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diff --git a/13253-h/13253-h.htm b/13253-h/13253-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9ab1ee --- /dev/null +++ b/13253-h/13253-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1870 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 21, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13253 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 21, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" + id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XIII.—THROUGH SPACE ON A FORMULA.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> RULES SPURN, <i>Author of "Gowned and Curled in + Eighty Stays," "Twenty Thousand Tweaks Sundered the Flea," "A + Tea with Ice," "A Doctor on Rocks and Peppermint," "A Cab-Fare + from 'The Sun,'" "The Confidence of the Continent," "Attorney + to Dissenters up at Perth," "Lieutenant Scattercash," + &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["This," writes the Author, "is one of my best and + freshest, although on a moderate computation it must be my + thousand and first, or so. But I have really lost count. + Still it's grand to talk in large numbers of leagues, + miles, vastnesses, secrets, mysteries, and impossible + sciences. Some pedants imagine that I write in French. + That's absurd, for every schoolboy knows (and lots of them + have told me) that I write only in English or in American. + I have some highly dried samples of vivid adventure ready + for immediate consumption. Twopence more and up goes the + donkey, up, up, up to be a satellite to an undiscovered + star. Brave Donkey! I follow."—R.S.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>The iceberg was moving. There was no doubt of it. Moving + with a terrible sinuous motion. Occasionally an incautious + ironclad approached like a foolish hen, and pecked at the + moving mass. Then there was a slight crash, followed by a mild + convulsion of masts, and spars, and iron-plates, and 100-ton + guns, then two or three gurgles and all was still. The iceberg + passed on smiling in triumph, and British Admirals wrote to the + <i>Times</i> to declare that they had known from the first that + H.M.S. <i>Thunderbomb</i> had been so faultily constructed, as + to make a contest with a hen-coop a certainty for the + hen-coop.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/85.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>And still the iceberg was moving. Within its central chamber + sat a venerable man, lightly clad in nankeen breeches, a cap of + liberty, and a Liberty silk shirt. He was writing + cabalistically. He did not know why, nor did he know what + "cabalistically" meant. This was his punishment. Why was he to + be punished? Those who read shall hear. The walls of the + chamber were fitted with tubes, and electric wires, and knobs + and buttons. A bright fire burned on the hearth. The thick + Brussels carpet was littered with pot-boilers, all fizzing, and + sputtering, and steaming, like so many young Curates at a Penny + Reading. Suddenly the Philosopher looked up. He spoke to + himself. "Everything is ready," he said, and pressed a button + by his side. There was a sound as of a Continent expectorating, + a distant nose seemed to twang, the door opened, and a tall + lantern-jawed gentleman, wearing a goat-beard and an expression + of dauntless cunning, stepped into the room.</p> + + <p>"I guess you were waiting round for me," said Colonel + ZEDEKIAH D. GOBANG (for it was indeed he), and sat down in an + empty armchair, as if nothing had happened.</p> + + <p>The Philosopher appeared not to notice. "Next character, + please," he said, pulling out a long stop, and placing his + square leg on the wicket which gave admission to his + laboratory, while he waited for the entrance of the Third Man. + There came a murmur like the buzz of a ton of blasting powder, + in a state of excitement. A choir of angels seemed to whisper + "Beefsteak and Pale Ale," as Lord JOHN BULLPUP dashed, without + a trace of emotion, into the room, and sneezed three times + without stopping to wipe his boots on the mat.</p> + + <p>"One more," said the Philosopher. He hurled himself, feet + first, at the ceiling, knocked his head against the floor, and + called down the tube. "<i>J'y suis!</i>" came the answer, and + the typical, light-hearted Frenchman, M. le Docteur REVERSI, + with his thousand thunders, and his blue lower chest, tripped + jauntily up to the other three. "And now," remarked the + Philosopher, "we have got the lot complete. The story can + start. Hurry up! Hark forrard! <i>En avant!</i>"</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>"Lend me your ears," said the Philosopher. They lent them, + but without interest. Yet they were all keen business men. + "Attention, my friends!" he continued, somewhat annoyed. "You + know why I have summoned you. We have to make another journey + together. The moon, the sea, the earth—we have voyaged + and journeyed to them, and they are exhausted. It remains to + visit the Sun, and to perform the journey in an iceberg. Do you + see? Colonel GOBANG will supply the craft, Lord JOHN BULLPUP + the stupid courage, and you, M. le Docteur," he added, + admiringly, "will of course take the cake."</p> + + <p>He paused, and waited for Lord JOHN's reply. It came prompt, + and in the expected words.</p> + + <p>"Is it a plum-pudding cake?" said Lord JOHN. The rest + laughed heartily. They loved their jokes, small and old.</p> + + <p>"Are we agreed?"</p> + + <p>"We are."</p> + + <p>"Have you anything to ask?"</p> + + <p>"Nothing. When do we start?"</p> + + <p>"We are on our way."</p> + + <p>"Shall we not melt as we approach?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly not."</p> + + <p>"How so?"</p> + + <p>"We shall have a constant frost."</p> + + <p>"Are you sure?"</p> + + <p>"Certain. I have taken in a supply of <i>Matinées</i>, and a + stock of Five-act Tragedies."</p> + + <p>"Good. But how to raise the wind?"</p> + + <p>Scarcely, had the question been asked, when a frightful + explosion shook the iceberg to its foundations. The Doctor + rushed to the gasbag. It was empty. He frowned. Lord JOHN was + smoking his pipe; the Colonel was turning over the pages of an + old Algebra. He muttered to himself, "That ought to figure it + out. If <i>x</i> = the amount of non-compressible fluid + consumed by a given labourer in <i>y</i> days, find, by the + substitution of poached eggs for kippered herrings, how many + tea-cups it will take to make a transpontine hurricane. Yes," + he went on, "that's it. Yes, Sirree." And at these words the + vast mass of congealed water rose majestically out of the + ocean, and floated off into the nebular hypothesis. But the + Philosopher had vanished.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>When the explosion narrated in the last chapter took place, + the Philosopher had been looking out of the window. The shock + had hurled him with the speed of a pirate 'bus through the air. + Soon he became a speck. Shortly afterwards he reached a point + in his flight situated exactly 40,000 miles over a London + publisher's office. There was a short contest. Centrifugal and + centripetal fought for the mastery, and the latter was + victorious. The publisher was at home. The novel was accepted, + and the Philosopher started to rejoin his comrades lost in the + boundless tracts of space.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>"My faith," said Lord JOHN, "I am getting tired of this. + Shall we never reach the Sun?"</p> + + <p>"Courage, my friend," was the well-known reply of the brave + little Doctor. "We deviated from our course one hair's-breadth + on the twelfth day. This is the fortieth day, and by the + formula for the precession of the equinoxes, squared by the + parallelogram of an ellipsoidal bath-bun fresh from the glass + cylinder of a refreshment bar, we find that we are now + travelling in a perpetual circle at a distance of one billion + marine gasmeters from the Sun. I have now accounted for the + milk in the cocoa-nut."</p> + + <p>"But not," said the Philosopher, as he popped up through a + concealed trap-door, "for the hair outside. That remains for + another volume." With that, he rang a gong. The iceberg + splintered into a thousand pieces. The voyagers were each + hurled violently down into their respective countries, where a + savage public was waiting to devour them.