussion continues.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Young Socialist</i>. Don't tork to me of Patriotism! + What have the likes of you and me got to be patriotic about? + I'm a Universalist, I am, and so long as a man rallies round + our glorious Red Flag (<i>here he waves a dingy scarlet rag on + a stick</i>), it's all one to me whether his own colour is + black, yeller, green, brown, <i>or</i> white!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Applause.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reciter Number One</i> (<i>in the midst of a thrilling + prose narrative about a certain</i> "'ARRY," <i>who has + apparently got into legal difficulties for having thrown a + cocoa-nut stick at a retired Colonel</i>). Well, I went into + the Court 'ouse, and there, sure enough, was my pore mate 'ARRY + in the dock, and there was hold Ginger-whiskers + (<i>laughter</i>) a setting on the bench along with the hother + beaks, lookin' biliouser, and pepperier, and more + happerplecticker nor ever! "Prison-ar," he sez, addressin' + 'ARRY (<i>imitation of the voice and manner of a retired + Colonel</i>), "Prison-ar, 'ave you—har—hanythink to + say in your beyarf—har?" And then, hall of a sudden, I + sor a flash come into my dear 'ole comride 'ARRY's heyes, as he + strightened 'imself in the dock, and gave the milingtery sloot, + and then, in a voice as sounded as true and sweet and clear as + a bell, he sez—</p> + + <p><i>A Dingy and Unprepossessing Preacher</i> + (<i>unctuously</i>). Well beloved friends, as I was telling + yer, I went 'ome to the 'ouse of that pious Methodist lady, and + she told me as 'ow she 'ad two dear unconverted sons, an' I + knelt down (<i>&c., &c.</i>), an' after that we 'ad our + tea, and then I preached a sermon—ah, I well remember I + took my tex from (<i>&c. &c.</i>)—an' then she + gave me supper (<i>more unctuously still</i>), as nice a bit o' + cold beef and 'ome-brewed ale as ever I wish to taste, and I + slep' that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed—and + this (<i>drawing the inevitable moral</i>) this brings me round + to what I started on, inasmuch as it proves (<i>with a + forbidding smile</i>) as 'ow yer may sometimes hentertain a + angel unawares!</p> + + <p><i>Reciter Number Two</i> (<i>giving his own private version + of "The Ticket of Leave Man."</i>) Fourpence 'ap'ny, Gentlemen, + is <i>not</i> a very 'arty nor corjial recognition of my + talent; <i>'owever</i>, I will now perceed with the Drarmer. + The Curtain rises upon the Second Hact. Hover three years 'ave + elapsed since <i>Robert Brierley</i>—(&c.) We are in + <i>May Hedwardses</i> lodgings. She is torkin to 'er goldfinch. + If you boys don't give over larkin' and stand back, you'll get + a cuff on some of your 'eds. "Goldie," she sez, "I've 'ad a + letter from <i>'Im</i> this morning!" And the bird puts his + little 'ed a one side, and a'most seems as if he compre'ended + 'er meanin'! <i>Mrs. Willoughby</i> is 'eard outside sayin', + "May I come in?" I will now hendeavour to give you a imitation + of <i>Mrs. Willoughby</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He cocks his hat rather more on one side, to + indicate feminine garrulity, and continues.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Anti-Parnellite Irishman</i> (<i>warmly</i>). Is it kape + to the point? Oi till that white-feeced an' black-hearrted + loiar, TIM MURPHY, that if he interrups me wance more whoile + o'im in possession o' the chair, oi'll step down an' call 'm to + orrder by landin' 'um a clump on the conk!</p> + + <p><i>Reciter Number Three</i> (<i>who is working his way + through a bloodcurdling poem, with a hat on the ground before + him</i>):—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And on came them maddened 'orses, with their foiery, + smokin' breath;</p> + + <p>As were bearin' the woman I lurved to a crule and + 'orrible death! [<i>Pathetically.</i></p> + + <p>'Ow could I save my darlin' from layin' a mangled + 'eap</p> + + <p>On the grorss below where the buttercups blow, along + of the innercent sheep!</p> + + <p>(<i>Wildly.</i>) I felt my brine was + reeling—I'adn't a minnit to lose! [<i>He strains + forward, in agony.</i></p> + + <p>With a stifled prayer, and a gasp for air, + I—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked + penny on the grass, and replaces it carefully in the hat + before proceeding.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Bystander</i> (<i>discussing Physical Courage with + a friend</i>). No, I never 'ad no pluck. I don't see the use of + it myself—on'y gits you into rows'. (<i>Candidly.</i>) + I'm a blanky coward, I am.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i> (<i>admiringly</i>). Give us yer 'and. Yer + can't be a blankier coward than <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The A.P.</i> (<i>with just pride</i>). Oi've been wan o' + the biggest libertines in this or anny other city in me + toime—there's no blagardhism oi'd have put beyant + me—but oi till ye this. If PARNELL was to come up to me + here, now, and ask me to sheek um by the hand, oi'd say, + "Shtand back, ye d——d scoundthrel!" Ah, oi would + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Belated Orator</i> (<i>perorating to an embarrassed + stranger on a seat before him, under a muddled impression that + he is addressing a spell-bound multitude</i>). I tell + yer—yes, hevery man, and hevery woman among + yer—(<i>Here he bends forward, and touches his hearer's + right and left elbow impressively</i>) don't you go away under + the impression I'm talking of what I don't understan'! (<i>The + Stranger shifts his leg and looks another way</i>.) I speak + sense, don't I? <i>You</i> never 'eard nothin' like this afore, + <i>any</i> of yer, <i>'ave</i> yer? That's because I read + between the lines! (<i>Waving his arm wildly</i>.) An' I want + heach man and boy of you to 'member my words, and <i>hact</i> + upon them when the time comes!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here he staggers off with a proud and exalted air, + to the immense relief of his hearer.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Professional Pietist</i> (<i>with a modest working + capital of one hymn and a nasal drone</i>). "My richest gynes" + ... (<i>To Charitable Passer</i>. A copper, Sir? bless your + kind 'art!) "I cayount" ... (<i>Examining it.</i> A bloomin' + French 'ap'ny!) ... "but loss; And pour contemp'" ... (Call + yerself a Christian gen'lman, yer—&c.) ... "on + a—a—ll my proide!"</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Here the Reader will probably have had enough of + it.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A REAL TREAT.—<i>Advice to + Covent-gardeners</i>.—If <i>Carmen</i> is to be done + again this season with the same cast as it had on Saturday + last, no one who cares for an exceptionally first-rate + performance should miss this opera-tunity. There is no better + representative of <i>Carmen</i> than Mlle. ZELIE DE + LUSSAN,—how can there be, since the Spanish Gipsy heroine + of the plot is herself a <i>Loose 'un</i>? Madame MELBA was + charming as <i>Mickie Ella</i>, the Irish girl in Spain. M. + LASSALLE appeared as <i>Escamillo</i>. the bull-fighter, in a + novel, and doubtless a correct, costume, and his great + <i>Toréador</i> song was vociferously encored. Then, finally, + JEAN DE RESKÉ, who made of the usually idiotic <i>Don José</i> + a fine acting as well as a fine singing part. It drew a big + house, and would have been a pretty dish to set before an + Emperor on Wednesday, if, on that occasion, the Opera itself + were the only consideration.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE FIRE KING'S + ABDICATION.</h2><a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My palate is parched with Pierian thirst,</p> + + <p class="i2">Away to Parnassus I'm beckoned."</p> + + <p>I sing of the glories of Fire King the + First!</p> + + <p class="i2">(Who's fit to be Fire King the + Second?)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Captain EYRE MASSEY SHAW is a "Sovereign" + indeed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Abdicating? Alas! that too true + is;</p> + + <p>For he's a Fire King of a different breed</p> + + <p class="i2">From the Monarch described by MONK + LEWIS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No mere King of Flames, fiery-faced <i>à la</i> + SKELT,</p> + + <p class="i2">Inhabiting regions most torrid,</p> + + <p>With a breath that is warranted copper to + melt,</p> + + <p class="i2">And eyes indescribably horrid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He hath not a blazing Bardolphian nose,</p> + + <p class="i2">He is not <i>flamboyant</i> or + furious;</p> + + <p>His Crown's a brass helmet, his Sceptre a + hose;</p> + + <p class="i2">True Fire King,—all others are + spurious.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For he rules the flames; he has done so for + long;</p> + + <p class="i2">And now that he talks of + retiring,</p> + + <p>Men mourn for the fire-queller cautious and + strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose reign they've so long been + admiring.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Clear-headed, cool Captain, great chief + M.F.B.,</p> + + <p class="i2">All London is sorry to lose you;</p> + + <p>As kindly as kingly, from prejudice free;</p> + + <p class="i2">No danger could daunt or confuse + you.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As doffing your helmet, and dropping your + hose,</p> + + <p class="i2">You bid us farewell, we all own + you</p> + + <p>As one of Fiend Fire's most redoubtable + foes;</p> + + <p class="i2">As that thirty years we have known + you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our Big Boards might job, and our Big Wigs might + jaw,</p> + + <p class="i2">But, spite of their tricks and their + cackle,</p> + + <p>One Chief we could trust; we were sure that our + SHAW</p> + + <p class="i2">His duty would manfully tackle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So farewell, great Fire King! Your crown you lay + by;</p> + + <p class="i2">E'en you cannot lay by your + credit.</p> + + <p>Ignipotent Knight? Well, you ought to stand + high</p> + + <p class="i2">In the next Honour-List! <i>Punch</i> + has said it!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>(SECOND LETTER.—B.)</h3> + + <h4><i>The Magnum Opus.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/15-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>À propos</i> of this heading, what a treasure a <i>Magnum + Opal</i> would be. This remark is only "by the way." My motto + is Business First, Play (on words) afterwards. So to work.</p> + + <p>I really think I shall take to Guide-book writing. + <i>Grandolph's Guides</i> would be immensely popular. I'm sure + I can do it—for upon my word I can do a'most anything if + I only buckle to. By the way, '<i>Buckle</i>' suggests history. + Can go in for "making history" when I've done this work. + WILLIAMS—not MONTAGU the Magistrate—(good title + this for something)—but my friend the Companionable + Captain —— is at work; when he has done, he reads + out a few descriptive paragraphs for my approbation, or the + contrary. When I nod it means that I like it; when I don't nod, + he has to wait till I do. I generally begin nodding about the + middle of the first paragraph.</p> + + <p>"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, "I'm glad + you like it all so much."</p> + + <p>"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my + pyjamas, and wondering to myself how I could have been so + absorbed in his reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked + havannah tumble on to the floor.</p> + + <p>"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a + half," returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; + peppery chap, the Captain,—'Curried' Captain when on + board Sir DONALD's boat,—but to resume. Says the Curried + Captain, still a bit annoyed, "You passed all the paragraphs, + one after the other, and whenever I stopped to ask you how you + liked it, you nodded."</p> + + <p>I didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the + fact is that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone + and, I fancy, that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging + by the moiety of my cigar. I must have fallen fast asleep.</p> + + <p>"That's posted, is it?" I ask, evading further explanation. + "It is," he answers. "But I've got another lot—"</p> + + <p>"Good!" I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from + experience I say it, if I don't take myself when in the + humour—'on the hop,' so to speak, as they said of the + <i>scarabæus</i> in Kent—(trust <i>me</i> for natural + history and plenty of it)—I'm no use at all. Now at this + moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another + fragrant weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't + the smallest idea what became of the one I ordered when the + Gallant Graphist commenced reading; I rather suspect he 'put it + to his lips when so dispoged,' and that, in this instance also, + he mistook my nod for silent but emphatic encouragement.</p> + + <p>"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable Author, + "you read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and + I'll chuck in the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's <i>my</i> + drink," I say, with an emphasis on the possessive pronoun, for + the Soldierly Scribe, in a moment of absorption, was about to + apply that process to my liquor. He apologises handsomely, and + commences his recital. In the absence of a gong,—one + ought never to travel without a gong,—I whack the + tea-tray with a paper-knife. "All in to begin!"</p> + + <p>"<i>The mail train</i>," &c., &c. I make my notes, + and remark that MURRAY and BRADSHAW lost a great chance in not + having long ago secured the services of the Corresponding + Captain. "<i>The railroad passes through mountain scenery of + exceptional</i>," &c., &c. BRADSHAW and MURRAY, not to + mention BAEDEKER and BLACK, absolutely not in it with the + Wandering Warrior. "<i>About thirty miles from Cape + Town</i>"—</p> + + <h4>A SIMPLE SUGGESTION.</h4> + + <p>I stop him at this point. "Couldn't we have a song + here?"</p> + + <p>"Why?" asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling + his moustache.</p> + + <p>"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About + thirty miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of <i>Within + a Mile of Edinboro' Town</i>."</p> + + <p>"Don't see it," says the Virtuous Veteran, stolidly.</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is + my way, "if it's a song, I'll make <i>several notes</i> of + it."</p> + + <p>"Um!" growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him + in an attempt at surprising my outpost, <i>i.e.</i>, my tumbler + of cool drink. He apologises gruffly but politely, and then + continues his reading.</p> + + <h4>ON WE GOES AGAIN.</h4> + + <p>He continues to read about "<i>distances," "so many feet + above sea-levels," "engineering skill</i>," &c., &c., + which I observe to him will all make capital padding for a + guide-book, when I am suddenly struck by the sound of the word + I had just used, <i>viz.</i>, 'padding.'</p> + + <h4>PADDINGTON.</h4> + + <p>"By Jove!" I exclaim.</p> + + <p>"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his + MS.</p> + + <p>"'Padding,'" I reply—"Only add a 'ton' to it, and that + will give it just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask + him, impetuously. But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at + his moustache. I explain the idea, as if it were a charade. I + say, "The whole notion is 'padding—ton.' See?"</p> + + <p>The Ruminating Reader thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I + urge—"it will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without + anecdote? Now for an anecdote; and I knock one off, <i>sur le + champ</i>, about the engine-driver, the stoker, and several + other persons, all on the look-out for promotion, informing me + of their being <i>Paddington men of considerable political + influence at home</i>. The Cautious Captain accepts the + anecdote, interpolates it, and after I have called for and + imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted another + cigar, the Conscientious Captain resumes his + entertainment."</p> + + <h4>NO PIANO.</h4> + + <p>He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will + he take something? No? Then <i>I</i> will. His health, and + song—I mean 'treatise,' or whatever he calls it—say + 'lecture.' Wish we'd had a piano. Never will travel without one + again. <i>Mem.</i>—Gong and piano. I don't pretend to be + a thorough musician, but as a one-fingered player I'd give Sir + CHARLES HALLÉ odds and beat him. Now then—let's see where + were we. Another tumbler iced. Good. <i>Allez!</i> Captain, go + ahead!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/15-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Somehow or another, after this—that is, I can only + time it by the fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth + glass of iced drink, or it may have been my half-dozenth, for + time does fly so,—the Captain having, I suspect, drank + the greater part of the previous one whenever I didn't happen + to be looking that way—I begin to think I must have once + more given my assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of which I + could not nave heard more than three pages, as, when I arouse + myself from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the Captain has + gone out, and so has my cigar.</p> + + <h4>AWAY! AWAY!</h4> + + <p>"Action is the word!" said I, suddenly jumping up; and, + having seized a spade, and provided myself with a large sack, + which I carried across my shoulders, I set off for the + diamond-fields. Unrecognised by a soul, I went to work on my + own account; <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> and the brilliant things I + saw—far more brilliant than even the witticisms of + WOLFFY, or the sarcasms of ARTHUR B! Into my sack go + thousands of diamonds! The sack is full! <i>Aladdin</i> and + the Lamp not in it with me! "Hallo!" shouts a voice, + gruffly. I could see no one. "<i>Vox et præterea nil</i>," + as we used to say at Eton. Suddenly I felt myself collared. + I made a gallant attempt at resistance. A spade is a spade I + know, but what is a spade and one against twenty with + pistols and daggers, headed by the redoubtable + Filliblusterer THOMAS TIDDLER himself? "Strip him!" said + T.T., shortly.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/16-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Will you believe that the only way in which in this country + they arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by + denuding you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked + truth, holding you up by the heels for the purpose of shaking + the diamonds out of you, in case any are concealed in your + hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth.</p> + + <p>"He has diamonds on the brain!" I hear some ruffian exclaim, + and in another second—</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Well—what happened I cannot tell you: I must have + fainted. When I came to myself I was lying by the chair in + which I had been previously sitting when listening to the + Captain's reading, and bending over me with a glass of water in + his hand, was the faithful and clever Doctor whose + companionship on this voyage of discovery I am daily and hourly + learning to appreciate at its proper value. I fancy the ship's + crew were round about me, with the Engineer and the Chaplain. I + feel inclined to say, "HARDY, HARDY, kiss me, HARDY!" and then + something about "Tell them at home"—but the words stick + in my throat, as they did in <i>Macbeth's</i> throat (only they + were other words) when he was on his throat-sticking + expedition. (Little Shakspearian reference thrown in here, and + no extra charge.)</p> + + <p>"How many of these has he had?" I hear the Doctor say, and I + perceived that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should + like to explain that, as we were engaged in composition, there + had been 'composing draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the + Clever Captain's voice in reply, but the next minute I felt + myself being lifted up and carried off. I wished to tell them + of my strange adventure, and how I had barely escaped with my + life, but somehow drowsiness overcame me, and I must have + fallen asleep.</p> + + <h4>BUSINESS AS BEFORE.</h4> + + <p>To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I + asked the Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor "if they had + seen anything of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they + only smiled at one another, elevated their eyebrows, then + winked, and laughed.</p> + + <p>What is their little game?</p> + + <p>No matter. I will lie low. My motto is "Diamonds are + trumps." I'm not here as <i>Aladdin</i> for nothing. "Aha!" as + the old melodramatic villain used to say, "a time will come! No + mattar!"</p> + + <h4>RATHER CURRIE-OUS!</h4> + + <p>I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a DONALD + CURRIE steamer—'twas the first opportunity that ever I + had of tasting a DONALD CURRIE, and excellent it is, as of + course, was all our "board" on board—(send this joke to + WOLFFY—he'll work it up and make a real <i>impromptu</i> + sparkler of it—and I don't grudge him the <i>kudos</i> of + it, not one little bit)—or to the change of air, but I am + bound to say openly that I do think the G.O.M. has been right + about most things, especially about Majuba (who was <i>Pa</i> + JUBA? Send this to DRUMMY WOLFFY), and—well, I shall have + more to say on this subject. If this meets the eye of any + friendly person, will he kindly remember me to my Uncle? + Thanks. That's the ticket. More anon. + <a href="images/16-2.png"><img class="inline" + src="images/16-2.png" + width="50%" + alt="(Signature) Grandolph the Explorer." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY.</h2> + + <p>The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves + into a nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let + as many people as possibel see the grate show on Friday. They + has acshally bin and ordered a grate bilding with rows of + seats, out in Gildhall Yard, enuff to hold about a thousand + Ladies and Gentlemen, all in their best close, with capital + views of ewerybody and ewerythink, and now they are told that + it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing to heat or to + drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least three + hours! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun + Horspitality after that!</p> + + <p>I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy + acshally surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and + their sweet had all gone home, all the whole thousand starving + wisitors should be turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and + drink all the fragments as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery + kind and thortful of you as regards the harf-starved wisitors, + but how about us Waiters? You, with all your experience, + ewidentally don't know the wally of what such eminent Swells as + Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates, and the + skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Why, I have acshally + seen with my own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring of me + which chair a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down + and kiss its harm, wich was nex to kissin <i>his</i> hand, and + then give harf-a-crown for harf a happel as was left on the + plate! Ah, that's what I calls true loyalty, and werry much it + is admired by all of us.</p> + + <p>I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the + Hemperer, has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on + both sides of the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to + Gildhall. And in case the estonishing site shood make him feel + just a leetle dazed, the jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone + and hired no less than three Millingterry Bands of Music to + play to him, and cheer him up.</p> + + <p>There was a talk of engaging all the many German Bands, as + makes our streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade + at Lunch; but Mr. WEST HILL, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, + thort it might be too much for His Madjesty's feelinx, so the + highdear was given up. I werily bleeves that of all the many + anxious buzzoms as is a beating with suppressed emotion for + next Friday, the carmest and the all serenest of the lot is + that of ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A volume most welcome on table or desk</p> + + <p>Is DAVENPORT ADAMS's <i>Book of Burlesque</i>.</p> + + <p>He deals with the subject from earliest days,</p> + + <p>To modern examples and Gaiety plays.</p> + + <p>We've extracts from PLANCHÉ and GILBERT to hand,</p> + + <p>With puns ta'en from BYRON and jokes from + BURNAND.</p> + + <p>There's fun at your asking wherever you look,</p> + + <p>And not a dull page you'll declare in the book.</p> + + <p>You'll find it delightful, for no one Macadams</p> + + <p>The road of the reader like DAVENPORT ADAMS.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>LIBERTY AND LICENCE.—It is said that <i>The Maske of + Flowers</i> would never have drawn gold on Monday last to the + coffers of that excellent charity, the Convalescent Home at + Westgate-on-Sea had not one of the Prominent Performers + consented to become the responsible and actual Manager of the + "Theatre Royal, Inner Temple." By the terms of his licence he + was bound, amongst other things, to see that no smoking was + permitted in the auditorium, no exhibition of wild beasts was + allowed on the premises, and no hanging took place from the + flies. It is satisfactory to learn (that, in spite of many + Benchers being present) none of these wholesome regulations + were infringed. It is true that the Music of the <i>Maske</i> + was duly executed, but then this painful operation was + conducted (by Mr. PRENDERGAST) from the floor of the building, + and not from its roof. Thus the orders of the LORD CHAMBERLAIN + were strictly observed by a Barrister, who can now claim to + have been Manager of a genuine Temple of the Drama.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A REMINDER.—Mr. EDMUND B.V. CHRISTIAN, in <i>Baily's + Magazine</i>, quoted by the <i>P.M.G.</i> last Thursday, + complains "that cricket, the most popular of games, fills so + small a space in literature." Does he forget that CHARLES + DICKENS devoted one entire Christmas Book to <i>The Cricket on + the Hearth</i>?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" + id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. I.—TO SOCIAL AMBITION.</h3> + + <p>DEAR SIR, OR MADAM,</p> + + <p>I trust you will observe and appreciate the discreet + ambiguity of style with which I have chosen to address you. I + may assure you at once that I have done this not without + considerable thought. For, though I have often watched you in + the exercise of your energies, I have never yet been able to + satisfy myself as to whether I ought to class you amongst our + rougher sex, or include you in the ranks of those who wear high + heels, and very low dresses. Sometimes you fix your place of + business in a breast adequately covered by a stiff and shining + shirt-front and a well-cut waistcoat. Sometimes you inhabit the + expansive bosom of a matron. Nor do you confine yourself to one + class alone out of the many that go to the composition of our + social life. You have impelled grocers to ludicrous pitches of + absurdity; you have driven the wife of a working-man to + distraction because her neighbour's front room possesses a more + expensive carpet, of a sprucer pattern than her own. Clerks + have suffered acutely from your stings, and actresses have + spent many a sleepless night under your malign influence. You + have tortured Dukes on the peaks of gracious splendour where + they sit enthroned as far above common mortals as they ought to + be above the common feeling of envy; and you have caused even + Queens to writhe because there happened to be a few stray + Empresses in the world.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/17.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>On the whole, then, I think I do wisely in leaving the + question of your sex a doubtful one. You would wish it so left + yourself, otherwise so powerful a personality as yours would, I + am certain, have revealed itself with greater clearness to an + honest investigator, such as I humbly trust I have proved + myself. But, be that as it may, I can assert with perfect + confidence that you are no respecter of persons, though it + must, in fairness, be added, that one of your chief functions + seems to be to implant an exaggerated respect and admiration of + others in the minds of your victims. In saying this I praise + your impartiality, while I hint a dislike of your ordinary + methods. Not that I have any hope of causing you to desist. For + to desist would be to cease to exist, and I cannot fairly + expect you to commit suicide, however much I may desire it. + Moreover, your subjects—for, to be candid, you are a + despot—seem to like you. You minister so craftily to + their self-esteem, you flatter their vanity with an adroitness + so remarkable, that, after a few feeble struggles, they resign + themselves, body and soul, to your thrall. Even then you + proceed warily. Your first labour is to collect, with patient + care, all the little elements of dissatisfaction that are + latent in every nature, and to blend them with the petty + disappointments to which even the best of us are liable. The + material thus obtained you temper with intentions that seem to + be good, and eventually you forge out of it a weapon of + marvellous point and sharpness, with which you mercilessly goad + your victims along the path that leads to ridicule and + disaster.</p> + + <p>Let me take an instance which I am sure you will remember. + When I first met little DABCHICK, I thought I had never seen a + happier mortal. He was clever, good-natured, and sprightly. He + sold tea somewhere in Mincing Lane, and on the proceeds of his + sales he managed to support a wife and two pleasant children in + reasonable comfort at Balham. Mrs. DABCHICK could not be + accused by her best friends of over-refinement, but everybody + agreed that she was just the homely, comfortable, housewifely + person who would always make DABCHICK happy, and be a good and + careful mother to his children. Often in the old days when I + came down to Balham and took pot-luck with DABCHICK, while Mrs. + DABCHICK beamed serenity and middle-class satisfaction upon me + from the other end of the table, and the juvenile JOHNNY + DABCHICK recited in a piping treble one of Mr. GEORGE R. SIMS's + most moving pieces for our entertainment, often, I say, have I + envied the simple happiness of that family, and gone back to my + bachelor chambers with an increased sense of dissatisfaction. + Why, I thought to myself, had fate denied to me the peaceful + domesticity of the DABCHICKS? I was as good a man as DABCHICK, + probably, if the truth were known, a better than he. Yet there + he was with a good wife, an agreeable family, and a comfortable + income to compensate him for his extravagance with the letter + h, while I had to toil and moil in solitary gloom.</p> + + <p>Now, however, all is changed. In an evil moment for himself, + DABCHICK speculated largely and successfully in the Gold Trust + of Guatemala. In a very short time his income was multiplied by + ten. The usual results followed. The happy home in Balham was + given up. "People about here," said DABCHICK, "are such poor + snobs"—and a more ornate mansion in South Kensington was + taken in its stead. The old friends and the old habits were + dropped. JOHNNY DABCHICK was sent to Eton with an immoderate + allowance of pocket-money, and was promptly christened "PEKOE" + by his schoolfellows. Mrs. DABCHICK rides in a huge landau with + blue wheels, and leaves cards on the fringes of the + aristocracy. DABCHICK himself aspires to Parliament, and never + keeps the same circle of friends for more than about six + months. He knows one shady Viscount to whom rumour asserts that + he has lent immense sums of Guatemalan money, and the approach + of a Marquis makes him palpitate with emotion. But he is a + profoundly miserable man. Of that I am assured. It amuses me + when I meet him in pompous society to address him lightly as + "DAB," and remind him of the dear old Balham days, and the huge + amount of bird's-eye we used to smoke together. For his motto + now is, "<i>Delenda est Balhamia</i>"—I speak of course + figuratively—and half-crown havannahs have usurped the + place of the honest briar. I know the poor wretch is making up + his mind to cut me, but I must bear it as best I may.</p> + + <p>Now, my dear Sir or Madam, for this melancholy deterioration + in the DABCHICKS you are entirely responsible. I am saddened as + I contemplate it, and I appeal to you. Scarify Dukes and + Duchesses, make vain and useless social prigs as miserable as + you like, but leave the DABCHICKS of this world alone. They are + simple folk, and really I cannot think that the game is worth + the candle.</p> + + <p>Believe me to be, your obedient servant,</p> + + <p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BROADLY SPEAKING.</h2> + + <p>Advised by friend to try Norfolk Broads for holiday. Oulton + Broad, Wroxham Broad, Fritton Decoy (curious name!), Yare, + Waveney, and no end of other rivers. Yachting, shooting, + fishing, pretty scenery, divine air, he says. Have come down to + Yarmouth for a start.</p> + + <p>Up the Bure in a yacht, and into river Thurne. All right so + far. Fish scarce. My pilot says, "wait till I get to Hickling + Broad. <i>Full</i> of bream and roach." I agree to wait.