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diff --git a/old/12872-8.txt b/old/12872-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c481af1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12872-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1809 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., +Jan. 24, 1891., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 24, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 10, 2004 [EBook #12872] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 24, 1891. + + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XII.--THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE. + +(_BY SHARK MUSSELL; AUTHOR OF "ERECT WITH A STOVE IN HER," "MY GYP +MADE TO WHEEZE," "THE ROMANCE OF A PENNY PARLOUR," "A HOOK FOR THE +BANNOCK," "FOUND THE GAL ON FIRE," "THE MYSTERY OF THE LOTION JAR," +"THE JOKES O' LEAD," &C., &C., &C._) + + ["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is a + regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps and + sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails. How + about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son of a + sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of thing's + played out. MARRYAT was all very well _in his day_, but that + day's gone. The public requires stories about merchant ships, + and, by Neptune, the public shall have them, with all kinds + of hairy villains and tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest + and no end of humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and + storms. That's me. So clear the decks, and here goes."] + + +CHAPTER I. + +We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea no ripple +was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his binoculars levelled +at the silent horizon for three-quarters of an hour by the saloon +clock. Far away in the murky distance of the mysterious empyrean, a +single star flashed with a weird brilliance down upon the death-like +stillness of the immemorial ocean. Yet the good old _Marlinspike_ +was rolling from side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid +expanse were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as +motionless as a country congregation during the rector's sermon. +Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an angry snap, +and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple under his white +cotton night-cap. + +[Illustration] + +"The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half to me, "is +trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even with her. I'll be +even with her." + +"You'll find it a very _odd_ thing to do," I said to him, jocosely. + +He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his full height +before me. + +"Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, meaning voice, +"can you take a star?" + +"Sometimes," I answered, humouring his strange fancy; "but there's +only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way off--however, I'll +try;" and, with that, I reached my arm up in the direction of the +solitary planet, which lay in the vast obscure like a small silver +candlestick, with a greenish tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far +below in the indigo flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came +sweeping up, no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face +of the silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered +by a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the hairy +coamings of the booby-hatch. + +"Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you can't +take a star, can you keep a watch?" + +"Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half amused at +his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in a crowd. It's +one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've had it for nigh +upon--" + +But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged on his +after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm, while the first +mate, Mr. SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep up with his rough +commanding officer by dangling to windward on the flemish horse, +which, as it was touched in the wind and gone in the forelegs, +stumbled violently over the buttery hatchway and hurled its +venturesome rider into the hold. + + +CHAPTER II. + +On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial saloon of +the _Marlinspike_. We were all there, all the characters, that is to +say, necessary for the completion of a first class three-volume ocean +novel. On my right sat the cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small +man with a fierce face and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and +says, "Zounds, Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him +was his wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a +Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the funny man. +As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be expected at any +moment to stagger to a porthole and call faintly for the steward. +Further down the table sat two young nincompoops, brought on board +specially in order that they might fulfil their destiny, and fill +out my story, by falling in love with the fluffy-haired English girl +who was sitting between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously +at both. There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm +und der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty, +whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose voice +has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness, while the +studied insolence of her manner first freezes her victims and then +incontinently and inconsistently scorches them. Eventually her proud +spirit will be tamed, probably by a storm, or a ship-wreck, or by +ten days in an open boat. I shall then secure your love, my peerless +ARAMINTA, and you will marry me and turn out as soft and gentle as +the moss-rose which now nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was +speaking. + +"Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by effects. +All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?" he went on, +looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and broken glass, +while his choleric face showed of a purple hue under the effort of +utterance. + +"Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to irritate +him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I produced my +note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for instance, do you +say to this?" + +But, what follows, needs another chapter. + + +CHAPTER III. + +I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and began. +"The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of canvas. Her +foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue out of the black +shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the swelling squares of her +studding-sails gleamed in the misty sheen of the pale luminary, +flinging her frosty light from point to point of the tapering masts, +which rose, rose, rose into the morning air, as though with intent +to pierce the glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast +ball of liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas, +where the foretopmaststay-sail--" + +"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man, suddenly. I +withered him with a look, and turned over the page. + +"Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of this +for a storm?--'The liquid acclivities were rising taller, and more +threatening. With a scream of passion the tortured ship hurled itself +at their deep-green crests. Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow, +were dashing down upon her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one +vast thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric flash +pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving deep. The +scud--' + +"I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I could +annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS, with his +dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the saloon. "By all +that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone mad, and the crew have +thrown off all disguise. We are manned by ourang-outangs!" + + +CHAPTER IV. + +Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued. We clewed +up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it spin upon its +heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to the bone, and a +tail of men hauled upon the halliards to mast-head the yard. Nothing +availed. We had to be wrecked and wrecked we were, and as I clasped +ARAMINTA's trustful head to my breast, the pale luminary sailing +through the angry wrack glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud +which-- + + [Here the MS. ends unaccountably.--ED. _Punch_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN INTERESTED PARTY. + +_St. Bernard's Dog_ (_confidentially to Mr. Chaplin_). "NEVER MIND +THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH +IT!"] + + * * * * * + +CANINE CONFIDENCES. + + _Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture, loquitur_-- + + POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off again! + _That_ is not the way, my friend, cruel _rabies_ to restrain. + Take my tip! + As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too preposterous by half, + Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or calf + One sharp nip. + + It is _doggish_ interest hydrophobia to stamp out; + 'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can doubt + Who has sense. + They who think we doggies share old maid's sentimental fad, + Just as though it really were a dog's _privilege_ to go mad, + Must be dense. + + Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at times, + But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of crimes, + Than go free, + With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe a bite. + And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my master's sight, + Don't suit _me_! + + Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each sex; + Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent public vex + With crass rules. + Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon relaxed; + Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or teased, or taxed, + Else they're fools. + + Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, and _all round_, + Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or hound, + Will give thanks + To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp out + Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency, and without + Pottering pranks! + + Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same sense, + So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect immense, + What they say. + Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and yelping pet; + I for every dog of _nous_ in the country speak, you bet. + Try! _Good_-day! + + [_Trots out, comfortably muzzled_. + + * * * * * + +MOST APPROPRIATE.--We see, from some recently-reported proceedings, +that the present Inspector appointed under the Infant Life Protection +Act is "Mr. BABEY." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION. + +_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own +reflection, writes as follows:--_ + +"I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see? + +"I see a pair of laughing, _espiègle_, forget-me-not blue eyes, +saucy and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with +its ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play +hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from +underneath the satin folds of a _rose-thé_ dressing-gown, a dainty +foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco +slipper," &c., &c. + +(_Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu._)] + + * * * * * + +A COMING MEETING. + +(_REPORTED FROM THE RAILWAY INTELLIGENCE OF 1892._) + +The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received with a +feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared he had no +better Report to make to the shareholders. ("_Oh! oh!_") It is +true that he had one fact to mention, which was a matter of supreme +congratulation, and he needn't say that that was that they hadn't +yielded a single inch to the men. ("_Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh! +we've had enough of 'that'!")_ It is also true that this firm and +unflinching front had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved +the Company in no little difficulty. (_Prolonged groans._) He was +sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to announce +to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even to the holders +of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had further to inform them, +that, owing to some difficulty in settling the account of their coal +contractors, these last had taken proceedings against them, and had +seized not only all the contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also +the whole of their rolling-stock. (_Prolonged wailing._) He grieved +to say that the last two engines that the Company possessed, and which +they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the Edinburgh terminus, +were unfortunately discovered and seized last night. (_Groans._) +Still, the Company did not despair of being able to carry on, at +least, a portion of the Passenger Traffic (_Feeble laughter._) They +might meet the statement with a manifestation of ridicule--but +such was the case. It was with a sense of pride in their method of +triumphing over difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a +train of cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve +o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors themselves. +("_Oh! oh!")_ They could not say anything about _the pace_ at which +the train would travel, but that, _with time_, it would do the +distance he had little, if any doubt. It is true that in a similar +experiment on a neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the +first tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope +their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but this +unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from making the +experiment on their own behalf. (_Jeers._) He was sorry to see that +the ordinary stock of the Company, which, a twelvemonth since, had +touched 128-3/8,--could not now find purchasers in the Market at +7-1/2. (_Groans._) But he hoped for better times. ("_Oh! oh!_") But, +come what would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were, +"_No Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No Concession!_" +Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country come to ruin, the +Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared not. The Directors had +put their foot down, and, whether right or wrong, whatever happened, +_there_ they meant, with a good down-right national and pig-headed +obstinacy, to keep it. + +The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being interrupted +by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close his remarks, the +proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt conclusion, in a scene of +considerable confusion. + + * * * * * + +THE "STRAIT" TIP. + + Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain + That for your country's weal you're caring; + But, clever Yankee, _Punch_ would thank 'ee + Not to be quite so _over-Behring!_ + + * * * * * + +NEW VERSION.--Every dog must have his--_year_ (of muzzling). + + * * * * * + +THE GAME OF PEACE. + +[Illustration] + +_April_.--Grand informal meeting of the Crowned Heads of Europe (with +the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a scheme of general disarmament, +at which the Emperor of GERMANY creates a profound sensation by the +announcement that, as a hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself +gone on to the retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the +Pomeranian Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a +second-class fortress. + +_May_.--By arrangement, all the great powers call in the uniforms of +all their troops and present them to the King of the BELGIANS, on the +understanding that, as the Emperor of the Congo, he shall forthwith +transport them to Africa, and instantly commence the clothing of seven +millions of the naked native population. + +_June_.