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diff --git a/13084-h/13084-h.htm b/13084-h/13084-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..221f214 --- /dev/null +++ b/13084-h/13084-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,16947 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Back to Methuselah, by Bernard Shaw. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> /*<![CDATA[ */ + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .75em; margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + td { vertical-align: middle; padding-top: 0.75em; } + /* ]]> */ </style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13084 ***</div> + + <h1> + BACK TO METHUSELAH + </h1> + <h2> + A Metabiological Pentateuch + </h2> + <h3> + By Bernard Shaw + </h3> + <h4> + 1921 + </h4> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <b>THE INFIDEL HALF CENTURY</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE DAWN OF DARWINISM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> THE ADVENT OF THE NEO-DARWINIANS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> POLITICAL INADEQUACY OF THE HUMAN ANIMAL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> COWARDICE OF THE IRRELIGIOUS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> IS THERE ANY HOPE IN EDUCATION? </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> HOMEOPATHIC EDUCATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> THE DIABOLICAL EFFICIENCY OF TECHNICAL EDUCATION + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> FLIMSINESS OF CIVILIZATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> CREATIVE EVOLUTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> VOLUNTARY LONGEVITY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> THE EARLY EVOLUTIONISTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> THE ADVENT OF THE NEO-LAMARCKIANS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> HOW ACQUIREMENTS ARE INHERITED </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> THE MIRACLE OF CONDENSED RECAPITULATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> HEREDITY AN OLD STORY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> DISCOVERY ANTICIPATED BY DIVINATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> CORRECTED DATES FOR THE DISCOVERY OF EVOLUTION + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> DEFYING THE LIGHTNING: A FRUSTRATED EXPERIMENT + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> IN QUEST OF THE FIRST CAUSE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> PALEY'S WATCH </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> THE IRRESISTIBLE CRY OF ORDER, ORDER! </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> THE MOMENT AND THE MAN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> THE BRINK OF THE BOTTOMLESS PIT </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> WHY DARWIN CONVERTED THE CROWD </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> HOW WE RUSHED DOWN A STEEP PLACE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> DARWINISM NOT FINALLY REFUTABLE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> THREE BLIND MICE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> THE GREATEST OF THESE IS SELF-CONTROL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> A SAMPLE OF LAMARCKO-SHAVIAN INVECTIVE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> THE HUMANITARIANS AND THE PROBLEM OF EVIL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> HOW ONE TOUCH OF DARWIN MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD + KIN </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> WHY DARWIN PLEASED THE SOCIALISTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> DARWIN AND KARL MARX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> WHY DARWIN PLEASED THE PROFITEERS ALSO </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> THE POETRY AND PURITY OF MATERIALISM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> THE VICEROYS OF THE KING OF KINGS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> POLITICAL OPPORTUNISM IN EXCELSIS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> THE BETRAYAL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> CIRCUMSTANTIAL SELECTION IN FINANCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> THE HOMEOPATHIC REACTION AGAINST DARWINISM </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> RELIGION AND ROMANCE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> THE DANGER OF REACTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> A TOUCHSTONE FOR DOGMA </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> WHAT TO DO WITH THE LEGENDS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> A LESSON FROM SCIENCE TO THE CHURCHES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> THE RELIGIOUS ART OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> THE ARTIST-PROPHETS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> EVOLUTION IN THE THEATRE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> MY OWN PART IN THE MATTER </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> <b>BACK TO METHUSELAH.</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART"> PART I—In the Beginning </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> ACT I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> ACT II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART2"> PART II—The Gospel of the Brothers Barnabas + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART3"> PART III—The Thing Happens </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART4"> PART IV—Tragedy of an Elderly Gentleman </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> ACT I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> ACT II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> ACT III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART5"> PART V.—As Far as Thought can Reach </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <div style="font-size: xx-large; text-align: center;"> + <b>THE INFIDEL HALF CENTURY</b> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DAWN OF DARWINISM + </h2> + <p> + One day early in the eighteen hundred and sixties, I, being then a small + boy, was with my nurse, buying something in the shop of a petty newsagent, + bookseller, and stationer in Camden Street, Dublin, when there entered an + elderly man, weighty and solemn, who advanced to the counter, and said + pompously, 'Have you the works of the celebrated Buffoon?' + </p> + <p> + My own works were at that time unwritten, or it is possible that the shop + assistant might have misunderstood me so far as to produce a copy of Man + and Superman. As it was, she knew quite well what he wanted; for this was + before the Education Act of 1870 had produced shop assistants who know how + to read and know nothing else. The celebrated Buffoon was not a humorist, + but the famous naturalist Buffon. Every literate child at that time knew + Buffon's Natural History as well as Esop's Fables. And no living child had + heard the name that has since obliterated Buffon's in the popular + consciousness: the name of Darwin. + </p> + <p> + Ten years elapsed. The celebrated Buffoon was forgotten; I had doubled my + years and my length; and I had discarded the religion of my forefathers. + One day the richest and consequently most dogmatic of my uncles came into + a restaurant where I was dining, and found himself, much against his will, + in conversation with the most questionable of his nephews. By way of + making myself agreeable, I spoke of modern thought and Darwin. He said, + 'Oh, thats the fellow who wants to make out that we all have tails like + monkeys.' I tried to explain that what Darwin had insisted on in this + connection was that some monkeys have no tails. But my uncle was as + impervious to what Darwin really said as any Neo-Darwinian nowadays. He + died impenitent, and did not mention me in his will. + </p> + <p> + Twenty years elapsed. If my uncle had been alive, he would have known all + about Darwin, and known it all wrong. In spite of the efforts of Grant + Allen to set him right, he would have accepted Darwin as the discoverer of + Evolution, of Heredity, and of modification of species by Selection. For + the pre-Darwinian age had come to be regarded as a Dark Age in which men + still believed that the book of Genesis was a standard scientific + treatise, and that the only additions to it were Galileo's demonstration + of Leonardo da Vinci's simple remark that the earth is a moon of the sun, + Newton's theory of gravitation, Sir Humphry Davy's invention of the + safety-lamp, the discovery of electricity, the application of steam to + industrial purposes, and the penny post. It was just the same in other + subjects. Thus Nietzsche, by the two or three who had come across his + writings, was supposed to have been the first man to whom it occurred that + mere morality and legality and urbanity lead nowhere, as if Bunyan had + never written Badman. Schopenhauer was credited with inventing the + distinction between the Covenant of Grace and the Covenant of Works which + troubled Cromwell on his deathbed. People talked as if there had been no + dramatic or descriptive music before Wagner; no impressionist painting + before Whistler; whilst as to myself, I was finding that the surest way to + produce an effect of daring innovation and originality was to revive the + ancient attraction of long rhetorical speeches; to stick closely to the + methods of Molière; and to lift characters bodily out of the pages of + Charles Dickens. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADVENT OF THE NEO-DARWINIANS + </h2> + <p> + This particular sort of ignorance does not always or often matter. But in + Darwin's case it did matter. If Darwin had really led the world at one + bound from the book of Genesis to Heredity, to Modification of Species by + Selection, and to Evolution, he would have been a philosopher and a + prophet as well as an eminent professional naturalist, with geology as a + hobby. The delusion that he had actually achieved this feat did no harm at + first, because if people's views are sound, about evolution or anything + else, it does not make two straws difference whether they call the + revealer of their views Tom or Dick. But later on such apparently + negligible errors have awkward consequences. Darwin was given an imposing + reputation as not only an Evolutionist, but as <i>the</i> Evolutionist, + with the immense majority who never read his books. The few who never read + any others were led by them to concentrate exclusively on Circumstantial + Selection as the explanation of all the transformations and adaptations + which were the evidence for Evolution. And they presently found themselves + so cut off by this specialization from the majority who knew Darwin only + by his spurious reputation, that they were obliged to distinguish + themselves, not as Darwinians, but as Neo-Darwinians. + </p> + <p> + Before ten more years had elapsed, the Neo-Darwinians were practically + running current Science. It was 1906; I was fifty; I published my own view + of evolution in a play called Man and Superman; and I found that most + people were unable to understand how I could be an Evolutionist and not a + Neo-Darwinian, or why I habitually derided Neo-Darwinism as a ghastly + idiocy, and would fall on its professors slaughterously in public + discussions. It was in the hope of making me clear the matter up that the + Fabian Society, which was then organizing a series of lectures on Prophets + of the Nineteenth Century, asked me to deliver a lecture on the prophet + Darwin. I did so; and scraps of that lecture, which was never published, + variegate these pages. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POLITICAL INADEQUACY OF THE HUMAN ANIMAL + </h2> + <p> + Ten more years elapsed. Neo-Darwinism in politics had produced a European + catastrophe of a magnitude so appalling, and a scope so unpredictable, + that as I write these lines in 1920, it is still far from certain whether + our civilization will survive it. The circumstances of this catastrophe, + the boyish cinema-fed romanticism which made it possible to impose it on + the people as a crusade, and especially the ignorance and errors of the + victors of Western Europe when its violent phase had passed and the time + for reconstruction arrived, confirmed a doubt which had grown steadily in + my mind during my forty years public work as a Socialist: namely, whether + the human animal, as he exists at present, is capable of solving the + social problems raised by his own aggregation, or, as he calls it, his + civilization. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + COWARDICE OF THE IRRELIGIOUS + </h2> + <p> + Another observation I had made was that goodnatured unambitious men are + cowards when they have no religion. They are dominated and exploited not + only by greedy and often half-witted and half-alive weaklings who will do + anything for cigars, champagne, motor cars, and the more childish and + selfish uses of money, but by able and sound administrators who can do + nothing else with them than dominate and exploit them. Government and + exploitation become synonymous under such circumstances; and the world is + finally ruled by the childish, the brigands, and the blackguards. Those + who refuse to stand in with them are persecuted and occasionally executed + when they give any trouble to the exploiters. They fall into poverty when + they lack lucrative specific talents. At the present moment one half of + Europe, having knocked the other half down, is trying to kick it to death, + and may succeed: a procedure which is, logically, sound Neo-Darwinism. And + the goodnatured majority are looking on in helpless horror, or allowing + themselves to be persuaded by the newspapers of their exploiters that the + kicking is not only a sound commercial investment, but an act of divine + justice of which they are the ardent instruments. + </p> + <p> + But if Man is really incapable of organizing a big civilization, and + cannot organize even a village or a tribe any too well, what is the use of + giving him a religion? A religion may make him hunger and thirst for + righteousness; but will it endow him with the practical capacity to + satisfy that appetite? Good intentions do not carry with them a grain of + political science, which is a very complicated one. The most devoted and + indefatigable, the most able and disinterested students of this science in + England, as far as I know, are my friends Sidney and Beatrice Webb. It has + taken them forty years of preliminary work, in the course of which they + have published several treatises comparable to Adam Smith's Wealth of + Nations, to formulate a political constitution adequate to existing needs. + If this is the measure of what can be done in a lifetime by extraordinary + ability, keen natural aptitude, exceptional opportunities, and freedom + from the preoccupations of bread-winning, what are we to expect from the + parliament man to whom political science is as remote and distasteful as + the differential calculus, and to whom such an elementary but vital point + as the law of economic rent is a <i>pons asinorum</i> never to be + approached, much less crossed? Or from the common voter who is mostly so + hard at work all day earning a living that he cannot keep awake for five + minutes over a book? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IS THERE ANY HOPE IN EDUCATION? + </h2> + <p> + The usual answer is that we must educate our masters: that is, ourselves. + We must teach citizenship and political science at school. But must we? + There is no must about it, the hard fact being that we must <i>not</i> + teach political science or citizenship at school. The schoolmaster who + attempted it would soon find himself penniless in the streets without + pupils, if not in the dock pleading to a pompously worded indictment for + sedition against the exploiters. Our schools teach the morality of + feudalism corrupted by commercialism, and hold up the military conqueror, + the robber baron, and the profiteer, as models of the illustrious and the + successful. In vain do the prophets who see through this imposture preach + and teach a better gospel: the individuals whom they convert are doomed to + pass away in a few years; and the new generations are dragged back in the + schools to the morality of the fifteenth century, and think themselves + Liberal when they are defending the ideas of Henry VII, and gentlemanly + when they are opposing to them the ideas of Richard III. Thus the educated + man is a greater nuisance than the uneducated one: indeed it is the + inefficiency and sham of the educational side of our schools (to which, + except under compulsion, children would not be sent by their parents at + all if they did not act as prisons in which the immature are kept from + worrying the mature) that save us from being dashed on the rocks of false + doctrine instead of drifting down the midstream of mere ignorance. There + is no way out through the schoolmaster. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOMEOPATHIC EDUCATION + </h2> + <p> + In truth, mankind cannot be saved from without, by schoolmasters or any + other sort of masters: it can only be lamed and enslaved by them. It is + said that if you wash a cat it will never again wash itself. This may or + may not be true: what is certain is that if you teach a man anything he + will never learn it; and if you cure him of a disease he will be unable to + cure himself the next time it attacks him. Therefore, if you want to see a + cat clean, you throw a bucket of mud over it, when it will immediately + take extraordinary pains to lick the mud off, and finally be cleaner than + it was before. In the same way doctors who are up-to-date (BURGE-LUBIN per + cent of all the registered practitioners, and 20 per cent of the + unregistered ones), when they want to rid you of a disease or a symptom, + inoculate you with that disease or give you a drug that produces that + symptom, in order to provoke you to resist it as the mud provokes the cat + to wash itself. + </p> + <p> + Now an acute person will ask me why, if this be so, our false education + does not provoke our scholars to find out the truth. My answer is that it + sometimes does. Voltaire was a pupil of the Jesuits; Samuel Butler was the + pupil of a hopelessly conventional and erroneous country parson. But then + Voltaire was Voltaire, and Butler was Butler: that is, their minds were so + abnormally strong that they could throw off the doses of poison that + paralyse ordinary minds. When the doctors inoculate you and the + homeopathists dose you, they give you an infinitesimally attenuated dose. + If they gave you the virus at full strength it would overcome your + resistance and produce its direct effect. The doses of false doctrine + given at public schools and universities are so big that they overwhelm + the resistance that a tiny dose would provoke. The normal student is + corrupted beyond redemption, and will drive the genius who resists out of + the country if he can. Byron and Shelley had to fly to Italy, whilst + Castlereagh and Eldon ruled the roost at home. Rousseau was hunted from + frontier to frontier; Karl Marx starved in exile in a Soho lodging; + Ruskin's articles were refused by the magazines (he was too rich to be + otherwise persecuted); whilst mindless forgotten nonentities governed the + land; sent men to the prison or the gallows for blasphemy and sedition + (meaning the truth about Church and State); and sedulously stored up the + social disease and corruption which explode from time to time in gigantic + boils that have to be lanced by a million bayonets. This is the result of + allopathic education. Homeopathic education has not yet been officially + tried, and would obviously be a delicate matter if it were. A body of + schoolmasters inciting their pupils to infinitesimal peccadilloes with the + object of provoking them to exclaim, 'Get thee behind me, Satan,' or + telling them white lies about history for the sake of being contradicted, + insulted, and refuted, would certainly do less harm than our present + educational allopaths do; but then nobody will advocate homeopathic + education. Allopathy has produced the poisonous illusion that it + enlightens instead of darkening. The suggestion may, however, explain why, + whilst most people's minds succumb to inculcation and environment, a few + react vigorously: honest and decent people coming from thievish slums, and + sceptics and realists from country parsonages. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIABOLICAL EFFICIENCY OF TECHNICAL EDUCATION + </h2> + <p> + But meanwhile—and here comes the horror of it—our technical + instruction is honest and efficient. The public schoolboy who is carefully + blinded, duped, and corrupted as to the nature of a society based on + profiteering, and is taught to honor parasitic idleness and luxury, learns + to shoot and ride and keep fit with all the assistance and guidance that + can be procured for him by the most anxiously sincere desire that he may + do these things well, and if possible superlatively well. In the army he + learns to fly; to drop bombs; to use machine-guns to the utmost of his + capacity. The discovery of high explosives is rewarded and dignified: + instruction in the manufacture of the weapons, battleships, submarines, + and land batteries by which they are applied destructively, is quite + genuine: the instructors know their business, and really mean the learners + to succeed. The result is that powers of destruction that could hardly + without uneasiness be entrusted to infinite wisdom and infinite + benevolence are placed in the hands of romantic schoolboy patriots who, + however generous by nature, are by education ignoramuses, dupes, snobs, + and sportsmen to whom fighting is a religion and killing an + accomplishment; whilst political power, useless under such circumstances + except to militarist imperialists in chronic terror of invasion and + subjugation, pompous tufthunting fools, commercial adventurers to whom the + organization by the nation of its own industrial services would mean + checkmate, financial parasites on the money market, and stupid people who + cling to the status quo merely because they are used to it, is obtained by + heredity, by simple purchase, by keeping newspapers and pretending that + they are organs of public opinion, by the wiles of seductive women, and by + prostituting ambitious talent to the service of the profiteers, who call + the tune because, having secured all the spare plunder, they alone can + afford to pay the piper. Neither the rulers nor the ruled understand high + politics. They do not even know that there is such a branch of knowledge + as political science; but between them they can coerce and enslave with + the deadliest efficiency, even to the wiping out of civilization, because + their education as slayers has been honestly and thoroughly carried out. + Essentially the rulers are all defectives; and there is nothing worse than + government by defectives who wield irresistible powers of physical + coercion. The commonplace sound people submit, and compel the rest to + submit, because they have been taught to do so as an article of religion + and a point of honor. Those in whom natural enlightenment has reacted + against artificial education submit because they are compelled; but they + would resist, and finally resist effectively, if they were not cowards. + And they are cowards because they have neither an officially accredited + and established religion nor a generally recognized point of honor, and + are all at sixes and sevens with their various private speculations, + sending their children perforce to the schools where they will be + corrupted for want of any other schools. The rulers are equally + intimidated by the immense extension and cheapening of the means of + slaughter and destruction. The British Government is more afraid of + Ireland now that submarines, bombs, and poison gas are cheap and easily + made than it was of the German Empire before the war; consequently the old + British custom which maintained a balance of power through command of the + sea is intensified into a terror that sees security in nothing short of + absolute military mastery of the entire globe: that is, in an + impossibility that will yet seem possible in detail to soldiers and to + parochial and insular patriotic civilians. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FLIMSINESS OF CIVILIZATION + </h2> + <p> + This situation has occurred so often before, always with the same result + of a collapse of civilization (Professor Flinders Petrie has let out the + secret of previous collapses), that the rich are instinctively crying 'Let + us eat and drink; for tomorrow we die,' and the poor, 'How long, O Lord, + how long?' But the pitiless reply still is that God helps those who help + themselves. This does not mean that if Man cannot find the remedy no + remedy will be found. The power that produced Man when the monkey was not + up to the mark, can produce a higher creature than Man if Man does not + come up to the mark. What it means is that if Man is to be saved, Man must + save himself. There seems no compelling reason why he should be saved. He + is by no means an ideal creature. At his present best many of his ways are + so unpleasant that they are unmentionable in polite society, and so + painful that he is compelled to pretend that pain is often a good. Nature + holds no brief for the human experiment: it must stand or fall by its + results. If Man will not serve, Nature will try another experiment. + </p> + <p> + What hope is there then of human improvement? According to the + Neo-Darwinists, to the Mechanists, no hope whatever, because improvement + can come only through some senseless accident which must, on the + statistical average of accidents, be presently wiped out by some other + equally senseless accident. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CREATIVE EVOLUTION + </h2> + <p> + But this dismal creed does not discourage those who believe that the + impulse that produces evolution is creative. They have observed the simple + fact that the will to do anything can and does, at a certain pitch of + intensity set up by conviction of its necessity, create and organize new + tissue to do it with. To them therefore mankind is by no means played out + yet. If the weight lifter, under the trivial stimulus of an athletic + competition, can 'put up a muscle,' it seems reasonable to believe that an + equally earnest and convinced philosopher could 'put up a brain.' Both are + directions of vitality to a certain end. Evolution shews us this direction + of vitality doing all sorts of things: providing the centipede with a + hundred legs, and ridding the fish of any legs at all; building lungs and + arms for the land and gills and fins for the sea; enabling the mammal to + gestate its young inside its body, and the fowl to incubate hers outside + it; offering us, we may say, our choice of any sort of bodily contrivance + to maintain our activity and increase our resources. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VOLUNTARY LONGEVITY + </h2> + <p> + Among other matters apparently changeable at will is the duration of + individual life. Weismann, a very clever and suggestive biologist who was + unhappily reduced to idiocy by Neo-Darwinism, pointed out that death is + not an eternal condition of life, but an expedient introduced to provide + for continual renewal without overcrowding. Now Circumstantial Selection + does not account for natural death: it accounts only for the survival of + species in which the individuals have sense enough to decay and die on + purpose. But the individuals do not seem to have calculated very + reasonably: nobody can explain why a parrot should live ten times as long + as a dog, and a turtle be almost immortal. In the case of man, the + operation has overshot its mark: men do not live long enough: they are, + for all the purposes of high civilization, mere children when they die; + and our Prime Ministers, though rated as mature, divide their time between + the golf course and the Treasury Bench in parliament. Presumably, however, + the same power that made this mistake can remedy it. If on opportunist + grounds Man now fixes the term of his life at three score and ten years, + he can equally fix it at three hundred, or three thousand, or even at the + genuine Circumstantial Selection limit, which would be until a + sooner-or-later-inevitable fatal accident makes an end of the individual. + All that is necessary to make him extend his present span is that + tremendous catastrophes such as the late war shall convince him of the + necessity of at least outliving his taste for golf and cigars if the race + is to be saved. This is not fantastic speculation: it is deductive + biology, if there is such a science as biology. Here, then, is a stone + that we have left unturned, and that may be worth turning. To make the + suggestion more entertaining than it would be to most people in the form + of a biological treatise, I have written Back to Methuselah as a + contribution to the modern Bible. + </p> + <p> + Many people, however, can read treatises and cannot read Bibles. Darwin + could not read Shakespear. Some who can read both, like to learn the + history of their ideas. Some are so entangled in the current confusion of + Creative Evolution with Circumstantial Selection by their historical + ignorance that they are puzzled by any distinction between the two. For + all their sakes I must give here a little history of the conflict between + the view of Evolution taken by the Darwinians (though not altogether by + Darwin himself) and called Natural Selection, and that which is emerging, + under the title of Creative Evolution, as the genuinely scientific + religion for which all wise men are now anxiously looking. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE EARLY EVOLUTIONISTS + </h2> + <p> + The idea of Evolution, or Transformation as it is now sometimes called, + was not first conceived by Charles Darwin, nor by Alfred Russel Wallace, + who observed the operation of Circumstantial Selection simultaneously with + Charles. The celebrated Buffoon was a better Evolutionist than either of + them; and two thousand years before Buffon was born, the Greek philosopher + Empedocles opined that all forms of life are transformations of four + elements, Fire, Air, Earth, and Water, effected by the two innate forces + of attraction and repulsion, or love and hate. As lately as 1860 I myself + was taught as a child that everything was made out of these four elements. + Both the Empedocleans and the Evolutionists were opposed to those who + believed in the separate creation of all forms of life as described in the + book of Genesis. This 'conflict between religion and science', as the + phrase went then, did not perplex my infant mind in the least: I knew + perfectly well, without knowing that I knew it, that the validity of a + story is not the same as the occurrence of a fact. But as I grew up I + found that I had to choose between Evolution and Genesis. If you believed + that dogs and cats and snakes and birds and beetles and oysters and whales + and men and women were all separately designed and made and named in Eden + garden at the beginning of things, and have since survived simply by + reproducing their kind, then you were not an Evolutionist. If you + believed, on the contrary, that all the different species are + modifications, variations, and elaborations of one primal stock, or even + of a few primal stocks, then you were an Evolutionist. But you were not + necessarily a Darwinian; for you might have been a modern Evolutionist + twenty years before Charles Darwin was born, and a whole lifetime before + he published his Origin of Species. For that matter, when Aristotle + grouped animals with backbones as blood relations, he began the sort of + classification which, when extended by Darwin to monkeys and men, so + shocked my uncle. + </p> + <p> + Genesis had held the field until the time (1707-1778) of Linnaeus the + famous botanist. In the meantime the microscope had been invented. It + revealed a new world of hitherto invisible creatures called Infusorians, + as common water was found to be an infusion of them. In the eighteenth + century naturalists were very keen on the Infusorian Amoebas, and were + much struck by the way in which the members of this old family behaved and + developed. But it was still possible for Linnaeus to begin a treatise by + saying 'There are just so many species as there were forms created in the + beginning,' though there were hundreds of commonplace Scotch gardeners, + pigeon fanciers, and stock breeders then living who knew better. Linnaeus + himself knew better before he died. In the last edition of his System of + Nature, he began to wonder whether the transmutation of species by + variation might not be possible. Then came the great poet who jumped over + the facts to the conclusion. Goethe said that all the shapes of creation + were cousins; that there must be some common stock from which all the + species had sprung; that it was the environment of air that had produced + the eagle, of water the seal, and of earth the mole. He could not say how + this happened; but he divined that it did happen. Erasmus Darwin, the + grandfather of Charles, carried the environment theory much further, + pointing out instance after instance of modifications made in species + apparently to adapt it to circumstances and environment: for instance, + that the brilliant colors of the leopard, which make it so conspicuous in + Regent's Park, conceal it in a tropical jungle. Finally he wrote, as his + declaration of faith, 'The world has been evolved, not created: it has + arisen little by little from a small beginning, and has increased through + the activity of the elemental forces embodied in itself, and so has rather + grown than come into being at an almighty word. What a sublime idea of the + infinite might of the great Architect, the Cause of all causes, the Father + of all fathers, the Ens Entium! For if we would compare the Infinite, it + would surely require a greater Infinite to cause the causes of effects + than to produce the effects themselves.' In this, published in the year + 1794, you have nineteenth-century Evolution precisely defined. And Erasmus + Darwin was by no means its only apostle. It was in the air then. A German + biologist named Treviranus, whose book was published in 1802, wrote, 'In + every living being there exists a capacity for endless diversity of form. + Each possesses the power of adapting its organization to the variations of + the external world; and it is this power, called into activity by cosmic + changes, which has enabled the simple zoophytes of the primitive world to + climb to higher and higher stages of organization, and has brought endless + variety into nature.' There you have your evolution of Man from the amoeba + all complete whilst Nelson was still alive on the seas. And in 1809, + before the battle of Waterloo, a French soldier named Lamarck, who had + beaten his musket into a microscope and turned zoologist, declared that + species were an illusion produced by the shortness of our individual + lives, and that they were constantly changing and melting into one another + and into new forms as surely as the hand of a clock is continually moving, + though it moves so slowly that it looks stationary to us. We have since + come to think that its industry is less continuous: that the clock stops + for a long time, and then is suddenly 'put on' by a mysterious finger. But + never mind that just at present. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ADVENT OF THE NEO-LAMARCKIANS + </h2> + <p> + I call your special attention to Lamarck, because later on there were + Neo-Lamarckians as well as Neo-Darwinians. I was a Neo-Lamarckian. Lamarck + passed on from the conception of Evolution as a general law to Charles + Darwin's department of it, which was the method of Evolution. Lamarck, + whilst making many ingenious suggestions as to the reaction of external + causes on life and habit, such as changes of climate, food supply, + geological upheavals and so forth, really held as his fundamental + proposition that living organisms changed because they wanted to. As he + stated it, the great factor in Evolution is use and disuse. If you have no + eyes, and want to see, and keep trying to see, you will finally get eyes. + If, like a mole or a subterranean fish, you have eyes and dont want to + see, you will lose your eyes. If you like eating the tender tops of trees + enough to make you concentrate all your energies on the stretching of your + neck, you will finally get a long neck, like the giraffe. This seems + absurd to inconsiderate people at the first blush; but it is within the + personal experience of all of us that it is just by this process that a + child tumbling about the floor becomes a boy walking erect; and that a man + sprawling on the road with a bruised chin, or supine on the ice with a + bashed occiput, becomes a bicyclist and a skater. The process is not + continuous, as it would be if mere practice had anything to do with it; + for though you may improve at each bicycling lesson <i>during</i> the + lesson, when you begin your next lesson you do not begin at the point at + which you left off: you relapse apparently to the beginning. Finally, you + succeed quite suddenly, and do not relapse again. More miraculous still, + you at once exercise the new power unconsciously. Although you are + adapting your front wheel to your balance so elaborately and actively that + the accidental locking of your handle bars for a second will throw you + off; though five minutes before you could not do it at all, yet now you do + it as unconsciously as you grow your finger nails. You have a new faculty, + and must have created some new bodily tissue as its organ. And you have + done it solely by willing. For here there can be no question of + Circumstantial Selection, or the survival of the fittest. The man who is + learning how to ride a bicycle has no advantage over the non-cyclist in + the struggle for existence: quite the contrary. He has acquired a new + habit, an automatic unconscious habit, solely because he wanted to, and + kept trying until it was added unto him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW ACQUIREMENTS ARE INHERITED + </h2> + <p> + But when your son tries to skate or bicycle in his turn, he does not pick + up the accomplishment where you left it, any more than he is born six feet + high with a beard and a tall hat. The set-back that occurred between your + lessons occurs again. The race learns exactly as the individual learns. + Your son relapses, not to the very beginning, but to a point which no + mortal method of measurement can distinguish from the beginning. Now this + is odd; for certain other habits of yours, equally acquired (to the + Evolutionist, of course, all habits are acquired), equally unconscious, + equally automatic, are transmitted without any perceptible relapse. For + instance, the very first act of your son when he enters the world as a + separate individual is to yell with indignation: that yell which + Shakespear thought the most tragic and piteous of all sounds. In the act + of yelling he begins to breathe: another habit, and not even a necessary + one, as the object of breathing can be achieved in other ways, as by deep + sea fishes. He circulates his blood by pumping it with his heart. He + demands a meal, and proceeds at once to perform the most elaborate + chemical operations on the food he swallows. He manufactures teeth; + discards them; and replaces them with fresh ones. Compared to these + habitual feats, walking, standing upright, and bicycling are the merest + trifles; yet it is only by going through the wanting, trying process that + he can stand, walk, or cycle, whereas in the other and far more difficult + and complex habits he not only does not consciously want nor consciously + try, but actually consciously objects very strongly. Take that early habit + of cutting the teeth: would he do that if he could help it? Take that + later habit of decaying and eliminating himself by death—equally an + acquired habit, remember—how he abhors it! Yet the habit has become + so rooted, so automatic, that he must do it in spite of himself, even to + his own destruction. + </p> + <p> + We have here a routine which, given time enough for it to operate, will + finally produce the most elaborate forms of organized life on Lamarckian + lines without the intervention of Circumstantial Selection at all. If you + can turn a pedestrian into a cyclist, and a cyclist into a pianist or + violinist, without the intervention of Circumstantial Selection, you can + turn an amoeba into a man, or a man into a superman, without it. All of + which is rank heresy to the Neo-Darwinian, who imagines that if you stop + Circumstantial Selection, you not only stop development but inaugurate a + rapid and disastrous degeneration. + </p> + <p> + Let us fix the Lamarckian evolutionary process well in our minds. You are + alive; and you want to be more alive. You want an extension of + consciousness and of power. You want, consequently, additional organs, or + additional uses of your existing organs: that is, additional habits. You + get them because you want them badly enough to keep trying for them until + they come. Nobody knows how: nobody knows why: all we know is that the + thing actually takes place. We relapse miserably from effort to effort + until the old organ is modified or the new one created, when suddenly the + impossible becomes possible and the habit is formed. The moment we form it + we want to get rid of the consciousness of it so as to economize our + consciousness for fresh conquests of life; as all consciousness means + preoccupation and obstruction. If we had to think about breathing or + digesting or circulating our blood we should have no attention to spare + for anything else, as we find to our cost when anything goes wrong with + these operations. We want to be unconscious of them just as we wanted to + acquire them; and we finally win what we want. But we win unconsciousness + of our habits at the cost of losing our control of them; and we also build + one habit and its corresponding functional modification of our organs on + another, and so become dependent on our old habits. Consequently we have + to persist in them even when they hurt us. We cannot stop breathing to + avoid an attack of asthma, or to escape drowning. We can lose a habit and + discard an organ when we no longer need them, just as we acquired them; + but this process is slow and broken by relapses; and relics of the organ + and the habit long survive its utility. And if other and still + indispensable habits and modifications have been built on the ones we wish + to discard, we must provide a new foundation for them before we demolish + the old one. This is also a slow process and a very curious one. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MIRACLE OF CONDENSED RECAPITULATION + </h2> + <p> + The relapses between the efforts to acquire a habit are important because, + as we have seen, they recur not only from effort to effort in the case of + the individual, but from generation to generation in the case of the race. + This relapsing from generation to generation is an invariable + characteristic of the evolutionary process. For instance, Raphael, though + descended from eight uninterrupted generations of painters, had to learn + to paint apparently as if no Sanzio had ever handled a brush before. But + he had also to learn to breathe, and digest, and circulate his blood. + Although his father and mother were fully grown adults when he was + conceived, he was not conceived or even born fully grown: he had to go + back and begin as a speck of protoplasm, and to struggle through an + embryonic lifetime, during part of which he was indistinguishable from an + embryonic dog, and had neither a skull nor a backbone. When he at last + acquired these articles, he was for some time doubtful whether he was a + bird or a fish. He had to compress untold centuries of development into + nine months before he was human enough to break loose as an independent + being. And even then he was still so incomplete that his parents might + well have exclaimed 'Good Heavens! have you learnt nothing from our + experience that you come into the world in this ridiculously elementary + state? Why cant you talk and walk and paint and behave decently?' To that + question Baby Raphael had no answer. All he could have said was that this + is how evolution or transformation happens. The time may come when the + same force that compressed the development of millions of years into nine + months may pack many more millions into even a shorter space; so that + Raphaels may be born painters as they are now born breathers and blood + circulators. But they will still begin as specks of protoplasm, and + acquire the faculty of painting in their mother's womb at quite a late + stage of their embryonic life. They must recapitulate the history of + mankind in their own persons, however briefly they may condense it. + </p> + <p> + Nothing was so astonishing and significant in the discoveries of the + embryologists, nor anything so absurdly little appreciated, as this + recapitulation, as it is now called: this power of hurrying up into months + a process which was once so long and tedious that the mere contemplation + of it is unendurable by men whose span of life is three-score-and-ten. It + widened human possibilities to the extent of enabling us to hope that the + most prolonged and difficult operation of our minds may yet become + instantaneous, or, as we call it, instinctive. It also directed our + attention to examples of this packing up of centuries into seconds which + were staring us in the face in all directions. As I write these lines the + newspapers are occupied by the exploits of a child of eight, who has just + defeated twenty adult chess players in twenty games played simultaneously, + and has been able afterwards to reconstruct all the twenty games without + any apparent effort of memory. Most people, including myself, play chess + (when they play it at all) from hand to mouth, and can hardly recall the + last move but one, or foresee the next but two. Also, when I have to make + an arithmetical calculation, I have to do it step by step with pencil and + paper, slowly, reluctantly, and with so little confidence in the result + that I dare not act on it without 'proving' the sum by a further + calculation involving more ciphering. But there are men who can neither + read, write, nor cipher, to whom the answer to such sums as I can do is + instantly obvious without any conscious calculation at all; and the result + is infallible. Yet some of these natural arithmeticians have but a small + vocabulary; are at a loss when they have to find words for any but the + simplest everyday occasions; and cannot for the life of them describe + mechanical operations which they perform daily in the course of their + trade; whereas to me the whole vocabulary of English literature, from + Shakespear to the latest edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, is so + completely and instantaneously at my call that I have never had to consult + even a thesaurus except once or twice when for some reason I wanted a + third or fourth synonym. Again, though I have tried and failed to draw + recognizable portraits of persons I have seen every day for years, Mr + Bernard Partridge, having seen a man once, will, without more strain than + is involved in eating a sandwich, draw him to the life. The keyboard of a + piano is a device I have never been able to master; yet Mr Cyril Scott + uses it exactly as I use my own fingers; and to Sir Edward Elgar an + orchestral score is as instantaneously intelligible at sight as a page of + Shakespear is to me. One man cannot, after trying for years, finger the + flute fluently. Another will take up a flute with a newly invented + arrangement of keys on it, and play it at once with hardly a mistake. We + find people to whom writing is so difficult that they prefer to sign their + name with a mark, and beside them men who master systems of shorthand and + improvise new systems of their own as easily as they learnt the alphabet. + These contrasts are to be seen on all hands, and have nothing to do with + variations in general intelligence, nor even in the specialized + intelligence proper to the faculty in question: for example, no composer + or dramatic poet has ever pretended to be able to perform all the parts he + writes for the singers, actors, and players who are his executants. One + might as well expect Napoleon to be a fencer, or the Astronomer Royal to + know how many beans make five any better than his bookkeeper. Even + exceptional command of language does not imply the possession of ideas to + express; Mezzofanti, the master of fifty-eight languages, had less to say + in them than Shakespear with his little Latin and less Greek; and public + life is the paradise of voluble windbags. + </p> + <p> + All these examples, which might be multiplied by millions, are cases in + which a long, laborious, conscious, detailed process of acquirement has + been condensed into an instinctive and unconscious inborn one. Factors + which formerly had to be considered one by one in succession are + integrated into what seems a single simple factor. Chains of hardly + soluble problems have coalesced in one problem which solves itself the + moment it is raised. What is more, they have been pushed back (or forward, + if you like) from post-natal to pre-natal ones. The child in the womb may + take some time over them; but it is a miraculously shortened time. + </p> + <p> + The time phenomena involved are curious, and suggest that we are either + wrong about our history or else that we enormously exaggerate the periods + required for the pre-natal acquirement of habits. In the nineteenth + century we talked very glibly about geological periods, and flung millions + of eons about in the most lordly manner in our reaction against Archbishop + Ussher's chronology. We had a craze for big figures, and positively liked + to believe that the progress made by the child in the womb in a month was + represented in prehistoric time by ages and ages. We insisted that + Evolution advanced more slowly than any snail ever crawled, and that + Nature does not proceed by leaps and bounds. This was all very well as + long as we were dealing with such acquired habits as breathing or + digestion. It was possible to believe that dozens of epochs had gone to + the slow building up of these habits. But when we have to consider the + case of a man born not only as an accomplished metabolist, but with such + an aptitude for shorthand and keyboard manipulation that he is a + stenographer or pianist at least five sixths ready-made as soon as he can + control his hands intelligently, we are forced to suspect either that + keyboards and shorthand are older inventions than we suppose, or else that + acquirements can be assimilated and stored as congenital qualifications in + a shorter time than we think; so that, as between Lyell and Archbishop + Ussher, the laugh may not be with Lyell quite so uproariously as it seemed + fifty years ago. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HEREDITY AN OLD STORY + </h2> + <p> + It is evident that the evolutionary process is a hereditary one, or, to + put it less drily, that human life is continuous and immortal. The + Evolutionists took heredity for granted. So did everybody. The human mind + has been soaked in heredity as long back as we can trace its thought. + Hereditary peers, hereditary monarchs, hereditary castes and trades and + classes were the best known of social institutions, and in some cases of + public nuisances. Pedigree men counted pedigree dogs and pedigree horses + among their most cherished possessions. Far from being unconscious of + heredity, or sceptical, men were insanely credulous about it: they not + only believed in the transmission of qualities and habits from generation + to generation, but expected the son to begin mentally where the father + left off. + </p> + <p> + This belief in heredity led naturally to the practice of Intentional + Selection. Good blood and breeding were eagerly sought after in human + marriage. In dealing with plants and animals, selection with a view to the + production of new varieties and the improvement and modification of + species had been practised ever since men began to cultivate them. My + pre-Darwinian uncle knew as well as Darwin that the race-horse and the + dray-horse are not separate creations from the Garden of Eden, but + adaptations by deliberate human selection of the medieval war-horse to + modern racing and industrial haulage. He knew that there are nearly two + hundred different sorts of dogs, all capable of breeding with one another + and of producing cross varieties unknown to Adam. He knew that the same + thing is true of pigeons. He knew that gardeners had spent their lives + trying to breed black tulips and green carnations and unheard-of orchids, + and had actually produced flowers just as strange to Eve. His quarrel with + the Evolutionists was not a quarrel with the evidence for Evolution: he + had accepted enough of it to prove Evolution ten times over before he ever + heard of it. What he repudiated was cousinship with the ape, and the + implied suspicion of a rudimentary tail, because it was offensive to his + sense of his own dignity, and because he thought that apes were + ridiculous, and tails diabolical when associated with the erect posture. + Also he believed that Evolution was a heresy which involved the + destruction of Christianity, of which, as a member of the Irish Church + (the pseudo-Protestant one), he conceived himself a pillar. But this was + only his ignorance; for man may deny his descent from an ape and be + eligible as a churchwarden without being any the less a convinced + Evolutionist. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DISCOVERY ANTICIPATED BY DIVINATION + </h2> + <p> + What is more, the religious folk can claim to be among the pioneers of + Evolutionism. Weismann, Neo-Darwinist though he was, devoted a long + passage in his History of Evolution to the Nature Philosophy of Lorenz + Oken, published in 1809. Oken defined natural science as 'the science of + the everlasting transmutations of the Holy Ghost in the world.' His + religion had started him on the right track, and not only led him to think + out a whole scheme of Evolution in abstract terms, but guided his aim in a + significantly good scientific shot which brought him within the scope of + Weismann. He not only defined the original substance from which all forms + of life have developed as protoplasm, or, as he called it, primitive slime + (<i>Urschleim</i>), but actually declared that this slime took the form of + vesicles out of which the universe was built. Here was the modern cell + morphology guessed by a religious thinker long before the microscope and + the scalpel forced it on the vision of mere laboratory workers who could + not think and had no religion. They worked hard to discover the vital + secrets of the glands by opening up dogs and cutting out the glands, or + tying up their ducts, or severing their nerves, thereby learning, + negatively, that the governors of our vital forces do not hold their + incessant conversations through the nerves, and, positively, how miserably + a horribly injured dog can die, leaving us to infer that we shall probably + perish likewise if we grudge our guineas to Harley Street. Lorenz Oken <i>thought</i> + very hard to find out what was happening to the Holy Ghost, and thereby + made a contribution of extraordinary importance to our understanding of + uninjured creatures. The man who was scientific enough to see that the + Holy Ghost is a scientific fact got easily in front of the blockheads who + could only sin against it. Hence my uncle was turning his back on very + respectable company when he derided Evolution, and would probably have + recanted and apologized at once had anybody pointed out to him what a + solecism he was committing. + </p> + <p> + The metaphysical side of Evolution was thus no novelty when Darwin + arrived. Had Oken never lived, there would still have been millions of + persons trained from their childhood to believe that we are continually + urged upwards by a force called the Will of God. In 1819 Schopenhauer + published his treatise on The World as Will, which is the metaphysical + complement to Lamarck's natural history, as it demonstrates that the + driving force behind Evolution is a will-to-live, and to live, as Christ + said long before, more abundantly. And the earlier philosophers, from + Plato to Leibniz, had kept the human mind open for the thought of the + universe as one idea behind all its physically apprehensible + transformations. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CORRECTED DATES FOR THE DISCOVERY OF EVOLUTION + </h2> + <p> + All this, remember, is the state of things in the pre-Darwin period, which + so many of us still think of as a pre-evolutionary period. Evolutionism + was the rage before Queen Victoria came to the throne. To fix this + chronology, let me repeat the story told by Weismann of the July + revolution in Paris in 1830, when the French got rid of Charles the Tenth. + Goethe was then still living; and a French friend of his called on him and + found him wildly excited. 'What do you think of the great event?' said + Goethe. 'The volcano is in eruption; and all is in flames. There can no + longer be discussion with closed doors.' The Frenchman replied that no + doubt it was a terrible business; but what could they expect with such a + ministry and such a king? 'Stuff!' said Goethe: 'I am not thinking of + these people at all, but of the open rupture in the French Academy between + Cuvier and St Hilaire. It is of the utmost importance to science,' The + rupture Goethe meant was about Evolution, Cuvier contending that there + were four species, and St Hilaire that there was only one. + </p> + <p> + From 1830, when Darwin was an apparently unpromising lad of twenty-one, + until 1859, when he turned the world upside down by his Origin of Species, + there was a slump in Evolutionism. The first generation of its enthusiasts + was ageing and dying out; and their successors were being taught from the + Book of Genesis, just as Edward VI was (and Edward VII too, for that + matter). Nobody who knew the theory was adding anything to it. This slump + not only heightened the impression of entire novelty when Darwin brought + the subject to the front again: it probably prevented him from realizing + how much had been done before, even by his own grandfather, to whom he was + accused of being unjust. Besides, he was not really carrying on the family + business. He was an entirely original worker; and he was on a new tack, as + we shall see presently. And he would not in any case have thought much, as + a practical naturalist, of the more or less mystical intellectual + speculations of the Deists of 1790-1830. Scientific workers were very + tired of Deism just then. They had given up the riddle of the Great First + Cause as insoluble, and were calling themselves, accordingly, Agnostics. + They had turned from the inscrutable question of Why things existed, to + the spade work of discovering What was really occurring in the world and + How it really occurred. + </p> + <p> + With all his attention bent in this new direction, Darwin soon noticed + that a good deal was occurring in an entirely unmystical and even + unmeaning way of which the older speculative Deist-Evolutionists had taken + little or no account. Nowadays, when we are turning in weary disgust and + disillusion from Neo-Darwinism and Mechanism to Vitalism and Creative + Evolution, it is difficult to imagine how this new departure of Darwin's + could possibly have appealed to his contemporaries as exciting, agreeable, + above all as hopeful. Let me therefore try to bring back something of the + atmosphere of that time by describing a scene, very characteristic of its + superstitions, in which I took what was then considered an unspeakably + shocking part. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DEFYING THE LIGHTNING: A FRUSTRATED EXPERIMENT + </h2> + <p> + One evening in 1878 or thereabouts, I, being then in my earliest twenties, + was at a bachelor party of young men of the professional class in the + house of a doctor in the Kensingtonian quarter of London. They fell to + talking about religious revivals; and an anecdote was related of a man + who, having incautiously scoffed at the mission of Messrs Moody and + Sankey, a then famous firm of American evangelists, was subsequently + carried home on a shutter, slain by divine vengeance as a blasphemer. A + timid minority, without quite venturing to question the truth of the + incident—for they naturally did not care to run the risk of going + home on shutters themselves—nevertheless shewed a certain + disposition to cavil at those who exulted in it; and something approaching + to an argument began. At last it was alleged by the most evangelical of + the disputants that Charles Bradlaugh, the most formidable atheist on the + Secularist platform, had taken out his watch publicly and challenged the + Almighty to strike him dead in five minutes if he really existed and + disapproved of atheism. The leader of the cavillers, with great heat, + repudiated this as a gross calumny, declaring that Bradlaugh had + repeatedly and indignantly contradicted it, and implying that the atheist + champion was far too pious a man to commit such a blasphemy. This + exquisite confusion of ideas roused my sense of comedy. It was clear to me + that the challenge attributed to Charles Bradlaugh was a scientific + experiment of a quite simple, straightforward, and proper kind to + ascertain whether the expression of atheistic opinions really did involve + any personal risk. It was certainly the method taught in the Bible, Elijah + having confuted the prophets of Baal in precisely that way, with every + circumstance of bitter mockery of their god when he failed to send down + fire from heaven. Accordingly I said that if the question at issue were + whether the penalty of questioning the theology of Messrs Moody and Sankey + was to be struck dead on the spot by an incensed deity, nothing could + effect a more convincing settlement of it than the very obvious experiment + attributed to Mr Bradlaugh, and that consequently if he had not tried it, + he ought to have tried it. The omission, I added, was one which could + easily be remedied there and then, as I happened to share Mr Bradlaugh's + views as to the absurdity of the belief in these violent interferences + with the order of nature by a short-tempered and thin-skinned supernatural + deity. Therefore—and at that point I took out my watch. + </p> + <p> + The effect was electrical. Neither sceptics nor devotees were prepared to + abide the result of the experiment. In vain did I urge the pious to trust + in the accuracy of their deity's aim with a thunderbolt, and the justice + of his discrimination between the innocent and the guilty. In vain did I + appeal to the sceptics to accept the logical outcome of their scepticism: + it soon appeared that when thunderbolts were in question there were no + sceptics. Our host, seeing that his guests would vanish precipitately if + the impious challenge were uttered, leaving him alone with a solitary + infidel under sentence of extermination in five minutes, interposed and + forbade the experiment, pleading at the same time for a change of subject. + I of course complied, but could not refrain from remarking that though the + dreadful words had not been uttered, yet, as the thought had been + formulated in my mind, it was very doubtful whether the consequences could + be averted by sealing my lips. However, the rest appeared to feel that the + game would be played according to the rules, and that it mattered very + little what I thought so long as I said nothing. Only the leader of the + evangelical party, I thought, was a little preoccupied until five minutes + had elapsed and the weather was still calm. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IN QUEST OF THE FIRST CAUSE + </h2> + <p> + Another reminiscence. In those days we thought in terms of time and space, + of cause and effect, as we still do; but we do not now demand from a + religion that it shall explain the universe completely in terms of cause + and effect, and present the world to us as a manufactured article and as + the private property of its Manufacturer. We did then. We were invited to + pity the delusion of certain heathens who held that the world is supported + by an elephant who is supported by a tortoise. Mahomet decided that the + mountains are great weights to keep the world from being blown away into + space. But we refuted these orientals by asking triumphantly what the + tortoise stands on? Freethinkers asked which came first: the owl or the + egg. Nobody thought of saying that the ultimate problem of existence, + being clearly insoluble and even unthinkable on causation lines, could not + be a causation problem. To pious people this would have been flat atheism, + because they assumed that God must be a Cause, and sometimes called him + The Great First Cause, or, in still choicer language, The Primal Cause. To + the Rationalists it would have been a renunciation of reason. Here and + there a man would confess that he stood as with a dim lantern in a dense + fog, and could see but a little way in any direction into infinity. But he + did not really believe that infinity was infinite or that the eternal was + also sempiternal: he assumed that all things, known and unknown, were + caused. + </p> + <p> + Hence it was that I found myself one day towards the end of the + eighteen-seventies in a cell in the old Brompton Oratory arguing with + Father Addis, who had been called by one of his flock to attempt my + conversion to Roman Catholicism. The universe exists, said the father: + somebody must have made it. If that somebody exists, said I, somebody must + have made him. I grant that for the sake of argument, said the Oratorian. + I grant you a maker of God. I grant you a maker of the maker of God. I + grant you as long a line of makers as you please; but an infinity of + makers is unthinkable and extravagant: it is no harder to believe in + number one than in number fifty thousand or fifty million; so why not + accept number one and stop there, since no attempt to get behind him will + remove your logical difficulty? By your leave, said I, it is as easy for + me to believe that the universe made itself as that a maker of the + universe made himself: in fact much easier; for the universe visibly + exists and makes itself as it goes along, whereas a maker for it is a + hypothesis. Of course we could get no further on these lines. He rose and + said that we were like two men working a saw, he pushing it forward and I + pushing it back, and cutting nothing; but when we had dropped the subject + and were walking through the refectory, he returned to it for a moment to + say that he should go mad if he lost his belief. I, glorying in the robust + callousness of youth and the comedic spirit, felt quite comfortable and + said so; though I was touched, too, by his evident sincerity. + </p> + <p> + These two anecdotes are superficially trivial and even comic; but there is + an abyss of horror beneath them. They reveal a condition so utterly + irreligious that religion means nothing but belief in a nursery bogey, and + its inadequacy is demonstrated by a toy logical dilemma, neither the bogey + nor the dilemma having anything to do with religion, or being serious + enough to impose on or confuse any properly educated child over the age of + six. One hardly knows which is the more appalling: the abjectness of the + credulity or the flippancy of the scepticism. The result was inevitable. + All who were strong-minded enough not to be terrified by the bogey were + left stranded in empty contemptuous negation, and argued, when they argued + at all, as I argued with Father Addis. But their position was not + intellectually comfortable. A member of parliament expressed their + discomfort when, objecting to the admission of Charles Bradlaugh into + parliament, he said 'Hang it all, a man should believe in something or + somebody.' It was easy to throw the bogey into the dustbin; but none the + less the world, our corner of the universe, did not look like a pure + accident: it presented evidences of design in every direction. There was + mind and purpose behind it. As the anti-Bradlaugh member would have put + it, there must be somebody behind the something: no atheist could get over + that. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PALEY'S WATCH + </h2> + <p> + Paley had put the argument in an apparently unanswerable form. If you + found a watch, full of mechanism exquisitely adapted to produce a series + of operations all leading to the fulfilment of one central purpose of + measuring for mankind the march of the day and night, could you believe + that it was not the work of a cunning artificer who had designed and + contrived it all to that end? And here was a far more wonderful thing than + a watch, a man with all his organs ingeniously contrived, cords and + levers, girders and kingposts, circulating systems of pipes and valves, + dialysing membranes, chemical retorts, carburettors, ventilators, inlets + and outlets, telephone transmitters in his ears, light recorders and + lenses in his eye: was it conceivable that this was the work of chance? + that no artificer had wrought here? that there was no purpose in this, no + design, no guiding intelligence? The thing was incredible. In vain did + Helmholtz declare that 'the eye has every possible defect that can be + found in an optical instrument, and even some peculiar to itself,' and + that 'if an optician tried to sell me an instrument which had all these + defects I should think myself quite justified in blaming his carelessness + in the strongest terms, and sending him back his instrument.' To discredit + the optician's skill was not to get rid of the optician. The eye might not + be so cleverly made as Paley thought, but it was made somehow, by + somebody. + </p> + <p> + And then my argument with Father Addis began all over again. It was easy + enough to say that every man makes his own eyes: indeed the embryologists + had actually caught him doing it. But what about the very evident purpose + that prompted him to do it? Why did he want to see, if not to extend his + consciousness and his knowledge and his power? That purpose was at work + everywhere, and must be something bigger than the individual eye-making + man. Only the stupidest muckrakers could fail to see this, and even to + know it as part of their own consciousness. Yet to admit it seemed to + involve letting the bogey come back, so inextricably had we managed to mix + up belief in the bogey's existence with belief in the existence of design + in the universe. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE IRRESISTIBLE CRY OF ORDER, ORDER! + </h2> + <p> + Our scornful young scientific and philosophic lions of today must not + blame the Church of England for this confusion of thought. In 1562 the + Church, in convocation in London 'for the avoiding of diversities of + opinions and for the establishment of consent touching true religion,' + proclaimed in their first utterance, and as an Article of Religion, that + God is 'without body, parts, or passions,' or, as we say, an <i>Elan Vital</i> + or Life Force. Unfortunately neither parents, parsons, nor pedagogues + could be induced to adopt that article. St John might say that 'God is + spirit' as pointedly as he pleased; our Sovereign Lady Elizabeth might + ratify the Article again and again; serious divines might feel as deeply + as they could that a God with body, parts, and passions could be nothing + but an anthropomorphic idol: no matter: people at large could not conceive + a God who was not anthropomorphic: they stood by the Old Testament legends + of a God whose parts had been seen by one of the patriarchs, and finally + set up as against the Church a God who, far from being without body, + parts, or passions, was composed of nothing else, and of very evil + passions too. They imposed this idol in practice on the Church itself, in + spite of the First Article, and thereby homeopathically produced the + atheist, whose denial of God was simply a denial of the idol and a + demonstration against an unbearable and most unchristian idolatry. The + idol was, as Shelley had been expelled from Oxford for pointing out, an + almighty fiend, with a petty character and unlimited power, spiteful, + cruel, jealous, vindictive, and physically violent. The most villainous + schoolmasters, the most tyrannical parents, fell far short in their + attempts to imitate it. But it was not its social vices that brought it + low. What made it scientifically intolerable was that it was ready at a + moment's notice to upset the whole order of the universe on the most + trumpery provocation, whether by stopping the sun in the valley of Ajalon + or sending an atheist home dead on a shutter (the shutter was + indispensable because it marked the utter unpreparedness of the atheist, + who, unable to save himself by a deathbed repentance, was subsequently + roasted through all eternity in blazing brimstone). It was this + disorderliness, this refusal to obey its own laws of nature, that created + a scientific need for its destruction. Science could stand a cruel and + unjust god; for nature was full of suffering and injustice. But a + disorderly god was impossible. In the Middle Ages a compromise had been + made by which two different orders of truth, religious and scientific, had + been recognized, in order that a schoolman might say that two and two make + four without being burnt for heresy. But the nineteenth century, steeped + in a meddling, presumptuous, reading-and-writing, socially and politically + powerful ignorance inconceivable by Thomas Aquinas or even Roger Bacon, + was incapable of so convenient an arrangement; and science was strangled + by bigoted ignoramuses claiming infallibility for their interpretation of + the Bible, which was regarded, not as a literature nor even as a book, but + partly as an oracle which answered and settled all questions, and partly + as a talisman to be carried by soldiers in their breast pockets or placed + under the pillows of persons who were afraid of ghosts. The tract shops + exhibited in their windows bullet-dinted testaments, mothers' gifts to + their soldier sons whose lives had been saved by it; for the + muzzle-loaders of those days could not drive a projectile through so many + pages. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE MOMENT AND THE MAN + </h2> + <p> + This superstition of a continual capricious disorder in nature, of a + lawgiver who was also a lawbreaker, made atheists in all directions among + clever and lightminded people. But atheism did not account for Paley's + watch. Atheism accounted for nothing; and it was the business of science + to account for everything that was plainly accountable. Science had no use + for mere negation: what was desired by it above all things just then was a + demonstration that the evidences of design could be explained without + resort to the hypothesis of a personal designer. If only some genius, + whilst admitting Paley's facts, could knock the brains out of Paley by the + discovery of a method whereby watches could happen without watchmakers, + that genius was assured of such a welcome from the thought of his day as + no natural philosopher had ever enjoyed before. + </p> + <p> + The time being thus ripe, the genius appeared; and his name was Charles + Darwin. And now, what did Darwin really discover? + </p> + <p> + Here, I am afraid, I shall require once more the assistance of the + giraffe, or, as he was called in the days of the celebrated Buffoon, the + camelopard (by children, cammyleopard). I do not remember how this animal + imposed himself illustratively on the Evolution controversy; but there was + no getting away from him then; and I am old-fashioned enough to be unable + to get away from him now. How did he come by his long neck? Lamarck would + have said, by wanting to get at the tender leaves high up on the tree, and + trying until he succeeded in wishing the necessary length of neck into + existence. Another answer was also possible: namely, that some prehistoric + stockbreeder, wishing to produce a natural curiosity, selected the + longest-necked animals he could find, and bred from them until at last an + animal with an abnormally long neck was evolved by intentional selection, + just as the race-horse or the fantail pigeon has been evolved. Both these + explanations, you will observe, involve consciousness, will, design, + purpose, either on the part of the animal itself or on the part of a + superior intelligence controlling its destiny. Darwin pointed out—and + this and no more was Darwin's famous discovery—that a third + explanation, involving neither will nor purpose nor design either in the + animal or anyone else, was on the cards. If your neck is too short to + reach your food, you die. That may be the simple explanation of the fact + that all the surviving animals that feed on foliage have necks or trunks + long enough to reach it. So bang goes your belief that the necks must have + been designed to reach the food. But Lamarck did not believe that the + necks were so designed in the beginning: he believed that the long necks + were evolved by wanting and trying. Not necessarily, said Darwin. Consider + the effect on the giraffes of the natural multiplication of their numbers, + as insisted on by Malthus. Suppose the average height of the + foliage-eating animals is four feet, and that they increase in numbers + until a time comes when all the trees are eaten away to within four feet + of the ground. Then the animals who happen to be an inch or two short of + the average will die of starvation. All the animals who happen to be an + inch or so above the average will be better fed and stronger than the + others. They will secure the strongest and tallest mates; and their + progeny will survive whilst the average ones and the sub-average ones will + die out. This process, by which the species gains, say, an inch in reach, + will repeat itself until the giraffe's neck is so long that he can always + find food enough within his reach, at which point, of course, the + selective process stops and the length of the giraffe's neck stops with + it. Otherwise, he would grow until he could browse off the trees in the + moon. And this, mark you, without the intervention of any stockbreeder, + human or divine, and without will, purpose, design, or even consciousness + beyond the blind will to satisfy hunger. It is true that this blind will, + being in effect a will to live, gives away the whole case; but still, as + compared to the open-eyed intelligent wanting and trying of Lamarck, the + Darwinian process may be described as a chapter of accidents. As such, it + seems simple, because you do not at first realize all that it involves. + But when its whole significance dawns on you, your heart sinks into a heap + of sand within you. There is a hideous fatalism about it, a ghastly and + damnable reduction of beauty and intelligence, of strength and purpose, of + honor and aspiration, to such casually picturesque changes as an avalanche + may make in a mountain landscape, or a railway accident in a human figure. + To call this Natural Selection is a blasphemy, possible to many for whom + Nature is nothing but a casual aggregation of inert and dead matter, but + eternally impossible to the spirits and souls of the righteous. If it be + no blasphemy, but a truth of science, then the stars of heaven, the + showers and dew, the winter and summer, the fire and heat, the mountains + and hills, may no longer be called to exalt the Lord with us by praise; + their work is to modify all things by blindly starving and murdering + everything that is not lucky enough to survive in the universal struggle + for hogwash. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE BRINK OF THE BOTTOMLESS PIT + </h2> + <p> + Thus did the neck of the giraffe reach out across the whole heavens and + make men believe that what they saw there was a gloaming of the gods. For + if this sort of selection could turn an antelope into a giraffe, it could + conceivably turn a pond full of amoebas into the French Academy. Though + Lamarck's way, the way of life, will, aspiration, and achievement, + remained still possible, this newly shewn way of hunger, death, stupidity, + delusion, chance, and bare survival was also possible: was indeed most + certainly the way in which many apparently intelligently designed + transformations had actually come to pass. Had I not preluded with the + apparently idle story of my revival of the controversial methods of + Elijah, I should be asked how it was that the explorer who opened up this + gulf of despair, far from being stoned or crucified as the destroyer of + the honor of the race and the purpose of the world, was hailed as + Deliverer, Savior, Prophet, Redeemer, Enlightener, Rescuer, Hope Giver, + and Epoch Maker; whilst poor Lamarck was swept aside as a crude and + exploded guesser hardly worthy to be named as his erroneous forerunner. In + the light of my anecdote, the explanation is obvious. The first thing the + gulf did was to swallow up Paley, and the Disorderly Designer, and + Shelley's Almighty Fiend, and all the rest of the pseudo-religious rubbish + that had blocked every upward and onward path since the hopes of men had + turned to Science as their true Savior. It seemed such a convenient grave + that nobody at first noticed that it was nothing less than the bottomless + pit, now become a very real terror. For though Darwin left a path round it + for his soul, his followers presently dug it right across the whole width + of the way. Yet for the moment, there was nothing but wild rejoicing: a + sort of scientific mafficking. We had been so oppressed by the notion that + everything that happened in the world was the arbitrary personal act of an + arbitrary personal god of dangerously jealous and cruel personal + character, so that even the relief of the pains of childbirth and the + operating table by chloroform was objected to as an interference with his + arrangements which he would probably resent, that we just jumped at + Darwin. When Napoleon was asked what would happen when he died, he said + that Europe would express its intense relief with a great 'Ouf!': Well, + when Darwin killed the god who objected to chloroform, everybody who had + ever thought about it said 'Ouf!' Paley was buried fathoms deep with his + watch, now fully accounted for without any divine artificer at all. We + were so glad to be rid of both that we never gave a thought to the + consequences. When a prisoner sees the door of his dungeon open, he dashes + for it without stopping to think where he shall get his dinner outside. + The moment we found that we could do without Shelley's almighty fiend + intellectually, he went into the gulf that seemed only a dustbin with a + suddenness that made our own lives one of the most astonishing periods in + history. If I had told that uncle of mine that within thirty years from + the date of our conversation I should be exposing myself to suspicions of + the grossest superstition by questioning the sufficiency of Darwin; + maintaining the reality of the Holy Ghost; declaring that the phenomenon + of the Word becoming Flesh was occurring daily, he would have regarded me + as the most extravagant madman our family had ever produced. Yet it was + so. In 1906 I might have vituperated Jehovah more heartily than ever + Shelley did without eliciting a protest in any circle of thinkers, or + shocking any public audience accustomed to modern discussion; but when I + described Darwin as 'an intelligent and industrious pigeon fancier,' that + blasphemous levity, as it seemed, was received with horror and + indignation. The tide has now turned; and every puny whipster may say what + he likes about Darwin; but anyone who wants to know what it was to be a + Lamarckian during the last quarter of the nineteenth century has only to + read Mr Festing Jones's memoir of Samuel Butler to learn how completely + even a man of genius could isolate himself by antagonizing Darwin on the + one hand and the Church on the other. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHY DARWIN CONVERTED THE CROWD + </h2> + <p> + I am well aware that in describing the effect of Darwin's discovery on + naturalists and on persons capable of serious reflection on the nature and + attributes of God, I am leaving the vast mass of the British public out of + account. I have pointed out elsewhere that the British nation does not + consist of atheists and Plymouth Brothers; and I am not now going to + pretend that it ever consisted of Darwinians and Lamarckians. The average + citizen is irreligious and unscientific: you talk to him about cricket and + golf, market prices and party politics, not about evolution and + relativity, transubstantiation and predestination. Nothing will knock into + his head the fateful distinction between Evolution as promulgated by + Erasmus Darwin, and Circumstantial (so-called Natural) Selection as + revealed by his grandson. Yet the doctrine of Charles reached him, though + the doctrine of Erasmus had passed over his head. Why did not Erasmus + Darwin popularize the word Evolution as effectively as Charles? + </p> + <p> + The reason was, I think, that Circumstantial Selection is easier to + understand, more visible and concrete, than Lamarckian evolution. + Evolution as a philosophy and physiology of the will is a mystical + process, which can be apprehended only by a trained, apt, and + comprehensive thinker. Though the phenomena of use and disuse, of wanting + and trying, of the manufacture of weight lifters and wrestlers from men of + ordinary strength, are familiar enough as facts, they are extremely + puzzling as subjects of thought, and lead you into metaphysics the moment + you try to account for them. But pigeon fanciers, dog fanciers, gardeners, + stock breeders, or stud grooms, can understand Circumstantial Selection, + because it is their business to produce transformation by imposing on + flowers and animals a Selection From Without. All that Darwin had to say + to them was that the mere chapter of accidents is always doing on a huge + scale what they themselves are doing on a very small scale. There is + hardly a laborer attached to an English country house who has not taken a + litter of kittens or puppies to the bucket, and drowned all of them except + the one he thinks the most promising. Such a man has nothing to learn + about the survival of the fittest except that it acts in more ways than he + has yet noticed; for he knows quite well, as you will find if you are not + too proud to talk to him, that this sort of selection occurs naturally (in + Darwin's sense) too: that, for instance, a hard winter will kill off a + weakly child as the bucket kills off a weakly puppy. Then there is the + farm laborer. Shakespear's Touchstone, a court-bred fool, was shocked to + find in the shepherd a natural philosopher, and opined that he would be + damned for the part he took in the sexual selection of sheep. As to the + production of new species by the selection of variations, that is no news + to your gardener. Now if you are familiar with these three processes: the + survival of the fittest, sexual selection, and variation leading to new + kinds, there is nothing to puzzle you in Darwinism. + </p> + <p> + That was the secret of Darwin's popularity. He never puzzled anybody. If + very few of us have read The Origin of Species from end to end, it is not + because it overtaxes our mind, but because we take in the whole case and + are prepared to accept it long before we have come to the end of the + innumerable instances and illustrations of which the book mainly consists. + Darwin becomes tedious in the manner of a man who insists on continuing to + prove his innocence after he has been acquitted. You assure him that there + is not a stain on his character, and beg him to leave the court; but he + will not be content with enough evidence: he will have you listen to all + the evidence that exists in the world. Darwin's industry was enormous. His + patience, his perseverance, his conscientiousness reached the human limit. + But he never got deeper beneath or higher above his facts than an ordinary + man could follow him. He was not conscious of having raised a stupendous + issue, because, though it arose instantly, it was not his business. He was + conscious of having discovered a process of transformation and + modification which accounted for a great deal of natural history. But he + did not put it forward as accounting for the whole of natural history. He + included it under the heading of Evolution, though it was only + pseudo-evolution at best; but he revealed it as <i>a</i> method of + evolution, not as <i>the</i> method of evolution. He did not pretend that + it excluded other methods, or that it was the chief method. Though he + demonstrated that many transformations which had been taken as functional + adaptations (the current phrase for Lamarckian evolution) either certainly + were or conceivably might be due to Circumstantial Selection, he was + careful not to claim that he had superseded Lamarck or disproved + Functional Adaptation. In short, he was not a Darwinian, but an honest + naturalist working away at his job with so little preoccupation with + theological speculation that he never quarrelled with the theistic + Unitarianism into which he was born, and remained to the end the + engagingly simple and socially easy-going soul he had been in his boyhood, + when his elders doubted whether he would ever be of much use in the world. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW WE RUSHED DOWN A STEEP PLACE + </h2> + <p> + Not so the rest of us intellectuals. We all began going to the devil with + the utmost cheerfulness. Everyone who had a mind to change, changed it. + Only Samuel Butler, on whom Darwin had acted homeopathically, reacted + against him furiously; ran up the Lamarckian flag to the top-gallant peak; + declared with penetrating accuracy that Darwin had 'banished mind from the + universe'; and even attacked Darwin's personal character, unable to bear + the fact that the author of so abhorrent a doctrine was an amiable and + upright man. Nobody would listen to him. He was so completely submerged by + the flowing tide of Darwinism that when Darwin wanted to clear up the + misunderstanding on which Butler was basing his personal attacks, Darwin's + friends, very foolishly and snobbishly, persuaded him that Butler was too + ill-conditioned and negligible to be answered. That they could not + recognize in Butler a man of genius mattered little: what did matter was + that they could not understand the provocation under which he was raging. + They actually regarded the banishment of mind from the universe as a + glorious enlightenment and emancipation for which he was ignorantly + ungrateful. Even now, when Butler's eminence is unchallenged, and his + biographer, Mr Festing Jones, is enjoying a vogue like that of Boswell or + Lockhart, his memoirs shew him rather as a shocking example of the bad + controversial manners of our country parsonages than as a prophet who + tried to head us back when we were gaily dancing to our damnation across + the rainbow bridge which Darwinism had thrown over the gulf which + separates life and hope from death and despair. We were intellectually + intoxicated with the idea that the world could make itself without design, + purpose, skill, or intelligence: in short, without life. We completely + overlooked the difference between the modification of species by + adaptation to their environment and the appearance of new species: we just + threw in the word 'variations' or the word 'sports' (fancy a man of + science talking of an unknown factor as a sport instead of as <i>x</i>!) + and left them to 'accumulate' and account for the difference between a + cockatoo and a hippopotamus. Such phrases set us free to revel in + demonstrating to the Vitalists and Bible worshippers that if we once admit + the existence of any kind of force, however unintelligent, and stretch out + the past to unlimited time for such force to operate accidentally in, that + force may conceivably, by the action of Circumstantial Selection, produce + a world in which every function has an organ perfectly adapted to perform + it, and therefore presents every appearance of having been designed, like + Paley's watch, by a conscious and intelligent artificer for the purpose. + We took a perverse pleasure in arguing, without the least suspicion that + we were reducing ourselves to absurdity, that all the books in the British + Museum library might have been written word for word as they stand on the + shelves if no human being had ever been conscious, just as the trees stand + in the forest doing wonderful things without consciousness. + </p> + <p> + And the Darwinians went far beyond denying consciousness to trees. + Weismann insisted that the chick breaks out of its eggshell automatically; + that the butterfly, springing into the air to avoid the pounce of the + lizard, 'does not wish to avoid death; knows nothing about death,' what + has happened being simply that a flight instinct evolved by Circumstantial + Selection reacts promptly to a visual impression produced by the lizard's + movement. His proof is that the butterfly immediately settles again on the + flower, and repeats the performance every time the lizard springs, thus + shewing that it learns nothing from experience, and—Weismann + concludes—is not conscious of what it does. + </p> + <p> + It should hardly have escaped so curious an observer that when the cat + jumps up on the dinner table, and you put it down, it instantly jumps up + again, and finally establishes its right to a place on the cloth by + convincing you that if you put it down a hundred times it will jump up a + hundred and one times; so that if you desire its company at dinner you can + have it only on its own terms. If Weismann really thought that cats act + thus without any consciousness or any purpose, immediate or ulterior, he + must have known very little about cats. But a thoroughgoing Weismannite, + if any such still survive from those mad days, would contend that I am not + at present necessarily conscious of what I am doing; that my writing of + these lines, and your reading of them, are effects of Circumstantial + Selection; that I heed know no more about Darwinism than a butterfly knows + of a lizard's appetite; and that the proof that I actually am doing it + unconsciously is that as I have spent forty years in writing in this + fashion without, as far as I can see, producing any visible effect on + public opinion, I must be incapable of learning from experience, and am + therefore a mere automaton. And the Weismannite demonstration of this + would of course be an equally unconscious effect of Circumstantial + Selection. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DARWINISM NOT FINALLY REFUTABLE + </h2> + <p> + Do not too hastily say that this is inconceivable. To Circumstantial + Selection all mechanical and chemical reactions are possible, provided you + accept the geologists' estimates of the great age of the earth, and + therefore allow time enough for the circumstances to operate. It is true + that mere survival of the fittest in the struggle for existence plus + sexual selection fail as hopelessly to account for Darwin's own life work + as for my conquest of the bicycle; but who can prove that there are not + other soulless factors, unnoticed or undiscovered, which only require + imagination enough to fit them to the evolution of an automatic Jesus or + Shakespear? When a man tells you that you are a product of Circumstantial + Selection solely, you cannot finally disprove it. You can only tell him + out of the depths of your inner conviction that he is a fool and a liar. + But as this, though British, is uncivil, it is wiser to offer him the + counter-assurance that you are the product of Lamarckian evolution, + formerly called Functional Adaptation and now Creative Evolution, and + challenge him to disprove <i>that</i>, which he can no more do than you + can disprove Circumstantial Selection, both forces being conceivably able + to produce anything if you only give them rope enough. You may also defy + him to act for a single hour on the assumption that he may safely cross + Oxford Street in a state of unconsciousness, trusting to his dodging + reflexes to react automatically and promptly enough to the visual + impression produced by a motor bus, and the audible impression produced by + its hooter. But if you allow yourself to defy him to explain any + particular action of yours by Circumstantial Selection, he should always + be able to find some explanation that will fit the case if only he is + ingenious enough and goes far enough to find it. Darwin found several such + explanations in his controversies. Anybody who really wants to believe + that the universe has been produced by Circumstantial Selection + co-operating with a force as inhuman as we conceive magnetism to be can + find a logical excuse for his belief if he tries hard enough. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THREE BLIND MICE + </h2> + <p> + The stultification and damnation which ensued are illustrated by a + comparison of the ease and certainty with which Butler's mind moved to + humane and inspiring conclusions with the grotesque stupidities and + cruelties of the idle and silly controversy which arose among the + Darwinians as to whether acquired habits can be transmitted from parents + to offspring. Consider, for example, how Weismann set to work on that + subject. An Evolutionist with a live mind would first have dropped the + popular expression 'acquired habits,' because to an Evolutionist there are + no other habits and can be no others, a man being only an amoeba with + acquirements. He would then have considered carefully the process by which + he himself had acquired his habits. He would have assumed that the habits + with which he was born must have been acquired by a similar process. He + would have known what a habit is: that is, an Action voluntarily attempted + until it has become more or less automatic and involuntary; and it would + never have occurred to him that injuries or accidents coming from external + sources against the will of the victim could possibly establish a habit; + that, for instance, a family could acquire a habit of being killed in + railway accidents. + </p> + <p> + And yet Weismann began to investigate the point by behaving like the + butcher's wife in the old catch. He got a colony of mice, and cut off + their tails. Then he waited to see whether their children would be born + without tails. They were not, as Butler could have told him beforehand. He + then cut off the children's tails, and waited to see whether the + grandchildren would be born with at least rather short tails. They were + not, as I could have told him beforehand. So with the patience and + industry on which men of science pride themselves, he cut off the + grandchildren's tails too, and waited, full of hope, for the birth of + curtailed great-grandchildren. But their tails were quite up to the mark, + as any fool could have told him beforehand. Weismann then gravely drew the + inference that acquired habits cannot be transmitted. And yet Weismann was + not a born imbecile. He was an exceptionally clever and studious man, not + without roots of imagination and philosophy in him which Darwinism killed + as weeds. + </p> + <p> + How was it that he did not see that he was not experimenting with habits + or characteristics at all? How had he overlooked the glaring fact that his + experiment had been tried for many generations in China on the feet of + Chinese women without producing the smallest tendency on their part to be + born with abnormally small feet? He must have known about the bound feet + even if he knew nothing of the mutilations, the clipped ears and docked + tails, practised by dog fanciers and horse breeders on many generations of + the unfortunate animals they deal in. Such amazing blindness and stupidity + on the part of a man who was naturally neither blind nor stupid is a + telling illustration of what Darwin unintentionally did to the minds of + his disciples by turning their attention so exclusively towards the part + played in Evolution by accident and violence operating with entire + callousness to suffering and sentiment. + </p> + <p> + A vital conception of Evolution would have taught Weismann that biological + problems are not to be solved by assaults on mice. The scientific form of + his experiment would have been something like this. First, he should have + procured a colony of mice highly susceptible to hypnotic suggestion. He + should then have hypnotized them into an urgent conviction that the fate + of the musque world depended on the disappearance of its tail, just as + some ancient and forgotten experimenter seems to have convinced the cats + of the Isle of Man. Having thus made the mice desire to lose their tails + with a life-or-death intensity, he would very soon have seen a few mice + born with little or no tail. These would be recognized by the other mice + as superior beings, and privileged in the division of food and in sexual + selection. Ultimately the tailed mice would be put to death as monsters by + their fellows, and the miracle of the tailless mouse completely achieved. + </p> + <p> + The objection to this experiment is not that it seems too funny to be + taken seriously, and is not cruel enough to overawe the mob, but simply + that it is impossible because the human experimenter cannot get at the + mouse's mind. And that is what is wrong with all the barren cruelties of + the laboratories. Darwin's followers did not think of this. Their only + idea of investigation was to imitate 'Nature' by perpetrating violent and + senseless cruelties, and watch the effect of them with a paralyzing + fatalism which forbade the smallest effort to use their minds instead of + their knives and eyes, and established an abominable tradition that the + man who hesitates to be as cruel as Circumstantial Selection itself is a + traitor to science. For Weismann's experiment upon the mice was a mere + joke compared to the atrocities committed by other Darwinians in their + attempts to prove that mutilations could not be transmitted. No doubt the + worst of these experiments were not really experiments at all, but + cruelties committed by cruel men who were attracted to the laboratory by + the fact that it was a secret refuge left by law and public superstition + for the amateur of passionate torture. But there is no reason to suspect + Weismann of Sadism. Cutting off the tails of several generations of mice + is not voluptuous enough to tempt a scientific Nero. It was a mere piece + of one-eyedness; and it was Darwin who put out Weismann's humane and + sensible eye. He blinded many another eye and paralyzed many another will + also. Ever since he set up Circumstantial Selection as the creator and + ruler of the universe, the scientific world has been the very citadel of + stupidity and cruelty. Fearful as the tribal god of the Hebrews was, + nobody ever shuddered as they passed even his meanest and narrowest Little + Bethel or his proudest war-consecrating cathedral as we shudder now when + we pass a physiological laboratory. If we dreaded and mistrusted the + priest, we could at least keep him out of the house; but what of the + modern Darwinist surgeon whom we dread and mistrust ten times more, but + into whose hands we must all give ourselves from time to time? Miserably + as religion had been debased, it did at least still proclaim that our + relation to one another was that of a fellowship in which we were all + equal and members one of another before the judgment-seat of our common + father. Darwinism proclaimed that our true relation is that of competitors + and combatants in a struggle for mere survival, and that every act of pity + or loyalty to the old fellowship is a vain and mischievous attempt to + lessen the severity of the struggle and preserve inferior varieties from + the efforts of Nature to weed them out. Even in Socialist Societies which + existed solely to substitute the law of fellowship for the law of + competition, and the method of providence and wisdom for the method of + rushing violently down a steep place into the sea, I found myself regarded + as a blasphemer and an ignorant sentimentalist because whenever the + Neo-Darwinian doctrine was preached there I made no attempt to conceal my + intellectual contempt for its blind coarseness and shallow logic, or my + natural abhorrence of its sickening inhumanity. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE GREATEST OF THESE IS SELF-CONTROL + </h2> + <p> + As there is no place in Darwinism for free will, or any other sort of + will, the Neo-Darwinists held that there is no such thing as self-control. + Yet self-control is just the one quality of survival value which + Circumstantial Selection must invariably and inevitably develop in the + long run. Uncontrolled qualities may be selected for survival and + development for certain periods and under certain circumstances. For + instance, since it is the ungovernable gluttons who strive the hardest to + get food and drink, their efforts would develop their strength and cunning + in a period of such scarcity that the utmost they could do would not + enable them to over-eat themselves. But a change of circumstances + involving a plentiful supply of food would destroy them. We see this very + thing happening often enough in the case of the healthy and vigorous poor + man who becomes a millionaire by one of the accidents of our competitive + commerce, and immediately proceeds to dig his grave with his teeth. But + the self-controlled man survives all such changes of circumstance, because + he adapts himself to them, and eats neither as much as he can hold nor as + little as he can scrape along on, but as much as is good for him. What is + self-control? It is nothing but a highly developed vital sense, dominating + and regulating the mere appetites. To overlook the very existence of this + supreme sense; to miss the obvious inference that it is the quality that + distinguishes the fittest to survive; to omit, in short, the highest moral + claim of Evolutionary Selection: all this, which the Neo-Darwinians did in + the name of Natural Selection, shewed the most pitiable want of mastery of + their own subject, the dullest lack of observation of the forces upon + which Natural Selection works. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A SAMPLE OF LAMARCKO-SHAVIAN INVECTIVE + </h2> + <p> + The Vitalist philosophers made no such mistakes. Nietzsche, for example, + thinking out the great central truth of the Will to Power instead of + cutting off mouse-tails, had no difficulty in concluding that the final + objective of this Will was power over self, and that the seekers after + power over others and material possessions were on a false scent. + </p> + <p> + The stultification naturally became much worse as the first Darwinians + died out. The prestige of these pioneers, who had the older evolutionary + culture to build on, and were in fact no more Darwinian in the modern + sense than Darwin himself, ceased to dazzle us when Huxley and Tyndall and + Spencer and Darwin passed away, and we were left with the smaller people + who began with Darwin and took in nothing else. Accordingly, I find that + in the year 1906 I indulged my temper by hurling invectives at the + Neo-Darwinians in the following terms. + </p> + <p> + 'I really do not wish to be abusive; but when I think of these poor little + dullards, with their precarious hold of just that corner of evolution that + a blackbeetle can understand—with their retinue of + twopenny-halfpenny Torquemadas wallowing in the infamies of the + vivisector's laboratory, and solemnly offering us as epoch-making + discoveries their demonstrations that dogs get weaker and die if you give + them no food; that intense pain makes mice sweat; and that if you cut off + a dog's leg the three-legged dog will have a four-legged puppy, I ask + myself what spell has fallen on intelligent and humane men that they allow + themselves to be imposed on by this rabble of dolts, blackguards, + impostors, quacks, liars, and, worst of all, credulous conscientious + fools. Better a thousand times Moses and Spurgeon [a then famous preacher] + back again. After all, you cannot understand Moses without imagination nor + Spurgeon without metaphysics; but you can be a thorough-going + Neo-Darwinian without imagination, metaphysics, poetry, conscience, or + decency. For "Natural Selection" has no moral significance: it deals with + that part of evolution which has no purpose, no intelligence, and might + more appropriately be called accidental selection, or better still, + Unnatural Selection, since nothing is more unnatural than an accident. If + it could be proved that the whole universe had been produced by such + Selection, only fools and rascals could bear to live.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HUMANITARIANS AND THE PROBLEM OF EVIL + </h2> + <p> + Yet the humanitarians were as delighted as anybody with Darwinism at + first. They had been perplexed by the Problem of Evil and the Cruelty of + Nature. They were Shelleyists, but not atheists. Those who believed in God + were at a terrible disadvantage with the atheist. They could not deny the + existence of natural facts so cruel that to attribute them to the will of + God is to make God a demon. Belief in God was impossible to any thoughtful + person without belief in the Devil as well. The painted Devil, with his + horns, his barbed tail, and his abode of burning brimstone, was an + incredible bogey; but the evil attributed to him was real enough; and the + atheists argued that the author of evil, if he exists, must be strong + enough to overcome God, else God is morally responsible for everything he + permits the Devil to do. Neither conclusion delivered us from the horror + of attributing the cruelty of nature to the workings of an evil will, or + could reconcile it with our impulses towards justice, mercy, and a higher + life. + </p> + <p> + A complete deliverance was offered by the discovery of Circumstantial + Selection: that is to say, of a method by which horrors having every + appearance of being elaborately planned by some intelligent contriver are + only accidents without any moral significance at all. Suppose a watcher + from the stars saw a frightful accident produced by two crowded trains at + full speed crashing into one another! How could he conceive that a + catastrophe brought about by such elaborate machinery, such ingenious + preparation, such skilled direction, such vigilant industry, was quite + unintentional? Would he not conclude that the signal-men were devils? + </p> + <p> + Well, Circumstantial Selection is largely a theory of collisions: that is, + a theory of the innocence of much apparently designed devilry. In this way + Darwin brought intense relief as well as an enlarged knowledge of facts to + the humanitarians. He destroyed the omnipotence of God for them; but he + also exonerated God from a hideous charge of cruelty. Granted that the + comfort was shallow, and that deeper reflection was bound to shew that + worse than all conceivable devil-deities is a blind, deaf, dumb, + heartless, senseless mob of forces that strike as a tree does when it is + blown down by the wind, or as the tree itself is struck by lightning. That + did not occur to the humanitarians at the moment: people do not reflect + deeply when they are in the first happiness of escape from an intolerably + oppressive situation. Like Bunyan's pilgrim they could not see the wicket + gate, nor the Slough of Despond, nor the castle of Giant Despair; but they + saw the shining light at the end of the path, and so started gaily towards + it as Evolutionists. + </p> + <p> + And they were right; for the problem of evil yields very easily to + Creative Evolution. If the driving power behind Evolution is omnipotent + only in the sense that there seems no limit to its final achievement; and + if it must meanwhile struggle with matter and circumstance by the method + of trial and error, then the world must be full of its unsuccessful + experiments. Christ may meet a tiger, or a High Priest arm-in-arm with a + Roman Governor, and be the unfittest to survive under the circumstances. + Mozart may have a genius that prevails against Emperors and Archbishops, + and a lung that succumbs to some obscure and noxious property of foul air. + If all our calamities are either accidents or sincerely repented mistakes, + there is no malice in the Cruelty of Nature and no Problem of Evil in the + Victorian sense at all. The theology of the women who told us that they + became atheists when they sat by the cradles of their children and saw + them strangled by the hand of God is succeeded by the theology of Blanco + Posnet, with his 'It was early days when He made the croup, I guess. It + was the best He could think of then; but when it turned out wrong on His + hands He made you and me to fight the croup for Him.' + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HOW ONE TOUCH OF DARWIN MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD KIN + </h2> + <p> + Another humanitarian interest in Darwinism was that Darwin popularized + Evolution generally, as well as making his own special contribution to it. + Now the general conception of Evolution provides the humanitarian with a + scientific basis, because it establishes the fundamental equality of all + living things. It makes the killing of an animal murder in exactly the + same sense as the killing of a man is murder. It is sometimes necessary to + kill men as it is always necessary to kill tigers; but the old theoretic + distinction between the two acts has been obliterated by Evolution. When I + was a child and was told that our dog and our parrot, with whom I was on + intimate terms, were not creatures like myself, but were brutal whilst I + was reasonable, I not only did not believe it, but quite consciously and + intellectually formed the opinion that the distinction was false; so that + afterwards, when Darwin's views were first unfolded to me, I promptly said + that I had found out all that for myself before I was ten years old; and I + am far from sure that my youthful arrogance was not justified; for this + sense of the kinship of all forms of life is all that is needed to make + Evolution not only a conceivable theory, but an inspiring one. St Anthony + was ripe for the Evolution theory when he preached to the fishes, and St + Francis when he called the birds his little brothers. Our vanity, and our + snobbish conception of Godhead as being, like earthly kingship, a supreme + class distinction instead of the rock on which Equality is built, had led + us to insist on God offering us special terms by placing us apart from and + above all the rest of his creatures. Evolution took that conceit out of + us; and now, though we may kill a flea without the smallest remorse, we at + all events know that we are killing our cousin. No doubt it shocks the + flea when the creature that an almighty Celestial Flea created expressly + for the food of fleas, destroys the jumping lord of creation with his + sharp and enormous thumbnail; but no flea will ever be so foolish as to + preach that in slaying fleas Man is applying a method of Natural Selection + which will finally evolve a flea so swift that no man can catch him, and + so hardy of constitution that Insect Powder will have no more effect on + him than strychnine on an elephant. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHY DARWIN PLEASED THE SOCIALISTS + </h2> + <p> + The Humanitarians were not alone among the agitators in their welcome to + Darwin. He had the luck to please everybody who had an axe to grind. The + Militarists were as enthusiastic as the Humanitarians, the Socialists as + the Capitalists. The Socialists were specially encouraged by Darwin's + insistence on the influence of environment. Perhaps the strongest moral + bulwark of Capitalism is the belief in the efficacy of individual + righteousness. Robert Owen made desperate efforts to convince England that + her criminals, her drunkards, her ignorant and stupid masses, were the + victims of circumstance: that if we would only establish his new moral + world we should find that the masses born into an educated and moralized + community would be themselves educated and moralized. The stock reply to + this is to be found in Lewes's Life of Goethe. Lewes scorned the notion + that circumstances govern character. He pointed to the variety of + character in the governing rich class to prove the contrary. Similarity of + circumstance can hardly be carried to a more desolating dead level than in + the case of the individuals who are born and bred in English country + houses, and sent first to Eton or Harrow, and then to Oxford or Cambridge, + to have their minds and habits formed. Such a routine would destroy + individuality if anything could. Yet individuals come out from it as + different as Pitt from Fox, as Lord Russell from Lord Gurzon, as Mr + Winston Churchill from Lord Robert Cecil. This acceptance of the + congenital character of the individual as the determining factor in his + destiny had been reinforced by the Lamarckian view of Evolution. If the + giraffe can develop his neck by wanting and trying, a man can develop his + character in the same way. The old saying, 'Where there is a will, there + is a way,' condenses Lamarck's theory of functional adaptation into a + proverb. This felt bracingly moral to strong minds, and reassuringly pious + to feeble ones. There was no more effective retort to the Socialist than + to tell him to reform himself before he pretends to reform society. If you + were rich, how pleasant it was to feel that you owed your riches to the + superiority of your own character! The industrial revolution had turned + numbers of greedy dullards into monstrously rich men. Nothing could be + more humiliating and threatening to them than the view that the falling of + a shower of gold into their pockets was as pure an accident as the falling + of a shower of hail on their umbrellas, and happened alike to the just and + unjust. Nothing could be more flattering and fortifying to them than the + assumption that they were rich because they were virtuous. + </p> + <p> + Now Darwinism made a clean sweep of all such self-righteousness. It more + than justified Robert Owen by discovering in the environment of an + organism an influence on it more potent than Owen had ever claimed. It + implied that street arabs are produced by slums and not by original sin: + that prostitutes are produced by starvation wages and not by feminine + concupiscence. It threw the authority of science on the side of the + Socialist who said that he who would reform himself must first reform + society. It suggested that if we want healthy and wealthy citizens we must + have healthy and wealthy towns; and that these can exist only in healthy + and wealthy countries. It could be led to the conclusion that the type of + character which remains indifferent to the welfare of its neighbors as + long as its own personal appetite is satisfied is the disastrous type, and + the type which is deeply concerned about its environment the only possible + type for a permanently prosperous community. It shewed that the surprising + changes which Robert Owen had produced in factory children by a change in + their circumstances which does not seem any too generous to us nowadays + were as nothing to the changes—changes not only of habits but of + species, not only of species but of orders—which might conceivably + be the work of environment acting on individuals without any character or + intellectual consciousness whatever. No wonder the Socialists received + Darwin with open arms. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DARWIN AND KARL MARX + </h2> + <p> + Besides, the Socialists had an evolutionary prophet of their own, who had + discredited Manchester as Darwin discredited the Garden of Eden. Karl Marx + had proclaimed in his Communist Manifesto of 1848 (now enjoying Scriptural + authority in Russia) that civilization is an organism evolving + irresistibly by circumstantial selection; and he published the first + volume of his Das Kapital in 1867. The revolt against anthropomorphic + idolatry, which was, as we have seen, the secret of Darwin's success, had + been accompanied by a revolt against the conventional respectability which + covered not only the brigandage and piracy of the feudal barons, but the + hypocrisy, inhumanity, snobbery, and greed of the bourgeoisie, who were + utterly corrupted by an essentially diabolical identification of success + in life with big profits. The moment Marx shewed that the relation of the + bourgeoisie to society was grossly immoral and disastrous, and that the + whited wall of starched shirt fronts concealed and defended the most + infamous of all tyrannies and the basest of all robberies, he became an + inspired prophet in the mind of every generous soul whom his book reached. + He had said and proved what they wanted to have proved; and they would + hear nothing against him. Now Marx was by no means infallible: his + economics, half borrowed, and half home-made by a literary amateur, were + not, when strictly followed up, even favorable to Socialism. His theory of + civilisation had been promulgated already in Buckle's History of + Civilization, a book as epoch-making in the minds of its readers as Das + Kapital. There was nothing about Socialism in the widely read first volume + of Das Kapital: every reference it made to workers and capitalists shewed + that Marx had never breathed industrial air, and had dug his case out of + bluebooks in the British Museum. Compared to Darwin, he seemed to have no + power of observation: there was not a fact in Das Kapital that had not + been taken out of a book, nor a discussion that had not been opened by + somebody else's pamphlet. No matter: he exposed the bourgeoisie and made + an end of its moral prestige. That was enough: like Darwin he had for the + moment the World Will by the ear. Marx had, too, what Darwin had not: + implacability and a fine Jewish literary gift, with terrible powers of + hatred, invective, irony, and all the bitter qualities bred, first in the + oppression of a rather pampered young genius (Marx was the spoilt child of + a well-to-do family) by a social system utterly uncongenial to him, and + later on by exile and poverty. Thus Marx and Darwin between them toppled + over two closely related idols, and became the prophets of two new creeds. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHY DARWIN PLEASED THE PROFITEERS ALSO + </h2> + <p> + But how, at this rate, did Darwin succeed with the capitalists too? It is + not easy to make the best of both worlds when one of the worlds is + preaching a Class War, and the other vigorously practising it. The + explanation is that Darwinism was so closely related to Capitalism that + Marx regarded it as an economic product rather than as a biological + theory. Darwin got his main postulate, the pressure of population on the + available means of subsistence, from the treatise of Malthus on + Population, just as he got his other postulate of a practically unlimited + time for that pressure to operate from the geologist Lyell, who made an + end of Archbishop Ussher's Biblical estimate of the age of the earth as + 4004 B.C. plus A.D. The treatises of the Ricardian economists on the Law + of Diminishing Return, which was only the Manchester School's version of + the giraffe and the trees, were all very fiercely discussed when Darwin + was a young man. In fact the discovery in the eighteenth century by the + French Physiocrats of the economic effects of Commercial Selection in + soils and sites, and by Malthus of a competition for subsistence which he + attributed to pressure of population on available subsistence, had already + brought political science into that unbreathable atmosphere of fatalism + which is the characteristic blight of Darwinism. Long before Darwin + published a line, the Ricardo-Malthusian economists were preaching the + fatalistic Wages Fund doctrine, and assuring the workers that Trade + Unionism is a vain defiance of the inexorable laws of political economy, + just as the Neo-Darwinians were presently assuring us that Temperance + Legislation is a vain defiance of Natural Selection, and that the true way + to deal with drunkenness is to flood the country with cheap gin and let + the fittest survive. Cobdenism is, after all, nothing but the abandonment + of trade to Circumstantial Selection. + </p> + <p> + It is hardly possible to exaggerate the importance of this preparation for + Darwinism by a vast political and clerical propaganda of its moral + atmosphere. Never in history, as far as we know, had there been such a + determined, richly subsidized, politically organized attempt to persuade + the human race that all progress, all prosperity, all salvation, + individual and social, depend on an unrestrained conflict for food and + money, on the suppression and elimination of the weak by the strong, on + Free Trade, Free Contract, Free Competition, Natural Liberty, + Laisser-faire: in short, on 'doing the other fellow down' with impunity, + all interference by a guiding government, all organization except police + organization to protect legalized fraud against fisticuffs, all attempt to + introduce human purpose and design and forethought into the industrial + welter, being 'contrary to the laws of political economy.' Even the + proletariat sympathized, though to them Capitalist liberty meant only wage + slavery without the legal safeguards of chattel slavery. People were tired + of governments and kings and priests and providences, and wanted to find + out how Nature would arrange matters if she were let alone. And they found + it out to their cost in the days when Lancashire used up nine generations + of wage slaves in one generation of their masters. But their masters, + becoming richer and richer, were very well satisfied, and Bastiat proved + convincingly that Nature had arranged Economic Harmonies which would + settle social questions far better than theocracies or aristocracies or + mobocracies, the real <i>deus ex machina</i> being unrestrained + plutocracy. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE POETRY AND PURITY OF MATERIALISM + </h2> + <p> + Thus the stars in their courses fought for Darwin. Every faction drew a + moral from him; every catholic hater of faction founded a hope on him; + every blackguard felt justified by him; and every saint felt encouraged by + him. The notion that any harm could come of so splendid an enlightenment + seemed as silly as the notion that the atheists would steal all our + spoons. The physicists went further than the Darwinians. Tyndall declared + that he saw in Matter the promise and potency of all forms of life, and + with his Irish graphic lucidity made a picture of a world of magnetic + atoms, each atom with a positive and a negative pole, arranging itself by + attraction and repulsion in orderly crystalline structure. Such a picture + is dangerously fascinating to thinkers oppressed by the bloody disorders + of the living world. Craving for purer subjects of thought, they find in + the contemplation of crystals and magnets a happiness more dramatic and + less childish than the happiness found by the mathematicians in abstract + numbers, because they see in the crystals beauty and movement without the + corrupting appetites of fleshly vitality. In such Materialism as that of + Lucretius and Tyndall there is a nobility which produces poetry: John + Davidson found his highest inspiration in it. Even its pessimism as it + faces the cooling of the sun and the return of the ice-caps does not + degrade the pessimist: for example, the Quincy Adamses, with their + insistence on modern democratic degradation as an inevitable result of + solar shrinkage, are not dehumanized as the vivisectionists are. Perhaps + nobody is at heart fool enough to believe that life is at the mercy of + temperature: Dante was not troubled by the objection that Brunetto could + not have lived in the fire nor Ugolino in the ice. + </p> + <p> + But the physicists found their intellectual vision of the world + incommunicable to those who were not born with it. It came to the public + simply as Materialism; and Materialism lost its peculiar purity and + dignity when it entered into the Darwinian reaction against Bible + fetichism. Between the two of them religion was knocked to pieces; and + where there had been a god, a cause, a faith that the universe was ordered + however inexplicable by us its order might be, and therefore a sense of + moral responsibility as part of that order, there was now an utter void. + Chaos had come again. The first effect was exhilarating: we had the + runaway child's sense of freedom before it gets hungry and lonely and + frightened. In this phase we did not desire our God back again. We printed + the verses in which William Blake, the most religious of our great poets, + called the anthropomorphic idol Old Nobodaddy, and gibed at him in terms + which the printer had to leave us to guess from his blank spaces. We had + heard the parson droning that God is not mocked; and it was great fun to + mock Him to our hearts' content and not be a penny the worse. It did not + occur to us that Old Nobodaddy, instead of being a ridiculous fiction, + might be only an impostor, and that the exposure of this Koepenik Captain + of the heavens, far from proving that there was no real captain, rather + proved the contrary: that, in short, Nobodaddy could not have impersonated + anybody if there had not been Somebodaddy to impersonate. We did not see + the significance of the fact that on the last occasion on which God had + been 'expelled with a pitchfork,' men so different as Voltaire and + Robespierre had said, the one that if God did not exist it would be + necessary to invent him, and the other that after an honest attempt to + dispense with a Supreme Being in practical politics, some such hypothesis + had been found quite indispensable, and could not be replaced by a mere + Goddess of Reason. If these two opinions were quoted at all, they were + quoted as jokes at the expense of Nobodaddy. We were quite sure for the + moment that whatever lingering superstition might have daunted these men + of the eighteenth century, we Darwinians could do without God, and had + made a good riddance of Him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE VICEROYS OF THE KING OF KINGS + </h2> + <p> + Now in politics it is much easier to do without God than to do without his + viceroys and vicars and lieutenants; and we begin to miss the lieutenants + long before we begin to miss their principal. Roman Catholics do what + their confessors advise without troubling God; and Royalists are content + to worship the King and ask the policeman. But God's trustiest lieutenants + often lack official credentials. They may be professed atheists who are + also men of honor and high public spirit. The old belief that it matters + dreadfully to God whether a man thinks himself an atheist or not, and that + the extent to which it matters can be stated with exactness as one single + damn, was an error: for the divinity is in the honor and public spirit, + not in the mouthed <i>credo</i> or <i>non credo</i>. The consequences of + this error became grave when the fitness of a man for public trust was + tested, not by his honor and public spirit, but by asking him whether he + believed in Nobodaddy or not. If he said yes, he was held fit to be a + Prime Minister, though, as our ablest Churchman has said, the real + implication was that he was either a fool, a bigot, or a liar. Darwin + destroyed this test; but when it was only thoughtlessly dropped, there was + no test at all; and the door to public trust was open to the man who had + no sense of God because he had no sense of anything beyond his own + business interests and personal appetites and ambitions. As a result, the + people who did not feel in the least inconvenienced by being no longer + governed by Nobodaddy soon found themselves very acutely inconvenienced by + being governed by fools and commercial adventurers. They had forgotten not + only God but Goldsmith, who had warned them that 'honor sinks where + commerce long prevails.' + </p> + <p> + The lieutenants of God are not always persons: some of them are legal and + parliamentary fictions. One of them is Public Opinion. The pre-Darwinian + statesmen and publicists were not restrained directly by God; but they + restrained themselves by setting up an image of a Public Opinion which + would not tolerate any attempt to tamper with British liberties. Their + favorite way of putting it was that any Government which proposed such and + such an infringement of such and such a British liberty would be hurled + from office in a week. This was not true: there was no such public + opinion, no limit to what the British people would put up with in the + abstract, and no hardship short of immediate and sudden starvation that it + would not and did not put up with in the concrete. But this very + helplessness of the people had forced their rulers to pretend that they + were not helpless, and that the certainty of a sturdy and unconquerable + popular resistance forbade any trifling with Magna Carta or the Petition + of Rights or the authority of parliament. Now the reality behind this + fiction was the divine sense that liberty is a need vital to human growth. + Accordingly, though it was difficult enough to effect a political reform, + yet, once parliament had passed it, its wildest opponent had no hope that + the Government would cancel it, or shelve it, or be bought off from + executing it. From Walpole to Campbell-Bannerman there was no Prime + Minister to whom such renagueing or trafficking would ever have occurred, + though there were plenty who employed corruption unsparingly to procure + the votes of members of parliament for their policy. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POLITICAL OPPORTUNISM IN EXCELSIS + </h2> + <p> + The moment Nobodaddy was slain by Darwin, Public Opinion, as divine + deputy, lost its sanctity. Politicians no longer told themselves that the + British public would never suffer this or that: they allowed themselves to + know that for their own personal purposes, which are limited to their ten + or twenty years on the front benches in parliament, the British public can + be humbugged and coerced into believing and suffering everything that it + pays to impose on them, and that any false excuse for an unpopular step + will serve if it can be kept in countenance for a fortnight: that is, + until the terms of the excuse are forgotten. The people, untaught or + mistaught, are so ignorant and incapable politically that this in itself + would not greatly matter; for a statesman who told them the truth would + not be understood, and would in effect mislead them more completely than + if he dealt with them according to their blindness instead of to his own + wisdom. But though there is no difference in this respect between the best + demagogue and the worst, both of them having to present their cases + equally in terms of melodrama, there is all the difference in the world + between the statesman who is humbugging the people into allowing him to do + the will of God, in whatever disguise it may come to him, and one who is + humbugging them into furthering his personal ambition and the commercial + interests of the plutocrats who own the newspapers and support him on + reciprocal terms. And there is almost as great a difference between the + statesman who does this naively and automatically, or even does it telling + himself that he is ambitious and selfish and unscrupulous, and the one who + does it on principle, believing that if everyone takes the line of least + material resistance the result will be the survival of the fittest in a + perfectly harmonious universe. Once produce an atmosphere of fatalism on + principle, and it matters little what the opinions or superstitions of the + individual statesmen concerned may be. A Kaiser who is a devout reader of + sermons, a Prime Minister who is an emotional singer of hymns, and a + General who is a bigoted Roman Catholic may be the executants of the + policy; but the policy itself will be one of unprincipled opportunism; and + all the Governments will be like the tramp who walks always with the wind + and ends as a pauper, or the stone that rolls down the hill and ends as an + avalanche: their way is the way to destruction. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE BETRAYAL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION + </h2> + <p> + Within sixty years from the publication of Darwin's Origin of Species + political opportunism had brought parliaments into contempt; created a + popular demand for direct action by the organized industries + ('Syndicalism'); and wrecked the centre of Europe in a paroxysm of that + chronic terror of one another, that cowardice of the irreligious, which, + masked in the bravado of militarist patriotism, had ridden the Powers like + a nightmare since the Franco-Prussian war of 1870-71. The sturdy old + cosmopolitan Liberalism vanished almost unnoticed. At the present moment + all the new ordinances for the government of our Grown Colonies contain, + as a matter of course, prohibitions of all criticism, spoken or written, + of their ruling officials, which would have scandalized George III and + elicited Liberal pamphlets from Catherine II. Statesmen are afraid of the + suburbs, of the newspapers, of the profiteers, of the diplomatists, of the + militarists, of the country houses, of the trade unions, of everything + ephemeral on earth except the revolutions they are provoking; and they + would be afraid of these if they were not too ignorant of society and + history to appreciate the risk, and to know that a revolution always seems + hopeless and impossible the day before it breaks out, and indeed never + does break out until it seems hopeless and impossible; for rulers who + think it possible take care to insure the risk by ruling reasonably. This + brings about a condition fatal to all political stability: namely, that + you never know where to have the politicians. If the fear of God was in + them it might be possible to come to some general understanding as to what + God disapproves of; and Europe might pull together on that basis. But the + present panic, in which Prime Ministers drift from election to election, + either fighting or running away from everybody who shakes a fist at them, + makes a European civilization impossible. Such peace and prosperity as we + enjoyed before the war depended on the loyalty of the Western States to + their own civilization. That loyalty could find practical expression only + in an alliance of the highly civilized Western Powers against the + primitive tyrannies of the East. Britain, Germany, France, and the United + States of America could have imposed peace on the world, and nursed modern + civilization in Russia, Turkey, and the Balkans. Every meaner + consideration should have given way to this need for the solidarity of the + higher civilization. What actually happened was that France and England, + through their clerks the diplomatists, made an alliance with Russia to + defend themselves against Germany; Germany made an alliance with Turkey to + defend herself against the three; and the two unnatural and suicidal + combinations fell on one another in a war that came nearer to being a war + of extermination than any wars since those of Timur the Tartar; whilst the + United States held aloof as long as they could, and the other States + either did the same or joined in the fray through compulsion, bribery, or + their judgment as to which side their bread was buttered. And at the + present moment, though the main fighting has ceased through the surrender + of Germany on terms which the victors have never dreamt of observing, the + extermination by blockade and famine, which was what forced Germany to + surrender, still continues, although it is certain that if the vanquished + starve the victors will starve too, and Europe will liquidate its affairs + by going, not into bankruptcy, but into chaos. + </p> + <p> + Now all this, it will be noticed, was fundamentally nothing but an idiotic + attempt on the part of each belligerent State to secure for itself the + advantage of the survival of the fittest through Circumstantial Selection. + If the Western Powers had selected their allies in the Lamarckian manner + intelligently, purposely, and vitally, <i>ad majorem Dei gloriam</i>, as + what Nietzsche called good Europeans, there would have been a League of + Nations and no war. But because the selection relied on was purely + circumstantial opportunist selection, so that the alliances were mere + marriages of convenience, they have turned out, not merely as badly as + might have been expected, but far worse than the blackest pessimist had + ever imagined possible. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CIRCUMSTANTIAL SELECTION IN FINANCE + </h2> + <p> + How it will all end we do not yet know. When wolves combine to kill a + horse, the death of the horse only sets them fighting one another for the + choicest morsels. Men are no better than wolves if they have no better + principles: accordingly, we find that the Armistice and the Treaty have + not extricated us from the war. A handful of Serbian regicides flung us + into it as a sporting navvy throws a bull pup at a cat; but the Supreme + Council, with all its victorious legions and all its prestige, cannot get + us out of it, though we are heartily sick and tired of the whole business, + and know now very well that it should never have been allowed to happen. + But we are helpless before a slate scrawled with figures of National + Debts. As there is no money to pay them because it was all spent on the + war (wars have to be paid for on the nail) the sensible thing to do is to + wipe the slate and let the wrangling States distribute what they can + spare, on the sound communist principle of from each according to his + ability, to each according to his need. But no: we have no principles + left, not even commercial ones; for what sane commercialist would decree + that France must not pay for her failure to defend her own soil; that + Germany must pay for her success in carrying the war into the enemy's + country; and that as Germany has not the money to pay, and under our + commercial system can make it only by becoming once more a commercial + competitor of England and France, which neither of them will allow, she + must borrow the money from England, or America, or even from France: an + arrangement by which the victorious creditors will pay one another, and + wait to get their money back until Germany is either strong enough to + refuse to pay or ruined beyond the possibility of paying? Meanwhile + Russia, reduced to a scrap of fish and a pint of cabbage soup a day, has + fallen into the hands of rulers who perceive that Materialist Communism is + at all events more effective than Materialist Nihilism, and are attempting + to move in an intelligent and ordered manner, practising a very strenuous + Intentional Selection of workers as fitter to survive than idlers; whilst + the Western Powers are drifting and colliding and running on the rocks, in + the hope that if they continue to do their worst they will get Naturally + Selected for survival without the trouble of thinking about it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HOMEOPATHIC REACTION AGAINST DARWINISM + </h2> + <p> + When, like the Russians, our Nihilists have it urgently borne in on them, + by the brute force of rising wages that never overtake rising prices, that + they are being Naturally Selected for destruction, they will perhaps + remember that 'Dont Care came to a bad end,' and begin to look round for a + religion. And the whole purpose of this book is to shew them where to + look. For, throughout all the godless welter of the infidel half-century, + Darwinism has been acting not only directly but homeopathically, its + poison rallying our vital forces not only to resist it and cast it out, + but to achieve a new Reformation and put a credible and healthy religion + in its place. Samuel Butler was the pioneer of the reaction as far as the + casting out was concerned; but the issue was confused by the + physiologists, who were divided on the question into Mechanists and + Vitalists. The Mechanists said that life is nothing but physical and + chemical action; that they have demonstrated this in many cases of + so-called vital phenomena; and that there is no reason to doubt that with + improved methods they will presently be able to demonstrate it in all of + them. The Vitalists said that a dead body and a live one are physically + and chemically identical, and that the difference can be accounted for + only by the existence of a Vital Force. This seems simple; but the + Anti-Mechanists objected to be called Vitalists (obviously the right name + for them) on two contradictory grounds. First, that vitality is + scientifically inadmissible, because it cannot be isolated and + experimented with in the laboratory. Second, that force, being by + definition anything that can alter the speed or direction of matter in + motion (briefly, that can overcome inertia), is essentially a mechanistic + conception. Here we had the New Vitalist only half extricated from the Old + Mechanist, objecting to be called either, and unable to give a clear lead + in the new direction. And there was a deeper antagonism. The Old + Vitalists, in postulating a Vital Force, were setting up a comparatively + mechanical conception as against the divine idea of the life breathed into + the clay nostrils of Adam, whereby he became a living soul. The New + Vitalists, filled by their laboratory researches with a sense of the + miraculousness of life that went far beyond the comparatively uninformed + imaginations of the authors of the Book of Genesis, regarded the Old + Vitalists as Mechanists who had tried to fill up the gulf between life and + death with an empty phrase denoting an imaginary physical force. + </p> + <p> + These professional faction fights are ephemeral, and need not trouble us + here. The Old Vitalist, who was essentially a Materialist, has evolved + into the New Vitalist, who is, as every genuine scientist must be, finally + a metaphysician. And as the New Vitalist turns from the disputes of his + youth to the future of his science, he will cease to boggle at the name + Vitalist, or at the inevitable, ancient, popular, and quite correct use of + the term Force to denote metaphysical as well as physical overcomers of + inertia. + </p> + <p> + Since the discovery of Evolution as the method of the Life Force the + religion of metaphysical Vitalism has been gaining the definiteness and + concreteness needed to make it assimilable by the educated critical man. + But it has always been with us. The popular religions, disgraced by their + Opportunist cardinals and bishops, have been kept in credit by canonized + saints whose secret was their conception of themselves as the instruments + and vehicles of divine power and aspiration: a conception which at moments + becomes an actual experience of ecstatic possession by that power. And + above and below all have been millions of humble and obscure persons, + sometimes totally illiterate, sometimes unconscious of having any religion + at all, sometimes believing in their simplicity that the gods and temples + and priests of their district stood for their instinctive righteousness, + who have kept sweet the tradition that good people follow a light that + shines within and above and ahead of them, that bad people care only for + themselves, and that the good are saved and blessed and the bad damned and + miserable. Protestantism was a movement towards the pursuit of a light + called an inner light because every man must see it with his own eyes and + not take any priest's word for it or any Church's account of it. In short, + there is no question of a new religion, but rather of redistilling the + eternal spirit of religion and thus extricating it from the sludgy residue + of temporalities and legends that are making belief impossible, though + they are the stock-in-trade of all the Churches and all the Schools. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + RELIGION AND ROMANCE + </h2> + <p> + It is the adulteration of religion by the romance of miracles and + paradises and torture chambers that makes it reel at the impact of every + advance in science, instead of being clarified by it. If you take an + English village lad, and teach him that religion means believing that the + stories of Noah's Ark and the Garden of Eden are literally true on the + authority of God himself, and if that boy becomes an artisan and goes into + the town among the sceptical city proletariat, then, when the jibes of his + mates set him thinking, and he sees that these stories cannot be literally + true, and learns that no candid prelate now pretends to believe them, he + does not make any fine distinctions: he declares at once that religion is + a fraud, and parsons and teachers hypocrites and liars. He becomes + indifferent to religion if he has little conscience, and indignantly + hostile to it if he has a good deal. + </p> + <p> + The same revolt against wantonly false teaching is happening daily in the + professional classes whose recreation is reading and whose intellectual + sport is controversy. They banish the Bible from their houses, and + sometimes put into the hands of their unfortunate children Ethical and + Rationalist tracts of the deadliest dullness, compelling these wretched + infants to sit out the discourses of Secularist lecturers (I have + delivered some of them myself), who bore them at a length now forbidden by + custom in the established pulpit. Our minds have reacted so violently + towards provable logical theorems and demonstrable mechanical or chemical + facts that we have become incapable of metaphysical truth, and try to cast + out incredible and silly lies by credible and clever ones, calling in + Satan to cast out Satan, and getting more into his clutches than ever in + the process. Thus the world is kept sane less by the saints than by the + vast mass of the indifferent, who neither act nor react in the matter. + Butler's preaching of the gospel of Laodicea was a piece of common sense + founded on his observation of this. + </p> + <p> + But indifference will not guide nations through civilization to the + establishment of the perfect city of God. An indifferent statesman is a + contradiction in terms; and a statesman who is indifferent on principle, a + Laisser-faire or Muddle-Through doctrinaire, plays the deuce with us in + the long run. Our statesmen must get a religion by hook or crook; and as + we are committed to Adult Suffrage it must be a religion capable of + vulgarization. The thought first put into words by the Mills when they + said 'There is no God; but this is a family secret,' and long held + unspoken by aristocratic statesmen and diplomatists, will not serve now; + for the revival of civilization after the war cannot be effected by + artificial breathing: the driving force of an undeluded popular consent is + indispensable, and will be impossible until the statesman can appeal to + the vital instincts of the people in terms of a common religion. The + success of the Hang the Kaiser cry at the last General Election shews us + very terrifyingly how a common irreligion can be used by myopic demagogy; + and common irreligion will destroy civilization unless it is countered by + common religion. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DANGER OF REACTION + </h2> + <p> + And here arises the danger that when we realize this we shall do just what + we did half a century ago, and what Pliable did in The Pilgrim's Progress + when Christian landed him in the Slough of Despond: that is, run back in + terror to our old superstitions. We jumped out of the frying-pan into the + fire; and we are just as likely to jump back again, now that we feel + hotter than ever. History records very little in the way of mental + activity on the part of the mass of mankind except a series of stampedes + from affirmative errors into negative ones and back again. It must + therefore be said very precisely and clearly that the bankruptcy of + Darwinism does not mean that Nobodaddy was Somebodaddy <i>with</i> 'body, + parts, and passions' after all; that the world was made in the year 4004 + B.C.; that damnation means a eternity of blazing brimstone; that the + Immaculate Conception means that sex is sinful and that Christ was + parthenogenetically brought forth by a virgin descended in like manner + from a line of virgins right back to Eve; that the Trinity is an + anthropomorphic monster with three heads which are yet only one head; that + in Rome the bread and wine on the altar become flesh and blood, and in + England, in a still more mystical manner, they do and they do not; that + the Bible is an infallible scientific manual, an accurate historical + chronicle, and a complete guide to conduct; that we may lie and cheat and + murder and then wash ourselves innocent in the blood of the lamb on Sunday + at the cost of a <i>credo</i> and a penny in the plate, and so on and so + forth. Civilization cannot be saved by people not only crude enough to + believe these things, but irreligious enough to believe that such belief + constitutes a religion. The education of children cannot safely be left in + their hands. If dwindling sects like the Church of England, the Church of + Rome, the Greek Church, and the rest, persist in trying to cramp the human + mind within the limits of these grotesque perversions of natural truths + and poetic metaphors, then they must be ruthlessly banished from the + schools until they either perish in general contempt or discover the soul + that is hidden in every dogma. The real Class War will be a war of + intellectual classes; and its conquest will be the souls of the children. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A TOUCHSTONE FOR DOGMA + </h2> + <p> + The test of a dogma is its universality. As long as the Church of England + preaches a single doctrine that the Brahman, the Buddhist, the Mussulman, + the Parsee, and all the other sectarians who are British subjects cannot + accept, it has no legitimate place in the counsels of the British + Commonwealth, and will remain what it is at present, a corrupter of youth, + a danger to the State, and an obstruction to the Fellowship of the Holy + Ghost. This has never been more strongly felt than at present, after a war + in which the Church failed grossly in the courage of its profession, and + sold its lilies for the laurels of the soldiers of the Victoria Cross. All + the cocks in Christendom have been crowing shame on it ever since; and it + will not be spared for the sake of the two or three faithful who were + found even among the bishops. Let the Church take it on authority, even my + authority (as a professional legend maker) if it cannot see the truth by + its own light: no dogma can be a legend. A legend can pass an ethnical + frontier as a legend, but not as a truth; whilst the only frontier to the + currency of a sound dogma as such is the frontier of capacity for + understanding it. + </p> + <p> + This does not mean that we should throw away legend and parable and drama: + they are the natural vehicles of dogma; but woe to the Churches and rulers + who substitute the legend for the dogma, the parable for the history, the + drama for the religion! Better by far declare the throne of God empty than + set a liar and a fool on it. What are called wars of religion are always + wars to destroy religion by affirming the historical truth or material + substantiality of some legend, and killing those who refuse to accept it + as historical or substantial. But who has ever refused to accept a good + legend with delight as a legend? The legends, the parables, the dramas, + are among the choicest treasures of mankind. No one is ever tired of + stories of miracles. In vain did Mahomet repudiate the miracles ascribed + to him: in vain did Christ furiously scold those who asked him to give + them an exhibition as a conjurer: in vain did the saints declare that God + chose them not for their powers but for their weaknesses; that the humble + might be exalted, and the proud rebuked. People will have their miracles, + their stories, their heroes and heroines and saints and martyrs and + divinities to exercise their gifts of affection, admiration, wonder, and + worship, and their Judases and devils to enable them to be angry and yet + feel that they do well to be angry. Every one of these legends is the + common heritage of the human race; and there is only one inexorable + condition attached to their healthy enjoyment, which is that no one shall + believe them literally. The reading of stories and delighting in them made + Don Quixote a gentleman: the believing them literally made him a madman + who slew lambs instead of feeding them. In England today good books of + Eastern religious legends are read eagerly; and Protestants and Atheists + read Roman Catholic legends of the Saints with pleasure. But such fare is + shirked by Indians and Roman Catholics. Freethinkers read the Bible: + indeed they seem to be its only readers now except the reluctant parsons + at the church lecterns, who communicate their discomfort to the + congregation by gargling the words in their throats in an unnatural manner + that is as repulsive as it is unintelligible. And this is because the + imposition of the legends as literal truths at once changes them from + parables into falsehoods. The feeling against the Bible has become so + strong at last that educated people not only refuse to outrage their + intellectual consciences by reading the legend of Noah's Ark, with its + funny beginning about the animals and its exquisite end about the birds: + they will not read even the chronicles of King David, which may very well + be true, and are certainly more candid than the official biographies of + our contemporary monarchs. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + WHAT TO DO WITH THE LEGENDS + </h2> + <p> + What we should do, then, is to pool our legends and make a delightful + stock of religious folk-lore on an honest basis for all mankind. With our + minds freed from pretence and falsehood we could enter into the heritage + of all the faiths. China would share her sages with Spain, and Spain her + saints with China. The Ulster man who now gives his son an unmerciful + thrashing if the boy is so tactless as to ask how the evening and the + morning could be the first day before the sun was created, or to betray an + innocent calf-love for the Virgin Mary, would buy him a bookful of legends + of the creation and of mothers of God from all parts of the world, and be + very glad to find his laddie as interested in such things as in marbles or + Police and Robbers. That would be better than beating all good feeling + towards religion out of the child, and blackening his mind by teaching him + that the worshippers of the holy virgins, whether of the Parthenon or St + Peter's, are fire-doomed heathens and idolaters. All the sweetness of + religion is conveyed to the world by the hands of storytellers and + image-makers. Without their fictions the truths of religion would for the + multitude be neither intelligible nor even apprehensible; and the prophets + would prophesy and the teachers teach in vain. And nothing stands between + the people and the fictions except the silly falsehood that the fictions + are literal truths, and that there is nothing in religion but fiction. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A LESSON FROM SCIENCE TO THE CHURCHES + </h2> + <p> + Let the Churches ask themselves why there is no revolt against the dogmas + of mathematics though there is one against the dogmas of religion. It is + not that the mathematical dogmas are more comprehensible. The law of + inverse squares is as incomprehensible to the common man as the Athanasian + creed. It is not that science is free from legends, witchcraft, miracles, + biographic boostings of quacks as heroes and saints, and of barren + scoundrels as explorers and discoverers. On the contrary, the iconography + and hagiology of Scientism are as copious as they are mostly squalid. But + no student of science has yet been taught that specific gravity consists + in the belief that Archimedes jumped out of his bath and ran naked through + the streets of Syracuse shouting Eureka, Eureka, or that the law of + inverse squares must be discarded if anyone can prove that Newton was + never in an orchard in his life. When some unusually conscientious or + enterprising bacteriologist reads the pamphlets of Jenner, and discovers + that they might have been written by an ignorant but curious and observant + nurserymaid, and could not possibly have been written by any person with a + scientifically trained mind, he does not feel that the whole edifice of + science has collapsed and crumbled, and that there is no such thing as + smallpox. It may come to that yet; for hygiene, as it forces its way into + our schools, is being taught as falsely as religion is taught there; but + in mathematics and physics the faith is still kept pure, and you may take + the law and leave the legends without suspicion of heresy. Accordingly, + the tower of the mathematician stands unshaken whilst the temple of the + priest rocks to its foundation. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE RELIGIOUS ART OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY + </h2> + <p> + Creative Evolution is already a religion, and is indeed now unmistakeably + the religion of the twentieth century, newly arisen from the ashes of + pseudo-Christianity, of mere scepticism, and of the soulless affirmations + and blind negations of the Mechanists and Neo-Darwinians. But it cannot + become a popular religion until it has its legends, its parables, its + miracles. And when I say popular I do not mean apprehensible by villagers + only. I mean apprehensible by Cabinet Ministers as well. It is + unreasonable to look to the professional politician and administrator for + light and leading in religion. He is neither a philosopher nor a prophet: + if he were, he would be philosophizing and prophesying, and not neglecting + both for the drudgery of practical government. Socrates and Coleridge did + not remain soldiers, nor could John Stuart Mill remain the representative + of Westminster in the House of Commons even when he was willing. The + Westminster electors admired Mill for telling them that much of the + difficulty of dealing with them arose from their being inveterate liars. + But they would not vote a second time for the man who was not afraid to + break the crust of mendacity on which they were all dancing; for it seemed + to them that there was a volcanic abyss beneath, not having his + philosophic conviction that the truth is the solidest standing ground in + the end. Your front bench man will always be an exploiter of the popular + religion or irreligion. Not being an expert, he must take it as he finds + it; and before he can take it, he must have been told stories about it in + his childhood and had before him all his life an elaborate iconography of + it produced by writers, painters, sculptors, temple architects, and + artists of all the higher sorts. Even if, as sometimes happens, he is a + bit of an amateur in metaphysics as well as a professional politician, he + must still govern according to the popular iconography, and not according + to his own personal interpretations if these happen to be heterodox. + </p> + <p> + It will be seen then that the revival of religion on a scientific basis + does not mean the death of art, but a glorious rebirth of it. Indeed art + has never been great when it was not providing an iconography for a live + religion. And it has never been quite contemptible except when imitating + the iconography after the religion had become a superstition. Italian + painting from Giotto to Carpaccio is all religious painting; and it moves + us deeply and has real greatness. Compare with it the attempts of our + painters a century ago to achieve the effects of the old masters by + imitation when they should have been illustrating a faith of their own. + Contemplate, if you can bear it, the dull daubs of Hilton and Haydon, who + knew so much more about drawing and scumbling and glazing and perspective + and anatomy and 'marvellous foreshortening' than Giotto, the latchet of + whose shoe they were nevertheless not worthy to unloose. Compare Mozart's + Magic Flute, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, Wagner's Ring, all of them + reachings-forward to the new Vitalist art, with the dreary pseudo-sacred + oratorios and cantatas which were produced for no better reason than that + Handel had formerly made splendid thunder in that way, and with the stale + confectionery, mostly too would-be pious to be even cheerfully toothsome, + of Spohr and Mendelssohn, Stainer and Parry, which spread indigestion at + our musical festivals until I publicly told Parry the bludgeoning truth + about his Job and woke him to conviction of sin. Compare Flaxman and + Thorwaldsen and Gibson with Phidias and Praxiteles, Stevens with Michael + Angelo, Bouguereau's Virgin with Cimabue's, or the best operatic Christs + of Scheffer and Müller with the worst Christs that the worst painters + could paint before the end of the fifteenth century, and you must feel + that until we have a great religious movement we cannot hope for a great + artistic one. The disillusioned Raphael could paint a mother and child, + but not a queen of Heaven as much less skilful men had done in the days of + his great-grandfather; yet he could reach forward to the twentieth century + and paint a Transfiguration of the Son of Man as they could not. Also, + please note, he could decorate a house of pleasure for a cardinal very + beautifully with voluptuous pictures of Cupid and Psyche; for this simple + sort of Vitalism is always with us, and, like portrait painting, keeps the + artist supplied with subject-matter in the intervals between the ages of + faith; so that your sceptical Rembrandts and Velasquezs are at least not + compelled to paint shop fronts for want of anything else to paint in which + they can really believe. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE ARTIST-PROPHETS + </h2> + <p> + And there are always certain rare but intensely interesting anticipations. + Michael Angelo could not very well believe in Julius II or Leo X, or in + much that they believed in; but he could paint the Superman three hundred + years before Nietzsche wrote Also Sprach Zarathustra and Strauss set it to + music. Michael Angelo won the primacy among all modern painters and + sculptors solely by his power of shewing us superhuman persons. On the + strength of his decoration and color alone he would hardly have survived + his own death twenty years; and even his design would have had only an + academic interest; but as a painter of prophets and sibyls he is greatest + among the very greatest in his craft, because we aspire to a world of + prophets and sibyls. Beethoven never heard of radioactivity nor of + electrons dancing in vortices of inconceivable energy; but pray can anyone + explain the last movement of his Hammerklavier Sonata, Opus 106, otherwise + than as a musical picture of these whirling electrons? His contemporaries + said he was mad, partly perhaps because the movement was so hard to play; + but we, who can make a pianola play it to us over and over until it is as + familiar as Pop Goes the Weasel, know that it is sane and methodical. As + such, it must represent something; and as all Beethoven's serious + compositions represent some process within himself, some nerve storm or + soul storm, and the storm here is clearly one of physical movement, I + should much like to know what other storm than the atomic storm could have + driven him to this oddest of all those many expressions of cyclonic energy + which have given him the same distinction among musicians that Michael + Angelo has among draughtsmen. + </p> + <p> + In Beethoven's day the business of art was held to be 'the sublime and + beautiful.' In our day it has fallen to be the imitative and voluptuous. + In both periods the word passionate has been freely employed; but in the + eighteenth century passion meant irresistible impulse of the loftiest + kind: for example, a passion for astronomy or for truth. For us it has + come to mean concupiscence and nothing else. One might say to the art of + Europe what Antony said to the corpse of Caesar: 'Are all thy conquests, + glories, triumphs, spoils, shrunk to this little measure?' But in fact it + is the mind of Europe that has shrunk, being, as we have seen, wholly + preoccupied with a busy spring-cleaning to get rid of its superstitions + before readjusting itself to the new conception of Evolution. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + EVOLUTION IN THE THEATRE + </h2> + <p> + On the stage (and here I come at last to my own particular function in the + matter), Comedy, as a destructive, derisory, critical, negative art, kept + the theatre open when sublime tragedy perished. From Molière to Oscar + Wilde we had a line of comedic playwrights who, if they had nothing + fundamentally positive to say, were at least in revolt against falsehood + and imposture, and were not only, as they claimed, 'chastening morals by + ridicule,' but, in Johnson's phrase, clearing our minds of cant, and + thereby shewing an uneasiness in the presence of error which is the surest + symptom of intellectual vitality. Meanwhile the name of Tragedy was + assumed by plays in which everyone was killed in the last act, just as, in + spite of Molière, plays in which everyone was married in the last act + called themselves comedies. Now neither tragedies nor comedies can be + produced according to a prescription which gives only the last moments of + the last act. Shakespear did not make Hamlet out of its final butchery, + nor Twelfth Night out of its final matrimony. And he could not become the + conscious iconographer of a religion because he had no conscious religion. + He had therefore to exercise his extraordinary natural gifts in the very + entertaining art of mimicry, giving us the famous 'delineation of + character' which makes his plays, like the novels of Scott, Dumas, and + Dickens, so delightful. Also, he developed that curious and questionable + art of building us a refuge from despair by disguising the cruelties of + Nature as jokes. But with all his gifts, the fact remains that he never + found the inspiration to write an original play. He furbished up old + plays, and adapted popular stories, and chapters of history from + Holinshed's Chronicle and Plutarch's biographies, to the stage. All this + he did (or did not; for there are minus quantities in the algebra of art) + with a recklessness which shewed that his trade lay far from his + conscience. It is true that he never takes his characters from the + borrowed story, because it was less trouble and more fun to him to create + them afresh; but none the less he heaps the murders and villainies of the + borrowed story on his own essentially gentle creations without scruple, no + matter how incongruous they may be. And all the time his vital need for a + philosophy drives him to seek one by the quaint professional method of + introducing philosophers as characters into his plays, and even of making + his heroes philosophers; but when they come on the stage they have no + philosophy to expound: they are only pessimists and railers; and their + occasional would-be philosophic speeches, such as The Seven Ages of Man + and The Soliloquy on Suicide, shew how deeply in the dark Shakespear was + as to what philosophy means. He forced himself in among the greatest of + playwrights without having once entered that region in which Michael + Angelo, Beethoven, Goethe, and the antique Athenian stage poets are great. + He would really not be great at all if it were not that he had religion + enough to be aware that his religionless condition was one of despair. His + towering King Lear would be only a melodrama were it not for its express + admission that if there is nothing more to be said of the universe than + Hamlet has to say, then 'as flies to wanton boys are we to the gods: they + kill us for their sport.' + </p> + <p> + Ever since Shakespear, playwrights have been struggling with the same lack + of religion; and many of them were forced to become mere panders and + sensation-mongers because, though they had higher ambitions, they could + find no better subject-matter. From Congreve to Sheridan they were so + sterile in spite of their wit that they did not achieve between them the + output of Molière's single lifetime; and they were all (not without + reason) ashamed of their profession, and preferred to be regarded as mere + men of fashion with a rakish hobby. Goldsmith's was the only saved soul in + that pandemonium. + </p> + <p> + The leaders among my own contemporaries (now veterans) snatched at minor + social problems rather than write entirely without any wider purpose than + to win money and fame. One of them expressed to me his envy of the ancient + Greek playwrights because the Athenians asked them, not for some 'new and + original' disguise of the half-dozen threadbare plots of the modern + theatre, but for the deepest lesson they could draw from the familiar and + sacred legends of their country. 'Let us all,' he said, 'write an Electra, + an Antigone, an Agamemnon, and shew what we can do with it.' But he did + not write any of them, because these legends are no longer religious: + Aphrodite and Artemis and Poseidon are deader than their statues. Another, + with a commanding position and every trick of British farce and Parisian + drama at his fingers' ends, finally could not write without a sermon to + preach, and yet could not find texts more fundamental than the hypocrisies + of sham Puritanism, or the matrimonial speculation which makes our young + actresses as careful of their reputations as of their complexions. A + third, too tenderhearted to break our spirits with the realities of a + bitter experience, coaxed a wistful pathos and a dainty fun out of the + fairy cloudland that lay between him and the empty heavens. The giants of + the theatre of our time, Ibsen and Strindberg, had no greater comfort for + the world than we: indeed much less; for they refused us even the + Shakespearian-Dickensian consolation of laughter at mischief, accurately + called comic relief. Our emancipated young successors scorn us, very + properly. But they will be able to do no better whilst the drama remains + pre-Evolutionist. Let them consider the great exception of Goethe. He, no + richer than Shakespear, Ibsen, or Strindberg in specific talent as a + playwright, is in the empyrean whilst they are gnashing their teeth in + impotent fury in the mud, or at best finding an acid enjoyment in the + irony of their predicament. Goethe is Olympian: the other giants are + infernal in everything but their veracity and their repudiation of the + irreligion of their time: that is, they are bitter and hopeless. It is not + a question of mere dates. Goethe was an Evolutionist in 1830: many + playwrights, even young ones, are still untouched by Creative Evolution in + 1920. Ibsen was Darwinized to the extent of exploiting heredity on the + stage much as the ancient Athenian playwrights exploited the Eumenides; + but there is no trace in his plays of any faith in or knowledge of + Creative Evolution as a modern scientific fact. True, the poetic + aspiration is plain enough in his Emperor or Galilean; but it is one of + Ibsen's distinctions that nothing was valid for him but science; and he + left that vision of the future which his Roman seer calls 'the third + Empire' behind him as a Utopian dream when he settled down to his serious + grapple with realities in those plays of modern life with which he + overcame Europe, and broke the dusty windows of every dry-rotten theatre + in it from Moscow to Manchester. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MY OWN PART IN THE MATTER + </h2> + <p> + In my own activities as a playwright I found this state of things + intolerable. The fashionable theatre prescribed one serious subject: + clandestine adultery: the dullest of all subjects for a serious author, + whatever it may be for audiences who read the police intelligence and skip + the reviews and leading articles. I tried slum-landlordism, doctrinaire + Free Love (pseudo-Ibsenism), prostitution, militarism, marriage, history, + current politics, natural Christianity, national and individual character, + paradoxes of conventional society, husband hunting, questions of + conscience, professional delusions and impostures, all worked into a + series of comedies of manners in the classic fashion, which was then very + much out of fashion, the mechanical tricks of Parisian 'construction' + being <i>de rigueur</i> in the theatre. But this, though it occupied me + and established me professionally, did not constitute me an iconographer + of the religion of my time, and thus fulfil my natural function as an + artist. I was quite conscious of this; for I had always known that + civilization needs a religion as a matter of life or death; and as the + conception of Creative Evolution developed I saw that we were at last + within reach of a faith which complied with the first condition of all the + religions that have ever taken hold of humanity: namely, that it must be, + first and fundamentally, a science of metabiology. This was a crucial + point with me; for I had seen Bible fetichism, after standing up to all + the rationalistic batteries of Hume, Voltaire, and the rest, collapse + before the onslaught of much less gifted Evolutionists, solely because + they discredited it as a biological document; so that from that moment it + lost its hold, and left literate Christendom faithless. My own Irish + eighteenth-centuryism made it impossible for me to believe anything until + I could conceive it as a scientific hypothesis, even though the + abominations, quackeries, impostures, venalities, credulities, and + delusions of the camp followers of science, and the brazen lies and + priestly pretensions of the pseudo-scientific cure-mongers, all sedulously + inculcated by modern 'secondary education,' were so monstrous that I was + sometimes forced to make a verbal distinction between science and + knowledge lest I should mislead my readers. But I never forgot that + without knowledge even wisdom is more dangerous than mere opportunist + ignorance, and that somebody must take the Garden of Eden in hand and weed + it properly. + </p> + <p> + Accordingly, in 1901, I took the legend of Don Juan in its Mozartian form + and made it a dramatic parable of Creative Evolution. But being then at + the height of my invention and comedic talent, I decorated it too + brilliantly and lavishly. I surrounded it with a comedy of which it formed + only one act, and that act was so completely episodical (it was a dream + which did not affect the action of the piece) that the comedy could be + detached and played by itself: indeed it could hardly be played at full + length owing to the enormous length of the entire work, though that feat + has been performed a few times in Scotland by Mr Esme Percy, who led one + of the forlorn hopes of the advanced drama at that time. Also I supplied + the published work with an imposing framework consisting of a preface, an + appendix called The Revolutionist's Handbook, and a final display of + aphoristic fireworks. The effect was so vertiginous, apparently, that + nobody noticed the new religion in the centre of the intellectual + whirlpool. Now I protest I did not cut these cerebral capers in mere + inconsiderate exuberance. I did it because the worst convention of the + criticism of the theatre current at that time was that intellectual + seriousness is out of place on the stage; that the theatre is a place of + shallow amusement; that people go there to be soothed after the enormous + intellectual strain of a day in the city: in short, that a playwright is a + person whose business it is to make unwholesome confectionery out of cheap + emotions. My answer to this was to put all my intellectual goods in the + shop window under the sign of Man and Superman. That part of my design + succeeded. By good luck and acting, the comedy triumphed on the stage; and + the book was a good deal discussed. Since then the sweet-shop view of the + theatre has been out of countenance; and its critical exponents have been + driven to take an intellectual pose which, though often more trying than + their old intellectually nihilistic vulgarity, at least concedes the + dignity of the theatre, not to mention the usefulness of those who live by + criticizing it. And the younger playwrights are not only taking their art + seriously, but being taken seriously themselves. The critic who ought to + be a newsboy is now comparatively rare. + </p> + <p> + I now find myself inspired to make a second legend of Creative Evolution + without distractions and embellishments. My sands are running out; the + exuberance of 1901 has aged into the garrulity of 1930; and the war has + been a stern intimation that the matter is not one to be trifled with. I + abandon the legend of Don Juan with its erotic associations, and go back + to the legend of the Garden of Eden. I exploit the eternal interest of the + philosopher's stone which enables men to live for ever. I am not, I hope, + under more illusion than is humanly inevitable as to the crudity of this + my beginning of a Bible for Creative Evolution. I am doing the best I can + at my age. My powers are waning; but so much the better for those who + found me unbearably brilliant when I was in my prime. It is my hope that a + hundred apter and more elegant parables by younger hands will soon leave + mine as far behind as the religious pictures of the fifteenth century left + behind the first attempts of the early Christians at iconography. In that + hope I withdraw and ring up the curtain. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BACK TO METHUSELAH. + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART" id="link2H_PART"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART I—In the Beginning + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT I + </h2> + <p> + <i>The Garden of Eden. Afternoon. An immense serpent is sleeping with her + head buried in a thick bed of Johnswort, and her body coiled in apparently + endless rings through the branches of a tree, which is already well grown; + for the days of creation have been longer than our reckoning. She is not + yet visible to anyone unaware of her presence, as her colors of green and + brown make a perfect camouflage. Near her head a low rock shows above the + Johnswort. </i> + </p> + <p> + The rock and tree are on the border of a glade in which lies a dead fawn + all awry, its neck being broken. Adam, crouching with one hand on the + rock, is staring in consternation at the dead body. He has not noticed the + serpent on his left hand. He turns his face to his right and calls + excitedly. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Eve! Eve! + </p> + <p> + EVE'S VOICE. What is it, Adam? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Come here. Quick. Something has happened. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>running in</i>] What? Where? [<i>Adam points to the fawn</i>]. Oh! + [<i>She goes to it; and he is emboldened to go with her</i>]. What is the + matter with its eyes? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. It is not only its eyes. Look. [<i>He kicks it.</i>] + </p> + <p> + EVE. Oh don't! Why doesn't it wake? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. I don't know. It is not asleep. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Not asleep? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Try. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>trying to shake it and roll it over</i>] It is stiff and cold. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Nothing will wake it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. It has a queer smell. Pah! [<i>She dusts her hands, and draws away + from it</i>]. Did you find it like that? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. No. It was playing about; and it tripped and went head over heels. + It never stirred again. Its neck is wrong [<i>he stoops to lift the neck + and shew her</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Dont touch it. Come away from it. + </p> + <p> + <i>They both retreat, and contemplate it from a few steps' distance with + growing repulsion.</i> + </p> + <p> + EVE. Adam. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Yes? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Suppose you were to trip and fall, would you go like that? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Ugh! [<i>He shudders and sits down on the rock</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>throwing herself on the ground beside him, and grasping his knee</i>] + You must be careful. Promise me you will be careful. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What is the good of being careful? We have to live here for ever. + Think of what for ever means! Sooner or later I shall trip and fall. It + may be tomorrow; it may be after as many days as there are leaves in the + garden and grains of sand by the river. No matter: some day I shall forget + and stumble. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I too. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>horrified</i>] Oh no, no. I should be alone. Alone for ever. You + must never put yourself in danger of stumbling. You must not move about. + You must sit still. I will take care of you and bring you what you want. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>turning away from him with a shrug, and hugging her ankles</i>] I + should soon get tired of that. Besides, if it happened to you, <i>I</i> + should be alone. I could not sit still then. And at last it would happen + to me too. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. And then? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Then we should be no more. There would be only the things on all + fours, and the birds, and the snakes. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. That must not be. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Yes: that must not be. But it might be. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. No. I tell you it must not be. I know that it must not be. + </p> + <p> + EVE. We both know it. How do we know it? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. There is a voice in the garden that tells me things. + </p> + <p> + EVE. The garden is full of voices sometimes. They put all sorts of + thoughts into my head. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. To me there is only one voice. It is very low; but it is so near + that it is like a whisper from within myself. There is no mistaking it for + any voice of the birds or beasts, or for your voice. + </p> + <p> + EVE. It is strange that I should hear voices from all sides and you only + one from within. But I have some thoughts that come from within me and not + from the voices. The thought that we must not cease to be comes from + within. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>despairingly</i>] But we shall cease to be. We shall fall like + the fawn and be broken. [<i>Rising and moving about in his agitation</i>]. + I cannot bear this knowledge. I will not have it. It must not be, I tell + you. Yet I do not know how to prevent it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. That is just what I feel; but it is very strange that you should say + so: there is no pleasing you. You change your mind so often. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>scolding her</i>] Why do you say that? How have I changed my + mind? + </p> + <p> + EVE. You say we must not cease to exist. But you used to complain of + having to exist always and for ever. You sometimes sit for hours brooding + and silent, hating me in your heart. When I ask you what I have done to + you, you say you are not thinking of me, but of the horror of having to be + here for ever. But I know very well that what you mean is the horror of + having to be here with me for ever. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Oh! That is what you think, is it? Well, you are wrong. [<i>He sits + down again, sulkily</i>]. It is the horror of having to be with myself for + ever. I like you; but I do not like myself. I want to be different; to be + better, to begin again and again; to shed myself as a snake sheds its + skin. I am tired of myself. And yet I must endure myself, not for a day or + for many days, but for ever. That is a dreadful thought. That is what + makes me sit brooding and silent and hateful. Do you never think of that? + </p> + <p> + EVE. No: I do not think about myself: what is the use? I am what I am: + nothing can alter that. I think about you. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. You should not. You are always spying on me. I can never be alone. + You always want to know what I have been doing. It is a burden. You should + try to have an existence of your own, instead of occupying yourself with + my existence. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I <i>have</i> to think about you. You are lazy: you are dirty: you + neglect yourself: you are always dreaming: you would eat bad food and + become disgusting if I did not watch you and occupy myself with you. And + now some day, in spite of all my care, you will fall on your head and + become dead. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Dead? What word is that? + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>pointing to the fawn</i>] Like that. I call it dead. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>rising and approaching it slowly</i>] There is something uncanny + about it. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>joining him</i>] Oh! It is changing into little white worms. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Throw it into the river. It is unbearable. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I dare not touch it. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Then I must, though I loathe it. It is poisoning the air. [<i>He + gathers its hooves in his hand and carries it away in the direction from + which Eve came, holding it as far from him as possible</i>]. + </p> + <p> + Eve looks after them for a moment; then, with a shiver of disgust, sits + down on the rock, brooding. The body of the serpent becomes visible, + glowing with wonderful new colors. She rears her head slowly from the bed + of Johnswort, and speaks into Eve's ear in a strange seductively musical + whisper. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Eve. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>startled</i>] Who is that? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. It is I. I have come to shew you my beautiful new hood. See [<i>she + spreads a magnificent amethystine hood</i>]! + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>admiring it</i>] Oh! But who taught you to speak? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. You and Adam. I have crept through the grass, and hidden, and + listened to you. + </p> + <p> + EVE. That was wonderfully clever of you. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I am the most subtle of all the creatures of the field. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Your hood is most lovely. [<i>She strokes it and pets the serpent</i>]. + Pretty thing! Do you love your godmother Eve? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I adore her. [<i>She licks Eve's neck with her double tongue</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>petting her</i>] Eve's wonderful darling snake. Eve will never be + lonely now that her snake can talk to her. + </p> + <p> + THE SNAKE. I can talk of many things. I am very wise. It was I who + whispered the word to you that you did not know. Dead. Death. Die. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>shuddering</i>] Why do you remind me of it? I forgot it when I saw + your beautiful hood. You must not remind me of unhappy things. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Death is not an unhappy thing when you have learnt how to + conquer it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. How can I conquer it? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. By another thing, called birth. + </p> + <p> + EVE. What? [<i>Trying to pronounce it</i>] B-birth? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Yes, birth. + </p> + <p> + EVE. What is birth? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. The serpent never dies. Some day you shall see me come out of + this beautiful skin, a new snake with a new and lovelier skin. That is + birth. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I have seen that. It is wonderful. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. If I can do that, what can I not do? I tell you I am very + subtle. When you and Adam talk, I hear you say 'Why?' Always 'Why?' You + see things; and you say 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I + say 'Why not?' I made the word dead to describe my old skin that I cast + when I am renewed. I call that renewal being born. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Born is a beautiful word. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Why not be born again and again as I am, new and beautiful + every time? + </p> + <p> + EVE. I! It does not happen: that is why. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. That is how; but it is not why. Why not? + </p> + <p> + EVE. But I should not like it. It would be nice to be new again; but my + old skin would lie on the ground looking just like me; and Adam would see + it shrivel up and— + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. No. He need not. There is a second birth. + </p> + <p> + EVE. A second birth? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Listen. I will tell you a great secret. I am very subtle; and + I have thought and thought and thought. And I am very wilful, and must + have what I want; and I have willed and willed and willed. And I have + eaten strange things: stones and apples that you are afraid to eat. + </p> + <p> + EVE. You dared! + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I dared everything. And at last I found a way of gathering + together a part of the life in my body— + </p> + <p> + EVE. What is the life? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. That which makes the difference between the dead fawn and the + live one. + </p> + <p> + EVE. What a beautiful word! And what a wonderful thing! Life is the + loveliest of all the new words. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Yes: it was by meditating on Life that I gained the power to + do miracles. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Miracles? Another new word. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. A miracle is an impossible thing that is nevertheless + possible. Something that never could happen, and yet does happen. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Tell me some miracle that you have done. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I gathered a part of the life in my body, and shut it into a + tiny white case made of the stones I had eaten. + </p> + <p> + EVE. And what good was that? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I shewed the little case to the sun, and left it in its + warmth. And it burst; and a little snake came out; and it became bigger + and bigger from day to day until it was as big as I. That was the second + birth. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Oh! That is too wonderful. It stirs inside me. It hurts. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. It nearly tore me asunder. Yet I am alive, and can burst my + skin and renew myself as before. Soon there will be as many snakes in Eden + as there are scales on my body. Then death will not matter: this snake and + that snake will die; but the snakes will live. + </p> + <p> + EVE. But the rest of us will die sooner or later, like the fawn. And then + there will be nothing but snakes, snakes, snakes everywhere. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. That must not be. I worship you, Eve. I must have something + to worship. Something quite different to myself, like you. There must be + something greater than the snake. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Yes: it must not be. Adam must not perish. You are very subtle: tell + me what to do. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Think. Will. Eat the dust. Lick the white stone: bite the + apple you dread. The sun will give life. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I do not trust the sun. I will give life myself. I will tear. another + Adam from my body if I tear my body to pieces in the act. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Do. Dare it. Everything is possible: everything. Listen. I am + old. I am the old serpent, older than Adam, older than Eve. I remember + Lilith, who came before Adam and Eve. I was her darling as I am yours. She + was alone: there was no man with her. She saw death as you saw it when the + fawn fell; and she knew then that she must find out how to renew herself + and cast the skin like me. She had a mighty will: she strove and strove + and willed and willed for more moons than there are leaves on all the + trees of the garden. Her pangs were terrible: her groans drove sleep from + Eden. She said it must never be again: that the burden of renewing life + was past bearing: that it was too much for one. And when she cast the + skin, lo! there was not one new Lilith but two: one like herself, the + other like Adam. You were the one: Adam was the other. + </p> + <p> + EVE. But why did she divide into two, and make us different? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I tell you the labor is too much for one. Two must share it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Do you mean that Adam must share it with me? He will not. He cannot + bear pain, nor take trouble with his body. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. He need not. There will be no pain for him. He will implore + you to let him do his share. He will be in your power through his desire. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Then I will do it. But how? How did Lilith work this miracle? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. She imagined it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. What is imagined? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. She told it to me as a marvellous story of something that + never happened to a Lilith that never was. She did not know then that + imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire; you + will what you imagine; and at last you create what you will. + </p> + <p> + EVE. How can I create out of nothing? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Everything must have been created out of nothing. Look at + that thick roll of hard flesh on your strong arm! That was not always + there: you could not climb a tree when I first saw you. But you willed and + tried and willed and tried; and your will created out of nothing the roll + on your arm until you had your desire, and could draw yourself up with one + hand and seat yourself on the bough that was above your head. + </p> + <p> + EVE. That was practice. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Things wear out by practice: they do not grow by it. Your + hair streams in the wind as if it were trying to stretch itself further + and further. But it does not grow longer for all its practice in + streaming, because you have not willed it so. When Lilith told me what she + had imagined in our silent language (for there were no words then) I bade + her desire it and will it; and then, to our great wonder, the thing she + had desired and willed created itself in her under the urging of her will. + Then I too willed to renew myself as two instead of one; and after many + days the miracle happened, and I burst from my skin another snake + interlaced with me; and now there are two imaginations, two desires, two + wills to create with. + </p> + <p> + EVE. To desire, to imagine, to will, to create. That is too long a story. + Find me one word for it all: you, who are so clever at words. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. In one word, to conceive. That is the word that means both + the beginning in imagination and the end in creation. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Find me a word for the story Lilith imagined and told you in your + silent language: the story that was too wonderful to be true, and yet came + true. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. A poem. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Find me another word for what Lilith was to me. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. She was your mother. + </p> + <p> + EVE. And Adam's mother? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Yes. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>about to rise</i>] I will go and tell Adam to conceive. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>laughs</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>jarred and startled</i>] What a hateful noise! What is the matter + with you? No one has ever uttered such a sound before. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Adam cannot conceive. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Why? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Lilith did not imagine him so. He can imagine: he can will: + he can desire: he can gather his life together for a great spring towards + creation: he can create all things except one; and that one is his own + kind. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Why did Lilith keep this from him? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Because if he could do that he could do without Eve. + </p> + <p> + EVE. That is true. It is I who must conceive. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Yes. By that he is tied to you. + </p> + <p> + EVE. And I to him! + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Yes, until you create another Adam. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I had not thought of that. You are very subtle. But if I create + another Eve he may turn to her and do without me. I will not create any + Eves, only Adams. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. They cannot renew themselves without Eves. Sooner or later + you will die like the fawn; and the new Adams will be unable to create + without new Eves. You can imagine such an end; but you cannot desire it, + therefore cannot will it, therefore cannot create Adams only. + </p> + <p> + EVE. If I am to die like the fawn, why should not the rest die too? What + do I care? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Life must not cease. That comes before everything. It is + silly to say you do not care. You do care. It is that care that will + prompt your imagination; inflame your desires; make your will + irresistible; and create out of nothing. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>thoughtfully</i>] There can be no such thing as nothing. The + garden is full, not empty. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I had not thought of that. That is a great thought. Yes: + there is no such thing as nothing, only things we cannot see. The + chameleon eats the air. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I have another thought: I must tell it to Adam. [<i>Calling</i>] + Adam! Adam! Coo-ee! + </p> + <p> + ADAM'S VOICE. Coo-ee! + </p> + <p> + EVE. This will please him, and cure his fits of melancholy. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Do not tell him yet. I have not told you the great secret. + </p> + <p> + EVE. What more is there to tell? It is I who have to do the miracle. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. No: he, too, must desire and will. But he must give his + desire and his will to you. + </p> + <p> + EVE. How? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. That is the great secret. Hush! he is coming. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>returning</i>] Is there another voice in the garden besides our + voices and the Voice? I heard a new voice. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>rising and running to him</i>] Only think, Adam! Our snake has + learnt to speak by listening to us. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>delighted</i>] Is it so? [<i>He goes past her to the stone, and + fondles the serpent</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>responding affectionately</i>] It is so, dear Adam. + </p> + <p> + EVE. But I have more wonderful news than that. Adam: we need not live for + ever. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>dropping the snake's head in his excitement</i>] What! Eve: do + not play with me about this. If only there may be an end some day, and yet + no end! If only I can be relieved of the horror of having to endure myself + for ever! If only the care of this terrible garden may pass on to some + other gardener! If only the sentinel set by the Voice can be relieved! If + only the rest and sleep that enable me to bear it from day to day could + grow after many days into an eternal rest, an eternal sleep, then I could + face my days, however long they may last. Only, there must be some end, + some end: I am not strong enough to bear eternity. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. You need not live to see another summer; and yet there shall + be no end. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. That cannot be. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. It can be. + </p> + <p> + EVE. It shall be. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. It is. Kill me; and you will find another snake in the garden + tomorrow. You will find more snakes than there are fingers on your hands. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I will make other Adams, other Eves. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. I tell you you must not make up stories about this. It cannot + happen. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I can remember when you were yourself a thing that could not + happen. Yet you are. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>struck</i>] That must be true. [<i>He sits down on the stone</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I will tell Eve the secret; and she will tell it to you. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. The secret! [<i>He turns quickly towards the serpent, and in doing + so puts his foot on something sharp</i>]. Oh! + </p> + <p> + EVE. What is it? + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>rubbing his foot</i>] A thistle. And there, next to it, a briar. + And nettles, too! I am tired of pulling these things up to keep the garden + pleasant for us for ever. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. They do not grow very fast. They will not overrun the whole + garden for a long time: not until you have laid down your burden and gone + to sleep for ever. Why should you trouble yourself? Let the new Adams + clear a place for themselves. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. That is very true. You must tell us your secret. You see, Eve, what + a splendid thing it is not to have to live for ever. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>throwing herself down discontentedly and plucking at the grass</i>] + That is so like a man. The moment you find we need not last for ever, you + talk as if we were going to end today. You must clear away some of those + horrid things, or we shall be scratched and stung whenever we forget to + look where we are stepping. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Oh yes, some of them, of course. But only some. I will clear them + away tomorrow. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>laughs</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + ADAM. That is a funny noise to make. I like it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I do not. Why do you make it again? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Adam has invented something new. He has invented tomorrow. + You will invent things every day now that the burden of immortality is + lifted from you. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Immortality? What is that? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. My new word for having to live for ever. + </p> + <p> + EVE. The serpent has made a beautiful word for being. Living. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Make me a beautiful word for doing things tomorrow; for that surely + is a great and blessed invention. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Procrastination. + </p> + <p> + EVE. That is a sweet word. I wish I had a serpent's tongue. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. That may come too. Everything is possible. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>springing up in sudden terror</i>] Oh! + </p> + <p> + EVE. What is the matter now? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. My rest! My escape from life! + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Death. That is the word. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. There is a terrible danger in this procrastination. + </p> + <p> + EVE. What danger? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. If I put off death until tomorrow, I shall never die. There is no + such day as tomorrow, and never can be. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I am very subtle; but Man is deeper in his thought than I am. + The woman knows that there is no such thing as nothing: the man knows that + there is no such day as tomorrow. I do well to worship them. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. If I am to overtake death, I must appoint a real day, not a + tomorrow. When shall I die? + </p> + <p> + EVE. You may die when I have made another Adam. Not before. But then, as + soon as you like. [<i>She rises, and passing behind him, strolls off + carelessly to the tree and leans against it, stroking a ring of the snake</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. There need be no hurry even then. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I see you will put it off until tomorrow. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. And you? Will you die the moment you have made a new Eve? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Why should I? Are you eager to be rid of me? Only just now you wanted + me to sit still and never move lest I should stumble and die like the + fawn. Now you no longer care. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. It does not matter so much now. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>angrily to the snake</i>] This death that you have brought into + the garden is an evil thing. He wants me to die. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>to Adam</i>] Do you want her to die? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. No. It is I who am to die. Eve must not die before me. I should be + lonely. + </p> + <p> + EVE. You could get one of the new Eves. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. That is true. But they might not be quite the same. They could not: + I feel sure of that. They would not have the same memories. They would be—I + want a word for them. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Strangers. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Yes: that is a good hard word. Strangers. + </p> + <p> + EVE. When there are new Adams and new Eves we shall live in a garden of + strangers. We shall need each other. [<i>She comes quickly behind him and + turns up his face to her</i>]. Do not forget that, Adam. Never forget it. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Why should I forget it? It is I who have thought of it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. I, too, have thought of something. The fawn stumbled and fell and + died. But you could come softly up behind me and [<i>she suddenly pounces + on his shoulders and throws him forward on his face</i>] throw me down so + that I should die. I should not dare to sleep if there were no reason why + you should not make me die. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>scrambling up in horror</i>] Make you die!!! What a frightful + thought! + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Kill, kill, kill, kill. That is the word. + </p> + <p> + EVE. The new Adams and Eves might kill us. I shall not make them. [<i>She + sits on the rock and pulls him down beside her, clasping him to her with + her right arm</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. You must. For if you do not there will be an end. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. No: they will not kill us: they will feel as I do. There is + something against it. The Voice in the garden will tell them that they + must not kill, as it tells me. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. The voice in the garden is your own voice. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. It is; and it is not. It is something greater than me: I am only a + part of it. + </p> + <p> + EVE. The Voice does not tell me not to kill you. Yet I do not want you to + die before me. No voice is needed to make me feel that. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>throwing his arm round her shoulder with an expression of anguish</i>] + Oh no: that is plain without any voice. There is something that holds us + together, something that has no word— + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Love. Love. Love. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. That is too short a word for so long a thing. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>laughs</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>turning impatiently to the snake</i>] That heart-biting sound + again! Do not do it. Why do you do it? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Love may be too long a word for so short a thing soon. But + when it is short it will be very sweet. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>ruminating</i>] You puzzle me. My old trouble was heavy; but it + was simple. These wonders that you promise to do may tangle up my being + before they bring me the gift of death. I was troubled with the burden of + eternal being; but I was not confused in my mind. If I did not know that I + loved Eve, at least I did not know that she might cease to love me, and + come to love some other Adam and desire my death. Can you find a name for + that knowledge? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Jealousy. Jealousy. Jealousy. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. A hideous word. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>shaking him</i>] Adam: you must not brood. You think too much. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>angrily</i>] How can I help brooding when the future has become + uncertain? Anything is better than uncertainty. Life has become uncertain. + Love is uncertain. Have you a word for this new misery? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Fear. Fear. Fear. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Have you a remedy for it? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Yes. Hope. Hope. Hope. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What is hope? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. As long as you do not know the future you do not know that it + will not be happier than the past. That is hope. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. It does not console me. Fear is stronger in me than hope. I must + have certainty. [<i>He rises threateningly</i>]. Give it to me; or I will + kill you when next I catch you asleep. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>throwing her arms round the serpent</i>] My beautiful snake. Oh + no. How can you even think such a horror? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Fear will drive me to anything. The serpent gave me fear. Let it now + give me certainty or go in fear of me. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Bind the future by your will. Make a vow. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What is a vow? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Choose a day for your death; and resolve to die on that day. + Then death is no longer uncertain but certain. Let Eve vow to love you + until your death. Then love will be no longer uncertain. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Yes: that is splendid: that will bind the future. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>displeased, turning away from the serpent</i>] But it will destroy + hope. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>angrily</i>] Be silent, woman. Hope is wicked. Happiness is + wicked. Certainty is blessed. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. What is wicked? You have invented a word. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Whatever I fear to do is wicked. Listen to me, Eve; and you, snake, + listen too, that your memory may hold my vow. I will live a thousand sets + of the four seasons— + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. Years. Years. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. I will live a thousand years; and then I will endure no more: I will + die and take my rest. And I will love Eve all that time and no other + woman. + </p> + <p> + EVE. And if Adam keeps his vow I will love no other man until he dies. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. You have both invented marriage. And what he will be to you + and not to any other woman is husband; and what you will be to him and not + to any other man is wife. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>instinctively moving his hand towards her</i>] Husband and wife. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>slipping her hand into his</i>] Wife and husband. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>laughs</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>snatching herself loose from Adam</i>] Do not make that odious + noise, I tell you. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Do not listen to her: the noise is good: it lightens my heart. You + are a jolly snake. But you have not made a vow yet. What vow do you make? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I make no vows. I take my chance. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Chance? What does that mean? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. It means that I fear certainty as you fear uncertainty. It + means that nothing is certain but uncertainty. If I bind the future I bind + my will. If I bind my will I strangle creation. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Creation must not be strangled. I tell you I will create, though I + tear myself to pieces in the act. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Be silent, both of you. I <i>will</i> bind the future. I will be + delivered from fear. [<i>To Eve</i>] We have made our vows; and if you + must create, you shall create within the bounds of those vows. You shall + not listen to that snake any more. Come [<i>he seizes her by the hair to + drag her away</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Let me go, you fool. It has not yet told me the secret. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>releasing her</i>] That is true. What is a fool? + </p> + <p> + EVE. I do not know: the word came to me. It is what you are when you + forget and brood and are filled with fear. Let us listen to the snake. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. No: I am afraid of it. I feel as if the ground were giving way under + my feet when it speaks. Do you stay and listen to it. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT [<i>laughs</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>brightening</i>] That noise takes away fear. Funny. The snake and + the woman are going to whisper secrets. [<i>He chuckles and goes away + slowly, laughing his first laugh</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Now the secret. The secret. [<i>She sits on the rock and throws her + arms round the serpent, who begins whispering to her</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Eve's face lights up with intense interest, which increases until an + expression of overwhelming repugnance takes its place. She buries her face + in her hands</i>. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT II + </h2> + <p> + <i>A few centuries later. Morning. An oasis in Mesopotamia. Close at hand + the end of a log house abuts on a kitchen garden. Adam is digging in the + middle of the garden. On his right, Eve sits on a stool in the shadow of a + tree by the doorway, spinning flax. Her wheel, which she turns by hand, is + a large disc of heavy wood, practically a flywheel. At the opposite side + of the garden is a thorn brake with a passage through it barred by a + hurdle. </i> + </p> + <p> + The two are scantily and carelessly dressed in rough linen and leaves. + They have lost their youth and grace; and Adam has an unkempt beard and + jaggedly cut hair; but they are strong and in the prime of life. Adam + looks worried, like a farmer. Eve, better humored (having given up + worrying), sits and spins and thinks. + </p> + <p> + A MAN'S VOICE. Hallo, mother! + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>looking across the garden towards the hurdle</i>] Here is Cain. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>uttering a grunt of disgust</i>]!!! [<i>He goes on digging + without raising his head</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Cain kicks the hurdle out of his way, and strides into the garden. In + pose, voice, and dress he is insistently warlike. He is equipped with huge + spear and broad brass-bound leather shield; his casque is a tiger's head + with bull's horns; he wears a scarlet cloak with gold brooch over a lion's + skin with the claws dangling; his feet are in sandals with brass + ornaments; his shins are in brass greaves; and his bristling military + moustache glistens with oil. To his parents he has the self-assertive, + not-quite-at-ease manner of a revolted son who knows that he is not + forgiven nor approved of.</i> + </p> + <p> + CAIN [<i>to Adam</i>] Still digging? Always dig, dig, dig. Sticking in the + old furrow. No progress! no advanced ideas! no adventures! What should I + be if I had stuck to the digging you taught me? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What are you now, with your shield and spear, and your brother's + blood crying from the ground against you? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I am the first murderer: you are only the first man. Anybody could + be the first man: it is as easy as to be the first cabbage. To be the + first murderer one must be a man of spirit. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Begone. Leave us in peace. The world is wide enough to keep us + apart. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Why do you want to drive him away? He is mine. I made him out of my + own body. I want to see my work sometimes. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. You made Abel also. He killed Abel. Can you bear to look at him + after that? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Whose fault was it that I killed Abel? Who invented killing? Did I? + No: he invented it himself. I followed your teaching. I dug and dug and + dug. I cleared away the thistles and briars. I ate the fruits of the + earth. I lived in the sweat of my brow, as you do. I was a fool. But Abel + was a discoverer, a man of ideas, of spirit: a true Progressive. He was + the discoverer of blood. He was the inventor of killing. He found out that + the fire of the sun could be brought down by a dewdrop. He invented the + altar to keep the fire alive. He changed the beasts he killed into meat by + the fire on the altar. He kept himself alive by eating meat. His meal cost + him a day's glorious health-giving sport and an hour's amusing play with + the fire. You learnt nothing from him: you drudged and drudged and + drudged, and dug and dug and dug, and made me do the same. I envied his + happiness, his freedom. I despised myself for not doing as he did instead + of what you did. He became so happy that he shared his meal with the Voice + that had whispered all his inventions to him. He said that the Voice was + the voice of the fire that cooked his food, and that the fire that could + cook could also eat. It was true: I saw the fire consume the food on his + altar. Then I, too, made an altar, and offered my food on it, my grains, + my roots, my fruit. Useless: nothing happened. He laughed at me; and then + came my great idea: why not kill him as he killed the beasts? I struck; + and he died, just as they did. Then I gave up your old silly drudging + ways, and lived as he had lived, by the chase, by the killing, and by the + fire. Am I not better than you? stronger, happier, freer? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. You are not stronger: you are shorter in the wind: you cannot + endure. You have made the beasts afraid of us; and the snake has invented + poison to protect herself against you. I fear you myself. If you take a + step towards your mother with that spear of yours I will strike you with + my spade as you struck Abel. + </p> + <p> + EVE. He will not strike me. He loves me. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. He loved his brother. But he killed him. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I do not want to kill women. I do not want to kill my mother. And + for her sake I will not kill you, though I could send this spear through + you without coming within reach of your spade. But for her, I could not + resist the sport of trying to kill you, in spite of my fear that you would + kill me. I have striven with a boar and with a lion as to which of us + should kill the other. I have striven with a man: spear to spear and + shield to shield. It is terrible; but there is no joy like it. I call it + fighting. He who has never fought has never lived. That is what has + brought me to my mother today. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What have you to do with one another now? She is the creator, you + the destroyer. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. How can I destroy unless she creates? I want her to create more and + more men: aye, and more and more women, that they may in turn create more + men. I have imagined a glorious poem of many men, of more men than there + are leaves on a thousand trees. I will divide them into two great hosts. + One of them I will lead; and the other will be led by the man I fear most + and desire to fight and kill most. And each host shall try to kill the + other host. Think of that! all those multitudes of men fighting, fighting, + killing, killing! The four rivers running with blood! The shouts of + triumph! the howls of rage! the curses of despair! the shrieks of torment! + That will be life indeed: life lived to the very marrow: burning, + overwhelming life. Every man who has not seen it, heard it, felt it, + risked it, will feel a humbled fool in the presence of the man who has. + </p> + <p> + EVE. And I! I am to be a mere convenience to make men for you to kill! + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Or to kill you, you fool. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Mother: the making of men is your right, your risk, your agony, your + glory, your triumph. You make my father here your mere convenience, as you + call it, for that. He has to dig for you, sweat for you, plod for you, + like the ox who helps him to tear up the ground or the ass who carries his + burdens for him. No woman shall make me live my father's life. I will + hunt: I will fight and strive to the very bursting of my sinews. When I + have slain the boar at the risk of my life, I will throw it to my woman to + cook, and give her a morsel of it for her pains. She shall have no other + food; and that will make her my slave. And the man that slays me shall + have her for his booty. Man shall be the master of Woman, not her baby and + her drudge. + </p> + <p> + <i>Adam throws down his spade, and stands looking darkly at Eve.</i> + </p> + <p> + EVE. Are you tempted, Adam? Does this seem a better thing to you than love + between us? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. What does he know of love? Only when he has fought, when he has + faced terror and death, when he has striven to the spending of the last + rally of his strength, can he know what it is to rest in love in the arms + of a woman. Ask that woman whom you made, who is also my wife, whether she + would have me as I was in the days when I followed the ways of Adam, and + was a digger and a drudge? + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>angrily throwing down her distaff</i>] What! You dare come here + boasting about that good-for-nothing Lua, the worst of daughters and the + worst of wives! You her master! You are more her slave than Adam's ox or + your own sheepdog. Forsooth, when you have slain the boar at the risk of + your life, you will throw her a morsel of it for her pains! Ha! Poor + wretch: do you think I do not know her, and know you, better than that? Do + you risk your life when you trap the ermine and the sable and the blue fox + to hang on her lazy shoulders and make her look more like an animal than a + woman? When you have to snare the little tender birds because it is too + much trouble for her to chew honest food, how much of a great warrior do + you feel then? You slay the tiger at the risk of your life; but who gets + the striped skin you have run that risk for? She takes it to lie on, and + flings you the carrion flesh you cannot eat. You fight because you think + that your fighting makes her admire and desire you. Fool: she makes you + fight because you bring her the ornaments and the treasures of those you + have slain, and because she is courted and propitiated with power and gold + by the people who fear you. You say that I make a mere convenience of + Adam: I who spin and keep the house, and bear and rear children, and am a + woman and not a pet animal to please men and prey on them! What are you, + you poor slave of a painted face and a bundle of skunk's fur? You were a + man-child when I bore you. Lua was a woman-child when I bore her. What + have you made of yourselves? + </p> + <p> + CAIN [<i>letting his spear fall into the crook of his shield arm, and + twirling his moustache</i>] There is something higher than man. There is + hero and superman. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Superman! You are no superman: you are Anti-Man: you are to other men + what the stoat is to the rabbit; and she is to you what the leech is to + the stoat. You despise your father; but when he dies the world will be the + richer because he lived. When you die, men will say, 'He was a great + warrior; but it would have been better for the world if he had never been + born.' And of Lua they will say nothing; but when they think of her they + will spit. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. She is a better sort of woman to live with than you. If Lua nagged + at me as you are nagging, and as you nag at Adam, I would beat her black + and blue from head to foot. I have done it too, slave as you say I am. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Yes, because she looked at another man. And then you grovelled at her + feet, and cried, and begged her to forgive you, and were ten times more + her slave than ever; and she, when she had finished screaming and the pain + went off a little, she forgave you, did she not? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. She loved me more than ever. That is the true nature of woman. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>now pitying him maternally</i>] Love! You call that love! You call + that the nature of woman! My boy: this is neither man nor woman nor love + nor life. You have no real strength in your bones nor sap in your flesh. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Ha! [<i>he seizes his spear and swings it muscularly</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Yes: you have to twirl a stick to feel your strength: you cannot + taste life without making it bitter and boiling hot: you cannot love Lua + until her face is painted, nor feel the natural warmth of her flesh until + you have stuck a squirrel's fur on it. You can feel nothing but a torment, + and believe nothing but a lie. You will not raise your head to look at all + the miracles of life that surround you; but you will run ten miles to see + a fight or a death. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Enough said. Let the boy alone. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Boy! Ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>to Adam</i>] You think, perhaps, that his way of life may be + better than yours after all. You are still tempted. Well, will you pamper + me as he pampers his woman? Will you kill tigers and bears until I have a + heap of their skins to lounge on? Shall I paint my face and let my arms + waste into pretty softness, and eat partridges and doves, and the flesh of + kids whose milk you will steal for me? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. You are hard enough to bear with as you are. Stay as you are; and I + will stay as I am. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. You neither of you know anything about life. You are simple country + folk. You are the nurses and valets of the oxen and dogs and asses you + have tamed to work for you. I can raise you out of that. I have a plan. + Why not tame men and women to work for us? Why not bring them up from + childhood never to know any other lot, so that they may believe that we + are gods, and that they are here only to make life glorious for us? + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>impressed</i>] That is a great thought, certainly. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>contemptuously</i>] Great thought! + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Well, as the serpent used to say, why not? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Because I would not have such wretches in my house. Because I hate + creatures with two heads, or with withered limbs, or that are distorted + and perverted and unnatural. I have told Cain already that he is not a man + and that Lua is not a woman: they are monsters. And now you want to make + still more unnatural monsters, so that you may be utterly lazy and + worthless, and that your tamed human animals may find work a blasting + curse. A fine dream, truly! [<i>To Cain</i>] Your father is a fool skin + deep; but you are a fool to your very marrow; and your baggage of a wife + is worse. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Why am I a fool? How am I a greater fool than you? + </p> + <p> + EVE. You said there would be no killing because the Voice would tell our + children that they must not kill. Why did it not tell Cain that? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. It did; but I am not a child to be afraid of a Voice. The Voice + thought I was nothing but my brother's keeper. It found that I was myself, + and that it was for Abel to be himself also, and look to himself. He was + not my keeper any more than I was his: why did he not kill me? There was + no more to prevent him than there was to prevent me: it was man to man; + and I won. I was the first conqueror. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What did the Voice say to you when you thought all that? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Why, it gave me right. It said that my deed was as a mark on me, a + burnt-in mark such as Abel put on his sheep, that no man should slay me. + And here I stand unslain, whilst the cowards who have never slain, the men + who are content to be their brothers' keepers instead of their masters, + are despised and rejected, and slain like rabbits. He who bears the brand + of Cain shall rule the earth. When he falls, he shall be avenged + sevenfold: the Voice has said it; so beware how you plot against me, you + and all the rest. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Cease your boasting and bullying, and tell the truth. Does not the + Voice tell you that as no man dare slay you for murdering your brother, + you ought to slay yourself? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. No. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Then there is no such thing as divine justice, unless you are lying. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I am not lying: I dare all truths. There is divine justice. For the + Voice tells me that I must offer myself to every man to be killed if he + can kill me. Without danger I cannot be great. That is how I pay for + Abel's blood. Danger and fear follow my steps everywhere. Without them + courage would have no sense. And it is courage, courage, courage, that + raises the blood of life to crimson splendor. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>picking up his spade and preparing to dig again</i>] Take + yourself off then. This splendid life of yours does not last for a + thousand years; and I must last for a thousand years. When you fighters do + not get killed in fighting one another or fighting the beasts, you die + from mere evil in yourselves. Your flesh ceases to grow like man's flesh: + it grows like a fungus on a tree. Instead of breathing you sneeze, or + cough up your insides, and wither and perish. Your bowels become rotten; + your hair falls from you; your teeth blacken and drop out; and you die + before your time, not because you will, but because you must. I will dig, + and live. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. And pray, what use is this thousand years of life to you, you old + vegetable? Do you dig any better because you have been digging for + hundreds of years? I have not lived as long as you; but I know all there + is to be known of the craft of digging. By quitting it I have set myself + free to learn nobler crafts of which you know nothing. I know the craft of + fighting and of hunting: in a word, the craft of killing. What certainty + have you of your thousand years? I could kill both of you; and you could + no more defend yourselves than a couple of sheep. I spare you; but others + may kill you. Why not live bravely, and die early and make room for + others? Why, I—I! that know many more crafts than either of you, am + tired of myself when I am not fighting or hunting. Sooner than face a + thousand years of it I should kill myself, as the Voice sometimes tempts + me to do already. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Liar: you denied just now that it called on you to pay for Abel's + life with your own. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. The Voice does not speak to me as it does to you. I am a man: you + are only a grown-up child. One does not speak to a child as to a man. And + a man does not listen and tremble in silence. He replies: he makes the + Voice respect him: in the end he dictates what the Voice shall say. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. May your tongue be accurst for such blasphemy! + </p> + <p> + EVE. Keep a guard on your own tongue; and do not curse my son. It was + Lilith who did wrong when she shared the labor of creation so unequally + between man and wife. If you, Cain, had had the trouble of making Abel, or + had had to make another man to replace him when he was gone, you would not + have killed him: you would have risked your own life to save his. That is + why all this empty talk of yours, which tempted Adam just now when he + threw down his spade and listened to you for a while, went by me like foul + wind that has passed over a dead body. That is why there is enmity between + Woman the creator and Man the destroyer. I know you: I am your mother. You + are idle: you are selfish. It is long and hard and painful to create life: + it is short and easy to steal the life others have made. When you dug, you + made the earth live and bring forth as I live and bring forth. It was for + that that Lilith set you free from the travail of women, not for theft and + murder. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. The Devil thank her for it! I can make better use of my time than to + play the husband to the clay beneath my feet. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Devil? What new word is that? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Hearken to me, old fool. I have never in my soul listened willingly + when you have told me of the Voice that whispers to you. There must be two + Voices: one that gulls and despises you, and another that trusts and + respects me. I call yours the Devil. Mine I call the Voice of God. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Mine is the Voice of Life: yours the Voice of Death. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Be it so. For it whispers to me that death is not really death: that + it is the gate of another life: a life infinitely splendid and intense: a + life of the soul alone: a life without clods or spades, hunger or fatigue— + </p> + <p> + EVE. Selfish and idle, Cain. I know. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Selfish, yes: a life in which no man is his brother's keeper, + because his brother can keep himself. But am I idle? In rejecting your + drudgery, have I not embraced evils and agonies of which you know nothing? + The arrow is lighter in the hand than the spade; but the energy that + drives it through the breast of a fighter is as fire to water compared + with the strength that drives the spade into the harmless dirty clay. My + strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What is that word? What is pure? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Turned from the clay. Turned upward to the sun, to the clear clean + heavens. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. The heavens are empty, child. The earth is fruitful. The earth feeds + us. It gives us the strength by which we made you and all mankind. Cut off + from the clay which you despise, you would perish miserably. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I revolt against the clay. I revolt against the food. You say it + gives us strength: does it not also turn into filth and smite us with + diseases? I revolt against these births that you and mother are so proud + of. They drag us down to the level of the beasts. If that is to be the + last thing as it has been the first, let mankind perish. If I am to eat + like a bear, if Lua is to bring forth cubs like a bear, then I had rather + be a bear than a man; for the bear is not ashamed: he knows no better. If + you are content, like the bear, I am not. Stay with the woman who gives + you children: I will go to the woman who gives me dreams. Grope in the + ground for your food: I will bring it from the skies with my arrows, or + strike it down as it roams the earth in the pride of its life. If I must + have food or die, I will at least have it at as far a remove from the + earth as I can. The ox shall make it something nobler than grass before it + comes to me. And as the man is nobler than the ox, I shall some day let my + enemy eat the ox; and then I will slay and eat him. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Monster! You hear this, Eve? + </p> + <p> + EVE. So that is what comes of turning your face to the clean clear + heavens! Man-eating! Child-eating! For that is what it would come to, just + as it came to lambs and kids when Abel began with sheep and goats. You are + a poor silly creature after all. Do you think I never have these thoughts: + I! who have the labor of the child-bearing: I! who have the drudgery of + preparing the food? I thought for a moment that perhaps this strong brave + son of mine, who could imagine something better, and could desire what he + imagined, might also be able to will what he desired until he created it. + And all that comes of it is that he wants to be a bear and eat children. + Even a bear would not eat a man if it could get honey instead. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I do not want to be a bear. I do not want to eat children. I do not + know what I want, except that I want to be something higher and nobler + than this stupid old digger whom Lilith made to help you to bring me into + the world, and whom you despise now that he has served your turn. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>in sullen rage</i>] I have half a mind to shew you that my spade + can split your undutiful head open, in spite of your spear. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Undutiful! Ha! ha! [<i>Flourishing his spear</i>] Try it, old + everybody's father. Try a taste of fighting. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Peace, peace, you two fools. Sit down and be quiet; and listen to me. + [<i>Adam, with a weary shrug, throws down his spade. Cain, with a laughing + one, throws down his shield and spear. Both sit on the ground</i>]. I + hardly know which of you satisfies me least, you with your dirty digging, + or he with his dirty killing. I cannot think it was for either of these + cheap ways of life that Lilith set you free. [<i>To Adam</i>] You dig + roots and coax grains out of the earth: why do you not draw down a divine + sustenance from the skies? He steals and kills for his food; and makes up + idle poems of life after death; and dresses up his terror-ridden life with + fine words and his disease-ridden body with fine clothes, so that men may + glorify and honor him instead of cursing him as murderer and thief. All + you men, except only Adam, are my sons, or my sons' sons, or my sons' + sons' sons: you all come to see me: you all shew off before me: all your + little wisdoms and accomplishments are trotted out before mother Eve. The + diggers come: the fighters and killers come: they are both very dull; for + they either complain to me of the last harvest, or boast to me of the last + fight; and one harvest is just like another, and the last fight only a + repetition of the first. Oh, I have heard it all a thousand times. They + tell me too of their last-born: the clever thing the darling child said + yesterday, and how much more wonderful or witty or quaint it is than any + child that ever was born before. And I have to pretend to be surprised, + delighted, interested; though the last child is like the first, and has + said and done nothing that did not delight Adam and me when you and Abel + said it. For you were the first children in the world, and filled us with + such wonder and delight as no couple can ever again feel while the world + lasts. When I can bear no more, I go to our old garden, that is now a mass + of nettles and thistles, in the hope of finding the serpent to talk to. + But you have made the serpent our enemy: she has left the garden, or is + dead: I never see her now. So I have to come back and listen to Adam + saying the same thing for the ten-thousandth time, or to receive a visit + from the last great-great-grandson who has grown up and wants to impress + me with his importance. Oh, it is dreary, dreary! And there is yet nearly + seven hundred years of it to endure. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Poor mother! You see, life is too long. One tires of everything. + There is nothing new under the sun. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>to Eve, grumpily</i>] Why do you live on, if you can find nothing + better to do than complain? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Because there is still hope. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Of what? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Of the coming true of your dreams and mine. Of newly created things. + Of better things. My sons and my son's sons are not all diggers and + fighters. Some of them will neither dig nor fight: they are more useless + than either of you: they are weaklings and cowards: they are vain; yet + they are dirty and will not take the trouble to cut their hair. They + borrow and never pay; but one gives them what they want, because they tell + beautiful lies in beautiful words. They can remember their dreams. They + can dream without sleeping. They have not will enough to create instead of + dreaming; but the serpent said that every dream could be willed into + creation by those strong enough to believe in it. There are others who cut + reeds of different lengths and blow through them, making lovely patterns + of sound in the air; and some of them can weave the patterns together, + sounding three reeds at the same time, and raising my soul to things for + which I have no words. And others make little mammoths out of clay, or + make faces appear on flat stones, and ask me to create women for them with + such faces. I have watched those faces and willed; and then I have made a + woman-child that has grown up quite like them. And others think of numbers + without having to count on their fingers, and watch the sky at night, and + give names to the stars, and can foretell when the sun will be covered + with a black saucepan lid. And there is Tubal, who made this wheel for me + which has saved me so much labor. And there is Enoch, who walks on the + hills, and hears the Voice continually, and has given up his will to do + the will of the Voice, and has some of the Voice's greatness. When they + come, there is always some new wonder, or some new hope: something to live + for. They never want to die, because they are always learning and always + creating either things or wisdom, or at least dreaming of them. And then + you, Cain, come to me with your stupid fighting and destroying, and your + foolish boasting; and you want me to tell you that it is all splendid, and + that you are heroic, and that nothing but death or the dread of death + makes life worth living. Away with you, naughty child; and do you, Adam, + go on with your work and not waste your time listening to him. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I am not, perhaps, very clever; but— + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>interrupting him</i>] Perhaps not; but do not begin to boast of + that. It is no credit to you. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. For all that, mother, I have an instinct which tells me that death + plays its part in life. Tell me this: who invented death? + </p> + <p> + <i>Adam springs to his feet. Eve drops her distaff. Both shew the greatest + consternation.</i> + </p> + <p> + CAIN. What is the matter with you both? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Boy: you have asked us a terrible question. + </p> + <p> + EVE. You invented murder. Let that be enough for you. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Murder is not death. You know what I mean. Those whom I slay would + die if I spared them. If I am not slain, yet I shall die. Who put this + upon me? I say, who invented death? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Be reasonable, boy. Could you bear to live for ever? You think you + could, because you know that you will never have to make your thought + good. But I have known what it is to sit and brood under the terror of + eternity, of immortality. Think of it, man: to have no escape! to be Adam, + Adam, Adam through more days than there are grains of sand by the two + rivers, and then be as far from the end as ever! I, who have so much in me + that I hate and long to cast off! Be thankful to your parents, who enabled + you to hand on your burden to new and better men, and won for you an + eternal rest; for it was we who invented death. + </p> + <p> + CAIN [<i>rising</i>] You did well: I, too, do not want to live for ever. + But if you invented death, why do you blame me, who am a minister of + death? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. I do not blame you. Go in peace. Leave me to my digging, and your + mother to her spinning. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. Well, I will leave you to it, though I have shewn you a better way. + [<i>He picks up his shield and spear</i>]. I will go back to my brave + warrior friends and their splendid women. [<i>He strides to the thorn + brake</i>]. When Adam delved and Eve span, where was then the gentleman? [<i>He + goes away roaring with laughter, which ceases as he cries from the + distance</i>] Goodbye, mother. + </p> + <p> + ADAM [<i>grumbling</i>] He might have put the hurdle back, lazy hound! [<i>He + replaces the hurdle across the passage</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Through him and his like, death is gaining on life. Already most of + our grandchildren die before they have sense enough to know how to live. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. No matter. [<i>He spits on his hands, and takes up the spade again</i>]. + Life is still long enough to learn to dig, short as they are making it. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>musing</i>] Yes, to dig. And to fight. But is it long enough for + the other things, the great things? Will they live long enough to eat + manna? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. What is manna? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Food drawn down from heaven, made out of the air, not dug dirtily + from the earth. Will they learn all the ways of all the stars in their + little time? It took Enoch two hundred years to learn to interpret the + will of the Voice. When he was a mere child of eighty, his babyish + attempts to understand the Voice were more dangerous than the wrath of + Cain. If they shorten their lives, they will dig and fight and kill and + die; and their baby Enochs will tell them that it is the will of the Voice + that they should dig and fight and kill and die for ever. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. If they are lazy and have a will towards death I cannot help it. I + will live my thousand years: if they will not, let them die and be damned. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Damned? What is that? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. The state of them that love death more than life. Go on with your + spinning; and do not sit there idle while I am straining my muscles for + you. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>slowly taking up her distaff</i>] If you were not a fool you would + find something better for both of us to live by than this spinning and + digging. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Go on with your work, I tell you; or you shall go without bread. + </p> + <p> + EVE. Man need not always live by bread alone. There is something else. We + do not yet know what it is; but some day we shall find out; and then we + will live on that alone; and there shall be no more digging nor spinning, + nor fighting nor killing. + </p> + <p> + <i>She spins resignedly; he digs impatiently.</i> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART2" id="link2H_PART2"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART II—The Gospel of the Brothers Barnabas + </h2> + <p> + <i>In the first years after the war an impressive-looking gentleman of 50 + is seated writing in a well-furnished spacious study. He is dressed in + black. His coat is a frock-coat; his tie is white; and his waistcoat, + though it is not quite a clergyman's waistcoat, and his collar, though it + buttons in front instead of behind, combine with the prosperity indicated + by his surroundings, and his air of personal distinction, to suggest the + clerical dignitary. Still, he is clearly neither dean nor bishop; he is + rather too starkly intellectual for a popular Free Church enthusiast; and + he is not careworn enough to be a great headmaster. </i> + </p> + <p> + The study windows, which have broad comfortable window seats, overlook + Hampstead Heath towards London. Consequently, it being a fine afternoon in + spring, the room is sunny. As you face these windows, you have on your + right the fireplace, with a few logs smouldering in it, and a couple of + comfortable library chairs on the hearthrug; beyond it and beside it the + door; before you the writing-table, at which the clerical gentleman sits a + little to your left facing the door with his right profile presented to + you; on your left a settee; and on your right a couple of Chippendale + chairs. There is also an upholstered square stool in the middle of the + room, against the writing-table. The walls are covered with bookshelves + above and lockers beneath. + </p> + <p> + The door opens; and another gentleman, shorter than the clerical one, + within a year or two of the same age, dressed in a well-worn tweed lounge + suit, with a short beard and much less style in his bearing and carriage, + looks in. + </p> + <p> + THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN [<i>familiar and by no means cordial</i>] Hallo! I + didn't expect you until the five o'clock train. + </p> + <p> + THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [<i>coming in very slowly</i>] I have something on + my mind. I thought I'd come early. + </p> + <p> + THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN [<i>throwing down his pen</i>] What is on your + mind? + </p> + <p> + THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [<i>sitting down on the stool, heavily preoccupied + with his thought</i>] I have made up my mind at last about the time. I + make it three hundred years. + </p> + <p> + THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN [<i>sitting up energetically</i>] Now that is + extraordinary. Most extraordinary. The very last words I wrote when you + interrupted me were 'at least three centuries.' [<i>He snatches up his + manuscript, and points to it</i>]. Here it is: [<i>reading</i>] 'the term + of human life must be extended to at least three centuries.' + </p> + <p> + THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN. How did you arrive at it? + </p> + <p> + <i>A parlor maid opens the door, ushering in a young clergyman.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Mr Haslam. [<i>She withdraws</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The visitor is so very unwelcome that his host forgets to rise; and the + two brothers stare at the intruder, quite unable to conceal their dismay. + Haslam, who has nothing clerical about him except his collar, and wears a + snuff-colored suit, smiles with a frank school-boyishness that makes it + impossible to be unkind to him, and explodes into obviously unpremeditated + speech.</i> + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. I'm afraid I'm an awful nuisance. I'm the rector; and I suppose + one ought to call on people. + </p> + <p> + THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [<i>in ghostly tones</i>] We're not Church people, + you know. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Oh, I don't mind that, if you don't. The Church people here are + mostly as dull as ditch-water. I have heard such a lot about you; and + there are so jolly few people to talk to. I thought you perhaps wouldn't + mind. <i>Do</i> you mind? for of course I'll go like a shot if I'm in the + way. + </p> + <p> + THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN [<i>rising, disarmed</i>] Sit down, Mr—er? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Haslam. + </p> + <p> + THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN. Mr Haslam. + </p> + <p> + THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [<i>rising and offering him the stool</i>] Sit down. + [<i>He retreats towards the Chippendale chairs</i>]. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>sitting down on the stool</i>] Thanks awfully. + </p> + <p> + THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN [<i>resuming his seat</i>] This is my brother + Conrad, Professor of Biology at Jarrowfields University: Dr. Conrad + Barnabas. My name is Franklyn: Franklyn Barnabas. I was in the Church + myself for some years. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>sympathizing</i>] Yes: one cant help it. If theres a living in + the family, or one's Governor knows a patron, one gets shoved into the + Church by one's parents. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>sitting down on the furthest Chippendale with a snort of + amusement</i>] Mp! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. One gets shoved out of it, sometimes, by one's conscience. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Oh yes; but where is a chap like me to go? I'm afraid I'm not + intellectual enough to split straws when theres a job in front of me, and + nothing better for me to do. I daresay the Church was a bit thick for you; + but it's good enough for me. It will last my time, anyhow [<i>he laughs + good-humoredly</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>with renewed energy</i>] There again! You see, Con. It will + last his time. Life is too short for men to take it seriously. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Thats a way of looking at it, certainly. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I was not shoved into the Church, Mr Haslam: I felt it to be my + vocation to walk with God, like Enoch. After twenty years of it I realized + that I was walking with my own ignorance and self-conceit, and that I was + not within a hundred and fifty years of the experience and wisdom I was + pretending to. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Now I come to think of it, old Methuselah must have had to think + twice before he took on anything for life. If I thought I was going to + live nine hundred and sixty years, I don't think I should stay in the + Church. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. If men lived even a third of that time, the Church would be very + different from the thing it is. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. If I could count on nine hundred and sixty years I could make + myself a real biologist, instead of what I am now: a child trying to walk. + Are you sure you might not become a good clergyman if you had a few + centuries to do it in? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Oh, theres nothing much the matter with <i>me</i>: it's quite easy + to be a decent parson. It's the Church that chokes me off. I couldnt stick + it for nine hundred years. I should chuck it. You know, sometimes, when + the bishop, who is the most priceless of fossils, lets off something more + than usually out-of-date, the bird starts in my garden. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The bird? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Oh yes. Theres a bird there that keeps on singing 'Stick it or + chuck it: stick it or chuck it'—just like that—for an hour on + end in the spring. I wish my father had found some other shop for me. + </p> + <p> + <i>The parlor maid comes back.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Any letters for the post, sir? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. These. [<i>He proffers a basket of letters. She comes to the + table and takes them</i>]. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>to the maid</i>] Have you told Mr Barnabas yet? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID [<i>flinching a little</i>] No, sir. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Told me what? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. She is going to leave you? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Indeed? I'm sorry. Is it our fault, Mr Haslam? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Not a bit. She is jolly well off here. + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID [<i>reddening</i>] I have never denied it, sir: I couldnt + ask for a better place. But I have only one life to live; and I maynt get + a second chance. Excuse me, sir; but the letters must go to catch the + post. [<i>She goes out with the letters.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <i>The two brothers look inquiringly at Haslam.</i> + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Silly girl! Going to marry a village woodman and live in a hovel + with him and a lot of kids tumbling over one another, just because the + fellow has poetic-looking eyes and a moustache. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>demurring</i>] She said it was because she had only one life. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Same thing, poor girl! The fellow persuaded her to chuck it; and + when she marries him she'll have to stick it. Rotten state of things, I + call it. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You see, she hasnt time to find out what life really means. She + has to die before she knows. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>agreeably</i>] Thats it. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. She hasnt time to form a well-instructed conscience. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>still more cheerfully</i>] Quite. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. It goes deeper. She hasnt time to form a genuine conscience at + all. Some romantic points of honor and a few conventions. A world without + conscience: that is the horror of our condition. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>beaming</i>] Simply fatuous. [<i>Rising</i>] Well, I suppose + I'd better be going. It's most awfully good of you to put up with my + calling. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>in his former low ghostly tone</i>] You neednt go, you know, if + you are really interested. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>fed up</i>] Well, I'm afraid I ought to—I really must get + back—I have something to do in the— + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>smiling benignly and rising to proffer his hand</i>] Goodbye. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>gruffly, giving him up as a bad job</i>] Goodbye. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Goodbye. Sorry—er— + </p> + <p> + <i>As the rector moves to shake hands with Franklyn, feeling that he is + making a frightful mess of his departure, a vigorous sunburnt young lady + with hazel hair cut to the level of her neck, like an Italian youth in a + Gozzoli picture, comes in impetuously. She seems to have nothing on but + her short skirt, her blouse, her stockings, and a pair of Norwegian shoes: + in short, she is a Simple-Lifer.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE SIMPLE-LIFER [<i>swooping on Conrad and kissing him</i>] Hallo, Nunk. + Youre before your time. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Behave yourself. Theres a visitor. + </p> + <p> + <i>She turns quickly and sees the rector. She instinctively switches at + her Gozzoli fringe with her fingers, but gives it up as hopeless.</i> + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Mr Haslam, our new rector. [<i>To Haslam</i>] My daughter + Cynthia. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Usually called Savvy, short for Savage. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I usually call Mr Haslam Bill, short for William. [<i>She strolls + to the hearthrug, and surveys them calmly from that commanding position</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. You know him? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Rather. Sit down, Bill. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Mr Haslam is going, Savvy. He has an engagement. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I know. I'm the engagement. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. In that case, would you mind taking him into the garden while I + talk to your father? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>to Haslam</i>] Tennis? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Rather! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Come on. [<i>She dances out. He runs boyishly after her</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>leaving his table and beginning to walk up and down the room + discontentedly</i>] Savvy's manners jar on me. They would have horrified + her grandmother. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>obstinately</i>] They are happier manners than Mother's + manners. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes: they are franker, wholesomer, better in a hundred ways. And + yet I squirm at them. I cannot get it out of my head that Mother was a + well-mannered woman, and that Savvy has no manners at all. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. There wasnt any pleasure in Mother's fine manners. That makes a + biological difference. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. But there was beauty in Mother's manners, grace in them, style + in them: above all, decision in them. Savvy is such a cub. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. So she ought to be, at her age. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. There it comes again! Her age! her age! + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You want her to be fully grown at eighteen. You want to force her + into a stuck-up, artificial, premature self-possession before she has any + self to possess. You just let her alone: she is right enough for her + years. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I have let her alone; and look at the result! Like all the other + young people who have been let alone, she becomes a Socialist. That is, + she becomes hopelessly demoralized. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, arnt you a Socialist? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes; but that is not the same thing. You and I were brought up + in the old bourgeois morality. We were taught bourgeois manners and + bourgeois points of honor. Bourgeois manners may be snobbish manners: + there may be no pleasure in them, as you say; but they are better than no + manners. Many bourgeois points of honor may be false; but at least they + exist. The women know what to expect and what is expected of them. Savvy + doesn't. She is a Bolshevist and nothing else. She has to improvise her + manners and her conduct as she goes along. It's often charming, no doubt; + but sometimes she puts her foot in it frightfully; and then I feel that + she is blaming me for not teaching her better. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, you have something better to teach her now, at all events. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes: but it is too late. She doesn't trust me now. She doesn't + talk about such things to me. She doesnt read anything I write. She never + comes to hear me lecture. I am out of it as far as Savvy is concerned. [<i>He + resumes his seat at the writing-table</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I must have a talk to her. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Perhaps she will listen to you. You are not her father. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I sent her my last book. I can break the ice by asking her what + she made of it. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. When she heard you were coming, she asked me whether all the + leaves were cut, in case it fell into your hands. She hasnt read a word of + it. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>rising indignantly</i>] What! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>inexorably</i>] Not a word of it. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>beaten</i>] Well, I suppose it's only natural. Biology is a dry + subject for a girl; and I am a pretty dry old codger. + </p> + <p> + [<i>He sits down again resignedly</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Brother: if that is so; if biology as you have worked at it, and + religion as I have worked at it, are dry subjects like the old stuff they + taught under these names, and we two are dry old codgers, like the old + preachers and professors, then the Gospel of the Brothers Barnabas is a + delusion. Unless this withered thing religion, and this dry thing science, + have come alive in our hands, alive and intensely interesting, we may just + as well go out and dig the garden until it is time to dig our graves. [<i>The + parlor maid returns. Franklyn is impatient at the interruption</i>]. Well? + what is it now? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Mr Joyce Burge on the telephone, sir. He wants to speak + to you. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>astonished</i>] Mr Joyce Burge! + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Yes, sir. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>to Conrad</i>] What on earth does this mean? I havnt heard + from him nor exchanged a word with him for years. I resigned the + chairmanship of the Liberal Association and shook the dust of party + politics from my feet before he was Prime Minister in the Coalition. Of + course, he dropped me like a hot potato. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, now that the Coalition has chucked him out, and he is only + one of the half-dozen leaders of the Opposition, perhaps he wants to pick + you up again. + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID [<i>warningly</i>] He is holding the line, sir. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes: all right [<i>he hurries out</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The parlor maid goes to the hearthrug to make up the fire. Conrad rises + and strolls to the middle of the room, where he stops and looks + quizzically down at her.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. So you have only one life to live, eh? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID [<i>dropping on her knees in consternation</i>] I meant no + offence, sir. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You didn't give any. But you know you could live a devil of a long + life if you really wanted to. + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID [<i>sitting down on her heels</i>] Oh, dont say that, sir. + It's so unsettling. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Why? Have you been thinking about it? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. It would never have come into my head if you hadnt put it + there, sir. Me and cook had a look at your book. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. What! + </p> +<div style="margin-left: 10%;"> + <i>You and cook<br /> + Had a look<br /> + At my book!</i> +</div> + <p> + And my niece wouldn't open it! The prophet is without honor in his own + family. Well, what do you think of living for several hundred years? Are + you going to have a try for it? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Well, of course youre not in earnest, sir. But it does + set one thinking, especially when one is going to be married. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. What has that to do with it? He may live as long as you, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Thats just it, sir. You see, he must take me for better + for worse, til death do us part. Do you think he would be so ready to do + that, sir, if he thought it might be for several hundred years? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Thats true. And what about yourself? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Oh, I tell you straight out, sir, I'd never promise to + live with the same man as long as that. I wouldnt put up with my own + children as long as that. Why, cook figured it out, sir, that when you + were only 200, you might marry your own + great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson and not even know who he was. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, why not? For all you know, the man you are going to marry + may be your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother's + great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. But do you think it would ever be thought respectable, + sir? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. My good girl, all biological necessities have to be made + respectable whether we like it or not; so you neednt worry yourself about + that. + </p> + <p> + <i>Franklyn returns and crosses the room to his chair, but does not sit + down. The parlor maid goes out.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, what does Joyce Burge want? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Oh, a silly misunderstanding. I have promised to address a + meeting in Middlesborough; and some fool has put it into the papers that I + am 'coming to Middlesborough,' without any explanation. Of course, now + that we are on the eve of a general election, political people think I am + coming there to contest the parliamentary seat. Burge knows that I have a + following, and thinks I could get into the House of Commons and head a + group there. So he insists on coming to see me. He is staying with some + people at Dollis Hill, and can be here in five or ten minutes, he says. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. But didn't you tell him that it's a false alarm? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Of course I did; but he wont believe me. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Called you a liar, in fact? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. No: I wish he had: any sort of plain speaking is better than the + nauseous sham good fellowship our democratic public men get up for shop + use. He pretends to believe me, and assures me his visit is quite + disinterested; but why should he come if he has no axe to grind? These + chaps never believe anything they say themselves; and naturally they + cannot believe anything anyone else says. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>rising</i>] Well, I shall clear out. It was hard enough to + stand the party politicians before the war; but now that they have managed + to half kill Europe between them, I cant be civil to them, and I dont see + why I should be. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Wait a bit. We have to find out how the world will take our new + gospel. [<i>Conrad sits down again</i>]. Party politicians are still + unfortunately an important part of the world. Suppose we try it on Joyce + Burge. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. How can you? You can tell things only to people who can listen. + Joyce Burge has talked so much that he has lost the power of listening. He + doesnt listen even in the House of Commons. + </p> + <p> + <i>Savvy rushes in breathless, followed by Haslam, who remains timidly + just inside the door.</i> + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>running to Franklyn</i>] I say! Who do you think has just driven + up in a big car? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Mr Joyce Burge, perhaps. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>disappointed</i>] Oh, they know, Bill. Why didnt you tell us he + was coming? I have nothing on. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. I'd better go, hadnt I? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You just wait here, both of you. When you start yawning, Joyce + Burge will take the hint, perhaps. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>to Franklyn</i>] May we? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes, if you promise to behave yourself. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>making a wry face</i>] That will be a treat, wont it? + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID [<i>entering and announcing</i>] Mr Joyce Burge. + </p> + <p> + <i>Haslam hastily moves to the fireplace; and the parlor maid goes out and + shuts the door when the visitor has passed in.</i> + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>hurrying past Savvy to his guest with the false cordiality he + has just been denouncing</i>] Oh! Here you are. Delighted to see you. [<i>He + shakes Burge's hand, and introduces Savvy</i>] My daughter. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>not daring to approach</i>] Very kind of you to come. + </p> + <p> + <i>Joyce Burge stands fast and says nothing; but he screws up his cheeks + into a smile at each introduction, and makes his eyes shine in a very + winning manner. He is a well-fed man turned fifty, with broad forehead, + and grey hair which, his neck being short, falls almost to his collar.</i> + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Mr Haslam, our rector. + </p> + <p> + <i>Burge conveys an impression of shining like a church window; and Haslam + seizes the nearest library chair on the hearth, and swings it round for + Burge between the stool and Conrad. He then retires to the window seat at + the other side of the room, and is joined by Savvy. They sit there, side + by side, hunched up with their elbows on their knees and their chins on + their hands, providing Burge with a sort of Stranger's Gallery during the + ensuing sitting.</i> + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I forget whether you know my brother Conrad. He is a biologist. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>suddenly bursting into energetic action and shaking hands + heartily with Conrad</i>] By reputation only, but very well, of course. + How I wish I could have devoted myself to biology! I have always been + interested in rocks and strata and volcanoes and so forth: they throw such + a light on the age of the earth. [<i>With conviction</i>] There is nothing + like biology. 'The cloud-capped towers, the solemn binnacles, the gorgeous + temples, the great globe itself: yea, all that it inherit shall dissolve, + and, like this influential pageant faded, leave not a rack behind.' Thats + biology, you know: good sound biology. [<i>He sits down. So do the others, + Franklyn on the stool, and Conrad on his Chippendale</i>]. Well, my dear + Barnabas, what do you think of the situation? Dont you think the time has + come for us to make a move? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The time has always come to make a move. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. How true! But what is the move to be? You are a man of enormous + influence. We know that. Weve always known it. We have to consult you + whether we like it or not. We— + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>interrupting firmly</i>] I never meddle in party politics + now. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. It's no use saying you have no influence, daddy. Heaps of people + swear by you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>shining at her</i>] Of course they do. Come! let me prove to you + what we think of you. Shall we find you a first-rate constituency to + contest at the next election? One that wont cost you a penny. A + metropolitan seat. What do you say to the Strand? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. My dear Burge, I am not a child. Why do you go on wasting your + party funds on the Strand? You know you cannot win it. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. We cannot win it; but you— + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Oh, please! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. The Strand's no use, Mr Burge. I once canvassed for a Socialist + there. Cheese it. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Cheese it! + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>spluttering with suppressed laughter</i>] Priceless! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Well, I suppose I shouldnt say cheese it to a Right Honorable. But + the Strand, you know! Do come off it. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. You must excuse my daughter's shocking manners, Burge; but I + agree with her that popular democratic statesmen soon come to believe that + everyone they speak to is an ignorant dupe and a born fool into the + bargain. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>laughing genially</i>] You old aristocrat, you! But believe me, + the instinct of the people is sound— + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>cutting in sharply</i>] Then why are you in the Opposition + instead of in the Government? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>shewing signs of temper under this heckling</i>] I deny that I + am in the Opposition <i>morally</i>. The Government does not represent the + country. I was chucked out of the Coalition by a Tory conspiracy. The + people want me back. I dont want to go back. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>gently remonstrant</i>] My dear Burge: of course you do. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>turning on him</i>] Not a bit of it. I want to cultivate my + garden. I am not interested in politics: I am interested in roses. I havnt + a scrap of ambition. I went into politics because my wife shoved me into + them, bless her! But I want to serve my country. What else am I for? I + want to save my country from the Tories. They dont represent the people. + The man they have made Prime Minister has never represented the people; + and you know it. Lord Dunreen is the bitterest old Tory left alive. What + has he to offer to the people? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>cutting in before Burge can proceed—as he evidently + intends—to answer his own question</i>] I will tell you. He has + ascertainable beliefs and principles to offer. The people know where they + are with Lord Dunreen. They know what he thinks right and what he thinks + wrong. With your followers they never know where they are. With you they + never know where they are. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>amazed</i>] With me! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Well, where are you? What are you? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Barnabas: you must be mad. You ask me what I am? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I do. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. I am, if I mistake not, Joyce Burge, pretty well known throughout + Europe, and indeed throughout the world, as the man who—unworthily + perhaps, but not quite unsuccessfully—held the helm when the ship of + State weathered the mightiest hurricane that has ever burst with + earth-shaking violence on the land of our fathers. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I know that. I know who you are. And the earth-shaking part of + it to me is that though you were placed in that enormously responsible + position, neither I nor anyone else knows what your beliefs are, or even + whether you have either beliefs or principles. What we did know was that + your Government was formed largely of men who regarded you as a robber of + henroosts, and whom you regarded as enemies of the people. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>adroitly, as he thinks</i>] I agree with you. I agree with you + absolutely. I dont believe in coalition governments. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Precisely. Yet you formed two. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Why? Because we were at war. That is what you fellows never would + realize. The Hun was at the gate. Our country, our lives, the honor of our + wives and mothers and daughters, the tender flesh of our innocent babes, + were at stake. Was that a time to argue about principles? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I should say it was the time of all others to confirm the + resolution of our own men and gain the confidence and support of public + opinion throughout the world by a declaration of principle. Do you think + the Hun would ever have come to the gate if he had known that it would be + shut in his face on principle? Did he not hold his own against you until + America boldly affirmed the democratic principle and came to our rescue? + Why did you let America snatch that honor from England? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Barnabas: America was carried away by words, and had to eat them at + the Peace Conference. Beware of eloquence: it is the bane of popular + speakers like you. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN} [<i>exclaiming</i>]{Well!! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY} [<i>all</i>]{I like that! + </p> + <p> + HASLAM} [<i>together</i>]{Priceless! + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>continuing remorselessly</i>] Come down to facts. It wasn't + principle that won the war: it was the British fleet and the blockade. + America found the talk: I found the shells. You cannot win wars by + principles; but you <i>can</i> win elections by them. There I am with you. + You want the next election to be fought on principles: that is what it + comes to, doesnt it? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I dont want it to be fought at all! An election is a moral + horror, as bad as a battle except for the blood: a mud bath for every soul + concerned in it. You know very well that it will not be fought on + principle. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. On the contrary it will be fought on nothing else. I believe a + program is a mistake. I agree with you that principle is what we want. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Principle without program, eh? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Exactly. There it is in three words. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Why not in one word? Platitudes. That is what principle without + program means. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>puzzled but patient, trying to get at Franklyn's drift in order + to ascertain his price</i>] I have not made myself clear. Listen. I am + agreeing with you. I am on your side. I am accepting your proposal. There + isnt going to be any more coalition. This time there wont be a Tory in the + Cabinet. Every candidate will have to pledge himself to Free Trade, + slightly modified by consideration for our Overseas Dominions; to + Disestablishment; to Reform of the House of Lords; to a revised scheme of + Taxation of Land Values; and to doing something or other to keep the Irish + quiet. Does that satisfy you? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. It does not even interest me. Suppose your friends do commit + themselves to all this! What does it prove about them except that they are + hopelessly out of date even in party politics? that they have learnt + nothing and forgotten nothing since 1885? What is it to me that they hate + the Church and hate the landed gentry; that they are jealous of the + nobility, and have shipping shares instead of manufacturing businesses in + the Midlands? I can find you hundreds of the most sordid rascals, or the + most densely stupid reactionaries, with all these qualifications. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Personal abuse proves nothing. Do you suppose the Tories are all + angels because they are all members of the Church of England? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. No; but they stand together as members of the Church of England, + whereas your people, in attacking the Church, are all over the shop. The + supporters of the Church are of one mind about religion: its enemies are + of a dozen minds. The Churchmen are a phalanx: your people are a mob in + which atheists are jostled by Plymouth Brethren, and Positivists by + Pillars of Fire. You have with you all the crudest unbelievers and all the + crudest fanatics. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. We stand, as Cromwell did, for liberty of conscience, if that is + what you mean. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. How can you talk such rubbish over the graves of your + conscientious objectors? All law limits liberty of conscience: if a man's + conscience allows him to steal your watch or to shirk military service, + how much liberty do you allow it? Liberty of conscience is not my point. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>testily</i>] I wish you would come to your point. Half the time + you are saying that you must have principles; and when I offer you + principles you say they wont work. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. You have not offered me any principles. Your party shibboleths + are not principles. If you get into power again you will find yourself at + the head of a rabble of Socialists and anti-Socialists, of Jingo + Imperialists and Little Englanders, of cast-iron Materialists and ecstatic + Quakers, of Christian Scientists and Compulsory Inoculationists, of + Syndicalists and Bureaucrats: in short, of men differing fiercely and + irreconcilably on every principle that goes to the root of human society + and destiny; and the impossibility of keeping such a team together will + force you to sell the pass again to the solid Conservative Opposition. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>rising in wrath</i>] Sell the pass again! You accuse me of + having sold the pass! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. When the terrible impact of real warfare swept your + parliamentary sham warfare into the dustbin, you had to go behind the + backs of your followers and make a secret agreement with the leaders of + the Opposition to keep you in power on condition that you dropped all + legislation of which they did not approve. And you could not even hold + them to their bargain; for they presently betrayed the secret and forced + the coalition on you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. I solemnly declare that this is a false and monstrous accusation. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Do you deny that the thing occurred? Were the uncontradicted + reports false? Were the published letters forgeries? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Certainly not. But <i>I</i> did not do it. I was not Prime Minister + then. It was that old dotard, that played-out old humbug Lubin. He was + Prime Minister then, not I. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Do you mean to say you did not know? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>sitting down again with a shrug</i>] Oh, I had to be told. But + what could I do? If we had refused we might have had to go out of office. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Precisely. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Well, could we desert the country at such a crisis? The Hun was at + the gate. Everyone has to make sacrifices for the sake of the country at + such moments. We had to rise above party; and I am proud to say we never + gave party a second thought. We stuck to— + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Office? + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>turning on him</i>] Yes, sir, to office: that is, to + responsibility, to danger, to heart-sickening toil, to abuse and + misunderstanding, to a martyrdom that made us envy the very soldiers in + the trenches. If you had had to live for months on aspirin and bromide of + potassium to get a wink of sleep, you wouldn't talk about office as if it + were a catch. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Still, you admit that under our parliamentary system Lubin could + not have helped himself? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. On that subject my lips are closed. Nothing will induce me to say + one word against the old man. I never have; and I never will. Lubin is + old: he has never been a real statesman: he is as lazy as a cat on a + hearthrug: you cant get him to attend to anything: he is good for nothing + but getting up and making speeches with a peroration that goes down with + the back benches. But I say nothing against him. I gather that you do not + think much of me as a statesman; but at all events I can get things done. + I can hustle: even you will admit that. But Lubin! Oh my stars, Lubin!! If + you only knew— + </p> + <p> + <i>The parlor maid opens the door and announces a visitor.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE PARLOR MAID. Mr Lubin. + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>bounding from his chair</i>] Lubin! Is this a conspiracy? + </p> + <p> + <i>They all rise in amazement, staring at the door. Lubin enters: a man at + the end of his sixties, a Yorkshireman with the last traces of + Scandinavian flax still in his white hair, undistinguished in stature, + unassuming in his manner, and taking his simple dignity for granted, but + wonderfully comfortable and quite self-assured in contrast to the + intellectual restlessness of Franklyn and the mesmeric self-assertiveness + of Burge. His presence suddenly brings out the fact that they are unhappy + men, ill at ease, square pegs in round holes, whilst he flourishes like a + primrose. </i> + </p> + <p> + The parlor maid withdraws. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>coming to Franklyn</i>] How do you do, Mr Barnabas? [<i>He + speaks very comfortably and kindly, much as if he were the host, and + Franklyn an embarrassed but welcome guest</i>]. I had the pleasure of + meeting you once at the Mansion House. I think it was to celebrate the + conclusion of the hundred years peace with America. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>shaking hands</i>] It was long before that: a meeting about + Venezuela, when we were on the point of going to war with America. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>not at all put out</i>] Yes: you are quite right. I knew it was + something about America. [<i>He pats Franklyn's hand</i>]. And how have + you been all this time? Well, eh? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>smiling to soften the sarcasm</i>] A few vicissitudes of + health naturally in so long a time. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Just so. Just so. [<i>Looking round at Savvy</i>] The young lady is—? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. My daughter, Savvy. + </p> + <p> + <i>Savvy comes from the window between her father and Lubin.</i> + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>taking her hand affectionately in both his</i>] And why has she + never come to see us? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. I don't know whether you have noticed, Lubin, that I am present. + </p> + <p> + <i>Savvy takes advantage of this diversion to slip away to the settee, + where she is stealthily joined by Haslam, who sits down on her left.</i> + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>seating himself in Burge's chair with ineffable comfortableness</i>] + My dear Burge: if you imagine that it is possible to be within ten miles + of your energetic presence without being acutely aware of it, you do + yourself the greatest injustice. How are you? And how are your good + newspaper friends? [<i>Burge makes an explosive movement; but Lubin goes + on calmly and sweetly</i>] And what are you doing here with my old friend + Barnabas, if I may ask? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>sitting down in Conrad's chair, leaving him standing uneasily in + the corner</i>] Well, just what you are doing, if you want to know. I am + trying to enlist Mr Barnabas's valuable support for my party. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Your party, eh? The newspaper party? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. The Liberal Party. The party of which I have the honor to be + leader. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Have you now? Thats very interesting; for I thought <i>I</i> was + the leader of the Liberal Party. However, it is very kind of you to take + it off my hands, if the party will let you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Do you suggest that I have not the support and confidence of the + party? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I dont suggest anything, my dear Burge. Mr Barnabas will tell you + that we all think very highly of you. The country owes you a great deal. + During the war, you did very creditably over the munitions; and if you + were not quite so successful with the peace, nobody doubted that you meant + well. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Very kind of you, Lubin. Let me remark that you cannot lead a + progressive party without getting a move on. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. You mean you cannot. I did it for ten years without the least + difficulty. And very comfortable, prosperous, pleasant years they were. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Yes; but what did they end in? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. In you, Burge. You don't complain of that, do you? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>fiercely</i>] In plague, pestilence, and famine; battle, murder, + and sudden death. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>with an appreciative chuckle</i>] The Nonconformist can quote + the prayer-book for his own purposes, I see. How you enjoyed yourself over + that business, Burge! Do you remember the Knock-Out Blow? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. It came off: don't forget that. Do <i>you</i> remember fighting to + the last drop of your blood? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>unruffled, to Franklyn</i>] By the way, I remember your brother + Conrad—a wonderful brain and a dear good fellow—explaining to + me that I couldn't fight to the last drop of my blood, because I should be + dead long before I came to it. Most interesting, and quite true. He was + introduced to me at a meeting where the suffragettes kept disturbing me. + They had to be carried out kicking and making a horrid disturbance. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No: it was later, at a meeting to support the Franchise Bill which + gave them the vote. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>discovering Conrad's presence for the first time</i>] Youre + right: it was. I knew it had something to do with women. My memory never + deceives me. Thank you. Will you introduce me to this gentleman, Barnabas? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>not at all affably</i>] I am the Conrad in question. [<i>He + sits down in dudgeon on the vacant Chippendale</i>]. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Are you? [<i>Looking at him pleasantly</i>] Yes: of course you are. + I never forget a face. But [<i>with an arch turn of his eyes to Savvy</i>] + your pretty niece engaged all my powers of vision. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. I wish youd be serious, Lubin. God knows we have passed through + times terrible enough to make any man serious. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I do not think I need to be reminded of that. In peace time I used + to keep myself fresh for my work by banishing all worldly considerations + from my mind on Sundays; but war has no respect for the Sabbath; and there + have been Sundays within the last few years on which I have had to play as + many as sixty-six games of bridge to keep my mind off the news from the + front. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>scandalized</i>] Sixty-six games of bridge on Sunday!!! + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. You probably sang sixty-six hymns. But as I cannot boast either + your admirable voice or your spiritual fervor, I had to fall back on + bridge. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. If I may go back to the subject of your visit, it seems to me + that you may both be completely superseded by the Labor Party. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. But I am in the truest sense myself a Labor leader. I—[<i>he + stops, as Lubin has risen with a half-suppressed yawn, and is already + talking calmly, but without a pretence of interest</i>]. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. The Labor Party! Oh no, Mr Barnabas. No, no, no, no, no. [<i>He + moves in Savvy's direction</i>]. There will be no trouble about that. Of + course we must give them a few seats: more, I quite admit, than we should + have dreamt of leaving to them before the war; but—[<i>by this time + he has reached the sofa where Savvy and Haslam are seated. He sits down + between them; takes her hand; and drops the subject of Labor</i>]. Well, + my dear young lady? What is the latest news? Whats going on? Have you seen + Shoddy's new play? Tell me all about it, and all about the latest books, + and all about everything. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. You have not met Mr Haslam. Our Rector. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>who has quite overlooked Haslam</i>] Never heard of him. Is he + any good? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I was introducing him. This is Mr Haslam. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. How d'ye do? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I beg your pardon, Mr Haslam. Delighted to meet you. [<i>To Savvy</i>] + Well, now, how many books have you written? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>rather overwhelmed but attracted</i>] None. I don't write. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. You dont say so; Well, what do you do? Music? Skirt-dancing? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I dont do anything. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Thank God! You and I were born for one another. Who is your + favorite poet, Sally? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Savvy. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Savvy! I never heard of him. Tell me all about him. Keep me up to + date. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. It's not a poet. <i>I</i> am Savvy, not Sally. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Savvy! Thats a funny name, and very pretty. Savvy. It sounds + Chinese. What does it mean? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Short for Savage. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>patting her hand</i>] La belle Sauvage. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>rising and surrendering Savvy to Lubin by crossing to the + fireplace</i>] I suppose the Church is out of it as far as progressive + politics are concerned. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Nonsense! That notion about the Church being unprogressive is one + of those shibboleths that our party must drop. The Church is all right + essentially. Get rid of the establishment; get rid of the bishops; get rid + of the candlesticks; get rid of the 39 articles; and the Church of England + is just as good as any other Church; and I don't care who hears me say so. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. It doesn't matter a bit who hears you say so, my dear Burge. [<i>To + Savvy</i>] Who did you say your favorite poet was? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I dont make pets of poets. Who's yours? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Horace. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Horace who? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Quintus Horatius Flaccus: the noblest Roman of them all, my dear. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Oh, if he is dead, that explains it. I have a theory that all the + dead people we feel especially interested in must have been ourselves. You + must be Horace's reincarnation. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>delighted</i>] That is the very most charming and penetrating + and intelligent thing that has ever been said to me. Barnabas: will you + exchange daughters with me? I can give you your choice of two. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Man proposes. Savvy disposes. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. What does Savvy say? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Lubin: I came here to talk politics. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Yes: you have only one subject, Burge. I came here to talk to + Savvy. Take Burge into the next room, Barnabas; and let him rip. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>half-angry, half-indulgent</i>] No; but really, Lubin, we are at + a crisis— + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. My dear Burge, life is a disease; and the only difference between + one man and another is the stage of the disease at which he lives. You are + always at the crisis; I am always in the convalescent stage. I enjoy + convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>half-rising</i>] Perhaps I'd better run away. I am distracting + you. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>making her sit down again</i>] Not at all, my dear. You are only + distracting Burge. Jolly good thing for him to be distracted by a pretty + girl. Just what he needs. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. I sometimes envy you, Lubin. The great movement of mankind, the + giant sweep of the ages, passes you by and leaves you standing. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. It leaves me sitting, and quite comfortable, thank you. Go on + sweeping. When you are tired of it, come back; and you will find England + where it was, and me in my accustomed place, with Miss Savvy telling me + all sorts of interesting things. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>who has been growing more and more restless</i>] Dont let him + shut you up, Mr Burge. You know, Mr Lubin, I am frightfully interested in + the Labor movement, and in Theosophy, and in reconstruction after the war, + and all sorts of things. I daresay the flappers in your smart set are + tremendously flattered when you sit beside them and are nice to them as + you are being nice to me; but I am not smart; and I am no use as a + flapper. I am dowdy and serious. I want you to be serious. If you refuse, + I shall go and sit beside Mr Burge, and ask him to hold my hand. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. He wouldnt know how to do it, my dear. Burge has a reputation as a + profligate— + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>starting</i>] Lubin: this is monstrous. I— + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>continuing</i>]—but he is really a model of domesticity. + His name is coupled with all the most celebrated beauties; but for him + there is only one woman; and that is not you, my dear, but his very + charming wife. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. You are destroying my character in the act of pretending to save + it. Have the goodness to confine yourself to your own character and your + own wife. Both of them need all your attention. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I have the privilege of my age and of my transparent innocence. I + have not to struggle with your volcanic energy. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>with an immense sense of power</i>] No, by George! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I think I shall speak both for my brother and myself, and + possibly also for my daughter, if I say that since the object of your + visit and Mr Joyce Burge's is to some extent political, we should hear + with great interest something about your political aims, Mr Lubin. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>assenting with complete good humor, and becoming attentive, + clear, and businesslike in his tone</i>] By all means, Mr Barnabas. What + we have to consider first, I take it, is what prospect there is of our + finding you beside us in the House after the next election. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. When I speak of politics, Mr Lubin, I am not thinking of + elections, or available seats, or party funds, or the registers, or even, + I am sorry to have to add, of parliament as it exists at present. I had + much rather you talked about bridge than about electioneering: it is the + more interesting game of the two. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. He wants to discuss principles, Lubin. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>very cool and clear</i>] I understand Mr Barnabas quite well. + But elections are unsettled things; principles are settled things. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>impatiently</i>] Great Heavens!— + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>interrupting him with quiet authority</i>] One moment, Dr + Barnabas. The main principles on which modern civilized society is founded + are pretty well understood among educated people. That is what our + dangerously half-educated masses and their pet demagogues—if Burge + will excuse that expression— + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Dont mind me. Go on. I shall have something to say presently. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN.—that is what our dangerously half-educated people do not + realize. Take all this fuss about the Labor Party, with its imaginary new + principles and new politics. The Labor members will find that the + immutable laws of political economy take no more notice of their ambitions + and aspirations than the law of gravitation. I speak, if I may say so, + with knowledge; for I have made a special, study of the Labor question. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>with interest and some surprise</i>] Indeed? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Yes. It occurred quite at the beginning of my career. I was asked + to deliver an address to the students at the Working Men's College; and I + was strongly advised to comply, as Gladstone and Morley and others were + doing that sort of thing at the moment. It was rather a troublesome job, + because I had not gone into political economy at the time. As you know, at + the university I was a classical scholar; and my profession was the Law. + But I looked up the text-books, and got up the case most carefully. I + found that the correct view is that all this Trade Unionism and Socialism + and so forth is founded on the ignorant delusion that wages and the + production and distribution of wealth can be controlled by legislation or + by any human action whatever. They obey fixed scientific laws, which have + been ascertained and settled finally by the highest economic authorities. + Naturally I do not at this distance of time remember the exact process of + reasoning; but I can get up the case again at any time in a couple of + days; and you may rely on me absolutely, should the occasion arise, to + deal with all these ignorant and unpractical people in a conclusive and + convincing way, except, of course, as far as it may be advisable to + indulge and flatter them a little so as to let them down without creating + ill feeling in the working-class electorate. In short, I can get that + lecture up again almost at a moment's notice. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. But, Mr Lubin, I have had a university education too; and all this + about wages and distribution being fixed by immutable laws of political + economy is obsolete rot. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>shocked</i>] Oh, my dear! That is not polite. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. No, no, no. Dont scold her. She mustnt be scolded. [<i>To Savvy</i>] + I understand. You are a disciple of Karl Marx. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. No, no. Karl Marx's economics are all rot. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>at last a little taken aback</i>] Dear me! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. You must excuse me, Mr Lubin; but it's like hearing a man talk + about the Garden of Eden. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Why shouldnt he talk about the Garden of Eden? It was a first + attempt at biology anyhow. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>recovering his self-possession</i>] I am sound on the Garden of + Eden. I have heard of Darwin. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. But Darwin is all rot. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. What! Already! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. It's no good your smiling at me like a Cheshire cat, Mr Lubin; and + I am not going to sit here mumchance like an old-fashioned goody goody + wife while you men monopolize the conversation and pay out the very + ghastliest exploded drivel as the latest thing in politics. I am not + giving you my own ideas, Mr Lubin, but just the regular orthodox science + of today. Only the most awful old fossils think that Socialism is bad + economics and that Darwin invented Evolution. Ask Papa. Ask Uncle. Ask the + first person you meet in the street. [<i>She rises and crosses to Haslam</i>]. + Give me a cigaret, Bill, will you? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Priceless. [<i>He complies</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Savvy has not lived long enough to have any manners, Mr Lubin; + but that is where you stand with the younger generation. Dont smoke, dear. + </p> + <p> + <i>Savvy, with a shrug of rather mutinous resignation, throws the cigaret + into the fire. Haslam, on the point of lighting one for himself, changes + his mind.</i> + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>shrewd and serious</i>] Mr Barnabas: I confess I am surprised; + and I will not pretend that I am convinced. But I am open to conviction. I + may be wrong. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>in a burst of irony</i>] Oh no. Impossible! Impossible! + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Yes, Mr Barnabas, though I do not possess Burge's genius for being + always wrong, I have been in that position once or twice. I could not + conceal from you, even if I wished to, that my time has been so completely + filled by my professional work as a lawyer, and later on by my duties as + leader of the House of Commons in the days when Prime Ministers were also + leaders— + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>stung</i>] Not to mention bridge and smart society. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN.—not to mention the continual and trying effort to make Burge + behave himself, that I have not been able to keep my academic reading up + to date. I have kept my classics brushed up out of sheer love for them; + but my economics and my science, such as they were, may possibly be a + little rusty. Yet I think I may say that if you and your brother will be + so good as to put me on the track of the necessary documents, I will + undertake to put the case to the House or to the country to your entire + satisfaction. You see, as long as you can shew these troublesome + half-educated people who want to turn the world upside down that they are + talking nonsense, it really does not matter very much whether you do it in + terms of what Miss Barnabas calls obsolete rot or in terms of what her + granddaughter will probably call unmitigated tosh. I have no objection + whatever to denounce Karl Marx. Anything I can say against Darwin will + please a large body of sincerely pious voters. If it will be easier to + carry on the business of the country on the understanding that the present + state of things is to be called Socialism, I have no objection in the + world to call it Socialism. There is the precedent of the Emperor + Constantine, who saved the society of his own day by agreeing to call his + Imperialism Christianity. Mind: I must not go ahead of the electorate. You + must not call a voter a Socialist until— + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Until he is a Socialist. Agreed. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Oh, not at all. You need not wait for that. You must not call him a + Socialist until he wishes to be called a Socialist: that is all. Surely + you would not say that I must not address my constituents as gentlemen + until they are gentlemen. I address them as gentlemen because they wish to + be so addressed. [<i>He rises from the sofa and goes to Franklyn, placing + a reassuring hand on his shoulder</i>]. Do not be afraid of Socialism, Mr + Barnabas. You need not tremble for your property or your position or your + dignity. England will remain what England is, no matter what new political + names may come into vogue. I do not intend to resist the transition to + Socialism. You may depend on me to guide it, to lead it, to give suitable + expression to its aspirations, and to steer it clear of Utopian + absurdities. I can honestly ask for your support on the most advanced + Socialist grounds no less than on the soundest Liberal ones. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. In short, Lubin, youre incorrigible. You dont believe anything is + going to change. The millions are still to toil—the people—my + people—for I am a man of the people— + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>interrupting him contemptuously</i>] Dont be ridiculous, Burge. + You are a country solicitor, further removed from the people, more foreign + to them, more jealous of letting them up to your level, than any duke or + any archbishop. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>hotly</i>] I deny it. You think I have never been poor. You + think I have never cleaned my own boots. You think my fingers have never + come out through the soles when I was cleaning them. You think— + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I think you fall into the very common mistake of supposing that it + is poverty that makes the proletarian and money that makes the gentleman. + You are quite wrong. You never belonged to the people: you belonged to the + impecunious. Impecuniosity and broken boots are the lot of the + unsuccessful middle class, and the commonplaces of the early struggles of + the professional and younger son class. I defy you to find a farm laborer + in England with broken boots. Call a mechanic one of the poor, and he'll + punch your head. When you talk to your constituents about the toiling + millions, they don't consider that you are referring to them. They are all + third cousins of somebody with a title or a park. I am a Yorkshireman, my + friend. I know England; and you don't. If you did you would know— + </p> + <p> + SURGE. What do you know that I don't know? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I know that we are taking up too much of Mr Barnabas's time. [<i>Franklyn + rises</i>]. May I take it, my dear Barnabas, that I may count on your + support if we succeed in forcing an election before the new register is in + full working order? + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>rising also</i>] May the party count on your support? I say + nothing about myself. Can the party depend on you? Is there any question + of yours that I have left unanswered? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. We havnt asked you any, you know. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. May I take that as a mark of confidence? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. If I were a laborer in your constituency, I should ask you a + biological question? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. No you wouldnt, my dear Doctor. Laborers never ask questions. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Ask it now. I have never flinched from being heckled. Out with it. + Is it about the land? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Is it about the Church? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Is it about the House of Lords? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Is it about Proportional Representation? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Is it about Free Trade? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Is it about the priest in the school? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Is it about Ireland? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Is it about Germany? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Well, is it about Republicanism? Come! I wont flinch. Is it about + the Monarchy? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Well, what the devil is it about, then? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You understand that I am asking the question in the character of a + laborer who earned thirteen shillings a week before the war and earns + thirty now, when he can get it? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Yes: I understand that. I am ready for you. Out with it. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. And whom you propose to represent n parliament? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Yes, yes, yes. Come on. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. The question is this. Would you allow your son to marry my + daughter, or your daughter to marry my son? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>taken aback</i>] Oh, come! Thats not a political question. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Then, as a biologist, I don't take the slightest interest in your + politics; and I shall not walk across the street to vote for you or anyone + else at the election. Good evening. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Serve you right, Burge! Dr Barnabas: you have my assurance that my + daughter shall marry the man of her choice, whether he be lord or laborer. + May <i>I</i> count on your support? + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>hurling the epithet at him</i>] Humbug! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Stop. [<i>They all stop short in the movement of leave-taking to + look at her</i>]. Daddy: are you going to let them off like this? How are + they to know anything if nobody ever tells them? If you don't, I will. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You cant. You didn't read my book; and you know nothing about it. + You just hold your tongue. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I just wont, Nunk. I shall have a vote when I am thirty; and I + ought to have it now. Why are these two ridiculous people to be allowed to + come in and walk over us as if the world existed only to play their silly + parliamentary game? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>severely</i>] Savvy: you really must not be uncivil to our + guests. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I'm sorry. But Mr Lubin didn't stand on much ceremony with me, did + he? And Mr Burge hasnt addressed a single word to me. I'm not going to + stand it. You and Nunk have a much better program than either of them. + It's the only one we are going to vote for; and they ought to be told + about it for the credit of the family and the good of their own souls. You + just tip them a chapter from the gospel of the brothers Barnabas, Daddy. + </p> + <p> + <i>Lubin and Burge turn inquiringly to Franklyn, suspecting a move to form + a new party.</i> + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. It is quite true, Mr Lubin, that I and my brother have a little + program of our own which— + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>interrupting</i>] It's not a little program: it's an almighty + big one. It's not our own: it's the program of the whole of civilization. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Then why split the party before you have put it to us? For God's + sake let us have no more splits. I am here to learn. I am here to gather + your opinions and represent them. I invite you to put your views before + me. I offer myself to be heckled. You have asked me only an absurd + non-political question. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Candidly, I fear our program will be thrown away on you. It + would not interest you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>with challenging audacity</i>] Try. Lubin can go if he likes; + but I am still open to new ideas, if only I can find them. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>to Lubin</i>] Are you prepared to listen, Mr Lubin; or shall + I thank you for your very kind and welcome visit, and say good evening? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>sitting down resignedly on the settee, but involuntarily making + a movement which looks like the stifling of a yawn</i>] With pleasure, Mr + Barnabas. Of course you know that before I can adopt any new plank in the + party platform, it will have to reach me through the National Liberal + Federation, which you can approach through your local Liberal and Radical + Association. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I could recall to you several instances of the addition to your + party program of measures of which no local branch of your Federation had + ever dreamt. But I understand that you are not really interested. I will + spare you, and drop the subject. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>waking up a little</i>] You quite misunderstand me. Please do + not take it in that way. I only— + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>talking him down</i>] Never mind the Federation: <i>I</i> will + answer for the Federation. Go on, Barnabas: go on. Never mind Lubin [<i>he + sits down in the chair from which Lubin first displaced him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Our program is only that the term of human life shall be + extended to three hundred years. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>softly</i>] Eh? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>explosively</i>] What! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Our election cry is 'Back to Methuselah!' + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Priceless! + </p> + <p> + <i>Lubin and Surge look at one another.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. We are not mad. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Theyre not joking either. They mean it. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>cautiously</i>] Assuming that, in some sense which I am for the + moment unable to fathom, you are in earnest, Mr Barnabas, may I ask what + this has to do with politics? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The connection is very evident. You are now, Mr Lubin, within + immediate reach of your seventieth year. Mr Joyce Surge is your junior by + about eleven years. You will go down to posterity as one of a European + group of immature statesmen and monarchs who, doing the very best for your + respective countries of which you were capable, succeeded in + all-but-wrecking the civilization of Europe, and did, in effect, wipe out + of existence many millions of its inhabitants. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Less than a million. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. That was our loss alone. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Oh, if you count foreigners—! + </p> + <p> + HAS LAM. God counts foreigners, you know. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>with intense satisfaction</i>] Well said, Bill. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I am not blaming you. Your task was beyond human capacity. What + with our huge armaments, our terrible engines of destruction, our systems + of coercion manned by an irresistible police, you were called on to + control powers so gigantic that one shudders at the thought of their being + entrusted even to an infinitely experienced and benevolent God, much less + to mortal men whose whole life does not last a hundred years. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. We won the war: don't forget that. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. No: the soldiers and sailors won it, and left you to finish it. + And you were so utterly incompetent that the multitudes of children slain + by hunger in the first years of peace made us all wish we were at war + again. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. It's no use arguing about it. It is now absolutely certain that + the political and social problems raised by our civilization cannot be + solved by mere human mushrooms who decay and die when they are just + beginning to have a glimmer of the wisdom and knowledge needed for their + own government. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Quite an interesting idea, Doctor. Extravagant. Fantastic. But + quite interesting. When I was young I used to feel my human limitations + very acutely. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. God knows I have often felt that I could not go on if it had not + been for the sense that I was only an instrument in the hands of a Power + above us. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I'm glad you both agree with us, and with one another. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I have not gone so far as that, I think. After all, we have had + many very able political leaders even within your recollection and mine. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Have you read the recent biographies—Dilke's, for instance—which + revealed the truth about them? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I did not discover any new truth revealed in these books, Mr + Barnabas. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. What! Not the truth that England was governed all that time by a + little woman who knew her own mind? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Hear, hear! + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. That often happens. Which woman do you mean? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Queen Victoria, to whom your Prime Ministers stood in the + relation of naughty children whose heads she knocked together when their + tempers and quarrels became intolerable. Within thirteen years of her + death Europe became a hell. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Quite true. That was because she was piously brought up, and + regarded herself as an instrument. If a statesman remembers that he is + only an instrument, and feels quite sure that he is rightly interpreting + the divine purpose, he will come out all right, you know. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The Kaiser felt like that. Did he come out all right? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Well, let us be fair, even to the Kaiser. Let us be fair. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Were you fair to him when you won an election on the program of + hanging him? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Stuff! I am the last man alive to hang anybody; but the people + wouldnt listen to reason. Besides, I knew the Dutch wouldnt give him up. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Oh, don't start arguing about poor old Bill. Stick to our point. + Let these two gentlemen settle the question for themselves. Mr Burge: do + you think Mr Lubin is fit to govern England? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. No. Frankly, I dont. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>remonstrant</i>] Really! + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Why? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Because he has no conscience: thats why. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>shocked and amazed</i>] Oh! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Mr Lubin: do you consider Joyce Burge qualified to govern + England? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>with dignified emotion, wounded, but without bitterness</i>] + Excuse me, Mr Barnabas; but before I answer that question I want to say + this. Burge: we have had differences of opinion; and your newspaper + friends have said hard things of me. But we worked together for years; and + I hope I have done nothing to justify you in the amazing accusation you + have just brought against me. Do you realize that you said that I have no + conscience? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Lubin: I am very accessible to an appeal to my emotions; and you + are very cunning in making such appeals. I will meet you to this extent. I + dont mean that you are a bad man. I dont mean that I dislike you, in spite + of your continual attempts to discourage and depress me. But you have a + mind like a looking-glass. You are very clear and smooth and lucid as to + what is standing in front of you. But you have no foresight and no + hindsight. You have no vision and no memory. You have no continuity; and a + man without continuity can have neither conscience nor honor from one day + to another. The result is that you have always been a damned bad minister; + and you have sometimes been a damned bad friend. Now you can answer + Barnabas's question and take it out of me to your heart's content. He + asked you was I fit to govern England. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>recovering himself</i>] After what has just passed I sincerely + wish I could honestly say yes, Burge. But it seems to me that you have + condemned yourself out of your own mouth. You represent something which + has had far too much influence and popularity in this country since Joseph + Chamberlain set the fashion; and that is mere energy without intellect and + without knowledge. Your mind is not a trained mind: it has not been stored + with the best information, nor cultivated by intercourse with educated + minds at any of our great seats of learning. As I happen to have enjoyed + that advantage, it follows that you do not understand my mind. Candidly, I + think that disqualifies you. The peace found out your weaknesses. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Oh! What did it find out in you? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. You and your newspaper confederates took the peace out of my hands. + The peace did not find me out because it did not find me in. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Come! Confess, both of you! You were only flies on the wheel. + The war went England's way; but the peace went its own way, and not + England's way nor any of the ways you had so glibly appointed for it. Your + peace treaty was a scrap of paper before the ink dried on it. The + statesmen of Europe were incapable of governing Europe. What they needed + was a couple of hundred years training and experience: what they had + actually had was a few years at the bar or in a counting-house or on the + grouse moors and golf courses. And now we are waiting, with monster + cannons trained on every city and seaport, and huge aeroplanes ready to + spring into the air and drop bombs every one of which will obliterate a + whole street, and poison gases that will strike multitudes dead with a + breath, until one of you gentlemen rises in his helplessness to tell us, + who are as helpless as himself, that we are at war again. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Aha! What consolation will it be for us then that you two are able + to tell off one another's defects so cleverly in your afternoon chat? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>angrily</i>] If you come to that, what consolation will it be + that you two can sit there and tell both of us off? you, who have had no + responsibility! you, who havnt lifted a finger, as far as I know, to help + us through this awful crisis which has left me ten years older than my + proper age! Can you tell me a single thing you did to help us during the + whole infernal business? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. We're not blaming you: you hadnt lived long enough. No more had + we. Cant you see that three-score-and-ten, though it may be long enough + for a very crude sort of village life, isnt long enough for a complicated + civilization like ours? Flinders Petrie has counted nine attempts at + civilization made by people exactly like us; and every one of them failed + just as ours is failing. They failed because the citizens and statesmen + died of old age or over-eating before they had grown out of schoolboy + games and savage sports and cigars and champagne. The signs of the end are + always the same: Democracy, Socialism, and Votes for Women. We shall go to + smash within the lifetime of men now living unless we recognize that we + must live longer. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I am glad you agree with me that Socialism and Votes for Women are + signs of decay. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Not at all: they are only the difficulties that overtax your + capacity. If you cannot organize Socialism you cannot organize civilized + life; and you will relapse into barbarism accordingly. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Hear, hear! + </p> + <p> + SURGE. A useful point. We cannot put back the clock. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. <i>I</i> can. Ive often done it. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Tut tut! My dear Burge: what are you dreaming of? Mr Barnabas: I am + a very patient man. But will you tell me what earthly use or interest + there is in a conclusion that cannot be realized? I grant you that if we + could live three hundred years we should all be, perhaps wiser, certainly + older. You will grant me in return, I hope, that if the sky fell we should + all catch larks. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Your turn now, Conrad. Go ahead. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I don't think it's any good. I don't think they want to live + longer than usual. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Although I am a mere child of 69, I am old enough to have lost, the + habit of crying for the moon. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Have you discovered the elixir of life or have you not? If not, I + agree with Lubin that you are wasting our time. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Is your time of any value? + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>unable to believe his ears</i>] My time of any value! What do + you mean? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>smiling comfortably</i>] From your high scientific point of + view, I daresay, none whatever, Professor. In any case I think a little + perfectly idle discussion would do Burge good. After all, we might as well + hear about the elixir of life as read novels, or whatever Burge does when + he is not playing golf on Walton Heath. What is your elixir, Dr Barnabas? + Lemons? Sour milk? Or what is the latest? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. We were just beginning to talk seriously; and now you snatch at the + chance of talking rot. [<i>He rises</i>]. Good evening. [<i>He turns to + the door</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>rudely</i>] Die as soon as you like. Good evening. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>hesitating</i>] Look here. I took sour milk twice a day until + Metchnikoff died. He thought it would keep him alive for ever; and he died + of it. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You might as well have taken sour beer. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. You believe in lemons? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I wouldn't eat a lemon for ten pounds. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>sitting down again</i>] What do you recommend? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>rising with a gesture of despair</i>] Whats the use of going + on, Frank? Because I am a doctor, and because they think I have a bottle + to give them that will make them live for ever, they are listening to me + for the first time with their mouths open and their eyes shut. Thats their + notion of science. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Steady, Nunk! Hold the fort. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>growls and sits down</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. You volunteered the consultation, Doctor. I may tell you that, far + from sharing the credulity as to science which is now the fashion, I am + prepared to demonstrate that during the last fifty years, though the + Church has often been wrong, and even the Liberal Party has not been + infallible, the men of science have always been wrong. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Yes: the fellows you call men of science. The people who make + money by it, and their medical hangers-on. But has anybody been right? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. The poets and story tellers, especially the classical poets and + story tellers, have been, in the main, right. I will ask you not to repeat + this as my opinion outside; for the vote of the medical profession and its + worshippers is not to be trifled with. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. You are quite right: the poem is our real clue to biological + science. The most scientific document we possess at present is, as your + grandmother would have told you quite truly, the story of the Garden of + Eden. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>pricking up his ears</i>] Whats that? If you can establish that, + Barnabas, I am prepared to hear you out with my very best attention. I am + listening. Go on. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Well, you remember, don't you, that in the Garden of Eden Adam + and Eve were not created mortal, and that natural death, as we call it, + was not a part of life, but a later and quite separate invention? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Now you mention it, thats true. Death came afterwards. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. What about accidental death? That was always possible. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Precisely. Adam and Eve were hung up between two frightful + possibilities. One was the extinction of mankind by their accidental + death. The other was the prospect of living for ever. They could bear + neither. They decided that they would just take a short turn of a thousand + years, and meanwhile hand on their work to a new pair. Consequently, they + had to invent natural birth and natural death, which are, after all, only + modes of perpetuating life without putting on any single creature the + terrible burden of immortality. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I see. The old must make room for the new. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Death is nothing but making room. Thats all there is in it or ever + has been in it. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes; but the old must not desert their posts until the new are + ripe for them. They desert them now two hundred years too soon. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. I believe the old people are the new people reincarnated, Nunk. I + suspect I am Eve. I am very fond of apples; and they always disagree with + me. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. You are Eve, in a sense. The Eternal Life persists; only It wears + out Its bodies and minds and gets new ones, like new clothes. You are only + a new hat and frock on Eve. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Yes. Bodies and minds ever better and better fitted to carry out + Its eternal pursuit. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>with quiet scepticism</i>] What pursuit, may one ask, Mr + Barnabas? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The pursuit of omnipotence and omniscience. Greater power and + greater knowledge: these are what we are all pursuing even at the risk of + our lives and the sacrifice of our pleasures. Evolution is that pursuit + and nothing else. It is the path to godhead. A man differs from a microbe + only in being further on the path. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. And how soon do you expect this modest end to be reached? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Never, thank God! As there is no limit to power and knowledge + there can be no end. 'The power and the glory, world without end': have + those words meant nothing to you? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>pulling out an old envelope</i>] I should like to make a note of + that. [<i>He does so</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. There will always be something to live for. + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>pocketing his envelope and becoming more and more businesslike</i>] + Right: I have got that. Now what about sin? What about the Fall? How do + you work them in? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I don't work in the Fall. The Fall is outside Science. But I + daresay Frank can work it in for you. + </p> + <p> + SURGE [<i>to Franklyn</i>] I wish you would, you know. It's important. + Very important. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Well, consider it this way. It is clear that when Adam and Eve + were immortal it was necessary that they should make the earth an + extremely comfortable place to live in. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. True. If you take a house on a ninety-nine years lease, you spend a + good deal of money on it. If you take it for three months you generally + have a bill for dilapidations to pay at the end of them. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Just so. Consequently, when Adam had the Garden of Eden on a + lease for ever, he took care to make it what the house agents call a + highly desirable country residence. But the moment he invented death, and + became a tenant for life only, the place was no longer worth the trouble. + It was then that he let the thistles grow. Life was so short that it was + no longer worth his while to do anything thoroughly well. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Do you think that is enough to constitute what an average elector + would consider a Fall? Is it tragic enough? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. That is only the first step of the Fall. Adam did not fall down + that step only: he fell down a whole flight. For instance, before he + invented birth he dared not have lost his temper; for if he had killed Eve + he would have been lonely and barren to all eternity. But when he invented + birth, and anyone who was killed could be replaced, he could afford to let + himself go. He undoubtedly invented wife-beating; and that was another + step down. One of his sons invented meat-eating. The other was horrified + at the innovation. With the ferocity which is still characteristic of + bulls and other vegetarians, he slew his beefsteak-eating brother, and + thus invented murder. That was a very steep step. It was so exciting that + all the others began to kill one another for sport, and thus invented war, + the steepest step of all. They even took to killing animals as a means of + killing time, and then, of course, ate them to save the long and difficult + labor of agriculture. I ask you to contemplate our fathers as they came + crashing down all the steps of this Jacob's ladder that reached from + paradise to a hell on earth in which they had multiplied the chances of + death from violence, accident, and disease until they could hardly count + on three score and ten years of life, much less the thousand that Adam had + been ready to face! With that picture before you, will you now ask me + where was the Fall? You might as well stand at the foot of Snowdon and ask + me where is the mountain. The very children see it so plainly that they + compress its history into a two line epic: + </p> +<div style="margin-left: 10%;"> + <i>Old Daddy Long Legs wouldn't say his prayers:<br /> + Take him by the hind legs and throw him downstairs.</i> +</div> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>still immovably sceptical</i>] And what does Science say to this + fairy tale, Doctor Barnabas? Surely Science knows nothing of Genesis, or + of Adam and Eve. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Then it isnt Science: thats all. Science has to account for + everything; and everything includes the Bible. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The Book of Genesis is a part of nature like any other part of + nature. The fact that the tale of the Garden of Eden has survived and held + the imagination of men spellbound for centuries, whilst hundreds of much + more plausible and amusing stories have gone out of fashion and perished + like last year's popular song, is a scientific fact; and Science is bound + to explain it. You tell me that Science knows nothing of it. Then Science + is more ignorant than the children at any village school. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Of course if you think it more scientific to say that what we are + discussing is not Adam and Eve and Eden, but the phylogeny of the + blastoderm— + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. You neednt swear, Nunk. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Shut up, you: I am not swearing. [<i>To Lubin</i>] If you want the + professional humbug of rewriting the Bible in words of four syllables, and + pretending it's something new, I can humbug you to your heart's content. I + can call Genesis Phylogenesis. Let the Creator say, if you like, 'I will + establish an antipathetic symbiosis between thee and the female, and + between thy blastoderm and her blastoderm.' Nobody will understand you; + and Savvy will think you are swearing. The meaning is the same. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Priceless. But it's quite simple. The one version is poetry: the + other is science. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The one is classroom jargon: the other is inspired human + language. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>calmly reminiscent</i>] One of the few modern authors into whom + I have occasionally glanced is Rousseau, who was a sort of Deist like + Burge— + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>interrupting him forcibly</i>] Lubin: has this stupendously + important communication which Professor Barnabas has just made to us: a + communication for which I shall be indebted to him all my life long: has + this, I say, no deeper effect on you than to set you pulling my leg by + trying to make out that I am an infidel? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. It's very interesting and amusing, Burge; and I think I see a case + in it. I think I could undertake to argue it in an ecclesiastical court. + But important is hardly a word I should attach to it. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Good God! Here is this professor: a man utterly removed from the + turmoil of our political life: devoted to pure learning in its most + abstract phases; and I solemnly declare he is the greatest politician, the + most inspired party leader, in the kingdom. I take off my hat to him. I, + Joyce Burge, give him best. And you sit there purring like an Angora cat, + and can see nothing in it! + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>opening his eyes widely</i>] Hallo! What have I done to deserve + this tribute? + </p> + <p> + SURGE. Done! You have put the Liberal Party into power for the next thirty + years, Doctor: thats what you've done. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. God forbid! + </p> + <p> + BURGE. It's all up with the Church now. Thanks to you, we go to the + country with one cry and one only. Back to the Bible! Think of the effect + on the Nonconformist vote. You gather that in with one hand; and you + gather in the modern scientific sceptical professional vote with the + other. The village atheist and the first cornet in the local Salvation + Army band meet on the village green and shake hands. You take your school + children, your Bible class under the Cowper-Temple clause, into the + museum. You shew the kids the Piltdown skull; and you say, 'Thats Adam. + Thats Eve's husband.' You take the spectacled science student from the + laboratory in Owens College; and when he asks you for a truly scientific + history of Evolution, you put into his hand The Pilgrim's Progress. You—[<i>Savvy + and Haslam explode into shrieks of merriment</i>]. What are you two + laughing at? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Oh, go on, Mr Burge. Dont stop. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Priceless! + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Would thirty years of office for the Liberal Party seem so + important to you, Mr Burge, if you had another two and a half centuries to + live? + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>decisively</i>] No. You will have to drop that part of it. The + constituencies wont swallow it. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>seriously</i>] I am not so sure of that, Burge. I am not sure + that it may not prove the only point they will swallow. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. It will be no use to us even if they do. It's not a party point. + It's as good for the other side as for us. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Not necessarily. If we get in first with it, it will be associated + in the public mind with our party. Suppose I put it forward as a plank in + our program that we advocate the extension of human life to three hundred + years! Dunreen, as leader of the opposite party, will be bound to oppose + me: to denounce me as a visionary and so forth. By doing so he will place + himself in the position of wanting to rob the people of two hundred and + thirty years of their natural life. The Unionists will become the party of + Premature Death; and we shall become the Longevity party. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>shaken</i>] You really think the electorate would swallow it? + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. My dear Burge: is there anything the electorate will not swallow if + it is judiciously put to them? But we must make sure of our ground. We + must have the support of the men of science. Is there serious agreement + among them, Doctor, as to the possibility of such an evolution as you have + described? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Yes. Ever since the reaction against Darwin set in at the + beginning of the present century, all scientific opinion worth counting + has been converging rapidly upon Creative Evolution. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Poetry has been converging on it: philosophy has been converging + on it: religion has been converging on it. It is going to be the religion + of the twentieth century: a religion that has its intellectual roots in + philosophy and science just as medieval Christianity had its intellectual + roots in Aristotle. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. But surely any change would be so extremely gradual that— + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Dont deceive yourself. It's only the politicians who improve the + world so gradually that nobody can see the improvement. The notion that + Nature does not proceed by jumps is only one of the budget of plausible + lies that we call classical education. Nature always proceeds by jumps. + She may spend twenty thousand years making up her mind to jump; but when + she makes it up at last, the jump is big enough to take us into a new age. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>impressed</i>] Fancy my being leader of the party for the next + three hundred years! + </p> + <p> + BURGE. What!! + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Perhaps hard on some of the younger men. I think in fairness I + shall have to step aside to make room after another century or so: that + is, if Mimi can be persuaded to give up Downing Street. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. This is too much. Your colossal conceit blinds you to the most + obvious necessity of the political situation. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. You mean my retirement. I really cannot see that it is a necessity. + I could not see it when I was almost an old man—or at least an + elderly one. Now that it appears that I am a young man, the case for it + breaks down completely. [<i>To Conrad</i>] May I ask are there any + alternative theories? Is there a scientific Opposition? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, some authorities hold that the human race is a failure, and + that a new form of life, better adapted to high civilization, will + supersede us as we have superseded the ape and the elephant. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. The superman: eh! + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No. Some being quite different from us. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Is that altogether desirable? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. I fear so. However that may be, we may be quite sure of one + thing. We shall not be let alone. The force behind evolution, call it what + you will, is determined to solve the problem of civilization; and if it + cannot do it through us, it will produce some more capable agents. Man is + not God's last word: God can still create. If you cannot do His work He + will produce some being who can. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>with zealous reverence</i>] What do we know about Him, Barnabas? + What does anyone know about Him? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. We know this about Him with absolute certainty. The power my + brother calls God proceeds by the method of Trial and Error; and if we + turn out to be one of the errors, we shall go the way of the mastodon and + the megatherium and all the other scrapped experiments. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>rising and beginning to walk up and down the room with his + considering cap on</i>] I admit that I am impressed, gentlemen. I will go + so far as to say that your theory is likely to prove more interesting than + ever Welsh Disestablishment was. But as a practical politician—hm! + Eh, Burge? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. We are not practical politicians. We are out to get something + done. Practical politicians are people who have mastered the art of using + parliament to prevent anything being done. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. When we get matured statesmen and citizens— + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>stopping short</i>] Citizens! Oh! Are the citizens to live three + hundred years as well as the statesmen? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Of course. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I confess that had not occurred to me [<i>he sits down abruptly, + evidently very unfavorably affected by this new light</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Savvy and Haslam look at one another with unspeakable feelings.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Do you think it would be wise to go quite so far at first? Surely + it would be more prudent to begin with the best men. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. You need not be anxious about that. It will begin with the best + men. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. I am glad to hear you say so. You see, we must put this into a + practical parliamentary shape. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. We shall have to draft a Bill: that is the long and the short of + it. Until you have your Bill drafted you don't know what you are really + doing: that is my experience. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Quite so. My idea is that whilst we should interest the electorate + in this as a sort of religious aspiration and personal hope, using it at + the same time to remove their prejudices against those of us who are + getting on in years, it would be in the last degree upsetting and even + dangerous to enable everyone to live longer than usual. Take the mere + question of the manufacture of the specific, whatever it may be! There are + forty millions of people in the country. Let me assume for the sake of + illustration that each person would have to consume, say, five ounces a + day of the elixir. That would be—let me see—five times three + hundred and sixty-five is—um—twenty-five—thirty-two—eighteen—eighteen + hundred and twenty-five ounces a year: just two ounces over the + hundredweight. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Two million tons a year, in round numbers, of stuff that everyone + would clamor for: that men would trample down women and children in the + streets to get at. You couldnt produce it. There would be blue murder. + It's out of the question. We must keep the actual secret to ourselves. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>staring at them</i>] The actual secret! What on earth is the + man talking about? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. The stuff. The powder. The bottle. The tabloid. Whatever it is. You + said it wasnt lemons. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. My good sir: I have no powder, no bottle, no tabloid. I am not a + quack: I am a biologist. This is a thing thats going to happen. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>completely let down</i>] Going to happen! Oh! Is that all? [<i>He + looks at his watch</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Going to happen! What do you mean? Do you mean that you cant make + it happen? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. No more than I could have made you happen. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. We can put it into men's heads that there is nothing to prevent + its happening but their own will to die before their work is done, and + their own ignorance of the splendid work there is for them to do. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Spread that knowledge and that conviction; and as surely as the + sun will rise tomorrow, the thing will happen. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. We don't know where or when or to whom it will happen. It may + happen first to someone in this room. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. It wont happen to me: thats jolly sure. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. It might happen to anyone. It might happen to the parlor maid. How + do we know? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. The parlor maid! Oh, thats nonsense, Nunk. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>once more quite comfortable</i>] I think Miss Savvy has + delivered the final verdict. + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Do you mean to say that you have nothing more practical to offer + than the mere wish to live longer? Why, if people could live by merely + wishing to, we should all be living for ever already! Everybody would like + to live for ever. Why don't they? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Pshaw! Everybody would like to have a million of money. Why havnt + they? Because the men who would like to be millionaires wont save sixpence + even with the chance of starvation staring them in the face. The men who + want to live for ever wont cut off a glass of beer or a pipe of tobacco, + though they believe the teetotallers and non-smokers live longer. That + sort of liking is not willing. See what they do when they know they must. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Do not mistake mere idle fancies for the tremendous + miracle-working force of Will nerved to creation by a conviction of + Necessity. I tell you men capable of such willing, and realizing its + necessity, will do it reluctantly, under inner compulsion, as all great + efforts are made. They will hide what they are doing from themselves: they + will take care not to know what they are doing. They will live three + hundred years, not because they would like to, but because the soul deep + down in them will know that they must, if the world is to be saved. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>turning to Franklyn and patting him almost paternally</i>] Well, + my dear Barnabas, for the last thirty years the post has brought me at + least once a week a plan from some crank or other for the establishment of + the millennium. I think you are the maddest of all the cranks; but you are + much the most interesting. I am conscious of a very curious mixture of + relief and disappointment in finding that your plan is all moonshine, and + that you have nothing practical to offer us. But what a pity! It is such a + fascinating idea! I think you are too hard on us practical men; but there + are men in every Government, even on the Front Bench, who deserve all you + say. And now, before dropping the subject, may I put just one question to + you? An idle question, since nothing can come of it; but still— + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Ask your question. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Why do you fix three hundred years as the exact figure? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Because we must fix some figure. Less would not be enough; and + more would be more than we dare as yet face. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. Pooh! I am quite prepared to face three thousand, not to say three + million. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Yes, because you don't believe you Will be called on to make good + your word. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>gently</i>] Also, perhaps, because you have never been + troubled much by vision of the future. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>with intense conviction</i>] The future does not exist for Henry + Hopkins Lubin. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. If by the future you mean the millennial delusions which you use as + a bunch of carrots to lure the uneducated British donkey to the polling + booth to vote for you, it certainly does not. + </p> + <p> + SURGE. I can see the future not only because, if I may say so in all + humility, I have been gifted with a certain power of spiritual vision, but + because I have practised as a solicitor. A solicitor has to advise + families. He has to think of the future and know the past. His office is + the real modern confessional. Among other things he has to make people's + wills for them. He has to shew them how to provide for their daughters + after their deaths. Has it occurred to you, Lubin, that if you live three + hundred years, your daughters will have to wait a devilish long time for + their money? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. The money may not wait for them. Few investments flourish for + three hundred years. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. And what about before your death? Suppose they didn't get married! + Imagine a girl living at home with her mother and on her father for three + hundred years! Theyd murder her if she didn't murder them first. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN. By the way, Barnabas, is your daughter to keep her good looks all + the time? + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Will it matter? Can you conceive the most hardened flirt going + on flirting for three centuries? At the end of half the time we shall + hardly notice whether it is a woman or a man we are speaking to. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>not quite relishing this ascetic prospect</i>] Hm! [<i>He rises</i>]. + Ah, well: you must come and tell my wife and my young people all about it; + and you will bring your daughter with you, of course. [<i>He shakes hands + with Savvy</i>]. Goodbye. [<i>He shakes hands with Franklyn</i>]. Goodbye, + Doctor. [<i>He shakes hands with Conrad</i>]. Come on, Burge: you must + really tell me what line you are going to take about the Church at the + election? + </p> + <p> + BURGE. Havnt you heard? Havnt you taken in the revelation that has been + vouchsafed to us? The line I am going to take is Back to Methuselah. + </p> + <p> + LUBIN [<i>decisively</i>] Dont be ridiculous, Burge. You don't suppose, do + you, that our friends here are in earnest, or that our very pleasant + conversation has had anything to do with practical politics! They have + just been pulling our legs very wittily. Come along. [<i>He goes out, + Franklyn politely going with him, but shaking his head in mute protest</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE [<i>shaking Conrad's hand</i>] It's beyond the old man, Doctor. No + spiritual side to him: only a sort of classical side that goes down with + his own set. Besides, he's done, gone, past, burnt out, burst up; thinks + he is our leader and is only our rag and bottle department. But you may + depend on me. I will work this stunt of yours in. I see its value. [<i>He + begins moving towards the door with Conrad</i>]. Of course I cant put it + exactly in your way; but you are quite right about our needing something + fresh; and I believe an election can be fought on the death rate and on + Adam and Eve as scientific facts. It will take the Opposition right out of + its depth. And if we win there will be an O.M. for somebody when the first + honors list comes round [<i>by this time he has talked himself out of the + room and out of earshot, Conrad accompanying him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Savvy and Haslam, left alone, seize each other in an ecstasy of + amusement, and jazz to the settee, where they sit down again side by side.</i> + </p> + <p> + HASLAM [<i>caressing her</i>] Darling! what a priceless humbug old Lubin + is! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Oh, sweet old thing! I love him. Burge is a flaming fraud if you + like. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Did you notice one thing? It struck me as rather curious. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. What? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Lubin and your father have both survived the war. But their sons + were killed in it. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY [<i>sobered</i>] Yes. Jim's death killed mother. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. And they never said a word about it! + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Well, why should they? The subject didn't come up. <i>I</i> forgot + about it too; and I was very fond of Jim. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. <i>I</i> didn't forget it, because I'm of military age; and if I + hadnt been a parson I'd have had to go out and be killed too. To me the + awful thing about their political incompetence was that they had to kill + their own sons. It was the war casualty lists and the starvation + afterwards that finished me up with politics and the Church and everything + else except you. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Oh, I was just as bad as any of them. I sold flags in the streets + in my best clothes; and—hsh! [<i>she jumps up and pretends to be + looking for a book on the shelves behind the settee</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Franklyn and Conrad return, looking weary and glum.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. Well, thats how the gospel of the brothers Barnabas is going to be + received! [<i>He drops into Burge's chair</i>]. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN [<i>going back to his seat at the table</i>] It's no use. Were + you convinced, Mr Haslam? + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. About our being able to live three hundred years? Frankly no. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>to Savvy</i>] Nor you, I suppose? + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Oh, I don't know. I thought I was for a moment. I can believe, in a + sort of way, that people might live for three hundred years. But when you + came down to tin tacks, and said that the parlor maid might, then I saw + how absurd it was. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. Just so. We had better hold our tongues about it, Con. We should + only be laughed at, and lose the little credit we earned on false + pretences in the days of our ignorance. + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. I daresay. But Creative Evolution doesnt stop while people are + laughing. Laughing may even lubricate its job. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. What does that mean? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD. It means that the first man to live three hundred years maynt have + the slightest notion that he is going to do it, and may be the loudest + laugher of the lot. + </p> + <p> + SAVVY. Or the first woman? + </p> + <p> + CONRAD [<i>assenting</i>] Or the first woman. + </p> + <p> + HASLAM. Well, it wont be one of us, anyhow. + </p> + <p> + FRANKLYN. How do you know? + </p> + <p> + <i>This is unanswerable. None of them have anything more to say.