</p> + + <p>In Hickling Broad. Surprised to find notice-boards up all + round saying, "sailing" is prohibited in the Broad, also + fishing and shooting! "What's the meaning of this?" I ask + pilot. He says, "it's all the doings of the Lord of the Manor." + Wants to keep the Broad free from tourists. He certainly does + it "as to the Manor born." Quite a village autocrat. Shall I be + the "Village HAMPDEN?" I will.</p> + + <p>Fishing. Several men on bank shouting at me. One comes off + in a boat and serves me with a summons. This might almost be + called a Broad hint to go away! But I don't go. I stop and + fish. Another man comes off in boat and threatens me with + action "on behalf of riparian owners." Tell him "ripe-pear-ian + season isn't till Autumn, and I shall wait here till then." He + doesn't see the joke—perhaps too broad for him.</p> + + <p>Other yachtsmen, we hear, have been stopped, and threatened. + Yachtsmen up in arms generally. Savage artists wander along + banks, denouncing Lord of Manor of Hickling. Say they have + "right of way" along banks (sounds as if they were Railway + Guards). Hear that Lord of Manor is going to put a gunboat on + Broad, also torpedoes. Hear, also, that Wroxham Broad—one + of the biggest—is to be closed in same way.</p> + + <p>Disgusted at such inhospitality. Back to Yarmouth. Give up + yacht, and decide to go to Switzerland instead. Find Yarmouth + yacht-owners furious with Hickling's Lord of Bad Manners. Say + "closing the Broads will ruin them." Very likely, but it'll + help the foreign hotel-keeper. Glad to see they've started a + "Norfolk Broads Protection Society," subscriptions to be sent + to Lloyd's Bank. "I know a Bank"—and all lovers of + natural scenery and popular rights ought to know it too, and + help in giving the Hickling obstructionist a "heckling," when + he takes the matter (also the Manor) into Court.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" + id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/18.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/18.png" + alt="INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM." /></a> + + <h3>INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM.</h3> + + <p>"SEEN THE <i>ENFANT PRODIGUE</i>, MR. SOFTEY?"</p> + + <p>"NO; WAITING TILL THEY DO IT IN <i>ENGLISH</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TRIPLE ALLIANCE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Scene of To-day, in a Shakspearian Setting.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. "How now, my hearts! Did you never see the + picture of '<i>We Three</i>?'"</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. Marry, forfend, <i>Mr. Punch</i>! Well + quoted indeed, and, pertinently, from the Swan! "A mellifluous, + voice, as I am a true Knight!" But talk not of things triune + too openly, lest quidnuncs overhear, and L-B-CH-RE devise + thereanent fresh heckling interrogations for the Treasury + Bench.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Nay, Kaiser; 'tis not the actual Triple, + but the conceivable Quadruple, that perturbs the importunates. + <i>We</i> Three form an informal but fast-knit trinity, that + can offend none but churls, and affright none but dullards. + Peace, Goodfellowship, Wit! By my bauble, a triad that + PYTHAGORAS himself might have favoured! Talking of Threes, + Kaiser, it's your third visit to us—and, believe me, you + are thrice welcome.</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. "Yea, and I thank your pretty sweet wit for + it. But look you, pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at + home" (as <i>Jack Falstaff</i> put it), that—you gird not + too suspiciously at those who would fain embrace her + abroad!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Well quoted, Sir, though not directed to + <i>mine</i> address. But "A good wit will make use of anything. + I will turn diseases to commodity." Two diseases of the time + are, faction and fussiness—the one a fever, the other a + prurigo. The one makes little of greatness, the other makes + much of littleness. You have been the mark of both, young + Hohenzollern!</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. "An't please you, it is the disease of not + listening, the malady of not marking, that <i>I</i> am troubled + withal."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. <i>Falstaff</i> again, and pertinently + applied. Fitly did the Fat Knight say that he was not only + witty himself, but the cause that wit is in other men.</p> + + <p><i>Prince</i>. By cock and pye, + <i>Poins</i>,—<i>Punch</i> I mean—am <i>I</i> to be + out of this tournament of tags, this joust of quotations? + Marry, not so!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Grasps the</i> EMPEROR's <i>hand cordially.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Prince of WALES doth join with all the + world</p> + + <p>In praise of—Kaiser WILHELM; by my hopes,</p> + + <p>I do not think a braver gentleman,</p> + + <p>More active-valiant, or more valiant-young,</p> + + <p>More daring, or more bold, is now alive</p> + + <p>To grace this latter age with noble deeds."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your + Royal Highness has fairly capped us! <i>Harry Monmouth</i>, + KAISER, could not more fitly have</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Trimmed up your praises with a princely tongue;</p> + + <p>Spoke your deserving like a chronicle."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and <i>Harry Hotspur</i> less deserved the praise.</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in + brevity." I can but thank you both! (<i>To the</i> PRINCE.)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"By heavens, I cannot flatter; I defy</p> + + <p>The tongues of soothers; but a braver place</p> + + <p>In my heart's love hath no man than yourself."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. That's as it should be. If 'twere not + always wholly so—but no matter! I love not to speak in + needless or heedless dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting + Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," but rather—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"As in reproof of many tales devised,—</p> + + <p>Which oft the ear of greatness needs must + hear,—</p> + + <p>By smiling pick-thanks and base newsmongers."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, <i>bien entendu</i>), hath armed us + in advance against even the latest developments of the + detestable. The "base newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned + as carefully as the "smiling pick-thanks." They would set + strife between the two sides of a sixpence or a sovereign. In + vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should admire Nephew, and + Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or better—for + both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray charge + your glasses! Something <i>like</i> a Triple Alliance! A + Veritable League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant + as the proceedings on board the <i>Cobra</i> during her passage + down the Elbe, <i>n'est-ce pas</i>? No formal appending of + Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual + need we for our Amicable Treaty. A handclasp and a Loving-cup + shall suffice us for marking the happy accord of + Peace—Goodfellowship—Mirth!!! These be verily the + "Central Powers," which RUDINI <i>might</i> have referred to + when he said,—"Our Alliance, firmly and sincerely + maintained, will assure the Peace of Europe for a long time to + come." So mote it be! Let us toast them—in a Bumper!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left doing so.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" + id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/19.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/19.png" + alt="A TRIPLE ALLIANCE." /></a> + + <h3>A TRIPLE ALLIANCE.</h3> + + <p>"THE PRINCE OF WALES DOTH JOIN WITH ALL THE WORLD IN + PRAISE OF—KAISER WILHELM; BY MY HOPES, I DO NOT THINK + A BRAVER GENTLEMAN,</p> + + <p>"MORE ACTIVE-VALIANT, OR MORE VALIANT-YOUNG, MORE + DARING, OR MORE BOLD, IS NOW ALIVE TO GRACE THIS LATTER AGE + WITH NOBLE DEEDS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <h2>HENLEY REGATTA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Oarsman.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Sir,—This letter is private and is not intended for + publication. I particularly beg that you will note this, as on + a former occasion some remarks of mine, which were intended + only for your private eye, were printed. I of course accepted + your assurance that no offence was meant, and that the + oversight was due to a person whose services had since the + occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take care + that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence + that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot + possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my + invaluable services to some other paper. The notes and + prognostications which I have laboriously compiled with regard + to the final results of the Regatta will arrive by the next + post, and will, I flatter myself, be found to be + extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that vivid + and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous + throughout the civilised world.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/21-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>There are one or two little matters about which I honestly + desire to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was + by no means anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In + vain I pointed out to you that my experience of the river was + entirely limited to an occasional trip by steamboat from + Charing Cross to Gravesend. You said that was an amply + sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic reporter who + respected himself and his readers, had ever so far degraded + himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any of the + absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding you + were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, I + consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These + circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give + me advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much + like to ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are + mostly in what they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a + condition of high irritability. Their strokes may be long, but + their tempers are, I regret to say, painfully short. Besides, + to be candid, I don't wish to show the least trace of + ignorance. My position demands that I should be omniscient, and + omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall remain.</p> + + <p>In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled + down to Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice + for the Royal Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river + was dotted with lightships of every description." I remember + some years ago passing a very pleasant half hour on board of a + lightship moored in the neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum + was excellent. I looked forward with a lively pleasure to + repeating the experience at Henley. As soon as I arrived, + therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a gold anchor + embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and + directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I + spent at least two hours on the river in company with that + boy—a very impudent little fellow,—but owing no + doubt to his stupidity, I failed to find a single vessel which + could be fairly described as a lightship. Finally the boy said + they had all been sunk in yesterday's great storm, and with + that inadequate explanation I was forced to content myself. But + there is a mystery about this. Please explain it.</p> + + <p>Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the + place announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly + beats me. Why should the stewards stand? They are presumably + men of a certain age, some of them must be of a certain + corpulence, and it seems to me a refinement of cruelty that + these faithful officials, of whom, I believe, the respected + Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled to refrain from + seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be necessary for + them to set an example of true British endurance to the crowds + who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to + be paid for the performance of their duties.</p> + + <p>Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the + Visitors' Cup. Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one + of the principal hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring + me a quart of Visitors' Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. + He seemed puzzled, but went away to execute my orders. After an + absence of ten minutes he returned, and informed me, with the + Manager's compliments, that they could not provide me with what + I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup was excellent. I gave + the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is only another + example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of these + crass provincials. Kindly reply, <i>by wire</i>, about all the + three points I have mentioned.</p> + + <p>I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been + fortunate enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are + any here. A good many maniacs disport themselves every day in + rickety things which look something like gigantic needles, and + other people have been riding along the bank, and, very + naturally, abusing them loudly for their foolhardy + recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. I + have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess + I can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and + of course these ridiculous affairs can't be boats.</p> + + <p>Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a + very difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of + your paper in this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal + goes a very short way.</p> + + <p>Yours sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">THE MAN AT THE OAR.</p> + + <p><i>Henley-on-Thames, July 4</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A COMMON COMPLAINT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Daily Victim.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/21-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Editors, who earn your daily bread</p> + + <p class="i2">By giving us all kinds of + information,</p> + + <p>There's something that I fear ought to be said,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which may—which will arouse your + indignation;</p> + + <p>For you may not be happy when it's more than + hinted</p> + + <p>Your news is such that we can't read it when it's + printed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet I would have you fully understand</p> + + <p class="i2">The real reason why I choose to + quarrel</p> + + <p>With what you print—your columns are not + banned</p> + + <p class="i2">Because their contents are at all + immoral</p> + + <p>Yet if there <i>is</i> a scandal, though a small + amount of it,</p> + + <p>You sometimes soil your pages with a long account of + it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far other reasons urge me to reveal</p> + + <p class="i2">My feelings on this matter—to + assail your</p> + + <p>Too common practice, and say why I feel</p> + + <p class="i2">Your daily efforts are a daily + failure;</p> + + <p>Your paper by its columns and its size confuses + me,</p> + + <p>And worse—there's nothing in it in the least + amuses me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Can you indeed in seriousness suppose—</p> + + <p class="i2">To me, I tell you, naught could be + absurder—</p> + + <p>That anywhere at all there can be those</p> + + <p class="i2">Who read the noisome details of a + murder,</p> + + <p>Or take delight in knowing that in such a county</p> + + <p>Some teeming, triple mother earns the Royal + Bounty?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ibsenity! Amid the maze of words</p> + + <p class="i2">I find it difficult to pick my way + right;</p> + + <p><i>This</i> critic at the Master only girds,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>That</i> promptly hails him as the + "premier playwright."</p> + + <p>Whilst I don't mind confessing that I swear right + roundly</p> + + <p>At mention of a subject that I hate profoundly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then Parliament—without the slightest + doubt</p> + + <p class="i2">Of all dull things the dullest. What + could be more</p> + + <p>Distressing than to have to read about</p> + + <p class="i2">The coming (?) KEAY, whose other name is + SEYMOUR?</p> + + <p>And now that Patriots' speeches flow with milk and + honey,</p> + + <p>They're very much less Irish, and of course less + funny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Bye-Elections <i>are</i> a little fun,</p> + + <p class="i2">I laugh to note the jubilant + precision</p> + + <p>With which you tell me that a seat that's won</p> + + <p class="i2">Exactly counts two votes on a + division,</p> + + <p>Though this is all I care for, and am bored at + knowing</p> + + <p>How pleased is Mr. GLADSTONE with the tide that's + flowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet all these many, varied forms of pain</p> + + <p class="i2">Are trifling, small and hardly worth + attention.</p> + + <p>One thing is so much worse—oh! pray again</p> + + <p class="i2">The "epidemic" never, never mention,</p> + + <p>And promptly tell your poet that the rhyme + "cadenza"</p> + + <p>Must never more be worked in for the Influenza!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Defeat—or Something Near It.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar</p> + + <p class="i2">The 'Varsities met in a contest of + strength,</p> + + <p>7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would + score</p> + + <p class="i2">A win, which they did—by a lucky + <i>half-length</i>:</p> + + <p>And last week, when the thousands assembled at + Lord's</p> + + <p class="i2">To see Cambridge win by an + innings—at Cricket's</p> + + <p>Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards</p> + + <p class="i2">The Light Blues the game—by a + <i>couple of wickets</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/22.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/22.png" + alt="FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY NIGHT." /> + </a>FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY + NIGHT. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <h2>A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The evening shadows gather round the room;</p> + + <p class="i2">How full of joy it were to sit and + greet</p> + + <p>The twilight slowly deepening into gloom,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in the cool forget the noontide + heat.</p> + + <p class="i2">The busy hum, the noise of passing + feet,</p> + + <p>Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar,</p> + + <p class="i2">Did there not come to us from out the + street,</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom,</p> + + <p class="i2">Approach, and disappear with footsteps + fleet,</p> + + <p>The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom,</p> + + <p class="i2">Policemen slowly pace upon their + beat.</p> + + <p class="i2">We buy the blossoms with their fragrance + sweet,</p> + + <p>And only on our senses sadly jar</p> + + <p class="i2">The noises of the ruffians who + repeat,</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The latest aspect of the latest boom,</p> + + <p class="i2">The starting price of winners and of + wheat,</p> + + <p>The thousand lives lost in a late simoom,</p> + + <p class="i2">A conflagration, or a bursting leat,</p> + + <p class="i2">How gallant gentlemen can stoop to + cheat,</p> + + <p>The spicy current gossip of the Bar—</p> + + <p class="i2">Can all be found in this or that + news-sheet,</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>L'ENVOI.</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Friend, if you wish for happiness + complete,</p> + + <p>Look for it in some hamlet distant far.</p> + + <p class="i2">Forget—where catkins blow and + lambkins bleat—</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—FISH-DIET.—I am writing an + important historical work, which takes a great deal out of my + brain, and I shall be glad to know what is the best kind of + diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish has been strongly + recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for breakfast + take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a herring + and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be + necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of + oysters be best for tackling our early Constitutional + History?—MACAULAY JUNIOR.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/23-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT + UNWRITTEN.</h3><i>Proud Father</i> (<i>reading his Son's + School Report</i>). "MANNERS VULGAR—VERY VULGAR. BUT + PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House, of Commons, Monday, June 29</i>.—Early + promise of JAMES BAIN, Knight, begins to be realised. Created + profound sensation on night he took his seat, by walking about + with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him with swift stern reproof. + BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother was about. Seeing a + friend on Bench below him, thought he would go and have a chat + with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; he had + cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved + three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" + and SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having + explained to him that though a Member may wear his hat when + seated, the stability of the Constitution is imperilled if he + does not uncover when he moves, albeit a step, to the right or + left, the new Member passed remainder of sitting in safety.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/23-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-2.png" + alt="Barran de Leeds." /></a>Barran de Leeds. + </div> + + <p>Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from + corner seat below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he + would stroll out. Not going to be caught again moving about + with his hat on. Carefully took it off, and holding it firmly + in right hand, walked with springy steps down Gangway and, + crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made for the door. As + he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred throats + such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared + round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No + doubt about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those + thrillingly solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his + hand; could someone else's by any chance have got on his head? + Passed his left hand over massive brow. No, all right. Best + thing to do would be to get off premises as quickly as + possible. So BAIN bolted.</p> + + <p>"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know + you mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an + old one. I know all the ropes in this machine. When you want + anything ask me."</p> + + <p>"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask + you what I've done now?"</p> + + <p>"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member + on his legs and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should + have gone round by the back of the Bench."</p> + + <p>After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached + up in Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden + speech. Quite delightful; button-holed House as it were; + informed Members he was sent there with a mandate; incidentally + mentioned that he was a Magistrate in several counties; waved + his arm in defiance of School Board and sat down, after + declaiming, with much animation, a new and original peroration. + "Gentlemen," he said,—"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm for the + Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill."</p> + + <p>This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY + FOWLER's. That admirable in every way; a distinct and far + advance on a Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and + ability; an epoch in a Parliamentary career already notable for + its steady progress. Pity Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the + triumph of the most promising of his recruits of the '80 + Parliament.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to + Education Bill negatived by 267 against 166.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, + have not specially lain in the domain of history," said + Professor STOKES, in the course of a brief address delivered to + me in a corner of the Library. "The pure dry light of + mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for me. + Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial + points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had + no one prominently in English public affairs with quite the + same influence as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH + CHAMBERLAIN. The time is gone by when kings were made and + unmade. But my Right Hon. friend has done more than anyone to + make the present Ministry possible, and, having made them, he + claims <span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" + id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> the right to direct, and, in + some respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious + phenomenon, very curious indeed. If you were not so + evidently in a hurry, I should like to dilate upon it."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/24-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-1.png" + alt="'The pure dry light of Mathematics.'" /></a>"The + pure dry light of Mathematics." + </div> + + <p>A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a + rule, most considerate in his attitude. At much pains to + preserve an appearance suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the + Opposition Benches, and is supposed to know no more of the + secret councils and intentions of the Ministry than anyone else + in same quarter of House. Made a slip in earlier stages of + Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and disclosed + familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time he + spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same + road. Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across + the table to explain details of measure, he asked leave to + introduce, dealing with state of things in Highlands and + Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN being much interested in + question, having marked it for his own, might be supposed to + have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was drafted. + All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary + Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if + LORD-ADVOCATE would briefly sketch his Bill.</p> + + <p>To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved + Amendment extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which + fee grants would be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, + and protested thing couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate + went forward, Ministers refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to + look in after dinner; thinks it would be well to accept + Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, a very model of + debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. Remarkable + state of things; as a study more interesting even than + mathematics.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Education Bill in Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords + for Committee stage. House unusually crowded; quite animated in + appearance; when at length it gets into Committee LORD + CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, still wearing wig and gown, + lends new air of grace and dignity to Ministerial Bench. Sits + between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the MARKISS thinks + of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine nothing + more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to + some half-dozen other of his colleagues.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/24-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-2.png" + alt="Lord Colchester." /></a>Lord Colchester. + </div> + + <p>Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to + front, and modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, + once in while, to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting + over Clauses of Bill in Committee. That sort of obscure labour + might suit them, but not the thing to attract the MCCULLUM + MORE. Had already enjoyed himself on Second Reading, delivering + one of those orations which, as COLCHESTER says, may be + magnificent but are not debate. That should have satisfied + vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not an ordinary + man. There were several things he forgot to say in the speech. + Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping + progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in + Committee he must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers + anxious to get on with business, and his observations would + probably not be reported. Thing to do was to move Instruction + to Committee. This would bring him on first thing in a full + House, before Peers had wearied themselves with application to + real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't matter in + what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his speech. + MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him <i>not</i> to press + Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had + served its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE + stalked off home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee + work.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Land Bill through Committee in + Lords.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Education Bill through Committee. + Last scene of all a little lively owing to revolt on + Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE led it in speech of unwonted + eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of imagery: described + School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; that enough + by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, went + on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge.</p> + + <p>Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the + Member for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to + the House of Commons <i>talks</i>, doesn't speechify; style + excellent, and so is the matter. House would like to hear a + little oftener from JENNINGS; due to it from Stockport who has + also sent us GEDGE.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Education Bill through + Committee.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST.</h2> + + <h3>THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/24-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We gave a little dinner; and I own,</p> + + <p class="i2">Led by a wish with style to stamp the + <i>fête</i>,</p> + + <p>Palmed off, as though a butler of our own,</p> + + <p class="i2">A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to + wait."—</p> + + <p>I thought he seemed to sway beneath the + fish—</p> + + <p class="i2">And stagger with a half familiar + smile,</p> + + <p>When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish</p> + + <p class="i2">All comes of tryin' to do the thing in + shtyle!"</p> + + <p>I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix,</p> + + <p class="i2">And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a + Duke!</p> + + <p>I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Thus came on me that Greengrocer's + Rebuke!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That banquet was our last. No more we "dined,"</p> + + <p class="i2">In, now and then, perchance a friend + might drop.</p> + + <p>It is our boast that he will ever find</p> + + <p class="i2">At least the welcome of a homely + chop.</p> + + <p>Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile,</p> + + <p class="i2">And can from ostentatious show + refrain,</p> + + <p>Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style,"</p> + + <p class="i2">I possibly once more may entertain!</p> + + <p>And so,—I know not how it came about,</p> + + <p class="i2">But if by chance, it is a happy fluke</p> + + <p>That I at length without the slightest doubt</p> + + <p class="i2">Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's + Rebuke!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUELCHING QUELCH.—Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour + Commission, is said to have expressed his opinion that "the + liberty to combine should not involve the liberty not to + combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that without "liberty not to + combine" there <i>cannot</i> be any "liberty to combine." For + if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, it is + obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is + hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would + leave the workman none.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A MASK ON A MASK.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn + during the hours of sleep, is designed to remove + wrinkles.