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TOLSTOI ON TOBACCO.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Count TOLSTOI has been declaiming against Tobacco in + <i>The Contemporary Review</i>, and this in no way + exaggerates his views.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>TOLSTOI fuming, in a pet,</p> + + <p>Raves against the cigarette;</p> + + <p>Says it's bad at any time,</p> + + <p>Leads to every kind of crime;</p> + + <p>And the man who smokes, quoth he,</p> + + <p>Is as wicked as can be.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>TOLSTOI knew a man who said</p> + + <p>He cut off a woman's head;</p> + + <p>But, when half the deed was done.</p> + + <p>Lo, the murderer's courage gone!</p> + + <p>And he finished, 'tis no joke,</p> + + <p>Only by the aid of smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>TOLSTOI asks us, when do boys</p> + + <p>First essay Nicotian joys?</p> + + <p>And he answers, quite aghast,</p> + + <p>When their innocence is past.</p> + + <p>Gamblers smoke, and then again</p> + + <p>Smoking pleases the insane.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>TOLSTOI, when he writes this stuff,</p> + + <p>Swears he's serious enough;</p> + + <p>Lately Marriage earned his sneers;</p> + + <p>At Tobacco now he jeers;</p> + + <p>Proving that, without the weed,</p> + + <p>Some folks may be mad indeed.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" + id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THE SERENADE; OR, OVER THE GARDEN WALL.</h3>(<i>Latest + Transatlantic + Version.</i>)<a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/86.png" + alt="THE SERENADE; OR, OVER THE GARDEN WALL." /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Replying to Sir JOHN MACDONALD's manifesto, Mr. MERCIER + said it was ridiculous to say that reciprocity was veiled + treason, and meant annexation to the United + States."—<i>Times' Montreal Correspondent</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Uncle Sam (twangling his patent Reciprocity Banjo) + sings</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, my love my passion can hear—and see,</p> + + <p class="i4">Over the garden wall;</p> + + <p>She is sighing, and casting sheeps' eyes at me,</p> + + <p class="i4">Over the garden wall:</p> + + <p>Miss CANADA muses; look at her there!</p> + + <p>My wooing and BULL's she is bound to + compare,</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" + id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span> + + <p>And she pretty soon will to join me prepare,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6"><i>Chorus</i> (<i>pianissimo</i>).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall,</p> + + <p class="i6">O sweetest girl of all!</p> + + <p class="i2">Come along do, you'll never regret;</p> + + <p class="i2">We were made for one another, you + bet!</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis time our lips in kisses met,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your father will stamp and your father will + rave,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall;</p> + + <p>And like an old madman no doubt will behave,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall.</p> + + <p>M'KINLEY has riled him, he's lost his head.</p> + + <p>MAC's Tariff is stiff, but if me you'll wed,</p> + + <p>I'll give Reciprocity, darling, instead,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6"><i>Chorus</i> (<i>piano</i>).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall!</p> + + <p class="i6">MACDONALD is bound to fall.</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis MAC against MAC, my Canadian + pet.</p> + + <p class="i2">And M'KINLEY is bound to win, you + bet!</p> + + <p class="i2">So join <i>me</i>, dear; we'll be happy + yet,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One day you'll jump down on the other side,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall;</p> + + <p>There's plenty of room, and my arms are wide.</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall:</p> + + <p>JOHNNY may jib, and Sir JOHN may kick,</p> + + <p>I have an impression I'll lick them—slick;</p> + + <p>So come like a darling and join me quick,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6"><i>Chorus</i> (<i>forte</i>).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall!</p> + + <p class="i6">Dollars, dear, rule us all.</p> + + <p class="i2">Patriot sentiment's pretty, and yet</p> + + <p class="i2">Interest sways in the end, you bet!</p> + + <p class="i2">MERCIER's right; so pop, my pet,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where there's a will there's always a way,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall!</p> + + <p>MACDONALD's a Boss, but he's had his day,</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall!</p> + + <p>Tariffs take money, but weddings are cheap,</p> + + <p>So wait till old JOHNNY is snoring asleep,</p> + + <p>Then give him the slip, and to JONATHAN creep.</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6"><i>Chorus</i> (<i>fortissimo</i>).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Over the garden wall!</p> + + <p class="i6"><i>Your</i> "Grand Old Man" may + squall,</p> + + <p class="i2">And swear Miss CANADA's loyal yet.</p> + + <p class="i2">But loyalty bows to Dollars—you + bet!</p> + + <p>'Tis time our lips in union met</p> + + <p class="i6">Over the Garden Wall!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left twangling seductively.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>QUEER QUERIES.</h3> + + <p>DOMESTIC SERVICE.—My General Servant has just left me + suddenly, on the ridiculous excuse that she was being "killed + by overwork." She was not required to rise before 5 A.M., and + she was generally in bed by twelve. Our house is not large, + though rather lofty, and there are only fifteen in family. Of + course I shall not pay her any wages, and shall retain her + boxes; but how can I <i>really</i> punish her for her shameful + desertion?—CONSIDERATE.</p> + + <p>HAIR FALLING OFF.—My hair is coming off, not slowly, + but in one great circular patch at the top of the head. A + malicious report has in consequence been spread abroad in the + neighbourhood that I have been <i>scalped</i>! What course + ought I to adopt to (1) recover damages against my traducers, + and (2) recover my hair?—LITTLE WOOL.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LIGHTS O' LONDON.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The first practical constructive step towards lighting + the City of London by means of electricity, was taken + yesterday (Feb. 3), when the LORD MAYOR placed in position + the first stone of the main junction-box for the electric + conductors, at the top of Walbrook, close under the shadow + of the western walls of the Mansion + House."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/87.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/87.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bill Sikes</i>. "WELL, I <i>HAM</i> BLOWED! IF + THEY'RE GOIN' TO 'AVE THIS BEASTLY 'LECTRIC LIGHT ALL OVER + THE PLACE—WOT'S TO BECOME OF <i>HUS</i>?"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. William Sikes, Junior, loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, I <i>ham</i> blowed! I say, look 'ere, you + NANCY!</p> + + <p class="i2">Old Gog and Magog <i>is</i> woke up + at last!</p> + + <p>Goin' to hilluminate the City. Fancy!!</p> + + <p class="i2">When this yer 'Lectric light is + fairly cast</p> + + <p>On every nook and corner, hole and entry</p> + + <p class="i2">Of London, you and me is done, + to-rights.</p> + + <p>A Slop at every street-end standin' sentry,</p> + + <p>Won't spile our game like lots o' 'Lectric + Lights.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Lights o' London? Yah! That's bin all + boko.</p> + + <p class="i2">Were London <i>lighted</i>, how could + you and me</p> + + <p>Garotte a swell, or give a tight 'un toko?</p> + + <p class="i2">We ain't got arf a chance where coves + can <i>see</i>.</p> + + <p>'Tis darkness plays our game, and we've 'ad + plenty,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this means mischief, or my name + ain't BILL.