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diff --git a/old/13269.txt b/old/13269.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8a828a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13269.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1740 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +March 21, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 21, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13269] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 21, 1891. + + + + +MY LADY. + + She is not fair to outward view + As many maidens be; + (And into _such_ a rage she flew + On learning this from me;) + And yet she's lovely, nay divine, + Judged by her own peculiar line. + + She's deeply read. She knows as much + As average sixth-form boys; + But not the greatest sage could touch + The high, aggressive joys + That imp her wing, like bird of prey, + When in my dates I go astray. + + Not only learning's pure serene + Her soaring mind can charm; + The tradesman, shrinking from a scene, + Regards her with alarm, + And many a 'bus conductor owns + The pow'r of her metallic tones. + + Contentiously content, she takes + Her strident way through life, + And goodness only knows what makes + Her choose to be my wife. + Courage, poor heart! Thy yearnings stifle. + She's not a girl with whom to trifle. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE. + +I. + +[Illustration] + +Instead of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as proposed, +why not a Sub-Serpentine Line? Start it from the South Kensington +Station, District-cum-Metropolitan system, run it with one station +well-underground in the middle of Exhibition Road, whence an easy +ascent to the Imperial Exhibition, when passengers would come up to +"carp the vital airs," then right away again, branching off left +and right, thus bringing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy +communication, at all reasonable hours, and at reasonable prices, +with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, East and West. +If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at all--and, not being sacred +groves, there is no reason why they should not be, _faute de mieux_--a +transverse tunnelling from Kensington High Street to Queen's Road +would do the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our +power, and are,--Yours truly, + +WILL HONEYCOMB, MOLE, FERRET & CO., + +(_Burrow-Knights_.) + +II. + +O sir,--Pleese don't let us ave no nasty railwaies and tunels in +Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and the childern +can play about, an no danger from nothink sep dogs, wich is mosley +musseled, or led with a string, an we ain't trubbled about them, an +can ave a word to say to a frend, or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner +the treeses, so nice an quite, wich it wold not be wen disterbd by +ingins, an smoke, skreeges, an steem-wizzels. O, _Mr. P._, don't let +um do it. + +Yours obeegentlee, SARA JANE, (_Unner Nursrymade_.) + +III. + +Sir,--The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't be noticed +if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No blow-holes, of +course. No disfigurement. Take it under the centre path, _where there +are no trees_, then turn to the left outside the gate and burrow away +to S. Kensington Station. I can then get across the park in three +minutes for a penny; and now I have to walk, for which I haven't the +time, or take a cab, for which I haven't the money. + +Yours, A PRACTICAL PAUPER. + +IV. + +Sir,--I take this opportunity of pointing out that if anything at +all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, _why not make a real good +Rotten Row there?_ That would he a blessing and a convenience. We're +all so sick and tired of that squirrel-in-a-cage ride, round and round +Hyde Park, and that half-and-half affair in St. James's Park. No, Sir; +now's the time, and now's the hour. There's plenty of space for all +equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights of +nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of lovers too. +For my part, if this is not put forward as an alternative scheme, I +shall vote for tunnelling under the Gardens out of simple cussedness. +If the reply, authoritatively given, be that the two schemes can go +and must go together, then I will vote for both, only let's have the +equestrian arrangement first. + +Yours, JOLTIN TROTT, + +_Mount, Street, W, Captain 1st Lights and Liver Brigade_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE. + +"After all, the best of KEENE's life-work is to be found in the +innumerable cuts which he contributed to _Punch_ during a period of +nearly forty years; and still more in the originals of these, the +masterly pen-and-ink drawings which are now for the first time shown +in a collected form to the Public." + +So says Mr. CLAUDE PHILLIPS, in his "Prefatory Note," to the +"Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late CHARLES KEENE," now +on view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond Street. + +If the British Public possess that "taste for Art" and that "sense of +humour" which some claim for and others deny to it, it (the B.P.) will +throng the comfortable and well-lighted Gallery in New Bond Street, +where hang some hundreds of specimens of the later work of the most +unaffected humorist, and most masterly "Black-and-White" artist of +his time. Walk up, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see--such miracles of +delineation, such witcheries of effect, as were never before put on +paper by simple pen-and-ink! + +It is difficult to realise sometimes that it _is_ pen and ink, and +that only--all the delightful display of fresh English landscape and +unsophisticated British humanity, teeming with effects of distance, +hints of atmosphere, and suggestions of colour. Many a much-belauded +brush is but a fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with +the ink-charged crowquill handled by CHARLES KEENE. Look at +"_Grandiloquence_!" (No. 220) There's composition! There's effect! +Stretch of sea, schooner, PAT's petty craft, grandiloquent PAT +himself, a nautical Colossus astride on his own cock-boat, with stable +sea-legs firmly dispread, the swirl of the sea, the swish of the +waves, the very whiff of the wind so vividly suggested!--and all in +some few square inches of "Black-and-White!" + +Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of humorous +characterisation, the strong charm of _technique_, the colour, the +action, the marvellous ease and accuracy of street perspective in No. +16 ("_The Penny Toy!_"). Action? Why, you can _see_ the old lady jump, +let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame's foot, and +you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the "horrid reptile." + +Or at that vivid bit of London "hoarding," and London low life, and +London street-distance in "_'Andicapped!_" (No. 25.) Good as is the +"gaol-bird," is not the wonderfully real "hoarding" almost better? + +Who now can draw--or, for that matter, _paint_--such a shopkeeper, +_such_ a shop, _such_ a child customer as those in "_All Alive!