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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13269-0.txt b/13269-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b57794c --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1351 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13269 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 21, 1891. + + + + +MY LADY. + + She is not fair to outward view + As many maidens be; + (And into _such_ a rage she flew + On learning this from me;) + And yet she's lovely, nay divine, + Judged by her own peculiar line. + + She's deeply read. She knows as much + As average sixth-form boys; + But not the greatest sage could touch + The high, aggressive joys + That imp her wing, like bird of prey, + When in my dates I go astray. + + Not only learning's pure serene + Her soaring mind can charm; + The tradesman, shrinking from a scene, + Regards her with alarm, + And many a 'bus conductor owns + The pow'r of her metallic tones. + + Contentiously content, she takes + Her strident way through life, + And goodness only knows what makes + Her choose to be my wife. + Courage, poor heart! Thy yearnings stifle. + She's not a girl with whom to trifle. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE. + +I. + +[Illustration] + +Instead of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as proposed, +why not a Sub-Serpentine Line? Start it from the South Kensington +Station, District-cum-Metropolitan system, run it with one station +well-underground in the middle of Exhibition Road, whence an easy +ascent to the Imperial Exhibition, when passengers would come up to +"carp the vital airs," then right away again, branching off left +and right, thus bringing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy +communication, at all reasonable hours, and at reasonable prices, +with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, East and West. +If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at all--and, not being sacred +groves, there is no reason why they should not be, _faute de mieux_--a +transverse tunnelling from Kensington High Street to Queen's Road +would do the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our +power, and are,--Yours truly, + +WILL HONEYCOMB, MOLE, FERRET & CO., + +(_Burrow-Knights_.) + +II. + +O sir,--Pleese don't let us ave no nasty railwaies and tunels in +Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and the childern +can play about, an no danger from nothink sep dogs, wich is mosley +musseled, or led with a string, an we ain't trubbled about them, an +can ave a word to say to a frend, or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner +the treeses, so nice an quite, wich it wold not be wen disterbd by +ingins, an smoke, skreeges, an steem-wizzels. O, _Mr. P._, don't let +um do it. + +Yours obeegentlee, SARA JANE, (_Unner Nursrymade_.) + +III. + +Sir,--The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't be noticed +if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No blow-holes, of +course. No disfigurement. Take it under the centre path, _where there +are no trees_, then turn to the left outside the gate and burrow away +to S. Kensington Station. I can then get across the park in three +minutes for a penny; and now I have to walk, for which I haven't the +time, or take a cab, for which I haven't the money. + +Yours, A PRACTICAL PAUPER. + +IV. + +Sir,--I take this opportunity of pointing out that if anything at +all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, _why not make a real good +Rotten Row there?_ That would he a blessing and a convenience. We're +all so sick and tired of that squirrel-in-a-cage ride, round and round +Hyde Park, and that half-and-half affair in St. James's Park. No, Sir; +now's the time, and now's the hour. There's plenty of space for all +equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights of +nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of lovers too. +For my part, if this is not put forward as an alternative scheme, I +shall vote for tunnelling under the Gardens out of simple cussedness. +If the reply, authoritatively given, be that the two schemes can go +and must go together, then I will vote for both, only let's have the +equestrian arrangement first. + +Yours, JOLTIN TROTT, + +_Mount, Street, W, Captain 1st Lights and Liver Brigade_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE. + +"After all, the best of KEENE's life-work is to be found in the +innumerable cuts which he contributed to _Punch_ during a period of +nearly forty years; and still more in the originals of these, the +masterly pen-and-ink drawings which are now for the first time shown +in a collected form to the Public." + +So says Mr. CLAUDE PHILLIPS, in his "Prefatory Note," to the +"Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late CHARLES KEENE," now +on view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond Street. + +If the British Public possess that "taste for Art" and that "sense of +humour" which some claim for and others deny to it, it (the B.P.) will +throng the comfortable and well-lighted Gallery in New Bond Street, +where hang some hundreds of specimens of the later work of the most +unaffected humorist, and most masterly "Black-and-White" artist of +his time. Walk up, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see--such miracles of +delineation, such witcheries of effect, as were never before put on +paper by simple pen-and-ink! + +It is difficult to realise sometimes that it _is_ pen and ink, and +that only--all the delightful display of fresh English landscape and +unsophisticated British humanity, teeming with effects of distance, +hints of atmosphere, and suggestions of colour. Many a much-belauded +brush is but a fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with +the ink-charged crowquill handled by CHARLES KEENE. Look at +"_Grandiloquence_!" (No. 220) There's composition! There's effect! +Stretch of sea, schooner, PAT's petty craft, grandiloquent PAT +himself, a nautical Colossus astride on his own cock-boat, with stable +sea-legs firmly dispread, the swirl of the sea, the swish of the +waves, the very whiff of the wind so vividly suggested!--and all in +some few square inches of "Black-and-White!" + +Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of humorous +characterisation, the strong charm of _technique_, the colour, the +action, the marvellous ease and accuracy of street perspective in No. +16 ("_The Penny Toy!_"). Action? Why, you can _see_ the old lady jump, +let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame's foot, and +you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the "horrid reptile." + +Or at that vivid bit of London "hoarding," and London low life, and +London street-distance in "_'Andicapped!_" (No. 25.) Good as is the +"gaol-bird," is not the wonderfully real "hoarding" almost better? + +Who now can draw--or, for that matter, _paint_--such a shopkeeper, +_such_ a shop, _such_ a child customer as those in "_All Alive!_" (No. +41), where the _Little Girl_ a-tip-toe with a wedge of cheap "Cheddar" +at the counter, comes down upon him of the apron with the crusher, +"Oh, mother's sent back this piece o' cheese, 'cause father says if +he wants any bait when he's goin' a fishin', he can dig 'em up in our +garden!" + +Are _you_ a fisherman, reader? Then will you feel your angling as well +as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 ("_The Old Adam_") and No. +6 ("_Wet and Dry_"), the former especially! What water, what Scotch +boys, _what_ a "prencipled" (but piscatorial) "Meenister"! Don't _you_ +feel your elbow twitch? Don't _you_ want to snatch the rod from SANDY +McDOUGAL's hand, and land that "fush" yourself, Sawbath or no Sawbath? + +But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and _purchase_ +them all! A KEENE drawing, almost _any_ KEENE drawing, is "a thing of +beauty and a joy for ever" to everyone who has an eye for admirable +art and adorable drollery. And good as is the _fun_ of these drawings, +the graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, +and buoyancy, and breeziness, and masterly ease, and miraculous +open-airiness, and general delightfulness of them, are yet more marked +and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their merits. An +essay might be penned on any one of them--but fate forbid it _should_ +be, unless a sort of artistic CHARLES LAMB could take the task in +hand. Better far go again to New Bond Street and pass another happy +hour or two with the ruddy rustics and 'cute cockneys, the Scotch +elders and Anglican curates, the stodgy "Old Gents" and broad-backed, +bunchy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, +and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and +chatty 'bus-drivers, the "festive" diners-out and wary waiters, the +Volunteers and _vauriens_, the Artists and 'Arries, the policemen +and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street scenes, and the equally +inimitable lanes, coppices, turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades +and snowbound country roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and--for +his comrades and the Public alike--all-too-soon-departed CHARLES +KEENE! + +Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work, of even that part +of it exhibited here, _could_ be written within brief compass, even +by the most appreciative, admiring, and art-loving of his sorrowing +friends or colleagues. Let the British Public go to New Bond Street, +and see for itself, in the very hand-work of this great artist, what +he made manifest during so many years in the pages of _Punch_, namely, +the supreme triumph of "Black-and-White" in the achievements of its +greatest master. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KING STORK AND KING LOG. + +AN OLD FABLE REVERSED.] + + The Frogs, who lived a free and easy life + (As in the ancient fable) + Though not quite clear from internecine strife, + Fancied they were well able + To do _without_ a King. Batrachian wisdom + Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom, + And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and corals, + As ask a "King who might inspect their morals" + From Jupiter. Then 'twas _Juventus Mundi_; + The true King-maker now is--Mrs. GRUNDY, + And _she_ insisted that our modern Frogs + Should have a King--the woodenest of King Logs. + At first this terrified our Frogs exceedingly, + And, sometimes passionately, sometimes pleadingly, + They grumbled and protested; + But finding soon how placidly Log rested + Prone in the pool with mighty little motion, + Of danger they abandoned the wild notion, + Finding it easy for a Frog to jog + On with a kind King Log. + But in the fulness of the time, there came + A would-be monarch--Legion his fit name; + A Plebs-appointed Autocrat, Stork-throated, + Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated; + A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature, + A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief feature. + This new King Stork, + With a fierce, fussy appetite for work; + Not satisfied with fixing like a vice + Authority on Town and Country Mice, + Tried to extend his sway to pools and bogs, + And rule the Frogs! + But modern Frogdom, which had champions able, + Had read old-Æsop's fable, + And of King Stork's appearance far from amorous, + Croaked forth a chorus clamorous + Of resonant rebellion. These, upreared + On angry legs, waved arms that nothing feared; + King Log defending. Great CRAUGASIDES, + Among batrachian heroes first with ease, + With ventriloquial vehemence defied + The long-beaked base usurper. At his side + His fond companion, PHYSIGNATHUS swelled + Cheeks humorously defiant; + The ruddy giant + CRAMBOPHAGUS, as tall as is a Tree, + Flouted King Stork with gestures fierce and free, + Sleek CALAMINTHIUS, aper deft of eld, + Against the foe a pungent dart impelled; + HYDROCHARIS too, + (Most Terryble to view), + Fared to the front, whilst smaller, yet as brave + Tiny batrachian brethren, dusk of hue, + PRASSOPHAGUS, PRASSOEUS, staunch and true, + Webbed hands did wildly wave + With the frog-host against the beaky bird-- + "_He_ be our King?" they loudly cried. + "Absurd! + + Not Mercury, nor Jupiter _we_ beg + For a devouring despot, lank of leg, + Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak; + Though singly we seem weak, + United we are strong to smite or scoff. + Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!" + + * * * * * + +CHURCH AND STAGE.--Let no rabid Churchmen, of any school of thought, +ever again take exception to the irreligious character of playhouse +entertainments. Let them read the advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre +in _The Times_ for March 13:--"During Holy Week this theatre will be +closed, re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with _The Bells_, which +will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any arrangement +be more thoroughly in harmony with general ecclesiastical practice? +Any liturgical student knows that the bells are played once on Holy +Saturday, and that they should be played on Easter Monday is a matter +of course. + + * * * * * + +TRACKS FOR THE TIMES. + + [A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a right + to interfere with the growing practice of using the public + roads of the Metropolis at night-time as running-grounds for + athletes.] + + I come from haunts of smoke and grime, + I start in some blind alley, + And race each night against Old Time + Enthusiastically! + + I dodge past frightened City gents, + And sometimes send them flying, + Which makes them cherish sentiments + Not wholly edifying. + + I wind about, and in and out, + Along the crowded pavement, + While here and there the mockers flout + My costume and behavement. + + I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee + Amid the teeming traffic, + And drivers often use to me + Idioms extremely graphic. + + I murmur when a Lawyer's view + Absurdly tries to hinder + My turning public roads into + A private path of cinder. + + Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert, + Shall be my one endeavour; + For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear, + But I run on for ever! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLIZZARD. + +MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE TOO!), MARCH 9, +1891. + +(_10 to 1 Nobody turns up._)] + + * * * * * + +A DIARY OF DOVER. + +_March, 1891_.--Fearful storm in the Channel, when the _Victoria_ +is all but lost. Proposals in all the newspapers for the immediate +commencement of an adequate harbour. + +_April, 1892_.--Hurricane in the Channel, when seventeen ships are +lost, and the Club Train Boat (without passengers) is carried, high +and dry, as far as Amiens, by the force of the weather. Renewed +suggestions for the immediate building of an adequate harbour. + +_May, 1893_.--Cyclone in the Channel, in which the British Fleet +disappears. The newspapers once more urge the immediate commencement +of the proposed adequate harbour. + +_June, 1894_.--Disaster in the Channel. Every single vessel swamped, +owing to the terrific weather. Again the Press invites commencement of +an adequate harbour. + +_July, 1895_.--Members of both Houses of Parliament, invited to take +part in a State function at Calais, having been put to considerable +inconvenience, immediate orders are given for the prompt commencement +of the much-needed adequate harbour at Dover. + +_August, 19--_.--Proposed adequate harbour having employed the hands, +night and day, of thousands of workmen, at enormous expense (owing to +urgent pressure), is at length opened to the public, amidst universal +rejoicing. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM. + +ACT I. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershölm, with a stove, flower-stand, + windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, and everything + handsome about it, REBECCA WEST is sitting knitting a large + antimacassar which is nearly finished. Now and then she looks + out of a window, and smiles and nods expectantly to someone + outside. Madam HELSETH is laying the table for supper._ + +_Rebecca_ (_folding up her work slowly_). But tell me precisely, what +about this White Horse? [_Smiling quietly._ + +_Madam Helseth_. Lord forgive you, Miss!--(_fetching cruet-stand, and +placing it on table_)--but you're making fun of me! + +_Rebecca_ (_gravely_). No, indeed. Nobody makes fun at Rosmershölm. +Mr. ROSMER would not understand it. (_Shutting window._) Ah, here is +Rector KROLL. (_Opening door_.) You will stay to supper, will you not, +Rector, and I will tell them to give us some little extra dish. + +_Kroll_ (_hanging up his hat in the hall_). Many thanks. (_Wipes his +boots._) May I come in? (_Comes in, puts down his stick, sits down, +and looks about him._) And how do you and ROSMER get on together, eh? + +_Reb._ Ever since your sister, BEATA, went mad and jumped into the +mill-race, we have been as happy as two little birds together. (_After +a pause, sitting down in arm-chair._) So you don't really mind my +living here all alone with ROSMER? We were afraid you might, perhaps. + +_Kroll_. Why, how on earth--on the contrary, I shouldn't object at all +if you--(_looks at her meaningly_)--h'm! + +_Reb._ (_interrupting, gravely_). For shame, Rector; how can you make +such jokes! + +_Kroll_ (_as if surprised_). Jokes? We do not joke in these parts--but +here is ROSMER. + +[Illustration: "Taking off his gloves meaningly."] + + [_Enter ROSMER, gently and softly._ + +_Rosmer_. So, my dear old friend, you have come again, after a year's +absence. (_Sits down._) We almost thought that-- + +_Kroll_ (_nods_). So Miss WEST was saying--but you are quite mistaken. +I merely thought I might remind you, if I came, of our poor BEATA's +suicide, so I kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple +tact. + +_Rosmer_. It was considerate--but unnecessary. REB--I _mean_, Miss +WEST and I often allude to the incident, do we not? + +_Reb._ (_strikes Tändstickor_). Oh, yes, indeed. (_Lighting lamp_.) +Whenever we feel a little more cheerful than usual. + +_Kroll_. You dear good people! (_Wanders up the room._) I came because +the Spirit of Revolt has crept into my School. A Secret Society +has existed for weeks in the Lower Third! To-day it has come to my +knowledge that a booby-trap was prepared for me by the hand of my own +son, LAURITS, and I then discovered that a hair has been inserted in +my cane by my daughter HILDA! The only way in which a right-minded +Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is to +start a newspaper, and I thought that you, as a weak, credulous, +inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were the very person to +be the Editor. + + [_REB. laughs softly, as if to herself. ROSMER jumps up and + sits down again._ + +_Reb._ (_with a look at Rosmer_). Tell him now! + +_Rosmer_ (_returning the look_). I can't--some other evening. Well, +perhaps-- (_To KROLL._) I can't be your Editor--because (_in a low +voice_) I--I am on the side of LAURITS and HILDA! + +_Kroll_ (_looks from one to the other, gloomily_). H'm! + +_Rosmer_. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my views. I am going +to create a new democracy, and awaken it to its true task of making +all the people of this country noblemen, by freeing their wills, and +purifying their minds! + +_Kroll_. What _do_ you mean? [_Takes up his hat._ + +_Rosmer_ (_bowing his head_). I don't quite know, my dear friend; it +was REB--I should say. Miss WEST's scheme. + +_Kroll_. H'm! (_A suspicion appears in his face._) Now I begin to +believe that what BEATA said about schemes--no matter. But, under the +circumstances, I will _not_ stay to supper. + + [_Takes up his stick, and walks out._ + +_Rosmer_. I _told_ you he would be annoyed, I shall go to bed now. I +don't want any supper. [_He lights a candle, and goes out; presently +his footsteps are heard overhead, as he undresses. REBECCA pulls a +bell-rope._ + +_Reb._ (_to Madam HELSETH, who enters with dishes_). No, Mr. ROSMER +will not have supper to-night. (_In a lighter tone._) Perhaps he is +afraid of the nightmare. There are so many sorts of White Horses in +this world! + +_Mad. H._ (_shaking_). Lord! lord! that Miss WEST--the things she does +say! [_REB. goes out through door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, +as Curtain falls._ + +ACT II. + + ROSMER's _study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a + writing-table. Door, with curtain, leading to ROSMER's + bedroom. ROSMER discovered in a smoking-jacket cutting + a pamphlet with a paper-knife. There is a knock at the + door. ROSMER says, "Come in." REBECCA enters in a morning + wrapper and curl-papers. She sits on a chair close to ROSMER, + and looks over his shoulder as he cuts the leaves. Rector + KROLL is shown up._ + +_Kroll_ (_lays his hat on the table and looks at REB. from head to +foot_). I am really afraid that I am in the way. + +_Reb._ (_surprised_). Because I am in my morning wrapper and +curl-papers? You forget that I am _emancipated_, Rector KROLL. + + [_She leaves them and listens behind curtain in ROSMER's + bedroom._ + +_Rosmer_. Yes, Miss WEST and I have worked our way forward in faithful +comradeship. + +_Kroll_ (_shakes his head at him slowly_). So I perceive. Miss WEST +is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I say, _really_ you know-- +However, I came to tell you that poor BEATA was not so mad as she +looked, though flowers _did_ bewilder her so. (_Taking off his gloves +meaningly._) She jumped into the mill-race because she had an idea +that you ought to marry Miss WEST! + +_Rosmer_ (_jumps half up from his chair_). I? Marry--Miss WEST! +my good gracious, KROLL! I don't _understand_, it is _most_ +incomprehensible. (_Looks fixedly before him_.) How _can_ people-- +(_looks at him for a moment, then rises._) Will you get out? (_Still +quiet and self-restrained._) But first tell me why you never mentioned +this before? + +_Kroll_. Why? Because I thought you were both orthodox, which made all +the difference. Now I know that you side with LAURITS and HILDA, and +mean to make the democracy into noblemen, and accordingly I intend to +make it hot for you in my paper. _Good_ morning! [_He slams the door +with spite as_ REBECCA _enters from bed-room._ + +_Rosmer_ (_as if surprised_). You--in my bedroom! You have been +listening, dear? But you _are_ so emancipated. Ah, well! so our pure +and beautiful friendship has been misinterpreted, bespattered! Just +because you wear a morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for +a year, people with coarse souls and ignoble eyes make unpleasant +remarks! But what really _did_ drive BEATA mad? _Why_ did she jump +into the mill-race? I'm sure we did everything we could to spare her! +I made it the business of my life to keep her in ignorance of all our +interests--_didn't_ I, now? + +_Reb._ You did--but why brood over it? What _does_ it matter? Get on +with your great, beautiful task, dear, (_approaching him cautiously +from behind_), winning over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, +you know--_joyful_ noblemen! + +_Rosmer_ (_walking about, restlessly, as if in thought_). Yes, I +know. I have never laughed in the whole course of my life--we ROSMERS +don't--and so I felt that spreading gladness and light, and making +the democracy joyful, was properly my mission. But _now_--I feel too +upset to go on, REBECCA, unless-- (_Shakes his head heavily._) Yes, an +idea has just occurred to me--(_looks at her, and then runs his hands +through his hair_)--oh, my goodness, no--I _can't_. + + [_He leans his elbows on table._ + +_Reb._ Be a free man to the full, ROSMER--tell me your idea. + +_Rosmer_ (_gloomily_). I don't know what you'll say to it. It's this. +Our platonic comradeship was all very well while I was peaceful and +happy. Now that I'm bothered and badgered, I feel--_why_, I can't +exactly explain, but I _do_ feel that I must oppose a new and living +reality to the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, +explain that this is equivalent to an Ibsenian proposal. + +_Reb._ (_catches at the chairback with joy_). How? at _last_--a rise +at last! (_Recollects herself._) But what am I about? Am I not an +emancipated enigma? (_Puts her hands over her ears as if in terror._) +What are you saying? You mustn't. I can't _think_ what you mean. Go +away, do! + +_Rosmer_ (_softly_). Be the new and living reality. It is the only way +to put BEATA out of the Saga. Shall we try it? + +_Reb._ Never! Do not--_do_ not ask me why--for I haven't a notion--but +never! (_Nods slowly to him and rises._) White Horses would not induce +me! (_With her hand on door-handle._) Now you _know_! [_She goes out._ + +_Rosmer_ (_sits up, stares thunderstruck at the stove, and says to +himself_). Well--I--_am_-- [_Quick Curtain._ + + [The remaining two Acts of this subtle psychological study + unavoidably held over.] + + * * * * * + +"KEEP YOUR HARE ON!" + +[Illustration: Hare's Theatre.] + +In not following the advice given in the headline to this article, +clever Mr. PINERO has made a mistake. _Lady Bountiful_ with only a +very little HARE is a disappointment. The majority of those who go to +"Hare's Theatre" (they don't speak of it as "The Garrick") go to see +the Lessee and Manager in a new part: and they go to see a lot of him: +they don't ask merely for a small piece of HARE, if you please, though +they might be satisfied with HARE in a small piece. Everyone goes +expecting to see him in a good part in a good Comedy, his good part +being equal to the better part of the whole entertainment; and if they +don't so see him, they are disappointed. Why was Mr. GRUNDY's happy +translation of _Les Oiseaux_ peculiarly successful? because it was +a light, fresh, and pretty piece, wherein the occasional phrase in +a minor key was so artistically introduced as to be a relish to our +enjoyment of the humour of the characters and of the situations; but +all this would have gone for comparatively little had it not been +for the excellence of Mr. HARE's rendering of the first-rate part +of _Goldfinch_, which did not consist of occasional flashes, only to +collapse and disappear in the penultimate Act, but continued right +through to the end, dominating everything and everybody. This is not +so with _Lady Bountiful_. The appearance of _Roderick Heron_, who is +no creation of the Author's, as he admits, but merely _Mr. Skimpole_ +under another name, raises hopes at the commencement, which are +blighted long before the finish. The part gutters out, as does Mr. +CHARLES GROVE's _John Veale_, another "promise of spring." Young Mr. +GILBERT HARE makes a most creditable first appearance as _Sir Lucian +Brent, Bart_. He is easy and natural. + +For the greater part of the educated audience, it might have been +more useful if _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, had gone about with an +old Eton Latin Grammar in his pocket, instead of a _Horace_; and if +Miss KATE RORKE had divided with him the quotation, "_Nemo mortalium +omnibus horis sapit._" He, being rejected, might have commenced, +"_Nemo mortalium_," and she might have continued, "_omnibus horis_;" +then, both together, "_sapit_." Or when she had snubbed him, he +might have made some telling remark about "_Verbum personale_," and +so forth. The introduction of a quotation from _Horace_ is likely +rather to be resented than appreciated by the victims of a superior +education. What a bad quarter of an hour or so Paterfamilias will have +when Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from +_Horace_! Poor Pater will pretend not to have "quite caught them;" or +"not been attending;" but to himself he will own how entirely he has +forgotten his Latin, and perhaps he will make a good resolution to +himself to "look up his _Horace_ again." Then the learned young lady +will be asked by her Mamma, or by her sharp young bothering sister, +"what that Latin means," and though she might be able to construe +it when she sees it, to translate it offhand at one hearing is a +difficulty, and she will evade the question by saying, "Please, don't +talk! I want to listen to the piece." + +The youth in the Stalls, fresh from college or school, will be about +as much equal to the translation offhand as is young _Sir Lucian +Brent_ when asked by Mr. CATHCART to give the meaning of the Latin on +the ancient brasses in the old church, and they won't thank you for +bringing school studies into playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained +by this Dr. Panglossian introduction of Latin quotation; it doesn't +help the action, nor emphasise a character, nor does it strengthen a +situation, to bring in even the most appropriate lines which are not +"in a language understanded of the people." _Sir Richard Philliter, +Q.C._, might be known in private life to his friends as Sir HORACE +DAVUS (_Non Oedipus_). Mr. CATHCART's _Pedgrift_, parish clerk and +sexton, is an excellent little character-sketch, as is also that of +_Mrs. Hornutt_, the pew-opener. + +As for Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and Miss KATE RORKE, they seemed to me to +be what the author had made them--i.e., stagey. Miss DOLORES DRUMMOND, +as _Mrs. Veale_, is very good, and Miss MARIE LINDEN, except in one +stagey bit in the Third Act, plays with great care and judgment. +The interior of the old country church (Act III.) is a masterpiece +of scenic art and stage arrangement,--a perfect picture by Mr. +W. HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the _dénoûment_ of the +interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me of a pictorial +heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette or _The London +Journal_. It is a very weak finish, and not strengthened or improved +in any way by the line _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, has to say, +on which the Curtain descends. And what does everybody exclaim +afterwards? Simply, "Why there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We +thought we should see him again, and that he would come out all +right at last." That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their +favourite first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, +unless the character be exceptionally amusing. _Lady Bountiful_ might +be termed "A bald piece," because it has so little HARE. + + * * * * * + +THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE! + +(_WHEN NO DOUBT IT WILL BE CONDUCTED ON STRICTLY SCIENTIFIC +PRINCIPLES._) + +The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event in the +Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored at Putney. +Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training _mufti_, which +contrasted strongly with the garb of the sixteenth--a complete suit +of flannels. "To quote our ancestors--'Why this thusness?'" asked the +Camford Stroke, as he recognised one of his own men in this strange +apparel. + +"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to pull in +tweeds?" + +"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of the +Oxbridge Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the matter in a +more satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in the Nineties to +race in real earnest, but now that we have reached the Twentieth +Century our civilisation teaches something better." + +"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we had +better get at once to business. Who has the sworn information of our +respective coaches?" + +"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating Clubs; "and, +if you will allow me, I will produce them--or rather _it_, for the +coaches have affirmed jointly." + +All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on his +spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, and read as +follows:-- + +"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has an +advantage over Camford, which is only lessened, and certainly not +entirely removed, by the better training of the latter. Moreover, +the steering of the Oxbridge coxwain is infinitely preferable to the +steering of his rival. The times of the various trials, too, have in +every instance given a distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they +have a better boat. So, given fine weather, the result is a foregone +conclusion. Oxbridge must win, although no doubt Camford would make a +good fight for it, and come in a respectable second." + +"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the Camford +Stroke, with rather a forced laugh. + +"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In a company +of gentlemen like those present, accidents always _are_ barred!" + +"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose our +committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest Double First +have considered what I may call the atmospheric conditions under which +the race would have taken place?" + +"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all unfavourable to the +success of Camford," was the ready reply. + +"Then I think we have but one more thing to do--to give three hearty +cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge Stroke, and a minute +later the rafters rang with loud applause. + +"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the gentleman in +flannels--he was a Freshman--a little later. "Surely that would have +been more satisfactory." + +"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival of the +fittest!" and his answer afforded general satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +SHELLEY REVISED. + + Most rhyming men + Are cradled into poetry by fashion, + And learn as formula what they print as passion. + + * * * * * + +_The Development of Africa_, by A.S. WHITE, is advertised. This +is White on Black, and no player in hand. It should be immediately +followed by _Black on White, or Who takes the Pool?_ Exciting match, +with one life each. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED. + +_Jones_. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN _MY_ HAT, AND LEFT THIS +FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD THING INSTEAD!" + +_Brown_. "A--I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT _THAT_ HAPPENS TO BE _MY_ HAT!"] + + * * * * * + +KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +_HEAD GROOM B-LF-R LOQ._:-- + + Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or blunder, + Gov's fondness for _Tithe_, or bad weather, or what, + You're kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and able + To lead the whole field and to win by a lot. + A hunter I never bestrode half as clever! + _Tithe_? Pooh! _He_'s not in it, my beauty, with you. + You've breed, style, and mettle, and look in rare fettle. + If _I_ had to settle, you know what _I_'d do! + + These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders + Save them: as if gent ever made A 1 jock! + Ah! ADAM L. GORDON,[1] poor chap, had a word on + Such matters. I'll warrant _he_ sat like a rock, + And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it _is_ hard + To eat off your head in the stable like this. + Too long you have idled; but wait till you're bridled! + _The_ hunt of the season I swear you won't miss, + + It has been hard weather, although, beauty, whether + 'Tis that altogether your chance that postponed, + Or whether Boss SOLLY committed a folly-- + No matter! A comelier crack he ne'er owned, + Although 'tis I say it who shouldn't. The way it + Has snowed and has frozen may be his excuse; + But when you're once started, deer-limbed, lion-hearted, + I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the deuce. + + "A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and wiry, + A loin rather light, but a shoulder superb," + That's GORDON's description of _Iseult_. (All whip shun + When riding such rattlers, and trust to the curb.) + That mare was your sort, lad. I guess there'll be sport, lad, + When _you_ make strong running, and near the last jump. + And you, when extended, look "bloodlike and splendid." + Ah! poor LINDSAY GORDON was sportsman and trump. + + I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle + Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in you then: + There's howling "HISTORICUS,"--he's but a sorry cuss! + WEG, too, that grandest of all grand old men; + He's ridden some races; of chances and paces, + Of crocks _versus_ cracks he did ought to be judge. + He sees you are speedy; when MORLEY sneers "Weedy," + Or LAB doubts your staying, WEG knows it's all fudge! + + We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, lad; + Though we're frost-bound now, open weather must come, + At least after Easter; and, beauty, _when_ we stir. + And forge to the front, lad, we'll just make things hum. + In spite of much ruction concerning Obstruction, + I wish--_in a whisper_--we'd started before, + And, forcing the running, discarding all cunning, + Romped in--_as we will_--'midst a general roar! + +[Footnote 1: ADAM LINDSAY GORDON, the ardent, horse-loving Australian +poet.] + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY. + +_Ghosts_ at the Royalty. "Alas, poor Ghosts!" A shady piece. "No money +taken at the doors" on this occasion, which is making a virtue of +necessity. This being the case, _Ghosts_ was, and if played again +will, be witnessed by an audience mainly composed of "Deadheads." +Lively this. The Critics have spoken out strongly, and those +interested in this Ibsenity should read the criticisms presumably by +Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT in _The Telegraph_ and Mr. MOY THOMAS in _The Daily +News_. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true, and just in all +their dealings with this Ibsenian craze. + + * * * * * + +"Les Oiseaux."--Mrs. RAM says she pities any unfortunate man whose +wife has a fearful temper. She knows one such husband who quite quails +before his wife, "and I'm not surprised," adds Mrs. R., "for I know +her, and she's a regular ptarmigan." + + * * * * * + +The Coming Census.--CARLYLE said, "The population of the British +Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly fools." Will the Census +be taken on the First of April? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +HEAD GROOM. "AH, MY BEAUTY!--YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET--BUT WE +SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER _AFTER EASTER_!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron can highly recommend _The Wages of Sin_, by LUCAS MALET. "I +am informed," says the B. DE B.-W., "that this is the _nom de plume_ +of an Authoress. This MALET should be Femalet." Be this as it may, the +Baron, who is discretion itself, will not attempt to penetrate beyond +the veil. Some of the writing is a bit tall; but thank heaven, my old +æsthetic friend, "O-the-pity-of-it" occurs only once; and O the pity +of it when he does so, and gives a "MAUDLE and POSTLETHWAITE" tone to +the passage in question. What does "huffle" mean? (Vol. III., p. 82.) +Genius has a right to create words; and when Genius does so, the very +sound of the word conveys its meaning with and frequently without the +context. "But I'm huffled," says the Baron, "if I understand it here." +Still "huffled" is a good-substitute for strong language, when you're +ruffled. Don't let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow +pace of Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish +mean cuss is the "hero," so to style him; and personally, the Baron +would consider him in Society as a first-class artistic bore. The +character is drawn with great skill, as are they all. The description +of _Mrs. Crookendon's_ after-dinner party is as life-like as if it +were a well-staged scene in a well-written and well-cast Drama. + +"I have been dipping into _Country House Sketches_, by C.C. RHYS," +says the Baron, "and have come to the conclusion that if the author, +youthful I fancy, would give himself time, and have the patience to +'follow my LEVER,' the result would be a _Jack Hinton Junior_, with +a smack of _Soapey Sponge_ in it." The short stories are all, more or +less, good, and would be still better but for a certain cocksureness +about them which savours of the man in a country house who will insist +on telling you a series of good stories about himself, one after the +other, until the guests in the smoking-room, in sheer despair of ever +getting their turn of talking about themselves, or of turning on +the tap of their own good stories, light their candles, yawn, and go +pensively to bed. + +My "Faithful Co." informs me that he has been reading some very +excellent _Sketches of England_, by a "Foreign Artist," and a "Foreign +Author." The latter is no less a person than the genial representative +of the _Journal des Débats_ in London, Mons. P. VILLARS. My "Co." +says that, take it all round, this is one of the best books upon _La +Perfide Albion_ he has ever read. Both scribe and illustrator are +evidently fond of the "Foreigners" they find in the British Isles. +Mons. VILLARS, however, makes one startling assertion, which has taken +my "Co," by surprise. The "Foreign Author" declares that "laughter +never struck his ears." Now our Monsieur is an admirable _raconteur_, +and if he ever told one of his capital stories to an Englishman of +average intelligence, he _must_ have heard laughter. He has also read +a rather strange work called, _What will Mrs. Grundy say?