</i> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART3" id="link2H_PART3"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART III—The Thing Happens + </h2> + <p> + <i>A summer afternoon in the year 2170 A.D. The official parlor of the + President of the British Islands. A board table, long enough for three + chairs at each side besides the presidential chair at the head and an + ordinary chair at the foot, occupies the breadth of the room. On the + table, opposite every chair, a small switchboard with a dial. There is no + fireplace. The end wall is a silvery screen nearly as large as a pair of + folding doors. The door is on your left as you face the screen; and there + is a row of thick pegs, padded and covered with velvet, beside it. </i> + </p> + <p> + A stoutish middle-aged man, good-looking and breezily genial, dressed in a + silk smock, stockings, handsomely ornamented sandals, and a gold fillet + round his brows, comes in. He is like Joyce Burge, yet also like Lubin, as + if Nature had made a composite photograph of the two men. He takes off the + fillet and hangs it on a peg; then sits down in the presidential chair at + the head of the table, which is at the end farthest from the door. He puts + a peg into his switchboard; turns the pointer on the dial; puts another + peg in; and presses a button. Immediately the silvery screen vanishes; and + in its place appears, in reverse from right to left, another office + similarly furnished, with a thin, unamiable man similarly dressed, but in + duller colors, turning over some documents at the table. His gold fillet + is hanging up on a similar peg beside the door. He is rather like Conrad + Barnabas, but younger, and much more commonplace. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Hallo, Barnabas! + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>without looking round</i>] What number? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Five double x three two gamma. Burge-Lubin. + </p> + <p> + <i>Barnabas puts a plug in number five; turns his pointer to double x; and + another plug in 32; presses a button and looks round at Burge-Lubin, who + is now visible to him as well as audible.</i> + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>curtly</i>] Oh! That you, President? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes. They told me you wanted me to ring you up. Anything + wrong? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>harsh and querulous</i>] I wish to make a protest. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>good-humored and mocking</i>] What! Another protest! Whats + wrong now? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. If you only knew all the protests I havnt made, you would be + surprised at my patience. It is you who are always treating me with the + grossest want of consideration. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What have I done now? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. You have put me down to go to the Record Office today to receive + that American fellow, and do the honors of a ridiculous cinema show. That + is not the business of the Accountant General: it is the business of the + President. It is an outrageous waste of my time, and an unjustifiable + shirking of your duty at my expense. I refuse to go. You must go. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. My dear boy, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to + take the job off your hands— + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Then do it. Thats all I want [<i>he is about to switch off</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Dont switch off. Listen. This American has invented a method + of breathing under water. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. What do I care? I don't want to breathe under water. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You may, my dear Barnabas, at any time. You know you never + look where you are going when you are immersed in your calculations. Some + day you will walk into the Serpentine. This man's invention may save your + life. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>angrily</i>] Will you tell me what that has to do with your + putting your ceremonial duties on to my shoulders? I will not be trifled [<i>he + vanishes and is replaced by the blank screen</i>]— + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>indignantly holding down his button</i>] Dont cut us off, + please: we have not finished. I am the President, speaking to the + Accountant General. What are you dreaming of? + </p> + <p> + A WOMAN'S VOICE. Sorry. [<i>The screen shews Barnabas as before</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Since you take it that way, I will go in your place. It's a + pity, because, you see, this American thinks you are the greatest living + authority on the duration of human life; and— + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>interrupting</i>] The American thinks! What do you mean? I am + the greatest living authority on the duration of human life. Who dares + dispute it? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Nobody, dear lad, nobody. Dont fly out at me. It is evident + that you have not read the American's book. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Dont tell me that you have, or that you have read any book + except a novel for the last twenty years; for I wont believe you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Quite right, dear old fellow: I havnt read it. But I have + read what The Times Literary Supplement says about it. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I don't care two straws what it says about it. Does it say + anything about me? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Oh, does it? What? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. It points out that an extraordinary number of first-rate + persons like you and me have died by drowning during the last two + centuries, and that when this invention of breathing under water takes + effect, your estimate of the average duration of human life will be upset. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>alarmed</i>] Upset my estimate! Gracious Heavens! Does the + fool realize what that means? Do you realize what that means? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I suppose it means that we shall have to amend the Act. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Amend my Act! Monstrous! + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But we must. We cant ask people to go on working until they + are forty-three unless our figures are unchallengeable. You know what a + row there was over those last three years, and how nearly the + too-old-at-forty people won. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. They would have made the British Islands bankrupt if theyd won. + But you dont care for that; you care for nothing but being popular. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, well: I shouldn't worry if I were you; for most people + complain that there is not enough work for them, and would be only too + glad to stick on instead of retiring at forty-three, if only they were + asked as a favor instead of having to. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Thank you: I need no consolation. [<i>He rises determinedly and + puts on his fillet</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Are you off? Where are you going to? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. To that cinema tomfoolery, of course. I shall put this American + impostor in his place. [<i>He goes out</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>calling after him</i>] God bless you, dear old chap! [<i>With + a chuckle, he switches off; and the screen becomes blank. He presses a + button and holds it down while he calls</i>] Hallo! + </p> + <p> + A WOMAN'S VOICE. Hallo! + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>formally</i>] The President respectfully solicits the + privilege of an interview with the Chief Secretary, and holds himself + entirely at his honor's august disposal. + </p> + <p> + A CHINESE VOICE. He is coming. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh! That you, Confucius? So good of you. Come along [<i>he + releases the button</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>A man in a yellow gown, presenting the general appearance of a Chinese + sage, enters.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>jocularly</i>] Well, illustrious Sage-&-Onions, how + are your poor sore feet? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>gravely</i>] I thank you for your kind inquiries. I am well. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Thats right. Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Any + business for me today? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>sitting down on the first chair round the corner of the + table to the President's right</i>] None. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Have you heard the result of the bye-election? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. A walk-over. Only one candidate. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Any good? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. He was released from the County Lunatic Asylum a fortnight ago. + Not mad enough for the lethal chamber: not sane enough for any place but + the division lobby. A very popular speaker. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I wish the people would take a serious interest in politics. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I do not agree. The Englishman is not fitted by nature to + understand politics. Ever since the public services have been manned by + Chinese, the country has been well and honestly governed. What more is + needed? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What I cant make out is that China is one of the worst + governed countries on earth. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. No. It was badly governed twenty years ago; but since we + forbade any Chinaman to take part in our public services, and imported + natives of Scotland for that purpose, we have done well. Your information + here is always twenty years out of date. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. People don't seem to be able to govern themselves. I cant + understand it. Why should it be so? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Justice is impartiality. Only strangers are impartial. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. It ends in the public services being so good that the + Government has nothing to do but think. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Were it otherwise, the Government would have too much to do to + think. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Is that any excuse for the English people electing a + parliament of lunatics? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The English people always did elect parliaments of lunatics. + What does it matter if your permanent officials are honest and competent? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You do not know the history of this country. What would my + ancestors have said to the menagerie of degenerates that is still called + the House of Commons? Confucius: you will not believe me; and I do not + blame you for it; but England once saved the liberties of the world by + inventing parliamentary government, which was her peculiar and supreme + glory. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I know the history of your country perfectly well. It proves + the exact contrary. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. How do you make that out? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The only power your parliament ever had was the power of + withholding supplies from the king. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Precisely. That great Englishman Simon de Montfort— + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. He was not an Englishman: he was a Frenchman. He imported + parliaments from France. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>surprised</i>] You dont say so! + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The king and his loyal subjects killed Simon for forcing his + French parliament on them. The first thing British parliaments always did + was to grant supplies to the king for life with enthusiastic expressions + of loyalty, lest they should have any real power, and be expected to do + something. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Look here, Confucius: you know more history than I do, of + course; but democracy— + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. An institution peculiar to China. And it was never really a + success there. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But the Habeas Corpus Act! + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The English always suspended it when it threatened to be of the + slightest use. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, trial by jury: you cant deny that we established that? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. All cases that were dangerous to the governing classes were + tried in the Star Chamber or by Court Martial, except when the prisoner + was not tried at all, but executed after calling him names enough to make + him unpopular. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, bother! You may be right in these little details; but in + the large we have managed to hold our own as a great race. Well, people + who could do nothing couldnt have done that, you know. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I did not say you could do nothing. You could fight. You could + eat. You could drink. Until the twentieth century you could produce + children. You could play games. You could work when you were forced to. + But you could not govern yourselves. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Then how did we get our reputation as the pioneers of + liberty? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. By your steadfast refusal to be governed at all. A horse that + kicks everyone who tries to harness and guide him may be a pioneer of + liberty; but he is not a pioneer of government. In China he would be shot. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Stuff! Do you imply that the administration of which I am + president is no Government? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I do. <i>I</i> am the Government. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You! You!! You fat yellow lump of conceit! + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Only an Englishman could be so ignorant of the nature of + government as to suppose that a capable statesman cannot be fat, yellow, + and conceited. Many Englishmen are slim, red-nosed, and modest. Put them + in my place, and within a year you will be back in the anarchy and chaos + of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, if you go back to the dark ages, I have nothing more to + say. But we did not perish. We extricated ourselves from that chaos. We + are now the best governed country in the world. How did we manage that if + we are such fools as you pretend? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. You did not do it until the slaughter and ruin produced by your + anarchy forced you at last to recognize two inexorable facts. First, that + government is absolutely necessary to civilization, and that you could not + maintain civilization by merely doing down your neighbor, as you called + it, and cutting off the head of your king whenever he happened to be a + logical Scot and tried to take his position seriously. Second, that + government is an art of which you are congenitally incapable. Accordingly, + you imported educated negresses and Chinese to govern you. Since then you + have done very well. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. So have you, you old humbug. All the same, I don't know how + you stand the work you do. You seem to me positively to like public + business. Why wont you let me take you down to the coast some week-end and + teach you marine golf? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It does not interest me. I am not a barbarian. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You mean that I am? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. That is evident. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. How? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. People like you. They like cheerful goodnatured barbarians. + They have elected you President five times in succession. They will elect + you five times more. <i>I</i> like you. You are better company than a dog + or a horse because you can speak. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Am I a barbarian because you like me? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Surely. Nobody likes me: I am held in awe. Capable persons are + never liked. I am not likeable; but I am indispensable. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, cheer up, old man: theres nothing so disagreeable about + you as all that. I don't dislike you; and if you think I'm afraid of you, + you jolly well don't know Burge-Lubin: thats all. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. You are brave: yes. It is a form of stupidity. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You may not be brave: one doesn't expect it from a Chink. But + you have the devil's own cheek. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I have the assured certainty of the man who sees and knows. + Your genial bluster, your cheery self-confidence, are pleasant, like the + open air. But they are blind: they are vain. I seem to see a great dog wag + his tail and bark joyously. But if he leaves my heel he is lost. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Thank you for a handsome compliment. I have a big dog; and he + is the best fellow I know. If you knew how much uglier you are than a + chow, you wouldn't start those comparisons, though. [<i>Rising</i>] Well, + if you have nothing for me to do, I am going to leave your heel for the + rest of the day and enjoy myself. What would you recommend me to do with + myself? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Give yourself up to contemplation; and great thoughts will come + to you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Will they? If you think I am going to sit here on a fine day + like this with my legs crossed waiting for great thoughts, you exaggerate + my taste for them. I prefer marine golf. [<i>Stopping short</i>] Oh, by + the way, I forgot something. I have a word or two to say to the Minister + of health. [<i>He goes back to his chair</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Her number is— + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I know it. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>rising</i>] I cannot understand her attraction for you. For + me a woman who is not yellow does not exist, save as an official. [<i>He + goes out</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Burge-Lubin operates his switchboard as before. The screen vanishes: + and a dainty room with a bed, a wardrobe, and a dressing-table with a + mirror and a switch on it, appears. Seated at it a handsome negress is + trying on a brilliant head scarf. Her dressing-gown is thrown back from + her shoulders to her chair. She is in corset, knickers, and silk + stockings.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>horrified</i>] I beg your pardon a thousand times—[<i>The + startled negress snatches the peg out of her switchboard and vanishes</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS'S VOICE. Who is it? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Me. The President. Burge-Lubin. I had no idea your bedroom + switch was in. I beg your pardon. + </p> + <p> + <i>The negress reappears. She has pulled the dressing-gown perfunctorily + over her shoulders, and continues her experiments with the scarf, not at + all put out, and rather amused by Surge's prudery.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. Stupid of me. I was talking to another lady this morning; and + I left the peg in. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But I am so sorry. + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS [<i>sunnily: still busy with the scarf</i>] Why? It was my + fault. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>embarrassed</i>] Well—er—But I suppose you + were used to it in Africa. + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. Your delicacy is very touching, Mr President. It would be + funny if it were not so unpleasant, because, like all white delicacy, it + is in the wrong place. How do you think this suits my complexion? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. How can any really vivid color go wrong with a black satin + skin? It is our women's wretched pale faces that have to be matched and + lighted. Yours is always right. + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. Yes: it is a pity your white beauties have all the same ashy + faces, the same colorless drab, the same age. But look at their beautiful + noses and little lips! They are physically insipid: they have no beauty: + you cannot love them; but how elegant! + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Cant you find an official pretext for coming to see me? Isnt + it ridiculous that we have never met? It's so tantalizing to see you and + talk to you, and to know all the time that you are two hundred miles away, + and that I cant touch you? + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. I cannot live on the East Coast: it is hard enough to keep my + blood warm here. Besides, my friend, it would not be safe. These distant + flirtations are very charming; and they teach self-control. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Damn self-control! I want to hold you in my arms—to—[<i>the + negress snatches out the peg from the switchboard and vanishes. She is + still heard laughing</i>]. Black devil! [<i>He snatches out his peg + furiously: her laugh is no longer heard</i>]. Oh, these sex episodes! Why + can I not resist them? Disgraceful! + </p> + <p> + <i>Confucius returns.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I forgot. There is something for you to do this morning. You + have to go to the Record Office to receive the American barbarian. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Confucius: once for all, I object to this Chinese habit of + describing white men as barbarians. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>standing formally at the end of the table with his hands + palm to palm</i>] I make a mental note that you do not wish the Americans + to be described as barbarians. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Not at all. The Americans are barbarians. But we are not. I + suppose the particular barbarian you are speaking of is the American who + has invented a means of breathing under water. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. He says he has invented such a method. For some reason which is + not intelligible in China, Englishmen always believe any statement made by + an American inventor, especially one who has never invented anything. + Therefore you believe this person and have given him a public reception. + Today the Record Office is entertaining him with a display of the + cinematographic records of all the eminent Englishmen who have lost their + lives by drowning since the cinema was invented. Why not go to see it if + you are at a loss for something to do? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What earthly interest is there in looking at a moving picture + of a lot of people merely because they were drowned? If they had had any + sense, they would not have been drowned, probably. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. That is not so. It has never been noticed before; but the + Record Office has just made two remarkable discoveries about the public + men and women who have displayed extraordinary ability during the past + century. One is that they retained unusual youthfulness up to an advanced + age. The other is that they all met their death by drowning. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes: I know. Can you explain it? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It cannot be explained. It is not reasonable. Therefore I do + not believe it. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Accountant General rushes in, looking ghastly. He staggers to the + middle of the table.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Whats the matter? Are you ill? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>choking</i>] No. I—[<i>he collapses into the middle + chair</i>]. I must speak to you in private. + </p> + <p> + <i>Confucius calmly withdraws.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What on earth is it? Have some oxygen. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I have had some. Go to the Record Office. You will see men + fainting there again and again, and being revived with oxygen, as I have + been. They have seen with their own eyes as I have. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Seen what? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Seen the Archbishop of York. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, why shouldn't they see the Archbishop of York? What are + they fainting for? Has he been murdered? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. No: he has been drowned. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Good God! Where? When? How? Poor fellow! + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Poor fellow! Poor thief! Poor swindler! Poor robber of his + country's Exchequer! Poor fellow indeed! Wait til I catch him. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. How can you catch him when he is dead? Youre mad. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Dead! Who said he was dead? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You did. Drowned. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>exasperated</i>] Will you listen to me? Was old Archbishop + Haslam, the present man's last predecessor but four, drowned or not? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I don't know. Look him up in the Encyclopedia Britannica. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Yah! Was Archbishop Stickit, who wrote Stickit on the Psalms, + drowned or not? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes, mercifully. He deserved it. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Was President Dickenson drowned? Was General Bullyboy drowned? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Who is denying it? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Well, wave had moving pictures of all four put on the screen + today for this American; and they and the Archbishop are the same man. Now + tell me I am mad. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I do tell you you are mad. Stark raving mad. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Am I to believe my own eyes or am I not? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You can do as you please. All I can tell you is that <i>I</i> + don't believe your eyes if they cant see any difference between a live + archbishop and two dead ones. [<i>The apparatus rings, he holds the button + down</i>]. Yes? + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN'S VOICE. The Archbishop of York, to see the President. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>hoarse with rage</i>] Have him in. I'll talk to the + scoundrel. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>releasing the button</i>] Not while you are in this state. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>reaching furiously for his button and holding it down</i>] + Send the Archbishop in at once. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. If you lose your temper, Barnabas, remember that we shall be + two to one. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Archbishop enters. He has a white band round his throat, set in a + black stock. He wears a sort of kilt of black ribbons, and soft black + boots that button high up on his calves. His costume does not differ + otherwise from that of the President and the Accountant General; but its + color scheme is black and white. He is older than the Reverend Bill Haslam + was when he wooed Miss Savvy Barnabas; but he is recognizably the same + man. He does not look a day over fifty, and is very well preserved even at + that; but his boyishness of manner is quite gone: he now has complete + authority and self-possession: in fact the President is a little afraid of + him; and it seems quite natural and inevitable that he should speak fast.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Good day, Mr President. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Good day, Mr Archbishop. Be seated. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>sitting down between them</i>] Good day, Mr Accountant + General. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>malevolently</i>] Good day to you. I have a question to put + to you, if you don't mind. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>looking curiously at him, jarred by his uncivil tone</i>] + Certainly. What is it? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. What is your definition of a thief? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Rather an old-fashioned word, is it not? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. It survives officially in my department. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Our departments are full of survivals. Look at my tie! my + apron! my boots! They are all mere survivals; yet it seems that without + them I cannot be a proper Archbishop. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Indeed! Well, in my department the word thief survives, because + in the community the thing thief survives. And a very despicable and + dishonorable thing he is, too. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>coolly</i>] I daresay. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. In my department, sir, a thief is a person who lives longer than + the statutory expectation of life entitles him to, and goes on drawing + public money when, if he were an honest man, he would be dead. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Then let me say, sir, that your department does not + understand its own business. If you have miscalculated the duration of + human life, that is not the fault of the persons whose longevity you have + miscalculated. And if they continue to work and produce, they pay their + way, even if they live two or three centuries. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I know nothing about their working and producing. That is not + the business of my department. I am concerned with their expectation of + life; and I say that no man has any right to go on living and drawing + money when he ought to be dead. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. You do not comprehend the relation between income and + production. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I understand my own department. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. That is not enough. Your department is part of a synthesis + which embraces all the departments. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Synthesis! This is an intellectual difficulty. This is a job + for Confucius. I heard him use that very word the other day; and I + wondered what the devil he meant. [<i>Switching on</i>] Hallo! Put me + through to the Chief Secretary. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS'S VOICE. You are speaking to him. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. An intellectual difficulty, old man. Something we don't + understand. Come and help us out. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. May I ask how the question has arisen? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Ah! You begin to smell a rat, do you? You thought yourself + pretty safe. You— + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Steady, Barnabas. Dont be in a hurry. + </p> + <p> + <i>Confucius enters.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>rising</i>] Good morning, Mr Chief Secretary. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>rising in instinctive imitation of the Archbishop</i>] + Honor us by taking a seat, O sage. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Ceremony is needless. [<i>He bows to the company, and takes the + chair at the foot of the table</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The President and the Archbishop resume their seats.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. We wish to put a case to you, Confucius. Suppose a man, + instead of conforming to the official estimate of his expectation of life, + were to live for more than two centuries and a half, would the Accountant + General be justified in calling him a thief? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. No. He would be justified in calling him a liar. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I think not, Mr Chief Secretary. What do you suppose my + age is? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Fifty. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You don't look it. Forty-five; and young for your age. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. My age is two hundred and eighty-three. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>morosely triumphant</i>] Hmp! Mad, am I? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Youre both mad. Excuse me, Archbishop; but this is getting a + bit—well— + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>to Confucius</i>] Mr Chief Secretary: will you, to + oblige me, assume that I have lived nearly three centuries? As a + hypothesis? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What is a hypothesis? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It does not matter. I understand. [To <i>the Archbishop</i>] Am + I to assume that you have lived in your ancestors, or by metempsychosis— + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Met—Emp—Sy—Good Lord! What a brain, + Confucius! What a brain! + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Nothing of that kind. Assume in the ordinary sense that I + was born in the year 1887, and that I have worked continuously in one + profession or another since the year 1910. Am I a thief? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I do not know. Was that one of your professions? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. No. I have been nothing worse than an Archbishop, a + President, and a General. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Has he or has he not robbed the Exchequer by drawing five or six + incomes when he was only entitled to one? Answer me that. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Certainly not. The hypothesis is that he has worked + continuously since 1910. We are now in the year 2170. What is the official + lifetime? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Seventy-eight. Of course it's an average; and we don't mind a + man here and there going on to ninety, or even, as a curiosity, becoming a + centenarian. But I say that a man who goes beyond that is a swindler. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Seventy-eight into two hundred and eighty-three goes more than + three and a half times. Your department owes the Archbishop two and a half + educations and three and a half retiring pensions. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Stuff! How can that be? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. At what age do your people begin to work for the community? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Three. They do certain things every day when they are three. + Just to break them in, you know. But they become self-supporting, or + nearly so, at thirteen. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. And at what age do they retire? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Forty-three. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. That is, they do thirty years' work; and they receive + maintenance and education, without working, for thirteen years of + childhood and thirty-five years of superannuation, forty-eight years in + all, for each thirty years' work. The Archbishop has given you 260 years' + work, and has received only one education and no superannuation. You + therefore owe him over 300 years of leisure and nearly eight educations. + You are thus heavily in his debt. In other words, he has effected an + enormous national economy by living so long; and you, by living only + seventy-eight years, are profiting at his expense. He is the benefactor: + you are the thief. [<i>Half rising</i>] May I now withdraw and return to + my serious business, as my own span is comparatively short? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Dont be in a hurry, old chap. [<i>Confucius sits down again</i>]. + This hypothecary, or whatever you call it, is put up seriously. I don't + believe it; but if the Archbishop and the Accountant General are going to + insist that it's true, we shall have either to lock them up or to see the + thing through. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. It's no use trying these Chinese subtleties on me. I'm a plain + man; and though I don't understand metaphysics, and don't believe in them, + I understand figures; and if the Archbishop is only entitled to + seventy-eight years, and he takes 283, I say he takes more than he is + entitled to. Get over that if you can. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I have not taken 283 years: I have taken 23 and given 260. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Do your accounts shew a deficiency or a surplus? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. A surplus. Thats what I cant make out. Thats the artfulness of + these people. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. That settles it. Whats the use of arguing? The Chink says you + are wrong; and theres an end of it. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I say nothing against the Chink's arguments. But what about my + facts? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. If your facts include a case of a man living 283 years, I + advise you to take a few weeks at the seaside. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Let there be an end of this hinting that I am out of my mind. + Come and look at the cinema record. I tell you this man is Archbishop + Haslam, Archbishop Stickit, President Dickenson, General Bullyboy and + himself into the bargain; all five of them. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I do not deny it. I never have denied it. Nobody has ever + asked me. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But damn it, man—I beg your pardon, Archbishop; but + really, really— + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Dont mention it. What were you going to say? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, you were drowned four times over. You are not a cat, + you know. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. That is very easy to understand. Consider my situation + when I first made the amazing discovery that I was destined to live three + hundred years! I— + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>interrupting him</i>] Pardon me. Such a discovery was + impossible. You have not made it yet. You may live a million years if you + have already lived two hundred. There is no question of three hundred + years. You have made a slip at the very beginning of your fairy tale, Mr + Archbishop. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Good, Confucius! [<i>To the Archbishop</i>] He has you there. + I don't see how you can get over that. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes: it is quite a good point. But if the Accountant + General will go to the British Museum library, and search the catalogue, + he will find under his own name a curious and now forgotten book, dated + 1924, entitled The Gospel of the Brothers Barnabas. That gospel was that + men must live three hundred years if civilization is to be saved. It + shewed that this extension of individual human life was possible, and how + it was likely to come about. I married the daughter of one of the + brothers. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Do you mean to say you claim to be a connection of mine? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I claim nothing. As I have by this time perhaps three or + four million cousins of one degree or another, I have ceased to call on + the family. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Gracious heavens! Four million relatives! Is that calculation + correct, Confucius? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. In China it might be forty millions if there were no checks on + population. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. This is a staggerer. It brings home to one—but [<i>recovering</i>] + it isnt true, you know. Let us keep sane. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>to the Archbishop</i>] You wish us to understand that the + illustrious ancestors of the Accountant General communicated to you a + secret by which you could attain the age of three hundred years. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. No. Nothing of the kind. They simply believed that mankind + could live any length of time it knew to be absolutely necessary to save + civilization from extinction. I did not share their belief: at least I was + not conscious of sharing it: I thought I was only amused by it. To me my + father-in-law and his brother were a pair of clever cranks who had talked + one another into a fixed idea which had become a monomania with them. It + was not until I got into serious difficulties with the pension authorities + after turning seventy that I began to suspect the truth. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The truth? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes, Mr Chief Secretary: the truth. Like all revolutionary + truths, it began as a joke. As I shewed no signs of ageing after + forty-five, my wife used to make fun of me by saying that I was certainly + going to live three hundred years. She was sixty-eight when she died; and + the last thing she said to me, as I sat by her bedside holding her hand, + was 'Bill: you really don't look fifty. I wonder—' She broke off, + and fell asleep wondering, and never awoke. Then I began to wonder too. + That is the explanation of the three hundred years, Mr Secretary. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It is very ingenious, Mr Archbishop. And very well told. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Of course you understand that <i>I</i> don't for a moment + suggest the very faintest doubt of your absolute veracity, Archbishop. You + know that, don't you? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Quite, Mr President. Only you don't believe me: that is + all. I do not expect you to. In your place I should not believe. You had + better have a look at the films. [<i>Pointing to the Accountant General</i>] + He believes. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But the drowning? What about the drowning? A man might get + drowned once, or even twice if he was exceptionally careless. But he + couldn't be drowned four times. He would run away from water like a mad + dog. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Perhaps Mr Chief Secretary can guess the explanation of + that. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. To keep your secret, you had to die. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But dash it all, man, he isn't dead. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It is socially impossible not to do what everybody else does. + One must die at the usual time. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Of course. A simple point of honour. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Not at all. A simple necessity. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, I'm hanged if I see it. I should jolly well live for + ever if I could. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. It is not so easy as you think. You, Mr Chief Secretary, + have grasped the difficulties of the position. Let me remind you, Mr + President, that I was over eighty before the 1969 Act for the + Redistribution of Income entitled me to a handsome retiring pension. Owing + to my youthful appearance I was prosecuted for attempting to obtain public + money on false pretences when I claimed it. I could prove nothing; for the + register of my birth had been blown to pieces by a bomb dropped on a + village church years before in the first of the big modern wars. I was + ordered back to work as a man of forty, and had to work for fifteen years + more, the retiring age being then fifty-five. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. As late as fifty-five! How did people stand it? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. They made difficulties about letting me go even then, I + still looked so young. For some years I was in continual trouble. The + industrial police rounded me up again and again, refusing to believe that + I was over age. They began to call me The Wandering Jew. You see how + impossible my position was. I foresaw that in twenty years more my + official record would prove me to be seventy-five; my appearance would + make it impossible to believe that I was more than forty-five; and my real + age would be one hundred and seventeen. What was I to do? Bleach my hair? + Hobble about on two sticks? Mimic the voice of a centenarian? Better have + killed myself. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. You ought to have killed yourself. As an honest man you were + entitled to no more than an honest man's expectation of life. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I did kill myself. It was quite easy. I left a suit of + clothes by the seashore during the bathing season, with documents in the + pockets to identify me. I then turned up in a strange place, pretending + that I had lost my memory, and did not know my name or my age or anything + about myself. Under treatment I recovered my health, but not my memory. I + have had several careers since I began this routine of life and death. I + have been an archbishop three times. When I persuaded the authorities to + knock down all our towns and rebuild them from the foundations, or move + them, I went into the artillery, and became a general. I have been + President. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Dickenson? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But they found Dickenson's body: its ashes are buried in St + Paul's. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. They almost always found the body. During the bathing + season there are plenty of bodies. I have been cremated again and again. + At first I used to attend my own funeral in disguise, because I had read + about a man doing that in an old romance by an author named Bennett, from + whom I remember borrowing five pounds in 1912. But I got tired of that. I + would not cross the street now to read my latest epitaph. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Chief Secretary and the President look very glum. Their incredulity + is vanquished at last.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Look here. Do you chaps realize how awful this is? Here we + are sitting calmly in the presence of a man whose death is overdue by two + centuries. He may crumble into dust before our eyes at any moment. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Not he. He'll go on drawing his pension until the end of the + world. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Not quite that. My expectation of life is only three + hundred years. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. You will last out my time anyhow: that's enough for me. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>coolly</i>] How do you know? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>taken aback</i>] How do I know! + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes: how do you know? I did not begin even to suspect + until I was nearly seventy. I was only vain of my youthful appearance. I + was not quite serious about it until I was ninety. Even now I am not sure + from one moment to another, though I have given you my reason for thinking + that I have quite unintentionally committed myself to a lifetime of three + hundred years. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But how do you do it? Is it lemons? Is it Soya beans? Is it— + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I do not do it. It happens. It may happen to anyone. It + may happen to you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>the full significance of this for himself dawning on him</i>] + Then we three may be in the same boat with you, for all we know? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. You may. Therefore I advise you to be very careful how you + take any step that will make my position uncomfortable. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, I'm dashed! One of my secretaries was remarking only + this morning how well and young I am looking. Barnabas: I have an absolute + conviction that I am one of the—the—shall I say one of the + victims?—of this strange destiny. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather + formed the same conviction when he was between sixty and seventy. I knew + him. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>depressed</i>] Ah! But he died. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. No. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>hopefully</i>] Do you mean to say he is still alive? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. No. He was shot. Under the influence of his belief that he + was going to live three hundred years he became a changed man. He began to + tell people the truth; and they disliked it so much that they took + advantage of certain clauses of an Act of Parliament he had himself passed + during the Four Years War, and had purposely forgotten to repeal + afterwards. They took him to the Tower of London and shot him. + </p> + <p> + <i>The apparatus rings.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>answering</i>] Yes? [<i>He listens</i>]. + </p> + <p> + A WOMAN'S VOICE. The Domestic Minister has called. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>not quite catching the answer</i>] Who does she say has + called? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The Domestic Minister. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Oh, dash it! That awful woman! + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. She certainly is a bit of a terror. I don't exactly know why; + for she is not at all bad-looking. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>out of patience</i>] For Heaven's sake, don't be frivolous. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. He cannot help it, Mr Accountant General. Three of his + sixteen great-great-great-grandfathers married Lubins. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Tut tut! I am not frivolling. <i>I</i> did not ask the lady + here. Which of you did? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It is her official duty to report personally to the President + once a quarter. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, that. Then I suppose it's my official duty to receive + her. Theyd better send her in. You don't mind, do you? She will bring us + back to real life. I don't know how you fellows feel; but I'm just going + dotty. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>into the telephone</i>] The President will receive the + Domestic Minister at once. + </p> + <p> + <i>They watch the door in silence for the entrance of the Domestic + Minister.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>suddenly, to the Archbishop</i>] I suppose you have been + married over and over again. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Once. You do not make vows until death when death is three + hundred years off. + </p> + <p> + <i>They relapse into uneasy silence. The Domestic Minister enters. She is + a handsome woman, apparently in the prime of life, with elegant, tense, + well held-up figure, and the walk of a goddess. Her expression and + deportment are grave, swift, decisive, awful, unanswerable. She wears a + Dianesque tunic instead of a blouse, and a silver coronet instead of a + gold fillet. Her dress otherwise is not markedly different from that of + the men, who rise as she enters, and incline their heads with instinctive + awe. She comes to the vacant chair between Barnabas and Confucius.</i> + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>resolutely genial and gallant</i>] Delighted to see you, + Mrs Lutestring. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. We are honored by your celestial presence. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Good day, madam. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I have not had the pleasure of meeting you before. I am + the Archbishop of York. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Surely we have met, Mr Archbishop. I remember your face. + We—[<i>she checks herself suddenly</i>] Ah, no: I remember now: it + was someone else. [<i>She sits down</i>]. They all sit down. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>also puzzled</i>] Are you sure you are mistaken? I also + have some association with your face, Mrs Lutestring. Something like a + door opening continually and revealing you. And a smile of welcome when + you recognized me. Did you ever open a door for me, I wonder? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I often opened a door for the person you have just + reminded me of. But he has been dead many years. The rest, except the + Archbishop, look at one another quickly. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. May I ask how many years? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>struck by his tone, looks at him for a moment with some + displeasure; then replies</i>] It does not matter. A long time. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You mustnt rush to conclusions about the Archbishop, Mrs + Lutestring. He is an older bird than you think. Older than you, at all + events. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>with a melancholy smile</i>] I think not, Mr President. + But the subject is a delicate one. I had rather not pursue it. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. There is a question which has not been asked. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>very decisively</i>] If it is a question about my age, + Mr Chief Secretary, it had better not be asked. All that concerns you + about my personal affairs can be found in the books of the Accountant + General. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The question I was thinking of will not be addressed to you. + But let me say that your sensitiveness on the point is very strange, + coming from a woman so superior to all common weaknesses as we know you to + be. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I may have reasons which have nothing to do with common + weaknesses, Mr Chief Secretary. I hope you will respect them. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>after bowing to her in assent</i>] I will now put my + question. Have you, Mr Archbishop, any ground for assuming, as you seem to + do, that what has happened to you has not happened to other people as + well? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes, by George! I never thought of that. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I have never met any case but my own. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. How do you know? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Well, no one has ever told me that they were in this + extraordinary position. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. That proves nothing. Did you ever tell anybody that you were in + it? You never told us. Why did you never tell us? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I am surprised at the question, coming from so astute a + mind as yours, Mr Secretary. When you reach the age I reached before I + discovered what was happening to me, I was old enough to know and fear the + ferocious hatred with which human animals, like all other animals, turn + upon any unhappy individual who has the misfortune to be unlike themselves + in every respect: to be unnatural, as they call it. You will still find, + among the tales of that twentieth-century classic, Wells, a story of a + race of men who grew twice as big as their fellows, and another story of a + man who fell into the hands of a race of blind men. The big people had to + fight the little people for their lives; and the man with eyes would have + had his eyes put out by the blind had he not fled to the desert, where he + perished miserably. Wells's teaching, on that and other matters, was not + lost on me. By the way, he lent me five pounds once which I never repaid; + and it still troubles my conscience. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. And were you the only reader of Wells? If there were others + like you, had they not the same reason for keeping the secret? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. That is true. But I should know. You short-lived people + are so childish. If I met a man of my own age I should recognize him at + once. I have never done so. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Would you recognize a woman of your age, do you think? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I—[<i>He stops and turns upon her with a searching + look, startled by the suggestion and the suspicion it rouses</i>]. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. What is your age, Mr Archbishop? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Two hundred and eighty-three, he says. That is his little + joke. Do you know, Mrs Lutestring, he had almost talked us into believing + him when you came in and cleared the air with your robust common sense. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Do you really feel that, Mr President? I hear the note of + breezy assertion in your voice. I miss the note of conviction. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>jumping up</i>] Look here. Let us stop talking damned + nonsense. I don't wish to be disagreeable; but it's getting on my nerves. + The best joke won't bear being pushed beyond a certain point. That point + has been reached. I—I'm rather busy this morning. We all have our + hands pretty full. Confucius here will tell you that I have a heavy day + before me. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Have you anything more important than this thing, if it's true? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, if if, if it's true! But it isn't true. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Have you anything at all to do? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Anything to do! Have you forgotten, Barnabas, that I happen + to be President, and that the weight of the entire public business of this + country is on my shoulders? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Has he anything to do, Confucius? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. He has to be President. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. That means that he has nothing to do. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>sulkily</i>] Very well, Barnabas. Go on making a fool of + yourself. [<i>He sits down</i>]. Go on. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I am not going to leave this room until we get to the bottom of + this swindle. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>turning with deadly gravity on the Accountant General</i>] + This what, did you say? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. These expressions cannot be sustained. You obscure the + discussion in using them. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>glad to escape from her gaze by addressing Confucius</i>] + Well, this unnatural horror. Will that satisfy you? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. That is in order. But we do not commit ourselves to the + implications of the word horror. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. By the word horror the Accountant General means only + something unusual. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I notice that the honorable Domestic Minister, on learning the + advanced age of the venerable prelate, shews no sign of surprise or + incredulity. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. She doesn't take it seriously. Who would? Eh, Mrs Lutestring? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I take it very seriously indeed, Mr President. I see now + that I was not mistaken at first. I have met the Archbishop before. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I felt sure of it. This vision of a door opening to me, + and a woman's face welcoming me, must be a reminiscence of something that + really happened; though I see it now as an angel opening the gate of + heaven. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Or a parlor maid opening the door of the house of the + young woman you were in love with? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>making a wry face</i>] Is that the reality? How these + things grow in our imagination! But may I say, Mrs Lutestring, that the + transfiguration of a parlor maid to an angel is not more amazing than her + transfiguration to the very dignified and able Domestic Minister I am + addressing. I recognize the angel in you. Frankly, I do not recognize the + parlor maid. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Whats a parlor maid? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. An extinct species. A woman in a black dress and white + apron, who opened the house door when people knocked or rang, and was + either your tyrant or your slave. I was a parlor maid in the house of one + of the Accountant General's remote ancestors. [<i>To Confucius</i>] You + asked me my age, Mr Chief Secretary, I am two hundred and seventy-four. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>gallantly</i>] You don't look it. You really don't look + it. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>turning her face gravely towards him</i>] Look again, + Mr President. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>looking at her bravely until the smile fades from his + face, and he suddenly covers his eyes with his hands</i>] Yes: you do look + it. I am convinced. It's true. Now call up the Lunatic Asylum, Confucius; + and tell them to send an ambulance for me. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>to the Archbishop</i>] Why have you given away your + secret? our secret? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. They found it out. The cinema records betrayed me. But I + never dreamt that there were others. Did you? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I knew one other. She was a cook. She grew tired, and + killed herself. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Dear me! However, her death simplifies the situation, as I + have been able to convince these gentlemen that the matter had better go + no further. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. What! When the President knows! It will be all over the + place before the end of the week. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>injured</i>] Really, Mrs Lutestring! You speak as if I + were a notoriously indiscreet person. Barnabas: have I such a reputation? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>resignedly</i>] It cant be helped. It's constitutional. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It is utterly unconstitutional. But, as you say, it cannot be + helped. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>solemnly</i>] I deny that a secret of State has ever + passed my lips—except perhaps to the Minister of Health, who is + discretion personified. People think, because she is a negress— + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. It does not matter much now. Once, it would have mattered + a great deal. But my children are all dead. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes: the children must have been a terrible difficulty. + Fortunately for me, I had none. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. There was one daughter who was the child of my very heart. + Some years after my first drowning I learnt that she had lost her sight. I + went to her. She was an old woman of ninety-six, blind. She asked me to + sit and talk with her because my voice was like the voice of her dead + mother. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. The complications must be frightful. Really I hardly know + whether I do want to live much longer than other people. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. You can always kill yourself, as cook did; but that was + influenza. Long life is complicated, and even terrible; but it is glorious + all the same. I would no more change places with an ordinary woman than + with a mayfly that lives only an hour. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. What set you thinking of it first? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Conrad Barnabas's book. Your wife told me it was more + wonderful than Napoleon's Book of Fate and Old Moore's Almanac, which cook + and I used to read. I was very ignorant: it did not seem so impossible to + me as to an educated woman. Yet I forgot all about it, and married and + drudged as a poor man's wife, and brought up children, and looked twenty + years older than I really was, until one day, long after my husband died + and my children were out in the world working for themselves, I noticed + that I looked twenty years younger than I really was. The truth came to me + in a flash. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. An amazing moment. Your feelings must have been beyond + description. What was your first thought? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Pure terror. I saw that the little money I had laid up + would not last, and that I must go out and: work again. They had things + called Old Age Pensions then: miserable pittances for worn-out old + laborers to die on. I thought I should be found out if I went on drawing + it too long. The horror of facing another lifetime of drudgery, of missing + my hard-earned rest and losing my poor little savings, drove everything + else out of my mind. You people nowadays can have no conception of the + dread of poverty that hung over us then, or of the utter tiredness of + forty years' unending overwork and striving to make a shilling do the work + of a pound. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I wonder you did not kill yourself. I often wonder why the + poor in those evil old times did not kill themselves. They did not even + kill other people. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. You never kill yourself, because you always may as well + wait until tomorrow. And you have not energy or conviction enough to kill + the others. Besides, how can you blame them when you would do as they do + if you were in their place? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Devilish poor consolation, that. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. There were other consolations in those days for people + like me. We drank preparations of alcohol to relieve the strain of living + and give us an artificial happiness. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN {[[<i>all together,</i>]} Alcohol! + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS {[<i>making</i>] } Pfff...! + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS {[<i>wry faces</i>]] } Disgusting. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. A little alcohol would improve your temper and manners, + and make you much easier to live with, Mr Accountant General. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>laughing</i>] By George, I believe you! Try it, Barnabas. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. No. Try tea. It is the more civilized poison of the two. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. You, Mr President, were born intoxicated with your own + well-fed natural exuberance. You cannot imagine what alcohol was to an + underfed poor woman. I had carefully arranged my little savings so that I + could get drunk, as we called it, once a week; and my only pleasure was + looking forward to that poor little debauch. That is what saved me from + suicide. I could not bear to miss my next carouse. But when I stopped + working, and lived on my pension, the fatigue of my life's drudgery began + to wear off, because, you see, I was not really old. I recuperated. I + looked younger and younger. And at last I was rested enough to have + courage and strength to begin life again. Besides, political changes were + making it easier: life was a little better worth living for the + nine-tenths of the people who used to be mere drudges. After that, I never + turned back or faltered. My only regret now is that I shall die when I am + three hundred or thereabouts. There was only one thing that made life + hard; and that is gone now. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. May we ask what that was? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Perhaps you will be offended if I tell you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Offended! My dear lady, do you suppose, after such a + stupendous revelation, that anything short of a blow from a sledge-hammer + could produce the smallest impression on any of us? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Well, you see, it has been so hard on me never to meet a + grown-up person. You are all such children. And I never was very fond of + children, except that one girl who woke up the mother passion in me. I + have been very lonely sometimes. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>again gallant</i>] But surely, Mrs Lutestring, that has + been your own fault. If I may say so, a lady of your attractions need + never have been lonely. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Why? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Why! Well—. Well, er—. Well, er er—. Well! + [<i>he gives it up</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. He means that you might have married. Curious, how little + they understand our position. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I did marry. I married again on my hundred and first + birthday. But of course I had to marry an elderly man: a man over sixty. + He was a great painter. On his deathbed he said to me 'It has taken me + fifty years to learn my trade, and to paint all the foolish pictures a man + must paint and get rid of before he comes through them to the great things + he ought to paint. And now that my foot is at last on the threshold of the + temple I find that it is also the threshold of my tomb.' That man would + have been the greatest painter of all time if he could have lived as long + as I. I saw him die of old age whilst he was still, as he said himself, a + gentleman amateur, like all modern painters. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But why had you to marry an elderly man? Why not marry a + young one? or shall I say a middle-aged one? If my own affections were not + already engaged; and if, to tell the truth, I were not a little afraid of + you—for you are a very superior woman, as we all acknowledge—I + should esteem myself happy in—er—er— + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Mr President: have you ever tried to take advantage of the + innocence of a little child for the gratification of your senses? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Good Heavens, madam, what do you take me for? What right have + you to ask me such a question? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I am at present in my two hundred and seventy-fifth year. + You suggest that I should take advantage of the innocence of a child of + thirty, and marry it. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Can you shortlived people not understand that as the + confusion and immaturity and primitive animalism in which we live for the + first hundred years of our life is worse in this matter of sex than in any + other, you are intolerable to us in that relation? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Do you mean to say, Mrs Lutestring, that you regard me as a + child? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Do you expect me to regard you as a completed soul? Oh, + you may well be afraid of me. There are moments when your levity, your + ingratitude, your shallow jollity, make my gorge rise so against you that + if I could not remind myself that you are a child I should be tempted to + doubt your right to live at all. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Do you grudge us the few years we have? you who have three + hundred! + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You accuse me of levity! Must I remind you, madam, that I am + the President, and that you are only the head of a department? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Ingratitude too! You draw a pension for three hundred years when + we owe you only seventy-eight; and you call us ungrateful! + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. I do. When I think of the blessings that have been + showered on you, and contrast them with the poverty! the humiliations! the + anxieties! the heartbreak! the insolence and tyranny that were the daily + lot of mankind when I was learning to suffer instead of learning to live! + when I see how lightly you take it all! how you quarrel over the crumpled + leaves in your beds of roses! how you are so dainty about your work that + unless it is made either interesting or delightful to you you leave it to + negresses and Chinamen, I ask myself whether even three hundred years of + thought and experience can save you from being superseded by the Power + that created you and put you on your trial. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. My dear lady: our Chinese and colored friends are perfectly + happy. They are twenty times better off here than they would be in China + or Liberia. They do their work admirably; and in doing it they set us free + for higher employments. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>who has caught the infection of her indignation</i>] + What higher employments are you capable of? you that are superannuated at + seventy and dead at eighty! + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. You are not really doing higher work. You are supposed to + make the decisions and give the orders; but the negresses and the Chinese + make up your minds for you and tell you what orders to give, just as my + brother, who was a sergeant in the Guards, used to prompt his officers in + the old days. When I want to get anything done at the Health Ministry I do + not come to you: I go to the black lady who has been the real president + during your present term of office, or to Confucius, who goes on for ever + while presidents come and presidents go. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. This is outrageous. This is treason to the white race. And + let me tell you, madam, that I have never in my life met the Minister of + Health, and that I protest against the vulgar color prejudice which + disparages her great ability and her eminent services to the State. My + relations with her are purely telephonic, gramophonic, photophonic, and, + may I add, platonic. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. There is no reason why you should be ashamed of them in + any case, Mr President. But let us look at the position impersonally. Can + you deny that what is happening is that the English people have become a + Joint Stock Company admitting Asiatics and Africans as shareholders? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Nothing like it. I know all about the old joint stock companies. + The shareholders did no work. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. That is true; but we, like them, get our dividends whether + we work or not. We work partly because we know there would be no dividends + if we did not, and partly because if we refuse we are regarded as mentally + deficient and put into a lethal chamber. But what do we work at? Before + the few changes we were forced to make by the revolutions that followed + the Four Years War, our governing classes had been so rich, as it was + called, that they had become the most intellectually lazy and fat-headed + people on the face of the earth. There is a good deal of that fat still + clinging to us. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. As President, I must not listen to unpatriotic criticisms of + our national character, Mr Archbishop. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. As Archbishop, Mr President, it is my official duty to + criticize the national character unsparingly. At the canonization of Saint + Henrik Ibsen, you yourself unveiled the monument to him which bears on its + pedestal the noble inscription, 'I came not to call sinners, but the + righteous, to repentance.' The proof of what I say is that our routine + work, and what may be called our ornamental and figure-head work, is being + more and more sought after by the English; whilst the thinking, + organizing, calculating, directing work is done by yellow brains, brown + brains, and black brains, just as it was done in my early days by Jewish + brains, Scottish brains, Italian brains, German brains. The only white men + who still do serious work are those who, like the Accountant General, have + no capacity for enjoyment, and no social gifts to make them welcome + outside their offices. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Confound your impudence! I had gifts enough to find you out, + anyhow. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>disregarding this outburst</i>] If you were to kill me + as I stand here, you would have to appoint an Indian to succeed me. I take + precedence today not as an Englishman, but as a man with more than a + century and a half of fully adult experience. We are letting all the power + slip into the hands of the colored people. In another hundred years we + shall be simply their household pets. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>reacting buoyantly</i>] Not the least danger of it. I + grant you we leave the most troublesome part of the labor of the nation to + them. And a good job too: why should we drudge at it? But think of the + activities of our leisure! Is there a jollier place on earth to live in + than England out of office hours? And to whom do we owe that? To + ourselves, not to the niggers. The nigger and the Chink are all right from + Tuesday to Friday; but from Friday to Tuesday they are simply nowhere; and + the real life of England is from Friday to Tuesday. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. That is terribly true. In devising brainless amusements; + in pursuing them with enormous vigor, and taking them with eager + seriousness, our English people are the wonder of the world. They always + were. And it is just as well; for otherwise their sensuality would become + morbid and destroy them. What appals me is that their amusements should + amuse them. They are the amusements of boys and girls. They are pardonable + up to the age of fifty or sixty: after that they are ridiculous. I tell + you, what is wrong with us is that we are a non-adult race; and the Irish + and the Scots, and the niggers and Chinks, as you call them, though their + lifetime is as short as ours, or shorter, yet do somehow contrive to grow + up a little before they die. We die in boyhood: the maturity that should + make us the greatest of all the nations lies beyond the grave for us. + Either we shall go under as greybeards with golf clubs in our hands, or we + must will to live longer. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Yes: that is it. I could not have expressed it in words; + but you have expressed it for me. I felt, even when I was an ignorant + domestic slave, that we had the possibility of becoming a great nation + within us; but our faults and follies drove me to cynical hopelessness. We + all ended then like that. It is the highest creatures who take the longest + to mature, and are the most helpless during their immaturity. I know now + that it took me a whole century to grow up. I began my serious life when I + was a hundred and twenty. Asiatics cannot control me: I am not a child in + their hands, as you are, Mr President. Neither, I am sure, is the + Archbishop. They respect me. You are not grown up enough even for that, + though you were kind enough to say that I frighten you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Honestly, you do. And will you think me very rude if I say + that if I must choose between a white woman old enough to be my + great-grandmother and a black woman of my own age, I shall probably find + the black woman more sympathetic? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. And more attractive in color, perhaps? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes. Since you ask me, more—well, not more attractive: + I do not deny that you have an excellent appearance—but I will say, + richer. More Venetian. Tropical. 'The shadowed livery of the burnished + sun.' + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Our women, and their favorite story writers, begin already + to talk about men with golden complexions. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>expanding into a smile all across both face and body</i>] + A-a-a-a-a-h! + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, what of it, madam? Have you read a very interesting + book by the librarian of the Biological Society suggesting that the future + of the world lies with the Mulatto? + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING [<i>rising</i>] Mr Archbishop: if the white race is to be + saved, our destiny is apparent. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. Yes: our duty is pretty clear. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. Have you time to come home with me and discuss the matter? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP [<i>rising</i>] With pleasure. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>rising also and rushing past Mrs Lutestring to the door, + where he turns to bar her way</i>] No you don't. Burge: you understand, + don't you? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. No. What is it? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. These two are going to marry. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Why shouldn't they, if they want to? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. They don't want to. They will do it in cold blood because their + children will live three hundred years. It mustnt be allowed. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. You cannot prevent it. There is no law that gives you power to + interfere with them. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. If they force me to it I will obtain legislation against + marriages above the age of seventy-eight. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. There is not time for that before we are married, Mr + Accountant General. Be good enough to get out of the lady's way. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. There is time to send the lady to the lethal chamber before + anything comes of your marriage. Dont forget that. + </p> + <p> + MRS LUTESTRING. What nonsense, Mr Accountant General! Good afternoon, Mr + President. Good afternoon, Mr Chief Secretary. [<i>They rise and + acknowledge her salutation with bows. She walks straight at the Accountant + General, who instinctively shrinks out of her way as she leaves the room</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHBISHOP. I am surprised at you, Mr Barnabas. Your tone was like an + echo from the Dark Ages. [<i>He follows the Domestic Minister</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Confucius, shaking his head and clucking with his tongue in deprecation + of this painful episode, moves to the chair just vacated by the Archbishop + and stands behind it with folded palms, looking at the President. The + Accountant General shakes his fist after the departed visitors, and bursts + into savage abuse of them.</i> + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Thieves! Cursed thieves! Vampires! What are you going to do, + Burge? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Do? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Yes, do. There must be dozens of these people in existence. Are + you going to let them do what the two who have just left us mean to do, + and crowd us off the face of the earth? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>sitting down</i>] Oh, come, Barnabas! What harm are they + doing? Arnt you interested in them? Dont you like them? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Like them! I hate them. They are monsters, unnatural monsters. + They are poison to me. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What possible objection can there be to their living as long + as they can? It does not shorten our lives, does it? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. If I have to die when I am seventy-eight, I don't see why + another man should be privileged to live to be two hundred and + seventy-eight. It does shorten my life, relatively. It makes us + ridiculous. If they grew to be twelve feet high they would make us all + dwarfs. They talked to us as if we were children. There is no love lost + between us: their hatred of us came out soon enough. You heard what the + woman said, and how the Archbishop backed her up? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But what can we do to them? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Kill them. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Nonsense! + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Lock them up. Sterilize them somehow, anyhow. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But what reason could we give? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. What reason can you give for killing a snake? Nature tells you + to do it. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. My dear Barnabas, you are out of your mind. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Havnt you said that once too often already this morning? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I don't believe you will carry a single soul with you. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. I understand. I know you. You think you are one of them. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Mr Accountant General: you may be one of them. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. How dare you accuse me of such a thing? I am an honest man, not + a monster. I won my place in public life by demonstrating that the true + expectation of human life is seventy-eight point six. And I will resist + any attempt to alter or upset it to the last drop of my blood if need be. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, tut tut! Come, come! Pull yourself together. How can you, + a descendant of the great Conrad Barnabas, the man who is still remembered + by his masterly Biography of a Black Beetle, be so absurd? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. You had better go and write the autobiography of a jackass. I am + going to raise the country against this horror, and against you, if you + shew the slightest sign of weakness about it. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>very impressively</i>] You will regret it if you do. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. What is to make me regret it? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Every mortal man and woman in the community will begin to count + on living for three centuries. Things will happen which you do not + foresee: terrible things. The family will dissolve: parents and children + will be no longer the old and the young: brothers and sisters will meet as + strangers after a hundred years separation: the ties of blood will lose + their innocence. The imaginations of men, let loose over the possibilities + of three centuries of life, will drive them mad and wreck human society. + This discovery must be kept a dead secret. [<i>He sits down</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. And if I refuse to keep the secret? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I shall have you safe in a lunatic asylum the day after you + blab. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. You forget that I can produce the Archbishop to prove my + statement. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. So can I. Which of us do you think he will support when I + explain to him that your object in revealing his age is to get him killed? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS [<i>desperate</i>] Burge: are you going to back up this yellow + abomination against me? Are we public men and members of the Government? + or are we damned blackguards? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>unmoved</i>] Have you ever known a public man who was not + what vituperative people called a damned blackguard when some + inconsiderate person wanted to tell the public more than was good for it? + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Hold your tongue, you insolent heathen. Burge: I spoke to you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, you know, my dear Barnabas, Confucius is a very + long-headed chap. I see his point. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. Do you? Then let me tell you that, except officially, I will + never speak to you again. Do you hear? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>cheerfully</i>] You will. You will. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. And don't you ever dare speak to me again. Do you hear? [<i>He + turns to the door</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I will. I will. Goodbye, Barnabas. God bless you. + </p> + <p> + BARNABAS. May you live forever, and be the laughingstock of the whole + world! [<i>he dashes out in a fury</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>laughing indulgently</i>] He will keep the secret all + right. I know Barnabas. You neednt worry. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>troubled and grave</i>] There are no secrets except the + secrets that keep themselves. Consider. There are those films at the + Record Office. We have no power to prevent the Master of the Records from + publishing this discovery made in his department. We cannot silence the + American—who can silence an American?—nor the people who were + there today to receive him. Fortunately, a film can prove nothing but a + resemblance. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Thats very true. After all, the whole thing is confounded + nonsense, isnt it? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>raising his head to look at him</i>] You have decided not to + believe it now that you realize its inconveniences. That is the English + method. It may not work in this case. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. English be hanged! It's common sense. You know, those two + people got us hypnotized: not a doubt of it. They must have been kidding + us. They were, werent they? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. You looked into that woman's face; and you believed. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Just so. Thats where she had me. I shouldn't have believed + her a bit if she'd turned her back to me. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>shakes his head slowly and repeatedly</i>]??? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You really think—? [<i>he hesitates</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The Archbishop has always been a puzzle to me. Ever since I + learnt to distinguish between one English face and another I have noticed + what the woman pointed out: that the English face is not an adult face, + just as the English mind is not an adult mind. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Stow it, John Chinaman. If ever there was a race divinely + appointed to take charge of the non-adult races and guide them and train + them and keep them out of mischief until they grow up to be capable of + adopting our institutions, that race is the English race. It is the only + race in the world that has that characteristic. Now! + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. That is the fancy of a child nursing a doll. But it is ten + times more childish of you to dispute the highest compliment ever paid + you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You call it a compliment to class us as grown-up children. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Not grown-up children, children at fifty, sixty, seventy. Your + maturity is so late that you never attain to it. You have to be governed + by races which are mature at forty. That means that you are potentially + the most highly developed race on earth, and would be actually the + greatest if you could live long enough to attain to maturity. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>grasping the idea at last</i>] By George, Confucius, youre + right! I never thought of that. That explains everything. We are just a + lot of schoolboys: theres no denying it. Talk to an Englishman about + anything serious, and he listens to you curiously for a moment just as he + listens to a chap playing classical music. Then he goes back to his marine + golf, or motoring, or flying, or women, just like a bit of stretched + elastic when you let it go. [<i>Soaring to the height of his theme</i>] + Oh, youre quite right. We are only in our infancy. I ought to be in a + perambulator, with a nurse shoving me along. It's true: it's absolutely + true. But some day we'll grow up; and then, by Jingo, we'll shew em. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. The Archbishop is an adult. When I was a child I was dominated + and intimidated by people whom I now know to have been weaker and sillier + than I, because there was some mysterious quality in their mere age that + overawed me. I confess that, though I have kept up appearances, I have + always been afraid of the Archbishop. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Between ourselves, Confucius, so have I. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. It is this that convinced me. It was this in the woman's face + that convinced you. Their new departure in the history of the race is no + fraud. It does not even surprise me. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, come! Not surprise you! It's your pose never to be + surprised at anything; but if you are not surprised at this you are not + human. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. I am staggered, just as a man may be staggered by an explosion + for which he has himself laid the charge and lighted the fuse. But I am + not surprised, because, as a philosopher and a student of evolutionary + biology, I have come to regard some such development as this as + inevitable. If I had not thus prepared myself to be credulous, no mere + evidence of films and well-told tales would have persuaded me to believe. + As it is, I do believe. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Well, that being settled, what the devil is to happen next? + Whats the next move for us? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. We do not make the next move. The next move will be made by the + Archbishop and the woman. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Their marriage? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. More than that. They have made the momentous discovery that + they are not alone in the world. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. You think there are others? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. There must be many others. Each of them believes that he or she + is the only one to whom the miracle has happened. But the Archbishop knows + better now. He will advertise in terms which only the longlived people + will understand. He will bring them together and organize them. They will + hasten from all parts of the earth. They will become a great Power. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>a little alarmed</i>] I say, will they? I suppose they + will. I wonder is Barnabas right after all? Ought we to allow it? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Nothing that we can do will stop it. We cannot in our souls + really want to stop it: the vital force that has produced this change + would paralyse our opposition to it, if we were mad enough to oppose. But + we will not oppose. You and I may be of the elect, too. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes: thats what gets us every time. What the deuce ought we + to do? Something must be done about it, you know. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Let us sit still, and meditate in silence on the vistas before + us. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. By George, I believe youre right. Let us. + </p> + <p> + <i>They sit meditating, the Chinaman naturally, the President with visible + effort and intensity. He is positively glaring into the future when the + voice of the Negress is heard.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. Mr President. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>joyfully</i>] Yes. [<i>Taking up a peg</i>] Are you at + home? + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. No. Omega, zero, x squared. + </p> + <p> + <i>The President rapidly puts the peg in the switchboard; works the dial; + and presses the button. The screen becomes transparent; and the Negress, + brilliantly dressed, appears on what looks like the bridge of a steam + yacht in glorious sea weather. The installation with which she is + communicating is beside the binnacle.</i> + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>looking round, and recoiling with a shriek of disgust</i>] + Ach! Avaunt! Avaunt! [<i>He rushes from the room</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. What part of the coast is that? + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. Fishguard Bay. Why not run over and join me for the + afternoon? I am disposed to be approachable at last. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. But Fishguard! Two hundred and seventy miles! + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. There is a lightning express on the Irish Air Service at + half-past sixteen. They will drop you by a parachute in the bay. The dip + will do you good. I will pick you up and dry you and give you a first-rate + time. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Delightful. But a little risky, isnt it? + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS. Risky! I thought you were afraid of nothing. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. I am not exactly afraid; but— + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS [<i>offended</i>] But you think it is not good enough. Very + well [<i>she raises her hand to take the peg out of her switchboard</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>imploringly</i>] No: stop: let me explain: hold the line + just one moment. Oh, please. + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS [<i>waiting with her hand poised over the peg</i>] Well? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. The fact is, I have been behaving very recklessly for some + time past under the impression that my life would be so short that it was + not worth bothering about. But I have just learnt that I may live—well, + much longer than I expected. I am sure your good sense will tell you that + this alters the case. I— + </p> + <p> + THE NEGRESS [<i>with suppressed rage</i>] Oh, quite. Pray don't risk your + precious, life on my account. Sorry for troubling you. Goodbye. [<i>She + snatches out her peg and vanishes</i>]. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>urgently</i>] No: please hold on. I can convince you—[<i>a + loud buzz-uzz-uzz</i>]. Engaged! Who is she calling up now? [<i>Represses + the button and calls</i>] The Chief Secretary. Say I want to see him + again, just for a moment. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS'S VOICE. Is the woman gone? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Yes, yes: it's all right. Just a moment, if—[<i>Confucius + returns</i>] Confucius: I have some important business at Fishguard. The + Irish Air Service can drop me in the bay by parachute. I suppose it's + quite safe, isnt it? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Nothing is quite safe. The air service is as safe as any other + travelling service. The parachute is safe. But the water is not safe. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Why? They will give me an unsinkable tunic, wont they? + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. You will not sink; but the sea is very cold. You may get + rheumatism for life. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. For life! That settles it: I wont risk it. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. Good. You have at last become prudent: you are no longer what + you call a sportsman: you are a sensible coward, almost a grown-up man. I + congratulate you. + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN [<i>resolutely</i>] Coward or no coward, I will not face an + eternity of rheumatism for any woman that ever was born. [<i>He rises and + goes to the rack for his fillet</i>] I have changed my mind: I am going + home. [<i>He cocks the fillet rakishly</i>] Good evening. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS. So early? If the Minister of Health rings you up, what shall I + tell her? + </p> + <p> + BURGE-LUBIN. Tell her to go to the devil. [<i>He goes out</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CONFUCIUS [<i>shaking his head, shocked at the President's impoliteness</i>] + No. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, these English! these crude young + civilizations! Their manners! Hogs. Hogs. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART4" id="link2H_PART4"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART IV—Tragedy of an Elderly Gentleman + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT I + </h2> + <p> + <i>Burrin pier on the south shore of Galway Bay in Ireland, a region of + stone-capped hills and granite fields. It is a fine summer day in the year + 3000 A.D. On an ancient stone stump, about three feet thick and three feet + high, used for securing ships by ropes to the shore, and called a bollard + or holdfast, an elderly gentleman sits facing the land with his head bowed + and his face in his hands, sobbing. His sunburnt skin contrasts with his + white whiskers and eyebrows. He wears a black frock-coat, a white + waistcoat, lavender trousers, a brilliant silk cravat with a jewelled pin + stuck in it, a tall hat of grey felt, and patent leather boots with white + spats. His starched linen cuffs protrude from his coat sleeves; and his + collar, also of starched white linen, is Gladstonian. On his right, three + or four full sacks, lying side by side on the flags, suggest that the + pier, unlike many remote Irish piers, is occasionally useful as well as + romantic. On his left, behind him, a flight of stone steps descends out of + sight to the sea level. </i> + </p> + <p> + A woman in a silk tunic and sandals, wearing little else except a cap with + the number 2 on it in gold, comes up the steps from the sea, and stares in + astonishment at the sobbing man. Her age cannot be guessed: her face is + firm and chiselled like a young face; but her expression is unyouthful in + its severity and determination. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. What is the matter? + </p> + <p> + <i>The elderly gentleman looks up; hastily pulls himself together; takes + out a silk handkerchief and dries his tears lightly with a brave attempt + to smile through them; and tries to rise gallantly, but sinks back.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Do you need assistance? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No. Thank you very much. No. Nothing. The heat. [<i>He + punctuates with sniffs, and dabs with his handkerchief at his eyes and + nose.</i>] Hay fever. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. You are a foreigner, are you not? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No. You must not regard me as a foreigner. I am a + Briton. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. You come from some part of the British Commonwealth? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>amiably pompous</i>] From its capital, madam. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. From Baghdad? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Yes. You may not be aware, madam, that these + islands were once the centre of the British Commonwealth, during a period + now known as The Exile. They were its headquarters a thousand years ago. + Few people know this interesting circumstance now; but I assure you it is + true. I have come here on a pious pilgrimage to one of the numerous lands + of my fathers. We are of the same stock, you and I. Blood is thicker than + water. We are cousins. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. I do not understand. You say you have come here on a pious + pilgrimage. Is that some new means of transport? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>again shewing signs of distress</i>] I find it + very difficult to make myself understood here. I was not referring to a + machine, but to a—a—a sentimental journey. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. I am afraid I am as much in the dark as before. You said also + that blood is thicker than water. No doubt it is; but what of it? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Its meaning is obvious. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Perfectly. But I assure you I am quite aware that blood is + thicker than water. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>sniffing: almost in tears again</i>] We will + leave it at that, madam. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [going <i>nearer to him and scrutinizing him with some concern</i>] + I am afraid you are not well. Were you not warned that it is dangerous for + shortlived people to come to this country? There is a deadly disease + called discouragement, against which shortlived people have to take very + strict precautions. Intercourse with us puts too great a strain on them. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>pulling himself together huffily</i>] It has no + effect on me, madam. I fear my conversation does not interest you. If not, + the remedy is in your own hands. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>looking at her hands, and then looking inquiringly at him</i>] + Where? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>breaking down</i>] Oh, this is dreadful. No + understanding, no intelligence, no sympathy—[<i>his sobs choke him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. You see, you are ill. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>nerved by indignation</i>] I am not ill. I have + never had a day's illness in my life. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. May I advise you? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I have no need of a lady doctor, thank you, madam. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>shaking her head</i>] I am afraid I do not understand. I + said nothing about a butterfly. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Well, <i>I</i> said nothing about a butterfly. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. You spoke of a lady doctor. The word is known here only as the + name of a butterfly. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>insanely</i>] I give up. I can bear this no + longer. It is easier to go out of my mind at once. [<i>He rises and dances + about, singing</i>] + </p> +<div style="margin-left: 10%;"> + <i>I'd be a butterfly, born in a bower,<br /> + Making apple dumplings without any flour.</i> +</div> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>smiling gravely</i>] It must be at least a hundred and fifty + years since I last laughed. But if you do that any more I shall certainly + break out like a primary of sixty. Your dress is so extraordinarily + ridiculous. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>halting abruptly in his antics</i>] My dress + ridiculous! I may not be dressed like a Foreign Office clerk; but my + clothes are perfectly in fashion in my native metropolis, where yours—pardon + my saying so—would be considered extremely unusual and hardly + decent. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Decent? There is no such word in our language. What does it + mean? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. It would not be decent for me to explain. Decency + cannot be discussed without indecency. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. I cannot understand you at all. I fear you have not been + observing the rules laid down for shortlived visitors. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Surely, madam, they do not apply to persons of my + age and standing. I am not a child, nor an agricultural laborer. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>severely</i>] They apply to you very strictly. You are + expected to confine yourself to the society of children under sixty. You + are absolutely forbidden to approach fully adult natives under any + circumstances. You cannot converse with persons of my age for long without + bringing on a dangerous attack of discouragement. Do you realize that you + are already shewing grave symptoms of that very distressing and usually + fatal complaint? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Certainly not, madam. I am fortunately in no danger + of contracting it. I am quite accustomed to converse intimately and at the + greatest length with the most distinguished persons. If you cannot + discriminate between hay fever and imbecility, I can only say that your + advanced years carry with them the inevitable penalty of dotage. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. I am one of the guardians of this district; and I am + responsible for your welfare— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. The Guardians! Do you take me for a pauper? + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. I do not know what a pauper is. You must tell me who you are, + if it is possible for you to express yourself intelligibly— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>snorts indignantly</i>]! + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>continuing</i>]—and why you are wandering here alone + without a nurse. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>outraged</i>] Nurse! + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Shortlived visitors are not allowed to go about here without + nurses. Do you not know that rules are meant to be kept? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. By the lower classes, no doubt. But to persons in + my position there are certain courtesies which are never denied by + well-bred people; and— + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. There are only two human classes here: the shortlived and the + normal. The rules apply to the shortlived, and are for their own + protection. Now tell me at once who you are. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>impressively</i>] Madam, I am a retired + gentleman, formerly Chairman of the All-British Synthetic Egg and + Vegetable Cheese Trust in Baghdad, and now President of the British + Historical and Archaeological Society, and a Vice-President of the + Travellers' Club. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. All that does not matter. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>again snorting</i>] Hm! Indeed! + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Have you been sent here to make your mind flexible? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. What an extraordinary question! Pray do you find my + mind noticeably stiff? + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Perhaps you do not know that you are on the west coast of + Ireland, and that it is the practice among natives of the Eastern Island + to spend some years here to acquire mental flexibility. The climate has + that effect. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>haughtily</i>] I was born, not in the Eastern + Island, but, thank God, in dear old British Baghdad; and I am not in need + of a mental health resort. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Then why are you here? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Am I trespassing? I was not aware of it. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Trespassing? I do not understand the word. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Is this land private property? If so, I make no + claim. I proffer a shilling in satisfaction of damage (if any), and am + ready to withdraw if you will be good enough to shew me the nearest way. [<i>He + offers her a shilling</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>taking it and examining it without much interest</i>] I do + not understand a single word of what you have just said. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I am speaking the plainest English. Are you the + landlord? + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>shaking her head</i>] There is a tradition in this part of + the country of an animal with a name like that. It used to be hunted and + shot in the barbarous ages. It is quite extinct now. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>breaking down again</i>] It is a dreadful thing + to be in a country where nobody understands civilized institutions. [<i>He + collapses on the bollard, struggling with his rising sobs</i>]. Excuse me. + Hay fever. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>taking a tuning-fork from her girdle and holding it to her + ear; then speaking into space on one note, like a chorister intoning a + psalm</i>] Burrin Pier Galway please send someone to take charge of a + discouraged shortliver who has escaped from his nurse male harmless + babbles unintelligibly with moments of sense distressed hysterical foreign + dress very funny has curious fringe of white sea-weed under his chin. + </p> + <p> + THE GENTLEMAN. This is a gross impertinence. An insult. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>replacing her tuning-fork and addressing the elderly + gentleman</i>] These words mean nothing to me. In what capacity are you + here? How did you obtain permission to visit us? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>importantly</i>] Our Prime Minister, Mr Badger + Bluebin, has come to consult the oracle. He is my son-in-law. We are + accompanied by his wife and daughter: my daughter and granddaughter. I may + mention that General Aufsteig, who is one of our party, is really the + Emperor of Turania travelling incognito. I understand he has a question to + put to the oracle informally. I have come solely to visit the country. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Why should you come to a place where you have no business? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Great Heavens, madam, can anything be more natural? + I shall be the only member of the Travellers' Club who has set foot on + these shores. Think of that! My position will be unique. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Is that an advantage? We have a person here who has lost both + legs in an accident. His position is unique. But he would much rather be + like everyone else. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. This is maddening. There is no analogy whatever + between the two cases. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. They are both unique. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Conversation in this place seems to consist of + ridiculous quibbles. I am heartily tired of them. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. I conclude that your Travellers' Club is an assembly of persons + who wish to be able to say that they have been in some place where nobody + else has been. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Of Course if you wish to sneer at us— + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. What is sneer? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>with a wild sob</i>] I shall drown myself. + </p> + <p> + <i>He makes desperately for the edge of the pier, but is confronted by a + man with the number one on his cap, who comes up the steps and intercepts + him. He is dressed like the woman, but a slight moustache proclaims his + sex.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE MAN [<i>to the elderly gentleman</i>] Ah, here you are. I shall really + have to put a collar and lead on you if you persist in giving me the slip + like this. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN. Are you this stranger's nurse? + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. Yes. I am very tired of him. If I take my eyes off him for a + moment, he runs away and talks to everybody. + </p> + <p> + THE WOMAN [<i>after taking out her tuning-fork and sounding it, intones as + before</i>] Burrin Pier. Wash out. [<i>She puts up the fork, and addresses + the man</i>]. I sent a call for someone to take care of him. I have been + trying to talk to him; but I can understand very little of what he says. + You must take better care of him: he is badly discouraged already. If I + can be of any further use, Fusima, Gort, will find me. [<i>She goes away</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Any further use! She has been of no use to me. She + spoke to me without any introduction, like any improper female. And she + has made off with my shilling. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. Please speak slowly. I cannot follow. What is a shilling? What is + an introduction? Improper female doesnt make sense. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Nothing seems to make sense here. All I can tell + you is that she was the most impenetrably stupid woman I have ever met in + the whole course of my life. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. That cannot be. She cannot appear stupid to you. She is a + secondary, and getting on for a tertiary at that. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. What is a tertiary? Everybody here keeps talking to + me about primaries and secondaries and tertiaries as if people were + geological strata. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. The primaries are in their first century. The secondaries are in + their second century. I am still classed as a primary [<i>he points to his + number</i>]; but I may almost call myself a secondary, as I shall be + ninety-five next January. The tertiaries are in their third century. Did + you not see the number two on her badge? She is an advanced secondary. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. That accounts for it. She is in her second + childhood. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. Her second childhood! She is in her fifth childhood. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>again resorting to the bollard</i>] Oh! I cannot + bear these unnatural arrangements. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN [<i>impatient and helpless</i>] You shouldn't have come among us. + This is no place for you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>nerved by indignation</i>] May I ask why? I am a + Vice-President of the Travellers' Club. I have been everywhere: I hold the + record in the Club for civilized countries. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. What is a civilized country? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. It is—well, it is a civilized country. [<i>Desperately</i>] + I don't know: I—I—I—I shall go mad if you keep on asking + me to tell you things that everybody knows. Countries where you can travel + comfortably. Where there are good hotels. Excuse me; but, though you say + you are ninety-four, you are worse company than a child of five with your + eternal questions. Why not call me Daddy at once? + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. I did not know your name was Daddy. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. My name is Joseph Popham Bolge Bluebin Barlow, O.M. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. That is five men's names. Daddy is shorter. And O.M. will not do + here. It is our name for certain wild creatures, descendants of the + aboriginal inhabitants of this coast. They used to be called the + O'Mulligans. We will stick to Daddy. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. People will think I am your father. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN [<i>shocked</i>] Sh-sh! People here never allude to such + relationships. It is not quite delicate, is it? What does it matter + whether you are my father or not? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. My worthy nonagenarian friend: your faculties are + totally decayed. Could you not find me a guide of my own age? + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. A young person? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Certainly not. I cannot go about with a young + person. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. Why? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Why! Why!! Why!!! Have you no moral sense? + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. I shall have to give you up. I cannot understand you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. But you meant a young woman, didn't you? + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. I meant simply somebody of your own age. What difference does it + make whether the person is a man or a woman? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I could not have believed in the existence of such + scandalous insensibility to the elementary decencies of human intercourse. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. What are decencies? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>shrieking</i>] Everyone asks me that. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN [<i>taking out a tuning-fork and using it as the woman did</i>] + Zozim on Burrin Pier to Zoo Ennistymon I have found the discouraged + shortliver he has been talking to a secondary and is much worse I am too + old he is asking for someone of his own age or younger come if you can. [<i>He + puts up his fork and turns to the Elderly Gentleman</i>]. Zoo is a girl of + fifty, and rather childish at that. So perhaps she may make you happy. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Make me happy! A bluestocking of fifty! Thank you. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. Bluestocking? The effort to make out your meaning is fatiguing. + Besides, you are talking too much to me: I am old enough to discourage + you. Let us be silent until Zoo comes. [<i>He turns his back on the + Elderly Gentleman, and sits down on the edge of the pier, with his legs + dangling over the water</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Certainly. I have no wish to force my conversation + on any man who does not desire it. Perhaps you would like to take a nap. + If so, pray do not stand on ceremony. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. What is a nap? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>exasperated, going to him and speaking with + great precision and distinctness</i>] A nap, my friend, is a brief period + of sleep which overtakes superannuated persons when they endeavor to + entertain unwelcome visitors or to listen to scientific lectures. Sleep. + Sleep. [<i>Bawling into his ear</i>] Sleep. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN. I tell you I am nearly a secondary. I never sleep. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>awestruck</i>] Good Heavens! + </p> + <p> + <i>A young woman with the number one on her cap arrives by land. She looks + no older than Savvy Barnabas, whom she somewhat resembles, looked a + thousand years before. Younger, if anything.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE YOUNG WOMAN. Is this the patient? + </p> + <p> + THE MAN [<i>scrambling up</i>] This is Zoo. [<i>To Zoo</i>] Call him + Daddy. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>vehemently</i>] No. + </p> + <p> + THE MAN [<i>ignoring the interruption</i>] Bless you for taking him off my + hands! I have had as much of him as I can bear. [<i>He goes down the steps + and disappears</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>ironically taking off his hat and making a + sweeping bow from the edge of the pier in the direction of the Atlantic + Ocean</i>] Good afternoon, sir; and thank you very much for your + extraordinary politeness, your exquisite consideration for my feelings, + your courtly manners. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. [<i>Clapping + his hat on again</i>] Pig! Ass! + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>laughs very heartily at him</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>turning sharply on her</i>] Good afternoon, + madam. I am sorry to have had to put your friend in his place; but I find + that here as elsewhere it is necessary to assert myself if I am to be + treated with proper consideration. I had hoped that my position as a guest + would protect me from insult. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Putting my friend in his place. That is some poetic expression, is it + not? What does it mean? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Pray, is there no one in these islands who + understands plain English? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Well, nobody except the oracles. They have to make a special + historical study of what we call the dead thought. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Dead thought! I have heard of the dead languages, + but never of the dead thought. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Well, thoughts die sooner than languages. I understand your language; + but I do not always understand your thought. The oracles will understand + you perfectly. Have you had your consultation yet? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I did not come to consult the oracle, madam. I am + here simply as a gentleman travelling for pleasure in the company of my + daughter, who is the wife of the British Prime Minister, and of General + Aufsteig, who, I may tell you in confidence, is really the Emperor of + Turania, the greatest military genius of the age. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Why should you travel for pleasure! Can you not enjoy yourself at + home? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I wish to see the World. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. It is too big. You can see a bit of it anywhere. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>out of patience</i>] Damn it, madam, you don't + want to spend your life looking at the same bit of it! [<i>Checking + himself</i>] I beg your pardon for swearing in your presence. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Oh! That is swearing, is it? I have read about that. It sounds quite + pretty. Dammitmaddam, dammitmaddam, dammitmaddam, dammitmaddam. Say it as + often as you please: I like it. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>expanding with intense relief</i>] Bless you for + those profane but familiar words! Thank you, thank you. For the first time + since I landed in this terrible country I begin to feel at home. The + strain which was driving me mad relaxes: I feel almost as if I were at the + club. Excuse my taking the only available seat: I am not so young as I + was. [<i>He sits on the bollard</i>]. Promise me that you will not hand me + over to one of these dreadful tertiaries or secondaries or whatever you + call them. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Never fear. They had no business to give you in charge to Zozim. You + see he is just on the verge of becoming a secondary; and these adolescents + will give themselves the airs of tertiaries. You naturally feel more at + home with a flapper like me. [<i>She makes herself comfortable on the + sacks</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Flapper? What does that mean? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. It is an archaic word which we still use to describe a female who is + no longer a girl and is not yet quite adult. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. A very agreeable age to associate with, I find. I + am recovering rapidly. I have a sense of blossoming like a flower. May I + ask your name? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Zoo. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Miss Zoo. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Not Miss Zoo. Zoo. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Precisely. Er—Zoo what? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. No. Not Zoo What. Zoo. Nothing but Zoo. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>puzzled</i>] Mrs Zoo, perhaps. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. No. Zoo. Cant you catch it? Zoo. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Of course. Believe me, I did not really think you + were married: you are obviously too young; but here it is so hard to feel + sure—er— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>hopelessly puzzled</i>] What? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Marriage makes a difference, you know. One can say + things to a married lady that would perhaps be in questionable taste to + anyone without that experience. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You are getting out of my depth: I dont understand a word you are + saying. Married and questionable taste convey nothing to me. Stop, though. + Is married an old form of the word mothered? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Very likely. Let us drop the subject. Pardon me for + embarrassing you. I should not have mentioned it. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What does embarrassing mean? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Well, really! I should have thought that so natural + and common a condition would be understood as long as human nature lasted. + To embarrass is to bring a blush to the cheek. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What is a blush? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>amazed</i>] Dont you blush??? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Never heard of it. We have a word flush, meaning a rush of blood to + the skin. I have noticed it in my babies, but not after the age of two. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Your babies!!! I fear I am treading on very + delicate ground; but your appearance is extremely youthful; and if I may + ask how many—? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Only four as yet. It is a long business with us. I specialize in + babies. My first was such a success that they made me go on. I— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>reeling on the bollard</i>] Oh! dear! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Whats the matter? Anything wrong? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. In Heaven's name, madam, how old are you? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Fifty-six. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. My knees are trembling. I fear I am really ill. Not + so young as I was. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I noticed that you are not strong on your legs yet. You have many of + the ways and weaknesses of a baby. No doubt that is why I feel called on + to mother you. You certainly are a very silly little Daddy. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>stimulated by indignation</i>] My name, I + repeat, is Joseph Popham Bolge Bluebin Barlow, O.M. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What a ridiculously long name! I cant call you all that. What did + your mother call you? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. You recall the bitterest struggles of my childhood. + I was sensitive on the point. Children suffer greatly from absurd + nicknames. My mother thoughtlessly called me Iddy Toodles. I was called + Iddy until I went to school, when I made my first stand for children's + rights by insisting on being called at least Joe. At fifteen I refused to + answer to anything shorter than Joseph. At eighteen I discovered that the + name Joseph was supposed to indicate an unmanly prudery because of some + old story about a Joseph who rejected the advances of his employer's wife: + very properly in my opinion. I then became Popham to my family and + intimate friends, and Mister Barlow to the rest of the world. My mother + slipped back into Iddy when her faculties began to fail her, poor woman; + but I could not resent that, at her age. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Do you mean to say that your mother bothered about you after you were + ten? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Naturally, madam. She was my mother. What would you + have had her do? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Go on to the next, of course. After eight or nine children become + quite uninteresting, except to themselves. I shouldnt know my two eldest + if I met them. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>again drooping</i>] I am dying. Let me die. I + wish to die. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>going to him quickly and supporting him</i>] Hold up. Sit up + straight. Whats the matter? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>faintly</i>] My spine, I think. Shock. + Concussion. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>maternally</i>] Pow wow wow! What is there to shock you? [<i>Shaking + him playfully</i>] There! Sit up; and be good. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>still feebly</i>] Thank you. I am better now. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>resuming her seat on the sacks</i>] But what was all the rest of + that long name for? There was a lot more of it. Blops Booby or something. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>impressively</i>] Bolge Bluebin, madam: a + historical name. Let me inform you that I can trace my family back for + more than a thousand years, from the Eastern Empire to its ancient seat in + these islands, to a time when two of my ancestors, Joyce Bolge and Hengist + Horsa Bluebin, wrestled with one another for the prime ministership of the + British Empire, and occupied that position successively with a glory of + which we can in these degenerate days form but a faint conception. When I + think of these mighty men, lions in war, sages in peace, not babblers and + charlatans like the pigmies who now occupy their places in Baghdad, but + strong silent men, ruling an empire on which the sun never set, my eyes + fill with tears: my heart bursts with emotion: I feel that to have lived + but to the dawn of manhood in their day, and then died for them, would + have been a nobler and happier lot than the ignominious ease of my present + longevity. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Longevity! [<i>she laughs</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Yes, madam, relative longevity. As it is, I have to + be content and proud to know that I am descended from both those heroes. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You must be descended from every Briton who was alive in their time. + Dont you know that? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Do not quibble, madam. I bear their names, Bolge + and Bluebin; and I hope I have inherited something of their majestic + spirit. Well, they were born in these islands. I repeat, these islands + were then, incredible as it now seems, the centre of the British Empire. + When that centre shifted to Baghdad, and the Englishman at last returned + to the true cradle of his race in Mesopotamia, the western islands were + cast off, as they had been before by the Roman Empire. But it was to the + British race, and in these islands, that the greatest miracle in history + occurred. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Miracle? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Yes: the first man to live three hundred years was + an Englishman. The first, that is, since the contemporaries of Methuselah. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Oh, that! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Yes, that, as you call it so flippantly. Are you + aware, madam, that at that immortal moment the English race had lost + intellectual credit to such an extent that they habitually spoke of one + another as fatheads? Yet England is now a sacred grove to which statesmen + from all over the earth come to consult English sages who speak with the + experience of two and a half centuries of life. The land that once + exported cotton shirts and hardware now exports nothing but wisdom. You + see before you, madam, a man utterly weary of the week-end riverside + hotels of the Euphrates, the minstrels and pierrots on the sands of the + Persian Gulf, the toboggans and funiculars of the Hindoo Koosh. Can you + wonder that I turn, with a hungry heart, to the mystery and beauty of + these haunted islands, thronged with spectres from a magic past, made holy + by the footsteps of the wise men of the West. Consider this island on + which we stand, the last foothold of man on this side of the Atlantic: + this Ireland, described by the earliest bards as an emerald gem set in a + silver sea! Can I, a scion of the illustrious British race, ever forget + that when the Empire transferred its seat to the East, and said to the + turbulent Irish race which it had oppressed but never conquered, 'At last + we leave you to yourselves; and much good may it do you,' the Irish as one + man uttered the historic shout 'No: we'll be damned if you do,' and + emigrated to the countries where there was still a Nationalist question, + to India, Persia, and Corea, to Morocco, Tunis, and Tripoli. In these + countries they were ever foremost in the struggle for national + independence; and the world rang continually with the story of their + sufferings and wrongs. And what poem can do justice to the end, when it + came at last? Hardly two hundred years had elapsed when the claims of + nationality were so universally conceded that there was no longer a single + country on the face of the earth with a national grievance or a national + movement. Think of the position of the Irish, who had lost all their + political faculties by disuse except that of nationalist agitation, and + who owed their position as the most interesting race on earth solely to + their sufferings! The very countries they had helped to set free boycotted + them as intolerable bores. The communities which had once idolized them as + the incarnation of all that is adorable in the warm heart and witty brain, + fled from them as from a pestilence. To regain their lost prestige, the + Irish claimed the city of Jerusalem, on the ground that they were the lost + tribes of Israel; but on their approach the Jews abandoned the city and + redistributed themselves throughout Europe. It was then that these devoted + Irishmen, not one of whom had ever seen Ireland, were counselled by an + English Archbishop, the father of the oracles, to go back to their own + country. This had never once occurred to them, because there was nothing + to prevent them and nobody to forbid them. They jumped at the suggestion. + They landed here: here in Galway Bay, on this very ground. When they + reached the shore the older men and women flung themselves down and + passionately kissed the soil of Ireland, calling on the young to embrace + the earth that had borne their ancestors. But the young looked gloomily + on, and said 'There is no earth, only stone.' You will see by looking + round you why they said that: the fields here are of stone: the hills are + capped with granite. They all left for England next day; and no Irishman + ever again confessed to being Irish, even to his own children; so that + when that generation passed away the Irish race vanished from human + knowledge. And the dispersed Jews did the same lest they should be sent + back to Palestine. Since then the world, bereft of its Jews and its Irish, + has been a tame dull place. Is there no pathos for you in this story? Can + you not understand now why I am come to visit the scene of this tragic + effacement of a race of heroes and poets? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. We still tell our little children stories like that, to help them to + understand. But such things do not happen really. That scene of the Irish + landing here and kissing the ground might have happened to a hundred + people. It couldn't have happened to a hundred thousand: you know that as + well as I do. And what a ridiculous thing to call people Irish because + they live in Ireland! you might as well call them Airish because they live + in air. They must be just the same as other people. Why do you shortlivers + persist in making up silly stories about the world and trying to act as if + they were true? Contact with truth hurts and frightens you: you escape + from it into an imaginary vacuum in which you can indulge your desires and + hopes and loves and hates without any obstruction from the solid facts of + life. You love to throw dust in your own eyes. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. It is my turn now, madam, to inform you that I do + not understand a single word you are saying. I should have thought that + the use of a vacuum for removing dust was a mark of civilization rather + than of savagery. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>giving him up as hopeless</i>] Oh, Daddy, Daddy: I can hardly + believe that you are human, you are so stupid. It was well said of your + people in the olden days, 'Dust thou art; and to dust thou shalt return.' + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>nobly</i>] My body is dust, madam: not my soul. + What does it matter what my body is made of? the dust of the ground, the + particles of the air, or even the slime of the ditch? The important thing + is that when my Creator took it, whatever it was, He breathed into its + nostrils the breath of life; and Man became a living soul. Yes, madam, a + living soul. I am not the dust of the ground: I am a living soul. That is + an exalting, a magnificent thought. It is also a great scientific fact. I + am not interested in the chemicals and the microbes: I leave them to the + chumps and noodles, to the blockheads and the muckrakers who are incapable + of their own glorious destiny, and unconscious of their own divinity. They + tell me there are leucocytes in my blood, and sodium and carbon in my + flesh. I thank them for the information, and tell them that there are + blackbeetles in my kitchen, washing soda in my laundry, and coal in my + cellar. I do not deny their existence; but I keep them in their proper + place, which is not, if I may be allowed to use an antiquated form of + expression, the temple of the Holy Ghost. No doubt you think me behind the + times; but I rejoice in my enlightenment; and I recoil from your + ignorance, your blindness, your imbecility. Humanly I pity you. + Intellectually I despise you. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Bravo, Daddy! You have the root of the matter in you. You will not + die of discouragement after all. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I have not the smallest intention of doing so, + madam. I am no longer young; and I have moments of weakness; but when I + approach this subject the divine spark in me kindles and glows, the + corruptible becomes incorruptible, and the mortal Bolge Bluebin Barlow + puts on immortality. On this ground I am your equal, even if you survive + me by ten thousand years. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yes; but what do we know about this breath of life that puffs you up + so exaltedly? Just nothing. So let us shake hands as cultivated Agnostics, + and change the subject. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Cultivated fiddlesticks, madam! You cannot change + this subject until the heavens and the earth pass away. I am not an + Agnostic: I am a gentleman. When I believe a thing I say I believe it: + when I don't believe it I say I don't believe it. I do not shirk my + responsibilities by pretending that I know nothing and therefore can + believe nothing. We cannot disclaim knowledge and shirk responsibility. We + must proceed on assumptions of some sort or we cannot form a human + society. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. The assumptions must be scientific, Daddy. We must live by science in + the long run. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I have the utmost respect, madam, for the + magnificent discoveries which we owe to science. But any fool can make a + discovery. Every baby has to discover more in the first years of its life + than Roger Bacon ever discovered in his laboratory. When I was seven years + old I discovered the sting of the wasp. But I do not ask you to worship me + on that account. I assure you, madam, the merest mediocrities can discover + the most surprising facts about the physical universe as soon as they are + civilized enough to have time to study these things, and to invent + instruments and apparatus for research. But what is the consequence? Their + discoveries discredit the simple stories of our religion. At first we had + no idea of astronomical space. We believed the sky to be only the ceiling + of a room as large as the earth, with another room on top of it. Death was + to us a going upstairs into that room, or, if we did not obey the priests, + going downstairs into the coal cellar. We founded our religion, our + morality, our laws, our lessons, our poems, our prayers, on that simple + belief. Well, the moment men became astronomers and made telescopes, their + belief perished. When they could no longer believe in the sky, they found + that they could no longer believe in their Deity, because they had always + thought of him as living in the sky. When the priests themselves ceased to + believe in their Deity and began to believe in astronomy, they changed + their name and their dress, and called themselves doctors and men of + science. They set up a new religion in which there was no Deity, but only + wonders and miracles, with scientific instruments and apparatus as the + wonder workers. Instead of worshipping the greatness and wisdom of the + Deity, men gaped foolishly at the million billion miles of space and + worshipped the astronomer as infallible and omniscient. They built temples + for his telescopes. Then they looked into their own bodies with + microscopes, and found there, not the soul they had formerly believed in, + but millions of micro-organisms; so they gaped at these as foolishly as at + the millions of miles, and built microscope temples in which horrible + sacrifices were offered. They even gave their own bodies to be sacrificed + by the microscope man, who was worshipped, like the astronomer, as + infallible and omniscient. Thus our discoveries instead of increasing our + wisdom, only destroyed the little childish wisdom we had. All I can grant + you is that they increased our knowledge. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Nonsense! Consciousness of a fact is not knowledge of it: if it were, + the fish would know more of the sea than the geographers and the + naturalists. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. That is an extremely acute remark, madam. The + dullest fish could not possibly know less of the majesty of the ocean than + many geographers and naturalists of my acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Just so. And the greatest fool on earth, by merely looking at a + mariners' compass, may become conscious of the fact that the needle turns + always to the pole. Is he any the less a fool with that consciousness than + he was without it? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Only a more conceited one, madam, no doubt. Still, + I do not quite see how you can be aware of the existence of a thing + without knowing it. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Well, you can see a man without knowing him, can you not? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>illuminated</i>] Oh how true! Of course, of + course. There is a member of the Travellers' Club who has questioned the + veracity of an experience of mine at the South Pole. I see that man almost + every day when I am at home. But I refuse to know him. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. If you could see him much more distinctly through a magnifying glass, + or examine a drop of his blood through a microscope, or dissect out all + his organs and analyze them chemically, would you know him then? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Certainly not. Any such investigation could only + increase the disgust with which he inspires me, and make me more + determined than ever not to know him on any terms. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yet you would be much more conscious of him, would you not? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I should not allow that to commit me to any + familiarity with the fellow. I have been twice at the Summer Sports at the + South Pole; and this man pretended he had been to the North Pole, which + can hardly be said to exist, as it is in the middle of the sea. He + declared he had hung his hat on it. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>laughing</i>] He knew that travellers are amusing only when they + are telling lies. Perhaps if you looked at that man through a microscope + you would find some good in him. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I do not want to find any good in him. Besides, + madam, what you have just said encourages me to utter an opinion of mine + which is so advanced! so intellectually daring! that I have never ventured + to confess to it before, lest I should be imprisoned for blasphemy, or + even burnt alive. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Indeed! What opinion is that? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>after looking cautiously round</i>] I do not + approve of microscopes. I never have. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You call that advanced! Oh, Daddy, that is pure obscurantism. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Call it so if you will, madam; but I maintain that + it is dangerous to shew too much to people who do not know what they are + looking at. I think that a man who is sane as long as he looks at the + world through his own eyes is very likely to become a dangerous madman if + he takes to looking at the world through telescopes and microscopes. Even + when he is telling fairy stories about giants and dwarfs, the giants had + better not be too big nor the dwarfs too small and too malicious. Before + the microscope came, our fairy stories only made the children's flesh + creep pleasantly, and did not frighten grown-up persons at all. But the + microscope men terrified themselves and everyone else out of their wits + with the invisible monsters they saw: poor harmless little things that die + at the touch of a ray of sunshine, and are themselves the victims of all + the diseases they are supposed to produce! Whatever the scientific people + may say, imagination without microscopes was kindly and often courageous, + because it worked on things of which it had some real knowledge. But + imagination with microscopes, working on a terrifying spectacle of + millions of grotesque creatures of whose nature it had no knowledge, + became a cruel, terror-stricken, persecuting delirium. Are you aware, + madam, that a general massacre of men of science took place in the + twenty-first century of the pseudo-Christian era, when all their + laboratories were demolished, and all their apparatus destroyed? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yes: the shortlived are as savage in their advances as in their + relapses. But when Science crept back, it had been taught its place. The + mere collectors of anatomical or chemical facts were not supposed to know + more about Science than the collector of used postage stamps about + international trade or literature. The scientific terrorist who was afraid + to use a spoon or a tumbler until he had dipt it in some poisonous acid to + kill the microbes, was no longer given titles, pensions, and monstrous + powers over the bodies of other people: he was sent to an asylum, and + treated there until his recovery. But all that is an old story: the + extension of life to three hundred years has provided the human race with + capable leaders, and made short work of such childish stuff. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>pettishly</i>] You seem to credit every advance + in civilization to your inordinately long lives. Do you not know that this + question was familiar to men who died before they had reached my own age? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Oh yes: one or two of them hinted at it in a feeble way. An ancient + writer whose name has come down to us in several forms, such as + Shakespear, Shelley, Sheridan, and Shoddy, has a remarkable passage about + your dispositions being horridly shaken by thoughts beyond the reaches of + your souls. That does not come to much, does it? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. At all events, madam, I may remind you, if you come + to capping ages, that whatever your secondaries and tertiaries may be, you + are younger than I am. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yes, Daddy; but it is not the number of years we have behind us, but + the number we have before us, that makes us careful and responsible and + determined to find out the truth about everything. What does it matter to + you whether anything is true or not? your flesh is as grass: you come up + like a flower, and wither in your second childhood. A lie will last your + time: it will not last mine. If I knew I had to die in twenty years it + would not be worth my while to educate myself: I should not bother about + anything but having a little pleasure while I lasted. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Young woman: you are mistaken. Shortlived as we + are, we—the best of us, I mean—regard civilization and + learning, art and science, as an ever-burning torch, which passes from the + hand of one generation to the hand of the next, each generation kindling + it to a brighter, prouder flame. Thus each lifetime, however short, + contributes a brick to a vast and growing edifice, a page to a sacred + volume, a chapter to a Bible, a Bible to a literature. We may be insects; + but like the coral insect we build islands which become continents: like + the bee we store sustenance for future communities. The individual + perishes; but the race is immortal. The acorn of today is the oak of the + next millennium. I throw my stone on the cairn and die; but later comers + add another stone and yet another; and lo! a mountain. I— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>interrupts him by laughing heartily at him</i>]!!!!!! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>with offended dignity</i>] May I ask what I have + said that calls for this merriment? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, you are a funny little man, with your + torches, and your flames, and your bricks and edifices and pages and + volumes and chapters and coral insects and bees and acorns and stones and + mountains. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Metaphors, madam. Metaphors merely. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Images, images, images. I was talking about men, not about images. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I was illustrating—not, I hope, quite + infelicitously—the great march of Progress. I was shewing you how, + shortlived as we orientals are, mankind gains in stature from generation + to generation, from epoch to epoch, from barbarism to civilization, from + civilization to perfection. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I see. The father grows to be six feet high, and hands on his six + feet to his son, who adds another six feet and becomes twelve feet high, + and hands his twelve feet on to his son, who is full-grown at eighteen + feet, and so on. In a thousand years you would all be three or four miles + high. At that rate your ancestors Bilge and Bluebeard, whom you call + giants, must have been about quarter of an inch high. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I am not here to bandy quibbles and paradoxes with + a girl who blunders over the greatest names in history. I am in earnest. I + am treating a solemn theme seriously. I never said that the son of a man + six feet high would be twelve feet high. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You didn't mean that? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Most certainly not. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Then you didn't mean anything. Now listen to me, you little ephemeral + thing. I knew quite well what you meant by your torch handed on from + generation to generation. But every time that torch is handed on, it dies + down to the tiniest spark; and the man who gets it can rekindle it only by + his own light. You are no taller than Bilge or Bluebeard; and you are no + wiser. Their wisdom, such as it was, perished with them: so did their + strength, if their strength ever existed outside your imagination. I do + not know how old you are: you look about five hundred— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Five hundred! Really, madam— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>continuing</i>]; but I know, of course, that you are an ordinary + shortliver. Well, your wisdom is only such wisdom as a man can have before + he has had experience enough to distinguish his wisdom from his folly, his + destiny from his delusions, his— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. In short, such wisdom as your own. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. No, no, no, no. How often must I tell you that we are made wise not + by the recollections of our past, but by the responsibilities of our + future. I shall be more reckless when I am a tertiary than I am today. If + you cannot understand that, at least you must admit that I have learnt + from tertiaries. I have seen their work and lived under their + institutions. Like all young things I rebelled against them; and in their + hunger for new lights and new ideas they listened to me and encouraged me + to rebel. But my ways did not work; and theirs did; and they were able to + tell me why. They have no power over me except that power: they refuse all + other power; and the consequence is that there are no limits to their + power except the limits they set themselves. You are a child governed by + children, who make so many mistakes and are so naughty that you are in + continual rebellion against them; and as they can never convince you that + they are right: they can govern you only by beating you, imprisoning you, + torturing you, killing you if you disobey them without being strong enough + to kill or torture them. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. That may be an unfortunate fact. I condemn it and + deplore it. But our minds are greater than the facts. We know better. The + greatest ancient teachers, followed by the galaxy of Christs who arose in + the twentieth century, not to mention such comparatively modern spiritual + leaders as Blitherinjam, Tosh, and Spiffkins, all taught that punishment + and revenge, coercion and militarism, are mistakes, and that the golden + rule— + </p> + <p> + ZOO. [<i>interrupting</i>] Yes, yes, yes, Daddy: we longlived people know + that quite well. But did any of their disciples ever succeed in governing + you for a single day on their Christ-like principles? It is not enough to + know what is good: you must be able to do it. They couldn't do it because + they did not live long enough to find out how to do it, or to outlive the + childish passions that prevented them from really wanting to do it. You + know very well that they could only keep order—such as it was—by + the very coercion and militarism they were denouncing and deploring. They + had actually to kill one another for preaching their own gospel, or be + killed themselves. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. The blood of the martyrs, madam, is the seed of the + Church. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. More images, Daddy! The blood of the shortlived falls on stony + ground. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>rising, very testy</i>] You are simply mad on + the subject of longevity. I wish you would change it. It is rather + personal and in bad taste. Human nature is human nature, longlived or + shortlived, and always will be. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Then you give up the idea of progress? You cry off the torch, and the + brick, and the acorn, and all the rest of it? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I do nothing of the sort. I stand for progress and + for freedom broadening down from precedent to precedent. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You are certainly a true Briton. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I am proud of it. But in your mouth I feel that the + compliment hides some insult; so I do not thank you for it. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. All I meant was that though Britons sometimes say quite clever things + and deep things as well as silly and shallow things, they always forget + them ten minutes after they have uttered them. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Leave it at that, madam: leave it at that. [<i>He + sits down again</i>]. Even a Pope is not expected to be continually + pontificating. Our flashes of inspiration shew that our hearts are in the + right place. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Of course. You cannot keep your heart in any place but the right + place. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Tcha! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. But you can keep your hands in the wrong place. In your neighbor's + pockets, for example. So, you see, it is your hands that really matter. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>exhausted</i>] Well, a woman must have the last + word. I will not dispute it with you. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Good. Now let us go back to the really interesting subject of our + discussion. You remember? The slavery of the shortlived to images and + metaphors. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>aghast</i>] Do you mean to say, madam, that + after having talked my head off, and reduced me to despair and silence by + your intolerable loquacity, you actually propose to begin all over again? + I shall leave you at once. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You must not. I am your nurse; and you must stay with me. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I absolutely decline to do anything of the sort [<i>he + rises and walks away with marked dignity</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>using her tuning-fork</i>] Zoo on Burrin Pier to Oracle Police at + Ennistymon have you got me?... What?... I am picking you up now but you + are flat to my pitch.... Just a shade sharper.... That's better: still a + little more.... Got you: right. Isolate Burrin Pier quick. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>is heard to yell</i>] Oh! + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>still intoning</i>] Thanks.... Oh nothing serious I am nursing a + shortliver and the silly creature has run away he has discouraged himself + very badly by gadding about and talking to secondaries and I must keep him + strictly to heel. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Elderly Gentleman returns, indignant.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Here he is you can release the Pier thanks. Goodbye. [<i>She puts up + her tuning-fork</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. This is outrageous. When I tried to step off the + pier on to the road, I received a shock, followed by an attack of pins and + needles which ceased only when I stepped back on to the stones. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yes: there is an electric hedge there. It is a very old and very + crude method of keeping animals from straying. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. We are perfectly familiar with it in Baghdad, + madam; but I little thought I should live to have it ignominiously applied + to myself. You have actually Kiplingized me. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Kiplingized! What is that? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. About a thousand years ago there were two authors + named Kipling. One was an eastern and a writer of merit: the other, being + a western, was of course only an amusing barbarian. He is said to have + invented the electric hedge. I consider that in using it on me you have + taken a very great liberty. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What is a liberty? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>exasperated</i>] I shall not explain, madam. I + believe you know as well as I do. [<i>He sits down on the bollard in + dudgeon</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. No: even you can tell me things I do not know. Havnt you noticed that + all the time you have been here we have been asking you questions? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Noticed it! It has almost driven me mad. Do you see + my white hair? It was hardly grey when I landed: there were patches of its + original auburn still distinctly discernible. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. That is one of the symptoms of discouragement. But have you noticed + something much more important to yourself: that is, that you have never + asked us any questions, although we know so much more than you do? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I am not a child, madam. I believe I have had + occasion to say that before. And I am an experienced traveller. I know + that what the traveller observes must really exist, or he could not + observe it. But what the natives tell him is invariably pure fiction. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Not here, Daddy. With us life is too long for telling lies. They all + get found out. Youd better ask me questions while you have the chance. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. If I have occasion to consult the oracle I shall + address myself to a proper one: to a tertiary: not to a primary flapper + playing at being an oracle. If you are a nurserymaid, attend to your + duties; and do not presume to ape your elders. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. [<i>rising ominously and reddening</i>] You silly— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>thundering</i>] Silence! Do you hear! Hold your + tongue. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Something very disagreeable is happening to me. I feel hot all over. + I have a horrible impulse to injure you. What have you done to me? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>triumphant</i>] Aha! I have made you blush. Now + you know what blushing means. Blushing with shame! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Whatever you are doing, it is something so utterly evil that if you + do not stop I will kill you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>apprehending his danger</i>] Doubtless you think + it safe to threaten an old man— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>fiercely</i>] Old! You are a child: an evil child. We kill evil + children here. We do it even against our own wills by instinct. Take care. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>rising with crestfallen courtesy</i>] I did not + mean to hurt your feelings. I—[<i>swallowing the apology with an + effort</i>] I beg your pardon. [<i>He takes off his hat, and bows</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What does that mean? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I withdraw what I said. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. How can you withdraw what you said? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I can say no more than that I am sorry. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You have reason to be. That hideous sensation you gave me is + subsiding; but you have had a very narrow escape. Do not attempt to kill + me again; for at the first sign in your voice or face I shall strike you + dead. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. <i>I</i> attempt to kill you! What a monstrous + accusation! + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>frowns</i>]! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>prudently correcting himself</i>] I mean + misunderstanding. I never dreamt of such a thing. Surely you cannot + believe that I am a murderer. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I know you are a murderer. It is not merely that you threw words at + me as if they were stones, meaning to hurt me. It was the instinct to kill + that you roused in me. I did not know it was in my nature: never before + has it wakened and sprung out at me, warning me to kill or be killed. I + must now reconsider my whole political position. I am no longer a + Conservative. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>dropping his hat</i>] Gracious Heavens! you have + lost your senses. I am at the mercy of a madwoman: I might have known it + from the beginning. I can bear no more of this. [<i>Offering his chest for + the sacrifice</i>] Kill me at once; and much good may my death do you! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. It would be useless unless all the other shortlivers were killed at + the same time. Besides, it is a measure which should be taken politically + and constitutionally, not privately. However, I am prepared to discuss it + with you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No, no, no. I had much rather discuss your + intention of withdrawing from the Conservative party. How the + Conservatives have tolerated your opinions so far is more than I can + imagine: I can only conjecture that you have contributed very liberally to + the party funds. [<i>He picks up his hat, and sits down again</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Do not babble so senselessly: our chief political controversy is the + most momentous in the world for you and your like. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>interested</i>] Indeed? Pray, may I ask what it + is? I am a keen politician, and may perhaps be of some use. [<i>He puts on + his hat, cocking it slightly</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. We have two great parties: the Conservative party and the + Colonization party. The Colonizers are of opinion that we should increase + our numbers and colonize. The Conservatives hold that we should stay as we + are, confined to these islands, a race apart, wrapped up in the majesty of + our wisdom on a soil held as holy ground for us by an adoring world, with + our sacred frontier traced beyond dispute by the sea. They contend that it + is our destiny to rule the world, and that even when we were shortlived we + did so. They say that our power and our peace depend on our remoteness, + our exclusiveness, our separation, and the restriction of our numbers. + Five minutes ago that was my political faith. Now I do not think there + should be any shortlived people at all. [<i>She throws herself again + carelessly on the sacks</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Am I to infer that you deny my right to live + because I allowed myself—perhaps injudiciously—to give you a + slight scolding? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Is it worth living for so short a time? Are you any good to yourself? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>stupent</i>] Well, upon my soul! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. It is such a very little soul. You only encourage the sin of pride in + us, and keep us looking down at you instead of up to something higher than + ourselves. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Is not that a selfish view, madam? Think of the + good you do us by your oracular counsels! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What good have our counsels ever done you? You come to us for advice + when you know you are in difficulties. But you never know you are in + difficulties until twenty years after you have made the mistakes that led + to them; and then it is too late. You cannot understand our advice: you + often do more mischief by trying to act on it than if you had been left to + your own childish devices. If you were not childish you would not come to + us at all: you would learn from experience that your consultations of the + oracle are never of any real help to you. You draw wonderful imaginary + pictures of us, and write fictitious tales and poems about our beneficent + operations in the past, our wisdom, our justice, our mercy: stories in + which we often appear as sentimental dupes of your prayers and sacrifices; + but you do it only to conceal from yourselves the truth that you are + incapable of being helped by us. Your Prime Minister pretends that he has + come to be guided by the oracle; but we are not deceived: we know quite + well that he has come here so that when he goes back he may have the + authority and dignity of one who has visited the holy islands and spoken + face to face with the ineffable ones. He will pretend that all the + measures he wishes to take for his own purposes have been enjoined on him + by the oracle. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. But you forget that the answers of the oracle + cannot be kept secret or misrepresented. They are written and promulgated. + The Leader of the Opposition can obtain copies. All the nations know them. + Secret diplomacy has been totally abolished. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yes: you publish documents; but they are garbled or forged. And even + if you published our real answers it would make no difference, because the + shortlived cannot interpret the plainest writings. Your scriptures command + you in the plainest terms to do exactly the contrary of everything your + own laws and chosen rulers command and execute. You cannot defy Nature. It + is a law of Nature that there is a fixed relation between conduct and + length of life. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I have never heard of any such law, madam. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Well, you are hearing of it now. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Let me tell you that we shortlivers, as you call + us, have lengthened our lives very considerably. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. How? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. By saving time. By enabling men to cross the ocean + in an afternoon, and to see and speak to one another when they are + thousands of miles apart. We hope shortly to organize their labor, and + press natural forces into their service, so scientifically that the burden + of labor will cease to be perceptible, leaving common men more leisure + than they will know what to do with. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Daddy: the man whose life is lengthened in this way may be busier + than a savage; but the difference between such men living seventy years + and those living three hundred would be all the greater; for to a + shortliver increase of years is only increase of sorrow; but to a + long-liver every extra year is a prospect which forces him to stretch his + faculties to the utmost to face it. Therefore I say that we who live three + hundred years can be of no use to you who live less than a hundred, and + that our true destiny is not to advise and govern you, but to supplant and + supersede you. In that faith I now declare myself a Colonizer and an + Exterminator. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Oh, steady! steady! Pray! pray! Reflect, I implore + you. It is possible to colonize without exterminating the natives. Would + you treat us less mercifully than our barbarous forefathers treated the + Redskin and the Negro? Are we not, as Britons, entitled at least to some + reservations? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What is the use of prolonging the agony? You would perish slowly in + our presence, no matter what we did to preserve you. You were almost dead + when I took charge of you today, merely because you had talked for a few + minutes to a secondary. Besides, we have our own experience to go upon. + Have you never heard that our children occasionally revert to the + ancestral type, and are born shortlived? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>eagerly</i>] Never. I hope you will not be + offended if I say that it would be a great comfort to me if I could be + placed in charge of one of those normal individuals. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Abnormal, you mean. What you ask is impossible: we weed them all out. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. When you say that you weed them out, you send a + cold shiver down my spine. I hope you don't mean that you—that you—that + you assist Nature in any way? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Why not? Have you not heard the saying of the Chinese sage Dee Ning, + that a good garden needs weeding? But it is not necessary for us to + interfere. We are naturally rather particular as to the conditions on + which we consent to live. One does not mind the accidental loss of an arm + or a leg or an eye: after all, no one with two legs is unhappy because he + has not three; so why should a man with one be unhappy because he has not + two? But infirmities of mind and temper are quite another matter. If one + of us has no self-control, or is too weak to bear the strain of our + truthful life without wincing, or is tormented by depraved appetites and + superstitions, or is unable to keep free from pain and depression, he + naturally becomes discouraged, and refuses to live. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Good Lord! Cuts his throat, do you mean? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. No: why should he cut his throat? He simply dies. He wants to. He is + out of countenance, as we call it. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Well!!! But suppose he is depraved enough not to + want to die, and to settle the difficulty by killing all the rest of you? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Oh, he is one of the thoroughly degenerate shortlivers whom we + occasionally produce. He emigrates. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. And what becomes of him then? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You shortlived people always think very highly of him. You accept him + as what you call a great man. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. You astonish me; and yet I must admit that what you + tell me accounts for a great deal of the little I know of the private life + of our great men. We must be very convenient to you as a dumping place for + your failures. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I admit that. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Good. Then if you carry out your plan of + colonization, and leave no shortlived countries in the world, what will + you do with your undesirables? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Kill them. Our tertiaries are not at all squeamish about killing. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Gracious Powers! + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>glancing up at the sun</i>] Come. It is just sixteen o'clock; and + you have to join your party at half-past in the temple in Galway. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>rising</i>] Galway! Shall I at last be able to + boast of having seen that magnificent city? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You will be disappointed: we have no cities. There is a temple of the + oracle: that is all. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Alas! and I came here to fulfil two long-cherished + dreams. One was to see Galway. It has been said, 'See Galway and die.' The + other was to contemplate the ruins of London. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Ruins! We do not tolerate ruins. Was London a place of any + importance? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>amazed</i>] What! London! It was the mightiest + city of antiquity. [<i>Rhetorically</i>] Situate just where the Dover Road + crosses the Thames, it— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>curtly interrupting</i>] There is nothing there now. Why should + anybody pitch on such a spot to live? The nearest houses are at a place + called Strand-on-the-Green: it is very old. Come. We shall go across the + water. [<i>She goes down the steps</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Sic transit gloria mundi! + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>from below</i>] What did you say? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>despairingly</i>] Nothing. You would not + understand. [<i>He goes down the steps</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT II + </h2> + <p> + <i>A courtyard before the columned portico of a temple. The temple door is + in the middle of the portico. A veiled and robed woman of majestic + carriage passes along behind the columns towards the entrance. From the + opposite direction a man of compact figure, clean-shaven, saturnine, and + self-centred: in short, very like Napoleon I, and wearing a military + uniform of Napoleonic cut, marches with measured steps; places his hand in + his lapel in the traditional manner; and fixes the woman with his eye. She + stops, her attitude expressing haughty amazement at his audacity. He is on + her right: she on his left.</i> + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>impressively</i>] I am the Man of Destiny. + </p> + <p> + THE VEILED WOMAN [<i>unimpressed</i>] How did you get in here? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. I walked in. I go on until I am stopped. I never am stopped. I + tell you I am the Man of Destiny. + </p> + <p> + THE VEILED WOMAN. You will be a man of very short destiny if you wander + about here without one of our children to guide you. I suppose you belong + to the Baghdad envoy. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. I came with him; but I do not belong to him. I belong to myself. + Direct me to the oracle if you can. If not, do not waste my time. + </p> + <p> + THE VEILED WOMAN. Your time, poor creature, is short. I will not waste it. + Your envoy and his party will be here presently. The consultation of the + oracle is arranged for them, and will take place according to the + prescribed ritual. You can wait here until they come [<i>she turns to go + into the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. I never wait. [<i>She stops</i>]. The prescribed ritual is, I + believe, the classical one of the pythoness on her tripod, the + intoxicating fumes arising from the abyss, the convulsions of the + priestess as she delivers the message of the God, and so on. That sort of + thing does not impose on me: I use it myself to impose on simpletons. I + believe that what is, is. I know that what is not, is not. The antics of a + woman sitting on a tripod and pretending to be drunk do not interest me. + Her words are put into her mouth, not by a god, but by a man three hundred + years old, who has had the capacity to profit by his experience. I wish to + speak to that man face to face, without mummery or imposture. + </p> + <p> + THE VEILED WOMAN. You seem to be an unusually sensible person. But there + is no old man. I am the oracle on duty today. I am on my way to take my + place on the tripod, and go through the usual mummery, as you rightly call + it, to impress your friend the envoy. As you are superior to that kind of + thing, you may consult me now. [<i>She leads the way into the middle of + the courtyard</i>]. What do you want to know? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>following her</i>] Madam: I have not come all this way to + discuss matters of State with a woman. I must ask you to direct me to one + of your oldest and ablest men. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. None of our oldest and ablest men or women would dream of + wasting their time on you. You would die of discouragement in their + presence in less than three hours. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. You can keep this idle fable of discouragement for people + credulous enough to be intimidated by it, madam. I do not believe in + metaphysical forces. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. No one asks you to. A field is something physical, is it not. + Well, I have a field. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. I have several million fields. I am Emperor of Turania. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. You do not understand. I am not speaking of an agricultural + field. Do you not know that every mass of matter in motion carries with it + an invisible gravitational field, every magnet an invisible magnetic + field, and every living organism a mesmeric field? Even you have a + perceptible mesmeric field. Feeble as it is, it is the strongest I have + yet observed in a shortliver. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. By no means feeble, madam. I understand you now; and I may tell + you that the strongest characters blench in my presence, and submit to my + domination. But I do not call that a physical force. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. What else do you call it, pray? Our physicists deal with it. + Our mathematicians express its measurements in algebraic equations. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Do you mean that they could measure mine? + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Yes: by a figure infinitely near to zero. Even in us the force + is negligible during our first century of life. In our second it develops + quickly, and becomes dangerous to shortlivers who venture into its field. + If I were not veiled and robed in insulating material you could not endure + my presence; and I am still a young woman: one hundred and seventy if you + wish to know exactly. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>folding his arms</i>] I am not intimidated: no woman alive, + old or young, can put me out of countenance. Unveil, madam. Disrobe. You + will move this temple as easily as shake me. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Very well [<i>she throws back her veil</i>]. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>shrieking, staggering, and covering his eyes</i>] No. Stop. + Hide your face again. [<i>Shutting his eyes and distractedly clutching at + his throat and heart</i>] Let me go. Help! I am dying. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Do you still wish to consult an older person? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. No, no. The veil, the veil, I beg you. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE [<i>replacing the veil</i>] So. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Ouf! One cannot always be at one's best. Twice before in my life + I have lost my nerve and behaved like a poltroon. But I warn you not to + judge my quality by these involuntary moments. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. I have no occasion to judge of your quality. You want my + advice. Speak quickly; or I shall go about my business. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>After a moment's hesitation, sinks respectfully on one knee</i>] + I— + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Oh, rise, rise. Are you so foolish as to offer me this mummery + which even you despise? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>rising</i>] I knelt in spite of myself. I compliment you on + your impressiveness, madam. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE [<i>impatiently</i>] Time! time! time! time! + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. You will not grudge me the necessary time, madam, when you know + my case. I am a man gifted with a certain specific talent in a degree + altogether extraordinary. I am not otherwise a very extraordinary person: + my family is not influential; and without this talent I should cut no + particular figure in the world. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Why cut a figure in the world? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Superiority will make itself felt, madam. But when I say I + possess this talent I do not express myself accurately. The truth is that + my talent possesses me. It is genius. It drives me to exercise it. I must + exercise it. I am great when I exercise it. At other moments I am nobody. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Well, exercise it. Do you need an oracle to tell you that? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Wait. This talent involves the shedding of human blood. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Are you a surgeon, or a dentist? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Psha! You do not appreciate me, madam. I mean the shedding of + oceans of blood, the death of millions of men. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. They object, I suppose. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Not at all. They adore me. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Indeed! + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. I have never shed blood with my own hand. They kill each other: + they die with shouts of triumph on their lips. Those who die cursing do + not curse me. My talent is to organize this slaughter; to give mankind + this terrible joy which they call glory; to let loose the devil in them + that peace has bound in chains. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. And you? Do you share their joy? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Not at all. What satisfaction is it to me to see one fool pierce + the entrails of another with a bayonet? I am a man of princely character, + but of simple personal tastes and habits. I have the virtues of a laborer: + industry and indifference to personal comfort. But I must rule, because I + am so superior to other men that it is intolerable to me to be misruled by + them. Yet only as a slayer can I become a ruler. I cannot be great as a + writer: I have tried and failed. I have no talent as a sculptor or + painter; and as lawyer, preacher, doctor, or actor, scores of second-rate + men can do as well as I, or better. I am not even a diplomatist: I can + only play my trump card of force. What I can do is to organize war. Look + at me! I seem a man like other men, because nine-tenths of me is common + humanity. But the other tenth is a faculty for seeing things as they are + that no other man possesses. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. You mean that you have no imagination? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>forcibly</i>] I mean that I have the only imagination worth + having: the power of imagining things as they are, even when I cannot see + them. You feel yourself my superior, I know: nay, you are my superior: + have I not bowed my knee to you by instinct? Yet I challenge you to a test + of our respective powers. Can you calculate what the methematicians call + vectors, without putting a single algebraic symbol on paper? Can you + launch ten thousand men across a frontier and a chain of mountains and + know to a mile exactly where they will be at the end of seven weeks? The + rest is nothing: I got it all from the books at my military school. Now + this great game of war, this playing with armies as other men play with + bowls and skittles, is one which I must go on playing, partly because a + man must do what he can and not what he would like to do, and partly + because, if I stop, I immediately lose my power and become a beggar in the + land where I now make men drunk with glory. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. No doubt then you wish to know how to extricate yourself from + this unfortunate position? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. It is not generally considered unfortunate, madam. Supremely + fortunate rather. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. If you think so, go on making them drunk with glory. Why + trouble me with their folly and your vectors? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Unluckily, madam, men are not only heroes: they are also + cowards. They desire glory; but they dread death. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Why should they? Their lives are too short to be worth living. + That is why they think your game of war worth playing. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. They do not look at it quite in that way. The most worthless + soldier wants to live for ever. To make him risk being killed by the enemy + I have to convince him that if he hesitates he will inevitably be shot at + dawn by his own comrades for cowardice. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. And if his comrades refuse to shoot him? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. They will be shot too, of course. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. By whom? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. By their comrades. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. And if they refuse? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Up to a certain point they do not refuse. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. But when that point is reached, you have to do the shooting + yourself, eh? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Unfortunately, madam, when that point is reached, they shoot me. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Mf! It seems to me they might as well shoot you first as last. + Why don't they? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Because their love of fighting, their desire for glory, their + shame of being branded as dastards, their instinct to test themselves in + terrible trials, their fear of being killed or enslaved by the enemy, + their belief that they are defending their hearths and homes, overcome + their natural cowardice, and make them willing not only to risk their own + lives but to kill everyone who refuses to take that risk. But if war + continues too long, there comes a time when the soldiers, and also the + taxpayers who are supporting and munitioning them, reach a condition which + they describe as being fed up. The troops have proved their courage, and + want to go home and enjoy in peace the glory it has earned them. Besides, + the risk of death for each soldier becomes a certainty if the fighting + goes on for ever: he hopes to escape for six months, but knows he cannot + escape for six years. The risk of bankruptcy for the citizen becomes a + certainty in the same way. Now what does this mean for me? + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Does that matter in the midst of such calamity? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. Psha! madam: it is the only thing that matters: the value of + human life is the value of the greatest living man. Cut off that + infinitesimal layer of grey matter which distinguishes my brain from that + of the common man, and you cut down the stature of humanity from that of a + giant to that of a nobody. I matter supremely: my soldiers do not matter + at all: there are plenty more where they came from. If you kill me, or put + a stop to my activity (it is the same thing), the nobler part of human + life perishes. You must save the world from that catastrophe, madam. War + has made me popular, powerful, famous, historically immortal. But I + foresee that if I go on to the end it will leave me execrated, dethroned, + imprisoned, perhaps executed. Yet if I stop fighting I commit suicide as a + great man and become a common one. How am I to escape the horns of this + tragic dilemma? Victory I can guarantee: I am invincible. But the cost of + victory is the demoralization, the depopulation, the ruin of the victors + no less than of the vanquished. How am I to satisfy my genius by fighting + until I die? that is my question to you. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Were you not rash to venture into these sacred islands with + such a question on your lips? Warriors are not popular here, my friend. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. If a soldier were restrained by such a consideration, madam, he + would no longer be a soldier. Besides [<i>he produces a pistol</i>], I + have not come unarmed. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. What is that thing? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. It is an instrument of my profession, madam. I raise this + hammer; I point the barrel at you; I pull this trigger that is against my + forefinger; and you fall dead. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Shew it to me [<i>she puts out her hand to take it from him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>retreating a step</i>] Pardon me, madam. I never trust my + life in the hands of a person over whom I have no control. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE [<i>sternly</i>] Give it to me [<i>she raises her hand to her + veil</i>]. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>dropping the pistol and covering his eyes</i>] Quarter! + Kamerad! Take it, madam [<i>he kicks it towards her</i>]: I surrender. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Give me that thing. Do you expect me to stoop for it? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>taking his hands from his eyes with an effort</i>] A poor + victory, madam [<i>he picks up the pistol and hands it to her</i>]: there + was no vector strategy needed to win it. [Making a pose of his + humiliation] But enjoy your triumph: you have made me—ME! Cain + Adamson Charles Napoleon! Emperor of Turania! cry for quarter. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. The way out of your difficulty, Cain Adamson, is very simple. + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>eagerly</i>] Good. What is it? + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. To die before the tide of glory turns. Allow me [<i>she shoots + him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>He falls with a shriek. She throws the pistol away and goes haughtily + into the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON [<i>scrambling to his feet</i>] Murderess! Monster! She-devil! + Unnatural, inhuman wretch! You deserve to be hanged, guillotined, broken + on the wheel, burnt alive. No sense of the sacredness of human life! No + thought for my wife and children! Bitch! Sow! Wanton! [<i>He picks up the + pistol</i>]. And missed me at five yards! Thats a woman all over. + </p> + <p> + <i>He is going away whence he came when Zoo arrives and confronts him at + the head of a party consisting of the British Envoy, the Elderly + Gentleman, the Envoy's wife, and her daughter, aged about eighteen. The + envoy, a typical politician, looks like an imperfectly reformed criminal + disguised by a good tailor. The dress of the ladies is coeval with that of + the Elderly Gentleman, and suitable for public official ceremonies in + western capitals at the XVIII-XIX fin de siècle.</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>They file in under the portico. Zoo immediately comes out imperiously + to Napoleon's right, whilst the Envoy's wife hurries effusively to his + left. The Envoy meanwhile passes along behind the columns to the door, + followed by his daughter. The Elderly Gentleman stops just where he + entered, to see why Zoo has swooped so abruptly on the Emperor of Turania.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>to Napoleon, severely</i>] What are you doing here by yourself? + You have no business to go about here alone. What was that noise just now? + What is that in your hand? + </p> + <p> + <i>Napoleon glares at her in speechless fury; pockets the pistol; and + produces a whistle.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY'S WIFE. Arnt you coming with us to the oracle, sire? + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. To hell with the oracle, and with you too [<i>he turns to go</i>]! + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY'S WIFE} [<i>together</i>] {Oh, sire!! + </p> + <p> + ZOO} {Where are you going?} + </p> + <p> + NAPOLEON. To fetch the police. [<i>He goes out past Zoo, almost jostling + her, and blowing piercing blasts on his whistle</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>whipping out her tuning-fork and intoning</i>] Hallo Galway + Central. [<i>The whistling continues</i>]. Stand by to isolate. [<i>To the + Elderly Gentleman, who is staring after the whistling Emperor</i>] How far + has he gone? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. To that curious statue of a fat old man. + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>quickly, intoning</i>] Isolate the Falstaff monument isolate hard. + Paralyze—[<i>the whistling stops</i>]. Thank you. [<i>She puts up + her tuning-fork</i>]. He shall not move a muscle until I come to fetch + him. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY'S WIFE. Oh! he will be frightfully angry! Did you hear what he + said to me? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Much we care for his anger! + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER [<i>coming forward between her mother and Zoo</i>]. Please, + madam, whose statue is it? and where can I buy a picture postcard of it? + It is so funny. I will take a snapshot when we are coming back; but they + come out so badly sometimes. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. They will give you pictures and toys in the temple to take away with + you. The story of the statue is too long. It would bore you [<i>she goes + past them across the courtyard to get rid of them</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE [<i>gushing</i>] Oh no, I assure you. + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER [<i>copying her mother</i>] We should be so interested. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Nonsense! All I can tell you about it is that a thousand years ago, + when the whole world was given over to you shortlived people, there was a + war called the War to end War. In the war which followed it about ten + years later, hardly any soldiers were killed; but seven of the capital + cities of Europe were wiped out of existence. It seems to have been a + great joke: for the statesmen who thought they had sent ten million common + men to their deaths were themselves blown into fragments with their houses + and families, while the ten million men lay snugly in the caves they had + dug for themselves. Later on even the houses escaped; but their + inhabitants were poisoned by gas that spared no living soul. Of course the + soldiers starved and ran wild; and that was the end of pseudo-Christian + civilization. The last civilized thing that happened was that the + statesmen discovered that cowardice was a great patriotic virtue; and a + public monument was erected to its first preacher, an ancient and very fat + sage called Sir John Falstaff. Well [<i>pointing</i>], thats Falstaff. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>coming from the portico to his granddaughter's + right</i>] Great Heavens! And at the base of this monstrous poltroon's + statue the War God of Turania is now gibbering impotently. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Serve him right! War God indeed! + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>coming between his wife and Zoo</i>] I don't know any + history: a modern Prime Minister has something better to do than sit + reading books; but— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>interrupting him encouragingly</i>] You make + history, Ambrose. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Well, perhaps I do; and perhaps history makes me. I hardly + recognize myself in the newspapers sometimes, though I suppose leading + articles are the materials of history, as you might say. But what I want + to know is, how did war come back again? and how did they make those + poisonous gases you speak of? We should be glad to know; for they might + come in very handy if we have to fight Turania. Of course I am all for + peace, and don't hold with the race of armaments in principle; still, we + must keep ahead or be wiped out. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You can make the gases for yourselves when your chemists find out + how. Then you will do as you did before: poison each other until there are + no chemists left, and no civilization. You will then begin all over again + as half-starved ignorant savages, and fight with boomerangs and poisoned + arrows until you work up to the poison gases and high explosives once + more, with the same result. That is, unless we have sense enough to make + an end of this ridiculous game by destroying you. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>aghast</i>] Destroying us! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I told you, Ambrose. I warned you. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. But— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>impatiently</i>] I wonder what Zozim is doing. He ought to be here + to receive you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Do you mean that rather insufferable young man whom + you found boring me on the pier? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Yes. He has to dress-up in a Druid's robe, and put on a wig and a + long false beard, to impress you silly people. I have to put on a purple + mantle. I have no patience with such mummery; but you expect it from us; + so I suppose it must be kept up. Will you wait here until Zozim comes, + please [<i>she turns to enter the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. My good lady, is it worth while dressing-up and putting on + false beards for us if you tell us beforehand that it is all humbug? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. One would not think so; but if you wont believe in anyone who is not + dressed-up, why, we must dress-up for you. It was you who invented all + this nonsense, not we. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. But do you expect us to be impressed after this? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I don't expect anything. I know, as a matter of experience, that you + will be impressed. The oracle will frighten you out of your wits. [<i>She + goes into the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE. These people treat us as if we were dirt beneath their feet. I + wonder at you putting up with it, Amby. It would serve them right if we + went home at once: wouldnt it, Eth? + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER. Yes, mamma. But perhaps they wouldnt mind. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. No use talking like that, Molly. Ive got to see this oracle. + The folks at home wont know how we have been treated: all theyll know is + that Ive stood face to face with the oracle and had the straight tip from + her. I hope this Zozim chap is not going to keep us waiting much longer; + for I feel far from comfortable about the approaching interview; and thats + the honest truth. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I never thought I should want to see that man + again; but now I wish he would take charge of us instead of Zoo. She was + charming at first: quite charming; but she turned into a fiend because I + had a few words with her. You would not believe: she very nearly killed + me. You heard what she said just now. She belongs to a party here which + wants to have us all killed. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE [<i>terrified</i>] Us! But we have done nothing: we have been as + nice to them as nice could be. Oh, Amby, come away, come away: there is + something dreadful about this place and these people. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. There is, and no mistake. But youre safe with me: you ought to + have sense enough to know that. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I am sorry to say, Molly, that it is not merely us + four poor weak creatures they want to kill, but the entire race of Man, + except themselves. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Not so poor neither, Poppa. Nor so weak, if you are going to + take in all the Powers. If it comes to killing, two can play at that game, + longlived or shortlived. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No, Ambrose: we should have no chance. We are worms + beside these fearful people: mere worms. + </p> + <p> + <i>Zozim comes from the temple, robed majestically, and wearing a wreath + of mistletoe in his flowing white wig. His false beard reaches almost to + his waist. He carries a staff with a curiously carved top.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>in the doorway, impressively</i>] Hail, strangers! + </p> + <p> + ALL [<i>reverently</i>] Hail! + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. Are ye prepared? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. We are. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>unexpectedly becoming conversational, and strolling down + carelessly to the middle of the group between the two ladies</i>] Well, + I'm sorry to say the oracle is not. She was delayed by some member of your + party who got loose; and as the show takes a bit of arranging, you will + have to wait a few minutes. The ladies can go inside and look round the + entrance hall and get pictures and things if they want them. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE} [<i>together</i>] {Thank you.} {I should like to,} [<i>They go + into</i>] + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER} {very much.} [<i>the temple</i>] + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>in dignified rebuke of Zozim's levity</i>] Taken + in this spirit, sir, the show, as you call it, becomes almost an insult to + our common sense. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. Quite, I should say. You need not keep it up with me. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>suddenly making himself very agreeable</i>] Just so: just + so. We can wait as long as you please. And now, if I may be allowed to + seize the opportunity of a few minutes' friendly chat—? + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. By all means, if only you will talk about things I can understand. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Well, about this colonizing plan of yours. My father-in-law + here has been telling me something about it; and he has just now let out + that you want not only to colonize us, but to—to—to—well, + shall we say to supersede us? Now why supersede us? Why not live and let + live? Theres not a scrap of ill-feeling on our side. We should welcome a + colony of immortals—we may almost call you that—in the British + Middle East. No doubt the Turanian Empire, with its Mahometan traditions, + overshadows us now. We have had to bring the Emperor with us on this + expedition, though of course you know as well as I do that he has imposed + himself on my party just to spy on me. I dont deny that he has the whip + hand of us to some extent, because if it came to a war none of our + generals could stand up against him. I give him best at that game: he is + the finest soldier in the world. Besides, he is an emperor and an + autocrat; and I am only an elected representative of the British + democracy. Not that our British democrats wont fight: they will fight the + heads off all the Turanians that ever walked; but then it takes so long to + work them up to it, while he has only to say the word and march. But you + people would never get on with him. Believe me, you would not be as + comfortable in Turania as you would be with us. We understand you. We like + you. We are easy-going people; and we are rich people. That will appeal to + you. Turania is a poor place when all is said. Five-eighths of it is + desert. They dont irrigate as we do. Besides—now I am sure this will + appeal to you and to all right-minded men—we are Christians. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. The old uns prefer Mahometans. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>shocked</i>] What! + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>distinctly</i>] They prefer Mahometans. Whats wrong with that? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Well, of all the disgraceful— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>diplomatically interrupting his scandalized + son-in-law</i>] There can be no doubt, I am afraid, that by clinging too + long to the obsolete features of the old pseudo-Christian Churches we + allowed the Mahometans to get ahead of us at a very critical period of the + development of the Eastern world. When the Mahometan Reformation took + place, it left its followers with the enormous advantage of having the + only established religion in the world in whose articles of faith any + intelligent and educated person could believe. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. But what about our Reformation? Dont give the show away, Poppa. + We followed suit, didnt we? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Unfortunately, Ambrose, we could not follow suit + very rapidly. We had not only a religion to deal with, but a Church. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. What is a Church? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Not know what a Church is! Well! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. You must excuse me; but if I attempted to explain + you would only ask me what a bishop is; and that is a question that no + mortal man can answer. All I can tell you is that Mahomet was a truly wise + man; for he founded a religion without a Church; consequently when the + time came for a Reformation of the mosques there were no bishops and + priests to obstruct it. Our bishops and priests prevented us for two + hundred years from following suit; and we have never recovered the start + we lost then. I can only plead that we did reform our Church at last. No + doubt we had to make a few compromises as a matter of good taste; but + there is now very little in our Articles of Religion that is not accepted + as at least allegorically true by our Higher Criticism. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>encouragingly</i>] Besides, does it matter? Why, <i>I</i> + have never read the Articles in my life; and I am Prime Minister! Come! if + my services in arranging for the reception of a colonizing party would be + acceptable, they are at your disposal. And when I say a reception I mean a + reception. Royal honors, mind you! A salute of a hundred and one guns! The + streets lined with troops! The Guards turned out at the Palace! Dinner at + the Guildhall! + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. Discourage me if I know what youre talking about! I wish Zoo would + come: she understands these things. All I can tell you is that the general + opinion among the Colonizers is in favor of beginning in a country where + the people are of a different color from us; so that we can make short + work without any risk of mistakes. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. What do you mean by short work? I hope— + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>with obviously feigned geniality</i>] Oh, nothing, nothing, + nothing. We are thinking of trying North America: thats all. You see, the + Red Men of that country used to be white. They passed through a period of + sallow complexions, followed by a period of no complexions at all, into + the red characteristic of their climate. Besides, several cases of long + life have occurred in North America. They joined us here; and their stock + soon reverted to the original white of these islands. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. But have you considered the possibility of your + colony turning red? + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. That wont matter. We are not particular about our pigmentation. The + old books mention red-faced Englishmen: they appear to have been common + objects at one time. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>very persuasively</i>] But do you think you + would be popular in North America? It seems to me, if I may say so, that + on your own shewing you need a country in which society is organized in a + series of highly exclusive circles, in which the privacy of private life + is very jealously guarded, and in which no one presumes to speak to anyone + else without an introduction following a strict examination of social + credentials. It is only in such a country that persons of special tastes + and attainments can form a little world of their own, and protect + themselves absolutely from intrusion by common persons. I think I may + claim that our British society has developed this exclusiveness to + perfection. If you would pay us a visit and see the working of our caste + system, our club system, our guild system, you would admit that nowhere + else in the world, least of all, perhaps in North America, which has a + regrettable tradition of social promiscuity, could you keep yourselves so + entirely to yourselves. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>good-naturedly embarrassed</i>] Look here. There is no good + discussing this. I had rather not explain; but it wont make any difference + to our Colonizers what sort of short-livers they come across. We shall + arrange all that. Never mind how. Let us join the ladies. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>throwing off his diplomatic attitude and + abandoning himself to despair</i>] We understand you only too well, sir. + Well, kill us. End the lives you have made miserably unhappy by opening up + to us the possibility that any of us may live three hundred years. I + solemnly curse that possibility. To you it may be a blessing, because you + do live three hundred years. To us, who live less than a hundred, whose + flesh is as grass, it is the most unbearable burden our poor tortured + humanity has ever groaned under. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Hullo, Poppa! Steady! How do you make that out? + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. What is three hundred years? Short enough, if you ask me. Why, in + the old days you people lived on the assumption that you were going to + last out for ever and ever and ever. Immortal, you thought yourselves. + Were you any happier then? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. As President of the Baghdad Historical Society I am + in a position to inform you that the communities which took this monstrous + pretension seriously were the most wretched of which we have any record. + My Society has printed an editio princeps of the works of the father of + history, Thucyderodotus Macolly-buckle. Have you read his account of what + was blasphemously called the Perfect City of God, and the attempt made to + reproduce it in the northern part of these islands by Jonhobsnoxius, + called the Leviathan? Those misguided people sacrificed the fragment of + life that was granted to them to an imaginary immortality. They crucified + the prophet who told them to take no thought for the morrow, and that here + and now was their Australia: Australia being a term signifying paradise, + or an eternity of bliss. They tried to produce a condition of death in + life: to mortify the flesh, as they called it. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. Well, you are not suffering from that, are you? You have not a + mortified air. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Naturally we are not absolutely insane and + suicidal. Nevertheless we impose on ourselves abstinences and disciplines + and studies that are meant to prepare us for living three centuries. And + we seldom live one. My childhood was made unnecessarily painful, my + boyhood unnecessarily laborious, by ridiculous preparations for a length + of days which the chances were fifty thousand to one against my ever + attaining. I have been cheated out of the natural joys and freedoms of my + life by this dream to which the existence of these islands and their + oracles gives a delusive possibility of realization. I curse the day when + long life was invented, just as the victims of Jonhobsnoxius cursed the + day when eternal life was invented. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM. Pooh! You could live three centuries if you chose. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. That is what the fortunate always say to the + unfortunate. Well, I do not choose. I accept my three score and ten years. + If they are filled with usefulness, with justice, with mercy, with + good-will: if they are the lifetime of a soul that never loses its honor + and a brain that never loses its eagerness, they are enough for me, + because these things are infinite and eternal, and can make ten of my + years as long as thirty of yours. I shall not conclude by saying live as + long as you like and be damned to you, because I have risen for the moment + far above any ill-will to you or to any fellow-creature; but I am your + equal before that eternity in which the difference between your lifetime + and mine is as the difference between one drop of water and three in the + eyes of the Almighty Power from which we have both proceeded. + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>impressed</i>] You spoke that piece very well, Daddy. I couldnt + talk like that if I tried. It sounded fine. Ah! here comes the ladies. + </p> + <p> + <i>To his relief, they have just appeared on the threshold of the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>passing from exaltation to distress</i>] It + means nothing to him: in this land of discouragement the sublime has + become the ridiculous. [<i>Turning on the hopelessly puzzled Zozim</i>] + 'Behold, thou hast made my days as it were a span long; and mine age is + even as nothing in respect of thee.' + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE.} [<i>running</i>] {{Poppa, Poppa: dont look like that. + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER.}[<i>to him</i>] {Oh, granpa, whats the matter? + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>with a shrug</i>] Discouragement! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>throwing off the women with a superb gesture</i>] + Liar! [<i>Recollecting himself, he adds, with noble courtesy, raising his + hat and bowing</i>] I beg your pardon, sir; but I am NOT discouraged. + </p> + <p> + <i>A burst of orchestral music, through which a powerful gong sounds, is + heard from the temple. Zoo, in a purple robe, appears in the doorway.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Come. The oracle is ready. + </p> + <p> + <i>Zozim motions them to the threshold with a wave of his staff. The Envoy + and the Elderly Gentleman take off their hats and go into the temple on + tiptoe, Zoo leading the way. The Wife and Daughter, frightened as they + are, raise their heads uppishly and follow flatfooted, sustained by a + sense of their Sunday clothes and social consequence. Zozim remains in the + portico, alone.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOZIM [<i>taking off his wig, beard, and robe, and bundling them under his + arm</i>] Ouf! [He goes home]. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT III + </h2> + <p> + <i>Inside the temple. A gallery overhanging an abyss. Dead silence. The + gallery is brightly lighted; but beyond is a vast gloom, continually + changing in intensity. A shaft of violet light shoots upward; and a very + harmonious and silvery carillon chimes. When it ceases the violet ray + vanishes.</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>Zoo comes along the gallery, followed by the Envoy's daughter, his + wife, the Envoy himself, and the Elderly Gentleman. The two men are + holding their hats with the brims near their noses, as if prepared to pray + into them at a moment's notice. Zoo halts: they all follow her example. + They contemplate the void with awe. Organ music of the kind called sacred + in the nineteenth century begins. Their awe deepens. The violet ray, now a + diffused mist, rises again from the abyss.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE [<i>to Zoo, in a reverent whisper</i>] Shall we kneel? + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>loudly</i>] Yes, if you want to. You can stand on your head if you + like. [<i>She sits down carelessly on the gallery railing, with her back + to the abyss</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>jarred by her callousness</i>] We desire to + behave in a becoming manner. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Very well. Behave just as you feel. It doesn't matter how you behave. + But keep your wits about you when the pythoness ascends, or you will + forget the questions you have come to ask her. + </p> + + <table style="margin-left: 0.8em; border-collapse: collapse;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="border-right-style:solid; border-width: thin;">THE ENVOY</td> + <td rowspan="2">[<i>simul-<br />taneously</i>]</td> + <td style="border-left-style:solid; border-width: thin;">[<i>very nervous, takes out a paper to refresh his memory</i>] Ahem!</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="border-right-style:solid; border-width: thin;">THE DAUGHTER</td> + <td style="border-left-style:solid; border-width: thin;">[<i>alarmed</i>] The pythoness. Is she a snake?</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Tch-ch! The priestess of the oracle. A sybil. A + prophetess. Not a snake. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE. How awful! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I'm glad you think so. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE. Oh dear! Dont you think so? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. No. This sort of thing is got up to impress you, not to impress me. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I wish you would let it impress us, then, madam. I + am deeply impressed; but you are spoiling the effect. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You just wait. All this business with colored lights and chords on + that old organ is only tomfoolery. Wait til you see the pythoness. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Envoy's wife falls on her knees, and takes refuge in prayer.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER [<i>trembling</i>] Are we really going to see a woman who has + lived three hundred years? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Stuff! Youd drop dead if a tertiary as much as looked at you. The + oracle is only a hundred and seventy; and you'll find it hard enough to + stand her. + </p> + <p> + THE DAUGHTER [<i>piteously</i>] Oh! [<i>she falls on her knees</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Whew! Stand by me, Poppa. This is a little more than I + bargained for. Are you going to kneel; or how? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Perhaps it would be in better taste. + </p> + <p> + <i>The two men kneel.</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>The vapor of the abyss thickens; and a distant roll of thunder seems to + come from its depths. The pythoness, seated on her tripod, rises slowly + from it. She has discarded the insulating robe and veil in which she + conversed with Napoleon, and is now draped and hooded in voluminous folds + of a single piece of grey-white stuff. Something supernatural about her + terrifies the beholders, who throw themselves on their faces. Her outline + flows and waves: she is almost distinct at moments, and again vague and + shadowy: above all, she is larger than life-size, not enough to be + measured by the flustered congregation, but enough to affect them with a + dreadful sense of her supernaturalness.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Get up, get up. Do pull yourselves together, you people. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Envoy and his family, by shuddering negatively, intimate that it is + impossible. The Elderly Gentleman manages to get on his hands and knees.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Come on, Daddy: you are not afraid. Speak to her. She wont wait here + all day for you, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>rising very deferentially to his feet</i>] + Madam: you will excuse my very natural nervousness in addressing, for the + first time in my life, a—a—a—a goddess. My friend and + relative the Envoy is unhinged. I throw myself upon your indulgence— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>interrupting him intolerantly</i>] Dont throw yourself on anything + belonging to her or you will go right through her and break your neck. She + isnt solid, like you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. I was speaking figuratively— + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You have been told not to do it. Ask her what you want to know; and + be quick about it. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>stooping and taking the prostrate Envoy by the + shoulders</i>] Ambrose: you must make an effort. You cannot go back to + Baghdad without the answers to your questions. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>rising to his knees</i>] I shall be only too glad to get + back alive on any terms. If my legs would support me I'd just do a bunk + straight for the ship. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No, no. Remember: your dignity— + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Dignity be damned! I'm terrified. Take me away, for God's sake. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>producing a brandy flask and taking the cap off</i>] + Try some of this. It is still nearly full, thank goodness! + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>clutching it and drinking eagerly</i>] Ah! Thats better. [<i>He + tries to drink again. Finding that he has emptied it, he hands it back to + his father-in-law upside down</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>taking it</i>] Great heavens! He has swallowed + half-a-pint of neat brandy. [<i>Much perturbed, he screws the cap on + again, and pockets the flask</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>staggering to his feet; pulling a paper from his pocket; and + speaking with boisterous confidence</i>] Get up, Molly. Up with you, Eth. + </p> + <p> + <i>The two women rise to their knees.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. What I want to ask is this. [<i>He refers to the paper</i>]. + Ahem! Civilization has reached a crisis. We are at the parting of the + ways. We stand on the brink of the Rubicon. Shall we take the plunge? + Already a leaf has been torn out of the book of the Sybil. Shall we wait + until the whole volume is consumed? On our right is the crater of the + volcano: on our left the precipice. One false step, and we go down to + annihilation dragging the whole human race with us. [<i>He pauses for + breath</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>recovering his spirits under the familiar + stimulus of political oratory</i>] Hear, hear! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What are you raving about? Ask your question while you have the + chance. What is it you want to know? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>patronizing her in the manner of a Premier debating with a + very young member of the Opposition</i>] A young woman asks me a question. + I am always glad to see the young taking an interest in politics. It is an + impatient question; but it is a practical question, an intelligent + question. She asks why we seek to lift a corner of the veil that shrouds + the future from our feeble vision. + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I don't. I ask you to tell the oracle what you want, and not keep her + sitting there all day. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>warmly</i>] Order, order! + </p> + <p> + ZOO. What does 'Order, order!' mean? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. I ask the august oracle to listen to my voice— + </p> + <p> + ZOO. You people seem never to tire of listening to your voices; but it + doesn't amuse us. What do you want? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. I want, young woman, to be allowed to proceed without unseemly + interruptions. + </p> + <p> + <i>A low roll of thunder comes from the abyss.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. There! Even the oracle is indignant. [<i>To the + Envoy</i>] Do not allow yourself to be put down by this lady's rude + clamor, Ambrose. Take no notice. Proceed. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY'S WIFE. I cant bear this much longer, Amby. Remember: I havn't + had any brandy. + </p> + <p> + HIS DAUGHTER [<i>trembling</i>] There are serpents curling in the vapor. I + am afraid of the lightning. Finish it, Papa; or I shall die. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>sternly</i>] Silence. The destiny of British civilization is + at stake. Trust me. I am not afraid. As I was saying—where was I? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. I don't know. Does anybody? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>tactfully</i>] You were just coming to the + election, I think. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>reassured</i>] Just so. The election. Now what we want to + know is this: ought we to dissolve in August, or put it off until next + spring? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. Dissolve? In what? [<i>Thunder</i>]. Oh! My fault this time. That + means that the oracle understands you, and desires me to hold my tongue. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>fervently</i>] I thank the oracle. + </p> + <p> + THE WIFE [<i>to Zoo</i>] Serve you right! + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Before the oracle replies, I should like to be + allowed to state a few of the reasons why, in my opinion, the Government + should hold on until the spring. In the first— + </p> + <p> + <i>Terrific lightning and thunder. The Elderly Gentleman is knocked flat; + but as he immediately sits up again dazedly it is clear that he is none + the worse for the shock. The ladies cower in terror. The Envoy's hat is + blown off; but he seizes it just as it quits his temples, and holds it on + with both hands. He is recklessly drunk, but quite articulate, as he + seldom speaks in public without taking stimulants beforehand.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>taking one hand from his hat to make a gesture of stilling + the tempest</i>] Thats enough. We know how to take a hint. I'll put the + case in three words. I am the leader of the Potterbill party. My party is + in power. I am Prime Minister. The Opposition—the Rotterjacks—have + won every bye-election for the last six months. They— + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>scrambling heatedly to his feet</i>] Not by fair + means. By bribery, by misrepresentation, by pandering to the vilest + prejudices [<i>muttered thunder</i>]—I beg your pardon [<i>he is + silent</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Never mind the bribery and lies. The oracle knows all about + that. The point is that though our five years will not expire until the + year after next, our majority will be eaten away at the bye-elections by + about Easter. We can't wait: we must start some question that will excite + the public, and go to the country on it. But some of us say do it now. + Others say wait til the spring. We cant make up our minds one way or the + other. Which would you advise? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. But what is the question that is to excite your public? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. That doesnt matter. I dont know yet. We will find a question + all right enough. The oracle can foresee the future: we cannot. [<i>Thunder</i>]. + What does that mean? What have I done now? + </p> + <p> + ZOO. [<i>severely</i>] How often must you be told that we cannot foresee + the future? There is no such thing as the future until it is the present. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Allow me to point out, madam, that when the + Potterbill party sent to consult the oracle fifteen years ago, the oracle + prophesied that the Potterbills would be victorious at the General + Election; and they were. So it is evident that the oracle can foresee the + future, and is sometimes willing to reveal it. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Quite true. Thank you, Poppa. I appeal now, over your head, + young woman, direct to the August Oracle, to repeat the signal favor + conferred on my illustrious predecessor, Sir Fuller Eastwind, and to + answer me exactly as he was answered. + </p> + <p> + <i>The oracle raises her hands to command silence.</i> + </p> + <p> + ALL. Sh-sh-sh! + </p> + <p> + <i>Invisible trombones utter three solemn blasts in the manner of Die + Zauberflöte.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. May I— + </p> + <p> + ZOO [<i>quickly</i>] Hush. The oracle is going to speak. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Go home, poor fool. + </p> + <p> + <i>She vanishes; and the atmosphere changes to prosaic daylight. Zoo comes + off the railing; throws off her robe; makes a bundle of it; and tucks it + under her arm. The magic and mystery are gone. The women rise to their + feet. The Envoy's party stare at one another helplessly.</i> + </p> + <p> + ZOO. The same reply, word for word, that your illustrious predecessor, as + you call him, got fifteen years ago. You asked for it; and you got it. And + just think of all the important questions you might have asked. She would + have answered them, you know. It is always like that. I will go and + arrange to have you sent home: you can wait for me in the entrance hall [<i>she + goes out</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. What possessed me to ask for the same answer old Eastwind got? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. But it was not the same answer. The answer to + Eastwind was an inspiration to our party for years. It won us the + election. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY'S DAUGHTER. I learnt it at school, granpa. It wasn't the same at + all. I can repeat it. [<i>She quotes</i>] 'When Britain was cradled in the + west, the east wind hardened her and made her great. Whilst the east wind + prevails Britain shall prosper. The east wind shall wither Britain's + enemies in the day of contest. Let the Rotterjacks look to it.' + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. The old man invented that. I see it all. He was a doddering old + ass when he came to consult the oracle. The oracle naturally said 'Go + home, poor fool.' There was no sense in saying that to me; but as that + girl said, I asked for it. What else could the poor old chap do but fake + up an answer fit for publication? There were whispers about it; but nobody + believed them. I believe them now. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Oh, I cannot admit that Sir Fuller Eastwind was + capable of such a fraud. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. He was capable of anything: I knew his private secretary. And + now what are we going to say? You don't suppose I am going back to Baghdad + to tell the British Empire that the oracle called me a fool, do you? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. Surely we must tell the truth, however painful it + may be to our feelings. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. I am not thinking of my feelings: I am not so selfish as that, + thank God. I am thinking of the country: of our party. The truth, as you + call it, would put the Rotterjacks in for the next twenty years. It would + be the end of me politically. Not that I care for that: I am only too + willing to retire if you can find a better man. Dont hesitate on my + account. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No, Ambrose: you are indispensable. There is no one + else. + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. Very well, then. What are you going to do? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. My dear Ambrose, you are the leader of the party, + not I. What are you going to do? + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY. I am going to tell the exact truth; thats what I'm going to do. + Do you take me for a liar? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>puzzled</i>] Oh. I beg your pardon. I understood + you to say— + </p> + <p> + THE ENVOY [<i>cutting him short</i>] You understood me to say that I am + going back to Baghdad to tell the British electorate that the oracle + repeated to me, word for word, what it said to Sir Fuller Eastwind fifteen + years ago. Molly and Ethel can bear me out. So must you, if you are an + honest man. Come on. + </p> + <p> + <i>He goes out, followed by his wife and daughter.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [<i>left alone and shrinking into an old and + desolate figure</i>] What am I to do? I am a most perplexed and wretched + man. [<i>He falls on his knees, and stretches his hands in entreaty over + the abyss</i>]. I invoke the oracle. I cannot go back and connive at a + blasphemous lie. I implore guidance. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Pythoness walks in on the gallery behind him, and touches him on + the shoulder. Her size is now natural. Her face is hidden by her hood. He + flinches as if from an electric shock; turns to her; and cowers, covering + his eyes in terror.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. No: not close to me. I'm afraid I can't bear it. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE [<i>with grave pity</i>] Come: look at me. I am my natural size + now: what you saw there was only a foolish picture of me thrown on a cloud + by a lantern. How can I help you? + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. They have gone back to lie about your answer. I + cannot go with them. I cannot live among people to whom nothing is real. I + have become incapable of it through my stay here. I implore to be allowed + to stay. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. My friend: if you stay with us you will die of discouragement. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. If I go back I shall die of disgust and despair. I + take the nobler risk. I beg you, do not cast me out. + </p> + <p> + <i>He catches her robe and holds her.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Take care. I have been here one hundred and seventy years. + Your death does not mean to me what it means to you. + </p> + <p> + THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. It is the meaning of life, not of death, that makes + banishment so terrible to me. + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE. Be it so, then. You may stay. + </p> + <p> + <i>She offers him her hands. He grasps them and raises himself a little by + clinging to her. She looks steadily into his face. He stiffens; a little + convulsion shakes him; his grasp relaxes; and he falls dead.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE ORACLE [<i>looking down at the body</i>] Poor shortlived thing! What + else could I do for you? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART5" id="link2H_PART5"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART V.—As Far as Thought can Reach + </h2> + <p> + <i>Summer afternoon in the year 31,920 A.D. A sunlit glade at the southern + foot of a thickly wooded hill. On the west side of it, the steps and + columned porch of a dainty little classic temple. Between it and the hill, + a rising path to the wooded heights begins with rough steps of stones in + the moss. On the opposite side, a grove. In the middle of the glade, an + altar in the form of a low marble table as long as a man, set parallel to + the temple steps and pointing to the hill. Curved marble benches radiate + from it into the foreground; but they are not joined to it: there is + plenty of space to pass between the altar and the benches. </i> + </p> + <p> + A dance of youths and maidens is in progress. The music is provided by a + few fluteplayers seated carelessly on the steps of the temple. There are + no children; and none of the dancers seems younger than eighteen. Some of + the youths have beards. Their dress, like the architecture of the theatre + and the design of the altar and curved seats, resembles Grecian of the + fourth century B.C., freely handled. They move with perfect balance and + remarkable grace, racing through a figure like a farandole. They neither + romp nor hug in our manner. + </p> + <p> + At the first full close they clap their hands to stop the musicians, who + recommence with a saraband, during which a strange figure appears on the + path beyond the temple. He is deep in thought, with his eyes closed and + his feet feeling automatically for the rough irregular steps as he slowly + descends them. Except for a sort of linen kilt consisting mainly of a + girdle carrying a sporran and a few minor pockets, he is naked. In + physical hardihood and uprightness he seems to be in the prime of life; + and his eyes and mouth shew no signs of age; but his face, though fully + and firmly fleshed, bears a network of lines, varying from furrows to + hairbreadth reticulations, as if Time had worked over every inch of it + incessantly through whole geologic periods. His head is finely domed and + utterly bald. Except for his eyelashes he is quite hairless. He is + unconscious of his surroundings, and walks right into one of the dancing + couples, separating them. He wakes up and stares about him. The couple + stop indignantly. The rest stop. The music stops. The youth whom he has + jostled accosts him without malice, but without anything that we should + call manners. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Now, then, ancient sleepwalker, why don't you keep your eyes + open and mind where you are going? + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT [<i>mild, bland, and indulgent</i>] I did not know there was a + nursery here, or I should not have turned my face in this direction. Such + accidents cannot always be avoided. Go on with your play: I will turn + back. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Why not stay with us and enjoy life for once in a way? We will + teach you to dance. + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. No, thank you. I danced when I was a child like you. Dancing + is a very crude attempt to get into the rhythm of life. It would be + painful to me to go back from that rhythm to your babyish gambols: in fact + I could not do it if I tried. But at your age it is pleasant: and I am + sorry I disturbed you. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Come! own up: arnt you very unhappy? It's dreadful to see you + ancients going about by yourselves, never noticing anything, never + dancing, never laughing, never singing, never getting anything out of + life. None of us are going to be like that when we grow up. It's a dog's + life. + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. Not at all. You repeat that old phrase without knowing that + there was once a creature on earth called a dog. Those who are interested + in extinct forms of life will tell you that it loved the sound of its own + voice and bounded about when it was happy, just as you are doing here. It + is you, my children, who are living the dog's life. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. The dog must have been a good sensible creature: it set you a + very wise example. You should let yourself go occasionally and have a good + time. + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. My children: be content to let us ancients go our ways and + enjoy ourselves in our own fashion. + </p> + <p> + <i>He turns to go.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. But wait a moment. Why will you not tell us how you enjoy + yourself? You must have secret pleasures that you hide from us, and that + you never get tired of. I get tired of all our dances and all our tunes. I + get tired of all my partners. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH [<i>suspiciously</i>] Do you? I shall bear that in mind. + </p> + <p> + <i>They all look at one another as if there were some sinister + significance in what she has said.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. We all do: what is the use of pretending we don't? It is + natural. + </p> + <p> + SEVERAL YOUNG PEOPLE. No, no. We don't. It is not natural. + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. You are older than he is, I see. You are growing up. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. How do you know? I do not look so much older, do I? + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. Oh, I was not looking at you. Your looks do not interest me. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Thank you. + </p> + <p> + <i>They all laugh.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. You old fish! I believe you don't know the difference between a + man and a woman. + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. It has long ceased to interest me in the way it interests + you. And when anything no longer interests us we no longer know it. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. You havnt told me how I shew my age. That is what I want to + know. As a matter of fact I am older than this boy here: older than he + thinks. How did you find that out? + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. Easily enough. You are ceasing to pretend that these childish + games—this dancing and singing and mating—do not become + tiresome and unsatisfying after a while. And you no longer care to pretend + that you are younger than you are. These are the signs of adolescence. And + then, see these fantastic rags with which you have draped yourself. [<i>He + takes up a piece of her draperies in his hand</i>]. It is rather badly + worn here. Why do you not get a new one? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Oh, I did not notice it. Besides, it is too much trouble. + Clothes are a nuisance. I think I shall do without them some day, as you + ancients do. + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. Signs of maturity. Soon you will give up all these toys and + games and sweets. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. What! And be as miserable as you? + </p> + <p> + THE ANCIENT. Infant: one moment of the ecstasy of life as we live it would + strike you dead. [<i>He stalks gravely out through the grove</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>They stare after him, much damped.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH [<i>to the musicians</i>] Let us have another dance. + </p> + <p> + <i>The musicians shake their heads; get up from their seats on the steps; + and troop away into the temple. The others follow them, except the Maiden, + who sits down on the altar.</i> + </p> + <p> + A MAIDEN [<i>as she goes</i>] There! The ancient has put them out of + countenance. It is your fault, Strephon, for provoking him. [<i>She + leaves, much disappointed</i>]. + </p> + <p> + A YOUTH. Why need you have cheeked him like that? [<i>He goes grumbling</i>]. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>calling after him</i>] I thought it was understood that we + are always to cheek the ancients on principle. + </p> + <p> + ANOTHER YOUTH. Quite right too! There would be no holding them if we + didn't. [<i>He goes</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Why don't you really stand up to them? <i>I</i> did. + </p> + <p> + ANOTHER YOUTH. Sheer, abject, pusillanimous, dastardly cowardice. Thats + why. Face the filthy truth. [<i>He goes</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ANOTHER YOUTH [<i>turning on the steps as he goes out</i>] And don't you + forget, infant, that one moment of the ecstasy of life as I live it would + strike you dead. Haha! + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>now the only one left, except the Maiden</i>] Arnt you + coming, Chloe? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>shakes her head</i>]! + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH [<i>hurrying back to her</i>] What is the matter? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>tragically pensive</i>] I dont know. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Then there is something the matter. Is that what you mean? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Yes. Something is happening to me. I dont know what. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. You no longer love me. I have seen it for a month past. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Dont you think all that is rather silly? We cannot go on as if + this kind of thing, this dancing and sweethearting, were everything. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. What is there better? What else is there worth living for? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Oh, stuff! Dont be frivolous. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Something horrible is happening to you. You are losing all + heart, all feeling. [<i>He sits on the altar beside her and buries his + face in his hands</i>]. I am bitterly unhappy. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Unhappy! Really, you must have a very empty head if there is + nothing in it but a dance with one girl who is no better than any of the + other girls. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. You did not always think so. You used to be vexed if I as much + as looked at another girl. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. What does it matter what I did when I was a baby? Nothing + existed for me then except what I tasted and touched and saw; and I wanted + all that for myself, just as I wanted the moon to play with. Now the world + is opening out for me. More than the world: the universe. Even little + things are turning out to be great things, and becoming intensely + interesting. Have you ever thought about the properties of numbers? + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH [<i>sitting up, markedly disenchanted</i>] Numbers!!! I cannot + imagine anything drier or more repulsive. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. They are fascinating, just fascinating. I want to get away + from our eternal dancing and music, and just sit down by myself and think + about numbers. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH [<i>rising indignantly</i>] Oh, this is too much. I have + suspected you for some time past. We have all suspected you. All the girls + say that you have deceived us as to your age: that you are getting + flat-chested: that you are bored with us; that you talk to the ancients + when you get the chance. Tell me the truth: how old are you? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Just twice your age, my poor boy. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Twice my age! Do you mean to say you are four? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Very nearly four. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH [<i>collapsing on the altar with a groan</i>] Oh! + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. My poor Strephon: I pretended I was only two for your sake. I + was two when you were born. I saw you break from your shell; and you were + such a charming child! You ran round and talked to us all so prettily, and + were so handsome and well grown, that I lost my heart to you at once. But + now I seem to have lost it altogether: bigger things are taking possession + of me. Still, we were very happy in our childish way for the first year, + werent we? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. I was happy until you began cooling towards me. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Not towards you, but towards all the trivialities of our life + here. Just think. I have hundreds of years to live: perhaps thousands. Do + you suppose I can spend centuries dancing; listening to flutes ringing + changes on a few tunes and a few notes; raving about the beauty of a few + pillars and arches; making jingles with words; lying about with your arms + round me, which is really neither comfortable nor convenient; + everlastingly choosing colors for dresses, and putting them on, and + washing; making a business of sitting together at fixed hours to absorb + our nourishment; taking little poisons with it to make us delirious enough + to imagine we are enjoying ourselves; and then having to pass the nights + in shelters lying in cots and losing half our lives in a state of + unconsciousness. Sleep is a shameful thing: I have not slept at all for + weeks past. I have stolen out at night when you were all lying insensible—quite + disgusting, I call it—and wandered about the woods, thinking, + thinking, thinking; grasping the world; taking it to pieces; building it + up again; devising methods; planning experiments to test the methods; and + having a glorious time. Every morning I have come back here with greater + and greater reluctance; and I know that the time will soon come—perhaps + it has come already—when I shall not come back at all. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. How horribly cold and uncomfortable! + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Oh, don't talk to me of comfort! Life is not worth living if + you have to bother about comfort. Comfort makes winter a torture, spring + an illness, summer an oppression, and autumn only a respite. The ancients + could make life one long frowsty comfort if they chose. But they never + lift a finger to make themselves comfortable. They will not sleep under a + roof. They will not clothe themselves: a girdle with a few pockets hanging + to it to carry things about in is all they wear: they will sit down on the + wet moss or in a gorse bush when there is dry heather within two yards of + them. Two years ago, when you were born, I did not understand this. Now I + feel that I would not put myself to the trouble of walking two paces for + all the comfort in the world. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. But you don't know what this means to me. It means that you are + dying to me: yes, just dying. Listen to me [<i>he puts his arm around her</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>extricating herself</i>] Dont. We can talk quite as well + without touching one another. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>horrified</i>] Chloe! Oh, this is the worst symptom of all! + The ancients never touch one another. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Why should they? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Oh, I don't know. But don't you want to touch me? You used to. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Yes: that is true: I used to. We used to think it would be + nice to sleep in one another's arms; but we never could go to sleep + because our weight stopped our circulations just above the elbows. Then + somehow my feeling began to change bit by bit. I kept a sort of interest + in your head and arms long after I lost interest in your whole body. And + now that has gone. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. You no longer care for me at all, then? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Nonsense! I care for you much more seriously than before; + though perhaps not so much for you in particular. I mean I care more for + everybody. But I don't want to touch you unnecessarily; and I certainly + don't want you to touch me. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>rising decisively</i>] That finishes it. You dislike me. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>impatiently</i>] I tell you again, I do not dislike you; + but you bore me when you cannot understand; and I think I shall be happier + by myself in future. You had better get a new companion. What about the + girl who is to be born today? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. I do not want the girl who is to be born today. How do I know + what she will be like? I want you. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. You cannot have me. You must recognize facts and face them. It + is no use running after a woman twice your age. I cannot make my childhood + last to please you. The age of love is sweet; but it is short; and I must + pay nature's debt. You no longer attract me; and I no longer care to + attract you. Growth is too rapid at my age: I am maturing from week to + week. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. You are maturing, as you call it—I call it ageing—from + minute to minute. You are going much further than you did when we began + this conversation. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. It is not the ageing that is so rapid. It is the realization + of it when it has actually happened. Now that I have made up my mind to + the fact that I have left childhood behind me, it comes home to me in + leaps and bounds with every word you say. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. But your vow. Have you forgotten that? We all swore together in + that temple: the temple of love. You were more earnest than any of us. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>with a grim smile</i>] Never to let our hearts grow cold! + Never to become as the ancients! Never to let the sacred lamp be + extinguished! Never to change or forget! To be remembered for ever as the + first company of true lovers faithful to this vow so often made and broken + by past generations! Ha! ha! Oh, dear! + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Well, you need not laugh. It is a beautiful and holy compact; + and I will keep it whilst I live. Are you going to break it? + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Dear child: it has broken itself. The change has come in spite + of my childish vow. [<i>She rises</i>]. Do you mind if I go into the woods + for a walk by myself? This chat of ours seems to me an unbearable waste of + time. I have so much to think of. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>again collapsing on the altar and covering his eyes with his + hands</i>] My heart is broken. [<i>He weeps</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>with a shrug</i>] I have luckily got through my childhood + without that experience. It shews how wise I was to choose a lover half my + age. [<i>She goes towards the grove, and is disappearing among the trees, + when another youth, older and manlier than Strephon, with crisp hair and + firm arms, comes from the temple, and calls to her from the threshold</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE TEMPLE YOUTH. I say, Chloe. Is there any sign of the Ancient yet? The + hour of birth is overdue. The baby is kicking like mad. She will break her + shell prematurely. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN [<i>looks across to the hill path; then points up it, and says</i>] + She is coming, Acis. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Maiden turns away through the grove and is lost to sight among the + trees.</i> + </p> + <p> + Acis [<i>coming to Strephon</i>] Whats the matter? Has Chloe been unkind? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. She has grown up in spite of all her promises. She deceived us + about her age. She is four. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Four! I am sorry, Strephon. I am getting on for three myself; and I + know what old age is. I hate to say 'I told you so'; but she was getting a + little hard set and flat-chested and thin on the top, wasn't she? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>breaking down</i>] Dont. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. You must pull yourself together. This is going to be a busy day. + First the birth. Then the Festival of the Artists. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>rising</i>] What is the use of being born if we have to decay + into unnatural, heartless, loveless, joyless monsters in four short years? + What use are the artists if they cannot bring their beautiful creations to + life? I have a great mind to die and have done with it all. [<i>He moves + away to the corner of the curved seat farthest from the theatre, and + throws himself moodily into it</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>An Ancient Woman has descended the hill path during Strephon's lament, + and has heard most of it. She is like the He-Ancient, equally bald, and + equally without sexual charm, but intensely interesting and rather + terrifying. Her sex is discoverable only by her voice, as her breasts are + manly, and her figure otherwise not very different. She wears no clothes, + but has draped herself rather perfunctorily with a ceremonial robe, and + carries two implements like long slender saws. She comes to the altar + between the two young men.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>to Strephon</i>] Infant: you are only at the beginning + of it all. [<i>To Acis</i>] Is the child ready to be born? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. More than ready, Ancient. Shouting and kicking and cursing. We have + called to her to be quiet and wait until you come; but of course she only + half understands, and is very impatient. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Very well. Bring her out into the sun. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>going quickly into the temple</i>] All ready. Come along. + </p> + <p> + <i>Joyous processional music strikes up in the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>going close to Strephon</i>]. Look at me. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>sulkily keeping his face </i>averted] Thank you; but I don't + want to be cured. I had rather be miserable in my own way than callous in + yours. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. You like being miserable? You will soon grow out of that. + [<i>She returns to the altar</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The procession, headed by Acis, emerges from the temple. Six youths + carry on their shoulders a burden covered with a gorgeous but light pall. + Before them certain official maidens carry a new tunic, ewers of water, + silver dishes pierced with holes, cloths, and immense sponges. The rest + carry wands with ribbons, and strew flowers. The burden is deposited on + the altar, and the pall removed. It is a huge egg.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>freeing her arms from her robe, and placing her saws + on the altar ready to her hand in a businesslike manner</i>] A girl, I + think you said? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Yes. + </p> + <p> + THE TUNIC BEARER. It is a shame. Why cant we have more boys? + </p> + <p> + SEVERAL YOUTHS [<i>protesting</i>] Not at all. More girls. We want new + girls. + </p> + <p> + A GIRL'S VOICE FROM THE EGG. Let me out. Let me out. I want to be born. I + want to be born. [<i>The egg rocks</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>snatching a wand from one of the others and whacking the egg with + it</i>] Be quiet, I tell you. Wait. You will be born presently. + </p> + <p> + THE EGG. No, no: at once, at once. I want to be born: I want to be born. [<i>Violent + kicking within the egg, which rocks so hard that it has to be held on the + altar by the bearers</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Silence. [<i>The music stops; and the egg behaves itself</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The She-Ancient takes her two saws, and with a couple of strokes rips + the egg open. The Newly Born, a pretty girl who would have been guessed as + seventeen in our day, sits up in the broken shell, exquisitely fresh and + rosy, but with filaments of spare albumen clinging to her here and there.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>as the world bursts on her vision</i>] Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! + Oh!!!! [<i>She continues this ad libitum during the following + remonstrances</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Hold your noise, will you? + </p> + <p> + <i>The washing begins. The Newly Born shrieks and struggles.</i> + </p> + <p> + A YOUTH. Lie quiet, you clammy little devil. + </p> + <p> + A MAIDEN. You must be washed, dear. Now quiet, quiet, quiet: be good. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Shut your mouth, or I'll shove the sponge in it. + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Shut your eyes. Itll hurt if you don't. + </p> + <p> + ANOTHER MAIDEN. Dont be silly. One would think nobody had ever been born + before. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>yells</i>]!!!!!! + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Serve you right! You were told to shut your eyes. + </p> + <p> + THE YOUTH. Dry her off quick. I can hardly hold her. Shut it, will you; or + I'll smack you into a pickled cabbage. + </p> + <p> + <i>The dressing begins. The Newly Born chuckles with delight.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE MAIDEN. Your arms go here, dear. Isnt it pretty? Youll look lovely. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>rapturously</i>] Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Oh!!!! + </p> + <p> + ANOTHER YOUTH. No: the other arm: youre putting it on back to front. You + are a silly little beast. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Here! Thats it. Now youre clean and decent. Up with you! Oopsh! [<i>He + hauls her to her feet. She cannot walk at first, but masters it after a + few steps</i>]. Now then: march. Here she is, Ancient: put her through the + catechism. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. What name have you chosen for her? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Amaryllis. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>to the Newly Born</i>] Your name is Amaryllis. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What does it mean? + </p> + <p> + A YOUTH. Love. + </p> + <p> + A MAIDEN. Mother. + </p> + <p> + ANOTHER YOUTH. Lilies. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>to Acis</i>] What is your name? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Acis. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I love you, Acis. I must have you all to myself. Take me + in your arms. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Steady, young one. I am three years old. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What has that to do with it? I love you; and I must have + you or I will go back into my shell again. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. You cant. It's broken. Look here [<i>pointing to Strephon, who has + remained in his seal without looking round at the birth, wrapped up in his + sorrow</i>]! Look at this poor fellow! + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is the matter with him? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. When he was born he chose a girl two years old for his sweetheart. + He is two years old now himself; and already his heart is broken because + she is four. That means that she has grown up like this Ancient here, and + has left him. If you choose me, we shall have only a year's happiness + before I break your heart by growing up. Better choose the youngest you + can find. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I will not choose anyone but you. You must not grow up. We + will love one another for ever. [<i>They all laugh</i>]. What are you + laughing at? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Listen, child— + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Do not come near me, you dreadful old creature. You + frighten me. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Just give her another moment. She is not quite reasonable yet. What + can you expect from a child less than five minutes old? + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I think I feel a little more reasonable now. Of course I + was rather young when I said that; but the inside of my head is changing + very rapidly. I should like to have things explained to me. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>to the She-Ancient</i>] Is she all right, do you think? + </p> + <p> + <i>The She-Ancient looks at the Newly Born critically; feels her bumps + like a phrenologist; grips her muscles and shakes her limbs; examines her + teeth; looks into her eyes for a moment; and finally relinquishes her with + an air of having finished her job.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. She will do. She may live. + </p> + <p> + <i>They all wave their hands and shout for joy.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>indignant</i>] I may live! Suppose there had been + anything wrong with me? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Children with anything wrong do not live here, my child. + Life is not cheap with us. But you would not have felt anything. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. You mean that you would have murdered me! + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. That is one of the funny words the newly born bring with + them out of the past. You will forget it tomorrow. Now listen. You have + four years of childhood before you. You will not be very happy; but you + will be interested and amused by the novelty of the world; and your + companions here will teach you how to keep up an imitation of happiness + during your four years by what they call arts and sports and pleasures. + The worst of your troubles is already over. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What! In five minutes? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. No: you have been growing for two years in the egg. You + began by being several sorts of creatures that no longer exist, though we + have fossils of them. Then you became human; and you passed in fifteen + months through a development that once cost human beings twenty years of + awkward stumbling immaturity after they were born. They had to spend fifty + years more in the sort of childhood you will complete in four years. And + then they died of decay. But you need not die until your accident comes. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is my accident? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Sooner or later you will fall and break your neck; or a + tree will fall on you; or you will be struck by lightning. Something or + other must make an end of you some day. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. But why should any of these things happen to me? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. There is no why. They do. Everything happens to everybody + sooner or later if there is time enough. And with us there is eternity. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Nothing need happen. I never heard such nonsense in all my + life. I shall know how to take care of myself. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. So you think. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I don't think: I know. I shall enjoy life for ever and + ever. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. If you should turn out to be a person of infinite + capacity, you will no doubt find life infinitely interesting. However, all + you have to do now is to play with your companions. They have many pretty + toys, as you see: a playhouse, pictures, images, flowers, bright fabrics, + music: above all, themselves; for the most amusing child's toy is another + child. At the end of four years, your mind will change: you will become + wise; and then you will be entrusted with power. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. But I want power now. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. No doubt you do; so that you could play with the world by + tearing it to pieces. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Only to see how it is made. I should put it all together + again much better than before. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. There was a time when children were given the world to + play with because they promised to improve it. They did not improve it; + and they would have wrecked it had their power been as great as that which + you will wield when you are no longer a child. Until then your young + companions will instruct you in whatever is necessary. You are not + forbidden to speak to the ancients; but you had better not do so, as most + of them have long ago exhausted all the interest there is in observing + children and conversing with them. [<i>She turns to go</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Wait. Tell me some things that I ought to do and ought not + to do. I feel the need of education. They all laugh at her, except the + She-Ancient. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. You will have grown out of that by tomorrow. Do what you + please. [<i>She goes away up the hill path</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The officials take their paraphernalia and the fragments of the egg + back into the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Just fancy: that old girl has been going for seven hundred years and + hasnt had her fatal accident yet; and she is not a bit tired of it all. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. How could anyone ever get tired of life? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. They do. That is, of the same life. They manage to change themselves + in a wonderful way. You meet them sometimes with a lot of extra heads and + arms and legs: they make you split laughing at them. Most of them have + forgotten how to speak: the ones that attend to us have to brush up their + knowledge of the language once a year or so. Nothing makes any difference + to them that I can see. They never enjoy themselves. I don't know how they + can stand it. They don't even come to our festivals of the arts. That old + one who saw you out of your shell has gone off to moodle about doing + nothing; though she knows that this is Festival Day? + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is Festival Day? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Two of our greatest sculptors are bringing us their latest + masterpieces; and we are going to crown them with flowers and sing + dithyrambs to them and dance round them. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. How jolly! What is a sculptor? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Listen here, young one. You must find out things for yourself, and + not ask questions. For the first day or two you must keep your eyes and + ears open and your mouth shut. Children should be seen and not heard. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Who are you calling a child? I am fully a quarter of an + hour old [<i>She sits down on the curved bench near Strephon with her + maturest air</i>]. + </p> + <p> + VOICES IN THE TEMPLE [<i>all expressing protest, disappointment, disgust</i>] + Oh! Oh! Scandalous. Shameful. Disgraceful. What filth! Is this a joke? + Why, theyre ancients! Ss-s-s-sss! Are you mad, Arjillax? This is an + outrage. An insult. Yah! etc. etc. etc. [<i>The malcontents appear on the + steps, grumbling</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Hullo: whats the matter? [<i>He goes to the steps of the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The two sculptors issue from the temple. One has a beard two feet long: + the other is beardless. Between them comes a handsome nymph with marked + features, dark hair richly waved, and authoritative bearing.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE AUTHORITATIVE NYMPH [<i>swooping down to the centre of the glade with + the sculptors, between Acis and the Newly Born</i>] Do not try to browbeat + me, Arjillax, merely because you are clever with your hands. Can you play + the flute? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>the bearded sculptor on her right</i>] No, Ecrasia: I cannot. + What has that to do with it? [<i>He is half derisive, half impatient, + wholly resolved not to take her seriously in spite of her beauty and + imposing tone</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Well, have you ever hesitated to criticize our best flute + players, and to declare whether their music is good or bad? Pray have I + not the same right to criticize your busts, though I cannot make images + anymore than you can play? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Any fool can play the flute, or play anything else, if he + practises enough; but sculpture is a creative art, not a mere business of + whistling into a pipe. The sculptor must have something of the god in him. + From his hand comes a form which reflects a spirit. He does not make it to + please you, nor even to please himself, but because he must. You must take + what he gives you, or leave it if you are not worthy of it. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>scornfully</i>] Not worthy of it! Ho! May I not leave it + because it is not worthy of me? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Of you! Hold your silly tongue, you conceited humbug. What do + you know about it? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I know what every person of culture knows: that the business of + the artist is to create beauty. Until today your works have been full of + beauty; and I have been the first to point that out. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Thank you for nothing. People have eyes, havnt they, to see what + is as plain as the sun in the heavens without your pointing it out? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You were very glad to have it pointed out. You did not call me a + conceited humbug then. You stifled me with caresses. You modelled me as + the genius of art presiding over the infancy of your master here [<i>indicating + the other sculptor</i>], Martellus. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>a silent and meditative listener, shudders and shakes his + head, but says nothing</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>quarrelsomely</i>] I was taken in by your talk. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I discovered your genius before anyone else did. Is that true, or + is it not? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Everybody knew I was an extraordinary person. When I was born my + beard was three feet long. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Yes; and it has shrunk from three feet to two. Your genius seems + to have been in the last foot of your beard; for you have lost both. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>with a short sardonic cachinnation</i>] Ha! My beard was + three and a half feet long when I was born; and a flash of lightning burnt + it off and killed the ancient who was delivering me. Without a hair on my + chin I became the greatest sculptor in ten generations. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. And yet you come to us today with empty hands. We shall actually + have to crown Arjillax here because no other sculptor is exhibiting. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>returning from the temple steps to behind the curved seat on the + right of the three</i>] Whats the row, Ecrasia? Why have you fallen out + with Arjillax? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. He has insulted us! outraged us! profaned his art! You know how + much we hoped from the twelve busts he placed in the temple to be unveiled + today. Well, go in and look at them. That is all I have to say. [<i>She + sweeps to the curved seat, and sits down just where Acis is leaning over + it</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. I am no great judge of sculpture. Art is not my line. What is wrong + with the busts? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Wrong with them! Instead of being ideally beautiful nymphs and + youths, they are horribly realistic studies of—but I really cannot + bring my lips to utter it. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Newly Born, full of curiosity, runs to the temple, and peeps in.</i> + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Oh, stow it, Ecrasia. Your lips are not so squeamish as all that. + Studies of what? + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>from the temple steps</i>] Ancients. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>surprised but not scandalized</i>] Ancients! + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Yes, ancients. The one subject that is by the universal consent + of all connoisseurs absolutely excluded from the fine arts. [<i>To + Arjillax</i>] How can you defend such a proceeding? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. If you come to that, what interest can you find in the statues + of smirking nymphs and posturing youths you stick up all over the place? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You did not ask that when your hand was still skilful enough to + model them. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Skilful! You high-nosed idiot, I could turn such things out by + the score with my eyes bandaged and one hand tied behind me. But what use + would they be? They would bore me; and they would bore you if you had any + sense. Go in and look at my busts. Look at them again and yet again until + you receive the full impression of the intensity of mind that is stamped + on them; and then go back to the pretty-pretty confectionery you call + sculpture, and see whether you can endure its vapid emptiness. [<i>He + mounts the altar impetuously</i>] Listen to me, all of you; and do you, + Ecrasia, be silent if you are capable of silence. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. Scorn! That is + what I feel for your revolting busts. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Fool: the busts are only the beginning of a mighty design. + Listen. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Go ahead, old sport. We are listening. + </p> + <p> + <i>Martellus stretches himself on the sward beside the altar. The Newly + Born sits on the temple steps with her chin on her hands, ready to devour + the first oration she has ever heard. The rest sit or stand at ease.</i> + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. In the records which generations of children have rescued from + the stupid neglect of the ancients, there has come down to us a fable + which, like many fables, is not a thing that was done in the past, but a + thing that is to be done in the future. It is a legend of a supernatural + being called the Archangel Michael. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Is this a story? I want to hear a story. [<i>She runs down + the steps and sits on the altar at Arjillax's feet</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. The Archangel Michael was a mighty sculptor and painter. He + found in the centre of the world a temple erected to the goddess of the + centre, called Mediterranea. This temple was full of silly pictures of + pretty children, such as Ecrasia approves. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Fair play, Arjillax! If she is to keep silent, let her alone. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I shall not interrupt, Acis. Why should I not prefer youth and + beauty to age and ugliness? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Just so. Well, the Archangel Michael was of my opinion, not + yours. He began by painting on the ceiling the newly born in all their + childish beauty. But when he had done this he was not satisfied; for the + temple was no more impressive than it had been before, except that there + was a strength and promise of greater things about his newly born ones + than any other artist had attained to. So he painted all round these newly + born a company of ancients, who were in those days called prophets and + sybils, whose majesty was that of the mind alone at its intensest. And + this painting was acknowledged through ages and ages to be the summit and + masterpiece of art. Of course we cannot believe such a tale literally. It + is only a legend. We do not believe in archangels; and the notion that + thirty thousand years ago sculpture and painting existed, and had even + reached the glorious perfection they have reached with us, is absurd. But + what men cannot realize they can at least aspire to. They please + themselves by pretending that it was realized in a golden age of the past. + This splendid legend endured because it lived as a desire in the hearts of + the greatest artists. The temple of Mediterranea never was built in the + past, nor did Michael the Archangel exist. But today the temple is here [<i>he + points to the porch</i>]; and the man is here [<i>he slaps himself on the + chest</i>]. I, Arjillax, am the man. I will place in your theatre such + images of the newly born as must satisfy even Ecrasia's appetite for + beauty; and I will surround them with ancients more august than any who + walk through our woods. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>as before</i>] Ha! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>stung</i>] Why do you laugh, you who have come empty-handed, + and, it seems, empty-headed? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>rising indignantly</i>] Oh, shame! You dare disparage + Martellus, twenty times your master. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Be quiet, will you [<i>he seizes her shoulders and thrusts her back + into her seat</i>]. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Let him disparage his fill, Ecrasia. [<i>Sitting up</i>] My + poor Arjillax, I too had this dream. I too found one day that my images of + loveliness had become vapid, uninteresting, tedious, a waste of time and + material. I too lost my desire to model limbs, and retained only my + interest in heads and faces. I, too, made busts of ancients; but I had not + your courage: I made them in secret, and hid them from you all. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>jumping down from the altar behind Martellus in his surprise + and excitement</i>] You made busts of ancients! Where are they, man? Will + you be talked out of your inspiration by Ecrasia and the fools who imagine + she speaks with authority? Let us have them all set up beside mine in the + theatre. I have opened the way for you; and you see I am none the worse. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Impossible. They are all smashed. [<i>He rises, laughing</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ALL. Smashed! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Who smashed them? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. I did. That is why I laughed at you just now. You will smash + yours before you have completed a dozen of them. [<i>He goes to the end of + the altar and sits down beside the Newly Born</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. But why? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Because you cannot give them life. A live ancient is better + than a dead statue. [<i>He takes the Newly Born on his knee: she is + flattered and voluptuously responsive</i>]. Anything alive is better than + anything that is only pretending to be alive. [<i>To Arjillax</i>] Your + disillusion with your works of beauty is only the beginning of your + disillusion with images of all sorts. As your hand became more skilful and + your chisel cut deeper, you strove to get nearer and nearer to truth and + reality, discarding the fleeting fleshly lure, and making images of the + mind that fascinates to the end. But how can so noble an inspiration be + satisfied with any image, even an image of the truth? In the end the + intellectual conscience that tore you away from the fleeting in art to the + eternal must tear you away from art altogether, because art is false and + life alone is true. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>flings her arms round his neck and kisses him + enthusiastically</i>]. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>rises; carries her to the curved bench on his left; deposits + her beside Strephon as if she were his overcoat; and continues without the + least change of tone</i>] Shape it as you will, marble remains marble, and + the graven image an idol. As I have broken my idols, and cast away my + chisel and modelling tools, so will you too break these busts of yours. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Never. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Wait, my friend. I do not come empty-handed today, as you + imagined. On the contrary, I bring with me such a work of art as you have + never seen, and an artist who has surpassed both you and me further than + we have surpassed all our competitors. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Impossible. The greatest things in art can never be surpassed. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Who is this paragon whom you declare greater than I? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. I declare him greater than myself, Arjillax. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>frowning</i>] I understand. Sooner than not drown me, you are + willing to clasp me round the waist and jump overboard with me. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Oh, stop squabbling. That is the worst of you artists. You are + always in little squabbling cliques; and the worst cliques are those which + consist of one man. Who is this new fellow you are throwing in one + another's teeth? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Ask Martellus: do not ask me. I know nothing of him. [<i>He + leaves Martellus, and sits down beside Ecrasia, on her left</i>]. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. You know him quite well. Pygmalion. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>indignantly</i>] Pygmalion! That soulless creature! A + scientist! A laboratory person! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Pygmalion produce a work of art! You have lost your artistic + senses. The man is utterly incapable of modelling a thumb nail, let alone + a human figure. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. That does not matter: I have done the modelling for him. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. What on earth do you mean? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>calling</i>] Pygmalion: come forth. + </p> + <p> + <i>Pygmalion, a square-fingered youth with his face laid out in horizontal + blocks, and a perpetual smile of eager benevolent interest in everything, + and expectation of equal interest from everybody else, comes from the + temple to the centre of the group, who regard him for the most part with + dismay, as dreading that he will bore them. Ecrasia is openly + contemptuous.</i> + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Friends: it is unfortunate that Pygmalion is constitutionally + incapable of exhibiting anything without first giving a lecture about it + to explain it; but I promise you that if you will be patient he will shew + you the two most wonderful works of art in the world, and that they will + contain some of my own very best workmanship. Let me add that they will + inspire a loathing that will cure you of the lunacy of art for ever. [<i>He + sits down next the Newly Born, who pouts and turns a very cold right + shoulder to him, a demonstration utterly lost on him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>Pygmalion, with the smile of a simpleton, and the eager confidence of a + fanatical scientist, climbs awkwardly on to the altar. They prepare for + the worst.</i> + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. My friends: I will omit the algebra— + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Thank God! + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>continuing</i>]—because Martellus has made me promise + to do so. To come to the point, I have succeeded in making artificial + human beings. Real live ones, I mean. + </p> + <p> + INCREDULOUS VOICES. Oh, come! Tell us another. Really, Pyg! Get out. You + havnt. What a lie! + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I tell you I have. I will shew them to you. It has been done + before. One of the very oldest documents we possess mentions a tradition + of a biologist who extracted certain unspecified minerals from the earth + and, as it quaintly expresses it, 'breathed into their nostrils the breath + of life.' This is the only tradition from the primitive ages which we can + regard as really scientific. There are later documents which specify the + minerals with great precision, even to their atomic weights; but they are + utterly unscientific, because they overlook the element of life which + makes all the difference between a mere mixture of salts and gases and a + living organism. These mixtures were made over and over again in the crude + laboratories of the Silly-Clever Ages; but nothing came of them until the + ingredient which the old chronicler called the breath of life was added by + this very remarkable early experimenter. In my view he was the founder of + biological science. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Is that all we know about him? It doesnt amount to very much, + does it? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. There are some fragments of pictures and documents which + represent him as walking in a garden and advising people to cultivate + their gardens. His name has come down to us in several forms. One of them + is Jove. Another is Voltaire. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You are boring us to distraction with your Voltaire. What about + your human beings? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Aye: come to them. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I assure you that these details are intensely interesting. [<i>Cries + of</i> No! They are not! Come to the human beings! Conspuez Voltaire! Cut + it short, Pyg! <i>interrupt him from all sides</i>]. You will see their + bearing presently. I promise you I will not detain you long. We know, we + children of science, that the universe is full of forces and powers and + energies of one kind and another. The sap rising in a tree, the stone + holding together in a definite crystalline structure, the thought of a + philosopher holding his brain in form and operation with an inconceivably + powerful grip, the urge of evolution: all these forces can be used by us. + For instance, I use the force of gravitation when I put a stone on my + tunic to prevent it being blown away when I am bathing. By substituting + appropriate machines for the stone we have made not only gravitation our + slave, but also electricity and magnetism, atomic attraction, repulsion, + polarization, and so forth. But hitherto the vital force has eluded us; so + it has had to create machinery for itself. It has created and developed + bony structures of the requisite strength, and clothed them with cellular + tissue of such amazing sensitiveness that the organs it forms will adapt + their action to all the normal variations in the air they breathe, the + food they digest, and the circumstances about which they have to think. + Yet, as these live bodies, as we call them, are only machines after all, + it must be possible to construct them mechanically. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Everything is possible. Have you done it? that is the question. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Yes. But that is a mere fact. What is interesting is the + explanation of the fact. Forgive my saying so; but it is such a pity that + you artists have no intellect. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>sententiously</i>] I do not admit that. The artist divines by + inspiration all the truths that the so-called scientist grubs up in his + laboratory slowly and stupidly long afterwards. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>to Ecrasia, quarrelsomely</i>] What do you know about it? You + are not an artist. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Shut your heads, both of you. Let us have the artificial men. Trot + them out, Pygmalion. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. It is a man and a woman. But I really must explain first. + </p> + <p> + ALL [<i>groaning</i>]!!! + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Yes: I— + </p> + <p> + ACIS. We want results, not explanations. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>hurt</i>] I see I am boring you. Not one of you takes the + least interest in science. Goodbye. [<i>He descends from the altar and + makes for the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + SEVERAL YOUTHS AND MAIDENS [<i>rising and rushing to him</i>] No, no. Dont + go. Dont be offended. We want to see the artificial pair. We will listen. + We are tremendously interested. Tell us all about it. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>relenting</i>] I shall not detain you two minutes. + </p> + <p> + ALL. Half an hour if you like. Please go on, Pygmalion. [<i>They rush him + back to the altar, and hoist him on to it</i>]. Up you go. + </p> + <p> + <i>They return to their former places.</i> + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. As I told you, lots of attempts were made to produce protoplasm + in the laboratory. Why were these synthetic plasms, as they called them, + no use? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. We are waiting for you to tell us. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>modelling herself on Ecrasia, and trying to outdo her + intellectually</i>] Clearly because they were dead. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Not bad for a baby, my pet. But dead and alive are very loose + terms. You are not half as much alive as you will be in another month or + so. What was wrong with the synthetic protoplasm was that it could not fix + and conduct the Life Force. It was like a wooden magnet or a lightning + conductor made of silk: it would not take the current. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Nobody but a fool would make a wooden magnet, and expect it to + attract anything. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. He might if he were so ignorant as not to be able to + distinguish between wood and soft iron. In those days they were very + ignorant of the differences between things, because their methods of + analysis were crude. They mixed up messes that were so like protoplasm + that they could not tell the difference. But the difference was there, + though their analysis was too superficial and incomplete to detect it. You + must remember that these poor devils were very little better than our + idiots: we should never dream of letting one of them survive the day of + its birth. Why, the Newly Born there already knows by instinct many things + that their greatest physicists could hardly arrive at by forty years of + strenuous study. Her simple direct sense of space-time and quantity + unconsciously solves problems which cost their most famous mathematicians + years of prolonged and laborious calculations requiring such intense + mental application that they frequently forgot to breathe when engaged in + them, and almost suffocated themselves in consequence. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Leave these obscure prehistoric abortions; and come back to your + synthetic man and woman. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. When I undertook the task of making synthetic men, I did not + waste my time on protoplasm. It was evident to me that if it were possible + to make protoplasm in the laboratory, it must be equally possible to begin + higher up and make fully evolved muscular and nervous tissues, bone, and + so forth. Why make the seed when the making of the flower would be no + greater miracle? I tried thousands of combinations before I succeeded in + producing anything that would fix high-potential Life Force. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. High what? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. High-po-tential. The Life Force is not so simple as you think. + A high-potential current of it will turn a bit of dead tissue into a + philosopher's brain. A low-potential current will reduce the same bit of + tissue to a mass of corruption. Will you believe me when I tell you that, + even in man himself, the Life Force used to slip suddenly down from its + human level to that of a fungus, so that men found their flesh no longer + growing as flesh, but proliferating horribly in a lower form which was + called cancer, until the lower form of life killed the higher, and both + perished together miserably? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Keep off the primitive tribes, Pygmalion. They interest you; + but they bore these young things. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I am only trying to make you understand. There was the Life + Force raging all round me: there was I, trying to make organs that would + capture it as a battery captures electricity, and tissues that would + conduct it and operate it. It was easy enough to make eyes more perfect + than our own, and ears with a larger range of sound; but they could + neither see nor hear, because they were not susceptible to the Life Force. + But it was far worse when I discovered how to make them susceptible; for + the first thing that happened was that they ceased to be eyes and ears and + turned into heaps of maggots. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Disgusting! Please stop. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. If you don't want to hear, go away. You go ahead, Pyg. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I went ahead. You see, the lower potentials of the Life Force + could make maggots, but not human eyes or ears. I improved the tissue + until it was susceptible to a higher potential. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>intensely interested</i>] Yes; and then? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Then the eyes and ears turned into cancers. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Oh, hideous! + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Not at all. That was a great advance. It encouraged me so much + that I put aside the eyes and ears, and made a brain. It wouldn't take the + Life Force at all until I had altered its constitution a dozen times; but + when it did, it took a much higher potential, and did not dissolve; and + neither did the eyes and ears when I connected them up with the brain. I + was able to make a sort of monster: a thing without arms or legs; and it + really and truly lived for half-an-hour. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Half-an-hour! What good was that? Why did it die? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Its blood went wrong. But I got that right; and then I went + ahead with a complete human body: arms and legs and all. He was my first + man. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Who modelled him? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I did. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Do you mean to say you tried your own hand before you sent for + me? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Bless you, yes, several times. My first man was the ghastliest + creature: a more dreadful mixture of horror and absurdity than you who + have not seen him can conceive. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. If you modelled him, he must indeed have been a spectacle. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Oh, it was not his shape. You see I did not invent that. I took + actual measurements and moulds from my own body. Sculptors do that + sometimes, you know; though they pretend they don't. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Hm! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Hah! + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. He was all right to look at, at first, or nearly so. But he + behaved in the most appalling manner; and the subsequent developments were + so disgusting that I really cannot describe them to you. He seized all + sorts of things and swallowed them. He drank every fluid in the + laboratory. I tried to explain to him that he must take nothing that he + could not digest and assimilate completely; but of course he could not + understand me. He assimilated a little of what he swallowed; but the + process left horrible residues which he had no means of getting rid of. + His blood turned to poison; and he perished in torments, howling. I then + perceived that I had produced a prehistoric man; for there are certain + traces in our own bodies of arrangements which enabled the earlier forms + of mankind to renew their bodies by swallowing flesh and grains and + vegetables and all sorts of unnatural and hideous foods, and getting rid + of what they could not digest. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. But what a pity he died! What a glimpse of the past we have lost! + He could have told us stories of the Golden Age. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Not he. He was a most dangerous beast. He was afraid of me, and + actually tried to kill me by snatching up things and striking at me with + them. I had to give him two or three pretty severe shocks before I + convinced him that he was at my mercy. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Why did you not make a woman instead of a man? She would + have known how to behave herself. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Why did you not make a man and a woman? Their children would + have been interesting. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I intended to make a woman; but after my experience with the + man it was out of the question. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Pray why? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Well, it is difficult to explain if you have not studied + prehistoric methods of reproduction. You see the only sort of men and + women I could make were men and women just like us as far as their bodies + were concerned. That was how I killed the poor beast of a man. I hadnt + provided for his horrible prehistoric methods of feeding himself. Suppose + the woman had reproduced in some prehistoric way instead of being + oviparous as we are? She couldn't have done it with a modern female body. + Besides, the experiment might have been painful. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Then you have nothing to shew us at all? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Oh yes I have. I am not so easily beaten as that. I set to work + again for months to find out how to make a digestive system that would + deal with waste products and a reproductive system capable of internal + nourishment and incubation. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Why did you not find out how to make them like us? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>crying out in his grief for the first time</i>] Why did you + not make a woman whom you could love? That was the secret you needed. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh yes. How true! How great of you, darling Strephon! [<i>She + kisses him impulsively</i>]. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON [<i>passionately</i>] Let me alone. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Control your reflexes, child. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. My what! + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Your reflexes. The things you do without thinking. Pygmalion is + going to shew you a pair of human creatures who are all reflexes and + nothing else. Take warning by them. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. But wont they be alive, like us? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. That is a very difficult question to answer, my dear. I confess + I thought at first I had created living creatures; but Martellus declares + they are only automata. But then Martellus is a mystic: <i>I</i> am a man + of science. He draws a line between an automaton and a living organism. I + cannot draw that line to my own satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Your artificial men have no self-control. They only respond to + stimuli from without. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. But they are conscious. I have taught them to talk and read; + and now they tell lies. That is so very lifelike. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Not at all. If they were alive they would tell the truth. You + can provoke them to tell any silly lie; and you can foresee exactly the + sort of lie they will tell. Give them a clip below the knee, and they will + jerk their foot forward. Give them a clip in their appetites or vanities + or any of their lusts and greeds, and they will boast and lie, and affirm + and deny, and hate and love without the slightest regard to the facts that + are staring them in the face, or to their own obvious limitations. That + proves that they are automata. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>unconvinced</i>] I know, dear old chap; but there really is + some evidence that we are descended from creatures quite as limited and + absurd as these. After all, the baby there is three-quarters an automaton. + Look at the way she has been going on! + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>indignantly</i>] What do you mean? How have I been + going on? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. If they have no regard for truth, they can have no real vitality. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Truth is sometimes so artificial: so relative, as we say in the + scientific world, that it is very hard to feel quite sure that what is + false and even ridiculous to us may not be true to them. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I ask you again, why did you not make them like us? Would any + true artist be content with less than the best? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. I couldnt. I tried. I failed. I am convinced that what I am + about to shew you is the very highest living organism that can be produced + in the laboratory. The best tissues we can manufacture will not take as + high potentials as the natural product: that is where Nature beats us. You + dont seem to understand, any of you, what an enormous triumph it was to + produce consciousness at all. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Cut the cackle; and come to the synthetic couple. + </p> + <p> + SEVERAL YOUTHS AND MAIDENS. Yes, yes. No more talking. Let us have them. + Dry up, Pyg; and fetch them along. Come on: out with them! The synthetic + couple. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>waving his hands to appease them</i>] Very well, very well. + Will you please whistle for them? They respond to the stimulus of a + whistle. + </p> + <p> + <i>All who can, whistle like streetboys.</i> + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>makes a wry face and puts her fingers in her ears</i>]! + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Sh-sh-sh! Thats enough: thats enough: thats enough. [<i>Silence</i>]. + Now let us have some music. A dance tune. Not too fast. + </p> + <p> + <i>The flutists play a quiet dance.</i> + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Prepare yourselves for something ghastly. + </p> + <p> + <i>Two figures, a man and woman of noble appearance, beautifully modelled + and splendidly attired, emerge hand in hand from the temple. Seeing that + all eyes are fixed on them, they halt on the steps, smiling with gratified + vanity. The woman is on the man's left.</i> + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>rubbing his hands with the purring satisfaction of a creator</i>] + This way, please. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Figures advance condescendingly and pose themselves centrally + between the curved seats.</i> + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Now if you will be so good as to oblige us with a little + something. You dance so beautifully, you know. [<i>He sits down next + Martellus, and whispers to him</i>] It is extraordinary how sensitive they + are to the stimulus of flattery. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Figures, with a gracious air, dance pompously, but very passably. + At the close they bow to one another.</i> + </p> + <p> + ON ALL HANDS [<i>clapping</i>] Bravo! Thank you. Wonderful! Splendid. + Perfect. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Figures acknowledge the applause in an obvious condition of swelled + head.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Can they make love? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Yes: they can respond to every stimulus. They have all the + reflexes. Put your arm round the man's neck, and he will put his arm round + your body. He cannot help it. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>frowning</i>] Round mine, you mean. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Yours, too, of course, if the stimulus comes from you. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Cannot he do anything original? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. No. But then, you know, I do not admit that any of us can do + anything really original, though Martellus thinks we can. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Can he answer a question? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Oh yes. A question is a stimulus, you know. Ask him one. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>to the Male Figure</i>] What do you think of what you see around + you? Of us, for instance, and our ways and doings? + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. I have not seen the newspaper today. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. How can you expect my husband to know what to think of + you if you give him his breakfast without his paper? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. You see. He is a mere automaton. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I don't think I should like him to put his arm round my + neck. I don't like them. [<i>The Male Figure looks offended, and the + Female jealous</i>]. Oh, I thought they couldn't understand. Have they + feelings? + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. Of course they have. I tell you they have all the reflexes. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. But feelings are not reflexes. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION. They are sensations. When the rays of light enter their eyes + and make a picture on their retinas, their brains become conscious of the + picture and they act accordingly. When the waves of sound started by your + speaking enter their ears and record a disparaging remark on their + keyboards, their brains become conscious of the disparagement and resent + it accordingly. If you did not disparage them they would not resent it. + They are merely responding to a stimulus. + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. We are part of a cosmic system. Free will is an illusion. + We are the children of Cause and Effect. We are the Unalterable, the + Irresistible, the Irresponsible, the Inevitable. + </p> +<div style="margin-left: 10%;"> + <i>My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:<br /> + Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.</div>i> +</div> + <p> + <i>There is a general stir of curiosity at this.</i> + </p> + <p> + ACIS. What the dickens does he mean? + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. Silence, base accident of Nature. This [<i>taking the + hand of the Female Figure and introducing her</i>] is Cleopatra-Semiramis, + consort of the king of kings, and therefore queen of queens. Ye are things + hatched from eggs by the brainless sun and the blind fire; but the king of + kings and queen of queens are not accidents of the egg: they are + thought-out and hand-made to receive the sacred Life Force. There is one + person of the king and one of the queen; but the Life Force of the king + and queen is all one: the glory equal, the majesty co-eternal. Such as the + king is so is the queen, the king thought-out and hand-made, the queen + thought-out and hand-made. The actions of the king are caused, and + therefore determined, from the beginning of the world to the end; and the + actions of the queen are likewise. The king logical and predetermined and + inevitable, and the queen logical and predetermined and inevitable. And + yet they are not two logical and predetermined and inevitable, but one + logical and predetermined and inevitable. Therefore confound not the + persons, nor divide the substance: but worship us twain as one throne, two + in one and one in two, lest by error ye fall into irretrievable damnation. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. And if any say unto you 'Which one?' remember that + though there is one person of the king and one of the queen, yet these two + persons are not alike, but are woman and man, and that as woman was + created after man, the skill and practice gained in making him were added + to her, wherefore she is to be exalted above him in all personal respects, + and— + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. Peace, woman; for this is a damnable heresy. Both Man and + Woman are what they are and must do what they must according to the + eternal laws of Cause and Effect. Look to your words; for if they enter my + ear and jar too repugnantly on my sensorium, who knows that the inevitable + response to that stimulus may not be a message to my muscles to snatch up + some heavy object and break you in pieces. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Female Figure picks up a stone and is about to throw it at her + consort.</i> + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX [<i>springing up and shouting to Pygmalion, who is fondly + watching the Male Figure</i>] Look out, Pygmalion! Look at the woman! + </p> + <p> + <i>Pygmalion, seeing what is happening, hurls himself on the Female Figure + and wrenches the stone out of her hand. All spring up in consternation.</i> + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. She meant to kill him. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. This is horrible. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>wrestling with Pygmalion</i>] Let me go. Let me go, + will you [<i>she bites his hand</i>]. + </p> + <p> + PYGMALION [<i>releasing her and staggering</i>] Oh! + </p> + <p> + <i>A general shriek of horror echoes his exclamation. He turns deadly + pale, and supports himself against the end of the curved seat.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>to her consort</i>] You would stand there and let me + be treated like this, you unmanly coward. + </p> + <p> + <i>Pygmalion falls dead.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh! Whats the matter? Why did he fall! What has happened + to him? + </p> + <p> + <i>They look on anxiously as Martellus kneels down and examines the body + of Pygmalion.</i> + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. She has bitten a piece out of his hand nearly as large as a + finger nail: enough to kill ten men. There is no pulse, no breath. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. But his thumb is clinched. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. No: it has just straightened out. See! He has gone. Poor + Pygmalion! + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh! [<i>She weeps</i>]. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Hush, dear: thats childish. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>subsiding with a sniff</i>]!! + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>rising</i>] Dead in his third year. What a loss to Science! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Who cares about Science? Serve him right for making that pair of + horrors! + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>glaring</i>] Ha! + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. Keep a civil tongue in your head, you. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh, do not be so unkind, Arjillax. You will make water + come out of my eyes again. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS [<i>contemplating the Figures</i>] Just look at these two + devils. I modelled them out of the stuff Pygmalion made for them. They are + masterpieces of art. And see what they have done! Does that convince you + of the value of art, Arjillax! + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. They look dangerous. Keep away from them. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. No need to tell us that, Strephon. Pf! They poison the air. + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. Beware, woman. The wrath of Ozymandias strikes like the + lightning. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. You just say that again if you dare, you filthy + creature. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. What are you going to do with them, Martellus? You are responsible + for them, now that Pygmalion has gone. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. If they were marble it would be simple enough: I could smash + them. As it is, how am I to kill them without making a horrible mess? + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>posing heroically</i>] Ha! [<i>He declaims</i>] + </p> +<div style="margin-left: 10%;"> + <i>Come one: come all: this rock shall fly<br /> + From its firm base as soon as I.</i> +</div> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>fondly</i>] My man! My hero husband! I am proud of + you. I love you. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. We must send out a message for an ancient. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Need we bother an ancient about such a trifle? It will take less + than half a second to reduce our poor Pygmalion to a pinch of dust. Why + not calcine the two along with him? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. No: the two automata are trifles; but the use of our powers of + destruction is never a trifle. I had rather have the case judged. + </p> + <p> + <i>The He-Ancient emerges from the grove. The Figures are panic-stricken.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT [<i>mildly</i>] Am I wanted? I feel called. [<i>Seeing the + body of Pygmalion, and immediately taking a sterner tone</i>] What! A + child lost! A life wasted! How has this happened? + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>frantically</i>] I didn't do it. It was not me. May + I be struck dead if I touched him! It was he [<i>pointing to the Male + Figure</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ALL [amazed at the lie] Oh! + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. Liar. You bit him. Everyone here saw you do it. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Silence. [<i>Going between the Figures</i>] Who made these + two loathsome dolls? + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>trying to assert himself with his knees knocking</i>] + My name is Ozymandias, king of— + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT [<i>with a contemptuous gesture</i>] Pooh! + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>falling on his knees</i>] Oh dont, sir. Dont. She did + it, sir: indeed she did. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>howling lamentably</i>] Boohoo! oo! ooh! + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Silence, I say. + </p> + <p> + <i>He knocks the Male Automaton upright by a very light flip under the + chin. The Female Automaton hardly dares to sob. The immortals contemplate + them with shame and loathing. The She-Ancient comes from the trees + opposite the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Somebody wants me. What is the matter? [<i>She comes to + the left hand of the Female Figure, not seeing the body of Pygmalion</i>]. + Pf! [<i>Severely</i>] You have been making dolls. You must not: they are + not only disgusting: they are dangerous. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>snivelling piteously</i>] I'm not a doll, mam. I'm + only poor Cleopatra-Semiramis, queen of queens. [<i>Covering her face with + her hands</i>] Oh, don't look at me like that, mam. I meant no harm. He + hurt me: indeed he did. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. The creature has killed that poor youth. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>seeing the body of Pygmalion</i>] What! This clever + child, who promised so well! + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. He made me. I had as much right to kill him as he had + to make me. And how was I to know that a little thing like that would kill + him? I shouldn't die if he cut off my arm or leg. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. What nonsense! + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. It may not be nonsense. I daresay if you cut off her leg she + would grow another, like the lobsters and the little lizards. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Did this dead boy make these two things? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. He made them in his laboratory. I moulded their limbs. I am + sorry. I was thoughtless: I did not foresee that they would kill and + pretend to be persons they were not, and declare things that were false, + and wish evil. I thought they would be merely mechanical fools. + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. Do you blame us for our human nature? + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. We are flesh and blood and not angels. + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. Have you no hearts? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. They are mad as well as mischievous. May we not destroy them? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. We abhor them. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. We loathe them. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. They are noisome. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. I don't want to be hard on the poor devils; but they are making me + feel uneasy in my inside. I never had such a sensation before. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. I took a lot of trouble with them. But as far as I am + concerned, destroy them by all means. I loathed them from the beginning. + </p> + <p> + ALL. Yes, yes: we all loathe them. Let us calcine them. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. Oh, don't be so cruel. I'm not fit to die. I will never + bite anyone again. I will tell the truth. I will do good. Is it my fault + if I was not made properly? Kill him; but spare me. + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE. No! I have done no harm: she has. Kill her if you like: + you have no right to kill me. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Do you hear that? They want to have one another killed. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Monstrous! Kill them both. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Silence. These things are mere automata: they cannot help + shrinking from death at any cost. You see that they have no self-control, + and are merely shuddering through a series of reflexes. Let us see whether + we cannot put a little more life into them. [<i>He takes the Male Figure + by the hand, and places his disengaged hand on its head</i>]. Now listen. + One of you two is to be destroyed. Which of you shall it be? + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>after a slight convulsion during which his eyes are + fixed on the He-Ancient</i>] Spare her; and kill me. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Thats better. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Much better. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>handling the Female Automaton in the same manner</i>] + Which of you shall we kill? + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. Kill us both. How could either of us live without the + other? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. The woman is more sensible than the man. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Ancients release the Automata.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>sinking to the ground</i>] I am discouraged. Life is + too heavy a burden. + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE [<i>collapsing</i>] I am dying. I am glad. I am afraid + to live. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I think it would be nice to give the poor things a little + music. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Why? + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I don't know. But it would. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Musicians play.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE FEMALE FIGURE. Ozymandias: do you hear that? [<i>She rises on her + knees and looks raptly into space</i>] Queen of queens! [<i>She dies</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE MALE FIGURE [<i>crawling feebly towards her until he reaches her hand</i>] + I knew I was really a king of kings. [<i>To the others</i>] Illusions, + farewell: we are going to our thrones. [<i>He dies</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>The music stops. There is dead silence for a moment.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. That was funny. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. It was. Even the Ancients are smiling. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Just a little. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT [<i>quickly recovering her grave and peremptory manner</i>] + Take these two abominations away to Pygmalion's laboratory, and destroy + them with the rest of the laboratory refuse. [<i>Some of them move to </i>obey]. + Take care: do not touch their flesh: it is noxious: lift them by their + robes. Carry Pygmalion into the temple; and dispose of his remains in the + usual way. + </p> + <p> + <i>The three bodies are carried out as directed, Pygmalion into the temple + by his bare arms and legs, and the two Figures through the grove by their + clothes. Martellus superintends the removal of the Figures, Acis that of + Pygmalion. Ecrasia, Arjillax, Strephon, and the Newly Born sit down as + before, but on contrary benches; so that Strephon and the Newly Born now + face the grove, and Ecrasia and Arjillax the temple. The Ancients remain + standing at the altar.</i> + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>as she sits down</i>] Oh for a breeze from the hills! + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Or the wind from the sea at the turn of the tide! + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I want some clean air. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. The air will be clean in a moment. This doll flesh that + children make decomposes quickly at best; but when it is shaken by such + passions as the creatures are capable of, it breaks up at once and becomes + horribly tainted. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Let it be a lesson to you all to be content with lifeless + toys, and not attempt to make living ones. What would you think of us + ancients if we made toys of you children? + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>coaxingly</i>] Why do you not make toys of us? Then you + would play with us; and that would be very nice. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. It would not amuse us. When you play with one another you + play with your bodies, and that makes you supple and strong; but if we + played with you we should play with your minds, and perhaps deform them. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. You are a ghastly lot, you ancients. I shall kill myself when I + am four years old. What do you live for? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. You will find out when you grow up. You will not kill + yourself. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. If you make me believe that, I shall kill myself now. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh no. I want you. I love you. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. I love someone else. And she has gone old, old. Lost to me for + ever. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. How old? + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. You saw her when you barged into us as we were dancing. She is + four. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. How I should have hated her twenty minutes ago! But I have + grown out of that now. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Good. That hatred is called jealousy, the worst of our + childish complaints. + </p> + <p> + <i>Martellus, dusting his hands and puffing, returns from the grove.</i> + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Ouf! [<i>He sits down next the Newly Born</i>] That job's + finished. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Ancients: I should like to make a few studies of you. Not + portraits, of course: I shall idealize you a little. I have come to the + conclusion that you ancients are the most interesting subjects after all. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. What! Have those two horrors, whose ashes I have just deposited + with peculiar pleasure in poor Pygmalion's dustbin, not cured you of this + silly image-making! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Why did you model them as young things, you fool? If Pygmalion + had come to me, I should have made ancients of them for him. Not that I + should have modelled them any better. I have always said that no one can + beat you at your best as far as handwork is concerned. But this job + required brains. That is where I should have come in. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Well, my brainy boy, you are welcome to try your hand. There + are two of Pygmalion's pupils at the laboratory who helped him to + manufacture the bones and tissues and all the rest of it. They can turn + out a couple of new automatons; and you can model them as ancients if this + venerable pair will sit for you. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>decisively</i>] No. No more automata. They are too disgusting. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>returning from the temple</i>] Well, thats done. Poor old Pyg! + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Only fancy, Acis! Arjillax wants to make more of those abominable + things, and to destroy even their artistic character by making ancients of + them. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. You wont sit for them, will you? Please dont. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Children, listen. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>striding down the steps to the bench and seating himself next + Ecrasia</i>] What! Even the Ancient wants to make a speech! Give it mouth, + O Sage. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. For heaven's sake don't tell us that the earth was once + inhabited by Ozymandiases and Cleopatras. Life is hard enough for us as it + is. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: + it can be delightful. What I wanted to tell you is that ever since men + existed, children have played with dolls. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You keep using that word. What are dolls, pray? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. What you call works of art. Images. We call them dolls. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Just so. You have no sense of art; and you instinctively insult + it. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Children have been known to make dolls out of rags, and to + caress them with the deepest fondness. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Eight centuries ago, when I was a child, I made a rag + doll. The rag doll is the dearest of all. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>eagerly interested</i>] Oh! Have you got it still? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. I kept it a full week. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Even in your childhood, then, you did not understand high art, + and adored your own amateur crudities. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. How old are you? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Eight months. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. When you have lived as long as I have— + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>interrupting rudely</i>] I shall worship rag dolls, perhaps. + Thank heaven I am still in my prime. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. You are still capable of thanking, though you do not know + what you thank. You are a thanking little animal, a blaming little animal, + a— + </p> + <p> + ACIS. A gushing little animal. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. And, as she thinks, an artistic little animal. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>nettled</i>] I am an animated being with a reasonable soul and + human flesh subsisting. If your Automata had been properly animated, + Martellus, they would have been more successful. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. That is where you are wrong, my child. If those two + loathsome things had been rag dolls, they would have been amusing and + lovable. The Newly Born here would have played with them; and you would + all have laughed and played with them too until you had torn them to + pieces; and then you would have laughed more than ever. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Of course we should. Isnt that funny? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Yes; and take all the fun out of it. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Do not be so embittered because your sweetheart has + outgrown her love for you. The Newly Born will make amends. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh yes: I will be more than she could ever have been. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Psha! Jealous! + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh no. I have grown out of that. I love her now because + she loved you, and because you love her. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. That is the next stage. You are getting on very nicely, my + child. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Come! what is the truth that was hidden in the rag doll? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Well, consider why you are not content with the rag doll, + and must have something more closely resembling a real living creature. As + you grow up you make images and paint pictures. Those of you who cannot do + that make stories about imaginary dolls. Or you dress yourselves up as + dolls and act plays about them. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. And, to deceive yourself the more completely, you take + them so very very seriously that Ecrasia here declares that the making of + dolls is the holiest work of creation, and the words you put into the + mouths of dolls the sacredest of scriptures and the noblest of utterances. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Tush! + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Tosh! + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Yet the more beautiful they become the further they + retreat from you. You cannot caress them as you caress the rag doll. You + cannot cry for them when they are broken or lost, or when you pretend they + have been unkind to you, as you could when you played with rag dolls. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. At last, like Pygmalion, you demand from your dolls the + final perfection of resemblance to life. They must move and speak. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. They must love and hate. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. They must think that they think. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. They must have soft flesh and warm, blood. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. And then, when you have achieved this as Pygmalion did; + when the marble masterpiece is dethroned by the automaton and the homo by + the homunculus; when the body and the brain, the reasonable soul and human + flesh subsisting, as Ecrasia says, stand before you unmasked as mere + machinery, and your impulses are shewn to be nothing but reflexes, you are + filled with horror and loathing, and would give worlds to be young enough + to play with your rag doll again, since every step away from it has been a + step away from love and happiness. Is it not true? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Speak, Martellus: you who have travelled the whole path. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. It is true. With fierce joy I turned a temperature of a million + degrees on those two things I had modelled, and saw them vanish in an + instant into inoffensive dust. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Speak, Arjillax: you who have advanced from imitating the + lightly living child to the intensely living ancient. Is it true, so far? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. It is partly true: I cannot pretend to be satisfied now with + modelling pretty children. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. And you, Ecrasia: you cling to your highly artistic dolls + as the noblest projections of the Life Force, do you not? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world + unbearable. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>anticipating the She-Ancient, who is evidently going to + challenge her</i>] Now you are coming to me, because I am the latest + arrival. But I don't understand your art and your dolls at all. I want to + caress my darling Strephon, not to play with dolls. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. I am in my fourth year; and I have got on very well without your + dolls. I had rather walk up a mountain and down again than look at all the + statues Martellus and Arjillax ever made. You prefer a statue to an + automaton, and a rag doll to a statue. So do I; but I prefer a man to a + rag doll. Give me friends, not dolls. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Yet I have seen you walking over the mountains alone. Have + you not found your best friend in yourself? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. What are you driving at, old one? What does all this lead to? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. It leads, young man, to the truth that you can create + nothing but yourself. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>musing</i>] I can create nothing but myself. Ecrasia: you are + clever. Do you understand it? I don't. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. It is as easy to understand as any other ignorant error. What + artist is as great as his own works? He can create masterpieces; but he + cannot improve the shape of his own nose. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. There! What have you to say to that, old one? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. He can alter the shape of his own soul. He could alter the + shape of his nose if the difference between a turned-up nose and a + turned-down one were worth the effort. One does not face the throes of + creation for trifles. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. What have you to say to that, Ecrasia? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I say that if the ancients had thoroughly grasped the theory of + fine art they would understand that the difference between a beautiful + nose and an ugly one is of supreme importance: that it is indeed the only + thing that matters. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. That is, they would understand something they could not + believe, and that you do not believe. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Just so, mam. Art is not honest: that is why I never could stand + much of it. It is all make-believe. Ecrasia never really says things: she + only rattles her teeth in her mouth. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Acis: you are rude. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. You mean that I wont play the game of make-believe. Well, I don't + ask you to play it with me; so why should you expect me to play it with + you? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You have no right to say that I am not sincere. I have found a + happiness in art that real life has never given me. I am intensely in + earnest about art. There is a magic and mystery in art that you know + nothing of. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Yes, child: art is the magic mirror you make to reflect + your invisible dreams in visible pictures. You use a glass mirror to see + your face: you use works of art to see your soul. But we who are older use + neither glass mirrors nor works of art. We have a direct sense of life. + When you gain that you will put aside your mirrors and statues, your toys + and your dolls. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Yet we too have our toys and our dolls. That is the + trouble of the ancients. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. What! The ancients have their troubles! It is the first time I + ever heard one of them confess it. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Look at us. Look at me. This is my body, my blood, my + brain; but it is not me. I am the eternal life, the perpetual + resurrection; but [<i>striking his body</i>] this structure, this + organism, this makeshift, can be made by a boy in a laboratory, and is + held back from dissolution only by my use of it. Worse still, it can be + broken by a slip of the foot, drowned by a cramp in the stomach, destroyed + by a flash from the clouds. Sooner or later, its destruction is certain. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Yes: this body is the last doll to be discarded. When I + was a child, Ecrasia, I, too, was an artist, like your sculptor friends + there, striving to create perfection in things outside myself. I made + statues: I painted pictures: I tried to worship them. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. I had no such skill; but I, like Acis, sought perfection + in friends, in lovers, in nature, in things outside myself. Alas! I could + not create if. I could only imagine it. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. I, like Arjillax, found out that my statues of bodily + beauty were no longer even beautiful to me; and I pressed on and made + statues and pictures of men and women of genius, like those in the old + fable of Michael Angelo. Like Martellus, I smashed them when I saw that + there was no life in them: that they were so dead that they would not even + dissolve as a dead body does. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. And I, like Acis, ceased to walk over the mountains with + my friends, and walked alone; for I found that I had creative power over + myself but none over my friends. And then I ceased to walk on the + mountains; for I saw that the mountains were dead. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>protesting vehemently</i>] No. I grant you about the friends + perhaps; but the mountains are still the mountains, each with its name, + its individuality, its upstanding strength and majesty, its beauty— + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. What! Acis among the rhapsodists! + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Mere metaphor, my poor boy: the mountains are corpses. + </p> + <p> + ALL THE YOUNG [<i>repelled</i>] Oh! + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Yes. In the hardpressed heart of the earth, where the + inconceivable heat of the sun still glows, the stone lives in fierce + atomic convulsion, as we live in our slower way. When it is cast out to + the surface it dies like deep-sea fish: what you see is only its cold dead + body. We have tapped that central heat as prehistoric man tapped water + springs; but nothing has come up alive from those flaming depths: your + landscapes, your mountains, are only the world's cast skins and decaying + teeth on which we live like microbes. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Ancient: you blaspheme against Nature and against Man. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Child, child, how much enthusiasm will you have for man + when you have endured eight centuries of him, as I have, and seen him + perish by an empty mischance that is yet a certainty? When I discarded my + dolls as he discarded his friends and his mountains, it was to myself I + turned as to the final reality. Here, and here alone, I could shape and + create. When my arm was weak and I willed it to be strong, I could create + a roll of muscle on it; and when I understood that, I understood that I + could without any greater miracle give myself ten arms and three heads. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. I also came to understand such miracles. For fifty years I + sat contemplating this power in myself and concentrating my will. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. So did I; and for five more years I made myself into all + sorts of fantastic monsters. I walked upon a dozen legs: I worked with + twenty hands and a hundred fingers: I looked to the four quarters of the + compass with eight eyes out of four heads. Children fled in amazement from + me until I had to hide myself from them; and the ancients, who had + forgotten how to laugh, smiled grimly when they passed. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. We have all committed these follies. You will all commit + them. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh, do grow a lot of arms and legs and heads for us. It + would be so funny. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. My child: I am just as well as I am. I would not lift my + finger now to have a thousand heads. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. But what would I not give to have no head at all? + </p> + <p> + ALL THE YOUNG. Whats that? No head at all? Why? How? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Can you not understand? + </p> + <p> + ALL THE YOUNG [<i>shaking their heads</i>] No. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. One day, when I was tired of learning to walk forward + with some of my feet and backwards with others and sideways with the rest + all at once, I sat on a rock with my four chins resting on four of my + palms, and four or my elbows resting on four of my knees. And suddenly it + came into my mind that this monstrous machinery of heads and limbs was no + more me than my statues had been me, and that it was only an automaton + that I had enslaved. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Enslaved? What does that mean? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. A thing that must do what you command it is a slave; and + its commander is its master. These are words you will learn when your turn + comes. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. You will also learn that when the master has come to do + everything through the slave, the slave becomes his master, since he + cannot live without him. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. And so I perceived that I had made myself the slave of a + slave. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. When we discovered that, we shed our superfluous heads and + legs and arms until we had our old shapes again, and no longer startled + the children. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. But still I am the slave of this slave, my body. How am I + to be delivered from it? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. That, children, is the trouble of the ancients. For whilst + we are tied to this tyrannous body we are subject to its death, and our + destiny is not achieved. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is your destiny? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. To be immortal. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. The day will come when there will be no people, only + thought. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. And that will be life eternal. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I trust I shall meet my fatal accident before that day dawns. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. For once, Ecrasia, I agree with you. A world in which there were + nothing plastic would be an utterly miserable one. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. No limbs, no contours, no exquisite lines and elegant shapes, no + worship of beautiful bodies, no poetic embraces in which cultivated lovers + pretend that their caressing hands are wandering over celestial hills and + enchanted valleys, no— + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>interrupting her disgustedly</i>] What an inhuman mind you have, + Ecrasia! + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Inhuman! + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Yes: inhuman. Why don't you fall in love with someone? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. I! I have been in love all my life. I burned with it even in the + egg. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Not a bit of it. You and Arjillax are just as hard as two stones. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You did not always think so, Acis. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Oh, I know. I offered you my love once, and asked for yours. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. And did I deny it to you, Acis? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. You didn't even know what love was. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Oh! I adored you, you stupid oaf, until I found that you were a + mere animal. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. And I made no end of a fool of myself about you until I discovered + that you were a mere artist. You appreciated my contours! I was plastic, + as Arjillax says. I wasn't a man to you: I was a masterpiece appealing to + your tastes and your senses. Your tastes and senses had overlaid the + direct impulse of life in you. And because I cared only for our life, and + went straight to it, and was bored by your calling my limbs fancy names + and mapping me into mountains and valleys and all the rest of it, you + called me an animal. Well, I am an animal, if you call a live man an + animal. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You need not explain. You refused to be refined. I did my best to + lift your prehistoric impulses on to the plane of beauty, of imagination, + of romance, of poetry, of art, of— + </p> + <p> + ACIS. These things are all very well in their way and in their proper + places. But they are not love. They are an unnatural adulteration of love. + Love is a simple thing and a deep thing: it is an act of life and not an + illusion. Art is an illusion. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. That is false. The statue comes to life always. The statues of + today are the men and women of the next incubation. I hold up the marble + figure before the mother and say, 'This is the model you must copy.' We + produce what we see. Let no man dare to create in art a thing that he + would not have exist in life. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Yes: I have been through all that. But you yourself are making + statues of ancients instead of beautiful nymphs and swains. And Ecrasia is + right about the ancients being inartistic. They are damnably inartistic. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>triumphant</i>] Ah! Our greatest artist vindicates me. Thanks, + Martellus. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. The body always ends by being a bore. Nothing remains beautiful + and interesting except thought, because the thought is the life. Which is + just what this old gentleman and this old lady seem to think too. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Quite so. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Precisely. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>to the He-Ancient</i>] But you cant be nothing. What do + you want to be? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. A vortex. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. A what? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. A vortex. I began as a vortex: why should I not end as + one? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Oh! That is what you old people are, Vorticists. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. But if life is thought, can you live without a head? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. Not now perhaps. But prehistoric men thought they could + not live without tails. I can live without a tail. Why should I not live + without a head? + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is a tail? + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT A habit of which your ancestors managed to pure themselves. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. None of us now believe that all this machinery of flesh + and blood is necessary. It dies. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. It imprisons us on this petty planet and forbids us to + range through the stars. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. But even a vortex is a vortex in something. You cant have a + whirlpool without water; and you cant have a vortex without gas, or + molecules or atoms or ions or electrons or something, not nothing. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. No: the vortex is not the water nor the gas nor the atoms: + it is a power over these things. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. The body was the slave of the vortex; but the slave has + become the master; and we must free ourselves from that tyranny. It is + this stuff [<i>indicating her body</i>], this flesh and blood and bone and + all the rest of it, that is intolerable. Even prehistoric man dreamed of + what he called an astral body, and asked who would deliver him from the + body of this death. + </p> + <p> + ACIS [<i>evidently out of his depth</i>] I shouldn't think too much about + it if I were you. You have to keep sane, you know. + </p> + <p> + <i>The two Ancients look at one another; shrug their shoulders; and + address themselves to their departure.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. We are staying too long with you, children. We must go. + </p> + <p> + <i>All the young people rise rather eagerly.</i> + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Dont mention it. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. It is tiresome for us, too. You see, children, we have to + put things very crudely to you to make ourselves intelligible. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. And I am afraid we do not quite succeed. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Very kind of you to come at all and talk to us, I'm sure. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Why do the other ancients never come and give us a turn? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. It is difficult for them. They have forgotten how to + speak; how to read; even how to think in your fashion. We do not + communicate with one another in that way or apprehend the world as you do. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. I find it more and more difficult to keep up your + language. Another century or two and it will be impossible. I shall have + to be relieved by a younger shepherd. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Of course we are always delighted to see you; but still, if it tries + you very severely, we could manage pretty well by ourselves, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. Tell me, Acis: do you ever think of yourself as having to + live perhaps for thousands of years? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Oh, don't talk about it. Why, I know very well that I have only four + years of what any reasonable person would call living; and three and a + half of them are already gone. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You must not mind our saying so; but really you cannot call being + an ancient living. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>almost in tears</i>] Oh, this dreadful shortness of our + lives! I cannot bear it. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. I made up my mind on that subject long ago. When I am three + years and fifty weeks old, I shall have my fatal accident. And it will not + be an accident. + </p> + <p> + THE HE-ANCIENT. We are very tired of this subject. I must leave you. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is being tired? + </p> + <p> + THE SHE-ANCIENT. The penalty of attending to children. Farewell. + </p> + <p> + <i>The two Ancients go away severally, she into the grove, he up to the + hills behind the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + ALL. Ouf! [<i>A great sigh of relief</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Dreadful people! + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. Bores! + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Yet one would like to follow them; to enter into their life; to + grasp their thought; to comprehend the universe as they must. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Getting old, Martellus? + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. Well, I have finished with the dolls; and I am no longer + jealous of you. That looks like the end. Two hours sleep is enough for me. + I am afraid I am beginning to find you all rather silly. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. I know. My girl went off this morning. She hadnt slept for + weeks. And she found mathematics more interesting than me. + </p> + <p> + MARTELLUS. There is a prehistoric saying that has come down to us from a + famous woman teacher. She said: 'Leave women; and study mathematics.' It + is the only remaining fragment of a lost scripture called The Confessions + of St Augustin, the English Opium Eater. That primitive savage must have + been a great woman, to say a thing that still lives after three hundred + centuries. I too will leave women and study mathematics, which I have + neglected too long. Farewell, children, my old playmates. I almost wish I + could feel sentimental about parting from you; but the cold truth is that + you bore me. Do not be angry with me: your turn will come. [<i>He passes + away gravely into the grove</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. There goes a great spirit. What a sculptor he was! And now, + nothing! It is as if he had cut off his hands. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Oh, will you all leave me as he has left you? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Never. We have sworn it. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. What is the use of swearing? She swore. He swore. You have + sworn. They have sworn. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You speak like a grammar. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. That is how one ought to speak, isnt it? We shall all be + forsworn. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Do not talk like that. You are saddening us; and you are + chasing the light away. It is growing dark. + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Night is falling. The light will come back tomorrow. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. What is tomorrow? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. The day that never comes. [<i>He turns towards the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>All begin trooping into the temple.</i> + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>holding Acis back</i>] That is no answer. What— + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Silence. Little children should be seen and not heard. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>putting out her tongue at him</i>]! + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Ungraceful. You must not do that. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. I will do what I like. But there is something the matter + with me. I want to lie down. I cannot keep my eyes open. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. You are falling asleep. You will wake up again. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN [<i>drowsily</i>] What is sleep? + </p> + <p> + ACIS. Ask no questions; and you will be told no lies. [<i>He takes her by + the ear, and leads her firmly towards the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + THE NEWLY BORN. Ai! oi! ai! Dont. I want to be carried. [<i>She reels into + the arms of Acts, who carries her into the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Come, Arjillax: you at least are still an artist. I adore you. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Do you? Unfortunately for you, I am not still a child. I have + grown out of cuddling. I can only appreciate your figure. Does that + satisfy you? + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. At what distance? + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Arm's length or more. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Thank you: not for me. [<i>She turns away from him</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ARJILLAX. Ha! ha! [<i>He strides off into the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA [<i>calling to Strephon, who is on the threshold of the temple, + going in</i>] Strephon. + </p> + <p> + STREPHON. No. My heart is broken. [<i>He goes into the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ECRASIA. Must I pass the night alone? [<i>She looks round, seeking another + partner; but they have all gone</i>]. After all, I can imagine a lover + nobler than any of you. [<i>She goes into the temple</i>]. + </p> + <p> + <i>It is now quite dark. A vague radiance appears near the temple and + shapes itself into the ghost of Adam.</i> + </p> + <p> + A WOMAN'S VOICE [<i>in the grove</i>] Who is that? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. The ghost of Adam, the first father of mankind. Who are you? + </p> + <p> + THE VOICE. The ghost of Eve, the first mother of mankind. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Come forth, wife; and shew yourself to me. + </p> + <p> + EVE [<i>appearing near the grove</i>] Here I am, husband. You are very + old. + </p> + <p> + A VOICE [<i>in the hills</i>] Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + ADAM. Who laughs? Who dares laugh at Adam? + </p> + <p> + EVE. Who has the heart to laugh at Eve? + </p> + <p> + THE VOICE. The ghost of Cain, the first child, and the first murderer. [<i>He + appears between them; and as he does so there is a prolonged hiss</i>]. + Who dares hiss at Cain, the lord of death? + </p> + <p> + A VOICE. The ghost of the serpent, that lived before Adam and before Eve, + and taught them how to bring forth Cain. [<i>She becomes visible, coiled + in the trees</i>]. + </p> + <p> + A VOICE. There is one that came before the serpent. + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. That is the voice of Lilith, in whom the father and mother + were one. Hail, Lilith! + </p> + <p> + <i>Lilith becomes visible between Cain and Adam.</i> + </p> + <p> + LILITH. I suffered unspeakably; I tore myself asunder; I lost my life, to + make of my one flesh these twain, man and woman. And this is what has come + of it. What do you make of it, Adam, my son? + </p> + <p> + ADAM. I made the earth bring forth by my labor, and the woman bring forth + by my love. And this is what has come of it. What do you make of it, Eve, + my wife? + </p> + <p> + EVE. I nourished the egg in my body and fed it with my blood. And now they + let it fall as the birds did, and suffer not at all. What do you make of + it, Cain, my first-born? + </p> + <p> + CAIN. I invented killing and conquest and mastery and the winnowing out of + the weak by the strong. And now the strong have slain one another; and the + weak live for ever; and their deeds do nothing for the doer more than for + another. What do you make of it, snake? + </p> + <p> + THE SERPENT. I am justified. For I chose wisdom and the knowledge of good + and evil; and now there is no evil; and wisdom and good are one. It is + enough. [<i>She vanishes</i>]. + </p> + <p> + CAIN. There is no place for me on earth any longer. You cannot deny that + mine was a splendid game while it lasted. But now! Out, out, brief candle! + [<i>He vanishes</i>]. + </p> + <p> + EVE. The clever ones were always my favorites. The diggers and the + fighters have dug themselves in with the worms. My clever ones have + inherited the earth. All's well. [<i>She fades away</i>]. + </p> + <p> + ADAM. I can make nothing of it, neither head nor tail. What is it all for? + Why? Whither? Whence? We were well enough in the garden. And now the fools + have killed all the animals; and they are dissatisfied because they cannot + be bothered with their bodies! Foolishness, I call it. [<i>He disappears</i>]. + </p> + <p> + LILITH. They have accepted the burden of eternal life. They have taken the + agony from birth; and their life does not fail them even in the hour of + their destruction. Their breasts are without milk: their bowels are gone: + the very shapes of them are only ornaments for their children to admire + and caress without understanding. Is this enough; or shall I labor again? + Shall I bring forth something that will sweep them away and make an end of + them as they have swept away the beasts of the garden, and made an end of + the crawling things and the flying things and of all them that refuse to + live for ever? I had patience with them for many ages: they tried me very + sorely. They did terrible things: they embraced death, and said that + eternal life was a fable. I stood amazed at the malice and destructiveness + of the things I had made: Mars blushed as he looked down on the shame of + his sister planet: cruelty and hypocrisy became so hideous that the face + of the earth was pitted with the graves of little children among which + living skeletons crawled in search of horrible food. The pangs of another + birth were already upon me when one man repented and lived three hundred + years; and I waited to see what would come of that. And so much came of it + that the horrors of that time seem now but an evil dream. They have + redeemed themselves from their vileness, and turned away from their sins. + Best of all, they are still not satisfied: the impulse I gave them in that + day when I sundered myself in twain and launched Man and Woman on the + earth still urges them: after passing a million goals they press on to the + goal of redemption from the flesh, to the vortex freed from matter, to the + whirlpool in pure intelligence that, when the world began, was a whirlpool + in pure force. And though all that they have done seems but the first hour + of the infinite work of creation, yet I will not supersede them until they + have forded this last stream that lies between flesh and spirit, and + disentangled their life from the matter that has always mocked it. I can + wait: waiting and patience mean nothing to the eternal. I gave the woman + the greatest of gifts: curiosity. By that her seed has been saved from my + wrath; for I also am curious; and I have waited always to see what they + will do tomorrow. Let them feed that appetite well for me. I say, let them + dread, of all things, stagnation; for from the moment I, Lilith, lose hope + and faith in them, they are doomed. In that hope and faith I have let them + live for a moment; and in that moment I have spared them many times. But + mightier creatures than they have killed hope and faith, and perished from + the earth; and I may not spare them for ever. I am Lilith: I brought life + into the whirlpool of force, and compelled my enemy, Matter, to obey a + living soul. But in enslaving Life's enemy I made him Life's master; for + that is the end of all slavery; and now I shall see the slave set free and + the enemy reconciled, the whirlpool become all life and no matter. And + because these infants that call themselves ancients are reaching out + towards that, I will have patience with them still; though I know well + that when they attain it they shall become one with me and supersede me, + and Lilith will be only a legend and a lay that has lost its meaning. Of + Life only is there no end; and though of its million starry mansions many + are empty and many still unbuilt, and though its vast domain is as yet + unbearably desert, my seed shall one day fill it and master its matter to + its uttermost confines. And for what may be beyond, the eyesight of Lilith + is too short. It is enough that there is a beyond. [<i>She vanishes</i>]. + </p> + + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13084 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |