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diff --git a/old/13067.txt b/old/13067.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a12a4c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13067.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1710 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., +Jan. 31, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 31, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 31, 2004 [EBook #13067] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JAN. 31, 1891 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 31, 1891. + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +A ROW IN THE PIT; OR, THE OBSTRUCTIVE HAT. + + SCENE--_The Pit during Pantomime Time._ + + _The Overture is beginning._ + +[Illustration] + +_An Over-heated Matron_ (_to her Husband_). Well, they don't give +you much _room_ in 'ere, I _must_ say. Still, we done better than +I expected, after all that crushing. I thought my ribs was gone +once--but it was on'y the umbrella's. You pretty comfortable where you +are, eh. Father? + +_Father_. Oh, I'm right enough, I am. + +_Jimmy_ (_their Son; a small boy, with a piping voice_). If _Father_ +is, it's more nor what _I_ am. I can't see, Mother, I can't! + +_His Mother_. Lor' bless the boy! there ain't nothen to _see_ yet; +you'll see well enough when the Curting goes up. (_Curtain rises on +opening scene_). Look, JIMMY, ain't _that_ nice, now? All them himps +dancin' round, and real fire comin' out of the pot--which I 'ope it's +quite safe--and there's a beautiful fairy just come on, dressed so +grand, too! + +_Jimmy_. I can't see no fairy--nor yet no himps--no nothen! [_He +whimpers_. + +_His Mother_ (_annoyed_). Was there ever such a aggravating boy to +take anywheres! Set quiet, do, and don't fidget, and look at the +hactin'! + +_Jimmy_. I tell yer I can't _see_ no hactin', Mother. It ain't my +fault--it's this lady in front o' me, with the 'at. + +_Mother_ (_perceiving the justice of his complaints_). Father, the +pore boy says he can't see where he is, 'cause of a lady's hat in +front. + +_Father._ Well, _I_ can't 'elp the 'at, can I? He must put up with it, +that's all! + +_Mother._ No--but I thought, if you wouldn't mind changing places with +him--you're taller than him, and it wouldn't be in your way 'arf so +much. + +_Father._ It's always the way with you--never satisfied, _you_ ain't! +Well, pass the boy across--I'm for a quiet life, I am. (_Changing +seats._) Will _this_ do for you? + + [_He settles down immediately behind a very large, and furry, + and feathery hat, which he dodges for some time, with the + result of obtaining an occasional glimpse of a pair of legs on + the stage._ + +_Father_ (_suddenly_). D---- the 'at! + +_Mother._ You can't wonder at the _boy_ not seeing! P'raps the lady +wouldn't might taking it off, if you asked her? + +_Father._ Ah! (_He touches_ The Owner of the Hat _on the shoulder._) +Excuse me, Mum, but might I take the liberty of asking you to kindly +remove your 'at? [The Owner of the Hat _deigns no reply._ + +_Father_ (_more insistently_). _Would_ you 'ave any objection to +oblige me by taking off your 'at, Mum? (_Same result._) I don't know +if you _'eard_ me, Mum, but I've asked you twice, civil enough, to +take that 'at of yours off. I'm a playin' 'Ide and Seek be'ind it 'ere! + + [_No answer._ + +_The Mother._ People didn't ought to be allowed in the Pit with sech +'ats! Callin' 'erself a lady--and settin' there in a great 'at and +feathers like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a +stuffed himage! + +_Father_ (_to the Husband of The Owner of the Hat_). Will you tell +your good lady to take her 'at off, Sir, please? + +_The Owner of the Hat_ (_to her Husband_). Don't you do nothing of the +sort, SAM, or you'll _'ear_ of it! + +_The Mother._ Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might +_beyave_ as ladies when they come in the Pit! It's a pity her 'usband +can't teach her better manners! + +_The Father._ _'Im_ teach her! 'E knows better. 'E's got a Tartar +there, _'e_ 'as! + +_The Owner of the Hat._ SAM, are you going to set by and hear me +insulted like this? + +_Her Husband_ (_turning round tremulously_). I--I'll trouble you +to drop making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at, Sir. It's +puffickly impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage, with +all these remarks be'ind! + +_The Father._ Not more nor it is to _see_ what's going on on the stage +with that 'at in front! I paid 'arf-a-crown to see the Pantermime, I +did; not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at!... 'Ere, MARIA, blowed if +I can stand this 'ere game any longer. JIMMY must change places again, +and if he can't see, he must stand up on the seat, that's all! + + [_JIMMY is transferred to his original place, and mounts upon + the seat._ + +_A Pittite behind Jimmy_ (_touching up JIMMY's Father with an +umbrella_). Will you tell your little boy to set down, please, and not +block the view like this? + +_Jimmy's Father_. If you can indooce that lady in front to take off +her 'at, I will--but not before. Stay where you are, JIMMY, my boy. + +_The Pittite behind._ Well, I must stand myself then, that's all. I +mean to see, _somehow_! [_He rises._ + +_People behind him_ (_sternly_). Set down there, will yer? + + [_He resumes his seat expostulating._ + +_Jimmy_. Father, the gentleman behind is a pinching of my legs! + +_Jimmy's Father._ Will you stop pinching my little boy's legs! He +ain't doing you no 'arm--is he? + +_The Pinching Pittite_. Let him sit down, then! + +_Jimmy's Father._ Let the lady take her 'at off! + +_Murmurs behind._ Order, there! Set down! Put that boy down! Take orf +that 'at! Silence in front, there! Turn 'em out! Shame!... &c., &c. + +_The Husband of the O. of the H._ (_in a whisper to his Wife_). Take +off the blessed 'at, and have done with it, do! + +_The O. of the H._ What--_now_? I'd sooner _die_ in the 'at! + + [_An Attendant is called._ + +_The Attendant._ Order, there, Gentlemen, please--unless you want to +get turned out! No standing allowed on the seats--you're disturbing +the performance 'ere, you know! + + [_JIMMY is made to sit down, and weeps silently; the hubbub + gradually subsides--and The Owner of the Hat triumphs--for + the moment._ + +_Jimmy's Mother._ Never mind, my boy, you shall have Mother's seat in +a minute. I dessay, if all was known, the lady 'as reasons for keeping +her 'at on, pore thing! + +_The Father._ Ah, I never thought o' that. So she may. Very likely her +'at won't _come_ off--not without her _'air!