_ My "Co." +declares that, considering its subject, the book, which is not without +merit, might be recommended as a disciplinary exercise during Lent. + +Says "Co. Junior," to the Baron, "Sir, I've just come across AUSTIN +DOBSON and his _Four Frenchwomen_." "Hold!" cries the Baron, frowning. +"No scandal." "Nay, Sir," quoth "Co. Junior," nervously. "'tis but +the title of a book." "That is another thing," says the Baron, waving +his hand, "proceed!" "It is about Mlle. DE CORDAY, Madame ROLAND, +the Princesse DE LAMBALLE, and Madame DE GENLIS. I recommend it, +Sir. _Tolle, Lege!_ "And with a bow "Co. Junior," withdraws from the +presence. + +Quoth the Baron, "I was looking again into _Saint Monica_, just to see +if I might like it any better than I did on the first occasion--which, +"with me hand upon me hearrt," as Doctor O'Q. says, I cannot say +I do,--when I came upon the following misprint,--"_This woman, +nevertheless, worshipped him as the god of her idoltary._" It's a +beautiful word, "idoltary," and so much better than the ordinary way +of spelling it. So, after all, there is more in _Saint Monica_ than +I had expected. In fact, its chief fault is that it is too much spun +out; and, just at this time, _Saint Monica_ mustn't be associated in +any sort of way with the House at Cambridge where they spin. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A DÉBUTANTE. + + Fair Maiden of unclouded brow + Who, gaily, 'mid the gay the gayest, + To England, Home, and Duty now + Oblation payest. + + Gay seeming,--if the milliner's + Can cheer, the florist's homage sightly; + And yet, unless my fancy errs, + Thou shudderest slightly. + + Is it a sigh for childhood's bliss, + A dread of what is coming, come what + May matrimonially--or is + It draughty somewhat? + + St. James's corridors are long + As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is + (Except the train, of course)--and strong + Mamma's relief is. + + In vulgar phrase, "Your mother knows + You're _out_," at length. Such triumphs too dear + Are sometimes purchased. I suppose + She fidgets you, dear. + + "The Countess!--bow, child, to the Earl!-- + Those terrible HYDE PARKES! Their posies + Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl. + How red your nose is! + + "Quick! take the powder-puff, my love-- + Not on your bouquet or your hair now!-- + Don't bungle so; you'll drop that glove-- + Please take more care now. + + "You stoop like any _bourgeoise_ chit. + Who'd think you educated highly? + No, not so stiff. Do blush a bit, + And simper shyly." + + Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air. + This kind of thing is hardly pleasant. + Indeed, I'm thankful not to wear + Thy shoes at present! + + * * * * * + +"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LA!" + +[Illustration] + +In the _Times_ for March 12th appeared a notice of The Spring Flower +Show, wherein it was stated that a silver medal was awarded to Mr. +BARR for his "_pretty collections, which included the spurius Henry +Irving_." There's an "o" omitted, of course, but it's the same word. +Who is the "spurious HENRY IRVING"? Where does this flower of the +Drama flourish, away from the Lyceum Theatre? What and where does +HENRICUS SPURIUS play? Does he appear in the Hare-Bells? Is he to +bloom in Covent Garden? or is it, after all, only a plant? There is +only one HENRICUS IRVINGUS, and he's not "_spurius_." + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +HEALTH.--I am not an invalid, but I suffer from giddiness, a feeling +of suffocation, with excruciating pains, and apparent cessation of +the heart's action. I am also so nervous, that, whenever the door is +opened, I begin to scream loudly. My mental feebleness finds vent in +puns that have alienated my oldest friends. Could some Correspondent +explain these symptoms? I do not believe in Doctors, but am taking +"Soft-sawder's Emulgent Balsam of Aconitine." It does not seem to have +done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my not having tried +it long enough.--RATHER ANXIOUS. + + * * * * * + +A DANCING-ON-NOTHING GIRL.--Talk of _The Dancing Girl_ at the +Haymarket--of course people _will_ talk--why she's nothing to +the girls who dance to M. JACOBI's inimitable ballet-music at the +Alhambra. Here they have a magic show, which "puzzles the Quaker;" +and I don't mind admitting that I was the quaker when I saw a fair and +comely young lady up in the air standing still and dancing on nothing +at all! Certainly "Aerolithe" is as good as any of her marvellous +predecessors, the Vanishing Girl included. As a conjuror, Mr. CARL +HERTZ, who I take to be the inventor of the above illusion, is +also uncommonly neat, and this "Ten o'Clock," to all lovers of the +marvellous, can be recommended by + +THE FACULTY FOR AMUSEMENT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RANDOM ALADDIN. + +HIS ADVENTURES IN MASHONALAND. AN ARABIAN NIGHT'S DREAM. SNOOZE NO. +1.] + + * * * * * + +"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!" + + [HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of _The + Gondoliers_, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, + in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy Theatre Company, under + the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.--_From the Times Court + Circular, Monday, March 9._] + +"A comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. But where +does W.S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving the programme, and +after giving all the characters and the supers, the words "_Dramatis +Personæ_" occur as an after-thought, and underneath are the names +of the Musical Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. +Well, "W.S.G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful +performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the _Times_ C.C., "had the honour +of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her warm appreciation +of the manner in which the performance was conducted." Did R. D'OYLY +think of mentioning that "the words" were by W.S.G.? And then it +is told how D'OYLY refused to take any payment for the performance. +Noble, generous-hearted, large-minded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR +COURTLY SULLIVAN's name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this +extra act of generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir +BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, +dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what sort of +a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little episode in the +more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not a "Carpet Knight"? + + * * * * * + +A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.--Last Tuesday, under the heading of +"To-day," the _Times_ announced that "at the Society of Arts Mr. J. +STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on 'Enamelling +and Damascening,' Professor H. HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our +excellent Bushian Professor was the right man in the right place, +being so interested in theatrical matters; but, at the same time, +wouldn't the lecture on "Damascening," or "How to Dam-a-scene," have +been more suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY +JERUM in the Chair? + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.--"Turn again, WHITTAKER, First Mayor of +Richmond." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW SECT. + +"AND IS THE NEW CURATE _MARRIED_, MRS. JENKINS?" + +"OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A _CHALYBEATE_!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9_.--Naval Estimates on again. +Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Counted Out on +Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply again; formal Motion +made by JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply distressed to think that +Government should have fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's +really shocking," he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful +homes to London at this inclement season, to do the work of the +nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; +Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being found +there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out at half-past +eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally chucked away." + +"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard upon you, +sternly attending to your duty whilst others gambolled in the shade. +And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you were there when +the Count was made?" + +[Illustration: "Count" Cameron] + +"Well--er--you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact +is I wasn't there myself, though that, of course, does not deter +me from invoking censure on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that +the circumstance doesn't place me in a more favourable position. +Outsiders, you know, see most of game. I was outside; had, in fact, +comfortably gone off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to +make House. But they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it +hot for OLD MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here." + +Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. Condemnatory +Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42. + +House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore HARCOURT +appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, diffusing +unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Commodore looked very +imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards Mace, with telescope +under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over his ears, and unpolished +square-toed boots rising above his knees. A blizzard outside; snow +and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore soon made it hot all +round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly +claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval +resources for adequate adjective. Accused him of making a speech that +would have become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; +threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by the +SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful STRAFFORD." + +Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the storm inside +House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody knew that the +Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. Few present to witness +the perturbed scene on the Treasury Bench:--OLD MORALITY huddled up +against GEORGIE HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper +into measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the +lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining +his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference to +STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins considerably more +than six foot high, stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet +beat a wild accompaniment on the melancholy windows. + +_Business done_.--Commodore HARCOURT goes again on the rampage. + +_Tuesday_.--HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured by +fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Friendly +Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be remembered +as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of +Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general voluntary +provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly dragged in the axiom +that "Sound principles of provident Insurance should be included +in the subjects prescribed by the Education Code for instruction in +elementary schools." That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded _à +merveille_. + +"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and folding +his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his kindly +countenance, "that reminds me of old days. Many a time have I written +out in my copybook, 'Take care of your Neighbour's Pence, and your own +Pounds will Take Care of Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it +away for a Rainy Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread'; +'A Bird in a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps +of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. HOWARD +VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our elementary +schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men like me. You +remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their copy-book headings, +and I don't care who makes their laws.' HOWARD VINCENT is on the right +tack; think we shall accept his Resolution." + +So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had foregone his +speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, "There you +are," Government would have accepted it, and he would have had a night +of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined +chances of the Resolution he recommended. + +[Illustration: Herbert Maxwell Performed his task well. _Anon._] + +HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government, +did his work admirably. After fearful _fiasco_ with CHAPLIN last +Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give young Ministers +opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If MAXWELL made a mull of +this, following on Friday week's catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be +serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake. +He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject. + +_Business done_.--House Counted Out again. + +_Thursday_.--An Irish night at last, Quite a long time since we talked +of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess that Ireland was to the +fore by looking at the Irish quarter. Usual when Prince ARTHUR is +on his feet expounding and defending his policy for Irish camp to be +bristling with contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there, +including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't turned +up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new Manifesto. Towards +midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the quietude, observed that he +didn't believe there was a single Irish Member present. Whereupon +NOLAN, waking from sleep, under shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted +out, "What?" TANNER, just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince +ARTHUR, and the conversation terminated. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift McNeill "prating."] + +Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under discussion +is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR +asks for £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to +obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote moved by Chief Secretary. +If they were there, they might be expected to say, "Thank you;" +so they stay away, one or two just looking in to contradict T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, SARK calls him--when he gave an account +of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland. + +_Business done_.--Relief voted for Irish Distress. + +_Friday Night_.--Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep just +now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can +comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince +ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Ground-rents in London. +Not, quite his subject; voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury +Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to +think of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern +Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother GERALD, +opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep +again. + +_Business done_.--Slept. + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS. + + [Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent to + destroy the Bacillus.] + + Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never cease: + Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in peace. + I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my newly-wedded bride, + And exposed--it's really shameless--on a microscopic slide. + Sure some philbacillic person a Society should start + For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful art. + + KOCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in. + But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a single pin. + We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, + But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, + And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, + When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. + + Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is to flood + All the circulation freely with injections of goat's blood, + That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem to hurt, + Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt; + Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be revenge most sweet + If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet. + + Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared that we shall die + Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fly. + We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll live at ease, + With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides? + We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife, + But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. + + Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endure, + Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure; + We have lived and flourished freely ever since the world began, + And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man; + While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, + That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. + + * * * * * + +BLONDEL UP TO DATE. + +(_A FRAGMENT FROM A HISTORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +And so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no one knew +whither. His followers, saving one, treated the matter very calmly. +The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his wits (he played +on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to rescue his Royal +Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had noticed that when he +performed on his musical instrument those who, perforce, were obliged +to listen to him acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, +others had shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. +Only once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as +if he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently +ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone deaf. So he +argued that if his music had so great an effect upon the population +of his native village it would work marvels in the wide world without. +And thus, with a heart full of hope and courage, he started on his +travels. + +He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a weary mile. +He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the people put their +heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to be gone; and +as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to have seen the +King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to +hear his music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring +rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his search +was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it as silent +as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, not even a +hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a policeman the meaning +of this strange, this unlooked-for quietude! + +"Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, surlily, "and I +will soon show you!" + +BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. + +"What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the provisions +of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!" + +And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to prison! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 21, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13269 *** diff --git a/13269-h/13269-h.htm b/13269-h/13269-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1956d36 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/13269-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2017 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, March 21, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13269 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 21, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" + id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + + <h2>MY LADY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She is not fair to outward view</p> + + <p class="i2">As many maidens be;</p> + + <p>(And into <i>such</i> a rage she flew</p> + + <p class="i2">On learning this from me;)</p> + + <p>And yet she's lovely, nay divine,</p> + + <p>Judged by her own peculiar line.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She's deeply read. She knows as much</p> + + <p class="i2">As average sixth-form boys;</p> + + <p>But not the greatest sage could touch</p> + + <p class="i2">The high, aggressive joys</p> + + <p>That imp her wing, like bird of prey,</p> + + <p>When in my dates I go astray.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not only learning's pure serene</p> + + <p class="i2">Her soaring mind can charm;</p> + + <p>The tradesman, shrinking from a scene,</p> + + <p class="i2">Regards her with alarm,</p> + + <p>And many a 'bus conductor owns</p> + + <p>The pow'r of her metallic tones.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Contentiously content, she takes</p> + + <p class="i2">Her strident way through life,</p> + + <p>And goodness only knows what makes</p> + + <p class="i2">Her choose to be my wife.</p> + + <p>Courage, poor heart! Thy yearnings stifle.</p> + + <p>She's not a girl with whom to trifle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE.</h2> + + <h4>I.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/133.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/133.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Instead of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as + proposed, why not a Sub-Serpentine Line? Start it from the + South Kensington Station, District-cum-Metropolitan system, run + it with one station well-underground in the middle of + Exhibition Road, whence an easy ascent to the Imperial + Exhibition, when passengers would come up to "carp the vital + airs," then right away again, branching off left and right, + thus bringing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy + communication, at all reasonable hours, and at reasonable + prices, with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, + East and West. If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at + all—and, not being sacred groves, there is no reason why + they should not be, <i>faute de mieux</i>—a transverse + tunnelling from Kensington High Street to Queen's Road would do + the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our + power, and are,—Yours truly,</p> + + <p class="author">WILL HONEYCOMB, MOLE, FERRET & CO.,</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Burrow-Knights</i>.)</p> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <p>O sir,—Pleese don't let us ave no nasty railwaies and + tunels in Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and + the childern can play about, an no danger from nothink sep + dogs, wich is mosley musseled, or led with a string, an we + ain't trubbled about them, an can ave a word to say to a frend, + or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner the treeses, so nice an + quite, wich it wold not be wen disterbd by ingins, an smoke, + skreeges, an steem-wizzels. O, <i>Mr. P.</i>, don't let um do + it.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours obeegentlee, SARA JANE, (<i>Unner + Nursrymade</i>.)</p> + + <h4>III.</h4> + + <p>Sir,—The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't + be noticed if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No + blow-holes, of course. No disfigurement. Take it under the + centre path, <i>where there are no trees</i>, then turn to the + left outside the gate and burrow away to S. Kensington Station. + I can then get across the park in three minutes for a penny; + and now I have to walk, for which I haven't the time, or take a + cab, for which I haven't the money.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, A PRACTICAL PAUPER.</p> + + <h4>IV.</h4> + + <p>Sir,—I take this opportunity of pointing out that if + anything at all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, <i>why + not make a real good Rotten Row there?</i> That would he a + blessing and a convenience. We're all so sick and tired of that + squirrel-in-a-cage ride, round and round Hyde Park, and that + half-and-half affair in St. James's Park. No, Sir; now's the + time, and now's the hour. There's plenty of space for all + equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights + of nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of + lovers too. For my part, if this is not put forward as an + alternative scheme, I shall vote for tunnelling under the + Gardens out of simple cussedness. If the reply, authoritatively + given, be that the two schemes can go and must go together, + then I will vote for both, only let's have the equestrian + arrangement first.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, JOLTIN TROTT,</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount, Street, W, Captain 1st Lights and + Liver Brigade</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE.</h2> + + <p>"After all, the best of KEENE's life-work is to be found in + the innumerable cuts which he contributed to <i>Punch</i> + during a period of nearly forty years; and still more in the + originals of these, the masterly pen-and-ink drawings which are + now for the first time shown in a collected form to the + Public."</p> + + <p>So says Mr. CLAUDE PHILLIPS, in his "Prefatory Note," to the + "Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late CHARLES + KEENE," now on view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, + New Bond Street.</p> + + <p>If the British Public possess that "taste for Art" and that + "sense of humour" which some claim for and others deny to it, + it (the B.P.) will throng the comfortable and well-lighted + Gallery in New Bond Street, where hang some hundreds of + specimens of the later work of the most unaffected humorist, + and most masterly "Black-and-White" artist of his time. Walk + up, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see—such miracles of + delineation, such witcheries of effect, as were never before + put on paper by simple pen-and-ink!</p> + + <p>It is difficult to realise sometimes that it <i>is</i> pen + and ink, and that only—all the delightful display of + fresh English landscape and unsophisticated British humanity, + teeming with effects of distance, hints of atmosphere, and + suggestions of colour. Many a much-belauded brush is but a + fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with the ink-charged + crowquill handled by CHARLES KEENE. Look at + "<i>Grandiloquence</i>!" (No. 220) There's composition! There's + effect! Stretch of sea, schooner, PAT's petty craft, + grandiloquent PAT himself, a nautical Colossus astride on his + own cock-boat, with stable sea-legs firmly dispread, the swirl + of the sea, the swish of the waves, the very whiff of the wind + so vividly suggested!—and all in some few square inches + of "Black-and-White!"</p> + + <p>Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of + humorous characterisation, the strong charm of + <i>technique</i>, the colour, the action, the marvellous ease + and accuracy of street perspective in No. 16 ("<i>The Penny + Toy!</i>"). Action? Why, you can <i>see</i> the old lady jump, + let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame's foot, + and you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the "horrid + reptile."</p> + + <p>Or at that vivid bit of London "hoarding," and London low + life, and London street-distance in "<i>'Andicapped!</i>" (No. + 25.) Good as is the "gaol-bird," is not the wonderfully real + "hoarding" almost better?</p> + + <p>Who now can draw—or, for that matter, + <i>paint</i>—such a shopkeeper, <i>such</i> a shop, + <i>such</i> a child customer as those in "<i>All Alive!</i>" + (No. 41), where the <i>Little Girl</i> a-tip-toe with a wedge + of cheap "Cheddar" at the counter, comes down upon him of the + apron with the crusher, "Oh, mother's sent back this piece o' + cheese, 'cause father says if he wants any bait when he's goin' + a fishin', he can dig 'em up in our garden!"</p> + + <p>Are <i>you</i> a fisherman, reader? Then will you feel your + angling as well as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 + ("<i>The Old Adam</i>") and No. 6 ("<i>Wet and Dry</i>"), the + former especially! What water, what Scotch boys, <i>what</i> a + "prencipled" (but piscatorial) "Meenister"! Don't <i>you</i> + feel your elbow twitch? Don't <i>you</i> want to snatch the rod + from SANDY McDOUGAL's hand, and land that "fush" yourself, + Sawbath or no Sawbath?</p> + + <p>But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and + <i>purchase</i> them all! A KEENE drawing, almost <i>any</i> + KEENE drawing, is "a thing of beauty and a joy for ever" to + everyone who has an eye for admirable art and adorable + drollery. And good as is the <i>fun</i> of these drawings, the + graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, and + buoyancy, and breeziness, and masterly ease, and miraculous + open-airiness, and general delightfulness of them, are yet more + marked and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their + merits. An essay might be penned on any one of them—but + fate forbid it <i>should</i> be, unless a sort of artistic + CHARLES LAMB could take the task in hand. Better far go again + to New Bond Street and pass another happy hour or two with the + ruddy rustics and 'cute cockneys, the Scotch elders and + Anglican curates, the stodgy "Old Gents" and broad-backed, + bunchy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, + and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and + chatty 'bus-drivers, the "festive" diners-out and wary waiters, + the Volunteers and <i>vauriens</i>, the Artists and 'Arries, + the policemen and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street + scenes, and the equally inimitable lanes, coppices, + turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades and snowbound country + roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and—for his comrades + and the Public alike—all-too-soon-departed CHARLES + KEENE!</p> + + <p>Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work, of even + that part of it exhibited here, <i>could</i> be written within + brief compass, even by the most appreciative, admiring, and + art-loving of his sorrowing friends or colleagues. Let the + British Public go to New Bond Street, and see for itself, in + the very hand-work of this great artist, what he made manifest + during so many years in the pages of <i>Punch</i>, namely, the + supreme triumph of "Black-and-White" in the achievements of its + greatest master.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" + id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>KING STORK AND KING LOG.</h3> + + <h4>AN OLD FABLE + REVERSED.</h4><a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/134.png" + alt="KING STORK AND KING LOG." /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Frogs, who lived a free and easy life</p> + + <p class="i4">(As in the ancient fable)</p> + + <p>Though not quite clear from internecine + strife,</p> + + <p class="i4">Fancied they were well able</p> + + <p>To do <i>without</i> a King. Batrachian + wisdom</p> + + <p>Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom,</p> + + <p>And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and + corals,</p> + + <p>As ask a "King who might inspect their + morals"</p> + + <p>From Jupiter. Then 'twas <i>Juventus + Mundi</i>;</p> + + <p>The true King-maker now is—Mrs. + GRUNDY,</p> + + <p>And <i>she</i> insisted that our modern + Frogs</p> + + <p>Should have a King—the woodenest of King + Logs.</p> + + <p>At first this terrified our Frogs + exceedingly,</p> + + <p>And, sometimes passionately, sometimes + pleadingly,</p> + + <p class="i4">They grumbled and protested;</p> + + <p>But finding soon how placidly Log rested</p> + + <p>Prone in the pool with mighty little motion,</p> + + <p>Of danger they abandoned the wild notion,</p> + + <p>Finding it easy for a Frog to jog</p> + + <p class="i4">On with a kind King Log.</p> + + <p>But in the fulness of the time, there came</p> + + <p>A would-be monarch—Legion his fit + name;</p> + + <p>A Plebs-appointed Autocrat, Stork-throated,</p> + + <p class="i4">Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated;</p> + + <p>A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature,</p> + + <p>A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief + feature.</p> + + <p class="i4">This new King Stork,</p> + + <p>With a fierce, fussy appetite for work;</p> + + <p>Not satisfied with fixing like a vice</p> + + <p>Authority on Town and Country Mice,</p> + + <p>Tried to extend his sway to pools and bogs,</p> + + <p class="i4">And rule the + Frogs!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" + id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + + <p>But modern Frogdom, which had champions + able,</p> + + <p class="i4">Had read old-Æsop's fable,</p> + + <p>And of King Stork's appearance far from + amorous,</p> + + <p class="i4">Croaked forth a chorus clamorous</p> + + <p>Of resonant rebellion. These, upreared</p> + + <p>On angry legs, waved arms that nothing + feared;</p> + + <p>King Log defending. Great CRAUGASIDES,</p> + + <p>Among batrachian heroes first with ease,</p> + + <p>With ventriloquial vehemence defied</p> + + <p>The long-beaked base usurper. At his side</p> + + <p>His fond companion, PHYSIGNATHUS swelled</p> + + <p class="i4">Cheeks humorously defiant;</p> + + <p class="i8">The ruddy giant</p> + + <p>CRAMBOPHAGUS, as tall as is a Tree,</p> + + <p>Flouted King Stork with gestures fierce and + free,</p> + + <p>Sleek CALAMINTHIUS, aper deft of eld,</p> + + <p>Against the foe a pungent dart impelled;</p> + + <p class="i8">HYDROCHARIS too,</p> + + <p class="i4">(Most Terryble to view),</p> + + <p>Fared to the front, whilst smaller, yet as + brave</p> + + <p>Tiny batrachian brethren, dusk of hue,</p> + + <p>PRASSOPHAGUS, PRASSOEUS, staunch and true,</p> + + <p class="i4">Webbed hands did wildly wave</p> + + <p>With the frog-host against the beaky + bird—</p> + + <p>"<i>He</i> be our King?" they loudly cried.</p> + + <p class="i8">"Absurd!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not Mercury, nor Jupiter <i>we</i> beg</p> + + <p>For a devouring despot, lank of leg,</p> + + <p>Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak;</p> + + <p class="i4">Though singly we seem weak,</p> + + <p>United we are strong to smite or scoff.</p> + + <p>Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHURCH AND STAGE.—Let no rabid Churchmen, of any + school of thought, ever again take exception to the irreligious + character of playhouse entertainments. Let them read the + advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre in <i>The Times</i> for + March 13:—"During Holy Week this theatre will be closed, + re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with <i>The Bells</i>, which + will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any + arrangement be more thoroughly in harmony with general + ecclesiastical practice? Any liturgical student knows that the + bells are played once on Holy Saturday, and that they should be + played on Easter Monday is a matter of course.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TRACKS FOR THE TIMES.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a + right to interfere with the growing practice of using the + public roads of the Metropolis at night-time as + running-grounds for athletes.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I come from haunts of smoke and grime,</p> + + <p class="i2">I start in some blind alley,</p> + + <p>And race each night against Old Time</p> + + <p class="i2">Enthusiastically!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I dodge past frightened City gents,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sometimes send them flying,</p> + + <p>Which makes them cherish sentiments</p> + + <p class="i2">Not wholly edifying.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wind about, and in and out,</p> + + <p class="i2">Along the crowded pavement,</p> + + <p>While here and there the mockers flout</p> + + <p class="i2">My costume and behavement.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee</p> + + <p class="i2">Amid the teeming traffic,</p> + + <p>And drivers often use to me</p> + + <p class="i2">Idioms extremely graphic.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I murmur when a Lawyer's view</p> + + <p class="i2">Absurdly tries to hinder</p> + + <p>My turning public roads into</p> + + <p class="i2">A private path of cinder.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall be my one endeavour;</p> + + <p>For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I run on for ever!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/135.png" + alt="THE BLIZZARD." /></a> + + <h3>THE BLIZZARD.</h3> + + <h4>MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE + TOO!), MARCH 9, 1891.</h4>(<i>10 to 1 Nobody turns up.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A DIARY OF DOVER.</h2> + + <p><i>March, 1891</i>.—Fearful storm in the Channel, when + the <i>Victoria</i> is all but lost. Proposals in all the + newspapers for the immediate commencement of an adequate + harbour.</p> + + <p><i>April, 1892</i>.—Hurricane in the Channel, when + seventeen ships are lost, and the Club Train Boat (without + passengers) is carried, high and dry, as far as Amiens, by the + force of the weather. Renewed suggestions for the immediate + building of an adequate harbour.</p> + + <p><i>May, 1893</i>.—Cyclone in the Channel, in which the + British Fleet disappears. The newspapers once more urge the + immediate commencement of the proposed adequate harbour.</p> + + <p><i>June, 1894</i>.—Disaster in the Channel. Every + single vessel swamped, owing to the terrific weather. Again the + Press invites commencement of an adequate harbour.</p> + + <p><i>July, 1895</i>.—Members of both Houses of + Parliament, invited to take part in a State function at Calais, + having been put to considerable inconvenience, immediate orders + are given for the prompt commencement of the much-needed + adequate harbour at Dover.</p> + + <p><i>August, 19—</i>.—Proposed adequate harbour + having employed the hands, night and day, of thousands of + workmen, at enormous expense (owing to urgent pressure), is at + length opened to the public, amidst universal rejoicing.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" + id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. I.—ROSMERSHÖLM.</h3> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Sitting-room at Rosmershölm, with a stove, + flower-stand, windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, + and everything handsome about it</i>, REBECCA WEST <i>is + sitting knitting a large antimacassar which is nearly + finished. Now and then she looks out of a window, and + smiles and nods expectantly to someone outside.</i> Madam + HELSETH <i>is laying the table for supper.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rebecca</i> (<i>folding up her work slowly</i>). But tell + me precisely, what about this White Horse? [<i>Smiling + quietly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Madam Helseth</i>. Lord forgive you, + Miss!—(<i>fetching cruet-stand, and placing it on + table</i>)—but you're making fun of me!</p> + + <p><i>Rebecca</i> (<i>gravely</i>). No, indeed. Nobody makes + fun at Rosmershölm. Mr. ROSMER would not understand it. + (<i>Shutting window.</i>) Ah, here is Rector KROLL. (<i>Opening + door</i>.) You will stay to supper, will you not, Rector, and I + will tell them to give us some little extra dish.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>hanging up his hat in the hall</i>). Many + thanks. (<i>Wipes his boots.</i>) May I come in? (<i>Comes in, + puts down his stick, sits down, and looks about him.</i>) And + how do you and ROSMER get on together, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Ever since your sister, BEATA, went mad and + jumped into the mill-race, we have been as happy as two little + birds together. (<i>After a pause, sitting down in + arm-chair</i>.) So you don't really mind my living here all + alone with ROSMER? We were afraid you might, perhaps.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. Why, how on earth—on the contrary, I + shouldn't object at all if you—(<i>looks at her + meaningly</i>)—h'm!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>interrupting, gravely</i>). For shame, + Rector; how can you make such jokes!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>as if surprised</i>). Jokes? We do not joke + in these parts—but here is ROSMER.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/136.png" + alt="'Taking off his gloves meaningly.'" /></a>"Taking + off his gloves meaningly." + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> ROSMER, <i>gently and softly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. So, my dear old friend, you have come again, + after a year's absence. (<i>Sits down.