</p> + + <p>Wy, not one pooty little plant in twenty</p> + + <p class="i2">Could we pull orf if <i>light</i> + spiled pluck and skill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's beastly, NAN, that's wot it is. Wy, + blimy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Narrer ill-lighted streets is our + best friends.</p> + + <p>Yer dingy nooks and slums, sombre and slimy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is gifts wot Prowidence most kyindly + sends</p> + + <p>To give hus chaps a chance of perks and + pickins;</p> + + <p class="i2">But if the Town's chock-full of "arc" + and "glow,"</p> + + <p>With you and me, NAN, it will play the + dickens.</p> + + <p class="i2">We must turn 'onest, NAN, and + <i>that</i>'s no go!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Ang Science! Ile lamps and old + Charlies—bless 'em!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Wos good for trade, <i>our</i> trade. + Ah! if my dad</p> + + <p>Could see 'ow Larnin', Law, and Light oppress + 'em,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our good old cracksmen-gangs, he'd go + stark mad.</p> + + <p>As for the <i>Hartful Dodger</i> and old + <i>Fagin</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! they're well hout of it. Wot + could they do</p> + + <p>With Science and her bloomin' fireworks + plaguin'</p> + + <p class="i2">Their hartfullest little games the + whole Town through?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our only 'ope, my NAN, is in the Noodles,</p> + + <p class="i2">There's still some left in London + I'll be bound.</p> + + <p>To lurk a crib, prig wipes, sneak ladies' + poodles,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gits 'arder every day; we're watched + all round.</p> + + <p>Many a programme wot looks vastly pooty,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mucked by the mugs, leads on to wus + and wus.</p> + + <p>But if they <i>do</i> light up the dim, cramped, + sooty.</p> + + <p class="i2">Gog-ruled old Town—<i>wot's</i> + to become of <i>hus</i>?</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MOST APPROPRIATE.—The Bishop of DURHAM has appointed + Mr. T. DIBDIN Chancellor of the Diocese of Durham. He already + holds the Chancellorships of Exeter and Rochester. Three + Chancellorships, all on the high sees too! "THOMAS DIBDIN" is + the right man in the right place.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROVERB "UP TO DATE."—"Cumming events cast their + shadows before." And let's hope the shadows will be speedily + dispelled.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" + id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Handbook to Honesty.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. VIII.-"SOLD AGAIN!"</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>An Auction-room, breathing an air of + solid, if somewhat Philistinish suburban comfort and + respectability. Amidst a labyrinthine accumulation of + household furniture, a number of people are dispersed, many + of them substantial-looking middle-class male and female + "buyers," with lists and lead-pencils, on the look-out for + "bargains," a sprinkling of the ancient race, and an outer + fringe of casual, lounging, lookers-on. The gentleman in + the rostrum is a voluble personage, with a rapidly roving + eye, of preternatural quickness in picking up "bids." + Attendants, shaggy men, in soiled shirt-sleeves, with + saw-dusty whiskers, and husky voices. A pleasant-faced</i> + Paterfamilias, <i>and his</i> "Good lady," <i>are + discovered inspecting a solidly-built, well-seasoned, + age-toned chest of mahogany drawers</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Paterfamilias</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). Just what you + want, my dear, as far as I can see. What do <i>you</i> + think?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/88-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/88-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Materfamilias</i>. <i>I</i> like the look of them much, + JOHN. None of your new, cheap, thinly-veneered, blown-together + rubbish, smelling of shavings and French-polish. Solid + ma'ogany, every bit; the drawers run as smoothly as could be + wished, and—see! if there ain't actually some sprigs of + dry lavender still a laying in 'em!</p> + + <p><i>Paterfamilias</i> (<i>decidedly</i>). Just so, my dear, I + shall certainly bid for them. [<i>Marks his catalogue + vigorously.</i></p> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i> (<i>dropping his hammer smartly</i>). + Sold! Remove the first-class feather-bed, SAM. Buyer o' + <i>that</i> has a bargain! (<i>Nodding blandly to pleased + purchaser</i>). Really the prices at which things are going + to-night are ruinous! 'Owever, there's no reserve, and the + lucky public gets the pull. The next article, Ladies and Gents, + No. 471, is a very superior, well-made, fully-seasoned, solid + Spanish, ma'ogany chest of drawers. Chest o' drawers, SAM! + (<i>To</i> Paterfamilias.) <i>Would</i> you mind standing a + inch or so aside, Sir? Thanks! There they are, Ladies and + Gentlemen, open to hinspection, and warranted to bear it. An + unusually excellent lot, fit for the sleeping-apartment of a + prince, at a price within the means of a pork-butcher. + (<i>Laughter.</i>) Oh, it's righteous, Gents. No 'umbug about + <i>me</i>. There's quality, if you like. Well worth a ten-pun + note. What shall I have the pleasure of saying for this very + superior article? 'Ow much for the chest o' drawers? Who bids + for the ma'ogany chest? Thirty shillings. Thank you, Sir! Any + advance on thirty shillings? Thirty-five! <i>And</i> six! + Thirty-five-and-six for this very desirable little lot! Worth + five times the amount, Ladies, as <i>you</i> know! What do you + think. Mum? [<i>To</i> Materfamilias, <i>who smiles vaguely, + and looks at her husband.</i></p> + + <p><i>Paterfamilias</i>. Two pounds! [<i>Feels he has made an + impression.</i></p> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i>. Two pounds! (<i>Confidentially to</i> P.) + <i>Your</i> good lady knows a good bit o' stuff when she sees + it, Sir! Two pounds for the chest! Two pounds! Any advance on a + couple o' pounds? All done at two pounds? Going at two pounds! + (<i>Meeting silence, pretends to hear another bid</i>). + Two-pun-ten! Quite right, Sir! Very foolish to lose such a + superior harticle for a pound or two. Going at two-pun-ten! + Larst time, two-pun ten! Going—going—g—</p> + + <p><i>Paterfamilias</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Two-fifteen!</p> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i> (<i>cheerily</i>). Two-fifteen! (<i>Taking + other imaginary bids</i>.) Three-pounds! Three-five! (<i>Thank + you, Madam</i>). Three-ten! Going at three-ten! Last time, + three-ten! (<i>To</i> Paterfamilias.) Are <i>you going to lose + it, Sir?</i> Worth double, I assure you! Ask your good + lady!</p> + + <p><i>Materfamilias</i> (<i>aside</i>). Bid three-fifteen, + JOHN, but not a penny more!</p> + + <p><i>Paterfamilias</i> (<i>weakly</i>). Three-fifteen!</p> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i>. Three-fifteen! Four! Going at four! Last + time at four! All done, four! Going, going—gone! + (<i>Drops hammer</i>.) Sold at four pounds, SAM! (<i>Looks + round</i>.) Who bid four? [<i>No response, as the last bid was + imaginary.</i></p> + + <p><i>Sam</i> (<i>huskily</i>). Gen'l'man as bid four jest + slipped hout, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Auctioneer</i> (<i>tartly</i>). Tut—tut—tut! + <i>Too</i> bad, really. Well, Sir, then I must take <i>your</i> + bid. Sold to this Gentleman, SAM, at Three-fifteen!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Paterfamilias, <i>highly pleased, pays deposit, and + arranges to send for his bargain in the morning. As he and + his "good lady" leave, they notice close by, three men with + barrows, each bearing a blazingly red and strongly-smelling + chest of drawers</i>. Materfamilias <i>complacently remarks + on the manifest superiority of the article they have + purchased, to</i> "that <i>red rubbish." Next morning they + receive, instead of their own "bargain," one of those + identical brand-new, badly-made, unseasoned, + thinly-veneered "shop 'uns," which are "blown together" by + the gross for such purposes. They protest, but vainly, + notwithstanding their true assertion that the drawers they + received contain "fresh shavings" instead of the "sprigs of + blooming lavender" they had observed in those they thought + they had purchased.