--One hundred and eighty thousand horses, with military +training, coming suddenly on to the market, four-in-hand Hansoms at a +penny an hour, become common in all the great European capitals, and +the Derby, for which there are 1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony, +trained in Siberia. + +_July_.--The barrels of all the magazine rifles melted down, and +recast, utilised for the production of type-writers, which, being +produced in large quantities, are supplied with instruction gratis +to all the children attending the establishments of the London School +Board, the stocks of the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of +billiard-cues, walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles. + +_August_.--It being resolved to use up all the gunpowder without +delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is inaugurated at Vienna, +St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and London, the show in the last-named +capital including a gigantic set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles +of the World, which is given five times successively every evening at +the Crystal Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from +6 P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured rockets. + +_September_.--The last 101-ton gun having been melted down for the +forging of the metal piles for one of the four newly-projected Channel +bridges, a nasty international feeling, fermented by General Officers +who are obliged to sweep crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a +livelihood,--and who do not like it,--begins to manifest itself, and +diplomacy intervening irritably only to make matters worse, several +ultimatums are dispatched from some of the Great Powers to others, +but owing to the want of soldiers, the matter is put into the hands +of International Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the +President of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of +GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow falls +through for the moment, and the public excitement subsides. + +_October_.--General note from all the Great Powers to each other +announcing their secession from the "League of Peace," and declaring +their intention of resorting again to "_Protective Armament_" as soon +as possible. War declared all round before the end of the month. + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION. + +IN THE CENTRAL HALL. + +_A Thrifty Visitor_ (_on entering_). Catalogue? No. What's the use +of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you +nothing you don't know! + +_His Wife_ (_indicating a pile of Catalogues on table_). Aren't +_these_ big enough for you? + +_The Thr. V._ Those? Why, they're big enough for the _London +Directory_! Think I'm going to drag a thing like that about the place? +You don't really want a Catalogue--it's all your fancy! + +_Mr. Prattler_ (_to Miss AMMERSON_). Oh, _do_ stop and look at these +_sweet_ goldfish! Pets! Don't you _love_ them? _Aren't_ they tame? + +_Miss Ammerson_. Wouldn't do to have them _wild_--might jump out and +_bite_ people, you know! + +_Mr. P._ It's _too_ horrid of you to make fun of my poor little +enthusiasms! But really,--couldn't we get something and feed +them?--_Do_ let's! + +_Miss A._ I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restaurant--or +chocolates. + +_Mr. P._ How unkind you are to me! But I don't care. (_Wilfully._) I +shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are +you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits? +Well, you must tell me who they all are then, and which are the +Guelphiest ones. + +IN THE ROYAL ROOM. + +_Considerate Niece_ (_to Uncle_). They seem mostly Portraits here. +You're sure you don't _mind_ looking at them, Uncle? I know so many +people _do_ object to Portraits. + +_Uncle_ (_with the air of a Christian Martyr_). No, my dear, no: _I_ +don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like, I'll sit down and look +at the people, till you've done. + +_First Critical Visitor_ (_examining a View of St. James's Park_). +I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect--there's two +Highlanders there, you see. + +_Second C.V._ Shouldn't wonder--lot o' work in that, all those +different colours, and so many dresses. [_Admires, thoughtfully._ + +_A Well-read Woman_. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is. GEORGE THE +THIRD's wife, you know--her that was so _domestic_. + +_Her Companion_. Wasn't that the one that was shut up in the Tower, or +something? + +_The W.W._ In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, _I_ never 'eard of it. +You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o' that lot, I expect! + +_Her Comp._ Am I? I daresay. I never _could_ remember 'Istry. Why, +if you'll believe me, I always have to stop and think which of the +GEORGES came first! + +_More Critical Visitors_ (_before Portraits_). He's rather +pleasant-looking, don't you think? I _don't_ like _her_ face at all. +So peculiar. And what a hideous dress--like a tea-gown without any +upper part--frightful! + +_A Sceptical V._ They all seem to have had such thin lips in those +days. Somehow, I _can't_ bring myself to believe in such very thin +lips--can _you_, dear? + +_Her Friend_. I always think it's a sign of meanness, myself. + +_The S.V._ No; but I mean--I can't believe _everyone_ had them in the +eighteenth century. + +_Her Friend_. Oh, I don't know. If it was the fashion! + +ABOUT THE CASES. + +_Visitor_ (_admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the time of GEORGE +THE SECOND--a highly popular exhibit_). What lovely work! Why, it +looks as if it was done yesterday! + +_Her Companion_ (_who is not in the habit of allowing his enthusiasm +to run away with him_). Um--yes, it's not bad. But, of course, they +wouldn't send a thing like that here without having it washed and done +up first! + +_An Old Lady_. "Tea-pot used by the Duke of WELLINGTON during his +campaigns." So he drank _tea_, did he? Dear me! Do you know, my dear, +I think I must have _my_ old tea-pot engraved. It will make it so much +more interesting some day! + +IN THE SOUTH GALLERY. + +_Mr. Prattler_ (_before a Portrait of Lady HAMILTON, by ROMNEY_). +There! Isn't she too charming? I do call her a perfect _duck_.' + +_Miss Ammerson_. Yes, you mustn't forget her when you bring those +biscuits. + +_An Amurrcan Girl_. Father, see up there; there's BYRON. Did you erver +see such a purrfectly beautiful face? + +_Her Father_ (_solemnly_). He was a beautiful _Man_--a beautiful Poet. + +_The A.G._ I know--but the _expression_, it's real saint-like! + +_Father_ (_slowly_). Well, I guess if he'd had any different kind of +expression, he wouldn't have written the things he _did_ write, and +that's a fact! + +_A Moralising Old Lady_ (_at Case O_). No. 1260. "Ball of Worsted +wound by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs. UNWIN." NO. 1261. +"Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet." How very nice, and what a +difference in the habit of literary persons _nowadays_, my dear! + +IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--_MR. WHITEROSE, A JACOBITE FIN DE SIÈCLE, IS +SEATED ON A BENCH BESIDE A SEEDY STRANGER._ + +_The S.S._ (_half to himself_). Har, well, there's one comfort, these +'ere GUELPHS'll get notice to quit afore we're _much_ older! + +_Mr. Whiterose_ (_surprised_). You say so? Then--you too are of the +Young England Party! I am rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a +sign that the good Cause is advancing. + +_The S.S._ Advancin'? I believe yer. Why, I know a dozen and more as +are workin' 'art and soul for it! + +_Mr. W._ You do? We are making strides, indeed! Our England has +suffered these usurpers too long. + +_The S.S._ Yer right. But we'll chuck 'em out afore long, and it'll be +"Over goes the Show" with the lot, eh? + +_Mr. W._ I had no idea that the--er--intelligent artisan classes were +so heartily with us. We must talk more of this. Come and see me. Bring +your friends--all you can depend upon. Here is my card. + +_The S.S._ (_putting the card in the lining of his hat_). Right, +Guv'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more gents like yer, I do! + +_Mr. W._ We are united by a common bond. We both detest--do we +not?