</i>) We almost thought + that—</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>nods</i>). So Miss WEST was + saying—but you are quite mistaken. I merely thought I + might remind you, if I came, of our poor BEATA's suicide, so I + kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple tact.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. It was considerate—but unnecessary. + REB—I <i>mean</i>, Miss WEST and I often allude to the + incident, do we not?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>strikes Tändstickor</i>). Oh, yes, indeed. + (<i>Lighting lamp</i>.) Whenever we feel a little more cheerful + than usual.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. You dear good people! (<i>Wanders up the + room.</i>) I came because the Spirit of Revolt has crept into + my School. A Secret Society has existed for weeks in the Lower + Third! To-day it has come to my knowledge that a booby-trap was + prepared for me by the hand of my own son, LAURITS, and I then + discovered that a hair has been inserted in my cane by my + daughter HILDA! The only way in which a right-minded + Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is + to start a newspaper, and I thought that you, as a weak, + credulous, inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were + the very person to be the Editor.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[REB. <i>laughs softly, as if to herself.</i> ROSMER + <i>jumps up and sits down again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>with a look at Rosmer</i>). Tell him + now!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>returning the look</i>). I + can't—some other evening. Well, perhaps— (<i>To</i> + KROLL.) I can't be your Editor—because (<i>in a low + voice</i>) I—I am on the side of LAURITS and HILDA!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>looks from one to the other, gloomily</i>). + H'm!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my + views. I am going to create a new democracy, and awaken it to + its true task of making all the people of this country + noblemen, by freeing their wills, and purifying their + minds!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. What <i>do</i> you mean? [<i>Takes up his + hat.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>bowing his head</i>). I don't quite know, + my dear friend; it was REB—I should say. Miss WEST's + scheme.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. H'm! (<i>A suspicion appears in his face.</i>) + Now I begin to believe that what BEATA said about + schemes—no matter. But, under the circumstances, I will + <i>not</i> stay to supper.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Takes up his stick, and walks out.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. I <i>told</i> you he would be annoyed, I + shall go to bed now. I don't want any supper. [<i>He lights a + candle, and goes out; presently his footsteps are heard + overhead, as he undresses.</i> REBECCA <i>pulls a + bell-rope.</i></p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>to</i> Madam HELSETH, <i>who enters with + dishes</i>). No, Mr. ROSMER will not have supper to-night. + (<i>In a lighter tone.</i>) Perhaps he is afraid of the + nightmare. There are so many sorts of White Horses in this + world!</p> + + <p><i>Mad. H.</i> (<i>shaking</i>). Lord! lord! that Miss + WEST—the things she does say! [REB. <i>goes out through + door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, as Curtain + falls.</i></p> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>ROSMER's <i>study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a + writing-table. Door, with curtain, leading to</i> ROSMER's + <i>bedroom</i>. ROSMER <i>discovered in a smoking-jacket + cutting a pamphlet with a paper-knife. There is a knock at + the door.</i> ROSMER <i>says</i>, "<i>Come in</i>." REBECCA + <i>enters in a morning wrapper and curl-papers. She sits on + a chair close to</i> ROSMER, <i>and looks over his shoulder + as he cuts the leaves.</i> Rector KROLL <i>is shown + up.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>lays his hat on the table and looks at</i> + REB. <i>from head to foot</i>). I am really afraid that I am in + the way.</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Because I am in my morning + wrapper and curl-papers? You forget that I am + <i>emancipated</i>, Rector KROLL.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She leaves them and listens behind curtain in</i> + ROSMER's <i>bedroom.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Yes, Miss WEST and I have worked our way + forward in faithful comradeship.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>shakes his head at him slowly</i>). So I + perceive. Miss WEST is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I + say, <i>really</i> you know— However, I came to tell you + that poor BEATA was not so mad as she looked, though flowers + <i>did</i> bewilder her so. (<i>Taking off his gloves + meaningly.</i>) She jumped into the mill-race because she had + an idea that you ought to marry Miss WEST!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>jumps half up from his chair</i>). I? + Marry—Miss WEST! my good gracious, KROLL! I don't + <i>understand</i>, it is <i>most</i> incomprehensible. + (<i>Looks fixedly before him</i>.) How <i>can</i> people— + (<i>looks at him for a moment, then rises.</i>) Will you get + out? (<i>Still quiet and self-restrained.</i>) But first tell + me why you never mentioned this before?</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. Why? Because I thought you were both orthodox, + which made all the difference. Now I know that you side with + LAURITS and HILDA, and mean to make the democracy into + noblemen, and accordingly I intend to make it hot for you in my + paper. <i>Good</i> morning! [<i>He slams the door with spite + as</i> REBECCA <i>enters from bed-room.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>as if surprised</i>). You—in my + bedroom! You have been listening, dear? But you <i>are</i> so + emancipated. Ah, well! so our pure and beautiful friendship has + been misinterpreted, bespattered! Just because you wear a + morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for a year, people + with coarse souls and ignoble eyes make unpleasant remarks! But + what really <i>did</i> drive BEATA mad? <i>Why</i> did she jump + into the mill-race? I'm sure we did everything we could to + spare her! I made it the business of my life to keep her in + ignorance of all our interests—<i>didn't</i> I, now?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> You did—but why brood over it? What + <i>does</i> it matter? Get on with your great, beautiful task, + dear, (<i>approaching him cautiously from behind</i>), winning + over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, you + know—<i>joyful</i> noblemen!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>walking about, restlessly, as if in + thought</i>). Yes, I know. I have never laughed in the whole + course of my life—we ROSMERS don't—and so I felt + that spreading gladness and light, and making the democracy + joyful, was properly my mission. But <i>now</i>—I feel + too upset to go on, REBECCA, unless— (<i>Shakes his head + heavily.</i>) Yes, an idea has just occurred to + me—(<i>looks at her, and then runs his hands through his + hair</i>)—oh, my goodness, no—I <i>can't</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He leans his elbows on table.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Be a free man to the full, ROSMER—tell me + your idea.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>gloomily</i>). I don't know what you'll + say to it. It's this. Our platonic comradeship was all very + well while I was peaceful and happy. Now that I'm bothered and + badgered, I feel—<i>why</i>, I can't exactly explain, but + I <i>do</i> feel that I must oppose a new and living reality to + the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, explain + that this is equivalent to an Ibsenian + proposal.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>catches at the chairback with joy</i>). How? + at <i>last</i>—a rise at last! (<i>Recollects + herself.</i>) But what am I about? Am I not an emancipated + enigma? (<i>Puts her hands over her ears as if in terror.</i>) + What are you saying? You mustn't. I can't <i>think</i> what you + mean. Go away, do!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>softly</i>). Be the new and living + reality. It is the only way to put BEATA out of the Saga. Shall + we try it?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Never! Do not—<i>do</i> not ask me + why—for I haven't a notion—but never! (<i>Nods + slowly to him and rises.</i>) White Horses would not induce me! + (<i>With her hand on door-handle.</i>) Now you <i>know</i>! + [<i>She goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>sits up, stares thunderstruck at the + stove, and says to himself</i>). + Well—I—<i>am</i>— [<i>Quick Curtain.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[The remaining two Acts of this subtle psychological + study unavoidably held over.]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>"KEEP YOUR HARE ON!"</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/137.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/137.png" + alt="Hare's Theatre." /></a>Hare's Theatre. + </div> + + <p>In not following the advice given in the headline to this + article, clever Mr. PINERO has made a mistake. <i>Lady + Bountiful</i> with only a very little HARE is a disappointment. + The majority of those who go to "Hare's Theatre" (they don't + speak of it as "The Garrick") go to see the Lessee and Manager + in a new part: and they go to see a lot of him: they don't ask + merely for a small piece of HARE, if you please, though they + might be satisfied with HARE in a small piece. Everyone goes + expecting to see him in a good part in a good Comedy, his good + part being equal to the better part of the whole entertainment; + and if they don't so see him, they are disappointed. Why was + Mr. GRUNDY's happy translation of <i>Les Oiseaux</i> peculiarly + successful? because it was a light, fresh, and pretty piece, + wherein the occasional phrase in a minor key was so + artistically introduced as to be a relish to our enjoyment of + the humour of the characters and of the situations; but all + this would have gone for comparatively little had it not been + for the excellence of Mr. HARE's rendering of the first-rate + part of <i>Goldfinch</i>, which did not consist of occasional + flashes, only to collapse and disappear in the penultimate Act, + but continued right through to the end, dominating everything + and everybody. This is not so with <i>Lady Bountiful</i>. The + appearance of <i>Roderick Heron</i>, who is no creation of the + Author's, as he admits, but merely <i>Mr. Skimpole</i> under + another name, raises hopes at the commencement, which are + blighted long before the finish. The part gutters out, as does + Mr. CHARLES GROVE's <i>John Veale</i>, another "promise of + spring." Young Mr. GILBERT HARE makes a most creditable first + appearance as <i>Sir Lucian Brent, Bart</i>. He is easy and + natural.</p> + + <p>For the greater part of the educated audience, it might have + been more useful if <i>Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C.</i>, had + gone about with an old Eton Latin Grammar in his pocket, + instead of a <i>Horace</i>; and if Miss KATE RORKE had divided + with him the quotation, "<i>Nemo mortalium omnibus horis + sapit.</i>" He, being rejected, might have commenced, "<i>Nemo + mortalium</i>," and she might have continued, "<i>omnibus + horis</i>;" then, both together, "<i>sapit</i>." Or when she + had snubbed him, he might have made some telling remark about + "<i>Verbum personale</i>," and so forth. The introduction of a + quotation from <i>Horace</i> is likely rather to be resented + than appreciated by the victims of a superior education. What a + bad quarter of an hour or so Paterfamilias will have when + Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from + <i>Horace</i>! Poor Pater will pretend not to have "quite + caught them;" or "not been attending;" but to himself he will + own how entirely he has forgotten his Latin, and perhaps he + will make a good resolution to himself to "look up his + <i>Horace</i> again." Then the learned young lady will be asked + by her Mamma, or by her sharp young bothering sister, "what + that Latin means," and though she might be able to construe it + when she sees it, to translate it offhand at one hearing is a + difficulty, and she will evade the question by saying, "Please, + don't talk! I want to listen to the piece."</p> + + <p>The youth in the Stalls, fresh from college or school, will + be about as much equal to the translation offhand as is young + <i>Sir Lucian Brent</i> when asked by Mr. CATHCART to give the + meaning of the Latin on the ancient brasses in the old church, + and they won't thank you for bringing school studies into + playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained by this Dr. + Panglossian introduction of Latin quotation; it doesn't help + the action, nor emphasise a character, nor does it strengthen a + situation, to bring in even the most appropriate lines which + are not "in a language understanded of the people." <i>Sir + Richard Philliter, Q.C.</i>, might be known in private life to + his friends as Sir HORACE DAVUS (<i>Non Oedipus</i>). Mr. + CATHCART's <i>Pedgrift</i>, parish clerk and sexton, is an + excellent little character-sketch, as is also that of <i>Mrs. + Hornutt</i>, the pew-opener.</p> + + <p>As for Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and Miss KATE RORKE, they seemed + to me to be what the author had made them—<i>i.e.</i>, + stagey. Miss DOLORES DRUMMOND, as <i>Mrs. Veale</i>, is very + good, and Miss MARIE LINDEN, except in one stagey bit in the + Third Act, plays with great care and judgment. The interior of + the old country church (Act III.) is a masterpiece of scenic + art and stage arrangement,—a perfect picture by Mr. W. + HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the <i>dénoûment</i> of + the interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me of a + pictorial heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette + or <i>The London Journal</i>. It is a very weak finish, and not + strengthened or improved in any way by the line <i>Sir Richard + Philliter, Q.C.</i>, has to say, on which the Curtain descends. + And what does everybody exclaim afterwards? Simply, "Why + there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We thought we should see + him again, and that he would come out all right at last." + That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their favourite + first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, + unless the character be exceptionally amusing. <i>Lady + Bountiful</i> might be termed "A bald piece," because it has so + little HARE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>When no doubt it will be conducted on strictly + scientific principles.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event + in the Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored + at Putney. Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training + <i>mufti</i>, which contrasted strongly with the garb of the + sixteenth—a complete suit of flannels. "To quote our + ancestors—'Why this thusness?'" asked the Camford Stroke, + as he recognised one of his own men in this strange + apparel.</p> + + <p>"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to + pull in tweeds?"</p> + + <p>"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of + the Oxbridge Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the + matter in a more satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in + the Nineties to race in real earnest, but now that we have + reached the Twentieth Century our civilisation teaches + something better."</p> + + <p>"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we + had better get at once to business. Who has the sworn + information of our respective coaches?"</p> + + <p>"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating + Clubs; "and, if you will allow me, I will produce them—or + rather <i>it</i>, for the coaches have affirmed jointly."</p> + + <p>All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on + his spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, + and read as follows:—</p> + + <p>"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has + an advantage over Camford, which is only lessened, and + certainly not entirely removed, by the better training of the + latter. Moreover, the steering of the Oxbridge coxwain is + infinitely preferable to the steering of his rival. The times + of the various trials, too, have in every instance given a + distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they have a better boat. + So, given fine weather, the result is a foregone conclusion. + Oxbridge must win, although no doubt Camford would make a good + fight for it, and come in a respectable second."</p> + + <p>"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the + Camford Stroke, with rather a forced laugh.</p> + + <p>"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In + a company of gentlemen like those present, accidents always + <i>are</i> barred!"</p> + + <p>"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose + our committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest + Double First have considered what I may call the atmospheric + conditions under which the race would have taken place?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all + unfavourable to the success of Camford," was the ready + reply.</p> + + <p>"Then I think we have but one more thing to do—to give + three hearty cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge + Stroke, and a minute later the rafters rang with loud + applause.</p> + + <p>"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the + gentleman in flannels—he was a Freshman—a little + later. "Surely that would have been more satisfactory."</p> + + <p>"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival + of the fittest!" and his answer afforded general + satisfaction.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Shelley Revised.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Most rhyming men</p> + + <p>Are cradled into poetry by fashion,</p> + + <p>And learn as formula what they print as passion.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>The Development of Africa</i>, by A.S. WHITE, is + advertised. This is White on Black, and no player in hand. It + should be immediately followed by <i>Black on White, or Who + takes the Pool?</i> Exciting match, with one life each.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" + id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/138.png" + alt="CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED." /></a> + + <h3>CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED.</h3> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN + <i>MY</i> HAT, AND LEFT THIS FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD + THING INSTEAD!"</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. "A—I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT + <i>THAT</i> HAPPENS TO BE <i>MY</i> HAT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KEPT IN THE STABLE.</h2> + + <h4><i>Head Groom B-lf-r loq.</i>:—</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or + blunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gov's fondness for <i>Tithe</i>, or bad + weather, or what,</p> + + <p>You're kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and + able</p> + + <p class="i2">To lead the whole field and to win by a + lot.</p> + + <p>A hunter I never bestrode half as clever!</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Tithe</i>? Pooh! <i>He</i>'s not in + it, my beauty, with you.</p> + + <p>You've breed, style, and mettle, and look in rare + fettle.</p> + + <p class="i2">If <i>I</i> had to settle, you know what + <i>I</i>'d do!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders</p> + + <p class="i2">Save them: as if gent ever made A 1 + jock!</p> + + <p>Ah! ADAM L. GORDON,<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + poor chap, had a word on</p> + + <p class="i2">Such matters. I'll warrant <i>he</i> sat + like a rock,</p> + + <p>And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it <i>is</i> + hard</p> + + <p class="i2">To eat off your head in the stable like + this.</p> + + <p>Too long you have idled; but wait till you're + bridled!</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>The</i> hunt of the season I swear you + won't miss,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It has been hard weather, although, beauty, + whether</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis that altogether your chance that + postponed,</p> + + <p>Or whether Boss SOLLY committed a folly—</p> + + <p class="i2">No matter! A comelier crack he ne'er + owned,</p> + + <p>Although 'tis I say it who shouldn't. The way it</p> + + <p class="i2">Has snowed and has frozen may be his + excuse;</p> + + <p>But when you're once started, deer-limbed, + lion-hearted,</p> + + <p class="i2">I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the + deuce.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and + wiry,</p> + + <p class="i2">A loin rather light, but a shoulder + superb,"</p> + + <p>That's GORDON's description of <i>Iseult</i>. (All + whip shun</p> + + <p class="i2">When riding such rattlers, and trust to + the curb.)</p> + + <p>That mare was your sort, lad. I guess there'll be + sport, lad,</p> + + <p class="i2">When <i>you</i> make strong running, and + near the last jump.</p> + + <p>And you, when extended, look "bloodlike and + splendid."</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! poor LINDSAY GORDON was sportsman and + trump.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle</p> + + <p class="i2">Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in + you then:</p> + + <p>There's howling "HISTORICUS,"—he's but a sorry + cuss!</p> + + <p class="i2">WEG, too, that grandest of all grand old + men;</p> + + <p>He's ridden some races; of chances and paces,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of crocks <i>versus</i> cracks he did + ought to be judge.</p> + + <p>He sees you are speedy; when MORLEY sneers + "Weedy,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Or LAB doubts your staying, WEG knows + it's all fudge!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, + lad;</p> + + <p class="i2">Though we're frost-bound now, open + weather must come,</p> + + <p>At least after Easter; and, beauty, <i>when</i> we + stir.</p> + + <p class="i2">And forge to the front, lad, we'll just + make things hum.</p> + + <p>In spite of much ruction concerning Obstruction,</p> + + <p class="i2">I wish—<i>in a + whisper</i>—we'd started before,</p> + + <p>And, forcing the running, discarding all + cunning,</p> + + <p class="i2">Romped in—<i>as we + will</i>—'midst a general roar!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>ADAM LINDSAY GORDON, the ardent, horse-loving Australian + poet.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>MORE IBSENITY.</h3> + + <p><i>Ghosts</i> at the Royalty. "Alas, poor Ghosts!" A shady + piece. "No money taken at the doors" on this occasion, which is + making a virtue of necessity. This being the case, + <i>Ghosts</i> was, and if played again will, be witnessed by an + audience mainly composed of "Deadheads." Lively this. The + Critics have spoken out strongly, and those interested in this + Ibsenity should read the criticisms presumably by Mr. CLEMENT + SCOTT in <i>The Telegraph</i> and Mr. MOY THOMAS in <i>The + Daily News</i>. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true, + and just in all their dealings with this Ibsenian craze.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Les Oiseaux."—Mrs. RAM says she pities any + unfortunate man whose wife has a fearful temper. She knows one + such husband who quite quails before his wife, "and I'm not + surprised," adds Mrs. R., "for I know her, and she's a regular + ptarmigan."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Coming Census.—CARLYLE said, "The population of + the British Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly + fools." Will the Census be taken on the First of April?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" + id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/139.png" + alt="KEPT IN THE STABLE." /></a> + + <h3>KEPT IN THE STABLE.</h3>HEAD GROOM. "AH, MY + BEAUTY!—YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET—BUT WE + SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER <i>AFTER EASTER</i>!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" + id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/141-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/141-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Baron can highly recommend <i>The Wages of Sin</i>, by + LUCAS MALET. "I am informed," says the B. DE B.-W., "that this + is the <i>nom de plume</i> of an Authoress. This MALET should + be Femalet." Be this as it may, the Baron, who is discretion + itself, will not attempt to penetrate beyond the veil. Some of + the writing is a bit tall; but thank heaven, my old æsthetic + friend, "O-the-pity-of-it" occurs only once; and O the pity of + it when he does so, and gives a "MAUDLE and POSTLETHWAITE" tone + to the passage in question. What does "huffle" mean? (Vol. + III., p. 82.) Genius has a right to create words; and when + Genius does so, the very sound of the word conveys its meaning + with and frequently without the context. "But I'm huffled," + says the Baron, "if I understand it here." Still "huffled" is a + good-substitute for strong language, when you're ruffled. Don't + let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow pace of + Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish mean + cuss is the "hero," so to style him; and personally, the Baron + would consider him in Society as a first-class artistic bore. + The character is drawn with great skill, as are they all. The + description of <i>Mrs. Crookendon's</i> after-dinner party is + as life-like as if it were a well-staged scene in a + well-written and well-cast Drama.</p> + + <p>"I have been dipping into <i>Country House Sketches</i>, by + C.C. RHYS," says the Baron, "and have come to the conclusion + that if the author, youthful I fancy, would give himself time, + and have the patience to 'follow my LEVER,' the result would be + a <i>Jack Hinton Junior</i>, with a smack of <i>Soapey + Sponge</i> in it." The short stories are all, more or less, + good, and would be still better but for a certain cocksureness + about them which savours of the man in a country house who will + insist on telling you a series of good stories about himself, + one after the other, until the guests in the smoking-room, in + sheer despair of ever getting their turn of talking about + themselves, or of turning on the tap of their own good stories, + light their candles, yawn, and go pensively to bed.</p> + + <p>My "Faithful Co." informs me that he has been reading some + very excellent <i>Sketches of England</i>, by a "Foreign + Artist," and a "Foreign Author." The latter is no less a person + than the genial representative of the <i>Journal des Débats</i> + in London, Mons. P. VILLARS. My "Co." says that, take it all + round, this is one of the best books upon <i>La Perfide + Albion</i> he has ever read. Both scribe and illustrator are + evidently fond of the "Foreigners" they find in the British + Isles. Mons. VILLARS, however, makes one startling assertion, + which has taken my "Co," by surprise. The "Foreign Author" + declares that "laughter never struck his ears." Now our + Monsieur is an admirable <i>raconteur</i>, and if he ever told + one of his capital stories to an Englishman of average + intelligence, he <i>must</i> have heard laughter. He has also + read a rather strange work called, <i>What will Mrs. Grundy + say?</i> My "Co." declares that, considering its subject, the + book, which is not without merit, might be recommended as a + disciplinary exercise during Lent.</p> + + <p>Says "Co. Junior," to the Baron, "Sir, I've just come across + AUSTIN DOBSON and his <i>Four Frenchwomen</i>." "Hold!" cries + the Baron, frowning. "No scandal." "Nay, Sir," quoth "Co. + Junior," nervously. "'tis but the title of a book." "That is + another thing," says the Baron, waving his hand, "proceed!" "It + is about Mlle. DE CORDAY, Madame ROLAND, the Princesse DE + LAMBALLE, and Madame DE GENLIS. I recommend it, Sir. <i>Tolle, + Lege!</i> "And with a bow "Co. Junior," withdraws from the + presence.</p> + + <p>Quoth the Baron, "I was looking again into <i>Saint + Monica</i>, just to see if I might like it any better than I + did on the first occasion—which, "with me hand upon me + hearrt," as Doctor O'Q. says, I cannot say I do,—when I + came upon the following misprint,—"<i>This woman, + nevertheless, worshipped him as the god of her idoltary.</i>" + It's a beautiful word, "idoltary," and so much better than the + ordinary way of spelling it. So, after all, there is more in + <i>Saint Monica</i> than I had expected. In fact, its chief + fault is that it is too much spun out; and, just at this time, + <i>Saint Monica</i> mustn't be associated in any sort of way + with the House at Cambridge where they spin.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO A DÉBUTANTE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair Maiden of unclouded brow</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, gaily, 'mid the gay the gayest,</p> + + <p>To England, Home, and Duty now</p> + + <p class="i10">Oblation payest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gay seeming,—if the milliner's</p> + + <p class="i2">Can cheer, the florist's homage + sightly;</p> + + <p>And yet, unless my fancy errs,</p> + + <p class="i10">Thou shudderest slightly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is it a sigh for childhood's bliss,</p> + + <p class="i2">A dread of what is coming, come what</p> + + <p>May matrimonially—or is</p> + + <p class="i10">It draughty somewhat?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>St. James's corridors are long</p> + + <p class="i2">As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is</p> + + <p>(Except the train, of course)—and strong</p> + + <p class="i10">Mamma's relief is.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vulgar phrase, "Your mother knows</p> + + <p class="i2">You're <i>out</i>," at length. Such + triumphs too dear</p> + + <p>Are sometimes purchased. I suppose</p> + + <p class="i10">She fidgets you, dear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Countess!—bow, child, to the + Earl!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Those terrible HYDE PARKES! Their + posies</p> + + <p>Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl.</p> + + <p class="i10">How red your nose is!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Quick! take the powder-puff, my love—</p> + + <p class="i2">Not on your bouquet or your hair + now!—</p> + + <p>Don't bungle so; you'll drop that glove—</p> + + <p class="i10">Please take more care now.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You stoop like any <i>bourgeoise</i> chit.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd think you educated highly?</p> + + <p>No, not so stiff. Do blush a bit,</p> + + <p class="i10">And simper shyly."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air.</p> + + <p class="i2">This kind of thing is hardly + pleasant.</p> + + <p>Indeed, I'm thankful not to wear</p> + + <p class="i10">Thy shoes at present!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LA!"</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/141-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/141-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>In the <i>Times</i> for March 12th appeared a notice of The + Spring Flower Show, wherein it was stated that a silver medal + was awarded to Mr. BARR for his "<i>pretty collections, which + included the spurius Henry Irving</i>." There's an "o" omitted, + of course, but it's the same word. Who is the "spurious HENRY + IRVING"? Where does this flower of the Drama flourish, away + from the Lyceum Theatre? What and where does HENRICUS SPURIUS + play? Does he appear in the Hare-Bells? Is he to bloom in + Covent Garden? or is it, after all, only a plant? There is only + one HENRICUS IRVINGUS, and he's not "<i>spurius</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>HEALTH.—I am not an invalid, but I suffer from + giddiness, a feeling of suffocation, with excruciating pains, + and apparent cessation of the heart's action. I am also so + nervous, that, whenever the door is opened, I begin to scream + loudly. My mental feebleness finds vent in puns that have + alienated my oldest friends. Could some Correspondent explain + these symptoms? I do not believe in Doctors, but am taking + "Soft-sawder's Emulgent Balsam of Aconitine." It does not seem + to have done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my + not having tried it long enough.—RATHER ANXIOUS.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A DANCING-ON-NOTHING GIRL.—Talk of <i>The Dancing + Girl</i> at the Haymarket—of course people <i>will</i> + talk—why she's nothing to the girls who dance to M. + JACOBI's inimitable ballet-music at the Alhambra. Here they + have a magic show, which "puzzles the Quaker;" and I don't mind + admitting that I was the quaker when I saw a fair and comely + young lady up in the air standing still and dancing on nothing + at all! Certainly "Aerolithe" is as good as any of her + marvellous predecessors, the Vanishing Girl included. As a + conjuror, Mr. CARL HERTZ, who I take to be the inventor of the + above illusion, is also uncommonly neat, and this "Ten + o'Clock," to all lovers of the marvellous, can be recommended + by</p> + + <p class="author">THE FACULTY FOR AMUSEMENT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" + id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/142.png" + alt="RANDOM ALADDIN." /></a> + + <h3>RANDOM ALADDIN.</h3>HIS ADVENTURES IN MASHONALAND. AN + ARABIAN NIGHT'S DREAM. SNOOZE NO. 1. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" + id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> + + <h2>"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!"</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of + <i>The Gondoliers</i>, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir + ARTHUR SULLIVAN, in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy + Theatre Company, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY + CARTE.—<i>From the Times Court Circular, Monday, + March 9.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"A comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. + But where does W.S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving + the programme, and after giving all the characters and the + supers, the words "<i>Dramatis Personæ</i>" occur as an + after-thought, and underneath are the names of the Musical + Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. Well, + "W.S.G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful + performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the <i>Times</i> C.C., "had + the honour of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her + warm appreciation of the manner in which the performance was + conducted." Did R. D'OYLY think of mentioning that "the words" + were by W.S.G.? And then it is told how D'OYLY refused to take + any payment for the performance. Noble, generous-hearted, + large-minded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR COURTLY SULLIVAN's + name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this extra act of + generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir BRIAN DE + BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, + dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what + sort of a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little + episode in the more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why + not a "Carpet Knight"?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.—Last Tuesday, under + the heading of "To-day," the <i>Times</i> announced that "at + the Society of Arts Mr. J. STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, + would discourse on 'Enamelling and Damascening,' Professor H. + HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our excellent Bushian Professor + was the right man in the right place, being so interested in + theatrical matters; but, at the same time, wouldn't the lecture + on "Damascening," or "How to Dam-a-scene," have been more + suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY + JERUM in the Chair?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.—"Turn again, WHITTAKER, + First Mayor of Richmond."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/143-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-1.png" + alt="A NEW SECT." /></a> + + <h3>A NEW SECT.</h3> + + <p>"AND IS THE NEW CURATE <i>MARRIED</i>, MRS. + JENKINS?"</p> + + <p>"OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A + <i>CHALYBEATE</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9</i>.—Naval + Estimates on again. Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; + House been Counted Out on Friday; necessary for Government to + set up Supply again; formal Motion made by JACKSON; CAMERON + objects; deeply distressed to think that Government should have + fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's really shocking," + he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful homes to London + at this inclement season, to do the work of the nation. + Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; + Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being + found there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out + at half-past eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally + chucked away."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard + upon you, sternly attending to your duty whilst others + gambolled in the shade. And then to be suddenly Counted Out! + How many of you were there when the Count was made?"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/143-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-2.png" + alt="'Count' Cameron." /></a>"Count" Cameron. + </div> + + <p>"Well—er—you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost + blushing; "the fact is I wasn't there myself, though that, of + course, does not deter me from invoking censure on Ministers. + Indeed I am not sure that the circumstance doesn't place me in + a more favourable position. Outsiders, you know, see most of + game. I was outside; had, in fact, comfortably gone off to + dinner, expecting other people would stop to make House. But + they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it hot for OLD + MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here."</p> + + <p>Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. + Condemnatory Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42.</p> + + <p>House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore + HARCOURT appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, + diffusing unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. + Commodore looked very imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards + Mace, with telescope under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over + his ears, and unpolished square-toed boots rising above his + knees. A blizzard outside; snow and wind; bitterly cold; but + the Commodore soon made it hot all round. Fell upon JOKIM spars + and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly claw-hammered him," as + GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval resources for adequate + adjective. Accused him of making a speech that would have + become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; + threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by + the SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful + STRAFFORD."</p> + + <p>Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the + storm inside House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. + Nobody knew that the Commodore was close-hauled, and meant + business. Few present to witness the perturbed scene on the + Treasury Bench:—OLD MORALITY huddled up against GEORGIE + HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper into + measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the + lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining + his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference + to STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins + considerably more than six foot high, stormed and raged what + time the snow and sleet beat a wild accompaniment on the + melancholy windows.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Commodore HARCOURT goes again on + the rampage.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered + to-night. Favoured by fortune and the ballot, had secured first + place for Motion on Friendly Societies. Useful thing for coming + General Election to be <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" + id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> remembered as advocate of + cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of + Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general + voluntary provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly + dragged in the axiom that "Sound principles of provident + Insurance should be included in the subjects prescribed by + the Education Code for instruction in elementary schools." + That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded <i>à + merveille</i>.