_" (No. +41), where the _Little Girl_ a-tip-toe with a wedge of cheap "Cheddar" +at the counter, comes down upon him of the apron with the crusher, +"Oh, mother's sent back this piece o' cheese, 'cause father says if +he wants any bait when he's goin' a fishin', he can dig 'em up in our +garden!" + +Are _you_ a fisherman, reader? Then will you feel your angling as well +as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 ("_The Old Adam_") and No. +6 ("_Wet and Dry_"), the former especially! What water, what Scotch +boys, _what_ a "prencipled" (but piscatorial) "Meenister"! Don't _you_ +feel your elbow twitch? Don't _you_ want to snatch the rod from SANDY +McDOUGAL's hand, and land that "fush" yourself, Sawbath or no Sawbath? + +But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and _purchase_ +them all! A KEENE drawing, almost _any_ KEENE drawing, is "a thing of +beauty and a joy for ever" to everyone who has an eye for admirable +art and adorable drollery. And good as is the _fun_ of these drawings, +the graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, +and buoyancy, and breeziness, and masterly ease, and miraculous +open-airiness, and general delightfulness of them, are yet more marked +and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their merits. An +essay might be penned on any one of them--but fate forbid it _should_ +be, unless a sort of artistic CHARLES LAMB could take the task in +hand. Better far go again to New Bond Street and pass another happy +hour or two with the ruddy rustics and 'cute cockneys, the Scotch +elders and Anglican curates, the stodgy "Old Gents" and broad-backed, +bunchy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, +and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and +chatty 'bus-drivers, the "festive" diners-out and wary waiters, the +Volunteers and _vauriens_, the Artists and 'Arries, the policemen +and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street scenes, and the equally +inimitable lanes, coppices, turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades +and snowbound country roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and--for +his comrades and the Public alike--all-too-soon-departed CHARLES +KEENE! + +Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work, of even that part +of it exhibited here, _could_ be written within brief compass, even +by the most appreciative, admiring, and art-loving of his sorrowing +friends or colleagues. Let the British Public go to New Bond Street, +and see for itself, in the very hand-work of this great artist, what +he made manifest during so many years in the pages of _Punch_, namely, +the supreme triumph of "Black-and-White" in the achievements of its +greatest master. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KING STORK AND KING LOG. + +AN OLD FABLE REVERSED.] + + The Frogs, who lived a free and easy life + (As in the ancient fable) + Though not quite clear from internecine strife, + Fancied they were well able + To do _without_ a King. Batrachian wisdom + Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom, + And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and corals, + As ask a "King who might inspect their morals" + From Jupiter. Then 'twas _Juventus Mundi_; + The true King-maker now is--Mrs. GRUNDY, + And _she_ insisted that our modern Frogs + Should have a King--the woodenest of King Logs. + At first this terrified our Frogs exceedingly, + And, sometimes passionately, sometimes pleadingly, + They grumbled and protested; + But finding soon how placidly Log rested + Prone in the pool with mighty little motion, + Of danger they abandoned the wild notion, + Finding it easy for a Frog to jog + On with a kind King Log. + But in the fulness of the time, there came + A would-be monarch--Legion his fit name; + A Plebs-appointed Autocrat, Stork-throated, + Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated; + A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature, + A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief feature. + This new King Stork, + With a fierce, fussy appetite for work; + Not satisfied with fixing like a vice + Authority on Town and Country Mice, + Tried to extend his sway to pools and bogs, + And rule the Frogs! + But modern Frogdom, which had champions able, + Had read old-AEsop's fable, + And of King Stork's appearance far from amorous, + Croaked forth a chorus clamorous + Of resonant rebellion. These, upreared + On angry legs, waved arms that nothing feared; + King Log defending. Great CRAUGASIDES, + Among batrachian heroes first with ease, + With ventriloquial vehemence defied + The long-beaked base usurper. At his side + His fond companion, PHYSIGNATHUS swelled + Cheeks humorously defiant; + The ruddy giant + CRAMBOPHAGUS, as tall as is a Tree, + Flouted King Stork with gestures fierce and free, + Sleek CALAMINTHIUS, aper deft of eld, + Against the foe a pungent dart impelled; + HYDROCHARIS too, + (Most Terryble to view), + Fared to the front, whilst smaller, yet as brave + Tiny batrachian brethren, dusk of hue, + PRASSOPHAGUS, PRASSOEUS, staunch and true, + Webbed hands did wildly wave + With the frog-host against the beaky bird-- + "_He_ be our King?" they loudly cried. + "Absurd! + + Not Mercury, nor Jupiter _we_ beg + For a devouring despot, lank of leg, + Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak; + Though singly we seem weak, + United we are strong to smite or scoff. + Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!" + + * * * * * + +CHURCH AND STAGE.--Let no rabid Churchmen, of any school of thought, +ever again take exception to the irreligious character of playhouse +entertainments. Let them read the advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre +in _The Times_ for March 13:--"During Holy Week this theatre will be +closed, re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with _The Bells_, which +will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any arrangement +be more thoroughly in harmony with general ecclesiastical practice? +Any liturgical student knows that the bells are played once on Holy +Saturday, and that they should be played on Easter Monday is a matter +of course. + + * * * * * + +TRACKS FOR THE TIMES. + + [A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a right + to interfere with the growing practice of using the public + roads of the Metropolis at night-time as running-grounds for + athletes.] + + I come from haunts of smoke and grime, + I start in some blind alley, + And race each night against Old Time + Enthusiastically! + + I dodge past frightened City gents, + And sometimes send them flying, + Which makes them cherish sentiments + Not wholly edifying. + + I wind about, and in and out, + Along the crowded pavement, + While here and there the mockers flout + My costume and behavement. + + I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee + Amid the teeming traffic, + And drivers often use to me + Idioms extremely graphic. + + I murmur when a Lawyer's view + Absurdly tries to hinder + My turning public roads into + A private path of cinder. + + Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert, + Shall be my one endeavour; + For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear, + But I run on for ever! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLIZZARD. + +MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE TOO!), MARCH 9, +1891. + +(_10 to 1 Nobody turns up._)] + + * * * * * + +A DIARY OF DOVER. + +_March, 1891_.--Fearful storm in the Channel, when the _Victoria_ +is all but lost. Proposals in all the newspapers for the immediate +commencement of an adequate harbour. + +_April, 1892_.--Hurricane in the Channel, when seventeen ships are +lost, and the Club Train Boat (without passengers) is carried, high +and dry, as far as Amiens, by the force of the weather. Renewed +suggestions for the immediate building of an adequate harbour. + +_May, 1893_.--Cyclone in the Channel, in which the British Fleet +disappears. The newspapers once more urge the immediate commencement +of the proposed adequate harbour. + +_June, 1894_.--Disaster in the Channel. Every single vessel swamped, +owing to the terrific weather. Again the Press invites commencement of +an adequate harbour. + +_July, 1895_.