--the Hanoverian interlopers. We are both pledged never to rest +until we have brought back to the throne of our beloved England, +her lawful sovereign lady--(_uncovering_)--our gracious MARY of +Austria-Este, the legitimate descendant of CHARLES the Blessed Martyr! + +_The S.S._ 'Old on, Guv'nor! Me and my friends are with yer so fur +as doing away with these 'ere hidle GUELPHS; but blow yer MARY of +Orstria, yer know. Blow _'er_! + +_Mr. W._ (_horrified_). Hush--this is rank treason! Remember--she is +the lineal descendant of the House of Stuart! + +_The S.S._ What of it? There won't be no lineal descendants when we +git _hour_ way, 'cause there won't be nothing to descend to nobody. +The honly suv'rin _we_ mean to 'ave is the People--the Democrisy. But +there, you're young, me and my friends'll soon tork you over to hour +way o' thinking. I dessay we ain't fur apart, as it is. I got yer +address, and we'll drop in on yer some night--never fear. No hevenin' +dress, o' course? + +_Mr. W._ Of course. I--I'll look out for you. But I'm seldom +in--hardly _ever_, in fact. + +_The S.S._ Don't you fret about _that_. Me and my friends ain't +nothing partickler to do just now. We'll _wait_ for yer. I should like +yer to know ole BILL GABB. You should 'ear _that_ feller goin' on agin +the GUELPHS when he's 'ad a little booze--it 'ud do your 'art good! +Well, I on'y come in 'ere as a deligate like, to report, and I seen +enough. So 'ere's good-day to yer. + +_Mr. W._ (_alone_). I shall have to change my rooms--and I _was_ so +comfortable! Well, well,--another sacrifice to the Cause! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +There was a bronze group by POLLET among the specimens of sculpture in +the French _Salon_, some twenty years ago,--"It may be more or less +an hour or so," as the poet sings,--representing a female form being +carried upwards in the embrace of a rather evil-looking Angel. It +illustrated a poem by the Vicomte ALFRED DE VIGNY, which I remember +reading, in consequence of this very statue having come into my +possession (it was afterwards sold at Messrs. CHRISTIE, MANSON & +WOODS, under the style and title of "Lot 121, _Elsa_"), and it +occurs to me that it was on precisely the same theme as the other +ALFRED's--not the _Vicomte_ but _Mister_ ALFRED AUSTIN's--"_The Tower +of Babel_," which I have just read with much pleasure, and, with some +profit; the moral, as I take it, being favourable to the Temperance +cause, as a warning against all spirits, good, bad, or indifferent. +_Afrael_, the inhabitant of a distant star, falls in love with +_Noema_, the wife of the atheistical Babelite _Aran_, to whom she has +borne a son, aged in the poem, as far as I can make out, about eight +years, and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes _Noema_ at least +twenty-five, supposing she married at sweet seventeen, and, indeed, +she alludes to herself in the poem as no longer in her first youth. + +Well, _Aran_, who is very far from being a domestic character, is +struck down by avenging lightning at the destruction of the Tower +of Babel, and _Noema_ is left a widow, with her child, who has been +protected in the _mêlée_ by the Spirit _Afrael's_ taking him out of +it, and restoring him to his mother's arms. When, after this, the +infatuated spirit-lover _Afrael_ requests _Noema_ to say the word +which shall make a man of him, and a husband of him too at the same +time, she modestly refuses, until she has had a decent time to order +her widow's weeds at her milliner's and wear them for about a month or +so, at the expiration of which interval _Afrael_ may, if he be still +of the same mind, call in again, and pop the question. + +_Afrael_ bids good-bye to the Upper House, and, his heart being +ever true to _Poll_--meaning _Noema_--he returns, makes an evening +call upon her, and asks her, in effect, "Is it to be '_Yes-ema_,' +or '_No-ema_'?" The bashful widow chooses the former, and the +Spirit-lover _Afrael_, renouncing his immortality, i.e., giving +up spirits, becomes plain _Mr. Afrael_, and an ordinary, as far as +anybody can judge, a very ordinary mortal, showing what a change a +drop of spirits can effect in a constitution. Now I should like the +poem "continued in our next." I should like to hear _how_ they got +on together: and, as longevity was considerable in those patriarchal +days, I should like to know how they got on together when _Afrael +Esquire_ was 195, and his wife, _Noema_, was 200. Did _Afrael_ never +again take to his spirits? Or, did he become miserable and hipped +having entirely lost his spirits? Did his wife never make sarcastic +reference to the "stars" with whom he had formerly been acquainted? +And how about her boy, his step-son? Did they have any family? Whence +came the money? + +Perhaps Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN (whose works are being printed by MACMILLAN +in a collected form, and among them _The Satire_ now historic) +will give us an entirely new volume on the same subject, telling an +expectant public all about _Mr._ and _Mrs. Afrael chez eux_, and, in +fact, something spicy about this strangely assorted couple; for Poet +ALFRED will do well to remember and act upon his own dictum when, in +the preface to _The Satire_, he observed, and with truth, that had he +originally "written with the grave decorum of a secluded moralist, +he would" by this time "have gone down into the limbo of forgotten +bores." + +Into that limbo A.A. will never descend. It is delightful to find +him dedicating his book to Lord LYTTON, to whom--when L.L. was +OWEN MEREDITH, ALFREDO _mio_ had pointed out that, "in one serious +particular, he had overlooked parental admonition," and observing on +that occasion that, "had OWEN MEREDITH even a glimpse of the truth, +we" (A.A. himself, in 1861, much "we"-er then than now--"_et alors, il +grandira, il grandira!_") "should have been spared the final _tableau_ +of repentance and forgiveness which concludes _Lucile_." But, thank +goodness, we (the Baron, and his literary friends) have _not_ been +spared the touching picture of repentance and forgiveness in ALFRED +AUSTIN's dedicating his latest poem to Lord LYTTON. _Sic transit ira +poetarum!_ + +In _The Season_ ALFREDO sang-- + + "I claim the precious privilege of youth, + Never to speak except to speak the truth." + +But those lines were not written the day before yesterday, and as he +can no longer "claim" the aforesaid "precious privilege," he can in +his more mature years "go as he pleases." And there is so much "go" +in him that he always pleases; so the Baron anticipates the sequel to +_The Tower of Babel_ on the lines already suggested, presumptuous as +it may seem to suggest lines to a poet. + +_Phra the Phoenician_, a very clever idea, with which BULWER would +have performed mysteriously thrilling wonders, but which Mr. ARNOLD +has written at once too heavily and treated too lightly, in too much +of a "so-called nineteenth century style;" which is a pity, as it is +full of dramatic incident, and the interest well kept up through some +two thousand years or so, more or less. He is a wonder is _Mister +Phra_, and might well be called _Phra Diavolo_ instead of _Phra the +Phoenician_. Sir EDWIN ARNOLD has written a preface to the volume, +and seems to express a wish that the wonders here recorded could be +possibilities of everyday life. But, if so, as _Mr. Weller, Senior_, +observed, _à propos_ of "there being a Providence in it," "O' course +there is, SAMMY; or what 'ud become o' the undertakers?" And as to +cremation--well, such an utter corporeal extinction would be the +only way of putting an end to the terrestrial existence of _Phra the +Phoenician_, who, however, "might rise," as _Mrs. Malaprop_ would say, +"like a Phoenician from the ashes." + +The appearance of _A New Lady Audley_ is rather late in the +half-century as a "skit" on Miss BRADDON's celebrated novel. Now and +then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the whole, poor stuff, says +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +My faithful "Co." has been reading poetry and prose, and thus +communicates the result of his studies:--There is genuine but +unassuming poetry, which is, after all, only another way of saying +fine feeling finely expressed, in _Corn and Poppies_, by COSMO +MONKHOUSE (ELKIN MATHEWS). Much of the verse is musical, and there +is throughout a vein of thoughtfulness which never degenerates into +a morbid brooding. I commend particularly "Any Soul to any Body," +"A Dead March," and "Mysteries," as good examples of Mr. MONKHOUSE's +style. So much for verse. Let me now to prose. Like my baronial Chief, +I say, "Bring me my boots!" and let them be thick, so that I may +trudge safely through Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING's latest, "_The Light that +Failed" (Lippincott's Monthly Magazine_, January). This is described +as Mr. KIPLING's first long story. His publishers, moreover, are good +enough to take all the trouble of criticism upon their own shoulders. +They declare that "there is more stern strength in this novel than +in anything which Mr. KIPLING has written;" but that is, after all, +only a comparative statement, which profits me little, as I never yet +estimated the amount of "stern strength" in Mr. KIPLING's previous +writings. I am, however, told, in addition, that the tale "is as +intensely moving as it is intensely masculine" (there's lovely +language!) "and it will not be surprising if it should prove to be +the literary sensation of the year." To such an expression of opinion +by competent judges it would be futile to attempt to add very much. +I will only say, therefore, that the "sensation" produced in me by +this novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever experienced. The +characters are, for the most part, inordinately dull, preposterously +conceited, and insufferably brutal. As for _Dick Heldar_, the hero, no +more disagreeable and hateful bully-puppy ever thought and talked in +disconnected gasps through ninety-seven pages. The catastrophe moves +no pity. Mr. KIPLING seems to despise the public, "who think with +their boots, and read with their elbows;" but so clever a man might +surely show his contempt less crudely. KIPLING, I love thee, but never +more write such another tale! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +_Hostess_. "WON'T YOU TRY SOME OF THAT JELLY, HERR SILBERMUND?" + +_Herr Silbermund_ (_who has just been helped to Pudding_). "ACH, ZANK +YOU, NO. I VOOT 'RAHZER PEAR VIZ ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN VLY TO OZZERS ZAT +VE KNOW NOT OF.'" [_Herr S. is particularly proud of his knowledge of +Shakspeare._]] + + * * * * * + +"WORSE THAN EVER!" + +FARMER SMITH _LOQUITUR_:-- + + "To market, to market, to buy a fat pig!" + Yes, so runs the old-fashioned nursery rhyme, + And a porker that's plump, and round-barrel'd and big, + Is good business,--or used to be once on a time. + But now, they're the horriblest nuisance on earth + Are Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they're worth. + + I begin to believe 'twould be better by far + If Pigs, like the Dodo, extinct could become. + They involve one in nothing but jangle and jar, + And as to large profits, why that's all a hum. + "Please the Pigs?" That's absurd, a mere obsolete wheeze, + For Pigs are precisely the beasts you _can't_ please! + + Gee up, _Dobbin_, old lad! Home's in sight; you have borne + My burden, and that of my basket, right well, + Your carrying power some neighbours would scorn, + But you're sound and good grit, though you mayn't look a swell. + We're starting, lad, after our short half-way halt, + If we don't make good time it will not be our fault. + + We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick, + My basket well loaded a feather-weight seemed, + The road was so smooth, and your canter so quick, + 'Twas better, old lad, than we either had dreamed. + A great disappointment to some folk, I think. + Then we halted half-way for a rest and a drink. + + That big Irish Pig, which had plagued us so oft. + Was away,--running after its head or its tail! + Oh joy, _Dobbin_, dear, to jog on, and go soft, + No row, no obstruction by hedge-gap or rail. + Ah, then they discovered the pace and the pith + Of _Dobbin_ the dull, and his mount, Farmer SMITH. + + Now all seems smooth sailing! Hillo! What was that? + A squeak? Nay, it sounds like a chorus of squeaks! + Don't shy, my dear _Dobbin_--you'll shake off my hat. + The lane here grows narrow. Who's there? No one speaks. + But that raucous "hrumph! hrumph!" that cacophonous yell! + 'Tis Pig-noise, and Irish--I know it so well. + + It is right in the road, it is plump in the gap. + Steady, _Dobbin_! Don't halt for this hullaballoo-- + Gee up! and go steady, now there's a good chap. + What, the same plaguy Pig! Nay, by Jove, _there are two!_ + And they're fighting each other, these porkers perverse, + In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and worse! + + [_Whips up Dobbin._ + + * * * * * + +KOCH SURE! + +SCENE--_A PLACE OF MEETING. ENTER BROWN AND JONES. THEY SALUTE ONE +ANOTHER_. + +_Brown_ (_excitedly_). Have you heard the good news? + +_Jones_ (_stolidly_). What good news? + +_Brown_. That Dr. KOCH has at length revealed his secret? + +_Jones_ (_startled_). No, has he! Dear me! And that I should have +missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence! And so he has told an +anxiously-expectant world the cause of his success! Can _you_ explain +the matter to me? + +_Brown_ (_cheerfully_). With the assistance of the Public Press, to be +sure I can. See here, I will give you the solution to the problem, as +told by the Journals, "without puzzling technicalities." + +_Jones_. I hang upon your words with an impatience that +politeness--the outcome of civilisation--alone renders endurable. + +_Brown_. Then you must know that Dr. KOCH has discovered that the +remedy for tuberculosis consists of a glycerine extract of a pure +cultivation of tubercle bacilli, the local effect of which, when +injected into a healthy guinea-pig, produces a nodule found at the +point of inoculation, which, when a second puncture is perpetrated, +causes what may be called the bacillary fluid to be brought into the +current of its circulation, so that the infected tissue may react upon +the agent which it had previously been able to resist. I am not quite +sure that I have got the _exact_ words, but that's the idea. Simple, +isn't it? + +_Jones_. Very! [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WORSE THAN EVER!" + +FARMER SMITH. "TUT-T-T! _TWO OF 'EM!_ BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY +ONE!!"] + + * * * * * + +DOMESTIC MELODIES. + +(_BY SANCHO PRESTON PANZA._) + +WINTER BATH-SONG. + + For weeks the sun each morn arose + As 'tis his nature to, + But little difference he made + Sopp'd by the fog's asthmatic shade; + From day's beginning till its close + The day no brighter grew. + Above the sheets, the sleeper's nose + Peep'd shyly, as afraid, + While 'neath the dark and draughty flue + The burnt-out cinders meanly strew + The hearth, where now no firelight glows, + No waiting warmth is laid. + + Full many a morn I sprang from bed, + As o'er the deadly brink + The wretch, with courage of despair, + Leaps from the slimy river-stair, + By hopeless hope unthinking sped, + Ere he can pause to think. + Cold as the efforts of the dead, + The needle-atom'd air, + Impinged upon the limbs that shrink. + On shivering shanks, and eyelids pink, + And bound its bands about the head, + And chill'd the underwear. + + The frost that held us in its grip, + Would raise the prisoning paw, + And Nature, like a mouse set free, + Enjoyed delusive liberty, + While every water-pipe must drip + To greet the passing thaw. + Then rudely dashed from eager lip + The cup of joy would be, + And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw, + Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw, + And on the steps the goodmen slip, + And shout the major D. + + Long like a fossil tipsy-cake + The sponge each morn appeared; + The bath, if plenished over-night, + Was frozen ere the morning light, + And more that frigid water-ache + Than unwashed days I feared, + Now while the milder zephyrs shake + Once more the winter's might, + My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared, + Shall dree no more a lonely weird; + And as young ducks to water take, + Shall be my bath ward flight. + + * * * * * + +GOOD DEVON! + +Mr. W.H. SMITH