</p> + + <p>"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and + folding his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer + softness his kindly countenance, "that reminds me of old days. + Many a time have I written out in my copybook, 'Take care of + your Neighbour's Pence, and your own Pounds will Take Care of + Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it away for a Rainy + Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread'; 'A Bird in + a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps of + copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. + HOWARD VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our + elementary schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men + like me. You remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their + copy-book headings, and I don't care who makes their laws.' + HOWARD VINCENT is on the right tack; think we shall accept his + Resolution."</p> + + <p>So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had + foregone his speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, + and said, "There you are," Government would have accepted it, + and he would have had a night of triumph. But he would speak. + Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined chances of the Resolution + he recommended.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/144-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/144-1.png" + alt="Herbert Maxwell." /></a>Herbert Maxwell<br /> + Performed his task well.<br /> + <i>Anon.</i> + </div> + + <p>HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for + Government, did his work admirably. After fearful <i>fiasco</i> + with CHAPLIN last Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to + give young Ministers opportunity of distinguishing themselves. + If MAXWELL made a mull of this, following on Friday week's + catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be serious. MAXWELL won more + than negative credit of not making mistake. He delivered + excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—House Counted Out again.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—An Irish night at last, Quite a long + time since we talked of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess + that Ireland was to the fore by looking at the Irish quarter. + Usual when Prince ARTHUR is on his feet expounding and + defending his policy for Irish camp to be bristling with + contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there, + including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't + turned up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new + Manifesto. Towards midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the + quietude, observed that he didn't believe there was a single + Irish Member present. Whereupon NOLAN, waking from sleep, under + shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted out, "What?" TANNER, + just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince ARTHUR, and the + conversation terminated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/144-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/144-2.png" + alt="Mr. Swift McNeill 'prating.'" /></a>Mr. Swift + McNeill "prating." + </div> + + <p>Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under + discussion is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. + Prince ARTHUR asks for £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do + for Irish Members to obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote + moved by Chief Secretary. If they were there, they might be + expected to say, "Thank you;" so they stay away, one or two + just looking in to contradict T.W. RUSSELL—"Roaring" + RUSSELL, SARK calls him—when he gave an account of what + he saw during a recent visit to Ireland.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Relief voted for Irish + Distress.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Lo! a strange thing happened. + Fell asleep just now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no + one outside House can comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar + voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince ARTHUR, I heard him complain; + something about Ground-rents in London. Not, quite his subject; + voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury Bench. But no + mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to think + of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern + Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother + GERALD, opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think + I'll go to sleep again.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Slept.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent + to destroy the Bacillus.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never + cease:</p> + + <p>Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in + peace.</p> + + <p>I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my + newly-wedded bride,</p> + + <p>And exposed—it's really shameless—on a + microscopic slide.</p> + + <p>Sure some philbacillic person a Society should + start</p> + + <p>For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful + art.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>KOCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came + squirming in.</p> + + <p>But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a + single pin.</p> + + <p>We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us + roam,</p> + + <p>But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from + your home,</p> + + <p>And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we + had rest,</p> + + <p>When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his + tortured breast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is + to flood</p> + + <p>All the circulation freely with injections of goat's + blood,</p> + + <p>That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem + to hurt,</p> + + <p>Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic + squirt;</p> + + <p>Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be + revenge most sweet</p> + + <p>If the patients take to butting every single soul + they meet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared + that we shall die</p> + + <p>Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish + fly.</p> + + <p>We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll + live at ease,</p> + + <p>With his system impregnated with that vile + cantharides?</p> + + <p>We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal + strife,</p> + + <p>But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out + of life.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these + indignities endure,</p> + + <p>Although every week brings news of an indubitable + cure;</p> + + <p>We have lived and flourished freely ever since the + world began,</p> + + <p>And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of + man;</p> + + <p>While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to + my song,</p> + + <p>That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply + live as long.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BLONDEL UP TO DATE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Fragment from a History of the Future.</i>)</h4> + + <p>And so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, + no one knew whither. His followers, saving one, treated the + matter very calmly. The exception, who was supposed to be + wanting in his wits (he played on the barrel-organ), determined + to do his best to rescue his Royal Master; and an idea occurred + to him. He had noticed that when he performed on his musical + instrument those who, perforce, were obliged to listen to him + acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, others had + shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. Only + once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as if + he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently + ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone + deaf. So he argued that if his music had so great an effect + upon the population of his native village it would work marvels + in the wide world without. And thus, with a heart full of hope + and courage, he started on his travels.</p> + + <p>He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a + weary mile. He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the + people put their heads out of their windows, and urged him + imperiously to be gone; and as he hurried away he gazed at + their faces, hoping to have seen the King, his Master, but + without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to hear his + music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring + rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his + search was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it + as silent as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, + not even a hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a + policeman the meaning of this strange, this unlooked-for + quietude!</p> + + <p>"Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, + surlily, "and I will soon show you!"</p> + + <p>BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested.</p> + + <p>"What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the + provisions of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!"</p> + + <p>And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to + prison!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13269 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13269-h/images/133.png b/13269-h/images/133.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8dd4585 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/133.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/134.png b/13269-h/images/134.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..928a3fe --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/134.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/135.png b/13269-h/images/135.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..95aec31 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/135.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/136.png b/13269-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c960d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/136.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/137.png b/13269-h/images/137.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3a4018 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/137.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/138.png b/13269-h/images/138.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..72dca34 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/138.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/139.png b/13269-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c337cfe --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/139.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/141-1.png b/13269-h/images/141-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d14ddc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/141-1.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/141-2.png b/13269-h/images/141-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad4584f --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/141-2.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/142.png b/13269-h/images/142.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..27e9ad1 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/142.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/143-1.png b/13269-h/images/143-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7b8f50 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/143-1.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/143-2.png b/13269-h/images/143-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8b9317 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/143-2.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/144-1.png b/13269-h/images/144-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9eab8cb --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/144-1.png diff --git a/13269-h/images/144-2.png b/13269-h/images/144-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aef8184 --- /dev/null +++ b/13269-h/images/144-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6b8666 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13269 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13269) diff --git a/old/13269-8.txt b/old/13269-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f8b0a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13269-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1740 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +March 21, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 21, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13269] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 21, 1891. + + + + +MY LADY. + + She is not fair to outward view + As many maidens be; + (And into _such_ a rage she flew + On learning this from me;) + And yet she's lovely, nay divine, + Judged by her own peculiar line. + + She's deeply read. She knows as much + As average sixth-form boys; + But not the greatest sage could touch + The high, aggressive joys + That imp her wing, like bird of prey, + When in my dates I go astray. + + Not only learning's pure serene + Her soaring mind can charm; + The tradesman, shrinking from a scene, + Regards her with alarm, + And many a 'bus conductor owns + The pow'r of her metallic tones. + + Contentiously content, she takes + Her strident way through life, + And goodness only knows what makes + Her choose to be my wife. + Courage, poor heart! Thy yearnings stifle. + She's not a girl with whom to trifle. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE. + +I. + +[Illustration] + +Instead of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as proposed, +why not a Sub-Serpentine Line? Start it from the South Kensington +Station, District-cum-Metropolitan system, run it with one station +well-underground in the middle of Exhibition Road, whence an easy +ascent to the Imperial Exhibition, when passengers would come up to +"carp the vital airs," then right away again, branching off left +and right, thus bringing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy +communication, at all reasonable hours, and at reasonable prices, +with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, East and West. +If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at all--and, not being sacred +groves, there is no reason why they should not be, _faute de mieux_--a +transverse tunnelling from Kensington High Street to Queen's Road +would do the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our +power, and are,--Yours truly, + +WILL HONEYCOMB, MOLE, FERRET & CO., + +(_Burrow-Knights_.) + +II. + +O sir,--Pleese don't let us ave no nasty railwaies and tunels in +Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and the childern +can play about, an no danger from nothink sep dogs, wich is mosley +musseled, or led with a string, an we ain't trubbled about them, an +can ave a word to say to a frend, or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner +the treeses, so nice an quite, wich it wold not be wen disterbd by +ingins, an smoke, skreeges, an steem-wizzels. O, _Mr. P._, don't let +um do it. + +Yours obeegentlee, SARA JANE, (_Unner Nursrymade_.) + +III. + +Sir,--The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't be noticed +if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No blow-holes, of +course. No disfigurement. Take it under the centre path, _where there +are no trees_, then turn to the left outside the gate and burrow away +to S. Kensington Station. I can then get across the park in three +minutes for a penny; and now I have to walk, for which I haven't the +time, or take a cab, for which I haven't the money. + +Yours, A PRACTICAL PAUPER. + +IV. + +Sir,--I take this opportunity of pointing out that if anything at +all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, _why not make a real good +Rotten Row there?_ That would he a blessing and a convenience. We're +all so sick and tired of that squirrel-in-a-cage ride, round and round +Hyde Park, and that half-and-half affair in St. James's Park. No, Sir; +now's the time, and now's the hour. There's plenty of space for all +equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights of +nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of lovers too. +For my part, if this is not put forward as an alternative scheme, I +shall vote for tunnelling under the Gardens out of simple cussedness. +If the reply, authoritatively given, be that the two schemes can go +and must go together, then I will vote for both, only let's have the +equestrian arrangement first. + +Yours, JOLTIN TROTT, + +_Mount, Street, W, Captain 1st Lights and Liver Brigade_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE. + +"After all, the best of KEENE's life-work is to be found in the +innumerable cuts which he contributed to _Punch_ during a period of +nearly forty years; and still more in the originals of these, the +masterly pen-and-ink drawings which are now for the first time shown +in a collected form to the Public." + +So says Mr. CLAUDE PHILLIPS, in his "Prefatory Note," to the +"Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late CHARLES KEENE," now +on view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond Street. + +If the British Public possess that "taste for Art" and that "sense of +humour" which some claim for and others deny to it, it (the B.P.) will +throng the comfortable and well-lighted Gallery in New Bond Street, +where hang some hundreds of specimens of the later work of the most +unaffected humorist, and most masterly "Black-and-White" artist of +his time. Walk up, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see--such miracles of +delineation, such witcheries of effect, as were never before put on +paper by simple pen-and-ink! + +It is difficult to realise sometimes that it _is_ pen and ink, and +that only--all the delightful display of fresh English landscape and +unsophisticated British humanity, teeming with effects of distance, +hints of atmosphere, and suggestions of colour. Many a much-belauded +brush is but a fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with +the ink-charged crowquill handled by CHARLES KEENE. Look at +"_Grandiloquence_!" (No. 220) There's composition! There's effect! +Stretch of sea, schooner, PAT's petty craft, grandiloquent PAT +himself, a nautical Colossus astride on his own cock-boat, with stable +sea-legs firmly dispread, the swirl of the sea, the swish of the +waves, the very whiff of the wind so vividly suggested!--and all in +some few square inches of "Black-and-White!" + +Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of humorous +characterisation, the strong charm of _technique_, the colour, the +action, the marvellous ease and accuracy of street perspective in No. +16 ("_The Penny Toy!_"). Action? Why, you can _see_ the old lady jump, +let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame's foot, and +you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the "horrid reptile." + +Or at that vivid bit of London "hoarding," and London low life, and +London street-distance in "_'Andicapped!_" (No. 25.) Good as is the +"gaol-bird," is not the wonderfully real "hoarding" almost better? + +Who now can draw--or, for that matter, _paint_--such a shopkeeper, +_such_ a shop, _such_ a child customer as those in "_All Alive!_" (No. +41), where the _Little Girl_ a-tip-toe with a wedge of cheap "Cheddar" +at the counter, comes down upon him of the apron with the crusher, +"Oh, mother's sent back this piece o' cheese, 'cause father says if +he wants any bait when he's goin' a fishin', he can dig 'em up in our +garden!" + +Are _you_ a fisherman, reader? Then will you feel your angling as well +as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 ("_The Old Adam_") and No. +6 ("_Wet and Dry_"), the former especially! What water, what Scotch +boys, _what_ a "prencipled" (but piscatorial) "Meenister"! Don't _you_ +feel your elbow twitch? Don't _you_ want to snatch the rod from SANDY +McDOUGAL's hand, and land that "fush" yourself, Sawbath or no Sawbath? + +But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and _purchase_ +them all! A KEENE drawing, almost _any_ KEENE drawing, is "a thing of +beauty and a joy for ever" to everyone who has an eye for admirable +art and adorable drollery. And good as is the _fun_ of these drawings, +the graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, +and buoyancy, and breeziness, and masterly ease, and miraculous +open-airiness, and general delightfulness of them, are yet more marked +and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their merits. An +essay might be penned on any one of them--but fate forbid it _should_ +be, unless a sort of artistic CHARLES LAMB could take the task in +hand. Better far go again to New Bond Street and pass another happy +hour or two with the ruddy rustics and 'cute cockneys, the Scotch +elders and Anglican curates, the stodgy "Old Gents" and broad-backed, +bunchy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, +and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and +chatty 'bus-drivers, the "festive" diners-out and wary waiters, the +Volunteers and _vauriens_, the Artists and 'Arries, the policemen +and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street scenes, and the equally +inimitable lanes, coppices, turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades +and snowbound country roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and--for +his comrades and the Public alike--all-too-soon-departed CHARLES +KEENE! + +Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work, of even that part +of it exhibited here, _could_ be written within brief compass, even +by the most appreciative, admiring, and art-loving of his sorrowing +friends or colleagues. Let the British Public go to New Bond Street, +and see for itself, in the very hand-work of this great artist, what +he made manifest during so many years in the pages of _Punch_, namely, +the supreme triumph of "Black-and-White" in the achievements of its +greatest master. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KING STORK AND KING LOG. + +AN OLD FABLE REVERSED.] + + The Frogs, who lived a free and easy life + (As in the ancient fable) + Though not quite clear from internecine strife, + Fancied they were well able + To do _without_ a King. Batrachian wisdom + Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom, + And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and corals, + As ask a "King who might inspect their morals" + From Jupiter. Then 'twas _Juventus Mundi_; + The true King-maker now is--Mrs. GRUNDY, + And _she_ insisted that our modern Frogs + Should have a King--the woodenest of King Logs. + At first this terrified our Frogs exceedingly, + And, sometimes passionately, sometimes pleadingly, + They grumbled and protested; + But finding soon how placidly Log rested + Prone in the pool with mighty little motion, + Of danger they abandoned the wild notion, + Finding it easy for a Frog to jog + On with a kind King Log. + But in the fulness of the time, there came + A would-be monarch--Legion his fit name; + A Plebs-appointed Autocrat, Stork-throated, + Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated; + A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature, + A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief feature. + This new King Stork, + With a fierce, fussy appetite for work; + Not satisfied with fixing like a vice + Authority on Town and Country Mice, + Tried to extend his sway to pools and bogs, + And rule the Frogs! + But modern Frogdom, which had champions able, + Had read old-Æsop's fable, + And of King Stork's appearance far from amorous, + Croaked forth a chorus clamorous + Of resonant rebellion. These, upreared + On angry legs, waved arms that nothing feared; + King Log defending. Great CRAUGASIDES, + Among batrachian heroes first with ease, + With ventriloquial vehemence defied + The long-beaked base usurper. At his side + His fond companion, PHYSIGNATHUS swelled + Cheeks humorously defiant; + The ruddy giant + CRAMBOPHAGUS, as tall as is a Tree, + Flouted King Stork with gestures fierce and free, + Sleek CALAMINTHIUS, aper deft of eld, + Against the foe a pungent dart impelled; + HYDROCHARIS too, + (Most Terryble to view), + Fared to the front, whilst smaller, yet as brave + Tiny batrachian brethren, dusk of hue, + PRASSOPHAGUS, PRASSOEUS, staunch and true, + Webbed hands did wildly wave + With the frog-host against the beaky bird-- + "_He_ be our King?" they loudly cried. + "Absurd! + + Not Mercury, nor Jupiter _we_ beg + For a devouring despot, lank of leg, + Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak; + Though singly we seem weak, + United we are strong to smite or scoff. + Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!" + + * * * * * + +CHURCH AND STAGE.--Let no rabid Churchmen, of any school of thought, +ever again take exception to the irreligious character of playhouse +entertainments. Let them read the advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre +in _The Times_ for March 13:--"During Holy Week this theatre will be +closed, re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with _The Bells_, which +will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any arrangement +be more thoroughly in harmony with general ecclesiastical practice? +Any liturgical student knows that the bells are played once on Holy +Saturday, and that they should be played on Easter Monday is a matter +of course. + + * * * * * + +TRACKS FOR THE TIMES. + + [A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a right + to interfere with the growing practice of using the public + roads of the Metropolis at night-time as running-grounds for + athletes.] + + I come from haunts of smoke and grime, + I start in some blind alley, + And race each night against Old Time + Enthusiastically! + + I dodge past frightened City gents, + And sometimes send them flying, + Which makes them cherish sentiments + Not wholly edifying. + + I wind about, and in and out, + Along the crowded pavement, + While here and there the mockers flout + My costume and behavement. + + I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee + Amid the teeming traffic, + And drivers often use to me + Idioms extremely graphic. + + I murmur when a Lawyer's view + Absurdly tries to hinder + My turning public roads into + A private path of cinder. + + Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert, + Shall be my one endeavour; + For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear, + But I run on for ever! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLIZZARD. + +MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE TOO!), MARCH 9, +1891. + +(_10 to 1 Nobody turns up._)] + + * * * * * + +A DIARY OF DOVER. + +_March, 1891_.--Fearful storm in the Channel, when the _Victoria_ +is all but lost. Proposals in all the newspapers for the immediate +commencement of an adequate harbour. + +_April, 1892_.--Hurricane in the Channel, when seventeen ships are +lost, and the Club Train Boat (without passengers) is carried, high +and dry, as far as Amiens, by the force of the weather. Renewed +suggestions for the immediate building of an adequate harbour. + +_May, 1893_.--Cyclone in the Channel, in which the British Fleet +disappears. The newspapers once more urge the immediate commencement +of the proposed adequate harbour. + +_June, 1894_.--Disaster in the Channel. Every single vessel swamped, +owing to the terrific weather. Again the Press invites commencement of +an adequate harbour. + +_July, 1895_.--Members of both Houses of Parliament, invited to take +part in a State function at Calais, having been put to considerable +inconvenience, immediate orders are given for the prompt commencement +of the much-needed adequate harbour at Dover. + +_August, 19--_.--Proposed adequate harbour having employed the hands, +night and day, of thousands of workmen, at enormous expense (owing to +urgent pressure), is at length opened to the public, amidst universal +rejoicing. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM. + +ACT I. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershölm, with a stove, flower-stand, + windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, and everything + handsome about it, REBECCA WEST is sitting knitting a large + antimacassar which is nearly finished. Now and then she looks + out of a window, and smiles and nods expectantly to someone + outside. Madam HELSETH is laying the table for supper._ + +_Rebecca_ (_folding up her work slowly_). But tell me precisely, what +about this White Horse? [_Smiling quietly._ + +_Madam Helseth_. Lord forgive you, Miss!--(_fetching cruet-stand, and +placing it on table_)--but you're making fun of me! + +_Rebecca_ (_gravely_). No, indeed. Nobody makes fun at Rosmershölm. +Mr. ROSMER would not understand it. (_Shutting window._) Ah, here is +Rector KROLL. (_Opening door_.) You will stay to supper, will you not, +Rector, and I will tell them to give us some little extra dish. + +_Kroll_ (_hanging up his hat in the hall_). Many thanks. (_Wipes his +boots._) May I come in? (_Comes in, puts down his stick, sits down, +and looks about him._) And how do you and ROSMER get on together, eh? + +_Reb._ Ever since your sister, BEATA, went mad and jumped into the +mill-race, we have been as happy as two little birds together. (_After +a pause, sitting down in arm-chair._) So you don't really mind my +living here all alone with ROSMER? We were afraid you might, perhaps. + +_Kroll_. Why, how on earth--on the contrary, I shouldn't object at all +if you--(_looks at her meaningly_)--h'm! + +_Reb._ (_interrupting, gravely_). For shame, Rector; how can you make +such jokes! + +_Kroll_ (_as if surprised_). Jokes? We do not joke in these parts--but +here is ROSMER. + +[Illustration: "Taking off his gloves meaningly."] + + [_Enter ROSMER, gently and softly._ + +_Rosmer_. So, my dear old friend, you have come again, after a year's +absence. (_Sits down._) We almost thought that-- + +_Kroll_ (_nods_). So Miss WEST was saying--but you are quite mistaken. +I merely thought I might remind you, if I came, of our poor BEATA's +suicide, so I kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple +tact. + +_Rosmer_. It was considerate--but unnecessary. REB--I _mean_, Miss +WEST and I often allude to the incident, do we not? + +_Reb._ (_strikes Tändstickor_). Oh, yes, indeed. (_Lighting lamp_.) +Whenever we feel a little more cheerful than usual. + +_Kroll_. You dear good people! (_Wanders up the room._) I came because +the Spirit of Revolt has crept into my School. A Secret Society +has existed for weeks in the Lower Third! To-day it has come to my +knowledge that a booby-trap was prepared for me by the hand of my own +son, LAURITS, and I then discovered that a hair has been inserted in +my cane by my daughter HILDA! The only way in which a right-minded +Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is to +start a newspaper, and I thought that you, as a weak, credulous, +inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were the very person to +be the Editor. + + [_REB. laughs softly, as if to herself. ROSMER jumps up and + sits down again._ + +_Reb._ (_with a look at Rosmer_). Tell him now! + +_Rosmer_ (_returning the look_). I can't--some other evening. Well, +perhaps-- (_To KROLL._) I can't be your Editor--because (_in a low +voice_) I--I am on the side of LAURITS and HILDA! + +_Kroll_ (_looks from one to the other, gloomily_). H'm! + +_Rosmer_. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my views. I am going +to create a new democracy, and awaken it to its true task of making +all the people of this country noblemen, by freeing their wills, and +purifying their minds! + +_Kroll_. What _do_ you mean? [_Takes up his hat._ + +_Rosmer_ (_bowing his head_). I don't quite know, my dear friend; it +was REB--I should say. Miss WEST's scheme. + +_Kroll_. H'm! (_A suspicion appears in his face._) Now I begin to +believe that what BEATA said about schemes--no matter. But, under the +circumstances, I will _not_ stay to supper. + + [_Takes up his stick, and walks out._ + +_Rosmer_. I _told_ you he would be annoyed, I shall go to bed now. I +don't want any supper. [_He lights a candle, and goes out; presently +his footsteps are heard overhead, as he undresses. REBECCA pulls a +bell-rope._ + +_Reb._ (_to Madam HELSETH, who enters with dishes_). No, Mr. ROSMER +will not have supper to-night. (_In a lighter tone._) Perhaps he is +afraid of the nightmare. There are so many sorts of White Horses in +this world! + +_Mad. H._ (_shaking_). Lord! lord! that Miss WEST--the things she does +say! [_REB. goes out through door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, +as Curtain falls._ + +ACT II. + + ROSMER's _study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a + writing-table. Door, with curtain, leading to ROSMER's + bedroom. ROSMER discovered in a smoking-jacket cutting + a pamphlet with a paper-knife. There is a knock at the + door. ROSMER says, "Come in." REBECCA enters in a morning + wrapper and curl-papers. She sits on a chair close to ROSMER, + and looks over his shoulder as he cuts the leaves. Rector + KROLL is shown up._ + +_Kroll_ (_lays his hat on the table and looks at REB. from head to +foot_). I am really afraid that I am in the way. + +_Reb._ (_surprised_). Because I am in my morning wrapper and +curl-papers? You forget that I am _emancipated_, Rector KROLL. + + [_She leaves them and listens behind curtain in ROSMER's + bedroom._ + +_Rosmer_. Yes, Miss WEST and I have worked our way forward in faithful +comradeship. + +_Kroll_ (_shakes his head at him slowly_). So I perceive. Miss WEST +is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I say, _really_ you know-- +However, I came to tell you that poor BEATA was not so mad as she +looked, though flowers _did_ bewilder her so. (_Taking off his gloves +meaningly._) She jumped into the mill-race because she had an idea +that you ought to marry Miss WEST! + +_Rosmer_ (_jumps half up from his chair_). I? Marry--Miss WEST! +my good gracious, KROLL! I don't _understand_, it is _most_ +incomprehensible. (_Looks fixedly before him_.) How _can_ people-- +(_looks at him for a moment, then rises._) Will you get out? (_Still +quiet and self-restrained._) But first tell me why you never mentioned +this before? + +_Kroll_. Why? Because I thought you were both orthodox, which made all +the difference. Now I know that you side with LAURITS and HILDA, and +mean to make the democracy into noblemen, and accordingly I intend to +make it hot for you in my paper. _Good_ morning! [_He slams the door +with spite as_ REBECCA _enters from bed-room._ + +_Rosmer_ (_as if surprised_). You--in my bedroom! You have been +listening, dear? But you _are_ so emancipated. Ah, well! so our pure +and beautiful friendship has been misinterpreted, bespattered! Just +because you wear a morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for +a year, people with coarse souls and ignoble eyes make unpleasant +remarks! But what really _did_ drive BEATA mad? _Why_ did she jump +into the mill-race? I'm sure we did everything we could to spare her! +I made it the business of my life to keep her in ignorance of all our +interests--_didn't_ I, now? + +_Reb._ You did--but why brood over it? What _does_ it matter? Get on +with your great, beautiful task, dear, (_approaching him cautiously +from behind_), winning over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, +you know--_joyful_ noblemen! + +_Rosmer_ (_walking about, restlessly, as if in thought_). Yes, I +know. I have never laughed in the whole course of my life--we ROSMERS +don't--and so I felt that spreading gladness and light, and making +the democracy joyful, was properly my mission. But _now_--I feel too +upset to go on, REBECCA, unless-- (_Shakes his head heavily._) Yes, an +idea has just occurred to me--(_looks at her, and then runs his hands +through his hair_)--oh, my goodness, no--I _can't_. + + [_He leans his elbows on table._ + +_Reb._ Be a free man to the full, ROSMER--tell me your idea. + +_Rosmer_ (_gloomily_). I don't know what you'll say to it. It's this. +Our platonic comradeship was all very well while I was peaceful and +happy. Now that I'm bothered and badgered, I feel--_why_, I can't +exactly explain, but I _do_ feel that I must oppose a new and living +reality to the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, +explain that this is equivalent to an Ibsenian proposal. + +_Reb._ (_catches at the chairback with joy_). How? at _last_--a rise +at last! (_Recollects herself._) But what am I about? Am I not an +emancipated enigma? (_Puts her hands over her ears as if in terror._) +What are you saying? You mustn't. I can't _think_ what you mean. Go +away, do! + +_Rosmer_ (_softly_). Be the new and living reality. It is the only way +to put BEATA out of the Saga. Shall we try it? + +_Reb._ Never! Do not--_do_ not ask me why--for I haven't a notion--but +never! (_Nods slowly to him and rises._) White Horses would not induce +me! (_With her hand on door-handle._) Now you _know_! [_She goes out._ + +_Rosmer_ (_sits up, stares thunderstruck at the stove, and says to +himself_). Well--I--_am_-- [_Quick Curtain._ + + [The remaining two Acts of this subtle psychological study + unavoidably held over.] + + * * * * * + +"KEEP YOUR HARE ON!" + +[Illustration: Hare's Theatre.] + +In not following the advice given in the headline to this article, +clever Mr. PINERO has made a mistake. _Lady Bountiful_ with only a +very little HARE is a disappointment. The majority of those who go to +"Hare's Theatre" (they don't speak of it as "The Garrick") go to see +the Lessee and Manager in a new part: and they go to see a lot of him: +they don't ask merely for a small piece of HARE, if you please, though +they might be satisfied with HARE in a small piece. Everyone goes +expecting to see him in a good part in a good Comedy, his good part +being equal to the better part of the whole entertainment; and if they +don't so see him, they are disappointed. Why was Mr. GRUNDY's happy +translation of _Les Oiseaux_ peculiarly successful? because it was +a light, fresh, and pretty piece, wherein the occasional phrase in +a minor key was so artistically introduced as to be a relish to our +enjoyment of the humour of the characters and of the situations; but +all this would have gone for comparatively little had it not been +for the excellence of Mr. HARE's rendering of the first-rate part +of _Goldfinch_, which did not consist of occasional flashes, only to +collapse and disappear in the penultimate Act, but continued right +through to the end, dominating everything and everybody. This is not +so with _Lady Bountiful_. The appearance of _Roderick Heron_, who is +no creation of the Author's, as he admits, but merely _Mr. Skimpole_ +under another name, raises hopes at the commencement, which are +blighted long before the finish. The part gutters out, as does Mr. +CHARLES GROVE's _John Veale_, another "promise of spring." Young Mr. +GILBERT HARE makes a most creditable first appearance as _Sir Lucian +Brent, Bart_. He is easy and natural. + +For the greater part of the educated audience, it might have been +more useful if _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, had gone about with an +old Eton Latin Grammar in his pocket, instead of a _Horace_; and if +Miss KATE RORKE had divided with him the quotation, "_Nemo mortalium +omnibus horis sapit._" He, being rejected, might have commenced, +"_Nemo mortalium_," and she might have continued, "_omnibus horis_;" +then, both together, "_sapit_." Or when she had snubbed him, he +might have made some telling remark about "_Verbum personale_," and +so forth. The introduction of a quotation from _Horace_ is likely +rather to be resented than appreciated by the victims of a superior +education. What a bad quarter of an hour or so Paterfamilias will have +when Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from +_Horace_! Poor Pater will pretend not to have "quite caught them;" or +"not been attending;" but to himself he will own how entirely he has +forgotten his Latin, and perhaps he will make a good resolution to +himself to "look up his _Horace_ again." Then the learned young lady +will be asked by her Mamma, or by her sharp young bothering sister, +"what that Latin means," and though she might be able to construe +it when she sees it, to translate it offhand at one hearing is a +difficulty, and she will evade the question by saying, "Please, don't +talk! I want to listen to the piece." + +The youth in the Stalls, fresh from college or school, will be about +as much equal to the translation offhand as is young _Sir Lucian +Brent_ when asked by Mr. CATHCART to give the meaning of the Latin on +the ancient brasses in the old church, and they won't thank you for +bringing school studies into playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained +by this Dr. Panglossian introduction of Latin quotation; it doesn't +help the action, nor emphasise a character, nor does it strengthen a +situation, to bring in even the most appropriate lines which are not +"in a language understanded of the people." _Sir Richard Philliter, +Q.C._, might be known in private life to his friends as Sir HORACE +DAVUS (_Non Oedipus_). Mr. CATHCART's _Pedgrift_, parish clerk and +sexton, is an excellent little character-sketch, as is also that of +_Mrs. Hornutt_, the pew-opener. + +As for Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and Miss KATE RORKE, they seemed to me to +be what the author had made them--i.e., stagey. Miss DOLORES DRUMMOND, +as _Mrs. Veale_, is very good, and Miss MARIE LINDEN, except in one +stagey bit in the Third Act, plays with great care and judgment. +The interior of the old country church (Act III.) is a masterpiece +of scenic art and stage arrangement,--a perfect picture by Mr. +W. HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the _dénoûment_ of the +interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me of a pictorial +heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette or _The London +Journal_. It is a very weak finish, and not strengthened or improved +in any way by the line _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, has to say, +on which the Curtain descends. And what does everybody exclaim +afterwards? Simply, "Why there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We +thought we should see him again, and that he would come out all +right at last." That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their +favourite first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, +unless the character be exceptionally amusing. _Lady Bountiful_ might +be termed "A bald piece," because it has so little HARE. + + * * * * * + +THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE! + +(_WHEN NO DOUBT IT WILL BE CONDUCTED ON STRICTLY SCIENTIFIC +PRINCIPLES._) + +The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event in the +Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored at Putney. +Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training _mufti_, which +contrasted strongly with the garb of the sixteenth--a complete suit +of flannels. "To quote our ancestors--'Why this thusness?'" asked the +Camford Stroke, as he recognised one of his own men in this strange +apparel. + +"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to pull in +tweeds?" + +"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of the +Oxbridge Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the matter in a +more satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in the Nineties to +race in real earnest, but now that we have reached the Twentieth +Century our civilisation teaches something better." + +"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we had +better get at once to business. Who has the sworn information of our +respective coaches?" + +"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating Clubs; "and, +if you will allow me, I will produce them--or rather _it_, for the +coaches have affirmed jointly." + +All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on his +spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, and read as +follows:-- + +"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has an +advantage over Camford, which is only lessened, and certainly not +entirely removed, by the better training of the latter. Moreover, +the steering of the Oxbridge coxwain is infinitely preferable to the +steering of his rival. The times of the various trials, too, have in +every instance given a distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they +have a better boat. So, given fine weather, the result is a foregone +conclusion. Oxbridge must win, although no doubt Camford would make a +good fight for it, and come in a respectable second." + +"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the Camford +Stroke, with rather a forced laugh. + +"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In a company +of gentlemen like those present, accidents always _are_ barred!" + +"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose our +committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest Double First +have considered what I may call the atmospheric conditions under which +the race would have taken place?" + +"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all unfavourable to the +success of Camford," was the ready reply. + +"Then I think we have but one more thing to do--to give three hearty +cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge Stroke, and a minute +later the rafters rang with loud applause. + +"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the gentleman in +flannels--he was a Freshman--a little later. "Surely that would have +been more satisfactory." + +"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival of the +fittest!" and his answer afforded general satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +SHELLEY REVISED. + + Most rhyming men + Are cradled into poetry by fashion, + And learn as formula what they print as passion. + + * * * * * + +_The Development of Africa_, by A.S. WHITE, is advertised. This +is White on Black, and no player in hand. It should be immediately +followed by _Black on White, or Who takes the Pool?