_ + +_The Mother._ Ah, well, we musn't be 'ard on her, if that's so. + +_The O. of the H._ (_removing the obstruction_). I 'ope you're +satisfied _now_, I'm sure? + +_The Father_ (_handsomely_). Better late nor never, Mum, and we take +it kind of you. Though, why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust, I +dunno; for you look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than, what you did +in it--_don't_ she, MARIA? + +_The O. of the H._ (_mollified_). SAM, ask the gentleman behind if his +boy would like a ginger-nut. + + [_This olive-branch is accepted; compliments pass; cordiality + is restored, and the Pantomime proceeds without further + disturbance._ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING LIKE A SUBSCRIPTION! + +(_A PAGE FROM THE BOOK OF PHILANTHROPY._) + +The Committee waited impatiently the arrival of the Great and Good +Man. It was their duty to obtain a donation--an ample one--from the +Millionnaire whose charity was renowned far and wide, from one end of +the world to the other. At length he appeared before them. + +[Illustration] + +"What can I do for you?" he asked, with a smile that absolutely shone +with benevolence. + +"You know, Sir, that the claims of the poor in the Winter are +numerous, and difficult to meet?" + +"Certainly I do," returned the Man of Wealth, "and hope that you are +about to ask me for a subscription." + +"Indeed we were," cried the spokesman of the Committee, his eyes +filling with grateful tears. "May I put you down for five pounds?" + +"Five pounds!" echoed the Millionnaire, impatiently, "What is five +pounds?--_five thousand_ is much more like the figure! Now, I will +give you five thousand pounds on one condition." + +"Name it!" cried the Deputation in a breath. + +"The simplest thing in the world," continued the Millionnaire. "I +will give you five thousand pounds on the condition that you get +ninety-nine other fellows to do the same. Nay, you shall thank me when +all is collected. I can wait till then." + + * * * * * + +The above words were spoken more than thirty years ago. Since then +the Deputation have been waiting for the other fellows--and so has the +Millionnaire! + + * * * * * + +PROFESSOR V. PROFESSOR. + +PROFESSOR VIRCHOW seems by no means Koch-sure about the _tuberculosis_ +remedy. Indeed Professor KOCH finds that there is not only "much +virtue in an 'if,'" but much "if" in a VIRCHOW! He is inclined to sing +with SWINBURNE:-- + + "Come down, and redeem us from VIRCHOW." + + * * * * * + +THE FRIEND OF IRELAND AND THE WORDY KNIFE-GRINDER. + +(_IMITATION SAPPHICS SOME WAY AFTER CANNING AND FRERE._) + +[Illustration: _Wordy Knife-Grinder_. "STORY! GOD BLESS YOU! I HAVE +NONE TO TELL, SIR!"] + +_Friend of Ireland_:-- + + "Wordy Knife-Grinder! Whither are you going? + Dark is your way--your wheel looks out of order-- + Mitchelstown palls, and there seems no more spell in + O'BRIEN's breeches! + + "Wordy Knife-Grinder, little think the proud ones, + Who in their speeches prate about their Union- + Ism, what hard work 'tis to keep a Party + Tightly together! + + "Tell me, Knife-Grinder, what _your_ little game is. + Do you mean playing straight with me and others? + Or would you jocky Erin like a confounded + Saxon attorney? + + "Give us a glimpse of that same Memorandum! + Pledge yourself clear to what needs no explaining! + Prove that your plan is not quite a sham, sly-whittled + Down into nullity! + + "Ere I depart (if go I must, TIM HEALY) + Give me a pledge that I'm not sold for nothing. + Tell us in plain round words, without evasion, the + _True_ Hawarden story." + +_Knife-Grinder_. + + "Story! God bless yer! I have none to tell, Sir! + _Never_ tell stories, I; 'tis my sole business + This Wheel to turn with treadle and cry, 'Knives and + Scissors to grind O!' + + "Constabulary? Question of Land Purchase? + Number of Irish Members due in justice? + Never said aught about 'em; don't intend to-- + Not for the present. + + "I shall be glad to do what honour urgeth; + Grind on alone, if you will give me _carte-blanche_, + Make room for JUSTIN, and forbear to meddle + With politics, Sir!" + +_Friend of Ireland_. + + "_I_ give thee _carte-blanche?_ I will see thee blowed first-- + Fraud! whom no frank appeal can move to frankness-- + Sophist, evasive, garrulous, word-web-spinning + Subtle Old Spider!!!" + +[_Kicks the Knife-Grinder, overturns his Wheel, and exit in a fury of +patriotic enthusiasm and forcible language._ + + * * * * * + +CAPITAL AND LABOUR FORECAST; + +_OR, SIX OF ONE AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER._ + +Though in some quarters a better feeling was reported to have +prevailed, still, according to latest accounts, the outlook can +scarcely be regarded as satisfactory. A meeting of the Amalgamated +Engineering Tram-Drivers' Mutual Stand-Shoulder-to-Shoulder +Strangulation Society was held on Glasgow Green yesterday afternoon, +at which, amid a good deal of boisterous interruption, several +delegates addressed the assembled audience and recounted their recent +experiences up to date. There were still 1700 of the Company's old +hands out of work, and though, thanks to the profound enthusiasm, +"their just cause" had excited amidst the Trade Societies in the +South, by which, owing to subscriptions from no less important +bodies than the Bootmakers' Benevolent Grandmothers' Association, and +Superannuated Undertakers' Orphan Society, they had been able to stay +out and defy the Company, receiving all the while, every man of them, +a stipend of 3s. 9d. a-week, still they had almost come to the end +of their resources, and all that they had in hand towards next week's +fund for distribution, was L1 13s. 7-1/2d., received in coppers from +the Deputy-Chairman of the Metropolitan Boys' Boot-blacking Brigade, +accompanied with an intimation that that help must be regarded as +the last that can be counted on from that quarter. Under these +circumstances it became a question whether it was not almost time to +consider some terms of compromise. + +In the above sense one of the speakers addressed the meeting, but +he was speedily followed by another, who insisted that, "come +what might," they would stick to their latest terms, which were, a +three-hours' day--(_loud cheers_)--and time-and-three-quarters for +any work expected after three o'clock in the afternoon. (_Prolonged +cheering_.) + +A Delegate here rose, and said it was all very well their cheering, +but could they get it? (_A Voice, "We'll try!"_) For his part, the +speaker continued, he had had enough of trying. With wife and children +starving at home, he had only one course open to him, and that was, +to knock under to the Company and their ten-hours' day, if they would +have him. (_Groans, amid which the Speaker had his hat knocked over +his eyes, and was kicked out of the assembly_.) + +The discussion was then continued, much in the same vein, and +eventually culminated in a free fight, in which the Chairman got his +head broken, on declaring that a Motion further limiting the working +day to two hours and a half, was lost by a narrow majority. + +Yesterday afternoon the Directors' Mutual Anti-Labour Protection +Company met at their Central Offices for the despatch of their usual +business. The ordinary Report was read, which announced that though +the affairs of three great Railway Companies had "gone" literally "to +the dogs," still, the Directors of each had to be congratulated on +showing a firm front, in refusing to acknowledge even the existence +of their _employes_. The usual congratulatory Motions were put, +_pro forma_, and passed, and, amid a general manifestation of gloomy +satisfaction, the meeting was further adjourned. + + * * * * * + +"A SALVAGE MAN." + + Rudyard Kipling has hit on a picturesque plan; + He describes in strong language "the savage in Man." + Whilst amongst the conventions he raids and he ravages. + We'd like just a leetle more "Man" in his savages. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN SELF-DEFENCE. + +_Jones_ (_who has just told his best Story, and been rewarded with +a gentle smile_). "UPON MY WORD, WOMEN HAVEN'T GOT THE REAL SENSE OF +HUMOUR! WHY, WHEN I HEARD THAT STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME, ONLY LAST +WEEK, I SIMPLY ROARED!" + +_Miss Smith_. "SO DID I--ONLY IT WAS LAST YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR MUSICAL BOX. + +We sent our Musical Box (Cox being unable to accompany him on the +piano or any other instrument, by reason of the severe weather) to +hear STAVENHAGEN at St. James's Hall, Thursday last, the 22nd. Our +Musical B. was nearly turned out of the hall, he was in such ecstasies +of delight over a Beethovenly _concerto_, which "bangs Banagher," he +said, subsequently translating the expression by explaining, "that +is, beats BEETHOVEN." Our M.B. wept over a _cadenza_ composed by the +performer, and was only restored by the appearance--her first--of +Madame STAVENHAGEN, who gave somebody's grand _scena_ far better, +probably, than that somebody could have given it himself, set as +it was to fine descriptive music by the clever STAVENHAGEN, which +delighted all hearers, especially those who were Liszt-eners. +"Altogether," writes our Musical Box, "a very big success. Music is +thirsty work. I am now about to do a symphony in B. and S." + + * * * * * + +VICE VERSA. + + A poet in the _Forum_ asks the question, + "Is Verse in Danger?" 'Tis a wild suggestion! + Is Verse in Danger? Nay, _that_'s not the curse; + Danger (of utter boredom) is in Verse! + + * * * * * + +"ODD MAN OUT."--On Saturday last, the last among the theatrical +advertisements in the _Daily Telegraph_ was the mysterious one, +"MR. CHARLES SUGDEN AT LIBERTY," and then followed his address. "At +Liberty!" What does it mean? Has he been--it is a little difficult to +choose the right word, but let us say immured--has he been immured in +some cell?--for it does sound like a "sell" of another sort--and +has he at last effected a sensational escape? No doubt CHARLES, our +friend, will be able to offer the public a satisfactory explanation +when he re-appears on the Stage which suffers from his absence. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING OLD GOOSEBERRY AT THE HAYMARKET; + +_OR, THE DOOK, THE DANCING GIRL, AND THE LITTLE LAME DUCK._ + +What is to be admired in ENERY HAUTHOR JONES is not so much his work +but his pluck,--for has he not, in the first place, overcome the +prudery of the Lord Chamberlain's Licensing Department, and, in the +second place, has he not introduced on the boards of the Haymarket a +good old-fashioned Melodrama, brought "up to date," and disguised in +a Comedy wrapper? Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, and see _The Dancing +Girl_, a Comedy-Drama shall we call it, or, generically, a Play? +wherein the prominent figures are a wicked Duke,--_vice_ the "wicked +Baronet," now shelved, as nothing under the ducal rank will suit us +nowadays, bless you!--a Provincial Puritan family, an honest bumpkin +lover, a devil of a dancing woman who lives a double-shuffling sort of +life, an angel of a lame girl,--who, of course, can't cut capers but +goes in for coronets,--a sly, unprincipled, and calculating kind +of angel she is too, but an audience that loves Melodrama is above +indulging in uncharitable analysis of motive,--a town swell in the +country, a more or less unscrupulous land-agent, and a genuine, +honest "heavy father," of the ancient type, with a good old-fashioned +melodramatic father's curse ready at the right moment, the last relic +of a bygone period of the transpontine Melodrama, which will bring +tears to the eyes of many an elderly playgoer on hearing the old +familiar formula, in the old familiar situation, reproduced on +the stage of the modern Haymarket as if through the medium of a +phonophone. + +[Illustration: FINAL TABLEAU, ACT I. + +"O does not a Meeting (House) like this make amends?" + +_Ham Christison_ (_Clown_). "Ullo! Oh my! I'm a looking at yer!"] + +At all events, _Drusilla Ives, alias_ "the Dancing Girl "--though as +to where she dances, how she dances, and when she dances, we are left +pretty well in the dark, as she only gives so slight a taste of her +quality that it seemed like a very amateurish imitation of Miss KATE +VAUGHAN in her best day,--_Drusilla Ives_ is the mistress, neither +pure nor simple, of the _Duke of Guisebury_,--a title which is +evidently artfully intended by the, at present, "Only JONES" to be a +compound of the French "Guise" and the English "Bury,"--who from his +way of going on and playing old gooseberry with his property, might +have been thus styled with advantage: and so henceforth let us think +and speak of him as His Grace or His Disgrace the Duke of Gooseberry. + +This Duke of Gooseberry visits, "quite unbeknown,"--being, for this +occasion only, the Duke of Disguisebury,--his own property, the Island +of St. Endellion, just to see, we suppose, what sort of people the +Quaker family may be from which his mistress, the Dancing Quakeress +(and how funny she used to be at the Music Halls and at the Gaiety!), +has sprung. For some reason or other, the Dancing Quakeress has gone +to stay a few weeks with her family in the country, and while this +hypocritical Daughter of HERODIAS is with her Quaker belongings at +prayers in the Meeting House, the spirit moveth her to come out, +and to come out uncommonly strong, as, within a yard or so of the +building, she laughs and talks loudly with Gooseberry, and then in a +light-hearted way she treats the Dook to some amateur imitations of +ELLEN TERRY, finishing up with a reminiscence of KATE VAUGHAN; all +of which _al fresco_ entertainment is given for the benefit of the +aforesaid Gooseberry within sound of the sermon and within sight of +the Meeting House windows. Suddenly her rustic Quaker lover, a kind +of _Ham Peggotty_, lounges out of the Conventicle, which, as these +persons seem to leave and enter just when it suits them, ought rather +to be called a Chapel-of-Ease,--and, like the clown that he is, says +in effect, "I'm a-looking at yer! I've caught yer at it!" Dismay +of Dook and Dancer!! then Curtain on a most emphatically effective +situation. + +[Illustration: Two "Regular Dawgs" having a _tete-a-tete._] + +The Second Act is far away the best of the lot, damaged, however, by +vain repetitions of words and actions. To the house where Miss Dancing +Girl is openly living under the protection of Gooseberry, the Duke's +worthy Steward actually brings his virtuous and ingenuous young +daughter! If ever there were a pair of artful, contriving, scheming +humbugs, it is this worthy couple. Because the Duke saved her from +being run over by his own