--Members of both Houses of Parliament, invited to take +part in a State function at Calais, having been put to considerable +inconvenience, immediate orders are given for the prompt commencement +of the much-needed adequate harbour at Dover. + +_August, 19--_.--Proposed adequate harbour having employed the hands, +night and day, of thousands of workmen, at enormous expense (owing to +urgent pressure), is at length opened to the public, amidst universal +rejoicing. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHOeLM. + +ACT I. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershoelm, with a stove, flower-stand, + windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, and everything + handsome about it, REBECCA WEST is sitting knitting a large + antimacassar which is nearly finished. Now and then she looks + out of a window, and smiles and nods expectantly to someone + outside. Madam HELSETH is laying the table for supper._ + +_Rebecca_ (_folding up her work slowly_). But tell me precisely, what +about this White Horse? [_Smiling quietly._ + +_Madam Helseth_. Lord forgive you, Miss!--(_fetching cruet-stand, and +placing it on table_)--but you're making fun of me! + +_Rebecca_ (_gravely_). No, indeed. Nobody makes fun at Rosmershoelm. +Mr. ROSMER would not understand it. (_Shutting window._) Ah, here is +Rector KROLL. (_Opening door_.) You will stay to supper, will you not, +Rector, and I will tell them to give us some little extra dish. + +_Kroll_ (_hanging up his hat in the hall_). Many thanks. (_Wipes his +boots._) May I come in? (_Comes in, puts down his stick, sits down, +and looks about him._) And how do you and ROSMER get on together, eh? + +_Reb._ Ever since your sister, BEATA, went mad and jumped into the +mill-race, we have been as happy as two little birds together. (_After +a pause, sitting down in arm-chair._) So you don't really mind my +living here all alone with ROSMER? We were afraid you might, perhaps. + +_Kroll_. Why, how on earth--on the contrary, I shouldn't object at all +if you--(_looks at her meaningly_)--h'm! + +_Reb._ (_interrupting, gravely_). For shame, Rector; how can you make +such jokes! + +_Kroll_ (_as if surprised_). Jokes? We do not joke in these parts--but +here is ROSMER. + +[Illustration: "Taking off his gloves meaningly."] + + [_Enter ROSMER, gently and softly._ + +_Rosmer_. So, my dear old friend, you have come again, after a year's +absence. (_Sits down._) We almost thought that-- + +_Kroll_ (_nods_). So Miss WEST was saying--but you are quite mistaken. +I merely thought I might remind you, if I came, of our poor BEATA's +suicide, so I kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple +tact. + +_Rosmer_. It was considerate--but unnecessary. REB--I _mean_, Miss +WEST and I often allude to the incident, do we not? + +_Reb._ (_strikes Taendstickor_). Oh, yes, indeed. (_Lighting lamp_.) +Whenever we feel a little more cheerful than usual. + +_Kroll_. You dear good people! (_Wanders up the room._) I came because +the Spirit of Revolt has crept into my School. A Secret Society +has existed for weeks in the Lower Third! To-day it has come to my +knowledge that a booby-trap was prepared for me by the hand of my own +son, LAURITS, and I then discovered that a hair has been inserted in +my cane by my daughter HILDA! The only way in which a right-minded +Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is to +start a newspaper, and I thought that you, as a weak, credulous, +inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were the very person to +be the Editor. + + [_REB. laughs softly, as if to herself. ROSMER jumps up and + sits down again._ + +_Reb._ (_with a look at Rosmer_). Tell him now! + +_Rosmer_ (_returning the look_). I can't--some other evening. Well, +perhaps-- (_To KROLL._) I can't be your Editor--because (_in a low +voice_) I--I am on the side of LAURITS and HILDA! + +_Kroll_ (_looks from one to the other, gloomily_). H'm! + +_Rosmer_. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my views. I am going +to create a new democracy, and awaken it to its true task of making +all the people of this country noblemen, by freeing their wills, and +purifying their minds! + +_Kroll_. What _do_ you mean? [_Takes up his hat._ + +_Rosmer_ (_bowing his head_). I don't quite know, my dear friend; it +was REB--I should say. Miss WEST's scheme. + +_Kroll_. H'm! (_A suspicion appears in his face._) Now I begin to +believe that what BEATA said about schemes--no matter. But, under the +circumstances, I will _not_ stay to supper. + + [_Takes up his stick, and walks out._ + +_Rosmer_. I _told_ you he would be annoyed, I shall go to bed now. I +don't want any supper. [_He lights a candle, and goes out; presently +his footsteps are heard overhead, as he undresses. REBECCA pulls a +bell-rope._ + +_Reb._ (_to Madam HELSETH, who enters with dishes_). No, Mr. ROSMER +will not have supper to-night. (_In a lighter tone._) Perhaps he is +afraid of the nightmare. There are so many sorts of White Horses in +this world! + +_Mad. H._ (_shaking_). Lord! lord! that Miss WEST--the things she does +say! [_REB. goes out through door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, +as Curtain falls._ + +ACT II. + + ROSMER's _study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a + writing-table. Door, with curtain, leading to ROSMER's + bedroom. ROSMER discovered in a smoking-jacket cutting + a pamphlet with a paper-knife. There is a knock at the + door. ROSMER says, "Come in." REBECCA enters in a morning + wrapper and curl-papers. She sits on a chair close to ROSMER, + and looks over his shoulder as he cuts the leaves. Rector + KROLL is shown up._ + +_Kroll_ (_lays his hat on the table and looks at REB. from head to +foot_). I am really afraid that I am in the way. + +_Reb._ (_surprised_). Because I am in my morning wrapper and +curl-papers? You forget that I am _emancipated_, Rector KROLL. + + [_She leaves them and listens behind curtain in ROSMER's + bedroom._ + +_Rosmer_. Yes, Miss WEST and I have worked our way forward in faithful +comradeship. + +_Kroll_ (_shakes his head at him slowly_). So I perceive. Miss WEST +is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I say, _really_ you know-- +However, I came to tell you that poor BEATA was not so mad as she +looked, though flowers _did_ bewilder her so. (_Taking off his gloves +meaningly._) She jumped into the mill-race because she had an idea +that you ought to marry Miss WEST! + +_Rosmer_ (_jumps half up from his chair_). I? Marry--Miss WEST! +my good gracious, KROLL! I don't _understand_, it is _most_ +incomprehensible. (_Looks fixedly before him_.) How _can_ people-- +(_looks at him for a moment, then rises._) Will you get out? (_Still +quiet and self-restrained._) But first tell me why you never mentioned +this before? + +_Kroll_. Why? Because I thought you were both orthodox, which made all +the difference. Now I know that you side with LAURITS and HILDA, and +mean to make the democracy into noblemen, and accordingly I intend to +make it hot for you in my paper. _Good_ morning! [_He slams the door +with spite as_ REBECCA _enters from bed-room._ + +_Rosmer_ (_as if surprised_). You--in my bedroom! You have been +listening, dear? But you _are_ so emancipated. Ah, well! so our pure +and beautiful friendship has been misinterpreted, bespattered! Just +because you wear a morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for +a year, people with coarse souls and ignoble eyes make unpleasant +remarks! But what really _did_ drive BEATA mad? _Why_ did she jump +into the mill-race? I'm sure we did everything we could to spare her! +I made it the business of my life to keep her in ignorance of all our +interests--_didn't_ I, now? + +_Reb._ You did--but why brood over it? What _does_ it matter? Get on +with your great, beautiful task, dear, (_approaching him cautiously +from behind_), winning