_ Exciting match, +with one life each. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED. + +_Jones_. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN _MY_ HAT, AND LEFT THIS +FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD THING INSTEAD!" + +_Brown_. "A--I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT _THAT_ HAPPENS TO BE _MY_ HAT!"] + + * * * * * + +KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +_HEAD GROOM B-LF-R LOQ._:-- + + Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or blunder, + Gov's fondness for _Tithe_, or bad weather, or what, + You're kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and able + To lead the whole field and to win by a lot. + A hunter I never bestrode half as clever! + _Tithe_? Pooh! _He_'s not in it, my beauty, with you. + You've breed, style, and mettle, and look in rare fettle. + If _I_ had to settle, you know what _I_'d do! + + These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders + Save them: as if gent ever made A 1 jock! + Ah! ADAM L. GORDON,[1] poor chap, had a word on + Such matters. I'll warrant _he_ sat like a rock, + And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it _is_ hard + To eat off your head in the stable like this. + Too long you have idled; but wait till you're bridled! + _The_ hunt of the season I swear you won't miss, + + It has been hard weather, although, beauty, whether + 'Tis that altogether your chance that postponed, + Or whether Boss SOLLY committed a folly-- + No matter! A comelier crack he ne'er owned, + Although 'tis I say it who shouldn't. The way it + Has snowed and has frozen may be his excuse; + But when you're once started, deer-limbed, lion-hearted, + I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the deuce. + + "A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and wiry, + A loin rather light, but a shoulder superb," + That's GORDON's description of _Iseult_. (All whip shun + When riding such rattlers, and trust to the curb.) + That mare was your sort, lad. I guess there'll be sport, lad, + When _you_ make strong running, and near the last jump. + And you, when extended, look "bloodlike and splendid." + Ah! poor LINDSAY GORDON was sportsman and trump. + + I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle + Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in you then: + There's howling "HISTORICUS,"--he's but a sorry cuss! + WEG, too, that grandest of all grand old men; + He's ridden some races; of chances and paces, + Of crocks _versus_ cracks he did ought to be judge. + He sees you are speedy; when MORLEY sneers "Weedy," + Or LAB doubts your staying, WEG knows it's all fudge! + + We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, lad; + Though we're frost-bound now, open weather must come, + At least after Easter; and, beauty, _when_ we stir. + And forge to the front, lad, we'll just make things hum. + In spite of much ruction concerning Obstruction, + I wish--_in a whisper_--we'd started before, + And, forcing the running, discarding all cunning, + Romped in--_as we will_--'midst a general roar! + +[Footnote 1: ADAM LINDSAY GORDON, the ardent, horse-loving Australian +poet.] + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY. + +_Ghosts_ at the Royalty. "Alas, poor Ghosts!" A shady piece. "No money +taken at the doors" on this occasion, which is making a virtue of +necessity. This being the case, _Ghosts_ was, and if played again +will, be witnessed by an audience mainly composed of "Deadheads." +Lively this. The Critics have spoken out strongly, and those +interested in this Ibsenity should read the criticisms presumably by +Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT in _The Telegraph_ and Mr. MOY THOMAS in _The Daily +News_. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true, and just in all +their dealings with this Ibsenian craze. + + * * * * * + +"Les Oiseaux."--Mrs. RAM says she pities any unfortunate man whose +wife has a fearful temper. She knows one such husband who quite quails +before his wife, "and I'm not surprised," adds Mrs. R., "for I know +her, and she's a regular ptarmigan." + + * * * * * + +The Coming Census.--CARLYLE said, "The population of the British +Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly fools." Will the Census +be taken on the First of April? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +HEAD GROOM. "AH, MY BEAUTY!--YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET--BUT WE +SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER _AFTER EASTER_!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron can highly recommend _The Wages of Sin_, by LUCAS MALET. "I +am informed," says the B. DE B.-W., "that this is the _nom de plume_ +of an Authoress. This MALET should be Femalet." Be this as it may, the +Baron, who is discretion itself, will not attempt to penetrate beyond +the veil. Some of the writing is a bit tall; but thank heaven, my old +æsthetic friend, "O-the-pity-of-it" occurs only once; and O the pity +of it when he does so, and gives a "MAUDLE and POSTLETHWAITE" tone to +the passage in question. What does "huffle" mean? (Vol. III., p. 82.) +Genius has a right to create words; and when Genius does so, the very +sound of the word conveys its meaning with and frequently without the +context. "But I'm huffled," says the Baron, "if I understand it here." +Still "huffled" is a good-substitute for strong language, when you're +ruffled. Don't let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow +pace of Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish +mean cuss is the "hero," so to style him; and personally, the Baron +would consider him in Society as a first-class artistic bore. The +character is drawn with great skill, as are they all. The description +of _Mrs. Crookendon's_ after-dinner party is as life-like as if it +were a well-staged scene in a well-written and well-cast Drama. + +"I have been dipping into _Country House Sketches_, by C.C. RHYS," +says the Baron, "and have come to the conclusion that if the author, +youthful I fancy, would give himself time, and have the patience to +'follow my LEVER,' the result would be a _Jack Hinton Junior_, with +a smack of _Soapey Sponge_ in it." The short stories are all, more or +less, good, and would be still better but for a certain cocksureness +about them which savours of the man in a country house who will insist +on telling you a series of good stories about himself, one after the +other, until the guests in the smoking-room, in sheer despair of ever +getting their turn of talking about themselves, or of turning on +the tap of their own good stories, light their candles, yawn, and go +pensively to bed. + +My "Faithful Co." informs me that he has been reading some very +excellent _Sketches of England_, by a "Foreign Artist," and a "Foreign +Author." The latter is no less a person than the genial representative +of the _Journal des Débats_ in London, Mons. P. VILLARS. My "Co." +says that, take it all round, this is one of the best books upon _La +Perfide Albion_ he has ever read. Both scribe and illustrator are +evidently fond of the "Foreigners" they find in the British Isles. +Mons. VILLARS, however, makes one startling assertion, which has taken +my "Co," by surprise. The "Foreign Author" declares that "laughter +never struck his ears." Now our Monsieur is an admirable _raconteur_, +and if he ever told one of his capital stories to an Englishman of +average intelligence, he _must_ have heard laughter. He has also read +a rather strange work called, _What will Mrs. Grundy say?_ My "Co." +declares that, considering its subject, the book, which is not without +merit, might be recommended as a disciplinary exercise during Lent. + +Says "Co. Junior," to the Baron, "Sir, I've just come across AUSTIN +DOBSON and his _Four Frenchwomen_." "Hold!" cries the Baron, frowning. +"No scandal." "Nay, Sir," quoth "Co. Junior," nervously. "'tis but +the title of a book." "That is another thing," says the Baron, waving +his hand, "proceed!" "It is about Mlle. DE CORDAY, Madame ROLAND, +the Princesse DE LAMBALLE, and Madame DE GENLIS. I recommend it, +Sir. _Tolle, Lege!_ "And with a bow "Co. Junior," withdraws from the +presence. + +Quoth the Baron, "I was looking again into _Saint Monica_, just to see +if I might like it any better than I did on the first occasion--which, +"with me hand upon me hearrt," as Doctor O'Q. says, I cannot say +I do,--when I came upon the following misprint,--"_This woman, +nevertheless, worshipped him as the god of her idoltary._" It's a +beautiful word, "idoltary," and so much better than the ordinary way +of spelling it. So, after all, there is more in _Saint Monica_ than +I had expected. In fact, its chief fault is that it is too much spun +out; and, just at this time, _Saint Monica_ mustn't be associated in +any sort of way with the House at Cambridge where they spin. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A DÉBUTANTE. + + Fair Maiden of unclouded brow + Who, gaily, 'mid the gay the gayest, + To England, Home, and Duty now + Oblation payest. + + Gay seeming,--if the milliner's + Can cheer, the florist's homage sightly; + And yet, unless my fancy errs, + Thou shudderest slightly. + + Is it a sigh for childhood's bliss, + A dread of what is coming, come what + May matrimonially--or is + It draughty somewhat? + + St. James's corridors are long + As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is + (Except the train, of course)--and strong + Mamma's relief is. + + In vulgar phrase, "Your mother knows + You're _out_," at length. Such triumphs too dear + Are sometimes purchased. I suppose + She fidgets you, dear. + + "The Countess!--bow, child, to the Earl!-- + Those terrible HYDE PARKES! Their posies + Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl. + How red your nose is! + + "Quick! take the powder-puff, my love-- + Not on your bouquet or your hair now!-- + Don't bungle so; you'll drop that glove-- + Please take more care now. + + "You stoop like any _bourgeoise_ chit. + Who'd think you educated highly? + No, not so stiff. Do blush a bit, + And simper shyly." + + Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air. + This kind of thing is hardly pleasant. + Indeed, I'm thankful not to wear + Thy shoes at present! + + * * * * * + +"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LA!" + +[Illustration] + +In the _Times_ for March 12th appeared a notice of The Spring Flower +Show, wherein it was stated that a silver medal was awarded to Mr. +BARR for his "_pretty collections, which included the spurius Henry +Irving_." There's an "o" omitted, of course, but it's the same word. +Who is the "spurious HENRY IRVING"? Where does this flower of the +Drama flourish, away from the Lyceum Theatre? What and where does +HENRICUS SPURIUS play? Does he appear in the Hare-Bells? Is he to +bloom in Covent Garden? or is it, after all, only a plant? There is +only one HENRICUS IRVINGUS, and he's not "_spurius_." + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +HEALTH.--I am not an invalid, but I suffer from giddiness, a feeling +of suffocation, with excruciating pains, and apparent cessation of +the heart's action. I am also so nervous, that, whenever the door is +opened, I begin to scream loudly. My mental feebleness finds vent in +puns that have alienated my oldest friends. Could some Correspondent +explain these symptoms? I do not believe in Doctors, but am taking +"Soft-sawder's Emulgent Balsam of Aconitine." It does not seem to have +done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my not having tried +it long enough.--RATHER ANXIOUS. + + * * * * * + +A DANCING-ON-NOTHING GIRL.--Talk of _The Dancing Girl_ at the +Haymarket--of course people _will_ talk--why she's nothing to +the girls who dance to M. JACOBI's inimitable ballet-music at the +Alhambra. Here they have a magic show, which "puzzles the Quaker;" +and I don't mind admitting that I was the quaker when I saw a fair and +comely young lady up in the air standing still and dancing on nothing +at all! Certainly "Aerolithe" is as good as any of her marvellous +predecessors, the Vanishing Girl included. As a conjuror, Mr. CARL +HERTZ, who I take to be the inventor of the above illusion, is +also uncommonly neat, and this "Ten o'Clock," to all lovers of the +marvellous, can be recommended by + +THE FACULTY FOR AMUSEMENT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RANDOM ALADDIN. + +HIS ADVENTURES IN MASHONALAND. AN ARABIAN NIGHT'S DREAM. SNOOZE NO. +1.] + + * * * * * + +"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!" + + [HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of _The + Gondoliers_, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, + in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy Theatre Company, under + the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.--_From the Times Court + Circular, Monday, March 9._] + +"A comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. But where +does W.S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving the programme, and +after giving all the characters and the supers, the words "_Dramatis +Personæ_" occur as an after-thought, and underneath are the names +of the Musical Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. +Well, "W.S.G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful +performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the _Times_ C.C., "had the honour +of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her warm appreciation +of the manner in which the performance was conducted." Did R. D'OYLY +think of mentioning that "the words" were by W.S.G.? And then it +is told how D'OYLY refused to take any payment for the performance. +Noble, generous-hearted, large-minded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR +COURTLY SULLIVAN's name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this +extra act of generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir +BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, +dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what sort of +a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little episode in the +more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not a "Carpet Knight"? + + * * * * * + +A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.--Last Tuesday, under the heading of +"To-day," the _Times_ announced that "at the Society of Arts Mr. J. +STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on 'Enamelling +and Damascening,' Professor H. HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our +excellent Bushian Professor was the right man in the right place, +being so interested in theatrical matters; but, at the same time, +wouldn't the lecture on "Damascening," or "How to Dam-a-scene," have +been more suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY +JERUM in the Chair? + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.--"Turn again, WHITTAKER, First Mayor of +Richmond." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW SECT. + +"AND IS THE NEW CURATE _MARRIED_, MRS. JENKINS?" + +"OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A _CHALYBEATE_!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9_.--Naval Estimates on again. +Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Counted Out on +Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply again; formal Motion +made by JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply distressed to think that +Government should have fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's +really shocking," he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful +homes to London at this inclement season, to do the work of the +nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; +Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being found +there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out at half-past +eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally chucked away." + +"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard upon you, +sternly attending to your duty whilst others gambolled in the shade. +And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you were there when +the Count was made?" + +[Illustration: "Count" Cameron] + +"Well--er--you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact +is I wasn't there myself, though that, of course, does not deter +me from invoking censure on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that +the circumstance doesn't place me in a more favourable position. +Outsiders, you know, see most of game. I was outside; had, in fact, +comfortably gone off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to +make House. But they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it +hot for OLD MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here." + +Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. Condemnatory +Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42. + +House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore HARCOURT +appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, diffusing +unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Commodore looked very +imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards Mace, with telescope +under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over his ears, and unpolished +square-toed boots rising above his knees. A blizzard outside; snow +and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore soon made it hot all +round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly +claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval +resources for adequate adjective. Accused him of making a speech that +would have become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; +threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by the +SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful STRAFFORD." + +Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the storm inside +House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody knew that the +Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. Few present to witness +the perturbed scene on the Treasury Bench:--OLD MORALITY huddled up +against GEORGIE HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper +into measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the +lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining +his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference to +STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins considerably more +than six foot high, stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet +beat a wild accompaniment on the melancholy windows. + +_Business done_.--Commodore HARCOURT goes again on the rampage. + +_Tuesday_.--HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured by +fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Friendly +Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be remembered +as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of +Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general voluntary +provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly dragged in the axiom +that "Sound principles of provident Insurance should be included +in the subjects prescribed by the Education Code for instruction in +elementary schools." That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded _à +merveille_. + +"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and folding +his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his kindly +countenance, "that reminds me of old days. Many a time have I written +out in my copybook, 'Take care of your Neighbour's Pence, and your own +Pounds will Take Care of Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it +away for a Rainy Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread'; +'A Bird in a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps +of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. HOWARD +VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our elementary +schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men like me. You +remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their copy-book headings, +and I don't care who makes their laws.' HOWARD VINCENT is on the right +tack; think we shall accept his Resolution." + +So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had foregone his +speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, "There you +are," Government would have accepted it, and he would have had a night +of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined +chances of the Resolution he recommended. + +[Illustration: Herbert Maxwell Performed his task well. _Anon._] + +HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government, +did his work admirably. After fearful _fiasco_ with CHAPLIN last +Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give young Ministers +opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If MAXWELL made a mull of +this, following on Friday week's catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be +serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake. +He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject. + +_Business done_.--House Counted Out again. + +_Thursday_.--An Irish night at last, Quite a long time since we talked +of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess that Ireland was to the +fore by looking at the Irish quarter. Usual when Prince ARTHUR is +on his feet expounding and defending his policy for Irish camp to be +bristling with contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there, +including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't turned +up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new Manifesto. Towards +midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the quietude, observed that he +didn't believe there was a single Irish Member present. Whereupon +NOLAN, waking from sleep, under shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted +out, "What?" TANNER, just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince +ARTHUR, and the conversation terminated. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift McNeill "prating."] + +Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under discussion +is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR +asks for £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to +obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote moved by Chief Secretary. +If they were there, they might be expected to say, "Thank you;" +so they stay away, one or two just looking in to contradict T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, SARK calls him--when he gave an account +of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland. + +_Business done_.--Relief voted for Irish Distress. + +_Friday Night_.--Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep just +now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can +comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince +ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Ground-rents in London. +Not, quite his subject; voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury +Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to +think of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern +Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother GERALD, +opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep +again. + +_Business done_.--Slept. + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS. + + [Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent to + destroy the Bacillus.] + + Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never cease: + Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in peace. + I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my newly-wedded bride, + And exposed--it's really shameless--on a microscopic slide. + Sure some philbacillic person a Society should start + For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful art. + + KOCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in. + But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a single pin. + We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, + But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, + And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, + When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. + + Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is to flood + All the circulation freely with injections of goat's blood, + That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem to hurt, + Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt; + Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be revenge most sweet + If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet. + + Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared that we shall die + Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fly. + We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll live at ease, + With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides? + We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife, + But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. + + Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endure, + Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure; + We have lived and flourished freely ever since the world began, + And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man; + While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, + That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. + + * * * * * + +BLONDEL UP TO DATE. + +(_A FRAGMENT FROM A HISTORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +And so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no one knew +whither. His followers, saving one, treated the matter very calmly. +The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his wits (he played +on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to rescue his Royal +Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had noticed that when he +performed on his musical instrument those who, perforce, were obliged +to listen to him acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, +others had shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. +Only once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as +if he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently +ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone deaf. So he +argued that if his music had so great an effect upon the population +of his native village it would work marvels in the wide world without. +And thus, with a heart full of hope and courage, he started on his +travels. + +He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a weary mile. +He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the people put their +heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to be gone; and +as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to have seen the +King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to +hear his music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring +rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his search +was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it as silent +as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, not even a +hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a policeman the meaning +of this strange, this unlooked-for quietude! + +"Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, surlily, "and I +will soon show you!" + +BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. + +"What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the provisions +of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!" + +And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to prison! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 21, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13269-8.txt or 13269-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/6/13269/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 21, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13269] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 21, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" + id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + + <h2>MY LADY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She is not fair to outward view</p> + + <p class="i2">As many maidens be;</p> + + <p>(And into <i>such</i> a rage she flew</p> + + <p class="i2">On learning this from me;)</p> + + <p>And yet she's lovely, nay divine,</p> + + <p>Judged by her own peculiar line.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She's deeply read. She knows as much</p> + + <p class="i2">As average sixth-form boys;</p> + + <p>But not the greatest sage could touch</p> + + <p class="i2">The high, aggressive joys</p> + + <p>That imp her wing, like bird of prey,</p> + + <p>When in my dates I go astray.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not only learning's pure serene</p> + + <p class="i2">Her soaring mind can charm;</p> + + <p>The tradesman, shrinking from a scene,</p> + + <p class="i2">Regards her with alarm,</p> + + <p>And many a 'bus conductor owns</p> + + <p>The pow'r of her metallic tones.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Contentiously content, she takes</p> + + <p class="i2">Her strident way through life,</p> + + <p>And goodness only knows what makes</p> + + <p class="i2">Her choose to be my wife.</p> + + <p>Courage, poor heart! Thy yearnings stifle.</p> + + <p>She's not a girl with whom to trifle.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE.</h2> + + <h4>I.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/133.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/133.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Instead of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as + proposed, why not a Sub-Serpentine Line? Start it from the + South Kensington Station, District-cum-Metropolitan system, run + it with one station well-underground in the middle of + Exhibition Road, whence an easy ascent to the Imperial + Exhibition, when passengers would come up to "carp the vital + airs," then right away again, branching off left and right, + thus bringing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy + communication, at all reasonable hours, and at reasonable + prices, with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, + East and West. If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at + all—and, not being sacred groves, there is no reason why + they should not be, <i>faute de mieux</i>—a transverse + tunnelling from Kensington High Street to Queen's Road would do + the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our + power, and are,—Yours truly,</p> + + <p class="author">WILL HONEYCOMB, MOLE, FERRET & CO.,</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Burrow-Knights</i>.)</p> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <p>O sir,—Pleese don't let us ave no nasty railwaies and + tunels in Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and + the childern can play about, an no danger from nothink sep + dogs, wich is mosley musseled, or led with a string, an we + ain't trubbled about them, an can ave a word to say to a frend, + or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner the treeses, so nice an + quite, wich it wold not be wen disterbd by ingins, an smoke, + skreeges, an steem-wizzels. O, <i>Mr. P.</i>, don't let um do + it.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours obeegentlee, SARA JANE, (<i>Unner + Nursrymade</i>.)</p> + + <h4>III.</h4> + + <p>Sir,—The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't + be noticed if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No + blow-holes, of course. No disfigurement. Take it under the + centre path, <i>where there are no trees</i>, then turn to the + left outside the gate and burrow away to S. Kensington Station. + I can then get across the park in three minutes for a penny; + and now I have to walk, for which I haven't the time, or take a + cab, for which I haven't the money.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, A PRACTICAL PAUPER.</p> + + <h4>IV.</h4> + + <p>Sir,—I take this opportunity of pointing out that if + anything at all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, <i>why + not make a real good Rotten Row there?</i> That would he a + blessing and a convenience. We're all so sick and tired of that + squirrel-in-a-cage ride, round and round Hyde Park, and that + half-and-half affair in St. James's Park. No, Sir; now's the + time, and now's the hour. There's plenty of space for all + equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights + of nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of + lovers too. For my part, if this is not put forward as an + alternative scheme, I shall vote for tunnelling under the + Gardens out of simple cussedness. If the reply, authoritatively + given, be that the two schemes can go and must go together, + then I will vote for both, only let's have the equestrian + arrangement first.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, JOLTIN TROTT,</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount, Street, W, Captain 1st Lights and + Liver Brigade</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE.</h2> + + <p>"After all, the best of KEENE's life-work is to be found in + the innumerable cuts which he contributed to <i>Punch</i> + during a period of nearly forty years; and still more in the + originals of these, the masterly pen-and-ink drawings which are + now for the first time shown in a collected form to the + Public."</p> + + <p>So says Mr. CLAUDE PHILLIPS, in his "Prefatory Note," to the + "Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late CHARLES + KEENE," now on view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, + New Bond Street.</p> + + <p>If the British Public possess that "taste for Art" and that + "sense of humour" which some claim for and others deny to it, + it (the B.P.) will throng the comfortable and well-lighted + Gallery in New Bond Street, where hang some hundreds of + specimens of the later work of the most unaffected humorist, + and most masterly "Black-and-White" artist of his time. Walk + up, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see—such miracles of + delineation, such witcheries of effect, as were never before + put on paper by simple pen-and-ink!</p> + + <p>It is difficult to realise sometimes that it <i>is</i> pen + and ink, and that only—all the delightful display of + fresh English landscape and unsophisticated British humanity, + teeming with effects of distance, hints of atmosphere, and + suggestions of colour. Many a much-belauded brush is but a + fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with the ink-charged + crowquill handled by CHARLES KEENE. Look at + "<i>Grandiloquence</i>!" (No. 220) There's composition! There's + effect! Stretch of sea, schooner, PAT's petty craft, + grandiloquent PAT himself, a nautical Colossus astride on his + own cock-boat, with stable sea-legs firmly dispread, the swirl + of the sea, the swish of the waves, the very whiff of the wind + so vividly suggested!—and all in some few square inches + of "Black-and-White!"</p> + + <p>Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of + humorous characterisation, the strong charm of + <i>technique</i>, the colour, the action, the marvellous ease + and accuracy of street perspective in No. 16 ("<i>The Penny + Toy!</i>"). Action? Why, you can <i>see</i> the old lady jump, + let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame's foot, + and you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the "horrid + reptile."</p> + + <p>Or at that vivid bit of London "hoarding," and London low + life, and London street-distance in "<i>'Andicapped!</i>" (No. + 25.) Good as is the "gaol-bird," is not the wonderfully real + "hoarding" almost better?</p> + + <p>Who now can draw—or, for that matter, + <i>paint</i>—such a shopkeeper, <i>such</i> a shop, + <i>such</i> a child customer as those in "<i>All Alive!</i>" + (No. 41), where the <i>Little Girl</i> a-tip-toe with a wedge + of cheap "Cheddar" at the counter, comes down upon him of the + apron with the crusher, "Oh, mother's sent back this piece o' + cheese, 'cause father says if he wants any bait when he's goin' + a fishin', he can dig 'em up in our garden!"