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face,</p> + + <p class="i2">Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny + ringlets,</p> + + <p>Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace,</p> + + <p class="i2">And flitted like a fairy borne on + winglets</p> + + <p>From boy to boy, and flirted here and there</p> + + <p class="i2">With that unchanging smile of rouged + enamel,</p> + + <p>I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare,</p> + + <p class="i2">And since the needle's eye doth bar the + camel,</p> + + <p>'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase + youth,</p> + + <p class="i2">And peaceful age become a ceaseless + playtime;</p> + + <p>Still, if you'd wear <i>two</i> masks to hide the + truth,</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, wear this last one always <i>in the + daytime</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13270 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13270-h/images/13.png b/13270-h/images/13.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21a34d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/13.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/14.png b/13270-h/images/14.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0480340 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/14.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/15-1.png b/13270-h/images/15-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..764960c --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/15-1.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/15-2.png b/13270-h/images/15-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ca488b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/15-2.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/16-1.png b/13270-h/images/16-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e8e1d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/16-1.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/16-2.png b/13270-h/images/16-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a568593 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/16-2.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/17.png b/13270-h/images/17.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff44c19 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/17.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/18.png b/13270-h/images/18.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25ee30f --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/18.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/19.png b/13270-h/images/19.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e16084 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/19.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/21-1.png b/13270-h/images/21-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..35859ee --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/21-1.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/21-2.png b/13270-h/images/21-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d1fb3c --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/21-2.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/22.png b/13270-h/images/22.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0265c41 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/22.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/23-1.png b/13270-h/images/23-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1dffbf --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/23-1.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/23-2.png b/13270-h/images/23-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e9c367 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/23-2.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/24-1.png b/13270-h/images/24-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..efadf65 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/24-1.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/24-2.png b/13270-h/images/24-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2ac417a --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/24-2.png diff --git a/13270-h/images/24-3.png b/13270-h/images/24-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4121426 --- /dev/null +++ b/13270-h/images/24-3.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8bda25 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13270 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13270) diff --git a/old/13270-8.txt b/old/13270-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b59f706 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13270-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1720 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +July 11, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 11, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13270] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 11, 1891. + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +MORE _POT-POURRI_ FROM THE PARK. + + SCENE--_The Park, near Cumberland Gate, on almost any fine + afternoon. Behind the rails separating the turf from the + paths, Orators, Preachers, and Reciters are holding forth, + for the delectation of small groups, who are mostly engaged in + discussing some totally different subject. A set debate, with + a time-limit, and a purely ornamental Chairman, is in progress + between a Parnellite and an Anti-Parnellite. The reader will + kindly imagine himself to be passing slowly along the line._ + +_A Youthful Socialist_ (_haranguing the usual crowd of well-to-do +loungers, and working himself up to the requisite white-heat of +factitious fury_). And what are these Capitalists? I'll tell yer. Jest +a lot o' greedy gobblers and profit-mongering sharks, as eat up the +smaller fry. And what are _you_? Why, you're the small fish as +eat mud--and let yourselves _be_ gobbled! (_The crowd accept this +definition of themselves with perfect gaiety and good-humour._) Some +will tell yer that these lazy, idle loafers, work as hard as what we +do ourselves. (_Derisive laughter at this ridiculous idea._) Mind yer, +I'm not saying they don't. _Honly_, the 'arder they work, the worse +it is for us; because the more they work the more they _rob_! That's +what they send their sons to Oxford and to Cambridge--as was built and +endowed for the benefit of us, the labourin' classes--for. They send +'em there to learn _'ow to rob_! + + [_Here a discussion breaks out between a Sceptic and a + Spiritualist, who, with half-a-dozen interested auditors, + have been putting their heads together in a corner._ + +_The Sceptic_. No,--but keep to the point,--you're shufflin' the +question. I want to argue this out on logical grounds. I know as +well as _you_ do that, if only I 'ave 'armony and a round table in my +family, I can make that table dance the poker--but what I'm puttin' +to _you_ is (_triumphantly_), 'ow does that prove to me as I'm in +communication with the Bogie Man? That's what _you've_ got to answer. + +[Illustration: "Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!"] + +_The Y.S._. We Soshalists 'ate the Tories as we 'ate sin. Why, young +polertician as I ham, &c., &c. + +_The Spiritualist_ (_an elderly and earnest person_). All I can +reply to you is, we Spiritualists do not think--we _know_ that these +phenomena appear--yes, as surely as I know I am 'olding this stick in +my 'and. + +_The Sceptic_ (_pityingly_). There you go again, yer see--that +stick ain't the point. _I_ can see the stick. A stick ain't a +phenomena--you're confusin' two different things. Now I'm goin' to +offer you a fair challenge. You perdooce me a Spirit--not in a back +room, with the lights out, but _'ere_, in broad daylight, in this +Park--you get that Spirit to naturalise itself, or whatever you call +it, and I'll _believe_ in 'im. Come, now! + +_A Bystander_. Ah, that's the way to corner _'is_ sort. 'E knows 'e +carn't _do_ it! + +_The Spiritualist_ (_with a smile of sad superiority_). Ridicule ain't +argyment. [_The discussion continues._ + +_The Young Socialist_. Don't tork to me of Patriotism! What have the +likes of you and me got to be patriotic about? I'm a Universalist, I +am, and so long as a man rallies round our glorious Red Flag (_here he +waves a dingy scarlet rag on a stick_), it's all one to me whether his +own colour is black, yeller, green, brown, _or_ white! + + [_Applause._ + +_Reciter Number One_ (_in the midst of a thrilling prose narrative +about a certain_ "'ARRY," _who has apparently got into legal +difficulties for having thrown a cocoa-nut stick at a retired +Colonel_). Well, I went into the Court 'ouse, and there, sure enough, +was my pore mate 'ARRY in the dock, and there was hold Ginger-whiskers +(_laughter_) a setting on the bench along with the hother beaks, +lookin' biliouser, and pepperier, and more happerplecticker nor ever! +"Prison-ar," he sez, addressin' 'ARRY (_imitation of the voice and +manner of a retired Colonel_), "Prison-ar, 'ave you--har--hanythink +to say in your beyarf--har?" And then, hall of a sudden, I sor a +flash come into my dear 'ole comride 'ARRY's heyes, as he strightened +'imself in the dock, and gave the milingtery sloot, and then, in a +voice as sounded as true and sweet and clear as a bell, he sez-- + +_A Dingy and Unprepossessing Preacher_ (_unctuously_). Well beloved +friends, as I was telling yer, I went 'ome to the 'ouse of that pious +Methodist lady, and she told me as 'ow she 'ad two dear unconverted +sons, an' I knelt down (_&c., &c._), an' after that we 'ad our tea, +and then I preached a sermon--ah, I well remember I took my tex from +(_&c. &c._)--an' then she gave me supper (_more unctuously still_), as +nice a bit o' cold beef and 'ome-brewed ale as ever I wish to taste, +and I slep' that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed--and this +(_drawing the inevitable moral_) this brings me round to what I +started on, inasmuch as it proves (_with a forbidding smile_) as 'ow +yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares! + +_Reciter Number Two_ (_giving his own private version of "The Ticket +of Leave Man."_) Fourpence 'ap'ny, Gentlemen, is _not_ a very 'arty +nor corjial recognition of my talent; _'owever_, I will now perceed +with the Drarmer. The Curtain rises upon the Second Hact. Hover three +years 'ave elapsed since _Robert Brierley_--(&c.) We are in _May +Hedwardses_ lodgings. She is torkin to 'er goldfinch. If you boys +don't give over larkin' and stand back, you'll get a cuff on some +of your 'eds. "Goldie," she sez, "I've 'ad a letter from _'Im_ this +morning!" And the bird puts his little 'ed a one side, and a'most +seems as if he compre'ended 'er meanin'! _Mrs. Willoughby_ is 'eard +outside sayin', "May I come in?" I will now hendeavour to give you a +imitation of _Mrs. Willoughby_. + + [_He cocks his hat rather more on one side, to indicate + feminine garrulity, and continues._ + +_Anti-Parnellite Irishman_ (_warmly_). Is it kape to the point? Oi +till that white-feeced an' black-hearrted loiar, TIM MURPHY, that if +he interrups me wance more whoile o'im in possession o' the chair, +oi'll step down an' call 'm to orrder by landin' 'um a clump on the +conk! + +_Reciter Number Three_ (_who is working his way through a +bloodcurdling poem, with a hat on the ground before him_):-- + + And on came them maddened 'orses, with their foiery, smokin' breath; + As were bearin' the woman I lurved to a crule and 'orrible death! + [_Pathetically._ + 'Ow could I save my darlin' from layin' a mangled 'eap + On the grorss below where the buttercups blow, along of the innercent sheep! + (_Wildly._) I felt my brine was reeling--I'adn't a minnit to lose! + [_He strains forward, in agony._ + With a stifled prayer, and a gasp for air, I-- + + [_Here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked penny + on the grass, and replaces it carefully in the hat before + proceeding._ + +_First Bystander_ (_discussing Physical Courage with a friend_). No, +I never 'ad no pluck. I don't see the use of it myself--on'y gits you +into rows'. (_Candidly._) I'm a blanky coward, I am. + +_His Friend_ (_admiringly_). Give us yer 'and. Yer can't be a blankier +coward than _me_! + +_The A.P._ (_with just pride_). Oi've been wan o' the biggest +libertines in this or anny other city in me toime--there's no +blagardhism oi'd have put beyant me--but oi till ye this. If PARNELL +was to come up to me here, now, and ask me to sheek um by the hand, +oi'd say, "Shtand back, ye d----d scoundthrel!" Ah, oi would _that_! + +_Belated Orator_ (_perorating to an embarrassed stranger on a seat +before him, under a muddled impression that he is addressing a +spell-bound multitude_). I tell yer--yes, hevery man, and hevery woman +among yer--(_Here he bends forward, and touches his hearer's right and +left elbow impressively_) don't you go away under the impression I'm +talking of what I don't understan'! (_The Stranger shifts his leg and +looks another way_.) I speak sense, don't I? _You_ never 'eard nothin' +like this afore, _any_ of yer, _'ave_ yer? That's because I read +between the lines! (_Waving his arm wildly._) An' I want heach man +and boy of you to 'member my words, and _hact_ upon them when the time +comes! + + [_Here he staggers off with a proud and exalted air, to the + immense relief of his hearer._ + +_A Professional Pietist_ (_with a modest working capital of one hymn +and a nasal drone_). "My richest gynes" ... (_To Charitable Passer_. A +copper, Sir? bless your kind 'art!) "I cayount" ... (_Examining it._ +A bloomin' French 'ap'ny!) ... "but loss; And pour contemp'" ... (Call +yerself a Christian gen'lman, yer--&c.) ... "on a--a--ll my proide!" + + (_Here the Reader will probably have had enough of it._) + + * * * * * + +A REAL TREAT.--_Advice to Covent-gardeners_.--If _Carmen_ is to be +done again this season with the same cast as it had on Saturday last, +no one who cares for an exceptionally first-rate performance should +miss this opera-tunity. There is no better representative of _Carmen_ +than Mlle. ZELIE DE LUSSAN,--how can there be, since the Spanish +Gipsy heroine of the plot is herself a _Loose 'un_? Madame MELBA +was charming as _Mickie Ella_, the Irish girl in Spain. M. LASSALLE +appeared as _Escamillo_. the bull-fighter, in a novel, and doubtless +a correct, costume, and his great _Toréador_ song was vociferously +encored. Then, finally, JEAN DE RESKÉ, who made of the usually idiotic +_Don José_ a fine acting as well as a fine singing part. It drew a +big house, and would have been a pretty dish to set before an Emperor +on Wednesday, if, on that occasion, the Opera itself were the only +consideration. + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE KING'S ABDICATION. + +[Illustration] + + "My palate is parched with Pierian thirst, + Away to Parnassus I'm beckoned." + I sing of the glories of Fire King the First! + (Who's fit to be Fire King the Second?) + + Captain EYRE MASSEY SHAW is a "Sovereign" indeed, + Abdicating? Alas! that too true is; + For he's a Fire King of a different breed + From the Monarch described by MONK LEWIS. + + No mere King of Flames, fiery-faced _à la_ SKELT, + Inhabiting regions most torrid, + With a breath that is warranted copper to melt, + And eyes indescribably horrid. + + He hath not a blazing Bardolphian nose, + He is not _flamboyant_ or furious; + His Crown's a brass helmet, his Sceptre a hose; + True Fire King,--all others are spurious. + + For he rules the flames; he has done so for long; + And now that he talks of retiring, + Men mourn for the fire-queller cautious and strong, + Whose reign they've so long been admiring. + + Clear-headed, cool Captain, great chief M.F.B., + All London is sorry to lose you; + As kindly as kingly, from prejudice free; + No danger could daunt or confuse you. + + As doffing your helmet, and dropping your hose, + You bid us farewell, we all own you + As one of Fiend Fire's most redoubtable foes; + As that thirty years we have known you. + + Our Big Boards might job, and our Big Wigs might jaw, + But, spite of their tricks and their cackle, + One Chief we could trust; we were sure that our SHAW + His duty would manfully tackle. + + So farewell, great Fire King! Your crown you lay by; + E'en you cannot lay by your credit. + Ignipotent Knight? Well, you ought to stand high + In the next Honour-List! _Punch_ has said it! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +(SECOND LETTER.--B.) + +_THE MAGNUM OPUS._ + +[Illustration] + +_À propos_ of this heading, what a treasure a _Magnum Opal_ would be. +This remark is only "by the way." My motto is Business First, Play (on +words) afterwards. So to work. + +I really think I shall take to Guide-book writing. _Grandolph's +Guides_ would be immensely popular. I'm sure I can do it--for upon +my word I can do a'most anything if I only buckle to. By the way, +'_Buckle_' suggests history. Can go in for "making history" when I've +done this work. WILLIAMS--not MONTAGU the Magistrate--(good title this +for something)--but my friend the Companionable Captain ---- is at +work; when he has done, he reads out a few descriptive paragraphs for +my approbation, or the contrary. When I nod it means that I like it; +when I don't nod, he has to wait till I do. I generally begin nodding +about the middle of the first paragraph. + +"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, "I'm glad you like it +all so much." + +"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my pyjamas, +and wondering to myself how I could have been so absorbed in his +reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked havannah tumble on to the +floor. + +"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a half," +returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; peppery chap, the +Captain,--'Curried' Captain when on board Sir DONALD's boat,--but to +resume. Says the Curried Captain, still a bit annoyed, "You passed all +the paragraphs, one after the other, and whenever I stopped to ask you +how you liked it, you nodded." + +I didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the fact is +that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone and, I fancy, +that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging by the moiety of my +cigar. I must have fallen fast asleep. + +"That's posted, is it?" I ask, evading further explanation. "It is," +he answers. "But I've got another lot--" + +"Good!" I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from experience +I say it, if I don't take myself when in the humour--'on the hop,' so +to speak, as they said of the _scarabæus_ in Kent--(trust _me_ for +natural history and plenty of it)--I'm no use at all. Now at this +moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another fragrant +weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't the smallest idea +what became of the one I ordered when the Gallant Graphist commenced +reading; I rather suspect he 'put it to his lips when so dispoged,' +and that, in this instance also, he mistook my nod for silent but +emphatic encouragement. + +"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable Author, "you +read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and I'll chuck in +the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's _my_ drink," I say, with an +emphasis on the possessive pronoun, for the Soldierly Scribe, in a +moment of absorption, was about to apply that process to my liquor. He +apologises handsomely, and commences his recital. In the absence of a +gong,--one ought never to travel without a gong,--I whack the tea-tray +with a paper-knife. "All in to begin!" + +"_The mail train_," &c., &c. I make my notes, and remark that MURRAY +and BRADSHAW lost a great chance in not having long ago secured the +services of the Corresponding Captain. "_The railroad passes through +mountain scenery of exceptional_," &c., &c. BRADSHAW and MURRAY, not +to mention BAEDEKER and BLACK, absolutely not in it with the Wandering +Warrior. "_About thirty miles from Cape Town_"-- + +A SIMPLE SUGGESTION. + +I stop him at this point. "Couldn't we have a song here?" + +"Why?" asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling his +moustache. + +"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About thirty +miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of _Within a Mile of +Edinboro' Town_." + +"Don't see it," says the Virtuous Veteran, stolidly. + +"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is my way, +"if it's a song, I'll make _several notes_ of it." + +"Um!" growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him in an +attempt at surprising my outpost, i.e., my tumbler of cool drink. He +apologises gruffly but politely, and then continues his reading. + +ON WE GOES AGAIN. + +He continues to read about "_distances," "so many feet above +sea-levels," "engineering skill_," &c., &c., which I observe to him +will all make capital padding for a guide-book, when I am suddenly +struck by the sound of the word I had just used, _viz._, 'padding.' + +PADDINGTON. + +"By Jove!" I exclaim. + +"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his MS. + +"'Padding,'" I reply--"Only add a 'ton' to it, and that will give it +just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask him, impetuously. +But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at his moustache. I explain +the idea, as if it were a charade. I say, "The whole notion is +'padding--ton.' See?" + +The Ruminating Reader thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I urge--"it +will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without anecdote? Now +for an anecdote; and I knock one off, _sur le champ_, about the +engine-driver, the stoker, and several other persons, all on the +look-out for promotion, informing me of their being _Paddington men +of considerable political influence at home_. The Cautious Captain +accepts the anecdote, interpolates it, and after I have called for and +imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted another cigar, +the Conscientious Captain resumes his entertainment." + +NO PIANO. + +He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will he take +something? No? Then _I_ will. His health, and song--I mean 'treatise,' +or whatever he calls it--say 'lecture.' Wish we'd had a piano. Never +will travel without one again. _Mem._--Gong and piano. I don't pretend +to be a thorough musician, but as a one-fingered player I'd give Sir +CHARLES HALLÉ odds and beat him. Now then--let's see where were we. +Another tumbler iced. Good. _Allez!_ Captain, go ahead! + +[Illustration] + +Somehow or another, after this--that is, I can only time it by the +fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth glass of iced drink, or +it may have been my half-dozenth, for time does fly so,--the Captain +having, I suspect, drank the greater part of the previous one whenever +I didn't happen to be looking that way--I begin to think I must have +once more given my assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of which I +could not nave heard more than three pages, as, when I arouse myself +from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the Captain has gone out, and +so has my cigar. + +AWAY! AWAY! + +"Action is the word!" said I, suddenly jumping up; and, having seized +a spade, and provided myself with a large sack, which I carried across +my shoulders, I set off for the diamond-fields. Unrecognised by a +soul, I went to work on my own account; and the brilliant things I +saw--far more brilliant than even the witticisms of WOLFFY, or the +sarcasms of ARTHUR B! Into my sack go thousands of diamonds! The sack +is full! _Aladdin_ and the Lamp not in it with me! "Hallo!" shouts +a voice, gruffly. I could see no one. "_Vox et præterea nil_," as we +used to say at Eton. Suddenly I felt myself collared. I made a gallant +attempt at resistance. A spade is a spade I know, but what is a +spade and one against twenty with pistols and daggers, headed by the +redoubtable Filliblusterer THOMAS TIDDLER himself? "Strip him!" said +T.T., shortly. + +[Illustration] + +Will you believe that the only way in which in this country they +arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by denuding +you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked truth, holding you +up by the heels for the purpose of shaking the diamonds out of you, in +case any are concealed in your hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth. + +"He has diamonds on the brain!" I hear some ruffian exclaim, and in +another second-- + + * * * * * + +Well--what happened I cannot tell you: I must have fainted. When I +came to myself I was lying by the chair in which I had been previously +sitting when listening to the Captain's reading, and bending over me +with a glass of water in his hand, was the faithful and clever Doctor +whose companionship on this voyage of discovery I am daily and hourly +learning to appreciate at its proper value. I fancy the ship's crew +were round about me, with the Engineer and the Chaplain. I feel +inclined to say, "HARDY, HARDY, kiss me, HARDY!" and then something +about "Tell them at home"--but the words stick in my throat, as they +did in _Macbeth's_ throat (only they were other words) when he was on +his throat-sticking expedition. (Little Shakspearian reference thrown +in here, and no extra charge.) + +"How many of these has he had?" I hear the Doctor say, and I perceived +that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should like to explain +that, as we were engaged in composition, there had been 'composing +draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the Clever Captain's voice in +reply, but the next minute I felt myself being lifted up and carried +off. I wished to tell them of my strange adventure, and how I had +barely escaped with my life, but somehow drowsiness overcame me, and +I must have fallen asleep. + +BUSINESS AS BEFORE. + +To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I asked the +Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor "if they had seen anything +of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they only smiled at one +another, elevated their eyebrows, then winked, and laughed. + +What is their little game? + +No matter. I will lie low. My motto is "Diamonds are trumps." I'm not +here as _Aladdin_ for nothing. "Aha!" as the old melodramatic villain +used to say, "a time will come! No mattar!" + +RATHER CURRIE-OUS! + +I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a DONALD CURRIE +steamer--'twas the first opportunity that ever I had of tasting a +DONALD CURRIE, and excellent it is, as of course, was all our "board" +on board--(send this joke to WOLFFY--he'll work it up and make a real +_impromptu_ sparkler of it--and I don't grudge him the _kudos_ of it, +not one little bit)--or to the change of air, but I am bound to say +openly that I do think the G.O.M. has been right about most things, +especially about Majuba (who was _Pa_ JUBA? Send this to DRUMMY +WOLFFY), and--well, I shall have more to say on this subject. If this +meets the eye of any friendly person, will he kindly remember me to my +Uncle? Thanks. That's the ticket. More anon. + +[Illustration: (Signature) Grandolph the Explorer.] + + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY. + +The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves into a +nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let as many people +as possibel see the grate show on Friday. They has acshally bin and +ordered a grate bilding with rows of seats, out in Gildhall Yard, +enuff to hold about a thousand Ladies and Gentlemen, all in their best +close, with capital views of ewerybody and ewerythink, and now they +are told that it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing to heat +or to drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least three +hours! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun Horspitality +after that! + +I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy acshally +surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and their sweet had +all gone home, all the whole thousand starving wisitors should be +turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and drink all the fragments +as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery kind and thortful of you as +regards the harf-starved wisitors, but how about us Waiters? You, with +all your experience, ewidentally don't know the wally of what such +eminent Swells as Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates, and +the skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Why, I have acshally seen +with my own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring of me which chair +a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down and kiss its harm, +wich was nex to kissin _his_ hand, and then give harf-a-crown for +harf a happel as was left on the plate! Ah, that's what I calls true +loyalty, and werry much it is admired by all of us. + +I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the Hemperer, +has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on both sides of +the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to Gildhall. And in +case the estonishing site shood make him feel just a leetle dazed, the +jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone and hired no less than three +Millingterry Bands of Music to play to him, and cheer him up. + +There was a talk of engaging all the many German Bands, as makes our +streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade at Lunch; but Mr. +WEST HILL, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, thort it might be too much +for His Madjesty's feelinx, so the highdear was given up. I werily +bleeves that of all the many anxious buzzoms as is a beating with +suppressed emotion for next Friday, the carmest and the all serenest +of the lot is that of ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE." + + A volume most welcome on table or desk + Is DAVENPORT ADAMS's _Book of Burlesque_. + He deals with the subject from earliest days, + To modern examples and Gaiety plays. + We've extracts from PLANCHÉ and GILBERT to hand, + With puns ta'en from BYRON and jokes from BURNAND. + There's fun at your asking wherever you look, + And not a dull page you'll declare in the book. + You'll find it delightful, for no one Macadams + The road of the reader like DAVENPORT ADAMS. + + * * * * * + +LIBERTY AND LICENCE.--It is said that _The Maske of Flowers_ would +never have drawn gold on Monday last to the coffers of that excellent +charity, the Convalescent Home at Westgate-on-Sea had not one of the +Prominent Performers consented to become the responsible and actual +Manager of the "Theatre Royal, Inner Temple." By the terms of his +licence he was bound, amongst other things, to see that no smoking was +permitted in the auditorium, no exhibition of wild beasts was allowed +on the premises, and no hanging took place from the flies. It is +satisfactory to learn (that, in spite of many Benchers being present) +none of these wholesome regulations were infringed. It is true that +the Music of the _Maske_ was duly executed, but then this painful +operation was conducted (by Mr. PRENDERGAST) from the floor of +the building, and not from its roof. Thus the orders of the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN were strictly observed by a Barrister, who can now claim +to have been Manager of a genuine Temple of the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A REMINDER.--Mr. EDMUND B.V. CHRISTIAN, in _Baily's Magazine_, quoted +by the _P.M.G._ last Thursday, complains "that cricket, the most +popular of games, fills so small a space in literature." Does he +forget that CHARLES DICKENS devoted one entire Christmas Book to _The +Cricket on the Hearth_? + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. I.--TO SOCIAL AMBITION. + +DEAR SIR, OR MADAM, + +I trust you will observe and appreciate the discreet ambiguity of +style with which I have chosen to address you. I may assure you at +once that I have done this not without considerable thought. For, +though I have often watched you in the exercise of your energies, I +have never yet been able to satisfy myself as to whether I ought to +class you amongst our rougher sex, or include you in the ranks of +those who wear high heels, and very low dresses. Sometimes you fix +your place of business in a breast adequately covered by a stiff and +shining shirt-front and a well-cut waistcoat. Sometimes you inhabit +the expansive bosom of a matron. Nor do you confine yourself to one +class alone out of the many that go to the composition of our social +life. You have impelled grocers to ludicrous pitches of absurdity; +you have driven the wife of a working-man to distraction because her +neighbour's front room possesses a more expensive carpet, of a sprucer +pattern than her own. Clerks have suffered acutely from your stings, +and actresses have spent many a sleepless night under your malign +influence. You have tortured Dukes on the peaks of gracious splendour +where they sit enthroned as far above common mortals as they ought to +be above the common feeling of envy; and you have caused even Queens +to writhe because there happened to be a few stray Empresses in the +world. + +[Illustration] + +On the whole, then, I think I do wisely in leaving the question of +your sex a doubtful one. You would wish it so left yourself, otherwise +so powerful a personality as yours would, I am certain, have revealed +itself with greater clearness to an honest investigator, such as +I humbly trust I have proved myself. But, be that as it may, I can +assert with perfect confidence that you are no respecter of persons, +though it must, in fairness, be added, that one of your chief +functions seems to be to implant an exaggerated respect and admiration +of others in the minds of your victims. In saying this I praise your +impartiality, while I hint a dislike of your ordinary methods. Not +that I have any hope of causing you to desist. For to desist would be +to cease to exist, and I cannot fairly expect you to commit suicide, +however much I may desire it. Moreover, your subjects--for, to be +candid, you are a despot--seem to like you. You minister so craftily +to their self-esteem, you flatter their vanity with an adroitness +so remarkable, that, after a few feeble struggles, they resign +themselves, body and soul, to your thrall. Even then you proceed +warily. Your first labour is to collect, with patient care, all the +little elements of dissatisfaction that are latent in every nature, +and to blend them with the petty disappointments to which even the +best of us are liable. The material thus obtained you temper with +intentions that seem to be good, and eventually you forge out of it a +weapon of marvellous point and sharpness, with which you mercilessly +goad your victims along the path that leads to ridicule and disaster. + +Let me take an instance which I am sure you will remember. When +I first met little DABCHICK, I thought I had never seen a happier +mortal. He was clever, good-natured, and sprightly. He sold tea +somewhere in Mincing Lane, and on the proceeds of his sales he managed +to support a wife and two pleasant children in reasonable comfort +at Balham. Mrs. DABCHICK could not be accused by her best friends of +over-refinement, but everybody agreed that she was just the homely, +comfortable, housewifely person who would always make DABCHICK happy, +and be a good and careful mother to his children. Often in the old +days when I came down to Balham and took pot-luck with DABCHICK, while +Mrs. DABCHICK beamed serenity and middle-class satisfaction upon me +from the other end of the table, and the juvenile JOHNNY DABCHICK +recited in a piping treble one of Mr. GEORGE R. SIMS's most moving +pieces for our entertainment, often, I say, have I envied the simple +happiness of that family, and gone back to my bachelor chambers with +an increased sense of dissatisfaction. Why, I thought to myself, had +fate denied to me the peaceful domesticity of the DABCHICKS? I was as +good a man as DABCHICK, probably, if the truth were known, a better +than he. Yet there he was with a good wife, an agreeable family, and +a comfortable income to compensate him for his extravagance with the +letter h, while I had to toil and moil in solitary gloom. + +Now, however, all is changed. In an evil moment for himself, DABCHICK +speculated largely and successfully in the Gold Trust of Guatemala. In +a very short time his income was multiplied by ten. The usual results +followed. The happy home in Balham was given up. "People about here," +said DABCHICK, "are such poor snobs"--and a more ornate mansion in +South Kensington was taken in its stead. The old friends and the +old habits were dropped. JOHNNY DABCHICK was sent to Eton with an +immoderate allowance of pocket-money, and was promptly christened +"PEKOE" by his schoolfellows. Mrs. DABCHICK rides in a huge landau +with blue wheels, and leaves cards on the fringes of the aristocracy. +DABCHICK himself aspires to Parliament, and never keeps the same +circle of friends for more than about six months. He knows one shady +Viscount to whom rumour asserts that he has lent immense sums of +Guatemalan money, and the approach of a Marquis makes him palpitate +with emotion. But he is a profoundly miserable man. Of that I am +assured. It amuses me when I meet him in pompous society to address +him lightly as "DAB," and remind him of the dear old Balham days, and +the huge amount of bird's-eye we used to smoke together. For his motto +now is, "_Delenda est Balhamia_"--I speak of course figuratively--and +half-crown havannahs have usurped the place of the honest briar. I +know the poor wretch is making up his mind to cut me, but I must bear +it as best I may. + +Now, my dear Sir or Madam, for this melancholy deterioration in the +DABCHICKS you are entirely responsible. I am saddened as I contemplate +it, and I appeal to you. Scarify Dukes and Duchesses, make vain and +useless social prigs as miserable as you like, but leave the DABCHICKS +of this world alone. They are simple folk, and really I cannot think +that the game is worth the candle. + +Believe me to be, your obedient servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +BROADLY SPEAKING. + +Advised by friend to try Norfolk Broads for holiday. Oulton Broad, +Wroxham Broad, Fritton Decoy (curious name!), Yare, Waveney, and no +end of other rivers. Yachting, shooting, fishing, pretty scenery, +divine air, he says. Have come down to Yarmouth for a start. + +Up the Bure in a yacht, and into river Thurne. All right so far. Fish +scarce. My pilot says, "wait till I get to Hickling Broad. _Full_ of +bream and roach." I agree to wait. + +In Hickling Broad. Surprised to find notice-boards up all round +saying, "sailing" is prohibited in the Broad, also fishing and +shooting! "What's the meaning of this?" I ask pilot. He says, "it's +all the doings of the Lord of the Manor." Wants to keep the Broad free +from tourists. He certainly does it "as to the Manor born." Quite a +village autocrat. Shall I be the "Village HAMPDEN?" I will. + +Fishing. Several men on bank shouting at me. One comes off in a boat +and serves me with a summons. This might almost be called a Broad hint +to go away! But I don't go. I stop and fish. Another man comes off in +boat and threatens me with action "on behalf of riparian owners." Tell +him "ripe-pear-ian season isn't till Autumn, and I shall wait here +till then." He doesn't see the joke--perhaps too broad for him. + +Other yachtsmen, we hear, have been stopped, and threatened. Yachtsmen +up in arms generally. Savage artists wander along banks, denouncing +Lord of Manor of Hickling. Say they have "right of way" along banks +(sounds as if they were Railway Guards). Hear that Lord of Manor is +going to put a gunboat on Broad, also torpedoes. Hear, also, that +Wroxham Broad--one of the biggest--is to be closed in same way. + +Disgusted at such inhospitality. Back to Yarmouth. Give up yacht, +and decide to go to Switzerland instead. Find Yarmouth yacht-owners +furious with Hickling's Lord of Bad Manners. Say "closing the Broads +will ruin them." Very likely, but it'll help the foreign hotel-keeper. +Glad to see they've started a "Norfolk Broads Protection Society," +subscriptions to be sent to Lloyd's Bank. "I know a Bank"--and all +lovers of natural scenery and popular rights ought to know it too, and +help in giving the Hickling obstructionist a "heckling," when he takes +the matter (also the Manor) into Court. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. + +"SEEN THE _ENFANT PRODIGUE_, MR. SOFTEY?" + +"NO; WAITING TILL THEY DO IT IN _ENGLISH_!"] + + * * * * * + +A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +(_A SCENE OF TO-DAY, IN A SHAKSPEARIAN SETTING._) + +_Mr. Punch_. "How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of +'_We Three_?'" + +_Emperor_. Marry, forfend, _Mr. Punch_! Well quoted indeed, and, +pertinently, from the Swan! "A mellifluous, voice, as I am a true +Knight!" But talk not of things triune too openly, lest quidnuncs +overhear, and L-B-CH-RE devise thereanent fresh heckling +interrogations for the Treasury Bench. + +_Mr. Punch_. Nay, Kaiser; 'tis not the actual Triple, but the +conceivable Quadruple, that perturbs the importunates. _We_ Three form +an informal but fast-knit trinity, that can offend none but churls, +and affright none but dullards. Peace, Goodfellowship, Wit! By my +bauble, a triad that PYTHAGORAS himself might have favoured! Talking +of Threes, Kaiser, it's your third visit to us--and, believe me, you +are thrice welcome. + +_Emperor_. "Yea, and I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But +look you, pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at home" (as _Jack +Falstaff_ put it), that--you gird not too suspiciously at those who +would fain embrace her abroad! + +_Mr. Punch_. Well quoted, Sir, though not directed to _mine_ address. +But "A good wit will make use of anything. I will turn diseases to +commodity." Two diseases of the time are, faction and fussiness--the +one a fever, the other a prurigo. The one makes little of greatness, +the other makes much of littleness. You have been the mark of both, +young Hohenzollern! + +_Emperor_. "An't please you, it is the disease of not listening, the +malady of not marking, that _I_ am troubled withal." + +_Mr. Punch_. _Falstaff_ again, and pertinently applied. Fitly did the +Fat Knight say that he was not only witty himself, but the cause that +wit is in other men. + +_Prince_. By cock and pye, _Poins_,--_Punch_ I mean--am _I_ to be out +of this tournament of tags, this joust of quotations? Marry, not so! + + [_Grasps the EMPEROR's hand cordially._ + + "The Prince of WALES doth join with all the world + In praise of--Kaiser WILHELM; by my hopes, + I do not think a braver gentleman, + More active-valiant, or more valiant-young, + More daring, or more bold, is now alive + To grace this latter age with noble deeds." + +_Mr. Punch_. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your Royal Highness +has fairly capped us! _Harry Monmouth_, KAISER, could not more fitly +have + + "Trimmed up your praises with a princely tongue; + Spoke your deserving like a chronicle." + +and _Harry Hotspur_ less deserved the praise. + +_Emperor_. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in brevity." I can +but thank you both! (_To the PRINCE._) + + "By heavens, I cannot flatter; I defy + The tongues of soothers; but a braver place + In my heart's love hath no man than yourself." + +_Mr. Punch_. That's as it should be. If 'twere not always wholly +so--but no matter! I love not to speak in needless or heedless +dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," +but rather-- + + "As in reproof of many tales devised,-- + Which oft the ear of greatness needs must hear,-- + By smiling pick-thanks and base newsmongers." + +Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, _bien entendu_), hath armed us in advance +against even the latest developments of the detestable. The "base +newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned as carefully as the "smiling +pick-thanks." They would set strife between the two sides of a +sixpence or a sovereign. In vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should +admire Nephew, and Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or +better--for both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray +charge your glasses! Something _like_ a Triple Alliance! A Veritable +League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant as the +proceedings on board the _Cobra_ during her passage down the Elbe, +_n'est-ce pas_? No formal appending of Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, +or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual need we for our Amicable Treaty. +A handclasp and a Loving-cup shall suffice us for marking the happy +accord of Peace--Goodfellowship--Mirth!!! These be verily the "Central +Powers," which RUDINI _might_ have referred to when he said,--"Our +Alliance, firmly and sincerely maintained, will assure the Peace of +Europe for a long time to come." So mote it be! Let us toast them--in +a Bumper! + + [_Left doing so._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +"THE PRINCE OF WALES DOTH JOIN WITH ALL THE WORLD IN PRAISE OF--KAISER +WILHELM; BY MY HOPES, I DO NOT THINK A BRAVER GENTLEMAN, + +"MORE ACTIVE-VALIANT, OR MORE VALIANT-YOUNG, MORE DARING, OR MORE +BOLD, IS NOW ALIVE TO GRACE THIS LATTER AGE WITH NOBLE DEEDS."] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY REGATTA. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN OARSMAN._) + +Sir,--This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I +particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion +some remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, +were printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was +meant, and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had +since the occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take +care that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence +that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot +possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable +services to some other paper. The notes and prognostications which +I have laboriously compiled with regard to the final results of the +Regatta will arrive by the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be +found to be extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that +vivid and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous +throughout the civilised world. + +[Illustration] + +There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire +to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means +anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out +to you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an +occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You +said that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic +reporter who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far +degraded himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any +of the absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding +you were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, +I consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These +circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give me +advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much like to +ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are mostly in what +they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a condition of high +irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their tempers are, I +regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I don't wish to +show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands that I should +be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall +remain. + +In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled down to +Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal +Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with +lightships of every description." I remember some years ago passing +a very pleasant half hour on board of a lightship moored in the +neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward +with a lively pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon +as I arrived, therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a +gold anchor embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and +directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent +at least two hours on the river in company with that boy--a very +impudent little fellow,--but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I +failed to find a single vessel which could be fairly described as a +lightship. Finally the boy said they had all been sunk in yesterday's +great storm, and with that inadequate explanation I was forced to +content myself. But there is a mystery about this. Please explain it. + +Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place +announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why +should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, +some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me +a refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I +believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled +to refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be +necessary for them to set an example of true British endurance to the +crowds who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to +be paid for the performance of their duties. + +Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. +Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal +hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' +Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but +went away to execute my orders. After an absence of ten minutes he +returned, and informed me, with the Manager's compliments, that they +could not provide me with what I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup +was excellent. I gave the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is +only another example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of +these crass provincials. Kindly reply, _by wire_, about all the three +points I have mentioned. + +I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate +enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good +many maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look +something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding +along the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their +foolhardy recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. +I have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I +can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course +these ridiculous affairs can't be boats. + +Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very +difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in +this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short +way. + +Yours sincerely, + +THE MAN AT THE OAR. + +_Henley-on-Thames, July 4_. + + * * * * * + +A COMMON COMPLAINT. + +(_BY A DAILY VICTIM._) + +[Illustration] + + O Editors, who earn your daily bread + By giving us all kinds of information, + There's something that I fear ought to be said, + Which may--which will arouse your indignation; + For you may not be happy when it's more than hinted + Your news is such that we can't read it when it's printed. + + Yet I would have you fully understand + The real reason why I choose to quarrel + With what you print--your columns are not banned + Because their contents are at all immoral + Yet if there _is_ a scandal, though a small amount of it, + You sometimes soil your pages with a long account of it. + + Far other reasons urge me to reveal + My feelings on this matter--to assail your + Too common practice, and say why I feel + Your daily efforts are a daily failure; + Your paper by its columns and its size confuses me, + And worse--there's nothing in it in the least amuses me. + + Can you indeed in seriousness suppose-- + To me, I tell you, naught could be absurder-- + That anywhere at all there can be those + Who read the noisome details of a murder, + Or take delight in knowing that in such a county + Some teeming, triple mother earns the Royal Bounty? + + Ibsenity! Amid the maze of words + I find it difficult to pick my way right; + _This_ critic at the Master only girds, + _That_ promptly hails him as the "premier playwright." + Whilst I don't mind confessing that I swear right roundly + At mention of a subject that I hate profoundly. + + Then Parliament--without the slightest doubt + Of all dull things the dullest. What could be more + Distressing than to have to read about + The coming (?) KEAY, whose other name is SEYMOUR? + And now that Patriots' speeches flow with milk and honey, + They're very much less Irish, and of course less funny. + + The Bye-Elections _are_ a little fun, + I laugh to note the jubilant precision + With which you tell me that a seat that's won + Exactly counts two votes on a division, + Though this is all I care for, and am bored at knowing + How pleased is Mr. GLADSTONE with the tide that's flowing. + + Yet all these many, varied forms of pain + Are trifling, small and hardly worth attention. + One thing is so much worse--oh! pray again + The "epidemic" never, never mention, + And promptly tell your poet that the rhyme "cadenza" + Must never more be worked in for the Influenza! + + * * * * * + +DEFEAT--OR SOMETHING NEAR IT. + + When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar + The 'Varsities met in a contest of strength, + 7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would score + A win, which they did--by a lucky _half-length_: + And last week, when the thousands assembled at Lord's + To see Cambridge win by an innings--at Cricket's + Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards + The Light Blues the game--by a _couple of wickets_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY +NIGHT.] + + * * * * * + +A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS. + + The evening shadows gather round the room; + How full of joy it were to sit and greet + The twilight slowly deepening into gloom, + And in the cool forget the noontide heat. + The busy hum, the noise of passing feet, + Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar, + Did there not come to us from out the street, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom, + Approach, and disappear with footsteps fleet, + The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom, + Policemen slowly pace upon their beat. + We buy the blossoms with their fragrance sweet, + And only on our senses sadly jar + The noises of the ruffians who repeat, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The latest aspect of the latest boom, + The starting price of winners and of wheat, + The thousand lives lost in a late simoom, + A conflagration, or a bursting leat, + How gallant gentlemen can stoop to cheat, + The spicy current gossip of the Bar-- + Can all be found in this or that news-sheet, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + L'ENVOI. + + Friend, if you wish for happiness complete, + Look for it in some hamlet distant far. + Forget--where catkins blow and lambkins bleat-- + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--FISH-DIET.--I am writing an important historical work, +which takes a great deal out of my brain, and I shall be glad to know +what is the best kind of diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish +has been strongly recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for +breakfast take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a +herring and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be +necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of oysters be +best for tackling our early Constitutional History?--MACAULAY JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN. + +_Proud Father_ (_reading his Son's School Report_). "MANNERS +VULGAR--VERY VULGAR. BUT PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House, of Commons, Monday, June 29_.--Early promise of JAMES BAIN, +Knight, begins to be realised. Created profound sensation on night he +took his seat, by walking about with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him +with swift stern reproof. BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother +was about. Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go +and have a chat with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; +he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved +three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" and +SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having explained to +him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability +of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he +moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed +remainder of sitting in safety. + +[Illustration: Barran de Leeds.] + +Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat +below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he would stroll out. +Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on. Carefully +took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy +steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made +for the door. As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred +throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared +round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No doubt +about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those thrillingly +solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone +else's by any chance have got on his head? Passed his left hand over +massive brow. No, all right. Best thing to do would be to get off +premises as quickly as possible. So BAIN bolted. + +"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know you +mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an old one. I +know all the ropes in this machine. When you want anything ask me." + +"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask you what +I've done now?" + +"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member on his legs +and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by +the back of the Bench." + +After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached up in +Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden speech. Quite +delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was +sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a +Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School +Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and +original peroration. "Gentlemen," he said,--"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm +for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill." + +This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY FOWLER's. +That admirable in every way; a distinct and far advance on a +Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and ability; an epoch in +a Parliamentary career already notable for its steady progress. Pity +Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the triumph of the most promising of +his recruits of the '80 Parliament. + +_Business done_.--HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to Education Bill +negatived by 267 against 166. + +_Tuesday_.--"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, have not specially +lain in the domain of history," said Professor STOKES, in the course +of a brief address delivered to me in a corner of the Library. "The +pure dry light of mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for +me. Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial +points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had no one +prominently in English public affairs with quite the same influence +as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. The time +is gone by when kings were made and unmade. But my Right Hon. friend +has done more than anyone to make the present Ministry possible, +and, having made them, he claims the right to direct, and, in some +respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious phenomenon, very +curious indeed. If you were not so evidently in a hurry, I should like +to dilate upon it." + +[Illustration: "The pure dry light of Mathematics."] + +A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a rule, most +considerate in his attitude. At much pains to preserve an appearance +suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the Opposition Benches, and is +supposed to know no more of the secret councils and intentions of +the Ministry than anyone else in same quarter of House. Made a slip +in earlier stages of Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and +disclosed familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time +he spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same road. +Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across the table to +explain details of measure, he asked leave to introduce, dealing with +state of things in Highlands and Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN +being much interested in question, having marked it for his own, might +be supposed to have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was +drafted. All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary +Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if LORD-ADVOCATE would +briefly sketch his Bill. + +To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved Amendment +extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which fee grants would +be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, and protested thing +couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate went forward, Ministers +refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to look in after dinner; thinks it +would be well to accept Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, +a very model of debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. +Remarkable state of things; as a study more interesting even than +mathematics. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill in Committee. + +_Thursday_.--Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords for Committee stage. +House unusually crowded; quite animated in appearance; when at +length it gets into Committee LORD CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, +still wearing wig and gown, lends new air of grace and dignity to +Ministerial Bench. Sits between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the +MARKISS thinks of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine +nothing more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to +some half-dozen other of his colleagues. + +[Illustration: Lord Colchester.] + +Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to front, and +modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, once in while, +to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting over Clauses of Bill +in Committee. That sort of obscure labour might suit them, but not +the thing to attract the MCCULLUM MORE. Had already enjoyed himself +on Second Reading, delivering one of those orations which, as +COLCHESTER says, may be magnificent but are not debate. That should +have satisfied vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not +an ordinary man. There were several things he forgot to say in the +speech. Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping +progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in Committee he +must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers anxious to get on with +business, and his observations would probably not be reported. Thing +to do was to move Instruction to Committee. This would bring him on +first thing in a full House, before Peers had wearied themselves with +application to real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't +matter in what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his +speech. MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him _not_ to press +Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had served +its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE stalked off +home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee work. + +_Business done_.--Land Bill through Committee in Lords. + +_Friday Night_.--Education Bill through Committee. Last scene of all +a little lively owing to revolt on Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE +led it in speech of unwonted eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of +imagery: described School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; +that enough by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, +went on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge. + +Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the Member +for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to the House of +Commons _talks_, doesn't speechify; style excellent, and so is the +matter. House would like to hear a little oftener from JENNINGS; due +to it from Stockport who has also sent us GEDGE. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill through Committee. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST. + +THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE. + +[Illustration] + + We gave a little dinner; and I own, + Led by a wish with style to stamp the _fête_, + Palmed off, as though a butler of our own, + A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to wait."-- + I thought he seemed to sway beneath the fish-- + And stagger with a half familiar smile, + When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish + All comes of tryin' to do the thing in shtyle!" + I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix, + And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a Duke! + I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!" + Thus came on me that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + That banquet was our last. No more we "dined," + In, now and then, perchance a friend might drop. + It is our boast that he will ever find + At least the welcome of a homely chop. + Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile, + And can from ostentatious show refrain, + Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style," + I possibly once more may entertain! + And so,--I know not how it came about, + But if by chance, it is a happy fluke + That I at length without the slightest doubt + Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + * * * * * + +QUELCHING QUELCH.--Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour Commission, is said +to have expressed his opinion that "the liberty to combine should +not involve the liberty not to combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that +without "liberty not to combine" there _cannot_ be any "liberty to +combine." For if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, +it is obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is +hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would leave the +workman none. + + * * * * * + +A MASK ON A MASK. + + [A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn during + the hours of sleep, is designed to remove wrinkles.] + + Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face, + Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny ringlets, + Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace, + And flitted like a fairy borne on winglets + From boy to boy, and flirted here and there + With that unchanging smile of rouged enamel, + I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare, + And since the needle's eye doth bar the camel, + 'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase youth, + And peaceful age become a ceaseless playtime; + Still, if you'd wear _two_ masks to hide the truth, + Oh, wear this last one always _in the daytime_." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 11, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13270-8.txt or 13270-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/7/13270/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 11, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13270] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 11, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>MORE <i>POT-POURRI</i> FROM THE PARK.