over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, +you know--_joyful_ noblemen! + +_Rosmer_ (_walking about, restlessly, as if in thought_). Yes, I +know. I have never laughed in the whole course of my life--we ROSMERS +don't--and so I felt that spreading gladness and light, and making +the democracy joyful, was properly my mission. But _now_--I feel too +upset to go on, REBECCA, unless-- (_Shakes his head heavily._) Yes, an +idea has just occurred to me--(_looks at her, and then runs his hands +through his hair_)--oh, my goodness, no--I _can't_. + + [_He leans his elbows on table._ + +_Reb._ Be a free man to the full, ROSMER--tell me your idea. + +_Rosmer_ (_gloomily_). I don't know what you'll say to it. It's this. +Our platonic comradeship was all very well while I was peaceful and +happy. Now that I'm bothered and badgered, I feel--_why_, I can't +exactly explain, but I _do_ feel that I must oppose a new and living +reality to the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, +explain that this is equivalent to an Ibsenian proposal. + +_Reb._ (_catches at the chairback with joy_). How? at _last_--a rise +at last! (_Recollects herself._) But what am I about? Am I not an +emancipated enigma? (_Puts her hands over her ears as if in terror._) +What are you saying? You mustn't. I can't _think_ what you mean. Go +away, do! + +_Rosmer_ (_softly_). Be the new and living reality. It is the only way +to put BEATA out of the Saga. Shall we try it? + +_Reb._ Never! Do not--_do_ not ask me why--for I haven't a notion--but +never! (_Nods slowly to him and rises._) White Horses would not induce +me! (_With her hand on door-handle._) Now you _know_! [_She goes out._ + +_Rosmer_ (_sits up, stares thunderstruck at the stove, and says to +himself_). Well--I--_am_-- [_Quick Curtain._ + + [The remaining two Acts of this subtle psychological study + unavoidably held over.] + + * * * * * + +"KEEP YOUR HARE ON!" + +[Illustration: Hare's Theatre.] + +In not following the advice given in the headline to this article, +clever Mr. PINERO has made a mistake. _Lady Bountiful_ with only a +very little HARE is a disappointment. The majority of those who go to +"Hare's Theatre" (they don't speak of it as "The Garrick") go to see +the Lessee and Manager in a new part: and they go to see a lot of him: +they don't ask merely for a small piece of HARE, if you please, though +they might be satisfied with HARE in a small piece. Everyone goes +expecting to see him in a good part in a good Comedy, his good part +being equal to the better part of the whole entertainment; and if they +don't so see him, they are disappointed. Why was Mr. GRUNDY's happy +translation of _Les Oiseaux_ peculiarly successful? because it was +a light, fresh, and pretty piece, wherein the occasional phrase in +a minor key was so artistically introduced as to be a relish to our +enjoyment of the humour of the characters and of the situations; but +all this would have gone for comparatively little had it not been +for the excellence of Mr. HARE's rendering of the first-rate part +of _Goldfinch_, which did not consist of occasional flashes, only to +collapse and disappear in the penultimate Act, but continued right +through to the end, dominating everything and everybody. This is not +so with _Lady Bountiful_. The appearance of _Roderick Heron_, who is +no creation of the Author's, as he admits, but merely _Mr. Skimpole_ +under another name, raises hopes at the commencement, which are +blighted long before the finish. The part gutters out, as does Mr. +CHARLES GROVE's _John Veale_, another "promise of spring." Young Mr. +GILBERT HARE makes a most creditable first appearance as _Sir Lucian +Brent, Bart_. He is easy and natural. + +For the greater part of the educated audience, it might have been +more useful if _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, had gone about with an +old Eton Latin Grammar in his pocket, instead of a _Horace_; and if +Miss KATE RORKE had divided with him the quotation, "_Nemo mortalium +omnibus horis sapit._" He, being rejected, might have commenced, +"_Nemo mortalium_," and she might have continued, "_omnibus horis_;" +then, both together, "_sapit_." Or when she had snubbed him, he +might have made some telling remark about "_Verbum personale_," and +so forth. The introduction of a quotation from _Horace_ is likely +rather to be resented than appreciated by the victims of a superior +education. What a bad quarter of an hour or so Paterfamilias will have +when Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from +_Horace_! Poor Pater will pretend not to have "quite caught them;" or +"not been attending;" but to himself he will own how entirely he has +forgotten his Latin, and perhaps he will make a good resolution to +himself to "look up his _Horace_ again." Then the learned young lady +will be asked by her Mamma, or by her sharp young bothering sister, +"what that Latin means," and though she might be able to construe +it when she sees it, to translate it offhand at one hearing is a +difficulty, and she will evade the question by saying, "Please, don't +talk! I want to listen to the piece." + +The youth in the Stalls, fresh from college or school, will be about +as much equal to the translation offhand as is young _Sir Lucian +Brent_ when asked by Mr. CATHCART to give the meaning of the Latin on +the ancient brasses in the old church, and they won't thank you for +bringing school studies into playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained +by this Dr. Panglossian introduction of Latin quotation; it doesn't +help the action, nor emphasise a character, nor does it strengthen a +situation, to bring in even the most appropriate lines which are not +"in a language understanded of the people." _Sir Richard Philliter, +Q.C._, might be known in private life to his friends as Sir HORACE +DAVUS (_Non Oedipus_). Mr. CATHCART's _Pedgrift_, parish clerk and +sexton, is an excellent little character-sketch, as is also that of +_Mrs. Hornutt_, the pew-opener. + +As for Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and Miss KATE RORKE, they seemed to me to +be what the author had made them--i.e., stagey. Miss DOLORES DRUMMOND, +as _Mrs. Veale_, is very good, and Miss MARIE LINDEN, except in one +stagey bit in the Third Act, plays with great care and judgment. +The interior of the old country church (Act III.) is a masterpiece +of scenic art and stage arrangement,--a perfect picture by Mr. +W. HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the _denoument_ of the +interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me of a pictorial +heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette or _The London +Journal_. It is a very weak finish, and not strengthened or improved +in any way by the line _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, has to say, +on which the Curtain descends. And what does everybody exclaim +afterwards? Simply, "Why there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We +thought we should see him again, and that he would come out all +right at last." That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their +favourite first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, +unless the character be exceptionally amusing. _Lady Bountiful_ might +be termed "A bald piece," because it has so little HARE. + + * * * * * + +THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE! + +(_WHEN NO DOUBT IT WILL BE CONDUCTED ON STRICTLY SCIENTIFIC +PRINCIPLES._) + +The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event in the +Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored at Putney. +Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training _mufti_, which +contrasted strongly with the garb of the sixteenth--a complete suit +of flannels. "To quote our