</p> + + <p>Are <i>you</i> a fisherman, reader? Then will you feel your + angling as well as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 + ("<i>The Old Adam</i>") and No. 6 ("<i>Wet and Dry</i>"), the + former especially! What water, what Scotch boys, <i>what</i> a + "prencipled" (but piscatorial) "Meenister"! Don't <i>you</i> + feel your elbow twitch? Don't <i>you</i> want to snatch the rod + from SANDY McDOUGAL's hand, and land that "fush" yourself, + Sawbath or no Sawbath?</p> + + <p>But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and + <i>purchase</i> them all! A KEENE drawing, almost <i>any</i> + KEENE drawing, is "a thing of beauty and a joy for ever" to + everyone who has an eye for admirable art and adorable + drollery. And good as is the <i>fun</i> of these drawings, the + graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, and + buoyancy, and breeziness, and masterly ease, and miraculous + open-airiness, and general delightfulness of them, are yet more + marked and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their + merits. An essay might be penned on any one of them—but + fate forbid it <i>should</i> be, unless a sort of artistic + CHARLES LAMB could take the task in hand. Better far go again + to New Bond Street and pass another happy hour or two with the + ruddy rustics and 'cute cockneys, the Scotch elders and + Anglican curates, the stodgy "Old Gents" and broad-backed, + bunchy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, + and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and + chatty 'bus-drivers, the "festive" diners-out and wary waiters, + the Volunteers and <i>vauriens</i>, the Artists and 'Arries, + the policemen and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street + scenes, and the equally inimitable lanes, coppices, + turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades and snowbound country + roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and—for his comrades + and the Public alike—all-too-soon-departed CHARLES + KEENE!</p> + + <p>Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work, of even + that part of it exhibited here, <i>could</i> be written within + brief compass, even by the most appreciative, admiring, and + art-loving of his sorrowing friends or colleagues. Let the + British Public go to New Bond Street, and see for itself, in + the very hand-work of this great artist, what he made manifest + during so many years in the pages of <i>Punch</i>, namely, the + supreme triumph of "Black-and-White" in the achievements of its + greatest master.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" + id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>KING STORK AND KING LOG.</h3> + + <h4>AN OLD FABLE + REVERSED.</h4><a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/134.png" + alt="KING STORK AND KING LOG." /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Frogs, who lived a free and easy life</p> + + <p class="i4">(As in the ancient fable)</p> + + <p>Though not quite clear from internecine + strife,</p> + + <p class="i4">Fancied they were well able</p> + + <p>To do <i>without</i> a King. Batrachian + wisdom</p> + + <p>Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom,</p> + + <p>And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and + corals,</p> + + <p>As ask a "King who might inspect their + morals"</p> + + <p>From Jupiter. Then 'twas <i>Juventus + Mundi</i>;</p> + + <p>The true King-maker now is—Mrs. + GRUNDY,</p> + + <p>And <i>she</i> insisted that our modern + Frogs</p> + + <p>Should have a King—the woodenest of King + Logs.</p> + + <p>At first this terrified our Frogs + exceedingly,</p> + + <p>And, sometimes passionately, sometimes + pleadingly,</p> + + <p class="i4">They grumbled and protested;</p> + + <p>But finding soon how placidly Log rested</p> + + <p>Prone in the pool with mighty little motion,</p> + + <p>Of danger they abandoned the wild notion,</p> + + <p>Finding it easy for a Frog to jog</p> + + <p class="i4">On with a kind King Log.</p> + + <p>But in the fulness of the time, there came</p> + + <p>A would-be monarch—Legion his fit + name;</p> + + <p>A Plebs-appointed Autocrat, Stork-throated,</p> + + <p class="i4">Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated;</p> + + <p>A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature,</p> + + <p>A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief + feature.</p> + + <p class="i4">This new King Stork,</p> + + <p>With a fierce, fussy appetite for work;</p> + + <p>Not satisfied with fixing like a vice</p> + + <p>Authority on Town and Country Mice,</p> + + <p>Tried to extend his sway to pools and bogs,</p> + + <p class="i4">And rule the + Frogs!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" + id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + + <p>But modern Frogdom, which had champions + able,</p> + + <p class="i4">Had read old-Æsop's fable,</p> + + <p>And of King Stork's appearance far from + amorous,</p> + + <p class="i4">Croaked forth a chorus clamorous</p> + + <p>Of resonant rebellion. These, upreared</p> + + <p>On angry legs, waved arms that nothing + feared;</p> + + <p>King Log defending. Great CRAUGASIDES,</p> + + <p>Among batrachian heroes first with ease,</p> + + <p>With ventriloquial vehemence defied</p> + + <p>The long-beaked base usurper. At his side</p> + + <p>His fond companion, PHYSIGNATHUS swelled</p> + + <p class="i4">Cheeks humorously defiant;</p> + + <p class="i8">The ruddy giant</p> + + <p>CRAMBOPHAGUS, as tall as is a Tree,</p> + + <p>Flouted King Stork with gestures fierce and + free,</p> + + <p>Sleek CALAMINTHIUS, aper deft of eld,</p> + + <p>Against the foe a pungent dart impelled;</p> + + <p class="i8">HYDROCHARIS too,</p> + + <p class="i4">(Most Terryble to view),</p> + + <p>Fared to the front, whilst smaller, yet as + brave</p> + + <p>Tiny batrachian brethren, dusk of hue,</p> + + <p>PRASSOPHAGUS, PRASSOEUS, staunch and true,</p> + + <p class="i4">Webbed hands did wildly wave</p> + + <p>With the frog-host against the beaky + bird—</p> + + <p>"<i>He</i> be our King?" they loudly cried.</p> + + <p class="i8">"Absurd!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not Mercury, nor Jupiter <i>we</i> beg</p> + + <p>For a devouring despot, lank of leg,</p> + + <p>Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak;</p> + + <p class="i4">Though singly we seem weak,</p> + + <p>United we are strong to smite or scoff.</p> + + <p>Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHURCH AND STAGE.—Let no rabid Churchmen, of any + school of thought, ever again take exception to the irreligious + character of playhouse entertainments. Let them read the + advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre in <i>The Times</i> for + March 13:—"During Holy Week this theatre will be closed, + re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with <i>The Bells</i>, which + will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any + arrangement be more thoroughly in harmony with general + ecclesiastical practice? Any liturgical student knows that the + bells are played once on Holy Saturday, and that they should be + played on Easter Monday is a matter of course.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TRACKS FOR THE TIMES.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a + right to interfere with the growing practice of using the + public roads of the Metropolis at night-time as + running-grounds for athletes.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I come from haunts of smoke and grime,</p> + + <p class="i2">I start in some blind alley,</p> + + <p>And race each night against Old Time</p> + + <p class="i2">Enthusiastically!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I dodge past frightened City gents,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sometimes send them flying,</p> + + <p>Which makes them cherish sentiments</p> + + <p class="i2">Not wholly edifying.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wind about, and in and out,</p> + + <p class="i2">Along the crowded pavement,</p> + + <p>While here and there the mockers flout</p> + + <p class="i2">My costume and behavement.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee</p> + + <p class="i2">Amid the teeming traffic,</p> + + <p>And drivers often use to me</p> + + <p class="i2">Idioms extremely graphic.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I murmur when a Lawyer's view</p> + + <p class="i2">Absurdly tries to hinder</p> + + <p>My turning public roads into</p> + + <p class="i2">A private path of cinder.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall be my one endeavour;</p> + + <p>For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I run on for ever!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/135.png" + alt="THE BLIZZARD." /></a> + + <h3>THE BLIZZARD.</h3> + + <h4>MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE + TOO!), MARCH 9, 1891.</h4>(<i>10 to 1 Nobody turns up.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A DIARY OF DOVER.</h2> + + <p><i>March, 1891</i>.—Fearful storm in the Channel, when + the <i>Victoria</i> is all but lost. Proposals in all the + newspapers for the immediate commencement of an adequate + harbour.</p> + + <p><i>April, 1892</i>.—Hurricane in the Channel, when + seventeen ships are lost, and the Club Train Boat (without + passengers) is carried, high and dry, as far as Amiens, by the + force of the weather. Renewed suggestions for the immediate + building of an adequate harbour.</p> + + <p><i>May, 1893</i>.—Cyclone in the Channel, in which the + British Fleet disappears. The newspapers once more urge the + immediate commencement of the proposed adequate harbour.</p> + + <p><i>June, 1894</i>.—Disaster in the Channel. Every + single vessel swamped, owing to the terrific weather. Again the + Press invites commencement of an adequate harbour.</p> + + <p><i>July, 1895</i>.—Members of both Houses of + Parliament, invited to take part in a State function at Calais, + having been put to considerable inconvenience, immediate orders + are given for the prompt commencement of the much-needed + adequate harbour at Dover.</p> + + <p><i>August, 19—</i>.—Proposed adequate harbour + having employed the hands, night and day, of thousands of + workmen, at enormous expense (owing to urgent pressure), is at + length opened to the public, amidst universal rejoicing.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" + id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. I.—ROSMERSHÖLM.</h3> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Sitting-room at Rosmershölm, with a stove, + flower-stand, windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, + and everything handsome about it</i>, REBECCA WEST <i>is + sitting knitting a large antimacassar which is nearly + finished. Now and then she looks out of a window, and + smiles and nods expectantly to someone outside.</i> Madam + HELSETH <i>is laying the table for supper.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rebecca</i> (<i>folding up her work slowly</i>). But tell + me precisely, what about this White Horse? [<i>Smiling + quietly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Madam Helseth</i>. Lord forgive you, + Miss!—(<i>fetching cruet-stand, and placing it on + table</i>)—but you're making fun of me!</p> + + <p><i>Rebecca</i> (<i>gravely</i>). No, indeed. Nobody makes + fun at Rosmershölm. Mr. ROSMER would not understand it. + (<i>Shutting window.</i>) Ah, here is Rector KROLL. (<i>Opening + door</i>.) You will stay to supper, will you not, Rector, and I + will tell them to give us some little extra dish.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>hanging up his hat in the hall</i>). Many + thanks. (<i>Wipes his boots.</i>) May I come in? (<i>Comes in, + puts down his stick, sits down, and looks about him.</i>) And + how do you and ROSMER get on together, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Ever since your sister, BEATA, went mad and + jumped into the mill-race, we have been as happy as two little + birds together. (<i>After a pause, sitting down in + arm-chair</i>.) So you don't really mind my living here all + alone with ROSMER? We were afraid you might, perhaps.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. Why, how on earth—on the contrary, I + shouldn't object at all if you—(<i>looks at her + meaningly</i>)—h'm!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>interrupting, gravely</i>). For shame, + Rector; how can you make such jokes!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>as if surprised</i>). Jokes? We do not joke + in these parts—but here is ROSMER.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/136.png" + alt="'Taking off his gloves meaningly.'" /></a>"Taking + off his gloves meaningly." + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> ROSMER, <i>gently and softly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. So, my dear old friend, you have come again, + after a year's absence. (<i>Sits down.</i>) We almost thought + that—</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>nods</i>). So Miss WEST was + saying—but you are quite mistaken. I merely thought I + might remind you, if I came, of our poor BEATA's suicide, so I + kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple tact.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. It was considerate—but unnecessary. + REB—I <i>mean</i>, Miss WEST and I often allude to the + incident, do we not?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>strikes Tändstickor</i>). Oh, yes, indeed. + (<i>Lighting lamp</i>.) Whenever we feel a little more cheerful + than usual.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. You dear good people! (<i>Wanders up the + room.</i>) I came because the Spirit of Revolt has crept into + my School. A Secret Society has existed for weeks in the Lower + Third! To-day it has come to my knowledge that a booby-trap was + prepared for me by the hand of my own son, LAURITS, and I then + discovered that a hair has been inserted in my cane by my + daughter HILDA! The only way in which a right-minded + Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is + to start a newspaper, and I thought that you, as a weak, + credulous, inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were + the very person to be the Editor.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[REB. <i>laughs softly, as if to herself.</i> ROSMER + <i>jumps up and sits down again.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>with a look at Rosmer</i>). Tell him + now!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>returning the look</i>). I + can't—some other evening. Well, perhaps— (<i>To</i> + KROLL.) I can't be your Editor—because (<i>in a low + voice</i>) I—I am on the side of LAURITS and HILDA!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>looks from one to the other, gloomily</i>). + H'm!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my + views. I am going to create a new democracy, and awaken it to + its true task of making all the people of this country + noblemen, by freeing their wills, and purifying their + minds!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. What <i>do</i> you mean? [<i>Takes up his + hat.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>bowing his head</i>). I don't quite know, + my dear friend; it was REB—I should say. Miss WEST's + scheme.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. H'm! (<i>A suspicion appears in his face.</i>) + Now I begin to believe that what BEATA said about + schemes—no matter. But, under the circumstances, I will + <i>not</i> stay to supper.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Takes up his stick, and walks out.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. I <i>told</i> you he would be annoyed, I + shall go to bed now. I don't want any supper. [<i>He lights a + candle, and goes out; presently his footsteps are heard + overhead, as he undresses.</i> REBECCA <i>pulls a + bell-rope.</i></p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>to</i> Madam HELSETH, <i>who enters with + dishes</i>). No, Mr. ROSMER will not have supper to-night. + (<i>In a lighter tone.</i>) Perhaps he is afraid of the + nightmare. There are so many sorts of White Horses in this + world!</p> + + <p><i>Mad. H.</i> (<i>shaking</i>). Lord! lord! that Miss + WEST—the things she does say! [REB. <i>goes out through + door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, as Curtain + falls.</i></p> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>ROSMER's <i>study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a + writing-table. Door, with curtain, leading to</i> ROSMER's + <i>bedroom</i>. ROSMER <i>discovered in a smoking-jacket + cutting a pamphlet with a paper-knife. There is a knock at + the door.</i> ROSMER <i>says</i>, "<i>Come in</i>." REBECCA + <i>enters in a morning wrapper and curl-papers. She sits on + a chair close to</i> ROSMER, <i>and looks over his shoulder + as he cuts the leaves.</i> Rector KROLL <i>is shown + up.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>lays his hat on the table and looks at</i> + REB. <i>from head to foot</i>). I am really afraid that I am in + the way.</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>surprised</i>). Because I am in my morning + wrapper and curl-papers? You forget that I am + <i>emancipated</i>, Rector KROLL.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She leaves them and listens behind curtain in</i> + ROSMER's <i>bedroom.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Yes, Miss WEST and I have worked our way + forward in faithful comradeship.</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>shakes his head at him slowly</i>). So I + perceive. Miss WEST is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I + say, <i>really</i> you know— However, I came to tell you + that poor BEATA was not so mad as she looked, though flowers + <i>did</i> bewilder her so. (<i>Taking off his gloves + meaningly.</i>) She jumped into the mill-race because she had + an idea that you ought to marry Miss WEST!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>jumps half up from his chair</i>). I? + Marry—Miss WEST! my good gracious, KROLL! I don't + <i>understand</i>, it is <i>most</i> incomprehensible. + (<i>Looks fixedly before him</i>.) How <i>can</i> people— + (<i>looks at him for a moment, then rises.</i>) Will you get + out? (<i>Still quiet and self-restrained.</i>) But first tell + me why you never mentioned this before?</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. Why? Because I thought you were both orthodox, + which made all the difference. Now I know that you side with + LAURITS and HILDA, and mean to make the democracy into + noblemen, and accordingly I intend to make it hot for you in my + paper. <i>Good</i> morning! [<i>He slams the door with spite + as</i> REBECCA <i>enters from bed-room.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>as if surprised</i>). You—in my + bedroom! You have been listening, dear? But you <i>are</i> so + emancipated. Ah, well! so our pure and beautiful friendship has + been misinterpreted, bespattered! Just because you wear a + morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for a year, people + with coarse souls and ignoble eyes make unpleasant remarks! But + what really <i>did</i> drive BEATA mad? <i>Why</i> did she jump + into the mill-race? I'm sure we did everything we could to + spare her! I made it the business of my life to keep her in + ignorance of all our interests—<i>didn't</i> I, now?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> You did—but why brood over it? What + <i>does</i> it matter? Get on with your great, beautiful task, + dear, (<i>approaching him cautiously from behind</i>), winning + over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, you + know—<i>joyful</i> noblemen!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>walking about, restlessly, as if in + thought</i>). Yes, I know. I have never laughed in the whole + course of my life—we ROSMERS don't—and so I felt + that spreading gladness and light, and making the democracy + joyful, was properly my mission. But <i>now</i>—I feel + too upset to go on, REBECCA, unless— (<i>Shakes his head + heavily.</i>) Yes, an idea has just occurred to + me—(<i>looks at her, and then runs his hands through his + hair</i>)—oh, my goodness, no—I <i>can't</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He leans his elbows on table.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Be a free man to the full, ROSMER—tell me + your idea.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>gloomily</i>). I don't know what you'll + say to it. It's this. Our platonic comradeship was all very + well while I was peaceful and happy. Now that I'm bothered and + badgered, I feel—<i>why</i>, I can't exactly explain, but + I <i>do</i> feel that I must oppose a new and living reality to + the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, explain + that this is equivalent to an Ibsenian + proposal.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" + id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>catches at the chairback with joy</i>). How? + at <i>last</i>—a rise at last! (<i>Recollects + herself.</i>) But what am I about? Am I not an emancipated + enigma? (<i>Puts her hands over her ears as if in terror.</i>) + What are you saying? You mustn't. I can't <i>think</i> what you + mean. Go away, do!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>softly</i>). Be the new and living + reality. It is the only way to put BEATA out of the Saga. Shall + we try it?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Never! Do not—<i>do</i> not ask me + why—for I haven't a notion—but never! (<i>Nods + slowly to him and rises.</i>) White Horses would not induce me! + (<i>With her hand on door-handle.</i>) Now you <i>know</i>! + [<i>She goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>sits up, stares thunderstruck at the + stove, and says to himself</i>). + Well—I—<i>am</i>— [<i>Quick Curtain.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[The remaining two Acts of this subtle psychological + study unavoidably held over.]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>"KEEP YOUR HARE ON!"</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/137.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/137.png" + alt="Hare's Theatre." /></a>Hare's Theatre. + </div> + + <p>In not following the advice given in the headline to this + article, clever Mr. PINERO has made a mistake. <i>Lady + Bountiful</i> with only a very little HARE is a disappointment. + The majority of those who go to "Hare's Theatre" (they don't + speak of it as "The Garrick") go to see the Lessee and Manager + in a new part: and they go to see a lot of him: they don't ask + merely for a small piece of HARE, if you please, though they + might be satisfied with HARE in a small piece. Everyone goes + expecting to see him in a good part in a good Comedy, his good + part being equal to the better part of the whole entertainment; + and if they don't so see him, they are disappointed. Why was + Mr. GRUNDY's happy translation of <i>Les Oiseaux</i> peculiarly + successful? because it was a light, fresh, and pretty piece, + wherein the occasional phrase in a minor key was so + artistically introduced as to be a relish to our enjoyment of + the humour of the characters and of the situations; but all + this would have gone for comparatively little had it not been + for the excellence of Mr. HARE's rendering of the first-rate + part of <i>Goldfinch</i>, which did not consist of occasional + flashes, only to collapse and disappear in the penultimate Act, + but continued right through to the end, dominating everything + and everybody. This is not so with <i>Lady Bountiful</i>. The + appearance of <i>Roderick Heron</i>, who is no creation of the + Author's, as he admits, but merely <i>Mr. Skimpole</i> under + another name, raises hopes at the commencement, which are + blighted long before the finish. The part gutters out, as does + Mr. CHARLES GROVE's <i>John Veale</i>, another "promise of + spring." Young Mr. GILBERT HARE makes a most creditable first + appearance as <i>Sir Lucian Brent, Bart</i>. He is easy and + natural.</p> + + <p>For the greater part of the educated audience, it might have + been more useful if <i>Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C.</i>, had + gone about with an old Eton Latin Grammar in his pocket, + instead of a <i>Horace</i>; and if Miss KATE RORKE had divided + with him the quotation, "<i>Nemo mortalium omnibus horis + sapit.</i>" He, being rejected, might have commenced, "<i>Nemo + mortalium</i>," and she might have continued, "<i>omnibus + horis</i>;" then, both together, "<i>sapit</i>." Or when she + had snubbed him, he might have made some telling remark about + "<i>Verbum personale</i>," and so forth. The introduction of a + quotation from <i>Horace</i> is likely rather to be resented + than appreciated by the victims of a superior education. What a + bad quarter of an hour or so Paterfamilias will have when + Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from + <i>Horace</i>! Poor Pater will pretend not to have "quite + caught them;" or "not been attending;" but to himself he will + own how entirely he has forgotten his Latin, and perhaps he + will make a good resolution to himself to "look up his + <i>Horace</i> again." Then the learned young lady will be asked + by her Mamma, or by her sharp young bothering sister, "what + that Latin means," and though she might be able to construe it + when she sees it, to translate it offhand at one hearing is a + difficulty, and she will evade the question by saying, "Please, + don't talk! I want to listen to the piece."</p> + + <p>The youth in the Stalls, fresh from college or school, will + be about as much equal to the translation offhand as is young + <i>Sir Lucian Brent</i> when asked by Mr. CATHCART to give the + meaning of the Latin on the ancient brasses in the old church, + and they won't thank you for bringing school studies into + playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained by this Dr. + Panglossian introduction of Latin quotation; it doesn't help + the action, nor emphasise a character, nor does it strengthen a + situation, to bring in even the most appropriate lines which + are not "in a language understanded of the people." <i>Sir + Richard Philliter, Q.C.</i>, might be known in private life to + his friends as Sir HORACE DAVUS (<i>Non Oedipus</i>). Mr. + CATHCART's <i>Pedgrift</i>, parish clerk and sexton, is an + excellent little character-sketch, as is also that of <i>Mrs. + Hornutt</i>, the pew-opener.</p> + + <p>As for Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and Miss KATE RORKE, they seemed + to me to be what the author had made them—<i>i.e.</i>, + stagey. Miss DOLORES DRUMMOND, as <i>Mrs. Veale</i>, is very + good, and Miss MARIE LINDEN, except in one stagey bit in the + Third Act, plays with great care and judgment. The interior of + the old country church (Act III.) is a masterpiece of scenic + art and stage arrangement,—a perfect picture by Mr. W. + HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the <i>dénoûment</i> of + the interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me of a + pictorial heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette + or <i>The London Journal</i>. It is a very weak finish, and not + strengthened or improved in any way by the line <i>Sir Richard + Philliter, Q.C.</i>, has to say, on which the Curtain descends. + And what does everybody exclaim afterwards? Simply, "Why + there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We thought we should see + him again, and that he would come out all right at last." + That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their favourite + first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, + unless the character be exceptionally amusing. <i>Lady + Bountiful</i> might be termed "A bald piece," because it has so + little HARE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>When no doubt it will be conducted on strictly + scientific principles.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event + in the Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored + at Putney. Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training + <i>mufti</i>, which contrasted strongly with the garb of the + sixteenth—a complete suit of flannels. "To quote our + ancestors—'Why this thusness?'" asked the Camford Stroke, + as he recognised one of his own men in this strange + apparel.</p> + + <p>"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to + pull in tweeds?"</p> + + <p>"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of + the Oxbridge Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the + matter in a more satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in + the Nineties to race in real earnest, but now that we have + reached the Twentieth Century our civilisation teaches + something better."</p> + + <p>"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we + had better get at once to business. Who has the sworn + information of our respective coaches?"</p> + + <p>"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating + Clubs; "and, if you will allow me, I will produce them—or + rather <i>it</i>, for the coaches have affirmed jointly."</p> + + <p>All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on + his spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, + and read as follows:—</p> + + <p>"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has + an advantage over Camford, which is only lessened, and + certainly not entirely removed, by the better training of the + latter. Moreover, the steering of the Oxbridge coxwain is + infinitely preferable to the steering of his rival. The times + of the various trials, too, have in every instance given a + distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they have a better boat. + So, given fine weather, the result is a foregone conclusion. + Oxbridge must win, although no doubt Camford would make a good + fight for it, and come in a respectable second."</p> + + <p>"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the + Camford Stroke, with rather a forced laugh.</p> + + <p>"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In + a company of gentlemen like those present, accidents always + <i>are</i> barred!"</p> + + <p>"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose + our committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest + Double First have considered what I may call the atmospheric + conditions under which the race would have taken place?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all + unfavourable to the success of Camford," was the ready + reply.</p> + + <p>"Then I think we have but one more thing to do—to give + three hearty cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge + Stroke, and a minute later the rafters rang with loud + applause.</p> + + <p>"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the + gentleman in flannels—he was a Freshman—a little + later. "Surely that would have been more satisfactory."</p> + + <p>"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival + of the fittest!" and his answer afforded general + satisfaction.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Shelley Revised.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Most rhyming men</p> + + <p>Are cradled into poetry by fashion,</p> + + <p>And learn as formula what they print as passion.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>The Development of Africa</i>, by A.S. WHITE, is + advertised. This is White on Black, and no player in hand. It + should be immediately followed by <i>Black on White, or Who + takes the Pool?</i> Exciting match, with one life each.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" + id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/138.png" + alt="CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED." /></a> + + <h3>CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED.</h3> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN + <i>MY</i> HAT, AND LEFT THIS FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD + THING INSTEAD!"</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. "A—I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT + <i>THAT</i> HAPPENS TO BE <i>MY</i> HAT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KEPT IN THE STABLE.</h2> + + <h4><i>Head Groom B-lf-r loq.</i>:—</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or + blunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gov's fondness for <i>Tithe</i>, or bad + weather, or what,</p> + + <p>You're kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and + able</p> + + <p class="i2">To lead the whole field and to win by a + lot.</p> + + <p>A hunter I never bestrode half as clever!</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Tithe</i>? Pooh! <i>He</i>'s not in + it, my beauty, with you.</p> + + <p>You've breed, style, and mettle, and look in rare + fettle.</p> + + <p class="i2">If <i>I</i> had to settle, you know what + <i>I</i>'d do!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders</p> + + <p class="i2">Save them: as if gent ever made A 1 + jock!</p> + + <p>Ah! ADAM L. GORDON,<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + poor chap, had a word on</p> + + <p class="i2">Such matters. I'll warrant <i>he</i> sat + like a rock,</p> + + <p>And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it <i>is</i> + hard</p> + + <p class="i2">To eat off your head in the stable like + this.</p> + + <p>Too long you have idled; but wait till you're + bridled!</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>The</i> hunt of the season I swear you + won't miss,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It has been hard weather, although, beauty, + whether</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis that altogether your chance that + postponed,</p> + + <p>Or whether Boss SOLLY committed a folly—</p> + + <p class="i2">No matter! A comelier crack he ne'er + owned,</p> + + <p>Although 'tis I say it who shouldn't. The way it</p> + + <p class="i2">Has snowed and has frozen may be his + excuse;</p> + + <p>But when you're once started, deer-limbed, + lion-hearted,</p> + + <p class="i2">I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the + deuce.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and + wiry,</p> + + <p class="i2">A loin rather light, but a shoulder + superb,"</p> + + <p>That's GORDON's description of <i>Iseult</i>. (All + whip shun</p> + + <p class="i2">When riding such rattlers, and trust to + the curb.)</p> + + <p>That mare was your sort, lad. I guess there'll be + sport, lad,</p> + + <p class="i2">When <i>you</i> make strong running, and + near the last jump.</p> + + <p>And you, when extended, look "bloodlike and + splendid."</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! poor LINDSAY GORDON was sportsman and + trump.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle</p> + + <p class="i2">Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in + you then:</p> + + <p>There's howling "HISTORICUS,"—he's but a sorry + cuss!</p> + + <p class="i2">WEG, too, that grandest of all grand old + men;</p> + + <p>He's ridden some races; of chances and paces,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of crocks <i>versus</i> cracks he did + ought to be judge.</p> + + <p>He sees you are speedy; when MORLEY sneers + "Weedy,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Or LAB doubts your staying, WEG knows + it's all fudge!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, + lad;</p> + + <p class="i2">Though we're frost-bound now, open + weather must come,</p> + + <p>At least after Easter; and, beauty, <i>when</i> we + stir.</p> + + <p class="i2">And forge to the front, lad, we'll just + make things hum.</p> + + <p>In spite of much ruction concerning Obstruction,</p> + + <p class="i2">I wish—<i>in a + whisper</i>—we'd started before,</p> + + <p>And, forcing the running, discarding all + cunning,</p> + + <p class="i2">Romped in—<i>as we + will</i>—'midst a general roar!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>ADAM LINDSAY GORDON, the ardent, horse-loving Australian + poet.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>MORE IBSENITY.</h3> + + <p><i>Ghosts</i> at the Royalty. "Alas, poor Ghosts!" A shady + piece. "No money taken at the doors" on this occasion, which is + making a virtue of necessity. This being the case, + <i>Ghosts</i> was, and if played again will, be witnessed by an + audience mainly composed of "Deadheads." Lively this. The + Critics have spoken out strongly, and those interested in this + Ibsenity should read the criticisms presumably by Mr. CLEMENT + SCOTT in <i>The Telegraph</i> and Mr. MOY THOMAS in <i>The + Daily News</i>. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true, + and just in all their dealings with this Ibsenian craze.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Les Oiseaux."—Mrs. RAM says she pities any + unfortunate man whose wife has a fearful temper. She knows one + such husband who quite quails before his wife, "and I'm not + surprised," adds Mrs. R., "for I know her, and she's a regular + ptarmigan."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Coming Census.—CARLYLE said, "The population of + the British Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly + fools." Will the Census be taken on the First of April?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" + id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/139.png" + alt="KEPT IN THE STABLE." /></a> + + <h3>KEPT IN THE STABLE.</h3>HEAD GROOM. "AH, MY + BEAUTY!—YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET—BUT WE + SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER <i>AFTER EASTER</i>!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" + id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/141-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/141-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Baron can highly recommend <i>The Wages of Sin</i>, by + LUCAS MALET. "I am informed," says the B. DE B.-W., "that this + is the <i>nom de plume</i> of an Authoress. This MALET should + be Femalet." Be this as it may, the Baron, who is discretion + itself, will not attempt to penetrate beyond the veil. Some of + the writing is a bit tall; but thank heaven, my old æsthetic + friend, "O-the-pity-of-it" occurs only once; and O the pity of + it when he does so, and gives a "MAUDLE and POSTLETHWAITE" tone + to the passage in question. What does "huffle" mean? (Vol. + III., p. 82.) Genius has a right to create words; and when + Genius does so, the very sound of the word conveys its meaning + with and frequently without the context. "But I'm huffled," + says the Baron, "if I understand it here." Still "huffled" is a + good-substitute for strong language, when you're ruffled. Don't + let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow pace of + Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish mean + cuss is the "hero," so to style him; and personally, the Baron + would consider him in Society as a first-class artistic bore. + The character is drawn with great skill, as are they all. The + description of <i>Mrs. Crookendon's</i> after-dinner party is + as life-like as if it were a well-staged scene in a + well-written and well-cast Drama.</p> + + <p>"I have been dipping into <i>Country House Sketches</i>, by + C.C. RHYS," says the Baron, "and have come to the conclusion + that if the author, youthful I fancy, would give himself time, + and have the patience to 'follow my LEVER,' the result would be + a <i>Jack Hinton Junior</i>, with a smack of <i>Soapey + Sponge</i> in it." The short stories are all, more or less, + good, and would be still better but for a certain cocksureness + about them which savours of the man in a country house who will + insist on telling you a series of good stories about himself, + one after the other, until the guests in the smoking-room, in + sheer despair of ever getting their turn of talking about + themselves, or of turning on the tap of their own good stories, + light their candles, yawn, and go pensively to bed.</p> + + <p>My "Faithful Co." informs me that he has been reading some + very excellent <i>Sketches of England</i>, by a "Foreign + Artist," and a "Foreign Author." The latter is no less a person + than the genial representative of the <i>Journal des Débats</i> + in London, Mons. P. VILLARS. My "Co." says that, take it all + round, this is one of the best books upon <i>La Perfide + Albion</i> he has ever read. Both scribe and illustrator are + evidently fond of the "Foreigners" they find in the British + Isles. Mons. VILLARS, however, makes one startling assertion, + which has taken my "Co," by surprise. The "Foreign Author" + declares that "laughter never struck his ears." Now our + Monsieur is an admirable <i>raconteur</i>, and if he ever told + one of his capital stories to an Englishman of average + intelligence, he <i>must</i> have heard laughter. He has also + read a rather strange work called, <i>What will Mrs. Grundy + say?</i> My "Co." declares that, considering its subject, the + book, which is not without merit, might be recommended as a + disciplinary exercise during Lent.</p> + + <p>Says "Co. Junior," to the Baron, "Sir, I've just come across + AUSTIN DOBSON and his <i>Four Frenchwomen</i>." "Hold!" cries + the Baron, frowning. "No scandal." "Nay, Sir," quoth "Co. + Junior," nervously. "'tis but the title of a book." "That is + another thing," says the Baron, waving his hand, "proceed!" "It + is about Mlle. DE CORDAY, Madame ROLAND, the Princesse DE + LAMBALLE, and Madame DE GENLIS. I recommend it, Sir. <i>Tolle, + Lege!</i> "And with a bow "Co. Junior," withdraws from the + presence.