</i> Paterfamilias, <i>a week later, + looking in at the Auction-room, sees what he could swear to + be the very chest of drawers he had purchased being "sold + again" in a similar fashion.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>"MY PRETTY JANUS, OH NEVER LOOK SO SHY!"</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/88-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/88-2.png" + alt="JANUS DRURIOLANUS." /></a>JANUS DRURIOLANUS. + <i>Suggestion for Costume at another Masked Ball.</i> + </div> + + <p>AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS is greater than ever. It is the + penitential season of Lent; some excellent persons renounce all + worldly amusements; others, not quite so excellent, and both + lots thinking, it may be, no small beer of themselves, we may + term the first lot Treble Excellent and the second Double + Excellent—the latter division think that concerts + possibly, sacred concerts certainly, and certain other forms of + mild and non-theatrical entertainments, are of a sufficiently + severe character to constitute, as it were, a form of + discipline. Then there are the larger proportion of those + "who," as <i>Mrs. Malaprop</i> would say, "'care for none of + these things,' like GALILEO, my dear," and who inquire. "What + is the state of the odds as long as we think we're happy?" and + who would indulge in balls and theatres, and in every other + form of amusement, while such pursuits afforded them, or + seemed, to afford them, any pleasure. To the first section, + <i>i.e.</i>, the "unco guid," DRURIOLANUS has nothing to offer, + not even a course of sermons by popular preachers; but to the + two others he has much to say. For these, last Saturday, he + commenced the first of his series of Lenten Oratorios at Covent + Garden—it was the 14th of February, and this was his + Valentine—and on the 17th, <i>i.e.</i>, the Tuesday + afterwards, having made, so to speak, a clean sweep of + everything serious, out he comes with his Fancy Dress and + Masked Ball. <i>Elijah</i> the Prophet, on Saturday, in the + Covent Garden Calendar, must be reckoned among the "minor + profits," seeing that the biggest profit would be found in the + <i>Bal Masqué</i> on Tuesday. Over the doors should be the + motto, "<i>Festina Lente</i>," whereof the Druriolanian + translation must be, "Keep it up in Lent." <i>Ave Janus + Druriolanus!</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" + id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> + + <h2>OLD TIMES REVIVED.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/89.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/89.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>What! when <i>London Assurance</i> is going off so well + every night, isn't it a pity that it should go off altogether? + CHARLES WYNDHAM as <i>Dazzle</i> is delightfully flashy, and + FARREN as the old beau, <i>Sir Harcourt</i>, admirable. Miss + MOORE charming, Mrs. BEERE bright and sparkling; BOURCHIER + quite up to "the Oxonian" mark of <i>Tom and Jerry</i>; + BLAKELEY delicious, and GIDDENS as good a <i>Dolly Spanker</i> + as you'd wish to see. It's too good to be "taken off." Not that + the piece itself is a perfect gem, but the acting! <i>Tout est + là.</i> Oddsfish, your Majesty, CHARLES REX, Merry Monarch of + the Cri, don't remove it altogether, but let us have it just + once or twice a week during the season. CHARLES, "our friend," + do! It's worth while, if but to see you sitting carelessly at + the end of the piece in that chair, R.H., as if you didn't care + for anything or anybody. Only—cut the tag and come to the + Curtain.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ETHICS OF MATCH-BOXES.</h2> + + <h4>BY COUNT DOLLSTOI.</h4> + + <h4>(<i>Intended for a Contemporary, but found to be too + short.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>I.</h4> + + <p>What is the true explanation of the use which people make of + matches—of safety matches, wooden matches, wax matches, + and, less commonly, of fusees? Ask any man why he uses such + things, and he will tell you that he does it to get a light, or + because others do it.</p> + + <p>Is this true? You will probably think so. Let us examine the + question. Why does a man hold his hand in front of a match when + he lights it in the street? To screen it from the wind, or + <i>to hide it from the sight of passers-by?</i> Why do ladies + leave the dinner-table before the men begin to smoke? To avoid + the smell of tobacco—which is well known to be aromatic, + healthy, and delightful—or <i>because the natural modesty + of women shrinks from witnessing the striking of a match?</i> + Why, in a railway-carriage, do you hold your fusee out of + window when you light it? Is it because you do not care about + being half-choked—a paltry plea—or is it to conceal + from young persons who may be in the carriage the sparkle which + must inevitably remind them of wicked and alluring eyes?</p> + + <p>"<i>To get a light, or because others do it.</i>" Is that + true? Do not trifle with the question. Read all my works. Do + not get them from a contemptible circulating library, but buy + them.</p> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <p>Some may not yet be convinced that the striking of matches + is suggestive and immoral. To me nearly everything is + suggestive, but there are some stupid persons in England. I + will be patient with them, and give them more evidence.</p> + + <p>A wax match is called a vesta. Who was Vesta? But this is + too horrible. I cannot pursue this point in a periodical which + is read in families. I can only refer you to the classical + dictionary, and remind you that everything must infallibly + suggest its opposite. Again, there are matches which strike + <i>only</i> on the box. It distresses me to write these words. + The idea of "onlyness," of restriction, must bring matrimony to + the mind of everyone. If you do not know what I think about + marriage, buy <i>The Kreutzer Sonata</i>. It is not customary + to have more than one wife. Consequently, anything which has + <i>one</i> in it—as, for instance, the date of WILLIAM + THE CONQUEROR—reminds me of marriage, and is, therefore, + degrading. Why, the very word "match" suggests marriage: and + yet we allow young children to sell whole boxes of them in the + streets. Horrible! Do you think our lower orders would become + discontented, and strike, if they had not seen matches doing it + first? Still more horrible!</p> + + <p>Finally, you strike a match that never struck you, that + never offended you in any way. Is that just, or even manly? + Yet, in nine cases out of ten, the law takes no notice of the + offence.</p> + + <p>"<i>To get a light, or because others do it.</i>" Are you + not convinced now that, when you use these words, you are not + speaking the truth?</p> + + <h4>III.</h4> + + <p>I do not think I ever met anybody who was quite as moral, or + quite as original, as I am. You should give a complete set of + my works to each of your children. I might have generalised on + the ill-effects of those vices from a special case—my own + case. Had I done so, I could have got it printed. I can get + anything printed that I write. I preferred to take a newer + line, and to show you how vile you are when you use matches. + Everything is vile. But you are wondering, perhaps, how a great + novelist becomes a small faddist. You must wait till next + month, and then read my article on the immorality of parting + one's hair with a comb. A common table-fork is the only pure + thing with which one can part one's hair. Combs deaden the + conscience. But more of this anon.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>What is this the Baron reads in the <i>D.T.</i> of Feb. 9, + and in the <i>Daily Graphic</i> of the same date? Here is a + portion of the extract from the <i>D.T.</i>:—"The Monthly + Meeting of that quaint Literary Society, 'Ye Odd Volumes,' at + Limmer's Hotel, brought together not merely a goodly show of + the Volumes themselves, but an unusually large array of + visitors," and then follows the distinguished list, the + crowning point being reached when we come to the name of "The + Baron de BOOK-WORMS of <i>Punch</i>," and in the <i>Daily + Graphic</i> the daring reporter goes a step farther, as, after + giving the name of a certain honoured guest, he parenthetically + explains that this academical <i>convive</i> is <i>the</i> + "Baron de B.