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Park, near Cumberland Gate, on almost + any fine afternoon. Behind the rails separating the turf + from the paths, Orators, Preachers, and Reciters are + holding forth, for the delectation of small groups, who are + mostly engaged in discussing some totally different + subject. A set debate, with a time-limit, and a purely + ornamental Chairman, is in progress between a Parnellite + and an Anti-Parnellite. The reader will kindly imagine + himself to be passing slowly along the line.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Youthful Socialist</i> (<i>haranguing the usual crowd + of well-to-do loungers, and working himself up to the requisite + white-heat of factitious fury</i>). And what are these + Capitalists? I'll tell yer. Jest a lot o' greedy gobblers and + profit-mongering sharks, as eat up the smaller fry. And what + are <i>you</i>? Why, you're the small fish as eat mud—and + let yourselves <i>be</i> gobbled! (<i>The crowd accept this + definition of themselves with perfect gaiety and + good-humour.</i>) Some will tell yer that these lazy, idle + loafers, work as hard as what we do ourselves. (<i>Derisive + laughter at this ridiculous idea.</i>) Mind yer, I'm not saying + they don't. <i>Honly</i>, the 'arder they work, the worse it is + for us; because the more they work the more they <i>rob</i>! + That's what they send their sons to Oxford and to + Cambridge—as was built and endowed for the benefit of us, + the labourin' classes—for. They send 'em there to learn + <i>'ow to rob</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here a discussion breaks out between a</i> Sceptic + <i>and a</i> Spiritualist, <i>who, with half-a-dozen + interested auditors, have been putting their heads together + in a corner.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Sceptic</i>. No,—but keep to the + point,—you're shufflin' the question. I want to argue + this out on logical grounds. I know as well as <i>you</i> do + that, if only I 'ave 'armony and a round table in my family, I + can make that table dance the poker—but what I'm puttin' + to <i>you</i> is (<i>triumphantly</i>), 'ow does that prove to + me as I'm in communication with the Bogie Man? That's what + <i>you've</i> got to answer.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13.png" + alt="'Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!'" /> + </a>"Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!" + </div> + + <p><i>The Y.S.</i>. We Soshalists 'ate the Tories as we 'ate + sin. Why, young polertician as I ham, &c., &c.</p> + + <p><i>The Spiritualist</i> (<i>an elderly and earnest + person</i>). All I can reply to you is, we Spiritualists do not + think—we <i>know</i> that these phenomena + appear—yes, as surely as I know I am 'olding this stick + in my 'and.</p> + + <p><i>The Sceptic</i> (<i>pityingly</i>). There you go again, + yer see—that stick ain't the point. <i>I</i> can see the + stick. A stick ain't a phenomena—you're confusin' two + different things. Now I'm goin' to offer you a fair challenge. + You perdooce me a Spirit—not in a back room, with the + lights out, but <i>'ere</i>, in broad daylight, in this + Park—you get that Spirit to naturalise itself, or + whatever you call it, and I'll <i>believe</i> in 'im. Come, + now!</p> + + <p><i>A Bystander</i>. Ah, that's the way to corner <i>'is</i> + sort. 'E knows 'e carn't <i>do</i> it!</p> + + <p><i>The Spiritualist</i> (<i>with a smile of sad + superiority</i>). Ridicule ain't argyment.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The discussion continues.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Young Socialist</i>. Don't tork to me of Patriotism! + What have the likes of you and me got to be patriotic about? + I'm a Universalist, I am, and so long as a man rallies round + our glorious Red Flag (<i>here he waves a dingy scarlet rag on + a stick</i>), it's all one to me whether his own colour is + black, yeller, green, brown, <i>or</i> white!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Applause.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reciter Number One</i> (<i>in the midst of a thrilling + prose narrative about a certain</i> "'ARRY," <i>who has + apparently got into legal difficulties for having thrown a + cocoa-nut stick at a retired Colonel</i>). Well, I went into + the Court 'ouse, and there, sure enough, was my pore mate 'ARRY + in the dock, and there was hold Ginger-whiskers + (<i>laughter</i>) a setting on the bench along with the hother + beaks, lookin' biliouser, and pepperier, and more + happerplecticker nor ever! "Prison-ar," he sez, addressin' + 'ARRY (<i>imitation of the voice and manner of a retired + Colonel</i>), "Prison-ar, 'ave you—har—hanythink to + say in your beyarf—har?" And then, hall of a sudden, I + sor a flash come into my dear 'ole comride 'ARRY's heyes, as he + strightened 'imself in the dock, and gave the milingtery sloot, + and then, in a voice as sounded as true and sweet and clear as + a bell, he sez—</p> + + <p><i>A Dingy and Unprepossessing Preacher</i> + (<i>unctuously</i>). Well beloved friends, as I was telling + yer, I went 'ome to the 'ouse of that pious Methodist lady, and + she told me as 'ow she 'ad two dear unconverted sons, an' I + knelt down (<i>&c., &c.</i>), an' after that we 'ad our + tea, and then I preached a sermon—ah, I well remember I + took my tex from (<i>&c. &c.</i>)—an' then she + gave me supper (<i>more unctuously still</i>), as nice a bit o' + cold beef and 'ome-brewed ale as ever I wish to taste, and I + slep' that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed—and + this (<i>drawing the inevitable moral</i>) this brings me round + to what I started on, inasmuch as it proves (<i>with a + forbidding smile</i>) as 'ow yer may sometimes hentertain a + angel unawares!</p> + + <p><i>Reciter Number Two</i> (<i>giving his own private version + of "The Ticket of Leave Man."</i>) Fourpence 'ap'ny, Gentlemen, + is <i>not</i> a very 'arty nor corjial recognition of my + talent; <i>'owever</i>, I will now perceed with the Drarmer. + The Curtain rises upon the Second Hact. Hover three years 'ave + elapsed since <i>Robert Brierley</i>—(&c.) We are in + <i>May Hedwardses</i> lodgings. She is torkin to 'er goldfinch. + If you boys don't give over larkin' and stand back, you'll get + a cuff on some of your 'eds. "Goldie," she sez, "I've 'ad a + letter from <i>'Im</i> this morning!" And the bird puts his + little 'ed a one side, and a'most seems as if he compre'ended + 'er meanin'! <i>Mrs. Willoughby</i> is 'eard outside sayin', + "May I come in?" I will now hendeavour to give you a imitation + of <i>Mrs. Willoughby</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He cocks his hat rather more on one side, to + indicate feminine garrulity, and continues.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Anti-Parnellite Irishman</i> (<i>warmly</i>). Is it kape + to the point? Oi till that white-feeced an' black-hearrted + loiar, TIM MURPHY, that if he interrups me wance more whoile + o'im in possession o' the chair, oi'll step down an' call 'm to + orrder by landin' 'um a clump on the conk!</p> + + <p><i>Reciter Number Three</i> (<i>who is working his way + through a bloodcurdling poem, with a hat on the ground before + him</i>):—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And on came them maddened 'orses, with their foiery, + smokin' breath;</p> + + <p>As were bearin' the woman I lurved to a crule and + 'orrible death! [<i>Pathetically.</i></p> + + <p>'Ow could I save my darlin' from layin' a mangled + 'eap</p> + + <p>On the grorss below where the buttercups blow, along + of the innercent sheep!</p> + + <p>(<i>Wildly.</i>) I felt my brine was + reeling—I'adn't a minnit to lose! [<i>He strains + forward, in agony.</i></p> + + <p>With a stifled prayer, and a gasp for air, + I—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked + penny on the grass, and replaces it carefully in the hat + before proceeding.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Bystander</i> (<i>discussing Physical Courage with + a friend</i>). No, I never 'ad no pluck. I don't see the use of + it myself—on'y gits you into rows'. (<i>Candidly.</i>) + I'm a blanky coward, I am.</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i> (<i>admiringly</i>). Give us yer 'and. Yer + can't be a blankier coward than <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The A.P.</i> (<i>with just pride</i>). Oi've been wan o' + the biggest libertines in this or anny other city in me + toime—there's no blagardhism oi'd have put beyant + me—but oi till ye this. If PARNELL was to come up to me + here, now, and ask me to sheek um by the hand, oi'd say, + "Shtand back, ye d——d scoundthrel!" Ah, oi would + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Belated Orator</i> (<i>perorating to an embarrassed + stranger on a seat before him, under a muddled impression that + he is addressing a spell-bound multitude</i>). I tell + yer—yes, hevery man, and hevery woman among + yer—(<i>Here he bends forward, and touches his hearer's + right and left elbow impressively</i>) don't you go away under + the impression I'm talking of what I don't understan'! (<i>The + Stranger shifts his leg and looks another way</i>.) I speak + sense, don't I? <i>You</i> never 'eard nothin' like this afore, + <i>any</i> of yer, <i>'ave</i> yer? That's because I read + between the lines! (<i>Waving his arm wildly</i>.) An' I want + heach man and boy of you to 'member my words, and <i>hact</i> + upon them when the time comes!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here he staggers off with a proud and exalted air, + to the immense relief of his hearer.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Professional Pietist</i> (<i>with a modest working + capital of one hymn and a nasal drone</i>). "My richest gynes" + ... (<i>To Charitable Passer</i>. A copper, Sir? bless your + kind 'art!) "I cayount" ... (<i>Examining it.</i> A bloomin' + French 'ap'ny!) ... "but loss; And pour contemp'" ... (Call + yerself a Christian gen'lman, yer—&c.) ... "on + a—a—ll my proide!"</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Here the Reader will probably have had enough of + it.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A REAL TREAT.—<i>Advice to + Covent-gardeners</i>.—If <i>Carmen</i> is to be done + again this season with the same cast as it had on Saturday + last, no one who cares for an exceptionally first-rate + performance should miss this opera-tunity. There is no better + representative of <i>Carmen</i> than Mlle. ZELIE DE + LUSSAN,—how can there be, since the Spanish Gipsy heroine + of the plot is herself a <i>Loose 'un</i>? Madame MELBA was + charming as <i>Mickie Ella</i>, the Irish girl in Spain. M. + LASSALLE appeared as <i>Escamillo</i>. the bull-fighter, in a + novel, and doubtless a correct, costume, and his great + <i>Toréador</i> song was vociferously encored. Then, finally, + JEAN DE RESKÉ, who made of the usually idiotic <i>Don José</i> + a fine acting as well as a fine singing part. It drew a big + house, and would have been a pretty dish to set before an + Emperor on Wednesday, if, on that occasion, the Opera itself + were the only consideration.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE FIRE KING'S + ABDICATION.</h2><a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My palate is parched with Pierian thirst,</p> + + <p class="i2">Away to Parnassus I'm beckoned."</p> + + <p>I sing of the glories of Fire King the + First!</p> + + <p class="i2">(Who's fit to be Fire King the + Second?)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Captain EYRE MASSEY SHAW is a "Sovereign" + indeed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Abdicating? Alas! that too true + is;</p> + + <p>For he's a Fire King of a different breed</p> + + <p class="i2">From the Monarch described by MONK + LEWIS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No mere King of Flames, fiery-faced <i>à la</i> + SKELT,</p> + + <p class="i2">Inhabiting regions most torrid,</p> + + <p>With a breath that is warranted copper to + melt,</p> + + <p class="i2">And eyes indescribably horrid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He hath not a blazing Bardolphian nose,</p> + + <p class="i2">He is not <i>flamboyant</i> or + furious;</p> + + <p>His Crown's a brass helmet, his Sceptre a + hose;</p> + + <p class="i2">True Fire King,—all others are + spurious.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For he rules the flames; he has done so for + long;</p> + + <p class="i2">And now that he talks of + retiring,</p> + + <p>Men mourn for the fire-queller cautious and + strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose reign they've so long been + admiring.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Clear-headed, cool Captain, great chief + M.F.B.,</p> + + <p class="i2">All London is sorry to lose you;</p> + + <p>As kindly as kingly, from prejudice free;</p> + + <p class="i2">No danger could daunt or confuse + you.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As doffing your helmet, and dropping your + hose,</p> + + <p class="i2">You bid us farewell, we all own + you</p> + + <p>As one of Fiend Fire's most redoubtable + foes;</p> + + <p class="i2">As that thirty years we have known + you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our Big Boards might job, and our Big Wigs might + jaw,</p> + + <p class="i2">But, spite of their tricks and their + cackle,</p> + + <p>One Chief we could trust; we were sure that our + SHAW</p> + + <p class="i2">His duty would manfully tackle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So farewell, great Fire King! Your crown you lay + by;</p> + + <p class="i2">E'en you cannot lay by your + credit.</p> + + <p>Ignipotent Knight? Well, you ought to stand + high</p> + + <p class="i2">In the next Honour-List! <i>Punch</i> + has said it!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OFF TO MASHERLAND.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Grandolph.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>(SECOND LETTER.—B.)</h3> + + <h4><i>The Magnum Opus.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/15-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>À propos</i> of this heading, what a treasure a <i>Magnum + Opal</i> would be. This remark is only "by the way." My motto + is Business First, Play (on words) afterwards. So to work.</p> + + <p>I really think I shall take to Guide-book writing. + <i>Grandolph's Guides</i> would be immensely popular. I'm sure + I can do it—for upon my word I can do a'most anything if + I only buckle to. By the way, '<i>Buckle</i>' suggests history. + Can go in for "making history" when I've done this work. + WILLIAMS—not MONTAGU the Magistrate—(good title + this for something)—but my friend the Companionable + Captain —— is at work; when he has done, he reads + out a few descriptive paragraphs for my approbation, or the + contrary. When I nod it means that I like it; when I don't nod, + he has to wait till I do. I generally begin nodding about the + middle of the first paragraph.</p> + + <p>"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, "I'm glad + you like it all so much."</p> + + <p>"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my + pyjamas, and wondering to myself how I could have been so + absorbed in his reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked + havannah tumble on to the floor.</p> + + <p>"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a + half," returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; + peppery chap, the Captain,—'Curried' Captain when on + board Sir DONALD's boat,—but to resume. Says the Curried + Captain, still a bit annoyed, "You passed all the paragraphs, + one after the other, and whenever I stopped to ask you how you + liked it, you nodded."</p> + + <p>I didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the + fact is that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone + and, I fancy, that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging + by the moiety of my cigar. I must have fallen fast asleep.</p> + + <p>"That's posted, is it?" I ask, evading further explanation. + "It is," he answers. "But I've got another lot—"</p> + + <p>"Good!" I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from + experience I say it, if I don't take myself when in the + humour—'on the hop,' so to speak, as they said of the + <i>scarabæus</i> in Kent—(trust <i>me</i> for natural + history and plenty of it)—I'm no use at all. Now at this + moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another + fragrant weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't + the smallest idea what became of the one I ordered when the + Gallant Graphist commenced reading; I rather suspect he 'put it + to his lips when so dispoged,' and that, in this instance also, + he mistook my nod for silent but emphatic encouragement.</p> + + <p>"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable Author, + "you read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and + I'll chuck in the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's <i>my</i> + drink," I say, with an emphasis on the possessive pronoun, for + the Soldierly Scribe, in a moment of absorption, was about to + apply that process to my liquor. He apologises handsomely, and + commences his recital. In the absence of a gong,—one + ought never to travel without a gong,—I whack the + tea-tray with a paper-knife. "All in to begin!"</p> + + <p>"<i>The mail train</i>," &c., &c. I make my notes, + and remark that MURRAY and BRADSHAW lost a great chance in not + having long ago secured the services of the Corresponding + Captain. "<i>The railroad passes through mountain scenery of + exceptional</i>," &c., &c. BRADSHAW and MURRAY, not to + mention BAEDEKER and BLACK, absolutely not in it with the + Wandering Warrior. "<i>About thirty miles from Cape + Town</i>"—</p> + + <h4>A SIMPLE SUGGESTION.</h4> + + <p>I stop him at this point. "Couldn't we have a song + here?"</p> + + <p>"Why?" asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling + his moustache.</p> + + <p>"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About + thirty miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of <i>Within + a Mile of Edinboro' Town</i>."</p> + + <p>"Don't see it," says the Virtuous Veteran, stolidly.</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is + my way, "if it's a song, I'll make <i>several notes</i> of + it."</p> + + <p>"Um!" growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him + in an attempt at surprising my outpost, <i>i.e.</i>, my tumbler + of cool drink. He apologises gruffly but politely, and then + continues his reading.</p> + + <h4>ON WE GOES AGAIN.</h4> + + <p>He continues to read about "<i>distances," "so many feet + above sea-levels," "engineering skill</i>," &c., &c., + which I observe to him will all make capital padding for a + guide-book, when I am suddenly struck by the sound of the word + I had just used, <i>viz.</i>, 'padding.'</p> + + <h4>PADDINGTON.</h4> + + <p>"By Jove!" I exclaim.</p> + + <p>"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his + MS.</p> + + <p>"'Padding,'" I reply—"Only add a 'ton' to it, and that + will give it just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask + him, impetuously. But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at + his moustache. I explain the idea, as if it were a charade. I + say, "The whole notion is 'padding—ton.' See?"</p> + + <p>The Ruminating Reader thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I + urge—"it will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without + anecdote? Now for an anecdote; and I knock one off, <i>sur le + champ</i>, about the engine-driver, the stoker, and several + other persons, all on the look-out for promotion, informing me + of their being <i>Paddington men of considerable political + influence at home</i>. The Cautious Captain accepts the + anecdote, interpolates it, and after I have called for and + imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted another + cigar, the Conscientious Captain resumes his + entertainment."</p> + + <h4>NO PIANO.</h4> + + <p>He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will + he take something? No? Then <i>I</i> will. His health, and + song—I mean 'treatise,' or whatever he calls it—say + 'lecture.' Wish we'd had a piano. Never will travel without one + again. <i>Mem.</i>—Gong and piano. I don't pretend to be + a thorough musician, but as a one-fingered player I'd give Sir + CHARLES HALLÉ odds and beat him. Now then—let's see where + were we. Another tumbler iced. Good. <i>Allez!</i> Captain, go + ahead!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/15-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Somehow or another, after this—that is, I can only + time it by the fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth + glass of iced drink, or it may have been my half-dozenth, for + time does fly so,—the Captain having, I suspect, drank + the greater part of the previous one whenever I didn't happen + to be looking that way—I begin to think I must have once + more given my assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of which I + could not nave heard more than three pages, as, when I arouse + myself from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the Captain has + gone out, and so has my cigar.</p> + + <h4>AWAY! AWAY!</h4> + + <p>"Action is the word!" said I, suddenly jumping up; and, + having seized a spade, and provided myself with a large sack, + which I carried across my shoulders, I set off for the + diamond-fields. Unrecognised by a soul, I went to work on my + own account; <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> and the brilliant things I + saw—far more brilliant than even the witticisms of + WOLFFY, or the sarcasms of ARTHUR B! Into my sack go + thousands of diamonds! The sack is full! <i>Aladdin</i> and + the Lamp not in it with me! "Hallo!" shouts a voice, + gruffly. I could see no one. "<i>Vox et præterea nil</i>," + as we used to say at Eton. Suddenly I felt myself collared. + I made a gallant attempt at resistance. A spade is a spade I + know, but what is a spade and one against twenty with + pistols and daggers, headed by the redoubtable + Filliblusterer THOMAS TIDDLER himself? "Strip him!" said + T.T., shortly.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/16-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Will you believe that the only way in which in this country + they arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by + denuding you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked + truth, holding you up by the heels for the purpose of shaking + the diamonds out of you, in case any are concealed in your + hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth.</p> + + <p>"He has diamonds on the brain!" I hear some ruffian exclaim, + and in another second—</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Well—what happened I cannot tell you: I must have + fainted. When I came to myself I was lying by the chair in + which I had been previously sitting when listening to the + Captain's reading, and bending over me with a glass of water in + his hand, was the faithful and clever Doctor whose + companionship on this voyage of discovery I am daily and hourly + learning to appreciate at its proper value. I fancy the ship's + crew were round about me, with the Engineer and the Chaplain. I + feel inclined to say, "HARDY, HARDY, kiss me, HARDY!" and then + something about "Tell them at home"—but the words stick + in my throat, as they did in <i>Macbeth's</i> throat (only they + were other words) when he was on his throat-sticking + expedition. (Little Shakspearian reference thrown in here, and + no extra charge.)</p> + + <p>"How many of these has he had?" I hear the Doctor say, and I + perceived that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should + like to explain that, as we were engaged in composition, there + had been 'composing draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the + Clever Captain's voice in reply, but the next minute I felt + myself being lifted up and carried off. I wished to tell them + of my strange adventure, and how I had barely escaped with my + life, but somehow drowsiness overcame me, and I must have + fallen asleep.</p> + + <h4>BUSINESS AS BEFORE.</h4> + + <p>To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I + asked the Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor "if they had + seen anything of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they + only smiled at one another, elevated their eyebrows, then + winked, and laughed.</p> + + <p>What is their little game?</p> + + <p>No matter. I will lie low. My motto is "Diamonds are + trumps." I'm not here as <i>Aladdin</i> for nothing. "Aha!" as + the old melodramatic villain used to say, "a time will come! No + mattar!"</p> + + <h4>RATHER CURRIE-OUS!</h4> + + <p>I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a DONALD + CURRIE steamer—'twas the first opportunity that ever I + had of tasting a DONALD CURRIE, and excellent it is, as of + course, was all our "board" on board—(send this joke to + WOLFFY—he'll work it up and make a real <i>impromptu</i> + sparkler of it—and I don't grudge him the <i>kudos</i> of + it, not one little bit)—or to the change of air, but I am + bound to say openly that I do think the G.O.M. has been right + about most things, especially about Majuba (who was <i>Pa</i> + JUBA? Send this to DRUMMY WOLFFY), and—well, I shall have + more to say on this subject. If this meets the eye of any + friendly person, will he kindly remember me to my Uncle? + Thanks. That's the ticket. More anon. + <a href="images/16-2.png"><img class="inline" + src="images/16-2.png" + width="50%" + alt="(Signature) Grandolph the Explorer." /></a></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY.</h2> + + <p>The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves + into a nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let + as many people as possibel see the grate show on Friday. They + has acshally bin and ordered a grate bilding with rows of + seats, out in Gildhall Yard, enuff to hold about a thousand + Ladies and Gentlemen, all in their best close, with capital + views of ewerybody and ewerythink, and now they are told that + it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing to heat or to + drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least three + hours! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun + Horspitality after that!</p> + + <p>I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy + acshally surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and + their sweet had all gone home, all the whole thousand starving + wisitors should be turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and + drink all the fragments as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery + kind and thortful of you as regards the harf-starved wisitors, + but how about us Waiters? You, with all your experience, + ewidentally don't know the wally of what such eminent Swells as + Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates, and the + skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Why, I have acshally + seen with my own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring of me + which chair a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down + and kiss its harm, wich was nex to kissin <i>his</i> hand, and + then give harf-a-crown for harf a happel as was left on the + plate! Ah, that's what I calls true loyalty, and werry much it + is admired by all of us.</p> + + <p>I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the + Hemperer, has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on + both sides of the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to + Gildhall. And in case the estonishing site shood make him feel + just a leetle dazed, the jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone + and hired no less than three Millingterry Bands of Music to + play to him, and cheer him up.</p> + + <p>There was a talk of engaging all the many German Bands, as + makes our streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade + at Lunch; but Mr. WEST HILL, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, + thort it might be too much for His Madjesty's feelinx, so the + highdear was given up. I werily bleeves that of all the many + anxious buzzoms as is a beating with suppressed emotion for + next Friday, the carmest and the all serenest of the lot is + that of ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A volume most welcome on table or desk</p> + + <p>Is DAVENPORT ADAMS's <i>Book of Burlesque</i>.</p> + + <p>He deals with the subject from earliest days,</p> + + <p>To modern examples and Gaiety plays.</p> + + <p>We've extracts from PLANCHÉ and GILBERT to hand,</p> + + <p>With puns ta'en from BYRON and jokes from + BURNAND.</p> + + <p>There's fun at your asking wherever you look,</p> + + <p>And not a dull page you'll declare in the book.</p> + + <p>You'll find it delightful, for no one Macadams</p> + + <p>The road of the reader like DAVENPORT ADAMS.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>LIBERTY AND LICENCE.—It is said that <i>The Maske of + Flowers</i> would never have drawn gold on Monday last to the + coffers of that excellent charity, the Convalescent Home at + Westgate-on-Sea had not one of the Prominent Performers + consented to become the responsible and actual Manager of the + "Theatre Royal, Inner Temple." By the terms of his licence he + was bound, amongst other things, to see that no smoking was + permitted in the auditorium, no exhibition of wild beasts was + allowed on the premises, and no hanging took place from the + flies. It is satisfactory to learn (that, in spite of many + Benchers being present) none of these wholesome regulations + were infringed. It is true that the Music of the <i>Maske</i> + was duly executed, but then this painful operation was + conducted (by Mr. PRENDERGAST) from the floor of the building, + and not from its roof. Thus the orders of the LORD CHAMBERLAIN + were strictly observed by a Barrister, who can now claim to + have been Manager of a genuine Temple of the Drama.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A REMINDER.—Mr. EDMUND B.V. CHRISTIAN, in <i>Baily's + Magazine</i>, quoted by the <i>P.M.G.</i> last Thursday, + complains "that cricket, the most popular of games, fills so + small a space in literature." Does he forget that CHARLES + DICKENS devoted one entire Christmas Book to <i>The Cricket on + the Hearth</i>?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" + id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. I.—TO SOCIAL AMBITION.</h3> + + <p>DEAR SIR, OR MADAM,</p> + + <p>I trust you will observe and appreciate the discreet + ambiguity of style with which I have chosen to address you. I + may assure you at once that I have done this not without + considerable thought. For, though I have often watched you in + the exercise of your energies, I have never yet been able to + satisfy myself as to whether I ought to class you amongst our + rougher sex, or include you in the ranks of those who wear high + heels, and very low dresses. Sometimes you fix your place of + business in a breast adequately covered by a stiff and shining + shirt-front and a well-cut waistcoat. Sometimes you inhabit the + expansive bosom of a matron. Nor do you confine yourself to one + class alone out of the many that go to the composition of our + social life. You have impelled grocers to ludicrous pitches of + absurdity; you have driven the wife of a working-man to + distraction because her neighbour's front room possesses a more + expensive carpet, of a sprucer pattern than her own. Clerks + have suffered acutely from your stings, and actresses have + spent many a sleepless night under your malign influence. You + have tortured Dukes on the peaks of gracious splendour where + they sit enthroned as far above common mortals as they ought to + be above the common feeling of envy; and you have caused even + Queens to writhe because there happened to be a few stray + Empresses in the world.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/17.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>On the whole, then, I think I do wisely in leaving the + question of your sex a doubtful one. You would wish it so left + yourself, otherwise so powerful a personality as yours would, I + am certain, have revealed itself with greater clearness to an + honest investigator, such as I humbly trust I have proved + myself. But, be that as it may, I can assert with perfect + confidence that you are no respecter of persons, though it + must, in fairness, be added, that one of your chief functions + seems to be to implant an exaggerated respect and admiration of + others in the minds of your victims. In saying this I praise + your impartiality, while I hint a dislike of your ordinary + methods. Not that I have any hope of causing you to desist. For + to desist would be to cease to exist, and I cannot fairly + expect you to commit suicide, however much I may desire it. + Moreover, your subjects—for, to be candid, you are a + despot—seem to like you. You minister so craftily to + their self-esteem, you flatter their vanity with an adroitness + so remarkable, that, after a few feeble struggles, they resign + themselves, body and soul, to your thrall. Even then you + proceed warily. Your first labour is to collect, with patient + care, all the little elements of dissatisfaction that are + latent in every nature, and to blend them with the petty + disappointments to which even the best of us are liable. The + material thus obtained you temper with intentions that seem to + be good, and eventually you forge out of it a weapon of + marvellous point and sharpness, with which you mercilessly goad + your victims along the path that leads to ridicule and + disaster.