will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay on Monday, +for the opening of Parliament. + + 'Tis pity of you, OLD MORALITY, + Back from your rest to loud banality. + After St. Stephen's shindy, Devon + No doubt appeared a very heaven: + But cream's as much like water chalky + As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky! + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF INITIALS. + +"Often as I may have been invited," Mr. T.M. HEALY is reported to +have said, in the course of a recent speech, "I never yet put a toe +inside his house." Memorable words. Henceforth, name changed to +TOE-AND-HEALY, M.P. + + * * * * * + +A WORD TO MOTHERS. + + [A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently spoken of a play as + "just the play in which growing girls will delight."] + + O Anxious Mothers, come and listen + To what just now I've got to say. + If I'm not wrong, your eyes will glisten + Before the end of this my lay. + With strong affection overflowing-- + Your children are indeed your pearls-- + You can't help feeling pleased at knowing + The play's the thing--for growing girls! + + The pages of a lady's journal + I've very often read with care, + The news, the gossiping eternal, + You're always sure of getting there. + Of how you ought to bind your tresses, + The latest styles, the tint in hair, + And there I've seen the kind of dresses + It's right for growing girls to wear. + + But never once the slightest mention + Of what they'd better go and see, + And yet it's clear that some attention + To such a thing there ought to be. + For sentiment and love they're frantic, + They're fond of knights and belted earls, + A play that's just the least romantic-- + Yes, that's the play for growing girls. + + A crowing child, who loves to prattle, + Can easily be kept at rest. + You've only got to get a rattle, + Or p'raps a dolly would be best. + A bouncing boy will blow a bubble, + And want no more the livelong day; + But if a growing girl gives trouble, + You've got to take her to the play! + + * * * * * + +A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS. + + [An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane + principles.] + +_Arrive in Africa_.--Convinced that real way of taming the savage +heart is by _Feminine Tact_. No need of brutal habits of male +adventurers. Two negresses, from "Ole Virginny," with me, who said +they would like to "see Africa again"; a few Arabs, to carry our +baggage. Intend to study home-life of African tribes, and to get them +to talk into my phonograph. + +[Illustration] + +_Month Later_.--Have had to exhibit more Feminine Tact than I +expected. Got entangled in swampy forest on Zambesi (I think), and +Arabs declined to extricate us unless their pay was doubled! Also one +of negresses--horrid woman!--has deserted me--come to place that she +pretended to recognise as her native village, and said she meant to +stay! Tact useless with females! + +_On Lake Tanganyika_--or if it isn't Lake Tanganyika, it's _an +entirely new lake_,--which I have been the first to discover! Suffer a +good deal from fever and queer diet. Am studying native home-life. + +_Later_.--Have left two Arabs and my remaining negress on Lake, and +gone myself to look for STANLEY's Dwarfs. Told that TIPPOO TIB is +somewhere about. Also advised to be very careful not to fall in with +the "man-eating Manyuema." + +_Still Later_.--Did fall in with them! Also fell out with them. +They made all preparations for using me as a side-dish at a cannibal +banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and released me. + +_Tanganyika again!_--Back here safe and sound! TIPPOO TIB turned out +most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry me!--with a hundred other wives +already! Not prepared for _this_ sort of home-life. Managed to get +away by describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he +let me go, to bring one back _at once_. + +Find that my "rear-guard"--the negress and Arabs--have been up to +fearful pranks during my absence. Negress killed and ate one of Arabs, +and then other Arab killed and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I +shall have him punished when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there +first, and publish a book showing _me_ up! + +_Latest_.--Left alone in middle of Africa, with a phonograph, several +bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now is--will Feminine Tact +show me road to Zanzibar? + + * * * * * + +UNIVERSITY HONOURS.--"SMITH's Prizeman"--ARTHUR BALFOUR. The "Senior +Wrangler" (for several years past)--Mr. GLADSTONE. + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK. + +(_FOR THE USE OF PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR +ENTERTAINERS._) + +_The Meeting of Parliament_.--This is not a very promising subject, +but mild mirth may be produced in outlying districts (say Southend or +Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party +went to pieces was a happy one--in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly +speaking, is _not_ a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by +a burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members of +Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to address their +colleagues _standing_, there would he little chance of a _seated_ +discussion. But you must, however, take care to cough when you say +_seated_, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant _bon-mot_ may +know that you mean _heated_. + +_The Revolt in Chili_.--The name of the place in which the +disturbances have occurred will help you effectively to remark that +the outbreak is seasonable during the present inclement weather. As +the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service +with the rioters, you can suggest "that knaves would, of course, be +supported by the _Navy_!" This may lead up to a really magnificent +burst of waggery in the assertion that the dissentients must of +necessity be "all at sea." + +_The New Archbishop of York_.--Insist that his Grace is a Scotchman, +and not an Irishman, and prove your proposition by declaring that +the road to success was "MACGEE's (pronounced MAGGIE's) secret!" +This really splendid flash of humour will bear polishing--as written +it seems a little in the rough. You may refer to the Primate's +universally acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that +"ever since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as +an _arch_ Bishop!" These entertaining quibbles, delicately handled, +should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock tea in a Deanery. + +_The New Play at the Haymarket_.--As the plot turns upon the doings of +the Society of Friends, you may extract a jest by saying "that many +of the characters trembled with anxiety before its production--in +fact, were _quakers_!" The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has +frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it may +yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, "At the fall of the +Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a _bough_!" + +_The Weather_.--Of course you must introduce this subject, and as +everything that _can_ be said _has_ been said about it, you may quote +SYDNEY SMITH as your authority for observing, that the only possible +sport for M.F.H.'s at this time of the year must be "_hunt--the +slipper!_" If the point of this "good thing" is not immediately +obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and not with you. +And this quaint oddity should satiate your audience with mirth and +merriment until next week--and even longer! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A COLD RECEPTION: OR PARLIAMENT MEETING IN A BLIZZARD.] + + * * * * * + +STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR. + +(_IN SUPPLEMENT OF "HARPER."