ancestors--'Why this thusness?'" asked the +Camford Stroke, as he recognised one of his own men in this strange +apparel. + +"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to pull in +tweeds?" + +"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of the +Oxbridge Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the matter in a +more satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in the Nineties to +race in real earnest, but now that we have reached the Twentieth +Century our civilisation teaches something better." + +"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we had +better get at once to business. Who has the sworn information of our +respective coaches?" + +"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating Clubs; "and, +if you will allow me, I will produce them--or rather _it_, for the +coaches have affirmed jointly." + +All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on his +spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, and read as +follows:-- + +"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has an +advantage over Camford, which is only lessened, and certainly not +entirely removed, by the better training of the latter. Moreover, +the steering of the Oxbridge coxwain is infinitely preferable to the +steering of his rival. The times of the various trials, too, have in +every instance given a distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they +have a better boat. So, given fine weather, the result is a foregone +conclusion. Oxbridge must win, although no doubt Camford would make a +good fight for it, and come in a respectable second." + +"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the Camford +Stroke, with rather a forced laugh. + +"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In a company +of gentlemen like those present, accidents always _are_ barred!" + +"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose our +committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest Double First +have considered what I may call the atmospheric conditions under which +the race would have taken place?" + +"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all unfavourable to the +success of Camford," was the ready reply. + +"Then I think we have but one more thing to do--to give three hearty +cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge Stroke, and a minute +later the rafters rang with loud applause. + +"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the gentleman in +flannels--he was a Freshman--a little later. "Surely that would have +been more satisfactory." + +"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival of the +fittest!" and his answer afforded general satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +SHELLEY REVISED. + + Most rhyming men + Are cradled into poetry by fashion, + And learn as formula what they print as passion. + + * * * * * + +_The Development of Africa_, by A.S. WHITE, is advertised. This +is White on Black, and no player in hand. It should be immediately +followed by _Black on White, or Who takes the Pool?_ Exciting match, +with one life each. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED. + +_Jones_. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN _MY_ HAT, AND LEFT THIS +FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD THING INSTEAD!" + +_Brown_. "A--I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT _THAT_ HAPPENS TO BE _MY_ HAT!"] + + * * * * * + +KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +_HEAD GROOM B-LF-R LOQ._:-- + + Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or blunder, + Gov's fondness for _Tithe_, or bad weather, or what, + You're kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and able + To lead the whole field and to win by a lot. + A hunter I never bestrode half as clever! + _Tithe_? Pooh! _He_'s not in it, my beauty, with you. + You've breed, style, and mettle, and look in rare fettle. + If _I_ had to settle, you know what _I_'d do! + + These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders + Save them: as if gent ever made A 1 jock! + Ah! ADAM L. GORDON,[1] poor chap, had a word on + Such matters. I'll warrant _he_ sat like a rock, + And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it _is_ hard + To eat off your head in the stable like this. + Too long you have idled; but wait till you're bridled! + _The_ hunt of the season I swear you won't miss, + + It has been hard weather, although, beauty, whether + 'Tis that altogether your chance that postponed, + Or whether Boss SOLLY committed a folly-- + No matter! A comelier crack he ne'er owned, + Although 'tis I say it who shouldn't. The way it + Has snowed and has frozen may be his excuse; + But when you're once started, deer-limbed, lion-hearted, + I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the deuce. + + "A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and wiry, + A loin rather light, but a shoulder superb," + That's GORDON's description of _Iseult_. (All whip shun + When riding such rattlers, and trust to the curb.) + That mare was your sort, lad. I guess there'll be sport, lad, + When _you_ make strong running, and near the last jump. + And you, when extended, look "bloodlike and splendid." + Ah! poor LINDSAY GORDON was sportsman and trump. + + I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle + Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in you then: + There's howling "HISTORICUS,"--he's but a sorry cuss! + WEG, too, that grandest of all grand old men; + He's ridden some races; of chances and paces, + Of crocks _versus_ cracks he did ought to be judge. + He sees you are speedy; when MORLEY sneers "Weedy," + Or LAB doubts your staying, WEG knows it's all fudge! + + We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, lad; + Though we're frost-bound now, open weather must come, + At least after Easter; and, beauty, _when_ we stir. + And forge to the front, lad, we'll just make things hum. + In spite of much ruction concerning Obstruction, + I wish--_in a whisper_--we'd started before, + And, forcing the running, discarding all cunning, + Romped in--_as we will_--'midst a general roar! + +[Footnote 1: ADAM LINDSAY GORDON, the ardent, horse-loving Australian +poet.] + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY. + +_Ghosts_ at the Royalty. "Alas, poor Ghosts!" A shady piece. "No money +taken at the doors" on this occasion, which is making a virtue of +necessity. This being the case, _Ghosts_ was, and if played again +will, be witnessed by an audience mainly composed of "Deadheads." +Lively this. The Critics have spoken out strongly, and those +interested in this Ibsenity should read the criticisms presumably by +Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT in _The Telegraph_ and Mr. MOY THOMAS in _The Daily +News_. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true, and just in all +their dealings with this Ibsenian craze. + + * * * * * + +"Les Oiseaux."--Mrs. RAM says she pities any unfortunate man whose +wife has a fearful temper. She knows one such husband who quite quails +before his wife, "and I'm not surprised," adds Mrs. R., "for I know +her, and she's a regular ptarmigan." + + * * * * * + +The Coming Census.--CARLYLE said, "The population of the British +Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly fools." Will the Census +be taken on the First of April? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +HEAD GROOM. "AH, MY BEAUTY!--YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET--BUT WE +SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER _AFTER EASTER_!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron can highly recommend _The Wages of Sin_, by LUCAS MALET. "I +am informed," says the B. DE B.