horses, therefore she considers herself +at liberty to limp after him, and round him, and about him, on every +possible occasion, to say sharp, priggish things to him, to make love +to him, and in the Third Act so craftily to manage as to spot him just +as he is about to drink off a phial of poison, which operation, being +preceded by a soliloquy of strong theatrical flavour and considerable +length, gives the lame girl a fair chance of hobbling down the stairs +and arresting the thus "spotted Nobleman's" arm at the critical +moment. Curtain, and a really fine dramatic situation. "Which nobody +can deny." + +[Illustration: ACT III. Pantaloon David Peggotty Gladstone Ives.] + +It is in this same Third Act that the fine old crusted melodramatic +curse is uncorked, and a good imperial quart of wrath is poured out on +his dancing daughter's head by the heavy father, who, in his country +suit, forces his way into the gilded halls of the Duke's mansion, past +the flunkeys, the head butler, and all the rest of the usual pampered +menials. An audience that can accept this old-fashioned cheap-novel +kind of clap-trap, and witness, without surprise, the marvellous +departure of all the guests, supperless, for no assigned cause, or +explicable reason, not even an alarm of fire having been given, will +swallow a considerable amount. + +The Fourth Act is an anticlimax, and shows up the faulty construction +of the drama. Of course the news comes that the Dancing Girl is dead, +and this information is brought by a Sainte Nitouche of a "Sister" of +some Theatrical Order (not admitted after half-past seven), whose very +appearance is a _suggestio falsi_. Equally, of course, a letter is +found, which, as exculpating Gooseberry, induces the old cuss of a +Puritan father to shake hands with the converted "Spotted Nobleman"; +but, be it remembered, the Dook is still his landlord, and the value +of the property is going up considerably. Then it appears that the old +humbug of an agent has sagaciously speculated in the improvement of +the island, and poor Gooseberry feels under such an obligation to that +sly puss of an agent's daughter, that, in a melancholy sort of way, +he offers her his hand, which she, the artful little hussy of a _Becky +Sharp_, with considerable affectation of coyness, accepts, and down +goes the Curtain upon as unsatisfactory and commonplace a termination +to a good Melodrama as any Philistine of the Philistines could +possibly wish. It would have been a human tragedy indeed had poor +Gooseberry poisoned himself, and the girl whose life he had saved had +arrived just too late, only to die of a broken heart. But that "is +quite another story." + +The piece is well played all round, especially by the men. Mr. TREE +is excellent, except in the ultra-melodramatic parts, where he is too +noisy. The very best thing he does is the perfect finish of the Second +Act, when, without a word, he sits in the chair before the fire lost +in dismal thought. This is admirable: as perfect in its dramatic force +as it is true to nature. It is without exception the best thing in the +whole piece. Mr. F. KERR as _Reginald Slingsby_, achieves a success +unequalled since Mr. BANCROFT played the _parvenu_ swell _Hawtree_. It +should be borne in mind that Mr. KERR only recently played admirably +the poor stuttering shabby lover in _The Struggle for Life. Il ira +loin, ce bon_ M. KERR. Miss JULIA NEILSON looks the part to the life: +when she has ceased to give occasional imitations of Miss ELLEN TERRY, +and can really play the part as well as she looks it, then nothing +more could be possibly desired. All the others as good as need be, or +can be. + +[Illustration: FINAL TABLEAU. + +Triumph of the Artful Agent and his lame Duck of a Daughter, Sybil +Slyboots, _alias_ Becky Sharp, afterwards the Merry Duchess of +Gooseberry.] + + * * * * * + +THE BOGEY, MAN! + +(_RETORT OF A LADY-PLAYER WHO PLAYS "FOR LOVE."_) + + ["No game was ever yet invented which held the female mind in + thrall save by indirect means. Where would croquet have been, + so far as the Ladies were concerned, without its Curates, or + lawn-tennis without its 'Greek gods' ... If men played for + nothing, they would find it dull enough."--JAMES PAYN] + + 'Tis mighty well for Menfolk at Womankind to gibe, + And swear they do not care for games without some lure or bribe, + But e'en in JAMES PAYN's armour there seems some weakish joints; + He does not care for "glorious Whist" unless for "sixpenny points!" + Whist! Whist! Whist! It charms the Bogey, Man: + Whist! Whist! Whist! He'll play it when he can. + But "pointless Whist," as PAYN admits, is not at all his plan; + You must have "money on" to please the Bogey, Man! + + Now, Ladies like to play "for love," a fault male hucksters blame, + But only sordid souls deny _that_ is the true "grand game." + Man's vulgarer ambition's not just to play well and win; + His eye is ever on the stakes, his interest on the "tin." + Whist! Whist! Whist! That blatant Bogey, Man! + Whist! Whist! Whist! He'll flout us when he can. + "Indirect means" though, after all, are portions of _his_ plan; + For all his brag he loves the "swag," the Bogey, Man! + + * * * * * + +MUM'S THE WORD! + + [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN presided lately at a Deaf-and-Dumb Meeting.] + + JOSEPH _reflecteth_:-- + Deaf-mutes make the best audience, I see; + _They_ gave me no rude flood of gibes to stem. + True, they were deaf, and so could not hear _me_, + But they were dumb, so _I_ could not hear them! + + * * * * * + +MADAME ROLAND RE-EDITED (_from a sham-Japanese point of view_).--O +LIBERTY! what strange (decorative) things are done in thy name! + + * * * * * + +JACK'S APPEAL. + + ["It is impossible for warrant-officers in the Navy not to + see that they are placed at a disadvantage as compared with + non-commissioned officers in the Army, and it must be + very difficult to persuade them that the two cases are + so essentially different as to afford no real ground for + grievance."--_The "Times," on "An Earnest Appeal on Behalf of + the Rank and File of the Navy_."] + +_Jack Tar to Tommy Atkins, loquitur_:-- + + TOMMY ATKINS, TOMMY ATKINS, penmen write pertikler fine + Of the Wooden Walls of England, and likeways the Thin Red Line; + But for those as form that Line, mate, or for those as man them Walls, + Scribes don't seem so precious anxious to kick up their lyric squalls. + Not a bit of it, my hearty; for one reason--it don't pay; + There is small demand, my TOMMY, for a DIBDIN in our day. + Oh, I know that arter dinner your M.P.'s can up and quote + Tasty tit-bits from old CHARLEY, which they all reel off by rote; + But if there _is_ a cherub up aloft to watch poor JACK, + That there cherub ain't a poet,--bards are on another tack. + + TOMMY ATKINS, TOMMY ATKINS, BULL is sweet on "loyal toasts," + And he spends his millions freely on his squadrons and his hosts, + But there isn't much on't, messmate, not so fur as _I_ can see, + Whether 'tis rant or rhino, that gets spent on you and me. + Still the _Times_ has took our case up,--werry handsome o' the _Times_!