_) + +BY MONSIEUR VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. + +[Illustration] + +Forget at this moment where I was born, but I lived long enough at +Marseilles to be married in that great southern French city. My wife's +father had been in the Marines; her uncle (on the grandfather's side) +had been a _Sapeur pompier_. Thus did I, as it were, become _lié_ with +the sea and land forces of my adopted country. My wife's mother was +a descendant of a noble but anonymous family in the Vosges, whilst +her maternal uncle was accustomed to attach to himself some local +unpopularity by preferring for investigation a complicated sheet which +set forth his genealogy, tracing his origin back to the Bourbons. + +You ask me which Bourbon? I frankly answer, I cannot tell. My wife's +maternal uncle spoke of them as "_the_ Bourbons," just as you talk +of "_the_ Groceries," and no one asks you _Lequel_? As for my own +ancestry, I do not speak of it. I have never been in the habit of +thrusting myself on the attention of the public. It is sufficient +for me that my wife's maternal uncle's ancestors were Bourbons. + +I first began to take charge of public affairs in connection with +an election that took place in the city where I found myself. M. +DE LESSEPS opposed THIERS and GAMBETTA. He presented himself as an +independent candidate. Was he? I suspected. Already I had my secret +agents in every centre of population. One, whose letter bore the +post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my hand proof that DE LESSEPS was an +official candidate of the Empire. I secretly conveyed this information +to a local newspaper. The news burst like a tempest on the public of +Marseilles, and swept away in its irresistible whirl the candidature +of M. DE LESSEPS. + +This was pretty well for a first newspaper paragraph, worth at the +time, as I remember thinking, more than the paltry three sous a line +that became my due. But I had made more than a few sous--I had made an +enemy! Years after, BISMARCK told me how, chatting with NAPOLEON THE +THIRD at Donchery, that fallen monarch had recalled this incident, in +which his prophetic eye justly discerned the beginning of the end. He +admitted that he had said to the EMPRESS, "France is too small for me +and VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. One of us must cross _la Manche_." + +Sublime! One of us did. + +But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought me to leave +Marseilles. Towards the end of this year (1869) I took their advice, +and retired to a small property I chanced to have in the centre of +the Landes. This place being dry, and somewhat remote, was peculiarly +suitable for watching the growth of great problems with a mind +unbiassed by any knowledge of facts. I saw the Franco-German question +grow, and I foresaw how it would end. I wrote to THIERS, and told +him all about it. When the war broke out I mounted my stilts, and +cautiously made my way across the untrodden track, following my +Destiny. I had predicted the downfall of the Empire, and, in its last +gasp, the Empire strove to wither me. Proceedings had been commenced, +when Sedan put an end to them. + +At this epoch France was on her knees, beaten down by the German hand, +her eyes blind with blood and tears. One thing alone could cheer her. +I could do it, and I did. I applied for Letters of Naturalisation. +Some weeks later I became a French citizen, and received a letter from +M. ADOLPH CRÉMIEUX, then Minister of Justice, and never suspected +of being a wag. He wrote: "Your application for Naturalisation in +the midst of our great disasters, is for me the signal of a new life +for us. A country which in the midst of such catastrophes recruits +citizens like you, is not to be despaired of." + +Years after, THIERS, then President of the Republic, said, "I +never will forget that you became a Frenchman in the time of our +misfortunes." EDMUND ABOUT picturesquely said, "_Il s'est fait +naturaliser vaincu._" BISMARCK has told me that the Emperor WILLIAM, +then at Versailles, in the first flush of triumph at touch on his brow +of the Imperial diadem, hearing of the event through the capturing +of a balloon despatched with the news to dolorous Paris, passed a +sleepless night. + +"I fear me" he said, "all will now be lost." + +"Not at all, your Majesty," said BISMARCK, affecting an indifference +he assures me he did not feel. "There is not even a Frenchman the +more. They have lost an Emperor and gained VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. +_Ce met égal._" + +"Not quite," said the Emperor, with subtle flattery. The Emperor +WILLIAM, though he had his failings, was a keen judge of the +comparative value of men. + +The limits of this article compel me to glance hastily over succeeding +epochs in a career with the main drift of which the civilised world +is already familiar. After saving Marseilles to the Republic, by a +series of actions alternating between desperate valour and brilliant +strategy, I went to Paris to report on the great event. Calling on the +official entrusted with the duty of considering claims to decorations, +I began at once by saying that my own name must not be taken into +consideration. + +"Let my name," I said, gently but firmly, "be scored out in the +proposed list of decorations." + +"_Mais, Monsieur_" he said, "there is no such list." + +I, however, was not to be put off with excuse of that kind. I +insisted, both to the Secretary of the Minister of War, to M. THIERS, +that I should not be decorated. I was only too successful. When the +list came out, all my associates at Marseilles were decorated. I was +not included. This was all right. It was what I had requested. I could +say nothing. All the same, I could not help thinking that my advice +had been too literally accepted. + +Every morning, for a week after, I called on M. THIERS. At the end +of the sixth day he said, "You must go to Riga. I do not quite know +where it is, but it sounds remote. You shall be Consul at Riga." I was +delighted. Like the President, I was not sure where Riga was; but the +salary was certain, and there was fine old Roman flavour about the +title Consul. + +But it was not to be. I was predestined to be a great Newspaper +Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in this chapter. I +will only say that early in my new career I secured the approbation of +Mr. DELANE, who, I need scarcely say, was the most competent judge the +world ever saw of the merits of a journalist. + +At the risk of being dry and bald, I have confined myself to telling +accurately what has happened, my greatest ambition being to leave no +one the chance of misrepresenting, as his whim, fancy, or passion may +dictate, facts in which I am so deeply interested. Let those note +them who, after my time, have to defend my memory should it ever be +attacked. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "The Shinner Quartette;" or, Musical Football.] + + * * * * * + +"MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE."--Breach of Promise +cases--as a rule. + + * * * * * + +A GENERAL VIEW OF "PRIVATE INQUIRY." + +[Illustration] + +I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I go to the play, to wish to +be amused. I frankly admit I do not care to be taught a lesson, or to +have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some psychological study. +I can remember WRIGHT, and even HARLEY, and the days when a good +piece of fun was the last item of the programme at the Adelphi and +the Olympic--the chief attraction of the Pittites, who patronised +"half-price." This being so, I am glad to find at the Strand--a +theatre recalling memories of JIMMY ROGERS and JOHNNY CLARKE, PATTY +OLIVER and CHARLOTTE SAUNDERS, to say nothing of a lady who was not +only Queen of Comedy but Empress of Burlesque--"_Private Inquiry_," a +thoroughly well acted and rattling farce in three Acts. It is from the +French, but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author +who turned _Bébé_ the Frisky into _Betsy_ the Wholesome, any scruples +of conscience that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN may possibly have entertained +on reading the original have been successfully removed, and the play, +consequently, is not only highly entertaining, but absolutely free +from offence. I did not see it until it had reached its eighth night, +and I do not remember a piece, taken as a whole, so excellently acted. +Although he does not appear until the Second Act, Mr. WILLIE EDOUIN, +as _'Arry 'Ooker_, the Private Inquiry Agent, is _the_ feature of the +performance. His politeness to ladies, his assumption of businesslike +habits, suggested by his reading and spiking