-W., "that this is the _nom de plume_ +of an Authoress. This MALET should be Femalet." Be this as it may, the +Baron, who is discretion itself, will not attempt to penetrate beyond +the veil. Some of the writing is a bit tall; but thank heaven, my old +aesthetic friend, "O-the-pity-of-it" occurs only once; and O the pity +of it when he does so, and gives a "MAUDLE and POSTLETHWAITE" tone to +the passage in question. What does "huffle" mean? (Vol. III., p. 82.) +Genius has a right to create words; and when Genius does so, the very +sound of the word conveys its meaning with and frequently without the +context. "But I'm huffled," says the Baron, "if I understand it here." +Still "huffled" is a good-substitute for strong language, when you're +ruffled. Don't let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow +pace of Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish +mean cuss is the "hero," so to style him; and personally, the Baron +would consider him in Society as a first-class artistic bore. The +character is drawn with great skill, as are they all. The description +of _Mrs. Crookendon's_ after-dinner party is as life-like as if it +were a well-staged scene in a well-written and well-cast Drama. + +"I have been dipping into _Country House Sketches_, by C.C. RHYS," +says the Baron, "and have come to the conclusion that if the author, +youthful I fancy, would give himself time, and have the patience to +'follow my LEVER,' the result would be a _Jack Hinton Junior_, with +a smack of _Soapey Sponge_ in it." The short stories are all, more or +less, good, and would be still better but for a certain cocksureness +about them which savours of the man in a country house who will insist +on telling you a series of good stories about himself, one after the +other, until the guests in the smoking-room, in sheer despair of ever +getting their turn of talking about themselves, or of turning on +the tap of their own good stories, light their candles, yawn, and go +pensively to bed. + +My "Faithful Co." informs me that he has been reading some very +excellent _Sketches of England_, by a "Foreign Artist," and a "Foreign +Author." The latter is no less a person than the genial representative +of the _Journal des Debats_ in London, Mons. P. VILLARS. My "Co." +says that, take it all round, this is one of the best books upon _La +Perfide Albion_ he has ever read. Both scribe and illustrator are +evidently fond of the "Foreigners" they find in the British Isles. +Mons. VILLARS, however, makes one startling assertion, which has taken +my "Co," by surprise. The "Foreign Author" declares that "laughter +never struck his ears." Now our Monsieur is an admirable _raconteur_, +and if he ever told one of his capital stories to an Englishman of +average intelligence, he _must_ have heard laughter. He has also read +a rather strange work called, _What will Mrs. Grundy say?_ My "Co." +declares that, considering its subject, the book, which is not without +merit, might be recommended as a disciplinary exercise during Lent. + +Says "Co. Junior," to the Baron, "Sir, I've just come across AUSTIN +DOBSON and his _Four Frenchwomen_." "Hold!" cries the Baron, frowning. +"No scandal." "Nay, Sir," quoth "Co. Junior," nervously. "'tis but +the title of a book." "That is another thing," says the Baron, waving +his hand, "proceed!" "It is about Mlle. DE CORDAY, Madame ROLAND, +the Princesse DE LAMBALLE, and Madame DE GENLIS. I recommend it, +Sir. _Tolle, Lege!_ "And with a bow "Co. Junior," withdraws from the +presence. + +Quoth the Baron, "I was looking again into _Saint Monica_, just to see +if I might like it any better than I did on the first occasion--which, +"with me hand upon me hearrt," as Doctor O'Q. says, I cannot say +I do,--when I came upon the following misprint,--"_This woman, +nevertheless, worshipped him as the god of her idoltary._" It's a +beautiful word, "idoltary," and so much better than the ordinary way +of spelling it. So, after all, there is more in _Saint Monica_ than +I had expected. In fact, its chief fault is that it is too much spun +out; and, just at this time, _Saint Monica_ mustn't be associated in +any sort of way with the House at Cambridge where they spin. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A DEBUTANTE. + + Fair Maiden of unclouded brow + Who, gaily, 'mid the gay the gayest, + To England, Home, and Duty now + Oblation payest. + + Gay seeming,--if the milliner's + Can cheer, the florist's homage sightly; + And yet, unless my fancy errs, + Thou shudderest slightly. + + Is it a sigh for childhood's bliss, + A dread of what is coming, come what + May matrimonially--or is + It draughty somewhat? + + St. James's corridors are long + As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is + (Except the train, of course)--and strong + Mamma's relief is. + + In vulgar phrase, "Your mother knows + You're _out_," at length. Such triumphs too dear + Are sometimes purchased. I suppose + She fidgets you, dear. + + "The Countess!--bow, child, to the Earl!-- + Those terrible HYDE PARKES! Their posies + Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl. + How red your nose is! + + "Quick! take the powder-puff, my love-- + Not on your bouquet or your hair now!-- + Don't bungle so; you'll drop that glove-- + Please take more care now. + + "You stoop like any _bourgeoise_ chit. + Who'd think you educated highly? + No, not so stiff. Do blush a bit, + And simper shyly." + + Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air. + This kind of thing is hardly pleasant. + Indeed, I'm thankful not to wear + Thy shoes at present! + + * * * * * + +"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LA!" + +[Illustration] + +In the _Times_ for March 12th appeared a notice of The Spring Flower +Show, wherein it was stated that a silver medal was awarded to Mr. +BARR for his "_pretty collections, which included the spurius Henry +Irving_." There's an "o" omitted, of course, but it's the same word. +Who is the "spurious HENRY IRVING"? Where does this flower of the +Drama flourish, away from the Lyceum Theatre? What and where does +HENRICUS SPURIUS play? Does he appear in the Hare-Bells? Is he to +bloom in Covent Garden? or is it, after all, only a plant? There is +only one HENRICUS IRVINGUS, and he's not "_spurius_." + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +HEALTH.--I am not an invalid, but I suffer from giddiness, a feeling +of suffocation, with excruciating pains, and apparent cessation of +the heart's action. I am also so nervous, that, whenever the door is +opened, I begin to scream loudly. My mental feebleness finds vent in +puns that have alienated my oldest friends. Could some Correspondent +explain these symptoms? I do not believe in Doctors, but am taking +"Soft-sawder's Emulgent Balsam of Aconitine." It does not seem to have +done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my not having tried +it long enough.--RATHER ANXIOUS. + + * * * * * + +A DANCING-ON-NOTHING GIRL.--Talk of _The Dancing Girl_ at the +Haymarket--of course people _will_ talk--why she's nothing to +the girls who dance to M. JACOBI's inimitable ballet-music at the +Alhambra. Here they have a magic show, which "puzzles the Quaker;" +and I don't mind admitting that I was the quaker when I saw a fair and +comely young lady up in the air standing still and dancing on nothing +at all! Certainly "Aerolithe" is as good as any of her marvellous +predecessors, the Vanishing Girl included. As a conjuror, Mr. CARL +HERTZ, who I take to be the inventor of the above illusion, is +also uncommonly neat, and this "Ten o'Clock," to all lovers of the +marvellous, can be recommended by + +THE FACULTY FOR AMUSEMENT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RANDOM ALADDIN. + +HIS ADVENTURES IN MASHONALAND. AN ARABIAN NIGHT'S DREAM. SNOOZE NO. +1.] + + * * * * * + +"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!" + + [HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of _The + Gondoliers_, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, + in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy Theatre Company, under + the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.