-- + I have heard it charged with prejudice, class-hate, and similar crimes, + But it shows it's got fair sperret and a buzzum as can feel + When it backs us with a "Leader" arter printing our "Appeal." + You are better off, my TOMMY, than the Navy Rank and File, + You _may_ chance to get promotion,--arter waiting a good while-- + But the tip-top of Tar luck's to be a Warrant Officer; + We ain't like to get no further, if we even get _as_ fur. + 'Tain't encouraging, my hearty. As for me, I'm old and grey, + 'Tis too late now for promotion if it chanced to come _my_ way; + And my knowledge, and my patter, and my manners--well I guess + They mayn't be percisely fitted for a dandy ward-room mess. + But the Navy of the Future, TOMMY ATKINS, is our care, + We have gone through many changes, and for others must prepare. + It will make the Navy popular, more prospect of advance; + And what I say is, TOMMY,--_let the young uns have a chance!_ + Some I know will cry "Impossible," and slate the scheme like fun. + Most good things are "impossible," my TOMMY,--_till they're done!_ + Quarter-decks won't fill from fokesels, not to any great extent; + But, give good men a better chance! I guess that's all that's meant. + As the _Times_ says, werry sensible and kind-like, preju_dice_, + Though strong at first, dies quickly, melts away like thaw-struck ice; + If every brave French soldier, with a knapsack on his back, + _May_ find a Marshal's baton at the bottom of that pack, + Why should not a true British Tar, with pluck, and luck, and wit, + Find at last a "Luff's" commission hidden somewheres in his kit? + + * * * * * + +WAKING THEM UP. + +_FLY-LEAF FROM AN ENERGETIC KAISER'S DIARY._ + +10 P.M.--Slip out of Opera and take somebody else's overcoat from +cloak-room when nobody is looking, jump into a four-wheeler, and drive +to station. Am recognised, and a special train is called out. Give +them the slip, and get into a horse-box of third-class omnibus-train +just about to start. + +10.15 P.M. t_ 2.30 A.M.--Still in horse-box. + +2.45 AM.--Stop at a big town. Hurry out. Stopped for ticket. Throw off +disguise of somebody else's overcoat, and declare myself. Guard called +out to escort me. When they are looking the other way, hide under +refreshment-counter, and get out of station unobserved on all-fours. +Am collared by a policeman. Again have to declare myself. Give +policeman twenty marks, bind him to silence, and borrow his official +cloak. Find out Burgomaster's address. Hammer at his front door till I +have stirred up the whole household. + +4 A.M. to 5 A.M.--Find out the Archbishop. Bang at his front door +till he puts his head out of window, and wants to know "What on +earth's the matter?" Hide round the corner. Repeat same business, with +more or less success, at the residence of the Chief Justice, then at +that of the Clerk of the Peace, and at those of any other officials +I can call to mind, winding up by a regular good row at that of the +General in Command. Trumpeter comes out. Take bugle from him, and give +the call. General in Command rubs his eyes sleepily, and says he'll be +down presently. + +5 A.M.--Hurry back to station. Catch early cattle-train going back to +Berlin. Jump on engine, and declare myself. Wire approach down line, +and tear away with the cattle, at seventy miles an hour, getting +back to Berlin just in time for breakfast. Fancy I woke them up! +Altogether, a very enjoyable outing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM. + +(_A Thaw Picture_.) + +WHAT MATTER AN INCH OR TWO OF SURFACE-WATER, IF THE ICE BE STILL SOUND +UNDERNEATH!] + + * * * * * + +"ROUGE ET NOIR!" + +OR, JONATHAN'S PERPLEXING PROBLEM. + +(_SOME WAY AFTER HOSEA BIGLOW'S "JONATHAN TO JOHN."_) + +_Jonathan (who has been reading the Articles on "The Negro Question in +the United States," in the English "Times") loq._:-- + + It may be ez you're right, JOHN, + And both my hands _are_ full; + _You_ know ez I can fight, JOHN, + (I've wiped out "Sitting Bull"). + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + We see our fix," sez he. + "The 'Thunderer's' paw lays down the law, + Accordin' to J.B. + To square it's left to _me_!" + + Blood ain't so cool as ink, JOHN; + Big words are easy wrote; + The "coons"--well, you don't think, JOHN, + I'll let 'em cut my throat. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + Ghost-dance must stop," sez he. + "Suppose the 'braves' and black ex-slaves + Hed b'longed to ole J.B. + Insted of unto me?" + + Ten art'cles in your _Times_, JOHN, + Hev giv me good advice. + I mind th' old Slavery crimes, JOHN. + I don't need tellin' twice. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess, + I only guess," sez he, + "Seven million blacks on his folks' backs + Would kind o' rile J.B. + Ez much ez it riles me!" + + The Red Man,--well, I s'pose, JOHN, + We'll hev to wipe _him_ aout. + Sech pizonous trash ez those, JOHN, + The world kin do without. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + Injuns must go," sez he. + "COOPER's Red Man won't fit our plan, + Though he once witched J.B. + As once he fetched e'en _me_!" + + The Black Man! Ah, that's wuss, JOHN. + The chaps wuz right, ay _joost_, + Who said the Slavery cuss, JOHN, + Wud yet come home to roost. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + The problem set," sez he, + "By that derned Nig. is black and big, + And fairly puzzles me, + Ez it wud do J.B." + + Your _Times_ would right our wrongs, JOHN, + --Always _wuz_ sweet on us!-- + But on dilemma's prongs, JOHN, + To fix me don't _you_ fuss. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess, + Though physic's good," sez he, + "It doesn't foller that he can swaller + Prescriptions signed J.B. + Put up by you for me!" + + Thet swaggerin' black buck Nig., JOHN, + Is jest a grown-up kid; + Ez happy as a ---- pig, JOHN, + When doin' wut he's bid. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + He's hateful when he's free. + Equal with _him_, that dark-skinn'd limb? + No; that will not suit _me_, + More than it wud J.B.!" + + Emigrate the whole lot, JOHN? + Well, that's a tallish task! + In Afric's centre hot, JOHN, + Send 'em to breed and bask? + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + _I_'d be right glad," sez he, + "But--_will they go?_ 'Tain't done, you know, + As easy as J.B. + Wud settle it--for me!" + + _Rouge_--there I see my way, JOHN. + But _Noir_--thet's hard to front! + It wun't be no child's play, JOHN, + Seven million Nigs to shunt. + Ole Uncle S. sez he, "I guess + We've a hard row," sez he, + "To hoe just now, but thet, somehow, + I fancy, friend J.B., + Your _Times_ may leave to _me_!" + + [_Left considering it._ + + * * * * * + + +WELCOME BACK! + + [Mr. SANTLEY, who has been long absent in Australia, + reappeared at St. James's Hall on Jan. 19, and was received + with great enthusiasm.] + + Back from your Australian trip! + _Punch_, my CHARLES, your fist must grip. + You have lighted on a time + When we're all chill, choke, and grime. + 'Twere no marvel, O great baritone, + Did you find your voice had nary tone. + But there's none like you can sing + "_To Anthea_," "_The Erl-King_." + SCHUBERT, GOUNOD, English HATTON, + Equally your Fine Art's pat on. + _Punch_ can never praise _you_ scantly. + _A votre sante_, good CHARLES SANTLEY! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ROUGE ET NOIR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. + +"ON THE SCENT."] + + * * * * * + +FOR _BETTER_--OR WORSE. + + [At the Anti-Gambling Demonstration recently held in Exeter + Hall, Sir RICHARD WEBSTER, the Attorney-General, said that it + was supposed by many that it was impossible to enjoy athletic + pursuits without becoming interested in a pecuniary sense. He + should therefore like to add, not for the purpose of holding + himself up as an example, that, during his entire interest in + sports of all kinds, he had never made a bet.] + + Ah! these are days when Recklessness, bereft of ready cash, + Will strive to remedy the void by speculative splash; + It is a salutary sight for Bankruptcy and Debt-- + Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. + + His interest in manly sports, an interest immense, + Was ne'er degraded to a mere "pecuniary sense;" + His boyhood's love of marbles leaves him nothing to regret-- + Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. + + Next, when a youth, the cricket-bat he first began to wield, + And "Heads or Tails?" re-echoed for the Innings through the field. + He sternly scorned to toss the coin, howe'er his friends might fret-- + Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. + + And when, an Undergraduate, he swiftly skimmed his mile, + And comrades staked with confidence on him their little pile, + He'd beg them not on his account in gambling ways to get-- + This good Attorney-General who never made a bet. + + To play for money ruins whist: and seldom can his Club + Persuade him to put counters (coins for Zulus!) on the rub; + He _has_ been known for lozenges to dabble with piquet; + He wasn't Chief Attorney then, nor was it _quite_ a bet. + + His wise profession's ornament, he looks on all such games + Far otherwise than RUSSELL does, than LOCKWOOD, HALL, or JAMES; + For pure platonic love of play he stands, unequalled yet-- + Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet. + + St. Stephen's, too, thinks much of him; but ah! his soul it pains + To know that Speculation o'er the lobby sometimes reigns; + He's chided OLD MORALITY and RANDOLPH and the set, + Beseeching them on bended knees to never make a bet. + + We all are fond of him, in short, the Boxes with the Gods; + That he's a first-rate fellow we would gladly lay the odds. + But no!--himself would veto that. We must not wound our pet + Precise Attorney-General who never made a bet. + + * * * * * + +THE ARISTOTELIAN TREASURE-TROVE. + + All have heard of "a Manuscript found in a Bottle," + But here is a waif with romance yet more fraught: + A newly-found treatise by old ARISTOTLE + Is flotsam indeed from the Ocean of Thought. + Oh, happy discoverer, lucky Museum! + Not this time the foreigner scores off JOHN BULL. + Teuton pundits would lift, for such luck, their _Te Deum_! + No SHAPIRA, _Punch_ hopes, such a triumph to dull! + May it all turn out right! Further details won't tire us. + We _may_ get some straight-tips from that Coptic papyrus! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON SKATIN'. + +Well, I begins to agree with them as says, and says it too as if they +ment it, that noboddy can reelly tell what is reel grand injiyment +till they trys it, and trys it farely, and gives it a good chance. I +remembers how I used to try and like Crikkit, when I was much yunger +than I am now, and stuck to it in spite of several black eyes when I +stood pint, and shouts of, "Now then, Butter-Fingers!" when I stood +leg, till a serten werry fast Bowler sent me away from the wicket with +two black and blew legs, and then I guv it up. I guv up Foot Ball for +simler reesuns, and have never attemted not nothink in the Hathlettick +line ewer since, my sumwat rapid increase in size and wait a hading me +in that wise resolooshun. + +But sumhow it appened, dooring the hawful whether we has all bin a +shivering threw for this long time, that I found my atenshun direckted +to the strange fack that, whilst amost ewerybody was busily engaged +in a cussin and swarin at the bitter cold and the dirty slippery sno, +ewerybody else seemed to be injying of theirselves like wun-a-clock. +Now it so appened that when waiting one day upon the young swell I +have before spoken of, at the "Grand 'Otel," he was jined by another +swell, who told him what a glorius day's skating he had been avin in +Hide Park! and how he ment to go agen to-morrer, "if the luvly frost +wood but continue!" + +So my cureosety was naterally egsited, and nex day off I gos to Hide +Park, and there I seed the xplanation of what had serprised me so +much. For there was hunderds and hunderds of not only spectably drest +Gents, but also of reel-looking Ladys, a skatin away like fun, and +a larfing away and injying theirselves jest as if it had bin a nice +Summer's day. Presently I append to find myself a standing jest by a +nice respectabel looking man, with a nice, cumferal-looking chair, +and seweral pares of Skates; and presently he says to me, quite +permiscus-like, "They all seems to be a injying theirselves, don't +they, Sir?" which they most suttenly did; and then he says to me, says +he, "Do you skate, Sir?" to which my natral pride made me reply, "Not +much!" "Will you have a pair on. Sir," says he, "jest for a trial?" +"Is there any fear of a axident?" says I. "Oh no. Sir," says he, "not +if you follers my hinstrucshuns." So I acshally sets myself down +in his chair, and lets him put me on a pair of Skates! The first +differculty was, how to get up, which I found as I coudn't manage +at all without his asistance; for, strange to say, both of my feet +insisted on going quite contrary ways. Howewer, by grarsping on him +quite tite round his waste, I at last manidged to go along three or +four slides, and then I returned to the chair, and sat down again; and +he was kind enuff to compliment me, and to say that he thort I was a +gitting on fust-rate, and, if I woud only cum ewery day for about a +week or so, he had no dowt but he shood see me a skating a figger of +hate like the best on 'em! + +Hencouraged by his truthfool remarks, I at larst wentured to let go of +him and try a few slides by myself, and shood no dowt have suckseeded +hadmerably, but my bootifal stick to which I was a trustin to elp me +from falling, slided rite away from me in a most unnatral manner, +and down I came on my onerabel seat, with such a smasher as +seemed to shake all my foreteen stun into a cocked-hat, to speak, +hallegorically, and there I lay, elpless and opeless, and wundring how +on airth I shood ever get up again. But my trusty frend and guide was +soon at my side, as the Poet says, but all his united force, with that +of too boys who came to his assistance, and larfed all the wile, as +rude boys will, coud not get me on my feet agen 'till my too skates +was taken off, and I agen found myself on _terror fermer_ on my +friend's chair. It took me longer to recover myself than I shood have +thort posserbel, but at larst I was enabled to crawl away, but not +'till my frend had supplied me with jest a nice nip of brandy, which +he said he kept andy in case of any such surprisin axidents as had +appened to me. + +So what with paying for the use of the skates, and the use of the +Brandy, and the use of the too boys, and the use of a handsum Cab to +take me to the "Grand," that was rayther a deer ten minutes skating, +and as it was reelly and trewly my fust attemt at that poplar and +xciting passtime, I think I may safely affirm--as I have alreddy done +to my better harf--whose langwidge, when I related my hadwentur, +is scarcely worth repeating, as it was most certenly not +complementary--that it shall be my larst. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REMINISCENCES OF SPORT IN THE SNOW.] + + * * * * * + +A FREEZING POINT. + +(_BY A FROZEN-OUT LOVER._) + + They tell me thou art cold, my sweet-- + A fact that scarcely odd is. + Gales half so cruel never beat + Against poor human bodies. + Cupid's attire is far too light + To weather Thirty Fahrenheit. + + How can a glow the soul entrance, + When frostbite nips the finger, + And blushes quit the countenance + To nigh the nostril linger! + Warmth were a miracle, in sight + And grip of Thirty Fahrenheit. + + Chill! chill to _me_, my Paradise!! + I'll not complain or curse on. + One cannot well be otherwise + To any mortal person. + Mere icebergs ambulant, we fight + Ferocious Thirty Fahrenheit. + + Cold art thou? Not so cold as I-- + Nought living could be colder. + I'm far too cold to sob or sigh, + Still less in passion smoulder. + I'm turning fast to something quite + As numb as Thirty Fahrenheit. + + * * * * * + +INFORMATION REQUIRED.--"Sir, I see a Volume advertised entitled, +_Unspoken Sermons_. I should be glad to know where these are preached, +as that's the place for yours truly, ONE WHO SNORES." + + * * * * * + +NEW BOOK OF IRISH LIFE.--_The Bedad's Sons_. By the Author of the tale +of Indian Life, _The Begum's Daughters_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DELIGHTS OF TRIAL BY JURY. + +THESE GENTLEMEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE IN A JUDICIAL FRAME OF MIND AFTER +HANGING ABOUT THE PRECINCTS OF THE COURT FOR SEVERAL DAYS, UNDER +PENALTY OF A HEAVY FINE, WHILE THEIR PRIVATE BUSINESS IN THE CITY AND +ELSEWHERE IS GOING TO THE DOGS. (WHY SHOULD NOT HALF-PAY OFFICERS DO +THE WORK, AND RELIEVE BUSY MEN?)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Thursday, January 22_.--Both Houses met to-day +after Christmas Recess. No QUEEN's Speech; no moving and seconding of +Address; no Royal Commission and procession of SPEAKER to Lords. All +seems strange, and spirits generally a little depressed. Only ROBERT +FOWLER rises superior to circumstances of hour. Blustering about the +Lobby "like Boreas," says CAUSTON. + +[Illustration: King Yah! Yah!] + +"Only not so rude," says HARRY LAWSON, jealous for the reputation of +Metropolitan Members, even though some sit on the Benches opposite. +With folded hands thrust behind coat-tails, rollicking stride, +thunderous voice, and blooming countenance, Sir ROBERT positively +pervades the Lobby. Personally receives POPE HENNESSY; shakes +hands with everybody; and finally halting for a moment under the +electric-lit archway leading into House, presents interesting and +attractive picture of the Glorified Alderman. + +Scotch Members take possession of Commons to-night. LORD ADVOCATE +brings in Bill, providing new machinery for private legislation; the +Scotch Members with one accord fall upon proposal, and tear it to +ribbons. Meanwhile other Members troop off to Lords, where spectacle +is provided which beats the pantomimes into fits. Two new Peers to +take their seats; procession formed in back room outside; enters from +below Bar. First comes Black Rod, with nothing black about him; then +Garter King-at-Arms, a herculean personage, fully five feet high, with +a dangerous gleam in his eye, and the Royal Arms of England quartered +in scarlet and blue and gold on his manly back. Behind, in red cloaks +slashed with ermine, the new Baron and his escort of two brother +Peers. There being no room for them to advance in due procession, they +fall into single file, make their way to the Woolsack, where sits that +pink of chivalry, that mould of fashion, that perfection of form, the +LORD HIGH CHANCELLOR. + +New Peer drops on one knee, presents bundle of paper to LORD +CHANCELLOR. L.C., coyly turning his head on one side, gingerly takes +roll, hands it to Attendant. New Peer gets up; procession bundles back +to table; here Gentleman in wig and gown gabbles something from long +document. New Peer writes his name in a book (probably promising +subscription towards expenses of performance.) Garter King-at-Arms +getting to the front trots off with comically short strides for +so great a dignity; New Peer and escort follow, Black Rod solemnly +bringing up rear. Garter King makes for Cross Benches by the +door; passes along one, the rest following, as if playing game of +Follow-my-leader. Garter King suddenly making off to the right, walks +up Gangway to row of empty Benches. Stops at the topmost row but one, +and passes along. New Peer wants to follow him. Garter King prods him +in chest with small stick, and tells him to go on to the Bench above. +This he does, with escort. Meanwhile, Black Rod left out in the cold. +Garter King motions to three Peers to be seated; tells them to put on +their cocked-hats; counts ten; nods to them; they rise to feet, uplift +cocked-hats in direction of LORD CHANCELLOR on Woolsack. He raises his +in return of salute. Three Peers sit down again. Garter King counts +ten; nods; up they get again, salute LORD CHANCELLOR; sit down once +more. "One--two--three--four--ten," Garter King mumbles to himself. +Once more they rise; salute LORD CHANCELLOR; then Garter King leading +the way, they march back to Woolsack. + +Garter King now introduces new Member to LORD CHANCELLOR. L.C. starts +as if he had never seen him before; then extends right hand; New Peer +shakes it, procession reformed, walks out behind Bar. A few minutes +later, another comes in, all the business done over again. Impressive, +but a little monotonous, and as soon as possible after its conclusion +Noble Lords go home. + +_Business done_.--In Commons, Private Bill Legislation Bill read a +Second Time. + +_Friday_.