</p> + + <p>Quoth the Baron, "I was looking again into <i>Saint + Monica</i>, just to see if I might like it any better than I + did on the first occasion—which, "with me hand upon me + hearrt," as Doctor O'Q. says, I cannot say I do,—when I + came upon the following misprint,—"<i>This woman, + nevertheless, worshipped him as the god of her idoltary.</i>" + It's a beautiful word, "idoltary," and so much better than the + ordinary way of spelling it. So, after all, there is more in + <i>Saint Monica</i> than I had expected. In fact, its chief + fault is that it is too much spun out; and, just at this time, + <i>Saint Monica</i> mustn't be associated in any sort of way + with the House at Cambridge where they spin.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO A DÉBUTANTE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair Maiden of unclouded brow</p> + + <p class="i2">Who, gaily, 'mid the gay the gayest,</p> + + <p>To England, Home, and Duty now</p> + + <p class="i10">Oblation payest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gay seeming,—if the milliner's</p> + + <p class="i2">Can cheer, the florist's homage + sightly;</p> + + <p>And yet, unless my fancy errs,</p> + + <p class="i10">Thou shudderest slightly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is it a sigh for childhood's bliss,</p> + + <p class="i2">A dread of what is coming, come what</p> + + <p>May matrimonially—or is</p> + + <p class="i10">It draughty somewhat?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>St. James's corridors are long</p> + + <p class="i2">As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is</p> + + <p>(Except the train, of course)—and strong</p> + + <p class="i10">Mamma's relief is.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vulgar phrase, "Your mother knows</p> + + <p class="i2">You're <i>out</i>," at length. Such + triumphs too dear</p> + + <p>Are sometimes purchased. I suppose</p> + + <p class="i10">She fidgets you, dear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The Countess!—bow, child, to the + Earl!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Those terrible HYDE PARKES! Their + posies</p> + + <p>Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl.</p> + + <p class="i10">How red your nose is!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Quick! take the powder-puff, my love—</p> + + <p class="i2">Not on your bouquet or your hair + now!—</p> + + <p>Don't bungle so; you'll drop that glove—</p> + + <p class="i10">Please take more care now.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You stoop like any <i>bourgeoise</i> chit.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd think you educated highly?</p> + + <p>No, not so stiff. Do blush a bit,</p> + + <p class="i10">And simper shyly."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air.</p> + + <p class="i2">This kind of thing is hardly + pleasant.</p> + + <p>Indeed, I'm thankful not to wear</p> + + <p class="i10">Thy shoes at present!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LA!"</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/141-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/141-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>In the <i>Times</i> for March 12th appeared a notice of The + Spring Flower Show, wherein it was stated that a silver medal + was awarded to Mr. BARR for his "<i>pretty collections, which + included the spurius Henry Irving</i>." There's an "o" omitted, + of course, but it's the same word. Who is the "spurious HENRY + IRVING"? Where does this flower of the Drama flourish, away + from the Lyceum Theatre? What and where does HENRICUS SPURIUS + play? Does he appear in the Hare-Bells? Is he to bloom in + Covent Garden? or is it, after all, only a plant? There is only + one HENRICUS IRVINGUS, and he's not "<i>spurius</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>HEALTH.—I am not an invalid, but I suffer from + giddiness, a feeling of suffocation, with excruciating pains, + and apparent cessation of the heart's action. I am also so + nervous, that, whenever the door is opened, I begin to scream + loudly. My mental feebleness finds vent in puns that have + alienated my oldest friends. Could some Correspondent explain + these symptoms? I do not believe in Doctors, but am taking + "Soft-sawder's Emulgent Balsam of Aconitine." It does not seem + to have done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my + not having tried it long enough.—RATHER ANXIOUS.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A DANCING-ON-NOTHING GIRL.—Talk of <i>The Dancing + Girl</i> at the Haymarket—of course people <i>will</i> + talk—why she's nothing to the girls who dance to M. + JACOBI's inimitable ballet-music at the Alhambra. Here they + have a magic show, which "puzzles the Quaker;" and I don't mind + admitting that I was the quaker when I saw a fair and comely + young lady up in the air standing still and dancing on nothing + at all! Certainly "Aerolithe" is as good as any of her + marvellous predecessors, the Vanishing Girl included. As a + conjuror, Mr. CARL HERTZ, who I take to be the inventor of the + above illusion, is also uncommonly neat, and this "Ten + o'Clock," to all lovers of the marvellous, can be recommended + by</p> + + <p class="author">THE FACULTY FOR AMUSEMENT.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" + id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/142.png" + alt="RANDOM ALADDIN." /></a> + + <h3>RANDOM ALADDIN.</h3>HIS ADVENTURES IN MASHONALAND. AN + ARABIAN NIGHT'S DREAM. SNOOZE NO. 1. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" + id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> + + <h2>"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!"</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of + <i>The Gondoliers</i>, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir + ARTHUR SULLIVAN, in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy + Theatre Company, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY + CARTE.—<i>From the Times Court Circular, Monday, + March 9.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"A comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. + But where does W.S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving + the programme, and after giving all the characters and the + supers, the words "<i>Dramatis Personæ</i>" occur as an + after-thought, and underneath are the names of the Musical + Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. Well, + "W.S.G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful + performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the <i>Times</i> C.C., "had + the honour of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her + warm appreciation of the manner in which the performance was + conducted." Did R. D'OYLY think of mentioning that "the words" + were by W.S.G.? And then it is told how D'OYLY refused to take + any payment for the performance. Noble, generous-hearted, + large-minded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR COURTLY SULLIVAN's + name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this extra act of + generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir BRIAN DE + BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, + dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what + sort of a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little + episode in the more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why + not a "Carpet Knight"?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.—Last Tuesday, under + the heading of "To-day," the <i>Times</i> announced that "at + the Society of Arts Mr. J. STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, + would discourse on 'Enamelling and Damascening,' Professor H. + HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our excellent Bushian Professor + was the right man in the right place, being so interested in + theatrical matters; but, at the same time, wouldn't the lecture + on "Damascening," or "How to Dam-a-scene," have been more + suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY + JERUM in the Chair?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.—"Turn again, WHITTAKER, + First Mayor of Richmond."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/143-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-1.png" + alt="A NEW SECT." /></a> + + <h3>A NEW SECT.</h3> + + <p>"AND IS THE NEW CURATE <i>MARRIED</i>, MRS. + JENKINS?"</p> + + <p>"OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A + <i>CHALYBEATE</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9</i>.—Naval + Estimates on again. Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; + House been Counted Out on Friday; necessary for Government to + set up Supply again; formal Motion made by JACKSON; CAMERON + objects; deeply distressed to think that Government should have + fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's really shocking," + he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful homes to London + at this inclement season, to do the work of the nation. + Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; + Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being + found there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out + at half-past eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally + chucked away."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard + upon you, sternly attending to your duty whilst others + gambolled in the shade. And then to be suddenly Counted Out! + How many of you were there when the Count was made?"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/143-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/143-2.png" + alt="'Count' Cameron." /></a>"Count" Cameron. + </div> + + <p>"Well—er—you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost + blushing; "the fact is I wasn't there myself, though that, of + course, does not deter me from invoking censure on Ministers. + Indeed I am not sure that the circumstance doesn't place me in + a more favourable position. Outsiders, you know, see most of + game. I was outside; had, in fact, comfortably gone off to + dinner, expecting other people would stop to make House. But + they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it hot for OLD + MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here."</p> + + <p>Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. + Condemnatory Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42.</p> + + <p>House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore + HARCOURT appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, + diffusing unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. + Commodore looked very imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards + Mace, with telescope under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over + his ears, and unpolished square-toed boots rising above his + knees. A blizzard outside; snow and wind; bitterly cold; but + the Commodore soon made it hot all round. Fell upon JOKIM spars + and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly claw-hammered him," as + GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval resources for adequate + adjective. Accused him of making a speech that would have + become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; + threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by + the SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful + STRAFFORD."</p> + + <p>Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the + storm inside House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. + Nobody knew that the Commodore was close-hauled, and meant + business. Few present to witness the perturbed scene on the + Treasury Bench:—OLD MORALITY huddled up against GEORGIE + HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper into + measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the + lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining + his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference + to STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins + considerably more than six foot high, stormed and raged what + time the snow and sleet beat a wild accompaniment on the + melancholy windows.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Commodore HARCOURT goes again on + the rampage.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered + to-night. Favoured by fortune and the ballot, had secured first + place for Motion on Friendly Societies. Useful thing for coming + General Election to be <span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" + id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> remembered as advocate of + cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of + Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general + voluntary provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly + dragged in the axiom that "Sound principles of provident + Insurance should be included in the subjects prescribed by + the Education Code for instruction in elementary schools." + That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded <i>à + merveille</i>.</p> + + <p>"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and + folding his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer + softness his kindly countenance, "that reminds me of old days. + Many a time have I written out in my copybook, 'Take care of + your Neighbour's Pence, and your own Pounds will Take Care of + Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it away for a Rainy + Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread'; 'A Bird in + a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps of + copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. + HOWARD VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our + elementary schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men + like me. You remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their + copy-book headings, and I don't care who makes their laws.' + HOWARD VINCENT is on the right tack; think we shall accept his + Resolution."</p> + + <p>So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had + foregone his speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, + and said, "There you are," Government would have accepted it, + and he would have had a night of triumph. But he would speak. + Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined chances of the Resolution + he recommended.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/144-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/144-1.png" + alt="Herbert Maxwell." /></a>Herbert Maxwell<br /> + Performed his task well.<br /> + <i>Anon.</i> + </div> + + <p>HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for + Government, did his work admirably. After fearful <i>fiasco</i> + with CHAPLIN last Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to + give young Ministers opportunity of distinguishing themselves. + If MAXWELL made a mull of this, following on Friday week's + catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be serious. MAXWELL won more + than negative credit of not making mistake. He delivered + excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—House Counted Out again.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—An Irish night at last, Quite a long + time since we talked of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess + that Ireland was to the fore by looking at the Irish quarter. + Usual when Prince ARTHUR is on his feet expounding and + defending his policy for Irish camp to be bristling with + contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there, + including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't + turned up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new + Manifesto. Towards midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the + quietude, observed that he didn't believe there was a single + Irish Member present. Whereupon NOLAN, waking from sleep, under + shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted out, "What?" TANNER, + just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince ARTHUR, and the + conversation terminated.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/144-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/144-2.png" + alt="Mr. Swift McNeill 'prating.'" /></a>Mr. Swift + McNeill "prating." + </div> + + <p>Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under + discussion is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. + Prince ARTHUR asks for £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do + for Irish Members to obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote + moved by Chief Secretary. If they were there, they might be + expected to say, "Thank you;" so they stay away, one or two + just looking in to contradict T.W. RUSSELL—"Roaring" + RUSSELL, SARK calls him—when he gave an account of what + he saw during a recent visit to Ireland.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Relief voted for Irish + Distress.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Lo! a strange thing happened. + Fell asleep just now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no + one outside House can comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar + voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince ARTHUR, I heard him complain; + something about Ground-rents in London. Not, quite his subject; + voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury Bench. But no + mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to think + of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern + Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother + GERALD, opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think + I'll go to sleep again.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Slept.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent + to destroy the Bacillus.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never + cease:</p> + + <p>Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in + peace.</p> + + <p>I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my + newly-wedded bride,</p> + + <p>And exposed—it's really shameless—on a + microscopic slide.</p> + + <p>Sure some philbacillic person a Society should + start</p> + + <p>For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful + art.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>KOCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came + squirming in.</p> + + <p>But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a + single pin.</p> + + <p>We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us + roam,</p> + + <p>But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from + your home,</p> + + <p>And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we + had rest,</p> + + <p>When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his + tortured breast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is + to flood</p> + + <p>All the circulation freely with injections of goat's + blood,</p> + + <p>That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem + to hurt,</p> + + <p>Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic + squirt;</p> + + <p>Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be + revenge most sweet</p> + + <p>If the patients take to butting every single soul + they meet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared + that we shall die</p> + + <p>Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish + fly.</p> + + <p>We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll + live at ease,</p> + + <p>With his system impregnated with that vile + cantharides?</p> + + <p>We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal + strife,</p> + + <p>But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out + of life.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these + indignities endure,</p> + + <p>Although every week brings news of an indubitable + cure;</p> + + <p>We have lived and flourished freely ever since the + world began,</p> + + <p>And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of + man;</p> + + <p>While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to + my song,</p> + + <p>That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply + live as long.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BLONDEL UP TO DATE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Fragment from a History of the Future.</i>)</h4> + + <p>And so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, + no one knew whither. His followers, saving one, treated the + matter very calmly. The exception, who was supposed to be + wanting in his wits (he played on the barrel-organ), determined + to do his best to rescue his Royal Master; and an idea occurred + to him. He had noticed that when he performed on his musical + instrument those who, perforce, were obliged to listen to him + acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, others had + shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. Only + once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as if + he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently + ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone + deaf. So he argued that if his music had so great an effect + upon the population of his native village it would work marvels + in the wide world without. And thus, with a heart full of hope + and courage, he started on his travels.</p> + + <p>He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a + weary mile. He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the + people put their heads out of their windows, and urged him + imperiously to be gone; and as he hurried away he gazed at + their faces, hoping to have seen the King, his Master, but + without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to hear his + music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring + rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his + search was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it + as silent as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, + not even a hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a + policeman the meaning of this strange, this unlooked-for + quietude!</p> + + <p>"Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, + surlily, "and I will soon show you!"</p> + + <p>BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested.</p> + + <p>"What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the + provisions of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!"</p> + + <p>And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to + prison!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 21, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13269-h.htm or 13269-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/6/13269/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 21, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 24, 2004 [EBook #13269] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 21, 1891. + + + + +MY LADY. + + She is not fair to outward view + As many maidens be; + (And into _such_ a rage she flew + On learning this from me;) + And yet she's lovely, nay divine, + Judged by her own peculiar line. + + She's deeply read. She knows as much + As average sixth-form boys; + But not the greatest sage could touch + The high, aggressive joys + That imp her wing, like bird of prey, + When in my dates I go astray. + + Not only learning's pure serene + Her soaring mind can charm; + The tradesman, shrinking from a scene, + Regards her with alarm, + And many a 'bus conductor owns + The pow'r of her metallic tones. + + Contentiously content, she takes + Her strident way through life, + And goodness only knows what makes + Her choose to be my wife. + Courage, poor heart! Thy yearnings stifle. + She's not a girl with whom to trifle. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON CORRESPONDENCE. + +I. + +[Illustration] + +Instead of the Sub-Kensington Gardens Railway scheme as proposed, +why not a Sub-Serpentine Line? Start it from the South Kensington +Station, District-cum-Metropolitan system, run it with one station +well-underground in the middle of Exhibition Road, whence an easy +ascent to the Imperial Exhibition, when passengers would come up to +"carp the vital airs," then right away again, branching off left +and right, thus bringing the mild Southerners into rapid, easy +communication, at all reasonable hours, and at reasonable prices, +with the rugged denizens of the Northern districts, East and West. +If Kensington Gardens are to be touched at all--and, not being sacred +groves, there is no reason why they should not be, _faute de mieux_--a +transverse tunnelling from Kensington High Street to Queen's Road +would do the trick. We will be happy to render any assistance in our +power, and are,--Yours truly, + +WILL HONEYCOMB, MOLE, FERRET & CO., + +(_Burrow-Knights_.) + +II. + +O sir,--Pleese don't let us ave no nasty railwaies and tunels in +Kinsinton Gardins, were we now are so skludid, and the childern +can play about, an no danger from nothink sep dogs, wich is mosley +musseled, or led with a string, an we ain't trubbled about them, an +can ave a word to say to a frend, or a cuzzin, you unnerstan, unner +the treeses, so nice an quite, wich it wold not be wen disterbd by +ingins, an smoke, skreeges, an steem-wizzels. O, _Mr. P._, don't let +um do it. + +Yours obeegentlee, SARA JANE, (_Unner Nursrymade_.) + +III. + +Sir,--The Railway underneath Kensington Gardens won't be noticed +if only taken down deep enough below the surface. No blow-holes, of +course. No disfigurement. Take it under the centre path, _where there +are no trees_, then turn to the left outside the gate and burrow away +to S. Kensington Station. I can then get across the park in three +minutes for a penny; and now I have to walk, for which I haven't the +time, or take a cab, for which I haven't the money. + +Yours, A PRACTICAL PAUPER. + +IV. + +Sir,--I take this opportunity of pointing out that if anything at +all is to be done with Kensington Gardens, _why not make a real good +Rotten Row there?_ That would he a blessing and a convenience. We're +all so sick and tired of that squirrel-in-a-cage ride, round and round +Hyde Park, and that half-and-half affair in St. James's Park. No, Sir; +now's the time, and now's the hour. There's plenty of space for all +equestrian wants, without interfering with the sylvan delights of +nurserymaids, children, lovers of nature, and all sorts of lovers too. +For my part, if this is not put forward as an alternative scheme, I +shall vote for tunnelling under the Gardens out of simple cussedness. +If the reply, authoritatively given, be that the two schemes can go +and must go together, then I will vote for both, only let's have the +equestrian arrangement first. + +Yours, JOLTIN TROTT, + +_Mount, Street, W, Captain 1st Lights and Liver Brigade_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRIUMPH OF BLACK AND WHITE. + +"After all, the best of KEENE's life-work is to be found in the +innumerable cuts which he contributed to _Punch_ during a period of +nearly forty years; and still more in the originals of these, the +masterly pen-and-ink drawings which are now for the first time shown +in a collected form to the Public." + +So says Mr. CLAUDE PHILLIPS, in his "Prefatory Note," to the +"Catalogue of a Collection of Drawings of the late CHARLES KEENE," now +on view at the Rooms of the Fine Arts Society, 148, New Bond Street. + +If the British Public possess that "taste for Art" and that "sense of +humour" which some claim for and others deny to it, it (the B.P.) will +throng the comfortable and well-lighted Gallery in New Bond Street, +where hang some hundreds of specimens of the later work of the most +unaffected humorist, and most masterly "Black-and-White" artist of +his time. Walk up, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see--such miracles of +delineation, such witcheries of effect, as were never before put on +paper by simple pen-and-ink! + +It is difficult to realise sometimes that it _is_ pen and ink, and +that only--all the delightful display of fresh English landscape and +unsophisticated British humanity, teeming with effects of distance, +hints of atmosphere, and suggestions of colour. Many a much-belauded +brush is but a fumbling and ineffective tool, compared with +the ink-charged crowquill handled by CHARLES KEENE. Look at +"_Grandiloquence_!" (No. 220) There's composition! There's effect! +Stretch of sea, schooner, PAT's petty craft, grandiloquent PAT +himself, a nautical Colossus astride on his own cock-boat, with stable +sea-legs firmly dispread, the swirl of the sea, the swish of the +waves, the very whiff of the wind so vividly suggested!--and all in +some few square inches of "Black-and-White!" + +Look, again, at the breadth of treatment, the power of humorous +characterisation, the strong charm of _technique_, the colour, the +action, the marvellous ease and accuracy of street perspective in No. +16 ("_The Penny Toy!_"). Action? Why, you can _see_ the old lady jump, +let alone the frog! Fix your eye on the frightened dame's foot, and +you'll swear it jerks in time to the leap of the "horrid reptile." + +Or at that vivid bit of London "hoarding," and London low life, and +London street-distance in "_'Andicapped!_" (No. 25.) Good as is the +"gaol-bird," is not the wonderfully real "hoarding" almost better? + +Who now can draw--or, for that matter, _paint_--such a shopkeeper, +_such_ a shop, _such_ a child customer as those in "_All Alive!_" (No. +41), where the _Little Girl_ a-tip-toe with a wedge of cheap "Cheddar" +at the counter, comes down upon him of the apron with the crusher, +"Oh, mother's sent back this piece o' cheese, 'cause father says if +he wants any bait when he's goin' a fishin', he can dig 'em up in our +garden!" + +Are _you_ a fisherman, reader? Then will you feel your angling as well +as your artistic heart warmed by No. 75 ("_The Old Adam_") and No. +6 ("_Wet and Dry_"), the former especially! What water, what Scotch +boys, _what_ a "prencipled" (but piscatorial) "Meenister"! Don't _you_ +feel your elbow twitch? Don't _you_ want to snatch the rod from SANDY +McDOUGAL's hand, and land that "fush" yourself, Sawbath or no Sawbath? + +But, bless us, one wants to describe, and praise, and _purchase_ +them all! A KEENE drawing, almost _any_ KEENE drawing, is "a thing of +beauty and a joy for ever" to everyone who has an eye for admirable +art and adorable drollery. And good as is the _fun_ of these drawings, +the graphic force, and breadth, and delicacy, and freshness, +and buoyancy, and breeziness, and masterly ease, and miraculous +open-airiness, and general delightfulness of them, are yet more marked +and marvellous. Time would fail to tell a tithe of their merits. An +essay might be penned on any one of them--but fate forbid it _should_ +be, unless a sort of artistic CHARLES LAMB could take the task in +hand. Better far go again to New Bond Street and pass another happy +hour or two with the ruddy rustics and 'cute cockneys, the Scotch +elders and Anglican curates, the stodgy "Old Gents" and broad-backed, +bunchy middle-class matrons, the paunchy port-swigging-buffers, +and hungry but alert street-boys, the stertorous cabbies, and +chatty 'bus-drivers, the "festive" diners-out and wary waiters, the +Volunteers and _vauriens_, the Artists and 'Arries, the policemen +and sportsmen, amidst the incomparable street scenes, and the equally +inimitable lanes, coppices, turnip-fields and stubbles, green glades +and snowbound country roads of wonderful, ever-delightful, and--for +his comrades and the Public alike--all-too-soon-departed CHARLES +KEENE! + +Nothing really worthy of his astonishing life-work, of even that part +of it exhibited here, _could_ be written within brief compass, even +by the most appreciative, admiring, and art-loving of his sorrowing +friends or colleagues. Let the British Public go to New Bond Street, +and see for itself, in the very hand-work of this great artist, what +he made manifest during so many years in the pages of _Punch_, namely, +the supreme triumph of "Black-and-White" in the achievements of its +greatest master. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KING STORK AND KING LOG. + +AN OLD FABLE REVERSED.] + + The Frogs, who lived a free and easy life + (As in the ancient fable) + Though not quite clear from internecine strife, + Fancied they were well able + To do _without_ a King. Batrachian wisdom + Disdains the rule of fogeydom and quizdom, + And Frogs as soon would take to bibs and corals, + As ask a "King who might inspect their morals" + From Jupiter. Then 'twas _Juventus Mundi_; + The true King-maker now is--Mrs. GRUNDY, + And _she_ insisted that our modern Frogs + Should have a King--the woodenest of King Logs. + At first this terrified our Frogs exceedingly, + And, sometimes passionately, sometimes pleadingly, + They grumbled and protested; + But finding soon how placidly Log rested + Prone in the pool with mighty little motion, + Of danger they abandoned the wild notion, + Finding it easy for a Frog to jog + On with a kind King Log. + But in the fulness of the time, there came + A would-be monarch--Legion his fit name; + A Plebs-appointed Autocrat, Stork-throated, + Goggle-eyed, Paul-Pry-coated; + A poking, peering, pompous, petty creature, + A Bumble-King, with beak for its chief feature. + This new King Stork, + With a fierce, fussy appetite for work; + Not satisfied with fixing like a vice + Authority on Town and Country Mice, + Tried to extend his sway to pools and bogs, + And rule the Frogs! + But modern Frogdom, which had champions able, + Had read old-AEsop's fable, + And of King Stork's appearance far from amorous, + Croaked forth a chorus clamorous + Of resonant rebellion. These, upreared + On angry legs, waved arms that nothing feared; + King Log defending. Great CRAUGASIDES, + Among batrachian heroes first with ease, + With ventriloquial vehemence defied + The long-beaked base usurper. At his side + His fond companion, PHYSIGNATHUS swelled + Cheeks humorously defiant; + The ruddy giant + CRAMBOPHAGUS, as tall as is a Tree, + Flouted King Stork with gestures fierce and free, + Sleek CALAMINTHIUS, aper deft of eld, + Against the foe a pungent dart impelled; + HYDROCHARIS too, + (Most Terryble to view), + Fared to the front, whilst smaller, yet as brave + Tiny batrachian brethren, dusk of hue, + PRASSOPHAGUS, PRASSOEUS, staunch and true, + Webbed hands did wildly wave + With the frog-host against the beaky bird-- + "_He_ be our King?" they loudly cried. + "Absurd! + + Not Mercury, nor Jupiter _we_ beg + For a devouring despot, lank of leg, + Of prying eye, and frog-transfixing beak; + Though singly we seem weak, + United we are strong to smite or scoff. + Off, would-be tyrant, off!!!" + + * * * * * + +CHURCH AND STAGE.--Let no rabid Churchmen, of any school of thought, +ever again take exception to the irreligious character of playhouse +entertainments. Let them read the advertisement of the Lyceum Theatre +in _The Times_ for March 13:--"During Holy Week this theatre will be +closed, re-opening on Saturday, March 28, with _The Bells_, which +will also be played on Easter Monday night." Could any arrangement +be more thoroughly in harmony with general ecclesiastical practice? +Any liturgical student knows that the bells are played once on Holy +Saturday, and that they should be played on Easter Monday is a matter +of course. + + * * * * * + +TRACKS FOR THE TIMES. + + [A Magistrate has just decided that the Police have a right + to interfere with the growing practice of using the public + roads of the Metropolis at night-time as running-grounds for + athletes.] + + I come from haunts of smoke and grime, + I start in some blind alley, + And race each night against Old Time + Enthusiastically! + + I dodge past frightened City gents, + And sometimes send them flying, + Which makes them cherish sentiments + Not wholly edifying. + + I wind about, and in and out, + Along the crowded pavement, + While here and there the mockers flout + My costume and behavement. + + I slip, I slide, I flash, I flee + Amid the teeming traffic, + And drivers often use to me + Idioms extremely graphic. + + I murmur when a Lawyer's view + Absurdly tries to hinder + My turning public roads into + A private path of cinder. + + Yet still to "spurt," agile, alert, + Shall be my one endeavour; + For Cits may stare, and Jehus swear, + But I run on for ever! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLIZZARD. + +MRS. SELDOM-FESTIVE "AT HOME" (AND THE BEST PLACE TOO!), MARCH 9, +1891. + +(_10 to 1 Nobody turns up._)] + + * * * * * + +A DIARY OF DOVER. + +_March, 1891_.--Fearful storm in the Channel, when the _Victoria_ +is all but lost. Proposals in all the newspapers for the immediate +commencement of an adequate harbour. + +_April, 1892_.--Hurricane in the Channel, when seventeen ships are +lost, and the Club Train Boat (without passengers) is carried, high +and dry, as far as Amiens, by the force of the weather. Renewed +suggestions for the immediate building of an adequate harbour. + +_May, 1893_.--Cyclone in the Channel, in which the British Fleet +disappears. The newspapers once more urge the immediate commencement +of the proposed adequate harbour. + +_June, 1894_.--Disaster in the Channel. Every single vessel swamped, +owing to the terrific weather. Again the Press invites commencement of +an adequate harbour. + +_July, 1895_.--Members of both Houses of Parliament, invited to take +part in a State function at Calais, having been put to considerable +inconvenience, immediate orders are given for the prompt commencement +of the much-needed adequate harbour at Dover. + +_August, 19--_.--Proposed adequate harbour having employed the hands, +night and day, of thousands of workmen, at enormous expense (owing to +urgent pressure), is at length opened to the public, amidst universal +rejoicing. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHOeLM. + +ACT I. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershoelm, with a stove, flower-stand, + windows, ancient and modern ancestors, doors, and everything + handsome about it, REBECCA WEST is sitting knitting a large + antimacassar which is nearly finished. Now and then she looks + out of a window, and smiles and nods expectantly to someone + outside. Madam HELSETH is laying the table for supper._ + +_Rebecca_ (_folding up her work slowly_). But tell me precisely, what +about this White Horse? [_Smiling quietly._ + +_Madam Helseth_. Lord forgive you, Miss!