--_From the Times Court + Circular, Monday, March 9._] + +"A comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. But where +does W.S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving the programme, and +after giving all the characters and the supers, the words "_Dramatis +Personae_" occur as an after-thought, and underneath are the names +of the Musical Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. +Well, "W.S.G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful +performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the _Times_ C.C., "had the honour +of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her warm appreciation +of the manner in which the performance was conducted." Did R. D'OYLY +think of mentioning that "the words" were by W.S.G.? And then it +is told how D'OYLY refused to take any payment for the performance. +Noble, generous-hearted, large-minded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR +COURTLY SULLIVAN's name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this +extra act of generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir +BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, +dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what sort of +a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little episode in the +more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not a "Carpet Knight"? + + * * * * * + +A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.--Last Tuesday, under the heading of +"To-day," the _Times_ announced that "at the Society of Arts Mr. J. +STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on 'Enamelling +and Damascening,' Professor H. HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our +excellent Bushian Professor was the right man in the right place, +being so interested in theatrical matters; but, at the same time, +wouldn't the lecture on "Damascening," or "How to Dam-a-scene," have +been more suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY +JERUM in the Chair? + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.--"Turn again, WHITTAKER, First Mayor of +Richmond." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW SECT. + +"AND IS THE NEW CURATE _MARRIED_, MRS. JENKINS?" + +"OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A _CHALYBEATE_!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9_.--Naval Estimates on again. +Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Counted Out on +Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply again; formal Motion +made by JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply distressed to think that +Government should have fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's +really shocking," he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful +homes to London at this inclement season, to do the work of the +nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; +Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being found +there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out at half-past +eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally chucked away." + +"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard upon you, +sternly attending to your duty whilst others gambolled in the shade. +And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you were there when +the Count was made?" + +[Illustration: "Count" Cameron] + +"Well--er--you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact +is I wasn't there myself, though that, of course, does not deter +me from invoking censure on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that +the circumstance doesn't place me in a more favourable position. +Outsiders, you know, see most of game. I was outside; had, in fact, +comfortably gone off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to +make House. But they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it +hot for OLD MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here." + +Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. Condemnatory +Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42. + +House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore HARCOURT +appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, diffusing +unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Commodore looked very +imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards Mace, with telescope +under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over his ears, and unpolished +square-toed boots rising above his knees. A blizzard outside; snow +and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore soon made it hot all +round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly +claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval +resources for adequate adjective. Accused him of making a speech that +would have become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; +threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by the +SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful STRAFFORD." + +Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the storm inside +House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody knew that the +Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. Few present to witness +the perturbed scene on the Treasury Bench:--OLD MORALITY huddled up +against GEORGIE HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper +into measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the +lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining +his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference to +STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins considerably more +than six foot high, stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet +beat a wild accompaniment on the melancholy windows. + +_Business done_.--Commodore HARCOURT goes again on the rampage. + +_Tuesday_.--HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured by +fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Friendly +Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be remembered +as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of +Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general voluntary +provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly dragged in the axiom +that "Sound principles of provident Insurance should be included +in the subjects prescribed by the Education Code for instruction in +elementary schools." That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded _a +merveille_. + +"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and folding +his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his kindly +countenance, "that reminds me of old days. Many a time have I written +out in my copybook, 'Take care of your Neighbour's Pence, and your own +Pounds will Take Care of Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it +away for a Rainy Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread'; +'A Bird in a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps +of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. HOWARD +VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our elementary +schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men like me. You +remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their copy-book headings, +and I don't care who makes their laws.' HOWARD VINCENT is on the right +tack; think we shall accept his Resolution." + +So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had foregone his +speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, "There you +are," Government would have accepted it, and he would have had a night +of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined +chances of the Resolution he recommended. + +[Illustration: Herbert Maxwell Performed his task well. _Anon._] + +HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government, +did his work admirably. After fearful _fiasco_ with CHAPLIN last +Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give young Ministers +opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If MAXWELL made a mull of +this, following on Friday week's catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be +serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake. +He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject. + +_Business done_.