--WM. O'BRIEN, standing with tear-stained face on pier at +Boulogne waving wet handkerchief across the main, has drawn away +JUSTIN McCARTHY, who can't be back till Monday. PARNELL was to have +come down to-day, and, making believe to be still Leader of United +Irishmen, asked OLD MORALITY to set aside day for discussion of his +Motion on operation of Crimes Act. BRER FOX accordingly looked in +shortly after SPEAKER took the Chair. + +[Illustration: Dr. Channing in the Pulpit.] + +"Seen BRER RABBIT anywhere about, TOBY?" he asked. + +So I up and told him about McCARTHY's new journey to Boulogne. + +"Oh, indeed," said BRER FOX; "if that's the case, I think I won't +trouble House to-night. Got an engagement elsewhere; think I'll go and +keep it. Not used to hanging about here, as you know; awful bore +to me; but as long as BRER RABBIT comes here, I must be on spot to +vindicate my position. So I'll say ta-ta. No--never mind ringing for +fire-escape; can walk down the steps to-day." + +Thus there being no Irish Leader on the premises, and hardly any Irish +Members, had a rare chance for attending to British business. CHANNING +brought on question of working Overtime on the Railways; moved +Resolution invoking interference of Board of Trade. Question a little +awkward for Government. Couldn't afford to offend Railway Directors, +yet wouldn't do to flout numerous body of working-men, chiefly voters. +Proposed to shelve business by appointment of Select Committee. +Opposition not going to let them off so easily. Debate kept up all +night, winding up with critical Division; Government majority only 17. + +"And this," said OLD MORALITY, with injured look, "after PLUNKET's +brilliant oration on the time-tables of the London and North-Western +Railway Company! If he'd only illustrated it with magic-lantern, +things would have gone differently." But he was obstinate; said there +would be difficulty in arranging the slides, and so rejected proposal. + +_Business done_.--CHANNING's Resolution about Overtime on Railways +negatived by 141 Votes against 124. + + * * * * * + +HOMAGE TO SIR JAMES HANNEN. + +Sir,--As the recognised organ of the legal profession, will you permit +me to address you? It is common knowledge that within the last few +days the Right Honourable Sir JAMES HANNEN has been raised to a +dignity greater than that he has been able to claim for the last +eighteen years, when he has sat as President of the Probate, Divorce, +and Admiralty Division of the High Court of Justice. On leaving the +Court in which so many of us were known to him, he was kind enough +to say, "Those eighteen years had been eighteen years of happiness to +him, chiefly arising from the advantage he had had in having before +him habitually practising in that Court Barristers who had felt that +their part was just as important as his in the administration +of Justice, and who had assisted him enormously. Without their +assistance, his task would have been an arduous one, whereas it had +been, as he had said, an agreeable one." As I personally have had the +honour of appearing before his Lordship for many years, I think that +it is only right that I should make some acknowledgment of this kind +recognition of my services. + +It is quite true that I have felt, as Sir JAMES HANNEN suggests, that +my part (humble as it may have been) has been just as important as his +in the administration of Justice. But it is gratifying to me beyond +measure to learn that my invariable custom of bowing to his +Lordship on the commencement and conclusion of each day's forensic +duties--which has been the limit of my "habitual practice" in the +Probate Division--should "have assisted him enormously." I can only +say that, thanks to his unvarying kindness and courtesy, my daily +recognition of his greetings from the Bench, instead of being an +arduous task, has ever been an agreeable one. I have the honour to +remain, Sir, your very obedient servant, + +(_Signed_) + +A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-Handle Court, January 24, 1891._ + + * * * * * + +"PRO-DIGIOUS!"--In last Sunday's _Observer_ we read that at St. +Petersburg Madame MELBA, as _Juliette, "was recalled thirty-one times +before the proscenium._" The italics are ours, rather! If this sort of +thing is to be repeated during the Opera season here, and each gifted +singer is recalled in proportion to his or her merits, the audience +will not get away till the following morning. _Juliette_ must have +said, on the above-mentioned occasion, "Parting is such sweet sorrow, +That I could say 'good-night' until to-morrow." And the usual chorus +of operatic _habitues_ will be, "We won't go home till morning. Till +daylight doth appear!" with _refrain_, "For--she (or he)'s a jolly +good singer," &c., _ad infinitum_, or "_ad infi-next-nightum_." + + * * * * * + +THE FRIEZE OF THE PARTHENON. + +ENGLAND TO ATHENS:-- + + O Queen of Cities, with a crown of woe, + Scarred by the ruin of two thousand years, + By fraud and by barbarian force laid low, + Buried in dust, and watered with the tears + Of unregarded bondmen, toiling on, + Crushed in the shadow of their Parthenon; + + [Illustration] + + Mother of heroes, Athens, nought availed + The Macedonian's triumph, or the chain + Of Rome; the conquering Osmanli failed, + His myriad hosts have trampled thee in vain. + They for thy deathless body raised the pyre, + And held the torch, but Heaven forbade the fire. + + Then didst thou rise, and, shattering thy bands, + Burst in war's thunder on the Muslim horde, + Who shrank appalled before thee, while thy hands + Wielded again the imperishable sword, + The sword that smote the Persian when he came, + Countless as sand, thy virgin might to tame. + + Mother of freemen, Athens, thou art free, + Free as the spirits of thy mighty dead; + And Freedom's northern daughter calls to thee, + "How shall I help thee, sister? Raise thy head, + O Athens, say what can I give thee now, + I who am free, to deck thy marble brow?" + + +ATHENS REPLIES:-- + + Shot-dinted, but defiant of decay, + Stand my gaunt columns in a tragic line, + The shattered relics of a glorious day, + Mute guardians of the lost Athena's shrine. + The flame of hope, that faded to despair + Ere Hellas burst her chains, is imaged there. + + Yet one there was who came to her for gain, + Ere yet the years of her despair were run; + And with harsh zeal defaced the ruined fane + Full in the blazing light of Hellas' sun. + Spoiling my home with sacrilegious hand, + He bore his captives to a foreign land. + + Ilissus mourns his tutelary god, + Theseus in some far city doth recline: + Lost is the Horse of Night that erstwhile trod + My hall; the god-like shapes that once were mine + Call to me, "Mother save us ere we die, + Far from thy arms beneath a sunless sky." + + How shall I answer? for my arms are fain + To clasp them fast upon the rock-bound steep, + Their ancient home. Shall Athens yearn in vain, + And all in vain must woful Hellas weep? + Must the indignant shade of PHIDIAS mourn + For his dear city, free but how forlorn? + + How shall I answer? Nay, I turn to thee, + England, and pray thee, from thy northern throne + Step down and hearken, give them back to me, + O generous sister, give me back mine own. + Thy jewelled forehead needs no alien gem + Torn from a hapless sister's diadem. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., Jan. 31, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JAN. 31, 1891 *** + +***** This file should be named 13067.txt or 13067.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/0/6/13067/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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