-W.!" <i>Erreur</i>! I, the Baron de B.-W., being + of sound mind and body, hereby declare that <i>the Baron + himself was not present</i>. And why? Well, do my readers + remember the honest milk-maid's retort to the coxcomb who said + he wouldn't marry her? Good. Then, substituting "me" for "you," + and "he" for "she," the Baron can adopt the maiden's reply. + After this, other reasons would be superfluous.</p> + + <p>How came the reporter to fall into so great an error? Who + misinformed him? A worthy henchman, as indignant as was <i>Sam + Weller</i> when he found his beloved master's name trifled + with, writes to ask me, "Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' + this here liberty, Sir?" With the immortal <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>, + the Baron replies, "Certainly not. Not on any account." And, + whatever that sturdy henchman may murmur to himself, he at once + obeys. "Bring me my books!" cries the Baron, "I am off to the + review."</p> + + <p>The Baron's Deputy writes, that he has again been steeping + himself in poetry, and reports as follows:—<i>Ionica</i> + (GEORGE ALLEN) is a little volume, which no admirer of true + poetry should fail to possess. The author now calls himself W. + CORY, but he was known by a different name to many generations + of Etonians. His Muse generally wears a classical robe, but her + speech is always delightfully musical. She has beautiful + cadences, that haunt the memory like some old <i>Volkslied</i>. + In spite of a careless confusion between "thou" and "you," I + defy anybody to read "<i>Heraclitus</i>," to take only one + instance, without a sense of pleasure which will compel him to + learn the two verses by heart. But the Muse is pathetic, + playful, and patriotic, too, when the occasion fits, and, + whatever she sings, she sings with genuine taste and feeling. + Would that we might hope for more of her pure music. So far the + Deputy.</p> + + <p>Was that excentric character in <i>David Copperfield</i> + nameless, who was represented as sitting in some sort of + slop-shop, wheezing out fiercely, "O my lights and liver! O + goroo, goroo!" I think DICKENS didn't give him a name, good or + bad; but his constant repetition of the above outlandish + exclamations has impressed upon him an awful and terrific + personality, which places him among the more popular creations + of Dickensian genius. Of what is this <i>à propos</i>? you will + ask the Baron. "Well," he will make reply, "it is <i>à + propos</i> of cookery books, and bookery cooks; the latter + being those who are not above teaching themselves from the + sacred books of Cookery, and who can put in practice the + lessons they learn therein. Now," quoth the Baron, "let me + recommend you to ask at CHAPMAN AND HALL's for <i>Hilda's + 'Where Is It' of Recipes</i>, a work got up as simply and + substantially as a good dinner should be, with 'pages in + waiting,' quite blank, all ready for your notes,—the + book, like a dining-table, being appropriately interleaved; and + there is, happy thought, a pencil in the cover-side most handy + for the intending Lucullus." The season of Lent is an excellent + one for cookery-books, because you can be studying for the + dinner-giving season, and then—do not forget the + generally excellent advice of your friend,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" + id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/90.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/90.png" + alt="'WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK.'" /></a> + + <h3>"WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK."</h3> + + <p>"THERE NOW, MR. MOSS! <i>THERE'S</i> A PICTURE FOR YER! + WHY, HE'S REGULAR DOWNRIGHT <i>BUILT</i> FOR YER, THAT + LITTLE 'ORSE IS! SUIT YER TO A <b>T</b>,—AND + DIRT-CHEAP AT A HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY GUINEAS!"</p> + + <p>"EXACTLY, MR. ISAACS. KNOCK OFF THE HUNDRED, AND HE'S + MINE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE RIVAL "JARVIES;"</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE IRISH JAUNTING CAR.</h3> + + <h4>AIR:—"<i>The Low-backed Car</i>."</h4> + + <p><i>"Honest John" sings</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When first I knew CH-RL-S ST-RT,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twas in a happier day,</p> + + <p>The Jaunting Car he drove in</p> + + <p class="i2">Went gaily all the way.</p> + + <p>But now the Car seems all askew,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lop-wheel'd, and slack of spring;</p> + + <p>Myself and WILL, in fear of a spill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feel little disposed to sing,</p> + + <p class="i4">As we sit on the Jaunting Car,</p> + + <p class="i4">The drivers at open war,</p> + + <p class="i6">Seem little to care</p> + + <p class="i6">For a Grand Old Fare,</p> + + <p class="i4">As they fight for the Jaunting Car.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CH-RL-S ST-RT at one rein, Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">And J-ST-N at the other.</p> + + <p>Give prospect small of progress</p> + + <p class="i2">In pummelling one another.</p> + + <p>As Honest JOHN my chance is gone</p> + + <p class="i2">Of helping ill-used PAT,</p> + + <p>If the Union of Hearts in Shindy starts,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the Message of Peace falls flat.</p> + + <p class="i4">WILL and I on the Jaunting Car,</p> + + <p class="i4">With the couple of Jarvies at war,</p> + + <p class="i6">Are sad to our souls,</p> + + <p class="i6">Wherefore win at the polls</p> + + <p class="i4">If we lose on the Jaunting Car?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In battle's wild commotion,</p> + + <p class="i2">With proud and hostile SM-TH,</p> + + <p>O'er Land or Tithe, our hearts were blithe,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till P-RN-LL sapped our pith.</p> + + <p>But "Mr. Fox's" lethal darts</p> + + <p class="i2">Make "Union" all my eye;</p> + + <p>Our ranks they thin (whilst our enemies grin),</p> + + <p class="i2">As right and left they fly.</p> + + <p class="i4">Though we cling to the Jaunting Car,</p> + + <p class="i4">We were better out of it, by far;</p> + + <p class="i6">Not the G.O.M.'s art</p> + + <p class="i6">Can those Jarvies part</p> + + <p class="i4">Who fight for the Jaunting Car.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I rather like this Car, Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">With GL-DST-NE by my side;</p> + + <p>But row galore is an awful bore.</p> + + <p class="i2">When two would-be whips collide.</p> + + <p>With J-ST-N seated forninst us,</p> + + <p class="i2">To victory we <i>might</i> haste,</p> + + <p>But with squabbling bhoys, and a deuce of a + noise,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Our</i> efforts are cut to waste.</p> + + <p class="i4">Though we're perched on the Jaunting + Car,</p> + + <p class="i4">Our purpose these madmen mar,</p> + + <p class="i6">Whilst W-LL-M and I,</p> + + <p class="i6">With a tear and a sigh,</p> + + <p class="i4">Hold on to the Jaunting Car.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>PAR ABOUT PICTURES.—Messrs. J. and W. VOKINS, Great + Portland Street, have an interesting loan collection of some of + the Old Giants of the English Water-colour School on view. + There may be found TURNER, DE WINT, WILLIAM HUNT, HOLLAND, + COPLEY FIELDING, STANFIELD, MULREADY, J.D. HARDING, besides + many others. How good are the Old Giants, and their works are + as bright and fresh as the day they were painted. Their + reputations have not faded, neither have their pictures, and + moreover, they are not likely to. And so say all of us! And so + says, Yours paragonically, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE HUNDRED-AND-TEN-TONNER!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What is it, that, with labour skilled,</p> + + <p>Though taking full three years to build,</p> + + <p>The place of better weapons filled?</p> + + <p class="i6">The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What was it, though, that had to stoop,</p> + + <p>When fired, to putting on a hoop,</p> + + <p>Spite this, yet found its muzzle "droop"?</p> + + <p class="i6">The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what, that matters made more hot,</p> + + <p>Such curious ammunition got,</p> + + <p>It cost £400 a shot?</p> + + <p class="i6">The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet, much to the tax-payer's bliss,</p> + + <p>What, firing such a sum as this.</p> + + <p>At eighteen hundred yards would miss?</p> + + <p class="i6">The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What is it, spite the First Lord's grace,</p> + + <p>That guns of better make and case</p> + + <p>At half the cost could well replace?</p> + + <p class="i6">The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, what no more upon the deep</p> + + <p>Should JOHN BULL floating useless keep,</p> + + <p>But quickly from his Navy sweep?</p> + + <p class="i6">The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>PROPOSED TUNNEL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND IRELAND.—An + Irishman observed this would bridge over a lot of difficulties; + he begged pardon, he meant it would Leth-bridge them over.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" + id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/91.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/91.png" + alt="THE RIVAL 'JARVIES.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE RIVAL "JARVIES."</h3>J. M-RL-Y. "DRIVE ON, + McCARTHY!—IT'S <i>YOUR</i> JOB!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" + id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/93.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93.png" + alt="HUNTING SKETCH." /></a> + + <h3>HUNTING SKETCH.</h3>THE LOST SHOE, OR LATE FOR THE + MEAT. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CANDOUR IN COURT.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In <i>Savell</i> v. <i>the Duke of Westminster</i>, + Lord ESHER, Master of the Bolls, said:—"It was the + demands for interrogatories and discovery of documents and + commissions in cases of this simple nature which had made + the practice of the Common Law so expensive, and caused the + public to fly from Courts of Law as from a pestilence. This + oppression must be put down."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How does it hap," quoth ESHER, M.R.,</p> + + <p class="i2">"That Solicitors languish for lack of + bread?</p> + + <p>That want of cases, as felt by the Bar,</p> + + <p class="i2">To cases of want has recently led?</p> + + <p>Oh, how does it come, and why, and whence,</p> + + <p>That men shun the Law as a pestilence?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"It can't be denied that the public tries</p> + + <p class="i2">To avoid an action by every means;</p> + + <p>To a Court it with much reluctance hies,</p> + + <p class="i2">And to arbitration madly leans.</p> + + <p>In fact—I say it without offence—</p> + + <p>It shuns the Law as a pestilence.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Tis all the fault," said this great Law Lord,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Of demands for inspection, and similar + pleas;</p> + + <p>Of expenses that neither side can afford,</p> + + <p class="i2">Commissions and interrogator-ees;</p> + + <p>Till Pelion's piled on Ossa—and hence</p> + + <p>Men shun the Law as a pestilence.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>I</i> call it oppression, and I'm a Judge!</p> + + <p class="i2">We must put it down, for the wrong's + acute;</p> + + <p>And then the public no fees will grudge,</p> + + <p class="i2">But will rush to get suited with a + suit;</p> + + <p>For Law, the perfection of common sense,</p> + + <p>Should never be shunned as a pestilence!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KING JOHN AT OXFORD.</h2> + + <p>The Oxford University Dramatic Society have acted another + Shakspearian play with conspicuous success. To say that the + O.U.D.S. have acted a play of SHAKSPEARE is to say nothing, + seeing that they are compelled, under fear of the most dreadful + punishments known to the University Calendar, to confine their + histrionic efforts to the drama as SHAKSPEARE wrote it, with an + occasional excursion into the dramatic verse of BROWNING. A + great many, however, of the most influential members of the + Hebdomadal Council are said to view any such departure from + SHAKSPEARE with alarm, as calculated to impair the discipline + and sap the morality of the tender nurselings confided to their + charge, and it is doubtful if the experiment will be repeated. + Long live the legitimate drama, say I, and so say all of us. + But, after all, it may be questioned whether those who can + listen unharmed to the broad, and, if I may say so, + "illegitimate" humour of <i>Faulconbridge</i> in <i>King + John</i> would take much damage from SHERIDAN, or LYTTON, or + TOM TAYLOR, or even—though I make this particular + suggestion with bated breath—from the performance of such + burlesques as the A.D.C. at Cambridge from time to time offers + to its patrons.</p> + + <p>All this is, however, by the way. We must take the O.U.D.S. + as we find it, and I must confess I found it in a very strong + and flourishing condition during the performance of <i>King + John</i>. The audience is not an easy one to act to. Not that + it errs on the side of over-criticism. Rather it is too + painfully friendly and familiar with the actors. Here is a + stray example culled from the Stalls:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> King PHILIP, <i>the</i> DAUPHIN, <i>and + attendant Knights.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Undergraduate in the Stalls</i> (<i>to his + Neighbour</i>). Halloa! There's old Johnnie in chain armour and + a helmet. Did you ever see such a rum 'un? Let's make him + laugh.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They do, and the unfortunate Knight infects his + fellow Knights at a moment when a specially stern demeanour + is required.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Or again, as here:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>The</i> DAUPHIN <i>places his arm round the waist of + the</i> Lady BLANCH, <i>and conducts her to the back of the + stage.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Voice in the Dress Circle</i>. Look out for the + Proctor!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>General laughter.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But in spite of these and similar exuberances, the play went + well from first to last, and the enthusiasm of the audience was + unbounded. It was stated on the programme that Mr. HENRY IRVING + had lent the chain-mail and the tapestries. I have come to the + conclusion that he lent himself as well, and then went and + pretended he was his own son. At any rate, while Mr. HENRY + IRVING (stated to be of New College) was declaiming as <i>King + John</i>, I could have sworn that the impersonator of + <i>Shylock</i> and <i>Macbeth</i> was walking the stage. Voice, + gesture, and even mannerisms were there, toned down, of course, + to suit the academic atmosphere, but manifest to all who know + and love the great original. My hearty congratulations to the + actor, whoever he was, on a most carefully studied and + dignified rendering of his difficult part. Mr. ALAN MACKINNON, + who grouped and arranged the whole of the play, was vigorous + and spirited as <i>Faulconbridge</i>. He delivered his insults + with immense force and go. The letter "<i>r</i>" is not an easy + one for him to pronounce, but he struggled manfully with this + obstacle, and after a time I got perfectly accustomed to the + bold tones in which he ordered <i>Austria</i> to "hang a + calf-skin chround those chrechreant limbs." <i>King + Philip's</i> legs were, perhaps, too much inclined to + independence, and never quite seemed to have made up their + minds where they would settle down, but when once they were + fixed the King was every inch a King. Little Miss MABEL HOARE + made us all weep copiously as <i>Arthur</i>. I have kept + <i>Hubert</i> to the last, in order to emphasise my opinion + that Mr. CLARK, of New College, who acted this tender-hearted + Chamberlain, carried off the chief honours of the performance. + For consistent and restrained force, it would not have been + easy to match Mr. CLARK's impersonation. Lady RADNOR's band was + delightful, in light-blue and pink bows.</p> + + <p>The fight in the Second Act was tremendous. Never have I + seen such dreadful blows delivered with such immense vigour on + any other stage. A very polite French Knight who had taken part + in the combat accorded me the honour of an interview + afterwards. I congratulated him, and suggested that so + realistic a battle must have been long and carefully rehearsed. + "Rehearsals!" he laughed; "not a bit of it. We just lace into + one another's heads as hard as we can lick." For the benefit of + Mr. D'OYLY CARTE and other fighting managers I have given these + admirable words as they were spoken.</p> + + <p>I had almost forgotten the ladies. There were three, Miss + FFYTCHE, Mrs. CHARLES SIM, and Miss DOWSON, and they were all + good—especially Mrs. SIM as <i>Constance</i>.</p> + + <p>And so farewell, for the present, to the O.U.D.S. and to + Oxford. I may mention, by the way, that hospitality is as + extensive and port wine as abundant as ever in the + neighbourhood of the High. <i>Experto crede.</i> Yours to a + turn, A VAGRANT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A South-African Sentiment.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>See Papers passim.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Colossus of Rhodes as a marvel they toss us;</p> + + <p>To which we retort, <i>our</i> RHODES <i>is</i> a + Colossus!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A READY-MADE MILITARY CHAPLAIN.—"The Rev. the Dean of + Battle." Evidently of the Church militant.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" + id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/94.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/94.png" + alt="ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 1.--THE G.O.M. VARIETY ENTERTAINER." /> + </a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 1.—THE G.O.M. VARIETY + ENTERTAINER.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page95" + id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> + + <h2>THE PINK OF COURTESY, AND A TRUE BLUE.</h2> + + <p>Last week a Cambridge Graduate, a Layman, not a Reverend + Don, kindly coached the Oxford Eight. The great Duke of + WELLINGTON, courteously instructing the French Army how to + defeat the English, would be an historical parallel. It is to + be hoped that this sublime example of unselfish devotion to + aquatic sport will be followed in other walks of life. We may + expect to learn from the daily papers how,—</p> + + <p>On Monday a Cabinet Council was held at Downing Street. Lord + SALISBURY presided, and Mr. W.H. SMITH being indisposed, Mr. + W.E. GLADSTONE (at a moment's notice) kindly consented to take + his place.</p> + + <p>On Tuesday General CAPRIVI went on leave, his place as + confidential adviser to the Emperor of GERMANY being supplied + during his absence by Prince Von BISMARCK.</p> + + <p>The Czar of RUSSIA, wishing to take a short holiday in + Denmark, has arranged that his place shall be supplied by + Prince ALEXANDER, once of Battenberg, and late of Bulgaria. + Before his return to St. Petersburg His Majesty is likely to + spend some time as the guest of several leading Nihilists.</p> + + <p>On Wednesday President CARNOT paid a long visit to General + BOULANGER, with a view to submitting to that eminent statesman + a scheme for the reorganisation of the French Army.</p> + + <p>On Thursday the King of ITALY, having arranged to accompany + Signor CRISPI in a yachting cruise to South America, the POPE + took up his residence at the Quirinal, and presided at a + National Council. Later in the day his Holiness reviewed the + Roman garrison.</p> + + <p>On Friday Mr. O'BRIEN gave a numerously attended "at home" + in his new prison. Amongst those present were Mr. GLADSTONE, + Lord SALISBURY, Mr. PARNELL, Mr. MCCARTHY, and Mr. TIM HEALY. + It is understood that the result of this amicable meeting will + be found in a spirit of reciprocity exhibited in the + anti-Parnellites writing Mr. PARNELL's manifestoes for the + Parnellites, and <i>vice versâ</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUERY BY IGNORAMUS.—From the <i>Times</i>' "Court + Circular," Feb. 11:—"The following Ladies and Gentlemen + had the honour of receiving invitations, and being received by + HER MAJESTY afterwards in the Drawing Room." Well, Sir (writes + our Correspondent) and where are they usually received? In the + kitchen? The report doesn't mention whether it was the front or + back Drawing Room.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/95-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/95-1.png" + alt="INCONVENIENCE OF MODERN MALE ATTIRE." /></a> + + <h3>INCONVENIENCE OF MODERN MALE ATTIRE.</h3> + + <p><i>First Stranger</i>. "HERE—HI! I WANT A KNIFE + AND FORK, PLEASE!"</p> + + <p><i>Second Stranger</i>. "CON-FOUND YOU—SO DO + I!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 9</i>.—The + ATTORNEY-GENERAL, with copy of Orders in his hand, casts + reproachful, almost angry, glance on the harmless HOWORTH; that + great diplomatist just dropped in from Arlington Street; been + to see the MARKISS, and give him latest instructions as to + conduct of public affairs, more especially with respect to + Behring Sea, the Northampton Election, the Newfoundland + Fisheries difficulty, and Assisted Education. A little fatigued + with his exertions; doesn't observe WEBSTER's woful regard.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/95-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/95-2.png" + alt="Caustic Causton." /></a>Caustic Causton. + </div> + + <p>"If it hadn't been for him," ATTORNEY-GENERAL mutters, still + glaring on elect of Salford, "shouldn't have to be down here + now, answering these sort of questions."</p> + + <p>No doubt HOWORTH was, though undesignedly, originator of the + business. Saw in incident of Hartlepool election an opening for + minimising effect. Wrapped purpose up in form of question + addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Question in subtly diplomatic + form insinuated against FURNESS charge of breach of Corrupt + Practice Act. ATTORNEY-GENERAL, knowing that HOWORTH is the man + who pulls the strings of statecraft, not only in Salford and + London, but in Berlin and St. Petersburg, did not venture to + decline to answer; gravely played up to his lead. Opposition + laughed and cheered; saw their opening, and have since + diligently filled it. Scarcely day passed since that questions + on hypothetical cases, addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL, have not + appeared on Orders. As they are moulded on HOWORTH's, which he + answered fully, even genially, difficult to refuse reply. But + there must be a limit to this kind of thing; reached to-day + when caustic CAUSTON comes forward with request for gratuitous + opinion on case submitted, involving difficult question of + eligibility of Catholics for seat on Woolsack. SUMMERS, who, + depressed by Irish domestic difficulty, hasn't put a question + for three weeks, goaded into activity; puts down another on + same subject. Mr. ATTORNEY respectfully declines to answer + either. Opposition yell with derisive cheers.</p> + + <p>Mr. ATTORNEY a man of equable temper, but this too much for + him. Must find object of attack somewhere. Waited till HOWORTH + had said adieu to five ladies whom he had been showing round + the House. "Look here, HOWORTH," said Mr. ATTORNEY, his amiable + visage clouded with unwonted wrath, "you content yourself with + looking after the MARKISS, and keeping him straight, but don't + you come round me any more with your confoundedly clever + questions."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Tithe Bill still on Report + stage.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Met JOHN MORLEY in corridor just now + walking along with long stride and troubled countenance. + "What's the matter?" I asked. "Is the French Revolution still + troubling you, or are you in fresh difficulties On + Compromise?"