--House Counted Out again. + +_Thursday_.--An Irish night at last, Quite a long time since we talked +of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess that Ireland was to the +fore by looking at the Irish quarter. Usual when Prince ARTHUR is +on his feet expounding and defending his policy for Irish camp to be +bristling with contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there, +including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't turned +up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new Manifesto. Towards +midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the quietude, observed that he +didn't believe there was a single Irish Member present. Whereupon +NOLAN, waking from sleep, under shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted +out, "What?" TANNER, just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince +ARTHUR, and the conversation terminated. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift McNeill "prating."] + +Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under discussion +is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR +asks for L55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to +obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote moved by Chief Secretary. +If they were there, they might be expected to say, "Thank you;" +so they stay away, one or two just looking in to contradict T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, SARK calls him--when he gave an account +of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland. + +_Business done_.--Relief voted for Irish Distress. + +_Friday Night_.--Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep just +now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can +comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince +ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Ground-rents in London. +Not, quite his subject; voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury +Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to +think of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern +Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother GERALD, +opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep +again. + +_Business done_.--Slept. + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS. + + [Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent to + destroy the Bacillus.] + + Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never cease: + Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in peace. + I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my newly-wedded bride, + And exposed--it's really shameless--on a microscopic slide. + Sure some philbacillic person a Society should start + For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful art. + + KOCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in. + But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a single pin. + We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, + But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, + And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, + When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. + + Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is to flood + All the circulation freely with injections of goat's blood, + That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem to hurt, + Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt; + Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be revenge most sweet + If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet. + + Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared that we shall die + Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fly. + We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll live at ease, + With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides? + We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife, + But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. + + Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endure, + Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure; + We have lived and flourished freely ever since the world began, + And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man; + While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, + That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. + + * * * * * + +BLONDEL UP TO DATE. + +(_A FRAGMENT FROM A HISTORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +And so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no one knew +whither. His followers, saving one, treated the matter very calmly. +The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his wits (he played +on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to rescue his Royal +Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had noticed that when he +performed on his musical instrument those who, perforce, were obliged +to listen to him acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, +others had shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. +Only once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as +if he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently +ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone deaf. So he +argued that if his music had so great an effect upon the population +of his native village it would work marvels in the wide world without. +And thus, with a heart full of hope and courage, he started on his +travels. + +He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a weary mile. +He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the people put their +heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to be gone; and +as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to have seen the +King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to +hear his music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring +rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his search +was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it as silent +as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, not even a +hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a policeman the meaning +of this strange, this unlooked-for quietude! + +"Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, surlily, "and I +will soon show you!" + +BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. + +"What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the provisions +of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!" + +And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to prison! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 21, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13269.txt or 13269.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/6/13269/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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