</p> + + <p>Let me take an instance which I am sure you will remember. + When I first met little DABCHICK, I thought I had never seen a + happier mortal. He was clever, good-natured, and sprightly. He + sold tea somewhere in Mincing Lane, and on the proceeds of his + sales he managed to support a wife and two pleasant children in + reasonable comfort at Balham. Mrs. DABCHICK could not be + accused by her best friends of over-refinement, but everybody + agreed that she was just the homely, comfortable, housewifely + person who would always make DABCHICK happy, and be a good and + careful mother to his children. Often in the old days when I + came down to Balham and took pot-luck with DABCHICK, while Mrs. + DABCHICK beamed serenity and middle-class satisfaction upon me + from the other end of the table, and the juvenile JOHNNY + DABCHICK recited in a piping treble one of Mr. GEORGE R. SIMS's + most moving pieces for our entertainment, often, I say, have I + envied the simple happiness of that family, and gone back to my + bachelor chambers with an increased sense of dissatisfaction. + Why, I thought to myself, had fate denied to me the peaceful + domesticity of the DABCHICKS? I was as good a man as DABCHICK, + probably, if the truth were known, a better than he. Yet there + he was with a good wife, an agreeable family, and a comfortable + income to compensate him for his extravagance with the letter + h, while I had to toil and moil in solitary gloom.</p> + + <p>Now, however, all is changed. In an evil moment for himself, + DABCHICK speculated largely and successfully in the Gold Trust + of Guatemala. In a very short time his income was multiplied by + ten. The usual results followed. The happy home in Balham was + given up. "People about here," said DABCHICK, "are such poor + snobs"—and a more ornate mansion in South Kensington was + taken in its stead. The old friends and the old habits were + dropped. JOHNNY DABCHICK was sent to Eton with an immoderate + allowance of pocket-money, and was promptly christened "PEKOE" + by his schoolfellows. Mrs. DABCHICK rides in a huge landau with + blue wheels, and leaves cards on the fringes of the + aristocracy. DABCHICK himself aspires to Parliament, and never + keeps the same circle of friends for more than about six + months. He knows one shady Viscount to whom rumour asserts that + he has lent immense sums of Guatemalan money, and the approach + of a Marquis makes him palpitate with emotion. But he is a + profoundly miserable man. Of that I am assured. It amuses me + when I meet him in pompous society to address him lightly as + "DAB," and remind him of the dear old Balham days, and the huge + amount of bird's-eye we used to smoke together. For his motto + now is, "<i>Delenda est Balhamia</i>"—I speak of course + figuratively—and half-crown havannahs have usurped the + place of the honest briar. I know the poor wretch is making up + his mind to cut me, but I must bear it as best I may.</p> + + <p>Now, my dear Sir or Madam, for this melancholy deterioration + in the DABCHICKS you are entirely responsible. I am saddened as + I contemplate it, and I appeal to you. Scarify Dukes and + Duchesses, make vain and useless social prigs as miserable as + you like, but leave the DABCHICKS of this world alone. They are + simple folk, and really I cannot think that the game is worth + the candle.</p> + + <p>Believe me to be, your obedient servant,</p> + + <p class="author">DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BROADLY SPEAKING.</h2> + + <p>Advised by friend to try Norfolk Broads for holiday. Oulton + Broad, Wroxham Broad, Fritton Decoy (curious name!), Yare, + Waveney, and no end of other rivers. Yachting, shooting, + fishing, pretty scenery, divine air, he says. Have come down to + Yarmouth for a start.</p> + + <p>Up the Bure in a yacht, and into river Thurne. All right so + far. Fish scarce. My pilot says, "wait till I get to Hickling + Broad. <i>Full</i> of bream and roach." I agree to wait.</p> + + <p>In Hickling Broad. Surprised to find notice-boards up all + round saying, "sailing" is prohibited in the Broad, also + fishing and shooting! "What's the meaning of this?" I ask + pilot. He says, "it's all the doings of the Lord of the Manor." + Wants to keep the Broad free from tourists. He certainly does + it "as to the Manor born." Quite a village autocrat. Shall I be + the "Village HAMPDEN?" I will.</p> + + <p>Fishing. Several men on bank shouting at me. One comes off + in a boat and serves me with a summons. This might almost be + called a Broad hint to go away! But I don't go. I stop and + fish. Another man comes off in boat and threatens me with + action "on behalf of riparian owners." Tell him "ripe-pear-ian + season isn't till Autumn, and I shall wait here till then." He + doesn't see the joke—perhaps too broad for him.</p> + + <p>Other yachtsmen, we hear, have been stopped, and threatened. + Yachtsmen up in arms generally. Savage artists wander along + banks, denouncing Lord of Manor of Hickling. Say they have + "right of way" along banks (sounds as if they were Railway + Guards). Hear that Lord of Manor is going to put a gunboat on + Broad, also torpedoes. Hear, also, that Wroxham Broad—one + of the biggest—is to be closed in same way.</p> + + <p>Disgusted at such inhospitality. Back to Yarmouth. Give up + yacht, and decide to go to Switzerland instead. Find Yarmouth + yacht-owners furious with Hickling's Lord of Bad Manners. Say + "closing the Broads will ruin them." Very likely, but it'll + help the foreign hotel-keeper. Glad to see they've started a + "Norfolk Broads Protection Society," subscriptions to be sent + to Lloyd's Bank. "I know a Bank"—and all lovers of + natural scenery and popular rights ought to know it too, and + help in giving the Hickling obstructionist a "heckling," when + he takes the matter (also the Manor) into Court.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" + id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/18.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/18.png" + alt="INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM." /></a> + + <h3>INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM.</h3> + + <p>"SEEN THE <i>ENFANT PRODIGUE</i>, MR. SOFTEY?"</p> + + <p>"NO; WAITING TILL THEY DO IT IN <i>ENGLISH</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TRIPLE ALLIANCE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Scene of To-day, in a Shakspearian Setting.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. "How now, my hearts! Did you never see the + picture of '<i>We Three</i>?'"</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. Marry, forfend, <i>Mr. Punch</i>! Well + quoted indeed, and, pertinently, from the Swan! "A mellifluous, + voice, as I am a true Knight!" But talk not of things triune + too openly, lest quidnuncs overhear, and L-B-CH-RE devise + thereanent fresh heckling interrogations for the Treasury + Bench.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Nay, Kaiser; 'tis not the actual Triple, + but the conceivable Quadruple, that perturbs the importunates. + <i>We</i> Three form an informal but fast-knit trinity, that + can offend none but churls, and affright none but dullards. + Peace, Goodfellowship, Wit! By my bauble, a triad that + PYTHAGORAS himself might have favoured! Talking of Threes, + Kaiser, it's your third visit to us—and, believe me, you + are thrice welcome.</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. "Yea, and I thank your pretty sweet wit for + it. But look you, pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at + home" (as <i>Jack Falstaff</i> put it), that—you gird not + too suspiciously at those who would fain embrace her + abroad!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Well quoted, Sir, though not directed to + <i>mine</i> address. But "A good wit will make use of anything. + I will turn diseases to commodity." Two diseases of the time + are, faction and fussiness—the one a fever, the other a + prurigo. The one makes little of greatness, the other makes + much of littleness. You have been the mark of both, young + Hohenzollern!</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. "An't please you, it is the disease of not + listening, the malady of not marking, that <i>I</i> am troubled + withal."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. <i>Falstaff</i> again, and pertinently + applied. Fitly did the Fat Knight say that he was not only + witty himself, but the cause that wit is in other men.</p> + + <p><i>Prince</i>. By cock and pye, + <i>Poins</i>,—<i>Punch</i> I mean—am <i>I</i> to be + out of this tournament of tags, this joust of quotations? + Marry, not so!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Grasps the</i> EMPEROR's <i>hand cordially.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Prince of WALES doth join with all the + world</p> + + <p>In praise of—Kaiser WILHELM; by my hopes,</p> + + <p>I do not think a braver gentleman,</p> + + <p>More active-valiant, or more valiant-young,</p> + + <p>More daring, or more bold, is now alive</p> + + <p>To grace this latter age with noble deeds."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your + Royal Highness has fairly capped us! <i>Harry Monmouth</i>, + KAISER, could not more fitly have</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Trimmed up your praises with a princely tongue;</p> + + <p>Spoke your deserving like a chronicle."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and <i>Harry Hotspur</i> less deserved the praise.</p> + + <p><i>Emperor</i>. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in + brevity." I can but thank you both! (<i>To the</i> PRINCE.)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"By heavens, I cannot flatter; I defy</p> + + <p>The tongues of soothers; but a braver place</p> + + <p>In my heart's love hath no man than yourself."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>. That's as it should be. If 'twere not + always wholly so—but no matter! I love not to speak in + needless or heedless dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting + Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," but rather—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"As in reproof of many tales devised,—</p> + + <p>Which oft the ear of greatness needs must + hear,—</p> + + <p>By smiling pick-thanks and base newsmongers."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, <i>bien entendu</i>), hath armed us + in advance against even the latest developments of the + detestable. The "base newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned + as carefully as the "smiling pick-thanks." They would set + strife between the two sides of a sixpence or a sovereign. In + vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should admire Nephew, and + Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or better—for + both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray charge + your glasses! Something <i>like</i> a Triple Alliance! A + Veritable League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant + as the proceedings on board the <i>Cobra</i> during her passage + down the Elbe, <i>n'est-ce pas</i>? No formal appending of + Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual + need we for our Amicable Treaty. A handclasp and a Loving-cup + shall suffice us for marking the happy accord of + Peace—Goodfellowship—Mirth!!! These be verily the + "Central Powers," which RUDINI <i>might</i> have referred to + when he said,—"Our Alliance, firmly and sincerely + maintained, will assure the Peace of Europe for a long time to + come." So mote it be! Let us toast them—in a Bumper!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left doing so.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" + id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/19.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/19.png" + alt="A TRIPLE ALLIANCE." /></a> + + <h3>A TRIPLE ALLIANCE.</h3> + + <p>"THE PRINCE OF WALES DOTH JOIN WITH ALL THE WORLD IN + PRAISE OF—KAISER WILHELM; BY MY HOPES, I DO NOT THINK + A BRAVER GENTLEMAN,</p> + + <p>"MORE ACTIVE-VALIANT, OR MORE VALIANT-YOUNG, MORE + DARING, OR MORE BOLD, IS NOW ALIVE TO GRACE THIS LATTER AGE + WITH NOBLE DEEDS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <h2>HENLEY REGATTA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Oarsman.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Sir,—This letter is private and is not intended for + publication. I particularly beg that you will note this, as on + a former occasion some remarks of mine, which were intended + only for your private eye, were printed. I of course accepted + your assurance that no offence was meant, and that the + oversight was due to a person whose services had since the + occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take care + that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence + that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot + possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my + invaluable services to some other paper. The notes and + prognostications which I have laboriously compiled with regard + to the final results of the Regatta will arrive by the next + post, and will, I flatter myself, be found to be + extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that vivid + and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous + throughout the civilised world.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/21-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>There are one or two little matters about which I honestly + desire to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was + by no means anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In + vain I pointed out to you that my experience of the river was + entirely limited to an occasional trip by steamboat from + Charing Cross to Gravesend. You said that was an amply + sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic reporter who + respected himself and his readers, had ever so far degraded + himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any of the + absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding you + were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, I + consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These + circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give + me advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much + like to ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are + mostly in what they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a + condition of high irritability. Their strokes may be long, but + their tempers are, I regret to say, painfully short. Besides, + to be candid, I don't wish to show the least trace of + ignorance. My position demands that I should be omniscient, and + omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall remain.</p> + + <p>In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled + down to Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice + for the Royal Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river + was dotted with lightships of every description." I remember + some years ago passing a very pleasant half hour on board of a + lightship moored in the neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum + was excellent. I looked forward with a lively pleasure to + repeating the experience at Henley. As soon as I arrived, + therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a gold anchor + embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and + directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I + spent at least two hours on the river in company with that + boy—a very impudent little fellow,—but owing no + doubt to his stupidity, I failed to find a single vessel which + could be fairly described as a lightship. Finally the boy said + they had all been sunk in yesterday's great storm, and with + that inadequate explanation I was forced to content myself. But + there is a mystery about this. Please explain it.</p> + + <p>Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the + place announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly + beats me. Why should the stewards stand? They are presumably + men of a certain age, some of them must be of a certain + corpulence, and it seems to me a refinement of cruelty that + these faithful officials, of whom, I believe, the respected + Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled to refrain from + seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be necessary for + them to set an example of true British endurance to the crowds + who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to + be paid for the performance of their duties.</p> + + <p>Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the + Visitors' Cup. Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one + of the principal hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring + me a quart of Visitors' Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. + He seemed puzzled, but went away to execute my orders. After an + absence of ten minutes he returned, and informed me, with the + Manager's compliments, that they could not provide me with what + I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup was excellent. I gave + the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is only another + example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of these + crass provincials. Kindly reply, <i>by wire</i>, about all the + three points I have mentioned.</p> + + <p>I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been + fortunate enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are + any here. A good many maniacs disport themselves every day in + rickety things which look something like gigantic needles, and + other people have been riding along the bank, and, very + naturally, abusing them loudly for their foolhardy + recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. I + have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess + I can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and + of course these ridiculous affairs can't be boats.</p> + + <p>Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a + very difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of + your paper in this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal + goes a very short way.</p> + + <p>Yours sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">THE MAN AT THE OAR.</p> + + <p><i>Henley-on-Thames, July 4</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A COMMON COMPLAINT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Daily Victim.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/21-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Editors, who earn your daily bread</p> + + <p class="i2">By giving us all kinds of + information,</p> + + <p>There's something that I fear ought to be said,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which may—which will arouse your + indignation;</p> + + <p>For you may not be happy when it's more than + hinted</p> + + <p>Your news is such that we can't read it when it's + printed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet I would have you fully understand</p> + + <p class="i2">The real reason why I choose to + quarrel</p> + + <p>With what you print—your columns are not + banned</p> + + <p class="i2">Because their contents are at all + immoral</p> + + <p>Yet if there <i>is</i> a scandal, though a small + amount of it,</p> + + <p>You sometimes soil your pages with a long account of + it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far other reasons urge me to reveal</p> + + <p class="i2">My feelings on this matter—to + assail your</p> + + <p>Too common practice, and say why I feel</p> + + <p class="i2">Your daily efforts are a daily + failure;</p> + + <p>Your paper by its columns and its size confuses + me,</p> + + <p>And worse—there's nothing in it in the least + amuses me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Can you indeed in seriousness suppose—</p> + + <p class="i2">To me, I tell you, naught could be + absurder—</p> + + <p>That anywhere at all there can be those</p> + + <p class="i2">Who read the noisome details of a + murder,</p> + + <p>Or take delight in knowing that in such a county</p> + + <p>Some teeming, triple mother earns the Royal + Bounty?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ibsenity! Amid the maze of words</p> + + <p class="i2">I find it difficult to pick my way + right;</p> + + <p><i>This</i> critic at the Master only girds,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>That</i> promptly hails him as the + "premier playwright."</p> + + <p>Whilst I don't mind confessing that I swear right + roundly</p> + + <p>At mention of a subject that I hate profoundly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then Parliament—without the slightest + doubt</p> + + <p class="i2">Of all dull things the dullest. What + could be more</p> + + <p>Distressing than to have to read about</p> + + <p class="i2">The coming (?) KEAY, whose other name is + SEYMOUR?</p> + + <p>And now that Patriots' speeches flow with milk and + honey,</p> + + <p>They're very much less Irish, and of course less + funny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Bye-Elections <i>are</i> a little fun,</p> + + <p class="i2">I laugh to note the jubilant + precision</p> + + <p>With which you tell me that a seat that's won</p> + + <p class="i2">Exactly counts two votes on a + division,</p> + + <p>Though this is all I care for, and am bored at + knowing</p> + + <p>How pleased is Mr. GLADSTONE with the tide that's + flowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet all these many, varied forms of pain</p> + + <p class="i2">Are trifling, small and hardly worth + attention.</p> + + <p>One thing is so much worse—oh! pray again</p> + + <p class="i2">The "epidemic" never, never mention,</p> + + <p>And promptly tell your poet that the rhyme + "cadenza"</p> + + <p>Must never more be worked in for the Influenza!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Defeat—or Something Near It.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar</p> + + <p class="i2">The 'Varsities met in a contest of + strength,</p> + + <p>7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would + score</p> + + <p class="i2">A win, which they did—by a lucky + <i>half-length</i>:</p> + + <p>And last week, when the thousands assembled at + Lord's</p> + + <p class="i2">To see Cambridge win by an + innings—at Cricket's</p> + + <p>Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards</p> + + <p class="i2">The Light Blues the game—by a + <i>couple of wickets</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/22.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/22.png" + alt="FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY NIGHT." /> + </a>FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY + NIGHT. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <h2>A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The evening shadows gather round the room;</p> + + <p class="i2">How full of joy it were to sit and + greet</p> + + <p>The twilight slowly deepening into gloom,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in the cool forget the noontide + heat.</p> + + <p class="i2">The busy hum, the noise of passing + feet,</p> + + <p>Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar,</p> + + <p class="i2">Did there not come to us from out the + street,</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom,</p> + + <p class="i2">Approach, and disappear with footsteps + fleet,</p> + + <p>The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom,</p> + + <p class="i2">Policemen slowly pace upon their + beat.</p> + + <p class="i2">We buy the blossoms with their fragrance + sweet,</p> + + <p>And only on our senses sadly jar</p> + + <p class="i2">The noises of the ruffians who + repeat,</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The latest aspect of the latest boom,</p> + + <p class="i2">The starting price of winners and of + wheat,</p> + + <p>The thousand lives lost in a late simoom,</p> + + <p class="i2">A conflagration, or a bursting leat,</p> + + <p class="i2">How gallant gentlemen can stoop to + cheat,</p> + + <p>The spicy current gossip of the Bar—</p> + + <p class="i2">Can all be found in this or that + news-sheet,</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>L'ENVOI.</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Friend, if you wish for happiness + complete,</p> + + <p>Look for it in some hamlet distant far.</p> + + <p class="i2">Forget—where catkins blow and + lambkins bleat—</p> + + <p><i>Globe</i>, <i>Evening News</i>, <i>Pall Mall</i>, + <i>St. James's</i>, <i>Star</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—FISH-DIET.—I am writing an + important historical work, which takes a great deal out of my + brain, and I shall be glad to know what is the best kind of + diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish has been strongly + recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for breakfast + take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a herring + and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be + necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of + oysters be best for tackling our early Constitutional + History?—MACAULAY JUNIOR.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/23-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT + UNWRITTEN.</h3><i>Proud Father</i> (<i>reading his Son's + School Report</i>). "MANNERS VULGAR—VERY VULGAR. BUT + PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House, of Commons, Monday, June 29</i>.—Early + promise of JAMES BAIN, Knight, begins to be realised. Created + profound sensation on night he took his seat, by walking about + with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him with swift stern reproof. + BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother was about. Seeing a + friend on Bench below him, thought he would go and have a chat + with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; he had + cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved + three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" + and SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having + explained to him that though a Member may wear his hat when + seated, the stability of the Constitution is imperilled if he + does not uncover when he moves, albeit a step, to the right or + left, the new Member passed remainder of sitting in safety.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/23-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23-2.png" + alt="Barran de Leeds." /></a>Barran de Leeds. + </div> + + <p>Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from + corner seat below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he + would stroll out. Not going to be caught again moving about + with his hat on. Carefully took it off, and holding it firmly + in right hand, walked with springy steps down Gangway and, + crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made for the door. As + he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred throats + such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared + round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No + doubt about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those + thrillingly solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his + hand; could someone else's by any chance have got on his head? + Passed his left hand over massive brow. No, all right. Best + thing to do would be to get off premises as quickly as + possible. So BAIN bolted.</p> + + <p>"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know + you mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an + old one. I know all the ropes in this machine. When you want + anything ask me."</p> + + <p>"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask + you what I've done now?"</p> + + <p>"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member + on his legs and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should + have gone round by the back of the Bench."</p> + + <p>After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached + up in Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden + speech. Quite delightful; button-holed House as it were; + informed Members he was sent there with a mandate; incidentally + mentioned that he was a Magistrate in several counties; waved + his arm in defiance of School Board and sat down, after + declaiming, with much animation, a new and original peroration. + "Gentlemen," he said,—"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm for the + Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill."</p> + + <p>This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY + FOWLER's. That admirable in every way; a distinct and far + advance on a Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and + ability; an epoch in a Parliamentary career already notable for + its steady progress. Pity Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the + triumph of the most promising of his recruits of the '80 + Parliament.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to + Education Bill negatived by 267 against 166.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, + have not specially lain in the domain of history," said + Professor STOKES, in the course of a brief address delivered to + me in a corner of the Library. "The pure dry light of + mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for me. + Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial + points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had + no one prominently in English public affairs with quite the + same influence as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH + CHAMBERLAIN. The time is gone by when kings were made and + unmade. But my Right Hon. friend has done more than anyone to + make the present Ministry possible, and, having made them, he + claims <span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" + id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> the right to direct, and, in + some respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious + phenomenon, very curious indeed. If you were not so + evidently in a hurry, I should like to dilate upon it."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/24-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-1.png" + alt="'The pure dry light of Mathematics.'" /></a>"The + pure dry light of Mathematics." + </div> + + <p>A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a + rule, most considerate in his attitude. At much pains to + preserve an appearance suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the + Opposition Benches, and is supposed to know no more of the + secret councils and intentions of the Ministry than anyone else + in same quarter of House. Made a slip in earlier stages of + Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and disclosed + familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time he + spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same + road. Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across + the table to explain details of measure, he asked leave to + introduce, dealing with state of things in Highlands and + Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN being much interested in + question, having marked it for his own, might be supposed to + have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was drafted. + All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary + Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if + LORD-ADVOCATE would briefly sketch his Bill.</p> + + <p>To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved + Amendment extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which + fee grants would be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, + and protested thing couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate + went forward, Ministers refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to + look in after dinner; thinks it would be well to accept + Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, a very model of + debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. Remarkable + state of things; as a study more interesting even than + mathematics.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Education Bill in Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords + for Committee stage. House unusually crowded; quite animated in + appearance; when at length it gets into Committee LORD + CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, still wearing wig and gown, + lends new air of grace and dignity to Ministerial Bench. Sits + between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the MARKISS thinks + of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine nothing + more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to + some half-dozen other of his colleagues.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/24-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-2.png" + alt="Lord Colchester." /></a>Lord Colchester. + </div> + + <p>Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to + front, and modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, + once in while, to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting + over Clauses of Bill in Committee. That sort of obscure labour + might suit them, but not the thing to attract the MCCULLUM + MORE. Had already enjoyed himself on Second Reading, delivering + one of those orations which, as COLCHESTER says, may be + magnificent but are not debate. That should have satisfied + vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not an ordinary + man. There were several things he forgot to say in the speech. + Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping + progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in + Committee he must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers + anxious to get on with business, and his observations would + probably not be reported. Thing to do was to move Instruction + to Committee. This would bring him on first thing in a full + House, before Peers had wearied themselves with application to + real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't matter in + what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his speech. + MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him <i>not</i> to press + Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had + served its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE + stalked off home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee + work.