--(_fetching cruet-stand, and +placing it on table_)--but you're making fun of me! + +_Rebecca_ (_gravely_). No, indeed. Nobody makes fun at Rosmershoelm. +Mr. ROSMER would not understand it. (_Shutting window._) Ah, here is +Rector KROLL. (_Opening door_.) You will stay to supper, will you not, +Rector, and I will tell them to give us some little extra dish. + +_Kroll_ (_hanging up his hat in the hall_). Many thanks. (_Wipes his +boots._) May I come in? (_Comes in, puts down his stick, sits down, +and looks about him._) And how do you and ROSMER get on together, eh? + +_Reb._ Ever since your sister, BEATA, went mad and jumped into the +mill-race, we have been as happy as two little birds together. (_After +a pause, sitting down in arm-chair._) So you don't really mind my +living here all alone with ROSMER? We were afraid you might, perhaps. + +_Kroll_. Why, how on earth--on the contrary, I shouldn't object at all +if you--(_looks at her meaningly_)--h'm! + +_Reb._ (_interrupting, gravely_). For shame, Rector; how can you make +such jokes! + +_Kroll_ (_as if surprised_). Jokes? We do not joke in these parts--but +here is ROSMER. + +[Illustration: "Taking off his gloves meaningly."] + + [_Enter ROSMER, gently and softly._ + +_Rosmer_. So, my dear old friend, you have come again, after a year's +absence. (_Sits down._) We almost thought that-- + +_Kroll_ (_nods_). So Miss WEST was saying--but you are quite mistaken. +I merely thought I might remind you, if I came, of our poor BEATA's +suicide, so I kept away. We Norwegians are not without our simple +tact. + +_Rosmer_. It was considerate--but unnecessary. REB--I _mean_, Miss +WEST and I often allude to the incident, do we not? + +_Reb._ (_strikes Taendstickor_). Oh, yes, indeed. (_Lighting lamp_.) +Whenever we feel a little more cheerful than usual. + +_Kroll_. You dear good people! (_Wanders up the room._) I came because +the Spirit of Revolt has crept into my School. A Secret Society +has existed for weeks in the Lower Third! To-day it has come to my +knowledge that a booby-trap was prepared for me by the hand of my own +son, LAURITS, and I then discovered that a hair has been inserted in +my cane by my daughter HILDA! The only way in which a right-minded +Schoolmaster can combat this anarchic and subversive spirit is to +start a newspaper, and I thought that you, as a weak, credulous, +inexperienced and impressionable kind of man, were the very person to +be the Editor. + + [_REB. laughs softly, as if to herself. ROSMER jumps up and + sits down again._ + +_Reb._ (_with a look at Rosmer_). Tell him now! + +_Rosmer_ (_returning the look_). I can't--some other evening. Well, +perhaps-- (_To KROLL._) I can't be your Editor--because (_in a low +voice_) I--I am on the side of LAURITS and HILDA! + +_Kroll_ (_looks from one to the other, gloomily_). H'm! + +_Rosmer_. Yes. Since we last met, I have changed my views. I am going +to create a new democracy, and awaken it to its true task of making +all the people of this country noblemen, by freeing their wills, and +purifying their minds! + +_Kroll_. What _do_ you mean? [_Takes up his hat._ + +_Rosmer_ (_bowing his head_). I don't quite know, my dear friend; it +was REB--I should say. Miss WEST's scheme. + +_Kroll_. H'm! (_A suspicion appears in his face._) Now I begin to +believe that what BEATA said about schemes--no matter. But, under the +circumstances, I will _not_ stay to supper. + + [_Takes up his stick, and walks out._ + +_Rosmer_. I _told_ you he would be annoyed, I shall go to bed now. I +don't want any supper. [_He lights a candle, and goes out; presently +his footsteps are heard overhead, as he undresses. REBECCA pulls a +bell-rope._ + +_Reb._ (_to Madam HELSETH, who enters with dishes_). No, Mr. ROSMER +will not have supper to-night. (_In a lighter tone._) Perhaps he is +afraid of the nightmare. There are so many sorts of White Horses in +this world! + +_Mad. H._ (_shaking_). Lord! lord! that Miss WEST--the things she does +say! [_REB. goes out through door, knitting antimacassar thoughtfully, +as Curtain falls._ + +ACT II. + + ROSMER's _study. Doors and windows, bookshelves, a + writing-table. Door, with curtain, leading to ROSMER's + bedroom. ROSMER discovered in a smoking-jacket cutting + a pamphlet with a paper-knife. There is a knock at the + door. ROSMER says, "Come in." REBECCA enters in a morning + wrapper and curl-papers. She sits on a chair close to ROSMER, + and looks over his shoulder as he cuts the leaves. Rector + KROLL is shown up._ + +_Kroll_ (_lays his hat on the table and looks at REB. from head to +foot_). I am really afraid that I am in the way. + +_Reb._ (_surprised_). Because I am in my morning wrapper and +curl-papers? You forget that I am _emancipated_, Rector KROLL. + + [_She leaves them and listens behind curtain in ROSMER's + bedroom._ + +_Rosmer_. Yes, Miss WEST and I have worked our way forward in faithful +comradeship. + +_Kroll_ (_shakes his head at him slowly_). So I perceive. Miss WEST +is naturally inclined to be forward. But, I say, _really_ you know-- +However, I came to tell you that poor BEATA was not so mad as she +looked, though flowers _did_ bewilder her so. (_Taking off his gloves +meaningly._) She jumped into the mill-race because she had an idea +that you ought to marry Miss WEST! + +_Rosmer_ (_jumps half up from his chair_). I? Marry--Miss WEST! +my good gracious, KROLL! I don't _understand_, it is _most_ +incomprehensible. (_Looks fixedly before him_.) How _can_ people-- +(_looks at him for a moment, then rises._) Will you get out? (_Still +quiet and self-restrained._) But first tell me why you never mentioned +this before? + +_Kroll_. Why? Because I thought you were both orthodox, which made all +the difference. Now I know that you side with LAURITS and HILDA, and +mean to make the democracy into noblemen, and accordingly I intend to +make it hot for you in my paper. _Good_ morning! [_He slams the door +with spite as_ REBECCA _enters from bed-room._ + +_Rosmer_ (_as if surprised_). You--in my bedroom! You have been +listening, dear? But you _are_ so emancipated. Ah, well! so our pure +and beautiful friendship has been misinterpreted, bespattered! Just +because you wear a morning wrapper, and have lived here alone for +a year, people with coarse souls and ignoble eyes make unpleasant +remarks! But what really _did_ drive BEATA mad? _Why_ did she jump +into the mill-race? I'm sure we did everything we could to spare her! +I made it the business of my life to keep her in ignorance of all our +interests--_didn't_ I, now? + +_Reb._ You did--but why brood over it? What _does_ it matter? Get on +with your great, beautiful task, dear, (_approaching him cautiously +from behind_), winning over minds and wills, and creating noblemen, +you know--_joyful_ noblemen! + +_Rosmer_ (_walking about, restlessly, as if in thought_). Yes, I +know. I have never laughed in the whole course of my life--we ROSMERS +don't--and so I felt that spreading gladness and light, and making +the democracy joyful, was properly my mission. But _now_--I feel too +upset to go on, REBECCA, unless-- (_Shakes his head heavily._) Yes, an +idea has just occurred to me--(_looks at her, and then runs his hands +through his hair_)--oh, my goodness, no--I _can't_. + + [_He leans his elbows on table._ + +_Reb._ Be a free man to the full, ROSMER--tell me your idea. + +_Rosmer_ (_gloomily_). I don't know what you'll say to it. It's this. +Our platonic comradeship was all very well while I was peaceful and +happy. Now that I'm bothered and badgered, I feel--_why_, I can't +exactly explain, but I _do_ feel that I must oppose a new and living +reality to the gnawing memories of the past. I should, perhaps, +explain that this is equivalent to an Ibsenian proposal. + +_Reb._ (_catches at the chairback with joy_). How? at _last_--a rise +at last! (_Recollects herself._) But what am I about? Am I not an +emancipated enigma? (_Puts her hands over her ears as if in terror._) +What are you saying? You mustn't. I can't _think_ what you mean. Go +away, do! + +_Rosmer_ (_softly_). Be the new and living reality. It is the only way +to put BEATA out of the Saga. Shall we try it? + +_Reb._ Never! Do not--_do_ not ask me why--for I haven't a notion--but +never! (_Nods slowly to him and rises._) White Horses would not induce +me! (_With her hand on door-handle._) Now you _know_! [_She goes out._ + +_Rosmer_ (_sits up, stares thunderstruck at the stove, and says to +himself_). Well--I--_am_-- [_Quick Curtain._ + + [The remaining two Acts of this subtle psychological study + unavoidably held over.] + + * * * * * + +"KEEP YOUR HARE ON!" + +[Illustration: Hare's Theatre.] + +In not following the advice given in the headline to this article, +clever Mr. PINERO has made a mistake. _Lady Bountiful_ with only a +very little HARE is a disappointment. The majority of those who go to +"Hare's Theatre" (they don't speak of it as "The Garrick") go to see +the Lessee and Manager in a new part: and they go to see a lot of him: +they don't ask merely for a small piece of HARE, if you please, though +they might be satisfied with HARE in a small piece. Everyone goes +expecting to see him in a good part in a good Comedy, his good part +being equal to the better part of the whole entertainment; and if they +don't so see him, they are disappointed. Why was Mr. GRUNDY's happy +translation of _Les Oiseaux_ peculiarly successful? because it was +a light, fresh, and pretty piece, wherein the occasional phrase in +a minor key was so artistically introduced as to be a relish to our +enjoyment of the humour of the characters and of the situations; but +all this would have gone for comparatively little had it not been +for the excellence of Mr. HARE's rendering of the first-rate part +of _Goldfinch_, which did not consist of occasional flashes, only to +collapse and disappear in the penultimate Act, but continued right +through to the end, dominating everything and everybody. This is not +so with _Lady Bountiful_. The appearance of _Roderick Heron_, who is +no creation of the Author's, as he admits, but merely _Mr. Skimpole_ +under another name, raises hopes at the commencement, which are +blighted long before the finish. The part gutters out, as does Mr. +CHARLES GROVE's _John Veale_, another "promise of spring." Young Mr. +GILBERT HARE makes a most creditable first appearance as _Sir Lucian +Brent, Bart_. He is easy and natural. + +For the greater part of the educated audience, it might have been +more useful if _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, had gone about with an +old Eton Latin Grammar in his pocket, instead of a _Horace_; and if +Miss KATE RORKE had divided with him the quotation, "_Nemo mortalium +omnibus horis sapit._" He, being rejected, might have commenced, +"_Nemo mortalium_," and she might have continued, "_omnibus horis_;" +then, both together, "_sapit_." Or when she had snubbed him, he +might have made some telling remark about "_Verbum personale_," and +so forth. The introduction of a quotation from _Horace_ is likely +rather to be resented than appreciated by the victims of a superior +education. What a bad quarter of an hour or so Paterfamilias will have +when Materfamilias asks him for the translation of these lines from +_Horace_! Poor Pater will pretend not to have "quite caught them;" or +"not been attending;" but to himself he will own how entirely he has +forgotten his Latin, and perhaps he will make a good resolution to +himself to "look up his _Horace_ again." Then the learned young lady +will be asked by her Mamma, or by her sharp young bothering sister, +"what that Latin means," and though she might be able to construe +it when she sees it, to translate it offhand at one hearing is a +difficulty, and she will evade the question by saying, "Please, don't +talk! I want to listen to the piece." + +The youth in the Stalls, fresh from college or school, will be about +as much equal to the translation offhand as is young _Sir Lucian +Brent_ when asked by Mr. CATHCART to give the meaning of the Latin on +the ancient brasses in the old church, and they won't thank you for +bringing school studies into playtime. On the whole, nothing is gained +by this Dr. Panglossian introduction of Latin quotation; it doesn't +help the action, nor emphasise a character, nor does it strengthen a +situation, to bring in even the most appropriate lines which are not +"in a language understanded of the people." _Sir Richard Philliter, +Q.C._, might be known in private life to his friends as Sir HORACE +DAVUS (_Non Oedipus_). Mr. CATHCART's _Pedgrift_, parish clerk and +sexton, is an excellent little character-sketch, as is also that of +_Mrs. Hornutt_, the pew-opener. + +As for Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and Miss KATE RORKE, they seemed to me to +be what the author had made them--i.e., stagey. Miss DOLORES DRUMMOND, +as _Mrs. Veale_, is very good, and Miss MARIE LINDEN, except in one +stagey bit in the Third Act, plays with great care and judgment. +The interior of the old country church (Act III.) is a masterpiece +of scenic art and stage arrangement,--a perfect picture by Mr. +W. HARFORD. I wish I could say the same of the _denoument_ of the +interrupted marriage, which strongly reminded me of a pictorial +heading to some exciting chapter in a penny novelette or _The London +Journal_. It is a very weak finish, and not strengthened or improved +in any way by the line _Sir Richard Philliter, Q.C._, has to say, +on which the Curtain descends. And what does everybody exclaim +afterwards? Simply, "Why there's nothing for HARE to do in it. We +thought we should see him again, and that he would come out all +right at last." That's the feeling. They can't bear the idea of their +favourite first-class Comedian being a sordid, swindling old villain, +unless the character be exceptionally amusing. _Lady Bountiful_ might +be termed "A bald piece," because it has so little HARE. + + * * * * * + +THE BOAT-RACE TEN YEARS HENCE! + +(_WHEN NO DOUBT IT WILL BE CONDUCTED ON STRICTLY SCIENTIFIC +PRINCIPLES._) + +The crews were met together on the day fixed for the event in the +Council Room of the Combined Universities Barge moored at Putney. +Fifteen of the athletes wore the usual training _mufti_, which +contrasted strongly with the garb of the sixteenth--a complete suit +of flannels. "To quote our ancestors--'Why this thusness?'" asked the +Camford Stroke, as he recognised one of his own men in this strange +apparel. + +"Why not?" replied the other; "surely we are not going to pull in +tweeds?" + +"We are not going to pull at all," explained the leader of the +Oxbridge Eight, courteously; "I think we can manage the matter in a +more satisfactory fashion. It was all very well in the Nineties to +race in real earnest, but now that we have reached the Twentieth +Century our civilisation teaches something better." + +"Certainly!" returned the Camford Stroke; "and I think we had +better get at once to business. Who has the sworn information of our +respective coaches?" + +"I have," replied the Hon. Solicitor to the rival Boating Clubs; "and, +if you will allow me, I will produce them--or rather _it_, for the +coaches have affirmed jointly." + +All present bowing acquiescence, the man of law, putting on his +spectacles, and opening a brief-bag, produced a document, and read as +follows:-- + +"It is our opinion that Oxbridge, as the heavier crew, has an +advantage over Camford, which is only lessened, and certainly not +entirely removed, by the better training of the latter. Moreover, +the steering of the Oxbridge coxwain is infinitely preferable to the +steering of his rival. The times of the various trials, too, have in +every instance given a distinct advantage to Oxbridge. Again, they +have a better boat. So, given fine weather, the result is a foregone +conclusion. Oxbridge must win, although no doubt Camford would make a +good fight for it, and come in a respectable second." + +"I suppose we may add, 'barring accidents'?" suggested the Camford +Stroke, with rather a forced laugh. + +"Sir!" exclaimed the Hon. Solicitor, with some severity. "In a company +of gentlemen like those present, accidents always _are_ barred!" + +"Quite so," admitted the Camford champion, "and I suppose our +committee of the latest Senior Wrangler and the youngest Double First +have considered what I may call the atmospheric conditions under which +the race would have taken place?" + +"Yes, Sir, we have, and those conditions are all unfavourable to the +success of Camford," was the ready reply. + +"Then I think we have but one more thing to do--to give three hearty +cheers for our opponents." said the Oxbridge Stroke, and a minute +later the rafters rang with loud applause. + +"But why shouldn't we have rowed it out?" asked the gentleman in +flannels--he was a Freshman--a little later. "Surely that would have +been more satisfactory." + +"Not at all," was the reply. "The plan is merely a survival of the +fittest!" and his answer afforded general satisfaction. + + * * * * * + +SHELLEY REVISED. + + Most rhyming men + Are cradled into poetry by fashion, + And learn as formula what they print as passion. + + * * * * * + +_The Development of Africa_, by A.S. WHITE, is advertised. This +is White on Black, and no player in hand. It should be immediately +followed by _Black on White, or Who takes the Pool?_ Exciting match, +with one life each. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONFUSION WORSE CONFOUNDED. + +_Jones_. "CON-FOUND IT ALL! SOMEBODY'S TAKEN _MY_ HAT, AND LEFT THIS +FILTHY, BEASTLY, SHABBY OLD THING INSTEAD!" + +_Brown_. "A--I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT _THAT_ HAPPENS TO BE _MY_ HAT!"] + + * * * * * + +KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +_HEAD GROOM B-LF-R LOQ._:-- + + Kept in! Yes, by thunder! Be 't prudence or blunder, + Gov's fondness for _Tithe_, or bad weather, or what, + You're kept in the stable, though fit, ay, and able + To lead the whole field and to win by a lot. + A hunter I never bestrode half as clever! + _Tithe_? Pooh! _He_'s not in it, my beauty, with you. + You've breed, style, and mettle, and look in rare fettle. + If _I_ had to settle, you know what _I_'d do! + + These gentlemen-riders deem all are outsiders + Save them: as if gent ever made A 1 jock! + Ah! ADAM L. GORDON,[1] poor chap, had a word on + Such matters. I'll warrant _he_ sat like a rock, + And went like a blizzard. Yes, beauty, it _is_ hard + To eat off your head in the stable like this. + Too long you have idled; but wait till you're bridled! + _The_ hunt of the season I swear you won't miss, + + It has been hard weather, although, beauty, whether + 'Tis that altogether your chance that postponed, + Or whether Boss SOLLY committed a folly-- + No matter! A comelier crack he ne'er owned, + Although 'tis I say it who shouldn't. The way it + Has snowed and has frozen may be his excuse; + But when you're once started, deer-limbed, lion-hearted, + I warrant, my beauty, you'll go like the deuce. + + "A lean head and fiery, strong quarters, and wiry, + A loin rather light, but a shoulder superb," + That's GORDON's description of _Iseult_. (All whip shun + When riding such rattlers, and trust to the curb.) + That mare was your sort, lad. I guess there'll be sport, lad, + When _you_ make strong running, and near the last jump. + And you, when extended, look "bloodlike and splendid." + Ah! poor LINDSAY GORDON was sportsman and trump. + + I see your sleek muzzle in front! It will puzzle + Your critics, my boy, to pick holes in you then: + There's howling "HISTORICUS,"--he's but a sorry cuss! + WEG, too, that grandest of all grand old men; + He's ridden some races; of chances and paces, + Of crocks _versus_ cracks he did ought to be judge. + He sees you are speedy; when MORLEY sneers "Weedy," + Or LAB doubts your staying, WEG knows it's all fudge! + + We're biding our time, lad. Your fettle is prime, lad; + Though we're frost-bound now, open weather must come, + At least after Easter; and, beauty, _when_ we stir. + And forge to the front, lad, we'll just make things hum. + In spite of much ruction concerning Obstruction, + I wish--_in a whisper_--we'd started before, + And, forcing the running, discarding all cunning, + Romped in--_as we will_--'midst a general roar! + +[Footnote 1: ADAM LINDSAY GORDON, the ardent, horse-loving Australian +poet.] + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY. + +_Ghosts_ at the Royalty. "Alas, poor Ghosts!" A shady piece. "No money +taken at the doors" on this occasion, which is making a virtue of +necessity. This being the case, _Ghosts_ was, and if played again +will, be witnessed by an audience mainly composed of "Deadheads." +Lively this. The Critics have spoken out strongly, and those +interested in this Ibsenity should read the criticisms presumably by +Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT in _The Telegraph_ and Mr. MOY THOMAS in _The Daily +News_. Stingers; but as outspoken as they are true, and just in all +their dealings with this Ibsenian craze. + + * * * * * + +"Les Oiseaux."--Mrs. RAM says she pities any unfortunate man whose +wife has a fearful temper. She knows one such husband who quite quails +before his wife, "and I'm not surprised," adds Mrs. R., "for I know +her, and she's a regular ptarmigan." + + * * * * * + +The Coming Census.--CARLYLE said, "The population of the British +Empire is composed of so many millions, mostly fools." Will the Census +be taken on the First of April? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KEPT IN THE STABLE. + +HEAD GROOM. "AH, MY BEAUTY!--YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH CHANCE YET--BUT WE +SHALL HAVE SOME OPEN WEATHER _AFTER EASTER_!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron can highly recommend _The Wages of Sin_, by LUCAS MALET. "I +am informed," says the B. DE B.-W., "that this is the _nom de plume_ +of an Authoress. This MALET should be Femalet." Be this as it may, the +Baron, who is discretion itself, will not attempt to penetrate beyond +the veil. Some of the writing is a bit tall; but thank heaven, my old +aesthetic friend, "O-the-pity-of-it" occurs only once; and O the pity +of it when he does so, and gives a "MAUDLE and POSTLETHWAITE" tone to +the passage in question. What does "huffle" mean? (Vol. III., p. 82.) +Genius has a right to create words; and when Genius does so, the very +sound of the word conveys its meaning with and frequently without the +context. "But I'm huffled," says the Baron, "if I understand it here." +Still "huffled" is a good-substitute for strong language, when you're +ruffled. Don't let the light-hearted reader be deterred by the slow +pace of Volume One; but stick to it, and avoid skipping. A selfish +mean cuss is the "hero," so to style him; and personally, the Baron +would consider him in Society as a first-class artistic bore. The +character is drawn with great skill, as are they all. The description +of _Mrs. Crookendon's_ after-dinner party is as life-like as if it +were a well-staged scene in a well-written and well-cast Drama. + +"I have been dipping into _Country House Sketches_, by C.C. RHYS," +says the Baron, "and have come to the conclusion that if the author, +youthful I fancy, would give himself time, and have the patience to +'follow my LEVER,' the result would be a _Jack Hinton Junior_, with +a smack of _Soapey Sponge_ in it." The short stories are all, more or +less, good, and would be still better but for a certain cocksureness +about them which savours of the man in a country house who will insist +on telling you a series of good stories about himself, one after the +other, until the guests in the smoking-room, in sheer despair of ever +getting their turn of talking about themselves, or of turning on +the tap of their own good stories, light their candles, yawn, and go +pensively to bed. + +My "Faithful Co." informs me that he has been reading some very +excellent _Sketches of England_, by a "Foreign Artist," and a "Foreign +Author." The latter is no less a person than the genial representative +of the _Journal des Debats_ in London, Mons. P. VILLARS. My "Co." +says that, take it all round, this is one of the best books upon _La +Perfide Albion_ he has ever read. Both scribe and illustrator are +evidently fond of the "Foreigners" they find in the British Isles. +Mons. VILLARS, however, makes one startling assertion, which has taken +my "Co," by surprise. The "Foreign Author" declares that "laughter +never struck his ears." Now our Monsieur is an admirable _raconteur_, +and if he ever told one of his capital stories to an Englishman of +average intelligence, he _must_ have heard laughter. He has also read +a rather strange work called, _What will Mrs. Grundy say?_ My "Co." +declares that, considering its subject, the book, which is not without +merit, might be recommended as a disciplinary exercise during Lent. + +Says "Co. Junior," to the Baron, "Sir, I've just come across AUSTIN +DOBSON and his _Four Frenchwomen_." "Hold!" cries the Baron, frowning. +"No scandal." "Nay, Sir," quoth "Co. Junior," nervously. "'tis but +the title of a book." "That is another thing," says the Baron, waving +his hand, "proceed!" "It is about Mlle. DE CORDAY, Madame ROLAND, +the Princesse DE LAMBALLE, and Madame DE GENLIS. I recommend it, +Sir. _Tolle, Lege!_ "And with a bow "Co. Junior," withdraws from the +presence. + +Quoth the Baron, "I was looking again into _Saint Monica_, just to see +if I might like it any better than I did on the first occasion--which, +"with me hand upon me hearrt," as Doctor O'Q. says, I cannot say +I do,--when I came upon the following misprint,--"_This woman, +nevertheless, worshipped him as the god of her idoltary._" It's a +beautiful word, "idoltary," and so much better than the ordinary way +of spelling it. So, after all, there is more in _Saint Monica_ than +I had expected. In fact, its chief fault is that it is too much spun +out; and, just at this time, _Saint Monica_ mustn't be associated in +any sort of way with the House at Cambridge where they spin. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TO A DEBUTANTE. + + Fair Maiden of unclouded brow + Who, gaily, 'mid the gay the gayest, + To England, Home, and Duty now + Oblation payest. + + Gay seeming,--if the milliner's + Can cheer, the florist's homage sightly; + And yet, unless my fancy errs, + Thou shudderest slightly. + + Is it a sigh for childhood's bliss, + A dread of what is coming, come what + May matrimonially--or is + It draughty somewhat? + + St. James's corridors are long + As Art, as Life thy raiment brief is + (Except the train, of course)--and strong + Mamma's relief is. + + In vulgar phrase, "Your mother knows + You're _out_," at length. Such triumphs too dear + Are sometimes purchased. I suppose + She fidgets you, dear. + + "The Countess!--bow, child, to the Earl!-- + Those terrible HYDE PARKES! Their posies + Look quite too vulgar; cut them, girl. + How red your nose is! + + "Quick! take the powder-puff, my love-- + Not on your bouquet or your hair now!-- + Don't bungle so; you'll drop that glove-- + Please take more care now. + + "You stoop like any _bourgeoise_ chit. + Who'd think you educated highly? + No, not so stiff. Do blush a bit, + And simper shyly." + + Ah! Maiden fair of cloudless air. + This kind of thing is hardly pleasant. + Indeed, I'm thankful not to wear + Thy shoes at present! + + * * * * * + +"THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM, TRA-LA!" + +[Illustration] + +In the _Times_ for March 12th appeared a notice of The Spring Flower +Show, wherein it was stated that a silver medal was awarded to Mr. +BARR for his "_pretty collections, which included the spurius Henry +Irving_." There's an "o" omitted, of course, but it's the same word. +Who is the "spurious HENRY IRVING"? Where does this flower of the +Drama flourish, away from the Lyceum Theatre? What and where does +HENRICUS SPURIUS play? Does he appear in the Hare-Bells? Is he to +bloom in Covent Garden? or is it, after all, only a plant? There is +only one HENRICUS IRVINGUS, and he's not "_spurius_." + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +HEALTH.--I am not an invalid, but I suffer from giddiness, a feeling +of suffocation, with excruciating pains, and apparent cessation of +the heart's action. I am also so nervous, that, whenever the door is +opened, I begin to scream loudly. My mental feebleness finds vent in +puns that have alienated my oldest friends. Could some Correspondent +explain these symptoms? I do not believe in Doctors, but am taking +"Soft-sawder's Emulgent Balsam of Aconitine." It does not seem to have +done me much good yet, but that is probably due to my not having tried +it long enough.--RATHER ANXIOUS. + + * * * * * + +A DANCING-ON-NOTHING GIRL.--Talk of _The Dancing Girl_ at the +Haymarket--of course people _will_ talk--why she's nothing to +the girls who dance to M. JACOBI's inimitable ballet-music at the +Alhambra. Here they have a magic show, which "puzzles the Quaker;" +and I don't mind admitting that I was the quaker when I saw a fair and +comely young lady up in the air standing still and dancing on nothing +at all! Certainly "Aerolithe" is as good as any of her marvellous +predecessors, the Vanishing Girl included. As a conjuror, Mr. CARL +HERTZ, who I take to be the inventor of the above illusion, is +also uncommonly neat, and this "Ten o'Clock," to all lovers of the +marvellous, can be recommended by + +THE FACULTY FOR AMUSEMENT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RANDOM ALADDIN. + +HIS ADVENTURES IN MASHONALAND. AN ARABIAN NIGHT'S DREAM. SNOOZE NO. +1.] + + * * * * * + +"OH, NO, WE NEVER MENTION HIM!" + + [HER MAJESTY in the evening witnessed the performance of _The + Gondoliers_, a Comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, + in the Waterloo Chamber, by the Savoy Theatre Company, under + the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.--_From the Times Court + Circular, Monday, March 9._] + +"A comic Opera, composed by Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN." Quite so. But where +does W.S. GILBERT come in? Let us see. After giving the programme, and +after giving all the characters and the supers, the words "_Dramatis +Personae_" occur as an after-thought, and underneath are the names +of the Musical Director, Stage Manager, Wig Provider, &c., &c. +Well, "W.S.G." doesn't come in here. After the highly successful +performance, R. D'OYLY CARTE, says the _Times_ C.C., "had the honour +of being presented to HER MAJESTY, who expressed her warm appreciation +of the manner in which the performance was conducted." Did R. D'OYLY +think of mentioning that "the words" were by W.S.G.? And then it +is told how D'OYLY refused to take any payment for the performance. +Noble, generous-hearted, large-minded, and liberal D'OYLY! Sir ARTHUR +COURTLY SULLIVAN's name was to the Bill, and so his consent to this +extra act of generosity may be taken for granted. But what said Sir +BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT? By the merry-maskins, but an he be not pleased, +dub me knight Samingo! Will D'OYLY be dubbed Knight? And what sort of +a Knight? Well, remembering a certain amusing little episode in the +more recent history of the Savoy Theatre, why not a "Carpet Knight"? + + * * * * * + +A MERE SUGGESTION FOR NEXT TIME.--Last Tuesday, under the heading of +"To-day," the _Times_ announced that "at the Society of Arts Mr. J. +STARKIE GARDNER, as Cantor Lecturer, would discourse on 'Enamelling +and Damascening,' Professor H. HERKOMER being in the Chair." Our +excellent Bushian Professor was the right man in the right place, +being so interested in theatrical matters; but, at the same time, +wouldn't the lecture on "Damascening," or "How to Dam-a-scene," have +been more suitably given at the Playwreckers' Club, with Mr. JERUMKY +JERUM in the Chair? + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE BELLS OF RICHMOND.--"Turn again, WHITTAKER, First Mayor of +Richmond." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW SECT. + +"AND IS THE NEW CURATE _MARRIED_, MRS. JENKINS?" + +"OH NO, MA'AM. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A _CHALYBEATE_!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9_.--Naval Estimates on again. +Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Counted Out on +Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply again; formal Motion +made by JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply distressed to think that +Government should have fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's +really shocking," he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful +homes to London at this inclement season, to do the work of the +nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on; +Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being found +there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out at half-past +eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally chucked away." + +"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard upon you, +sternly attending to your duty whilst others gambolled in the shade. +And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you were there when +the Count was made?" + +[Illustration: "Count" Cameron] + +"Well--er--you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact +is I wasn't there myself, though that, of course, does not deter +me from invoking censure on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that +the circumstance doesn't place me in a more favourable position. +Outsiders, you know, see most of game. I was outside; had, in fact, +comfortably gone off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to +make House. But they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it +hot for OLD MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here." + +Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. Condemnatory +Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42. + +House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore HARCOURT +appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, diffusing +unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Commodore looked very +imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards Mace, with telescope +under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over his ears, and unpolished +square-toed boots rising above his knees. A blizzard outside; snow +and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore soon made it hot all +round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly +claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval +resources for adequate adjective. Accused him of making a speech that +would have become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money; +threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by the +SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful STRAFFORD." + +Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the storm inside +House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody knew that the +Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. Few present to witness +the perturbed scene on the Treasury Bench:--OLD MORALITY huddled up +against GEORGIE HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper +into measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the +lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining +his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference to +STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins considerably more +than six foot high, stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet +beat a wild accompaniment on the melancholy windows. + +_Business done_.--Commodore HARCOURT goes again on the rampage. + +_Tuesday_.--HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured by +fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Friendly +Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be remembered +as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of +Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general voluntary +provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly dragged in the axiom +that "Sound principles of provident Insurance should be included +in the subjects prescribed by the Education Code for instruction in +elementary schools." That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded _a +merveille_. + +"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and folding +his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his kindly +countenance, "that reminds me of old days. Many a time have I written +out in my copybook, 'Take care of your Neighbour's Pence, and your own +Pounds will Take Care of Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it +away for a Rainy Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread'; +'A Bird in a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps +of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. HOWARD +VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our elementary +schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men like me. You +remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their copy-book headings, +and I don't care who makes their laws.' HOWARD VINCENT is on the right +tack; think we shall accept his Resolution." + +So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had foregone his +speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, "There you +are," Government would have accepted it, and he would have had a night +of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined +chances of the Resolution he recommended. + +[Illustration: Herbert Maxwell Performed his task well. _Anon._] + +HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government, +did his work admirably. After fearful _fiasco_ with CHAPLIN last +Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give young Ministers +opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If MAXWELL made a mull of +this, following on Friday week's catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be +serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake. +He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject. + +_Business done_.--House Counted Out again. + +_Thursday_.--An Irish night at last, Quite a long time since we talked +of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess that Ireland was to the +fore by looking at the Irish quarter. Usual when Prince ARTHUR is +on his feet expounding and defending his policy for Irish camp to be +bristling with contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there, +including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't turned +up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new Manifesto. Towards +midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the quietude, observed that he +didn't believe there was a single Irish Member present. Whereupon +NOLAN, waking from sleep, under shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted +out, "What?" TANNER, just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince +ARTHUR, and the conversation terminated. + +[Illustration: Mr. Swift McNeill "prating."] + +Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under discussion +is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR +asks for L55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to +obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote moved by Chief Secretary. +If they were there, they might be expected to say, "Thank you;" +so they stay away, one or two just looking in to contradict T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, SARK calls him--when he gave an account +of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland. + +_Business done_.--Relief voted for Irish Distress. + +_Friday Night_.--Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep just +now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can +comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince +ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Ground-rents in London. +Not, quite his subject; voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury +Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to +think of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern +Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother GERALD, +opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep +again. + +_Business done_.--Slept. + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE BACILLUS. + + [Not a week passes without our hearing of a fresh agent to + destroy the Bacillus.] + + Once I flourished unmolested, now my troubles never cease: + Man, investigating monster, will not let me rest in peace. + I am ta'en from friends and kindred, from my newly-wedded bride, + And exposed--it's really shameless--on a microscopic slide. + Sure some philbacillic person a Society should start + For Protection of Bacilli from the Doctor's baleful art. + + KOCH the evil game first started, and his lymph came squirming in. + But, 'twixt you and me, Bacilli did not care a single pin. + We went elsewhere in the body, and it only made us roam, + But it's hard, you must admit it, to be worried from your home, + And methinks the hapless patient had much rather we had rest, + When he finds us wildly rushing up and down his tortured breast. + + Then came BERNHEIM and his dodges; his specific is to flood + All the circulation freely with injections of goat's blood, + That is really rather soothing, and it doesn't seem to hurt, + Though they lacerate your feelings with an automatic squirt; + Time will show if it's effective, but 'twill be revenge most sweet + If the patients take to butting every single soul they meet. + + Next fierce LIEBRIECH, quite a savage, has declared that we shall die + Shattered and exacerbated by attacks of Spanish fly. + We should like to ask the patient if he thinks he'll live at ease, + With his system impregnated with that vile cantharides? + We perchance may fall before it, waging an unequal strife, + But it's any odds the patient will be blistered out of life. + + Therefore, O my friends, take heart, and these indignities endure, + Although every week brings news of an indubitable cure; + We have lived and flourished freely ever since the world began, + And our lineage is as ancient surely as is that of man; + While I'll venture the prediction, as a wind-up to my song, + That, despite these dreadful Doctors, we may haply live as long. + + * * * * * + +BLONDEL UP TO DATE. + +(_A FRAGMENT FROM A HISTORY OF THE FUTURE._) + +And so it happened that the King was taken and imprisoned, no one knew +whither. His followers, saving one, treated the matter very calmly. +The exception, who was supposed to be wanting in his wits (he played +on the barrel-organ), determined to do his best to rescue his Royal +Master; and an idea occurred to him. He had noticed that when he +performed on his musical instrument those who, perforce, were obliged +to listen to him acted strangely. Some of his audiences had frowned, +others had shaken their fists at him, and all had gone quickly away. +Only once had a loiterer stayed behind, smiling a sweet smile, as +if he were enjoying the music. To his regret, BLONDEL subsequently +ascertained that the apparently charmed listener was stone deaf. So he +argued that if his music had so great an effect upon the population +of his native village it would work marvels in the wide world without. +And thus, with a heart full of hope and courage, he started on his +travels. + +He wandered, turning the handle of his organ, for many a weary mile. +He passed through towns, hamlets, and cities; the people put their +heads out of their windows, and urged him imperiously to be gone; and +as he hurried away he gazed at their faces, hoping to have seen the +King, his Master, but without avail. He felt, that were His Majesty to +hear his music, there would be a farther supply of language savouring +rather of the dicing-house than the cathedral. But, alas! his search +was in vain. At length, he reached London, and found it as silent +as the grave! There were no German bands, no Niggers, not even a +hurdy-gurdy! Greatly surprised, BLONDEL asked a policeman the meaning +of this strange, this unlooked-for quietude! + +"Strike up that organ of yours," said the constable, surlily, "and I +will soon show you!" + +BLONDEL turned his handle, and was immediately arrested. + +"What for?" echoed the policeman; "why, for infringing the provisions +of the Jacobi Street Music Prohibition Act!" + +And with this brief explanation BLONDEL was carried off to prison! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 21, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13269.txt or 13269.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/6/13269/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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