</p> + + <p>"No, dear TOBY," he said; "like MARTHA, I am troubled with + none of these things. The fact is, I am pining for opportunity + to give battle to BALFOUR in the matter of his Government of + Ireland. You remember I tabled notice of a Motion on the matter + as soon as the House met in November. Then I was so anxious, so + absorbed in the subject, that I forgot all about it till Brer + FOX and Brer RABBIT appeared on the scene, and bid against each + other for precedence. Thereupon I pulled my Resolution out of + pigeon-hole; reminded OLD MORALITY of my prior claim; had it + admitted, and day fixed. Should have come on last Monday, you + know. Tithes Bill in hand all last week; everybody tired of it; + agree there's really nothing in it; Opposition smouldering out; + then suddenly, my Motion having been put down for Monday, + interest in Tithes Bill swells; becomes absorbing. Couldn't + possibly finish last Thursday; everyone so urgent to continue + debate that House was Counted Out on Friday; yesterday was + appropriated for further debate on + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" + id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> Report stage; Thursday next + is taken for Third Reading, and I'm put off till + Monday."</p> + + <p>"And who arranged all this?" I asked, with unfeigned + sympathy.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/96-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-1.png" + alt="Walking it Off." /></a>Walking it Off. + </div> + + <p>"Well, it was our fellows, you know, with assistance of + Irish Members. We are all so anxious to have it out with Prince + ARTHUR that we made it impossible for debate on his iniquities + to come on this week. TIM HEALY suddenly developed personal + interest in Tithes Bill. Put down several new Clauses. So + succeeded in perhaps indefinitely deferring debate on my + Resolution. You know little, TOBY, of the thirst for battle. + It's more exhausting than the conflict itself. You'll excuse + me, I'll take another turn; to walk off the restless excitement + is the only hope left for me."</p> + + <p>And crossing his hands behind him, honest JOHN was off + again, down the corridor, his red necktie gleaming in the + further recesses like the lurid light of battle.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Tithes Bill through Report + stage.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Marriage with Deceased Wife's Sister + Bill on again. A hardy annual, carefully cultured in Commons, + and regularly nipped in Lords. The speeches to-day naturally + did not present any features riotously novel. HALL of Oxford + (not the University, but the Brewery) seconded Motion for + rejection of Bill. A beautiful speech, I thought, full of + touching sentiments, delivered with much unction. His plea for + the sanctity of sisterhood brought tears into eyes unused to + excessive moisture. Didn't seem to have much to do with the + Bill, but very touching.</p> + + <p>"Like evening bells," I said to the Member for Sark.</p> + + <p>"More like a barrel-organ," he responded, gruffly. "HALL has + the oratorical manner of a street-preacher, and the emptiness + of a tankard that a thirsty porter has held to his lips for + sixty seconds. Like a skilfully-drawn glass of his own + four-half, he's mostly froth; only, after all, there's + something under the froth in the glass of 'HALL's Hextra,' and + there's nothing beneath the sound of HALL's ambitious + common-places."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/96-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-2.png" + alt="Hirsute Hints for Lord Randolph; or, the Art of Political Make-up." /> + </a>Hirsute Hints for Lord Randolph; or, the Art of + Political Make-up. + </div> + + <p>SARK often says nasty things; seems in particularly + disagreeable mood to-day. Even fell foul of the inoffensive + Member for Crewe. WALTER MCLAREN, whilst declaring himself + strongly in favour of Bill, wanted to throw it out because it + didn't provide opportunity for women to marry their deceased + husband's brother.</p> + + <p>"McLAREN," snarled SARK, "is one of those typical Radicals + who have no toleration. He's the sort of man who would bite off + his nose to spite his face. Quiet, gentle, almost feminine, in + his manner, he would think nothing of boiling you and me in + molten lead if we didn't cross our t's exactly at the height he + is accustomed to do, or dotted our i's at an angle which did + not conform with his views. Scratch a Radical, TOBY my boy, and + you'll find the Tyrant."</p> + + <p>I'll take care to do no such thing.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Deceased Wife's Sister Bill read + Second Time by 202 Votes against 155.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—After long period of anxiety, House + to-night reassured. GEDGE, who hasn't been seen since he + disappeared after obstructing passage through Committee of + Tithes Bill, turned up again. Curiously regarded by House; + looked for signs of privation, but no falling off visible, + whether in physical contour or volume of voice. Tithes Bill + during his absence has gone through Committee and Report stage. + Now awaiting Third Reading. GEDGE proposed to continue his + speech interrupted by stroke of Midnight, when House in + Committee. Fixed himself obligingly behind GOSCHEN and + HICKS-BEACH, so that they should miss nothing of his counsel, + and started off. Instantly arose stormy cries for Division. + GEDGE, wherever he has been, seems to have been well-fed, and + kept generally in good fettle. Cheerfully accepted challenge to + vocal contest. Every time he commenced sentence the boisterous + chorus, "'vide! 'vide! 'vide!" rang though House. Opposition, + who didn't want Bill, started it; Ministerialists, anxious to + see Bill pass, took it up; a roaring, excited crowd; amid them + GEDGE, grey-faced, imperturbable, with mouth wide open, + shouting in the ear of the pleased CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER. + <i>Business done</i>.—Tithes Bill read Third Time by 250 + Votes against 161.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/96-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/96-3.png" + alt="General FRASER, V.C." /></a>"In rising to + respond." + </div> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—The United Services come nobly to the + front to-day, all about Nelson's Pillar in Sackville Street, + Dublin. However it may be at Westminster, Irish Members can't + abear obstruction at home; brought in Bill to remove Monument + lower down street; long debate; towards close Admiral FIELD + suddenly hove in sight; bore down on enemy.</p> + + <p>"As humble naval officer," he roared, as through a + speaking-trumpet, "I protest against addressing our immortal + naval hero in the words of the Poet, saying unto him, 'Friend, + go down lower.'"</p> + + <p>General FRASER, V.C., sitting next to Admiral on Front Bench + below the Gangway; bosom swelled with generous emulation; Navy + attacked; duty of Army to come to its assistance. General + doesn't often speak; appearances as public orator chiefly + confined to responding to patriotic toast at dinners. This led + him a little astray. Drawing himself up to full height, setting + hands on hips, he began, in deep bass voice, "In rising to + respond to this toast—" Then, remembering where he was, + he executed strategic retreat, and addressed himself to + SPEAKER.</p> + + <p>Spectacle of the two veterans defending memory of NELSON + deeply touched House. Nevertheless, Bill carried. <i>Business + done</i>.—Counted Out at Half-past Seven.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>IN MONTAGU WILLIAMS' <i>Later Leaves</i> there is a small + error, but of importance to the historian of the English Stage, + which can be corrected in the next edition:—Mr. KEELEY + never played <i>Bob Mettles</i>, and there is no such character + in TOM TAYLOR's <i>Our Clerks. Bob Nettles</i> is one of the + principal characters in <i>To Parents and Guardians</i>, and it + was played by Mrs. KEELEY, her husband playing + <i>Waddilove</i>. Middle-aged play-goers will remember both + pieces; and in the latter, no one will forget ALFRED WIGAN as + the French Tutor.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CIVIL SERVICE NOTE.—The Directors of the Covent Garden + Opera Company present their compliments to the C.S. Examiners, + and trust that they will reconsider their determination to + exclude the Italian language from their list of subjects. The + Directors will be happy to give every facility to students + during the forthcoming Opera season. Box Office now open. + Reduction on taking a quantity.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. 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