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Land Bill through Committee in + Lords.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Education Bill through Committee. + Last scene of all a little lively owing to revolt on + Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE led it in speech of unwonted + eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of imagery: described + School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; that enough + by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, went + on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge.</p> + + <p>Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the + Member for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to + the House of Commons <i>talks</i>, doesn't speechify; style + excellent, and so is the matter. House would like to hear a + little oftener from JENNINGS; due to it from Stockport who has + also sent us GEDGE.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Education Bill through + Committee.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST.</h2> + + <h3>THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/24-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We gave a little dinner; and I own,</p> + + <p class="i2">Led by a wish with style to stamp the + <i>fête</i>,</p> + + <p>Palmed off, as though a butler of our own,</p> + + <p class="i2">A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to + wait."—</p> + + <p>I thought he seemed to sway beneath the + fish—</p> + + <p class="i2">And stagger with a half familiar + smile,</p> + + <p>When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish</p> + + <p class="i2">All comes of tryin' to do the thing in + shtyle!"</p> + + <p>I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix,</p> + + <p class="i2">And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a + Duke!</p> + + <p>I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Thus came on me that Greengrocer's + Rebuke!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That banquet was our last. No more we "dined,"</p> + + <p class="i2">In, now and then, perchance a friend + might drop.</p> + + <p>It is our boast that he will ever find</p> + + <p class="i2">At least the welcome of a homely + chop.</p> + + <p>Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile,</p> + + <p class="i2">And can from ostentatious show + refrain,</p> + + <p>Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style,"</p> + + <p class="i2">I possibly once more may entertain!</p> + + <p>And so,—I know not how it came about,</p> + + <p class="i2">But if by chance, it is a happy fluke</p> + + <p>That I at length without the slightest doubt</p> + + <p class="i2">Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's + Rebuke!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>QUELCHING QUELCH.—Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour + Commission, is said to have expressed his opinion that "the + liberty to combine should not involve the liberty not to + combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that without "liberty not to + combine" there <i>cannot</i> be any "liberty to combine." For + if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, it is + obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is + hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would + leave the workman none.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A MASK ON A MASK.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn + during the hours of sleep, is designed to remove + wrinkles.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face,</p> + + <p class="i2">Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny + ringlets,</p> + + <p>Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace,</p> + + <p class="i2">And flitted like a fairy borne on + winglets</p> + + <p>From boy to boy, and flirted here and there</p> + + <p class="i2">With that unchanging smile of rouged + enamel,</p> + + <p>I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare,</p> + + <p class="i2">And since the needle's eye doth bar the + camel,</p> + + <p>'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase + youth,</p> + + <p class="i2">And peaceful age become a ceaseless + playtime;</p> + + <p>Still, if you'd wear <i>two</i> masks to hide the + truth,</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, wear this last one always <i>in the + daytime</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, July 11, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13270-h.htm or 13270-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/7/13270/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, July 11, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13270] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +July 11, 1891. + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +MORE _POT-POURRI_ FROM THE PARK. + + SCENE--_The Park, near Cumberland Gate, on almost any fine + afternoon. Behind the rails separating the turf from the + paths, Orators, Preachers, and Reciters are holding forth, + for the delectation of small groups, who are mostly engaged in + discussing some totally different subject. A set debate, with + a time-limit, and a purely ornamental Chairman, is in progress + between a Parnellite and an Anti-Parnellite. The reader will + kindly imagine himself to be passing slowly along the line._ + +_A Youthful Socialist_ (_haranguing the usual crowd of well-to-do +loungers, and working himself up to the requisite white-heat of +factitious fury_). And what are these Capitalists? I'll tell yer. Jest +a lot o' greedy gobblers and profit-mongering sharks, as eat up the +smaller fry. And what are _you_? Why, you're the small fish as +eat mud--and let yourselves _be_ gobbled! (_The crowd accept this +definition of themselves with perfect gaiety and good-humour._) Some +will tell yer that these lazy, idle loafers, work as hard as what we +do ourselves. (_Derisive laughter at this ridiculous idea._) Mind yer, +I'm not saying they don't. _Honly_, the 'arder they work, the worse +it is for us; because the more they work the more they _rob_! That's +what they send their sons to Oxford and to Cambridge--as was built and +endowed for the benefit of us, the labourin' classes--for. They send +'em there to learn _'ow to rob_! + + [_Here a discussion breaks out between a Sceptic and a + Spiritualist, who, with half-a-dozen interested auditors, + have been putting their heads together in a corner._ + +_The Sceptic_. No,--but keep to the point,--you're shufflin' the +question. I want to argue this out on logical grounds. I know as +well as _you_ do that, if only I 'ave 'armony and a round table in my +family, I can make that table dance the poker--but what I'm puttin' +to _you_ is (_triumphantly_), 'ow does that prove to me as I'm in +communication with the Bogie Man? That's what _you've_ got to answer. + +[Illustration: "Yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares!"] + +_The Y.S._. We Soshalists 'ate the Tories as we 'ate sin. Why, young +polertician as I ham, &c., &c. + +_The Spiritualist_ (_an elderly and earnest person_). All I can +reply to you is, we Spiritualists do not think--we _know_ that these +phenomena appear--yes, as surely as I know I am 'olding this stick in +my 'and. + +_The Sceptic_ (_pityingly_). There you go again, yer see--that +stick ain't the point. _I_ can see the stick. A stick ain't a +phenomena--you're confusin' two different things. Now I'm goin' to +offer you a fair challenge. You perdooce me a Spirit--not in a back +room, with the lights out, but _'ere_, in broad daylight, in this +Park--you get that Spirit to naturalise itself, or whatever you call +it, and I'll _believe_ in 'im. Come, now! + +_A Bystander_. Ah, that's the way to corner _'is_ sort. 'E knows 'e +carn't _do_ it! + +_The Spiritualist_ (_with a smile of sad superiority_). Ridicule ain't +argyment. [_The discussion continues._ + +_The Young Socialist_. Don't tork to me of Patriotism! What have the +likes of you and me got to be patriotic about? I'm a Universalist, I +am, and so long as a man rallies round our glorious Red Flag (_here he +waves a dingy scarlet rag on a stick_), it's all one to me whether his +own colour is black, yeller, green, brown, _or_ white! + + [_Applause._ + +_Reciter Number One_ (_in the midst of a thrilling prose narrative +about a certain_ "'ARRY," _who has apparently got into legal +difficulties for having thrown a cocoa-nut stick at a retired +Colonel_). Well, I went into the Court 'ouse, and there, sure enough, +was my pore mate 'ARRY in the dock, and there was hold Ginger-whiskers +(_laughter_) a setting on the bench along with the hother beaks, +lookin' biliouser, and pepperier, and more happerplecticker nor ever! +"Prison-ar," he sez, addressin' 'ARRY (_imitation of the voice and +manner of a retired Colonel_), "Prison-ar, 'ave you--har--hanythink +to say in your beyarf--har?" And then, hall of a sudden, I sor a +flash come into my dear 'ole comride 'ARRY's heyes, as he strightened +'imself in the dock, and gave the milingtery sloot, and then, in a +voice as sounded as true and sweet and clear as a bell, he sez-- + +_A Dingy and Unprepossessing Preacher_ (_unctuously_). Well beloved +friends, as I was telling yer, I went 'ome to the 'ouse of that pious +Methodist lady, and she told me as 'ow she 'ad two dear unconverted +sons, an' I knelt down (_&c., &c._), an' after that we 'ad our tea, +and then I preached a sermon--ah, I well remember I took my tex from +(_&c. &c._)--an' then she gave me supper (_more unctuously still_), as +nice a bit o' cold beef and 'ome-brewed ale as ever I wish to taste, +and I slep' that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed--and this +(_drawing the inevitable moral_) this brings me round to what I +started on, inasmuch as it proves (_with a forbidding smile_) as 'ow +yer may sometimes hentertain a angel unawares! + +_Reciter Number Two_ (_giving his own private version of "The Ticket +of Leave Man."_) Fourpence 'ap'ny, Gentlemen, is _not_ a very 'arty +nor corjial recognition of my talent; _'owever_, I will now perceed +with the Drarmer. The Curtain rises upon the Second Hact. Hover three +years 'ave elapsed since _Robert Brierley_--(&c.) We are in _May +Hedwardses_ lodgings. She is torkin to 'er goldfinch. If you boys +don't give over larkin' and stand back, you'll get a cuff on some +of your 'eds. "Goldie," she sez, "I've 'ad a letter from _'Im_ this +morning!" And the bird puts his little 'ed a one side, and a'most +seems as if he compre'ended 'er meanin'! _Mrs. Willoughby_ is 'eard +outside sayin', "May I come in?" I will now hendeavour to give you a +imitation of _Mrs. Willoughby_. + + [_He cocks his hat rather more on one side, to indicate + feminine garrulity, and continues._ + +_Anti-Parnellite Irishman_ (_warmly_). Is it kape to the point? Oi +till that white-feeced an' black-hearrted loiar, TIM MURPHY, that if +he interrups me wance more whoile o'im in possession o' the chair, +oi'll step down an' call 'm to orrder by landin' 'um a clump on the +conk! + +_Reciter Number Three_ (_who is working his way through a +bloodcurdling poem, with a hat on the ground before him_):-- + + And on came them maddened 'orses, with their foiery, smokin' breath; + As were bearin' the woman I lurved to a crule and 'orrible death! + [_Pathetically._ + 'Ow could I save my darlin' from layin' a mangled 'eap + On the grorss below where the buttercups blow, along of the innercent sheep! + (_Wildly._) I felt my brine was reeling--I'adn't a minnit to lose! + [_He strains forward, in agony._ + With a stifled prayer, and a gasp for air, I-- + + [_Here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked penny + on the grass, and replaces it carefully in the hat before + proceeding._ + +_First Bystander_ (_discussing Physical Courage with a friend_). No, +I never 'ad no pluck. I don't see the use of it myself--on'y gits you +into rows'. (_Candidly._) I'm a blanky coward, I am. + +_His Friend_ (_admiringly_). Give us yer 'and. Yer can't be a blankier +coward than _me_! + +_The A.P._ (_with just pride_). Oi've been wan o' the biggest +libertines in this or anny other city in me toime--there's no +blagardhism oi'd have put beyant me--but oi till ye this. If PARNELL +was to come up to me here, now, and ask me to sheek um by the hand, +oi'd say, "Shtand back, ye d----d scoundthrel!" Ah, oi would _that_! + +_Belated Orator_ (_perorating to an embarrassed stranger on a seat +before him, under a muddled impression that he is addressing a +spell-bound multitude_). I tell yer--yes, hevery man, and hevery woman +among yer--(_Here he bends forward, and touches his hearer's right and +left elbow impressively_) don't you go away under the impression I'm +talking of what I don't understan'! (_The Stranger shifts his leg and +looks another way_.) I speak sense, don't I? _You_ never 'eard nothin' +like this afore, _any_ of yer, _'ave_ yer? That's because I read +between the lines! (_Waving his arm wildly._) An' I want heach man +and boy of you to 'member my words, and _hact_ upon them when the time +comes! + + [_Here he staggers off with a proud and exalted air, to the + immense relief of his hearer._ + +_A Professional Pietist_ (_with a modest working capital of one hymn +and a nasal drone_). "My richest gynes" ... (_To Charitable Passer_. A +copper, Sir? bless your kind 'art!) "I cayount" ... (_Examining it._ +A bloomin' French 'ap'ny!) ... "but loss; And pour contemp'" ... (Call +yerself a Christian gen'lman, yer--&c.) ... "on a--a--ll my proide!" + + (_Here the Reader will probably have had enough of it._) + + * * * * * + +A REAL TREAT.--_Advice to Covent-gardeners_.--If _Carmen_ is to be +done again this season with the same cast as it had on Saturday last, +no one who cares for an exceptionally first-rate performance should +miss this opera-tunity. There is no better representative of _Carmen_ +than Mlle. ZELIE DE LUSSAN,--how can there be, since the Spanish +Gipsy heroine of the plot is herself a _Loose 'un_? Madame MELBA +was charming as _Mickie Ella_, the Irish girl in Spain. M. LASSALLE +appeared as _Escamillo_. the bull-fighter, in a novel, and doubtless +a correct, costume, and his great _Toreador_ song was vociferously +encored. Then, finally, JEAN DE RESKE, who made of the usually idiotic +_Don Jose_ a fine acting as well as a fine singing part. It drew a +big house, and would have been a pretty dish to set before an Emperor +on Wednesday, if, on that occasion, the Opera itself were the only +consideration. + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE KING'S ABDICATION. + +[Illustration] + + "My palate is parched with Pierian thirst, + Away to Parnassus I'm beckoned." + I sing of the glories of Fire King the First! + (Who's fit to be Fire King the Second?) + + Captain EYRE MASSEY SHAW is a "Sovereign" indeed, + Abdicating? Alas! that too true is; + For he's a Fire King of a different breed + From the Monarch described by MONK LEWIS. + + No mere King of Flames, fiery-faced _a la_ SKELT, + Inhabiting regions most torrid, + With a breath that is warranted copper to melt, + And eyes indescribably horrid. + + He hath not a blazing Bardolphian nose, + He is not _flamboyant_ or furious; + His Crown's a brass helmet, his Sceptre a hose; + True Fire King,--all others are spurious. + + For he rules the flames; he has done so for long; + And now that he talks of retiring, + Men mourn for the fire-queller cautious and strong, + Whose reign they've so long been admiring. + + Clear-headed, cool Captain, great chief M.F.B., + All London is sorry to lose you; + As kindly as kingly, from prejudice free; + No danger could daunt or confuse you. + + As doffing your helmet, and dropping your hose, + You bid us farewell, we all own you + As one of Fiend Fire's most redoubtable foes; + As that thirty years we have known you. + + Our Big Boards might job, and our Big Wigs might jaw, + But, spite of their tricks and their cackle, + One Chief we could trust; we were sure that our SHAW + His duty would manfully tackle. + + So farewell, great Fire King! Your crown you lay by; + E'en you cannot lay by your credit. + Ignipotent Knight? Well, you ought to stand high + In the next Honour-List! _Punch_ has said it! + + * * * * * + +OFF TO MASHERLAND. + +(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._) + +(SECOND LETTER.--B.) + +_THE MAGNUM OPUS._ + +[Illustration] + +_A propos_ of this heading, what a treasure a _Magnum Opal_ would be. +This remark is only "by the way." My motto is Business First, Play (on +words) afterwards. So to work. + +I really think I shall take to Guide-book writing. _Grandolph's +Guides_ would be immensely popular. I'm sure I can do it--for upon +my word I can do a'most anything if I only buckle to. By the way, +'_Buckle_' suggests history. Can go in for "making history" when I've +done this work. WILLIAMS--not MONTAGU the Magistrate--(good title this +for something)--but my friend the Companionable Captain ---- is at +work; when he has done, he reads out a few descriptive paragraphs for +my approbation, or the contrary. When I nod it means that I like it; +when I don't nod, he has to wait till I do. I generally begin nodding +about the middle of the first paragraph. + +"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, "I'm glad you like it +all so much." + +"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my pyjamas, +and wondering to myself how I could have been so absorbed in his +reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked havannah tumble on to the +floor. + +"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a half," +returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; peppery chap, the +Captain,--'Curried' Captain when on board Sir DONALD's boat,--but to +resume. Says the Curried Captain, still a bit annoyed, "You passed all +the paragraphs, one after the other, and whenever I stopped to ask you +how you liked it, you nodded." + +I didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the fact is +that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone and, I fancy, +that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging by the moiety of my +cigar. I must have fallen fast asleep. + +"That's posted, is it?" I ask, evading further explanation. "It is," +he answers. "But I've got another lot--" + +"Good!" I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from experience +I say it, if I don't take myself when in the humour--'on the hop,' so +to speak, as they said of the _scarabaeus_ in Kent--(trust _me_ for +natural history and plenty of it)--I'm no use at all. Now at this +moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another fragrant +weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't the smallest idea +what became of the one I ordered when the Gallant Graphist commenced +reading; I rather suspect he 'put it to his lips when so dispoged,' +and that, in this instance also, he mistook my nod for silent but +emphatic encouragement. + +"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable Author, "you +read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and I'll chuck in +the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's _my_ drink," I say, with an +emphasis on the possessive pronoun, for the Soldierly Scribe, in a +moment of absorption, was about to apply that process to my liquor. He +apologises handsomely, and commences his recital. In the absence of a +gong,--one ought never to travel without a gong,--I whack the tea-tray +with a paper-knife. "All in to begin!" + +"_The mail train_," &c., &c. I make my notes, and remark that MURRAY +and BRADSHAW lost a great chance in not having long ago secured the +services of the Corresponding Captain. "_The railroad passes through +mountain scenery of exceptional_," &c., &c. BRADSHAW and MURRAY, not +to mention BAEDEKER and BLACK, absolutely not in it with the Wandering +Warrior. "_About thirty miles from Cape Town_"-- + +A SIMPLE SUGGESTION. + +I stop him at this point. "Couldn't we have a song here?" + +"Why?" asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling his +moustache. + +"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About thirty +miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of _Within a Mile of +Edinboro' Town_." + +"Don't see it," says the Virtuous Veteran, stolidly. + +"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is my way, +"if it's a song, I'll make _several notes_ of it." + +"Um!" growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him in an +attempt at surprising my outpost, i.e., my tumbler of cool drink. He +apologises gruffly but politely, and then continues his reading. + +ON WE GOES AGAIN. + +He continues to read about "_distances," "so many feet above +sea-levels," "engineering skill_," &c., &c., which I observe to him +will all make capital padding for a guide-book, when I am suddenly +struck by the sound of the word I had just used, _viz._, 'padding.' + +PADDINGTON. + +"By Jove!" I exclaim. + +"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his MS. + +"'Padding,'" I reply--"Only add a 'ton' to it, and that will give it +just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask him, impetuously. +But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at his moustache. I explain +the idea, as if it were a charade. I say, "The whole notion is +'padding--ton.' See?" + +The Ruminating Reader thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I urge--"it +will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without anecdote? Now +for an anecdote; and I knock one off, _sur le champ_, about the +engine-driver, the stoker, and several other persons, all on the +look-out for promotion, informing me of their being _Paddington men +of considerable political influence at home_. The Cautious Captain +accepts the anecdote, interpolates it, and after I have called for and +imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted another cigar, +the Conscientious Captain resumes his entertainment." + +NO PIANO. + +He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will he take +something? No? Then _I_ will. His health, and song--I mean 'treatise,' +or whatever he calls it--say 'lecture.' Wish we'd had a piano. Never +will travel without one again. _Mem._--Gong and piano. I don't pretend +to be a thorough musician, but as a one-fingered player I'd give Sir +CHARLES HALLE odds and beat him. Now then--let's see where were we. +Another tumbler iced. Good. _Allez!_ Captain, go ahead! + +[Illustration] + +Somehow or another, after this--that is, I can only time it by the +fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth glass of iced drink, or +it may have been my half-dozenth, for time does fly so,--the Captain +having, I suspect, drank the greater part of the previous one whenever +I didn't happen to be looking that way--I begin to think I must have +once more given my assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of which I +could not nave heard more than three pages, as, when I arouse myself +from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the Captain has gone out, and +so has my cigar. + +AWAY! AWAY! + +"Action is the word!" said I, suddenly jumping up; and, having seized +a spade, and provided myself with a large sack, which I carried across +my shoulders, I set off for the diamond-fields. Unrecognised by a +soul, I went to work on my own account; and the brilliant things I +saw--far more brilliant than even the witticisms of WOLFFY, or the +sarcasms of ARTHUR B! Into my sack go thousands of diamonds! The sack +is full! _Aladdin_ and the Lamp not in it with me! "Hallo!" shouts +a voice, gruffly. I could see no one. "_Vox et praeterea nil_," as we +used to say at Eton. Suddenly I felt myself collared. I made a gallant +attempt at resistance. A spade is a spade I know, but what is a +spade and one against twenty with pistols and daggers, headed by the +redoubtable Filliblusterer THOMAS TIDDLER himself? "Strip him!" said +T.T., shortly. + +[Illustration] + +Will you believe that the only way in which in this country they +arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by denuding +you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked truth, holding you +up by the heels for the purpose of shaking the diamonds out of you, in +case any are concealed in your hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth. + +"He has diamonds on the brain!" I hear some ruffian exclaim, and in +another second-- + + * * * * * + +Well--what happened I cannot tell you: I must have fainted. When I +came to myself I was lying by the chair in which I had been previously +sitting when listening to the Captain's reading, and bending over me +with a glass of water in his hand, was the faithful and clever Doctor +whose companionship on this voyage of discovery I am daily and hourly +learning to appreciate at its proper value. I fancy the ship's crew +were round about me, with the Engineer and the Chaplain. I feel +inclined to say, "HARDY, HARDY, kiss me, HARDY!" and then something +about "Tell them at home"--but the words stick in my throat, as they +did in _Macbeth's_ throat (only they were other words) when he was on +his throat-sticking expedition. (Little Shakspearian reference thrown +in here, and no extra charge.) + +"How many of these has he had?" I hear the Doctor say, and I perceived +that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should like to explain +that, as we were engaged in composition, there had been 'composing +draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the Clever Captain's voice in +reply, but the next minute I felt myself being lifted up and carried +off. I wished to tell them of my strange adventure, and how I had +barely escaped with my life, but somehow drowsiness overcame me, and +I must have fallen asleep. + +BUSINESS AS BEFORE. + +To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I asked the +Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor "if they had seen anything +of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they only smiled at one +another, elevated their eyebrows, then winked, and laughed. + +What is their little game? + +No matter. I will lie low. My motto is "Diamonds are trumps." I'm not +here as _Aladdin_ for nothing. "Aha!" as the old melodramatic villain +used to say, "a time will come! No mattar!" + +RATHER CURRIE-OUS! + +I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a DONALD CURRIE +steamer--'twas the first opportunity that ever I had of tasting a +DONALD CURRIE, and excellent it is, as of course, was all our "board" +on board--(send this joke to WOLFFY--he'll work it up and make a real +_impromptu_ sparkler of it--and I don't grudge him the _kudos_ of it, +not one little bit)--or to the change of air, but I am bound to say +openly that I do think the G.O.M. has been right about most things, +especially about Majuba (who was _Pa_ JUBA? Send this to DRUMMY +WOLFFY), and--well, I shall have more to say on this subject. If this +meets the eye of any friendly person, will he kindly remember me to my +Uncle? Thanks. That's the ticket. More anon. + +[Illustration: (Signature) Grandolph the Explorer.] + + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY. + +The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves into a +nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let as many people +as possibel see the grate show on Friday. They has acshally bin and +ordered a grate bilding with rows of seats, out in Gildhall Yard, +enuff to hold about a thousand Ladies and Gentlemen, all in their best +close, with capital views of ewerybody and ewerythink, and now they +are told that it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing to heat +or to drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least three +hours! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun Horspitality +after that! + +I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy acshally +surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and their sweet had +all gone home, all the whole thousand starving wisitors should be +turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and drink all the fragments +as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery kind and thortful of you as +regards the harf-starved wisitors, but how about us Waiters? You, with +all your experience, ewidentally don't know the wally of what such +eminent Swells as Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates, and +the skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Why, I have acshally seen +with my own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring of me which chair +a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down and kiss its harm, +wich was nex to kissin _his_ hand, and then give harf-a-crown for +harf a happel as was left on the plate! Ah, that's what I calls true +loyalty, and werry much it is admired by all of us. + +I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the Hemperer, +has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on both sides of +the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to Gildhall. And in +case the estonishing site shood make him feel just a leetle dazed, the +jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone and hired no less than three +Millingterry Bands of Music to play to him, and cheer him up. + +There was a talk of engaging all the many German Bands, as makes our +streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade at Lunch; but Mr. +WEST HILL, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, thort it might be too much +for His Madjesty's feelinx, so the highdear was given up. I werily +bleeves that of all the many anxious buzzoms as is a beating with +suppressed emotion for next Friday, the carmest and the all serenest +of the lot is that of ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE." + + A volume most welcome on table or desk + Is DAVENPORT ADAMS's _Book of Burlesque_. + He deals with the subject from earliest days, + To modern examples and Gaiety plays. + We've extracts from PLANCHE and GILBERT to hand, + With puns ta'en from BYRON and jokes from BURNAND. + There's fun at your asking wherever you look, + And not a dull page you'll declare in the book. + You'll find it delightful, for no one Macadams + The road of the reader like DAVENPORT ADAMS. + + * * * * * + +LIBERTY AND LICENCE.--It is said that _The Maske of Flowers_ would +never have drawn gold on Monday last to the coffers of that excellent +charity, the Convalescent Home at Westgate-on-Sea had not one of the +Prominent Performers consented to become the responsible and actual +Manager of the "Theatre Royal, Inner Temple." By the terms of his +licence he was bound, amongst other things, to see that no smoking was +permitted in the auditorium, no exhibition of wild beasts was allowed +on the premises, and no hanging took place from the flies. It is +satisfactory to learn (that, in spite of many Benchers being present) +none of these wholesome regulations were infringed. It is true that +the Music of the _Maske_ was duly executed, but then this painful +operation was conducted (by Mr. PRENDERGAST) from the floor of +the building, and not from its roof. Thus the orders of the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN were strictly observed by a Barrister, who can now claim +to have been Manager of a genuine Temple of the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A REMINDER.--Mr. EDMUND B.V. CHRISTIAN, in _Baily's Magazine_, quoted +by the _P.M.G._ last Thursday, complains "that cricket, the most +popular of games, fills so small a space in literature." Does he +forget that CHARLES DICKENS devoted one entire Christmas Book to _The +Cricket on the Hearth_? + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. I.