of bogus telegrams +brought to him when he is engaged with a client, his urbanity under +difficulties, and his cheerful acceptance of the inevitable in +whatever shape presented, are all admirable points, and points that +are fully appreciated by the audience. Roars of laughter follow the +one after the other when _'Arry 'Ooker_ is on the stage. Nothing can +be more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his grimaces, and yet under +the surface there is a vein of pathos that causes one to feel a pang +of genuine regret when the poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who, +if he cannot secure a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a +"tenner," is marched oft to penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The +clerk of this entertaining individual, _Toby_, is played by a boy like +a boy, by Master Buss. Farther, Mr. ALFRED MALTBY could not be better +as the suspicious and bamboozled husband, _Richard Wrackham_. Again, +even the small part of _Alexander_, a Waiter, is well played. Once +more--the ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of +this all-round excellence, the piece "goes," from a quarter to nine +till just eleven, with a _verve_ that must be most satisfactory to +all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author upon a piece full of +lines that tell, and the Manager upon a play that is likely to rival +in popularity its predecessor, the phenomenally-successful _Our Flat._ +And I can offer these congratulations with a dear conscience, because +I am neither Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as +Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, QUITE ANOTHER FELLOW. + + * * * * * + +LARKS! + +SIR,--I am surprised that any of your Correspondents should doubt that +birds eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my aviary, and I tried him. +He ate it ravenously. Strange to say, he has not uttered a sound +since! My wife says, "Probably his _pipe_ is frozen." This is such a +good joke, I think you ought to have it. + +Yours, LOVER OF NATURE. + + +SIR,--You may like to have the following story in support of the idea +that animals are aware that snow is frozen water. It was related to +me by a rather rackety nephew, who has lived part of his life in South +America, and whose word can be strictly relied on. He relates that +once, when he was travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some +twenty thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was +obtainable. Each animal seized a _calabash_ with its teeth, filled it +with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an adjacent volcano; it +then waited till the lava melted the snow, which it drank up, and +finally trotted back again. My nephew says he should not have believed +a mule could be so clever, if he had not seen it. + +Yours obediently, SAMUEL SOBERSIDES. + + +SIR,--Since writing you that letter about our bull-finch, I have +discovered an even more surprising fact, which I am sure no Naturalist +has yet dreamed of. Not only do birds appreciate snow, but they are +very fond of _iced beverages_. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from +a saucer which we put on our window-sill, one day found the water +frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on the +window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then hopped on +to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork out of a whiskey +bottle! I took the hint, and poured some of the spirit into the +saucer; the bird drank it greedily! My wife's comment on this +occurrence is really too good to be lost, so I send it you. She said, +"Evidently the bird was not a _tomtitotaller_!" + +Yours, in convulsions, LOVER OF NATURE (_as before_). + + * * * * * + +A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF. + + "'_Qui va la?_' says he." + "'_Je_,' replies I, knowing the language." + "_Jeames" and another Old Story_. + +The international susceptibilities of Sheriff DRURIOLANUS--henceforth +to bear the Anglo-French title, _Monsieur le Shérif 'Arris de Paris_, +or _'Arry de Parry_,--appear to have been considerably hurt by a +statement in the _Débats_ to the effect that the appearance in the +London streets of men dressed as Gendarmes--"_en gendarmes français_," +writes MOSSOO DRURIOLANE--intended as perambulating advertisements for +the Waterloo Panorama, was due to a supreme effort of his managerial +genius. So Shérif DRURIOLANE wrote at once to the London Correspondent +of the _Figaro_, who bears the singularly French name of JOHNSON, +denying, in his very best French, that he, M. le Shérif, had had +anything to do with these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the +Panorama Company at all, from which he had retired a year ago. Then he +adds, like the _preux chevalier_ he is known to be, that had he still +been on the direction of the aforesaid _Compagnie_, he, at all events, +would never, never have committed the enormity of even suggesting, +however vaguely, an idea so calculated to needlessly insult "_les +susceptibilités françaises_." ("_Hear! hear!_" and "_Très bien!_" +from the left.) Then M. le Shérif DRURIOLANE, rising to the occasion, +finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French horn--"_Je +suit né en France_"--(Isn't it very much "to his credit," we ask +with W.S.G., that, "In spite of all temptations, To belong to other +nations, He remains an Englishman?" Why, certainly)--"_j'ai vécu parmi +les Français, et je suis à moitié enfant de Paris_." + +Beautiful! _Magnifique!_ Our DRURIOLANUS is surpassing even the +G.O.M., who has been born, more or less, everywhere, except in +Paris. Should the Republic be in danger, or should Monarchists +or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the place, let +them wire to DRURIOLANUS, "_à moitié enfant de Paris_" and the +"_Enfant_"--"_Enfant_ ARRIS," not "_Enfant_ GATTI"--will be ready, aye +ready, to assume the purple, and to bring all his properties with him. +"_À moitié_"--and the other half? That will ever remain British. So _à +la santé de Monsieur le Shérif-enfant-de-Londres-et-Paris_, in a pint +of Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Shérif himself, have a good head +on! + + * * * * * + +THE ROLLING OF THE R'S. + + "We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter _r_) is as + flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of the _h_."--_James Payn + in the Illustrated News_. + +AIR--"_THE WEARING OF THE GREEN_." + +_SOFT-SPOKEN PERSON SINGS:--_ + + It's vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I've no doubt, + To leave that little letter _r_ unuttahed or unwolled; + But if you _haven't_ any _r_'s you've got to do without, + And I can no maw woll _my r_'s than dwink my clawet cold. + A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally _can't_ attain, + And though gwammawians may wave in leadewetts and pars, + I quite agwee with good JAMES PAYN that all their wow is vain, + The angwy wout must do without "the wolling of the _r_'s!" + + * * * * * + +HAGIOLOGICAL AND HISTORICAL NOTE.--Dr. HAROLD BROWNE, "the retiring +Bishop" of Winchester, as he is called, on account of his innate +modesty, wrote to the people of Farnham to say that, "never was there +a Bishop since the time of his earliest predecessor in the See, St. +Swithin, more literally 'at home' at Farnham Castle than himself." +To this fact Dr. H.B. is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question +owed his name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home, +the Hall-porter of the period invariably answered, "Yes, Saint's +within." Dr. HAROLD BROWNE is welcome to this information, which ought +to have been in _Notes and Queries_. + + * * * * * + +It is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane celebration of +Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free a hand next year, the +young men on the recent occasion having been so Baddeley behaved. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., Jan. 24, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12872-8.txt or 12872-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/7/12872/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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