--TO SOCIAL AMBITION. + +DEAR SIR, OR MADAM, + +I trust you will observe and appreciate the discreet ambiguity of +style with which I have chosen to address you. I may assure you at +once that I have done this not without considerable thought. For, +though I have often watched you in the exercise of your energies, I +have never yet been able to satisfy myself as to whether I ought to +class you amongst our rougher sex, or include you in the ranks of +those who wear high heels, and very low dresses. Sometimes you fix +your place of business in a breast adequately covered by a stiff and +shining shirt-front and a well-cut waistcoat. Sometimes you inhabit +the expansive bosom of a matron. Nor do you confine yourself to one +class alone out of the many that go to the composition of our social +life. You have impelled grocers to ludicrous pitches of absurdity; +you have driven the wife of a working-man to distraction because her +neighbour's front room possesses a more expensive carpet, of a sprucer +pattern than her own. Clerks have suffered acutely from your stings, +and actresses have spent many a sleepless night under your malign +influence. You have tortured Dukes on the peaks of gracious splendour +where they sit enthroned as far above common mortals as they ought to +be above the common feeling of envy; and you have caused even Queens +to writhe because there happened to be a few stray Empresses in the +world. + +[Illustration] + +On the whole, then, I think I do wisely in leaving the question of +your sex a doubtful one. You would wish it so left yourself, otherwise +so powerful a personality as yours would, I am certain, have revealed +itself with greater clearness to an honest investigator, such as +I humbly trust I have proved myself. But, be that as it may, I can +assert with perfect confidence that you are no respecter of persons, +though it must, in fairness, be added, that one of your chief +functions seems to be to implant an exaggerated respect and admiration +of others in the minds of your victims. In saying this I praise your +impartiality, while I hint a dislike of your ordinary methods. Not +that I have any hope of causing you to desist. For to desist would be +to cease to exist, and I cannot fairly expect you to commit suicide, +however much I may desire it. Moreover, your subjects--for, to be +candid, you are a despot--seem to like you. You minister so craftily +to their self-esteem, you flatter their vanity with an adroitness +so remarkable, that, after a few feeble struggles, they resign +themselves, body and soul, to your thrall. Even then you proceed +warily. Your first labour is to collect, with patient care, all the +little elements of dissatisfaction that are latent in every nature, +and to blend them with the petty disappointments to which even the +best of us are liable. The material thus obtained you temper with +intentions that seem to be good, and eventually you forge out of it a +weapon of marvellous point and sharpness, with which you mercilessly +goad your victims along the path that leads to ridicule and disaster. + +Let me take an instance which I am sure you will remember. When +I first met little DABCHICK, I thought I had never seen a happier +mortal. He was clever, good-natured, and sprightly. He sold tea +somewhere in Mincing Lane, and on the proceeds of his sales he managed +to support a wife and two pleasant children in reasonable comfort +at Balham. Mrs. DABCHICK could not be accused by her best friends of +over-refinement, but everybody agreed that she was just the homely, +comfortable, housewifely person who would always make DABCHICK happy, +and be a good and careful mother to his children. Often in the old +days when I came down to Balham and took pot-luck with DABCHICK, while +Mrs. DABCHICK beamed serenity and middle-class satisfaction upon me +from the other end of the table, and the juvenile JOHNNY DABCHICK +recited in a piping treble one of Mr. GEORGE R. SIMS's most moving +pieces for our entertainment, often, I say, have I envied the simple +happiness of that family, and gone back to my bachelor chambers with +an increased sense of dissatisfaction. Why, I thought to myself, had +fate denied to me the peaceful domesticity of the DABCHICKS? I was as +good a man as DABCHICK, probably, if the truth were known, a better +than he. Yet there he was with a good wife, an agreeable family, and +a comfortable income to compensate him for his extravagance with the +letter h, while I had to toil and moil in solitary gloom. + +Now, however, all is changed. In an evil moment for himself, DABCHICK +speculated largely and successfully in the Gold Trust of Guatemala. In +a very short time his income was multiplied by ten. The usual results +followed. The happy home in Balham was given up. "People about here," +said DABCHICK, "are such poor snobs"--and a more ornate mansion in +South Kensington was taken in its stead. The old friends and the +old habits were dropped. JOHNNY DABCHICK was sent to Eton with an +immoderate allowance of pocket-money, and was promptly christened +"PEKOE" by his schoolfellows. Mrs. DABCHICK rides in a huge landau +with blue wheels, and leaves cards on the fringes of the aristocracy. +DABCHICK himself aspires to Parliament, and never keeps the same +circle of friends for more than about six months. He knows one shady +Viscount to whom rumour asserts that he has lent immense sums of +Guatemalan money, and the approach of a Marquis makes him palpitate +with emotion. But he is a profoundly miserable man. Of that I am +assured. It amuses me when I meet him in pompous society to address +him lightly as "DAB," and remind him of the dear old Balham days, and +the huge amount of bird's-eye we used to smoke together. For his motto +now is, "_Delenda est Balhamia_"--I speak of course figuratively--and +half-crown havannahs have usurped the place of the honest briar. I +know the poor wretch is making up his mind to cut me, but I must bear +it as best I may. + +Now, my dear Sir or Madam, for this melancholy deterioration in the +DABCHICKS you are entirely responsible. I am saddened as I contemplate +it, and I appeal to you. Scarify Dukes and Duchesses, make vain and +useless social prigs as miserable as you like, but leave the DABCHICKS +of this world alone. They are simple folk, and really I cannot think +that the game is worth the candle. + +Believe me to be, your obedient servant, + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +BROADLY SPEAKING. + +Advised by friend to try Norfolk Broads for holiday. Oulton Broad, +Wroxham Broad, Fritton Decoy (curious name!), Yare, Waveney, and no +end of other rivers. Yachting, shooting, fishing, pretty scenery, +divine air, he says. Have come down to Yarmouth for a start. + +Up the Bure in a yacht, and into river Thurne. All right so far. Fish +scarce. My pilot says, "wait till I get to Hickling Broad. _Full_ of +bream and roach." I agree to wait. + +In Hickling Broad. Surprised to find notice-boards up all round +saying, "sailing" is prohibited in the Broad, also fishing and +shooting! "What's the meaning of this?" I ask pilot. He says, "it's +all the doings of the Lord of the Manor." Wants to keep the Broad free +from tourists. He certainly does it "as to the Manor born." Quite a +village autocrat. Shall I be the "Village HAMPDEN?" I will. + +Fishing. Several men on bank shouting at me. One comes off in a boat +and serves me with a summons. This might almost be called a Broad hint +to go away! But I don't go. I stop and fish. Another man comes off in +boat and threatens me with action "on behalf of riparian owners." Tell +him "ripe-pear-ian season isn't till Autumn, and I shall wait here +till then." He doesn't see the joke--perhaps too broad for him. + +Other yachtsmen, we hear, have been stopped, and threatened. Yachtsmen +up in arms generally. Savage artists wander along banks, denouncing +Lord of Manor of Hickling. Say they have "right of way" along banks +(sounds as if they were Railway Guards). Hear that Lord of Manor is +going to put a gunboat on Broad, also torpedoes. Hear, also, that +Wroxham Broad--one of the biggest--is to be closed in same way. + +Disgusted at such inhospitality. Back to Yarmouth. Give up yacht, +and decide to go to Switzerland instead. Find Yarmouth yacht-owners +furious with Hickling's Lord of Bad Manners. Say "closing the Broads +will ruin them." Very likely, but it'll help the foreign hotel-keeper. +Glad to see they've started a "Norfolk Broads Protection Society," +subscriptions to be sent to Lloyd's Bank. "I know a Bank"--and all +lovers of natural scenery and popular rights ought to know it too, and +help in giving the Hickling obstructionist a "heckling," when he takes +the matter (also the Manor) into Court. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. + +"SEEN THE _ENFANT PRODIGUE_, MR. SOFTEY?" + +"NO; WAITING TILL THEY DO IT IN _ENGLISH_!"] + + * * * * * + +A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +(_A SCENE OF TO-DAY, IN A SHAKSPEARIAN SETTING._) + +_Mr. Punch_. "How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of +'_We Three_?'" + +_Emperor_. Marry, forfend, _Mr. Punch_! Well quoted indeed, and, +pertinently, from the Swan! "A mellifluous, voice, as I am a true +Knight!" But talk not of things triune too openly, lest quidnuncs +overhear, and L-B-CH-RE devise thereanent fresh heckling +interrogations for the Treasury Bench. + +_Mr. Punch_. Nay, Kaiser; 'tis not the actual Triple, but the +conceivable Quadruple, that perturbs the importunates. _We_ Three form +an informal but fast-knit trinity, that can offend none but churls, +and affright none but dullards. Peace, Goodfellowship, Wit! By my +bauble, a triad that PYTHAGORAS himself might have favoured! Talking +of Threes, Kaiser, it's your third visit to us--and, believe me, you +are thrice welcome. + +_Emperor_. "Yea, and I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But +look you, pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at home" (as _Jack +Falstaff_ put it), that--you gird not too suspiciously at those who +would fain embrace her abroad! + +_Mr. Punch_. Well quoted, Sir, though not directed to _mine_ address. +But "A good wit will make use of anything. I will turn diseases to +commodity." Two diseases of the time are, faction and fussiness--the +one a fever, the other a prurigo. The one makes little of greatness, +the other makes much of littleness. You have been the mark of both, +young Hohenzollern! + +_Emperor_. "An't please you, it is the disease of not listening, the +malady of not marking, that _I_ am troubled withal." + +_Mr. Punch_. _Falstaff_ again, and pertinently applied. Fitly did the +Fat Knight say that he was not only witty himself, but the cause that +wit is in other men. + +_Prince_. By cock and pye, _Poins_,--_Punch_ I mean--am _I_ to be out +of this tournament of tags, this joust of quotations? Marry, not so! + + [_Grasps the EMPEROR's hand cordially._ + + "The Prince of WALES doth join with all the world + In praise of--Kaiser WILHELM; by my hopes, + I do not think a braver gentleman, + More active-valiant, or more valiant-young, + More daring, or more bold, is now alive + To grace this latter age with noble deeds." + +_Mr. Punch_. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your Royal Highness +has fairly capped us! _Harry Monmouth_, KAISER, could not more fitly +have + + "Trimmed up your praises with a princely tongue; + Spoke your deserving like a chronicle." + +and _Harry Hotspur_ less deserved the praise. + +_Emperor_. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in brevity." I can +but thank you both! (_To the PRINCE._) + + "By heavens, I cannot flatter; I defy + The tongues of soothers; but a braver place + In my heart's love hath no man than yourself." + +_Mr. Punch_. That's as it should be. If 'twere not always wholly +so--but no matter! I love not to speak in needless or heedless +dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," +but rather-- + + "As in reproof of many tales devised,-- + Which oft the ear of greatness needs must hear,-- + By smiling pick-thanks and base newsmongers." + +Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, _bien entendu_), hath armed us in advance +against even the latest developments of the detestable. The "base +newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned as carefully as the "smiling +pick-thanks." They would set strife between the two sides of a +sixpence or a sovereign. In vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should +admire Nephew, and Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or +better--for both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray +charge your glasses! Something _like_ a Triple Alliance! A Veritable +League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant as the +proceedings on board the _Cobra_ during her passage down the Elbe, +_n'est-ce pas_? No formal appending of Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, +or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual need we for our Amicable Treaty. +A handclasp and a Loving-cup shall suffice us for marking the happy +accord of Peace--Goodfellowship--Mirth!!! These be verily the "Central +Powers," which RUDINI _might_ have referred to when he said,--"Our +Alliance, firmly and sincerely maintained, will assure the Peace of +Europe for a long time to come." So mote it be! Let us toast them--in +a Bumper! + + [_Left doing so._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRIPLE ALLIANCE. + +"THE PRINCE OF WALES DOTH JOIN WITH ALL THE WORLD IN PRAISE OF--KAISER +WILHELM; BY MY HOPES, I DO NOT THINK A BRAVER GENTLEMAN, + +"MORE ACTIVE-VALIANT, OR MORE VALIANT-YOUNG, MORE DARING, OR MORE +BOLD, IS NOW ALIVE TO GRACE THIS LATTER AGE WITH NOBLE DEEDS."] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY REGATTA. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN OARSMAN._) + +Sir,--This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I +particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion +some remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, +were printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was +meant, and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had +since the occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take +care that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence +that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot +possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable +services to some other paper. The notes and prognostications which +I have laboriously compiled with regard to the final results of the +Regatta will arrive by the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be +found to be extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that +vivid and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous +throughout the civilised world. + +[Illustration] + +There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire +to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means +anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out +to you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an +occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You +said that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic +reporter who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far +degraded himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any +of the absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding +you were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, +I consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These +circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give me +advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much like to +ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are mostly in what +they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a condition of high +irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their tempers are, I +regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I don't wish to +show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands that I should +be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall +remain. + +In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled down to +Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal +Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with +lightships of every description." I remember some years ago passing +a very pleasant half hour on board of a lightship moored in the +neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward +with a lively pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon +as I arrived, therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a +gold anchor embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and +directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent +at least two hours on the river in company with that boy--a very +impudent little fellow,--but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I +failed to find a single vessel which could be fairly described as a +lightship. Finally the boy said they had all been sunk in yesterday's +great storm, and with that inadequate explanation I was forced to +content myself. But there is a mystery about this. Please explain it. + +Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place +announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why +should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, +some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me +a refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I +believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled +to refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be +necessary for them to set an example of true British endurance to the +crowds who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to +be paid for the performance of their duties. + +Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. +Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal +hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' +Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but +went away to execute my orders. After an absence of ten minutes he +returned, and informed me, with the Manager's compliments, that they +could not provide me with what I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup +was excellent. I gave the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is +only another example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of +these crass provincials. Kindly reply, _by wire_, about all the three +points I have mentioned. + +I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate +enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good +many maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look +something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding +along the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their +foolhardy recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. +I have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I +can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course +these ridiculous affairs can't be boats. + +Be good enough to send me, by return, at least L100. It's a very +difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in +this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short +way. + +Yours sincerely, + +THE MAN AT THE OAR. + +_Henley-on-Thames, July 4_. + + * * * * * + +A COMMON COMPLAINT. + +(_BY A DAILY VICTIM._) + +[Illustration] + + O Editors, who earn your daily bread + By giving us all kinds of information, + There's something that I fear ought to be said, + Which may--which will arouse your indignation; + For you may not be happy when it's more than hinted + Your news is such that we can't read it when it's printed. + + Yet I would have you fully understand + The real reason why I choose to quarrel + With what you print--your columns are not banned + Because their contents are at all immoral + Yet if there _is_ a scandal, though a small amount of it, + You sometimes soil your pages with a long account of it. + + Far other reasons urge me to reveal + My feelings on this matter--to assail your + Too common practice, and say why I feel + Your daily efforts are a daily failure; + Your paper by its columns and its size confuses me, + And worse--there's nothing in it in the least amuses me. + + Can you indeed in seriousness suppose-- + To me, I tell you, naught could be absurder-- + That anywhere at all there can be those + Who read the noisome details of a murder, + Or take delight in knowing that in such a county + Some teeming, triple mother earns the Royal Bounty? + + Ibsenity! Amid the maze of words + I find it difficult to pick my way right; + _This_ critic at the Master only girds, + _That_ promptly hails him as the "premier playwright." + Whilst I don't mind confessing that I swear right roundly + At mention of a subject that I hate profoundly. + + Then Parliament--without the slightest doubt + Of all dull things the dullest. What could be more + Distressing than to have to read about + The coming (?) KEAY, whose other name is SEYMOUR? + And now that Patriots' speeches flow with milk and honey, + They're very much less Irish, and of course less funny. + + The Bye-Elections _are_ a little fun, + I laugh to note the jubilant precision + With which you tell me that a seat that's won + Exactly counts two votes on a division, + Though this is all I care for, and am bored at knowing + How pleased is Mr. GLADSTONE with the tide that's flowing. + + Yet all these many, varied forms of pain + Are trifling, small and hardly worth attention. + One thing is so much worse--oh! pray again + The "epidemic" never, never mention, + And promptly tell your poet that the rhyme "cadenza" + Must never more be worked in for the Influenza! + + * * * * * + +DEFEAT--OR SOMETHING NEAR IT. + + When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar + The 'Varsities met in a contest of strength, + 7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would score + A win, which they did--by a lucky _half-length_: + And last week, when the thousands assembled at Lord's + To see Cambridge win by an innings--at Cricket's + Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards + The Light Blues the game--by a _couple of wickets_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FLOWERS OF SOCIETY AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. WEDNESDAY +NIGHT.] + + * * * * * + +A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS. + + The evening shadows gather round the room; + How full of joy it were to sit and greet + The twilight slowly deepening into gloom, + And in the cool forget the noontide heat. + The busy hum, the noise of passing feet, + Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar, + Did there not come to us from out the street, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom, + Approach, and disappear with footsteps fleet, + The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom, + Policemen slowly pace upon their beat. + We buy the blossoms with their fragrance sweet, + And only on our senses sadly jar + The noises of the ruffians who repeat, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + The latest aspect of the latest boom, + The starting price of winners and of wheat, + The thousand lives lost in a late simoom, + A conflagration, or a bursting leat, + How gallant gentlemen can stoop to cheat, + The spicy current gossip of the Bar-- + Can all be found in this or that news-sheet, + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + L'ENVOI. + + Friend, if you wish for happiness complete, + Look for it in some hamlet distant far. + Forget--where catkins blow and lambkins bleat-- + _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_! + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--FISH-DIET.--I am writing an important historical work, +which takes a great deal out of my brain, and I shall be glad to know +what is the best kind of diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish +has been strongly recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for +breakfast take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a +herring and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be +necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of oysters be +best for tackling our early Constitutional History?--MACAULAY JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN. + +_Proud Father_ (_reading his Son's School Report_). "MANNERS +VULGAR--VERY VULGAR. BUT PERHAPS THIS IS HEREDITARY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House, of Commons, Monday, June 29_.--Early promise of JAMES BAIN, +Knight, begins to be realised. Created profound sensation on night he +took his seat, by walking about with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him +with swift stern reproof. BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother +was about. Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go +and have a chat with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; +he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved +three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" and +SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having explained to +him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability +of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he +moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed +remainder of sitting in safety. + +[Illustration: Barran de Leeds.] + +Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat +below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he would stroll out. +Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on. Carefully +took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy +steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made +for the door. As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred +throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared +round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No doubt +about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those thrillingly +solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone +else's by any chance have got on his head? Passed his left hand over +massive brow. No, all right. Best thing to do would be to get off +premises as quickly as possible. So BAIN bolted. + +"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know you +mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an old one. I +know all the ropes in this machine. When you want anything ask me." + +"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask you what +I've done now?" + +"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member on his legs +and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by +the back of the Bench." + +After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached up in +Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden speech. Quite +delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was +sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a +Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School +Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and +original peroration. "Gentlemen," he said,--"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm +for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill." + +This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY FOWLER's. +That admirable in every way; a distinct and far advance on a +Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and ability; an epoch in +a Parliamentary career already notable for its steady progress. Pity +Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the triumph of the most promising of +his recruits of the '80 Parliament. + +_Business done_.--HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to Education Bill +negatived by 267 against 166. + +_Tuesday_.--"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, have not specially +lain in the domain of history," said Professor STOKES, in the course +of a brief address delivered to me in a corner of the Library. "The +pure dry light of mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for +me. Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial +points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had no one +prominently in English public affairs with quite the same influence +as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. The time +is gone by when kings were made and unmade. But my Right Hon. friend +has done more than anyone to make the present Ministry possible, +and, having made them, he claims the right to direct, and, in some +respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious phenomenon, very +curious indeed. If you were not so evidently in a hurry, I should like +to dilate upon it." + +[Illustration: "The pure dry light of Mathematics."] + +A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a rule, most +considerate in his attitude. At much pains to preserve an appearance +suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the Opposition Benches, and is +supposed to know no more of the secret councils and intentions of +the Ministry than anyone else in same quarter of House. Made a slip +in earlier stages of Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and +disclosed familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time +he spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same road. +Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across the table to +explain details of measure, he asked leave to introduce, dealing with +state of things in Highlands and Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN +being much interested in question, having marked it for his own, might +be supposed to have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was +drafted. All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary +Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if LORD-ADVOCATE would +briefly sketch his Bill. + +To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved Amendment +extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which fee grants would +be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, and protested thing +couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate went forward, Ministers +refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to look in after dinner; thinks it +would be well to accept Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, +a very model of debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. +Remarkable state of things; as a study more interesting even than +mathematics. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill in Committee. + +_Thursday_.--Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords for Committee stage. +House unusually crowded; quite animated in appearance; when at +length it gets into Committee LORD CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, +still wearing wig and gown, lends new air of grace and dignity to +Ministerial Bench. Sits between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the +MARKISS thinks of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine +nothing more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to +some half-dozen other of his colleagues. + +[Illustration: Lord Colchester.] + +Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to front, and +modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, once in while, +to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting over Clauses of Bill +in Committee. That sort of obscure labour might suit them, but not +the thing to attract the MCCULLUM MORE. Had already enjoyed himself +on Second Reading, delivering one of those orations which, as +COLCHESTER says, may be magnificent but are not debate. That should +have satisfied vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not +an ordinary man. There were several things he forgot to say in the +speech. Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping +progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in Committee he +must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers anxious to get on with +business, and his observations would probably not be reported. Thing +to do was to move Instruction to Committee. This would bring him on +first thing in a full House, before Peers had wearied themselves with +application to real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't +matter in what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his +speech. MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him _not_ to press +Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had served +its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE stalked off +home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee work. + +_Business done_.--Land Bill through Committee in Lords. + +_Friday Night_.--Education Bill through Committee. Last scene of all +a little lively owing to revolt on Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE +led it in speech of unwonted eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of +imagery: described School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; +that enough by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, +went on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge. + +Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the Member +for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to the House of +Commons _talks_, doesn't speechify; style excellent, and so is the +matter. House would like to hear a little oftener from JENNINGS; due +to it from Stockport who has also sent us GEDGE. + +_Business done_.--Education Bill through Committee. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST. + +THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE. + +[Illustration] + + We gave a little dinner; and I own, + Led by a wish with style to stamp the _fete_, + Palmed off, as though a butler of our own, + A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to wait."-- + I thought he seemed to sway beneath the fish-- + And stagger with a half familiar smile, + When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish + All comes of tryin' to do the thing in shtyle!" + I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix, + And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a Duke! + I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!" + Thus came on me that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + That banquet was our last. No more we "dined," + In, now and then, perchance a friend might drop. + It is our boast that he will ever find + At least the welcome of a homely chop. + Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile, + And can from ostentatious show refrain, + Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style," + I possibly once more may entertain! + And so,--I know not how it came about, + But if by chance, it is a happy fluke + That I at length without the slightest doubt + Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's Rebuke! + + * * * * * + +QUELCHING QUELCH.--Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour Commission, is said +to have expressed his opinion that "the liberty to combine should +not involve the liberty not to combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that +without "liberty not to combine" there _cannot_ be any "liberty to +combine." For if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, +it is obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is +hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would leave the +workman none. + + * * * * * + +A MASK ON A MASK. + + [A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn during + the hours of sleep, is designed to remove wrinkles.] + + Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face, + Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny ringlets, + Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace, + And flitted like a fairy borne on winglets + From boy to boy, and flirted here and there + With that unchanging smile of rouged enamel, + I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare, + And since the needle's eye doth bar the camel, + 'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase youth, + And peaceful age become a ceaseless playtime; + Still, if you'd wear _two_ masks to hide the truth, + Oh, wear this last one always _in the daytime_." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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